Dr. John Delony
Appearances
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Dr. John Deloney, welcome to the show. My man, Chris. How are you? Thanks for the, dude, I'm fantastic. I love being back in Texas where I was born and raised, man. It's good. Are you adjusting?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Cut me off if you heard me talk about this. It was after book number two comes out. So I grew up in a house. We didn't have a lot, right? And money was electric. It was always a sense of tension. Always, always, always, always. And the book comes out. My wife and I, she was raised by teachers. My dad was a policeman and then he became a minister. A lot of authority. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
My therapist, when I walked in, I was like, but as a competent minister, she was like getting the lake.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We've got lots of work. Very happy. But both of us come with not a lot. Right. And so then you find yourself in this wild new world. Right. Where of abundance. Don't know psychology for it. I'm downstairs. My family has come and they've been with maybe seven to 10 days too long. And they know it. I know it. It's that strange, like, it'd be good if y'all left.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And they're like, we'd be good if we left. And it's just that awkward. They leave. I've got COVID as they're leaving. And then I'm working out in the gym in my basement. My manager calls and he says, Hey, you know, those two speaking event gigs that we were hoping to land, you got a second. And the way he called, I was like, ah, man, we didn't get it. He calls and starts yelling into the phone.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We got him. And I start yelling because these were the last two, like transformational financially for me. And I start cheering. I start yelling. Yeah. My wife comes downstairs into the basement. She's like, what are you yelling about? And I was like, wake up. I'm going to speak at this thing and this thing.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And she's very stoic, West Texas woman, like just will withdraw and wait till things are calm. She didn't do that. She came forward this time and she got this close, which is not how she does conflict. And she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. And I'm gaunt, I'm exhausted, I'm sweaty, I'm sick, I'm people out and I'm cheering.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And then she said this, she said, the pie piece, the pie chart of how much I love you And the pie piece for how much money you make is full. And then she said, we have enough. And she turned and walked away. And I angrily was like, what the hell is enough? And it was psychology for it. And I didn't understand what does that mean when someone just says, no, no, no, no. I picked you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
The joke in our house is she bought real low on me, right? Like she bought when the stock was really low on me. Yeah. She's like, I picked you and this is cool. This is awesome. But I picked you. And at part of the exchange, she was like, you can go do your speaking events. I told you when I married you, I would never tell you now. Go do it. This is for your ego. This is not for us.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
and I got hot, but then I went straight to the therapist's office. But we ended up in this moment, she said, I want you to take your fist and put it in your chest and say the words to me, I love this man. And that was the first time I was like, oh, I'm over my head, I'm stuck. I couldn't say the word, I couldn't do that act. And in front of another grown woman, I could not say, I love this guy.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And then I was like, I got a problem, right? I'm asking the world to give me something that I won't honor myself to give myself. It's tough. It's tough. How did you work through that? Very, very slowly. Very slowly. Yeah. It sounds obscene to think I've got to practice, but I have to practice saying you're a good dad. Yeah. This sounds cheesy. I carry this with me.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
This is like when the thoughts pop in, like your kids would be better off if you were at home right now. No, they wouldn't. They're doing great. Right? It's that negative self-talk and just resetting that.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I appreciate that. I wanted so badly to be the Heuermann of mental health and of relationships. And early on, it was very clear, that's not why people want to talk to you. They've never seen a big, tall, loud, tattooed-up Texan talk to that mother who just blew her life up, like, compassionately.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Challenge your thoughts, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
i've got like punch the bully it repeats every three hours throughout the day um journaling practice anyway it's been really interesting um but talking about i didn't find that as useful i cbt is obviously it's the it's the gold standard i found the act the app acceptance and commitment instead of challenging the thoughts so much just letting them walk by
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or letting them be that guy at the table that always, you always know that guy. Everybody has that friend. And you've spoken. I appreciate it. I'm going to move on. That's interesting. It keeps me from going to war with myself. Otherwise, I stay in constant conflict with myself. And that gets exhausting for me.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think in our strange little weird ecosystem that we live in, there's a lot of people that know about stuff. and they've just never sat with hurting people, right? There's a lot of theories and a lot of ideas, but, man, you can hear somebody who's actually sat with somebody who just lost a child, and there's a different level of compassion, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Hmm. Yeah. That's powerful.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's a huge, that's a huge welcome, Matt.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Well, If you're doing it because you think it's going to feel some way on the back end, that's the tale of all this time, right? That's the great, that's the Jim Carrey speech, right? I wish everyone could become Reggie famous and see it's not going to fix it. Yeah, it's nonsense.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think the alternative that we've got the last 15, 20 years is, well, I'm just going to opt out and play video games. And that's a recipe for disaster too. I think we, you know, Michael Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis, which I think is a masterpiece. I think we have a culture that's allergic to discomfort. And so I think that tension is, that's where joy is.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's where meaning is, is I'm enough and I can hold that loosely enough so that I can hit that guy real hard. Mm-hmm. They had a breakdown on ESPN the other day of Alex Piera. And they talk about how hard he hits, that it's otherworldly. And they had an interview with a referee. He's like, the sound it makes when he hits another human is different.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I just thought, man, can you imagine me not do that? But they say it comes from how calm he is. Right. His ability to stay at until he uncorks. And my coach used to always say like, dude, you're like a bear. You're like so tense all the time and it takes away. And so I think if men knew, oh, she loves me no matter what.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
that actually drives that anchor deep into the concrete so you can repel off the edge and go do something bananas. And it sounds counterintuitive.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Let me know I'm anchored. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
What about moms? Yes, moms too. But I failed as a dad in this moment. I'll just write myself a note.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
God almighty, dude. It's wild. It's wild.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Oh my gosh, yes, of Boys and Men.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
What if, as a society, we just...
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Dude, let me tell you this. So my wife, um, she was a research professor. She quit her job for, she's like, man, it sounds strange, especially for her. I think I want to stay at home and have kids. And that was just like, Like, who are you? What have you done with my wife? It was amazing. We talked through it. It was awesome. And gets pregnant, miscarriage number one.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like, I've got a buddy who lives, what, five hours west of here. His name's John, too. He was Fat John. I was Hyper John. And back in the day, dude would always leave cans out everywhere. Always, always, always, always. This single worst text responder in human history. It doesn't matter. A guy cannot respond to a text. It's phenomenal.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Not one time have I ever left his house and thought, leaving cans out. What is he trying to say about our friendship? Not one time. He doesn't respond. Not one time have I thought, does he not love me? What does this mean for us? Not once. He's my friend. That guy stood in front of me. and throwing punches on my behalf, literally. He's opened up his house to me for decades. He's my friend, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And, but I don't give my wife that, what do these towels mean, right? Or like, what is happening in this house? Like, oh, there's a dish in the dishwasher. What is she trying to tell me? Yeah. And we make this huge character assassination. It's madness. So I think what's happening on the internet is a magnification of what happens in our own homes. We're so unsure of ourselves.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We walk around with these glasses on trying to find where everybody else has holes so we can be like, yep, yep, yep, yep. And that's the way we try to prop ourselves up to say, I've got value too, right? I can get value by burning everybody to the ground inside my own house.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's it. That's it. Instead of exhaling, saying, when I walk in the door and there's a pile of towels, good God, what must have her day been like? I just pick up the towels. Or when I walk into John's house, I just pick up the cans. Or when he finally texts me back, right? Like, hey, what's up? I'm like, yeah, I'm happy to hear from him, man. He's one of my best friends. So it's a madness.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
people regularly get into relationships with partners that they feel like they need to fix yeah i think that old that old adage in in marriage therapy is true you marry your unfinished business i think the the way i would describe it is your nervous system puts little gps pins in there when you're a kid and you're constantly asking why doesn't that man love me he's supposed to and
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or why is this shiny little box more important than me? Or why did my mom pick up that bottle of wine and not pick up me? And you constantly are trying to solve that loop. And man, you get older and your body repeats what it knows and you go in and try to solve that situation again. And you do it again.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I was just talking to somebody outside of the grocery store just a minute ago about the same exact thing. Your body just goes in and tries to solve it again and solve it again. And you got to get outside that loop. Otherwise, you just repeat it and you repeat it and you repeat it. Because over time, you realize, The seven-year-old's not the problem. Seven-year-old's never the problem.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Gets pregnant, miscarriage number two. Then miscarriage number three. No way. But it was an ectopic pregnancy. And it ruptured, right? And so she's a really strong, tough West Texas woman. And she sits in that living room and says, I'm not doing this. It's not happening again. Which, you know, I mean, she almost died in our living room. Well, here's the thing.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or you learned to sing and dance and get it, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I remember one of the coolest things about going back to grad school as an old man is I had to do a practicum again. And I was working with this brilliant psychologist named Dr. Michael Gomez. And I remember we were sitting with these kids that had some pretty remarkable trauma. And one of the kids was making straight A's.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And during a debrief, I said, he's like, all right, who's going to struggle here? Where do we go? And I said, this one's going to be okay. And I said, why? And he goes, well, he's performing well. He's doing grades. He's making great grades. And he said something that has rattled me since. He said, straight A's can be a trauma response too, John. And you can burn a building down.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
You will be, kids will find a way to be seen or they'll find a way to hide. They'll find a way to stay safe. And they'll nuzzle up against you. So I, I think kids are always trying to solve and yeah, there's some that have to survive on just sips of oxygen, right. Through a straw, but others will be really good on that T-ball field band. Cause that makes my dad exhale.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
After miscarriage one, and especially number two, lucky for her, she was married to a guy working on his second PhD. And I was also a crisis, God, the word that gives me hemorrhoids expert. And so I would show up in the community to sit with people who had lost their And dude, I rubbed her nose in my charts, in my graphs, in my answers. And then this happened.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
So a close friend of mine who's suffered unimaginable loss. I show up with my son who was four at the time. We go to the ER. They're wheeling her back. And when you show up at crisis scenes, it's hard to describe. There can be blood on the wall and bodies, but you make eye contact with other responders and you know the scene's safe. You know it seems placid.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. ,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And then there's something we call crazy eyes. You look across and it's like, oh, this scene's still live. Like there might be a shooter still here, right? And you can see it. And I walked in and I made eye contact with the head of the OBGYN out at Texas Tech Medical Center. And I remember holding my son's hand saying, oh, this is it. This is the last time I see her. And they wheel her off.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I text somebody to come pick my son up. I go to this little room that's about this big.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
buddy of mine a west texas rancher who's a children's author walks in hat everything he's taller than me he nods i say nothing he says nothing he sits by me 30 minutes one hour one and a half hours two hours then the physician busts in the door holding the like a ipad thing and she says you lost the baby but your wife's okay
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Right. I remember that to the day I die. Yeah. Cause it meant something. It was a shared experience and kind of like standup comedy. I've become obsessed over the last few years, man. I just obsessed. I live around the corner from a club in Nashville and I kind of go too much. I love it. But that and music, it's got a pretty tight feedback loop to it.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's one of the last bastions of human connection.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's the Wolf of Wall Street, DiCaprio's character. It looks like he's... He's addicted to the deal. I don't think he was. I think he was addicted to the room cheering. Yeah. You know what I mean? To that celebration. And the deal gets you that, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Come to Nashville, please. It's booked.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I exhaled in this rancher who hadn't spoken other than, hey, he reaches over and grabs my shoe. And I look over at him and he starts crying tears. I don't even have yet. But the important thing is he said no words. And it didn't matter. And in a culture that we won't shut up, Chris, when your friend has a breakup, God. Golly, dude, the last thing they need is all of your theories and answers.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like, careful what you wish for. Comes at a cost, man, yeah. Especially on your own. Yeah, there's always a trade. There's always a trade.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Talk to me about fulfillment. And I think sometimes that's the model you have. I think sometimes I'm not worth my needs being fulfilled. Sometimes I don't even know what that would feel like if my needs were fulfilled. And so kind of what you talked about earlier, I'm just going to keep expanding what my needs need to be because my need is actually seeing you, how high you can jump.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And it just keeps expanding, expanding. But I think for most of us, we don't have a model of what it looks like. our moms and dads, if you look at the demographics across, like there was only one parent in the house or they were co-managers of the house and even like each other. Right. And I've got no picture of what someone who actually loves me and is connected with me and quote unquote needs.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Uh, and by the way, I've been struggling lately and love to get your thoughts on this. I've been struggling with the idea of needs. Uh, uh, because I think needs have turned modern relationships into a very parasitic relationship. And I think beneath that, a more vulnerable, scary question to ask is what I want.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think it's easy if I lob a need grenade at you, I need you to do these things, this, this, this, this, and this, versus, man, I really want you to X, Y, and Z. Because one of those, I kind of take out the, I need this. And if you don't do this, then you're not performing. Or I really want you. Do you want me to? Do you see me? Oh, that's lovely.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And so I think most of us are so terrified at asking the want question of ourselves and of our partner that we cast it all as needs. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
If you deny my needs, you're an ass.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
If you deny my wants... Because you might not want one. That's different. One of the most common questions I get from married men is, I just want her... I just want more sex, right? I want more sex. I want better sex, et cetera. But they come at it with, I need more sex. But if you need something, then it goes on the chore list, along with the diapers and the this, and I got to clean the kitchen.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Which is unbelievably sexy. I'll get you off, and then I'm going to go to bed, right? Right. A way more terrifying question for a modern male is to a wife with two kids and it's exhausting and you're both working full time. I want you. Do you want me? And if you don't, we need to have that conversation. What would, what would desire look like? That's a scarier conversation, man.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And there are basic needs. So I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, but I think most of this comes down to wants.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah. Or we don't have a psychology for being wrong. I think you've talked about this on another show that I listened to. Yeah. Before I went to college, I went to this very well-meaning Texas church camp. And they took us 18-year-old guys in a room and they were like, the world's going to destroy you. So write down right now what your non-negotiables for your life partner will be.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Write them down right now because they're going to get watered down and the edges rubbed off. It's going to be bad.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Your 10 non-negotiables. Gotcha. I'm 26 years with the same person, the same woman. And I think she had two of the 10 and one of them was be a pretty girl, right? Like be a beautiful woman. And so it's what, when I say I want something so often, My manager, that's his job, is to be like, you don't want that. Like, I really want this. You don't want that, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And well, oh my gosh, let's Google it. That's catastrophic. They just need to sit there and bring tacos, bring a bottle of wine or bring whatever you got in the fridge. You know what I mean? And we don't have a culture of presence. We have a culture of answers, of talking. So what I've learned over the years, what do you say to a mother whose kid is dead in that room right there?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And we don't have a psychology for being wrong. We just are so led around the nose by our feelings. I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel. And man, I can get what I want when I cast it in the form of a need. You have to meet it.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Man, if you had to fight and scratch and claw and sing and dance in a third grade math class to get your mom to look you in the eye, you don't think you're worthy of a want. You know what I mean? If you had to sing and dance on a soccer field for your dad to pat you on the back, no eye contact, of course, but just pat you on the back, you don't think you're worthy of wanting anything.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Everything has to be a need.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, we were cast in movies. We didn't even know we were in and we got in trouble for not knowing the lines, right? Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, that's a great question. I think there's a practical aspect to this, and then I think there's a relational aspect to this. If there's a very real... The data's pretty clear that, you know, more women file for divorce, but women's net worth often plummets, right? And so there's a very real economic consequence.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
So if you're married to somebody, if you're living with somebody, and, you know, I got to get out of this thing, there's a very real math problem you have to solve, right? And that's unfortunate and it's scary and the social services are pretty tough, but there's a very real question.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think there's a math problem there. Not to say stay together for the math, right? I haven't seen that bumper sticker, but there's a very real reality to this. The other side of it is I know for most of us, when emotions are a sign, especially strong emotions, are a sign that your body's trying to protect you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
but she'll remember that hug, right? She'll remember that exhale and that will get her to the next gulp of air, to the next gulp of air, right? There's just no words, man. And so the more I've been sitting with hurting people, I'm finding myself talking less and less and less and less.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And when your body's trying to protect you, you're not thinking. And so for me, it's been very important to have a couple of men in my life that I outsource some of these things to.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
i'm gonna sit down with you make sure i'm seeing this thing clearly because here's what i'm feeling and it's been more than once in my life when i sit down with a few of my old 30 year plus ride or die buddies and i'm like she's doing this and this and this and they're like have you looked in a mirror man and they're able to see something right no no warrior goes into battle without eyes in the sky and so i think um i often are in our in our
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Lone Ranger cowboy world we live in, man. It's... You got to know all this by yourself. And so I'm constantly telling people, dude, go get a cup of coffee with somebody and just exhale. And then tell them what's going on. And they may say, hey, there's a common thing on my show. Someone will call and be like, my sex life screwed up. We have only had sex twice last year. It's a disaster.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's falling apart. And then 10 minutes into the conversation, it's like, well, we have a five-year-old, a three-year-old, a one-year-old, and she's pregnant. I'm like, bro, hang up the phone and call me back. Like... You'll have survival sex. Y'all are figuring this thing out. Like, you're not broke and it's okay, right? But that's just, you just need somebody to sit with you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But when it comes to courage and bravery, I think at some point we have to head into the discomfort. I mean, that's all the, that's all Judd Brewer stuff on anxiety, right? You got to head into it. The thing that you're scared about and anxious about.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And, uh, that's one of my, when someone says, Hey, should I break up with them? I'm thinking about this. I always say, absolutely. You should break up with them. And I just watch. And if their shoulders drop, if their face drops, that may be the right move.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Because they've got a sense of relief. If they tense up like, no, no, no, no.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Correct. Novelty. Yeah. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, except that I don't know that... I mean, it takes two to tango, right? But I think that makes... suffering the, the inevitable outcome. And I remember when my wife and I were sitting across the table, uh, like the message I sent to her, cause we weren't speaking was no, no, no crying, no fighting, no screaming. And this was self-directed. I'm the emotional one.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
What's the alternative to trash can? Rubbish.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Um, we got to, we got to say, are we still doing this? Is it like, cause the marriage we've had up to now is over. Like, are we going to keep doing this? And, but I remember that conversation when we both came to the realization we have both mutually chosen a miserable marriage. And the beauty is we can choose a not miserable one.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think that agency of choice has been taken away by a culture of disempowerment. So I think the idea of like, it's either bail or suffer in silence. I think that's a, that is, I don't think it's that binary. I think you can also both be like, dude, we chose suck. And I chose, I did something, whoever you may be. I stepped out on the marriage. I gambled a bunch of money away.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like I did an extra bad thing, if you want to frame it like that. We can both choose something different. And that to me is a, it's not on the table anymore. But if you look past, the same thing happens relationally. Those who stick it out and they choose something different, choose something magnanimous, which is very on Romeo and Juliet, right? You're supposed to just be star-crossed lovers.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's stupid. It's nonsense. You choose it and you keep choosing it and you keep choosing it. man, you see people who've been through hell and they're on the other side, that's the goofy guys that have real short shorts on and no business wearing that short of shorts at the beach and they don't care, right? Because she loves them, right? And it's a different kind of depth that love.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I did it last night. with my daughter she nine years old man she's got a supernatural ability she knows where every single hidden button buttons i didn't even know i had she just knows and she screaming and hollering and yelling and doing her nine-year-old stuff and started to walk away and i literally went downstairs to head out the door with the dog to go for a walk and i stopped
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
This is that moment. That's when Arthur Brooks is ringing in my head. And you turn around, you walk back in. And I went and climbed into bed with her. And my wife's reading a book. And I just climbed. She shoves me out of the way. I move. And then within 30 seconds, you hear her breathing different. And then she reaches over and grabs your hand. And that's what dads do.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Emotionally immature children run off. Dads go right through it.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's my inner seven-year-old. That's right. Dude. It may have been. It may have been Sal DiStefano that I called recently and was like, hey, I'm having a disagreement with my 14-year-old. And he just started dying laughing. He goes, I was going to stop you right there. And I was like, what am I doing? And I was like, I'll call you. No, it was Lane Norton. I called him.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I was like, hey, I'm arguing with my 14-year-old. And he goes, how about I just stop you right there? And I was like, oh. What do I do? Right. I use for a living. It happens. Yeah. Right. That's fucking funny. And then you roll it off and you move on. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I think the illusion, though, is it's going to feel a certain way. Right. When, if I get what I want, that suddenly it's going to extrinsically fill that gap in my chest. And I think when, when you, I remember telling my counselor recently, my therapist recently, I just want to feel what I know. And that was a heavy sentence that I'd never said before.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But it's like, I know these things to be true, but I want to be able to feel them here. Right. And that becomes the word getting from here to here.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's it. And that's somebody who only knows that because they've been hurt too. Right. Like, don't say anything. I'll just sit here with you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
So my wife's way of asking that question, we were sitting at that table, was one hand on the table like, how do you want this house to feel when you walk in every day? And dude, I vomited. I was like, dude, I want you to want that. I'm here. I want you to be happy that I'm here. I want my daughter to come running at me.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like she had a daddy, daddy, daddy with like a, like a, a inside of a wrapping paper roll. I'm always in this sword fight with her. I don't even know him. Right. I want my son making fart noise. Like I want the house to feel warm. She's like, okay, then you can't bring that last meeting in here. And you got to work out.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And you and I both know when you eat like this and this and this, we get the downstream grumpy dad three days later. And it became a very, but it became that, how do you want this place to feel when you walk in the room?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And let's reverse engineer that. Who the fuck's your wife? She's Yoda, dude. Yeah. She's Yoda.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Punk rock mosh pit if it wasn't for me, so there you go. Very important. We each bring our pieces to the relationship.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
powerful dude what a gift what else what else so shut up yeah one of the first things that you should do when trying to help somebody that's going through stuff what else um yeah i think that sounds easy in theory but i think that what else happens before i have to do my own work that i believe i'm worthy of the space i'm gonna hold with you right so i gotta show up okay
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We've got an allergy to grief in our culture. Like that's a natural process. We used to have a room in the house called the parlor. where the body would rest for two to three to four days before it was buried. And now we outsource that and we call it the living room.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I think it was Southern Living that declared it in the early 1900s, like it's no longer the parlor, it's now the living room, right? But we've just plucked grief out of our lives. Just this reality that things don't always work out. And we had a collective group of people. You sat in the home with a dead relative right there, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That was just a part of the grieving process and the body's got ways out. that you begin to breathe again and somebody shows up with food and somebody shows up with food and somebody shows up with food and right. It's like being at the beach and it feels like you're drowning, but you stand up and the water's just only three feet deep. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And we've just, so if you leave a long-term relationship, dude, the number of students that would come into my office and be like, Hey, I'm depressed. My dad just moved out of my mom. And I always like, Maybe you're clinically depressed, but I bet you're sad. And they didn't have a psychology for that. Like, we don't do that. That's a thing we solve. We solve for sad.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like, no, man, that's a basic human emotion. Let's just be sad. Like your family broke up. Your dad left. Let's sit in that. And so if you lose an important relationship, man, Your body's working right if it wants you just to stay under the covers for a while. Your body's working right if you don't want to go out.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Your body's working right if you don't, like, if you're like wondering, am I lovable? That's not something to be solved, man. That's something to just sit with. And if you don't have people in your life, man, your body's going to spin out on you, dude, because it knows it can't carry that burden alone. It is. We have to have a place for grief, for being sad.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think in our current world, the only way to do it is to be what looks radical, right? I'm going to block people. I'm going to delete people. I'm going to take my phone off. I'm going to have a group of people that are going to come to my house every night for two weeks. I'm going to play stupid board games. Something stupid, right? Or whatever.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I'm going to give myself permission to not go out for a month because I'm tired. I just feel dry. Like, man... That's called just honoring the system, man. You know what I mean? It's honoring the system. Because you're going to duct tape over that thing. In counseling, we call it leakage. It'll find a way out. And it usually finds a way out at an inopportune time.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or you can honor it and invite somebody to sit in there with you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Rage. saying the words, if they would just, and I don't even care what the, I don't even care who and what you're talking about. If they would just... The guy in the car next to you. Doesn't even matter. If they would just... Yeah, if you start making up imaginary stories about people... Like the, I hear from most folks across the country that happens in the shower.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
You start having imaginary conversations with people that you'll never have in real life. If I see Chris again, dude, I'm going to tell that dude that you're never going to do that. It's your body just trying to spin up. Brene Brown calls it dress rehearsing tragedy. When you are just constantly in a loop of planning the next sword fight that you're going to just do the super move at the end, man.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And your body doesn't know the difference, man. So it goes to war in the shower. You ever done that? You step out and you come out of your bedroom and your partner's in there and you're mad. And they have no idea. And they're just eating. You're like, how can you just be eating? You just had a 15 minute argument with you. Dude. And I, by the way, I crushed you in that argument. It's insane.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Where you see your boss the next day after a night of like, I'm going to tell you, you're not going to tell him anything. Right. So it's when you go into solution solving mode, uprage, fighting, running, hiding, man, we broke up. We had plans. I'm going to sit here. Hey, this is going to be weird.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Most of the people, I say most of the people who get diagnosed with cancer, who lose a loved one, who lose a pregnancy, et cetera, they'll tell you they found themselves responsible for making sure everybody else was okay. And don't text somebody, how's it going?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Will you come over to my house, bring tacos, and I'm not going to talk to you because it's going to be weird. So I'm just going to sit here. We're going to play video games, right? You can watch a stupid game with me. I'm going to a show. I bought two tickets. We're going to the show. No asking me about so-and-so, but we're just going to go. You're too old to be moshpitting, John. I know.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We're going anyway, right? And it's just honoring. You're supposed to be sad. It's supposed to be sad. And then if you wake up 90 days later and it becomes, you're skipping work, you need to call somebody, right? That's when it becomes a pathology. You got to call somebody.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's completely irrelevant. Yeah. All diagnosis is the DSM was a symptom of cluster. I mean, a cluster of symptoms, right? That's it. It's totally devoid of context. The point being? You should be not sleeping or you should be sleeping all day. You should not be able to control your thoughts or have just fog in your head. Correct. All those things are right. Your dad died. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
you really want to know how's it going right and i'm going to text that back to you um bring food show up and i mean i think it's it's action it's action it's action it's action i'm gonna go mow your lawn and i trust you to tell me to stop i'm gonna keep sending tacos and you may have 5 000 tacos they may go straight to the trash can um but you're gonna you're gonna know when the fog lifts you were loved you were cared yeah you're cared for
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. . . . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P,實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a in
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
done badly kind of ends up being a like a highlighter girl from school who has a very well organized ring binder of what she was doing that day yeah for me it becomes like a weekly report for a business correct what did i do yeah what was my what was my up or down yeah yeah it's a pnl it's exactly right uh a buddy of mine's going to a retreat right now and his wife reached out and said hey would you the retreat director ask for a few of his closest friends to write a letter
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I don't know what he'll get from that letter, but I tell you what, it was, it really was transformative for me. It was so much so that my 14 year old comes bebopping in just, you know, in his underwear and like, Hey dad, like I said, Hey, I want you to read this. I'm going to read this to you out loud. This is me. This is a letter I'm writing to my friend.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I want him to hear what his dad, that his dad's got adult male friends like this. And it was cool for him to hear that. And at the end he was like, cool dad. Like, and you know, I don't care. I just have to hope it's downloading. So it was like, I had this big spiritual moment and he's like, all right, he's upside down on my, on that little teeter thing, just hanging there. Um,
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But man, it lifted my spirits to know, oh, I got a friend that good. I got a friend that good, man. And so maybe that's an important exercise, but it takes you back, right? He's the guy I called when my wife went into labor. I don't know what to do, man. He's the guy who I called when I thought I was going to get let go from a job.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
He's the guy I called before the very first parent I had to tell their kid died. I called him because I'd heard him do it before. And I was like, I want to make sure I'm doing this right. And he said, you're doing it right. Don't ever call me again. You got this, right? And that kind of blessed me. That everyone wants from their dad, right? And so it was... But it took me back to those moments.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Just you're remembering those moments. And man... But that was me writing him a note, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's like, that's like spray painting your, your dashboard. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
like that doesn't make you tough on your cool texas pickup truck just spray painted black i don't need these gauges what a moron that's dumb you're gonna ride a gas and get a wreck yeah right and also if you drive constantly looking at your dashboard you're gonna crash too right gosh man i just don't i don't i don't get in you're in this world more than me i i just i don't understand the um
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
This is my first one. This is my live review. Cherry popper. That's outstanding. That's outstanding. Well done, man. Thank you. Well done.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
The tribal disassociation from reality. It's just so strange. I don't... Look... It's bananas.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Because I wonder from that. Perhaps it's some sort of like... Is it so like insanely sensational that it becomes... You get what I'm saying?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Huh. That's a fantastic frame. I've always thought that the way the internet has taken Gaga's message and spit it out, it makes it look like a running Rocky IV montage. Correct.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah. But it's happening in his life, but everybody likes Rocky. You would not have liked that workout. It was cold, man. No one would have stuck it out. But it looks cool with the music.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
A few years ago, I joined a, like just a local, you gotta be kidding me, like church league basketball. And my knees were like, no, bro, we had a deal. We're going to stop. And yeah, it was two surgeries worth, man. But like we had a contract, but I was like, no, no, I can be 19 again.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or marriage, right? You get out of the divorce and you try to date at the level of the marriage you just left.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Hey, before we kick off, can I ask you a question?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I got two questions for you. Okay. So, uh, um, your ability over the last few years to dig in at the, what I would seriously call the doctoral level at evolution psychology. Tell me about that. Like, I'm just thinking of you as one of my grad students. Like it's been phenomenal to watch, uh, Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I don't know, I guess... And that's not me blowing smoke, because I'll bait and switch here in a second, but tell me about that.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But think of the world we've set up. Dr. Joyner, he's out of Florida State. He writes really eloquently on suicide. Right. And one of the three legs of the stool is, when you're doing a suicide assessment, is perceived burdensomeness.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I really adore the neuroscience stuff, but... So what is... Can you point to something that EP has given you in terms of... It's a self-serving question. Like, if you exhale and say, okay, here's what this has given me in my day-to-day life over the last four years of just swan diving into this... Because your grasp of it is profound. What is the insight and the knowledge given you?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But look at the world we've built. Like, I'm not going to ask you to take me to the airport. I'll just Uber. I'm not going to ask you, can I borrow some eggs and sugar? I'm just going to like Instacart or whatever. And I think the meta narrative is my presence is a burden too. And if you guys, it's the air we breathe.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I'll have to think about that. I like that a lot. That's good. One more question. And you can say, I don't want to talk about this and that's fine. I've been wrestling with the weight. And so when I think of not weight physically, but weight of the jobs we have, and when I go back to like an EP mindset, There's no way, and you're at like X's and X's above where I'm at.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
There's no way we've got the cognitive or the physical wiring to hold this.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
right and so i'm wondering if things like anxiousness or depressive symptoms or a need there's just kind of a path there's a path i'm watching people like head down spiritual paths i'm watching folks wrestle with autoimmune disorder like i'm wondering how much of this is there's there's there's a huckster on every corner saying here's why you feel this way here's why you feel this way i'm wondering if there's not something on the squat bar there's just so much weight
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I don't have a, I don't have a, it's just a hypothesis I'm wrestling with that at some point, every body, every physical and body body has a different program for how do we, like some people shake, some people just throw the bar off. Some people try to do it anyway. And they, you know, they blow their knees out.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Um, if there's something in Chris's body, that's saying this thing's gotten really heavy. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good question.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Your discussion, the one podcast I just picked up, you had a really eloquent discussion, and I know you don't like talking about it, but I was really captivated by just wrestling with the weight of somebody going to war, with their body going to war with them, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But that way it can sell you a cure.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
that everyone i'm gonna bother people even and now every relationship we have is transactional and your experience is man it's very common that you wake up and the only people in your life are on your payroll or on somebody's payroll and like y'all are on on the same payroll and man that your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night because it knows you're lonely Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
No, there's not a psychology for what if I'm not needed. It's not restful.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The same thing.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's fantastic. Or that Chris is a guy worth taking care of. Chris is a guy worth feeling good, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's fantastic, man. What a gift. Thanks for sharing that with us, man. I appreciate it. It's awesome.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
They want to check out all of the stuff you do. I co-host the Ramsey Show with Dave Ramsey, talking about money. And then I got my Dr. John Deloney show. It's an old Dr. Laura show. People call in mental health and marriage problems and we get them solved. It's awesome.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
No. The fear I have is when you don't have jujitsu and when you don't have... I remember, dude, training at MMA gym, dude. That's the most eclectic, wacky group of people that had a shared mission that all got together. You've selected for a group that want to be punched in the face. Yeah, but there's also like a male nurse and this guy doesn't have a job at all. And this guy's a dean of students.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I mean, it was a random group of people. No, the problem with only having friends at work is if something ever doesn't work out there, you find yourself on an island in a moment when you need people. And so if you get let go, if you have a problem at work, then you also have a problem everywhere else in your life.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's it. That's it, man. And you sit there like, yeah, it's hot. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And usually that is, y'all have kids in the same age. And then when that kid moves up, yeah, the tether gets pulled on everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Dude, can I just pause for a second? High five to you, dude. Good on you. Because you didn't act like an idiot. You didn't bang on his door at 3 a.m. But you did good on you. For everybody listening, that's how you handle that situation. So good on you, man. My friends wanted to. Of course they did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And good morning to you, too. Wow. Oh, boy. I love my job. It's so good. All right. So walk me. How old is your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
That's what your buddies are for. That's what your buddies are for, to be like, let's go right now. That's what they're for. But that's a mature, grown-up way to handle this. So you just gave a perfect model of somebody that you love and trust propositions your wife. God forbid that happen to anybody listening. But it does happen. That's how you handle it. she handled it perfectly. She called you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
She said like, here's my boundaries. You got good for you, man. Like that's, that's awesome. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Here's the deal. Her world, that doesn't happen in a vacuum. So that won't be the first time that's happened. She knows there's distance. Like you get what I'm saying? Like y'all see it from one lens. She experiences this on a day in and day out. She knows. that there's something amiss in her marriage. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And if she doesn't, if she's completely clueless, I guess y'all have built 10 years of deep, deep trust. Trust so deep you let her stand in your stead with your children, the most prized possession you have on planet Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And if she were to come home and see your wife with another man, your expectation would be that she would honor your relationship enough to tell you the truth. Fair? Oh, fair, yeah. And vice versa. Your wife would expect her, if she came home to drop the kids off and a young woman was walking out of your house, the right thing to do would be to tell your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so, yeah, I think the external circumstances are heavy and big and all that, but I think it has to come with a boundary. And here's what I mean by that. We're not just telling you to hand you a grenade. We're telling you because we love you and because it's not right for us to keep this from you. And you are always welcome in our home. He is not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay. And so tell me about your brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And, dude, I would be stunned if this is the first time this has come up in their marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah, but that can be a trauma response too. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah. Yeah, because of what she lives with at home. And unfortunately, I have worked in faith-based circles long enough that it doesn't surprise me one bit. Not even a teeny tiny little bit. Those are people too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, here's the deal. She's an adult. Okay. She's an adult. Yeah. She's not, she's not a teenager. She's not a child. She's an adult. And she's a member of your family at this point. And so you sit her down and fax to your friends. You tell her very directly, this is going to be the hardest conversation we've ever had to have with you. And number one, we are not letting you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You are a part of our family. You are always welcome in our home. Number two, here's what happened. Because anytime you sit down, somebody, even if they're this quote-unquote family member or close, she's still an employee, and the first thing she's going to think is y'all letting her go. Okay. You give her a heads up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah, I'm going to say this stuff doesn't – it rarely happens in a vacuum. Maybe they're just star-crossed lovers and – or maybe he's a star-crossed lover, right? I was going to say. And my heart kind of goes out to him, dude. Cause he sounds like me in high school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Like I would talk to a, like a, like a girl in my class, but like I could tell we have, and she's like, yeah, you're telling way wrong. Right. So I just, geez, this is just a whole different level. I think the biggest thing you and your wife need to do is y'all have to deal with the grief violation. Yeah. Like, and it's easy to, when we're grieving, like,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
To put a bunch of weight on all these other things that we know we have to do. And so I want y'all to separate it. And it's the old saying, not by your hand, but in your lap. Right? This guy walked in and blew up 10 years of stability in your life. Yeah. And it may be that at the end of the day, your wife says, I'm not comfortable with her being our nanny anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And I'm like, just hearing this cold, that would probably be my bent. Unfortunately, we can't have you here anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I get that. I get that. But, I mean, just think big picture. And at some point, you may be asking this woman to choose between her marriage and her job. And again, she's an adult. She gets to do what she's going to do. But that's why I say, like, you can't just come with a, hey, we just want to tell you this. He needs to come with a boundary. He cannot come over here anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
He cannot watch our kids anymore. He can't be in his house anymore. I don't want to, he can't text us. He can't call us. The only reason you're allowed back in here is because we trust you implicitly. Yeah. And we're going to strongly recommend he does not show up at any of the people's houses we've recommended because now we feel an obligation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah, and y'all need to make plans for that because she may be super embarrassed, and she may choose to say, I'm going to let y'all go. Yeah. Right? And so, again, somebody walked in your living room, this man, and dropped a grenade in there, and y'all are handling it the best you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But it's just – I think it's going to come with ramifications, and I think you guys trying to preserve what y'all had – is you're going to have to reimagine what is, right? And what that means is you're going to have to reimagine, oh, she's all by herself. If she's going to stay our nanny, he's not welcome here. So if there needs to be an hour gap in coverage, we have to figure that out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Is that something we can still do? Or if we have a nanny that works for us, we need all the gaps covered because that's kind of the role. Or what happens if she quits? She's just embarrassed and ashamed and this has happened before and she quits.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want you all to be really prepared. Man, if I had more time. I'll tell you a 30-second clip. Well, no, I won't get into it. This is several years ago, so I haven't checked the data. But a ton of police officer shootings, when police officers get hurt,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
is when they show up to domestic disputes and they get involved, and the spouse that made the call sees their significant other who was just in the process of abusing them getting arrested, and the person who made the call ends up hurting the officers. Why is that relevant here? I would give it a 50-50 chance
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
That her husband, when she comes home, says that woman asked me to come into the bathroom real quick and she ended up taking all her clothes off and I had to get out of that house as fast as possible. And flips the whole thing and that woman comes at y'all with a vengeance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, even if you do tell her, he controls whatever he wants to say. And the chances of a stage four...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
cancer survivor who's in the midst of it going through it psychologically i can't deal with i can't wrap my head around this part of my life also falling out from underneath me already i can't trust my physical body now i can't trust this guy i've been married to for 20 30 years and so psychologically i have y'all have to become the bad guys otherwise i my my world turns to dust the one blessing that we have in this whole situation was that as it happened
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay, so I would probably lead with that. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But anyway, what's right is to somebody that you trust, who trusts you, you've supported, you've walked alongside, someone who is a family member needs to be told the truth. Particularly given that it was your wife that was propositioned in this deal. And then y'all need to make sure you have that conversation directly, clearly, with a boundary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And I would let her know, hey, we need to have a really challenging conversation. And if you feel obligated, you can tell husband, hey, you guys, you got 24 hours. We're going to have a conversation with her. I don't think he deserves that. I don't think it's worth that. That's y'all's level of relationship. If you feel close to him over 10 years, you might want to give him a heads up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Hey, we're talking to your wife today. Or after you have the conversation, but I wouldn't personally, but you can feel free to do that. Again, not by your hand, but in your lap. Your life as you knew it is now different because this guy...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
blew it up and now it's about what's right for you and your family moving forward how can you love and support this woman if that's even a possibility if she allows that and then you and your wife got to grieve what was it was a pretty awesome setup and unfortunately somebody came and blew it up
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
All you can do is the next right thing for you and your family, and I don't ever want somebody to cash in their character, their integrity. They start holding secrets from loved ones, people that they trust, because it gets weird or awkward. We're going to hang on to our integrity. We're going to go do the next right thing, even if it feels like it blew everything up, but it didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, duh, he's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It may just reveal what somebody else just blew up. Sorry this happened, my brother. Thanks for being a man of character. Let me know how that conversation goes, man. I'm invested in this one now. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. It's February. It's the coldest and the shortest month, although it can seem like the longest month of the year sometimes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Like, if he's asked, like, why is Uncle So-and-So wearing that, you can just say he likes to wear that costume.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Listen, in the past, I've found myself laying around during the winter doldrums more than normal, and I don't do very much, which then makes it hard to sleep, and then I get in this vicious cycle, but I'm gonna tell you this. This year, my Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Now, on most days, I'm able to get right up even when it's cold and dark and do all the stuff I need to do to be my best. I love Helix, and that's why me and my entire family sleeps on Helix mattresses. And we don't all have the same mattress. Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. So take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did, and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in less than two minutes. The Helix President's Day Sale is going on right now.
