Dr. John Delony
Appearances
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Dr. John Deloney, welcome to the show. My man, Chris. How are you? Thanks for the, dude, I'm fantastic. I love being back in Texas where I was born and raised, man. It's good. Are you adjusting?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Cut me off if you heard me talk about this. It was after book number two comes out. So I grew up in a house. We didn't have a lot, right? And money was electric. It was always a sense of tension. Always, always, always, always. And the book comes out. My wife and I, she was raised by teachers. My dad was a policeman and then he became a minister. A lot of authority. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
My therapist, when I walked in, I was like, but as a competent minister, she was like getting the lake.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We've got lots of work. Very happy. But both of us come with not a lot. Right. And so then you find yourself in this wild new world. Right. Where of abundance. Don't know psychology for it. I'm downstairs. My family has come and they've been with maybe seven to 10 days too long. And they know it. I know it. It's that strange, like, it'd be good if y'all left.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And they're like, we'd be good if we left. And it's just that awkward. They leave. I've got COVID as they're leaving. And then I'm working out in the gym in my basement. My manager calls and he says, Hey, you know, those two speaking event gigs that we were hoping to land, you got a second. And the way he called, I was like, ah, man, we didn't get it. He calls and starts yelling into the phone.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We got him. And I start yelling because these were the last two, like transformational financially for me. And I start cheering. I start yelling. Yeah. My wife comes downstairs into the basement. She's like, what are you yelling about? And I was like, wake up. I'm going to speak at this thing and this thing.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And she's very stoic, West Texas woman, like just will withdraw and wait till things are calm. She didn't do that. She came forward this time and she got this close, which is not how she does conflict. And she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. And I'm gaunt, I'm exhausted, I'm sweaty, I'm sick, I'm people out and I'm cheering.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And then she said this, she said, the pie piece, the pie chart of how much I love you And the pie piece for how much money you make is full. And then she said, we have enough. And she turned and walked away. And I angrily was like, what the hell is enough? And it was psychology for it. And I didn't understand what does that mean when someone just says, no, no, no, no. I picked you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
The joke in our house is she bought real low on me, right? Like she bought when the stock was really low on me. Yeah. She's like, I picked you and this is cool. This is awesome. But I picked you. And at part of the exchange, she was like, you can go do your speaking events. I told you when I married you, I would never tell you now. Go do it. This is for your ego. This is not for us.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
and I got hot, but then I went straight to the therapist's office. But we ended up in this moment, she said, I want you to take your fist and put it in your chest and say the words to me, I love this man. And that was the first time I was like, oh, I'm over my head, I'm stuck. I couldn't say the word, I couldn't do that act. And in front of another grown woman, I could not say, I love this guy.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And then I was like, I got a problem, right? I'm asking the world to give me something that I won't honor myself to give myself. It's tough. It's tough. How did you work through that? Very, very slowly. Very slowly. Yeah. It sounds obscene to think I've got to practice, but I have to practice saying you're a good dad. Yeah. This sounds cheesy. I carry this with me.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
This is like when the thoughts pop in, like your kids would be better off if you were at home right now. No, they wouldn't. They're doing great. Right? It's that negative self-talk and just resetting that.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I appreciate that. I wanted so badly to be the Heuermann of mental health and of relationships. And early on, it was very clear, that's not why people want to talk to you. They've never seen a big, tall, loud, tattooed-up Texan talk to that mother who just blew her life up, like, compassionately.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Challenge your thoughts, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
i've got like punch the bully it repeats every three hours throughout the day um journaling practice anyway it's been really interesting um but talking about i didn't find that as useful i cbt is obviously it's the it's the gold standard i found the act the app acceptance and commitment instead of challenging the thoughts so much just letting them walk by
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or letting them be that guy at the table that always, you always know that guy. Everybody has that friend. And you've spoken. I appreciate it. I'm going to move on. That's interesting. It keeps me from going to war with myself. Otherwise, I stay in constant conflict with myself. And that gets exhausting for me.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think in our strange little weird ecosystem that we live in, there's a lot of people that know about stuff. and they've just never sat with hurting people, right? There's a lot of theories and a lot of ideas, but, man, you can hear somebody who's actually sat with somebody who just lost a child, and there's a different level of compassion, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Hmm. Yeah. That's powerful.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's a huge, that's a huge welcome, Matt.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Well, If you're doing it because you think it's going to feel some way on the back end, that's the tale of all this time, right? That's the great, that's the Jim Carrey speech, right? I wish everyone could become Reggie famous and see it's not going to fix it. Yeah, it's nonsense.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think the alternative that we've got the last 15, 20 years is, well, I'm just going to opt out and play video games. And that's a recipe for disaster too. I think we, you know, Michael Easter's book, The Comfort Crisis, which I think is a masterpiece. I think we have a culture that's allergic to discomfort. And so I think that tension is, that's where joy is.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's where meaning is, is I'm enough and I can hold that loosely enough so that I can hit that guy real hard. Mm-hmm. They had a breakdown on ESPN the other day of Alex Piera. And they talk about how hard he hits, that it's otherworldly. And they had an interview with a referee. He's like, the sound it makes when he hits another human is different.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I just thought, man, can you imagine me not do that? But they say it comes from how calm he is. Right. His ability to stay at until he uncorks. And my coach used to always say like, dude, you're like a bear. You're like so tense all the time and it takes away. And so I think if men knew, oh, she loves me no matter what.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
that actually drives that anchor deep into the concrete so you can repel off the edge and go do something bananas. And it sounds counterintuitive.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Let me know I'm anchored. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
What about moms? Yes, moms too. But I failed as a dad in this moment. I'll just write myself a note.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
God almighty, dude. It's wild. It's wild.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Oh my gosh, yes, of Boys and Men.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
What if, as a society, we just...
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Dude, let me tell you this. So my wife, um, she was a research professor. She quit her job for, she's like, man, it sounds strange, especially for her. I think I want to stay at home and have kids. And that was just like, Like, who are you? What have you done with my wife? It was amazing. We talked through it. It was awesome. And gets pregnant, miscarriage number one.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like, I've got a buddy who lives, what, five hours west of here. His name's John, too. He was Fat John. I was Hyper John. And back in the day, dude would always leave cans out everywhere. Always, always, always, always. This single worst text responder in human history. It doesn't matter. A guy cannot respond to a text. It's phenomenal.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Not one time have I ever left his house and thought, leaving cans out. What is he trying to say about our friendship? Not one time. He doesn't respond. Not one time have I thought, does he not love me? What does this mean for us? Not once. He's my friend. That guy stood in front of me. and throwing punches on my behalf, literally. He's opened up his house to me for decades. He's my friend, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And, but I don't give my wife that, what do these towels mean, right? Or like, what is happening in this house? Like, oh, there's a dish in the dishwasher. What is she trying to tell me? Yeah. And we make this huge character assassination. It's madness. So I think what's happening on the internet is a magnification of what happens in our own homes. We're so unsure of ourselves.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We walk around with these glasses on trying to find where everybody else has holes so we can be like, yep, yep, yep, yep. And that's the way we try to prop ourselves up to say, I've got value too, right? I can get value by burning everybody to the ground inside my own house.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's it. That's it. Instead of exhaling, saying, when I walk in the door and there's a pile of towels, good God, what must have her day been like? I just pick up the towels. Or when I walk into John's house, I just pick up the cans. Or when he finally texts me back, right? Like, hey, what's up? I'm like, yeah, I'm happy to hear from him, man. He's one of my best friends. So it's a madness.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
people regularly get into relationships with partners that they feel like they need to fix yeah i think that old that old adage in in marriage therapy is true you marry your unfinished business i think the the way i would describe it is your nervous system puts little gps pins in there when you're a kid and you're constantly asking why doesn't that man love me he's supposed to and
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or why is this shiny little box more important than me? Or why did my mom pick up that bottle of wine and not pick up me? And you constantly are trying to solve that loop. And man, you get older and your body repeats what it knows and you go in and try to solve that situation again. And you do it again.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I was just talking to somebody outside of the grocery store just a minute ago about the same exact thing. Your body just goes in and tries to solve it again and solve it again. And you got to get outside that loop. Otherwise, you just repeat it and you repeat it and you repeat it. Because over time, you realize, The seven-year-old's not the problem. Seven-year-old's never the problem.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Gets pregnant, miscarriage number two. Then miscarriage number three. No way. But it was an ectopic pregnancy. And it ruptured, right? And so she's a really strong, tough West Texas woman. And she sits in that living room and says, I'm not doing this. It's not happening again. Which, you know, I mean, she almost died in our living room. Well, here's the thing.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or you learned to sing and dance and get it, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I remember one of the coolest things about going back to grad school as an old man is I had to do a practicum again. And I was working with this brilliant psychologist named Dr. Michael Gomez. And I remember we were sitting with these kids that had some pretty remarkable trauma. And one of the kids was making straight A's.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And during a debrief, I said, he's like, all right, who's going to struggle here? Where do we go? And I said, this one's going to be okay. And I said, why? And he goes, well, he's performing well. He's doing grades. He's making great grades. And he said something that has rattled me since. He said, straight A's can be a trauma response too, John. And you can burn a building down.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
You will be, kids will find a way to be seen or they'll find a way to hide. They'll find a way to stay safe. And they'll nuzzle up against you. So I, I think kids are always trying to solve and yeah, there's some that have to survive on just sips of oxygen, right. Through a straw, but others will be really good on that T-ball field band. Cause that makes my dad exhale.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
After miscarriage one, and especially number two, lucky for her, she was married to a guy working on his second PhD. And I was also a crisis, God, the word that gives me hemorrhoids expert. And so I would show up in the community to sit with people who had lost their And dude, I rubbed her nose in my charts, in my graphs, in my answers. And then this happened.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
So a close friend of mine who's suffered unimaginable loss. I show up with my son who was four at the time. We go to the ER. They're wheeling her back. And when you show up at crisis scenes, it's hard to describe. There can be blood on the wall and bodies, but you make eye contact with other responders and you know the scene's safe. You know it seems placid.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. ,,,,,,, ,,,,,,,
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And then there's something we call crazy eyes. You look across and it's like, oh, this scene's still live. Like there might be a shooter still here, right? And you can see it. And I walked in and I made eye contact with the head of the OBGYN out at Texas Tech Medical Center. And I remember holding my son's hand saying, oh, this is it. This is the last time I see her. And they wheel her off.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I text somebody to come pick my son up. I go to this little room that's about this big.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
buddy of mine a west texas rancher who's a children's author walks in hat everything he's taller than me he nods i say nothing he says nothing he sits by me 30 minutes one hour one and a half hours two hours then the physician busts in the door holding the like a ipad thing and she says you lost the baby but your wife's okay
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Right. I remember that to the day I die. Yeah. Cause it meant something. It was a shared experience and kind of like standup comedy. I've become obsessed over the last few years, man. I just obsessed. I live around the corner from a club in Nashville and I kind of go too much. I love it. But that and music, it's got a pretty tight feedback loop to it.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's one of the last bastions of human connection.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's the Wolf of Wall Street, DiCaprio's character. It looks like he's... He's addicted to the deal. I don't think he was. I think he was addicted to the room cheering. Yeah. You know what I mean? To that celebration. And the deal gets you that, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Come to Nashville, please. It's booked.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I exhaled in this rancher who hadn't spoken other than, hey, he reaches over and grabs my shoe. And I look over at him and he starts crying tears. I don't even have yet. But the important thing is he said no words. And it didn't matter. And in a culture that we won't shut up, Chris, when your friend has a breakup, God. Golly, dude, the last thing they need is all of your theories and answers.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like, careful what you wish for. Comes at a cost, man, yeah. Especially on your own. Yeah, there's always a trade. There's always a trade.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Talk to me about fulfillment. And I think sometimes that's the model you have. I think sometimes I'm not worth my needs being fulfilled. Sometimes I don't even know what that would feel like if my needs were fulfilled. And so kind of what you talked about earlier, I'm just going to keep expanding what my needs need to be because my need is actually seeing you, how high you can jump.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And it just keeps expanding, expanding. But I think for most of us, we don't have a model of what it looks like. our moms and dads, if you look at the demographics across, like there was only one parent in the house or they were co-managers of the house and even like each other. Right. And I've got no picture of what someone who actually loves me and is connected with me and quote unquote needs.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Uh, and by the way, I've been struggling lately and love to get your thoughts on this. I've been struggling with the idea of needs. Uh, uh, because I think needs have turned modern relationships into a very parasitic relationship. And I think beneath that, a more vulnerable, scary question to ask is what I want.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think it's easy if I lob a need grenade at you, I need you to do these things, this, this, this, this, and this, versus, man, I really want you to X, Y, and Z. Because one of those, I kind of take out the, I need this. And if you don't do this, then you're not performing. Or I really want you. Do you want me to? Do you see me? Oh, that's lovely.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And so I think most of us are so terrified at asking the want question of ourselves and of our partner that we cast it all as needs. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
If you deny my needs, you're an ass.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
If you deny my wants... Because you might not want one. That's different. One of the most common questions I get from married men is, I just want her... I just want more sex, right? I want more sex. I want better sex, et cetera. But they come at it with, I need more sex. But if you need something, then it goes on the chore list, along with the diapers and the this, and I got to clean the kitchen.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Which is unbelievably sexy. I'll get you off, and then I'm going to go to bed, right? Right. A way more terrifying question for a modern male is to a wife with two kids and it's exhausting and you're both working full time. I want you. Do you want me? And if you don't, we need to have that conversation. What would, what would desire look like? That's a scarier conversation, man.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And there are basic needs. So I don't want to throw out the baby with the bathwater, but I think most of this comes down to wants.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah. Or we don't have a psychology for being wrong. I think you've talked about this on another show that I listened to. Yeah. Before I went to college, I went to this very well-meaning Texas church camp. And they took us 18-year-old guys in a room and they were like, the world's going to destroy you. So write down right now what your non-negotiables for your life partner will be.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Write them down right now because they're going to get watered down and the edges rubbed off. It's going to be bad.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Your 10 non-negotiables. Gotcha. I'm 26 years with the same person, the same woman. And I think she had two of the 10 and one of them was be a pretty girl, right? Like be a beautiful woman. And so it's what, when I say I want something so often, My manager, that's his job, is to be like, you don't want that. Like, I really want this. You don't want that, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And well, oh my gosh, let's Google it. That's catastrophic. They just need to sit there and bring tacos, bring a bottle of wine or bring whatever you got in the fridge. You know what I mean? And we don't have a culture of presence. We have a culture of answers, of talking. So what I've learned over the years, what do you say to a mother whose kid is dead in that room right there?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And we don't have a psychology for being wrong. We just are so led around the nose by our feelings. I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel. And man, I can get what I want when I cast it in the form of a need. You have to meet it.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Man, if you had to fight and scratch and claw and sing and dance in a third grade math class to get your mom to look you in the eye, you don't think you're worthy of a want. You know what I mean? If you had to sing and dance on a soccer field for your dad to pat you on the back, no eye contact, of course, but just pat you on the back, you don't think you're worthy of wanting anything.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Everything has to be a need.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, we were cast in movies. We didn't even know we were in and we got in trouble for not knowing the lines, right? Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, that's a great question. I think there's a practical aspect to this, and then I think there's a relational aspect to this. If there's a very real... The data's pretty clear that, you know, more women file for divorce, but women's net worth often plummets, right? And so there's a very real economic consequence.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
So if you're married to somebody, if you're living with somebody, and, you know, I got to get out of this thing, there's a very real math problem you have to solve, right? And that's unfortunate and it's scary and the social services are pretty tough, but there's a very real question.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so I think there's a math problem there. Not to say stay together for the math, right? I haven't seen that bumper sticker, but there's a very real reality to this. The other side of it is I know for most of us, when emotions are a sign, especially strong emotions, are a sign that your body's trying to protect you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
but she'll remember that hug, right? She'll remember that exhale and that will get her to the next gulp of air, to the next gulp of air, right? There's just no words, man. And so the more I've been sitting with hurting people, I'm finding myself talking less and less and less and less.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And when your body's trying to protect you, you're not thinking. And so for me, it's been very important to have a couple of men in my life that I outsource some of these things to.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
i'm gonna sit down with you make sure i'm seeing this thing clearly because here's what i'm feeling and it's been more than once in my life when i sit down with a few of my old 30 year plus ride or die buddies and i'm like she's doing this and this and this and they're like have you looked in a mirror man and they're able to see something right no no warrior goes into battle without eyes in the sky and so i think um i often are in our in our
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Lone Ranger cowboy world we live in, man. It's... You got to know all this by yourself. And so I'm constantly telling people, dude, go get a cup of coffee with somebody and just exhale. And then tell them what's going on. And they may say, hey, there's a common thing on my show. Someone will call and be like, my sex life screwed up. We have only had sex twice last year. It's a disaster.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's falling apart. And then 10 minutes into the conversation, it's like, well, we have a five-year-old, a three-year-old, a one-year-old, and she's pregnant. I'm like, bro, hang up the phone and call me back. Like... You'll have survival sex. Y'all are figuring this thing out. Like, you're not broke and it's okay, right? But that's just, you just need somebody to sit with you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But when it comes to courage and bravery, I think at some point we have to head into the discomfort. I mean, that's all the, that's all Judd Brewer stuff on anxiety, right? You got to head into it. The thing that you're scared about and anxious about.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And, uh, that's one of my, when someone says, Hey, should I break up with them? I'm thinking about this. I always say, absolutely. You should break up with them. And I just watch. And if their shoulders drop, if their face drops, that may be the right move.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Because they've got a sense of relief. If they tense up like, no, no, no, no.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Correct. Novelty. Yeah. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah, except that I don't know that... I mean, it takes two to tango, right? But I think that makes... suffering the, the inevitable outcome. And I remember when my wife and I were sitting across the table, uh, like the message I sent to her, cause we weren't speaking was no, no, no crying, no fighting, no screaming. And this was self-directed. I'm the emotional one.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
What's the alternative to trash can? Rubbish.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Um, we got to, we got to say, are we still doing this? Is it like, cause the marriage we've had up to now is over. Like, are we going to keep doing this? And, but I remember that conversation when we both came to the realization we have both mutually chosen a miserable marriage. And the beauty is we can choose a not miserable one.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think that agency of choice has been taken away by a culture of disempowerment. So I think the idea of like, it's either bail or suffer in silence. I think that's a, that is, I don't think it's that binary. I think you can also both be like, dude, we chose suck. And I chose, I did something, whoever you may be. I stepped out on the marriage. I gambled a bunch of money away.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like I did an extra bad thing, if you want to frame it like that. We can both choose something different. And that to me is a, it's not on the table anymore. But if you look past, the same thing happens relationally. Those who stick it out and they choose something different, choose something magnanimous, which is very on Romeo and Juliet, right? You're supposed to just be star-crossed lovers.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's stupid. It's nonsense. You choose it and you keep choosing it and you keep choosing it. man, you see people who've been through hell and they're on the other side, that's the goofy guys that have real short shorts on and no business wearing that short of shorts at the beach and they don't care, right? Because she loves them, right? And it's a different kind of depth that love.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I did it last night. with my daughter she nine years old man she's got a supernatural ability she knows where every single hidden button buttons i didn't even know i had she just knows and she screaming and hollering and yelling and doing her nine-year-old stuff and started to walk away and i literally went downstairs to head out the door with the dog to go for a walk and i stopped
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
This is that moment. That's when Arthur Brooks is ringing in my head. And you turn around, you walk back in. And I went and climbed into bed with her. And my wife's reading a book. And I just climbed. She shoves me out of the way. I move. And then within 30 seconds, you hear her breathing different. And then she reaches over and grabs your hand. And that's what dads do.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Emotionally immature children run off. Dads go right through it.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's my inner seven-year-old. That's right. Dude. It may have been. It may have been Sal DiStefano that I called recently and was like, hey, I'm having a disagreement with my 14-year-old. And he just started dying laughing. He goes, I was going to stop you right there. And I was like, what am I doing? And I was like, I'll call you. No, it was Lane Norton. I called him.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I was like, hey, I'm arguing with my 14-year-old. And he goes, how about I just stop you right there? And I was like, oh. What do I do? Right. I use for a living. It happens. Yeah. Right. That's fucking funny. And then you roll it off and you move on. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I think the illusion, though, is it's going to feel a certain way. Right. When, if I get what I want, that suddenly it's going to extrinsically fill that gap in my chest. And I think when, when you, I remember telling my counselor recently, my therapist recently, I just want to feel what I know. And that was a heavy sentence that I'd never said before.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But it's like, I know these things to be true, but I want to be able to feel them here. Right. And that becomes the word getting from here to here.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's it. And that's somebody who only knows that because they've been hurt too. Right. Like, don't say anything. I'll just sit here with you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
So my wife's way of asking that question, we were sitting at that table, was one hand on the table like, how do you want this house to feel when you walk in every day? And dude, I vomited. I was like, dude, I want you to want that. I'm here. I want you to be happy that I'm here. I want my daughter to come running at me.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like she had a daddy, daddy, daddy with like a, like a, a inside of a wrapping paper roll. I'm always in this sword fight with her. I don't even know him. Right. I want my son making fart noise. Like I want the house to feel warm. She's like, okay, then you can't bring that last meeting in here. And you got to work out.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And you and I both know when you eat like this and this and this, we get the downstream grumpy dad three days later. And it became a very, but it became that, how do you want this place to feel when you walk in the room?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And let's reverse engineer that. Who the fuck's your wife? She's Yoda, dude. Yeah. She's Yoda.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Punk rock mosh pit if it wasn't for me, so there you go. Very important. We each bring our pieces to the relationship.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
powerful dude what a gift what else what else so shut up yeah one of the first things that you should do when trying to help somebody that's going through stuff what else um yeah i think that sounds easy in theory but i think that what else happens before i have to do my own work that i believe i'm worthy of the space i'm gonna hold with you right so i gotta show up okay
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We've got an allergy to grief in our culture. Like that's a natural process. We used to have a room in the house called the parlor. where the body would rest for two to three to four days before it was buried. And now we outsource that and we call it the living room.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I think it was Southern Living that declared it in the early 1900s, like it's no longer the parlor, it's now the living room, right? But we've just plucked grief out of our lives. Just this reality that things don't always work out. And we had a collective group of people. You sat in the home with a dead relative right there, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That was just a part of the grieving process and the body's got ways out. that you begin to breathe again and somebody shows up with food and somebody shows up with food and somebody shows up with food and right. It's like being at the beach and it feels like you're drowning, but you stand up and the water's just only three feet deep. Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And we've just, so if you leave a long-term relationship, dude, the number of students that would come into my office and be like, Hey, I'm depressed. My dad just moved out of my mom. And I always like, Maybe you're clinically depressed, but I bet you're sad. And they didn't have a psychology for that. Like, we don't do that. That's a thing we solve. We solve for sad.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Like, no, man, that's a basic human emotion. Let's just be sad. Like your family broke up. Your dad left. Let's sit in that. And so if you lose an important relationship, man, Your body's working right if it wants you just to stay under the covers for a while. Your body's working right if you don't want to go out.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Your body's working right if you don't, like, if you're like wondering, am I lovable? That's not something to be solved, man. That's something to just sit with. And if you don't have people in your life, man, your body's going to spin out on you, dude, because it knows it can't carry that burden alone. It is. We have to have a place for grief, for being sad.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I think in our current world, the only way to do it is to be what looks radical, right? I'm going to block people. I'm going to delete people. I'm going to take my phone off. I'm going to have a group of people that are going to come to my house every night for two weeks. I'm going to play stupid board games. Something stupid, right? Or whatever.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I'm going to give myself permission to not go out for a month because I'm tired. I just feel dry. Like, man... That's called just honoring the system, man. You know what I mean? It's honoring the system. Because you're going to duct tape over that thing. In counseling, we call it leakage. It'll find a way out. And it usually finds a way out at an inopportune time.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or you can honor it and invite somebody to sit in there with you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Rage. saying the words, if they would just, and I don't even care what the, I don't even care who and what you're talking about. If they would just... The guy in the car next to you. Doesn't even matter. If they would just... Yeah, if you start making up imaginary stories about people... Like the, I hear from most folks across the country that happens in the shower.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
You start having imaginary conversations with people that you'll never have in real life. If I see Chris again, dude, I'm going to tell that dude that you're never going to do that. It's your body just trying to spin up. Brene Brown calls it dress rehearsing tragedy. When you are just constantly in a loop of planning the next sword fight that you're going to just do the super move at the end, man.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And your body doesn't know the difference, man. So it goes to war in the shower. You ever done that? You step out and you come out of your bedroom and your partner's in there and you're mad. And they have no idea. And they're just eating. You're like, how can you just be eating? You just had a 15 minute argument with you. Dude. And I, by the way, I crushed you in that argument. It's insane.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Where you see your boss the next day after a night of like, I'm going to tell you, you're not going to tell him anything. Right. So it's when you go into solution solving mode, uprage, fighting, running, hiding, man, we broke up. We had plans. I'm going to sit here. Hey, this is going to be weird.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Most of the people, I say most of the people who get diagnosed with cancer, who lose a loved one, who lose a pregnancy, et cetera, they'll tell you they found themselves responsible for making sure everybody else was okay. And don't text somebody, how's it going?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Will you come over to my house, bring tacos, and I'm not going to talk to you because it's going to be weird. So I'm just going to sit here. We're going to play video games, right? You can watch a stupid game with me. I'm going to a show. I bought two tickets. We're going to the show. No asking me about so-and-so, but we're just going to go. You're too old to be moshpitting, John. I know.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
We're going anyway, right? And it's just honoring. You're supposed to be sad. It's supposed to be sad. And then if you wake up 90 days later and it becomes, you're skipping work, you need to call somebody, right? That's when it becomes a pathology. You got to call somebody.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's completely irrelevant. Yeah. All diagnosis is the DSM was a symptom of cluster. I mean, a cluster of symptoms, right? That's it. It's totally devoid of context. The point being? You should be not sleeping or you should be sleeping all day. You should not be able to control your thoughts or have just fog in your head. Correct. All those things are right. Your dad died. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
you really want to know how's it going right and i'm going to text that back to you um bring food show up and i mean i think it's it's action it's action it's action it's action i'm gonna go mow your lawn and i trust you to tell me to stop i'm gonna keep sending tacos and you may have 5 000 tacos they may go straight to the trash can um but you're gonna you're gonna know when the fog lifts you were loved you were cared yeah you're cared for
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Thank you. Thank you. . . . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P,實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a in
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
done badly kind of ends up being a like a highlighter girl from school who has a very well organized ring binder of what she was doing that day yeah for me it becomes like a weekly report for a business correct what did i do yeah what was my what was my up or down yeah yeah it's a pnl it's exactly right uh a buddy of mine's going to a retreat right now and his wife reached out and said hey would you the retreat director ask for a few of his closest friends to write a letter
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I don't know what he'll get from that letter, but I tell you what, it was, it really was transformative for me. It was so much so that my 14 year old comes bebopping in just, you know, in his underwear and like, Hey dad, like I said, Hey, I want you to read this. I'm going to read this to you out loud. This is me. This is a letter I'm writing to my friend.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I want him to hear what his dad, that his dad's got adult male friends like this. And it was cool for him to hear that. And at the end he was like, cool dad. Like, and you know, I don't care. I just have to hope it's downloading. So it was like, I had this big spiritual moment and he's like, all right, he's upside down on my, on that little teeter thing, just hanging there. Um,
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But man, it lifted my spirits to know, oh, I got a friend that good. I got a friend that good, man. And so maybe that's an important exercise, but it takes you back, right? He's the guy I called when my wife went into labor. I don't know what to do, man. He's the guy who I called when I thought I was going to get let go from a job.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
He's the guy I called before the very first parent I had to tell their kid died. I called him because I'd heard him do it before. And I was like, I want to make sure I'm doing this right. And he said, you're doing it right. Don't ever call me again. You got this, right? And that kind of blessed me. That everyone wants from their dad, right? And so it was... But it took me back to those moments.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Just you're remembering those moments. And man... But that was me writing him a note, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
It's like, that's like spray painting your, your dashboard. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
like that doesn't make you tough on your cool texas pickup truck just spray painted black i don't need these gauges what a moron that's dumb you're gonna ride a gas and get a wreck yeah right and also if you drive constantly looking at your dashboard you're gonna crash too right gosh man i just don't i don't i don't get in you're in this world more than me i i just i don't understand the um
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
This is my first one. This is my live review. Cherry popper. That's outstanding. That's outstanding. Well done, man. Thank you. Well done.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
The tribal disassociation from reality. It's just so strange. I don't... Look... It's bananas.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Because I wonder from that. Perhaps it's some sort of like... Is it so like insanely sensational that it becomes... You get what I'm saying?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Huh. That's a fantastic frame. I've always thought that the way the internet has taken Gaga's message and spit it out, it makes it look like a running Rocky IV montage. Correct.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Yeah. But it's happening in his life, but everybody likes Rocky. You would not have liked that workout. It was cold, man. No one would have stuck it out. But it looks cool with the music.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
A few years ago, I joined a, like just a local, you gotta be kidding me, like church league basketball. And my knees were like, no, bro, we had a deal. We're going to stop. And yeah, it was two surgeries worth, man. But like we had a contract, but I was like, no, no, I can be 19 again.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Or marriage, right? You get out of the divorce and you try to date at the level of the marriage you just left.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Hey, before we kick off, can I ask you a question?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I got two questions for you. Okay. So, uh, um, your ability over the last few years to dig in at the, what I would seriously call the doctoral level at evolution psychology. Tell me about that. Like, I'm just thinking of you as one of my grad students. Like it's been phenomenal to watch, uh, Thank you.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I don't know, I guess... And that's not me blowing smoke, because I'll bait and switch here in a second, but tell me about that.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But think of the world we've set up. Dr. Joyner, he's out of Florida State. He writes really eloquently on suicide. Right. And one of the three legs of the stool is, when you're doing a suicide assessment, is perceived burdensomeness.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I really adore the neuroscience stuff, but... So what is... Can you point to something that EP has given you in terms of... It's a self-serving question. Like, if you exhale and say, okay, here's what this has given me in my day-to-day life over the last four years of just swan diving into this... Because your grasp of it is profound. What is the insight and the knowledge given you?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But look at the world we've built. Like, I'm not going to ask you to take me to the airport. I'll just Uber. I'm not going to ask you, can I borrow some eggs and sugar? I'm just going to like Instacart or whatever. And I think the meta narrative is my presence is a burden too. And if you guys, it's the air we breathe.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I'll have to think about that. I like that a lot. That's good. One more question. And you can say, I don't want to talk about this and that's fine. I've been wrestling with the weight. And so when I think of not weight physically, but weight of the jobs we have, and when I go back to like an EP mindset, There's no way, and you're at like X's and X's above where I'm at.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
There's no way we've got the cognitive or the physical wiring to hold this.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
right and so i'm wondering if things like anxiousness or depressive symptoms or a need there's just kind of a path there's a path i'm watching people like head down spiritual paths i'm watching folks wrestle with autoimmune disorder like i'm wondering how much of this is there's there's there's a huckster on every corner saying here's why you feel this way here's why you feel this way i'm wondering if there's not something on the squat bar there's just so much weight
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And I don't have a, I don't have a, it's just a hypothesis I'm wrestling with that at some point, every body, every physical and body body has a different program for how do we, like some people shake, some people just throw the bar off. Some people try to do it anyway. And they, you know, they blow their knees out.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Um, if there's something in Chris's body, that's saying this thing's gotten really heavy. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good question.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Your discussion, the one podcast I just picked up, you had a really eloquent discussion, and I know you don't like talking about it, but I was really captivated by just wrestling with the weight of somebody going to war, with their body going to war with them, right?
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
But that way it can sell you a cure.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
that everyone i'm gonna bother people even and now every relationship we have is transactional and your experience is man it's very common that you wake up and the only people in your life are on your payroll or on somebody's payroll and like y'all are on on the same payroll and man that your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night because it knows you're lonely Right.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
No, there's not a psychology for what if I'm not needed. It's not restful.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The same thing.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's fantastic. Or that Chris is a guy worth taking care of. Chris is a guy worth feeling good, yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's fantastic, man. What a gift. Thanks for sharing that with us, man. I appreciate it. It's awesome.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
They want to check out all of the stuff you do. I co-host the Ramsey Show with Dave Ramsey, talking about money. And then I got my Dr. John Deloney show. It's an old Dr. Laura show. People call in mental health and marriage problems and we get them solved. It's awesome.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
No. The fear I have is when you don't have jujitsu and when you don't have... I remember, dude, training at MMA gym, dude. That's the most eclectic, wacky group of people that had a shared mission that all got together. You've selected for a group that want to be punched in the face. Yeah, but there's also like a male nurse and this guy doesn't have a job at all. And this guy's a dean of students.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
I mean, it was a random group of people. No, the problem with only having friends at work is if something ever doesn't work out there, you find yourself on an island in a moment when you need people. And so if you get let go, if you have a problem at work, then you also have a problem everywhere else in your life.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
That's it. That's it, man. And you sit there like, yeah, it's hot. Yeah.
Modern Wisdom
#920 - Dr John Delony - Why Do We Date People That Need Fixing?
And usually that is, y'all have kids in the same age. And then when that kid moves up, yeah, the tether gets pulled on everything.
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If just a fraction of you guys would just hit the subscribe button, it would be rad. So please hit the subscribe button, hit the like and the five-star reviewy thing or whatever. Let the overlords know, the tech guys, the tech bros, that you dig this show. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Heather. What's up, Heather?
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Oh, sweet. All right. What's going on?
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I'm doing great, sister. How are you?
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You got it. So what's up?
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Cannonball. Let's do it.
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All right. Tell me more.
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Your husband did? Or your ex? Yes. Okay. Yes. What was the nature of the stroke? Was it debilitating?
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Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Well, you never really got divorced. True. You signed the papers. Right. But you still love and care about this guy. You're almost like 50% wife and 50% mother. So let me ask you this. What do you... What does this relationship bring you? What are you getting from this relationship? Because it's easy to say, I have to do this because of him, him, him, him, him.
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Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And the way you painted the picture, he is making some astonishing choices. He's choosing to not move and be around his family. He's choosing to not be around some of his closest buddies on the planet. He's choosing to live in a house that's, I'm assuming your name is still on the deed of that house?
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Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
But whose house is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So you gave it to him free and clear?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay, so you gave him a home seven doors down. And so all these things are choices that he's making. And so let me ask you, what are you getting from this? And there's not a wrong answer. I just want you to consider and be honest about, okay, here's what I'm getting from this relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
But it sounds like you still love this guy. Why'd y'all get divorced?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So y'all weren't sleeping together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. Yet you've kept up a sexless marriage, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So when you say a great stepdad to your son, your son was 27 at the time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So he was a buddy to your son?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Like just an adult male friend?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. I would suggest that the greatest thing a step-parent can do for step-kids, and I don't know if he would qualify as a step-kid at 28, but I'll just go with it, would be to really treat his mother well. Right. I hear that a lot. They're like, man, he's a really great dad to my kids. We just don't like each other anymore. And it's like, no, no, no, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Being a really great dad is figuring out that part, right? But here we are. I guess here's the thing. I think your friends are right. You are still loving and caring and inviting and hanging out with and neighboring with your husband, your ex-husband. Right. And so it will be very strange for somebody else to enter into that, uh, to be a third wheel into that relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I guess the question I ask you, do you want to date again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Are you going to the club? Like, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay. So I guess this is something to not think about. But I would consider you being honest with yourself. From the outside, you're still married. You just live seven houses down. Right. Let me put it this way. You are playing all sides of the fence. It's like there's four houses that back up to each other and there's four different backyards. And all their fences make like an X, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Like make a cross at some point. And you have one arm in one backyard, one arm in the other backyard, one leg in one leg. And you're just straddling this fence. You're kind of his wife. You are kind of on the market. You're kind of married. And you're kind of not. And so you've got a whole bunch of different boats in the water, but you don't have both feet in any of them. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Here's what I'm promising you is going to happen. You're going to wake up and be 60 and be frightfully alone. Because you never went all in on anything. Right. Let me take that back. You did go all in and you got hurt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So when you say she blows past you and your husband's boundaries, give me some examples.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. You sound like a pretty amazing person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And an incredibly codependent person too. So I guess my challenge to you would be really being honest with yourself. I guess I reject the notion that you can't date or be married or the alternative is I get to focus all on me. Right. You know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
If you're in a marriage where you are constantly being berated, you're underneath everything, everyone else's needs come before you and you're just a doormat, yes, I get that sense. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay, but you're still caretaking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What does it look like to have a hard conversation where you all sit down and say, okay, I'm going to begin dating or I'm going to begin running my own life. And you're going to have to make some decisions about long-term care, your long-term health, friends and community, family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Do you still want to be helping him in that way?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
You've been people-pleasing your whole life. Tell me the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Because if he's a chore, if he is a, or if he's a courtesy invite, because you felt bad when you were a kid and you don't want somebody else to feel bad. Yes. Let me just be honest with you, he feels that. He knows he's an add-on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And it's cruel, to be honest with you, because in some way you're using him so that your young childhood, so your inner child doesn't feel bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And if you got divorced, if you went through a painful divorce, because being 47, 46, and wondering what is so undesirable about me that my husband won't sleep with me, That's painful, right? Oh, it was miserable. Right. And you really put yourself out there and got atomic extra super vulnerable, and you felt rejected and rebuffed. And he might have had all sorts of other challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I'm not trying to berate him. Your experience is really tough. Yeah. And so even after all that, you're like, dude, I still love this guy. I feel like he's still my best friend. I'm not going to leave my best friend high and dry. And if somebody wants to date me, then they just have to know I'm a caretaker too. That person will be out there somewhere. And you just got to make peace with it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What I don't love is you've set yourself up in a position where you will never get hurt again, but you will also never feel really great again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Because you just don't have both feet in any one boat. Right. And if it's in both feet in, I'm a freaking caretaker. That's my best friend. He's my ex-husband. Trust me, new date person I'm dating. There is no sexual tension at all. Trust me. Right. Then great. Right. Be a great best friend and be a great caretaker. And forget the romance part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
If my buddy Todd had a stroke and moved and I had a house seven doors down, I'd gladly let him move in there. And I'd still get to make jokes, but I'd be happy to help him out. My oldest friend on planet Earth is a paraplegic. When we go out, dude, it's not a chore, right, to wait longer or to sit at special places. Like, that's not a chore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
That's just part of being a friend who loves somebody, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And if people don't want to be my friend because I have a friend in a wheelchair, then good riddance, right? So, I mean, it's just not going to be a thing. but I want you to, I've got both feet in that. I want you to have both feet in that or I want you to have both feet out. Okay. That's a hard call for you. I know that. And probably you've probably, you've probably never had that call ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I mean, you've probably never asked yourself that ever. And that's a tough, scary thing to do to ask yourself, what do I really want at the age of 50? What do I want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And it's not going to make you a bad person to take, to begin to give a fellow adult autonomy after two or three years of caretaking, of taking care of somebody, of walking alongside them, taking them all to doctor's appointments, bringing them to all your family, like getting somebody back on your feet. You've done an amazing, noble thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I just want to make sure you didn't do this noble thing at his expense. For you. But we did the noble thing because it was the right thing to do. And now we're going to let this adult go be an adult again. And that means he's going to have some hard choices to make. Or we're just going to keep both feet in the boat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So I'm all Team Heather, man, but let's do these things for the right reason, and let's ask ourselves the scary, scary question. What do I actually want with the back half of my life? This is halftime for you. You're halfway home. What do you want the back half to look like? You get to decide it, but whatever you decide, put both feet in one boat and then head out to sea.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
You were not meant to sit in the harbor. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, everybody, stay with me. When we come back, we're going to talk to... a woman who just can't get over her husband's past. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. Hey, we have been through three dates of the tour, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey, on the Money and Relationships Tour, and it has been lights out, wheels off, man. Having the time of our life. We're going to be in Phoenix on May 5th. We're going to be in Fort Worth on May 7th.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Get your boots and your hats and come out and see us. That one may be sold out, but... Maybe not. Go check it out. And Kansas City on May 9th. Go to ramseysolutions.com slash tour and come see us live. Come hang out. All right, let's go out to Woodstock, Ontario, and talk to Romy, wherever I may Romy. What's up, Romy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
How's it going?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Thanks for sticking with us for so long. That means the world to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Well, maybe you're not a saint, but I'm grateful for you having that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I guarantee you will be. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What's your husband's relationship with his mother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah, there sure are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Because she's not the epicenter of your stepkids, and she's not the epicenter. Well, I mean, she's their mom, but she's not the epicenter of your husband. She's not coming over to your house. She's not sending you messages, right? So is she just the epicenter in your mind?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Why does that bother you? They have kids together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I don't know. I say it bothers you. Not that it even bothers you, like, ugh. And I get that, right? I get that. But it's just not like a ugh. It takes over your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay, can we go down the rabbit hole?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Will you come with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What are the most... And this is going to be hard, so feel free to say stop at any time, okay? Yeah. I want you to know you're driving, okay? Okay. What are the intrusive thoughts that haunt you the most?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
No, because you have a good life, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. I heard a rumor that, that everything you see on Instagram is not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And everything you see on Facebook is not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Um, yeah, it's true. Do you ever have intrusive thoughts of your husband and her together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Do you have intrusive thoughts of them meeting the first time? I heard one woman say this, and I thought it was very savvy. Let me just put it this way. My daughter, when she was like five or six, was crying one night. My wife was like, why are you crying? And she said, Hank, our older son, will always have had more time with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I was, it was, it was an age appropriate thing to be jealous about, right? A five-year-old's very, or four or five or six-year-olds, very self-centered, right? The world revolves around them at that age. But it was a very clever way to say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I've heard a grown woman say that too, that my husband's longtime college girlfriend, I'll never, she knows him at a time that I didn't get to know him. Or she'll always have 10 years on me, right? Does that drive you crazy? Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I hadn't thought to worry about that one. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it because here's the deal. If none of that happens, because I hear, I'm going through common things that I hear. I love my new husband and I just have flashes of him on his honeymoon. What I imagine his honeymoon with his ex is like, right? Right, right. Because I know he's told somebody else that he loves them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Or he has rolled over after a wild sex with somebody else too. Like I hear that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And then I also hear the, I am jealous that there was these long conversations at a diner about what our future lake house was going to look like one day. I don't like the fact that my husband, even though he loves me, he would never cheat on me. He's like perfectly to get, we're together. We're building our own thing. We've been together for a decade.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I just hate the fact that he had that conversation with somebody else too one time. Like I hear those things, but I'm not hearing you say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Can I tell you what? Okay. So let's get to the layer beneath the layer. You've created a fictional character out of his wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
That person is not real. So let me ask you, what is this fictional character, right? So like think of Superman, think of comic book characters. The reason we love those characters because they can do things we can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What does close mean? Let me say this way. It sounds like you're being coy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
mm-hmm Superman can fly across the world and so fast he can back up time to save his girlfriend he can pick up a car right Flash can run real fast right they can do these things that we can't do and so it's intriguing to be like man if I could do that I would fill in the blank right so you've created this fictional character she just happens to have a real name and a real face yeah yeah what is she doing that is reflecting the life that you live that you feel dead in your own skin
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Inside your own life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Why? Why do you have a life that you've co-created with your husband? Y'all can't go to the beach for one week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Tell me about the relationship between your husband and his mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Don't circle the question. Just go right through it. How come? Why do y'all have a life that you have co-created where you can't even get away for a week at the beach?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Is it finances? Is it just too expensive?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Tell me about some of these obligations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Is your mother still married to him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Well, no, because he's a horrible human being.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
But did your mom sit by him in court while they sued you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Your mom had already passed away?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So let me get this right. Your mother, her husband passes away. Oh, no, she passed away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
She left you some money in the will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
But her husband, who's not your father, claimed it. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And so you get a check from her estate. Y'all spend that money. This ex sues you and said she didn't have the right to will you that money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Oh, sweet. I say this with all due respect. Your mother-in-law's a cartoon character. So let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Your mother-in-law's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband. What in the world's going on? What's up? What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And you have to pay it back?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
How much money was it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. What a mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I say this guy is a horrible guy. To be honest with you, it sounds like your mom set you guys up to fail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
All right, so I won't cast judgment on him or anybody. We'll just say this is just one of those situations that just stinks. It is what it is what it is. Right, right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Is this a life you like living?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Let me just say, she doesn't. Right. She's got some cool things that she gets to do because she's got resources. Maybe she remarried well or she's got family money or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. But I promise you, she's got problems too. She gets hemorrhoids too. She gets real bad gas too. Right. Right. I mean, like, so like she, she's got her life also.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I want you to consider. How old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah. Okay, you're getting to the end of the third quarter of your life, right? Maybe you're midway through the third quarter. We'll be generous. I want you and your husband to sit down and ask yourselves for the last quarter and a half of our life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What do we want this thing to look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And let's be really honest about it. And by the way, I live in Nashville, Tennessee, where tons of people come here to be songwriters and drummers and guitarists and bass players, and they're amazing. And then life changes. And there's always a challenge because they say like, I used to really love this life. I just don't love it anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And they almost feel ungrateful because it finally happens, right? They finally make it, quote unquote, and then they have the third kid. And they're like, I really just want to be with my kids. I don't want to go on the road, right? And it feels this tension. Can I just tell you, you got permission to do whatever it is you want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And you're allowed to exhale and say, hey, I've only got so many more summers to go to the beach. That's going to be part of our life now. But that means that's not, you can't YOLO, right? You can't just be a goofball about it. That means you got math. And so maybe we're going to sell our house and move to a smaller house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Because I'd rather go to the beach and live a fun, exciting, like have a little bit more life in my skin than work as a slave to a mortgage company.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Maybe this one terrible debt, let's just work like crazy. Hey, husband, we're going to go nuts for one calendar year and get this thing paid off. We're going to work every single day, every weekend. We're going to take extra jobs. We're going to work on the side. We're going to take extra load. We're going to just work bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So I want to put something on the table. You tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And then for my 59th birthday, I want to not owe this debt anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
But they're grown, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
How much equity do you have in your house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
If you sold it, how big of a check would they write you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Your mother-in-law's bananas. And I say that in the most clinical assessed kind of way, right? Sure. She's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband. Because your husband talks to this woman every day. He eggs it on. He continues to go to her and to accept it when she comes barging in the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Can we just exhale for a second? If you sold that and bought a condo for $350,000. Right. For $400,000. Let's say $350,000 after fees.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
That's not going to be a super nice condo in Ontario. I know that. But it will be yours. No one can take it. And then you write a check to this guy and he's off your back forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Then you'll look at each other and say, what do we want to do now? Because we can do anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay. Here's where most people go sideways.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
They go to their significant other. They go to their romantic partner and they start piecemealing it together. Issue by issue. I want to sell the house. I want to downsize. I want a different car. I want to stop driving this car. I want to sell this car. I want to get this loan paid off. And here it sounds like somebody's nagging them to death.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
That's different than, hey, we have a quarter and a half of our life left. I want to go wheels off. And here's what's going to have to happen for that to take place. And if you look at your husband and say, I want to have peace in this home so I can love you recklessly and insane until I die. Right. I got to get out of this truck. I don't need to be driving on these icy roads at 59 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I don't need to be changing a tire in the middle of winter at 59 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
right so yeah husband let's sell this house let's buy a condo not even a super nice one just one that's going to be great the kids will be fine yeah let's pay this guy off let's owe nobody anything and then we can decide what kind of job we want to have right now you're solving for freedom and then you know what who cares about this fictional character
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I want to build in a couple of other boundaries for you, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Right after you get off this call. Okay, you've been with me for a long time. You've been with me since the very beginning, right? Yes, 100%. Say, I promise I'm going to do what you ask.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Just for 30 days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
As soon as we get off this, I want you to block her on Facebook. I want you to block her on social media.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So you can't see her. You can't go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I want you to tell your husband, hey, I've blocked her from everything. I'm not going to go look at what she's doing. I'm not going to see what she's doing. I'm not going to Google her or anything. If she reaches out to you for a family issue, unless something's happening to our kids and I need to know, I don't want to know about it. I don't need to know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
What I'm choosing to do, I'm not choosing to not be jealous of her. I'm choosing to be fully alive in my own body, in my own marriage, in my own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I'm going to stop outsourcing that to Marvel character that I've created.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
It just happens to look a lot like your ex-wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And keep your promise to yourself for 30 days. I could care less what she's doing. I'm going to spend that energy building the life that I want to live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So maybe you're going through and looking at condos. You're going through and interviewing real estate agents. You and your husband are trying to figure out how, I know Canada takes 95% of your paycheck for taxes, but what kind of job could we do that's not driving that I could get into right now? What does that world look like? Let's begin spending our energy on living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
We're not going to outsource it to some fictional fantasy character that we've created. We're going to start living our life. And there's some reality to us. We've got to pay these debts off. We're going to sell the house. It's been fun. It's been great where we raised our kids. And now we're going to go to something that we can manage for the last 25 or 30 or 40 years of our life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
We can manage because we want to spend more time on the road seeing our grandkids. We want to take all that driving experience and drive all the way to Gulf Shores in Alabama and go to the beach. Just a good old-fashioned American beach. We're going to go all the way down. Or you can go to Lake Michigan or whatever. But we're going to start living the life that we want to live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Thank you so much for the call, Romy. Really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Okay, let me tell you about Cozy Earth and their amazing buy one, get one free offer that they created just for you. But first, let's talk about your mom. I know, I know, we're not supposed to talk about each other's moms. But when you think of mom, what comes to mind?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
patience, resilience, love, showing up every day. I know for some of you, thinking about your mom can bring up tough memories and really tough challenges. But for most of us, thinking of the moms in our lives is reason for deep gratitude. For me, I think about my mom who taught me so much and she gave me life for crying out loud. I think about my wife,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Let me put it this way. And I'll get some pushback on this. I don't really care. If my mom was completely disregarding something that was important to my child's health, I'm going to go directly and have that conversation. I'm not going to tell my wife, well, you need to go talk to my mom. I'm not going to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
and how she's an incredible mom to our kids, how she sacrifices for our family. She loves us and she works tirelessly day in and day out. She's the best mom I know. So whether you're celebrating a mom, remembering one, honoring one, wanting to be one, or just navigating motherhood in an unexpected way, let's all agree, Moms out there deserve the best. They deserve Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
From Cozy Earth's temperature-regulating bedding to their ultra-soft pajamas, Cozy Earth creates comfort that feels like peace. And God knows most of our moms need a little more peace. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect way to wrap her or any other special person in your life and even yourself in comfort and care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And to celebrate moms everywhere this weekend only, May 2nd through May 4th, Cozy Earth is offering you a special promo. 40% off with code DELONI and buy one, get one free bamboo pajamas. Come on, y'all. Use code DELONIBOGO. D-E-L-O-N-Y-B-O-G-O to take advantage of this at CozyEarth.com. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com in code DELONIBOGO. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Kelly, cool shirt with lipstick kisses all over it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
A little provocative.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Well, I mean, that's what all your tattoos are, except they're like sequins, purple sequins, but whatever. It's cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Dude, the tubes, man. They sent us our gold million subscriber plaque. Now I can stare down my 14-year-old and be like, yeah, that's right. I am a YouTuber. Your old man's a YouTuber. All my dreams have come true, Kelly. This and somebody stopped me in the airport and said they saw me on TikTok. And I was like, all my dreams are coming true at the same time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
All of them. All of you. Because without you guys, I am that weird guy outside the airport just yelling, hey, you should fix your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And then I would, they would pick me up and they'd put me in a van and make me talk to somebody. And instead, we're on the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Yeah, probably. But now I'm on the internet and we get paid for it. But dude, like that last caller. One of the original OG17s, man. Some of you guys have been with us for several years now, just continuing to ride it out. I cannot tell you how grateful I am.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Those of you who share the show, those of you who still write me, I get a stack of mail every two weeks that comes through the building here, just handwritten letters, man. Those that come to the live events, come to everybody who took a second to just hit the subscribe button. It means the absolute world to me. And there is a small but growing group of people who are just deciding,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
um, we're going to live differently. I'm just going to parent differently. I'm going to be married differently. I am going to reject the nonsense out there in the culture that says, this is how you have to do it. Um, Hey, Kelly, I went to pick up something the other day and from a guy's house and, uh, his wife came in with their little one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And if they do it again, or maybe if it happens one time, I'm going to say, hey, guys, mom, you've opted out of a relationship with us. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm not going to go. But for some reason, your husband keeps saying, we got to go. We got to go. We got to keep showing up. We got to keep taking the kids over there. Am I wrong?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And she was like, I don't want to be weird, but I love your show. And I was like, man, it means the world to me. Thank you so much. And she goes, yeah, you told me I was emotionally immature for yelling at my toddler. And the toddler was there. And I was like, uh, I was like, oh, this is how I die. right? Just like this, but she was actually really awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
But it was like, I had never considered like when I'm mad, like, Oh yeah, this kid's too. Like it was awesome. And the fact that she took a second just to say, thank you just means the world to me. But it's those little tiny things that people are slowly doing. And then I'm, I'm getting to remind myself by saying it all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Like, dude, I need to be a better dad and a better husband too, but it's everybody working together on this deal. And it's so, so amazing. So yes, thank you everybody. And everybody in the booth, everybody in the club getting tipsy. Thanks everybody. And I think we celebrate this. We all go out. The great Kate over at my favorite tattoo shop on the planet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I think she gives us all a million tattoo. Amen. Just one mil. That would be dope. Old English. Right across your back, Kelly. You'd have to go over the eagle thing that you have. And the Raiders logo, which I don't know about that story, but we'll have to hear that story one day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
That's what I said when I saw it. Well, number one, you wearing a bathing suit to work was sacrilege. But then the Raiders tattoo in Old English was like, man, I did not see that coming. It's weird. Like the cowboy star right there, like right there below your neck that you cover up with makeup every morning. It's just weird. It's weird, but it's cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I don't know, dude. I don't know. The boys in the hood are always hard, Kelly. Always. Hey, love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay. So let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Because, I mean, I say this with all due respect. Your mother-in-law is a cartoon character.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Right? It's so out of bounds how she treats people. She's a cartoon character. And of course she's been through multiple marriages. And of course she struggles to keep work relationships. And of course she doesn't have any friends. She treats people really bad. She's clearly got major struggles that she's dealing with or she's choosing to not deal with. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I'd be willing to bet money that your husband and his sister have spent their entire lives propping up that madness. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay. But he looked at you and said, I do. And the moment he did that, his priority became you. And then y'all made humans and his priority became them. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
He cannot hold both sides of, he can't hold all of this up. And so tell me about conversations you've had with him about, hey, I need you to deal with your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And I'm talking about you and your husband. When you said, hey, this isn't okay how she treats me. This isn't okay how she treats our kids. I don't like watching another person, I don't care if it's your mom or not, treat my husband this way. What does he say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Taking your calls from all over planet Earth about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your mother-in-law, your friends, your workplace, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm going to sit with you, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Hey, this rattlesnake bites us all the time. Hey, just get bit once this week, please. And you're like, no. And then you act immaturely. You roll your eyes, right? And then y'all start the dance that y'all have. And I promise you, it's not just about her. Y'all do this about other stuff too, fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
He's like, well, can we just, and you're like, ugh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I know. You know why? Because part of him is his mom, too. And it may be more subtle and it may be less dramatic, but y'all have recreated his childhood in your own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
It is, but also you've become his mom, too. Ugh. So here's the thing. You can't, and I say this with all loving respect, and I do believe you've got to honor and respect your parents. But I can't participate. What does that mean? I'm not going to talk bad about my mom. And also, I will never entertain dinner over there. I'm not going to be disrespectful to her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I'm not going to engage in joking and blah, blah, blah. I'm just not going to be that person. And my kids will never go over there. And I'm not going to subject my wife to any person who screams and yells. any person who disrespects my kids and their health, any sort of crude jokes or talk, like whatever y'all want. And let's be honest about how this plays out in your sex life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Let's be honest how this plays out when y'all are planning vacations. Let's be honest about how this plays out when y'all two are deciding who's, where y'all going to go to dinner. Cause I almost guarantee you there's traces of it there too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
So I think mom has become a proxy. She's an easy target.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Can he, if y'all sit down and do the proverbial swipe the table clean and you look at him and say, I'm tired of rolling my eyes at you. I want to be your wife, not your mom. I'm also tired of you not being my husband and defending me against this woman that continually comes after me. What was his response be?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Okay. So here's what it looks like. I will never go over there for dinner again. Please don't ask. Because when you ask, you're putting me in a position to have to hold a boundary against somebody that's supposed to be on my team. Our kids will never go over there again. She is psychologically unstable. She makes our kids not safe. Emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Reach out to johndeloney.com slash ask. There's an internet form, and you can fill it out. You can write as long as you want, and it'll go to Kelly and the gang. she builds the show. And if she picks you, she'll holla back girl at you. And even though she ain't a holla back girl, she'll holla back girl at you. And then we'll be ready to rock and roll.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Look at me, honey. They will never go over there again. Period. So please stop asking. You know she's going to start screaming and yelling. Yes, I absolutely do. And by the way, she does that when I'm there anyway. Right. She's literally unsafe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
A hundred percent. She already is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
She already is. And like all little kids, they think it's their fault and they start trying to solve it. And that's not their job. And can we be honest? Dude, grandmothers are supposed to be the greatest source of endless joy and safety and laughter and love. And in your case, you don't have that. I mean, your kids don't have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
It's heartbreaking. I hate it for them. But here's what I want you to do. I want you to back up for a second and let's just put mother-in-law aside. She's a cartoon. I know she's a real person that hurts real people. I get that. But let's just move her to the side. Let's be really honest. I want you to write this stuff down about your own marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Here's our dynamic, honey, when it comes to eating out. Here's our – when it comes to how we save money or spend money with our sex life, with – I don't like this dynamic. We're recreating this. And maybe we're not recreating it with screaming and yelling and histrionic madness. Maybe we're not doing that, but we're recreating it in this way. And I don't want to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
And then here's the most important part, Nicole. Here's what I do want this to look like, and here's what I want this to feel like. I want my home to be a place of whom I want my husband to be someone I highly respect and who will get between danger and me and the kids. Even if that's his mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
I want a husband who will spend as much time on me and our kids and lifting us up as he does trying to run around and prop his mother up. And here's what I'm contributing because I know you're not. I mean, you got skin in this too, right? I'm going to stop rolling my eyes at my husband. I'm going to stop being mad at you all the time and blaming your mom for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
We've got some real challenges in our marriage. I want to get to the bottom of it. Let's start there. Let's start there. And then we'll make some very real, true, hard boundaries with another adult in your life that is psychologically unstable and that's making people unsafe. Very clear boundaries. I will not ever, period. Please do not ask again. And then we'll go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Thanks for the call, sister. Man, having a great mother-in-law is the best, and having a challenging, awful mother-in-law is a nightmare. So I know you're navigating this. I know millions of other people are navigating this. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, sit tight. When we come back, a woman finally gets the courage to leave her husband, and then something happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Love to have you on John Deloney.com slash ask. All right, let's roll out to roll out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me say it a thousand times, and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And yes, therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist, and let's be honest, a lot of you should too. And taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. And listen, we spend time and money on so many things. Going to the gym, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. We wear tracker watches. But listen, when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. We hold back on the expense or on the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health and all these other things in your life. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month-long waiting lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
You just get online and fill out a short survey, and you get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Are you married? Yeah. Do you have any kids? I just had one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So are you experiencing the, like, you can't really describe it, the indescribable love of holding a one-year-old that nobody ever told you about, and you're wondering how in the world did your dad pick this life over you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so it's common that you will toggle from a life of frustration and fear at growing up in the house of someone who really struggles with a profound drug addiction and divorce. And then you move to some level of compassion. Like you mentioned, just can't get it together. It is what it is. This is my dad. And then you hold your first kid and it's very common that it goes to rage, to anger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Like, are you kidding me? Like, when you hold that one-year-old, your one-year-old, like, you would burn down a city for that kid. And so it's hard to wrap your head around. And so I guess, number one, I want to implore you to stay in compassion as much as you can because anger is not going to solve the problem. Anger is fine. Rage isn't going to solve the problem. It's okay to be angry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
But rage isn't going to solve the problem, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So pursue the fantasy with me, okay? You get on a plane and you fly down to San Francisco from Mississippi. You fly down to San Francisco. You find him. Y'all hug, have a big reunion. Y'all go to breakfast. And you've set up for him a rehab place where he can go. And you figured out how to pay for it. And it would be ungodly expensive, but you figured out how to pay for it. And he goes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And he goes to 30, 60, 90 days inpatient. He gets out. He's clear-eyed. He's shaved. He's bathed. He's got a job. Then what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
what that might look like is he doesn't have a mailing address, does he? Or does he? Does he have a PO box or something?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Does he have a cell phone where he can get in touch with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
There's something about wanting something for your mom and your dad so bad that they don't want for themselves. Or maybe they can't for themselves for whatever reason.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Yeah, but there comes a point when his body says, body has had enough, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I think you have to answer that question for yourself. Sometimes people have said the last thing they need to say, which is I love you. I've got a plan for you. I have a fantasy about my son growing up with a granddad. And when you're ready, I'll be here. And then you have to hold that space for a few overdoses. Or in this situation, it sounds like he's trying to die by suicide via overdose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And some people want to have one last face-to-face. You get on a plane and you go find him. I don't even know how you would go about doing that, but you go find him. And you take him to breakfast and say, I'm your son. I just wanted you to know. Like, I see you're on a bad trajectory. I'm going to tell you one more time, I love you. These people will take you. I've already set it up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I don't. Here's the thing. I want you to be able to close your eyes at night knowing I did what I could do and I did it with love and I didn't use my dad to try to make me feel better. Yeah. That's a good way of saying it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so for whatever it's worth, man, it sounds like over the last 25 years, you've gone to the ends of the earth to try to get that man to see you and love you and to love those around him. Yeah. And for whatever it's worth, his continued drug use and his continued homelessness and challenges have not been because of his son, Connor. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I'd be willing to bet he's been alive longer because you're in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And maybe it's a matter of writing him a letter and making one last flight this holiday season to say goodbye and just knowing I'm letting my dad go. Or maybe you don't even have to make that trip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
You can write that letter and you can read it to your brother and sister around the Christmas tree this year or you can read it to your wife and your one-year-old and just know this is the year I said goodbye. I don't know what the old 5150, I don't know if you can force somebody into rehab in California.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I don't know if you can make somebody who's dying of substance abuse in California go to rehab. I don't know what the rules are there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Yeah, most places, like... mandatory hold is pretty tough, especially over a long period of time. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So I think if I were you, I would probably sit down and you've probably heard me say, tell people to do this, but I would write, I would enter into the, the three letter ceremony. which is I'm going to write my dad one letter that says, Dear Dad, here's what you gave me. I want to say thank you. It's a letter of gratitude. I'm 25. I've got a one-year-old. Thank you for whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Find gratitude in your heart. It's made you more compassionate. It's made you be more open-minded. His struggles have made you make different choices in your life. Even if it's gratitude for, thank you for painting a picture of what life I don't want. Then a second letter is one of anger. I can't believe, say all the things that are in there, write them down and get them out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And the third letter is a letter of honor and here's who I'm going to become. Here's what you're going to miss. But it's a testament to our family tree is going to look different and here's the role I'm going to play. And for most people who do this, it has a sense of just taking the cinder blocks out of your backpack that you walk around with every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So sometimes when I pull into a parking lot of a restaurant that I really wanted to eat at and it's packed, I will say, oh good, I'm the only one who had this idea today. But I'm kind of being silly. I'm kind of being annoyed, but not annoyed at anything in particular, but just the fact that everyone else likes a great restaurant too. So is he being silly or is he being an immature brat?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Yours will be a little more challenging because he's still alive. And most of us don't ever have to run up against this terrible feeling of, I would if I could, but I can't. Like, here's the limits of what I can do here. What's your wife think you should do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Listen, listen, listen, listen. You have permission to make that choice. You're not a bad guy. You're a good young man. You're a good new father. You're a good husband. I'll even go as far to say you're a good son. You've done what you could do. And no, when he passes away, it will still hurt. You'll still have guilt. But you've heard me say this before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I want you to choose guilt over resentment. If you go out there again and spend $2,500 on plane tickets and hotels and food and whatever, and he snubs you again, you're going to start getting rageful. You're going to start resenting the fact that he exists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I'd rather feel guilty that I stuck my hand in the bag and got bit by a rattlesnake 50 times and I didn't do it a 50 first. and there's always going to be, it's natural to feel a little guilty. I should have done it 51st time, but reality was, um, I did the best I could with what I had. Right. And my dad was sick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And the greatest, um, gift I can give to the legacy that he left is to do everything I can as far up river as possible to never put myself in a position where I can get sick like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
There you go. So David Kessler talks about in his book, finding meaning, there comes a moment when you talk about who I'm going to become because, and maybe you develop a pretty powerful talk and you go talk to high school kids. Or maybe you develop a pretty powerful personal talk and you go talk to adults who are entering 30-day treatment programs. Yeah, that might be nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
But it becomes a way to make sense of the pain that you've experienced. It's about finding meaning in that hurt. But usually that's probably pretty premature on your end right now. Right now we're just going to be sad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And maybe you put a small gift for him under the tree in your house this year just as an homage, or maybe not. I guess the thing I want you to hear me say is there's not a right way to do this, and I want to release you from any other further obligation. You've done what you could do, what you could do, what you could do. And if you choose to enter into the madness one more time, go get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
That tends to be my bent. I just beat my head over and over and over again. Not in a healthy way, but that means I have no boundaries. It doesn't make it right. I think you and your wife make peace. Exhale. Write the letters. And then make a daily commitment for the rest of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I'm going to stare down this hurt that I've experienced and my kid will have a different life and my grandkids won't know that our family had this tragedy in our family tree because of the work I did. I'm proud of you, my brother. He's lucky to have you as a son. And your little one is lucky to have you as a dad. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet. Just kidding. The internet's the worst. It's amazing, but it's the worst. But it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life takes place on the internet. My work, my personal messages and communications, I buy most things on the internet now. It's where I live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And it's where you live too. Because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup. All this online. Listen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the World Wide Web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend my friends at Delete Me. With all that online activity, who knows where our data is and who has access to it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at delete me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So while we can't really avoid the internet, we can make our personal data personal again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
with delete me individual delete me plans start as low as nine dollars a month so go to join delete me.com slash deloney today to get 20 off that's join j-o-i-n join delete me.com slash deloney go right now all right let's go out to denver and talk to kayla hey kayla what's up hey deloney you're doing good how about yourself just rocking on to the break of dawn what's up
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
It's okay to be angry, but rage isn't going to solve the problem, right? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. put on my headphones I was talking too much about the game last night and they started the show without me I hope you are having a great week wherever you happen to find yourself
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Kayla, nobody listens to this show. You're fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So you're pregnant. Congratulations. Number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Oh, great question. Yeah, great question. Tell me about your friendship with this woman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Um, so really the best wisdom I could give you here is exactly what I would do. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Um, I would send you to come over to your house and you'd have a private conversation with you. And I'd go over to your house and say, this is, this is, um, remarkable news, but this is going to be particular. It might be particularly painful news. I don't know. I don't want to prejudge. I want to presuppose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Um, but because of how you honored me and let me walk alongside you when you were hurting, I wanted you to be the first to know that we just found out that I'm pregnant. And so, um, the, the, The two ways I have difficult conversations, the two frames I have are facts are your friends. Just say the thing. No hem-hawing, no running around, no long stories. In third grade, none of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I know this could potentially be painful. This could potentially be the best news you can hear. But before it makes its way around everybody, I wanted you to know first. And the second one is, so facts of your friends, I'm just going to say the thing. The second one is calm is contagious. I'm not going to come in hysterical or kind of over the top. I'm going to come in with peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And I think the third and most important thing for you is, is just to give her whatever reaction she has.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And she might be overwhelmed with joy for you. She might tell you to get out. She might tell you, I'm excited, but I can't be with you during this time. And I would give her just an extraordinary amount of grace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Okay. I think the only thing you can control in this side of the relationship is you treating her with dignity and honor. And I think your intuition is right. I don't want her getting this from some email. If you walk through her miscarriage with her, y'all have a bond, whether y'all have kumbaya time on a weekly basis or not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And it definitely is the right thing to say, hey, before you just get a text message about this, I wanted to let you know in person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So I don't want you to go over to her house and apologize for the happiest moment of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So you're not apologizing for being pregnant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
You are just honoring her by telling her first in person because you'll have a deeper relationship and she's got some significant pain around this same topic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so joy and pain are not some zero. You having an exciting news doesn't take away from any joy she was slowly accumulating. There's endless amounts of joy and there's endless amounts of hurt. And so the best thing you can do is to treat her with honor, treat her with dignity, and keep your integrity about you, which is I'm going to do the right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And then give her grace because grief makes us act and do tough stuff sometimes. And if she chooses to cut you off for a while, I can't text you, I don't want to talk to you for a while, you didn't do anything wrong. She's just struggling. And that's okay. And you might feel weird or guilty. Just, I mean, don't. You're having a baby. That's amazing news. And she lost a baby. That's terrible news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Both of those things are true. And they don't come at the cost of the other. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. If you were having her husband's baby... Now we got a problem, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Exactly. So you see what I'm saying? That's another call on this show, I'm sure. But that's when you have a, oh my gosh, I have the thing. It becomes messy. You're not here. You're not apologizing for having a baby. This is the most exciting thing ever. I think letting her know, I would love for you to walk alongside me in this. And I also fully understand if it's too soon. This is heavy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
He doesn't want to. He doesn't like this life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Give her permission. And then refuse, refuse to talk bad about her. Refuse to belittle how she responds. Refuse to tell other people, oh my gosh, she lost it. She screamed at me, told me to get out of her house, which probably won't happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Probably what will happen is she'll get choked up instantly and give you a big hug and tell you she's so happy for you and then probably send you a text of some sort about how she really feels later. That's my guess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
but the having experienced that in my own house not as a woman not as a person who's carrying a baby but having experienced multiple miscarriages nothing made me happier than when I found out my friends are pregnant I was so happy for them and I also know some people just need space because they're not in a place to celebrate and that's okay All you can do is the next right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Is that cool? Will you do me a huge favor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Will you write us back and just put follow up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I would love to know how the conversation goes. And if your friend wants to call, that'd be great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I think it's a boy and I think you should name it John. Cause that's a dope name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Hey, listen, if you don't screw this up, your kid too can be a middling B level podcaster. One day shoot for the stars. Shoot for the stars. Oh man. Amazing. Hey, it's, it's an honor to get to talk to you today. Um, I'm excited for you. And thank you. Thank you for being there for your friend when she was struggling. She needed a person to text in the middle of the night to say she wasn't OK.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
It's hard to walk through loss with somebody. And that's a pretty noble, honorable thing that you did. And it'd be amazing if she could walk through joy with you. And it's also understandable if right now she can't. Both of those are OK. She's lucky to have you as a friend, Kayla. Thank you so, so much for the call. We'll be right back. Okay, I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending more time on screens than I like, and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off right starts with good sleep, period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set Every night, she loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Have you ever sat down, not on a weekend, and just talked through like, hey, what's going on? I feel like you don't like to be around us. You don't like the life that we're creating together. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth Cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone. Let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody keep their own clothes. And let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Hey, don't forget, you can watch the new episode of United States of Anxiety in the Ramsey Network app. The show is hosted by the Ramsey Network, and you can download the app wherever you get apps. You down with APP? And you can download it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I'm excited for you. Kelly is a hip-hop queen, by the way. That's what they called her back in high school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I like how the other kids in the booth were like, what is that? It's before y'all were born. I can't believe you're down with OVP. Yeah, you know me. That's your homework assignment. I'll listen to it. You won't. You're right. Your life would be better if you did, though. It'd be awesome. But hey, you can download it. You can get this show a week early and you can go check out the latest episode.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
It's kind of taken off. It's pretty amazing watching this brave, wonderful woman go on a pretty transformational journey. So go check it out in the app. Love you guys. Don't forget to subscribe on YouTubes and to leave the reviews and download the shows and share it. Partridge in a pear tree. Do all those nice things for me. How about that? Oh, geez. How do you end shows?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
There should be a class in college for how to end podcasts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
See ya. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Is he just saying that indiscriminately or have you all sat down and worked out your family finances and realized, okay, with a fourth on the way, we need to make some extra money during a season?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
So have you ever heard me talk about pictures and words before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Okay. So one of, I think one of the easiest ways to distill down 99% of marriage conflict is this idea that we think in pictures, but we speak in words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so for instance, your husband says, um, I'll do something with the family this weekend. And you say, let's do something with the family this weekend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
You have a very clear picture in your mind about what you think that's going to look like. Y'all are going to be singing in the car. The kids are going to be well-behaved. Y'all are going to go get ice cream or breakfast or whatever you're doing. Y'all are going to go do some things together. Go to a park and play. He has a picture of something totally different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so the first time somebody cuts him off in traffic or the first time he goes to the first place y'all wanted to go and it's full and you see what I'm saying? Like you miss each other in the night. And so, or he'll say something like, hey, finances are kind of tight. Well, you'll think, okay, I'll just order water instead of Diet Coke. And he's thinking we're $10,000 short right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And he's trying to shoulder it all without the skills to communicate or the desire to communicate with you the actual situation. And so often couples sitting down and saying, okay, we're about to have child number four. Our life as we knew it is about to be over again. We're about to rebuild something new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Right now it feels like we have a life that we can't afford because you're concerned about money to the point that you don't want to be around your family. Okay. You work from home, yet we can only do things as a family on the weekends, right? And it rarely seems to bring you joy. I want to build a life that you want to be a part of, and I want to build a life that I want to be a part of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so a conversation that my wife and I have every single day, one of us will ask, hey, what's your picture for today look like? Because what we were doing is we would say things like, hey, I'm going to come home. I'll be home a little bit later tonight. Well, in my head, I'm going to get off work because I have media until 6.30.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
We'll be having a great day wherever you happen to be listening to this show, whether you're going for a walk, you're at the gym, cleaning something, you're washing your car, you're headed to work, wherever you happen to be, I'm glad that you're with us. We're talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And then I'm going to go grab some dinner with a couple of coworkers. And then I'm going to go to band practice. I'm not going to get home until 9. For my wife, she has a picture of me being a little late home tonight at 6 instead of 5.30. So she just bumps dinner back and the whole family's sitting around waiting. And so we say, what's your picture of today look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And I'll say, I've got this and I've got this and I've got this and I've got this. Okay, great. We're going to have dinner at 530 without you. Great. And so you and your husband sitting down and saying, okay, we get to map out what this thing looks like. We get to build what it looks like. And you have to be clear about,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
When you want to go out on a weekend and you have a particular thing that you need, like I've been in the house all day with all these kids and I'm pregnant again and I need fresh air, I need to move and I need a break from the kids. You need to be able to say, I need a break from the kids. And he needs to be able to say, I've got to work a second job to get some extra money right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
We need to hire a middle schooler to come over and just play with the young ones for a little bit. Because we can't afford a full-time sitter, but we can't afford a middle schooler to come over for a minute. Or we need your sister to come over. Or somebody from church to come over. We need to figure that part out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
But it's you guys saying what you need and you need to sit down and do a weekly or monthly budget with him together. So you have an idea of what the finances are, of what kind of stress he's under. And if he says, I need to be working, but actually he's just sleeping in on Saturday mornings and then watching football all day. Well, there's a mismatch. So your pictures and words aren't aligning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
But this feels like this, it kind of feels blobby. You never want to be around us. I'm always around you. Yeah, but you never feel like you're, yeah, but I never. And so no one's being specific about what they actually want, what they actually need, and giving the other person an opportunity to say, I can meet those wants and needs, or I'm not going to meet those wants and needs, and here's why.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
For 20 years, I've been sitting with people when the wheels have fallen off their life, and we've had to map out a plan together. What's your next right move? And that's what this show is about, sitting with hurting people, real people going through real challenges, trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And that's a more vulnerable conversation. But y'all are there now, because here's what's happening. You are doing what you know to do just harder. Let's do weekend stuff together or more. And he is doing what he knows to do, which is to complain, go act like kind of a toddler, throw a temper tantrum louder and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And what's going to happen is you're going to find somebody somewhere that gives you a little bit of peace. You're all going to start ending up co-managers of a pretty wild household. You got four kids. Y'all are outnumbered two to one. You're going to start being good co-managers of your house, but you're going to miss each other in the night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And so I want you guys to take a small retreat, get together. It can be a Saturday. It can be a Sunday. Talk about money. Talk about adding kid number four. Talk about what you want your house to look like in five years, what you want your house to feel like in five years. And then be very specific about things like, hey, I miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I feel like every time we do things together, you're just annoyed. Is there something I can do to bring some more joy to our time together? I feel like you're stressed about money a lot. And he can talk to you about what he's experiencing using the word I. I'm experiencing you more frustrated than usual. I'm experiencing you more tired than usual. Whatever the words are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And y'all can get to the root of what's actually going on. I'm really grateful for the call, Amy. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life as my gift. I want you all to use that as a roadmap for your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
You have a chaotic, anxious house as is, and if there's money stress on top of it and marriage stress on top of it and any sort of other clutter or chaos or lack of sleep or any of those things that come with having four young kids, this will give you a roadmap that you all can work together to build a house that's not anxious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
and thereby give you an opportunity to have a house that's full of peace. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. So I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment as well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I've tried a number of different companies and their products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of bond charge products with my own money and I love them. I use them all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
I hope you will call in with whatever's going on in your life and join us on the show. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Let's go out to Bend, Oregon. Not bend over. Bend, Oregon and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus of those studies being double blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown negative side effects.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Red light therapy can help with boosting mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin, skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more. I use my red light therapy panels and mask both NIR and the red light 10 to 20 minutes each day, sometimes more, and often during my prayer and meditation time or when I'm having trouble sleeping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Red light therapy has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. And I've also been using the infrared sauna blanket, which I love, and their special lamps and bulbs throughout my home. Bond Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy. Go to Boncharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15% on your purchase. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go right now. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go get them goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems that make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and let's build better systems.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your soul. Let's start this year by focusing on our spiritual lives. In 2025, I want to focus on prayer and meditation. And to do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard, hard questions and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start your year off with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the TV show, The Chosen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, the children's sections. And if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders and fostering a community for accountability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow to start this new year absolutely free. All right, let's go out to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to the one and only Connor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Hey, Connor, what's up? Hey, how are you? I'm great, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Hey, dude, let's get weird as you want to get.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
How long has this been a part of y'all's life together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Big news! New dates for Money and Marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramseysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
The other thing I'm going to give you is I work here at Ramsey Solutions, and I'm going to send you our flagship product, which is to help people get control of their finances. As a single mom, that's a terrifying proposition for you. I know that. Having a guy who cheated on you so many times over so many years still drag you through nine hours of mediation, blaming you the whole way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
is a four-year-old emotionally. And that tells me that you have been squashed financially too. Is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
So I'm going to send you the financial products too. I'm going to send you every dollar of the app so you can begin to gain control of it. I'm going to send you all nine lessons. They're digital videos. I'm in one of them. And my colleagues are in all of them. And I want you to watch them. How old's your son?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Awesome. Have him watch them too. Watch them with mom. And here's what he's going to get to see. He's going to get a ringside seat to watching an adult, a mother who he knows loves him, slowly regain her footing. And here's what I think you're going to find. You feel like you're drowning, but what you don't realize is the water you're standing in is about nine inches deep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And you're going to slowly begin to learn some skills financially. You're going to learn some skills relationally. That's what I'm going to send you in my book for free. And you're going to slowly start to stand up and realize, oh my gosh, this water's around my ankles. And it is going to feel super awkward making decisions on your own because you've never been allowed to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay, just expect it. It's going to feel weird and hard. And you're going to feel like, I don't know what's the next right move. What's the next? I don't know. What's the next right move? Make it. And then if it's the wrong one, go, ah, I blew that one. And then we're going to keep moving forward. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
You know why? Because you're a good mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Because you have high integrity. Because you can do math. You know, we need more money now. Now, last thing before I let you go. You've probably heard me do this on the show before. I want you to do it for everybody listening, but especially for yourself, okay? I want you to make a fist with the hand that you write with. Are you doing that right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And I want you to put that right in the middle of your chest. And I want you to say out loud while you slowly tap your chest. I love this woman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Say it loud and proud sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. This is day one. This is the day one where you start loving you through action too, okay? Thank you. You're gonna watch these videos. You're gonna read the books. You're gonna go see a counselor, but I believe in you, Ann, and you call me anytime and I'll give you any resource I got and I'll walk alongside you anytime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And if you know of some other resource, I'm gonna send you all the questions for humans, for parents and kids and parents and friends too. I want you to begin to use these with your nine-year-old because here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna build connection from the inside out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
We're going to have breakfast together with that little nine-year-old, and we're going to use these questions for humans, and we're going to slowly develop internal relationship. He's going to love the chocolate chip cookies and the chaos at his dad's house and the four-wheelers and the jet skis, but his nervous system will know when I go see mom, I'm safe. I'm loved, and I'm known.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Thanks for the call, sister. Coming up next, we talk to a man who is thinking about being homeless again. Okay, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading people right back to us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a PH where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and be your friend and be all trying to help you out. And you get an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you. They're not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. So what's any of us to do? You can start by controlling what you can. You can learn about how to be careful offline and online, and you can sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete.me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
That way, I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having all of my data and trying to sell it to each other. Delete.me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop phishing attacks. Stop online harassment and threats before they start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And take control of your digital privacy with Delete.me. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off their annual plan. That comes out to less than $9 a month. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. Hey, here's a quick word about the best mattress in the world, Helix mattresses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Spring is here and that means the darkness and the cold has finally lifted and we can get back into the swing of actually being living human beings. Spring break, summer plans, I feel like I'm coming back to life. So listen, let's reset. Most of us have already blown our resolutions out of the water. Let's reset and make today day one for a great year. And the top of the list of the reset,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
great sleep. Great sleep is the foundation for everything in our lives, and this is where my friends at Helix come in clutch. I've slept on everything, cheap mattresses, bad hotel mattresses, hunting camp sleep pads, overpriced mattresses, you name it. But when I switched to my Helix mattress, everything changed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I fall asleep faster, I fall asleep deeper, and I wake up feeling restored, rested, and ready to rock and roll. And because every person is different, Helix has a mattress designed just for you. Side sleeper, back sleeper, sleep hot, sleep cold, your spine need a little extra care. Whatever it is, Helix mattresses have got you covered. You can take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
It takes less than two minutes, and you get online, and they'll help you find the perfect mattress for you. Plus, Helix gives you 100 nights to try it out risk-free. Right now, my audience gets 27% off site-wide plus a free bedding bundle with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash Diloni. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell them you heard about it on this show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Go to helixsleep.com slash Diloni. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, Columbia, South Carolina. Let's talk to Asher. What's up, Asher? Hey, Dr. John. It's super wild to be talking to you right now. This is amazing. It's wild to be talking to you, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Just on its face, I mean, I wouldn't judge that as good or bad. I might judge that as wise or unwise or smart or dumb, but I wouldn't categorize that as a moral issue. Tell me what you're thinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Absolutely. I think the balance for 26-year-olds and for 36-year-olds, and I'm especially talking to people who aren't married and who don't have children, dependents, it's a tough balance to begin to do things that will honor future you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
when you have a seat with 50 year old you, will he be glad that you're not married, that you don't have any kids, that you don't have any dependents, that you haven't done this thing that the research says makes you quote unquote less happy, which is a stupid metric in the short term, but that gives you purpose and meaning for all of the rest of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And let's, let's cross our fingers that you've got 70 more years left. 60 more years left. Or do we do the next convenient thing or the next easy thing or the next opt-out thing just because we can? Here's a good example. Let's take living in a car off the table. 26, you're working. You have a good job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And it clearly don't like, uh, I was gonna say like that same thing applies for you right now with, with lifting weights. Like why I'm not playing football. I'm not in college athlete. I'm not fighting anybody. Why in your 60 year old self, whose hip has degenerated. And I've got to do 40 years with artificial hips or I can't move. And my health has fallen off a cliff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Is going to say, man, I wish you had have. And so you're right. Doing the calculation right now, you have no responsibilities and you have no purpose. And so when you are absent those two things, which by the way, this is a cultural issue. This is not an Asher issue, man. So I'm not coming at you. Like you are, you are asking the questions that everyone should be asking right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
the job market is chaos they told us a bill of goods going to college is going to solve all of our problems that if you just get this degree and you probably listened a job in stem cool great and exactly what i did yeah you're like this sucks i keep getting laid off i keep getting fired i keep look whatever um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I'm just going to tell you right now, the greatest gift you could give 27-year-old Asher, the greatest gift you could give 37-year-old Asher, the greatest gift you could give 77-year-old Asher is not stuff. So the question about should I live in my car, I could give you all the data on how your amygdala functions in an unsafe environment. It feels cool to take a two-week vacation and go camping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I would never recommend anyone pack up and move to the woods. Right? That comes at a cost. But what you felt was a... You've been living in a failure factory for the last five years since you graduated college, and it just felt good to opt out for a minute. The greatest gift you could give yourself, your 27-year-old self and on, is to go find a squat bar and get under it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And I'm not talking about a weight room. The greatest gift you can give yourself is responsibilities. The greatest gift you could give yourself is purpose. And you don't have either of those things. responsibilities to a young adult, to somebody in their 20s and 30s, is the weightlifting for your mind and your body and your spirit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
turned a blind eye to a lot of things but um I'll go ahead the straw that's not the straw that broke the camel's back you coming up for air is not the straw that broke the camel's back you saying no more is not the straw that broke the camel's back yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And so it may be a bad quote-unquote investment to have an apartment. I love the fact that you signed a contract. You got to go do something. Yeah. You have to. The question is, the thing you've been trying to do for five years is killing you. So let me back all the way out. Dude, what do you want to do? Or more importantly, who do you want to be? You're not going to have any purpose in life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
You're going to continue to flounder until you find a place where you can contribute. And that's responsibility. What means would you say are the best of going about finding that thing? I'm going to send you – my buddy Ken Coleman, he's got a small book out, but the importance of the book is called Finding the Work You're Wired to Do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I'm going to send it to you for free, but inside of it, it's got an assessment. Here I am. I've got student loan debt. I've got this – or maybe you do or don't, but I've got this job. I've got this degree. This thing has gone away. Nope, I don't have any debt or anything like that. Okay, great, cool. So you're at Even Steven, which is awesome. And that allows you to even ask this question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Can I just opt out of the system? Of course. But my buddy, Josh Milburn, he runs The Minimalist. It's not about buying stuff. And maybe you're figuring this out before most people figure it out at 50 or 60. They got a lot of stuff and they are hollow. Yeah. And you're looking around and be like, I just slept in my car. It's kind of awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I could go sleep whatever parking lot I wanted, et cetera. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
So that's a pretty audacious thing for a 26 year old. Just throw out. What do you mean? Uh,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I would say, A, excitement is a horrific metric to chase. Okay. Right? Novelty and fun, I'm all about that. I like excitement on the path where I'm going. But you get excitement when your team wins the championship, or you get excited when you... find a solution to something. I remember a guy, one time I was in a neighborhood and there was a bad storm and our power went out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And this guy came in at three 30 in the morning on this huge truck. And he climbed up and re redid the transformer at three in the morning in the rain. And he clicked it back on. And I was out there with him. And I said, I yelled up to him. You just gave my family light back. Thank you. And he smiled and said, that's what I do. So it doesn't have to be like curing cancer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Where does the cynicism come from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
So why in the world aren't you chasing that down? What the world needs is a bunch of people who inside, forget the money part, forget the fame part, forget the business part of it. are doing things that light them up because that's what is going to, people are going to be attracted to that. And if you don't know anything, if everything's just running low, right? Everything's just low.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
That's stupid. That's stupid. Were you using other tools besides coming to the table with your husband and saying, I'm not okay with living a life where I'm dead in my own skin? Did you pull off to the side of the road? Yep, you did. Would I recommend that? Having the secrets inside of a house, right? Like going elsewhere for that feeling of aliveness? No, I wouldn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I get no joy out of anything. I get no like out of everything. You got to go sit down and talk to somebody, man. Like a professional? Yes, absolutely. A hundred percent. And you can roll your eyes. I'm not going to pay for it. That's just, that's just the cynicism talking. No, I've paid for it before. He's a cool guy. Okay. Hang on the line here, brother. I'm going to hook you up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I don't want you to think in terms of good and bad. I want you to sit down and write your 50-year-old self a letter and say, at 26, I made some choices. And because I made these choices, here's your life at 50. Mm-hmm. And I'll tell you what, I burned myself to the ground. I burned the candle all the way down in my 20s. And it almost cost me my marriage. It almost cost me friendships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
It cost me a lot. And so I'm not recommending burning it like I did, but I'm often in moments of quiet and solitude. I'm really grateful for my 20-year-old self because I am living in a house built on the foundation that my 20-year-old self, when I didn't have a lot of responsibilities, man, I went all in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I'm super grateful that when things were awkward that I chose to go in again and I didn't just choose to sit down and opt out of the game because I was too clever or sophisticated or pessimistic about the whole thing. Yeah, hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with my buddy Ken's stuff and we'll get you connected there. I think your answer isn't what you told me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
If you were my friend and we were just having a drink at a local pub, I would tell you. I think you know. And it's going to be hard to let software sales go because that's quote unquote who you are. It's not who you are. You're a guy that likes to sit next to people and help them find who they're supposed to be. And that's a great gift. The world needs more of that. Thanks for the call, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
We come back. We're talking to a man who's trying to figure out what's the best way to support a friend who's going through a hard time. Yo, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, eating right, and a million other things. You're tired and you're wired and exhausted all at the same time, and you're trying to hold everything together. I get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
But there are some small daily choices that all of us can make to feel a little more clear-headed and a little less anxious so we can show up and be steady and strong and whole for the people we love. For me, one of those little choices I make every single day includes using Organifi juices and gummies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too. Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are super easy to fit into your daily routine, even when you're on the go. I travel a lot and I always have Organifi travel packs with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
You just mix them with water and they're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice for a great start in the morning. And I love their red juice for caffeine-free energy in the morning and in the afternoon. And of course, I love the Shilajit and the creatine and the happy drop gummies. I love gummies and I love, love healthy gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Good folks, Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 20% off. off. That's Organifi.com slash Deloney. Go check them out. All right, Phoenix, Arizona. Let's talk to Russell. What's up, Russell? Hey, Dr. John. How are you? I'm doing great, brother. What's up with you, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Man, that means the world to me, brother. I'm really appreciative. Thank you so much, man. Awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
You're a good man, dude. I appreciate it. Um, tell me about this cancer. What does she have?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
What's the prognosis? Usually with stage four brain cancer, they can tell you. You got six months. You got max of 10 years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. So, um, I'm going to tell you the two things people have come back and told me over the course of my career that they were most grateful for when they were going through something similar. And one of my oldest best friends in the world who I don't talk about on the show very often, he is, he's in one of what I would call in the vault friends. He went through the same exact thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
But for somebody to say you did this so I went and did something? Nonsense. He made a grown-up choice over and over and over and over again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And I was in his wedding and I was at his wife's funeral when she passed to brain cancer. Okay. The two things that have come back repeatedly over and over, I haven't done this perfect every time. In fact, I've screwed up royally multiple times. Is they've come back and said, nobody would ask us the hard questions and you seem unfazed and you just asked. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And so what feels like you're dancing around, like I don't want to pry too much. They will tell you if I'm not ready to talk about this. I don't want to talk about it. But I remember my friend, when she got... And she was a close friend. I consider her close, too. Like, man, he's one of my brothers. And when she got sick, man, I was asking all kinds of questions. How much time they got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Where is it? Like, what are they doing? Like, asking as many questions. And I'll tell you this. As the cancer progressed and she got closer and closer to passing away, it was made very... She was very clear. And so was her husband. Hey, let's... We just want to talk about it right now. Awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
So that was number one. And this could be as easy as asking, all right, so what kind of cancer is it? And man, what kind of prognosis are they giving you? Usually with this type of stage four aggressive brain cancer, they will say a home run is 10 years. Most people hit singles and they get four. Occasionally people get nine months, right? They'll tell you that kind of ballpark.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And so asking that question directly is not out of bounds. And in fact, it can often be a relief because both of them are carrying it. And as most people who get cancer find out, they find themselves responsible for how everybody else around them feels. And so asking those direct questions can often be a gift. Like, I'll carry some.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And let me tell you this. If there's any possible way you can get on a plane and go down there and see her, see him, do that. Even if you have to fly on a Friday night, only spend Saturday and fly out Sunday morning, go do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Go beneath the pornography. Do you feel horrible that you didn't tell them the truth for 20 years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Don't ask, how can I help just show up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And if you send food, if you just start making, you, you put a note on yourself and you start having food delivered every Monday, they can be grownups and throw it in the trash. Yeah. Um, Just show up. Yeah. And your buddy, who's a first responder, tough guy, would be really out of, it would be out of character for him to say, hey, I need you here just to give you a hug.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
He's not going to say that. Yeah. Oh, for sure. His wife's certainly not going to say that. And by the way, people get flooded with family. That cannot, that doesn't always mean it's a good thing because a whole bunch of family shows up and wants you to make them feel better when you're dying of cancer. Right? Yeah. Yep. So sometimes showing up and be like, dude, I'm getting us out of here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I remember going to a bar and having beer out of a bottle. I used to, I used to love this woman because she was only, she would just crush beers out of a bottle. I think that was the coolest thing. And she was hilarious and she was amazing. And just saying, all right, we're done with all of the whiny hiney. We're all going out. We went to a social distortion concert together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Like it was like it, we went and did stuff until stuff we couldn't do it anymore. So that's number one. Yeah, I mean, that sounds great. So number one is that. And number two, don't send what I call text bombs. Hey, how are you? Don't send text like thinking about you. Pick up the stupid phone and call. Okay. And don't give them another job to do. You tell me how you're doing. Yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Just call it with a funny joke, with a funny meme, with a funny... All right, so you got the cancers. What's up? Yeah. A buddy of mine recently had a quadruple bypass, and he's like 48 years old. I'm going to tell you what my phone call was like with him. Deloney, is this you? Dude, I heard your heart exploded. That's how I started the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Do you feel horrible that you were worth more than putting your head in the sand? Do you feel horrible that you don't trust yourself because you knew for all these years what was going on and you chose not to do anything about it? Because I think you feel horrible, potentially. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all about pornography. I just don't think so.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
He started laughing so hard, I thought he was going to have another... going to cardiac arrest again. Now, hey, now that's not my wife's personality. That's not everybody's personality, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
But here's the message I sent to him. You're sick. You're going through a tough time. I'm not suddenly going to be like, oh, because I don't stitch things into pillows. Yep. I'm still going to love you. Fool me. The last thing is say way less than you think. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
sometimes just dude i'm calling this sucks yep not hey dude i've been googling and i found there's a new none of that yeah i think they're probably doing enough googling themselves i don't need to i don't need to do that that's right and hey um do you mind if i do something do you mind tagging in here kelly
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Kelly's a cancer survivor. Um, I'm, I'm rattling things off to Russell here. Anything out of bounds that I've said and B is there anything else you want to throw in here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And in a case like this, nobody's going to ask them, Hey, are you going to die? Yeah. And sometimes that's the question they're desperate for somebody to ask them. Yep. I think that's one of the first things I asked Kelly, are you going to die? And she's like, no, John, like, and, um, this, this is Kelly's personality and this is my personality. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Kelly, I can assure you there were times when you came back to work, um, That if people had heard some of your inner circles, some of the jokes we were making, they would have been very uncomfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
You violated your own moral compass when it comes to pornography, fine. And you're allowed to feel guilty. Guilt is a good emotion. It signals us when we have violated one of our own internal values. And if that's a value you violated, cool. Feel guilty. But don't you dare peg the collapse of your marriage on that one thing. Similarly, flip it around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And by the way, Russell, there's going to be people who are struggling with cancer. Your friend, that may not be funny. Yeah. Kelly and I have a mutual friend and colleague right now is going through some tough stuff. That wouldn't be a great way to handle it with that person. Yeah. Right. Yeah. No. Yeah. I get that. And so that person is you're going to handle that differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
But I think the thing is to keep true to the nature of the friendship. My oldest friend on planet Earth is a paraplegic was in a terrible car accident. And I remember me and him. I mean, me and his brother and one of our other ride or die friends. These are these are forty five plus year friendships. I remember we were in a, not a Waffle House, what's the pancake? IHOP. IHOP.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And we were all saying, hey, are we going to just stop making jokes? And I remember we're like, nope. He didn't get a pass just because he's in a wheelchair. He's still our brother, dude. And then it's like, all right, game on. And it's, dude, we've gotten stopped at restaurants. We've gotten stopped at parking lots. There's been some moments they're like, all right, that's probably too far.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And by the way, he dishes out too. But all I have to say is this, keep the nature of your friendship whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
But sometimes, um, if your friends have a demented sense of humor, like me and my friends do, um, Getting online and ordering them two dozen cupcakes that have the words F cancer on them is hilarious. Yeah. Making a demented cake is hilarious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And other times showing up with flowers and a hug, if that's the nature of your friendship and that's the person on the other end of this thing, that's who you would have been if you found out they're pregnant. That's who you would have been if you found out their mother passed away. That's who we're going to be in this moment too. Yeah. It's when the whole identity of the friendship changes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Like, oh, my goodness. If I walked into – I'm thinking of a friend right now who's struggling. If I just showed up at their house and was like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Come here. They'd be like, dude, what's wrong with you? Yeah. Right? Yeah. Finding ways to be yourself and inject joy into a really dark moment and not make them be the ones to make you feel. That's just it, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
So thank you for loving your friend really well, dude. Man, the world needs more friends like you who want to show up and just want to do it right. And your presence and often your silence, your presence means the world. Thank you so much, my friend. All right, I've been talking about the benefits of red light therapy forever. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about Bonn Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights and little tiny screens and medium-sized screens and gigantic screens and sometimes all these screens at the same time. All of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bonn Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. And I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, all of it. And listen up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
If your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I got the mask and it is awesome. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. And it's simple. There's no creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
If he was looking at pornography, which would put him 90 plus percent of all men in America, and you cheated on him eight different times with eight different men. If you looked at him and said, hey, this is your fault. Come on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Bondcharge.com slash Deloney. Use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. All right, we have a money and marriage question from a live event. This is a real question that somebody posed at a live event in an anonymous... In an anonymous... Man, I'm so good with the English language. In an anonymous Q&A box. And so here's one of the questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
What do you do when both of you thinks the other never initiates sex? Um... This is going to sound absurd, and this is just popping into my head. But if you're both sitting there saying, you never initiate sex. And the other person says, I do it all the time. You never initiate sex. And you're like, I do it all the time. You never. Cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Then for the next 30 days, we're just going to keep a tally mark. Or be silly about it. Add some sort of levity into a heavy situation and say, all right, I'm initiating sex. And begin to just call it out. Because when both of you think a thing and the other one's accusing you, all right, then we need to go to the data. And there's not a lot of data, right? But we have sex all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Actually, I marked it on the calendar. We've had it twice in the last two months. On this day and this day. Or we never have sex. We had it four times last week. No, we didn't. Yeah, we did. It wasn't very long, trust me, but we did, right? We did. And so there's something about the data. That was a good joke. There's something about just data. It just is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And so, by the way, don't, this is important, don't bomb each other. It's like don't secretly record somebody and be like, no, you said it in push play. Don't do that. But say, okay, I think I'm initiating all the time, and I'm clearly not doing a good job at initiating because you're not getting my initiation, and I'm blaming you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
So for the next month, the next 30 days, when you think you're initiating, when I think I'm initiating, I'm going to either call it out or I'm going to make a little tally mark in my calendar, and we'll get to the end of the month, and we're going to start tracking how I think I'm initiating. I put on my special brah. Well, I didn't get it. I put my phone away. I missed that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Hold on. Why? I think you're so blinded by the gas lights. They're so bright. What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. Thanks for joining us. talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriage, taking calls from all over the planet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I put three cups that were on the table into the dishwasher. I thought that was me saying, it's go time, baby. Like, I missed it. So maybe you're both initiating and it's not, the signal's not coming through. There's too many clouds and you can't see the bad signal. So let's just start. Let's call it out. And by the way, this isn't just about sex. This is, you never help around the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I always help around the house. All right. Just for 30 days, not to weaponize anything. Just want to keep track of it. And you keep track of the times you walked in and the dishwasher was still full. And I was in there just farting around on my phone. And I'm going to keep track of the times I did the dishwasher. And we're going to get to the end of the month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And all these times I thought I was doing it. I actually only did it once. I'm sorry. I did it once a week. I did it four times in a month. And that meant you had to do it twice a day for like the other 24 days of the month, 28 days of the month. Sorry. Right? So when you get stuck with feelings, let's just start going to the data for a bit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And if you use this data to weaponize, you're not a good person. Don't do that. Don't do that. This is just to help us sift through the shame and the vulnerability we feel when we try to initiate something as sensitive as sex, and then we feel rejected. So I'm just going to write it down, call it out, and then we'll go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Hopefully, this allows you both to begin initiating sex in a language you both understand, and then the house will be a-rockin', so we will not come a-knockin'. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Hold on. Why? I think you're so blinded by the gas lights. They're so bright. He cheated on you eight times. He had sex with eight different people. Yeah. Call me crazy. That is a different level of betrayal. In my book, it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
It's a cosmic different level.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Are you crazy? You're not crazy. I don't want to say, are you crazy? I'm saying that in a loving way. Like if we were sitting together, you would see me smiling. So if nothing else on this call, let me tell you, you're not nuts. No. If every time I had sex with my wife, I was worried about getting a disease or
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
getting sick, not being able to be there for my son down the road, having to go to the doctor and go through insanely invasive checkups. Like, Ann, like this guy has, let me ask you this. Let me just ask you this. Let's say just for devil's advocate, this is a hundred percent your fault, right? And because you didn't want to have sex with him, he felt licensed to go sleep with eight other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
By the way, that's the number you know. You know it's more than that. I know it's more than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Do you have the power to force him into another woman's bed? Do you have that kind of power? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Do you even have the power when you were married to spend money like you wanted to? No. Did you even have the power to parent like you wanted to, to drive what you wanted to drive? No. No. You've never had that kind of power in this relationship. And because he's embarrassed, his own family is looking at him and saying your marriage fell apart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Because he's a lying coward, he figured out how to take all of... Just a mountain of things he did to violate your trust, to violate your relationship, to violate your safety, to violate being a good male role model for your son. He did all that and just handed it to you. And because you've always carried that lack of power, you decided to pick this one up too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Here's what I hear. And again, divorce is catastrophic. People blow it off. It is catastrophic. It's awful. It's awful. But listen to me, sister, you are free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay, tell me about the sadness. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Let me free you from that. This is going to sound nuts what I say. I know many men who are exceptional parents, good loving fathers, and they struggle with pornography. Your husband blew up your marriage, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Can't do anything about what's going on in the news, can't do much of anything, but we can begin to acknowledge the person we see in the mirror. We can be present for our families. We can figure out what's the next right move for ourselves. And that's what this show's about. People pulling up a seat at the table and just saying, hey, man, I'm struggling. And my promise is I'll sit with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Hold on. Were you thriving under him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
No. Okay, then exhale. It's all a social media mirage. And you're right to be heartbroken. You're right to understand the ramifications of a young boy growing up in a single mother home. You're right. It's going to be tough for him. And you're going to need to get some mentors. You're going to need to surround him with men who are actually decent human beings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
But you going around and beating yourself up because you escaped from a wildly unsafe relationship is not going to help him. You're being heartbroken and sad. I wanted you to have a stable home and I married, I made a child with somebody who lacked such basic common decency and integrity. Even when he did choose to be a serial cheater and repeatedly put your mother, your mommy at risk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
I tried to keep this thing together because I believed in my guts. Having a two parent household was going to be better for you in the long run. And that just didn't, it didn't work out. I'm sorry. Heartbroken. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Sometimes, sometimes, well, I don't want to go down that road. Like, I guess I'm just heartbroken because this was an incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. And for some reason, not for some reason, I know why, but I'm trying to be over the top a little bit, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
For some reason, you have framed a picture of your husband and you still invite him to dinner every night to speak in on how you're cooking, how you're raising your boy, how you look, how you feel. Yeah. And that guy never deserved that voice into your life. And he especially doesn't now. And who gives five bags of farts what his family thinks about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
What's embarrassing? That your husband sucks and you escape?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Hold on, hold on. Let's dig into that. Who's everybody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
like my son plays football and he was the coach and he had told several people on the team about it did you tell him about all the people he cheated with no I have not no did he oh no he didn't and so all you have to do is smile and say he is a pathological liar and I'm moving on with my life because I know I'm a good mom and I know I did every single solitary thing I could do to keep that stupid marriage together and then I'm walking away
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
If you want to be on the show, reach out John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Love to have you on the show. Billings, Montana. Let's talk to Anne. What's up, Anne?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And I know that sounds easy. And I know your other circles, because by the way, a guy who is deceitful in that way to his wife and to his son is deceitful with the other coaches. He's deceitful with his friends. He's deceitful with his family. Listen, and they know. They know. There's the occasion that somebody has a long-term affair or a one-night stand and it stuns everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Someone who's a serial cheater, they all know. All their wives feel uncomfortable when he's around. They know. The husbands know that he's kind of eyeballing their wife or their daughters. They know. Everybody knows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. What makes him the best man you've ever met?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Have you sat down and said, dad, my husband had eight affairs that he's admitted to and God knows however many else?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. And has your dad known that his daughter looked at porn too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. And did your dad get up from his side of the table and come over and give you a hug and say, I love you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. Then let that be true. Yes. Okay. And you're not a spoiled brat. And so you also trust your dad that if you had been in the wrong, he would have said, I'm so sorry, honey, you blew this thing up. I love you. I'll sit with you. And he didn't do that, did he?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Because he's a respectable man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
Okay. So in these moments, I guess if you get nothing from this call, you're not crazy. You didn't blow this thing up. Did you violate your own core value? Yeah, we all do. And we all wonder if we're worthy of being loved. And thank God you have somebody. Many people have nobody. You've got at least one person that looks up and says, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're my daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
And you choosing to respect yourself and keep yourself safe was not a violation of your marriage contract. It's you being human. It's you being smart. You being wise. Here's what we're going to do next. I'm going to give you a copy of Building an Unanxious Life as my gift to you, okay? We're going to mail it out to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I am having the time of my life. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
What are the things that she's, what are the things that she's doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yeah. And so that's the, uh, that's the sucky thing that you signed up for. And, and again, I know you didn't, I know you didn't know what you were signing up for, but like, it's like a timeshare, like it's yours and it's yours forever. Right. And it sounded like a good idea, but here we are. And so I, I, I think the things you can manage on your end are,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
having like, and this is gonna sound so cheesy, but I want you to see what I'm building here, okay? How old are these kids that are coming and going?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Do you have a good relationship with them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I want you to begin, if you haven't already, I want you to begin, just you if possible, alternating weeks by taking each one of them out to breakfast or dinner by themselves. I want you to get a nice leather-bound journal, and I want you to look both of them in the eye and say, this is the cheesiest, lamest thing, but I want you to do this for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And I want you to write a few sentences every night and put it on their bed, and their job is they have to write back and put it on your bed. But I want it to be things like, I just need you, if you didn't hear it today from anybody, I think you're an amazing kid. And find specific things that you... I want you to catch them doing great or working hard or...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
The language is with little kids, I want to catch you being good instead of pointing out all the negative things. And the world of a 14 and 16-year-old is everyone on the planet telling them where to sit, how to dress, what to do. I can't believe you did that. And that's their peers. That's their teachers. That's their coaches. And what you're doing is you're planting seeds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
You're creating a soil that says this house will always be safe. And as you begin to build relational trust, and this is, you've got it. They trust you. They like you. This is, we're talking about depth of soil here. It is start a practice called what's one secret or you and your husband begin talking about how we don't keep secrets. Secrets will kill you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And what are we, we're not going to solve that now. What you're doing is you're playing a game for when they're 25. Actually, you're not playing a game at all. You're building soil because they're going to hit... Life is going to hit them in the face. You know this. And so we want them to know that when that does, you are a safe person to call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Hey, do me a favor, brother. Talk directly into the phone for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yeah, but she gets to see that mom and dad have boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And she gets to see mom and dad mean what she says. And by the way, she's 16. And so being 16 and getting a text from anybody else, much less your mom, and saying, hey, sneak away and do this thing, that's going to be the most appealing thing in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And so you're not going for being liked here. You're going for being loved and respected here. I got boundaries. And this is your time here at our home. And I think there's language like, this home doesn't work without you here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And not that your kid is propping you and your husband up, but that the whole family works together. And there's just a suck factor to it. How lame that another adult is using a 16-year-old to prop up her own emotions. That's the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And you can't do anything about it unless your husband wants to take her back to court to quit doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
No, that is a no. Yeah, y'all aren't going to do that. And so it's an emotional immaturity, and it just is what it is. But what you're hoping is that when your daughter reaches the age of 21, because right now she's going to be like, you're keeping me from my mom. I'm 16. I got my own car. I can do whatever I want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
You'd let me go to the movies with my friends, but you just won't let me go to the movies with her, that kind of stuff. And she'll probably start sneaking away to go do it, right? And I think there's something about holding a boundary line. And also, here's the other side of that. If she sneaks away to go be with her mom at the movie theater, I mean, what are you going to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
They shouldn't be, and there's nothing you can do about it because they have another adult on the other side shoving them in the middle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
The thing you can do right now is be heartbroken for them, and then go be as stable and as secure and as, as Becky Kennedy says, as sturdy as possible. And by the way, it's going to intensify. When they turn 17, 18, mom's going to slip them drinks. Mom's going to have parties over at the house that y'all won't have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Mom's going to talk about going to Stanford when y'all can afford the, you know, whatever, like North Dakota State. And there's going to be all these wars. Yeah. And I think it's important for dad especially, but for both of you to say, we are not going to war with your mom. We're just giving you the reality of our situation here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
It does. And so you're going to have to risk being unliked for, you're just not going to be liked. I mean, like, you're just not going to be liked. And it makes me sad for you. Because in a perfect world, co-parenting adults would both act like adults. And they would come up, for the sake of the kids, they would come up with some consistent values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Part of me thinks if parents could do that, they wouldn't got divorced in the first place. But for the sake of the kids, knowing that the toggle back and forth, but it's very, very common that one parent is so insecure and wants to be the cool parent or the, I told you so parent or the, like, I want my kids to like me so desperately parent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
that I'm going to risk their safety, I'm going to risk their boundaries, I'm going to risk their emotional security because they're having to toggle between two homes. It's lame and it's awful, but it is. It happens all the time. And so you have to cash out. And this is for all parents of teenagers. We're going to go through one year, two years, four years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
We're going to go through a long period of time where you don't like me. And I'm okay with that because I love you. My job is to keep you safe and my job is to teach you boundaries and what safety and security and stability looks like. And then when the kid turns 21 or 24 or 26, they begin to go, oh, okay. And is that unfortunate? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Do you miss out on some laughter and some joy and some shut doors like, you're the worst? Yes. And I hate it, but it is. And so here's the important thing for you, Jennifer. The more energy you spend on wishing it wasn't like this, the more energy you're giving away to energy that could be used being present, going for walks, being silly. writing notes, having meals, having individual things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Because here's what we're doing with that kid. We want our kid's nervous system to down-regulate when they're in our presence, not up-regulate. And if a parent is sneaking away, texting a kid going, hey, I know the court ordered this, but see if you can sneak away from your stupid stepmom and your dumb dad and come hang out with me because I'm awesome and cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
A kid's heart rate is going to increase. It's going to activate them. And what we want is our kids to walk in the door and know whom of all the chaos of social media and of the drama that has been a high school kid and the future college and the impending doom of the world as all the media sources are selling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And my mom, all this, we want them to come home and know that they're, this is home base. And I have to be willing to risk my kid not liking me, but their nervous system knowing I'm finally home. So Jennifer, maybe you write an imaginary letter that God help you never send it to stepmom, to their birth mother, and just say, I wish you weren't doing this, but I'm letting this go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I'm not giving you any more real estate in my head. And when your kids come home and say, oh, you can tell them, hey, we don't keep secrets here. We don't keep secrets here. We're never going to get mad at your mom because she just does what she does. But we don't keep secrets here. We love you. And you're always, always welcome here. Thanks for the call, man. Sorry you're in a pickle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
It just makes me sad on behalf of these kids that are just certain adults that are hell-bent on acting like children. Thanks for hanging in there, Jen. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to San Francisco and talk to Not-So-Plain Jane. What's up, Jane?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
No, no, no, no, no. She needs to leave the entirety of it to you with instructions on what to do with it. Oh, okay. Because here's what's going to happen. She's going to leave, like, let's say a home to six people. Two kids of one brother, two kids of another brother, and your two kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Okay, so think about this. So it's to five people, and one of those kids is going to be broke and want to move in. And then another one of those kids' wife is going to want to sell that house because she wants the cash to redo her kitchen. And you are going to want to just slow down everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And somebody's going to sue somebody who's going to sue somebody who's going to end up in court and they're going to sell it and you're going to lose money on the house and then everyone's going to walk away hating each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yes. The greatest gift is leave you the house with instructions to when you die or immediately you sell the house and give proceeds to X, Y, and Z. But it's very common that there's a ranch and the parents leave the ranch to all three kids. And one of those kids has an ex who has a stepson. And that stepson says, that land's worth $4 million. I want to sell it right now. And it just gets chaotic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Hold on, hold on. You keep referring to an incident, dude. And here, like, tell me what I'm missing. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you've joined us. Thanks for being here, talking real people, going through real stuff. Their emotional health, their mental health, their relationships, whatever they got going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I mean, if it's a clean split and she wants to give Tony Jr. something and Danny Jr. something, she can do that. I like leaving everything to a trust and having you as the custodian of the trust. Okay. And then asking mom, what are your wishes for this trust? And she writes them out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
When I pass away, I want like a third of the total cost of these assets to go to these two kids and they can split it up. And I want a third to go to these folks, and I want a third to go to you. Or, you know what, I just want my grandkids to have $25,000 each. And you can decide how we're going to get that dollar amount.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
You all get to decide that, but I think it's asking, here's the deal, I think it's asking your mother, what are her end goals for each one of these grandkids? Okay. And trying to find an exact dollar amount is really a tough way to do it. It is. And more so, you know, granddaughter Susan is really into art and design. I want enough money for her to go to art and design school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And that might be 120 grand. And Tim is really into plumbing. I want to pay for him to go to plumbing school. That's going to be 22,000. Okay. But I think asking her that, but yeah, if you, if she just decides to leave her assets to five people, it, it just takes, I've only seen that done well one time, one time. And it was interestingly, it was my, my dad's parents, my dad's older brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I remember the Christmas day I was younger. I remember it. My dad's oldest brother, my uncle, there's four of them, four kids, three brothers and a daughter. My oldest uncle called a meeting and he went in the back bedroom at a Christmas Eve, Christmas gathering of our whole family. And he, as the oldest brother said, there's gonna be no fighting, no hating, no dissension.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Our family will not be broken up as my grandparents were getting really, really old. And their health was faltering. And he pointed at one of my uncles and says, you're an accountant, you're on the money. I'm gonna handle some of the medical stuff and my family will be responsible for this. And they just split it up that way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And if you want a thing, go put a sticker on the bottom of the furniture of the couch or the whatever. And we are not gonna divide our family over this. And that's the only way I've ever seen it done in all the other, everybody shook hands, they all hugged and that was that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
When my grandparents passed, it was the smoothest transition I've ever seen, but it's because one brother had the respect of everybody else, and all four of them are really amazing people of character. Right. And that was it. And it's just, I've never seen it happen like that any other way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yeah, I would, how much money are we talking here? Are we talking millions? Are we talking $100,000 total?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Okay. One million or multiple millions? Two. Two millions. Okay. So it may be, mom, how do you want to split this up? Do you want each grandkid to get 250 grand? Do you want each kid to get 250 grand's worth of a thing? And I think making you the custodian of the trust... as her oldest daughter, her last remaining child, at some point, she's going to have to trust you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I guess she can make a lawyer, the custodian of the trust. But my guess is she trusts you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
So it's always, it's rarely the kid. Occasionally, it's the kid that they don't, the parent doesn't trust. But I'm less worried about that. I'm more worried about...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
one of those grandkids married to somebody who finds out or thinks that their grandmother was worth millions, plural, and they just start suing, they start demanding, they start fighting, they start claiming, and it just takes a really special moment of grief and mourning and a really cool story where your grandmother and your mom and dad saved millions to share in their legacy, and it becomes just poisoned.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I hear that about it all the time. I wouldn't have a job if it didn't happen, and it breaks my heart every time. Because it's just so unnecessary. But people just get starry-eyed, and they're going to say, no, that house is worth $8 million. Like, it's clearly not. Right. And then the whole thing just gets silly. So as clear as can be, and as...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Leave it to a trust, or she leaves it all to you with very clear written instructions as the executor of the will. I want this much to go to each one of these grandkids, and the rest will go to you to split among your kids when you die. And by the way, you get to decide which, you know, heaven forbid one of your kids is struggling with addiction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
The worst thing you could do is leave him half a million dollars. Right. Right? And so you get to decide how you handle your two kids. Got it. And I think there's some, having some guiding principles, $2 million is a chunk of money. Handing a grandkid a quarter of a million dollars may be the greatest gift ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Handing a grandkid who is really struggling with opiates a quarter of a million dollars will kill them. And so having the discernment or having an executor of the will or a custodian of the trust that can both meet grandmother's wishes and also have some discernment because I refuse to kill one of my grandkids with a gift. Right. See what I'm saying? Yep. So all this is messy. All this is hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I would sit down with your mom and lay out what I just did. I'm not worried about it's not about honoring her sons. It's about the reality of, hey, all those kids may have married somebody who may have a weird cousin. And here's how we're going to do this. We're going to leave it all. Right. And we're going to go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And I love for how old are, how old are these grandkids? Anywhere from 27 to 40. Okay. So they're established, right? They're all single and established.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Okay. And so maybe it's a matter of, um, the money is left to you to help pay off a mortgage. I'm not giving away cash. Yeah. Or maybe the money is left to establish a second trust for their kids. If they ever have them for them to go to college.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
That's cool. I mean, you get to make all the suggestions. It's her money at the end of the day. And here's what really will break your heart. She can do whatever she wants with her money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And I hate that, but it is what it is, what it is. And if that's the case, I would take my one third and I would stay as far away from that dance as possible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
That's a lot to think about. It is. Just remember this clear as kind. And let's think not in dollar amounts. Let's think in stewardship. What do we want this money to be used for? How can this money bless somebody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
is it education is it a mortgage is it health care like what is this money going to be used for um the worst thing would be a lifetime of money saved and earned to pass on that gets blown on vacations and depreciating asset like a stupid car purchase and like what what a what a blow to such an amazing legacy right right yeah yeah yeah hey she's lucky to have you as her daughter
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Best of luck to you. I also know no parent, no parent wants to talk about money or sex with their kids. And so that's a tough conversation just to have, period. But yikes. All right, Jane, thanks for the call. Everybody, we'll be right back. All right. Hey, we are back. I've got some cool housekeeping things. First.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Right now, there are some mega sales going on on Questions for Humans cards and Building a Non-Anxious Life. Right now, Questions for Humans is on sale for $12. Kelly, where do they go? RamseySolutions.com slash store. Okay. And Building a Non-Anxious Life is 30% off until December 20th. So RamseySolutions.com slash store.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Go get your Christmas shopping done there with things that will actually help people instead of shiny shenanigan crap that's just going to end up in... a desk drawer somewhere, and bleh. Also, we're getting so close to the million milestone on YouTube. If you'll do me a huge favor, this is like one of those just lame asks, but here we are. Will you go subscribe to the show?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
There's something else here because either that or she is laying down emotional finish lines for you. And every time you cross them for her, she moves them again. Yeah. Because she's unsettled in her own skin and she's trying to make you fix it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Go over to youtube.com slash John Deloney and subscribe. We're getting so close. And one of my goals this year is to hit the million mark before January 1st. So head over there. It really would make a big difference for us. And really, it's just... No, I want to hit a goal every once in a while. I got a goal to get better looking this year. And wah, wah. And a goal to win Battle of the Bands.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Didn't even make finals. Wah, wah. So help a brother out here. Hey, that's it. I hope everything is going well in your life right now. And if it's not, head straight towards the discomfort. I love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Talk to you soon. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Hold on, hold on. You keep referring to an incident, dude. And here, like, tell me if what I'm missing, because what I hear is during a global pandemic, um, Your wife quit her job and stayed at home with one or two new babies. You went to work, and you doubled down at work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Okay, but the incident here is you just kept working really hard, and she was kind of panicked, and you were kind of panicked. Yes. That's not an incident. That is a innate natural response to the world imploding on itself. Right. It's like if a building is on fire and it starts collapsing... And then two people run out the front door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
It's like the one who ran right is just furious and pissed that the other person ran left. It's like, dude, you don't judge that innate response. So, okay, cool. You didn't do that. In retrospect, you wish you had worked a little bit less and held her on the couch more or been more present with X, Y, or Z. That's not an incident.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
That's a thing couples go through when there's stress and pulls on a relationship and you learn from it and then you move on. Right. So anything that happens now three years, four years later, unless I'm missing something, I think she's wanted out of this relationship for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
But you called me asking, what can you do for her to trust you again? It sounds like, and I don't want to talk ill of people who aren't here, it sounds like she's the problem. She doesn't want to trust you, or she's just going to keep using those things to see somebody else, to not have to, you see what I'm saying? What am I missing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
My commitment is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Let's go out to 817 out to Fort Worth, Texas and talk to Tony. What up, Tony?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, not, I'm sorry to interrupt you. What did you do to violate trust? You work too much during a pandemic?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Bro, you are being gaslit to Mars and back. Uh-huh. If my wife, my wife, if she found a text on my phone to Kelly that said, hey, I'm waiting for you, where are you? Actually, that text would probably be in reverse a lot. Like her, Kelly, texting me, where are you? Because I'm late. But it would never even enter my wife's mind that I'm having a sexual affair with somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yeah, that's unhealthy. That's unhealthy. Yeah. It's unhealthy on your part. You are living inside of an electric cattle fence. Unless you're totally withholding on me, I don't think you're the one. Getting a text message from a female coworker that says, hey, I appreciate you. Awesome job. On a sales call. On a bailing me out of a thing. On a whatever. Right? That's not a weird thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Unless your spouse has specifically said, you have violated my trust in the past, and part of rebuilding trust is going to be, I don't want you texting female coworkers. She gets to say that and you get to decide whether I'm in or out on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Well, I appreciate you, man. I don't get to talk to Texans enough, so glad to have you on. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yeah. Yeah. Hold on. But you have to be specific.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Yeah, bro. I feel like she's burning you to the ground. You can't just say like, hey, when you came home, you were cold. How? You were just cold. Yeah. Or, Hey man, you, you, you don't like, you make it hard to trust how, cause you just are hard to trust. Right. Or I need you more available. Okay. Like I'm all in. Oh my gosh. You don't know. Right. See what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Do you know how many women listening to this, this, this phone call would kill for their husbands to talk less and actually like go act right. Right. And I've had seasons when I'm in my head, I'm cold walking in the door. And my wife says, hey, when you come in and you're staring at your phone on one phone, your social media phone, and you're on the other phone, you're not done with work. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
That's a specific request. Hey, when I come home from work, will you stop whatever you're doing and just meet me at the door and give me a hug? Yeah, of course. That's a specific request. What's happening to you is somebody who has put on a pair of glasses that is anything I feel bad about in my own skin is his fault. And no matter what he does, he goes and provides too much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Well, then I'm going to complain that he's not quote unquote around. What does around mean? I don't know. I'm just going to keep moving that. When you walk in the door after leaving work an hour earlier, half an hour early, so you can be quote unquote present, then it's, well, now you're coming in cold. All right. What does that mean? Well, you know, you should know. here's the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I want to move a little bit past the words need in your home. I want to move past that. I think the word need is becoming a weapon in your home. I want you to both to move to the word want because need is sounds like you're starving somebody of something like I need food. I'm going to die. I need water. I'm going to, I'm going to dehydrate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I need this or I need presence or I need, you know, there comes a moment in a relationship. It's really important to say what you need, but there comes a moments when the word need is a weapon. So I want y'all to switch it. I want you to say, here's what I want. And I want you to be very specific on pictures and words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
When she says you came in cold, I want you to look at her and say, okay, paint me a picture of what you want when I come in the door. I love you to the moon and back. I'm going to give you that picture. What do you want that? I don't know. I just, what picture do you want? You want me to have no bag? You want me to have my phones off and left in the car?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
What do you want me to come in with my arms wide open? What do you want that to look like? What do you want my, like the morning routine to look like? What do you want our sex and intimacy life to look like? What do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Because you're getting a lot of amorphous needs and need is just beating you over the head with a hammer and not giving you any clear direction and bro, I I don't I don't hear a thing you did to quote-unquote violate trust unless she said if you go to work again past six o'clock I'm gonna just assume you don't love me And you were like, yeah, I don't care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I'm gonna stay till 10 But it doesn't sound like that's what happened So this is one of those clarifying, put your arm on the table and just wipe everything off of it. And you look across the table with your wife and say, do you want to be married to me? Because I want to be married to you. And I can't figure out how to meet your quote unquote needs. So I want to hear what do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
I'll do my best, man. I'll do my best.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
What do you want? And by the way, you get to make a list of the things that you want. And it sounds like the Gottman's talk about this But you have to assume positive intent if your marriage is going to make it. You have to change your default setting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
And what I mean by that is you have to assume that if somebody says something wrong or comes in a little bit cold, that they're not doing it to spite you. They're doing it because, man, they must have had a rough day. Or man, their head must be somewhere else. They must've just survived a car wreck on the way home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Like it's assuming the best, not assuming I feel bad or I've had a rough day or I'm angry or whatever. And it has to be your fault because you said it wrong. Your intentions were wrong. Your text message is wrong. And now here's the deal, Tony. You're finding yourself deleting like innocuous, like coworker messages. Hey, great job on the sales call today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
You're deleting that because you don't want to poke the dragon. Your marriage is on thin, thin ice, brother. And I think it's one of those stop the music, turn on the lights moments. Do you want to be married to me? Because I really want to be married to you. What do we both want this thing to look like? Very specifically in pictures. And we're going to begin to practice that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Because my guess is your wife, for some reason, for whatever reasons, has become very uncomfortable with the life that she has co-created. And instead of saying what she wants, she's blaming you for every ill will, every discomfort that she has. And it's not fair. She's got to own her stuff. You've got to own yours. And together, you have to say, I'll serve you and you serve me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Is Unhappy No Matter What I Do
Let's go build something amazing. So I think it's time. Do you want to be married to me? And let's reverse engineer that question. If you got some specifics, brother, I'm always here. And if she wants to call, I'm always here. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to North Dakota and talk to Jennifer. What's up, Jennifer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And so for you, it's getting a couple of pictures in your mind of you and him having a great time. And what you'll do with your mind over time, is it lightning bolts that picture in? You're like, nope. And you exhale and breathe. I'm going to give five or 10 seconds on the memory of us holding hands, of us running, being silly or whatever. The first time he kissed you, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I don't know what the thing is, but whatever thing brings you like a small smile to the corner of your mouth. And I'm going to meditate on that. I'm going to remember how he looked, how he felt, how he smelled, how I felt inside. Do you get what I'm saying? This sounds so cheesy, but it's something you practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And then I want you to keep some sort of journal that when you have those feelings, I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like he's more experienced than me. I feel like whenever he tells me a story or I think about him, I feel how bad I felt when it was happening to me. I'm going to write those things and get those out of my body because I get to feel them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But then I'm going to go do the next right thing. And the next right thing might be gratitude. It might be kindness. It might be just finding somebody to text and to say, hey, I just want to let you know real quick, I love you. But you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It's all about not thinking about the next right thing, but doing a thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It does. It's a pain in the butt. And I'm sorry that somebody hurt you. And I'm sorry that somebody hurt him. And I'm trusting you. I'm glad y'all found each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But he's going to have to go through the same thing, right? Has he forgiven himself?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Okay. One of the worst things is two people who sit together and they just mire in their traumatic pasts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It just becomes like goo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And you've been there, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry somebody did that to you. That shouldn't happen like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Yeah. And sorry that you got the meta message that all guys are like that because they're just not. They're just not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I know, I know. And here's the deal. Your body's just trying to protect you. So even if you have those exhale thoughts where you intentionally drop your shoulders and you say, I'm not going to war with my body. I'm trying to keep me safe. Thank you for trying to keep me safe. And I'm good right now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
That's a very colorful way to put that. Well done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st. Listen, you've heard me say this a thousand times, you're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost. 90% off your first week. Let's be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And I know actually going to therapy can seem like a huge first step, but it's more accessible than you think. BetterHelp makes therapy more convenient because it's online and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Your wellbeing is worth it. And this offer makes it easier than ever to start. Right now, BetterHelp is offering 90% off your first week of therapy now through March 31st, 2025. This is the biggest discount we've ever offered on this show. 90% off your first week. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get started. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Go into all the details that you want to. It'll help the show. I'm just kidding. Totally kidding. You talk about what you're comfortable with. All right, so he had a past.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I love, love their sheets, and their towels are giant and soft, and they don't get all thin and crusty after going through the laundry. They are the best. Sheet sets are soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. And like I said, you'll feel the quality of their bath sheets right away. They're so huge, they don't call them towels.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
They call them bath sheets, and they're actually more like a bath comforter. Listen, it doesn't matter what they're called. They're just amazing. And I also recently got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under to watch the show. It's bye-bye for my anxiety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Cozy Earth is my go-to, and it can be your go-to for building a sanctuary in your home so you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next. And remember, Cozy Earth's spring into comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off all products. That's 40, yes, 40% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Me and my homie Dave Ramsey are going on a short tour, and we're going to hit a couple of cities, and it's going to be an absolute mayhem blast. Durham, North Carolina on April 23rd. Louisville on April 21st. Atlanta on April 25th. Phoenix on May 5th.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Fort Worth, Texas. Texans, y'all got to show up on this one. May 7th in Kansas City. Guys, what happened? Kansas City, May 9th. Dude, they're going to be an absolute party. Tickets start at $40. It's just going to be wheels off. Everybody's going to get to decide from the audience what we talk about. We'll both be on stage. It's going to be a blast. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash tour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
We're talking about relationships. We're talking about life. We're talking about money and everything in between. Unfiltered, unapologetic, and hopefully you'll leave with some things that you can use to make your life even. All right, let's go out to New York, New York and to New York and talk to Marie. I think I sounded just like Alicia Keys just then. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Thank you for calling. You've absolutely made my day. I'm really grateful. Thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Yeah. Um, I guess number one, if you were sitting here, I would ask you if it was okay if I gave you a hug. I'm sorry this happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Hold on, hold on. Marie, Marie, Marie. Yeah. Let's put him off to the side for a second. I want you just to like take your shoulders and clench them up around your neck real quick. Can you do that real hard for like three seconds? Clench them really tight. Three, two, and then just drop them as low as you can get them. All right, listen, you get to be sad for you. You've been living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So what if I told you, I don't think it's irrational. Why do you think it's irrational?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I know, I know. Tell me if I'm wrong, but there's a part of you. You're a tough as nails, badass New York grandma who does what it takes. But there's a part of you that thinks if I start crying, I will never stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Yeah. You've done a really amazing thing, and I'm honored to call you my new friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And can I just say a couple of hard things right in a row?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
There's probably some things from your daughter's childhood you wish you could take back, aren't there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Okay. And her adult choices that she makes are not your fault. they're not and this imaginary balance nonsense is just a big box of bullcrap and i wish it wasn't but it is there's no such thing and i hate that somebody told you long ago that you had to choose between living your life and living your kid's life like there's just one life, right? And kids come in, they take up a whole bunch of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And if they have challenges, obviously that takes up more of it, kind of like a balloon, but... Sorry, somebody told you that. And so let me ask you to be selfish for 30 seconds, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
What do you think you're missing out on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Pretend with me for a second or dream with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
That's the words, that's the song, that's the poetry of somebody who is deeply exhausted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And traveling's good and not worrying about other people are good, but on the other side of that, worrying is heavy, right? And so I don't want to minimize worrying about a grandson who's not going to college and you don't want him to make the same mistakes your daughter made and worrying if you're always going to get that call, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Every time the phone rings, you grab it because you never know what that call is going to be. Right. And also that worry or that angst about your body is still trying to solve for a picture of what should have been. What should have been is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
your daughter and her husband weren't wrestling with addiction and your grandson had this miraculous life and you just got to be granny and come in with your crazy New York yelling and banging on stuff and lecturing and judging and then going home. You know what I mean? That's the way it should have been. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I know, but okay. So we're here. We're going to grieve that. We're going to be sad because right now you're still trying to make it happen and it can't happen. And it's a weird thing our minds do, but it continues to solve for a picture. Can I give you like a lame example? This is a lame example from my own life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Whenever I took my, the woman who's my wife, she's been my wife for almost 23 years now. I took her to meet my gang, the guys I grew up with. Okay. These are guys I don't even take restaurant recommendations from, but for some reason I felt like they needed to like sign off. Right. And I was a young idiot, but to a person, they pulled me aside and they were like, Hey, she seems awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But are you for real? Are you serious? Because the people I had dated before were not like her. She wore a brown braided belt and tucked her shirt in and listened to country music and was on time everywhere and was quiet. And I always dated loud, like, you know what I mean? Just kind of center of attention kind of people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And it wasn't until 10 years into being married that I realized all this angst I had, not all of it, but a chunk of it, I married the wrong person. I can't believe she married me. Was my body, my brain was still trying to solve for this other person. And I never fully exhaled into, dude, I've got an amazing person right here in front of me. And I literally had to grieve the picture.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I did not marry somebody who's going to be on the front row stage diving at a punk rock show. I just didn't. I thought I would. I'm not married to somebody who has a tattoo sleeve and all these just stuff I made up, right? And who's independently wealthy. I married a teacher who's freaking amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But I had to put a period at the end of this picture my body was trying to solve for all the time because it created angst inside my house. And for you, if I can just be blunt as can be, I don't think you're ever going to get that call from your daughter that's like, man, you know what? I blew it. I'm totally sober. I'm coming to get my kid. You're off the hook. Go back to doing granny stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
That call's not going to come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And when you say you just recently found out, are you also wrestling with him not being honest with you, or has he been pretty straight up? It's just come in waves, if you will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Don't forget about it. Go right through it. You can't forget about it because it is. It's something to be sad about because it's not supposed to be this way. And here's what happens. When you grieve that, you get to exhale into what actually has been. So can I be real like, I'm fishing here, but I just want to throw some things out and you tell me if I'm wrong. Okay. 14, 15, 16, 17 year old kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You got to run it back. You got to love again. And in a weird way, maybe you got to redeem some things that you wish you could do again with your daughter. You got to not miss some stuff. The fact that this kid's in college tells me you have worked really hard to break the cycle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Does this little knuckle-headed 18-year-old know that his grandma loves him to the moon and back?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And so would you trade that for anything?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You did it beyond right. It's easy when I talk to 25-year-olds whose parents were tough on them or they had a lot of challenges or had abusive homes, and I'm talking to them about breaking their family, like changing their family tree, breaking the cycle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You un-potted yourself from the plant you were in and re-potted. That's even harder. What you have done is nothing short of miraculous. Thank you for saying that. You know what I'm saying? It's astounding. Yeah. And by the way, you parented in a world that you don't even know how it works. You don't know how texting and Snapchat and Fortnite and all this crazy nonsense. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
At least my parents parented me in a world that they semi-understood. Right. And so you've been out like blind, leading like with a blindfold on in the dark, leading this young man through like you're, it's here. So in a similar way, sometimes I talk to like a mom who's pregnant and she's 18. And then she has this baby and she realizes, oh my gosh, this is an amazing gift.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And she wouldn't have drawn it up like this. She understands that her life's going to be hard. But now she's holding this extraordinary moment, right? This extraordinary thing. Not just the kid, but the life. And so when you grieve what should have been and what wasn't, then you get to truly honor what is. And worry's heavy, but loneliness is heavier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It just never came up? Yeah. Kudos to him for not leading with that. That happens sometimes these days. So I don't think you're irrational. I think we're wired to look to our right and look to our left and ask ourselves, how do we measure up? And I think it's dealing with that and working through it. But I don't think you're crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And so I know you want to escape it. I know you're exhausted. And being the mother of someone who struggles with addiction is, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Because you never fully go to sleep at night. And you haven't for two decades.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And... You get to love this knuckleheaded 18-year-old in a way that you wouldn't trade for the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And so I guess what I want to challenge you with is this one simple truth. The greatest gift you can give him and your daughter is to make sure you're whole and well. And that means saying no to some stuff. That means getting a couple of loud grandmas there in New York and going to have coffee every morning and those incredible bagels.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And going for walks and going to the theater with your friends. And saying no to a few things. It's okay. So that when you say yes, you're fully in. Can I tell you the hard part if you don't?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
The hard part if you don't is you stop caring for your daughter and you stop feeling guilty about your daughter and you start resenting her. Okay. You stop feeling guilty about this grandson of yours and you start to resent him every time he calls. That's not fair to them, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So if I could snap my fingers and say you could go do three things in the next month, what would you do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Will you go to kind of a ridiculous dinner? Sure. Something ridiculous.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
What else? That's one thing. Give me two more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I want to give you full permission to turn your phone off. And when grandson, who you've been on call, like an EMS responder for the last however many years, 18 years, I want you to tell them, starting today, between the hours of 10 and 1130, my phone's off. Granny's getting ripped and granny's reading a book and I don't answer the phone during that time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And if I can be really crass, you've already imagined that worst phone call from your daughter a thousand times, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
If you ever get that call, and God forbid, I hope you never do, you rehearsing that is not going to make that call any easier. Does that girl know you love her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I don't know if that makes you feel any better, but I don't think you're crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
No, no, no, no, no, no. Does she know you love her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You can turn your phone off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And I'm saying that literally, but it can also be metaphorically. When you go for a walk, you can have your phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You go to the gym, you can have it by you. But when you go for a walk and when you go exercise and when you go out to Central and you just go look at the people throwing the ball to their designer dogs, there's some doodle of some sort that you're like, why did you spend $4,000 on that? When you go do that and you come back inside and it's been cold, but it's been sunny.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And then your grandson calls, you're a laser beam on that phone call. You're not exhausted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
When you go to work, you can be fully at work, and when you're not at work, you can be fully there. Does that make sense? I want you to have permission just to live. Are you married? Are you with somebody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
What's their name? Never mind. Don't tell me his name. That's fine. That's fine. Good person or goofball?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
No, you're like, no, no, no, I'm crazy. So when you kind of spin out a little bit, walk me through that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Good. All right, tell him he has one job, and that is one quasi-reckless thing a month. He's got a plan. Dancing, a play. You live in a crazy, fun, rad city. Yeah. Tell him you're planning one thing for me every month. I've been planning stuff for everybody for the last three decades. You're planning something for me once a month and it's got to be silly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Even if to bridge the gap, you send your grandson a text and say, going out on a hot date might get a little ew, so you're probably not going to want to text me for the next few hours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And can I tell you the greatest gift you can give this 18-year-old is to let him start practicing autonomy. He's going to have to learn to figure stuff out himself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And I know that's hard because of the hell he's lived and experienced. And every 18-year-old boy should be able to call mom and he can't sometimes. And every 18-year-old man needs their dad and he doesn't have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But he's going to have to learn to reach out to an instructor or to a coach or to a kickboxing instructor. He's going to have to start looking for and towards other men in his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And maybe that's the harder conversation. is you're 18 now. And these are things that your dad should have taught you and should walk you through. You're not going to have that. That doesn't, that doesn't minimize the need he has to go get those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
That's right. And I need you to hear me say, what you have done is Herculean. It's amazing. It's extraordinary. And on behalf of all of us with sons, Thank you for being there to step in the gap. It's my worst nightmare is if I go away and my kid's mom goes away, what happens? Who steps in? And you've done that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Okay. Now you go have some hilarity and some adventures in your life. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I promise I will. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Your last homework assignment is I want you to take a picture of it of y'all doing something goofy and email it into the show. And I won't post it, but it will just be for me. Thank you so much for being brave and for calling in. And thank you for being a grandma who stepped in the gap. It's pretty amazing. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. Here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean all the TikTok dances and the cat videos or the AI influencers. I'm talking about the screens in our homes and in our offices and the fluorescent lights and the EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. I used them this morning when I was working out, and here's why you'll love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It can also help your recovery from aches and pains and transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to Boncharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Boncharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
All right, let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Levi. Hey, Levi, what's up? Hey, John, how are you doing? Partying, man. What are you up to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Tell me why you were angry at yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you are doing incredible, wherever you find yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I guess my response to that is if you sat him down and said that and he looked at you and said, or what, what would you say? When you say, can you repeat that question? Yeah. So imagine yourself, play it out for me. You set him down and you say, hey, you've done this twice. You're chronically depressed. You got some challenges that you need to work through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
You don't need to be marrying this woman right now. We think this is a bad idea. So you can't marry her. If he looked at you and said, or what? Yeah. What would the response be?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So what's your relationship like with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Is it worth you flying out just to take him to coffee? Yeah. And say, hey, I love you. And... Sister says this new girl's pretty amazing. This feels really fast. And I guess... I guess there's two things here. One... I just simply – I haven't experienced and I don't know other people who have experienced things outside of abuse and physical violence, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Ah, dude, that's really insightful. Is there part of you that had a picture of people who...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
More heartbreaking than watching an adult family member make choices that we don't like, agree with, and that we know are going to hurt them. And they simply didn't ask for our opinion. Yeah. And so we have to make a choice. Are we going to love them? through it or are we going to turn our back on it? And there's moments when turning our back is the right thing. contrary to popular belief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And there's moments when you sit down with somebody and you say, hey, I wouldn't love you. I wouldn't be loving you if I didn't tell you what I think is the truth. I think this isn't a good idea. And I'll be there. I'll sit with you. I'll sit with you when you're happy. I'll sit with you when I think this thing falls apart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And you're welcome to come visit me, like whatever your ground rules would be, your boundaries would be. But I guess the second part is I want you to frame this as, or you can do what you want, but in my head, the framing is at versus with. Or as my friend Jefferson Fisher says, don't try to win the exchange. Instead, I want to understand. I want to sit with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I want to make sure I tell the truth so that I fully show up here. And like you said, I'm going to be with you. We're going to come to the wedding. I'm not going to abandon you. I'm not going to walk away or whatever. But I do love you enough to sit with you and say, this doesn't look good, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
have colorful sexual past are a certain way and now you found yourself in love with somebody um and you're reconciling that cognitive dissonance where you told yourself a story for a long time about these kind of people do that and then you've met somebody that's pretty wonderful and it's it's not jiving yeah that sounds about right and i think it's a mix of um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
He's found a solution that actually works, especially in the short term. And so he's always in pain. We know that being with a loved one relieves that a little bit, even if you have to conjure up a loved one. He seeks people who've got resources, and when he doesn't have those resources, he goes to his parents who provide those exact same resources.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So I guess the convincing that has to be done is – a season of more pain and more discomfort is actually better for you in the long run. Okay. And that can be hard. You get what I'm saying? That can be hard to see because he's got a solution that works. It's the same as sitting down with somebody who struggles with alcohol. Alcohol works, man. Alcohol is a solution until it kills you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And similarly, he'll run into something that, you know, I mean, what has he actually lost? He doesn't bring anything financially to these relationships. He's not losing anything other than a couple of months of his life when he hits rock bottom again. And then his parents are there to bail him out at 40. And so it just kind of stays in this loop. Yeah, now that makes sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And I guess my challenge to you would be, yes, if I'm you, I'm having this conversation. That's just my nature. Everyone around me who is in my family and my friends, they know I would have this conversation. I would just, I kind of speak my mind a lot. And some of my friends and family like that. Some get mad and hang up and don't talk to me for a few weeks and good for them. I totally honor that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But I think it's coming up with what's the goal of this interaction? Is it to delay a marriage? Is it to get him into therapy? Because if it's getting him into a long-term, like let's actually get to the root of some of this depression, then you and your mom and dad and your sister, y'all come up with a plan for a 30-day or 60-day inpatient intensive. And it's going to be expensive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And if your parents have resources or y'all have got resources, y'all can pool. Sit down and say, here's another path. We've already cleared the road for you if you want to go do this. And we all love you enough and think this would be good. Okay. But again, getting to that goal. If the goal is just to stop the wedding for a while, you can throw a grenade in it and do that. Sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It'll just pop back up in June, right? Right, right. And so I think it's asking yourself, what's the goal? And then I know this can be prohibitive, especially cost prohibitive, time prohibitive, but I always think these conversations are better had in person. They can take place on the phone, of course, but there's something about communicating. Here's how important this is to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I'm going to fly out and look you in the eye. Yeah. And that's tough. That's tough. I know, but, um, I would like to say this. Thanks for being a brother that still loves his brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Um, and I guess the one thing I would challenge, I can almost guarantee you, he kind of knows too. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sure he does. I don't know many people that struggle with alcohol that don't know that next drink's not great. They don't have another, they don't have another, they don't have another tool in the toolkit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
yeah and if he's a compassionate like smart guy who struggles with chronic pain he knows how bad it hurt the first two marriages that broke up and probably the serious girlfriends he tried to make super serious in between those marriages like he knows he just doesn't have another chord to play other than the chord he only knows and so every song sounds the same and so until he gets some professional care and at 40 it's gonna be he's gonna have to unplug himself from the world he knows and go sit with somebody
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Yeah. And there's some really extraordinary resources out there for inpatient treatments. But he's got to learn some new chords so he can play some different songs. That's just that's just hard, man. But we live in a culture, man, where family writes off family more than ever. Just write them off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And so it always is something I want to make sure I just double click on and tell you I honor you for still loving your brother. And for looking down the road a little bit, even when he can't or when he just chooses not to. And saying, oh, we've seen this story play out before. We're going to be there for you. So thanks for loving him, my brother. Appreciate you, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Hope the conversation goes well. We'll be right back. Can I just tell you, I love Organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they really worth it? I get it. So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try Organifi out, I've got the perfect solution.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
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My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And you get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants. It's an early morning and an afternoon pick-me-up without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that keeps you focused and feeling great. But that's not all.
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My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
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My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
All right, we are back again on the heels of a pretty amazing money marriage thing. Hey, I didn't say this. I haven't said this. I should have. Kelly, you're kind of famous now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
We had people come from New Zealand. We had people come from Canada, all over the planet to this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Well, I didn't. Ha. Just kidding. Well, you have a signed picture of me at your house, which I still think is weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Here's the money in marriage question, one of the questions that came up at the event written on a note card, anonymous question. How do I stop keeping score and holding that score against my spouse? I think about all the tasks I do in a week or a day and compare it to all the tasks he doesn't do, and it makes me feel resentful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
For context, we have a toddler and a new baby and my husband works weird and inconsistent hours. Keeping score, I like to think of keeping score as a way to relieve pressure. So if you think of like a jar and the lid is shut and there's boiling water inside, that gas, it will eventually explode. Keeping score is a way to go, to slowly relieve a little bit of that pressure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
The best thing to do is take the lid off the jar. And initially when you take the lid off the jar, there will be hot scalding water spilled places. And what I mean by taking the lid off the jar, actually sitting down and saying, okay, we have a new baby and a toddler. I've been doing X, Y, and Z for this many months. Here's how I'm experiencing this. Will you tell me how you're experiencing it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Or I guess to say it in a cheesy way, but in an honest way, Connection is the way to do away with keeping score. When both people feel like they're on the same team and when both people feel like they're working towards the same goals, then the only score that matters is our score, not my score.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
also know that not everybody's doing incredible right now and so wherever you happen to be i'm glad that you've joined us whether you're sitting in a park somewhere and it's freezing cold and you're just listening to the show or you're going for a walk or a run or you're cleaning the house or driving somewhere thank you so much for being with us it means the absolute world on this show we talk about your emotional health your mental health um your relationships your kids your your spouse whatever you got going on in your world
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But when I start to feel like it's me versus you, you're doing this or I have to do this because you get to do that. That's when you get a problem. So we have to have regular contact points.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
That's why I always recommend people get together once a week for breakfast, for long walks, for 30 minutes on a Sunday night to go over the calendar, to go over what's a meal is going to be this week, to go over your budget, to go over, put sex on the calendar, especially when you've got a toddler and a new, like just everything's chaotic. But to say, hey, how we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I feel like I'm carrying the lion's share here, and I feel like your work isn't what it once was. I need some help. Or instead of saying the you, I just did that wrong. Instead of saying you and you and you, I need some additional help around here. And I know you're working really hard at work. I know your hour's all over the place, and I need some help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So that might be hiring a fifth grader to come in and just keep the toddler busy while I'm in the house and I can do some things. That might mean hiring a nanny part-time or if you're like 99% of the world, can't afford a nanny. So it might be that, hey, husband, when you're working inconsistent hours, we're all going to be tired.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So when you're not working, I need you here to help with X, Y, and Z. Can you take the diapers? Can you do this? Can you get the bottles clean? Whatever the things are that you need help with. Just think of keeping score as a indicator that I need to relieve some of this pressure. And the way to relieve pressure as a married couple is to be honest and put on the table. Take the lid off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Is there, is there a little part of you that's frustrated that your boyfriend didn't have that same ability?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Hope that helps. I know I made that sound really easy. And it may be that you can't say what you need in your house. So you need to get a counselor. You need to call somebody. It may be that... telling your spouse what you need, they shut down or they get angry and it's just not safe. We've got to wade through those choppy, choppy, scary waters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But ultimately, deep connection is the resolution for people who feel like they need to keep scoring. Thank you so much. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And here's what I'm getting at. I don't want you to ever feel bad that you have a feeling. Oh, that's hard. I know, but when you try to avoid the actual honest, true feeling that's sitting inside your chest, when you avoid it, when you shove it down, when you make yourself, when you gaslight yourself and make yourself feel crazy for having a feeling, then it will come out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And sometimes it comes out in these fits of rage. Sometimes it comes out in, I can't stop crying and I don't know why. You know what I mean? It will come out some way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And then depending on how you grew up, then if we got in trouble for feeling feelings, then now we think something's wrong with us. You get what I'm saying? It just kind of dominoes itself. And if I go all the way up the dominoes, it's giving myself permission to feel things as they are. And then, you hear me say this on the show all the time, then go do the next right thing. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And we have a culture that says you have to say every feeling out loud. You for sure don't, right? I have feelings sometimes that are bananas. And I know cognitively that's not true. And also my body feels it. And both of those things are okay. But I know I can throw a grenade at my wife or I can throw a grenade at one of my coworkers. Like, I feel this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And suddenly, you know, making them feel guilty or whatever. Let me ask you a deeper question. What is it about the external world that you feel like they get to determine how you operate? I said that kind of confusing. It sounds like you've outsourced your self-worth into his old girlfriends or into his old partners or into some picture that you're supposed to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Why have you outsourced yourself in that way?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
But when you say deviancy, are you talking about like particular sexual acts? Are you talking about like handholding the special way? Like give me a ballpark here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
No, that's fine. That's fine. Tell a soul. Yeah. It's just me and you and a couple of million people. That's all right. Um, so if this is too personal of a question, feel free just to say, I pass. Um, you said you fought this guy off. Um, and I'm assuming that was, um, figuratively and not, not so much literally, but maybe literally. Um, Did you eventually relent?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I'd love to have you on the show. Give me a call, 1-844-693-3291 or johndeloney.com slash ask. It does mean the world to us that you're here. And it makes a big difference if you will take one second and like the show, subscribe to it if you're watching this on YouTube, or leave a quick review of a jillion stars. It means the world to me. Thank you so, so much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It was your body telling you, yeah, we don't, we, something about this isn't right. Yeah. So, um, have you forgiven yourself for, for violating your, your own values?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I don't know if this helps. I don't think you're a bad person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I mean, you don't need my approval or anything like that. I don't want to sound like that, but... Hmm. I guess my encouragement to you is you're not crazy. And if you were put in a position where it was constant beratement, beratement, beratement, beratement, and you ended up going against your own set of values, and now you're looking in the aftermath like, I wish I hadn't have done that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I did, and now I'm showing up to a new relationship with somebody who also found themselves in that same situation. What I want you to always come back to is you have permission to feel what you feel. And you have permission to learn from what happened. And you also, you're right to be cautious taking your next steps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And I guess my challenge to you is to not outsource your self-worth to his old girlfriends, to him, to this old, terrible boyfriend from your past that just dishonored you over and over and over and over again. And that you're able to find peace inside your own chest from the inside out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Have you had moments where you have that lightning bolt of him with somebody else zap into your mind?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
So often that's the root of, we feel paralyzed by these moments because we keep imagining and then we meditate on them. And meditate sounds all spiritual and woo-woo, but basically we have that lightning bolt of a picture in our head. And I'll get overly graphic here, not to be sensational, but just to like put it all out on the table. You have a picture of him that pops into your head.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Maybe you and him are kissing and you pops in your head of him with somebody else. And then you stay on it. Or maybe you're in the shower, maybe you're laying in bed about to go to sleep and it just zaps into your mind. And then you stay with it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And you go all the way down the rabbit hole of what you imagine might have happened and what it looked like and his face and their face. You get what I'm saying? You just go and you retell that story in your mind as you imagine it. And then your body doesn't really know the difference. It just starts responding as though it's happening in real time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And so the challenge for you, I think, a challenge for all of us, I mean, this happens with people who have experienced tragedy, experienced near-death experiences, loss of a loved one, unwanted sexual experiences. What you're going through experiencing your own unwanted sexual experience and your new boyfriend's unwanted past, right, is the thing that happened happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And it does help get the show out there to more people. people all right let's go to laredo texas and talk to brianna what's up brianna hi uh how's it going i'm doing great how about you oh i'm doing all right myself excellent so what's up in your world uh well nothing too much uh but my question yeah what's your question
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
There's a period at the end of it And so it's not a matter of forgetting it or pretending it doesn't exist, but it's also, I'm not gonna pour gasoline on that. And so a fire with no oxygen and a fire with no fuel burns itself out really fast. And so when that lightning bolt snaps into your mind, we can't stop that, that just happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I promise you though, if you will work on it, if you'll work hard on it, it will over time, it will diminish significantly. Okay. And our bodies, it's our body's way of keeping us safe by flashing those things. Remember, don't forget, don't forget, don't forget. And it's just trying to, our bodies are trying to keep us alive. So again, I'm not going to go to war with my body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It's just trying to keep me safe. But I am going to say, I don't need that level of safety anymore. I'm okay now. How long have you been with this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Okay. So you trust him, he's safe?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
Okay. Amazing. That's amazing. So here's what we're going to do. When your body spins up and tries to protect you, when that lightning bolt snaps in your head of him with one of his exes, we're going to exhale and we're going to immediately have a new picture that's going to replace it. And sometimes I'll say things like, nope, I'll just be walking across my house and say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
I've been doing it for so long that now I'll just whisper it or now I can just move on without it. Or occasionally, I don't know why, I think sometimes a physical act. So I'll fidget with the middle of my shirt or with the hem of my shirt, or I'll scratch around my thumbnail. But I have a thing that is just like a quick physical tell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
And then I'll immediately have a picture of us two, you and him walking, holding hands. Or the first date or the time he dropped his ice cream and you slipped in it and you both fell down. It was hilarious. But I'm going to replace that picture that just popped into my mind to get really kind of ugh. When a parent loses a child, there's something insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend Just Revealed His Troubled Sex Life . . .
It's just disorienting about seeing a casket that small, right? And it will zap into a parent's mind over and over again. And so the challenge for a parent is to go, nope, and to immediately have a memory in queue, ready to rock and roll. And it can be the same one over and over again of the little kid driving around on a big wheel or for an infant grabbing your finger and holding on real tight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Because those are the realities I think y'all are working around. Y'all are just looping and looping around those and you're not being direct about them. But here's the bigger thing. His wife is drowning inside of y'all's house and you have to be honest because I think you're drowning and he's looking at you waving your arms in the ocean and thinks you're waving at him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Very cool, man. I don't think I've ever heard that sentence, so that's awesome. Yeah. Very cool. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I don't think he realizes how bad it is. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
The greatest gift you can give him right now is honesty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Sometimes when we sit down with our spouses and we make these plans, they come with these, but we have to live here. And you have this degree, so we have to do this. And I think we're in a season in the world that's changing so, so, so fast. The world we live in right now will be so different five years from now. And in many ways, that terrifies me because I don't have a roadmap for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I don't like living without a roadmap. but y'all have to sit down and take your arm and wipe off everything. You have family land, so what? You have a degree in whatever, so what? You don't know how to do a certain thing or certain things right now, but you can learn them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Shoot, I don't mind telling you, I just asked Andrew, who's currently running the video equipment right now, if this summer he can give me and my son welding lessons. because they left the welding class. I just asked him the other day to create a class for me and my son and to give me a list of things I need to buy so I can be a welder. And I'm old. I'm an old man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I'm not an old man, but I'm getting there. So this idea that you can't learn, if you get a master's degree in theology and wrestle with those abstract ideas, then for sure you can learn how to do some of these other things, but you got to want to do it. And I want you to have a picture. I want my boys, when they walk across the graduation stage at the age of 18, to know how to do these things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
It's actually a thing I went and did. You and your husband need to go through John Tyson's book, The Intentional Father. It is a faith-based book. So if you're not a faith-based person, I think the book is still extraordinary. But if you are people of faith, it's the best fathering book I've read.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But it gives a map for your kids got to learn how to do a whole bunch of stuff, especially in the upcoming world they got. They got to learn how to raise chickens and they got to learn how to dodge a punch and they got to learn how to code or whatever. Deal with AI. They got to do all of that stuff. It's a new world, new planet. But instead of just every day being like, well, they can't do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
They're never going to be able to do that. Let's go all the way out to the end, to the finish line and reverse engineer it. When they're 18, they walk across the stage. I want them to know how to do these things. Husband, I want you to know how to do some of these things. It would make me as your wife feel safer if you knew how to do some of these things. And
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Oh, man. Tell me more about that. I think men are pretty great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Some of these things you're not going to know how to do. You have to learn how to do it. You have to learn how to do it. One of the most humbling and it's turned into my favorite part of my life is I know how to do a couple of things pretty good. There's a whole bunch of stuff I don't know how to do. And so I love surrounding myself with other men and women who can teach me how to do new things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
It's awesome. It's just being a lifelong learner. That's one thing he should have learned in grad school. But all of this starts with you at home being very specific about, I don't like the world we're creating, even though we're surrounded by cool stuff. I don't want to mistake my happiness for blessings, as the old Cademan's Call says. I don't want to just continue to putt along like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So let's be honest and let's be specific. And right now your husband's not doing what he says he's doing, and you've got to call him out on the carpet on that because you love him. And hopefully he's a person of character and he hears it. And then he begins taking action steps. Thanks for the call, Kate. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by better help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for patterns or relationship behaviors that are unsafe. But to me, all those labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting deep relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What is important to me in a relationship and how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags. Listen, ask yourself, how can I learn to know what I value? therapy can help you figure out your values, learn what you're looking for in your relationships, and then decide your boundaries and non-negotiables.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about the screens in our homes and offices and fluorescent lights and EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can also help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You've told yourself a story that your husband can't, and that's easier than dealing with the truth is that he won't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. Check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. All right, we're back. All right, Andrew. Our fearless YouTube leader. You were just telling us during the break. Walk me through what y'all are talking about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Something I've been wrestling with, so thanks for sharing that. Something I've been wrestling with is this idea of masculine protect and provide. I see it on two sides of the teeter-totter, and I think everybody misses it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I think there's the protect and the provide, the bros who are all about, you've got to lift weights and snap into a slim gym and know how to use all your bow and arrows and guns and all that, which is awesome, and provide is paychecks and direct deposits. And then I think they've got families and spouses that are desperate for, hey, I want you to provide laughter and joy in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I want you to provide a stable personal presence here. I want you to provide stability and a hug and laughter and joy. help cook dinner, provide a, the trash taken out. Right. And so I think it's easy for men sometimes to spend a lot of time on Instagram and whatever. And then they hide from their families in the gyms. They hide from their families at the shooting ranges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
They hide from their families at the bone arrow places. And there's the other side of that, which is it's the modern world. I don't have to do any of this stuff. Um, I can, I'm providing a paycheck and I know how to play video games and stuff like that. And those guys need to get their butts out into the gym. They need to go outside.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So it's a both and, but I think what you mentioned, Andrew, which I love is it's about sitting down inside your home and saying, what does our family need right now? And so knowing you're, you grew up in a more traditional blue collar world and I'm watching you like like literally take classes and learn different aspects of the internet kind of stuff, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I grew up in a house that was... We did stuff because we had to. I grew up with a... You work five jobs. I've been working since I was a little kid. That's just what you do. And... I learned how to have hard conversations with people, but I'm not a policeman. So I've got to learn how to do them differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So I think the whole thing is, what does protect and provide mean in my house and in my neighborhood? And it's going to be different for everybody. But in this current world, you can't hit the teeter-totter on either side. You got to do both. If you're really good at your MMA gym, awesome. You got to learn how to hug your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And if you're really good at your like, I know how to handle myself and I conceal, great. You also need to learn how to get on the floor and play candy land with your daughter. You got to do both. And the other side of that is true too. Me and one of my colleagues, he's like, I've never mowed a lawn in my life. And I'm like, that's not a good thing. You got to learn how to mow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You got to learn how to do some of these things, right? I'm thinking of the time I was pushing George Campbell's Tesla when it ran out of batteries. Like, that wasn't great, right? So I just think, I think we're in a world you got to do both. So anyway, thanks for the little diversion there. Let's go out to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Well, thank you so much for joining us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Yeah. So can I tell you that, um, I don't know if this will make you feel worse or make you feel better. Um, That you found yourself in the 13-year dance and you're not broke and there's not something wrong with y'all, okay? Okay. But there is some paths out. It just means that both of y'all are going to have to decide we're going to do things that are different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And that's frustrating and it's different and it's uncomfortable, but it's super manageable if y'all choose. Or another way to say it a little less nerdy is tiny decision by tiny decision, y'all have chosen the life you have. Which means y'all can choose something completely different if you want to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
He is going to have a harder time. Here's why. He has a maid. He has a live-in housekeeper that does everything for him. And occasionally she has sex with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
He's kind of got what he wants.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You do not. So the impetus for change, and by the way, he doesn't have the life he thinks he has, or he thinks he's got it about as good as he's going to get it. And he doesn't understand how amazing his life could be too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
With a wife who is not an employee, but was a full-time co-adventurer in this one wildlife we all have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So he's not on the phone, so the only person I can challenge here is you. Is that okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Has, over the last 13 years, his experience at home been somewhat of a failure factory? And here's what I mean. If he decided one day to start doing the laundry, would he do it, quote unquote, right? Or would he fold the stuff, quote unquote, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Right. So here's the dance. Maybe one time seven years ago he tried. And I'm making something up here, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
They tried. And he saw you undoing the dishes where he'd put them away because he'd put them in the wrong stack or on the wrong side. And of course, he could have asked, but he didn't. He was trying to be helpful. And what he learned was, I don't do this the quote-unquote right way. I'm going to let her just do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I'm going to opt out of that. And when he begins to drive home, he knows, here we go. I'm not going to do home right. Now, I would challenge him if he was on the phone that his job is to sit down with you and y'all swipe the deck completely clear and say, okay, what kind of world do we want to live? What kind of world do we want to have in our house? Because we get to create it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Yeah, totally. Um, are you married to a good man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
How do we want this house to feel every time one of us walks in the front door?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And I want you to put your phone away the moment you get out of the office and don't pick it back up. Can we create that world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And he's going to look at you and say, I just want you to like me. Will you show some interest in me romantically? And you might say, yes, but if you're always telling me how much you need sex, how much you need this versus you want me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Because most wives who feel like they've been relegated to the maid role feels like they're really kind of a vehicle of interchangeable body parts that their husband uses just to get off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So do you not look at him favorably?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Need versus no, he wants me. He wants to be with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Where does he do things that are good?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Don't blow by it. Just sit on that for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Because I know it's both and. But it's hard when everyone tells you how great your husband is and it's like, that's not the guy I experience at home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And it's usually a mix of both. He knows you don't want him to come home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Or he knows you want him to come home, but he knows you don't like it when he's there because he's in your house. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And he's not doing your house the way you want house done. And if he was on the phone, I would tell him it's not an excuse. You got to plug in, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But here's this weird place y'all find yourselves. Y'all are going to have to decide. We want to like each other again. The Gottman's research, they're kind of the gurus on marriage research.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
beyond all things fighting styles the bullcrap men are from mars and women are like all that stupid stuff it's not real the one unifying factor in marriages that make it they're just friends they're great great great friends yeah you know what i'm saying and so y'all have to decide we want to be friends again
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay, I want to dig in right there. Why? I mean... Do you have this Hollywood version of your house that if we have to say it, it makes it less...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And what does really mean me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. That's super fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Super fair. So don't walk around saying, well, I'm just not good at talking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You have a husband that went through a gnarly depression. He's probably still there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I'd say most couples, I haven't looked at the data recently, but most couples don't survive the loss of a child. And here's why. Because the pace of their grief is different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
One person's like, all right, can we get on with our life? And the other person's like, whoa, whoa, whoa, realize what just happened. And one person goes to counseling and gets on it and let's go. And the other person just is buried for a while.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And then eventually you look up two years, three years, five years later, it's like, I don't know that dude anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. What was your child's name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So maybe we're at a place now where it's time for honesty and skill building.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Here's what I mean. And you're thinking, God, I have to plan one more thing. And what I would say is yes. Because you painted me a picture of a husband that's drowning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And you're thinking, God, there's so many life rafts out in this lake. And I was able to get on the life raft. I got all our kids on the life raft. You're right about all that stuff. But right this second is not the time for keeping score.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Sometimes overgeneralizations are true. They just are. Sometimes overgeneralizations, stereotypes, whatever you want to call it, they protect us from having to deal with the reality in our own house or in our own neighborhood or in our own families. And so I guess what I would tell you is there are men who are idiots. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
If you go back and look at the data that says that anxiety and often depression are quote-unquote women's illnesses because they're diagnosed so much more frequently. And more sophisticated research has come out in the last few years that suggests, actually Terry Reels on this 20 years ago, that men often display anxiety and depression through anger, through physical altercations, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So think of it this way. Your husband's, and I know this happened to you, I'm not excluding your experience, I just want to shine a light on his.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Your husband's son passed away. And the story he's probably told himself was there was some level of prevention that could have stopped that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Putting a blanket in a different position, putting a pillow in a different position, putting a stuffed animal, whatever happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And your husband leans over and looks in his toolkit for what to do next, and there is nothing. His toolkit is empty. Because his parents, the ones who were supposed to put tools in that toolkit, said, you shut your mouth and move on with your day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And so that tends to lead a more compassionate, now that doesn't negate the fact that he started to treat you, his way of getting through the day is just to numb out. He scrolls his life away. And you, because you're a person who's picking up the slack in the house, I often have asked parents, how did you, especially when one parent picks up all the slack, how did you make it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And they're like, I had to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Right? And so you've had to the last 24 months. And I'm super grateful for you. And when the lights come back on for him, he will be too. But right now the world is his only connection to humanity is through a sexual encounter with you. That's it. That's his only connection to intimacy. And for you, I need you present socially so that I can even get there in my head and my body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You know, let's miss each other in the night. And he just has gotten used to his socks magically appearing in the drawer because he's tuned out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And so both of you have to sit down. And again, when y'all sit down, I'm giving you a chore and you're going to be like, God, I hate to have a chore, but we're here. I want you to plan a half day together and I want you to find somebody to watch your boys. And I want you all to have a two-year since Thomas passed away. Here we are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And I think it's right and honest for you to say, I love you and I want to learn to like you again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And here's what I need. And it is not sexy to say, I need to not see your phone. I need you to not bring your last meeting home. I need you to practice being likable on the side of this house. And then you turn around and say, what are some things I can do? And you'll have to start there and ask him, are you willing? Are you willing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
If you, if you can imagine that conversation in your head, what do you see him doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Yeah, but it's kind of like telling a smoker to quit smoking, but there's no other behavior to fill that gap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And so it's like, I need this phone away, and I need you to just chit-chat. I need you just to pull up a seat from the hours of 5.30 to 6 while I'm making dinner and just talk to me. And it will be boring, and it will be frustrating. And I'll give you all the questions for humans cards. Y'all can just get to know each other again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And I know that sounds silly, but I've heard from couples all over the planet about how these knuckleheaded little cards are reigniting their marriages because they're learning about each other again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And there are millions and millions of men who grind every single day to do the best they can with the tools they got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You get what I'm saying? Like it's real easy to get over existential. And what we have to do is rebuild from the floor up. And the floor up. It's cool to go into a house and to check out paint colors. But before that, there's a bunch of dudes outside laying concrete forms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So they can just pour a foundation back. And that's where y'all are. And I do think it's fair to start the meeting with, I'm not going to poke at you. I'm going to ask you not to disengage. I'm on your team. I love you more than life itself. You're the father of my kids. You're my husband for 15 years. We've been through hell together the last two years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And the things I put on the table are not attacks. They're invitations. Please stay present with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. And what you're doing is you're just setting the ground rules for a conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Here's the alternative. Everything just stays the same.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Right? And so what I hear is two different things. Number one is, So let's pretend your dad does have, he's high-functioning autistic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I know. I know. And I've said it often on the show. This is one of those moments where you are turning the music off. You're turning the lights on. The party's over for a while. We're going to have to learn new dances. We're going to have to get new records because this party is going to change now. And it almost always takes one partner just saying, I'm done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But I want to rebuild something new with you. And the flexing and the macho and the just trying to numb it all away isn't working inside your own house. So circling back, y'all aren't broken. Y'all had an extraordinary event that you need to deal with. And you're probably going to need some professional help to go through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And it might be him saying, or if he won't go see a therapist because of how he was raised and all that, fine. But you can tell him, if you really love me, I want you to come with me so we can learn some new skills. Because I do believe right now this is a skills issue. There's a guy still trying to touch the ground after his boat sank. I'm so sorry for little Thomas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Thank you for sharing that with us. Here's the words I want to guide you. Clear boundaries. Direct, honest, open connection. Very specific. Here are some things. And always begin with I. I feel like I'm competing with the phone. I would like us to have a phone-free house from the hours of 5 till 10 p.m. Will you honor me enough by that and go from there? Thank you for the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What's up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. So, so grateful that you are with us. talking your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, dating, whatever you got going on. This is the state of the world. Whatever you're working through, I've probably got an opinion on it. But more importantly, here's my promise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
We'll be right back. I want to introduce you to my friends at Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. If you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread, and your body is redlining from all of the new exercise, new eating habits, and all of the back-to-school activities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
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I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You said he's brilliant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
All right, let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota and talk to Paige. Hey, Paige, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You said he was a provider.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Oh, man. Tell me what you have tried that hasn't worked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So I'm going to give you a crazy thing here, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So, but he wasn't as emotionally available as you would have liked him to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I think we've entered into a world where, and if you go back and listen to my show over the last few years, I've been hyper-intentional about it. And it's one of those things that I'm hoping people will go, oh, like in 10 years, okay? So I'm giving you the secret right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I think we have all reached information overload.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
We don't need to read a lot more new books. I'm going to write a book on marriage, I think, so everyone needs to buy that book later on when it comes out. But other than that, I think we're pretty much... I think we got the info.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay, so... Number one, you have to stop looking at certain behaviors as productive behaviors, and you have to look at them for what they are. They are numbing and avoidant behaviors. Some people smoke weed. You read books. For sure. Some people look at pornography. You listen to podcasts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
All of it is a way to keep space from actually dealing with the hardest part of habit building, which is identity. What is the story I'm telling about myself? And I think the stories you tell yourself are that you're not very good at a lot of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So what I'm not going to do as an adult with my own kids is choose to hold one of my parents responsible for a potential special need.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What are, what are they? What are the books you keep reading trying to quote unquote fix? Um, except for my books, obviously, cause they're amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I want... If you could snap your fingers, what behavior would you change in your life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. What does not keeping your body healthy get you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
How do you move it from your chore list to your want list?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But beneath identity is the self-worth. Why don't you think you're worth an hour every day just to feel good? And why have you outsourced how you feel to a number on a scale or a pant size or a number of hours in a gym?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Right. Or when it comes to, I don't know, a dad passing away. I'm not going to assume negative about that guy. He died, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Hey, high five to you. Nobody calls my show and says that. That's awesome. Okay, great. So how can I help? Where are you stuck? What precipitated this call right now? What habits did you abandon that you're like, gosh, again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
My wife's favorite person on the planet is January John. She loves that guy. She loves it. She says he's the best guy who's ever lived. One time, January, John made it all one time all the way to April. It was amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay, but what are you adding in? What are you going towards?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You and I sound very similar. So last year I did something I've never done before. Because every January has always been about restriction, what I'm cutting out. Yeah. Last year I made a change. I will go to 10 punk rock or metal shows and get in 10 mosh pits. That was the thing I put on my January last year. I will go to the comedy club 25 times in the year. That means once every other week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And then I've got to... It's easy to go, oh, man, I don't respect them. I don't like them, whatever. It's harder to say, my husband is not a person of character.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. I began putting in because to do that meant I had to go to sleep earlier. That to do that meant I had to spend my money differently. To do that meant I had to exercise and be super intentional about it. And I had to be okay with 15 or 30 minute exercise sessions because I had this other thing that was a bigger priority last year. And two weird things happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I put on more weight than I have in a long time. And I had maybe the best year I've had in ages. And so what I've had to address this year is the story that I told myself that life would be good at scale number X was maybe false. Because I got my blood work done and my blood work's pretty good too. Do you get what I'm saying? So what I had to do is go address some of those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What are the cornerstone stories you've been telling yourself every January for the last 30 years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Yeah, except it's cognitively dissonant because you feel good. You like yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You've done a lot of work. And so that's where I think the master stroke of atomic habits is the identity call out. Who do you want to be? And if it's, I'm a guy who doesn't fill in the blank, that's fine. And a couple of like virtue issues, value issues, fine, right? But if your list is just, I'm a person who doesn't, it's just a scarcity way of living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
That's a much harder thing to say. It's harder to say, to part, to dig into the nuance of my dad, which is he was really good at some things and awful at some other things. Both are true. Right. So... it sounds like you got two things going on. One, you don't like the situation that, you don't like the life that you're living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So what's a thing you'd love to add into your life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Are they around you or do you have to travel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So what must be true for that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Scott Galloway talks about this, that maybe the most important advice for 20 to 35-year-olds right now is get out of your home. Be at home as little as possible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I know. It's negative everything. But life is happening outside of that screen, and life is happening outside of that house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I want instead of... I want you to build a life worth living, a life that you love, a life that you want to have. And that's family. And that's your faith practice, tethering into something bigger than you. That's your work. And that's purpose. Like, why are you here? What do you want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And from that, like, I think you've probably heard me talk about my conversation with my dear friend, Sal DeStefano from Mind Pump, guys. Like, Dude, if you go to the gym and work out because you think you're gross, if you go to the gym and think that you'll be happier at some number on a scale, you're going to quit every time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
If you go exercise because you're worth exercising, because you feel good so you can go to the comedy club, so you can go see your family, so you can go to these other things, you'll do that forever. And you'll have weeks where you go an hour every day and you crush it. And you'll have weeks where you go 15 minutes and you just get it through because I got to go to the next thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But that's a part of who you are because it's serving a purpose, right? Do you get that switch?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So much harder. Here's the magic formula. And this is the worst thing I can tell you. Because you know this and you've done it every time. We only change what we measure. Our feelings are almost always wrong. And I'll say that they're not always almost always wrong. They almost always don't give us the clearest and most correct information. And you have to have some sort of accountability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And you know those things and they're really annoying. They're really annoying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And if you want to change the nitty gritty habit. Huberman has talked about some really important neuroscience that's come out in the last few years, which actually has been around for a while, but he's calling it to the forefront. If you do things that you especially don't want to do, you actually grow part of your brain that allows that same behavior to be easier to do next time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And so here's what that means. You just have to do stuff sometimes that you really, really don't want to do. And January John loves hearing that. February John does not like hearing that. And I also made peace. I quit hating February John. I just quit hating that guy. I quit being annoyed by him. I quit looking him in the mirror every morning and being like, you're gross. You're disgusting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Or you might like parts of it, but you thought it was going to feel different. And so it's easy to point your finger out at the world and I'm just going to find this group. The other side of that is, you got to be really radically honest with your husband or about your feelings and the reality that you find yourself with the man you married. Tell me about him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And from that foundation, I have found it infinitely easier to hang on to habits that I want to hang on to and be really hold loosely on the nights that I just go to bed or the mornings when I sleep in and wrestle with my son in the morning or get into a poking contest or like a bickering contest with my daughter before school. We both go to work annoyed and I could have just gone and worked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
like it is I'm on to the next day will you put on the calendar I will see one live music event every month this year I'll see a minimum of 12 live music events and that means either I have to go by myself or I have to do something even weirder and ask somebody at work or a friend to go with me yeah yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
That's incredible. But here's what I want you to do. It's easy to put that calendar, that date on the calendar and then get surprised by it every day before that date. What I want you to do is you put that date on the calendar, which is important. It's like you're training for a marathon. Not because I got to train for a marathon, but I'm a person who runs. I run all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So here's, I'm going to choose to be a little bit less healthy because running marathons come at a cost. I'm going to be a little less healthy so that I can accomplish this goal. You have an awesome new goal. I want to see my sister in person every other week because my identity is I'm a person who hangs out with my family. And instead of every Friday going, oh gosh, tomorrow I drive to whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I want you to begin to reverse engineer that Saturday all the way back to the previous Sunday. What must be true for this week? I'm going to need to do my laundry earlier this week. I'm a person who takes care of their body, so I'm going to need to get all four exercises and exercise sessions in before that day. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And my guess is when you begin to reverse engineer and plan some of those things, amazing. And then if you only get three one week, okay, fine. You'll live. Because I'm a person who's pretty compassionate to myself because I'm doing about as good as I can do right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I have an incredible new partner that I'm going to hook you up with, okay? It's this amazing company called TrainWell. and it's a personal trainer on your phone in an app. You can connect with them, and they give you workouts. And here's what's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
For the Thanksgiving holiday when I was trying out to see if this was somebody I wanted to partner up with, I just said, hey, I'm going to be staying at a place in the woods, and so I'm only going to have a couple of dumbbells and a kettlebell and some exercise bands. Trainer, sweet. Here's your workout for the week. Boom. Boom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Next week, I'm back in my regular gym, but I only can do three days of heavy lifting this week because I got to do something else. Like, great, boom, done. So they work directly with you, and they give you feedback every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But it's on your phone, so there's nowhere to go. And you know they're going to text you. How was it? They're going to give you a video chat. How was it? If I give that to you for three months for free, will you use it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
If you're not, that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
All right. How about this? Do you want to wait until you're about to give up and then start?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Excellent. All right. Hang on the phone. I'm going to hook you up with my friends at Trainwell. T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L. It's awesome. It's probably the coolest innovation I've seen. And I'm a lifelong... Thank you so much. but I've loved what they've brought to my life. Even if sometimes I know my trainer, Nate, is going to text me like, where are you, man? I'm right here. I don't want to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I don't feel like it, but my feelings don't get a vote all the time because my feelings are wrong a lot. Sometimes I just feel like Cheetos, and that's usually a never good idea.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
That's okay. Well, take a breath. I said a lot to you. Am I out to lunch?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Well, it's annoying, but it's just necessary. All right, and here's the thing. Here's your magic wand roadmap, okay? When you get off this call, take out a piece of notebook paper or a piece of printer paper or whatever, but I want you to write this down. If you've got a journal, you sound like you're a journaler, write this stuff in the journal. Number one, write five things you're grateful for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Start with the words I am grateful for. That's number one. Number two, I want you to write down four or five identity statements for 2025. I'm a person who. In 2025, I'm a person who. Under each one of those things, I want you to write three or four behaviors that you got to lock into. And just commit to yourself on those behaviors because I'm a person who.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And the very bottom, actually not the very bottom. I want you then to go into your bathroom and look yourself in the mirror. And I want you to say 10 times, I love this girl. I want you to look yourself dead in the eyes. I love this girl. You know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. Yep. If you miss a workout, who cares? It doesn't matter. If you go see your sister and you haven't got your laundry done and I'm a person who takes care of all my household stuff before I go out, all right, fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Next week, I'm going to tweak my schedule so I can get that laundry done because I like coming home on Sundays after being with my sister and everything's ready to rock and roll for Monday. And I'm going to go to concerts. I'm going to go to 12 concerts this year. I got to find the money for that. So I'm a person who's going to work some overtime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Because I'm a person who loves to go see live music more than I like sitting at home watching TV. I'm just going to begin to build it in. And for anyone who's trying to change identity habits, there is seasons of doing stuff that you don't want to do. That's a cornerstone of any sort of behavior change. I don't want to do it. It's uncomfortable. I'm going to choose my heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I'm going to go do it anyway. There is a season of that. Actually, there's a long time of that. I don't want to, but I'm going to. You're on the right path, dude. It's awesome. It's an honor to talk to you. This is January John to January Paige. Actually, let's do this. Call back in February because I want to see where you are. And we'll keep working through this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Hopefully, February John doesn't show up this year. And January John goes into February. Hey, everybody hang with us. I've got a wild new segment coming up right after this break. We'll be right back. Okay, good folks, Lent is just around the corner. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
It's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in your way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds bonkers and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at hallow.com. This means your trial will last all the way through Lent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And when you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations, music, and so forth. So download the app and sign up at hallow.com slash Deloney to get notified when the Lent pray 40 challenge begins. That's hallow.com slash Deloney for three months of hallow. Absolutely free. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So, um, as y'all know, one of my favorite events that I'm a part of is the money and marriage event that me and my friend Rachel Cruz put on. That's a weekend, a weekend long retreat. We do a couple of times a year. Um, At a recent Money in Marriage, we take live questions from the audience. We also give them an opportunity to write down questions that we answer live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And this year, we got some questions, a huge stack of questions, that some of them were so gnarly. They were so personal. They were so intense. We just didn't get through them all. But they're too important. As we went through them, they were so, so heavy and so important. And so what I want to do is start a segment at the end of the show where I answer these questions that...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
were that people left these are real people who wrote in these questions um and handed it in on a card we took it out of a out of an anonymous question box and um there's some doozy so here's tonight here's today's not tonight's but here's today's last night my husband admitted to a pornography addiction that's been going on for four years i'm utterly heartbroken and shocked where do we go from here right
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I don't know anybody who's been married for a long time, hasn't had their partner sit down and say, hey, here's something that's going on. We're about to go bankrupt. I have $50,000 in credit card debt. You thought I got a degree. I didn't. I'm about to lose my job. I've been struggling with pornography. I'm having an emotional affair, fill in the blank. And you sit in that moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
A couple of things to do right away. Number one is, regardless of what is said, and this is going to sound controversial, regardless of what you're told, a good default response is, thank you for sharing. If you can summon those words, thank you for sharing. You force yourself into what I would call a position of maturity. That doesn't mean you're not going to grieve like crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
That doesn't mean you're going to get enraged, angry, want to smash stuff, do smashed. It doesn't do any of that away. What it might do is stem anger. your next emotional response. And sometimes emotional responses are punches. Sometimes emotional responses are I'm leaving. Sometimes it's saying really ugly things that you can't get back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Sometimes emotional responses are you immediately try to take that pain away. You try, you go into peacekeeper mode and try to solve it real quick. Oh, I'm so sorry. Or an emotional response might be, oh my gosh, you've been like, in this case, you've been addicted to pornography because I'm not beautiful anymore. I haven't been around or, or, or that's not the time for the solution.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
When somebody sits down and puts this upon you, not by your hand, but in your lap, boom. I've had this ongoing addiction to pornography for four years. Thank you for sharing. The second thing is, almost always, 99.9% of the time, the solution will not come in this first day or two or three or four or five.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
These are moments for revelation, for heartbreak, as you mentioned here, for shock, for lack of better terms, this is about survival now. If you can hear it, thank you for sharing. Tell me everything. Tell me everything. You just listen. I'd advise you to write things down, things that you feel, things that you want to say. Get them out of your body, but write them down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Don't lob them onto somebody else, but write them down. And then over the next 24, 48, 72 hours, two, three, four days, the fog begins to clear on the next right step. And it's not the next right step towards solution every time. It's the next right step towards dealing with the smoke and ash that was your marriage, the smoke and ash that was your reality that's now very, very different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Sometimes it's I need to go stay with a friend for a couple of days. Sometimes it's I need you to go stay with a friend for a couple of days. Sometimes it's I don't want to see a laptop open. I'm cutting off the internet for the next 10 days. I need to do a thing right now that's pretty drastic. And if you don't want to be around that, fine, but I need you to step out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Sometimes it is, we're going to go to dinner tonight and I need to hear every single lurid detail. I want to know all of it. Sometimes it's, we're going to sit down today and we're going to go through your search history. I want to know. Sometimes it's fill in the blank, but it gives you 24, 48, 72 hours. The next thing is you have to have somebody or a small group of people you can talk to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Secrets will kill you, and grief demands a witness. Sometimes it's a therapist. Sometimes it's a counselor. Sometimes it is a close group of girlfriends. And if a husband says, I've been addicted to pornography for four years. You can't tell anybody. Nope, you just threw a grenade. You handed me a grenade. You can't say, here's a grenade. Just hold it. Not going to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Now, I'm not going to go parading it around. I'm not going to be ridiculous. I'm not going to go smear you. I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to get down in the mud like that. But this is a lot for me to hold when I'm utterly heartbroken and shocked, as the author writes here. So I'm going to find somebody. So the response, shell-shocked. Thank you for sharing. And I know that sounds crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Try it next time somebody tells you something insane, something heavy, something that just blew your world up. Thank you for sharing. Calm is contagious. Then I'm going to begin to write some of this stuff down. I'm going to begin to exhale. I'm going to find somebody that I can talk to that I trust, one or two or three or four people. And then we will go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
To the person who wrote this, you're not alone. Lots of homes all over the place are destroyed by pornography. And if you are struggling with pornography and you need to sit down with your partner, today is as good a day as any. Secrets will kill you and it will destroy your marriage. Let's start there. That wraps up today's show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
We're going to leave on a heavy note, I guess, with some of these marriage questions, man. There's some gnarly ones here on the stack that we'll go through. Thanks for being with us. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Love y'all. Bye. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. So the grief that you're putting on into the world is yours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And the grief, you keep telling yourself a story. And that story is, he's so amazing, he's so amazing, he's so amazing. At the same time, you're telling yourself another story, which is, he will never teach my boys to be the men I want them to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I'll sit with you. And for the last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd be honored if you want to join us on this show. We take calls from all over the planet. Give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291. or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And we'd love to have you on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And those two stories can't compete.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You're making yourself bananas, right? You're trying to spin the record both directions, and it just sounds like noise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Well, I just reject that he can't. Okay. The first time I ever went deer hunting was I was in my 30s. And it's because my father-in-law berated me into it. And it's become my singular obsessive passion over the last 15 years. I watched my dad fix stuff growing up because we had no money. He had to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And this weekend, as I was building garden beds by myself, I grew up in the suburbs, dude, outside of a major city. As I was building garden beds for our property outside of town in the woods, this weekend, I was thinking, huh, I've come a long way. And by the way, I had my headphones on and I was listening to an audio book of a nerdy science book about marriage. So both things are true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
You've told yourself a story that your husband can't. And that's easier than dealing with the truth is that he won't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Because I don't think you respect him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay, tell me about that. Don't put this onto the boys. The boys can learn whatever you want to sign them up for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Be specific about a lot of different ways. That feeling becomes a lot. Be specific. Are you frustrated with your financial situation? Are you frustrated with, you thought you wanted to live, do ministry and live in rural Mississippi and you hate it there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Did you think he was going to be a guy who exercised, knew how to fix, like, did you think just men just knew how to do some stuff and he doesn't know how to do that stuff? Like, be specific.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What's a deeper thing. This isn't about cabinets. This is not about him looking for a job. It's even deeper than that. Be totally honest. What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And call, leave a message, let us know what's going on in your world, and we'll see if we can get you on. And Kelly's gone today because, evidently, administrative tasks were more important than partying with us. So T-Money's running the ship, and T-Money likes to drive fast. So let's go out to Gulfport, M-I-S-S-I-S-I-P-P-I, and talk to Kate. What's up, Kate?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
What are you doing on a day-to-day basis to contribute to that not being the same way? Because I hear somebody who's just looking around and saying, all of my life is happening to me. Where are you taking control and autonomy and running with it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Can I tell you that I'm really proud of you for that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
That's good. That's awesome. And underneath all of that, you sound to me profoundly lonely in rural Mississippi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Tell me about some girlfriends that you have that you go hang out with, you have coffee with, that you go have beers with, that you just act silly with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But that's work. Do y'all hang out outside of work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
So I want that to be on your radar. Okay. I'm trying to think of things that you can control. Here's the bigger picture. You're on a bullet train to recreate the marriage that you experienced in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And it's because you've told yourself stories about your husband. And then you hold him accountable for those stories. At the same time, and I don't say this lightly, he is a man who is currently lacking in integrity. And if you don't own that, then you make yourself bananas when you're like, he's so great, he's so wonderful. And I hate where we live. We tried this life and I don't like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
We don't have enough money for basic stuff. And what y'all, it sounds like the old pictures and words thing. You have a very clear picture of what quote unquote looking for a job looks like. He evidently does too. And those pictures don't align. So he can go have a bunch of cups of coffee and have some lunches with some guys and talk about jobs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And you come home and you're just sobbing that your husband's a loser because he won't apply for a job. And he's thinking, I tried. I'm trying. Or you have pictures of us not being in Mississippi anymore. And he's trying to find a job that will pay bills in rural Mississippi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
And so what I think you need is to back all the way out. Number one, let go of the all men are bad. They're not. Most men are doing the best they can. They have limited tools and the world shifted on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Okay. And I don't know anybody that if they could go back and coach their dad to do different things, wouldn't have a long list of things they could coach their dads on. And it breaks my heart for you that that call is never going to come that he's proud of you. It's not going to come. And I think you got to grieve that and write him a letter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
I'm so good. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Don't send it to him, but write it, get that, get that stuff out of your body. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
Cause it just loops and loops and loops and loops and loops. And you're taking small baby steps, which I love to see of making like being well inside your own head, inside your own heart, inside your own house. You're taking action steps, which is amazing. Exercising, going to see a counselor. I want you to start hanging out with friends outside of work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Husband Is an Idiot (but I Don’t Want To)
But I want you and your husband to go sit down and have a honest to goodness conversation. That is you telling him, I don't like our life. And if the more specific you can be, the better dollar amount, geographic location, career trajectory. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Is that cool? It's going to suck, but if that's what's needed, I'll do absolutely anything to move on from this, even if it's not in the direction that I'm hoping for. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
The thing you can do next, you can't undo what happened. The thing you can do next is be a person of high integrity and honor moving forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And that's just been eating me alive too because I've, you know, it's thrown my moral compass so off because I've always told myself I wasn't that person. I would never be able to do that. And, you know, I've looked down on others that have done that and they're like, okay, well, they can do that to the person they say that they vowed everything to. They can do that to me. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That's right. And so you are now have to reestablish trust with you. And that means you have to do the next right thing. You can't will it or you can't think it into being. You just have to act it. You have to do the next trustworthy thing. I've often found trust rebuilding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
If you have other people in your life that you've wronged, it'd be a good time to get on the phone and call them and say you're sorry. It's doing the next right thing with your wife and with your kid. It is going to do some acts of service. So twice a week, I want you to go to a food kitchen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I want you to go do the next right thing that's bigger than you so that you can reestablish trust with yourself. If you go to a local church, I want you to go sit with a pastor and say, hey, here's what I did, man. I blew up everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I don't know how to say this gently. I think that most – one of the greatest engineering feats in human history is the – The bikini top?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That was one of the very first things I did. Good. I went there and talked with them. We did therapy immediately. We've done couples therapy. We've done... tried to do that stuff. And couples therapy didn't really seem to...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
help that she didn't really give any you know tools to use or any kind of plan of action yeah sometimes going to couples therapy right after something this big is like trying to go to pt instead of into surgery it's like being in a car wreck and going straight to the physical therapist it's not time yet man you still gotta you gotta reset the bones and stitch somebody up and take out all the bad tissue let those wounds heal and then you can start going to physical therapy
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Right. It's just, it's just a matter of going too fast, man. Um, yeah, I think you can do the next right thing, man. And I hope more than anything that your daughter doesn't grow up without a dad. Um, and so if your wife decides, Hey, I just can't move past this, such a, such a horrific violation of our marriage covenant. Um, I hope you will honor her and say, I get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And I'm going to be the best dad and co-parent I can be. I'm going to be an adult. I'm going to be a grownup, even though I'm sad and I'm heartbroken. And I hope you will do the things you got to do to rebuild trust in yourself. And maybe by God's grace, she comes around and says, okay, I'm going to go slowly, but surely, and we're going to rebuild this marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And here's what trust is going to look like. Reestablishing trust. You can't drink. I want to see your phone, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And you're going to say, cool, I'm a hundred percent in. Because I believe in you and I believe in us and I believe in being a good dad. This is a big one, man. It's a big one. Go slow, go slow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
You will not fix this in two months, three months, six months, one year. It's going to take a long time to rebuild this. Constantly focus on doing the next right thing for you, for your daughter, for your wife, for your marriage. Make sure to call, brother. We'll be right back. What's up, Heather?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Okay. I just think many bridges have been built using similar technology, right? They don't just fall off is what I'm trying to say. No, no. fascinating call. Who else we got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
How many is many? That's you said that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, okay. I retract my congratulations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Your name's not on the business?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, sweet Heather. Oh, man. What a mess. Huh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Why did he suddenly start flexing on you this long? Has he always run like this? Or is this new behavior?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I'm instantly thinking of a woman I sat with who was married to a man who's a bit older than her. He had vast wealth, was very wealthy. A good man. I knew him. He's a friend of mine. He's an older guy. He passed away. And he actually left everything to his wife. She couldn't afford to buy groceries because of the process of unwinding everything. Like, it wasn't in her name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I thought you were going to say by her coworker and I was going to flip it around and be like, I know how that feels.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And even though she was a beneficiary, I remember sitting with her saying, she's saying, I don't have any money in the checking account.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And so that naming became really important because it allows you to maneuver. It allows you to make decisions. He dropped dead today. And man, you've got a business that's not yours. Your name's not on it. Now, it technically would be yours and it'd get all probated out and it'd be a big old mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And that's assuming your daughter didn't suddenly flip a switch, which I've seen happen a jillion times. But why in the world is your name not on the business?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And then we touch on the great Arthur Brooks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah. You don't navigate that. You head directly through the middle of it. And if y'all been together 50 years, you're probably going to have to get an attorney or possibly your daughter walks with you. You have to be prepared for him, for this to go caustic is basically what I'm saying. And I don't know what kind of guy he is. Meaning, go ahead. What'd your daughter say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
But it's not his to leave. It's y'all's to leave.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
What are you supposed to do in retirement when he drops dead? Which statistically speaking, he will long before you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, cute. He's going to continue to pay you an allowance out of your business?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That's so good. All right. So if you're listening on Christmas day, we're glad that you're with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I hate that it's taken 50 years. Man, we could sit together for a long time and unpack this one. Is this one of those situations where this is devastating and not surprising?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
So I think the question you have to ask yourself is, are you going to go to war or not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I'm worried about you. I'm worried about you. Because this is 50% your business.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, yeah, that's the one where stepmom's top just fell off. He didn't have a choice. I... What up? Ho, ho, ho. It's Christmas Day. If you are listening to this episode, you're probably having one of those Christmas days. I'm so glad you're here. I'm kind of hoping you're not listening today and you're with your family and the snowflakes are falling and there's chestnuts on fires or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I'm telling you what is legally accurate. I don't care what he's saying. He's proven his character. I'm just shocked by it, to be honest with you. It just doesn't make any sense to me how people run like this. But I guess you could sit across the table from him and say, hey, you gave me this piece of paper. I'm a co-owner of this business. I reject this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
i totally get it man glad that you're with us go for a walk down the street um tell everybody you're doing something really really important and check out my favorite calls of 2024 and merry merry christmas let's go out to jacksonville florida and talk to cam what's up cam how's it going dr john i'm good brother what's up man uh i guess i will just cannonball right on into this one um
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And if you want me to get an attorney, I just go to court to figure this thing out. We will. And you're going to burn up a huge chunk of your assets, probably to the point we have to sell this business to cover your legal fees. But I reject this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And your daughter's going along with it? Is she cool with cutting you out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, man. Because my hope in this situation is she would call time out and say, this isn't right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Okay. I'm never a fan of doing things behind another spouse's back. That goes against 99.9% of just the way I roll. But I think you need to call an attorney and figure out what the next right step for you is. I think you need to set up that consultation and pay that fee and walk through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And if you have your tax returns from the last few years, I would take them in and just explain your situation. Here's what this business is worth. Because they're going to run a net present value on the business and say, okay, it's worth about this if you were to sell it. And here's the path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Here's your legal path in this state for sitting down with your husband saying, actually, this is what's going to happen next. And I can't give you legal advice. I don't know enough. I'm not that smart. What I can tell you is your feeling of betrayal is real and it's right. Your feeling of dishonoring is right. Your feeling of that my husband and my daughter's hanging me out to dry here is right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
The idea that you've put your entire life, including your inheritance, your money for a thing y'all built to find out You're going to get an allowance from your daughter when it's all said and done? No way, dude. No way. No way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I mean, I just know about homes. I don't know about businesses in Michigan, but I can see a scenario where it gets down to a forced sale of this business, and that might cost you marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah. What's the business worth?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah. So it might cost you your marriage, but you might be sitting on the sidelines with $12.5 million. I can't tell you what to do here. I can just sit with you heartbroken.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I'm heartbroken with you, my friend. I wish 50 year marriages were honored, not, um, worked around. I, I, I, you know, I, I work here at Ramsey solutions and I listened to, you know, Dave Ramsey has been on the air forever and he's, he's fond of saying Sharon Ramsey hasn't worked a day of her life outside of the home. She's worked like a madhouse for 40 years inside the home. Right. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
The question is, how do me and my wife rebuild our marriage after I had a one-night stand or a hookup, I guess, with her stepmother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I just can't imagine that playing out that way. Like there's a lot wrong with this picture, but it starts with the dishonoring of you. You're right. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I would call somebody today. I would not go up to that by myself either. If you have another child that would go with you, preferably a girlfriend that would go with you. Um, but I would not go to that meeting by yourself because you're going to hear different things and you're going to have a mix of anger and rage and heartbreak.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And you want somebody else that's going to be able to be present, fully present there with you taking notes as well. Um, so don't go to that meeting by yourself, but do make that call and yuck. I'm sorry. Um, so, um, You meet somebody and you're taken by them and they're clearly taken by you. Walk us through the brain chemistry from there to, oh no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Eric, let's just, as they say, back that thing up. Say what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah, really just a wild situation. In all seriousness, what happened? We were all drinking together. We all killed a bottle of tequila, the three of us within the hour. And then it was just me and her stepmom in her apartment. My wife went downstairs with the kids and all that good stuff, and they were swimming. Basically, she was asleep, and I was on the couch just waiting for her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I didn't know adrenaline is in on this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I didn't know that was part of the game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
What's the, for lack of better terms, what's... that would preserve us, that would keep us in the tribe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Nowadays, the text message didn't look right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
So that's when you're low, it's... It's met.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Do you want to, though? Because I feel like that's what eHarmony does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Right, it drops you off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
But I remember... I skipped a final to go get coffee with my wife. And I literally rationed. I'll talk to the professor. We'll figure this out. And if my son was like, Dad, I met this girl. I'm going to go get coffee. I would say, please go out to your final.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Go out to your final. I know. But also, I threw away a full 100% track scholarship to university because I met a girl at a summer camp. Yeah. And you know what I mean? You're romantic. Bro, I'm so bad. I'm so bad. I threw it all away. Yeah. I quit a job and moved to Spain. It made perfect sense. And I have my life because of it. And it's completely irrational.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That was my dean of students job. Like, hey, this guy keeps texting me and I don't want him to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I was going to wake her up for her work call. She was supervising or whatever and had to... and like send a closing email. So I was standing there making sure she woke up to do that. And when she woke up, her top fell off. She was wearing a bikini. Her top fell off and put it back on. And then I kind of like pursued after that. So your marriage is over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
No, it's my chemical romance philia.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And here's the... I feel like 95% of this show has become un-Hollywoodizing everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is not sexy every morning. I would eat my body weight in gummy candy every day. It's a problem. Love it. Me too. And I have to decide, am I going to do that or not? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
There is no Hollywood movie that I know of that's worth watching that somebody says, hey, I need to consciously and intentionally limit myself to three text messages a day to this person. That just doesn't exist. The question is always, how do you feel? How do you feel? How do you feel? And I feel like in our culture, we chase feeling off a cliff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Because that same feeling shows up this way, but that same feeling showed up for me 10 years in when I didn't feel it anymore. Right. And then your colleagues are like, well, then... I guess it's not a soulmate. Or they say what I think is the most insane statement these days is that relationship just ran its course. They don't just stop. People quit. And that's fine if you don't quit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
But this idea that there's just a natural lifespan to some of this, it circles back to... You have to know what you're talking about to then say, oh gosh, that's me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And I'm not insane or broken or crazy, but I have to be intentional about this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
We have a bodies built for scarcity when it comes to food. That's not our environment anymore. We have bodies designed for there's two suitable mates in this tribe and his dad's gonna pick them. And that's not our world anymore. So we have to build structures.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
You're not going to rebuild this. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can't think of a more egregious violation, man. I can. Kids and beyond kids, this. Yeah, it's definitely. Yeah, you've blown it up. I think the integrous thing to do is to treat your wife with dignity and respect as y'all make. I mean, I can't think of a murder like just. Dishonoring thing you could do to somebody, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah. And the other side is, I talk to couples and... Like, you'll sleep together... How many... Like... Three times a year? And they're like, dude, this is my best friend. This is my best friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That is so countercultural.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I've got a few best friends. We've been friends for 30 years. Right. We still get together a couple times a year and we live all over the country. We've all done stupid stuff to each other, said stupid things. That's not funny, man. But like... But we have a couple of non-negotiables that have emerged that like, you can raise kids, you can bury parents, you can go through cancer together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
But if this singular thing happens, I guess none of it, right? Everything feels so disposable. But I keep looping back to, as you're talking, he just keeps looping back to, how does this feel? And where's the passion? Where's the passion? Instead of where's the foundation and we're going to figure this out. Yeah. Right? That's right. We're going to work through it. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And maybe what we had is over. We're going to build something else. Of course. Because we said we would. Right? Yeah. And that does not seem to be having lived that. Yeah. I get it. It's one of the hardest things for me to try to distill down and explain in a simple way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Sleep with them, sleep with them, sleep with them. No, we just met, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I don't feel like it today. put your phone down and look at your kids in the eye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I was traveling, and I just flew in this morning. I was traveling, and You know those traveling phone calls. You get a little short. Yeah. And I was short and I didn't like it. I don't have – I don't know how these phones work. And so the guy who travels with me, I was like, hey, do you have that thing where you can order food and send it? Well, you send ice cream to my house. And he's like, okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I agree. It was the most of my biggest. dumbest decision I've ever made and my biggest regret. And I've just, how long have you been married? Um, this year would be five years. Those kids yours. Um, it was her, one of them is, and she was with my, her, uh, little brother and sister as well. Okay. So your wife has two kids by somebody else. No, she, um, she, there's three down there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I'm a 21st century dude, but okay. And so anyway – I got a message later that was just all hearts, and it was like a, hey, thanks, this is awesome. But it was that. I can stew. I'm on the road. I don't have to see anybody. I can just be all dramatic. But that's anxiety, right? That is every, I don't want to work out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
If you head into it, it's always on the other side of it, and it's never avoidant, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
All right, pa-rum-pa-pa. No! Listen, if you stayed with us this long on Christmas Day, I'm so glad you did. You listened all the way through. Can we all just agree that wherever we happen to find ourselves over the next day, two days, three days, when the little drummer boy comes on in protest, we're going to walk out of the room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Up on the housetop. Like that song. I don't know why, but it's in my soul. Out jumps good old Santa Claus.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Well, I used to lay in bed. I used to lay in bed and wait for the clip-clops. And my dad used to be like, hey, man, if you listen real quiet, you can hear the deer hooves on the roof. And I used to try until I just went to sleep. And I just did that song like, up on the housetop. It just gets in my soul. That's my jam, dude. That's my jam. Not... And by the way, listen. Can we just clear this up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
There's nobody still listening, but there's six or seven of you who are having a rough Christmas day. You're still with us. Listen. Listen. I know there are various pop versions and rock versions and metal versions or whatever of Parumpapumpum, little drummer boy. You can... Armor all, you can shine up, you can wrap a dog turd in the nicest leather. It's still a dog turd.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
You can have the greatest... The song still sucks so bad. So everybody on the internets are going to send me notes like, what about this version? What about this? Great. I probably love the band. I probably love the band. I just think they're incredibly misguided by all getting together and be like, bros, you want to record a Christmas song? Yeah. What do you got? Drummer boy. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
It's my favorite. It's not. It's not. It's not. If... One day, some of my favorite punk and metal bands decide to do up on the housetop reindeer paws. Oh, that would crush. But anyway, hey, love you guys. Merry, Merry Christmas. Seriously, take your headphones out. Turn this off and go be with people or the woods. Go for a walk. Do something. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
One, it was just one. That was our daughter. That's the only kid we have. And then the other kids were her stepmom's kids. Okay. Um, her brother and sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
So, obviously, you know this. This is just, like, insanely sensational, and it's going to make for good YouTube clips and all that. And you also know that what you did is, like, it's just the lowest thing you could do to somebody. So, I'm not going to kick you while you're down anymore. Like, what's the world been like since then?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I've just been trying to figure everything out. I've been really, really hard. I mean, you know, I've been trying hard to forgive myself and just to... you know, just work on myself is all I can do at this point. I mean, I, um, me and my wife are cohabitating right now. Um, we're still in the same room and stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Um, we've been able to go and do things together and they've been civil and then, you know, nothing, nothing crazy. Our marriage wasn't perfect before this by any means, obviously, or this wouldn't have even been close to happening, but, uh, is your wife want to stay married to you? She's in limbo right now. What's the limbo? We just need to work on ourselves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
We've been attached at the hip since we were 17 and really lost ourselves in our relationship. We just got together real quick and moved out of state after that real quick and then had a baby by 18. Our whole life was just each other and baby.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That's not a bad thing and that's not a reason why you hook up with somebody's mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
not at all. There's never a reason why that it should not have happened. There's no, I'm not trying to make any excuse. I've tried to take accountability from the, you know, sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I'm saying like, I'm saying like the, there's like this just annoying cultural narrative. Like you got to go find yourself. I mean, you don't, you, you, you make a commitment with somebody and y'all figure it out. Right. Y'all said we're going to build something together. Um, um, So what do you want to do next?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I want my family more than anything. And I understand that I've blown that up and I'm just trying to, I just can't think of not coming home to my daughter every night and not come home to my wife every night. Like it just doesn't, life doesn't seem like there's, obviously there's more to go and there's, I mean, I'm 23, about to be 24. So there's more to go. You're a quarter of the way done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
First quarter's up. I just can't see life without them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I really can't. Because you'll have a child together, unless you're going to abandon this child, you will be in each other's lives forever. Right. So that's a given. I don't know unless y'all have some sort of defining... The only word I could think of right now, and this isn't accurate, this isn't right, but this is the word that's in my head. Y'all have to have some sort of line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
But I'm so glad you're with us. This is a special best of my favorite calls from this past year, 2024. Kelly, Merry Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Ho, ho, ho. This is a special best of. My favorite calls.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Like I'm thinking of the word funeral keeps coming to mind. You have to have a funeral for what was. What we had is over. And as you described it, the stumbling from 17 into 18 to, oh my gosh, we're parents to trying to make it all work to I got really wasted and hooked up with her mom. Like that is all over. And you got dropped into a coal plunge like you're an adult, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And when you're 18, 19, 20, and you have a little one, it's easy to kind of still be a kid, but also be a parent. You know what I mean? Like you're a grown-up adult who may have just blown up his whole life. Definitely blew up his whole life. Right? So there has to be some sort of line drawn. This was, and now this is. And that might be you sitting down saying, okay, I have blown up our life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
What we had is over. Both of us have to be adults and sit at this table and decide what we're going to do next. Do you want to be married to me? And she's probably going to say, I don't know, because the thought of answering that question is she knows her life is different now, is blown up, but I don't know that she's metabolized it. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah, it's definitely taken some time. It's only... two months ago on the eighth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And in the fact that the knife that cut her is still sleeping in the same bed, it's just really close. So it might mean you go and saying, I'm gonna take 30 days for you. And I'm going to go live with my mom, with a friend, with whatever, and let the smoke clear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Right. And we, we did that for about two weeks, I would say. And then my, uh, staying at my mom's and she lives off a dirt road though. And a bunch of storms came through and made it pretty inaccessible to get through, especially with my car. And, uh, so then went to the couch and then kind of went from there, went back into the bed and whatnot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And also with you. All right, so we've got these calls here. Was that like a Catholic Christmas? And also with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And it doesn't, it doesn't sound like she's ready for you to be back yet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yeah. Harsh. I mean, it's, she worked. There's, Not as of now. She's been at home with her daughter. She's going... I think she's actually starting today to get her GED. She's going to the local schools out here and doing the testing and stuff like that. Okay. She didn't get it. So she's taking the GED today? Yeah, sure. She's starting the class.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I think she's taking the pre-quizzes and pre-tests and all that stuff to see where she's at.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
So I want to challenge you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I know that... The life of your daughter will be different without a dad in the home. Okay? I know that. I also know that a wife living in terror of her marriage will negatively impact your daughter as well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And so I can imagine your 22 or 23-year-old wife hearing the most insane news ever and having to stay in the same lion's den of the lion who just mauled her present and her future because she has no money. She has nowhere to go. Right. And so part of me thinks it would be of high integrity to you for you to say, honey, you're trapped, and I know that. is she still flinching around you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Um, there are good days and bad days. Um, we've been able to go to the movies and we were just able to, you know, this last week I went to the escape room together and went to dinner and, you know, we're still doing things like that and able to laugh together. And, you know, I've been able to be intimate and hug and kiss her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
And then, and then other days it's not going like that, which I completely understand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
I want to challenge you to sit down with your wife and say, you've heard me say this before, but I want you to hear me say it again. I blew our lives to smithereens. And my ultimate dream is that you will rebuild something new with me. But I also know that you need time to breathe. So for 30 days, I'm going to go live here and I'm going to take care of all the bills at this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, dude, that's kind of a Catholic flex, Ben. Way to go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
You're not going to worry about anything. I want you to be able to breathe. And I'm going to write you a letter every day and put it in the mailbox. I would love for you to write. Maybe you present her with a nice journal, like something you go somewhere and buy a nice one today and put it on the, on the, I want you to get this stuff out of your body and write down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Cause I know I hurt your ad, but if you keep hovering and she is legitimately trapped as a 22 year old with, with a high school diploma, does she even graduate high school? No, sir. Okay. She's got nothing. And she has to tread water. You've heard of fight or flight, right? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
There's another one called fawn where you have to nuzzle up next to the person who just tried to kill you or just blew up everything because you've got nowhere to go. It's the safest place for you. That's true. Okay. Do the next dignified right thing and give her a chance to breathe and make sure she's got no worries when it comes to money for the next month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
So we have the best calls of the year, right? Not the best, but my faves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Okay. I guess I have a kind of a wimpier question for you based off of that then. Okay. I just feel like we've both established that we're both just codependent on each other and that, you know, it's just hard for me to... You don't even know what that means, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
That's a couple of 23-year-olds Googling what that term means.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
very true okay you don't even know what that means so don't don't try to give any diagnostic excuses you got to be a grown man you're 23 you just blew your family up you have to say okay i'm gonna do the next right thing which is to let my wife stand back up on her own two feet because i knocked her down and then we're going to come to the table and i'm going to say i'll do anything it takes what does rebuilding trust look like and after 30 days of the smoke clearing her catching her breath she may look across that table and say nothing you slept with my mom
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Right. Or she might say, here's what it's going to take. I'm going to need this, this, and this, and this. And then you, as a grown man, have to make a choice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Yes. All right. And so give us the rundown of a couple of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Does that make sense? It does. And I'm not trying to minimize the situation or make an excuse, but I didn't fully sleep with her mom. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It happened. And it's try to take accountability from the beginning. I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Go from there. She didn't find out or anything. I sat her down and told her, which also doesn't make a difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Like she's lost everything. And there's past trauma from her stepmother as well. I would imagine so. I would imagine so. And so I think that we're doing the next compassionate right thing. which is you're going to have groceries. The rent's taken care of. The bills are taken care of. You're going to be able to breathe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Even if you want to go one step further, which I think you should, I'm going to help with childcare, whatever you got to do. I'm going to give you 30 days. And then at the end of 30 days, I want us to go eat breakfast at such and such place. And I want us to ask the question, are we going to stay married? And I want you to tell her, I hope we can. And I understand we got to rebuild everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
Oh, yeah. That's the one where stepmom's top just fell off. He didn't have a choice. I...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 3: John’s Favorite Calls of 2024
But I want y'all to have a date on the calendar when y'all are going to come back together. Right. That makes sense. And say, text me if you need me to come get our little girl. But we're not sleeping together. We're not hugging and kissing. We're just taking a break.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
bury you in five years as bad as that sounds let's see hey that's a that what you just told me that's exactly how you say it okay i just that's exactly how you say it and and by the way if you weren't attracted to him i wouldn't think you're being shallow either okay you're allowed to be attracted to who you're attracted to and i know that plays a part of into it but my guess is
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Yes, he's gained 100 pounds in a year. That tells me he's got some significant other challenges going on in his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Of course it has. Of course it has. And by the way, I've never in my entire life ever met with somebody, sat down with somebody, talked with somebody who gained a hundred pounds in a year that did not have some significant other challenges going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And you have a particular life that you want to live. And the guy you started dating and guy you fell in love with would do those things. And the guy now that you're about to marry, for some reason, has just cashed out on his health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Stop. I can't let you keep going with that. Yeah. Your ovarian cancer has zero to do with his 100 pound weight gain. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
We're going to be done with that conversation. It's not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I know, but this isn't about weight gain. This is about you're watching the man that you love slowly, slowly kill himself. And I guarantee you the light in his eyes has gone out, hasn't it? Yeah. Yes. That's what you're missing. The weight gain is the byproduct of. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
It's the alarm bells that are going off. It's a number on a scale we can see that, but this tells me there is something, several dramatic things going on inside the heart and chest and mind of this guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But he has to decide he wants to live a zestful, exciting, fun, rambunctious, adventurous life. With his new wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
He has to decide that you can't force it. And your mom tried to shame you into it, and you know that doesn't work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
She tried to belittle you into it, and you know that doesn't work. Yeah. So the exact conversation you just had with me is what you have with him. We're a month out, and I'm about to push pause on this wedding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Because I can't commit myself to somebody who's not interested in living a full life. And I've watched you over the last year just give up on life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
He might. He might. And you also might say, thank God somebody saw me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But as you said, at this trajectory, you're going to bury him in five years, so he's going to leave anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I know. But can I also tell you this? He knows that there's a big disconnection between the two of you. He can feel it. He knows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
They don't feel like... Listen, listen. You have a lot of feelings. You see a counselor every other week. I think you should sit down with your counselor and say, okay, I need to have this hard conversation because I'm about to pause the wedding. I'm about to pause this because I can't be a part of somebody watching somebody just drown.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And at some point you're going to have to have some boundaries with him and you're going to have to say, hey, you got to go see somebody. You've got to get on a plane. You got to meet with a nutritionist because I'm not going to watch my husband die. I'm just not going to watch that. I can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And I'm not going to belittle you and beat you up and scream at you because that happened to me my whole life. And I know what that feels like. And I know that, you know, nobody in the world knows, I mean, feels worse for this guy than he does. He knows. He gets it. But if nothing changes, nothing's going to change. And it appears that he is unable right now to flip that switch.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And so some big shakeup has to happen. And maybe you're saying, hey, I'm pausing the wedding. We're not doing this yet. We're going to put it out six more months. We're going to put out one more year. But we got a lot of work to do. We have a lot of work to do because I deserve to feel alive in my own home. My kids, I want them to have a dad and I want you to have a full adventurous life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
You're worth that. So Kelsey, yeah, I know it's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. It's all these feelings, all that emotion, but that doesn't mean just because it's hard or just because it hurts that it's not the right move. And I think you are exactly right. This is absolutely the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Your friend is on a very scary trajectory and you're right to love him enough to say, I'm turning all the lights on. I love you too much. Just let this keep going. And at the end of the day, you can't control him. He could leave. He could just say, forget it. I'm not doing nothing. Then you have to decide, am I going to watch this man slowly drown or am I going to step away?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Because I can't force him to do anything. I'm so sorry you're in this position, Kelsey, but I'll also say on his behalf, thank God he's got you. And man, I hope he'll hear you. Sit down with your counselor and get some very clear talking steps and make sure you're clear about what you want to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Write it down and then take them out and say, we're going to put your paws on the wedding because I'm not all right and I know you're not all right. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Look, I see a therapist. I think a lot of you probably should too. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. Some of you have tracker watches.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, We don't want to spend the money. We don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this. Your well-being is worth it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
You are worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Shreveport, Louisiana. Write down old I-20 there and talk to Abby. Hey, Abby, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Well, I appreciate you. Hopefully it was a good show this morning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
What is working off? What do you mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
So can we say out of the gate, this is clearly not a dream job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
It's a great job, but it does not give you the life you want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And what do you want this work life for?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Okay. So you tell me, what's the chances of moving closer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Is this your first marriage? Yes, sir.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Man, you guys have boxed yourselves in, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Okay. So is some of this he knows who he married and he knows that you're out of town four days a week?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Yeah, that's a conservation nightmare. I've been reading up on that. It's wild, man. Yes, it is. What is it about your job that you love?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I'm sorry this happened, man. Yeah, me too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Yeah. I don't have a good solution for you, sister. I'm sorry. I wish I did. I don't have a great solution. I mean, it, it,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Sure. Well, and I guess there's two things I would put on the table. One is nobody in the world, nobody...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
saw a conservative senate house and presidency coming in and all of the resulting cuts to public land conservation nobody saw that coming no i definitely didn't nobody did in a billion years nobody saw that right right i'm watching the most conservative people i know who are outdoorsmen just like in a panic right i'm reading up i'm like it's nobody saw that coming here's what i tell you that
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
The job that you have, will it still be here in 18 months, 24 months, 36 months? That's number one. I think it's the sense that it's always going to be here. And all of your colleagues thought that too. They thought that a month ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Right? So that's number one. The second one is... This one's unpopular, right? Still probably my top one or two favorite jobs ever of all time. Like the job I have right now is like a glitch in the matrix. It's not real, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
So what's your next move, man? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's silly. This is my job, okay? I was a high school basketball coach and a track coach. I loved it. And I coached cross country. And then I went to basketball season and then went to track season. And I was unmarried. I had no kids. And so I got up at six o'clock. I had to be in my classroom by like 640. So because the bell rang at 710 or something got awful early.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And I'd get home at midnight. And that was just my life. And I loved it. I loved it. And I get to look back on it now in season as the great job that it was. It was a blast. I got to hang out with lots of amazing high school athletes, lots of amazing high school kids. I mean, it was just an amazing... Coaches, I got to learn so much. It was a great time in my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And it would be completely impractical now with the life I have now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Can I tell you what I think about you? How old are you? I'm 25. I think you're a person. Maybe I'm crazy. I think you're a person that will find joy at just about any job in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Forget your coworker for a second. What about your wife, dude? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking to people all over the world about challenges in their relationships, their mental and emotional health. All kind of crazy things in this world that we're all trying to figure out how to navigate. It feels like every day the news gets wilder and wonkier and...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I think he's right. I just listened to you talk. You know what was so crazy? My next job, I loved it. And then the job after that, I loved it. And there's some parts I don't love that aren't fun about every job. Right now, Kelly's staring right at me. I don't love that, right? But like there's...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But like, I think you're a kind of person that's just going to have pretty much a great life where you go. What I don't want you to do is I don't want you to have a fantasy about this picture of what being a wife is going to look like and then subsequently feel like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Then dump all that on your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Because then you're going to resent him that you're not out running around with deer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
If you make this transition, I want you to take full ownership of it and there's going to be some sad parts to it. Just because you miss your old job and grieve it doesn't mean that you creating this new picture isn't of great value and it's going to be awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And you know yourself well enough to know I probably will not be good sitting in a windowless office.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Yeah, go crazy. So cool. But I don't know. I don't know, like joining a yard crew or joining a land management team up there in central Louisiana. Like, who knows? But it wouldn't be a biologist. But, man, you've got a skill set that would be amazing to ranchers, to city parks, to, I don't know. You could be the next Leslie Knope. I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But you just feel like a person that's going to just be so full of joy wherever you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But can we also say this? This is a pretty sweet gig you have. It is. And it's all right to be really sad about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
You'll still be awesome, but instead of tagging ducks, you'll be all camoed up and you'll be like, now we're hunting them, right? I don't know what you'll be doing. But I think it'll be up to you to make sure I know what keeps me whole and well, and that is being outside.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
That's right. So let's do a couple of things. One, let's exhale. What an amazing two years you've been able to have. You got a biologist dream job. You've been running around and it fit you like, it fit you like a glove, this particular job for this particular season. That's amazing. And you've decided I want to have this other kind of life and it's not going to be compatible. I can't, I can't,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
drive two hours, one way to work. And so I'm going to grieve it. I'm going to be sad about it. Maybe you and your husband have a ceremony, like a, like a, like a cheesy little ceremony. Like this is the end of this particular season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And now I'm going to work really hard to find an outdoor job, a job I can run around and it's not going to be as good, but we're not going to compare because we've got a much bigger world that we're trying to create now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And when you have those moments where you feel sad or you see a whole bunch of deer on the side of the road, when you're driving in the middle of Louisiana, you can have that little lump in your throat, like, Oh, so fun. Or man, this, this, this particular field, it needs to have this kind of grass instead of this. You'll be able to do all that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But man, maybe you find yourself as a biology teacher and you are communicating to these kids like how amazing conservation is and how amazing the outdoor world is. I mean, that's awesome. But you get to create the next season of your life. And dude, I just applaud you for being a person who finds joy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And I applaud you for being a person who says, I have a different picture for my life and it's gonna cost me the one I'm living right now. I'm going to make that happen. You're amazing, Abby. Amazing, amazing. Hang on the phone. My wedding gift to you is we're going to hook you up with all the questions for humans, for couples, for you and your fiance, and as he becomes your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And also, hang on the line. I'm going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book, Work Your Wire To Do. It's got a... like a survey in there, like an inventory to see what kind of jobs you might be interested in. And it might be a good way for you to start exploring new careers with the passions that you already have. So hang on the line here. I'll hook you up with those, with those gifts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Congratulations. And thank you for brightening up our show a little bit today. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. I have a money and marriage question here. Here's the question. Our son and daughter-in-law live about four and a half hours from us. She is his whole world, which we agree should be his first commitment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
However, while they spend time with her family almost weekly, uh-oh, here comes the scorekeeping. we are lucky to see them two to three times a year. All calls are initiated by us. We're always very open with communication prior to their marriage, but since then we feel like we've been shut out of their lives often.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
We've gently told them we love them and we want to love and support them even though we are not nearby. We've shown we are more than willing to visit them, but we are never invited. How do we manage resentment that keeps resurfacing mostly towards our daughter-in-law? Number one, get over yourself. Get over yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
You raised an independent son who is off creating the life that you raised him to create. Get over it. That's number one. Now, number two, don't just get all the way over it, okay? I want you to pick up the phone and tell your son, I'm coming down to probably his dad. Dad, I'm coming down to meet with your son. I want to take you to lunch, take you to breakfast. Just us two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And drive down and say, hey, I'm creating a whole bunch of stories in my head. Me and your mom are creating a whole bunch of stories in our head. And I guess I just want to tell you I miss you. And it's not your job to make us feel like we have purpose in the world or whatever. But we really miss you. And we miss how connected we used to be. And we know that you're married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And we know you've got a new life. And we know we get all that. But, man, we miss you. What does it look like for us to visit? What does it look like? You've turned into a bad caller, a bad communicator. I'd love to talk to you, but I want to feel like we're not invading on you. What's the best way we can do this? We feel like behavior is a language.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
We feel like we're getting a message you don't want to send your life. And maybe y'all are too much. Maybe he's finding a different level of peace with being around his new wife and her family. Maybe he just gets to exhale. I don't know. I don't know if you all show up and you're criticized and complain. If you're like, well, why are you doing this? I don't know. Who knows?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I don't know what the dynamic is. But if dad drives down and meets with his son... Presence is a huge thing. And saying the words, hey, I've been making up all these stories over the last couple of years. I'm so happy for you. And golly, I miss you, man. I miss you so much. The stories I'm making up are that we drive you crazy. You don't want to talk to us anymore. And I don't want to be a burden.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But also, man, we miss you. Sometimes I wish you'd call your mom. Talk to me, bud. Talk to me. And that's how I'd approach it. And unspoken secrets, unspoken frustrations turn into those resentments, and that's not fair for his new wife. It's not fair because your son doesn't call you, and y'all don't like calling him. You want him to have to do the work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Fine, you can put those expectations on him, but if he doesn't meet them, blaming his new wife is simply unfair. It's not cool. I also want y'all to be reflective. Are y'all critical? Do y'all show up and just sit on your phones the whole time? Do y'all show up and don't have any idea? Like, what do y'all want to do? I don't know. Like, how are y'all participating in his life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And then some of it is, yeah, man, this is kind of what happens. He goes off and begins his new adventure. And Maybe calls being initiated by you aren't such a bad thing. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. This one's tough, man. The only way this gets solved is by people speaking face to face with each other and being humble and saying, hey, I miss you. Hey, I'm making up stories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
You sent this text and I interpreted it this way. Am I out to lunch? My story is I'm making y'all crazy. We've made you crazy. My story that we're making up is your new wife doesn't like us. Is there ways, is there things we can do to become more likable because we want to be around you guys? That's the way to have that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Giving your son more chores as an adult as he's starting his new family is just a recipe for him to continue to isolate and go on about his life without you. Now it's time to have mano y mano. Two guys sitting down saying, I miss you, buddy. How can we reconnect? Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
She doesn't want to be married to you, man. Yeah, I mean, I hate to say it that blunt, dude, but is she spending money like crazy too? I found out that, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Um, yeah, brother, she doesn't want to be married, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
She doesn't want to be married to you, man. You can, you can cloud it up and convolute it as much as you want. Um, she doesn't want to be married to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
No, dude, it's madness, and you know that. Yes, I believe couples can come back together. I do. But like she told you, she's been giving you hints for a long time. She didn't really want to do this. Let me say it this way. She doesn't want the life that you want. You want to have a traditional marriage. You want to have kids. You want to have somebody that doesn't cheat on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
You want to have someone that doesn't steal from the family funds and go who knows where. You want to be with somebody that you don't have to wonder where they are no matter what they tell you because they lie all the time. Yeah. And she doesn't want that life. She wants to go where she wants to go, sleep with who she wants to sleep with, not have any more responsibilities. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Not disconnect from her ex. She doesn't want this life, man. Yeah. I mean, it's just crazy to think. I know. I mean, you don't. I know. It's crazy. Y'all just went through this. How long have y'all been dating?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
just hard to figure out what's the next right move. And that's what this show is about, real people going through real challenges. If this sounds like something you want to be a part of, I'd love to have you. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you fill out the form on the internets, and it will go to Taylor or Kelly, and they will help build the show and holler back at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Yeah, dude, that's not a violation of trust, homie. It's not. That's just her looking for some way that she can get out of this mess. I didn't even think about substance abuse. She's using all the time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Recently. Recently, yeah. Yeah. So here's the thing. You can do whatever you want to do. You're a grown-up, okay? You can plow ahead and just do life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Without some sort of radical change in what I would call core character. Somebody who tells the truth. Somebody that doesn't, isn't running around hiding from emotion. Someone who believes in fidelity. Somebody who, if they say they're no longer married to somebody else, they stop reaching out to them and trying to hang out with them and telling them secrets about their current marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Without that, man, I mean... You can hang on all you want, dude, but she doesn't want to be in this marriage. Period. And just remember her words. I've been giving you signs. Yeah. Now, as for... I don't... I don't know, man. You can go after your co-worker or whatever... That was an act of betrayal if y'all were friends and coworkers or whatever. But I think that's a distraction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
But I mean, what's your boss? Your boss, is it against the company policy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
be frowned I mean people look down on her I mean she's trying to essentially promote and get a higher position and honestly bro I don't think it's gonna I mean you can do what you're gonna do man I personally wouldn't spend my energy sitting down and having a big conversation with my boss In most companies in the United States, if you're good at your job, that's what they care about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And you can be with whoever you want to be with off company time. You can go do that, but I don't know what it's, it's more likely to just make work really an uncomfortable place. It's already uncomfortable, obviously. You can burn whatever you want to the ground. That's your life. I think the bigger issue here is dealing with this woman doesn't want to build a life with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
doesn't want to be married to you and doesn't want, doesn't share the same values that you share. And that to me is the bigger, more honest place you find yourself. And I'm so sorry that it happened to you, man. I can't tell you what to do next. I can tell you, I don't have a lot of faith in your wife. I've got zero faith actually.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And I don't know how you build a marriage on 100% lack of faith and trust. You can't. So unless there's a major turnaround there, yeah, man, unfortunately, I think things are pretty tough for you right now. Thanks for the call, man. Call me back anytime if I can help in any way. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bond Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bond Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
If they want to have you on the show, I'd love to love to have you. Let's go out to Panama city, Florida, Panama. Talk to Derek. What's up, Derek? Hey, Dr. Deloney. What's up, homie? How we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, EMF mat, all of it, all the time. And listen up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
If your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I just got the mask and I'm going to start using it soon so I can look beautiful. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. There's no creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go check them out. It was just a few weeks ago that we all moved our clocks forward one hour. Listen, I love the extra hour of daylight, but dude, losing an hour of sleep is tough on me and my entire family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
And it's when we lose that hour of sleep that I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for my attitude, my cognitive function, and my ability to just show up and be the husband and father I need to be. This is why I love my friends at Helix. My Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep more deeply so I wake up refreshed. I love, love, love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I also know that a big reason why my kids don't fight me very often on going to bed is because they sleep in luxury on their Helix mattresses. Helix offers a mattress for every person's sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you've got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back or your stomach or your side, however you sleep, Helix has got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Plus, Helix offers a 100 night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty, so there's really no risk. Let's make the most of your sleep this spring. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did, and they'll help you find the perfect mattress in less than two minutes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Just go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today and get 20% off site-wide for their spring savings event. That's 20% off everything at helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Please hit the subscribe button and go leave that five-star review for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
It really helps out the show, helps put this show into more people's algorithms so that they can get, man, some rational, honest talk about their relationships and their mental and emotional health, cutting through some of the nonsense out there. Let's go to Appleton, Wisconsin and talk to Kelsey. Hey, Kelsey, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
Nothing much, man. What about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
It's all good. It's all good. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
I guess my first question is, are you being shallow and judgmental?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
That was an excellent diversion from answering the question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'd probably say B. An 88 or a 79.5? Say 83. I think you're being very generous, but I'll go with you on that. Okay. Tell me about your relationship with your mom and dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
How's your physical health?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
That's fantastic. How's your faith?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'm glad to be talking to you. That's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Tell me about your financial life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
How are you going to pay for school?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
So your, your tuition's going to be covered? Yes. And your living expenses to drop out of the workforce?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Which, by the way, I would strongly recommend don't do that. But that's a whole other call. I don't plan to stop working completely. Okay. So here's what I'm poking around the edges. I don't think... Let me say this way. When somebody has a true fear and they run through the middle of that fear... There's often a resolution. In nerd speak, therapeutically, they would call it exposure therapy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'm scared of snakes. So I'm going to sit down with somebody. We're going to talk about snakes and they're going to come back to my office. We're going to talk about snakes again. They're going to come back to my office and we're going to get crayons and we're going to draw silly pictures of snakes. Then we're going to draw silly pictures again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And then in three or four weeks, I'm going to show you like internet photos of snakes. And then a few weeks later, we're going to write a story about you holding a snake. And then I'm going to show you pictures of snakes eating rats and mice. We're leading to you holding a live python in my office and you're laughing. You've run into that fear, taught your body over time,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Ooh, I don't know if you have that kind of power. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
through managing stress and when your body starts to go to fight or flight or freeze, and then actually exposing yourself to this alleged threat and teaching your body that it's okay. It's not a danger. And then your body literally goes, okay, we're moving on. If in your case, you have a fear of lack, of not enough, I'm going to run out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Ooh, I don't know if you have that kind of power. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You can usually identify that fear by meeting whatever standard you've set and then you instantly, your body instantly moves the finish line. That's a good barometer that what you are afraid of is a proxy war for something else going on in your life that's out of control and your body's trying to solve it in another way. And so the questions I asked you Often, people will be broke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
They owe six figures in student loans. They got a mortgage they can't afford. They got two car payments on depreciating assets, which is still the stupidest thing we do as Americans, is buy cars on payment plans. But like we... Your body knows you are one bad email from getting fired and your boss pulling your job, firing you, and you lose your house, your car, your food.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And so your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. But instead of dealing with that particular issue because that's scary and hard and takes radical lifestyle change, it's easy to look at something like savings or look at something like body fat percentage or look at something like how straight and clean your clothes are. It's a total diversion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And so going through the things we just went through, how's your friendship? If your body recognizes you're alone, If you have slowly over time collapsed multiple friendships, work camaraderie, faith camaraderie, doing hard things together, and you have dumped it all on this brand new marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And your wife is rattling under the weight as though she was sitting under a squat rack and you just kept adding plate after plate after plate. And by the way, men do this a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
cut our friendships off we cut our going out out after work off we stop going to concerts we stop going hunting with other people we just go ourselves and we dump everything sex co-parenting co-imagining co-dreaming friendship our wives have to carry all of it and they can't carry that weight it's too heavy so maybe that's it or maybe it's finances or maybe it's
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You're a brand new person of faith in this new faith tradition, and you're about to quit your career and go to graduate school to become a – that's a pretty abrupt switch. It's a pretty abrupt – it's a recipe for burnout real quick because one of the core tenets of graduate school in theology is they unwind your faith for you. Mm-hmm. Right? And then they help you put it back together. Sometimes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Sometimes they just unwind it, leave you with a handful of yarn and say, all right, go make a sweater. See ya. And everyone just freezes to death out in the cold. Right? All that to say is this. My big question for you is, what is your body trying to protect you from? Either now or in the past or potentially in the future. And it's using scarcity. It's using this imagined lack of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
What is it trying to protect you from? Is it this idea that you were always told you weren't enough? And now you have this woman that you committed your life to saying, okay, I want to start a family too. And you're like, oh gosh, what happens if, I don't know if you can carry that weight. What do you think your body's trying to protect you from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
In what areas do you think you're not good enough? Um... Just be blunt and honest because I promise you if the people listening to this show, you're not the only one. Looks, money, smarts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
That often comes from a childhood based on performance metrics. You'll get this report card where dad will look at you with disgust. Yeah. Mom will say something like, hey, if you do that, your dad's going to get really, really pissed. Or your dad will say, hey, your mom doesn't like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You need to stop because your mom's going to, and you realize at a really young age, oh, it's your job to make sure the adults are okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
So you end up carrying this really heavy weight, which essentially tells a young child, you must do X, Y, or Z, or we will withhold our love and affection for you. And intellectually, you know that's not true. You know their parents love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
But in your nervous system, your tiny little body, your 14-year-old body, when it was starting to get armpit hair and a little bit taller, it saw your dad's face. It felt that reactor in your mom's chest. It saw her go, when you needed new shoes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Or when you said, hey mom, I'm out of deodorant and she was down to her last dollar and she went, and you realized, oh, my body odor causes my mom stress. It's a little bitty pebbles in a backpack and you suddenly wake up and you're older and that backpack's heavy. And the only way I've seen people work through this is to be very specific about the things they believe they lack in
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And to do two things. Number one, find usually a group of people, a counselor, a spouse, and a couple of buddies to outsource it in the short term. I still do this to this day. I will walk out of my closet and I'll look at my wife before I'm headed out to a speaking event where they're paying me an ungodly amount of money to come speak to somebody's company. And I'll say, do I look okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Are your parents practicing or are they just culturally Jewish?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Or I'll say, does this shirt look okay? And what that means to my wife is, I don't feel very attractive today. I feel like I've put on 10 pounds. I feel bloated. I don't feel like I look good in this. And she just goes, shirt looks great. And I have learned to trust her that she's not going to send me out into the world. My social media person, her name is Lauren.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I was pushing back on a video she wanted to post. Like, I looked like this and she stopped me and she said, my job is to make you look good. Let me do my job. And I went, whew, okay. So when I don't believe it, I trust them. I outsource it. Kelly, all the time, I'm like, I didn't think I handled that call well. Kelly will say, no, you did that call, that call was great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
All right, I didn't feel it, but I trust her, okay? That's number one. Number two, you have to do the work in those areas where you know you have lack. Do you need to lose 30 pounds? Do you need to go to graduate school? Do you need to slow down and not quit your job yet even though it quote unquote doesn't feel fulfilling?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Okay. All right. So I guess what I would tell you is you know your parents better than anybody and you already walking in the door think you're going to break their heart. Are you pretty confident in that or is that just if you're talking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Do you need to put in six months or 10 months or a year of hard work at a job just doing everything they ask plus more and then deciding a year from now is grad school and Christian ministry the thing to go do right this second? Or, hey, honey, let's read a book. I've never been married. You've never been married. We just took on this big responsibility. We don't even know how to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And now we're just staring at each other 10 months in. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I do. There's some outsourcing and then there's some metrics. And then for you, brother, you've got a number. What's your number? What's your, oh, then I'll be okay number? In savings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Yeah, you don't want to go down that road. Here's the math problem I want you to solve. Six months of you get fired and your wife gets fired. Can you all maintain your house, your vehicles, food, and your utilities? You wouldn't go out to eat anymore. You'd probably have to cut your subscriptions, but could y'all make it for six months? Yeah. And I want you to write down that number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And then I want you, anything beyond that, I want you to put, begin to spend it. I want you to begin to save it. I want y'all to start working towards a house, working towards kids. You have a 529 plan. I want you to begin thinking about your kids' future 529 plans. I want you to say, we've got this number. Beyond that is my body trying to protect me from something else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'm going to go solve that something else because it's not about math. And here's what you have to do. You have to practice. Be uncomfortable. Some people, it sounds crazy, have to put, I will buy myself a thing in their budget because they struggle with scarcity. Others like me have to say, I won't buy all these things because I... try to soothe myself with purchases.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Some people have to put in there, I will be reckless with the way I tip today. That would be probably the place I would recommend you start is finding one person a day that you can bless financially once you've reached that six-month mark. And what you're doing is you're practicing a muscle of giving away. And you're going to do it $10 at a time, $30 at a time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You and your wife are going to go eat somewhere cheap. And you're going to spend $30 on your meal. And you're going to tip $50. So the whole meal is $80 out the door. And you're going to feel it. But you're going to wake up the next day and you're not going to be dead. It's going to be like that snake analogy. You're going to expose yourself to lack intentionally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'm going to give it away and bless somebody else. And what you're going to find is, oh, we're okay. We made it to the next month. We made it to the next month. Okay, we're doing this. All right. So you're practicing giving. You're practicing spending. And then I also want you to look at your clutter in your house. How much crap do y'all have? Clothes, collections, toys, this is that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
809 screwdrivers. Begin paring down some of your things. Give your body a chance to breathe. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm going to hook you up with that book. I want you and your wife to read it together and it can be your roadmap for your new marriage. Come up with that number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Six months of an emergency fund and then beyond that, begin practicing long-term investing, practicing saving for a thing, a house, a down payment of 20%, 10%, 5%. I don't care. Begin giving money away. You're not going to be able to think your way out of this. You're going to have to act your way out of this and outsource your way out of this. Call me anytime, my brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You're in for a long ride because I think you have some unwinding to do from when you were younger. But, man, I need you to hear me say this. You are on the right path. Thanks for your call. We'll be right back. Okay, I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I've been spending more time on screens than I like, and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off right starts with good sleep, period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set Every night, she loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Will she be heartbroken because she's going to lose... I'm like abandoning the way they raised me. Yeah, as an indictment on their values and character versus, no, no, no, no, I'm grateful for the foundation you gave me. here's the next evolution for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth Cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone. Let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody keep their own clothes. And let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, let's go out to Atlanta and talk to Chase.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Hey, Chase, what's going on, man? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? All right, brother, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
How old are you? 19. How long y'all been together? Two and a half years. Okay. So this is like a first young love. You could say that. Yeah, dude, I'm not knocking it. It's like the best thing in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
How old were those text messages?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Well, I don't have a problem with that. Yeah. I guess my bigger concern is why'd she save him? Right. Or did she save him in a secret phone and fold and just forget about it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Or is she going to be upset that she's going to have to go back to her brunch and tell the women that she has brunch with, you're not going to believe what my daughter did. And they're going to think badly about her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Yeah. I mean, you're 16 years old. Sophomores, right? Juniors? Yes, sir. Yeah. And texting doesn't mean I've got exclusivity. If you found messages from a couple months ago, from a year ago, if you found messages from her and her boyfriend or if the picture she had or her and him with no shirts on and it's all oogly-woogly, then yeah, I would sit down and have that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
But I guess I'm struggling with you. What do you need to heal and move on from? Like, what are you trying to heal from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
What are you insecure about? You've been together for two and a half years. Yeah. One of two things. Either you've sent some messages to people over the last two and a half years, or you're worried that she has.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
either you've been kind of flirty and wondered about the long-term viability of this relationship and you've wondered what it'd be like to be with somebody else and you assume that she's wondering that too, or she turns her phone over every time you walk in the room. Or she has a code on her phone and won't let you look in there. Where's this insecurity coming from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Where does that stem from, man? That's super, super unhealthy. You're going to blow through every relationship you have. Because if you're dating somebody that you find beautiful and attractive and radiant and you want to be around them, other people are going to want to also. And that's not an indictment of your relationship. I want other people to think my wife's pretty. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
So could it be that one of the values they gave you growing up was one of intellectual curiosity or always asking hard questions or not being scared of hard questions. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You know what I mean? I want other people to think my wife is brilliant and smart and fun to be around. I want that. Where does that insecurity come from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Okay. But here's what I want you to do. That's when you were 16 and 15 years old. I don't want you to blame her for how you're acting as a 19 and a half year old. I want you to take ownership. If you get consumed. with jealousy, with rage, just because somebody in your wife's, I mean, your girlfriend's class says she's pretty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
A, your girlfriend's telling you that because she wants to get a rise out of you. B, it works every time. It gets you all stirred up. Yeah. But I want you to dig into that because that's going to be a cancer in your life. And it's going to lead you to do things that otherwise you wouldn't do. It's going to lead you to become a person you don't want to become.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
A guy who thinks he's got territory, right? That treats his significant other as a possession. Not in the romantic way, but in the ownership way. You're going to be the guy that doesn't tell one of your coworkers about an opportunity because you don't want them to have it. And so the challenge for you is when you feel this, it's to put your fist in your chest and take a huge deep breath.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And recognize it. Oh man, my body's trying to protect me from feeling less than. I'm gonna go for a walk real quick. And when you're going for a walk, instead of going through every scenario, I knew she's banging other dudes. Dude, I knew it. I knew she's calling. Instead of doing that, you can get yourself all worked up and fired up and your body won't know the difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Or you can exhale and say, I love that girl. And she loves this guy. And we're on the same team. If another guy thinks she's beautiful, good on him. He knows what's up. And I want you to practice that. But jealousy doesn't just show up here. It shows up in your finances. It shows up when your buddies get new jobs. It shows up in college. It shows up in other places.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
It's going to be a cancer in your life. And what's going to do, it's going to lead you to go through your girlfriend's phone, man, and dig into old secret folders that she might not even remember. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? What did she say when she found out you went through her phone?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
How was their marriage growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
So unless I'm missing something, it feels really benign to me. And here's the thing. My opinion doesn't matter. If you found yourself to where like, I'm not going to be able to get past this. You told me when we started, when I first time I texted you, which by the way, that's a whole other conversation. That you are not texting anybody else and I was the only texter for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And two and a half years ago, when you were 16, you fudged the truth and you were still texting other guys at the very beginning. If you can't move past that, that's your life. It's your world. You get to do that. But you can't drag her two and a half years later through your relationship issues. You got to let her go. Yeah. If you can. There's a reason we don't let 16-year-olds buy beer or guns.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you're with us. I hope your new year is off to a great start. And whatever grand ideas you had this year, I hope you are still working through the systems you set in place, whether it's I'm going to meet every Sunday night with a friend or with a partner, with my spouse, and we're going to
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
They're 16. They're dumb. They do dumb stuff. I guarantee you did dumb stuff when you were 16. I for sure did. Right? Yeah. So if what you found of your early teenage girlfriend's phone are pictures of her with an old boyfriend on some secret folder,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Okay. Yeah, they're a good East Coast family, right? There's some yelling. It's just, you know, I used to think all yelling was bad until I, yeah. There's some good East Coast families that love, love, love each other. They just talk louder. That's all. They just communicate with more vigor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
you found old text messages that she'd screenshot if that invalidates the last couple of years of y'all dating and getting to know each other as y'all got older so be it cool let her go if you say I don't know why I'm getting so mad dude I think I actually care about this woman and I love her and I see a future together oh my gosh, man, this is scaring me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Did I even have this kind of love and attraction and feeling inside my own chest? That's wild. Didn't deal with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Okay, I want you to become marriable. If you have found the person that you want to marry, the work that lies ahead of you is not to go through and screen her past, dig through her private things as a way to duct tape over your insecurities. Your job is to face your insecurities head on. Do I have a career plan for myself? Am I working towards a purpose that's bigger than me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
What kind of dad did my dad model for me? And is that the kind of dad I want to model for my kids? What kind of marriage did my parents have? And did they model that? Is that what I want to model my marriage after? And if not, get to work. Go see a counselor. Go get a gym membership. Go to college. Go get an apprenticeship. Start making a budget. Work three jobs because you're 19 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Are you in school right now? Yeah, I am. What are you studying? Sports management. You don't sound very convinced about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Do you not want to do sports management? You want to do physical therapy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I had a physical therapist with a PhD in my house this weekend working on my shoulder and my arm. I screwed my arm up. Yeah. She's magic. Magic. Changed my life. Makes me a better dad because I'm not in pain all the time. Quit being sports management. And go full into PT if that's what you want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And work really hard so you don't get out like some of my friends in PT and they owe $190,000 and they're going to make $65,000 right out of school. And start working part-time in a physical therapist's office. Helping people like me with their rehab. You see what I'm saying? Like, go and do the thing that you want to do. Instead of having to, like, kind of duck your head and kind of laugh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Like, I'm managing this, but I kind of want to do this. You see what I'm saying? And here's all this. I'm pointing to you. Stand up on your two feet tall. Don't get jealous about petty things. Put your flag in the ground on the things that matter. Start reaching towards a future purpose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
By the way, if you want to become a physical therapist because you're going to get rich, you're going to have a miserable life. If you want to be a physical therapist because you want to help people become better dads and wives and mothers and sisters and brothers and daughters, help people move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Gotcha. So if, here's how I would delineate here. Let's say you were Baptist and you're converting to Catholic, okay? They would be, and your parents were deeply, deep practicing Southern Baptist. They would be concerned for their social standing. They would be concerned about values, yada, yada. But deeply, they would be concerned about your soul's placement in hell for eternity, right? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
By the way, if you get into geriatric PT right now, the next 15 to 25 years, you're going to have a billion dollars because of our aging population. If you want to get in there and help people, I'm telling you right now, your head's going to start to lift up. Yeah. And you're going to let your 16-year-old girlfriend off the hook for something she did three years ago, two and a half years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
But do you get what I'm saying when I say become a marriable man? Not a man worthy of being loved. You're already that. But become somebody that you can feel confident looking at somebody else and saying, you can anchor into me. Because that's where that insecurity originates from. You don't believe that. Is that fair? Yeah, absolutely. I think you're on the path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I think if I'm you, here's your next steps. Number one, I would apologize to your girlfriend tonight for going through her phone. I would say, hey, I should not have picked up your phone and dug into your old folders. That was my insecurity and I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I am scared at how much I love you and I'm scared at, oh my gosh, the road that is my future is starting to open up before me and I am picturing you with me and it scares me because I don't know what that looks like. And I got into sports management because it sounded cool and my dad told me about Jerry McGuire, but I want to be a physical therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I want to go all in on that and I got to get my grades up here and I got to start studying here and I'm going to have to work nights over here. but I'm going to go all in on this and I'm going to want to, I want to become the man that provides a life for whatever world you want to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And now you're starting to throw your shoulders back, stand up taller and you're not looking for, I want to feel good by whatever's in your phone and you do what I say and you text who, no, I'm going to begin to find confidence and strength and esteem through you. repeatedly doing the next right thing. Becoming a marriable man. Becoming a hireable man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Becoming a man that when somebody like me comes in after a knee surgery and says, hey, can you help me? You look at me in the eye and you go, I got you. We're going to have you dunk in a basketball soon. By the way, I can't dunk a basketball. That's how we deal with the insecurity. Inside out. So I'd start with an apology, brother, and go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
If this is the one for you, you're going to have tons and tons of stumbles and roadblocks and hurdles and falling down. That's going to be the path. Be a confident, strong, courageous man that you can be anchored into so that when those storms hit, you're not whipping around, going through people's phones, for God's sakes. Thanks for the call, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I can't wait to see what happens next for you. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the entire next month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Being well and being healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot, and you're probably not either. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setbacks. And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
This is why I love Organifi, because their whole food blends contain only the best. They're plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, and soy-free ingredients. And Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Their green juice is great in the morning. It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. And Organifi Red Juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20%. off alright we're back Kelly can you imagine this can you imagine being 16 or 17 and having all of your like flirty romantic back and forth written down on some server somewhere no and thank God that I was raised in an era where that's not the case
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I know there are letters I've written that haunt me that are going to come back one day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And so that would be one conversation that's going to be very different. I feel like you have a different conversation happening here. Because this is less existential in terms of if you don't do these things, here's what happens to you in the end. And more, it's a reflection of... hey, mom and dad, this is not an indictment of how I wish you hadn't raised me this way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I... I don't know much. But I know that I'm glad that that part of my life is not recorded.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I mean, I wasn't that kind of person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I spent so much of my time serving the poor and in like church Bible studies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Hey, you can get this show one week early on the Ramsey app. You can download it in the show notes. Nah, I'm just glad. Listen to you younger folks. Just don't. Just don't write it all down. Just don't write it all down. There's going to come a moment when AI pushes a button and it makes every text ever sent public. Sortable by name. That day's going to come. Whoa.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
In the meantime, go to the Ramsey Network app. You can download this show and click subscribe on YouTube and leave me a five-star review that says, this is wonderful. Love you guys. Bye. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
In fact, this is an extension and a furthering and evolution of how you raised me. Because y'all had a great marriage and y'all showed me what connection and being one looks like. Me and my husband have practiced that and we found a connection and commonality in this faith journey. And you guys taught me to ask hard questions and to chase my nose and to sit and wrestle with hard things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
This is where I've landed. And so I think it can be a way that you sit down and say, because of how you raised me, here's where I am. So it's a furthering and it's a, gosh, not just, this is a terrible analogy, but it's a blooming of the seed they planted in you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'm guessing here. I also know cultural values are cultural values. And the Jewish community, a community that has spent its entire heritage surviving together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Right. There is a sense of abandonment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And so I get that. And so I think the meta here is you can't control how your mom and dad react.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I think trying to PR this, trying to public relation this or try to message this is going to make it look like you've got something to hide or you're not telling the full truth. Right. I think coming in and saying, I'm truly, truly grateful for how you raised me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And here are some of the great attributes. And here is where I've landed with my husband and with our kids. And here's the direction our family's taking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And I hope you will remain with us. I want you to know that we honor you guys. We love you. And we want to be a part of your lives. I'm assuming all that's true. And this is a furthering and extension of that. And it's not like y'all are going to have to split up on Sunday mornings. Or, you know, one's going to synagogue and you're going to church now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Y'all just might get up and go to church on Sundays instead of having breakfast. Right. So I think in practice that y'all have to navigate that. But ultimately, I think the meta here is this. You cannot control somebody else's response. trying to come up with some clever way or like, I'm just going to, you know, I want to dance around it. That's never helpful. I'm going to tell you the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I'm going to tell you it in a way that treats you with dignity and respect. And if there's a way I can, if I can put you on the pedestal that you deserve, I'm going to do that. And if there's a way I can honor you and giving you hard news, I'm going to do that. But I always go back to the way I was trained with the great Dr. Andy Young. Calm is contagious and facts are your friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Go over our budget for the week and go over our calendar for the week, and we're going to meal prep together. Or you're just taking a few minutes each morning to get out and get some early morning sunlight, like Brother Huberman tells us. Or I'm going to journal. I'm going to write. I'm going to use my red lights. I'm going to eat. Whatever things you're doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Calm is contagious. Facts are your friends. If you come into this conversation and you're all shaky and nervous and your eyes are darting around, then your mom and dad will feel something's not right here. Does she not think that we love her? Does she not really want to be doing this? And her husband's making her, they're going to create a story. But if you come in at peace with this transition,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
This is the right thing for me and my family. This is happening. I hope you'll join us. Then that feels inviting. It's an invitation. It's calm. And facts are your friends. I'm not going to beat around the bush. I'm not going to tell you this big, long story. You raised me this way and I'm so, so grateful. And here's where I am now. And here's what's happening next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And so also don't say things like,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
When you start adding those little slivers, they sound like cracks for people to intellectually slide into or spiritually or emotionally slide into and create division. If you're here, I want you to be very clear about what you're saying. I will be getting baptized next month. My children will be getting baptized in February. This may be as a strange request, but I hope you can attend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
It takes all the wishy-washy out of it. Calm is contagious. Facts are your friends. Here is the truth. And at the very end, the truth remains. We love you. We honor you. And we think y'all are great grandparents. Hey, everybody, listen to this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
My friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe that every single member of my family sleeps on, they are in their final hours of their New Year sale right now. Now, listen, I get it. You're trying to hang on to those resolutions and new habits and systems for this new year, but you still aren't getting the good sleep that you desperately need to build a great life on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I've struggled with getting good sleep my entire life and sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. And now that I've created a great sleep routine and I've got my Helix mattress, I'm consistently getting deep, refreshing sleep. Now listen, this is important. Everyone has their own unique sleep positions. Everyone's body is different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
So Helix has created different mattress models designed for everyone, for side sleepers, stomach sleepers, back sleepers, all of you. And if your spine needs some extra support and comfort, they have mattresses just for you too. Helix offers a hundred night trial and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Here's what I want you to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. I did it too. And you'll find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference in like two minutes or less. Here's the kicker. The Helix New Year sale is in its final hours. Get 20% off site-wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today. Go right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
I hope they're making your life more whole and more full. I hope you're sticking with it. If you want to be on this show, the show's about real people going through real challenges. And we talk through real hard stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of the year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful. And overall, people are thinking about building a better life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Let's start this year with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions, and find peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the show The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
That's hallow.com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Daniel. Hey, Daniel, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And my promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move, whether it's your emotional health, your mental health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Where does that come from? Where does that story originate? I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
So tell me about your close dude friendships. Ooh, um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
And if you'll take 13 seconds and hit the subscribe button on the YouTubes or you'll go over and leave a five-star review wherever you listen to podcasts. That would be amazing. All right, let's go out to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Rebecca. Hey, Rebecca, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Jewish Parents I’m Converting?
Tell me about three or four men in your life right now that you hang out with on a regular basis. Oh, boy. All right, tell me about your job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Sometimes it's as easy as, Michael, you commit, I will keep taking my meds from here on out. I will never miss. And I'm going to start seeing a counselor every week. And I will never walk by the sink and leave a dish in it ever. I will always do that. I will always walk into the house. In the first five minutes I walk into the house, I'm going to look for one thing to clean, to help out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And I'm going to get a little bit more invested in the home or a lot more invested in the home. And I'm going to stand six inches taller because I got a purpose here at the house. My house doesn't feel like a failure factory.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And then all of a sudden, Tess is walking around and doesn't have all this weight on the squat rack, which is the mental load of the house and the actual activities of the house and the dinner. You get what I'm saying? These things all get tied up together. And then Tess, at some point, you're gonna have to write a letter to your dad and say, no more. Do you get a vote into my life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And don't send that letter, obviously, but it may be a letter you read out to Michael and say, dear dad, it ends today. And here's what happened to me as a little girl. Here's the things I remember. Here's the things I saw. Here's the things I heard. And that has made it very difficult for me to have adult relationships. And so I'm done. You no longer get a seat at my table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
You no longer get a voice in my head. I wish you the best. It's me and Michael versus the world now. And then from that point forward, after that moment, after that letter, after you read it, then you make a choice that when your dad's head, when his voice pops into your head, you stop and say, nope. or you stop and say, you don't get a vote anymore. You stop that thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And over time you begin to change your default setting. You get what I'm saying, Tess?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And that's a heavy, scary, frustrating move. And Michael, Michael, I want you to, from this point forward, this is day one. The next time you tell your wife, I'm not sure I want to be married to you anymore. I want you to be prepared to move out because that is a form of manipulation that is just, you can't do that. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
If you want to leave her, have the courage to go see a marriage counselor together and you all two go sit down and you look her in the eye and say, I'm leaving. But if you use that as a move or as a way to kind of control a room or a conversation, or if it's something you say when you're feeling depressed or you're feeling low, you got to work on that, man, because it's destabilizing in your home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
The next call for both of you today is that y'all both need to call a marriage counselor and commit to getting in there before this week is over. We're recording this episode on a Monday. My hope is you are seeing somebody by Friday of this week. Cancel what you have to cancel, take some time off of work, find some childcare, and let's go sit down and start rebuilding this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Thanks for the call, Tess and Michael. I love you guys. Call anytime if I can help. All right, we come back. We're going to talk to a man who is at odds with his wife over a major life decision. Hang with us. Okay, let's talk about Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Y'all have all heard me say I love sleeping in a cold, cold room, and my wife would prefer to sleep under one of those hot dog heat lamps at a local gas station. This is one of the many reasons why we both love our Cozy Earth sheets. The sheets help each of us sleep at the perfect temperature, and they're soft and breathable, and they keep us comfortable all night long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And because I want all of you to have a great night of sleep also, you should know that not all sheets are created equal. Like everything else, there's a range of quality, from terrible sheets that feel like sleeping on an old paper towel to amazing sheets that make getting into bed something to look forward to. Cozy Earth crafts their sheets out of viscose from bamboo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
These are special fabrics and fibers, and they are amazing at regulating temperature and wicking away moisture while you sleep. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. Y'all, they're incredible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Plus, Cozy Earth goes to great lengths to verify that their materials are responsibly sourced so you can feel good about how you sleep and about how your sheets are made. Remember, Cozy Earth's spring into comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. 40% off everything. Yes, 40% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Hey, good folks, listen. A strong body supports a healthy mind, and too often we overlook how connected the two really are. They are one. Neglecting our bodies, like not moving, not lifting weights, and not getting more flexible can lead to increased mental and emotional stress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I often tell folks I've never felt emotionally worse after a good workout, only better. And this is where TrainWell comes in. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
To get started, answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals, and you're going to make a personalized plan together, and then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete your workouts, your trainer will keep changing up the workouts just a little bit here and there to help you get even better over time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
My wife and I are using it, some of our friends are using it, and even our extended family is getting in on it. We've all been doing these workouts with TrainWell because TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes working out simple. It's not easy, but it's simple. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And they have a special offer for my audience, just $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney right now. T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net, slash Deloney. Go check them out. All right, hit that subscribe button for me. Hit the subscribe button, please, please, please. That's me being, like, begging.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I don't want to be desperate, but I kind of am. Kelly, would you describe me as desperate? You took way too long to answer that question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
For five-star reviews, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
YouTube subscriptions, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I'll do a lot. There's not a lot I won't do for Klondike Bar. I remember a great guy. He was awesome back in high school. His name was Matt Carriage. And we used to talk about like, what would you do for a million dollars? I used to always just ruin the conversation because it was like, Bro, you put a million dollars. There is just... Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Las Vegas. Let's talk to Mike. What's up, Mike? Hi, how's it going? Hey, what would you... Is there... Like, give me... Well, let's don't do that. I was just going to ask you what you would or wouldn't do for a million dollars, but you're from Vegas, so I'm just... Let's just call it. What's up, brother? Yeah. Um...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Okay. So you live in a very expensive part of the country, and I'm assuming—well, I don't want to make an assumption. Tell me how you do financially.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Gotcha. Have you ever said that in that way to Michael, what you just said to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Okay. Which, after you factor out everything with the cost of inflation, that's a good salary, but you're not living high on the hog with three kids and a small house in Las Vegas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah. So a couple of things here, because here's what I'm hearing. I hear two things. One, you're asking for what's a way that, like, what are some ways you can communicate better to your wife, right? As of right now, I'm finished with adding to this family. I want to be happy and whole with the family we got. We got three healthy kids. Let's be happy about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And it sounds like you've tried in your way to have that conversation and it just doesn't seem to be clicking through. The second thing I'm hearing is every time you get an ad for a house, every time you get like, hey, let's do this with kids. Hey, look at what we're not doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
There's some measure of, I don't know, any husband that doesn't want to give his wife the house she wants or the dreams, right? And it feels like for you, every time you exhale, the finish line for satisfied wife is moving on you. Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's a way that without meaning to, your wife can be telling you on a day-to-day basis, you're not enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Good. All right, so Michael, you hear that. What do you think is going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, but it doesn't, but sit in it for a second. Cause you're going to rationalize those feelings away without acknowledging them. So it's one of those important things. It's hard. Whenever I say the word vulnerability, every lineman out in Las Vegas rolls their eyes and goes back to work in the 110 degree heat, right? But that's what this is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's you telling your wife, hey, every time you send me a house that would double our house income, I want to buy you that house. And we chose to have three kids right in a row. And we chose that you were going to stay home. And I'm working my butt off out here in this heat. And I'm doing all this work. But I don't make that kind of money. And it just makes me feel like I'm not enough for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
That's what vulnerability means. And that's a hard conversation. Because my guess is she would say, oh, my gosh, no. No, no, no, no, no. That's not what I was saying. But that's how you bring it together. Instead of, I wish you'd quit sending me these texts. Now you're in a fight. One is, hey, man, I feel like you're not happy with this amazing family that we've created together. That's part one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, so, I mean, she's definitely right about, you know, kind of the disconnect romantically. And she's, you know, she's correct. I have struggled mental health-wise for most of my life. And I can understand, like, we've talked about it. It's definitely, you know, really has to be frustrating because I do, you know, get into, you know, kind of gullies where...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Tell me what that sounds like when you hear it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So here's what you're doing. You're choosing peace over square footage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I'm the same way. Right. And so, but I think it's about sitting down and saying, Hey, us as a couple, our marriage has completely changed. We have a different marriage. Now we have three kids. We added, um, we added a hundred percent plus to this house. Right. Yeah. And so let's have a conversation about what our values are. I want, I value peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And that means living in a smaller house that's a little more chaotic, that's a little more crazy, but that I don't have to lose sleep every minute of every night that I'm not going to be able to make this mortgage or if this company downsizes or if, or if, or if, who knows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Right? And she may say, no, no, no, I want to solve for seven foster kids. Well, y'all need to have that conversation, right? Here's the second big thing that I feel is kind of floating over this whole conversation. Often in... Families where somebody really wants to foster, really wants to adopt, and you're able to have your own biological kids like y'all have been able to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
There tends to be one of those conversations that's pictures and words. You're both using the same words, but you're actually saying different things. You're meaning different things. My guess is adoption and fostering is an internal meaning-making purpose for her. One of these things she was put on the planet to do is to care for those that nobody will care for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
But even then, there's this sense of, I got adopted by this amazing stepdad, and I'm just assuming he's amazing, but raised her. She met you, a good guy, a great man, a guy who takes care of the family, allows her to stay at home financially because you make enough money for that to happen. You work your butt off. You come home sweaty and hot and whatever. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
There's that sense of internal guilt she may have. I owe this to the universe. Since somebody did this for me, I have to go do this to make the universe right. And in your mind, it's a spreadsheet issue. We have this many kids and this many rooms and this much money. And do you see how real quick you talk past each other? Yeah. Yeah, I can see that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And so it's really digging into not about, can we have another kid or not have another kid? That's the proxy. The real conversation is taking her out for breakfast and saying, hey, the idea of adoption, the idea of fostering, tell me what that feels like in your chest. Like when you think of fostering, when you think of I have to do this or I need to do this, tell me about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Because it might be something that you say in 10 years, or five years, when every kid can go to the bathroom and wipe themselves, we may be in a place where we can re-engage this conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Well, don't sit her down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I'm messing with you. But do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, I get what you're saying. And at the same time, you being vulnerable and saying, hey, every time you send me one of these things, I look at our three beautiful kids and think, oh, man, these aren't enough for you. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
you know, the marriage and the relationship, you know, starts to come into doubt. But I tend to, you know, once we've had a, you know, a resolution, whether or not we had a big fight or not, but we, you know, tend to, you know, solve things and, you know, move on. And I tend to get you know, the next day they're pretty normal again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Because it may be a chaotic life that she lives all day every day, and this is going to sound awful the way I'm connecting these, but it may just be pornography. It's distraction. Yeah. it's somebody looking at a different kind of life because their life they have is so overwhelming. It's a way to numb out. And this would add some excitement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
This, this, like it's when people have three kids under the age of five and they get a dog. Like, what are you doing? It's like, well, we're just trying to add more because we're looking for aliveness because it's hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, let's don't do that. So what I'm hearing is y'all going in and basically doing the deck clearing exercise, which is like proverbially, like pretend, take your arm and swipe it over a dining, like a table at a local diner there in Vegas. And just say, okay, we have three little kids under this age. None of them can get in and out of the shower by themselves, or maybe one, and just barely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, one of them. Like, whew, we've created a chaotic world, and you and me, we have to come first. And I'm slowly finding myself wanting to be at work a little bit longer. You're finding yourself kind of feeling dead in your own skin. Let's back all the way out of this thing and start asking the big, raw questions again, like we did when we were getting married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
What must be true for you and me to feel alive in this house? What must be true for us to be so happy when we're at home? Because another dog is not going to do that. A foster kid is not going to do that. Not at this stage. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Well, that's where you get, you have to get really tactical. I'm asking you, honey, to stop sending me these things. Or if you send them, I'm just going to delete them because I choose to feel less than when I see it. And I'm going to, I'm going to opt out of that for a while. Okay. So be more, more direct.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's as the great Dr. Kennedy says, a boundary requires nothing of another person. It's simply you saying, I don't want to see these anymore. I can't right now in this season because all of my energy is focused on loving you well, loving these kids well, and providing for this family. And so every time I see these, I get all out of sorts. I want to take every kid home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I want to move them into a house we don't even own yet that we couldn't even afford. I have to opt out of that so I can completely focus on you guys. And so I'm asking you to not send me any, but I'm telling you I'm not going to look at any more of these. I'm just going to delete them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
If after our conversation, if it does continue, then... But I mean, I think it's being clear about... You can ask, would you please stop sending these to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Um, and then when it comes time, you know, when the kids are finally asleep, um, we've got some time, you know, it definitely is one sided. Um, and that kind of extends, you know, more than just, um, you know, physically, but sometimes it feels like there's just also that mental disconnect that, you know, my back and forth and kind of my struggles have kind of bled into the relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Okay. Yeah, I haven't. It's come back. So the next question is asking, hey, this is just me being curious, not judgmental. Judgmental would be, I told you to quit sinning. We're not going to do that. Curious is, hey, I've been real clear. These make me feel uncomfortable. They make me feel less than. I just want to focus on who we got, and you keep sinning them. What am I missing here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
What do you mean transference? That's an old Freud term. What do you mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, and that's, again, it's not about the house. It's not about the dog. It's not about the kid. It's about somebody in their own language crying out, I'm not happy in the life I've co-created. And it's the same conversation I would have with another guy about adding a car or another gun or another guitar. That's me talking to myself here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Like adding another trip or another, like it's always this idea that the piece is on the acquisition of another thing. Yeah. Okay. If this was just the kid, if it was just about adoption, that's a different path, okay? I get not feeling whole until you have this picture of your family complete in your mind. I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
This is just playing whack-a-mole with I need another thing because I don't feel complete in my own skin. And that's where I want you guys to spend your energy. And often by accusing her, you don't feel that's not helpful because she's probably been feeling this way for a long time. It's about you saying, hey, I want to love you better. And here's what I'm feeling from you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I'm feeling like you're not happy with the house that we've created. And that every time we exhale and we have this amazing new kid who's healthy and we get another amazing new kid who's healthy and I get a little bit of a raise and we get another little kid. The finish line always moves, which tells me you're hurting inside. Tell me about it. And let's start there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Um, and give her an opportunity to talk about this obsession with needing to add, needing to add, needing to add, needing to add. Um, Start there my brother and holler back at me and i'm happy to talk to you anytime Or her if y'all both want to call me back and we talked both together Um, but let me tell you this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
She's lucky to have you You sound like a guy who loves her deeply and who loves other people deeply and who's got a heart for Kids who need to be adopted and fostered and yet you've got these three amazing kids of your own that you're trying to figure Out what day it is because there's so much chaos in your house. I love it. I love it. I love it um
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I think it's about honoring the fact that your marriage is totally different now, brother. And we get to reimagine it today for the first time. Today's day one. Go make it happen, brother. Appreciate you. All right, coming up next, we will hear from a woman who is concerned about her kids playing with the neighbor kids. We'll be right back. All right, listen, I understand the struggle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
You're juggling work, parenting, trying to eat right, and a million other things all at the same time. You're tired and you're wired and you're exhausted and you're just trying to hold it all together. There are small daily choices that we can all make.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
to feel a little more clear-headed and a little less anxious in all this chaos so that we can show up and be steady and whole for the people we love. For me, that includes using Organifi juices and gummies. Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are really easy to fit into your daily routine, even when you're on the go. You just mix them with water and you're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice. It's a great way to start in the morning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I don't know if they've bled into it. It's the blood coursing through the veins of this relationship, right? And in combination with hers. So Tess, tell me, I guess if you could distill it down for this kind of format, right? I'd love to talk to you guys for a couple hours. This is fascinating. How can I help you? What are you looking for?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And I love Organifi's red juice, a good way to start in the morning for caffeine-free energy and a good pick-me-up in the afternoon. And of course, I love their SheLegit, Creatine, and Happy Drops gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients. Good folks, Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 20% off. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Flint, Michigan. Let's talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I'm doing great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Sounds like somebody's got a case of the... All right, so what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I appreciate it. I hope I can shed some light on it. So what was the inappropriate comment? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
How old are these kids? He's seven.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Did you tell his parents?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Tell me about, tell me about bullying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah. So I, I mean, I think it's as simple as saying I, as your mom, my one job is to keep you safe. And it's about sitting down. And this is one of those eye level conversations because it takes the hierarchy away from a kid parent dynamic. And it just said, it signals to a kid's nervous system. I'm with you here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Whenever I have a hard conversation, my daughter's a little bitty. Whenever I have a conversation with her, I always get eye level with her. My son is now taller than me. So I have to get on a stool when I have hard conversations. But with my daughter, it's a very eye level. And in this case, I would point to her head and I would point to her, Chest. I'd say it's my job to keep you safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
In your mind and in your heart. And at her age, I would say I am no longer going to allow you to be with somebody that's going to ask you to show you your private parts. I'm not going to allow you to be around somebody who calls you names and is ugly to you. Hold on. This is kind of like a teaching thing for everybody listening. Here's where this is important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
You are taking responsibility from that kid, from your daughter. What we don't want your daughter to walk away from this exchange feeling is like she did something wrong. Okay? And so you're saying, I'm stepping in and I am doing this. Not, well, you told me he did this, so you can't play there anymore. This is you saying, no, no, I'm not letting this happen to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And there's a big difference there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
my six-year-old son that he can't play with now because they're all like intermingled together that's the hard part yeah I mean the whole thing's gonna be tough to be honest it's just all gonna be tough there's not an easy way out oh no for someone who's six it's gonna be and by the way this is gonna be a huge pain in the butt for you okay yeah it'll be as simple and as hard, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's kind of like, how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise, like it's simple, but it's impossible, right? So this will be similar to, you'll have to stay in our yard and we're not having anybody over today. But I want to play with some, like, nope, no one's coming over. Or we're going to the park, just us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
But it's simply a saying is, hey, like Timmy and Susie. Well, no, not even have to go. It's you tell those kids because they clearly aren't getting any boundaries at home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
They get no boundaries, no boundaries, and a parent yells at them. Right. And so what you are going to have to do is impose those boundaries on those kids. So they come just ding-donging on the door at 6.30 in the morning on Saturday. You say, Timmy and Susie are not going to be playing with you guys today. Hope you'll have a great day. Why not? We want to play.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
What's going on? What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you're with us to talk about your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. It's real people going through real challenges. We don't make up anything on this show. This is all real live stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, they're not going to be able to play with you today. Thank you so much. Have a great day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And it's not your seven-year-old's or your eight-year-old's job. Now, here's like a fine line here because I want to make sure I'm not talking out of both sides of my mouth. If there is a next-door neighbor who's seven and your daughter's eight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And there's teasing, there's poking at each other. There's some, I don't say making fun of each other, but a little bit of making fun of each other. There is some, I'm not just going to run in and rescue a kid from that. Right. I might ask my daughter at home, well, how does it make you feel when he says that? It makes me feel yucky. What do you do when you feel yucky? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So I'm going to walk them through and I'm not going to steal this moment from them, but I'm going to empower them. The moment a kid starts mocking my child's appearance, being you're fat, you have to wear glasses, you're too skinny, you're too flat chested. The moment a kid comes over and starts swearing or flipping my kid off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And then the mother load, the moment a kid tries to engage in my kid sexually. Out. I'm out. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Bye. And, and the, and here's the thing, the parent, the fact that the parents response tells me everything I need to know, which is they're embarrassed. They're ashamed. They're going to yell and they're going to move on like they do with everything else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yes. It's not for kids to be, it's not off for kids to be curious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
That's right. So do I. Yes. So do I. So that's life. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Right. That's exactly right. And so it goes back to that. I'm going to keep you safe here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And they're also, I'm going to try to say this in a not dorky way, but when I'm coming to bullying, I look for power hierarchies and kids who are trapped, right? So if a neighborhood kid says something mean to my kid in the same neighborhood, they're not trapped. My kid can leave, right? My kid can walk away. That kid, I can call their parents and they can make their kid go inside.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
In a schoolyard, a child is trapped. They can't leave. And so they're constantly under this sense of threat. I'm gonna hit you after school. You're disgusting. You're gross. I'm telling everybody jokes at your expense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And so there's this an emotional cloud that hangs over that exchange and you can't escape it because you have to go to school and you have to sit in your chair that that teacher said you have to sit in. Or you're on that little league team and everyone makes fun of you. Everyone calls you fat. Everyone makes fun of your freckles. They won't stop. It's pervasive, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And so, yes, if your kid can escape, if your kid has an out, then awesome. Let's use those outs. But let's use these as teaching moments to say, it doesn't feel good, does it? No. And then you can choose to not play. You can stay over here. We're going to do this kind of stuff over here. Or we're all going to the park.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And by the way, that's going to mean you're not just sitting out in a lawn chair and watching your kids run around the neighborhood, which is how it's supposed to be, by the way. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
That means you have to load them up all in the van and you'll have to go play at a park for a couple days a week this summer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And that's annoying, but it's just going to be a shift. When it comes to curiosity, when it comes to sexuality and kids, man, I just watch that really carefully because seven-year-olds can be insane predators too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And it's just a fine line. And if that seven-year-old had that switch flipped by an older parent, by an older sibling, by an aunt or uncle, by a younger sibling, then man, it just becomes this. That's what they see in the world. And it can be just a fifth grader wanting to see a sixth grader's bottom, right? It could be that too. You're just not going to do it on my kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So let's reverse it. Let's pretend you had a little boy and he went and did that to the neighborhood girl. I probably would not include the girl in the conversation, but I would definitely include that girl's parent and you and your son. And we would say this is very inappropriate. We do not ask other kids to see their private parts. And we would probably read the book together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Some parts are not for touching. I don't remember the exact name of it. We'll link to it in the show notes here. But I would have that direct conversation. That didn't happen in this case.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, but when our kids hurt something, like I went across the street when my dog went sprinting across and terrified a woman in her chilled tie the other day. I went and knocked on the door. Said, man, I'm so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So, man, there's a couple of big things here. Let me just start with the biggest rock first, and then we'll kind of walk down some other avenues. You said that you freeze and lock up. Those two words are often used for somebody who's some sort of survivor of past trauma, past abuse, somebody who's not safe. Tell me what you mean when you say that you lock up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And so that's kind of, that's also part of being an adult.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And so you, absent information, it's not your job to go searching for it. Hey, what did you say to your son? And is my daughter safe? That's their job is to come knock on your door and say, dude, I just need to follow up. I'm so sorry. Here's what we're doing. Here's what happened. Here's the steps we're taking for that to not happen again. If it does happen again...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
like you so absent that information you've got to go with information you have and that is there's a kid over there that constantly telling my daughter she's not enough she's ugly she's not successful something's wrong with her physical features oh and by the way take her pants off i'm out yeah that was our thought is okay we gotta figure this one out and definitely probably gonna cut you know not spend time over there anymore
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Thank you. And again, let me say this one more time. And this is more for the audience than it is for you because I'm confident you got this. When this first conversation happens, I want you to make sure you use the words, my number one job is to keep you safe. And so I am pulling the plug on this, not you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And basically what you're telling this eight-year-old is, I'm taking away your autonomy here. I'm stepping in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
but I want to play. It's not fair. Oh my God. You know, yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I have one job and that's to keep you safe. And her nervous system will thank you. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's just, it's, it's, it's, it's a hard thing to know what to say, right? But it's too big of a decision for an eight year old little girl to make.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And this is a good... If you haven't already, this is a great opportunity to teach her about bathing suit parts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
That's awesome. And good for you, mom, because so many parents ignore that conversation. It's so good. And it might be good to follow up and say, how did it make you feel when he asked you that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And let her align her feelings with being scared and being uncomfortable. And then you have a great teaching moment to say like, hey, following your gut was the right thing. I'm so proud of you. And then when this happens again, when she's 18, you might take her out and say, I'm going to tell you about a time I didn't follow my gut.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And she's not ready for that conversation yet, but you're beginning to teach her those things that you may or may not have got when you were a little girl, which is, this is how systems change. This is how family trees change right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
it's getting home so fast I just looked up and my I only got a few years left with my little one and he's not so little anymore and I just can't even think about her I'll start crying so can I just applaud you for wanting to do the next right thing with your kids and also for not being over helicopter-y and like all of it you're doing such great work and I'm grateful that you reached out and that I got to sit with you during this one this conversation is going to help a whole bunch of parents especially entering into the summer I'm really grateful for you
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Blessings to you guys. Go get them and call me anytime. I can help, man. And maybe I'm going to reach out to some of you because I've got my own kids and sometimes I don't know what to do. All right. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental health resources, physical health resources, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to the fear of judgment. I personally understand this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I felt that same sense of judgment before I finally got the courage to ask for help. And listen, when people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, their workplaces, and their entire communities. The world is better when we are all healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for you for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole.
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I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist.
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I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So to get started, just fill out a short online survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time and it's really easy to do it and it costs no extra money. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
When he starts to put the moves on you, your body goes... Because that's a trauma response. That is a body saying, quick, turn all the lights off, power down, let this threat do what it's going to do, and let this hurricane come through or this tornado come through. And then tomorrow, if we survive this, then we will hear the birds chirping, the sun will come back up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
All right, we're back with a money and marriage question. This is a doozy. I love this one. How can I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? We just end up sitting on the couch on our phones. Kelly, when you hear the phrase, how do I change my mindset after having an emotionally draining night with the kids? I want to make sure I'm hearing this one right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
What do you think when you hear that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
You got your butt kicked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah, that's how I heard it too. Here's my, just my rule of thumb. I don't ever want to fall off the wagon, but I don't mind climbing down the wagon and rolling around in the mud. I don't mind hitching myself to the wagon and going here and letting it drag me around a little bit. I don't mind that. But the key word here is intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And so I think it's important after one of these emotionally draining nights, I still have them where me and my wife look at each other and we're like, oh, can't make words. Just tiring. The key word here is intentional. We are intentionally going, man, we just got our butts kicked. Yeah. And honestly, that's not even the night to think through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Because that's when you're like, I'm going to tell that kid tomorrow that they can never... That's not a good time to do that. And then intentionally say, I want to spend 15 minutes on my phone just staring off into space. And then I'll come back. I'm going to intentionally go for a walk. I'm going to intentionally go take a shower. Let's curl up. This is how we do it at my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
On these nights, we get our butts kicked. It's often... One person will say, I need to go to bed early tonight. And the other person will say, gotcha. Or one of us will say, hey, you in for a Brooklyn Nine-Nine? You got an office rerunning yet? Let's just sit down. That's us saying we got our butts kicked today. We're tired, but we're intentionally going to spend 30 minutes with our lives paused.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And then when that show is over, we turn off the TV and we get back up and we then make our way to what comes next. And so it's all about intentionality. Otherwise, like this says so eloquently, we just end up sitting on the couch on our phones. And you're both wondering who got their butt kicked more. Maybe he's wondering, well, is she still going to want to party?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Because I sent her that text earlier today. And she's maybe sitting there going, if I just sit here, maybe he'll go clean up. You're not intentional with what you say next. And the day just kind of fades away into this blech. And then, yeah, if you look up, that can become 1, 2, 5, 10, 20 years of your life. Intentionality. I want to live a life that I don't have to numb my way out of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
But there are times after you get your bell rung in a boxing match when you got to stop for a minute and step out of the ring and regroup. Intentional. Great question. Great question. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And a text box will pop up and you can write in what you're going through and what you're experiencing. And see if we can get you on the show. And I'll pull up a seat next to you at the bar and we will figure out what is going on. Let's roll out to Raleigh, North Carolina and talk to, oh, it's a couple's call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So can I paint a picture for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So Tessa and Michael, this is me with a big handful of spaghetti thrown up against the wall, okay? See what sticks. But just listening to you guys for a few minutes, tell me if I'm on the right track or if I'm not on the right track, okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And I want to preface this with the old therapeutic adage, we marry our unfinished business, okay? So, Michael, you've wrestled with various challenges with emotional and mental health for most of your life. And it sounds like you're working really hard and yet you have gullies and seasons when things are pretty low. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Okay. So... I don't want to go too nerdy, but it's my belief that many men, many, many men, millions of men, They understand that at work, in their faith practice, just hanging out with the bros, that vulnerability will get them killed. And not killed like a bullet to your head, but killed, ostracized, pushed out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Nobody wants to hear a guy whining about stuff with a bunch of dudes in the room, okay? And so the only way they know they're connected... is either shoulder to shoulder, a group of guys doing a hard thing together, building a thing, solving a problem, doing something, right? Or they get home in their romantic relationships. The only way they are safe enough to be honest and vulnerable is sex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's the only thing that says, okay, this one is safe. And On the other side, like for bajillions of years, sex for a woman meant you might get pregnant. And until recently, pregnancy might mean death. Pregnancy might mean ostracization. Pregnancy might mean kicked out of your tribe if this baby wasn't had the right way for your particular group, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So often, sex becomes something that's terrifying and scary or quote unquote unsafe unless we have connected emotionally, socially together. And you can see how you both are coming at this thing needing something. Now, here's my guest number two throwing spaghetti against. This is me throwing up against the wall. Michael, you go through tough stuff emotionally. Are you working full-time, Michael?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Okay, so you go to work. You start feeling yourself getting low. You get frustrated and angry that you're feeling yourself getting low. You say some things out loud. I don't even know if I want to be in this thing. And every test, every one of your alarms goes off. This guy's going to leave me again. I've got to make this thing right again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And then, Michael, you gasping for oxygen, go to the only place it's okay for a man to seek connection, and that is through sex. And that energy coming at you, Tess, feels just like, all the way back to when you're seven. And your body says, shut this thing down. Because it's not sex like, hey, let's have an escape together from this chaotic life of a couple of kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
That is not, hey, let's inject some play and fun into our lives. Let's have some deep connection and we can just unplug from the world. This is, for Michael, this is survival sex. And you've been in the house of a man trying to survive. And you are the casualty of it when you're seven years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
We'll go to Raleigh and I'm going to pull up Tess here. Hey, Tess, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Does any of this ring true at all? Tell me if I'm out to lunch here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So let's take that pressure off. Okay. It doesn't matter. Because it's happening now. And what you're doing is you're making yourself feel crazy because you're comparing the present moment with all these other things that have happened in the past.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Just because you've enjoyed sex in the past, just because you've had some great romantic partners in the past, just because you and Michael have had great connected intimacy in the past, doesn't mean that it doesn't feel unsafe now. And my guess is, I'll say my guess is on Michael's behalf, having kids does all kinds of things to a person's, a parent's internal emotional state.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
I'm great. You doing good?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
You can, I've seen people who are just chaotic maniacs that they have a kid and do, it just flips a switch. They start showering all the time. They show up on time. They get promoted at work. It's just the thing they were anchored into. And I can tell you for me, man, I was super reliable at work, and I was fun to be around. I was a little unhinged like I always am, but having a kid spun me up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
What did having kids bring to your chest, that little reactor in the middle of your chest? Does it give you peace? Does it make you feel less than?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Oh, just love. I mean, they're the best part of my life, no offense to us. But they are... Far and away, you know, my great motivator.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
It's surreal too. And I'm going to pull up Michael here. Michael, you there? Yeah. Hey, how's it going? What's up, homie? All right. So I got both of you here. Good to talk to y'all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And, you know, it's funny that, you know, you mentioned kind of the survival aspect because it's definitely true that who I am at home is not, you know, the same type of, you know, guy that I am when I'm out with my friends or when I'm at work and there's different responsibilities and expectations. But, you know, I do...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
look at, you know, kind of the last year and how this kind of problem has, well, you know, problem, the situation has kind of deepened, you know, I spent half of last year unemployed. Um, and there was a lot of, you know, there was a lot of negativity going around between me and my wife and, you know, we do everything that we can to just, you know, keep up with our kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And then she's right that by the end of the days, you know, we're exhausted. And I look at the intimacy as, Kind of, you know, that, you know, break from the world versus, I think, you know, some of the things that I said and done while I was really feeling down, you know, that obviously still sits really, really heavily with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
And I want to help to, you know, you can't undo the past, but, you know, I want to help to be able to help her forgive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah. So Tess and Michael, here's what I'll tell you. A, I think there are some pretty clear paths back, okay? And let me change my language. I'm gonna retract what I just said. There is no paths back. There are some pretty clear paths towards you guys building a new marriage together. That's gonna be built on forgiveness. That's gonna be built on choosing reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Yeah. Yeah. You too. Thanks for having us on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
The reality is Tess, Michael got fired. He lost his job. And that can happen to any of us. And as the mother of two young kids, that can be terrifying. And also you can be honest and put on the table, Michael, I did or did not feel safe by the way you went to find another job. And we can have that hard conversation. And you can be honest about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
What parts of Michael, the conversations, the language, the showing up to help around the house, the help with the kids, the doing the diapers, the bedtime routines, which parts of what activities, what actions can Michael take that help remove the stop signs in your house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Absolutely. Okay. So Tess, you let it rip and, uh, then we'll go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
So what we're trying to do is build a house that has room for play and eros, eroticism in it, that has room for comedy, room for laughter, room for just joy, room for right now. You want to go do it right now? Oh, yeah. Like that could build space for that. And if Michael, if Tess is always worried, is today going to be a low day for Michael? Is he going to say something? Is he scared?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Enjoy Sex With My Husband (We Have Issues)
Is he going to be mean? Am I going to have to go to work all day and then deal with the kids all night? Michael's just going to be on the couch. Those are all things that y'all need to talk about because sometimes it's as complicated as we need to go to some intense marriage therapy because we need an outside resource.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
For the sake of the past few shows, please tell me it's not you that's having the affair with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
So what about this best friend? By the way, everyone who gets introduced to some sort of faith says it's the one true faith. This person who has been a spiritual influence in your life and a professional influence and a personal influence, it sounds like it's a lot of smoke and mirrors if you can't sit down and say, bro, what are you doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. Then your relationship is not what you think it is. Or let me say this. It's not what you, what you are fantasizing it is. And I don't mean fantasizing in a sexual way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
It's not real. And so. That's exactly correct. How can I help you? What's like, what's the next right move for you? What's the question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Actually, that would have got us a lot more subscribers. That would have been kind of awesome for the show. Yeah, that would have been good. Okay. All right, so tell me more. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
So, man, that's a great question. And I'm going to, the answer is surprisingly simple. But it, yeah, so I'll just put it out there. Number one, you say about 10% of what you want to say or think you should say. So say as little as possible. Not in a manipulative way, but knowing this is a person who has demonstrated through their actions. They don't care what you say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
They don't care about the integrity of the partnership. They have moved on with their life. Okay. And so what they have done in that process is there's not a lot of, like... He doesn't need a lot of explanation. And, by the way, the more explanation you give is just going to put gas on a fire that he's got raging inside of him that has nothing to do with you. Correct.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
It's as simple as, hey, I need to have a direct conversation with you. It's going to be pretty tough. Okay, Dave, what's going on? I've accepted another opportunity and another business. It's been my life's honor getting to work with you, and I will never forget that. the investment you put into my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
In a couple of days, I'm going to circle back and we can talk through how we're going to separate the company, how I'm going to get bought out. I don't know the details of how you're going to transition. Once he hears the words, I have taken a new position, period, he is going to go full fight or flight. He won't hear another thing you say. I know. So don't. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And in a couple of days, we'll circle back and we'll work through the details. And I don't know what that means to get out of the real estate part and the business. I don't know if you have equity in the company. I don't know any of that kind of stuff. If you do, you need to write out specifically what your expectations are for that exit. Right. Because you're an owner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
This isn't a matter of like I'm quitting my job and you're turning in a two-week notice to your boss. You're an owner, right? Or you're a partner in this company. So I don't know what that kind of looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. You need to be very clear and you probably ought to meet with an attorney before you sit down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay, but hear me closely, Dave. Yes, sir. You stepping out and taking a new job does, in fact, does not absolve you of the mess you already have created. If you have your name on documents, if you are a partner, if you are an owner, if you are somehow already in the middle of projects that are underway, you will still be liable for those as you leave. That's correct.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And so if there's 10 restoration projects or 10 rehab projects going and you just quit, but you were part of the guy that signed the contract with that original company, they still come after you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. He may pull a grenade pin before then.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I know. I'm expecting it. Okay. So here's what I would do. I would spend your energy not trying to predict or contemplate how he's going to respond. Instead, I would spend my energy on writing out very clearly for myself and for him, here's what the next steps will look like. And then underneath that... In fact, the last... The last three jobs I've transitioned out of, I sat down with a plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
For the sake of the past few shows, please tell me it's not you that's having the affair with her. No, no, no, no. God, thank you. What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John. The Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us, man. Three times a week, dropping new episodes, me sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Two out of three times, my plan has been readily accepted. Like, I'll stay. I'm going to overlap. I'll work here, and I'm starting my new job. I'll be available for you. You can pay me contract, and I'll stay on. That's been accepted. The other one wasn't. One of them wasn't. They said, we're going to pay you out, but we want you to go ahead and go early. That's cool. It's their facility.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
It's their place. And so you can have all the plans in the world. It's all well and good. If you want to just walk away and have no equity in this thing, and that's what you've decided, then put that down and have your lawyer draw up an agreement that says that I'm terminating this partnership effective immediately.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
If not, who knows what he gets on the phone and does, and you're still a quote unquote partner or co-owner until January. I would not do that. He can drag you through all kinds of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
If you think he's in a position where he's going to steal your stuff, then yeah, you need to do the next right thing to protect yourself. But I don't want you to cash out your dignity and your honor and your character in the process. So what that would mean is if he says, hey, I'm taking on some more jobs for the new year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I think there's a personal betrayal and there's a legal betrayal. Because you or him are going to sign contracts with a customer who expects you to be running the show because he ain't doing it. And then it's going to be gone. So, yes, if you think the day you tell him, hey, I've taken a new position. I'm planning on starting January 1. I'm going to help you wrap up this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
If you don't think he's going to respond to that in a positive way, he's going to lock you out of the building, then, yeah, you can get your stuff out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. By you deciding you're going to stay for the next three months, then that's part of it. You know that. Right. That's like me going to stay at my dad's house. I know my dad's going to try to convince me of his political views. This is how my dad rolls. But I'm choosing to stay at his house. So that's kind of the price I pay to be there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
you get what i'm saying but any sort of like um i think the meta lesson here is especially initially the least amount of um explanation deep conversation he will not hear you he's been able to have his cake and eat it too or i don't know how that saying goes how's that saying go to i don't know make his cake and have it eat it too what's the saying having your cake and eating it too
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
He's been trying to have his cake.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You can't have it. That saying, he likes being a co-owner where he makes money and you increasingly over the last four or five years have been running everything. And that's going to come to an end. His gravy train is coming to an end. He's going to be upset about it. And so say as little as you can and then come up with a plan in writing a few days later when the smoke is cleared.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Expect him to be angry because you've just blown up his life. That's okay. He made that choice. Hand him a piece of paper and says, here's my expectation and my plan. Let's work it through together. Every job I've ever left, I always send my exit strategy in writing. It's always a proposal. And I'm hoping they accept it. And I'm also offering things. I'm going to keep working here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I'm not going to leave y'all high and dry. I'll finish all the reports. I'll turn the budgets in, whatever the thing is. And I think it's looking at the world y'all are in and saying, okay, the next three months are going to be a mayhem. And then I start this new job. moving forward, but the days of handshakes and it's going to be all good. That has to end. You guys start putting stuff in writing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Um, and almost think of this like as a divorce. My buddy Dave says, once somebody says, I want to divorce you, you are now in a business transaction. The romantic part is over. We are now into dividing up assets and we are dividing up the path that we are going to exit this, this partnership, similar thing here. The moment you accept this position, I accept this job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Now we are fully in business mode. Hopefully, y'all can stay friends through it, but you're dividing assets, you're dividing tools, you're dividing jobs, you're dividing payouts, you're dividing debts, whatever y'all got on the table. Let's have that in writing as soon as possible. Thanks for the call, Brother Dave. Appreciate you, man. Best of luck to you. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
All right, let's go out to Mission Viejo. Viejo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Mission Viejo, said the former geography teacher. California, and talk to Bella. Hey, Bella, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
That sounds like you went to a women's empowerment conference. Did you take an online quiz?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I'm just playing with you. I'm trying to break the ice a little bit. Tell me about your self-imposed boundaries and your fearful living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You're good. You're safe. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Very cool. Okay. Well, congratulations on saying no more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I'm proud of you because you know what you're doing. You're thinking of three generations from now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And it takes a bold step to just stop and turn and face the fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And know that analogy sounds good stitched on a pillow, but when you turn and face a fire, it also means you on behalf of the generations that will come after you get burned up too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. So it's part, it's, it's just, it's not a bug. It's, I mean, it's a feature, right? It's part of stopping generational hurt. So tell me something that you're scared of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
What's the name of one of your younger nieces or nephews? Just give me a random name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay, Emil. So imagine... a meal was choking in a restaurant and you don't know the Heimlich maneuver.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You saw this, somebody hurting. You saw somebody who needed something. What would you do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
But you can't do it. You don't know how.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. Would you ask for help? Um, excuse me. Um, Emile's choking. I'm sorry to bother you. Um, Emile's choking. How would you get people's attention?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay, so it's in there. When you saw somebody who needed something desperately, you would have no problem turning and yelling to a restaurant, hey, help, somebody help, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
If you like pina coladas, huh? I get it. So, um, that's a pretty far leap to, from, Hey, this family friend is going through a divorce. I'm going to crash there for a little while too, man. It's turned into a year to, I think my mom, my mother-in-law is having an affair at worst, a physical affair at best, an emotional affair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. What's the business? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I may or may not need that service. I may or may not be one of the paler people who's ever lived. Okay. So if you went and got certified to be a spray tan artist and you're doing that because you want to avoid a clock in and clock out job. Or you have this picture of owning businesses and making six figures.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Or you really kind of want to have a reputation like she's kind of cool because she's good at making people look better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You're a naturally quiet, I don't want to bother people kind of person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
If – so making a marketing material, I hate the word content, but that's the world we're in. Making – putting that message out, hey, I want you all to help me make six figures. I want you all to see how good my work is. Some people are wired for that. I'm not. You're not. If you wake up every day and say, hey, there are people – who don't like what they see when they look in the mirror.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I believe everyone has inherent beauty. And I've learned this craft where I can help accentuate people's beauty and give them a moment of peace from how awful they talk to themselves. You would scream at the top of your lungs to get that message out. I can help you exhale when you look in the mirror. You're beautiful and I see it. I'm going to help you see it too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And so it's the same thing. But what I found in my life that in my personal life is when I get excited about doing something that's just for me, I don't like talking about it. I feel weird about it. And when I make like an ad or I put something on social media about it, you can see it coming a mile away. Like, hey, what's up, bros? This is John. I've got this thing I want you to buy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Right. But like I just put out some new conversation cards about sex and intimacy. I mean, listen to the show. So many people are struggling because they're married to someone. They love somebody and they don't know how to say I'm struggling in this area.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And now I've got this tiny little thing that costs like 15 bucks or something that will give you a path. Like I'm passionate about this one. Or the parents and kids, like parents want to talk to the kids, kids want to talk to the parents, and they don't know how, as silly as that sounds. Here we are. I'm going to give you a tool. I'll talk about that till the end of time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
So I think the first thing is asking yourself not what do you want to do? Ask yourself, who am I waking up every day to serve and to help? And I think you'll find over time your fear about calling out and telling that message will go away. It will greatly lessen because you would have no problem screaming to help out Emil.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Right? You have no problem just because just talking to you, you have a pretty amazing spirit about you. If your friend came and sat with you and she was like, I just feel so ugly. you would not think twice of getting real close to her face and looking her dead in the eyes and saying, you are beautiful, would you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Yeah, exactly. That's who you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay, so here's the second part. What does your fear get you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
No, it's serving a role. It's serving a purpose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Can I take a couple of just guesses and you tell me if I'm wrong or if I'm right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
The idea of you doing art growing up in the home you grew up was silly. It was kid stuff. You got pushed into a maternal role. You had to be mom at a real young age.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
the idea that you're going to do art, that you're going to do beauty, shut up. We got those mouths to feed. You need to go there and get those kids bait.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Um, I say this with all due respect, but like what business is it of y'all's of yours? Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. And so what your body knows, your nervous system knows, your soul knows to, to get all woo about it, that deep down, the thing that you feel like you're best at doesn't matter. It's not that big of a deal. Nobody cares. And so what your fear gives you is protection against somebody else telling you that the thing that you think is important doesn't matter again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Your fear is protecting you from getting your heart stomped on again and again and again. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. The marketplace is mean. marketplace isn't nice it doesn't care about your feelings it cares about service can you serve other people and how much is it going to cost me and so to enter into the marketplace you're entering back into a world that got you hurt for most of your childhood and that's a world of I believe I have value. I believe I have a cool way of doing life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And people said, I don't care what you think. I don't care what you feel. Get those kids fed and get them bathed up and get them to bed. I'm watching TV. And so I want you to see your body, your boundaries, your fear. Your body's working perfectly given the circumstances you were raised in. You're not messed up or broken.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Do you get that? I want you to hear that. There's nothing wrong with you. Given what's happened to you in your life, your body's working perfectly. What you are trying to do is learn how to do something new. And so here's what I mean by that. Have you ever driven a standard, like a car that's got a clutch?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
So, uh, I've driven, I, my first car was a standard. I've driven a car, a standard for like what? 20, 30 years forever. Okay. Manual. Um, it says Kelly, Kelly GPT. Um, there are manuals, right? So, um, When you first start trying to drive a manual, it's going to buck and kick because you're not going to get that ratio of gas pedal and clutch right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
After driving one for 30 years, it should smooth out a little bit. And if it starts getting really rough, then you got a problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You are learning how to do a whole new thing. And that is put yourself out there. Start a small business. Say, hey, I have a talent and I think I can help you. I see something in you you don't see, and it's going to go, right? Because it's new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
But if you were helping Emil learn how to drive a manual, a standard, you'd be really graceful with him the first couple times you're driving. Never done it before. Of course you're going to be bucking and kicking in the car stalling. Of course you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Tell me about your self-imposed boundary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
If you sucked at something and somebody said, that's why your mom left, you know, because of your attitude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Then, yeah, you're going to spend your whole adult life trying not to suck at things because it's an act of war in your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Did I hit that nail on the head right there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I know they did. And hey, it wasn't true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
It wasn't true. And what your body has learned over the course of your life is that when other people are around, it is your job to make sure everybody has what they need and to shut your mouth. And I'm sorry that you were treated that way, but it was wrong. And... You get to choose what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And so it's about practicing. And for someone like you, Bella, you know what I would do? I would tell my friends, I'm practicing being more assertive now. You'll actually have to get over it and they'll all laugh and be like, whatever, Bella.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Absolutely not. No way, no how. And here's why. Not because of the affair, but because the vast majority of abuse, physical and sexual, is done with step-parents or visiting boyfriends kind of thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
But I bet they'd go along with you, wouldn't they?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And when it comes to putting out ads or marketing materials, make a commitment to the only person that matters right now, Bella. I will do five a day, period. I'm just going to do five a day. I will send five emails, five client reach outs. I will do five social media. I don't care what the thing is. I don't know what the thing is there in California. I will do five a day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And when those five are done, I'm finished for the day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I'm just going to do five. That's all of the stomping on my spirit I can handle. But what you're going to find is your body's going to learn over time you're not going to die. And in fact, you're much stronger than you think you are. You just have to tiptoe out on that ledge and you're going to realize it's not a ledge. The word that keeps coming to mind is you got to practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You got to practice. You got to practice. You got to practice being uncomfortable. You got to practice failing. You got to practice somebody saying your spray tan sucks and going, ugh, that doesn't feel good. I got 10 more clients today. Either they're right. I got to do better or whatever. Okay. And I'm going to go to the next thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
But listen, the things that kept you safe as a kid are going to destroy your small business. They're going to destroy your adult relationships. They're going to continue to erode your own belief in you. And it's time to not let those voices from your childhood, those nonsensical voices, continue to have a seat at the table in your life anymore. You're not welcome here anymore, voices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
It's time for you all to go. You look around at a bunch of empty chairs and you have to fill them up with people who love you and care about you and who are willing to walk alongside you, let you fail, cheer you on. I'm going to be honest with you. I think you're on the right path. I think you just need to come down, impose some symptoms on yourself. I will do five a day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I will make one phone call. When I get uncomfortable, I'm just going to put my fist in my chest. I'm going to hold it there. I'm going to keep making the phone call. I'm going to keep making the piece of content. I'm going to keep making the flyer. I am going to send these out to people because I'm here to help other people feel beautiful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I'm here to accentuate people, give them amazing photo shoots and amazing weddings and whatever else the thing is because I'm here to serve. I'm here to lift other people up. And what I think you're going to find is A, you're stronger than you think you are. And B, all those years of keeping your eyes open to keep you safe, reading a room is going to make you amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
When somebody walks in sheepishly for the first time and says, I don't feel beautiful. Can you help me feel beautiful? And you're going to go, oh man, sit down. Or come here into the booth. I got you. And you're going to be a gift. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm grateful for you. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life as my gift to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I don't know this guy. I don't know anything about this guy. I don't trust this guy. I don't have a relationship with this guy. My kid's not going over there, period. End of story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I want you to read it all the way through, and I want you to use it as a roadmap to slowly start practicing a new way to walk through this crazy, crazy world. You're a blessing. Talk to you soon. We'll be right back. Kelly, what did I put on the internet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
All right, you said, my wife has been out of town for several days. When she got home today, I was overwhelmed by how much I missed my friend. I was so happy she was home. This led me to think. I used to think love and marriage were only about fireworks and hot feelings, and sometimes they are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
But after years of hard, hard work, I'm finding a good marriage is when two people can't wait to hang out with each other, even after all the heartache, the do-overs, and challenges. If your marriage is barely hanging on, know this, the work and the forgiveness and the healing is worth it. I promise you, a good marriage is worth it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
My wife was out of town for days this time and it was hard, man. It was real hard. And the first night I was mad. The second day I was frustrated. And I guess I was just reflecting last night. Like I couldn't wait till she got home just to hang out. Like, I just miss my buddy, right? And it wasn't about like, I need some help around here. It wasn't that at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
In fact, by the time she got back, she'd been gone long enough. She's gone for days this time. We'd gotten into a routine. Me and the kids, we're in a routine. We were laughing. We were being goofy. Josephine and I had worked through our demons. And whoa, there were demons. We worked through them. Like, we were just in it. And then it was like... Oh man, I miss my buddy. Like some things happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I guess just in a moment of reflection, man, if you had told me five years ago, six years ago, 10 years ago, when things were real, real rough between us, that I wouldn't, I would just want her to come home and not because like, oh yeah, now let's go to, not because of that, but just because I miss my buddy. I never would have believed you. I never would have thought that was true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And here we are. And so it was just a cool, I don't know, just a cool little moment I had when it's like, I'm so glad I didn't quit. I'm so glad we sat at the table and said, I'll rebuild this thing if you will. And let's do this thing together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Because I never could have imagined that here I am with two knuckleheaded kids who I love who are just being maniacal and too many dogs in the house and all this stuff. I just want my buddy to come hang out. I want my buddy to come home. And I just, I never would have seen that coming. It was pretty cool. So if you're struggling, hang in there. If you've got to rebuild, rebuild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I'm just telling you it's worth it. It's worth it. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
That's not how it works. The bridge has been burned, but not by y'all. Y'all are responding to a bridge that's on fire and it was lit on fire by your in-laws. Yeah. They don't get to set fire to a bridge and expect you to walk across it with your precious 15-month-old and then blame you for the singe marks on your clothes. That's not how it works. Yeah. Y'all did not light the fire of this bridge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
They did. They torched it. And so, cool, they're allowed to do whatever they want to do. What's going to happen in your house is your wife had a really beautiful picture of her close relationship with her mom and her mom being the best grandma of all time. And so when it comes to the boundaries, there needs to be a clear boundary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
My son, my daughter is not going to stay at a house where there's a strange man living there. Period. End of story. And so y'all get to decide. You want to see your grandkid? Or you want to keep being a supportive house for this guy? Y'all get to pick. And one of them is going to break my heart. But that's not my job. My job is to protect my kid. And I'm just going to look at the data.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
My kid's not going over to where strange men are staying. Period. Yeah. And you and your wife are going to have to grieve the fact that we thought, man, our picture for this was going to be so different than what it actually is. And that just, that hurts. That's the worst. Yeah. You keep mentioning that your wife and her mom have this amazing relationship. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Has she sat down across the table and looked at your mom and said, I mean, at her mom and said, mom, I think this is starting to feel inappropriate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
no um and i we so the relationship it's not amazing then let's stop couching it as that because if you can't have that conversation your relationship is not amazing yeah yeah if you can't be honest and you can't be direct and you can't be like hey i'm gonna put all this on the table because here's what i'm seeing if you can't do that then it's not a relationship there's some transactions happening there's some performance happening right
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And not always hurting, I guess, but people just stuck. Stuck in the relationships, their mental and emotional health. And it's real people going through real struggles. And we're going to sit down, we're going to figure it out, we're going to do the next right thing. If that's you... If you found yourself stuck, man, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndelony.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Yeah, that was going to be my question, brother, because this kind of person is not just, yeah, pushy and vocal about, I want to see that kid. There's other stuff going on, isn't there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Yeah. So the best thing I would tell you, is you guys solve for reality sooner rather than later. Okay. And there probably is not going to be some big showdown. There's not going to be some big come to Jesus, some big, that's just not going to happen. Your mother-in-law doesn't care about that kind of stuff. What she cares about is her way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Whatever she wants. And so knowing that, that this isn't a matter of interpretation, this isn't a matter of somebody just doesn't have some info that they need to help make a better decision. You're dealing with somebody who cares about one person, themselves. And if they've invited another man to live in the house, then your father-in-law's participating in this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And so, dude, I want to just be away from that mess. And let's say altruistically, let's say they're just, your in-laws are amazing people, and they gave shelter to a guy that just got wronged. That's awesome. If that's the case, then if I'm you, I'm going out to have coffee with that dude. And I would look him dead in the eye and say, I don't know you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I'm not sending my kid over to a place with strange men that I don't know. Yeah. Who do you think you are? I am the father of that kid. That's who I am. And I wouldn't bat an eye. And here's the thing, man. You and your wife as first kids, as people pleasers, you all chose to create a human.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And now your role has shifted because otherwise you're going to end up using your kid as a function in your people pleasing. And that's not fair to that baby.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I know I just dumped it all on you. How does that sound?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
So I, I, if, if there's no red, if there's no red flags, so it reminds me, I think I've mentioned it on the show. There's a great story. Kelly brought it to us once. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
producer kelly brought it once there was a kid getting walked through a temper tantrum inside of a grocery store or inside of a store like a home good store and dad just got frustrated and started carrying him out and the kid was kicking and screaming in the parking lot as they were heading out to the car and a man was walking into the store and the man stopped and said is that your kid right basically saying if you've just kidnapped a kid who's screaming and fighting you i'm intervening right now yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Please, we're getting close to a major milestone here, so don't forget to hit the subscribe button. Just take two seconds, subscribe to the show, especially on the tubes. It makes such a big, powerful difference. All right, let's go out to the 512 Austin, Texas and talk to Josh. Hey, Josh, what's up, dude? Hey, what's going on, Dr. John? Nothing much, man. Rocking on to the break of dawn.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And ended up, they got all worked out. It was fine. The dad's like, dude, I just got a kid. He's throwing a temper tantrum. It's bananas. But the dad who got stopped in the parking lot ended up circling back and saying how grateful he was that a man took a moment to stop and potentially protect his child.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And so if you as a dad, a new dad, practice looking other grown men in the eye, because it's going to happen with a soccer coach. It's going to happen with a teacher. It's going to happen with a who, it's going to be the rest of your life. If you practice walking up and saying, hey, sir, whatever this guy's name is. Hey, Dan, I'm going to take you out to coffee. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I'm going to take you out to coffee. Hey, this is my son. And I don't want to be weird or anything or hurt your feelings, but all the data says that a lot of challenges come from strange men in the homes, and I don't know you that well. If he's a man of high character and integrity, he's going to look at you and say, that a boy. This is the kind of dad. You're a good man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Let me tell you about myself. Let me tell you what I've been through. When your son's over at this house, I will protect him till the moon and back. And if he throws a temper tantrum, how dare you talk to me like, do you believe it? Then bro, he just, he got, you know what I mean? Right. You learned all you need to learn. But your heart's going to race in route to that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
You're going to be nervous about it. Your mother-in-law may be all mad about it. Your father-in-law may be all mad about it. You're going to walk away from that conversation 10 inches taller. Because I think the person you're starting to lose the most respect for is yourself, you and your wife together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
So there's not an easy path forward, brother, but I hate it for you. I hate it. I wish your wife could leverage this quote unquote amazing relationship she has with her mom just to go, mom, what in the deal? What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And if she can't, then that should be the big red flag to tell you just how not solid this relationship is. And then you all need to do what's best for you two and your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Well, tell her to call me. I'm happy to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Take a recording of this and let her listen to it. I can't think of a worse – I can. One of the worst things to have to grieve is I had a picture in my mind that I thought my parents – I thought they would become this kind of grandparent and they're not. And I hear this all over America.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I think the counter is people are just writing all their parents off because they didn't perfectly match this picture. And I think that's probably too far too. But there's some middle ground and the middle ground is going to be, I'm not leaving my 15 month old there. And by the way, that also sucks for y'all because I was free babysitting, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I mean, it's got a whole bunch of costs to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
But if my mom is having an affair with a live-in guy that they gave refuge to and my dad is going along with it, or my mom is a bully and she's a liar and she's making excuses for this guy because she's got emotions because she's using him to prop up gaps in her marriage with the other guy, I don't want my 15-month-old anywhere near any of that mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
And I'll swing in for Thanksgiving and I'll swing in for Christmas, but I don't want anything to do with that mess. And now you and your wife have to live in the ash of what was and what could have been and what we hoped for and what we thought was going to happen. Y'all got to do the hard work of saying, okay, what's Easter going to look like for us this year? What's Christmas going to look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
What's babysitting going to look like? And that's heartbreaking, but it just is. It's just owning and dealing with reality. It's owning and dealing with reality. And I think our entire culture is set up to avoid reality. I'm really proud of you two for having this conversation, for thinking about it, and for wondering what we're going to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
I think at the end of the day, you and your wife need to decide what's best for our family and how we're going to navigate it moving forward. And then her parents get to decide if they're going to be mature about it, they're going to feel a fit about it, they're going to have honest conversations about it. They get to decide what happens next. Y'all just can't own all of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Y'all have to do the next right thing for you and your family. Appreciate the call, my brother. Appreciate it. We'll be right back. All right, let's roll out to Ontario and talk to Dave. What's up, Dave? Yes, sir.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Business partner or romantic partner?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
Okay. So y'all got some history together. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Think My Mother-in-Law Is Having an Affair
What's gone downhill? The access you had to him and you being the focus of his life? What's gone downhill?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Why did you come home so angry all the time? And culture says you can show them by making this much money. You can show them by having everybody like you. You can show them by being the go-to guy. When anything goes wrong, we're going to call Adam because he'll be here to solve it. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And then you marry somebody and she thinks she won the lottery with a smooth talking, good looking, solve everything, good grades, going to make us some money and keep me safe guy. And then you realize all of these other things don't work. And so increasingly you put it on her shoulders to solve it. And it's, I want to have kids. Okay, cool. Let's have three. I want to do this. Okay, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I'm glad that you called, man. And for those of you who aren't Adam, it took us a long time to get this show rolling this morning because we had lots of technical difficulties because... Ben doesn't like hitting record. I don't know, I'm just blaming you because I saw you at a corner of my eye, Ben. But no, it's all good, man. Adam, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I want to move here. Cool. Let's move again because I just got a new promotion. Okay, cool. Let's do this. I want to get this car. This will help. And eventually it all comes down to you must prove that you love me. And that is why the five love languages, the Myers-Briggs, Enneagram stuff, I don't like them because they become weapons.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You will do this or it will give me, it will finally prove to me why my dad didn't love me because I'm unlovable because you won't even do what I'm saying or quote unquote what I need. And I need you to hear me say, dude, all of this stuff is an extra, you're trying to take external, external wallpaper and cover up an internal hole. It's the size of Kansas inside your chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And I'll just tell you now she can't, she can't fill it. Yeah. If you just, how do I, how do I, what do I do next? Yeah. Well, um, I got a couple of things for you. One is the practical, um, I want you to do the bravest thing you've probably ever done. I want you to go sit with somebody and be honest. And there's some stuff that you can tell the guys that you sit at a table with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You can tell something to a counselor that I promise you will make their toes curl. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah. And then the second part is I want you to sit down with your wife and begin to have conversations about want. Play. Laughter. We often exchange excitement for joy. We think we're chasing this excitement. And if we're good men, we dump all that on one person. It's just a lot. What brings you joy? What gives you peace in your heart? Is sex a part of that? Of course it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Is adventurous, novel sex a part of that? Of course it is. But if that's the end aim, I'm promising you, nobody can hold that. We have a culture that's been melted by that message. So A, your wife is blessed and it's honorable that she has a husband that just wants her all the time. But I also promise you, she feels that you don't want her to be together. You want her because she's feeling it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You want her like a Xanax. Yeah. And that's not sex. That's numbing. That is so I don't have to feel unloved in my own skin. And I wish there was another way other than grief demands a witness. You sitting with another person, preferably a trained person, but maybe these guys are your guys. And you can sit down and have like the deep heart. I got to be seen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Here's a couple of easy things you can do in a day. Have the breaks and gas pedals conversation. I want you and your wife to read Emily Nagatsky's. What's the name of that book? I just lost it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Come As You Are. That's right. Y'all read that book together. Read that book together. And I want y'all to have some conversation. And it will be super, super comically awkward in all the best ways. Emily's a great writer, but she gets right to it, man. And I want y'all to begin to ask questions like, how can I love you? What does love look like in this moment today? And on and on and on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
the sex will come and i'm telling you this is wild sex will be different it will be deeper and uh more more fulfilling in a wild way and it will be a what kind of sex you want to have tonight and what are you into and it becomes something it becomes an act of play an act of escape not an act of desperation it's the greatest sexual ever ever ever have Because it won't be survival sex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
It will be together. Two people, two great, great, great friends who are like, dude, it's on tonight. I'm proud of you, man, for making that call. When we get off the phone, I want you to pick up a phone book in your local area. I want you to call somebody, preferably, it doesn't matter what the gender is, but call a therapist and sit down and start having those hard conversations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Today's day one, brother. We'll be right back. All right, I've got to say it. I love Organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they even worth it? Right? I get it. So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try out Organifi, I got the perfect solution.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
The Organifi Starter Kit. It's like if Organifi released a greatest hits album, but without all the obligatory lame live tracks. In the Organifi starter kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel good from the inside out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And you get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants. It's an early morning and an afternoon pickup without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that helps you stay focused and feeling great. But that's not all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You also get a full month's supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation, and supporting heart health. And to make mixing your juices even easier, the starter kit comes with an Organifi shaker bottle. When I started using Organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week, and I think you will too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Right now, you'll save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney. This kit is the best way to enjoy three Organifi products on the go, whether you're at the office, running errands, or just hitting the gym. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off their starter kit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And while you're there, you can save 20% off everything else on the site. That's Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were just unheard of until a few decades ago. And I don't mean lame AI influencers or tons and tons and tons of mindless videos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent light, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time. I literally use them every single day, and I love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And here's why I think you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Like I said, I use them every day. And you can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, 100% sleep blackout masks, and more. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash Deloney, bondcharge.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go check them out. All right, we are back. What did I do, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
My friend Cassie said, phone books are when people used to print off parts of the internet and put them on your front door. Pick up a phone book. Did I really say that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Dude, I got old up in here real quick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yellow pages. Man, you kids and your internets, y'all don't even know. You don't even know. If you wanted to call Kelly Daniel, you'd have to like open the phone book and there'd be 30 Daniels and you start at the top.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Start calling. Is Kelly there? Hello? And you hang up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Like or subscribe. Hey, man, for real, hit the subscribe button on YouTube. All right, let's go out to, we got a couple here, but they're a long distance, so we're going to slap it up, flip it, and reverse it first and go to Virginia Beach and talk to Ethan. What up, Ethan? What's up, John? How you doing? Dude, I could not be doing any better, man. How are you? I'm doing great, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Excellent, excellent. All right, we're going to bring in Grace, who's in Columbia, South Carolina. Hold up. Grace, you there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Oh, man. Oh, gosh. I say you're not. You sound like a love languages guy. Yes, a little bit. Okay. I don't believe in the takedown. There's whole podcasts and authors and whatever. Their whole life is just all they do is go around and take down other people. So I'm not really into that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I'm so good. I'm good. All right. So, Ethan, I think you're the one who called in with a question. And let it rip, dude. Let's get into it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Have you not got it because you haven't asked for it? Or did you ask for it and they said no?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Was it something that you could tell had been building up for a long time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Why did you feel the need to ask both of them at the table?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Grace, what was your memory or experience of that conversation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah, but you would have known that mom's going to react like that because mom always reacts like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So why'd you set Ethan up in that situation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But you kind of knew what was going to happen though, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I will say that I think the love language phenomenon, the five love languages and all of the various whatevers, it's fine as an aha and as a good conversation moment between partners. It can be cool to be reflective. But it's not real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Have they ever been supportive in that way of you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Ethan, did you feel like Grace hung you out to dry?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grace, why didn't you intervene and say, whoa, whoa, stop talking about the guy that I love?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
They didn't know you had a backbone. They thought she's still our little girl and she's still going to do what we say, when we say it, how we say it. And you got kind of run over at the beginning in that conversation, which by the way happens. It's not a beat up, but I'm just trying to call out. If I'm Ethan, I would feel like I'd keep side eye and you'd be like, are you going to stand up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
These are your parents. And I get that. But also if you circle back and said, whoa, this never happens again. Not on my watch. You've done this to me my whole freaking life, and this is over. So, Ethan, what's the root of your call, man? Trying to figure out how to move forward?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
and I think we end up sometimes those love languages get weaponized as you have to do this because this is the only way that I am programmed and if you don't do this then you're choosing to not love me instead of it being like huh yeah like I have a bent this way or I kind of lean this way so tell me about what love looks like in your house you got kids
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Oh man. I don't want to speak ill of him cause he's not on the phone. Um, um, one of two things, either he's a complete and utter coward and didn't believe anything his wife was saying, but just doesn't want to fight her. And so he doesn't mind watching some guy get run over on his, at his, at the kitchen table. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
because it's easier to keep the peace with his out of control wife, or you know exactly what he thinks of you. She just speaks for both of them. Neither of those are good. Right. And if he didn't reach back out afterwards and call you and be like, Hey dude, I'm how that went was wrong. I'm sorry. Um, no bueno. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Well, I mean, it was a hundred percent their intention and they got what they wanted. They wanted you to leave. And they got what they wanted, which is you to get away from their daughter for a minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah, she doesn't really get a vote there. To me, Grace, what do you still look at searching for? Because here's the thing. I'm an old-fashioned Texan. I called my wife's Texas father and asked for permission to marry his daughter. Number one, she was a grown woman and we're not in the 1300s, right? I wasn't trading like many goats for her, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
She wasn't his possession to quote unquote giveaway. And I also, I don't know, there's an old school respect thing that I just like. Um, and so I'm all about it. I love it. And by the way, my father-in-law was hog hunting and, uh, he's, he's, he's one of my favorite people in the world, but he was gone. I went ahead. I talked to her, hurt my wife's mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Um, she was awesome and said, we'd be honored and whatever. Um, my father-in-law called me back that night late and said, I heard you asked my daughter to marry her. What'd she say? He knew. And I said, she said, yes, got long silence. And he just said, there's not a rock small enough that you could hide under that if you hurt my daughter, I won't find you. And I was like, yes, sir.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And he goes, all right. And he was, he was awesome, man. But I remember him being like, got it, got it. I love that. I love it. There's a lot of theater in it, but I love it. But here's the thing. If you're asking for a blessing grace out of this codependence,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I've never been able to pick a class in high school, buy a car, pick an apartment, date more than two weeks without mom coming in and saying, this is what's going to happen, this is how it's going to be. Or anytime I got a C on a college class, my mom was the one calling the college professor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
If that was your life and you're codependently, you can't move forward without them nodding approval from on high. Then, Ethan, I would say I would run or at least take a big step back because Grace, you're going to be asking her opinions on – you're going to have a third person at your table for your entire marriage, and your marriage is going to suffer for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
If, Grace, you like the picture, as a little girl, you always had this dream of the guy you were going to marry was going to ask your dad for your hand in marriage, and he was going to say yes, and they were going to punch each other in the arm. I don't know whatever picture you had.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
If you just know that's what I wanted and I totally get that and I love it and I hope Josephine demands that of her, the person, my daughter Josephine demands that of who she married. I hope that's the case. And it's old fashioned and it's, I don't care. I like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But if you're doing this because you are so uncertain about your next move because your mom has dictated every move in your life, you're going to have to cut that cord or you're going to have to let Ethan go. Because when y'all two say, I do, you can't invite her to share your bedroom with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And you can't invite her into your finances and you can't invite her into your home decisions and job decisions. You can't invite her into like permission to send your kids to a certain school or whatever. It's got to be you and Ethan, ride or die.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And so if there's a grieving, tell me about this blessing. What do you need from it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah, they raised a strong, smart woman. Right. Ethan, there's not really like a research answer to this. I'm just gonna tell you what I would do. I would reach out and call dad. And I would say, Hey, I'm going to be in town. I'm going to come in and visit. I want to take you out for lunch. Just you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And, um, and I would probably be pretty, pretty direct and specific and say the last conversation we had didn't go well. I didn't ask the question, right. And I'm going to own that. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me, and it would mean the world to me to have your support, that you and I can become friends over time, that you know that I love and care for your daughter, that you ask me any questions you want to ask me, but that we're on the same team. And I can't choose if you want to be on the same team as me. I can't choose if you like me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But I want you to know that I want to honor your relationship with your daughter. And I would be as direct, just one grown man to another grown man. And again, not the, can I have her hand? Because she's not property, right? She's not his to quote unquote give away. But there is a, hey, we're joining families here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And Grace, I would go take your mom out and say, mom, this looks like this is happening. Um, we want you on board. And also we know that, and by the way, this can't happen in text. This can't happen on the phone. You need to do this in person. Um, we want you side by side. And what you said last time really hurt him, hurt him bad.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And, um, you don't have to join us in this, but man, we don't want to do life without you. And family will be family will be family. And it might be that we're in different towns in different States for a season, or we might be overseas for a season. Who knows? Um, but y'all are always going to be our family. It's just going to look differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And I would give them a chance and have that conversation, that direct conversation. I wish you guys the absolute, absolute best. Hang on the line. I want to give you all a couple of tickets to the October Money in Marriage that's coming up. We had one at Valentine's Day that was just off the charts, the best thing I'm a part of.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But we're going to do it again in October, and I'd like to invite you to come join us by that time. And if you want to just go ahead and do your wedding at Money in Marriage, that would be even doper. All right. Thank you all so much for the call. We'll be right back. All right. We got to talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind.
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Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days, all of us. I wish this wasn't the case, and the internets don't care what I wish. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of the things that we have on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist.
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And because so much of our lives now take place on the internet, it's simply become normal to just give away our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I recently looked at the reports my friends at Delete.me have sent me.
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What does love look like for you?
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We can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with delete me. Get protected with delete me today and get 20% off all of their plans. And that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to join delete me.com slash Deloney right now. That's join J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney.
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All right, let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia, home of the Braves that ruined my childhood because they had all those great pitchers. Talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
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And I want dragons to be real, and I want four million lives.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So when you said dealing with the mess now, what has emerged since y'all got married?
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But it's still real. Anger is a good emotion. It points us towards something that we really care about that shouldn't be the way it is.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
It's when we meditate and ruminate on it. How often do you have imaginary conversations with her where you just let her have it?
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So you probably heard this. Forgiveness is for you.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And it's a decision to no longer let her This person who just hurt the man that you love more than anybody else in the world, who hurt him over and over and over and over and didn't protect him from other people hurting him. Yeah. It's a decision to no longer let her hurt him and hurt you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah. Whoever says that's, that's moronic. That's just like a dumb church trope or something. They like stitch on a pillow at home, at like home goods, right? Like you can't forget. It is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Okay. Okay. I'm glad you're bringing this up. So forgiveness does not mean I have to hang out with you ever again. Forgiveness doesn't mean I have to talk to you. I have to engage with you. Forgiveness doesn't mean anything like that. Forgiveness simply means think of what happened, like a cinder block, all the trauma. What did she, give me some examples of stuff she did to him. And his dad?
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Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, you look really nice today. It's like, oh, sweet. You just want to take your shirt off. I get that. I totally get it. I'm trying to do this in a way that I can also teach at the same time instead of just pulling apart your situation. Because I know I'm really grateful that you called because millions and millions of men experience this.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And do you ever have a moment with your four-year-old where you just look at them? Those four-year-olds are kind of the best because they're over that. People say terrible twos. I think three is way worse. But they have the fours where they're able to go to the bathroom by themselves, but their eyes are still wide with wonder.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yo, what's going on? This is John. With the Dr. John Deloney Show, I'm so grateful that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. Whatever you got going on in your crazy, crazy life. Whew, man. We all have it. I've got it. Everybody's got it. Kelly especially has it. Kelly, the show producer. So much so that she wore all of her necklaces today.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And you have those occasional moments when you look and think, how could anyone hit that?
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Who in your life, um, didn't show up for you?
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
A jerk like he was inappropriate with the young women in the group? A jerk like he swore at you and gave you bad theology?
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
He's not a jerk. He's an absolute child predator. He's a scumbag.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
let me down in life I would say okay they didn't let you down they abused you too yeah I guess you could say that too they used you too now listen to me this is where this gets terrifying in a home with great parents who don't know this is going on I'm not letting them off the hook because I think the whole youth ministry thing is its own catastrophe but that's a whole other thing yeah
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when you're a 13 year old girl and you have a guy with spiritual authority over you, who is both, you know it, he knows it. Everybody can feel the sexual tension that he is putting on a child. And at the same time telling you to get more sexy.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And at the same time telling you, if you make quote unquote, make a grown man feel these ways that you somehow are right, are responsible for his, all that nonsense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And on the other side, millions and millions of spouses experience trying to love with three kids. How old are your boys? Three, five, and eight. Good gosh. You haven't felt loved in a long time, have you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Tell me about growing up for you.
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As a 12-year-old, as a 13-year-old, as a 19-year-old, as a 25-year-old, you learn really young, I got to bury this because I'm going to end up killing somebody.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So what I don't want you to do is be led by that power, that 12-year-old girl who's totally powerless. And now that you have bigger muscles, right, you're bigger and you don't put up with that crap anymore. that you're going to try to exercise that demon with this dead mother-in-law.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And my guess is you're being, you're telling me only some of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So you have a sense of justice inside your, your heart and your chest that I think is so good and right. But that sense of justice also comes because you had to protect yourself because no one else would. No one else did.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And so in a strange, awful way, that scumbag, piece of crap, child molesting youth minister and the abusive mother who beat your husband into unconsciousness when he was a young kid. both of them every single day have a seat at your dinner table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
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And so that's when you knock on the door to a trauma therapist and say, I need to let two people go. And if that guy is still working with young people, then it's time to put that call in.
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Yeah. I would make that call. But that's just me. That's easy for me to do. And I'm a big, humongous, six-foot-two Texas male, so it's easy for me to say. I'm not going to tell you what to do. But if he still has access to kids and to other people of influence, then I want those people gone. I want them out of churches. I want them gone, gone, gone, gone, gone.
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Your father-in-law didn't get a vote. Your father-in-law shouldn't be in your home. Your father-in-law shouldn't be at holidays. Father-in-law cashed out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Your husband's a grown man, but at some point you're trying to prop up a fantasy. If those kids need a granddad, no, they don't need that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So I want you and your husband to wipe the table clean. I want you to like, and I say this like kind of joking, but it helps to have the physical act, okay? I want you to get a whole bunch of kids' toys. I want you to send your kids out to a babysitter's house. I want you to get a whole bunch of kids' toys. And I say that just because if you break them, that's okay.
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And I want you to pile them up on the kitchen table. And I want you to sit on one side and your husband to sit on the other. And I want both of you in one fell swooped act to swipe the table completely clean. And it's a symbol. It's an act. It's like a wedding or a funeral. It's an act between the two of you. We are clearing the table. And I want you to hear everything crash on the floor.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I want there to be a mess on the floor. I want it all to just fall. All that. And then I want you to look at each other and say, you and I get to decide how we feel inside this house moving forward.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
What do we want that to feel like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
That's right. And if you're not being honest with your husband about that, then you start keeping secrets and then he feels a distance from you and then he tries to solve. You see what I'm saying? It just creates this hole. Yeah. And let me just free you from some things. Grace does not mean, grace means I forgive you. Grace means go be well.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
That does not mean you get to have access back into my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
It's two completely different things. Forgiveness is not for them. It's for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah. Because your body doesn't know the difference. Your body thinks every time you spin up one of those conversations that mom's at the door again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And I want you to write a letter and I want you to ask your husband to write a letter to mom. You'll read it to each other and you go outside and put them in the Brio and put them in the fire pit and let it be done. I'm going to say the things I need to say one last time and then go and move on.
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Because if your faith is what you believe it to be, she's getting hers, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Let it go. Because I'm not either that or I want you to take the extra step of framing a picture of her and just bringing it to the dinner table every night. Just sit it right there. Make her a seat at the table because that's what y'all are doing.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
That's not true. That's not true. You don't want that.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
What you really want is to go vindicate your husband with his parents because nobody vindicated for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Okay, man, you are, um, you're, you're helping a lot of people by being honest. Um, what did high school romance look like for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And I know you've got a lot of religious trauma baggage, but are you still a person of faith?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
As it should for all of us. Still in church, but it's not that bad. But then whatever your faith background is, justice is being served. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Okay, there you go. Can I tell you the greatest middle finger?
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
That have no idea of what it feels like to have parents that don't go to war for their kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Raise kids that know they can always come home no matter what they do. Raise kids that fully understand. I'm not going to outsource your spiritual life to some 22 year old kid. Raise kids who know if you spill the milk in the house, we're going to laugh. You got to pick, you got to clean it up, but we're going to laugh about it.
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I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Raise those kids. That's the biggest middle finger. I'm going to change my family tree. That's the greatest rebellion is joy, kindness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And here's what healing is. Forgive and forget is bull crap. It's not real. It's not true. It's a dangerous trope. Healing is when I think about it happening, my body doesn't respond as though mother-in-law is banging on the door to come in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
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I can just think, oh, sick war woman. And you're going about your day because she doesn't get to impact how you deal with your kids. She doesn't get to impact the way you love your husband. And every time your husband has a seizure, I'm not giving her that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And that's a way that you don't deal with the reality that you married an amazing guy who also has seizures. Let's just deal with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And by the way, I'm making it sound easy. It took me about 10 years to get here. And I still have days, right? It's not like it just all goes away. But this is the work. This is the work. And so at the same time... After you and your husband read the letters that y'all write to each other. So here's what I want you to do. The table swiping exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I want you to each come to the table with five or ten things that you want your house to feel like. And then y'all are going to talk about how we can do this. Oh, if that's the case, then dad can't ever come over here anymore. Yep. If that's the case, we're doing Christmas in a small like state park because that's all we can afford. But we're not doing it with the whole family again. Yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I want y'all to do that exercise, swipe the table clean. And then I want you to write that letter to mom and be done with her or frame a picture of her and put her at the kitchen table and start making her a seat because that's where she is anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
The second thing I want you to do is I want y'all both to write a letter to your kids, dear kids, for when they are 21 and 25, I think is what you said. Here's the work we did for y'all. I don't want you to read that letter to each other. It's a commitment letter for you and your husband to each other that we're now moving forward. We're not going to continue to look back, look back, look back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Uh, I wouldn't say deep, uh, but I mean like this, did you fall hard?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
He's got some healing to do by the way. He's go see a trauma counselor. You need to go see a trauma counselor. You need to consider talking, um, to somebody who, uh, in, in, in authority. If this pastor still has access to kids, um, and God, I hope, uh, dude, a few things get me more raged out than that. Um, but we're going to start moving forward. I'm going to set the bricks down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
If you want to, it's an exercise I've given a lot of people and it's astonishing how successful they tell me it's been. Go to Home Depot or Lowe's and buy a cinder block and put a piece of duct tape on it and write your mother-in-law's name on it and just carry it around your house for a while. Carry it around your house, carry it around in your backyard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Just keep carrying it and carrying it until your hands feel like they're on fire and they're going to burst and then you throw it down in the backyard. Or go throw it down the woods somewhere, tear off the duct tape, throw it in the trash, and say out loud, I'm never carrying your sins again. I'm not carrying your abuse anymore. I'm done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And there's a physical act that you can always point back to. So whenever your body spins up, you can go, no, no, no, no, I set that down. I set that one down. And that is the path out of victimhood, the path to freedom. Thanks for the call, Emily. Super, super grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world.
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It's officially Lent. We're right in the middle of it. Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And it's when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus.
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And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. Throughout the way, you'll hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent Challenge for kids called The Little Way.
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It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has an enormous catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free.
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And that means you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out Hallow at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we're back. Here's a question from the Money in Marriage weekend getaway, the marriage retreat that me and my friend Rachel Cruz put on that is, I'm kind of biased, but it's the best marriage retreat in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
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Here's the question. How do you combine finances but still have your own bank accounts? We were both previously married to spenders who kept us broke and in debt. Um, so I am a 100% all the time. Always. Uh, that's not true. I always say stuff like that. And then I immediately think of like an exception.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Married couples should combine finances unless there is, there is abuse, um, um, or infidelity, like financial infidelity, but married couples should have one checking account that they both live out of. And, um, It's astonishing to me how many people make humans, make humans. They share their DNA, but they don't share bank accounts. That's my money. That's his money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
My friend George tells some great jokes about like, dude, if you Venmo your wife for the light bill, your marriage is in trouble. If you're like, no, no, no, you get dinner tonight and I'll get the water bill, your marriage is in trouble because you're operating on two different spheres. You're roommates. You're roommates. Married couples should share finances.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Well, so I get that, but also I want to step back and... I don't know, dude, if I let myself, it's a rainy day here in Nashville. It's kind of just a gray day. And so it's just one of those days where I just on the way to work, I was a little extra introspective just because of the weather. And I listened to like moody music kind of thing. I can get choked up. Here's why.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And there's a reality that if money was used as a way to keep you down, if money was, if somebody exerted power over you in a previous relationship, they kept all the money, you didn't know where it was, they wouldn't let you pay, they took out credit cards, you name it. Man, that trauma is real. It's scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But if you get remarried, but you each have one foot out of the boat, that's where you get those statistics that you're statistically more likely to fail in a second marriage too. And it makes sense, but most people don't go all the way in the boat. If you get married again, you have to risk getting hurt again. And that means you have to risk sharing bank accounts again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You can't get remarried and only go partway. And so how do you do this? You sit down and you're very honest. Here's what happened to me. What happened to you? Let's come up with some things that must be true for us. Like these are ways that we can establish trust when it comes to finances. This isn't a pitch. I love the EveryDollar app because both me and my wife have it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
When I spend something, it shows up on her phone. There's no hiding. There's no like, oh, secret. There's just not, just not. And it keeps you on the same page. And if you're talking about your money, then you're probably talking about your calendar. And if you're talking about your calendar, you're probably talking about, hey, who's picking up who and how are we doing this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And let's put sex on the calendar. And when's parents coming? It just keeps you completely aligned and connected moving forward. So this is like the conversation about past relationship hurts. Those are traffic signals of conversations you need to head towards. You got to head into those things, not around them, not around them. So how do you combine finances?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You get one checking account and you say, I'm all in. Are you all in? And here's what must be true. I wish it was more complicated than that, but it's not. It's people being honest. I'm starting to feel... I'm starting to get... Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. Be honest. And you'll act in accordance together. Y'all have a great day. Love you guys. Like and subscribe. Peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
I'm thinking about a little boy who so desperately wants to be seen and known and hugged by his old man and is constantly having to be rescued by mom. by this maternal figure. And I'm looking at a little boy who goes off a cliff every time somebody gives him a little bit of attention because not because there's something wrong with him or it's embarrassing, but because he's desperate for oxygen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Yeah. And he falls hard. Breakups are really hard within 24 hours instead of mourning that. Dude, I love a good middle school or high school like crush. I love them. But instead of mourning it and being sad like you're supposed to and you get quote unquote dumped, right? You're right onto the next because this is a matter of survival for your little nervous system because home's not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And the challenge is, and again, the challenge is it's really easy for you guys to get in a dance, especially with a chaotic house like you have. I need this. This is my love language. I need sex. I need this to feel loved. So your wife loves you and she puts you on a chore list. Yeah. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
We got to get the boys fed. We got to get the boys done here. We got to do this. You get the yard mode. I got to get him off and then I can go do this and then I can go to sleep. And what she does when she moves you to a chore list, she becomes your mom. Yeah. Right? She becomes a person. You become yet another thing that she's got to take care of that day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And so the reason I don't like the love languages other than just a fly-by reflective tool is it puts people on chore lists and it avoids the harder conversation, the more vulnerable conversation, which is you looking at her saying, I want you. How can I love you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And that all covers up the deeper question, which is most of the men running around needing, as they say, and by the way, men don't need sex. You need oxygen, food, and water. What we really want to say that we're terrified to say is, I want you. I want to be with you. I have all kinds of crazy, dirty thoughts about you. I want you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Blang, blang. Do you have a pinky ring that costs about 50? No?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But when we say we want something and someone says, I'm not going to give that to you, that's so devastating that we then dump it into this, well, I need it. I need it. I have to have, right? And so the ultimate question I have to ask, are you wondering, becomes, Why doesn't somebody love me? Because when you outsource it to a physical act, it's basically a little kid asking, will you prove it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Will you prove it? Will you prove it? Yeah. And when you get a group of guys, and I'm all about getting a group of guys to meet with, I talk about that all the time, you have to have that. But if the group of guys just sit around and it's this, iron sharpens iron happens through action. It doesn't happen around like, So what did you do? Are you struggling with this? What are your struggles?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
You get what I'm saying? Because it just becomes a one-up. Yeah, it's trying to hack your way around. Do we have to go do stuff together? We have to share a common purpose and mission. And I would be willing to bet there's a lot of secrets held at that table. Fair? Yes. Yeah, I think so. And you might be the open one, which is awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
But I've never seen one of those groups where someone doesn't sit down and be like, hey, I'm cheating on my wife. And it stuns everybody. Or I've been an alcoholic for three years. Everyone's like, what? And they don't know. Now, again, it's not every group. But backing all the way out, let me ask you this. You, Adam, why don't you feel like you're lovable? What is it about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Ah, here we go. Hey, if you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. 1-844-693-3291. Give me a call. For you texters out there, yes, you'll have to call, but a human won't answer. It will just be a recording, and you can leave a message or shoot us a note at johndeloney.com slash ask.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Okay. But she's the last one that sees you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
She sees all my crap. Well, but my guess is she looks at you and says, I, I made a human, I made three humans with you. I make sure this house is running. I make sure like in her mind, like how else do you want me to love you? And what I'm willing to bet is there's a constant escalation. Love look like this. Like, well, can we just make out? Love look like, can we sleep together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Love look like an increasingly that's ramp up the novelty of our sex. Yeah, you're absolutely right. But that's not about her. She's going to scream when she listens to that. Well, here's the thing. It's you chasing a ghost. Will you do a quick experiment with me or a quick exercise with me? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, I want you to close your eyes. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Your old man walks in and sits down. I want you to picture him sitting down. What do you say to him? You can say anything. You can ask him anything. Why was it so difficult to be nice to me? No, that was silver tongue, Adam. Why won't you love me? No. You're just answering that because you want me to answer that. What would you say? I really think that's what I'd say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Talk to him. Talk to him. Talk to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Now, I want you to do something even harder. Imagine you're 10. I want you to look down with your eyes closed and your feet aren't touching the floor. And you see your little feet kicking. I don't know what kind of shoes you wore. I wore little Converse All-Stars when I was a kid. I want you to look at whatever shoes you're kicking. I want you to look back up and see your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
And big time, big time, if you'll hit the subscribe button, if you will share these episodes with your friends, leave five-star reviews, it makes a huge, huge difference for us. Let's roll out to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Adam. Hey, Adam, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
What does 10-year-old Adam ask your old man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
Okay. Probably something simple like, Dad, can we go outside? Hey, Daddy, will you not hit me anymore? Hey, Dad, can you just get off the couch? Can we go play? Look, Dad, I took my shirt in for you. Look, Dad, look. I got another one of those special numbers on this piece of paper that you want so bad. Am I good enough now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Only Feel Loved by My Wife When We Have Sex
So here's your, I guess I'd say, man, is you're not broken. but you have a lot of healing to do. And here's where it is. You've been trying to ROI. You've been trying to solve for that question. And our culture gives us a playbook of lies that are supposed to solve that question. What was so bad about me? What's so bad about mom? What was so bad about me? I was freaking nine. I was 13.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Dude, can I just pause for a second? High five to you, dude. Good on you. Because you didn't act like an idiot. You didn't bang on his door at 3 a.m. But you did good on you. For everybody listening, that's how you handle that situation. So good on you, man. My friends wanted to. Of course they did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And good morning to you, too. Wow. Oh, boy. I love my job. It's so good. All right. So walk me. How old is your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
That's what your buddies are for. That's what your buddies are for, to be like, let's go right now. That's what they're for. But that's a mature, grown-up way to handle this. So you just gave a perfect model of somebody that you love and trust propositions your wife. God forbid that happen to anybody listening. But it does happen. That's how you handle it. she handled it perfectly. She called you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
She said like, here's my boundaries. You got good for you, man. Like that's, that's awesome. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Here's the deal. Her world, that doesn't happen in a vacuum. So that won't be the first time that's happened. She knows there's distance. Like you get what I'm saying? Like y'all see it from one lens. She experiences this on a day in and day out. She knows. that there's something amiss in her marriage. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And if she doesn't, if she's completely clueless, I guess y'all have built 10 years of deep, deep trust. Trust so deep you let her stand in your stead with your children, the most prized possession you have on planet Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And if she were to come home and see your wife with another man, your expectation would be that she would honor your relationship enough to tell you the truth. Fair? Oh, fair, yeah. And vice versa. Your wife would expect her, if she came home to drop the kids off and a young woman was walking out of your house, the right thing to do would be to tell your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so, yeah, I think the external circumstances are heavy and big and all that, but I think it has to come with a boundary. And here's what I mean by that. We're not just telling you to hand you a grenade. We're telling you because we love you and because it's not right for us to keep this from you. And you are always welcome in our home. He is not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay. And so tell me about your brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And, dude, I would be stunned if this is the first time this has come up in their marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah, but that can be a trauma response too. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah. Yeah, because of what she lives with at home. And unfortunately, I have worked in faith-based circles long enough that it doesn't surprise me one bit. Not even a teeny tiny little bit. Those are people too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, here's the deal. She's an adult. Okay. She's an adult. Yeah. She's not, she's not a teenager. She's not a child. She's an adult. And she's a member of your family at this point. And so you sit her down and fax to your friends. You tell her very directly, this is going to be the hardest conversation we've ever had to have with you. And number one, we are not letting you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You are a part of our family. You are always welcome in our home. Number two, here's what happened. Because anytime you sit down, somebody, even if they're this quote-unquote family member or close, she's still an employee, and the first thing she's going to think is y'all letting her go. Okay. You give her a heads up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah, I'm going to say this stuff doesn't – it rarely happens in a vacuum. Maybe they're just star-crossed lovers and – or maybe he's a star-crossed lover, right? I was going to say. And my heart kind of goes out to him, dude. Cause he sounds like me in high school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Like I would talk to a, like a, like a girl in my class, but like I could tell we have, and she's like, yeah, you're telling way wrong. Right. So I just, geez, this is just a whole different level. I think the biggest thing you and your wife need to do is y'all have to deal with the grief violation. Yeah. Like, and it's easy to, when we're grieving, like,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
To put a bunch of weight on all these other things that we know we have to do. And so I want y'all to separate it. And it's the old saying, not by your hand, but in your lap. Right? This guy walked in and blew up 10 years of stability in your life. Yeah. And it may be that at the end of the day, your wife says, I'm not comfortable with her being our nanny anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And I'm like, just hearing this cold, that would probably be my bent. Unfortunately, we can't have you here anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I get that. I get that. But, I mean, just think big picture. And at some point, you may be asking this woman to choose between her marriage and her job. And again, she's an adult. She gets to do what she's going to do. But that's why I say, like, you can't just come with a, hey, we just want to tell you this. He needs to come with a boundary. He cannot come over here anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
He cannot watch our kids anymore. He can't be in his house anymore. I don't want to, he can't text us. He can't call us. The only reason you're allowed back in here is because we trust you implicitly. Yeah. And we're going to strongly recommend he does not show up at any of the people's houses we've recommended because now we feel an obligation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah, and y'all need to make plans for that because she may be super embarrassed, and she may choose to say, I'm going to let y'all go. Yeah. Right? And so, again, somebody walked in your living room, this man, and dropped a grenade in there, and y'all are handling it the best you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But it's just – I think it's going to come with ramifications, and I think you guys trying to preserve what y'all had – is you're going to have to reimagine what is, right? And what that means is you're going to have to reimagine, oh, she's all by herself. If she's going to stay our nanny, he's not welcome here. So if there needs to be an hour gap in coverage, we have to figure that out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Is that something we can still do? Or if we have a nanny that works for us, we need all the gaps covered because that's kind of the role. Or what happens if she quits? She's just embarrassed and ashamed and this has happened before and she quits.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want you all to be really prepared. Man, if I had more time. I'll tell you a 30-second clip. Well, no, I won't get into it. This is several years ago, so I haven't checked the data. But a ton of police officer shootings, when police officers get hurt,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
is when they show up to domestic disputes and they get involved, and the spouse that made the call sees their significant other who was just in the process of abusing them getting arrested, and the person who made the call ends up hurting the officers. Why is that relevant here? I would give it a 50-50 chance
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
That her husband, when she comes home, says that woman asked me to come into the bathroom real quick and she ended up taking all her clothes off and I had to get out of that house as fast as possible. And flips the whole thing and that woman comes at y'all with a vengeance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, even if you do tell her, he controls whatever he wants to say. And the chances of a stage four...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
cancer survivor who's in the midst of it going through it psychologically i can't deal with i can't wrap my head around this part of my life also falling out from underneath me already i can't trust my physical body now i can't trust this guy i've been married to for 20 30 years and so psychologically i have y'all have to become the bad guys otherwise i my my world turns to dust the one blessing that we have in this whole situation was that as it happened
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay, so I would probably lead with that. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But anyway, what's right is to somebody that you trust, who trusts you, you've supported, you've walked alongside, someone who is a family member needs to be told the truth. Particularly given that it was your wife that was propositioned in this deal. And then y'all need to make sure you have that conversation directly, clearly, with a boundary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And I would let her know, hey, we need to have a really challenging conversation. And if you feel obligated, you can tell husband, hey, you guys, you got 24 hours. We're going to have a conversation with her. I don't think he deserves that. I don't think it's worth that. That's y'all's level of relationship. If you feel close to him over 10 years, you might want to give him a heads up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Hey, we're talking to your wife today. Or after you have the conversation, but I wouldn't personally, but you can feel free to do that. Again, not by your hand, but in your lap. Your life as you knew it is now different because this guy...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
blew it up and now it's about what's right for you and your family moving forward how can you love and support this woman if that's even a possibility if she allows that and then you and your wife got to grieve what was it was a pretty awesome setup and unfortunately somebody came and blew it up
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
All you can do is the next right thing for you and your family, and I don't ever want somebody to cash in their character, their integrity. They start holding secrets from loved ones, people that they trust, because it gets weird or awkward. We're going to hang on to our integrity. We're going to go do the next right thing, even if it feels like it blew everything up, but it didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, duh, he's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It may just reveal what somebody else just blew up. Sorry this happened, my brother. Thanks for being a man of character. Let me know how that conversation goes, man. I'm invested in this one now. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. It's February. It's the coldest and the shortest month, although it can seem like the longest month of the year sometimes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Like, if he's asked, like, why is Uncle So-and-So wearing that, you can just say he likes to wear that costume.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Listen, in the past, I've found myself laying around during the winter doldrums more than normal, and I don't do very much, which then makes it hard to sleep, and then I get in this vicious cycle, but I'm gonna tell you this. This year, my Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Now, on most days, I'm able to get right up even when it's cold and dark and do all the stuff I need to do to be my best. I love Helix, and that's why me and my entire family sleeps on Helix mattresses. And we don't all have the same mattress. Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. So take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did, and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in less than two minutes. The Helix President's Day Sale is going on right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You can get 27% off site-wide plus two dream pillows and a sheet set and a mattress protector free with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, Helix. helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And all of the intricacies of the furry community and the identity and all that just madness, he will have zero context for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
All right, let's go out to the 806 Lubbock, Texas and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Sounds like there's a lot to that question. Tell me what does work on yourself mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
causing more problems. Gotcha. All right. Tell me, uh, um, can I probe a little bit? Is that okay? Oh, go for it. How old are your kids? Uh, seven and 15. Say that one more time. Eight, seven and 15. No, just seven and 15, seven and 15. Okay. Seven and 15. Uh, that's a big gap, huh? Yeah. Well, my oldest is not biologically mine, but okay. Okay. Um, number two, how long you've been drinking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
38. Okay. So you started drinking young, huh? Yes. What did drinking get for you? What did it help with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And my guess is this isn't happening in a vacuum. Has your brother had struggles since you've known him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay. All right. And what's the last, uh, 20 years been like college wise, work wise, what you've been doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yes. That's a good way to put it. Okay. Yeah. I spent a lot of years with some of my close buddies who are oil field guys. When it's good, man, it's like an ATM machine. When it's bad, it is caustic. It's tough. Tough, tough, tough. Oh, yeah. And nobody teaches 19-year-olds who suddenly find themselves with $180,000 Hey, two years from now, you're going to have 11 grand. So hang on to it, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Nobody teaches anybody how to do that. So it's just rollercoaster central. Tell me about your wife, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
All right. So one of them is seven. So what, why now? Like, so, I mean, you've been modeling it for seven years. So why now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Well, duh. He's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yes, that's it. Exactly. Peace within myself. Why don't you like you? I don't know that I've ever really liked myself. I know. I can tell. Why not? Because your wife sure as hell does. Your seven-year-old does. That 15-year-old boy you came into his life, he does. Why don't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You ever said that out loud? To a couple of people, but not very often. Okay, I want you to sit on that for a second. How old was that little boy when it started? Six. All the way up to when you were an early teenager? Yeah, when I was 13 is when it stopped. Why'd it stop?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You have a seven-year-old little boy right now. Just keep that picture in your head. When you were six or seven years old, it wasn't up to you to protect that kid. But when you see that little seven-year-old, it sets off every alarm you have, doesn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah. I'm sorry that happened, man. That shouldn't have happened. And that's a recipe for as long as that went on and for as old as you were. That's a recipe for deep, deep shame and deep, deep rage. Oh, yeah. Both of those. And I can't get rid of the rage. I know. It's going to go. But I need you to know this is going to sound nuts. And I bet nobody will tell you this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But for hanging on for 20 years, even if you had to do it with a bottle of Jack next to you, I'm proud of you for hanging on for 20 years. I think sometimes we see people, what they had to do to survive. And it's like critiquing somebody's swim stroke when the boat sinks and they're out in the middle of the ocean. What I'm looking at is a guy that got himself back to shore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And there's probably a wake of decisions you wish you could have back and you probably hurt some people and said some stupid stuff, but you made it back to shore. And for some reason you woke up on the 1st of January 2025 and you decided I'm done. I'm going to be a different kind of man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But I don't know what to do. You are doing it right now. Well, it sure doesn't feel like it. I know. Because somebody told you along the way it's going to feel a certain way and it's going to take a long time. So the first night I actually was in your neck of the woods. I drove several hours into Lubbock, Texas, where I knew a physician who was a close, close friend of mine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And when I walked, that's when I walked in and said, I'm not okay. I drove from another city in Texas. I drove all the way to Lubbock because I knew a guy and I trusted him. And then my trust was so thin. And I remember we talked for hours and hours and I left with a script, with a prescription for some anxiety medicine. And I remember calling a buddy who I knew had taken medicine before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Honestly, I would not think into the diagnostic if I were you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And I told him, I don't want to take it. I'm a failure. I'm a loser, yada, yada, yada. And here's what he told me. He said, look, man, you think you're going to wake up tomorrow after taking this pill and everything's going to be like this fake sunshine. That's not how it works. And what he went on to tell me is he tore his bicep lifting weights. And he had to go to months of rehab.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And every time he picked up a fork, every time he tried to open a door handle, it just hurt like a searing pain. So he went to rehab. He went to rehab. He went to rehab. He did all the stuff, all these stupid exercises. And this is kind of a jack dude forced to like doing like little finger walks up the wall with his two little fingers, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And then he said one day he was at the print shop and a box fell. And he reached up and grabbed it. just instinctually to protect somebody. And he realized, hey, my arm doesn't hurt. No way. And he said, that's how the meds are going to work. And that's how healing ultimately is. And so right now, you have gone to sit down. Have you gone to meetings? Is that what you're starting to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I would think into how can I love my brother who's been hurting most of his life, right? How can I be compassionate? And how can I draw the boundaries that are best for our family? And so if it were my house, again, I can only – everybody's different, okay? If it were my house, I would say you're welcome to wear whatever you want to at my house, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Okay. So you walk and you're sitting in there and you're on the rattling edge of not having a drink. You're dealing with the credit card bills from the holidays. You're dealing with an economy that's up and down and kind of all over the place. You're dealing with West Texas. I'll tell you what they should be doing. That kind of stuff, right? You've been dealing with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And you and I both know that one drink would make everything a little bit quieter. But you've committed not to. And now you're going to these meetings. You're just listening to these old guys just tell their stories and tell their stories and tell their stories. And it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But if you keep going,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And you're not a lurker and you start participating and you go into your counselor and you say, okay, I've been here for four weeks or five weeks. I want to start practicing some actual things at my house on a daily basis that will dissipate this rage. And I'll give you a couple of things I want you to do. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But what's going to happen is six months from now, your seven-year-old is going to do some stupid seven-year-old thing and you're going to laugh. And you're going to remember this story I told you about my buddy who caught the box. And you're going to go, oh my gosh, I would have gone into a rage. And you'll know I'm on the path now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Or your wife's going to come home and say, hey, my hours just got cut and you really needed the, y'all need the money. And you're going to go into a problem solver mode. You're not going to get up and go straight to the fridge and grab a beer. And then you can smile and go, no way. I'm on the path. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. The hardest part for you is not the big decision. You made that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
The hardest part for you is the continual grinding, the tiny, tiny step by step by step, inch by inch that you're going to look up in six months and realize I just walked a thousand miles. You're the guy that's 150 pounds overweight that said never again. And you're in day 12 of going to the gym and it just sucks. You're sore. Everything hurts. You hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And you just want, you just want to go back to the way it was, but you made a commitment. So will you do something with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Um, where did you grow up? West Texas. Okay. So let's pretend I'm going to make up a little West Texas town, La Mesa, tiny little West Texas town. Let's pretend you and I are La Mesa. And I look well. And I'm you, except I'm seven. And I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're looking at your seven-year-old self.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
He's sitting in a chair and you're sitting in a chair and you're about four feet apart from each other. What would you tell that seven-year-old you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
What else? I can't picture me at seven. Okay. Picture your seven-year-old. Repeat after me. What's happening to you is not your fault. What's happening to you is not your fault. There should be adults here protecting you and they're not here and I'm sorry. There should be an adult here protecting you and there's not and I'm sorry. But we're going to hang on and we're going to hang on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I'm going to ask you to not wear a humongous like dog hat, like a helmet at the table. Yeah. The same as I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And I identify as a sports fan. So I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And so you can wear your costume. I mean, you can wear your outfit or whatever. That's fine. I don't care what you're wearing. But here, we want to be able to talk to everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You're going to hang on. And when we get grown up, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting the young kids in our world. And when we get grown, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting those kids. And that starts with me looking at you, seven-year-old self, telling you I love you. This is not your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Because right now you have a seven-year-old, you have an enraged 12 and 13-year-old who don't know anything to do to protect you other than to clinch their fist and swing at everything or duck and cover. And my guess is you've toggled between both of those in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Sobriety is a piece of it. Dealing with the rage is a piece of it. Letting that 8, 9, 10-year-old version of you finally go play. La Mesa's not a great place to play in, but we're going to let that kid go play. I'd love to. Here's what we're doing this year. We're solving for peace. And so here's what I want you to commit to, and I'll be in it with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want you to commit to keep going to meetings. Do I got your commitment on that? Oh, yes. Okay. I want you to, next time you go see a counselor, I want you to demand an action plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want to be screaming, I need help. Okay. Then what we're going to do is we're going to brush our shoulders off. We're going to go find a new counselor. Because the big modern myth in mental health care is not always, but often, that if you just get all the thoughts in the right order, everything works out. And it's not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You got to go act differently, especially when you've spent 20 years trying to survive. You have to learn new actions, new ways of doing things. For you, you're going to have to practice some mindfulness techniques, not an old man sitting on a cloud going, oh, that's not what I mean. But you're going to have to learn how to exhale. You're going to learn how to go for a walk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and this sideways world that we're all working to right side up. Inside our homes, inside our cars, inside our... We're all doing our part to make this place a little bit better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You got to learn to laugh and drop your shoulders on purpose. And those are just things you got to practice. That's it. You're going to have to learn really carefully, precisely what your triggers are. What are the things that when it happens, you want to reach for a drink and then you just have to come up with different plans. This is things you practice over time. These are actions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And just bringing a guy out of the oil field just to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is, it's important the first couple of sessions I got to get to know you. But man, we got to get on some homework assignments that are going to help. Okay? And so, we're going to find a new counselor. And that's great. It's not a big deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so it just is what it is what it is. And if there needs to be some boundaries, if some of my favorite people on the planet, I've talked about it before. Some of my favorite people on the planet have borderline personality disorder. It can be really tough. And I have some pretty firm boundaries. You can't talk to me a certain way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Number one, yes, there are meetings here. Number two, you need to have a sponsor that you can text when the demons call at nighttime. The third thing is somehow a story has been connected in your mind that – letting loose and letting go equals freedom. And because you're so clenched fighting demons every minute of every day, that's all you got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
When you solve for peace every minute of every day, and you're not going to war every minute of every day, then you don't have anything to escape from at nighttime. Does that make sense? Yeah, it sounds good. I know, I know. It's like, okay, good. So here's what I mean.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You're not in a place where a vacation for you coming to Nashville, Tennessee in February is a thing you can do that's not highly, highly scripted. And it might be, this is not a quote unquote relaxing weekend or trip. Mine never are. I know. But let's make it a challenge in a positive direction, not an unleading that causes all kinds of relational damage on the other side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So you know when I'm out on vacation... Here is usually what I'm aiming for at the end of the night. I would love for you to sit down with your wife and say, can we plan this? Even if we have to go, we get scripts during when I'm on live events. They're called MBMs. They're minute by minute. And so that's where y'all are right now. And that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It's actually going to make you have a better trip because here's what you're going to do. You're going to sit down with your wife. You're going to say, let's dream about how we want this vacation to feel at 10 o'clock every night of the week we're on this trip. I want it to feel like, ah, okay, cool. What must be true? Cause I'm not drinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And it may be, y'all come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to a movie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But we'll, we'll have held hands. Come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to the teapack and go watch a play. Right? Like, so it's, it's, we're, We're going to plan this thing together. And that may be the greatest vacation thing you can do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
If you're gonna swear at me and tell me you hate me or whatever, then I'm gonna hang up the phone. And then when you're doing better, then give me a call, right? And when you tell me I'm the greatest that's ever lived, I'm not, and I know that, right? So I'm not gonna get hung up on that. But also, they're pretty amazing people and they can be fun and hilarious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And it may also be you get into February and your head over heels into recovery and your head over heels into a great therapist and you back up and say, hey, this trip in February, we're going to punt it to April. Because right now I've done enough, just enough counseling that the scabs are starting to come off and things are pretty raw.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so me hopping on a plane is just a recipe for landing six beers in. Or we're coming to Nashville, Tennessee, and we're going to go down to Broadway. And that's just not a good idea, man, because there's alcohol everywhere. It's okay. Great. Cool. And I hang out with people all the time who are stone sober. Professional musicians and comedians who, like, they can be around all day long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
They just don't even, like, meh. And so you'll get there. You're just not there yet. That's all right. You're training for a marathon. And you can do the couch to one mile. Great. You're on the path, man. Here's your homework assignment, brother. I want you to write a letter to 7-year-old you. And I want you to write a letter to 13-year-old you. And I want you to tell them, I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It was not their fault. Everything that happens starting today, you're going to take responsibility for. You're going to make the calls. You're going to get a new counselor. You're going to do the exercise. You're going to practice sleep. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I want that to be your blueprint for you and your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
for building a life that is surrounded by peace. And for you, sobriety is going to be a part of that for a while, if not forever. Great. And we're going to meet with a good trauma therapist of which I know are in West Texas. And if you have to drive an hour or two, great. But we're going to get on the path or stay on it actually. I am proud of you. You call me anytime, anytime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I'll have you on the show anytime you cut to the front of the line and we'll walk with you. I'm proud of you, my brother. Day 12. You're on it, man. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And so I'm not gonna live by the diagnostic. I'm gonna live by boundaries. I'm gonna live by compassion. I'm gonna live by love. Because the other reality is somebody who has watched enough on the internet and gotten in enough chat rooms and gone through, like, even met up with people, like, he's searching for a community and he's searching for an identity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all of the time, all day, every day, It can be tough to even know, what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all of those flag colors. Listen, how can you learn what you actually value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Therapy can help you figure out what your values are. It can help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships. And therapy can help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapist at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Kelly, give us something cool that happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
amazing way to go and if you are in a situation where you haven't talked to your parents in two or three years you haven't talked to your brothers and sisters for two three five ten years I just believe in redemption man I wouldn't do this show if I didn't believe in it and I always think today is a new day today is a new day you can start and like I'm gonna make that phone call or I'm gonna do it so awesome awesome awesome and I'm glad that we got to be a part of that journey um that's a good way to end the show today that brings me some joy to my hearts that's what I live for
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You're not going to live very long because that is not one of your skill sets. Hey, everybody, thank you for being with us. Love you guys. Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. Send this show to somebody that you love, that matters to you. And if you will take 10 seconds and leave a five-star review on one of the various internet platforms, it means the world. Thank you all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
What that means is he's hurting. And I will always welcome hurting people at my table. And... Three-year-olds are really, really malleable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Both positively and negatively. And chances are by the time that three-year-old is 13, your brother will be on to another thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So I don't want to overthink it. I think for you, I don't want this. I don't want your three-year-old to become the proxy war and a lifelong struggle with trying to connect with your brother. And here we go again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I want you to own your grief and your good God. You know what I mean? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And, um, are there other family members participating in this or is it just, yeah, it's just, that's just brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if, um, if I showed up and to my nieces and nephews house and they Googled, um, What is a midlife crisis wannabe punk rocker who's kind of a B-level YouTuber? There'd be a rabbit hole on that Google search too, right? And so, yeah, that's more your concern than the three-year-olds. Three-year-olds will know they have a fun uncle who dresses up great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And three turning four, turning five, the days of your kid thinking that there's a live wildcat that's human size at a basketball game are coming to an abrupt end, right? Yeah. And so I think it's all good and it's all – I would just, again, compassion plus boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It's not going to come from the top down. Change is going to come from our neighborhoods, from our homes, from our classrooms, from our church buildings. It's going to come from the inside out. So I'm so grateful that you're with us trying to figure out what's the next right move. Shows real people going through real challenges. If you want to join us, I'd love to have you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And if he throws a fit and says, you don't love me and you hate me and I won't come to your table if I can't wear my helmet. I don't know what you call him. His true face or his true head. I don't know what you call it. Then you can tell him, dude, we're going to so miss you. And I hate that you're opting out here. We love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
It's important for all of us to be able to see our faces and to talk to each other. I don't get to see you very often. And I hated that you don't want to be here. But there's always going to be a seat for you. And then he gets to opt out because he's an adult too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You know what I mean? But I always want somebody to hold their side of my boundary. Like here's where I draw a line and you get to opt in or out. And I sure hope you opt in. But I understand if you need to opt out. It'll make me sad. It'll break my heart. I may have to grieve it. But I understand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
He's lucky to have you as a sister. You've loved him for a long time, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And been frustrated for a long time, too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Both and. Well, he's lucky to have you, and your three-year-old's lucky to have you, too. I would suggest you, and this is going to sound strange, I would suggest you get off the internet with the Google searches, too. And I would love the person in front of me, not the Internet caricature or the Internet. The most sensational thing, the algorithm kicks up in front of me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
I would love my brother in front of me and I would hold on to my boundaries there, too. Thanks for the call, Laura. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. I've got some stats that will shock you. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
And because all of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become totally normal to, like, give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order food from the internets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the worldwide web. This is why I'm so happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at the reports my friends at DeleteMe have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Call and leave a message. We'll take your calls from all over the planet. 1-844-693-3291 or write in, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. You can fill out the form and get on it. We'd love, love, love to have you. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Laura. What's up, Laura?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, going through all of these different sites, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Individual Delete.me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's talk about TrainWell, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So if you're ready to finally start an exercise program or you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready to shake things up, you You've got to check out train. Well, I use it. My wife, my coworkers and their spouses, everybody I know is using train. Well, every single day and the results have been off the charts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Train will offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis and the results have been extraordinary. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get stronger and better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes exercise easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. And for everybody listening, they've extended their special offer. Just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February, that's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate. Plus you get 14 days of free training.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney. That's trainwell.net slash Deloney. Let's roll out to San Bernardino, California and talk to Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark. What's up, Mark? Good morning. How we doing, brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Absolutely, man. Oh, yeah. It's super early where you are, man. Thanks for getting up so early with us. No worries. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
Oh, awesome. And good morning to you, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife
So evidently she wasn't looking at him like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I would not do this show if I didn't believe in redemption.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And I know that's easy to be like, they never change. I would not do this show if I didn't think people could change. So 36 months, three years. Okay. I think there's time for a symbolic moment. What I mean by that is you write him a letter that says, I'm going all in again. And if you hurt me, you're going to kill me. And then you begin to practice peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And don't lose sight of your gut and don't lose sight of the things that you need to feel, uh, trust in your own home to feel peace. But I think y'all have been solving for pornography. You'll been solving for friendship. You've been solving for, I did the dishes. So we have to have sex. You've been solving for, you need to go to the gym.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
You're not like, you need to tighten your body back up after four, right? You've been dealing with all that crap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Beneath that, I want you to begin to solve for peace. What must be true for me to go into my own home and drop my shoulders? I know I'm a stay-at-home mom. We're going to have a house cleaner because I need some help. I know I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm going to hire two high school kids to come over and play with the kids Monday through Friday because I need human interaction with adults.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Hmm. I've come to hate that question, so tell me more. And it's not you. I don't hate you. I think you're wonderful. Good to meet you, Brittany.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I'm going crazy. I'm lonely. So here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to get off the phone and say, well, this man told me I have to fill in the blank. I want you to hear the opposite. This man told me to get off the phone. And I'm finally going to exhale in my own house again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And for the first time, I'm going to stop trying to moderate his behavior like I'm his mom. I am going to begin to solve for peace in my house. Here's what peace looks like and feels like. Brittany, you call anytime. Tell your husband to call me too. I've been talking to him as well. All right, let's go out to Quebec, Canada. Hey, and talk to Lynn. What's up, Lynn?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
What are you trying to commit to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I think that question is very surfacy. So walk me through what's going on in your world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
If you don't know where you want to go and you don't know what you want to do and you don't, more importantly, um, again, I think like finding your passion, I think that's idiotic. That's a, that's a terrible thing to start out with. Um, I think a, a better thing to do is to seek out who can I help? Who can I serve?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And if it is, I can be the best waiter for exhausted families after 6 o'clock p.m., I'm going to do that while I figure out what's going on. Or I want to be a therapist, or I want to build bridges, or I want to... Like I called the guy yesterday to fix the gutters on my house. Dude was amazing. He's on time. He said, I'll get you a quote by this afternoon. He got me a quote by this afternoon.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
It was a fair quote. Like that dude's giving me a lot of peace in my house. He's taking care of my largest investment, which is my home, right? So whatever it is, whoever it is you want to help is a good driver. I would not spend the money on university to stumble around and quote unquote find your path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Because I think you can find yourself in a whole bunch of debt. You can find yourself with a whole bunch of credits and be like, yeah, stupid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Yeah. Yeah. Good call. And dude, so it sounds like you've got a path. What are you nervous about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Did you know that one of the people that was my dissertation advisor, one of my first ones from my first PhD, the person was let go. And the person who became my advisor told me that, and she was an amazing woman, Dr. Jacobs. She's just awesome. But she told me that she was given a list of students, and mine was at the top of them, of students who wouldn't make it. Would never finish. Flighty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Just kind of all over the place. Not going to do it. Did you know I was at the top of that list that they handed her? Yeah, we sound similar. Lynn, I didn't see it either, man. And I ended up with not one, but two PhDs. And now I help a whole bunch of people after spending my whole life trying to avoid the internets. So here's the thing that has given me life. And you and I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I've come to hate that question, so tell me more. That question is very surface-y. So, I feel like there's something you're not telling me. Like there's a thing beneath the thing. What am I missing here? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. So glad, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
We sound very similar, okay? By the time I was 26, I had multiple jobs. And they were good jobs. They were careers for people. And I was going from thing to thing to thing. But here's what always was the North Star. I liked helping students. I like helping people. And if you love being with kids... then think of university not as, I'm going to university.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Think of university as, I'm going to go get some concrete skills, how I can better help young people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Because I want to serve kids. I want to be there for them. I want to teach moms how to do that job well. And maybe I'll open a daycare. Maybe I'll work at a daycare. Maybe I'll become a child psychologist one day. Maybe I'll have a YouTube show one day. But like the thing that has given me peace throughout my life is to follow the next right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And if you've been laid off three times because of the economy, people say, man, you are amazing. I just can't afford you right now. I'm so sorry. And then somebody gobbles, snaps you up, and they're like, oh, thank God, we got you, Lynn. And then they have to let you go because they get laid off or their hours get cut or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
You're so wise to not just keep banging your head on the like, oh, what? You're doing the next right thing. I'm going to go get some skills. And maybe you work with a different demographic, right? So you're not a nanny in somebody's house, but you're working at a low-income daycare. And you're getting some skills with a different set of people who need some help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
You get what I'm saying? I think you're on the right path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Yeah, here's what sucks about confidence. You have to go through it to get it. And that's probably the greatest lie of your generation is that confidence is something that somebody else can give you that you can go use in the world. Confidence can only be found inside your chest after you've done a thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So if you want to get confidence, and by the way, I just by listening to you, you've been told you can't your whole life, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Your whole freaking life. And yet you keep showing up to work and you keep doing a good job. And people are telling you, no, you can, and you can, and you can. And you're beginning to go, dude, I think I can. And you're at war with those voices. Because the voices, those stories that people make up about you and they told you all your life over time, they become the stories you tell yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And the stories you've been telling yourself about, I'm just not that kind of person. I'm just not a university kind of person. I don't need to do that. I'm just a nanny. That's all I'm ever going to be, is crashing into people who are paying you, hey, I trust you to be with my kids when I'm gone. You do a great job. And so you've got two competing stories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And the only way to find out the truth is take the next right step. So if you're my daughter, if you were my sister, if you were a close friend of mine, I would tell you two things. I would tell you to go get a job at a local daycare center if you can, even if it's way less than you normally make. Because you are still in the skills acquisition phase. You're building confidence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
But you're also like, one second, that's always symptomatic. So that also means you're married to somebody who is a shell of themself or who is, doesn't like the skin he inhabits, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Not just because you can deal with wealthy people's kids. You can work with anybody's kids with any kind of struggles, and you can only learn how to do that by just going to do it. So I'm going to take long hours. I'm going to work really hard. And I'm going to start taking some university classes so I can get some credence. Hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I'm going to send you a copy of Own Your Past, Change Your Future. It's your arc. I wrote that book for you. I'm going to give you a free copy of it, all right? But go get a job. Go get an 8 to 5 job clocking in, making half of what you've been making, a third of what you've been making to learn some new skills. You're still in the investment phase. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Go take a couple of classes on child studies. Get something that will lead to a certification, not just mindless family studies. It's going to lead you to a certification that you can use in the marketplace. Go pick up those skills. Kids are going to be lucky that you did. We'll be right back. All right. Hey, listen, I'm excited to share three major updates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
My show is put out by the Ramsey Network, and there is a new Ramsey Network app. So first, the newest episode of my docuseries, United States of Anxiety, is available. It's available exclusively in the Ramsey Network app, and it follows real people from my show as they embark on a 90-day journey to transform their lives, and I personally walk alongside them. Everybody always wonders, like,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
does this stuff actually work over time? So this is that show. It's just like calling my bluff. I walk with somebody for 90 days, give them homework assignments. It's the show lived out over three months and we watch people transform and it's amazing. And my full show is now in video. It's on video in the app and the episodes of the Dr. John Deloney show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
If you just can't wait, you just can't wait. They're now available a week early in the Ramsey network app. So So you can get everything early, exclusive, and for free. Click on the link in the show notes, and you can download the Ramsey Network app today. All right, let's go out to Asheville, North Carolina, and talk to Katie. Hey, Katie, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Oh, man. Your body's telling you the truth. You make peace with your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Okay. So have you sat out in the front yard, look around, and ask, why me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So I think the first thing I want you to do is to stop going to war with your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
You should feel anxious for a season. Okay. Your whole city is gone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Right? That beautiful downtown district, one of my favorite places in the United States, it's gone. It doesn't exist anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Your body should be anxious. A show just released yesterday when we're recording this, or at least, yeah, Monday, with the great David Kessler. It's a two-part series, and I want you to listen to that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
The thing that most people skip in this process is grief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Good gosh. Hold on, hold on. Start with that first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
It's not a thing you could have done. Yeah. Okay. And I know you're in great shape and you're a good runner and you're probably a little bit of an Asheville prepper like they all are in Asheville, which I love them for. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
What happened is your community got hit by a bomb. Right. There's not a plan for when a meteorite hits. And that's what happened to y'all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And the people I know in Asheville, I know there's an extraordinary, just magical arch district in Asheville, but my friends who live there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
in an ironic twist of fate, picked Asheville because it feels disconnected from the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
This is our haven, away from all you crazy people. It's a pretty great place. But it's not supposed to happen there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
That's right. That's why we moved here, so that y'all suckers would have the storms. Here's, I don't want you to think about managing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And I want you to think about processing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I want you to think about just being real sad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And his final moments were protecting your grandmother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And I want you to process, I lost my city. I lost my town. I lost vibrancy. I lost the heartbeat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Of a magical little mountain community. Yeah. We're not going to manage that. Yeah, we're not going to process this. We're going to be really sad. Yeah. And some of that might be, I'm going to write my granddad a letter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Tell him what he meant to me, how much I love him. If I'm feeling real gangster, I'm going to read it to my grandmother and to my mom and my dad. If I'm real, real gangster, everybody in my family is going to write granddad a letter and we're all going to read them to each other. As David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. You can't just get in your house and figure this out by yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Yes. And there's a weird feeling. There's a strain. I grew up in Houston where there's hurricanes and things go like. Right. There is a unmooring feeling when you're in the 21st century surrounded by cars and air conditioners and your stomach drops and you're like, oh, we're on our own.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
That's right. That's what I talk about you going out in the front yard and looking around and being like, why me? Why do we make it? Right. Right. So what most people never talk about and it's not culturally cool to talk about. And again, David Kessler talks about in that episode. I want you to go check it out. Definitely. Is post-traumatic growth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
We don't realize on this side of the hurt how much stronger we can be on the other side if we will sit in the sadness. We will honor the grief. We won't go to war with our bodies trying not to feel anxious and masking anxiety with pills and drugs and running and all that. I'm going to be sad. I'm going to be heartbroken. And there's something powerful about recognizing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I thought I had every variable under control and I didn't realize how tightly I was gripping the world. Yeah. At any moment, it can rain and just not stop raining. And my kids can't see it. And here's the thing that happens. Your hands open up. Right. Some people will respond to this by tightening even more every variable in their life and they will suffocate themselves to death. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Others will open their hands and say, I'm going to do the next right thing. I want you to write a letter to the storm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And I want you to acknowledge what that storm took from you. How indiscriminate her damage was. Yeah. And then I want you to let that storm know, here's who I'm going to become as a mom, as a wife, as a citizen of this community today. Here's what you've unleashed in me, in my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Okay. Yeah, absolutely. And if you can get a couple of your weird Asheville friends, my favorite people in the world, if you can get a couple of your weird Asheville friends, I want y'all to all write letters to storms. And by the way, if you're in Nebraska, you can write a letter to a storm. Asheville people, y'all understand writing letters to storms. I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I want y'all to write letters to storms and I want y'all to read them to each other. I want y'all to process this. I say process. I want y'all to be in this together. Tell the stories. Tell the stories. And put a new picture in your head about what's going to happen My heart's broken for your family and the loss of your life with your granddad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
What an amazing guy who was protecting people till the end. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, you got to. Email and internet communication, they call it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
God, the guy's so good, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Two days before Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
If you're sitting there at your in-laws' house and you're like, I wish I was not here. I'm in grief. We got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
We have had a run of guests where I leave and I'm different when I leave.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So, um, so yeah, you got four years, a decade plus, so including the time y'all dated. So you're going on a decade and a half ish, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I just leave and I'm like, all right, I'm going to make some changes in my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So rad. All right, everybody, check out that interview. If you haven't checked out the interview with David Kessler, go check it out. Download the Ramsey app and please go to the YouTubes and hit the subscribe button. It helps us out. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Okay. And y'all are considering calling it. Tell me about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Every day I wake up and I'm like, man, I'm running a scam called a podcast and a YouTube show. It's so great that you're with us. and helping me with my scam. We're talking about your mental and emotional health. We're talking about your relationships. For 20 years, I've been sitting in the messy lives of hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I feel like pornography is a distraction here. And I feel like because it's sexualized and because it's a form of betrayal, it's easy to put everything on top of that. But you've been married to a guy that you have been a figurine in his action figure fantasy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Y'all have never truly been a partnership. And if I hear you correctly, so tell me if I'm wrong, Three years ago, he said enough is enough, and he stopped treating you as a figurine, and he started getting to the bottom of why he was hurting so much, and you stayed. In fact, y'all made another kid together. And he has, in your exact words, become the man of your dreams.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
But now you're choosing to not reengage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
That doesn't sound like, because it sounds like he has for three years, 36 months, it sounds like he has healed the trust. It sounds like he is doing the things. He's becoming the husband that you fantasized him becoming. The words, I can't get there, I don't think that's true. You can choose to not get there. And in a strange twist, you can choose to leave your marriage. You can make that choice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
You're a grown-up. But the phrase, I just can't get there. I don't buy it. Did something happen recently for you to call? Or is it just at the end of three years, you're just like, nah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Yeah, and the whole, like, my daughters deserve to be treated as queens, I don't buy that either. Your daughters deserve to have somebody that they co-create a world with together. And yes, treated right and supported and loved and provided for and also equally heard and equally have a seat at the table. Like all of that stuff, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So the reason I don't like, the reason like the should we stay together for the kids or is it better just to get divorced? That presupposes a foregone conclusion. One or both of us have quit the marriage. We're done. So is it better for us to just stay together, done? Or is it better for us to get divorced? My answer to that is always neither. The best thing is to rebuild something totally new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And now I get to do it on the internet with all of you. So grateful that you're with us. If you'll take one second, real quick, and just stop, collaborate, and hit subscribe, wherever you happen to be. it makes a huge difference. We're so close to the million subscriber mark. And man, every one of you guys, men and women who are out there who hit the subscribe button, it makes a huge difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So that's best choice. The next choice, no. Teaching your kids that we're just going to be friends and we're going to have people on the side. That's never a good option. Yeah. This is going to be about ego and this is going to be about fantasy and this is going to be about blowing up pictures. This is going to be about blame. This is going to be about splitting estates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
It's going to be a big old mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So no, none of this will be quote unquote good for your kids. I'd say an environment where kids feel that the two adults in our house are acting very childish.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And so in a perfect world, y'all swipe the deck clean. If you're saying, I don't want to do that anymore, or we've swiped the deck clean three times, four times, five times, and he keeps blowing his side of the table up, and so I'm going to end this marriage, own that step. I just don't like the – because our culture says words like, well, this marriage just ran its course. I just don't buy that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I just can't get back there. I'm going to choose to not do those things. I'm going to choose that, and that's okay. Make your choice. But I want it to be something that everybody owns, not this inevitable, well, it just is what it is what it is. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So you standing tall and saying, I deserve to not have 10 years of somebody cheat on me. I deserve 10 years of not being gaslit and yelled and screamed at in my own house. I deserve to not be a action figure in somebody's fantasy life where they're going to have all this money and I'm going to be a trophy. And oh my gosh, my body changed because I have four kids, four of your kids, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And now suddenly I'm less than, I'm not good. I'm worth less. So I feel like there's something you're not telling me. Like there's a thing beneath the thing. What am I missing here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I'm so tired. Does his changes alter the dynamic of your marriage to a point where you feel uncomfortable?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
It sounds like you have identified forgiveness and new growth as you lost, as a one loss.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Because I can imagine his side. He's treated you bad for five, six, seven, nine years. And finally his whole world blows up and he's like, I'm ready to make the changes. And he's trying to follow the path you cut for him. And again, I don't want to defend the guy. I don't know the guy. But it sounds like y'all made a plan together. Y'all been going to therapy for three years and you made a plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So thank you so, so much. All right, let's roll out to Las Vegas, Nevada, home of the great Michael Easter. And we're going to talk to Brittany. What's up, Brittany?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
And he's following the plan. And now you don't like the kindness. Tell me what you really want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So here's the scary thing. Here's the scary thing. Number one, I just want to tell you, I think you're brave. I think you've been working hard. And if your story is to be trusted, and I always trust people who call the show, not always, most of the time, he's been working his butt off too. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
The only way you ever find out if this is for real is if you risk getting hurt again. Here's why I'm pushing around the edges. I don't hear somebody that wants to be divorced. I hear somebody that's so freaking tired of not having their home be a place of peace. Be fully honest with me. What is it that still makes you feel unsafe? Does your gut know that he's still cheating on you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Have you laid out on a map for him the things that you still need to do to make sure trust is secure?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
I know you don't. none of us like doing the things that we got to do to rebuild trust. It's one of the worst things, but I'm asking you what, what, what would it take to rebuild trust? What's the roadmap there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
Okay. And you don't feel like he has that right now or 90% of it. And then he gets upset and frustrated because he's working so hard and it's just not enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So I don't know the ins and outs. So you and I could talk for a couple of hours on what you've endured over the last 10 years. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should We Stay Married for the Sake of Our Kids?