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Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You can get 27% off site-wide plus two dream pillows and a sheet set and a mattress protector free with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, Helix. helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And all of the intricacies of the furry community and the identity and all that just madness, he will have zero context for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
All right, let's go out to the 806 Lubbock, Texas and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Sounds like there's a lot to that question. Tell me what does work on yourself mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
causing more problems. Gotcha. All right. Tell me, uh, um, can I probe a little bit? Is that okay? Oh, go for it. How old are your kids? Uh, seven and 15. Say that one more time. Eight, seven and 15. No, just seven and 15, seven and 15. Okay. Seven and 15. Uh, that's a big gap, huh? Yeah. Well, my oldest is not biologically mine, but okay. Okay. Um, number two, how long you've been drinking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
38. Okay. So you started drinking young, huh? Yes. What did drinking get for you? What did it help with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And my guess is this isn't happening in a vacuum. Has your brother had struggles since you've known him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay. All right. And what's the last, uh, 20 years been like college wise, work wise, what you've been doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yes. That's a good way to put it. Okay. Yeah. I spent a lot of years with some of my close buddies who are oil field guys. When it's good, man, it's like an ATM machine. When it's bad, it is caustic. It's tough. Tough, tough, tough. Oh, yeah. And nobody teaches 19-year-olds who suddenly find themselves with $180,000 Hey, two years from now, you're going to have 11 grand. So hang on to it, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Nobody teaches anybody how to do that. So it's just rollercoaster central. Tell me about your wife, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
All right. So one of them is seven. So what, why now? Like, so, I mean, you've been modeling it for seven years. So why now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, duh. He's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yes, that's it. Exactly. Peace within myself. Why don't you like you? I don't know that I've ever really liked myself. I know. I can tell. Why not? Because your wife sure as hell does. Your seven-year-old does. That 15-year-old boy you came into his life, he does. Why don't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You ever said that out loud? To a couple of people, but not very often. Okay, I want you to sit on that for a second. How old was that little boy when it started? Six. All the way up to when you were an early teenager? Yeah, when I was 13 is when it stopped. Why'd it stop?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You have a seven-year-old little boy right now. Just keep that picture in your head. When you were six or seven years old, it wasn't up to you to protect that kid. But when you see that little seven-year-old, it sets off every alarm you have, doesn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah. I'm sorry that happened, man. That shouldn't have happened. And that's a recipe for as long as that went on and for as old as you were. That's a recipe for deep, deep shame and deep, deep rage. Oh, yeah. Both of those. And I can't get rid of the rage. I know. It's going to go. But I need you to know this is going to sound nuts. And I bet nobody will tell you this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But for hanging on for 20 years, even if you had to do it with a bottle of Jack next to you, I'm proud of you for hanging on for 20 years. I think sometimes we see people, what they had to do to survive. And it's like critiquing somebody's swim stroke when the boat sinks and they're out in the middle of the ocean. What I'm looking at is a guy that got himself back to shore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And there's probably a wake of decisions you wish you could have back and you probably hurt some people and said some stupid stuff, but you made it back to shore. And for some reason you woke up on the 1st of January 2025 and you decided I'm done. I'm going to be a different kind of man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But I don't know what to do. You are doing it right now. Well, it sure doesn't feel like it. I know. Because somebody told you along the way it's going to feel a certain way and it's going to take a long time. So the first night I actually was in your neck of the woods. I drove several hours into Lubbock, Texas, where I knew a physician who was a close, close friend of mine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And when I walked, that's when I walked in and said, I'm not okay. I drove from another city in Texas. I drove all the way to Lubbock because I knew a guy and I trusted him. And then my trust was so thin. And I remember we talked for hours and hours and I left with a script, with a prescription for some anxiety medicine. And I remember calling a buddy who I knew had taken medicine before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Honestly, I would not think into the diagnostic if I were you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And I told him, I don't want to take it. I'm a failure. I'm a loser, yada, yada, yada. And here's what he told me. He said, look, man, you think you're going to wake up tomorrow after taking this pill and everything's going to be like this fake sunshine. That's not how it works. And what he went on to tell me is he tore his bicep lifting weights. And he had to go to months of rehab.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And every time he picked up a fork, every time he tried to open a door handle, it just hurt like a searing pain. So he went to rehab. He went to rehab. He went to rehab. He did all the stuff, all these stupid exercises. And this is kind of a jack dude forced to like doing like little finger walks up the wall with his two little fingers, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And then he said one day he was at the print shop and a box fell. And he reached up and grabbed it. just instinctually to protect somebody. And he realized, hey, my arm doesn't hurt. No way. And he said, that's how the meds are going to work. And that's how healing ultimately is. And so right now, you have gone to sit down. Have you gone to meetings? Is that what you're starting to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I would think into how can I love my brother who's been hurting most of his life, right? How can I be compassionate? And how can I draw the boundaries that are best for our family? And so if it were my house, again, I can only – everybody's different, okay? If it were my house, I would say you're welcome to wear whatever you want to at my house, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay. So you walk and you're sitting in there and you're on the rattling edge of not having a drink. You're dealing with the credit card bills from the holidays. You're dealing with an economy that's up and down and kind of all over the place. You're dealing with West Texas. I'll tell you what they should be doing. That kind of stuff, right? You've been dealing with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And you and I both know that one drink would make everything a little bit quieter. But you've committed not to. And now you're going to these meetings. You're just listening to these old guys just tell their stories and tell their stories and tell their stories. And it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But if you keep going,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And you're not a lurker and you start participating and you go into your counselor and you say, okay, I've been here for four weeks or five weeks. I want to start practicing some actual things at my house on a daily basis that will dissipate this rage. And I'll give you a couple of things I want you to do. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But what's going to happen is six months from now, your seven-year-old is going to do some stupid seven-year-old thing and you're going to laugh. And you're going to remember this story I told you about my buddy who caught the box. And you're going to go, oh my gosh, I would have gone into a rage. And you'll know I'm on the path now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Or your wife's going to come home and say, hey, my hours just got cut and you really needed the, y'all need the money. And you're going to go into a problem solver mode. You're not going to get up and go straight to the fridge and grab a beer. And then you can smile and go, no way. I'm on the path. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. The hardest part for you is not the big decision. You made that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
The hardest part for you is the continual grinding, the tiny, tiny step by step by step, inch by inch that you're going to look up in six months and realize I just walked a thousand miles. You're the guy that's 150 pounds overweight that said never again. And you're in day 12 of going to the gym and it just sucks. You're sore. Everything hurts. You hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And you just want, you just want to go back to the way it was, but you made a commitment. So will you do something with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Um, where did you grow up? West Texas. Okay. So let's pretend I'm going to make up a little West Texas town, La Mesa, tiny little West Texas town. Let's pretend you and I are La Mesa. And I look well. And I'm you, except I'm seven. And I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're looking at your seven-year-old self.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
He's sitting in a chair and you're sitting in a chair and you're about four feet apart from each other. What would you tell that seven-year-old you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
What else? I can't picture me at seven. Okay. Picture your seven-year-old. Repeat after me. What's happening to you is not your fault. What's happening to you is not your fault. There should be adults here protecting you and they're not here and I'm sorry. There should be an adult here protecting you and there's not and I'm sorry. But we're going to hang on and we're going to hang on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I'm going to ask you to not wear a humongous like dog hat, like a helmet at the table. Yeah. The same as I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And I identify as a sports fan. So I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And so you can wear your costume. I mean, you can wear your outfit or whatever. That's fine. I don't care what you're wearing. But here, we want to be able to talk to everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You're going to hang on. And when we get grown up, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting the young kids in our world. And when we get grown, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting those kids. And that starts with me looking at you, seven-year-old self, telling you I love you. This is not your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Because right now you have a seven-year-old, you have an enraged 12 and 13-year-old who don't know anything to do to protect you other than to clinch their fist and swing at everything or duck and cover. And my guess is you've toggled between both of those in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Sobriety is a piece of it. Dealing with the rage is a piece of it. Letting that 8, 9, 10-year-old version of you finally go play. La Mesa's not a great place to play in, but we're going to let that kid go play. I'd love to. Here's what we're doing this year. We're solving for peace. And so here's what I want you to commit to, and I'll be in it with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want you to commit to keep going to meetings. Do I got your commitment on that? Oh, yes. Okay. I want you to, next time you go see a counselor, I want you to demand an action plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want to be screaming, I need help. Okay. Then what we're going to do is we're going to brush our shoulders off. We're going to go find a new counselor. Because the big modern myth in mental health care is not always, but often, that if you just get all the thoughts in the right order, everything works out. And it's not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You got to go act differently, especially when you've spent 20 years trying to survive. You have to learn new actions, new ways of doing things. For you, you're going to have to practice some mindfulness techniques, not an old man sitting on a cloud going, oh, that's not what I mean. But you're going to have to learn how to exhale. You're going to learn how to go for a walk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and this sideways world that we're all working to right side up. Inside our homes, inside our cars, inside our... We're all doing our part to make this place a little bit better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You got to learn to laugh and drop your shoulders on purpose. And those are just things you got to practice. That's it. You're going to have to learn really carefully, precisely what your triggers are. What are the things that when it happens, you want to reach for a drink and then you just have to come up with different plans. This is things you practice over time. These are actions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And just bringing a guy out of the oil field just to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is, it's important the first couple of sessions I got to get to know you. But man, we got to get on some homework assignments that are going to help. Okay? And so, we're going to find a new counselor. And that's great. It's not a big deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so it just is what it is what it is. And if there needs to be some boundaries, if some of my favorite people on the planet, I've talked about it before. Some of my favorite people on the planet have borderline personality disorder. It can be really tough. And I have some pretty firm boundaries. You can't talk to me a certain way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Number one, yes, there are meetings here. Number two, you need to have a sponsor that you can text when the demons call at nighttime. The third thing is somehow a story has been connected in your mind that – letting loose and letting go equals freedom. And because you're so clenched fighting demons every minute of every day, that's all you got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
When you solve for peace every minute of every day, and you're not going to war every minute of every day, then you don't have anything to escape from at nighttime. Does that make sense? Yeah, it sounds good. I know, I know. It's like, okay, good. So here's what I mean.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You're not in a place where a vacation for you coming to Nashville, Tennessee in February is a thing you can do that's not highly, highly scripted. And it might be, this is not a quote unquote relaxing weekend or trip. Mine never are. I know. But let's make it a challenge in a positive direction, not an unleading that causes all kinds of relational damage on the other side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So you know when I'm out on vacation... Here is usually what I'm aiming for at the end of the night. I would love for you to sit down with your wife and say, can we plan this? Even if we have to go, we get scripts during when I'm on live events. They're called MBMs. They're minute by minute. And so that's where y'all are right now. And that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It's actually going to make you have a better trip because here's what you're going to do. You're going to sit down with your wife. You're going to say, let's dream about how we want this vacation to feel at 10 o'clock every night of the week we're on this trip. I want it to feel like, ah, okay, cool. What must be true? Cause I'm not drinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And it may be, y'all come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to a movie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But we'll, we'll have held hands. Come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to the teapack and go watch a play. Right? Like, so it's, it's, we're, We're going to plan this thing together. And that may be the greatest vacation thing you can do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
If you're gonna swear at me and tell me you hate me or whatever, then I'm gonna hang up the phone. And then when you're doing better, then give me a call, right? And when you tell me I'm the greatest that's ever lived, I'm not, and I know that, right? So I'm not gonna get hung up on that. But also, they're pretty amazing people and they can be fun and hilarious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And it may also be you get into February and your head over heels into recovery and your head over heels into a great therapist and you back up and say, hey, this trip in February, we're going to punt it to April. Because right now I've done enough, just enough counseling that the scabs are starting to come off and things are pretty raw.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so me hopping on a plane is just a recipe for landing six beers in. Or we're coming to Nashville, Tennessee, and we're going to go down to Broadway. And that's just not a good idea, man, because there's alcohol everywhere. It's okay. Great. Cool. And I hang out with people all the time who are stone sober. Professional musicians and comedians who, like, they can be around all day long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
They just don't even, like, meh. And so you'll get there. You're just not there yet. That's all right. You're training for a marathon. And you can do the couch to one mile. Great. You're on the path, man. Here's your homework assignment, brother. I want you to write a letter to 7-year-old you. And I want you to write a letter to 13-year-old you. And I want you to tell them, I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It was not their fault. Everything that happens starting today, you're going to take responsibility for. You're going to make the calls. You're going to get a new counselor. You're going to do the exercise. You're going to practice sleep. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want that to be your blueprint for you and your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
for building a life that is surrounded by peace. And for you, sobriety is going to be a part of that for a while, if not forever. Great. And we're going to meet with a good trauma therapist of which I know are in West Texas. And if you have to drive an hour or two, great. But we're going to get on the path or stay on it actually. I am proud of you. You call me anytime, anytime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I'll have you on the show anytime you cut to the front of the line and we'll walk with you. I'm proud of you, my brother. Day 12. You're on it, man. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so I'm not gonna live by the diagnostic. I'm gonna live by boundaries. I'm gonna live by compassion. I'm gonna live by love. Because the other reality is somebody who has watched enough on the internet and gotten in enough chat rooms and gone through, like, even met up with people, like, he's searching for a community and he's searching for an identity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all of the time, all day, every day, It can be tough to even know, what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all of those flag colors. Listen, how can you learn what you actually value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Therapy can help you figure out what your values are. It can help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships. And therapy can help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapist at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Kelly, give us something cool that happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
amazing way to go and if you are in a situation where you haven't talked to your parents in two or three years you haven't talked to your brothers and sisters for two three five ten years I just believe in redemption man I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in it and I always think today is a new day today is a new day you can start and like I'm gonna make that phone call or I'm gonna do it so awesome awesome awesome and I'm glad that we got to be a part of that journey um that's a good way to end the show today that brings me some joy to my hearts that's what I live for
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You're not going to live very long because that is not one of your skill sets. Hey, everybody, thank you for being with us. Love you guys. Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. Send this show to somebody that you love, that matters to you. And if you will take 10 seconds and leave a five-star review on one of the various internet platforms, it means the world. Thank you all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
What that means is he's hurting. And I will always welcome hurting people at my table. And... Three-year-olds are really, really malleable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Both positively and negatively. And chances are by the time that three-year-old is 13, your brother will be on to another thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So I don't want to overthink it. I think for you, I don't want this. I don't want your three-year-old to become the proxy war and a lifelong struggle with trying to connect with your brother. And here we go again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want you to own your grief and your good God. You know what I mean? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And, um, are there other family members participating in this or is it just, yeah, it's just, that's just brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if, um, if I showed up and to my nieces and nephews house and they Googled, um, What is a midlife crisis wannabe punk rocker who's kind of a B-level YouTuber? There'd be a rabbit hole on that Google search too, right? And so, yeah, that's more your concern than the three-year-olds. Three-year-olds will know they have a fun uncle who dresses up great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And three turning four, turning five, the days of your kid thinking that there's a live wildcat that's human size at a basketball game are coming to an abrupt end, right? Yeah. And so I think it's all good and it's all – I would just, again, compassion plus boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It's not going to come from the top down. Change is going to come from our neighborhoods, from our homes, from our classrooms, from our church buildings. It's going to come from the inside out. So I'm so grateful that you're with us trying to figure out what's the next right move. Shows real people going through real challenges. If you want to join us, I'd love to have you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And if he throws a fit and says, you don't love me and you hate me and I won't come to your table if I can't wear my helmet. I don't know what you call him. His true face or his true head. I don't know what you call it. Then you can tell him, dude, we're going to so miss you. And I hate that you're opting out here. We love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It's important for all of us to be able to see our faces and to talk to each other. I don't get to see you very often. And I hated that you don't want to be here. But there's always going to be a seat for you. And then he gets to opt out because he's an adult too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You know what I mean? But I always want somebody to hold their side of my boundary. Like here's where I draw a line and you get to opt in or out. And I sure hope you opt in. But I understand if you need to opt out. It'll make me sad. It'll break my heart. I may have to grieve it. But I understand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
He's lucky to have you as a sister. You've loved him for a long time, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And been frustrated for a long time, too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Both and. Well, he's lucky to have you, and your three-year-old's lucky to have you, too. I would suggest you, and this is going to sound strange, I would suggest you get off the internet with the Google searches, too. And I would love the person in front of me, not the Internet caricature or the Internet. The most sensational thing, the algorithm kicks up in front of me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I would love my brother in front of me and I would hold on to my boundaries there, too. Thanks for the call, Laura. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. I've got some stats that will shock you. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And because all of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become totally normal to, like, give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order food from the internets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the worldwide web. This is why I'm so happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at the reports my friends at DeleteMe have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Call and leave a message. We'll take your calls from all over the planet. 1-844-693-3291 or write in, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. You can fill out the form and get on it. We'd love, love, love to have you. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Laura. What's up, Laura?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, going through all of these different sites, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Individual Delete.me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's talk about TrainWell, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So if you're ready to finally start an exercise program or you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready to shake things up, you You've got to check out train. Well, I use it. My wife, my coworkers and their spouses, everybody I know is using train. Well, every single day and the results have been off the charts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Train will offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis and the results have been extraordinary. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get stronger and better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes exercise easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. And for everybody listening, they've extended their special offer. Just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February, that's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate. Plus you get 14 days of free training.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney. That's trainwell.net slash Deloney. Let's roll out to San Bernardino, California and talk to Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. What's up, Mark? Good morning. How we doing, brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Absolutely, man. Oh, yeah. It's super early where you are, man. Thanks for getting up so early with us. No worries. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Oh, awesome. And good morning to you, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So evidently she wasn't looking at him like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You got some healing to do because you have some scars on your heart. And the woman you want to reconnect with and rebuild with is the one who put them there. I'm sorry, my brother. I'm sorry. Have her call the show. I'd love to talk to her. I have a feeling she's got a story to tell, too. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, yes, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But if you ask me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And the best part about it is if you leave the money marriage retreat without your question answered, we cap it to just 600 couples or so. Um, If you leave without your question answered, that's on you. The whole purpose is getting access. You can listen to the show. You can read blog articles. You can read my books.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What's really important are your values and your potential romantic partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are all bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, ask yourself, how can I learn what I value? Therapy can help you figure out your values, help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and non-negotiables.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So whether you're dating, you're married, or you're building a friendship, or you're just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, I've got to tell you, I love Organifi. I love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But I also get that some folks are skeptical about Organifi and their whole food powders. Are they worth it? Listen, I get it. If any of you are still on the fence about green juice and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try Organifi out, I've got the perfect solution, the Organifi Starter Kit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's like if Organifi released a greatest hits album, but without the obligatory lame live tracks. In the Organifi Starter Kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and feel good from the inside out. You also get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's an early morning and an afternoon pick-me-up without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that keeps you focused and feeling great. But that's not all. You also get a full month's supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation, and supporting heart health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And to make mixing your juices even easier, the starter kit comes with an Organifi shaker bottle. When I started using Organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week, and I think you will too. Right now, you can save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
This kit is the best way to enjoy three Organifi products on the go, whether you're at the office, running errands, or hitting the gym. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off their starter kit and everything else on their site today. All right, let's go literally like five blocks over right down the street in Franklin, Tennessee and talk to Stephanie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Hey, Stephanie, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm so good. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Excellent. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You came? I was there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
This event is about being able to look me in the eye and say, okay, but yeah, what about my situation? And we're going to get your questions answered. Join us November 6th through 8th, 2025. You can go to ramseysolutions.com slash events. Get them quick. It sells out all the time. We've already sold a huge chunk of tickets for next fall. Get on it, get on it, get on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Dude, you have no idea how... That makes my soul feel good. Thank you so much. That's the most nervous I have been. For those of y'all listening, me and my buddy George Campbell, we co-host another radio show together, but we both called each other's bluff. We speak for a living, but we went to a tiny little comedy club here in Nashville and just did a comedy set.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's the most nervous I've been maybe ever, ever. Dude, I can't believe you came. Thank you for coming, Stephanie. That means the world to me. We're going to run it back in March, so I can't wait.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right. Fantastic. All right. So how can I help you? You've made my whole day. So now I owe you one. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Oh, golly, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm telling you. Well, it just seems like there was one big emotion. My God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You already know where I'm going. Brady Bunch action. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right, let's go out to Jackson, Wyoming, one of my favorite places in the world, and talk to Ryan. Hey, Ryan, what's up? Hey, John, how are you? Doing all right, brother. How about you? I've been a lot better. Let me know what's up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Can I just applaud you for that? Oh, thank you. Good God almighty. Listen, if, if everybody's listening to the show for five years, we just, or for four years, we'll just take that away. Like I'm an adult. I don't want to sit here and make up stories for the next seven months. I'm just going to ask you, do you like me? God, Stephanie, dude, the world would change with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But so high five to you. So you just asked him. And of course he was like, Oh yeah. Is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Did you yell out, me too? Oh, me too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Oh, you're like Brady Bunch, hold my beer, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
We got a dozen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay, can I just tell you one thing right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Take a huge deep breath. Exhale. Okay. Okay, listen to these two words and imprint them on your soul, okay? Okay. Slow down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And listen, you thought you were past this when you're not 17 anymore. It all comes back when you start dating again. Just slow down. This is an amazing, awesome, cool moment. And my guess is because you're a great mom and because you're just you,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You went all the way to the end and how are we going to explain our wedding and what's our wedding going to look like and how are we going to put 10 beds in this house, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Yeah, exactly. So this is a rad, cool, scary, exciting turn of events. Let it be that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I bet you are. Yeah. That was awesome. That was a great joke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Awesome. Okay. So I want you to spend some time by yourself defining what go slow means.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Just go slow mean physical. We're going to get together, but I'm not going to kiss you yet. It's too soon. Or is it mean like, Oh yeah. Like you decide what does go slow mean when it comes to, Physical intimacy. What does go slow mean when it comes to being seen in public?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What does go slow mean when it turns to like phone calls, writing, text messages, letter writing, telling the kids, considering like, I want you to define go slow because if you don't, you're going to have this idea of go slow and he's going to have a picture of go slow and your pictures are not going to match.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And so what you're going to do is you're going to feel this weird angst and frustration and annoyance with each other. And really you both want the same thing. You just didn't align your pictures up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Because he might say, yeah, I want to go slow. I want to make out, but I want to go slow when it comes to like, are we going to get married? And you might think, no, I want to go slow. Like you can hold my hand. Like, right. So you end up wanting the same thing sort of, but you end up just flying by each other in the night. And it's just about being clear on that. Okay. So that's number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
The second thing, and this is me being a bubble burster, is that okay? Yes. Just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And this might be the safest, most familiar step into a terrifying new world of dating with six kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay. And that doesn't make it wrong. That doesn't make it bad. That doesn't mean y'all can't have a great few months of just hanging out and dating each other. Right. And this is, you're his first safest wandering out into the world as a single dad with four kids. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm sorry that happened, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So just remember, familiar is gonna feel safe, but that doesn't mean it's right long-term because in addition to familiar, you're gonna want novelty and you're gonna want new and you're gonna want adventure. And if you try to bridge houses, y'all are gonna get plenty of that stuff, right? But don't mistake comfort for, or as the old caveman's call line says, don't mistake happiness for blessings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Just because it's happy and it all feels good doesn't mean like, dude, we're not gonna get married. All right, here is... Let me try to say it. I'm trying to think of the right way to say this in a non-clinical nerd way. Oh, man. How old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Have you said that out loud before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Oh, geez, Louise, on a stick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay, so your kids... are going to have all six different thoughts about this. That's not true. They're going to have a thousand different thoughts about this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And anything for, especially a teenager, if you've got kids from 12 to 18, 12 to 25, really.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's very, it's age appropriate. It's developmentally appropriate that they can't hold ideological discomfort without giving it to somebody else to hold their kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
okay what does that mean that means an 18 year old is going to see you potentially six months from now holding hands with another person maybe somebody that they've met peripherally and they're going to feel all kind of weird about it and they're going to have to blame you for that discomfort because they can't hold the tension of oh my dad is really gone or mom and dad the fantasy they're really really not getting back together
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How'd that go?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Or this other guy's like, oh, mom. So just be prepared for if you have an angry 14-year-old, that doesn't mean that y'all are doing anything wrong. That means they're 14 and there's a ton of feelings and they can't hold them. It goes back to that word sturdy that I talk about all the time that I got from Becky Kennedy. Like, we're going to make our decisions and we're going to move forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So what does that mean? There's not a stress-free way of introducing all of this to your kids if it ends up getting there. it's just going to be uncomfortable and weird and discombobulated. And you two are going to have to continue to work on your relationship and work on it and work on it and work on it and work on it. And you're going to have 10 different kids who are blending.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's just going to be chaos and just expect it. So I guess that'd be the last thing is if y'all pursue this right now, y'all feel like teenagers again. And that's a fun, exciting feeling, especially after all the hurt y'all both endured. So I'm going to tell you something crazy. Enjoy it. Enjoy the pitter-patter. Enjoy seeing his text pop up and you getting excited like you're 15 again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Enjoy all of that stuff. It's exciting. It feels alive again, right? And you felt dead in your own skin for a while. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay. Let that aliveness just course through you. Make good grown-up choices, right? But enjoy it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Understand y'all are signing up for the craziest roller coaster at the park.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right. And so just, just know that going into it. And last little thing, keep some space for being sad in ways that you didn't imagine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, so I want to, I want to start the conversation this way and then we'll dig into what happened. Um, You can only save your part of it. And she might not want to save it. And I think sometimes after somebody cheats on us, we think that we, it's all our fault. And so we need to do a bunch of stuff differently. infidelity almost never happens in a vacuum, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And there are little things that will hit you. Like if you hold hands with him this weekend, you'll look down and really quick in a blink, it won't be your husband's hand, your ex-husband's. He'll look down and it will have different, your fingers will look different than his ex-wife's fingers. It's little bitty things that are both exciting and also catch you off guard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And it just has a little, it's like a grief dart that you don't expect. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Cool. All right, so I threw a ton at you. I'm just rattling stuff off here. How's that hitting you? Exciting? Cool? Did I just douse cold water on you? Tell me what you're feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Well, If you just go have a great time with your best friend's husband, which sounded awesome. I hope they clip just that and put that in the teaser. It's going to make this call really well on YouTube. If y'all choose to just go have a blast, that's a weekend well spent. If y'all go laugh, tell old stories, he's like, I knew your husband sucked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And you were like, this is super weird that I'm holding hands with my wife. best friend who passed away. Just put all the weird on the table. There's no reason to hide it. And you are one... God, you're so far ahead of the curve, Stephanie. You're like a hero.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
There's going to be the weird part because you know him and there's going to be the weird part that you know... I don't know how to say this without just being crass. That he partied with your best friend, right? You'll know all that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
There's going to be those safety alarm bells in your body that says, hey, if I let another military man get close to me, he's going to hurt me like the other guy did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But expect those alarm bells to go off and vice versa. He's going to have that GPS pin in his soul that says she may get sick and pass away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Right. So one of my closest, closest buddies and mentors, his his wife lost her first husband with just an out of out of the blue health experience. And I just remember him when they were newlyweds. She was extra attentive. She should be right. And so just expect that weirdness and that awkwardness. And I think what I love about you, Stephanie, is you're so far ahead of the curve.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You just put on the table. Hey, do you like me? Is that why you're Facebooking me? You old man with a bunch of kids. And so you just putting it on the table. I feel weird. Or my ex-husband used to do that right before he would scream and yell and punch a hole through the sheetrock. And I'm just putting it on the table. So maybe that's part of the deal. Y'all agree early on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
We're going to have as much fun as we can. We're going to align our pictures and words about what going slow looks like, what physical intimacy looks like, what being weird looks like. And we're going to put all the awkward on the table all the time. We're just going to make a commitment to that. And then, man, listen, if y'all get married in Franklin, Tennessee, I will go to that wedding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'll go to that one. So thank you so much for the call, Stephanie. You call anytime and swing on down the road one day and we got free coffee and cookies out here in the lobby. And I'd love to just come out there and give you a high five. Blessings to you on this new adventure. I wish you guys the absolute best and make good choices, Stephanie. That was awesome. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't like to use the word fault, but there's usually a world that's created between two people. Not always, but often. So you can, quote unquote, try to work on your part, but I don't want you to think you're a personal failure if this thing doesn't get held together because you don't want to hold it together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
They're actually more like a bath comforter. Listen, it doesn't matter what they're called. They're just amazing. And I also got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under. It's bye-bye for my anxiety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney for 40% off. Go check it out. All right, let's go out to San Diego, California and talk to Kevin. Hey, Kevin, what's up, man? Hi, how are you? I'm doing all right, brother. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Does she have visitation with you? Is the son a kid y'all share together? Yeah, I have, we have one son.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You don't believe him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Hold on. Forget all that for a second. Right this second. Because here's the deal. If your ex, let me say it this way. If your son's mom is going to be dead in three months from state, what kind of cancer is it? Are they telling you? Pancreatic. Yeah. Stage four pancreatic cancer. She's got less than six months.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If she truly has stage four pancreatic cancer and she will not be with us anymore after six months from now. Any, any, man, I'm gonna get myself in trouble here. Almost any self-respecting dad would get in a car and drive across the country and let his young son see mom before she dies. The other side of that is I don't think you believe her. Yeah, I don't. Okay. Yeah, I don't. So just own that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
She deceptive? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Does she struggle with substance abuse?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So what is your son? Is your son asking to see her again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, what's okay to not be okay. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
No, but what you can't tell her is your mom's very, very sick and she, she needed to, she decided to step away or she needed to step away. But I want to see her. She's very, very sick and can't be seen right now. Yeah. That's what we tell a five-year-old. Yeah. Because, by the way, any mom who doesn't want to see her five-year-old son is struggling with something, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right. So what happened? Tell me what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay. But listen, I, this is five years ago. I don't, I mean, four years ago. I mean, you had to split, you had to split. I guess, let me, let me say it this way. I don't know. I still don't really fully understand what you're asking, but let me just say this. If you find out, and by the way, I would not take, um, a comment from a cousin, um, Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If she wants to reach out and you have ways of confirming it, or if her attorney or your attorney wants to be notified that she's about to pass away and wants to change the agreement so y'all can go see each other, then don't be the dad that doesn't let his young son have a photo with his dying mother. Okay? And you're going to have to put back the crap she did to you four years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Get over yourself. if this is another move in a long line of deceptive things and dishonest things and shady things, then you need to go do your due diligence and find out if this is actually real, if this is true, et cetera. And I don't know a way to do that without being awkward or asking hard questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
She hasn't even contacted you, dude. Yeah. So let me put it this way. If I was, if I got a six month diagnosis, you're going to be dead in six months, John. and me and my wife didn't live together, the last thing I would do on the planet Earth would be to find a way that I see my kids. Period. I wouldn't call a cousin who called a somebody. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Now, maybe she's not well. She doesn't feel welcome. It feels awkward. Maybe you tell the cousins, you have her reach out to me. If she wants to see her son, she needs to reach out to me. We're talking adult stuff now. Okay. And if she can't talk, she can't see, then you can manage that here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But I'm telling you, you don't want to be on the other side of this thing where I thought she was lying and then she passes away. And your son, you have to have that conversation with him. Yeah, she let me know she was dying and wanted to see you, but I didn't do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I wouldn't, but you can do whatever you want, man. Yeah. Because like, you can ask to see her medical records. You can ask to go to a doctor's visit with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't know any of those newfangled Jen, Jen, why words, whatever you're saying, what, like, what does she do? That was so bad. Uh, she cheated on me with her ex. Okay. And, uh, and that's the reason to keep a little boy from her mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Yeah, yeah. All right, so she's proven unsafe, and she's proven to be a person who will go to the ends of the earth to get what she wants, even if it means lying and cheating and ruining somebody else's life. Yeah. Okay. I have no... If somebody cheats on you, yes, we've got to deal with that relationally. But that's still the mother of your kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What in the world's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. talking to you about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriage and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. And you tried to Google it and you tried to chat GPT it and you just went, what? I just need someone to sit down with me and listen to me. And that's the promise on this show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If somebody tries to go to the ends of the earth to get primary custody, fine. Unless they use the kid as a bargaining chip, and then... That's when I rarely get mad, but I get mad when couples do that. But I don't get mad that couples are about to get divorced and they both are terrified to not see their kid very much. I get that totally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Now we're getting into different layers where in order to see her kid more, she looks at you and makes up lies about you. They're going to get you in jail, get you fired, get you all those kind of things and make it to where you can't put food on your table. Yeah, then we got a problem. The relationship is over. Between my son and his mom? Correct. It's over. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Like a caretaker relationship, a friend relationship, a loving, interconnected, intimate relationship. It's over. She ended it. Yeah. Okay. She's made choices repeatedly over the years to not have a relationship with her son. Period. End of story. This isn't about her at this moment. This is about when your son's 19 and he's trying to figure out who he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Half of him will be you, a good man who worked from home, probably made less money than he was worth because he was working from home, got him through special needs, got him the resources that he needed, was really an attentive, caring father. Half of him will be that good man. And he'll always know that half of him was this other person. Okay. And that's the world he's going to have to inhabit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
When I'm thinking ahead to that 14 year old, to that 17 year old, to that 25 year old, I'd rather him have a picture with him smiling next to this woman who he does not know who's wearing a bandana because her hair has fallen out from her chemo treatments as she's trying to hang on the last few months of her life. I'd rather that
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
then him look at you from across the table and say, I could have seen her. And you kept me from it because you were too dramatic and saying she did shady things because you couldn't get over her cheating on you five years ago. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Both of these paths are messy. Both of these paths are gnarly. That's what happened when y'all made a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
That's what happened when she cheated on you. The whole thing blew up, right? So there's not a stress-free path forward. Every time somebody gets divorced and there's a kid involved, I always tell them, you're playing a 20-year game now. You're playing a 15-year game now. And so, yes, I would. It's me personal. Now, I don't know her. I don't know her backstory.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't know any of the stuff that she's done to you personally. You do. So you take this with a grain of salt. If somebody had accused me of physical abuse and emotional abuse and tried to call the police and I had to go do it, I probably would not enter their orbit again because I would be terrified for not being able to provide for my kid in case they made some more crazy stories up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But if four and a half or five years ago, somebody did something stupid and they cheated on me with their ex and then yada yada and partridge in a pear tree and it got nasty for a bit, but here we are, calls and says, I'm dying. I'm going to be dead soon. Can I see my son? I would make that happen. And it would be awkward and it would be awful. It is not a rekindling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It is not a reintroduction into our lives. It's not renewing relationships. She burnt it. It's over. But it would be a gift to this young boy as he becomes an adolescent and becomes an adult and tries to figure out, who am I? Now, if this mom is unsafe, then absolutely not. If this mom is unhinged and untethered,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
and she's willing to go to the ends of the earth to burn you alive, then no, I would not put myself in harm's way that way. So you're going to have to make your decision there. You're a good man. You're a good dad. And that little one's lucky to have you. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Halo, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's officially Lent, and Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer, and even meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout Hallow's The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. You'll get to participate in experiencing life change yourself. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloney right now, you'll get three free months. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check them out at hallow.com slash Deloney for three free months. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right, we are back and it's time for a money and marriage question. This is a live question that somebody asked at the money marriage conference and I thought it was a good question and wanted to bring it to everybody. So here's the question. My husband and I are millionaires. This is a common question I get. Just kidding, I don't get this question almost ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But I do think it's important, so hang with us. My husband and I are millionaires. We can't seem to agree on a timeline of moving to a different city or a different state. He's more methodical and I'm more spontaneous. How do we move forward? So yes, very, very, very few of you listening to this are millionaires, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Very, very few of you are in this place where we can kind of do whatever we want, whenever we want. And we're fighting on how to do that slow or fast, right? But almost everybody listening here has, they want to get a new car. They want to move schools. One wants their kid to go to a state school and one wants their kid to go to a fancy private school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Trying to figure out, do we just make the two boys share a room or do we go get a whole other house? Or should we take out a HELOC and build a garage apartment, right? And one wants to move fast, one wants to move slow, whatever. By the way, don't take out HELOCs. It's so stupid to leverage your home. for a credit card. Anyway, that's another conversation, different show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
He's more methodical and I'm more spontaneous. Here's what I always want to get when people say, I am this way and you're that way. You're identifying with a way of solving problems that your body feels keeps you safe. Some people feel that they can best solve problems when they go very, very slow and they think it through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How long did the emotional affair begin? Because here's what I'm hearing happened. For a year, she told you, I'm not attracted to you. I don't feel this about you. You're overwhelming me. All you want to do is have sex with me. I just want to lay here and cuddle. I just want to do my own thing. You're bothering me. You're smothering me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And sometimes that thinking it through and going slow becomes a way to procrastinate, to not make the final decision. Others, this is more like me, are like hyper spontaneous. And it's their way of not having to think things through. We're just going to go. We're going to figure it out when we get there. And both of those are ways that we keep ourselves safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And so I want to get to the underlying question. Beneath the I just need some more time. I need some more data or let's just go. Let's just pack up and move What's beneath that? I'm bored here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I need some adventure in my life and I want you to come with me Yes, I know we have a whole bunch of money But I worked really hard and I kind of love this house and I love our little neighborhood church And I love being able to ride my bike to the grocery store, even though i'm 62
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't know that I want to move, and I know that we had dreams of moving to the mountains or moving to the beach, but I kind of like our just Midwest town. What if now that we're millionaires, what if now that we paid off our last credit card, what if now that our marriage is in good footing, we decided to get real, real fancy vacations, do fancy vacations a couple times a year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What would life look like if we didn't have to move? Those are deeper than we can't agree on a timeline. I want to get to those questions because then we get into the grief. I don't want to move. And I told you I did, but I don't. Oh my gosh, I hate this town. I wanted to move. I've always wanted to move. I want some adventure. I want some... So then you can start solving the actual problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right, if we're not going to move, what would not moving look like? And what would adventure look like? Or... Okay, we are going to move, but I got to stay connected to some of my close friends here. Making friends in your 50s or 40s or 60s is the worst thing on the planet. And I want to stay connected here. So I'm going to put some money in our account.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So here's for instance, when we moved to Tennessee, my wife and I set up a fund for plane tickets to go visit family because both of us are pretty close to our family. We set up plane tickets, like just a small fund. It's not huge or anything, but a small fund that if somebody's parent passed away, I'm going to go to those funerals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Some of my closest friends in Texas, I'm going to go to those funerals. I'm going to have an account for that. So we just built in travel as a part of, we want to stay connected to those folks, but we both think it's right to move. And so I want to get to the beneath the timeline question and get to the How's your body trying to keep you safe during this period of transition in our lives?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And here's the final question that I want every couple to ask all the time. How do we want the house to feel when we walk in every day? Do I feel like I don't know what town I'm in? I don't know anybody here. I'm nervous. Do I want to feel like I know everybody here and I'm just comfortable? How do you want this house to feel like? And then you can build a timeline, reverse engineering from that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How do we want this thing to feel? Let's go make that happen. Thanks for the question. There's not a name on here. Oh, yeah. That was part of an anonymous question drop-in. So there you go. I hope that helps. Hope that helps. Always get to the question behind the question. If you're procrastinating, what is not doing the thing? How is that keeping you safe? Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And so this whole year, you've been trying to figure out what you were doing wrong. And what she was telling you is she's uncomfortable in her own skin, in her own house, and she's found it elsewhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
She's found that aliveness that starts with a spark, that starts with a, oh, this one's safe because this guy's married, this guy's my boss, and I don't have to go home and actually look in the mirror and deal with me. And so it's fun to have a conversation. It's fun to be a little extra flirty. It's fun to...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
make little funny notes, you know, cause she has access to his calendar and all that kind of stuff that turns into, Hey, you want to meet for a drink? That sounds like, does that sound familiar?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, Why do you want to see this marriage? Let me ask you, how can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's your next right step. All of us have chaotic lives. Not everybody's got somebody they can just sit down with. And that's what this show is all about. You want to be on the show? Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and check this out. This upcoming fall, my favorite event I'm a part of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Well, I mean, I think happiness is inside your guts right now. Um, you help me find it. Well, I mean, there's, there's, there's so many layers here. Um, You have bought into a story about how she suddenly found you unattractive. You've bought into a story about your marriage is full of love and you're crazy about each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You've bought into a story that she was just good buddies with somebody who found her attractive and she just kind of goofed up. all those stories are creating this context where you're suffocating and you're, it's tough to hear. Yeah. And I, again, you and I could talk for five hours on this deal, probably for five different weeks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
In many of the situations when I've had a very similar conversation with somebody, when you dig down to the root of it, You're a good man, and she finds safety in you. I'm a really good man. She has absolutely no idea how to practice or create desire and novelty and romance and eros. And so what she does is she doesn't chase joy. She doesn't chase stability. She chases excitement. Okay. Aliveness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And that is a fire that can never, it's all consuming. That's how you end up doing something. And that's like, you know, let's just go read the YouTube headings on this show. That's how you end up in crazy situations when you're always chasing unbounded. And I'll come back to what that means. Unbounded excitement, aliveness. Seeking aliveness is amazing. It's the same as spending money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Spending money can be fun. Money gives you options. It gives you resources. It gives you access to really cool, shiny things. But just unbounded spending creates huge deficits that ultimately end you. Right? And so what it sounds like You are floating in the ocean and she just keeps saying, I got to swim over here because it's all you. It's all because of you. It's all because of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And you're such a good man. You keep going back to the mirror saying, okay, what can I do? What can I do? What can I do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