So I can't make the call for you. If you choose to end your marriage, I want you to stand up and throw your shoulders back and say, I am ending this marriage. Take ownership, okay? Okay. If you listen to the words you just said and you said, no, no, no, I think we can make something beautiful. And you've got 12 months, 24 months, 36 months of a changed guy. And I say this with all respect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
forgive yourself to practice to catch yourself in bad habits those lightning bolts will pop in your head some days when you're tired you've had too much junk food they'll really hang around you're gonna keep working on it you're gonna keep working on it because you are worth being loved it's been an honor to talk to you my friend marie thank you so much for calling we'll be right back
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
It was wild in the streets, man. But I'm slowly coming back. Slowly but surely. But dang, Gina. I'm struggling. It's all right, though. Right? I've got your shining face looking right at me, Kelly. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Hey everybody, Easter is just around the corner and it's one of the most important days of the Christian calendar. Easter is a season of spring, which means new life and freedom that goes beyond feeling good in any one moment. It's about real lasting freedom that comes from being intentional, choosing peace, and finding and trusting God. And that's why I love what Hallow is doing this Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
They're offering a special prayer series focused on finding interior freedom, letting go of the stress, worry, and that constant need to try to control everything. Their prayer series is about finding peace by trusting in God's love and grace and mercy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
These short prayers and reflections are designed to help you keep building on those daily habits you started during Lent so that you can carry that sense of peace into Easter and beyond. And that's just one of thousands of songs, prayers, and meditations on Hallow's amazing app. And they help you stay grounded and connected every single day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
So download Hallow right now and get three months free at Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash deloney. Again, that's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, .com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets all day, every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter. It's here and it's happening. Everything in my life and everything in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our health portals, our personal messages and communications, where we live, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our life exists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And because so much of our life takes place on the internet now, somehow it just became normal over time to just give away our address or our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. Ugh. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at the reports that my friends at Delete.me have sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
They reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers that potentially had access to my information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete.me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent detailed reports to me showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
We can't really avoid the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash deloney right now. That's joindeleteme.com slash deloney and save. All right, let's go out to Tracy, California and talk to Rome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah, it wasn't great. But today, and we're back. Let's go out to Kona, Hawaii, and talk to dear Marie, my favorite John Mayer song. What's up, Marie?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
What's up, Rome? How you doing, Dr. Ron? I'm good, brother. What's up in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
A lot of chaos, man. Well, how can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Hmm. I always, how old are you? I am 35, 35. Yeah. I, I, I guess I don't put a lot of stock in quote unquote, finding your passion. Um, tell me, tell me what's beneath the question. What's been going on in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Well, I guess first off, I would throw out any notion that you're going to have a single job for the next 30 years. We're about to go through, or we're going through, one of the most significant upheavals in work history and human civilization. So I wouldn't count on the next 30 years Often when people ask me the question you're asking me when I'm out on the road, it comes from a different place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And that is you're trying to find a place that you can go, a thing that you can do that will make you feel like you're finally worthy or finally have some sort of purpose in the world. Does that sound right? Yeah. So tell me the last, since you've been 21, that's the last 14 years bouncing around from job to job to job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Um, you've, have you increasingly found yourself just not liking Rome, not liking the guy you see in the mirror?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
What do you see yourself doing long term?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I think that's the problem, that you keep taking these new jobs, these great opportunities, and you keep going with you. Like you become the common denominator here. And you have a six-month-old baby. You're working a job. You don't love it, but it makes good money. It's paying for the bills. Are you married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. So is it covering the bills in your house, taking care of your family? It is. Brother, that's noble. Like, exhale on that. It's not your passion. Great. Like, people who tell you to go find your passion, man, they're snake oil salesmen. most people become passionate about what they're really good at. And you get really good at something by doing it over and over and over again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And that means you fail a lot. People make you do it. You show up because you get arbitrary deadlines. Right? So it's a process.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
But you're apart. You're 35 years old, man. You were the students in college when I was a professor and a dean of students. You guys were told that it would feel a certain way when you got there, and they lied to you, man. My generation, we lied to you, and I'm sorry on behalf of everybody. It still is every day you wake up, and it's really hard. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And there's still days I wake up and dude, I don't like it's this job that I'm in right now. I'm as passionate about helping people as I've always been. There's days it's really hard, man. And then in two days, I'm going to, I've been sick for the whole week and I've got to get these shows in and we got to cut ads. And then I got to get on a plane and fly to Austin for an interview.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And then that night fly to Phoenix to speak to 80,000. Like it just doesn't stop. Right. So I'm passionate about it. And yeah, It's a grind. And so I tell you that to tell you, like, finding the thing you're good at just means showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and deciding I'm going to get better and better at this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
But that usually means you got to decide that you're worth showing up for over and over again. I don't know that you believe that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Do you go to the gym? Do you exercise?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I'm going to hook you up with my friend. My friend Ken Coleman's got a career assessment. I want you to take it, okay? So I'm going to give it to you for free, okay? And it comes with a book. I'll send you all that stuff for free, okay? It's called Work Your Wire to Do. I'll send you all that, and you can take the inventory. The bigger thing is beneath all of that. Do you like being a dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I love it. It's the best thing ever, honestly. Do you like being a husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. I would love to see you stick at something for a season and just make a commitment to yourselves, I'm not going to quit for two years. I'm going to grind it out or I'm going to do this job and I'm going to take a side hustle job too. And I'm going to begin to get my fingers and toes wet in a lot of different things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
But I think if you were to quit this job and to go start a new job within six months, you would find a reason why this job wasn't going to be, quote unquote, your long-term job. Because you don't have a vision even for what that long-term job is because you don't have a vision for what it looks like to look in the mirror and just be happy with Rome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And so everything you're chasing is always going to be out there, out there, out there, out there. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm out to lunch, man. I'm okay. If I'm, if I'm completely missing the mark here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. Did somebody tell you you weren't enough?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. Your parents were just hustling and hustling?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
It's tough. And I know their life was tough too, man. Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. So will you do me a favor? At your job site now, are you throwing boxes? What are you doing? Give me a vague picture.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. Well, thanks for calling. Tell me about yourself a little bit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
There you go. Do you like the beverage industry? Or do you like the grocery stores that you deliver to? Or the bars that you roll into? Some yes, some no. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
So maybe sitting down with asking for five minutes or 15 minutes or grab a quick cup of coffee with an assistant store manager who sees you in your uniform working and you have a great attitude when you work and you go in there and you're always working and working and you sit down and ask for 10 minutes of his time and grab him a cup of coffee and say, I'll pay for it, even though it's his grocery store.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
You say, hey, can I pick your brain for 10 minutes? What's it like being a manager of a grocery store? because I'm interested in this industry, but I might trade. I might be looking to shift and I just want to have a conversation with somebody about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Or if you like walking into a bar in the morning in the light and it's smoky and somebody's sweeping it up, you think, man, this would be a fun life. I'm going to sit down and talk to the owner. Or you're dropping, I don't know, food off or dropping drinks off at a local gym or But it's just about sitting down with somebody and saying, hey, tell me about the life of this job, of this career.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
You're right. Running drinks, running beverage is tough. It's tough. It beats up your hips and your knees over time. You can also make some good money and you can hustle, hustle, hustle, man. But it's just about taking that next step. But also, here's the thing. I really want to encourage you. In fact, hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I'm going to hook you up with Ken Coleman's book, The Work You're Wired to Do, and I'm going to hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp. I want you to talk to a counselor. I want you to talk to a counselor because there's something in your affect and there's something in your story that I'm missing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Um, but I think it's, it's way in heavy on you because wherever you're going, you keep going with you and until you're okay with you, it's going to make showing up anywhere that much harder. Okay. So hang on the line here, brother. I'm really grateful for the call Rome and congratulations on being a good dad and for having a new baby and for being a good husband. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
You're showing up and putting food on the table, which is what you've got to be doing in this season. But I think you're right. There may be more out there in the world for you. So hang on the line here, brother. We'll get you hooked up with some good resources. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk train well. Cutting corners with our physical fitness won't cut it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Whenever I try to just wing it and I don't have a specific plan or any workout goals... I just end up skipping workouts or I make a lot of excuses and I just don't get anywhere with my workouts. And I hear from a lot of you and you guys are all feeling the same thing. If we want real progress towards our fitness goals, we got to have a real plan and train wheels got just the plan for everyone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Train will offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
To get started, you just get online and answer a few questions about your fitness journey, and you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time for you to go get after it. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep changing and tweaking them to help you get stronger and better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I use it, my wife use it, some of our friends use it. We've been using these workouts, and TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes working out easier. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Oh, believers like Christian faith believers? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And right now they have a special offer for my audience, 89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan, plus they're going to throw in 14 days of free intensive personal training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney. That's train, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up, Jane?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. Sorry. No, it's okay. I'm really choked up. No, you're good. Take a second. Take a second, man. There's no rush.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I don't know. Best of luck to you, Jane. I don't know. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Like it's hard, like it's hard, like logistically or it's hard emotionally. It's embarrassing. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. So was he hurt by the church growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah, man. So I wonder if there's some pretty serious hurt down in there. And he may be not wanting to talk to you about it because he doesn't want to hurt what he sees that you hold so valuable, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. I mean, there's, there's a couple of different things I'm thinking here. Um, number one, um, I may have mentioned this on the show before. We've got 700 episodes or something now, so I don't remember if I have or not. But I remember running across a video. It was an old Penn and Teller video. They still are magicians, but I forget the name of the tall guy. Is it Teller or Penn?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I've never watched it. So Penn had... He was just telling a pretty amazing story about a guy coming up to him after a show. And Penn is a devout atheist. He's a... Or at the time was. I don't have any idea what his religious affiliation is now. But he was an outspoken atheist, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And he said this guy showed up after the show, was very... Talking about magic, talking about the show, talking about the... You know, whatever. And as he started to leave, he said, hey, I'm a... I'm a Christian and I would kick myself if I didn't ask you to come to church with me tomorrow. And the guy said, well, I'm going to pass on it, but thank you so much for the invite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And Penn, I remember he was, it was a, he was doing it on a, on a, on his phone. It was a small video on his phone. It was before everybody did this, like on social media. But he said, if you believe that a truck is coming my way and you're yelling at me, Hey, there's a truck coming. And I'm like, no, there's not. I would hope you would love me enough to try to push me out of the way. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And so what he was saying was, is this guy was so kind, was so complimentary, like clearly was a fan of the show. Wasn't a ruse to come talk to me about his, his forces religion on me. And also cares enough about my soul that I don't even believe in that he would say, Hey, I would love for you to come to church with me. And he was just saying, I honor that guy. Good for him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And so if you're calling me because you are worried about your faith has said, hey, people like your husband are in grave eternal danger. That's challenge number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
a lot too and that's what that was my next thing that's my next thing yeah i guarantee you that church isn't the only thing that you thought was going to be a part of y'all's life that has fallen off right what else has changed everything tell me about it um so
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And get back on track to what though? That's what I'm getting to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. But dig underneath that. What has changed? You're talking all about symptoms. What has changed? Our marriage. Tell me about it. What has changed?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Start spitting them out. I don't know. Do y'all vote?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Does he change the way he dresses? No. Do you start listening to Morgan Wallen all of a sudden?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I'm sorry. When your husband comes to you and says, hey, I don't know where they're coming from, but all these feelings are coming up inside of me, take both of his hands and put your hand, hold one of his hands and take the other hand and put it behind his neck and look him in the eyes and say, I'm so grateful that you told me. Thank you. I believe you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Please do that right when you get off this call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
For a man to say that to his wife, I'm speaking generally, that's a guy on the edge saying help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And when you say, I thought everyone was fine, he goes, oh, yeah, crap. Keep that bottled up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. And so as soon as this calls over, if you can get to him in person, get to him in person and say, hey, I said this wrong. I believe you. I love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Because he may have challenges in his life with some sort of addiction you don't know anything about. He may have challenges in his life financially that you don't know anything about. He may have all kinds of challenges that makes walking into a church makes him feel like he's going to get struck by lightning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
He may not think that he deserves to be seen next to you and those kids in that church building. It could have nothing to do with his faith. He could be struggling with anxiety. He could be struggling with depression. He could be struggling with any number of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And most men do not have the verbal skills to articulate what's going on. So they hit things, they hide, they drink beer, they play video games, they shut down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Would you go see a marriage counselor with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
You know him, you've been with him for over 10 years. When you leave, do you feel like all air is out of the room? Do you feel like all things are on the table or not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. It's time for you to go there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Are you scared about what you're going to find?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
No, there's no such thing as caring too much about your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Lead with curiosity over judgment, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
So start this time saying, I'm sorry, I said the wrong thing here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I believe you that you're not okay. And sometimes I get loud and I care so much, I get overzealous and I just get worried about everything all at the same time. But I promise I'll do my best to be a safe place. What is actually going on? Please tell me. I can do that. We leave the counselor's office, and I know in my bones you're leaving stuff unsaid. Please tell me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Um, why don't you, why don't you think you're wonderful, Murray? That's a, that's a, that's a, that's a really incredible word. Um, And your husband had a set of values before he got married. And he clinged tightly to those values, right? And I'm happy for him. And I think that's wonderful. I think you're wonderful, too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
All right. Yep. I'm happy to talk to him, too. He sounds like he's a good man just going through it, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Turn the lights on for him. And it might be standing in that first initial blast. I just need to be by myself. I'm not going to leave you alone on this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I'm not going to leave you alone on this one. Usually I'll respect that, but not today because I see that you're not okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
With one hand on the back of his neck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
All right, let me know how it goes, Jane. Call anytime, okay, sister?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
All right, you got it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times, and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist. I think a lot of you probably should too. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Maybe it's the time commitment. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. Some of you have tracker watches. Some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, We don't want to spend the money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
We don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this. Your well-being is worth it. You are worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Hey, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and the like button and tell the internet overlords that you love the show and send it on to somebody that you love and care about. And don't forget, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey are going on tour. Ramseysolutions.com slash events for tickets. It's going to be wheels off. The John Deloney show, Ramsey show in a weird mix live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
It's going to be incredible. All right, so money and marriage event question. I'm flipping over my paper here. Let's see here. Oh, here it is right here. All right, this is me looking at it for the first time. Is it better to start with small things or just jump into the heavy stuff when I haven't been vulnerable much in the past? Great, great question. I don't know. You know what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your marriages and your relationships and your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. For the last two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Let me think through this here in real time. I'll kind of give you a framework for how I would think of this. So I guess caution number one is yes, if you've never been vulnerable in your marriage before, if you've never talked about really heavy stuff or past abuse or past, you know, sexual past, anything like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
If you've never talked about those things in the past and one day you're like, hey, I need to be vulnerable. And let's pretend this is a husband and your wife's making dinner. Your wife's walking in from her job as an attorney holding a briefcase. And she's like, what? And you just vomit. Yeah, I wouldn't start like that. So number one, environment is going to be important. Where are we going?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And we're going to set that up. Hey. I'm going to practice being vulnerable here. I've never done this before. I'm so nervous, and I got some big things to talk about, and I got tons of stuff. I've just kept bottled up forever, and I don't know how to do this. So this Saturday, we're going to go to breakfast, and I'd like to take you. I've made childcare arrangements. I want to take you out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
So you're setting the context. You're changing the environment up a little bit. That way it's not like there's not dirty dishes over here or a baby crying over here or a gutter that needs fixing over here. Y'all can get away and just focus on each other. That's number one. Number two, I would suggest starting with small things in equal parts for you and for your partner so you can practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And you didn't have that same ecosystem and you didn't have that same structure and you didn't have those same values beforehand. Yeah. And now you do. Tell me why you don't think you're wonderful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And small things might be, hey, Kate, I've never told you this. Whenever I come home and you've made dinner, husband or wife, I feel so loved. It's amazing. I've never told you this. Those red shoes are embarrassing to me. And I kind of want to set my rods and cones on fire so I can't see color anymore because I hate them so much. Right, right, like little things like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
They're kind of fun, kind of silly, kind of little, kind of whatever, and then lead into the big stuff. If there's big stuff that's kind of just hanging out there, I've been cheating on you, your dad did this and you didn't know it, that kind of stuff, then small stuff actually is distracting. It causes a problem. So we need to set up, hey, I need to tell you about a big scary thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
It's hard for me to talk about. Let's do that tonight after the kids go to bed. We're just going to get right into it. But it just kind of depends on what's the small stuff and what's the heavy stuff. I always like a ramp in, but not if there's something major, major, major we need to discuss right now. If it's just about being vulnerable in general, yeah, practice with small stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
try out a big thing and you're looking for your partners, like their eyebrows and their eyes get wide, you know, their eye crinkles them. Are they being curious? Are they being judgmental? And, um, yeah. So practice that and give your partner an opportunity to say the wrong thing and to go, Oh my gosh. Okay. Sorry that I said, Oh my gosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Um, or I can't believe you didn't tell me, or that hurts my feelings too. Like give them permission to say the wrong thing out of the gate. Also, it's just a part about, it's just a part of being graceful and being in relationship with each other. But yeah, hopefully that helps. Being vulnerable is a process. It's a skill. It's a way of being.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
It's a thing that you do, and it's a thing that you are, and it's a way of interacting with the world. And it just takes practice, especially if you've been told your whole life it's for weaklings and cowards. Yeah. It's not. It's the adhesive that keeps relationships together and bonded. Great question. Thank you all so much for reaching out. Hey, everybody, be kind to each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Be kind to one another. Be kind to one another. We'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Nobody's brain is there before they're 25. Nobody's brain is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. What, I'm interested in something you said. It's really, it's really powerful that you were somebody who got really lost in relationships. Tell me about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
You're saying several conflicting things. Do me a favor. Oh, okay. Do me a huge favor, okay? Are you on a cell phone right now? Yeah. Okay. So I want you to imagine, close your eyes real quick. Mm-hmm. And imagine you're taking off like a helmet, okay? Just imagine you're taking it off and sitting it on the table next to you, okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And that's what this show is all about, real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz, dude. I'd love to have you on the show. Actually, fill out on the internets. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Evidently, the toll-free number is giving people some head tilts because you guys weren't around when toll-free numbers existed. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
But that stress is encoded in your nervous system. Yeah. Okay. Now, I would tell any young girl, any young girl to be careful about sexual exploitation. Okay. And there's not one bit of that story that surprises me that some guy looked at you and held you tight and said, no, no, no, I'm safe. And your body went, oh, thank God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Right? Yeah. So I would never, I wouldn't recommend somebody take that path, but I wouldn't blame somebody for it either. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And I want you to hear the words that I'm saying really clearly. You did what you had to do to survive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. Now tell me about this knuckleheaded boy you married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Oh, they were all pretend safe. That's right. You're exactly right. They were all pretend safe. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. So here's the thing. In the moments you don't believe yourself, I want you to believe him. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. In the moments, those fleeting moments when those old memories pop back in your head of things you did, people you were with, when they pop back in your head, you have a choice. Do I want to meditate on that? Do I want to think about it? Do I want to fantasize about it? And by the way, let's just be super honest here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
There was probably some excitement and some fun and some rambunctiousness back then that probably part of you misses. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay, that's, man, amazing. That's awesome. I love being wrong on that. So when lightning bolts in your head, here's the two things. I want you to exhale, and I want you to know you've got a choice about what you think about next, but you have to have something ready. Will you keep a small picture of you and him together or a picture of him all grimy working on a car?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Fill out the form on the interwebs, and it'll go into Kelly and Taylor's inbox, and then Kelly will make the ultimate hoo-hoo-ha decision. And if you hear it in my voice, dude, I'm coming off of being so – I've been this sick since, I don't know, since I was a kid maybe, man. Gnarly Marley flu. So I am –
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I don't know what you think is hot. I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
But like, will you keep a picture in your back pocket or on your phone? And when one of those lightning bolts pops in your head, you just exhale a second and you stop and focus on him. And here's the deal. Over time, those lightning bolts will get fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And also, I want you to begin carrying around a small journal where you begin to write down those awful thoughts you have about yourself because you talk about yourself in a way that you would punch somebody through a wall if they talked about someone else, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Don't talk to my friend Marie that way. Don't talk to your husband's amazing wife that way. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Yeah. You survived. You're here. Yeah. And so here's the deal. I want you to write those down. Those times you think he doesn't deserve me. I'm keeping him from another more special woman. I want you to write that down. Get that sentence out of your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And if you want to be extra brave, tell your husband, as a part of being married to me and a part of my healing, I want to begin to love myself as much as you love me. I feel how much you love me. And sometimes I don't even get it. It doesn't even make sense. But I want to try.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
That's enough for me. How old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Close your eyes. I want you to picture 19-year-old Marie standing right in front of you. What's she wearing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Okay. And you catch her just before she runs out the back door. I want you to imagine yourself walking over to her and giving her a huge hug. And tell her that you're sorry that parents didn't show up. And you're sorry the house is so chaotic her body has chosen to not remember it. And that you're going to do what you have to survive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
But when you're 28 years old, you're going to meet an amazing man that's going to provide some stability. And he's going to have an amazing family. By the way, not perfect. You're going to find out they're crazy too. Every family is crazy, isn't it? But they're going to love you recklessly, right? Is that right, Marie?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Don't tell her that. We're just going to tell her we love her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And then it works out. You can't change what happened. That's the thing. Worrying about what happened, being angry about what happened, there's a period at the end of that sentence. The only thing you can do is write a new sentence. That's it. And so all your energy can be spent on saying, nope, not going back there. I've got this here now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
I know. I was going to wait until I got in front of everybody to say thank you for giving me that. I'm really grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
And me and Hillbilly, we're building something amazing together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. He chose you. He chose you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
That tells me you're worth being chosen. He may be wonderful, but I think you're wonderful too. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage
Today we choose forgiveness for Maria. Sit down the struggles of a 22-year-old and a 26-year-old and a 27-year-old, what she did to survive. She's here. And now we're going to start living for tomorrow. For today, actually, for today, and we're going to start building something for tomorrow. And by the way, this won't happen over a weekend. It's going to take time to...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I've purchased a number of Bond Charge products with my own money, and I love them. Red light and near-infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer-reviewed studies, with 400-plus of those studies being double-blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown any negative side effects.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more. I use my red light therapy panels and mask both the near infrared and the red light up to 10 to 20 minutes each day, sometimes more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And I often do this during my prayer or meditation time when I'm sore from working out or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. And I've also recently ordered Bond Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and light bulbs for my home, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Bond Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use code DELONI to save 15% off. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash DELONI and use code DELONI to save 15%. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Hey, don't forget you can download the Ramsey Network app, which is the network that hosts this show. You can check out all the show and you get it up to a week early, even the video. You can click the link in the show notes for more details. All right, let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Well, I work with Kelly Daniels, so I've got a lot of insight on this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah. That's a heavy air to breathe, isn't it? It's exhausting to be awake, isn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Have you found it begin to spiral on you? Where you found yourself, man, I'm more negative. And then all of a sudden you look up and two years later, it's all the time. Every breath, every thought, every everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
What is your, and you may not know off the top of your head, but what is your body trying to protect you from? I like to start from a place where our bodies are usually right And in your situation, bodies are often trying to protect us from unsafe economic situations. You owe a bunch of money. Or unsafe work situations. You're being asked to do things that are unethical.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Your job may go away at any time. Or unsafe or lonely relationship issues. You don't have any ride or dies. Your body's identified that you don't have any friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
They could, but why would it matter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I was growing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Which tells me there was stuff going on throughout the whole marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
How did you get your parents' attention?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Why did you need to get good grades so badly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Well, if coming out on top is the way you survived as a kid, is the way you got distance between you and the next person that was going to get yelled at or ignored or shunned or screamed at or hit, that's a good place to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
That's right. Coming out on top can be a trauma response too. And if you have a house with two dysregulated adults screaming at each other, ignoring each other, you can feel the tension in the house all the time so bad that you can go run and sit in the woods.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
then coming out on top is a way to get out above the clouds, to get away from that nonsense and get other stable adults to pat you on the back and say, I see you. Good job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But the things that were supposed to keep you the most safe in the whole world, your mom and your dad, they didn't. They were too busy with themselves going to war. And so you have two competing stories, reality and this other story. My childhood was great, which is exactly how you started the call. It was heavy. But also, you've been a people pleaser. You've been a... You've been a peacemaker.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Is that fair? That your job has been to make sure everybody else is okay forever?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Ashley, you know they didn't get divorced because of you, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And you know there's not a damn thing you could have done to keep them together, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Sometimes when our whole life has been about squashing what we need, what we want, what we love, what brings us joy, what makes us laugh, squashing all of that in an effort to keep mom and dad together, to keep little brother from getting hit, to keep our grades all perfect so we can get a certificate from the school counselor, the assistant principal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Your body just begins to get rageful because all that crap is trapped in there. Yeah. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And everything has a cynical twist. Everything has a, oh yeah, there's another side to that story. Because you live the other side of the story. Everybody in your neighborhood thought your family was great. Fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So I say this a lot on the show, and I'll unpack it a little bit for you. The things that kept you safe as a kid will destroy your adult relationships. It'll make being alive as an adult miserable. The things that kept you safe as a kid was making sure everybody else is okay to the detriment of your own sanity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
The things that kept you safe as a kid was constantly always being on guard to emotionally regulate the two adults in your life. You've been chasing variables your whole life. And now you're in a world where who knows what the government, who knows, can't trust anybody. Education, I don't know. Science, I don't know. Medicine, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Like the whole world seems to have all the strings pulled on it. And here's the deal. It's so easy to fall into the trap of pessimism and sarcasm. It's all coming down. Oh yeah, you know this. Can you believe, right? You see what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
It's false control. It feels like you're grabbing hold of all the potential bad things. Brene Brown calls it dress rehearsing tragedy. You are pre-thinking all the negative stuff. You're telling everybody that's how you're trying to bond with the worst things that could possibly happen. And then your body realizes that you're pushing everybody away. They don't want to be around that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You don't want to be around that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Are you married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
How's your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Hey, Ashley, I can promise you based on what you've told me, you have more than a one. For whatever it's worth, the ACE score is not a competition either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And your mom and dad don't need you to protect them anymore. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But you married another guy that you're trying to fix, right? Trying to make sure it's going to be okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You're realizing in real time you can't do anything about that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah, you got two people's bodies in that house, two nervous systems that are just playing whack-a-mole with each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So what have your conversations been like with her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
No, it's avoidance. Yeah, avoidance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
It's not real peace. It's just a lack of bombs, but there's no peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Will your husband go... will your husband go get counseling? Will he do the work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Why kept you in that moment from saying absolutely we do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I can tell you. I think you feel like what you actually feel and what you want doesn't matter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Ashley, you're worth more than that. Your kids are worth more than that. Your husband and your marriage is worth more than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Here's your path forward, okay? And it's a rocky, rocky, rocky path. Number one, you can only control what you can control, and that's your thoughts and your actions, and that's it. That's it. The first thing is you've got to honor your body. Your body's trying to keep you safe. You have a home life that you haven't fully come to reckon with, telling the truth about it. It's hard and scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You've got a marriage that's really, really tough because you're married to a guy that went through a lot of hurt and hell growing up. You've got two kids. It's chaotic. You're in year eight, which is always just a stressful season. Your body is right to be bitter about the world. You don't have a safe place, right? Yeah. That sounds so cheesy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You have no place where your shoulders drop and you just laugh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So your homework assignment is to go be honest about what that place would look like and ask your husband, would you build that with me? And he might say no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So, so do you, do you want to not have it or do you want to have it and you carry the lion's share of the weight for the, for the first, the first bit?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But there's a sitting down and saying, Hey, in the past you make fun of me. You hurt my feelings. You laugh at me. Please don't do that this time. I'm being vulnerable with you. I want to have a different kind of marriage and I want you to be happy that you're home and I want to be happy that I'm home. Here's what that looks like. I've written it out for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I'd love for you to write that out for you. And please don't make faces at me. Please don't roll your eyes. And if he does, if he dishonors your vulnerability in that way, then that gives you a firmer foundation to deal with the reality that he's not the man that you think he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Often women do it, but men do it the most. They make jokes. They go, are you serious? Because they're so uncomfortable. It's not a pass. It's not a, it's not a, it's just a lack of skills. And so they laugh, they roll their eyes like I'm doing that. Most men would love to have the woman of their dreams sit across the table and say, I want to go all in with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But men are so utilitarian and competency-based, they don't know what that means, how to do that. And so the only way they can protect themselves is by rolling their eyes and laughing. And so is this a cop-out? No. Is this the way it should be? No. Is this reality? Yes. Sometimes it takes somebody, an interested member of this marriage team to say, here's what I want this thing to look like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I want to go all in. Here's the roadmap to my heart. I would really appreciate it if you'd give me a roadmap to yours. And I think you need to sit down and be honest about writing a letter to your mom and dad. Don't ever send it, but be honest about what you experienced. I want you to write a letter to a nine-year-old you who's running and hiding in the woods because of all the screaming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And I want you to write a letter to five years from now you. You're just running the same script you ran as a kid and it'll keep you distant from hurt, but It's going to always avoid connection. And I want that for you. And he's going to have to make some choices to change his life too. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, we all have stories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and not so good. The stories of our pasts and the stories we have yet to write about our future are powerful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. As we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life forever for the better. If you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as an editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. If you're considering therapy, I want you to consider BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time, for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Sydney, Australia and talk to Abby. Hey, Abby, what's up? Hi, how are you doing, Dr. John? I'm doing okay. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I know it's a bit of a loaded one. Yeah, tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Don't go about trying to solve it or diagnose it. It's just madness. It's just madness. So you ask, how do I approach her about her life? Yeah. Like straight through it. Okay. Like, because here's the deal. Through the wall. Here's the deal. Right through the wall. You think your wife is a liar of epic proportions. She says to you, she says to your face, you're a gaslighter. You don't support her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
What kind of self-harm?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Cutting, okay. When you say medications, are these suicide attempts?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
How long has the cutting been going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
How has the cutting escalated over that time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So number one, I'm going to tell you that I wish the world had more friends who cared like you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Like all the way across the planet, I want you to feel me saying I'm grateful for you. Thank you. It's pretty amazing. And I would love to spend several hours just having nachos with you and listening to your story about how you came to become a person who just cares so deeply. It's pretty amazing. So I want to change directions a bit, but I'll loop us all the way back around, okay? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
What do you do for a living?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Okay. So let's say you have a friend named Dan, and Dan has a small flat in Sydney, and one day Dan calls you in the middle of the night. screaming, come over, come over, come over. And because you're Abby, you're who you are. You ask no questions. You grab your small bag and you are on your bike and you're there in no time. Yeah. And you run in the door and all of Dan's toilets have exploded.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
They're just pouring water and urine and cha-cha-cha-cha-cha all over the place, right? Yeah. And you're getting drenched and the smell is dreadful. And Dan is in the middle of the house screaming. And there's several other friends over. And you're like, what are we doing? And he's like, I don't know. My toilets have exploded. And you say, well, I'm calling emergency services. And he's like, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
No one's calling a plumber. You have to fix this, Abby. And you're thinking, I'm an artist. I do not know how wax seals on toilets work and plumbing. I don't know anything. You see what I'm saying? Yeah. Your love for your friend is clouding the fact that this is far, far exceeded your ability to help her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And help is different than sit with. I'll always be there. But as a friend, I refuse to watch you sit by me and die. And so if you want to call it abandonment, fine. And by the way, cutting doesn't raise my eyebrow one iota. I've dealt with cutting my entire career. And there's an escalation to cutting that becomes a dress rehearsal for something worse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You don't believe whatever. You'll have to solve that gap. And so she can put down a transcript. She can log into her transcripts and solve all of this right now. And then you will have to deal with the fact that I didn't believe you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
The act of dying by suicide is so unnatural to the body. there can be an escalation, a practicing, if you will. Yeah. And what you're describing to me as cuts that are so bad, you and your friends are trying to call emergency services and they're screaming, don't do it, demanding not to do it. I want you to drop your shoulders and finally exhale, not in a powerless way, but in a powerful way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I am over my head now. I'm calling in every authority I can call because I value your life. And if you don't like me or you get mad at me, so be it. I'll be happy to know that you are alive hating me than planning your funeral.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And so the greatest gift we can give others sometimes when they are acting irrationally is to not take them other things they say in those moments as rational. Right? Somebody that is hurting themselves to that level. Have you had to put the wounds back together? Hold them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Okay. Yeah. So somebody lands at that level and you're holding compresses, you are taping people, like you've stitched, like you've been there, right? I've seen this. And then, so you're seeing somebody do something that is not rational, which is to injure themselves, not just to feel pain, but to hurt. Yeah. And yet they say, don't call anybody or else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Well, that's, I want you to hear that is not rational either. Mm-hmm. Okay? Not picking and choosing which one. Now, when I tell you, I want you to sit down with your friend and say, hey, you've got 24 hours. I'm going to go with you. I'm going to be with you every step of the way that they'll allow me, but you've got to go get professional help because I'm not going to watch you die. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Imagine yourself saying that and tell me what's in your guts. Where do you feel the resistance to that conversation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Well, and that's where you have to make the choice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
To, this sounds harsh, to protect you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And I want you to make the choice to refuse to watch your friend wither and die in your presence over a period of 20 years. I refuse to, I refuse. And so the conversation does get very direct. It's not a matter of, hey, I would love it tonight. Please make the call. I'll go with you. It's not it. The conversation is, here's the deal. By the end of this evening, you will be in psychiatric care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You want me to drive you? Or do you want them to come here and give you a shot and strap you down? You get to pick. I would love to drive you. You don't care about me. You're this. You're that. Swear words, screaming. I hate you. Oh, my gosh. You're abandoning me. Great. I get that. I get you're mad. I believe you. Which choice would you like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Choice A, I drive you, or B, tonight's the night you go get help. And do you see the difference? I'm going to begin to squeeze every option you have out. And I don't know the laws in Australia. I don't know if she can just go sign herself out after a 72-hour hold. I don't know all the rules in Australia. But that's the kind of conversation I'm going to have with a close friend that I love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And for whatever it's worth, I've had that conversation with people that I love. And it's almost always... It's almost universally... The person who's hurting exhales. Because they can't keep carrying all of this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah. I will risk the oldest, longest, most connected friendships I have for life and death.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Every step of the way. And I... I've been through this conversation so many times with close friends, with people that I do professionally. I've almost taken it as a responsibility to... Of somebody saying, like, I imagine life in a car and they're screaming, I can't drive this thing. Please come take the wheel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. Taking real calls from real people all over the planet. People struggling with their emotional and mental health or relationships, just trying to figure out what's the next right move. Some of these calls are heavy. Some of these calls are light.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And I need you to hear me say, Abby, when somebody gets to that situation, there's not a thing you can say that you haven't already said. They're going to go, oh, you're right. You're right. Here's how to drive. They've decided I'm not driving. So they can move over or you can pick them up and put them in the back seat, but you have to take the wheel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And in this case, this it's exceeded your capacity, exceeded your ability. And that's great. That's good. That's why we have amazing professionals who will come in and walk alongside her. Absolutely. And your goal here is not to be liked. Your goal here is not to make sure she's quote unquote. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
The goal is to be a kind of friend who wades through fire and does the right thing, especially when it's hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Can I leave you with one other piece of just as honest truth as I can lay on you? Absolutely. Take a big, deep breath and hold it. Three, two, exhale it. Drop your shoulders, okay? All right, can you hear me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Well, I mean, the interaction here is incredibly sophomoric. It's just very mature. Right. Right? And it's one of those things that you are going to find yourself rolling around in the mud throwing Legos at somebody because they're sitting in the mud throwing Legos. And so you're like, well, you show me, I don't want to show you, you show me like you show me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Okay. There's a very real possibility that you do everything right here and there's not a great outcome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And the trend line you're telling me is especially concerning to me. And so I want you to make peace with the very limited amount of control you have in the situation. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Is that hard? God, it's the worst thing you can imagine. Yes. But you can do everything right here. Call in every professional, call in every situation, and your friend, do something irreversible. And you can choose to spend the rest of your life wondering, maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Maybe I shouldn't have. Maybe I shouldn't have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Or you can spend the rest of your life exhaling, knowing I'm heartbroken that I lost my friend. But I did everything. I did the next right thing every time I could. Especially when it came to knowing when I was over my head and needed to call some professionals. And I know that's a sad, heartbreaking place to be. But when people that I work with are hurting in this way, I always leave space for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
There are still autonomous adults that can make decisions that are terrifying and scary and heartbreaking for all of us who remain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And I'm going to do everything in my power to prevent that. But you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah. All right. Give me a pulse. Give me a pulse check. How are we doing? Did you think this is what I was going to say? Are you like, man, you suck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
realize that it's not all on me like it's you know yeah at the end of the day they are an adult with their own decisions to make too and I can only I can only do so much and you're past that yeah and let me promise you with all my guts promise you promise you promise you promise you you would much rather be on the side of this friend not ever wanting to talk to you again and them still being alive
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Then going to a funeral and wondering what would have happened if I'd called.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah. I promise you that. Okay. I'd rather you mad at the psychiatric hospital because something happened while she was there than you look in the mirror and say, I should have called.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You're going to make the call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Okay. Yeah. I'm proud of you. This may be the most loving act of kindness you've ever waded through. And it's an honor to have gotten to talk with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Will you holler back and let us know how the conversation goes?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
All right. Thank you for blessing us with your bravery. It's been an honor to get to talk to you. The world needs more friends like you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And then pretty soon you're going to say, well, I'm taking my ball. I'm going home. Right. I mean, it just gets like, so I want to elevate the conversation because here's the deal. If your wife of one year has put on this big elaborate ruse, I'm telling you right now, I've been doing this job a long time. She's lying to you about other things, probably of grand significance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You got it, my sister. Thank you so much. We'll be praying for you guys. Since the first day I started this show, I've been running my mouth about the importance of regular exercise and taking care of your physical health. I am thrilled to announce that I have partnered with TrainWell, an amazing app and personal trainer all in one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Trainwell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. So while it is on your phone or your computer, it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer, it's the best of both.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Me, my wife, my colleagues and their wives, we've all been using Trainwell for some time now and the feedback, the interaction with a real personal trainer, the accountability and the personalized nature of the workouts have been amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
To get started, you just need to answer a few questions about your fitness journey, whether this is your first time ever or you're a seasoned veteran expert when it comes to working out. You're going to hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time to get to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
As you complete your workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. This January only, you'll get 45% off the monthly price plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
That's trainwell, T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L dot net slash deloney. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, what happened now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I mean, no, I'm not. There's nothing clinical about this. This is just straight from John's guts. If my wife left me for another dude and Hank has holidays and he invites us all, number one, I'm going to call Hank and be like, dude, what are you doing? Like, I'm not doing that. And two, yes, I would always wonder.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And if I bring in my new wife, she's always going to wonder, would John still want to be married to her if she had no left hip? Yeah, whole thing just sucks. I'm not doing that. I wouldn't do that. That's probably my final answer. Because now I'm talking myself out of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Put a fake smile on your face and go to dinner for two hours and get on with your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Be super, super obnoxiously flirty. Lick the side of his face. That'd be so awesome. It's like, will you pass the whipped cream? That is so great, man. Like, you could choose to have fun. Because, yeah, you know what? I'm changing my whole answer. Screw everything I just said. Listen, I'm an external processor. I'm processing this in real time. She said, I'm wondering if he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
That's your husband. Ask that question. Right. Ask the question. And if he says, absolutely not. I hated her. She left me for another dude. Ugh. Hopefully he says, yes. In a perfect world, I wish I still had my old life. That world's over. It's gone. I'm so glad I have you. Because there's a reality that if she doesn't run off, they don't have their life. I just have to call that out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
it would be very out of the ordinary for there to be this level of long-term intricate deception. Right. And only be this thing. Where was she going when she said she was going to class?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I'm happy to be doing life with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So I changed everything I said. Put a smile on your face. Just go. Just go. Be awkward and weird. Have some fun with it. Make a lot of like digs. Make it, I'm all about, yeah, I'll go for it. Yes. But you can just go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah. Be over the top kind. Kill him softly with kindness. That's not really what Lauryn Hill says.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I kind of just mushed Lauryn Hill in the Bible. But listen, just be overly kind. Put a smile on your face. It's a thing you got to do once a year. You married into it. You married into it. And maybe lick his face. Maybe lick his face at the table. Or just put shaving cream all over his face and rub it real slow and be like, remember? He'll be like, nope, nope, nope. That's what I'm doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
That's what I say. You're in, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yes. Whipped cream, Grody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Oh, I meant whipped cream. Shaving cream. Ugh. Whipped cream? Oh, yeah. Bye. Love y'all. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Bro, this is not well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Yeah, you have to throw on every light you have in your house and call this because there's something else going on. Right. If she got in a car and drove and sat in a parking garage for two hours... That's what I'm assuming she did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Let me put it this way. Are you 100% sure she's making this up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Some of these calls are just all of us trying to figure out how to do our lives a little bit better with a little bit more peace, a little less chaos in a world gone mad. So glad that you're with us. If you want to be on the show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form and we'll holler back girl at you. I ain't no holler back girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But there's some level of self-deception going on here with you also. You're being gaslit to the moon and back. Fine, that happens. But you're either not being honest about the state of your marriage. You're not being honest about the general integrity of this person because she would be lying about other things and treating you in other ways and disappearing and spending money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And like you don't have this really safe, vulnerable, connected, brand new marriage anymore. with this giant tumor on the side of it. That is, she's just going to go down to the, like, what is her end game? Not become a nurse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You have to do a practicum, a nursing practicum. Has she been in a hospital in the last year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
So here's what I want you to do. I want you to change the conversation in your house and it's going to cost you, OK? But you're going insane. I can feel it. You think? How can you tell? I can feel it through the phone that you're losing a grasp on reality, not in a psychotic way, but in a, you're looking in the mirror going, what am I missing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
I want you to change the conversation to an affirmative stance. I believe you're not telling me the truth. I believe you're lying to me. I've looked at this. I've looked at this. I've looked at this. I've looked at this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You might be able to call the school, depending on what kind of... If she puts you in as an emergency contact under her Federal Education Rights and Privacy Act, the FERPA, she may have put you down as someone who can call in and ask about her grades.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You can ask for the enrollment status. I believe they can give that to you. It's been a minute since I looked at FERPA stuff. It's been about five years. Well, they might not... It depends on what program she's in, actually, whether they can... She has to have told them they can give you permission to check and roll mistakes. But you can call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
The worst thing I can tell you is I can't tell you that. But say I'm calling on behalf of my wife. I'm looking for her transcript. I can't find it. But you can call and get your questions answered the best you can. Maybe they won't answer them. But you have to act in the affirmative. Your marriage is falling apart right beneath you, and I don't think you want to acknowledge that. This is madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
This is insane. Like, she's saying she has a credentialed medical degree. You know what I mean? Like, this isn't just... Well, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, you're going crazy. You're now looking up the state. You know that she's lying to you. I know. I'm aware of that. Okay, so you got to deal with that. Yeah. And you have to deal with the fact that there's probably other things she's lied to you about. You have to deal with the fact that your marriage isn't what you thought it was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And then we will see if we can get you on the show. Let's go straight out to Cincinnati, Ohio and talk to Michael. What up, Michael? Hey, Dr. Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
She's not who you thought she was. I'm not saying you have to get divorced, but I'm saying the marriage you had is now over. You'll have to decide whether you're going to build a new one and it has to be one built on integrity and no one ever tells a lie. And so you have two options here and I'll give you the same options I gave my students when I was dealing with student conduct issues.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You could try to catch her in a lie. You can call around, get all the information or whatever. Or you can, and when you're doing that, the goal is to catch her. The goal is to be right. Or the goal can be to let the truth be free. I'm not telling you which one of these to do. I'm telling you there's two different paths you can take.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
The second path is sitting down and saying, I am married to somebody who is so deep in a lie and can't get out of it. You have 48 hours to come sit down and tell your husband the truth. about what happened the last year, where you've been, what's going on with you. I love you, and I want to be with you, and I'll walk with you through this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And the goal there is let's let the truth emerge so we can move on with our lives, whatever that means. The other is a game of cat and mouse, and I want to catch you because the purpose of the interaction is to catch you. Does that make sense? Yeah. I would always tell my students when they came in with drugs, assault, whatever, all right, I've got your story. I've got my notes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Rocking on, brother. How are you, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
You got 24 hours to come back. And I'm going to count it as though you told me the truth. After that, it's going to compound in a really significant way because now you're a person who lacks integrity. And that's almost always, not always, but almost always worse than the original offense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But maybe you sitting down saying, I'll be with you when the smoke clears on this thing, but I'm not going forward. You have 48 hours to come clean and tell me the truth. And then you have to have your or what moment. And your or what moment is, what are you going to do if she says, how dare you? Forget it. I'm not leaving. Are you going to move out? Are you going to kick her out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Are you going to try to get your marriage annulled? Like, what are you going to go do? You have to spend some time with your or what. But I think if you spend some time with your or what, you're going to spend some time honestly reflecting. She probably has not been a person who's told you the truth throughout your relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
or she's fudged the edges, or been an exaggerator, or forgot to tell you about one boyfriend she went out when y'all were on a quote-unquote on a break, like Ross said, right? This is just madness. Throw all the lights on. This situation needs an adult. You are lying. You got 48 hours to come clean. I'll sit here with you. I'll love you. We'll walk through this thing together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
But you got 48 hours. This ruse is over. We'll figure out what's going to happen next. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the whole next month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Being well and healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot and I'm guessing you're not either. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows and victories and setbacks. One way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
This is why I love Organifi because their whole food blends contain only the best plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free and soy-free ingredients. Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage, swirl it up and drink it. That's it. Their green juice is great in the morning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
It's packed with super foods that help boost your energy, calm your mind and support you throughout the day. Organifi Red Juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. And don't forget the pure juice and those happy drops. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. Forever, I've been talking about my love of red light therapy, my love for infrared saunas, my concerns about the way certain types of light disrupts our mood and our sleep, the amount of EMFs and everything we do and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
Tell me some more about this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Struggling to Trust My Wife After Catching Her in a Huge Lie
And I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment. I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited that we are now partnering with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Um, let's say ultimatum is for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And ultimatum is not to get somebody else to change your behavior. It's you saying, this is what I will tolerate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And then they have to go make a grownup choice. And you get how different that is than the way they're—they're usually used as weapons. Right. And that's not what they're for. They're for protection. Yeah. For you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Is he—if you step back five years, ten years on a trend line— Mm-hmm. Do you see a man that's growing into the man you see that he can become? Or do you see a man who's just lying, conniving, I'm going to do my own thing, I'm just going to get better at my secrets?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. I think the part you've got to reimagine and rebuild is can I trust you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And he has to reimagine with you, can I trust you? You've got to trust that he's not going to have secret things that y'all together agreed on that go against your agreed upon identity. We are a couple who doesn't engage in that. Cool. And every couple decides those things for themselves. And then if he creates a secret life, it's a violation of the identity y'all decided together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Hey, Susan, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And beneath that, he has to trust you that when he struggles, you're not going to throw some imaginary gauntlet down and say, or imaginary fence down and be like, all right, here's the end of my love this time. Here's the end of my love this time. You'll both have to rebuild trust with each other. And that might be you looking at him saying, I'm never going to leave you, period. Do you love me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Because I see something better for both of us. I'm worth more than being married to a guy that has to like sneak off in the closet and close the door and look up like fetish videos or whatever. I feel like I'm worth more than that and I love you more than that. But I'm not going to be your mom and I'm not going to be your dad. Or, hey, here's where my line is and I'm going to hold it firm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And vice versa. But I think it's coming back like the, how do we heal this? I think it's both of you sitting at a table saying, okay, here's what is what is. The last few months have been awful. Let's wipe the table. Will you build something new with me? Here's what must be true. And that means both of you have to sit down and say, here's what I want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I want a marriage without that kind of garbage in my life. He might say, I want a marriage where I'm married to a partner, not to a mom. And we're going to build this thing slowly but surely. My guess here is, I don't have a guess. I think this one's going to be tough. I think this one's going to be tough. But I don't want you to compromise. And I want him to feel heard and seen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And that's a tough, that's a tough road to navigate. Thanks for the call, Susan. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and talk to Conrad. Hey, Conrad, what's up, brother? Hey, how's it going? I'm all right, man. How are you? Hey, I'm well, thank you. You got it. What's up, dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I don't think anyone's ever asked me that question in that way. So did you say, all right, here's the ultimatum, and he just flew right by the ultimatum, and you're like, I mean, never mind?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Tell me what you've been experiencing. Tell me what you've, what you've seen in your lived experience with you and your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Don't tell other people's story. Tell yours. How's it been?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Let me hop in here. Um, all right. So I may not have talked about my experience and I've been through this a bunch. Okay. And you can tell me, no, not my experience at all, or yeah, dude, I totally get that. First miscarriage and especially second miscarriage, I didn't get it. It was a loss, and I was sad, and I was bummed out. But it wasn't my body that was changing. And it wasn't me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
There may be rebuilding. There's maybe building something totally new, but I mean, you said if you cross this line, this thing's burned to the ground, and he crossed the line, and then it burned to the ground, and now you're like, oh, just kidding. Is that what happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I wasn't staying up all night researching what's about to happen to my body and what's happening to this baby and what stage are we in and what it looked like. And here's sonogram picture number one and sonogram picture number two. For me and for many, many, many of the men I've sat with over the years, it didn't register there with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
In fact, I kicked into, okay, how much money are we going to have? Are we going to be able to afford? It just became very practical for me. I also did not immediately start thinking of – I didn't grow up with a lot of little kids around me, and I didn't babysit. I didn't have these images already in my head of toddlers and middle school kids and dances. I didn't have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
My experience has been that countless women find out they're pregnant, and they immediately start living into this picture, imagining, what's it going to be like? What's this going to be like? Oh, my gosh, this will be cool. Here's what the nursery will look like. Here's what first grade are they going to go to? I just didn't go there. I didn't even know to. Not an excuse, just is. And so...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Miscarriage number one, miscarriage number two. I was unprepared for the disproportionate loss that was felt in my house. I was very sad. I was heartbroken. I was not prepared for my wife's devastation. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Stop right there. Just saying out loud, I didn't know. I'm sorry. That's huge. Here's number two. There is a sense of loss, like being betrayed by your own body. It's disorienting. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
This idea that you and I will never be able to, we can hear the story. We'll never know internally what that feels like. Like my body's supposed to do this thing to create life. and not take life or not be inhospitable to life or what was going on or what happened. Like it's this, it's this real quick loop. And this is almost every woman I've ever talked to has experienced.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
This has sat down and asked that question. What, what did I do? What happened? And it can get, um, um, I mean, it gets very in the weeds. Did I eat something? Did I run? You start going down every variable because you have this picture and you don't want it to ever happen again and your body starts creating stories. Here's the big thing. What's important here is her story. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And you saying, I can't be in your body. I can't be in your experience, but I want to know. And I'll sit here with you in the discomfort. And here's a couple of ways you can do that. Did y'all give this child that you lost, did you give him or her a name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Did y'all come up with one?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What was the name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. I am somebody who believes deeply that speaking the names is important. That's just, that's me and that's the people I've sat with, but speaking the name is important. coming up on like maybe the first year anniversary, there can be something cathartic and healing about you both writing a letter to Bella on what would have been her one year birthday and saying, we miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And we hope you're resting easy in heaven. And me and mom are being intentional about choosing joy in the present, but just being honest, writing those things down, getting them out of your body and getting them onto paper. And then here's the big thing, being a witness to sitting with each other and reading them out loud. Cause the worst part about grief is not the worst part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
There's a whole bunch of bad stuff about grief, but one of the worst parts about grief is miss, um, It's the misalignment. You're sitting in your own house on your own couch and she thinks you shouldn't be over it yet. And you think she should be over it yet. And you see this amazing baby in line at target and you want to hug the baby. And she's like, how could you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And it's this misalignment and you feel like you're on an Island, but you're sitting on the same couch together. You know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So it's about aligning grief. It's about aligning the pictures so that she feels permission that when you are hugging a baby and In public, you are just gaga, goo-gooing and all the stuff. Or when your friend calls you and says, like, dude, I'm having a baby, and you go, yeah, all right. You won't have permission to say that out loud. You want to celebrate that. And she has permission to go, boo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Both are true. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I do. But I think there's something important about a name or something important about a marker, a ceremony. And there's something important. And it's different for everybody. I've got some friends who did a small thing one time 20 years ago. Cool. I went and got the names tattooed on my body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
They're on my body next to my kids' names that are tattooed on me. Like everybody does it differently. It's not a right or wrong way to do it. The thing is you need to do a thing. And to give her permission, your wife permission, to tell the story a year later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And maybe that is you being real brave and saying, hey, tonight after dinner, I want to do something kind of weird, and it's going to be heavy. Are you in? Oh, gosh, Conrad, what now? I want to talk about Bella. And she'll go cold, right? She would freeze if you said that, wouldn't she?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Say, I want to hear your story. What are the things I don't know? And your job is just to sit there and show up in that discomfort so that she's not alone. And you, brother, if you haven't yet, I want you to be honest too about it all. Because it wasn't until my wife told her story to me that I exhaled and I got to be honest with myself. I was way sadder than I had let on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I was way sadder than I had even acknowledged with myself. That loss was bigger than I'd even thought. I'm sorry for both of y'all's loss, my brother. Grief demands a witness. Story's got to be told. The name's got to be said. And grief demands people sit in that discomfort, not with solutions and not with a bunch of answers and not with a bunch of you shoulds and are just, I hear you, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I'm sorry. And for everybody listening, somebody else's joy does not diminish your hurt or your pain. Both can be true. And what I have found in my own life is celebrating other people's joys, especially when I'm hurting, not hiding from their joys. I can't go over there to that birthday party, not after. Celebrating their joys has become one of the greatest antidotes to my own hurt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Because your body begins to realize there is laughter and there is life and the sun does come up even when you can't see it. Thanks for the call, Brother Conrad. Appreciate you, man. Everybody who experiences pregnancy loss, it's hard, heartbreaking, gut-wrenching. Sit with each other. Write the stories and say the names. We'll be right back. All right, we're back with Anne.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Let's go out to Baltimore, Maryland. What's up, Anne?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay, number one, there's so many other good podcasts you should listen to. And don't be nervous. I'm not that good at this job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Well, you're too kind. You're too kind. You're an antidote to how mean Kelly is to me. All right, so let's cannonball all the way in. Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
That may be one of the best questions I've ever been asked because it's so layered. I love how layered you made that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
It's very, very complicated. So good. Okay. I'll ask you, let's just reverse engineer the whole thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Give me your gut answer. Don't qualify it. Don't maybe. Just give me your straight from your gut answer, okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You're trying to qualify it. Just say divorce. Sit on it. Sit on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I want to leave him forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Exhale on that. Now demand evidence from it. Is that true?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I disagree with you on there, but that doesn't matter. What matters is you said the words out loud. I want a divorce. This is over. Period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And anytime I have those big stories in my head that are floating around, floating around, floating around. By the way, I have had that story in my head too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And I wrote it down and I sat in it and lived in it. And I changed my mind. And that's not everybody's path. And I don't even know what happened in your life. But here's, as you laid out that question, here's what I heard in that question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. Exhale on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You're holding your breath. Drop your shoulders down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I know. I can feel it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You said it out loud.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Now, I'm going to kind of poke holes in your story, and I want you not to just accept what I'm saying, but I want you to push back on me, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
If we've been together 15 years and we've created humans, how many kids you got? Two, three?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Three. Gosh, this may be the worst marriage thing I've ever said. If you get a hit in baseball three out of ten times, they put you in the Hall of Fame. So, it's a bad analogy, but you get what I'm saying. If he had one bad year, his dad dies, he just blew it. The other 14 years have been fine. It's been all right. That's one thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And I would challenge you to explore a guy who's begging you to go to therapy. Please go to a counselor with me. I blew it. You had surgery. I didn't show up for you. My mom got sick or my dad died, whatever. I just went bananas and I blew it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. But that tells me that either... You're annoyed by him because it's bad. I mean, you hate him. That's the past year you've put you through hell. Or this is the cap on 15 years worth. So walk me before this year. What has been going on for the last 15 years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Those are, I was going to say, if you, if you were in person with me just to lighten the mood, I was going to be like, well, at least you're three for three. Right. But you, you weren't even that right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
All right. If you circle back and listen to this call, and it'll be hard because it's weird when you hear your own voice, right? That's always weird. But for the people listening and for you, if you want to discern it, when you talked about you, I hear a strength and a resolve at the beginning of this call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
When you start talking about him, your whole cadence changes, your voice pitch changes. You're mad and you're angry that this dude has taken a decade and a half of your life. What I want to tell you is if you make decisions when you are angry, those are by definition going to be decisions that are not involving all the variables in the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So what I want you to do is to feel empowered, but I want you to own the last decade and a half. Here's what I mean by that. I want you to say the words, I have put up with this for a decade and a half. I have...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
sought healing i have sought trying to get his attention through 55 000 different like here's the deal i want you to get into the driver's seat of your own life because when you talk about him you sound like you got thrown in the trunk and i want you to make whatever decision you're going to make next because it's going to alter your entire life i want you to make it from the driver's seat not from the trunk okay
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And all that means is you take ownership. And when you start taking full ownership, you're going to have a season of deep grief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Because all this mad you've had at him is going to come back to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to recognize that you participated in this for a decade and a half.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Didn't allow it. You're not his mom. You participated in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You co-created this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
No, you've worked your butt off. You've worked your butt off. Okay? And I've said this a lot on the show, and people can agree with me or disagree with me. I think fidelity is a much fuller picture.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
This man got married to you and said, I do not want to participate in a marriage with you, period. And you've gone to hell and back to make sure you did your part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And so my bigger question to you is, you sound very resolved at the beginning of this call. What do you think you haven't done yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And I think my 30,000-foot view is your house is already blown up. The real question is, are you going to get the kids to safety? Or is safety going to be found where you are? There's just a different path towards it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I mean, I don't think they're... What does your husband think he's going to accomplish by this new therapy? This new whatever?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Why does he want to stay married to you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So behavior is a language. You've heard me say that a bunch, and so it's pretty clear what he thinks about you and your kids and your household and your marriage, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So let me say this. You can't go forward with a divorce. You can't go forward with your next right move. and suddenly expect somebody who has not loved you, cared for you, cared for these kids, been willing to sit down and co-create something new, do all the work. You can't suddenly expect that in the transition.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So as you're telling me, he can't even give me an explanation as to why he doesn't pay bills. He can't give me an explanation as to why he values baseball over our kids. He can't give you an explanation as to why he won't be sexually interested with his wife after a decade and a half.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You're making yourself crazy there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. You're looking for an absolution that will never come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Because if he could have given you that answer, you wouldn't be in this position right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
If he told you the truth from the get-go, you wouldn't be in this position right now. If going to professional help and not getting fired by one, two, three different professionals... And by the way, good on them. It's unethical to take somebody's money that just can't. I mean, it's like a contractor who's unable to build a house in the area that somebody wants them to build.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
It's unethical to take their money. Good on your therapist. True.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
But therapists need to eat. So when they fire you, that's a big deal, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you have joined us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm here to sit with you and we'll figure out the next right move. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Here's the deal. The days of reflection for you have to end at some point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And so just as you're describing this, it sounds very much like me talking to the parent of a teenager.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You spend every minute of your day looking in the mirror at Ann.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What have you done? What did you not done? What did you say? What did you didn't say? It's been a decade and a half. Fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
At this point, reflection, looking in the mirror, listening to another podcast, reading another book, going to find another professional, it's a Xanax. It's a way to delay going forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
No, I'll tell you. I think that can be a straw man sometimes. Okay. So it's, yes, a loving household full of joy and laughter and connected relationships with two parents is statistically better for children. And so people always ask like, well, then we should just get divorced because we don't have that. My answer is always no. Get that. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Two people can decide who've chosen a miserable marriage can choose an awesome one. They literally can choose that. And everybody listening, they're going, no, they can't. They for sure can. If you choose to make changes. If you choose to make changes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And if you have a partner that's looking at you saying, I don't love you enough to do this. I don't love them enough to do this. Can I just toot my own horn for one quick second?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And... And his response, quite honestly, is very much like a teenager response, that I'm moving out. I'm 16, I'm moving out. I don't want to live here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
In 2018, maybe, maybe 17 or 18, I got a new fancy job and my gift to myself was a major league ticket. All the baseball games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And you just probably broke out in hives, didn't you? That's like one of your triggers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I'm a lifelong Astros fan and they finally had a good team.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And I was coming home from work exhausted and I was laying down on the TV and I had a young, young little boy. Dad, let's go play baseball. Let's just watch the Astros. Let's go play baseball, Dad. Let's go watch the Astros. And one day my son asked me, and he wasn't being manipulative. He wasn't old enough to be manipulative. He was just literally asking for facts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Dad, do you love me as much as the Astros? I canceled that ticket that day. It's off. I turned it off. Because what my son was seeing in real time was how obsessed I was with this baseball team.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I know, but I need you to say, sometimes I got it wrong. I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. I thought I could go work 14 hours a day on behalf of my family and keep up with my lifelong, since I was zero, baseball team. And I thought I could crash on the couch and just relax. And I thought I could do quality dad-kid time all at the same time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And an innocent question from a three or four or five, I don't know how old he was. And he wasn't trying to say, do you love me more than baseball? You got to choose. He wasn't doing that. He was just saying, I see you love that. I wonder where I stand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Right? And it sounds like the question of him... I don't want to get into it, but I kind of do. You say he wasn't looking at porn, and he's not doing this, and he's not doing this. Was he pausing on it? If I look at Instagram right now, every 10th scroll is somebody in a bikini top or something. You know what I mean? And like, mine's a work thing. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And boom, we're off. And I lived on a steep, steep, steep hill. And I chased baseballs up and down the street because he was a kid and he would throw them sideways or he'd miss the bike. Right. She became part of it. But here's the thing. That's a choice I made. Behavior is a language. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What I'm telling you is, and I'm not better than anybody else. I just happen to have that real life situation happen in my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Does my son know I love the Astros? Yep. Do I miss games? Yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I choose my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I know, but do you see... It's like... He's immature. He's immature. He's immature. He's immature. He's wildly immature. He's painfully immature. He's unwell, unwell, unwell, painfully unwell. And then he does something immature and unwell, and you're like, no way! Right? Well, yeah. You have to choose to start living in reality and stop being surprised.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And what you've done is every time you set yourself up for maybe this time, boom. Maybe this time, boom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And that's preventing you from taking the next step. I'm not going to tell you to divorce your husband. I'm not going to do that. That's your call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I'm not going to tell you to leave your husband. I'm going to tell you behavior is a language.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And if you go back and listen to this, you seem very resolved in your next step. That's what I hear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Have you written on a piece of paper, here's what must be true, and handed it to your husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Are you scared of him being violent, Ann?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I don't know. Has he ever been suicidal before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. Has he ever been violent to you before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. That's significant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay? Fair. So you can't control the other side. If you think he's going to be violent, then you have him served. If you think he's going to go off and do something irresponsible, call 911. I'll also say, if you've never written down on a piece of paper, here's what must be true. Here's what I want and need in this marriage. No baseball. No major league ticket. We will pay bills together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
We will be a household that. If you haven't done that, try it. And if you know and your guts were past that, then do the next right thing. But yes, kids deserve to grow up in a home that they walk in the door and it feels safe inside. And yes, I'm right on this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Having two parents in that house that are connected and loved and provide that stability and safety, not conflict-free, conflict's actually good because it shows kids two people can be in conflict and still be on the same team. That's the best. But coming home and having a dad that's so scary that you're afraid to even say, hey, here's what I need.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So, and my social media person is a young woman. I'm not pausing on anything ever. Right. It's still just there. Or if I go to the news right now, if I went to check on the weather, there's going to be some little like ad strip on the side with somebody in a bathing suit or somebody almost topless selling me like a, like a Kia. Right. Yeah. So tell me, is he pausing on this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
A dad that is so devoid of responsibility and security and safety. Yeah, it's not a good place. I wish you the best, sister. Get people to walk with you. Sit down with an attorney and walk through every nuance here. Sit down with a couple of girlfriends that you can text 24-7-365 as you enter into this process. Get some people to walk with you. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
All right, we're back. Hey, before we read the social post, real quick, Kelly, there seemed to be a theme in today's show, which is like rules versus boundaries versus just the whole thing just feels messy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Yeah, like a rule. I have rules with my kids. When I think of rule, and again, people in the comments world, like I could be wrong on this. Here's the way it maps out of my head. Rules infer a power hierarchy. I come to work at a place. They say, here are the rules you will abide by to work here. Cool. I can opt in or I can opt out, right? My kids, you are my kids. I have dominion over you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
I am your dad. This is your mother. We will tell you what happens in this house. Now, as a part of educating them, of course, we're going to bring them along, but there are rules in our house. There are rules in restaurants. There are rules to live in a society. You have to drive this speed. And even the other day, my car may or may not be unregistered right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And a policeman got behind us and got real, real close. And I was with Josephine. We were on our date, daddy-daughter date. And I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm about to get a ticket. She goes, what does that mean? And I said, they're going to turn the lights on. It's going to be a whole thing. We'll pull over. They'll give daddy a ticket because daddy's breaking the rules.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
She, my eight-year-old, launched into this tirade. It was every bit. It could have just been word for word a new Rage Against the Machine song. They don't have a right to do that. They're just driving around judging people. They don't get to make all these rules. They don't get to just tell you a hundred times what you have to do and how you have to drive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And I looked at her and I was like, they for sure do. That's their job. She's like, yeah, they're just judging everybody. And I said, hey, I opted to drive on these communal roads. These roads have rules. And she's like, that's ridiculous. And you and mom do it too. It just went in this whole thing. And so... Yeah. Yeah. Everybody pray for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
It's teenagers are going to be tough up in here, up in here. Um, so rules are you agreed to it or, or just by nature, there's a power boundary is a thing that I put into the world that keeps me safe, keeps us safe. And it, it, a boundary suggests, um, when a couple makes a boundary, it suggests something egalitarian. We are doing this together to keep us safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And so us, we don't want, um, a bunch of wild pornography in our marriage. We're going to put this boundary up. Are you in? I'm in. You hold this gate. I'll hold this gate. We are not going to be consensually non-monogamy, a non-monogamous. You can't sleep with somebody. I will sleep with somebody. It's a boundary we're putting on this relationship, right? Or whatever the thing is. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What are you quote-unquote catching him doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Your parents can't just show up at our house on random Tuesdays and stay for four weeks. That's a boundary we put on our house, right? That seems like something we do together. And often couples, somebody doesn't get what they want and it just gets real paternalistic or maternalistic real fast. You will, you will not. So that's just the way, I don't know. That's the way I think about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
If you find yourself in a marriage relationship and you find yourself making rules for your partner, that is a relationship that is not going to make it. That is about, I think I am better than you. I have power over you, and you will do this thing if you're going to be with this, right? And that's just a recipe for somebody. What happened in that first call is, all right, then I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
The boundaries are about identity. Who are we going to be? And how are we going to unify to protect this thing? Does that ring true?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And here's the thing. I think all these calls had this in common. Not the call about loss, but the first and last call had this. People can hear your rules or your boundaries. They can walk away. Right? Amazon just said, everybody's coming back to work five days a week. All their employees are like, bye, Felicia. Like, right? They have to deal with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Or, hey, we're a couple that doesn't cheat on each other. Yeah, I cheated on you. All right. And I don't think our culture gives us psychology. It's like, you got to do boundaries. You got to do this. You got to cut people off. We don't have a good psychology for self-worth when someone says, all right, I'm out. So there you go. This is a tough show. It's kind of like a show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
We're here. That's true. We're here. You don't have to name him or anything, but what is he stopping at? What's he looking at?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Like there's a gritty other side to boundaries and my rules. And sometimes people leave. Sometimes people don't. It doesn't work out. And it's easy to be like, good riddance. It hurts. It's hard. It's hard. See you guys next time. Love y'all. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. So, um, What I hear is a guy who is struggling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And I hear a guy who said, like, who agreed with his wife either to quote unquote your rules or y'all sat down and said, here's, you both sat down and co-created this identity. Who's here? Who's, this is who we're going to be. We're going to channel 100% of our sexual desire and energy into each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Game on. Okay? That sounds like a noble goal. Okay? Go get it. And then both of you are going to have to learn how to handle that intensity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Right? It's a lot. But here we are. And then he stopped looking at what we would call traditional pornography.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Then he found, like, that the internets keep hollering at him. So he got rid of Instagram. Then he got rid of TikTok. And then he got rid of Facebook. And occasionally he clicks on a picture of a butt. Right? Like, so I see a guy continually making another effort and another effort and another effort, and then he comes to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Hey, we're about to hit a major milestone. We're knocking on, not heaven's door,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What I hear is a guy that can't win, or more specifically, a guy who's struggling and whose wife is standing on the side of the bank of the river with her arms crossed saying, if you can't swim, you're done. Is that fair? Am I mischaracterizing that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What led to the ultimatum? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
bob dylan slash guns and roses but we are knocking on a million subscribers to youtube if you will please take a second and hit the subscribe button um it just moves you up in the algorithm algorithm thing and it's just puts the show in front of people who are desperately in need of someone just to sit with them and say uh here's the next right move if you'll stop for just a second hit subscribe send this episode out to your friends and family that would be such a gift to everybody um what else
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
When you say weird, are you talking about like for real weird sex stuff? Cause the internet is a dark, gnarly place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Okay. That's all you gotta say. Yeah. There's, there's, yeah. Anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And so, I mean, we, this is what I think is the problem in the, the popular media is Like, boundaries are all the rage right now. I talk about them all the time. Ultimatums. Like, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
The great cutoff, right? I'm not talking to my parents because one time when I was a kid, right? All that kind of stuff. Right. What nobody talks about is when the person on the other side of the boundary goes, ah, okay, cool. You'll have a good one. And they head out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And they basically call your bluff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And so the question you have to ask yourself is multifaceted. Number one, when you said ultimatum, that means ultimatum. That means either or, if then. You do this or I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So you have to be able to say, I was wrong on that. Or, bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
If you're weird internet searches and you're like, if that's more important than this, and by the way, it's not, it's a deeper thing. He lives in a failure factory. He can't win.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Or he feels he can't win.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Or he's making choices to not win. Right. All that's true. Right. Um, he has not made the decision to quote unquote, get clean. And that's hard. Right. Um, and he says bye, then you got what you wanted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Right? You wanted a life with or without a partner. You didn't want that garbage in your life. So here you go. You got it. So you have to decide, A, am I right on that? Or B, okay, I overstepped. I'm sorry. I was wrong. Number two, you have to own that continually over-paternalizing him, over-parenting him is not working.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And you all have to go, and this isn't about watering down your boundaries or watering down your values. It's you saying, I value us together. And the way I've been trying to keep us together is by increasingly becoming your mom, and that's not working.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And so you need to go sit with somebody and learn some new skills.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Right? And I think telling him that. That I value monogamy in all of its forms. And I value you and I want to be the recipient of that laser focus of your sexual energy. And by the way, I've got to learn how to hold that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Oh, the Questions for Humans, they're out. They are in the wild. We got third editions of the three all-time favorite decks, the Couples and Parents and Kids and Friends, and we've got the Questions for Humans Intimacy deck. Go pick it up. The reviews are awesome. It's been amazing. All right, let's go out to Tacoma, Washington. Not Toyota Tacoma, just Tacoma, Washington, and talk to Susan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And underneath all of that, this sounds troubling and hard to hear, but my guess is his continued going down rabbit holes has very little if nothing to do with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
And he has to make a commitment to, I want to get to the bottom of these fetishes. I want to get to the bottom of curiosity. I want to get to the bottom of just opening these accounts and clicking and clicking and clicking and clicking down these rabbit holes. And he has to decide if he wants to stay with you. Because he may not want to give that stuff up. He may not want to give up the illusion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Like, I didn't even go from my mom's house to yet another mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
So do you want to stay married to this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Are you willing to do it and not cash in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
This is a pivotal moment in a lot of marriages.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
Where you either recommit together. He doesn't give up on himself and on you. And you don't give up on him or one of you kills a part of themselves and just says, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
You either are like, whatever, he has a weird internet-y thing, fine. And you never are fully present because it grosses you out and makes you sad and all that stuff. Or he just resents you and continues to have a secret life that you can't put on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Gave My Husband an Ultimatum and Now He Wants a Divorce
What's your next move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And Helix Mattresses has mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot, if you've got spine concerns, if you lie on your back or your side or your stomach, whatever. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial and every Helix Mattress comes with a 10 or 15-year warranty. Right now, I want you to stop for two minutes, get online, and take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did.
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I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You'll find your perfect mattress, and you can buy it right now, and they'll ship it right to your door. And this is incredible. Right now, Helix has a special March sale that's tied into that big basketball tournament. To celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and cinderellas, you can get 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 20% off everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, and more. And you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Go check out hallo.com slash Deloney for three free months. That's hallo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe. Hit subscribe and leave five-star reviews. And just otherwise, click the thumbs up. I don't know how the internets work, but just let the algorithms know you're in on the show. And if something we talk about today...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
you're like, oh man, my friend needs to hear this or my mother-in-law needs to hear this. Please send the show their way. It makes such a huge difference with all the internets and the computers and the algorithms. And by the way, it just helps people. And here's another cool thing. Big announcement. We just had our money marriage get away here and it was off the chain like always.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
We're running it back like we do every fall. Every marriage needs intentional time, a way to disconnect from life's busyness, reconnect and build a life they love together. here's what we're doing. We're running the Money in Marriage Getaway. It's going to be in November 6th through 8th, 2025.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Three days here in Nashville with me and my good friend, Rachel Cruz, and a couple of other super special guests. We're in Nashville, so you never know who's going to show up. Three days of laughter, hard conversations, maybe some tears, intentional time together, and lots of practical teaching. We talk about money. We talk about sex. We talk about communication.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
It's kind of like if you listen to the show and you want to be like, yeah, but, but, but, but. That's what this retreat is, is us getting into the details. And my favorite part is we intentionally keep this small. We intentionally don't put it in four or 5,000 seat places because we want people who show up to have access, to ask their questions, get their questions answered.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So if you come to this and you leave without your question answered, that's on you. We try to get to every single question that we can and make sure people are heard and seen. Early bird tickets for the entire weekend. And by the way, we keep it intentionally below market value because I know people are struggling financially. It's $750, $749 for three full days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And every time we launch this event, tickets sell out fast. So hurry up, get on it, ramseysolutions.com slash events, or you can click the link in the description if you're listening on the tubes or on podcast. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Fletcher. Hey, Fletcher, what's up? Hey, how's it going? Doing great, brother. How are you, man? Good, good. Can I give you some context?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You can do whatever you want, man. Cannonball.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And so I want you to exhale on that one. Marriage is two people agreeing, come what may, we'll be right here. And when we turn this corner together and you realize your dad wasn't who you thought he was or her mom wasn't who she thought she was or whatever, like, I'll be right here. And when you get sick and when you go through challenges and when you struggle with addictions, I'll be right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So how can I help you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So as an accountant over the last three years, in one of the most bananas job markets in the history of the United States, where in many places it was a sign-up sheet, right? It was like to get a job. And I know that's not the case across the board, but for a licensed accountant, for somebody who knows how to manage numbers, good God almighty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I feel like there's a question beneath this question. Because, I mean, cutting to it, you struggled with pornography as a teenager, and you were a teenager during the years when it was the Wild West. when moms and dads just gave their kids cell phones, like gave them open access to the worldwide web.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And then one of the most insane parenting shifts in the history of humanity and me growing up, you had to find somebody who had a dad who had a playboy or a penthouse. And now every, every pornographic, everything of all time ever is in a cell phone and parents just hand them to their 13 and 14 and 15 year old kids. It's madness. It's insanity. Yeah. But listen, I,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Bro, you're a child from 13 to 18. Let yourself off the hook. Relax, okay? Don't go to war against your teenage self, your kid. All right? You bringing in self-hatred, I'm more concerned about that. Let me put it that way. I'm more concerned with you going into your marriage thinking you're gross or something's wrong with you. The second thing is, let's just be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Is that cool, just you and me and a couple million people listening? You're always going to be interested in seeing beautiful naked people. Always. And so beating yourself up about that, it's madness. Don't do that. There are beautiful, attractive people everywhere, all over. It just is and is. It's that next step, dude, when you decide to log in and click on it. Right? Right. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And you can set up systems. You can set up accountability. Whatever the things you got to do, you can set those things up so that you don't do that thing. Yes, sir. You get what I'm saying? So that part... Right. That part is something we can work through. You're not a bad guy. I don't think you're evil. I don't think you're a terrible person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
But what's beneath this is something I want to dig into more. What's the thing beneath the thing? Is she having doubts about marrying you because you looked at pornography before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Okay. Then I'm going to tell you something crazy. All right? You have a pen and paper. Write this down. Okay. Don't. You know what I mean? Right. If she truly forgives you, then you need to do the hard work of forgiving yourself. You messed up. You violated y'all's shared trust. She said, pornography is infidelity as far as I'm concerned, and it makes me feel less than. And you said, I hear you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And it sounds like a couple of times you broke that trust. And you're a courageous 23-year-old. Most 23-year-olds are just a ball of hormones and cowardice. You're not that. You went and told her, hey, I messed up, and I'm sorry. And you had to deal with the consequences, which is her telling you, that breaks my heart. It makes me feel less than. It makes me feel not beautiful. Whatever she said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Right. And if she says, I forgive you, I still want to marry you, then you need to stop carrying those bricks around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And he quit, I was going to say, the last two years or so, it's been a bloodbath in the mortgage industry, but 22, it was still raining mortgages. So he quit when this thing was hot to trot, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You grew up in a generation where 99% of sex ed came from pornography. It's how – it's because parents sure as hell weren't having that conversation because they were raging cowards. And they either didn't know how to do it or they refused to go get the tools to do it. So they had this awkward super talk one day and then called it good or they never had that talk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I imagine there's a lot here, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
They put a pamphlet on, you know, in your backpack and said, go on about your day. Or they outsourced it to some 25-year-old youth minister who – Don't get me started, dude. So here's the thing. You were set up to fail as a 13-year-old. And your parents may be amazing and wonderful, but most parents handled this terribly. Okay? It is what it is what it is. But here we are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Now, your adventure moving forward is to learn how to not blush when you hear the word penis. To be able to stand in front of your wife and And say, this is all of me. Do you still love me? Because I love you. And to be able to have frank and fun and erotic and hilarious and awkward conversations with your wife about sex. And nobody taught you about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And so you're going to have to fumble through it. But keep committing. I'm going to mess this up. We're going to screw this up. Let's try it again. Let's try it again. Let's try it again. Do you get what I'm saying? Yes, sir. I like it. But, man, I don't think you're a bad guy, Fletcher. In fact, I think you're one of the good guys. Thanks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And you're going to struggle with the idea of pornography probably for the rest of your life. And so you, I mean, you'll get old and you won't care. But when I say struggle is you're always, I mean, it's like being an alcoholic and they just, not alcoholic, but it's like having, struggling with alcohol.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And then all of a sudden, a couple of computing companies give you an endless stream of a super insane alcohol and put it in your pocket. And say, you have to have this at work. You have to have this for your social life. You have to have this for everything. And by the way, don't drink. Right? It's madness. It's madness. So... It might be you're not going to have a personal computer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You're just going to have your work laptop. That's all you're going to have at the house. It might be that you get one of those accountability software programs and you give it to one of your buddies. You give it to your wife. It might be that the next time you find yourself starting to scroll and wanting to go down...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
to find some pornography on your phone or on your computer, you stop and you say, okay, what's going on in my life? Do I feel lonely? Do I feel tired? Do I feel bored? Do I need to release? Do I feel super horny? Like, what am I feeling right now? And let that be, be curious about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
When you go into judgment and you go into just that dark shame and then your body has to do what it's got to do to try to feel better real quick, right? Yeah, that's true. So the thing that has helped me eating junk food, which is one of my great vices, is right when I'm about to grab yet another handful of cookies is to ask, am I actually hungry? What else is going on in my life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So we agreed it was time for plan B. But he jumped off the boat without just into the lake. He didn't have another boat to jump into, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Almost always when I'm just grabbing junk food, I've got some sort of relationship challenge, whether it's with my wife, my kids, my parents, my work colleagues. I got something relational going on. And it was such a revelation to figure that out. Do you get what I'm saying? Yes, sir. So track it back. Track it back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Every time you're about to click on something, just stop and go, okay, what's going on in my life? But I'll tell you this. No one has ever gotten permanently better by hating themselves into behavior change. You have to decide your worth, not poisoning your mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
and blowing out the hedonic parts of your brain and super charging your sexual appetite in a way that no human on the planet can satisfy. Thank you. Is that fair? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Do you trust that girl that you're about to marry? Yeah. Does she say she loves you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Okay. And if she's someone who tells you the truth, I want you to believe that. And I want you to be sad for a minute. Maybe you write 13-year-old you a letter and say you're about to go through six years of unfettered access to the most vile, crazy, supercharged, bananas things in human history. And you're a kid and you shouldn't have gotten access to that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And I'm sorry that the world did this to you. But now that I'm an adult, I'm going to take control of this thing. Yes. Is that fair? Let that little kid off the hook, man. He's a kid. He's 14 years old, 16 years old. Right? As a society, we don't let those kids smoke cigarettes and drink beer because they're kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And so it doesn't help anybody to get to be 23 years old and turn around and yell and scream at them. Because there was a lack of adult supervision in their life. And there was some really supercharged algorithms that targeted them and took their souls from them. I'm not going to blame a 16-year-old for wanting to see naked girls.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I'm not going to blame a 16-year-old for being curious about sex because nobody else in their world is talking about it. I'm not going to be upset with a 16-year-old who wants to see what naked men look like. I'm not going to get mad at that. They're 16. I expect adults to be adults. And right now they're not. And by the way, adults are like, no, I don't care, dude. I give my kids a phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
What does that mean? Like buying and selling, reselling eBay stuff?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
It's fine. It's just like it's not. This is what we get. We get 23 and 24 year olds who want to get married and they hate themselves for things they did when they were 13, 14, 15, 16 and 18 and whatever. Because nobody helped with boundaries is what we get. As adults, man, we got to do better. We just do. Fletcher, thanks for the call, brother. Let me know when y'all get engaged.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
We'll be rooting for you. I think your future fiance, your future wife is marrying one of the good guys. Blessings to you, brother. We'll be right back. All right, here's the deal. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the lame cat videos and endless streams of AI influencers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So he just watches a lot of Instagram reels?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Have you sat down and told him, I no longer respect you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
All right, let's go to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick. What's up, Rick?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Is she on any sort of prescription medication?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Okay. Based on what you're telling me... How old are you guys? How old are you? How old is she? I'm 53. She's 56. Okay. And this is all sudden and new? This hasn't been going on for 23 years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Okay. So there's – and the nerd word is decompensating. So it's you're just watching somebody essentially – turn to ash or a pillar of salt right in front of you, right? They're becoming a shell of who they were and descending into, I guess a crass way to say it is descending into madness. They're experiencing a world that objectively doesn't exist, but to them is very, very real. Correct. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And I have tremendous, I've sat with those folks and I've sat with people, I mean, holding their hand with them, clenching me as though there is somebody with a hatchet coming at us and there's nothing there. And so my compassion for folks in her situation run very, very deep. Okay. I also understand that the perception of, let me say it this way. You as a husband, how long you been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
20, 30 years? Yeah. 30 years. There's a sense that, and this isn't to call you out, this is to give you peace. There's a sense that, A, these things sometimes happen by degrees. And it's kind of like seeing an old friend from high school that suddenly gained a hundred pounds. They don't recognize it. But when you see him, you're like, Oh my gosh. Right. Or the opposite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
How have y'all paid the bills the last three years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
They've lost a hundred pounds for them. It was just a couple ounces a month for the last 30 years. And so this might be happening by degrees and you're just, you're just picking up extra weight. Cause it's kind of your life, but your son shows up for a weekend. He's like, Whoa, dad, mom is not safe. Right. So there's that, but there's also, here's the other side. You're not a bad guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You're not an unattentive husband if your wife is using and you don't know. So I want you to free yourself from, no, I'm confident that's not true, and I want you to put everything on the table right now as a possibility, okay? Right, okay. So give yourself some peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
If she's somehow got a hold of some medications, some drugs, and she's using and you don't know it, that doesn't make you a bad or unattentive guy. Sometimes people who struggle with deep, deep, profound paranoia are extraordinary at hiding. Because in their souls, they have to because nobody else knows what's going on. So I tell you that to tell you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You are at a place now, I'm just telling you professionally, she desperately needs you, the man who loves her, to intervene on her behalf. And what that looks like is a direct conversation. This ends today. You're going to go. You can come with me or someone's going to come pick you up. You get to choose, but you're going today for a psych eval. And that's an end of a conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And it has to be done in a way. And sometimes people can do it by themselves. So I've done it for people, right? When they think, you know, no, I can manipulate my husband. I can manipulate my wife. And I show up to the house. I'm like, yeah, yeah, manipulate me because I don't care. I don't have a stake in this. But you are going. Or sometimes people get their family together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You've probably seen some of those intervention kind of shows. But it's basically a declaration. This ends today. Here's the... Depending on what state you're in and depending on any number of other factors, sometimes people can walk in and the standard for a state to take away somebody's civil rights, to say you are no longer in control of your life, we are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So sometimes adults will get... like committed, they'll be in an institution for three or four days and then it will occur to them, I can just leave, I'm an adult. And often they're right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah, I mean, you don't know what they're dealing with at work either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Well, I would say two things. Number one, that's yet one more data point that she may be, to put it nicely, borrowing from a pharmaceutical cabinet. If she's got access to other people's pharmaceutical drugs, and you're watching her rapidly change in front of you. Because one of the things I want to know if I'm doing an assessment on somebody is do they have access?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Is she not your daughter also?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And if they're a healthcare professional, the answer is undoubtedly yes. Yes, correct. That's number one. Number two, people who struggle from extreme paranoia sometimes are experts in compartmentalization because they think they're running a game on everybody else. Not a game, but they're running a – they're having to survive, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So think of it like a Sherlock Holmes episode where he has to dress up and go and play a part. Right. And so it can go on for years. And here's the other thing I would tell you. Without a proper clinical assessment, you at home trying to armchair quarterback it, you're watching her get worse in front of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
That is okay. And when you tell her you have to go see somebody, you've got to go get a clinical assessment because I'm losing my wife, you will be the devil incarnate. And you have to love her enough to walk through those hot coals. That's my fear. I mean, here's the other thing, brother. What's the other side of it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
How long have y'all been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Can I be real crass with you? Yeah. Or not crass, just real direct. You've got to choose your heart. You're going to choose for a season to have your wife, who is not well, think she hates you. She doesn't. But to confirm, when you think everyone's out to get you and you find out somebody else is noticing your behaviors, it just confirms it. It makes it worse. It's like gasoline on a fire. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Right? Except et tu, Brute? Like, not you too, right? Like, you're my husband. You don't see this? And so, yes, expect an amplification of this a hundredfold and it all to be channeled on you. The other side of it is Often when somebody is unspooling like this, they know it. They feel it. And it often ends with loved ones planning a funeral.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So you've had a youngster living with you for 10 years and you don't consider her your daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Correct. And so anytime I'm talking to somebody, I'm always looking at trend lines. Everybody has bad weekends, bad days, bad whatever. That's fine. This is something that is... is on a negative trend line. You stepped out and had a third party show up and this, your son went, Oh my Lord, we got to get her some help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So unless your son is a hypochondriac and, and I say that in the funny way, not in the clinical way, but like he's overdramatic and you know, your kid, but it sounds like when he said it, you were like, you're, I know you're right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I would not use the word mental help. I would have all three of you. Are they adult kids? Adult kids. They don't live at home. We all live in different areas. Perfect. I think you'll all three sit down and say, we love you, and we know that you're not well. And everything about you tells us that you're terrified and you're scared of your own home and your own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
We want you to go talk to somebody. I'm fine. I'm not going to do that. Well, here's the deal. Today you go. And I'm willing to risk you being upset with me and have you involuntarily committed or I'll go with you and we'll get you checked in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Good morning, good afternoon, good night. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you're joining us. On this show, we talk about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your kids, local schools, whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah, you rearrange it, and you can go to an inpatient where they can do a 48-hour or 72-hour hold. If she signs up for it, then that's a whole other track. But you'll have to wait, unfortunately. You'll have to wait until something bad happens if you're going to have her involuntarily committed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Because they don't want old grouchy husbands who thinks their wife is annoying in the middle of a football game to get committed, right? So that line is very high.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Right, but fibromyalgia is often almost universally. It's been a minute since I read the latest, but it's almost universally. It's rarely diagnosed in somebody that doesn't have existing mental health disorders. Right. Does that make sense? And I'm sure there's a chicken or egg component to it, but chronic pain often is highly comorbid with other more significant challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
It's your body's way of saying, I'm trying to get your attention. We're not okay. Right. We're not safe. Okay. And it could be relationship challenges. It could be work challenges. It could be any number of things going on. Um, but I think it's sitting down saying the time has come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I love you enough to risk you not liking me, being mad at me, hating me, whatever you think you're going to say, but you gotta go get some help. Do you have any, um, and I say this very delicately. Do you have anybody at know anybody at her workplace where you could sit down and talk? I do not. Okay. I would be stunned if they don't know something's up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
My guess is it's unspooling fast too. Okay. That's, I mean, I mean all, and again, all we're doing is following patterns and trends here. Um, I think you want to validate her lived experience. I don't want you to say, I don't think you're hurting. I don't think you're scared. All those are very, very real. I think you use I words a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Um, we'll let that be another call. That'd be another call. You can call for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I can't sit here as your husband of 30 years and listen to you go in the bathroom and scream and then collapse. I, as your husband of 30 years, I, as your son, cannot listen to you hitting yourself in the face, hitting yourself on the arms, screaming, yelling. I can't be here to watch you falling apart like this and hurting like this. I'm going to call, and sometimes it's threatening.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I'm going to call somebody, and they're going to come pick you up, or we're going to get in the car. We're going to go down and get the help you need. I don't think you're crazy, but I think you are hurting so bad. It's cruel of me to let this continue to go on like this. I'm just telling you, Rick, once you get on that roller coaster, it is indeed a roller coaster.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And we are playing a two-year, five-year, ten-year game even. You're going to risk not being liked. You're going to risk her saying evil and awful things to you. You're going to risk her writhing and having no place for that pain to go. And so it gets dumped on you. That's for sickness and health for better and worse. I hate that, but it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
But I promise you, I promise you, it's better than planning a funeral. I promise you. Thanks for the call, my brother. Thanks for the call. You call anytime and happy to talk to her too. I can be of an encouragement to her. We'll be right back. All right, listen, folks, there's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health. There's just health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So go back to your question again. What are you asking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Just $69 a month when you lock in your plan, that's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net, that's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash deloney, trainwell.net slash deloney. Go. All right, we are back. I want to read some questions from recent Money in Marriage event. These are questions that people can drop in an anonymous box.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
An anonymous box. Yeah, I'm great at talking. Here's a couple of questions. How do I tell my wife of over 10 years that I still feel inferior and compare myself to her former husband and boyfriend, but she still makes me feel special? I just don't know how to get over those other men. Here's another one. How do I rebuild trust after an affair? I would love some steps to learn to trust again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Here's another one. I am broken and not feeling like I deserve or can be fixed. I cope by trying to give to everyone else which helps me feel a little better but I still feel depressed at times and can get angry with myself and others. Is there even one thing I can do to help me? Here's one more. What do you do when you've both been married before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
How do you make yourself stop feeling like you're plan B or plan C? And this is strange for me personally just because I get questions all the time on Instagram. By the way, I don't answer social media questions ever like this. I get tons of comments and things like that. And for whatever reason, there's a distance in those questions. I don't know if a person wrote them or if a computer wrote them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
They come just across in the same font. There's something about reading these note cards, people's – I'm thumbing through them if you're just listening here, but it's written in people's handwriting. And some of this handwriting looks clean and some of this handwriting looks desperate. And I know I'm reading into that, but it's just heavy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And so if you're asking yourself questions like this, this is going to sound bananas, but I want you to turn off the podcasts. And I want you to have a spark from a YouTube show. I want you to put down the books. By the way, I have a podcast. I got a YouTube show. I write books. Those are good for awareness. They're good for step-by-step plans.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
But when you're asking yourself, I'm feeling broken and I don't feel like I can or deserve to be fixed. I had an affair and I don't know how to rebuild trust in myself and my partner. And I need someone to walk with us step-by-step-by-step. how do you stop feeling like plan B or plan C?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Because if both of us, if both of our lives had worked out as we'd originally planned and we wouldn't know each other, we'd still be married to our original people. Like if you're there, can I recommend, please go see a counselor, especially men. We all go see a therapist, please. And if the therapist is terrible, go a couple of sessions and go somewhere else and ask for action steps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And I know as well as anybody does that sometimes it's cost prohibitive. 250 bucks an hour cash, $175 an hour cash. And you're trying to figure out how to pay your light bill these days. I get it. Or it's, yeah, I would love to see you. Our next available appointment is in seven months and you live in some rural community and that's all you got. You got no access.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Or you can go into a local church and sit with somebody who's completely untrained. They don't know what they're doing. And they, they beat you over the head with kind of out of context Bible verses. And you just walk, you stumble out into the light thinking something you're even worse off than you. I get it. I get it. This is one of the reasons why I support a program like BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Within 24 hours, they're going to talk to you and they're going to see you. And they can do couples counseling and all that kind of stuff. If you can't get into a local therapy place in your local community, in your town, if you can't afford it, please call my friends at BetterHelp. They'll answer the phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And if you don't like the therapist, if it's not going to work for both of you, then you can switch. But please make a commitment to yourself. If this is you, if you're walking around feeling like you can't be fixed, if you're walking around thinking, I'm always going to be a plan B. I'm always going to be a plan C. I don't know how to flip that. Please, please go see somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Please go see somebody. whether it's a local therapist, whether it's a local trained pastor, whether it's my friends at BetterHelp, please reach out. You are worth being well, and you're worth waking up full of joy in the skin you're born in. Thank you so much for being with us on this show. You are worth being well. Make the call. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So the answer is you can do whatever you want. You're an adult. You're a grown-up, right? I would suggest that is essentially an in-home divorce. Okay. That is you choosing to formalize the separation that has already taken place. And it wouldn't be a legal formalization, but it would be a financial formalization. These are your bills. That is your kid. This is my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah, and I don't want to do that. But then the next step is he won't, right? Forcing him is not going to work. It hasn't yet. You've tried all sorts of ways. I can almost guarantee it. And I don't know any married couple in this situation where the wife has lost the amount of respect you've lost. And I'm trusting you that it's not about a dollar amount. It's about like, this is three years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And like you said, fine, you don't have your dream job, but Like you haven't been working at Home Depot and then going to throw boxes at Walmart until midnight and then getting up at 5 a.m. to drive Uber to make – and then getting up the next – just as I know men across the country get up and grind it out on behalf of their families. Forget their dream job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Forget their purpose and passion or whatever other BS that is on Instagram. Like they get up and they make things happen. They mow lawns. Then they –
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
My promise is I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move for you, for your family, whatever y'all are working with. If you want to be on this show, this is real people going through hard stuff. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Leave a message and we'll holler back at you or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
go clean up the church i remember my dad being a policeman who made hardly anything and then would clean the church on the weekends and then we go mow lawns and even like you do what you got to do and um i've never met a couple in your situation where your sex life is great where y'all are exercising together going for walks or hikes or your dating life is great you get what i'm saying so it's just like the whole relationship's in ash
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah. And so I, it sounds like you're at an or what moment. So I guess I'd ask you, are you done being married to him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Like what he's doing right now is nothing. And he's doing that remarkably well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
That is true. Here's what happens. People in your situation often want to own part of reality. They want to hold on tight to this image that this is a good man. He's a good guy. It's just been three or four years since he's had a job. He just plays a lot of video games and lets his wife get up and go to work while he's still in bed every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And they come home and make dinner three nights a week or four nights a week and like whatever. And then always has a scheme, right? You want to hold like, no, he's a good man. He loves me, whatever. And on the other hand, he completely abrogated his responsibility to provide for his daughter, provide for his wife, to do anything remotely contributing to the household.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And what I want to tell you is that you only holding part of reality. The reality is behavior is a language. Your husband said, I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Until you rest in that, because now you have impetus to act. You have to do something. Actually, you don't have to do anything. You can live like millions of couples do, which is a completely lifeless, bloodless marriage. Yeah, yeah. Where you watch TV and scroll, and he watches TV and pornography, and he's just waiting to get the girl out of the house, and he found somebody to pay the bills.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Because, by the way, he probably doesn't want to be in his skin right now either, does he? No, not at all. I don't think so. Is he struggling from depression? I'm assuming he hadn't gone to see somebody, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
What does he do all day?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
All right, let's go right down the street here in Nashville, Tennessee, and talk to Christine. Hey, Christine, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Christine, there's no deal. You know there's no deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
You know that. Yeah. And I think in some ways you're letting the closed door keep you from the conversations that you know you need to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So I heard, man, she really challenged me on this. I heard Dr. Becky Kennedy say recently, a boundary is something that requires nobody else to do anything. A boundary is for you. It's a declaration of what you're going to do. And I think that you're at an either or moment either I love him. I'm not getting divorced. I'm married to a guy that won't work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I'm married to a guy that is giving a yet another troubled picture to his daughter of what marriage looks like. But this is a guy married, partridge in a pear tree. I'm gonna make the best of it. I'm gonna go on about my life. That's option A. Option B is I've tried every conversation statement. I've tried dressing in sexy things. I've tried these kind of pseudo never again conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I've tried everything. So I'm at the end of my line here. So you get a job by this date, and by job I mean there's a direct deposit happening in our joint checking account, or you are choosing to leave. I don't know another option because right now you're choosing misery by sitting in the middle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Of course. Thanks for calling. Thanks for getting up early with us. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And you're worth more than being miserable all the time. He is too, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah, I agree. Have you ever asked him, hey, do you want to be married to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah. And here's what I would do. I would write down your conversation points.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And be very clear about using I statements.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And you probably heard me say that a million times and I know it gets hard when it's something's like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
But if you say I'm tired and I'm getting the message loud and clear, you don't want to be married to me anymore. I'm ready to go. Like if that's what you want, I'm ready to have that next step conversation. It's going to break my heart, but I'm not going to hold you here anymore. And I have to have something different in my home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I have to have a husband that contributes that I can anchor into also.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And for whatever it's worth, I know often women know this intellectually, but just from, just speaking from my guts, I don't know that It can be overstated how much dull-eyed men walking around have been told explicitly, implicitly. It's the air we breathe that you, I mean, the question is, what are you worth? That's the question. And men answer that with a number. I am worth this much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I make this much. Not I make furniture, not I make people have more peaceful lives. I make this many dollars. And so I'm not defending him, but I'm providing a context that sometimes when a wife grabs her husband and says, I don't care about the number. I care about watching the man I love have no purpose. And ultimately the house is, the life is leaving this home because the life has left you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
So I don't care what the number is right now. I don't know what your financial situation is. That can be a whole other call, but I don't care what the number is right now. I'm assuming you'll have money for groceries, but you got to do something. You have to go regain purpose. And for most people, regain purpose is done in tiny steps, tiny wins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I'm going to go get a job at Home Depot and I'm going to show up on time and I'm going to wash my clothes and put on my uniform and I'm going to help other people have better days. I'm going to go work at Walmart from 8 o'clock p.m. until 2 a.m. I'm going to put on headphones and I'm going to listen to podcasts and I'm going to throw boxes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
I'm going to stock shelves so that some exhausted mother comes in off her night shift at 6 a.m. and she can get the food she needs and she can get back to her kids. I'm going to go do that. I'm going to go provide some value somewhere. The money will follow. But maybe sitting down and say, I know you're not making what you used to and I know you feel trapped and yada, yada, yada.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
But forget the money. I'm watching my husband lose purpose and this has to happen. But at the end of the day, here's your boxed in, Christine, and I want you to unbox yourself. And that's either accepting what it is, making peace with it and deciding I'm not going to complain and whine about it. This is what it is, what it is. Or here's my line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Ooh, I imagine there's a lot here, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
And then your husband gets to make a terrifying choice. Is he in or is he out? And if he's going to be in, here's what that means very clearly. Let me know how that conversation goes, Christine. And if y'all have that conversation and he wants to give me a call and ask for next steps, I'm happy to walk alongside him too. Thank you so much. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress, the one at your house. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains? And do you think about how comfortable your mattress is at home every time you're out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Yeah, let it rip, let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Tired of Supporting My Husband and His Daughter
Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing, comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep. it's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on, Helix Mattresses. I'll tell you this, my Helix Mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep deeper so I wake up more refreshed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Both names are beautiful. Let's go out to San Francisco.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And you should feel real anxious. You should feel real nervous. And I want you to practice with a sober mind. Head directly into that anxiety. And call your sponsor before. Call your sponsor right after. But head directly through it, brother. And sit down and say, I still want to be your husband. We're heading towards the settlement. Is there any chance you still want to be my wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So I want you to like with fervor chase reality. Solve for reality right now. What is actually true? And I might have to practice being sober in that reality, and that's going to be really hard. And I thought meetings have been hard for the last year, but they weren't as hard because I was working towards getting back what was. What was is gone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Even if she comes back to you, your marriage is completely new because she knows you as somebody who lied to her face for seven years. and hid things and put her and her kids at financial and like emotional risk, significant risk. And so there's going to be years of trust rebuilding, even if she says, yes, I'm interested in being your wife again, but nothing you're telling me suggests that at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
In fact, the opposite, you know, I'm moving towards the closure here. And so, man, for your sake, Having that direct conversation with a loving spirit and a gentle spirit. And she might look at you and say, no, don't ask again, please. That's the best path forward. Otherwise, you are just trying to solve for fiction, for fantasy. It's not real. And if she says, yeah, then call me back, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
We did it. Yes, yes, yes. We did it. Sorry, man. There's a lot that happened. It was a wild holiday in the Deloney house. And I was like, oh, no, what does she know? What does she know? What does she know? No, it's... Yeah, dude, we hit a million. It was so great. And... 1,000% of this is because of you, the listener. Thank you all so much for being in our gang.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Because then there's going to be some pretty rad steps you all take together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
towards reconciliation towards coming back together towards rebuilding something completely new I can walk alongside you there but y'all aren't there yet right now you're at do I need to accept the reality that it's just coming towards me like a speeding train or is there a possibility that she's going to change her mind to last minute I hope so man I'm a romantic at heart dude I really hope that's what happens but I don't see any indication here man thanks for the call my brother call me back anytime we'll be right back
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and want to experience Lent in a whole new way, or you think all of this sounds crazy and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Plus, right now, you can get three months of Halo, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney. And that means your trial will last all through Lent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
When you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at halo.com slash deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge begins. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of hallow, absolutely free. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. You can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. All right, we're back. Let's go to Augusta, Georgia and talk to Eleanor. Hey, Eleanor, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And one of my favorite things in the world is being all across the country, meeting somebody, and them shaking my hand and saying, I'm one of the OG17. And that makes my heart feel so cool. That means you've been with us for a long time. But, man, we hit the million mark, and we're just getting rolling, which is awesome. As the great Limp Bizkit once said, we're just rolling, rolling, rolling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Yeah, but that doesn't minimize your pain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
That's okay. Tell me why such a heavy heart over having a third baby girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
No, you're okay. I can't even see you. We're just talking on the phone, so you can have all the tears you want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Oh, so that's, so you, in your head, the picture of your family included a little boy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay. So when you found out you're having a third girl, y'all made a decision, hey, we're going to go through hell again. Y'all aren't like first-time parents where it's like a lot of Googling and a lot of people telling you horror stories at the water cooler at the office. Y'all know this is awful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Um, and you just, you have a very real, it's like you've been in two rounds with Mike Tyson and you're not knocked out. And so like, I know what's about to happen in round three. Here we go. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Now, can we go out to San Francisco? You may. Awesome. Let's talk to Jim. What's up, J-I-M in San Francisco? Hi, good morning. Happy New Year. You too, man. Happy New Year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You have permission that you had a picture that's not, and you did all the things in your power to manifest this thing, right? You prayed for it. You like wished for it really hard. You went again, like, you know, you're going to put your body through tough times.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And often with this kind of severe, when your baby's in pain and you've got two other little ones, you know, the postpartum risk is higher. Have you experienced that in the past too? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Yeah. So, like, I think being sad is okay. And if for nothing else, have that permission. And what I will tell you is I haven't met anybody. I'm sure they exist. I'm confident that some people are going to blow up the comments of this thing. Fine. By the way, will you make me a promise not to read the comments on this particular call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
No, I know. Not the case at all. And you're going to want this baby.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I mean, it sounds like for a year, and I'm going to be out of line here. You may be through with the past, but the past is not through with you. What up? What's going on? It's 2025. Welcome back to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. I'm a dad. I'm a husband. I'm trying to figure it out right alongside each and every one of you. Some of you aren't dads. Some of you are moms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So let me tell you, there's millions of mothers who have that same, or husbands, dads who have that same, it was not in my picture. And it doesn't mean you're broken or wrong. If the baby's born and you reject this kid, yeah, then you got a problem. That's not going to be you, right? Your disappointment is okay. It's what happens if you choose to meditate on that disappointment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
If every discomfort you have, every kick you have in your tummy, every doctor appointment you have, if you begin to hate and rage, that's when you need to go sit down with somebody and take some professional precautions there, okay? Okay. Because right now, just being sad, like, oh my gosh, it was supposed to be this picture. That's the same as, I mean, I don't want to minimize it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
The story of being a parent is I have a picture for what my family is going to look like. And that picture almost is never realized.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
This third little girl will be chaos and a mess and super fun. Or she'll be quiet and reserved and oh, thank God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Right. And for whatever it's worth, last night I had dinner with one of my closest friends. It was a couple of friends and all three of their kids came over. He is the most avid sports fan I know. The most avid sports fan. And all three of his young daughters showed up. And he loves them and they are so fun and so brilliant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Well, thank you, brother. I appreciate it. And welcome to our cult. And we'll send you a jug of Kool-Aid here when you get off the phone. What's up, brother? How can I help, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And so, so these things that I thought I wanted, I think the key to life is keep being open-handed about what you get, what we get. Yeah. Right. And so your grief's okay. Do you have, I'm gonna ask you a really hard question. Do you already have a name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Well, here's what I want you to do. I want you to write him a letter. I want you to write him a letter. And say, I thought you were coming to our house. You went to somebody else's house. And we're going to miss you. And we know you're going to have a great, great, great life. And you better not marry my daughter. Because here's the deal. You're grieving it as a loss. You already have a name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay. Okay. But listen, if you don't let this picture you have, if you don't let this person, if you don't let this experience, this picture, this dream metabolize.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
My fear is you hand it to this sweet, amazing new daughter you're about to have for her to carry, and that's not hers to carry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Sure. So let's do this. Let's do this. You have an amazing husband. Do you have girlfriends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay. I want that to be the chief focus of the next two to three months for you. getting other women in your life that you can text, call, talk to, chit-chat with, whatever. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And I want you to honor them. We rob people when we don't ask for help because it's one of the greatest gifts in the world we can receive is when somebody says, hey, can you help me? That's a great gift. Not so great when they ask you to help them move, but any other requests? I want you to find a couple of women that you say, hey, I'm going to text you. Crazy hours of the night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Yeah, but hold on. Yeah, your friends aren't to throw grenades to. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
It has changed, but did your burdens chase people away? The things that you're challenged with chased them away? Or was it your lack of willingness to go head into these challenges, to go meet with a therapist, to go meet with a doctor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
That's not true, that's not true, but you have to be willing to deal with it when it gets heavy. Here's what I mean.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
If you have somebody you say, I'm having an anxious attack, an anxiety attack, and I'm pregnant again, I got two knuckleheads running around, And one of your friends texts you and says, thank you so much for sharing. Have you gone for a walk? And you say, I can't, right? Or I'm thinking about hurting myself. Okay, cool. I'm calling the doctor. No, no, no, you can't call the doctor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
If you're really my friend, you can't call the doctor. So if you're putting heavy, heavy burdens on people and they're willing to walk with you, but you won't go do the next thing, which is I need to go talk to a physician. I need to go talk to a psychiatrist. I need to go talk to my OBGYN right now. I need to go for a walk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Then people begin to back out because they've reached the end of what they can do to help you. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
What I don't want you to do is to look at the next six months as a automation. Like this is just, I'm on a boat on a river that I've been down before and there's an inevitability to what's about to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
What I would love for you to do is say, okay, I got in that same boat the first two times. I'm going to try a different boat this time. Doctor, I want an exercise routine and I want somebody to call when I start having tough thoughts. I'm going to be silly about sleep. I'm going to call a high school kid to come over and play with my little ones while I can take a nap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I don't know what must be true in your world to be well, but what if you flipped it and said, these are going to be non-negotiables because I negotiated on them last time and I saw that end result.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Because I hear in your voice like a resignation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
When's the last time you went and talked to a professional licensed counselor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I got you. But here's what I want you to do. I want you to sit with your counselor and I want you to tell your therapist that I had some friendships that I blew up over the last year. That they didn't seem able to hold my friendship. The needs I have. And I want to work on that. I need to find out. I need to parse through with you. And should help me look at this from a different angle. Was it me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Was it my friends? Was it... Was I not doing... Like, what was it? Because maybe your friends are jerks. They're like, I don't deal with your drama. And they left. Fine. Let them go. Or... It was, man, we keep wanting to walk alongside you, but you're not willing to take another step. You just want to dump your trash in our yard, and we're not going to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
But talk with your counselor about it. Work through those things individually. Work through them. I think that's fantastic. And I guess, yeah, it is so easy for me on this side of this to say that. I know that. But when I know I've experienced something once and I've experienced something twice... Maybe it's a personality thing. I don't want to just give in to the inevitability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Then I'll do it all different next time. I'm going to do all of it different next time. Just see. Because I already know what's going to happen here. Maybe I can get lucky with the other side of it. And that's not an indictment on you not doing any work. I know you've been working your butt off for the last year. Millions and millions and millions and millions of people have been working so hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
But sometimes it's just a realization. All right, that way didn't work. That way is not working. So I'm going to try this way. And you have an amazing husband, which is awesome. And there's going to come a moment when you guys continue to lean in. Here's your two letters. I want both of you and your husband to write a letter to this little boy. You'll have a name. You had it picked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And cheer this little boy on wherever this little boy happens to be in the cosmos. And then I want you to write a letter to this little girl. your new baby that's coming, how much you're going to love her, what kind of life she's going to have, how amazing her child is going to be. And begin to prep yourselves for going to be super girl dads, super girl moms, girls everywhere in the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And when that baby's born, she's going to be ready to rock and roll into a house that cannot wait for her to be there. But right now, it's okay to be sad. She's got to be bummed out. The picture was different. Thanks for the call. Call anytime. We'll be right back. All right. So I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Just kidding. It's the worst. It's amazing, but it's the worst. But it doesn't matter if I think it's the worst. Everything in my life takes place over the internet. My work, my personal messages and communications. I buy most things on the internet now. It's where I live. And It's where you live too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Or it's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup online now. Listen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the World Wide Web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of that online activity, who knows where our data is and who has access to it? Chances are high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
But my friends at Delete.me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing exactly what they removed and where from. So while we can't really avoid the internet, we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Individual delete me plans start as low as $9 a month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today and get 20% off. That's J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Check this out. Big announcement. Money and marriage getaway. My favorite event that I'm a part of is happening again this fall with me and Rachel Cruz. Every marriage needs intentional time away to disconnect from life's busyness, to reconnect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Talk about sex, intimacy, communication, fighting, all of it. I think, I'm kind of biased, it's the best marriage conference on the planet. You're not going to come to Nashville. You and your spouse are going to come for three days of laughter, hard conversations, some tears, intentional time together, and lots of practical teaching. And we set this thing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
We limit the number of people who can come. We could sell a jillion tickets and just... I don't know, download all this and do this. That's not the point of this thing. We want everyone to get every question they have answered. So there's tons of access to me and Rachel Cruz. Lots of times for questions and answers. Early bird tickets start at $749.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Every time we launch this event, tickets sell out ASAP. So you got to hurry. November 6th through 8th. 2025, November 6th through 8th, 2025, 749 bucks. That's for the whole couple. All you gotta do is get yourself to Nashville. You're gonna stay here for a couple of nights and we let you go Saturday at noon ish in the afternoon.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So then you can go hang out in downtown Nashville together, make it a long weekend. November 6th through 8th. Get your tickets at ramseysolutions.com slash events or click the link in the description if you're listening on YouTube or podcast. These will sell out. They always do. Get them ASAP. All right, let's go to Tucson, Arizona and talk to McCall. What's up, McCall?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Oh, Nicole, you're not supposed to see that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Yeah, I... I think you just need to remove the phrase get past it from your psyche.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
This won't be something you quote-unquote get past. This is something that you'll grow around and grow through. But get past suggests this thing just is in the road and you just go on down the road. And this is a part of you. It's a thing you saw. You saw something that people might see on a TV show or they can imagine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
but there's a visceral reality when you hear it, when you start using your senses, when you see it, and they burn themselves into your mind and body because your body has a protective mechanism. It doesn't want that to ever happen to you. So it puts a GPS pin in that. See, don't ever let that happen. And for you, that was your home. That was your neighbor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And so it electrifies the skin you live in. Right? It's not like it happened in an alley and so you don't go to dark alleys anymore. It happened at a relative's house. You don't go to that relative's house. This happened in your yard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Right? And so I think it is, the anxiety is right in that it's just trying to let you know, hey, you're not safe. Because a crazy thing happened to you. Happened to your neighbor, but you saw a crazy thing. You experienced it. And you want to add another layer of anxiousness onto that? Your kids saw it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Your kids seeing that, it's not your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You forgetting the blanket inside and having to go back, it's not your fault. You're a kid seeing really scary, scary things. It's not your fault. Open your hands and let that nonsense go, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I want to flip it around and thank God Almighty that you have two little kids who have got a mother and is dad in the picture?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You have a mom and a dad that love them so much that immediately got them out of harm's way because you didn't know what was up or what was down. You got them into the correct professional help as soon as possible. And kids are astonishingly resilient, especially when they're anchored into connective caregivers. The old saying in counseling is kids can experience all kind of trauma.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
They just can't experience it alone. That's when it becomes traumatic over time. Your kids didn't. They had you. They had a husband. They had professionals. So amen to you for being a good mom and a good dad throughout this thing. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I want you to let the fault part go. And every time that story enters into your head, I want you to do something that's going to make you look crazy. Okay? I want you to comically, abruptly stop that story. Nope. Nope. When you're in your shower and your mind kicks off to, well, you should have. Nope, nope, nope.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And what I promise you, what you will do over time is you will begin to shift this thing. You'll shift your default setting to, I should have to. Thank God I was able to. Fill in the blank.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay. Here's number two. What was the name of that man? Are you allowed to say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay. I want you and your husband to write Jeremy a letter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You're never going to give it to him. But this is walking your body through it. It's to help you metabolize what happened. And it doesn't have to be a nice letter. Hey, man, you scared our family to death. And I'm sorry that you were struggling so much with whatever was going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
actually have become friends with his parents and like they're like second grandparents to us so I've like kind of gotten over that anger that I felt towards him but it's just that yeah but the fear part's still there yeah and so what you do is you have a lot of imaginary conversations with him or about him and your body doesn't know the difference when you're it's in your head so it spins up the fight or flight as though this whole thing's kicking off again
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And then it goes right back to the gurgling sounds. It goes right back to the awkward way somebody's neck cranks to like a really unnatural angle. Or somebody's ankle rolls over. Like all those little micro nuances are stuck in your soul. And when you start doing that imaginary conversation game, your body goes right back there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And so we're going to metabolize it. We're going to let him go. Jeremy's a sweet kid. He had a lot of demons, man. And for whatever reason that no one will ever know, what happened, happened. But he no longer gets to live inside your head and your heart and your mind and your family's home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And so what we're going to do is we're going to write him a letter and you're going to read yours to your husband. Your husband's going to read his to you. You're going to say it out loud. As David Kessler, who was recently on my show, said, grief demands a witness. We're going to say it out loud to each other. And you have to be honest in the letter. Hey, you scared me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I'm scared to come to my own house now. Every loud noise, I jump. But I want you to feel comfortable giving Jeremy the responsibility in this particular situation. Write it out, okay? And then we destroy the letters and we move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay? Here's another thing I want you to metabolize, okay? That young man is no longer hurting right now. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
He's not in pain. It's over. And it's easy for us to flinch up like when one of our kids gets a bad cut or one of our kids bangs our head. Our bodies clench, right, real tight. And when you think about him, you think about it's easy to draw a connection to your own kids. It's easy to draw a connection to yourself and how much pain that must have been, how scary that must have been.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. You saw some things you should never have seen. I'm so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I'm going to abruptly stop my mind when it heads down these tracks and let my mind know I'm driving. I'm okay. You don't have to automate and protect me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
As you move a little further down the road, you're going to quickly be able to scale through. It's an old CBT technique, but it's like, is that true? Every loud noise, boom, my chest gets real tight. Is that a gunshot? No. I'm going to consciously exhale. You're not there yet, but we're going to work through those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And here's the biggest challenge that most people who've experienced what you've experienced go through is they go to war with their body. They want their body to stop trying to keep them safe. And that's nuts. I want my body to be, yeah, your body's working perfectly. Given your biology, your genetics, your, this wild situation, your body's cranking along.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
What we want to do is teach our body, I wasn't safe then, I am safe now. And most of the time, not always, that's what great physicians are for and great psychiatrists are for. Often, your body goes, okay, cool. We're back. Tell me about your friendship circle there in your home. In your hometown, you have friends, you have connection. How's your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
It's easier said than done, but you've got to find human beings that you can be in proximity to. Yeah. So you have to have somebody that you sit across the table from. You have to have a couple of people you have into your home for coffee. And for you, someone who moves a lot for whatever reason, that's probably a whole other phone call. That's a nightmare to get up and do it again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And then you make new friends again and make new friends again. That's your lot in life. I wish there was another way around it, right? It's like telling somebody, like, when you look at their budget, like, hey, you got to go make more money. Like, I don't know. You got to go get a job. Like, I hate to say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
But so your job right now is you got to go once again, new town, new home, new community, whatever. Having people back in. Having people back in. That I can be present with. That I can drop my shoulders with. That I don't have to perform with. And I know for almost everybody listening to this show right now, I read the data on loneliness. That sounds like a pipe dream. It sounds like a fantasy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
It's like not real. I get that. And it doesn't exclude the fact that we have to have it. So that means we have to fight through the fantasy, put down the video game controllers, put down our lives, I mean, the distractions in our lives, and head into life with other people. That's what we got to do. There's not another way around it. And McCall, if... You write this young man a letter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And here's the goal of the letter. I'm going to let you go. I'm so sorry you were hurting this bad. I'll never know what was going on in your heart and mind. And by the way, you scared my family to death. I'm going to let him go. I'm going to let him go. I'm going to let him go with my husband. I'm going to be open there. He's going to be open back. I'm going to have some friends over to the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I'm going to check in with my kids. I'm going to check in with myself. I'm going to begin to journal just to keep a gratitude journal. What's three or four things I'm grateful for every morning when I wake up? I'm going to begin to stop those conversations, those loops in my head. When that image of him on the ground pops into my head, I'm going to immediately, you can't stop that lightning bolt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Those pictures, those images pop in our heads. That happens. You can't immediately replace it with another picture. Nope. I got to focus on that one. Got to focus on this one. And over time, your body will go, oh, she's driving. I don't need to keep reminding her of this. Most of the time, our bodies are just trying to keep us safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And they're working as our particular bodies and experiences and biology program them to. It's all good. But my job is not to avoid. It's to teach. We're safe now. We weren't safe then. We're safe now. Thank you so much for the call. Call me back anytime. I can walk alongside you. I want you to grab a book called Finding Meaning by the great David Kessler.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
It's the best book on grief I've ever read, ever. Check it out, and maybe you and your husband can work through that together as well. Thank you for the call. We'll be right back. All right, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Everybody hear this. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey. It's an adventure. And it's a journey that is never a straight line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
It's got starts and stops and ups and downs and victories and setbacks. This is something that I've personally struggled with for years. And I recently made some significant commitments to myself and my family to get back on the path yet again. And one way I've learned to make the health and wellness journey easier is making consistently healthy choices about what I eat and what I drink.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And this is why I love Organifi. Their whole food blends contain only the highest quality ingredients and they make it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix Organifi with water or your favorite healthy beverage. The green juice is great in the morning and it's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the entire day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And their red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. And right now, Organifi is offering the Organifi Starter Kit with seven days of green juice travel packs, seven days of red juice travel packs, and magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles. And why not? You also get a branded Organifi shaker bottle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I was going to say there's, there's almost always in this case, this for whatever reason, I mean, I can guess some reasons I can speculate, but gambling addiction revelations have, um, there's often the spouse responds differently than, like, multiple affairs or even drug or alcohol addiction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
That's so great. Here's the thing. She's 22 and she knows everything. So if there's somebody, I'll even stay away from fault language here, but you're the one that, they made their decision. I mean, not to be rude, but you don't get a vote. They don't really care what you have to say. They didn't call and ask and say, is this okay? They just did what they were going to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And so what you've chosen since Thanksgiving is just to wake up and be angry and miserable every day. They made a choice. They made a call. They're going to live with those consequences. Does it stink that the parents aren't going to get... Is this her sister? Is that who that is? Or is it her daughter? Okay, yeah. Yeah, your daughter made a selfish call. Is what it is, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And 22-year-olds in college didn't plan well for finals. Ta-da! That's not a big shocker, right? That just is. And so would it have been awesome? Yep. I get a hint of she doesn't like this whole thing. She doesn't like that, oh, my 22-year-old daughter just dropped out of college. There seems to be a lot more layers here. And so what mom wants is, oh, she had a baby with fiance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
She dropped out of college. She's doing these things that I don't like. That's not the way I would have drawn it up. But you're going to do these things. And 22-year-old's like, no, I'm not going to do those either. So it sounds like a mother losing control of all of it. And so what I would say is let go. 22 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
What you don't want to do is cash in and this 22-year-old daughter of yours doesn't want you as a grandparent. I don't want to lose that, right? So I can be disappointed and then I'm going to go on about my day. I don't know. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Going to war with a 22-year-old first-time mom who just dropped out of college? It's ridiculous.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
She didn't get a vote either. She's 22.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Move along. And this is one of those, like, I'll implore all parents and adult kids. If somebody texts you something big like that, call them. Pick up the phone and call. Pick up the phone and call. If there's a text message, you're like, man, that sounds hard. Pick up the phone and call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
It's astonishing to me over my holiday break, the conversations I had when first with several people that were like, oh, we got the text and we understood everything. what, what did you understand? Why didn't you call me? Like, well, you know, no, no, no, no. What did you, you know what I mean? Like just make that extra phone call. My God. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So that tells me there was probably, maybe not, but probably other things going on in your marriage for a long time. There was. And as anyone who struggles with addiction for seven years of any kind, like, when you reveal that, right, then your wife almost, like, I think of, like, you ever seen Star Wars 1? Yes. You're from the Bay Area. You probably all watch that show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
If something comes across weird, especially with your kids, especially when it's with adult relationships, man, be adults. Right. And yes, 22 year olds are going to be 22. I'm personally not going to cash in that relationship over time, over, you ruined my baby's first Christmas. I didn't. I'm going to move on with my life. I don't know. Ben, did you ruin somebody's first Christmas this year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I don't think so. I mean, actually, the opposite, because my one-year-old nephew gave us all stomach flu. Oh. So he wrecked my Christmas. Yeah. Let's put him on blast. Nobody listens to the show anyway. What's his name? Where does he live? I'm just kidding. Don't say that. All right. Thank you guys so much for checking us out. And we will see you soon right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Love you guys. Stay in school. Learn your drugs. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
That was a very generalized statement I just made about all the tech guys, but they all watch Star Wars. Of course. But there's that scene at the very end when the TIE fighters go down to get the Death Star and everything just goes... And when somebody's with somebody in addiction, I always imagine that scene as all these lights just go by and their last seven years go in reverse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And they're like, oh my gosh. like everything becomes clear in that moment. You get what I'm saying? And there has to have been other stuff going on. Were you abusive?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Some of you are just brothers, sisters, just dudes. Some of you are Ben. The guy, I don't know. Ben, you just look like an awesome guy making it happen. Thanks. And can we shout out Sarah, the editor of the show? Had the first case of natural triplets I've ever heard of. She had them, and I say natural, like she just didn't have IVF.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I think it's way deeper than that. I mean, it's one of those moments that she knows something's not right for a long, long time. And when you put on the table, it's like, oh my gosh, this is not, he's not who I thought he was, right? And then, so she files for divorce, but I guess y'all didn't go through with it. I guess she held.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Bro, she's divorced you. You're the tail end of a proceeding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So it's, I mean, it sounds like for a year, and man, I hate to link these, okay? And I can be out of line here. Sure, go ahead, please. But one of the telltale signs of someone who is falling off a cliff into gambling addiction is an inability to recognize a loss in progress. And I feel like you're experiencing this in real time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I mean, do you have any indication on planet Earth at all that your wife is doing anything other than progressing at a somewhat rapid clip these days with how long divorces take for a settlement hearing? One calendar year? That's not super slow. No. No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So, man, it feels like you're spending a lot of energy trying to figure out how to solve this thing, and the thing has a period at the end of it as far as she's concerned, as far as her attorney, as far as your attorney. I mean, everybody's got a period at the end of it but you, and it sounds like you're not living in that reality yet. Am I off?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You're going to have three. Yeah. But I think what's important to call out is she had all three babies on my birthday, which I think shows incredible team dedication.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Have you taken her to coffee and said, do you want to still be my wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Okay. Anything other than that is you creating a fantasy and really trying to hang on to it tightly. Right. And short of that hard conversation, because here's the other deal. You might get the terrifying clarity that you've been trying to avoid for a year. Probably, yeah. You're right. But maybe she's like, yeah, I've been waiting for you to ask. I don't know another thing to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
Y'all are being civil. Y'all are acting like adults, which I'm super proud of you. You're working your butt off to change who you are. Like from the inside out, man, to heal. That's amazing. And there's still this humongous blind spot. There's that old, it's one of the most haunting movie lines I can ever remember. It's from the movie Magnolia, Paul Thomas Anderson movie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
After me, obviously. She didn't, I didn't even check. She didn't go with a John?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And it just repeats throughout the film. You may be through with the past, but the past is not through with you. Oh, I like that. You may be a radically different man on the road to transforming everything, and yet seven years plus the dating relationship you had with your wife, the consequence of that may go with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So I think the bigger challenge is that you not become one of these guys in recovery who are only doing it for some other outcome because you know those guys and it doesn't work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
But listen, Jim, those two things are external. And if you've listened to this show for five seconds, you know I'm pretty obsessive about people being good parents, about people being good marriage partners. But you have to go through this process because you deserve peace. Right. Not so that you can be a better dad and be a better this. Those are external metrics.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
I mean, yeah, that's kind of a flex, but she clearly doesn't value her job. She didn't name one of them. She had three of them. Did she name the daughter Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You've got to do this for your spirit, for your soul, for your chest, for your... Otherwise, you're just getting on another treadmill and another treadmill and another treadmill.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
But you're less anxious because you had your catharsis. Right. You lanced the boil, right? You opened the infection up so it could drain. And that always feels better. But my fear is you had done all this work and you're like, look, look, look, look, look, look, look, assuming or expecting that she's going to go your right. True. Yeah, I would agree.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
And so I think you've got to make space in your sobriety for staying sober when she says, I'm buying you out of this house. My dad's writing you a check. You're not welcome here anymore. When she says, I've met somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
You've got to have a space for sobriety there because there's nothing in your story that tells me anything other than y'all are heading for a mediation on the 21st, a settlement, and your attorney's going to recommend you write her a check and everybody move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?
So, I mean, if I'm you, there's that, it's one of my favorite quotes ever. It is, conflict deferred is conflict amplified. Hard conversations put off simply create way more, way bigger explosions. And so, man, I can't recommend enough that you say, hey, can we go grab coffee?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
14 years until she passed away yeah most guys don't do that most guys put them in a home a facility where people can take care of them because i have to have my happiness or my life i've got to do my you know what i mean dude i don't know if i've ever shared this i remember when i was in college they had moved to los angeles and i was there with them and my mom couldn't walk or talk and
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Now, at this point in my life, I knew what it was like to have a girlfriend and companionship. I remember my dad and I going out to dinner, and I said, If you ever want to date someone else while mom's still alive, I hope you're not doing that. I hope you're not not doing that because of me. Like I wanted him to just. Like I'm giving you my blessing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
I wanted him to have grace from me that like you are doing so much right by her, but that doesn't mean that you should have to be alone. Yeah. And he was like, hey, thank you. But that's not what I want. I made a commitment to this woman, and until the day she dies, I will uphold that commitment. I mean, when she passed, it wasn't almost what we were talking about before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
It wasn't a surprise, right? We had been mourning her loss for years. It can be an exhale, right? Yeah. And within a few months, he was on dates. Yeah. And I loved that for him. But he's just always lived with this level of integrity, like, ask yourself what right looks like, do that, and has never once felt bad for himself along the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And so my dad and I, to this day, are extraordinarily close. Anytime I speak in the state of Florida, he gets in his car, drives there. That's so cool. We hang out, we'll share a hotel room. He came to Nashville. Or no, was it Orlando? It was in Orlando. He was there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
He's in all of them. By the way, this is like a great dad-ism because he's also like a very excellence-focused driving person. Uh-huh. And we left and I was like, dad, that was really hard. Like following Jade and then John, like I was nervous. And he said, work harder and then you won't be. By the way, he's right. He's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
No, no, no. He said you did a great job. He lifted me up and loved on me and celebrated me. But he's like, if you didn't like the way that you felt, work harder and then you won't feel like that. And by the way, he's right. Now I don't get nervous. Where does that come from? Because it doesn't exist anymore. Yeah, it's an old school. It feels weird to call integrity old school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Well, yeah, and I think there's so much focus, appropriately so, I think this is a good thing around self-care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And yet, I think it's been misinterpreted by way too many as permission to be selfish. And I think that that is the thing that broke the chain. Mm-hmm. Whereas my dad understands that, yeah, you take care of yourself, but not to the point where you're putting yourself so far ahead of everyone else and your interests so far ahead of everyone else's that you're just doing things that lack integrity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
I think people excuse immoral behavior as a form of self-care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah. I don't actually feel like I'm caring for myself and like – and by the way, and like, okay, toxic relationships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
There's like so many different things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Just the two of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Her parents died when she was 12. Then she moved to New York to move in with her aunt. And then when I was like four, she was diagnosed with brain cancer. They removed the tumor, but it was malignant. They needed to use radiation treatment to kill the rest of it. This was before radiation treatment was super refined.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And she, over the course of a few years, was rendered into becoming a quadriplegic. I was her only child. I'm an only child. And, man, I mean, she loved me, like, recklessly. recklessly to the point where it almost like destroyed her and my dad's marriage when she was still healthy. Cause she, she didn't have parents. She never had anything. They didn't have a lot of money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And yet she was buying me like clothes from Pierre Cardin at Bloomingdale's when they could not afford that stuff because like I was just everything that she'd always wanted. And it was really hard for them to have a kid. Um, She was meant to live not very long. She was supposed to be dead by the time I turned 10. But she just kept living and living and living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I remember when I graduated high school, and at this point, she couldn't move or talk. She could say some words, and I was always the person that could understand her more than anyone, that beautiful mother-son bond. When I graduated high school, everyone got really nervous. Like, was that the thing that she was waiting for? But then she kept living and kept living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And then I graduated college. And I remember she couldn't get up to watch me graduate. She fell into a coma right before graduation. And so I graduated, threw my cap up in the air, jumped in the car, sped to Boston where they lived at that point. And went to the hospital and just fell asleep on her lap. And then woke up in the middle of the night and she was awake.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
out of the coma and this is not like a lucid dream or anything like I know for sure. And we had a proper conversation and she was like, did you graduate? Yeah. And she died. She fell back asleep and died a few hours later. But I really believe in a couple things, and they represent the two sides of my personality. One, that persistence and determination are everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Like Jay-Z said, I believe we can speak things into existence. I don't believe there's a goal that you can't attain if you set your mind to it. On the other side, I believe that If you just love someone, if you are willing to take the risk of just loving someone recklessly, the impact you can have is profound.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And like loving people recklessly and maniacally pursuing goals aren't necessarily friends. But I think that I am who I am not in spite of that tension, but because of it. And I owe a lot of that to her. She loved me recklessly. And the thing about her nurses pushing her to the end of the street, I would come home. She couldn't talk or move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But the smile that I was greeted with made me feel loved. the kind of way that I hope to make a lot of other people feel over the course of my life. And the fact that she was supposed to die 11 years before she did and she hung on just because she wanted to see her only son get launched into the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Dude, I felt so loved by her. For a while there, she could still move her arms a little bit. She couldn't get to me, though. She had a cane. I remember if I cursed or something before I was supposed to or allowed to, she'd call me over and hit me with the cane. And she'd be like, come here. And I knew I was walking. I didn't need to go over there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
No, but man, like now I'm a dad and it's not a shaming statement at all because sometimes I'll catch myself. Oh, yeah. Anyone who pretends to be perfect is not trustworthy, right? Like we all make all – like everything I talk about is –
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
what I aspire to be and I know the same would be true for you and I'll catch myself doing that and I think about her and it's almost like blasphemous to her if I don't jump around and run around and get dirty and do stupid things with my kids because she never was able to and so if I am able to and I don't how dare you not yeah I've heard that from veterans who lose somebody close to them that
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
First of all, you posted something the other day about that. Like, be your person's biggest cheerleader.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I loved that. I thought the way you articulated it was great. And by the way, like, I remember growing up and like some of the marriages that I really had the most admiration for, they would always say marriage is hard. And I would always like, be like those idiots. They just didn't figure it out. Like I'm going to have an easy marriage. Right. And just be hot and have more sex. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Like my relationships are easy. And my relationships are like seven months and that's why they're easy. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
but like the thing I always learn from them is like wake up every single day and pursue your person like the best marriages are those where you literally make a choice every single morning you wake up and decide actively maybe not out loud but you know you assert I'm gonna pursue my wife today and if you do that a majority of the day is it's pretty cool what you can accomplish how you framed it like be their cheerleader that's another level and I really loved it and it's
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
That impacted me. Even over the last few days, like, as we've been out, I've been... My wife doesn't like... She gets shy when I tell people how awesome she is. I'm like, you know what? I don't care anymore. I'm still going to do it because I think it's an important thing to do. And yeah, my dad had to help my mom go to the bathroom. I had to help my mom go to the bathroom. Like...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And so, yeah, you could see that and be like, okay, if there's a chance that happens, I'm just going to be single, right? Like, there's no reason. My dad decided to continue in a marriage where he had to help his wife go to the bathroom. That's not just integrity. No. That's just love. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And if love is so powerful that you're willing to endure that, then how could you make any choice but to want that? I want that with all I've got. Right? And so I got married late, which I was building a career in New York City. You get married later when you're doing that there. But also because I knew always that I wanted that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I had a pretty high bar for the person that I was going to go all in on it with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
This doesn't just happen. You know, you don't just get the... That's right. Jump through the hoops for this. And I'll tell you, like, I dated a bunch of different types of people trying to figure out who is my person. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Well, so I'm an emotional person. I'm also an analytical person. And so I was almost doing A-B tests on girlfriends for a while. I dated a girl who didn't have much going on in her life because then I got to be the center of her life. But I found it to be really hard for me because I would get home exhausted after work and there was nothing bringing her joy outside of me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And then I was like, all right, I'm going to date a really busy girl who's like... But then I felt like cast away, you know, and like I was really far down on her list of priorities. And then eventually I was like, okay, dude, stop it. Like stop trying to like categorize people into you're this kind of person or you're this kind of person and I belong with this kind of person. And I met her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And she's a baller, right? She's the founder of Milk Bar, a nationwide chain of bakeries that's in stores, and she's been on television. And I was impressed by that, but it wasn't the reason I was drawn to her. And at the same time, she had all this stuff going on, but I never felt less than the other things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And so I was doing this whole study like, okay, well now this, and then one day I was like, wait, hold on. I feel awesome when she's in the room. There you go. And then when I had that, I was still really in my head. And it was the first time in pursuit of my person that I allowed myself to just live in my heart and not be totally consumed by like... The exams. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah, you get so... And by the way, it wasn't what I felt in my heart that got me there. It was the fact that I allowed myself to leave my brain and go to my heart for the first time that got me there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah. And I'm not... I'm just giving in to it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huh. And then giving in to it. The problem with that, because you can't make a choice based on what you feel in your heart because sometimes your heart is overflowing with love. Right, right, right. Love is not... I don't think, like, forever sometimes. No, it's a choice. It's a decision. It's a set of behaviors. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Sometimes when you hear people saying, I'm so in love, and then two months later, like, how's it going? They're like, oh, it didn't work out. I'm like, okay, were you really, like, in love? I think our heart sends messages that we misinterpret. Still, it's marriage, and you have kids, and it's hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And what I love about her is, like, I feel from her towards me the way that I felt from my dad towards my mom. Like, there's no giving up. We're together. Yeah. That question has been answered, so let's figure this out. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And that is something that I think is really, really special and something I'm really, really grateful to have because it's hard for you to feel that if you don't feel that in the other person. Yeah. You can't know everything about your person no matter how long you've been together, but I know that about her. And that's pretty cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah. So charitable assumption is one of my favorite expressions from my longtime boss and forever mentor, Danny Meyer. It's one of his isms to me and give people the benefit of the doubt or ask the question before you say the thing. One of the things I believe like strongly is addressing things as they come up in work and in life. I think the worst thing
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
leaders oftentimes are good people who are just inconsistent in how they deal with problems and so problems mount and become emotional even when they're unemotional things um so you need to address stuff consistently quickly but in order for criticism which is ultimately what it is to be constructive it needs to be thoughtful and one of the rules of criticism that i really feel strongly about is that the charitable assumption which is for
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
ask the question before you say the thing. This is in service and leadership. If a guest comes into a restaurant and they're acting like a jerk, it's totally natural and completely human to decide they no longer deserve our most loving hospitality. They don't deserve it. They're acting like a jerk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
The charitable assumption would have you say, wait, maybe they're acting like a jerk because on their way to the restaurant tonight, they found out that their wife was just diagnosed with brain cancer. And maybe the person that we are inclined to think doesn't deserve our most loving hospitality actually needs it more than anyone else in the room. Anybody, that's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And so that, the charitable assumption, yeah, it's in how you serve people. It's in how you lead people. Someone comes in late and you can say, why are you late? As opposed to, hey, are you okay? Yes. And then maybe say, yeah, I'm okay. I just wanted to... Get a massage on the way to work. And then, okay, now that's a different conversation. We can't work here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I think it applies to, gosh, our kids, our friends, our partners.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
We focus so much on the major seasons in life that we can like blink our eyes and miss the micro seasons that separate them. And I think it's in the space between. Yep. It's some of the best stuff. All of the stuff. That's right. And so we're living in a little Airbnb. We're on top of one another. We have five suitcases worth of stuff. I'm on the road half the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah, you're going into the eighth round of the fight, and she's just walking into the ring. And she's like, wait, what? She's under the arena, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Well, so many people want to be cool. They want to be liked. And so you just avoid the conversation because you think it's going to be awkward or tense. The example I always use in management, someone comes in, their shirt is wrinkled. And you're like, yeah, but they just started here. I don't want them to think I'm like an annoying manager and you don't say anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And then finally, like three weeks in, their shirt's wrinkled. You're like, they don't care about me. They don't care about the excellence of this establishment. They're doing this as a like a little passive aggressive way to stick it to the man. And then you blow off the handle when maybe no one ever told them it was important to iron their shirt. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And like with the towel on the ground in the bathroom, there's like a hierarchy of assumptions. They're a slob. Yeah. They're angry at me. This is like their way of communicating it to me. Charitable assumption is, gosh, I wonder if they were getting out of the shower and our kid fell and they had to run across the house naked just to help our child. Maybe I could just hang up the towel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But if it's every single day, maybe they just don't know that it's something that bothers you. And you could just say, hey, babe, I know this is weird and I don't want to be annoying, but could you just hang up the towel? Right. And oftentimes, like, we've had that in my marriage where she'll say something and I'll be like, oh my gosh, yeah, that's so easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I'm doing this little thing that's upsetting you and I could easily change it, of course. Yes. And it's a gift to me because now I can serve her in like this new way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
I've never felt so connected to my kids and to my wife. And it's It's like life giving. Yeah. I feel like, you know, when you're writing or just creating. If stuff in your house isn't filling you up, you eventually, like the well runs dry. Oh, yeah. I've fallen off that cliff a few times. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
I was spending time with, um, with, uh, Tim Norton, Tim Hortons, you know, Tim Hortons. It's like this Canadian coffee and donut. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I did like a whole talk about unreasonable hospitality. And one of the questions from one of the people that worked there is like, okay, yeah, but you have three hours with people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Like our exchanges are super, super quick. Like how can you be unreasonably hospitable? And I answered in two ways. The first way though is this, um, I took a flight. Me and my family went from New York to Seattle and back. My daughter was three. She had just turned three at the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
On our way there, you know, the gate agent that checks your ticket, you're with that person for a split second, right? And the woman on the way there, it was just something had gone wrong in her day. Charitable assumption. And we're halfway down the gate bridge, and my daughter says to me, Daddy, why is she so mad? And we get on the plane. Mm-hmm. Going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
On the way back, this woman, something had gone right in her day. Or she was just one of the most lovely people. Because we do the quick check-in. Halfway down the gate bridge, my daughter says to my wife, Mommy, is that your friend? Wow. And so this is a three-year-old with a stranger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
So, okay, if you're thinking about just hospitality and business, yeah, you can make a real impact without even doing anything. It's just about the energy you put out into the world. But now you take that and you bring it to marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
If my three-year-old daughter could feel that from a stranger, what do you think my grown-up wife, you don't think she's going to feel it from the person that she knows better than anyone in the world? And yet, we believe... That we can be thinking something and they don't know it. Oh, yeah. Which is an insane display of self-deception.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But by the way, I do it sometimes. Oh, I do it all the time. Something will happen and I'm just not ready to talk about it. Which, by the way, I do think there's merit there. I do think sometimes... You need to find... I'm not going to be a good version of myself in this. Yeah. And I want to get it right. Yeah. But I do think that's what you should say. That's right. Hey, what's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
By the way, how I just said it is how every human being in the world says nothing, I'm good. When there's something. When there's something and they're not good. Right, right. As opposed to saying, hey, we're good. Mm-hmm. There's a little something, but can you just give me a little bit of time because I want to make sure I find the right words to get it out. That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Because now you know. It's a curious thing around. Now you know like. It's out. Okay, I'm going to, now we're going down the ski slope. Yeah. I always talk about that like even with taking risks in business. Like sometimes you're at the top of like a double diamond.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
That's my dad. My dad has a disdain for the words, I can't. This is what's so funny. Like, you think about all the things, or I don't know, I should just make it about me. I don't want to assume. There's a bunch of stuff that my dad made me do or stuff that he pushed onto me that I found so annoying when I was a child. And I am so profoundly grateful to him for now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And it makes me realize that if I'm not doing some things that are annoying to my children, I am not actually being a good dad. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And like for the last six months, I like would sit down to write or just go into like a brainstorming session with my team. And I wasn't like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah. That they're like... But dude, my dad made me journal my entire... What? Yeah. The moment I started working, he made me journal every day after I got home from work. Dude, they need to donate his heart and mind to science. Well, because he said perspective has an expiration date. And he wanted me to be an empathetic leader one day. And you're a busboy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
When you become a server, your greatest superpower... Is that you can see the world through the eyes of a busboy. So you're a more empathetic server. But after five, six months, you can't do it anymore. That perspective's gone. So he wanted me to always document my perspectives such that one day I could reread those journal entries and tap back into it. I hated writing those journals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
I'm so grateful that I did. Now I do it joyfully on my own accord. I can't. You know, you start saying that when you get to a certain age. And my dad just never wanted that to be my thing. He gave me a paperweight when I was a kid. I have it on my desk today. It says, what would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
He has challenged me over and over again to just answer that question honestly. And whatever that answer is, just to try to do that. Yeah. And he always says that far too many people, they're like scared to say their biggest goals out loud for fear that if they do and don't achieve them, they'll let themselves and probably as importantly the people around them down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But he'd always say like, hey, if you don't say this stuff... you're never going to achieve it. And so that idea of believing in yourself, confidence, it was always just something that was really important to him. So when I started saying, I can't, I forget how old I was, he printed up these little fortune cookie-sized pieces of paper saying, success comes in cans, failure comes in cans. Nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Which was so intense for a kid like me. And hid them everywhere. It's like I'd like put on a pair of underwear and I'd be like, what is this? And it'd be like that piece of paper. Oh, you hid them in your stuff? All over my stuff, everywhere in the house. Who is this guy? And I say the story now that I'm like saying it out loud to you in this room, like, man, that was a little too intense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
It felt hard. And it's never felt hard before. And now it feels easy again. Yeah. And that's the coolest thing in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But I actually don't think it was. Like, I'm so grateful for it. And so, yeah, I try really hard to kind of instill that in the people around me, too. Like, we are capable of so much more than we think we are. You bring it back to, like, what you said about marriages and people feeling like their tank is empty on their marriage, that the marriage has run its course, run out of gas, like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
No, it is that because you've decided you can't make it work. Or you won't, yeah. You won't, but what we're telling ourselves is I can't. You won't because you've convinced yourself you can't. And I think we can do much more than we think we can do, and it just starts by dropping that word. Bringing it back to your dad, I hadn't thought about this, but
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
You can. But also was there to like still hold me and love me when I messed up. Of course. When I did something stupid. And like I think what my dad did. But accountability can be a gift inside of a relationship, right? Yeah, accountability doesn't mean you hold someone accountable by turning your back on them when they don't live up to the plan. No, you embrace them tighter. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
No, but I think what he did... What I think you're doing... This is not pandering. I really do believe strongly what I'm about to say. So I'm about to praise you. So just prepare yourself. I accepted it, but I'm very uncomfortable already. I think... I think we're in a place where being intentional and thoughtful around vulnerability and pursuit and emotionally connecting and investing in people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
There's a lot of people out there that say it's not manly. My dad was as much of a man as you could be. Military, won six bronze stars, varsity lacrosse. But still leaned in and pursued business. Proper relationship in all of the ways that we're kind of talking about today. Yeah. And I think that's a really important thing, especially right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I think you're carrying the flag in a beautiful way to show you can be like a man's man. And that doesn't mean you can't be emotionally in touch with yourself and endeavor to be emotionally in touch with the people around you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
It just is. Then you ultimately wake up one day and you realize that actually that's the only way to truly be like the most manly man you want to be. That's it. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah, I'm super optimistic. I think a lot of people are complaining a lot about Gen Z because almost the love language is... They are leading that generation in the way that they once wanted to be led. As opposed to understanding what their love language is, what their leadership language is, and contouring their leadership. Like, a leader.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And it's kind of wild to me. Like a great leader is, what does the word mean? You are a leader of people. That means you need to get to know people and figure out how to motivate them in a way that is unique to them. That is hospitality and leadership.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And in the same way that you can't love everyone in the same way and expect every one of those people to feel loved, it's not dissimilar when it comes to leadership. Now it's especially exaggerated when it becomes a generational thing. Mm-hmm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I think a lot of the people that are frustrated should be just as frustrated with themselves because they're not actually compelling themselves to learn new tricks. Yes. That's what I believe. And when I think about what leadership – The reality is like once upon a time being a great leader meant you were the person with the confidence and conviction to say this is where we're going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
People crave convicted leadership. And then Simon Sinek came around. That wasn't enough anymore. People wanted to be told where they were going and they wanted to be inspired why they should want to go there. And I just don't think that's enough anymore, especially for these younger generations. They want to be told where they're going, inspired why they should want to go there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But they also want a seat at the table and helping to figure out how to get there. And we can call that entitled. Or we can embrace it, recognizing that, okay, we can probably learn a lot from them if we give them a seat. And we're going to get a lot more out of them. And they're going to feel that much more of a sense of loyalty and dedication to the spirit of our collective endeavor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And at the end of the day, leadership is service. In the same way that I'm not going to serve a filet mignon to a vegetarian, I need to lead this generation in service. And the way that they want to be led. And the way they can hear it. Yeah. And by the way, this is not like, it's not meant to be a monologue in the other direction. You don't just like bend over backwards. Sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But hospitality is a dialogue and it's about making it a meaningful conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Um, but I don't, I still don't know how to do. Well, but so, okay. So here we were talking about like performative on either side of it. I think the same, I look at friendship as being the same in a way. So I have similar to your guys. I have like five, six really, really good friends. Oh, day one zeros. Yeah. Yeah. From kindergarten through college. That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
I'm so happy to be here, man. Seriously. And I can't wait to hang out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
It's going to be awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And because I'm the guy that throws the party, um, They're all best friends with each other now. Like my best friend, this guy Andy, I went to kindergarten with, and my crew from college. They're all very, very close. They all live in New York. And there was a season... Where I saw other people becoming successful as I was becoming successful and watching them trade up friendships. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
You know, where they weren't friends with their people anymore. And then they were like friends with the next most. And then again, they didn't have any friends that they'd known for more than three or four years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
So that is definitely dangerous and whatever, performative. Sure. But I found myself... Almost reacting to that and saying, I don't need any new friends. I have my friends. I don't need anyone else in my life. And that was almost performative in the other direction. Performative is not the right word. No, it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Shared history.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But as you grow... If the friendships around you don't evolve a little bit, not that you shed all of your friends. Invariably, you do end up shedding some friends. But if you're not picking up new ones along the way, I just don't think you're limiting your ability to grow as much as I think we ought to be. I think you're a thousand percent right there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But to your point, how do I figure out friendship in this season? I'm a little more guarded. Yeah. But I think like, you know, one thing I think we've all stopped doing is trusting our guts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And I was like, Dad, that was really hard. I was nervous. And he said, work harder and then you won't be. By the way, he's right. He said, you did a great job. He like lifted me up and loved on me and celebrated me. But he's like, if you didn't like the way that you felt, work harder and then you won't feel like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
You know what I mean? Well, there's a book about everything, and so everyone tries to raise their children based on a book they've read or be a good husband based on a book they've read. And by the way, I'm not anti-reading.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But yes, exactly. But I think sometimes you just need to listen to your gut, knowing that it's going to be wrong a good chunk of the time, but you can't let that question the extent to which you trust the feeling you have inside of you. And so, yeah, more guarded with friendships. But if I feel a connection to someone...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Yes, yes. One of the things I do, obviously I talk about hospitality all the time. I like to redefine that word often. Okay. Because I think the better you are at articulating an idea, the better you become at compelling those around you to embrace it. Yes. One of my favorite definitions of hospitality is to be creative and intentional in pursuit of relationships. Mm-hmm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And that's your customers. It's a business book, ultimately, the one that I wrote. It's the people that you work with. It's a leadership book. But I think it extends, and that's not what the book is about, but to your life. Like, you need to pursue the people in that picture.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But that doesn't mean you're not pursuing new relationships to see whether there are people out there that you're meant to know as you grow into the next version of yourself. And sometimes I've been like, oh, man, I have this feeling like this guy I just met, like, we're meant to be friends. And I pursue them. I'm like, oh. I'm a coke guy. He's a weed guy. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Right, right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
So thank you for bringing that to my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
And you know the added benefit? is you're going to learn a few things along the way. Well, I was scared of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
By the way, the reason not to do it is you crushed that day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
You're like, oh, I'm going to go home, right? So that was also like one of the first really big ones I did. I've done a ton of these talks since that one, but that was one of the first really big ones I did. And I go down there and I'm trying to like, you know, pursue this craft because it's a craft like anything. You're hosting a podcast. This is a craft. You're a student of it now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Anyone who does anything, if they're not a student of that thing the entire time they're doing it, they're never going to be as good as they ultimately could one day be. And the moment you start speaking, that's now something you need to start studying and pursuing too. And so I was nervous going into that first day. And so I went to watch everyone to understand, okay, what are we working with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Two, to learn a few things. Three, because I felt very close to everyone from the night before. And to my point before, these are now relationships I want to pursue. Sure. Tell me about your dad. So my dad, my dad's my best friend. Okay. Still alive? Still alive. Okay. Still alive. I mean, they've tried to take him down a few times. He had pancreatic cancer. He survived. He's the one, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
But my dad and I are real close. My mom was a quadriplegic when I was growing up. My dad, in addition to taking care of her, working 12, 14-hour days in the restaurant business, was still an amazing dad to me. I mean, I've learned so much from him, but probably top on the list is integrity. One of my favorites of his quotes is, life is filled with crossroads at each one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Talk to the Man Who Changed How I Connect With Others (With Will Guidara)
Ask yourself what right looks like and do that. Knowing that oftentimes doing what right looks like is not in your own short-term best interests, but you do it anyway. I mean, my dad lived with a quadriplegic wife for...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Gosh, some of those calls, Michelle, there's not a happy ending to this one. I'm just heartbroken. Maybe he comes home today and he's like, dude, I'm out of my mind. I've been crazy. I quit the team. We're not playing baseball. I'm out. I'm not going to answer the five texts I get from parents because I don't care. And I'm saving my marriage. Ends of the earth. Here we go. Maybe. Maybe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
But I could grieve. I'm sorry, my sister. I'm sorry. Thank you for the call. Call anytime. If you get up to some big decision points, holler at me. I'd be happy to sit with you. We'll be right back. All right, you've heard the rumors, and they are true. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Listen, I'm talking about screens in our homes, screens in our offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. All of these things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And here's why I think you're going to love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. And it can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every single day. And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products, like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go check them out. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say it a thousand times, and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Oh, God help us. We're doomed as a culture. We're doomed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And I know many of you don't believe this to be true, but it is. And being well is hard work, but you're worth the work. And therapy can help. I see a therapist and many of you should see one too. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming and exposing. Maybe it's time. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about whether it will even work or not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Or maybe it's cost. Or maybe you're just not sure where to start. I know because I've been there. We spend money on gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. Some of you use special shampoos and creams and tracker watches. But when it comes to our mental and emotional health, we hesitate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Listen, your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, therapy is now more accessible than ever, and BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get started. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Let's go out to Memphis, Tennessee, right down the road from where I am and talk to Lawrence. What up, Lawrence?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Thanks for calling in, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Well, I appreciate you having the courage to reach out, man. Yeah, yeah. It's just you and me and a couple million people. It's all good. Oh, yeah. Nobody listens, right? Trust me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Was he with another man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Cannonball. Cannonball is the best way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Okay. So she's a Little League coach?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yes. Your husband is absolute embarrassment to husbands everywhere. If this was a Hallmark movie, the only way to make this right is for you to call the other husband and be like, hey, what's up? What's up? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
You're in Corpus Christi. They would never find his body if you took it far enough out in the bay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I know you have. Don't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
This is ridiculous at a level that it's even ridiculous for my show. And you can just look at the thumbnails on YouTube and this show gets ridiculous.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
But so you got, you have to exhale that this is over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I know, but you got to hear her say she doesn't care. Yeah. I know it's hard to hear. It is. So how can I help you, man? I hate that you're going through all this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
This is insanity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Well, you do, but...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yeah. Stop digging.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Stop digging. Okay. Here's why I wrote this down. When you first started talking, you came into this marriage thinking you were less than her sexually, financially,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
probably attractive like you came in thinking oh my gosh look at the fish I got on this line yeah and so everything all of your actions are from a position of I love how you just ended it I'm in a hole yeah and until you stop working walking around giving your credit card to a to a porn company is in the whole behavior yeah That is less than.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
That is, I am desperately trying to feel alive in my own skin. So much so that I'll take one of the most untrustworthy groups of people on the planet and give them my account number. Yeah. You said something that I want to make sure I double click on. that you kind of held some stuff back from her because you were worried about her judging you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
But I got a sense that you kind of feel righteous about that. Like, yeah, see? When you found out, now you're judging me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Well, but hold on, hold on. It's very, very rare. I'm not sitting in day in and day out in marriage therapy offices, okay? So in law offices. But in my world, it is very, very rare. For somebody to find an old incidence of paying for pornography, search history, found an old expense. What was this? Because that story is not super ring and true with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Either that or she wanted out of this thing so bad and she found a path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yeah, but you were only together seven months. There's not even time to have a thousand cuts unless you're screaming at her and hitting her and swearing and just being an all-around scumbag, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
That's all fine and good. There's something else here, brother. And I don't know. Was it pornography or was it webcam girl? Was it interactive?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
You say you don't have an addiction problem, but you continue to use addiction language.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I don't think you are, just from what you're talking about, but I don't work with you day in and day out, so I don't know. I really don't know how I can help other than The faster you exhale into, I mean, it's one thing if she says, I want a divorce, takes her ring off, and then doesn't do anything for a month or two. Yeah. In my world, that's the, so you're telling me there's a chance. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
This is filing, here's the paperwork, the lawyers have a date, and we're moving down the road. That's when... Here's the deal, man. You can't go to all this therapy and do all this stuff to try to win her back. You got to go to therapy and stuff because there's something not right. And it might be that she's not right. And I might say she can do whatever she wants.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
She can divorce you for whatever reason and she feels this is infidelity. It's infidelity. I'm out. Okay. But... Either this is just... I don't know. I'd have to talk to both of you longer, I think, to get a better beat on this thing. But what I can tell you is the faster you exhale and grieve this thing, it's heartbreaking. You did some stuff. You weren't honest about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
It doesn't matter what anybody else's opinion on it is. She says that's a violation. That's infidelity. I'm out. I can't trust you sexually. I can't trust you financially. You hide things. You go change labels. We went to marriage counseling in June and it's August when I found this out. And so we've been through two or three months of counseling and you didn't tell me, I'm out, I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
People can judge her all day long, but she's got every right to walk. It's you that's gotta exhale and go, okay, this is happening. What's gonna be different next time? And by the way, she's not a unicorn, dude. When you put that kind of pressure on somebody that somehow you've found this mystical being that people tell you doesn't exist,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
you find somebody and you choose to love them and you keep showing up and you keep showing up and you keep showing up. Um, so yeah, the best thing to tell you, man, is keep seeing a counselor, but also put yourself in a position where you can begin to act differently in a way that you learn to trust you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Cause right now you're entering into all these relationships, the counselor, the marriage, the everything as from a, from in a hole. Stop digging and just stand up. The hole's not as deep as you think it is. Stand up. And this one may have cost you everything. And if they got on the chin, that's another big loss for you. Fresh your dad and your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
That's tough, tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. There is healing on the other side, man, but you got to own the reality of where you find yourself. Thanks for the call, man. Best of luck to you. Holler back if I can help in any way, man. If you've got some directed questions I can help with, I'd be happy to walk with you. We'll be right back. All right, good folks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Hold on, hold on. It's not an issue. You lost your marriage. Your husband is absolute embarrassment to husbands everywhere. An absolute embarrassment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
There's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients in what we eat and what we drink. The food dyes and the colors and the extra nasty chemicals, the pesticides. Listen, I'm not a food scientist, but I know none of this stuff sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients for me and for my kids. I don't have to worry about anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Organifi products are certified organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, pesticide-free, and herbicide-free. And they make it super easy to get your daily dose of superfoods with their green juice and red juice. Organifi green juice is a detoxifying mix of 11 superfoods like ashwagandha that help boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel better. Good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And their red juice is filled with antioxidants and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without the caffeine jitters. And finally, don't forget their greatest hits album, the Organifi Starter Kit, with red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And right now you'll save 20% on the kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney today and use code Deloney for 20% off everything else on their site. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Reno, Nevada and talk to Jason. Redeem the show, Jason. What's up? Good morning, sir. How are you today? I'm all right, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
What's going on in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Desert. Dweller. Desert rat, for sure. For sure. Okay, say it one more time. It's Nevada? It's Nevada. Nevada. It's Nevada. We from Nevada, man. We from Nevada.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
He blew up his marriage and he is going to rub it in publicly. That's astonishing to me. The fact that he has all of his teeth from the other husband. Yeah. If this was a Hallmark movie, the only way to make this right is for you to call the other husband and be like, hey, what's up? I can't even wrap my head around this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Vegas is California, so whatever. We here in Texas and Tennessee, we call it Nevada because we're a little bit perfect with our speech. I'm just letting you know if they're from Nevada, they're going to roll their eyes at you. Trust me, bro. I've said Louisville. I almost got shot for that one. What was the one in Pittsburgh that I said, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yeah, I said Lancaster. Pennsylvania. It's Lancaster. You would have thought... Anyway. Okay, so... I didn't know that one. Anyway. Nevada. Jason from Nevada.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Nesting is a terrible idea.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
No. Yeah, no. If she wants to leave you, she can leave you. She's an adult and you can't stop her. Okay. But coming up with these bull crap, hippie, dippy, over-intellectualized ways to avoid reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
People listening, nesting is we're going to keep the kids at the house because supposedly it's better for the kids, for mom and dad to get divorced, but the kids to stay in the house and mom lives there a couple days a week and dad lives there a few days a week instead of them going back and forth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
The part that the intellectual goofballs leave out is if we had that ability to coordinate, we'd be able to fix our marriage. If we had that kind of resources, we could – you know what I'm saying? Like it's just – it's lunacy. And the fact that kids are air filters for a home. They absorb everything. And so when you have, it's just madness. It's madness, dude. Anyway, I could go on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I don't want to derail the conversation. It sounds like, yeah, I trust you, man. You sound like a pretty amazing guy. It sounds like your wife is spinning out and is just trying to whack a mole with feelings and hurt and all that stuff. And you're bearing the brunt of it. But at the end of the day, she's choosing to dissolve your marriage and leave.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Then if she's making that choice, that choice comes with a whole bunch of consequences. And choosing to work on your marriage and to recommit and build something new, that's a choice too. Both of those are hard. She just has to choose her heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
No, he got caught.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
a villain villainate vilifies one person or the other but one person is the villain here well no she said something like that i'm kind of like i told her i want to be married and she doesn't want like a nine-year-old that's okay for a nine-year-old i mean to hear that it's like hey mommy is struggling like with a 13 year old yeah you got to be honest because here's the deal you can't risk them thinking as their world is exploding oh my dad's a liar too
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Right, right. That is hyper untethering. Okay. There is something about you guys sitting there saying, to the ends of the earth, we love you. Yeah. We will always be there for you. We will always figure out a way to come through for you. All that kind of stuff that parents need to say together to a 13-year-old whose whole world is exploding. But also, I think it's fair to say...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yeah, he gets no gold stars here. None. Zero gold stars. He's an embarrassment to men.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Mom is going through a lot right now, and she is choosing to not be married anymore. Okay. We both still love you. She loves you forever. And yes, a 13-year-old is going to go, hmm, I wonder if one day she chooses to not want to be my mom. That is a fair question. Right. And that needs to be addressed on the table, and you can't avoid this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
With a 9-year-old, it does need to be a little more delicate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And she didn't have that. And she didn't look for it from me either. And my guess is it's well-dubbed inside of her soul. That plus everything else plus...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
probably some resentment that you had all the support and she didn't and yada yada at the end of the day she doesn't she doesn't feel safe in her own skin she doesn't like the life she's co-created right and i can't do nothing about that that's right make money and try and be around right well i mean the only thing you could do is what you've done which is say hey we have we have co-created this life i want to co-create a new one with you and she said no yep and so then my
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
An absolute embarrassment to married men, to unmarried men. They're all men. The cowardice to take his, the cowardice and shame it takes not to cheat on your wife. It happens. I've got, I will sit with you. Okay. But to rub your nose in it, you sit up in the stands while me and her share a dugout and we're going to bring our kids around so that they get to see this too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yeah, there's not a way to soft land this. Yeah, that's what I'm trying to tell her. And I think you're on to something, and this isn't every relationship, but I think in your marriage particular, I think you love her enough and see enough, have known her well enough to know this is going to be yet another Xanax.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
No, no, we all do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
We all have. Bro, we all do. We all do. I'm saying you know this is her kicking the can down the road even further. That's what I feel like, yeah. She'll have a reckoning at some point with the mirror.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Big, big boy and big girl decisions come with big boy and big girl choices and consequences, period. How do I say that lovingly? I think is loving. Nothing you say is going to be received lovingly because lovingly for her is I want the world to bend to how I feel in this particular moment. And she found some therapists that would bend that way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
She found some internet article that said, well, here's an alternative to reality. We'll call it nesting where we're going to live under the illusion that the kid's lives aren't disrupted or they're minimally disrupted when it's just, you know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
It already is. It already is. And so, let me just say this. In my house, I would... heartbreakingly and with all the grief in the world, if my wife was having the same conversation, I would say, hey, I love you. And if you need to go, I won't stand at the door like you're an adult. I'll do anything and everything that I can to help you create a world where you feel safe enough to stay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
But if you want to go, you can go. I'm not going to leave. this is my house and these are the kids. And if you want to take the kids from their home, you can take me to court. But you can't pretend that you're, you can't at the same time, you're blowing up this family. You can't also pretend that everything is mostly going to stay the same.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And I would say that in an honorable way and retaining her dignity, she's clearly going through hell. but it's a disassociative, like she does not have her feet on the ground.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And I'm heartbroken that she got in with a therapist that didn't firmly plant her feet on the ground and say, I'll sit with you and walk with you and I'll hold up a mirror as we go through this separation, this divorce, but I'm gonna be honest, we gotta make a budget. And we're going to have to talk about what no fault looks like in Nevada.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And we got to go through these things and what sharing custody is because the world you're envisioning is not a real world. And her therapist failed her and I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I think you're a pretty good man. Thank you. I mean, it sounds like you've gone to hell and back. Or maybe you're not back yet. I'm back. I'm getting there. Yeah, I know. Well, here's the thing. The challenge is when you get back, your skin's a little bit thicker, and it's easy to want to just mount up and go to war. And I think for you, the challenge is going to be exhaling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And not having the courage just to leave you as crazy as that sounds coming from me. It's just, it's just, it's embarrassing. I'm sorry. You have to deal with it. Thank you. Absolutely embarrassing. So look, can I say this? You're not crazy. Cause I guarantee you with some, okay. We have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back. right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Because pretty soon she's going to go from this woman I'm desperately trying to stay married to, to a woman who's blowing up my kids' lives. War would feel better. You're right. It's harder to stay in it. And it's harder to make that shift. Like I'm going to model for my two boys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
What dignity and respect looks like when they're getting punched in the face. So hard. But this is my home. This is their home, and we're going to stay here. If you want to go, I'm not going to slash your tires. Hey, brother, I'm heartbroken for you. Hey, how about this? See if your wife will call in. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
All right, brother. Thanks for being in our gang, dude. And I'm so sorry this is happening, man. Thank you. Take care. So, so, so sorry. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Listen, we all live on the internets these days, and I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter what I wish. It's just happening. Everything in my life and everything in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And because so much of our lives exist there now, it's just become weirdly normal to just give away our email address to random strangers, just give away our cell phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell our information to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me. It's madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete.me has saved me countless hours, days even, by removing all of this nonsense for me, and they've sent detailed reports that show me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
We can't really avoid the internet, but we can help make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all Delete.me plans. This comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney to check them out. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I guess we're a month out from the last Money in Marriage event. We got tons of just pretty amazing questions that were part of a lot of the Q&As that we do. The October Money in Marriage and the February Money in Marriage for 2025 and 26 are already open. If you want to come join us in Nashville, Tennessee, it's just an extraordinary weekend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
But here's a question that comes from the Money in Marriage weekend. We are in our late thirties and we make about 250 grand a year. Dang Gina, maybe all our hiring. We both come from families that struggled financially. We've made more disposable income than we thought we'd ever make. We like to spend money on things like travel. Last year we spent 20 grand on travel. Is that too much?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
How do we think through the best way to allocate quote unquote extra money and not feel guilty? Um, Man, this is something that actually my buddy Dave Ramsey has taught me about personally because I grew up with not a lot too. And my life has changed here now that I'm living in this, the last great loophole of mankind called podcasting. Well, there's a couple of things here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Number one, if you find yourself with more money than you ever thought you would make, it's important to acknowledge the ratios. Meaning, if you make $30,000 a year, you're driving a used Corolla, and you're going to drive it until it dies, right? Because that's X percentage of your annual salary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
If you make $500,000 a year, then a nice used Lexus, a new Lexus, proportionally to your salary is less than that used Corolla was to when you made $30,000. So there's something about the ratio. that has given me peace, lets me exhale a little bit. The second thing here is some people who grew up with money, very scarce, it's wired into your nervous system. Money is something to be afraid of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Like somebody that is like the snake in the grass at work that takes your job. Like it hurts and we get mad and angry and all that. But we, we, we intellectually understand that most of us don't have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the front, in the face, someone that we love and care about and we trust.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
There's never gonna be enough. It's always gonna run out. That's just your body trying to take care of you. So don't go to war with your body But I always tell people when you're making out a budget to put money that you will give away and put that at the top of the list. Giving is a, it's a, it's a way to enter into the world as though I am participating in this world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I'm a person who gives, I'm a person of generosity. And the second one is I tell people who are struggling with scarcity mindsets or that guilt feeling you have, put money away that you will spend on yourself. You have to practice giving. Enjoyment. You have to practice joy. You have to practice peace. Those are just things we've never done before. It's great. It's good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And then the last thing is feeling guilty. You might feel guilty for a while. And so you can come up with some tips or tricks like... I don't know. I'm going to commit to giving away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
If I'm going to go on a vacation that cost X, I'm going to give away a quarter of that money, um, to a charity that I love or to some friends who want to send their kid to college or whatever, to a family member, whatever you can come up with stuff like that. I personally like the idea of feeling a little bit guilty, looking at the math and saying is math on my side here. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And then go on a vacation. And while you're on the vacation, um, Or on these different travel experiences, which by the way, I think the data says spending money on experiences turns your default setting towards joy, happiness, if you will, more than buying stuff, than things, right? You tend to fall back to baseline more. But go on the trip and feel it while you're there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I never pictured myself here. This is outside of my picture, but here I am on this really nice vacation. Here I am at a concert on the other side of the country. Here I am. And just be present in that space and then be grateful for it. Choosing to change your default setting from panic and running all the time to gratitude just helps. Um, But man, late 30s, make about $250,000 a year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
You don't owe anybody any money. I'm going to read that into this. If you owe people money, if your brain knows we're on a $20,000 vacation and they're going to take our cars from us if we get fired, then yeah, you're not going to sleep. Your body would be failing you if it let you sleep. If you have a mortgage out and they know, hey, we could lose the house if we don't... Your body's not failing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
It's working just as it should by giving you these feelings, these powerful emotions. But... I think there's just some honesty in, man, I never thought I'd have a marriage this good. It feels weird when we're just sitting on the couch at peace. Man, I never thought I would be this healthy after I lost all this weight. I'm just going to feel that for a minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I never thought we'd have money like this after growing up in a scarce environment. I'm just going to sit in that discomfort for a minute. And then I'm going to be really grateful that we got struck by lightning and we're here. And I'm going to be super, super, super generous. And then we're going to book that trip because we're going to go see the world. So hopefully that helps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Thank you for that question. And it happens more than you think. Get tons and tons of calls on the Ramsey show, the other show that I co-host. People struggling with how to spend their money when they've actually get there. When struggling with, man, we worked really hard and we've saved up for this car. Is it okay to get it? It's a very real thing. So thanks for the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And for more than 20 years, I've been sitting with hurting people who, and that includes all of us, trying to do life, like just do the next right thing and the wheels fall off, whether it's in our marriages, our mental and emotional health, whether that is in our workplace, wherever you find challenge. I'll show up and sit with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And then when that happens, in the rarer moments when they point at you and they say, oh, yeah, any response, oh, you're screaming in pain, you should be quiet. Be quiet. Then you start to think you're crazy. You're not crazy. This is insane. This is madness. Or let me say it this way. You know what? It's not madness. It's not insanity at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Thanks for being vulnerable and honest. Appreciate you. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
It's just clear data that he does not want this marriage. He does not, period, want, period, to be married to you, period. And that was a lot of periods, and I was trying to be emphatic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Because nobody who hurts somebody like he hurt you decides, I'm going to go ahead and rub her face in the concrete. And who cares if you have a nine-year-old who's like, I don't want to switch teams. It doesn't matter. You're nine. There's a grenade in the middle of your home. I don't care less what you want. You're nine. We're playing rec ball. We're not playing baseball this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
How about that? We're going to go fishing because I'm going to rebuild my marriage from the inside out because I just messed it up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I'm rarely speechless, and you got me on this one, Michelle. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
You have a voice in this, Michelle. You've got a voice. You're getting dragged behind a car through your community and you're like, hey, what if we went slower? Like, stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I want you to take the driver's seat back in your own life. We're trying out for other teams. Quit baseball. It's God almighty. What is wrong with people? Okay, I'm talking way too much even though I'm speechless, which I know sounds weird, but God help me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Stop sharing. Stop sharing. You got to just tell him. Listen, okay, how can I help? I'm just kind of getting out of my seat here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
So she's a Little League coach?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
He absolutely does not. He absolutely 1,000% does not care about your marriage, period. End of story. End of story. behavior is a language. He wants to spend hours and hours and hours in a confined space on a joint mission and purpose with the woman he cheated on you with period. End of story. That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Yeah. You got to metabolize that kind of, that kind of pain. I've had people who cheat at work and who quit their jobs to save their marriage. And that's noble. I've had people get rid of their computers because they're struggling with pornography and their spouse says enough is enough. Like there's people who move, they go to the ends of the earth to save their marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And man, it's one of my life's greatest honors to sit with hurting people trying to figure out, hey, what's the next right move? Hey, I think I see a light over that hill. What if we headed that way? If you would like me to sit with you and just figure out what's the next right decision, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291. Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
your husband is not interested in being married to you only so far as, I mean, you kind of will take anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
For everything. Do you have a daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Imagine she's 22 and she's telling you this story. What would you tell her to do? Run. I feel like I matter on your behalf than you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Michelle, I'm not going to beat you up. Let's don't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
It just is. I hate it for you. I hate you being treated like this. Nobody, nobody, nobody deserves to be hurt like this. Nobody. I'm so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Me too. And make no mistake, I guess the picture in my head is There was a house fire and the house burned to the ground and you were checking out the ashes of the house and a beam that had kind of burned through started to fall and you were holding it up. Your arms are so tired.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
You're covered in soot and ash and you're exhausted, but you don't want to drop the beam because you don't want to acknowledge that the house fell down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
So regardless of all the nonsense advice you're going to get, nobody can give you your next decision, your next choice. If somebody cheats in a relationship and the other person chooses to stay and they choose to rebuild their marriage and rebuild trust, I applaud that. I think that's amazing. I'll be in their corner all day long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And if somebody cheats in a relationship and they say, I can't, I can't come back. I'll sit with you too. I'll be in your corner all day long too. The one thing I can't stomach is the person who cheats, blows up everything and then looks over and says, yeah, I'm gonna keep doing this. I mean, help me out. What's, what's his justification?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
All right, let's go back to Texas and talk to Michelle in Corpus Christi. What's up, Michelle?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Okay. So let me, let me pause there. That's not an uncommon scenario. And this is going to sound strange to say, like, that doesn't freak me out. Like I, that part isn't, um, I'm trying to think of the right words. It's not rare. But what on earth, post that moment, the, oh my gosh, I just changed everything. I just slept with one of my close friend's wives.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I just slept with one of my wife's close friends. Someone I travel with that we coach games. Like I just woke. What in the world could possibly be the justification for being like, all right, so here's the deal. We're going to continue coaching together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I guarantee you they figured out a way around that. Guaranteed. My truck is not nice, but I would bet the whole thing they figured it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Good, good, good. What's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
I'm literally heartbroken for you, with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
If he cares more about his precious little imaginary reputation among the Little League community than he does about his marriage, that's about all you need to know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
Or let me say it like this. You're worth more than that. I'm just embarrassed, man. I would get on the phone with somebody who's a trusted professional ASAP. And I think for you, going back to the house on fire analogy, you need to have somebody that can help you clear the smoke and the ash so you can figure out what you want to do next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Affair Is Over. . . But He Still Talks to Her
And maybe sit with a counselor in your local area that can walk through like, okay, this is happening and this is happening and this is happening so they can be as hopefully as direct as I'm being. I just, I can't, I can't wrap my head around it. This is just shameful on so many different levels. It's embarrassing. I just keep saying embarrassing. I'm just embarrassed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Over the past three or four years, Lane has helped me personally with some challenges I've had.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
We've navigated life together, and I'm so happy that we finally got the opportunity to sit down in person to talk through everything from what's it like being wrong, exercise and nutrition, like what's the chaos out there in the world versus what is actually real when it comes to nutrition, when it comes to exercise. We talk about...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
So how about this year, let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul. Let's start with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day and I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers, and one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and fostering a community for accountability. So start the new year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Right now, they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. I'm a founding member of the get off the internet and go outside and live your life club. Actually, I think I'm the only member.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life basically living on the internets. As a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers. We're buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
How can some people be so good in certain parts of their lives and then just be train wrecks in others? We talk about so much. We run the gamut here. This is one of my favorite conversations I've ever had from a true, not an Instagrammy or a TikTokky, but a true expert.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Every business in the world wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me stuff all the time. It drives me nuts. And yet with all of this online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you directly throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. Now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little bit and feel some peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
In this new year, you can share this peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. You gave me a line one time that has stuck with me, and it sticks with me when it comes to marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
It sticks with me when it comes to dealing with budgets here at Rams. It sticks with me all the time, and that is people are always stepping over dollars to pick up pennies. And when I look at the landscape right now, we're a couple days after an election, right? All of a sudden, the literature has been flooded. I say the literature, the popular media has been flooded with money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
fluoride and red number 30 and the seed oil thing's been going on for years and years and years. And I don't know enough to speak intelligently. What I know is fine. It may all be poison and bad and 40 to 50% of the country struggles with obesity. And was it 8 out of 10, 7 out of 10 people have one or fewer people that they can reach out to and say, I'm not okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And so when I think of the caustic mechanistic issues going on, it feels like we are playing on the margins. It's yet another distraction. Am I crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Somebody who coaches people, who performs themselves, knows all the academic insights, and who can distill it all down for knuckleheads like me to understand. So sit back and enjoy this conversation with my friend, Lane Norton. You are one of the most graceful people I know behind closed doors. And you have a thing in your guts about charlatans. Where does that come from? Like you...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And it was like his own hand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Four times. That's astounding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Or if you're... I don't remember the number. If your mom has or one of your parents has schizophrenia, you have 100% risk. Right. Okay, so it goes from 1% to 2%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Exactly. And those numbers aren't real, but yes. For sure. People freak out and it's... Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Massive, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
It's neuroprotective.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Lip and mouth cancer, tongue cancer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You and I are trying to walk through as quickly as we can. Don't ingest chemicals and smoke into your body. I feel like the fact that we have to do that Tells me that we've lost it somewhere. Obesity is the same way. If you're 25, 50, 100% larger than, and your body has to carry and deal with that. I don't know how that's a, I don't know how we've jumped the shark in the, it's not good, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
It's not good for you. Yeah. There's a thousand reasons. It's not good. It's not good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Just like you know obesity is not good for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
More so than most people I know. You have... I think of it this way. Me and a buddy are walking down the street and somebody mouths off. And they mouth off about me. I often wouldn't hear it. I have a... Thing in my guts. If I hear somebody mouth off about a kid, I snap. I get irrational to the point that I've had people grab my arm and say, keep walking. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And that's the secret that you talk to people who are in recovery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
That nobody tells you. Heroin works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Alcohol works. Until it doesn't. Until it kills you. That's right. That's right. It works. It does. It performs a role.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Like it's, it really is very powerful when you, I heard, I heard doc talking to you talking the other day, even he said, I attribute most of the drop in, in testosterone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. It's plastics.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Let's pick up the dollars and then we'll pick up pennies, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Okay. What matters when we're talking about obesity and it's a sensitive topic, um, Does five pounds matter? Does 15 pounds matter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
There you go. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Which is defined clinically as?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
So I don't think we have, I don't think we spend enough time there because guys like me are always saying it's hard. It's going to be a journey. It's going to be whatever with the right trauma therapist with me. It was five or six gnarly sessions. Of the six, two or three were bad. They were tough. And then I saw a huge shift, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You and I can both be scrolling social media on the same thing. And one guy pops off and I'm like, what an idiot. And you have this thing in your guts where you're like, stop. I'm going to go burn that guy's house down. Where does that come from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Or when you and I, like when you started helping me early on, if I can just... make some changes for 60 days. Yeah. Everything begins to shift and it feels like it's forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And it's handled today. The body's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
My fidgeting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. Right. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
It's overlooked by kids. They move so freaking much. They do. And like always just, and that adds up over time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
No, I feel better. They don't have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Gotcha.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
So where does the cultural... Is it purely aesthetic? Because what you're saying right now, what I'm saying right now, there are people listening to the show that trust me. There are people listening to the show that trust you. I don't know why you do that. But there's people... This particular thing set something off. There's so much shame.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. The other day you were like, Hey, you got a book. I was like, you don't need another book, man. You need to go do the same thing. That was a long silent, right? I mean, that's all of us. That's all of us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
There are three potential mates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. Uh, you're not talking about my buddy, Carlos went and spent a couple of weeks with an Amish family and he talked about, um, I think it was the 1920s. The average meal was approximately 90 minutes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
and the average meal in 2021 was 12 yeah and he ate his bacon eggs whatever and he was kind of getting itchy at the table because the average meal with the almos family was about two hours and at one point he said hey i'm done eating and he goes and the guy said you're done eating but the meal's not over and at one point he said this is our facebook this is it like we're learning about the community what's going on in your world and it just went right that's how we're wired and yet
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And I've heard the same as go for a walk. Walk has a reduction effect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Can I tell you, I become a better husband. I become a better dad. And I don't know if it's just a tidy, but it clarifies my mind. Whoa, yeah. The whole world slows down a little bit for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Lift weights, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
But it matters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Well, and my first thought is if I can get somebody who's struggling with depression to commit to something over eight weeks and just show up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
that is it's it's the tiny wins right it's the tiny wins and and and and then you add the physical movement and the accomplishment and you and i talked this morning you keep your promises to yourself that's right you tell yourself the truth and you uh you can't read a book on confidence you have to go do things and your body begins to walk on firm right so it's it's cumulative yep um
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And so I think what you're saying is important, and I've reached a point where I want to make sure, A, I say this gently, but also I've reached a point that I carry around a lot of guilt to oversimplify it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And I'm carrying too much burden here, I know, but for 20 years of taking young people and their families in educational environments and essentially patting them on the head and saying, oh, you struggle with X. you're not ever going to be able to dot, dot, dot. You go over here in the corner and let me fight this for you. I'll fight these professors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I'll take care of this because you have this thing. You struggle with this thing. This part's hard for you. You go over there because, and here's any number of minority academic arguments that say that's all you're ever going to be. And it has been the last five or six or seven years that I have felt this overwhelming sense of
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
There are true, true deep, I spend my career with victims, people who have been kicked to the margins, who have been just, their lives are staggering how rough they've been. And I have not landed in one of those conversations from telling somebody that their child is dead to talking to assault victims, to whatever it is, that we have not landed everyone on the exact same question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
The fact that y'all did that, by the way, is so rad. Oh, I loved it. That all his students came back, that's pretty special.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
What are you going to do next? And so it's sitting here and exhaling and saying, I have a top 10 podcast on relationships and my daughter won't talk to me. I got to go see a therapist because that's probably me, right? It is you saying, I just freaking won the international championship again, which congratulations, brother. And hey, Deloney, can you talk about something else?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Like something else going on in your life, right? Like, yeah, I got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
it is somebody listening to this podcast who is for for however many years has googled has gone down the rabbit holes of what must be this and it's this in the water and it's this and the food dies and it's whatever and i'm still 30 pounds overweight and exhaling and going so you want to know a phrase i think you're really going to like yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
One of my favorite actors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And when you're safe, you can have that conversation. You can figure it out. Right. You can talk to the building code people, and y'all can redo the codes. Get out of the house. I love that. Yeah. That's good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment. I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I've purchased a number of bond charge products with my own money and I love them. Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus studies being double blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one has shown any negative side effects.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite stretch marks, and more. I use my red light therapy panels and mask both near infrared light and red light 10 to 20 minutes each day and sometimes more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your kids and your in-laws and everything you got going on in your life. For the past two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people as the wheels have fallen off their life, trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And I often do this during my prayer and meditation time or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It's become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. I've also ordered Bond Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and bulbs for my home, and more. Bond Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 15% off your order. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 15%. For the person who's listening to this, they have a good job. And they can't figure out their wife. They are a great mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And they can't figure out the professional balance. Like, they want to go back to work. Like, what do you tell the person who, on paper, has it all, right? You're shredded. I mean, our providers are pretty much exactly the same, but other than that, right? You've got all the things, right? Yeah, I mean, there's a part of my life that's a train wreck right now. And it's so hard to not spiral out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Most of the people, myself included, who do really good things at scale do that because we have to cover up for the stuff that we struggle with, right? What do you tell that person who's listening and says, I do this other thing in my life so good and I can't get this right, so I must be worthless?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I think people say they want balance. I think what really people want, they want peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You know who else feels that way? My son when he was four. It's a child. You can't tell me – Right? It's... And in some ways, I've been... It's maturity. It's grown up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I'm probably the wrong person to ask about that. How are you navigating your life in a series of... in a season of self-forgiveness? Um... How do moms forgive themselves when they say that one thing? Or dads when they scream at their kid and they're like, God. Yeah, I've struggled with that. Or the dad that hides that one purchase that turns into hiding the second purchase that hides too. Oh, God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
How do you forgive yourself?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. You know? You beat yourself up more than most people I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You see the wrappers and it's just reflective, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I think you're getting at something so important. I was hoping you'd get there. Can I tell you what I think it is? Yeah. I mean, this is your area, not mine. Well, I'm fascinated because you do, you beat yourself up more than most people I know. Like most people that I've spent time with, like on a particular thing, like get pretty caustic, right? Or you wear it as, you hold it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And I think that means you care more than a lot of people do, right? The only way I've figured out so far is how to forgive myself. is to outsource it. And what I mean by that is, I don't think we are, and I'm sure there's, I'm sure Hughes can sit in here and unpack it for us. I don't know that we're built to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I think there's reason why 12 step programs in religious communities and even the trust people build in forums. I think there's something profound about sitting in front of somebody and saying, this is all of me. This is what I've done and exhaling and seeing either the friend or the community member or the therapist or the minister or the spouse say, and I still love you. And I think there's a,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. In those moments when I can't love myself, when I can't forgive myself, I think that is where, I think that's the moment when your soul's on fire that having other people, that's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You'd run. You'd bolt. And it's when my wife says, no, no, I know what I signed up for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Right? Yeah. Or it's the old C.S. Lewis quote that's like, the definition of friend is, oh, you too? And everyone just exhales, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Either or.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You're less than. Go over here in the corner. We'll figure it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah, I have too. You and I wouldn't do our jobs if we didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I get to choose what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You can have compassion, and there's still consequences.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I think that's the thing I want people to walk away with is it's very hard and it's not complicated. It's simple.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
It's very uncomfortable. Calories in, calories out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
doesn't mean it's easy no and and and when i started using carbon like the app that you guys created i was astounded that the the peanut butter cups that i grab on the admin's desk walking by my cubicle every single day of my life had 120 calories each in them yeah like what i eat six of those a day just one here and one here they're little bitty things you know
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I worked out hard this morning, Lane, for an hour. I did 60 minutes. Yeah. And I think I was at 750. Yeah. So that hour that I burned this morning, getting after it... Which, by the way, you were actually more like 400 or 500.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Because these overestimate, but... Disagree. Agree to disagree. I ate the whole thing back in... Right. And so it's, I didn't like it. It was uncomfortable when I'm just having a steak with the family. And it's like, that steak's 3000 calories after you get done all the stuff on it. Right. And so it does take an adjustment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And the same as I tell young people when they're like, Hey, we can't, we can't afford our apartment. And I say here, and I hate that for you because you've had a picture in your head for your whole life. And everyone told you, if you just go get this degree and get this job and get this thing, you can do whatever you want, wherever you want it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And they didn't tell you the truth because math doesn't care. And I hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Sell the car. Y'all might have to live in Kansas because it's cheaper to live there. Yeah. If you want to be a book editor. So it's just this reckoning with reality. And I think for me, the quicker people can wrap their head around, okay, here I am, the quicker you can get about the business of, I'm going to take the next right step.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Sleep, yeah, have some friends. That's 95% of it right there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I think letting most people know Okay. It is fun to go down a conspiracy theory rabbit hole so that there's some secret group putting stuff in the water sources to make us all... That's cool. Awesome. And I love those like anybody. But let's pick up the dollars.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
That I'm seeing something that nobody else is seeing. Because it's sexy, right? That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Right. Or walking through the hell that somebody else put in your life. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And what's the foundation you build your house on? Exactly. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you. Like for real. I'm glad you're my friend. And I'm glad you always, always pick up the phone when I call you. And I can't say that about a lot. So thank you. Same. That means the world. All right. Hey, everybody, listen to this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe, are having a new year sale going on right now. I was traveling a ton this holiday season, and when I was out on the road, I was counting down the days until I could get back into my Helix mattress. Sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest, and I'm getting into new levels of deep, refreshing sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And I've said this a lot, and I'm going to keep saying it. Everyone in my immediate family now sleeps on a Helix mattress. All of them. My son, my daughter, all of us. And my family is all different, just like you are all different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And because everyone sleeps in their own unique way, Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs a little extra love, they have mattresses for you too. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10- or 15-year warranty. Here's what I want you to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, and it will help you find the perfect mattress for your sleep preferences in less than two minutes. Here's the best part. Helix has a new year sale going on right now. 25% off site-wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase and a free bedding bundle. Go to helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
That's helixsleep.com slash deloney for all of this great discount. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, that was my conversation with the great and powerful, literally great and powerful, Dr. Lane Norton. We're going to link to everything, including the Carbon app in the show notes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
The Carbon app is the app that I use to help me maintain calories in, calories out, and energy usage, all that stuff. We're going to link to everything there. And if you get nothing else from this episode, know this. All of us, from world champions to knuckleheads like me to everybody, all just trying to scratch and claw and make the world a little bit better place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And so if you ever feel like I'm not getting this perfect, I messed this up, even though I got this right, just know you're not alone. You're not alone. We're all walking through this madness together. And that's how we're going to get to the other side. Thanks for being with us. I love you guys. Stay in school. Now go lift some weights and eat some protein. Or, you know. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah, yeah. I set the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And so it would have been real easy for you to become the victim in that moment. Right. And instead it was, no, that was harsh, but that was the learning opportunity and I'm going to make the changes I can do. All I can control is me here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah, right, right, right, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I'd love to have you on the show. It's real people going through real life stuff. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. Fill out the form, and we'll see if we can get you on the show. Today, we have a very special guest, fresh off his world championship weightlifting victory. World champion. This isn't the first time or the second time. I think it's the third or fourth. I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah. But you as a coach have seen the impact on human beings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You've helped me with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
And the only way to make the shame go away is to eat more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Or like me, bro, I've skipped Easter. Yeah. I've skipped, I've not eaten cake at one of my kids' birthdays once. Right, right. And so I end up like in the name of this thing I was taught or told from a very confident source that, Dude, I missed out on important markers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I even heard a few years ago that protein eventually breaks down into, is it protein something genesis that breaks down to sugar eventually.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You can keep playing that game all the way out, right? For sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
He wins everything all the time. The strongest man in the world, and he happens to be one of the world's most renowned athletes. He happens to be one of the world's most renowned experts on nutrition, protein, getting beefcake-y, and taking down people who lie on the internet about nutrition. I'm talking about Dr. Lane Norton, who's also a good friend and big-time advocate for what we do here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
I remember having tacos with you once. I was like, I don't know how. I think he had one drink and two tacos. And I have chips and queso and taco. I'm like, I'm going to get another taco. Yeah, I just get out of control. But again, it goes back to know thyself, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
You did that to me. You read my first book and you called me and you're like, hey, great book. You were wrong here. But I needed that. I was right. And as a guy who worked in science, it's not a... It's not an indictment. No. As much as it's a, dude, you put a piece of iron out here to be sharpened, and I happen to can sharpen that side of that thing, right? And it's a gift. It's a blessing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Right, right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Nutrition Expert Debunks Health Misinformation (With Dr. Layne Norton)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
They're screwed up, and they're goofy, and they say dumb things and do dumb things, and they try to hide on the golf course or video game. I get that. I get it. I totally get it. But hear me say, this is out of the norm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Hey, listen, you are, you can get as emotional as you want and go slow as you want and only say what you want it to. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
She said that her husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That it's just, she should have her license taken away. That's not normal. It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, form, or fashion. She should have her license stripped for her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Now, if she was saying, I will not tolerate you putting your hands on them, every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage, is going to struggle with communication and figuring things out and dad's trying to check out. That is normal. But if she's telling you, you just got to like, hey, some guys just shove their wives around. That's not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I mean, it's true that that happens. That is not normal. It's not right. It's not good. It's not something you just deal with. Do you have a friend? Do you have a, I don't know, somebody you work with, somebody that could let y'all crash?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I mean, it sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad or a husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So there's no... Well, and maybe... I'm trying to find a silver lining with this guy. And again, I've never talked to him. I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. Maybe he knows I can't control myself. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if he's talking like that to you, I want to be a dad. I want to want to be a dad and a husband. I like the idea of that picture.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if that's what he's given you, I would not fight that. I would accept that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Okay. Well, here's what I'm going to do for you. Okay. I can't do a whole ton. I'm so glad that you're in counseling. Please continue to go. I would, I want you to sit down with a counselor and, And tell the counselor you met with another mental health professional and that I told you to explicitly clarify. And this is you, part of you, and I know you've never been allowed to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So this is day one. I want you to throw your shoulders back and put your head up, put your chin out, and look this therapist in the eye as equals. Y'all are both people just trying to do right in the world. And I want you to look the therapist in the eye and say, I had another mental health professional that I talked to told me to ask you directly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
When you said, this is totally normal and this is just part of being a newlywed with a new kid, were you talking about communication challenges or were you talking about him shoving me to the ground? Put that person on the spot and get that clarity, okay? My hope is, This therapist was saying, I will not tolerate violence. I'll call it in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And everybody struggles with communication challenges, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That's my hope. If not, if the therapist was saying, no, no, no, everybody kind of shoves around each other a little bit. That's okay. Then I want to know because I'm going to file on their license. Okay. So get that kind of clarity. If you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying, I'm hoping it is, then you can continue to stay there. But I want you to get some very clear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I want to talk through what being safe looks like. What's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan. Okay. Okay. That's number one. Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. All right. I'm going to give you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It also has an assessment in there for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And I want you to do take that assessment and read that book. It's really, really short. And it might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory. Okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University. All nine lessons. It's digital. You can watch them at home by yourself. And I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to all that. I want you to do that. And it's going to, I'm going to give it to you for free. And I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And I want you to, again, to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller. You're going to have this insight. You're going to have knowledge. You're going to have wisdom and you're going to have a path. Okay. The third thing I'm going to send you the every dollar app for free for a year. The good one, like the, not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And that's going to be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff. Okay. So you can start looking at what does economic independence look like? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm also going to send you building a non-anxious life. If you're not a reader, that's totally cool, but it's me giving you, here is what living a free life feels like and looks like. And there's a path out there for you too. Okay. When we come back, we're going to talk to a woman who is struggling. because her husband's the fun parent and she's been stuck in the other role. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
All right, I'm gonna tell you the truth. Cutting corners with your physical fitness won't cut it. Whenever I try and just wing my workouts, when I don't have a plan or any specific goals, I end up skipping workouts. I make a lot of excuses. I cut my workouts short. I don't really get anywhere. And I hear from a lot of you and you all work the same way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
If we want real progress towards our fitness goals, we need a plan. And TrainWell's got the plan for everyone. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals, and you can both make a personalized plan together. And then you get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them and changing them to help you get stronger and better. I use it, my wife uses it, Kelly uses it, some of my friends use it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Everybody's using train well workouts and it takes away our excuses and it's making working out better and easier. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, Get online and take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash Deloney right now. And right now they have a special offer just for my audience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney. That's train, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash Deloney. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional health resources.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families, hurting people for years, and people are scared to just take that next step. Listen, when people don't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, workplaces, and entire communities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
The world is better. Your life is better when people are healthy and happy. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Good folks. We're all better with help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Columbus, Ohio and talk to Allison. What's up, Allison?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Oh yeah, dude. It's going to be fun, man. We're going to have a blast. I'm glad y'all are coming. That's cool. Very cool. Well, Hey, at the end of this call, hang on the line and we'll get you upgraded to VIP and you can come backstage and meet us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I know. I know. But I want you to hear what you're able to do. I mean, this is usually like five months of therapy. You're able to... have a picture of who you think you want to be. And I'll challenge that picture in a second, but I love that you have one. And you also aren't burning your husband down because he happens to be the thing that you wish you were.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So let me make sure. I'm going to read back to you what I got in my mind to make sure I'm hearing you right, okay? Okay. You met this guy a couple years ago. Y'all fell in love pretty hard, pretty fast. How old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Cause that's usually what most people do. It's easy to be like, he never did. But you're like, no, no, I'm going to be fair. He is a great husband and he's also obnoxiously fun and it drives me crazy, but I love it. Right. And you're able to feel your own body as it's doing what it's doing to try to keep you safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And the tragedy here is it's trying to keep you safe when you are under the direct gaze of one of your kids. And we'll get into that. But most people blame their kids. They just blame and blame and blame. And for you to be this self-aware is amazing. So you're awesome. That's so cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Good call. That tells me you've done a ton of work and introspective. We're just thinking through all this stuff. So good for you. All right. I'm going to throw a couple of questions up against the wall. Okay. Let's see what sticks. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Oh, you know what? Can I throw... Depending on where I think this is going to go, this could be hilarious and really awkward. Is that okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
All right, same team. I'm not trying to be weirdo, but I'm being serious, okay? Okay. But also, I'm smiling. What is... Don't go into super graphic detail, but give me a high-level time... You just wowed your husband. Oh, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was a crime. Yo, yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your kids and your relationships, whatever else you got going on in your life. So glad that you're here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Forget his. He didn't get a vote on this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
No, no, no. I'm talking about like, I'm going to be comically sexual and I'm going to blow his mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
we're about 25 okay so still kind of young but you're going for it y'all got married and then i guess y'all you got pregnant on your honeymoon and yeah then um you have a seven month old and since you've been married your husband's i didn't get the game he's playing too much playing video games all the time tell me more about that yeah it was so he struggled really hard like when
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Of course. Of course. It's may, it's, it's mayhem. Yeah. Yeah. And does he love that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Cool. And when he plays back, does that light you up or does that make you start to disappear in your own body?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Okay. All right. Okay. Good, good, good, good. So, all right. That's question number one. So I know that's, you don't sound like a person like me, like at the dinner table. I'm like, Hey, like anyway, I bet our dinner conversations are very different and I love that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Okay. All right. All right. So here's the second thing. What evidence do you have that you're not fun?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
All right. So as you're saying that in my house, as you can imagine, I have the same dynamic. And my dream is one day my kids will be like, dad, I super am in love with some guy or some girl. And they don't, they go to my wife. You know, when they come to me, when my daughter goes, dad, it's time for couch fight part two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And then she attacks me on the couch and jumps off the thing onto the, and then we're in WWE. And then my son comes by and, you know, like he bumps me, I bump him back. And then now we're like, Hey dad, you want to go fishing? Yeah, let's do that. Hey dad, you want to go wrestle in the backyard? Yeah, let's do that. Hey mom, I'm really struggling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And I'm like, Hey, why don't you talk to me about this? What I do for a living. And they're like, yeah, whatever dad. And so I'm asking you, I would love to be in your position. So what is it about this position? Hey mom, couch fight. Now it's time. And your first thought is, Oh, I don't want to mess up the cushions. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Um, or Hey, you have homework to do, or Hey, I don't want to mess something up. Last night, we were watching, it was the 100 years of the Opry, right? And so they had all these old country stars, and I think I've talked on this show, my son is obsessed with 90s country. And it was just like, coming up next, Garth Brooks, coming up next, Clint Black, coming up next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And he goes to bed pretty early, and I was like, dude, you're staying up for this one. He's like, oh, yeah. And my wife's like, he's gotta go to bed. And then the next one would come up and be like, coming up next, Garth Brooks. I'm like, Hank, you gotta watch it. Anyway, it'd be like an hour and a half later. And I was like, he's gotta live. And she's like, he's gotta, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But all three of us were laughing the whole time. So I'm asking you like, what is it about your role that feels sacred and holy for your kids as a, not in a religious sense, but like as a place for them to land? And you're like, no, I want this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Yeah. What is it about your kids trusting you enough with their inner world that you don't feel you don't like that role as much as you would like to just be able to throw water balloons at them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Um, but you would rather them say, Hey mom, let's, let's do couch fight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And that's kind of where I struggle. Where does that voice come from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Okay. So... I'm not, hear me say this in, like, same team, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But this is one of those things, like, I heard a comedian say, like, he was just making fun of, like, how do you lose weight? Like, diet and exercise. Like, it sounds so easy, but it's, like, a trillion-dollar industry, right? Right. The solution here is actually incredibly simple. But it only is going to work if you give yourself a ton of grace because it's going to feel awkward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Okay. Simple as this. That angst, that kind of feeling frozen, like I feel like I want to do something fun, but I don't even know what to do. And then all of a sudden your husband comes in and everybody's wearing oven mitts and they're slapping each other with them. You're like, I would have never thought of that. Right. And everyone's laughing, having fun. And you're like, I wish I could.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Did he just ignore you guys? No helping with the bottles, no helping with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
It is you literally plotting it out. Wednesday afternoon, I'm going to have a bucket of water balloons. And when my kids, I'm going to say, hey, can y'all come outside real quick? I'm going to have a bucket behind the door for them. And I'm just going to be on the other side of the yard. And I'm just going to start letting them have it. And it's going to feel awkward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm going to feel like this isn't going to work. I'm going to feel weird. I don't want to get wet. Like whatever the thing. And then here's the magic. Go try it anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm going to go buy five sticks of butter, and me and my kids are going to have a butter carving contest, and whoever wins gets a bag of Kit Kats. Something absurd, right? Just ridiculous. But I am going to just be ridiculous. We're going to have a mayonnaise carving contest. And whatever the weird thing is, it's kind of like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Whenever you have two kids, the old marriage adage is you can have sex on the calendar or you can not have it. But the days of like y'all just winking at each other and it's like nine o'clock and you're having a beer and like, let's just like, that's over. Like you're, you got two kids running around, like everything's tired, but you still want to be together. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So we're going to put on a calendar. Same here. You're practicing your way into this. And it's a matter of just giving yourself permission. And here's what I'm hoping happens. I'm hoping you begin not teach your mind because your mind knows. We have to teach your body. It's still running on seven-year-old you technology. That it wasn't okay to be silly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Parents, dads aren't supposed to be silly with their kids. Moms aren't silly with their kids. Moms aren't a part of the fun stuff, right? I want your body to begin to feel how fun it is and how hilarious it is. There's going to be some days you get tired and your kids, y'all are going to be making jokes and you're just going to start crying. That's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Or one of your kids, y'all are going to be whapping each other with, I don't know, paper towel rolls or something and someone's going to get hurt and then you're instantly going to be nine again. You're not supposed to do that. That's okay. We're just practicing our way into being silly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And on the other side, can I throw a counterweight to this whole conversation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
My wife has reminded me over the 23 years of being married, I get to be silly and wild and crazy because the mental load she carries all of the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And sometimes your body may not be letting you just cut loose because it is carrying every doctor and dentist appointment and can't wear this color on this day at school. But this other kid's got to do this at school. And don't forget next week is this. There's a parent conference and braces just fell out and the dog needs to get.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And then dad comes home from work and he's had his mental load is much less. And so it's really been helpful in my house to sit down and say, okay, let me take some of the mental load from you. And that actually like literally frees up space for creativity and excitement and fun. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Your husband can be amazing and have no idea what you're carrying. Why? Do you know who my dentist is? I don't. I have no idea. I forget every time. Every time. And like, I can't tell you the number of times I've had to pay the extra 70 bucks for new x-rays because I went to the wrong new place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
It would never have occurred to me to know like when my dentist is open and when they're not like, I don't know. I just, you know what I mean? And so on the other side, you may have your dentist, kid's dentist. Like this dentist doesn't work on Mondays, but this one does. And this one's recommending braces, but I need to talk about this one with this one cavity. And he has no idea.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him uninformed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Yeah, it would be honoring to him. And that means you have to go all the way back to that nine-year-old girl and take a knee in front of her And let her know, hey, controlling every stray variable kept you safe as a kid. It did. And I'm sorry you had to do that. But now you got a ride or die partner. We made it. We made it. I married really well. We got a gang now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And that thing that kept me safe as a kid is making me have less joy as an adult. And I'm not going to do that. I'm not sacrificing joy with these two knuckleheaded kids. The time I had with them is too short. And then let's be real intentional about practicing being silly, right? Practicing those, all right, when they get home. We're going to throw SpaghettiOs on each other in the backyard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I don't know what you're going to do, but just decide. We're going to be silly. Hey, kids, we got some, I don't know, some old something, and we're going to cause some problems with it. Or get a couple of Zebco reels and say, we're going fishing. Do you know how to fish, Mom? Nope. And we're going to figure it out. And whoever wins gets to pick where we eat on the way home or whatever's going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But we're going to schedule silly until our bodies feel, oh, my gosh, this is so, so fun. And it's the same way I have to schedule intentionality. I have to schedule paying attention. And I always feel how good it feels when I get something done by the deadline. It just feels amazing. Allison, you are awesome, awesome, awesome. Thank you so much for the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Hey, when we come back, we're going to talk to a man who is pretty worried about the path his family is taking. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free. We're going to change our marriages. We're going to change our emotional and mental health. It just takes a small group. And there's a contagion effect, man, and it just becomes the way communities operate, and it's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And so thank you so much for just taking a second to do something small like hit the subscribe button or hit the like button or whatever you got to do. Thank you so, so much. Let's go to St. Louis and talk to Dwayne. What's up, Dwayne? What's up, Dr. John? What do you got, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Awesome. Thanks for the call, man. What's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Usually this happens when people have that kind of exciting, the first few times, especially it's kind of exciting. Like let's rebuild something new. We get to decide what's happening in our lives, but we have to live in this town or I have to keep this job or I have to, we will go to Christmas at my parents' house, right? So some of these big pillars, we don't actually swipe the whole thing away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
We swipe away chunks of it. And so then we enter into this new world, but then the same pulls bring us right back to where we were. So tell me, if you think of feelings like a dashboard in a car, what are you feeling that lets you know what's happening inside you, inside your wife, you all together, that lets you know this vision you have for your family is off the rails?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Yeah, man. Good for you, dude. Thanks for seeing this with clear eyes. And those, those eight hour trips are, Yeah, those can be. I listen to you for those trips. God help you, man. There's a lot of good podcasts out there, brother. You may want to check some out. What do you do for a living, man? I'm a welder. Okay. And do you do site work, I'm assuming? Yes. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Specialty welding or are you doing new builds? Specialty. Okay. So that's a trap, man, because you make good money, don't you? Yes. Very.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Here's the trade you're making. Yeah. Do I live a life where I'm dead in my own skin for some future finish line? Or do I step back and truly, truly sweep the deck clean with my wife and say, what kind of life do we want to live? How does we want this home to feel when both of us walk into it? And Dude, you have a mortgage with 30 grand left on it. That puts you better than 95% of America. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
There you go. Your wife's life sounds like one, and I hear this more and more and more and more. It's one of those things that you dream of it. I want to travel together. I want to get some land. I want to live on an RV. I'm going to homeschool. And the rigors of that life are exceedingly lonely. and disorienting and frustrating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And then you get heartbroken that you're frustrated at your own kids. And then you start looking in the mirror and saying, oh, you're a terrible mother because you don't even want to be around your own kids. And you see, and then I'm not worth having friends. And so when I do go home, it just starts in a big loop. Yeah. And you're alone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And 10 months out of the year, I'm saying this with all due respect, like you're a good provider for those kids, but you pop back in every random weekend, and you are expecting them to help you feel a certain way about the choice you've made to be gone 10 months out of the year, and they can't carry that. I can't do it. It's impossible. And you drive back with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That's that hollow feeling you're talking about when you're driving back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Because you didn't feel like you thought it was going to feel. Or you're watching your kids become something or become people that you didn't never think they were going to become, but you're not there to like, you get what I'm saying? Yeah. So, so let's get obnoxiously practical. How much money do you have in retirement?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Yeah. Okay. How old are you now? 4,700. So I guess what I would ask you is, you've heard that old saying, nothing changes if nothing changes. So I think it's going to come down to you and your wife asking each other, what's going to change?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So then he gets up, he's throwing like a major league two-year-old tantrum, but he's in a 25-year-old man's body. And then he gets up to go play his video games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Yeah. Well, I think I want to ask a few, like, I'm not going to ask you these, but I want you to ask a few, what I would call recursive questions. Some of these things feed on themselves. So would her therapy bills and would her post-traumatic stress, which she 100% has, not clinically, but you know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm not going to do a diagnosis on the show, but she's going to have all kinds of struggles with dad and that little kid, all that kind of stuff. How much of that collapses when she's got a home with roots? And a group of women she hangs out with and a small little church group and a group of people that she walks around the neighborhood with and a steady counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But you got to be a part of it too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That's good call up, man. And so, um, So again, I'm going to ask that recursive question. You answered it. It's not going to do nothing, dude. In fact, it might make it worse. She likes being on the road. She likes being out and about. My guess is, and without ever talking to her, she's got some profound grief she's got to work through. Right. And some of that grief is often carried with parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And dude, I've been working with young people with autism for my whole career. The shame and guilt parents carry, this quote unquote, I gave this to them. Sure, yeah. And, man, some parents just get buried by that, and some parents really work hard to dig into that because that story is just not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And you come out on the other side of it, and some of that challenge is, this isn't the picture I had. I wanted two healthy boys, and I got a kid with special needs, and it's hard, and it's frustrating, and things go slower. And some of it's just about getting with the right grief therapist to sit there and work through, like, How do we slowly live into reality? This is my life. This is my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Dude, that's so hard. But she has to want to do that kind of healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So, so how much do you make a year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
What you just explained to me, ABA is very, very expensive. Uh,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Very expensive. Especially if it's not covered by insurance, which it often isn't. Yeah. Trauma and grief therapy would be 225 bucks an hour, depending on where you are. Right. Very expensive. Right. You have a house that's almost paid off. I guess, I guess. Yeah. Here's what I'm asking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Are you cursing at each other? Are you swearing? I mean, y'all pushing each other? Give me an example of a fight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Could you construct a world, not where you go start a business and you end up underwater, because that might not be your thing. Business owner is very different than incredible world-class welder. And that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Is there a world where you have collapsed your expenses to basically zero and you're going to have an ego hit and you're going to have a, I really don't have to worry about money very often, hit. But dude, I can make a hundred grand as a welder in this local community. I'm the best there is. And that pays our bills. We have no mortgage. We're here in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
We get, we're not going to be rich, but we're going to pay our bills. Is that a feasible thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Okay. So here's the challenge. In some ways, your feelings are, Like, this makes her feel crazy. This makes us both feel crazy. Your feelings have trapped y'all. Right. And you're going to have to choose, because here's the deal. It's the old cliche, but you're going to have to choose your heart. I'm going to choose to drive home every other weekend, 10 months out of the year, to see my boys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I talked to one dad, I'll never forget this. I talked to one dad of a kid with autism who's nonverbal. And I just asked him point blank, like, dude, what's it like to know my son will never be able to say the words, I love you, dad? It was a really heavy conversation. It was so honoring how he answered. He's like, it's the most heartbreaking thing in the whole world, the whole wide world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And I wouldn't wish that on him, that he's frozen, that he can't tell his dad, I love you. And so you're going to have to know, I'm going to go home with that experience. And I've also increasingly over the last five to 10 years heard about how the advancements in video games has entranced a generation of young boys with autism. Yeah. Like it is, it's, I cannot not look at that. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
It's captured them and that's tough. And so I'm going to, I'm going to choose that. I'm going to choose to be frustrated about how we're not investing as much as we would like to. We're only going to have $2 million of retirement instead of 10, or I'm going to be frustrated about, Hey, I feel a little stir crazy in the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
We're going to go camping every other weekend, but we're going to do it as a family. That's going to be okay. Like at some point you're going to choose to be uncomfortable. Yeah. I'm going to choose to say, remember the good old days when I made 200 grand and now I only make 100 grand? The good old days, right? But at some point, y'all are going to have to make a choice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Otherwise, make peace with this is just our life. And you're doing what almost every man I know does, including myself, which is when I feel powerless in my own house, I do the one thing I can do to love my family, and I'm going to go work really hard and make some extra money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Saying, I make good money at my work and I'm missing out on our boys. I'm missing out on you. Or here's our five paths we could take. All of them aren't going to feel good. So, okay, we know they're all not going to feel good. Let's move that off to the side. What's the best thing for us? Hope that helped, man. If your wife wants to call in, great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
If you both want to call in, I'd love to have you both on. That'd be cool. And we can get through some of it. And hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. And I'm going to also send you a link to the audio book so you can listen to it on your drive. And there's... The six daily choices wheel. It's just the wheel for doing life, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And I wonder if you use that as a roadmap for you and your wife to begin. Let's take all the money off table. Let's take all the, let's begin to backfill these six daily choices for a non-anxious life. Let's go through these things and begin to map it out. And then if the same job is still on the table, cool. If the same town is on the table, cool. If living our land is still on table, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
but maybe it's not. And we're going to be okay with that because we're going to ask ourselves, how do we want our life to feel? What do we want our life to look like? And then we're going to reverse engineer from there. Thank you, my brother. It's been an absolute honor to talk to you. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up. I have been loving red light therapy and EMF blocking gear for years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about my new partner, Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights in front of little bitty screens that we carry around with us, medium-sized screens, giant screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with your sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat all of the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And listen up, if your skin looks tired, I want you to check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. Super easy. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless and it can change everything. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. All right, we're back. Hey, um... Something happened last night and I just want to tell you guys about it. And this is just my little, I don't know if this is a new segment called just a thing happened at John's house. And that could probably be a creepy thing or kind of a Kelly's like, Ooh, not that Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Um, I just want to paint this picture for you. Um, I'm back in meeting with this amazing therapist I meet with in Nashville, and it's been extraordinary. And I needed to take some time off, and coming back, it's just been really amazing. And my wife and I, for the last seven years especially, but really especially the last two years or three years, have really been over-the-top intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And by me going to get well, I've allowed my daughter's tiny little third grade body to be safe in my presence. And she's taking guitar lessons and coming home with a new Taylor Swift song every week and whatever. And she's got an amazing teacher at her little third grade. And I'm watching my daughter come back alive. My son is 14.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
He's just like, God, Lee, dude, I hope I'm like him when I grow up. He's just an amazing kid, and he's all 14 and all knucklehead and all silly and all smart and kind. Thoughts on the world are both really amazing and absurd, all that stuff. Last night, I sat by my daughter on the couch under a giant Cozy Girls blanket, and we watched Bluey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I had a handful of jelly beans that I'd grabbed, and I just reached over and put my hand over the top, and she opened her hand. I dropped a few in there, and she ate the jelly beans, and I ate the jelly beans. Then I tried to put one of the jelly beans in her ear, just being silly, and she poked me back and then turned into couch fight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And so, so let me paint this picture. Cause it's, I'm asking these questions on purpose. Cause I'm getting to, I'm, I'm, I'm walking along a path that I don't normally walk with a collar. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am. Okay. I'm not just being nosy. Actually, I'm going somewhere, okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
part 19 and we were dying laughing and my wife was like we gotta go to bed and i was like hold on and then i'd do one more like pillow slam and she would jump on me she'd be like all right good night dad and she'd jump on me then she said good night dad she told all the dogs good night individually and then my son came down and we have this awesome thing we watch metlock a couple times a week like the new metlock it's with gathy bathe it's so great but it's fun and silly and last night it wasn't on and we watched the country music thing like i told y'all earlier
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And then we went to bed and I was reading a book in bed and my wife was fading out and going to sleep. And I got up and walked around to her side of the bed and just leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and said, I love our life. And I'm really happy about our life. It's not always going to be perfect, but I love our life right now in this little moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And she quietly whispered as she fell asleep. I did too. And why do I tell you that story? Not because things are perfect or great in my house. They're for sure not. And it's taken a long time to get here. And we're just one phone call away from everything changing. I know that. But I think a lot of us are running and gunning and doing a lot of work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And the emails you'll send and the messages you send and the people I talk to all over the country. I did an event for Duke University yesterday. I just got off the phone. I'll be in Phoenix in a few weeks. Dave and I are going on tour. I meet you guys all over the country. And... Everybody's working so hard. And I just think it's important to pause every once in a while and say, I like my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Things are okay. They're not perfect, but things are good today. And maybe they're not going to be tomorrow. And yes, there's hurt and pain all over the world right now. I like my life right now. And it's good for us to exhale. It's good for us to point out the places where we got to grow, but sometimes it's good just to drop your shoulders and say, today was a good day. Today was a good one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And I just want to encourage you guys, the work is worth it. You're worth the work. Your kids are worth the work. And that magic night when you can just be walking into your room, you're reading a book, and you're just like, wait a minute. Today's a good day. And not forever, but right now, I like my life. Thank you guys for walking with us. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So I'm painting a picture, or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on, who's getting into the shower, carrying her newborn. He grabs the baby. You're standing half in and half out of the shower. You don't have any clothes on, and he's shoving you, saying, you're going to come talk to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But there's a particular, there's a particular, and the reason the picture of this moment, and I know it's a little bit of a graphic moment. I don't want all of these people who listen to the show trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. That's not the point. The point here is there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So glad that you're here. If you want to be on this show, if you got some stuff going on in your life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you. Pull up a seat, pull up a stool, and we'll have a drink, grab some nachos, and we'll figure out what's the next right move in your life. Go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And a woman who is unclothed, holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a slippery, unsafe situation to shower. And a guy that will use that moment to exert some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid, right? Weaponize their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book. You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
We'll get through that kind of stuff. But I'm trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel, very immature man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Well, it's when he doesn't get what he wants. He instantly becomes a toddler. And if he feels powerful, like you saying, hey, can you help me with this? Or do you have an answer for me? And he's got a utility, then that feeds his ego.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
But the moment he doesn't get what he wants and you're an object for him, the moment that you don't fulfill his fill in the blank, his ego, his sexual need, his whatever. It doesn't matter if you're exhausted. It doesn't matter if you're working a full-time job. And 100% of this childcare of your new baby is on you. And he's been playing video games all day. I don't really care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I don't have sex right now. And one time or two times we were talking about... spontaneousness, especially after you've been pregnant for half your marriage and you've had a baby for the other half. Of course, sex lives get screwed up then, right? And you talk about spontaneous and how do we practice desire, all that fun stuff. He's like, yeah, one day just wake me up, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Let's just do it in the middle of the night. That's all cool and well and good, but then my wife's exhausted. And I'm like, no, you shit. You get what I'm saying? That's using your words, that's using a conversation
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
and there's a difference when in the middle of the night, one of you gets up to go to the bathroom, you lay back down, your feet accidentally touch, then your fingers accidentally touch, and then you kind of feel like, oh, you're more awake than I thought, and then it kind of happens, right? That's a different thing. I think that's kind of what I had in mind. Of course it is. You know why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Because you're a regular, you're a normal person. It wasn't, hey, you have unfettered access to my body, whether I'm sick, I'm exhausted, I've been taking care of our finances and our baby while you've been playing video games all night. Like, of course that's what you meant. And any rational person in the world would know that. Okay. Um, so walk me through the last little minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you can type away, fill in the form, and maybe even chat GPT. We'll write it for you. You can put it in the form and ship it off and then we'll give you a buzz and have you on the show. And yes, I get calls. I mean, I get direct messages. We take calls from all over the planet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Y'all, he wants to have sex. He's trying to wake you up and you say, no, I'm going to bed. He gets pissed. Y'all are screaming, yelling, cussing at each other. He throws a temper tantrum, gets up and leaves the bedroom to go play a video game. And then what happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I know that I shouldn't have done that, but... Yeah, but there's... So here's what... I'll say fine, yeah. You probably shouldn't have done that. And that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form, or fashion. Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho. What he did was a crime. Do you get the difference?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight every once in a while. That happens. And that's why repair, like coming back together after a fight, that's such an important skill for all relationships. We say dumb things. We do something dumb. Like I step outside and I act bratty or whatever the thing is. But we don't commit crimes of violence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in my questions back to you, you're hearing me. I'm trying to be as calm as I can, but I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me. What I'm hearing is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions. He has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
He has one interest and one interest only, and that's him. And clearly he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with. Clearly. But I'm going to look at behavior, not diagnostic here, because I don't have that information. I never talked to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is, you got to show up for your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
So if you're in some other country somewhere, I'm glad that you're in our gang and glad that you're with us and I'd love to have you on. All right, let's go down the road a couple hours to Knoxville, Tennessee and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
You can't hide behind 24-hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you. You cannot shove... An exhausted naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath You can't do that. You can't use your son your baby as a as a as a lure To get another adult to do what you want him to do out of fear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
You're gonna hurt their kid You don't take over some try to like have wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and And demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you you don't shove a woman down even if she's You put your hands on even if even if she pulls off your headset and said if I can't do if you're gonna wake Me up and you can't play video games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
That's silly, but You don't then respond by shoving her up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck letting you know I could kill you right now if I wanted to So reading that back that way, and I know by the way, in 99.9% of these conversations, you're soft pedaling it for me, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I know you are, okay? And I don't blame you and I honor that. I'm not gonna push anymore. I can ask you any more personal questions. But just reading that back, like if you were a close friend of mine, you were my sister, you were a coworker of mine, I'm looking at you and saying, what are you trying to salvage here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense. What's he want, that guy to kill you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
I'm good, lady. What's up, ma'am?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
Well, if you grew up a dad that weaponized Scripture in that way, God knows what kind of stories you've been wrestling with about how your thoughts or feelings or whatever are all your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Was Arrested for Assaulting Me
And it's like, I don't know, I'm stuck between sympathy and... You can be sympathetic to you, but you're not going to take my baby. You can be sympathetic, but you're not going to throw me to the ground and threaten to kill me. I know millions and millions of new dads who have no idea what to do next, and they don't do that, Elizabeth. They're trying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You got some healing to do because you have some scars on your heart. And the woman you want to reconnect with and rebuild with is the one who put them there. I'm sorry, my brother. I'm sorry. Have her call the show. I'd love to talk to her. I have a feeling she's got a story to tell, too. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, yes, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But if you ask me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And the best part about it is if you leave the money marriage retreat without your question answered, we cap it to just 600 couples or so. Um, If you leave without your question answered, that's on you. The whole purpose is getting access. You can listen to the show. You can read blog articles. You can read my books.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What's really important are your values and your potential romantic partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are all bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, ask yourself, how can I learn what I value? Therapy can help you figure out your values, help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and non-negotiables.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So whether you're dating, you're married, or you're building a friendship, or you're just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, I've got to tell you, I love Organifi. I love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But I also get that some folks are skeptical about Organifi and their whole food powders. Are they worth it? Listen, I get it. If any of you are still on the fence about green juice and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try Organifi out, I've got the perfect solution, the Organifi Starter Kit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's like if Organifi released a greatest hits album, but without the obligatory lame live tracks. In the Organifi Starter Kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and feel good from the inside out. You also get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's an early morning and an afternoon pick-me-up without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that keeps you focused and feeling great. But that's not all. You also get a full month's supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation, and supporting heart health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And to make mixing your juices even easier, the starter kit comes with an Organifi shaker bottle. When I started using Organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week, and I think you will too. Right now, you can save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
This kit is the best way to enjoy three Organifi products on the go, whether you're at the office, running errands, or hitting the gym. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off their starter kit and everything else on their site today. All right, let's go literally like five blocks over right down the street in Franklin, Tennessee and talk to Stephanie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Hey, Stephanie, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm so good. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Excellent. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You came? I was there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
This event is about being able to look me in the eye and say, okay, but yeah, what about my situation? And we're going to get your questions answered. Join us November 6th through 8th, 2025. You can go to ramseysolutions.com slash events. Get them quick. It sells out all the time. We've already sold a huge chunk of tickets for next fall. Get on it, get on it, get on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Dude, you have no idea how... That makes my soul feel good. Thank you so much. That's the most nervous I have been. For those of y'all listening, me and my buddy George Campbell, we co-host another radio show together, but we both called each other's bluff. We speak for a living, but we went to a tiny little comedy club here in Nashville and just did a comedy set.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's the most nervous I've been maybe ever, ever. Dude, I can't believe you came. Thank you for coming, Stephanie. That means the world to me. We're going to run it back in March, so I can't wait.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right. Fantastic. All right. So how can I help you? You've made my whole day. So now I owe you one. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Oh, golly, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm telling you. Well, it just seems like there was one big emotion. My God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You already know where I'm going. Brady Bunch action. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right, let's go out to Jackson, Wyoming, one of my favorite places in the world, and talk to Ryan. Hey, Ryan, what's up? Hey, John, how are you? Doing all right, brother. How about you? I've been a lot better. Let me know what's up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Can I just applaud you for that? Oh, thank you. Good God almighty. Listen, if, if everybody's listening to the show for five years, we just, or for four years, we'll just take that away. Like I'm an adult. I don't want to sit here and make up stories for the next seven months. I'm just going to ask you, do you like me? God, Stephanie, dude, the world would change with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But so high five to you. So you just asked him. And of course he was like, Oh yeah. Is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Did you yell out, me too? Oh, me too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Oh, you're like Brady Bunch, hold my beer, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
We got a dozen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay, can I just tell you one thing right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Take a huge deep breath. Exhale. Okay. Okay, listen to these two words and imprint them on your soul, okay? Okay. Slow down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And listen, you thought you were past this when you're not 17 anymore. It all comes back when you start dating again. Just slow down. This is an amazing, awesome, cool moment. And my guess is because you're a great mom and because you're just you,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You went all the way to the end and how are we going to explain our wedding and what's our wedding going to look like and how are we going to put 10 beds in this house, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Yeah, exactly. So this is a rad, cool, scary, exciting turn of events. Let it be that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I bet you are. Yeah. That was awesome. That was a great joke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Awesome. Okay. So I want you to spend some time by yourself defining what go slow means.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Just go slow mean physical. We're going to get together, but I'm not going to kiss you yet. It's too soon. Or is it mean like, Oh yeah. Like you decide what does go slow mean when it comes to, Physical intimacy. What does go slow mean when it comes to being seen in public?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What does go slow mean when it turns to like phone calls, writing, text messages, letter writing, telling the kids, considering like, I want you to define go slow because if you don't, you're going to have this idea of go slow and he's going to have a picture of go slow and your pictures are not going to match.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And so what you're going to do is you're going to feel this weird angst and frustration and annoyance with each other. And really you both want the same thing. You just didn't align your pictures up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Because he might say, yeah, I want to go slow. I want to make out, but I want to go slow when it comes to like, are we going to get married? And you might think, no, I want to go slow. Like you can hold my hand. Like, right. So you end up wanting the same thing sort of, but you end up just flying by each other in the night. And it's just about being clear on that. Okay. So that's number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
The second thing, and this is me being a bubble burster, is that okay? Yes. Just because it's familiar doesn't mean it's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And this might be the safest, most familiar step into a terrifying new world of dating with six kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay. And that doesn't make it wrong. That doesn't make it bad. That doesn't mean y'all can't have a great few months of just hanging out and dating each other. Right. And this is, you're his first safest wandering out into the world as a single dad with four kids. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm sorry that happened, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So just remember, familiar is gonna feel safe, but that doesn't mean it's right long-term because in addition to familiar, you're gonna want novelty and you're gonna want new and you're gonna want adventure. And if you try to bridge houses, y'all are gonna get plenty of that stuff, right? But don't mistake comfort for, or as the old caveman's call line says, don't mistake happiness for blessings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Just because it's happy and it all feels good doesn't mean like, dude, we're not gonna get married. All right, here is... Let me try to say it. I'm trying to think of the right way to say this in a non-clinical nerd way. Oh, man. How old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Have you said that out loud before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Oh, geez, Louise, on a stick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay, so your kids... are going to have all six different thoughts about this. That's not true. They're going to have a thousand different thoughts about this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And anything for, especially a teenager, if you've got kids from 12 to 18, 12 to 25, really.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's very, it's age appropriate. It's developmentally appropriate that they can't hold ideological discomfort without giving it to somebody else to hold their kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
okay what does that mean that means an 18 year old is going to see you potentially six months from now holding hands with another person maybe somebody that they've met peripherally and they're going to feel all kind of weird about it and they're going to have to blame you for that discomfort because they can't hold the tension of oh my dad is really gone or mom and dad the fantasy they're really really not getting back together
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How'd that go?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Or this other guy's like, oh, mom. So just be prepared for if you have an angry 14-year-old, that doesn't mean that y'all are doing anything wrong. That means they're 14 and there's a ton of feelings and they can't hold them. It goes back to that word sturdy that I talk about all the time that I got from Becky Kennedy. Like, we're going to make our decisions and we're going to move forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So what does that mean? There's not a stress-free way of introducing all of this to your kids if it ends up getting there. it's just going to be uncomfortable and weird and discombobulated. And you two are going to have to continue to work on your relationship and work on it and work on it and work on it and work on it. And you're going to have 10 different kids who are blending.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's just going to be chaos and just expect it. So I guess that'd be the last thing is if y'all pursue this right now, y'all feel like teenagers again. And that's a fun, exciting feeling, especially after all the hurt y'all both endured. So I'm going to tell you something crazy. Enjoy it. Enjoy the pitter-patter. Enjoy seeing his text pop up and you getting excited like you're 15 again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Enjoy all of that stuff. It's exciting. It feels alive again, right? And you felt dead in your own skin for a while. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay. Let that aliveness just course through you. Make good grown-up choices, right? But enjoy it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Understand y'all are signing up for the craziest roller coaster at the park.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right. And so just, just know that going into it. And last little thing, keep some space for being sad in ways that you didn't imagine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, so I want to, I want to start the conversation this way and then we'll dig into what happened. Um, You can only save your part of it. And she might not want to save it. And I think sometimes after somebody cheats on us, we think that we, it's all our fault. And so we need to do a bunch of stuff differently. infidelity almost never happens in a vacuum, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And there are little things that will hit you. Like if you hold hands with him this weekend, you'll look down and really quick in a blink, it won't be your husband's hand, your ex-husband's. He'll look down and it will have different, your fingers will look different than his ex-wife's fingers. It's little bitty things that are both exciting and also catch you off guard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And it just has a little, it's like a grief dart that you don't expect. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Cool. All right, so I threw a ton at you. I'm just rattling stuff off here. How's that hitting you? Exciting? Cool? Did I just douse cold water on you? Tell me what you're feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Well, If you just go have a great time with your best friend's husband, which sounded awesome. I hope they clip just that and put that in the teaser. It's going to make this call really well on YouTube. If y'all choose to just go have a blast, that's a weekend well spent. If y'all go laugh, tell old stories, he's like, I knew your husband sucked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And you were like, this is super weird that I'm holding hands with my wife. best friend who passed away. Just put all the weird on the table. There's no reason to hide it. And you are one... God, you're so far ahead of the curve, Stephanie. You're like a hero.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
There's going to be the weird part because you know him and there's going to be the weird part that you know... I don't know how to say this without just being crass. That he partied with your best friend, right? You'll know all that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
There's going to be those safety alarm bells in your body that says, hey, if I let another military man get close to me, he's going to hurt me like the other guy did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But expect those alarm bells to go off and vice versa. He's going to have that GPS pin in his soul that says she may get sick and pass away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Right. So one of my closest, closest buddies and mentors, his his wife lost her first husband with just an out of out of the blue health experience. And I just remember him when they were newlyweds. She was extra attentive. She should be right. And so just expect that weirdness and that awkwardness. And I think what I love about you, Stephanie, is you're so far ahead of the curve.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You just put on the table. Hey, do you like me? Is that why you're Facebooking me? You old man with a bunch of kids. And so you just putting it on the table. I feel weird. Or my ex-husband used to do that right before he would scream and yell and punch a hole through the sheetrock. And I'm just putting it on the table. So maybe that's part of the deal. Y'all agree early on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
We're going to have as much fun as we can. We're going to align our pictures and words about what going slow looks like, what physical intimacy looks like, what being weird looks like. And we're going to put all the awkward on the table all the time. We're just going to make a commitment to that. And then, man, listen, if y'all get married in Franklin, Tennessee, I will go to that wedding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'll go to that one. So thank you so much for the call, Stephanie. You call anytime and swing on down the road one day and we got free coffee and cookies out here in the lobby. And I'd love to just come out there and give you a high five. Blessings to you on this new adventure. I wish you guys the absolute best and make good choices, Stephanie. That was awesome. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I want to tell you about Cozy Earth, makers of incredible sheets, bedding, and bath linens. It's almost time. The sun will come out tomorrow. It's so soon. Spring is almost here. And Cozy Earth has a spring into comfort sale going on right now. It's a great time to buy their bamboo sheet sets and their bath sheets. I love their bed sheets and their towels.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't like to use the word fault, but there's usually a world that's created between two people. Not always, but often. So you can, quote unquote, try to work on your part, but I don't want you to think you're a personal failure if this thing doesn't get held together because you don't want to hold it together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
They're actually more like a bath comforter. Listen, it doesn't matter what they're called. They're just amazing. And I also got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under. It's bye-bye for my anxiety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Cozy Earth is my go-to, and it can be your go-to for building a sanctuary in your home so you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next for you and your family. Remember, Cozy Earth spring into comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off everything. That's 40% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney for 40% off. Go check it out. All right, let's go out to San Diego, California and talk to Kevin. Hey, Kevin, what's up, man? Hi, how are you? I'm doing all right, brother. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Does she have visitation with you? Is the son a kid y'all share together? Yeah, I have, we have one son.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You don't believe him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Hold on. Forget all that for a second. Right this second. Because here's the deal. If your ex, let me say it this way. If your son's mom is going to be dead in three months from state, what kind of cancer is it? Are they telling you? Pancreatic. Yeah. Stage four pancreatic cancer. She's got less than six months.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If she truly has stage four pancreatic cancer and she will not be with us anymore after six months from now. Any, any, man, I'm gonna get myself in trouble here. Almost any self-respecting dad would get in a car and drive across the country and let his young son see mom before she dies. The other side of that is I don't think you believe her. Yeah, I don't. Okay. Yeah, I don't. So just own that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
She deceptive? Yeah. Yes. Okay. Does she struggle with substance abuse?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So what is your son? Is your son asking to see her again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, what's okay to not be okay. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
No, but what you can't tell her is your mom's very, very sick and she, she needed to, she decided to step away or she needed to step away. But I want to see her. She's very, very sick and can't be seen right now. Yeah. That's what we tell a five-year-old. Yeah. Because, by the way, any mom who doesn't want to see her five-year-old son is struggling with something, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right. So what happened? Tell me what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Okay. But listen, I, this is five years ago. I don't, I mean, four years ago. I mean, you had to split, you had to split. I guess, let me, let me say it this way. I don't know. I still don't really fully understand what you're asking, but let me just say this. If you find out, and by the way, I would not take, um, a comment from a cousin, um, Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If she wants to reach out and you have ways of confirming it, or if her attorney or your attorney wants to be notified that she's about to pass away and wants to change the agreement so y'all can go see each other, then don't be the dad that doesn't let his young son have a photo with his dying mother. Okay? And you're going to have to put back the crap she did to you four years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Get over yourself. if this is another move in a long line of deceptive things and dishonest things and shady things, then you need to go do your due diligence and find out if this is actually real, if this is true, et cetera. And I don't know a way to do that without being awkward or asking hard questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
She hasn't even contacted you, dude. Yeah. So let me put it this way. If I was, if I got a six month diagnosis, you're going to be dead in six months, John. and me and my wife didn't live together, the last thing I would do on the planet Earth would be to find a way that I see my kids. Period. I wouldn't call a cousin who called a somebody. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Now, maybe she's not well. She doesn't feel welcome. It feels awkward. Maybe you tell the cousins, you have her reach out to me. If she wants to see her son, she needs to reach out to me. We're talking adult stuff now. Okay. And if she can't talk, she can't see, then you can manage that here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But I'm telling you, you don't want to be on the other side of this thing where I thought she was lying and then she passes away. And your son, you have to have that conversation with him. Yeah, she let me know she was dying and wanted to see you, but I didn't do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I wouldn't, but you can do whatever you want, man. Yeah. Because like, you can ask to see her medical records. You can ask to go to a doctor's visit with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't know any of those newfangled Jen, Jen, why words, whatever you're saying, what, like, what does she do? That was so bad. Uh, she cheated on me with her ex. Okay. And, uh, and that's the reason to keep a little boy from her mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Yeah, yeah. All right, so she's proven unsafe, and she's proven to be a person who will go to the ends of the earth to get what she wants, even if it means lying and cheating and ruining somebody else's life. Yeah. Okay. I have no... If somebody cheats on you, yes, we've got to deal with that relationally. But that's still the mother of your kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What in the world's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. talking to you about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriage and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. And you tried to Google it and you tried to chat GPT it and you just went, what? I just need someone to sit down with me and listen to me. And that's the promise on this show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
If somebody tries to go to the ends of the earth to get primary custody, fine. Unless they use the kid as a bargaining chip, and then... That's when I rarely get mad, but I get mad when couples do that. But I don't get mad that couples are about to get divorced and they both are terrified to not see their kid very much. I get that totally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Now we're getting into different layers where in order to see her kid more, she looks at you and makes up lies about you. They're going to get you in jail, get you fired, get you all those kind of things and make it to where you can't put food on your table. Yeah, then we got a problem. The relationship is over. Between my son and his mom? Correct. It's over. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Like a caretaker relationship, a friend relationship, a loving, interconnected, intimate relationship. It's over. She ended it. Yeah. Okay. She's made choices repeatedly over the years to not have a relationship with her son. Period. End of story. This isn't about her at this moment. This is about when your son's 19 and he's trying to figure out who he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Half of him will be you, a good man who worked from home, probably made less money than he was worth because he was working from home, got him through special needs, got him the resources that he needed, was really an attentive, caring father. Half of him will be that good man. And he'll always know that half of him was this other person. Okay. And that's the world he's going to have to inhabit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
When I'm thinking ahead to that 14 year old, to that 17 year old, to that 25 year old, I'd rather him have a picture with him smiling next to this woman who he does not know who's wearing a bandana because her hair has fallen out from her chemo treatments as she's trying to hang on the last few months of her life. I'd rather that
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
then him look at you from across the table and say, I could have seen her. And you kept me from it because you were too dramatic and saying she did shady things because you couldn't get over her cheating on you five years ago. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Both of these paths are messy. Both of these paths are gnarly. That's what happened when y'all made a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
That's what happened when she cheated on you. The whole thing blew up, right? So there's not a stress-free path forward. Every time somebody gets divorced and there's a kid involved, I always tell them, you're playing a 20-year game now. You're playing a 15-year game now. And so, yes, I would. It's me personal. Now, I don't know her. I don't know her backstory.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't know any of the stuff that she's done to you personally. You do. So you take this with a grain of salt. If somebody had accused me of physical abuse and emotional abuse and tried to call the police and I had to go do it, I probably would not enter their orbit again because I would be terrified for not being able to provide for my kid in case they made some more crazy stories up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But if four and a half or five years ago, somebody did something stupid and they cheated on me with their ex and then yada yada and partridge in a pear tree and it got nasty for a bit, but here we are, calls and says, I'm dying. I'm going to be dead soon. Can I see my son? I would make that happen. And it would be awkward and it would be awful. It is not a rekindling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It is not a reintroduction into our lives. It's not renewing relationships. She burnt it. It's over. But it would be a gift to this young boy as he becomes an adolescent and becomes an adult and tries to figure out, who am I? Now, if this mom is unsafe, then absolutely not. If this mom is unhinged and untethered,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
and she's willing to go to the ends of the earth to burn you alive, then no, I would not put myself in harm's way that way. So you're going to have to make your decision there. You're a good man. You're a good dad. And that little one's lucky to have you. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Halo, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's officially Lent, and Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer, and even meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout Hallow's The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. You'll get to participate in experiencing life change yourself. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right, we are back and it's time for a money and marriage question. This is a live question that somebody asked at the money marriage conference and I thought it was a good question and wanted to bring it to everybody. So here's the question. My husband and I are millionaires. This is a common question I get. Just kidding, I don't get this question almost ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
But I do think it's important, so hang with us. My husband and I are millionaires. We can't seem to agree on a timeline of moving to a different city or a different state. He's more methodical and I'm more spontaneous. How do we move forward? So yes, very, very, very few of you listening to this are millionaires, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Very, very few of you are in this place where we can kind of do whatever we want, whenever we want. And we're fighting on how to do that slow or fast, right? But almost everybody listening here has, they want to get a new car. They want to move schools. One wants their kid to go to a state school and one wants their kid to go to a fancy private school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Trying to figure out, do we just make the two boys share a room or do we go get a whole other house? Or should we take out a HELOC and build a garage apartment, right? And one wants to move fast, one wants to move slow, whatever. By the way, don't take out HELOCs. It's so stupid to leverage your home. for a credit card. Anyway, that's another conversation, different show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
He's more methodical and I'm more spontaneous. Here's what I always want to get when people say, I am this way and you're that way. You're identifying with a way of solving problems that your body feels keeps you safe. Some people feel that they can best solve problems when they go very, very slow and they think it through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How long did the emotional affair begin? Because here's what I'm hearing happened. For a year, she told you, I'm not attracted to you. I don't feel this about you. You're overwhelming me. All you want to do is have sex with me. I just want to lay here and cuddle. I just want to do my own thing. You're bothering me. You're smothering me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And sometimes that thinking it through and going slow becomes a way to procrastinate, to not make the final decision. Others, this is more like me, are like hyper spontaneous. And it's their way of not having to think things through. We're just going to go. We're going to figure it out when we get there. And both of those are ways that we keep ourselves safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And so I want to get to the underlying question. Beneath the I just need some more time. I need some more data or let's just go. Let's just pack up and move What's beneath that? I'm bored here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I need some adventure in my life and I want you to come with me Yes, I know we have a whole bunch of money But I worked really hard and I kind of love this house and I love our little neighborhood church And I love being able to ride my bike to the grocery store, even though i'm 62
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I don't know that I want to move, and I know that we had dreams of moving to the mountains or moving to the beach, but I kind of like our just Midwest town. What if now that we're millionaires, what if now that we paid off our last credit card, what if now that our marriage is in good footing, we decided to get real, real fancy vacations, do fancy vacations a couple times a year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What would life look like if we didn't have to move? Those are deeper than we can't agree on a timeline. I want to get to those questions because then we get into the grief. I don't want to move. And I told you I did, but I don't. Oh my gosh, I hate this town. I wanted to move. I've always wanted to move. I want some adventure. I want some... So then you can start solving the actual problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
All right, if we're not going to move, what would not moving look like? And what would adventure look like? Or... Okay, we are going to move, but I got to stay connected to some of my close friends here. Making friends in your 50s or 40s or 60s is the worst thing on the planet. And I want to stay connected here. So I'm going to put some money in our account.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
So here's for instance, when we moved to Tennessee, my wife and I set up a fund for plane tickets to go visit family because both of us are pretty close to our family. We set up plane tickets, like just a small fund. It's not huge or anything, but a small fund that if somebody's parent passed away, I'm going to go to those funerals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Some of my closest friends in Texas, I'm going to go to those funerals. I'm going to have an account for that. So we just built in travel as a part of, we want to stay connected to those folks, but we both think it's right to move. And so I want to get to the beneath the timeline question and get to the How's your body trying to keep you safe during this period of transition in our lives?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And here's the final question that I want every couple to ask all the time. How do we want the house to feel when we walk in every day? Do I feel like I don't know what town I'm in? I don't know anybody here. I'm nervous. Do I want to feel like I know everybody here and I'm just comfortable? How do you want this house to feel like? And then you can build a timeline, reverse engineering from that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
How do we want this thing to feel? Let's go make that happen. Thanks for the question. There's not a name on here. Oh, yeah. That was part of an anonymous question drop-in. So there you go. I hope that helps. Hope that helps. Always get to the question behind the question. If you're procrastinating, what is not doing the thing? How is that keeping you safe? Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And so this whole year, you've been trying to figure out what you were doing wrong. And what she was telling you is she's uncomfortable in her own skin, in her own house, and she's found it elsewhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
She's found that aliveness that starts with a spark, that starts with a, oh, this one's safe because this guy's married, this guy's my boss, and I don't have to go home and actually look in the mirror and deal with me. And so it's fun to have a conversation. It's fun to be a little extra flirty. It's fun to...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
make little funny notes, you know, cause she has access to his calendar and all that kind of stuff that turns into, Hey, you want to meet for a drink? That sounds like, does that sound familiar?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, Why do you want to see this marriage? Let me ask you, how can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's your next right step. All of us have chaotic lives. Not everybody's got somebody they can just sit down with. And that's what this show is all about. You want to be on the show? Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and check this out. This upcoming fall, my favorite event I'm a part of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Well, I mean, I think happiness is inside your guts right now. Um, you help me find it. Well, I mean, there's, there's, there's so many layers here. Um, You have bought into a story about how she suddenly found you unattractive. You've bought into a story about your marriage is full of love and you're crazy about each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
You've bought into a story that she was just good buddies with somebody who found her attractive and she just kind of goofed up. all those stories are creating this context where you're suffocating and you're, it's tough to hear. Yeah. And I, again, you and I could talk for five hours on this deal, probably for five different weeks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
In many of the situations when I've had a very similar conversation with somebody, when you dig down to the root of it, You're a good man, and she finds safety in you. I'm a really good man. She has absolutely no idea how to practice or create desire and novelty and romance and eros. And so what she does is she doesn't chase joy. She doesn't chase stability. She chases excitement. Okay. Aliveness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And that is a fire that can never, it's all consuming. That's how you end up doing something. And that's like, you know, let's just go read the YouTube headings on this show. That's how you end up in crazy situations when you're always chasing unbounded. And I'll come back to what that means. Unbounded excitement, aliveness. Seeking aliveness is amazing. It's the same as spending money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Spending money can be fun. Money gives you options. It gives you resources. It gives you access to really cool, shiny things. But just unbounded spending creates huge deficits that ultimately end you. Right? And so what it sounds like You are floating in the ocean and she just keeps saying, I got to swim over here because it's all you. It's all because of you. It's all because of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And you're such a good man. You keep going back to the mirror saying, okay, what can I do? What can I do? What can I do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
We just did the Valentine's Day weekend and it was off the hook. It's my favorite event that I'm a part of. It's called the Money and Marriage Getaway. It's a weekend retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee. It's a marriage retreat. Y'all get on the planes, on the buses, on the, on the planes, trains, and automobiles get to Nashville.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And I'm afraid if this marriage ends with what she has told you about you, about how your lack of attractiveness, about your lack of desire, your essence is too much, that part of the reason you want to hang on to this thing so bad is because what she has said about you is so personal. Yeah. And what I'll tell you is she has put you in a very unfair position.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Because if this thing goes south, your identity is in ash. Yeah. Because your wife has said, no, no, no, it's absolutely you. It's the way you look. It's the way you are. It's the way you try to love me. Dude, nobody can come back. Nobody can hold that weight. That's too heavy. You get what I'm saying? So what do I do? I think you got to call somebody today. And here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I'm going to hook you up with three months with BetterHelp right now so you can at least talk to somebody today. Okay. And I think you need to see somebody in person in your local area, but I'll get you hooked up today. Okay. And if you haven't wept, let me put it this way. The marriage you had is officially 1000% over. Okay. It's over. There was too much line enough to know that. Okay, good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
The question is, do you and her want to sit down and make it work? Now, here's what love sounds like. Love looks like your partner gains 20 pounds or 50 pounds, and I still love you deeply, and I'm still attracted to you as a person, and I love you enough to say, I'm worried about your health. Or, hey, don't wear those jeans anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Or as my wife told me the other night, I look like a backstreet boy because my jeans were real tight, and I tried to blame the jeans. It was not the jeans' fault. It was me. It was me, right? Or love looks like, dude, people get zits, people get bad haircuts, and people get skin cancer and have to have big chunks of their nose taken. Love looks like those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And attractiveness for sure matters. Anyone who says it doesn't is lying. But this idea that somebody is going to... I hope you hear what... Those feelings you have are right. She has blamed your entire essence on the falling out part of this marriage. And I want you to let that go. She made choices, man. You're a good man. Is that right? I'm a great man. Okay. I want you to exhale in that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
I want you to go to the mirror when we get off the phone in your bathroom. I want you to close the door. I want you to put your fist in your chest. I want you to look yourself in the eyes and say the words, I love this man. Okay. I don't want you to feel it. I don't want you to drop your shoulders. I want you to say, I love this man. Now, do you have crap you need to work on? Of course. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
It's a weekend with me and my buddy, Rachel Cruz, and a couple of special guests that we bring in because Nashville is kind of a rad city for that. And listen, three days of laughter, hard conversations, often some tears, intentional time together, lots of practical teaching.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
What is it she finds unattractive about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Um, I, she doesn't respect my confidence. She doesn't respect me. That's it. And I don't mean that in the like traditional matcha. That's what I mean. We got to start there because you can't stay married. You can't stay connected and love someone who just thinks you're a loser. And maybe the word she's using, I'm unattracted to you. Maybe that's the essence she's talking about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
And let's get to the bottom of that. But you're a good man. Do you have things to work on? Sure. Can you get less messy? Yes, of course. She's Louise. Does it suck getting laid off, quitting a job, and then finding yourself? Yes, it does. Does that make it hard on a household? Yes, it does. Sean, I need to sit down and decide if we're going to stay together right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Go to Walgreens today and get a 79 cent pack of note cards. And write out your schedule for today. And do that. Wake up tomorrow morning and write out your schedule for that day and do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Write one act of service, whether that's writing a note to somebody, whether that's calling your mom, whether that's finding a friend and buying them a coffee, whether that is paying for somebody's food in a drive-thru. Your eyes are so firmly planted in your belly button that you just stay in a loop. You're just in a spiral and you got to do things to get your eyes up. So let's start there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Tell them the truth to ourself. I want you to take a pause on this, trying to get this relationship back. It may be long gone, brother. Maybe not, but probably. It can't be a reason for getting up every day, trying to prove yourself. And there's going to be a part of this healing that is you getting with other men and telling the truth. Here's what happened to me when I was a little kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Here is what I wanted to do today. Here's the lies that I told. Here's the ways I got screwed by the military, but here's the way also I kind of fudged things too. Get the truth out of your body and into the world and exhale. Let people fully see you. And what you're going to find is most people most of the time are like, man, yeah, me too. And there's such freedom in that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You can't even imagine what it's like to sleep without any secrets. But all that starts with you trusting yourself to do the next right thing. Hang on the line, man. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. That'll be my gift to you, man. I want you to follow it to the letter. Follow the path to the letter. I'll go get you some note cards and start there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that our bodies had no idea even existed up until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
All right, so I've done some soul-searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the Internet. Just kidding. It's the worst. I mean, it is amazing, but it's also the worst. And it doesn't matter if I don't like it because everything in my life and your life takes place on the Internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Our work, our personal messages, our communications, we buy most of our things on the Internet now. It's where we're at. We live. And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
It's become normal to create all sorts of different accounts for banking and shopping and social media. It's become normal to even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup with our phones. Listen. Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm so thrilled to use and recommend Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
With all of our online activity, who even knows where our data is and who has access to it? chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete.me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker websites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where. So while we really can't avoid the internets, we can try to make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today and get 20% off. That's joindeleteme.com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Linda. Hey, Linda, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I'm doing great. How about yourself?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Okay. So y'all had a big party, but you're not legally married, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And so... Yes, I am not a family law expert, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You're good, man. You're good. We're in no rush. So do this, do this. We're going to, let's go in reverse order. Yep. Tell me what happened or I'll be more direct. Tell me what you did and then let's work back to how we got there. Not the other way around. Okay. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I did grow up and spend my life in Texas. I have had friends and colleagues, and I've sat with them and walked through them through clean divorces and messy divorces in that state. And I am all about... not inviting the government into any part of my life where I can avoid it. And I got a marriage license before I did anything else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Please, for all that is holy, don't buy a house with this guy. Please don't. Like, for real, please don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
So you've been together since you were 18? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
So I am heartbroken that nobody in your life has told you what I'm going to tell you, okay? I hate that I'm the first guy to do this. It's not like this is fun, okay? But this is me talking to my fellow Texan friend. And if you've listened to this show for any time, you've heard me say this line over and over, but behavior is a language.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And so what this guy has told you for more than a decade is he has zero, absolutely no interest in being your husband, period. He has no interest, zero interest in building a life with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
What happened happened. And if the way you're recounting the story is 100% accurate, you got unapologetically screwed. What's up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. You're hanging out with us, spending your most precious resource, your time with us. This show talks to hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
He is a child. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He's a kid with a bib on screaming for more Froot Loops. And he probably had a mom that gave them to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And so what he's used to is getting what he wants when he wants. And you've given it to him. You gave him a kid. You give him a place to live. You've given him everything. What you have to do is be honest about what is best for you, what is best for your child, and this is far from it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Period. Please, please don't buy a house with him. Please don't. Your instincts are absolutely correct.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And he does like the meals you provide. And if you do his laundry too, he likes that also. But he has no responsibilities. He still has his mommy's address on his license. He's 33 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Right? The rules of the world have not applied to him because he's had two women make sure that they didn't. And so you have to metabolize. Not, I want these things, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose them. You have to metabolize this truth. He is long gone. He's never been with you in the first place. Sure, he threw a party with you. Y'all had a playhouse honeymoon. That was cool, probably.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Oh, yeah. There you go. Does he have a great job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Did he swoop in with his savings and take care of the mother of his child?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Yeah. When you had big expenses pop in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
No. Why in the world would you marry a guy like this? He's unmarriable. He doesn't care about anything other than himself. You're the mother of his kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You had to leave on unpaid leave for medical challenges or personal crisis. And he's got this big fat savings account. He's like, that's mine. What are you doing, Linda?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And I know that hits like a sack of bricks. I know that. He doesn't want to be with you and he doesn't want to build a life with you. He just wants to sit at his high chair and have somebody bring him more Froot Loops.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
That's right. And here's your path. And it's not a pleasant one, okay? It's not fun. Path A is you can stay where you're at and you're showing your young son or daughter this is what love looks like, this is what romance looks like, this is how adults care for one another, what that looks like. Or you can get your own apartment and you can tell him he's out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
He can go back and live with his mommy like his license says. And you can begin to build boundaries that you need because you haven't slept a full night in a long time. You haven't exercised in God knows how long. You haven't been taken out on a date in God knows how long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You've been gaslit for the last decade.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I know. It's painful. Cause you've been thinking the last 10 years, there's just one more thing you needed to do. And then finally you would be worth being loved and you've been worth being loved this whole time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I got that. And that's evil. Hold on, hold on. It's evil and that's wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
It's evil and it's wrong. And I'm saying this with you, not at you, okay? And now you're a 33-year-old mother and you are responsible for what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I mean, I can't judge that. I can't judge that. I mean, I don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You and your guts know. You and your guts know. You've not trusted yourself for so, so long. So long, right? Like, forever. Forever. I want you to stay on the line. I'm going to hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp. And I want you to meet with one of the licensed therapists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And you can meet on your schedule because I know you're working like crazy trying to provide for both your real child and your man child. And I want you to start meeting with a therapist. And I want you to tell the therapist, I need to start creating some boundaries in my personal life for my physical and emotional health. I got some trauma I'm still unpacking from my childhood.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
The easiest thing you can do is just to keep going back to the well and going back to the well and continuing to be this person's mother. The harder thing will be to look yourself in the mirror and believe that you're worth something way, way more than this. You have more power in this situation than you could ever imagine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You're just going to need to get a professional and a couple of close friends to walk with you. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. It's the new year, my favorite time of year, when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping the things that aren't helpful in our lives, and overall, building a better life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
We all know that most new go-get-em goals are a total waste of your time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals, and let's create better systems. And let's start by curating a system and goals that are good for our hearts and our souls. Let's start by focusing on our spiritual lives this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day and I love it. Halo offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, ask hard, hard questions and find some answers and find peace. Hallow has amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. Go right now. All right, let's go out to Napa, California and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I'm doing all right. What's going on in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You're not a lost cause, Stephanie. Give me a big exhale. I can feel how tense you are. Exhale big.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Take a sip of tea. Take a big swig of tea. Is that hard to say all that out loud to somebody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Yeah, this is super normal. And you may have heard me use this language before, but y'all have gotten yourselves in quite the dance, and it's hard to get out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Well, it's not even habits. It's two people seeking to connect with one another. But you just get in this chase. It's a game of chase. And it's hard to stop. And, yeah, it's very common for somebody who has spent their life being a contractor to recognize my body doesn't do what it used to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I can't get up and run 20 hours like I used to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
So I have to stop. And there is none. Zero. There is no cultural path. There's no moment of education for 60-year-old men to say, and now what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And there's something devastating about thinking, oh, I just sit on the porch until I die. And that story will make you pretty damn grumpy. Right. That's not an excuse. It's just a context, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And so you got a guy who stopped doing a thing. And y'all may have had some moments when the light shines through in California and through the breakfast window when y'all are having coffee together over the past 10 years, and y'all talked about what it would be like when you retired.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And those moments lit you up and those moments terrified him to death.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Because often for men, the whole world has told them they are absolutely useless beyond what they quote unquote provide. And most men have zero understanding, sight, training, a picture of what provision means other than money in a checking account, period. Maybe guys get guns and watch John Wick movies or they exercise a lot and they think they can provide security to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
But for most men, they've been told you're the problem with everything on the planet. Shut your mouth and go to work. And they do. And they die early. And most men don't understand that many of their wives just want them. I just want you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
That's it. That's it. And he probably wonders every minute of every day why his wife doesn't like him so much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
That's what I'm saying. Then it makes him grumpy. And then he snaps at you. And you wonder, why don't you like me? Well, fine, screw you. You can't even sleep in my bed anymore. And then he wonders, good God, why doesn't she like me? And then he snaps at you. And then you go, oh, my gosh, you can't even be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And it just turns into this dance that's really hard to get out of. And it's frustrating and it's hard. And you know what makes it feel better? Alcohol.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
It doesn't make it feel better. Actually, that's not true. It makes it feel a little less painful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
How small that would make you feel? And then they ask you to do the one thing, the one thing that in his line of work for 50 years would get his head block knocked off, and that is talk about your feelings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I know, but have you given him a safe space for him to do that at home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
That's amazing that you've done that. But I want us to look at that as a skills issue, not a character issue. Because if he didn't know how to shoot free throws on a basketball court, you wouldn't kick him out. My guess is he doesn't know how. Maybe he doesn't want to. Shoot, maybe. Maybe he likes torturing you. You know him better than I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And if that's the case, he's a jerk and a scumbag, and your marriage probably isn't going to make it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Do you know how embarrassing it is? I'm telling you this as a guy in my 40s. You know how embarrassing it is that I had to go talk to a professional so that I could learn new skills to talk and interact with my wife? It's embarrassing. That's why I've dedicated my entire life to sitting down with people and saying, don't be embarrassed about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Okay. So there's like, here's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to build towards, um, cause you're, you're a ball of energy, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You know how humiliating it is to be 70 and still wonder why I'm so unlikable? And I got to go talk to some 32-year-old fresh out of grad school? It's shame. It's shame.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Yeah, it's pretty tough. It's pretty... I would say that's not fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Yeah, there's, I won't go into the nerd stuff. There's, there's a psychological tenant, if you will, that we often judge ourselves by our intent and we judge other people by their actions. I snap because here's why. And I have a whole context for why I snapped at somebody. But if somebody snaps at me, it's because they're a jerk. They're a bad person. They're a scumbag. They're dumb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And so instead of judging, if I could give you one gift, it would be to toggle the judgment from judgment to curiosity. Instead of saying, man, your wife has been through so much trauma and you've seen the counseling and the this and you see who I've become. I wonder what's going on inside of this man who has dedicated his life to taking care of his family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
He's been a grump the whole time and he smokes too much and he snores like a freight train.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Okay. But I wonder why that connection's never been made. Instead of, are you freaking kidding me? You've seen what I've done. One of those is get away from me. One of those is an invitation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Sure, yeah. But I mean, inside that energy is a whole bunch of swirling stories. And so, yeah, it's important. What I'm trying to get at is how much ownership are you taking? How much is everything somebody else's fault? How much is it like just kind of was what it was? How much is it? You see what I'm saying? So that's what I'm getting at. Okay, so you got fired and you didn't tell anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I know you are. I know you're exhausted. And I also know he's exhausted. I remember the look in my wife's eyes when we were sitting across the table from each other asking ourselves, is our marriage over?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I remember putting my hands on the table and I said, will you just say the words I'm proud of you because all of this has been for you. She looked at me kind of hurt and she said, every action I do shows you that I'm proud of you. I said, you've never said it. She said, I didn't know I need to say it. I wish you told me that 20 years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Will you try something for me? You've tried the distancing and you've tried the kicking them out of the room and you've tried the ultimatums. And y'all are going to see a professional, which I applaud. This isn't Hollywood and it's not sexy, but it'll work. I'd love for you to write down on a piece of paper. And I want you to sit down and look at him across the table and say, I know you love me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And I've never given you an explicit roadmap to my heart. I'm sorry. And maybe you're thinking, I have a million times. He knows that I like flowers. Let's just try. And hand him a piece of paper that says, not here's all the things you can't do in this house. Here's the ways that I feel loved. And maybe you can be silly and at the bottom say, will you love me? Yes, no, or maybe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And put little check boxes. And then tell him, it would be amazing if you gave me a roadmap to your heart. Because we're in the fourth quarter of our lives. We're in the fourth quarter of our marriage. And we get to decide what happens next. We get to choose it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
If he doesn't understand this is a roadmap to my heart, he'll think he's got another chore to do. If he knows, I don't understand this. It's the same as I've told on the show a million times. I did not understand what chit-chat meant to my wife. It felt unproductive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
It felt like I could be doing other things like paying bills, like fixing something at the house, like doing something in the yard, like doing something. She just wanted me to sit there while she made dinner and talk about the day. Listen, sometimes not say anything, just be there. But it took her saying that 30 minutes of no phone, no screen, no action, just us means the world to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And then I had a choice. I could go, I ain't doing that. We got every minute counts. Or I could say, cool. She went out on a limb and said, this is how I feel loved as her husband. I'm going to provide that. Game on. And then occasionally I say, I love chit-chatting with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
But y'all, I've gotten in this weird dance, and what I want to tell you is that dancing isn't, someone's got to, I say this all the time, someone's got to turn the music off and turn the lights on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Okay, then say, I don't want to do that anymore, and I will take the consequences. Or, choose to go one more time and say, this is what love looks like, I want one of these maps for you. How can I love you? What are three things that scare you about the next 10 years? What are three things that excite you about the next 10 years? You can't retire and do nothing. What do you want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Yeah, I got that. But I mean, sometimes we get fired and you're a strength and conditioning coach. You made it to the big leagues, right? And... Then you get fired. If that's been something you've been working for forever and maybe you went on a flex tour or everybody's excited for you, everybody was telling their friends that they know a guy who works for so-and-so, like that's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Have you ever said, I want to go fishing with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Okay. So I think here's the deal. At some point, somebody has to say, I don't want to have to go first again, but here we are. Or I'm not going first anymore and I'm willing to lose my marriage. I'm willing to lose everything over it because I'm not going first again. And I don't like the way you've gotten grumpier and grumpier and grumpier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
As we finally got this thing we've been talking about for 10 years. And I can judge you for the grumpiness or I can get curious. What in the world? We finally got it. We're free. We got enough money. We got enough everything. Be curious about it. Curiosity is an invitation. Judgment is a declaration of exclusion. Get out of here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
But it's one of those things like, yeah, you've done a ton, a ton of work, and it's easy to look around and be pissed off that everyone else isn't doing that work. What I'll tell you is that doesn't get them closer to the work. It makes them feel more ashamed. It makes them feel more frustrated. It makes them feel more annoyed, and they get further and further away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
So maybe after he gets off the phone from the intake, unable to work the computers that even the intake requires... bringing him a cup of decaf coffee at night at night, and putting your hand on his arm and saying, hey, that was hard. I remember all the way back to the first time I did a counseling appointment. That's hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I'm proud of you for making that call, and I want you to know that I feel loved.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
No, no, no, no. I'm going to hold your face and look you in the eye. I want you to know that I'm proud of you. And that made me feel loved. This is step one to a pretty amazing fourth quarter in our lives. I get to pick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Or I can roll my eyes and be like, I can't believe you're so mad about that. Especially in older men, shame often comes out as anger. I don't know how. I don't know how to build a building. I don't know how to landscape a property. I've been a contractor my whole life. I don't even know how to talk to my wife. It's a skills issue. I think your marriage has all the upside in the world. I really do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I think it's both of y'all who are tired wondering why each other doesn't like each other. It gets both of y'all sitting ego down and saying, here's the path to my heart. I need a path to yours, and I'm going to commit to do it. Will you commit too? If both of y'all can do that and learn some new skills in therapy, man, you're going to have an awesome fourth quarter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And then all of a sudden you feel like you let everybody down. That's one thing. The other thing is when I got fired for cause, I did something in violation. I blew a big shot. And it's kind of a pattern that I've had my whole life. And everyone's going to go, yep. And so I didn't tell him because of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You get to choose what happens next. Both paths are going to be hard. Just choose your heart. We'll be right back. All right, listen, folks, you can't just think your way to being emotionally or mentally well, and you can't just think your way to having good relationships. We all have to also focus on our physical health, and that means regular exercise, weight training, and movement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. And with so much noise out there, it can be hard to know even how to get started. So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program or if you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready just to shake things up, you've got to check out TrainWell. TrainWell is an app and personal trainer all in one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I use it, my wife, my coworkers and their spouses, everybody's using TrainWell all the time and the results have been off the charts. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis. And like I said, the results have been amazing. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with your expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your physical health and start exercising, I want you to get online, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And they've extended their special offer for my audience just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net. That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Hey, don't forget to check out the Ramsey Network app.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
It's the network that hosts this show, and you can get this show a week earlier. You can get it a week earlier. And don't forget to hit subscribe, leave five-star reviews. It makes all the difference in the world. Here's something I want all of you to try based on that last call. I want you to write 10 things. that you would love for your spouse or partner to do? 10 things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Here's a roadmap to my chest, to my heart. And then ask them, will you give me yours? And I'm just going to have, I'll have like a, it's like a key, a roadmap, a path. Sometimes we get in the habit of trying to love people the way we want to be loved and we expect them to see it and know it in his heart. Ask her a roadmap and give one. Just see what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
And then not telling him turned into stretching the truth, turns into everybody thinks I still work there, and now I'm coming up with reasons why I'm not on the sidelines or I'm not in practice or whatever. And so either way, you have an identity issue, right? So what's the other big lie?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Maybe the world has dropped a few cinder blocks in their backpack. Or maybe they've blown their lives up. Or maybe they're standing on the edge of a challenging decision. They don't know which way to go. Or their kids are struggling. Whatever you got going on in your life, this show is real people going through real challenges. And I'd love to have you on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
No, no, no, forget all that. Forget all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Forget all that. A lot of guys get into strength and conditioning because that was their path to be seen. And there's part of a hustle and a grind and a discipline, which are all three really important things. But it becomes an identity, and sometimes that identity is used to wallpaper over other hurts. You don't like people to see you. Why not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You've got this girlfriend of a year. Okay. How old are you, man? I'm 35. Okay. So you got this girlfriend of a year. And I don't want to minimize it. But you've got a girlfriend of a year. And you're right, you blew it. You lied to her about a big thing, but then almost worse, you lied to her about a little thing. And I get her stepping back and being like, oh, that's who this dude is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Not he got fired from a big opportunity and it was a huge thing and he was ashamed and I'll walk with him through that. I get that. Then it was something little and dumb. Like, it was so clearly, I can just make one phone call and find out. Yeah. And he rode that to the bottom of the ocean. Like, oh, that's just who this dude is. So I get that. But who have you failed and let down for so long?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And you're going to fill out the form, and it will shoot it over to Kelly and to Taylor, and they'll give you a buzz, man, see if we can have you on the show. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia, and talk to Emmanuel. What's up, Emmanuel? How we doing, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
That, because here's the thing, when you lie like that, there's this belief that everyone around me is stupider than me. I can get away with this. I know more than. And that comes from somewhere. Give me another example of someone you let down and failed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
You were part of a team that was investigating military sexual assault. And as you brought people to justice, they threw you under the bus as the bad guy. And they blamed you for, like, inappropriate investigation tactics and things. And then you ended up somehow having to clear your name. Is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Pretty, pretty dang close. Yeah. So I was, I was the fall guy. Okay. As a group of military folks tried to save their own reputation saying we don't have a sexual assault problem here. That's exactly right. Okay. And by the time, by the time you're cleared, um, your name's mud and it's, we're moving on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
I'm doing all right, brother. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
Sure. So it seems, and you and I could probably go back even further, there's a pattern of clouds and shadows following you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
But it's because it's one of two things. And we won't get to the bottom of it here, but I want to just leave you with it. It's one of two things. You know that deep down in your guts...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
there is a shadow part of you and you're real smart and you're real fast on your feet and you can talk your way and talk your way and you'll play the long game and you'll ride a story to the bottom of the pacific ocean until either people give up or they just cross their eyes or they go whatever it's fine or somebody's not able to prove something it's either that or Or you just got knocked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Let this be the season that you stop carrying these secrets everywhere because your household can feel them. Your household can feel the tension. And we try to scroll it away or numb it away or click on Amazon away or buy something or pornography it away. We try to drink it away. We're trying to get rid of this tension. I'm telling you, a secret-free house is peaceful. Thanks for the call, Kerry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right, we are back, and we've got a husband and a wife both calling in here together. Let's see if we can get this squared up. All right, I'm going to pick up the phone. This is Henry. What's up, Henry?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Good, man. All right, hang on for a second. I'm going to bring on Anna. Anna, are you there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
What's up, Lady Bird? All right, we got Henry and Anna from Indianapolis. How are you guys?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
We're just figuring it out, man. All right, so what's going on? Whoever wants to go first, go first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, because I'm thinking of... You're applying now, Henry? Have you already taken the MCAT and everything?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So what's the chance y'all don't get matched together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. And that would mean two, three, four years, depending on each one of your specialties, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
tried everything i could to not be matched out of state of course and then he's behind um but yeah it's complicated yeah i know i get that's a that's a messy messy process especially these days because it's kind of all over the place right now um can i ask a hard question of you anna yeah and then i'll ask it of you henry It's very common.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
It's a conversation I used to have with a lot of my end of 1L law students and that I've had with countless end of first year med students. Do you want to be a doctor? Do you want to do this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Tell me more about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
How are they intertwined? Do you feel like your faith is suggesting... that your faith tells you you need to have kids now, like that your most important role will be a mom, like a family, like, like walk me, I don't understand the connection between where you go to church and this call to have kids, but also to be a doctor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So how are you navigating that, that call, if you will, or that feeling?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. I'm going to say something that's going to get me in trouble on the internets and I don't really mind anymore. Is that okay? Yeah. I want you to put aside any sort of cosmic messaging you think you may be getting or not getting. Okay. I want you to put on just a few blinders here. Okay. Just you and me and a couple million people listening. That's it. Okay. Okay. Can you drop your shoulders?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Cause I can feel you getting tense. Drop your shoulders down. What does Anna want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Who will be disappointed in you, Anna, if you decided to let your friends and family know that you're suspending med school for one year and potentially indefinitely? Who would be disappointed in you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I disagree with that. Name them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So we'll get to the honesty and integrity part. I appreciate you bringing this up. And by the way, I don't want to let you off the hook, right? You can't lie about this stuff and it's big and it causes a lot of drama. I actually call it financial infidelity because it is a form of cheating, right? But...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. Do they get a vote?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
How long have you been married to this Henry guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Oh, gosh. Y'all are just figuring this thing out. That's awesome. Y'all are just getting going. Okay. Henry, you're hearing all this. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, I tend to, like, of course, my own theology plays into this, but I tend to think it matters less. I guess I'll say it this way. And for those of you who aren't a part of some Christian subculture, just hang on for a second. But I feel like this idea of call or quote unquote, what I'm supposed to do, has been billed to this generation of person who's probably 25 to 45 right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And it's as though God hit it somewhere. He hit it. And your whole job, it's like a scavenger hunt trying to find out your call. What is it? What is it supposed to be? I've been asking, I've been praying, I've been doing this, I've been getting all the right information. I've been listening to podcasts, reading books. What am I supposed to, what? And I think that
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
What's most important is wherever you go, whatever you do, wherever you end up, if you are a person of Christian faith, you're a person of any faith, it matters who you are on the way it is to wherever you're going. And if the God of the cosmos calls you to a thing, you'll know. You get what I'm saying? And it usually will cost you everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And so what I'm hearing more and more, and I heard this a lot when I was working at university, but I'm hearing more and more people saying things like, well, I just feel called to quit this job. Instead of just having the courage to say, I don't want to work there anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Or dude, I spent my whole life, everyone's been telling me since I was in middle school that I'm so smart and I'm going to be a doctor. I'm going to be the doctor in the family. I'm going to be the doctor. And I did year one and I hated it. This is not for me. And you feel like the weight of your community or your house or your neighborhood or whatever is on your back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
There are millions and millions and millions of people across this country in the exact same boat as you, so I appreciate you having the courage to call in because I think you're going to free a whole bunch of people from this burden of the secret, right? Because you're laying in bed next to this guy that you love, and he doesn't know, right? He just doesn't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And suddenly you start living a life for everybody else. Surely they gave that to you and they talked to you about that in like welcome week. The number of students who go to either law school or med school because their parents said that's where you're going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And Anna, when I asked you what you wanted to do, you didn't mention anything about med school or medicine or doctors or dedicating the better part of a decade to the study of. You mentioned, I want to be a mom of four to six kids. I want to be a great wife. I want to have a stimulating, I don't want to just live in a bubble, but that's the first thing that came out, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And that's why I asked you, what do you want to do? And Henry, I'll tell you this. I'm also going to flip it. I've known a whole host of amazing, brilliant young women who married some guy who was like, no, no, no, you're going to go home and you're not going to, right? It kind of took over. And so I want to challenge you that you are walking with your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You are not, you haven't become her overlord. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Really trying to work through it all. That's amazing. So I guess, Anna, what I would tell you is I can't, I would recommend against a couple looking out to the future and saying, hey, we're potentially going to live in different states for four to six years. I would recommend holding off to having kids. Is it doable? Of course.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But both of you in residency, both of you finishing up your exams, your boards, working 107 – I don't know what they've – I know they've kind of capped the number of hours you work a week, but residency is chaos, right? The stories are true, right? The stories are true. Yeah. even though some of the older, old school doctors think everyone's like, oh, it's weaklings now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But like, because you actually get to sleep every once in a while. But like, yeah, if you're going to be in different states and you're all going to be spread out all over the place, because really when you start the matching process, you submit your life to whatever hospital will take you and whatever rotation will take you and whatever specialty will take you. Yeah, I would say hold off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But on the other side of that, I want to tell you, Anna, you only get one shot at life. One. And you said to Henry, I do. You and me, we are ride or die. It's you and me versus the world. And when you did that, your mom and dad don't get a vote anymore. Yeah. And I know that's hard and that's scary. You're brothers and sisters. If they're going to not be for you, then cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But I'm going to go do the next right thing for me and my family because what I really want to do is go have a whole bunch of kids. And by the way, you can have kid number one, Anna, and four months in, want to set yourself on fire and be like, I'm wrong. I don't like this, right? Yeah. You can do that too. and you're brilliant, and you're smart, and fill in the blank, fill in the blank.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But I want to start with a different question first. Why in the world has he either allowed it or intentionally dumped the entire house's finances on you? Why are you doing this alone?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You can always loop back to med school, and you can always loop back to nurse practitioner school. You can always, always, always.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Maybe. But what if you graduate from med school? And you get into practice one and you're working at a managed care hospital and you're down to 12 minutes a patient and you're running through 48 patients a day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And all you wish and all you dream of is sitting at home and having a mess full of craziness and loudness and screaming and yelling and breastfeeding and not sleeping, but it would feel full, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
It would feel full. So I think trying to manage a future regret, that's a fool's errand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I know, I know. It's a way that you and I could get into it, Anna. It's a control thing, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Well, not always, but generally, the students I've talked to over the years in your exact spot who feel like if I live the life I feel like I want to live or I am, quote unquote, called the whatever word you want to use, that I'm going to disappoint people, usually that's a life that from a very young age, you knew it was very important that you performed well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And if you know that your life is about performing well for others so that they're propped up, that is a life that from a young age, you begin to manage every variable possible as far into the future as possible. And now you're 24 and you married a guy and you want to go build a life together. And this management of future variable is beginning to get heavier and heavier and heavier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And, like, dude, 10 years ago, this job didn't exist. It wasn't a thing. You know what I mean? Like, 15 years ago, there was no such thing as YouTube or podcast or whatever. It didn't exist. And that pays all my bills. And so who knows? Who knows? And who knows what AI is going to do to medicine, to the practice of medicine? Who knows? That's fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So, Henry, if she came home tomorrow and said, I'm going to finish up year two and see if there's an exit ramp towards a nursing certification or if I could take the nurse prac board. I don't know how this works for you guys. I don't know what the off ramps are for medical school. But would you cheer? Would you be heartbroken? What would go through your heart and mind, Henry?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So if you guys can learn this four months into your marriage, you're going to have an amazing trajectory. And here's what it is. Both things will be true. I asked my wife to come speak with me at an event recently. They asked if she would come join me on stage for a session.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And after some things that the way she was treated on the internet, people found her contact information through my show and just destroyed her in a caustic way. She said, no, I'm not going on stage with you. And I totally supported her. And I understood. And I was kind of bummed out because I like her. She's my favorite person on the planet. And she brings a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And so we had that conversation about I get to be disappointed and 100% in support of what her decision is. Does that make sense? Yeah. And so, Anna, if you can – in conversation with your husband, because now y'all are both right or die, right? Each decision you make affects the other person. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
If you can make the best right decision, the next right decision for you, he gets to be upset, disappointed, frustrated, bummed, any words, and that doesn't mean it's the wrong decision. And he can be like, oh man, this is going to really change everything. And I'm in full support of you. If y'all can hold space for that tension of both and, oh my gosh, you're off to the races.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Because when you have kid number three en route to kid number six, your house is going to feel chaotic and bonkers. And it can be exactly what you wanted. And you can be miserable for a season because you're tired too. Both of those can be true, right? Yeah. Correct.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And so when your husband gets matched out of state and you're pregnant with baby number four, and you're like, oh boy, that can be both exciting and awesome and terrifying all at the same time. All that's going to be true. The question will be, can we, you and can y'all two come back to the table and see each other and say, all right, what's the next right move for us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So Anna, I'm not, Henry, I'm not going to let y'all off the hook. I'm not going to, I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you I've met with students who did not want to be lawyers and did not want to be medical practitioners who graduate. And the daunting thought of I'm going to be doing this thing for the next 30 or 40 years of my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I'm going to still be living my mom and my dad's and my whoever's life 30 years from now. That is a recipe for misery. I've also met a couple of students who bailed and were like, I should have stuck it out. So I can't give you that. I can't give you the, here's the recipe. I want to give you permission. If you don't want to be in medicine, don't be a medicine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
If you are scared of disappointing your family with some decision you make, that's right for you too. That's going to be the rest of your life. You might as well get that out of the way now. And I want to encourage you. If you're people of faith, if you're Christians, pray often, pray together, pray regularly, seek wise counsel. And let that inform who you are going to be wherever it is you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Don't let that be something that holds you up and paralyzes you because I don't think that's the spirit of the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah. And Anna, just because it's hard or scary, if you choose to stay, awesome. If you choose to leave, awesome. Just because it's scary or makes you cry or makes you sad doesn't mean it's the wrong decision.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. Cool? Cool. I wouldn't trade places with either of you for any amount of money right now because I know it's scary. And also follow your guts. Will do. Cool. All right. Well, you do me a favor. Write back and let me know what you all decide because now I'm kind of invested in this thing as like living vicariously through you. I'm super invested.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So let us know what you decide, and either send us that graduation photo, Anna, or send us the first photo of baby number one en route to baby number six. That's a lot of little Henry and Annas running around. I can't wait. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Greenville, South Carolina, and talk to Alex. Hey, Alex, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
How much of it is him and how much of it is you are desperately trying to prove your worth inside your own home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
My husband... And I'm in charge of the bills. Why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You want to know the history?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Your bills are something that a couple should tackle together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Right. And I'm trying to get him on board to be on a strict budget.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. So, yeah, what's the thing beneath the thing here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
The thing, Benny said, well, we've been married for 13 years. When we first got married, he didn't have any credit rating. And since then, I increased his credit rating to 750 Beacon score. We both have that. And we bought a house and, um, I retired and he stopped working as much. Why? Well, because he works in construction and the Hurricane Helene and rain and this and that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
What does that have to do with anything?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
He can't work when it rains because he's outside building houses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I know, but isn't there just an avalanche of work to be done right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Well, he works for a small employer, a local employer who builds houses and he doesn't build that many houses. So not for him. But you want me to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, keep going, keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So anyhow, we ran up all our credit cards. We have $9,000 in credit cards. We had a leak in the roof. We had to pay $12,000 for a new roof. Our air conditioner died. Sounds like a bad song. It's like a country song, yeah. Yeah. And we had to pay $5,000. We had to finance all this. So we have payments. And he doesn't think anything of getting off of work early. And I get all stressed out because...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Because I'm beginning to hear more and more and more, and it's not something I expected, but more and more, right? So we all know the data that says men don't help out around the house near as much as women do, right? We all know that. But I'm also hearing the other side of the ledger, which is an increasing number of moms choosing to stay home but then having incredible amounts of guilt about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
He's off work early and grabbing a beer and sitting down and I'm saying, hey, there's work to do. You could have been at work until five today. Why are you home at two? So I'm trying to get him on board to realize that, you know, we have bills and I take all my retirement, but it's not enough. We don't bring enough money in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
What do you mean you take all your retirement?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I have a retirement, a very small retirement of $900 a month. And then he brings home about $2,500 a month. And our bills, not including groceries, are $3,500 to $4,000 a month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So, God, there's so much here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I don't want to start answering questions you're not asking. How can I help you? This is such a mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Well, he started working weekends in freelance work, so that's one positive step towards him taking responsibility.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Alex, you quit too. You are broke, broke, broke, scary broke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You have no business being retired right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I understand, but I just went through major surgery, so I'm a bit disabled.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Um, that means until I, um, get better, um, I, I can do remote work. Eventually I've been looking at, um, some companies that I can work remotely in and make a handsome take home salary. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Alex, did you hear me? I get having surgery. I totally get it. I've had multiple surgeries. I get it, get it, get it, get it. I don't think either of you grasp the severity of your situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And so whether it's doing customer service calls, whether it is calling to sign up for the blood bank, the worst call any of us get, and you just get hung up on, hung up on, hung up on, whatever you can do at home, you got to do. And your husband is like, I don't know if he's just taking a cue from you and he's just like, whatever, we all quit. But I don't care what his builder is doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
like i'm talking like at 5 a.m to 8 a.m he's driving uber or bringing people breakfast with instacart and then he's going from or uber eats and then he's going from there to a construction site all day and then he's driving into the night because your family is on a precipice you're about to fall off and not be able to come back yeah i'm very scared because our credit cards and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And all of the years of our marriage have never been maxed out ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I know, but y'all quit, both of you. And I know you have the surgery and I'm not blaming you. I'm just saying here we are. The only thing we can do is the next right thing. And Alex, let me tell you, do you know what my credit score is?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Zero. My credit score is zero. You know why? Because I don't care. Because in my house 15 years ago, I found us so underwater, hundreds of thousands of dollars, me and my wife owed, but mostly me because I was an idiot. I just swore I'm never going to borrow money again ever. And so I've taken out a mortgage. That's it. And by the way, you can buy a house with zero credit score.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And so about this idea that they don't have any worth financially. They're not contributing financially to the house. in like a tangible dollar amount. And I feel like women have bought this lie that has never existed before in human history, which is not your worth is found in love and connection. By the way, men have bought this lie too, but it's get your finances right, get your career right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
They just do a manual underwriting process. But here's the thing. You and your husband have to decide we're going to live like this. And it's going to be awful and hard and you can't just plop on the couch and drink beer. And I know you're recovering and I hate it for you. I want more than anything in the world you to be able to just kick your feet up while you're getting better. I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And I'm only telling you this because I love you. You just can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, I've never been disabled before. I know, it's heartbreaking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
It's heartbreaking. And most of us have this fantasy in our head that if something were to happen to us, that our spouse would rise to the occasion and yours has not. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
No, I had savings. We went through all of our savings and maxed out all our credit cards to pay our bills. So I just started watching the Ramsey show on budgeting. And I watch your show every day. I appreciate it. That's why I called. It's like reaching out to... I don't know. I got you. Feel some progress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
It's a lifeline. I got it. Is your husband a good man? Is he a bum?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
He has an alcohol problem, so when he drinks, he's a bum, but when he doesn't drink, he's good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
How often does he drink?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
That's a loaded answer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Does he drink every day? Yes, he does. Okay, so he's a bum every day. And I say bum, he's a guy who is just struggling deeply.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
After work, yeah. After work, he comes home and gets pretty lit up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But he's getting off work earlier and earlier and earlier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Correct. This time of year, he will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Well, the ghost of alcohol, the shadow is beginning to take over more and more of his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, it should scare you. It should scare you to death. Does he love you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You don't believe that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
No, because I got him to quit alcohol once and he went back. And that says I don't love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I don't think that's true. I think he's struggling with loving himself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. And it's easy to feel like someone's struggling with addiction. It's about us. It's not. Here's the thing about your husband right now and his alcohol use. That alcohol works. It's numbing him out from a life he's terrified of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I can see that. Okay. And I can't fix him. That's right. I'm not a doctor. I can't. I don't have the tools to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
That's right. So can he hear you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
If you sit down and held both of his hands and said, I'm scared to death. I'm scared to death I'm going to lose you. I'm scared to death of the situation we found ourselves with our money. I'm scared to death of we're broke. We've got to make some major changes here. What would he say to you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I don't know. I have to find a time when he's sober. I don't mean to laugh when I say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
No, I got it. It's true. All you can do. Do you have any friends in your life or family members that he'll listen to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
My family's all passed away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Does he have a man in his life he'll listen to? Somebody at work? Somebody that he respects or trusts down the street? Somebody at a local church maybe? Somebody that he just trusts?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And then after those things are done, then you can deal with this. Are we gonna have, am I gonna find a mate or a partner? Am I gonna have kids and do family stuff? And so when somebody comes home their orientation is still career first, finances first. And so I'm seeing more and more women try to grab everything. Like, I'm going to be the CEO of this house is the language I hear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I wouldn't want to bring it up to his boss because it would jeopardize his job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay, his job's going to have to go because his boss sucks too. He doesn't give him any work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Well, not consistently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, his boss has no power over your home or family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, but the thing that, I mean... The caveat there is that before we got married, he went through job upon job upon job upon job, and he's had this job for eight years. I know, Alex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
He has a job, but he's not working. That means it's not a job. He's not making any money. He's not going to his site every day. The main part of an employer's role in the life of a worker is to give them work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
What up? What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. We're talking about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. The show is real people going through real hard stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Your husband has an employer, but he's not getting any work, which means all his boss is doing is keeping him off other job sites where he could actually be bringing home money to support his ailing wife and his dwindling financial situation. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, I'm just scared to death of that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. If that conversation's not safe and speaking to somebody who's intoxicated is not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Then I want you to get with a girlfriend that you have in your life, somebody that you trust and say, I need help. I'm not okay. I'm not okay financially. I'm not okay health-wise. I'm not okay relationally. I'm not okay. Please help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And my hope is maybe you write your husband a letter and he could see that and read it because the emotional interaction, the person to person is too much for him to carry. Maybe that's the case. I don't know. Or maybe he can read it when he's sober in the morning, but your husband's got to get help. But right now you have somebody who is deeply struggling with alcohol and I get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
He's hurting, man, but he's not taking care of his wife and he's not taking care of his home and he's not taking care of himself. And at the end of the day, You're going to have to take the reins. And I hate this for you. But you're going to have to ask yourself, what must be true for me? And you're sitting there recovering from surgery. You can't move around very well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I mean, I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is. Yet, here is where we find ourselves. So that means you're going to get on the phone today to start making phone calls about some work from home options, whether it's like being a call screener or I don't know what it is, but not just kind of play around at the edges. You need to make this a major, major priority in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And you shouldn't have to be doing this, but here's where we are. And hopefully there's some glimmer of hope for your husband that he's going to go sit down and go to a meeting, a local meeting there in Greenville. I would love that for him. Because he's got to get sober so that he can go get work, so that he can start providing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And it's going to work together because then he'll start standing a little bit taller in his life. Here's what I'm going to do for you. I'm gonna send you Financial Peace University for free, right? You're not gonna pay for it. I'm gonna send it to you, all nine lessons, but you gotta promise me you're gonna watch them, all of them start to finish, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And for those of you that don't know what that is, my show is hosted by the Ramsey Network. I also co-host the Ramsey Show, which is a nationally syndicated show. It's one of the largest shows on the planet. I think it's the second largest radio show in the nation, but it's about helping people get financial freedom. And so I'm going to send you Financial Peace. It's a flagship program.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And because I've got to prove that I'm worth staying home even though I don't have income. Is that you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I'm going to send it to you for free. And I want you to watch the videos and hope to God, hopefully he'll watch them with you. And you're not only going to get control of your money, but you're going to get control of your life. But here's where we got to go, Alex. You got to deal with reality. Right now, reality is really scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And reality may mean for a while you go at it alone because you're not getting any help from your husband who's struggling with alcohol. I hate this for you. It's the next right step. You call me anytime, Alex, and I'll walk with you. Thank you for the call. This is day one. We're going to do the next right thing. We'll be right back. Okay, so Kelly is gone. She's out of the office today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And listen, a couple people texted in or DM'd me and asked if Kelly was leaving. No, she has no, there's no chance she's got a better professional opportunity than this show she's on right now, right? But Taylor is in the driver's seat. And Taylor, you sent yesterday, so the show will have come out on the day before this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And there was a woman who called in and remind us what she was calling in about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah. So she was thinking about like, she was on the, I'm thinking about having an affair precipice. And so right after the show, I walked her through what I thought she should do and go have a conversation with him. She actually went and did it. She went and did it. Okay. And she wrote right back. So you forwarded me the email and it just made me smile all day. So read it for us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Dude. Awesome. Like, I can't imagine how hard that conversation is. Just sit down and be like, all right, here's the deal. And she did it. And kudos to her husband for leading with curiosity instead of judgment and having his ego take over that conversation, but being able to exhale and see that his wife was reaching out and saying, help me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I'm about to make a decision that's going to blow both of our lives up. And he chose connection. Good for you guys. That's hard to do. I'm proud of both of them. And she said it. It's a long, long road ahead, but... That's not always, I can imagine he's a good kisser, but imagine he's not. Imagine he's not. Imagine he just tries to eat your face. Dude, that's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Hey, I sent them the questions for humans, and I know people are like, oh, that's fun. They're a tool. They're a tool for reconnecting. There's questions for humans, the intimacy deck. There's questions for humans, couples, the third iteration of that. There's parents and kids. If you have found yourself...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
distant from the person you love dude they're on sale right now and so is building a non-anxious life check it out in the link below go get the questions for humans cards and reconnect get building a non-anxious life and plan for peace in this upcoming year i love you guys stay in school don't do drugs i'm just i'm i'm so grateful for you take care
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Carrie, you're going to drown in your own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I think I'm drowning now. I know you are, but if you're not honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
What was your career before you decided to stay at home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So that makes it even worse, right? Because you've been doing billing and collections and all that for your whole career, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Um, I remember the first time I had a spreadsheet up of, I used to have multiple budgets that I was running at various universities and there was multiple, multiple tens of millions of dollars across all these accounts and, um, income and receivables and outflows. And, and I remember leaving up the spreadsheets once and my wife was like, how is this possible?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You can't balance a checkbook in our house. And yet you're, you know what I mean? So I get it. I've been there. Um, Let me ask a hard question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Your husband really wants you to stay at home. Yes. And you want to be – I heard you say this. You want to be a quote-unquote good wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Do you want to stay at home? Or have you tried this experiment and you don't like it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. So walk me through – The slow steps towards not telling the truth, putting something on a credit card, I'll pay for it next month, and suddenly, oh, no, I'm way over my head.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And for the last two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people, and I'd love to sit down with you. We can figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Oh, okay. So you had no money left in your account. He didn't know that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
No, but you want to be the CEO. That's the CEO's job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Right. Well, and I guess I want to push back on this need to have a quote unquote CEO. There is somebody that needs to like, like my wife actually hits send on the bills, right? And if I get a bill from the, I don't know, somebody came and fixed our sprinkler the other day and I just forwarded the bill to her. She actually goes in and pays it, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So I get that sort of CEO-ness or, hey, we got to get somebody to fix the ceiling fan or something. Then, She'll actually reach out and call and do all that kind of stuff. So I get that kind of stuff every day. Money is too intimate. It's like saying, hey, you just deal with all the sex in our marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you'll fill out the little internet form, and it will go to Kelly and Taylor's inbox, and hopefully they can get you on the show. All right, let's roll out to Little Rock, Arkansas, and talk to Kerry. What's up, Kerry?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You tell us what kind we're going to have, when we're going to have it, and what I need to be wearing. And that would be so lonely and isolating. Money is that intimate. Because it dictates reality. It dictates where y'all are headed as a couple, what y'all are building together. It dictates safety and security. It dictates pleasure and joy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
It's so important that we sit down once a week and say, where are we? That way your husband, because it puts you in the role as a mom, right? If he has to ask you for something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And you want to be his lover and his best friend, not his mom. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah. Okay, so what does it look like to sit down and say, hey, I haven't told you the truth. I've run up a bunch of credit card debt, and I've taken out some loans, and we don't have near as much money as you think we do. And you and I are recording this call at the last day or two of October.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So as y'all are heading into the holiday season, traveling, gift buying, he thinks y'all are in a different place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Will he be mad at you like a dad or will he feel betrayed that you've been suffering by yourself and he loves you and he wishes he had been able to help with this thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. Fair. And so here's my rule of thumb for these kind of conversations. I want you to go straight towards the scariest part of the conversation first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And so here's how I would frame it. Honey, after baby goes to bed tonight, you and I need to have a hard conversation. I have not been telling you the truth. And there's going to be a pause. And I want him to feel it on you. And then I want you to say, I haven't slept with anybody, nothing like that. But I'm scared to death to have this conversation with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And I'm nervous and I need you to be with me because I have to tell you the truth. Well, let's do it right now. I can't, not right this second. And I want you to set it up in that way because there's going to be a surge. There's going to be a suddenly fight or flight. And I want to give there to be 30 minutes. I want there to be an hour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I want there to be 45 minutes of letting this stuff kind of cycle through. And then we're going to sit down and have this hard conversation. And if I were you, I would write down facts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. Cause he's going to imagine y'all are a hundred thousand dollars in credit card debt and y'all have net. Like once you actually sit down and say, I've been drowning for the last year trying to keep up with the money stuff and we're not in a good position right now. And I haven't told you the truth and I'm scared. I'm just coming to you and being open.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I know you're going to be mad and you can be upset and you can be hurt, but we've got a problem and I need your help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. If you just snap, And say, hey, we have tons of credit card debt. It's just going to be Kohl's. He'll explode. Right. I think most of that explosion will come from fear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
But if you sit down and say, hey, I haven't told you the truth. Our money's not too great. Like, how much do we owe? I don't know. He won't hear another word you say until you have a dollar amount. Okay. Because he'll go to a caustic thing. So get exactly, even if you have to pull a credit report, And by the way, go ahead and pull your credit reports. They're for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You can pull all three of them. It's Equifax, Experian, and I forgot the other one. But you can pull your credit reports and say, I know you have reason to not trust me right now, so I want you to see here is where it is. Okay. And you can highlight it. So how bad is it? How much do you owe Owe?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
I'm doing great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Oh, okay. All right. So it's, it's, it's a small amount. What, what's, what do you think he's going to be upset about? Does he think you'll have an emergency fund of some sort?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. Okay. And is it because he spends too much and you spend too much and y'all spend too much? Or is it because he's going to work and you're secretly buying a bunch of stuff on Amazon? Like, why is there no money in the account?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Uh-oh, what's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
So I think this is a, like, I thought the situation when you called was way worse. And I think you're such a person of integrity that even the smallest, like, unless you're telling him, no, we're fine. We got tons of money. And you're like, oh God, we don't have any.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Unless you're doing that, it sounds like you're staring over a precipice and you see all about to fall off a cliff and you want to stop this thing before it gets going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. Can I tell you sooner rather than later, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And here's the last thing I'll tell you. You know this, and I'm glad you've been reading Building a Non-Anxious Life. He's felt the tension in your home for a while now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
He probably thinks it's something he's doing and he's trying to solve it by working more or working harder or trying to wash the baby bottles in the right way, like whatever. And I think that's where your apology starts. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Okay. I'm going to send you the EveryDollar Premium app. It's the app me and my wife use for budgeting. Okay. And here's what it does. Whenever I buy something, it pops up on both of our phones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And it allows us to stay connected. I'm going to give you the premium version. It connects to your bank, and you can both see where you are in real time always.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
And it's for a year, okay? Okay. And I'll hook you up. I'll pay for it. You hang on the line, and I'll get you connected. But I want you to say, I've got a tool. For us. Okay. I need you plugged in. I can't carry this by myself, and I wanted so badly to because I know how hard you work for our family. And I've kept secrets from you, and I'm sorry. It will never happen again. Is that cool?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
Yeah, so cool. Thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Refuses to Grow Up and Take Responsibility
You got it. Go straight. straight towards the discomfort. And for everybody out there who's got secrets heading into the holiday season, if you're safe, meaning your partner's not going to punch a hole through the wall or hit you or be emotionally abusive, if you're safe, let this be the season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
All right, let's talk about cozy earth. In my house, I would prefer to go to sleep somewhere just south of the Arctic Circle. I like it cold. My wife, on the other hand, she would prefer to sleep on the surface of the sun. We can't agree on sleep temperature, but we can both agree on how much we love our cozy earth sheets. I don't know how they do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It's some kind of temperature jujitsu, but she stays comfortable on her side of the bed and I stay comfortable on my side of the bed with our cozy earth sheets and we're both happy. And it won't shock you to know that before I started learning more about bedding, I thought sheets were sheets were just sheets. I've come to learn that all sheets are not created equal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
There's a wide range of quality from that awful cheap old fitted sheet I slept on in college to masterfully crafted sheets created with softness, strength, and comfort throughout. Cozy Earth is not just another bed sheet company. They make their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And remember, Cozy Earth spring into comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off everything. That's 40% off. Go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. Our whole lives are on the internets, and I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish it wasn't the case. It just is. Everything we do takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, because so much of our life exists on the internet now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It should become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies, to give our phone numbers away to random companies, and those companies turn around and sell our information to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me. Listen, they reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
35,000 data brokers that had my personal information and they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed, when they remove them, and from who. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Listen, we can't avoid our lives being on the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all of the Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Hey, take one second for me, please, and subscribe to the show if you're watching this on YouTube or go to the podcast and like it or download it or do the reviews with all the stars. All the stars make such a huge difference for us. Thank you so much. Let's go out to Mitch in Chicago. What's up, Mitch?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Excellent. All right, bring it on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I mean, I guess my first thing is my first gut reaction. And again, this one's a little more challenging because you're not sitting in front of me. I can't see you. Yeah. But it feels like one of two things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
One, you don't fully want to metabolize the seriousness of this, or you've just come up with some safer, more generic, unflavored oatmeal language to describe the fact that your wife is having an affair. She's cheating on you. Right. Which one of those is true?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Is it one of just nervous you're on the show and you don't want to like fully dive in or is it just, is it hit differently when you're like, no, my wife's having an affair, she's cheating on me. And I think my life as I knew it is now over and different now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, totally. I mean, your whole world got blown up. How long have y'all been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. So just y'all been married for five years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Ish. Okay. Um, Hmm. My gut tells me this didn't just start. How long has she had one foot out of the boat of this marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. Was it a shock to you or did you go, I knew it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, but that's not what I asked. Were you stunned by this? Did it catch you completely off guard or did it confirm some fears you've had for a while?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. Did she ever cheat on you when you were dating? You'll date for seven years, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Um, yeah, I guess, I mean, I guess the, the bigger questions are, what are you, what are you going to do now? What do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Where? Is that like a special swipe right account?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah. At all. You go to lunch with an emotional affair. You send inappropriate texts with an emotional affair. You over-disclose. That person becomes your safe place, and you begin dreaming about life with them as opposed to the person you're with. You don't go to their house over and over and over again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah. Dude, I've been in those rooms and I'm not in those rooms. I've never been in those rooms day in and day out, minute after minute, hour after hour. She's exactly right. It's a traumatic job. It's hard. And you go talk about those challenges with a counselor. You go talk about those challenges with a group. You tell you, her husband, hey, I...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I'm struggling carrying the weight of this thing. I need to go talk to somebody. You don't sneak around for a year going over to, you know what I mean? And that like, forget going over to doctor and surgeons houses. She told you she's got feelings for somebody else. I mean, am I wrong? No. Okay. So what are y'all going to therapy for? Because you can go with two different mindsets here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
If you're going to understand what happened, if you're going to just poke around in the drawers, this will happen again, this will happen again, this will happen again. If you're going to save your marriage, then you'll have a different track to take. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay. Because she's still going to work in the same place with these same people, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That is a ride or die friend right there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, but I don't trust her as far as I can see her. Does she show you her text every day and have her location turned on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yet she wants a father figure?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I'm sorry, man. Yeah, it sucks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
You love this woman, huh? Yes, sir. You all have kids? No. Okay. My associate producer of the show let me know that she never even changed her name on her driver's license. Is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
How long? But it took a while. How many years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So just from the outside looking in, man, it sounds like somebody who, for whatever reason, it took y'all the better part of a decade to even get married. And even after that, she didn't want to give up her independence or her way of navigating the world. And maybe she didn't mind riding co-pilot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Or her driving and you riding co-pilot, but she wasn't going to become one with the person she married. And let's give her the benefit of the doubt. Let's say she's exactly right. She never slept with anybody. High five. But she... doesn't trust you enough to say, I'm struggling. She doesn't honor you enough when she says, hey, I've got a feeling for somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And you say, okay, let's rebuild trust. And she's like, no, no, no, no. I can't rebuild trust like that. Like, you need it. Like, let me see your texts and let me know where you are because you're telling me you're going over these guys' houses late at night. And she says, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down. That's too much. I mean, if behavior is a language, she's telling you, I... I want you there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I want you at home working the IT job so I can know that direct deposit's going to keep happening, but I want to go live my life. I want to deal with my stuff the way I want to deal with it. I want to involve other men in our circle of emotional and physical trust. And you just have a grown-up decision to make, my brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I don't think that's the actual issue.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That means y'all are roommates, dude. And I say terrible, like not as a judgment call, but as like, you can't make your marriage work that way. I mean, you have split emotions, you have split physical lives, you have split financial lives. It sounds like the only thing that's different is y'all went and got a government stamp on a piece of paper, but your lives are still as though you're dating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, I can see that. Does that make sense? Yeah. I guess the only, the path you got moving forward, brother, is to truly, honestly, and as painfully as this would be, write down the questions you actually have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Not the hem-haw, not the, like, put your head down and she just kind of tells these tales about, I'm struggling and then this, and then I had to go over to their house over and over and over again. And you say, will you go over there anymore? How dare you ask that? It's too much. It's just too overbearing. You need to write down the questions you actually want to know the answers to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And then you're going to have to ask yourself, A, do I trust this person? B, Do I want to stay married to this person and see what must be true for me to remain married? And no one can really make that decision for you. Right. I can just tell you if I was to switch places with you, it would be real, real, real thin ice. Yeah, I understand that. Do you feel like you got the full story?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I'm going to have a job forever because people keep making choices like this. Good gosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. Well, I can't tell you what to do next, brother. All I can do is say from the outside looking in, you're right to feel completely bewildered because the actions of both of you aren't the actions of a married couple that's going to be ride or die till the wheels fall off. It's going to be standing there at the castle gates, like just saying, bring it on world. It's us two versus y'all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Your marriage is built on, we have two different lives that we just happen to share a house and a marriage certificate. That's the way y'all run it, dude. You can run it that way. The data tells me it's not going to work. And I think a lot of people race off to marriage counseling after there's some sort of infidelity and they just want to talk about it and talk about it and talk about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And maybe you don't even know if you want to save this marriage. You want to find out some more information. You want to get to the bottom of some stuff, but it's going to always land on what do you need to feel like I can reestablish and she can re-earn my trust. And what things are we going to do differently so that we create a life where one plus one equals one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Can I tell you what I think the actual issue is and you can tell me if I'm wrong? Yo, yo, yo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. The greatest relationships and mental and emotional health show ever. That's not true by a long shot. But if you just keep saying it, I'm telling you, if you just keep saying it, evidently it all just becomes true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And that's the choice you're going to have to make, man. And again, if it's me, all the notifications are turned on. Probably she's getting another job. She's working at a different hospital. She's committing to letting you know I'm struggling in these areas and so I'm going to go talk to this professional or this person and I'm not going over to –
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
other rockstar surgeons and doctors' houses late at night and lying to you about it. I'm not going to continue working with people that I want to have a relationship with, an intimate or romantic relationship with, that I have feelings for, if you will. We're going to share finances.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
All those things, like, man, you're going to have to do a bunch of different stuff that y'all haven't done in, what, 10, 12 years of being together. And you're going to have to build a completely new marriage. And you just, it's going to start with you asking yourself, do I still want to do that? And then asking her, do you want in on that? And that's two big question marks in my mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And then from there, man, I believe y'all can build whatever you want to build. I just have a belief in people and redemption. I have a belief in people. They can, they've chosen a miserable life. They could choose an amazing one, but it all comes down to that choice. And both of you have to have both feet in the boat. Both of you have to be all the way in. Thanks for the call, my brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Call anytime. And I'd love for her to reach out too, man. I'd love to hear her side of the story. But you have some hard questions to ask moving forward. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, so I was born and raised in Texas, and I love, love the myth of the lone cowboy. You know, the guy who doesn't need anyone or anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
He's got a mustache, and he solves all his problems by himself. It's a great, fun story, and it's a lie. In a society that's obsessed with your diet and your workout routine and your job and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone. And I don't care whether you're introverted or extroverted or whatever internet-based relationship style you want to give yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I don't care about any of that. We all have to have a community and a support system to do life with. Listen, it's time to shift the focus from doing it all by ourself to knowing that we can only be well and whole when we ask for help. Therapy can be a great source of support or help for any area of your life. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it can fit with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey, and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start to build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. Don't forget to hit the subscribe button. All right, let's go out to Indianapolis, Indiana and talk to J-I-L-L. What's up, Jill?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Of course, thanks for calling in. What's going on in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I'm sorry. How long have you been this close to the edge?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
You believed one more time, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
But they're in prime absorption. Like they're able to absorb and see, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So I guess my question for you is what do you want to be different?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Did it ever occur to you that he could feel the fact that you never fully loved him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. But you married him out of loyalty, not out of, I want to build a life with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Um, when you say you talk to him, I've learned that that means different things to different generations of people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Oh, so you didn't like talk to him, like go hook back up with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. And why did this phone call disrupt your husband's equilibrium so bad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Gail, hold on, hold on, hold on. Has she ever been right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
But you were 18, 18 though, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Let's stop talking about high school boyfriend. Like both, both, both him and him and yeah. And husband, like if your husband's still bringing this up, then yeah, he's, he's got some, some pretty significant challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
She's never been right. Since you've known her, she hasn't been right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay, but that was when you were 21 years old, 15 years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
The things I said 15 years ago, the things I said seven years ago, God help me. You know what I mean? Yep. The thing is, is y'all chose to stay together. You chose to work on it. You chose to make humans. Y'all have made three humans, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So I guess at the end of the day, if that's still a thing floating around that when you were 21, you admitted to your brand new husband that you still had feelings for a high school boyfriend and you were confused because a lot of people get married and they think it's supposed to like magically make all old flames go away. It doesn't. Right. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And they think I'm going to get married and it's going to magically be magic and it's just super not, right? So all I have to say is I don't know anybody who gets married at 21 that doesn't say dumb stuff. I don't know anyone who gets married at 31 who doesn't say things that 10 years later they're like, whew, I wish I could have that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
If he's doing a life sentence for murder one on the back end of another sentence for attempted murder,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And so here's the deal. I fully agree. We're here right now. Let me ask you, what do you want? When I asked you that question, the first thing you said is I want my husband to be happy. What do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Oh, there you go. What does that mean? Paint me a picture of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
home and in my life but you don't value Jill you're still heartbroken about a dumb thing you said when you were 21 years old it's I mean you think that the reason he doesn't talk to you is something is wrong with you that's the thing that I'm told I know but you believe it
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I'm going to go one step further. Yes, that happened. Yes, you broke his heart when you said you still had feelings for another guy 15 years ago. He continues to struggle because he hasn't chosen to Changed his life. And now y'all have gotten in that weird figure eight infinity loop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
dance that is you show up feeling less than in your own house and you tiptoe around your own house and you tiptoe around your own kids and then he knows people are tiptoeing around him and then he chooses to not do anything to bridge that gap or his body shuts him down whatever and it just gets in this and then you are reaching for ghosts and this guy that was never going to leave you but he's left you like you said perfectly he left you but he never left and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And somebody has to stop that dance. And sometimes it is, here is the deal. Here's the life I am looking for. You have left me in our own home. Or a better way to say that, a more connecting way to say that is, I feel like you have left this marriage. You just haven't left our home. You haven't left our bed. Do you want to stay married to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Because if you want to stay married to me, here's what must be true. And I would like to be married to you. What must be true for you to want to stay married to me? Y'all got to put that on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And so Jill, what's your, what's your alternative? Cause now you're keeping score. Keep when you start scorekeeping, that is, that's somebody hovering over the ash of resentment. That's contempt. That's one of the Gottman's four horsemen of the end of a marriage. I've been doing so much. You've been doing nothing but being a net drain on this relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And suddenly you find yourself going up a ladder and you're looking down upon him. I've been doing this. I've been doing this 15 years. I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I get that. So are you going to leave? No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
You're never going to leave? No. Okay. If you're going to make that choice that I'm going to stay, then that frames what your next move is. If there is a or else line you're drawing, this has to change or else I'm going to go live my life. Because this isn't a marriage of fidelity. He's choosing to opt out of the marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Probably not. Probably not. All right, so let's pretend, though, he gets out on parole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And maybe he didn't sleep with somebody or he's not opting out with work, but he's opting out by choosing to not engage. If there's not an or else line you're going to draw, then you have to do one of two things. Make peace with the way it is and begin to live your life. If you don't want to go dancing with me, fine. I'm going to go take dance lessons because I want to dance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It's so lonely. But I guess what I'm trying to get you to see is the prison you're in is locked on the inside. And there's not a move you make without consequence. If you bring it up yet again, you're going to be mad at yourself because you swore yourself last time, I'm not bringing this up anymore. He has to start doing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And like the old Dr. Phil line, do you want to be right or do you want to be married? Do you want to bring it up one last time? Or letting him know, I'm not bringing this up anymore. I'm tired of being lonely. And so I'm going to go find some friends and we're going to go do life. I'd love for you to join me. My bigger concern right now is your three kids are absorbing. This is what marriage is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
No, no, no, no. Your sister's pretending. You can live in real world. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
This is what love looks like. This is what husbands who go to the ends of the earth for their wives look like. This is what, and instead they're getting like, this is what it feels like when mom gives up. This is what it feels like when dad quits. And peace, keeping the peace in a household feels like electricity for a child. They feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And I hope you hear me not dumping all of this back on you. I just want you to hold. You're the only one. Your husband clearly doesn't want to make another move. He kind of likes the way his life is. He gets to do whatever he wants, thinks how he wants. He doesn't have any responsibilities. And life just keeps going on. And also, I bet he's miserable on his own skin. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. I mean, you said it when you called. You knew my answer. There's nothing you can do. There's not a thing you haven't said. Other than maybe I love you till the end of time and I'm never going to leave you. And the day you want to start having joy in your life, I'll be right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
But what I want you to do, if that's your decision, I want you to make peace with it because right now you're at war in your own body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I mean, when you brought it up, did you put it on the table and tell him that you're considering leaving?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Okay. Can I tell you, he knows, he can feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, but you're not underwater in depression when your feelings weigh so heavy that they are immobilizing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Are you scared to hurt this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That's right. That's right. And I hear this from mothers all over the country when people are like, how'd you, how'd you do it? And you're like, I have to, like, there's, there's no way to explain it. I've got three kids who have to eat. And to quote Henry Cloud, what your husband needs is some problems. He needs to know his laundry's just not going to magically appear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That his kids don't just magically come home and have every one of their needs taken care of while he sits there and just veges out. It may be that your husband needs some problems that aren't just in his head, but that are in reality. So he'll stand up on his own two feet and begin to get his feet underneath him. It's a decade and a half. Something's got to change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And if nothing changes, nothing's going to change. But I can't stress this enough. You've got to go find a therapist in your local area and sit down and talk to somebody. Because I think your trend line is not great either. But the prison you're in is locked from the inside, and I want you to turn the key. And I know it's scary out there, but I want you to turn the key and take a step out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Confront that reality. Go get them. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing over time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Why? Because of a little murder? Yeah, really. I actually, I don't think that's the actual issue.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent Challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has an enormous catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That means you're covered through the entire Lent season and beyond. Go check out Hallow at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we're back. We got a money and marriage question. Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Oh, dude. Man, I love that question. One of the things that every marriage researcher talks about, Esther Perel, the Guttmans, everybody talks about is we have such a ROI-ed, work-centric world, right? that every action we take has to have a benefit to it. We exercise so we can. We do this so we can. I haven't talked about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Can I tell you what I think the actual issue is? And you can tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I work out now so that when I'm 90, I can roll around with my grandkids. Everything is so ROI-oriented. And dude, we have sucked the joy out of being alive. Fun. Just fun. We've lost fun. So what are some ways to, like, in couples all over the country, they reach out, dude. They've recognized this. Our house functions so well. Our finances are getting back on track. We put sex on the calendar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
We have it 2.1 times a week. All the things. Dude, we don't have any fun in our house. We just don't have any fun. So the only word I can give you is practice. And I know it sounds dumb to practice fun, but you got to practice fun. What does that mean? Sometimes let the kids stay up too late. Sometimes fill up a bucket of water balloons and just drill your kids when they... Get off the bus.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I think the actual issue is they don't know her. They love the whirling dervish that is their aunt that sweeps into their life and buys them a bunch of cool stuff and acts all bananas. And they think it's hilarious and fun. And then you and husband have to keep the rules. And then she wisps away. And the, the excitement for a kid, what would you say? Five, four and three or something like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Just unload on them, you and your spouse. Sometimes the dinner's halfway being done and you're like, I don't want to eat this tonight. Just order pizza. Sometimes turn all the music up on Spotify as loud as it will go and just have a dance-off. sometimes play spin the bottle with your husband or wife. That might even be fun. Play truth or dare. The John Deloney erotic envelope system.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Just come up with five things you want to try, five things they want to try, and then you just agree to pull one up, and you won't judge what's on that card. You're just going to be curious about it, even if you don't even understand the physics and geometry of whatever they put on that card. I don't know how this is physically possible to try, but I want to hear about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Like, choose curiosity, choose fun, and inject some things in there. In my house, here's some things we've done. My wife, her dream, her dream is to be in bed by 9 o'clock every night. Like, just dream. And she hears the next morning when I'm talking about how hilarious a comedian was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So last year she put on the calendar, I'm going to go to this mini live comedy shows, John, you curate it for me. Um, and she knows, I know the kind of humor she likes and I especially know the kind of humor she doesn't like. So I curated them specifically, but she, When somebody was coming to town, I was like, you got to go to this one. And, dude, we laughed our heads off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
She put on the calendar, I will go to some concerts. That means I'm going to be out until midnight or 1 a.m. And, dude, we went and hung out with the Avett brothers. We went and hung out with Frank Turner. We went and hung out with some of our heroes. And it was awesome. And on the other side, I committed. On certain nights, I'm going to go to bed at 930. I'm just going to go to bed early.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And then lo and behold, I sleep all night. I wake up feeling like a million bucks. The mornings are full of laughter instead of me being all grumpy and mainlining coffee. Like it's just a, we have a wrestling mat in our living room. So me and my daughter can just literally go Karate Kid 3 as often as we can. My son and I are always making jokes, making jokes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So it's just a choice to, I'm going to release my grip a little bit on routine, release my grip a little bit on everything's got to be tucked in, release my grip on, my hair's got to be just perfect. And instead, I'm going to focus on laughter, fun, play, joy, and whatever that means to your house, knock your lights out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It might even mean when your kid's playing Minecraft that you go in the other room and log in on a separate account and you just attack, right? I don't know what that means in your house, but let it... Can you attack somebody on a Roblox? I don't even... I don't know. I'm not into things on... Yeah. The two nerds in the booth were like, absolutely. I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It would be funny if your dad suddenly had a secret Fortnite account and, like, attacked you. Oh, that would be fantastic. Yeah. And then it's like, by the way, like, stop wearing my underwear. I don't know. Like, something funny you'd say to your kid. I don't know. I guess if your kid's wearing your underwear, you got other issues, but... Um, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It's, it literally is a mind shift that yes, routine is great and going to bed about the same time every night is good. And also good God, order a pizza and stay up too late dancing. Um, here's one last thing I'll leave you with. Ask yourself, is this a funeral speech moment? And here's what I mean by that. Um, I was in Walgreens a year or so ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
My wife started this tradition that on the last day of school, we hide and we attack the kids with water balloons. And it's become a funny thing. Like one year, my son was on the roof of like our small, like it's become like World War III and it's super, super fun. And they get me. Sometimes we've snuck up and got my wife. The whole thing's just chaos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I was in Walgreens and I was getting some medicine or something. And I saw a thing of like a hundred water balloons. I just grabbed it because I thought that's going to be funny one day. And something was going on and we needed to get to bed or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And I'd filled up, long story short, I remember saying, if I throw all these balloons right now, I think it was in the house, it might've been in the house. If I throw these right now, they will tell this story at my funeral.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Like remember that one time, not that dad got us to bed on time again, but do you remember that time goofball dad started throwing water balloons or snowballs or whatever it was in the house. And so sometimes I ask myself, will they tell this story at my funeral? Cause if so, I'm gonna, I'm gonna let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Now, that's not always a good thing, but it's one of those just, this isn't a good idea on a Tuesday night. Yeah, but they'll tell the story one day. So, again, I love that question. Let's return our lives and our homes and our marriages and our relationship with our kids. Yes, they got to get their math homework turned in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Good God, your house, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
But can we all start looking for a little more fun, playfulness, joy, laughter? Go get them. And don't play Fortnite. God help you. Love y'all. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So yeah, you have like a live, like multiple live chainsaws going in your living room at any given moment. So they love the, ah, and then it's like a roller coaster. It's fun.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
You can't live there. I think the bigger issue here is very soon they'll begin to know her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I totally agree. You're going to have this half this confrontation. The guy's not getting out of jail. He's just not. But you're going to have to have this conversation when it turns into, hey, I want the kids to come stay with me for a month. Or why don't you go out of town and I'll come stay with them. And you're like, yeah, no, I think that's the confrontation that's coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah. We want tonight to be extra hot, so we're taking all three of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It doesn't even have to be true anymore. So glad that you were with us for more than two decades. I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move or help them figure out what's the next right move. And if that sounds like something you want to be a part of, you want to sit down with me and we can figure out what's the next thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And so can I say this? My guess is, and this is the compassionate side of me, your sister's had a rough go of it, hasn't she?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So she's had her struggles. I can guarantee you she can feel it a mile away when someone's not being honest with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And also, my guest, tell me if I'm wrong. I could be way out to lunch here. She does not handle direct, honest interactions very well, does she?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah. Yeah. Yelling at somebody and calling them judgmental when, A, they're putting up a boundary or they're calling out unsafe actions, right? When somebody says, so forget the right or wrong, right? Forget that. Right. She probably makes choices. I'm just going to guess, like go out on a limb here, like marrying a murderer. She makes choices that are inherently unsafe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And when you say something, it's easy to defend herself by just calling you the bad guy. So I don't blame her for that. I get it. I understand it. It's hard to hear someone who loves you saying, hey, if you drink like that or you snort that or you sleep with that, you're going to have problems. It's easy just to throw grenades. So I think for you, the hard part is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I love my sister and I have a duty to my kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I love my sister and I have a responsibility towards my marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And those may not intermingle much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
At some point, you're going to have to sit down and have the hard conversation. And it's going to be best. I like the way my friend Jefferson Fisher frames it. Like, you have to have a goal for the conversation. And if your goal is, I need to say all the things I need to say, you're going to leave completely disconnected. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Next thing to do in your world, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. I see you all in the booth laughing at me. Am I doing something? What did I do wrong? No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So I want you to spend some time actually deciding what is the goal of this confrontation I need to have. If it is to say, I'm never going to leave my kids with you. I just struggle to trust you. You just married a murderer. Yeah. I struggle to trust you and I struggle to trust you with the safety of our kids. I do love you around them, but we're going to be there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And dude, the whirling dervish of middle fingers and like the way she'll talk about you and how dare you and who you think you are. I mean, you can stand in the middle of that storm because you're anchored into reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
But you got to ask yourself, what's the point of the conversation? Is it to give her a lifeline? Like, hey, when this thing burns to the ground, we'll still be here. I mean, you got to ask yourself what that goal is. If you go into the confrontation without a goal, no one's going to be happy because you're going to start searching for a feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And you'll never get that. You'll never get that feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
So what's your alternative to put your kids in an unsafe situation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
No, I mean, there is a solution, but you want to have it all and you can't. Yeah, that's true. You want to have a sister who's clearly been struggling for a long time, who just made a wild life decision, not hate you. or not cut you off because you probably feel like you're the only light in her life. And your kids are the only light in their life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And you see your kids dying laughing when she's around because she's probably pretty remarkable with your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, she's chaos and fun, and she's exactly what an aunt should be, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
My sister goes by the name Tia Loca. I don't even know if my kids know. They do know her name, but they've never called her that. Yeah, yeah. But she also is, like, super responsible, and she's a funny, hilarious, like... Everything's on fire when she comes in the house, which is exactly what you want with an aunt, right? That's what you want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And also, she's not married to a murderer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Well, she'll learn like when I'm going to come, I'm coming for your birthday, I'm coming for your birthday, and she doesn't show up. Or I'm going to be there, I'm going to be there, I'm going to be there, and she doesn't show up. That's when they'll begin to learn.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And so you're going to have to sit in the heartbreak that all parents have to sit in with their kids when they learn that not everybody tells the truth. Not everybody has... Some people have struggles and it's heartbreaking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
It's boobs. Your shirt has boobs. No, it's Milo. It's his eyes. Looks like I have lobisms. Well, y'all are making me self-conscious now. I love this band. I love the Descendants. They're the best. Now I'm going to be all weirded out for the rest of the... Thanks, guys. I've got four nipples today on this show. All right, let's go out to Morgantown, West Virginia, and talk to Gail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Yeah, I would just tell you, who cares? Yeah, that's true. My kids get resentful, especially my younger one, when I turn the TV off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
My younger one gets resentful when I don't let them eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
That's just kind of what they do because they're kids. They don't get a vote.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And then when they get older, they're going to be really grateful that mom and dad stood in the gap when they were children and kept them safe to the best of their abilities. And I mean, just imagine the alternative, the other conversation. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
Hey, mom, why did you keep letting aunt so-and-so come over when you knew she was going to sneak alcohol in here and she's going to leave us with murder boyfriend or murder husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
I mean, I think you've got to let go and it's going to be hard. Let go your responsibility for keeping your sister in check or in line. And you're going to have to recognize, I can't keep her in check and in line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
No matter how much I love her, how much I try to coach her, no matter how much I try to quote unquote model the right, like a peaceful way of doing life, she's going to go marry a murderer. She's going to go do her thing. And let's say the 0.0001% chance this guy gets out on parole. Good, great, grand. He's not coming around my kids. And by the way, I've met people who got out on parole before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
They're almost always super clear eyed. Like, yeah, of course, I understand that you want some space between me and your kids. That's not a problem. I'm not going to come over for Thanksgiving. I get it. I totally get it. Totally get it. And I want to honor the temperature of your household. I'm not going to show up there. So, yeah, I would love her the best I can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister Married a Man in Prison for Murder
And when you think confrontation is coming, then be super clear and have a goal for the meeting. But I think before any of that goes on, you need to exhale and just be sad for a little bit because I wish everyone could have an aunt like my sister. Everyone, I wish. And you don't have that. I'm sorry. That breaks my heart for you. Thanks for the call, my friend. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Right now, I want you to take out your phone. I don't want you to delete his contact.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
The moment this call is over, I want you to send him an email on your work email.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
It says I'm cutting off contact with you. I don't want to talk to you electronically. I don't want you to call me. I don't want you to text me. I don't want you to email me anymore. If you do, I will consider it harassment. and a violation of our professional working relationship. Send.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You don't. Trust me, I'm a mess. But right now, I'm doing all right. But hold on. You're then going to have to... You're going to be empty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And you're going to have to backfill that with friendships. You're going to have to backfill that with other people that you call. And you're going to have to deal with the hollowness that you feel because you became somebody that you don't respect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I'm telling you from the outside, you're worthy of that respect, but you gotta, you gotta act different. You gotta be someone who doesn't date married men.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We did. And by the way, going back to the friendship stuff, you lost him as like a friend just for whatever it's worth. Like my non, I was about to say my non-sexual friends. That's all but one. My friends who are not like, there's no romantic interest or whatever. I don't hang out with people. I hang out with guys that are questionable on a lot of fronts. I love them, but they're, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
They make different choices than me. But I don't hang out with dudes who cheat on their wives. I just don't. Like, I just don't. I hang out with people who make mistakes, and I hang out with people who say they're sorry, and I hang out with people who have any number of different values than me, different beliefs than me. But forget the romantic part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Don't be around this dude because he's the kind of scumbag that cheats on his wife. He's the kind of scumbag that continually over and over destroys the humans in his life. I'm just not going to be around that kind of person. I'll walk with them if they say they want to get better. They want to change their life, but that's just as a rule of life, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Life is too short and there's too many amazing people out there trying to do the next right thing. Today's your independence day, my friend Lucy. Today's your day of freedom. Today's the day you've got to deal with a lot of hard stuff, including the things that you've done and the person that you are becoming. We're going to become something different starting today. Hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's going to be my gift to you. But if you call him or you respond to a text message or if he emails you and you don't send it on to HR, you have to send the book back. You won't, but that's my rule. Thanks for the call, Lucy. We're rooting for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Since the first day I started this show, I've been preaching about the importance of regular exercise and our overall physical health. I am thrilled to announce I have partnered with TrainWell, an amazing app and personal trainer all in one. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
So while it is on your phone or your computer, it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. Me, my wife, my colleagues, and their wives, we've all been using TrainWell for some time now, and the feedback, the interaction with a real personal trainer, the accountability, and the personalized nature of the workouts have been outstanding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
To get started, you just need to answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you make them better, and it works. Over 90% of TrainWell clients say they exercise more consistently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We can start the new year off right. Man, I was...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Up to 90% report increased strength, and 73% say they got a confidence boost. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. This January only, you'll get 45% off the monthly price, plus 14 days of free training at trainwell.net slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
That's trainwell, T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L dot net slash deloney. Okay, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending time more on screens than I like, and I'm traveling. I'm just feeling all over the place. Here's the deal. Starting the year off right starts with good sleep, and that means creating a space that helps you rest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And for me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps my whole family cool and comfortable all night. It's perfect for creating that sleep sanctuary that we all need. My wife sleeps in Cozy Earth's long-sleeved bamboo pajama set every night, and we both love the Cozy Earth bath linens. With the best towels in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
sometimes i leave the show um in one of two ways i leave the show like i just exhale and sometimes i'll text my wife and just be like just so you know we're doing great we're doing great and then other times people call in and they're like hey i'm wondering if my like wife's having an affair and they roll through like what's going on and it's like a thousand percent yes how do you not see that and
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I love their Cityscape hoodies. So let's do a restart. Let's put down our phone. Let's get a regular bedtime. Let's get comfortable when possible. And let's invest in our sleep. All of this with Cozy Earth. Because we all want to sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for the Dr. John Deloney Show listeners. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Hey, Joe, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Yeah, dude, that's a terrifying place to be, man. I'm sorry. That's okay. Hey, it's not okay, man. It's not, you don't gotta, you don't gotta make me feel better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But then it makes me wonder, like, what are the things in my life that I'm just super unaware of? I'm sure y'all have lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Man. Um, There's not a good, there's not like a, it's not written in a textbook somewhere what the next move is. Yeah. Okay. Um, so I'm going to give you with all of my, the time I've spent sitting with people who've had emotional affairs and full blown sexual affairs and all, I'm like my personal experience, all of it. Okay. Um, I would probably leave for 30 days. Okay. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Because here's the thing, your wife is just lying to you and lying to you and you're going crazy. And it's hard to stay clear because every time you go to the safest, what should be the safest place in the world, which is your home, you're in fight or flight the entire time. Correct. And every time you go to work, you're in fight or flight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And the other option would be, I'm going to go stay in an apartment for 30 days and we're going to put the house on the market. And I'm going to sell this house because that's the only way you're going to save your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And if she says, I think that's a great idea, let's do that, cool. And if she says, absolutely not, this is where we live, yada, yada, then she gets to make a choice. Do you want to fight me for this home? Or we're going to sell this home one way or the other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We're going to sell it through when the judge forces the sale of the home and we split the assets up, the equity up, or we can sell it now and try to save our marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Joe, your wife is sleeping with your neighbor. Period. End of story. You know that. I know that. They both know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Hey, everybody, check it out. The best show, like, the three top shows of 2024. Happy New Year. If nothing else, it will remind you you're probably doing pretty good. Check it out. All right, let's go out to Lucy in the sky with diamonds in Pittsburgh. Hey, what's up, Lucy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
If you're done with this marriage, be done with this marriage. An important family death, bankruptcy, those are two of the most powerful stressors on a marriage. Yes, sir. An affair. I mean, you've got like, it's the trifecta. Yeah. But now you're at a place where you keep coming back to drink more poison and more poison and more poison.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I haven't heard you once say, I am desperately in love with this woman and I want to try to save this marriage. I hear you pissed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
No, dude, your wife's cheating on you, right? And your neighbor waves at you. Yeah. I'm afraid you're going to end up in jail. You know why? Because I would. Yeah. I don't have the strength to go through what you're, what you're doing every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Here's the deal. Here's the work you have to do. Yes, sir. What does the path to trust look like for you? Because let's say we can't sell the house. We are stuck here in this house. It's against the law for us to sell, which is not true, but let's just make up something, okay? Yeah, yeah. What does trust look like? Trust looks like a no contact order.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Trust looks like you saying you are forbidden from coming on my property. And if you come on my property, you call my house again, you're on notice now. I'm going to file a harassment complaint. And your wife cuts off everything. She throws her phone in the sink and lets it, and loses all contacts and starts completely over. Yeah. But here's the deal, bro.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
She did all this stuff and she, and he made her dinner and they had dinner together last night. You know what I mean? Yeah. I understand. You've heard me say this a thousand times. Behavior is a language. She's being very clear with you. No, I understand. And right now she's got a gravy train, which is you going off to work and then coming home. Does she work too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
So y'all effectively never see each other and she has eight hours a day when she gets to spend with a man next door. That is correct. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Yeah. But here's the deal. I'm afraid you're about to do something stupid. Will you promise me that you're not going to go to jail? Of course.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And for whatever it's worth, during a divorce proceeding, every one of her text messages will be subpoenaed. Every one of her emails will be subpoenaed, even the deleted ones. Everything is on the table. Okay? Yours too. Yes, sir. And so there's a chance you end up with full custody here because she doesn't want to be married to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I'm great. Thank you for taking time to call in. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
A great mom doesn't bring another man to the house every night. Yes, sir.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
him we're all painting the room and she obviously denies it but this is Joe yeah I'm just you can hear it as you're saying it out loud can't you yeah listen like if we were in person if I was sitting in Connecticut right now with you in New Haven I was just there a few weeks ago if I was there with you right now I would stop the conversation and I'd give you a hug because I know the path that's in front of you is gnarly yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I know miracles happen, but this sounds like your marriage is over and it sounds like now we're just waiting for somebody to be the adult and have the courage to do the next thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I guess that's what I was afraid of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And dude, if she was ready to fight and go to war for this marriage, dude, I'd be, a thousand percent y'all could save this marriage. Yeah. No question about it. I have no question about it. But everything starts with, I'm going to tell you the truth. And she can't do that. And she won't do that. And now we're at a place where she is teaching our son that we lie. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
She's teaching our son that multiple men stay in this home. And by the way, dude, Joe, just so you can see this from an outsider's perspective, because I'm just a random dude in Nashville, Tennessee. Yes, sir. She's trying to send you a message. She's leaving trash in the trash. She's leaving rollers in the house. Yeah. She's not even trying. You know what I mean? Yeah. That's a good point. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We'll start the new year off right. Woo! Happy New Year! Happy New Year. I am not here. I'm recording this way in the past. So I'm assuming 2025 rolled around. We made it. We made it. New Year's is my favorite time of the year. My favorite, favorite, favorite, favorite time of the year. Because the whole world just says, eh, you get a mulligan on that one. You can literally say anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Yeah. That's true. Like there's a lot of what I would call, um, infidelity gymnastics that people go through lots. Yeah. She's almost rubbing your nose in it or less, like less aggressively, like letting you know this is happening. Ta-da. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And maybe you tell her, I want you out of this house in the next week. She's got to move out. Yeah. Y'all figure that stuff out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But I mean, you can't continue to allow another man to come spend eight hours a day in your home with your wife and your child. Yeah. And that can be that you leave.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
and then serve the papers or sit with an attorney or y'all go to a mediation or whatever. It happens in Connecticut. Every state's different. Um, or she packs up and goes, although I think your fear is she's just going to go 20 yards next door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Yeah. Right. Has she shown you the messages that she sent him that said, we are never going to be in contact ever again. Stop contacting me. Effective immediately.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I want it in writing. I want it in writing so that when you file a harassment complaint that this man won't leave your wife alone. He keeps coming over to the property line and staring at her. He keeps yelling at her, trying to say hello to her when she's trying to walk your child and the dog. I want it all in writing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I used to tell my college students, you have to put in writing through text message or email, do not contact me anymore, period. And once that line is crossed, then it's harassment. Now we can get involved. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay. All right. But I don't think she's going to do it, Joe. I'm going to have to agree with you there. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
So let's get a group of people in your corner, whether that's a couple of close friends, whether that's a minister from your local church, whether that is an attorney that you're going to sit with, a mental health professional, everybody. Maybe the path right now is to go sit with an attorney because you've got a lot to untangle, whether with the bankruptcy, with child, with home equity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I don't know how any of that stuff works in Connecticut. So having a professional just to know what you're looking at here. And the whole time, I want you to spend some time with yourself in a local coffee shop or on your breaks at work or in the morning when your son is taking a nap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
figuring out what is a path back to trust so that you can lay it down in front of her and say this is what this looks like we sell the house and we rent because I would rather be married to you and rebuild this marriage than own a house or you have to sever all contact forever and partridge in the pear tree on and on and on and on and on and I'm going to put cameras up in the house and if this man steps on my property I'm going to have him a no trespass
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I don't want his plates in our home, and I don't want his paint rollers in our home, and I don't want his love and affection for you and our kid in our home. It's our home, not his. But, Joe, you got to stop. I mean, I know you hear it, and it's hard to even wrap your head around, oh, this is it. My wife is choosing him. She's choosing dishonesty. She's choosing lying, and I'm so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Call back anytime, brother. You got a long, hard road ahead of you. And listen to me, just because it's painful doesn't mean it's not right. Whichever path you take. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This time of year, it's cold, it's dark, and most of us just want to stay inside and try to get cozy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
On the rare nights when everyone is home at my house, I love to spend cozy nights in with my immediate family. We all get under some blankets, sit around the fire, and we either read some books out loud or we watch a movie together. We laugh, annoy each other, and we all settle in. But often during the holidays, my family is scattered all around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
They're traveling, we're working, or otherwise separated from each other. And I find myself alone, bummed out, and sometimes wishing I was somewhere else. Millions of you know this feeling of being bummed out, lonely, especially around the holidays. You're battling loneliness and grief, and you wish that your life was different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
If this sounds like you, I encourage you to reach out to a therapist today. Therapy can be a safe place to settle in and work through those emotions, replenish your energy, and take care of yourself. I recommend BetterHelp to help you find comfort during the chaos and stress and loneliness that can be attached to the holidays.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just get online and fill out a short survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Find comfort in this season with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Okay, Patrick, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Bro, you're setting this one up, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You're like making the shoe really high before you drop it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
All right, what's the other shoe? Drop it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
So I feel like the preamble, all the stuff you told me up until this isn't true. Because she doesn't know this. And you told me you're more intimate than you've ever been. You're more in love. You're more communicative. You'll talk about everything. But she doesn't know you're not attracted to her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But you understand that now though, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
How'd she find out? Were you posting it online? How'd she find out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Why do you consider sex a performance?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
So this guy sucks and he's, he's untrustworthy and he's cheated on one. He'll cheat on you. And so we're moving on, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And that leads me to this sense of bro. Like, I don't know what kind of, like, and I'm, I'm, I would hug you if you were sitting here. Okay. So I want you to hear me say that. Okay. You are facing a challenge that bajillions of people, men and women face in their relationships, but often it's men and, And it has little to nothing to do with sexual attraction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
It has to do with feeling alive in your own home. And you don't. And so everything has to be a theater performance. And it has to, I've got to get my heart rate racing again. And I have to concoct this adventure. And right now I'm trusting you that it's staying in your head, but it will be out of your head shortly. You'll be in somebody else's bed. Because it's that quiet life of desperation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And so as good as you think things are, man, I feel like you're almost having to tell yourself that because you're drowning. You're not even drowning. You're just suffocating in your own home. Is that fair? Am I crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
That's where it is. That's where the adventure is. You've created this story where I'm kind of introverted, so that's off the table. I'm kind of this, so that's off the table. And yet your body is starving for it. Like, forget your friends for a second. You and your wife, like, what does play look like? What does Eros and Desire look like? How does she seduce you? She doesn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Okay, that's the issue to be addressed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Openly and directly and with compassion. Because if this whole thing is one-sided, then the whole thing is an event. And she is just merely an actor on a stage. She's not with you. And you just write the script and hand it to her. In fact, you don't even hand her the script anymore. She just stays. She's just there. She's not participating in this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And that's, that has to be addressed. Because in many ways you've said, I need this from you. I need to feel loved. And right now in this season, here's what feeling loved looks like. And she nods at you and then goes, I don't really care about that. And often there's another side to that. Has she told you, here's what makes me feel loved and alive? Yes, she has. And what does she say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Because you have a whole cadre of actors that you rely on to fulfill these stories every night or two or three times a week. And you see how it just turns into this weird figure eight. It's this infinity loop that nobody can catch the other person. It's a strange dance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I've been in some pretty cold work relationships. I work with Kelly. I've been in some pretty cold, like, work relationships. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
where you are literally suffocating in your own home, and the way you get little gulps of oxygen is to create fantasies and stories so that you can get this physical release. And she is not a participant. She's just being used for that release, and she can feel it in her nervous system. And so then she begs for, will you tell me that I'm the only one, that I'm special?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And you outsource that to text messages and to doing the dishes and opening the door and putting your hand on the small of her back. All those are important things, but both of y'all are just trying to breathe through a straw. And unless you both sit down and say, all right, how long have y'all been married? Almost 15 years. 15 years. Here's the top 10 fantasies of mine. You ready? All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We're going to go down a rabbit hole. and y'all both agreeing curiosity not judgment all right tell me about that one why is that exciting and being able to sit in that tension in that space and i know people are listening this right now being like i could never tell the person i'm married to that i had this thought one time of and i would tell you that's the problem
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Because I know secrets kill relationships and people can feel when they're not connected. And the problem with a lack of connection with two married people who are sleeping together is it accentuates how far apart you are even though you're in the middle of one of the most intimate physical acts possible because you both know you're not there. Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Have you – I've joked about this before. It ended up not being a joke. Like it ended up with a life of its own, and it ended up being hilarious. Have you tried the John Deloney erotic envelope system? Have you heard me talk about that? No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
No, it's super hard, but you still want it to happen?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
That's super instructive. What were her things?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Because that's going to tell her, that's her clumsy way of telling you what she's missing. And your three or four or five or six or ten fantasies or sex acts, the things you want to participate, y'all want to do together, that sense of aliveness and adventure and desire and thinking about it all day and her being a full participant not for you but with you, that's what you're missing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And there's, it feels like there's not a bridge to get there. So you go through the motions, you do the acts, but you're in your head somewhere far away with, with different people. Yeah. And learning a language is a, is a way of, it's a, it's a, I'm trying to say it in a not cheesy way. It's a, it's a, it's a, it's a knowing, right? It's a coming together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
In a deeply intimate way, we have done a thing, we've been through a hard thing, and now we have a way of communicating that no other people in our life do. Like the depth of intimacy in there and that request is so deep. But since it doesn't involve like, I don't know, a new outfit and some weird music and some like, whatever you got in your head, it's easy to bypass the sensuality to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And so here's what curiosity looks like. I'll just walk you through it. So I want to learn a language with you. That's when you pull out of the envelope and you're kind of bummed out because you were hoping it would be like some wild like, all right, here's what we're going to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And she pulls out one and it's some weird like exotic sex act you've conjured up or you saw in some movie back when you were 19 years old, whatever. And here we are. And so immediately there's a little bit of disappointment from both of you. All he wants is my body. I'm not even a participant. All she wants is to just not be erotic and not whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Think about the tension building and the play building and the arrows that would be in your home. If you both, and I'm making something up here, you both learn Spanish and then you went on a date in Spanish. And you both were people like you were both from Spain and you went to some, you see what I'm saying? Like this thing could end in this wild romantic night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But it's about getting the layer beneath the layer beneath the layer. You know what I'm saying here? It might sound like a lunatic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I also know that this can be incredibly terrifying and very lonely. And I hate that for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Is the interest in, I'm not interested in being a member, I don't want to be a cast member in that particular movie? Or is it, I don't want to have that adventure with you? I'm not interested in sharing, I'm not interested in that particular rollercoaster.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
There's no good here. There's no good here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I think that's the question. Because my guess is there are some things that people say, I'm just not comfortable with that. Or that hurts. Or I don't feel good. That's part of it. And that's just about open dialogue and talking back and forth. But often, if there is a pattern of performance, a pattern of I am... I'm just doing this for you. But I am not a... I'm not doing this with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Can I tell you an alternative hypothesis? Yes. I think you are upset slash confused as to who you've become. And it's easy to connect to... I have a close buddy who had an affair, was such a left turn for him. In a million years, would never be that guy. And instantly... wrapped up in that relationship to try to make that work because that was the only path to redemption in his mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Then just another layer, another outfit, another whatever. Another fantasy to layer on top of that. I'm not really interested in that. But I don't want to be an actor in your movie. But if you'll let me co-write a script with you, I'll be in for that. Uh... That's good. Okay. And so the layer beneath it is I feel loved when you've been thinking about me all day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I feel loved when I know that you can't keep your hands off me. And so what world would we have to create where that was possible? And her saying, and you saying with her, this sounds like one of the most valuable things she values with you is your time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And so what does that look like? But I feel like there's a lot of whack-a-mole intimacy up on top of the surface here, and there's just lower layers. What's your chief fear in this marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And she just said, you're right, I don't want to know you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
What feelings? I don't even want to know him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But do you also see how you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Things were bad seven or eight years ago. No question. And you have a woman telling you, like, I really didn't care about you. You were a safe bet. And I needed a warm bed to sleep in. And so... I was willing to high five you a couple of times a week. I didn't really care about you. And you felt that every second of your life, seven or eight years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And did you, did you have somebody on deck during that time? Do you have a coworker that made you laugh or somebody that you texted back and forth with that you thought, man, this would be my, my off ramp. Not really. No. Okay. So you just were all alone in your misery. Yeah, I was pretty lonely. Okay. So your body put a GPS pin in that. And now you hedge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You don't tell the full truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Because that would have gotten you burned seven or eight years ago. And what it's hard to realize is the house is on fire right now. And so you're not going to tell her everything. She's just going to continue to, you're going to live in your head and you're going to act it out in real life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And she's just going to put up with it. And you're going to find yourself back in that same pattern of she will participate a couple of days a week because it keeps you happy and it keeps the money depositing in the direct deposit. And as much as you're in your head during those times, she's for sure in her head thinking about other things. Right? Like bills or laundry or whatever else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But not what you wish she was thinking about. And it just creates what y'all have already had. And that's different than sitting down and saying, I want us to build something together. And giving her the opportunity to say, I'm not doing that. Because you've got to deal with that issue. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. And I know it's terrifying. Do you think she's going to be out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Or that she's going to force you to say, okay, then I don't want to be a part of this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Okay, here's what's beautiful about what you just said. There's no chance this ends. Zero. And so now, all you have to choose is one or the other. Do we want a home of Eros and desire and playfulness and fun and connection? Or do we want a house of loneliness and performance and a descending misery? Because we're not going to leave. And one of those seems infinitely more fun than the other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I have a friend who's a woman who just completely poured her soul out to somebody. It happens all the time where I can't believe I've become this. And you never set out to be somebody who would be the other woman, who would date a married man, fall in love with him, sign a lease with him. And then there's this picture in your mind when you look in the mirror of
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And one of those are both, I mean, the playful, fun, Life's pretty hard. Let's just have as much fun as we can in this deal. It means we're not going to have sex all the time. And it means not every night of sex is going to be the Super Bowl. There is just going to be boring marriage sex sometimes, and that's great. It's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And there's going to be what one woman told me, it feels like a warm hug. It's just connective. It's not adventurous. It's not that. It's just gentle connection. Good time. And then there's adventure nights. Then there's fun times. And there's also, hey, what does intimacy look like outside of the bedroom? Let's sign up for a dance class together. Let's do, oh, you want to do things with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I'm going to make you a priority in my life. We're going to co-create. We're going to co-write this script. You're not just going to be an actor three nights a week. In my head. And that's just a totally different life. And bro, just so you know, you're not alone, man. This is the state of modern marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Two people expecting the other person to fulfill them instead of sitting down and saying, dude, let's make something amazing together. And it's not going to be amazing all the time. But let's build towards something awesome where we laugh a lot and play a lot. And I'm going to concede here and I'm going to compromise here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I don't even know why you're kind of into this because it's kind of weird, but I'm going to play along as long as I feel comfortable and I feel safe. And that's too weird or that's super painful. All right, let's have that conversation. Let's just have it. And sometimes the Eros is in the conversation. Tell me more about that. What is it that's exciting about that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Where did that even pop into your head? Right? That can become some of the most intimate conversations and learning. And you learn about your fears, learn about what you're into, learn about what scares you, learns about what really makes your heart start beating. Man, what feels a little deviant, all those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Man, you get to share that with somebody, especially anchored in, we're never leaving each other, ever. Gosh, that sounds amazing. But you both got to be willing to go for it. Go all in. I'm grateful for you, brother. Thanks for being open and for giving me a buzz.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I think the conversation that I would start with if I was in your situation would be to take my wife out and say, hey, I realized over the last four or five years our marriage has gotten good. It's gotten real good. But I've made you an actor. in my world, in my movie, I want to write something with you. Let's do this together. Let's go build something amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Oh, you're the kind of woman who does that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And in so doing, I want you to tell me beneath, let's do a class together beneath. I want you to wear a nurse's outfit together, whatever the thing is beneath all that. Like what kind of world do we want to create? What does that look like? Thank you so much for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. All right, you know this. I'm a founding member of the Anti-Internet Club.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And so now you have a vested interest in somehow making this thing work with this guy to almost to build a wall around the collateral damage here. I'm going to tell you, the lack of character of this man is so powerful. Because it's not like he had a workplace crush. It's not like he got it in over his head. It's not like he had a one-time affair. He took someone along his fantasy ride.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I think I'm the only member. But listen, I'm all over the internet these days. You are too. And as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our email addresses. We're buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account trying to sell me stuff, all kinds of stuff, and I hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I also know it's not going away anytime soon, which is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites, and they send reports throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And right now, I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allows me to let my guard down just a little bit and feel some peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
This holiday season, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
All right, if you're still with us on New Year's Day, there's three highlights from this past year of the shows that performed pretty well on the internet. Kelly, what's one of your goals for 2025?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We can just agree to disagree on that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I think you've pretty much won the lottery on this one. Okay. I've got several. I'm trying to think in what order I want to talk to him about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I guess, I guess the big one is, um, yeah, kind of like you mentioned the last two or three years has really been, um, kind of, uh, circle in the airport on, in an airplane on, I try things out a lot and I do a lot of 30 day challenges and N equals one experiments. And I try this gadget and this program or whatever. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I think 2025 for me is a season of flipping a switch, which is making some peace with some things to really put into practice some of the things my buddy Lane Norton says and Sal says about – and Jordan decides to like, am I going to hate myself anymore? I'm just done with that season of my life. First half, right? I'm just kind of done of not liking Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I'm going to make some peace with some things and really settle into – No, this is just how we do life. We move and we treat each other right and we take care of things and we don't buy stupid stuff and we don't man line red number 30 and blue number 40 or whatever those things are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Yeah. And the idea, even this morning, today's a packed, packed, packed day. And I won't get done working. I won't walk off stage. I've got an event tonight. I won't walk off stage till late tonight. The thought of... what can I do right now to feel awesome today? Not a thing I have to do, but what's a thing that I can do to feel awesome today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
He used you so badly. And by the way, you used him after you found out because he becomes a way to get fully emotionally invested without ever crossing a line, right? Because you know he's anchored at home. The whole thing is zero good that can come from this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
and um that's just such a shift right like i just want to feel great and so i'm gonna lift and i'm gonna eat something healthy and i'm gonna go outside like just some little things like that that um again it's just flipping a switch i think sal's the one who says the man who loves the journey will always walk further than the man who's got a fixed destination and i love that idea right so that's that's that's it for me i'm just i'm done uh
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I'm done just hating on Deloney. So I'm kind of finished with that. And so now it's time to... I'll get there eventually. It's a long... Let's slow down. That's the 20... We got 2026.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
The journey. It's the journey. Hey, love you guys. Seriously, write down. Write it down. Who you want to be this year. And then keep listening to our show. Keep passing the show around. Hit the subscribe button. Thank you for being with us and making 2024 a wild, memorable year. And just hang on to your hats because 2025 is about to set off. Love you guys. Bye. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You have to cut it off. It's like, it's like stopping drinking. You can't just keep going to the same bar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You can't have alcohol in your house. I've got friends who've been in recovery for 20 years and they can be around it all day long. That doesn't bother them at all. But that first, that first couple of years, it's, it's scorched earth. I can't be around the same people. I can't go to the same places. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And at some level you have to get some, whether you have to manufacture it or you have to just let it go. I can't believe you're not enraged at what a lying sack of crap this guy is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
No, it's not hate. It's rage. Like hate's kind of a waste of time. I'm talking about like, Like a guy that would sign a lease with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We're running the best of the best calls of 2024. Kelly, you know some of the ones off the top of your HEAD?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Can I tell you something? You still don't know everything. Because I promise you he tells his wife something different than he's telling you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Promise. Promise. I don't talk to that woman at work. She's kind of crazy. She follows me around everywhere. She always is texting. All I want to do is be with you. We built this life together. I work with a crazy person, but I can't get a new job right now. You're the other story. But you can't control that other story. You can't control what a spineless, lying coward he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You can't control what kind of spineless, lying coward you are. Stop. Just stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Like, man, last year I really did a lot of drugs and burned a lot of houses down. But like... Hashtag new year. And everyone's like, yeah, you go. So I love new years. You just think everybody's like control, I'll delete. Let's try again. And I love it. I love it. I love it. So if you're listening today, I'm glad that you're here starting your new year off right. And we're going to run a best of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Ah, there you go. You created somebody in the world and you backfilled it with that dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
But you also haven't done the hard work to backfill reality with you. You're a woman who's continuing to be attached to a married man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
And I think you're worth more than that. I think you're better than that. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Yeah, but I can hear you gulping it down. I want you to stop. I want you to feel it because you're really good at passing over how much all this hurts. Is that fair? It's sitting right there at the top, isn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Mm-hmm. It hurts that you were lied to and it hurts that you found yourself having acted like this person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Well, here's another, here's a second alternative hypothesis. He was the safest person for somebody to get involved with who is commitment phobic. Because you can go all in and imagine this life and way deep down, you know, it's not going to come true because he's got a wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Well, and you probably have a history of dating people who have built in, like, have shown their true colors already as you're getting to know them or as you become involved with them, and they leave you, and this guy will find somebody to cheat on you with and leave you, and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And you'll say, see, I told you, Lucy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
So you have to decide you're worth somebody being somebody's only one. Which means you have to risk getting hurt. And by the way, like just from a data perspective, you've proven it to yourself. Like that your way gets you hurt too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
You can't fix anything that has happened up until this point. You can do the next right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
We're running the best of the best calls of 2024. Kelly, you know some of the ones off the top of your AGAD?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Of course not. Nobody does, man. That's why I'm not screaming at you. And if the roles were reversed and he was on the phone, I'd be mad at him because he's married. But nobody plans for it to get like this. I get that. But somebody has to call it at some point and not continue the fantasy train right off a cliff. And by the way, you can't...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
I don't think you can make this switch long term that doesn't come from a place that you believe in your bones that you're worth more than this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Because if you don't, you're going to break up with them because you're pissed or you're angry or like some indignant like, yeah. And that kind of like when there's like a great painter or musician and you walk up to him, you're like, I need you to know you changed my life. That's amazing. But that doesn't pay the light bill, right? Like it'd be cool if you bought a record or a ticket.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Similarly, you can break up with somebody because you're enraged. That doesn't make the 2 a.m. loneliness go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Right. And you have to decide I'm worth it. That doesn't make the loneliness go away per se, but it does. It's backfilled with a sense of virtue and character and worth. You're just worth more than this, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Oh, I was going to say, yeah, because it's setting in. Kelly's starting to slow down. I'm glad you got them written down. What's up? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
What has your therapist said about all of this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
God, Lucy, lead with that next time. That's awesome. That's great radio. All right, so did y'all get in a fistfight out in the parking lot? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Greatest Hits Vol. 4: The Best of 2024
Oh, I wish we would have had that on record. That would have been awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Listen, I hope you're doing well wherever this happens to find you. And today we're gonna do something a little different. I do interviews on other podcasts all of the time. Like all podcasts from all over the planet. Some of them you've heard, some of them you have not heard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You're right. But on the other end, you and I talk about it all the time. I came with this idea for these little— I thought it was a unique idea. It turns out it wasn't. They're everywhere. But conversation starter cards. I've got an email that I saved. It's hilarious. That Dave Ramsey was like, you're wasting my time and my money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And like, I don't remember what it was, but it was a funny response email. Like, this is not a, why are we doing this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then he has multiple times said, yeah, I was wrong. I was wrong with a lot of zeros on the end of that one, right? It ended up being a great thing that helps people and it sold a lot of products. And so like, but when he said when, not him, but when the whole thing was, I feel like I'm fighting my company to do a thing that I believe in. It wasn't a moral, ethical thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It was a thing I wanted to do, and they didn't want to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Dude, my wife loves me, and my kids like me. That's right. And I've got four same knuckleheaded buddies. Right, who have no clue about any of that. That's where my anchor is. Yeah, I agree with that. God loves me. That's where my anchor is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm hyped for you to hear it. Thank y'all so much. I love y'all. Enjoy this bonus episode of Front Row Seat with me and my friend, Ken Coleman. Rock on. I left the back door open. We pulled into the driveway. My dad looks at me, and he said, I knew it. He pulls a gun out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
A close buddy of mine is a psychology professor back in Texas. He asked a question one time, and it haunts me still. He said, what if we lived our lives every day like we couldn't move? What conversations would we have? How would we forgive? What little annoyances would we let fly by? But a conversation you and I have a lot, we've created this world that our bodies weren't designed to live in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We can all pack up and move. There's companies that'll come pack up and move for you and your new company will pay them to do it. It's so trans, like everything's transitory. But we have to remember, dude, we have these little tiny bodies that were designed to live in small tribes forever and to go around. And if your body woke up and realized, let me say it this way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If your body recognizes you don't have anybody that you're all you've got, it would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. Because you're all you got. It would be failing you if you have, if it let you have a deep, connected, sexual moment, intimate time with your husband or wife. Because it's not time for sex. It's time to not die. You don't have anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Then we blame, oh, you got anxiety. Oh, you're not eating well. Oh, you're like... All of this stuff, in my opinion, distills down to a brain that is screaming, you are all you've got. And if you have to be responsible for... Provision and security and rest and children. And your body says, we can't sleep because we're on now. And you can't do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That jumped out to me to make sure— You have to go first, and you have to be weird, and you have to treat it as serious as the pending stroke that it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So I moved from Texas. I lived in Texas 40 years. And— Like so much so that when I told my family, my dad and my mom, and they lived a couple hours from us, so we were all pretty close. Hey, I'm moving out. Like my dad had like a, oh, you're moving that at Texas. I mean, it was that kind of like, hey, you know, Al Qaeda's waiting for you at the Oklahoma border.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And like, you don't leave Texas, right? And so, but we moved here. It was priority numero uno. I have to have a couple of guys that I meet with all the time for breakfast, for going for walks, for lifting, for something. I have to have that. And here's another hot take. I don't think that's best at work because...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If you're best friends with the people you work with, that is so amazing until it's not. And if all of your human connection is at the workplace and one of you gets let go, one of you gets downsized, one of you gets demoted, one of you is a great friend but just can't do this particular job as it's morphed and you need to do it. You used to go to concerts together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You used to go to church together. Your kids used to play together. Now you can't go to concerts. Now you can't go to the same church. Like it blows up everything. So it's good to be friends and colleagues, but you have to do the hard work of having friends outside of this place where you don't have to be on. You can say, I know it's inappropriate. This is real funny. Look at this, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Where you can say, dude, my dad said he don't want me to come home for Thanksgiving. I remember distinctly, one, two, three, four, maybe four jobs ago, having a hard conversation. I was working at a faith-based university and I was going through like a gnarly season of, I don't think this is real anymore. I'm wasting my time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
What I know now is a normal late 20s, early 30s guy trying to figure out what he believes. That hard conversation was honest and vulnerable. And that guy told one guy, told another guy, ended up in a performance review, right? And so my immature response was, I just didn't tell anybody anything for another 10 years. And then I almost blew up everything in my house, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So that's a dumb response. So when you go to a new place... You'll call the electrician, the electric company to turn your electricity on. You'll turn your water on. You have to then take it that serious. We've got to start inviting people over. I agree. We've got to go meet our neighbors. We've got to go. Right now, there's a researcher out of Florida State.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
His name is Thomas Joyner, and he is one of the most renowned suicide researchers. And he talks about a three-legged stool and there's been some debate about it. But when you're trying to do a suicide assessment, is this person actually going to hurt themselves, right? And we know about means. Do they have an ability? Do they have a bottle of pills? Do they have a weapon? Like, do they have that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And there's multiple conversations, but here's the one that stuck out at me. Perceived burdensomeness. When you get in your mind and in your body that those who love me would be better, the greatest gift I could give them is to not be here. Other people's lives would be better if I'm not here. And you wanna go one step removed? Look at the culture we've created overnight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If I called, not you, but if I called you at 11, I was like, hey, will you give me a ride to the airport real quick? Or you called me, my first thought would be to just Uber. Right. Sure. I don't ask my neighbor for eggs anymore because I just Instacart it. I don't ask somebody to help me move. I just hire some guys. And so now we have created a world where we think we're a burden for everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And that begins to weigh on. I'm not going to call them, dude. I don't want. I'm not going to bother them with. Now we know the greatest gift I can give Ken is, hey, you got five seconds. Can you help me think through this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Right? That's right. The greatest gift I can give is when one of my buddies calls. If somebody calls and asks me to move, I don't want to be your friend. But other than that, that's the worst, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But like to feel needed is like a core human need. Yeah. And so we've taken that out and we have made it all a transaction. That's right. And so we're all walking around with this underlying low-level hum that we're, We bother other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My wife came downstairs in the basement and she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. The stuff that makes us human, all that goes away. The times in history when that's happened, it ends very poorly. We've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And it would be better if we just did this. Yeah. And then we move. I'm not going to bother my new neighbor. I'm not going to. You have to or your body's going to implode on itself. It's just that simple.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I tried to always keep in check this sense that I'm not worthy to be in this conversation. So I know there's a common Instagram-y thing like, find the 10 guys that you want to be one day and you go see what you can learn from them. I think that turns every human interaction into an ROI, into a 401k. I'm going to put this in and hopefully I get this out of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I think that's the death of true relationships. So... The joke around here that's not a joke was I had an 18-month ramp-up plan for this new job. I'd never been on the radio. I'd never been on podcast. I didn't know anything about this. I just joined here late January 2020. The world melts down in March. And then just a few months later, Dave Ramsey's like, I hired you to help hurting people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My biggest aha moment of studying marriage over the last year has been... Somebody said this in a meeting and I was stunned.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Everybody's hurting. We're going to figure this out on the air. So my first time on the radio was on the second largest radio show in America, okay? The very first episode, maybe the second one, he said something, and I don't remember what it was about, but I remember saying, that's not right. And you could feel the... I didn't know enough to know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You don't tell Dave Ramsey on the Dave Ramsey show that's not right. It started a great conversation. He loved it. The audience was like, who's this guy? But here's the most important thing. I didn't, I wanted to add value to what I was doing. That's what I thought I got hired to do. And I didn't put my self-worth into whether this other guy likes me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My wife likes me and my friends like me and my kids like me. And so I think when you are trying to find other men in your life, other women in your life, those that we want to hang out with feel the globbyness of... You know what I mean? They feel it. Instead of... Nice shoes, man. And you might get some... But there will be a guy that's like, dude, that guy, like that's my guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Does that make sense? And so I think where can I add value to something? Like, hey, let me help you with your yard. Or I've got a neighbor who's doing a thing like, hey, let me watch your house while you're gone. He doesn't know me, right? But now he knows, oh, you're the kind of guy that offers to watch my house when I'm gone, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Hey, you're kind of creepy, but also you're probably my guy, right? And so I think it's how can you add value to somebody's life? And maybe the other way to say it is just be a good person. Right? But then the other thing is you've got to go be weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
you got to have the reputation of the guy that will tell the truth. Like, I just tell the truth. That's right, because you'll attract, I get what you're saying. Not like, I'm going to call out, I'm a guy who calls out. Right. No, I'm just a guy that tells the truth. Like, if I say something dumb, Ken will be like, that's absurd. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And not because, like, Ken's a guy that calls out friends, but it's like, Ken just tells the truth, which is why I love Ken, right? Like, I know he's going to tell me the truth, even if it's different than what I think, right? But that's who you are out in the world. That's fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But I think you have to flip that and I got to go first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So let's take someone like as well-known and famous and powerful as Dave is. Like my dad loves me. My wife loves me. So I don't need that from him. What I need is a trustworthy boss, a trustworthy leader who's going to lead the company. And I need someone to teach me the ropes, right? I don't know how to play guitar. And now I'm all of a sudden on stage and he handed me a guitar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I don't know how to do this. And also, I happen to be by one of the most well-known financial minds of the world. So he's my, like, right? And he needs me to tell him the truth. If he calls something on the radio, I'm like, I don't think that's right. And so there's this, I'm not afraid to be like, dude, I don't even know what you just said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
and I didn't know enough, he would go through this long explanation of a mutual fund on air and I'd be like, Hey, could you say that? This is on air. Could you say that like I was a fourth grader? Because I don't really understand what you just said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Then they're like, dude, the audience loves that because sometimes it, and so it's, I'm not scared to look dumb in front of him because I haven't outsourced, please tell me that I've got value. That's not his job in my life, right? Which allows us to get closer and closer and closer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And now I consider him a great friend and he's wise and he's helped me with some really gnarly stuff in my personal life. But it's because I'm not scared to look dumb, right? But it's that going back to going first. But all of it works on a domino. It's like that's because this stuff at home is okay. And that allows me to go out and be like, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So we've created the loneliest generation in human history. And we've taken that to our homes. And we've asked our spouses to be everything. They have to be co-earners, co-parents, co-house runners. You have to be hot until you're 95 and still sleeping together. You have to like the same things, go to the same things, eat the same things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The thing that drives me probably, if I were to take a 30,000-foot view, is... kind of an obsession with making sure my son, who's 14, and my daughter, who's nine, never enter into a space in this world where they don't know they can't come home. And that starts with saying the right things and doing the right things, but that also starts with me not being radioactive, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so what that means is I've had to do a lot of heart therapy. I've had to admit to some stuff that I want to talk about, right? I've had to be honest about stuff that happened to me as a kid. I've had to do the work to heal. And then I've had to learn, like, go down a rabbit hole to learn the stuff. So that's probably the biggest one. The second one is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
just sitting behind closed doors with people who've got everything, right? And it kind of happened accidentally 20-something years ago. And I think most... People are pretty good. I think most people are doing the best they can. And when situations rise up, they open their toolkit and they don't have a... They don't have... They have a hammer and a chisel. It's all they got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so they try to solve problems with what they have. And so I think where you have a culture that tells you why you're wrong and tells you what you're doing wrong and you said the wrong thing and now you get in trouble for thought crimes. Now you can't think something. You can't ask a question anymore. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I just think it's important to provide a picture for here's what it looks like to not have all the answers, but to provide a picture of what it looks like to sit with hurting people. And I don't think we have that picture anymore, right? Like I don't want to yell at my kids anymore. I don't even know what that would mean to not do that. I don't have an alternative. I keep going in my bag.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That's all I got. So I think to answer your question, like to help other dads, to help other moms, to help other folks have a picture for what it looks like, right? There's the Andes, there's the Hubermans of the world who are brilliant neuroscientists. They know how to do all that stuff. That's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I want to apply that so a single mom with two kids can know how I can do this one thing better with my kid. So those are the things I think that drive me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm asking you. So the pull, the boat I get dragged behind is, my sister was a savant and my little brother was real smart and I was a stupid kid. I was the jock. My dad was a homicide detective and a SWAT hostage negotiator. And so I lost every argument I was ever in my entire life. And I learned, I will learn how to dance with words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My mom was told at the family she grew up in, she was not allowed to go to college. You will not go. You are a, in their particular faith, like you have a role and it is to not be educated. You will find somebody to marry and you will stay at home. And then at 42, she went to college and she's in her 70s and she's still a grad school professor right now. And so I'm getting dragged behind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
No, wait, I'm smart too. Maybe if I get the right degree, the right certificate, then somebody will finally turn around and be like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The guy who's a dad now, the compassionate guy, knows that my dad was a homicide detective. He sat with people who were going to go to jail forever, all day, every day. And then he had me, who shows up as a ninth grader, playing in punk rock clubs, right? And he knew enough to know, oh, that's the trajectory for my son. I see where this ends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Well, so when you do jobs like that, when you are a physician, when you're a preacher, when you're a cop, when you're in the military, if you and I were walking in a dark alley and there was somebody walking on the other side of us, and we took that track a thousand times, 998 times, There'd be no eye contact. We would just keep walking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
No human being can bear the weight that unskilled modern marriage is putting on a single person. And so what you have is two people who are good at co-managing the house. I'll get little league practice. You get this. I'll make sure we call the plumber. I'll get the trash out. And you have absolutely no shared purpose or building anything together. And life becomes so quick and so fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
One time out of 1,000, that person would pull their hood off and be like, hey, I got two tickets to Michael Bublé. You guys want to go? And I would be like, yes. And Kim would be like, please don't, John. Like, right? That's what happened. One time out of that 1,000, one time out of 100,000, that guy would pull out a hatchet and chop me and you to pieces, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
My dad's entire life was dealing with things that never happened. which was somebody got murdered. And I think this is a lesson for all of us and I've really wrestled with it. When you go to work and that's your job, it's easy to become your whole life. There's a hilarious family story that's not funny at the time, it's funny now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
As like a eight or nine year old, we went to baseball practice and I was late like always. I ran out the back door, we get home from baseball, I'm in a North Houston suburb, like the worst crime that went on was like, kids said bad words, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I left the back door open. We pulled into the driveway, and my dad just got back from baseball practice. This is before, like, concealed carry. This is way back in the day. My dad looks at me, and he said, I knew it. and I didn't know this, he pulls a gun out that he's carrying and goes in and clears the house. And I remember being nine, being like, that's probably a bit much, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like, but that's his whole world. And so I think when he saw a loud kid or a wild kid, it's easy to go, Worst case scenario. That's right. Because all I do all day every day is worst case scenario. And so, yeah. You felt that. Absolutely. Did he say it? I remember maybe the hardest conversation we had was, I know you like music and I know you do this, but I can't support it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So I'm not going to tell you no, but I'm not going anymore. And I remember that kind of locked in. Yeah, let's stay there for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It goes back to that thing. It's funny. I never connected that. Ken, well done. It goes back to that thing I said with Hank and Joe, my kids. There will not ever be a line you cross that you won't turn and I'm not going to be right there. And so I knew, oh, at 14, there's a line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You can continue. I've crossed the line. But you're going on this one by yourself. And I'm going to stay here. Whether it's because I can't support you, it's because I don't like the image and reputation. Whatever it is, there's a line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I was an arrogant high school kid that listened to a lot of Pantera, so I was like, oh yeah, okay, right? So it was kind of, I can do this. Was it an I'll show you? No, because I knew early on that I'll do it in spite of you. I'll prove it to you. Jet fuel, it burns real fast. It burns hot, but it's not long. But what I did do is I started finding alternatives real quick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so the guys who were in that little punk band of mine, I talked to their parents more than I talked to mine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like, I'll find other adults. And in a weird way, my dad, halfway through my childhood, and I don't remember when, he stopped being a cop over a weekend and became a minister at a large church in North Houston. And I remember him saying, which is so wise— I'm now your minister. You won't be able to hear me. You need to find some men that you can trust and go to and talk to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I did not know how, what a gift that was back then. But I took it like, cool, that's fine. Now with new tools and new ideas and more, you didn't go to therapy back then. You didn't go to a counselor back then unless you were quote unquote nuts, right? And so my dream for me and Hank is when he comes to that moment is
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm going to go sit in the front row and you're going to have to do this looking at me, right? Like watching. And I'll tell you, I don't think that was a wise thing or I don't think that's smart or I don't think that's good, but I'm going to be right here. Everybody wants to, we talk about like, you want to be better, like you want to make more money than your kid or than your parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then I go to work and me and you and two amazing women are working together on a project that's going to help 10 million people. Now we have shared purpose. We're talking about how we feel about things. We have a goal. We have metrics. I'm spending more time with her or him than I am with my spouse. That's right. And the time we're spending together is rich. We're laughing, telling jokes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I mean, everybody wants their kids to do better than them. And so hopefully I have that same sort of, my dad has that same hope that like, all right, I'm going to take that and I'm going to remember that and I'm going to keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You'll find no more insecure person than me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Dude, I've had body dysmorphia issues since I was a little kid. Where does that come from? My parents were on, again, this isn't the blame my parents are. No. I think the meta is your kids, whether you say it or not, they absorb your home. They absorb messages implicitly, explicitly. And kids are, they have to because they're a weaker vessel, right? They have to know, am I safe here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And they feel it. They absorb it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
um my parents were in the newspaper for being weight watchers for how much weight they lost right and so there was a there was always a we're always on a diet we're always it was a thing right and that's back low fat was coming out and weight watchers was coming out and jenny craig was all these things were coming out they were the first oprah they were right they were everywhere and so i think you take take the message of aesthetics is really really important
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And you combine that with me being a Texas high school football player. And so I was playing in front of 5, 6, 7,000 people every weekend. And you take that into having acne. And you take that into, I was a good kid. I went to church, but I also liked punk rock music. And so I never really belonged. I never had, I never felt like, I always felt out of sync, right? I'd been out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Even this morning, it's just me being as honest as I can. I'm working with a guy out of California now on a 2025, like the new year, new me. And I had a weigh-in this morning. It was a bad weigh-in. And my wife came in, and she didn't see anything. I didn't say anything. We've been together 25 years now. She felt it, and she just walked in and gave me a big hug. She felt whatever was on me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And it was those old demons, like, really?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
A, struggling with the global anxiety that AI is going to take everything from me. We're going to get to that. So I've told this story, and I don't know if you and I have talked about it, but it's the blast radius from this conversation. And I'm in the middle of writing a book on anxiety. And... I'm laying out for America how to not be anxious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And my family all came for Christmas and they'd stayed. I'd invited them too long. They were trying to oblige me. And it's one of those things that we all have. Everyone's just had enough of everybody. And then I think I got COVID right after that. And then I got some, and I'm downstairs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
completely fried exhausted writing a book and you know book writing season is just on top of everything else and so it's early mornings late nights my head's somewhere else all the time um and i'm working out in the gym because you don't ever skip a day right like right and my manager calls And we were close to paying off our house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And he called and said, hey, there's these two speaking gigs that we're going to be shapeshifter for our family. I'm a cops kid, and my wife's parents were two school teachers. The idea of having no house payment was like dragons, right, and unicorns. It wasn't ever going to happen. He calls and goes, hey, man, you got a second. And I was like, yeah. He goes, hey, you know, two speaking gigs, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I chased him down. Here's the deal. And I was like, and he goes, he starts yelling. He goes, we got him. And I was like, what? And he goes, for sure, I inked this one. I'm 99% sure on the other one. I started cheering. Like I'm getting goosebumps again. I started cheering in the basement. I'm sweaty, gaunt, exhausted, sick, yelling. Yeah!
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So much so that my wife came downstairs in the basement and I'd set up this huge gym. It's really fancy pants down there and it's kind of rad. And she's smiling. Like, what are you yelling about? And I just got off the phone and I was like, we got them. She's like, got what? And it's like, I got this thing and wherever in Phoenix, I got this other thing and wherever. And I was like, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And my wife is so, when things get wild, things get wild out in the world, I get real calm. There's like a shooting or I got to go do something heavy, crisis. I get real calm, real still. And my wife will kind of get tense, but in relationship stuff, I get real amped up and she gets real calm. And so normally she would back up, head upstairs, knowing we need to talk. She didn't do that this time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
This time she came in and got real close, like this close. And she said, I'm watching my husband die and I'm watching him cheer the whole way. And dude, I got mad. I was like, what are you talking about? I just gave us the best news possible. And she said, the pie chart for how much I love you, the pie piece that is how much I love you, is how much money you make is full. It's full.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And she said, you can go do these speaking gigs. I told you when I married you, I would never tell you no. Go. But don't you dare say it's for me and for the kids because it's not true. It's for your ego. And, bro, I was beside myself. Right. It was a bucket of cold water. Right or wrong, it was cold water on you. And she looked at me and she said, John, we have enough. She turned and walked up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I remember yelling after her, what the hell is enough? And it wasn't yelling at, she was upstairs. I have like a rule about not yelling in the house. But I was like, what the hell is enough? And so here I am two years later. That was the single most important conversation we've ever had. Because from that, I went to therapy. From there, I sat with an oracle here in Nashville who...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It doesn't matter. It's oxygen. Because of the intoxication. It's oxygen. Right. It's oxygen. Yeah. How many of us go home and we pull into our street and you just... Right. Right? Right. And so it's worth everything. It's all positive at work. It's worth everything. I'm picturing this. But even when it's negative, y'all are negative together. Right. It's y'all two versus the boss.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But recently I was a guest on a podcast that was so great. I asked if I could just drop the entire episode as a bonus episode in my podcast feed. My friend Ken Coleman just came out with a brand new show called Front Row Seat. And I don't say this lightly. I think he's the best interviewer in the world. He's been doing this for like 20 years. And he interviews people from all over the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We had some, I talked about some deep, dark stuff that my wife didn't even know about that had happened to me as a kid, just hard stuff. But from there has been a always asking, do I have enough? Or do I believe I've got enough? What am I putting my trust in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's the constant struggle. Do I need to do this because it's right? Do I need to do this because I'm helping other people? Do I need to do this for my ego?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
or do i need to say no and make sure i'm at this weird third grade play right i'm not super certain my daughter's dressed up like a blade of grass and i don't know what we're doing here but i i can see her see me right and again going back to my original i want her to always know um yeah that the old man's got me right um and so i get all the way back as i'm chasing that bomb blast of
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I need to make sure I'm doing this next thing for the right reasons and making sure that my wife and I are locked step on whatever the next thing is. Because what I found is it doesn't matter how much money you make, dude. The demon's still at the table, bro. It doesn't matter how many followers you have. They're still at the table. It doesn't matter. How many books do you sell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The demons still have a seat at the table, and it doesn't shut them up. And so now that I know that, you know, you read about that, you hear about that. Now that I know that, now I can make different kind of choices. Thanks for sharing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Man, that's an amazing question. It's actually that right there. That question is what's consuming me. I have my clinical diagnosis OCD. I get obsessed with the question. I can't stop. And so that's the question that's haunting me right now. About a year ago, I went to our admin that we share and I was like, go to Amazon, buy every book on marriage that exists. I wanna like figure this thing out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Best I can find so far is secrets will destroy marriages, big ones, little ones, teeny tiny ones. The things like, hey, those little hairs in the sink drive me crazy. if you just sit on it and sit on it and sit on it, right? Then it turns into something over here. So secrets will destroy a relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The second one is you have to have, like the got my stuff, I love you, you distill all we don't, you have to be friends. You got to be friends. And I think friendship, it's an art, but it's also a science. It's a series of things. So here's a good example. I have a buddy that every time I go back to Texas, we all hang out. And we've watched the fights before the UFC was the UFC.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Even pride fighting over in Japan. I was obsessed. We've been super fans forever. We still get together. He always... always, Tim, leaves all the cans out when we're hanging out. Always. Always. My house, his house, other people's, always. We've yelled at him, made fun of him, just picked him up. Now I've been friends for 30 years. Whoever just picks up the cans.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Not one time have I ever driven home from watching the fights with him. with anger in my heart and tears in my eyes being like, what is he trying to tell me about our friendship? What is he trying, right? And then I go home and it's one in the morning because the fights went late and there's two wet towels on the counter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I put so much insane existential weight on every sneeze, every move, every snicker, because the third thing is going to that root She's the only one who really sees me. And if I don't give her a map to tell me how she can show me, tell me, let me know that I'm loved despite it all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
then I'm always gonna be wondering if every little thing, every little, I wanted to make out tonight and she wanted to watch TV. I wanted to do this and she wanted to go here. I wanna eat at this restaurant, she wanna go here. It's setting off that little GPS pin and maybe she sees this part of you, she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it. Does she, does she, does she?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so that's where all the great researchers, everybody talks about, they call them love maps. I call it a roadmap. You gotta give somebody a path. And Hollywood lied to us. There's no such thing as I see you across the other side of this ill-fated boat and I'm just gonna know your path to your heart. No, that's just dumb. It's insane. I have to say, you know what I need in this season?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like just us going for walks. My wife said something awesome the other day. She, yeah. She walked in and I was doing something and she goes, sit down on the couch. I need to borrow your nervous system for about 20 minutes. So we turn on an old Brooklyn Nine-Nine episode, the old office episode. And she just curled up against me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
They don't see your snot rags by the bed. They don't see you not flush the toilet. They don't see any of the stuff that makes you you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then when it literally was over, she goes, cool, that's what I needed. And that was it. But she, that was her telling me, I need your warmth and your strength. And I need your, like you're healthy right now. I just need to... Breathe up against my husband. What most couples would do in that moment, and by the way, that's lots of us almost breaking up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We don't have a perfect marriage, but anyway. Most couples would wish he would come over there and do that. And they would see him on the couch and get really pissed off and then go in the bedroom and then start scrolling or then go to find what that other guy that they were dating before is doing. And then, and then, or text, just do work emails.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then there's a funny emoji inside joke from a guy that she works with. And now you're off to the races.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
right and so you got to give somebody a map and by the way that map changes over time like the five love language maybe maybe gifts are important in this season maybe next season just tell me you're proud of me maybe the season after that is going to be passionate and peeling the walls off every hotel you go to right maybe and then like so it goes in seasons which means i gotta show back up and check in how can i love you today
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Well, it's like, give me one thing I can do that will show you I love you today. And so it's simple. It's be friends. It's the little stuff. It's just, dude, just pick up the towels. Just pick them up. Like, good God, stop. And pick them up. And then if there are the big things, let's have that conversation. And then you begin to create a path where y'all can go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's you and y'all two versus the world, man. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's like a John Cougar Mellencamp song.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I know a lot of dudes who protect and provide. And sometimes your family, or your family always needs a direct deposit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
They need that provision. They need money. They do. And I think everybody needs to be able to take care of their family, at least to get them out of a situation, right? They're not all gonna be Krav Maga instructors, but I need to know how to handle myself to get my family to a safe place, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But a lot of times, more than anything, especially in the modern world, our wives need us to provide our full attention. The greatest thing we can protect is not them from bullets. The greatest thing we can protect is their sense of feeling untethered because they feel like our job's more important than they are. And so using those same protect and provide words,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I guess when the research came out of Stanford a few years ago, that there's no such thing as multitasking, it's not real. I was convincing all of these brand new employees, most of my, like when I was working at universities, out of a jillion employees, but most of them, it was their first or second job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And it took energy for me to say, hey, if you'll not do everything, if for one hour you'll close that door and just work on this, you'll do it better, faster, and it will be way richer. And so one of the conversations I have with entrepreneurs a lot is if you'll stop for a minute, and get this really right, you will be stunned at how it tunes your engine and how fast y'all can go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So a follow-up to that conversation in my basement, I am busier right this moment than I ever was when I took that phone call in my basement. And my marriage right now, it might not be when this thing airs, but right now, I could not have, I would have bet you everything that it would not be as good as it is right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's as synced as it's ever been because it's not about the busy and the scattered. It's about, do you see me and still love me? Do you see me and still love me? And here's what that means right now. And my wife has to know that this is more important than a blog post. She does, right? And vice versa. So I appreciate that. Ian Simpkins, he's a pastor here down the street.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
has a great quote that he told me once when we were having lunch, and I wanted to slap him. You can't slap ministers, right? But he said, hey, if busyness is your drug, rest will always feel like stress, man. And when he said that, I was like, oh, you can get high off being busy too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
However— That study exists for marriage, though.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Here's my most eye-opening, oh my gosh, they're right, is exactly what he said. My biggest aha moment of studying marriage over the last year has been Let me back up. So working at universities, everybody's real smart and they get PhDs in these things and they study one sliver of a thing forever. That's what they know. And they know everything about that thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I found, I remember I was at a place at a party one time, whatever, and I was asking somebody like, what do you think about this? What do you think about this? And I think the thing I asked was about DEET, bug spray. Like, because it's a neurotoxin, it'll kill you. Like, hey, physician, ex-researcher, do you, what do you think about, what do you think about DEET, bug spray?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Oh, it's this and this. It's a neurotoxin. It melts this. And here's how it works in your brain and all this stuff. Then like a couple of months later, we were at a party and I saw her spraying her kids. And I was like, ah. That's what you believe about bug spray. And so I've just stopped asking people what they think. I've started asking them, hey, what do you do with your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Because that tells me what you really think about it, what you really believe about it. Or hey, what are you doing with your life? So if you go look at... Most wealthy people, strata-wise, they are married. And if you dig into the data, the single most decision, the most important decision you can make is who you marry. Correct. And if you marry well and you work really hard at it,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
There will be, it is a compound interest multiplier that you can't fathom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And let me tell you, the least important compound interest multiplier is your net worth. Who freaking cares? If you have a ride or die and y'all get through life and it's awesome. Here's the thing. We try to, dude, now I get all passionate about this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Because that's my wealth. Everything about you is better. But here's the problem. My grandparents got married right before World War II, and then World War II set off. My granddad went off. I think he was in the Pacific, but fighting Nazis, fighting bad guys, right? Then they had four kids and they had to survive. And then he came back and went to college, got engineering, like did all this stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then when he died at 73 years of marriage, I think, my grandmother dies shortly thereafter. And we had some good, fun conversations. She was a riot. But she lost a lung. She lost an arm and a leg. They were one. After 74, 73 years together, they became soulmates. And now we try to reverse engineer it and pick the soulmate on the front end.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I think for me— It's, I get those boundaries are great and they're good. I think everybody has to check themselves wherever they happen to be. And I think we've hit the pendulum really far in unsafe ways, right? Or not unsafe, but it's not smart. It's not smart. If you're attracted to somebody, don't go to lunch with them, right? Those are some low hanging fruit things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then after four years, I don't feel in love anymore, or I'm not feeling attracted to you. So foolish and stupid. When you're in a trench, I don't care how you feel, bro. We got to dig out of this hole we're in. We're married now. We have a mouth to feed. We got two mouths to feed, right? And so you can't reverse engineer it. You have to look at somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I don't want to oversimplify it, but it's this easy. You and me, will we decide for the rest of our lives that I'll wake up and decide how can I make your day, how can I make your life as good as possible? Will you commit to doing that with me? And if we do that together for the rest of our lives, we're gonna create something extraordinary. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And by the way, it's not gonna be pain-free, no life is, but when the storms hit, we've got each other. When your mom gets cancer, when my dad passes away, when we both lose our jobs, when 2008 happens again, which it will, and our houses get taken from us, We will be all the way in on the boat. So he is 100% right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The wealthiest of the wealthies still get married, and they still hang in there, and they still figure it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And, dude, it's like – The current world we have, when you, I love how you said step up. It's like getting a squat rack. And when you get under a squat bar and you're married, you look at somebody and you go ride or die, me and you, I do. I'm telling my family, I'm telling you, I'm telling God, you're my person. That weight goes, it's heavy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then you put kids in there, it gets real heavy, but that also means you get real strong. And sometimes you fall and you get hurt, but you get real strong. Right now, we have this insanity that the most important thing is net worth, job title, and then everything else that comes after it. Work should be in service to this thing that matters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
For me, I think that's symptomatic of if me and my wife were building something together and my chief purpose is here, Then work becomes a thing I do. And you become an amazing, beautiful woman. And you become an amazing, attractive. Like if this guy right here walks into any room I'm in, I'm going to feel safer. He's handsome. He's humongous. He's got great muscles. I'll just feel safer, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so you have a bunch of folks that have a bunch of commas and zeros in their checking account. They have no strength. They've never been under the squat rack of responsibility. That's right. And that's where life is. You know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Mm-hmm. By the way, you can feel it with adoption.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You can feel it with your own... You can, but it's about being in service to... That's right. Instead of about being a net drain on. Isn't that... It's so true. I remember... Dude, I remember... There's another hot take. You may disagree with me on this. I remember watching that amazing ESPN documentary on the Bulls with Jordan. Sure. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
But I remember there was a scene with him. It's haunted me. He's in that hotel room, smoking a cigar, laying on the couch. And there's a cameraman. And down below in the lobby, it's packed with people. And he looks at him and he goes, you don't want to be me. And I remember thinking, oh, that guy can't go to the bathroom. That guy has no human interaction unless the person is on his payroll.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
He has no friends. Nobody he meets who says, I want to marry you, he'll never be able to sleep at night thinking, is this pure or not? And then I kept seeing those like five or six like pieces of cloth hanging in the rafters of a gym. And I kept asking myself two words, a two word question, for what? You gave up your whole life for what? Shiny stuff? Cool. Like for glory?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We all end up in the same box, man. We just end up in the same hole in the ground. Like for what? And so when I hear these, and it's for the chance to be great, fine, good, that's a whole other conversation. But when I talk to 25-year-olds, 27-year-olds, and it's like, no, no, no, dude, I gotta make this and I gotta go get this. And I always ask, for what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That's right. And that's what goes back to, I'm busier now, but I'm not in service to this nine-year-old boy who's still saying, am I loved, am I loved, am I loved? That's right. For the first time after some good therapy, when my wife says, hey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I want you. That's right. I believe her, right? I believe God loves me. I believe my dad's proud of me, even if he didn't say it in this magical kumbaya way that I wish he'd said it. That's right. I believe he does. And so now I can work even more hard. I can go even, I can go further. I can go faster because there's in service of something bigger than me. That's right. Right? Which is awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so I think to not believe that's real is me not telling myself the truth. It is, right? The other side of it is, It doesn't impact me in any way because what I'm building is here. So I think you can build these things, and I think they're wise and important, and everybody's got their different boundaries. This is where I wish more people focused. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That's right. All right, let's go back here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
As a leader, if you ever forget. that everything you're doing is in service to a downstream customer and you make it about you, your position, your title, you're standing with your supervisors, your shareholders, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If you ever forget, we make pizzas so that, because we want to make the best pizza, we make pizzas at a price that even a single mom who's just trying to figure out how to feed her kids can, we can put food on her table. If you ever forget that, whatever it is you do, then the whole toolkit, it doesn't matter what you have in there because you're just swirling to the toilet bowl of your own ego.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Everything's in service to you. So if you never forget, that's the thing that I think makes Dave Ramsey magic. I don't know any CEO of a multi-hundred million dollar company that still sits with the front end consumer three hours every single day. If the CEO of Domino's Pizza did the lunch rush five days a week, that company would look different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So Dave talks to these people every day on the radio and then we'll be in a meeting and I'll say something dumb like, well, I think that they will. And he's like, no, no, no. I talked to her yesterday. Here's, I heard it in her voice. He's right a lot, right? Maniacal about the truck driver who just has had enough with his life and he wants to change it, right? And so you can't forget that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
The two tools I think when you're sitting down with your employees is A, just learn the skill of listening and don't immediately think that your team is dumb or wrong or somehow stupider than you. And they may not have the full picture. They may not have the full understanding of what's going on. But gosh, learn how to listen, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then the second thing is learn the skill of letting people do their jobs that you hired them to do. Like you hired me to, I don't know, be your jobs expert. When I come to you with stuff, don't fight me on it, right? I'm telling you. Like, let me help you do the thing you hired me to do. And I think... Yeah, I think that micromanagement burns people out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I think the people feeling like nobody's listening to what I'm saying. My expertise or my lived experience here at this job doesn't matter because they already made their decisions up. I don't know. You might have more to that, Ken, than I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Mine is much, much more existential than it is. Okay. I think we all got a—everybody got a real-life case study on a universal basic income.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Y'all stay at home. We're just going to send you a check. They did that, and we all went mad because that's not how we're designed. That's like saying, hey, y'all quit going to the gym. We're just going to give you muscles. And then you realize going to the gym was the whole point. That's right. And so, yes, the occasion that you need to lift something heavy, fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
There may come a day in your life when a car falls on a woman in a grocery store parking lot and you lift it up because you've been working out every day. That probably will never happen. Getting up and going to the gym every day makes you up. I mean, there's neuroscience to that. It makes you able to do hard stuff throughout your life. So I think we got a ringside seat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
So for me, yes, every couple of centuries, there's technology that comes along and uproots everything, right? 150 years ago, we were all farmers and then all of a sudden we're not, right? The pace of how fast this is happening, I don't think people understand how big the wave is coming. So it's fast, it's coming fast. But bigger than that is we've seen what happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And if every one of our things that makes us us, which is cleaning up, saying thank you, getting underneath the car and trying to fix it, like the stuff that makes us human, if all that goes away and we are left to just be, the times in history when that's happened, it ends very poorly. And this is like something we've never seen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so for me, it's more about we've created a world our bodies weren't designed to live in. And this is the exclamation point at the end of that sentence. I think it's valid. My wife vastly disagrees with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Well, I think it's how many of those will be left. So we go back to 150 years ago. We all farmed. And I'm making that number up. I don't know how—100 years ago, 200 years ago, we were all farming. And then tractors showed up. And because of that tech, they didn't need us to do that. So right now, what is it, 3% of the US farms? Some minuscule number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Now, after 150 years, we all work with our minds. That's what we do. We get paid for our opinions, our thoughts, coming up with a business plan, coaching people, diagnosing people. That's what we get paid to do. And if we've just come up with a new tractor, that can answer any question you have faster than any of us, more accurately.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Already the AI in my field can diagnose a mental health disorder, psychiatric disorder, can do mental, I mean, can do physical diagnostics better. They can scan you. There's retinal scan. I mean, it's coming so fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Can you put a hand on somebody and say, I see you? Yeah. That's it. So will there be a moment when 3% or 5% of us are paid to think of their minds. And what's the next iteration? And my wife thinks, I think she's right, is human care, right? Who's going to sit with the aging population that we're about to get hit with, right? As this generation ages up, who's going to be with that group?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so there's that sense of, but can I, here's, let's put a bow on this whole thing. As a young, insecure kid, the way I dealt with my insecurity, all like growing up is, homeostasis. I'm going to control every variable in my life. I'm going to keep everything the same. And so what I've learned about myself is change makes me, like my wife craves change. She loves it. It's a gift. It's a season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
It's the springtime, then the flowers start blooming. For me, it's We got to get all the summer clothes out, man. We got to put all these jackets away. I love these jackets. How hot's it going to be this year? And so I know the angst, the existential angst is inside of me. And so that's the only thing I can control here. And so for me now, it's fun to pontificate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I don't know if it's true or not, but when the deep seek thing dropped the other day, I heard Meadow was caught totally off guard and that actually freed me. Like, oh, if the guys in the space didn't know this was coming, what am I gonna do sitting here on my little acreage outside of town? Like, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I think nowadays that's flipped too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so any worry or existential angst I put on it right now is a choice to be miserable in the present. That's a stupid thing to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I think you recognizing that. Or calling that out is, I think, the most important thing. And working back, like, it blows up everything. Everything. And divorce has become so common. I can't tell you how many calls I take on weekends and at nighttime. Somehow somebody got my cell number and they call and we talk. I'm three months into divorce proceedings. I had no idea it would hurt this bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Presidents, rock stars, athletes. He's just the best of the best of the best. And I got to be one of the first guests on his brand new show. He asked me questions I have never been asked before. And he's... I don't mean this in the proctology kind of way, but he's a prober. He's good at asking the question behind the question behind the question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I didn't know idea that my kids won't look at me. I didn't know idea that I have to make this choice now. And I could see my daughter three days a week. And so it happens so much that we think it's just routine. And I think understanding how tragic, how devastating divorce is. And you're going to get a bunch of comments on this. They're like, it was the best thing that happened in my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
When people ask, like, should we stay together for the kids even though—like, no, fix your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Fix your—like, go back and have that conversation. I just don't—you can't—like, fix that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Right? As though it's some foregone conclusion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And then the other side of it is you'll blow up your career.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You will be the man or woman who—I can't trust you if I can't trust you with that. If he can't trust you, how can I trust you? Right? And I think— we don't think through those things. And so recognizing how devastating it is, then maybe the right boundary for you is, dude, I don't even go in the same room. Like, because that's what happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Let's dig into this. When it comes to the leader, if you can't treat your people with dignity and respect and you can't tell them the truth, please, for God's sakes, quit because you're ruining their kids' lives. You're ruining their teachers of their kids' lives because teachers have to deal with that kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You're ruining the police officers' lives who have to put on a bulletproof vest and pray to God they don't get shot when they show up at that house at night because nobody slept. Yeah. Quit your job. Stop. Because you're a massive domino. You are crushing communities with how you treat people, period. And so I think – so there's that on that side. Quit your job. Stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
If you ever think I have to yell at an employee, quit. Get out of the system because you're hurting people. Stop. Right? That's not – don't have high expectations. Don't have high demands. Don't like –
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
require hard work right that's of course you do all that stuff right but make sure you create an environment so the seeds can grow if you plant a bunch of seeds and you stomp them out every day and then you blame them for not growing that's just it's it's insane stop here's the other side and this is the other hot take i think that information is more telling
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
about the state of the US worker than it is about leader. And here's why. We have pulled the strings, and we've done this in the last 50 years. And so on a timeline, it's a blink of an eye, right? It's this fast. We pulled the thread on faith. Nobody goes to church. We pulled the thread on, like we all mostly believed when we went to the doctor, they were trying to help us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We talked about everything from why people aren't having kids to workplace affairs to why I'm really freaking out about AI, why my wife isn't. And we talked about so much. As you can imagine, things got off the rails in a good way. There's audience participation, just kind of a rad show. I've never really been a part of anything like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
We don't believe that anymore. We mostly believed politicians lie and they're crazy, but that they want what's best for, we don't believe that anymore. We thought when I sent my kid to school that they would come home and not get killed at school and that the teachers weren't teaching them banant. We don't believe that anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And so overnight, we've pulled the thread on everything that holds, the tapestry that holds societies together. And the only place we get together with a shared common mission anymore is a workplace. And now the workplace has to tell us how to treat people who don't look like us with dignity and respect. That's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
That should be taught to you by your parents and your grandparents and your church. We don't do that. The workplace has to have meetings about how to be sexually appropriate because our parents and our families and our churches didn't have those conversations. The workplace holds everything, but most important, the workplace holds, we've outsourced our worth
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Like you hear me say this on my show, probably every show, you're worth being well. Like you have to believe that you're worth that because we outsource it to work. And then when you outsource that to work, and by the way, you're indebted up to your eyeballs on a car payment, a house payment, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
I'm so desperate for A, your approval, and B, I've outsourced my well-being for my... That's right. I've outsourced my roof and my food to you. Please, please, please. That's right. And so I've given you permission to drag me around now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Some of my greatest friends are bad leaders. I wouldn't work with them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And I ended up talking about things I've never talked about on any other podcast. I don't even think on this show. So anyway, I didn't want y'all to miss it. So I asked, hey, can I just drop this in there? And he and his team said, rock on, dude. So do me a favor, give it a listen and go check out Front Row Seat. It's a brand new show on YouTube, wherever you get podcasts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
You and I, like, we co-host another show, and we teach people how to, like, get out of debt, right? That sounds cool, and it sounds funny, and Dave Ramsey's, you know, is like, it can be a meme, and it can be a whole thing, right? We know that. But there's something beneath that, that when another grown man tells me, you will do with us, and I go... I'm not. Right. Oh, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
Because I'm not outsourcing my dignity to you. And because I drove a Corolla for 14 years and my wife and I lived – like our mortgage person made fun of us back in Texas. She was a close friend of ours. She's like, hey, you qualify for this. Will you stop being embarrassing? And I said, no, no, no. We're going to buy that house. Because of that, now I can walk through my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Bonus Episode: Things I’ve Never Talked About Before
And for me, it's easier. to do the serenity prayer when I know I can just walk right out the door. And it's not easy, and it's not an overnight fix. For me and my wife, it was 15 years. It sucked. It was not great. But man, you know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night at ramseysolutions.com slash tour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
You've got a great picture in this book that I'd never seen before, and I love the way it looks. And it's about something different, but I think it relates here. Because really what this person is asking is, herself is can I stay married to somebody who's not romantically interested in me? Right. Can I stay in this? Yeah. We have an 11 year old and a 14 year old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
One of the most common questions I get on this show is, how do we communicate better with our spouses, with our kids, with our romantic partners, with our bosses, with our friends, with our neighbors? Man, in this conversation, we get into some details on how to have hard conversations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
We've been married almost two decades. Is this going to be the rest of my life? That's the question they're asking themselves. And they keep putting that on the other person. Am I going to stay with you? Am I going to, you help me. Yeah. You have a graph in here where it talks about somebody asks you something, saying maybe. And it has discomfort. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But then the discomfort just goes indefinitely until this thing happens. Right. And when I saw that, I started laughing because I'm so guilty of saying yes to a speaking event. And then being mad for the next two months at you for asking me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I said, yes. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But then you had the next picture was saying no and having discomfort high and then falling off. Exactly. And there's something about you're going to get the answer soon. Should we stay married? Yes. And if you keep looping like this, you've been married 17 years, it may be 30 years when this thing finally dissolves. Exactly. And so you've lost almost 15 years of your life. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Right. Waiting. And so how do you teach somebody to get to the question they're actually asking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
That's a fascinating take, Jefferson, how often we go into a conversation, especially a difficult one or potentially difficult one,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
the answer is secondary yeah i want to feel a certain way when this is over exactly and no other person can give us that right and so if i ask you are you cheating and you say no i expect to feel better i'm not gonna feel better no because i wouldn't have asked that question if i already felt good about our relationship you got it or you say yes i'm gonna feel and so there is no way that conversation can win
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
We also do a lightning round where we take your questions that y'all sent in via social media and we answer those. It's an amazing conversation. I walked away, I learned a lot and I can't wait for you to check it out. So buckle up, pull out a pen and a paper and enjoy my conversation with my great friend, Jefferson Fisher. I want to talk about the four most popular questions we get on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I'm going to have to stew on that one because I think that's, I think that's a huge chunk of the marriage conflicts I enter into sitting with people is I wanted to feel a certain way. And it's like, what? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Okay. Last one here. We're seeing an epidemic of people cutting their families off. I think one out of every four questions we get on the show has something to do with, and again, I'm going to put, I'm going to put abuse way out here, right outside the bunker. Um, When I was, my parents had me in their 24 and they didn't give me fill in the blank.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
My dad is 62 and he votes this way and he won't shut up about whatever. Or every time we go to their house, they're watching this particular news channel, pick your news channel. And I just won't, whatever. And then brothers and sisters. So the question here is, what are conversations we can have to find out or maybe to still down? Is this a relationship worth cutting off, worth ending?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Or is there just some relationships worth preserving even though they're annoying or they're going to be uncomfortable?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
You're talking about in person. So much of this nonsense happens in the imaginary zeros and ones world, right? Yeah. Like, I hate you because of things that you hearted on somebody else. Oh, my gosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
It's this domino effect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah. We have an ROIification of human connection these days. Whereas every person who's around me has to be some sort of, for like some sort of net benefit to me. Right. And when someone's quote unquote, not serving me. Yeah. For some reason, that objectifies friendship and neighbors and parents in a way that's not the way people should connect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Oh, okay. And there's like five years of me rattling off answers. And I'm going to hand it over to you because I don't think I'm doing a great job because I keep getting the same questions over and over. Giving me five seconds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Got it. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Or have you experienced life untethered to your mom and your dad? Right. Because it comes at a cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So these are four common calls I get and their challenges here. All right. So I'm going to read you how it comes into our team. All right. All right. So people email in or they call and leave a long message.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Even if they vote weird and they've got, over the holidays, my mom was explaining to me about how she's figured out this world. And I was like, all right. You know what I mean? Yeah. But she also, I'm sure I left and she's like, he doesn't even know. She's still my mom. You'll learn. Yeah, of course. She's still my mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But that also means... And we'll get to this later on in the show. That's the teaser for it to come back. But that means you and I have to be whole outside of that interaction. Absolutely. Because if I need you to serve me so that I can breathe, that's too much weight for another person to carry. Yeah. If I've made myself dependent on your supply, that's a problem. That's a problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Because that means I'm using you like a Xanax. I mean, then I'm a parasite. Like a Flintstone vitamin. That's it, man. Exactly. Awesome. All right. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st. Listen, you heard me say this a thousand times.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
You're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost. 90% off your first week. Let's be honest. We all spend money on things that we hope will make us feel better, like streaming subscriptions, new clothes, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of y'all are even essential oil people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But when it comes to actually digging in and getting real about our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. Please hear me. Your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. And I know actually going to therapy can seem like a huge first step, but it's more accessible than you think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Most people I've seen like they call in and you're listening to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
BetterHelp makes therapy more convenient because it's online and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Your wellbeing is worth it. And this offer makes it easier than ever to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Right now, BetterHelp is offering 90% off your first week of therapy now through March 31st, 2025. This is the biggest discount we've ever offered on this show. 90% off your first week. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get started. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So here's one that somebody wrote in. My husband treats me like a maid. I'm a stay-at-home mom, which my husband sees as being unemployed, so he's constantly bossing me around and making messes everywhere with the expectation that I should automatically clean him up because, quote unquote, I don't have a job. Now he's complaining I treat him like a roommate and I'm not affectionate enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I don't mean lame AI influencers or scrolling and scrolling and scrolling. I'm talking about all the screens in our homes and our offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I use Bond Charge products literally all of the time, every single day, and I love them. And here's why I think you'll love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. Red light therapy can also help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go check them out. So talk to me about this book, dude. It's awesome. Thanks, man. It's fantastic. Thanks, dude. I was hoping it was going to be terrible, and it's not. It's really good, man. It's frustratingly good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
That's funny.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So control, connect, and confidence. Yeah. You launch into this thing, and I don't want to give away too much. You launch into this book with, when I turned the page, I started laughing. I was like, well, there's 95% of my life. And it is, don't try to win the argument. Don't try to win connection. Talk to me about that. That's my whole life. That's funny. With my dog, I'm trying to win.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But the truth is I don't feel affection towards him anymore. He just feels like a mean boss. And so for me, the meta question here is how do I say what I want or I need, what I need without sounding horrible?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
That feels like it takes an astonishing amount of inner confidence to be able to exit a conversation when you know the person wasn't right. When you know the person, I remember the first time I, I call them mini depositions. It was student conduct matters, but their room was surrounded by attorneys, right? And so I'm not technically getting deposed, but you're getting deposed. You are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I remember, it was a mutual colleague of ours, Rob being like, hey, stop talking. Stop. And it was like, I have to, and it was like, almost like a, be confident. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Like, just say what you need to say and be quiet. Yeah, absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I realized my need to keep talking was because I wasn't super, super certain about what I was saying. Right. But when I think about that with my spouse, when I think about that with my kids, when I think about that with my kid's teacher.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Where do we get that inner confidence? Because I think you have to have that to be able to say, I don't have to win this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I remember this is right when I was starting this new weird world that we're in. It is weird. And I saw an interview with Jocko.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Oh, nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And the interviewer was like, all right, so somebody steps to you and your wife on the streets in San Diego. Like, what do you do? And I remember him just quietly, well, I'd probably just grab her hand and walk across the street and get on that sidewalk. And I remember, I'm paraphrasing it, but he said, what? But what about, like, you got to defend her honor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And he said with a smile, if it takes me beating up a vagrant on the side of the street, like, to show my wife I honor her, I have failed her in every way. But it was like that. I remember going, oh, that's tough. That's tough. That's confident. And then he went on to say, there's a handful of men on earth that can defeat me. He's like, I can, but the flex is. Right. And I guess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So he knew he had that power, though. And that gives you the power to walk away. Yeah. Yeah. Are there situations where I'm trying to think of something outside of safety when I've got to dig my heels in? Is that ever a worthy move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
We're officially in a fight now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Man. Okay, here's something else I took away from this book that was pretty heavy. Thanks for reading it, by the way. No, man, it's outstanding. It's frustratingly good because I can't write that good. I want to talk about, it's kind of a, I'm going to bridge the gap between that question and the next one. Okay. How do we try not to win everything in a world that's always competing with us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Because I think the temptation is just, I'm going to take my ball and go home. How do I stay present at a table? And you do this for a living. How do you stay present at a table, unhooked from every other emotionally reactive person?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
It's the worst. It's like hitting somebody and they just look at you. Yeah, exactly. It's Will Smith and Chris Rock. He hits him and he just looked at him. And I was like, oh, that's bad. It looks bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
It does, but it will reverberate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So I guess the next evolution of that question is talk to me about defensiveness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I guess what that communicates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Right, right, right, right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
That makes me feel like you're weak when you say that. Yeah. But also, because I want to be like, when you say that, I'm getting defensive about that. I feel like... Like, if that's the goal here. Well, it's because you're a bully. That's why. That's right. But also, it is, I keep going back to fighting analogies, but that's you creating distance from us. I can't hit you. Yeah, you got it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I'll swing again, and that's you saying, like, I feel my body doing X, Y, and Z. Mm-hmm. And so I'm getting out of striking distance. And as a guy that's trying to fire you up, that annoys me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So... I would say the next derivative then is actually I don't know if they're looking for an enemy as much as they're looking to feel justified being in a soup of their own feelings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And the way they can feel justified in feeling miserable is if it's your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Can I tell you what the biggest thing I left with this book? Yeah. And disagree with me if you're like, that's not really what I meant. This may be one of the top three or four countercultural books I've ever read.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Oh, that's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Okay, here's what I mean about that. Yeah. I don't know that I've read a book in the last 10 years. Maybe Arthur Brooks. Mm-hmm. that I closed the book and thought, Jefferson sees more capability in me than I do. Oh, that's awesome. And if I step back and look at the cloud hanging over our culture, it is, I've got fill-in-the-blank diagnostic. I've got fill-in-the-blank childhood trauma.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I got fill-in-the-blank X, Y, or Z malady. And culture has convinced us over the last 25 years, you're irrevocably broken. Just go to the margin, we'll pat you on the head, and we'll take care of it. Because you can't. And as I was going through this, I would say like, Don't win the argument. I'm like, all right, man. But like, that means I have to just sit here and be cool. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I know me well enough to know that means I got to still go see a counselor. And that means I got to get with my wife once a week and plan the week out so that I give her some peace so that I can have some peace. That means that I got to exercise most of the time. Otherwise, I'm just kind of a ball of...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I kept hearing this, you can, you can, or don't get defensive or get up and walk away or just don't answer. Nobody in culture is saying that. They're telling you how to fight back, how to slip the punch and swing. And so a statement I've been making over and over recently is, and it's just me, kind of a refrain that I'm repeating to myself, is I'm not solving for net worth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I'm not solving for the greatest sex. I'm solving for peace. Yeah. In my house. And for me and my family, it means I'm not going to owe anybody any money. Right. If you can't take my house from me, then I'm going to be, right. If you can't take my car from me, I'm going to be, I'm at peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But nobody's telling us we can do that. And that's this whole stinking book is you looking and being like, no, you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
You can. That's awesome. Do you sense the – let me ask you this. You work in the messy ugliness of people's lives on a day-to-day basis. Right. You wouldn't have a job if injustices didn't happen to other people. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I want to give it away. That woman is, that's a great story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Your body protects you from thinking through your next steps. It just wants you to react. Exactly. And so we have an entire culture that's electric with reaction. Oh, they prefer it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And so if somebody like Jefferson says, no, no, no, I think you can. Mm-hmm. And I can lead with my breath. If I can exhale, if I can do the work to be confident when I sit down at a table, not have, gosh, dude, the most common thing I ask on my show is, does that make sense? Right. After I give this explanation, here's what you need to do next. Yeah. Cool. Cool. Cool. Like, are we still friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And like, just being able to say, Hey, trust, trust yourself. And if you don't trust yourself, maybe you don't say anything. Right. Um, That that allows me to not live in a world of reactivity. And then maybe I can be the only thinking mind at my dinner table or with my family. And when that happens, you can smile.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Granddad can say whatever and you can be like, all right. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Exactly. Hey, we're going to stay one night. It's Thanksgiving. We're going to stay one night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And we'll have fun. We'll talk politics and talk how Pfizer, we'll do that. And then you'll have a great one. You know what I mean? And we laugh all the way home. Or, yeah, I'm just going to outsource my... To everybody. It's hard. Yeah, it is. But that's a challenge. Yeah, yeah. So I guess thank you for believing in people. Yeah, absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I hope people read this and they exhale and say, okay, when I can't see belief in myself, I got a toolkit now that my dad didn't have, that my granddad didn't have, that my mom didn't have, but there's a guy who believes in me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I was able only to get it because there are people who believe in me. That's right. That's right. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
That's how it goes. All right. When we come back, we will do some rapid fire straight from social. Nice. Awesome. All right. It's sleep awareness month. So now is a good time to shout out my friends at Helix and remind you that sleep is foundational to every single part of your overall well-being. And all of us know the critical importance of a good night's sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And we all know how great it is to have a safe,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
cool dark place to sleep and an amazing comfortable mattress my helix mattress has helped me to get to sleep faster and to sleep more deeply so i wake up super refreshed and i love helix so much that i got a helix mattress for each of my kids my sister and even the revolving door of guests who come to stay with me all sleep on a helix and here's why helix is great
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
They offer a mattress for every person's different sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back, on your side, or your stomach, however you sleep, Helix has a mattress for you. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty, so there's really no risk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Listen, during Sleep Awareness Month, let's prioritize real sleep. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, and you'll find the perfect mattress for yourself in about two minutes or less. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 25% off site-wide. That's 25% off everything site-wide at Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I reached out to people on social media. My favorite place to hang out. I'm not great at it. I'm not great at it. You do fine. I do fine, but. You do great. What's wrong with you? I appreciate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I'm working on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
You have. Can I tell you, occasionally I'll be like, in my car, I'll be getting out and be like, I got something. You could. I'm not doing that in the car. Why not? That's like coming into your house. No way, dude. I got plenty of room. I love that. I'm going to start doing that. I'm going to start doing it in the third row. Let's do it. That's so awesome. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Here's the social questions rapid fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I'm ready. I posted a picture of us and said, what questions do you want me to ask Jefferson? And I have no idea what we're asking. No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Live. Live. All right. What are your go-to open-ended questions to help people open up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I would add on to that, unless you're doing a murder investigation, don't ask. Don't... Yeah, for all you out there. Yeah, for all you not investigating murder, don't try to catch people in lies. Life's too short. Your kids, your spouse. Like, you know what I mean? There's something about... Where were you last night? If you know you're at the store, you know, lead with... Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
All right. Ooh, this one's kind of close to home. Kind of cool. I'm a 1L. I'm a first-year law student who is... Doesn't like conflict, public speaking, and gets flustered easily. What are some tips?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
when you say that thing and the conversation goes bad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yes. And then we end up saying stuff that you can't get back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Or that hurt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
How do you politely disagree with someone who isn't mature and who has narcissistic tendencies?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I was going to say that one feels right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
This is kind of an aside here. Y'all can edit this how you want. This is an important question that just came to mind. Ready. Is your ability, and I need to mind myself to ask my ability, is your ability to detach yourself
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
and be still come from a place of i could eviscerate you if i needed to could you play dirty lawyer if you needed to yes yeah because i wonder i'm going back to that jocko question it's not brave if he's not one of the strongest men on earth and has to run across the street yeah right right it's brave when i could and i'm gonna go across the street here so as part of this knowing i can really hurt my spouse and i'm not going to i'm going to choose
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah. That feels like, I don't know, there's something about it that makes it more powerful. Like you need to mind yourself and know how you can hurt people so that. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But it's not a detachment from cowardice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Okay, a couple more. How do you politely disagree? Oh, we already did that one. All right, a couple more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I've never considered that, dude. That's a fascinating take, Jefferson. I'm going to have to stew on that one. What in the world is going on? This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you are with us. And dude, you are in for it today. You're in for it today. Today is a special, special day for me. I sit down with my friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And I think respectfully shutting down rude and manipulative comments from parents... may come with consequences, may come with the holiday's over, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Or may come with, we're not going to go out to dinner tonight, we're just going to go eat back at the hotel. Yeah, for sure. And I think people want to be able to, what's a magic way to say this so there's no consequence? Right. That doesn't exist, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
It just sounds like someone shot you and it just bounced off. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so like, ah, it's just so dismissive in a powerful way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
But there is something important sometimes to occasionally turn and just hold the mirror up and be like, hmm?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Or the old Brene Brown quote, the story I'm choosing to make up is you're mad. Yeah. No, I'm not mad. I'm running to the bathroom. I just needed to hit send. Exactly. Or should I read into that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so before we go, I've got one thing here that I just vehemently disagree with. Oh, yeah, this is a glaring error? The glaring error. Perfect, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
In the words of Jefferson Fisher, I see things differently here. So you write this great book. You write on page four, if you're inclined to believe that I learned my communication skills in law school, don't. Law school teaches you how to apply the law, principles of contracts, but you won't hear a lesson on how to diffuse a heated argument.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I've been wrestling with this when it comes to marriage and intimacy. Let me get your opinion on it because it's adjacent to this. I feel like I can weaponize the word need versus want. Right. So like one of my challenges with like the five love languages is when I identify a way that it feels good that somebody shows me they love me, then I tell you, you need to do it like this. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Law school teaches you how to read the law, not how to read people. I had to learn that part myself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Are you okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I see that differently. I think this is the part where you tell America and the world
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
that i taught you most of this stuff everything i know came from i appreciate that dr john deloney i gosh i just needed that i needed that i i was the feeling got stuck on page four yeah and uh you couldn't get past that i couldn't every page i would read i would just flip back i'd read 10 pages flip back and be like i think i taught him everything in this book for anybody listening that's that's how we first met
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So, for anybody listening, I don't know if I said this the last time you were on the show, you were one of those students that came in and all of our colleagues were like, hey, we got to be real nice to this guy because we're probably going to be working for him someday. Like, pretty sure. Either you or your wife. Like, we're going to be working for them, so we got to be super cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Dude, thank you for coming to hang out. Thanks, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Thanks for having me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Nothing in the world makes me happier than this. your success here. It was awesome. And for the people that you help. And on behalf of like, forget the, our, we've known each other for a long time and forget friendship and all that. I was just the dad of two little kids. You gave me a lot of language in this book that I can impart to them so that they will always feel like dad thinks I can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And so thank you for believing in me by writing this book. Thank you for believing in millions of people who will read this book. And thank you for changing the cultural conversation about you can't to, nah, I think you can. It's a blessing, brother. That means the world to me, man. Thanks, dude. Appreciate you. Later, dude. All right, here's the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
There's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health, separate from relational health and on and on. Listen, there's just health. It all works together and everything's connected. It's almost impossible to be whole in one area and completely struggling in another.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
So if you're ready to make positive physical changes that can help restore some entirety to your whole self, check out TrainWell. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
To get started, you just need to answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. And I love the workouts and my wife loves them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And we both love how they adapt to our travel schedules. Trainwheel takes away our excuses and makes working out easy, and they can do it for you too. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwheel.net slash deloney today. And right now they still have a special offer just for my audience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
$69 a month when you lock in your plan. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney. That's trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, I hope you enjoyed my conversation with my great friend Jefferson Fisher. And I think it's important to note that he did admit in front of all of you all that he learned everything from me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
when I was the administrator for one year during his grad school experience. Um, he was kind of a floundering student, didn't really know where he wanted to go or what direction he was going to have. And, um, then he met me and then he learned everything he knows. And so now he's pretty famous. And so I'm glad that he finally admitted all that on the, not really.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Um, I think I said this in the interview, um, He was one of those students that all of us on the faculty or all of us that were administrators, we all were like, yeah, we should be nice to him because we're all going to work for him someday. Yeah, it's an amazing conversation. We're going to link to everything with the book. Please go pick this book up. It truly is exceptional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Versus what I think is a more vulnerable approach is I want you to do it like this. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
It's The Atomic Habits for Communication. And it breaks it down and makes it very simple to understand. It gives you a lot of clear, actionable steps on how to make your life better. Literally, how to make your life better. We'll also link to Jefferson's Instagram pages for the two or three of you who aren't already following him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And all the other good stuff we talked about, we'll link in the show notes. Listen, take control of your next conversation. Be clear. Be concise. Use conversation as a tool to connect with people, not as a way to try to win something. And man, you will talk, you'll just, your life will get more peaceful. Thank you all so much for being with us. Love you guys. See y'all soon. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Because if I say I need to, I've put you on the block. If I say I want to, you can go, I don't want that. And that's a vulnerable thing, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Then you have to, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Okay. All right. Here's another call. My wife is constantly accusing me of cheating on her with no logical reason. Ooh, that's a tough one. Other than I always have my phone on me. She has my location, goes through my phone on a regular basis. I'm at my wits end, don't know what to do. Should I take a stand or continue to put up with the disrespect?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And the bigger question is, how do you react to somebody who's trying to gaslight you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Do you wait for an invitation there to expound? Yes. Because I would feel tempted to say, I see things differently, and then boom, immediately give the counter. But I feel like I'm playing... It's just a sophisticated way of trying to fill that hole back up. You got it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
We're running it back with the great and powerful and almost all-knowing Jefferson Fisher. millions and millions and millions of people follow him on the internets. He is a licensed attorney in the Houston area in South Texas, and he's got a thriving practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Third one. How do I get my husband... And we can edit this out if you don't want to go this way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do I get my husband to try new things in the bedroom, to switch things up, to spice things up? Usually it's the opposite problem. It's the man saying, we never do X, Y, or Z. I want my wife to be open to new things. But for us, it's the opposite. I'm not sure what to do. I feel like we're at a stalemate. He seems very closed off and isn't just really interested in me anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And so the bigger question here is, I think it's two questions. One, how do you approach a topic with your partner that's highly sensitive, that you know you're pushing on a button? You've gained 40 pounds. You're not coming home anymore, and you and I both know what that means. I want to try some things romantically.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And then I guess the second question is, I guess reverse, how do I bring up a topic that I know like tears are right here or that heartbreak is right here, but I got to put on the table?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Mm-hmm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
And a few years ago, he got in his car and started making helpful little notes for people to use on how to communicate well, and it exploded. And we had him in 2023. It was the top episode of the year. And he has a brand new book coming out called The Next Conversation. It's an outstanding, outstanding book, How to Argue Less and Talk More.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
I often find in relationships, especially romantic relationships, that the phrase, we need to work on our communication, is proxy for they're not doing what I want. Yeah, when they say we, it's usually like you got a mouse in your pocket. He needs to work on his communication. Exactly, yeah. Or how do you help the person in this case? She already feels like an oddball.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
She already feels like there's something wrong with her, right? And so that makes the conversation more personally sensitive. And she's not getting the answer that she wants.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
At some point it feels like, oh, I just need to say it in a different way. How do you teach somebody to exhale and say, no, you got the answer that you got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Yeah, I think that maybe the magic is trying to find that balance between... I'm not communicating in an effective way versus I don't wanna hear what the reality, the truth here is. And so I'm gonna keep going back and going back and going back. Hoping for a different answer. Hoping for a different answer, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Praying for a different answer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
That makes me grief, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
We don't have a psychology culturally for grief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Conflict Expert: Simple Frameworks to Make Hard Conversations Easier (With Jefferson Fisher)
Is that because they don't know or they can't handle that answer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And the first step there, Building a Non-Anxious Life, the first step in the path is choosing reality. And there's a series of questions in the back of that first chapter that are like, all right, here we are. What's true? And use that as truth. And I'm going to send you a copy of questions for humans, intimacy deck and the questions for humans, couples. And I want y'all just to begin learning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And this is gonna sound crazy, enjoying each other again, becoming friends again, y'all are doing the meetings, y'all are fixing stuff. I want y'all to remember being friends to And then talk about, hey, I want to go hang out with my friends. Good, thank God. I want to watch this stupid show. Hey, I don't like going to comedy clubs with you. I'd rather go to a jazz club.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Can you go with your friends? Yes. Okay, awesome. And we'll begin to build that life. I don't like traveling so much. Maybe we're going to look for a new job. Or I want to have a baby right now. And our conversations, and I'm not ready. I'm done with that conversation. I'm ready for this now. And we can start saying what we want and put that on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Well, balance is insane. So trying to achieve that is like a myth. It's like trying to catch a dragon. It's like not real. But... I don't see these two things that you laid out as opposites. I see them as recursive. They work together. So tell me what you're struggling with on either side of the equation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
All right, let's roll up to Manitoba, Canada, and talk to Big D. What's up, David?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
How much of her, to use your words, being on your case is about weed? And how much of it is she loses her husband? Or her husband checks out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Yeah, that's fair. That's a fair point for sure. Two things are important about the reason most people say if you're going to be sober, you've got to be sober from everything. One reason is I've got a couple of friends. If they have one beer, they will disappear on a three-day Coke bender because it just hits a domino.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
One beer turns into six beers, turns into who's got cocaine, turns into where's so-and-so. So that's one. All these things are dominoes, so I've got to stop everything. I can't drink a glass of wine. I'm not going to touch champagne. I can't go into that world, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
The other reason most people will say you have to abstain, you have to live a life that is sober is otherwise you just trade one addiction for another, for another, for another. And so my question to you, just like as a buddy, just as a guy sitting across the table having nachos is like, all right, gambling helps you feel alive in your own skin. Alcohol helps you not feel pain in your own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
What is weed giving you? If your wife uses the words, not present, checks out, then there's something about you being in your own skin that you don't like. What is that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Yeah, I guess the scorekeeping is going to be some relational baggage, man. It's just going to be hard to overcome. I should be able to. I get to. Man, if you struggle with alcohol, man, you just don't get to anymore. My understanding, which is limited, to what some of you guys in the Canadian military are experiencing is very, very challenging. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
A, just from a personal standpoint, I'd love to see you get to the root of that or to come up with some strategy. And if it ends up just being that, then it just ends up being that, right? I'm not in your shoes and I'm not going to throw grenades at you. But there's something that's underlying that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
The bigger thing is, it sounds to me without talking to your wife that in her, she's able to point at the weed. She's able to point at legal cannabis, but it sounds like what she's telling you is I miss you and you go away. My wife tells me the same thing because I'm a workaholic. And she'll use the same words your wife does, which is you're not present.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You're sitting at our kitchen table and your head's a thousand miles away from here. No, that's something I'd consider for sure, yeah. I have to consciously have a ritual to leave work at work. I have to say no to money. I have to say no to projects because my wife is saying, I miss you. You're not here. The kids miss you. Your family, your life is missing you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And so if I have a job that I have to do and I have to medicate my regular life outside of my work so that I can get through it, man, I really would love to get to the bottom of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Did you not drink before you got in the military?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Well, and so I don't want to overgeneralize here. But the people I've spent time with who are both veterans and the people who I've spent time in the recovery community, which is a bunch on both sides of those, and you happen to fit in both of those camps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
If I was to distill down one central challenge they both have, that is the ability to believe that somebody else would love them just for them, not for what utility they provide. And I'm wondering if your wife is looking at the man that she loves and she said, I ride or die till the end of time. I will be by your side. After six years, A, I miss you, and B, I'm losing you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
No, no, no. She's trying to take you for you. And you keep trying to talk to her through a green haze. Yeah. She's trying to come get you. That weed is not you. That weed is you protecting yourself. And you lashing out at that woman is not. That's you trying to protect yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You know that. Yeah. Oh no, no, no, it's true. Um, no, I do. Here's what, if you, if you were, if you were my buddy here in town, you know what I tell you to do? Use the last six months in the armed forces to have to do recovery on their dime and just try. What do you mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I don't know what resources they have. I don't know resources in Canadian military, but if they've got meetings, if they've got places where you can go, here's what I'd love you to try. I would love you to try to get sober, stone sober, with the resources and the structure that the military is going to provide you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Because you're telling yourself a story that's not true, which is once you are free from this structure, that then things will – you're going to unspool rapidly. And so unless you have a very systematic transition plan that very few veterans have, if you're just waiting for the day to get done so you can ride your motorcycle free and go, ah, I can do whatever I want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I can wear whatever I want and grow my hair however I want. It's going to be a rude awakening. You got 20 years of somebody telling you when to jump and how high. And freedom is amazing, and it's unsettling for your nervous system. And, dude, you think that's what you're going to come off? Bro. No, no. I would love to see you try to get sober with structure right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And if it is painful and you find yourself lashing out and you find yourself angry and you can't sleep, that is the alarm bells that you need to run towards, not away from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Well, I mean, I, I, the single greatest, uh, what do you call it? Rationalizers I know in the planet are my, my, my closest loved ones, my friends that are in the recovery community. They can get me believing that the sky is red and, Like, they are so good at just twisting reality in a way. I'm like, I think you're right. It looks blue to me, but I'm pretty sure it's red.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Like, they're just the best rationalizers on the planet. And so, yeah, just speaking as black and white as I can, dude. And by the way, you're going to do what you're going to do. I can't, I'm not going to be there with you. You can do what you want to do. I would just ask three things. Number one, never, never, never, never threaten your wife with separation. It's cold. It's cruel, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Don't do that. Be a better man than that. The second thing is be intentional about what y'all are going to build together, something that you are not going to run from the military. You're going to build something that you're going to go towards. What is it? A small business, traveling, a new adventure. We're going to have kids finally. I don't know what the thing is, but go towards it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And the third thing is while you still have an alarm clock on you that you got to wake up for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
man i would love to see you get stone sober for six months and really deal with the demons because going from gambling hundreds of thousands of dollars to alcohol since you're 17 to daily wheat like man it just tells me your body is wrestling with some kind of demon and the weed keeps it quiet the weed works the gambling works for a minute till it burns your house down alcohol works man
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I'd love to see you live a life where you're just free. You drink coffee in the morning because you want to. You just fall asleep at night because you're tired. You and your wife just have wild, passionate lovemaking and adventures and dinners and meals because y'all like each other. Not because you're living a life that you have to be half asleep. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Hey, listen, I'm excited to share that episodes of the Dr. John Deloney Show are now available a week early for all those listening. There's like seven of you who are like, I've got to listen early. It's now available a week early in the Ramsey Network app. You can also watch full video episodes of the show and so much more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
you can golly dude you can go through there's just so much cool stuff go to the download the ramsey network app you can you can search you can dig into stuff and you can check it out early and for free ramsey network app and you can check the show notes um for the link to the app all right let's go out to richmond virginia and talk to ann what's up ann
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Sure. And calls for a friend, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Yeah, totally. Um, I, I, I think, Oh man. Um, I guess I'll just say this as direct as I can. Yes, there's some sensitivity. Some major sensitivity. Yeah. I am literally only sitting here before you because I had a couple of my closest friends in the world wade through insane amounts of sewage to get to me when I was hurting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
intervention is too dramatic of a word and that show has kind of made it sensational but yeah having having coffee at your house one morning and inviting everybody over just to check in and go around the room yeah and say just want to check on everybody i've had some good days and some bad days we're just going to start going around seeing how everybody's doing how are you doing yeah i've made a point of doing that and i with her by herself or with a group
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You are living everyone else's life across multiple fronts. I don't even know what it would be like for you to actually access what you really want. I think that might be a scary proposition for you. What do you think? How long have you been singing and dancing for people to say that you're okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Both, both actually. Um, in, in a group. Okay. Tell me about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
But also like, you don't, you're, you're past that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And you said something important earlier. You said you can't see the forest from, for the trees. That's why we have friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Who will grab our wrist and walk us through the forest when we can't see the way out. And so, yeah, it's, what I'm telling you is I've been in your situation. I've never, I've never been in, I've sat with postpartum friends very directly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And said like, here's, here's the options before you. You can go see a psychiatrist, ASAP. You're going to see OBGYN and tell them exactly the thoughts you're having because those thoughts are scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
That's right. You know why? Because you come to believe they're going to take your baby away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And your body also puts a bunch of GPS pins in that baby as it almost killed her, right? Yeah. And then she couldn't hug her. I mean, oh, there's so much stuff going on there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
right? And so you sit down with your friend and you say, Hey, here's the deal. I'm going to love you the best I can. And I'm willing to whatever, um, willing for you to be mad at me, whatever, but you need to go see your doctor and I'm going to go with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
No, it's not even that. It's not. I don't ask or. When I get to the point where you need to be right now, I don't ask like, hey, are you going to? I don't ask that question. I say you're going to. I'll go with you or I will stand here in your front yard when they come get you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
But I'm worried about you. Now there's a little bit of bravado there. Most people aren't going to come get you, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I know. And that's why I say like sometimes with a group, But I think it's letting her know, not asking. I see that you're not okay. I know for a fact you're only telling us a part of it because you have to, and I so love you and respect you for that. Yeah. We're going to see your doctor, and I'm going to go with you. But you've got to make an appointment today, like right now. Oh, I will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And I know this is scary. Can I hold your hand? Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
All day long. I'll risk my friendships all day long if people are still alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You know what I mean? And by the way, my wife reached out to one of my friends one time and he came. To this day, he still never told me that she called him. She told me, but he hasn't. He honored her trust in that way because he loves me and he obviously loves my wife too. He's a close friend, but he came down to tell me to go see somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And he drove three hours to come see me and I thought he was just bringing his son by to play with my son, but he listened to my whole spiel when I wasn't well and he's like, You're going to go see somebody. You're not all right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And my wife couldn't get through to me. My colleagues couldn't get through to me. He did. He did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
He did. And by the way, when he left, I was pissed. I was mad. Like, who do you think you are? Like, you don't know. You don't understand. I did. I did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
There's not an easy path through. And listen, if you want, if you talk to her and y'all want to call in, call in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I'll put you all, I'll put you both right back through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And if you don't want to go alone, get another friend. But if you think she trusts you dearly and she would listen to you, then have that conversation and do it in person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
How do you feel like it's an overstep?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Yeah, screw offending. I would completely reframe that and saying, I am her friend for this moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Nobody in the world can speak to her like I can from an emergency C-section, from the terror, from the we had a plan that we all talked through, to how pissed off we are at our other friends even though we love them because they got to do it like we drew it up, all of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And then being able to say, I don't know what it's like not to be able to hold my baby for one week, two weeks, three weeks, a month. I don't know what that's like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I don't know. And you know this. Every husband's different. I don't know what it's like. You don't know what it's like getting in that house with the doors closed. Right. And so who knows what hell she's going through. But the scariest thing is she's probably going through it by herself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
That's right. There you go. And so I, this might sound cheesy, but I think the greatest gift you could give her is to write her a letter and read it to her and say, I wrote this because I wasn't gonna be able to get it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And if it started with, you're the most amazing mom out of all of us and I see you drowning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And by the way, you can't control how she chooses to hear it. Or maybe not even chooses in this moment, in this fog. She's hurting a lot. She's struggling. How her body hears it. You can't control that. What you can do is do the best job you can to be compassionate and let her know, because we love you, we're stepping in at this point. You got to go see somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You got to go see somebody. And we'll be here to help with childcare. We'll be here to help with whatever. But you got to go see somebody and I'll go with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
She's lucky to have a friend like you. Thanks. And just because it's uncomfortable doesn't mean it's the wrong thing. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You got it. Last thing I'll tell you, if you get even the slightest sense that she's a danger to herself or to her baby, call 911 immediately. No questions asked. No could care less if you don't like me anymore. But if I get even the slightest sense that she's going to do something irreversible, I'm making that call right away. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly. This is a time when I,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I should have done this at the beginning of the show, but I'm going to do it at the end of the show when I don't know any public figure who has not found themselves having to admit something publicly. And I'm not who I said I was. And so that's me making this admission.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Thursday night of last week. We're recording this on a Monday. Thursday night of last week. At the end of this big, long event with business leaders, I joined a band on stage. I played a purple PRS.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I played a purple PRS, for God's sake. Will Rutter's purple PRS. And I played Nickelback. And it jammed. Yes, it did. The whole thing jammed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
There is video evidence. And I'm not going to lie. It smoked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Oh, I said, I'm already on my way to a church. I have to ask God for forgiveness. And you said, God will forgive. Kelly doesn't forget. I played Nickelback live in front of other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
For anyone who knows music, playing a Nickelback song is... It's the same skills you learn when they teach you ta-ta-ti-ti-ta in elementary school with a xylophone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Yeah, it's hot cross buns. There's four whole chords. Four whole chords.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
It's not complex, but it's complex and there's a lot of moving around. Not even one-eighth of the jamming in the audience. but man, you play some Nickelback, and dude, there were shirts unbuttoning themselves. It was a whole thing. It was a whole thing. I don't understand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
That's so freaking exhausting. Because you just end up playing relational whack-a-mole. And nobody ever turns and asks you how you're doing or what do you actually need? Or more importantly, what do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I don't understand, but the Nickelback effect is real, and I just need everyone listening to this to know I did pick up a guitar that wasn't a Gibson or a Jackson. I did, and I played it, and it was purple, and it was Nickelback, and I rode home in silence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You know every Nickelback word, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I thought that tattoo across the top of your chest was like a... I don't know. You're just trying to put out the vibe. I didn't realize you loved them like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I'm so glad that you are with us talking about your emotional and mental health, your relationships. There's hurting people going through a lot right now. And this show is dedicated to you guys. Sitting down with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Not even hurting people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I took my pride and my feelings and I hid them for the sake of a good rock show. And then I just wallowed in shame all night. About 3 a.m., my wife rolled over and said, what have you done? Are you okay? And I was like, I can't talk about it yet. I think she thought I was having an affair. And I was like, no, worse, much worse. I played Nickelback in public. And she was like, no, you promised.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And she went running out of the bedroom. None of that happened, but... All right, America, it will never happen again. It actually might, because I'm not going to lie, it felt kind of good. Nickelback's on to something. 400 million albums later, however many they've sold, they're on to something. But I just can't buy a PRS. Not yet. Not yet, America. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
So I guess what I tell you is... Having great friendships aids and supports and makes, tills the soil for an incredible marriage. And being anchored in with good friends and having a rock solid marriage anchors you in to allow you to go swan dive into your work. And being excellent at your work allows you to come home and celebrate and grieve when you don't do well and celebrate when you do well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And it provides the foundation for you to build a house on with food, right? And capital, like support. So all these things work together. They work together if you are actively creating the life that you and your husband want to live. They are at war with each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
If you're trying to make your friends happy, you're trying to make your boss happy, and you're trying to make some idealized version of your dad, by the way, he's never going to call you. That call that finally he's, that call will never come because it hasn't already. And you're trying to like keep your husband happy. Right. And you're, you're, you're not burning the candle at both ends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You just set yourself on fire and covered yourself in wax. You are the candle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Oh, sister, I've been dreadfully lonely sharing a bed with a woman that I know loves me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I guess you've got to get one and here's why you're drowning in a sea of ambiguity. You always have been. Tell me if I'm wrong here. My guess is you're a good kid. and your house was chaotic, and this will probably ring true to you in some shape, form, or fashion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Confused people, stuck people, frustrated people. Whatever you got going on in your life, that's my promise. I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on this show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I don't know about the word trauma because it's kind of overdramatic, but I remember one of my professors told me that straight A's can be a trauma response too. Just because a kid is getting straight A's doesn't mean everything's going great. Sometimes it is their way that they keep their head above water so that some adult somewhere will see them and say, good job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Or at worst, won't hit them, right? Or will ignore them and keep them a little bit safer. But like you mentioned, grades are a way for a kid without humongous muscles to bully other kids. I'll show you that I'm better than you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
But all of that is a kid that's untethered, meaning doesn't know where the next secure attachment, the next secure sense of I'm loved and I have value and I have worth is coming from. And those folks grow up to be adults. And they start trying to clamor and get it everywhere. Do I get a certificate at work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And that feeling lasts as long as the certificate ceremony or the mass email that goes out to everybody or the raise. In fact, the raise doesn't even matter. It's the conversation on your annual review with your boss that says, hey, I'm giving you a 4.2% raise when the average was three. And I see the work that you're doing. You did a good job. Or your bonus is a little bit high, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
The feeling is gone before the deposit even hits your checking account. And then your husband, you want to make him happy, but also there's just frustration. And your friends, you all want to go do things, but I'm tired. It's this, I don't know how to win in this environment relationally because I'm trying to solve this internal gaping hole externally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
and there's no specifics and you're going to wake up and be 39 years old and you'll realize I've lived somebody else's life and that's when people wake up and burn everything to the ground meaning and that's when they respond to the text from that really attractive hilarious co-worker for the first time that's when they just snap at their spouse who's just putting along or your sister or one of your girlfriends has a third kid and you just snap yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Because you wake up and you're living somebody else's freaking life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And you're trying to manage everybody else instead of just asking yourself, what do I want? And what must be true? Mm-hmm. Does any of this ring a bell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And before you just keep hitting the little 15-second skip, skip, skip, listen, please, please, please subscribe on the YouTube channel. We're so close to crossing that million mark. Hit the subscribe button. It'll take you like two seconds, and it really helps us out in a number of ways. All right, let's roll out to Atlanta to the ATL and talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
So I guess what I would tell you is like, you build a meaningful marriage. To me, of all the things that you mentioned, that's the most important thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And I know it's kind of countercultural, but you both looked at each other and said, I do. And if you have, if the pillars that that relationship is built on, if those are crumbling or if they've been removed or they were never there or you think they're stronger or whatever, that has to be addressed before any of the other stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Because you can make a million bucks and if your marriage isn't good, the research tells me your life will suck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And you can have the greatest friends in the world, but if you go home and you're not safe when you sleep in your own bed, your body will never let you sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
I know that's not why you called. How is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Oh, dude, I think that every three years. Every three years, I'm like, oh my gosh, if I had known this, right? So, yeah, you're not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
You don't think so or you know so?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Okay. I would start there. Because I want you to be able to jump up and down on the stability of this marriage. Because now y'all have, if there's no other secrets, there's nothing else out there for you to find. And it's weird if you've let stuff slide for seven years or if you've kind of looked the other way for seven years or it's been fine for eight years, like whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
But that's the stuff that emerges in year seven to 10 of a marriage that becomes these deal breakers. And the work y'all have done the last year, I am high-fiving you, sister. That is so rad that y'all have done that. And now I think you've patched the holes in the boat so it's not sinking anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And now you'll have to decide if you're going to build a new boat. Because this one's not going to take you that much further. We all build a new boat together. And that just starts with no secrets. Lay it all out. Here's all of me. Do you still love me? Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
So when it comes to balance, balance is a myth. But deep enriching relationships enrich every part of your life. But it comes with you believing I'm not on a stage for everybody. Me and my husband have decided we're going to co-create a world together. Our friends will be a part of that. Some of them won't make that cut. Some of them will. Our jobs will interweave through that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
But we're going to create this world together. And then the pressure of having to balance everything, you just get off the little Amazon, you know, that little half ball thing, the little balance stand that people at stand-up desks do at work when they're listening to their Enya and their essential oils or whatever they're doing. You know what I'm talking about? Those little balance ball things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
Yeah, you just get off that. You stand on the ground. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
From this point forward, whenever you feel like you're trying to balance something, just close your eyes and consciously step off that little balancey thing. I'm not doing that. I'm not balancing. What's the next right move for me and my husband and for me and my family?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Can I Be Married and Still Have Friends?