We just did the Valentine's Day weekend and it was off the hook. It's my favorite event that I'm a part of. It's called the Money and Marriage Getaway. It's a weekend retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee. It's a marriage retreat. Y'all get on the planes, on the buses, on the, on the planes, trains, and automobiles get to Nashville.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And I'm afraid if this marriage ends with what she has told you about you, about how your lack of attractiveness, about your lack of desire, your essence is too much, that part of the reason you want to hang on to this thing so bad is because what she has said about you is so personal. Yeah. And what I'll tell you is she has put you in a very unfair position.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Because if this thing goes south, your identity is in ash. Yeah. Because your wife has said, no, no, no, it's absolutely you. It's the way you look. It's the way you are. It's the way you try to love me. Dude, nobody can come back. Nobody can hold that weight. That's too heavy. You get what I'm saying? So what do I do? I think you got to call somebody today. And here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm going to hook you up with three months with BetterHelp right now so you can at least talk to somebody today. Okay. And I think you need to see somebody in person in your local area, but I'll get you hooked up today. Okay. And if you haven't wept, let me put it this way. The marriage you had is officially 1000% over. Okay. It's over. There was too much line enough to know that. Okay, good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
The question is, do you and her want to sit down and make it work? Now, here's what love sounds like. Love looks like your partner gains 20 pounds or 50 pounds, and I still love you deeply, and I'm still attracted to you as a person, and I love you enough to say, I'm worried about your health. Or, hey, don't wear those jeans anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Or as my wife told me the other night, I look like a backstreet boy because my jeans were real tight, and I tried to blame the jeans. It was not the jeans' fault. It was me. It was me, right? Or love looks like, dude, people get zits, people get bad haircuts, and people get skin cancer and have to have big chunks of their nose taken. Love looks like those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And attractiveness for sure matters. Anyone who says it doesn't is lying. But this idea that somebody is going to... I hope you hear what... Those feelings you have are right. She has blamed your entire essence on the falling out part of this marriage. And I want you to let that go. She made choices, man. You're a good man. Is that right? I'm a great man. Okay. I want you to exhale in that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I want you to go to the mirror when we get off the phone in your bathroom. I want you to close the door. I want you to put your fist in your chest. I want you to look yourself in the eyes and say the words, I love this man. Okay. I don't want you to feel it. I don't want you to drop your shoulders. I want you to say, I love this man. Now, do you have crap you need to work on? Of course. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's a weekend with me and my buddy, Rachel Cruz, and a couple of special guests that we bring in because Nashville is kind of a rad city for that. And listen, three days of laughter, hard conversations, often some tears, intentional time together, lots of practical teaching.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What is it she finds unattractive about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, I, she doesn't respect my confidence. She doesn't respect me. That's it. And I don't mean that in the like traditional matcha. That's what I mean. We got to start there because you can't stay married. You can't stay connected and love someone who just thinks you're a loser. And maybe the word she's using, I'm unattracted to you. Maybe that's the essence she's talking about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And let's get to the bottom of that. But you're a good man. Do you have things to work on? Sure. Can you get less messy? Yes, of course. She's Louise. Does it suck getting laid off, quitting a job, and then finding yourself? Yes, it does. Does that make it hard on a household? Yes, it does. Sean, I need to sit down and decide if we're going to stay together right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Listen, I hope you're doing well wherever this happens to find you. And today we're gonna do something a little different. I do interviews on other podcasts all of the time. Like all podcasts from all over the planet. Some of them you've heard, some of them you have not heard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You're right. But on the other end, you and I talk about it all the time. I came with this idea for these little— I thought it was a unique idea. It turns out it wasn't. They're everywhere. But conversation starter cards. I've got an email that I saved. It's hilarious. That Dave Ramsey was like, you're wasting my time and my money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And like, I don't remember what it was, but it was a funny response email. Like, this is not a, why are we doing this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then he has multiple times said, yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong with a lot of zeros on the end of that one, right? It ended up being a great thing that helps people and it sold a lot of products. And so like, but when he said when, not him, but when the whole thing was, I feel like I'm fighting my company to do a thing that I believe in. It wasn't a moral, ethical thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It was a thing I wanted to do, and they didn't want to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Dude, my wife loves me, and my kids like me. That's right. And I've got four same knuckleheaded buddies. Right, who have no clue about any of that. That's where my anchor is. Yeah, I agree with that. God loves me. That's where my anchor is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm hyped for you to hear it. Thank y'all so much. I love y'all. Enjoy this bonus episode of Front Row Seat with me and my friend, Ken Coleman. Rock on. I left the back door open. We pulled into the driveway. My dad looks at me, and he said, I knew it. He pulls a gun out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
A close buddy of mine is a psychology professor back in Texas. He asked a question one time, and it haunts me still. He said, what if we lived our lives every day like we couldn't move? What conversations would we have? How would we forgive? What little annoyances would we let fly by? But a conversation you and I have a lot, we've created this world that our bodies weren't designed to live in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We can all pack up and move. There's companies that'll come pack up and move for you and your new company will pay them to do it. It's so trans, like everything's transitory. But we have to remember, dude, we have these little tiny bodies that were designed to live in small tribes forever and to go around. And if your body woke up and realized, let me say it this way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If your body recognizes you don't have anybody that you're all you've got, it would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. Because you're all you got. It would be failing you if you have, if it let you have a deep, connected, sexual moment, intimate time with your husband or wife. Because it's not time for sex. It's time to not die. You don't have anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Then we blame, oh, you got anxiety. Oh, you're not eating well. Oh, you're like... All of this stuff, in my opinion, distills down to a brain that is screaming, you are all you've got. And if you have to be responsible for... Provision and security and rest and children. And your body says, we can't sleep because we're on now. And you can't do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That jumped out to me to make sure— You have to go first, and you have to be weird, and you have to treat it as serious as the pending stroke that it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So I moved from Texas. I lived in Texas 40 years. And— Like so much so that when I told my family, my dad and my mom, and they lived a couple hours from us, so we were all pretty close. Hey, I'm moving out. Like my dad had like a, oh, you're moving that at Texas. I mean, it was that kind of like, hey, you know, Al Qaeda's waiting for you at the Oklahoma border.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And like, you don't leave Texas, right? And so, but we moved here. It was priority numero uno. I have to have a couple of guys that I meet with all the time for breakfast, for going for walks, for lifting, for something. I have to have that. And here's another hot take. I don't think that's best at work because...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If you're best friends with the people you work with, that is so amazing until it's not. And if all of your human connection is at the workplace and one of you gets let go, one of you gets downsized, one of you gets demoted, one of you is a great friend but just can't do this particular job as it's morphed and you need to do it. You used to go to concerts together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You used to go to church together. Your kids used to play together. Now you can't go to concerts. Now you can't go to the same church. Like it blows up everything. So it's good to be friends and colleagues, but you have to do the hard work of having friends outside of this place where you don't have to be on. You can say, I know it's inappropriate. This is real funny. Look at this, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Where you can say, dude, my dad said he don't want me to come home for Thanksgiving. I remember distinctly, one, two, three, four, maybe four jobs ago, having a hard conversation. I was working at a faith-based university and I was going through like a gnarly season of, I don't think this is real anymore. I'm wasting my time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
What I know now is a normal late 20s, early 30s guy trying to figure out what he believes. That hard conversation was honest and vulnerable. And that guy told one guy, told another guy, ended up in a performance review, right? And so my immature response was, I just didn't tell anybody anything for another 10 years. And then I almost blew up everything in my house, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So that's a dumb response. So when you go to a new place... You'll call the electrician, the electric company to turn your electricity on. You'll turn your water on. You have to then take it that serious. We've got to start inviting people over. I agree. We've got to go meet our neighbors. We've got to go. Right now, there's a researcher out of Florida State.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
His name is Thomas Joyner, and he is one of the most renowned suicide researchers. And he talks about a three-legged stool and there's been some debate about it. But when you're trying to do a suicide assessment, is this person actually going to hurt themselves, right? And we know about means. Do they have an ability? Do they have a bottle of pills? Do they have a weapon? Like, do they have that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And there's multiple conversations, but here's the one that stuck out at me. Perceived burdensomeness. When you get in your mind and in your body that those who love me would be better, the greatest gift I could give them is to not be here. Other people's lives would be better if I'm not here. And you wanna go one step removed? Look at the culture we've created overnight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If I called, not you, but if I called you at 11, I was like, hey, will you give me a ride to the airport real quick? Or you called me, my first thought would be to just Uber. Right. Sure. I don't ask my neighbor for eggs anymore because I just Instacart it. I don't ask somebody to help me move. I just hire some guys. And so now we have created a world where we think we're a burden for everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And that begins to weigh on. I'm not going to call them, dude. I don't want. I'm not going to bother them with. Now we know the greatest gift I can give Ken is, hey, you got five seconds. Can you help me think through this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Right? That's right. The greatest gift I can give is when one of my buddies calls. If somebody calls and asks me to move, I don't want to be your friend. But other than that, that's the worst, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But like to feel needed is like a core human need. Yeah. And so we've taken that out and we have made it all a transaction. That's right. And so we're all walking around with this underlying low-level hum that we're, We bother other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My wife came downstairs in the basement and she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. The stuff that makes us human, all that goes away. The times in history when that's happened, it ends very poorly. We've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And it would be better if we just did this. Yeah. And then we move. I'm not going to bother my new neighbor. I'm not going to. You have to or your body's going to implode on itself. It's just that simple.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I tried to always keep in check this sense that I'm not worthy to be in this conversation. So I know there's a common Instagram-y thing like, find the 10 guys that you want to be one day and you go see what you can learn from them. I think that turns every human interaction into an ROI, into a 401k. I'm going to put this in and hopefully I get this out of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I think that's the death of true relationships. So... The joke around here that's not a joke was I had an 18-month ramp-up plan for this new job. I'd never been on the radio. I'd never been on podcast. I didn't know anything about this. I just joined here late January 2020. The world melts down in March. And then just a few months later, Dave Ramsey's like, I hired you to help hurting people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My biggest aha moment of studying marriage over the last year has been... Somebody said this in a meeting and I was stunned.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Everybody's hurting. We're going to figure this out on the air. So my first time on the radio was on the second largest radio show in America, okay? The very first episode, maybe the second one, he said something, and I don't remember what it was about, but I remember saying, that's not right. And you could feel the... I didn't know enough to know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You don't tell Dave Ramsey on the Dave Ramsey show that's not right. It started a great conversation. He loved it. The audience was like, who's this guy? But here's the most important thing. I didn't, I wanted to add value to what I was doing. That's what I thought I got hired to do. And I didn't put my self-worth into whether this other guy likes me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My wife likes me and my friends like me and my kids like me. And so I think when you are trying to find other men in your life, other women in your life, those that we want to hang out with feel the globbyness of... You know what I mean? They feel it. Instead of... Nice shoes, man. And you might get some... But there will be a guy that's like, dude, that guy, like that's my guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Does that make sense? And so I think where can I add value to something? Like, hey, let me help you with your yard. Or I've got a neighbor who's doing a thing like, hey, let me watch your house while you're gone. He doesn't know me, right? But now he knows, oh, you're the kind of guy that offers to watch my house when I'm gone, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Hey, you're kind of creepy, but also you're probably my guy, right? And so I think it's how can you add value to somebody's life? And maybe the other way to say it is just be a good person. Right? But then the other thing is you've got to go be weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
you got to have the reputation of the guy that will tell the truth. Like, I just tell the truth. That's right, because you'll attract, I get what you're saying. Not like, I'm going to call out, I'm a guy who calls out. Right. No, I'm just a guy that tells the truth. Like, if I say something dumb, Ken will be like, that's absurd. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And not because, like, Ken's a guy that calls out friends, but it's like, Ken just tells the truth, which is why I love Ken, right? Like, I know he's going to tell me the truth, even if it's different than what I think, right? But that's who you are out in the world. That's fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But I think you have to flip that and I got to go first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So let's take someone like as well-known and famous and powerful as Dave is. Like my dad loves me. My wife loves me. So I don't need that from him. What I need is a trustworthy boss, a trustworthy leader who's going to lead the company. And I need someone to teach me the ropes, right? I don't know how to play guitar. And now I'm all of a sudden on stage and he handed me a guitar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I don't know how to do this. And also, I happen to be by one of the most well-known financial minds of the world. So he's my, like, right? And he needs me to tell him the truth. If he calls something on the radio, I'm like, I don't think that's right. And so there's this, I'm not afraid to be like, dude, I don't even know what you just said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
and I didn't know enough, he would go through this long explanation of a mutual fund on air and I'd be like, Hey, could you say that? This is on air. Could you say that like I was a fourth grader? Because I don't really understand what you just said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Then they're like, dude, the audience loves that because sometimes it, and so it's, I'm not scared to look dumb in front of him because I haven't outsourced, please tell me that I've got value. That's not his job in my life, right? Which allows us to get closer and closer and closer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And now I consider him a great friend and he's wise and he's helped me with some really gnarly stuff in my personal life. But it's because I'm not scared to look dumb, right? But it's that going back to going first. But all of it works on a domino. It's like that's because this stuff at home is okay. And that allows me to go out and be like, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So we've created the loneliest generation in human history. And we've taken that to our homes. And we've asked our spouses to be everything. They have to be co-earners, co-parents, co-house runners. You have to be hot until you're 95 and still sleeping together. You have to like the same things, go to the same things, eat the same things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The thing that drives me probably, if I were to take a 30,000-foot view, is... kind of an obsession with making sure my son, who's 14, and my daughter, who's nine, never enter into a space in this world where they don't know they can't come home. And that starts with saying the right things and doing the right things, but that also starts with me not being radioactive, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so what that means is I've had to do a lot of heart therapy. I've had to admit to some stuff that I want to talk about, right? I've had to be honest about stuff that happened to me as a kid. I've had to do the work to heal. And then I've had to learn, like, go down a rabbit hole to learn the stuff. So that's probably the biggest one. The second one is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
just sitting behind closed doors with people who've got everything, right? And it kind of happened accidentally 20-something years ago. And I think most... People are pretty good. I think most people are doing the best they can. And when situations rise up, they open their toolkit and they don't have a... They don't have... They have a hammer and a chisel. It's all they got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so they try to solve problems with what they have. And so I think where you have a culture that tells you why you're wrong and tells you what you're doing wrong and you said the wrong thing and now you get in trouble for thought crimes. Now you can't think something. You can't ask a question anymore. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I just think it's important to provide a picture for here's what it looks like to not have all the answers, but to provide a picture of what it looks like to sit with hurting people. And I don't think we have that picture anymore, right? Like I don't want to yell at my kids anymore. I don't even know what that would mean to not do that. I don't have an alternative. I keep going in my bag.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That's all I got. So I think to answer your question, like to help other dads, to help other moms, to help other folks have a picture for what it looks like, right? There's the Andes, there's the Hubermans of the world who are brilliant neuroscientists. They know how to do all that stuff. That's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I want to apply that so a single mom with two kids can know how I can do this one thing better with my kid. So those are the things I think that drive me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm asking you. So the pull, the boat I get dragged behind is, my sister was a savant and my little brother was real smart and I was a stupid kid. I was the jock. My dad was a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator. And so I lost every argument I was ever in my entire life. And I learned, I will learn how to dance with words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My mom was told at the family she grew up in, she was not allowed to go to college. You will not go. You are a, in their particular faith, like you have a role and it is to not be educated. You will find somebody to marry and you will stay at home. And then at 42, she went to college and she's in her 70s and she's still a grad school professor right now. And so I'm getting dragged behind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
No, wait, I'm smart too. Maybe if I get the right degree, the right certificate, then somebody will finally turn around and be like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The guy who's a dad now, the compassionate guy, knows that my dad was a homicide detective. He sat with people who were going to go to jail forever, all day, every day. And then he had me, who shows up as a ninth grader, playing in punk rock clubs, right? And he knew enough to know, oh, that's the trajectory for my son. I see where this ends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Well, so when you do jobs like that, when you are a physician, when you're a preacher, when you're a cop, when you're in the military, if you and I were walking in a dark alley and there was somebody walking on the other side of us, and we took that track a thousand times, 998 times, There'd be no eye contact. We would just keep walking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
No human being can bear the weight that unskilled modern marriage is putting on a single person. And so what you have is two people who are good at co-managing the house. I'll get little league practice. You get this. I'll make sure we call the plumber. I'll get the trash out. And you have absolutely no shared purpose or building anything together. And life becomes so quick and so fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
One time out of 1,000, that person would pull their hood off and be like, hey, I got two tickets to Michael Bublé. You guys want to go? And I would be like, yes. And Kim would be like, please don't, John. Like, right? That's what happened. One time out of that 1,000, one time out of 100,000, that guy would pull out a hatchet and chop me and you to pieces, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My dad's entire life was dealing with things that never happened. which was somebody got murdered. And I think this is a lesson for all of us and I've really wrestled with it. When you go to work and that's your job, it's easy to become your whole life. There's a hilarious family story that's not funny at the time, it's funny now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
As like a eight or nine year old, we went to baseball practice and I was late like always. I ran out the back door, we get home from baseball, I'm in a North Houston suburb, like the worst crime that went on was like, kids said bad words, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I left the back door open. We pulled into the driveway, and my dad just got back from baseball practice. This is before, like, concealed carry. This is way back in the day. My dad looks at me, and he said, I knew it. and I didn't know this, he pulls a gun out that he's carrying and goes in and clears the house. And I remember being nine, being like, that's probably a bit much, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like, but that's his whole world. And so I think when he saw a loud kid or a wild kid, it's easy to go, Worst case scenario. That's right. Because all I do all day every day is worst case scenario. And so, yeah. You felt that. Absolutely. Did he say it? I remember maybe the hardest conversation we had was, I know you like music and I know you do this, but I can't support it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So I'm not going to tell you no, but I'm not going anymore. And I remember that kind of locked in. Yeah, let's stay there for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It goes back to that thing. It's funny. I never connected that. Ken, well done. It goes back to that thing I said with Hank and Joe, my kids. There will not ever be a line you cross that you won't turn and I'm not going to be right there. And so I knew, oh, at 14, there's a line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You can continue. I've crossed the line. But you're going on this one by yourself. And I'm going to stay here. Whether it's because I can't support you, it's because I don't like the image and reputation. Whatever it is, there's a line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I was an arrogant high school kid that listened to a lot of Pantera, so I was like, oh yeah, okay, right? So it was kind of, I can do this. Was it an I'll show you? No, because I knew early on that I'll do it in spite of you. I'll prove it to you. Jet fuel, it burns real fast. It burns hot, but it's not long. But what I did do is I started finding alternatives real quick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so the guys who were in that little punk band of mine, I talked to their parents more than I talked to mine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like, I'll find other adults. And in a weird way, my dad, halfway through my childhood, and I don't remember when, he stopped being a cop over a weekend and became a minister at a large church in North Houston. And I remember him saying, which is so wise— I'm now your minister. You won't be able to hear me. You need to find some men that you can trust and go to and talk to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I did not know how, what a gift that was back then. But I took it like, cool, that's fine. Now with new tools and new ideas and more, you didn't go to therapy back then. You didn't go to a counselor back then unless you were quote unquote nuts, right? And so my dream for me and Hank is when he comes to that moment is
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm going to go sit in the front row and you're going to have to do this looking at me, right? Like watching. And I'll tell you, I don't think that was a wise thing or I don't think that's smart or I don't think that's good, but I'm going to be right here. Everybody wants to, we talk about like, you want to be better, like you want to make more money than your kid or than your parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then I go to work and me and you and two amazing women are working together on a project that's going to help 10 million people. Now we have shared purpose. We're talking about how we feel about things. We have a goal. We have metrics. I'm spending more time with her or him than I am with my spouse. That's right. And the time we're spending together is rich. We're laughing, telling jokes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I mean, everybody wants their kids to do better than them. And so hopefully I have that same sort of, my dad has that same hope that like, all right, I'm going to take that and I'm going to remember that and I'm going to keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You'll find no more insecure person than me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Dude, I've had body dysmorphia issues since I was a little kid. Where does that come from? My parents were on, again, this isn't the blame my parents are. No. I think the meta is your kids, whether you say it or not, they absorb your home. They absorb messages implicitly, explicitly. And kids are, they have to because they're a weaker vessel, right? They have to know, am I safe here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And they feel it. They absorb it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
um my parents were in the newspaper for being weight watchers for how much weight they lost right and so there was a there was always a we're always on a diet we're always it was a thing right and that's back low fat was coming out and weight watchers was coming out and jenny craig was all these things were coming out they were the first oprah they were right they were everywhere and so i think you take take the message of aesthetics is really really important
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And you combine that with me being a Texas high school football player. And so I was playing in front of 5, 6, 7,000 people every weekend. And you take that into having acne. And you take that into, I was a good kid. I went to church, but I also liked punk rock music. And so I never really belonged. I never had, I never felt like, I always felt out of sync, right? I'd been out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Even this morning, it's just me being as honest as I can. I'm working with a guy out of California now on a 2025, like the new year, new me. And I had a weigh-in this morning. It was a bad weigh-in. And my wife came in, and she didn't see anything. I didn't say anything. We've been together 25 years now. She felt it, and she just walked in and gave me a big hug. She felt whatever was on me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And it was those old demons, like, really?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
A, struggling with the global anxiety that AI is going to take everything from me. We're going to get to that. So I've told this story, and I don't know if you and I have talked about it, but it's the blast radius from this conversation. And I'm in the middle of writing a book on anxiety. And... I'm laying out for America how to not be anxious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And my family all came for Christmas and they'd stayed. I'd invited them too long. They were trying to oblige me. And it's one of those things that we all have. Everyone's just had enough of everybody. And then I think I got COVID right after that. And then I got some, and I'm downstairs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
completely fried exhausted writing a book and you know book writing season is just on top of everything else and so it's early mornings late nights my head's somewhere else all the time um and i'm working out in the gym because you don't ever skip a day right like right and my manager calls And we were close to paying off our house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And he called and said, hey, there's these two speaking gigs that we're going to be shapeshifter for our family. I'm a cops kid, and my wife's parents were two school teachers. The idea of having no house payment was like dragons, right, and unicorns. It wasn't ever going to happen. He calls and goes, hey, man, you got a second. And I was like, yeah. He goes, hey, you know, two speaking gigs, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I chased him down. Here's the deal. And I was like, and he goes, he starts yelling. He goes, we got him. And I was like, what? And he goes, for sure, I inked this one. I'm 99% sure on the other one. I started cheering. Like I'm getting goosebumps again. I started cheering in the basement. I'm sweaty, gaunt, exhausted, sick, yelling. Yeah!
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So much so that my wife came downstairs in the basement and I'd set up this huge gym. It's really fancy pants down there and it's kind of rad. And she's smiling. Like, what are you yelling about? And I just got off the phone and I was like, we got them. She's like, got what? And it's like, I got this thing and wherever in Phoenix, I got this other thing and wherever. And I was like, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And my wife is so, when things get wild, things get wild out in the world, I get real calm. There's like a shooting or I got to go do something heavy, crisis. I get real calm, real still. And my wife will kind of get tense, but in relationship stuff, I get real amped up and she gets real calm. And so normally she would back up, head upstairs, knowing we need to talk. She didn't do that this time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
This time she came in and got real close, like this close. And she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. And dude, I got mad. I was like, what are you talking about? I just gave us the best news possible. And she said, the pie chart for how much I love you, the pie piece that is how much I love you, is how much money you make is full. It's full.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And she said, you can go do these speaking gigs. I told you when I married you, I would never tell you no. Go. But don't you dare say it's for me and for the kids because it's not true. It's for your ego. And, bro, I was beside myself. Right. It was a bucket of cold water. Right or wrong, it was cold water on you. And she looked at me and she said, John, we have enough. She turned and walked up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I remember yelling after her, what the hell is enough? And it wasn't yelling at, she was upstairs. I have like a rule about not yelling in the house. But I was like, what the hell is enough? And so here I am two years later. That was the single most important conversation we've ever had. Because from that, I went to therapy. From there, I sat with an oracle here in Nashville who...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It doesn't matter. It's oxygen. Because of the intoxication. It's oxygen. Right. It's oxygen. Yeah. How many of us go home and we pull into our street and you just... Right. Right? Right. And so it's worth everything. It's all positive at work. It's worth everything. I'm picturing this. But even when it's negative, y'all are negative together. Right. It's y'all two versus the boss.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But recently I was a guest on a podcast that was so great. I asked if I could just drop the entire episode as a bonus episode in my podcast feed. My friend Ken Coleman just came out with a brand new show called Front Row Seat. And I don't say this lightly. I think he's the best interviewer in the world. He's been doing this for like 20 years. And he interviews people from all over the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We had some, I talked about some deep, dark stuff that my wife didn't even know about that had happened to me as a kid, just hard stuff. But from there has been a always asking, do I have enough? Or do I believe I've got enough? What am I putting my trust in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's the constant struggle. Do I need to do this because it's right? Do I need to do this because I'm helping other people? Do I need to do this for my ego?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
or do i need to say no and make sure i'm at this weird third grade play right i'm not super certain my daughter's dressed up like a blade of grass and i don't know what we're doing here but i i can see her see me right and again going back to my original i want her to always know um yeah that the old man's got me right um and so i get all the way back as i'm chasing that bomb blast of
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I need to make sure I'm doing this next thing for the right reasons and making sure that my wife and I are locked step on whatever the next thing is. Because what I found is it doesn't matter how much money you make, dude. The demon's still at the table, bro. It doesn't matter how many followers you have. They're still at the table. It doesn't matter. How many books do you sell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The demons still have a seat at the table, and it doesn't shut them up. And so now that I know that, you know, you read about that, you hear about that. Now that I know that, now I can make different kind of choices. Thanks for sharing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Man, that's an amazing question. It's actually that right there. That question is what's consuming me. I have my clinical diagnosis OCD. I get obsessed with the question. I can't stop. And so that's the question that's haunting me right now. About a year ago, I went to our admin that we share and I was like, go to Amazon, buy every book on marriage that exists. I wanna like figure this thing out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Best I can find so far is secrets will destroy marriages, big ones, little ones, teeny tiny ones. The things like, hey, those little hairs in the sink drive me crazy. if you just sit on it and sit on it and sit on it, right? Then it turns into something over here. So secrets will destroy a relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The second one is you have to have, like the got my stuff, I love you, you distill all we don't, you have to be friends. You got to be friends. And I think friendship, it's an art, but it's also a science. It's a series of things. So here's a good example. I have a buddy that every time I go back to Texas, we all hang out. And we've watched the fights before the UFC was the UFC.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Even pride fighting over in Japan. I was obsessed. We've been super fans forever. We still get together. He always... always, Tim, leaves all the cans out when we're hanging out. Always. Always. My house, his house, other people's, always. We've yelled at him, made fun of him, just picked him up. Now I've been friends for 30 years. Whoever just picks up the cans.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Not one time have I ever driven home from watching the fights with him. with anger in my heart and tears in my eyes being like, what is he trying to tell me about our friendship? What is he trying, right? And then I go home and it's one in the morning because the fights went late and there's two wet towels on the counter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I put so much insane existential weight on every sneeze, every move, every snicker, because the third thing is going to that root She's the only one who really sees me. And if I don't give her a map to tell me how she can show me, tell me, let me know that I'm loved despite it all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
then I'm always gonna be wondering if every little thing, every little, I wanted to make out tonight and she wanted to watch TV. I wanted to do this and she wanted to go here. I wanna eat at this restaurant, she wanna go here. It's setting off that little GPS pin and maybe she sees this part of you, she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Does she, does she, does she?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so that's where all the great researchers, everybody talks about, they call them love maps. I call it a roadmap. You gotta give somebody a path. And Hollywood lied to us. There's no such thing as I see you across the other side of this ill-fated boat and I'm just gonna know your path to your heart. No, that's just dumb. It's insane. I have to say, you know what I need in this season?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like just us going for walks. My wife said something awesome the other day. She, yeah. She walked in and I was doing something and she goes, sit down on the couch. I need to borrow your nervous system for about 20 minutes. So we turn on an old Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode, the old office episode. And she just curled up against me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
They don't see your snot rags by the bed. They don't see you not flush the toilet. They don't see any of the stuff that makes you you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then when it literally was over, she goes, cool, that's what I needed. And that was it. But she, that was her telling me, I need your warmth and your strength. And I need your, like you're healthy right now. I just need to... Breathe up against my husband. What most couples would do in that moment, and by the way, that's lots of us almost breaking up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We don't have a perfect marriage, but anyway. Most couples would wish he would come over there and do that. And they would see him on the couch and get really pissed off and then go in the bedroom and then start scrolling or then go to find what that other guy that they were dating before is doing. And then, and then, or text, just do work emails.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then there's a funny emoji inside joke from a guy that she works with. And now you're off to the races.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
right and so you got to give somebody a map and by the way that map changes over time like the five love language maybe maybe gifts are important in this season maybe next season just tell me you're proud of me maybe the season after that is going to be passionate and peeling the walls off every hotel you go to right maybe and then like so it goes in seasons which means i gotta show back up and check in how can i love you today
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Well, it's like, give me one thing I can do that will show you I love you today. And so it's simple. It's be friends. It's the little stuff. It's just, dude, just pick up the towels. Just pick them up. Like, good God, stop. And pick them up. And then if there are the big things, let's have that conversation. And then you begin to create a path where y'all can go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's you and y'all two versus the world, man. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's like a John Cougar Mellencamp song.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I know a lot of dudes who protect and provide. And sometimes your family, or your family always needs a direct deposit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
They need that provision. They need money. They do. And I think everybody needs to be able to take care of their family, at least to get them out of a situation, right? They're not all gonna be Krav Maga instructors, but I need to know how to handle myself to get my family to a safe place, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But a lot of times, more than anything, especially in the modern world, our wives need us to provide our full attention. The greatest thing we can protect is not them from bullets. The greatest thing we can protect is their sense of feeling untethered because they feel like our job's more important than they are. And so using those same protect and provide words,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I guess when the research came out of Stanford a few years ago, that there's no such thing as multitasking, it's not real. I was convincing all of these brand new employees, most of my, like when I was working at universities, out of a jillion employees, but most of them, it was their first or second job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And it took energy for me to say, hey, if you'll not do everything, if for one hour you'll close that door and just work on this, you'll do it better, faster, and it will be way richer. And so one of the conversations I have with entrepreneurs a lot is if you'll stop for a minute, and get this really right, you will be stunned at how it tunes your engine and how fast y'all can go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So a follow-up to that conversation in my basement, I am busier right this moment than I ever was when I took that phone call in my basement. And my marriage right now, it might not be when this thing airs, but right now, I could not have, I would have bet you everything that it would not be as good as it is right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's as synced as it's ever been because it's not about the busy and the scattered. It's about, do you see me and still love me? Do you see me and still love me? And here's what that means right now. And my wife has to know that this is more important than a blog post. She does, right? And vice versa. So I appreciate that. Ian Simpkins, he's a pastor here down the street.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
has a great quote that he told me once when we were having lunch, and I wanted to slap him. You can't slap ministers, right? But he said, hey, if busyness is your drug, rest will always feel like stress, man. And when he said that, I was like, oh, you can get high off being busy too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
However— That study exists for marriage, though.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Here's my most eye-opening, oh my gosh, they're right, is exactly what he said. My biggest aha moment of studying marriage over the last year has been Let me back up. So working at universities, everybody's real smart and they get PhDs in these things and they study one sliver of a thing forever. That's what they know. And they know everything about that thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I found, I remember I was at a place at a party one time, whatever, and I was asking somebody like, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? And I think the thing I asked was about DEET, bug spray. Like, because it's a neurotoxin, it'll kill you. Like, hey, physician, ex-researcher, do you, what do you think about, what do you think about DEET, bug spray?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Oh, it's this and this. It's a neurotoxin. It melts this. And here's how it works in your brain and all this stuff. Then like a couple of months later, we were at a party and I saw her spraying her kids. And I was like, ah. That's what you believe about bug spray. And so I've just stopped asking people what they think. I've started asking them, hey, what do you do with your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Because that tells me what you really think about it, what you really believe about it. Or hey, what are you doing with your life? So if you go look at... Most wealthy people, strata-wise, they are married. And if you dig into the data, the single most decision, the most important decision you can make is who you marry. Correct. And if you marry well and you work really hard at it,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
There will be, it is a compound interest multiplier that you can't fathom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And let me tell you, the least important compound interest multiplier is your net worth. Who freaking cares? If you have a ride or die and y'all get through life and it's awesome. Here's the thing. We try to, dude, now I get all passionate about this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Because that's my wealth. Everything about you is better. But here's the problem. My grandparents got married right before World War II, and then World War II set off. My granddad went off. I think he was in the Pacific, but fighting Nazis, fighting bad guys, right? Then they had four kids and they had to survive. And then he came back and went to college, got engineering, like did all this stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then when he died at 73 years of marriage, I think, my grandmother dies shortly thereafter. And we had some good, fun conversations. She was a riot. But she lost a lung. She lost an arm and a leg. They were one. After 74, 73 years together, they became soulmates. And now we try to reverse engineer it and pick the soulmate on the front end.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I think for me— It's, I get those boundaries are great and they're good. I think everybody has to check themselves wherever they happen to be. And I think we've hit the pendulum really far in unsafe ways, right? Or not unsafe, but it's not smart. It's not smart. If you're attracted to somebody, don't go to lunch with them, right? Those are some low hanging fruit things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then after four years, I don't feel in love anymore, or I'm not feeling attracted to you. So foolish and stupid. When you're in a trench, I don't care how you feel, bro. We got to dig out of this hole we're in. We're married now. We have a mouth to feed. We got two mouths to feed, right? And so you can't reverse engineer it. You have to look at somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I don't want to oversimplify it, but it's this easy. You and me, will we decide for the rest of our lives that I'll wake up and decide how can I make your day, how can I make your life as good as possible? Will you commit to doing that with me? And if we do that together for the rest of our lives, we're gonna create something extraordinary. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And by the way, it's not gonna be pain-free, no life is, but when the storms hit, we've got each other. When your mom gets cancer, when my dad passes away, when we both lose our jobs, when 2008 happens again, which it will, and our houses get taken from us, We will be all the way in on the boat. So he is 100% right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The wealthiest of the wealthies still get married, and they still hang in there, and they still figure it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And, dude, it's like – The current world we have, when you, I love how you said step up. It's like getting a squat rack. And when you get under a squat bar and you're married, you look at somebody and you go ride or die, me and you, I do. I'm telling my family, I'm telling you, I'm telling God, you're my person. That weight goes, it's heavy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then you put kids in there, it gets real heavy, but that also means you get real strong. And sometimes you fall and you get hurt, but you get real strong. Right now, we have this insanity that the most important thing is net worth, job title, and then everything else that comes after it. Work should be in service to this thing that matters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
For me, I think that's symptomatic of if me and my wife were building something together and my chief purpose is here, Then work becomes a thing I do. And you become an amazing, beautiful woman. And you become an amazing, attractive. Like if this guy right here walks into any room I'm in, I'm going to feel safer. He's handsome. He's humongous. He's got great muscles. I'll just feel safer, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so you have a bunch of folks that have a bunch of commas and zeros in their checking account. They have no strength. They've never been under the squat rack of responsibility. That's right. And that's where life is. You know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Mm-hmm. By the way, you can feel it with adoption.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You can feel it with your own... You can, but it's about being in service to... That's right. Instead of about being a net drain on. Isn't that... It's so true. I remember... Dude, I remember... There's another hot take. You may disagree with me on this. I remember watching that amazing ESPN documentary on the Bulls with Jordan. Sure. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But I remember there was a scene with him. It's haunted me. He's in that hotel room, smoking a cigar, laying on the couch. And there's a cameraman. And down below in the lobby, it's packed with people. And he looks at him and he goes, you don't want to be me. And I remember thinking, oh, that guy can't go to the bathroom. That guy has no human interaction unless the person is on his payroll.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
He has no friends. Nobody he meets who says, I want to marry you, he'll never be able to sleep at night thinking, is this pure or not? And then I kept seeing those like five or six like pieces of cloth hanging in the rafters of a gym. And I kept asking myself two words, a two word question, for what? You gave up your whole life for what? Shiny stuff? Cool. Like for glory?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We all end up in the same box, man. We just end up in the same hole in the ground. Like for what? And so when I hear these, and it's for the chance to be great, fine, good, that's a whole other conversation. But when I talk to 25-year-olds, 27-year-olds, and it's like, no, no, no, dude, I gotta make this and I gotta go get this. And I always ask, for what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That's right. And that's what goes back to, I'm busier now, but I'm not in service to this nine-year-old boy who's still saying, am I loved, am I loved, am I loved? That's right. For the first time after some good therapy, when my wife says, hey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I want you. That's right. I believe her, right? I believe God loves me. I believe my dad's proud of me, even if he didn't say it in this magical kumbaya way that I wish he'd said it. That's right. I believe he does. And so now I can work even more hard. I can go even, I can go further. I can go faster because there's in service of something bigger than me. That's right. Right? Which is awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so I think to not believe that's real is me not telling myself the truth. It is, right? The other side of it is, It doesn't impact me in any way because what I'm building is here. So I think you can build these things, and I think they're wise and important, and everybody's got their different boundaries. This is where I wish more people focused. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That's right. All right, let's go back here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
As a leader, if you ever forget. that everything you're doing is in service to a downstream customer and you make it about you, your position, your title, you're standing with your supervisors, your shareholders, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If you ever forget, we make pizzas so that, because we want to make the best pizza, we make pizzas at a price that even a single mom who's just trying to figure out how to feed her kids can, we can put food on her table. If you ever forget that, whatever it is you do, then the whole toolkit, it doesn't matter what you have in there because you're just swirling to the toilet bowl of your own ego.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Everything's in service to you. So if you never forget, that's the thing that I think makes Dave Ramsey magic. I don't know any CEO of a multi-hundred million dollar company that still sits with the front end consumer three hours every single day. If the CEO of Domino's Pizza did the lunch rush five days a week, that company would look different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So Dave talks to these people every day on the radio and then we'll be in a meeting and I'll say something dumb like, well, I think that they will. And he's like, no, no, no. I talked to her yesterday. Here's, I heard it in her voice. He's right a lot, right? Maniacal about the truck driver who just has had enough with his life and he wants to change it, right? And so you can't forget that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The two tools I think when you're sitting down with your employees is A, just learn the skill of listening and don't immediately think that your team is dumb or wrong or somehow stupider than you. And they may not have the full picture. They may not have the full understanding of what's going on. But gosh, learn how to listen, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then the second thing is learn the skill of letting people do their jobs that you hired them to do. Like you hired me to, I don't know, be your jobs expert. When I come to you with stuff, don't fight me on it, right? I'm telling you. Like, let me help you do the thing you hired me to do. And I think... Yeah, I think that micromanagement burns people out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I think the people feeling like nobody's listening to what I'm saying. My expertise or my lived experience here at this job doesn't matter because they already made their decisions up. I don't know. You might have more to that, Ken, than I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Mine is much, much more existential than it is. Okay. I think we all got a—everybody got a real-life case study on a universal basic income.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Y'all stay at home. We're just going to send you a check. They did that, and we all went mad because that's not how we're designed. That's like saying, hey, y'all quit going to the gym. We're just going to give you muscles. And then you realize going to the gym was the whole point. That's right. And so, yes, the occasion that you need to lift something heavy, fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
There may come a day in your life when a car falls on a woman in a grocery store parking lot and you lift it up because you've been working out every day. That probably will never happen. Getting up and going to the gym every day makes you up. I mean, there's neuroscience to that. It makes you able to do hard stuff throughout your life. So I think we got a ringside seat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So for me, yes, every couple of centuries, there's technology that comes along and uproots everything, right? 150 years ago, we were all farmers and then all of a sudden we're not, right? The pace of how fast this is happening, I don't think people understand how big the wave is coming. So it's fast, it's coming fast. But bigger than that is we've seen what happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And if every one of our things that makes us us, which is cleaning up, saying thank you, getting underneath the car and trying to fix it, like the stuff that makes us human, if all that goes away and we are left to just be, the times in history when that's happened, it ends very poorly. And this is like something we've never seen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so for me, it's more about we've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence. I think it's valid. My wife vastly disagrees with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Well, I think it's how many of those will be left. So we go back to 150 years ago. We all farmed. And I'm making that number up. I don't know how—100 years ago, 200 years ago, we were all farming. And then tractors showed up. And because of that tech, they didn't need us to do that. So right now, what is it, 3% of the US farms? Some minuscule number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Now, after 150 years, we all work with our minds. That's what we do. We get paid for our opinions, our thoughts, coming up with a business plan, coaching people, diagnosing people. That's what we get paid to do. And if we've just come up with a new tractor, that can answer any question you have faster than any of us, more accurately.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Already the AI in my field can diagnose a mental health disorder, psychiatric disorder, can do mental, I mean, can do physical diagnostics better. They can scan you. There's retinal scan. I mean, it's coming so fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Can you put a hand on somebody and say, I see you? Yeah. That's it. So will there be a moment when 3% or 5% of us are paid to think of their minds. And what's the next iteration? And my wife thinks, I think she's right, is human care, right? Who's going to sit with the aging population that we're about to get hit with, right? As this generation ages up, who's going to be with that group?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so there's that sense of, but can I, here's, let's put a bow on this whole thing. As a young, insecure kid, the way I dealt with my insecurity, all like growing up is, homeostasis. I'm going to control every variable in my life. I'm going to keep everything the same. And so what I've learned about myself is change makes me, like my wife craves change. She loves it. It's a gift. It's a season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's the springtime, then the flowers start blooming. For me, it's We got to get all the summer clothes out, man. We got to put all these jackets away. I love these jackets. How hot's it going to be this year? And so I know the angst, the existential angst is inside of me. And so that's the only thing I can control here. And so for me now, it's fun to pontificate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I don't know if it's true or not, but when the deep seek thing dropped the other day, I heard Meadow was caught totally off guard and that actually freed me. Like, oh, if the guys in the space didn't know this was coming, what am I gonna do sitting here on my little acreage outside of town? Like, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I think nowadays that's flipped too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so any worry or existential angst I put on it right now is a choice to be miserable in the present. That's a stupid thing to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I think you recognizing that. Or calling that out is, I think, the most important thing. And working back, like, it blows up everything. Everything. And divorce has become so common. I can't tell you how many calls I take on weekends and at nighttime. Somehow somebody got my cell number and they call and we talk. I'm three months into divorce proceedings. I had no idea it would hurt this bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Presidents, rock stars, athletes. He's just the best of the best of the best. And I got to be one of the first guests on his brand new show. He asked me questions I have never been asked before. And he's... I don't mean this in the proctology kind of way, but he's a prober. He's good at asking the question behind the question behind the question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I didn't know idea that my kids won't look at me. I didn't know idea that I have to make this choice now. And I could see my daughter three days a week. And so it happens so much that we think it's just routine. And I think understanding how tragic, how devastating divorce is. And you're going to get a bunch of comments on this. They're like, it was the best thing that happened in my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
When people ask, like, should we stay together for the kids even though—like, no, fix your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Fix your—like, go back and have that conversation. I just don't—you can't—like, fix that.