And that almost always accepted moments of safety begins with truth. I'm going to tell you the truth. So, gosh, I'm trying to think of where to – hang on the line here. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, and I want you and your husband to use that as a roadmap for what comes next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. There's nothing for you to feel wrong. Like you don't do anything wrong. Okay. In fact, you're doing a pretty heroic thing. You're doing a whole bunch of stuff all at the same time. And you're doing it in an unclassical way. And so it can feel really isolating because none of your other guy friends are probably doing something similar. No way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
But no, there's nothing wrong with you. Okay. Like you're stepping up and taking care of your responsibilities and you're trying to make it work. Okay. What I wish every single parent of a new baby knew. And by the way, can we also be honest? You're still trying to work out how to be married to this person. You don't know them that well. Yeah, absolutely. You think you know them well, you don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And so you're figuring that out. What marriage even looks like? What does love look like? How do we keep romance alive? We're not even keeping it alive. How do we continue to build romance, right? All this stuff is new. How do you be married to somebody who deals with secondary traumatic stress all day long? How does she be married to somebody who struggles with sight limitations?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Y'all are figuring all this stuff out. It's a lot. So feeling overwhelmed is right, okay? What I wish every new parent would do would be to sit down with their partner and just make a plan for 90 days, three months, and then revisit that plan. And because what most couples do is they try to create the rest of their life the day the baby's born. I'm going to stay at home forever, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Okay. We're going to have to, it's going to be one of those calls. Okay. All right. Cool. So do you like hearing about, okay, this is kind of weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And that's a bold proclamation when you don't know what's going to happen financially. You don't know what's going to happen. You may wake up and realize, I hate being trapped in this house or I am going back to work forever. And then you realize, I don't care about what anyone else, what this corporation wants me to do. I want to be with my kid, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
So if you do it three months at a time, then you're always planning on coming back to the table saying, how are you? How are you? It gives each other an opportunity to drop your shoulders. And for her to say, I want to go three quarter time because I'm missing this baby.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Or it allows you to say, hey, I'm getting to the end of the day and I'm completely fried and I just want an hour of unplug with my video game nerd friends. Or, hey, we've got to go to, I've got to get out of this house. When you get home, I know you're tired too, but I need you to take us all in the car and we're going to go to a local park and just be outside.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And I know our baby's a lump of human, but I want to walk around with you. I just need to get out of the house. And so you're renegotiating and not negotiating in a win, like somebody wins and somebody loses, but maybe a better word is you're reimagining it every three months.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And that way it gives you permission to say, hey, I don't like this arrangement or parts of this arrangement aren't working or I can't carry this full load like this. And she gets to come to the table and say the same thing. Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. But dude, the greatest gift you can give that kid and your brand new wife is for you to be whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And that means you got to be honest about what it means to be whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I get that. But also, I mean, it's, it's a negotiation, right? It's, it's a re-imagination. And I'll say, how cool is it that she comes home from a super stressed job and she looks at you and says, I want to be with you. And also in reverse, how many exhausted fried moms slash professionals when dad gets home from his 60-hour week says, you're taking the kids. I need some time off. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
It's just a common thing. It may be for a year, you're playing video games after the house is asleep. And that just may be when that's got to be for you. And that's just part of being a dad and a husband and making a sacrifice. Yeah. Absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Okay, but are you jealous, like, she's your friend in every other way, and if this was just your regular, like, a friend from work or the neighborhood or whatever, you would, that'd be something y'all would talk about, right? How are things going in the bedroom? Like, just normal conversations. And it's just extra weird because it's your brother? Or is she just gratuitous and weird?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And by the way, I'm been married for 23 years and I still do most of my down the hatch nerd work, like reading journal articles and reading like really deep. I do that at night after the house was asleep. Cause that's when I have an hour of focus and that is not taking away from something else that I also deem important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Because I don't want to get into a competition between something I love, which is researching mental health nerd stuff, and my family. I love my family more than life itself. And I also have this passion about this other stuff. I love it. And so I don't want ever those things to compete. And so I'm going to do what I got to do during the day. And I'm going to do what I get to do during the day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And that's be with my loved ones. And then I'm going to carve an hour out at night. And some nights I go to bed because I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Yeah, it's a lot, but dude, both of you give yourself a ton, a metric dump truck, ton of grace. You are trying to become a husband, continue to improve professionally, and to be a new dad, and to be a stay-at-home dad, and to deal with physical limitations all at the same time. You are trying to do an oil change while your car is flying down the highway at 80 miles an hour. That's hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
You're going to get some oil on you, on the car, and on the ground. Period. Right? Yeah. What I want you and your wife to do is build in natural back to the table moments. That way it doesn't have to be in a huge, like you hear me say this on the show all the time, turn the lights on and turn the music off. You don't have to do that when you build it in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
When every week y'all get together and say, hey, what's our budget for the month? Hey, how are we doing financially? How are we doing? Like, what's our sex life like? Hey, are you hanging in there? I'm wiped. Or she can say, hey, I had six major traumas. I'm fried this weekend. I just need to unplug.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And you might be thinking, I was about to say that too, but I'm going to power through this weekend because we have a six-month-old, and then next weekend I'm going to really unplug. There is give and take during these seasons. There just is. Everybody's sacrificing, but she doesn't get to come home and do the classic, the more traditional male line, which is I work so hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I get to come home and just do what she didn't get to do that either. Right. Both of y'all are coming to the table. Because if it was reversed and you were calling me being like, I work so hard and she works a full-time job and stays at home with a kid and does everything and she's blind and can't drive, but I just want to come home and chill, you know what I'd say to you, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I'd be all over you too. Absolutely. The same thing applies to her. But I would love it if you said, hey, starting this week, I want to start planning a Sunday night, like 35 or 45 minutes. Let's just exhale.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And depending on what kind of nursing she does, whether it's trauma or she's got a set patient load, and she can tell you this week's going to be this straightforward or this week's going to be a hard one. Or if she works trauma, you just know it's just going to be hard because that's just the nature of that job. And y'all can begin to exhale and say, okay, what do we need this week?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
You don't like talking about your brother's sex life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
How can we love each other this week? And on Wednesday night and Friday night after you're in bed, I'm going to go nerd out with my nerd friends on the internets. And Saturday, we're going to go as a family and go outside because we got to get some sunlight in our life and on and on and on. But begin to map that out. And then every 30 days, put a star on the calendar. And this is a...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Like, everybody okay? Is everybody okay with the arrangement that we're making? Because we made this arrangement, which means we can change it at any time. And if she says, I hate this job, cool. If you say, I need some help around the house, maybe you're not going to go full-time childcare, but maybe you're going to hire a
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
sixth grader or um somebody that will take the kid three hours um you know monday wednesday friday and just go play so you can exhale a little bit and get some stuff done right whatever that looks like but we're going to negotiate that every three months and then we're going to go from there but bro give yourself some grace man y'all are in it in it in it and i'm proud of you for doing the next right thing no matter how hard it is i see that on you man and i'm proud of you keep going we'll be right back
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
All right, let's talk about delete me. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
We can all pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch on the digital devices we all have, we can just pretend that we can go about our lives as though every single thing we do isn't being monitored and that our personal information aren't being taken and sold to scumbags on the internet. But... Pretending it's not real doesn't make it true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
The truth is the digital world is the wild west, and it's a place where your information is bought and sold and stolen without you ever knowing. Think about it. Have you ever gotten a sketchy email that somehow knew way too much about you? Or have you ever had your phone blow up with robocalls? That's not bad luck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Your personal information is everywhere on the internet and spammers and scammers are hungry to cash in on it unless you do something. And that's why I use and recommend Delete Me. They scour the internet to find your data and they remove it from those creepy data broker websites. They've reviewed over 35,000 sites for me and removed my data from hundreds of them, which saved me countless hours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And when you sign up with Delete Me, it's decluttering your digital life and removing a source of anxiety at the same time. So stop scammers and spammers before the problems start and take back control with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget. I'm out on the road having... I'm having the time of my life. What if me and Dave did that dance?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Yeah, I could jump high. I don't know. Dave's the most athletic 64-year-old I've ever met in my life. When he gets to ski in, it's amazing. It's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I don't think anybody needs to see it. Come catch me live on the road. We are having an amazing time in these rad theaters all over the country. Next up, I'm going to be in Phoenix on May 5th. If you are in Phoenix... Please, let's have a wild event, a wild party, dude. It's going to be a blast. Fort Worth, Texas. I expect all my Texas brothers and sisters to show up on May 7th.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And then Kansas City. We got to run this one back after what happened yesterday. with the Philly. We need you, man. We're going to make everything all okay again, May 9th in Kansas City. Come check us out. Go to RamseySolutions.com slash tour. Man, I cannot wait to hang out. And don't forget to like or subscribe to the show on the internets. Tell the overlords you love this show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Love it, love it, love it, love it. All right, let's go out to Bozeman, Montana and talk to ABBY. What's up, Abby? How we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Morning sex with your brother? That's the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Well, thanks for getting the courage to call. It only took you four years, Abby.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Hey, thanks for being with us for so long, man. That's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I was going to say, just like you raised her, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I don't think that's going to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
It's, I don't think it's going to, um, I mean, I spent my whole career working with college kids and I used to tell them in orientation, just break up now. It will just save you some time. And, um, a, I was always amazed at how many people went home and just broke up. Like they needed an excuse to do that and be a few didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And then they ended up getting married, but that was like, I mean, you're talking one out of a thousand. Maybe one out of every, like every two or three years, a high school romance made it right. I just, that happening is very, very rare.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I know, but okay, but here's the thing. that's super weird that she does that. It's just, just, it's just not called for. Okay. But I'm also way more concerned than that. I mean, that's just like an obtuse. I don't like, she's getting some weird thing out of that. Like whatever. But like, why won't you say, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop. That's my brother. I don't want to hear about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
What I think is happening is your daughter's about to leave you this amazing, wonderful woman and young woman. And that's just hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And it's the best and the worst. My wife, when my son was born, I think I've said this on the show. She said, hey, we have one job and that is to raise it. And I was like, oh, here we go. Like raise a good man. And she said, raise a kid that we like being around. And it just now has occurred to me. My son is 14. He's halfway through high school. I mean, his freshman year of high school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I love having him around. He's hilarious. He's funny. He can be serious. He's thoughtful about things. He makes fun of me in just the right, appropriate way. And the thought of him being gone in three years, I'm going to lose somebody that I like spending time with. You know what I mean? And I was so ready to go. My dad was so ready to get me out of the house. It's just not like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And I have to be careful not to be pretty sad. And so that way I don't miss the awesome moments I've got right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
But she's going to love, she's going to feel like she loves this dumb boyfriend. And as much as a 17-year-old can love anything, she's going to be in love. And, ooh, gross.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Oh, I know. Of course. But have you taken her out? Did you have boys in your life that you, as a romantic, that you overloved?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Oh, so you got married as a freshman?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Okay. Have you taken your daughter out for breakfast and had that conversation about it was the greatest thing ever and I kind of wish I'd waited?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Okay. Y'all have had that talk?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Well, and it's not too late to put some boundaries on it if you want to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I got that. Is she sexually active?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
You need to have that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Have that conversation. Because it is... That infatuation switch, it's not always, but it is very often. Almost what feels like a mania to see each other at 17, 18, is almost always have some sort of physical intimacy linkage to it. And it may just be holding hands. Maybe it's just, I feel so good holding hands. I feel so good just kissing you. But that's definitely worthy of a conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Have you sat down and said like, hey, the light's going out in your eyes. People are noticing. I'm noticing, not people. I don't want to blame other people. I'm missing my daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And there may be some truth to that. But here's what I always want to look at with a high school kid. I always want to look at trend lines.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And if I watch a kid, suddenly their grades fall. If I watch a kid and suddenly the things that they've loved their whole life, they just fall off a cliff. And that's different than like, hey, I'm a senior. I don't want to play football anymore. I don't play volleyball anymore. Like it becomes a job and I don't want to do that anymore. That's different than I just don't go outside at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
She's always talked about just rocking it onto to break it down with your brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Or I just am glued to my phone 24-7.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And by the way, that fear that you have that, oh my gosh, this really wonderful, great, amazing person that we've grown to like, not only love because we're their parents, but just value them as a human. They're about to leave. She feels that too. And sometimes having a boyfriend, you give somebody a permission to have that pain put somewhere else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Okay, you've got to just put a stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And my only concern with a 16 or 17 or 18 or 19 or 25-year-old is that they channel that into healthy behaviors. Because a way to numb that pain can be sex. And a way to numb that pain can be sneaking alcohol. And a way to numb that pain can be sneaking Xanax.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And I know that's not going to happen to your kid except that for 20 years I sat with teenagers and their parents because it happened to their kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right? It's scary. It's terrifying. But that's why I'm going to be pretty clear-eyed and go straight into it. And if I feel like I'm losing my kid, not my kid is head over heels on some romance, I'm fine with that. In fact, I want them to practice some of that while they're in my house because she's about to be 18 and wheels off, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Um, and so I want them to practice some of that head over heels-ness in my house. But man, if I see the light going out in my kid's eyes, uh, I'm going to get involved with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
No, I go hunting with my brother-in-law. We go, like, I consider him a close friend. I don't ever talk about his sister, my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I mean, you can do whatever you want. You're the parent. And there is a balance between sitting your kid running away and turning your kid into like, when you say like, she's kind of sneaky. I don't want to have a sneaky relationship with my kid. I want him to tell the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right. And also I'm not going to shy away from, Hey dude, I'm losing you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I only see this. I'm only here about this when people have discovered how fun sex is. And I need to know like, uh, I need to know where you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And you might, that might be the time for you to say like, dude, I was 18 too. I was 19 also. And I fell head over heels. And I don't regret my life, but I wish I'd had some things back. Maybe not. Or maybe it's the alternative. Maybe it's like, man, I fell head over heels and I remember how hard it was to stay plugged into my values, to be safe, to be smart or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Have you tried making a weekly, Hey, for the next, until the day we drop you off every week, you're going to have breakfast with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I would, I would say this is mandatory. You don't get to miss this or I'll take your phone away. Like, I mean, I would do something caustic on the other end of it. Right. And with a smile on my face too, but like, I'm going to be, you have to do this. And, um, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you the questions for humans. It's going to sound kind of nutty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I'm going to send you the questions for humans, couples deck one, two, and three. And I know that sounds weird, but, because you and your daughter aren't a romantic couple, but you can get some insight into how she is metabolizing this new relationship by asking some of those questions in that deck. And I want y'all to go to breakfast together and just say, we're going to do 10 of these questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Oh God, are you serious, mom? Yes. And it may be that breakfast one, breakfast two, breakfast three are annoying, annoying, annoying. And then it's breakfast six out of nowhere that she's like, hey, I don't know how to get out of this thing. Or he's really pressuring me too. Or I took Xanax for the first time. I took three of them and it felt really good. I don't know what to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
But this is where you begin to not just talk to her or more importantly, most parents talk at their teenagers. It's a place for their nervous system to know that, Even though their head is like, they're just old, fuddy-duddy parents, and they don't understand. Their head can do that all day long, but their prefrontal cortex hasn't developed yet. But their nervous system will know she's safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Yeah, someone just needs to tell her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
He needs to do a different one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Yeah. And maybe the rule is for every time you go be with this boy, you have to go on a date with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Y'all get to decide what these rules are. But this is going to cost y'all money. And more importantly, it's going to cost y'all time. And what I'm telling you is that's the single greatest investment you can make in this young woman right now. And I know this is very unpopular.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I am not going to allow a 17-year-old to put themselves in situations when I know they're being unsafe sexually, when they're being unsafe with substance abuse just because most of my career was dealing with the ramifications of that. I was afraid to give boundaries because I thought they were going to rebel. And then now I'm looking at an addict, a 19-year-old who can't function.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Or I'm talking to a 20-year-old who's got a new baby. And so I'm going to err on the side of not being liked and keeping my kids safe than the, well, I don't know. So I'm going to head right into that. And I know parents don't like to hear that, but I'm also going to not be harsh without being loving too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And that's where this time, like we're going to go to breakfast, we're going to breakfast, we're going to breakfast, we're going to breakfast. And I'll tell you this, as my sons entered into high school, now we've started doing now, we might not do this forever, but now we alternate who's got a big question for the other person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
So the one two weeks ago was I asked my son, hey, we're going to talk about the death penalty. Pro and cons. When do you think it's appropriate? Is it appropriate? Is it not? And dude, we had an amazing hour long conversation. About the death penalty, what it does, what's the actual statistics on it, what's the data on it. A guy at my church is an attorney who works with death row inmates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I think the next, I, this is one, this is a rare one. This is one that when it comes up again, I wouldn't just throw, like, have like a big, hard conversation. I would try to keep this as light as possible. And the next time she's like, Oh, me and your brother would be like, what was, I got to stop you. I've heard so much about your sex life with my brother. I can't take it anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And so he's got actual data about how insane some of it is. And so we had a great conversation. The next week it was his job and he said, I want to know what makes somebody a ride or die friend for you. Dude, we talked for the whole lunch on that. It was an amazing conversation. But again, those are big conversations that maybe you can make a list of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I'm going to ask you like three big questions and then you're going to ask me three big questions. So you've got to come up with what you want to talk about and give her an opportunity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Yes. And I don't think this relationship will last for whatever it's worth. although you were the one in a thousand. Well, no, you met as freshmen, so y'all met at college, but.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Did you have felonies? Did you or your husband struggle with addiction?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Does your daughter know in her nervous system that she's fully and deeply loved?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
She's probably going to be all right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And I'm not going to ever get upset with a 17 year old for being in love and being curious about things that feel good. But I am going to be really direct with my wisdom there. Right. And that's that curiosity over judgment. When you talk to a 17 year old, like you should not be, that's, they're going to blow you off. But when you're like, oh yeah, dude, sex rules.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And man, it's not safe for a 17 year old. Your heart's not ready.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right. And so being able to have that conversation is just a different tune. And I, as a parent, dude, I can't look myself in the mirror and say I love my daughter knowing that I'm putting you in this situation, that this is what's going on. I wouldn't be who I said I am, right? And that, I mean, the daughter you just described to me, she would understand that. She wouldn't like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
She would hate it. She'd be mad at you, but she would understand it. It's the same. I think I've mentioned this on the show. The number, the greatest compliment my son ever gave me was, um, He was, we were having another disagreement about social media because I'm a Luddite and I won't let my son have it. And Snapchat, especially, I think Snapchat's clinically insane for kids to have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Parents to give their kids Snapchat. But I told him, I finally said, hey, tell your friends at school that your dad is a loser and he sucks and he's an old man and he just won't let me have it. And he, in frustration and exasperation said, I can't say that because that's not true. And when he turned around, I was like, oh, yeah. Like, right? He gets it. And, dude, I get it, too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
It's my brother. Stop. And you laugh and hopefully she laughs and she's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And then we all move on. If she doesn't, if this is a thing for her, hear me say this directly. This is her problem, not yours. Okay. She's the weird one here. If she feels like it is a violation of y'all's relationship that she can't talk about her sex life with your brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Nobody wants to be the only one or frustrated or whatever. But, yeah, 17 is that transition time, man. And now for you guys, y'all are on the clock. You're on the countdown to it's almost time to go. It's almost time to go. And maybe your husband takes your daughter out and says, or you take your daughter out and ask, all right, what are the 10 or 15 things you think a good husband has?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Let's see, does dad have those? What are 10 or 15 things you want to wrap your head around when it comes to the person you'd like to marry? And that might be a way to get her to stop thinking about this marriage. kind of dud of a 17 or 18 year old boyfriend, begin to write some of these things down and y'all could talk about them. Like, oh, you think this one's a big deal? It's not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Oh, you think a six pack abs is the most important thing? It's not. You think this is not a big deal? This is a huge deal, right? And you can begin to have some of those conversations. And you gotta be honest with you where you and your husband are falling short of some of those things. So it just becomes a very authentic, vulnerable, direct, loving, curious conversation with your kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
As she's making this transition from somebody you can boss around to somebody you're going to have to influence positively and let her know you're going to make dumb decisions and I'll always be right here. Thanks for being a mom that cares. I have a feeling she's going to be great. I have a feeling she's going to be great. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm here for you. Here, not for you. I'm here with you. I'll sit here and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on this show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Hey, good folks, listen, there's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients in what we eat and what we drink. Everybody's talking about the food dyes and the colors and the extra nasty chemicals, the pesticides. Listen, I'm not a nutrition scientist, but I know that none of this sounds good. This is one of the reasons I love Organifi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Finally, don't forget Organifi's greatest hits album, the Organifi Starter Kit, with red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go. Right now, you can save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right now, go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney, and use code Deloney for 20% off the kit and everything else on their site. Go right now. All right, we are back. And, Ben, can we cue the heartbreaking music? Do we have any sad music? I'll put it in post. All right. I don't have it ready. Good. We'll put some sad. So we have to say goodbye to one of our greatest, best gang members.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Finally, Kelly's gotten fired. I'm just kidding. It's not Kelly. But this is the last show with the great and powerful Taylor. We'll be heading off. And so... Taylor joined the team right as it was floundering. Kelly didn't know what she was doing. Taylor joins. And we flew past the million mark. The show has been incredibly successful. One of the greatest professionals I've worked with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And so we're going to miss you, gangster. One of the OG team members, man. So thanks for being a part of the gang for so long. It's awesome. Do what? She's saying mean things about me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
You don't have to say anything. We're just going to shout you out, say that we love you, and party. This is when we should... So we've come to the end of the road. I tried out for Boyz II Men. I sent my audition tape. I never heard back. I think they're still just working through the tapes. Probably.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I'm a good mid-baritone tenor. I can get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Taylor, you're one of the gangsters. Thank you for being on our team and for getting us to a place where I can finally look at my family and say we're being successful. It's kind of good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
You're the best. Appreciate you guys. Everybody else, stay in school. Don't do drugs. Love you guys. And if you got good, awesome team members that you get to work with at your professional job, make sure you tell them that you appreciate them. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Is it you that's bringing drama to this or was it just talk to you talking about breakfast?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I don't need that picture in my head of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right. So I think it's like, no, no, no, stop. I don't hear that. I don't hear that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
here's your kids stop her yeah but I think you stop the first time I would this is me I would stop with a smile on my face alright right I know cause I've avoided her and I feel like she doesn't deserve that like she is a really good friend you know we hang out and avoiding her isn't the right thing to do yeah yeah don't avoid her yeah yeah yeah but also y'all can be great friends and she not tell you about getting out of the shower with your brother intimate things yeah she can just say thanks for bringing my kids by
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Like, she doesn't have to add that. Right? And if y'all were... If she was just, like, a close, close girlfriend, like one of your college roommates, and then you dropped her kids off, and she looked at you and be like, ooh, you just... Like, that would be fun and appropriate, I think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And even still, you'd probably go, ooh, gross, I don't want to hear that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right? And so, like, because I don't want, like, um... I don't know. I just try to put myself in her position. I don't want my friends, even my closest best friends that I consider brothers, I don't want them picturing my wife getting in the shower. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't want that in their head. Yeah. Here's the thing. Here's how I know that she's in the wrong here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I talk about sex too much. Like I've researched it as a nerd. I've had to investigate it as like a like it's just been a part of my professional life for so long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Right. And I know that I talk about it too much and I would never do that with my to my brother-in-law. I would never engage in that conversation with my sister-in-law, my brother's wife, who's amazing, and with my sister's husband. I would never do that because that's insane, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Okay. All right, let's go out to Twin Falls, Idaho, and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I don't want to hear that. So no, but, but I would, I would lay it out. Yes. I would lay it out. I would do it laughingly at first. If she can't get there, if she's like, Ooh, and she ramps it up, there may come a moment when you have to stop and say, I don't want to talk about you and my brother having sex. Stop. I don't want to talk about you and my brother in the shower.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And hopefully she'd be like, okay, okay. And if she's just obtuse, then she's opting out of friendship with you. She's opting out of relationship with you. And surely your brother would understand too, if we're crying out loud. Good grief. Nope. You're good, Sarah. You're good. But yes, this is your conversation to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And for everybody out there, don't be weird with your brother and sister-in-law. Gross. Nobody wants that picture in their head. We'll be right back. All right, it was just several weeks ago that we all moved our clocks forward one hour. I love the extra hour of daylight, but dude, I'm still struggling with that lost hour of sleep. It was tough on me and my entire family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
And when we all lose that hour, I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for my attitude, my cognitive function, and my overall ability to just show up. This is why I love Helix mattresses. My Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep more deeply. So I wake up refreshed. I love, love, love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I also know that a big reason why my kids don't fight me very much on going to bed is because they sleep in luxury on their Helix mattresses. Helix offers a mattress for every person's sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you've got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, or your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15-year warranty. So really, there's no risk. Let's make the most of your sleep this spring. Take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did, and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in about two minutes. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today and get 20% off site-wide for their spring savings event.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
That's 20% off everything at Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm so excited to tell you about my friends at Bonn Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium-sized screens, and big screens. And all this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, all of it. And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I've got the mask and I'm so excited to use it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's bondcharge, B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Steve. Hey, Steve, what's up, brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Y'all went and got married? We got married, yeah. Okay. Was that a good decision?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Enough of a foundation. We had 60 whole days. We're in. All right. Yeah. Okay. Y'all are in it, dude. So your baby is a year old now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I'm great with math. All right. So six months old. So your whole life is like a human explosion. Okay. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
You don't like talking about your brother's sex life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Have you not said, hey, I don't want to talk about my brother's sex life? No. Why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
I guess I'm... I guess I'm trying to think of the right words. I won't try to get cute with it. Like, dude, you should be feeling overwhelmed. There's nothing wrong with you. Okay? Like you're working a full-time job. You're a full-time caretaker. Your wife goes and works a very difficult job. You've also got a considerable limitation. Like a physical limitation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Sister-in-Law Overshares About Her Sex Life
Yeah, you should totally be feeling overwhelmed. And yes, most of the time I get this call or have this conversation, it's in reverse, right? The guy runs off to work and wife is trying to work from home and manage everything. But that prisoner language, I hear that over and over and over and over again. So I don't say that to make you, I want you to know you're not crazy, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
When you say you're okay with it, you're okay with your husband doing that or that's how you coped?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Man, there's a lot there. Thanks for calling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Oh, man. Let's do something kind of strange. Take me back to your original question. Tell me about the last 10 years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Good night. You say that like congratulations are in order. They're not. Okay. Um, real quick before we keep going, I want you to do me a huge favor. Okay. Um, how old are you now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Did you go to like homecoming when you were in high school?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. So 16 is who I had in my head. So do me a favor. Close your eyes. And I want you to picture looking in a mirror at 16-year-old you. You have her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
What's she look like? What color is her hair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Very long. Are you tall? Is she short?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
no very tall athletic beautiful frumpy what does she look like yep no athletic pretty okay I want you to stare into her as deeply as you can with your eyes closed okay and I want you to repeat after me okay I'm so sorry you had to leave home can you say it I'm so sorry you had to leave home And none of this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And some guy telling you I love you for 30 minutes?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
He has a choice to make. Does he want to lose you as his romantic partner, or does he want to keep this platonic friendship? Because it sounds like she's really immature.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I'm proud of you for staying alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Now your shoulders are up around your neck. I want you to pull them down. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
From this point forward, I don't ever want you to define yourself by what you did to survive. Because for somebody with an ACE score of 8 out of 10, alcohol is a miracle. Crazy sex is a miracle. Weed is a miracle. Meth is a miracle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Because it makes the pain stop and it gets you through to tomorrow and then it gets you through to the next day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. And the beautiful thing about growing up and getting wiser is we get to change our minds. We get to do different things. We get to demand new things of ourselves and those that we're in relationship with. So you wanting new things for your life and you holding your husband to new expectations and saying, hey, as for me and my house, I don't want, I got to be sober. I want a different life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You can't be cheating on me and I'm not going to cheat on you because I want a different life. I don't want a house full of pornography. It's got a haze to it. It just makes the house feel dark. Makes your eyes glaze over. Yes. And I don't want us smoking weed anymore. I want us to just face the challenges and the stress that we have so we can get to the other side of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
That's just called growing up. It's called being wise. It's called getting healthy. And it's not something to apologize for over and over and over again, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And one of the heartbreaking things about making choices is when people that you love don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And here's a weird path. Tell me if I'm wrong, but it's pretty common. You look back and say, I want a different life. So you drink less or you drink not at all. And you don't want to be involved in rambunctious sex stuff and you're not up for all these all-night benders or whatever. I want to make some changes. And maybe you start eating healthy. Maybe you start going to the gym.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Maybe you get some friends. Maybe you go to AA. Maybe you go to church. And your partner just feels the separation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And since alcohol works, the alcohol use increases, the drug use increases. Yeah. The defaulting to sex increases. Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay, so what you've done is you've broken a sick cycle, and for now he hasn't come with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so the greatest gift you can give him is a well-anchored you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Here's the thing, Kayla. She doesn't have to like you. There's not a rule that says she has to like you. The rule is, is your boyfriend going to honor... his girlfriend, the person who might become his wife one day, or is he going to keep placating to this kind of vampire-y other person, this friend? Because take the female part of it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Well, first you got to tell that 16-year-old that your dad was sick because of some stuff that was going on with him, not her. You've been trying to fix your dad for your whole life. You even married him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Your dad's drug use and his ultimate passing was never about you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I know. And he probably told you it was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
But you telling the truth was not your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I hear that little baby. I love that sound.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay, so here's the deal. Your current husband's wellness journey is his. Your job right now is to keep yourself safe and whole, to protect that baby at all costs, and to walk alongside your husband as needed. But he has to do the walking in his path. What does that mean? You can't drag him to rehab.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You can't fall for his threats. If you do this, I'm going to. That's his choice he's going to make. You can tell them, as for me and my house, after coming home, you will be in a 30-day or 60-day inpatient rehab program by the end of today or by tomorrow. Or you are choosing to leave this home. Because I will not do this again to another generation of my family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And what I want you to do is you're holding, hold your baby four months old, you said?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. I want you to imagine her holding her four month old and knowing nothing of what you're experiencing right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It's not going to be a blessing. It's going to be a ton of hard work on your end.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Because you're going to be, have seasons of being lonely and you're going to have seasons of holding boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Why does it bother you so much that this stranger doesn't like you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You've never done that before. I know. You've never done it before because people beat you up for your boundaries growing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
That's right. To the point that it made you feel crazy for even having a boundary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You're not crazy. You never were. You were just a small little girl and your dad was a big guy. Just because somebody crashes through your boundaries doesn't mean they're not right. And so here's the exercise. Okay. Do you have a counselor that you meet with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I had buddies that weren't super in favor of me dating my wife, and they're not my buddies. They get to choose. You know what I mean? And so, and I had other buddies be like, hey, man, are you sure she's the right person for you? Because she was so different than people I've dated in the past. And her friends for sure sat her down and were like, whoa, this guy's not super stable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I'm going to tell you something. I don't want to pile up on you, but I'm just going to be honest with you and tell you the truth. And normally I would tell you this in like session three or four, if we were actually meeting in person for coaching, but just for the sake of the listeners, I'm going to tell you now. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Those GPS pins that are setting off in your heart, in your mind, in your body as you hold this little four-month-old girl and you pick up your husband from rehab, they are becoming part of your daughter's nervous system.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
No. Which means you have to do the healing on your own. And I'm telling you, with an eight, you cannot do this by yourself. You got to get some people to walk with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Vulnerability has gotten you crushed for your whole life and it's going to be the path to healing from this point forward. Vulnerability just means I'm going to find a group. I'm going to find a small group of women. I'm going to find a counselor. I'm going to begin to say out loud the things that I've been protecting other people from my whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Grief demands a witness, as Kessler says. I'm going to say these things out loud in the presence of other people. And what you're going to find is they don't run. In fact, they love you more. And that's not something you can know intellectually. Your body has to feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So here's your three homework assignments, okay? Okay. Homework assignment number one is I want you to go back and write that 16-year-old girl a letter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Homework assignment number two, I want you to write that your little baby girl, don't give me her name. I want her to have some anonymity. I want you to write her a letter that she's going to open when she's 16 about the work you started doing right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Number three, I want you to get with a counselor, an AA group, a professional counselor. And I want you to make a list of what must be true in your home as your husband returns.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
He has exceeded your capacity to help him in this moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
He has to go get professional help. That's tough. I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I know it's outlandishly expensive. And I know it is like when it comes to who's going to pay our bills. How are we going to make this work? I'm going to have to go get a job. I was staying at home. I know and I know and I know. And there's not an easy path. Unless you're just independently a jillionaire, which you're not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
But I don't want you going back to the hospital again to pick up his bag of things because that's what's left. I don't want y'all going back to the hospital again. I want you picking them up from an inpatient stay in 30 days or 60 days and you all begin to build an entirely new marriage, an entirely new life. That's going to include marriage counseling because you all don't know how to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
That's going to include sober living because it's been a struggle for both of you. It's going to include parenting classes. You can do that at a YMCA. You can do that at a local church. You can do that with a counselor, but you're just going to invest in yourself. Hang on the line here. I'm going to get you started today with my friends at BetterHelp. They're going to take care of you, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And they were right. But like, so take the female part of it out. Like if it was just a dude friend, at the end of the day, he's got to decide, do I want to be with this guy who won't invite my girlfriend anyplace, keep snubbing her when we're in public or whatever? And so just the fact that it's a woman makes there like a little layer, an additional layer of tension, if you will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So they're going to get you somebody that you can start talking to, a licensed therapist, ASAP, and you can do it with your phone or you can do it via your computer, your laptop. And I know it's hard with a four-month-old to find childcare and to do all that. We're going to get you going in the next 24, 48 hours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So hang on the line and we're going to get you a code that you can get started with BetterHelp with the therapist, okay? They're going to help you map out a plan. What's my next move and what must be true for this man to return back to our home? And right now what must be true is he's got to go get professional help, inpatient, out. He used so much he almost died. That exceeds your capacity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Does he have feelings for this other woman? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
What he needs from you now is a sturdy, planted, rooted partner so that he can rappel off the side and go get the help he needs. And no, I'm not going anywhere. And as you hold these boundaries, you've got to hold space for he might look at you and say, I'm not going to do it. He's going to opt to leave.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I want you to have a community, a group of friends, a couple of women in your life or a counselor or somebody to call. You can process that with too. I'm excited for what comes next for you, Alyssa. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It's not a place where you land. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the next month. Being well and healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot, and I'm guessing you're not either. None of us are. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows and victories and setbacks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and what you drink. This is why I love Organifi, because their whole food blends contain only the best plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, and soy-free ingredients. And listen, Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You just mix Organifi with water or your favorite healthy beverage. You shake it up, you stir it up, and you drink it, and that's it. Their green juice is great in the morning, and it's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. The Organifi Red Juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And don't forget the pure juice, the golden juice in the evenings, and those happy drops make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's go out to Chowchilla, California and talk to Buford.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Hey, Buford, what's up, man? Hello.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Oh, that's a great question. So... we give like for listeners on the show, almost always. Now we change names and locations. Are you in a part of the West coast or are you somewhere where, um, like yesterday in Tennessee, Tennessee is the most amazing place in the country, I think, but in the winter it's pitch black at four 45 or five o'clock.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
My question for you is like, why do you care so much about this other friend?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so, um, are you in a C, are you in a place in the country where it starts getting real dark all the time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. So tell me what seasonal depression, um, and we're not using that clinically. We're using that colloquially. Like, what does that look like in your house? What does that look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It's hard to see someone you love struggling, isn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Has she gone and done any sort of hormone testing as a 63-year-old?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
record sure there's a there's and there's some significant heritability in some of those things um so i'm gonna give you a couple of low-hanging fruit things and then some bigger picture things to work through okay low-hanging fruit i think at my house i've got four maybe five of the I got on Amazon and I don't have any brand affiliation with anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I can't even tell you the name of the brands that I use, but I got the seasonal effective lights. 10,000 Lux or greater. And I have, I have them in my, I have a garage gym. I got one in there. I got them where I write in the mornings and I've got them around the breakfast room around like the kitchen. And when I'm up and I always get up first in the house, me and my wife kind of go back and forth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
But when I'm up, I turn on every one of them. Our house looks like the sun.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And there is some pretty significant correlation to like your brain needs light to wake itself up. It's circadian rhythm stuff. And you could go down Andrew Huberman talks the most eloquently publicly about it, but you can go on rabbit hole. Your body regulates itself through morning light and evening light. It just does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so when it's pitch black in the morning and it's pitch black in the late afternoon and it's just hard to get it, those, I mean, I have those in my house. The second thing is I work out inside. I work out in a gym. I have to force myself when it's cold, when it's hot, when it's just when it's raining to do something outside, especially in the morning and especially in the afternoon.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Forget her. Why does it bother you so much that this stranger doesn't like you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And that means this morning I was going to be late to the office. I spent five minutes outside in the light, and it's hazy out today here in Nashville, throwing the ball to my big old goofy dog. And I stepped in dog cha-cha, and I tracked it all through the house, but I needed to get outside and do that. And when I get home, I'm going to do my best to do something outside.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
When someone that you love is struggling with dysthymia, low-level depression, That simple act can be really tough. And so my recommendation for you is something as simple as, I need to take a five-minute walk and I don't like to go by myself, or I really want you to come with me. Will you come? Sometimes people will do for others what they won't do for themselves. Sometimes they won't, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And it can be easy to take it personally. But often a person will go, okay, and they will hem-haw and, but over time, it's a good thing. Is your wife during this season, does she still go to the gym? She still exercise?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
something in a hole you know that's it yep yep yep okay so if you said um what do you do for a living drive truck oh sweet okay so if you said listen I want to focus I've got about 40 years left before the good lord comes and gets me and I want those last 40 years I want to be able to get up and down off the ground
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And your boyfriend allows you to be excluded?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I want to be able to roll around with my dog or my grandkids or get up in and out of a truck or whatever, as long as I can. I'm going to go meet with a doctor about my blood, my blood work, my testosterone and stuff. Would you come with me and do it too? Because I want us to both have a baseline as we head into our fourth quarter. Would she do that with you in support of you? Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. Yeah, she does that quite a bit. I would love for her to get hormones tested. I would love for her to get just a baseline because there may be something physiologic that happens. And if you... Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Does she have any experiences with loss in October or November?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
In December. Hmm. There's often a significant correlation there between some sort of loss that's gone unprocessed and time as your body begins to gear up for it. And that probably means over the last few years, the holiday season for the last 20 years has been tough on her, hasn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So an interesting exercise, it may not be a light switch on or off, but an interesting exercise might be your wife, and maybe even you, if you remember back to her, her mother. But I want y'all to write her a letter on her 20th anniversary. Write her a letter this year for Christmas. And in that letter, I want you to tell her how much you miss her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So, no... Your boyfriend sucks. Like, I... I mean, really?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I want you to tell her about all the things you've done and the person you've become, y'all two have become in the last 20 years. And most importantly, I want y'all to spend some time thinking about what her mom would have wanted y'all to do for the holiday season, October, November, December. And sometimes when we lose somebody, even 20 years ago, our body just puts a GPS pin and it holds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And every year it starts to sound the alarms. Remember what happens at the holidays. Remember what happens. Don't get too happy. Don't get too happy because you remember what's coming in December. And we don't even know it. It's happening in the background. It's happening underneath the water. But slowly we stop going to the gym. Slowly we stop eating right. We watch a little more TV.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
We scroll a little more. And it's this preparation. Think of it like a boxer about to hit you and it's just slowly bringing your hands up to protect your head. And then finally you look up and it's January and you're just not moving anymore. Does any of this ring a bell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
She might not want to bother you while you're out on the road. And so a cool thing you can do is say, while I'm gone, I want us to keep – sometimes people struggling with depression feel like their body's broken. And I like to look at it whenever possible. It's not always true, but I like to look at it starting from a place of actually your body's working pretty good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Like, if I showed up somewhere and it was very clear that my girlfriend of two and a half years... Do y'all live together now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It's trying to protect you from something. And so maybe the holiday season, and again, I'm making stuff up here, your trucking routes pick up. And you get busier with holiday stuff and deliveries and whatever. And you get on the road a little bit more and you want to make a little bit more holiday money. And her body's remembering that 20-year-ago landmark moment when mom left and passed away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
All this stuff happens at the same time. And it's easy to begin to say, oh, I'm malfunctioning again. Instead of, oh, man, my body is circling the wagons to try to protect me again. It doesn't need to do that this year. And when you think of it like practice, hey, this year, here's what we're going to do. Wherever I happen to be, are you over the road or you come home at night?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
No, I'm Monday through Friday. I come home on Fridays. Okay, so you're out. So Monday through Friday, I'm going to commit to a 30-minute walk. Even if I have to just make laps around the whatever, the truck stop. Right. I'm going to commit to 30 minutes. Will you commit to 30 minutes too? I'm going to write you a love letter every day in my truck before I go to sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Yeah. That I'm building this life with. Um... She's not welcome. I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I'm going to send it to you. Will you commit to writing me a love letter? I'm going to write one funny thing that I remember about us dating. Will you commit to writing one funny thing back? And here's what we're doing. We're just practicing to do different things. Right. And then have her take a picture of all the SAD lights, the seasonal effective lights, on in the mornings. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Have her just take a picture of it. Does she have a puppy or a dog? Yes, she does. Good. Tell her that that goofy dog has to go for a walk in the mornings. So what we're going to do is we're going to build in some activities that y'all are going to do together even though you're apart. And that way these things won't build and build and build.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And you're going to build a bridge towards regular communication back and forth. How'd your walk go this morning? Oh my gosh, I was taking, I was on lap 35 around the truck stop and this wackadoo came in. It's going to give you all some shared discussion things. And it's going to begin to, we're going to practice changing our actions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
We're not just going to sit around and think we have a character defect that our bodies are somehow broken. We're weak or something like that. And then, man, I would love for you guys, for you to commit to, um, I want to go talk to a marriage counselor one weekend and I want to not cause we're anything's wrong with our marriage, but I want to know how I can best love you while I'm on the road.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
How much longer are you going to be on the road? Maybe two or three years. Okay. Um, would she love it if you quit and stay at home? Oh yeah. She'd be thrilled. She misses you. Is there a chance you could find a different route or would it cost you a lot in pension and other things?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Like this dude sucks. He needs to like grow up. I mean, and I would say that if he was on the phone right now, so I'm not like trying to talk behind his back, but he needs to make a choice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. And maybe if you all sat down and said, hey, we're in the fourth quarter, like a little bit of a small little Saturday or Sunday marriage retreat while you're home. What do you want the fourth quarter of our life to look like? We're in our 60s. Whatever we want it to look like, we can build that. And maybe you find out, you know what, $1,000 a month, $300 a week, that's worth it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I want fourth quarter to spend more time with you. And she begins to go, oh, that'd be so great. And I'm going to be at home making coffee and breakfast and flipping on every light switch on the planet, especially during this dark season. And I'm going to be there to go for a walk with you in the morning and the afternoon.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And maybe I'll run some local routes, especially during the holidays or whatever. And maybe she's got permission to say, man, I really miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And for whatever reason, when my body starts going into thinking about mom passing the holidays, sometimes when we have a loved one that passes in the holidays, our bodies take on this posture that we don't have permission to celebrate the holidays because someone we love died one time. And if that's the case...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It's important to process that person's passing and in a weird way through letter, seek their blessing on laughter and enjoyment. And I don't know anybody who, after they pass away, doesn't want their loved ones laughing their heads off as much as they can, having as much fun as they can. I don't want people being miserable when I'm gone. Kelly, I want Kelly to be miserable when I'm gone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Does he have feelings for this other woman?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so sometimes our bodies get stuck there. So I've given you a whole smorgasbord of ideas and things to think through. I do think starting with a doctor is important. Let's get those hormones tested again and see if there's anything going on there. And let's begin to come up with a series of practices that we're going to do together, even when you're not at home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
that involve connection, that involve moving your body, that involve light, that involve putting down the screens a little bit, that involve your wife going to a local Bible study or volunteering at a library or going to read books to kids or getting a couple of friends that she meets for tea or coffee in the mornings, that she begins to have a community when things get dark.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And then if this is heritable, if this is a long family history, then maybe sitting down with a physician and talking about medication, talking about ways to bolster these dark seasons is in order. But the fact that she knows it's coming and that she experiences it and she wants to change is so great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And the fact that she's got you by her side who love her and you're struggling when you're out on the road and she's calling you and she's not doing great, that's a great recipe for two people who can work together. And it's you having a little bit of compassion or a lot of compassion. And it's her choosing to push herself pretty hard. Especially when her body wants to stay in bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Especially when it wants to stay in bed. There's a lot here, man. But she is lucky, lucky, lucky to have you as her husband. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's going to be my gift to you guys for free. And the secret to the book is it's not only about anxiety. It's about just building a life that our bodies can exist in. We can have peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And I want y'all to work through that book in this new year on the weekends. Y'all can maybe take a chapter over breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays when you're home. And y'all can begin to build this life and say, okay, what would this look like in our last quarter of our life? What if we did these six daily choices together? What would change? Thanks for the call, my brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You're trying to solve that. She probably has feelings for your boyfriend, and that's fine. Or she's got some maternal or super dope best friend. She's not good enough for my whatever. But getting into her head and trying to figure that out is a waste of your time and energy. You're never going to know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I'm grateful for you, man. We'll be right back. This morning I got up and it was cold and gray and so cold. And so far, this has been a weird, strange winter. It can seem like winter will never end. It just drags on and on and on. And whenever winter gets really cold and blah, if my sleep is messed up, everything gets messed up. I don't want to get out of bed when the alarm goes off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I eat more junk food. I watch more screens and doom scroll. I'm tempted to skip my exercises and on and on. And I'll tell you this. My Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed this winter, even though it's cold and dark outside and I'm getting great sleep and I'm able to hop up ready for action in the mornings. I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
This winter has been incredible. Getting great sleep on my Helix mattress has had a positive domino effect on my whole life and I'm able to do the things I need to do to be a great husband, a great father, and a good coworker. My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses, and Helix has a mattress for everybody no matter how you sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, on your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. If you're ready to start sleeping like you've never slept before, do what I did. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
In under two minutes, they'll help you find the mattress that's perfect for you. And right now, my listeners get early access to the Helix Mattress President's Day Sale. Get 20% off site-wide, plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. with Helix Better Sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
All right, we are back. This is the second time we're back, but Kelly screwed up the last time. So what's up, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You gotta get your homework too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Did you say matching halo tattoo?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Tattoo. Yes. So, a couple things there. Number one, whenever Kelly reads nice letters like that, you can tell she always adds in, and thank you for your team. Nobody writes that. She just adds that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
talking about making good choices we were just talking off air about i'm in a season of not making the greatest choices we're talking about your mental and emotional health making good choices your relationships whatever you got going on in your life here's my promise i'll sit with you and we're gonna help figure out the next right thing whatever you want to talk about i'm here give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
The bigger thing is I think she is, I say this, I use this analogy too much, but she's the proxy war. The real issue is, is you have a boyfriend that you've started, like you're playing house with, you're like, you've been with for two and a half years. You're starting to think about a future. Like you've got a picture in your head and this dude won't stand up for you on a, on a basic level.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Hashtag low self-esteem. Number two, my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Number two, you're right. You and my wife are saints. You're, you know what? You're not a saint.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
My wife is, but you are worthy of, you'll be in the express lane to heaven. There will be some people that are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, are you sure? And the guy at the back will be like, at the podium will be like, yes, I'm sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Yeah. Like, yes, I know, I know, I know. But yes, she's in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
She spent 10 years with Dave Ramsey and then hopefully 10 more with Deloney. Whoa. Fast pass. Fast pass. And me, on the other hand, because I went through TSA with a knife the other day accidentally, after I totally lectured my son on a hunting trip, check your bag. No knives, no nothing. I walked straight through. So I am banned from TSA for one calendar year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Gosh, hashtag just saying. If you want to see a 14-year-old with his just pointing out, going, ah, that was my 14-year-old, and I deserved every second of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Yeah, now he's going to have to stand there in that long, long line. Well, hey, who was that that wrote in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And Elise, you're a saint. Thank you for being amazing. And I'll tell everybody again, I'm just a guy that runs my mouth on a podcast. Y'all are the ones, the men and women who are at home doing the work and asking the hard conversations and changing your marriages and choosing to confront old traumas and choosing to forgive and move on. Y'all are the ones doing this work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It's one of my life's greatest honors to walk alongside you guys. All you brave men and women who are trying to make your lives and those who come after you's lives a little bit better. Thank you all for blessing me. I love you guys. See you soon. Bye. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Where are other places he doesn't stick up for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So let's forget him and let's forget her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
So when you think about your relationship with him, what do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Part of a fulfilling relationship is somebody having the courage that when their spouse is not welcome, They get up and walk out the door. Because in all situations, I choose her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And for whatever it's worth, Kayla, you're worth that. And I would recommend not creating humans, not having kids, not getting on the mortgage, not marrying somebody who hem haws around that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Like you're worth more than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Is that fair? Do you believe that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Well, it's not even deserve happiness. You deserve loyalty. You deserve priority. You don't deserve, I'm going to give her a good talking to, and then, well, she doesn't like you, so you just go over there in the corner. We're going to hang out over here. Are you kidding me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I mean, hopefully it sounds absurd when you hear me saying it back to you, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. And I know it's hard when you're in love with somebody, when you want something to work really bad and you're in the middle of it. It's really hard to see it. And that's why you have friends and therapists and knuckleheads on a podcast, right, that you can reach out to. But you're worth more than this whole situation. And this other woman, she's never going to like you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And she doesn't have to. Like, good on her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
The real question here is, what is this romantic relationship worth to your boyfriend? And right now he's trying to play both sides of the fence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
He invited you into his little world on his terms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
He won't marry you yet. He probably tells you he's got, like, plans or he wants to do some stuff and then, right, whatever nonsense that is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so he's stringing you along and stringing you along. And he's got this other friend group that you're kind of not included in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
It just sucks. It just sucks for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And if he was talking to me, I'd say it sucks for him too because he's not going all in in any place. And what he's going to do is he's going to, he's just breathing really shallow oxygen because he's trying to placate everything so he doesn't have to make hard decisions in his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
He doesn't have to make commitment decisions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Okay. So I think that, I think here's what I would do if I were you, I would get with a couple of girlfriends that I trust. I'm not in this little friend circle and I would do, you said things like, I want to be happy and I want, you know, I want to, I want a fulfilling marriage, things like that. I want you to be very specific about what that looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I want a guy that puts his phone down when I walk in the room. I want a guy who pauses or mutes the game when I walk into the living room. Because I'm worth more than a bunch of multimillionaire dudes playing a game that I'm just watching. I'm not even playing. I want to know that we're going to talk about a budget every month. That we're on the same page with how we spend our money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Ask A-S-K. And don't forget, hit the subscribe button on the YouTubes or leave a five-star review. It makes such a big difference for putting us up in the algorithms. All right, let's roll out to Minneapolis and talk to Kayla. You got me on my knees, Kayla. What's up, Kayla?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
That we're on the same page with our kid raising goals. That's why I know I'm a priority. And right now, it's just, I mean, you're just a part. You're a puzzle piece in whatever world he's trying to create. And he's allowed to do that. You aren't married. He can do what he wants to do. But I'm just telling you, I think you're worth more than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
But I think the worth starts with you acknowledging it and being very specific about what you want. And then you have to lay it out for him. We've been together two and a half years. I moved into your house. Here's what moving forward looks like for me. I got to be a priority. I got to be number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so if that means like you going over to a group of friends' house that don't like me, don't want me around, I'm going to ask you to choose because I want to be with you. If it's a bunch of dude bros, yeah, that's weird. Don't go over there. But like to watch the fights or whatever, like don't do that. But you know what I'm talking about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I don't have to dance around and not be welcome places with you. I want us to build a life together. I don't want you to build this life or keep this life that you had and then you kind of fit me in over here on the side and I'll just take whatever scraps fall off your table. I want to share a meal with you. I hate this for you, Caleb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I don't think this is all she wrote because I recognize a lot of myself in him. Especially years ago, years and years when I was first dating and first thinking about getting married. I was trying to keep everything the way it was and add this new thing, this new forever partner. And I had a lot of reckoning to deal with. And I needed some people in my life to call me out on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And so maybe you're that person for him. But it all starts with you asking yourself, what do I want? And then you got to say it all out loud. You have to be willing to be fully known. Thanks for the call, Kayla. We'll be right back. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go get them goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems that make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and let's build better systems.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your soul. Let's start this year by focusing on our spiritual lives. In 2025, I wanna focus on prayer and meditation. And to do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard, hard questions and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start your year off with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the TV show, The Chosen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, the children's sections. And if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders and fostering a community for accountability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow to start this new year absolutely free. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, we all have stories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Excellent. I'm doing great. What's up in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and bad. The stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write. And we even tell our stories about our futures. And these stories are so powerful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. As we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even begin to heal your old stories and be intentional about the new stories you're writing for yourself. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life and your family's life forever for the better. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin to write new ones. Maybe think of therapy as your editorial partner helping you write new, better stories. And if you're considering therapy, I want you to consider BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Alyssa. Hey, Alyssa, what's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
Doing all right. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
All right, let's just, we don't even need waders. Let's just cannonball. Let's just do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
That whole sentence is strange. Tell me about this person you're dating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Could we come to an agreement that this season of our life is over and I'm going to do a better job of listening to your lived experiences? And I want us both to agree to stop drinking poison, hoping somebody else changes their behavior. Yeah. And you get the whole tenor of that thing shifts. And that's not mean, you may not agree with the way she's interpreting scriptures. You may not agree.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
When she says, here's my experience, you may be like, I don't get that at all. It's, bro, it's a parking garage. Only in horror movies, there's somebody with a hat. It doesn't matter. Because I'm not 5'4". Right? I'll never know that experience. But what I can say is, as for us, do we still both believe in God? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Do we still both believe in the practice of getting up most of the time and going to a third place, to church, to say hi to other hurting people and say us too, right? Do we still believe in that? Cool. Then let's figure out what box we want to walk into. And let's do that one together. And then you, brother, are going to have to grieve, man. You had a decade and a half with the church.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And you may find that it was really formative for you. It was not formative for her. Sure. And that's just the whole thing is just humbling, right? Yeah, absolutely. Well, hope for you all is. That y'all spend some time in tears together and that you are honest about, I'm going to start trying to hear for your lived experience. I'm going to trust you because I'm not in your skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I'm not in your body. I trust your lived experience. And that if you need my help or you want my opinion on something, you'll ask me. And that you know that I'm never going to give up on you. I'm never going to give up on this marriage. So I'm here. I'm here. I'd love to hear what happens, man. Let us know. Thanks for the call, my brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
All right, when we come back, we talk to a woman who is in shock over her mother-in-law's decisions. We'll be right back. Yo, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, eating right, and a million other things. You're tired and you're wired and exhausted all at the same time, and you're trying to hold everything together. I get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
But there are some small daily choices that all of us can make to feel a little more clear-headed and a little less anxious so we can show up and be steady and strong and whole for the people we love. For me, one of those little choices I make every single day includes using Organifi juices and gummies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And if she picks you, she'll hollaback girl at you, even though she ain't a hollaback girl. Let's go to Atlanta. Talk to Steven with a pH the way it's supposed to be. What's up, Steven? Hey, John.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too. Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are super easy to fit into your daily routine. Even when you're on the go, I travel a lot and I always have Organifi travel packs with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
You just mix them with water and they're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice for a great start in the morning. And I love their red juice for caffeine-free energy in the morning and in the afternoon. And of course, I love the Shilajit and the creatine and the happy drop gummies. I love gummies and I love, love healthy gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Good folks, Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 20% off. That's Organifi.com slash Deloney. Go check them out. All right, we all know this, but I'm going to say it again anyway. A strong body supports a healthy mind. And too often we overlook how connected our minds and our bodies actually are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Neglecting our bodies, like not moving, not lifting weights, not getting more flexible, can lead to increased mental and emotional stress. And I often tell folks, I have never... felt worse about myself after a good workout, only better. And this is where my friends at TrainWell comes in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not a personal trainer, it's the best of both. To get started with TrainWell, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time for you to go get to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get even better. I've used it. My wife uses it. Kelly used it. Now I've got some family members and friends using it. Everyone's getting in on Trainwell. And they've been doing these workouts because Trainwell takes away our excuses and makes working out easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
If you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz today to find your perfect trainer. And right now, TrainWell has a special offer for my audience, just 89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney right now. That's T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash deloney. Orlando, Florida. Let's talk to Amber. What's up, Amber?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I am trying to figure out what day it is. I hope you're doing well. Hang on here. I'm going to bring in your husband, Daniel. Let's see, Daniel in the lion's den. What's up, Daniel? Hey, how are you doing, John? I'm doing fantastic. All right, so which one of you, Amber or Daniel, which one of you sent in your question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
All right, I love it. Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
What was his name? JC. JC. Good guy? Yeah. He was good. He was strong. That's awesome. I'm sorry about your loss, man. I'm glad you got to spend part of your life with him. Sounds like JC was a good man. Thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Golly. Okay, so tell me, JC passed away when? Back in January of last year. Okay, so it's been about a year, but three months after he passes, your mom's hitting the market already. Yeah. How old is she? She's 58. That feels fast, man. Yeah. What were their conversations like before? I mean, I don't want to judge anybody's grief. Everybody does grief different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
But just if somebody were to call me, I would say take six months before you hop into anything. What were the conversations like when you found out she was already dating again? Oh, boy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Oh, she cheated on your bio dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Who were you most angry at during the divorce? Did you know about your mom back then or did you blame dad? I did not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I'm 26. So for 20 years, um, You didn't know that it was actually your mom that blew up your household as a little kid. And then not only did she blow it up, she wallpapered over it with just showering you with gifts and love and affection. Were you the youngest?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Okay, so you were just the baby boy. And two decades later... you're finding out, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So here's what I would suggest. I would suggest if you're not there yet, it usually goes from disbelief, like to what? To a rage that you don't know you're going to be able to control. Do you have any relationship with your bio dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Have you talked to him about this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Yeah, he knows very well. Have you all talked to him about the affair, what blew up the marriage when you were a kid? I think it was really the cheating. That's what I mean, but have you talked to your bio dad about that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Yeah, about the affair and all that that caused the divorce. I guess I never have. Okay. It may be worth it. It may not be, but it may be worth it to sit down with him one day and say, Dad, this is going to be hard for you. Will you tell me the story of what happened when I was four, five, and six? I'm finding stuff out about mom, and my sisters are telling me stuff. I just, like, what happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And he may say, you know what? Bygones are bygones. I don't want to go back through all that stuff. You don't need to hear that. I'm not going to talk bad about your mom, yada, yada. He may do all that and would be honorable and cool. Or he may say, hey, yeah, I'll tell you. So Amber, hearing this, what's going through your mind? Why did you initially reach out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
The words coming out of my mouth are going to be harsh. I want you to know I'm sitting right here with you, okay? Okay. What's up? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you live with the world on fire. Trying to be a voice of compassion and reason in a world obsessed with just screaming at everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
What do y'all want it to look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I've got friends that make decisions in their lives values-wise and beliefs-wise very different than me. They're still my friends. I still love them. I still love their kids. I still love their husbands and their wives. I care about them, but very, very different lives. And there's people who just make decisions that I'm like, hey, I'm distancing myself from that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And all that's more complicated because this is Daniel's mother, right? And this is your mother-in-law. It makes it hard. But can you all go with a straight face while she's dating a married man? Or is that one where you guys are drawing a line? If my dad died, I'm just trying to put myself in your position.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
If my dad died and in three months from now, my mom was dating one of his friends who was still married. Yeah, I'd have a real problem with that. I just think character still means something, and I think integrity still means something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Okay. So hold on, hold on. Don't, don't blow over that. In many ways, that's all you need to know. Hey mom, you're making decisions that are going to have ramifications for you, for our family. And I know you're lonely. I know you're heartbroken, all these things. Um, me and my sister, you raised us better than this. She looks at you and says, I don't give a crap what you say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I'm gonna do whatever I want. What she's telling you is, I don't want your opinions. I don't want your judgments. I don't want anything. And so what she's also saying is, if a value or a boundary you and Amber have is that I'm a person of good moral character and I don't sleep with my ex-husband's married friend, then I'm opting out of hanging out with you guys. I don't want to be with you then.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Yeah. You, brother, have to deal with the heartbreak that your mom is choosing that over her son, over her daughters, over her grandkids. Yeah. And then you got to realize, oh, she did this when I was six years old. And that's just heartbreaking, man. And Amber, there's few things harder than a wife sitting by a heartbroken husband and just being present with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
That's heartbreaking. I mean, there's no easy path through that other than doing a really hard thing. I know a lot of women are like, man, I wish my husband was more vulnerable. And then when moments like this come, it's really hard to sit in that glow, right? In that vulnerable glow, it's scary. And you choosing to be uncomfortable and lean into that and sit close to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And it just stinks for a while. It sucks. And then Daniel, you and Amber decide, y'all get to decide together. What does moving forward mean? Does this mean as long as she is continuing to have a sexual relationship with a married man, we're not going to go to Christmas at her house? Wow, that's crazy that you say that, dude. Why is that? That's exactly how I feel. Well, put it down on paper.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Sit down and say it out loud to your wife. And I think, here's the thing. I think the conversation, I think your feelings towards, I don't want to be around my mom. I don't want to go to Christmas. It's easy to double click on her particular action in this moment. And if she was to call my show, this is going to sound crazy. I would be super compassionate to her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
If she just lost a 20 year marriage to a great guy, JC, and her mind just goes a little bit, and she just hits the dating market, tries to find connection. And one of the quickest ways to find connection is through quick sex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And then she finds some connection and some guy tells her, some 60 year old man tells her some bill of goods about how he's not really divorced, but they've been separated for a long time. And my wife didn't understand me like you understand me. And it just feels good to be in somebody's arms three months after like, I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I would tell her, hey, you're about to blow up everything, but I wouldn't be mad at her. I'd be heartbroken with her, right? But I want you to hear what I think you're really heartbroken about is your mom looked at you and said, I don't care about you. And I think that's why you don't want to go spend Christmas with her. Or I do care about you, but I care about you on my terms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
But this one's a tough one. This one's an odd mix of a grieving widow, compassion, and grief doesn't give us license just to blow up other people's lives and blow up our lives and to make really awful decisions. It's a tough season. At the end of the day, Amber and Daniel, what y'all can control is y'all and the house y'all want to create. So sit down and spend some time grieving that together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
The picture you had of life with JC, life with your mother, life with them being great grandparents, because that picture's gone now. And let's be about seeing and imagining a new picture. Thanks for the call, guys. All right, when we come back, we talk to a woman who is wrestling with her roommate's disgusting habits. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
More and more people are becoming aware of the need to take care of themselves, whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to a fear of judgment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And I understand this. I have felt that same judgment before when I finally tried to get up the courage to get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families. It impacts workplaces. It impacts their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And if I can be selfish on your behalf for a minute, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy and it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. So to get started, you just get online and fill out a short survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily for no extra cost. Listen, we're all better with help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, Albany, New York. Let's talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I'm doing great. Thanks for hopping on last minute this morning. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Good deal. So what's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
No, no, no, no. Leave your mom out of this. I mean, if you're mad at your mom... Okay, 21-year-olds are disgusting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
They're just gross. Now, there's a whole group of 30-year-old men listening to this being like, uh-uh, I was clean when I was... Okay, good, great. Most of us were disgusting. My wife, every time she sees my roommate when I was 21, when I was a coach and a high school teacher, and he's still a great friend, one of my closest friends. His name's Tucker. He was a salesman there in Houston.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
We lived together. My wife still credits him with raising me because he was actually clean, and I was disgusting. Dude, I was feral. My mom raised a good kid. She did her best. I was just gross. And I've been around enough 21-year-olds. Like, 21, they're just gross. Just is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
How is she, um, articulated or what is she articulating specifically about why she She left that church while she wants to disassociate herself from it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
So let's deal with that problem. And by the way, he phrased it so delicately. How did you phrase it? He has a higher tolerance for food.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
You're giving him way too much credit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
It doesn't even enter his mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
In college, when I was 21, my roommates and I, we, we just go to Goodwill and buy new dishes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Yeah. Cause it was $4 for like a stack of plates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Nope, we set them outside. When I think back to that, that's absurd. That's insane. That's wasteful. It's gross. It's all those things. Yeah. The alternative never occurred. I'm not cleaning that. Let's just go get some. Four bucks. And by the way, we had no money. We're like splitting nickels in quarters. It just seemed like a better use of our time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Yeah, you're giving him way too much credit. It was like four or five years into me being married before my wife was like, oh, you don't see that pile of clothes. And I was like, what? In the same way, I would be like, hey, you don't see that sketchy guy that just came in with your back turned in the restaurant. Like, I see him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And so it's just like, I guarantee you didn't see it. I can't guarantee it. Let me say this way. I mean, either he's a terrible human being and he's just doing this to stress out a sister, which is a whole other issue. Or I can take the high road here and just assume he's like most other 21 year olds and he just go bebopping through life and he didn't even notice it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Oh, gosh, because he's trying to say, hey, you're just my bratty older sister. And you're trying to say, no, no, no. In this environment, I'm your mother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And those that tension is not going to work. So at some point, you have to sit down and say, hey, I've been trying to be your mom. I'm not going to be your mom anymore. I'm not going to be our mom anymore. I'm your sister. And for this to work out for both of us, I need your help cleaning stuff up. And sometimes I'll say, please, just know I'm always grateful, but we've got to do this together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And I'm sorry for acting like your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And he'll probably go, oh, okay. And that's sometimes 21 year old male way of saying, I'm sorry too. Or you can say, you have to say the words, I'm sorry also. Right. Or whatever. But he's being little brother. Just imagine y'all are six and 10. That same dynamic never changes. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
It just is. And so just call it out and put on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And she has always said that your whole life. Why would you expect it to change now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Okay, so let me ask you the bigger question. Why are you living with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Okay, so let me change the language a little bit. Your body went to flight, and your brothers, with a non-biological male, two bulls in a china shop, one old bull and one young bull, he went to fight. Both of you experienced the trauma of having another man tell you all how to live your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
You chose safety through making sure everybody was at peace, and you knew how to play the system and get out of the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And he did not. One isn't the better. They're both trauma responses. One's going to get somebody broken bones and black eyes, but that doesn't make it any better or worse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Yeah. Your brother's had somebody bail him out of his whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And that's not a bad thing. Little kids need to be bailed out. Young boys need to be bailed out. They're still kids. He's 21. In reality, you just hit him upside the head. It's a harsh reality for 21-year-old boys, but it did. And you took on a maternal role.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Which is, kudos to you. That's an awesome big sister. Yeah. But he needs to know his place in this world. I took you in. You have to play a role in this house. Yeah. And that means keeping things clean, taking care of business. And by the way, you got eight months, you got six months, and then you got to get your own place. And those are just hard conversations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
But the greatest gift you can give him is confidence that he can stand up on his own two feet. Because what we don't want is him to be like the millions of unmarriable men in this country who are 26 years old and have no skills, no anything. They don't shower. They don't go to work. They don't do anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Okay, so instead of being his mother, you can be his loving sister. And you've got three years in quote-unquote real world ahead of him. Yeah. So you can say, this is how it's going to go. And then, by the way, he may make some poor choices trying to figure out his pinballing through life because he sounds like he doesn't have a good male role model.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And so he's going to go searching for where does he fit and where does he belong and who's in his tribe. And for many 21-year-old men, their tribe is given to them in the form of, here's who we're all going to hate together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And so letting him know he's got an older sister who's not his mother, but who will always be by his side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
My older sister got me through some dark times because I knew she'd always be there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And my sister will storm the gates of hell on my behalf. I'm going to get all choked up. My sister, like, heaven help the person who gets between, who hurts her younger brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And by the way, I just want to applaud you. Thanks for picking him up. You've probably been picking him up most of his life, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
You're a good big sister. I would sit down and say, hey, we got to talk. We're going to go chit chat. And I would tell him, hey, this is a growing up conversation for both of us. I'm no longer mom. I'm not wearing that hat anymore. I am your big sister. And I'm going to tell you some hard truth. And I will be your best advocate in this crazy world if you want to walk with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I'll tell you what girls want when you're trying to date them. I'll tell you what's dumb. I'll tell you if you look good in these clothes. I'll tell you if this is a good idea for going to college. I'll walk with you. But I'm not going to keep going into the weight room and taking the weight off the bar thinking I'm helping you get stronger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And if you're going to live in my house, then you're going to pay rent. You're going to help clean up. We're going to have chore charts like we did when we were kids. We're going to do things that over time make us civilized. He doesn't have a Tucker who ended up being one of the greatest gifts that I ever received in my life. One, he was just, he's still a great friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
He's one of my closest friends in the world. But he just had the courage to tell me, hey, you're gross. Clean this up. Stop. Disgusting. Why do you do that? And I was like, oh, yeah, you're right. It's repulsive. And that helped me become more mariable. And I'm grateful to him for that for every day. I assure you, my wife is too. So that's where I would start, Nicole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And man, you can go down the rabbit hole of blaming your mom for why she, I'd stay out of that for now. You've been mad at your mom for a long, long, long time. And I wouldn't lump that in with your challenges with your brother right now. That's between you and a therapist. Thanks for the call, my sister. We'll be right back. Okay, it's time for a quick word about delete me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading people right back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a PH where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and be your friend and be all trying to help you out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And you get an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you. They're not. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. So what's any of us to do? You can start by controlling what you can. You can learn about how to be careful offline and online, and you can sign up with Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I use and recommend Delete.me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way, I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having all of my data and trying to sell it to each other. Delete.me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Stop phishing attacks, stop online harassment and threats before they start, and take control of your digital privacy with Delete.me. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off their annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, what is something cool that happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
So I'm going to change the language here. Sure. The words coming out of my mouth are going to be harsh. Okay. I want you to know I'm sitting right here with you, okay? Okay. I'm using your experience to speak to a broader audience listening. Is that cool? Yeah, do it. Okay. So I want you to stop referring to your wife's lived experience as her quote-unquote point of view.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Oh, that is making me so happy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Oh, that's so good. Last night, Kelly, my daughter challenged me. This is what she called it. Dad, let's go outside, yard fight. And I was like, what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
yard fight she wanted to just go fight me in the front yard and i thought we're gonna get the cops called so and by the way she when she punches they are like atomic windmills they come from her soul so it's not just like patty caking it would look bad if you were driving by and she is on top of me just raining down blows and so i got a a lacrosse ball and i was like okay we're gonna play a game where i'm gonna throw it across the yard and we have to sprint across the yard to get it
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I haven't laughed that hard. And people were driving real slow. The neighbor's dog in the front yard was just on DEFCON high alert, just staring at us like, what's happening? I haven't laughed that hard. And we came in covered in grass. She had grass in her ears, her nose, her hair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And my wife was like, I would do anything to be challenged to a yard fight and actually want to go out there and do that. And I'm glad that only one of us is yard fighting. If two parents are out there, it probably wouldn't be great. But I do appreciate coming from a house where somebody, it's not their inclination. I appreciate that mother gritting her teeth and just being like, I'm struggling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And her thinking, I have to wash these clothes now. I got to get new shoes. I'm going to have to get the car clean. I get that. But just taking that moment, you can't do that every day. But man, the occasional yard fight is, The occasional rolling the windows down in the car wash. So good. So good. Ask yourself, will they tell this at our funeral?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And if the answer is yes, they probably ought to do it. Unless it's going to be all of y'all's funeral. The next few minutes, then maybe we need an adult on scene. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
A point of view is an opinion on what I would call a benign topic or it could be a malignant topic. That's probably the wrong word there. But I have a point of view on whether – My old beat up Tundra is a good truck. And somebody else may have a point of view that that truck is not good. Right? Your wife has a lived experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And what I have learned over the years is my opinion over what another person is experiencing inside their body and in their chest doesn't matter. What matters is that when somebody says, here is how I experience this thing, that I pull up a seat and say, tell me more. Well, I'm sorry that it hurts like this. And as you said, you said it well, I don't have your same experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
A good example is I don't think I'm a loud, tall, tattooed up, six foot two male that trained with professional fight team for several years. It doesn't, I don't think twice about walking through a, um, a parking garage. My wife can't breathe. Right. And so if, if when she tells me when she gets in the car and exhales, I'm like, what are you doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Well, she wouldn't do it with me, but if she gets in a car and says, Hey, I just want to tell you, I just got in the car after I would be like, what are you talking about? You know there's no crimes in this. I would start going at her as though it was her viewpoint, as though I'm arguing about the shocks on my truck. It's a good truck. It's got 200,000 miles, but it's a good engine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And I would be approaching it there instead of listening and saying, hey, that walk from here to there, I am a 115-pound, 5'4 female. Anybody, a middle schooler could take me down, right? Like there's just a different lived experience. And so it's pulling up a seat and saying, I don't have that lived experience. I would love to hear more. That's number one, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And it feels like all the grownups are sitting in the sandbox, throwing sand at each other and saying, I'm going to take my ball and go home. And the rest of us are trying to figure out how to pay for eggs and try to keep our kids safe and trying to figure out what AI means. Like we're just trying to figure out how to do life, how to be married anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Now, for those people who are banging on the dashboard of their car or getting mad at me about to skip this call, I want to call out. You can have a lived experience and choose to pull yourself out of that lived experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
But when you choose to seek out other people and based in it, just sit in it like it's a hot tub and gossip about it and write about it and scream about it, not as though we're trying to change the lived experience, but as though our identity is now in not solving a problem, not helping the women who are there, but just bleh. then that's unhelpful too. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And so I think it's right to say, hey, honey, I blew this. You came to me a year ago and said, this is what you were feeling inside your own chest. And I tried to come at you with a graph and a spreadsheet. I'm sorry. That's not what you were saying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
You were saying you were going to a church that for a decade and a half, you didn't feel heard, you didn't feel seen, you felt used, whatever words she's used, right? And those are just words I've heard of women in certain churches. I didn't hear you. I'd love to hear your experience. That's number one, okay? And you will never be able to feel her lived experience because...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
many churches were made for you and me. They weren't made for our wives, right? In fact, the opposite. So we have that conversation, right? The second one is then her choosing to go back and drink poison, hoping somebody else dies is of no value to your home. And so that's a thing that she can opt out of, right? Yeah. Unless she wants to start a
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Like a recovery – if she wants to put some action into the world to make the world a better place, great. If she wants to be a part of protests in front of the church, great. But just sitting around gossiping and complaining about it is in and of itself its own problem. Get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me about the story you've created that now she thinks you are one of those guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Is that true? Or is that just a story you're telling yourself? I'm, you know, it's, it's very likely a story I'm just telling myself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And so cutting through all the noise, getting in under the smoke and sitting with you here, just pull up a chair. Trying to figure out what's the next right move for your marriage, your mental and emotional health for 20 plus years. More than two decades now, I've been sitting with hurting people, regardless of what's going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Gotcha. So here's how I'd approach this in my house. And by the way, my wife went to church for years without me. I didn't believe in the whole thing. I blew the whole thing off. Yeah. And then when we had kids, when Hank came along, my son came along, I wasn't fully there yet. I wasn't all the way back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And I went because I didn't want to be that dad who stayed at home while his wife and their kid went to church. So I just went. And that ended up being my path back, which was good. There's been seasons when I went to a different church because sometimes I don't want to be, I just, I'm on a Sunday morning and I don't have the stomach for someone just to get up there and yell at me or lecture me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
and i have found amazing peace walking into an ornate catholic church and just listening to the singing and the chanting and the exhale and the the ritual of it and i'm not catholic right and there's been other times when fill in the blank film i need a group of guys and we all go sit in the woods and we sit on a campfire so whatever the thing is all i have to say is this a really um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
important exercise when it comes to faith and theology and spirituality and all those things, whatever words you want to use there is for married couples to sit down and have the values and beliefs conversation. You ever heard me talk about this? Yeah, definitely. Okay. So sitting down and saying, okay, as for us in our household, we believe in a higher power. We believe in God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
We believe in Jesus. We believe in boot. Like whatever you want to say as for us, this is where we are putting an anchor in. And then when it comes to how that is lived out, I want my wife to have different beliefs than me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
It makes things more, it makes things less convenient, but I'm not, I don't want to have a life at the end of, I don't want to die and be like, man, my life was really convenient. I want to have a life where I felt like, I was sharpened as sharp as I could be. And that comes from sitting with people who have different thoughts and ideas and whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And somebody's always gonna have to exhale when they walk into a church. I don't like the band. I don't like the singer. I don't like the preacher. I don't like the Sunday school. Like that's just life, right? And you just, you go and you make that part of your life. So having that conversation can be really instructive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I've literally sat in people's front yard and held them while we watched their house burn down. Sometimes I feel like that's what we're doing. That's what I'm going to do on the show. I'm going to sit with you and help you figure out what's the next right move for you, for your family, for your kids, for your friends, wherever you find yourself. If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Or choose this frame, okay? Sure. If you – is there any chance y'all are going to get divorced?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Okay. We want to make this work. Let's assume that we're making this thing work. There's no off, there's no exit ramp. There's no off ramp. Okay. Yes. So if you were to take her out and say, I want to take you out to a long breakfast tomorrow morning. And she said, okay. And you sat down and you said, I blew it. What are you talking about? I blew it. What?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And I don't know how often you say, I'm sorry, or I was wrong. Some men say it a lot. Some men never say it. So you may blow her mind just saying that, or that may be something she hears regularly. But if you say, you came to me 10 years ago, you came to me five years ago, you came to me two years ago, And you were telling me about a lived experience as a woman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And I came at you with a Bible verse and a chart and a graph. I didn't listen to you. And I blew it. I'm sorry. A, once she picks her jaw off the floor, if you then followed up with, I came at you with judgment on your ideas, on your thoughts, et cetera. And I just want to be curious. Would you honor me by just letting me sit here and listen to your lived experience?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
And you may have heard all this before, but her spirit might be one of not trying to convince you, but it might be one of talking with you, not at, but with. And then when you have this conversation, it might be 10 minutes. It might be two hours. If you ask yourself curious questions, ask her curious questions. Wow. So tell me about that. Like, how does that feel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
JohnDeloney.com slash ask. We used to have a toll-free number, and then the Utes were like, what's toll-free mean? And what's a phone? We talk into it. So anyway, just go to the website, JohnDeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you can fill out the form. It goes right to... her Highness Kelly, and she puts together the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
Like what, when this happened, like what was going through your mind? You must've felt so lonely with me sitting there just going, yeah. Like, have that conversation. And this is the old, do your best to walk a mile in her shoes. And at the end of the conversation, say, I've got something that's weighing on me. Is it okay? Is this a good time for me to bring it up? Sure, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Left the Church (and Wants Me to Leave Too)
I recognize that I didn't hear you in your lived experience. And yet... I feel like this bad experience, you've left it, but you took pictures of it. Not pictures, like photographs, but you took pictures of it, like water, and you put it in a fridge and you just drink it every morning. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I'll tell you, just you personally, If you're trying to work a full-time job and be a full-time present parent, that's got a very short shelf life to it. Either you will crash and burn. You will not be where you are. You won't be honoring your workplace by also trying to cram in a full-time parent slash teacher role too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Right now, I want you to spend more time on your business than three hours a day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
So it's all a trade off and it all comes back to you and your wife saying values, values, values, values. Yeah. I'm a huge fan of at least one of the breadwinners in the house. One of the, I hate that word, but one of the main earners in the house, um, just going bananas in their twenties. In early 30s. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
All right, let's go out to Manchester and talk to Ben. What's up, Ben? Hey, John. How are you? Dude, I'm doing great, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Because the research tells me that that's expertise and that hard work and those connections and that networking and those skills you learn, how hard you push yourself professionally, getting trained, getting opportunities, saying yes to a lot of stuff. That's what guides your 30s and 40s and 50s. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And so there's something to be said for I'm going to grind and grind and grind and grind and grind. And I'm still going to get up early and have breakfast. And I'm still going to stay up and do silly things with my kids. And I'm just going to be tired in my 20s. It's just kind of part of it. There's no such thing as balance, right? There's no such thing as balance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And by the way, AI is going to screw it all up. All these things we're talking about, who knows in five years what that's going to look like. So I love that you're thinking down the road. Amazing. Don't overstress about stuff 10 years from now because God help us. Who knows, dude? We might have a colony on Mars by then. Who knows?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And we might all be driving 79 Fords because that's the last time they made a truck with a computer in it. And maybe that's all we got left, right? Who knows, dude? But I do want you and your wife to spend time thinking about the values. As for our house, what do we want it to feel like in the evenings? What kind of relationship do we want to have with our kids? And what's that going to cost us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
You don't want your wife to work in five or 10 years? That's a math problem. How much money do you have to make for that to be true? What kind of house are you gonna live in so that you can afford that kind of shift? What kind of cars are you gonna not buy so that y'all can afford to do these things that you value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Values is a much harder conversation than just sitting around complaining about schools.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
values force you to say okay who are we gonna be and i love that question for every couple and i love every couple to do that every year too um because values you know get stress tested and pushed and beliefs change i love that but dude you're on the right path and i'll just say this man your your little two-year-old boy he won the lottery getting used to that that's awesome man awesome that you're so invested thinking five ten years down the road amazing
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And yes, it's okay that you loved your kid, but you didn't really like him until he turned six months. That's fine. You're good to go, man. You're just in the right place. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and weird and full of stains?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing, comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep all the time. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on, Helix.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Dude, I've got one in New Hampshire. That's fantastic. I used to teach high school geography, and I don't know that I could point out New Hampshire on the map. That's embarrassing, Kelly. See, she goes with her judgy face. I know it's up there. I know it's up that-a-way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I want to tell you this, my Helix mattress has helped me to get to sleep faster and sleep deeper so that I can wake up more refreshed to be the husband and dad that I need to be. Helix has mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot, if you got spine concerns, if you lie on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. So right now, I want you to stop for two minutes, get online, and take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did. You'll find the perfect mattress, and you can buy it right now, and they'll ship it to your door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Right now, Helix has a special March sale that's tied into that big basketball tournament that's going on. To celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and cinderellas, you can get 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish it wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's just where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives take place on the internet, somehow it's become normal to give away our email addresses and our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I recently looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me Dude, they've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, by removing all this stuff, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. We can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Lincoln, Nebraska and talk to Heidi. Hey, Heidi, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I'm doing all right. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Fantastic. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
One, sorry about the loss of your friend, ma'am.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And actually, sorry for the loss of both your friends because your best girlfriend is, she's a different woman now. Her life is different now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And that's one of those, you had plans, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Yeah. And it's fun to, like, dream about being old, fat, rocking chair people who, yeah, I hate that for you, man. I'm sorry. Been there. Been there. And I hate it. Hate it. So this is hard. I'm going to say it, but I'm going to be pretty direct. And if you and I were just sitting down talking and we had a couple of hours, I'd be a little more gentle. Is that cool?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
How long ago was this wreck?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
The wreck happened three months ago?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Okay. So I would tell you until year one is up, the smoke hasn't even begun to clear after three months. The paperwork is done. The T's have been crossed and the I's have been dotted. But grief hasn't even begun to begin to ebb. Not for you and your husband, especially not for her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
My rule of thumb is, in fact, I told somebody this morning in a personal phone call who's just experienced a pretty tragic loss, no decisions for six to nine months. No quitting jobs, no getting divorced, no selling houses, nothing for six to nine months just because you don't know what day it is, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And so I'll tell you that like three months is still, she's still waking up and reaching over the other side of the bed, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And she's still walking through the house on a relatively good day in a wave of grief. She'll find herself curled up in a fetal position on the floor. Then you know where it came from, right? And she calls you. There will be a transition time and maybe it's now. Everybody does this differently. So there's not a right way. I love Kessler says grief is like a fingerprint. It's unique to everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
At some point in three months, actually it's pretty raw. Maybe in another month, maybe another two or three months. And you knowing your friend, no, now's a good time or not a good time. Is you cannot become her therapist. You got to stay a friend. And for friends, there's a clarifying conversation that goes along something like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Yes. And you will probably not like him from the ages of two to five. And then when he turns 14, like mine is, I'm already counting down the days. I'm already pretty sad that he's going to leave me in three years. So it's awesome. It's amazing. It's awesome. Good for you, brother. Thanks. Thank you so much, man. I'm glad that you're with us, dude. So what's up? How can I help today? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's similar to you have a best friend who just went through pregnancy loss and you find out you're pregnant. Those conversations have to be had directly, head on. Me and my husband are buying a house. we are going to start having a family or whatever the things are. And I want to honor you by you set the gauge on what you can hear and not hear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
But the greatest gift, Heidi, you can give for your friend is to be fully you. And fully you is also grieving and also experiencing some pretty awesome personal moments.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Well, I think I'm just a huge fan of putting it all on the table. Like saying, I love you so much. And this is so weird. I don't know what to say. So I'm looking to you for how I can best love you. Like, I don't even, I can't wrap my head around being in your situation and I will always be your friend. And also we just bought this gigantic house and we'd love to have you over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And I don't know how to say it. And giving her permission to say, like, if you can't come over, I totally get it. And also, if she's like, oh my gosh, I need somebody in my life to be having something good happening. You get what I'm saying? So I think putting on the table and saying, I want to love you, and I don't know how to do that right now. I'm going to look to you for guidance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And there's also, here's the thing, that's a real thin line because also the single most annoying thing that can happen to somebody who just got tragic news, Kelly, and I've talked about this a lot, is... they find themselves getting bombarded with, how are you texts? And then they feel like they have to answer it in just the right way so to not make anyone else have a bad day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
We can talk about the merits and all that of homeschooling versus public school and private school. We can talk about all that, but... What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. man, I hope you're doing well. Talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I hope, I hope you're doing well. And on this show, here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And suddenly you find yourself having to take care of everybody in your life and you're the one hurting, right? And so there's that weird, I'm your best friend, so I'm going to keep showing up with meals. And I'm your best friend, so I'm just going to show up at your house. We're going to go for a walk and I'm going to point blank. I
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Tell me what you miss about, you know, tell me what you miss about Mark. Tell me. I want to hear it. And her eyes might get real wide and be like, yeah, we're talking about it. Unless you don't want to. Like, so there's that. And then the other side of it is, I don't know how, I don't know your capacity for hearing great news. And I don't know, I don't want to, I don't want to bomb you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I just don't know what to do. Can you, can you help me give me some guidance? Do you get how there's a tension there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And I guess just to get it out of your head, you're going to say something stupid. You just are. All of us do. I do this for a living, and I still say stuff, and I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me take that back. I didn't mean to say it like that. I still do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
No, no. No, and I love that you're trying to get this one right. If I'm being honest, it sounds... Those of us who are around the blast but aren't immediately affected in as profound a way, if that makes sense, which sounds awful. This is one of your closest friends on the planet. But there's concentric circles, right? And she's at the very center of this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's easy to, quote unquote, try to get back to the way things were.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And who you'll become. Because it would be wild, right? if your husband isn't five minutes late and your heart rate goes up 10 beats a second, like 10 beats a minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Every time. Right. Right. Or you see his phone is, is like, he's supposed to be home at six from work and he calls at six Oh five. And you grab that phone really aggressively. Like you're different now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And it's just metabolizing it. Everything in your life is different because you now know how precious it is. And you look at your big, handsome, tough, mustached husband. I don't know. I just made up a whole caricature of your husband. Who knows? But you look at him and you now have a, like, in your nervous system, you know deeply inside your body any second he could go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
and that changes how you grief that changes how you guys fight and how you how you repair it how you make up right how you make sure you tell each other you love each other before you go and so there's something to be said for you and him getting on the same page too like hey this is three months after you lost your best friend on the planet tell me what tell me how you're how we're doing how are you doing what are you noticing about yourself the big things the little things um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
You be honest. Every time you leave and get in the car, I catch my breath. And that's just how a couple grieves together. Y'all going to grieve at different paces. And he might be like, I'm fine. I'm good. You're not, you're not fine. You lost your best friend 90 days ago. Right. But everybody just does it different. But yeah, for her three months. Yeah. She's, she's just getting started.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Yeah, it's a lot. And being able to tell her, I love you. You can always call me. I'll go with you to your first counseling appointment, but I can't be your therapist. I'll direct you to our money manager person or the smart investor I use or whatever. I'll point you to that, but I can't make your money decisions for you. And that's really a hard conversation, but that's also a blessing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And she might say, well, then screw you. I don't want you to call me anymore. And she gets to do that for a season too because she's just a raw exposed nerd.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Yeah. And you, and you can say like, all right, you don't have to talk to me right now, but I love you. And I'm going to call you again. Call me. I'll call you till you block me. And then I'll probably still keep calling. You can still keep showing up at your house until you tell me, do not come here. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And it usually doesn't get there, but it's just expect the swings and expect the hard stuff. It's just, it's just awful, man. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
But I'll tell you this, man, being a friend that's trying to get it right and being a friend who's, I just love your spirit, I guess. I mean, it's easy to be like, why can't she be happy for me? You acknowledge her whole world's over and she's just sitting in the ash of what once was trying to just like pick up half burned photograph to see if it still looks right. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Like it's just trying to figure out all 10 fingers and 10 toes kind of thing for her. And it will be that way for some time. And so you setting the boundary and just putting on the table, I don't know. I don't know, but I want to love you. I don't want to be here. And you let me know what you can handle. And by the way, she might be like, I want to hear about all the good stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I can't wait to hear. And then you start telling her, okay, we just bought our dream house. It's this big. It's amazing. It's the one we looked at. And then you'll hear the other phone just go numb silent. That's okay. Or she plans to come over to your new house and like look all around and like help you decorate a room. And then five minutes before she calls and says, I can't do it today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's when you exhale and give her grace and say, I totally get it. Love you. Let's put another day on the calendar, right? It's just going to be that sort of rhythm and you having the courage to say, well, I'm going to stop you right there. I can't be your therapist on this one, but I'll go with you on the first meeting. And you letting her know, I love you. And here's my boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's awesome. She's lucky to have you. Thanks for the call, Heidi. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Okay. We'll talk, we can talk about the merits and all that of, of homeschooling versus public school and private school. We can talk about all that. And I love that conversation. It's one of my favorite things, but.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent Challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, and y'all will follow along with two kids learning how to live out gratitude every single day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free, so you're covered all through Lent and beyond.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Go check out Halo at halo.com slash Deloney for three free months. That's Halo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Travis. Hey, Travis, what's up, man? Hey, Dr. John, how's it going? Doing great, brother. How are you, man? I am good on paper. Ooh. Tell me more about that. So...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
for you and all new parents like the way you and i grew up which is you go to one school and then you just go to the feeder middle school and you go to the feeder high school that world is over now yeah and so i want you to feel free to make a decision a year at a time okay sometimes even a semester at a time Um, it's just kind of a mess out there. It's the wild West right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Yeah. So just as a guy who's been a parent for a long time, everyone's lying to you. You're just now figuring out that lie. There's no joy. There's no joy in parenthood. I'm just playing, man. So you have a three-year-old and how old? Eight months. Eight months. Tell me about them. Boy, girl, names. Don't give me their names. That's fine. But boy, girl, tell me about them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Um, how's your marriage, man? It's good, but this is a sore spot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
All right, let's put a pin in that. Tell me about growing up, man. Where'd you grow up? Tell me about your folks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Is that a good thing or not a good thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Yeah. And, and to his, not to his credit, but to his, uh, defense, his generation was told. Yeah. If a man lets anybody behind that iron curtain, you're a coward, you're weak, you're a failure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's right. And the lie was the rock is – it's not like in Japan the architecture is designed for these gigantic, powerful, strong buildings to be very, very flexible to absorb earthquakes. that's not how these men were told strength was. They were told, you will be on an anchored foundation, which means when there's an earthquake, it falls over and it can never be put back. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I heard one man say, I feel like if I start crying, I will never stop. Right? And my guess is that's probably your old man. How'd your mom die? She passed away from breast cancer that spread. Take me back to 11-year-old Travis. What was that like? What was like 10-year-old Travis?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's all I was looking for was fun. And when did you find out mom got sick? How long was she sick before she passed away? It was about two years from when she told us to when she passed away. Okay. And so you just had a ringside seat from nine to 10 to 11 of watching your mom slowly fade out. Yeah. Okay. I can't imagine any more powerless feeling than being nine years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And, um, so all I have to say is when you put pressure on yourself with a two year old, um, Or let me put it this way. You and I both went to a schooling system that was, if you're not in this class by third grade, you're not going to get into the other class by fifth grade. If you're not in that class, you're not going to get into honors math.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
being 10 years old and watching mom slip through your hand, like sand at a beach.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Have you let your 11 year old self off the hook for that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Awesome. And that's healing, right? You can think back and be like, man, I wish when I was 11, right, I A, hadn't peed in my neighbor's flower bed, and B, I wish I had the right words to say for my mother who was terminally ill, right? I mean like you can think about that, but it doesn't overwhelm you. Is that right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I'm shooting in the dark here, man. Because this is one of those situations you and I could talk for a couple of hours, man. You sound like somebody I would love just to sit and be quiet and listen. Because it sounds like you've got a pretty powerful story. Just your life has been pretty rich. My guess here is that at some point along the way, your body put some GPS pins in feelings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
they did because if you feel anything that level of pain can get you again so your body's way of taking care of you was just to shut the entire system down and you may have got enough from your dad about hey you still got to go do the next right thing so you got good grades you got married you're good at your job you had two kids and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
but your entire, what I would call the other 90% of your life, which is the perceiving and the feeling and the emotions, the good stuff and the painful stuff, that system is off and disconnected because 10-year-olds aren't supposed to bury their mothers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Absolutely. I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall, dude. I almost feel like it's the opposite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
If you're not in honors math, you're not going to get into honors whatever in high school. And then you're just doomed to live under a bridge, right? That's the world we grew up in. That world doesn't exist. It's a wild west. So you do what's best for you and your family this year. And then you do its best.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's fair. So I was half right. Yeah. Yeah. And so you actually added a more complex layer to it, which is we're not going to feel, and cognitively, that 10%, you think you're a failure. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That may be the greatest analogy for what's going on inside your chest I've ever heard somebody put on paper. You just described what's going on inside your guts, dude, not on your yard. And here's the scary thing about a three-year-old. They can see right damn through you. Man, I hope not. I promise you they can. And here's how it comes out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
You'll have a three-year-old that either really wants to hug you because somehow, and I don't know how they know this, they know that that's their job because you make dad okay. Or they learn really fast that the greatest gift they can provide to dad is to just kind of be out of the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And at the same time, they can't physically be out of the way because they're three and everything in their body is saying, go towards, go towards, go towards. My guess is your wife is not frustrated about, I can't believe you're not enjoying this. She feels the electricity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I feel like I do the things that I... You go through the motions in an amazing way for someone who's been through what you've been through. Thank you. But I think it's what – I think – is it Brene Brown also? She said the sucky thing about like psychotropic medication is that joy and pain are on the same switch. That's a scary thought. It is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's what – I can turn your hurt off, but I'm going to turn off the highs too. I'm going to turn off the good stuff. I'm going to turn off the – We're not having sex. We're just sitting by my wife watching TV, and we watch an old episode of Matlock, and it's super lame. And my heart rate just goes down another 10 beats a minute because I'm at peace. It's joy, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's getting fired and being pissed off or being frustrated, but not thinking I'm a pathetic loser. And see, I told you so. I think the path forward, brother, is A, don't beat yourself up for looking at a three and a one-year-old and being like, ugh. You're not crazy. That's a hard season. That's a house that's messy. Yes, it is a mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And obviously stability and friendship and community and all that will play into account, right? And you want some consistency. You don't want moving every year kind of thing, but just take that pressure off yourself. You do not have to have this thing figured out when your kid's three years old, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
If connection has been purely through sex, which is very common for guys in your situation, of course that diminishes a lot with two kids under three running around the house. If you are now opening up your eyes and it's kind of like in retrospect and you're feeling and seeing, oh, I haven't really felt anything for a long time. I'm great at going through the motions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
The practice for you and your counselor is not just to sit there and talk about and talk about and talk about what happened. But I want to begin to practice feeling good stuff, anxious stuff, scary stuff, bad stuff. Here's some ways you do that. It's stuff I talk about on the show a lot, but I don't go into all the clinical detail just because I don't want to bore people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
But that's why I have people write a letter and read it to somebody else. Because I want you to feel that stuff that's still there. That's why I want people to have somebody they can call and say, hey, I just got promoted. And there's nowhere in our modern ecology that allows us to share good news. Because everyone goes, oh, it must be nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Or, oh, it's just because of, and they insert some privileged position or whatever. There's no place to celebrate. Yeah. But for you, you're going to have to tiptoe your body into being able to feel again. Because it knows. Dude. We buried our mom when we were 11. And I don't ever want to feel that again. And I don't know, dude, kids have a very refining fire way of seeing right through you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
But I would sit down with you. I think the place to start would be to sit down with the therapist. I'm so proud of you for going, man. But to sit down and begin to practice, I want to begin walking towards how do I feel stuff? And there will be a mindful practice there. I'm going to send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, just as a gift. This isn't about anxiety, but it is about presence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's about how do I become okay in my own skin? And what are some practices I can do? And good for you. You've tried to solve it fiscally. You've tried to solve it in these other ways. And I get that. My guess is you've probably forgiven your 10-year-old self, but now we've got to let that 10-year-old actually absorb what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And we've got to do some pretty intentional things to let that 10-year-old cycle through your body and let them go play. Because 10-year-olds are supposed to be out playing, man, not burying their moms. And yes, there's a story that people are told, like, When you have a three-year-old, it's the greatest. Three is kind of the worst. It's hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And then having a one-year-old that's, and having a spouse that's like, this is the best. And you're just like, it's not the best. And then you get into that cycle of, I knew I was a loser. I knew I couldn't do this thing right. Home becomes a failure factory. And it just goes in a long line of, this is why we don't feel anything. And unfortunately, that means shutting off all the good stuff too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
So I guess in a weird way, I hate to tell you this, but you're on the path. You're on the right path, dude. And I think now you're going to be like, dude, there's hard work ahead. There's the hardest work ahead. I guess what I would tell you as somebody who sat on the other side of that switch, I'm just not going to feel anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Dude, there is peace on the other side, but you got to go through it. So sit down with your therapist the next time you're in there and say, all right, it's game time now. We've been talking. We've been circling. I'm going to learn how to feel. I'm going to turn those switches back on, and it's going to be an avalanche of electricity. And with your therapist, they can help you hold on through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It's going to be like Star Wars 3, right? The Empire Strikes Back when the guy's electrocuting, when the emperor's electrocuting the guy. Yeah. Darth Vader and he still does the right, you know, does the right thing. It's going to be like that. And that's why you have a good therapist to sit with you. It's going to be tough. Blessings to your brother. Thank you for the call. Hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I'll get choked up with that book. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. Here's the deal. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean all the TikTok dances and the cat videos or the AI influencers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I'm talking about the screens in our homes and in our offices and the fluorescent lights and the EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I used them this morning when I was working out, and here's why you'll love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can also help your recovery from aches and pains and transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time. You can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Go to Boncharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Boncharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. All right, we are back. We have something cool that happened, but Keeler, who is the president of the Ramsey Chess Club, was just foaming at the mouth here. What did I say? Did I say something wrong?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Oh, man. Nerds unite. Congratulations. You can always count on Keeler in your corner. What was it? Return of the Jedi? That's the Boba Fett one. Look at that. Boba? Bobo? I think three of our listeners just wrecked their cars in rage and protest. Boba Fett. Boba? Yes. Isn't that like a T? Like with the little gushy things at the bottom?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
that whole other aspect yeah but he'll also have people who don't like him which how dare they right but it's it's a it's a mixed bag right it just is um and by the way you and i i don't i don't know about you specifically i grew up in a world where almost nobody ever moved
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
But it's for people who took the cows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's right. Boba Fett gets the suit of head. Boba Fett gets Skywalkers, I guess. I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
All right. Just stop. All right. Something cool happened. I love that you know too, Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It was not this conversation is what was cool, but first of all- She does, listen, across the back of her neck, underneath her- Oh, here we go. Her tattoo of the barcode that she has across the back of her neck, underneath it, it says, I love Jedis. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
We're doomed, America. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
No question about that. They got problems and they don't want it to be them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
She's just producing the crap out of the show, everybody. She's amazing at this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Dang, dude. Good on her. Dude, separations with teens are brutal. They're brutal for everybody, but with teens, it's very, very tough, man. So good on her, man. That's amazing. Taking that extra step. I think it would be awesome if you showed that level of intentionality towards me, Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
No. I think we're good. I think you're all intentionaled up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I remember my high school – I graduated my high school class had just under right around 1,000 people in the graduating class-ish. It was huge. And when I sat down at graduation, I won't say her name. I'll say her first name. There was a girl named Laura that sat – she's a woman now – sat by me on one – I'd never seen the person on my right. I had no idea who that was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Hey, everybody, thanks for listening so much to the show. That'd be great. Super grateful for you. Because I try to be intentional. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Be nice to your coworkers, for God's sakes. And get more tattoos. Just don't get Star Wars ones, because Kelly's got most of the weird designs. Peace out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And I had not seen the woman on my left. Her name was Laura. I hadn't seen her since we sat by each other in kindergarten, like in like the little red bird row or the blue bird row, you know, wherever he sat us. And so nobody moved where I grew up. That's just not the case anymore. Everybody moves every two years, five years, three years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And so this idea that you have this static group and this, this like gang that goes from grade to grade, it's just, it's just not the way it is much anymore. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. So free yourselves from we have to have this figured out at the age of three all the way through 18. Like, bro, think about this. 15 years is pretty much three presidential elections from now. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Um, I hope you're doing well, but I know for many of us, just a tough season, man. And things are hard and things are up and they're down. And that's what this show is about. Sitting with people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Um, I would love to have you on this show. So if you want to join us, man, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Dude, who even knows? Who even knows, right? Who knows, man? So just free yourself from that. All right, let's talk about public school versus homeschooling. What kind of discussions are y'all having?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Sure. I think there's merit to both of those. So tell me about your picture. Like when you think of your, your kid, are you going to have more than one? Um, yes. Yeah. We're planning on having another one. Who knows? Yeah. Everybody's got plans. Um, and the reason I ask is you're, you're asking first parent questions, which I love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I just assumed that this was your first one, but you're asking very first parent questions. Kind of like, should we, um, should we disinfect the, the pacifier when our kid dropped it? Um, we're Googling if pacifiers are going to mess up their jawline. And then by your third kid, you're like, whatever, dude, like, Who cares? But tell me about your picture. You imagine your kid is 10.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Let's pretend you have an eight-year-old too and a six-year-old. What is your picture in your head of a random Tuesday morning?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
So I guess what I would tell you is my wife and my daughter had breakfast together this morning. Me and my son had breakfast together this morning. And my daughter was under the weather a little bit. And yesterday me and one kid went and did one thing for a while. And then we all had dinner together. And then me and my daughter had WWE for a while.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And I, so I guess what I'm telling you is the, the very beginning of that and the ending of that is capable. You can do that no matter what schooling situation you're a part of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And I feel like I got to shout it out. There's this rad dude who came out in the lobby. It may be four degrees outside. It's February when we're recording this show. And he is just straight up like a gangster wearing cargo pants. Shorts. Cargo shorts the way Limp Bizkit designed them. Well done, my brother. Well done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
It does. And I'm, I'm glad that you're thinking this through right now. Um, what I don't want you to do is Brene Brown says, I don't want you to dress rehearse tragedy. Okay. So, um, yes, there is going to be more pressure theoretically in a private or public school that you drop your kids off that all kids are going to violin and from violin, they're going to soccer practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And then every weekend is filled with horse riding and dancing and what like there, there will be pressure to have that life. There will also be pressure to, in fifth grade, I think my kid was the only one, maybe one other one who didn't have a smartphone in fifth grade, which is insane to me, but it was what it was, right? So those kinds of things are real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I think homeschooling comes with another set of pressures. And so I think trying to not have pressure is better solved by saying, what are our values? and creating a world where those are present, meaning we will eat dinner as a family four or five nights a week, period. End of story. And that means that we'll get one, every kid can do one thing, one instrument and one sport, and that's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
That's all we're doing. Y'all get to pick. Um, yeah. Or I want every one of my kids to try jujitsu. One kid likes it. The other kids don't, or I want all my kids to try soccer just because kids need to run around and one will love it. One will hate it. Like it's setting down those values first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And that's a cool thing to begin to work through right now, because that's something y'all can practice now without, uh, being anxious or worrying about something that is going to come 10 years down the road. Because here's the other thing. 10 years ago, this is crazy to think, 10 years ago, I was one, two, three jobs from where I am right now. Yeah. 10 years ago, I was on call 24-7, 365.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Five years ago, I was on call every second of every day leading a team of, I don't know, 500 people. And then now I'm a freaking YouTuber, right? So who knows what your life looks like in 10 years? I'd much rather you anchor to values. Like this is just kind of who we are. We just don't do tons of busy stuff. We spend extra time with our kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Every time you go hiking, even though it would be more efficient, you'd get a better workout, yada, yada, yada. I bring my kids with me when I go hiking. That's just going to be who I am. Or like for me hunting, for four or five years, I knew I'm not going to be as successful because I'm bringing my kid with me. And now I've got an amazing, fun hunting partner as a 14-year-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And so I'm going to make those concessions early on because I'm going to take my kids with me everywhere I possibly can. Those are the values to anchor into. And here's the thing I want you guys just to think through. Every family has different values. For me and my wife, I could care less what the social yada, yada, yada, they're being taught in public school. And here's why.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
There's another guy here dressed respectable, like with a button-up shirt, like he has a job and everything. But homies got straight-up rocking cargos. And, dude, man after my own heart, I got some new origin pants that are like four sizes too big, and I feel like I'm back in high school again. And everything in the world is right, except for the way Kelly looks at me with disdain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I do not believe in outsourcing my kids' spiritual development to somebody else. That's my job. That's my wife's job. And for me and my wife, we want our kids to be exposed to all kinds of stuff so when they have questions, they ask us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I don't want them being 18 or for some of the students I worked with at private faith-based universities, 22 before they enter into a world where they're like, oh my gosh, and they have no psychology for it. And so what they do is they go to Google or they ask their friends or they ask Reddit. And so for me in my house, the reason we've moved schools is all academics.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I want my kids to be pushed really, really hard. And I have found in some public school settings that it's... man, it's like two worksheets and a Khan Academy video. And it's not, my kids aren't getting pushed. And so I moved them schools purely for academics. The social stuff, I feel like it's my job. And if there's schools teaching them crazy things, those kids, awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
I want them to come ask me about that. And then we can have that dialogue at my house. That's not for everybody. Other people are like, I don't even want those ideas in my kid's head. I'm fine with that. Whatever. That's for you guys to think through. But I want you guys to be specific about what will homeschooling bring us? There's something to be said for what your wife said. It is easier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
You already pay for it. It's free. There's some built-in communities for you, your wife, for the local kids. There's buses. There's all kinds of stuff for public schools. Great, man. And public schools have shifted and changed dramatically over the last 15 years. I had one guy told me, and I love the way he said it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
He said, wanting public schools to be like, I went to a giant public high school and it was essentially a college prep school. I'll put it up against any school in the country in terms of how hard it was academically, how much they pushed us, how hard the coaches pushed us in athletics. And that school doesn't exist anymore in public schools. It just doesn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
There's just been too much drama and too much watering down of everything. And so one guy said, wanting public schools to be like they were 25 and 30 years ago is like wanting gas to be a dollar again. It's just not. And so it's just shifted and changed. But ask about the values you and your wife hold.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
And dude, I think, this is just me, I think a local preschool, trying it out, a half-day preschool kind of thing is a good way to feel how y'all feel, how your kids are feeling. Are they seen at school? Do you have teachers who are plugged in? There's amazing teachers everywhere and there's some duds out there, just like every job, right? And asking yourself, how does this work for our family?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And she'll know that about you. That's why statistically speaking, it's very unlikely that it continues. But again, it's part of this psychological construct you're trying to build. Like your plane is going down and you're trying to like figure out the right way to pull the cushions off of the airplane seats so you'll land comfortably. It's not going to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So what I'll tell you is at the end of this thing, there's a fire. You can do a control burn right now and try. Or you can just wait till the whole thing goes up in smoke, but it's going to catch fire. It's already on fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I need you to internalize in your guts. Your house has already burned to the ground. Hers too. They're gone. They're over. The marriage you had is over. The marriage she had is over. The little play time y'all have together is over. Y'all have to decide what we're going to build next. But bro, you've got to come back and re-anchor the ground, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You've blown your life up and you've blown her life up. And she's blown her life up. I mean, I don't know a way that you're going to sleep all night. I don't know a way that you're going to have peace at all. Until you sit down and have a conversation with your wife. Until you let her know you got 24 hours and I got to come clean with my buddy. Because I'm not going to be this guy anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And there's a high statistical probability that when the smoke clears, you've got nobody. You've got no friend. You've got no girlfriend. You've got no wife. That's a high, high probability. And then you'll have to choose to do the next right thing amid that ash. But man, stop with the verbal gymnastics. Stop with the, are these feelings real? Start with, I've cheated on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
and it blew our life up. I've been doing it for almost a year now. Through the holidays, through your birthdays, I was seeing somebody else. I was sleeping with our friend. Let's start there. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Helix mattresses. Listen, it's February, the coldest and the shortest month of the year, although it can seem like it's a decade long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
In the past, I found myself laying around February more than normal, not doing much, which then makes sleep hard to come by. And then I get in some vicious cycle and where I stay up and I don't sleep and I don't do anything. And I'll tell you this. This go-round, my Helix mattress, has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Now, on most days, I'm able to get right up even when it's cold and dark, and then I do all the other stuff that I need to do to be my best. I love Helix mattresses, and it's why me and my entire family sleeps on a Helix. We don't all have the same mattresses because we don't all have the same bodies, and Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, or stomach, or whatever. And Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. So get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, and it will help you find the perfect mattress for you in under two minutes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And the Helix President's Day sale is going on right now. You get 27% off site-wide plus two dream pillows, a sheet set, and mattress protector for free with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you will find anywhere. So go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. I've got some stats that will shock you. Look, we all know that we live on the internets these days. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of the things that we have on the internets now. It's where we exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Listen, Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Chances are high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. I looked at the reports my friends at DeleteMe have sent me. They have reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my stuff, and they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of piece too. We can't really avoid the internet as much as I want to, but we can make our personal data personal again with delete me. Individual delete me plans start as low as $9 a month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today to get 20% off. That's J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to Ashley. Hey, Ashley, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Well, I appreciate you being with us, man. That means the world to me. Thank you. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're not calling me to ask, like, oh, God, I've blown up my life and my wife's life. That's not why you're calling. You're calling to ask, is this true love or not? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you... Have a lot of joy in your life today. It may not be the best day of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, man. I guess my initial question is, like, where's your husband in all this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I'll say it for you. He's a complete and total coward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So if you could, if you, if you could wave a magic wand, what behaviors would you want your in-laws to stop doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You don't have to justify it. One-year-olds need naps. It's perfect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So did you, had you slipped out of the room quietly? Like you kind of nodded at your husband, like I'm gonna go put him down. Or did you make an announcement to everybody? Nap time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Why wouldn't you and or your husband, especially your husband, um, Say, no, y'all are not homeschooling the kid. Thank you for the offer, but now we're going to send him to regular school. And just let that be a period at the end of that sentence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Again, when my parents are making statements about what they are, quote unquote, going to do or not do, it's my job as their kid. I believe, and I've got some colleagues who disagree with me. That's fine. But I need to tell my mom and my dad, Hey, yeah, we're not doing that with, with, with, with a definitive answer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And if I, if I'm like, if I tell my wife, like, Hey, you need to tell my mom that that's because I'm a coward. If I do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You should, because it's his parents. He needs to do it. You're married to a coward. Why won't he stand up to his parents?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay, so here's the thing. You somehow have in your soul kind of a people pleaser? Like you want to make sure everybody else is okay? For sure. And at the same time, you've got some pretty clear pictures of what you want your life to be like and what you want for your kid and what you want for you and for your marriage, et cetera.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I want you to practice writing those things down and saying them out loud, okay? Not like, it's time for some quiet time. It is. All right, I'm going to go put him down or her down for a nap. Everybody wave goodbye. We will see you all again in an hour and a half. Yeah. Because then it's like, well, I'm going to do some quiet time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
That kind of leaves it open to, well, I mean, I'll hold him if you're tired of holding him. But like, I'm going to go take a nap. Or, well, we're going to be homeschooling. We're doing the homeschooling for this. No, Dad, we're sending them to this elementary school. We've already decided that. Well, I don't think that's a good idea. Great. I appreciate that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But you don't get a vote because it's my kid. So we're going to send them over there. And that's your husband's conversation to have. And comically, what I would say is like a nonchalant way. Like, I don't even know if he needs to write unless your in-laws take it to the next level. No grandkid of mine is going to a school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
All right, well, then we're going to have a serious conversation about whose kid this actually is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Well, then he's not a coward. Stop me there then. I'm talking all bad. He's not a coward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. But also they have something else. They also have something else. This is an important distinction. In many ways, you've put them in a parental role several days a week. And if there's not caretaker boundaries, so for instance, let's pretend they were out of the picture. And your not coward husband goes to save the city he's in, right? Like he does every day. And you go off to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
If you had hired a teenager to take care of your kid, you would have printed out on a Word document Nap schedule, food schedule, feeding schedule, no screens, playing, here's how you text me, et cetera. But when it comes to in-laws or aunts or uncles, it's very easy just to drop the kid off. For sure. And then they raise that kid like they would raise a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And then really quickly over time, it becomes our kid. And we're all raising one big happy family raising this kid. And so really the thing here is you need to be pretty direct. Your husband needs to be pretty direct. Well, y'all need to get aligned, first of all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And he might say, actually, I think it'd be awesome if my parents homeschooled him. Well, then that's a conversation y'all need to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Right? And then I think y'all need to come back and circle back and say, here is our caretaker expectations. This is going to be different. We're getting them on a new schedule. And then – because, again, you guys also want the best of both worlds. You want them to do it exactly as you want to do it, but you want free childcare a couple days a week too. For sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And so sometimes these boundaries cost you financially when your in-laws say, well, screw you then. No young kids are going to lecture us on how to raise a baby, right? And that happens. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I guess I just like socially, like if, if a young child is surrounded by, uh, sturdy, regulated, caring adults, their socialization is going to be fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Right? They're going to be fine. That's often a proxy for, I don't want to deal with this situation, so I just want to run other kids. Because if you want to run other kids, you can set up playdates. You can have kids over all the time. You can have kids over on Saturdays. I mean, you can make that happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, man. So let me just walk it back and you can just tell me up or down. So you are sleeping with a great friend's wife. Correct. Does your friend know? He does not. Does your wife know? She does not. And so you're not calling me to ask like, oh God, I've blown up my life and my wife's life. And I've blown up one of my close buddy's lives. It's not why you're calling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I think that you're trying to avoid the harder conversations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I guess for me... That's a skill I want you to have because you walk around on eggshells in your own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I just think you deserve more than that. And your husband sounds like he's a gangster, man. He shows up for the least of these in our communities day in and day out. I don't want him walking around on eggshells in his own house either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So I think often the conversation about protect and provide, he's an amazing protector and an amazing provider. And I think you need to have the conversation, the next level that says, hey, right now providing for us is less economic. It is family boundaries. Protection for us right now is less about can you fight and can you handle a gun and can you put out a fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Protection is more I want what we want for our kid voiced to everybody, whether it's a teacher, whether it's a caretaker, whether it's our in-laws. I want that universal. That's what protection looks like right now, protecting our son's heart and mind. Absolutely. And when you frame it that way, often it sinks in a little bit differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Because here's what I think. I think at the end of the day, I think your frustration is with him, not with your in-laws.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And if your frustration is with him, I think he has a right to know that you're this frustrated with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. And can I tell you something else? Y'all aren't crazy. You're not crazy. He's not crazy. This isn't like a unique thing. It happens to everybody. It just sucks. Like you're not broken. Your family's not falling apart. Nothing like that. This is just the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And here's what makes it even extra worse is probably your in-laws are pretty great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
They're just doing the best they can with what they got. Cause they don't have that printed off piece of paper in front of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Well, and the healthy boundary, I think for you is, I think you needed to define that for yourself. And here's what's annoying. It won't feel a certain way. Do you get what I'm saying? Like you think there's going to come a moment when it feels so good or feels so, it's just the feelings is going to morph and move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
because your kid's going to turn four and you're going to want to put him down for a nap and then it'll be like they don't need a nap he's four let's go out with and then it's or your husband's gonna have a picture of what it looks like on Saturday and you're gonna have a different picture of what it looks like so like it's just a common thing happens all the time y'all aren't broken but I think it's being honest about hey husband we've worked so hard on us talking to each other this is the next layer absolutely
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I feel like it's your responsibility to help lead the charge with your parents and vice versa. And so y'all get it out on the table because he might say, I love the idea of my parents being the, you know, my parents homeschooling. I love it. I love that idea. And you might be like, no way, Jose. That's the conversation to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Then the boundary part just becomes y'all just saying, we're going to bite the bullet and we're going to say our boundaries out loud. And we're going to hope that everybody respects them. And we're going to deal with it when they don't, but. Thank you so much for the call. You're not broken. You're not failing. Your marriage is probably amazing. Things are good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
This is just a common thing that comes up in a high majority of first-time parents, second-time parents, whatever. And it's just deciding what do we want for our kid and how do we develop the courage to communicate that to everybody. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay, let's talk about Organifi. Listen up. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And for most people, that journey can be tough, filled with ups and downs. And that's why I love Organifi. They make it super easy to make healthier choices about what you eat and drink. And right now, they're making it even easier with the Organifi Starter Kit. For those of you still on the fence, it's a great way to sample Organifi for not much money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
With code DELONI, they'll give all of this to you for 40 bucks right now, including shipping. Here's what they're going to send you. Organifi's greatest hits. Seven days of green juice travel packs to boost your energy and calm your mind. Seven days of red juice travel packs full of antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're calling to ask, is this true love or not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And 30 days of essential magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles. If you get in on this starter pack right now, they'll also send you a branded Organifi shaker bottle because why not? Make Organifi's whole food blends and top quality ingredients part of your health and wellness journey just like I have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off all of their products with code Deloney. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. Let's go out to San Diego, California and talk to Crystal. Hey, Crystal, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, man. There's a lot of tentacles to that question. Be more specific. Something happened for you to call. Why would you call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Those are external. Those are external things. Those are external things. Those are certificates on the wall. Do you respect the man he is?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Does he make you feel safe when he walks into a room?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
When he sees you, do you feel loved?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. So when you say, how can I best love you? What does he say? What are some actions that he has put on the table before when he said, I don't feel heard or respected? And then he says, this is how I would feel heard. This is how I would feel respected. What are some of the things he's put on the table?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So why don't you feel safe enough? Going back to my original question, you said when he walks in a room, your body feels safe. Why can't you just say what you need or what you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Do you have an example of a time you've told him just directly in the truth and in a loving, compassionate way, and he has exploded on you or run from you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I was going to ask, where else do you hide from him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You know. Like, what are things going on in your mind that he doesn't know about? Um...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
What is that? Let me ask it another way. Why is your body, through feelings, through anxiousness, through biting your tongue, through talking in circles, those are all ways your body's trying to keep you safe. Why has your body decided that you being seen and heard Is not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Because here's what I think is happening. I think he is probably pretty direct. Probably like, hey, just tell me what you need so I can love you. And you make these big laps around the building. And he's like, what? And then it feels frustrating. And then it feels deceptive. And then he goes to bed every night feeling like he doesn't really know you. And you feel that gap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And every time you try to bridge that gap, your body electrocutes you and is like, no, no, no, no, no, don't get that close. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So when you get in one of those situations where you're going zero to 100, do you explode on him or do you build a quick concrete fortress and hide?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. And so at some point, does he find himself inadvertently banging on the door to try to get in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
That's not respect. That's not respect. Y'all try to be polite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And y'all try to be polite so that if something goes wrong, both of y'all can say, I didn't do fill in the blank. I didn't yell. I didn't hit anybody. I didn't punch a hole through the concrete. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't. And so it's two teams playing football and both of y'all are sitting your defense out and nobody will hike the ball.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And then one, one of you just gets so mad, like let's play ball. And then there's like, well, you know, and then like I get, and then, and then it's like, I just, I want to go, I want to go be with somebody that will play offense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I want to go be able to play offense sometimes. So circling all the way back, take him off the table. I want to talk to you. Who told you the safest thing for you to do is just to be quiet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So have you heard me say on the show, the things that kept you safe as a kid will destroy your adult relationships?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. So here's, it's really a binary choice. You continue running on the same roads that were built out of safety and necessity as a kid. And you can run on those roads and you will not die. You'll stay alive. And you'll be alone. And you might be alone sharing a bed with somebody that says, I do, and that I love you. But that gap will always exist. Or...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You have to choose to do something that feels initially unsafe and unnatural with somebody that you know to be safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And that means you have to go into a season of practicing discomfort.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Does that make sense? Because here's what I... the walls you built will affect your finances. It will affect you professionally. It will affect your sex life. It will keep every, you'll never be able to fully let go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I need you to not let those walls down. I want you to try courageously to bash through them. Because letting the walls down is still a passive stance. It mimics bravery. I guess that's not fair. It is initially brave, that first step. But I just want you to think of it like you come home and you see this man. Do you love this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
The moment we met. Is he a good guy? Oh, that moment we met. That's like Dawson's Creek. But you've grown to love this person, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. And he does the things. He shows up. Always. Okay. So you've got this person that you see, that you love, that you've probably thought about making plans with down the road, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you'd be crazy if you haven't had that imaginary picture pop into your head of a fireplace and a Thanksgiving table and your four boys home from Christmas and their girlfriends that you hate but kind of love, right? Yes. And if you have a picture of an older, wrinklier, grayer version of this guy at the end of that tape, right? So you have been there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So So I guess the best thing I could tell you or the right thing I could tell you is you are so... It's like you're watching The Lion King. You're watching like a Disney movie in the theater. And you're watching these animals all talking to each other. And you're wondering what it would be like to talk to one of those animals too. Okay. You're...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you come home and he sees you and everything in his world lights up. But there's a sheet of plexiglass in between you. And he just can't touch you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And the same with your customers. I don't know what you do for a living, but the same with your bosses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And if we were in a different call, I would ask you about your sex life and I can almost guarantee it. I can pinpoint where you struggle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Here's the thing. You have to make a choice that I'm going to be seen and I'm going to be known. But it's not something you can lob on him. That's a decision you have to make. And you're going to have to practice a thing where you put your hand on your chest or put your fist in your chest. And you have to look in the mirror 10 times a day for 30 days. You want a homework assignment?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
For 30 days from today, I want you to go look in the mirror and put your fist in your chest and look yourself dead in the eyes and say, I love this girl. And I want you to pause. I want you to drop your shoulders. And I want you to say it again. I love this girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I want you to say it. Well, hold on. I'm not done. I want you to say it 10 times. And then I want you to say, she deserves to be heard. And then you got to go get weird. And you're going to have to tell, here's what I'm going to send you. I'm going to send you. And it's going to sound pedantic. It's going to sound silly, okay, what I'm going to send you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But I'm going to mail you all of the questions for humans cards for free for couples and the intimacy deck, okay? But here's what I want you to do. They're not complicated, okay? But you have to commit to telling the truth. And so like the intimacy deck, when it says, what's one thing you really used to be into in the bedroom and you're not anymore? You have to actually answer that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
What's our favorite memory of us kissing before? What's your least favorite memory of us? Cause like, you gotta be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you need to have a series where you meet once a week with him and you say, all right, here's three things that scared me this week. And here's three things that I thought were incredible about this week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You've got to practice being seen and known. And then y'all just need to come up with some sort of signal. Like I'm flooded. I'm too much. I'm going to back up. And he's going to say, okay, cool. Because all you're doing is practicing. You're practicing a thing that got you electrocuted as a kid by the one man who you should have been able to anchor into for your entire life, your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And he weaponized your feelings, your emotions. He weaponized your personhood and said, your personhood is mine. And when I want to see it, I'll let you know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Instead of celebrating the crazy bananas, wild little San Diego girl you were growing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. Are you, for the first time in a quarter century, are you willing to practice being seen and heard? Because here's the other side of being seen and heard. He might look at you and say, I don't want to propose. And that will not make what you did wrong. That won't make you wrong. that will mean you've been giving a pretty remarkable theater performance to be his girlfriend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And hopefully, my fingers crossed, because I'm a romantic, just kind of an oogie-googie romantic, I hope that he sees you and gets to know you. Like, I don't like that. Or, I love that. And by the way, I've been married for, gosh, 22 and a half years now. I found out my wife said something the other day and I looked at her and I started laughing. I was like, I don't know you. You what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I had no idea. But can I tell you, that's my freaking favorite part. I found out something the other night about one of her old boyfriends and her. I did not know. I didn't know. But here's the thing. It made me die laughing. Started dying laughing because here's why. She's not going anywhere. And I'm not either. You get what I'm saying? 100%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And so when you grow up in homes of divorce, I just saw this recently. I love it. When you grow up in a home of divorce, you realize, oh, somebody could leave. That's a thing. You can just leave. And so what you do is you try really hard not to let the other person leave. And that almost guarantees at some point they don't know you and leaving is still on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Your questions are so divorced from the reality with which you actually find yourself that it tells me that you've had to construct a world where this is okay and there's a world that everything's going to be okay on the other end of this because if you didn't have that kind of psychological moat around what you're actually doing, you would implode because you become somebody that you could never have imagined you would be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
The other side of that, the other side of it is I'm going to be fully seen and known. And we're going to become braided together like a, like one of those ocean ropes that nobody can pull apart. Right. It's awesome. So let's call this what it is. It's day one. Some of this may be hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So it may be that y'all start a journal together that you put on his pillow at night that he writes in, then he puts it on your pillow the next morning or whatever. And some of these things are easier done via letter. Some of these things are hard just to sit down and just say it in front of somebody like, here's what I think about this. And I don't like this. And I want to get to know you here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But some of it is we're just going to stop going to fancy restaurants and pretending like everything's okay. We're going to go to crummy restaurants and just chit chat. And you can chit chat nice restaurants, but it's just a vibe. I want to get to know you. Here's one thing that I asked my wife to do last year. Make me a syllabus of you. What are the 10 podcasts you listen to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I don't know what you listen to anymore. What are 10 bands you like? I know what you used to like. I don't know what you even listen to anymore. What are 10 books you want me to read? That you read, not that you want me to, that you read, that you love? Because I want to get to know you. I might read those books. Some of those books I've gotten into, did not like them. A couple of them I've loved.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
podcast one podcast I was listening to and I was like I know her like you want to meet her like I was a friend of mine she didn't even know we were connected so all I have to say is it's good to know each other here's books I like here's movies I like here's music I love I'd love to learn to dance I'd love to learn to sing I'd love to just learn to let go and this happens inside your chest I'm proud of you Crystal day one
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You love that girl. She's worth being hurt. We'll be right back. Let's talk about train. Well, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter and exerciser like me, and you're just ready to shake things up, you've got to check out train. Well, I use it, my wife uses it, my coworkers and their spouses are using it. TrainWell is amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on the app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis and the results have been extraordinary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. They've extended their special offer for my audience, just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're sleeping with one of your closest friend's wives, period. You're actively for over a year having sex with somebody that's not your wife, putting her at physical danger, putting her at grave emotional danger. I mean, like, and what you're thinking about is, man, isn't this going to be wonderful on the other side of this thing? It's kind of like watching...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Oh, yeah. Dude, that's awesome. So, hey, here's what I love. We grieved it. The thing that was is no more just because of time and circumstance. But I'm not going to give up on it. I'm going to create a new thing, and it's going to look different, and it's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I think it's important to push through teenagers, I don't want to or I don't feel like it. Those are just soft, squishy boundaries that they want to see when you punch right through that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And it feels good in their nervous system, right? And all kids love hearing... I told my son some like I will go back to one of the greatest things I've ever did was driving from Nashville to Texas just because I flying now is kind of chaotic for me. And I lost my pre-check because I'm an idiot. And so like the thought of doing that during Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So my son and I just drove to Texas 12 hours one way, drove all across the state, visiting family and friends. Then we drove 12 hours back. He asked me questions about childhood and stories, and I told him stories that he could not believe. But we got to know each other, and vice versa. I got to hear his thoughts. But it was just amazing. Never would have got there. Never would have got there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So good call. Way to go. I don't know. That just cheers me up. Those little questions for humans cards, man. All over the country, people are changing their lives. Thread. Thanks for being with us. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You may not be super happy, but I hope that you're where you need to be doing the things you need to be doing to help create the life that you want to be living. Man, on this show, I sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move in these crazy lives we're trying to live in these crazy times.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
It's like you're in Los Angeles right now watching your house burn down and wondering where you're going to put the new kitchen during the rebuild. Right. Like you're not absorbing reality. And so, number one, no place in this conversation are we talking about are these feelings real or not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Not until we've looked your wife in the eye and said, I've blown our marriage up and I don't want to be with you anymore. Not until you've looked your buddy in the eye and said, I've been sleeping with your wife for a year and I'm sorry. And after the ash settles back to earth, after that conversation, those conversations, then you can ask yourself, okay, are we in a relationship?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Are we going to try to build this thing and move forward together? Which the percentages on that, just scientifically, the percentages of those relationships being successful are very, very, very low. Right. Because then the old bumper sticker, like, it's true. Somewhere, somebody else is tired of her too. And you also, right? Like y'all just living in a fantasy world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
We don't have to deal with reality. You just get to have these romantic, oh my gosh, conversations. And you get me in passion and we get to have sex. And there's nothing anchored to it in reality, like dishes and bills. And hey, we're trying to build a life together. And I want to do this, but I want to do this. Y'all are skipping all of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So until you anchor back into Earth, any conversations you'll have are just fantasy. They're just Disney movies. They're not real. Why haven't you sat down and had that conversation with your wife yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Yeah, but you took struggle every marriage has. I've had nightmarish struggles. You went the next step.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Like, you're the failure. You get what I'm saying? Right. And I'm sure she's got her own challenges. I'm not saying she's perfect, but... Right. Like, you're actively sleeping with your buddy's wife, and you're like, well, if this thing doesn't work right, it's like you're the one that's not working right in it. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And I know when this show will come out, hopefully things will dramatically have improved. But man, we are a week into just the caustic, caustic wildfires going on with our friends and family in Los Angeles and the surrounding areas. And so just know that... if you're listening to the show right now, it's wish it was shot a month earlier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I'm frustrated with you. I'm angry with you. But I'm also compassionate because I think you have created a delusion that you live in. I wouldn't disagree with that. You use these huge circular, well, you know, and then we might. Listen to me so carefully. You're having sex with another man's wife and you're going home and you're laying in your bed next to yours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You're having sex with your buddy's wife. And then y'all go have dinner together as a foursome. That is where everything has to start. You can't be sleeping with somebody else's wife and trying to see if your marriage is going to make it. That's madness, Will. Madness. Madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And you can't be hanging out with your buddy while you're banging his wife and be like, well, I'm trying to figure out if our feelings are right or wrong. What are you doing, man? You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
So like today, today needs to be the day. Today needs to be the day that you tell your wife, we got to talk. I've been having an eight month affair with our mutual friends. And I've blown our marriage to smithereens. Yes, we had problems. Yes, there were holes in the boat and I detonated it. And you being a grown man need to say, I've already got me an apartment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
I've already got me a friend's couch to crash on because I know I've blown your world up and I don't want you to have to move to. And maybe she comes back and says, well, I should probably tell you I've been sleeping with somebody else too. Maybe. Right? Maybe. Who knows? Is she having an affair too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
Okay. Obviously, I don't know. And then you ask your friend, I'm going to meet you in a diner here in Nashville. We got to talk. Or you tell the woman you're having an affair with, hey, you got 24 hours because I got to come clean with my buddy. I've become somebody that I never dreamed I would be. And I have to stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And, um, but we are actively thinking about and praying about and involved in supporting our friends and loved ones. So everybody listening from out there, thank y'all for joining us. And, um, Please don't be shy about asking for the help and care that you need. And give your neighbors and friends a chance to step up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
There's not a way to land the plane. There is no going back. But your fantasy about how this plane lands is false, too. Both are true. So there's no going back. You blew it up. The boat's gone. You and your wife might choose to swim to shore amid all the rubble and rebuild a new boat. That happens all the time. And I'll walk with you if that's what y'all want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
You and this other person have a sliver, teeny tiny sliver of statistical probability that... You've blown up your life. She's blown up hers. And y'all choose to build a boat together on whatever shore y'all swim to. Maybe. But you'll always wonder if she's sleeping with somebody else like she did with you. And vice versa. It's very shaky ground to build a new thing. But it happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
But there is no like... then you have a hard conversation with your wife and she's like, well, I don't really want to work on this. And you're like, that's cool. I already have a four bedroom, three bath house with somebody else. And her, your buddy, her husband is like, ah, well, it didn't work out this time. That's just not how this ends, man. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
And so the quicker you can re anchor to reality and from a place from the inside out, because dude, you have, you have created a verbal connection.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
gymnastic studio that you just swirl around and ride the monkey bars in but your feet never touch the ground you've got to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say dude I blew my life up like do you feel that I think like I hear no I hear no remorse no like yeah yeah well
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
What you're trying to do is to convince yourself that if this is actually love or this is actually viable, these feelings and the excitement of sleeping with somebody that's not your wife, which, dude, I don't begrudge you that one bit. You probably feel alive every time you sneak away, every time you almost get caught and you don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Let's go right down the street here in Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Will. What's up, Will? How we doing, man? Hey, John. How's it going? I'm doing all right, brother. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
It won't surprise me at all if you felt dead in your own skin for the last five, six, seven years, however long you've been with her. I get that. But you're trying to convince yourself that these feelings are somehow valid in the grand scheme of the cosmos and that it will justify destroying your wife's life and destroying the life of your buddy. And so two things, love is not a feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Having An Affair With My Friend’s Wife
It's a choice you make every single day. It's a decision. And a marriage is a choice that two people make every single day of their life, man. And so whatever happens with this other person, you have to choose that every single day. Right. Except that choice is going to be anchored into styrofoam because you know, oh, she's capable of blowing this whole thing up at any time. And I am too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
You write in Finding Meaning, my experience tells me that grief may be postponed, but it can't be eradicated. I'm often talking about the importance of markers, ceremonies, and people often raise an eyebrow to me when they say, hey, I don't want to take my 12-year-old to the funeral. And I say, no, no, no, no. They have to go, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Every civilization, every faith community in all of human history have had a moment where people sit down and say, tell me your story. And so often, like, I lost my husband, lost my, stop, what was his name? Like, we're going to tell the story. There's something so powerful. Let me ask you this. You manage these amazing global online grief communities. I have...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Or when I say, you think you've been in a rough, abusive marriage? It's going to shock you the day your attorney sends you the paper and says it's over because Plan a small funeral. Write a letter to your seven-year-old self that says, I'm sorry that dad did that to you. You talk about the importance of markers and of ceremony, of action towards this period at the end of a sentence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Like when life happens is when you teach. So I want to tell a quick story. A buddy of mine had a, in my life, it's been the most adjacent horrific experience ever with loss of a child. And fast forward several years later, I've got a four year old, my boy's four years old, and his dog dies. I took the dog, the dog was very, very sick, took the dog to put the dog down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And they come in and they put the dog down, and I wasn't particularly close to this dog, I was just being the dad. And we were going out to his ranch, he had a ranch out in Texas. And they put the dog down and then they take the dog. And I come to find out they take the dog and all the dogs to a local incinerator in the city. And there we go. And something didn't sit right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And I hadn't connected the dots. And so I called this buddy and said, hey, I'm at the vet. I'm putting my dog down before I come out. And I know my son and my wife are already out there. I have a weird feeling about this. Would it be weird if I brought the dog out there? Me and my son buried it out at your place out in the woods. Long pause. And in his classic, very Texas rancher way, he said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
if you don't take this opportunity to teach your son about loss, you are failing him as a father. And okay. And I went out there and I, we had to, it was a whole rigmarole for them to let me take the dog, the dog's body. And we got out there, there was a small shovel and a big shovel that my buddy had leaned up against a tree.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
then later on maybe two or three days later I got an email he said I don't believe in capturing holy moments on film so feel free to delete this but there is a picture and it's off in the distance of me and my four-year-old digging a hole and it's the most sacred photo I have but more importantly than a photo is shortly thereafter my granddad died shortly thereafter my grandmother died shortly thereafter shortly thereafter
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
The reference point for my four-year-old to anchor himself into love and anchor himself into his own body, but also absorb loss all came back to that goofy dog. And so I thought, oh my, the greatest gift I gave my child is to be with him in that moment. And now we can go, remember the dog? It's just like granddad. Remember the dog? That's like grandmother. Remember the dog?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
made the case, and tell me if I'm wrong, that in many ways, storytelling, being with, if you will, digitally is like Twinkies. It's calories, but it's not rich food. Have you noticed a difference between in-person and online?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
It's so boring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Of course it did. Of course.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Oh, man. And we could go down a whole route. Thank you for sharing that. There's... I think that's... My personal belief is those are things that our bodies adapted over millions of years to learn how to process. And we have just outsourced all of it. Right. Even my grandmother's house had a room called the parlor, right? And now... The ME van shows up, takes the body away. They take care of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
I get 30 minutes and I get maybe an open casket and then it's over. And all of that... Grief stays here. And I believe in my guts. There's something about shoveling. There's something about movement. There's something about that process that we've just stolen from ourselves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
I love being wrong, so tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Yeah. Oh, I like that. Say that again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Write a letter and go for a walk, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
How do you talk to somebody who experiences grief because they've got cancer and they're being betrayed by their own body or they have some sort of heart challenge? They've got a child with special needs. They've got a marriage that somebody violated the marriage and they're going to work on it, but... There's always going to be a sign of a crack in the foundation. You can always see the repair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
How do you teach somebody to grieve something that is still present in real time? Really what we're grieving is a picture of what we wanted to be true that no longer is true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
That's truth over mirage, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
I had that same gift here. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And what I found is my answers, my academies was a suit of armor. Right. It's the way I protected my, look how smart I am. Look how smart I am. And one woman, one time in a siding line said, you know, you're the big brother we've never had. And I was like, that's the greatest compliment I've ever received in this world. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Is I'll tell you the truth. And you know, I love you. All right. It's both hands. I have found it easier to grieve, God's got a bigger plan, or loss just happened, or I don't understand cancer, it just is, right? I have learned to grieve that. What I personally continue to struggle with is, no, I did say that. I did hurt that person. How do you grieve loss, relationship breakups?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
How do you grieve death when you did play a role? And I'm thinking of the parent who, here's where it comes to me most. There's an alcoholic abusive parent. The other parent didn't intervene in a way. And there's some sort of cascading event that ends up in their children experiencing some sort of poor relationship or addiction or some sort of challenges down the road.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And as they heal and they begin to put two and two together, they say, I didn't protect my kid from that abuser. I kept inviting that man into our home. How do you grieve when you did play a role?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Forgiveness, yeah. And that's just simply the practice of saying, I'm not going to carry that anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
You've got to practice. It's a practice. It's a practice. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Last one. Yeah. So I am working through finding meaning years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And I read this part and I literally slammed it down. And I thought... David's right. And I don't like what you're saying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Great. And yet this is me on the heels of years of working through what I think has become my, it's the greatest challenge. I think it's a gift and it's also one of my greatest challenges, which is what I would call empathetic rumination. I will sit on a feeling or a thing I've done and I will loop and I will loop and I will loop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And I will, my body will go back to that thing I said in seventh grade to that girl who said, I like you. And I embarrassed her in front of everybody. I still can feel that right now, how I hurt her. I can still go back to the things I've done and said to my wife that still haunt me to the things I've said to myself. I can live in it. And then you had the audacity to,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Let's hear it. To come out and write and so honest and truthful with practice, you can control your thoughts. And at the end of the day, that parent who is just eating breakfast and that lightning bolt of that picture of their child in the casket, they can't control that lightning bolt, but they can control every thought after that. Or the person who finds out
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
You know, accidentally somebody's text message pop up on the family iPad and there's some pretty gratuitous texts between your husband and his mistress. And that image flashes with him in bed with somebody else and it can't get out of your head. The idea that, yeah, it can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
There you go. Yeah. What's up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad you're with us. We're talking about your emotional and mental health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm gonna sit here, I'm gonna sit with you, and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
So you mentioned something in this book, and it's an exercise that I think is incredibly instructive. And it's one of the classic gurus. Adler is the one that comes to mind, but I remember a really profound statement that was, I thought if I took away my clients or patients' anxiety and depression, that they would be healed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And what I found is when I just took away their anxiety and depression, they were empty. And I love the exercise that you give, that it's not a matter of just saying, stop thinking about that. But it's the affirmative practice. I am going to have a picture on my phone of my child laughing their head off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
If I have chosen to stay in a marriage and rebuild something from the ground up after betrayal, I'm going to put a picture of us dying laughing together on my phone. I have a picture of a really lovely woman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
memory of when I showed up for my wife so that when I'm sad and I haven't eaten well and I'm not sleeping and I'm exhausted and that hungry angry that that lightning bolt of oh yeah I remember when it's always when I'm counseling somebody I'm sitting with somebody on how to be a good husband and it's like who do you think you are it's that right oh I got a picture to replace it and if I want my spouse to be committed to a healthy marriage a healthy relationship
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
I got to go all in and risk getting hurt again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
That's the only way. It's the only path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
But similar, you can stay graveside watching your daughter, your goddaughter shovel dirt. You can stay there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
On behalf of my family and my friends and ancestors that I'm trying to bring peace to their grandkids. Thank you. Thank you for dedicating your life to this. I'm always nervous about people's body energy when they write something great and you meet them and it's a little bit... Thank you for just being a graceful person. It's a blessing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
You're a gift. Thank you, my brother. And I wish you much grace and then I can't wait to get you back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
All right, that was my conversation with the great David Kessler. If you were watching this on YouTube, you saw that I was taking notes throughout the entire conversation. And if you were listening to it, I hope that you learned a lot too. And if you're watching, I hope you learned a lot also. All of his stuff, his books, his website, everything is linked in the show notes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And again, I've got his Finding Meaning workbook, Working Through the Six Stages of Grief, and... There is a fake one going around on the internet. And so I told him that I would let all you all know that there's a fake one on the internet. If you get online to buy Finding Meaning, the sixth stage of grief workbook, make sure it's actually by David Kessler.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Thank you everyone who joined us for this two-part conversation. And I can't wait to see y'all soon right here on the Dr. John Deloney Show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
All right. Well, thank you for changing my mind on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Right, right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Yeah, I guess, man, listening to you talk about that makes me think, I am in charge of food distribution after a huge traumatic weather event. And I hold back the food because it's not... You know, Michelin star quality. People are hungry. Let's get food.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Yeah. And let's not negotiate calories right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
The answer should be yes, yeah. Especially in our world where we have, we're so lonely, right? And we don't have... regular groups of people in our lives just as a way of being to help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
There you go. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
I often tell folks who just experienced loss, you probably will not remember this conversation. I want you to remember. You exhaled once, right? And I want you to remember that. Right. You're not going to remember the exact. In fact, they used to tell us, bring a brochure or something because no one's going to remember. They can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
What do you tell the person who is sitting not so much in the lost moment yet, but it's not fair moment?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
On today's episode, we have a second part of one of my favorite conversations I've ever had with one of my heroes, the great David Kessler. David Kessler is a world-renowned expert on grief, and nobody likes to talk about grief, but grief impacts every single person living and breathing right now, including you and including me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
It's extra not right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And we have to grieve the big things, the small things, and we have a grief-illiterate world, as he says. And so in this part two, we're talking about grief demanding a witness, something that I've been saying forever and ever, and I got the line from him, and so much more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Right. It is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Yeah. And we're also, I think the meta here for me is we are story making creatures.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And on the back end of something so horrific, once I'm able to breathe. I get to pick the story that I write next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And one of those stories will imprison me forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And one of those stories will set me free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
And in fact, power is, I'm not letting you victimize me anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Yes. Which means there's a, I hate to use this word because it's unpopular, there's a choice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
I know, but that's just the only way that new scientists have to try to... Well, we want to reduce our...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
So I've got his book here, by the way, The Sixth Stage of Grief Workbook for anyone who's struggling, and we'll link to it in the show notes. So check out the second part of my conversation with the great David Kessler right here. The most powerful line you've given me is grief demands a witness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
You know who does those studies? And this is me being critical. It's people who don't regularly sit with hurting people. Because you know who doesn't care to parse – Somebody who just lost their kid or somebody whose marriage just blew up. They don't... Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. And you know... Can we just sit with hurting people? Right, right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Grief Expert: Why Grief Demands a Witness (With David Kessler)
Tell me what your name is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night at ramseysolutions.com slash tour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
But I think you have to fully exhale. And you're so used to being starved for love that he starts being nice the day after because he feels 25 pounds lighter. And you're so happy. right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And so here's what this looks like. We're going to pull a credit report. I want to know exactly how much money you owe and to who and to where you've spent it. I want credit card reports of all the credit cards you have. Once I see what credit cards are open on this credit report, because I don't trust you, we're going to go through each one of those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And I want to go through the, I want to go through what you've spent the last five, six years. You're going to get a side job and you're going to pay this $5,000 off and you got five months to do it. You got six months to do it. No video games, no sporting events. I'm going to be a single mom for a bit, but you're going to go earn money and get this thing paid off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
You're not just going to go to collections. We're not just going to say that it's the way that is. You're going to go get a flip phone because I don't trust you to not send photos anymore. Not for a while. We're going to cut the Wi-Fi off at 8 o'clock.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Well, let it rip, man. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
You get to decide what happens, but this is you being serious about, we're going to go see a marriage counselor because I got to rebuild trust because you blew up our marriage. You're going to go to SA meetings. You say you have a lifelong sex addiction. You're going to start going to SA meetings. You're going to go to them a lot. Because I'm not going to walk out on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I'm going to stay here with you. But there's a lot of work to do to build the foundation of a house that I deserve to live in. And you, Ashley, deserve to live in a house where there's trust and where there's peace and where there's laughter and where there's joy. There's not your husband over there on the couch having some of his friends send him topless photos. You deserve that life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Today's day one. Today's day one. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right, gang, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. We all know that we live our lives on the internets these days. I hate it, and I wish it wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become weirdly normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies or give away our phone numbers or social security numbers to businesses who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete.me sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
It's insane. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete.me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
We can't really avoid being on the internets, but we can work to make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all of the Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I really appreciate that. I really appreciate that. Hey, living where you live, you don't happen to be an Astros fan, do you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
All right, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth, but first let's talk about your mom. I know, I know it's not cool to talk about other people's moms, but hang with me. When you think of mom, what comes to mind? Patience, resilience, love, showing up every day. For me, I think about my mom who taught me so much. And I think about my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I'm watching her sacrifice and love and work day in and day out. She's the best mom that I know. Whether you're celebrating a mom, remembering one, wanting to be one, or navigating motherhood in an unexpected way, everyone believes moms deserve the best. They deserve Cozy Earth. From their temperature-regulating bedding to their ultra-soft pajamas, Cozy Earth creates comfort that feels like home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Because for a lot of us, home feels like mom. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect way to wrap her or another special person in your life and even yourself in comfort and care. And to celebrate moms everywhere, right now you can get 40% off at CozyEarth.com, code DELONI. That's Cozy Earth, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash DELONI and use code DELONI for 40% off. Do it for your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
She deserves the best. All right, we're back. Hey, don't forget to like and subscribe and hit all the buttons on the internets that tell the overlords that you love the show and don't hesitate to pass it on to somebody. And tonight. I'm going to be in Louisville with my friend Dave Ramsey. And let's see here. Durham on April 23rd. Atlanta on April 25th. Phoenix on May 5th.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Dude, I just got back from Phoenix and it was wheels off, man. Thousands and thousands of people showed up for another event I did. And I can't wait to go back on May 5th. Fort Worth, Texas on May 7th. And Kansas City on May 9th. Come join me and my buddy Dave Ramsey for the Money and Relationships Tour. It's going to be wheels off. Yeah, I can't wait. I cannot wait.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
All right, let's go out to Waco, Texas. I almost made a David Koresh joke, but I'm not going to. And talk to James. What's up, James? I appreciate you not making the joke. It's hard, man. It's hard. It's David Koresh and then Chip and Joanna. So they're slowly redeeming Waco. Good for them. What's up, dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Oh, you're all good. You're good, man. Hey, one time I had one of my heroes on this show, and it was a virtual, and I realized halfway through, I was like, dude, this guy's like falling asleep. He hates me. And then I realized I always listen to his podcast like at 1.5 or 1.75, and I realized, oh, this is his regular voice. I had never heard it before. It's pretty embarrassing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
They're looking to be terrible this year. So I just wanted to commiserate with somebody, but good. You don't even care. That makes you even more well-regulated than I am. That's good. So what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
So it's all good, man. Now we're getting to talk for real. So what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I mean, you don't have a partner, man. You've got a mother. Trying not to. No, you don't have a romantic ride-or-die partner. You have an overbearing mother. You play a role in her life. It's a super common thing, man, where wives just beat their husbands down, down, down, down, and then they blame you for getting down. How long has this been going on, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Golly, dude. Are you exhausted? Yeah. Now, I want to be fair to both sides. I don't want to just badmouth your wife. Are you pretty absent-minded? Has she asked for help for eight years and you just fumble around and don't help? Is this a constant thing here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Why doesn't she like you? Cause this is, this is, she doesn't want to be your friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Yeah, but why have you become her punching bag? Instead of coming to you for restoration and y'all coming to each other for mutual, it's you and me versus the world. When things get stressful, she needs somebody to hit, and she's chosen you. That's what I say. Y'all can be friends all day long as long as you're singing and dancing and performing the right way, right? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I mean, it's easy to be friends when things are good. It's when my friend Todd walked up behind me when I was about to, when I was in the middle of about to get my head knocked off. That's when things got dicey. And that's when one of my closest friends showed up. Or outside of a bar one time, my buddy John King got in front of me when things were about to get dicey. Not about to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Things were super dicey. He got in front of me, and he went first. You see what I'm saying? When things get dicey, friends lock arms. They don't look at each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
How have you tried to address this in the past with her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Those meetings are good, and I need to do a better job of... The meetings are important, right? They have to happen. And good on you for doing it not in the middle of a moment, trying to justify yourself when you have a wife who's enraged and decided you're going to be the punching bag for the day. You don't do enough, and then when you're doing it, you're not doing it right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And then you try to help a little bit extra, and you did that one wrong, and there's just no grace or compassion. So going back to the meeting, good for you for having it. There can't just be a, well, I'll try next time. There has to be some concrete steps. Right? And you hear the word boundaries thrown around a lot. But if you start talking to me like this, you're asking me to disengage. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
If you start yelling, if you start screaming, if you want me to read your mind and I don't do a good job of reading your mind, it's only right and fair for you to say, hey, I'm going to put the kids down. You don't normally do this, but could you grab X, Y, and Z? That's a fair request. If she's requested that a thousand times and a thousand and one, you just blew her off again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I'm not saying her response is fair at all, but that's not cool on your part. Right. And so I'm trusting you that like, no, no, no, I'm trying to be plugged into this house, but I also know that for millions of men, their home is a failure factor. They can't do anything right because their wives use them as a prop in this Instagram-y kind of world they're trying to keep together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I know, but what about before that? Do you ever just do stuff because you're a member of the house? I try to. You get critiqued. You put the stuff in the wrong place. You don't wash the clothes right. Why didn't you use this fabric softener? Is that how it goes? Yeah. Okay. Because here's what's going to happen, dude. You're real close to resentment, aren't you? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Or you would be nuts if it doesn't get easier and easier to stay another hour at work and stay another hour at work and stay another hour at work. Yeah, you're right. And then the next step is if it hasn't happened already, it gets easier for that one woman at work who thinks you're hilarious for you to start thinking up a little bit funnier jokes to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Then you'll hang out a little bit longer when the office goes to get lunch. It's just how these things happen. And if you want to preserve your marriage, at some point you have to say, you cannot talk to me like this. And this isn't sexy, but I can't read your mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And so if you have things that you want me to do in a certain way to the point that you get enraged with me, please, let's be super clear. Let's write them down if that's what we have to do. And on the other side of it, good grief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
If you put the little spoons where the big spoons are, you've had a 16-hour day and you're exhausted and you're trying to help, and she can have some compassion and exhale because it's not going to end her world either. But my guess is it doesn't matter what you do or how you do it or what you don't do. If she's coming home looking to punch, you're just going to get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
There's not a way for you to win is what it feels like. When is the wrong word? There's not a way for you to connect in those nights when she wants, when she is seeking disconnection. Is that fair? That's fair. What makes you nervous about standing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
No, I know you. I know, I know, I know. It's hard. And it's hard to hear another guy talk about your wife like this. I got that. I get it. What are you afraid of?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
No, it's a life that y'all are co-creating together. How'd I know you were going to say that? Well, here's what's awesome. What's amazing is y'all have chosen a miserable dance. Where you come in kind of aloof and absent-minded, doesn't matter what you do, it's never going to be enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And then she has chosen, she doesn't like the life she has, and I don't know why, but she doesn't like the life that she has. And when that bubbles up and bubbles up and bubbles up, it comes out on you. And so for some reason, there's an inner anger in her. And it could be, she wishes she was back at work. She doesn't like being a mom as much as she thought she did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
She doesn't like you as much as she wants to like you. She doesn't, who knows what the thing is. You don't make enough money for her. Y'all don't have enough, like the neighbor's got a suburban and y'all just have a, like, I don't know what the thing is, the things are in her life. But that's where we got to get to. Because she has to exhale and be happy that she's in her own home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Does that make sense? Does that ring true? To a degree, yeah. What makes her happy? What brings her joy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
What's her favorite thing to do with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Okay, the two things you've given me are both methods. They're both awesome, okay? I love reading a book. My wife loves curling up, reading a book. I like being on the road. My wife likes traveling. But both of her two favorite things are escaping the life she has. I never thought of it that way. Because curling up and reading a book, one of my favorite things in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And I can also use it as a drug. And my wife, dude, she loves curling up and reading a book. My wife loves traveling and going to new places. But right now, right this minute as we're talking, she's building out the garden for this year. And my son's with her. And my daughter's roaming around digging holes or whatever. And this morning we had breakfast together. That's where our home has peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Mm-hmm. And so I think the bigger question for you is to your wife, you're not happy. You don't like this life that we've created. I want to create something with you together. We're escaping in the corner, away from the kids, away from me, escaping out somewhere else. I want home to be a place where you can exhale.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And maybe she grew up in a world where home was never safe, and so the things that kept her safe as a kid, you've heard me say that, she has to practice being at peace. Who knows? No, that's definitely true. Okay. But I think it's, y'all, you're going to be forced into this conversation, and I'm afraid you're going to become somebody that you're not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
You're going to find yourself in places that are out of character for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Okay. So if you've got this idea that you are always, every time I exhale, I've just fast forward 10 years and everything is the exact same. You don't like me. I can't do anything right in this house. I can't do, I can't not do stuff right. I can't do stuff right. I want to be somebody that you exhale when they come in the door and I'm at a loss.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
But deeper than that, your wife doesn't like the life she has. Do you like your life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Okay. So I, I think it's a matter of saying, okay, we're in the, we're in winter. We can just choose to hate each other during winter, but I don't want to choose that when things are cold and things are hot, when things are scary, when things are tense. That's why I want us to come together. And that can't be like, okay, I'll try harder. There's gotta be some, you cannot talk to me like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I'm tired of coming in my house and feeling like a failure factory. And she might say, well, I'm tired of you walking in the house and not participating in the rhythm of this home. Okay, I don't see it. I'm gonna ask you to love me enough to write it down for me. And that's not unsexy. And that doesn't mean I don't love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
That means I'm gonna practice seeing things because I just miss them and I'm sorry. And I'm going to ask you to practice stop treating me like I'm a child. Treat me like a partner here. And we've both chosen this awful dance. We can choose something else. And I think for you guys, especially instructive, that's the question that saved my marriage, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And by the way, I'm speaking because I've been where you are. I have been there, dude. And you find yourself like, oh my gosh, I'm about to cross some, like step into new territory, man. I don't want to go there. How do you want this house to feel when you walk home every day, when you walk in the front door? How do we want this house to feel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Because I bet she doesn't want to be screaming and yelling either. I bet that doesn't feel good. Just time to go back and have another meeting, man. Another breakfast. But this is going to be a... We're clearing the deck on a new marriage. We get to build what's next. No more mind reading. No more, I just didn't see it. We're done with all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
We're going to start being really honest and really direct. I don't want you to tell her, I'm just afraid I'm going to wake up 10 years and you're still going to be yelling. You're still not going to like me and you're still not going to like the life you're in. And I want to love you. How do I do that? Let's start there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
My guess is y'all are going to need to go see a marriage counselor to reimagine how y'all engage with each other because y'all are setting each other off and It's just a tough dynamic, but maybe you can have this conversation and begin to practice together. It's going to take a ton of emotional maturity. That's going to be hard, but I believe in you. Thanks for the call, my brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we're back. All right, off air, we were just talking about that last call. Keeler said something important. He said, just because somebody has a higher standard of clean doesn't mean they're right. And I love that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Kelly, you were saying something that I thought was pretty insightful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And on the other side of it, I literally like things in piles. I don't know why I like them in piles. And I also know that makes my wife increasingly more and more and more on edge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
So the way I can love her is to... When I see the pile starting to get out of control, to stop and clean all the piles off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And he wouldn't have... In any other world, he's not making that bed. No! He's leaving the house being like, I just loved Kelly to the moon and back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And I think that's it. What's going to get us to connection? What's going to get us to peace? Not what's going to get us to one of us being right. And when you try to go there, it never works. All right, let's go out to Quebec, Canada, and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
It's a balmy 60 degrees out here today, so I'll be outside this afternoon in shorts and I'll think about you. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
When you tell him that, what does he say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I know, but look, you know, this as well as I do. Okay. You've been in relationships, you know what physical affection is and you know what connection is. You also know when somebody is a vampire, he is not trying to connect with you. He is trying to use you for his own emotional regulation. And you can feel the difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
It doesn't matter. I can mean well all day long. If the person I'm trying to touch is saying, please don't touch me, that's my problem to deal with, not yours. And by the way, I'm not a fan of the love language stuff. Because it frames it, and I've never talked to the guy who created them, but I don't like how they're used. Because they get used as needs. And they get used as inflexible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I have a need here, and if you don't meet this need, I'm going to die. I'm going to be unloved because you didn't meet my need. And that's nonsense. Those things, they get weaponized. Well, my love language is gift-giving, and you came home today, and you didn't bring me a gift, so I see that you chose not to love me today. That's insanity. It's nonsense. It's very childish.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I know, I know. But he wants unfettered access to your body so that he feels better. And that's parasitic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
That's not your job. That's not your job. He can feel hurt. I mean, good grief. You come home from work and you say, I want 30 minutes to decompress. And he's like, Oh, okay. I see. You don't even love me. You can't control that. He's a baby. The greatest gift you can give him is to show up whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And if showing up whole is, hey, I need 30 minutes of whom, or when I walk in the door, let's have a long 30 second hug. And then I need to go exhale, change my clothes, go for a walk, plop down on the TV, like whatever I need to do for half an hour. Do you get what I'm saying? So I want you to stop living your life to try to not make him feel a certain way. You can't control that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
You don't have that kind of power. I want you to ask yourself, what do I need in this house so that I can exhale and be at peace when I walk in my own house? Because right now you're starting to not even like walking in the door. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Yeah, I want to take needs out. He will not die if y'all never touched again. He would not die. He'd be miserable. He wouldn't like it, but he's not going to die. He needs oxygen. He needs food. He needs water. He needs relationships. And so let's get into what do we want? Because that changes the whole narrative.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
He stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. How much did he spend on OnlyFans?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Because then he has to say, when you walk in the door, I want to have my hands all over you all of the time. And then you get to say, I don't want your hands all over me all of the time. Because we're talking about want. And I want to be able to say, I need a little bit of body autonomy without you throwing a temper tantrum or acting like a child.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And I will say this, most men, this is just the way we're socialized. Most men do not know how to connect in any other way other than through physical touch. Because in the real world, being vulnerable, being social, being emotional with other men will get you killed. They'll get you ostracized. They'll get you kicked out of the boardroom. And so in many ways, guys check in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
That's how they know that their marriage, their relationship, their girlfriend, everything's okay is through physical touch.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Yes, there it is. And that makes you anti-anxiety medication for him, and that's not your job. Your job is just to be his girlfriend. Yeah. And so what I really want him to do is two things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
One, begin to explore when you're gone, when you're on the other side of the room taking a business call, what are some other things he can do to feel less anxious that don't involve putting his hands all over you? What are some other things? Because that's his job is to deal with his anxiousness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And the second thing is, what are things that both of you can do to establish our relationship is good and safe? Because what he does is he creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Every time you walk in, hands all over, hands all over, hands all over. And finally you're like, hey, I need a minute. Oh my gosh, she hates me. And then you get annoyed that he's acting like a baby.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And then you let him come, well, come hug me. And then you're like, ugh. And then pretty soon you stop coming home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And then his fears that he's trying to quell by always being handsy are a self-fulfilling prophecy. He creates the world that he was trying so hard to avoid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
But I think it starts with a grown-up conversation, which is, hey, I've tried to just talk about it and talk about it. I know that you love to hug me. I know that you want to always have your hands on me, and I get it, and I'm glad that you love me. But I can tell when you're anxious and you're trying to use my body for you to feel less anxious, and that's not my job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And also, we have to, if our relationship's going to last, we have to get to a place where I say what I want and you don't immediately say, turn into a third grader who just got dumped on the playground. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
makes me feel loved every day and then what makes him feel loved kind of gets brushed to the side I know but here's the problem here's the problem with that sentiment one of y'all the way you're setting it up is one of y'all has to not feel loved if he could actually feel what it feels like when he walked and saw you walk in the door and said hey how can I love you today and you said you could really love me by giving me 30 minutes to exhale
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And then just French kissing me for about 15 seconds. Right? Then he could exhale and say, okay, she's been very clear on how I can love her. If I'm feeling anxious, that's my problem to solve. And what he's going to figure out is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
oh my gosh, when I love her in the way that she wants to be loved, I feel connected in a way that is much deeper and richer than me trying to manhandle her 24-7, 365. And you, when you start feeling loved in the ways that make you actually feel loved and not like you're his mother trying to pat him on the head and make sure little Timmy's knee feels better after he skinned his knee,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
then you will increasingly crave connection with them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Do you get what I'm saying? Somebody's got to break this cycle. But it can't just be on a case-by-case basis. It's got to be breaking the cycle like an intentional, okay, look, we need to have a grown-up conversation, and every time we do this, you get your feelings hurt, and you go into, I need you to not do that. I need you to stay present with me. Grown-up adults.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I want to start asking each other, how can I love you today? In the morning, and how can I love you today on the way home? And if that makes you anxious, when I say, here's how you can best love me today, or love me for the next hour, then you've got to deal with that anxiousness. Because this isn't just, I need it, I need it, I need it. This isn't about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
He does need it, but it's not because he loves and he's trying to connect with you. He needs it because that's the only thing he's figured out right now that helps him feel a little bit less anxious. And you can't be his anti-anxiety medication. That's parasitic. It's not your job. Your job is to be fully whole and to love him and see all of him and still love him anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
not bury yourself in the process. Thanks for the call, kid. I really appreciate it. This is going to be tough. I know it is. But I also believe, man, if y'all really love each other, hearing, hey, here's how you can love me. And here's the strategy we're going to put into place for the next three months on asking each other, how can I love you? And then honoring that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And then dealing with our own discomfort outside of that. be tough. I think y'all can do it. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, folks, cutting corners with our physical health won't cut it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Whenever I try and just wing it, when I don't have a plan or any goals for my fitness routine, I end up skipping workouts and making lots of excuses and not really getting anywhere with my beefcake workouts. And I hear from you a lot that This is the same way y'all work too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
To get started, you get online and answer a few questions about your fitness journey and you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan. And after that, it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. I use them, my wife use them, some of our friends use TrainWell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
We've been using these workouts and TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. And they have a special offer just for my audience, $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free personal training.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Go to trainwell, that's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash deloney. That's trainwell.net slash deloney. Go check them out. All right, we are back. Don't forget to hit the like or subscribe button. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Dude, that's so cool. Way to go, Becky from Oregon. I need to start doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Nope. Nope. Becky from Oregon, you just inspired me, dude. Way to go. Just making the phone call and saying, hey, let's go hang out. I'm doing that today. I reached out to one of Hank's buddy's dads and said, let's take the boys and go hang out. Of course, he was like, that would be awesome. And I've been anxious ever since.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I mean... Maybe. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Stunning. And I actually really like this guy. He's a good friend, so I like him. But my... Whenever I get some time off, I... My...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
natural bent is to just withdraw and go into a cave your love language my love language my love language and my needs so ridiculous oh my gosh that gives me hemorrhoids i need it i need gifts or you don't love me oh my gosh gives me the gas b's and g's gives me the gas love you guys bye
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
God almighty. What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I'm so glad that you are with us, man. For real. People all over the globe deciding, man, I'm tired of hurting all the time. I'm tired of going home to an electric house and I'm tired of just not feeling whole. And that's what this show is about, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
So just so you know, that's nonsense. That's not how that works. You don't, you don't take a lifetime of challenge and dump it on your wife. Only tell part of the truth. And leave out the worst parts. And then be like, cool, cool, cool. I'm all good. That's not how addiction works. That's not how betrayal works. That's not how a liar operates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I think you are wrestling with the fact that, good God almighty, this happened again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
The first thing you told me was you had no idea. And one of the most common things I hear from folks when they're just stumbling back from any number of levels of betrayal, right, is you thought your radar was better than this. Yes. You don't trust you anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And so now you're taking shards, like little scraps of, of, of paper and trying to like, like duct tape it all together, trying to scotch tape it back together. Cause that's your original marriage contract. No, no, no, no. We're good now. We're good. It's been three weeks. We're good. Cause I don't think you can, I don't know if you've got, got it in your chest to go through this a third time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Yeah, but talk all day. He stole from your family account.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
How much? How much did he spend on OnlyFans?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Yeah, sweet Ashley. I don't think you're fully metabolizing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
You've been through divorce before. You've been through the ash, and I know you don't want to go back there. I'm not suggesting you have to go back there, but you have to treat this as serious as that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
There is 0% chance that he, quote, unquote, just laid it down. Nonsense. Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. If he got rid of his cell phone and he turned Wi-Fi off in the house, maybe. But how in the world, how can you go from, he stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars from the family pot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Money for your new baby, money for y'all's kids, money for rent, money for clothes, money for food. He blew your credit up. because he just let it go to collections, because his pride was greater than his caring about you guys. He starts soliciting nude pictures from friends, from people he knows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Hurting people going through real challenges with their relationships, their mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit with you and see if I can... Look off into the distance and see a light that you can head towards, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
How in the world do you, like what makes you think like, okay, yeah, but he's telling the truth about not meeting up with anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Yeah, but he's not going to tell you that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Because he didn't tell you when he was stealing money from the house, and he didn't tell you when he let everything go to collections. He didn't tell you when he was hitting up friends for topless photos. He didn't let you know about that stuff, so why would he tell you the truth now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And of course, listen, of course he feels good. He just lanced a huge boil. Like, secrets will kill you, and shame will crush a man. No question about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
But, like, he took it and he gave it to you. Yeah, he had these two cinder blocks he's been carrying around, and then he hands them to you. He handed you one of them, and you were like, I think there's another one, and you were right. And maybe there's another one, maybe there's not, but, you know...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
So I think you have to reframe how you're thinking about it. He threw away your marriage. Period. Do you want to build a new one with him? And if so, what must be true in the new foundation of this house you're going to rebuild? Please hear me say, what y'all had is over. Financially, sexually, emotionally, trustworthy, that is over. Do y'all want to build something new?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K-D-E-L-O-N-Y dot com slash ask and fill out the form and we'll holla back girl at you, even though we ain't no holla back girl. Let's go out to Corpus Christi, Texas and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And if you want to build something new with him, dude, I'm all in. No one's going to beat you up on that. But you're going to want things to, quote unquote, get back to the way they were and they won't be because he did what the other two guys have done. He's one of them now. And until you fully exhale on that and then say, okay, here's what must be true for me to rebuild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And you get to decide, you get to say out loud, here's what must be true about this new foundation that we're going to build. And husband, you're going to do a lot of the heavy lifting here. And if he goes, are you serious? I already told you. Then he's not ready.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