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Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Right? As though it's some foregone conclusion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then the other side of it is you'll blow up your career.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You will be the man or woman who—I can't trust you if I can't trust you with that. If he can't trust you, how can I trust you? Right? And I think— we don't think through those things. And so recognizing how devastating it is, then maybe the right boundary for you is, dude, I don't even go in the same room. Like, because that's what happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Let's dig into this. When it comes to the leader, if you can't treat your people with dignity and respect and you can't tell them the truth, please, for God's sakes, quit because you're ruining their kids' lives. You're ruining their teachers of their kids' lives because teachers have to deal with that kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You're ruining the police officers' lives who have to put on a bulletproof vest and pray to God they don't get shot when they show up at that house at night because nobody slept. Yeah. Quit your job. Stop. Because you're a massive domino. You are crushing communities with how you treat people, period. And so I think – so there's that on that side. Quit your job. Stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If you ever think I have to yell at an employee, quit. Get out of the system because you're hurting people. Stop. Right? That's not – don't have high expectations. Don't have high demands. Don't like –
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
require hard work right that's of course you do all that stuff right but make sure you create an environment so the seeds can grow if you plant a bunch of seeds and you stomp them out every day and then you blame them for not growing that's just it's it's insane stop here's the other side and this is the other hot take i think that information is more telling
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
about the state of the US worker than it is about leader. And here's why. We have pulled the strings, and we've done this in the last 50 years. And so on a timeline, it's a blink of an eye, right? It's this fast. We pulled the thread on faith. Nobody goes to church. We pulled the thread on, like we all mostly believed when we went to the doctor, they were trying to help us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We talked about everything from why people aren't having kids to workplace affairs to why I'm really freaking out about AI, why my wife isn't. And we talked about so much. As you can imagine, things got off the rails in a good way. There's audience participation, just kind of a rad show. I've never really been a part of anything like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We don't believe that anymore. We mostly believed politicians lie and they're crazy, but that they want what's best for, we don't believe that anymore. We thought when I sent my kid to school that they would come home and not get killed at school and that the teachers weren't teaching them banant. We don't believe that anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so overnight, we've pulled the thread on everything that holds, the tapestry that holds societies together. And the only place we get together with a shared common mission anymore is a workplace. And now the workplace has to tell us how to treat people who don't look like us with dignity and respect. That's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That should be taught to you by your parents and your grandparents and your church. We don't do that. The workplace has to have meetings about how to be sexually appropriate because our parents and our families and our churches didn't have those conversations. The workplace holds everything, but most important, the workplace holds, we've outsourced our worth
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like you hear me say this on my show, probably every show, you're worth being well. Like you have to believe that you're worth that because we outsource it to work. And then when you outsource that to work, and by the way, you're indebted up to your eyeballs on a car payment, a house payment, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm so desperate for A, your approval, and B, I've outsourced my well-being for my... That's right. I've outsourced my roof and my food to you. Please, please, please. That's right. And so I've given you permission to drag me around now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Some of my greatest friends are bad leaders. I wouldn't work with them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I ended up talking about things I've never talked about on any other podcast. I don't even think on this show. So anyway, I didn't want y'all to miss it. So I asked, hey, can I just drop this in there? And he and his team said, rock on, dude. So do me a favor, give it a listen and go check out Front Row Seat. It's a brand new show on YouTube, wherever you get podcasts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You and I, like, we co-host another show, and we teach people how to, like, get out of debt, right? That sounds cool, and it sounds funny, and Dave Ramsey's, you know, is like, it can be a meme, and it can be a whole thing, right? We know that. But there's something beneath that, that when another grown man tells me, you will do with us, and I go... I'm not. Right. Oh, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Because I'm not outsourcing my dignity to you. And because I drove a Corolla for 14 years and my wife and I lived – like our mortgage person made fun of us back in Texas. She was a close friend of ours. She's like, hey, you qualify for this. Will you stop being embarrassing? And I said, no, no, no. We're going to buy that house. Because of that, now I can walk through my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And for me, it's easier. to do the serenity prayer when I know I can just walk right out the door. And it's not easy, and it's not an overnight fix. For me and my wife, it was 15 years. It sucked. It was not great. But man, you know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And she'll know that about you. That's why statistically speaking, it's very unlikely that it continues. But again, it's part of this psychological construct you're trying to build. Like your plane is going down and you're trying to like figure out the right way to pull the cushions off of the airplane seats so you'll land comfortably. It's not going to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So what I'll tell you is at the end of this thing, there's a fire. You can do a control burn right now and try. Or you can just wait till the whole thing goes up in smoke, but it's going to catch fire. It's already on fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I need you to internalize in your guts. Your house has already burned to the ground. Hers too. They're gone. They're over. The marriage you had is over. The marriage she had is over. The little play time y'all have together is over. Y'all have to decide what we're going to build next. But bro, you've got to come back and re-anchor the ground, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You've blown your life up and you've blown her life up. And she's blown her life up. I mean, I don't know a way that you're going to sleep all night. I don't know a way that you're going to have peace at all. Until you sit down and have a conversation with your wife. Until you let her know you got 24 hours and I got to come clean with my buddy. Because I'm not going to be this guy anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And there's a high statistical probability that when the smoke clears, you've got nobody. You've got no friend. You've got no girlfriend. You've got no wife. That's a high, high probability. And then you'll have to choose to do the next right thing amid that ash. But man, stop with the verbal gymnastics. Stop with the, are these feelings real? Start with, I've cheated on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
and it blew our life up. I've been doing it for almost a year now. Through the holidays, through your birthdays, I was seeing somebody else. I was sleeping with our friend. Let's start there. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Helix mattresses. Listen, it's February, the coldest and the shortest month of the year, although it can seem like it's a decade long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
In the past, I found myself laying around February more than normal, not doing much, which then makes sleep hard to come by. And then I get in some vicious cycle and where I stay up and I don't sleep and I don't do anything. And I'll tell you this. This go-round, my Helix mattress, has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Now, on most days, I'm able to get right up even when it's cold and dark, and then I do all the other stuff that I need to do to be my best. I love Helix mattresses, and it's why me and my entire family sleeps on a Helix. We don't all have the same mattresses because we don't all have the same bodies, and Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, or stomach, or whatever. And Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. So get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, and it will help you find the perfect mattress for you in under two minutes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And the Helix President's Day sale is going on right now. You get 27% off site-wide plus two dream pillows, a sheet set, and mattress protector for free with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you will find anywhere. So go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. I've got some stats that will shock you. Look, we all know that we live on the internets these days. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of the things that we have on the internets now. It's where we exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Listen, Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Chances are high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. I looked at the reports my friends at DeleteMe have sent me. They have reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my stuff, and they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of piece too. We can't really avoid the internet as much as I want to, but we can make our personal data personal again with delete me. Individual delete me plans start as low as $9 a month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today to get 20% off. That's J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to Ashley. Hey, Ashley, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Well, I appreciate you being with us, man. That means the world to me. Thank you. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're not calling me to ask, like, oh, God, I've blown up my life and my wife's life. That's not why you're calling. You're calling to ask, is this true love or not? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you... Have a lot of joy in your life today. It may not be the best day of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, man. I guess my initial question is, like, where's your husband in all this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I'll say it for you. He's a complete and total coward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So if you could, if you, if you could wave a magic wand, what behaviors would you want your in-laws to stop doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You don't have to justify it. One-year-olds need naps. It's perfect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So did you, had you slipped out of the room quietly? Like you kind of nodded at your husband, like I'm gonna go put him down. Or did you make an announcement to everybody? Nap time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Why wouldn't you and or your husband, especially your husband, um, Say, no, y'all are not homeschooling the kid. Thank you for the offer, but now we're going to send him to regular school. And just let that be a period at the end of that sentence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Again, when my parents are making statements about what they are, quote unquote, going to do or not do, it's my job as their kid. I believe, and I've got some colleagues who disagree with me. That's fine. But I need to tell my mom and my dad, Hey, yeah, we're not doing that with, with, with, with a definitive answer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And if I, if I'm like, if I tell my wife, like, Hey, you need to tell my mom that that's because I'm a coward. If I do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You should, because it's his parents. He needs to do it. You're married to a coward. Why won't he stand up to his parents?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay, so here's the thing. You somehow have in your soul kind of a people pleaser? Like you want to make sure everybody else is okay? For sure. And at the same time, you've got some pretty clear pictures of what you want your life to be like and what you want for your kid and what you want for you and for your marriage, et cetera.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I want you to practice writing those things down and saying them out loud, okay? Not like, it's time for some quiet time. It is. All right, I'm going to go put him down or her down for a nap. Everybody wave goodbye. We will see you all again in an hour and a half. Yeah. Because then it's like, well, I'm going to do some quiet time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
That kind of leaves it open to, well, I mean, I'll hold him if you're tired of holding him. But like, I'm going to go take a nap. Or, well, we're going to be homeschooling. We're doing the homeschooling for this. No, Dad, we're sending them to this elementary school. We've already decided that. Well, I don't think that's a good idea. Great. I appreciate that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But you don't get a vote because it's my kid. So we're going to send them over there. And that's your husband's conversation to have. And comically, what I would say is like a nonchalant way. Like, I don't even know if he needs to write unless your in-laws take it to the next level. No grandkid of mine is going to a school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
All right, well, then we're going to have a serious conversation about whose kid this actually is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Well, then he's not a coward. Stop me there then. I'm talking all bad. He's not a coward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. But also they have something else. They also have something else. This is an important distinction. In many ways, you've put them in a parental role several days a week. And if there's not caretaker boundaries, so for instance, let's pretend they were out of the picture. And your not coward husband goes to save the city he's in, right? Like he does every day. And you go off to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
If you had hired a teenager to take care of your kid, you would have printed out on a Word document Nap schedule, food schedule, feeding schedule, no screens, playing, here's how you text me, et cetera. But when it comes to in-laws or aunts or uncles, it's very easy just to drop the kid off. For sure. And then they raise that kid like they would raise a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And then really quickly over time, it becomes our kid. And we're all raising one big happy family raising this kid. And so really the thing here is you need to be pretty direct. Your husband needs to be pretty direct. Well, y'all need to get aligned, first of all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And he might say, actually, I think it'd be awesome if my parents homeschooled him. Well, then that's a conversation y'all need to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Right? And then I think y'all need to come back and circle back and say, here is our caretaker expectations. This is going to be different. We're getting them on a new schedule. And then – because, again, you guys also want the best of both worlds. You want them to do it exactly as you want to do it, but you want free childcare a couple days a week too. For sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And so sometimes these boundaries cost you financially when your in-laws say, well, screw you then. No young kids are going to lecture us on how to raise a baby, right? And that happens. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I guess I just like socially, like if, if a young child is surrounded by, uh, sturdy, regulated, caring adults, their socialization is going to be fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Right? They're going to be fine. That's often a proxy for, I don't want to deal with this situation, so I just want to run other kids. Because if you want to run other kids, you can set up playdates. You can have kids over all the time. You can have kids over on Saturdays. I mean, you can make that happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, man. So let me just walk it back and you can just tell me up or down. So you are sleeping with a great friend's wife. Correct. Does your friend know? He does not. Does your wife know? She does not. And so you're not calling me to ask like, oh God, I've blown up my life and my wife's life. And I've blown up one of my close buddy's lives. It's not why you're calling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I think that you're trying to avoid the harder conversations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I guess for me... That's a skill I want you to have because you walk around on eggshells in your own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I just think you deserve more than that. And your husband sounds like he's a gangster, man. He shows up for the least of these in our communities day in and day out. I don't want him walking around on eggshells in his own house either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So I think often the conversation about protect and provide, he's an amazing protector and an amazing provider. And I think you need to have the conversation, the next level that says, hey, right now providing for us is less economic. It is family boundaries. Protection for us right now is less about can you fight and can you handle a gun and can you put out a fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Protection is more I want what we want for our kid voiced to everybody, whether it's a teacher, whether it's a caretaker, whether it's our in-laws. I want that universal. That's what protection looks like right now, protecting our son's heart and mind. Absolutely. And when you frame it that way, often it sinks in a little bit differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Because here's what I think. I think at the end of the day, I think your frustration is with him, not with your in-laws.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And if your frustration is with him, I think he has a right to know that you're this frustrated with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. And can I tell you something else? Y'all aren't crazy. You're not crazy. He's not crazy. This isn't like a unique thing. It happens to everybody. It just sucks. Like you're not broken. Your family's not falling apart. Nothing like that. This is just the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And here's what makes it even extra worse is probably your in-laws are pretty great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
They're just doing the best they can with what they got. Cause they don't have that printed off piece of paper in front of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Well, and the healthy boundary, I think for you is, I think you needed to define that for yourself. And here's what's annoying. It won't feel a certain way. Do you get what I'm saying? Like you think there's going to come a moment when it feels so good or feels so, it's just the feelings is going to morph and move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
because your kid's going to turn four and you're going to want to put him down for a nap and then it'll be like they don't need a nap he's four let's go out with and then it's or your husband's gonna have a picture of what it looks like on Saturday and you're gonna have a different picture of what it looks like so like it's just a common thing happens all the time y'all aren't broken but I think it's being honest about hey husband we've worked so hard on us talking to each other this is the next layer absolutely
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I feel like it's your responsibility to help lead the charge with your parents and vice versa. And so y'all get it out on the table because he might say, I love the idea of my parents being the, you know, my parents homeschooling. I love it. I love that idea. And you might be like, no way, Jose. That's the conversation to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Then the boundary part just becomes y'all just saying, we're going to bite the bullet and we're going to say our boundaries out loud. And we're going to hope that everybody respects them. And we're going to deal with it when they don't, but. Thank you so much for the call. You're not broken. You're not failing. Your marriage is probably amazing. Things are good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
This is just a common thing that comes up in a high majority of first-time parents, second-time parents, whatever. And it's just deciding what do we want for our kid and how do we develop the courage to communicate that to everybody. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay, let's talk about Organifi. Listen up. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And for most people, that journey can be tough, filled with ups and downs. And that's why I love Organifi. They make it super easy to make healthier choices about what you eat and drink. And right now, they're making it even easier with the Organifi Starter Kit. For those of you still on the fence, it's a great way to sample Organifi for not much money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
With code DELONI, they'll give all of this to you for 40 bucks right now, including shipping. Here's what they're going to send you. Organifi's greatest hits. Seven days of green juice travel packs to boost your energy and calm your mind. Seven days of red juice travel packs full of antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're calling to ask, is this true love or not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And 30 days of essential magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles. If you get in on this starter pack right now, they'll also send you a branded Organifi shaker bottle because why not? Make Organifi's whole food blends and top quality ingredients part of your health and wellness journey just like I have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off all of their products with code Deloney. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. Let's go out to San Diego, California and talk to Crystal. Hey, Crystal, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, man. There's a lot of tentacles to that question. Be more specific. Something happened for you to call. Why would you call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Those are external. Those are external things. Those are external things. Those are certificates on the wall. Do you respect the man he is?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Does he make you feel safe when he walks into a room?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
When he sees you, do you feel loved?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. So when you say, how can I best love you? What does he say? What are some actions that he has put on the table before when he said, I don't feel heard or respected? And then he says, this is how I would feel heard. This is how I would feel respected. What are some of the things he's put on the table?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So why don't you feel safe enough? Going back to my original question, you said when he walks in a room, your body feels safe. Why can't you just say what you need or what you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Do you have an example of a time you've told him just directly in the truth and in a loving, compassionate way, and he has exploded on you or run from you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I was going to ask, where else do you hide from him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You know. Like, what are things going on in your mind that he doesn't know about? Um...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
What is that? Let me ask it another way. Why is your body, through feelings, through anxiousness, through biting your tongue, through talking in circles, those are all ways your body's trying to keep you safe. Why has your body decided that you being seen and heard Is not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Because here's what I think is happening. I think he is probably pretty direct. Probably like, hey, just tell me what you need so I can love you. And you make these big laps around the building. And he's like, what? And then it feels frustrating. And then it feels deceptive. And then he goes to bed every night feeling like he doesn't really know you. And you feel that gap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And every time you try to bridge that gap, your body electrocutes you and is like, no, no, no, no, no, don't get that close. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So when you get in one of those situations where you're going zero to 100, do you explode on him or do you build a quick concrete fortress and hide?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. And so at some point, does he find himself inadvertently banging on the door to try to get in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
That's not respect. That's not respect. Y'all try to be polite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And y'all try to be polite so that if something goes wrong, both of y'all can say, I didn't do fill in the blank. I didn't yell. I didn't hit anybody. I didn't punch a hole through the concrete. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't. And so it's two teams playing football and both of y'all are sitting your defense out and nobody will hike the ball.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And then one, one of you just gets so mad, like let's play ball. And then there's like, well, you know, and then like I get, and then, and then it's like, I just, I want to go, I want to go be with somebody that will play offense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I want to go be able to play offense sometimes. So circling all the way back, take him off the table. I want to talk to you. Who told you the safest thing for you to do is just to be quiet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So have you heard me say on the show, the things that kept you safe as a kid will destroy your adult relationships?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. So here's, it's really a binary choice. You continue running on the same roads that were built out of safety and necessity as a kid. And you can run on those roads and you will not die. You'll stay alive. And you'll be alone. And you might be alone sharing a bed with somebody that says, I do, and that I love you. But that gap will always exist. Or...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You have to choose to do something that feels initially unsafe and unnatural with somebody that you know to be safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And that means you have to go into a season of practicing discomfort.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Does that make sense? Because here's what I... the walls you built will affect your finances. It will affect you professionally. It will affect your sex life. It will keep every, you'll never be able to fully let go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I need you to not let those walls down. I want you to try courageously to bash through them. Because letting the walls down is still a passive stance. It mimics bravery. I guess that's not fair. It is initially brave, that first step. But I just want you to think of it like you come home and you see this man. Do you love this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
The moment we met. Is he a good guy? Oh, that moment we met. That's like Dawson's Creek. But you've grown to love this person, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. And he does the things. He shows up. Always. Okay. So you've got this person that you see, that you love, that you've probably thought about making plans with down the road, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you'd be crazy if you haven't had that imaginary picture pop into your head of a fireplace and a Thanksgiving table and your four boys home from Christmas and their girlfriends that you hate but kind of love, right? Yes. And if you have a picture of an older, wrinklier, grayer version of this guy at the end of that tape, right? So you have been there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So So I guess the best thing I could tell you or the right thing I could tell you is you are so... It's like you're watching The Lion King. You're watching like a Disney movie in the theater. And you're watching these animals all talking to each other. And you're wondering what it would be like to talk to one of those animals too. Okay. You're...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you come home and he sees you and everything in his world lights up. But there's a sheet of plexiglass in between you. And he just can't touch you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And the same with your customers. I don't know what you do for a living, but the same with your bosses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And if we were in a different call, I would ask you about your sex life and I can almost guarantee it. I can pinpoint where you struggle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Here's the thing. You have to make a choice that I'm going to be seen and I'm going to be known. But it's not something you can lob on him. That's a decision you have to make. And you're going to have to practice a thing where you put your hand on your chest or put your fist in your chest. And you have to look in the mirror 10 times a day for 30 days. You want a homework assignment?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
For 30 days from today, I want you to go look in the mirror and put your fist in your chest and look yourself dead in the eyes and say, I love this girl. And I want you to pause. I want you to drop your shoulders. And I want you to say it again. I love this girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I want you to say it. Well, hold on. I'm not done. I want you to say it 10 times. And then I want you to say, she deserves to be heard. And then you got to go get weird. And you're going to have to tell, here's what I'm going to send you. I'm going to send you. And it's going to sound pedantic. It's going to sound silly, okay, what I'm going to send you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But I'm going to mail you all of the questions for humans cards for free for couples and the intimacy deck, okay? But here's what I want you to do. They're not complicated, okay? But you have to commit to telling the truth. And so like the intimacy deck, when it says, what's one thing you really used to be into in the bedroom and you're not anymore? You have to actually answer that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
What's our favorite memory of us kissing before? What's your least favorite memory of us? Cause like, you gotta be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you need to have a series where you meet once a week with him and you say, all right, here's three things that scared me this week. And here's three things that I thought were incredible about this week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You've got to practice being seen and known. And then y'all just need to come up with some sort of signal. Like I'm flooded. I'm too much. I'm going to back up. And he's going to say, okay, cool. Because all you're doing is practicing. You're practicing a thing that got you electrocuted as a kid by the one man who you should have been able to anchor into for your entire life, your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And he weaponized your feelings, your emotions. He weaponized your personhood and said, your personhood is mine. And when I want to see it, I'll let you know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Instead of celebrating the crazy bananas, wild little San Diego girl you were growing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. Are you, for the first time in a quarter century, are you willing to practice being seen and heard? Because here's the other side of being seen and heard. He might look at you and say, I don't want to propose. And that will not make what you did wrong. That won't make you wrong. that will mean you've been giving a pretty remarkable theater performance to be his girlfriend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And hopefully, my fingers crossed, because I'm a romantic, just kind of an oogie-googie romantic, I hope that he sees you and gets to know you. Like, I don't like that. Or, I love that. And by the way, I've been married for, gosh, 22 and a half years now. I found out my wife said something the other day and I looked at her and I started laughing. I was like, I don't know you. You what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I had no idea. But can I tell you, that's my freaking favorite part. I found out something the other night about one of her old boyfriends and her. I did not know. I didn't know. But here's the thing. It made me die laughing. Started dying laughing because here's why. She's not going anywhere. And I'm not either. You get what I'm saying? 100%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And so when you grow up in homes of divorce, I just saw this recently. I love it. When you grow up in a home of divorce, you realize, oh, somebody could leave. That's a thing. You can just leave. And so what you do is you try really hard not to let the other person leave. And that almost guarantees at some point they don't know you and leaving is still on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Your questions are so divorced from the reality with which you actually find yourself that it tells me that you've had to construct a world where this is okay and there's a world that everything's going to be okay on the other end of this because if you didn't have that kind of psychological moat around what you're actually doing, you would implode because you become somebody that you could never have imagined you would be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
The other side of that, the other side of it is I'm going to be fully seen and known. And we're going to become braided together like a, like one of those ocean ropes that nobody can pull apart. Right. It's awesome. So let's call this what it is. It's day one. Some of this may be hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So it may be that y'all start a journal together that you put on his pillow at night that he writes in, then he puts it on your pillow the next morning or whatever. And some of these things are easier done via letter. Some of these things are hard just to sit down and just say it in front of somebody like, here's what I think about this. And I don't like this. And I want to get to know you here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But some of it is we're just going to stop going to fancy restaurants and pretending like everything's okay. We're going to go to crummy restaurants and just chit chat. And you can chit chat nice restaurants, but it's just a vibe. I want to get to know you. Here's one thing that I asked my wife to do last year. Make me a syllabus of you. What are the 10 podcasts you listen to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I don't know what you listen to anymore. What are 10 bands you like? I know what you used to like. I don't know what you even listen to anymore. What are 10 books you want me to read? That you read, not that you want me to, that you read, that you love? Because I want to get to know you. I might read those books. Some of those books I've gotten into, did not like them. A couple of them I've loved.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
podcast one podcast I was listening to and I was like I know her like you want to meet her like I was a friend of mine she didn't even know we were connected so all I have to say is it's good to know each other here's books I like here's movies I like here's music I love I'd love to learn to dance I'd love to learn to sing I'd love to just learn to let go and this happens inside your chest I'm proud of you Crystal day one
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You love that girl. She's worth being hurt. We'll be right back. Let's talk about train. Well, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter and exerciser like me, and you're just ready to shake things up, you've got to check out train. Well, I use it, my wife uses it, my coworkers and their spouses are using it. TrainWell is amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on the app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis and the results have been extraordinary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. They've extended their special offer for my audience, just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're sleeping with one of your closest friend's wives, period. You're actively for over a year having sex with somebody that's not your wife, putting her at physical danger, putting her at grave emotional danger. I mean, like, and what you're thinking about is, man, isn't this going to be wonderful on the other side of this thing? It's kind of like watching...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, yeah. Dude, that's awesome. So, hey, here's what I love. We grieved it. The thing that was is no more just because of time and circumstance. But I'm not going to give up on it. I'm going to create a new thing, and it's going to look different, and it's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I think it's important to push through teenagers, I don't want to or I don't feel like it. Those are just soft, squishy boundaries that they want to see when you punch right through that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And it feels good in their nervous system, right? And all kids love hearing... I told my son some like I will go back to one of the greatest things I've ever did was driving from Nashville to Texas just because I flying now is kind of chaotic for me. And I lost my pre-check because I'm an idiot. And so like the thought of doing that during Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So my son and I just drove to Texas 12 hours one way, drove all across the state, visiting family and friends. Then we drove 12 hours back. He asked me questions about childhood and stories, and I told him stories that he could not believe. But we got to know each other, and vice versa. I got to hear his thoughts. But it was just amazing. Never would have got there. Never would have got there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So good call. Way to go. I don't know. That just cheers me up. Those little questions for humans cards, man. All over the country, people are changing their lives. Thread. Thanks for being with us. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You may not be super happy, but I hope that you're where you need to be doing the things you need to be doing to help create the life that you want to be living. Man, on this show, I sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move in these crazy lives we're trying to live in these crazy times.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
It's like you're in Los Angeles right now watching your house burn down and wondering where you're going to put the new kitchen during the rebuild. Right. Like you're not absorbing reality. And so, number one, no place in this conversation are we talking about are these feelings real or not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Not until we've looked your wife in the eye and said, I've blown our marriage up and I don't want to be with you anymore. Not until you've looked your buddy in the eye and said, I've been sleeping with your wife for a year and I'm sorry. And after the ash settles back to earth, after that conversation, those conversations, then you can ask yourself, okay, are we in a relationship?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Are we going to try to build this thing and move forward together? Which the percentages on that, just scientifically, the percentages of those relationships being successful are very, very, very low. Right. Because then the old bumper sticker, like, it's true. Somewhere, somebody else is tired of her too. And you also, right? Like y'all just living in a fantasy world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
We don't have to deal with reality. You just get to have these romantic, oh my gosh, conversations. And you get me in passion and we get to have sex. And there's nothing anchored to it in reality, like dishes and bills. And hey, we're trying to build a life together. And I want to do this, but I want to do this. Y'all are skipping all of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So until you anchor back into Earth, any conversations you'll have are just fantasy. They're just Disney movies. They're not real. Why haven't you sat down and had that conversation with your wife yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Yeah, but you took struggle every marriage has. I've had nightmarish struggles. You went the next step.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Like, you're the failure. You get what I'm saying? Right. And I'm sure she's got her own challenges. I'm not saying she's perfect, but... Right. Like, you're actively sleeping with your buddy's wife, and you're like, well, if this thing doesn't work right, it's like you're the one that's not working right in it. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I know when this show will come out, hopefully things will dramatically have improved. But man, we are a week into just the caustic, caustic wildfires going on with our friends and family in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas. And so just know that... if you're listening to the show right now, it's wish it was shot a month earlier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I'm frustrated with you. I'm angry with you. But I'm also compassionate because I think you have created a delusion that you live in. I wouldn't disagree with that. You use these huge circular, well, you know, and then we might. Listen to me so carefully. You're having sex with another man's wife and you're going home and you're laying in your bed next to yours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're having sex with your buddy's wife. And then y'all go have dinner together as a foursome. That is where everything has to start. You can't be sleeping with somebody else's wife and trying to see if your marriage is going to make it. That's madness, Will. Madness. Madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you can't be hanging out with your buddy while you're banging his wife and be like, well, I'm trying to figure out if our feelings are right or wrong. What are you doing, man? You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So like today, today needs to be the day. Today needs to be the day that you tell your wife, we got to talk. I've been having an eight month affair with our mutual friends. And I've blown our marriage to smithereens. Yes, we had problems. Yes, there were holes in the boat and I detonated it. And you being a grown man need to say, I've already got me an apartment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I've already got me a friend's couch to crash on because I know I've blown your world up and I don't want you to have to move to. And maybe she comes back and says, well, I should probably tell you I've been sleeping with somebody else too. Maybe. Right? Maybe. Who knows? Is she having an affair too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. Obviously, I don't know. And then you ask your friend, I'm going to meet you in a diner here in Nashville. We got to talk. Or you tell the woman you're having an affair with, hey, you got 24 hours because I got to come clean with my buddy. I've become somebody that I never dreamed I would be. And I have to stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And, um, but we are actively thinking about and praying about and involved in supporting our friends and loved ones. So everybody listening from out there, thank y'all for joining us. And, um, Please don't be shy about asking for the help and care that you need. And give your neighbors and friends a chance to step up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
There's not a way to land the plane. There is no going back. But your fantasy about how this plane lands is false, too. Both are true. So there's no going back. You blew it up. The boat's gone. You and your wife might choose to swim to shore amid all the rubble and rebuild a new boat. That happens all the time. And I'll walk with you if that's what y'all want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You and this other person have a sliver, teeny tiny sliver of statistical probability that... You've blown up your life. She's blown up hers. And y'all choose to build a boat together on whatever shore y'all swim to. Maybe. But you'll always wonder if she's sleeping with somebody else like she did with you. And vice versa. It's very shaky ground to build a new thing. But it happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But there is no like... then you have a hard conversation with your wife and she's like, well, I don't really want to work on this. And you're like, that's cool. I already have a four bedroom, three bath house with somebody else. And her, your buddy, her husband is like, ah, well, it didn't work out this time. That's just not how this ends, man. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And so the quicker you can re anchor to reality and from a place from the inside out, because dude, you have, you have created a verbal connection.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
gymnastic studio that you just swirl around and ride the monkey bars in but your feet never touch the ground you've got to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say dude I blew my life up like do you feel that I think like I hear no I hear no remorse no like yeah yeah well
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
What you're trying to do is to convince yourself that if this is actually love or this is actually viable, these feelings and the excitement of sleeping with somebody that's not your wife, which, dude, I don't begrudge you that one bit. You probably feel alive every time you sneak away, every time you almost get caught and you don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Let's go right down the street here in Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Will. What's up, Will? How we doing, man? Hey, John. How's it going? I'm doing all right, brother. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
It won't surprise me at all if you felt dead in your own skin for the last five, six, seven years, however long you've been with her. I get that. But you're trying to convince yourself that these feelings are somehow valid in the grand scheme of the cosmos and that it will justify destroying your wife's life and destroying the life of your buddy. And so two things, love is not a feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
It's a choice you make every single day. It's a decision. And a marriage is a choice that two people make every single day of their life, man. And so whatever happens with this other person, you have to choose that every single day. Right. Except that choice is going to be anchored into styrofoam because you know, oh, she's capable of blowing this whole thing up at any time. And I am too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If this was a, if your wife had terminal cancer, there's the heartbreak, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be a single dad, there's all that. But then there's the, how much does a burial cost? How are we gonna get invitations? Like all the nuts and bolts, the business parts. Write those questions down. How do I get somebody off of a mortgage? Do I have to split up my 401?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I want you to write yourself a letter to 55-year-old Dave. Okay. I don't want you to apologize to him because you thought your life was going to look different. I want you to tell him I'm sorry. I don't want you to tell him the things that you committed to doing the day you found out your life was no longer what it once was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And what you're doing is you're putting kind of like a budget on your spending. You're putting boundaries on your grief. I'm about to go into the pit of hell, but I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go in the pit of despair, and I'm not going to just live on internet porn. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm sorry. Thank you. Will you call me anytime? I will. Thank you. All right, brother. Blessings to you, man. All right. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, I was born and raised in Texas, and I love the myth of the lone cowboy, the guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves problems all by him or herself. It's a fun story, and it's a lie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
In a society that's obsessed with your diet, your workout, your mental health, your job, and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone. Whether you're introverted, extroverted, or whatever internet-based relationship style you want to give yourself, we all have to have a community and a support system to do life with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Good folks, it's time to shift the focus from doing it all by ourself to knowing that we can only be well and whole when we ask for help. Therapy can be a great source of support for any area of your life. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it can fit in your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start to build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish this wasn't the case. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives exist on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email address to random companies who then turn around and sell those email addresses to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I looked at the reports my friends at Delete.me have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Is this a grenade pin that she pulled out of nowhere? Or have y'all been struggling? Has she been struggling personally? What's the challenge?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
All right, let's go out to Sasquatchian. Is that how you say that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Sasquatchland. sure go with that Sasquatch Obi-Wan Kenobi Canada and talk to Ryan what's up Ryan hey Dr. John what's up brother not much I've I've heard worse pronunciations of that I would break your heart to tell you I taught geography for a few years for high school kids I was what was wrong with the Texas education system, but such it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I don't know how to pronounce. Okay, that's all good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What's... I was going to ask you, is she an adult film star, but that would probably be inappropriate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay, tell me what she does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So she's dedicated her life to caring about everyone but you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That's what ministries and nonprofits will do to you. They'll take every spare ounce of time and energy and hope and blood and guts you have. That's exactly right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What does she get from, she's probably working 90 hours a week, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I don't care about that. I don't care about any of that. No, I don't care about that. What, what, what, what is, what is this workload and this external caring brings her something?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What is it about this life that you are resenting and you're bitter about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm sorry. Me too. What I'm going to say next is not popular, and it's just real as I can possibly be. Is that okay? What in the world is going on in your life today? In your head, in your chest, in your relationships. I'm John Deloney, and I'm the host of The Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'm so grateful that you are with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Why haven't you sat down and told your wife across the table, I miss you and I'm doing life by myself and I don't like the life that I'm creating by myself?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Have you talked about that or have you talked about issues?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Those are distractions. I miss my wife. I agreed to build something together with you, not to be a personal assistant. Well, you ran off and saved other people's lives. Or we both went all in, all hands on deck when this job was eight to five. Now the job's changed. Now we have to reimagine our marriage because a huge part of our life has shifted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And let's just be honest about that shift and call it is what it is. And let's make decisions from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So you're lying to your wife to protect her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Because here's what she feels. She knows you've got secrets. She doesn't know what they are. And the way she protects herself from the growing gap in your house. It's a dance, right? She creates this gap by working 85 hours a week. She gets tons of high fives and people looking at her with tear-filled eyes. You saved the day. You saved my marriage. You saved my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
She's just tired with her lot in life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You fed our families, whatever her nonprofits are. And you have ministry is just like a vampire, dude. People want everything from everybody all the time. But there's immediate feedback. And there's always a problem to solve. And home can feel boring. Home can feel purposeless. And when she does come home, she's got a husband that's keeping a big secret.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And in a weird way, you're as out on the marriage as she is. Does that make sense? She's out physically, but you're out emotionally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So you can – here's the thing. You can choose to tell the truth and you can choose to do it in a way that you're not a jerk and you're not an immature idiot. All that can be the same. And if you go into the conversation, I say this all the time, if you use I statements, not you statements. So what does that mean? If you all sit down and you say, hey, we have to have a or what meeting. What?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What are you talking about? Oh, Ryan, this again. Hey, our marriage is almost over. What? We need to talk now. This weekend, eight o'clock in the morning on Saturday. I've got childcare already set up. We're having this conversation. We have to. And if you sit down and you say, you've been working so much, you always leave me out, then she's going to go to war with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Well, let me say this. You're the punching bag here, okay? And... you're going to be responsible for the bomb blast, right? You've got four kids whose lives are about to get blown up, right? I know. But also, you know as well as I do, intellectually, it doesn't matter because the pain is in your chest, but you know this isn't all on you. Right? Yeah. You know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
She has to, to preserve herself. But if you sit down and say, I've been keeping secrets from you. I miss you. You've built a life without me, without our daughter. We all miss you. This house misses you. Here's how I feel. However, I don't even know if it's true, but here's how I feel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
that you choose the church over your family, you choose a nonprofit over your family, you choose the, and at least you're putting it on the table. But you're saying it in a way that's an invitation, not an accusation. And if she won't talk to you, then y'all got to deal with that because your marriage is in real bad shape.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If she goes bananas and says, I hate you and I can't believe you're doing this to me, you know this is important to me and you're stealing this from me, then your marriage is in real bad shape. If she gets mad initially and then she exhales and says, I'm so sorry. I don't know where to go from here. Now you got a chance. But secrets will destroy your marriage. No, absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And unfettered, whether you get affirmation from acute coworker, whether you get affirmation from an AI sex robot online, or like one of those, I don't know, online call girls, or you get affirmation from a church and a nonprofit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If you're seeking identity outside of the primary identity, you promised your friends, your family, your partner, and God, which is you and I are building something together. then it's all some form of infidelity. And I've said for a long time, you can cheat on your spouse with a golf course, with a human, with a computer, with your money, with work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Anything that becomes something you worship and chase other than how do we build a life together? Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you walking around feeling self-righteous that you're protecting her because if she really knew, it would destroy her. Bro, give her some credit. She's probably tougher than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Then don't use those words because that's abuse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay, if you do that, you've just declared World War III in your house. Don't do that. You'll lose. She's a minister and a CEO of a nonprofit. She'll beat you. and then you'll just have to get mean to win try it another way using I statements I feel left out of her life start over go to the very beginning repeat after me I miss my wife I miss my wife
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And that doesn't... I want you to hear that a year from now when you're coming out of the fog. That's not going to help right now. Right now it just sucks and I'll sit with you, man. I'm sorry. Thank you. So a not uncommon thing... And so I'm not trying to offer a glimmer of hope. I'm just trying to speak as honest as I can and get a fuller picture of what you're experiencing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And then you can get into, I don't know if this is even true, but here's what's going on in my chest, in my heart. I feel like that stuff's become more important than me and your daughter. Mm-hmm. I feel like you're taking jobs, you're answering phone calls, you're running to late night emergencies as a way of avoiding being here because you don't like being here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I don't know if that's true, but that's the way it feels. And do you see here my vocal tone? One of these ways, and I want you to keep this image in your mind. When you have this conversation, if you go at it in a fight, body posture, tone, all that, you're going to get a fight. If you go into it by taking a knee and saying, we've gotten sideways here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm confident I've played a role in this thing. There's a humility to it. I miss my wife. And it's embarrassing as a husband to even say that, but I do. I'm jealous of my wife and all the personal success you have. And I'm stuck here in the driving line with our daughter. How old's your daughter? Almost 13. Okay, can we just call out a truth about 13-year-old daughters?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
They can be super fun and they can be dreadfully boring and annoying. And I'm tired of being dreadfully bored and annoyed by myself. And our daughter needs her mom. She needs to have conversations with you that I can't have or it's weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So here's the way to prevent yourself from exploding. Number one, make a choice. I will not explode. I will, in my mind, take a knee. And if I have to do it in person, I'm going to take a knee in person so that I can have the right body posture. And I'm going to get blown up on the internets about that. I don't give a crap. I'm right. Number two, write these things down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Otherwise, when you open that hatch, it's going to come pouring out and you're not going to be able to control it. And I want you to mine your own feelings. Are you jealous of her success? Are you bored, just stuck at home with a 13-year-old girl?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Are you feeling weird as your daughter's entering into her own sexuality and dating and you feel out of place and weird and I don't know, you know what I mean? Like, just awkward? Like, I don't know what's actually going on in your mind and in your body, but I want you to be honest about it and write that stuff down. So that it's much more intellectual. It's much more cognitive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You're reading something from a piece of paper you've prepared and you can stay present and it doesn't turn into this thing just gets sliding down a hill and all of a sudden, and then, and then, and then. And now you're yelling and screaming and you're having a fight. She'll check out. And by the way, I think your marriage is going to be good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It's very common to get annoyed, to get frustrated, to get resentful, to become bitter about jobs and friends and golf and fishing and hunting, whatever else, whatever your things are. The real question is, do you all have a path towards repair? Do you have a path, a way that y'all can sit down and say, I'm not keeping secret from you anymore. Here's the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Sometimes when somebody is struggling with life change, with this is, oh my gosh, this is gonna be my life. I'm sick of being a mom of four kids. I'm sick of being a dad who works, like all that. And then you try medical interventions. Then you try going into counseling. Sometimes just trying on the words, I wanna divorce. is almost kind of like a fantasy. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Here's what I'm experiencing in our house. Underneath all of that, here's the master question you're asking, Ryan. After 13 years or 15 years or 17 years, this is your husband. Do you still love me? Because I still love you. And maybe you ask that question. At the end of it all, I just want to know, do you still love me? And then we can start the rebuild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And bro, if you want to have her give me a call, I'd love to talk to y'all both or I'd love to talk to her too. I'm confident she's got another side of the story, but... I guess I just don't buy it anymore when people are like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this without exploding. You can. The fact that you can call me and have that conversation, you can. You can make choices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If you need to do it in front of a neutral third party, go see a counselor and have this conversation in front of a counselor. And maybe that'll rein you in a little bit. But make that choice to treat your wife with dignity and respect. To breathe through it. Take an humble posture. Write it down. Stop keeping secrets. Let's lance this wound and get on with the healing process.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Can I just tell you, I love Organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they really worth it? I get it. So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try out Organifi, I've got the perfect solution.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
The Organifi Starter Kit. It's like if Organifi released a greatest hits album, but without the obligatory lame live tracks. In the Organifi Starter Kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and feel good from the inside out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants. It's an early morning and an afternoon pick-me-up without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that keeps you focused and feeling great. But that's not all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You also get a full month's supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation, and supporting heart health. And to make mixing your juices even easier, the starter kit comes with an Organifi shaker bottle. When I started using Organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week, and I think you will too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Right now, you can save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney. This kit is the best way to enjoy three Organifi products on the go, whether you're at the office, running errands, or hitting the gym. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off their starter kit. That's Organifi.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Code Deloney for 20% off everything else on their site today. All right, let's go out to Lancaster, Pennsylvania and talk to Leah. What's up, Leah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So good. What are you up to? I'm sorry. I blew it. It's not Lancaster. It's Lancaster.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Lancaster. Yeah, I did an event there this past fall, and it was amazing. I loved it. I loved it there, but I was corrected multiple times. It is not Lancaster. It's awesome. Good to talk to you. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Ooh. Tell me about your son.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What does ups and downs mean? That can mean everything from he's drinking, he's sneaking cigarettes, he says bad words, or he's suicidal. Like, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So since she said that, has there been any sort of meeting with attorneys, paperwork? Have you been served papers? Or has it just been like, I hear this, I don't want to say common, but more than I've ever heard in the last few years, just this announcement, I don't want to be married to you anymore. But then life just keeps going the same way it has been.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I've had this conversation multiple times in my own house. So I'm with you. I'm with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, I mean, there's so much here and I'd probably need to spend some time with him. High level, you asked an either or question and my answer to that question is yes. Is he trying to get what he wants and he knows how to pull your strings? Yes, 100%. He's 17. He knows what works in his house. Yeah. And he knows that yelling and screaming and swearing at mom is a no-go anymore. Absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
But he also knows that after the mom's still hanging on to this divorce four years later, which means it was really hellacious for you, Leah, and you're extra sensitive to the emotional state of your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And by being tuned into it, you try to take their pain away from them. And on the other side, he probably is left out of stuff because you've been a good parent and you've held the line on cancers like Snapchat and cancers like giving your kids social media and crap like that. And so there is a case like my kids do the same exact thing. Like I'm getting left out of stuff. I don't get invited.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It's like I get that and it breaks my heart. And so the path forward is, A, to feel your feelings and know that a mom should always feel sad when her son comes and says, I'm left out of stuff. I should break your heart. And if the alternative is all my kids, all my friends get together and smoke weed. And I don't know. I was about to like have crazy, like, I don't know, parties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And it's not fair that you won't let me go. Like, I get that, man. I get you're 17, you want to go do crazy stuff with your friends, and my job's to keep you safe. I'm not going to let you go do something stupid that's going to get you hurt. So both are true, right? The second is you got to let this divorce thing go because you're letting it lead you around in your parenting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It happened. Was it really ugly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Did your husband weaponize your ex weaponize your kids against you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay. I'm sorry that happened. No one should ever do that. Ever, ever, ever do that. And I'm sorry that happened to you. The moment that happens, you instantly have to switch in your mind. You're playing a 15 year game, a 20 year game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And that means in five years and seven years, your kids are going to go through phases where they think they hate you or they think that you're the worst person, that you blew up the family, that you're evil.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And if you keep showing up and you stop outsourcing how you feel on a day-by-day basis to kids, to children, and you keep showing up and you get some adult friends in your life and you get the therapy that you need and you take care of your physical health, in seven years, in nine years, they go, oh my gosh, mom's been steady the whole time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And the game you're playing now is not the happy 17-year-old that loves every minute of his life. I don't know any 17-year-olds, by the way, that do. You're looking for the regulated college grad 25-year-old who's calling you and saying, Mom, I think I met the girl. And that's easy to put down on paper.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And for me to say it, it sucks when your 17-year-old's coming home and whining about everything all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So here's the harsh reality of I've had to manage in my own house. If I say no to the current social norms of my child's life, I have to provide alternatives. In real time, what does that mean? That means tomorrow after work on my precious weekend, a weekend I'm not traveling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm picking up my son and one of his friends, and we're going out to the woods for a weekend of fishing and not sleeping and grilling out and having some good times and hunting armadillos. I don't know what knuckleheads are going to do, but we're going to go out and just be ridiculous. Everything in my body wants to go to sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Everything in my heart and my mind knows the right thing and the awesome thing and the stories they're going to tell at my funeral are going to be when I go out and do fun stuff. And since I took away Snapchatting all day and going to parties and doing all this, going to unsupervised things and being ridiculous, I'm going to have to offer alternatives.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And the only alternatives right now, because my son can't drive, is I'm going to be involved. I'll help you out. How fun do we want to make this thing? And that's really hard when you're a single parent with three other kids, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm not saying any of this is easy. It's awful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
At 17 and at 18, I mean, at the end of 16, and every kid's different, right? Mm-hmm. Now you're at the end where you can say stuff with a hilarious smile on your face. We're going to teach you how to date. You're taking me on a date. And you're going to get dressed up. You're going to call and make a reservation. I'm buying, but you're taking me out. We're going to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And he's going to go, oh my gosh, that's so lame, mom. You go, yep, it is lame. But we're doing it, right? And it will be one of those annoying, lame, I hate this, I'm so glad we're doing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Or I'm going to teach you how to dance in the living room. This is my slow dancing song. Not in a sexualized way or an erotic way, but in a fun mom and son way. You can tell them you're a year away of going on dates on your own. You don't know what you're doing. I've seen you try. It's terrible. It's embarrassing. We're doing this. I've seen you try to dance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
No kid of mine is leaving this house, not knowing how to slow dance. I don't know what, I don't know what happens in your house, but y'all do those kinds of, you see what I'm saying? Y'all do those kinds of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And I, I don't know what works for y'all, but those, those points of forced connection are annoying and frustrating. And my mom's the worst. And they are, they are a glass of cold water and a mouth as dry as a desert for, for a teenager desperate for connection. And you're not trying to be cool. You're not trying to take the place of friends. You can't take that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
But you are trying to give him the connection that he's actually craving. That he's trying to... Like your steak and potatoes when he's trying to eat Twinkies with Snapchat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you know what's even worse about this? You're going to have to ask for help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That was an awesome gulp. You've tried to be hardcore for the last four years and fight and scratch and claw your way through this, and you're going to need to talk to a guy at a local church or a coach that you trust because he needs a man in his life that's trustworthy and it's not a scumbag that would lie about his mother to him. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you're going to need somebody to come over and watch your kids while you and him go out. Why don't you all start a weekly dinner together or a bi-weekly dinner or a once-a-month dinner together? Are you all signing up for a half marathon? I don't know. Whatever goes on. But you're going to need some help watching your kids. And you don't have extra money, my guess is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And so you're going to have to just ask for help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What's he thinking about doing next year? Is he a junior or senior?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That's cool. I think it would be fun that you start sitting him down with you to do a budget together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Hey, you're 17. Here's some things I'm just going to start teaching you how to do. I don't want too much. You have to. If you want a cell phone that I pay for, if you want to drive a car that I put, pay the insurance on and put gas in, then you will sit down and do a budget with me once a month. You will go on one date a month with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That's the price to pay. Cause I've got to teach you some of these bigger lessons. Cause your dad's not here to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And so it's cool. Like I'm just going to go straight to the workforce, bro. New this. That's fine. Cool. That's fantastic. Um, Here's what that looks like. Here's how much it costs to just live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So find me a couple of jobs in your area that will at least even pay to be able to pay rent in the Pennsylvania area, much less cell phone, car insurance, and everything else you want to do. Let's just do the nuts and bolts. Let's just look at the numbers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And maybe it's not college, but maybe you got to go to trade school, which I'm a huge fan of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, fantastic. Let's go visit him. Let's go sit down and look at that life. Let's go talk to some 60-year-old electricians and ask how their life has been.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Well, just know in her mind, this has probably been stewing for several years. For you, it's a shock. For her... Because sometimes you think that when she said it, she just thought of it, and y'all are both dealing with this. This may have been a release, like a relief. She's been dealing with this for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And now we're getting into the good stuff. And he's going to fight you every step of the way. Just know it's coming. And when he's 25 and he gets his journeyman certificate and he's found some cute girl that you kind of like but you're kind of annoyed because he's your oldest boy, then you'll know. Nailed it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Can I tell you a crazy thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
The fact that you're attuned and you care about your 17-year-old boy's feelings right now. that means you're a good mom. I'm sorry. The last four years have sucked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay. Is he able to talk about his dad with some honesty and truth now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And anything I say out loud, I admit out loud is at least a 50% reflection of me. And that's really tough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So just the quiet exhale is pretty, pretty amazing and pretty impressive. You're a good mom. And I'm really grateful for the call. If you do parenting, um, hate to use this kind of language. If you do parenting right in this current world that we have right now, your kid's going to be on the outside of a lot of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And it's heartbreaking and it stinks and it's sad and I hate it and wish it wasn't. And it is. And so the question we all have to ask ourself is what are ways I can get my kids connected to us, to friends, to fun, rambunctious, outdoor, whatever activities, but not just turn them over to the internet gods and say, have your way with my kids. I'm grateful for you, Leah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, and more. And you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Go check out hallo.com slash deloney for three free months. That's hallo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Are you sure you didn't write that question in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So that's pretty awesome. That's amazing. That's awesome. Good on her. Good on her, on her. If you're sitting out there wondering, when is the something going to happen to me? You be the something. Make the phone call. Decide you're going to stop overspending. Go take a risk on something professional. Go get training, whatever you got to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Go find a couple of people and just say, hey, here's the truth about my life right now. You go be the something, and it's shocking how the world responds. That's awesome, Kelly. Thanks for telling me that. That was good. Usually I just like have direct eyeline with you and it's just mostly a sad face at the state of my life and show. But that was, I felt joy there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And hey, what happened to your finger?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I know. You flipped me off so much, you just went ahead and... It finally strained the finger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
For those of you who are listening, she's just got her middle finger taped in a full upright position.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I saw it, dude. You showed it to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And second PSA, if you're a non-kitchen person listening to this, when Kelly was like, oh my gosh, I chopped off the top of my finger with a mandolin, I immediately thought, Kelly, you must have been playing that instrument so hard. Like that's what bluegrass jamming is all about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I had never heard of the word of a mandolin ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
We have these, they're relatively new. I forgot the name of them. Oh yeah, they're called knives. And we just use those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You have a secret bluegrass life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
By day, she's the producer of a middling podcast. By night, she's a bluegrass queen. That would be so much of a cooler story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Well, I'm glad that the other four are okay. And I'm glad that when you do flip me off, which you do on a regular basis, I just see this giant pink cast right in my face. As we should. Hey, everybody listen. We love you guys. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your parenting, your kids, your schools, whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we just sit in silence for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for the gaslighting that's been going on in your house for several years. You've been walking around thinking you're crazy. And I'm sorry for your kids. They've been watching a married couple and they think this is what love looks like. I'm sorry for all of them, man. I'm sorry. What I'm going to say next is not popular and it's just real as I can possibly be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
One of my rules of thumb is when somebody declares I'm divorcing you, The marriage as we knew it is over. And we have now entered into a business transaction. Yeah. And one thing you need to hold on to is my quote unquote best friend. She hasn't been your best friend for a long time. Because best friends tell each other the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You know what I mean? Best friends don't let each other starve to death of oxygen and connection and love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
so you've entered into a business transaction and so what i would do if i were you is i would get an attorney and i would begin going through i don't know what kind of financial situation you're in um i would get assets debt whatever we got and i would map them out with an attorney and all you're waiting on is her pieces of paper and here's what that will give you number one
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
This gets real, real very fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And the reality of if you're a dual income family, how can I pay the bills? How do I, I got four kids. We got kids in college. I don't know how old your kids are, but I got coats.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You know, you got all kinds of stuff. This is just, I mean, and this is where the fantasy sometimes blows up. Because people have this fantasy in their head. It's kind of like when an 18-year-old's like, I'm moving out. You're like, okay. And then they come back and they're like, dude, I didn't know cell phone bills were so expensive and car insurance, that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
But I'll sit with you, and we will figure out what's the next right move for you, for your kids, for your marriage, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on this show, this is real people, man. This is as real as it gets, going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And so I would get a lawyer and not somebody to go to war with. And I'm going to keep my dignity and my peace. And, of course, I'm not going to ever bargain with my kids. But I'm going to put all that stuff down on a piece of paper that's going to give me something to do with all of this energy, all this angst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And what that's going to allow you to do, and this is going to sound weird, it's going to give you the peace to grieve. And that way you don't get yourself caught flat footed. You don't get a crazy settlement offer. You don't get some weird thing and then you're just pissed off and you're heartbroken and you're sad and you just sign something and then it's all off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
One of the questions I get all the time is how do I save my marriage? And I want to tell you, you didn't, you're not the one that ended it. And it sounds like you've been carrying more than your fair share of the squat rack for the squat, the squat bar for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay. Do you have any guy buddies you can go sit somewhere and you can just be honest with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, but not blowing people up and texting all these crazy long texts. Do you have people you've gone to sat with? Yeah, I do. Okay, good. Will you make that a regular practice? Yes. All right. And here's an unpopular other thing. Okay. I am of the belief that you never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either. Okay. So when y'all sit down to craft this story, Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It is fair to look at your wife and say, you will tell the boys you have chosen to end this marriage and leave because that is the truth. I will not participate in anything that's not honest in that way. I'm not going to say you're a terrible person and your mom's evil and she ran out on us. But you will do the storytelling and I will fact check you as we go. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you will tell the boys that you're leaving us because you don't want us in your life anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yes, anything you got, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. It is. And some of this is when you sit down with a lawyer, what they'll do is they'll walk you through a series of questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
and it might be i'm not i'm not going on in my life without my kid so if you're gonna if you think you're gonna just take the kid with you or split custody 50 50 and i'm just gonna sign off on that i'm gonna fight you to the end of the moon or it may be this is your daughter and you feel over your head and her and your wife have a good relationship whatever um so i think it's getting some of those questions answered in your own mind before you sit down and see what kind of
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
All right, let's roll out to Arlington Heights, Illinois, and talk to Brother Dave. Hey, Dave, what's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
paperwork her attorney sends you. But the other side of that, your daughter's going to feed off you. Yeah. And your daughter's going to feed off mom. There will be some backdraft from kids, other kids in the family and all that, but that's the reality. I do like your plan, though. I would start in with oldest... How old are your kids? 22, 20, and 18, and then we got a middle schooler. Do they...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
they live by each other? Is this a way that you could take the oldest two and sit down and over a coffee with them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And I tell you that to tell you, when your body does wild things, just imagine a leaf on a river. Go with it. Don't try to start swimming, dude, because you're not more powerful than the river. And the more you go with it, the smoother sailing down those rapids you're going to be. I'm thinking through in real time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If my wife walked in and said, I'm leaving you, I'm moving out, I'm getting my own place. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I would probably want to tell my kids on my own. I don't know if that's the right move or not, but I'm thinking through your situation and I probably would.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
The only reason I wouldn't is if I wanted to make sure the story was told accurately and correctly with me at the table. And so if you think your wife is trustworthy enough to, not trustworthy enough to blow your life apart and her life apart, and the life apart of her kids, but she is trustworthy enough to tell the truth. No, I'm leaving your father. I don't love him anymore. I'm leaving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If you trust her to do that, then so be it. I'll leave that to you. But I would probably call back. And here's the thing, kind of like a business transaction. You know, when like, let's say your supervisor were to come in And be like, hey, we got to talk about your job and this. Like, you're going to start working later. We're going to have to lay you off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you say something like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever we need to do. Right? You get in that moment and it's so surreal and you kind of panic and you're kind of like, yeah, yeah, I just want to keep this job. Right. That's where stepping back and understanding, oh, we're in transaction phase now. So everything from this point forward is negotiated out. And it sounds surreal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
This is your freaking wife of a quarter century. You don't negotiate stuff. You all build lives together. And this is where you're at.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
she said I'm leaving great point yeah so when you say yeah yeah we'll tell the kids together well now I've had a minute to think about it and no I'm telling them on my own you're blowing our life up I'm gonna sit down and walk our kids through it and you can tell I will never speak ill of you but I will tell the truth yeah and I don't want you to lose your character your dignity in this in this in this season same right so if you if you're a guy that doesn't talk bad about women you don't talk bad about your wife stay the course even though she's hurting you in profound ways right
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
All right. Okay. Thank you. I'll offer this, man. Call anytime. Okay. Call anytime. I appreciate it. Will you do me one homework assignment? Sure. Do me two homework assignments. All right. write down a list of questions, sit with yourself, go to a coffee shop right now, take some time from work, whatever you got, go to a coffee shop and write down all of the practical questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, you were like, hold my beer, mom. I can make this weird for us all. I'm going to marry her. Here's the deal. Your mom doesn't want the world she's living in either. And yet here she is. Your brothers and sisters don't want that world because they all had visions of bringing their grandkids around the fire at Thanksgiving. And now that's over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And there's nothing worse than finding out your dad was dishonest or he's a gaslighter or he's just a person that lacks integrity. And you start to look throughout your life and you see remnants of that. You see images and shadows of that throughout your entire childhood. And it makes you doubt everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Wow. Yep. You said that. Do you ever watch the show Dexter? A couple times, yeah. Yeah, I think you're that guy. You just said that so chill. How do we choose joy over resentment after our parents blew our lives to smithereens?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Let me ask you this. You confronted him with that. Did that feel good when you said that? Not really. Okay. I want that to be lesson A, B, and C. The imaginary conversations you have in your head with him, they're only seeking to make you crazy. And if you actually have those big reveal conversations, those big yeah moments in real life, you'll see a sad old man. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And you'll realize, oh, dude, I just got down in the mud and threw mud at him, and now I'm completely covered in mud and crap myself. Yeah. And so the best I can tell you is to – y'all both write a letter to each one of your parents and don't ever, ever send it, maybe read it to each other. But really what we're doing is we're having a miniature funeral to what we wanted things to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
We're going to have a ceremony that we can point to the ground. This is the day I officially called it. My dad's lost his influence on my life. He cashed out. And then you brother James have to go be intentional about, um, You've got to go be intentional about finding other men in your life that you can trust. And Lily, you opted into this marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so you're going to have to opt into knowing you're going to tense up every time you go over to the house for a season. My hope is, is that James, your mom continues to be super mature and grown up and compassionate and your brothers and sisters come around. And also it's going to be awkward for a while. And both of those things are true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And vice versa, James, when you go over and you shake her dad's hand and he looks at you and he's like, your dad's the one that almost blew my life. Like there's just going to be some inherent awkwardness and some discomfort. And so I think the joy is doing the next right thing. And I think the resentment is, dude, I'm not even going to, This is going to sound kind of arrogant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm not going to give my dad the – I don't want you to give your dad even the dignity of allowing you to feel resentful. You get no votes. I'm just going to be pissed off that you blew it up, and then I'm going to go do the next right thing. And the next right thing in this situation is creating those moments on your own.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I want you all to create what you want Thanksgiving to look like, and then you'll make it happen. And if you invite your brothers and sisters and your mom to your Thanksgiving and only two of them show up, that they're still going through struggles, that's fine. That's not on you guys. And we're going to be sad. And then we're going to go have a good time at Thanksgiving the best we can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Then we're going to go to the next one. We're going to go to the next one. But what we're not going to do is we're not going to sit around and be victims in this deal. And we're not going to sit around and be constantly re-victimized by a dad who blew up, co-blew up two families and continues to nuke his own family because he won't own up to his lack of integrity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And I'll tell you guys, I hate this for your new marriage. It's going to be really important that y'all are highly intentional with each other, James and Lily, that y'all don't keep secrets from each other and y'all continue to go back to your marriage over and over and over again and be vigilant about who you allow to speak into it. Vigilant about the voices you allow in your own marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Because y'all are building something completely new. Completely new. And my hope, James, is your old man comes around Because he's lost everything and I don't think he realizes that he's losing everything now. All of it. In the process, you two hang on to your dignity and your character and your respect. And go make an amazing marriage. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I want to introduce you to my friends at Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. If you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread and your body is redlining from all of the new exercise, new eating habits, and all of the back-to-school activities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, that's me. My wife has, it gets real quiet and I laugh. And so it's made for not super fun over the years. Okay, it's not about me. Yeah, man. So I got so many questions. You just talk and I'll, I'll interrupt you. Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Now listen, I'm all about go, go, go, but we have to remember rest and sleep is vital for our overall health. And though I like to go hard when I rest, I like to do that right now. too. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Right now is a great time to experience their bedding and pajamas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Okay, good folks, Lent is just around the corner. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. It's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in your way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds bonkers and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at hallow.com.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
This means your trial will last all the way through Lent. And when you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations, music, and so forth. So download the app and sign up at hallow.com slash deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge begins. That's hallow.com slash deloney for three months of hallow absolutely free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
All right, let's go to Manitoba, Canada and talk to Planet Janet. Hey, Janet, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm fantastic. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Tell me how that conversation went.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, I would get out of her head. There may be, there is something there. You know what I mean? Are you trying to solve it on this end? I wouldn't spend the energy on that one. Um, I guess I appreciate her, um, because it gives you some pretty clear direction what to do. So tell me about your confusion about next steps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
There's no going back. Yeah, so her saying that is a little bit disingenuous. I want to tell you this thing that's going to change everything, but I don't want it to change anything. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, but she ended the friendship because she proposed the friendship become romantic. If you had said, oh my gosh, I'm into this too, was she offering to start an affair or was she just putting stuff dated out on the table?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, and you heard the old saying about assuming, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So what do you want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So let's make this a little bit easier, okay? This is a really close guy colleague that you work with. And y'all do some, you've been through some tough projects together. Y'all made it through layoffs together. You spend eight hours or 10 hours a day with this dude. Y'all laugh together. You tell jokes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
He knows about your kids and your husband and vice versa, you know, about his wife and his kids. And then he shoots you that text. What's your next move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. You'll have different levels of intimacy because you're both women. You'll both been through things together and you've been with your friend through a really hard season. But the same result is the same. If you cheat on your husband, you blow your marriage up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Both parents were. Yeah. Even more. Wow. I don't get surprised very often, but this is a new one. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on mental and emotional health. It's a new year, so habits, marriages, kids, everything. Whatever you got going on in your life, I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If you have a friend that you were vulnerable and super intimate with, and then they say, hey, I've now crossed a line in my own spirit where this is romantic for me, then in many ways, I think it's cruel for you to continue the relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, again, I want to stay out of her head because I don't know what she's feeling, what she's experiencing. I'm going to take her at her word. She has fallen in love with you. And that might be so far from your planet that that doesn't make sense cognitively or logically or whatever. That's okay. She's just saying, this is true for me. I love you. I am romantically interested in you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But for you, there's the attraction part that you don't have. Fine. But I think it's deeper as you immediately rattle off if this happened to be a male coworker who is also a close friend. This is inappropriate. I'm uncomfortable. I got a family. This just ended our back and forth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Again, she would be responsible for it. She's responsible for it. Um, my next question was going to be what'd your husband say? And I was afraid you were going to say, I haven't told him yet. And so the fact that you did, that's awesome. What did he say after y'all, after y'all met?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So male or female, like gay, straight, I always am faced with two things here. One, and this might sound strange to a casual listener, I'm compassionate for somebody that has the courage to say, here's what's actually going on in my soul. That doesn't mean I have to think it's right. I don't have to like it, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It can mean a lot of changes in our lives, but I have compassion for somebody who just says, I got to say this. And then you can't be responsive. You can't walk around holding, oh my gosh, I ruined this stuff. Like, no, not really. I did this. No, not really. All you did was respond to the data that's in front of you, which is like, I don't have the same feelings for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And it's cruel if I continue to March around and we do friend stuff and we talk all the time. We text all the time. We tell each other intimate things about our lives. We sit with each other through hurt and pain and whatever. And I know that you've got deep feelings for me. I know you want to be living a completely different life than the one you're living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
One where you're married to that guy, where you got those kids in that house. And by the way, who knows if that's even true, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I don't know if she wants to be living a different life. And maybe you get further clarification. Like, Hey, what were you expecting when you told me that? I don't know what level of friendship you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Oh yeah. The funeral love connection, right? Happens all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah. Is it something that you can just let breathe for a while?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, she doesn't get a vote on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Um, not really, but in this case, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I think it's fair to say, hey, you changed the dynamic of our friendship, and I'm really grateful that you told me what was going on in your heart and your mind. But now I'm uncomfortable with how to move forward, and so I just need some time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And I think you tell your friend, I love you. And I want you best for your house and your marriage. I think your husband needs to know that you're going through some, like your, your partner, the person you pledged your fidelity to needs to know that his wife is struggling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Not that she's struggling with same sex attraction, nothing like that, but she is struggling with, I think I've fallen in love with somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I know, but confrontation came to you. It came to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so somewhere along the way, you got the message that how you feel doesn't matter as much as how other people feel. And in this situation, somebody came and said, Hey, um, I have romantic feelings for you. Do you have them for me? And if you don't, you have to have the courage to say, no, I did not. And I need some space on what to do with our friendship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And maybe you'll go back and have coffee a little while later and you can sit down and ask like, Hey, what were you trying to, what were you trying to, what did you want me to say? Right? Like, what would you want me to say? You know that I love my husband. You know that I love my kids. You know, I love my life and my house. Like what, I don't know what you were hoping for here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And maybe you can dig in. But I guess the meta here is you're allowed to be uncomfortable. And you're allowed to be frustrated that you had a great friend and now that's different. And you're also allowed to be compassionate towards your friend who's clearly going through some stuff. And you're allowed to... Be confused on what to do next and just need time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're allowed to not be pressured by somebody who just said, hey, I have feelings for you. I think I love you. What about you? What about you? What about you? Like, hey, slow your roll. I don't feel the same way. And you've changed our friendship, and so I need some time. All those things are, you're allowed. Take your time. Thanks for the call, Janet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
When you feel like you want to get in a heap, don't. This is a good moment in your life to practice standing up on your own two feet. Saying, here's what I feel. Here's what I need right now. And if she's really a close friend, she'll say, I get it. I know you need some space. I know I just changed the dynamic of our friendship. I'll give you some space. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of piece too. We can't really avoid the internet as much as I want to, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month, so go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today to get 20% off. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to the home of Pearl Jam, Seattle, Washington, and talk to Dawn. Hey, Dawn.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I don't know that you can. I don't even know what the situation is, but I know that you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, before we get to the background, I don't want to complicate it because this feels pretty straightforward. Why do you need to leave your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Just tell me, why do you want to leave your marriage? Why do you need to leave your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Does he know those things?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
He's just looking at you and saying, yeah, am I doing that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. So you're going to leave your marriage. How old is your daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Does she live with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So like four years ago, you're at a funeral. You're like, I know I'm sad, but man, she's really pretty. And she's like, man, I'm going to go support him, but he's kind of hot. And then y'all dated for a year and a half and then got married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Man, I would need a lot more context here. Okay. Just on the outset, the fact that you're not going to make an adult decision because of what your 28-year-old daughter who doesn't live with you may or may not do. Tells me the enmeshment between y'all two and whatever other messiness that's happened over the last 10 years, 15 years, 20 years runs real deep. Because here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If your daughter is only sober at 28 years old because everyone around her is playing the sophisticated game of charades. her sobriety is going to fail in a dramatic fashion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If she's four months sober because she is tired of the unspeakable things, she's just ready to have a different life. If you're around newly sober people who are on the path, you can't shake them off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I, it sounds like there's so much more going on here. When you say unspeakable things over the last 10 years, what are you talking about? Since she was 18 years old till now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So that, that responsibility to a 28 year old will come through direct, honest conversation, compassion and presence, not through dishonesty and lying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I don't think you're super certain about this divorce. Like you're so frustrated and annoyed at the end of your rope, but you're looking for some external things to keep this thing hanging on because you're about to pull the ripcord on something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay, so y'all were not married yet. We were not. We were not. Okay, all right. So y'all are dating. It's pretty serious. And then your dad, is your dad married at the time? Both parents were, yeah. Oh, even more. Wow. Okay. Yeah. So then your dad's volunteering at this church. He's married to your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And my challenge to you would be don't put that on your daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
What do you hope is different? What would intensive marriage counseling get you and your husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
That is a choice you're making.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's not about letting everything go. It's about metabolizing it. Like it's in your system, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And you think if he comes and says, I'm so sorry, you're right, I screwed this up, that somehow your feelings will suddenly dissipate, that suddenly your body will be able to digest it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
That's not how that works. Okay. You have to decide, I'm not hanging on to this anymore. I'm going to do the work that I need to do. Because by the way, y'all are going to go get divorced. You're going to split up your assets. After 30 years, you're going to divide this stuff up. You're going to figure out how to get, how to eat all this kind of stuff. Hopefully you have a job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're going to have to apartment, like everything in your life's going to change. I'm not saying that's the wrong thing. I'm just saying every single component of your life's going to change. Right. You're going to come home to an empty apartment and the things he did and said are still going to be in the middle of your chest. whatever those things happen to be. He said he's not abusive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So I don't know what those things are, but they're there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so at some point you're going to have to do the work anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Have you sat with a counselor and said, here's the problems in my life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And what has your counselor said? Leave this man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. So here's what I'm hearing. Your daughter's been through absolute abject hell. You've got a lump on a log as a husband. And my guess is that there's 50 other things going on in your life too. Is it just a short phone call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
What I want you to do for maybe the first time in your life is to get out a piece of computer paper off a printer somewhere, just a blank sheet of paper. Okay. And I want you to take a pen and not in a blaming way. Please, God, hear me say it's not about blame.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's about ownership. What can I control here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
lily your mom rolls into town and gets a job at this church i made it sound like your mom's like the bad guy here she's not but i mean everybody's a bad guy here but your mom's working at the church she's she married to your dad yeah yeah even now they're still married even more awesome and so then what happens
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And the beautiful thing is it is both humbling and limiting and terrifying because you will realize I cannot control what my husband does, period. I cannot control whether my daughter stays sober or not. I don't have that kind of power. She's a 28-year-old about to be a new mother with extraordinary trauma in her past.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
in your other kids, in your financial situation, and whatever else has happened in the past, what can I actually take ownership of right now? If my husband's a lump on a log and he's not going to change, I have a choice to make. This is my life. I'm going to make him a cup of coffee. I'm going to go about my days. He said some stuff 20 years ago, 10 years ago. I'm done carrying that around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I like him. He's annoying. I wish he'd lose some weight and I wish he would get a different job, but it is what it is what it is. Or leave. But every day there's been a pot on the stove of old stew and you keep heating it back up and then you just are like, ugh. You don't ever either eat it or just throw the stew out. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So what I want you to do is to stop being a person who's receiving all of these external things. I can't do it because of this, and he won't do that, and she might do this, and then there's this thing over here, and then I don't like the dad of the new baby. What can you take ownership of in your life? What can you control? Write that on a piece of paper.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And then begin to take action steps towards those very, very few things. Your thoughts and your actions, by the way, are all you got of what you can control, what you can impact next. That's it. That's it. And it's so frustrating at how little it is, but it's also so freeing. This is all I can go do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And before you file for divorce, have a friend sit down with you and go through finances, where you're going to live, family stuff, inheritances, vacations, holidays, and see if the juice is worth the squeeze. You've been married 30 years. And he may have gone to counseling and been like, it was a waste of my time. Because we get home, she's just going to X, Y, the same, same, same, same, same.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If you went and saw a therapist, the therapist is like, hey, why don't you just treat each other nicer? And you're like, no, that's not it. Maybe. I don't know. What can you control? What can you act on next? But if you want to leave your husband, don't put that on your daughter. And if you want to leave your husband, get some wisdom and guidance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But I'd recommend before you go do that, taking a few other steps to see if this is really what I want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And if maybe by changing my thoughts and my actions and my day-to-day interactions with people and my day-to-day behaviors, if suddenly the light doesn't begin to come on in this home and in my own chest and in my own room and in my own life without the light coming from the blast of blowing everything up. Just a thought. Thanks for the call, Dawn. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
This show is sponsored by better help. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for patterns or relationship behaviors that are unsafe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But to me, all those labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting deep relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship and how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags. Listen, ask yourself, how can I learn to know what I value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
therapy can help you figure out your values, learn what you're looking for in your relationships, and then decide your boundaries and non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? What you got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You have the right to feel however you want to feel. And yes, you can be frustrated. The question is, are you going to leave him? Probably not. Is this the 10th time you've given him a list and he hasn't bought on that list and that's the only problem in your marriage? Then yes, move on with your life. Just go buy the things you want to buy and move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If there's something deeper here, have that conversation. I don't know. A couple of years ago, there was like a glitch in the matrix and... Anyway, I ended up on Christmas morning. I had nothing to open. Zero things. My family was all... It was just a thing happened to a thing and somebody thought... I had zero. And I was shockingly sad. And I was just like, this is bumming me out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm a grown man. It was in my house that I paid for. So it wasn't a matter of need or... And I... Oh, my wife had got me some stuff. It just hadn't arrived yet. There was a storm and whatever. Anyway, it was just like, this sucks. It was. And it made me do some deep diving into... In your mid-40s, if you're still waiting for your mommy and your daddy to get you that right gift, stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're a grown man. And yeah, it's a bummer to be on Christmas morning and not get a present. And... Like, when my wife saw my face, like, she ordered stuff so early now because she knows, like, I don't ever want that to happen. Even though there's a perfectly good reason why the stuff she ordered didn't make it. Like, I don't want that to happen because that sucks, right? So, I don't know, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's both and. But it's okay to be bummed out you didn't get anything for Christmas except for the candy that was the wrong candy. And also, I don't know. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, when he closes his eyes, the only time he ever sees Kelly smiles when she's cooking something. So he was like, sweet. Whatever. That when you're a little bit high. But other than that, like, it's like then. Seriously. And he doesn't buy drugs because he works at the police department. So like, I'm going to get her some. I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, I think the conversation here is not about the gifts. It's about... You're one of the rare men in the world that their wife gave you a roadmap to their heart. And you were like, nah, I'll take my own roads. Skittles, right? And or whatever crappy kid he got. And I think that's the conversation because I almost would guarantee that happens across the board.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