If he says anything, anytime, anywhere, here's my phone. Here's all the contacts deleted out. Here's an app that any text I send you get. I don't have a laptop anymore. I've gone to a flip phone. I'm going to essay meetings. Now we can build something new because you're not going to be able to put two feet concretely on the ground. Ashley, you're always going to have one foot in and one foot out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
And you have to because you've been down this road before and your body has a GPS pin in the middle of your chest. You know what kind of hell you've been through with breaking up serious relationships. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
I just... You don't have to do any of this. You can just go on and just be like, yep, he's cured.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Okay, then what must be true? You tell me. What would make you feel like I can actually trust him again without doing what you've always done, which is bury your own emotions and bury your own fears?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
He drops this huge, this big thing on you. And you immediately went, okay, okay. I don't fully believe him, but I'm going to be quiet for one week, two weeks, three weeks. Finally, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to go through his phone. God almighty. I was right. And then you immediately go back to, okay. All right. Now we're back. Now we're good. Here's your path forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
Your path forward is you actually, maybe for the first time in your life, asking yourself, what do I want in my house? What will make me feel safe and trusted? Or what will bring trust into my home again with this guy? And him singing Kumbaya over a weekend and dumping all this stuff on you is not the path. Maybe that's a start. Maybe that's a step in the right direction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I want to start there in a culture obsessed with categorizing, labeling, and telling people what they can or can't do based on some sort of status, right? They have a snapshot of diagnostics. They experienced some trauma growing up. They've been through some hard challenges. Or maybe it's that nowadays it's fun to even beat up those who have been quote-unquote successful, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Like you've got a high net worth, so you have no problems. Quit whining about anything, right? You don't care about anybody. No, you don't care about anybody. You hate people just because you have money. Your whole career has been what I, man, tell me if I'm wrong, is almost the opposite of much of the, what I call the mental health, cultural zeitgeist, which is there's something wrong with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
It was like the philosophy. It was like, I want to live a good life, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I want to make money. How do I make money? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
We're going to pat you on the head, go and sit in the corner and we'll advocate for you. You've been teaching people how to advocate and empower themselves forever. So how do you teach somebody who's trying to build a small family, an entrepreneur just starting out? I've got elderly parents now who are beginning to be reflective over their life. Like, did we have any value here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
That was great, man. Thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Can you opt out of the cycle? To create your own safe, and I don't mean that in the way it's been politicized, but create a thriving place inside of a cycle like that? Or do you have to just ride it out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
There you go. Yeah, that's great. I grew up in Texas. Yeah, so winter is 58 degrees. That's it. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
It's the new year. It's my favorite time of the year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful. And overall, people are thinking about building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
How do you teach somebody how to develop a path forward in spite of not just park it and call it because I've got some label attached to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions, and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the show The Chosen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Right now they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow.com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out. You told one of my favorite stories you've ever told, and I'd love it if you'd share it here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
You talked about this sense that at some level, we always hear the comparison is a thief of joy, but you're the first person I ever heard say, but comparison's wired into us. We're social creatures. It's normal to look to the left and the right and see where we are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And you gave one of the most compelling, and Tony, it was so quick that I heard it, and it still stuck with me all these years later, a great conversation about You can be a builder or somebody that tears something down. But when you look to your right and your left and you see I'm not where I want to be relative to those around me or I have these dreams of being up, you can tear everybody down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Can you talk about that? Because I want my listeners to hear that because it's just stuck with me so long and it's so powerful, especially in a world that has told us if somebody has something, if they have a great business, they've got a great marriage, They had some hack. They had some privilege. They had something you didn't have. And so it's not fair that they have it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And so I'd love for you to talk about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Well, one of the things we have that conversation about here with callers is, If you do choose to add value sitting next to somebody who's dying, right? You're a hospice nurse. Yes. And there's going to be a financial cap or like you, I had my life changed by a few teachers. There comes with an owning reality. My wife started out as a teacher before she became a professor and moved on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
But I remember her meeting her and being so perplexed at how, and this is young, arrogant, idiotic John, right? She was so thrilled with her Toyota Corolla. Yes. And I remember her saying like, no, I'm a, I'm a teacher. This is what we make. That means my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I can't sit here dreaming of the Tahoe's because I chose a $40,000 life, which means I have to choose this car and my house will look like this. And this is me owning reality and finding peace in this world that I've asked for. It's the mismatch, right? It's the, but I want this and it's not fair. So I got to knock instead of saying, no, this is, this is the path I'm choosing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And I'm going to take ownership of this path, which I just love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Well, and what I love about you is you, it's the gift you have is, and I say this with all due respect, you don't care where a person's been. It's almost like you're blinded by the light of how bright it could be wherever they could end up, but they don't see it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And there's a relentless chasing after people that you do that is so infectious because you just won't let people settle or quit on themselves. And I freaking love it, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I've learned that the hard way, dude. Now I only, man, I ruined many a party being like, well, actually that's the wrong diet. I don't know more. No more. If you ask me, I'll tell you that other than that amount. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
What's up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking to you about all the things going on in your life, your relationships, challenges with your family, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on. For the last two decades plus, I've been sitting with people when the wheels have fallen off in their life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Dude, I love it. All right. So January 30th, tell us about the Time to Rise Summit that you're putting together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
That's amazing. I think the timing of this event is genius because it's when everyone starts running out of gas. And so it's like that guy that's about to stop running. And then somebody runs up next to him and goes, hey, let's keep going. And in fact, we're going to pick it up. And then all of a sudden you find yourself at the end of that workout.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
You ran further and faster than you ever thought you could go. So that's amazing, man. Hey, it's been, this is a bucket list thing for me, Mr. Robinson. I'm really grateful for your time. I know it's the most precious resource you got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories about the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves. The stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write about futures that are powerful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. As we enter into 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones that you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life forever for the better. If you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin to write new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. And if you're considering therapy, I want you to consider BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. Get online and fill out a short survey, and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P.com slash Deloney. All right, so that was my conversation with the great and powerful Tony Robbins. And as you probably heard on the show, he's got... I don't know, about 1,000 number one New York Times bestsellers. He sells out his events all over the planet, and he's got this free event coming up that I want you all to check out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Everything's going to be linked in the show notes. Everybody, go out and find a quiet moment for yourself and look in a mirror and ask yourself, what do I actually want? And then start crafting a plan to go make it happen. Thank you so much. I'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I'm just trying to figure out what's the next right move. And so this show is real people calling from all over the planet. And occasionally I have a guest on. And today's show, I'm pretty excited about, man. This is like the OG goat. The OG goat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
All right, gang, listen, I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment as well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
The great Tony Robbins joins me to talk about hope, what comes next, the cycles of how the world turns, and ways each and every one of us can look in the mirror and demand and decide and transform our lives from the inside out. The thing I've loved about Tony forever is... He refuses to let people be defined by their labels. He just refuses. He sees so much potential in every single person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of bond charge products with my own money and I love them. Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus of those studies being double blind placebo trials.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown any negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I use my red light therapy panels and mask, both the near infrared light and red light, 10 to 20 minutes each day and sometimes more when I'm in pain and often during my prayer and meditation time or when I'm having trouble sleeping. Red Light Therapy has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I've also ordered their infrared sauna blanket, their special light bulbs and lamps for my home, and more. Bon Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including Red Light Therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. I am the founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside Club. And yet, like all of you, I find myself at work and in my personal life pretty much living on the internets these days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
As a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. And we're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business accounts, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
It drives me nuts. And with all of this online activity, do any of us really know where our data is and who has it? chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send you reports throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And right now, I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls and it allows me to let my guard down just a little bit and finally feel some peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
This new year, I want you to share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, deleteme.com slash deloney. Can a person do that while remaining comfortable? Or is comfort, is that our cancer of the 21st century?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And I say that jokingly, but my wife is an author and she writes about the Dust Bowl. And I don't want to live in that time period, right? The Great Depression, all that. But gosh, we've made the most comfortable society in human history ever, ever, ever. And what you're talking about is profoundly uncomfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
Right, right. I want to be in great shape. I just don't want to work out, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
I complain. I have a 14-year-old and a 6-year-old, and I complain, and I'm done complaining effective immediately because that's a gap, brother. That's a gap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How to Change Your Life in 2025 (With Tony Robbins)
And he's got a gift and he's been doing it for 40 plus years. He's got a gift for bringing that out of people. And so I'm excited to sit down with him, man. He's kind of been on my bucket list for a long time. And we have a great conversation here. So check out my conversation with the one and only Mr. Tony Robbins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And then you get to say, and by the way, you opened the door for this man to walk in the house and have sex with me right in front of you. I lost trust in you too. Here's what must be true for me. I want to know that you'll fight for my heart again. And y'all have to also draw some boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. All right. Swan dive in. Let's do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
All right, flirty conversations, what if conversations, fantasy conversations, those can be so fun and playful and exciting and erotic. I'm all about it. Have all the fun you want. Have all the conversations you want to have. But in the future, here's the breaks. Right? Y'all got to build those boundaries in. So here's what this is going to look like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I don't ever want to have another conversation about you with another person, another man, another woman ever again. Okay. I don't want to have that conversation. And you can say, you get three questions or five questions a day. And once you reach that limit, then we're going to go to the next day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Because just sitting here having like 40 questions every single day, every single day, it isn't helpful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And that's, that's, that's the damning thing about sneaking off and sleeping with somebody else. Right. You're not who he thought he, you were right. Right. So he's trying to imagine who you might be. And I promise what he's envisioning is worse than reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
But you can't, that's the part you can't fix. What you can do is, is do the next right thing every minute, every hour, every day. And y'all can both say, hey, what does it look like when it comes to chores? What does it look like every day before we go to work? How can I love you today? What does it look like every evening with on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I'll plan the activities that we're going to do after eight o'clock and Tuesdays and Thursdays and Saturdays. You plan the activities we're going to do after eight o'clock or seven o'clock because our phones are off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And we've got to come up with, we've got to reimagine our lives together. Or twice a week, we're going to have another couple over just for dinner. We're going to go to a comedy show. We're going to watch a movie. We're going to begin to do things so we can reestablish liking, reestablish safety, reestablish trust in this relationship because we blew it up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And you can tell them. Yeah, we can. I totally understand your lack of trust. But you just trying to tell them you're crazy for thinking this isn't helpful, so I'll answer your questions. I'll answer five a day. That's kind of my capacity. Or seven a day. You get to decide. Two a day. I don't care what it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
But when each of you establishes, here's what it's going to take to reestablish trust and rebuild something amazing, the other person can say, that's not enough for me. I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. Here's the question I want you to answer. I want you all to put it at the top of your paper. What do we want this house to feel like in one year when we both walk in? I want it to feel full of laughter, warmth, sexiness, silliness, dancing. And then let's reverse engineer what must be true starting today. Got to take dance classes, cool. Both got to go to the gym, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Both going to start reading the same, like do a book study together, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yes. So you're dating again. Hi, my name is Kate. I think you're kind of cute. Can I get your number? And you both know the capacity you have to hurt each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I'm going to tell you something crazy. I don't think your marriage is over if you don't want it to be. And he doesn't want it to be. I think there's going to be some fumbling and stumbling around in the dark as y'all rediscover who you are, what y'all are capable of, how to forgive and how to say you're sorry. And then the most important thing is how to act anew.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
How to begin doing different things. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
As a cautionary oracle, I read a study. Gosh, man, it's been a minute since I read it. Maybe a few years ago. but it's something like 90 something percent of, it was a, it was a number that was so astronomical. I couldn't believe it. Have thought about a threesome or fantasize about a threesome. And more and more couples are like, yeah, let's give it a shot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
What would you say to the couple who thinks they're pretty tired? They've been married for eight years, 10 years, 15 years, whatever. That's like, yeah, we can do it. We can handle it. What would you tell that couple?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
All right, here's the deal. You call me anytime, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And if you and your husband want to be my guest at the Money in Marriage in February here in Nashville, Tennessee, y'all two can be my guest. You'll have to get your airfare here and your hotel here, but I'll cover your tickets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
But there's a lot of work between now and February. Now and Valentine's Day. Okay. Asking yourself this question. How do you want this house to feel like when we walk home? Because here's the beautiful thing. Y'all made some decisions to blow the thing up. Y'all can make those same decisions to recreate something freaking amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And I love what you just said. It's really important. The only thing we got good at was having sex. Cool. It's not a bad place to start. It's a pretty awesome place to start. But let that be an anchor point and begin to have honest conversations about we don't like each other. Let's reimagine liking each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
The insane ship is out of the harbor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
You complain a lot. All you talk about is conspiracy theories. You actually think people landed on the moon. I'm vegetarian and all you want to do is eat steak. I don't like being around your mother. Let's have these things because they're happening in our marriage whether we want to talk about them or not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And then most importantly, let's begin to act different. Is that cool? That's great. Thanks for the call, my sister. I can't wait to see the kind of work y'all do. I mean, I'm strangely optimistic. And I don't know why. It's just a sense. And if your husband ever wants to call, tell him to give me a shout. I'm sure people listening will want to know the other side of the story too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I'd love to talk to him as well. And if y'all both want to call in, I'd love to have you both on. Your marriage as you knew it is over. Here's the question. Do we want to build? And if we do, what are we going to build next? We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
We have the stories about the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves. The stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write about futures that are powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
As we enter into 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones that you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February. I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life forever for the better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
If you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin to write new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. And if you're considering therapy, I want you to consider BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Get online and fill out a short survey, and you'll get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
All right, gang, listen, I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment as well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of bond charge products with my own money and I love them. Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus of those studies being double blind placebo trials.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So walk me back to the beginning. How did this thing get initiated?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown any negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I use my red light therapy panels and mask, both the near infrared light and red light, 10 to 20 minutes each day and sometimes more when I'm in pain and often during my prayer and meditation time or when I'm having trouble sleeping. Red Light Therapy has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I've also ordered their infrared sauna blanket, their special light bulbs and lamps for my home, and more. Bon Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including Red Light Therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. Let's roll out to Omaha and talk to Sarah. Omaha. I love counting crows. What's up, Sarah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I'm honored to talk to you. I promise I'm more honored. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
That made that conversation extra scary, didn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay, so you cut off the music, you turned on the lights, you sat down and said, this part of our life is over. How did he react?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. So, A, I want to applaud your bravery. Good on you. Okay. So, often this moment, what you did is still kind of scary, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And it can feel like a nerve, like a raw nerve ending. Yeah. Yeah. But that also means if I try to give you some coaching tips and some ideas on how to move forward, it can hurt, right? So if I walk through this with you, the best you can, like your feelings are going to be what your feelings are, right? If we could all control our feelings, how rad would that be? But we can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Our bodies do what our bodies do. But will you at least intellectually hold space for, I think what you did was very brave and pretty amazing, and here's some next steps. Is that cool?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Like me with you, not at you, okay? Yeah. Most of the time, it takes so much. Like these conversations build up for so long, right? That they either come out, like you mentioned, kind of caustic. This is the end. I want a separation. I want this. I want this. The other person knows you don't really mean.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay, that feels like a violation there. So one, y'all are having some fun, flirty in the bedroom. Like, okay, what would happen? And what would he want to look like? And would you want to be with another woman? Or would you want to be with another man? So y'all are having this flirty, kind of fantasy, role-play-y...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And they know I'm just going to weather the storm and then things will kind of get back to the way they were. Or people explode. They do something that they can't take back. They cheat or they go buy a bunch of stupid stuff on borrowed money. They do something they can't take back. So here's the next move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Most of the time, people are not very specific about what I need to see happen in this house. It's usually about here's how I feel and here's what I want and you need to start. But there needs to be some really specific benchmarks because here's what's going to happen. I think... Do you love this man? Do you love him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So he's part of you. He's like an arm or a leg at this point, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. You love him, but you don't like this guy at all. Is that fair? That's probably fair. Yeah. Okay. Like... You love him. He's part of you at this point. Y'all have made a life together, but you don't like the guy. Yeah. If you don't establish some pretty clear benchmarks, your like and dislike is just the finish line there is going to keep moving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And so if you say, I just need you to help out around here some more. Well, in his head, he's got a picture of what helps out looks like. And he's got a picture of what some more looks like. And for you, you have a picture now, but you're going to be judging whether he's helping out some more by whether you feel like you like him. And that finish line will keep moving and moving and moving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. And then he realizes, I can't win here. There's no way that I can bring this thing back because she just keeps moving the line on me or nothing I ever do is enough. Or as Terry real says, most men just want to know why don't my wife, why doesn't my wife like me? What is so bad about me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And it comes down to a set of like aligning pictures and words and then really saying, here's what I need in this house and specific metrics. And I know that feels very unromantic and very un-Hollywood and very unsexy, but Hollywood was never real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. So you've heard me say this in the last year, behavior is a language. So he understands that when you're mad, he just has to hang on and the storm will pass.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Because your behavior says, forget what I say. I'm not actually going to go anywhere. And when you say, speak to the kids in that way, I remember one time I sat down with a supervisor and I said, if you curse at me again, I will get up and walk out of this room and I will not come back. Are we on the same page? I never cursed. I said, if you curse at me again, I will get up and walk out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And the response was a long pause and it was understood. And to this leader's credit, the supervisor's credit, it never happened again. So when you spoke to him and said, I don't like the way you talk to the kids, Did you say, if you yell again, if you belittle me or make fun of me again, if you curse at us again, we leave?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. So then he took the first step by posting you on a website or did y'all both agree? Like, Hey, let's just go fishing a little bit and see what, like if we made it, if we made a fake account, I wonder if we, who would actually want to be interested in us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Good for you. Things like that. Okay. So now it's just a matter of follow through. Or you come back and say, I'm not going to leave. I'm actually not leaving. I'm never going to leave. I want you to choose to not treat us like we're... you know, with like, you don't love us that we're in the way somehow in your life. Can I ask you something insane?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
When's the last time you made him a cup of coffee?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Is that because you know what's coming?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yeah. But it's, it's bigger than that. Are you coming to the realization that your life is not going to change unless you do something dramatic?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
You've been making dramatic statements for a year, but you haven't been making dramatic steps, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Does he want that guidance and direction?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So if behavior is a language, what's he been telling you for the last year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
What has he been telling you? If behavior is a language, what has your husband been telling you for the last year? After you sat down and said, I can't do this anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So let me ask you this on behalf of him. Are you done? Is this theater?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So some of those things are going to have to change. Yeah. Your kids are going to have to go to regular school and you're going to have to get a job and you're going to have to do this officially so that your husband will pay child support and alimony.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I know what you want, but what is is what is. He doesn't want to make it work. If behavior is a language for a year, he's been telling you, yeah, I don't care. I just want you to turn the lights back off and turn the music back on. Let's just go about our regular life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I'll meet with whatever guy you want me to meet with and I'll tell him I'm going to work hard, but I'm not going to. And I'd rather have my ego intact than my family intact.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I mean, if somebody won't submit to an authority, it's funny. I, I, I started a new, uh, training program with a new trainer and I've had the same, like I've been like worked with the same guys for years and I just started a whole new thing just to mix it up. And it's a pretty amazing company. And the trainer sat down with me and we walked through it all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And the trainer was like, Oh my gosh, okay. You know, all this stuff. And I was like, yeah, I know all this stuff. And yeah, He said, how can I help you? And I said, I'm submitting to you. If you tell me to do this and you put it in the app, I'm going to do it with no questions asked. And he was like, wow. I go, I am submitting to you. You are my trainer from this point forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I said that to my minister at my church. When I signed up to place membership at your church, I submitted to your leadership. And that's just my particular faith community.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And he is, your husband won't submit to somebody, to a therapist who says, I know more about what's happening than you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Nah, I don't want that. I'd rather be right. I'd rather my illusion of power. That's cool. He's going to lose everything or here's the other side. He's not going to lose anything. Nothing's going to change. He's going to slowly, his wife's just going to turn to dust in his presence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yeah. I can feel it. You don't deserve that. Your kids don't deserve that. He doesn't deserve that. And so I think the conversation is 90% like you've done all the feeling parts of this. There's the tactile direct. How much money will it cost for me to get an apartment for the kids or how much like husband you're moving out on this date?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So you're just going through a phone, and you find out there's an app on it, and you're on some threesome website? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I've got somebody at my local church who will serve as an attorney and will do this at a discounted rate for us. You are telling me by your actions you don't want to be married to me anymore. Because you can't curse at me and the kids and you can't scare your family and all the other things that you're not telling me on the air, which I know are going on. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yeah. And so here, I guess my challenge for you is this. I would love for you to sit down with somebody and actually put a pen to paper and make an actual plan with actual numbers and exhale on that plan. Because right now you've made all these grand gestures and these statements and they're brave and they're different, but they don't have any action behind them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
They don't have any steps behind them. And good on you. You've continued to tell him you cannot talk to us like this. And here's what that means. And I'm sure there's other things you've said. You cannot hit me again. You cannot spin this again. You cannot come home drunk again or whatever you've laid out for him. And through his actions, he said, I don't care. I will weather the storm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And you always make these big proclamations. You don't ever do anything. And here she goes again. I'm going to let it ride. And then we're going to move on. And if you want to let it ride, let it ride. Let it ride. But stop beating yourself up over it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Or if you are done, the 90% you've thought through it and felt through it and prayed through it and gotten wise counsel through it, and there's 10% left, then if you're done, then for the sake of him, for you, for your kids, go make a plan and put it on paper and see what happens next. At least you're acting from a place with a firm foundation instead of just a sense of feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
My dream is that your marriage is safe. Is that he goes, what am I doing? My stupid ego is about to blow this whole thing up. And me and my wife haven't liked each other for a long time, but we can get that back. That's not hard to get back. We can get that back. And I don't want these kids to grow up with going to two different Christmases and two different Thanksgiving. We can get that back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
God, I wish you would do that. And I wish you would love yourself enough to demand that. But also there's a financial reality. There's a fiscal, I mean, there's reality after reality after reality after reality. I get that. But I think it's time for action steps. You say, how can I support my husband's growth? It doesn't sound like he's growing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
If you see growth in trajectory, then you start practicing. How do we like each other again? Let's go do fun things together. Let's do questions for humans together. Let's go be silly together. Let's go see a movie together. Let's go see a play together. I don't know what y'all are into. Let's go fishing together. Whatever things y'all are into. Let's begin to work on our friendship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. So did you scream and yell and demand he take it down or you were like, all right, well, let's see how it goes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Let's work on liking ourselves together. But what I'm hearing is he's not growing. It sounds like he abused you one last time. You said enough is enough is enough. You drew the line and then he stepped over that line and you're thinking, oh, oh, this is real. I hate this for you, my friend. I'll be here every step of the way. Call me anytime. Any way I can help you. Any way I can help you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I think it's time to get some wise counsel in your life, some friends around you and say, okay. I don't have to act, but I at least need to get some action steps. I at least need to have a plan on paper and see what this is going to look like. And then me and my husband are going to sit back down and say, okay, you didn't follow through. Here's what happens next. Thanks for the call, my friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
We'll be right back. All right, since the first day I started the Dr. John Deloney Show, I've preached about the importance of regular exercise and your overall physical health. And I'm thrilled to announce I've partnered with TrainWell, an amazing app and personal trainer in one. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So if you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. This January only, you'll get 45% off the monthly price plus 14 days of free training at trainwell.net slash Deloney. Go right now. It will change your life. trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, let's go to Austin, Texas and talk to Steven.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Ooh, good question. What are you anxious about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
What are your issues? Don't tell me about your dad's. What are your issues that you think you have that are going to ruin a child?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
What up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so grateful that you are with us. Talking about your relationships, your marriages, who you're dating, your kids, your mental health, your emotional health. For 20 plus years, I've been sitting with hurting people. I've got a PhD in education. I got a PhD in counseling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yeah. What did alcohol and cocaine... What did that wallpaper over for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
How old were you when your buddy died?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yes, sir. Was she goofy? Was she silly? Was she serious? Sexy? Funny? Tell me about her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And before that, what role did she play in your life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Did your dad struggle with substance abuse?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Where's mom? divorce that happened about a year ago okay so tell me if I'm way off base here and I don't mind being way off base okay when you grow up in the home of somebody who's struggling with addiction of any kind you grow up next to like a ghost image of your mom or your dad or your brother or your sister
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Was it a game of chicken that kind of got out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And especially when you're a little kid and into your early teen years, everything a child does has to be anchored into two adults that care about them. And you're anchoring into a ghost. You try to hug this person and they weren't there. Your dad was on the couch, but he wasn't there. Your dad would smile at you, but he'd look through you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And then you have this wild card, goofball, WWE-loving, fun friend that happens to be a girl, which when you're a young boy, it feels like you got the keys to the kingdom, right? Two of my best friends growing up were girls, and I felt like I had insider knowledge, right? It was amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Oh, this, this is happening. Oh, this is really happening. Oh, you want like, and then nobody stopped anybody and all of a sudden y'all are heading off a cliff or right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
But you have a special connection, especially non-romantic friendship, which is pretty rare, but it's pretty rad, right? But it sounds like you may have been a really lonely kid. And then your whole world went away when you were 18.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. Something in the last 12 to 14 years has happened. You don't like you anymore. Why not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Give me right now. Are you, are you, I mean, you're worried about kids. Are you married? Are you seeing somebody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay, two things on that. When you grow up with anxiety and low-level dysthymia, low-level depression that just hangs around like a bad headache all the time, right? One of the ways you can cope with that is trying to grasp every variable in the world and control it. I will make this much money by this age. I will have a house by this age. I will have this degree by this age.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I will be at this job. See what I'm saying? It's a kid trying to create order out of a chaotic childhood into adulthood. But the only way we're taught how to create order is by these external metrics. These external things that are supposed to tell us that we're doing okay and we're all fine now. And it sounds like for the last 14 years, you've been accomplishing those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Are you pretty damn accomplished? Are you pretty good at what you do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yeah. I can hear it. What do you do for a living? Give me a general picture. I work in sales. Okay. And you do well?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So you all met with a third party, and you're like, hey, we're kind of into this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
You salespeople always have the next guy ahead of you. Yeah. Give me a, give me a salary ballpark.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. And you had a magic number that you thought if I got six figures and it was going to be okay. Yes, sir. And you learned that sucky thing that we all learn, which is you made six figures that one time and you went with you. And you still didn't like you, even though you had that number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
The second thing is this. I don't want you to enter into a marriage where you feel like you are entering into a mother-son relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
If you want to get married and you want to start creating a life for this person, but you're not ready to have kids, I want you to enter into a relationship with a partner who will honor that and walk with you. Absolutely. Does that make sense? Yes, sir. Absolutely, yes. Okay, so it's kind of tongue-in-cheek.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Kind of like the day you get married, she's not going to be like, ha, ha, ha, and do a burn the birth control ceremony, and then we're having, that's not going to happen, right? No, no. Okay, okay. Um, here's the deal. I want you to maintain your voice, but all of this to say, what are you concerned about with your kids? What do you think you're going to do to a child?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Your dad hasn't dealt with it. You have. Fair enough. Yeah. Say this. Repeat after me. I am not my dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
No, no, no. I am not my dad. I'm not my dad. Will you make a commitment when you have a child every day you're in town, you will tell that kid, boy or girl, son or daughter, you'll look that child in the eye and say, I love you and give them a hug? Absolutely. There will never be a day of that kid's life that they don't fully know the dad loves them. Absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Will you make a commitment to stay sober? And if you find yourself unable to like needing to numb some sort of hurt, That you'll seek professional help? You'll go get the care that you need? Absolutely. Yes, sir. Repeat after me. Man, I screwed up. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
If you can say those words, you're going to be a world-class dad. Will you commit to never making your kid feel small even if they've got weird, wacky dreams and not swearing and yelling at your kids? Absolutely. Will you commit to honoring those kids' mom till the end of time? Absolutely. That doesn't mean agreeing with everything, but that means treating her with dignity and respect. Yes, sir.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
You need to start having kids tomorrow because I want more dads like you out in the world right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So here's the deal. I don't think you're scared of passing on. I don't think you're scared of ruining your kids. Here's what I think you're scared of. I think you're scared of your kids looking at you and thinking about you like you think about you. I think you're scared about having kids and them looking at you and becoming ghosts just like your mom and dad did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And I want you to let that fear go. Okay? Yes, sir. Your kids will love you till the moon and back. And they demand little things like presents and putting your phone down and sitting in the mud with them. And like my daughter last night, scraping snowflakes off of a disgusting sidewalk and eating it. I just let it roll, dude. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
and I had a hard hard conversation last night with my son he's really struggling when it comes to my phone restrictions and all that and it's hard I hate it for him man but he knows that I love him and you're going to be that kind of dad but your kids aren't going to stare through a hole through you they're just not you're going to be the most important thing of their entire world but the person that needs to believe that is you
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And your dad drank because he was going through hell, not because of anything you did. And your mom left not because of you, because she was dealing with crap. She was dealing with her own hell. Think of it this way. There's a period at the end of that sentence. And the world is waiting to find out what Stephen's going to write next. When is your wedding, dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Good God. Go to the Justice of the Peace tomorrow. Five and a half years. Plan a party later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. And so you showed him by going to find another guy and you slept with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Well, go this weekend and just call it. You've been dating for half a decade already. Yes, sir. And here's what I want you to do. Tonight, will you do me a weird favor? Yeah. This is going to sound crazy. This may be the most romantic thing you've ever done, and I want you to take full credit for this and don't say that you heard it from some podcast guy, okay? Okay. You're 32.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I want you to write a letter to 38-year-old her. I know 10 years from now. And I want you to write about what kind of husband you are going to become over the next decade. What kind of man you're going to become over the next decade. And how you're going to dedicate your life to listening and to not trying to solve, but to be with her and to love her and to provide.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And then I want you to write a letter to your future kid 10 years from now. So maybe that kid will be eight. Or knowing you, you won't get married for four more years because you want to plan the perfect wedding. So whatever. But I want you to write a letter to that kid and I want you to read it to her. Here's what's going to be different. Because God chose me to be your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So then a guy's coming to your house, and you're both like, no, no, what are we doing? This is crazy. This is like a fantasy out of control. Like, stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And I want you to read it to your wife or to your fiance. I want you to put it out into the universe. But more importantly, I want you to hear it. Here's what kind of dad I am going to become. The great Terry Reel says, family trauma rolls, burns through a family like a forest fire until one person turns and stares it down and brings peace to generations they will never know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And the part I added is the person who turns and stares it down gets burned and gets scars and it's painful, but he brings peace, as Terry says, to those next generations. That's you. And this is you saying this generational substance abuse, the generational depression, the generational anxiety stops with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
My kids will know love and connection and laughter and warmth and joy, and they'll know sadness and grief too. But this stops with me. And I'm putting a stake in the ground right now. And to my dear fiance, here's the life you can expect over the next 10 years. I dedicate my life to you. And the kids that aren't even here yet, here's the dad I'm going to become.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I'm going to start working on this right now. Actually, you started working on this 14 years ago and you decided to get sober. And one last letter. You got three to write. I want you to write one last letter to your friend. And I want you to go back and listen to this interview, this conversation between us. Whenever you brought her up, you lit up like a Christmas tree.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I could hear it in your voice. I want you to go back and write her a letter and let her go. Let her go be free with whatever WWE angels she's hanging out with and commit to her in that letter. I'm going to live a life for both of us now. And it's going to be wheels off, off the top rope, wheels off. I'm going to be the dad I never had. There's no anxiety about bringing kids into the future.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
It is wheels off. And by the way, that's a crazy statement. Of course, we're going to be anxious about kids. The world's a crazy place. I'm going to make these commitments now and I'm going to go do the next right thing to make these commitments happen. Send me a wedding invitation, brother. And let me know when little Steven Jr. is on the way. Or Stevenetta. I don't know who it's going to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Boy or girl. I made that real weird. Sorry. Kelly's looking at me like, yeah, you made that weird. Send me a birth notice here in a couple years. The work you've done, Steven, is amazing. And I think the work is just getting started. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. I am the founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside Club.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And yet, like all of you, I find myself at work and in my personal life pretty much living on the internets these days. As a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. And we're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business accounts, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff. It drives me nuts. And with all of this online activity, do any of us really know where our data is and who has it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send you reports throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And right now, I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls and it allows me to let my guard down just a little bit and finally feel some peace. This new year, I want you to share the piece by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
That's join, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, we are back. All right, something cool happened. Kelly, what is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Oh, my gosh. You guys, hey, that's a... That guy will get me choked up on the way home. I'm going to act tough until I leave. And I appreciate that call. What was that letter? What was that dude's name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Ryan, thank you, brother. Thank you for that. If I could wish for anything, for anybody, it would be peace between them and their 15-year-old self. And if you want to go check it out, everybody listening, Frank Turner's Ceasefire. That song off his latest record is just... Um, I don't know if I said this on the show, but I listened to it and I just started sobbing and sobbing and sobbing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And one of my oldest buddies, um, the drummer in my band in high school, one of my closest friends in the world, um, he reached out and goes, dude, tell me you've got this new record. It's so amazing. And I was like, yeah, I said this song. And he immediately wrote back and said, as soon as I heard that, I thought of you, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And just the war I had in my head with my, when I was 15, that has continued on. Yeah, if you're struggling with letting yourself off the hook, your former self off the hook, maybe today's the day. Let your former self go rest in peace. The world's waiting to find out what you're going to write next. Grab a pen and let's get going. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Oh, y'all are going to end up having sex together anyway, so you might as well... Y'all two do it first, and then it'll be okay for the threesome. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to help walk alongside people in messes. They've created messes that have been thrown at them, messes they've been dropped into, and help people figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be with us, it's real people going through real tough times.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Did y'all go through with it in the evening or did you call it off in the middle?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Yeah, you became somebody that you don't even recognize.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's go out to Athens, Georgia and talk to the great and powerful Kate. Hey, Kate, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So there's multiple issues here, okay? Okay. Issue number one is you have a marriage that was already a mess. If your body is screaming at you trying to get your attention to the point that it spins you out and convinces you you're dying via panic attack. And your husband says, I can't fix that. He doesn't stop what he's doing and come running.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Y'all have cracks in your relationship that are pretty significant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
That's number one. Number two, you lost trust in you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
and that's a scary place to be when we lose trust in ourselves because it's hard to take a next step when we find out we're capable of things that we judged other people on before when we find ourselves capable of hurting other people or justifying weird things or falling prey to or using really thin arguments to go do a thing just to see what happens you know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And the third thing is, like, you blew up your husband's trust. This is going to sound crazy, but y'all planned to do infidelity together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And so if he was calling me, we would be having a different conversation. But ultimately, the marriage you had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. It's dust. Just smoke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
That's right. It's why a lot of people say that an affair saved their marriage. Because it just blew the house down that was a house of cards anyway. That no one would just say out loud, this is what this actually is. That's not a reason to go have an affair. God help us. But like there's people like, it's like it, it brings to light what everything like truth real fast. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
So the next steps have to be, if y'all decide not to save your marriage, that one's over to rebuild a new one. Y'all can do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Well, that's stupid. Don't ever talk to that guy again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Hold on. You're already exasperated. What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
It's less about don't talk about it. And you got to understand your husband, that same person that you're saying, like, I can't believe I did this. He knew you that way too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Right. And only y'all three know that. how this engagement started when this third party walked into your house and what images are in your husband's head.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And when he's been asking you very specific questions, which is really common after an affair, like I want to know exactly what happened. Exactly. Now he's looping on that. The images in his head all the time of you with this guy, you with this guy, and he kind of got a glimpse of you with this guy in real life. Right? So it's all there. The next steps are very specific. Here's an open book.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
The table is clear. What must be true for me to rebuild trust in this house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
And by the way, he also texted the guy and said, come over. Here's my address. So he's culpable too. Yeah. But y'all both have to lay out on the table. Here's what reestablishing trust looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
I can't wait. What happened? I can literally hear it on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. So you tell me and he gets to tell you. Y'all tell each other. Let me say it that way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
Okay. Well, then say, I'm going to go first. I'm deleting all apps. I'm cutting the internet off the house for 30 days. At 8 o'clock at night, all the phones get shut completely off in this house, and we have to stare at each other. Okay. And that means we have to play Twister together. I'll send you some questions for human sex. We've got to get to know each other again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Backed Out of Our Threesome
We've got to go on walks. We're going to read books together. We're going to have to do these things together and recreate a new... You've got to go first. If he's like, I don't even know where to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And if you believe she just walked out on you, if you believe that she said it was all cool, even though she was gay and it hurt, like exhale that. It hurts. It's painful. And then meet somebody else and say, hi, my name is TJ. I got a lot of baggage too. I'd love to get to know you. Thanks for the call, my brother. I really appreciate you hopping on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
All right, coming up, we talk to a woman who is struggling to regain her husband's trust. And it wasn't an affair. We'll be right back. All right, just a quick word about the best mattress in the world. Helix. Spring is here, and that means the darkness and the cold are finally gone, and we can get back into the swing of things. Spring breaks, summer plans. I feel like I'm coming back alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So join me. Let's reset. Most of us have blown through our resolutions, so let's reset today. Let's make today day one for a great year. And the top of the list of the reset, great sleep. Great sleep is the foundation for everything in our lives, and this is where my friends at Helix come in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I've slept on everything, cheap mattresses, the floor, bad hotel mattresses, hunting camp sleep pads, overpriced mattresses, you name it, I've slept on it. But when I switched to my Helix mattress, everything changed. I fall asleep faster, I sleep deeper, and I wake up feeling rested, restored, and ready to go. And because everybody sleeps differently, Helix has a mattress designed just for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
for you. Side sleeper, back sleeper, you sleep hot, does your spine need a little extra care? Whatever it is, Helix has got you covered. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. It takes less than two minutes and they'll help you find the perfect mattress. Plus, Helix gives you 100 nights to try it out risk-free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And right now, my audience gets 27% off site-wide plus a free bedding bundle with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash Diloni. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell Helix you heard about them right here on this show. Go to helixsleep.com slash Diloni. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's talk about red light therapy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long, long time. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bonn Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under this glow of fluorescent lights and little screens and medium sized screens and giant screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help you boost your mood, reduce stress, and even help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, my infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat. I'm always mixing and matching, and I use them every day. And listen up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
If your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's Red Light Mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I got the mask, and I'm starting to feel so gorgeous. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin, and it's easy. There's no creams or appointments. It's lightweight, and it's even cordless.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Let's go to Nicole in the Ozarks. What's up, Nicole?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
All right, let's go out to Phoenix. TJ, what's up, brother? Not much. What are you up to, sir? Dude, I am rocking on to the break of dawn, brother. Just chilling. Are you? Yeah, what about you? Good, good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Incredible. Just by calling the show, your life got better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I probably would disagree with you. Okay. So go ahead. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Yeah, there's so much in your question. You said today, the last few days have been the best in a long time. What's made them the best?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So. Is it that you have a cleaner house? Or is it for the first time in five years, you feel like you can finally trust you again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Because here's the thing, depression... I talk about anxiety, OCD, all these other things. Depression's a different animal in my book. And I think depression and anxiety are on the same trend line, but it's a body that says... It's your body trying to take care of you by... turning the lights out and getting under the covers. Yeah. And it's really powerful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And in any major depressive, and I'm obviously not going to diagnose you over the phone, but in any major depressive, like when you're dealing with somebody who is really struggling with depression, one of the chief goals is tiny wins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Just get up today and take a shower and then get back in bed. That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Just get up today, take a shower, put on makeup, go back to bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
How do you move on from your sexual attraction to your ex-wife? I need some more context. I would assume you're still sexually attracted to her. That's a strange assumption. So tell me what you're struggling with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So you and I only have—we've been talking for three minutes. Can I— Connect some dots and you just say, no, no, you're wrong?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Okay. Is there a chance that whenever a parent is really struggling with depression, it's very challenging for a kid because I often use the same analogy in talking about parents who are struggling with alcohol. For a kid, it's like trying to hug a ghost. They're there. They're right there physically.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
But they're not there. And for a child, children do so much to try to connect. Hey, let's go play the ball, kick the ball. Hey, will you do this? Can we watch videos in your lap? Can I do anything with you? Because a child naturally wired into them evolutionarily, they have to stay connected to a parent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And when a parent is unplugged right next to them, whether it's because of substance or because of depression or whatever, a kid will kind of start cycling. They'll start spinning, trying to find ways to connect. And you did that your whole childhood, fair? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Work was her drug, right? Yeah. Work was her drug. So is there a possibility? Tell me, I'm happy to be wrong here. That you fell in love with somebody and you married them? And then yet again, you found yourself having to perform up to a certain set of tasks for them to be okay with you. For instance, the house has to look a certain way or I'm out of here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
But did you accidentally marry your unfinished business?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So in a weird way, and hear me say this, it's not a good thing, but it's not a bad thing, okay? It just isn't is, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And this happens all the time. It happened in my marriage, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Y'all both married each other in some sort of way using the other person to try to fill something in their life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
You were there. You were well enough. And he had a list he needed to check off. You needed safety. You needed somebody to say it's not, that you're not somehow malfunctioning. And y'all connected. And you were each other's oxygen until the tank ran out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Is this about sex or is this about a 20-year relationship where somebody knows everything about you and there's a deep, safe, intimate connection there? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you not live. That kind of feels like it is, right, Kelly? Kind of feels like it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And then you want to be more than just a checkbox on a list.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And he wanted you to be a maid slash mom. Right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Again, there's a thousand different things, so I don't want to minimize it, but I wouldn't be surprised if your body said, I know this story. I'm out. I know how this goes. I quit. And here's why it's important for you to internalize this. You being squished under depression does not mean you are somehow malfunctioning in your character. You're not a bad person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
What this is, that is a distant, that is a distant byproduct. What it has to do with is for whatever reason, and this, this is all going to tie back to your question. What should you expect rebuilding your marriage? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
It all, your body identified your world, your home, your partner, something, all of it, a piece of it as I can't do this. I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And if you think about yourself underneath a, I don't know if this analogy will hold. I'm just making it up off the top of my head. But if you struggle with anxiety and you're doing bench press, imagine the bar is so light that you can lift it a hundred times like a broom handle, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
You're just lifting it and you're trying to lift it as much as you possibly can so you can get as strong as you can because one day someone's going to try to kill you. With depression, somebody loads it up with five times the weight you can lift. And you push and you push against it and you can't budge it an inch and you just stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And it lays on your chest and you can't move it. And the only way to get that bar up is to get some of that weight off the bar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Is this about sex or is this about a 20-year relationship where somebody knows everything about you and there's a deep, safe, intimate connection there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Here's what I need you to hear me say before I go any further. There's not something wrong with you. Your body was simply trying to keep you alive. You're not a bad wife. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So you and your husband created a world, the one that y'all both knew. And you were somebody that was going to accomplish all of his tasks. And he was somebody that was going to finally heal you. And y'all both were like, oh, this isn't how this works. That's a great place to find yourself if y'all can come to the table and say, okay, cool. We created this world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Now we can create any world we want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That's amazing. But you cannot predicate what comes next with, look how clean the house is. Because I'm promising you, Nicole, I'm promising you. If that's what it takes to bring you all back together, that finish line will move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
The house will never be clean enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That's right. It will move to, well, if you lost 20 pounds... And then it will move to, well, if you just did this in the bedroom, and then it will move to, well, if you just simply flip it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Right. Well, it will always move because you were never the problem. It was this context y'all created, this environment, this world, where he's trying to find somebody that will do all of the things that he thinks is what it's going to take to make him feel whole. And you cannot feel that for him. He can only be whole from the inside out. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
He can't rescue that nine-year-old girl inside your chest. That's your job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Well, because one of the funniest misnomers is that the best sex you're ever going to have is when you're 25. And what the data tells me is married couples who are in their 40s and 50s are having the best sex. Okay. But that's not because they look the greatest. I was way more attractive when I was 20, right? It's not the things that we think matter when we're younger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Fair? Yeah. Does it make sense what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Awesome. So rebuilding a marriage, imagine rebuilding a house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
You're gonna have disagreements on where to put the new bathroom. One of y'all is gonna lay a tile floor and it's gonna look funny. You have to pull the whole floor out. One of you is gonna roof the house and the roof's gonna be crooked. You have to pull all the shingles off, all that expense and redo it or maybe hire somebody to come and do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Rebuilding your marriage, expect it to be uncomfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Expect it to be like glimpses like you're experiencing right now of, oh gosh, when this thing is singing... It works. It's amazing. It feels right. I feel now we're both, both of us are in the boat and both of our feet is in the boat. He's not just watching you row while he sits on the shore in a lawn chair with a beer and you're not him in the boat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
You're just trying to paddle as fast as you can to be the wife he wants you to be. Right. It's both of you saying, Hey, both of us have to be in here and both of us are going to row. And both of you have never done that before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So it's awkward. It's weird. It's frustrating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
It really is. And here's the important part about the marriage, about building a new marriage. You always have to go back to that blueprint, that picture y'all created together about where this thing is headed. Yeah. Because that's what matters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Do it weekly. Talk about your money. Talk about your sex life. And commit to each other to not use the word you. Commit to use the word I.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
He's not allowed to say, you need to do, make sure our bet, he can't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
He needs to have the courage to say, when I walk in the door and this house is all cleaned up and I've been working really hard all day and you are like running the house and I'm running this business, I feel so loved. Yeah. Or I'm struggling with being attracted to you right now. That's exactly right. But that's different than, hey, you need to lose 30 pounds. See the difference?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And when he says, I'm struggling with being attracted to you, exhaling and choosing curiosity over judgment, how dare you, you son of a, that's judgment. Curiosity is, whew, that's hard to hear. Tell me more. Tell me more, right? Yeah. And you, if you're being honest, are tired of him hassling you about sex when you can't even brush your teeth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I want you to go get... You've heard me say, if you listen to the show, I want you to go buy yourself a small little journal for nine bucks at Walmart or Walgreens and commit... This is for your soul, for your marriage, for your husband, and for your kids, okay? The stakes are high on this. I want you to write down for a month or two every single story that pops into your mind. Write it down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And then ask your husband if he would honor you by sitting down and helping you challenge those together. Okay. If I don't clean the dishwasher, my husband's going to leave me. Write that down. You suck at being a mom. Write that down. Good moms don't need time away from their kids. Write that down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Husbands always, always, always want to have sex with their wives. And if they don't, that means he's having an affair or that means I'm unattractive. Write that down. We are always, always going to be changing diapers, bathing kids, dealing with spit up, getting food off the floor, dealing with screaming and crying in bedtimes. We're always going to be, it's not true. You're in a phase.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
It's winter and you're really cold, but I promise spring is coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
It is, I know what you're into. I know what makes your toenails curl. I know, like, I know all about you. And there's a safety. There's a relational safety that is super deep after two decades with somebody. Yeah, I would agree with all that, yes. So I guess, like, let's take sex out of the equation. I don't know. No, we can leave it in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So here's your expectations. Curiosity over judgment. Okay. How can I love you? Not this year for our whole marriage. How can I love you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
We're looking for little wins, tiny wins. I believe I'm worth an hour in the gym, an hour of walking around the block. How can we make that happen? Enough space where I get that hour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
If you want me to show up in the bedroom for you and you want me to show up here as your wife, I need to have adult friends that I can exhale with. So that way we don't use each other as garbage dumps. And I tell you all the bad stuff that happened with the kids. You tell me all the bad stuff that happened at work. And then we just go, and we watched an episode of Dexter and we fall asleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I know it is. I mean, because that's the American marriage right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So amazing. I think it's cool. And I would be lying if I say there's some psychological benefits to getting rid of clutter. My friend Dawn Madsen, the minimal mom, she's amazing. My buddies Josh and TK over at The Minimals. The stuff they teach and preach is right. They're right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
A non-cluttered house is good for your soul. And this isn't about you having a clean house. This is about you desperately seeking some signal that you're worth being loved and married to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That's right. That's what he needs to hear if you want to rebuild your marriage. Because he has to come to the table with, how can I love you today? I just need you to hold me. How can I love you today? I need you to wash all the bottles. I know you're an attorney and you work 17 hours today. I need you to wash the bottles. Got it. How can I love you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Can we just have hotel room sex while the kids are asleep, just in the bathroom of the hotel? Can we just shut the door and just get after for five minutes, please? Got it. Expect there to be starts and stops and fits and backwards and forwards and all that kind of stuff. One more thing. This is just nagging me in the back of my mind and the back of my chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And so I just want to put it on the table. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
If y'all haven't already, I want y'all to have a, after the kids are in bed, tell them, I'm going to talk about something really big this evening.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And I want you to hold both of his hands. And I want you to say, before we go, the last three months have been such a transformation in our lives. The last month has been amazing. Um, I need to make sure that all of the secrets are on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Have you gone through text messages and cell phones and social media accounts?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Okay, whatever you need, make sure the secrets are all out. Because if you go forward and you still have shadows, it just makes it hard to see, right? It just makes it hard to see. But amazing. Keep going, keep going. You two can call me anytime. I'll have you both on the show if y'all want to be on. I'll walk with you as far as y'all want to have me walk next to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I'm so proud y'all are rebuilding this thing. Keep that picture in mind and keep this phrase going all the time. We are on the same team. And both of you are going to have to say, I'm sorry. Both of you are going to have to say, I forgive you. Both of you are going to have to say, well, we got to pull out that bathroom because the tile's on sideways. We got to rebuild the bath. Here we go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And we're going to keep going and going. And by the way, as soon as you get this whole house built, you're going to have three teenagers. You're going to have to build a new house. And that becomes part of the excitement and fun and novelty and playfulness and work of being married for a long, long time. Amazing, Nicole. I'm proud of you. Keep seeing that counselor. Keep seeing that counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Next up, a woman is forced to reckon with her past and the guilt it brings into the future. Stay with us. All right, it's time for a quick word about delete me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel like digital trails leading right back to us? Now scammers are using phishing attacks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That's phishing with a PH where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and to care about you. You ever got an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's actually looking out for you. With all the new technological advancements, no one is really safe anymore. So what are we supposed to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I guess to have the same level of trust and sexual compatibility and intimacy, you're going to need more time. Like you're going to have to build that relational stability. You were married to somebody. Now you're just hooking up with people. That's a different anchor point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Start controlling what you can control. The first thing is to learn about how to be careful online and offline with your digital footprint. And the second thing you need to do is sign up with Delete.me. I use and recommend Delete.me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and selling it to a bajillion other people. Delete.me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Stop the phishing attacks and the harassment and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital Privacy with delete me go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today for 20% off their annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month That's join join join delete me.com slash Deloney All right, Omaha, Nebraska, what's up Heather?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Okay. Well, thanks for reaching out. It's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I was going to say, did you do anything else dumb when you were 20 or 21?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Like every 21-year-old on planet Earth?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Well, you're going to have to get in a long line of 20 and 21-year-olds who made bad decisions. Why is this still haunting you at 37 years old?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
But do you see how you're bouncing tenses and trying to compress time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
People who are cheaters are terrible people. One time... getting up on two decades ago or a decade and a half ago, I cheated. In fact, I didn't cheat, but I participated in somebody cheating. You see how you're toggling time back and forth to bring your stuff that happened a long time ago into the present?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
What did he say when you talked to him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I mean, does that make sense? Yeah. Yeah, no, that all makes sense. If you're married 20 years, not everybody, but you get to a point where you're not performing anymore. You can be with. If you're just hooking up with somebody, that's a show, right? You're doing your greatest hits so that hopefully they can do their greatest hits. See what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That's what I think you're frustrated with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Even before I met him. Okay, let me ask you this. What is it getting you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
No, it's giving you something. I don't know what it is, but it's giving you something. Is it a way to remember this affair? Was it pretty wonderful?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Okay. Is it a way to protect you from ever, like a... I'm thinking of like a little kid who dresses up in like old armor, right? Like an almost knight costume, thinking that's going to protect them from something. Is it your body trying to protect you from ever doing this again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So it just carries it around and dangles it in front of your face like one of those carrots in front of a donkey on the cartoons just to remind you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Are you worried that your husband has cheated on you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Okay. Again, I... Yes, I think you played a role in participating in something that was very unhealthy and not good. Fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I'm wondering if the intensity of the guilt you feel is if you've had this big secret for all these years that you believed in your heart and mind. I think you're right. My husband doesn't really know what I'm capable of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And every year he did something great. Every time something happened, every time he popped off about, man, if somebody ever cheated on – and that weight got heavier and heavier and heavier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Because if my wife comes up and says, hey, I did this thing. It was pretty rough before we met. My immediate frustration would be, you've kept secrets like this from me for this long. That'd be my first thought, not the thing that happened. The disorienting thing, we'd get to that eventually, but the disorienting thing would be, I thought we knew everything about each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
and maybe I'm out to lunch here but I'm wondering if you sat down and said hey I told you this thing I kind of wanted to get it off my chest and I threw it at you but I realized it's fair for you to be sitting around wondering what else I haven't told you for the last 15 years yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Yeah, we're playing nothing but the hits here. That's exhausting because you're not being you. Yeah. Right. What does... Uh, I mean, do you still miss your wife, your ex?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Okay. But he's... Here's the exercise I want you to try, okay? Okay. Two things. Number one, I want you to give it a day or two. And then I want you to, when the kids go to bed, say, hey, let's go out to the kitchen table. Not in our bedroom. Let's go out to the kitchen table. What? I want to go... Just please do this for me. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And I want you to say, I kept something big from you that I was ashamed of for all of our marriage. And it breaks my heart that I didn't tell you the truth about who I was or not even who I was, but a thing I did that I'm really ashamed of for all these years. And I also understand that you're going to have questions about, what else did she not tell me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So I would like to offer you an opportunity to let it rip. Ask me any question you want to ask. I'm going to answer it right here. Because I want to build trust with you that you know I'm not walking around with these... You're going to be waiting for another shoe to drop. And if he says, I don't have any other questions, I'll believe you. Okay. If I was a husband, I wouldn't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I would have a whole bunch of questions, right? But maybe he is. Maybe he's just a stoic guy that trusts you and realizes that was probably hard and maybe moved on. He's probably a more chilled dude than me. The second thing is, this is old school Deloney advice. I want you to go to Lowe's or Home Depot and buy... a cinder block, and it's important that you buy it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Don't just get one from the yard. Go buy one. And I want you to duct tape on it. When I was 21, I got with a married man. And I want you just to carry it around. You can carry it around in your hands. You can put it in a backpack and carry it around your house for a while. But I want you just to hold it until it gets so heavy you just can't carry it anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And then I want you to go out in the backyard and throw it on the ground. Tear off the tape. Wad that tape up and put it in the trash and tell yourself, I'm not carrying this anymore. I forgive 21-year-old me, period. I forgive you. And when that guilt comes up, I want you to exhale, go, nope, I forgave her. Because Heather now in the present would never cheat. I forgive her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
She did something dumb. Forget about the work dynamics and the age difference and the hierarchies or whatever happened. I forgive that 20-year-old, 21-year-old knucklehead. I forgive her. And I'm not giving that guilt a vote at my kitchen table anymore. I've got kids. I've got a husband that I love. I'm moving on with my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
But I want you to have some moment that you can exhale and say, I set that down. And then what you're going to practice over the next few months, maybe a couple years, is when that thought pops in your head, you remember one of the nights together you spent with that dude, or he pops up on your LinkedIn, you hit delete and block. Don't reply. I forgive her. Then go on about your day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And that sounds glib, but this is just you practicing living in the present and stop letting the thing that happened 15 years ago haunt every minute of your life. And again, my gut tells me that The intensity of the guilt is more around I'm keeping this big secret from my husband more so than I did something really stupid when I was 20 or 21. Thanks for the call, sister. Hey, we'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
All right, so we are long past Easter now. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, for growing in your faith, and for building a relationship with God. And this is good news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent practice of prayer and gratitude or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Halo, the number one prayer app in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Halo helps me stay mindful even when life is gone berserker. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for intentional spirituality with Halo. Plus, when you sign up at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That sounds like one of your high school boyfriend's name. Like pulls up in a Camaro. I'm Thunder Bay. And you're like, oh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Your eagle tattoo on your arm goes, come. Bon Jovi just spontaneously starts playing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Dude, good job, Thunder Bay. Thank you so much for reaching out, man. Even though now I'm going to have to deal with like a month's worth of Kelly's high school boyfriend stories. Dude, that's awesome. I'm proud of you for stepping up and being that kind of dad that just wants to be a little bit more intentional. And man, anytime your kids, your little kids lean up and say...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Hey, Dad, Mom, do you want to try this? That's amazing. That is just amazing, watching little kids connect with their parents. I love it. I love it. I love it. Congratulations, man. Everybody else listening, be a little bit more intentional. That's all it takes. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Well, I mean, we're live in the fact that we're all in here doing this show right now, but when the people hear us, it will have been... I think one day we're going to do this show and there's going to be like some big wild thing and we're just going to be like... Like before COVID when all those people had recorded their shows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
What are you saying, man? Like, you're like, I knew that she wasn't living a life that she felt would make her a whole, but it was all good. And she was combative and was blaming me for her lack of happiness. I knew she was gay, but it was all good. And then I had money issues and business issues. Did you have integrity issues too? Did you hide the losses? No, no, I didn't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So she just didn't expect you to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Yeah. Well, some tried, some went down trying. I'm sure they did. So here you are three years post divorce. Yes. Do you like the life you're leaving, living right now? No. Do you respect TJ? Do you respect you in this new world? Um, do I respect myself? Yes, I do. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Are you proud of who you've become post divorce? Yes. Excellent. Yeah. Excellent. Who are you sharing your life with? In what respect? Do you have a group of guys that you hang out with, that you go shoot and pool with, that you go shooting with or drinking with? I don't know what you do out there in Phoenix, but just sitting around being hot with, right? Do you have a gang?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Every time you date, what happens? your ex-wife just pops into your mind?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So, so let me ask you this. What are you looking for in the last, in the back half of your life? You built a life for somebody and neither of y'all were honest with each other and you tried to make it work and it imploded. Now you're, now you're trying to figure out what you can do in the back half of your life. What do you, what do you want that to look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
So can we exhale for a second and grieve a little? You had a spirited, sexually adventurous, very chaotic two decades with somebody. There was good stuff. There was great stuff. There was really tough stuff and there was painful stuff. If you keep that door open and you parade every new person you meet in front of that door just to compare it, it will always collapse on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
You have to grieve that that part of your life is over. And if you had great sex with your wife, no new person is going to, or your ex-wife, no new person is going to come in and take that away or minimize that. You only have a few choices in your life to have a 20-year relationship with somebody. Right. So it's not about how do you compare. It was great. She was my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
What's going to matter going forward is can you and I decide you're going to bring baggage to the table, I'm bringing baggage to the table. We are going to choose peace in our house and we're going to choose as much joy and novelty and fun and whatever and whatever and whatever moving forward. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Because it feels like, if you were just talking to me, I would feel like you just found out six months ago that your wife actually is gay after two decades. She just hid it from you, hid it from you, and she moved out. She's remarried to another woman, and your head is still spinning. That's how fresh it feels when you're talking about it, even though it was three years ago. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Does that make sense? Mm-hmm. Total sense, yes. Can I just say this? I'm sorry. Because I also get the impression you really loved her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
That was your wife. I do. Yeah. That's the thing you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Yeah, it's their mom. So you're always going to be connected to her. Right. Right. And trying to have somebody just waltz in and do like that. Don't let the physical, whatever fun times y'all had, whatever deep connected sexual contact. Don't let those moments. Let me say this. Going to the top of the Empire State Building and looking at that spire that goes really high into the clouds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I don't really care about baseball because the Astros traded away everybody. That's why I'm a huge believer in the Nashville Stars because my Astros gave everybody away. So we just need the White Sox to have one more really obnoxiously bad year. They can just move on down south to the Nashvilles. I don't even know if that's supposed to be how it works out, but that's what I'm hoping for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
It's amazing. But you can't forget that that only exists because of the however many 300 or whatever floors that are beneath it holding it up. The sex was so great and the connection was so great and the depth was so great because y'all were both all in for 20 years. You made humans together. You were ride or die. And there was some big secrets, some big, big, big things in between you two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
But man, y'all went for it. And if she's the one who decided, I'm out, I don't respect you, then you would be a different man than me if you didn't look in the mirror and ask, am I worth respecting? And by the way, for whatever it's worth, I think you can be a respectable person whose business goes away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
I think you can be proud of yourself that you went all in and some new technology came and took your company away from you or a new competitor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Or a financial collapse. Or a financial collapse, right? Yeah. That's not a reason to bail on somebody. That's a reason to double down on somebody. And she left. That's painful, man. That hurts. And so I would say as you're dating and as you decide to marry somebody new, let those opportunities be as fresh and new because we're starting from day one with those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And do not compare them to what was. And by the way, that's going to be a natural thing. When that pops into your head, you have to make a choice. You have to make a choice. I'm stopping for a second. No, I'm not going to go back to that one night or go back to that crazy weekend in wherever. I'm not going back there. My wife left me. We are divorced. She is gone. I'm here with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
And if you try to heal those wounds of, hey, she left with sex with strangers. If you try to heal that, I thought we were ride or die and the economy tanked and then you were gone. And you start to feel like I was just a meal ticket for you and the kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Like when you have those moments, like the thing about casual sex is for a second, it can make that stuff go away, but it is hollow and hollow and it piles up on you. So pause for a minute, brother. Pause for a minute. Grieve that thing fully. And I don't know anybody who can grieve by themselves. So get your gang. And then date somebody new and be open. Everybody's going to have baggage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Hey, glad that you're with us on this show. Kind of distracted today because Kelly got a new tattoo. She got a dragon across her stomach. And if you're wondering, was it weird when she showed us? Yup, it was. But I'm glad that you're here talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your coworkers who just get weird tattoos and just feel the need to show you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
21 year olds who get married have baggage. They got their family baggage. They're bringing their whole families in the new house with them. And they got to figure out how to unwind those things. It's just part of moving forward with somebody. Honor what was. You loved her. And if you believe you did right by her for 20 plus years, then honor that. Exhale, drop your shoulders.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Yeah. I'm going to give you two paths here, okay? Okay. Path one is the path that I take. And I'm not saying that it's right. I'm saying I've just heard so many of these stories over the years that I had to come to a place where I've got to be able to sleep at night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And... I'm willing to cash out a friendship to keep people safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And so, but then I'm going to give you another alternative that may be more feasible for most people, okay? Mm-hmm. The two things that I've got no quarter for and what I mean by no quarter is that are stop the presses for me is if somebody is in physical danger or somebody is considering dying by suicide.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Everything stops. And if I've got a friend in your situation that consistently says, yeah, I got hit again last night, I got beat up again last night, there comes a moment when I sit down and I say, if you call me and tell me about getting hit again, my next thing is I'm hanging up the phone, I'm calling 911 because I can't stand by and watch this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And there's just a period at the end of that sentence. You wouldn't do that. You swore you wouldn't tell. I don't care what I swore. I don't care what I promised. I would rather you be safe and alive and hate me than have this happen again. And honestly, that is just how I've made peace with it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And there's probably, quite honestly, a few people in my life who have no longer tell me things because they know how I'm going to respond. Right. But I also think that there are people in my life who tell me things that they wouldn't otherwise because... The thought of when you're abused, physically abused, it takes so much of your soul.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I mean, your body, it just does different things physiologically.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And so the thought that I can see past this ending, your body isn't able to see it on the road like that. Your body's just trying to survive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
So it can't see what freedom looks like and what two years after an awful messy divorce and court records and somebody going to jail or somebody going to court and not going to jail, even worse, which happens a lot in domestic abuse. They can't see on the other side of it two years from now being able to walk into their own home for the first time in years and just exhale and feel safe. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Right. So I know that enough about you to say, I'm willing to push this domino to knock the whole thing over because I can't stand by and help. So that's me. Okay. I think a broader conversation about boundaries is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Sitting down with coffee or sitting down and having an in-person conversation saying, I can't continue to show up to these meetings and have you getting beat up and beat up and beat up. And you saying you don't need to do anything. I can't carry that anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Either I will go first and I will walk through hell with you or I'm going to ask you to stop bringing this cinder block and asking me to carry it for you, but you're not willing to set it down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I think what you're trying to do is to both love your friend and keep your friend safe and hold the outcome, and you rarely can do all three of those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
What has your conversations been like so far?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I think go back, go back to the reason we give advice. Why do we give advice? Because we want to give somebody a path out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
We want to give, we want somebody to be better off after interacting with us than before. And if advice isn't that path, then I'm going to jump over the advice path and I'm going to call the authorities because my friend's getting beat to death in their own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Right? And here's another thing. I said often people who are being physically abused, it's hard to get out of that mindset and to look down the road. That's not always true. I remember a harrowing conversation with somebody, with a woman once. And I was just being flippant like, you need to leave. And I'll never forget. She looked at me and said, and then what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I can't eat. I don't have a place to go. It just rattled off. And it was like, oh man, she had done the calculations in her mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And she's economically trapped. Or she may go, but she's going to leave behind a six-year-old and she'd rather get hit than the six-year-old get hit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Like she had done the long-term calculations and there wasn't a good plan. That's where I think, man, your role as a minister of a local church, have a fund of 2,500 bucks set aside for somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
that they come to you and you're like, I gotcha. I'm ready to sign the lease right now on a three-month apartment for you. Are you in? And we'll send six men over there to get you moved today. Like that to me is, I don't know. It's, I think the long-term, you've got some choices to make and some hard decisions to make down the road is great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But when somebody's in the middle of something, it's not time for swimming lessons. It's time to get them out of the water. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But man, if that's a place where you can pull a trigger or if that's a place where you and your husband can say, hey, we've got your to-go cash. We're going to put this on the table. We got a one-bedroom apartment for you. Or we got a spot in our garage apartment. I don't know what that looks like, but... Right, right. I think it's taking some of those variables away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But I do think at the end of the day, I mean, that's been the majority of my life, people coming in and sitting down and saying, I've got this awful thing happening to me or going on in my life. And I say, okay, I'm ready if you are. And they're like, well, I don't want to change anything. Right. I don't want to do anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I'm always pretty open about when you're ready, dude, I will storm the gates of hell with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Except on those two things, dying by suicide or physical violence. And then I'm just going to start going myself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I think that that probably is not the best solution all the time. Yeah. But I'm never, ever again going to have in my life not having made a call. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Man, thanks for the call, dude. I think your willingness to be open is going to help a whole bunch of people because, A, you're not alone when it comes to the religion conversation, but I think there's something bigger at play here that's really important, okay? And that is you have this person who you love. In fact, you love talking about how much you love her. Yeah, exactly. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Because I've been on the other side of that. I'm just not doing that again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
What's your next move? I'm interested. I'm interested in what your next move is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
That's right. Um, but is this, is this man, um, like your close friends, does this man have, do y'all have peripheral men that are connected to this dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Okay. So it's not like you and her and several other girlfriends are friends and your husband and him and several other dudes are friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Okay. All right. Because that's it. Yes. That's the other way. Um, I remember, uh, This is a peripheral story. I just remember several years... I mean, this is probably 15 years ago now, maybe. Maybe a little bit longer. But I made a joke. I just moved to a new town and a new group of men. And we were having a get-together. And we were all kind of laughing. And my wife hadn't moved yet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And we were going around the room like, hey, what does everybody need? Kind of take a prayer request and just kind of getting to know each other. And I was the new guy. And I was like, does anybody know like where the dating spots are? And we all kind of laughed. And I was happily married and all that. And a guy who's become one of my closest friends in the world, his name's Kevin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
He said, hey, you don't know us that well. So just to clear the air, if you ever cheat on your wife, you better hope to God she finds you before we do. And I remember being like, okay, whoa, right? But it was just him being like, this is the kind of guys that we are, it's how we roll.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
So I was hoping he might have some peripheral guy friends that could pay him a little visit out behind the woodshed, but... Right. I... Yeah, I think in your job as a pastoral care minister, as somebody who works in mental health, there comes a moment when I have to say, okay, I will be here for you. You are not in a position to solve this problem or you're not interested in solving this problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I think your willingness to be open is going to help a whole bunch of people. But I think there's something bigger at play here that's really important. Okay. What up? What's going on? This is John with Dr. John Deloney. Show up. So, so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I know the limits of my ability to help you and I can't solve it for you. If it's gonna get you killed or get you hurt, I'm jumping in and I'm calling the authorities. If it's not... When you are ready, I can't keep accepting your bomb text at 2 a.m. I can't accept your phone calls. I can't accept these coffee dates where you just tell me all this stuff and you don't want to change it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
When you're ready, oh my gosh, I'm all in. I'm all in. And maybe sending that in a letter so that that person can go back to that letter and go back to that letter and go back to that letter. Yeah, I love the idea of knocking on your church and saying, hey, we need to have a small fund for when women need to get out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Or you and your husband track down a couple of men, a couple of families, a couple of men and women in your church that will be willing to say, I got $1,500 right now to get them out. I don't know a lot of people in my life that wouldn't just put cash on the table to get somebody out of an abusive situation, get them into an apartment. So I love that idea.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But yeah, not a way that this ends super well, especially initially. We're playing a long game that we can get this woman some peace. And good God, hope you get this guy the accountability and he needs a... heart change in a major way. Probably after some jail time, too. Thanks for the call, Ian. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
You somehow have gotten the wires crossed in your mind that is telling the truth and being fully present with her is somehow going to lessen her or hurt her. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
All right, let's go out to Grand Rapids, Michigan and talk to David. Hey, David, what's up, man? How you doing? I'm all right, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
You don't, man. I hate that for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
How long have y'all been friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
So the real work you have to do, and I hate to tell you this, man, I don't know any man, any guy who's not been right where you are. the real work you have to do ahead of you, unfortunately, and it's going to sound cheesy, is grieving the fact that you're probably going to have to get a new best man. Because this guy is not who you thought he was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I think the frustration is, I think it's probably twofold. Number one, you're just like, dude, any guy, any guy in this kind of situation,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
You you're the kind of guy who wants to go like like bro get out like right you're drowning get out I'm gonna throw you a life raft And so that's that's the kind of guy you are number one, but number two Like not to be weird, but you made plans with this dude Making friends after college making friends as an adult, especially for guys It's impossible and you found one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Do you met a dude at a bar and you're like bro, let's ride or die And there's that exhale like dude, you're not gonna be by me at my wedding Because what he's telling you is, dude, I don't want your advice. I don't want your wisdom. I'm going to make my own grownup choices and I'm going to be with this person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But everybody comes with baggage, though. I mean, that doesn't bother me. It's you're watching her be of a person that's killing your friend. Right? That particular baggage that she has, he can't carry. And she's hitting him with it or whatever. I mean, I don't want to ruin the analogy, but you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I mean, but you're, you're missing the whole other, you're missing the whole other side of it, dude. Your friend met some new girl and instantly invited her in to come live with him. Your friend went and found her a job where he works. Your friend likes having her around without those two kids around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
So you're pegging all this on her, but your brother, dude, in arms, your buddy, is equal participant in this thing. He should know better. I know, but what I'm saying is, I can't get to the source of your anger because we're just watching two adults make two dumb decisions over and over and over again. But they never invited you in and said, hey, what should we do here? What's the next right move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I can't tell if you're angry because you feel powerless in the situation or you're watching a slow motion train wreck. Where's the source of your... There's an old saying, I finally sat down and confronted my anger. And she introduced herself as grief? Like, is that what it is? You're just bummed? Like, what is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I guess I'm mad because he... Is it one of those things where one of your buddies, it happens to all of us, they start dating somebody and they just disappear off the face of the earth? And they used to go to the bar and they used to go to the game, used to watch the fights, and now they're just with her, her, her, her? There's that weird jealousy thing going? Like, what is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Here's the thing. You clearly, non-romantically, but like in an important way, you love this guy and you care about this guy and you wish well for him. And he doesn't want your input on this one. He didn't care. He didn't care what kind of character she has. He doesn't care about any of that stuff. He didn't care what you say. And he's going to tell you the right things because that's who he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
In your words, he's electric. He's a smiler. He brings people together. When you're like, dude, what are you doing? He's like, man, I'm so glad you're my bro. Thanks for being honest with me. And then he goes right back and gets her a job where he works so he can be with her more. Behavior is a language. He's clearly telling you, I don't care what you have to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I don't care what you think about this. And so the questions, I mean, the what's next does not involve him. It doesn't involve her. The what's next, dude, involves you. Are you going to tell him, hey, man, I'm your friend. I'm going to be, this thing is going to, I would love to be wrong. And if this thing works out, I can't wait to go to this wedding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But also, I'm pretty sure it's going to be a train wreck and I will be here to come help you out of the rubble. Or I can't be a part of this, man. I thought you were a different kind of guy. I've known you for a year. I thought you were a different kind of dude, man. And it's all good. I wish you the best. But the action steps here, your initial question, how can I make him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
The answer is, I don't even know what you're going to say after that. You can't. And is it right to feel jealous? Of course, man. You like hanging out with this dude. He's a cool guy. He lights up a room and he chose her. And I'll tell you, one of my oldest friends, this is a little bit different, but one of my oldest friends on the planet is named John, John King.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
He's been one of my closest friends for 30 years. And I remember after he had his first kid, his wife, Jennifer, is a close friend of mine too, like very, very close. She's amazing. I remember he had his first kid, Elise, and he just stopped coming out with us. We got together every Monday night, every single Monday night we were together and some weekends. He just quit coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I've told Jen this, I was like, man, his wife's the worst. As a kid, won't come out, won't come out, won't come out. And it wasn't until I had Hank, my son, several years later, that him and I were out just hanging out one night out at a place having a drink and eating nachos or whatever. And I said, dude, I always thought it was Jen that wasn't letting you out. You didn't want to come out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
You wanted to stay at home with your kid, not with us. And he smiled real big. And I said, why didn't you tell us? And he goes, man, you wouldn't have understood. And he was right. And so I think it's you wrapping your head around. And here's what I did. I actually, Jennifer's an amazing woman. She's awesome. She's one of my closest friends in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I made up some stories about her for a couple of years, thinking that she was the problem. She wasn't. She's amazing. She probably would have loved to get John out of the house. So for you, your body's telling you like, hey, man, at this moment in my life, I want to spend time with her. I don't hang out with you guys right now. I don't want to go to the bar. I want to go out to the game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I don't want to do any of that stuff. I want to be with her. And you have a choice now, which is to celebrate that and say, cool, man, I'm glad you found the good one. It's a bummer for us because we miss having you around, but I'm glad you have a good one. Or you can just be angry about it and poison the well. Do you get what I'm saying? Does it make sense? Yeah, I get what you're saying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
It's a bummer, dude. I hate it for you. And can I tell you this, though? I hope that one day... You walk into a room and you meet somebody and y'all text and y'all meet again and y'all have coffee and y'all have dinner. And I hope one day you meet somebody that you're like, bro, I'm not hanging out with these morons ever again. And I hope she loves you that much too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Like, I wish that for you also. And by the way, that feeling goes away and you can't wait to hang out with your buddies again at some point. But I want you to have that same, the world gets real small. I just hope she's a person of better character if this other woman is as low character as you say she is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Yeah. There's an old, um, there's an old saying in counseling that is conflict deferred is conflict amplified. So here's what's coming. Here's what's coming for you. You're going to keep getting along to get along, going along to get along. And one day she's going to get the wrong kind of bananas, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I would just promise you, you don't have that full story there. Like there's so much, I promise you there's more to that story than what she says or what it is. Like there's more to it than that. And, um, That's just a lot. If you know of kids getting abused, I mean, you better start ringing every alarm you got. Call everybody. Bang every door. Like, we're going to protect those kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
It sounds like you're just hurt, man. You're mad. And we're going to scan the environment for one thing that we can latch on to. And it's like, oh, she sucked as a mom. Let's latch on to that one. Man, I would let go of that. Until you have some pretty definitive proof. Because again, Forget her for a second. What does that say about your buddy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
If he knows, yeah, those kids are being abused, but she's going to come hang out with me, that says a lot about his character. And I don't want to hang out with men who would be with people like that, right? So even your argument goes downstream to your buddy there. But I think I can almost guarantee you there's more to that story and pieces and this and my own investigation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I would set that stuff down, and I would just spend some time being sad. I miss my buddy. And I'm going to go on and do the next right thing, man. And I will tell everybody who is friends with somebody, who loves somebody, who's dating somebody they don't like. Say your piece. Always say your piece. It's fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But I want to encourage everybody to be careful because the chance they get married is strong. And they're always going to know that you told me you hated this person. You told me that this person's a bad person. And that will make a relationship awkward forever. I much prefer the conversation like, man, I'm not seeing it with this one. Talk me through it. Tell me about her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Which is different than, can you believe that she's... That's a totally different conversation. Once you go that route, you are drawing a line. And man, you're free to draw lines, brother. But it sounds to me like you're just sad you miss your buddy. And I'm with you. We've all been there. We've all been there. But I would set it down. Be sad about missing your friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
If he's found the one for him for right now, I'd cheer him on. And I'd go on about it. I hate it for you, brother. Thanks for the call, though. We'll be right back. All right, we're back with something cool that happened slash am I the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Uh, and you are going to punch a hole through the cabinet and it's, it's going to have, cause it's going to have built up so much. So my question for you is this, um, what's another thing you're kind of, you just don't talk to her about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Boo to your brunch. Just kidding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Good for you. Hey, there's nothing harder than keep trying. Right. I would have been a gut punch to only have two come back. And you have to really, like, work hard to be like, it's not about me, it's about them. Maybe they didn't like each other. Maybe they got a bunch of stuff going. Like, who knows?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Correct. 100%. But sometimes one of the two that decides to keep going is the worst. All right, keep going. Okay, so what's the other side?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
here's the thing that I heard this parent do. It's so amazing. So they have a teenager and the teenager likes to say, that's what she said all the time. That's what she said. That's what she said, right? All those jokes, or that's not the first time I heard that today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
So this parent decided, um, actually both parents decided that whenever this kid, this teenager says, that's what she said, they explain in graphic detail, um, what that actually means, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
So if it's like, that's what she said, then there's a deep explanation, no pun intended, like an explanation on, oh, you mean, and it really graphed with the body parts and how the body parts all work together. And the teenager, I was like, they told me the teenager's like screaming right now. I was like, no, stop, right? So I think this is instructive in this situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
If somebody in your life is walking through the house singing a really horrific song, I think there's a great case for, oh, and a really, like, let's recite some of the lyrics and let's talk through them together in a no singing, a very clear way about how gross something is. And I don't know the lyrics of Do You Like Pina Coladas? But...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
The song's ruined. But maybe it would be a funny thing when your husband's reading that I'm singing this song to be like, oh, hey, real quick, hold on. Hey, I'm putting this ad out on Tinder about people I would like to cheat on. And will you go over it with me? Because it's awesome. And maybe if you put your ad on Tinder, but here's what I'm thinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Looking for a man who... And obviously be silly about it, but I don't know. I get swept away. Sometimes I'm singing...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
some songs and Sheila will turn down my wife will turn on the radio and be like are you for real right now and I'll be like oh that's a terrible song anyway I do that with pretty any much of the 90s hip-hop and rap I listen to that are so horrible about women and I'm singing them at the top of my lungs I remember I went I went to the Guns N' Roses reunion show song one
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Like they come out playing and I was like, yeah. And about one line in, I was like, I looked at my friends. I was like, I have a daughter. I'm not singing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I mean, all of them. No, you can't sing any of these songs. So I think there's a clever, fun way to do that. That's not like you can't like, right. That's just being human. But also if he has to sing the song, just turn it off. No. In case you're asking, you are not the problem. Anyone who quote-unquote says, I love that song, they're instantly the problem, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
It really is, how do you want to address it? Do you want to address it with humor and snarky, or do you just want to turn the radio off, or do you want to walk out of the room? You get to decide how you want to blow up that situation. I prefer... I don't know. I prefer a little bit snarky when it's not the end of the world. That's just me. Kelly, though... That's a whole other story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Love you guys. Stay in school. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Who do you listen to? Who do you love?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Because you're awesome. That's right. What's another thing you don't tell her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
What's another thing you don't tell her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
We really are. That was amazing. We're pretty open about everything except for entertainment, values, faith, and eternity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Okay, so here's my bigger thing is this. Secrets will kill you and will kill a marriage. Right. I really don't want any secrets with her. I really don't. I know. And so that's why I'm so grateful that you're calling. And religion is such a hard, it's such a third rail topic. And that's why I was pointing at other things. Because here's what's underneath your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
talking about your relationships, your marriages, who you're dating, your kids, all of it. For the last two plus decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be on the show, it's real people going through real challenges. Go to johndeloney.com. It's D-E-L-O-N-Y.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
or let me say this, I'm guessing, okay? I'm taking a wild guess. I remember having some theological conversations with a buddy one time and my theological stances on some things, I find myself all over the place. As my good friend Brent Bailey calls it, I feel like an odd man out sometimes. And I remember having a debate and going back and forth and it was getting kind of heated.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And then this guy is so awesome, man. He came back a couple of days later and he said, hey, I need you to know something. I think you're real smart, and I like debating this stuff. And just know my passion comes from I'm worried for your soul's eternity. And here's the thing. He wasn't playing. Right. And I gave him a hug. Here's why. If a piano was falling out of a window—
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I looked at him and said, I don't believe that. I don't think that piano is actually falling. I would hope he would love me enough to try his best to shove me out of the way with two hands to save my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And when he told me that he was coming from that position, it re-centered everything because it wasn't for him just about who's right and who's wrong and what's this interpretation and what's this theological. It wasn't about that. He was telling me, hey, dude, I love you now and I love you into the future.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And the way I see this is, man, you might be making some choices and have some thoughts on some things that may cost you your eternity. And I guess there's a way I could have made fun of him for that. I was really deeply touched by that. And so I tell you that story to tell you this. You and your wife, I think, are talking around the edges, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I would love for you to sit down and say, hey, I love you. And I've been keeping some things secret from you because I don't want to hurt your feelings. But I also think that by trying not to hurt your feelings, I'm actually dishonoring you. I'm just not being honest. And so you asked me about my relationship with Jesus. You asked me about this. You asked me about going to church.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
What are you really asking me? What are you scared about? What are you worried about? And let her talk from there. Because if she's going to bed every night, grasping her pillow tight, like just holding it so tight and saying, dear God, please don't let the man I love die and burn in hell forever because that's how she happens to see theology.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Man, that's a different conversation than she's just bugging you about going to church. I'm guessing that she's not just nagging you to try to control you. No, I don't feel she is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the little form and it will shoot a I don't know how it does in the internet. People figure out a way. It sends Kelly an email and Taylor an email and they'll work it through and hollaback girl at you. Or you can give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. And you can leave a message and we'll get back to you. Love to have you on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Okay. That conversation is way more important to me than, I can't believe you're saying bad words. And have you even, like those conversations, all right, whatever. The one about, hey, I see a truck coming right at you. and I'm trying to drag you out of the way of it. Right. That to me is her trying to love you as much as possible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
That will send you to hell, Mark. I'm not going to lie. I know. I know. That will make your brain turn to goo. With gas britches on. There you go. But I think getting to the deeper conversation and then you being honest. And when she sits down and says, I'm worried about your soul forever. And you having the courage to say, I love you right now in the here and now. That's not how I see it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
and i want to find a path forward for you because i want to love you with all i got right now while we're here and like and if you have to ask yourself like i'll go to church with you hon like i'm not gonna i don't want you to do this really important thing by yourself it's no skin off my nose i'm gonna go with you um i don't like that's cool it's important thing that you really love i'll do that with you i'll go to your bible study i'm not gonna get up every single day and do x y and z
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I think there's something to be said for putting it to bed because I want you to choose guilt over resentment because what's going to happen is you're going to say nothing, you're going to say nothing, you're going to say nothing, and then you're going to explode. And I don't think that's going to be fair for her. Or you're going to explode internally. It's going to kill you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And that won't have been fair to her either. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Yeah, yeah. And she's going to say, well, then why don't you just go get baptized so you can be with me forever? And you'll be like, all right. But you get to articulate that, but I think setting the conversation up And maybe it's as easy as saying, honey, we're going to go to dinner and we're going to talk about Jesus tonight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And she might light up like a Christmas tree and be like, not like that. Right? Yeah, she would love it. I know. But I want you to get beneath the... What do you think about this? And why haven't you done this? And I don't want you to say that. And then when it comes to the art stuff, when it comes to movies, it comes to music. I've learned in my house, my wife loves bluegrass.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
I like loud, wild music. And we have together found the Avett Brothers. We have together found Andrew Peterson. We have together found Frank Turner. We found some of these, which is funny. One of those is a very Christian artist. One of those is an atheist artist. And one of those is what I would call very, very spiritual guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
But they are maniacal, thoughtful, brilliant, and kind of bluegrassy, and kind of punk rock, and kind of all of it all together. So we have found some common ground. We've worked hard at it. And my wife is going to a play this weekend by herself. It just wasn't my jam. I'm taking my son to a rock and roll show he does not want to go to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And I'm making him like, you have to go to this thing with me. And so we do some things on our own like that. And we don't hold that against each other because it's not a matter of I don't love you. And I go to country music concerts with her sometimes because she's my friend and I like hanging out with my friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Let's go out to Mark in Greensboro, North Carolina. What's up, Mark? I'll get right to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And man, I'll tell you what, the few times she's gone to like punk rock mosh pit shows with me and she gets up against the wall, I've looked over. And dude, she is smiling ear to ear. Oh. Right? But not because of the music, not because she suddenly feels super safe with a bunch of maniacal morons crashing into each other, but she sees how much fun her great friend and husband is having. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And it's a matter of like, you get what I'm saying? There's a service orientation to this. And it's not all the time and it's not forever. And I don't ask her all the time and I don't ask her forever. It's this, no, that's good. I'm in on this one. I'm in on this one. And again, those are on the periphery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
When it comes to rest of your life stuff, when it comes to religion, when it comes to, I want you to believe what I believe because like, I want you to believe what I believe because of power or I want you to believe what I believe because I'm worried about like what happens to you for the next millennia. Those are two different conversations, man. And one of those is like, whatever, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And one of those is, thank you for loving me so much. That's not how I see it. And let's make peace where reality is, not in all these proxy wars about what we're dressed in and what we're doing. And then I want you to be as graceful as possible with what's really true. Can you go to church with her? Because if you can, that's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
You don't have to buy everything the preacher's saying, but if you, man, what a gift, right? And if you just, if it's a core violation, put that on the table. put that on the table and also put on the table, honey, I'm not at this for the foreseeable future. I'm not going to get baptized. I'm not going to, I'm not, I'm not interested in this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Um, so you bringing it up all the time isn't helping, but I would love to go to church with you. Can I just start there? Can we do that? And so, man, thanks for the call. Um, I, it's an honor to talk to you, man, because I know that you love your wife and I know that you also want to stay true to yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And most of us in our forties and fifties and sixties were taught that the way you honor somebody is to bury yourself. And I don't think that's true. I think the way we honor people, especially that we're married to, is we show up our full self, but we are careful and cognizant and honoring and respectful enough to show our full self in a way that can be seen and heard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
And she gets a right to grieve. She wants to see you in eternity. And you're telling her, I don't think I'm going to be there. I don't even think eternity is real. And I think she gets to grieve that. And then you'll get to make choices about what your marriage looks like every single morning. By the way, stop starting your morning on YouTube, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Unless you're watching this show, hit subscribe button. Please hit subscribe and like and all those things. Stop. Go outside. Go for a walk. Or just sit by your wife and read. Shooter, rot your brain. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go to Sioux Falls, South Dakota and talk to Anne. Hey, Anne, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife We Don’t Agree on Religion?
Oh man. Hmm. Tell me about it. Whatever you're comfortable talking about. Um, yeah, I don't want to, I don't want you to just talk. Tell me as much as you feel comfortable telling me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Kelly, do you remember when we used to have to have a long distance card to call anybody that wasn't in our area code?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But if it concerns them, they got to know. They got to know. And it's got to be age appropriate, right? So thank you so, so much for that call, Amy. Kind of like you mentioned at the beginning, not everybody's going to have this particular situation. In fact, few people will, although more and more and more are dealing with this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But every parent has conversations that they need to have with their kids. Every parent does. And I'm just telling you, I've sat down too many 18, 19, 20, 21 year olds, 25 year olds whose whole lives are in ash because mom and dad kept big, big, big secrets. Thank you for being the parents who want to tell the truth. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were just unheard of until a few decades ago. And I don't mean lame AI influencers or tons and tons and tons of mindless videos. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent light, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time. I literally use them every single day, and I love them. And here's why I think you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Like when I went to college my freshman year, I had a calling card memorized, just a number memorized, so I could punch in 16 digits to then call a friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent. We're right in the middle of it. Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And it's when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. Throughout the way, you'll hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent Challenge for kids called The Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has an enormous catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. And that means you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out Halo at halo.com slash Deloney. That's H-A-L-L-O-W.com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we got a husband and wife calling in. Let's go out first to Ellen in Milwaukee. Hey, Ellen, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I'm outstanding. All right, hang on the line here. I'm going to click over to Drew. We ready, Joe? All right. Hey, Drew, what's up, brother? Hey, how you doing? Excellent, my man. Excellent, excellent. All right, so what's going on? Whoever wants to go first, go first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
So you youngsters, listen, if the number had a different area code, you had to pay by the minute to talk to them, which meant they had to be a smoke show, right? Or in Kelly's case, they had to maybe be a potential makeout partner. Otherwise, that call is not happening. What does that mean? I was talking to myself and I just saw you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Drew, are you in trouble, Drew? No, not at all. All right. So what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
You're talking about, you're talking about Drew's dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay. Drew, tell me, tell me about your experience growing up, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
He beat the crap out of you? Yeah. Okay. So, Drew, can I tell you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
You keep going. Sorry, man. Keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Well, yeah, tequila works, man. Yeah. Okay, so before I move on, how old are you, Drew? I'm 37. You got kids of your own? We have five. Did this stop with you? Yeah. Tell me what kind of dad you are, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
No, don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. What kind of dad are you? Hardworking dad. Do you have your kids crawling in and out of dumpsters? No. Do you beat up your kids? Never. Do you take out your anger and rage on Ellen? No. So this stopped with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Hold on, hold on. Exhale on that for a second, man. I don't think you are grasping what a humongous deal that is. Because a father's sins, and I'm not talking about like in the Jesus drank a beer, said a bad word kind of way. The pain and anguish and rage that a father commits to his sons is carried generationally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
After nine because it was free. But every text message, you pay text by the minute. Like you'd be like, I'm out of text for the month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Ah. I'm going to sit with your 21-year-old one day and they're going to say if they lied about this, then they probably lied about everything else. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well. It's been a rough week, if I'm being honest with you. There's lots going on in personal life, friends and family. And just know...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Because sons find themselves frustrated with their sons, scared to death about economic situations or in your dad's situation, thrown into a completely new culture on the other side of the world, terrified about people are going to eat. And the most common path is that those guys have sons and daughters, but I'm just talking about sons here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And they go on and you get stuck in a system and you get frustrated with your wife. You get frustrated with your young kids. You get frustrated with your boss. And in some modernized version, you just recreate the cycle and you have stopped it. That's a huge deal. And so if you haven't,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
If you haven't stopped and with Ellen by your side, stood in front of a mirror in your bathroom, put your fist in your bare chest with no shirt on, and just said, hell yeah, I stopped it. This crap stopped with me. I want you to do that tonight. Fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay. What you've done is huge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I know. any good man I know stands on the shoulders of an amazing wife. I mean, that's just my life. That's my life too. Okay. But I want to call it out for you. All right. So I'm back to Ellen for a second. Ellen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Tell me about your childhood, your mom and dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Um, No, man, my father-in-law is awesome, man. It's like, it's like the Romanos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Jeez, man. Now you can just chat GPT architectural drawings or something. I don't know what's happening in the world, but oh my gosh. I'm so glad y'all are with us. Let's go out to Orlando, Florida and talk to AMY. What's up, Amy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Is your dad like a civil rights attorney or something?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
There you go. Okay, that's all I needed to know. That's all I needed to know. Right. That's all I needed to know. Nailed it, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
So, so let me say this. So my, my, my dad was a homicide detective, so he wasn't a defense attorney, but I grew up with very much a sense of what you see in the headlines is there's a person behind that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And we're going to dedicate our lives to keeping people safe. And we're going to dedicate our lives to telling the truth. And I remember as a young kid, I didn't have the words like you mentioned, like what am I actually going to do? But I remember when somebody got hurt, I would feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Like your stomach gets all warm or your legs get real heavy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And you feel it. And I think that's a testament to how you were raised. And on the other side of it is, that's a testament to how your nervous system works, how you're wired. But you have a deep and profound sense of justice, and you love this man, and you've seen the extraordinary challenges and changes he's made.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And both of you have a sense, I'm guessing, after having your own five kids, it's unconscionable. Right? You look at your own kids, you're like, how is this possible? Like I knew intellectually, like you shouldn't leave your kids. I couldn't wrap my head around deciding to not be around my daughter or my son. Like I couldn't even conceptualize that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
My heart doesn't beat right when I'm gone, right? All that to say is, I want you to hear and see. I'm gonna say this with all due respect. Your husband needs to love him And walk alongside him and not go out and go to war for him. And you punishing an old immigrant, exhausted man will not make his childhood okay. It will continue to cause tension and chaos in your existing lives.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And y'all have plenty of that. You got five kids. You don't need it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Well, at some point, you have to decide to stop reading the headlines.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Because it's not helping. You know what I'm saying? Like, what else are you going to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Are you going to hit him? Like, where does it end for you? Yeah, I guess it doesn't. You have these imaginary conversations. Like, if it just was me and him, I would let him... And I'm going to tell you right now, it won't go like you think it would go. It won't feel like you think it's going to feel. And it will solve no things. The greatest middle finger. That's already happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And then you're at the end of your rope. You don't have another play in the playbook. The greatest middle finger to that type of childhood is raising your kids in a safe, tethered, peaceful household.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And that doesn't feel like justice, but it's transformative.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Drew, what's it like seeing your wife get fired up and just want to go to war against an opponent she can't defeat?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And so... And is there anything more heartbreaking? And is there any more deep feeling of powerlessness when your adult parents... When you have the ability financially, psychologically, emotionally to help them and they look at you and say, I don't want your help. Like it makes you feel small and powerless, right? Absolutely. Yeah, it's the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And Ellen, you know Drew won the lottery when he married you, right? Say it one more time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
So here's what I want you guys to commit to. We all go out this weekend for a breakfast together, and I want y'all to answer this one question. I ask it all the time, but I want y'all to be serious. What do you want the house to feel like when Drew walks in every day? And what do you want the house to feel like, Ellen, when you walk in every day?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Who's having the biggest trouble with this conversation? You or your... Are you married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Five crazy kids all over the place, Drew's running around, like, what do you want the house to feel like? Because here's step number one, after y'all answer that question, and when me and my wife asked it, I think I've talked about on the show, like when we talked, I wanted it to be warm, I wanted people to be laughing in the house, I wanted people to be happy I was home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And to get whatever feelings y'all want in your home, y'all are gonna have to consciously say, we're going to stop inviting the ghosts of my dad in this home. And every time we pick up a text message, every time we engage in a fight over the holidays, we are inviting the ghosts of my father into this home. And he's not welcome here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And so do they know their dad, the guy who's raised them, do they know him for their whole life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Or in another way, I can say it is, I'm going to stop giving him power over me and my family because Ellen, you're inviting him back in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And there will... Go ahead. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay, Ellen, leave. They live around the block. Leave. Go to a different church. You're a grown-up adult. You have five kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Your peace isn't worth all these other games y'all are playing. and there's going to be some grief because y'all may want to go to that church. But bigger than that, you want peace in your home. You want laughter in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
You want Drew to come home exhausted, about to get mauled by five bananas, bonkers kids, and you still kind of think he's a smoke show when he wears the right shirt, and y'all wanted these five kids to go to bed so that y'all can, like, I'm not going to then go have drama on my one day off, which is Sunday.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I'm not going to go into a house of worship in a place where I know I can't worship because the ghosts of my father are still there. Because my feelings of ineptitude, because my mom won't let me help her. I'm going to opt out because I'm the adult and I get to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And I'm sure there's other places, you know, weekly meals. Well, we're going to stop going to the weekly meals. Or just Drew's going to go. And Drew, at some point, it will be your conversation, not Ellen's, when your mom says, where are you? And your brother calls you out and tries to, because he still feels, your brother still feels chained to this whole thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And I'm making this up, but I'm just guessing. At some point, somebody will call you out. And that's when you consciously exhale and drop your shoulders and say, yeah, as for me and my house, we're choosing peace. So I just needed to opt out. Oh, you're turning your back on your family? No, no, no, no. If my family wants to bring peace to my house. I think we're already doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Excellent. Okay. So who's having the biggest problem with it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay, well, good. then what you guys have to do is grieve it. Because it's not supposed to be this way. You're supposed to have one awesome set of grandparents on one side of the house and one awesome on the other. And y'all don't. And I'm sorry. It breaks my heart for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And it breaks my heart for those five kids, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Yeah. And Grandpa's struggling right now. Grandpa's not doing great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Then we're on to the next. I would love to, too, son. It just doesn't work out this time. But Ellen, I'm guessing some of your justice comes, I mean, some of your rage comes from your sense of justice that you were given as a kid, and I'm so grateful you got that. And I'm guessing some of your rage comes from, like, it's you and Drew versus the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I mean, y'all are Packers fans, for God's sakes. Most of your life sucks, right? But it's y'all two versus the world, right? And it hurts when somebody's got their hooks in your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And it hurts him when he sees his wife just banging her head against the wall against something he knows since he was two years old he ain't going to change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And so there's this exhale where we get to decide we're going to grieve the picture that we wanted which is two sets of rad grandparents we're not going to get that. And we're going to exhale and say okay as for me and my house how can we get laughter and peace and joy and warmth back in this place. And for y'all it's going to be deciding we're not inviting these people back in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And collectively, I hate that for y'all. I hate it. And this is a message that, I mean, I don't know how many 80-year-old dads, 75-year-old dads listen to this show. Probably zero. 72-year-old moms listen to this show. Probably very, very few. It is never too late to call your sons and say, I'm sorry. It's never too late to call your sons and say, I screwed up real bad. Do you forgive me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I want to do better. It's never too late to say, hey, I made up stories about you too, son. You too, daughter. And I was wrong. I'm sorry. It's never too late, moms, to say, you hit me for the last time. I'm out. At 72 years old, enough is enough is enough. I'm out. It's just never too late. Thanks for the call, Ellen and Drew. Thanks for the call. You're lucky you found each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Tonight, y'all go look in the mirror together. Drew, put your fist in your chest and say, it stopped with me. And Ellen, give him a big hug because that's a Herculean masculine task. You married a man and that's amazing. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen, 90% off your first week, now through March 31st. Listen, you've heard me say this a thousand times, you're worth being well, and I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost, 90% off your first week. Let's be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Right when I got off the call, I remembered I'm recording this show right before we have our Valentine's weekend, money and marriage. And I have, so I offered Ellen and Drew seats at that. And hopefully they'll be able to see, to come, come join us. And if they do, we'll do a follow-up episode with them. It'd be fun to catch in with, check in on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But let's go out to Bozeman, Montana and talk to Diana. What's up, Diana?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Excellent. Excellent. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I'm the long-winded one around here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
You're awesome. Got to tell you, thank you for the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Um, if I go prodding, will you promise you'll be as honest as possible?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay. Have you ever sat down and told him that you hate his job and you miss him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Hold on. Have you ever told him that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Busyness is a great American male drug.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Yeah. Uh, what was the trauma? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Um, which is so noble and I'm glad y'all, I'm glad that's your disposition. Do you have, um, y'all have biological kids by any chance?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay. And my guess is he needs somebody who really loves him to sit down and say, you're safe now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And the most empathetic thing is rarely silence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And if it's safe, and no one's going to tell you this in a how to be married blog, but If there's abuse, then that's a totally different conversation. But if you're safe, then what many men need in this situation is their wife to wade through that electricity and hug them anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Because my guess is he's running and gunning and he's high as a kite on busy and he doesn't know how to stop. It's just cocaine. He can't get off. And every time he starts to dip and the only way to keep going is to take more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Right. But just because it's hard doesn't mean it's wrong. He's going to have to get off this train one way or the other, and I'm afraid it's going to end poorly. He's going to say or do something out of just sheer fatigue and exhaustion and anger, unprocessed anger. Because by the way, that should not have been his call to make. That should have been his dad, and his dad sucks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And it should have been all the brothers rallying around, and he's probably been taken on that role since he was a really little kid. And he probably had some conversations he wanted to have with mom, and he can't have them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And the worst possible thing he can do is go through 18 months of not talking to anybody, saying anything. And that's a tools issue. He doesn't have the tools in his toolkit. He didn't have a picture of what an adult male looks like when they're struggling. But he does have a wife who loves him to the moon and back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Yeah. And so I think the easy thing... And by the way, I'm a humongous, loud, obnoxious guy. So I've seen my wife almost flinch when she wades in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay. Um, This is going to sound strange, but I think that might help facilitate the conversation. Your kids have a picture in their head of different kinds of families.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
When I'm not doing well. And not flinch from she's going to get hit, but she can feel a nuclear reactor in my chest. She can feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And it's just like the last call. I just, I just, the, the couple I just talked to, um, and by the way, if he ever wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. Um, but it's you guys asking the most terrifying question I think anybody can ask. And that is, okay, it's been 18 months since the worst of the worst And now we're starting to wear the bomb blast inside our own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Here's the most terrifying question you and him can ask together. What are we going to do now? Because we can't keep doing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I can't have you disappearing for weeks at a time and coming in like a tornado. I can't be in my own house and have a panic attack when the most important person in my life says he's coming home. And so we have to decide to do something different together so that when you text me from the plane, everything in my day gets better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But it's going to be someone who loves him. It's an intervention. If you ever watch that show, it's an intervention.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But it has to start with I words. I miss you. And I can't do this anymore. I'm not leaving you. I need you to know that you not being well affects all of us in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
How can I love you? And I'm going to see a counselor because I don't know how to love you through your pain, through all this whole stuff. I'm fine. I'm doing okay. You're not. I've known you too long. You're not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And it's not, you have to quit your job. It's not any of that kind of stuff. I'm busy. I think I've talked about it here on the show. I'm busier now than I was when me and my wife finally sat down, when she finally waded through and said, enough is enough is enough is enough. You're not okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And I know you feel like you're harnessing the electricity, but you're not. We're all getting burned.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Yeah. Yeah. And then you end up feeling used, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And for a while, sex will calm it down. For a while, I'll do a nice thing like with dinner. For a while, it's I'll keep the house a certain way. For a while, it's... But then you start longing for, why don't you just go on your trip? So me and my son can get back to our life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And different ways people take on the name dad or take on the name mom. And different people coming in and out of their life with different levels of influence, right? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
overlap but otherwise they're separate and that's what we're going to call right now we're going to call it we're going to turn the lights on turn the music off and say I'm not I'm not living two lives anymore we're living together I'm your wife and I miss my husband okay and so we get to decide how does this house feel when you walk in and I want it to feel warm and full of laughter so here's what must be true when you come in here's what this has got to look like for me and by the way when you come in how do you want that to look like
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
When you're gone, how do you want us to talk, to text, to laugh, to have joy? What do you want that to look like? Because this separate life thing is killing me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And I think underneath it, I mean, am I right? I think you just miss your husband, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Miss your ride or die, yeah. And does he know that part?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I think that's a great sentence to tell him. I see you and I know you can't get off. Um, But here's the truth. When you land next time, I'm going to ask you to go spend the night in a hotel because I don't want you coming straight from the airport because I can't handle it in the house. It's too hot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Or I'll go with you. Nobody would make fun of you if you had a leak in the roof and you had to go ask somebody how to repair the shingles. You don't have the tools right now to get off the busyness roller coaster and to be present with your family and actually decide, do we want to live here? Do we want to move? Do we want to go do something else? And so we're going to get the help that we need.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
So how old are they again? Say that again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
1,000 million billion percent, yes. That'd be the greatest gift you can give him. And I would probably phrase it like this. I've made an appointment with a trusted counselor that a couple of friends of ours pointed out. I'm going next Tuesday. A way you could really show me that you love me is if you came with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And when you get to the therapist, it's not going to be about he's doing this and he's doing this. It is, I'm out of ways to show my husband that I love him, that he's safe at home. I want to learn some new skills. And when he hears it with a neutral third party, not in his environment at his house where it's all like where he's got an energy that he's walking into his own house with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
When you're sitting in a therapist's office and your wife says, I'm trying so hard to love him and I'm out of tools. I don't know how. Can you help me, therapist? Often that has a just, it's like peeling a cataract off a situation. Because no husband that I know wants their wife to feel like they're out of options on how to love them. And that would be a great invitation for him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But yes, I'd make the appointment. I would tell him you're going. And if he doesn't show up, I would go anyway. But invite him and tell him those words. The number one way you could show me you love me right now is to go with me. Because I love you so, so, so much. And I miss you. And I don't have a connection point back. Thank you for the call, Diana. He's lucky to have you in his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And he's lucky to love you through his grief, that you're loving him through his grief. You're loving him through his addiction to busyness. You're loving him through his, he's terrified on what to do next. He doesn't have a dad in his life that he can call and say, hey, old man, can you help me with this next move? He's lucky to have you. Just remember, empathy rarely equals silence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
This is super unhelpful, so I'm saying this to the people listening. I probably would have had that conversation, began it earlier, but we're here. And so I think as soon as y'all are ready, I think the distinction line, the sentiment I want you all to land on is anybody can father a child. Their dad stepped up and decided he chose them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Empathy is not passive. Empathy is active. Thanks for loving him well, Diana. We'll be right back. Got to tell you about Cozy Earth, the makers of incredible sheets, bedding, and bath linens. It is almost time. It's almost time. Spring is almost here, and Cozy Earth has a spring into comfort sale going on right now. It's a great time to buy their bamboo sheet sets and their bath sheets.
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How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I love, love their sheets, and their towels are giant and soft, and they don't get all thin and crusty after going through the laundry. They're the best. Cozy Earth sheet sets are soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. And like I said, you'll feel the quality of their bath sheets right away. They're so huge, don't even call them towels.
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How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
They call them bath sheets, and they're actually more like a bath comforter. Listen, it doesn't matter what they're called. They're just amazing. I also got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under, and it is bye-bye for my anxiety.
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How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Cozy Earth is my go-to and your go-to for building a sanctuary in your home so you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next. Right now, Cozy Earth's Spring Into Comfort Sale is happening with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off everything. That's 40% off. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's C-O-Z-Y.
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How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, something awesome happened. What is it, Kelly?
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How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Dude, I'm not even going to comment on that. That's awesome. I think that guy speaks for himself. Well done, dude. You're doing the work. You and your wife are doing the work, and that's awesome. And for whatever it's worth, your grandkids are going to have a different life because you chose to turn around and stare down the dragons. It's awesome. It's hard every single day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I'm proud of you, brother. And everybody else out there who are making changes, tiny ones, minute by minute, hour by hour, year by year. Awesome. Awesome, awesome, awesome. And shout out to you, team, gang, the guys who actually do this show. Thank you all. I think we're doing a good thing out in the world. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And that's the double down, triple down, quadruple down I always want to go back to. I chose y'all. And if they ask questions, you can talk about how, I mean, you can get with a 13 year old and an 11 year old, you can get pretty graphic, right? Have y'all talked about sex? Do they know about that? It's not weird or anything, is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay. I would recommend strongly that that not be a talk, that that just be discourse in your house and your 11 year old is probably a hundred miles down the road from where y'all think he is. from what he knows is that he or she, I just assumed that he, um, that, yeah, he, he probably has a, an idea that from the bus or from his older brother on how stuff works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And so, um, I, here's how I would have the conversation. I would say, I have to talk to you about some big news and, um, that we have a special family and y'all know that because dad, um, dad had kids, um, You know, they're stepbrothers and sisters with this other person. I had a kid with this other person. And when we got together, we decided to make a family in another way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And here's how this works. And you can talk about, you know, you all know how sex works. The penis goes in the vagina and the sperm meets the egg and we make a kid. Some awesome medical researchers have figured out how to do that outside. And so why didn't their dad... Why didn't he participate? Did he have a vasectomy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Okay. I'm going to be honest. I would have that conversation with an 11 and 13 year old. I don't think that's too much. It might be too much if sex in your house is something that you'll never, ever, ever talk about. That would be too much at one time probably.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
This show is about real people going through real stuff. And I'm not immune to it either. And so just know that I'm in it with you. And I'm a dad trying to do the next right thing. I'm a husband trying to figure out how to do that well. And I'm a son and a brother and a sister and a grandkid. And I'm just trying to do that stuff right. And it's hard, man. It's messy out there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But if there is a discourse of we're an open family, we're funny, we laugh, we joke, we poke fun, this and that, and then here we go, here's this. That's a different, you'll have a different context already. So if you don't have that, you're gonna have to build some context.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And what I would tell, what I would tell you is the idea that you're a conservative Christian is, amplifies the need that they get open and direct and they understand their bodies are awesome and that sex is amazing. Like, does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Because if you're not a conservative Christian, if you don't subscribe to that value system, you're getting from the outside world how amazing sex is and oh my gosh, check this out, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Because what I've done for the last 20 years is deal in the aftermath of kids who get to college, kids who graduate college, kids who try to start their lives and nobody ever had any conversation with them and they find themselves in nightmare scenarios.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And so I would say if you subscribe to, if your value system is anchored in conservative Christian-ness, your house needs to be the most sex positive place on planet earth. Where they hear about it, they talk about it, they know mom and dad are doing it, they know mom and dad love it. And also it's bounded by a context, right? There's a time and a place. And so that's neither here nor there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
That's a whole other conversation. But I would sit down and have that conversation. And they are going to take their cues from you. If you are awkward and you're scared and nervous, they will understand that what they're being told beneath the words of what they're being told is somehow something they should be ashamed, nervous, frustrated, scared about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
If you all fully sit down and own this as two adults who made an adult decision because you wanted so badly them to in their life, in your life, they will have their world shifted, right? They're not going to understand biology versus whatever. So I have another dad. No, no, no, no. I will always be your dad. Always. But yes, an anonymous person contributed the sperm part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
So biology wise, you have an anonymous father and that's a choice we made. But this is your dad, has been your dad, will always be your dad. And he chose y'all. You got to keep doubling, tripling, quadrupling down that line. He chose you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
No, I don't have any data in front of me. The only data, I would call it anecdata, which is just my lived experience, is sitting with 19 and 20-year-olds who just find out. Right. And what it does... I just don't want to mess them up. Well, what's going to mess them up is feeling like there's something wrong or secretive about their existence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And I think that's the origin of the show is always dreaming that I had someone I could sit with. And sometimes I did. Sometimes I didn't. And that's my commitment to you guys. I'll be here. I know a lot of you are struggling with stuff and there's nobody to call. And that's what this show is about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And y'all, you and your husband are going to have to make peace with the fact that, A, for medical purposes, they're probably going to want to know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Because they're going to have to fill out questionnaires. Do you have any cancer in your background, in your family history? Do you have any liver issues in your family history? And they're going to want to know. Right. And they need to know that stuff. And with the, if they can't already, they will be able to contact their original father at some point. I mean, their bio father.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
This technology surpassed us all. So you can read those stories that pop up where somebody's got a thousand bio kids across the world, right? That's the world you've inhabited. And so my fear for you is you're going to try to manage the info in a way that you withhold things. Please don't do that because here's what happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I'm going to sit with your 21-year-old one day and they're going to say, if they lied about this, then they probably lied about everything else. And so I'd rather them deal with uncomfortable information from an anchored in, honest, direct, loving, caring parent, a regulated adult, not somebody who did something and they're nervous about it or scared about it or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Um, but yeah, here's what we did. We went and got a sperm donor because we wanted you guys and dad had had a surgery. They're 11 and 13, right? We're going to go, we're going to talk their language so they feel safe. And, and it's like, it was, but we tried and didn't work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
So there's this amazing new technology that allows somebody who, who has dedicated their life to helping couples have kids that aren't able to have kids. And we don't even know who the name is. but it's not something y'all are going to shy and be like, and we were so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
We're not going to do any of that kind of stuff because I don't want them walking away from this with their entire world upside down and them thinking somehow their existence is bathed in shame. Y'all made a choice is what it is, what it is. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
Your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your friends going through hard stuff, family stuff, whatever you got going on. That's my promise. Give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. If you're a thousand years old, that calls toll free. If you don't know what the words toll free mean. That means you're probably born in the century. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And if you, um, uh, I recognize my family's different. I'm just thinking of a conversation we had last night about the planets. And you can imagine I was making jokes about Uranus and just like, again, my family's different. I understand that. It's probably too far the other way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
But if there's parts of the conversation that you, your husband says, hey, I need to talk to the boys for a second and we're going to invite you back in. And he talks about that. in a way, in their language. Do you get what I'm saying? And I do believe in calling body parts the right words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And I do believe in never, ever, ever, ever, ever shaming a kid for body parts and making sure everybody knows that we all got the parts and it's all good. But there's also a part about, in the nerd world, we call it rapport building. I'll often speak a language, right? So if I'm meeting with somebody and they're swearing a lot, I'm going to meet them where they're at.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
I'm not going to violate my own values, of course, but I want to meet them where they're at. And this is a way to talk to an 11 and 13-year-old that lets them know, oh, our dad gets us. Right? And it may be in your house. Mom doesn't need to be a part of that part of the conversation. But they do need to be, y'all do need to be united. We decided we wanted you two in our lives so bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And there's a guy out there who dedicated his life to helping couples find or have amazing kids like you two. And it's just going to be presented as fact. And if you ever have any question, anytime, always. And then it's really important to put on a calendar about two weeks later. One of y'all take one kid out and the other take the other kid out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
And y'all go out and just talk about, hey, like, that was a big conversation we had the other day. What do you think? What have you been thinking about? Would you think you ever one day want to meet that person? We don't know who he is, but do you ever want to meet him? You let me know. I would love to help that. Does it feel weird? And you might get one kid that is devastated.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
You might get one kid that's like, my whole life's upside down. And you might get another kid that's like, yeah, okay. In their world, there's all kinds of families. There's like y'all's family, which is a blended family. There's families of divorce. There's gay and lesbian families.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
There are, there's just families that look all kinds of different worlds in their world and their schools and their friends. And this is just a unique family. And once again, I keep saying this over and over, we chose you. I think that's where you go to every parent out there. Right beneath my disdain for people who don't have wills.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
is people who are not honest with their children about big life stuff. Like this situation, we had a sperm donor, or we had this situation, or you had an infant brother who died two days after he was born, and we've been sad for a long time about it, and here was their name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Kids He’s Not Their Father?
You have to have those conversations with their kids because they will come out, and it unspools every bit of your relationship because every kid who's now a young adult asks the question, if they lied about that, what else are they lying about? Now, they don't need to know details about your sexual escapades of your past. They don't need to know details about blah, blah, blah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all of the time, all day, every day, It can be tough to even know, what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all of those flag colors. Listen, how can you learn what you actually value?
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I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Therapy can help you figure out what your values are. It can help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships. And therapy can help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule.
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I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
The fact that you even have to ask that question in 2025 makes my stomach churn. Yeah. Forget the conservative. I know some very, very conservative. In fact, one of my closest friends in the world is way more conservative than me. What does politics have to do with this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapist at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month.
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I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world would get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting.
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I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Lent is about getting rid of all of those things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of ultimately living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds kind of nuts and you want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge.
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I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at hallow.com.
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I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And this means your free trial will last all the way through Lent. And when you join Hallow, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at hallow.com to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge starts. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, Let's go out to the 512. Let's go out to Austin, Texas and talk to Andrew. What's up, Andrew?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
How we doing, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
You got it, my man. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Well, tell me more about that. Or let me ask you this. Why does that concern you? Or where does that concern come from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Okay. So for a second, I don't care what they think. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
What do you think? I think it's perfectly fine. Okay. Just pause right there. Just sit with that. My next question would be, do you want guy friends? Have you always craved guy friends? What makes female friendship safer than male friendship?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I even know super traditional. Like, I don't even know if that's the right word. Because I know some, like, some crunchy, like, make their own granola. Like, I don't know. I'm just thinking of my friends in interracial marriage. Like, I...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So you have shared interest with them. If you're being fully honest, some of these women that are your friends, if y'all were shopping together or doing whatever y'all do together, and one of them turned and grabbed you by the face and kissed you and said, I've wanted to do that for a long time, would that be amazing? Or would you feel like that's a gross violation of your friendship?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yeah, but I mean, that's to be understood too, right? Like, I... I don't know if my, if my girlfriend in college was always leaving me to go hang out with another heterosexual guy, I would always assume that that guy's like got some spark for her. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Whether it's, it doesn't have to be sexual or romantic, but even if it's intellectual and spiritual and like, I would be jealous, especially as a young kid, as a college kid, like I want to have, I want, I want to be her everything. Right. So that's, that's to be understood. I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And so I wouldn't hate on the guy for being like, hey, why do you keep leaving me to go hang out with this other dude? That's a fair question, I think. I think the bigger thing is – but the way you've described your life, it seems to be that you're always looking at your life through other people's eyes to see how it reflects.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
It sounds like when some dude's like, no, I just met her and I just knew. It's like, nah, no you didn't. You just did a bunch of things towards it. When you say clicked, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Y'all like the same music? Y'all respond to each other's texts in a timely fashion?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I guess the fact that you're calling and asking this or you have apprehension about asking it is that you know your parents think two people in a romantic relationship from different ethnic or cultural backgrounds is somehow wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Tell me about your romantic interests. Are you dating anybody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Like the gay friend. But yeah, I mean, I mean, you gotta be pretty simple minded just to dump into that. Right. Um, so in, in that, in just assume everything's a stereotype, but like, Are you interested in dating? Is that just not a priority for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So let me say it like this. Let me say it like this. Let me interrupt you a little quick. I think the question you have to ask yourself is twofold. Number one, are the people telling you you're weird for having the vast majority or all of your close personal friendships being women? Do you care what they think? That's number one. And I can't answer that for you. You have to ask that question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Number two, are you desiring male friendships and you're frustrated or kind of grieving the fact that you're only seemingly able to click, to use your words, with women? Because if you're like, man, I don't care, boy or girl, man or woman, I don't care. I just want to hang out and have a great time with people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
What does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And I want to be there to support my friends when they have needs and to celebrate them when they win and vice versa. And I don't care if they're male or female. Then it doesn't matter what other people think. Who cares? If you're asking a deeper question, which is, why don't I ever get this quote unquote click?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
with men because i want some dude friends i want some guys to share romantic like like how's your life and what's it gonna be like if i ever become a dad and what's it like on the job market like if that's the challenge you're struggling with then the the the simple yet really challenging answer is the word click probably means comfortable and or easy
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And I think the assumption is if something doesn't quote-unquote click, if it doesn't come really naturally and really quickly, then somehow it's not right. And so if you desire friendships with dudes, then you've got a sample set of data that tells you, Guys don't just respond to some strange dude being like, dude, give me your number. That happens to me on a plane every once in a while.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Like somebody, some influencer will run into me on a plane and be like, dude, give me your number. And then I'll get a text message, a random text message like, hey, dude, come to my house. We're working out this morning. I've never gone. Not one time. Zero times. But if somebody reaches out and I meet somebody on a plane, they're like, hey, dude, I'm writing a book. I'd love for you to read it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
The fact that you even have to ask that question in 2025 makes my stomach turn. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you're with us. We're talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Everybody I know is going through something. Sometimes it's really good stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Or, hey, I'd love to check in with you and grab coffee because I want to talk about something. Well, that's something I like to do. I like to get to know somebody before I just show up to your house and start lifting weights with you, right? And so just because I don't connect on that initial thing, I just got a data point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Dude, I'm not just going to go to your house and randomly sit in your sauna if I don't know you. That's not going to be how I want to meet people, right? And so I think you have a data set that says, all right, I'm asking for Snapchat. I'm asking for Instagram. They give it to me. They never respond to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
If you want to pursue hanging out with dudes, man, then you have to do something different, something that feels not like it clicks. Do the next hard thing, right? But if you don't care, then, man, I think you're reaching that age. How old are you? Did you say you were 27, 28? I'm 27. Yeah. You're reaching that age when – more so than when you're younger, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
It's easier to just move from group to group to group when you're younger. When you get older, you realize, oh, there's limited people in our sphere, people we work with or people we were in school with. And suddenly people's values and their lifestyle behavior choices begin to change and they have kids and they don't have time to go out or they have boyfriends or girlfriends that –
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
take up more of their time, and it should, right? It's a romantic interest. We're building a life together. So you're in a season when life, those relationships just change naturally, when those really great college relationships begin to thin out a little bit, and you realize, oh, we were really good friends for a season, and you grieve it, and it's a bum deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And so you're going to have some of those friends that just naturally their boyfriends don't like them hanging out with other dude. Or maybe they don't want to hang out as much anymore, but they use their boyfriend as an excuse. All those things are playing to this here. You're just at a natural inflection point at 27. So I think you need to ask yourself, what am I comfortable with, dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I'm the one that has to look me in the eye every morning in the mirror. I don't care what other people say. These are my friends. These are my friends. These are my friends. And then go from there. How does that sit with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Who cares? They don't get a vote, dude. They don't get a vote.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Well, that's just stupid. God, so stupid. Here's the thing. I guess my – I have two kind of paths for just what I would call – I'm trying to think of a nice way to say this. I have two paths forward in my personal life on how I deal with abject ignorance. Path one is I don't engage. Like when people... I posted something yesterday. It's the start of the new year when we're recording this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Let her have it. Let her have that confusion. Like, her confusion is natural, and I'm glad that she felt comfortable enough to look confused in front of you. And, yes, it is not inside the bell curve. It's not normal. I would say normal. That's a bad way to say it. It's not common for 26-, 25-, 27-year-old dudes to take trips with plutonic girlfriends across the country.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
To go visit other plutonic girlfriends. I don't hear about that happening very often is what I would say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Especially with not some ulterior romantic interest. Right? And so if your aunt who's 50, 60, 70 goes, what? Let her have it. You know what I mean? It's you that gets to decide whether that judgment or that curiosity she has or that confusion is somehow an indictment or it's just straight up confusion. Huh, never seen that before. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Like it's like when my grandmother asked me about like why I had so many earrings. Well, when I was 18, I don't know. I was just punching holes in my head to try to be cool. Like, but I could just look at my grandmother and be like, she's never seen this. She doesn't know. Or I could be like, she doesn't look like dude. And so I chose to give her the benefit of the doubt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And my dad said, you should take those off before you go see her again. And I did. Right. So it's like I get to hold on to that contempt or to that question. Or, yeah, that's a natural question somebody's got to ask. That's fine. That's fair. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Never been a grinder. I'm not good. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Okay, then go get that. Go get that. And by the way, that's as stereotypical of guys just get together and talk about trucks and talk about beer. You know what I mean? Like me and Ben went and got tacos one time and we went to a concert together. Like it's you painting a picture of what you think the other side's going to be. It is perfectly reasonable. A thousand percent reasonable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
For you to go to a club where you are grinding up on your friends who happen to be attractive females or unattractive females, I don't care, and you slow dancing with them and you choosing to make that interaction public by posting it on the World Wide Web, it's perfectly acceptable, reasonable for your parents to go, dude, tell me about these girls that you're dating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Because that looks like a date. And then you can choose, how dare you ask if I'm dating? They're my friends. Or you can go, yeah, it looks like they're just my friends. We're just being silly. But that's 100% reasonable for somebody to assume that. If you're going with the same people, dancing, grinding up on people, there's some sort of romantic thing going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
That's not a weird, I don't see that as weird at all. And if you want some guys to learn like, okay, what does masculinity feel like? What's going on in the minds of a group of guys? Then you're going to have to choose to get past this click idea and quote unquote, go be uncomfortable. If you want to talk about trucks, find some people to talk about trucks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
You know, if you want to talk about, like, if I had a Jeep question, I would call my friend John Falcons or I would call my friend Cassidy McGugan, who's got this big, dope Jeep, right? Like, and she's a woman and John is a man. Like, it doesn't, I guess I feel like you're drawing as artificial boundaries as you're frustrated that other people are drawing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
It won't come out, I think, until late January, maybe even February. But... I just remind people at the beginning of the year, like, you have to get a will. You got to get a will, right? And 70-something percent of Americans don't have a will, which with kids is madness, right? And the number of people who send me a direct message that are like, you're crazy. You're an idiot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So if you want to go make friends with dudes, you've learned some things that don't work. Just asking for a dude's Snapchat, they're not going to write you back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
going up to a guy and saying hey come over to my house tomorrow we're doing some things or I want to go play music or I got an extra ticket to a concert or whatever that could work that could be the thing but I think it's you stopping like people are going to ask questions let them ask questions going about your life I'm not going to carry that burden with me and if people ask accusational questions like they accuse me they're angry they're mean to me that's their deal dude I'm not going to carry your weirdness there I think I think this culture of outrage like how dare you ask a question like ask a question to man
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Like, it's my life. I'm not afraid to answer the questions. And if I get mad at people for asking questions, then so be it. But I think it comes down to you looking at yourself in the mirror. And if you like the life you're living, great. If it's on a trajectory that you want to change, then you're going to have to do some uncomfortable things because you've been doing the comfortable thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And I wish it was more complex than that, but it's not. It will be uncomfortable and it won't be – it won't feel great all of the time. But, yeah, get some guys together and say, I want to learn how to fish. Will some of y'all take me fishing? I took a guy hunting the other day, a military veteran who's done way more adventures than me. He'd never been deer hunting. So I said, I got you. Let's go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And we took him, and it was a blast. And he taught me things. I taught him things. It was great. But, like, it started with, hey, I need to learn how to fish. I don't know how to work on a truck. Will you teach me how to do that? And go from there, man. But, again, you decide. What kind of friendships you want? What do you want in life? What you're leaning towards? And man, go that direction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
They should be getting a trust. It's like, okay, dude, I'm not going to engage with that. That's like telling people who are 100 pounds overweight that they need to be doing cross – no, they don't. They need to go for a walk, right? So I'm not going to even address it because they're stepping over $100 bills to pick up nickels. I'm not going to address it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
and talk to Beth. Hey, Beth, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Oh, man. Tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yeah. But that story's in his nervous system, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
That's not, that's not a, that's not a, that's not a, I mean, cause, cause that's for the, for the average listener. Um, my experiences of sitting down and talking with some of these survivors is they've seen madhouse violence and, or been required to participate in, They'd experienced sexual abuse of unimaginable depravity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
No, go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yeah. But, but can you go get help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I bet your insight is, is less slight than you. I think you're being very compassionate for the hell that he endured and lived through. Okay. Yeah. Here's what I've found to be helpful, okay? And I don't know if he ever would, but I would love to talk to him. And if he doesn't want to talk to me on the show, I'll even be willing to set up something offline, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I don't know if he's a fan of the show or anything or if he's ever listened to the show, but if not, no big deal. So here's a couple of just big rocks, okay? The three words, I believe you. Combined with physical touch is a very powerful salve. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
The second is in your situation, you can't not address it. And so when I have to address something, when I have to address abject ignorance, my commitment to myself is not to lose my honor, my respect, and my dignity, not to cash in my character because of somebody else's ignorance. So I am not going to get in a mudslinging contest. I'm not going to call names.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So when somebody's spinning out, when somebody's frustrated, when somebody's angst, when somebody's having a panic attack, when somebody's anxious, when somebody's like, I don't want to. Just simply putting your hand on their arm, holding skin on skin is what you think. SOS, skin on skin. And the words, I believe you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
don't know how or why but it tends to make the human body go okay the second one and this is um most people don't think about this the second one is deep and powerful and very strong boundaries with somebody who has experienced abuse. What I mean by that is you've experienced unimaginable abuse. You've seen things that no person should ever see, much less a child or experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And you don't get to be abusive in this house. You don't get to scream. You don't get to hit things. You don't get to punch holes in the wall. You don't get to just disappear for five days. You don't get to do that because you looked at me and said, I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And what I found over the years is not 100%, but what I found is what somebody who struggles with childhood trauma like this, those type of boundaries are unfathomably life-giving because finally they get to anchor into something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So what behavior, what's prompting this call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
because here's the other thing there's kind of this and I'm glad it's finally getting some press and some attention right now but not everybody grieves in the same way and it might be that you're doing all this work and you're doing talk therapy and you're taking medication and you're feeling great and the lights come on and you see him and you think man his lights on and he's being a present husband and he's showing up and it's pretty amazing given the journey he's made
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But I think the light could be even brighter. So you need to talk more. So is there some behavior, some pathologies that you're seeing that you are scared of or see him hurting himself? Or it's bringing electricity into your home? What are you concerned about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I'm not even going to give you a right to make me angry. The fact that you are saying things that are believing things that are so insanely ignorant, you've already removed your vote from my vote box. You don't get a vote in my life. But you're my mom and dad, and I do believe you honor your mom and dad. I do believe that. That doesn't mean you do whatever they say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I mean, he's seen it. He's seen... I mean, it's... I've heard this over and over and over and over again from... It's just hard to hang out with a 27-year-old U.S. person sometimes when you've grown up in madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
When they're just like, oh my gosh, can you believe that Trader Joe's is not... And you're like, dude, right this second overseas, there's a little boy hiding because some guys are trying to kidnap him to... Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I mean, like it's hard even, it doesn't surprise me at all that he's made connections with folks with way more wisdom who have been overseas, who've seen what the human condition can do. And it doesn't surprise me that his body took over to take care of him. Like that affect, that is just a body that goes inside of itself, right? That's a spirit locking itself inside a skin because it has to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But that's where that, the thing that draws somebody out of that is, and you are right on, is connectivity. And that's the words, I believe you, and skin-to-skin contact. Right? And it's a process, and it takes a long time. I don't know that he'll ever not, his body will never not have that as a default setting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
It was too important. Right. I have a hypothesis that has zero, no evidence to it, except that I ask every single long-term veteran that I meet, all of them. I ask them the same question and I've never had somebody tell me no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I wonder if, because I know that the data on the human body's ability to metabolize trauma, it's astonishing what people can go through and will go through and the lives that can lead on the back end. Especially when you look at Nazi camp survivors and how they went and they just – only few remaining people from different families created new communities together because they had to, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
People can overcome, but they have to have other people. And I have to wonder if the mad spike in PTSD – comes from somebody who sees things that nobody should see experiences things but they also do it in a context with a family because if you're surviving kidnapping that means you have family members that are with you right right They did this thing together and veterans do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
They train together and they've got a group of men and women that will lay down and die for them. And then they get out of the service. They get unhooked. Or as your husband leaves, comes to the States, marries an amazing woman who loves him more than life itself. And you get that survivor's guilt. You get that unplugged feeling. It's hard to have a friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
You've got a friend that will die for you and that helps hide you when there's guys trying to kidnap you. And then your neighbor's like, man, did you see the prices at Whole Foods? Like, it's hard to ever reconnect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
That means that I'm going to treat you with dignity and respect even when I have to give you hard things that you disagree with. And so I would sit down and be direct and say, I'm dating so-and-so, and he is fill in the blank when it comes to anything you think they're going to object to. And I believe in pulling the bullets out of the chamber.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Right. I want to switch it. I don't want to do any forcing. I think he's been forced enough. But I do want to invite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And so very few husbands, there are some scumbags out there, but very few husbands, if their wife holds her hand and says, this really matters to me, I want to join this particular thing, it would make me feel loved. And it would make me feel safe if you came with me every Wednesday night to go bowling. What?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I know you don't like to talk to people. I know. This is not for you. It's not for them. This is for me. Would you do this for me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And that's an invitation. When this comes out, I'll already be a month in. I am starting ballroom or whatever dance lessons this month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And it's because my wife has said, I want to do things with you. I've always wanted to dance. Dude, I can't dance to save my life. I don't want to dance in front of other people. I have a public-facing job, so it's going to be even more embarrassing. I'm clumsy. All those things, it's not about me. It's not about them. It's about when I told my wife, hey, I got you dance lessons for Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Her smile lit up the sun. Right? And so I don't want to force him. You have to do this or else because then you become one of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And he doesn't need that. He needs you to be with him. But you inviting him, I need you to be with me on this one. And it might not be bowling, but it might be we have to do something together outside of this house with other people. I'll let you speak into it, but I want to invite you to be a part of it. And you have to be prepared for he might tell you no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And then the boundary is you're going to go anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I'm going to go anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Because what we're going to do now is we're going to model what peace looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
We're going to model it because here's what he needs to feel. He doesn't need to come home to his house and feel like he's not grieving right. And often loving partners, myself included, tell our partners, we need to be grieving like this. You need to go see a counselor. You need to go do this. You need to go take medication. You need to go start an exercise program.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And what it ends up doing is I've got pain and I'm not even doing my pain right. And so instead of, it's the curiosity over judgment. Instead of saying like, you need to be doing this, this, and this, it is, would you do this with me? And what we want him to feel is your nervous system ticked down about 50 beats and there's no beats in a nervous system. I just made that up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But it's when he feels with you that then he's like, I want that. I want more. His body will naturally want more of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
That's right. He's done with that, as he should be. But going back to the boundaries thing, that doesn't mean he didn't look a woman in the eye and say, I do till death do us part, and you get to say, hey, as a part of loving me, here's what I need and here's what I want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And so I would say, I know this is going to be hard for you. I know you might be embarrassed to tell your friends, this is who I'm dating. I've been dating him for a long time and I love him. And I hope you guys will be supportive of this. And then that's the end of the conversation. But I'm going to tell him quietly. I'm going to tell him calmly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So he doesn't get to be responsibility free. And that's where those boundaries are really important for people who have suffered unimaginable abuse is it's such a rudderless. The thing that trauma, especially sexual trauma and violent trauma does is it cuts the oxygen. The thing that keeps a human being alive is other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And violence, abject violence, especially when you're a child and sexual violence, It makes the person, another person, electric. It makes them like an electric fence. It makes them poison. And the problem is we have to have other people to survive. And so a boundary in a strange way creates safety. It creates a bridge back to a person because right now he's rudderless. I mean, he's clipped.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
He's a balloon that somebody cut the string and he's just floating out in space.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
That's right. That's right. But what he did agree to is loving you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And so we're not going to preach at him. We're just going to invite him to walk with you. And you have to be able to breathe through the days he says, I can't go today. Cool. I'm going to go. Because he might go two days or three days and then the old nervous system kicks up because he hasn't slept well, because work is stressful, because he had a whole bunch of pizza. Who knows?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But for some reason, the switch is flipped on. It's not a good week. Cool. I'm not going to judge you. But when I get back, I'm going to tell you how much fun we had. And I hope you'll come next time. My wife did this for me for years with church. I just got to a place where I had a lot of baggage with church and I didn't go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And I never felt a sense of you're less than or you're a terrible person. I did feel guilt because she got up and went all the time. And eventually I started going, not with a good spirit or a good heart about it, but I didn't want to be the guy whose wife went to church by herself. And then I started going. And then I went with my walls up, but I kept going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And then I went with, as the wall started coming down a little bit, and then an awesome minister asked me to help with a thing, would you teach a class? And then all of a sudden, like, you get what I'm saying? So I think the behavior is the language. It's the action. Will you love me this way? Will you come to the bowling league with me? Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Or I want to start having people over to the house every Wednesday night, bringing people over. And it would really, you're the best whatever cook I know. Will you make this? Or you're a terrible cook. Please don't cook anything, right? Like whatever the thing is, right? Yeah. But let's focus less on forcing. He's been forced enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Let's do the inviting that we can do. And you are right. Pointing him back with all arrows at some shape, form, or fashion to connection. And at this point, honestly, I wouldn't judge his connection. If he's connecting with older folks, that's amazing. Great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And if they want to fight, I'll put a hand up and say, hey, I'm not going to have this fight with you. I'm not going to have this fight with you. And here's the other thing. I'm ignorant about a number of things. I know I am. I had a conversation yesterday about something I believe deeply. And I was just like, they walked me through it. I was like, oh, gosh, I'm really wrong on this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But invite him over. Because sometimes people will hang out with 70-year-olds because it's safe and it's surface.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But you as his partner, as a person who loves him can say, cool, I'll hold my beer. They're coming over here. and we're going to learn how to play bridge. I don't, I just assume that's a game that teach you how to play when you're 70, but like we're playing bridge, we're playing dominoes and it's going to be like game on here at the house and we're in it. We're going to play.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And, um, you can't keep, you can't have these arm length friends, or you can say like, I don't know about these 70 year old women hanging out with my husband. So I want to meet him. I'm putting my eyes on him. I don't trust him. Right. And you can be funny about it. And, but you're gonna have these friends amazing, but I want them to come over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And slowly with you by his side, it pierces that inner bubble he's created in his home. Because here's the other side of this that we don't often like to talk about. You're trapped inside there too. When you know you're his only source of human connection, of oxygen, it makes it hard for you to leave, right? And so it's a both and thing. But I'm going to say this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
He won the cosmic lottery meeting you. Thank you for loving him like you do, for caring about him, for doing your own work. Um, and I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. Love, love, love to hear a story and just sit with him. Thank you so much for the call, Beth. It means the world, um, your trust and your bravery. Thank you so much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And thank you for giving us a picture of what loving well looks like. Very few of us are married to somebody who's been through hell like that, but we all have partners who struggle and, uh, You're a picture of what love looks like. Thank you for that. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I've got some stats that will shock you. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. And because all of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become totally normal to, like, give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
We even order food from the internets. Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the worldwide web. This is why I'm so happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at the reports my friends at DeleteMe have sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
It was a science thing. I was just wrong. And so I always want to lead with some sort of compassion for ignorant folks. Folks who are, I don't want to say ignorant folks as an identity, but like folks who are ignorant on a topic or on a thing. I want to be compassionate. Because often people will sit me down. I remember one time I took a job at a university in California.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today to get 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yes, you're the problem. He is the problem. He is. Yes. Here's why. I guarantee you a guy that has all of his own processing stuff at his house doesn't not talk about it. And so you have in-laws that are probably doing the best they can to identify with their addition to their family as they look at him. The guy who's with, I'm assuming, their daughter. And so he hunts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I'm sure she tells him, oh, he's out hunting. I'm sure he goes to family events and gets out of his truck wearing camo something or like the family gets it. And so, A, at one point he probably showed up to a family event and had cooked venison for them and was very proud of it, and it was probably spectacular. And they're like, man, I'd love some of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And he, trying to impress his in-laws, gave them some. And so now he's got to be a grown-up and just say, no, thank you. And so the boundary is not, is it rude to ask? Is it rude to like, hey, I want some of that deer meat you made. Great. The boundary is on the receiving end. Like, oh, man, I've given away all I can give away this year. The rest of it I've got saved for the family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And if they don't like that, that's their issue. You get what I'm saying? I just don't – if you – let me say it like this. So all of my old students – not all of them. A number of my old students, which is the – numbers in the thousands, right, over the years – parents, family members, old friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
As this podcast, as this YouTube show has taken off, I've had people calling me and texting me from way back in the day, right? Of all sorts. People just still have my number in their phone. Some of it is amazing. Some of it is like, I don't remember who you are. And some of it is I've cheered with old students who have new jobs. It's great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But it gets to be a lot sometimes when I get 30 or 40 or 50 text messages a day. from people that I haven't, right? And so I asked a buddy of mine who's a country music star. I said, hey, when did you change your number? Because I remember him changing his number one time. And he walked me through the pros and cons of changing your number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But he said something that was so profound and I'm so glad that he gave me this wisdom. He goes, you can change your number. Here's the good thing about it, but here's the bad thing. And it comes with a lot of bad stuff when you just change your number midstream. And he goes, there's also one other thing you can do. And I was like, what is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And I ended up backing out of the job. It was a whole drama thing. I hurt a lot of people. It was a bad deal on my part. But my dad, who's a lifetime Texan, I'm a grown man. I'm 35. I've got kids. No, I didn't have any kids yet. But my dad pulls me in his back room and starts walking me through the tax code in this area in California I was going to be living in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And he looked at me over dinner and he goes, you can be a grown man and just not reply. I was like, well, I don't like that because that makes me feel sad. He started laughing. He's like, just be a grown man and just say, I can't do your – I can't come speak at your small office thing. I appreciate the invitation. You'll have a great one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And from that moment on, it's their response is their deal, not yours. And that piece of wisdom was like, dude, if you're good at something, people are going to want to be a part of it. They're going to ask you and you get to be the one that says, nah, I can't make that happen. Or I've given away all I could give away this year, next year. Maybe I'll see if I can get another deer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Um, or I didn't hunt as good like this particular year. I didn't have a great season. And so I've got less to pass around to everybody like I usually do. Um, It's all good, but I don't know. I think he's the problem. Like, just say no. You don't think so?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Okay. I also think that— Look at you listening to this show. Yes, and. Wow, Kelly's getting all growed up. I don't know what to do with emotionally stable Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yeah, moochers are going to mooch.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
All day, every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yes, but also you can buy – yes, but I'll trade you some meat for a boxable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
But they also may throw it away and think we're just trying to show this guy that we love him. We don't really. Who knows?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So using Cody, he's my manager. He's a good friend of ours. Cody also often has a camera around his neck around here. He's taking pictures of all kinds of stuff, right? Like during Battle of the Bands, he's in the mosh pit taking pictures. So it's not a leap to me to think, oh, this guy just always is taking pictures of everything. Hey, would you mind taking pictures of my family?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Without thinking that's a business, that's an industry, that's a whole thing. And he's a world-class professional photographer in addition to wrangling me for a living, right? Like, so- it's, I put it to him to say, oh yeah, here's what I charge. Here's the business part of it. And then if I want to get like, who do you think you are? That's on me, man. I don't know. I guess, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
People ask, they're just going to ask. And maybe that's just me the last couple of years. I've had to make peace with people want me to do a lot of free stuff. And I just can't, I can't meet all of those calendar demands. And so I've had to just make peace with I'm going to, I think it's a, I feel good that they asked. That's cool. And I can't, I mean, and it's on me to say no. So I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
If you're a great deer hunter and you make great processed foods, expect people to ask you for it because venison is awesome. And then you just got to be a grown up and say no. Yes. And don't be a moochers. Is that good, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I feel like you mooch on me sometimes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And I ran a division at a university. I had a doctorate. I mean, I wasn't a dumb guy and I wasn't a kid. I was a grown man. And I remember thinking to myself, he's trying to love me the best way he knows how. And in a sideways way, he's trying to tell me, I really don't want you to move that far away because we love having y'all close.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I don't know, but I'll think of something. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Sometimes it's just challenging stuff, and sometimes it's dark and really hard. And that's what we do on the show, man. I sit with hurting people who are trying to figure out what's the next right move for me, for my marriage, for my kids, for my mental, emotional health, whatever you got going on. Here's my promise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And he did that through trying to tell me, you know, you shouldn't be living there, the tax codes and whatever. Like, I get to pick, do I want to go to war with a guy who's trying to love me? And he opened his toolkit and didn't have the tool that I needed at the moment, right? But he was doing the best he could.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Or can I, with compassion, smile and say, this guy really loves me and he doesn't want me to leave. That's amazing. I wish that for every young son that his dad wants him around. So in this way, maybe your mom and dad would be embarrassed to tell their friends and shame on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
If they want to control your life, if they need your life to look a certain way so that they can still enter their social circles and feel however they want to feel, shame on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And maybe they've read the wrong internet article over the last five years, and they believe with all their heart, if my daughter goes down this path, her life's going to be really difficult and challenging, and she doesn't see it yet. So we're going to try to love her the best we can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
You know what I'm saying? So they're wrong on both counts, right? And I'm not going to cash in my character over somebody else's challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I mean, you know, your parents better than me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I don't know. I mean, I, I mean, I like having hard conversations in person and I guess I'm trying to think like, I don't, um, I don't know. I'm trusting you that this is this big of a deal in your house. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I'm trying to think. If my daughter Josephine went to med school... And she met a professional jacks player who plays jacks on the street, you know, like that, like the little ball, the game ball. And she'd been dating a surgeon and she dumped, she had a fiance who was going to be a surgeon. They broke up. And she's like, dad, I've fallen for a professional jacks player.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
He's a street hustler and I love him. I love him. Right. That would be a big shift for me. And I would think instantly of, oh, this is not going to go well. Right. Right. And so I think the conversation overall would go better if we were having that in person. And by the way, I also know I can't do a thing about who she loves. I can't do a thing about who she loves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
i'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask a s k all right let's go down the street here in nashville tennessee and talk to jess what's up jess hi how's it going i am rocking on to the break of dawn how about you
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
All I can do is make it to where she doesn't want to be around me or she does. Right. Right. And so but I think that conversation would go better in person because I'd be able to see her on her body language. Oh, she's really struggling with something right now. She's she's or oh, my gosh, she's in love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Right. She is stone in love and I have a choice. I can support this thing and I can be like, I want to meet him and he's going to come over with me and we're going to like, I'm going to take him out to breakfast or whatever, or I can choose to disconnect with my daughter. Right. But I would like that in person, but that's not always available these days. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So I think for you, how much of this is built up in your head or how much of this, it's going to be like a big dramatic shock.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yes, I mean, it's just such an ignorant way to see the world. But here's the thing, like, they don't get a vote. How old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yeah, they don't get a vote. And I think there's a hard grieving season when if you imagine like a small, like a jewelry box sitting on your kitchen table and in that box is four or five or six people that you quote unquote give a vote to. They get to call you at the middle of the night and say, what are you doing? And you'll actually go change your behavior.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Mine has about six, maybe seven people now that I'm older in it. Okay. My kids aren't in that box. I love my mom and dad dearly. They're not in that box. I have the greatest in-laws on planet earth. They're not in that box. My wife is, my buddy Todd is, my buddy John is, my buddy Kevin is, my buddy John Noel is, right? Like they're in that box, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And if they call me, which all those men I've mentioned have and say, hey, you have to stop doing this or why did you do this? Or why did you post this? Or, hey, I just got a call from your wife and she's worried about like, I stopped what I'm doing and listening.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And there's something heartbreaking when you're 25 or 27 and realize people that you've cared about and trusted and loved are no longer in that decision-making tree for you. William Glasser calls it your quality world. Pleasing them is no longer in your quality world, and it can feel disconcerting. It can feel unmooring. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And so there's some grief like, oh my gosh, this is my parents. And by the way, this is going to be very countercultural. I'm going to get some mean comments about this. I also used to tell students all the time when they'd come in and tell me, I'm gay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I am struggling with X or I'm struggling with Y or I'm dropping out of college or my parents have been obsessed with me being a physician and I'm going to go into, I'm changing my major to painting, right? Or whatever. I always told them, your parents get a minute. Give your parents the dignity of a minute. And I know it's cool to be like, they don't get a minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
They need to do, they get a minute. They get a minute, right? Like they have a picture of the world, and now that picture is going to be different. I'm going to be graceful and give it to them because what's the option, right? We're going to fight. I'm going to go to war. I'm going to cut you off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
We have a whole show coming up here in the next couple weeks about that, about people just cutting their parents off just because of a bad first conversation or whatever. So again, at the end of the day. Don't cash in your character and your dignity. They are clearly ignorant on this issue. I didn't even know this was still – I'm going to be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Dude, we need that in Nashville. It is G-R-A-Y out here. It is great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
I'm ignorant that this is still an issue, but that's on me. That's completely on me. And every mom and dad, when their little precious baby is born, they just have a snap picture of what that Thanksgiving table is going to look like when they have grandkids. And when they find out we're not getting grandkids or my son is not marrying an astronaut and my daughter is not marrying a, like, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
They get a minute. Fine. They get a minute. They don't get to be disrespectful and they don't get to be rude and they don't get to call me stupid. But I'm going to give them a minute and I'm not going to lose my character and dignity and respect moving forward. I can appreciate that. You know your mom and dad better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Bring some of your bucket of sunshine out here to the office, man. That's awesome. So what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
So if you think a phone call or a FaceTime is good, if you think a letter is better, if you think a personal visit to fly out there is better, great. You know what I mean? I think that's awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Because it feels like a move. If you know it's going to cause a thing, it feels like a move. Yeah. Suddenly he becomes a tool you're using to get your mom and dad and that's not right. He doesn't deserve to be used like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And he doesn't deserve to feel the radial blast of their ignorance if they choose to detonate it, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
Yeah. Thank you so much for the call. I, again, I'm, I'm, I shouldn't be, I'm kind of speechless. I didn't know this was, I didn't know that. Well, whatever is what it is. Yeah. That's my two things for, for dealing with just abject ignorance. I don't engage it. I don't engage it. Or I commit to not losing my integrity in the process. And I keep very close tabs on who has a vote in my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
And sometimes people opt out and it breaks my heart. It makes me sad and I grieve it. And then I go find meaning in it and move on. So thanks for the call, Jess. I hope it all goes well. Let me know how the conversation goes. I will say this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in an Interracial Relationship and My Family Doesn’t Know
If you ever have to have a hard conversation with your mom and dad, often writing it out ahead of time is very helpful because it keeps it from getting overly emotional real quick and it keeps you from instantly going back into some of your childhood roles instantly. So maybe take time to write it out and let me know how the conversation goes. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Or you can be the kind of roofer that says, hey, you're fine. I'm not going to take your money. You're good. People can try to sell you stuff. Your house is good. Or ma'am, I can sell you this top line roof or I know you're struggling right now financially. I can get you in for this one. And you can provide a literal roof over people's heads. I can think of very few things that are that noble.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Do you get what I'm saying? Wow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You can go today, when we get off this phone call, you can go today, go down to a local clinic, tell them 30 seconds of what you've just told me about your childhood, and they will write you an exemption card right now. Or you can go to an AAA meeting tonight in your local community and say, I'm done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
If you look around, there's more than just one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
If I hook you up with some three months with BetterHelp, the therapist, would you call them today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yes, I would. Okay. And they'll set you up in the next 24, 48 hours, and you can have a conversation with a licensed therapist on FaceTime, on Zoom. Thank you. Would that be cool? Yes. I need it. I know. I know. So here's my promise to you. As you walk through this, I've got friends in the nutrition space and in the exercise space and in the finance space.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Anything I've got that you need, you can have for free if you'll keep calling me and you'll stay on the path. All right. Okay? Okay. You in? I'm in. I think you getting pulled over may have been the greatest moment of your life other than when your dad's brother came in and said, I'm going to raise you as though you're my son.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
When's the last time you looked at that man and truly looked at him in his eyes and said, thank you? It's probably been a year or two. Will you do something crazy for me? Yeah. Almost all of AA starts in these same little, in these same paths. One of the cornerstones is gratitude, being grateful. I want you to make a call to BetterHelp and I'm gonna hook you up today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I want you to write a letter to your dad tonight. And not just a perfunctory like, oh, thanks. I want you to write your dad. Yeah, I think you'll let her. Because your dad was sick for a long time, right? Yes, he was. He had some demons?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
For years, it's been like, man, if I could, if I could, okay, well, here you go. You got the presidency, you got the Supreme Court, you got the House, you got the Senate. You said you could fix the world, go fix it, right? So there's that. And then it's like, yeah. And then there's the other side that thinks that like the apocalypse is on us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Okay. So your dad's brother has watched his brother hurt for a long time, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And then lost him. Then he got you. He had to pull the plug on him. Did he really? Yeah. Yeah, he was in a coma.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
So I want you to write him a heartfelt letter, and if you're a gangster, I want you to read it to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I want you to tell him that his raising you for 18 years was not in vain. It was you're going to bring peace to your dad's hurt, and you're going to do it generationally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
So you're going to take the baton, you're going to dust it off, you're going to pick it up off the ground, and you're going to carry it. For everybody listening, the path isn't perfection. Harold's going to have good days and bad days. He's going to mess up. He's going to fall off. And he's going to have surrounded himself with people who care about him and a team of professionals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And they're going to be able to lift him up and help him out. Let's go out to Bakersfield, California and talk to Abby. What's up, Abby?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And so these are seasons when I am super intentional about being pretty quiet and trying to be as, I don't know how to say this, like in a not weird way, but like, make my footsteps as light as possible and be really humble with people. Cause I don't know where people are. And so make sure people are doing well and doing okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I'm so sorry. How old are they now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Okay. It's an accelerant or it's an extra layer. It's not the foundation. So do me a favor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I want you to... What are you doing right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Okay, perfect. All right, so I want you to not lean over anything. I want you to stand as straight as you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
All right, and your shoulders, I want you to drop them, pull them down, and then I want you to pull them back just about an inch. Okay. And I want you to pull your head up a little bit, almost like you're trying to like, almost like making fun of like a high school footballer, how they take pictures. They kind of throw their head up a little bit. That's your new posture right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
We're not putting our head down. We're not going, I don't know. We're standing as tall as possible with our shoulders thrown back and our head up. And we're going to look at any adult in front of us and say, I'm not going to be around former child molesters. I'm not. So you'll have a great time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I want you to adopt that posture because right now you're tiptoeing around and I don't know how to do this and it's going to be uncomfortable. I want you to accept a posture of strength in this moment, not one of I'm afraid I'm going to say and do the wrong thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
When everyone around you is acting crazy, it's easy if you're a person of character to think you're crazy too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Or to feel like you're the only, you're the crazy one. And so I want you to hear me say you are not the crazy one here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
That was just, I mean, you're talking four or five or six years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
This isn't that long ago. And if there wasn't a big, I don't say public, I don't mean public, but I mean a disgust reckoning inside this family unit, inside this home. Yeah. Not only do I not want to be around them, And I've got a lot of grace for kids. Yeah. 14 and 15-year-olds can do some disturbing things, and they're 14 and 15.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I had this thing this morning where, um, I got up and I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, but you're not talking about it. I, uh, Made sure I made my bed. And I know that sounds like, I want to make sure I start the day with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And if you haven't worked with young people, they're still young people, right? Mm-hmm. I've got way more concern with the lack of accountability and integrity of the adults in this situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I'm not going to build my Christmas legacy with those folks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You know, oh, it totally does. And anytime I get lost in these moments, what do I do? And how long has it been? What time is it? There was a six and now a 10 or 11 year old little girl. I'm going to act for her. Because here's the thing. If they kept that quiet, who knows what else they've kept quiet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I'm not going to sleep like that. And so if I'm in your situation, I would probably send an email out to everybody or to your parents and say, mom, dad, I've thought this through and I can't be quiet about this. I'm gonna give everybody seven days. And if there's not a report made of this, I work with kids, I'm a mandatory reporter, I'm gonna do what I'm supposed to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And period. And it might cost you the next 10 Christmases, fine. It won't be you that did the wrong thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
See what I'm saying? You'll have to live with some of the consequences because you've got a picture of this great family, all the things, all the memories and yada. They will have made choices that led up to this moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And here's the sucky thing. A day of reckoning will come. It's still out there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Cause that six year old at some point goes, why didn't anybody protect me? Why didn't anybody do or say anything? Why am I still a 10 or 11 or 12 year old little girl at this Christmas party with those same guys?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Well, I mean, it's usually me or my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
But you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I hate that this fell on you. How old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Running out the door. Right. I'm going to start the day with this one. And I went and made coffee. And I went straight and did leg workout.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
How long have you been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Your husband's fully got your back?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And he married a good woman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And, I mean, it's hard. Yeah. And here's my visceral response. I got an eight-year-old little girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And the thought of her having to carry the weight of a family secret because none of the adults had the courage to say anything makes it like I'm having trouble catching my breath right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
So forget the adults, forget the perpetrators, whatever. They were 14 and 15. They were still kids, right? And I have some compassion for children who perpetrate on children.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
But we're going to think about that little girl right now who is still very, very young, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And maybe mom and dad tell you some more of the story, but I think it's important for you to say, hey, I'm not sitting on this anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And hopefully, here's the thing. Here's what I hope. I hope that maybe your parents gain a new level of respect for you. And it's indicting to them in a good way. It might be indicting to them in a tough way. We should never have told you. We can't keep secrets, family secrets with you. You're right. I don't keep those kind of secrets. And how dare you put that on me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I've sat on it and sat on it and sat on it. And I'm not doing it. And it might be that you and your husband go on a trip for Christmas this year. Y'all start making your own Christmas plans. You invite some of your students' families over. I don't know. Y'all have a rando Christmas, just like the Delonys have a rando Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Y'all do something, but it's going to look different for you this year, and I'm sorry. But I would give everybody a warning. In seven days, I'm making a report. Hopefully, I'll do the right thing. All right, let's go out to Hawaii and talk to Paige. What's up, Paige?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I want to start today with this one premise. If you think that the world is now like the sun came out, right? Your marriage is still the same as it was yesterday. And your relationship with your kids is exactly as it was yesterday, right? And if you think that like, this is the end of time, the beginning of the end of time, the only thing you can do anything about is the next right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
So you're assuming from her comment that she has had an abortion? Yes. What makes you think from that comment?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yeah. It could be. It could be. And it also could very much be like, well, then you're, I guess, like intellectually, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yeah. And I... All I have to say is, either way, that... Hold on one second. Am I missing something? Do y'all think I'm crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Oh, okay. So, so I, I, I working at a university for 20 years, I'm, this is my every day of my life was these big philosophical debates and like, guess I'm just evil. And so I just took it as, that's just, that's the world I lived in was everything was ideas and trafficking ideas. And, um, everything was all my friends. We're always sparring all the time, 24, seven, three 65. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Um, so I took that very much intellectually. Well, I guess I'm a murderer then. Like if, if you, if you believe that abortion is murder and I believe it's not, I guess I'm a murderer. Then, uh, everyone in the booth, like looking at me, you can't see them. They all are on your side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
They're like, no, she just, she just, she just admitted to you that she's, um, she had an abortion and she feels completely isolated all by herself. So, um, Here's what's really important. It doesn't matter what I think or anyone in the boardroom thinks. That's your sister and you love her and your sister is hurting and I would reach out and call my sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
She feels like you just weaponized one of the most painful experiences of her life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And maybe one of the scaredest, lonest times of her life. And she's always wondered if her sister would be by her side during this time, during the season, during these memories or however long or whatever. It might be 20 years old. It might be two weeks old. Who knows? Right. But she hasn't talked to you about it. And that's allowed her to keep a fantasy going that y'all are on the same team.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
That you would never leave her side. And now you called her a murderer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I tried to not just run my mouth on the show. I try to live it. And so I woke up today and no one's going to know where I fall on any of this stuff. In fact, my daughter was like, dad, but who are you voting for? And I was like, I don't tell anybody. And Hank, my son was like, he's not going to tell you. And she was sweating me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
So she feels the exact same way. And that's why people are always asking me my takes on issues and sides. And outside of very few things, I don't give them because I'm way more interested in sitting with hurting people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And by the way, I have done what you have done more times in my life than I can count, which is to be very vocal to a person about an issue, not thinking through that the issue has a very personal end sometimes. Yeah. And I can think really, really passionately about an issue. And still love you, right? And that's why I flipped the conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Now I only talk about issues after I've connected with the person. You get what I'm saying? And you have to ask yourself, can I be friends or sisters? Can I be in communication with someone who's had an abortion? If you feel strongly that you cannot, then so be it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
if you feel like I don't care what my sister's done, she's my sister and I'll go to the ends of the earth to make sure she feels safe and loved, then I'm getting on the phone right after you and I get on the phone. And you can tell her, hey, I haven't slept. I haven't been able, whatever. I was talking politics and talking issues and my sister's hurting and I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I'd start there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yeah. Yeah. What I'm telling you is there may be intellectual differences. There may be vehement, passionate disagreements, but if you believe that, I think your sister needs to hear, there's not a thing you can do in a place you can go that I won't love you. And you're not going to be my sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And if you ever want to share your story, I've made it a, not a, not a place where it's very hospitable place for you to tell your story. If you ever want to hear it, I'll hear it. I'll listen. And you might get another side of that issue, right? You might get another side of the conversation. It might not change your mind, but it might bring compassion into it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
What are you scared of? Like it, like knowing as somebody you talk to all the time, it, it surprises me. You haven't called her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
So I try to keep it as tight as I can to the vest and argue everybody on both sides all the time. But it was waking up and like, all right, the only thing I can do anything about today is I can do the next right thing. And I just, I don't know, it's a good reminder for me. It's a good reminder. And then we spent some time, I think the show will come out after the interview with Carlos Whitaker.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Right. That's exactly right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
But I think it's, I think it could be one of two things. It could be that she was, didn't, didn't, it wasn't, it was her story to tell and she didn't feel it was the right time. And also, you have to look in the mirror and say, have I been a hospitable place that she always knows that no matter what, she can come talk to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And that's on me. Is that 100% guaranteed the truth? Maybe not. Maybe not. Maybe she's like, no, I'm just a jerk. I'll keep that private. And I just threw a grenade at you. And you might talk to her and she's like, no, I made the total right decision. I don't have any problem with it. Maybe that's it. Maybe she's just trying to rub it in your face.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
But let that story emerge. Don't make that story up about her and then hold her accountable for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And to everybody out there, this isn't just you, it's everybody out there. There may be an issue or a thing that's like, I'm cutting you off. But I cannot tell you, I can't even, I can't count the number of conversations, particularly with parents I've had over the years, who because of a particular issue or a thought or this or whatever,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
have come to me when their kids are graduating college or at the end of their college term and said the words, I would do anything to have that conversation back. I would do anything to have those three years of silence back. I was too, as the great Dr. Phil said, you want to be right or you want to have a relationship? Is that fair? Yeah. Will you do me a huge favor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Will you let me know how the call goes? I will. And do me one other favor. If she doesn't answer, which she probably won't, don't shoot a text message. Send a voice message. Okay. Actually, send this text message. Listen when you're ready. And let her hear your voice. And say what you need to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
All right. Hey, by the way, She's lucky to have you as a sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I wish you hadn't said that. I wish you hadn't said it like that. Um, actually, I, I, I, I don't, I'm lucky to have her as a sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I don't think you saying what you think politically is a bad thing. And you taking a stand on a, on a principled issue for you is a bad thing. It's not, um, I think the only error here is when she hung up on you, you didn't pick the phone back up and call her right back and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not losing my sister over an issue. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And I don't know when this is coming out, but we spent some time with- Yeah, this comes out before. Comes out before. Interviewed Carlos Whitaker and it may have been the most timely message I needed in a long, long time. And so anyway- I don't know. We're here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Or I turned a deep pain in your life into a political issue. I'm not doing that. All right, we are back. Hey, listen, I'm excited to share the episodes of The Dr. John Delaney Show. the show that we spent months trying to figure out the right name, we just call it The John Deloney Show, is now available a week early in the Ramsey Network app.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
If you're tired of waiting that extra week, you can watch and listen. You can watch full episodes and you can listen in the Ramsey Network app. You can download it anywhere you get apps, Google Play Store thing, the Apple app. Um, if you go out in the woods and like put both hands on a tree and just like call the spirits, I don't know how you get the Ramsey. You can just get it anywhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You get apps, you can get it. And, um, you can, uh, let's see here. Oh, you can hear what calls I'm taking next early and free by clicking the link in the show notes. Go check it out. And the 50 days of Christmas deals. Go right now. They go to RamseySolutions.com slash store. S-T-O-R-E. You can get Building a Non-Anxious Life on Atomic Discount. And you can get Questions for Humans Couples.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
It's going to be on Super Sale. And all the other ones. Questions for Humans Intimacy. You can get all of the books, the cards, everything for Christmas. Buy people stuff for Christmas that is actually going to help them have a better life. Not that she's going to end up in the trash. ramsaysolutions.com slash store and go be kind today. Extra kind. All things are going sideways.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
As the great Frank Turner says, try to be more kind. See you soon. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
What in the world is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. What's up? I hope you are doing all right. Hope you're doing all right. If you want to be on this show, I sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You uncovered your American flag tattoo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
There's one thing that we can always count on is that Kelly's voice will be heard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Let's go out to Texas, my old stomping ground, and talk to Harold. What's up, Harold?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Well, congratulations. Did you choose this life or did this life choose you? It has chosen me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Texas is like, hey, you can't tell us what to do, except you can't smoke weed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
All right. So how can I help brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't do that. I know I've been in Texas my whole life. No. I mean, okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
How long have you been smoking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Why'd you start smoking in 14?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
80, huh? Dang. Okay. And you liked it? It felt good?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
God, dude, I'm so sorry, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yeah, do you have any memories of him or no?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
No kidding. So you didn't know that your current dad was not your biological dad? Yeah, I found that out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Well, I'm going to say, yeah. So tell me about your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Exhale for me. Can I speak straight to you? Yeah. Boys aren't supposed to grow up without their mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Okay. Okay. It's not supposed to be like that. And your mom's got her own story, so I'm not going to throw shade at her. I'm telling you right now, just grown-up Texan to grown-up Texan, boys aren't supposed to grow up without their moms. Yeah. And listen, dads aren't supposed to OD on heroin either. Definitely not. Okay. Okay. Here's what you got in front of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You have the deep internalized understanding that you are half your mom and half your dad. And you see the path laid out before you. So you can go get a compassionate use authorization. And you see the path before you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You don't think. You know. I want you to put your hand on your chest right now. Feel it. Okay. You haven't felt anything since you were 14 years old. Not much. I want you to feel this because this sucks. You are half mom and you are half dad and you have the path laid out in front of you. Or... You can do the hardest damn thing you've ever experienced in your life. You can get a machete.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You can go carve yourself a new path so that you're not your kids, but your grandkids will have peace that you may never fully grasp because their granddad, Harold decided this stops with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I really, I feel, I think I feel what you're saying. I would look back and say that maybe the greatest glimpse of grace from God was this moment when you got pulled over. Because Harold, without that, you have a kid that you let go, that never knows their dad because either you die or you decide to stay in the woods and smoke and let somebody else raise you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Okay, but you have to make a choice, and the choice is not going to be to not do drugs. That's the easy thing. The choice is to stop going around the insane amount of pain you have inside your chest, and you've got to get with a professional and walk right the hell through it. I know that's what I needed to hear, but I don't think I wanted to hear it. I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I wouldn't wish the next two years that you're going to experience on anybody. Because there's going to come a moment when you're sobbing so hard that there's snot coming out of your face, out of your eyes, out of your nose, because your mom chose weed over her son. And there's going to come moments when you're crying so hard you can't breathe and your chest won't work right because your dad died.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And you haven't faced that demon yet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And it's just, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yeah. You've been doing it before 14. 14 is when somebody offered you something that made it go away. 80 hits the first time out is not normal. I've been around weed my entire life. 80 hits is not normal. That's a dude who felt it, and it felt good, and it went, oh, this makes it all stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
It makes it stop. And then for the last seven years, you have not pursued girls. You haven't pursued grades. You haven't pursued work. You've pursued not hurting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And by the way, dude, I pursued not hurting too. I just didn't use drugs. I never did drugs. I pursued it by trying to say, look at my shiny certificate. Do y'all see me? And I've got other friends who pursued it with their career. Look how much money I'm making. I've got other friends who pursued it with, look how many girls I've slept with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And what you're going to find is everybody in your sphere is running from something. And I tell you what, I sure as hell didn't run from anywhere near the pain you've got sitting inside your chest. Not even close. But here's where I've got a lot of hope for you, dude. At 19 years old, after 48 hours, you ask the question, is this what I want to keep doing? Yeah. You tell me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
You do. But listen, brother, I can't do it for you. It's probably going to cost you your friends. Yeah. And it's going to cost you the places you go on Friday and Saturday. So you know what that means? It's going to cost you even the more terrifying feeling of not only did mom leave, not only did dad leave, now I got nobody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
There's lots of feelings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And that means your work is not going to be not smoking weed as much as it's going to be finding a new gang. And then you're going to feel hollow and you're going to have to do really hard work to find a purpose. Why am I here? What am I doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
And by the way, your purpose can be making sure people's front end alignments are perfect because they're scared moms who drive cars with three kids in them. And they're going to come into your shop because you're an awesome mechanic and you're going to be the best front end alignment. You're going to treat people with dignity. Or you can go to grad school and become a doctor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
I don't care what job you do, but you have to find and extract purpose from whatever it is you're doing. And your purpose has to be in service of others, not in service of trying to not hurt. Do you get the difference?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Yes, so it's the day after the election, and I was up late, and I got up this morning. You know what? It's probably important that we talk about this for a second. So either you're probably in one of two camps. That's probably not fair. You're probably in multiple camps, but... the vast majority are either, today was a great day, right? Today was the day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’ve Been Smoking Weed Since I Was 14 (Should I Quit?)