This is both hands. This is like, they came to y'all and they didn't say, did they say, Oh my gosh, we've like fallen for each other. We had a hookup or they came to y'all and we're like, no, we're together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Can you help with this? Sure. And you just shove the socks in the drawer and she's like, hey, it would really help me if you put it like this. Hey, can you help the kids get ready? They're fine. Like, if that conversation had that conversation, if this guy's perfect and he just sucks at gift giving, let it be. And let me say this, after that year happened to me,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I have become incredibly empathetic to other people and gift giving. And I realized that I was just an Amazoner. Click on a few things and have them shipped to the house. The last couple of years, I've tried really hard to pay attention. And it's made Christmas so much more fun watching my wife and my kids light up because they're like, oh, you heard me. It's become so fun that way, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so, I don't know. I'm glad it happened to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And the gift you got me this year, just the coffee table book of all the Metallica songs, that made me feel seen and heard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And also with you. And Ben, you rolled up with a lot of weed. I'm not a smoker, but I appreciate the sentiment. You're illegal. You're welcome. Call the cops. You're welcome. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So they're having like an out in the open affair. Right. Did she keep her job at the church?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. And so then they were like, that's still cool. And then did your mom stick around?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay, so your mom and your dad are getting divorced. Lily, your mom and your dad are sticking it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And then somewhere in all of this, y'all two are like, you know what we can do to make this more awesome? Let's get married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Let's jump right to the phones. We have a couple on to start today's show. Let's go out to Miami, Florida. Let's pick up James first. What's up, brother James? Hey, Dr. John. How you doing, man? How's everything? I'm doing all right, man. Living the dream. Running a scam called a podcast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
All right, so... Again, I don't get surprised very often, but this is a new one. So congratulations on that. So how can I help you right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, this isn't a part of my final answer, but here's just an aside. If a friend texts you a long, serious text message about their thoughts of your character, they are not your friend. Okay? So you immediately opt out of me caring what you have to say. If you don't show up at my front door, you don't call me. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
On the way to work this morning, I sent a text message to an old, old friend that said, call me. And they called and we talked as I drove into work today. It wasn't a long text message. Okay. So that's number one. If they truly were invested and think you're doing something wrong, that's a conversation you have in person together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So as people begin to lob text message grenades, I really don't care. Right. You're just showing, oh, you're out, right? So your voice doesn't matter. If somebody wants to come over to my house or a close friend calls me because they live in another state or whatever, and they're just like, hey, we got to talk, dude. I'll hear that all day long and take that wisdom. So that's number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Number two, y'all decided to get married in the middle of a hurricane. So by doing that- No, there's no judgment, no right or wrong, but y'all that meant y'all made choices to not participate in other parts of this fantasy picture that young married couples have like the mother son dance or whatever. So some of that is just being both bummed out and knowing, yeah, we chose that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It just is what it is. The third part is, have you sat down? Like, does your mom accept Lily?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
All right. Let's bring on. Is this your wife, Lily? Yes, sir. All right. Let's bring on Lily. Lily, you there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. Um, how have you felt through all of this, Lily?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But let me push on that because you can't control the train wreck, but you can control whether you stare at it, whether you're an earshot of it, whether you run into the aftermath of it all. You know what I'm saying? Like, James, your dad, Lily, your mom made a choice, and the choice was to blow up their families. And that explosion came with smoke and ash and down structures everywhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Like, that happened. But if y'all go back to those same blown up structures wanting what was there before, which was full family support and mother-son dances and dinners are on the fire, like that's on y'all. Cause y'all going back to a thing that you know doesn't exist anymore. Totally. And so you get to be sad that those things don't exist, especially since your dad and your mom blew them up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But then y'all also made the decision to get married. And so y'all have to make that grownup decision, which is James, you tell your family, like, She's a part of our life, and she's not her mom, and she's not dad. And so I'm going to ask you all to treat my wife with respect and also your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm doing great. All right. So, James, I picked you up first. So dudes first today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It sounds like they're the kind of person of the character that says, yeah, but we're going to need a minute. And I think there's some both and there. Lily, how is James around your dad or your mom?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah. But guys, I would not, he has cashed out his vote in my life. If I'm y'all he's cashed out. Not only did he blow up your lives, but he continues to make y'all feel like the crazy ones. That's, that's a great way of putting it for sure. So, like, by virtue of his behavior, like, he's out. You don't get a vote, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so, I'm not even going to give him, like, basically, I'm not going to wake up every day and there's a cinder block by my bed that just says, dad's idiotic decisions and his refusal to take accountability for his actions. I'm not going to pick that brick up and carry it around all day. Forget that. I'm not carrying that. And I get to be sad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I get to be sad that he blew everything up and then I've got to live in the aftermath of it all. Yeah, that's really good. And I can feel compassionate for my mom that every time my mom sees my wife, she sees the resemblance of the face of the other woman, right? Yeah. I mean, all that's true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And I would still think it's right to ask your family members to act like adults and treat Lily with dignity and respect and to treat her as a separate entity than her mom. Totally. And I don't know how, I mean, maybe y'all can navigate this. I think it's worth a conversation at some point that, hey, there will come a day in our life when we have a new kid or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're going to see this woman again, mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Will you do one last thing for me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to write nine-year-old Barry a letter. And tell him that you're so sorry that his mama treated him like that and his dad walked out. I want you to tell him that that little boy is loved and that you're going to grow up and you're going to fix it. You're going to be a dad that shows up for all five of his kids. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Man, that's a big question, dude. What precipitated the question? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to let that little boy go play. That little boy needs to go have fun and not have the stuff get threatened to get taken away from him. He needs to go get a job and learn how to save and give and spend some of his money. A little kid needs to learn how to laugh and play. He's got his whole life to get beat down by the system, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
As a kid, man, he needs mom and dad to love him and show up and that didn't happen for you. But that little kid's still trying to defend you and protect you. You got to let that kid go play. People ask me how to do that. Sometimes that's holding a picture of yourself as a young kid and writing that kid a letter. Sometimes that is taking a picture of your mom, Barry, and put it in your back pocket.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And every time you want to snap at your kids, every time you want to yell at your wife, every time you want to just grab your phone and disappear, I want you to pull that picture of your mom out and look at it and say, hey, mom, I'm going to beat down on my kids just like you did on me. We're going to do this together. And then you're going to realize real quick, no, no, no, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm not letting her into our house anymore. She's out. I'm going to learn these new skills. I'm going to go get it. I'm proud of you, Brother Barry. The light came on for you. We're going to get a routine and we are going to stick with it. We're going to ask our wife. You're going to ask your wife, how can I love you today? And I'm going to let you in. How can you love me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Inch by inch by inch, we're going to walk this thing out. I'm grateful for you, brother. You call me anytime. We'll be right back. Okay, let's talk about Organifi. Listen up. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey. It's an adventure. And for most people, that journey can be tough, filled with ups and downs. And that's why I love Organifi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
They make it super easy to make healthier choices about what you eat and what you drink. And right now, they're making it even easier with the Organifi Starter Kit. For those of you still on the fence about whether to get Organifi or not, it's a great way to sample Organifi for not much money. With code DELONI, they'll give it to you, all of it, for 40 bucks right now, including shipping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
By who? Your wife? My wife. Okay. My wife. Is she right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Listen, the starter kit is like Organifi's greatest hits. seven days of green juice travel packs to boost your energy and calm your mind, seven days of red juice travel packs full of antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery, and 30 days of essential magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And if you get in on the starter pack right now, they'll also send you a branded Organifi shaker bottle. for free. So make Organifi's whole food blends and top quality ingredients part of your health and wellness adventure, just like I have. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off all of their products with code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's talk Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. So if you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread, and your body is redlining from all of the new exercise and new eating habits and all of the back-to-school activity, all of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay. All right. Good on you for owning it. All right. So keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I'm all about go, go, go, go, but we all have to remember rest is vital for our overall health. And though I like to go hard, when I rest, I like to rest right. And for me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. And Cozy Earth has a great Valentine's Day sale for her and him going on right now. So there's never been a better time to experience Cozy Earth's bedding and pajamas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
They're soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. perfect for the sleep and the rest we need to be re-energized. Invest in yourself by investing in cozy, comfortable sleep with Cozy Earth. And right now, Cozy Earth has an exclusive sale for all of you watching or listening to the show. 40% off all products to help you stay cozy this winter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's Cozy Earth, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to the home of Reggie Miller, Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm doing great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
What's the question behind the question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Oh, gosh. Is there like, I just, I don't want to wait. Like Dawson's Creek's playing in the background. So great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Jack, I'll never let go. I love that. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah. Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. But what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you got going on in your world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Where'd you land diagnostically?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah. So yeah, totally. A hundred percent. And that's, I mean, I come from this house. I'm a product of this house. Okay. My dad was a law enforcement guy, an amazing guy who worked his butt off, worked extra jobs. And so there's two things at play here. Number one, the idea of having to budget your money,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Often signals to a man who grew up with a picture of what being a husband and what being a provider looks like as a symbol, like a bat signal that you haven't made it yet. You're failing your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The fact that we have to budget for money is just a reminder that my neighborhood, I'm a public servant. The public doesn't give a crap about me. I remember watching, like, I remember, dude, it's visceral watching my dad's face swipe the ATM card hoping there'd be money in there because he had kids with groceries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I remember as a kid thinking, if that's what the public thinks of public service, I'm out. Screw you guys. Because people try to shoot my daddy and we can't afford groceries. I remember being like 12 and being that cognizant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So I think number one is understanding that for your husband, the thought that we have to sit down and plan what we're going to buy and not buy might be felt in his chest as, yep, it's true, you're failing your family financially. Okay? And so it's easier than coming at somebody like, we need to, you need to. It's just a compassionate way to go, dude, you're not failing our family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The second thing is shifting that needle from it's redefining what protect and provide mean. What I have found in my house is it is easier for me to go shoot my guns and become a great marksman. It's easier for me to go take some boxing classes and some kickboxing classes and to get back into MMA training stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
It's easier for me to go work out than it is for me to, on a day-by-day basis, show up and be a steady, joyful, delightful presence in my own home. Okay? And so what I have to do for myself and convincing a whole generation of men that providing is financial, but you also need to provide an electric free home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Provide a joyful, stable, or as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, a sturdy presence inside your house. And I have come to believe for me, the gym, the shooting range, the what at fill in the blank is a numbing device. It's a distraction from, I don't know how to be, I don't know how to provide stability inside my house. So I'm going to provide, you got my direct deposit. That's what you get.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm going to go protect and do these other, right? You get what I'm saying? Your husband, from his training, knows how to protect better than 99.6% of the population. He's got that down. Yep. Right? He needs to have you gently yet with, and compassionately yet directly, help him redefine what protect means. He says, I need you to protect my spirit. I need you to protect our finances. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I need you to protect our family in the event that you die, which you will now or you will later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And that we have money so that our special needs kid can continue to get the services he needs so that one of our other kids can go to college so that I don't have to immediately... I get a chance to grieve you and I don't have to immediately go to work on Monday. Right. And so it's just redefining protect and provide. And in my house...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
My wife has done an extraordinary job of holding my hands in those hard seasons and letting me know any talk of financial failure is in my head. It's not in hers. Okay. The failure on my part is not budgeting in reality, not spending in reality. Right. That's my failure, right? Yeah. And by the way, as I've...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
continue to work here where I work and been around different people, the wealthiest people on the planet that I've met, they all budget. It looks differently, but I just thought there was this place you get and you just never think about it again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You know what I mean? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
If they are, their money will be gone in a generation. It'll be, it'll go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Here's the words. I don't feel safe in my home not knowing where our money is, where our investments are, and how much we owe. Will you help me feel safe?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
This year during our annual retreat, my wife and I go on that annual retreat every year. This year was my favorite one we've ever done. But I did something different this year and I watched her body change. I went and I called a buddy. She's a real estate agent here in Nashville. I called her and asked her to run an appraisal, run comps on my properties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I called my smart investor pro and said, I need to know, I need to detail the counting of everything. I got everything. I even got all the guns, all the guitars, all of my, like, if I die today, here's what this stuff is worth. And it wasn't just like fake what it's worth. This is like, if you had to sell this today, this is what you could probably get for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then I had the life insurance policy and the number. Like, here's who you call. And I read it off to start our meeting. Here's where we are financially. And I watched my wife's shoulders just drop to the floor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I remember laughing and I was like, you know all this? And she's like, yeah, but just seeing it. And she didn't verbalize this, but I think the fact that I went and got it beforehand told her he's invested in making sure I'm safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And my wife knows I know how to fight and she knows I'm fast. I know how to run. If I need to run away, it's like, that's not the kind of protection. The protection that applies to most of us is if our house burns down, what then? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And so I think it's just redefining what's safe and what protect and what provide actually means right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And there may be, listen, there may be another side to this or maybe a wife listening to this right now and she knows exactly where every account is. Her husband makes a whole bunch of money and she thinks he's in danger of a heart attack any day because he's never been to the gym. The protect and provide conversation in that household might be, I'm worried you're a ticking time bomb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
If you want to protect me, you want me to feel safe, I want you to go to a doctor. I want you to get an exercise program. I want you to start lifting weights. I want you to do something. You get what I'm saying? So that means something different in every house. But most of the men I know right now have doubled down on the thing that's easiest for them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And they are puffing up like a balloon and expecting their whole families to just get behind that. And families are going, hey, whoa, you can lift a lot of weight and you can run real far. I don't feel safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I mean, that's a story you're telling yourself that you have to choose to stop telling. Because it's not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I mean, has your husband told you that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah, but I mean, is he being silly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So I think you and him need to go have a, have a great, like let's reimagine our marriage. Now we have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. We've never been married with a 12 year old and a special needs 14 year old. Yeah. And I'm feeling an itch to go back to work or every time I buy something, I feel like I'm a net drain on the household. Do you feel that too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I see you working so, so hard in so many jobs and doing so much stuff and I miss you. Yeah. I think there's just a moment to settle in. And you can say things like, the story I tell myself is when you make a joke about my boyfriend, the Amazon guy being around, that somehow me buying stuff for the house doesn't sit well with you. Yeah. Right? And he can learn not to make that joke anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or you can learn, it's just a stupid story I'm telling myself. I'm running this household. I'm taking my CEO skills that I was using at another place when I was a breadwinner and I'm running this thing. Yeah. And he can say, the story I'm telling myself is you love me a little bit less because I don't make more money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And y'all can give yourself an opportunity to be open and kind of level set. Because the joking, like in my house, that's always a joke. My wife was a gangster. She made more money than me. She was this rock star professor. And like now to this day, like she stays at home. She has her own small business, but she stays at home. Like she runs the place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. And I know that you might bristle at that at first, but what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. What you're saying out loud is hard, and I'm proud of you. It's a courageous thing you're doing, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I'll like, oh man, you're spending my money again. And I didn't realize that that was kind of a jab. She felt that. And it wasn't until she committed to making the jokes that it loosened the grip. When I'd be like, hey, what are you doing today? She goes, I'm going to spend all your money. But you get what I'm saying? But that was her way of running directly into the anxiety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But that only came from us having a conversation where she said, I feel like every time you make a joke, you're kind of pointing it out. And I was like, oh my gosh, dude, I'm a walking train wreck. Like, no, spend all of it. Like you keep the lights on here, right? I do. But I mean, that's just us having that story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Awesome. Yeah. And can I just tell you one last thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I think your marriage is stronger than you think it is right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I think I've got it. It sounds like I got a husband who's working really hard for his family and I have a wife who loves this guy and y'all are just, he slowly started speaking Spanish and you've slowly started speaking Greek and you'll just need to make a commitment to start speaking the same language again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
All right. You're awesome. I appreciate the call. Call anytime. Yeah. I love the idea of a stay sweep the arm. Like we used to be married like this and now we're going to rebuild something amazing and new and cool. And, um, let's block off half of a Saturday morning and let's call the babysitter or your kids may be old enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Now let's call somebody or they can take care of themselves for half a day and let's just go reimagine it in the best possible way because we've chosen how we got here and now we can choose whatever we want to choose moving forward. Awesome. Amy. Awesome. We'll be right back. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Hey, I just let Amy from Indianapolis go and I got to talking too much and I distracted the whole conversation and I never even answered your question, Amy. I'm still here. I don't know how you say this in Latin, but I kind of blew that last call. So we talked a lot about your marriage. You called and said, how do I pay off this debt? And how do I get debt free? And how do I teach my kid?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, awesome. Well, I appreciate that. You're making me feel not like I need to just get a new job. All right. So listen, here's the deal. I'm going to hook you up with a couple of tools that will walk you through it. Okay. So you probably know I work for Ramsey solutions and also co-host a whole other show. That's a financial show. How people get out of debt, the Ramsey show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And, um, so I'm going to send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to send you all the original or they've been reshot obviously, but the financial peace university, um, videos, I'm gonna send them to you for free. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And, um, The way I've seen couples, especially when one really wants to get control of their finances and get out of debt and stop making other people rich, right? Just that piece of if my husband loses his job, if he quits, if something were to happen to him, God forbid, we're okay because we don't owe anybody anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The most common connection I've seen people make when one really wants to do that and the other doesn't really care, doesn't care about getting out of debt or whatever, is when one person says, I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe knowing that if something happened to you, especially if someone who works in law enforcement, that Ford doesn't care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Ford Motor Company wants their money or our mortgage company wants their money. Right? So that's number one. I'm going to send you that. The second one is the app that my wife and I use. It's called EveryDollar. I think it's the best budgeting app on the planet. I'm going to send you the premium version for a year. And here's what it does. It connects to your bank. Y'all can put the things in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Now, here's the challenge you have. You don't trust you either. You don't come to you with the truth about what you feel about certain things. You anger it away, you rage it away, or you numb it out. You football game it away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You can put all your debts in it. But when one of you buys something, it shows up for the other person too. Okay. It just keeps y'all connected. All right. And you put it in there, you budget together once a month. And I didn't know this, but turns out like budgeting and talking about calendars can turn into this wild aphrodisiac. I did not know that, but here we are. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But just this idea that we're going to plan the month ahead together. Right. And we're going to be on the same page together. It's pretty amazing. But this thing helps you do it in real time every day, especially when you forget like, oh, I ran through and grabbed some Starbucks or it pops up and you can hold each other accountable that way. But it comes down to intentionality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then you've got a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old. What's the cognitive awareness of your special needs 14-year-old?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, okay. Where is he developmentally?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, okay. All right. So your 12-year-old is, I think, perfect age to begin to see what the family budget looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And to begin to know, here's how much money the electric bill costs. And here's how we move that money over to pay it. And this is all the money we have left. And they begin to go, oh, man, wow. And so when mom says, hey, turn the lights off, they get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Right? But I think bringing them in, and maybe you don't bring them into the entire conversation, but you bring them in and maybe let them hit the button on the electric bill or the water bill. And they get to see how much it costs. And they get to participate in that. But 12, I think, is a good age to start bringing them into that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
All right. So those two tools will help. At the end of the day, if you want to get out of debt, you and your husband have to get on the same page, share accounts, get all that crap out on the open. Here's what we owe. Here's what we're trying to do. Here's our side business and your side hustles and blah, blah, blah. All that. We got to get on the same page and then we just have to be intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And the debt snowball. I'm going to pay off things smallest to largest. I don't care what the interest rate is. Blah, blah, blah, blah. We're going to pay off things smallest to largest and just get this stupid stuff done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Cool. Is that cool? Awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Y'all commit to watching those videos together. Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with those free tools. They're all digital tools and they're awesome. And if you guys are listening to this and you think, man, this is the year I want to just not owe anybody anything. I want freedom in my own freaking house. I want peace in my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Go to the link in the description below here and we'll send you to all these rad tools. These are tools. I use them in my house. I use them in my house. So there you go. We'll be right back. All right, good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
and so what you're asking your kids to do and your wife to do is something that you won't even do and so instead of trying to fix some things so that your kids will come to you I want to turn off that nuclear reactor that's in your chest because somehow you woke up how old are you 36 you woke up at 36 and you don't like the life you live why
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks and more. Go to bondcharge.com and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. All right, let's go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee and talk to Gail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Hey, Gail, what's up? Hey, I'm good, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my call. Absolutely. How are you? Good. Excellent. What's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I don't know why. Well, I mean, it's, number one, you know that his life's going to be different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And in many ways, it's going to be a struggle. Right. And there's health implications, and depending on all sorts of factors, there's lifespan challenges, there's all sorts of issues. So you see that, and you're compassionate, and you care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Right. It's easy to overlook the fact that a typical kid's got to have tons of challenges too. They're just different. Right. And that a kid born with Down syndrome may have more. Right. So that's number one. The fact that you're sad just means you're projecting this kid's going to have a tough road, and that breaks your heart. Right? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The second one is you used the word project, and I love that. You had a picture. Was it your daughter or your son? It was my daughter. Okay. When your daughter called you and said, I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby. instantly a picture was created in your mind. It was a VHS tape of what was going to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And so I think what you're dealing with is less grief that you have a healthy kid, less grief because the stories you know, they're not necessarily true. Kids get invited to birthday parties, may be able to drive, maybe not. May be able to go to camps, maybe not to go to certain camps, but will get to go to other camps. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Will laugh and have joy and have, like, just write all kinds of things, a whole spectrum of things. But you had a picture in your head of what it was going to look like, and that picture is different now. Right. And so I think it's you acknowledging, oh, I instantly created a picture, and I got to make peace with the fact that picture is going to be different. And it's okay to be sad about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The challenge is not projecting that sadness onto the kid especially and not projecting it onto your daughter. Right. And then often the best solution to some of this stuff is information, education. Right. And so that means I'm going to go meet with some parents who've got kids who've got Down syndrome. I'm going to go become grandparents of Down syndrome kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Surely there's a Facebook group for that. There's a Facebook group for everything. Yeah. But I'm going to learn about this, and you're probably going to find a significant amount of relief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But I want you to head into it. Right now you feel sad, and you feel guilty that you feel sad, and so it's causing you to stay away, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah, but that's a scarcity thing. Can you celebrate him? Can you whisper a quick prayer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
All the things you're saying, tell me if I'm out to lunch, man, because I could be way off. Is a guy who's just so tired. Yes. But you're tired because you've been at war inside your own chest for so long. You don't think you make enough money. You don't like the job that you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I wish you an amazing life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
No, no, no. Every time you see a typical kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Every time you see a mother holding a brand new baby that quote unquote looks perfect to you. And you don't know that story of that baby. You don't know what congenital heart defects that baby has. You don't know what ticking time bomb, whatever that kid has. But I want you to practice the gratitude. I want you to wish them well. Okay. Because here's the thing. You wishing evil on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Are you being sad about them? Or are you cheering them on? Quite honestly, it doesn't affect them at all. It does affect you. Right. And your body will respond to each one of those stories you choose to dwell on. And if you choose to dwell on, screw that young mom right there. It's not fair. I can't believe it. Your body dumps adrenaline and cortisol into your body, into your bloodstream.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You just stew in it and baste in it. Gotcha. Or if you see that mom and you run up and go, oh my gosh, my daughter just had a baby too. Let me see this thing. And you look at that mom and say, I wish both of you the absolute grandest adventures of all time. Okay. Then your body, you get to, your body lifts up, right? Your spirits lift.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And even if you walk away and you're a little bit sad, that's okay. Right. Okay. Right. It's kind of like when somebody cuts you off in traffic. You can flip them off and bang the steering wheel and be like, you're probably a Democrat or you're probably a Republican, right? You can do that. And you have the stroke. Not them. They don't even know. They're listening to their stupid music.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
They're not listening. They're not paying attention to you. Or you can just exhale, drop your shoulders, and whisper a quick prayer. Dear God, hope to get to the hospital before his wife passes. And one of those drops your heart rate, makes you a little bit more compound. You get to pick. but I don't want you to beat yourself up for your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But also, I don't know, man. I've just met some pretty extraordinary families where somebody's got down syndrome. I met some amazing people down syndrome. I've met some amazing families. And again, there's a spectrum of, of, um, sociability and ability to get a job versus they need more caretaking. It's just a wide spectrum.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So who knows how it plays out and how it ends up, but man, there is so much laughter and joy and no way in fun and exploration and curiosity to be had. And I just suggest you double down on that is with all your heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Well, and back in the day, they sequestered everybody. Gotcha. They moved them in a special class away from traditional and they've integrated classes a lot more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And so if you went to a public school right now, you'd probably see more students walking around with various, you know, like non-typical challenges. Gotcha. I think our learning exceptionalities, I don't know the positive spin they've tried to put on it these days, but you're just gonna see a lot of different, a lot of kids with special needs more integrated into traditional classrooms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You don't like that you don't show up for your wife, but you don't have any tools in your toolkit, so you just get madder and louder about it, and it makes it work, right? Oh, yeah. Your friends have all gone off to do stupid stuff. Alabama sucked this year. All of it, right? It's all in the middle of your chest, right? Definitely. Where does that come from, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And this is going to sound bananas, but you weren't looking for it then. So that doesn't mean it wasn't there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Right. There's that, there's some, there's that psychology about like when you buy a red car, you see red cars everywhere because you're finally looking for it. Right. And so whatever you're what was that? Brene Brown says, whatever you go looking for, you're sure to find like you didn't go looking for it. So you could have seen it and not even registered it. True.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And so you'll see it a lot more now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And you'll smile a lot more and you'll see the laughter a lot more and you'll learn some skills.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But your feelings are your feelings and they're OK. Don't beat yourself up for them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then go do the next right thing. Right. And by the way, buckle up because you're about to be loved in a way you have never been loved before. All right. Okay. All righty. Hey, you're awesome. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And it's when Christians all over the world would get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. Lent is about getting rid of all of those things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of ultimately living a full, joyful life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds kind of nuts and you want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Halo, the number one prayer app in the world for free when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney. And this means your free trial will last all the way through Lent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And when you join Halo, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at halo.com slash Deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge starts. That's halo, H-A-L-L-O-W.com slash slash Deloney for three months of Halo absolutely free. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe to the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Take 30 seconds and leave a five-star review and send these episodes to your friends, your loved ones, or people you don't like. You can bomb them. I'm super grateful for the support. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
How long have you not liked the skin that you're in, your life? You only get one, dude. You only get one, and you're like more than a third over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I don't even know, man. Sounds like she has told her. And she's been like, I don't care. God's more important than you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You don't get to be around my friends anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or maybe she needs to fix her attitude before she gets struck by the lightnings. That's what I think. Who is this who wrote in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm just trying to have some FUN, period. All right, so listen. I don't know. That sounds like she's already told her. And so I think sometimes it's strange when somebody just, you put a boundary down, like, hey, please don't say that in front of my kids, and they just blow right through it to the point that you think you're crazy. Like, did you not hear that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or, hey, this is a dress-up event, and they just show up in sweats and a t-shirt. You're like, I know I told you, right? Then you just have a choice to make. Are you going to blow it up and say you need to leave or are you going to say whatever? That's just my sister, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I think most people in Cleveland, Tennessee understand there's just some people that want to talk about the L-O-R-D all day long, all day erday, and it just is what it is. And I think she might be feeling more sensitivity in her own chest than other people are feeling. I like to hear when people are really passionate about their faith. I like to hear about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
It makes me feel good that they feel safe enough and compelled enough and passionate enough to just let it rip. I like that. I like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I wonder if Cheryl's the one that doesn't like the message, not the friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or she's like Ben, she worships rocks or something. I don't know what she worships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yes, I think you're right. I think... She's the one with the challenges of what's being said, not the neighbors. Most people are pretty respectful. Or they'll just respectfully say, I don't believe anything you just said. And we move on with our lives, but I don't know. I think that's a good call out. If this is a proxy, if the neighbors are like, the neighbors don't care. It's you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So you need to sit down with your sister and say, I don't believe any of this. I don't want to hear about it. Or you can just let your sister talk about the things she feels compelled to talk about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You're always talking about like old person stuff all the time. And we kind of let you run. Like your joints and I don't know, hot flashes. I don't know whatever stuff you're talking about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You've not one time ever mentioned any of that stuff. So out of fairness. But I would like to call this out. I have noticed you are invoking, you're wearing more colorful things this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I feel like you are invoking joy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
In your own subversive way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yes. You are continuing to be not joyful at all, but you're wearing clothes that project joy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yes. And then everyone on our show just wears black and sad colors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah, that ended up in a meeting too. Yeah. We talked about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
A poem? It's two syllables. Poem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
When I think of a poem, I think of like a wooden pogo stick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
It's called a poem. Let's just end the show. All right, America. Make sure you read some more poems and be kind to one another. Love y'all. Bye. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
A lot of men who don't like who they are either have some sort of hidden addiction or a thing they did that they've just buried. They've got some things that happened to them. Like in a previous show, I talked to a child abuse survivor. Went on for a long, long time. Or... They had some narrative, some false metric that was supposed to feel a certain way when they got it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
When I get a house this big, when I cross the six-figure mark is when I hear all the time. When I get this new promotion and I become the senior associate vice president, whatever, it's supposed to feel a certain way, like I've got there, like I've arrived, like I made it. And most men are hyper disillusioned when they get there and it doesn't feel like they thought it was going to feel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm here to help. And by help means I'm just going to sit with you. I think we're in a world where everybody just talks at everybody all the time. most of the time we know what the next right step is. It's just hard to make it, or just, we got 50 different options and choices and opinions and just need someone to sit with us. So that's what this show is about, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And there's not a psychology for what comes next. So most men get mad and they hit the gas harder. Did any of those three ring a bell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, so can you cut yourself some slack for a second? You're trying to be a professional baseball player, and you've never seen an actual game played. You're trying to be a great dad of five kids, and you've never seen a picture of a good father who shows up and is present in his kid's life. You don't even know what that looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You have some fantasies about it and you've watched some movies about it, but you don't even know what that looks like and feels like. Cut yourself some slack.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
To have joy in your own house. Of course you toggle from numb to anger and back and forth and back and forth. Laughing and joy got stuff taken away from you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I know. Because my guess is joy got stuff taken away and being angry or being sad got you hit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So what you learned at a really young age by the person, by the people who were supposed to love you the most and give you a roadmap for what love looks like is I need to disappear in my own skin. And there ain't no hiding with five kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I know. I know. I got two and sometimes I just want to disappear. So here's what I want you to, the grace I want you to give yourself. This is a skills issue, not a character issue. If you stop practicing, I'm going to call that a character issue. But the fact that you're terrible at shooting free throws, you've never tried before. You've never had somebody coach you on how to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Me sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for over two decades and it's, It's one of the greatest honors in the world when someone calls and says, hey, man, will you just sit with me and let's figure this thing out. If you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You haven't even seen somebody shoot a free throw. Of course you're not good at it. But I'll be damned, I'm going to wake up every day and take 100 free throws before I leave the house. I'm going to take 100 free throws before my kids go to bed. And in four or five years, I'm going to be real good at shooting free throws. Because I deserve that and they deserve that. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay. This is kind of a recent revelation in the neurological literature, in the brain science stuff. Your adult relationships and your relationships with your wife, relationships with your kids actually uses the same pathways that were developed with your mom and your dad. Your brain repurposes those same relationship pathways. Great. Right? Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
As all of the Western world, all of planet Earth goes, oh, great. Here's all that means. You're going to have to build new ones, man. That's your only option. You made five kids and you looked at a woman at an altar and you said, I do till death do us part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So your only option is I got to build new ones. And the way we build new ones is not sitting around ruminating and not sitting around thinking about it over and over again and not listening to another podcast and their podcast. It's getting out there and doing it. Even and especially when I don't want to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then I just sit there. That's right. You just sit there. That's right. So what courage and bravery looks like for you right now is doing it anyway. Can I tell you how simple it is? Please. How old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Let's roll down I-65 and go to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Barry. What's up, Barry?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You got twins on the back end?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
My homie, dude. I'd hug you again right now. All right. Number one, I want you to build, and again, I'm stereotyping Alabamans. You may not know how. I want you to build a cornhole thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I want you to have a nightly tournament with your five kids. I want it to include trash talking. I want you to do it when it's cold. I want you to do it when it's hot. I want you to ask your seven-year-old, hey, is it okay if you're going to go to bed getting dominated by dad at cornhole? And they'll be like, bring it on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Here's what I want. I want them to get some sort of predictability every evening. Dad's going to show up. And I want you to practice showing up when the only thing on earth you want to do is go hide in the bathroom and sit there for 45 minutes and scroll your phone or just turn on the football game and numb out. I want you to make yourself go do it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I want you to show up and I want you to show up and I want you to show up. All right. Here's number two. This one's going to be even harder than that one. Okay. Are you ready?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to go to Walgreens today or Walmart or something. I want you to buy five of the cheapest spiral notebooks you can buy. And I want you to write their names on it. And I want that to go on their bed. And every night I want you to write something in it. It can be one sentence. I'm not asking you to write a paragraph. One sentence where you saw them doing something great that day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
That's it. And if they want to write you back and put it on your bed, you would love to get that. You can tell them that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The third thing is I want you to take your wife out for breakfast and say... I want to start two things on a regular basis. Number one, a weekly calendar dinner budget meeting, just us together. How are we doing? The second thing is I want us to begin to ask every morning before I go to work, how can I love you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I know. I want you to ask her and I want her to ask you. And if you want to be a real gangster, I want you to go for a walk together once a week. No complaining, no whining, just walking. I'm going to send you every deck of the question for humans for couples and the intimacy deck. And I want you all to commit to doing a couple of cards.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Here's what you'll have to do. You'll have to rebuild your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
From the floor up. You have five kids. You have seven people in your house now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay. And I want you to tell her, I don't have the skills to be the dad that I want to be. I've never seen it happen. But you need to get a couple of men in your life that you can call, that you can text, that you can have coffee with, that you can grab a drink with, that you can laugh with. And if that's her dad, if her dad's an amazing man, I want you to call him and tell him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm going to invite you into my life. But your dad didn't show up for you, man. You got to own that. That means you got to go with some help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to tell your wife, I've never seen a mom show up and be present with her kids. I'm learning. But I'm going to dedicate myself to learning how to do this right. And so that might mean, hey wife, when you see me getting enraged, will you just put your hand gently on my arm? And I promise I won't disappear. I'm going to put my cell phone away. I'm going to continue seeing a counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yeah, I know you do. You've been putting in the work, man. I'm proud of you. Yeah. If you'd called me six years ago, this would be a very different call, right? But I see you putting it in, man. Yeah. How old are your kids? 25, 16, 5, and 3. Oh, my gosh. Jeez, dude. You have a 3-year-old? Yes, sir. And he is an absolute joy. Of course. Oh, I just love him to death. He's finally got mature parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yes. Whose self-worth isn't hinging on how he acts in any given moment, right? Mm-hmm. So what if you with a smile on your face said, hey, honey, we survived? I love you more than life itself. I'm all in. And you stayed with me and I see the work you've done. And I'm so grateful that you hung in there with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Now we've chosen a marriage where we're working on the activities, but we're choosing a marriage that is adventure-free, that is novelty-free, that is life-free. We get in a routine. And some part of having a three-year-old is about routine. You just got to do the same thing over and over every day and you got to grind that one out. But we get to decide how this home feels every day we walk in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
We get to decide our adventure levels. So I'm going to turn off the TV. It makes me, I feel less than when you're sitting there on your phone. What are some things I could do? What are some ways I could love you to make the phone so boring and lame? What is the phone allowing you to hide from? And you've got some things you hide from too. So you can put those behaviors on the table too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Let's go there. Let's go to the deeper stuff. And at the end of the day, here's this. We've chosen this life. And that means we can choose something else. Something awesome. Start there. And man, if you both want to call me, we can keep going. I would love it. But I want Martin to start liking Martin. And I want Martin to stop paying penance for who Martin used to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I want Martin to start owning who he gets to be moving forward. And I have a feeling that will change the entire energy in your home. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Halo, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, and Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer, and even meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And throughout Hallow's The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. You'll get to participate in experiencing life change yourself. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And when you sign up at hallow.com slash deloney right now, you'll get three free months. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check them out at hallow.com slash deloney for three free months. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney. All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internets now. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things. Everything's on the internet now. So much of our lives exist there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet, it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete.me sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So listen, we can't really avoid the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. And that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney right now to sign up. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Awesome. I love talking to a Southern California guy who says the word stoked right out of the gate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I think the first thing is you take ownership of your hesitations and don't put them on her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You just nailed it right there. Every single person I know, myself included, has had to grieve the fact that they had a picture in their head of how their parents were going to be involved and it didn't look like that in reality. Yeah. That was never on my wife. It was on me. Yeah. And quite honestly, it wasn't on me. My parents are grownups. They get to do what they want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And because I don't come from a home of billionaires, they didn't buy me a house and a plot of land and give me a job next door to them. Yeah. And so I had to do what I thought was best for my family. Actually, me and my wife did. Yeah. Right? And so I moved away. And I grieve that. Bums me out. And they have jobs. They have lives. I mean, they've got a whole world too. Yeah. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
How old is your soon-to-be wife's mom?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So you're projecting a potential challenge 20 years from now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
No, no, not that. Not your income. Not your income. I'm talking about if you sat down with your wife and you said, I want to have this much money in the bank for the day your mom says I need to move in with you. Would you knuckle down for two years with us and we're just going to funnel that money into an account?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And this is my commitment. This is my, not my commitment to you fund, but I don't want to be an anxious mess walking around all the time. Absolutely. And do you know if mom has, if her mom has support, if there's federal programs, if there's money?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. Right. Like you have to heal that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Do you know that to be true though?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So I don't know that I would count on that just going away. Maybe. Who knows what's going to happen in 20 years. Yeah. But let me pan back 30,000 feet and look at this with you. Up in the clouds looking down, okay? Okay. There's a 1,000% chance you'll have struggles your first year of marriage. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
There's a 1,000% chance at some point one of you gets laid off, one of your job changes dramatically, you've got a wild swing up or down in finances. Yes. One or both of your, if y'all stay married long enough, all of your parents will pass away. Yeah. All of your parents will do something at some point that you wish they hadn't done revolving on your grandkids or your marriage or something. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so trying to pre-solve all of those problems, or as Brene Brown says, trying to dress rehearse tragedy. Yeah. What it does is it does two things. Number one, it's fake. It's false. It gives you a false sense of security that you have any idea what it's going to actually feel like when your mom passes. Yeah. Any idea what it feels like when your mother-in-law decides, I'm moving in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And of course, that's the month your wife's going to find out she's having twins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Right. Yep. Or that you thought it was going to feel like when there's a big economic correction and everybody's job goes away. There's something about having a math problem, right? I'm with you. I want a number. I want a number and a savings account. It's my emergency fund. I'm with you on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But anything else is me using future pain as a way to numb a current, present-day decision I need to make.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
It's a Xanax. Okay. The second part of it is, here's the only question you need to ask yourself. Will I wake up every single day and come what may, good stuff, bad stuff, I will make it my mission to love you in the best way that I know how. And part two to that is, vulnerably, will you make that same commitment that you'll wake up every day and decide to love me the best way you know how?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So are you in? I'm in. I'm all in. Game on? Game on. Okay. Okay. If you get married and mom needs a place to go and wife says the only right move is mom to move in with us, then y'all figure that problem out together. Yeah. And if you say, I see what's coming and I don't want to have a mother-in-law living with me, then break up with your girlfriend and set her free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
A lot of years. Are you different now? Yes. Okay. Does she acknowledge that and accept that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But holding on to one of those things and holding your girlfriend, future wife's head underwater is not fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your relationships. Your marriages, your kids, your emotional and mental health, whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So it might be you saying, okay, what is it about having an elderly person in my house? Is it that I can't walk around in my underwear? Is it that I'm worried about money? And if it keeps coming back to your fear of money, I grew up in a home that it was sketchy on groceries sometimes. Yeah. We never went hungry, but man, it was pretty dang close.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And my dad borrowed a lot from groceries sometimes. Yeah. So the challenge was me working through my money anxiety. Had nothing to do with wanting to take care of an elderly woman in the most honorable way possible. Had to do with I felt less than insecure. Yep. And that's a me problem. That's a you problem, right? Exactly. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And by the way, brother, if you're like 99.9% of us, you're still going to feel nervous. It's okay. Yeah. How long have you been together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
When you think of it that way, you've made it an item of scarcity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And it's very, very expensive to start a young family in California. Yeah. It's prohibitive. And so... What does it look like to, like me and my family just did the other day, have some adoptive grandparents on your street? My son still goes when we go to West Texas. There was a Miss Tarver who lived next door. She was in her late, late 80s, maybe early 90s.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
She would share a fig Newtons and he would pull up little weeds in her garden. They hung out. My son was two. He was three. He was four. They were best buddies. I would have done anything for that to be my mom, but it wasn't. My mom was a professor in another state, in another town. And so I grieve like, oh man, that would be,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And it made my parents, my kids' grandparents' house that much more special when we went and visited. It made it a magical place to the point now that my son says he has to live a minimum of one hour away from me just because he wants it to be magic when he comes home. All I have to say is you get to inject what happens next, the joy, the laughter, the fun, the excitement, and none of it
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
trying to recreate your childhood, A, won't be what you remember it to be in reality. But also, man, it robs you of any future adventure you can stumble into. And think of the way your sister is doing it right now. That's like her having a car that you want. That's cool. I can afford that car. Sweet. That would be awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
We get to come once every four months and visit mom and dad, and it's magic for the kids. And by the way, you don't have any kids yet. It's like four or five years down the road, right? And hey, this is important. Have the values conversation. Your wife has said, hey, if we have children, I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Cool. What must be true financially for us then?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And let's start planning for that right now. Let's don't get surprised and go bananas like young couples in their early 30s do financially when they find themselves dual income. Let's go out every night. Let's just, let's us live hyper-intentional So after 24 months, we don't owe anybody anything in the world except for our mortgage. Let's don't go out to eat a whole bunch when we're newlyweds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Let's just grind it and grind it and get a humongous emergency fund so we're safe. And then when we have our first kid, we can all exhale. It's going to be awesome just how we planned it. And my last thing to you, James, before I let you go, Almost always when I talk to a young man who's like, I don't know, I don't know, I should, I know everything's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That guy, when he looks in the mirror, doesn't believe he's worth hitching his wagon to. So you've talked to me about your future wife. You've talked to me about her potential mother's health challenges. You've talked to me about your parents and potential moving and finances. I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a man worth marrying? Am I a marriable man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And the answer to that question is yes. But underneath that is, what are the things you need to lean into? Your tendencies, your addictions, your challenges, places where you want to grow. Lean in there. And that's a problem for you to fix, not for the external world to come solve for you. Thanks for the call, my brother. Send me a picture when y'all decide, when y'all gonna get married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And that's the hard part. She's going to have to make a choice. And so it's, it's a, what you're experiencing is really common. So let's take this out of this situation. Cause it's pretty raw with you. Let's say, um, let's say your wife cheated on you. Okay. Um, You walk through it all. You all figure it out. You get it all squared up. You decide to stay together. You all build something new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
If you get married in Nashville, I'll come. Party on, dude. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains? And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're staying out of town or staying in some hotel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing, comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep every time you lay down. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on, Helix Mattresses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I'll tell you this, my Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep deeper so I wake up more refreshed. And Helix has mattresses for everybody. So no matter how you sleep, if you run hot, if your spine needs a little extra love, if you lie on your back, you sleep on your side, you sleep on your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. Right now, I want you to stop what you're doing for two minutes, get online, and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it. You should do it. You're going to find out the perfect mattress just for you, and you can buy it right now, and they'll ship it right to your door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Right this second, Helix has a special March sale that's tied into the big basketball tournament that's going on. And to celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and cinderellas, you can get 20% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 20% off your mattress. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
All right, let's go to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Do you realize the gravity of the question you're asking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. Yeah. So a couple of things. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. Two big flags shot up for me just now. Flag number one is when you say he's a great dad, but he doesn't know how to connect with him at a deep level, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And then here you are four years later, and you bebop into the house 30 minutes early, and she looks surprised, and she sets her phone down face down really quick. Your body has a GPS pin in it. It's going to remember, oh, I know exactly what she's doing. I've seen this play out before. Sure. And as a part of having... a well-regulated home moving forward, two things have to be true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So does he come home and plop on the couch and just turn a game on? Or go to a study and scroll his phone? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So let me ask you this. This is a deeper, harder question. Okay. And he's not on the phone, so I can't talk to him. So I can only ask you questions. Okay. Has he learned over the last 9, 10, 11 years that he doesn't do this thing right? And that this is Elizabeth's home? And this is how you need to do things? And he's learned that his kids don't really like him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so he's come to the conclusion, however false it may be, that the greatest gift he can give his family is to go to work, make sure the direct deposit's still functioning, and stay out of everybody's way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. And if, um, you've probably, if you ever listen to the show, you hear me talk about a dance, the couples get into all couples get into me and my wife and every couple gets into dance. Um, and they're very hard to, to peel back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But one thing I want you to just ask yourself and examine is sometimes when we know that someone we love has depression or they're struggling with anxious season. Right. And by the way, all these diagnostic things are just a symptom, a cluster of symptoms. Right. Right. Right. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
but if he knows I'm walking into the door, my wife's already cast this judgment about me and my feelings don't even working right. According to her, I don't put my clothes up the right way. I don't, um, when I got home, I just needed to exhale for a second, but I needed to actually go into the, my kid's bedroom and knock on their door where I don't really know what to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I don't know how to say it. And, um, Here's what I'm hearing across the country. Men are increasingly not like being at home because their homes feel like a failure factory.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And that's not on you, but it's something to be cognizant about. That the world tells men, you need to be doing this and you have to do this. And if you haven't done this, oh my gosh. And then you're not doing enough housework here, which is there's some truth to all of this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But it has to be contextualized in this is what works for us. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So answering your original question, how does a dad build a – oh, let me ask you one more thing. Here's the second thing, the second flag that went up all the way back. Jeez Louise, I'm talking too much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And again, tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
What is your husband not bringing you? What is he not providing for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
One, you have to call out, hey, my body's doing, it just noticed this and this and this behavior. And y'all have a plan already in action where she goes, oh God, here's my phone. Right? You have already talked about, when I see you flip your phone over, it just sets, my body goes to set off. The second thing is, is you have to feel it, exhale,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
My wife once told me it felt like I had a nuclear reactor in my chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I never yelled. I didn't swear in our house. Of course, I would never hit anybody or anything like that, but she said, oh, I knew. Right. I could feel it. Are you talking about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I don't want you casting that on your daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
No, no, no, no, no. You're trying to solve his relationship with her, which needs to be addressed. Okay. And I'll give you some tips on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But you have to sit down with him and have this conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because you're hoping that if he fixes it over here, it will somehow, the greatest gift a father can give his daughters twofold. Number one, she needs to know every single day how grateful you are that of all the daughters in the world, you got picked to get that one. She's beautiful and loved no matter what, come what may. That's number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Number two, the greatest gift a dad can give his daughter is to on a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day basis, love her mother recklessly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so you're trying to solve a problem over here. The problem is between the two of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So the hardest thing for most couples is that. Now, here's some low-level tips. Every kid is different. My son loves together time, long drives. We drove to Texas for the holidays this year instead of flying because he loves road trips. Me and him in a car was awesome. He likes going hunting with me. He likes going fishing with me. He likes time with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That also means when I'm out in the garage, I invite him out there all the time. He didn't always come, especially as he's getting older. Dude, when he was younger, it made every job take five hours longer. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But he came and it was awesome. So presence with my daughter. Last night, we have an Olympic wrestling mat up in our living room. We wrestle. She's maniacal. And last night I gave her boxing gloves and it was like, I'd unleashed like round, like, like the second boss on a video game. Like, Ooh, she's awesome. But here's the thing. It's intentional. And we, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Or I had to, I, I, I gambled a half yesterday for her. We had a, a Candyland tournament the other night, just talking trash. And we made, we made a bet. I lost. So I had to give her a half yesterday on, on, on this weekend. Um, Here's the deal. Whether it's Candyland, whether it's wrestling, whether it's kicking a soccer ball, whether it's making a drive, the word there is intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And you just got to know what that is. The master underneath that ticking time bomb that you're talking about is your husband's got some demons that I can almost guarantee you originated when he was a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
and say that was then, I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe now. That's a choice you have to make in that moment. And so your wife for eight or nine years, almost a decade, experienced living in the home with an overbearing dad. Oh yeah, big time. Okay. And she's probably had scars from her own dad. Cause that's tends to be how those cycles work. And then she married another version of him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And he has to choose, I'm going to deal with those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And if he doesn't, it's the old backpack analogy. He has a backpack. And when he was a kid, some adults in his life shoved a whole bunch of bricks in him. And he can deal with them. He can go to a therapist. He can go to a trauma therapist. Almost every man that I know who's struggling with what your husband struggles with has some sort of abuse in their childhood.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Almost everyone. And every day he's at war to not scream, yell, or punch. And he's fighting so hard and he's doing good work. And it's hard to get a man on the other side of it to say, whoa, that's not the solution. The solution is just be free. Not to fight harder.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Right? But you can't do that. I can't do that. He's got to decide to do that and go sit with a trauma therapist and work through that. If he doesn't, he's choosing to take that backpack full of bricks and hand it to his kids and say, y'all carry this. I didn't want to do the work to set it down. Period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But y'all need to work on y'all's marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because your kids don't want to be around him right now because they feel that nuclear reactor more than you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
They want to hug him, but it's like hugging an electric fence. They can't. It hurts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And then they back up and then you get frustrated. He realizes he failed and he just goes in the garage and the whole thing starts over again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I'm not saying that you just go cheer him on. Like you're so great. Right. I get that. But you're the only person in that house that can lean into that electric fence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yes, you have to use I statements. Here's why.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
He's been fighting his whole life. And when you say you need to do some stuff, those gloves come on instantaneous. He's like Wolverine. Those blades shoot out without even thinking about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because somebody's been saying, you need to satisfy my sexual desires. You need to take the blame for my failures as an adult. He's been doing that since he was a little kid. Right. You're going to turn and flip the script as you look at him dead in the eye, holding his hands and say, I don't feel safe around you. I don't feel safe in my own living room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Not because you're going to hit me, but because I keep trying to plug into you and I don't feel loved in this house. I make money. I let you do whatever you want. I know, but I want you. Or I miss you. And I keep trying to hug you and I keep getting electrocuted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Will you fight your way back to me? Most men who had childhoods where they were hurt in some shape, form or fashion are so vigilant about making sure the people around them are not hurt. That when they come to realize the very things that kept you safe as a kid are hurting the people that you love the most. That sometimes is the crack in the armor that they'll say, okay, I'll go talk to somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And by the way, when I went and met with the person that ended up walking me through the most healing adventure I've ever been on, I went in full protest. After I had a PhD in counseling, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I was not happy to go. I went as a sort of middle finger to my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Like, fine. Watch this. I'll even go do that. And I happened to go to a trauma therapist and she's just, I felt it. She stared a hole right through me. She knew. Right when I walked in, she knew. And that was the first time ever I felt like, oh man, I met my match.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so now she's in a home. You'll have worked really hard. Y'all have changed. You've changed. You've literally not just stopped getting mad about the house being a little bit dirty to your liking, but you've let that go. Right. And by the way, I'm doing my best. Yes. Well, that's, We can talk about that in a second. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So it's not like the clouds will part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Here's the answer. Oh, so what do you want me to do? Go see one of those stupid counselors? Just one time where you go sit with somebody and tell them what actually happened, what really happened to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Let's get back to the original question. What do you want this house to feel like when you come home? How can I love you through that? How can I love you to that? And then you have to look in the mirror, probably get with a counselor, a couple of good friends or a minister, like whatever, whoever you make decisions with. Say, okay, here's your what. I got a nine-year-old daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I want to be in a relationship where my daughter has a vivid feeling and a picture of what love looks like, what a marriage looks like, how a husband loves his wife. I don't have that. And how a wife loves her husband. I haven't done that well myself. I'm going to work on that. Or what? I'm going to leave. I'm just going to make peace with it. You get to decide that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But yes, everybody can have an or what statement, but every or what statement comes with choices. Thanks for the call, Elizabeth. Y'all have some hard, hard conversations coming, okay? The one piece of advice I'll give you on those conversations is write everything down beforehand. And if there's some old default behaviors that you both go to, just know they're coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Plan for them, breathe through them, and keep on moving. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, listen. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the endless streams of lame videos or the rise of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why I think you're going to love them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And you can check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney. Use coupon code Deloney to save 15% off your entire order. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Oh, man. Hey, I got to props that guy. That's a great story he made up. Real fast. On the fly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But I'm going to say women, but I'm saying it, people in positions of lesser power, kids are incredible face readers. They're incredible body energy tuners, if you will, because they have to. That's how they stay safe. I say often women, but women are usually smaller. They're in a more precarious position. Both of you get mad, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Man. I don't think anyone's the problem here. He's pretty obtuse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
It's one of those things, like, I don't care what people think. Sometimes you should. And I know it's cool to, like, go through... I'm reading Anthony DeMello book right now. Like, I get it. I want to not have any attachments and not have any external people judging me and not care. Fine. But sometimes my lack of... Like, I don't care if my shirt's tucked in. It embarrasses my wife, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Or I don't... Here's a good example. Can I give an example? Sure. It was working here when I first submitted the first round of questions for the intimacy deck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I had several conversations with people that were like, what is the matter with you? Who would ever talk to their spouses about this stuff? Are you insane? And et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So it got to the point that I went home and I talked to my wife and I was like, who, by the way, had authored most of the questions. I said, hey, here's the problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I think I work with a bunch of weirdos because I've been asking these same questions like at dinner parties for years. To which my wife said, yeah, you've been making dinner real weird for a long time. It's been awkward for ages. I, And then I thought back and we talked about it and we laughed, but she had asked early on our marriage, like, hey, don't ask that question at dinner with strangers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I'm like, oh, okay, cool. So anyway, all I have to say is my obtuseness has, we probably had fewer and fewer dinner date invitations over the years. But all I have to say is him parking there reflects on her. And so, yes, it is a valid request to say, hey, would you please not park at the sex shop?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Um, and with your big pink Cadillac or whatever, he's driving his big jacked up red truck with the cow balls hanging from the back underneath. Like, like if you're like, if you're going to drive that car, don't park it at the, at the sex shop, please just, and that's not ridiculous. And it's cool for him to be like, I don't care what people say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I get it fine, but your actions reflect in other people. So there you go. That's why I've quit asking weird things at the dinner table. Alas. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You know, or whatever. I saw them cow balls right in front of the dirty store.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That's the other thing is, bro, don't die on that hill.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Just park somewhere else. Here's the real problem. He 100% went to the sex shop. And she caught him. That, dude, you're the problem. Busted. Busted. If you're gonna drive that truck, you're gonna get caught doing that kind of stuff. Anyway, no. Listen. Every relationship has a little low-hanging annoyance. Hey, would you not? Would you fix your pants? Just fix your pants, for God's sake.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Fix your pants. Hey, whenever you wear those shoes, it just... Don't wear the shoes! Jeez Louise. Can we just... Did you just not park at the sex shop? God help us. I love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So they are very good, not always, but sometimes, at identifying body language. They can feel you walk in the door. And so you can say, oh, it's good to see you. But she knows, oh God, he's pissed. I can feel it on him, right? And so that means you have to do the work to regulate your nervous system. And that's not just going to counseling and learning some tips and tricks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That's you getting to the root of why in the world would something as trivial as dishes in the sink make me mad? Why would I outsource my joy to that? That's ridiculous, right? And then you get into other things. But that's your work to do, brother. But let's get to her. She's going to have to choose, when she sees that flash across your face, to feel that less than, ask herself, is it true?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
For 20 years, 20 plus years, man, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move when everything's falling apart. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form or leave a message and we'll holler back or let you. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado. Denver CEO and talk to Martin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yeah, I actually just sat here on the phone for five hours today and didn't do anything. Or, no, I've been working hard all day. He just caught me just in this one weird moment. And she's going to have to choose to move on too. Does that make sense? Yep. So you can't, You can't solve that for her is what I would say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
My bigger question is, what is it about being inside her own home that she still has to hide inside of a cell phone? Think of a cell phone as Xanax nowadays. Scrolling is a way to numb out, to be present. It's like alcohol. It's like, I'm here, but I'm not there. What is it about her own home that she feels like she has to hide inside of? That's a good question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because here's the sucky thing about... Let's take the phone away. Let's pretend she drank. Every day you came home and she had a tumbler full of vodka. Okay? Mm-hmm. The question we don't often ask is what is going on in her life that her body has figured out is this is the best way we can handle this problem. Or said in another way, alcohol works, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You can scroll for an hour and it makes part of your day go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
She's got some autonomy. She's got some autonomy. Because again, that comes back to, that puts you right back, and this is going to sound really strange. You assume a lot of power over her and probably others too. And so here's a way to kind of deflate that. You're not powerful enough to do that for her. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Just the same as you are not powerful enough to scare her into cleaning your house for you. You are not powerful enough to scare her into treating your kids the way you demand they be treated or have sex with you just as much and as often as whatever. You realize you don't have that kind of power. You can scare somebody and you can corral them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And for a period of time, you can force when you have a power differential. But you just set the whole relationship on fire. And you found out you didn't love that, right? You don't even like that. Yeah. Yeah. Much less the hell she was living in. Right. The bigger question is, go ahead, go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
How long since you guys have really been working hard on, on practicing doing the right things?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Sure. And so, so, um, you say it changed the trajectory of your marriage. We all headed towards divorce and then she got pregnant and you decided to stay together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So let's go all the way back to the beginning. Do you like Martin?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
A lot of self-doubt. Where does that self-doubt come from? I feel like I'm not good enough. Who told you that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so you, you recreated the exact same pattern where you'd walk into your own house and not feel comfortable in your own skin and you blamed her for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. And yet here we are. So the question I want to ask you is what are you going to do now? And I want to back up, and maybe this is inappropriate, but will you go on a reframe with me for a second? Sure. Okay. For the first eight or nine years, you had a picture in your head of what your life was going to look like. You were going to have kids. You were going to have chaos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
It was going to be fun. It was going to be this. And you were not going to be the dad your dad was. And then you got a decade of infertility. And I've been there, not for a decade, but for a lot of years. And what I didn't understand is how much anger got built into that. And how many 16-year-olds are having kids. And it's, what about us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I had a picture of my house that's going to be in every time I came home. It was a reminder of that picture's not happening. And then you did what you defaulted to how you were raised, which is everybody else needs to fix their crap. And that's why I don't feel good. Yeah. And then you did something that your old man never did. Here's the reframe. You said enough is enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I'm going to change. And you asked for forgiveness from your wife. Is that right? And you did something crazy in your line of men and that's go to a therapist. Is that right? Oh yeah. Yeah. And you've been trying and working hard and you've been doing the, doing the actiony things for the last couple of years. So I'm going to tell you something I don't think you would expect me to say to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I'm proud of you for the work you're doing. You're changing the whole thing. Thank you. I know it's cool in academic circles and in Hollywood movies to flip a switch. That's not how it works in real life. And you've put in a ton of work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That's my favorite question of the day so far, Martin. Um, without causing defensiveness, why is that your goal?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so I want you to think of the work you've done over the last two years, you and your wife, is the whole house fell down. And y'all have been doing the worst part of building a house, which is leveling a foundation, re-digging it out, breaking up the concrete, re-pouring it, leveling it, having to do the porch again. And this thing's off and that back corner is sagging.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You finally got the foundation poured. And now, the phone is just a, it's a proxy, dude. It's the light on your dashboard. That your wife is uncomfortable in her own home. In her own skin. Yep. Okay? And my guess is your energy coming in the door tells her the exact same thing about you. So this is a beautiful moment after a couple years of hard work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
that you and her get away and you set it up, you deal with the childcare, you deal with all of it. You get away for half a day or you get away for a day. And you sit down and say, I'm gonna go one layer deeper and I want this house to feel safe and I want you to feel alive inside this house. What must be true for us to build the house we wanna build now? I can do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And here's what some of the questions look like. Not, why won't you get off your phone? But how could I love you in a way that made being on your phone like a total useless waste of your time? What is a way that I could contribute to making this house feel so safe that this is the place that you think of more than any other place in the world where you want to be?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You can know this, Sarah, that with AI, college will look different for your kids than it did for us.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Sure. So there's an awesome and then a – let me just check you on it, okay? That will be the year also that one of your parents calls and says, we need to move in with you. So I know in your head probably I want to get to a place where I can just cash flow all of this, and I like that idea. I like that sentiment. And also just be prepared for life to happen along the way too, right?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you put $200 away, you'll be fine.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
The only way it gets, if you see a, and again, this is what higher ed people talk, like me and my colleagues have talked about for years behind closed doors, like just having those, we call them sad lunches, right? If you saw a dramatic number of colleges close, which I don't think is wild speculation.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Then it will make the remaining colleges very, very exclusive and thus very, very expensive. Interesting.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I think the marquee will be on a shared experience. It will be the cultural aspect as much, if not more so than the information. If I've got a personal bot who can just coach me along the way.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
The human element will be... Can I associate and talk to and hang out with other people my age and older? Can I have multiple leaders?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's right. That's right. But Airbnbs didn't exist.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And some parents like you are just steeped in reality. This is how much money I have. Even if I wanted to buy you $6,000 braces, which I do, I want you to have the things that you think are going to make you feel beautiful. I want you to have that. And I don't have those dollars, right? And then there's other parents who, as the kid gets older, they want to
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Exploring that part. It's both and. Do y'all not give at all right now?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
They want to use money and stuff as a proxy for the world that they thought they would have been able to give them had there not been a divorce. I want you to have this fancy car. I want you to have these fancy clothes and this fancy whatever. I want to say yes to everything that you want. What's your relationship with stepmom? Y'all communicate well? Y'all co-parent well?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So here's what you have to do. You have to sit down with your ex-wife and say, hey, could we meet? And I'm glad that y'all are acting like adults. It's awesome. I love it when adults act like adults. It's so good. So rare. So high five to you. And just say, hey, here's my financial situation. Here's where we are.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Okay. What has inspired the question about giving?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It would be honoring to you that she doesn't say, I want to buy this, but your dad's too cheap. Because at the end of the day, that doesn't hurt you as much as it hurts that kid. And so if y'all could come to some sort of agreement on those kind of things, and maybe you can't, and you'll remember, oh, this is why we got divorced in the first place.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Hopefully, she could say, well, in my new world, I've got $5,000. If you could do $1,000, I'm going to tell the kid that we're splitting this together. And y'all work out the money behind closed doors like adults, whatever you can put in there.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But you have a financial reality that you want to stick to, and hopefully y'all can sit down and have an adult conversation and come to some consensus here. We're not getting her a Lexus. That's never possible. I can come up over the next year with $3,500 that I could contribute to a Camry, right? And if you wanted to have a new Camry— I do have a follow-up question. Okay, go ahead.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Don't take out any loans. Please don't.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
God, no. Don't borrow money, but if you have to choose between a bank and your ex-wife, good God, at least there's laws regulating a bank.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And just said, I just want to paint you a picture of how the world works. Here's how much money I got. And your mom loves you and she wants to buy you this. And I love you and I want to buy you this. And here's what reality is.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I know leather seats feel like it's more love. It's really not. Right. Like, um, what would happen if you had that conversation?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
A hundred percent. Because here's what gift you're going to give her, a gift that's infinitely more valuable than braces, Jack. If you sit down and have this conversation with her and say, I know you really want braces. I know right now you don't as much have to have them medically as your teeth make you feel less than and you don't smile.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
There's actually some research about smiling and teeth, okay? But I'm gonna go take a second job here and I'm gonna bust my butt and I'm gonna knock this out for you. And here's my expectation. You're gonna put some skin in the game like Ken said, when it comes to grades or comes to working or whatever. But you showing her that extra hours and that extra work.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You do both. My honest answer would be you start to share years ago because I think generosity is a position. It's a stance you take on the world. When you look at giving as a number, we'll start doing X when we get there. What most people find is their life continues to grow, their needs and their expenses grow with them and that number just, that finish line keeps moving and moving and moving.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I took a second job driving for Amazon when she was at mom's house and you're exhausted and you put that cash on the table. She will understand the value of a dollar infinitely more than you just throwing money at a problem or just saying no to a problem. So I like that, Ken. But all of this starts with real honest conversations.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I get the second half because I like this question.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If retirement means going home and doing nothing.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I have no interest personally either.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I 100% agree. I am also one. I've got one of my closest friends in the world who's counting down the minutes, just counting down the minutes. And so I'm with you. When it comes to work, I have a buddy who has a giant ranch that he –
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
he messes with it you would say it was a hobby but he provides a great place when somebody needs wants to go for a hunt and bring their kid out for their first you know hunt he is he manages this thing so that people have a welcome place to come he's not retired he is not retired he works really hard i love that um he doesn't draw a paycheck right and so um i think i also want to get done to this societal norm thing
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you at 50 years old are financially independent and you're still quote-unquote embarrassed when people ask you what you do, stop. Stop. The reason people work their lives to become financially independent so that they don't have to care what people think.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So giving is a way of being. It's a way of going through the world saying, I got struck by lightning in that I married well. My jobs have been stable. I've worked out. I was left an inheritance. I worked really hard. I owned a small porta potty company. And then all of a sudden, some guy bought 40,000 acres next to us. And now I'm a million, like whatever the posture is, or I'm a person of faith.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And so for some reason you are still attaching your self-worth and your quote-unquote feelings to other people's perceptions and opinions of you. Stop.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Right. You'd go to fewer meetings. Oh, sure. But I'd still come be on the show. Sure, sure.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, I think it goes back to something I heard an AI pontificator talking about. More than a work crisis, more than an economic crisis, we are going to have a massive, especially in the United States, a massive social unrest when it comes to an identity shift. Because in the West, our identities are based on what do you do and how hard do you work at it. That's insane.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you don't answer those questions appropriately, you are seen as less than culturally. And so we don't have a psychology for what if a robot just does it, right? And what if the job that you had as an attorney making $700 an hour goes away because a chat GPT will do it for 35 cents, right? And so we don't have a psychology for that.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So I think it comes down to just breathing the cultural air, which is if you don't have an answer to the question, what do you do? My God, what if you could answer that? I love my life. I hang out with my family. I am currently working on woodworking projects, but I'm also starting a radio building thing. And I play in a punk band on the weekends at 50. Like that should be a great answer.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'm creative. I solve problems for people, et cetera. But anyway, I think I want to be free from other people's allowing other people to speak into my value or quote unquote embarrassment because of how I answer that kind of question. Yes. And amen. And by the way, last one, Enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of hard work is not in opposition to doing hard things and showing up at a scheduled time.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of hard work doesn't mean you stop doing hard work. I think hard work is good for you. And every single nutritional, physical, psychological thing would say, keep doing hard things. So maybe you don't do it with a mean boss or something like that or shareholders, but keep doing hard things while you're enjoying the fruits of your labor.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And everything, every single breath that takes a blessing. And so I'm a pass-through. I'm going to let this thing, I'm going to let so much of this go back to those who need. Whatever your position is, every single psychological study, every single faith community throughout all of human history has wired into it generosity, giving, being a pass-through.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, why would you move up in house? Most people retire and then they decide we're going to, we're going to sell the big house that we raised the family. I'll tell you why we're going to tell him downshift.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Hey, the house I just bought has one of those rad chair lifts in it. I'm coming over tonight. I'm coming over tonight. Well, fair enough, fair enough. Single story.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I know, but I still... If you were at that million mark or more, I'd feel a little bit more comfortable about it. I wouldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't pull $100,000 out when you only have $750,000.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, I wouldn't have that conversation either.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And so for the sake of your soul, not like in a go to church or you go to hell, that's what I'm talking about, but for the sake of your spirit, of your soul, your marriage, your kids, yeah, start giving today. Find causes that matter to you. Find moments that matter to you. Find people that you see that we can be a blessing towards and begin to practice it.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And Ken, I tell people, practice this in little ways, meaning – Wait until you see at a restaurant when you see a waitress who's working five different sections because people didn't show up on their shift and she's exhausted and your food's a little bit late and tip her 100% of the tab and write her a note that says, we saw how hard you're working. We're grateful for you.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
No, that doesn't have anything. What's your interest rate on that? Do you know? It's all interest rate.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Call my friends at Churchill Mortgage right when you get off this call and see about a refinance in that house.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Then I'm putting the rest of it in a savings account. It's going to be in my emergency fund because I'm about to have a little baby in my house.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, you just got a $6,000 a year raise if you do this.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
All this is doable. But hey, listen, you're on it. You said the baby comes in three weeks? Oh, three weeks. Yeah. Okay. And your wife works hourly, right? So if she is at home for two or three weeks on maternity leave or six weeks. We just took a huge hit. You lose half your income, right? She has paid maternity leave for six weeks. Oh, outstanding. High five those people in Lexington.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah. And so you go get a second job, sell everything. If you sell this truck, you are debt-free. $500 a month raise right there.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Do that and then just watch her when she opens it up. Do small things like that and then find somebody at your kid's kindergarten who can't afford the tuition and tell the headmaster, hey, we'd like to pick up somebody's tuition. Just let us know. Or be more strategic about it once you think about it. But it's just a posture.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Let's call Churchill and get this house, see if we can't get the house refinanced. That's number two. And number three, brother, you're on the horn, get another job. I think with someone who works in a water treatment plant, who works as hard as you do on a day-in, day-out, you should expect to make $50,000 to $60,000. Yeah. Okay? Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And let's don't get a certification for a little bitty raise. Yeah, I agree with that. Let's go get a certification or change fields so that in two years you're doubling your salary.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It also signals to your wife and that new baby, I'm the husband and I'll do anything for my family. By the way, honey, I sold the truck and I picked up a second job for the next six months so I can get us ahead financially.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You can't. You can't. Let it ride, dude.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
How do you think any of the men marrying Dave Ramsey's daughters felt? You don't. And you know what? Both of those men, I know them. They're friends of mine. They're confident. They're smart. And they do good work. But they ain't ever going to have $750 million. That's right. So his daughters don't love them any less.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I don't know if you know this, but she is a key component of this marriage that y'all are setting up.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, none of the things you're saying matter. It doesn't matter that you don't, hold on. It doesn't matter that you don't talk to her regularly. It doesn't matter that you haven't been on dates. It doesn't matter that you haven't kissed her yet. It doesn't matter. None of that matters because you said this thing's arranged.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So if it's arranged and you as a grown man in the United States of America are going to get in that boat and say, all right, mom, you're going to direct the rest of my life. Then, bro, it doesn't matter what you make. It doesn't matter any of that stuff because you got in the arranged boat and you took off down the river. What do you care? Let that be.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you want to be a grown up and decide, I love you. I want to create a life with you. Us two as two individual adults creating one, not letting my mom and your dad drive our future. If you want to do that, then yes, I get there being feelings like, man, I didn't make as much money as your dad. You're going to have different lifestyle.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
We may have Honda lifestyle when you're used to a Lexus lifestyle. That's all well and good, but that's not your situation right now, dude. So if that's the choice you're making, get in the boat, prop your feet up, put your hands behind your head, and then just ride on down the river out into the ocean, man.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yes, sir. Does that make sense? It makes sense.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It's absurd. How old are you, man? 19. I tell 19-year-olds to get off their parents' cell phone plan, much less their marriage arrangement plans. So knock your lights out, man. You're in uncharted water for me.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I don't get it, but I'm also – This doesn't feel like a cultural practice. This feels like an overbearing mom.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's the thing. I've actually looked at the data on the traditional cultural arranged practices. It's remarkable. It's robust. But there's entire family systems around these new married couples and families and all that. So I'm with you, Ken, not knocking it at all. This doesn't sound like that.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It sounds like a mom that wants to make sure her boys marry somebody who's going to have a lot of wealth. Right? And good on mom.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, she got you. Yeah. You, though, Adam, aren't in. And if you're not into the cultural practice, if you're not on board with the family practice, you're not on board with this woman that you are going to. At some point, they close the door and it's just y'all two.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I would be like, hey. Can I get an offer sheet? I need to run to the bathroom real quick, and I would go to Washington, D.C., and I would never be seen again.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, everyone. Listen, we all have stories, the family and cultural stories that we were born into, the stories of the things that have happened to us, both the good stuff and the challenging stuff. And we have those stories that we constantly tell ourselves.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And none of us can go back and change any of our old stories, but the world is waiting to see what each of us is going to write next. As we enter 2025, I encourage you to examine your old stories and be intentional about the new stories that you're going to write. And I'm not talking about making goals that are going to be long gone by February.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life and the lives of those you love for the better forever. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and heal from them and begin writing new ones. If you're thinking about starting therapy, I want you to consider my friends at BetterHelp.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch at any time for no extra cost. So start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I guess... I'm trying to think of the right way to ask this question.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
No. There he goes. It's this, Vanessa. What do you do for a living?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
What is your take-home salary every year? Combined?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
How somewhere along the way did you get the understanding that you're dumb? Who told you that?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's a really smart answer. Okay. So somebody is trying to tell you that you're able to see into a future that most people who are obsessed with their stupid spreadsheets and Instagram can't. And that is this. What is life on the other side of not owing anybody anything? Or to say it another way, what is life on the other side of freedom?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And our culture is so stupid and obsessed with short inch by inch gains that they don't look at the long picture, the long game.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You already have. It's the same reason companies hire a bunch of people to goose the Q1 numbers and then fire them all Q4, not realizing that at some point people just quit working for you because you're terrible people. But they're so obsessed with the little notch here and the little notch there and the little notch here.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So in the same way, you've already projected a future where your husband laughs every morning.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Where you have a cup of coffee on those rare, cold Phoenix mornings in your paid-off house that nobody can ever take away from you, and y'all just can go for a walk together.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You're not dumb. Good answer, Vanessa. Ken and I in your seat would both do the exact same thing that you're talking about. And I'll pay the 3% difference on my APR that I'm losing for my new property. I'll pay that difference in a peace tax every day.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Oh, I started pre-reading this question, Ken, and it's already giving me gas. All right, today's question comes from Allison in Georgia. Yeah, you're going to want to scoot over a few feet here. My husband and I started building our dream home last year. We took out a HELOC to fund the down payment and start the building process.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
We struggled financially for the last few months due to low profits at my husband's business. No way, things weren't going to always just continue to go up and up and up and up forever. So he took out several more loans to help with the cash flow.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
These ended up strangling us, so we used most of the HELOC to keep the business afloat, along with using personal credit cards to make business purchases. The business now owes us over $300,000." And y'all owe the banks and the credit card companies, I'm assuming. Our house is almost complete, but closing on it is in jeopardy due to all of this debt.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
How do I come to terms with the fact that my dream house is probably gone? How do I deal with the embarrassment and the shame? And how do I feel safe in my home when everything is falling apart?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
There's the marriage issues. There's the – by the way, she's putting all this on her husband. She doesn't say here – that either she was complicit in this, like she participated in, well, I guess I'll just put this on, or she needs to deal with some serious financial infidelity issues in her home where her husband came and said, by the way, I just lost the house.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
He basically gambled it away, yeah. I think when it comes to dealing with when dreams are gone or when you have to grieve what you wanted to be, man, it just takes time. You've got to write some things down. I recommend people go through some sort of – For lack of better words, a funeral, some sort of ceremony that says this was and it's not going to be anymore. Embarrassment and shame.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It's just kind of part of it. If you participated in trying to rob Peter to pay Paul and you ended up gambling away all of your losses, gambling away your home, then yeah, there's some embarrassment. There's some shame. I recommend dealing with those head on. Walk straight into them. When somebody asks, you say...