Okay. So you can be a door-to-door salesman selling roofs to people, especially in Texas where it hails every week and they have to replace their roofs every month. And you can be one of those scammers, a fly-by-nighter who sells people crap they don't need. And you're going to bounce around from roofing job to roofing job and move for 50 cents an hour or another point on commission.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
But your marriage isn't broken. Your marriage is, I don't want to say it's right where it should be, but it's a very common place that you find yourself. And now you got two people who are going to work together to not Hollywood this thing, but to actually put real things on the table. And all this starts with, I miss you. And here's what I want to do. And then fingers crossed, he goes with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Thank you so much for the call, my friend Jane. Hang on the line. We're going to hook you up with some free gear. We'll be right back. It was just a few weeks ago that we all, for whatever reason, moved our clocks forward one extra hour. I love the extra hour of daylight, but dude, losing an hour of sleep is tough on me and my entire family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And it's when we all lose that hour that I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for my attitude, my cognitive function, and my overall ability to show up. And this is why I love my friends at Helix. My Helix mattress has helped me to get to sleep faster, sleep more deeply, so that I wake up more refreshed. I love, love, love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I also know that a big reason why my kids don't ever fight me or my wife on going to bed is because they sleep in luxury on their Helix mattresses. Helix offers a mattress for every person's sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you've got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, or stomach, however you sleep, Helix has got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15-year warranty, so there's not a lot of risk. Let's make the most of your sleep this spring. Take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did, and they'll help you find the perfect mattress in less than like two minutes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Just go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today and get 20% off site-wide for their spring savings event. That's 20% off everything at helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, good folks. There's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients and what we're eating and what we're drinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You know, the food dyes and the colors and the extra nasty chemicals and the pesticides. I'm not a food scientist, but I know that none of this stuff sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients for me and for my kids. I don't have to worry about anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Organifi products are certified organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, pesticide-free, and herbicide-free. And they make it super easy to get your daily dose of superfoods with their green juice and their red juice. Organifi Green Juice is a detoxifying mix of 11 superfoods like ashwagandha that help boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And their red juice is filled with antioxidants and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without the caffeine jitters. And I know about caffeine jitters. And finally, don't forget Organifi's greatest hits album, the Organifi Starter Kit. that includes red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Ooh. Do you feel like you're losing life inside your own skin? Millions of women listening to this just stopped, and they're like, I wish my husband would just talk like that. What in the world's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls from all over the planet. on your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Right now, you'll save 20% off the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney. You can check out that and all the other Organifi products. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney, and use code Deloney today for 20% off everything on their site. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Please, please, please don't forget to hit the subscribe button or the share button or the thumbs up hearts. I don't know, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
lying but i don't know what kind of buttons there are don't forget to tell the internet you're a fan of the show and share it it makes such a huge huge difference for us um all across the board and don't forget i am coming on tour my friend dave ramsey we're talking about money life it's gonna be this show live and it's gonna be a little bit off the risk me a lot off the rails
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
We're going to be in Louisville, April 21st, Durham, April 23rd, Atlanta, April 25th, Phoenix, May 5th, Fort Worth, Texas, yee-haw, May 7th, and Kansas City, May 9er. Dude, RamseySolutions.com slash tour. Come check us out at some rad, rad theaters. And I cannot wait to get back out on the road, and I can't wait to cut it up with my buddy Dave. Live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
All right, let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Sierra. What's up, Sierra?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Dude, I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. Sister, how are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You're not crazy. It's cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
It's very fun. Oh, dude. Hey, someone's going to come knock on your window in a minute, but it's all good. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay, so y'all have been together forever, but you're still really young.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Dude, this is like Dawson's Creek romance. I love this. I love it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Sheesh, yeah, I don't know. Um, uh, Cause it sounds like you're pretty clear eyed. Like I'm 24. Most of my friends have already moved out. I'm still here. Yeah. And it's time. And also there's a reality. And I know it's easy for me to be like, get out of your mom's basement. But also, um, there's a reality to it. Like you're going to miss your folks. Right. It sounds like you actually like them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
But you'll have to adjust to that. You'll have this... hairy-legged boy that you're moving in with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Very open with each other. Okay, so I hear you mention loneliness. The thought of walking into an empty house or an empty apartment while he's still at work and you just exhale. I get that. What's another fear or two you have?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
It's all of it. It's all of it. I guess what I would tell you is, yeah, you're making a ton of changes. And so if you were super confident and stable right now, I would, I would, hopefully you would refer you out to a professional colleague, right? Because, because you've got a ton of change coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
So whenever I, whenever I don't know what to do next, and by the way, I've been wrestling with this personally, right? I keep reading about AI, keep reading about all this stuff. And it's like, Everything's about to change, and I don't even know what that means, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And so I always want to say, okay, when everything's about to change, and yet I have no picture of what that change is going to look like, or I have no experience to lean back on and say, okay, here's what this is going to feel like. So I went the other day. I've had a problem with my foot recently. And so I finally, because I'm an idiot, finally went to the doctor. It took me forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I got a shot, and the needle was comically large. Okay, but here's the thing. I've gotten shots before. And so I knew this is going to be painful for a second and then it will be over. And the doctor actually did an amazing job. It wasn't bad at all. And then I was out of there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
If I had never got a shot before and I saw that needle coming down, dude, I would have... My fear of what was going on would have been way worse than the actual procedure, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
So... I guess my little formula, if you will, my model for dealing with things when I don't know what it's going to feel like, what's coming next, or what it's going to look like is, A, I always want to get some wisdom on the decision I'm actually making. And it sounds like you've done that. You trust your parents?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you've done some wise things. Like, I want to go to law school, but before I go all in... I'm going to go spend a year clerking in a law office. I know it's not technically a clerking, but I'm going to go work in a law office. And you're like, oh, I don't want to do that. Amazing. Have you done that same thing with flying? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
So you like the whole, you like going to the, going to the aviation school. You like getting in a plane. You like hanging out with other pilots. You like that world, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. So I'm going to challenge your assessment of yourself that you're indecisive. And I think you're wise. I think you're wise. Because if you were indecisive, you would have started law school and stopped, started law school again, taken a leave of absence, gone to work at a thing, gone to get a cup of coffee, get a cup of coffee, ask somebody else, read 50 books, listen to podcasts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
That's indecisive. That's most of your peers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You have an idea about something, you try it out. Like this guy, you've tried him out for nine years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
That's amazing. So here's a number one. Here's number one in my model. Do something that breaks the inertia. And here's what I mean by that. If you have a hesitancy, if you're always just like slow playing, slow playing, slow playing, then break the inertia. Go make a decision. Go do a thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I'm trying to think like, man, um, like millions of women listening to this just stopped. And they're like, I wish my husband would just talk like that. So tell, tell me, tell me what you were hoping or wishing he would have said.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Right? So what does that mean? If you're nervous about being lonely and you just sit and spin and think about it, think about it, think about it, think about it, then I want you to put on the calendar a Like a Tuesday after you get married. I mean, not after you get married, but the Tuesday after the Tuesday you get married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Then the next Tuesday, I want you to schedule coffee with your mom and your sister. Put it on the calendar. I know that's going to be there. I'm going to have check-ins with them. If the first three weeks you walk into your apartment and it just feels hollow and lonely and you start getting a little bit anxious, then I want you to plan to hang out with your sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Like being with your family and your friends isn't a bad thing. You've got community. You've got built in. Like getting married doesn't mean I have to instantly be lonely. And clearly this cat that you're marrying knows that you're a family-oriented person, right? Yes. Does he like your folks too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. That's amazing. So as you build your own house, it doesn't mean we've created this weird thing like this somehow the old leave and cleave means like abandon. That's dumb. Still hang out. Still have fun. Right? But now you're going to begin to discuss your own values and your own conversations. And so do something that breaks the inertia.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
If you're like me and you rattle off decisions all the time over and over and over so fast, what I have to do to break the inertia to change the energy is I have to slow down. Which means I have a rule now. I don't respond to an email for 24 hours if it makes me mad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
or before I make a big decision, um, I asked two friends who are experts in that thing before I go do a, like a big major life change before I left higher ed to come to this job. I actually flew to Texas to meet with somebody who has known me for a long, long time before I jumped like, Hey, am I seeing this correctly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And so I want you to basically it's the old Seinfeld episode opposite George. I want you to do the opposite. Okay. Here's the second thing. I want you to write down what you actually are afraid of. Go right towards the fear. I'm afraid of being lonely. Cool. I'm going to put that on the table. I'm going to tell my husband that. Or my fiance that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I'm afraid of flight school taking up all our time as we're newlyweds. Let's put that on the table and let's begin to solve that problem. I'm afraid of getting into flight school and not liking it. So let's really write down these fears and then look at the ones we can actually do anything about and the ones that we can't, we're going to, what are you going to do about them, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And then the ones that we can, boom, we're going to go right into them. And then here's the third one. And this one's going to be the hard one, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Will you just give yourself permission and be sad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You're transitioning your whole life. And you're one of the rare 26-year-olds I talk to. You've had a pretty great life, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
That's exactly right. It's huge. And being sad doesn't mean you're not super over the moon excited about what comes next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
It's not either or. It's both and. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yeah, let it flip back and forth. Let it flip back and forth. That's amazing. You're about to transition out of a pretty safe, secure, awesome, amazing life. And you're getting under a squat bar. Have you ever been in a weight room before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
All right. So you know the squat rack. Your mom and dad have been lifting your squat bar for a long time. And there's something about walking into a house when you know somebody else is there, just in your nervous system, in your amygdala, you know, hey, if there's somebody trying to get into the house or somebody trying to, there's just safety issues. There's just conversation issues.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
There's just, oh gosh, I don't, can you help grab this thing? And there's nobody else there. And that's just the transition to adulthood, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you're coming at it late, and that's all right. Mm-hmm. But you should be a little bit weirded out by it. It's all right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And, again, you love this guy? Oh, absolutely. Awesome. Can I just say congratulations to your parents for creating a world that... They should have kicked you out a long time ago, but that's okay. But creating a world that you actually like them, you like being around them. And I want to say congratulations to you for thinking through these things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And it sounds like you are wise well beyond your years, which means you're probably raised well. And... Or that means you weren't raised well and you had to see a lot of crazy life and you've got some wisdom scars. But it sounds like more of the former than the latter. So I tell you, I'm proud of you. Give yourself permission to be sad. Give yourself permission to be freaked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Give yourself permission to be overwhelmed. You're changing majors. You're changing schools. You're changing homes. You're changing your marital status. You're changing everything all at once. And that's terrifying and frustrating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
freaking amazing all of it at the same time go get it and by the way last thing your feelings are your feelings you're allowed to feel them you're allowed to feel them have a couple of people in your life you can call and say hey am i seeing this and experiencing this in a way that makes sense because when our emotions get going we often don't uh experience the world clearly but man i'm proud of you you're on to the next step you're on to the next congratulations we'll be right back
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times, and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist. I think a lot of you probably should too. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. Some of you have tracker watches. Some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, We don't want to spend the money. We don't want to spend the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this. Your well-being is worth it. You are worth it. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
All right, let's go out to the home of what I think is the top two or three places in the world to eat. San Antonio, Texas, and talk to Gabby. What's up, Gabby?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I'm great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Oh, don't be nervous. You're good to go. You're good to go. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Oh, wow. So how long are you clean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Can I just stop and I know we're on the phone, but can I give you a hug?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh-uh, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. You're on day four, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yeah. And tomorrow's day five, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yeah. I'm proud of you. I don't know anybody on the planet that starts and stops, that doesn't start and stop on the way to something great. That 30-day run, did it prove to you you could do it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Well, awesome. Now you got some new data in the system, and now you can go make a better choice next time, which, unfortunately, bummer, is zero. Yeah. Right? Have you gone to meetings?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yeah, I can't recommend. That'd be my first, second, and third recommendation would be for you to go to a meeting. And exhale. Well, and here's the thing. You white-knuckled your way through 30 days. Mm-hmm. And you will power your way through 30 days and you can't change this big of a challenge with white knuckles.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And the only way to do it is to drop your shoulders. And you can't drop your shoulders by yourself because alcohol is too strong. And the reason I asked first off that if you'd gone to a meeting and I was assuming you had not, it's because one of the very first things you're going to tell you is you're probably going to lose most of your friends. Yeah. And I hate that for you. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
No, it's caustic. It's heartbreaking. Or here's what you're going to find. You're going to find that most of your friends, people that you call friends and call you friend, were not friends like you thought.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Let me get underneath that, okay? Your friendship wasn't just based on drinking. It was based on you all needing each other to fall a little bit so that y'all felt like y'all were superior in moment by moment gulps of air. They kept handing you drinks because your spinning out in chaos makes them feel half an inch taller.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Because at least they're not doing what you're doing. That's true. And you waking up the next morning saying, hey, you guys did this. Y'all were my friends. That makes you feel half inch taller. And so it's not a relationship based on drinking. Drinking becomes the medium by which y'all get to step on each other to feel a little bit taller for just a night. That's not friendship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
That's a bunch of hurting people desperately using each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It's not a cabbie. That's not it. What's the real question you're asking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
The real question you're asking is how am I going to stop hurting now that this is gone?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
The real question you're asking is, how can I hide now? So my question to you is, like, what are you hiding from? Do you have kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. Why don't you feel like you're a good mom?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I'll tell you, for a four-year-old, his nervous system knows when mom's drinking. He knows. I don't tell you that to shame you. I tell you that to tell you the only way to do alcohol differently, it's a ghost that haunts your entire family line, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yeah, the only way is to turn and stare and face it down. And to drop your shoulders and say, okay, I'm powerless. You win. But I'm out. That's it. It's the only way. And so my... I hope you can feel my heart through the phone. You're a good mom, dude. You're carrying the baggage of an entire family line and you're holding it back for the sake of your son and your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you're using every bit of strength you got to try to protect great grandkids that you'll probably never get to meet. And so I want to tell you, man, that's valiance and that's honor and that's bravery. I'm just telling you, you're doing it the wrong way. Right? It's like you're a warrior with a machine gun and you're just firing it directly into a wall.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I love the bravery and I love the courage. It's just not doing anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Where is your source of, I don't want to say discontent from, but tell me some of your goals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And so the craziest, most courageous thing you can do is walk into a meeting. And if your husband needs to go with you, then take him with you. And drop your shoulders and say, my name is Gabby, and my great-grandfather couldn't, and my grandfather couldn't, and my mom and dad couldn't, and I can't control alcohol. I need help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Because what you're looking for here is your identity has been you're the crazy girl at the party. You're the fun girl. And the identity that you've told yourself, the story you've tried desperately to backfill is. I can be the mom that I didn't have and I can be the wife that my dad didn't have. And I married the guy that's not my dad. It's all amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I can still have that identity that has kept me kind of held together like super glue and duct tape. The crazy girl. And you can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And they're not friends. They're not friends. Because if they were, They'd pull you aside and say, hey, you're not all right. If they were, then when one idiot's like, hey, have some more shots, and they would say, no, no, no, no, she's not drinking, stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Because they're not your friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And that means you have to deal with the loneliness, and you've been lonely since you were a little bitty girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you're going to have to deal with trust with your husband because you've been dealing with trust issues with the caring figures in your life forever. And that's what I tell you, you can't do it by yourself, man. And you can leave this conversation, you can leave, you can look in the mirror and say, I was too weak to do it myself. You can talk like that. Or,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You can high five yourself and say, dude, I gave it a shot. This one didn't work. So now I'm going to try this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Repeat after me. They. They don't get a vote. You don't owe them anything, Gabby. You owe you, your little boy, and your husband. Period. Your whole life has been spent trying to make sure everybody else is okay. That stops today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Well, there you go. You're going to call a random old podcaster and he'll tell you the same thing. Starting today, okay? Okay. You've been grabbing at ghosts for a long time. When kids grow up in the home, the alcoholics, especially lineage alcoholics, it's grabbing at ghosts. You see your dad there, but he's not there. You see your mom there, but she's not there. And it makes kids insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And so what you're going to have to do is, A, begin the healing process. A, you got to do that process sober, which means you got to go through the detox process, the who am I process. I guarantee you've got a wake of decisions you wish you could have back, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
You're going to have to go through the forgiveness process of forgiving Gabby for doing things when she was just trying to stay alive. You might have to sit down with your husband and say, hey, here's some things you don't know. You're going to have to go through that whole thing. And I need you to listen to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
On the other side of this is a peace and a depth of sleep and laughter and deep romance and intimate connection with your husband. clear-eyed with your kid that you have never experienced in your life, ever? You should have, but you didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I know. It is for you. You just got to go get it. Today's day four. Will you make a call today? Will you go to a meeting this evening?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Do you promise in front of me and Kelly and the whole gang?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. Will you send in a picture of your 30-day chip when you get it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
We'll celebrate you like crazy. You promise?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I am as proud of you right now as I've been proud of anybody in a long, long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
So you seem like incredibly nice. Are you like, do people say that you're a nice person?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Go to a meeting tonight and don't stop going. Game on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
It's been a high, high honor to get to talk to you today, my friend. Thank you so, so much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
All right. Blessings. We'll be right back. All right, the rumors are true. Yes, the modern world exposes us to things that were just unheard of until a few decades ago. I'm talking about the little screens and the big screens and the giant screens in our homes and in our offices, the fluorescent lights, the EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
This is why I'm super excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, every day, and I love them. And here's why I think you're going to love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with your sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
It can help you recover from aches and pains and transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. You sound nice. So can you, and kind and nice are different things, right? Um, and I'm certain that you're kind, but you're also very nice, right? Would you play a game with me where you... All right, take your hands right now and put them over your ears real quick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I also want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney to save 15% site-wide. Go check them out. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Something cool happened. What is it, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
All right. This is from Kate, who was on our show just a few weeks back, about 20 episodes ago. And she just wrote in with a little bit of an update. Well, update us. Yeah. So she said, Hi, John. I wanted to reach out to share some cool crap that happened after I talked with John in January.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
In our call, we talked about how I needed to come clean with my husband about the lack of respect that I've been feeling for him. After the call, we went on a marriage retreat and I was able to sit him down and come clean with all of the feelings that I had been keeping from him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
We talked through specific ways in which I felt that he had let me down and he was able to share some things with me that he was struggling with as well. We were able to put it all out there, then wipe the slate clean and look at how we want our marriage to look from here on out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
While we don't have it all figured out yet, we put some things in place to make sure that we're able to connect every day, like praying together every morning before we go our separate ways, and planning time every evening to connect after we put our boys to bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Because of these changes, our communication has been better, our house has been more peaceful, and our emotional and physical intimacy has been better than ever. Now buckle up because I'm about to say some nice things about you and you need to take it. I want to thank you and your team for everything that you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I know that when you do the same thing day in and day out, sometimes it can seem mundane, especially when you hear variations of the same problems that people call in with. But after listening to your show for the past several months, I can honestly say that you've been able to change my way of thinking and and have encouraged me to do challenging things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I am going back to school for my master's in counseling, and I have the courage to reach out to my friends to schedule girls' nights and make more time for deep and meaningful relationships. I've been able to share your wisdom with others and have seen others' lives and marriages change because of it. So thank you from the bottom of my heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and perspective with all of us that really need it. And Kelly, yes, John, I actually wrote this, so hush your face. Thank you for putting up with John Deloney and his crazy antics. And thank you to the team for making this podcast happen. Y'all are truly changing lives. Now you can just awkwardly say thank you. Sincerely, Kate from Gulfport, Mississippi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Kate, thank you. I'm working on not saying too much as a way to like make myself feel better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yes, deflect and put filler words. So I'm just going to say thank you. when this is coming out and the internets do not like a call that I took the other day and I'm getting roasted like a pig over an open spit so it hasn't been going well I needed to hear that today so thank you very much I'm really grateful, Kate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I'm also grateful that you and your husband laid it out, wiped the table, and said, let's go build something new. And y'all are slowly inching your way towards it. It's amazing. I'm proud of you. Thank you for the kind words. They mean more than you will ever know. Blessings, guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay? And I want you to pretend you're taking off a mask that is nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you set it down on the table, okay? Okay. And then I want you to be... And you probably don't have... Never given yourself permission to be this. And I'm not even saying this is a good idea. But just for fun. Just for a game. Pretend you're a fried, exhausted mother of three with a six-month-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
If you could just speak out into the world... what you wish your husband was helping with, providing for you, offering to your family, what would it be? Let it come from your guts, not from nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay, those are tasks. Go beneath the tasks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
20 plus years I've been sitting with hurting people and the wheels have fallen off and people are just trying to figure out what's the next right move. That's what this show is about. Real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. johndeloney.com slash ask. Let's go out to McKinney, Texas and talk to not so plain Jane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay, keep going. What does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
What do you need and want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
What do you need and want? Stop thinking. Now you're starting to go get nice again. What do you need and want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
That's off of a Google word. What does that mean to you? What does that look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Are you, are you sensing the, um, the oxygen in your marriage is getting thin now that things have changed in your house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. Do you see a man that you love dearly and almost like the lights are going out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. Do you feel like you're losing life inside your own skin? The word that keeps coming to mind is that you're looking for passion inside your house. And you'd almost rather a reckless, and I say this reckless with a smile on my face, not in a bad way, but like a reckless dreamer who is always saying, and then this, and then we're going to do this, and we're going to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you'd rather be saying, hey, slow down. We have three little kids versus I'm good, man. When's dinner?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
So, A, I want you to know you've got three kids, is that right? Three little ones?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. I guess what I would tell you, the first one, first off, is I don't think your marriage is broken, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I don't think you're messed up. I don't think your husband's messed up. I think you all have found yourself where millions and millions and millions of American couples find themselves, okay? Okay. And that is your entire life has changed and he hasn't changed. He doesn't understand that it's changed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And you open up your toolkit and inside your toolkit from probably your entire childhood experience, the one big tool that you have that has solved most of the problems in your life is niceness. I won't be seen. I'll make sure everybody else is okay. I'm going to go to bed. And then I'll get up in the morning and I'll be nice and we'll repeat this cycle. Does that sound familiar?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And then he's opening up his toolkit because by the way, he feels his marriage very different too. He opens up his toolkit and it just says, keep going to work and shut your mouth. And he shuts it back. And what happens here is, is that most couples, most individuals inside of a partnership are hope and pray that the other partner will just read their mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Because that's what Hollywood told us would happen. If it was true love and if the relationship still meant something that we would just read each other's mind. And unfortunately, that's a great cosmic joke that Hollywood played on us. It's not real. And so the only path forward I've seen couples, and by the way, I've seen couple after couple after couple after couple
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
light the relight the passion on fire in their house in an amazing way but it starts with somebody deciding you've heard me say this a lot on the show turning the lights on turning the music off stopping the dance that we're in right now which is he's got a pretty good life but he doesn't feel alive in his own skin you've got a pretty good life you don't feel alive in your own skin
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
He has a wife that takes care of the kids and puts dinner on the table. You've got a husband that loves being at home, loves you, loves the kids, loves having his dinner, and he goes to a job he hates, but he's providing for the family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And then it's real easy for you to sit down one night in a moment of a teeny tiny sliver of that rare moment you have, right, of by yourself, and you think, oh, God, this is the next 50 years of our life. We're going to wake up and be 70. Mm-hmm. And then you sit down and want to have like a big dreaming session and stuff. And he looks in his toolkit. He's like, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Of course. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
My life's pretty good. And so the only way I've seen this thing work is one person say to the other, I love you. And here's some magic words. I miss you. And you have to have the courage to say not, hey, well, what do you want? Hoping that he puts on the table what you want him to want. And instead say, we have three little kids. You have a job that you hate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I think I won the lottery marrying you. And I don't want to be married to somebody who hates getting up and going to work every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
I want to support you as you begin to dream about what your job might become, what salary might become, a house we might want to live in one day. I want to have a family that we go on vacations all the time. And right now, all we can afford is a KOA. Great. A campground of America. Great. Your job is to research it and pick it. Is he a video gamer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Yeah. So he's Xanaxing when he gets home from his family, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And so I want us to play one game a night, just the two of us. I'm going to send you, Jane, all of my questions for humans for couples, all three decks, okay? And the intimacy deck. I'm going to send you four of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
But you're going to have to say, I want to do five to 10 of these cards a night. No screens, no nothing. Okay. When you walk in the door, I want you to put your phone away and just be with me. I want you to cook dinner two times a week. I want you to take the two older ones while I deal with the younger one when it comes to bedtime. And that it's not sexy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And I know that there's certain pockets of the world that say, very vocal pockets that say, he should just know how to, he doesn't, he doesn't. And so here we are, right? And in the same way, He's listening to pockets of not, not technically, but there's pockets of the world that tell him she should just, neither of those paths work. So what I want you both to do is to create a new path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
My short answer is you can't, but tell me more. Tell me more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Do you doubt for one second that he loves you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Do you doubt for one second that he's a good man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Okay. So what we have to do is we have to paint pictures for each other. And sometimes those retreats are amazing because you could say, okay, Let's paint a picture of us at the end of this year. And here's where I want you to get real specific. I want you to, in my words, I want you to choose reality. How much money can we have in a savings account by the end of this year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
How much, how many vacations or trips could we have gone on by the end of this year? How many books can we have read by the end of this year? You see what I'm saying? Like, let's put some very tactical things on a piece of paper. And from those tactical things that y'all try together, let's try to read a book together. Let's try to listen to a podcast and discuss it together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Sometimes couples sit on the couch and they just stare at each other and it's tough. Here's another thing I want you to do. I want you to go get a couple of girlfriends. And I want you to get a couple of girlfriends and say, hey, I'm going out with the girls on Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings. All three of these kids are yours. And I'll make you a list of what you got to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
Or you can follow me around and watch how this stuff works with this one has this bottle and this one's got this bottle. And don't forget this one can't have peanuts. All of it. All the stuff you deal with on a day-to-day basis. But I want you to get some friends. And you get some goals and begin to put them on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
It might be that your husband just isn't one of these Instagram, crush it and kill it and dreamers. And I'm not going to beat him up for that. It sounds like he's a great man who loves his family, who's providing. Would I tell him, you got to go get some friends and go do some stuff, join a softball league? Of course I would. I tell him, hey, play less video games, dude. Yes, I would.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
But also I don't want to assassinate his character. He sounds like he's a pretty amazing guy. But maybe if his wife starts doing the things that she wants him to do for herself, you begin to give him permission. Oh, she goes out with friends. This is what this looks like. I want to go have a beer with the guys after work. I want to go have coffee with this dude and talk about maybe changing jobs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband And I Are Happy . . . But Something’s Missing
And it's just this homeostasis. We're frozen now. We got three little kids. Our whole marriage is different. And sometimes if you're like me, if you're like Rachel Cruz, she's a great friend of mine, it's easy to just get away, clear the deck, and let's dream and plan. And sometimes it's a matter of, hey, we're going to do a couple of small things and then we're going to go from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
What must be true for the life I want to build? And you start solving for that question. And when you have some security there, you invite your wife in and say, okay, here's what this is going to look like. We're not going for, she only hurts me or hits me or violates me or flies off the handle every once in a while now. We're looking for none of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
No, every friend has a math nerd friend. That's you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
What must be true for me to be safe in my own house? And I know if it's happening to you, it's happening to the kids too. What must be true for you to get off your phone for hours and hours and hours and hours at a time? What must be true for us to become friends? We've never been friends. All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been chaos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
It's all been screwed up, and I've been spending more time on screens than I like. I was traveling for the holidays all over the place. Listen, here's the deal. Starting the year off right means starting with good sleep. And that means creating a space that actually helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps my entire family cool and comfortable all night. It's perfect for creating that sleep sanctuary we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in Cozy Earth's long-sleeved bamboo pajamas every night. She loves them. And we both love the Cozy Earth bath linens, and they have the best towels in the world. And I've fallen for their Cityscape hoodies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I love them. Listen, this new year, let's do a restart. Let's put down the phone. Let's set a regular bedtime. Let's get comfortable when possible, and let's invest in our sleep. All of this with Cozy Earth. Because when we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. Right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's CozyEarth, C-O-Z-Y dot com slash Deloney. All right, so I'm a founding member of the get off the internet and go outside and play club. I think I may be the only member. And yet, like all of you, I often find myself at work or in my personal life living on the internets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You're four-eighths a math nerd. You're eight-sixteenths of math nerd and the other eight-sixteenths.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
As a society, we've created more and more online accounts for everything, and we're all always signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend, and everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff all the time. It drives me nuts. And with all this online activity, Do we really know where our data is and who even has it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete.me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace. This new year, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
All right, we're back. Let's go to Memphis, Tennessee, down the street and talk to Charmaine. Hey, Charmaine, what's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
How long did that take you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Let's go to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Tyler. What's up, Tyler?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Like I'm smiling ear to ear for you right now. Here's why I know what hell you went through. And I know everyone looks at your Instagram and sees the before and afters and it's cool. They don't see how much hell you got from family members who are supposed to love you, who you know are feeling miserable every day. And yet they want to project that onto you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And how lonely it was and how cold in the mornings it was when you got up to go walking and how hot it was in the summer. Like, I'm so proud of you right now. I'm bursting in my seat right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Beyond the weight, forget the number. I want you to know that I see how hard you've worked. I'm so proud of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Well, women have been walking away from me for years, Charmaine. That's kind of my thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
What an honor, dude. What a blessing. All right. So how can I help? What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
That's not true. That's not true. That's internet-y gobbledygook. You know who you are. Why don't you believe it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You catch yourself out of the corner of your eye and you're like, Oh, Oh, that's me. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And it sounds like you've read my book, so you know what I'm talking about when I say other people have been dropping bricks into your backpack your whole life. And you've been carrying their stuff around forever. Not to mention, you carried up, when I say cultural, I mean in your family. A whole family generation, a whole network of obesity. And there's no judgment there, man. That's stress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
That is trying to get through life. That is finances. That is a thousand different things. Right? Mm-hmm. And for some reason, it's somehow, some way, one half of America is now clinically obese. Mm-hmm. And you said, I'm done. And so what you've done now is you've changed everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
But you're looking for other people's voices to fill up what happens next because they've been directing every step you've taken your whole life. Eat this. Don't leave anything on your plate. Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding me? We don't do that here. This family – You've let other voices carry you this far.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And what you're feeling now is this terrifying freedom, which is Charmaine gets to choose what happens next. And I'm going to tell you something crazy. There's no rules. And that means that can be terrifying or that can be the most wheels off, reckless, super fun. Let's have adventures. So let me ask you this question that maybe nobody's ever asked you before. Who do you want to go be?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I know. Who do you want to go be? Don't overthink it. You've been overthinking your whole life. Don't overthink it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Okay, so that person you just described, that's the woman I'm hearing on the phone right now. Two and a half years ago, you went on a hella adventure to lose 100 pounds. You lost two of my daughters. Okay, so you went on an adventure. You did real, real, real hard work. You were a person of integrity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You made a goal and a commitment to yourself and you kept it and you kept it and you kept it, especially when it was hard, especially when you got low, especially when you and your boyfriend, before he was your fiance, y'all got in fights. And you know the things that made you feel better in the past, but they were short-term and you didn't. You know how to work hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You know how to be a person of integrity. That's you now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Well, so... You were probably told all of your life what you weren't. And now you're reckoning with cognitive dissonance because you can see who you've become. Unleashed. I think you're right. I think you were in there all along. There were just layers and layers of stories and other people's trauma telling you what you could never be. So here's what this new transformation is going to cost you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Old relationships. Where people needed you to be the overweight friend because it made them feel better about their lot in life. People needed you to be the girl without the boyfriend because it gave them permission to make bad dating decisions. They needed you to be just like everyone else at the table because your weight loss brings guilt and embarrassment to some people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
But if you think it through, many of those relationships that felt safe and warm were predatory. They were using you. And so this transformation will cost you those relationships. And those real ones, the real ones, they will laugh and scream every time they see you because they're still so proud of you. Here's the part that you got to do next. You've got to practice having adventures.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
It's not the love and feeling. You don't like her. Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Put them on the calendar. You got to put two new things on the calendar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You're overthinking it. Your excitement feels a lot like anxiousness. Yeah. Your optimism and joy and being scared, all of that is right. Just because it's scary doesn't mean it's the wrong path. Gotcha. Yeah. Just because it's like, oh my gosh, this is me. Yep, it's you. And by the way, go on a couple of adventures and you might find you don't like one of them. That's cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You might not like two of them. That's cool. Just don't do those anymore. That's when I go back to saying there's no more rules. You and your husband get to co-create whatever world you want to. And for a young woman who's been told her whole life, you just have to go to the corner because you're less than, you're not enough because of how you look, how you dress, the family you're in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
This is wild new territory. How old are you? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
For 20 years, people have told you don't do what you're about to do. For 20 years, people told you that some man would never pick you. Mm-hmm. Are you about to marry a good man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I, I, I'm always, I'm always thinking. You just gotta be honest. You gotta be honest. You're already in it now. You gotta be honest. Why aren't you friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Like he's great. Like on a Excel spreadsheet or he's great. Like, nah, kind of gross.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
But that's the one question. That's the one question. Now that you see all of me, do you still love me? And he looked at you and said, till the day I die.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
What you have to practice is believing that because nobody's ever told you that. they've used you and your love to them has been conditional on how you look, how you act, how you dress, what you do, what you don't do. And then you found this guy that says, no, no, no, no. I see you till death do us part. I'm in. And what you got to do is practice it. Here's what practice looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
It might be writing him a letter until y'all get married once a week, once a day, short one. It might be writing you a, Dear Charmaine, I'm so proud of you. Here's who we get to be today. Tomorrow you wake up. Dear Charmaine, so proud of you. Here's who we get to be today. Write a letter to 27-year-old Charmaine. I went through hell at the age of 20 so that you could have this amazing life at 27.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And let her know what you're going to be doing over the next five years with this new ride or die, handsome pants, grody, comody boy who loves you. See what I'm saying? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Run right through the middle of it, screaming your head off. Right through the fire. Right through it. And listen, you're going to mess up. You're going to fall down. People are going to be like, yeah, I wouldn't do that. And you make, I can do anything. And then you'll be like, yeah, I won't do that one again. Like that's part of it. It's all good. Right. But it will cost you old relationships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I want you to be honest with yourself about the relationships that may have been predatory where people needed you to be the overweight girl. People needed you to be the girl that couldn't get the boyfriend. I want you to be honest about those friends. And I want you to be equally honest about the friends who've been with you the whole way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Stop, stop, stop hedging. Stop hedging. Just tell me the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And who knows what that's going to look like. But I may want to go back to school. I may want to get a house. I may want to leave Memphis. I may want to, I may want to, I may want to. It doesn't matter what. You get to pick what happens next. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
It's when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's actually good for your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start each of your days with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's something called the Daily Minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, Hallow's offering three months free when you join at hallow.com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Omaha, where they make the stakes. Omaha, Nebraska. Talk to Alan. Hey, Alan, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Oh, man. In a year. Oh, in a year. Geez, what happened the first time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Sorry. You're all right. You found out you were expecting, and then you also found out you lost your job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
So how far along is your wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And you're scared to death, aren't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I'm just going to sit here with you for a second. The psychology research tells me that losing a job, especially one that you don't see coming, has a similar impact to losing a loved one. And when you see it as a matter of provision, I want to be a good husband, I want to be a good dad. And it goes away. And especially it seems like it goes away without you even realizing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Man, that's just, that's a tough loss. And so I think most of us want to scramble up and try to go fix it right away. I want you to grieve it for a minute, man. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Okay. That's too long. And I say too long, like going, you got to go get a job at Walmart or McDonald's or something. That's not your career, but you can't feel your way back to your feet and you can't think your way or podcast your way back to your feet. You got to go do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
No, it's not. It's something. It gets you up out of the house. You have to shower. Yeah. So, hey, so let's, I don't want to blow by something, though. Because I think the current ethos in our culture is to blame everybody for everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
If you and me are just hanging out, having some chips and queso, just chit-chat, doing some reflecting, if you had to make a list of two or three or four things that you know you contributed to getting fired right in a row twice, What are three or four things, two or three things that you need to work on, that you need to improve?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Was that a lack of sleep? Was it you don't really know how to do the job? Was it do you need to go get some medication? What do you mean you had trouble focusing? Were you looking at stuff on the internet you shouldn't have been looking at? Were you looking at pornography? Were you looking at YouTube all day? What do you mean by that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Okay. I also have wrestled with ADHD my whole life. I'm not any better, any worse than anybody else, but I've learned that a lot of things I can do on a day-to-day basis, like activity and exercise, even when I don't want to, and getting out in different temperatures, whether it's cold or whether it's hot, and having some friends, sleeping, putting my phone down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Do any of those things ring a bell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Yeah, and my guess is, because here's what I want you to prove to yourself. Most people think ADHD is just an inability to focus. It's not true. Because I bet you get to woodworking, you can do that for a long time, can't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Yes. ADHD has a hyper-focus component to it. And so often it's about value. This particular task before me is not worth my time or is lame or is boring or is whatever. So I think a big question you can ask yourself, is IT the job for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Sounds like you're not telling me the whole story, but that's okay. You don't have to dig into it. I want you to spend some time being honest about, okay, what must be true during the downtime? If I did the projects and I did them with excellence and they were outstanding, the reason is, is I know some, I know, I mean, I work in a building full of IT guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
If you're great at something, you can really knock out the project and you knock it out of the park every time you do it. People, A, will put up with a lot. Because IT guys are kind of like radio guys. They're just some men and women that just see the world and experience it all differently. People will give people a lot of latitude. And they'll have hard conversations direct with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
If you do mediocre work when the projects come in, and you struggle during the off times of finding other things to do, of being a good teammate, etc., etc., etc., then yeah, they'll let you go. Here's all I'm saying. I want it to be both and for you. I don't want you to walk away from these two experiences because, by the way, these aren't the end of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You're going to go on to do some amazing things, okay? But I want you to listen to what these experiences taught you. And the thing I think you've lost more than anything else is confidence in Alan. And I want you to regain confidence in Alan, and you can't think your way to it. You've got to go act your way to it. So here's what I want that to look like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
The thing that is the defining characteristics of marriages that make it are at the end of the day, they're friends. And what I would tell you is right now, um, Can I just have your permission just to be pretty blunt? Is that cool? I mean, if you must. Okay. Your wife's, like, not a good friend. How long has this been going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I want you to feel a little more confident that you went to a doctor and you did something about this. I want you to feel a little more confident that you made something. I want you to make one project a month for somebody in your woodworking thing and give it to them. Mom, dad, friend, cousin, college roommate, whoever. Mail it to them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Tell them some goofball on the internet told you you needed to do this. I want you to go down to the local YMCA or down to a local gym and I want you to start an exercise program. I want you to make a three-day commitment. I will go for a walk. I will go exercise. I will go lift weights. I'll go do something to begin to make myself feel and know I'm a little more confident.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I want you to make a commitment to an hour. This is just for 30 days. An hour before bedtime, put all screens down. Away. deal with that awkwardness, learn to rediscover your wife. In fact, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy. I'm going to send you a questions for humans, the all three couples deck and the new intimacy deck. I want you to go through those with your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
No screens, no screens, no screens. Relearn about each other. I want you not just to do Uber and Lyft. I'm proud of you for getting up off the couch and going to do that. I want you to go get a job at Walmart. I want you to go get a job where you can possibly end up being an assistant manager. I want you to go just get a job after a job after a job. I want you to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I want you to go to bed tired at night. And you spend a lot of time in your head. That's good. I want you to start writing those things down. Get them out of your head because they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin. I want you to begin doing those things. I want you to find one or two guys you can go walk with that will meet you at the gym or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And last thing I want you to do, I want you to do that this weekend over the Thanksgiving holiday. We're recording this show right before Thanksgiving. I want you to write your future kid, your kid that's going to be here in April, write him or her a letter. Tell him about dad got knocked down. Dad got let go twice of two jobs that he liked and he got real scared.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And then write in that letter, here's what dad's going to go do. Dad's going to start exercising. Dad's going to start standing up a little bit taller. Dad's going to start reading. Dad's going to get off his screens and create kind of a screen-ish, free-ish life for when you come along. Dad's going to go work one job, two job, three jobs until he lands another one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
He's going to confront the challenges with downtime, the expression of ADHD in the workplace. We're going to confront those things head on and begin to make some changes. I see a bright future ahead of you, Alan. Little step after little step after little step. Here's my challenge to you. Call me back in 30 days. Call me back right before Christmas and let me know how you're doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I don't know how you're doing if you're taking step by step by step. I'm proud of you, brother, for making this call. Forever, I've been talking about my love of red light therapy, my love for infrared saunas, my concerns about the way certain types of light disrupts our mood and our sleep, the amount of EMFs and everything we do and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment. I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited that we are now partnering with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, kids and your spouse, whatever you got going on. I'm here to sit with you and figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. It's real people going through real hard stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I've purchased a number of Bond Charge products with my own money, and I love them. Red light and near-infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer-reviewed studies, with 400 plus of those studies being double-blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown any negative side effects.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more. I use my red light therapy panels and mask both the near infrared and the red light up to 10 to 20 minutes each day, sometimes more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And I often do this during my prayer or meditation time when I'm sore from working out or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. And I've also recently ordered Bond Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and light bulbs for my home, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Bond Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Boncharge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices. Go to Boncharge.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 15% off. That's a B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
All right, we are back, Kelly. What's something cool that happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
A married pair of Marines.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You said that the most awkward way possible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I was about to say, like, I don't know if you're allowed to say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Everybody in the booth is like, okay, all right, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Dude, that's so rad. Hey, thank you two for being amazing people. When I think about what I do for a living, I just take a knee. I'm like, way to go, guys. And then... How awesome of an idea is a 10-year anniversary instead of going on a date every night that week? That's rad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Yeah, you have to be intentional, plan it. That's kind of an awesome idea. And then, just to get weird, awesome. Good call, dude. Well, dude, shout out. As I'm heading into Thanksgiving break, I'm grateful for that idea. There's a couple out there, couples like that out there. What'd you call them? A married pair of Marines that are out there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Changing the world. It's amazing, guys. Thank you all so, so, so much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And I apologize for Kelly trying to co-opt your experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Now I'm stuck because I'm either going to get like 500 cards and letters from Marines being like, she can stay in. Yeah. Or I'm going to get like three like, how dare.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I have a joke that I'm not even going to make because I like your husband. He's pretty awesome. Hey, everybody, happy Thanksgiving. This show will come out way after Thanksgiving into the new year. But just know that the day before Thanksgiving, I'm thinking about you all. I wish you guys the absolute best. We'll see you soon. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Well, that guy, hold on, stop. That guy sucks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I understand that now. That guy's, that guy's, uh, So for people listening who don't have a faith background, what we're talking about here is somebody who established sexual intimacy boundaries. And the other party, I don't care which gender is which, crashed through them. And it's common to not remember details right away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
It's common to have overwhelming sensations of emotions, whether it's rage or anger. Sometimes it's laughter. Sometimes it's intense love, which is the fight, flight, or fawn. I mean, your body responds how it responds how it responds. But then you went and sat with a mentor and said, hey, this just happened. And they said, well, shake it off, dude. And I'm sorry that happened to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Go to johndeloney.com, that's D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, and you can leave a message, and Kelly may holler back girl at you, even though she ain't no holler back girl. And I want everyone to know, right before the show started, we were all talking, and I said, and I quote,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Were you mad at her, or were you mad that you'd had this... You didn't want to have sex with anybody until you got married? Were you mad that you thought God was going to strike you with a lightning bolt? What was the rage? That you said stop, and she didn't?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You've gotten the worst faith integrated life advice ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Golly, dude, I'm sorry, man. I hate it for you. I hate it. So do me a favor. Bring me to right now. Okay, so... Hold on. Let me hop in here. You have a woman since you were dating has a complete and total disregard for the person in front of her, which happens to be you. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
When you've sought help every step along the way, people have said either trained, licensed professionals have said, I don't know, man, or they've given you horrific wisdom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Which I wasn't going to go there. I was trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, but often Christian counselors are the worst. They're the worst. The reality is, Where do you find yourself right now? Because as painful as this is for me to say, having my own history of having to go through some hard, hard stuff, we're here right now. And the only thing we can change is what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I hope that hopefully I can quit that, but, uh, that's what's one good addiction to always keep, always keep that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You're with somebody that does not sound psychologically stable, Tyler. If she is, she's a powerfully manipulative, emotionally painful person to be in the room with. The benefit of the doubt is she's struggling with some pretty deep, significant issues that she needs some clinical help with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
This particular woman who walked through is over like two-fourths of the company. To which Kelly felt it really important to say, actually, you can reduce that fraction. It's one-half of the company.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Can you be her friend? I think so. She won't even go to breakfast with you, Tyler.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
That's not friendship. That's job interview. Friendship is not not getting bit. That's avoidance. Friendship is, can I tell you all the good stuff? The amazing stuff. Can I tell you the bad stuff? Can I tell you the really dark stuff? Can you see all of me and still say, I love you? I'm in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You can't even hire an employee of your own business without being called less than, without some sort of character attack. Yeah. I don't doubt she's worked really hard. That's amazing. What I hear you telling me is it was so bad that this is better then. I'll accept that. I trust you on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
I think you have to ask yourself, what do I actually want? And then you have to be clear about what that's going to look like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
If you scream at me again, if you belittle me again, if you hit me again, if you take our money and buy stuff that we haven't agreed on again, if you are otherwise a person who lacks fidelity and integrity in this relationship, then you are opting out of being married to me. And you, Tyler, have to make peace. If you have forgiven somebody,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
That's how I heard it in my heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
replaying it over and over and over and over is a choice to drag the past into the present. Yeah. And that's not fair either. If she's somebody who's working hard and working hard and working hard and every time she starts to get ahead, you bring up the past and hit her over the side of the head with it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
Yeah, you got to deal with your trauma and you haven't dealt with it yet. It will find a way out. It's probably your body working exactly. It was designed to, to keep you safe, keep you safe. And you still have a snapping turtle in your living room. That's bitten you and bitten you and bitten you and bitten you emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically, sexually.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
You know that friend that just corrects?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
And you're still trying to figure out how do I like, Hey, how do I, uh, There's not a thing you can say, not a thing you can do. You've said everything you need to say and you've done everything you need to do. The next move is you looking in the mirror with a professional, professional licensed counselor that you trust saying, okay, how do I begin to solve for peace and safety in my life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay. Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so, yeah, I, I, man, I'm so grateful that you called and I would love to know what happens. And, and dude, I have a rule. I don't usually talk to kids under 18, but if y'all two wanted to call, I'd talk to you both at the same time. I'd be happy to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And if you and your ex want to call in and how to navigate that conversation together, y'all being adults, so we say, hey, we're not together anymore. There's been animosity between us, but this is best for our daughter. Absolutely. But yeah, game on, game on. Go make it happen, my brother. Thanks for the call, Dennis.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Hey, next up, we're going to talk to a woman who just moved to the States from Canada, and she is overwhelmed with the state of politics in the United States. This will be a doozy. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, and about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So if you're committed to consistent practice of gratitude, prayer, or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Whether it's a guided meditation, there are tons of music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life feels like it's falling apart. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for God with Hallow. Plus, when you sign up at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Go to hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional and physical health resources.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I understand this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I felt the same judgment before I finally got the courage to go get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It affects their families, their workplaces, and their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So to get started, fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost, and it's really easy to switch. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Hey, please take two seconds, two seconds and hit the subscribe button. If you're watching this on YouTube or if you're listening on Spotify or Apple podcast or wherever you get this show, the network app, please, please take a second and subscribe to the show. And if you even have 10 seconds, leave a five star review real quick. It makes such a huge difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
It puts us up in the algorithm and it gets the show in front of more people. so that more people can start taking these teeny tiny little steps towards being a better parent, a better lover, a better friend, a better neighbor. God help us. That's what our country needs right now. Let's go out to Cincinnati, Ohio and talk to the great Lauren. Hey, Lauren, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
It is going. What's up, my sister? How are we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
If you figure that out, write that book, you'll be a jillionaire. So what's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Well, Canada has a culture of nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And America has a culture of drinking light beer on the lawn in lawn chairs and yelling at the neighbors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
But you also know... That if it goes down on this street, we're all abandoned together, right? So it's a, yeah, everything's open. But in general, I guess we're kind of in a cold civil war right now between each side. But on the whole, I know that my neighbors are different than me. And let me put it this way. My greatest friend on planet Earth is a guy named Todd. He's a banker.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
What does that mean? I co-host the Ramsey show where we teach people to get out of debt. That means my whole job is dedicated to making sure he doesn't have business. And his whole job is making sure that people think I'm dumb. Right. I mean, at the end of the day, and he's the executor of my will. He's my closest friend in the world. I love his kids and his family and vice versa.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So it's just a, it's a very American, like we disagree on like principles, but man, our values are iron clad. I trust that guy with my life. Right. And so, yeah, it's just a very different cultural thing. So tell me how, how you're experiencing it here. Is it with family? Is it with friends? Is it, where's it coming?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So let's take politics off the table. Cause that's a tough, that's just a third rail conversation, especially when you're stuck in the middle. Right. Yeah. Um, if somebody, I don't know, like one of my coworkers is pathologically addicted to, uh, murder podcasts, her name may be Kelly, right? Just, just, I'm just throwing that out there. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
What would it be like if somebody always wanted to talk about the last murder show on 60 Minutes they watched, and they wanted to tell you graphic details about all the murder and the death? Now, Kelly's like, oh, my gosh, that'd be my best friend. But for you, how would you respond to that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So tell me about that. What does getting quiet get you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So where did you learn? and I think you may have already alluded to it, where did you learn that making them feel heard and okay was more important than how you felt in any given environment?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
If you grew up in a culture, and I don't want to blame Canada because America's got plenty of this too, especially in the South, where we just don't talk about it and we're going to pretend it's not there. And then every few months or years, somebody just explodes because they can't hold it in any longer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Or they die of some illness or they get some sort of chronic somatic pain disorder because their body's trying to just hold all this stuff in. What if I told you the greatest gift you could give to yourself and the people that you're around, family members and friends,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
friends new friends in a new culture in a new country is boundaries and i'll echo dr becky here boundaries require nothing of somebody else it's just you stating here's what i'm gonna do and so here's an example tell me what this does inside your chest if it makes you feel a little nervous or if it makes you be like oh that'd be so awesome You're sitting in rural Ohio at a gas station.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And somebody is just, well, a gas station is too easy. I don't know. Do you have friends there in Ohio?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay. So they just start going in. Canada's the worst. I hate that place. They are fill in the blank, fill in the blank. And we should tariff them or whatever. Right, Lauren? Yeah. What if you looked and said, hey, I just don't talk politics. I can't affect the tariff policy, and so I don't get into it. But I really would be interested in how your kids are doing. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Tell me what that feels like in your chest as I'm saying that. Imagine yourself going through that exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I peacemaker. Definitely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
She's going to hate y'all so every minute you wait is like a 401k. It's like the compound interest on her disdain for you two will grow with every minute. You should have told her way before now. Way before now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I love it. I love it. Cause see, here's what I want you to hear. You are not in your comfort zone on a minute-by-minute basis already. So the choice you have in front of you is not one thing I'm comfortable and one thing I'm not comfortable. You're choosing from two forms of discomfort. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Either your mom and dad are going to electrify the right side of your body and your friends are going to electrify the left side of your body. That was pretty good. You see what I did there? Or you're going to choose to not be electrocuted. And you're going to have to stand there in the discomfort of, I spoke my mind finally. And not even I spoke my mind like I took a stand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I'm like, your politics are wrong. I think tariffs are ridiculous. Not that. It's simply, yeah, dude, I only talk about things that I can directly impact or that I can intercede on in a minute-by-minute basis, like your kids, like our local schools, like our family, like my husband, my friends. I can impact that. I just don't get into the other mess. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Because what I'm trying to get you to see is you are radically uncomfortable right now already.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
You can't talk to your friends. You can't talk to your family. And if we have to choose between one discomfort or another, let's choose the discomfort that is short-term that will get us to what we want. And in your case, you want peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So let's practice with him. Let's practice with him. And do you want me to give you a tip that my wife did to me? Because I was the same way. Sure. I politicized everything. Everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And my wife gave me the gift of saying, I can't bear the weight when you come home and dump all of your philosophical stuff, all the articles you've read, all the conversations, all your pontificating about the end of the world. I can't carry that. And so if you need to talk about that, I'm not a good person for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
But I am interested in talking about things that we can do together, that our family can be involved with, that helps us lean towards the world that we want. Okay. So I can't come home. I can. It's my house and my wife's house, and she wouldn't say, shut up. But I don't come home talking about all the research about loneliness and how we're all dying and all that. It's not helpful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I can come home and say, hey, I really want us to be known as a lighthouse of hospitality. Everybody's welcome at our house. Everybody. I don't care who you vote for. I don't care who you love. I don't care anything. You're always welcome at my house. Can we invite somebody over once a week? And she's like, done. How about twice? You see the difference there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay, so practice with me real quick. I'll be your husband, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I don't know, I'm just making something up. I don't want someone to clip it. They're going to clip what I'm about to say, and then they're going to put it out on the internets. I think that American politics are the best thing ever, and I think Canadian politics are the worst, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And we're sitting down for dinner. Now go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Yeah. Not another minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Exhale. And I want you to take your thumb and your forefinger or your thumb and your middle finger, whichever one's more comfortable for your hand. And I want you just to squeeze them together. And all we're doing is recognizing, I feel a thing and I'm on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And let's go one step further. I'll even say it's unfair for your husband who doesn't know how uncomfortable he's making you. Or he actually knows you're uncomfortable. He doesn't know why. And maybe in his weird ways, trying to connect with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so a gift you can give him is, hey, this actually doesn't connect us together. This pushes me away. I can't hold it all. And so I intentionally don't watch the news. I intentionally don't scroll social media. I intentionally don't do these things so that I can show up for my neighbors, so I can show up for my friends. I can actually affect something locally, which is all I can do right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
There's not a single thing I can do about executive orders until the next election, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I can't do anything about it. I can call my congressman, right? I can do that. I don't even think you're allowed to call our congressman, are you? I guess you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
You already have. You already have. And so I... Like this is now... Because here's what's happened is... And bro, listen, like I'm not... I don't want to bad mouth you or anything like that. I'm speaking emphatically just because I've sat with the other side of this when a kid finds out they're 21 or they're 20 or they're 17 and it melts everything in their world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I mean, it does. If enough people call it for sure does, but usually that's pretty coordinated efforts. Right. And you can go thumbs down everything on social media that doesn't do anything. It just makes you mad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Right. And so it's just opting out and saying, I'm going to control what I can control. I'm going to become the person I want to see in the world. Period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So I think politics are blah, blah, blah. What do you think, Lauren?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And? Okay, so you drew the boundary, and you drew the disconnection. You highlighted the disconnection. Now, one more statement is, how are we going to connect?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So I would say, I am interested. Always use I statements.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I get overwhelmed by all the politic talk. I am super interested in planning what you and I are going to do this summer. Can we talk about that? And maybe if you're, and again, I don't know your husband, if he is always, always, always politic and politic and politic, and it may be that let's don't do that little exercise we practiced first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Let's sit down and you tell him, hey, since I've been here, I'm overwhelmed and I can't hold it all. And I need our house to be politics free. I need our home to be a safe place where I can drop my shoulders. And the world is chaotic. My home is still chaotic. I mean, my childhood home in another country is chaotic. Here is chaotic. And especially in the U.S., chaos sells. It's intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
All the media companies are publicly traded. The big three or the big four, they're publicly traded. That means they have a vested interest in not giving you truth, but in selling you ads. That's it. Their job is to make a profit. And how do you make a profit? You tell somebody, the end of the world is coming and I have a solution. I have your escape pod. That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so telling your husband, I need our place to be a place of safety. Not free of conflict and not free of discussion. Man, me and my wife argue and disagree on stuff all the time. But it's not yelling matches. It's her saying, I think that's completely off. Or she says something, I'm like, I don't agree with that at all. And we go back and forth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And I may send her an article and she'll get halfway through and say, I just disagree with the premise of this. But then she honors me by saying, and here's why. And then I get a choice of to opt in or opt out, but I know we're always on the same team. So sitting down and saying, I can't do politics with you anymore. I am interested in talking with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I'm till death do us part interested in talking with you about things that we can build together to create the world and our tiny little sphere that we want to see. We're going to learn how to love local. And be a part of our rural community here in Ohio. And we're going to impact change there. Who cares how people vote? We're going to impact change because we're going to become those people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And start there. And if he says, forget you, then you'll have a bigger problem in your marriage. But it sounds like he would honor you and say, you're exactly right. I'm sorry. I'm getting worked up on this end too. seat connection there. Thank you so much for the call, Lauren.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
By the way, Lauren, whether you're from Canada, just moving to the States, it's probably more acute, but this conversation is happening in home, millions of homes across the country. I'm really grateful that you reached out and had the conversation with me because I think it's going to give a lot of peace to a lot of people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And it's not because they found out that you... were an amazing dad that stood by her. You signed her birth certificate, which by the way, I don't even know if that's legal or not, but you did. And all throughout her life, you've been there. And then you and mom broke up and you've stayed. I'm assuming you continue to see her. You have custody rights and all that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
When we come back, a woman's facing challenges in navigating boundaries with her in-laws. And that applies to all of you listening. Stay tuned. We'll be right back. Good folks, a strong body supports a healthy mind. And too often we overlook how connected the two really are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep changing them to help you get even better. My wife and I use it. Some of our friends use it. Even extended family is getting in on it. We've all been doing these workouts with TrainWell because TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes working out easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
If you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer today. And right now, they have a special offer for my audience, just $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free one-on-one personal training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney right now. That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L dot net slash deloney. All right, let's go to Memphis, Tennessee.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I don't know. If you could figure that out, you should write that book. You'll sell a trillion copies all planet wide. What's up with your in-laws?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Are you the first one to have a baby in that family?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Nice. So the whole cult rests on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
There you go. All right, so what's going on? How are they making you uncomfortable? Or probably a better way to say that is, how are your in-laws taking peace from your brand new family in your developing and growing home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Hell to the no. No, no. Yeah, that's no bueno.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I wish you'd seen the whole booth. The whole booth was just like, whoa, yikes. Okay. So what else?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Yeah, she lives with me and everything. Okay. So that's not the issue. The issue for a 16-year-old finding this out will be now and forever, what else are they lying about? If they lied about something this big, is God real? Is sleeping around really that bad? You know what I'm saying? They'll question everything you've ever taught her, values-wise. This is a big one. This is a big one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So my big question is, where is your husband in all this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Yeah. And then he married you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so I get, man, peacekeeping keeps you safe when you're a kid, 100%. And if you grow up in a family business and a family compound and a family farm and a family everything, and this is what we do and this is how we do it, peacekeeping is a survival mechanism. So I honor your husband. Good for him. He did what he had to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
But then he looked at you and held both your hands and looked in your eyes and said, till death do us part. And that was the day he broke away from having to prop up emotionally immature parents. And he said, I choose you. And that means the peacekeeping days are over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Now it's honoring your wife and honoring your wife is not sending vague gray messages to in-laws because now they have another avenue and it's you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And you're having to carry all this stuff now. And so here, I mean, it's as simple as this. It's as simple as your husband telling his parents, does he work at this family compound too? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Because if he's a person that does gray with them, he probably does gray with you too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And I say this all the time on the show. This is a real life example. The things you did as a kid to keep you safe will destroy your marriages. And so he probably tells you pretty often. Yeah. Like you're like, Hey, I really want to go to the beach. And he's like, yeah, let's, let's check that out. He's not going to the beach. And he just buys himself some time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And then kind of slowly it fades away and you're like, well, he's not really interested and I'm probably pushing too much. We may not have the money this time. And so you live in a perpetual state of disappointment. And then here's what I don't like about that kind of gray, just is you think something's wrong with you. And then somebody comes along and says, you will be here for Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
You're like, yes, ma'am. Even though you hate it. Does that sound familiar? Or tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So I guess it's very similar to a previous caller we just had. You're in a state of discomfort. And if you ask your husband...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
if you tell him that you need him to be more decisive and more instructive with his family, and more importantly, that you wanna get away with him and decide together the kind of life y'all want to build, and you need him to take the lead with his family when it comes to boundaries and no more wishy-wash and no more gray, and by the way, you're doing it to me too, that's gonna be uncomfortable also, fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So you're choosing either a discomfort over here or discomfort over here. But most of the time when we don't have these hard conversations in our marriage, we think it's because we don't want to become uncomfortable. And I always want to point out with a couple, you're uncomfortable now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Let's choose the discomfort that's going to get us to the place where we want to be. And also, he needs the freedom to say, I want to be with my family every holiday, every Christmas. And you can say that I'm going to murder you to death, right? Don't do that. Don't kill him. Do you think he actually wants to be there and he's kind of just quietly gaslighting you a little bit?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Or is he just sick of the whole thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay. So that's, that's what I was getting at because here's where the trend, tell me if the trend is wrong. All my family's there. Let's just move to this town. It'll be fine. We'll have our own place. I'm not even done training yet. I'm not going to work there, but let's just move here so we can kind of be in the vicinity. So first kid and all that. And you're like, okay. And then it's,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
This is crazy. They said that I could just come, I could join the business and they're going to pay me X. I'm not going to do that, but man. And then it's this slow, it's almost like he knows where he's going to end up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And he's just trying to slowly wear the edge off of you so he can ultimately get where he wants to be. And who does that? His mom. He's just running the script that he knows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so how long have you all been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay. Can I tell you, this isn't crazy for marriages. This is pretty normal. Where two people get together, you have a kid, and then you both start running the scripts that you know. Or in my language, you start living into the pictures you just anticipated for your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And he probably has a picture of his parents are loving grandparents and that he works at the family business and he takes it over one day and he's a bajillionaire and you get to live the life that his mom lives, lived and on and on. And you have another picture of what you want this thing to look like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
It's less about, I mean, it is a big deal. She's going to want to know, who am I? Who's my real dad? But you have to understand, she's built a foundation. Her whole world rests on, I'm half this guy, Dennis, and half my mom. And when she finds out that she's half of a mystery person at 16, dude, that is psychologically unmooring. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so what y'all need to do is sit down and be very honest with each other about the pictures of what you want your life to look like. And that usually is a challenging conversation, but man, it can be the most awesome gift to your family, to you and to him. So as I'm talking, tell me where you have a point of pause. Tell me what it is. What are you worried about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So you're just going to crush yours?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls about your marriage. your relationships, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love, love to have you on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Because I think the real magic here is figuring out, is there a way you can have the peace in your home and the laughter and the joy in your home without worrying that your mother-in-law is going to come take your kid out of school without you knowing? Mm-hmm. Or can he have the life he wants and have two or three really uncomfortable years learning...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
that it was never his job to prop up his mother and her emotional dysregulation. That was not his job. It is his job to fully and wholly love his wife and his kids. And that's gonna be a tough shift for him. That's hard. I mean, and I wouldn't, it's not an Instagram post. That's not a switch you flip. That's something you practice. It's very hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Because his mom will text him and say like, you're breaking my heart. You're taking my grandbaby away. This Christmas feels useless that you, since you walked out, she'll do stuff like that. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay. So he's going to have to learn that that's not his job. And most people in that level of dysfunction need a professional. And so here's the easiest way to enter into this conversation. And I kind of love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
When you don't know what to do next, I'm a big believer in getting somebody you trust and somebody you care about who will be honest with you and still love you and dumping the whole box on the table. What does that mean? Honey, how old's your little baby?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay. Honey, we have a four month old. In four months, you're about to be done. And I'm counting down the days because I'm terrified of what comes next. What do you mean? Because I feel like I cannot, I don't want to build a life where you're a part of this family cult. Because the next step, by the way, Ann, is y'all are moving onto that property. You know that and I do too. You do. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And he already has the plot picked out. His mom's already said, well, this is going to be for y'all if you ever want to come. And dad's like, we'll give you a great deal on it. I'll even get the down payment. That's already in the works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so you can say, I feel like this is the future. And I'm already grieving that that's going to be my life. And all things on the table, we have an opportunity to move. And you are so invested in propping up your mom. Not honoring and loving her, but being her therapist, being her support pet. that I feel like I'm going to break your heart by wanting us to move away, and I feel stuck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So instead of talking about family business and moving into the family compound and moving away, what if we first cleared the deck and said, what do we want our house to look like and feel like? Financially, emotionally, romantically, how many kids? If we could shake one of those eight balls, how many kids do we want to have? What do we want it to feel like when you walk in every day?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And then let's go from there. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And if he looks at you and says, all right, all cards on the table, I'm moving on to that property. This is what we do. Then you, Ann, have to deal in that reality. Because right now, you're kind of avoiding reality a little bit, and he's kind of avoiding reality a little bit. Everybody's playing the gray game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but he's going to work at the family business and move y'all onto the plot. And you don't want to hurt his feelings, but you're moving away back to where y'all were. And that's when you get a car wreck down the road.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So step one, write down where you feel trapped. And what I've heard you say is I feel trapped that this is going to be our end result. And I've told you since I married you, I didn't want this to be our end result. And I feel trapped that your mother-in-law is dictating my life, our life, and that we're just property in her little chess game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And I feel trapped that if I move us away, you're going to be so devastated that you're going to resent me forever. That's one of the traps I heard. And just go down a list, write these traps out, and then honor him by sitting down and loving him enough to be honest and say, I see a train wreck coming for us, and I want to slow the whole train down so that we don't crash.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And that to me, I think, is the scariest, most vulnerable, but most honest and loving thing partners can do for each other. I see a train wreck coming. And the thing you do with your parents, I feel like you're doing with me. And by the way, I'm participating too. I married you, not your mom. Go make it happen. And I know it's a scary, scary conversation. Again, I always offer this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I'm happy to talk to both of you. Um, if y'all want to do a session with me by together, I'll do a session with you guys for an hour. If y'all want to do that, we'll record it. That'd be fun. Um, or if he wants to call, how do you do this? He wants to choose you over mom. He didn't know how I'm happy to talk to him there, but I'd love to hear how this conversation went.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Holler back, uh, went, how this conversation went, holler back at us and let me know. Um, Because, by the way, millions and millions of people are going through this exact thing right now. And so your vulnerability and bravery is going to help a whole bunch of people, Ann. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, gang, we'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I don't say ruined, no. What will ruin it is if she finds out her parents lied to her her whole life. The trauma here is the dishonesty, not that you stepped up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading a whole bunch of creepy people back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a PH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Delete.me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they even start, and take control of your digital privacy with Delete.me. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney for 20% off their annual plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. All right, Kelly, something rad happened. What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Okay, pause real quick. This weekend, I did an event with Stephen Bargatze, Nate's dad, the magician. By the way... If you ever have a chance to see Steven Borghese in your town, you have to go. He is next level magician. I haven't laughed that hard. He's so, it was just amazing. But he was making fun of me from stage and he was like, Ooh, a grown man that says rad. You think that makes you cool?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
It doesn't. It's embarrassing. Like, man, he let me have it for saying rad. And just when I said rad just now, I was like, all right, I'm too old to say rad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Oh, dude, it was ruthless. Even more now. All right, so Kelly, something neat is going on. I don't know what to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Something really remarkable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I'm trying to say an old, middle-aged thing to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so, yeah, dude, because here's the thing. She's going to find out. She's going to do a DNA test. She's going to have to fill out questionnaires about health history. I mean, and by the way, does her bio dad know she exists?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Oh my gosh. Oh, caught me on the wrong day. I'm about to get choked up. What was her name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Christina from St. Louis. I'm not even going to say anything else other than that's amazing. And you've created a legacy for a grieving husband and a grieving kid and for you and your family because you entered into that hard conversation. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah. Well, that was a blessing, man. I appreciate that one. That was a really great letter. Thank you so much for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Kind of like the theme of the show today is... head into the hard conversation. If you're not having a hard conversation, you're already miserable. If you have a hard conversation, that's miserable. It's hard. So you're just choosing your heart. You're choosing which misery you, a path you want to take.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And I'm always going to take the one that's going to be short term that is going to get me to where I want to go and not just stay in the dance forever. So thank y'all so much for checking out the show. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. And I'll see you next time. Peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Bro, I would find that out because if I had a daughter that some other dude swooped in and signed the birth certificate and mom didn't tell me, I would sue you guys to the moon and back. I would sue everybody to the moon and back. I don't know if this guy's like that because she has... Bro, you tell me... I find that I have a 16-year-old daughter that I didn't know and that y'all hid it from me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I will become a very different person very quickly. Maybe not. Maybe he's a total... Just a bum and whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Yeah, exactly. I mean, imagine if your ex-wife was pregnant with your kid and you didn't know it and you have some son out there and she meets some other guy. She has him sign the birth certificate. Imagine, dude. Yeah. And I don't want to jump to too many conclusions, but I always want to look at, I guess the best evidence I have is the evidence right in front of me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
This is real people all over the globe going through all kinds of challenges in their houses, in their own hearts and minds, in their relationships, at work, wherever you got stuff going on. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. So go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And if a mom would try to convince you that we need to keep this from our daughter, a thing that will 100% be found out, Yes. There is no way to hide this indefinitely. That tells me she's willing to not tell the truth about anything that might make anybody else uncomfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so what I would look at is, if she's capable of this, then she might be capable of not have ever told, telling that other guy that she was pregnant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I don't care about the diagnostic term. Is she somebody who doesn't tell the truth?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So dude, okay. So I'm jumping in here. Sorry. What's your question? Are you asking, should you tell her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I would tell your ex, this is happening, period. Okay. The best possible scenario for your daughter is you and her mother tell her together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
That's exactly right. The best possible outcome for your daughter is that y'all get in a room and say, we held this from you. We did the best we could with what we thought was right. And now we've learned that we were wrong and we are sorry. And we messed this thing up. And you be very clear about, I wasn't involved in making you, but I got here as soon as I could.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And I didn't tell you early, but please, the best you can, let my actions speak louder than my words. I am your dad and you are my daughter. Yeah. But if I'm her, the very first thing I'm going to say is y'all lied to me. The very next thing I'm going to ask is, does he even know I exist?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And then if I'm her, I'm going to do everything I can now, but probably her mom's going to force her to wait until she's 18. I'm going to find that guy and find out if he knows. Period. I mean, who wouldn't want to know, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Yeah, that's it. And so at some point, you're going to be a part of helping her find out, quote unquote, who she truly is genetically, right? Right. You're going to be a part of that or you're going to send her out on her own. And it's important to know that. Right. And kids can go through, all of us can go through tons of stuff. We just can't go through it alone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And so if you really want to be, really want to provide, like basically you are pulling out the rug under your daughter. If you want to try to put another rug underneath her is to say, I'll be a part of helping you find him if you're interested in that one day. I like that. I'll walk alongside you. But you look at her and you say, I will always be your dad. Period. I will always love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
and fill out the form, and we will hollabackerel at you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to my hometown, H-Town, and talk to Dennis. What's up, Dennis? Hey, John. How you doing? I'm good, brother. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
You've seen me show up for you for 16 years. I showed up for you before I even met you. And my truest hope for you and especially for her is that her bio dad, and this is going to sound awful for me to say, that her bio dad knew everything your ex was pregnant and he bailed on her and ran off and said, I don't want anything to do with this kid. I don't want you to abort this kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
I don't want anything to do with this kid. And then you stepped in. That would be best case scenario for this 16-year-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
What makes you think that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And I guess what I want you to hear me saying is in every way possible, I want this sweet 16-year-old girl whose world is about to get turned upside down, that when she feels like she is in a free fall, that at the very worst, you are free falling with her. At the very best, you're going to be free falling, but don't ever forget, I've got you. You're anchored in. You know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
So in a perfect world, this starts at like four or five. Okay. Age four or five with that sentiment. I wasn't there when you were made, but I got here as soon as I could. And from the age of three, four, five, whatever age those conversations start coming up, she always knows, I picked you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And remember when she was four or five and trying to fight you on everything and trying to establish boundaries and all that, like all four or five and nine, 10 and 13 year olds do. The common refrain is I picked you. Right. I wish I'd, I wish I'd known all that. I know. I know. And that's why I'm not beating you up, but it's that old Maya Angelou quote, like do the best you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And then when you find out different, you do better. Right. And so here you are, you're faced with a really tough situation. Um, From the few things you've told me about your ex, I am doubling and tripling down on my relationship with this young little girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And you can tell your ex, you can be with us, but we're going forward this way because this little girl deserves to know the truth about her life, the truth about how loved she is, the truth about truth. She deserves to know all that. And that conversation for a 16-year-old, 16-year-olds are smart. They get it. They're aware.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
They're not emotionally mature, but they get stuff in really big ways, often underestimated by adults. But you sit down and the first thing you say is, I'm about to dump your world upside down. And I thought I was doing right. And I'm so, so sorry. But today starts me doing right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
It's terrifying. Yeah. And expect her to lose her mind. Expect your ex to say all the right things. And your 16-year-old to say, screw you, dad. I want to go live with her. Expect all that. It's going to be a ping pong match of emotions for her because her whole world's getting dumbed upside down. I mean, just think for a second, like her dad's not her dad. I mean, I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
Her dad is not her father.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
It's just tough. Just tough. But yeah, your ex is out to lunch on let's just don't tell her. That's madness. That is a way to get that kid to cut y'all off forever and rightfully so. I mean, you can go back and listen to some of my shows. I've had people call in when they say like, hey, I found out somebody gave me 23andMe when I was 25 or 21. I found out my dad's not my dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
And it just ripples through their entire life, through their marriages, through their kids. It just becomes one of those things. It sets their family tree on fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
There you go, man. It sounds like you're a good man, dude. What about your 13-year-old? Is she a bio daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Tell My Teen Daughter I’m Not Her Father?
You get what I'm saying? Yeah, I get you. She's 13. I don't... 13s are just a ball of emotions and hormones and energy and data and facts flying at them a thousand miles an hour. There's still a human being trying to sense the world in the dark. And so I never would have gone looking. 100% you would go looking. even if it's just to find out your cancer risk for crying out loud, right? She would.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If this was a, if your wife had terminal cancer, there's the heartbreak, oh my gosh, I'm gonna be a single dad, there's all that. But then there's the, how much does a burial cost? How are we gonna get invitations? Like all the nuts and bolts, the business parts. Write those questions down. How do I get somebody off of a mortgage? Do I have to split up my 401?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I want you to write yourself a letter to 55-year-old Dave. Okay. I don't want you to apologize to him because you thought your life was going to look different. I want you to tell him I'm sorry. I don't want you to tell him the things that you committed to doing the day you found out your life was no longer what it once was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And what you're doing is you're putting kind of like a budget on your spending. You're putting boundaries on your grief. I'm about to go into the pit of hell, but I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go in the pit of despair, and I'm not going to just live on internet porn. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm sorry. Thank you. Will you call me anytime? I will. Thank you. All right, brother. Blessings to you, man. All right. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, I was born and raised in Texas, and I love the myth of the lone cowboy, the guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves problems all by him or herself. It's a fun story, and it's a lie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
In a society that's obsessed with your diet, your workout, your mental health, your job, and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone. Whether you're introverted, extroverted, or whatever internet-based relationship style you want to give yourself, we all have to have a community and a support system to do life with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Good folks, it's time to shift the focus from doing it all by ourself to knowing that we can only be well and whole when we ask for help. Therapy can be a great source of support for any area of your life. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it can fit in your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start to build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish this wasn't the case. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives exist on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email address to random companies who then turn around and sell those email addresses to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I looked at the reports my friends at Delete.me have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Is this a grenade pin that she pulled out of nowhere? Or have y'all been struggling? Has she been struggling personally? What's the challenge?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
All right, let's go out to Sasquatchian. Is that how you say that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Sasquatchland. sure go with that Sasquatch Obi-Wan Kenobi Canada and talk to Ryan what's up Ryan hey Dr. John what's up brother not much I've I've heard worse pronunciations of that I would break your heart to tell you I taught geography for a few years for high school kids I was what was wrong with the Texas education system, but such it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I don't know how to pronounce. Okay, that's all good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What's... I was going to ask you, is she an adult film star, but that would probably be inappropriate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay, tell me what she does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So she's dedicated her life to caring about everyone but you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That's what ministries and nonprofits will do to you. They'll take every spare ounce of time and energy and hope and blood and guts you have. That's exactly right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What does she get from, she's probably working 90 hours a week, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I don't care about that. I don't care about any of that. No, I don't care about that. What, what, what, what is, what is this workload and this external caring brings her something?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What is it about this life that you are resenting and you're bitter about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm sorry. Me too. What I'm going to say next is not popular, and it's just real as I can possibly be. Is that okay? What in the world is going on in your life today? In your head, in your chest, in your relationships. I'm John Deloney, and I'm the host of The Dr. John Deloney Show, and I'm so grateful that you are with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Why haven't you sat down and told your wife across the table, I miss you and I'm doing life by myself and I don't like the life that I'm creating by myself?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Have you talked about that or have you talked about issues?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Those are distractions. I miss my wife. I agreed to build something together with you, not to be a personal assistant. Well, you ran off and saved other people's lives. Or we both went all in, all hands on deck when this job was eight to five. Now the job's changed. Now we have to reimagine our marriage because a huge part of our life has shifted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And let's just be honest about that shift and call it is what it is. And let's make decisions from there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So you're lying to your wife to protect her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Because here's what she feels. She knows you've got secrets. She doesn't know what they are. And the way she protects herself from the growing gap in your house. It's a dance, right? She creates this gap by working 85 hours a week. She gets tons of high fives and people looking at her with tear-filled eyes. You saved the day. You saved my marriage. You saved my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
She's just tired with her lot in life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You fed our families, whatever her nonprofits are. And you have ministry is just like a vampire, dude. People want everything from everybody all the time. But there's immediate feedback. And there's always a problem to solve. And home can feel boring. Home can feel purposeless. And when she does come home, she's got a husband that's keeping a big secret.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And in a weird way, you're as out on the marriage as she is. Does that make sense? She's out physically, but you're out emotionally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So you can – here's the thing. You can choose to tell the truth and you can choose to do it in a way that you're not a jerk and you're not an immature idiot. All that can be the same. And if you go into the conversation, I say this all the time, if you use I statements, not you statements. So what does that mean? If you all sit down and you say, hey, we have to have a or what meeting. What?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What are you talking about? Oh, Ryan, this again. Hey, our marriage is almost over. What? We need to talk now. This weekend, eight o'clock in the morning on Saturday. I've got childcare already set up. We're having this conversation. We have to. And if you sit down and you say, you've been working so much, you always leave me out, then she's going to go to war with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Well, let me say this. You're the punching bag here, okay? And... you're going to be responsible for the bomb blast, right? You've got four kids whose lives are about to get blown up, right? I know. But also, you know as well as I do, intellectually, it doesn't matter because the pain is in your chest, but you know this isn't all on you. Right? Yeah. You know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
She has to, to preserve herself. But if you sit down and say, I've been keeping secrets from you. I miss you. You've built a life without me, without our daughter. We all miss you. This house misses you. Here's how I feel. However, I don't even know if it's true, but here's how I feel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
that you choose the church over your family, you choose a nonprofit over your family, you choose the, and at least you're putting it on the table. But you're saying it in a way that's an invitation, not an accusation. And if she won't talk to you, then y'all got to deal with that because your marriage is in real bad shape.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If she goes bananas and says, I hate you and I can't believe you're doing this to me, you know this is important to me and you're stealing this from me, then your marriage is in real bad shape. If she gets mad initially and then she exhales and says, I'm so sorry. I don't know where to go from here. Now you got a chance. But secrets will destroy your marriage. No, absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And unfettered, whether you get affirmation from acute coworker, whether you get affirmation from an AI sex robot online, or like one of those, I don't know, online call girls, or you get affirmation from a church and a nonprofit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If you're seeking identity outside of the primary identity, you promised your friends, your family, your partner, and God, which is you and I are building something together. then it's all some form of infidelity. And I've said for a long time, you can cheat on your spouse with a golf course, with a human, with a computer, with your money, with work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Anything that becomes something you worship and chase other than how do we build a life together? Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you walking around feeling self-righteous that you're protecting her because if she really knew, it would destroy her. Bro, give her some credit. She's probably tougher than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Then don't use those words because that's abuse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay, if you do that, you've just declared World War III in your house. Don't do that. You'll lose. She's a minister and a CEO of a nonprofit. She'll beat you. and then you'll just have to get mean to win try it another way using I statements I feel left out of her life start over go to the very beginning repeat after me I miss my wife I miss my wife
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And that doesn't... I want you to hear that a year from now when you're coming out of the fog. That's not going to help right now. Right now it just sucks and I'll sit with you, man. I'm sorry. Thank you. So a not uncommon thing... And so I'm not trying to offer a glimmer of hope. I'm just trying to speak as honest as I can and get a fuller picture of what you're experiencing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And then you can get into, I don't know if this is even true, but here's what's going on in my chest, in my heart. I feel like that stuff's become more important than me and your daughter. Mm-hmm. I feel like you're taking jobs, you're answering phone calls, you're running to late night emergencies as a way of avoiding being here because you don't like being here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I don't know if that's true, but that's the way it feels. And do you see here my vocal tone? One of these ways, and I want you to keep this image in your mind. When you have this conversation, if you go at it in a fight, body posture, tone, all that, you're going to get a fight. If you go into it by taking a knee and saying, we've gotten sideways here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm confident I've played a role in this thing. There's a humility to it. I miss my wife. And it's embarrassing as a husband to even say that, but I do. I'm jealous of my wife and all the personal success you have. And I'm stuck here in the driving line with our daughter. How old's your daughter? Almost 13. Okay, can we just call out a truth about 13-year-old daughters?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
They can be super fun and they can be dreadfully boring and annoying. And I'm tired of being dreadfully bored and annoyed by myself. And our daughter needs her mom. She needs to have conversations with you that I can't have or it's weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So here's the way to prevent yourself from exploding. Number one, make a choice. I will not explode. I will, in my mind, take a knee. And if I have to do it in person, I'm going to take a knee in person so that I can have the right body posture. And I'm going to get blown up on the internets about that. I don't give a crap. I'm right. Number two, write these things down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Otherwise, when you open that hatch, it's going to come pouring out and you're not going to be able to control it. And I want you to mine your own feelings. Are you jealous of her success? Are you bored, just stuck at home with a 13-year-old girl?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Are you feeling weird as your daughter's entering into her own sexuality and dating and you feel out of place and weird and I don't know, you know what I mean? Like, just awkward? Like, I don't know what's actually going on in your mind and in your body, but I want you to be honest about it and write that stuff down. So that it's much more intellectual. It's much more cognitive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You're reading something from a piece of paper you've prepared and you can stay present and it doesn't turn into this thing just gets sliding down a hill and all of a sudden, and then, and then, and then. And now you're yelling and screaming and you're having a fight. She'll check out. And by the way, I think your marriage is going to be good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It's very common to get annoyed, to get frustrated, to get resentful, to become bitter about jobs and friends and golf and fishing and hunting, whatever else, whatever your things are. The real question is, do you all have a path towards repair? Do you have a path, a way that y'all can sit down and say, I'm not keeping secret from you anymore. Here's the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Sometimes when somebody is struggling with life change, with this is, oh my gosh, this is gonna be my life. I'm sick of being a mom of four kids. I'm sick of being a dad who works, like all that. And then you try medical interventions. Then you try going into counseling. Sometimes just trying on the words, I wanna divorce. is almost kind of like a fantasy. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Here's what I'm experiencing in our house. Underneath all of that, here's the master question you're asking, Ryan. After 13 years or 15 years or 17 years, this is your husband. Do you still love me? Because I still love you. And maybe you ask that question. At the end of it all, I just want to know, do you still love me? And then we can start the rebuild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And bro, if you want to have her give me a call, I'd love to talk to y'all both or I'd love to talk to her too. I'm confident she's got another side of the story, but... I guess I just don't buy it anymore when people are like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this without exploding. You can. The fact that you can call me and have that conversation, you can. You can make choices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If you need to do it in front of a neutral third party, go see a counselor and have this conversation in front of a counselor. And maybe that'll rein you in a little bit. But make that choice to treat your wife with dignity and respect. To breathe through it. Take an humble posture. Write it down. Stop keeping secrets. Let's lance this wound and get on with the healing process.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Can I just tell you, I love Organifi. I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they really worth it? I get it. So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or Organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try out Organifi, I've got the perfect solution.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
The Organifi Starter Kit. It's like if Organifi released a greatest hits album, but without the obligatory lame live tracks. In the Organifi Starter Kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and feel good from the inside out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants. It's an early morning and an afternoon pick-me-up without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that keeps you focused and feeling great. But that's not all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You also get a full month's supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation, and supporting heart health. And to make mixing your juices even easier, the starter kit comes with an Organifi shaker bottle. When I started using Organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week, and I think you will too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Right now, you can save 20% on the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney. This kit is the best way to enjoy three Organifi products on the go, whether you're at the office, running errands, or hitting the gym. Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off their starter kit. That's Organifi.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Code Deloney for 20% off everything else on their site today. All right, let's go out to Lancaster, Pennsylvania and talk to Leah. What's up, Leah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So good. What are you up to? I'm sorry. I blew it. It's not Lancaster. It's Lancaster.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Lancaster. Yeah, I did an event there this past fall, and it was amazing. I loved it. I loved it there, but I was corrected multiple times. It is not Lancaster. It's awesome. Good to talk to you. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Ooh. Tell me about your son.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What does ups and downs mean? That can mean everything from he's drinking, he's sneaking cigarettes, he says bad words, or he's suicidal. Like, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So since she said that, has there been any sort of meeting with attorneys, paperwork? Have you been served papers? Or has it just been like, I hear this, I don't want to say common, but more than I've ever heard in the last few years, just this announcement, I don't want to be married to you anymore. But then life just keeps going the same way it has been.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I've had this conversation multiple times in my own house. So I'm with you. I'm with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, I mean, there's so much here and I'd probably need to spend some time with him. High level, you asked an either or question and my answer to that question is yes. Is he trying to get what he wants and he knows how to pull your strings? Yes, 100%. He's 17. He knows what works in his house. Yeah. And he knows that yelling and screaming and swearing at mom is a no-go anymore. Absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
But he also knows that after the mom's still hanging on to this divorce four years later, which means it was really hellacious for you, Leah, and you're extra sensitive to the emotional state of your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And by being tuned into it, you try to take their pain away from them. And on the other side, he probably is left out of stuff because you've been a good parent and you've held the line on cancers like Snapchat and cancers like giving your kids social media and crap like that. And so there is a case like my kids do the same exact thing. Like I'm getting left out of stuff. I don't get invited.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It's like I get that and it breaks my heart. And so the path forward is, A, to feel your feelings and know that a mom should always feel sad when her son comes and says, I'm left out of stuff. I should break your heart. And if the alternative is all my kids, all my friends get together and smoke weed. And I don't know. I was about to like have crazy, like, I don't know, parties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And it's not fair that you won't let me go. Like, I get that, man. I get you're 17, you want to go do crazy stuff with your friends, and my job's to keep you safe. I'm not going to let you go do something stupid that's going to get you hurt. So both are true, right? The second is you got to let this divorce thing go because you're letting it lead you around in your parenting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It happened. Was it really ugly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Did your husband weaponize your ex weaponize your kids against you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay. I'm sorry that happened. No one should ever do that. Ever, ever, ever do that. And I'm sorry that happened to you. The moment that happens, you instantly have to switch in your mind. You're playing a 15 year game, a 20 year game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And that means in five years and seven years, your kids are going to go through phases where they think they hate you or they think that you're the worst person, that you blew up the family, that you're evil.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And if you keep showing up and you stop outsourcing how you feel on a day-by-day basis to kids, to children, and you keep showing up and you get some adult friends in your life and you get the therapy that you need and you take care of your physical health, in seven years, in nine years, they go, oh my gosh, mom's been steady the whole time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And the game you're playing now is not the happy 17-year-old that loves every minute of his life. I don't know any 17-year-olds, by the way, that do. You're looking for the regulated college grad 25-year-old who's calling you and saying, Mom, I think I met the girl. And that's easy to put down on paper.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And for me to say it, it sucks when your 17-year-old's coming home and whining about everything all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So here's the harsh reality of I've had to manage in my own house. If I say no to the current social norms of my child's life, I have to provide alternatives. In real time, what does that mean? That means tomorrow after work on my precious weekend, a weekend I'm not traveling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm picking up my son and one of his friends, and we're going out to the woods for a weekend of fishing and not sleeping and grilling out and having some good times and hunting armadillos. I don't know what knuckleheads are going to do, but we're going to go out and just be ridiculous. Everything in my body wants to go to sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Everything in my heart and my mind knows the right thing and the awesome thing and the stories they're going to tell at my funeral are going to be when I go out and do fun stuff. And since I took away Snapchatting all day and going to parties and doing all this, going to unsupervised things and being ridiculous, I'm going to have to offer alternatives.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And the only alternatives right now, because my son can't drive, is I'm going to be involved. I'll help you out. How fun do we want to make this thing? And that's really hard when you're a single parent with three other kids, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm not saying any of this is easy. It's awful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
At 17 and at 18, I mean, at the end of 16, and every kid's different, right? Mm-hmm. Now you're at the end where you can say stuff with a hilarious smile on your face. We're going to teach you how to date. You're taking me on a date. And you're going to get dressed up. You're going to call and make a reservation. I'm buying, but you're taking me out. We're going to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And he's going to go, oh my gosh, that's so lame, mom. You go, yep, it is lame. But we're doing it, right? And it will be one of those annoying, lame, I hate this, I'm so glad we're doing this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Or I'm going to teach you how to dance in the living room. This is my slow dancing song. Not in a sexualized way or an erotic way, but in a fun mom and son way. You can tell them you're a year away of going on dates on your own. You don't know what you're doing. I've seen you try. It's terrible. It's embarrassing. We're doing this. I've seen you try to dance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
No kid of mine is leaving this house, not knowing how to slow dance. I don't know what, I don't know what happens in your house, but y'all do those kinds of, you see what I'm saying? Y'all do those kinds of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And I, I don't know what works for y'all, but those, those points of forced connection are annoying and frustrating. And my mom's the worst. And they are, they are a glass of cold water and a mouth as dry as a desert for, for a teenager desperate for connection. And you're not trying to be cool. You're not trying to take the place of friends. You can't take that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
But you are trying to give him the connection that he's actually craving. That he's trying to... Like your steak and potatoes when he's trying to eat Twinkies with Snapchat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you know what's even worse about this? You're going to have to ask for help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That was an awesome gulp. You've tried to be hardcore for the last four years and fight and scratch and claw your way through this, and you're going to need to talk to a guy at a local church or a coach that you trust because he needs a man in his life that's trustworthy and it's not a scumbag that would lie about his mother to him. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you're going to need somebody to come over and watch your kids while you and him go out. Why don't you all start a weekly dinner together or a bi-weekly dinner or a once-a-month dinner together? Are you all signing up for a half marathon? I don't know. Whatever goes on. But you're going to need some help watching your kids. And you don't have extra money, my guess is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And so you're going to have to just ask for help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
What's he thinking about doing next year? Is he a junior or senior?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That's cool. I think it would be fun that you start sitting him down with you to do a budget together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Hey, you're 17. Here's some things I'm just going to start teaching you how to do. I don't want too much. You have to. If you want a cell phone that I pay for, if you want to drive a car that I put, pay the insurance on and put gas in, then you will sit down and do a budget with me once a month. You will go on one date a month with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
That's the price to pay. Cause I've got to teach you some of these bigger lessons. Cause your dad's not here to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And so it's cool. Like I'm just going to go straight to the workforce, bro. New this. That's fine. Cool. That's fantastic. Um, Here's what that looks like. Here's how much it costs to just live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So find me a couple of jobs in your area that will at least even pay to be able to pay rent in the Pennsylvania area, much less cell phone, car insurance, and everything else you want to do. Let's just do the nuts and bolts. Let's just look at the numbers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And maybe it's not college, but maybe you got to go to trade school, which I'm a huge fan of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, fantastic. Let's go visit him. Let's go sit down and look at that life. Let's go talk to some 60-year-old electricians and ask how their life has been.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Well, just know in her mind, this has probably been stewing for several years. For you, it's a shock. For her... Because sometimes you think that when she said it, she just thought of it, and y'all are both dealing with this. This may have been a release, like a relief. She's been dealing with this for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And now we're getting into the good stuff. And he's going to fight you every step of the way. Just know it's coming. And when he's 25 and he gets his journeyman certificate and he's found some cute girl that you kind of like but you're kind of annoyed because he's your oldest boy, then you'll know. Nailed it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Can I tell you a crazy thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
The fact that you're attuned and you care about your 17-year-old boy's feelings right now. that means you're a good mom. I'm sorry. The last four years have sucked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay. Is he able to talk about his dad with some honesty and truth now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And anything I say out loud, I admit out loud is at least a 50% reflection of me. And that's really tough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So just the quiet exhale is pretty, pretty amazing and pretty impressive. You're a good mom. And I'm really grateful for the call. If you do parenting, um, hate to use this kind of language. If you do parenting right in this current world that we have right now, your kid's going to be on the outside of a lot of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And it's heartbreaking and it stinks and it's sad and I hate it and wish it wasn't. And it is. And so the question we all have to ask ourself is what are ways I can get my kids connected to us, to friends, to fun, rambunctious, outdoor, whatever activities, but not just turn them over to the internet gods and say, have your way with my kids. I'm grateful for you, Leah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, and more. And you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Go check out hallo.com slash deloney for three free months. That's hallo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Something cool happened. What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Are you sure you didn't write that question in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
So that's pretty awesome. That's amazing. That's awesome. Good on her. Good on her, on her. If you're sitting out there wondering, when is the something going to happen to me? You be the something. Make the phone call. Decide you're going to stop overspending. Go take a risk on something professional. Go get training, whatever you got to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Go find a couple of people and just say, hey, here's the truth about my life right now. You go be the something, and it's shocking how the world responds. That's awesome, Kelly. Thanks for telling me that. That was good. Usually I just like have direct eyeline with you and it's just mostly a sad face at the state of my life and show. But that was, I felt joy there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And hey, what happened to your finger?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I know. You flipped me off so much, you just went ahead and... It finally strained the finger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
For those of you who are listening, she's just got her middle finger taped in a full upright position.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I saw it, dude. You showed it to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And second PSA, if you're a non-kitchen person listening to this, when Kelly was like, oh my gosh, I chopped off the top of my finger with a mandolin, I immediately thought, Kelly, you must have been playing that instrument so hard. Like that's what bluegrass jamming is all about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I had never heard of the word of a mandolin ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
We have these, they're relatively new. I forgot the name of them. Oh yeah, they're called knives. And we just use those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You have a secret bluegrass life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
By day, she's the producer of a middling podcast. By night, she's a bluegrass queen. That would be so much of a cooler story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Well, I'm glad that the other four are okay. And I'm glad that when you do flip me off, which you do on a regular basis, I just see this giant pink cast right in my face. As we should. Hey, everybody listen. We love you guys. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your parenting, your kids, your schools, whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you. Sometimes we laugh. Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we just sit in silence for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for the gaslighting that's been going on in your house for several years. You've been walking around thinking you're crazy. And I'm sorry for your kids. They've been watching a married couple and they think this is what love looks like. I'm sorry for all of them, man. I'm sorry. What I'm going to say next is not popular and it's just real as I can possibly be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
One of my rules of thumb is when somebody declares I'm divorcing you, The marriage as we knew it is over. And we have now entered into a business transaction. Yeah. And one thing you need to hold on to is my quote unquote best friend. She hasn't been your best friend for a long time. Because best friends tell each other the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You know what I mean? Best friends don't let each other starve to death of oxygen and connection and love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
so you've entered into a business transaction and so what i would do if i were you is i would get an attorney and i would begin going through i don't know what kind of financial situation you're in um i would get assets debt whatever we got and i would map them out with an attorney and all you're waiting on is her pieces of paper and here's what that will give you number one
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
This gets real, real very fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And the reality of if you're a dual income family, how can I pay the bills? How do I, I got four kids. We got kids in college. I don't know how old your kids are, but I got coats.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
You know, you got all kinds of stuff. This is just, I mean, and this is where the fantasy sometimes blows up. Because people have this fantasy in their head. It's kind of like when an 18-year-old's like, I'm moving out. You're like, okay. And then they come back and they're like, dude, I didn't know cell phone bills were so expensive and car insurance, that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
But I'll sit with you, and we will figure out what's the next right move for you, for your kids, for your marriage, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on this show, this is real people, man. This is as real as it gets, going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And so I would get a lawyer and not somebody to go to war with. And I'm going to keep my dignity and my peace. And, of course, I'm not going to ever bargain with my kids. But I'm going to put all that stuff down on a piece of paper that's going to give me something to do with all of this energy, all this angst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And what that's going to allow you to do, and this is going to sound weird, it's going to give you the peace to grieve. And that way you don't get yourself caught flat footed. You don't get a crazy settlement offer. You don't get some weird thing and then you're just pissed off and you're heartbroken and you're sad and you just sign something and then it's all off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
One of the questions I get all the time is how do I save my marriage? And I want to tell you, you didn't, you're not the one that ended it. And it sounds like you've been carrying more than your fair share of the squat rack for the squat, the squat bar for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Okay. Do you have any guy buddies you can go sit somewhere and you can just be honest with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, but not blowing people up and texting all these crazy long texts. Do you have people you've gone to sat with? Yeah, I do. Okay, good. Will you make that a regular practice? Yes. All right. And here's an unpopular other thing. Okay. I am of the belief that you never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either. Okay. So when y'all sit down to craft this story, Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
It is fair to look at your wife and say, you will tell the boys you have chosen to end this marriage and leave because that is the truth. I will not participate in anything that's not honest in that way. I'm not going to say you're a terrible person and your mom's evil and she ran out on us. But you will do the storytelling and I will fact check you as we go. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you will tell the boys that you're leaving us because you don't want us in your life anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yes, anything you got, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
Yeah, it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. It is. And some of this is when you sit down with a lawyer, what they'll do is they'll walk you through a series of questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
and it might be i'm not i'm not going on in my life without my kid so if you're gonna if you think you're gonna just take the kid with you or split custody 50 50 and i'm just gonna sign off on that i'm gonna fight you to the end of the moon or it may be this is your daughter and you feel over your head and her and your wife have a good relationship whatever um so i think it's getting some of those questions answered in your own mind before you sit down and see what kind of
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
All right, let's roll out to Arlington Heights, Illinois, and talk to Brother Dave. Hey, Dave, what's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
paperwork her attorney sends you. But the other side of that, your daughter's going to feed off you. Yeah. And your daughter's going to feed off mom. There will be some backdraft from kids, other kids in the family and all that, but that's the reality. I do like your plan, though. I would start in with oldest... How old are your kids? 22, 20, and 18, and then we got a middle schooler. Do they...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
they live by each other? Is this a way that you could take the oldest two and sit down and over a coffee with them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And I tell you that to tell you, when your body does wild things, just imagine a leaf on a river. Go with it. Don't try to start swimming, dude, because you're not more powerful than the river. And the more you go with it, the smoother sailing down those rapids you're going to be. I'm thinking through in real time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If my wife walked in and said, I'm leaving you, I'm moving out, I'm getting my own place. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I would probably want to tell my kids on my own. I don't know if that's the right move or not, but I'm thinking through your situation and I probably would.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
The only reason I wouldn't is if I wanted to make sure the story was told accurately and correctly with me at the table. And so if you think your wife is trustworthy enough to, not trustworthy enough to blow your life apart and her life apart, and the life apart of her kids, but she is trustworthy enough to tell the truth. No, I'm leaving your father. I don't love him anymore. I'm leaving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
If you trust her to do that, then so be it. I'll leave that to you. But I would probably call back. And here's the thing, kind of like a business transaction. You know, when like, let's say your supervisor were to come in And be like, hey, we got to talk about your job and this. Like, you're going to start working later. We're going to have to lay you off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
And you say something like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever we need to do. Right? You get in that moment and it's so surreal and you kind of panic and you're kind of like, yeah, yeah, I just want to keep this job. Right. That's where stepping back and understanding, oh, we're in transaction phase now. So everything from this point forward is negotiated out. And it sounds surreal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
This is your freaking wife of a quarter century. You don't negotiate stuff. You all build lives together. And this is where you're at.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
she said I'm leaving great point yeah so when you say yeah yeah we'll tell the kids together well now I've had a minute to think about it and no I'm telling them on my own you're blowing our life up I'm gonna sit down and walk our kids through it and you can tell I will never speak ill of you but I will tell the truth yeah and I don't want you to lose your character your dignity in this in this in this season same right so if you if you're a guy that doesn't talk bad about women you don't talk bad about your wife stay the course even though she's hurting you in profound ways right
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years
All right. Okay. Thank you. I'll offer this, man. Call anytime. Okay. Call anytime. I appreciate it. Will you do me one homework assignment? Sure. Do me two homework assignments. All right. write down a list of questions, sit with yourself, go to a coffee shop right now, take some time from work, whatever you got, go to a coffee shop and write down all of the practical questions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
They both are awful choices. Yeah. But you keep trying to make it go back to before this happened. And by the way, have you gone to get tested?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Can I just say this? Do me a huge favor. Yeah. Take a huge, huge breath. As deep a breath as you can and hold it. Okay. As deep as you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Five, four, three, two, exhale. I want you to pull your shoulders all the way down. Pull them down like to your hips as low as you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Here's the only sense I'm going to give you. I trust Rose to make the next right move, even when Rose doesn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
No, you will. You will. You will. I trust you. I trust you. And to reduce this to my husband cheated on me, that's not here. That's not the situation. This is a way, way bigger deal than that. Thanks for the call, Rose. Hey, this one gets under my skin. I'm going to keep my mouth shut. Or I'm going to get myself canceled. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, it's Valentine's time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And I don't know why we need yet another holiday right after Christmas, especially when it's cold and dark outside, but they didn't ask me. So Valentine's time it is. If you're wondering what to get that special person in your life during the Valentine's Day season, you've got to check out the entire Cozy Earth lineup.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But you got four kids in six and a half years. Did a couple of kids come in the marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Right now, Cozy Earth has a great pre-Valentine's Day sale for her and him going on right now. So there's never been a better time to experience their bedding, their shirts and hoodies, the insanely comfortable pajamas, and even the world famous towels and bath products. Everything Cozy Earth is soft and breathable and virtually indestructible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Their sheets and sleepwear keeps me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. And the bath products inspire me to want to shower on those days when I don't even want to get out of bed. Make this a Valentine's Day to remember. And if you didn't come through for Christmas, here's your chance to go above and beyond with Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And again, Cozy Earth has a pre-Valentine's Day sale exclusively for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off all products. Yes, you heard that right, 40% off. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet. Just kidding. It's the worst. It's amazing, but it's the worst. But it doesn't matter if I think it's the worst. Everything in my life takes place over the internet. My work, my personal messages and communications, I buy most things on the internet now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
It's where I live, and it's where you live too. And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Or it's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So you brought two and you all had two together? Correct. Okay. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
We even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup online now. Listen. Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the World Wide Web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of that online activity, who knows where our data is and who has access to it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Chances are high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete.me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing exactly what they removed and where from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So while we can't really avoid the internet, we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Individual delete me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today and get 20% off. That's J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Kansas city, Missouri. One of my favorite places in the United States and talk to Adriana.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
That's one of my favorite questions anyone's ever asked. This is going to be the shortest call ever. Ready? You can't. Ta-da.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Is he worried about her hurting herself or taking her life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Yeah. It sounds like there's a really messy, messy, messy dynamic there. Um, yeah. I guess at the end of the day, the conversation you need to have with your husband is, I need you, husband, to care about the well-being and safety of me and your child at least as much, if not more, than your own mother. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And by prioritizing us second and third, that's not a dynamic that you agreed to when you said, till death do us part. You haven't leaved and cleaved. And this is different than supporting parents. I get that all the time. Like, hey, my mom needs help with the nursing home and finances and things are tight. I have a totally different approach to that because I do think there's honoring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
There's no possible way I'm going to let you off the hook like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I do think you help your parents when you can. This is different. This is, I think, tell me if I'm wrong. I think you're being very generous. I think there's safety challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And so I get that she – let me say it this way. If mom went off and did something permanent, if mom went off and hurt herself because you don't name your child after her, that does not rest at your feet. That is a decision 30, 40, 50, 60 years in the making.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And I absolutely would challenge her husband. for having taken on the care. If he has a toddler at home masquerading as his wife that needs professional care and he doesn't do it, and then he asks either explicitly or implicitly for your son to manage her life, that's not right. It's unethical. At the end of the day, your husband's going to learn one way or another
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
that his pseudo control over everything is a vapor. It's not real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And the quicker he can set it down on his own versus something happening and him having to go through this, I should have, the better off everybody's going to be. If I was him, I would start off the conversation with my dad. Dad, you've done an amazing job honoring your wife, even as it's been hard your entire life. But I'm starting my own family now. I want to honor my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I want to honor my kid in the same way. And you and I both know that mom goes to like irrational or unwell extremes when she doesn't get her way. And I'm going to need your help because as for me and my house, we're going to do things differently. And that's a big boy grown up conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But listen, if he won't do that, if he won't have that conversation, your husband, you need to know it's not about your mom or your mother-in-law. It's about y'all two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And there has to be a conversation that he must honor his wife and his kid. And that means keeping everybody safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Right? That means honoring your opinion over things like names and Christmas plans and sweatshirts over his mom's either temper tantrum or it sounds like just psychological capacity challenge. This isn't like a temper tantrum as much as it sounds like true psychological capacity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Exactly. But, but more so than that, here's what you're, you're seeing. You're seeing yet another husband and wife, not on the same page.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And my guess is 15 years of therapy for you was unwinding dynamics you saw in your own house. And then right out of the gate, you have your kid or you get pregnant. And oh my gosh, this stuff is starting again. Because then you're going to have to start protecting that kid. And it's going to be at the expense of your husband, which is really divisive for a house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And then your body will start sounding the alarms because that's kind of the world you probably grew up in. Something like that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Slap it a flip and reverse it, but it ends up, it just, the same script plays over and over until somebody stands up and says, I'm done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But I think the question for you, I mean, the conversation for you begins with, I need you to honor me and our future child as number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And then we're going to go to... And he gets to mourn it. He gets to grieve it. Nobody wants to always be worried that their mom's going to do something wild. Nobody wants that. You know what I mean? In his head, he wants to be able to call his parents and be like, you're grandparents. We're having a baby. And not worry about...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
mom going in the in the bathroom and taking all her pills because of the name or the middle name or the sweatshirt size you know i mean like i i feel for him for him deeply yeah but that doesn't lessen his responsibility to you and y'all's new family yeah absolutely and i think that he tries to um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So it makes it even more important for your husband to sit down with his dad. He needs to have that conversation at that level. And if his father can't have that conversation, a knowing, honest, open, connected conversation. Here's a lesser version. I think I may have mentioned this. I leave next week to go see my parents. My parents are in their 70s.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And I sent my dad a message and said, hey, I want you and me, I want us to go out. I want to hear what your picture is, what your dream is for the last 20 years of your life. Last 10, 15, 20 years. What do you want that to look like? And how can I love you through it? How can I, can I help you with that? Can I support you through that? What do you want that to look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Some dads won't have that conversation with their kids. I'm grateful. I'm lucky that my dad will. It's not going to be a fun conversation. It could be, it could be exciting, but man, you're talking about like, how are we going to land the plane? And that's a real big switch, right? And so I think there comes a moment when every man needs to sit down with his father.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You have to be a grown-up and make this call. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so, so grateful that you're with us. Happy New Year. I hope things are going well and they are going in the direction that you want them to be going in. It's always dicey because we shoot this show a month before. So who knows what the world looks like right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
When every daughter needs to sit down with her mom and vice versa, when every mom needs to sit down with her son and vice versa, but there comes moments in our lives we have to sit down and have hard conversations and they're not pleasant and they're not exciting, but it's what adults do. And your husband married you and he made a human with you. So his role as peacekeeper is over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
How did your conversation go with your husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
His role as husband and father is now in full effect. And husband and father cannot coexist with peacekeeper. Making sure everybody's happy because that means often wife and child need to be quiet. They need to shut their mouths. Hey, we just got to go do this thing and everybody relax. Can't do that. Thanks for the call, sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Your bravery to ask this question is going to help a whole bunch of people because I know this is an extreme example. But I know that millions of people are going through this. And if your husband wants to give me a call, have him give me a shout because I know this is hard for him too. But it's time. It's time. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
what's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And in a relationship, how will I show up and honor myself and love my partner? Let's forget all of those flags and instead ask the question, how can I learn to know what I even value? Therapy can help you figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables.
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My Husband Is Living a Double Life
If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra money.
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My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama and talk to Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. What's up, Mike? How are you doing, Dr. John?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Outstanding. I am at work, otherwise known as a scam YouTube show. It's kind of cool. I'm sure you were doing some realer work than I'm doing right now, but it's great to talk to you, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I mean, my first impulse is, I can only imagine there's millions of women on this call wishing with all of their guts that their husband would prioritize their health and fitness like that. That tells me that exercise can't be the issue. So back out 30,000 feet with me. Where else is she frustrated with you these days?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I don't care about ADD. I got it too. You and I both got to, we have to overcome, okay? Just right off the top of your head, where are other places where she's been frustrated with you lately?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Is there a possibility that because you've mentioned it several times on this call already. Is there a possibility that she gets home and sees how diligent and on top of your planning around exercise, your routine, when you're going to the gym, how you communicate it, how great that is, but how the significant disparity between how you plan and operationalize and strategize that and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
and the dishes and the kids' stuff and the laundry. And if I'm her, I'm wondering, my God, why won't you plan and operationalize diapers and stuff? And my guess is you go, oh, it's just my ADD. And she, as studying for her MCAT, is looking at you going, yeah, your ADD doesn't matter when you're pretty lasered in when it comes to your exercise routine and your time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Why can't you be as focused on making this house? Am I on to something there? You are hitting it right on the dot. She has said pretty close to that many times. Okay, so this has nothing to do with your exercise? No. This has to do with your wife looking at a whole list of things that need to be done, and she's going to med school. She knows that you need to exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
She married a personal trainer, for God's sake. She knows exercise is important to you. That's great. But this conversation is not about workouts at lunch. The conversation is about you on Mondays or Sunday nights sit down and say, hey, I'm working out on these three days, and she knows you've planned chest and back, and you've planned bro splits, whatever workout you're doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But our kids crap 14 times a day. We've got a one-year-old, and you can't even plan. See what I'm saying? Yes, sir. I just don't think it has anything to do with working out. I think it has to do with her looking at you and saying, man, I wish me and the kids meant that much. So let me ask you, as an ADD guy, why does that stuff fall down your priority list? Let me think about that a sec.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Or let me say it this way. You get something. Your body gets something by not planning that stuff. What are you getting?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Nah, that's usually just like, that's window dressing. Why'd y'all get divorced?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Can I propose something just to save us time? Can I propose something? And I want you to be honest with me and tell me if I'm way off, okay? Yes, sir. And I am co-opting your story with a little bit of my own, okay? So that's just my bias. Just know that coming out. Yes, sir. You're a personal trainer. Did you go to grad school? Well, I'm a physical therapist. Physical therapist. Okay, so you did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You did go to grad school. Okay. Yes, sir. So you know a lot about how to heal people, don't you? Yes, sir. And people come to you when they're in pain, and you say, you look at them, and you make them feel still and at peace, and you say, you follow my plan, and you're going to be okay. Yes, sir. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
There is some, for somebody whose mind is scattered, often on the other side of ADD is an extraordinary ability for compassion, especially in a moment. And my guess is your patients love you, don't they? Yes, sir. They love you. And I think it's the superpower of ADHD. For some reason, it allows people to laser on somebody, and people feel seen and heard for the first time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I also want to bet that when you had kid number one, then you had kid number two right after that. You didn't know what was going on in your own house. Mm-hmm. You didn't know how diapers work. You didn't know how to wipe the right direction. You didn't know how to warm up bottles or how long they took or how long pumping took or how tired your wife actually was. You didn't know any of that stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. And so it's real easy for your house to start to feel like a failure factory. Mm-hmm. And you're a guy that went to graduate school. You help people for a living, and there's something incredibly shame-inducing. You don't even feel like you can help your own kids. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You don't even feel like you can help your own wife because she looks at you like, how do you not know that? And it's like, I don't know any of what's happening right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Right, right. And in the same way, it never, I never even entered my mind that a newborn poops 14 times a day. It didn't even get in my head. It also didn't enter my wife's mind that most people don't let teenage boys around their infants. And most teenage boys are, it's beat into our head. Do not Google infant stuff, right? Yes, sir. And so you get this weird moment where I need some help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I don't know how to help. I don't know what to do. But one thing you do know how to do is stay fit. One thing you do know how to do is double down on your clients. So most men, when they feel like their home is a failure factory, they double down on the only thing they have left to do to contribute, which is work. And sometimes they add a second thing and it's aesthetic. Tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But all of those things, all of those things are choices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
No, you're not wrong. You're not wrong. So here's the path is, underneath all of this, is I think you and your wife have to do, and let me tell you, dude, this could be the funnest, most amazing thing for your marriage. The marriage y'all had before you had two kids is over. It's over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
The marriage you're about to have as she goes to med school will change monthly, if not semesterly, if not annually. building a new marriage can be the single funnest, most incredible adventure two people can go on forever. Like, what do you want sexually? What do you want support-wise? What do you want sleep-wise? What do you want exercise-wise?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Why did you guys create like two, two good people? Who created two amazing kids. Why did y'all choose to not water the plants?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
How can we both love each other in this new marriage? Because it's all new. We've never been married and had a three-year-old and a one-year-old. And so it takes intentionality and y'all backing out and it's going to start with you. And I think you hold your wife's hands across the table and say, I need to just tell you, I haven't known what to do and I'm sorry. I've been scared.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to make my own son stop crying. I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to, I'm uncomfortable changing my daughter's diaper. And I know it sounds weird. I'm just uncomfortable with it or whatever things are going on in your mind. And then ask your wife compassionately, will you teach me? And I know it's not sexy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I know it's not whatever, but will you teach me? And then you have to step up and I don't care about whatever diagnosis you think you got. You got to step up and say, I made human beings. I got a wife going to med school for the next seven years. I'm going to step up and I am going to take this as seriously as I take helping somebody with a recovery from knee surgery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I'm going to learn this stuff. I'm going to take a class. I'm going to get online. I'm going to get Dr. Becky Kennedy's parenting class. I'm going to get on it, man. I'm going to learn how to do this stuff. And with competency, For the ADHD mind, with competency comes laser-like focus. Right? Yes, sir. Is this all ringing true? Is it fair? It is. It is fair from what I'm hearing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But I think it starts with you saying, just internalizing, this has nothing to do with your workout program, man. This has to do with your wife feeling like the squat rack that is your household is on her shoulders alone, and it's getting heavier and heavier and heavier.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Is this the season to have a stay-at-home job where you're trying to launch a coaching business, an online coaching business off?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So here's a deeper, harder question that I don't want you to launch out with. But as you sit down and say, hey, I want to rebuild our marriage and I want to start with foundation cornerstone brick number one by telling you I'm sorry. I haven't known what to do and I've just doubled down on exercise and making money and trying. And you're going to get a new level of focus and learning from me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But I'm going to ask you to teach me and walk alongside me because I don't know this stuff. And I know people listening to this are like, that's not an excuse. It is an excuse. People just don't know what they don't know what they don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
On the other side, once y'all get into this conversation, and hopefully there's going to be tears, there's going to be shoulders dropped, there's going to be a level of honesty that y'all haven't had in a while. I want you to ask her if she will create a roadmap to respect. Because what I'm hearing underneath everything is she's losing respect in you. I make more money than him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I'm more educated than him. I take care of more crap around this house than him. And that's a recipe for division. And I want you to give her a safe welcome space to say, I need you to make more money while I'm in med school. And you say, okay, we're going to figure this out. Or I need you to be more present around the house. Done. We're going to figure that out. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Because you feel that, don't you? Yeah. I do, heavily. And the only way you and I and many, many, many men know how to get respect is to go exercise or try to scroll the internet for ways to increase our income.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Is that fair? Yes, it's very fair right now. All right, so listen, two things. Number one, you're not broken. What you're experiencing, what your home is experiencing is so, so common with a three-year-old and a one-year-old. It's common with a six-year-old and a two-year-old. It's common with two kids and one person's just been churning and churning and the other person is spinning and spinning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Y'all are just going in different directions. These clear the deck conversations, shake the etch-a-sketch, like clear the deck. We get to build a new marriage. We're going to start from the floor up. And often these conversations start with, I'm sorry. They never start with, you didn't. They never start that. They start with, I'm sorry. Or I'm going to change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You're telling me like when people are like, I'm just not a romantic, that means they've gotten burned before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I'm going to stop using the words ADD in my house. It's not an excuse. It's a context. It's not an excuse. And I'm going to learn so much about parenting that I will become a laser beam in this house. I'm going to learn so much about you, my wife, how much I love you. I'm going to become a laser beam in this house. I'm going to learn so much about what it's like to go to med school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And I will be the greatest support you ever had because every day I'm going to ask you, how can I love you today? How can I love you this week? And now you're talking about an entire transformation. You're going to get something your body hasn't had probably in a long, long time. That's peace, brother. It's peace. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Okay, good folks, it's February, the coldest and the shortest month of the year. And although it can seem like the longest month sometimes, it's not. And I struggle in these deep winter months. I just want to stay up too late, throw my routines out the window, and then oversleep in the mornings. And I can get in this blah cycle and never feel fully rested or restored. But I'll tell you this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Even the most stoic, hardcore, like elite military guys. And they're like, dude, they love some romance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Ever since switching to my Helix mattress, I'm getting ahead of that blah cycle and I'm sleeping more deeply and waking up more refreshed. And now I'm able to get up and get moving even when it's cold and dark and do the things that I need to do to be the best husband, father, and coworker I can be. It's been a marvel this season because my entire family has been feeling this too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And as you know, my whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses and Helix mattress has a mattress for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side or your stomach or whatever. Helix also offers a hundred night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So here's what I want you to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did. And in less than two minutes, you'll find the mattress is perfect for you. All of my listeners get early access to their President's Day sale right now. Get 20% off site-wide, plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Because with Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. All right, so... By the way, for those of you at home or out in the lobby here, this is the third time we've tried to do this outro. I'm not great at this. All right, so Kelly's out with strep throat or a bad hangover. It depends on...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And so I decided that the best way we could end today's show is, since she's not here, is we'll just go around the booth and say everybody's favorite thing about Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Ben, what do you think, man? I think she has the most tasteful tattoos. I mean, just her tattoo game is really insane. It's on point. Just really classy. She goes to some really good people here in Nashville.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And hashtag, she's also good with the body makeup that she wears.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
It is more impressive. I agree with that. I agree with that. All right, Taylor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
That's right, America. Kelly doesn't believe in the apology. she has never said the words, I'm sorry. Those words have never come out of her mouth. And so I'm glad she's passing that along to the next generation of producers. That's leadership. That's leadership, America. Nate Dogg, what do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Yeah, kind of obsessive. She has that big, like, eagle across her whole back. Just...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Okay, so that's what I'm getting at. Tell me about before him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
The big eagle tat. And she has DH on her inner elbow for Don Henley. She just loves the Eagles. Loves them. Oh, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Well, there goes that joke. Wow, that's why we don't let you talk very much, Nate Dogg. Sure made that weird. My favorite thing about Kelly is, hey, it's all the time we got for today. Thank y'all so much for being with us. Make good choices. Be kind to everybody. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Okay. We could keep pulling the thread on this. Somewhere along the way, you got a very strong confirming message that Rose was not to be trusted by Rose. Why don't you trust your own gut?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You don't need... I'm super grateful for the call. But I don't... You don't need my experience or wisdom on this. You know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You have to be a grown-up and make this call. You have to be an adult and decide, I am worth protecting myself, my integrity, my health, my kids, my soul. Yeah. And somewhere along the way, somebody told you that you didn't know the right answers to what's best for you. And if your parents told you that, I hate it for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Because parents should teach their kids what feelings are, how they work, how they don't tell the truth, and how to ultimately learn to trust yourself. And you didn't get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I know, but what you're saying is insane. That's like saying, like, my bank account, I could see it. It was so huge until I looked at the numbers, and there's no money in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
As we shoot this show, there's like drones flying over New Jersey. I don't know, something going on. But I don't know what's happening, but I hope whenever you get this show, your life is going great. And I hope you are hanging in there with your new new year's resolutions and your new year's systems. You're changing your habits. And I'm just so grateful that you're with us on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
It wasn't a mistake. I trust someone. Listen, here's the hardest part about what you're going through. Because if someone had asked you a year ago, Hey, is your husband having multiple, multiple affairs? By the way, there's more than six. You know that. Oh, yeah. You know that. Of course. Your husband's having multiple, multiple affairs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And by the way, he's using public service as his smokescreen. By the way, there is countless number of police officers and police officers' wives listening to this, and they're burning with rage right now. Go be a bad person. Go do your thing. But how dare you say I'm arresting somebody. I'm taking bad guys off the street when you're committing adultery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I mean, don't use this extraordinary gift to the community that we put our lives in danger every day. We make one third of what we should be making or one quarter of what we should be making. How dare you use that as a smokescreen to go blow your family up? Right. But if I'd asked you a year ago, you think your husband's having multiple, multiple, multiple affairs with all kinds of random people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You'd be like, no, I, and here's what you tell me. I would know. And all of a sudden you thought you would know. And now you, you feel crazy because you think that, oh my gosh, wives know, people know. And now you don't trust you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So I'm telling you, I'm not going to let you off the hook. I'm not just going to say you need to do this. And by the way, if you've listened to this show for more than 30 seconds, you know what I think. But I want you to practice trusting you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I know it is. And there is none. There is zero easy path forward for you. There is a divorce. You become a single mom of four kids with a guy who will lie directly to your face. Who, by the way, doesn't make a ton of money as a police officer, so even half isn't going to be a ton. And so your dreams of staying at home, over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Your dreams of being able to be present for all these, I'm going to be a good classroom mother, those are over. And you have to exhale. Those are over. Yeah. And staying with somebody, to use your words, with a predator, someone who preys on 19- and 20-year-old girls.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
We talk about relationships, your mental and emotional health, anything you got going on in your life for two plus decades. I've been sitting with hurting people when their wheels have fallen off their life. And so this shows real people going through real challenges. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You're never going to feel safe in your own home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
So listen, there is no easy path. That means you have to choose your heart. Doing nothing is going to be a really hard life. Being a single mom with four kids is going to be a really hard life. And the old saying goes, not by your hand, but in your lap. You didn't cause this, yet here we are. And so you have to do the next right thing for you and those kids. And I don't know what that is for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I know what it'd be for me, but I'm not letting you off the hook. Rose, you know. You know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
You are responding to a bomb blast. You didn't detonate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
But, I mean, it's like diet and exercise. Like, how do you lose weight? Diet and exercise. Oh, thanks, genius, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I don't believe in the phrase, these people. Just as a general rule, I wouldn't do this job if I believed in the phrase, these people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I don't believe that. This situation, in my opinion, is not cheating. It's way bigger than cheating. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
If somebody has a one-night stand with a work colleague and they come home and they're repentant and they deal with the root cause of their marriage, I think their marriage can be infinitely stronger than it was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Can somebody have a long-term affair and they finally come clean or they get caught and it blows up everything and two people sit down across the table from each other and decide to build something new? Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Can somebody live with somebody who is constantly, lives a complete and utter other life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
And not only disrespects you in the vows, but disrespects your physical health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Leave a message, let us know what's going on, and we'll holler back girl at you, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Roanoke, Virginia, to the woman who shoved Jack off the door. Let's talk to Rose. Hey, Rose, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I guess I'm confused with you. I don't understand. Are you just in a fog of disbelief?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
The greatest gift a couple can give their kids is two emotionally regulated adults. You don't have a partner who's emotionally regulated.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Again, you're going to have to make this call for yourself. And by the way, don't read the comments on YouTube. Would you not do that, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
No, they're going to call you and tell you you're stupid. They're going to get all mad about blah, blah, blah. Don't do that. And to everybody listening, not all police officers are bad. In fact, very, very, very few of them are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
I spent most of my career working with those guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Yes. And when you sit down with your therapist, I don't want you to say what's best for me because what's best for me is often couched in how things feel. I want you to ask what is going to make me well and whole so that I can show up and be the mom that And romantic partner that I can be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Well, I'll try that. Okay. Okay. And either choice you make, let me say this, just because it hurts, just because it's painful, just because it's scary doesn't mean it's not the right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Is Living a Double Life
Listen, I don't think you've metabolized it fully. Your life as you knew it is over. It is an ash. Any step you take from this point forward is a step to rebuild something. Okay. Do you want to trust this person to rebuild your marriage together? Or do you want to rebuild your life as a single mother of four?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
work I'm just like observing them doing online since I can't like be a good teacher right now I'm getting my master's and I haven't stopped getting my master's so I'm like okay you need to stop okay yeah why don't you take a break yeah take a break from school and any of your graduate school professors um for a season almost all of my friends were college of education graduate school professors okay yeah and they'll give you a break
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
They would let you take incompletes for the semester. Or actually, you know what? You're running up on the semester, so you might as well just finish.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And then I would take a leave for the spring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Or he's going to be wrong. And part of him being wrong will be that you had the strength and capacity and spirit to be anchored in when your husband was rappelling off the edge, peering over to the other side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay, I'm running an N equals one experiment. Whenever somebody answers the phone, I just like listening to how people answer. And when anyone says my name in a long, extended way, like you just did, you're doing something that you know is dumb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
In all those cases, dude, get a freaking master's degree later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And I think your husband won the lottery getting you as his wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I also think there's this weird balance that happens where it's one of those things that every day is a win. And every day might be one day closer. Right? So every morning, every sunrise is the greatest gift ever. And, oh, crap, there will only be a few of these left.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
What will happen as this thing progresses and makes its move closer and closer to that magic finish line when the doctor put on the table is he'll feel crazier and crazier. Not closer and closer. And so I want you to think in terms of we're going to celebrate together and we're going to weep together. And I'm going to hold his arms up when he can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
There's going to be occasions that I'm going to give him the greatest gift a wife can give a husband, and that is to curl up in his arms and sob and let him feel that his strength matters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
It's both and, okay? Mm-hmm. Denying him your sadness won't be a gift. And I know it feels like it is, right? He doesn't need to think about this too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And so I... I got so many things I would recommend to you. I'd recommend keeping a journal starting today if you haven't. I'd write every day. Every day. I would make playlists. I would find a couple of, like, we're going to plan a thing every day, whether it's five minutes or two minutes or seven minutes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
That's just like us playing a card game or us doing something silly or us doing something that's not medical bill related and pick line related and measurement related. You get what I'm saying? That's not in the business of not dying, which is that, you know, that's like this weird new job you all have. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Yeah. You'll have, and I'm being real technical here and I'll get to the soft stuff here in a second. Do you have a will and all that stuff lined out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Until he has a sister that doesn't want to believe he's gone and sues you for everything. And I've just done this long enough. I would at least get online and go to Mama Bear Wills. It's an online will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And just write it out. It's like $30. It's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
When I moved from Texas to Tennessee, before I had met with like an estate planner and all that kind of stuff, that's what I did, just because they don't go state to state. But it simply puts in writing in a legal document, all my stuff is hers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And nobody can sue you for it, but nobody can take it from you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And it might be clothes. It might be his guitar. It might be his pictures. You don't ever know what somebody's going to try to come get. Some weird cousin somewhere or somebody's mom just flips a switch. And so there's these little things like making sure your name's on all of the accounts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Making sure that you do not consolidate his med school debt if he's got any.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Yeah. Don't do that. Um, I think I haven't seen checked in a few years, but I think medical debt is still dischargeable. Um, if somebody passes away and then we're going to fight like bloody hell. And the only way you can do that is if you're whole and well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So what is, what does whole and well look like for Ray?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
You know, I had my friend John King once told me the only reason you should not have a will is if you hate your wife and kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So in fact, it's not admitting defeat. It's building a foundation that we're going to build our house upon.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So it's actually the opposite. I get what you're feeling. I get what you're like, okay, we're going to start making last plans. No, no, no, no. The day everyone gets married, they should have a will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Just because you never know. A ring or a brush or, I mean, you find yourself in the fight for the stupidest things sometimes. Sure. Do you have a group of women that you get together and meet with on a regular basis?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
We're going to make it weekly and we're going to open a text thread. There's going to be four to five women that you trust.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I'm not laughing at you. This is so great. You're slow. All right, here we go. You've been thinking about this moment. You're going to say it out loud. Just say it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And I want you to tell them personally, I'm putting you on my, I can't handle this list. And I want you to make two commitments to your friends. I want you to be honest with them, and I want them to make a commitment they will always answer the text.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And by the way, it will give your friends such a gift because they don't know what to do right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
It would be such a blessing to them. Because they're spinning around you wondering how they can love you and they don't know how because you're positive Ray. And Ray's always like, we're working on it and things are going good. And they want to love Ray and they don't know how. And this is you saying, okay, I can't carry all this. And so I'm going to text you at 10 a.m.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I'm going to text you at 2 a.m. And here's my commitments. Number one, I'm never going to lie to you. I'm going to be honest all the time. And number two, if I need something, I will ask. That way you can lob a grenade in the middle of the night. It's 2 a.m.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
and you wake up and you're looking at your husband sleeping and he's snoring a little bit and you start crying so hard wondering where's God that you can text your friends that at 2 a.m. and they don't try to solve anything. They don't need to solve it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So what are you getting out of this? Because you're getting something. Spend some time just sitting in it. Because you're about to blow up your friendship and you're about to blow up a family. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm recording this on the morning of Tuesday, the election day. So I'm assuming that we made it. I'm assuming that we made it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
But you can say, where's God? I don't know what to do right now. Hey, can somebody meet me for coffee in the morning? And they will say yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. And will you commit to taking morning walks?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. Why don't you get outside and move around? Do you have a dog?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Gosh, thank God. Okay. You are going to be the dog walkiest person of all time, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. We all keep a journal together too, by the way?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
That's you overpaying for something. I want you to get something legacy that you'll hold on to for the rest of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Like a fancy leather-bound something or other. I don't want you to put it on each other's pillows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And when it's on his pillow, he knows that you've written in it. And when it's on your pillow, you know he's written in it. And the commitment is we won't let 24 hours go before we write in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And it can be things I'm scared about, things I love about you, things I noticed yesterday, things I'm terrified about, things I am really excited and optimistic about. It can be all of it. things will get harder and weirder to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. I'm debating on whether to tell you this now. I'm going to use your example, if that's okay, to talk to everybody. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. I'm going to lead with number one. I'm going to Be the most optimistic guy in your corner that this thing gets itself worked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
That your husband's young and healthy and the doctors are doing some wild things with cancer these days and that they are able to turn a pretty amazing corner. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Now I want to say, here's the other side of the thing. Okay. Often when you're sitting in a doctor's office and they say you have, I'm making up a thing, but you have one year, you have 18 months. You look at the person next to you and you think you have 18 more months of that person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And what people don't often calculate or take into consideration because it's their first time is they begin to lose parts of the person that they love. Yeah. Okay. And so if there was a heartbreaking 18 months left, the last two months are really tough. And the last six months are scary. Okay. Here's what I'm telling you that don't waste any moments now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I know. I know. And that's, that's the, if the, if your finish line with him is sooner than, than anyone would ever wish on anybody. I want you to cross that finish line with your head up knowing there was not a single thing unsaid. There was not a single action untaken.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
There was not a single ounce of love not spoken into the universe. And those things unsaid, we're just going to say them. And maybe that's what that journal is. It's the unsaid journal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Do you have any life insurance? I mean, the scary stuff, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Listen, not planning on a worst-case scenario is not going to help avoid the worst-case scenario, and it's not admitting defeat. It's just being smart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And what you're having to face is what every single person who says, I do, will ultimately face one day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And I've had this same conversation with 75-year-olds. Do you have a will? No. Good God. Make a will, right? So you're not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. Um, I know that we often change names and locations on this. Um, if, if people are the praying type, do you mind saying his name? This is first name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
People are the praying type and listening to the show. I hope you'll pray for Hunter. And if you're not the praying type, I hope you will put out good vibes for Hunter or whatever it is you do. Dance in the woods. I don't know what you'll do, but put out something good for Hunter. And will you keep us, Ray? Will you keep us, let us know how things are going?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Thank you. Blessing sister. Um, man, we are absolutely rooting for you and we are rooting for Hunter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
We wish you guys the absolute best. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Des Moines and talk to Hannah. What's up, Hannah from Des Moines. How are we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
How did you find out? She just like chilling at the dinner table being like, yo, you got to check out Pornhub. It's so great. How'd you find out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I'm not laughing that adult women watch pornography. I'm just laughing at two kids sitting around finding mom's phone and just being like, dude, mom watches porn. Like that just seems like out of a, you know what I mean? That's like, I don't hear that very often. Even like fighting dad. It's like, ooh, dad looks at porn. Like, ooh. Most people don't have a psychology for it. oh, dude, mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Oh, mom doesn't even clear her history on her own phone. Like, oh, no, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Help me with some definitions of terms. Are you sleeping with both of them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So, by the way, so I'm laughing here. I'm not anymore, but I was laughing earlier. There's another layer to this, which is, this is something you personally struggled with also as a kid. And when you're a kid struggling pornography, you had that extra layer of feeling dirty and shameful, right? Yeah. Right, can you just bathe in secrets and like and especially if you're a young woman?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I hear this a lot like you if you're a young woman It's supposed to be something that boys wrestle with Oh, yeah, and then there's an extra layer of oh something's wrong with me, right? And so you've wrestled with this and then to find on your mom's phone as a trip and then have your dad Throw your childhood back in your face is gross, dude. I'm sorry Yeah, yeah, um
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So I imagine so. So, so bring me to right now. So you went to a safe person, the safe person blew it back at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So let's move mom to the side for a second. Why is this rooted itself in your soul so bad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I was going to say, yeah, yeah. So here's what that tells me. So you've painted a pretty good picture of the house you grew up in. The fact that a dad would ever, you know what, I'm going to talk about him. Your body's been on alert since you were a little girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So, especially when OCD manifests itself outside of physical behaviors and it's into looping thoughts, you can, you feel like you're losing control of your mind. Like it makes you feel insane, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Like I'm having great sex with my new husband and I just pictured my mother, right? You feel nuts, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay? I want you to let that, like, I'll say it even more direct. There is nothing wrong with you. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
You're not somehow, like, some sort of twisted, there's nothing. Your body's trying to keep you safe. Do you have any sort of abuse? Did you experience abuse growing up at all?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
If like, tell me about your, tell me about, tell me about what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Your chest is tightening up on you. I can feel it through the phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. You don't have to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. Let me say this. If you tell me something that I have to report, I'm going to report it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And my team here will call the police if it needs to be called on your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
necessarily feel comfortable going into like okay that's good a lot of detail but that's good I didn't recognize yeah here's what I want you to I want you to I want you to put your your hand I want you to take an open hand and I want you to put it right on the top of your chest right below your neck okay okay and press there pretty hard and then I want you to relax your arm okay for some some reason
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So what are you getting out of this? Because you're getting something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
vulnerability, being naked, being seen, your body has put a GPS pin in that that that is not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
That letting you, your husband and you, like letting you be fully seen and experienced is not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And it will try to shut your body down. It will try to shut everything down. And if it can't shut your body down, it will shut your mind down. It will spin it up like a fishing reel that someone takes their thumb off of and it just turns into a big bird's nest. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
It's just your body trying to keep you safe because it's been to hell. It lived there for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And the guardian of your hellscape was named Dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And by the way, damn it, Mom was supposed to protect you and she didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Exhale in that. Okay. So intrusive thoughts like lightning bolts, my goodness, they're the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Spend some time just sitting in it, because you're about to blow up your friendship, and you're about to blow up a family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
qualified to talk about OCD if that makes sense she didn't really help me much okay so I want you to listen to me super careful here's why I know so much about it it's exactly what I have diagnostically and everything mm-hmm okay I have little tics like counting locks and checking my doors at night a bunch of times and stuff like that that are just whatever yeah but the main thing that haunted me for years was the looping thoughts that I couldn't get to stop right yeah okay
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. You aren't crazy, but you got to go sit with a medical professional. And here's what they will probably do for you. If you've listened to the show for any time, you know, I want to solve these problems. Initially, I want to solve them with exercise and with diet and with relationships. That's my bent on everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And for me, I let them run for so long that my alarm systems were just bonkers. And I got a low-level SSRI that turned the alarms way down. The looping thoughts still happened, but they were way, way quieter. And what they allowed me to do was to sit with a counselor, sit with a couple of close mentors that I trusted, and begin to challenge the thoughts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And I got stronger and stronger and stronger. And right now, for years, Hannah, I can tell you, I'm good. I cannot describe to you the peace on the other side of what you experienced.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. I want you to consider for the first time choosing healing and over choosing survival. Because it sounds like you're married to a safe guy, good guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. So you've unanchored from the nonsense at home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Let your mom watch what your mom's going to watch. She's 55 years old. She can make whatever choices she wants to, however destructive they are. You don't have to participate in that. Or let me say it another way. You can't impact her behavior one iota.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So every second you spend thinking about it, ruminating on it, challenging it, wondering what you can do is a choice to be miserable in the present.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And people who have OCD, who have anxiety disorders get mad at me when I say that because it makes it sound like they're making a choice. And in a weird way, we all are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And the choice I want to present to you is choose about a year and a half of hard work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
You have to teach your body that you weren't okay and now you are safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
The fact that you have been best friends with her for seven years and you can't tell her tells me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I'm not going to force you, but listen, I hear it on you and I hear myself in your voice. And I cannot tell you how light and free it is on the other side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And it sounds insane to you because all your body can think is how do I stay safe?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And I want to tell you, man, going from playing defense your whole life to suddenly playing offense is such a major gift. It's amazing. And you'll find it financially. You'll find it relationally. You'll find it in your marriage. You'll find it when you start having kids. You'll find it everywhere. And by the way, when you have your first kid, you're going to have different alarms ringing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
yeah my brother-in-law was my friend before i knew his sister and he said hey this pains me to say this but i think you're gonna marry my sister and i want you to date her and i was like this is the weirdest conversation and then he went on to say i can't be your friend right now you're dating my sister and i was like that's weird and he was right but here's the thing like we were friends for 18 months or a year right and so you being best friends with someone for seven or eight years you know
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And the first time you find something weird on your husband's phone, your alarms are going to take off on you. You know what I'm saying? Right. And so what a therapist is going to give you, what a physician is going to give you. By the way, I was medicated for a season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So that I could go to the work. I haven't taken anxiety meds in years and years and years and years and years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. And even if I had to, that's not a bad thing. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
But they did turn the alarms down so that I could go do the necessary work. And Hannah, it sucked. Yeah. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So listen, I want you to look in the mirror and say to yourself out loud, Hannah's worth being well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay. And well for you is going to feel like you're free finally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And you're going to have to find some distance between your mom and your dad. And that sounds scary right now, even though your body knows they're not safe. It's just going to take a process. I just want you to trust, trust, trust the process. So make a call today. You're worth that. Your husband's worth that, quite frankly. Your future kids are worth that. You're just overall joy and peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
You haven't had peace in your whole life. So you don't even know what it feels like. There's just something magic about drinking coffee because you want to, not because you have to. There's something magic about just falling asleep in your own bed just because you're tired. There's something amazing about checking the locks a third and a fourth time and then just being like, I'm going to bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
It's hard to even wrap your head around or not having an intrusive thought for years and years and years and years and years and years. Healing is possible. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life for you. I'm going to send you two of them, one for you and one for your husband. I want y'all to read them together. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I want you to both read them and I want you to use it as a roadmap for your family, this new family you're building because you don't have a map right now. All you have is what you've experienced growing up. You're still really young. I want y'all to use this as a map, the choices that you can make to begin to build a non-anxious and not a non-spun up a peaceful life. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Hang on the line, sister. We got your call anytime. But here's my call to you and everyone else struggling right now. Make the call. Make the call. Call a professional. Thank you, Hannah. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. So, for people who, like, so many people consume this show, like, in clips, right? They watch just a clip of a call and it gets spun up in the algorithms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
But for people who are with us the whole show, a couple things I want to clear up for today's show. One, Kelly, you're super sleuthing. You, like... Rarely do I leave here being like, well, Kelly pulled her weight today. But you found that you found a connection with Mama Bear Wills.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And you hooked up that caller, the second caller, with a free will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And often, again, I want to remind people when it comes to making a will. Number one, everyone should have them even if you think you have nothing. Have one. The second thing is it's often not the spouse. It's often not the kids. It's somebody else's cousin. It's somebody's mom's brother's sister that somebody passes away and it triggers something and – it just becomes a nightmare.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And if you have a will, you're not having to go to court to keep your husband's painting of you, right? Or to keep your wife's ukulele that you bought her. Like, it's just a strange thing that people will fight over when people have passed away. They just, it changes people. So just have a will. And here's the second thing. I think it's important to call out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Like that last call, like my mom's looking at pornography. That was a funny, like, good gosh, dude. Can you imagine looking at your phone and be like, oh my gosh. And I fell into it, so I just want to call this out. I fell right into it, which is I start laughing, making jokes. Well, it turns out I'm struggling with my mom's pornography because of my own abuse and my own challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
You know that it will blow that up. And fine, blow it up for love. Do what you want to do. Here's the thing. You have a crush on two guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And so that's just a reminder to myself to always be gracious and humble with people, especially when you see them on the show or you see them out in public. You're doing what? Like, man, there's so often a story underneath the story underneath the story. So, man... That last caller, she was very, very, very brave. And I'm proud of her and hope she gets the help and care that she needs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And good reminder to me. Don't make my default setting laughing. I don't know. Sometimes it's good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Ben, yes. Taylor, yes. Nate Dogg, eh, maybe. Kelly, no chance. And by the way, somebody reached out on Instagram and was like, oh my gosh, I heard Kelly's leaving. If I find out via Instagram that you quit the show. We wish.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I know. Where'd you go? You're at the helm of a C-level podcaster.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
There's a lot of up, America. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And that's fine. Have as many crushes as you want to. You're in your early 20s. Crush away. It's the person you are revealing yourself to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
as someone who keeps secrets from their best friends, someone who keeps secrets between brothers, someone who lies to one brother over another, someone who's becoming somebody that she didn't know she was capable of becoming in a negative way. And no, no, no love, no love is worth your integrity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So, if you're not sleeping together, and you're not making out with these guys, and you're just hanging out, like... A, it's not a... I wouldn't call it a love triangle. I would just stop using that language. It's kind of just, like, that's exasperated TikTok language. But, like, you have a crush on two guys who happen to be brothers. Um...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Do you like the idea of having secret crushes on two brothers, or do you actually think, I could have a relationship with either of these guys?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
What am I getting wrong? I feel like you're way overblowing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
But you keep saying, what's going on? You're texting him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
What do you think, Kelly? Do you think the world ever hears this episode?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Are you, are you secretly making out with them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
So, and again, I'm trying to just get to the, so he's talking to you specifically and he doesn't know that you're also talking to his brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Have you heard the old thing about the assume, the word assume?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Yeah. I wouldn't assume anything because assume makes an ass out of you and me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Right. I wouldn't assume anything. So yeah, I mean, I don't see a world where you're, you're not lacking integrity. I mean, put it this way. If you had a crush on somebody since August, you've been talking to them, you made out with them in any other circumstance, would she know about this person? Um, yeah. Yeah. So you're like, you're intentionally withholding. It's being dishonest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Yeah. But you're at the epicenter. I would look in the mirror and say, I'm going to stop being this person. And that means I'm going to be a person who doesn't hold secrets from my best, best, best friends, even when I want to go to her and say, hey, I have a crush on your brother. Because I'm... Like... I'm thinking of my four or five best friends that are guys, that are grownups.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I would love it if they had not, I mean, they weren't all in long-term marriages. I would love it if they dated my sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
It'd be weird and I'd make fun of them all the time. But I would love it if they dated my sister because I know what kind of caliber person they are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Right? And so I don't have a psychology for like, that's my brother. Like, man, if it's your best friend, who else would I want other than somebody that I know and trust and whatever? Unless you know, yeah, I've got a bag of secrets that she knows and she's not going to want me around her brothers. Or I have a history of not telling her the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
She doesn't want her brothers around a girl like me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Hang out with a couple of PhDs and you just, everything gets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
She's supposed to be judgy of their, of their girlfriends. No one's ever going to be good enough for their big brother, except maybe her best friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
But regardless, I want you at the young age of 20 to begin practicing, I'm not going to keep secrets from my friends. I'm not going to split families up over, not even over love, over this feeling of I'm getting away with something. And this feeling of somewhat of control. You got some little puppet master thing going on here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
where she doesn't know, brother number one doesn't know, brother number two doesn't know. I'm kind of in control of this thing. I hooked up with brother number one a little bit. Brother number two, just get out of that business, man, because here's the thing. It robs you of your dignity and it robs you of your sleep. And sleep and peace are in short supply these days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
And so I'm optimizing not for the best interest rate. I'm not optimizing for the best. How is this going to feel max? I am optimizing for peace, period. But yeah, I'd have that conversation and I'd do it today because it's eating you alive. And then I'd have a conversation with both of the brothers and say, y'all don't know this. I've been talking to both of you and I'm sorry. I was wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I really want to date you or I really want to date you. But I'm going to have this conversation. But make your call. I'd almost be willing to bet you're going to lose all three of them for a time period and probably she'll come back. And I think that's probably right. That's probably right. Or maybe one of the brothers says, nope, I pick Taylor, the girl who was also texting my other brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I think we all know that my vocabulary is really elevated. No. So we'll find out and I'm sure some of you will reach out to me on the Instagrams and say you were wrong or you were right. I think we know by 10 o'clock tonight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
I pick her over my brother. And then if he does pick you over his brother, I would ask more questions because I don't know if that's a guy you want to hit your wagon too long term either. But that's another phone call. Y'all can call me when y'all make that decision. Have the conversations today, sister. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina, and talk to It's a Shame About Ray. Hey, Ray, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Normally, I would have a smart aleck response to this, but it sounds like there's something deeper.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Okay, let me rephrase. I hope we're done by 10. I think we're done in February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Oh, my God. Let's go to Baltimore, Maryland. Save us, Taylor. Save us. What's up, Taylor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m in Love With Two Brothers
Yeah. Good gosh, dude. Um, have you just been going and going and going and going or have you had your moments?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And if you're like most women your age, you've been carrying your parents' crap, your brother's and sister's crap, your cousin's junk for, I mean, for years, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
There just gets to be a moment where it's too much. The strangest thing I can tell you is the greatest gift you could give him and your kids is for you to say out loud and begin to enact and practice with his support and love. What do you need to be well? I don't do a good enough job on the show describing. When I say your marriage is over, Like who y'all once were no longer exists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And it can be fun to reminisce. It can be even nostalgic to think back to the times y'all could just make out whenever you wanted to. And you could get up on a table and dance and he could come home and be like, those times were so fun and great. And it's just different now. And there's still windows of time. There's still pockets of those things that emerge and fun. It's just different now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so when I say rebuild your marriage, this is when you ask, do I still want to be a first grade teacher? Financially, can we do that? This is when you ask, how do I want to feel when I come in my house every day? Not what jobs need to be done, but how do I want to feel? And then let's reverse engineer that. I remember one time I sent a group of employees over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
All right, let's go out to my hometown H town and talk to B R double E. What's up Bree?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
We were doing service projects and a buddy of mine was having a kid and I sent the team over and we just annihilated his yard. We made it look perfect. And he was so grateful, but he said, dude, that's my one thing. Like that is when the house is chaotic, when I need some time just to think, I put on my headphones and I go mow for a couple of hours. I was like, oh man, I took your thing, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
So maybe, and this is going to sound counterintuitive, maybe the greatest gift for you is 30 minutes just doing the dishes with headphones on. And your husband comes home and he's taking that from you. But I don't know you've ever stopped and said, what do I actually want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Because when you ask that question, then you can give him a map to how do I love you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I know, but you have to get over that. You can choose guilt or you can downstream choose resentment and you're going to start hating him. And that's not fair to him. He doesn't sound like a bad guy, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so you have to say, here's what I want. And I'm telling you right now, yes, he's going to have to grow up and put on his big boy undies and stop having his feelings hurt every time. You can't meet every need of his.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And also, you're going to start telling the truth inside your own house. It's both and. And sex is just not going to be as often right now. You have a two and a three-year-old. It just is not. And... If you have a particular kind of sex you would like to have, he's got to just flat get over the fact that the old marriage counseling trope is you can put on the calendar or you can not have it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I'm a mess this morning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's your choices. Yeah. That's it. And is it Hollywood? Nope. And Hollywood's a lie. It's all a lie. It's testosterone and ozempic and makeup and lighting. It's not real. Yeah. Right? Somebody else writes the words that come out of their mouths. It's not real. And so you can have sex. You can have sex two, three, four times a week. We got to schedule it so that you can wrap your head around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I'm going to get to drop my shoulders and maybe I'll set up a thread like, hey, here's the kind of sex I'd like tonight. Or he can be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
No, no, no. It's the same as, Hey, we put a date on the calendar and then one of you gets rocket diarrhea and we're not having the date. It doesn't make anybody an ass. The only person who's an ass here is the one who throws a temper tantrum like a child and doesn't see their spouse, either him or you as a human being. who's trying to hold it all together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But both of y'all are leading feelings first and your kids, your marriage, both of you need to stop leading feelings first and to start doing the next right thing. And for you, that's telling the truth. And for him, it's asking, how can I love you today? Not, are we banging today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I hear that a lot from people in real life. So I think it's just, I think I'm a bit of a chaotic ball of chaos and it makes people feel like, ah, so sorry about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Try it for 30 days because here's the thing. I think deep down, A, it's awesome to have a 45-year-old husband that still desires you like mad. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And, hold on, and you can feel the desperation sometimes, can't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And that's a guy hanging on. Do I still have a purpose here in this house now that there's two kids now that you're so busy? And I promise you, I'd be willing to bet money in his head. He's asking himself or has asked himself why you're grading papers or responding to parent emails at eight o'clock at night. Why does she love them more than me? Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And everything becomes egocentric when you're drowning. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Can I tell you this? You're not failing. You're doing a really good job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
You don't believe me, do you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
No, don't do that. Don't try to convince yourself because you'll go mad. I want you to do this. I want you to write down today. Will you do this one homework assignment for me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I want you to write down 10 things that you are really good at as a wife, as a mom, as a teacher.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And I want you to exhale on them and drop your shoulders and look at them. And then I want you to write out five or 10 things that you think you're not good at. And then tonight, and probably one of the most intimate exchanges y'all have had since your kids were born, I want you to read both of those to him. And I want you to ask him to write the same things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
10 things he's good at a husband, 10 things he's not good at a husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And I want y'all together to challenge those negative stories. And that's the way you can lift each other up instead of just piling more dirt on each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And from there... You gotta commit to asking each other for the next 60 days, how can I love you today? And it might be, he says, you gotta put the computer away. And you're gonna have to exhale and say, okay, I'm gonna have to respond to those parent emails tomorrow. Or he might say, it's time to get a nanny. Or you might say, I don't wanna teach anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Or you might say, I want to put these kids in daycare and I know I'm going to feel guilty. Or I want to stay at home and I know I'm going to feel guilty. And I'm going to feel guilty, then I'm going to go do the next right thing for me and for my husband and for my family. Because I've been feeling guilty my whole freaking life. I'm tired of it. I'm going to set guilt down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
It's all you, Bray. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Unless it's called for, of course. And then husband, listen, man, the fact that you are trying to honor your wife and you're doing so much, she tells you to stop. Kudos to you, brother. Kudos to you. For the husbands out there who have no other connectivity other than sex to say, I'm still alive. I'm still a person. I still have excitement. I still have value.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
The work you have to do is not to outsource that to other women and say that's nonsense. But you have to find purpose in your home outside of sex. You have to find purpose in your marriage outside of just release. You've got to find friends to go hang out with and have a beer with or laugh with or exercise with or go fishing with or something. And it sucks in your mid-40s. I'm there. I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And you've got to do it anyway. Because neither of you can bear the weight of each other's entire world. Thanks for the call, Bree. And for everybody out there, sex on the calendar is still sex. You can put it on the calendar or you can not have it. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all live on the internets these days, and I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter what I wish. It's just happening. Everything in my life and everything in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And because so much of our lives exist there now, it's just become weirdly normal to just give away our email address to random strangers, just give away our cell phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell our information to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me. It's madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete.me has saved me countless hours, days even, by removing all of this nonsense for me, and they've sent detailed reports that show me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Tell me about your busy life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
We can't really avoid the internet, but we can help make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all Delete.me plans. This comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney to check them out. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering. Prayer and meditation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
You don't have a busy life. You have a bomb that went off in your living room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
He has to grow. I'm not going to swear on the show. He's got to grow up. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking calls from real people from all over the planet. We're trying to figure out what's the next right move in their relationships, in their mental and emotional health, with their kids, with their marriages, wherever people find themselves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free, so you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out Halo at halo.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. Hey, if you love this show, I'm taking it on the road, and I'm bringing my friend. Actually, he's bringing me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Me and my friend Dave Ramsey are going on the road, and we're taking our shows live. We're going to be doing question and answers, talking about money, relationships, everything in between, and it's going to be unfiltered and unapologetic. Dude, if you wonder what gets edited out of this show, it's a lot. The guy who edits is just nodding right there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
There's going to be no filter on this one, so we're going to let it rip. And for those of you who don't know, I also co-host another show, The Ramsey Show. It's been in existence for 30 years, helping people get out of debt and get their finances squared away. We're bringing both of us. We're doing these shows. We're going to mix and match them together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
We're doing the shows live, and I cannot wait. We're going to be in Louisville on April 21st, Durham April 23rd, Atlanta April 25th, Phoenix, May 5th. Fort Worth, May 7th. And Kansas City, May 9th. You're going to learn something. You're going to laugh. Maybe a tear or two. And, dude, it's just going to be a great, great night. These shows live. Come check us out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And don't forget to subscribe and hit the like button. For real. It makes a massive, massive difference. Let's go out to Van Horn, Texas and talk to Corvin with a K. What's up, Corvin? Hey, John. Thanks for taking my call. You got it, homie. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Exhale for a second. I can hear it, man. Tell me about the last few years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Oh, God almighty. Wow, that's a lot of little humans in your life, isn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
yeah i mean our relationship is stale very neutral yeah what's beneath this man i remember i remember the old football coach telling me um i was just getting yelled at and yelled at and yelled at and this is back in the day when football coaches could yell they didn't have to hug everybody and just let me have it and he caught a glimpse of my face and he came real close and he's a guy that i still hold in high high respect and he said hey it's when i stop
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
getting on to you because I can see I see you can be better that you can do you can do more than you think you can it's when I quit staying on you that's when you know I'm out that's when you know I've given up on you and I remember that like okay cool um and so I I can hear you've given you've given up and I can hear it it's it's anger so close to the top are you are y'all broke are you struggling financially
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
What's the deeper thing? I don't think this is about money. I think it's... Is your house a mess? Is she just not doing anything? Let me ask you this way. Is she a woman you no longer respect? I think it's getting there. I think you're there. I think so. I'm not hating on you. That would be fair. If you have a person who just is no interest in building something with her husband...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Like no interest in building a life together, but who just puts the car in park and just sits in the driveway. I'm not hating on you. I want you to hear the futility of the way you've tried to do it because you do what most of us do. You went through the ends of the earth, all the tools in your toolkit. You've been trying, right? I have to do everything but the kitchen sink.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Yeah, don't do that because you'll go to jail. So... the bigger question is why has she, I guess she never even opted into this deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But this, what else besides finances? Where else is she, is she not with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Have you sat down as a math problem and said, here's what we need every month?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And here's the thing. You see value in her where she doesn't. And that's the altruistic view, right? The spoiled brat view that her dad tried to pass along to you that he helped create is, hey, bro, she doesn't do nothing. Best of luck to you. Pretty much. Yeah. So the real question is this, man. You have to make a choice, not her. Your choice is, I'm in, this is who I'm married,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Um, I'm going to have to build a life working on Saturdays, a side hustle. If I have a number that I think we need to hit for us to be safe in, in our, in our older age, got 20, 25, 30 years of working left. Um, I'm going to get on it and here's the number and, um, we're going to go. And then you may decide that I'm going to make peace in my own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
The other side of it is, um, um, and here's like a silly version of that. Okay. I would love for my wife to want to be front row at punk rock shows with me. I would love that. I've always wanted that. And a couple of times she came and she smiled and was like, oh my gosh, this is madness. And I would love that. I went and saw some buddies the other night. It was a blast, man. And she didn't come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But I also know who I married. And so I've chosen to not get my feelings hurt because it's not about me. I've chosen to not sit there all day and meditate. She won't go. I can't believe that. What does that mean about our relationship? She just doesn't like it. It's fine. And I don't like tons of country music shows except for Aaron Watson, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
So other than that, I have to make peace with that. I know that's not even close to the same ballpark of what you're dealing with, but the principle is the same. The other side of it is leave. Leave. But you are drinking poison every day, hoping that she gets sick, and it's just not. Right. Right? She's been almost radically clear, this is who I am. Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so you can make peace with that. And if she was on the phone with me, I mean, you better believe I'd challenge the heck out of her, right? Yeah. But the whole, I just can't have this conversation now and shut down, that's nonsense. After six years of being together, that's a choice. That's a move to manipulate any sort of accountability or responsibility. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And by the way, you can't be her dad. When you start telling her what to do and how to do it and when to do it, you become her father all over again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Yeah, I know, but I'm saying, like, if you want to prepare your kid for the real world, they have to have some skin in the game. That's like her dad saying, all right, here's the deal. I'm going to go in that weight room and I'm going to work out really, really hard so that you can lift, like deal with life struggles when they come. It doesn't make any sense, right? I get it. I get his sentiment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Hey, Bree, do me a huge favor. Will you stop apologizing for reality? There's not something wrong with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I get what he's trying to do. And I also get, I'm dealing with it right now. I want to just give my kid, I have an old truck. I just want to give it to my son. I had to work so freaking hard for my thousand dollar car when I was a kid. I hated it. And I also know if I do this, I'm actually setting her up to fail. And that's what happened. He gave her everything. And now she's like, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
You're up, Corbin. You give me everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And that's why, that's why I don't think this is about money. I think this is about, I don't respect you as a person. No hobbies, no joys, no friends, no connectivity, just like a great insight into the real housewives catalog.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
So I think you need to spend some time with you. And by the way, the fact that you said I don't even know how much money she makes, that tells me your marriage has deeper cracks in it than just she doesn't make any money. Y'all are living parallel lives. She is a roommate who lives in your house. Yeah. Or, to be gross about it, she's a teenage kid living in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
There's just not. Like for real. I can tell by the questions you're asking and the way you're phrasing these statements that you are trying to get to the root of how you have screwed this whole thing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And you come home from work and she hasn't done her homework, hasn't done anything. You're like, get up and do something. And they don't ever move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Here's the thing. I want you to spend some honest to goodness time with you. And you're in your head now and you're angry. And that clouds it. And this might go against everything you've ever thought to do. But I want you to spend some time, even if it's just 30 minutes a day, 15 minutes a day for a couple of weeks. But I want you to be honest and actually write down what you're thinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Because I'm willing to bet this is not about finances.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's an easy scorecard. It's an easy metric to look up and say, look, you're not even contributing. But I hear a guy who desperately wants his wife to enjoy being alive and she looks like she's dead in her own skin. And I don't know any man that doesn't want to marry somebody who's vibrant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Or be married to somebody who actually likes being alive and has purpose and a sense of autonomy yet connectivity. But unfortunately, you can't do anything about that. You've tried for a long time. The only thing you can deal with is you. So you can make peace in your house. That's just how she rolls.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I'm going to princess her up and I'm going to stop walking around all day being angry because it's just ruining my day. Or I'm going to have an or what conversation. This has to change or I'm out. We have to share a checking account. We have to share bills. We have to go to a marriage counselor and rebuild this thing from the floor up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And if she starts crying and says, I don't want that, I don't want to be put, then okay, I need you to be an adult and have an adult conversation here and quit diving out of the conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And you do. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you do have a relationship issue. Probably a pretty significant one. Tell me about the sex conflict.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And I'll have it with a marriage counselor. If I'm not saying it right, if I'm frustrating or whatever, if I scare you, then I don't want to do that. I'll have it with a marriage counselor. But we got to have this conversation because I want you participating in the lifeblood of this home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
We're supposed to be working together at this. And that, to me, is the thing. You all got married. You got in the boat, and you started heading off down the river, and she never got in. She's never been in. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. Boat is for you. I'm going to sit on the side. On the bank of the river. And I'm going to do whatever I want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And if you don't want to keep doing that, that's fine. My dad's boat will be here in a little bit. That's a tough pill to swallow, man. When you look up six years later, three years later after being married, working as hard as you do and find out, oh, she never got in the boat to begin with. I hate that for you, man. But yeah, I can hear it in your voice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
It's about to become rage and it's about to become resentment. And at the end of the day, that just poisons you. So let's have some time. What do you actually want? Because I think she could go get a job today and still it wouldn't fix the hole in your heart. What do you actually want? And it sounds like you want her to get in the boat with you. Ride or die. Let's go over the falls together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And she won't. Or you need to have that or what conversation. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, you've heard the rumors, and they are true. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. Listen, I'm talking about screens in our homes, screens in our offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Hit that subscribe button and the five-star reviews and tell the algorithms and the computer overlords, we love this show. Thank you. Let's go out to Sioux Falls, South Dakota, and talk to Catherine. What's up, Catherine?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Dude, rocking on to the break of dawn. What are you up to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Excellente. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Hmm. All right. Tell me something more interesting about you than you own a business.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Tell me about your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Um, how much protein have you both had combined so far this morning?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's such a great answer. We don't measure in grams. We measure in all of it. That's excellent. Yes. Awesome. More. So, dude, tell me about the nightmare of being 30 and trying to find friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Her mom has got it going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And why do you think something's wrong with you that you're not dying for that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Well, either you're recognizing like I'm not whole, right? There's some things I... There's places I want to go where I don't have to count macros and I just want to drop my shoulders and I don't want my goofball husband around who I love to the moon and back. I just want some girlfriends that I can just shoot the crap with. That you recognize that. Or...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
you're reading a lot of self-help books and you're like, I've turned your life into a, a GCI, like, uh, glucose intake and proteins and macros and like sleep track. Like you've just optimized your life and you are looking at a check Mark being like, Oh, I need friends that I crave this with. I need that. Which one of it? It's one of them. One of them is a story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And one of them is a, is a hole in your heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Totally. And I would just tell you, My two closest friends, actually, one, two, three, four, five. My six closest friends on the planet do not exercise with any regularity at all. None. And they laugh at me because they're all fairly certain I'll be the first one to have a heart attack because I work out so much. And they're some of my closest best friends on the planet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
and over time what I've come to learn, when you're kids and they self-select you, even all the way through college, like they put you in groups by shared interests. I think as adults, you move into different levels of friendship through shared values. And I have grown to love the fact that that I consider Ben here a great friend. We've done bands together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
We've gone to see punk rock show together. And he is the president of the Dungeons and Dragons Club or whatever. I don't know what they do. They talk about elves and ghosts and stuff. I've played Dungeons and Dragons approximately zero times in my life. Ever. Not one time. And I love that about him. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And so it's become this thing...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Um, can I, can I ask you a mean question, but I don't mean it to be mean just to me, to be reflective. Um, many of my friends in the fitness, not the fitness industry, the, um, like the true, honest, great people like the mind pump guys and Jordan side, not those guys, but what I would call the beefcakes right beneath them, the, the crush it and kill it guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
There tends to be a sense of, look at all the work I've done. I'm kind of better than y'all. And it makes it hard to make friends because you're always sizing people up. Or the books say you should be friends with people who are aspirational. So you're always looking at interactions as like friends are some sort of 401k.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That if I'm friends with these five people, then I'll be better at fill in the blank. And I think that's a catastrophic way that we have optimized human interaction in a really disgusting way. Yeah. Wow. Friends should be a group of people that yes, hold you accountable. And yes, iron sharpens iron. And it's a place where you can drop your shoulders and just tell that joke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's super inappropriate, but it's kind of funny.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And do you not think your friends have goals and aspirations that are deep and profound? Are they just different than yours?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
One of my closest, closest friends is literally counting down the days to retirement. And we mock each other mercilessly. I have no retirement. I have no interest in retiring. I would like to just be at work one day and then just Be dead. I like work. I like showing up and doing stuff. And we're just different that way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But the fact that he has a plan and the fact that he deeply believes in it and he's working towards it, that's where we align. And the destination just makes for great fodder for us giving each other a hard time. So do you have a friend who might be as dedicated to, as you are to working out and starting businesses, as dedicated to being the best freaking mom that's ever existed?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Or to helping change a local school or, you know, running a restaurant that's just top notch. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I wish more than anything in the world I could hold. I would not be as anxious about money as my friend Todd and John are. And the fact that I save the way I do and I scratch and claw the way I do doesn't make me better, even though I might have a spreadsheet that says this metric is above theirs. You know what they have that I don't? An ability to laugh so loud the room shakes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
An ability to be like, I'll have two more pieces of cheesecake and I'm going to feel terrible tomorrow. And I think, you know what I mean? I can't do that. And I long for that level of, ah. And also, I know that at least one of them, probably both of them, would love to just be able to get up at 5 o'clock in the morning and go work out and then sit in a cold plunge until their brains throw up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
They would love that. And so it's about, like, man, yeah. Let me put it this way. There will come a humbling moment, a reckoning, It's much better for everybody if you land that plane before it crashes. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. You'll blow out an ACL and not be able to exercise for a while.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And when that identity goes or one of your businesses will fail or one of your husband won't be as great as you think, like something will happen, things will happen. and when you learn at a young age to hold things really loosely and yet work really hard, my gosh, that's the recipe for peace. And so let me ask you probably the hardest question I've asked you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Deep beneath all of the workouts, beneath the amazing husband, beneath all... Are you cool with you? I mean... Let me say it this way. That sounds kind of woo-woo. Are you afraid that people are going to judge you as harshly as you judge them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Yeah. Or maybe three or four inches of muscle you can hide behind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
The fact that you could rip that joke off just like that tells me you'd be a lot of fun to hang around if you would let yourself actually be hung around with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Yeah, totally. Totally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I wonder what it would be like, what kind of freedom you could experience if you could just be fully you. And it will cost you some hanger-ons and it will cost you some peripheral friends. But you'll have some deep, deep relationships that will form over time. And sometimes a simple question is, hey, will you teach me something? Or I've got to know, how can you ingest that much beer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I don't see how that's physiologically possible. I remember one time I brought – this is the kind of dork I am. I brought a foam roller to watch the fights with some guys. And these are guys that had never, never go to a gym. And they were like – I was trying to show them how it worked, and they were like, this is so dumb. And then one by one, they'd find a hot spot and be like, ah, ah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And it was weird laughing. And also, I had all these like, this is why. And they're like, dude, it's not doing anything. I think you're kind of making this up. So it just became fun – It just became, it's a place where I can just drop my shoulders. And yes, if there's a problem in my marriage, those are the guys I call. If there's a problem with finances, those are the guys I call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
If there's a problem with my spiritual life, those are the guys I call. And I think that started when I was able to fully be okay with, they love me just for showing up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I would take three or four of my closest friends, the ones that you consider closest, and put something regular on the calendar. And even go as far to say, I need a couple of three or four ride-or-die women in my life. And I have some hilarious jokes that my husband don't think are funny. Or I want to learn about like, okay, tell me about like your job job. Like what do you do every day? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Not you, but like them. Be genuinely interested in their lives. Not in are they meeting the checklist that you've given yourself that you feel like gives you permission to even exist. And for you, that's body fat percentage, insulin, and whatever other things you're measuring. You're ApoB. Those are things that are all important and good, and I like dealing with that stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But I kind of like that some of my friends don't. So I guess I'll say this. You're worth being a friend with, Catherine. All of you. Even the parts that you've hidden. And the only way I know to make friends in your 30s and 40s and 50s, I've said that before, is just to go first and be weird. Put your intentions on the table. I need four or five ride or die women in my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I need four or five ride or die men in my life. They're gonna be my friends. I'm gonna call you on the middle of the night with weird conspiracy theories and I need you just to laugh at me. And I'm gonna call you when I am struggling with infertility and you're on baby number three. I'm gonna call you and just be sad. Will you be sad with me? And I'll cheer and be so happy too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Can we do all that together? Can we put some of these things out on the table? And then I'm sure they're dying to ask you questions about how you ingest so much protein on a daily basis and why you're snorting creatine off the counter or whatever else is going on, right? And starting business, I'm sure they have interest too. It's just allowing yourself to be fully known.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But the only way to do that is to go first and there will be costs associated with it. You'll lose some people in your life and that's okay. And by the way, thanks for being brave. This is a question that is plaguing, especially the Western world right now. Thank you for being a guinea pig and sitting with me, allowing me to sit with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I think a lot of people are going to benefit from the conversation. So thank you so much for being brave. Go get them. Put the dumbbells down. I'm just kidding. Keep lifting. But also start laughing some too. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say it a thousand times and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And I know many of you don't believe this to be true, but it is. And being well is hard work, but you're worth the work. And therapy can help. I see a therapist and many of you should see one too. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming and exposing. Maybe it's time. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about whether it will even work or not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Or maybe it's cost. Or maybe you're just not sure where to start. I know because I've been there. We spend money on gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. Some of you use special shampoos and creams and tracker watches. But when it comes to our mental and emotional health, we hesitate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Listen, your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, therapy is now more accessible than ever, and BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
You got to let that go because, I mean, so sex is the gas gauge here. It's not the problem. This isn't about sexual appetite or the phrase I don't like, sex drive, like a mismatched sex drive. That's not the challenge here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get started. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. I'm telling you, that's got to be the show. All the stuff y'all don't hear, one day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
We'd get canceled so fast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's the good stuff. Here's the thing. I think people assume and they kind of know I guess it's just good to confirm it. Yes, that's – yes, you're right. It is – there's a line that HR does not cross. All right, so what's up, sister?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's amazing. Find that person, send them everything I got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's it. That's the magic moment. The Jontaraj? Yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I'm sorry. You smell fantastic. Right now you smell like just like slathered up in Vicks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Okay. I'll have to think on that one. Okay. The mosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Oh, we just got a mosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I can handle that. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
If we have a mosh and then we have, when we have live events going out, then we could have like special, instead of VIP seating, it could be in the mosh pit. That would be kind of dope.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Is it your diary again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Yeah. Yes, practically speaking, it is, but there's some root issues here that we got to get to. Otherwise, you're going to keep having all these wars out on the fringes and not ever get to the actual solution. Here's a couple of just high-level things, and I'm going to speak in broad generalities. This may not apply to you too, but I'm willing to bet it does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I'll accept that. Thank you for that. I'm working on just receiving. So thank you for those kind, kind, kind words. And more importantly, who is that that wrote in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Betsy, thank you for showing up every day. I don't say this lightly. It's easy for me to... sit with somebody and then hang up the phone and then go about my day. And this is your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so for those of you who work with refugees who've just seen unfathomable trauma and work with marginalized populations and work in, in nursing homes and in hospitals and police departments and fire departments, y'all do this every single day. Thank you. Thanks to all of you. And thanks for honoring me by letting me, uh, pipe in through your headphones every now and then.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
It's a true, true, true honor. And thanks to you, crew. Shout out. Even you, Kelly. Especially you. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But I know this doesn't apply to every couple. Okay. Often men find the status, the state, the status of their relationship, the barometer of how we're doing to be vulnerable, to be close, to speak socially, to say, here's how I feel. Here's what I want. Here's me. That'll get a man killed in the workplace. And so the whole game for men is to shut your mouth and just go do your work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And the only way they can feel connection is shoulder to shoulder doing a hard thing or sex. It has to be physical. It has to be with your body. And then conversely, for all of human history, sex could get a woman pregnant, which might get her killed, right? Because the birth rates or the death in childbirth was so high for so many millions of years. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
That's what this show is about. For two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people. I've got two PhDs. I've been doing this academically, and more importantly, I've been doing it with real people. for years and years and years. People who I think mostly are trying to do the best they can with the tools they got. And they have found themselves in a messy, messy situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so there's this built-in, I have to know you're okay before literally I let you in my body. And you see there just becomes a dance. Then you throw two kids on there and the reality that is two kids, which is they take up a lot of caretaking. Like you said, your body's a human jungle gym right now, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And there's only so much diarrhea and throw up and oh my gosh, and parent emails and administrative emails and then get home and your own kids are maniacs and they have meals and snacks and... That when you know that this guy in my house has a need, it just gets put on a chore sheet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Right? And when he says, I need this, it gets put on a chore sheet. But below all of that, he's asking his wife in his new role, hey, I'm not the center of your world anymore. Do you still love me? Am I still here? And you are saying, hey, man, I have a lot of jobs every day. I want to be wanted. I want to be seen and known and loved all the way. Meaning some days you just got to go to bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And then some days, yes, dude, I just want to disappear into like an erotic evening. And yes, if you're just using me to get off so you can go to sleep, I don't want to be a part of that. Do you get what I'm saying? There's a deeper thing here. And I don't think y'all have reconciled the fact that your old marriage is so totally over. And that can be an awesome thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
But you have to do the work of saying, okay, what is it now? I don't hear a guy asking for tons and tons of sex. I hear a guy asking, do you still love me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
You know, it's... That's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Well, and that's scarcity thinking. It's real, but it's also scarcity thinking. But again, you've got two people tugging at two different ends of the spectrum here. And sex just becomes the gas gauge for whether we're succeeding or not. And so the deeper question is, how can he find some sort of security Let me say it this way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
It's like y'all are at the beach in Galveston there, an hour from Houston, and the water's three feet deep, and he thinks he's drowning. And he's just screaming at you, throw me a raft, throw me a raft, throw me a raft. And you're like, dude, I don't have enough arms and legs. And really, it's like, dude, just stand up. She loves you. It just looks different now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And by the way, she still wants you. It just looks different now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And they just want to know, hey, will you listen? Will you sit with me? Will you help me figure out what to do next? That's what this show is all about. If you want to join me on the show, I'd love to have you 1-844-693-3291. If you want to call and leave a voice message and the Kelly and her overlords will go through the calls. And that's actually Kelly and Taylor. I just, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Well, it takes both of you having a pretty high level of emotional intelligence and being able to say in this three-month span, because by the way, a three-year-old and a two-year-old, they change so much. Your marriage changes every three to six months when they're that young, right? You're about to cross a magic threshold where both of your kids can go to the bathroom by themselves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
You'll feel like, yeah, you'll feel like you got like half your life back. And then just wait in a year and a half. Maybe not with a two-year-old. Two years from now, they'll both be able to go to bed. Yeah. They'll be able to get in the shower themselves. Can you imagine? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Exactly. And so it's all about, it's winter right now. And so you've got to wear a coat and he's over there going, well, I know she wants me when she dresses sexy. And you're like, yeah, it's freezing right now. I got to put a coat on. And then you feel guilty. And then he feels rejected. So here's a couple of big pictures, big picture rocks. Number one, he has to grow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I'm not going to swear on the show, but, He's got to grow up. You saying I'm exhausted is not some sort of existential rejection. Because I know that he reaches out to his buddies to play golf or go fishing or whatever, and they go, hey, I can't this weekend. And he doesn't sit in his house and go, what's happening to our friendship? Why don't they like, he doesn't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so he can choose to believe you when you say, dude, I love you so much. I'm out of gas. And then he can go, okay, cool. How do I then honor and love my wife tonight?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
And so you are holding his, the entirety of his universe and you can't carry that. No one can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Then he's got work to do to go make friends. He's got work to do to go hang out. A buddy texted me yesterday and said, hey, I have an extra ticket to go. I live right by the comedy club here, and Theo Vaughn's doing a pop-up show. Hey, you want to run over there and see Theo again? Sure, I'd love to run over there. It would be my wife's evening. Her singular evening would be...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
if I stayed home that night. Her life will be better if I go catch up with you, if I go laugh and I go roll my eyes and I'm like, ooh, that was too far, right? And then I come home after hanging out with my buddies for a night. You get what I'm saying? Like, it's the work you have to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
It's a nightmare. How old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
So the question you'll have to ask yourself is what things other than intercourse, what things give him purpose inside his own home? And that's a question I'll always put back on new moms. Is your husband suddenly living in a failure factory where he doesn't know how the house works? And when he does try to wash the, the, the bottles, like you're not doing that right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Or the diaper has to go like this. And then I need this. If he has understood over the last three years, I don't know what I'm doing here. Then you get the implicit message or the explicit message. I don't, the best thing I can do for my family is to back up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I just hear that a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Y'all sound like overlords, but call into the show, leave a message and they will give you a buzz back if they want to have you on the show or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And yes, we do take calls from all over the planet, all kinds of different countries, people writing in and calling in and being on the show. I'd love to have all of you. So thank you so, so, so, so, so much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Let me ask, let me ask a deeper question. What about you? Do you feel like you live in a failure factory?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
I mean, I guess I just... Just start vomiting for a second. Start rattling it off. Where do you think you're failing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
Yeah, but it's not. Because you trying to keep him happy is killing you. And he doesn't know how to reach out and save you. And so the only connection tool he has is more sex and more sex and more sex and more sex. And he doesn't have a group of guys to help carry his burdens, which every man needs a tribe. And so you got to carry that too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Ooh, pretty gnarly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Men love to let other people know that we're in pain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I'm not dancing, so same team. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It's a magic, magic. When you find that out and finally figure that out and you realize what we do to kids in schools, especially little boys, you realize what the great travesty we've done to a generation of human is. But yes, I'm 100% with you. Me and my son live in the woods. And my daughter too. It's just yes, yes, and yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's right, that's right. So the greatest gift that could be given to that four-year-old little boy is your husband with his crutches goes back out, even if it's just a little bit, and takes that little boy with him. Your little boy is absorbing the fear and the tension in the home. Especially from dad. He got scared. His body, he learned at a very young age that dad is not Superman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I remember being a very young kid, maybe five or six or seven, arguing with my dad that my dad could beat up, I don't remember, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or something. And my dad was like, I can't, son. And I was like, yes, you can, but he's my dad, right? Yeah. And so your four-year-old, not only did he see dad get hurt in the woods, but his world shattered. My dad's a human.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Most people don't figure that out until their dad, like, they find out about infidelity or he doesn't clear his search history or he gets cancer, right? That's when they find out. Your son found out at four, right? And so dad needs to go back with him out into the woods. So what we're going to, the nerd is, the nerd word is exposure, right? we're going to gently walk him back through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Another thing you could possibly do with him is have him draw a picture of the woods. And at night, begin drawing pictures with him so he can begin to conjure up pictures of the woods, but he's got the relational safety of being right next to mom at the kitchen table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And he can draw, what's a scary thing that happened in the woods? And he'll probably draw a picture of dad falling down or a slippery rock and then say, draw me something that's awesome in the woods. And you'll find four-year-olds are in, they're like Gumby. They are so resilient if the adults in their lives are resilient too. So can I ask you a hard question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Is your husband laying around moaning still? Or is he being pretty tough about everything? Not tough, not like in the Marlboro Man tough, but is he working on healing? Or is he soaking this thing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
on him on his self trying to do exercises and stuff so he's kind of getting back up if he'll if he'll invite his son with him hey will you help daddy do these exercises daddy needs your help on some of these exercises because we're going to make my leg real strong again and we're not going to use words like we're going to fix because daddy's not broken There's nothing wrong with dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It got hurt and his leg's healing up. And so little boy is going to participate in the work dad is going to do to get back out there. And then if he's got some crutches and he can begin to say, hey, let's go out there and see if we can find a bird. A bird would make me feel better right now. Let's go see if we can find a bird. Daddy, I don't want to. I'm going to go. I want you to go with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
No, but continue and tell me your story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And we're going to invite him out. And you can start drawing pictures. Now, I want you to hear, for everybody listening especially, I want you to hear what I'm not doing. You can't fix this. You can't heal this as much as dad can. Okay. Because this is scary about the woods, but the woods now represent a place that took the soul, took the air of my dad's mystique away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's what the big fear is, not the slippery rock. Okay. So it would be cool if you could just grab his hand and go out in the woods. That'd be fine. It's going to be different. It would really facilitate things. If you're the only one left, if dad had died in the woods and you're the only one left, then yes, you'd be the go-to. But if dad can make his way out there, bring little boy with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And little boy may not want to come. That's okay. He'll end up going. He'll end up going. He'll end up going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Does it make you uncomfortable as mom? Are you cool with that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Everything that's happening in your house is as it should be. Your little boy, there's not something wrong with him forever. Okay, good. He's not ruined forever. Okay. He's not somehow dysfunctional. He can develop fear over time if you'll never head back out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
If he learns that is a place we never, ever go ever again, it's the dark, scary house at the end of the block, he'll put that GPS pin in his nervous system. Here's a good example. I have a friend who's an adult who is an incredibly accomplished higher education executive. And when a storm comes, there's a tornado warning, he gets catatonic. It is wild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And he had a scary situation when he was a kid. Like they had to get in the bathtub underneath the mattress, you know, scary situation. A tornado hit town. What didn't happen after that, I'm assuming... is that there wasn't conversations in the house. There wasn't norming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Like my kids know you just go to the basement and there's a storm coming, but they feel mom and dad acting quickly and with purpose, but not panicked. And sometimes we go outside and watch a storm come in when I know it's not going to be terrifying, right? So I don't want my kids to just, their bodies to shut off when it comes to weather. But there's an appropriate response to things we got to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
We got to do these exercises to help your husband heal, get strong again. And man, there's some amazing things out in the woods. Not, I mean, especially peace for somebody whose mind can be a little bit scattered. Yeah. So good on you, Mom. I appreciate you calling in. I think everything's going to work out great for your family. I enjoy a good pity party for a couple of days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
After an injury, I do. And then it's time to get up and get after it. And that doesn't mean be a goofball. It doesn't mean be like, oh, I'm going to snap into a swim. That's idiotic. It does mean I'm going to do the things I need to do to be well and strong so that I can go do the things that keep me well and whole. It's awesome, Alex. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
What's the custody arrangement?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey, not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the rest of the month. Being well and healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot, and probably you're not either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or with your favorite healthy beverage, and that's it. Their green juice is great in the morning, and it's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. Organifi Red Juice is loaded with antioxidants to help you with focus, stamina, and recovery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And don't forget the pure juice and, my favorite, the happy drops. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% at checkout with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas, home of the failing Cowboys, and talk to Brooke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
What's up, Brooke?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
You're like, thank you. I'm super excited.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
You got it. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Yeah, tell me about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And I guess, Hey Brooke, talk right into your phone for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Yeah, much better. Yeah. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Sure. So here's what you did. You put a boundary down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And so when you have a boundary, you have to have some sort of accountability tool. Okay. For you to live here, you must do a budget. So the accountability tool means every week you have to show it to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It was kind of derailed or your brother spent a lot of money?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay, that's different than I want you to keep a budget.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
What's the custody arrangement?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
He didn't ask for your accountability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And I know that's hard to hear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
You, for some reason, think you can save him. And he's trying to let you know, I don't want your saving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And I can't think of a more heartbreaking thing than a brother or a sister trying to save their sibling. He don't want your help. He wants to just keep living his life. He wants you to bail him out. He wants you to feed him and give him free rent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Yeah. Like, give yourself some grace. You guys lost somebody so, so close. And my impulse is the same as yours. I want all my chickens real close to me. All of them real close. My kids will never know how many times I get up and walk by their doors while they're sleeping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
They'll never know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Did you and your brother, was it pretty tough growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And it sounds like he's still got demons and he's figured out a couple of tools that quite honestly work. They numb the pain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And you learned at a real young age, I'm going to make sure everybody's okay because that'll keep me safe. And so hear me say, you did not keep your brother-in-law safe. That's not on you. And you can't extract the hurt from the other half of your husband's heart because he lost his twin brother. And so you can sit with him, but you can't make that okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I know. And so I'm telling you as an old man, I'm a thousand years old. Please get a legal custody arrangement. Please, please, please, please, please. The greatest gift you can give her is some clarity. Because what's going to happen is he's going to meet somebody and that person's going to start ruining everybody's life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's a hurt that you can't absolve him from. And you've been trying to take people's hurt from them your whole life. And your ding-dong brother who you love to the moon and back is just choosing to burn his life down like a candle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Did somebody leave you growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Will you do me a favor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Will you take both of your shoulders and clench them up as tight as you can around your ears, real tight, and then count backwards from three, two, one, and drop them. Okay? I don't want you to hear me. They left because something was going on with them, not because of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
But you still think if your brother struggles with alcohol and he gets pissed off and leaves that it's your fault? It's not. If there is a severing of the relationship, it's because he chose to walk away. Okay. Your husband's brother Very, very sick, struggling deeply, and made a choice that he can't take back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's not a relationship that you sever. The one person you have never stopped to put both hands on the bathroom counter and look into their eyes and ask, what do you want, is you. So the next right move is you being really, really honest with Brooke and asking, what do I need right now? And if the first thing that pops in your head is, I need my house back. I need this guy out of my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Then that's your answer. If your first response is, I need some help with the kids. Awesome. Sit down with your husband and talk about hiring a college student to come by a couple hours a week to play. If the first thought is, I miss my husband so much I can't breathe. Then you all figure that out. Or I need some me time. I want to go back to school. I hate my job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I want to give three of my kids back because five is too many. I don't know what it is, right? But like, I want you for the first time to write down a piece of paper. What do you want? What do you need? In counseling, there's a nerd word. We call it leakage. The stuff that you're hanging on to real tight will find a way out. And it usually happens at an inopportune time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Or you can, in a controlled burn, take the lid off and relieve some of that pressure intentionally. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
The second part of this is I think it would be really wise to sit down with your husband because you know you're in this. And I do this with my wife sometimes when I'm over my head emotionally. I'm a very emotional guy. I write everything down with the help of somebody that can see a situation clearer than me. And I will go have the direct hard conversation with it written down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
brother I'm acting like your mom you don't want that I don't want that and I don't I don't like checking up on you you're a grown man you don't need me to do that I'm wanting this more than you want this so here's the deal in 60 days I'm gonna need you to move out find a place to live or in 30 days I need you to find a place to live I want you to be my brother I don't need I don't want you to be a sixth kid
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And or you're gonna make a decision Based on I don't use this word mean I mean, I mean this in the best sense, but based on a fantasy Like I had a baby an amazing young girl by this guy He's kind of been a deadbeat. I'm remarried. I'm going on with my life But he is going to rise to the challenge and be a great friend and co-parent to our amazing little daughter. He's not He sucks
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
what are you kicking me out what are you no no no let's just be honest i'm not gonna check your budget every week i'm not gonna get i i can't be checking up every time you buy something at the gas station every time you're vaping out in the backyard i like this is awkward you got 30 days you got 60 days and i'll be your biggest advocate if you ever want help with budget with money with whatever i'll be here um but let's call this what this is okay
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And then that's the best you can do, Brooke. And if he throws a fit and screams and yells and calls you, you're leaving me just like mom did or dad did, then he is showing you his true colors and he's going to head off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Or if he exhales and says, you're right, dude. Thank you. You gave me two months of kind of a glitch in the matrix. Get my feet under me and I'll be on my way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Hey, Brooke, can I tell you what I really think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I think you're punishing Brooke. I think, yeah, it's hard on your husband, but he married you. He loves you for every bit of the people pleaser you are, and he loves you for every bit of you. You take in every stray dog and cat. He loves you for that. Is it annoying? Yes. Is it expensive? Yes. But he loves you for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
But you, Brooke, keep carrying around that somehow you're going to be the person that keeps this thing duct taped together because mom and dad didn't. And you don't have that kind of power.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's right. And here's the thing. It goes back to that original thing I said. Mom and dad didn't leave because of you. They left because they had their own demons. And somehow you don't think you're worth the life that you have now. You don't think you're worth this amazing husband. You don't think you're worth these beautiful five kids and this nice house you live in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And as long as you keep carrying that story around, you're going to keep letting in every stray cat that doesn't want to improve their life. Anybody can come stay with me and my family if they want to turn the knob. People can come stay with my family if they need a place to crash.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
But I'm not going to burn my house down for somebody that just wants a place to not have to deal with their responsibilities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And so you're going to keep ticking along, and what you're going to find yourself doing is trying to drag him into a situation that he is – behavior is a language. He is letting everybody know, including his precious little baby girl, I don't want anything to do with this. But someday somebody is going to sue you for custody. And he's going to say, look at all these conferences I went to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And so I want you to consider, and this is going to be a sharp turn for you. I want you to consider what would you say to Brooke? How would you love Brooke if you were to knock on your door? And you'd probably say something like, God, sister, come here and rest. And if there was a bunch of hound dogs following her, you'd say, hey, get out of here. She needs to rest. She's working.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
She's got a house of five kids. She's got an amazing husband that she wants to spend time with. I want you to care about you at least as much. And there's probably some things, I don't want to speak this into your life, but there's probably some ways your husband's been trying to love you for years and you won't let him because you don't think you're worth it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I want you to go tell him you're sorry. Let that poor man love you. Am I right? Ask him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay. If I'm wrong, I'm happy to be wrong. Y'all can just be like, that guy's an idiot, and y'all can say that together. That's great. I have a feeling he'll be like, man, I've been trying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay. The world needs more gentle spirits like you. And also, I think your gentle spirit... Is a very carefully crafted cover up for a very strong, strong, knows what I want and knows how to survive, scratching and clawing, hope-filled woman. And I want her kids to get to meet her. I want your husband to get to meet her. Because she's badass.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Can I challenge you one more time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
How old's your oldest kid?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay. He has four Christmases left in your house before he's gone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
He's got four left. Let's don't take 25% of those as a walking on eggshells for a grown-up brother who may throw a temper tantrum at any moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I'd rather you give him $2,500 and say, we love you. Here's a down payment on an apartment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Your husband sounds like the most genius guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It's just like, Oh, he, he married you because he loves himself a spreadsheet and the next right thing. And he married you because you have a heart that's so big. It's like oxygen for him. Y'all are perfect for each other. And that also is going to be tension there. Mm-hmm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
He's going to want to buy generic dog food, and you're going to want to buy the dog food that, like, I don't know, is blessed by some holy leader in some other country. You know what I'm saying? Like, that's just your heart, and so it's going to be awesome. But, yeah, I wouldn't burn five kids' worth of a Christmas break dancing on eggshells.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Or maybe you say, hey, we're going to let you stay through Christmas or through December 15th. And for those of y'all listening, this is into the new year, but we're going to let you stay through December 15th, which is a month from now. But if there's any kind of XYZ, if you smoke in the house again, if you vape out in the yard again, like any of those things, you got to go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Look at all this. And he never picked her up, never helped, never put a dime on the table. I can't tell you how important it is to get a custody agreement, a legal one, and then just follow it. But to answer your broad question, without an agreement –
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
So you get to choose whether you stay here or not. But here's the rules for staying for the next 30 days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Say those words to him. I love it when you choose to be here. And so for the next 30 days, choosing to be here looks like this. Boom, boom, boom, boom. And you can tell them, if I made this awkward by having this conversation now, I get that. If you feel awkward here in the house now, I get it. Here's 2,000 bucks if you want to go get an apartment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Now, everybody listening, do you have to give 2,000? No, you don't have to. But if you're in a position to do it and it just helps, then I'm all for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
and this is not like you get out of my house right now that's not that right this is compassion and this is also honesty and this is you for the first time saying okay i gotta put my oxygen mask on because in the hierarchy of importance i got this husband that i looked at and said till death do us part i made a covenant i got these five kids that came into the world because of me
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And then I've got this brother who's a grown adult who should be taking care of himself and his family who's made choices up until now to not. So we're going to go in that order of importance. I'm super, super honored that I got to talk to you today, and I'm grateful, grateful for your heart. Call anytime we can help. Hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I'm going to send you Financial Peace University for free, and I want you to gift it to your brother. You can tell him you can stay here 30 days, but you've got to watch all nine lessons. By the way, make all five of your kids watch it. It'll be fun for them. Actually, some of them will be bored out of their mind, but your 14-year-old will like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And they can watch this thing, and they can begin to all have conversations and learn together. Maybe that'll work. Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, good folks, listen, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories that we were born into.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking your calls. All over planet Earth. Taking your calls on your relationships, your marriages, your kids. What to do next with your emotional and your mental health. Schooling. Whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you. We'll figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves. We've got the stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write about our futures, and they're all powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
If you have a guy here that shows no interest, doesn't pick his daughter up, isn't driving you crazy trying to see his precious baby girl, then he is telling you on a day-to-day, minute-by-minute, second-by-second basis, I don't care about your life. I don't care about her life. And so he's opting out. And so no, he is not a part of her rhythms of her life. And will that come back and haunt her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And as we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February. I'm talking about new stories that will change your life forever for the better. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Maybe think of your therapist as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. If you're considering therapy, I want you to try calling my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, you have your making fun of me face going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Gosh, if people could hear Keillor's jokes, they're fantastic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It was just one of those like... But even Keillor's bad jokes are fantastic. It was pretty good, so... If you were down there by your NASA station, if you could just like... We need to get him a microphone. He could just pitch in and make jokes the whole time. It'd be great. I do have a microphone. I know, but you don't want to get canceled and you value your job and blah, blah, blah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Half the things I say probably can't go on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
There you go. All right, so what you got? You got an email, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I remember this call. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Awesome. Oh, so he wrote it. He wrote the email 24 hours later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Dude, good on that guy. What a great note. It's awesome. Thank you for sending that, man. And I guess if he was sitting right with me, I would give him a quick word of caution. Like, being vulnerable almost guarantees that you will get hurt. But it will also guarantee that you can be loved in a profound and deep way. And so it's both and. Was that C.S.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Kelly's going to be kind in 2025. She's not. Love you guys. Bye. Hey, what up? What up? Listen, the latest episode of my docuseries, United States of Anxiety, is available right now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app. Each episode follows a caller from my show on a 90-day journey to transform their life. You want to know the cool part? I personally walk alongside them throughout it all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
God, yes. But what you and your new husband can do is give her an amazing tethered home so that when she begins asking the terrifying question, what was so bad about me that daddy chose to opt out of my life, that she'll at least have an anchored, stable group of adults, a mom and a dad at home that she can stay tethered to while she really goes through that haunted house. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
This episode features Kelsey, whose battle with severe anxiety is putting her most important relationships at risk. And you can only watch this show on the Ramsey network app. So make sure you download the app and dive in right now. And while you're there, you can also binge episodes of the Dr. John Deloney show on demand and other Ramsey network shows like the Ramsey show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And did I mention this app is free? Go ahead and download the Ramsey network app right now. Go, go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Um, and a great thing that will be in your favor is four years of dad being completely MIA. And really what you'll go to and you'll petition the court to just codify what is. Can we just go ahead and get in writing that this guy wants nothing to do with her as he's demonstrated for the last four years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
What you don't want to do is have him get married and have somebody think that they can somehow have access to your husband's going to get a giant promotion one day. You're not going to get a house and your deadbeat ex is going to have somebody in his life that's going to want some of that money. And your daughter will become a bargaining chip. Not doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It may happen anyway, but at least you'll have some established precedent. Did he show up to the school meeting?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Yeah. I'm done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And I think the person that's going to have to grieve the most here is you. Because probably for five years, you've wanted this man to be something that he is not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
You've wanted him to become somebody that he does not have any interest in becoming. If you sit down with your current new husband, how long have y'all been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay. If I'm you, you may not get this, But I would file for full custody, and I'd also file for termination of parental rights, and my husband gets to adopt her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I would go get an attorney and see if you can make that happen, and that would probably be expensive, and your attorney can tell you whether they think they can win or not. California's got some wonky stuff, but it often falls against the man, especially the deadbeat, and you may have an opportunity here. Because one day I want your current husband. Is he a good man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. And I get questions from all over the planet. from Europe, from some Asian countries, from Australia. Yes, you can write in. Yes, we've had people from other countries on the show, johndeloney.com slash ask, and we'll figure out a way that we can connect, if we can line up our schedules together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I know a lot of moronic Christians, though. Is he a good guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Okay. So I would love for him, when your daughter's deconstructing, which will happen, I would love for him to be able to look at her and say, yeah, but I chose you. I went and fought the courts for you. You're right. Your daddy, he chose something else. I'm so sorry. None of us can change that, but I never want you to forget. I went and got you. I want that to be his story. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's fair. How much interaction has she had with bio dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Does she go stay with him? Does she go spend the night with him? How does that work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Yeah, I can imagine that's heartbreaking for a father. And... then I'm going to be tired on my days off because I'm going to get up at 5 o'clock in the morning and be at your house by 6.30 in the morning so I can take her to breakfast, so I can take her to school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
And I'm going to work on my GED or I'm going to work on a certification class in town and I'm going to pick her up from school and we're going to go get ice cream. Because she's the most important thing that ever happened to me, ever, ever, ever. And I just don't have a lot of sympathy for anything else. But I think it's, so broadly answering your question, number one, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
If dad is showing no interest, behavior is a language. He's opted out. Number two, there's got to be some legal protection here for your daughter, for you and your new husband, and quite frankly, for her bio dad. Give him some sort of opportunity to speak up publicly. I think he's done five years of speaking up. But to really sit down and clarify stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
This ambiguity, I promise you, promise you, promise you, will come back and bite you. And if it bites you, the person who will pay the biggest price is your daughter. So for her sake, let's get this thing wrapped up and protected. That might mean that you miss a weekend or that might mean fine. Great. If dad's going to step up and be a part of this thing. Cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
But man, ambiguity does not work in these situations. Thanks for the call, my friend. I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. I'm a founding member of the get off the internet and go outside and live your life club. Actually, I think I'm the only member. Yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life basically living on the internets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
As a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers. We're buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, Every business in the world wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me stuff all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
It drives me nuts. And yet with all of this online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you directly throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. Now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little bit and feel some peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
So I'd love to have you on the show. And take a quick second, quick second, hit subscribe on the YouTubes. Man, thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Anaheim, California, and talk to Jennifer. What's up, Jennifer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
In this new year, you can share this peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. Since the first day I started this show, I've been preaching about the importance of regular exercise and our overall physical health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I am thrilled to announce I have partnered with TrainWell, an amazing app and personal trainer all in one. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. So while it is on your phone or your computer, it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Me, my wife, my colleagues, and their wives, we've all been using TrainWell for some time now and the feedback, the interaction with a real personal trainer, the accountability, and the personalized nature of the workouts have been outstanding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
To get started, you just need to answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you make them better, and it works. Over 90% of TrainWell clients say they exercise more consistently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Up to 90% report increased strength, and 73% say they got a confidence boost. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. This January only, you'll get 45% off the monthly price, plus 14 days of free training at trainwell.net slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
That's trainwell, T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L dot net slash deloney. All right, we're back. Hey, don't forget, you can check out this show in video and audio formats on the Ramsey Network app, and you can get the show up to a week early.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Click the link in the show notes below or go to and download the Ramsey Network app on the internets, on Google or Android platforms or wherever you... Dude, I don't know how the internets work. Just go find the Ramsey Network app. Y'all know how to do that more than I do. Let's go out to Charleston, West Virginia. Talk to Alex. What's up, Alex?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Yeah, what's up? How we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Excellent. What's going on in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
I mean, I'm dancing like I've never danced before. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Should I Quit Trying to Involve My Ex in Our Daughter’s Life?