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
me and my husband made some dumb business decisions we ended up having to pick between the business and the home and we chose the business and you run straight through it and you'll find that the embarrassment and the shame lose their power over you when you say them out loud and you head directly into them and then how do i feel safe in my home when everything's falling apart that sounds like a marriage question ken and that's when you and your husband get away for half of a morning and go to breakfast at a cheap diner and say right
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
We've got to rebuild our ability to trust one another. That's right. Forget the business. Forget the house. Forget all this crap.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'm going to go get myself a job and get myself a checking account.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's exactly right. And it's easy for me to say on this side, but it's just a house. So if their marriage is intact and they made some strategic gambles by taking out a HELOC to fund down payments and putting everything on credit cards and we triple stamp, a double stamp, it all came down. Everything's not falling apart. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But if your husband's lying to you and now you've lost your house and you may have lost your marriage, it can feel like everything's falling apart. You need to get somebody to talk to and say these things out loud.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'll bring the nachos. You bring the beers. We're going to sit and talk about it.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, and they'll weep with you, they'll laugh with you, a good friend will poke at you, and then they'll say, how can we move forward together?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yes. And I think what you need to do, Corey, is get out of the spreadsheet and into life. And so, yes, there's going to be a library someday that wants an extra gargoyle that your $9 million could pay for. You're right. But you want something special?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, it's a good question. I love a good Ramsey rule follower, Valerie.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Right. Or sometimes like I was really close to paying off a house. So I paused in, I guess, technically four or five. I paused putting money in retirement because it was like six months away and I could escalate. I'm just going to hammer it. But so there is some four, five and six flexibility.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But the cornerstone principle is if you got kids, there's going to be some educational expense at some point that you don't want them to have to choose between no education or debt. Right. There is, you are going to have life after work at some point or life after an ability to go in and be given a paycheck and you have to prepare for that. So you start saving for retirement.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Dave's found 15% over the long haul is a good amount of money that's going to give you a good lifestyle in the end of it. And then, yeah, dude, try to work towards a world where you don't owe anybody anything, including your mortgage, man.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But yeah, I think that the hard part for me, the hard part for most people is toggling out of the, which is baby step one, two, and three, getting out of debt and getting an emergency fund and then settling into living a life, right? Like, what do you want life to look like for you? And I think that's a hard part for everybody.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Go tip your waiter $100 at a Waffle House, and he'll chase you out into the parking lot and hug you because you just took care of his kid's light bill. Right? You just put food on their table for a month.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It's always easier to blame Dave for all your decisions. Four, five, and six is where you guys sit down and say, what kind of life do we want to build for ourselves, and what's that going to look like? And you've got to own some of the consequences there.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I have been waiting for weeks and weeks and weeks to be able to talk about this publicly, man. This is amazing. This is a huge day for Ken Coleman, for your family, for this company, and this incredible new show called Front Row Seat that you're premiering this week. Well, thanks. Tell us the genesis of this thing. Tell us how it's been going. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I'm so jealous of everything from the... It does look cool.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
The talent, the team, the videos, all of this. The set design, everything's rad. But tell us all about it.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah. people, athletes, presidents, you've been interviewing people who are extraordinary in what they do forever, like for way before you were.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, and my favorite—here's what I think sets this whole show apart, and I can't wait to see this thing just hit the ground running, dude, is I don't know how many times we listen to podcasts and someone's doing an interview, and I think, yeah, but hold on, but what about— And I want to inject myself in that conversation or at least ask the next question or that felt like a softball.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And you have a live audience. You have real people in there that get to do that. And I don't know that that show exists anywhere.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And ask their questions. So I love it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You got to go get a job, two jobs right now.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Please tell me you keep a little journal somewhere with just a tally mark that says, not going to make it or going to make it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, and there's something about sitting down with your wife and y'all put – it's arbitrary. Let's say two years. Let's put a deadline. We're going to be out of this barn in two years. Here's how much money we want to have. What must be true? How do we get that much money? Am I going to have to shoot on Sundays and Saturday nights and Wednesday mornings?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And I'm going to take as many of these gigs I can get. I'm going to stop saying no to things. What's she doing? What must be true for us to have this dollar amount to walk out of here and get that small starter home in 24 months, 32 months? And sometimes when you put a deadline on it, it doesn't feel like it's forever.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And you can just work yourself silly knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
All right, today's Ramsey Network app, it's from Hope. And personally, this hits too close to home, so I don't appreciate it, Hope. But here we go. My husband and I are in Baby Step 2 and have $12,000 more to go. We're so close. He's been fully on board with the Baby Steps until recently. He's an avid hunter and wants to go hunting this season.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
If he kills a deer, it costs around $200 to butcher it and between $2,000 and $1,000 to mount it. I told him we needed to decide together about hunting during Baby Step 2 and that I don't support him spending $1,000 right now. I reminded him that by next season, we'd have a lot more money and freedom to spend more freely. He says, I've sucked the fun out of hunting by asking these questions.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
He probably had to set down his pacifier to say that. He says hunting is his hobby and the only thing that makes him happy. That's a little insulting. Gosh, that's so dramatic. I have no problem with him hunting. I just want to plan financially before he goes. Am I wrong? Is his little face red? Was his little lip stuck out?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
That's some Froot Loops in his bib. My hunting makes me happy. That's the only thing that makes me happy. You're happy. God, you're killing me. There's two problems here. Number one, you're married to a toddler. That's number one. Number two, Hope, what you have done is you have created, you've exaggerated this. I hunt all the time.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Plus, no, this isn't the season to be mounting deer. And again, $200 to $1,000. If you're taking it to some fancy taxidermist, maybe... Again, this is one like, it's going to cost $1,000. It's not. It's not. Well, he may be or she may be. I don't know. Somebody's exaggerating. Well, I think she's exaggerating a bit because she didn't want him doing this.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And he is being exaggerating with his feelings on the other side. There's more things in his life that bring him joy than hunting. And also it's hunting season and him going on Saturday and shooting a deer to feed the family and to have some fun and get out in the sun is fine. But also if you're going to add $1,200 as a part of this, that's insane, right? $1,000 plus 200 bucks.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
The melodrama around this whole thing is just out of control. So it's getting all the way beneath.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I think both. I think both. And so, no, having a plan financially before he goes, is that wrong? No. I mean, what's $30.06 cost around now?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Or two, right? So $5 in ammunition, right? But, hey, it can add up gas and yada, yada. I do think you're right. Having a plan financially is important. It's good. And let's take hunting off the table because this seems to be a third real topic in your house. Let's say it's any number of things that you like to do. Baby step two is survival.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
It's about running and gunning, and you put a pause on expensive things. You put a pause on going out. You put a pause on some of these things. And so I can imagine Hope hasn't gone out to eat, hadn't been on a date, hadn't got her hair or nails done in a year, and husband wants to go spend $1,000 deer hunting. I get that. I get that. But I think beneath it, we have to say yes.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We're going to have a financial plan before we do anything, anything, especially in baby step two.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Get our friend the Butcher Brothers on YouTube.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And so I'm saying this as someone who hunts a lot. I think there's some there's just some straw man going on here. There's some false realities here.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We're just going to shoot does this year. We're not going to mount anything. We're just shooting for food this year. And I'm going to get out and get some fresh air. I mean, bow hunting doesn't cost you anything. Assume you get the arrow back.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
i mean it's this is jeff so yeah davis feels like he's a toddler if he's saying if he's really saying this he's acting like a toddler if he's really saying this but it sounds like hope has given up a lot this year and she wants to him to give up his thing and when you start keeping score that's the death of a relationship that's not necessary it's not necessary it's um
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Oh, I like that. But here's another example. We tell people, don't go to restaurants. Don't go out on dates. You can't afford it. You're in baby step two. But you can go for a walk together and hold hands in the neighborhood. You can put the kids to bed and light some candles and talk to each other and make a date around your house.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You're just going to have to do it differently because you don't have any money. You're broke. And I think that's the same thing here. Yeah, exactly right. We're going to find some ways to do it, but man, everybody in this house needs to grow up a little bit. Jeez.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, is the goal to play baseball and be a good teammate and have fun, or is it to make yourself feel better at the expense of your 12-year-old?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Hey, James, we're talking about hunting and travel sports. Anything else you want us to talk about to get us canceled? I was going to put this question on with George and Rachel, but I think it worked a little better with you guys.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Are y'all of means? Stacey, you live in a $2 million house. I'm assuming y'all have money.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
He would be the guy that spends that kind of money on it, too. George gets scared at the deli section at Whole Foods. I can't see him out in the woods.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
That's all he wants to know. Excuse me, Mr. Deere, please don't eat those acorns. They have glutens in them.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
This is easy for me to say on this side of the ocean, but you're probably not going to get that money back. And just your husband making laps around the living room every night, existentially wondering if he's a good person. Is he costing his relationship with his dad? I don't know.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Hi, I'm good, Dave. How are you?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Well, Dave, to put it just straightforward, I kind of got lucky in the stock market. I'm up $180,000, but now I'm in a midlife crisis. I don't know what to do with my life. Should I put that money, go to school, or maybe should I get a property? I'm 24 years old. I think the properties in Chicago are not too expensive compared to other cities, but I would love your input. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I think I can... Because my father is an electrician, so if I can follow through his steps, I can also get help from him. I think that's a noble career. Maybe not the best paying, but I think that's a pretty good career to have.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Our friend Ken Coleman just read a report recently about the explosion of millionaires who are plumbers and electricians who are creating businesses.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just like I've always been into business. I've always really liked it. I've always liked it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I actually... Not really, if I'm being honest. I kind of really like real estate, which is why I want to buy a property, live in maybe the basement, and then rent out the first floor, and then I could basically live for the same price I'm living currently, which is, I've always lived below my means. Currently, my rent is $600, and I'm very grateful for the people that are letting me rent here.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I can imagine there. Here's the deal. Your father-in-law needs to pay back the money. He's probably not going to. He probably can't. And y'all now, Dave and I have been talking about this forever. Dave, for three decades before Ivan showed up, when you loan a family member money, you change the nature of your relationship together. Now you are invested in them accepting an offer on their house.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Leonardo, Leonardo. You're mimicking something you saw on Instagram. What do you want to do? You don't want to live in the basement while somebody lives above you. What do you want to do?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And don't watch social media and try to quote-unquote hack your way to wealth because that's what you're going to do. That's exactly it. You're going to give somebody $10,000 for their 10-step course to how to hack their wealth, and all you're going to do is make them rich.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Well, I think the matrix is your passions and your talents, the overlay. What does the world need? It's old Frederick Buechner quote. What does the world desperately need that you can provide? That only you can provide. Right. And, man, go make that happen. And the money will follow you, man. The money will follow you.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Dave, he said something, and he said it in his own unique way, but it's an old psychological trope. Wherever you end up, you go with you. He won on stocks. Young kid, won $180,000. He bet right. He threw darts backwards, which is what day traders do, and he won. And he thought that was going to solve everything. He made more in one cash out than his dad did in a year And he still was anxious.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And he said, I just want peace. I'm tired of stressed out all the time. And he realized, oh, I went with me. And so I don't want this life. I don't want this rattling around all the time. And searching for peace is always that alignment of where are you providing value and where are you working really hard and where are you getting better and better and better at a thing that you're good at?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And man, you just got to keep doing it. It's not a hack to that. You got to just keep showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Right? That's a transaction that should be between them and any potential seller and what they want to do and whether they want to keep two houses or not. But now you're invested in it and you are now judging from afar their interactions, but it's because y'all loaned them money. Yeah. Right? So now the whole thing's a mess.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
All right, today's question comes from Abigail in West Virginia. Abigail writes, my in-laws are too much to deal with, specifically my mother-in-law. Abigail, she knows you wrote this. I don't know how mother-in-laws know. They just know. She has to stick her nose into everything. She has a key to our house, which was bought by my husband before we got married.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She's folded our laundry, cleaned our house, and moved stuff while we were not at home. Oh, man. I've asked my husband to talk to her, but he told me he couldn't do it and told me to chill out. You don't have a mother-in-law problem. You have a husband problem. You have a husband problem. He's a wuss. God almighty. That makes me so uncomfortable to think my mom would come over to our house.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I can see a world where your husband sits down with his dad and says, Dad, I got mad. I blew my top. What's reasonable for a repayment? And there's also a thing where he says, Dude, this is a gift. I'm writing it off. I'm moving on with my life. What's your all's net worth?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
My mom's amazing, but my mom would come over and go through our- Unsolicited. Go through our stuff. Without your permission. And even more uncomfortable is my wife said, I need this to not happen again. And I said, I can't do it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Oh my gosh. Abigail, you have a husband problem.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, and some pampers while he's there. Because he might TT in his pants while he talks to mommy. Y'all need to have this conversation. This is awful. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. This is awful. Mother-in-law is going to do what... Here's the deal. I think if... And maybe she's controlling. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I think mother-in-law is trying to love her little baby the best she knows how. She's trying to be helpful, and she's screwed up. Yes, and she doesn't think you're loving him the right way, but she's not going to say anything. She's just going to keep doing it, and I think your cute little hubby is a gigantic 14-year-old, and he needs to grow up real, real quick.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And by the way, to husband listening to this, you don't call your mom and say, hey, my wife doesn't want you coming in the house. No. You'd be a grown up and you say, I messed up.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We need to figure out how to do these things on our own.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And mother-in-laws. Don't break into your kids' homes and do their laundry for them unless there's like a medical crisis or a newborn and they've asked for your help. Don't do that.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yes, of course. Show up with a key that you had before they were married.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
this just makes me sad yeah this is bad yeah and can I tell you this one thing so one time a friend of mine they were having some family stuff and it was a couple friend of me and my wife's and we've known them forever and ever and ever and they were going through some like just somebody passed away or something and I said hey let's get them a house cleaner just to come in and clean up and my wife looked at me and said are you crazy so what do you mean
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She said, you know what that would feel like to me if somebody came over to see us and then they hired someone to come clean my house? Oh, it would be like an insult. It would be an insult. And so I've got to say, mom coming over to clean the house and do the laundry is a little bit of a flex. Right? It's a little bit of a flex. It's like cooking the lasagna. It's like, oh.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Because the recipe you got for lasagna is not as good as my recipe for lasagna. You're not taking care of my little boy the way he deserves to be taken care of. I'll come over and help. It kind of feels like Ray Romano's mom. It's like your underwear was folded wrong. Yes. I'm sorry, honey. I'll do it for you. And so, yeah, husband needs to grow up. Mother-in-law flex.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
This whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. Dave, I never feel uncomfortable. This one does.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
No, because this kind of mother-in-law leaves a note that says, hey, I noticed things were messy, so I cleaned up and I vacuumed. Y'all have a great night. And it's just like a little... Oh, man. It's a total flex. But if you say anything, it's like, oh, I was just trying to help.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She'll definitely mart her out. The old... Oh, okay. There's some old Dairy Queen napkins in the glove box. I'll just eat those. Y'all just go eat wherever you want to. I'll just eat the old Kleenexes, and I'll just sit in the car and be cold. And when y'all get done, y'all just come out. It's that.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Wherever you want to go. Done.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
There used to be a great little honky-tonk in Lubbock, Texas called the library. We'd be like, where are you going? I'm going to the library. All right. The honky-tonk. Going to the library.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah. Yeah. Even today, my son is studying for his first round of high school finals. He's a freshman. And I know the science of studying. I know the pedagogy of studying. I have been a high school and a college teacher for my whole career. And he's got to go through this first round of finals. Studying the way he rolls his eyes and says, Dad, I know. Okay.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And it's hard because I want to go in there and say, this is what he's got to learn this time. And then next time we'll be able to speak from a place of, all right. I need some help. Show me how to do this. And it's hard. It's hard when your precious little Johnny's underwear isn't folded right. Mother-in-law. It's Abigail's husband now. Abigail. Back up. Back up. Be cool. Be cool, man.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She has to stick her nose into everything. It's the move stuff while we weren't home.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Hey, everybody, listen to this. Helix, who makes the best mattresses on planet Earth, actually throughout the universe, they've extended their Cyber Monday savings. They've extended their Cyber Monday savings. Listen, I've spent my whole life sleeping on mattresses, ones that were not great. And sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest.
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You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
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You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And because everyone sleeps in their own unique way, Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs a little extra love, they've got mattresses for you too. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10- or 15-year warranty.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
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You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Go to helixsleep.com slash Ramsey for details and to save 20% off everything. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Ramsey. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
There you go. So Allison... I'm so sorry. Allison, let me ask you this. Yeah. How much of this spinning out, this, okay, what about this? I got a plan for this. I got a plan for this. Is just the utter loss of control you feel when somebody says the word cancer with somebody you love?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Because here's what it sounds like to me. Dave and I take calls all the time. You guys, for being in your mid to back half of your 50s. Are really in good shape. You're in amazing shape. Financially. And my mom is still a professor into her 70s. You can do your job for ages. AI may take it, right? But let's just pretend. You keep doing that. Yeah. You're in an amazing position.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
The challenge for you is to exhale and be present with your husband, which is going to be hard and scary.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Y'all are good, man. You're good.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Allison, have they put him on a clock?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
That is. So let's stay as optimistic as possible, and let's stay deeply in prayer, and let's try these clinical trials. Amazing. And let's remember that every second is golden when it comes to how precious it is. And let's let tomorrow's, you guys are in such great shape, let's let tomorrow's worries be tomorrow's. Right now, we're going to just celebrate and be in joy with every precious second.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Every city is going to be different. And I tell you what, I tell people all the time, I don't get nervous anymore. I get excited, but I don't get nervous anymore. I'm pretty nervous about this one. This one's going to be fun.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
There's a different energy. We make it up as we go, dude. Several thousand people in a fancy theater. It's going to be fun.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I like option one. There's something about owning it and calling dad and mom and saying, I shouldn't have done this. I did it. And y'all are free from it. And we'll be over for dinner on Sunday. I'm going to move on with my life. And for you regular people, it would be like if you loaned them $100.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah. How long have you been unable to breathe, dude?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Okay. So give me two and you're done. You're at zero. You're free.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
But that means you can't hem-haw around every couple of weeks like, maybe I'll have some work this weekend. That means... All the time you're working. I have a job at Costco and I go straight from there on Saturdays to throw boxes at Walmart until 11 o'clock at night and then I get home and I get up at 6 a.m. on Sunday, I go to church, I go do it again.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And then I do my regular job Monday through Friday.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Okay. And if y'all stay together, your marriage will be so united because y'all know we can do anything together. And few things light up a wife like a husband with lasers in his eyes on behalf of the family. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Don't loan family members money. Give it to them or say no thank you. Period. No exceptions. That's the rule. Give it to them. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, it's that time of year. It's starting to get a little bit colder. It's getting a little bit dark earlier. And sometimes if you're like me, you just want to stay inside and get cozy.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
What up, what up? It's Dr. John Deloney from the Dr. John Deloney Show with some amazing news. The latest episode of United States of Anxiety is available right now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app. This docuseries follows real people from my show as they embark on a 90-day journey to transform their lives, and I personally walk alongside them every step of the way.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Okay, now, here's a sneak peek of what the new episode is all about. And don't forget to click the link in the show notes to download the app. What's up, Kelsey?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
What does crippling anxiety mean? Paint me a picture of that. All right, so you ready to jump in?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We're going to check in with Kelsey 30 days, 60 days, 90 days.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She's experiencing things that really hurt a long time ago. Tell me about this boy.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
It just feels like it would be exhausting to be Kelsey.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Whenever somebody's playing whack-a-mole with their anxiety, when it just keeps moving, that tells me the underlying system's not okay.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
One of two people that's supposed to never leave took off.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You're a burden, that's right. To the one person who should carry it, all of it. Did you ever tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You either have to choose to let this guy love you, or you gotta choose to let this guy go.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And for me, my perfect cozy night is me and all of my family piled under blankets, watching a movie, sitting by the fire, maybe even reading a book. And listen, whatever your perfect night in looks like, sometimes therapy can feel a bit like that. a time when you can settle in, finally exhale, replenish your energy, and begin to take care of yourself.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one of the reasons I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anytime and just about anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule.
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You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist and you can switch therapists for no extra cost. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
They may live for another 20 years. And so you've got 20 years of rent going up. And I would want to be in my seventies and eighties with my biggest asset set.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And, Dave, tell me if my matrix is wrong here. You've got Brenda, whose parents are in their 70s. So let's always want to pretend they might live to 90, okay? Yeah. That's five more presidential elections from now. To think we could predict what the world will look like in 20 years. It feels better for me to say, I don't know. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to solve for peace in the present.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And that looks like no house payment. Yep. That feels like a wiser choice than trying to speculate on, well, is this going to be a good investment? What's going to happen in 20 years? Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I was going to say, and if you'd walk in with $100 million of cash and just started buying places, you would be worth – An unfathomable amount of money right now. A trillion.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Or maybe tell me if this is a bad way to look at it. Cause I don't look at things like real estate investment, but let's say things let's pretend it went in half again in 20 years. And mom passes away. Dad passes away. They live 20 more years. Great times with the grandkids. And you have to sell that place. You're still walking away with a check for three or $400,000.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And let's pretend it cuts in half, which it won't. From today. From today. Wow, that would be unprecedented. You still walk away with a chunk of money, right? You're still okay is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. And so I guess this long-term stuff, like, I don't know.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, it's that time of year. It's starting to get a little bit colder. It's getting a little bit dark earlier. And sometimes if you're like me, you just want to stay inside and get cozy. And for me, my perfect cozy night is me and all of my family piled under blankets, watching a movie, sitting by the fire, maybe even reading a book.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
And listen, whatever your perfect night in looks like, sometimes therapy can feel a bit like that. a time when you can settle in, finally exhale, replenish your energy, and begin to take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Take care. Bye. Bye. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp.
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Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
What up, what up? It's Dr. John Deloney from the Dr. John Deloney Show with some amazing news. The latest episode of United States of Anxiety is available right now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app. This docuseries follows real people from my show as they embark on a 90-day journey to transform their lives, and I personally walk alongside them every step of the way.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Okay, now, here's a sneak peek of what the new episode is all about. And don't forget to click the link in the show notes to download the app. What's up, Kelsey?
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
What does crippling anxiety mean? Paint me a picture of that. All right, so you ready to jump in?
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
So we're going to check in with Kelsey 30 days, 60 days, 90 days.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
She's experiencing things that really hurt a long time ago. Tell me about this boy.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
It just feels like it would be exhausting to be Kelsey.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Whenever somebody's playing whack-a-mole with their anxiety, when it just keeps moving, that tells me the underlying system's not okay.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
One of two people that's supposed to never leave took off.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Your burden, that's right. To the one person who should carry it, all of it. Did you ever tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault? I don't know what to do. You either have to choose to let this guy love you, or you gotta choose to let this guy go.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So how much do you owe not including the house?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So hold on. You sold your car, but you still owe $50,000 on it? Or does he have a car?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. Tell me about the other two you're financing.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yes, I think we are. Y'all are scary, scary broke.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Wow. So there's your $1,000 right there, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Like after taxes and take them, you just added a $40,000 a year income to your house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Right? So let me ask you this. You guys have $160,000 left on your mortgage. You got $140,000 in debt. Y'all make $130,000. That tells me that y'all, because y'all don't have, I know it feels like it, you don't have a ton of debt. And I mean, you got car notes, you got credit card debt, you'll have a lot of debt, but you also make good money. This tells me you guys go out to eat all the time.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Your daughter's a princess. Like, do y'all spend recklessly? Do y'all not have a budget?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. I think one of the greatest gifts you could give your teenagers is to sit down with them and say, here's how mom and dad have lived. And here's how things are going to be different. And we're going to take your precious Corolla. And I know you love it, but we're going to sell it because it's the right thing to do. You're the worst. I can't believe you.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
But I'm telling you right now, the 27-year-old her, the 40-year-old her will remember this moment as my mom and dad did whatever it took to become free.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And I think it will be a watershed moment for you and your family.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And it will really, really not be fun.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And a 16-year-old doesn't care. She wants her cool Corolla right now. You know what I mean? She doesn't care. Especially with the crummy car you're going to have to buy her or that she's going to have to go to work for.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's fine. Go to a local credit union and take out the difference, because I'd rather you be $5,000 in debt, and then he gets a $2,000 car. I'd rather you all owe $7,000 than owe the $35,000 that you owe now.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. I'm going to ask you a very stereotypical, like, generalized question that's not fair, okay? But I'm just a lifelong Texan. Is your husband in enough that he's going to sell his truck and get a $7,000 car?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
uh yeah he would he's all on board that's an that's an amazing good man good for you yeah good for you that's that's fantastic so now you just have hard work ahead of you but it's going to clear up way way faster on this fifty thousand dollars of credit card debt is it one big credit card or is it 30 just no it's two big credit cards okay did you do some kind of consolidation loan or balance transfer or is these did you actually max out each card
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And I'm going to talk to everybody here, but I'm also talking to you too, okay, Cindy? I think when you're having to toggle a lifestyle shift with kids, especially teenagers, I want everybody to keep in mind this one word, ownership. How can I invite my teenager, my middle schooler especially, and even my elementary school kid, how can I invite them into the lifestyle changes we're making?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That can be, I'm going to teach them about how much money we make, right? And they're going to start doing the budget with us. I'm going to help. They're going to get to sit in my lap when they're younger and punch the button in. This is what our electric bill is. So when I tell you to turn the electric, like your lights off, this is why.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
But when they feel a part of it... Then there's less, oh my gosh, and more, okay, we're all doing this together.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's why we live in Tennessee. That was a dig. I love Oregon. I think Oregon's a stunning place. Let me ask you this. What's the market rate for a pharmacist? If you quit there and went over to Walgreens or quit there and went over to a local hospital, what would that do to your salary?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Oh, so you're working at like a hospital, but technically it's nonprofit. Exactly. It's a not-for-profit hospital system. Okay. All right.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
No, I would not. I'd run primate class.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So, dude, my, I mean. Here's what I just saw firsthand. And I, after the, like Biden's going to forgive it all. And then it didn't. And then with Supreme court, like after all that, I've, I'm going to be honest with you. I've stopped watching the news ticker on it every day. Okay.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
But what I witnessed was some of the most brilliant, extraordinary law students of mine decide to go into public service because of this 10 year repayment program. And they got hosed. It just got denied. They went all the way through it and then a thing happened or they went from one, from working as a public defender to working on a nonprofit and they reset the clock.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I mean, just crazy stuff that makes no sense. And it really soured me on it. And so what I would tell you is, 10 years from now is two and a half presidential elections. If you think you can predict what's going to happen in 10 years from now, best of luck to you, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So what I would tell you is for your soul, you make 175 grand and I know you get beat up on taxes, but you make 175,000 bucks and you could probably pick up Saturday and Sunday work. I would hit the gas in an insane way over the next 18 months and just pay the sucker down as fast as I possibly could. That's what I would do.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I just watched some of the brightest minds like you just get burned alive by a governmental promise that didn't come through. Shocker.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And by the way, everyone you work with is going to tell you that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard. they're going to tell you, dude, you're missing out on the 2% or 4% match. Are you an idiot? Those guys are morons. And here's what you're going to have that they don't.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You're going to have $25,000 in cash in the bank as your wife heads into labor or $30,000 in cash, and you're going to be able to sleep at night. Yeah. And none of your colleagues have that. They've got a bunch of, like, cool things on a tin key and a cool things, like, I don't know what they have. I'm just being a jerk. But you're going to be able to sleep at night.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And then the day after the birth, when the mom's doing awesome, baby's doing great, not day after, but the week or two afterwards, you're going to take that money and you're just going to roll it back where it needs to go. Okay. And suddenly that loan is going to be $225,000 because you're going to have just dropped $25,000 on it and knock it down.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
As a taxpayer? Yeah. I'm happy to support that. You get some of the brightest minds in the world to go actually solve some of these governmental nonsensical issues. Dude, I love the idea. Taxpayer, I love the idea of taking some of the brightest minds and saying, you work for the government for half or a quarter of your market rate. I'd happily pay back your student loans.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Or some AI thing comes out and somebody calls you and they're like, hey, we'd like you to come work with our new pharmaceutical thing. It's going to be amazing. And you're like, oh, I can't do that because I'm seven years into this 10-year repayment. Just get it out of your life, man. That's tough.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And if you flip it around, if you were to lose your job and you have this pile of cash, all those lenders are still calling you the next day.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So you still, it's six and a half dozen another. You could spread it out, right? You could pay some a little bit, but you're still going to have to pay that money. Um, I would rather, I mean, just sitting here, this is me. I'm not a single mom with three kids.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so it's much easier for me to say this when I look at my own risk profile, but I would rather owe nobody and get laid off and figure out what's next. Then have a whole, I have a small pocket of money, but I have a whole bunch of creditors that are going to come knocking on the door when I got no job.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. Red flags, green flags, beige flags.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Listen, it can be helpful to look for patterns or unsafe behaviors in potential relationships, but all those labels can distract from what's really important, your values, and whether you and your potential partner are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. And look, I know it can be tough sometimes to even know what's important to you in a relationship.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
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The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
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The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I don't know if you remember. It was a while ago. There was this thing called COVID and people quit working. And then the local government said they don't have to pay rent and you can't evict them.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So in our world, just... John's at a loss for words. Yeah, it's rare. My wife and I, I just can't wrap my head around any successful marriage I know. The partner would not go make a $30,000. Dave and Sharon Ramsey, they're worth $700 million, would not make a $30,000 purchase without telling the other person.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah. I know, but here's the deal. In our world, we call that financial infidelity. And I want you to consider it being that serious of a thing. Because you have cash in the bank, you're worried enough about your future finances that you moved home with your wife to live with your dad, right? Back to your high school house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You have the burden that most men don't fully understand until their wife tells them, hey, I'm pregnant, right? And now suddenly it's like you're under a squat rack and someone just put two more 45s on each side and you're like, whoa, this is heavy.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Don't do any of that. And again, that's you anxiously spinning out. Okay. Okay. You and your wife have to get united on how much do we owe? We're going to share a bank account. There's not your money and my money. It's our money. We're creating a home, a family. We made a human together for God's sake.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so we're going to share everything from this point forward, including our dreams, including our value systems. And that's where the hard conversation like, hey, we can't have a marriage where one person just rolls off and buys a... I mean, for God's... I texted my wife when she knew I was at Guitar Center buying guitar. I let her know, hey, I'm going to get one.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And then she sends me like a rolly eye face. But it's in the budget. You know what I mean? It's just she's annoyed by it. But I wouldn't even do that with a small purchase like that. But it speaks to a larger unity. And you've got one of you buying cars, doing whatever, and then you're up there like hoarding diapers, right? And so that just gets to this unity.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Let's be on the same page and let's work together towards a common thing. And that may be the first time either of y'all have ever seen that in your lives. And so it's new and we can help you with that, man. But do you get what I'm saying? How peaceful that would be?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So I would assume the mortgage on your rental property is not very safe. Because you don't ever know. And especially in California with the squatting laws. I mean, y'all have good tenants, and God bless you. Because those tenants can go south in a hurry. And it might be 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 2 years. You guys get tied up in court, but the bank doesn't care.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I want us to be on the same page moving forward because I want us to create an amazing home that maybe neither of us had growing up because I don't want our kid to ever have to move back in with us. Gotcha.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Pay it right now. Pay it right now, bro. What's your car worth?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Has she seen, so let's be, I want to be compassionate. Has she seen, that was dumb.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I've never owned a brand new vehicle myself. That's why you have no debt and $14,000 in a bank account. You know what I mean? You haven't made some car dealership wealthy by paying the depreciation on their vehicle for them.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so we're going to go take out a loan for the difference, or we're going to save up $5,000 real fast.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You're going to go sell that thing private party, and you're going to be upside down on it, and you're going to write the other $4,000, and you're going to be done.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And don't buy a trailer. Go get an apartment that y'all can rent and y'all can save up for a down payment on your own small starter house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
My mom worked at this company called Enron that used to do that, gave everybody a lot of stock. And I had friends who went to bed, millionaires who woke up one morning with zero dollars because all their retirement was in stock in that company. So yeah, man, if you're talking to me and George, our families, our houses, we'd sell that stock and start paying off everything we own, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Nashville might be beating you for once. Yeah, we got plenty of snow today. We got like five or six inches today. Probably, probably.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I'd much rather have two tangible assets, two homes I can go see than a company saying, no, no, no, I promise we're worth it. I'd much rather that, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So Lucas, here's the thing you need to make peace with.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have a dream. And a dream, and you've worked towards that dream, so here's what you've done. You've made choices. Yeah. What you're not doing is choosing to have peace with your choices. Yeah, I agree with that. You're the guy that got married and continues to talk to all his old ex-girlfriends. Like it doesn't own the gravity of the reality of I made a choice. I picked her.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And especially you're too rich to be holding a loan on a depreciating asset like a vehicle, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so you guys right now as a family, I mean, as a couple, y'all have picked a house on five acres. And that means y'all aren't there yet financially. Great. Make peace with it. Be frustrated and be annoyed. But what you're doing is you're making yourself crazy. And so what I want you to see is that you're making a choice to be miserable.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Now, if y'all want to go back to the well one Saturday morning over pancakes and the sun's out and it's cold and y'all are like, hey, let's swipe the table clean with this five-acre dream. If we had to go right now, is that still our dream? Great. It's awesome. And maybe y'all are like, you know what? We don't need five acres. We can go play at the public parks, dude. We want to get a house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Let's get a house right now. Okay. But right now you're working really hard towards a dream. You're way ahead of the curve. Most Americans don't have $250,000 in an account somewhere. Yeah. So I want you to focus not on the scarcity, on what we don't have. Bro, you are on your way.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, I'd be frustrated that it's so expensive to buy land. That's annoying.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, it's annoying. And I'm not going to choose misery. Now with $200,000 in the bank. Yeah. You know what I mean?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I was going to say, if you want to change your values, change your values. But right now, your value is we want five acres, and I love that. That's me and my family, too. And I'll tell you, after three or four years, my wife wanted something crazy, like cell signal.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, before we get going, I think it's important just to... Let our friends and colleagues and family members in Los Angeles just know we see it. It's a disaster, man. I'm rarely speechless and just watching some of that footage. I've got friends in Pepperdine. It's just devastating to see.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, like water to always come out of the faucets when we turned it on, right? And so who knows what's going to happen in four or five years? Or land is really a fun idea until you have two or three kids and going to the grocery store takes an hour and a half round trip.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Right, yeah. So all I have to say is, dude, I'll be in pursuit of acres until I don't live anymore. I love that dream and vision. And if that's for y'all, awesome. Just don't choose misery today because y'all are doing great, man. How old are you guys? Yeah, that's what it is.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Or you can rent a house once a year. You and your wife can go stay at a farm somewhere for an obnoxious week and then keep the dream alive. Right. And then when you got the money, you got the money and you go get your place, man. But let's don't choose misery today by just sitting there fretting and Googling and checking Zillow every five minutes. Like, don't make yourself bananas.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, get a dollar amount and work your butt off to get that. I'd rather see you working instead of Googling, right? Don't choose misery.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Today's question comes from Wanda in South Dakota. Wanda writes, Our house is paid off, but our property taxes are high, and we pay a lot in medical insurance. My husband's Social Security is around $2,000 a month, and mine is $1,600. Can you please tell us where we can invest our cash so we can live on our savings at least another 20 years?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
All right, so they have a... Can I just say this? Wanda's scared. Yeah. And also, it's not as bad as... They're in better shape than many of the calls that we get.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's what it looks like. But they have no liabilities. They paid off their house, right? And so all of that at least lets me go, okay.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
George, this makes me think stock market that she had a bunch of stocks. And maybe I'm just looking at it when I see the word stock.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Stock markets versus... A mutual fund. Mutual fund.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
In fact, I would strongly challenge somebody to create a life that is below that $3,600 a month threshold. You get no bills other than you got your utilities, you have your insurance, and then you've got your health insurance, right? Your homeowner's insurance and your health insurance. And your property taxes. Property taxes, yeah.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So I would try to build a world where we did that.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Or leave South Dakota. I mean, there's all kinds of options there. But you would suggest just put it in a...
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And let's say the last 100 years historical averages stay, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Then... It'll double every seven years at that point. Right, so when he's 78, you'll have 640, depending on what you pull, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So if behavior is a language, what's he been telling you for the last year?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's one way to think of it. I was thinking more him looking at you saying, I would rather be scared and hide than to make my new wife feel safe.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Um, is, is, is there, is there kids in this mix?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
What else is he not honest with you about? This kind of stuff doesn't happen in a vacuum.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So you're worth $5 million, free and clear, and here's the thing you have then that you don't have right now. Absolute freedom. Peace.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So have you been through an ugly divorce before? Yes, I have. So it's really common to find yourself in this situation. And when you go through an ugly divorce before, especially one that you thought was going to be forever, it's common to look in the mirror and lose trust in you. Like, what did I not see? Why did I not do this sooner? Like all that kind of stuff that comes with it.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so I guarantee you that's happening again tenfold this time.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, but he's a scam artist. He's a scam artist and a liar and doesn't tell the truth.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Have you pulled your credit to see if he's pulled anything in your name?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And they may hold you responsible for some of the tax, the joint taxes while y'all were together. So, yeah, I would get a tax attorney. And if he won't, then you need to go on your own. And I'm sorry that this has happened to you yet again. What a mess.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I think the new wealth... Moving forward in the 21st century, George, is can you fall asleep on your pillow at night? I think the new status of wealth, like Dave used to say, it's not the BMW. I think the new status of wealth is nobody owns me and my family. Me and my family have freedom. We've got peace. And, man, I don't care how little or how big your salary is. Solve for that, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
uh 325 i believe it is so um let's pretend you get paid on the 15th if you took the four thousand dollars from your savings and y'all had four grand because y'all bring home what 10 or 11 grand a month you had four grand left and you ran it and you're done with a car in one month now you've just dumped 325 bucks back in the system okay on top of the money you were already throwing
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
he was saying it there and i think it's important you know like i always tell people you got to choose your heart right being 100 pounds overweight is a hard way to live it's hard and losing 100 pounds is incredibly hard it's so it's not a matter of one's easier or not like it's just choosing your heart similar here it is terrifying to go to one thousand dollars in your savings account like that's terrifying
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
It's also terrifying to wake up every single day and know we are $50,000, $60,000, $70,000, $150,000 from multiple different angles. These guys will take our house. Those guys will take our car. They'll take our insurance. So you're just choosing your fear. Which one do you want to have?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Do you want to have an acute fear of, oh my gosh, we only have $1,000 and we've got to hustle and get this thing done? Or do you want that grinding, low-level hum, that fear that never goes away, that you don't even... get a say in your own life. Like, man, I'm out. But you're just using your fear.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, who doesn't have any clothes on.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah. No, I love it when someone's like, okay, what I'm doing is not working. Help. Right? And that's one of my favorite phone calls to make when I call buddies about workout programs or nutrition or something. Okay, what I'm doing is not working. I need some help. And I love that, man, because that's usually when people can say, all right, I got you.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
She's about to go through divorce, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So it's one of those things you feel helpless sitting this far away and you're watching on your TV or watching on your phone. But... What we can offer right now is to let people know they're not alone. We see it in our thoughts, and we're praying for you guys big time.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Make a declaration in front of America, Dan. You're going to do it today.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. George, can you take the mandatory distribution and turn around and buy a new Roth with it?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Just flip it around and do it again.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
It's just a choice you make today. You get what I'm saying?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Right. Can I do that? And then here's what y'all will do. Y'all will figure out the romance, the sex and intimacy, the dates, the fun. Y'all will figure out your life over the next four years and how to have fun and laughter and joy and friends over and potlucks and whatever. And then you're going to suddenly find yourself with no mortgage four years in. And then the whole world opens up.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You get what I'm saying? I think a lot of times people go crazy the first two years. They put everything on their credit card. They go bananas. They buy all the fancy stuff. And then they realize, oh, we spent a lot of time on external stuff and we didn't take the time to have to do the hard work internally.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You guys, if y'all flip that around and you're just intentional, like we're not going to have any money because we're going to put it all on the mortgage and we're going to make a run at this thing. Dude, that would rule. Dude, no mortgage at 30. I can't even wrap my head around that.