Oh man. Tell me more about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So, um, I want to give you permission to feel disappointed. I want you to have permission to feel unnerved because the person you've been married to for two decades, you saw some things that she had written and some things she had said, and that made you go, I don't think I know you. Yeah. That you have permission to be hurt that, um, Yeah, it's not cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Like what you said, like nobody wants their spouse to be talking about, man, I'm married to this person and they're great, but man, I used to, nobody wants that. That's a violation of the, I'm going to say the sanctity of marriage. That's a violation of just dignity and respect for each other and what y'all have together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
No, no, don't read, bro. Don't, don't, don't, don't read those threads. Don't read those threads. They'll make you nuts. But let me, let me pause it one more thing. Okay. I've never met somebody in the criminal justice system. I've never met somebody on the other side. I've never met somebody on the other end of divorce.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I've never met somebody when somebody does an accident or commits a crime or has accident and they lose a kid. I've never met that person who finally has that big conversation and it feels like they thought it was going to feel on the other side of that big conversation. And I'm wondering if that might be what you're wrestling with, which is let's take her at her word. She wrote you the letter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
She drank too much. She was being stupid. They were one up in each other. And she was like, oh, yeah. And they called her goody two shoes. And she was like, you know, college me. And she told some stories about the good old days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And that really hurt you. And she wrote you a letter and said, you're my ride or die. I love you. That was stupid. I made some bad jokes. I'm sorry. I don't know that what you anticipated the other end of that was gonna feel like, but I've never met somebody who nails it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Well, and I guess what I wanna challenge you, not challenge you, but just speak out into existence is, most of the time people still hurt after the apology. Oh, yeah. It doesn't make what happened go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Then I go into the next and people who are on the show, they're just kind of there, right? Jesse, you're just like on the other end of the line when I hang up. Right. Right. Yeah. So I wanted to give you an opportunity to, Hey, just let me have it. If I need to, if you just need to let me have it. Um, I would love to know after the, after the call you hung up, um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
No, I think we circle back. So I want you to stop thinking in terms of like you said, like we're keeping score. Like my pain's gotta be the same as your pain. And if I hurt this bad, you have to hurt that bad. That kind of score keeping, man, is always gonna end in contempt. And that's one of the Gottman's four horsemen of the end of a relationship. Because it gets to be this hierarchy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You did this, so I get to do this. Forgiveness is, I'm not carrying that anymore. Still hurts. Still hurts. I lost a little bit of trust in you. If that's the case, I'm gonna ask you to not drink on these trips because that was a betrayal for me. It hurt real bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I guess I also want you to be careful of putting yourself in her head and assuming you know how bad she's hurting or not hurting just by how she's responding. But also, dude, it is super okay to say, okay, it's been two weeks, it's been three weeks. You wrote me this amazing letter. I wanna read it out loud to you And I want to let you know how I feel when I read it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Like I want to read it out loud to you. I don't want to do that. It would really mean the world to me if I could read this out loud to you. But also, yeah, be careful of wanting to hurt her back or wanting her to hurt back. And I guess be weary of your own expectation of what you think it's supposed to feel like on the other end of an apology. Sometimes it just still stings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And you forgive her and you say, okay, I get it. And it still stings. And the next time she's going to a trip out of town, your heart rate's gonna go up and you're gonna text a little bit more and she's gonna commit, hey, I'm not gonna drink on this trip. Not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that because I know I hurt you last time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I guess part of that is just trusting in if you keep showing up and saying, how can I love you today? And she keeps showing up and saying, hey, Jesse, how can I love you today? That over time, that pain stings a lot less and your default setting slowly resets itself. but you're not crazy for being hurt. I don't think you're crazy at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I just want you to be careful about pushing and pushing and pushing to make sure she feels in some way as bad as you do. Or like you said, she can't just get off scot-free with an apology. I want you to think that all the way through because that makes you the judge, the jury, and the executioner. And be real clear about what you want her to experience on the other end. And you may never get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I think that's part of being married. It's part of being in a relationship with somebody. So thank you so, so much for the call. I'll put you on hold. It's like the, the background noise is really loud. I want to say this to everybody. Um, I brought my own bias to that last call. I brought my own frustration with outside issues.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I, man, I, I dumped them all those center blocks into Jesse's backpack and said, brother, you're carrying this. Um, I did hear in that last call that there was this feeling, this sense of I made better choices than she did. And so somehow there was an inequity. So I'm glad you said like, man, I hadn't thought about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm glad we got to have that conversation, but also I want everyone to hear. I brought my issues. to a hurting person. And Jesse, that's not right. And so on behalf of everybody, I want to tell you, I'm sorry, I missed it. And man, you're allowed to have your heart broken. And I'd be heartbroken too. If my wife was telling everybody, man, before I met my husband, it was really awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'd be heartbroken, man, as a betrayal. I think the big question is, what does forgiveness look like? And in your home, what does forgiveness feel like? And most importantly, beyond looks and feelings, what are we gonna commit to doing day in and day out, minute by minute, hour by hour, so that our marriage gets stronger and back on track over time? You're an awesome guy, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
what you felt, if you felt heard, if you felt seen, if you felt like I attacked you, and most importantly, how have the days been since? Are you still haunted by what you called me about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Thanks for calling me back and having the courage to let me know where I got it right and where I didn't get it right. And it took a lot of courage for you to come back on, so I'm really, really grateful for you, brother. But I think y'all set up another meeting, and you read that letter back gently, not in an accusational way, but gently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And let's get back on the same page, and we're going to still keep moving forward. All right, so when we come back, I'm going to talk to a wife who does not respect her husband anymore because his parents are still way too involved. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. But first, let's talk about your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I know, I know, it's not cool to talk about other people's moms, but hang with me. When you think of mom, what comes to mind? Beautiful, patience, resilience, love, showing up every day. I know for some of you, thinking about your mom can bring up tough memories and challenges. I get that. But for most of us, thinking of the moms in our lives is a reason for deep gratitude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
For me, when I think about my mom, she taught me so much. For crying out loud, she gave me life. And when I think about my wife and how she's the mother to my kids, she sacrifices for our family. She loves us and she works tirelessly day in and day out. She's the best mom I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So whether you're celebrating a mom, remembering one, honoring one, wanting to be one, or you're navigating motherhood in a challenging and unexpected way, let's all agree, moms out there deserve the best. And that means they deserve Cozy Earth. From Cozy Earth's temperature-regulating bedding to their ultra-soft pajamas, Cozy Earth creates comfort that feels like peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And let's be honest, every mom I know needs a little more peace. Cozy Earth's bamboo pajamas are the perfect way to wrap moms or any other special person in your life, or even you for crying out loud, in comfort and care. And right now, you can get 40% off last-minute gifts for your mom at CozyEarth.com with code DELONI. Go to CozyEarth.com slash DELONI and use code DELONI for 40% off. Do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
The moms in your life deserve the best. All right, good folks, let me tell you about delete me. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. We can all pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch online, we can just pretend and go on about our lives as though every single thing we're doing online isn't being monitored.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And we can pretend that our personal information isn't being taken and sold to scumbags on the internet, but pretending it's not real doesn't make it true. The truth is the digital world is the wild west, and it's a place where your information is bought and sold and stolen most of the time without you ever even knowing. Think about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Have you ever gotten a sketchy email that somehow knew way too much about you? Or have you ever had your phone just blown up with robocalls? That's not bad luck. That's your personal information being sold on the internet. And right now, spammers and scammers are hungry to cash in on it unless you do something. That's why I use and recommend Delete.me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Delete.me scours the internet to find your data and remove it from creepy data broker websites. They've reviewed over 35,000 sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours. When you sign up with Delete Me, it's decluttering your digital life and removing a source of anxiety at the same time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Stop scammers and spammers before the problems start and take back control with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and the... I don't know, the IT overlords.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Tell them that you love this show. Send the episodes to your friends. I'm super grateful for you guys for the five-star reviews, all that stuff, all the internet-y stuff. Thank you so, so much. All right, let's go out to Riverside, California and talk to Ray Ray. Hey, Rachel, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm good, lady. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Oh man, that's a good one. How old are y'all?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Man, y'all had a busy six years, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Dude, you guys are in a relationship now that's like, Yeah, we can figure this out. We figured out a global shutdown and a worldwide pandemic and a pregnancy in a three month. Like we will figure something out. That's fantastic. All right. So how is his parents still over involved?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Absolutely. So he called us, he called his mommy and said, mommy, I need some money for me and my new wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay, got what? What did they, like, did they reach in in 2020? They found out their son's married. Oh, gosh, suddenly they're pregnant. They're having a baby. It's 2020. Hey, guys, I'm going to cover your rent for six months. Is that what happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So how did that, how did that, how did that conversation go? And you found out, Hey, no, no, no. I just hired movers. And my dad said he wants to cover the movers for us to move. Got a new baby is 2021. Dad's got everything covered. What was the next conversation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
There was no, are there strings to this money?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Sometimes I do feel like, let's let's like, this is obnoxious for me to say it this way. So I'm being ridiculous. Okay. Let's move your, move your feelings to the side.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What's the data say? What's the reality here? Do they give you money and then they say, no, no, no, no. We have Thanksgiving on this day. You'll be here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. So besides the feeling part, how do they lord over you? Do they still pay your cell phone bill and they go through your phone calls?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You said you moved a whole bunch. Did you move? Cause you had to a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Sure. So forget the money part of it, but you have a spirit inside of you that is awesome and strong. But it's also, I will freaking do this myself. Where does that come from? Um, I'm kind of, I'm asking a double edged question. One, that's exactly how my daughter is. And so I just kind of want to know where that's coming from. But also, uh, like, like where does that come from? Was that survival?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Cause you had three older brothers. Was that cause you had to do a new school every year from zero to 10 years old? Like, was it college? Did you have somebody hurt you when you were like, like, where does that like, no, no, no, no, no. I'm doing this. Or maybe you just shot out of the cannon that way, like my daughter was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And can I tell you something crazy? I'm telling you this because I love you. Okay? Yeah. I'm so grateful for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
How old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. When we over voice for our kids. Now, our kids need us. They need us to be sturdy. As Dr. Kennedy says, we need to be plugged in, anchored in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I will burn your village to the ground if you hurt my daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Right? Make no mistake. But our kids pick up really fast every time a parent becomes their voice. And that meta message, and this is a crazy thing that happens, okay? You are not alone in this. This is the pot talking to the kettle here. But in a wild way, you recreate your softball coaches with, hey, you're not enough. I'll do this for you. You're not enough. I'll speak for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You just sit there and be quiet. I'm going to do it for you because you're not enough. And you may have got that message explicitly and in an effort to shift and change it, it gets passed along implicitly. So here's what I want to, I want to just put this out there. Okay. Because I want to, I'm thinking, let's say I knew, I knew all of that about you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I was a brand new husband trying to navigate what in the world is happening with a pandemic and a new baby and whatever. I can imagine saying, dude, I am taking all the postpartum. I'm going to take all that stress away. And my dad pulled me aside and said, hey, we've been blessed. We've got stuff figured up. Anything you need, you let me know. And he's like, dad, can you help with the move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And he's like, gotcha. And I can imagine your husband coming home with a smile nine feet wide being like, got it. And then all of a sudden your inside says, once again, Rachel can't do it on her own. Once again, someone's telling Rachel, I don't want your voice. I don't care. You're not enough. And here we go again. And it just becomes a matter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I say this so often and it sounds trite, but I'm serious. It's a matter of pictures and words. When you both said the words, hey, we're moving on Saturday, he had a picture in his head. I'm going to be the best husband ever. I know a guy that wants to help out with anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And you said, this is a way we're going to build a forever marriage by working hard together and sweating. And I'm still a little bit postpartum. I need to get out and move and do something. And all of a sudden, y'all flew past each other, both trying to love each other the best you could.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You know what I'm saying? I do. I know that's not line for line, and there comes a moment when, bro, you got to pay your own cell phone bill stop. I feel silly. Your mommy's still paying your bills. Yeah. Right? But you see how it's both and? Yeah, I do. It has been one of my life's journeys to learn to say, I accept this, or thank you. It's very hard for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And also, like, there's a grown-up part. Like, I also want to be an adult, too. Yeah. You know, I got to pay for my cell phone and my car insurance. Good God almighty. Right? Unless, it's like, dude, I get it for free. This would be dumb for you not to take it. And the modern world with all the digital is just silly. Right? But I think it comes back to y'all sitting down and saying, hey...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Here's my picture of what this looks like. What's yours? And also, be very honest with, I think your parents are trying to buy our influence, their influence in our lives. I don't like it. Or actually, when your mom brings toys for my baby, it makes me feel less than.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
yeah and i don't know i don't know what's true yeah go ahead i don't know i don't know if any of that is true i don't know i just i just imagine how hard i tried being a new dad and how many times i got it so wrong trying the hardest i could to love my wife and i do think that's a huge piece of it um
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Well, I think maybe the bigger pictures and words conversation is, have we been married for six years? We've got two amazing kids. Um, I've brought my struggles here. You've brought your struggles here. I want you to tell me what's your picture of a wife. Yeah. What is it? What's a picture of a wife? What's your picture of a mother that's in your mind? And then you get a shot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Like, here's my picture of what a husband does. Here's my picture of what a husband... Because my guess is this money is like a big glaring thing and it's an easy thing to point at. Yeah. But my guess is you lose respect for him in other places.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And what I often see happen is mother-in-laws become... Yes, they can be intrusive and yes, they can become overly whatever. Our father-in-law is like, I'm going to pay for everything. They can do this at our house. We need to struggle through some things so that stop coming into the weight room and taking the weight off the bar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Our marriage has to go through some hard times so that it can have the strength down the road. But often they become like an easy thing to point fingers at when actually I lose respect for you because of the way you treat the waitress. I'll lose respect for you because you don't open the door for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I lose respect for you because you sit on the couch and play video games and have four beers every night while I'm trying to bathe the kids and get them to bed. And this general loss of respect is a much bigger cloud hanging over our home than just, hey, you keep letting your mom pay your cell phone bill and you keep letting your mom pay for our vacations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I want us to save up and struggle and pay for stuff ourselves. And so I think the pictures and words is a bigger conversation about, hey, I'm losing respect with you as a man, as my husband. Here's my picture of what a husband is inside and outside of the financial transaction stuff. And I think that's the place to have the conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And that's a scarier conversation to have because it peels back a ton more layers. But here's my promise. If you keep just pecking and pecking and pecking and pecking at him, mom and dad will back all the way off. And you're still going to have that respect issue with your husband that you got to deal with. So let's just go straight there and deal with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Let's just lay that one bare on the table. And if you need a professional to walk with you, do that. But let's start there with that conversation. And then some of this might be humbling for you. Some of it might be, dude, I gotta learn to just smile and say thank you for the gift.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If it's something that completely violates your values, like food or safety for your kids, whatever, absolutely, I'm not just gonna cave on that. But sometimes it's, you sent another set of clothes, great. You sent another whatever, great. You bought us a car, okay. And sometimes you just say, okay, I wouldn't have done it that way, but I'm just going to be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And other times you exhale and have the bigger, harder conversation, which is, husband, I'm struggling with my respect for you on all these different fronts. It's a scarier, bigger conversation, but I think it's well worth having. And like I said at the beginning of the call, y'all been through a lot. My guess is if y'all both choose to, y'all can get through anything. Y'all are very, very strong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
All right, coming up next, we talk to a 24-year-old young woman who wants to know how soon is too soon to talk about your past with new people you're dating. Stay tuned. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional health resources.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But over a quarter of those people are still saying they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I know because I have been there. I've sat with students, their parents, their families, hurting people for years, and people are scared to just take that next step. Listen, when people don't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, workplaces, and entire communities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
The world is better. Your life is better when people are healthy and happy. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Good folks. We're all better with help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to dear Marie. Hey, Marie, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm excited and super nervous. So let it rip. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay, so the smoke is cleared. How long have you been officially divorced?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But officially, you've been divorced for just a few months?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. Have you exhaled yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Because what I hear wrapped up in your call or in your question is almost you still wondering if you did the right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You did. He opted out. You're very clear. If you drink again, you're smashing things and it's not safe here in this house. And when you said, I don't feel safe in this house, he went out and got wasted. He gave you, he gave you his answer, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But what I'm hearing is the person you're not okay with is you. And here's where I'm coming from with that question is a person you meet on a first date or a second date or even a third date, they don't get a vote into your life. They weren't in that room when that trained veteran was smashing things. They weren't up all night wondering if your ride or die was dead. Night after night after night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
They weren't in that house when a drunk intoxicated person says, we're doing this actually tonight, no matter what you say. They don't get a vote. And so I guess my answer for you is, I don't think you're being deceptive by saying, hi, my name's Marie. How are you? And I don't think you have anything to hide to say, I got married when I was 19, 20 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And it ended up being a pretty unsafe situation. And so I'm a 24-year-old who's already been through a divorce. How about you? And if that scares somebody away, then that's a better sorting mechanism than any swipe right could ever be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Yeah. I mean, it feels like an inside battle and, and, If I can just, I've heard this over and over and over again for forever. I mean, for as long as I've been having these conversations, it doesn't matter if somebody's been separated for five years. The day that divorce is finalized starts a new grieving process. Now, I've seen it on Instagram, like the hooray or the divorce party.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm finally free and I'm sure that happens. I'm sure there's super scary, toxic nonsense messes that people are just so free to be like legally detached from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
but most people when they're honest on that day or most people when it's not a situation like that, it's like outside the bell curve, but a divorce, somebody scared me, somebody I loved that was struggling with addiction, somebody that became somebody they weren't only when they were drinking, but man, when things are good, they were so good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Like that kind of divorce, even if you're separated for a year, man, you're just, my guess is there's still smoke and fog. Like it still feels weird being 24 years old saying I'm divorced.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And also, let's be honest. This is no judgment, okay? This is just me laying facts out on the table. You are also dating. And not officially divorced. Yeah. Right? And so there's still that nagging like, all right, but I mean, technically I'm married, but you know, like I'm cut.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And you also roll your eyes enough to know that that's what every guy says when they're out who's cheating on their wife, right? They're like, no, no, no, we're like separated. It's all good. Right? And then they find out they got a wife and three kids in the house. Right? So all I have to say is you haven't been settled in your own spirit for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Hope you are doing well and wherever you happen to find yourself. Hope there's a path for peace in all of the madness. And if there's not and you feel stuck, I'm glad you're here. On this show, we sit with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But what was beneath the sobriety? He made you not sick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Yeah. And by the way, you don't have to get in that kind of detail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I went through really, I got married super, super young and it was really tough. It was tough. And then maybe after dating someone for a couple of months, a couple of years, you can get into some of the, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is what I went through. This is why I don't drink. This is why I don't meet people at bars. Right? But that's not a conversation you come into right on day one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
It's like, yeah, I'm 24, I'm divorced. And by the way, there's a disorienting feeling, right? If there was like a... yesterday I was driving home, okay? Yesterday I was driving home and all of a sudden I saw all these guys, there's a house that's being built in my neighborhood. They knocked down an old house and they're building a new one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And all of a sudden, all these guys just start running across the street. Traffic is wild. They're running across the street. It's a residential street, but it's backed up for what looks like a mile. They start sprinting across the street, holding sticks and shovels. And I'm like, what are they doing? And I look up and there's a car that has just...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
been nailed and it is upside down and these guys who were building this house were running across the street to try to help this person who's trapped in the car i immediately zoom up pull off and there's already three or four guys in that car i'm trying to meet around the car and i don't still to this day i don't know how this happened But this woman got out without a scratch on her. It was wild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I could not believe what I saw. Every airbag was deployed. The windshield shattered. And that woman, I reached in and grabbed her hand and pulled her out of this car. It was wild. And here's the thing I was thinking as I was walking over there. If that had been me, the police report would have said, you know, whatever, mid-40-year-old male, adult male. And I don't feel like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Does that make sense? Or if I went and punched somebody, or let's say Kelly hit somebody, it would say 65-year-old woman commits assault, and she's not 65, I'm just playing. It's weird to read that stuff in writing, especially as we're an adult, because we don't feel that old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And when you're a kid, the word divorced means like 50.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You know what I mean? And you're 24.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And so let that feel weird for a minute. And give yourself some time and some grace and some peace to settle into. This is my life. And I kept myself safe. I don't have anything to apologize for. I'm heartbroken that it didn't work out. And I'm not ever going to forget that when things were good, they're real good. And I'm not going to forget when things were bad, they were real scary. Real scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And so I kept myself safe. And I get to tell that story on my terms. And if somebody wants to not date me because I'm not, then that's fine. But I want you to give yourself peace, Marie, that over time, give yourself grace because that peace will return. Man, what an amazing thing. I kept myself safe. I did the next hard, scary thing. So when do you tell them? Whenever you want to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
When do you disclose it? Whenever it feels right. In whatever bite-sized chunks it feels right to you. I'm proud of you, sister. I'm proud of you. Let's go do the next right thing. And whenever you meet the next right person, call in. I'll talk to him. We'll give him the Kelly Deloney screening. I was going to say the Kelly enema, but that sounded all kind of weird. So, hey, we'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What's up, family? Listen, there's a lot of talk these days about all the shenanigans in our food and in our drinks. Everybody's talking about food dyes, colors, the nasty chemicals, the pesticides. I am not a food and nutrition scientist, but I know none of this stuff sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
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The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Organifi Green Juice is a detoxifying mix of 11 superfoods like ashwagandha, and they help boost your immune system, reduce stress, and overall just help you feel good. Their red juice is filled with antioxidants and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without the caffeine jitters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And finally, right now, don't forget about Organifi's greatest hits album, the Organifi Starter Kit. That includes red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go. Right now, you can save 20% off the starter kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Just stop for a second and go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney for 20% off the kit and everything else on their site. Go check them out. You're worth it. All right, we're back. Kelly, what's something awesome that happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That is true. I'm on the downhill slope.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What qualifies as mid?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Oh, you have to add that to late?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I saw insure in your automatic re thing from Amazon. I saw it. You have a subscription to insure. That's all I'm saying. Lands on your desk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I think... That's definitely late.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I think 4 to 7 is mid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You're such a liar. Okay. What's the good thing that happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
This section is brought to you by Geritol. It's how Kelly keeps her teeth in. This section is brought to you by Pampers Adult.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Dude, that sounds like a Deloney commercial, man. That's fantastic, Lucy from McKinney. Way to go. I don't even know what to say to that. That's just amazing. And if you will put the time in, Hey, can I, can I do one call out for Lucy? Um, that first retreat that you take is going to be hard. It's going to be weird. And the second retreat is just like follow the roadmap, which do what this says.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And we get done. And it's like, it's kind of gives us a plan. That third one that you begin to make your own and like, like you use a guide, but you do it on your own terms. Dude, that's when you get into the magic. Like, and I love that. She said, we have six kids. We've been married for a long time. And I still don't know that dude. Right. You ask those questions. You're like, wait, what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Um, I just love in the making of the intimacy deck. I learned things about my wife and she learned things about me. It was just fascinating. Continue to do that, which I love it. Lucy, you're, um, you're in the sky with diamonds. Way to go. Does that sound good? I'm not a Beatles fan, but I'm going to let that one rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
All right. And hey, everybody, if you have extra baby food left over, that's pretty much what Kelly's eating these days. So if you could ship it, just send it any way you want it to get here. And she loves it. Sweet potatoes and apples, liquid are her favorite. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If you want to be on, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Love to have you on and figure out what's going to happen next in your life. And hey, all right, so we have this first caller that's up. He is, I'm going to go ahead and invite him on. Auburn, Alabama. Jesse, you there? I'm here, Dr. John. What's up, my brother? How we doing? I'm doing okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Never before in what, 700 plus episodes of this show have I been so incredibly lit up like a Christmas tree on the internets for how badly I just totally screwed up. Jesse was on the show. Kelly and I talked and I was like, dude, let's get Jesse back on the line. Jesse, you there? What's going on? What is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So can I, can I tell you, um, That was outstanding. And I'm really honored that you laid that out there that way. Well done. It was well done. How did your conversation go with... Let me pause real quick for everybody listening. And you're like, what is he talking about? Maybe they missed the episode. Jesse called me and there was a... Jesse had chosen to...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
only sleep with the person he was going to be married to. And his wife didn't have that same value system when they got married. And then they have been inseparable since. And, um, and then Jesse found out that on a work trip with some friends, she was talking about her past. She was talking about it was the greatest time of her life. And it was when the good stuff happened and whatever. And, um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Jesse, I took Jesse down a whole different path, right? And so that made people uncomfortable. And Jesse, I want to tell you, I didn't do a good enough job, I think, in that call of, I guess I'm going to say it this way. I came into that call with a bias. And it's my personal bias. And I think it's because I get so many calls about partners who had different value sets before they were together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And somebody trying to hold them accountable for values that... I let my own baggage come into this conversation. And what I didn't hear, because I was too blinded by my own bias, what I didn't hear was a guy saying, hey, dude, I really love my wife, but... She hurt me. What do I do next? Yeah. And that's on me, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I want you to hear me say I'm sorry that I missed that because I had a hurting guy in front of me, and I chose to take something that I'm increasingly frustrated about culturally, and I made you the whipping boy for that. So I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Well, how did the conversation go with your wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
All right. So I'm going to give everybody the backstory here. So Jesse was on the show probably a month ago, three weeks ago, two weeks ago. Okay. That's right. So Jesse was on the show talking about a complicated issue. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Is it because you know in your guts it wasn't a joke or there was a little bit of truth to it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You said it so good. 20s were wheels off. 30s, we had kids and built a life. And then 40s, they start to get stale. They get routine. People just get into the roles. And I'm wondering if you feel that too. And to hear her and to read it, how she articulated what she was feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
As a sense of regret, as a sense of the good old days, as a sense of this is just, I'm kind of, like to use your train analogy, I'll just get dragged behind this train now. That's just the way my life is. But man, it used to be. And there's some sense of, I guess there's some sense of truth to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That's why comedians, I think, they're modern-day prophets, right? Because they make you laugh, but they're like, ooh, that's kind of true, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Is she unwilling to admit that there's distance between y'all now? That happened before this, this kind of shined a light on it, but that... We were kind of just running side by side, and it's time, you hear me say this on the show all the time, it's time to clear the deck. Let's build something new, man. We're in decade three. Let's build something rad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And it's, you have to, you have to practice novelty and playfulness. Those things are hard, right? When you're been married to the same person for 20 something years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Never before in, what, 700-plus episodes of this show have I been so incredibly lit up like a Christmas tree on the internets for how badly the internet people said I blew the call. I just totally screwed up. And so... Kelly and I talked and I was like, dude, let's get Jesse back on the line. Cause here's the deal. I get to hang up the phone, right? I hang up the phone. I finished the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Follow-Up Call: My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Let me, let me say this. Let me say this. Can I ask, can I challenge you on another thing on the other side? Yeah. Um, is there anything you're not bringing to the table? Or have you said, have you said out loud, I feel a distance and I want us to begin to build something new with our marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And hopefully she would say, I realize that me talking about that impacts us, and I won't do that. That would be my hope. That sounds like the kind of woman she is. Am I wrong?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I know. I think my gut, A, I get it. Your wife told some stuff that you thought we weren't talking about. Yeah. And I always caution people to be careful when they tell somebody else they can't tell their story. Right. Okay? But I think that I don't know how to move forward is you are finding out you're someone that you don't recognize. Because you thought you were in a different place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And that's where anytime I find myself, oh, I thought I was super in self-control, like I had great self-control here. And something happens and I snap or I get mad or I get angry or whatever, I need to go say, dude, I'm so sorry. I thought I was in a different place. I'm not. And that's why I say, like, I think this is one of those moments where you go and say, I'm so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
For 20 years, I didn't even realize this. I thought I was better than you. I've been pretending that a chunk of you didn't exist. And then you get to decide, I want to hear some of these stories. Tell me about them. We've been together 20 years. We've made humans together. I can hear the stories. Or you can say, I don't want to hear the details. I don't need that in my head.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I don't want to picture you with other. I don't want that. I don't want that. But it sounds to me like, again, I don't want to reiterate myself over and over, but it sounds like the problem, the challenge, the stuck you feel is that, oh, my gosh, I didn't think it was going to. I thought I was past it. You, my friend, are not. You're still right back where you were.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So as much as you feel comfortable, it's put on the table. And every conversation starts with an I statement. I think your marriage is going to be good, man. I think you're going to be good. I think you got some work to do. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, listen. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I don't mean the endless streams of lame videos or the rise of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
My red light therapy panels, my infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. And you can check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney. Use coupon code Deloney to save 15% off your entire order. All right, let's be honest. There's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health, separate from... Listen, it's all just health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
It all works together and everything's connected. It's impossible to be whole in one area and struggling in another. So if you're ready to make positive physical changes that can help restore some balance to your whole self, check out TrainWell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get stronger and better. I love the workouts. My wife loves them. And we both love how they adapt to my crazy travel schedule too. Trainwell takes away our excuses and makes working out easy and they can do it for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. They still have a special offer just for my audience, $69 a month when you lock in your plan. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash deloney. Check it out. Let's go out to Los Angeles, California, and talk to Nikki. Not Nikki Sixx, but just regular Nikki. What's up, Nikki?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Excellent. I'm glad you're here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I don't know. Tell me more. Tell me more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Who would be on the other side? She's not married. She doesn't have kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Do you see this escalating in a certain trend direction?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What does that mean? Some views that haven't changed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Is her family behind closed doors, people who could metabolize the fact that she's in recovery?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So I hear the hurt in your voice, okay? Let me ask you a few questions. So you say the glory days. Did your wife have multiple sexual partners back in college?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. So tell me if I'm out to lunch here. Here's what I'm picking up. Number one, you've been super close, totally vulnerable, 100% open to a person for a quarter century, and you found out that they kept a huge secret from you for a long time, and you're really hurt by that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. I wrestle with the disease. That's a whole other conversation, but I'll just use this language. Your friend's been sick for a long, long, long time. And a function of the sickness is secrecy as a matter of survival.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And so you can. You can choose to say, you lied to me for 25 years or 23 years. Or you can say, after 23 years, I'm so deep in my bones, grateful that you found me the only safe person you could tell. Because as well as you know her, I can almost guarantee you, you don't know the ins and outs of what she grew up with in her house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. So the second part of that is anytime somebody's in recovery, recovery 101 is you got to be honest with people. But you got to be honest with people who can accept your honesty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And if her family cannot accept her honesty, then it makes sense that she doesn't just come home and say, hey, everybody, here you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Because there's a chicken and an egg to addiction, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Like you don't just become somebody who struggles with alcohol in a vacuum. Usually those seeds are planted along the way. And we drink, people who struggle with alcoholism, they drink because it works. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
It's a powerful, powerful numbing tool to make whatever pain is in there, whether that's from mom, whether that's from dad, whether that's from abuse, whether that's from assault, and who knows why, but it works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
difference between the two of us um hold on hold on let me just answer that question did she have multiple partners back in college she did okay she did um yeah and so y'all been married 20 years and you found some text messages that she was texting some co-workers male or female co-workers it's actually a group account social media um that she has um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So what I can't tell is, are you burdened by... Are you burdened by... I guess I'm just trying to put myself in your shoes. If I had a friend who's been a friend for 25 years and I've got several friends who've been friends that long. If one of them said, hey, dude, I'm a long-term alcoholic. I've been struggling for a long, long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I'm coming to visit my family and I'm going to need to go to a couple of meetings and I'm not telling them. And so I'm going to tell them that you're at your place. I mean, if that, I would gladly take that. I wouldn't lie for you. You can tell people whatever you want to tell them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Right? Yeah. I can't tell if the burden is the problem or if I can really honest, Nikki, and this is me with you at the table, okay? It sounds like when she disclosed this, you went like you rose above her in who's righteous and who's not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Yes. Any of us who have ever have friends or loved ones who have struggled with addiction know exactly what you just experienced. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And it's exhausting and it's frustrating. And so let me tell you this, you have permission to set strong boundaries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What's the other option? You get to pick in that moment when she says, hey, I've not had a drink for two months and was calling you to celebrate. You get to pick one of two things, a story that she's lying to you yet again, or a story that, oh my gosh, she is on the path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Either one of those stories have no impact on her. The only person they impact is you. And so you can pick, yeah, right. You lied to me for 25 years. You're still lying to me. Or, yeah, dude, anytime, anytime outside of a TV show that somebody says it's time, there's always fits and stops and starts. And falling off the wagon, getting back up, falling off the wagon.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You hear me say on the show, I took it from the recovery community, the day one language is day one. And lots of people who go to recovery have lots of day ones. Because you're learning how to feel that hurt that alcohol has been working so well to take away for so long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And it's exhausting. Both are true. And what you want right now is both and. You want to be her person, but you don't want the weight of being her person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That's fair. And I think that's where you can come in and say, I can't be your only anymore. And by the way, I'm not going to do things that violate my core value, which is like keep secrets from my husband. Not going to do that. Yeah. If you want help from me, of course, I'm going to bring him along. How dare you? You broke my trust.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay, then you're asking me to violate one of my core, core values. I'm not going to lie to your family. You can tell them you're over my house. Fine. I'm not going to go out of my way to lie for you. Yeah. I'll go with you to meetings or I need to know why they're suddenly so unsafe that you have to lie to them, that you're bringing me into this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But what you're not establishing, I think, that's important is like wipe the table clean and just spend a minute with you. It's probably good to journal about this a little bit. Write it down. Okay. What are my values? Or in another way to say it more directly, who am I? I'm a woman who never keeps secrets from her husband, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So when she was talking about the quote-unquote glory days, give me some examples.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You need to tell her that directly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
When you come here, I can't just sit by and have you lie to all of our friends because that violates one of my core values, which is I don't lie to my friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And so if y'all want to get together and we all hang out, that's fine. But you can't go on these tirades about how wonderful everything is when you're drowning. And I'm the only one who knows it. It's not fair to me. Especially because all these other women love you as much as I do. But you see how it comes back to not something she's doing, but it's one of your values that's being violated.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm not going to lie to my friends. And when you come here and do that, I feel like I'm put in a position to either support you or lie to them. And I'm not going to lie to my friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Right. And so one of my things I've done multiple times is tell people, hey, you got 48 hours and then I'm going to get some other people involved in this. So you can control the story for 48 hours. You go make the phone calls you need to make. You send the text message, whatever you need to do. I am going to bring other people into this in 48 hours, 72 hours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Because I can't carry the weight of this anymore. If you tell anybody you're totally no, no, no, no, no. You brought this to me. And I love you enough for you to not like me right now so that 10 years from now we are able to laugh and I'm not at your funeral.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That's probably one of the most common things I've said over my career is I'd much rather you hate me right now and be alive to hate me 10 years from now than the other way around. You'd like me now and not be here in 10 years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So I think if, if possible, is there an opportunity for y'all to see each other in person soon?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. I would tell her we need to have a hard conversation next month. Give her some time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I think it's worth you writing down your bullet points of that conversation so that it doesn't get, because people who struggle with addiction are amazing at shifting the conversation. Part of the illness is honesty and ability to see reality as it is, right? All that's part, it's baked into it. And so the best you can do to not take it all personal, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
As her dishonesty is a personal attack on you versus her dishonesty is a way her body's telling her, this is what we have to do to stay alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Right? That's why making amends is so important, circling back and saying, I lied to you for this many years and I'm sorry. But that comes after. That's not step one, right? Right. And so you backing up and saying, hey, here's how this is going to go from here on out. You came to me and told me this. I'm taking the reins on my life now. Here's how this is going to go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm bringing in these four people in 48 hours. You can get everybody together and we can have a conversation and we'll rally around you. We'll pray for you. We'll get you whatever wall pool or money. If you need to go to rehab, go to 30 date, whatever. But I can't carry this by myself anymore. Screw you. I can't believe I trusted you. Yeah, I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But she deserves to hear that from you directly. I think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
okay expect that to not go well don't be surprised if it doesn't go well and again this is so easy for me to do but to say it from over here but do your best to not take it personally even though it will it will hit you right in the middle of the chest and she'll probably say some things about like i know you struggle with this and you did that i didn't you're right you're right cool great grand
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
In 48 hours, I'm telling our four friends. In 48 hours, I'm calling your sister. In 48 hours, I'm calling your big brother. Unless you can tell me why that person's not safe. But I can't carry this anymore, and I'm worried you're going to die. I get pretty direct with it. And generally, those conversations, it's great to have a phone number or two for somebody to call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I've even done research right here. Here's a place in your area. We'll get you in. We'll get you in. But yeah, your boundaries are right. I think y'all have strung this thing along now that so far now that you're still holding on to this trust violation. Let that go. You have a friend who's just deeply, deeply hurting. Let that stuff go for right now. Y'all can circle back on that later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What we're worried about now is I'm worried about her not being here anymore. And that means as a friend, I got to risk being hated, being not liked, being called names. Because I'm over my head and I need some help. And we're not keeping this secret anymore. Thanks for the call, Nikki. Go do the next right thing. Holler back at us and let us know how that conversation goes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And if your friend wants to call in the show, I'd love to talk to her. It's awesome. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, yes, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But if you ask me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential romantic partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are all bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, ask yourself, how can I learn what I value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
The story about, so she went into detail about having sex with one of these dudes or a couple of these dudes and what she liked about it, didn't like about it and all that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Therapy can help you figure out your values, help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, you're married, or you're building a friendship, or you're just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
All right, let's go back out to California and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Just remarkable. What's up in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Well, I'm glad you're here. Cannonball in what's up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Awesome. Um, a little bit, but I don't even know what your really, your original question is all the way. So go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Did you have big life changes? And I have a...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Gosh, hold on. Those are big life changes, Marie. Good God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
No, nothing's changed. I just have three humans I created in the last four years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay, I want to do a thing with you. Is that cool? I'm sorry to interrupt you. I want to do a thing with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And then on the count of three, on the count of three, I want you to snap them open. Okay. Like, over-exaggerate. You're in your car. Nobody's watching. And if they are, they're going to think you're weird already. Three, two, one. Snap them open. Okay. You're wide-eyed right now. Yes. Pretend it's 3 a.m. Okay. What is your body desperately trying to get your attention for?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
How do you know it's the tip of the iceberg?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
In some of these thoughts spin outs, do you look over and see your husband just peacefully dead asleep next to you and you just want to punch him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm going to rattle some things off to you, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Number one, I like to start with the idea that my body's not broken.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I want to start with the idea that my body's doing the best it can. That's not always the case, but most of the time it is. Yeah. So if you have three young kids. I do. And I'm going to rattle off four or five things, okay? See if any of these hit home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If you don't have active, engaged relationships with other women on or about your age or some help with those kids, your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so, so grateful that you're with us. Wherever you happen to be, I hope you're doing well. I hope life's going okay. And I hope you are making good choices. I'm looking at a couple of folks behind the glass that don't make good choices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If you and your husband owe a bunch of money and your amygdala knows, I've got three kids and if one thing happens during this Christmas season and we don't make this sale or we don't get this thing or his raise doesn't come through, they're gonna take our house and our cars and our food.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If any of that is true, even if it's bananas, that's way down the road, your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. If you can't think of the last time you wrote things down or you felt like you were doing anything. You ever been skiing before, water skiing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay, so you know what I'm about to say. Whenever you're water skiing and you're behind the boat and you wave like, all right, go. For the first 30 yards, you're just getting blasted in the face with water until you can get up on top of the water. When you have a one-year-old, God help you, much less a four-year-old and a three-year-old on top of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
most of your day feels like I'm getting dragged behind the boat and I can't get on top of the water.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And if your body knows any one thing that doesn't get done, the whole day falls over. It would be failing you if it let you sleep. So what happens is you go and you go and you go and you go and you go and you tell yourself a story. I don't have time to sit down and journal. I don't have time to go have a cup of coffee with somebody. I don't have time to go talk to a counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
My husband, I don't have time or any money to get somebody to come watch the kids for half a day so we can reimagine our marriage because our marriage is completely different than it was four years ago. Then your body's going to crash for three hours, take the minimum amount of sleep it can get by on, and it's going to spring you back awake because it is under threat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Loneliness, clutter, debt, existential angst, anxiety. And what I mean by that is lots of scrolling, lots of news watching, lots of people making predictions about the future. And they're trying to get you to buy stuff because by terrifying you. And you got three little kids. Your body is not wired to absorb all of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So it may be that you're not broken as much as there's just some things you got to do differently during the day. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So in counseling, one of the terms we use is leakage. It's just a gross word, I know, but it is what it is. Those fears and those thoughts and those to-dos, they will find their way out of your body. You can take the time throughout the day and write them down, or they will wake you up in the middle of the night to get out, but they will come out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I understand that what I'm asking a mother of three, are you working or are you staying at home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. Can you honestly look me in the face even though we're on the phone and tell me you aren't dreadfully lonely?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Do you see them in person? Do you all hang out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You talk about real stuff?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
We do. Excellent. Will y'all commit to writing things down? Yeah, I will. And commit to saying, okay, I need somebody to come over twice a week so I can go for a walk by myself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I need a nap during the day. Or for you right now, I need to stay up during the day and I'm going to use that time to write, even though all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep because I'm so tired. I can't even see straight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
He can be wonderful and you can be wonderful. Yeah. But y'all can both be great, but you both may be operating on old software.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Awesome. So a couple of just tricks of the trade. If you bust wide awake at three o'clock in the morning, Yeah. After 10 minutes, get up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I want you to smile and say, well, I guess it's time to get up. And then I want you to go into another room and get out a notebook, a journal of some sort, and write down, all right, you woke me up. What do we got to do? And here's all I want you to do. I want you to write on a list all the stuff that's in your head. Just get it out of your head and onto a piece of paper. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And then I want you to take that list and really quickly at 3 a.m. divide it up. What are these? Can I do tomorrow? What are this is existential and I can't do anything about it. You can't do anything personally about the fires in California. You can't personally do anything about the state of the world economy and the rise of AI. You can't do anything about that. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You can say, I've got five amazing friends. Once a week, everybody's coming over for dinner. Husband, I love you. You're out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I can say, hey, husband, you and I need to get on budget because we're going to stop being in debt because I'm tired of my body waking me up at 3 a.m. because we're under existential threat because we owe all this money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Do you hear what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. If a couple of weeks of that doesn't stop... Oh, by the way, after that, go get a book and a light, like a low-glow light. a non blue light and just read some fiction in the living room until your eyes start to really droop and then go back and get in bed. But here's what we need to do. We need to retrain our bodies that are, they don't go to war in that bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So if we go to war, we get up because I don't want my body to begin to tense up and anticipate going to bed and then sleep, sleep, sleep. And then it crashes and it wakes up like, Oh, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep. And then it just, you're training your body that that's where we fight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
After a few weeks, if this is not getting any better, I want you to call your OB-GYN and say, I'm really struggling. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And... I won't give brand names. I'm very weary of sleep meds, especially, I won't give brand names, but sleep hypnotics. They don't put you to sleep. They make you unconscious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But they also, in the very short term, can help retrain yourself. Like this is a place where we go to sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So carefully and thoughtfully, I would sit down with a doctor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But hear me say, commit today, I'm going to stop going to war with my body. If it's waking me up at three, it probably is trying to get my attention about something. I just need to figure out what that is. And for some people, just shifting the posture of go to sleep instead of, whew, I'm glad you woke me up. What's up? Sometimes that's enough just to drop your whole body posture. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Sometimes creating time at 9 a.m. in the morning to write down, all right, here's what I need to get done today. Here's what must get done. Here's what I'd love to get done. And here's end of time if I don't, right? All that. Yeah. But I'm going to get those things out maybe at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Which again, I'm making stuff up. I'm talking to a mom of three kids under four.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That's lots of booties to wipe and lots of baths to get. I get it. I get it. I get it. If you got 10 minutes, five minutes where you can just exhale and say, I'm really grateful for my husband. I'm really grateful for these three crazy kids. I'm really grateful for this house. I'm just going to take a minute to see how I feel and check in with myself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And if I'm not doing okay, I'm going to have that text thread of those four or five women that I just love because I'm so blessed by them. I'm going to send out a note. Not doing okay, but think about me tonight. If you want to come have a cup of hot tea on the back porch, come over to my house. But everyone has to leave at 845 because I'm going to bed at nine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But let's begin to try to let some of that stuff out. during the day and try to get some actual solution plans. The body is amazing at dealing with stressful things when it knows you're driving. It will wake you up every three hours if it thinks there's no driver and the car is just careening off the edge of a cliff. You can be in the driver's seat driving off the cliff and you won't be anxious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You'll be nervous. You'll be frustrated. You'll be exhausted. You'll be annoyed, but you're not anxious. Your body's waking you up because it doesn't think anybody's driving. So we're going to find teeny tiny pockets of digging in and finding out, okay, why do you keep waking me up? I need to let you know I'm driving. I know. I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I know I want to get all these bottles washed, and I know it's not the end of time if I don't. I know I want to get these diapers purchased. It will be fine. It'll be annoying tomorrow, but it'll be fine. Let's get all that on paper before 9 o'clock before we go to bed. And again, a couple weeks of some really intentional, I'm not going to fight you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm going to get up, go to the other room, call your doctor. Say, I'm really, really struggling with sleep. Can we talk about it? You aren't broken, Marie. You're not broken. You're doing good. Those three little kids, they're lucky, lucky, lucky to have you as their mama. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internets now. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Everything's on the internet now. So much of our lives exist there. And because so much of our lives take place on the internet, it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete.me sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So listen, we can't really avoid the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with delete me today and get 20% off all of the delete me plans. And that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join delete me.com slash Deloney right now to sign up. That's J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Oh, by the way, during the break, I gave that last caller building an on anxious life. I think that'd be a good roadmap for them, her and her husband to walk through. Dude, Kelly, there's nothing worse. I just have PTSD, not diagnosed, but just imaginary PTSD from those years when I couldn't sleep. Oh, my gosh. Getting wake up 3 a.m., 3 a.m., 3 a.m., 3 a.m. All right. So something cool happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
All right, this is from... I almost made the best joke about rolling over and seeing you, but I didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I didn't make it. I didn't make the joke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You can't triple stamp or double stamp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You and her brought her past into your marriage. You signed up for it. Yeah. Right? And I think in your mind, putting it behind us means we're going to pretend this never happened. Yeah. And that's, that is like, it's, that's not a reality. Like it did happen. All of it happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I know murder of crows but I'm just thinking like a murder of...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I'm in on that. If somebody wants to write in to johndeloney.com slash ask and put name of gang in the byline, if we pick your name, we'll send you a bunch of Deloney gear. That would be awesome. We could do felonies. The felonies? That's how it always autocorrects, is to felony.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Yeah. Or to baloney. Hey! High five. What was it? Who was that? Dawn, D-A-W-N?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Excellent. I am so proud of you. I don't love that you texted it, but hey, you know what? I'm super happy that it happened. And in case you're wondering, there's outliers everywhere. Most husbands I know would love to get a text message from their wife saying things that she wants to do in the bedroom. Hashtag just saying. Probably be awesome if you said it, but man, the text, good place to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Doesn't surprise me that he immediately responded with, awesome, cool, great, I'm in, right? Yes, not a surprise. Awesome, everybody. Thank y'all for joining us on the show. I think like a theme of the show today, Kelly, was like, if your friends or loved ones do something and it sets something off inside of you, You got to look in the mirror first. Let's be with each other. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And now that she's had 20 years with somebody who's safe and stable and predictable, she can look back on some of the stuff that happened and be like, yeah, that was actually a good time. It was stupid and we're young and dumb and whatever. But I'm just thinking of – I don't know. Every time I get with old friends, we tell old stories. And again, to your point, they were there, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Did y'all have an agreement that we're not talking about this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
But, bro, that was 20 years ago, and it's like you're finding out today. Where is that coming from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I know. Somewhere your couriers took a tragic turn. But for everybody listening, I'm glad y'all are here. It's good to talk to you all and good to be with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
You had a value. And you held on to that value. Mm-hmm. She did not have that value. She didn't hang on to that value. And then y'all found each other and you decided to have new values together and then create a life together, which you have for two decades. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
So, regardless of her past, you going back and trying to retroactively suggest that you're somehow better than she was, like... it's an unfair standard because y'all didn't agree on something that then you both went and one of you did, you, you agree, you kept with the agreement. One of you violated the agreement. I guess my question is for you, like these things happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Y'all met, you found love. You decided to build a life together and we'll, we'll get to the appropriate sharing or inappropriate sharing. We'll get there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
If you want to be on the show, real people going through real challenges, mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on, dealing with grief, dealing with, I hope things, I wish things were going to be a certain way. They're not anymore. Whatever you got going on, I'll sit with you. 1-844-693-3291. You can leave a message and we'll holler back at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
It sounds like there's multiple things going on here. I think that you stop me at any time and tell me that I'm wrong or I'm out to lunch. But You say you, quote unquote, put these in your past. You absolutely have not. They haunt you. You're right. Even calling them sexcapades. Like, you've got a picture and a story in your head of what happened. Do you know what happened back in college?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Or is it all just rumor and conjecture and story?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Okay. So number one, you want to pretend this never happened and you've pretended that for 20 years. Yes. And you can say, I don't want to know a number. I don't want to know names. I don't want to know dates. I don't want to know. And I know people like that. Cool. But that's a choice you're making to not be invested. And when you find out a piece of that information...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
To then say, well, I didn't even know that happened. Well, you never asked. Right? And yes, I totally get, like, there are parts of her story that you want to remain private. But it sounds like, and again, tell me if I'm wrong, brother, it sounds like you're embarrassed that other people might find out that the woman you married had consensual sex with multiple people back in college.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go to Auburn, Alabama and talk to Jesse. Hey, Jesse, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Yes, that is completely right. Okay. That's a tough pill to swallow, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I don't know how to handle it. So until you can move past this idea that you're better than her and you can move past this idea that somehow she is tainted and something's gross and wrong about her, you're always going to have shadows in your marriage, my brother. Yeah. You haven't made peace with this. And I'll say make peace, like wish it never happened. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I don't know anybody who wishes their partner had had a whole bunch of previous people before them. Right. I get that. But you're choosing to pick and choose parts of her that you deem acceptable and Which tells her, hey, part of you is not welcome in this house. Part of your story is not welcome here. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see about it. We're going to pretend it never happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And we're going to go on and pretend with a charade that we have this family. Do you know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
That's fair, and I appreciate it. That's why I say I can hear it on you how bad the hurt is, but I don't know that it's hurt as much as you're embarrassed that somebody's going to find out that somebody else slept with your wife back in college 20 years ago. What am I supposed to do, Mike?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I would sit down with my wife and say for 20 years I've walked around with a story that I'm somehow better than you and I'm not and I'm so sorry that I put that on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I know. That's okay. And then the next level is it makes me super uncomfortable for you to be out talking about these things from your past as though they were wonderful and exciting and great. It makes me feel less than. It makes me feel small. That the last 20 years weren't as fun or exciting or whatever. Makes me feel less than. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
I don't know how much of what you think she was telling them, how great it was and all these fun sexcapades. Or if she was just telling a story, like one person says, oh yeah, one time in college I did this. She's like, oh God, one time in college I did this. And it may not be as sensational or wild as you are in your head or telling yourself that it was. Maybe it actually was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
Maybe it actually was. Yeah. But then all of this starts with I statements. I married you knowing this about you. And I loved you. I still love you. And man, I've been walking around thinking I somehow was better than you because at 18, 19, and 20, I made different choices than you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
And I'm uncomfortable when you roll out the laundry list to some people that I don't even know that are somewhat strangers to me because it makes me, I feel less than. That somehow I haven't been fun, I haven't been exciting, that your life you have now wasn't as great as the wild, adventurous life you had when you were 20, 21, 22. Yeah. And she might look at you and say, you're right, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Brags to Friends About Her Past Sex Life
It's just been downhill for 20 years. I doubt it though. She's probably going to say, this is the life I dreamed of. And I love doing life with you. And you knew this about me. And yes, I got caught up with some friends, telling stories, blowing things out of proportion, exaggerating, you know, like, oh, you know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And in your case, a therapist, in your case, um, a recovery community that walks with you, that you outsource some of that too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But I want you to know, listen, if you can, there are fewer things on planet earth, more difficult to navigate, um, Than disordered eating. Yeah. Because if you're addicted to cocaine, you can just quit using cocaine. You quit surrounding yourself with cocaine. You quit buying cocaine. You can avoid it. Yeah. You can't avoid food. You have to make peace with it. Yeah. That's hard. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're in a somewhat similar situation here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You can't avoid this guy. You can't get him fired. You can't run him out. So I'm going to make peace with it. And what that means is I'm going to feel those feelings. And then, like, you might grab the hem of your shirt and just squeeze it once. I tend to touch my chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
It started from something that I did with a therapist, but it's just a quick little thing, and it's just a reminder I get to control what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And my feelings don't tell me the truth. That's not their job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And if you're a 50-year-old woman who seeks long-term romantic connection.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And you find a funny witty guy that notices you in meetings and is kind and fun and would never cheat on his wife but kind of likes the flirty, but I mean, you know, like, of course your heart's going to swell up. Yeah. And then you got to do the next right thing, which I think for you is take yourself out of proximity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And when you have to be in proximity, don't give it any more power than it deserves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
We're not giving him any power. These decisions are based on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
If you have to skip work because this person is so intoxicating, if you have to not go to social events.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Because this person is so intoxicating. That's not about him. That's about you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Because he's going on with his job. He's going on with his life. He's going on with his marriage. Yeah. And so I think your meta here is he's just a drug. You already knew that. Your friends are telling you the same thing I'm telling you in community, which are, uh, You're giving him way too much power. And C, I want you to... I want to reaffirm what your friends are telling you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're stronger than you think you are. And just because you have... Like, he walks in the room and your body still swoons. Great. Cool. Okay. Going on to the next thing. It's going to take a while. Right? It'll take a while. And... It will take, I hate to use this word, it will take practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But what you're going to find yourself is you're going to find yourself stronger and stronger and stronger. And you have to put in some pretty firm boundaries. I will not be around this person alone. I won't go to lunch with this person. I'm not going to go for walks with this person. I'm not, like, fill in the blank. And otherwise, I'm going to go out on a date.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And when I'm in a meeting and he says something funny and I laugh out loud, great. I get to choose if there's romantic interest there. And I get to choose to water that. Or I get to choose to say, that's an attractive guy. Let it flow through me. I'm going to go do the next right thing. And for everybody listening.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
work we're so lonely we're so isolated just as people that work has taken on everything it's the last place we have in person in a human connection and so sometimes deep connection sometimes flirty fun connection can feel deeply and powerfully romantic and it's not it can become it but we have to make choices man it's hard it's hard we have to choose i keep saying that do the next right thing feel it
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Grab the hem of your garment. Pinch your thumb and your finger together. Take a quick inhale breath. Touch your chest. Whatever the thing you have to do. And then go to the next right thing. But if you consciously say to yourself, this doesn't have power over me. It won't. Thanks for the call, friend. I don't think you're broken, Olivia. I don't think you're broken.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I think you're attracted to an attractive guy. I think the big question is, what are you going to do and who are you going to be in the following minutes, hours, months, years? And I also think you've proven to yourself, don't run quite so quickly. You're a therapist in your recovery community. You're correct. Give yourself three or four or five times to interact with somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You did break up with somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
to be in somebody's presence, you might surprise yourself that they like you too. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Everybody, hear this. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey, and that journey is usually not a straight line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Yeah. Tell me about what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Our journeys have stops and starts and ups and downs, victories and setbacks, and sometimes we are all gung-ho and focused, and other times our discipline slips, and we just follow one bad choice after another. Trust me, I know. One way to make our health journeys easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what we eat and what we drink.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I love Organifi because their whole food blends contain only the highest quality ingredients and they make it super easy to get all the benefits. Just mix Organifi with water or your favorite healthy beverage. That's it. Green juice is great in the morning. It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy and calm your mind and support you throughout the day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Organifi Red Juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. And remember, happy drops and she legit gummies every day. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off with code Deloney. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
It's the new year, my favorite time of year, when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping the things that aren't helpful in our lives, and overall, building a better life. We all know that most new go-get-em goals are a total waste of your time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals, and let's create better systems. And let's start by curating a system and goals that are good for our hearts and our souls. Let's start by focusing on our spiritual lives this year. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day and I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Halo offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, ask hard, hard questions and find some answers and find peace. Hallow has amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're getting the winks across the table. You're getting the laughter. But some other woman is washing his underwear. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Happy New Year. I hope you're doing great. We're a few weeks into the new year, but I'm recording this in last year. So I'm just assuming and hoping everything is rocking and rolling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. Go right now. All right, we are back. Let's go to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Devin. Hey, Devin, what's up, man? Hey, John, thanks for taking my call. You got it. So we talked back in September. Refresh us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
What was going on in your life back in September?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Were my recommendations not great? It's okay if they weren't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Tell me about today's call. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
So what has stopped you from sitting down and having, like, I wouldn't have been able to sleep for three months with the looming potential, like, separation. Like, what has kept you from sitting down over dinner and be like, hey, you mentioned you were leaving. Are we all in? Are you in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Man. It pains me to say what I'm about to say because it kind of violates one of my core tenets. Is that okay? Get after it. Your wife is incredibly immature. And I've got a close, close buddy that was telling me about this amazing therapist he has. And he said, what's so great is my therapist kind of his wife interpreter. And I was like, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
He's like, well, my wife will say things. And the therapist will be like, well, here's what she actually means. And it's so great. And I said, no, your therapist sucks. Because you're not supposed to have an interpreter. You're supposed to learn to be mature and just say the thing. Right? And, like, be an adult. And if somebody is always threatening to leave you, they have left. Yeah. They're out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And they aren't in. And so you can't build anything. All you can do is be drugged behind whatever truck she's driving down the road. Yeah. And so I guess what I would tell you is this isn't She's not being a person of fidelity in your marriage. Yeah. Right? In this way, correct, yes. Maybe she's not sleeping with somebody. Oh, sure, sure. I know what you mean. This is the same thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're like, yeah, she's not sleeping with anybody. Here's the thing. It's similar to guys who spend every waking moment that they're not at work on the golf course. And their wife is getting just scraps. And then when you call them on it, they're like, what? What? Are you kidding me? For real? I do all this? And it's that. That's not being a person. That's cheating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're just cheating with the golf course. Right? Yeah. What's happening to you is the same thing. It's just, hey, you said you're going to leave me and these two kids. Are you going to leave? Oh, no. Oh, no, man. Maybe that's infidelity. That's cheating. That is not giving you her full self. And so you're eating like you're just feeding on scraps. You're starving to death.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Like we're recording this. We're coming up on the new year. Yes. What if you let her know today, I've got childcare and we're going to take a Saturday and part of a Sunday and you and I are going to map out 2025 together. And here's how we're going to map it out. We're going to map it out in four ways. We're going to spend the morning talking about how we see each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
We're going to talk about things that we see the other person doing that are great. Then we're going to go to another restaurant. We're going to go get coffee. We're going to get morning brunch or whatever. And we're going to talk about known. What are the things going on in your guts? Are you happy in this home that we're creating together? How can we love each other better?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And both people get to speak. Then we're going to go to lunch together. And then either during lunch or after lunch, we're going to talk about celebration. Who do we want to be this year? What's that going to look like? Identity? How are we going to celebrate each other? How are we going to cheer each other on and become each other's biggest cheerleaders? And the fourth one is nuts and bolts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
How are we going to make this thing happen? What must go away so that this new year becomes true? Seeing, known, celebrate, and challenge. Okay. And let's say you put that on paper. Forget her little threats. If you think those threats are, they're just, they're toothless tigers, then at some point you have to be the adult and say, whatever, I'm going to keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Because y'all are in this weird dance. She loses power, and so she pokes, and you over-correct. She's going to leave, and you shut down for a month, and she gets back on top. And then you slowly start becoming a great husband again, and you're back engaged with the kids. And then she feels like she's losing it, so she's like, well, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Go right. Because here's the thing. If she's going to leave you, she's going to leave you. I totally agree. I think she's already left you. She's just left you in your own house. She's left you physically. She's left you emotionally. She's left you spiritually. She's left you. She's moved out. She just did the math. She probably sat with somebody and they did math.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And she's like, oh, I'd have to go to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
We're going to go on a retreat and we're going to talk about 2025. And that's when you lay out in 2025. I am you, Devin, I'm committed to being well. to being the best father and the best husband I can be. And that means I have to be honest about my time. I have to be honest about my work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I have to be honest about my commitment here at home, domestically, like with chores and stuff like that, and how I am seeking to be the best person I can be, exercise, sleep, and all that. So beginning January 3rd or January 1st or whenever, I'm no longer doing X, Y, and Z. I'm going to do dinner. I'm going to do my laundry. I'll do the kids' laundry. I will make the bed in the morning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I'll mow the lawn. I'm going to ask you to be responsible for afternoon or cleanup. We can figure out who's going to go to the grocery store. We can figure that out. You start nailing these things down. But if you do it as punishment, then you become her. Correct, that's my problem, yeah. We're not doing it for punishment. We're doing it so that you can be whole finally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You've never been whole in this relationship. And so you have to hear me say you're worth being whole. And here's the thing. My buddy Henry Cloud, like the goat psychologist, right, who wrote the book Boundaries, He has a great story about talking with a father about his son who's just living this crazy life. And he says, I don't know what to do. I give my son everything. I give my son everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I give my son everything. And Dr. Cloud has this great response. He said, it sounds like your son needs to get some problems. Yeah. And so your wife doesn't have to do anything. And you continue to cash out every bit of agency you have. Because this isn't a whole relationship. She's not a person of fidelity. And so what you have to say is, okay, this year, I'm not going to punish you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I'm not going to, I'm not making dinner anymore. No more laundry. No. When I look at my calendar, I will exercise for an hour a day. I will take my kids to breakfast and then get them to school twice a week. I will work. And I'm also going to get that graduate degree I've been thinking about. And so here's what that's going to cost. And here's what time that's going to take.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
So here's going to be the jobs left undone that as the co-creator of this household is going to be your responsibility. Are you in? And by the way, now that we're here, what are the things you need to be whole this year? And how can I help fill like scaffold those things? How can I walk alongside you? How can I love you better?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And what you're going to get is somebody feeling in real time, this isn't just a power play anymore. This isn't just sitting on the couch lobbing grenades. I may not be here tomorrow. It's not that. This is like, oh, hours, time, commitment, participation, accountability. The stuff marriage is made of. And here's the thing. You got to hear me say this. She's already left you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And so your plans aren't working. Your attempts to take hold and to get her to not leave, they're not working. She's already left. She just still lives at the house and you pay for everything. The goal here is to say, you deserve to be married to a man that is whole, who can show up and protect and provide and do all these things and be totally connected to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Here's what I'm going to need to do that. And I deserve to be married to somebody who's whole, who wants all in on this thing. What do you need? I'll do everything I can in my power to make that true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
My guess is that it's just going to, like, it's kind of like you have a really dirty windshield and you're flying down the highway at 95 miles an hour and you're afraid you're about to go off a cliff. And you're scared if you clean off this windshield, it's going to show you that you're going off a cliff. It might.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But the reality is you don't know where you're going because the windshield's so dirty. So we're going to get in a room and we're going to clear off the windshield. And maybe you're finding that you've already driven off the cliff and your car is just spinning its wheels as it's careening towards the ground.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Or you might find out that there's hundreds of miles of empty road ahead of you that you can keep driving together. But she has no incentive to change her life because she likes her life as it is because she does nothing. She just
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
pulls you around on a leash and she's always got this atom bomb in her pocket which is well maybe it won't be here tomorrow and for you it's all right that's not gonna hold power over me anymore i'm gonna go do the next right thing so that i can be whole and that's the only path you'll have towards hope towards building something new is saying here's the role i'm gonna play in building here's the role i am asking you to build to take on in our building are you in
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And, dude, call me after this meeting. Call me after it because this is going to be a truth-telling, a clearing. And maybe there's some ground rules, no leaving, no grenade throwing, no bombs, no what. We're just going to lay this thing out here. I need both of us to be adults in this thing. It's been a tough, tough year. And I've been chasing you forever. I'm going to stop chasing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
We're going to anchor in. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that our bodies had no idea even existed up until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And Bond Charge has a ton of other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, 100% blackout sleep masks, and more. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney, and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
All right, let's go out to Oklahoma City and talk to A-M-Y. What's up, Amy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
He's your new addiction. I don't think this is about him. I think this is about what he represents for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Sorry. No, you're good. Take a breath. You're all good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And you laid it out perfect. Upper management, witty, funny, sees you, laughs with you. And then, let's make it worse. You know what else he does? He's one of the few men that respects boundaries. Right? And then that makes him even more enticing. But, okay, so let me ask you this. Talk to me about relationships you've had in the past.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
All right. So let's start here. No more stonewalling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
That's a cheap way to regain what you feel like is power in your house, but it's not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
It doesn't work. And in a weird way, you bear... You bear the brunt of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Stonewalling is like that old AA saying, like, you're drinking poison hoping he dies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Right? You feel terrible. You feel annoyed. You feel like you can't go in your own bathroom or your own bedroom or your own kitchen. And he just says annoyed that you're acting that way again. So let's make a commitment now to not stonewall. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And that means you remaining empowered in your own socks and shoes. It's my house. When you say, I want a sober house or I want sober this or I want, I think we're past that because everybody can interpret that in its own way. I think you need some very clear boundaries for your home and for your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And whenever we hold clear boundaries, and I'll walk you through some of them, but whenever we hold clear boundaries, we have to know that other people don't have to hold our boundaries. He may leave. And that's a scary, scary proposition. But you are quickly becoming somebody that you don't recognize or respect. Because your house is increasingly less and less safe. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Okay. My guess is your husband does not have the capacity to stop drinking on his own. He needs to go see a professional or go to a treatment program.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
That's what I mean about boundaries. That's what I mean about boundaries. And here's how you cast it in choices he can make. You and I are talking right now on a Wednesday morning. A conversation has something like tonight after dinner, let him know we have a hard conversation we have to have tonight. And if you want to, you can say, I know about Saturday.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I know about all the stuff that happened on Saturday, and we're not going to debate it or discuss it. From this point forward, you have a choice. You can choose me, you can choose this home, or you can choose alcohol. What that means is by Friday, you will be at an inpatient or an outpatient treatment program, or you are choosing to no longer live in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And in that way, you're not kicking him out. He's a grown man. He has to make a choice. And if you're doing shift work and you're any kind of first responder shift work, 48 hours on, 48 hours off, that kind of thing, then there's a ton of employee assistance programs available.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But you've been trying to control his responses for X number of years. You have to at some point say this isn't working. I can't do it. It's just getting worse. Yeah. And by the way, he doesn't like who he's becoming either. I don't know any man that wants to get to a place where they're having to hide from the life they live in so much so often that they end up just belittling their wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I'm any man that wants to be in that situation. It just feels powerless to get out. And this is one of those iron sharpens iron moments. You can choose to live with me and be my husband, which I hope so much you will. You will be in a program by Friday.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Or you will choose to move out of this house and leave. Period. Because let me say this as boldly as I can. You've lost the marriage that you had. It's over. When a man calls his wife the C word, after bender number 25, that marriage, there's a period at the end of that marriage. It's over. Y'all can build something new, something extraordinary. And in y'all's case, a life that is stone sober.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And anyone who goes through any sort of sobriety will tell you they've got to change friendship circles and they've got to cut people out of their life or give people the opportunity to fade out. And that's scary and scary and scary on top of scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And you deserve more than that. He does too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I think right now, lest you make grand proclamations, he needs to know that you'll walk alongside him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Right? My wife is a serial killer in that she can buy a bag of Reese's Pieces and eat four of them and then put them in a drawer and go on about her day. I don't know how that's humanly possible because once the bag is open, I will eat the entire bag and then I'll go figure out a way to find some more. And when I say, hey, I'm out of control with how I'm eating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I'm not being a good steward of my body. And it's not just aesthetic. It makes me not sleep well. It makes me not a good dad. It makes me a grumpy husband. I need to cut it out. She says, awesome, sweet. And it disappears from our house everywhere. But also, I'm not going to begrudge her a piece of pie with her friends. I mean, she can eat whatever she wants to, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But it's her honoring me as my ride or die in this particular season I'm in. So I think you making the big, like, I agree to go sober for the rest of my life, that's a lot. I don't think that's necessary right now. I think right now you can say, I'm done drinking. As for me in this house. And I hope with all of my guts that you choose me and you choose this home and you choose this family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Because you've been trying to make his choices for him for a long time and then it doesn't work. He has to choose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And if you've made a bunch of like Swiss cheese boundaries that have holes in them and you haven't really held them, he'll probably test them. See if you're serious. He might get wasted on Saturday when you're at work. Do you all have kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
So maybe you have to make a hard decision about whether you're going to move or not. Because he might try to call your bluff. But I think it's, I don't see another path forward than some hard directive action.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And what I would tell you is it's already affecting the children.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You already don't feel safe in your house, emotionally and verbally. And if you, you know this more than me, but if you go back and look at trends and escalation, you might see this thing creeping further and further towards your house getting less and less safe physically even. And so it will come to a head. It's kind of like the national debt, right? There will come a day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Tell me about your 12-step program, what you've been working through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
My dream is we all decide now that we're going to have 10 years, 15 years of tough seasons to get this thing under control. Or we can just keep driving along. And one day this thing crashes. Similar. This crashes in your house at some point. I hope it does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
It is not by your hand, but in your lap. You didn't ask for this and here it is. I'll walk with you any way that I can and call me anytime you want. Um, and if he wants to call me, I'd love to talk to him too. And if he's first responders, I especially know those guys. Don't give me a call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I think the big lesson here is the thing you're trying to hold together to keep duct tape and bailing wire and string, keep it held together, it's already in pieces. So the control you think you have over it's an illusion. And in fact, the pieces are beginning to scatter in the wind. The question is, will you let those pieces scatter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And when you say, here's the foundation I'm building a new house on. I hope you'll co-build it with me. But you got to go get help. Because this can't be a part of our life. And that's going to be a scary, scary thing. And there will be starts and stops. And you're going to have to look at the steps he takes. And you're going to have to look at his commitment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're going to have to look at his remorse and his willingness to say, I'm sorry. I'm going to try again. I'm going to try again. I'm going to try again. Because sobriety is a roller coaster. It's not just a straight line all the time. But you deserve to have a house that's safe. And he deserves to feel at peace in his own skin. And both of you all have proven we can't do this on our own.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
So professional help is the next right move. We'll be thinking about you, Amy. Let me know how the conversation goes. And hopefully he chooses 2025 as to be the year that he is finally free. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about the different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, sure, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values, what is important to me in a relationship, and how will I show up to honor myself and love my future partner? forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, how can you learn what you value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Therapy can be a great way to figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in your relationships, and then decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And if it's not a right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, you're married, you're building friendships, or just working on yourself, try BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. We are back. Kelly, what's something that great? I didn't say that right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
What's something great that happened? You have something on the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I found this new thing on the soda machine downstairs. Soda, because I'm a 1940s New Yorker. Down at the Coke machine downstairs, you can just get soda water.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
That way I can get my bubbles.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Topo Chico, dude. You should see the microplastic count on Topo Chico.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Maybe my top 15 heartbreak of the year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I don't have any data on it, so the story I'm going to make up is that yes, it's way better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
It is shipped in plastic, and it is cooked in plastic and dispensed in plastic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I don't have any data, so I'm going to say it's better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Very cool. Dude, that's so great. So I think in 2025, Kelly, I need to learn to be more demonstrative. So when somebody says, this is a shirt that reminds me of my late husband who passed last year. Somebody has just dropped an anxious, uncomfortable thing right in front of you. And uncomfortable is probably better than anxious. Uncomfortable. You can go, Oh, okay, and just turn around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You can pull up your phone. You can do a number of things to avoid that discomfort. When you ask their name and you ask what's the funniest thing they've done that you remember, that's you heading directly into that. So I always tell people go right towards it. That's one of those ways. What was his name? We're going to say his name out loud.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And so that there— Well, here's what you have with this coworker, okay? Here's what you have. And by the way, I don't want you to think you're crazy. I've been there. Everyone I know has been there. Okay. You find somebody, it gets a little flirty, and then you go like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And everybody, names tend to humanize issues, right, and situations. And so his name was Whom, and everyone goes, ah. And maybe I've been in situations where I'm like, what's the funniest thing you can remember? Guy wasn't a good guy. But it leads to a rich conversation. And anyway, I need to be more demonstrative. A, I need to learn how to speak clearly because I'm attending to today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But that's what I mean when I mean just walk right through it. And good on you. What was that dude's name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I don't know anybody in New Hampshire. Do you have any New Hampshire friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I know, and 11 of them print credit cards. I think that's where all the credit cards come from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
But they grow credit cards. I don't either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Ayo, I got a new friend named Jackson. I'm going to Jackson. Dude, that makes my whole day better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Thank you, Jackson. And for the record, if you had the unlucky...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
situation of in high school or college and someone's like oh you just got delonied that wasn't a good thing it was not a good thing and now look at this redeeming it you're a verb we're redeeming it i've always been a verb but it's getting it's getting kinder doesn't have the same negative connotation anymore so that's fantastic hey everybody be nice to each other be kind don't do drugs stay in school all that stuff happy new year bye
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And that's why I'm so adamant, right, about, like, you got to run from it because it blows up everything. And you're wise to that, but let me tell you what you're working with. Number one, you get to experience the benefits of a relationship. I'm assuming you all haven't slept together. So besides sex and intimacy, you're getting the winks across the table, the little inside jokes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Not everything's going to be perfect. Not everything's going to be just how you drew it up, but I'm hoping you're choosing hope and you're making the best of what's right there in front of you. This show's about sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You're getting the laughter. You're getting the bump up against you. Right? Or if he hands you trash, you like the way his hands feel when they just barely brush your hand. Like those little things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You get that. But you get it with no risk because he's married. Yeah. Some other woman is washing his underwear. So you get all the upside and no downside. You get no little hairs around the sink. You get no walking in the bathroom after he's been in there and your eyebrows fall out because of what just happened, right? You don't have any of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
You don't get his temper tantrums on Sunday afternoons. You don't get any of that. So what you're able to do is anchor off and play, but you don't have any of – you're only playing with one side of the coin, right? So all I have to say is it's a fantasy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And because there's no downside, there is downsides if you keep this thing going, but I mean, there's no, you don't have any of the other side of a relationship. It feels, the feelings are overwhelming because there's no tempering the other side of the teeter-totter. It's all good. Now, let me tell you the other thing that I think you're playing with here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And this is something that I hope is really encouraging for you. You haven't given this person two or three interactions and you blow them off. True. Because you work together, you've probably been annoyed and probably been like, oh, gosh, here he goes again. Or he may talk a little too much or a little too loud in meetings or not enough. But here's what I want you to prove to yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
If you give a good person enough time, and you give enough person pieces of yourself that normally you hide because you don't want the world to see them, you have a chance to actually fall for somebody. And so these rules that you've given yourself with your sponsor and your therapist about you have to go on three dates before you just write somebody off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Because y'all work together, that wasn't an option just to write somebody off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Folks faced with relationship challenges, mental health issues, emotional health challenges, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit with you and we will figure out the next right move. If you want to be on the show, Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. And don't forget to subscribe and leave your five-star reviews.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And it allowed you to experience something that normally you don't let yourself experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Which is somebody actually likes you back. And you don't often believe you're worth being liked back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And so there was this artificial force together, which is work. And then there's deadlines. And then you're in meetings all day, every day. It's why outside of apps, so many relationships start at work. And so many affairs start at work. People end up spending more time with their colleagues than they do with their spouse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Or they work on actual projects together. They're forced to work together for a common good, for a bigger goal. Couples don't do that anymore. They're just like, hey, what time are you going to be there for whatever? When's the laundry? And blah, blah, blah. Right. And so, number one, you are right to, I'm proud of you for saying your boundaries out loud.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Very few people have the courage to do that. Good for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Thank you. The second thing is you have to figure out a way to put some distance between you and this person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Simply because of the power hierarchy. You are correct. If anything goes sideways or anybody raises an eyebrow or he's in a meeting with senior execs and someone's like, oh yeah, I see how you, and he has to throw you under the bus, he will. Right. And you are dead right. You are the new female person who's got a crush on an executive. You will pay the price here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
So tell me what distancing looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Oh, so you've already identified he's alcohol.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Is this a good long term place for you professionally? And the reason I'm asking, I wouldn't say that for most people because of your history with, um, addiction and because of your willingness to work through it in some ways, this is like you going to work at a bar.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Right. And so I, it's, I'm certainly not saying you need to run. I'm just asking you, this is a good place for you professionally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Tell me about missing work because of him. That feels heavy. It feels overdramatic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
All right, let's go out to Flint, Michigan and talk to the mighty Olivia. What's up, Olivia?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
What is it about his presence that forces you to miss work? Because I feel like you're giving this a lot of power. Like this is a plant that you went out and you pulled it out. It was starting to grow roots and you pulled it out. And you told him, hey, I'm pulling this plant out. But then you went and you go back and you water it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Instead of saying like – so let me say this. So if you have anxiousness, if your body identifies the situation as anxious, the way to heal from that is right through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Right? So the nerd word is exposure, right? There's a specific exposure therapy. So depending on – like obviously work with the professionals that you're working with, but – my goodness, if I felt like I had this crush and I had to interact with somebody and my heart just swelled up, I'm for sure going to go to work the next day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Olivia Newton-John, what's up? I'm good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Because I'm going to teach my body that I can do the next right thing. I can feel my feelings and I'm going to do the next right thing. And let's make no mistake. If you are in the presence of of a strong, handsome, funny, powerful man. I don't care if you've been married for 50 years, if you've been married for 10 years, you've never been married. You should feel lifted up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
If you're in the presence of a beautiful woman, 28 years old, 58 years old, it should lift your spirits, period. And anyone who's like, no, no, no, it's what happens next. is that something that you meditate on that you give power to over your life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I think the important path is to feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
Oh, he's there. I have that feeling again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
I'll be the first to tell you the only way to deal with uncomfortable feelings is to go right through them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Fell for a Guy at Work . . . But He’s Married
And there is times when I, I'm not good at like, I'm an old man now. I got, I don't have, I don't know. I, I, that doesn't have the same allure for me in that situation, but I've got other feelings about other things. I get pretty emotional about things can be irrational about things. And that's where I've got to have friends and community members.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It's like the 99 and 1. I just want to bring my baby home. I just want to tell her I love her. And I've done something and I don't know what it is. One is very much a position of power and one is one of great humility. If any of y'all know anything, please tell me. I'm drowning over here. And do you get the difference in posture?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I do. Do you ever wonder if you start really crying on this thing if you'll ever be able to stop?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Yeah, I'm going to get some hate on this call, and that's fine. The culture doesn't get a vote into my family's life, and the culture can be nonsensical and insane sometimes. And yes, adults have a full right to not contact their parents, to not talk to them, especially in abusive situations. No question about it, and I'll support you to the end of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And adults have permission, have the right. They're adults. They can just say, I don't want everyone to talk to you again. Don't call me. Don't talk to me. Whatever. We're done. Cool. You have a right to do that. And until you file a legal briefing on me, I'm going to send you a letter once a month letting you know I'm still thinking about you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
There's still a hole in my heart because I miss my kid and you can come home anytime. You can come home anytime and I'll meet you out in the parking lot. I'll come running to get you. I think we've got this weird impasse that's happened and culturally that if you're uncomfortable or you're not happy or somebody's not 100% in alignment with you that That means you got to end everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
My buddy Ian Simpkins said the other day, unity doesn't require uniformity. And I think that's right. So yeah, as for me and my house, my kids are going to know I'll come to the ends of the earth for you and beyond. And if that's culturally not cool, then so be it. Then so be it. And if I have things I have to apologize for, which God knows I do, I'll be the first to take a knee and apologize.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
But that doesn't give parents the right to not be pretty self-critical, not look in the mirror and really be honest about what you might have brought to this situation. It's real easy for parents just to bomb their adult kids. And I think it's fair to do a lot of self-reflection when somebody that you love says, I don't want to be in a relationship with you. We come back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
We hear from a woman who wants to know if maybe having separate beds will improve her sex life. We'll be right back. Okay, I grew up playing sports and I grew up in weight rooms my whole life. And a few years ago, I realized that I took for granted how scared, insecure, and even lost people can feel when they go into a gym or a weight room or into gym classes for the first time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Now that I'm getting older, when I find myself in a traditional gym, even I find myself sizing up some beefcake muscle head. Listen, here's the truth. We all need to lift weights. Men, women, young and old, everyone needs to lift heavy things. And knowing what to do, when to do it, and even how to do it can be super intimidating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
So whether you've been lifting and working out for decades or you're ready to get started for the first time, I want you to check out my friends at TrainWell. I've used their workouts. My wife and her friends use them. My older sister's now using TrainWell. It's a movement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance for real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To start, you take a short quiz, you get matched with a real live coach, someone who actually listens, and together, y'all build a plan that works for your body, your season of life, and your goals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
They have videos that give you step-by-step instruction, and your trainer will check in with you after your workouts. now is the time to take control of your body once and for all. Check out my friends at TrainWell. TrainWell has a special offer for my audience, just $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That's trainwell.net slash deloney. There's no finish line when it comes to your mental and emotional health. You don't wake up one day and say, all right, I've arrived. Your mental and emotional health takes ongoing daily work. And for me, a big part of that daily work is staying spiritually connected and spiritually grounded. And that's why I use Halo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It's the number one prayer app in the world. And it helps me stay centered when life gets bonkers. It's a great tool that helps me stay connected, slow down, and remember to be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture reading, Hallow helps me be mindful even when life is off the rails. It helps me quiet the noise and be still on purpose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
If you've recently started building some new spiritual habits or if you're exploring what all of the spirituality stuff means, try getting started with Halo today. These five-minute moments matter. They add up to something real. Carve out the space, make the time, set the reminder. And if you haven't tried Halo, now's the time. Go to halo.com slash deloney and get three months completely free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That's three months completely free at halo.com slash deloney. Kelly, did you see there was some data that was sent around the other day about the show? Are we like at 30 million people a month are listening to this thing across? It seems like a wild number. Here's the thing. Millions and millions and millions of people are consuming the show. It's a chunk. It's more than that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It's a lot of folks. And that when we look at the subscriptions and we look at the five-star reviews, it's just a teeny tiny fraction of you. If you'll just take a second and hit the subscribe button and hit the five-star review, it makes such a difference kicking the show up into more and more people's feed. And it just helps more people have a little bit better life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
So if you love this show, please take a second and hit that subscribe button. It makes all the difference in the world. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Christine. What's up, Christine?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Take a deep breath. Take a deep breath. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Sit with me for a second. No, don't. You better not apologize or I'm hanging up on you. No apologizing. I'm sitting here right here, okay? Sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
You don't need to scramble on this one. How many little ones do you have back there with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I love that. It's one of my favorite noises in the world. Do what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I love it. I love it. Okay. Do me a favor. Take your left hand. And I want you to open it as wide as you can and stretch it all the way out, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
So, A, let's acknowledge that regardless of what went on, what's going on, what's up, what's down, that's just hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And then I want you to slowly close your pinky and then your ring finger and then your middle finger and then your index finger and then your thumb. And squeeze that as tight as you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And then let go. Now, I can feel your shoulders up around your neck. Bring them down. All right. So the first night you spent with your husband, you woke up and he was screaming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
How long have y'all been together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Okay. How many more times does that happen?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I can't think of a—again, my kids aren't 30, but I can't think of a worse situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Unless you are next to him or not next to him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
In a moment, you can help regulate his nervous system, but that can't be y'all's long-term solution.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
You sound like you're somebody who is a really amazing person, and you're very kind, and you're very, very, very, very, very loyal. And that you're on your last bit of energy before you slip underwater for good. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Okay. So normally I would talk to you for a long time about this, but because of our condensed time together, I'm going to be real, real direct, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Don't take that for me not being loving. but I want it to be real direct, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
If you crumble under the weight of all of this, you'll be of no good to yourself or to those three little kids in the background or to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Okay? It's okay for you to say, I've reached the end of what I can carry because you're carrying the entire house plus a grown man, emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually. It's too much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Except they did. Yep. So anytime I have a challenge like this, I always go back to what my buddy Jordan Bunch taught me one time, which is anytime I have some sort of relational challenge, I always want to start in one place and one place only, the mirror. Okay. So if you back out, the data says that you just told me you've got four kids, three of them refuse to speak to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I know, but Christina, it's not about trying harder. He's got to go get well. And I know you say you can't afford it right now. There's got to be some way to address that head on and figure that one out. And that's where you take all the kids and you all move into a one-bedroom apartment for six months.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That's where you have to go get a job and you've got to let some neighbor come in or your family come in. And there's got to be some sort of drastic change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Because you're all drowning financially. He feels that. He feels that shame. But also, he's got some demons, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
What did he experience growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I can't think of a... Again, my kids aren't 30, but I can't think of a worse situation. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you are doing amazing. I'm trying to figure out what day it is. Back and forth all over the United States on tour with my buddy Dave, and it is a blast. And I hope you are doing well wherever you happen to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
No, don't be sorry. You sound tired.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Okay. I had a friend of mine who did that well into the night for years. Okay. When does your husband work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Do you have any support in your area?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I wonder if you and your husband have a very honest sit-down conversation about... You got to get some help. I can hear in the background. You just gotta get some help. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Yeah. You got to get some support. And that might mean that your mother comes in, um, three days a week or four days a week and y'all pay her way under market rate to watch the kids. Um, and that's not ideal. It's not what you want, but it may be what you have to do. Um, He sounds like he is working his butt off from 5 a.m. to 6.30. He is just gunning and gunning and gunning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And in his mind, he's trying to quote unquote work harder. I'm just telling you right now, given his childhood, it's just a recipe. He's going to crash. And it's not saying working hard isn't important. Good grief. I've worked those hours for years, but it's about towards an end, not running. It's running to something, not from something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And man, I know the season of three kids that are young and it's chaos and it's exciting and it's exhausting and all that stuff, but you have to have a support of some sort where you can have a phone call, where you can exhale. Hang on the line, Christine. I'm going to send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to send you my book, Building a Non-Anxious Life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I want you all to read that, you and your husband, and use that as a roadmap. The six daily choices, I want you all to use that as a map. And there's questions at the end of every chapter. You all sit down and answer those questions together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
The second thing I'm going to send you is, I'm going to send you the Financial Peace University, the digital stuff, so that you and your husband can go through those lessons together. And you can begin to get your money under control. The third thing I'm going to send you, the EveryDollar app, the premium version, I'll give that to you for a year. And you all two can use that together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
But I mean, the other ones just text you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
You can align your money and you can get that attached to your bank account. And you all can start having honest conversations about if nothing changes, nothing changes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
and we got to have some we got to get some help both emotional help and you got to get some help with those kids whether it's from your mom whether it's from a neighbor whether it's from a teenager whether it's from your sister who whatever it is and get very serious about it and regimented about it and you're gonna have to get some more income and here's the big one um
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I'll give you a couple of months for free, three months free with better help for your husband, but he's going to need some in-person trauma therapy. And this isn't just going to a counselor hit and miss. He's got to sit down with a trauma therapist in your area.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It's going to be expensive, but it's going to be worth every penny of it to say, it's time for me to get well because I don't want to pass this on to the next generation. And I deserve to be free. Christine, you call anytime. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. But I think an honest conversation about I've carried what I can carry for as long as I can carry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I got to set some of the stuff down. It's not going to be an indictment of him. It's just going to be a reorienting. You're both running as hard as you can. And there just has to be an honest reckoning with this. We got to just set stuff down. And we got to reconfigure this because we can't keep carrying it the way we're going. Have your husband give me a call anytime, Christine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, we're going to talk to a man who's thinking about a career change that might help his family situation. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time, and that's why I'm super jazzed to tell you about Bon Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the crazy glow of fluorescent lights and in front of little screens and medium-sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies themselves. Show it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat. I use all of it. And listen, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Well, at some point it's like, okay, so I'm the common denominator here and I raise these kids. If you're being fully honest with yourself, not trying to defend yourself, but being fully honest with you and your husband, what's the challenges that they're putting on the table? Why are they cutting off contact or why are they limiting contact so much with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I got the mask and I'm looking beautiful. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams, no appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Chicago, Illinois. Let's talk to Mark.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
What's up, Mark? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going? What's up, brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Oh, very cool, man. I wonder what that's like. That sounds awesome. What's up, man? Good for now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I know, but let me ask you, do you have a thing that you could go to? Do you have a job that you could walk into? Do you have a job offer on the table or do you have a direction? I do not. Okay. What's the job you're doing now? Uh, so I'm a golf instructor. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I guess this is my big answer. I always want people to take six months to a year after a major life change. Because Nobody's sleeping when you have a seven month old in the house. Your marriage takes a dip. Like the research says that the overall marriage satisfaction takes a dip because you have to readjust. You're married to new people. Now you have to create a new thing together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I know, but you've got an inkling, or your other siblings will pitch something out every once in a while, or they'll tell you why they only want to text, or why they're busy. Let me say it this way. You're too smart. I can already tell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And there's guilt. There is a guilt on both sides. There is frustration on both sides. There is challenges on both sides. And there's challenges moving forward together. Here's what I don't want you to do. I don't want you to quit your job. A, with no other job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
B, I don't want you to quit your job, go to a job that you didn't like before, but that would let you be home more because here's what will end up happening. You'll blame this little lump of a one-year-old for your misery. And that won't be fair to her. That won't be fair to your wife. It won't be fair to anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
If you love being a golf instructor and you love a job where you're outside meeting new people and you're shaking hands and over the next year or two, you can start learning about businesses they're doing and ask, how do you get into that business? And then suddenly you may be down a track you had no idea about. Then that would be awesome if you have an aim somewhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
But I guess I would tell you if you want to get a new job, if you hate being a golf instructor, just have the courage to say, I don't like being a golf instructor. Don't blame it on the seven month old. If you are finding, I would rather not be at work. I'd rather be at home. I like being here with this little kid. I like being in the life of this kid. Awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
But I want you to have a conversation, an imaginary conversation with 35-year-old you. Right. And say, are we glad that we didn't, that we put some more time in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
and we're struggling here and we're struggling here and we're struggling here, or would it have been better if I'd just hit the gas when the kid was seven months old, one year old, two years old, three years old, and now we're in a situation where we can exhale a little bit? Only you can answer that question. Is your marriage struggling right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I mean, respect is always important, but it doesn't even have to be calm. Sometimes calm can be a move. So back all the way out, why do you want to change jobs?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It's like really big seasons a little bit. And then we have a fight, but it's okay. And then we have a disagreement, but we're calm. I'm trying to find some sort of, and maybe you're just a total chill guy and the world needs more of people like you. I'm trying to poke and prod and see if I can find something that lights you up. I can't get a grasp on what you love or what you want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It sounds like your whole life you're trying to play defense. And you're playing predictive defense. Well, this happened when she was a kid, so I'm going to go ahead and do this now. And then this happened, so it might happen here. And then this happened, it might happen here. What do you want to do? I want to have a little bit more perspective. Peace in life, honestly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Is the peace coming because your wife doesn't like the life she has? Is the peace coming because your wife feels like she is recreating her childhood home and she has some scars from that? Is the peace coming that you quit being a banker and then you started working as a golf pro and you kind of hate it? What's the peace coming from? Because a seven-month-old is going to stare at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And if you want a seven-month-old to give you peace, that's not fair to the seven-month-old. They don't have the ability to do that. And if you think working less and being around home more is going to help, it will not. If working less allows you to be present in home and do things that add to the flow of your house, that will help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
But if you're trying to do things because your wife doesn't like the life she is co-creating, that's a recipe for a car crash. Or if you're trying to make her happy or she's frustrated and you're trying to figure out a thing that you can do. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I just got to disagree with you, brother. Because my number one calling on planet Earth is to be a good husband, followed immediately by being a good father. And I work a lot. And the antidote to being a good father and being a present husband is not quitting your job. It is being united with your partner and saying, what must be true for us to have the life that we want to co-create together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That's not a stupid therapist thing. That is highly unethical, should be unlicensed, and not be able to sit with people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And granted, some spouses will say, I need you here. At 5 o'clock, I need you here. And so we're going to sit down and have a conversation about what that means job-wise, what that means financially. We're going to have all that painted as a conversation. Okay. In my house...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
There were seasons, and I've talked about this publicly, where I was crazy busy writing books, being on the road, doing media, jumping on a plane and flying across the country to do a speaking engagement, going on a tour. I was all over the place. The problem was it was all for me. Now I am busier than I've ever been ever. And I feel more present and more connected now
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And my marriage is stronger than it has ever been. And that's not a flex. That's just comes from so many scars and so many broken bones, relational broken bones, and so many like missteps and messing up to where the season I'm in right this moment, when you and I are having this call, my wife and I planned in July. And what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That means I flew in last night from an event in the middle of the night and I got up this morning at six and I took my son to breakfast. So I'm tired. And that's exactly how we drew it up. And tonight I'll be at my kitchen table for dinner and then tomorrow I fly out again to go across the country. But just quitting my job doesn't help with presence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
It does mean when I walk in the front door, my phone is off, off, off. It does mean when I walk in the front door, the TV is off, off, off. And it does mean for seasons, I'm very tired. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It's called Work Your Wire To Do. And it's got an assessment inside of it that you can take.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And it will lean you towards, give you some options and maybe some things you might be interested in checking out. But I think it's also worth a conversation with your wife saying this exact thing. Hey, we have a seven month old, me and you, we have a family. We made a human. This is awesome. And our marriage is completely different. And so let's clear the deck and let's rebuild our marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
How do you want this house to feel when you walk in? What brings you laughter? What brings you joy? Tell me about your work schedule. Do you still love your job? What am I gonna wanna do? What are we seeing in each other? And let's have that conversation because we need to rebuild something together so that we can both move forward. And sometimes that will take 60 hours a week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And sometimes I'll take one of you just quitting and staying at home full time. And sometimes I'll take you both working full time and you're going to have to get some support and help. It's going to be all over the place, depending on where you live and what you do and your economic situation, all those crazy factors. But I want to challenge you and all the men listening to this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Wanting to be a, just, I want to be a better husband, a better dad. That means I got to quit my job. It's just absolutely not true. It's just not true. If you're using work as a drug, maybe. If you're using work as a way to escape your family, maybe. If you're just tired and bored, it's not a reason to quit. Thanks for the call, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
When we come back, something cool happens and Kelly's going to let us know what it is. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, listen, therapy is not just for people who are dealing with major traumas. It can be for that big stuff, but it can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional wellbeing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I've personally used therapy for working through major trauma, as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for you. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, what's something cool happened? You put some pictures in front of me here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
This is not first grade language. Every adult needs to do this. This is amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Yeah, so this one kid wrote, generous, peaceful, empathetic, kind, brave, polite. One person wrote, grateful, kind, honest, brave, calm, loving. So I'm assuming that if a kid gets spun up or the kid's got challenges with something and the teacher can bring him back and say, okay, here's who we are going to be. How do we get here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And you're teaching the kid, like, where are you not feeling kind or where are you not feeling calm? And I think every school on planet Earth should have a class teaching you to identify your emotions and where they came from. That way you don't spew all over the place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That's fantastic. And it also reminds you of... Sheila and I had to check in with our monthly, I mean, with our annual thing yesterday. I'm so far off. I'm so far off. God help me. But maybe I should make a little thing and dangle it in front of me all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Whatever. You framed it and put it by your bed. I saw that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Jeez Louise, that's because I took away your John doll that you had because it was creepy. You carried it around and kind of petted it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
No, you had pins in it. What? Jeez. This is amazing. So what's this woman's name?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Beth, you're a hero. You're an absolute stone hero teaching these kids this. And every adult, you need to do this too. Identify who do you want to be? What do you want people to say about you when you're not in the room? That guy's a complete and total b-hole. No. That person's delightful. That person makes me feel happy all the time. That person makes me laugh. Always.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That person's a little bit chaotic, but a little bit awesome. Whatever it is, that person's empathetic. I love being around that person. They're so generous. And then I think the big kicker is you've got to remind yourself over and over and over again. Good call. Love you guys. Bye. Wait, wait, don't go anywhere. I've got huge news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Early bird pricing starts at $749 per couple for the whole weekend, but the prices will be going up soon. Get tickets at ramseysolutions.com slash events. That's ramseysolutions.com slash events.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Well, okay, so let's just flip the date around because I misheard you at the beginning. If you have four kids and three of them talk to you somewhat regularly, you all live in separate towns, you all aren't like buddy-buddy, but you all talk, you text, you show up for holidays, and then you have one outlier. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Then what I would suggest is trying to figure out intellectually what's going on is futile. You don't know because you've got somebody that's... It sounds like the limited power she feels like she has is a thing you don't know. And you took care of her raising, you took care of her morals, you took care of her school, you wouldn't... And that can be flipped to...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
You didn't let me be around real people. You didn't let me have my own ideas. You didn't let me have my own life. And then I got to out in the real world. And this is one of the challenges, I think, with that we have this whole homeschool movement now. And I don't have a problem with it. It's fine. But it's going to come at a cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I know that because I've worked with thousands of college students for 20 years. They are overwhelmed with the new... new ideas, new world. And you can't, you cannot, you can sit in the college of your choice that just regurgitates what you taught them, which I think is a terrible idea, but then they get, they're going to get to the real world where there's no filter anymore. Right. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Sure. Sure. And this is an indictment of you, but I'm saying like this, that can be flipped to from, dude, my parents really tried to shield me from all of this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Well, of course, of course. But I'm just saying like it can be a 25-year-old can say, dude, my parents did the best they could with what they got, with what they had, and they tried to protect me from madness. And I wish they had given me some more skills, but here we are. Or they can completely demonize you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
If you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Real people going through real challenges. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, and I'd love to have you out here. All right, let's go to Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Luann. What's up, Luann?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And any of the discomfort they have in their life, which all 25-year-olds have, you become an easy target. Yeah. But here's the deal. Trying to figure this out intellectually is a waste of your time. Because it sounds... I'm trusting you that you have actually looked in the mirror and tried to figure it out. And that there's not... I'm going to rattle a couple of things off, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
This is more for the audience than for you. But... If you can honestly say you do not know of a weird uncle or a strange encounter with her dad, whether that's your husband or a stepdad or something, if you can honestly say, I don't know anything about that. Honestly say, I didn't invite somebody over who had a strange kid who put her in awkward positions. If you can honestly say...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
We walked through, I taught you about sex. I taught you about some of these harder, bigger issues. We had conversations. If you can honestly walk through and say, I don't know any of that stuff. Those are usually, not usually, those are often the big cutoff points. Like mom and dad, you didn't protect me. And then after that, who knows what adventure she's on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I think you have to let yourself get out from behind your intellectual shield and just be really, really sad. I miss my baby girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I will disagree with him on one thing. Okay. I'll disagree with him on one thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Yeah, I'm trying to think of the right way to say it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I could, yeah. So there's a fine line for me between, well, I'll paint a big, huge picture here. She's asked you not to call her or text her. She's asked for no contact. And I want to honor that. I want to honor that. Mm-hmm. And also, I know, I know, but also, um, I'm trying, I'm talking myself into, I'm thinking myself into circles here. So I'm going to, I'm going to do it. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I'm going to do what you said. I'm going to speak this out and then I may walk it back. Um, often young people, and I'll say 30 and younger, maybe even older, um, trying to heal a broken relationship with a parent in their life or with an adult figure will put down these big gauntlets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And some of it is very real, especially in abusive situations, especially when there is abuse, when there has been neglect, when there's been some catastrophic stuff. And in your situation, I'm trusting that is completely off the table. That didn't happen. So the next layer is I want to see if you'll come get me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
What day did I say it was? Did I say it was Monday?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And so I'm imagining my kids right now, if one of them said, I'm going no contact, please don't call me, don't text me. I'm not coming to, don't invite me to Christmas or whatever. I hear that. And I might send you a letter once a week or once a month and just says, just so you know, I love you. And you're welcome home at any time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I can see even where that might be run into legal issues if it would be considered harassment. If somebody said, I've given you clear, do not contact me, not touch me. I mean, don't come after me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
You didn't know. I don't know where. Yeah. It's good to talk to you. Thank you for telling me that. I did not know what day it was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
But there's going to come a moment when something happens in your kid's life and they open their eyes real wide and they want their mom and their dad and they're going to think, I burned the bridge to the ground to get back home. And I want there to be a breadcrumb back to my house. And so I guess... I don't know. I've just sat with too many 25-year-olds who say, I can't go home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I don't want to tell them. I bet you can. So maybe that's it, Luann. If I knew as a parent I was physically abusive, I knew what I thought to be spanking was I went overboard. If I knew that there was physical abuse, if I knew I dragged a kid to a church for 15 years and didn't know they were being molested by someone, if there was some major catastrophic trauma,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And they said, I need to go no contact. I would actually honor that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
If there is a young person who is some sort of ideological temper tantrum, who's some sort of has created a story and they're just going on and on and on. You're 30, you're 25. I can't do anything about it, but I might send you a postcard. I might not postcards sound kind of cheesy. I might send you a letter. I want you to open it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And you can, by the way, you can throw the letter away every, every week. You're a grownup. You can throw it away. You can put in the shredder. You can send me a legal document or you can send me a text message. I continue to receive your letters. Do not send me another letter again. Okay, I would honor that. My guess is in this situation, she wouldn't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
What she might not want to respond to is the text message says, hi, how are you? Or thinking about you because she might have come up with a story that you're manipulative. And any sort of contact like that is manipulative, but there's something about a letter that somebody can open and they can hold and they can see it and they can go back to it and it begins to punch a hole in their story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
No, it's awesome. I legitimately didn't know it was Tuesday, so thank you for that. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Okay. Or maybe you write a letter and you keep it in your house and one day if you reconcile, you hand her the whole box.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
that's pretty amazing you hand her the whole box and say I want you to know I didn't know how to get a hold of you but I never stopped looking for you and by the way these days it takes about 8 minutes to find somebody hmm okay I mean through social media through an old friend I mean it's not hard it's not hard so yeah I mean I would go for that I'd go after it and I don't know it's hard I'm heartbroken for you
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I would probably try to reach out to my older kids one more time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Yeah. And they honestly can look at you and say, mom, we have no idea.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I'm worried that that would... Yes, but here's the thing. Yes, I miss my daughter. I'll try to get information from everybody. And I would tell my older kids, hey, I'm putting you in an awkward position. If you know anything that I've done that I missed, please, please help me. I'm drowning here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
Well, I'm going to make an adult decision and let my kid know I'm never going to, I'll storm the gates of hell to come get you. Because I know too many people in their 40s and 50s that don't have a relationship with their 70 or 80 year old parents and it's killing them. It's killing them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
That's the wrong way to say it. That's you trying to exert power over her. Don't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I want you to flip it around because that's you standing tall. I want you to actually take a seat on a park bench and put your face in your hands and sob because my daughter doesn't want to come home. Not making it like, one day you're going to miss me. No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
I know, I know, I know. But like this, yes, you're correct. One day she's going to wish she had talked to her mom. I think you're right. But that's not the way to come at her. Okay. It's to say, I miss my baby girl. And clearly I've done something. I've said something. I was away. And I don't know what it is. I've tried. I've asked everybody I know. I've called everyone I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Daughter Refuses to Talk to Me (Why?)
And I'll respect you. Just know that you can always come home. And that's what I would, there's talking to your other kids, her siblings, about, well, do you know what's wrong with her? Why is she so mad at me? That's one way to go about it. The other way to go about it is, hey, I'm putting you on an awkward position. I can't sleep. I can't breathe. My stomach hurts all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I think it's the next step, which is saying, I like being in his presence. And again, I want everyone to hear me say, you will be in the presence of attractive, fun, hilarious, whatever people. That's just life. Enjoy being in the presence of beautiful people, of silly people, of flirtation. Enjoy that until you know, I can't do that. I can't be here. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. So the only person that can change is you. And you can say, I'm not going to be in business with this person. I'm not going to do work with this person. I'm going to intentionally avoid seeing this person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I think more courageously, it's letting him know, hey, dude, I've been flirty and it's felt fun. I am a married woman and I love my husband and I'm in the process of creating a wild new world for us. And by the way, I don't want to be with a man who would blow up a marriage on the other side either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And if you want to be honest and lay it all out with your husband, I think that's right to say, hey, I found myself with feelings for somebody else, and this is a me issue, and I want to bring all of me back here. And there's just some conversations I even had with myself, with us, with how we do life, with this world we've made. Will you build something amazing and new with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
What would your husband say? Would he be like, oh, yeah? Is he going to be mad? Will he be relieved? What would he say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Um, well, those, those are, those are often mutually exclusive and you're, you're, um, you're combining them. So tell me about this person you're attracted to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You have to reach a point in your marriage where you stop expecting him to read your mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Nobody does. And Hollywood said that's the way it's supposed to be. I had this big marriage retreat this weekend. It was packed. It was people from all over the country. And there's a guy stood up and he goes, I just don't buy it. I think there has to be some sort of, I mean, if you plan romance, it's not romantic. And I was like, dude, Hollywood lied to you, brother. You're wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But I think looking your husband in the eye and saying, I am feeling low in this marriage. Yes, we have sex. Yes, you're in great shape. Yes, we make good money. Yes, we both work really hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I want desire and eroticism. What does that mean? And you need to be prepared to say, I want us to start kissing again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I used to be into this particular thing in the bedroom. I'm not. I want to try these three things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I miss you texting. I miss us going out to dinner and forget the whatever and... This is when we get into this language about I need, I need, I need. I want you and your husband to sit down for the first time and say what you want. And give each other a roadmap to each other's hearts and to each other's bodies and to each other's minds. Yeah. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I don't think you're a bad person. I think you're standing on a precipice. I don't think it's about this other guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I think he just happened to walk in the door at a time when you looked in the mirror and you didn't like the life you had co-created.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. I want you to remember this one powerful statement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You choose what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And that means you choose to say, honey, every time I open my eyes, I'm already behind. I want to hire somebody that can help clean the house. We both work really hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I want to hire somebody two days a week that can pick our kids up from school. Or I know you're working hard and you work out all the time. I need you to take two days of your workout off to take the kids to school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I need some help with this or I want help with this. I want to be sexy and I want you to not be able to breathe when I'm not in the room again. And so I want to have some time. I'm going to go take a dance class. I'm going to go take, I'm going to go, whatever you want to do or need to do. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You choose what happens next. I'm going to help you out. It's completely sold out like crazy, but they're available from order. There's not in the building anymore. I'm going to send you a copy of Questions for Humans, the intimacy deck, and I'm going to send you the couples deck, one, two, and three. Four of them I'm going to send you, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Thank you. Here's what I want you to do with it, though. You and I, husband, are going to go out to breakfast once a week, and we're going to use five of these cards. We're going to re-get to know each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And you're going to be honest about how you felt and how you almost blew everything. Not you almost blew everything up because you didn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
How the thought was appealing to blow everything up. Yes. With some guy you imagine would be a good kisser. And by the way, he probably wasn't. He's one of those probably eat your face kind of people. Just gross. Like dumb and dumber. He's probably not good at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
He probably is. And I bet his farts are bad. I mean, you don't know, right? You don't know. I know. He probably wears whitey tighties. Gross. Oh my gosh. Here's the thing. All that is stories you made up. You don't know. I don't know. What you do know is that you love your husband and you do know that you are exhausted. You're dust inside of your own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so together, y'all have co-created this world and together y'all can co-create something else. And by the way, you are breaking a pattern inside your house. And so that pattern, that breaking that pattern is going to cause loss. It's going to cause distraction. It's going to cause frustration.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And there's a strong possibility your husband thinks he's been working really hard for 14 years for you. Of course, for his ego, but for you. And so to find out, oh my gosh, I missed a line. That hurts. It's painful. It's weird. It's worth all those conversations. It's worth all of it. This is day one for you, Jane. Day one. I can't wait to see what you two build next. Hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
We'll get you hooked up. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Bailey. What up, Bailey?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
No, I love it. Thank you for the time for calling a YouTuber.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
What would Taylor Swift say, Bailey?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Oh, no. Hey, hang on the line when this show's over. Whatever you want of the products I have, you can have them for free. I'm just going to mail them to you. That's the best answer I've ever heard. I myself, I am a Swifty, and I am proud of you for taking a stand culturally. All right, so tell me about going to visit with your family. Who's telling you you can't go?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Is he your husband or just some dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I bet he did. I bet he did. All right, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I was going to say, yeah, maybe one of you does, but the other one doesn't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
What is it about this other guy that makes you feel a little more alive than you do in your own house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I don't hear that at all, actually. I think your needs are your needs, and I think even deeper than needs, I think your wants are your wants. And his are his. And it sounds like you made some deals with him and the universe without talking about them out loud. And so it sounds like you cast him in a movie he didn't even know he was in and now you're pissed at him because he doesn't know the lines.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Like you spent a month with his family and in your head you were like, all right, cool, we're going to alternate every year. You just forgot to tell him, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yeah. And so now it's come up and he's like, no, no, no, no. I don't travel during the holidays. I work really hard and I spend time with my family because we're all super close. And my guess is it's probably deep down why you love him. And also you are trying to figure that out for yourself. Is that the world in life that you want? And so statistically speaking, the quote unquote, try it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
We're just going to live together for six months or a year and see if we're going to work out. It's not a good predictor. In fact, it's an inverse predictor of marital success.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But here's what it is. It's not gaslighting. It's not any of these things. It's two people who are dating. And they're putting their values and principles on the table to see if A, they align in any way and B, if they may not be as strongly held as we once thought and we're willing to compromise because we're together, two individual people are building something new together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And it sounds like what you are finding out in real time that you are ready to exhale. You've been running around for a long time. You're ready to exhale. And it's not going to be with this guy. Right. Because one of your core values is I want to get married. One of his core values is I want the government out of my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And one of your core values is I want to be around my family during the holidays. One of his core values is I don't travel on the holidays, period. One of his core values sounds like we talk about things as they come up. One of your survival techniques that you've used your entire life is keeping things really close to your chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You just nailed it, sister. You nailed it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And here we are six months, a year later, and he probably was pretty nervous to go see your family, and he did for four days. But it was never a, hey, I want you to come meet my family, and then we're going to go see them again at Christmas. You just didn't say anything. And now he's like, we just went there. And so a friend of mine, she's a writer here where I work at the network.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And she said, I love this, unspoken expectations are premeditated resentment. You're expecting him to know these things about you or expecting things to quote unquote be fair. And the fair is in your mind and in your heart. And it's just running up against some of his non-negotiables.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. But you, you just took full ownership in a way. And usually, like, I don't know if you've done some work or if you've just been stressing on this. The hardest part in this kind of situation, when somebody's standing at the precipice of making a life-altering decision that's going to blow their life out, is taking ownership of the life you have co-created with somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
what it sounds like right i don't think that's gaslighting i think that's dishonesty unless he said dude we are you and me are getting married in a courthouse at a church we're doing this and then y'all moved in he's like yeah right i'm not doing that if he did that then he's a liar you need to run or if he said yeah you spend the year with with i mean the holidays with my family next year we're gonna do with your family we're gonna alternate every year and then it came up and he's like yeah sucker i'm not doing that that doesn't sound like what happened is that fair
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So maybe he, um, he wants to want some things, but he's not going to budge on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Here's where this is really hard for someone in your position. We won't go into the details here, but you're, you're, you've seen a lot, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I don't want to do any comparative trauma right now. I'm going to just ask you. You've seen a lot, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You experienced a lot, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You have. Did mom have a lot of boyfriends in and out of the house growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yeah, but what that tells me is when you were 9 and 11 and 12 and 15, you were always on the margins inside your own house. Because your mom was too busy starting jumping into or ending a marriage to deal with a young daughter. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay, so here's why I'm going through that real quick. The dream, the fantasy of a stable relationship is got to be one of the most powerful things you can imagine right now, right? You can probably feel it in your chest how bad you want that. Fair? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Here's the two things. Number one, I don't want you to use this relationship as a way to try to heal the way your mom treated you growing up. It's not going to ever work out. Or to put it more bluntly, your mom is not going to call you and say you did a great job. That call won't ever come. Okay. Okay. And I know that you want that call more than anything in the world. It's not going to come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
She might show you in other ways that she loves you and she cares about you as best as she can, but your mom has been through hell. You know it. I know it. And that means that those that she loved and those that she was in charge of taking care of have been through hell too. Here's the second thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
In your pursuit of a stable, steady nervous system, that dream of peace, I don't want you to cash in on the things that are really valuable and important to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because that's the thing that you can change. Today... You can walk by this guy's desk or his office and drop a hotel key card.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You don't owe me any sorry, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
There you go. So can I tell you the greatest gift you can give yourself and this boy that you're with and your future self? In fact, both of your future selves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
For the first time in your life, I want you to tell him that you want to feel safe saying all the things that you want and that you're willing to risk him looking at you and saying, I'm not going to give you those things. But you have been cashing out parts of yourself or squashing parts of yourself your whole life because there's a nine-year-old little girl and they're going, mom, what about me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Mom, what about me? And she's like, shut up. I'm trying to get married or shut up. I'm going through a divorce. And there's a nine-year-old going, what about me? And so you've learned that when you feel something in your chest, like, hey, I want to go see my family too. You've learned, shh, they might leave. Don't say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Or, hey, it might be cheesy and silly, but I want to go to a church and get married. I want a marriage certificate. By the way, the whole, I don't want the government, that's stupid. It's bad business. it's not good business practice. Okay. But I get like the, like I get the bro, I get it, whatever, but it's just bad business. Having a marriage certificate, having the certificate is a contract.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You can do that. And if he chooses to, let's go all the way through it. Would he meet you there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So if this thing goes sideways, you have some coverage here, just like, especially in Florida, by the way, but we'll forget that. Like being able to say, here's what I want. Are you all in? And by the way, it's not just these two things. This is coming up in other issues too. Fair. Right. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
These two kind of going to see family and something like, I don't want the government in my, there's other issues always. It's never just those two. And so I want to, I want to piggyback on what your dad said. This guy is probably a great guy. That doesn't mean he's great for you. He might be, but those two things can be mutually exclusive. They don't have to be the same thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You have to decide that. Some flags for me would be if he calls you stupid. If he says, we're not ever having this conversation again. If he makes you feel small or little. Those are some red flags. If he doesn't hold your vulnerability gently, even if he disagrees with what you're saying or what you want, it's the care with which he holds your vulnerability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Just because you don't get, quote unquote, everything you want out of this conversation. And by the way, it's not a little chat. This is one of the big ones. Okay. This is like the, my college students used to call it the DTR. This is the define the relationship here. Okay. just because 100% of what you put on the table, he's like, I can do this and I can do this, but I can't ever do this one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Hold on. We're not there yet. You're trying to get out of the situation. Stay in it with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay, fair. And he might tell you, he might get the courage to tell you, hey, when I'm around your mom, it makes me feel very uncomfortable. Being with husband number five in that chaos makes me uncomfortable. You being in that chaos makes me feel uncomfortable. You still begging for your mom's approval breaks my heart. I don't want to be around that mess. Maybe he'll have the courage to tell you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You can do that in every part of your life. Work, home. Do you have kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Or maybe it's none of that. Maybe it's just work and you're married to a guy that's busy during the holidays. But it sounds like there's some unspoken things that need to be had. The biggest thing I'd look at is how he treats you in that conversation and whether he makes you feel small or belittled because you have your own wants and needs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And maybe he doesn't mind going home with you, but he can't this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
That's what I'm doing this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
That's exactly what I'm doing this year. And I've been to Texas twice this month, and I'm going again next month, but we're going after Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Kids, every part of your life explodes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Everything is going to be changed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So when my wife and I, we sit down in every September, October, and we plan out what the holiday travel is going to look like so we can give our families a big heads up. And whenever we sit down, I always say, I want to do two weeks. I want to do some hunting trips. I want to do some hangout trips. I want to eat tons of Mexican food. I want to do all this stuff in Texas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
That's where both of our families are. And my wife always goes, that's cool. And you have a job. And so here's what's practical, right? And so it's all this wants to get on the table and it's all fun and it's frustrating and it's annoying and it's this. And then we buy plane tickets or we get the car gassed up and I send an email to all my family and say, here's where we're going to be there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And yet, this guy makes your heartbeat a little faster. He laughs at your jokes. He does. You like the way he moves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And some years just know some years you're going to fly back home because you want to spend a little bit more time and you want to be there and he's not going to be there and that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And if you're going to stay together long term, there's going to be some seasons when, I mean, there's going to be every year where you say, every Christmas, I want us to go downstairs or I want us to go sit under the Christmas tree for our private Christmas day morning. Or I don't really care about that at all. In fact, Christmas is the best day to travel. We're just going to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Like y'all get to decide what that is. I say this a million times on the show. I want you to be very clear about your pictures, pictures and words. Because you say something like, I want to be with you during Christmas. And he says, I want to be with you during Christmas. I want you to be very detailed and specific on what that picture is. Is it Christmas day? Is it a tree? Is it opening presents?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Is it going for walks and looking at lights? Is it traveling? And I want him to be very specific about, I want to be with you during Christmas, very specific about that picture. Because then all you have to do is align the pictures. Like, oh, the week after Christmas? Yeah, that's awesome. The week before Christmas? Yeah, that's fantastic. Christmas Day, I'm with my family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
That's just like a no, that's like a, I don't compromise that right now. And you get to decide, all right, then I'm breaking up with you. Or, okay, that's great. Let's align our pictures and words of what the holiday looks like. And even bigger, I want you to take some steps towards telling him, I'm going to alter the dynamic in our relationship a bit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
He's a handsome guy. He's a good-looking guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I'm going to start being very specific about what I want. And it's never been safe before for me to do that. And I'm going to start doing that because you deserve it. And more importantly, I deserve that. And then he's going to say, thank you for sharing that with me. Here's my picture of what this looks like. And then y'all can negotiate the pictures.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And it gets pretty easy when y'all start talking that way. But I want you to be specific with him. He sounds like a great guy. It sounds like he just has his own specific things. You sound like a great woman who's ready to change everything, and you've got some specific things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
It's time for you all to put them both on the table, not in a chat, but in an important conversation about the future of your relationship. And let's hold them loosely, and let's put them on there and be totally honest with each other. My guess is you're all going to figure this one out. And then tell them for Christmas, your picture this year,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so here's the thing. We were just all talking about this earlier. There's this idea that if you get married and you love somebody and your marriage is great, you will never find somebody else attractive. That's insane. That's nonsense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
is him taking a knee under a mistletoe and asking you to be his wife. Let's do that one this year. That would be awesome. Thanks for the call, Bailey. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Don't forget the 50 Days of Christmas deals going on with the Ramsey team. Questions for Humans couples are on sale for $12 and building a non-anxious life is 30% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Go to ramsesolutions.com slash store and get presents this year that matter. All right, let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to Anna. Anna, what's up, Anna?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Dang, Gina. That's a lot of humans in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Did I get a niner in there? You have nine people there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yeah. Oh, okay. Okay. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. Plus two bonus. Plus two bonus. Cause why not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You know, I like adding a little chaos to my life. All right. So what's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. I'm going to answer this with one quick statement and then I want to hear the whole story. Okay. Sounds good. You cannot control your son's feelings. Period. Okay. Full stop. Okay. Now tell me the full story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
No, yeah, there's just this thing. It's a fantasy. There's going to be beautiful people in the world. There's going to be handsome people in the world, men and women. That's a part of life. And so if somebody beautiful comes into a room, the whole room will get lit up. And you trying to pretend it's not is dishonest. It's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Why are we yelling? There's no reason to yell. There's no reason to yell. I am just having a regular old great day, and it's not even a yelly kind of day. I hope you are doing well wherever this show finds you. What's the date here it's at? It's early December, so you've survived Thanksgiving. I'm assuming we have a president now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yeah, there's a lot here. Your assessment of what kids can handle and not handle is a little bit off. It's not quote unquote. So I heard somebody is probably six or seven months ago and I track with them 1000%. They said, I'm sick of people saying the quote unquote, these kids these days. And he went on to say, the kids have not changed. They're exactly the same.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
It's the adults in their lives that have changed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. So you and me as parents of youngsters, young teenagers, and young kids, it's us that have to do the management, not these kids. They're just kids. So a couple of guiding principles I always go with when I'm talking to parents about kids. Number one, kids do what works. And some kids are super ultra compliant and go get straight A's because it works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And in the same house, another kid may fight and scream and yell depending on any number of temperament when they were born, brothers and sisters, time with mom and dad, intentional stress, epigenetics, all this stuff. It doesn't matter to me. It just matters to the kid in front of me. They may try to burn the house down because it works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And eventually you go, fine, I don't care. Here's your stupid screen. And they win. And I'm even like, you know what? I used the wrong word. It's not a competition. What does screen time give a kid? It gives them distraction. It gives them an exhale. It's a drug.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And the folks who built the screens, the apps, the shows, if you got behind closed doors and learned how intentional they are with colors, with fonts, with change rates, with the flicker rates, it is precision science as though they are crafting pure heroin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so you've got a kid. How old is your child?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. So when he's screen, is it phone? Is it texting? Is it social media? What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But what is Fortnite for him? Is that a way he interacts with his friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Sure. And I think the response to that is, no, we treat you like someone that we love and want to keep safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so your kid is allowed to be frustrated and allowed to be annoyed. I mean, he's 13. That's his job, right? Yeah. Yeah. What he can't do is have control over your feelings or your – he can't have access to your emotions or he will use them to his gain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And an incredibly handsome, powerful, strong, or small, and shrewd, or brilliant, or brave, whatever adjective you're going to see in somebody, they're going to come into a room or be a partner of yours on a work project or whatever. And that's going to happen. And you're going to think to yourself, this person is attractive, either intellectually or physically or both. They're hilarious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
As Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, you've got to be sturdy in the face of a 13-year-old. Now, here's where I've taken all of the me versus you out of it. And I place it wholly on my kids. And here's what I do. Number one, there are some non-negotiables. I have a 14-year-old. He's figured out how to listen to these episodes now. He'll probably listen to this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
He will never get a camera on a phone in my house. Okay. Period. Ever. Last night. You guys are the worst. Now he's dying laughing when he's doing this, but he's like, y'all are the worst. You don't care about me. You know, and he's being funny, but it's like, and I started laughing and I was like, one of my favorite things is to make you miserable, but he knows I'm not giving you a camera.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because you got the unfortunate lot in life that your dad did a whole bunch of sexual assault investigations at the college level. Not going to give a phone to you with a camera on it, period. You're not going to get social media. I know how devastating it is to me, and I don't care. I'm not going to give that to a 14, right? So all I have to say is there are some non-negotiables.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
The next round of negotiations is my son, my daughter versus my son, my daughter. What do I mean by that? Last night, my daughter said something that was really unacceptable and rude. And I said, if you choose to not respond X, Y, and Z, and you choose to do that again, you are choosing X, Y, and Z consequence. And that doesn't make sense to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But I want her to feel the weight of if I choose to be sassy, if I choose to hit somebody, if I choose to steal, if I – she doesn't do that stuff. But like if I choose behavior X, I am choosing consequence. Okay. So if she chooses – I'm making something up, silly. If she chooses not to get a room cleaned up on Saturday mornings, she's chosen to not watch TV. I've got nothing to do with it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because in my house, you only watch TV on Saturday mornings and you only watch TV when all your chores are done. So you get to choose how you roll there. Right. Now, is she still eight? Yes. Does she still kick and scream if I hold myself to my own standards? Yes. She didn't have permission to make me mad, so I'm not going with my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I need to be better about that. But he does need to choose to be respectful or he's going to choose to lose a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Do I talk through it? I would give him a little bit of time because he's learning to regulate his emotions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And then he gets to choose to take a walk with you around the block. Because here's what he's asking for. Can I have some private time with my mom or my dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
All of that is normal. You're not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Can I have some full attention connected time? Because I used to be the only one here. Now my life's exploded. There's 14 people running around here and there's two twins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And that plays on your mom guilt because you never have enough singular time with any of your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so you get frustrated and y'all both have this emotional back and forth game. And then he says things like, I'm doing perfectly. Why do you hate me? And you're like, fine, play your stupid game. And then his body goes, ah, now I know the boundary in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Do you know what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So you first mom and dad, y'all have five kids. I want y'all to double down and triple down on rebuilding your marriage. Cause that tension ripples through the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
It's the next moment when you begin to meditate and imagine a different world. And that's the choice you have. Yeah. And so... For some reason, you're not able to let that energy flow through you. It's getting caught.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
What y'all haven't done is reimagined your marriage with five people under your care. What did dates look like? What does sex look like? What does laughter look like? What does us going outside and we're having mom and dad grown up time and all the kids need to go away? What does that look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Oh, okay. I'm way off on that. I'm wrong. That's perfect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Well, dude, so I'm wrong on that one. Y'all are nailing it. We're not perfect, but we were trying. Well, of course. Y'all are more perfect than most. The next step here then is let's look for not breadth of time, but intensity of time. Okay. Is there once a week your husband can take your 13-year-old out for breakfast?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Can we just make that a commitment? It's unbudgeable. I mean, and that's not even a word, but no one's gonna budge on this. Your son's gonna kick and scream. We will do this once a week. Kid gets to pick the restaurant. Can you or him do that? Probably more likely dad because you've got other chaos going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But can we do that? And then in those conversations and to a 13 year old, love equals depth of time, intensity of time. Is there no screen? Is there just my father or my mother looking across the table and saying, how's your day? Fine. They're not going to answer you and they're not going to answer you. The next time it's going to be boring. The next time it's going to be boring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And then one morning after you and your son have gotten into it, your husband's going to look across the table and say, hey, you will not disrespect my wife and my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And then your son might say, dad, it's not, I'm missing out on things at the lunch table. I don't even know what's going on in my friend's lives.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And as my son told me once, at least you had a phone on the wall that you could talk to your friends. I got nothing. Yeah. And so I actually called an expert, like one of the best first-person shooter game players I know. They're amazing. And they also happen to be a SWAT hostage negotiator. And I said, do you let your kids play Fortnite? And he said, absolutely not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And that usually means, like, so one of the things that surprised me years ago when I first read this was that most affairs, not most, but many affairs happen in what would be characterized as good marriages.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because of the controls of other people joining games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I said, what about Minecraft? And he said, it would depend on the kid, but that has a better closed loop of games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So this year at 14, I made that adjustment for my kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You sit down with your husband and tell him exactly what you just told me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because what you just said is a context, not an excuse. I'm an introvert. And I know that surprises people because I'm so loud and blah, blah on the show. But when I get home, the only thing I want to do is go up to my little reading part in my house where I have all my reading and my notes. And I just want to sit there and stare off into space and read a book.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I have an eight-year-old little girl saying, dad, do you see me? Do you love me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I have a 14-year-old boy saying, dad, do you see me? Do you love me? And because I chose to bring them into the world, I am choosing, I have thereby chosen to skip the thing that is my Xanax. In your husband's case, it's a screen or it's a thing he likes. Or in my case, it's my, oh, I just want to be self-indulgent. I don't get to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I got to roll out the wrestling mat and me and my daughter are going WWE style. Or me and my son are talking about girls and doing homework together. Like whatever the thing is, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
They're here because of me. Right. Right. And so it is in that friendship that y'all have, there is a vulnerable, truth-telling conversation. Here's how me and my wife do it. You and your husband can do it however y'all want. You guys sound like y'all are crushing it. My wife will say, John, I have a vulnerable conversation I need to have. When she says that, that is a key.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because it's not about we're not having our sex life isn't fine. It's not about our finances aren't fine. It's not about we're good co-parents. It's about somebody else makes me feel alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I say it back to her, like I'll approach her with that. Hey, I need to have a vulnerable conversation. When we say that, that is a key. All screens go down, all phones go over, and we look at each other in the eye. And the only answer the other person can give is thank you for sharing that. That's it. And then occasionally I will say, can I have a rebuttal? And she will sometimes say, not yet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Or absolutely, I'd love to hear what you have to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But what that allows her to do is so that I don't start barking at her. I get real defensive. Or, you know how hard I've been working. That kind of nonsense. However spouses do it. She can say, hey, I got a vulnerable conversation. Go for it. Go. The last like three weeks you have lived on your phone and the kids notice it. I'm noticing it. You are not present in the house. I miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
They miss you. Is everything okay? And I exhale real big and I go, thank you for sharing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And then I can say, can I rebut that? And she'll go, sure. And I'll say, hey, I've got this huge deadline thing going, but I will bring my kids in and I'll say, hey guys, you've seen me on my phone and it's wrong and I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But she has permission to call me out on that stuff. And I think you calling him out doesn't negate all the amazing things you said about him. It deepens your friendship and your love for each other. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And he might say, hey, I've got a vulnerable thing. You're going toe-to-toe with a 13-year-old boy. You need to stop doing that. And you can go, ugh, okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Or more likely, I am choosing to feel alive in the fantasy that is this other person instead of the harder work, which is choosing how I can be alive in my own skin, in my own house with my partner that I said till death do us part with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Go watch the movie Inside Out 1 and 2.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
They're right. They're right. Just exchange that girl with your boy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yes. Everything in his body is on fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yes. And here, just imagine he's a 13-year-old boy that knows he's loved, whose parents have an amazing marriage, and he is by nature becoming a bull. And I hate to use cow analogies because he's not a cow, he's a young man, but he's becoming a man and he is crashing into boundaries and see if they hold.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And if he can't get through them by force and he can't get through them by straight A's, he's going to get through them by whining. And if he can't get through them by whining, he'll begin to exhale and say, okay, this is how the world works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. In fact, he is screaming. I love you so much. Do you still see me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I'm not blaming. I'm not blaming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yes. This is not about guilt. This is not about any of that. Anna, don't do that. Don't go to the guilt. You're going to the guilt now. Don't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You're doing a really fine job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yes, but listen, you're a 13-year-old. Pretty soon your husband's going to say, hey, just go on a trip, me and you. Where do you want to go? And he's going to say, I don't want to. I want to hang out with my friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And that's not a statement. It's not an indictment of y'all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
He's slowly developing a tribe. It's just how it goes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And y'all get to say, sorry, you're coming on the trip with me. And he'll go, okay. And if it's a connected trip, then it will be a mesmerizing, magical experience for him in his nervous system. And he might still say, I just want to be with my friends. He's 13, man. He's 13. It's not an indictment of what kind of parents you guys are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But he is going to try to find where the boundaries, how firm are these boundaries? How safe am I in my own skin? Because everything in his life is coming unwound.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
his understanding of how his friends work, his understanding of other friends' parents, his understanding of his relationship to who he's romantically interested in, his relationship to he's in eighth grade or now he's a freshman in high school and grades actually matter now. And coaches are expecting more. Everything is raising up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so for me, I think this is a pretty magical opportunity for you. An alarm bell should be ringing at every stage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so he's going to smash against the boundaries in his home to make sure they hold. And you have to risk being willing to not be liked by a 13-year-old because you're so mean. Okay. My job is to keep you safe, dude. And I get a 13-year-old wanting to play a video game and me saying no to him being upset. Of course he is. He's 13. Of course he is. Of course he is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I get upset when my boss says, you got to do this. I'm like, I don't want to do that. I get upset about that. I'm an old, old man. That stuff's normal. It's normal. But let's circle back with your husband and see if you can find time that one or both of you can have depth of time. And in my house, it has been transformed by that weekly breakfast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
In my house, it's been transformed by here's who the Delonys are and here's the choices you kids get to make about the life y'all have. Y'all get to choose these things. And if you choose disrespect, then you're choosing no X, Y, or Z. Hope you don't make that choice. If you choose disrespect, you're choosing to not be in this room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I hate that choice because this house doesn't work without you. But I want to teach you choice and consequence. I don't want to teach you there comes a line when you cross it and dad or mom will kick you out because that line doesn't exist. I will never kick you out. You can always choose to walk away from me, but I will always be here with the door wide open for you. Always.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And at 13, they're trying to figure that out. So part of me wants to tell you, buckle up, Anna. It's just getting going. And the other part of me wants to tell you, it's completely normal. Y'all are doing a good, good job. Maybe one last thing, try, and I've heard parents reach back out to me and say this has been magic in their home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Try a journal with mom where you write a journal or a spiral and put it on his bed and you write a couple of things that you see in him that's amazing, that you see in him, you catch him doing something good. I saw you today help out your two sisters with their lunch. I really love seeing the man that you're becoming. That was really amazing how you worked hard on that one project. Great job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Awesome. And I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for it. Because you are millions and millions of people right this very second listening to this show. So I'm grateful for it. When you told your husband, what did you tell him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Um, I really see how you honored your sisters this morning. I saw it was good. And the rule is when you write on his, he has to write something back to you, a BNW best and worst of the day. And for the next two years, his worst might be, you won't let him play video games. So what? Who cares?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But you find ways you can go to depth of connection, which is hard because you've got a thousand kids and your husband needs to start saying, okay, I'm going to skip a workout once a week and I'm going to take him to breakfast. And then you and your husband have the conversations about phone usage, about getting into screaming matches or whatever else is going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Give each other permission to love each other. Iron sharpens iron. To call each other out and to be truthful. Thank you so much for the call, Anna. You're on the right track, my friend. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Please, please, please, please hit the subscribe button on YouTube. We're so close to the million mark, and I want to get there before the year is over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So please, and tell all your friends, get Urba in the club to get A, Tipsy, and B, subscribe on the YouTubes. And Kelly, you got something cool that happened. What is it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Hey, way to go. Is it Austin?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Austin, amazing. I'm proud of you for those. It's like... We need to change everything. No, you don't. You just need to ask that one question, and it tends to transform your whole household. That's amazing. Good for you. And I like you. I've been both stunned and impressed. Kelly is starting to slowly get rid of all the old English tattoos back from her biker days, which are cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And she's replacing them with celebrities. Kind of weird. She's got a dope, dope... She wears, like, super, super, super short jean shorts. And she's got her Taylor Swift, like, full body thing down her quad. Kind of weird, but... She shows it off a lot. But the Elvis tattoo, I didn't see that one coming. I thought you were more of like a John Rich guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And so having the Elvis tattoo on your back, like, I didn't see it coming. But go get him, dude. Ain't nothing but a hound dog. Crying all the time. Good job, Kelly. Hey, everybody. Thank you all so, so, so much for being with us. I'm grateful for you. Merry Christmas. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You phrased that to him very specifically.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Were you asking your husband, do you still find me fun and attractive?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So I want to call bull crap on this. How do I trust myself stuff?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
having a fling that's where i'm working i know but that's not a matter of how do i not trust myself that's a matter of not doing something stupid okay right so it's like it's like i don't know how i can trust myself it's as though we our spirits are to the wind and how do i know it's not going to blow east instead of west because i'm just not going to go get a hotel room right because this isn't like a lot of energy to do that to not do it
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Yes. It does, but it takes an insane amount of energy that can be used elsewhere living in fantasy land.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
May the force be with us. I'm assuming we have a president right now. And we are heading into the Christmas holidays. I wish you all peace in a season of chaos. I wish you all peace. I'm glad you're here. We're talking about relationships, talking about emotional and psychological health. We're talking about everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because let's say it was the most torrid, wild, imaginative, life-giving sex of your life this night in this hotel room, which a thousand percent it won't be. You know this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
My life would be. So that's where I want you to go right now. Forget this cat for a second. Move him over. Okay. Do you have kids that live at home with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. How long have you been married to your current husband? 14 years. Okay. What about this world right now do you want to blow up to smithereens? Because this other guy is just, he's a rent-a-grenade. You're right. He's just a rent-a-grenade. He's a grenade that walks through and you grab it and decide to pull that pin. But the real thing is you want to blow your life up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
What is it about your life you want to blow up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
So is this your way of blowing the world up and getting your husband home again? Because part of me, the guy inside of me is like thinking, how dare you? The moment your husband gets a shield on and his sword out to go to war for the family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
It's like, well, that's what I'm going to go bang the neighbor. Yeah, I'm with you. But I also get, this is year 20, this is year 15, this is year 10, and I'm sick to death of this business being more important than how much we love each other. I'm sick of being co-managers of a business and co-managers of a house and co-parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I want intimacy and love and connection with a guy more than I want all this other crap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz, 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's roll out to the Utes, Salt Lake City, and talk to not-so-plain Jane. What's up, Jane?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I know you do, but you're dead in your own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And the thought of your heart rate getting up to 125 beats a minute again or 160 beats a minute again over one hotel tryst is worth setting the whole thing on fire. And I get it. I get it. I promise you I get it. Thank you. The day after that day is going to come. The sun's going to come up. And I'd much rather you sit down with your husband and say, I want to take this season off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Or I want to hire somebody or two people. And it may be too late because the ship has already sailed. But maybe you say, I'm going to work with you till midnight every day because I want to be with you. And I'm making stuff up right now, right? So it may not be practical.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And this time next year, we're hiring this out. Or maybe, hey, what is intimacy and feeling wild? What does that look like in this season? I'm going to send you the most bananas dirty text throughout the day and I'm going to show up at random times at your office. Like I'm going to create life inside my own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And you and I are going to co-create this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
But listen, it is so easy. It's so easy to look around and blow somebody else's building up. That's this whole cancellation culture now. It's so much easier to take somebody down than to actually do the work over a long period of time to build something awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Whoa. Okay. All right. We'll go there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And dude, don't beat yourself up because you... met a guy who was mesmerizing and handsome and cute and made you feel alive again. Let that be a signal to a don't respond to any more text or. Oh yeah. I don't have his number. Good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Let me say it this way. I think you like the idea of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I don't know that you like the reality of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Do you like the idea of his hands on your skin or do you want those hands?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
You know what? He probably is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
He might be a better kisser than your husband. Is that trade worth your life? No. No. And so can I tell you something vulnerable and scary and ultimately real fun? Sure. Tell your husband that you wish he was a better kisser and you want to start practicing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And he's had a weird breath thing or done something weird with his tongue or avoided it or not shaved or whatever your thing is for your whole time together. Tell him. Okay. Right? Yes. And tell them you want to take you on a date, but you actually want to meet there and pretend you just met. You get to insert chaos and fun and novelty inside this thing that y'all created together. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And I think that is infinitely more titillating, infinitely more fun, infinitely more erotic and exciting. Sitting down across the table and saying, okay, what we had is over. I want to build the most erotic, crazy... And he's just going to look at you kind of overweight, tired, with glasses. Like, what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay, but listen. You want to get sideways here? Yeah. What is it about you inside your own marriage that you don't like anymore?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I got you. All right. What you got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Okay. That is the conversation to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Because this other guy is an escape from reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
And reality will come crashing down upon you. You'll just have to do it with half of your assets. And you think picking up every day is hard. Now, when you're splitting time with your kids, it will get more complex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
I don't buy it. I get the feeling is good. Temptation is you, you will set up a series of actions to make this thing inevitable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Whoa. Okay. All right. We'll go there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Married, But I’m Attracted to Someone Else
Which means you can set up a series of actions that makes it not possible. Okay. And I think you know that. That's why you haven't given him your number.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I love... You told a story. It was so great. It's so hot outside. That's not enough. I need to know the quantitative number that identifies how hot... Instead of just letting it be hot. Just letting it be hot. Or it'd be real hot. Yeah. Or not super hot. Totally. And so... God, I miss this. Of course that part of your brain atrophies memory, insight, intuition.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Of course your brain doesn't use it because we've outsourced it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
All of it. Literally all of it. But I think the part I didn't recognize is that's humanity. Yeah. That's us. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
That's it. And now I've outsourced everything. joy yeah i've outsourced um justice yeah i remember i used to tell my students yo when martin was walking across the bridge they said they're gonna kill you and he said we walk yeah you guys thumbs upping something is not the same thing right or how many times have i researched the article i mean the workout yeah instead of just going to exercise yes
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Or I go for a walk and it doesn't matter what I feel like. It's what does this watch tell me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Everything. Everything. We've outsourced sex to pornography. We've outsourced discomfort to... Yes. Yes. And it was this... And I knew this. Yeah. But you saying, no, no, no, man. It took eight weeks and the brain's like, oh, I get to... Yes. We get to use humanity. Yes. Cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
No, you have to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Yeah. Their brains are astounding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
You can hear about the neuroscience of social media and the dopamine, all that stuff. And it's not a couple of guys just complaining and ranting and raving. I think this is the most honest conversation I've had on this particular topic about all of us and screens and real life and meals and family time and friends and what we can actually do about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Your brain's like, sweet, I'm going to go work on something else. Yeah. And it just lets it ride. Yeah. All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet. Just kidding. It's the worst. I mean, it is amazing, but it's also the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And it doesn't matter if I don't like it, because everything in my life and your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages, our communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where we live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of different accounts for banking and shopping and social media. It's become normal to even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup with our phones. Listen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the worldwide web. And this is why I'm so thrilled to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of our online activity, who even knows where our data is and who has access to it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete.me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker websites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So while we really can't avoid the internets, we can try to make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Individual delete me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. So go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today and get 20% off. That's join delete me.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
All right, listen, folks, you can't just think your way to being emotionally or mentally well, and you can't just think your way to having good relationships. We all have to also focus on our physical health, and that means regular exercise, weight training, and movement. And I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And with so much noise out there, it can be hard to know even how to get started. So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program or if you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready just to shake things up, you've got to check out TrainWell. TrainWell is an app and personal trainer all in one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I use it, my wife, my coworkers and their spouses, everybody's using TrainWell all the time and the results have been off the charts. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis. And like I said, the results have been amazing. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with your expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your physical health and start exercising, I want you to get online, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And they've extended their special offer for my audience, just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net. That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L. Trainwell.net slash Deloney. I get the crack allure, right? I get the heroin of the phone. I get that. But I always want to look at what's underneath that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Yeah. And... Tell me if I'm wrong, because you've been working with people a long time, and I don't mind being wrong here. Yeah. I feel like the meta message of the last 20 years has been, maybe the last quarter century has been, everything out there is on a road to ruin, and everything out there is bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Everything out there is... You, because of what happened to you, because of your lot in life, because of the cards you were dealt... Right. ...are always going to be less than. Yeah. So you sit over here in the corner. Yeah. I pat you on the head. That's... That's just what happened to you. We got it from here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So I'm super excited to have this conversation with my friend, Carlos Whitaker. Check it out. Pass this episode along to your friends. I think it's a really important conversation. And it's one that the moment it was over, I changed my life. My life's different now. So I hope yours will be too. Check it out. My conversation with Carlos Whitaker. I'm super grateful that you're here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And the only thing I could think of is the meta message has been, and maybe it's from helicopter parents that we're learning now, where you're actually teaching the nervous system of your kid is, we don't think you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
But the cultural message has been, y'all can't. Yeah. head to the sidelines and we got this. And when that happens, the only way to survive that is to numb it. Absolutely. And that's the only way I can think that made this stupid box. Yeah. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I went to an insane, I bought tickets six months ago, totally forgot. I finished an event and I got home and I was exhausted. And I got this little thing like, hey, and I was like, oh man, it was a wild old school hardcore punk band. And I, my 14 year old sitting there and like t-shirt. I was like, you knew something crazy. He's like, what dad? He has no idea that this, that this really exists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Yeah. And I was like, put on some clothes, dressed in all black. We're going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I said, you're gonna hear some language I don't approve of. Right, right, right. But I want you to know the high school. I want you to meet a high school dad. Yeah. And he walked in in two or three minutes and he just like, he goes, dad, these are your people. And I was like, you're correct. That's awesome. Um, But there was a sliver of a night when there was an alternative reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Like, let's go do a thing. And we laughed. My son, we got out of the car and the show had already started and you could hear the band from outside this little club. And he was like, where are we? And we had wonder and laughter and crazy and dad, this is nuts. And I look over halfway through and he's like trying to play along. He listens to country music. Yeah, I know, totally. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And dude, the allure is to go home and look at this thing. Yes, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Oh, totally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
These are legends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
We have to sit in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
You have tapped into something that's haunted me for a decade. And... I often, I don't say this lightly, and I'm super selective about who's here. Yes. And it's always somebody that has a direct impact on how I'm seeing the world or experiencing or somebody, I'm going to do something different in my life because.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And to get nerdy for two seconds... I often tell people like, if you don't have a tribe, if you don't have people, if you don't have close friends, your body would be failing you if it let you sleep all night, because you're all you got, right? That's wired, that's how we're built, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
The peace you gave to your nervous system by making eye contact and waving and saying hello to 25 different people gave peace to your body in a really anxious moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Right? Yeah. And it went boom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And we've taken that from ourselves.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Well, so the magic that you propose here is, gosh, I just put this together just now. So I wrote a book about anxiety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And the whole thing was, I think anxiety is usually right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So instead of trying to fix this, create this life and your body will turn the alarms off. Similarly, instead of creating a bunch of rules, only four minutes a day, use this super planner with 40 ribbons in it. What if you created a life that was rich again and it's awkward and it will be boring at first and you'll have to face some demons like you mentioned this one, like silence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And so to paint you a picture, in 2009 or 10, I was working at a university that was a beta campus for this new little product called Gmail. And they were also a beta campus for this new little thing called, hey, we got this new thing, we're gonna call it an iPhone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
You'll have to make peace with whatever demons you got. But what if you created a life that made this thing obsolete?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Yeah, she's an angel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
God Almighty. That's it. And when parents ask, hey, my kids are so anxious. My kids won't sleep. My kids won't. My answer is always, they absorb the tension in your home. Absolutely. That's the air they breathe. Yeah. And to think about that comment, that gives me goosebumps. Yeah, dude. To think that my son would say, no, I got to meet my dad. Yes. Not the quantified version of you. Right, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And the always optimized, how many calories are we cutting? Yep, yep. I just got to meet my dad. Yeah, dude, that's it. And to think on a punk rock floor. Yes, that's it. My son was like, oh, I got to meet my dad. Yes, that's it. and thinking my eight-year-old daughter still doesn't really know her dad. And we try to solve it in all these other bananas ways.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
You talked about something that got me choked up and I immediately pulled my phone out and I texted my wife, here's some changes that are happening right now. Talk about dinner time. Yes. So we know the stats, right? And this is unpopular stats. I don't care. Families that eat together. Yep. The kids have lower mental health challenges. The family has lower conflict.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And so they shipped them to the university and overnight they passed them out to every student and said, we're gonna follow it and see what happens. And we think this is gonna change everything. And so I was working in student affairs, which is like student mental health, student crisis care, drug use, where they live, all that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And the kids do better academically over time. Absolutely. That's what the data says, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I immediately like...
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Did you get antsy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Let's go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Hold on, I need to sit on that. Yeah. You've just eaten.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
We don't have meals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I saw in real time the unwinding of what Jonathan Haidt's writing about now. I watched it just in real time. And it was wild. And then it was, let's fix it with this new thing called an iPad. Let's fix it with. And as I left, then I began working with students. I've been working with students forever, but I've been working with different kinds of students.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I think what I'm rejecting in real time right now, not to think through this over a couple of months, but what we have done is not progress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
We've de-evolved. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I'm at constant war, which means I don't have peace. Because I'm late everywhere. Because I love savoring. And yet, I've plugged myself into these systems that don't savor. And that don't... So, a thing that happened when I moved here, I took this job. And actually, it was a point of contention for a while here, until we finally broke it down. We had a meeting with some folks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I said, the single rudest thing... in my fiber of being is when somebody's in a conversation is to cut that off. You let the conversation end. And they were saying, and they were right, the single rudest thing you can do is tell somebody I will be there at three and they show up at 2.55 and you roll in at 3.40. That's disrespectful, it's dishonest. And I was convicting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
They're both right. Yeah. They're both right. And so it was a matter of, oh, I had tried to plug myself into a system without being honest about what the cost was going to be. Right, right. And I was trying to hang on to these things while still trying to extract the benefits of this thing. And so I've been on the, I'd say I've been on 36, 45 months, three or four years of the optimization train.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Sure. Every minute of everything. Is it planned? Is it this? How fast can you get there? If you're not growing your diet, like if you're not wasting, like that whole thing. And it was a couple of years ago and I was meeting with a buddy who's a medical researcher and we're talking about growth. And he's like, that is cancer. Yeah. Cancer is growth that just keeps growing. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
If the growth isn't for a thing. Yeah. Yeah. That's true. Then you can't. Then it's cancer. Oh, that's good. And I was like, oh, gosh. Okay. I need to exhale on that. Yeah. But yeah. So efficiency has become... I don't know. It's not real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
The goal's not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And my 20-year higher ed career went from, hey, I think I wanna do this job, to, hey, me and my mom are struggling, or to, I don't wanna be alive anymore. And that arc went so fast, right? The second thing, and I've talked about this to the people who check this show out. I had no social media when I took this job. And I remember a couple years ago, I was in my closet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about the different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. Red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, sure, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values, what is important to me in a relationship, and how will I show up to honor myself and love my future partner? forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, how can you learn what you value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Therapy can be a great way to figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in your relationships, and then decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And if it's not a right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, you're married, you're building friendships, or just working on yourself, try BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Walk us through, give me a couple ideas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
How do you, if this is resonating, you know, you know, you know. And, okay, your job's on a laptop, fine. Your job is in front of two big screens because you're a data person or whatever. Or a job's like ours. It's on a phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Okay, okay. That's their planet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
It's not about the phones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I love it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Dude, I have, because I'm so sophisticated, I have social media on another phone because I'm more pure. Oh, yeah. I have both of them up. Last night, I watched the election results. I'm texting on multiple text threads. And then you're... And then I'm scrolling this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
There's a door inside my bathroom. There's a door inside my bedroom. There's a door. And my kids are running around. And I was in the dark scrolling. And I remember I just started laughing. And I was like, oh, you got me. Y'all got me. Y'all got me. I used to preach to parents. Like, you got? Well played. Well played. And so I found myself in this loop of I don't know what to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So can – this is the unpopular conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I'm trying to think of the right way to say it. I'm just going to – Yeah. I don't want to be disrespectful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
If you live in a community, it's a rural community and you don't have tons of people around. Yeah, absolutely. The neuroscience still applies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
If you have a really busy job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you are doing so great. Hey, on today's show, we have a special episode. All things social media, screens, the internets, all of it. If you're like me... You know that this, and you're reading, you read Jonathan Hyatt's book, The Anxious Generation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
The truth is the truth is the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
If the thought of, so here's the thing that happened here, right? I'll use myself as the... I never got home before seven o'clock, maybe 6.30. If I was like, my wife would be like, hey, when I was working higher ed. I was always another article to read, another budget to do, another student crisis to write about. And I was here and my boss, Dave, was doing a late night media hit. He pops in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Everybody's gone. I'm here at 6.30. Because first in, last out, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he says, what are you doing here? And I was like, I'm finishing up these articles. I was reading mental health articles because he hired me to be a mental health guy. And he said, go home. All right, dude. Like, yeah, I'm finishing up. I'll be gone. He comes into the little complex and he gets real close.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And he said, I said, go home. And he said it in a kind of a paternal way. I was like, oh, I'm a grown man. And I looked at him and he said this, if you are no good there, you'll be no good here. And then he said, you will not use the name Ramsey as an excuse to not be a present husband and father. Go home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So I went home. So the next day, I was like, I'm not going to do my work. I'm just going to go home when everybody goes home. Carlos, I got home at like 5.30, 5.15. And I realized I did not know how to be a dad and a husband from 5 o'clock to 7 o'clock. There was a rhythm of my family that I was completely unaware of. And I injected my chaos into that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I was like, hey, son, what are you working on? He's like, dad, I'm doing homework. My daughter, I'm like, hey. And she's like, ah. And my wife was like, hey, everybody's just quiet when you get home. They've had crazy days. So if you're thinking about, well, am I going to just put my phone away? Right. And I'm going to have to face that marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I'm going to have to face three kids that I know they love me, but we don't like each other. I don't even know how to interact with them. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
you have to go there. I guess that's what I'm asking you to do is you got to head into that because that's where the healing is because that's where your life's on the other side of that. Absolutely, man. Is that fair? That's very fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
If you don't like what you see in the mirror, you got to go have a conversation with your doctor or with like what, like we're avoiding reality and I think there's a reckoning with reality. Well, and that reckoning is what people are scared of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I say that like I know what to do. Sure. And yet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And when you start doing this, admit to yourself, I got a problem. Yeah, yeah, it's okay. It's like when I'm like, I'm not gonna eat candy for two weeks and 30 minutes in, I'm like, I know, totally. I got a problem. You know what I mean? I got a problem. It just is. Own it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
um absolutely and then your book shows up and so i'm like who's this guy so i called about a mutual friend of ours he's like no carlos is a real deal and so um and then you spoke this morning and i i mean i literally walked out of the the event this morning and and talked to my wife and i was like hey i you hit the final domino piece for me yeah wow and so uh i'd love just to kind of start here yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
That's what I feel right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So there's another side to it. Yeah. And that's this. Um, and I always just want to, I always want to be honest when I, when I tell people like, Hey, you're heading on a journey. It's always day three. Yeah. Right. You're like, I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
It sucks. Right. Or your new workout program. It's like, I'm so sore. I can't move. Um, I was having a lunch with a couple of fancy, fancy, fancy pants. Yeah. Who's got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Bank accounts. Not with me. Yeah. Yeah. It was not the cheeseburger Carlos. Um, and. One of the guys at the table didn't understand what I was doing. And I'm new to this whole thing, and I don't really understand what I'm doing either. And they're like, so what? You know, like squinty, like looking at you like you're stupid. Like they're going to squint their way to figuring you out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Like, what are you doing? I'm like, well, I travel around and speak. And he goes, I'd never hire you to come talk to my company.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I was like, why? I've been talking to companies for forever. He said, you don't know anything about marketing and sales. And I was like, I wouldn't talk to you about marketing and sales. Right, right, right. And he said, what are you talking about? And then I just throw in spaghetti at a wall. And I said, I bet your kids don't like being in the room with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And it went, hmm. Oh, wow. And he said, or you walk in and your kids either pick up their phones or they just get up and head to the room and you say, that's just them being teenagers. And you know it's not. And it was one of, he leaned back and he smiled real big in that way that only super rich people know when they got had. And he smiled and he goes, you got my attention, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Here's the reality. Reckonings, there's peace on the other side of a reckoning, but reckonings are hell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And there will be a whole bunch of people that put their phones down and they realize their marriage has been dead for 10 years. They realize their kids are not okay. They realize their health is precarious, right? Or they hate their job and they don't have a path, right? And so I think there's a – I don't want to use religious language, but there's a holiness to, there's a refinement to –
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Walk me through. It's Sunday afternoon, and that little tag comes across your phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
The only path towards a real life is through the middle of that fire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Not avoiding it or walking around it. Dude. And so if you can put your phone down and look at your spouse and say, look, we got a choice. Yeah. We can walk away. This is me and my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
We can be done. Yep. Or we've chosen our way into this. Yep. We can choose an amazing something else and it's going to suck, but we can choose that too. Absolutely, man. That... I guess I feel a sense of re-empowerment. There's something about putting your phone down, meaning you get to choose what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Because it wasn't about answers. It wasn't about the chapter and the verse. No, it wasn't. Oh, gosh. I'm sitting here with a sweater full of yarn.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I can choose to continue to live at 60% lung capacity and that life is hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I can choose to say, okay, I'm going to figure this thing out. I'm going to be banned of people and we're going to figure it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And that's going to be real hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
But I don't think there's an easy option anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And if you don't think, if you don't think you're worth another half.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
For God's sake, go talk to somebody. Yes, absolutely. Cause you're not a burden and you're worth, you're worth having that kind of depth. And if that terrifies you, that's the healing. Absolutely. You're worth the work, right? Yeah. Yeah. What are some things besides an alarm clock and a newspaper? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Rattle off some things that are going to sound like we are rolling back the clock a little bit, but I think it's the new progress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Maybe the purpose of meals is not to go to Yelp and have a perfect meal every time. No. Maybe a big part of meals is going, that was terrible.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And then I ran across a review and it was like one tomato or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I remember feeling stupid. Yeah, totally. Nope. Totally. I get to think that movie was funny. That's right. Tommy Boy's funny. Yep, you get to. It's okay. It's okay. Yes. And so maybe the perfect isn't the perfect date and the perfect sex. No, no. Maybe life is this. Oh, yes, man. And that's the depth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
That's the richness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And it's the, I remember being under a tree in the field when I heard this. And it freaked me out. Yeah. Dude, it was a bird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Bird wings make noise. Make noise. Depending on how big the bird is, loud noise. Yeah. I never heard it. Yes. And it made me wonder, what else am I missing? What else? And so, yeah, occasionally go on a walk without your... Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And write down, I'm not gonna spoil it here, you gotta get the book, but I'm gonna start keeping, this is gonna sound cheesy, for all you beef, I'm gonna start keeping a wonder journal. Yes. Stuff that I rediscovered or discovered that I didn't know. Yes. I didn't know you could hear birds flap their wings. Exactly, I love that. I didn't know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I didn't know there was this many different colors of flowers. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yes. I'm gonna start keeping a wonder, I didn't know this meal could taste that good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
100.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I started a practice in airports. I'm in there so much. Yeah. And this sounds ridiculous. And it's hard for me even to explain it to non-therapists. there's a thing in therapy where if you're meeting with a client and you feel yourself kind of falling asleep, getting bored, like you're struggling to stay connected, is to imagine This sounds cheesy. Almost Care Bear style.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Like my chest is connected. Like there's a beam from my heart to yours. Yeah. And I'm going to consciously. And it was, it became this, it started as a cheesy, like kind of rolled my eyes. Yeah. And then it became magic. Which is walking down the, just the regular airport. Yep. And looking at somebody and saying, I love that guy. I love that woman. Wow. And you start to see people's faces. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And you see their exhaustion. You see their joy. You see their nervousness. Yeah. But it was just a simple practice of, I love that guy. Yeah. I love that woman. I love that guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
But it became this, I will do a thing so that I see the people that I'm walking by. Yes. And it makes me slow down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And you can't do that with earbuds shoved in. And my whole... All of my house is paid for with people listening to me. Totally, I get it. So I get what I'm asking. Same, same. And I think there's a time and a place, but I think there's something about plugging back in. Yeah, absolutely.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Dude, this is one of those moments where my family's life, my life, my marriage will be different today because of your time and the work that you put in. So thank you for that. I don't say that lightly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
So we live in the same town. We will have cheeseburger time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
I will hold you. I don't wear skinny jeans. No, no. It's the one time I can pull out my secret cargo shorts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Oh, yes! Hey, appreciate you, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that our bodies had no idea even existed up until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And Bond Charge has a ton of other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, 100% blackout sleep masks, and more. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save $50.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
15 that's b-o-n-c-h-a-r-g-e bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to save 15 go right now all right we're back i hope you enjoyed that conversation and i hope you have already thrown your phone into the river but before you do that you can click on the link below to get all of his books and to find out more about carlos where he might be at on tour and everything like that um
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
The book is a worthy read. It's a fascinating read, and it's good. So go check it out. And just make a commitment to yourself. I'm going to turn my phone off more. I'm going to be present with my family and kids more. And if you find yourself present with your family and kids, and it's awkward, it's electric, you don't know what to do next, that's right. Get some questions for humans.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Go for a walk. Go dig a hole. Go play in the mud. Go throw stuff at each other. I don't know. Play Candyland for gods. I don't care what you do. Make a commitment. to live life on the other side of the screen. Love you guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs. We'll see you soon. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
You are paying attention to what's out in the world with the TikTok bans and the social media stuff and the insane rise in mental health challenges, especially with young teen girls. But I think it's actually in boys too. It just manifests itself differently. Everybody's concerned about it, social media, and they've gamified human connection. it is hard to get off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
This is wise. This was wise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Well, and you offer the most compelling what's next. Yeah. And I like you, man. I've watched this in real time. I've lived it. I've had my own haunting experience with – just, just golf clapping. Sure. The, the tech guys, plus the neuroscientists, plus the, um, the guys that created like digital heroin. Like they beat me. Yeah. They have beat me. They won.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And they, they beat my wife who is a Luddite, right? She's from the wrong century. They, um, they, they, they beat us. She, I mean, she is. Yeah. It's so good. And I remember my two year old son, like we were, we dude, we were crazy. Yeah. No screens, no TV, nothing. And I'll never, like, I remember he was two and, And they slid a... It was like at a burger joint in Nowhere, Texas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
It's hard to even, like, it's just, the whole thing's chaotic. And if you pull your kids off of it, then they're crying in their bedrooms that they're missing out on friendships and birthday parties. It's just, the whole thing's a mess. So, I've got a buddy here in Nashville. His name is Carlos Whitaker. And Carlos wrote a book. He is an author and a speaker. He's here in Nashville, Tennessee.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And they slid a laminated menu. And his two little non-functioning fingers, he was trying to like... And I remember going... But I told my wife, I said, it's in the water. It's in the water. iPads were barely out. But he was trying to make it bigger. And I was like, oh, this is in the air. And... I always, I go to two things that are compelling to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
Number one, when they discovered penicillin, partridge in a pear tree, do this, death from infection fell off a map. They solved that problem, right? And the other one is, and I always forget, one of the famous psychology godfathers said, I thought if I took away my client's depression, anxiety, I would heal them. And what I did was I made them empty. Wow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
The anxiety and depression were serving a role.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And so it was not just about removal. It's about what do we put there? Replacement. And I have not seen that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
It's all been here's five steps. Here's the room. And so you give such a compelling vision. I want to start here. Tell me what happened with your brain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And this, to me, takes it out of the woo-woo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
No, no, no. It's a picture. It's a snapshot. So R equals one. I mean, it equals one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
That is profound in a country where cognitive decline is taking everything from us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
And I invited him. We went and had lunch. And I was like, man, you need to come on the show. And I want to talk about your new book. But more importantly, I want to talk about your experience as you unwound this thing. And this is one of the most important conversations I think I've had on this show. And I hope you will not just scroll past it. because this isn't us talking about the science.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The Scary Truth of How Screens Are Rotting Our Brains (With Carlos Whittaker)
It's so bizarre to me how I miss this. But one of the most magical parts, I think, the most amazing parts of the human body is how it diverts resources to things that are in use, and it takes resources from things that aren't being used. And if every minute of every day... I'm grabbing this phone. Where do I need to go? What's the answer to this thing? What does it look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Big news! New dates for Money and Marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend 2026. Get tickets at ramseysolutions.com slash events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay, but how is it going well now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. You want to keep doing the same things but have different outcomes. I'm just throwing things up against the wall.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And if you're doing things differently with a daughter than you would with a son, I think you'll need to challenge yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And you have to hold this open-handedly. There's nothing you can do about it. And that's heartbreaking for parenting adult children. I hear that over and over and over. I thought parenting was hard when they were four. It's impossible when they're older because they're walking right into the same mistakes and challenges and hard experiences that I went through, and I can't do anything about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
It is. Your feelings are right, and it's worth spending a moment in time grieving, not being sad, that your little boy is now a very young man. And that's when the relationship in many ways shifts from, I'm going to tell you what to do, to, hey, will you go have coffee with me? I just need to tell you some stories about my life that you don't really know. And this is what I'm seeing. I love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
It's been a tough show. And that's not in addition to all the other media.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I can't control what you do after this meal. But I just want you to know I love you. And I also want you to know that if things go sideways, you can always come home. You can always come home. You're moved, Denise. I would love it if you sent us a picture of an amazing home-cooked meal with this wide-eyed 37-year-old girlfriend of your son sitting at the kitchen table wondering what just happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
That would be incredible, Denise. You'd be a legend. We come back. We talk to a woman who is nervous to talk about a sensitive topic with her husband because he might get mad. We'll be right back. There's no finish line when it comes to your mental and emotional and spiritual health. You don't wake up one day and just say, all right, I've arrived.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Your mental and emotional and your spiritual health, it's ongoing work. It's daily work. And for me, a big part of that daily work is staying emotionally and spiritually grounded. And that's why I use Everyday Hallow. Hallow is the number one prayer and meditation app in the world, and it helps me stay centered when life gets loud.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Not me. I am full go, full tilt. Let's just get started. I'm 100%. Or as the great Doc Holliday said, I'm in my prime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
It's a great tool that helps me stay connected, helps me slow down, and it helps me be grateful. Whether it's the guided meditations, the music, or the scripture readings, Hallow helps me be mindful even when life feels like it has gone off the rails. It helps me quiet the noise and be still intentionally, on purpose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
If you've recently started building some spiritual or emotional health habits, or you're exploring what this all means, get started with Halo today. These five minute moments add up over time and they create something real. Carve out the space, make the time, set the reminders. And if you haven't tried Halo yet, now's the time. Go to halo.com slash Deloney and get three months completely free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
That's three months completely free at hallow.com. All right, I've been talking about the benefits of red light therapy forever. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about Bonn Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights and little tiny screens and medium sized screens and gigantic screens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And sometimes all these screens at the same time, all of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bonn Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, all of it. And listen up. If your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I got the mask and it is awesome. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. And it's simple. There's no creams or appointments.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
That makes you a good family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E. Bondcharge.com slash Deloney. Use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. I just got to Pittsburgh and talked to dear Marie. What's up, Marie?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Oh, that's very... Are you nervous about talking to me or nervous about the rain?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Every single time, 100% of the time, those guys over by the river ask, why are you doing this, Doc? And Doc says, oh, dude, it's happening again because I'm tired and we get choked up. He said, because Wyatt's my friend. And he said, I got lots of friends. And he goes, I don't. I cry every time because I have friends like that, that on their deathbed would be like –
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So... I don't know. Why are you arguing with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Yeah, of course. But why, why would he communicate with you if you'll fight every time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Like, if you'll fight over everything and you disagree over everything, why in the world would he talk?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Let me ask you this. What does disagreeing and fighting get you? Not y'all, but you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
But it gives you something because you keep doing it over and over and over and over again. What does it bring you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
But he never does. Ever, ever, ever, ever. No. Not when y'all are arguing. So why do you keep doing it? What is it bringing you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
He doesn't. I don't think that's true because I think he knows. I think he takes that as he's going to accept the piece of cord that's on the table even though it's a bad deal for everybody. Yeah. My guess is this. A lot of people argue all the time thinking they're trying to solve a problem. That's not what they're trying to do. What they're trying to do is get an emotional release.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And over time, when two people are trying to get an emotional release with and from each other, what ends up happening is it becomes a parasitic relationship. I'm using you to vomit on so that I can get an exhale. And I hate the way this feels. And so I'm going to blame you that we didn't get anywhere from this vomiting I just did and vice versa.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And eventually one person quits.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
All right. So the question you have to ask is this. Because you don't argue with your boss every time you go in. You don't argue with your mom or your dad every second you see them, right? Or your grandmother, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. So that tells me you have the mental and emotional and psychological and physical capabilities of not arguing. Right. And so you have to sit down and say, I'm going to be an adult and I'm going to choose to not fight. And I'm going to choose that we need to solve some major problems. You and me and our quote unquote communication stuff, that's not the issue here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
What's at stake here is these big rocks. And so I'm going to commit to when I feel triggered, when I feel set off, I'm going to exhale. I'm going to have to take a walk around the living room, but I'm going to come back to the table. Yeah. And y'all just establish ground rules. And if one of you says, I'm not doing that, then that's what you need to know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
If we're going to dance and we're going to hide a body, I'll be there. Give me a minute. And oh my gosh, because Wyatt's my friend. What a great line. Tucson, Arizona. Let's talk to Denise. What's up, Denise?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Hold on. How in the world do you have the right to judge what is stupid and what's not stupid? If he's putting it on the table, this is a pain point for me. And you're like, that's stupid. I got one foot out the door. I'd quit talking to you too. Yes. If you sat down and said, hey, you're not happy in this house. I'm not happy in this house. And I want to be happy with you in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I'm willing to sit here for 45 minutes and just let you go. What's in your heart, man? And he's probably going to start with tip-tack stuff. Well, you said you were going to do the laundry and you didn't do mine last week. And the dog was barking and you always take care of the dog and you didn't go get it. You'll start there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And if you can just swallow your ego for a second, for five, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, and then it will get to, I'm exhausted. We don't have any money. I feel like I'm on a treadmill. I feel like you spend money like crazy. I feel like I don't like how I feel. My clothes don't fit. Like you'll get to the real stuff. Yeah. And then vice versa.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
But if every time you sit down to say, I've got a grenade I want to throw, and then he throws one back and you're like, yours is stupid. Well, of course. I'm not going to talk. And by the way, if your grenade is, your grenade is bigger. Your grenade's a threat. I'm already halfway out the door. I'm leaving you. Yeah. So here's my big question. Are you done with this marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Not what I asked you. Are you done with this marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
If you're not done with this marriage, you have to have the vulnerability and the astounding bravery and courage to sit down and say, I will go all in if you will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So what you're trying to do is, is threaten him into coming to rescue you. And what you're doing is you're making it very hard to come rescue you. And in the process, you're not just going to step off the edge. You're going to fall. You get what I'm saying? Like you're dangling over the edge and like, you better come get me. You better come get me. You better come get me. And you're going to slip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So let me answer. What is so scary? Are you scared of physical violence?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Are you scared of emotional berating? You suck. I'm going to swearing at you, screaming at you, pounding the table at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. It sounds like there's one underlying fear here. And I want you to just say, nope, you're wrong or crap. That's it. You're afraid if you go all in, he may say, I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay, good. Because my nine-year-old is not having me right now. And so I need to pass on nine-year-old parenting questions. But I'm happy to lecture you on adult child questions. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And what about if I talked to him, would he say, dude, for the last 20 years, I've been told what we're going to eat, what I'm going to wear, where we're going to live, where the kids are going to go to school?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. That's where you start. That's where you start, Marie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
That's where you got to start. I've been your mom for the last 20 years, and I've got to be done with that. I want to be your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So there's a both end to that conversation. He has acted like a fourth child, and you have treated him like one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Both of you have participated in this dance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And so part of this is you're grieving 20 years where instead of having a lover, you've had a fourth kid. Basically. It's partially on you and that's partially on him. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. So don't vomit your grief on him as much as take your grief and set it on the table. I've been your mother for 20 years and I'm done with that. Yeah. I want to be your wife. Or I want to be your girlfriend again because we have to rebuild this marriage. And I want to find out if you and I still want to be married to each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Can I be honest with you? I don't hear that you do. And I think that may scare you to death.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. Definitely does. So the harshest reality of where you are is the only way it works is if you close the door and take one foot out of the door and put both feet back in that house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And he may walk right out the back door. Tactically, like... Here's how this goes, A, B, C, and D. Number one, I want you to spend a few minutes or a few hours alone writing down what it is you want. I want X, Y, or Z. I want A, B, and C. That's number one. Number two, set up a time and let them know we're having a grown-up conversation. No yelling, no fighting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
No, we're not here to disagree on minute things. We've got some big stuff we've got to talk about. And I love you and I want us to agree that we're going to have this hard conversation. Oh, what's that about? Are you serious you're going to be doing that? No, no, no, we're not doing that. We're not doing that. This one's for real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And you know that you have a voice when you can be whiny and naggy and you have a voice when you can be angry and then you also have a voice when he knows you're being serious, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. That's the one I'm talking about. And I want y'all, if you can leave the house, great. If not, find a place where there's no screens or anything. We all can look directly at each other and no kids. And then here's the fourth big one. Every one of these things that you bring up at the very beginning have to start with I statements, not you statements.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
For the last 20 years, I have acted in the role as your mom. And I've wanted you to have this kind of life. I wanted you to be at peace. I've wanted you to feel good. And I have acted like your mother. And I am tired and I am no longer going to do that. And I still love you to the moon and back. And I want to, us to start dating again and find a spark that we had or find a new spark.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Say those exact words. I want to be your wife, and I want you to spoil me, and I want you to take care of me. And be honest. I don't know how to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Because I think you like the idea of being taken care of, and I think you would fight somebody trying to take care of you, especially at the beginning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay. So be honest. I want you to take care of me, and I don't know how to let you do that. And you can laugh and say, I don't even know if you know how to do that. And the big question is, are we willing to learn how to do that together? And then you'll get to, and then let's pretend he's all in. Yes, thank God. This is amazing. I love it. I'm all in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
No way. Have you tried to fight her like at a pool hall?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Before you leave, you leave with a small action plan. Okay. From this point forward, no more yelling. From this point forward, if I say the words, I have a vulnerable thing to say, all the screens go down, face down, and the promise is no rebuttals. I'm just going to say it out loud.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I'm not doing laundry anymore, or you're going to be responsible for your laundry for 30 days or 60 days or 90 days, and we're going to try it out. Whatever those little knickknackies are, y'all co-create a 30- or 60-day plan with what comes next. Absolutely. And listen, he may say, I am all in. And that'll scare you to death. And he may say, I'm out. And that'll break your heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
If you go in and sit down and say, I've not done a good job of telling you what I'm feeling over the years. And I've blamed you for it and I'm sorry. Yeah. You see, man, you're talking about a revolutionary change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Good gosh. How'd you find out he's dating a 37 year old? He just came home and volunteered that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And let's say this, if he walks out the back door, it will be heartbreaking, all that kind of stuff, but you will be able to exhale knowing I tried to control what I could control and I left everything on the table in the spirit of reconnecting and re-imagining our marriage. In some time, that's the best we can do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
frustratingly, that's the only way it works if you want to rebuild something, and both of you go all in. Thanks for the call. When we come back, we talk to a man who is wrestling with the aftermath of donating an organ. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
More and more people are becoming aware of the need to take care of themselves, whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to a fear of judgment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And I understand this. I have felt that same judgment before when I finally tried to get up the courage to get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families. It impacts workplaces. It impacts their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And if I can be selfish on your behalf for a minute, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy and it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them. So to get started, you just get online and fill out a short survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily for no extra cost. Listen, we're all better with help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. Out to Seattle, let's talk to Team Edward. What's up, Edward? Hey, good afternoon, Dr. John. Good afternoon to you, brother. What's up, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So is this for a family member or a total stranger?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So she, this woman works with your husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So I appreciate you being honest, man. This is something that I think would haunt me too, but I would not have the courage to say it out loud. I would just eat it, right? So good on you for saying it out loud. I'm fascinated to know this question, and this is a little bit perverse. This is just me wanting to know, but it may have a relevance later on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
What story have you made up about the recipient as to why they haven't contacted you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Dude. Your son is dating a woman who's your age.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Well, I think the challenge for you is you are expecting external validation for an internal narrative. And yeah, I think this is instructive for the way most of us live our lives. We do the dishes so our spouse will pat us on the back. We get straight A's so our dad will give us that one little wink, maybe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And what I've found in my own life and in the lives of countless other people I've sat with is the people who win are the ones that complete that narrative internally. Because what you've done is you've created a story. Essentially, there was some sort of altruistic 401k at play here. I want to do this, and the ROI on this investment will at least be a card I can put in the drawer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And I'd love for you, yes, dude, I want that for you. I would expect that. If I mow my neighbor's yard, I at least want her to say thank you. At least wave, put a little smiley face card under – like a little note under my windshield wiper. You know what I'm saying? But I've got to do – on the front end, it's got to be up to me to say this act of service is in and of itself a complete circle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So what do you propose to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I know, but that's just a sophisticated matter of semantics. You want someone to give you a hug and high five you, and you're not wrong for that. And you want somebody to say, hey, you gave me life. You gave me an organ from your body. That's not wrong for you to want that. Why do you think, why are you avoidant of that sort of recognition?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Yeah. Edward got to look in the mirror and say, I'm going to put myself at risk for the greater good. Period. Story is over. Because if this person is in jail, I still think you did an amazing thing. If this person has passed away, they got this kidney, they lived another four months, they went to cardiac arrest, they never came out of the hospital. What you did was an amazing thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
If you're looking, I mean, this is, we can, I mean, you've probably heard the old trolleyology. If you haven't, it's a fun, you can go down to Google rabbit hole with trolleyology out of philosophy classes. But are we doing stuff because there's good in and of itself? Are we doing things only if is the value of the thing we did only in the end result?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
The problem is as an author, you've given somebody else the pen that they didn't ask for. You're still waiting for somebody to tell you you're a good man, that you did good. And I'm telling you on behalf of my little kids, you wake up every day and you may not come home. And I know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Because my dad has a special little box in the back of his closet because he may not come home every single day from work. You're a good man. You did an extraordinary thing. And it's ridiculous that you haven't got a note or a call or a letter. I'm with you. It's absurd. But I would rather you be frustrated and just like, ugh, than you having handed somebody a pen and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
and hoping they'll close, like write the final chapter of your story. You're the only author of your story, man. And I can't think of a more powerful speaker at a benevolent donor conference to say, I had to look in the mirror, y'all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
You had your son when you were 19?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So if y'all are doing this for, because you think there's going to be a great Instagram reel and a fun story that's going to end up on CBS News when it's over, my person has never called me. And I wouldn't change a thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Put yourself back in 18-year-old youth's shoes. Some adult wants to come talk to you about love and sex and connection. How would that go?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I want you by yourself, go into your office at your house, and I want you to write this person an imaginary letter. Like write them a real letter, but you're not going to send it. And I want in your mind, I want you to decide whether it's a 19-year-old male, a 48-year-old grandmother, a 79-year-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
You get to pick the picture and write him or her a letter and say, here's what I hope for your life. And then you put that letter in your drawer. You can put that letter in the garbage. You can shred it. You can put it in a fire pit. But I want you to stop carrying around this open loop. It's driving you into the ground. You did an amazing thing. This person may be deceased.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
This person may have some intellectual challenges. This person may be deployed. We don't know. And so any story we make up about this person is a burden to us, not them. And you are right and good and great to be frustrated and angry and sad. Those feelings don't make you a good person. I mean, a bad person, they make you human.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I want it for you. And I don't feel guilty at all. People should say thank you. It makes my wife die laughing. I'm over-emotional and just kind of goofball-y, but when things get bananas, I get really still. One of the things that makes me comically enraged is when I'm driving in an urban area and somebody walks across the crosswalk and they don't wave. I get so irrationally mad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
When someone won't just nod and wave and say, thank you for not running me over. I don't know why that makes me so mad. It just feels like the lowest level of common human decency is to look somebody in the eye and wave to them. So dude, you gave somebody an organ. I am indignant on your behalf. The challenge is what am I going to do next? What is that indignation bringing me? Nothing but misery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
What does not processing my feelings bringing me? Nothing but a low-level hum of this thymia of depression. Just I'm slowly just, I'm becoming trapped in my own. Why not? Where is it? Who is it? What is it? Why didn't they do it? I bet it's because they don't even care. What if they're even doing drugs? What if they're, and then I'm just making up stories that impact me, not them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I did a good thing. You did a good thing. And you did the right thing. And if we're only... If we're only doing the right things in the world because we want some ROI on them, we're going to have an exhausted life. If we only do good things in the world and we only judge the value of the things of our actions by... Not that we'd made the best call with the information we had.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
We did it because it was just the right thing. But what was the end result? Man, that's an exhausting life. And dude, that's a philosophical debate as old as time. Yeah, you did a good thing, brother. You did a good thing. Write that letter tonight to that imaginary person. And if you really want to know, reach out. Just say, I want to check in. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
But at this point, you're choosing not to have contact. That's a choice you're making. And you're choosing not to close the loop. That's a choice you're making. The move from here is yours. I'm grateful that men like you are in my community. Appreciate you, brother. All right, let's talk about Cozy Earth. Y'all have heard me say, I love sleeping in a cold, cold room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
about sex and love, and what's the next right move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And my wife would love to sleep under one of those taquito lamps at a baseball stadium. She loves sleeping when the room is so hot. And this is one of the many reasons why we both love our Cozy Earth sheets. They help each of us sleep at the perfect temperature. I don't know how they do it, some kind of voodoo Hogwarts kind of stuff, but they ferret it out and they're soft and they're breathable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
night long and because i want all of you to sleep great every night you should all know that sheets are not created equal they're like everything else there's a range of quality from terrible sheets that feel like sleeping on an old paper towel to amazing sheets that make getting into bed feel amazing Cozy Earth sheets are amazing. They craft their sheets out of viscose from bamboo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And these are special fabrics and fibers that are amazing at regulating temperature and wicking moisture away while you sleep. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. Plus, Cozy Earth goes to great lengths to verify that their materials are responsibly sourced so you can feel good about how you sleep and about how your sheets are made.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And remember, Cozy Earth spring into comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. 40% off everything. That's 40% off. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, Kelly. That first call, dude, you have a 19-year-old son. Now, I know it's a little bit different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
What would he have said? You knew him at 21. What would he have said? What would he have said if he came to you at 21? He's like, hey, we're going to stop having sex. Somebody sat down and told me... our future is more important and we might get pregnant at 19 and we, we need to do X, Y, and Z first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
It'd be like him dating a 78-year-old. But, like, imagine your son is dating an old, old lady that's your age. I can't wrap my head around it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay, my son's 15, so there's a legality thing there, but I'm trying to imagine him – what is that? That's 33?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I can't even – I can't – No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Again. You've been in jail a few times before, and you're like, I'm going back to jail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
You do have teardrop tattoos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
But again, and here's like just for a second for everybody listening, because here's the stuff going through my head. This is dicey because if you don't want them to together, I can get the narrative. I need to keep him as close as possible to me. And if I say, hey, you can't live here and be in this relationship. He's going to go to her house. I might I might facilitate them their closeness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Right. And so I get I get being nervous all around. The whole thing's just a messy situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I was about to say, it wouldn't be super good. No, no, not at all. You would just see Kelly's supernova from space just.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I'm going to go like, what would you, can you, is that, is that like, that's all you started laughing. That's like comical, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Ooh, this is going to be a controversial one. I think she's the problem because she's going into someone else's house and demanding they live. It's like if you're gluten-free or you have like a, well, peanut allergy, you'll die. So I get that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
But if you're a vegetarian and you go to somebody's barbecue and you throw a fit and start lecturing them on how, why what they're eating is wrong and they shouldn't be, you're the problem. Same as if I show up at my friend's house. I've got some friends that are just staunch vegetarians and I throw a fit like, where's the meat? That's me. I'm a jerk there. I'm the problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I don't think this woman's a jerk. I think she's A, right. I think there should be more adult contact with kids in these settings and not just one person per 30 kids dropped in front of screens. Totally agree with her. I agree with the American Pediatric Association. And I don't think I've ever said that sentence on this particular thing. I'm all in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And I'm not saying what your 20 year old's doing is right. I mean, clearly he's in over his head. Okay. Um, but, but the, the process of trying to lecture and talk him through X, Y, and Z is really relatively futile. He's a 20 year old man. Now here's where you can tighten the screws up. And here's where I would tighten the screws up. And it's not just about him dating a 37 year old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And what she's wanting is to go in and dictate how these other people with different values are going to do life. And... She's allowed to have her feelings hurt. She's allowed to be frustrated. She's allowed to say, hey, we may have to find a new church. We may have to find new childcare. Yeah, that stinks. But yeah, she, I don't know. I mean, yeah, the onus of what comes next is on her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
No way. What's up? What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Coming to you live in reverse from Nashville, Tennessee. Taking your calls on your mental and emotional health and your relationships and whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to hear from you. Shoot me an email. For you older folks, that's an electronic letter that you just hit send on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And she's allowed to have her feelings hurt, and she's got to go find a different childcare if that's a priority for her. Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Yeah. That's up to her. Yeah. Yeah. near near near near look at you coming around look at you coming around yeah I wish kids well I don't say that I say that too much nope I'll say it again I saw a stat this morning 40% 4-0 40% of 2 year olds have an iPad why is the world falling apart oh no I don't know. Jeez. Love you guys. Bye. Wait, wait, don't go anywhere. I've got huge news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
We just added new dates for Money in Marriage Getaway over Valentine's Day weekend in 2026. This is the chance for you and your spouse to leave the nutty, bonkers schedules behind and take time to focus on your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I'll be hosting with my friend, Rachel Cruz, and we're digging into topics that really matter to every healthy marriage, like sex and intimacy, growing your communication, connecting, how to fight, and more. Join us February 12th through 14th in beautiful Nashville, Tennessee for an incredible weekend to build a stronger, more intimate marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Early bird pricing starts at $749 per couple for the whole weekend, but the prices will be going up soon. Get tickets at ramseysolutions.com slash events. That's ramseysolutions.com slash events.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
It's any number of things is looking at where I am contributing to his life. Meaning if you want to be an adult and make adult decisions and you still live in my house, I'm still paying your car insurance. You're still on my cell phone plan. I'm still paying for your college. I'm putting groceries in your fridge. I'm not going to contribute to that. I love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I'll sit with you when this goes well or this goes sideways. But I'm not going to financially contribute to a life that I see you're fast approaching a brick wall and you're in a car with a foot with a gas pedal all the way down on the floor. So does he still live with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
What's the deal with this woman? Your husband knows her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
She doesn't work for him. She just works with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Yeah, for sure. And by the way, I would be 100% making those jokes, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
No, it's not funny at all, but that's kind of one of my character flaws. I usually know I'm not going to be friends with somebody if they say the words too soon. I'm like, hey, we're probably not going to be good friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Here's the deal. Anything you want to do is reasonable. Here's what your son needs to know. Like, what you want is to have your son do what you want him to do, but you don't want the parental pressure of having to tighten the screws down and make him choose between the comfort his mom has given him and the painful realities of being an adult. And you can't have both.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And a lot of, especially young mothers, they're who, or even with adult kids, their kid is their entire identity. And I don't like to tell them no. I don't like to tell them you have to move out. I don't like to tell them we can't afford this college. I don't like to tell them you got to drive this old beat up car. Because if he feels bad, then I feel bad because he is my entire identity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I don't want to cast that on you, but I hear that a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Yeah, we don't care about him. I'm just kidding. So here's the thing. You can sit down with him and say, look, I don't approve of this relationship. I think it's dangerous for you. I think you're being preyed upon by somebody twice your age. You can do that. And you can say, so as somebody who is the main funder of your life, I'm cutting off that spigot. You have a choice to make.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
You can say you cannot live here. You can pay your own bills. You can do everything you want to do like that. But I can in good conscience continue to fund your life while you do things that I know are going to hurt you down the road.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And even if this particular relationship doesn't hurt you, the follow-up relationships might be distorted and different because of this experience as a young 20-year-old. You're not even old enough to drink yet. You can do that. Or you can just say, dude, I'm never going to have him move out ever. I'm not going to do that ever, ever, ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I'm not ever going to make him pay his own cell phone bill. You have to look yourself in the mirror with that. And that means you have zero leverage to tell him how to live his life. And in that case, you're sitting across the table from him in a diner saying, I would never have traded you for the world. And having a baby at 19 was real, real hard. It was tough. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
You don't even have to put a stamp on it. For you younger folks, it's a long form email. You don't slide into an email as much as you just like walk down the hall. But however you get it to me, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form, F-O-R-M, and hit send, and it will go to Kelly, and she may call you up. Wake me up before you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Let me tell you about women my age. Or you want to shock his system, look at him and say, hey, honey, sex is awesome. It's really great. And it can be used for really abusive situations here. You're having sex with somebody as old as your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Be frank with him. And what you're doing is you're not using the power of your purse. You're using the power of connection and persuasion. I have my own opinions on what I would do, but it doesn't matter what I would do. It's a matter of what you're going to do and what you can live with. What's your husband say about all this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I know, but flip it around. Let's say you had a 20-year-old daughter and his 37-year-old co-worker was sleeping with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Okay, well, that's just his little boy. Yeah. That 20-year-old needs the same level of protection. And I know he's an adult and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's over his head, man. And quote unquote, be real careful. If I have a business and my son or daughter is getting preyed upon by somebody who's twice their age, they're not working for me. They're just not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Because if I can't trust you to have the dignity and respect not to sleep with my kid half your age, I can't trust you on simple matters like make sure the sales numbers are right. Make sure the engine is cleaned right. I can't trust you on the little stuff. If you would disrespect me in such a spectacular way. What's this woman's end game?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
How in the world would that be a surprise?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Denise. They're not. You know they're not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
Ah, they're not. But I would tell myself that every night too. So I'm with you on that. I'm with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
So here's the thing. You can't do anything about it legally. You just can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
The only thing you can do is make some hard calls as a parent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I don't think that'll go well. Let me say it this way in a weird way. She is, but in your world, she's not the problem. Your son is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
And she may have found herself a hot little 20-year-old young thing, and she's living her life within the bounds of the law. And maybe her dad was 72 and her mom was 52. This is just how she grew up. I don't know. But you can say, dude, it's weird for my son to be sleeping with somebody the same age as me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I can tell you right now, this is going to be a tough show. I can already tell you, Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
You can say, son, you're over your head, and I know this is all exciting and fun and all that, but you're on a pretty dangerous path. Yeah. And you can choose whether to continue to fund his life or not. If my kids find themselves in situations that I'm just watching can only end negatively, I am going to sit down with them and have some direct, loving, connected conversations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
I might even say, I'll go to your wedding. You're not going to live here. You're going to be an adult. If you're going to make adult decisions, you're going to have an adult life. I'll go to your wedding now. I'll be kind and cordial if you bring her over. Or maybe that's the move. You know what? Now that I'm talking out loud, that might be the move. Invite her over for dinner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Son’s Girlfriend Is 2 Years Younger Than Me
She's been in your house today. She's been in your house. Invite her over. I don't want her in my house. Yeah, make dinner. Make a delicious dinner. Be like, so, you're dating my 20-year-old son. Tell me about yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And that's like when you meet a third grade teacher who makes 41,000 bucks a year, who drives an old Corolla, And you can't get that smile off her face, even when she's exhausted, right? She's fulfilled. And then you've got the others that are chasing and chasing and chasing, right? The billionaires who jump off a building. It's that sense of, no, I've got this goal, and this is what I want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And make peace with all of it. I love that. For sure. I love that. What I know about me when I get anxious is I don't see the world right. And the only hedge that I've found against my inability to experience the world as it truly is when I get set off is two things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
One, restrict the number of times I get set off, whether that's dietary, whether that's sleep, whether that is saying yes to too many things, et cetera. Like there's an ecosystem I build for myself or I allow to be built around me that I know now is going to set this off. The other thing is a group of, for me, a group of men and women
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
that I outsource that to, who have a different pair of glasses that see the world. And I can call them and say, hey, dude, my wife said this and I said this. And my buddy would be like, that's the stupidest thing you could have possibly said, right? And he's a banker in Texas, right? Has no day-to-day contact with me, but we know each other. I've got 30 years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Do you have a group of men and women that beyond the, hey, what's your advice? What's this? That are just... Tom's people that you can call and be like, I'm not doing all right. Or that, hey, my wife said this and I don't know how to say this, but it hurt. Am I seeing this right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
We just approach the world very, very differently. And between my show and I ended up doing an episode on his show, man, we cover the gamut, talking about all kinds of amazing things. So if you're interested in somebody who just sees the world differently than me,
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Fair, whatever it takes. I'm seeking advice from you. You kind of like sitting down with somebody who's had a near-death experience. You did it. You had a passion project and you created a thing and then it exploded and then it cosmically exploded. They could see the supernova from space. And then someone wrote you the magic check that's supposed to solve everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
In like multiple standard deviations away, I was raised by a policeman and my wife was raised by school teachers. In the last few years, our lives have dramatically changed. And something I did not expect was a constriction of social circle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
it gets harder and harder to say hello because someone's like hello hey and why i got you right and it turns into a thing and it felt very transactional very fast even with older friends and it wasn't a bad thing it was them realizing oh i didn't realize you had this skill or this talent hey well i got you my marriage is or like whatever's going on and it just gets easier to not pick up the phone and it gets easier just to hang out with my wife and suddenly you look up and it's been two three years and you're like
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Oh, dude, I don't have any friends. You know what I mean? I don't have any friends. I got my 30-year-old friends that I can call, but we don't live by each other. And so is this how you've always just kind of been? Or is this a function of, no, the bigger the thing got... I've just always been this guy. Yeah, okay. Literally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I'm always telling people to get off your screens and go outside and, you know, X, Y. And he lives a very different life and it made for a fascinating, fascinating conversation. So turn it up a little bit. Is that what you say when you're like about to rock and roll or something?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
So... I mean, that's almost scratching a lottery ticket running into Lisa and y'all building this...
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And I had an older sister. Those two things. Bro, same thing. Okay, all right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
You and your mom are way cooler than me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
So it's not a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
It's like reading Italian. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
It's too loud. You're too old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Tom, I feel like nobody's more surprised than me. And I've got a brother. Yes. It's so awkward. So awkward. Do you fight it or you just accept it, make peace with it? Because I don't want to be, because I know what my awkward does to other people. Yeah, that's important. I know my awkward makes other people... Uncomfortable. Exponentially awkward, right? And I don't wanna be. Yup.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Some of that – I wonder if some of that's nervous system, like your body trying to take care of you. You've entered... We were talking before we started. You entered into... I mean, you could sit down and have conversations about the Gaza conflict. You could have conversations about... You could have all the hard religious conversations, and it's not as bad as... the dietary zealots, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Hey, in case you're wondering, that's how Kelly produces this show. Let's turn it up to 11. Nice job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And you built this world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I'm overstating it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I'm overstating it, obviously, but I can't imagine how much shrapnel you've taken over the years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
But here's the thing, as a guy, but I'm thinking 10 years ago, as a guy who stumbled into this weird world where I didn't feel good, and I was also on the road a lot, and dude, if I could walk into a gas station and get something remotely... that I could read the back of the ingredients, like Quest was a gift, right? And to think that that becomes like an epicenter of contention,
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
When you look around and it's like, it's Twinkies or it's chimichangas that have been there seven days or this. How can anybody with any shred of self-worth go after that? Does that make sense? It's such a gift. And to think you were at the middle of it. And I just wrap my head around, I'm trying to make the world a better place. And all I do 24-7, 365 is get beat up for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
It's cool. Hashtag Kelly is old and her influence is just trickling down like Reagan economics. Hey, turn it up and check out my great conversation with Tom Bilyeu. So you know when you're starting to stumble into a new idea or you start hearing it in pockets and you read it and suddenly it's starting to make its way into a new mental model for yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
On my limited scale, I just want people to have better marriages and love their kids. And the amount of grenades that you take, it makes you just want to be like, I'm just going to go home. I get that, the impulse to just shut my door and just drive home and listen to old punk rock and call it. Tell me about building a marriage worth fighting for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I'd say marriage is an act of rebellion in the 21st century.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And so I really called it. Yeah. I really debated that. We'll push you over the edge. Cause that's cause it's not a, it's not an algorithm that, that makes sense on paper. It's interesting. That doesn't feel true to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
The word that has been circling for me the last 24, 36 months over and over and over again is this idea of choice. And the one thing as I worked in academics for 20 years and as I have transitioned out of academics, I recognized that I was a part of a system that I know internally, I know me and the teams that worked for me deeply loved people and deeply tried to take care of people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And I'm going back to the statement about reading Cosmo, because I had an older sister and I paid close attention to the people she dated. And how did, who lit her up? And when she'd come home just overjoyed, like, what'd y'all do? Right? I was just, I was four years younger. And then those, and she'd come home sobbing. And she would occasionally leak out, like, don't ever say this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And I just put a GPS pin in that one because I remember, right? But I also remember the other side, which is, I don't... Like, my dad was a Texas homicide detective, and I played Texas high school football. Like... But I remember dudes banging their heads on the locker. And I was like, what are we doing? We're playing a game. And I love it. It's fun.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
But I remember reading Men's Health for the opposite. Like, what are we doing? Like, what's this almost not enemy lines, but this is the team I'm on. What am I missing here? So it was that learning. What does that even feel like? And I'm so new into entrepreneurship. When I go back, when I say it's an act of rebellion or that it doesn't make sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
The algorithm that I run is the only way this works is if you truly know me. And if you truly know me, then you can hurt me. And that is something that I've tried to shield myself against forever. Can I throw an idea out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And at the same time, we told a whole generation of human being, because of this or this or this or this, you'll never be fully enough. And so y'all go over into the corner and we'll pat you on the head and we'll take care of it for you. I realized how pervasive that is, that the metacultural narrative is there's something wrong with you're not enough and we'll save you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
But that's not the bill of sale culture gives us. The bill of sale is you can do it all. You can have all of it right now. And it's not true. It's just not true. Meaning you can have, you can never miss a little league game and you can have the perfect house and you can make meals every night for your family or eat. Like there is no cost to greatness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And when you're around truly great people, you realize it costs everything. It costs everything. And that's, I think that's the tension.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Just you go into the corner, we'll pat you on the head. And this idea, almost this cutting the chains culturally is this word choice. Like, no, no, you can make a choice. And I don't think we have a psychology for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
All I can do is blame the dealer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Is that time and energy finite? Of course.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
All of us are going to- And that to me is the secret sauce is you got to choose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
In this particular season. A great quote.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Like, what are you going to lose?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
My life is amazing. But you did the one thing and that gave you a foundation from which you could repel off of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Why? That feels like it's the most freeing thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I love an engineering approach to life. I love it because it creates some mental models and it really takes a lot of the... We're all just on a leaf floating down the river. This passive life just happens, right? There was a buddy of mine. He went to me, looked at me. He's like, I reject the statement. It is what it is. That's not true. There is a lot that we can control.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
There has to be a moment when, or maybe it's a series or maybe it's the context. Like Lisa knows you. And she also knows where the knives are that could get through the armor. And she chooses to not. That to me is the magic. And that to me has become culturally inappropriate. Don't get in a place where somebody could ever get you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And what I have found over time, when my wife and I sat across the table, are we going to keep being married? Because we're not doing this anymore. Are we done? Are we calling it? Or did we make a covenant? We're going to have to build something totally new. That's when that chest got opened up and it was like, here it all is. And we've been together 15 years when we did that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Here it all is. Here's all the guns. Are you going to shoot me? Here's all the knives. Are you going to cut me? Or are we going to use those tools and build something amazing? How do you navigate that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you are here. So glad that you're here. I hope your relationships are doing okay. I hope your mental and emotional health is okay. Not that we have an election going on. Kelly, is the election over by the time we're putting this out? Yes, the election is over. We know. Well, maybe we know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And you, before we leave, I, You said something that has become a hot button for me and where I think are – and there's multiple ways. But in our current what I would call the mental health industrial complex, there's this idea that you think your way to emotional health or mental health for lack of better terms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
you said something really important i recognize this and i knew that i was feeling this way but i began to act this way because the idea is mental health is not all the right thoughts in the right order you have to go act you have to go do and there's a reciprocal it works together right my actions become and it's important to say i love that i feel this way okay it's not working
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I'm going to go, the light on my dashboard is telling me my transmission's broken. It's not. The car's running great. I'm going to go this way. And ultimately, that's where you find that connection. I love that. That's amazing. That takes an extraordinary amount of self-awareness. Yes, which is a double-edged sword, but yes. It is. Last thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
You mentioned a couple of times already, just with the few things you've mentioned, your mom sounds like the coolest person ever. Oh, it's pretty dope. What is some advice you would give to moms who are raising boys who are trying to figure the world out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
A, I 100% track with you. And we don't talk about it. And you're right. We'll get mean comments that there's an importance to teaching our kids to be tougher. Where I have found... I had a buddy of mine who's a mental health professional. He's astonishing. But it was 20 years ago. He said, we're going to have hell to pay. I said, why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And he said, because we're removing every bully from every situation. We're not teaching kids how to... handle it and how to deal with it. And that we believe that they are strong enough with us walking alongside them to weather some of these things, but we're telling them implicitly is you'll never be strong enough. The world's got to clear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And he said, there will be a bully at some point that comes through that wipes out the competition. And then there's a whole generation of kid that has, that doesn't even believe I'm strong enough or that I have the toughness. What I found in my house is when kids start seeking comfort,
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
adult attention through whining and hurting it's always because i'm not closing the loop somewhere else if that's the only way they get me is when they go oh i'm hurt or out that's a signal to me that i'm not communicating that i see you and i care about you and i love you and that you're safe in this house
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
now get back on the field right go yes you got bonked with a ball go right and i love that like we're teaching kids it's all the same pain and it's not it's not and there is a difference between a broken thumb and a and yeah you got kicking the shit and that hurt that one hurt bad oh man i think you can get back out there i love that man well dude thanks for your time it was an honor man thank you it was a lot of fun it is an honor you're a gift appreciate you brother my pleasure
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
All right, that was my conversation with Tom Bilyeu. Check out all of his cool stuff in the show notes, his show, his linked impact theory, his courses, all of his stuff will be there. Thank you so much for joining us. I hope you guys have a great, great week. Be kind. No matter what kind of chaos is going on right now, and I'm just assuming there'll be chaos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Maybe it'll just be insane amounts of peace. But whatever chaos is going on right now, you can always choose kind. Thank you so much. I love you guys. Stay in school and don't do drugs. Peace out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
There is what I would call an educated middle, a group of people who read well, who have great morning routines, who listen to all the right podcasts, et cetera, okay? When I think back over the last 20 years of the folks who spent 25, 30 years of their life studying a thing, people who I'd call true subject matter experts, maybe not application experts, but they know this thing really well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And then I sit with people like you who have been at the top of business, who are putting their relationships on display in certain, like it's out there, right? No doubt. That group of people, they cannot wait to have their mental models disrupted. There is a, I don't want to say joy, but there is a revelation of being wrong or having someone be like, no, no, no, look at it this way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And it's like, yes, it's right. It's like I got another plate on the bar. Yet this middle, this educated middle feels like, no, no, I've got to get this answer so I can lock into it and never let go of it. How do you teach a group of people to say, no, no, no, there's actually freedom in being wrong? Because you get closer to the truth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
There's not freedom in finding this right answer and dying on every hill. Because that feels like what we've done, right? And using your glasses analogy, it's like we're so afraid to take off our glasses that we're just looking for someone to say, no, you're looking at it the right way. Come be on our team. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Who knows? Who knows? Or maybe we are but a speck of dust.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I hope not, but we won't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
So alas, future usses, I hope that you are doing well in this wild season. Hey, we're continuing our interview series. with a guy that many of you have probably seen. Maybe you've never even heard of this guy, but he is a massive internet presence. He's a massive, he speaks all over the world. His name is Tom Bilyeu. And if you ever eat protein bars and you've seen Quest bars, that's this dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
And the harder your life gets. The harder the external circumstances, the more robust you become. Correct. Yeah, which is extraordinary. How many people think they want a thing when they actually want something else? Here's what I mean. I liked the idea of imagining that James Hetfield calls and says, hey, John, we've heard about you and – We want to invite you out on tour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
By the way, I'm not that good. I spent way more time playing in front of the mirror with what I would look like than actually sitting down and learning how to play. Let's say that call came. Here's what that would cost me. I have a 14-year-old who's a freshman, and I have an 8-year-old who's a third grader. It would cost me all of their games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
It would cost me the nighttime wrestling matches with my daughter. And lately I come home and she says, do you want to dance or do you want to fight? And she's this little bitty hurricane. She's amazing. It would cost me walks with my wife. Like it would come at a cost. And so it's been important for me to peel back what's underneath the I want to be the guitarist of Metallica thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
I want people to think I'm capable and I'm good. And the deeper the layers go, I really want my wife to say I'm proud of you. I really want my dad to call out of the blue, my old grizzled cop dad and be like, I haven't said this enough. I'm really proud of you, right? It has nothing to do with playing guitar. And so for me, getting to what are you really chasing here and for what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
That's been an important lesson for me because I thought that it was about being a number one, being a this and this. And the deeper I've gone, it's – I want my wife to be really proud of me. I want my kids to, when they grow up, to say, my dad loved us. He loved us a lot. And in a weird way, the more I've gotten there and anchored in, the freer I've become to go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Now I don't feel bad about leaving for a week because my kids know, right? Or two weeks or whatever we're doing. But have you found that most people think they want a thing, but really they're trying to duct tape and wallpaper over some other challenges? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
He made them up like in his house, like in his garage. And they got bigger and bigger and bigger. And he sold the company for a billion dollars. And then he has gone on to become a massive influencer in his YouTube channel, Impact Theory. And here's the deal. Him and I see the world very differently. He is a tech founder. He's into AI. He is a filmmaker. He is into tons of anime stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
Nobody respects himself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
The True Limiting Factors in Your Life (With Tom Bilyeu)
That's a whole, yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So Marie, already your language is making me get squirmy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
25, okay. You have taken on a ton of responsibility for this workplace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And I know being a nanny is a different level of like you become part of the family, right? I get that in a way. And also you're an employee.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Yes. So I'm going to take a crass approach. Let's take nanny off the table. Let's say you worked at a local gas station. And the two assistant managers, one of them just like quit showing up all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
would you feel the need to do the assistant manager job and to fill that role for the same pay, even though that's not your job, it's not your job description, even though you can't affect anything that's going on between the two assistant managers?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I know. And my guess is this is impacting your home life too, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Oh, yikes. How's that going at home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
No, no, no. I'm going to talk about that. I assume your marriage is great. I'm saying working all day for a family that's falling apart while trying to start your own has to be challenging.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So go a year down the road. What's the long-term, what's your long-term vision for this arrangement? Because the language I hear you using is you are the pseudo father of this household now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
But that means you have to have professional boundaries. And so when mom says, oh my gosh, my husband's abandoning us. I need you to ABCDEFG and give you a whole bunch of new stuff. You have to understand essentially your contract is being renegotiated live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And you get to as an employee say, that's not what I signed up for or I don't have capacity for that new job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
That is some thin ice sister, Veronica.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So for whatever it's worth to you, Marie, um, Your supervisor, your boss, your leader, whatever you want to call her, changed your business arrangement. And I know it gets messy because there's kids involved and you love those kids and you pick them up and you take them to eat and you laugh and you play and you fold their underwear. I get all that. And you're not a doormat either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And if she thinks so little of you that you saying out loud, hey, you changed our business arrangement, I want to talk about it, and I've got a new marriage, that she looks at you and says, I'll just replace you, then you've learned all you need to know about your place of employment. And for whatever it's worth, I hate that she's treating you like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Um, so tell me what's going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
That is some thin ice, Sister Veronica.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
but people put in tough spot can still treat the people around them with dignity and respect and kindness. Even if it's taking you out to coffee saying, Hey, obviously my life just blew up. Um, I'm going to need some extra help. I want to offer you to fill that gap. I'm going to pay you this much more. I'm going to do X, Y, and Z. I'm going to need that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
That's how people of integrity handle things. That's the owner of the gas station calling you and saying, you're a great employee. The assistant manager's a flake and I need some extra help. Here's what I can do. Are you interested? Not looking at you saying, if you don't do all this extra work for the same money and absorb everything from a missing father, then you're somehow disloyal to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I'm going to replace you. That's lame. That's just lame, dude. It's dishonoring. Are those the kids in the background?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
No, don't be sorry. I'm glad I can hear that. It provides a reality for the world you're in. You can't even make a phone call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So for whatever it's worth, Maria is not okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Completely and totally. The fact that there wasn't a sit down with you like, oh my gosh, I can't do this. I'm so grateful for you. I understand my world just blew up. I don't want it to blow up yours too. Here's my new reality. That's just how you treat somebody in the middle of a mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So you're a nanny slash therapist slash housekeeper now slash husband. That's too much, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Yeah. So I guess what I would tell you is you're free to go. You're free to go. You're free to be really sad. You're free to be heartbroken that you gave everything to this family for two and a half years and they treated you so disposably. You're free to go find another family that's going to honor you. I hear, I don't have a nanny. I've got some colleagues that do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And I hear how much they honor their nannies and how they talk about them and how they take care of them. And this just isn't that. This kind of just oogs me out, actually. Because you can't replace their husband. Let's just be honest. You can't. You can't replace her lost husband. You can't replace these kids' dad. You can't. And to even assume you can is just dishonoring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I'm so sorry you're going through this, sister. But if my word means anything, you're free to go. And I'd recommend you... Take that skill set and that loyalty and that honor and take it to a family that is going to honor and respect you back. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish it wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's just where so much of our lives exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet, somehow it's become normal to give away our email addresses and our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I recently looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Dude, they've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, by removing all this stuff, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I want you to have this kind of peace too. We can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
All right, let's go out north of Oklahoma to Alberta, Canada, and talk to Theo. What's up, Theo? Hey, Dr. John. How's it going today? Doing great, brother. What's up with you? Oh, just living the dream. Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for sure not. Oh, it's the nightmare.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Oh, man. Okay, so what's going on, dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I mean, I can hear it all over you. The answer is yes. What do you want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Yeah. So, um, I'm assuming you're calling. I've spent a lot of my career. I've studied the mental health of attorneys. I spent a lot of years with pre-service attorneys and with lawyers. And my gut tells me you're not through with the profession. My gut tells me that you are a couple years into the realities of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Which means you're going to have to begin taking care of yourself and your external relationships outside of the practice of law more seriously so that you can repel in and do this challenging work that is family law. And my guess is if you have known you want to be a lawyer since you were young, you've probably done pretty good in school. You've probably been pretty likable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
You've probably been able to kind of navigate your own path. And most young attorneys, when they hit the wall that is daily practice and the way – my friend – it's secondary traumatic stress. The way stress and trauma accumulates on you, they're unprepared psychologically for –
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
having to go do some other things so they can get their job done because they've always just been able to knock their job out of the park. So tell me about your outside of the practice life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So where's your crisis coming from? What's making you question if I want to do this anymore?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So let me ask you, what's your ultimate goal for like a big conversation? You want to leave him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Yeah. Parents weaponizing their kids? Watching kids sob? I'm just running through some things. Oh, sure. Is it... Watching parents weaponize their children? Is it having to depose a six-year-old? I mean, what is it about this job that is wearing you out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And I, so I think, I think, you know, That you're out when making the shift from I'm going to change the system to I'm going to be a light inside the system. And nurses, physicians, insurance salesmen, attorneys, pastors, the ones that survive, that make it, have two things. One, a robust life outside of the practice. Sounds like you've got that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I would challenge you on how much you're actually doing things that are fun. You've got a lot of business stuff. It just sounds like work and work and work and work. And I want you to challenge yourself and ask yourself, is the only fun you have with just your wife? Because one person can't carry that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
But if you've got a group of guys, you'll hang out, you'll go do fun stuff, you're in a band, you play music, you're active in your local community, maybe taking some time off some boards is an important thing. Because going from work to work to work and then having to do more work and then do more work, maybe it's just like, did I even take a break? I had to do that. I had to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Quit being on all the boards and quit signing up for all these volunteer opportunities just because my main thing I had to show up in. The second thing that people in those positions do, allows them to keep going is they make peace with the old starfish analogy. Do you know that story?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
It's the old guy was walking along the beach and a thousand starfish had been washed up on shore and he just started picking one up and throwing it out. And then he'd walk a little further and pick another one and throw it back out. And another fisherman walked by him and said, you're wasting your time. It doesn't matter. And he said to that one, it did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And if you can make that switch, pastors can make that switch, nurses and doctors. I can't change the whole system, but I can make sure I treat this one person with dignity and respect. And I can't make people who are miserable in mass be happy, but I can learn how to tell this person really bad news in an honorable way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And so you have drawn out of me, I've never said this publicly, but the reason I say I'll sit with you is because I've learned over the last 20 years I can't fix much anything. I can't fix the system. I can't fix the way people treat their spouses. I can't fix pornography on everybody's phone. I can't fix every teenager in the world with Snapchat because their parents don't care about them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I can't fix any of that. I'll sit with you. And I'll light your cigarette with you. And for whatever reason, when I made that switch, I realized, oh, I can do this forever. And so if you at 26, you're just having that existential crisis, everybody in the helping profession has. If you choose, all right, that's going to be my story is that I sit with hurting people. It's what I do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Yeah. Tell me about your sister.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I'm going to learn how to do that really well. If that's what you want to do, then awesome. If you also decide, dude, I just want to run businesses. I don't want to live in the messy goo of everybody's life. I want to start businesses. I want to do transactions. I want to do contracts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Then begin making that shift and maybe accelerate some of your side businesses and some business opportunities you have and begin to make that move over the next year or two. But yeah, you're trying to carry it all plus the system, plus the existential dread that your neighbors, I mean, that's just too much. Nobody can carry all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Not to mention reading the news every day, scrolling social media. I mean, there was probably a decade plus that I didn't, I refused to watch any news at all, zero, none. I didn't have social media until I got this job that I'm in right now. And even now, it's just a tool. I don't use it very often. Cause I can't handle it. I can't carry all that and be able to show up for hurting people. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I've never heard of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Are they going to keep paying you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
All right, so do a thought experiment with me. You get off this call, and you ask to see the principal. What do you call your boss? The chief partner. I know every firm's got different names. Yeah, we'll just call them the partners, yeah. That you walk in and you say, hey, I'm really grateful you've been working through this with me. I'm going to go ahead and submit my resignation. Mm-hmm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
There it is. That was the exhales looking for. Does that give you peace?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
There's not something wrong with you if you don't like watching people who abuse their kids get to keep them while somebody who's a loving parent doesn't. And it doesn't make you broken that a judge doesn't even read your brief about what's going on inside of a house and makes a ruling. Because they're either too lazy or they're too overworked to even read it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Did you have a rough family go growing up or is your family pretty amazing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
There you go. So maybe working through some of that. Like I said, I would tell you, whatever decision you make, neither of these decisions will be easy. They'll both be hard. So you're just going to be choosing your heart. Choosing to put a period at the end of a lifelong dream that once you finally got it, you realize this isn't for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And by the way, my friend Lane Norton is a professional weightlifter. I can't hold up the weight he can hold up. That doesn't mean I'm less than or somehow weak. I mean, I am weaker than him physically, but I'm not somehow less of a person. I just can't carry that. And I remember my wife early on when I was dealing with a car wreck. I saw a car wreck. I pulled the car over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
She hopped in the driver's seat. I ran out in the middle of the road. She drove home. I got a ride home. And she's like, I don't know how you carry that. And I was like, I don't either. I just kind of can't. And so just because you can't carry that level of weight and angst and hate and evil, that doesn't mean something's wrong with you. That means it's just not for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And for you who's dreamed of this moment for your whole life, that's going to be the death of a dream. You're going to have to grieve it. It's going to be sad. And you're going to feel lost. And you probably like telling people I'm an attorney, right? That feels good. Yeah, it's a great feeling. Yes. Different than telling people I'm a farmer. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And if you grew up in a farming family, you were the one that made it, right? Yeah. Yeah. And if you thought your mom thought you made mistakes in high school, I can't wait till she gets a hold of this one, right? All that stuff is going to be there and real. And maybe when counseling, you find out you've been living somebody else's dream all this time. Maybe. Or maybe you take a break, but...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I guess the piece I can give you at the end of the day is what you're doing is hard and you're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you, but your clients do need a whole and well you to show up and fight for. The second thing is if you take a break from the practice of law, your license doesn't go away. Your skills don't go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And maybe you take six months or a year or two years and you resign and you let the practice move on. And then you reemerge somewhere else, doing a different kind of law or a different kind of business. And maybe one day you come back to family law when you got some wisdom, you got a little more strength, you get a little more calluses on your heart and soul. And you say, now I can go back in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So I wouldn't sign off on the death of this dream. It may be not right now, right? Yeah. Well, how will I know if I'm ready to go back then? I think anybody who tells you here's the three points that you'll know you're ready to go back is lying to you. Right. The best way I can tell you is when you decide I'm going to go back, your heart rate doesn't go up. I've been doing this forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And when somebody says, hey, you blew it or you're the worst or somebody you associate with is evil and I can't believe, it still hurts my feelings, dude. It still does. but it doesn't set my body off. Do you get the difference? Right. It makes me sad. It bums me out. but it doesn't paralyze me anymore. And a lot of that's my trauma counseling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Yes. And that's your entry point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
A lot of that is just doing this over and over again. And then a lot of it is I've worked really hard to be well outside of this profession, outside of the helping others profession. My marriage is strong. My kids and my relationship is good. I've got great, great friends. I've got a bunch of wackadoo hobbies. And so all those things keep me whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
My faith is strong so that I can go back in and do this really hard work, which is sit with people in their worst moments. And so I never want to, when somebody calls and says, hey, so-and-so's child just passed, would you be willing to go talk to him? I never want to do that. The thing I want is their kid to still be alive. The thing I want is their husband to not have left.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I would be very careful. Unless you are witnessing violence or you're witnessing abuse, then, of course, I'm going to throw myself right in the middle of it to protect people, right? If there's just a continued, this guy sucks. He's just lame. I don't like him. I want people to be careful. I want you to be careful about talking about how bad he is. Because here's the thing. If she stays...
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
But it doesn't set my body off. It doesn't make me go to fight or flight. I can exhale and head right in. And that's how you'll know. And by the way, I want you to ask a question maybe you've never asked before. What do you want to do? Not so much what can you do, what do you have to do, what do you want to do. These other businesses excite you? Chase them down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
If farming is awesome, be a farmer, dude. You've proven what you need to prove. You got through law school, which is hard enough. Now ask yourself at 26, what do I want to do? What do I want to do? It's a question that very, very few of us get to ask. Thanks for the call, my brother. I wish you the absolute best. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st. Listen, you've heard me say this a thousand times, you're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost. 90% off your first week. Let's be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
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The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
what up what's going on this is john of the dr john deloney show taking your calls on your marriages and your life and your brothers and sisters and kids and mental and emotional health whatever you got going on in your life i don't know very much but i know i can sit down with hurting people and listen and just show up and we can together figure out what's the next right step i've been doing this for over two decades and it's one of my great honors when somebody calls and says hey um
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
No. I don't think so. I don't know. What do you think? I'm just annoyed by this whole thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
But also, do you have to put it on the freaking family shared calendar? Yeah, maybe just... Don't be a box of buttholes. Why do you have to do that? I mean, come on. Put it in your phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Probably, but I mean, there's this like, a girlfriend of mine back in high school had a birthday one day either before or after, I've forgotten now. It would be weird for me to not remember that because it was literally one birthday off and we dated for a long time. It would also be weird for me to put that on the family calendar that I share with my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Correct. That you know. I'm just kidding. Plot twist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So I guess I want to tell both of them, stop. Both of you stop. You stop. You've been with this person for six years. You knew going into this deal... that the person you're with had a whole other life, married, kids, all this stuff. Stop. If it's on the calendar and you feel your heart rate going, quit, stop, either accept this relationship or move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
if she stays with him, then you have driven a wedge between you two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And on the other side, I never, ever, ever advocate for keeping secrets. But if you don't have it down by now and you need to put on the family account, that feels like a move to me for some reason. It just feels like I'm putting it a little B. And I wonder if that might be the root of the insecurity because there's a little bit of bing and ding and, oh, my ex-wife loved this band.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Or this is the song that me and my – if there's some of that nonsense, then this is just like a tip of the iceberg. It's a bigger issue.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Oh my gosh, let it go. And I guess this begs a second question. Do you still reach out to your ex to say happy birthday after your kids are grown and left the house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And you're making her choose between this guy and her sister. Don't put her in that situation. The approach is, hey, I think you're worth more than the life you have right now. And I don't know if you can see it. And you're smart and wise and beautiful. And maybe you're choosing this. But as your little sister, I just want to tell you, I love you. And I see so much more. Like, what do you mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I guess it depends on your relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
As the great Taylor Swift said, shake it off. I don't know. This just feels like there's a deeper conversation that needs to happen. I personally relish the idea of forgetting my ex's birthday. We're going to take it off the calendar always and forever. Yeah, I feel like this is one of the rare problems that there's something else going on. If there's not, both of y'all be adults.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And no, I don't care what anybody says. It will always be weird to see somebody else married to my spouse. That little asterisk, like, happy birthday, Janet. That's always going to be a little bit weird, but also get over it. But I want to ask the deeper question. That wasn't a great answer. I feel like I let down America. America's not listening to this. Love you guys. Stay in school.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And then you can begin to lay out, like, here's what I think you're worth. and then she's going to have to make some grown-up choices on her own. So let me ask you, what's your ultimate goal for like a big conversation? You want her to leave him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Like what would your goal of the conversation be?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Do you think that she doesn't know that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And maybe the bravest thing you can do is not throw a grenade in their living room. Maybe the bravest thing you can do is to put up your own boundaries. For instance, I see this and I'm going to choose to not be around him anymore. And I know that's hard for both of us. But when I think back to the way my husband treats me through these things, that's the kind of man I want to be around
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And I can't be around your husband when he's ignoring you and playing video games. I can't be around him when he's making jokes and swearing. I don't know what he does around you guys. Part of it sounds like a guy who's grown into a man who doesn't have any tools. I hear a lot. I don't know many young husbands who know how to grieve the loss of a pregnancy. Mm-hmm, that makes sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And some go to work like crazy and some play video games and crash and sleep. That's called, in some places, it's called depression.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Some get in fights, right? And some have a roadmap for how to deal with a grieving partner because of something happened in their life growing up or something, right? Or they have some friends who reach out and say, hey, here's what has to happen next. And so some of it might be he's just immature and doesn't have a good roadmap, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And that's why I always want to be careful because if your sister is struggling and she has never said, hey, here's what I need right now, she's got to take some ownership of that too. And maybe she is like being very clear and he's like, yeah, I don't really care about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
The lights have gone out, and I need a little bit of someone to hold a candle up so I can figure out what's the next right move. If that's you, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. Real people going through real challenges all over the planet. It means the world to me if you will take one second, hit the subscribe button or the –
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
That's why, like I say, throwing a grenade in the middle of this, if he's just kind of a bum or just kind of a man child or just kind of like he doesn't know, maybe it's you telling your sister, I feel like I want to talk to him. I mean, I'm just throwing things out there. I just know... Don't do that. I take that back. Don't do that. I guess I want you to go back to what your goals are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
If your goal is to break up the marriage, or your goal is to plant some seeds so that she breaks up this marriage, I would tell you to be very cautious about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
If your goal is to... I want to make sure I'm heard... Knock your lights out, but every time that's somebody's goal, that always comes with consequences. And if you're okay with the consequences, cool. If your goal is for your sister to recognize that she is worth more than the life she's living right now, then that's a totally different conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
That's less about how much your husband is leaving things to be desired, and it's more about... teaching her how to advocate for herself, teaching her how to speak up, teaching her that she doesn't have to work so much, helping her with budgets, like things like that, that have some real world, what's the right word? Confidence building tools, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
I think so. And maybe you sit down and say, hey, I can't get that conversation we had in a year ago. I can't get it out of my mind. And I feel like our whole life, you as big sister had that maternal energy. You took care of us. And I just need to flip it around. And I'm feeling the need to take care of you because I'm watching my big sister kind of wither away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And you were a hilarious, fun, powerful, strong, whatever adjectives describe her. But I'm just kind of watching the life drain out of you. And I want you to know I see you and I see you kind of just slowly. And I think your husband's a goof. I think he's a nerd. I think whatever word you want to use. I don't care. You're talking to your sister. You can kind of say what you want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
But how can I love you in this season? And I think that's just a place to start. And for everybody listening, just know there's a before and after. You sit down and say, I think your husband or wife is the worst. I think you should leave them. I think they shouldn't have done what they did. I think you deserve this and this and they can't provide that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Just know there's a before and after because if say, if they stay, they will always know what you said about their spouse. If they choose to heal things inside their home, you're not there every day. Like you mentioned, like Veronica just mentioned, you're not there every day. So you're on the outside of that coming together and you'll always be on the outside of that coming together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
So unless there is a I need to blow this thing up right now because somebody's getting hurt. Somebody's there's infidelity and we know about it and we're just calling it. Just be careful before you throw that grenade because that blast radius usually gets everybody. Thank you for the call, Veronica.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Just ask yourself, what is my goal of this conversation to blow up a marriage or to help my sister have a better life? And sometimes the answer to those two things are radically different. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
clicks and just tell the internets that you like the show and whatever way you know how to do that um i don't know how that works but if you would do that for the show i really appreciate it puts it up in the algorithms and it puts the show in front of more and more people thank you for blessing your neighbors all right let's go out to morgantown west virginia and talk to miss veronica mars what's up veronica hello dr john how are you i'm good what's up
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
And throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, and y'all will follow along with two kids learning how to live out gratitude every single day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free, so you're covered all through Lent and beyond.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Go check out Halo at halo.com slash Deloney for three free months. That's Halo, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney. All right, listen, good folks. There's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health. There's just health. It all works together and everything's connected.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
It's almost impossible to be whole in one area and struggling mightily in another. If you're ready to make positive physical changes that can help restore some balance to your whole self, check out TrainWell. TrainRule offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. I love the workouts. My wife loves them. And we both love how they adapt to our travel schedules.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Trainwell takes away our excuses and makes working out easy, and they can do it for you, too. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. They still have a special offer just for my audience. $69 a month when you lock in your plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training at trainwell.net slash deloney. That's T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash Deloney. Go check them out. Let's go out to New Hampshire and talk to dear Marie. What's up, Marie?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Convince My Sister to Leave Her Husband?
Excellent. Excellent. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, you were like, hold my beer, mom. I can make this weird for us all. I'm going to marry her. Here's the deal. Your mom doesn't want the world she's living in either. And yet here she is. Your brothers and sisters don't want that world because they all had visions of bringing their grandkids around the fire at Thanksgiving. And now that's over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And there's nothing worse than finding out your dad was dishonest or he's a gaslighter or he's just a person that lacks integrity. And you start to look throughout your life and you see remnants of that. You see images and shadows of that throughout your entire childhood. And it makes you doubt everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Wow. Yep. You said that. Do you ever watch the show Dexter? A couple times, yeah. Yeah, I think you're that guy. You just said that so chill. How do we choose joy over resentment after our parents blew our lives to smithereens?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Let me ask you this. You confronted him with that. Did that feel good when you said that? Not really. Okay. I want that to be lesson A, B, and C. The imaginary conversations you have in your head with him, they're only seeking to make you crazy. And if you actually have those big reveal conversations, those big yeah moments in real life, you'll see a sad old man. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And you'll realize, oh, dude, I just got down in the mud and threw mud at him, and now I'm completely covered in mud and crap myself. Yeah. And so the best I can tell you is to – y'all both write a letter to each one of your parents and don't ever, ever send it, maybe read it to each other. But really what we're doing is we're having a miniature funeral to what we wanted things to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
We're going to have a ceremony that we can point to the ground. This is the day I officially called it. My dad's lost his influence on my life. He cashed out. And then you brother James have to go be intentional about, um, You've got to go be intentional about finding other men in your life that you can trust. And Lily, you opted into this marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so you're going to have to opt into knowing you're going to tense up every time you go over to the house for a season. My hope is, is that James, your mom continues to be super mature and grown up and compassionate and your brothers and sisters come around. And also it's going to be awkward for a while. And both of those things are true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And vice versa, James, when you go over and you shake her dad's hand and he looks at you and he's like, your dad's the one that almost blew my life. Like there's just going to be some inherent awkwardness and some discomfort. And so I think the joy is doing the next right thing. And I think the resentment is, dude, I'm not even going to, This is going to sound kind of arrogant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm not going to give my dad the – I don't want you to give your dad even the dignity of allowing you to feel resentful. You get no votes. I'm just going to be pissed off that you blew it up, and then I'm going to go do the next right thing. And the next right thing in this situation is creating those moments on your own.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I want you all to create what you want Thanksgiving to look like, and then you'll make it happen. And if you invite your brothers and sisters and your mom to your Thanksgiving and only two of them show up, that they're still going through struggles, that's fine. That's not on you guys. And we're going to be sad. And then we're going to go have a good time at Thanksgiving the best we can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Then we're going to go to the next one. We're going to go to the next one. But what we're not going to do is we're not going to sit around and be victims in this deal. And we're not going to sit around and be constantly re-victimized by a dad who blew up, co-blew up two families and continues to nuke his own family because he won't own up to his lack of integrity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And I'll tell you guys, I hate this for your new marriage. It's going to be really important that y'all are highly intentional with each other, James and Lily, that y'all don't keep secrets from each other and y'all continue to go back to your marriage over and over and over again and be vigilant about who you allow to speak into it. Vigilant about the voices you allow in your own marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Because y'all are building something completely new. Completely new. And my hope, James, is your old man comes around Because he's lost everything and I don't think he realizes that he's losing everything now. All of it. In the process, you two hang on to your dignity and your character and your respect. And go make an amazing marriage. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I want to introduce you to my friends at Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. If you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread and your body is redlining from all of the new exercise, new eating habits, and all of the back-to-school activities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, that's me. My wife has, it gets real quiet and I laugh. And so it's made for not super fun over the years. Okay, it's not about me. Yeah, man. So I got so many questions. You just talk and I'll, I'll interrupt you. Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Now listen, I'm all about go, go, go, but we have to remember rest and sleep is vital for our overall health. And though I like to go hard when I rest, I like to do that right now. too. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Right now is a great time to experience their bedding and pajamas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
They're soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family comfortable and cool all night long, perfect for the sleep we need to be re-energized. Invest in yourself by investing in cozy, comfortable sleep with Cozy Earth. And right now, Cozy Earth has an exclusive sale for all of you watching or listening to this show. 40% off all products to help you stay cozy this winter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Okay, good folks, Lent is just around the corner. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. It's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in your way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds bonkers and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at hallow.com.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
This means your trial will last all the way through Lent. And when you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations, music, and so forth. So download the app and sign up at hallow.com slash deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge begins. That's hallow.com slash deloney for three months of hallow absolutely free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
All right, let's go to Manitoba, Canada and talk to Planet Janet. Hey, Janet, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm fantastic. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Tell me how that conversation went.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, I would get out of her head. There may be, there is something there. You know what I mean? Are you trying to solve it on this end? I wouldn't spend the energy on that one. Um, I guess I appreciate her, um, because it gives you some pretty clear direction what to do. So tell me about your confusion about next steps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
There's no going back. Yeah, so her saying that is a little bit disingenuous. I want to tell you this thing that's going to change everything, but I don't want it to change anything. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, but she ended the friendship because she proposed the friendship become romantic. If you had said, oh my gosh, I'm into this too, was she offering to start an affair or was she just putting stuff dated out on the table?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, and you heard the old saying about assuming, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So what do you want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So let's make this a little bit easier, okay? This is a really close guy colleague that you work with. And y'all do some, you've been through some tough projects together. Y'all made it through layoffs together. You spend eight hours or 10 hours a day with this dude. Y'all laugh together. You tell jokes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
He knows about your kids and your husband and vice versa, you know, about his wife and his kids. And then he shoots you that text. What's your next move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. You'll have different levels of intimacy because you're both women. You'll both been through things together and you've been with your friend through a really hard season. But the same result is the same. If you cheat on your husband, you blow your marriage up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Both parents were. Yeah. Even more. Wow. I don't get surprised very often, but this is a new one. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on mental and emotional health. It's a new year, so habits, marriages, kids, everything. Whatever you got going on in your life, I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If you have a friend that you were vulnerable and super intimate with, and then they say, hey, I've now crossed a line in my own spirit where this is romantic for me, then in many ways, I think it's cruel for you to continue the relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, again, I want to stay out of her head because I don't know what she's feeling, what she's experiencing. I'm going to take her at her word. She has fallen in love with you. And that might be so far from your planet that that doesn't make sense cognitively or logically or whatever. That's okay. She's just saying, this is true for me. I love you. I am romantically interested in you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But for you, there's the attraction part that you don't have. Fine. But I think it's deeper as you immediately rattle off if this happened to be a male coworker who is also a close friend. This is inappropriate. I'm uncomfortable. I got a family. This just ended our back and forth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Again, she would be responsible for it. She's responsible for it. Um, my next question was going to be what'd your husband say? And I was afraid you were going to say, I haven't told him yet. And so the fact that you did, that's awesome. What did he say after y'all, after y'all met?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So male or female, like gay, straight, I always am faced with two things here. One, and this might sound strange to a casual listener, I'm compassionate for somebody that has the courage to say, here's what's actually going on in my soul. That doesn't mean I have to think it's right. I don't have to like it, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It can mean a lot of changes in our lives, but I have compassion for somebody who just says, I got to say this. And then you can't be responsive. You can't walk around holding, oh my gosh, I ruined this stuff. Like, no, not really. I did this. No, not really. All you did was respond to the data that's in front of you, which is like, I don't have the same feelings for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And it's cruel if I continue to March around and we do friend stuff and we talk all the time. We text all the time. We tell each other intimate things about our lives. We sit with each other through hurt and pain and whatever. And I know that you've got deep feelings for me. I know you want to be living a completely different life than the one you're living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
One where you're married to that guy, where you got those kids in that house. And by the way, who knows if that's even true, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I don't know if she wants to be living a different life. And maybe you get further clarification. Like, Hey, what were you expecting when you told me that? I don't know what level of friendship you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Oh yeah. The funeral love connection, right? Happens all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah. Is it something that you can just let breathe for a while?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, she doesn't get a vote on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Um, not really, but in this case, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I think it's fair to say, hey, you changed the dynamic of our friendship, and I'm really grateful that you told me what was going on in your heart and your mind. But now I'm uncomfortable with how to move forward, and so I just need some time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And I think you tell your friend, I love you. And I want you best for your house and your marriage. I think your husband needs to know that you're going through some, like your, your partner, the person you pledged your fidelity to needs to know that his wife is struggling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Not that she's struggling with same sex attraction, nothing like that, but she is struggling with, I think I've fallen in love with somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I know, but confrontation came to you. It came to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so somewhere along the way, you got the message that how you feel doesn't matter as much as how other people feel. And in this situation, somebody came and said, Hey, um, I have romantic feelings for you. Do you have them for me? And if you don't, you have to have the courage to say, no, I did not. And I need some space on what to do with our friendship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And maybe you'll go back and have coffee a little while later and you can sit down and ask like, Hey, what were you trying to, what were you trying to, what did you want me to say? Right? Like, what would you want me to say? You know that I love my husband. You know that I love my kids. You know, I love my life and my house. Like what, I don't know what you were hoping for here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And maybe you can dig in. But I guess the meta here is you're allowed to be uncomfortable. And you're allowed to be frustrated that you had a great friend and now that's different. And you're also allowed to be compassionate towards your friend who's clearly going through some stuff. And you're allowed to... Be confused on what to do next and just need time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're allowed to not be pressured by somebody who just said, hey, I have feelings for you. I think I love you. What about you? What about you? What about you? Like, hey, slow your roll. I don't feel the same way. And you've changed our friendship, and so I need some time. All those things are, you're allowed. Take your time. Thanks for the call, Janet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
When you feel like you want to get in a heap, don't. This is a good moment in your life to practice standing up on your own two feet. Saying, here's what I feel. Here's what I need right now. And if she's really a close friend, she'll say, I get it. I know you need some space. I know I just changed the dynamic of our friendship. I'll give you some space. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. I've got some stats that will shock you. Look, we all know that we live on the internets these days. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of the things that we have on the internets now. It's where we exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Chances are high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. I looked at the reports my friends at DeleteMe have sent me. They have reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my stuff, and they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of piece too. We can't really avoid the internet as much as I want to, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month, so go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today to get 20% off. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to the home of Pearl Jam, Seattle, Washington, and talk to Dawn. Hey, Dawn.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I don't know that you can. I don't even know what the situation is, but I know that you can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, before we get to the background, I don't want to complicate it because this feels pretty straightforward. Why do you need to leave your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Just tell me, why do you want to leave your marriage? Why do you need to leave your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Does he know those things?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
He's just looking at you and saying, yeah, am I doing that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. So you're going to leave your marriage. How old is your daughter?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Does she live with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So like four years ago, you're at a funeral. You're like, I know I'm sad, but man, she's really pretty. And she's like, man, I'm going to go support him, but he's kind of hot. And then y'all dated for a year and a half and then got married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Man, I would need a lot more context here. Okay. Just on the outset, the fact that you're not going to make an adult decision because of what your 28-year-old daughter who doesn't live with you may or may not do. Tells me the enmeshment between y'all two and whatever other messiness that's happened over the last 10 years, 15 years, 20 years runs real deep. Because here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If your daughter is only sober at 28 years old because everyone around her is playing the sophisticated game of charades. her sobriety is going to fail in a dramatic fashion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If she's four months sober because she is tired of the unspeakable things, she's just ready to have a different life. If you're around newly sober people who are on the path, you can't shake them off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I, it sounds like there's so much more going on here. When you say unspeakable things over the last 10 years, what are you talking about? Since she was 18 years old till now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So that, that responsibility to a 28 year old will come through direct, honest conversation, compassion and presence, not through dishonesty and lying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I don't think you're super certain about this divorce. Like you're so frustrated and annoyed at the end of your rope, but you're looking for some external things to keep this thing hanging on because you're about to pull the ripcord on something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay, so y'all were not married yet. We were not. We were not. Okay, all right. So y'all are dating. It's pretty serious. And then your dad, is your dad married at the time? Both parents were, yeah. Oh, even more. Wow. Okay. Yeah. So then your dad's volunteering at this church. He's married to your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And my challenge to you would be don't put that on your daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
What do you hope is different? What would intensive marriage counseling get you and your husband?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
That is a choice you're making.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's not about letting everything go. It's about metabolizing it. Like it's in your system, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And you think if he comes and says, I'm so sorry, you're right, I screwed this up, that somehow your feelings will suddenly dissipate, that suddenly your body will be able to digest it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
That's not how that works. Okay. You have to decide, I'm not hanging on to this anymore. I'm going to do the work that I need to do. Because by the way, y'all are going to go get divorced. You're going to split up your assets. After 30 years, you're going to divide this stuff up. You're going to figure out how to get, how to eat all this kind of stuff. Hopefully you have a job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're going to have to apartment, like everything in your life's going to change. I'm not saying that's the wrong thing. I'm just saying every single component of your life's going to change. Right. You're going to come home to an empty apartment and the things he did and said are still going to be in the middle of your chest. whatever those things happen to be. He said he's not abusive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So I don't know what those things are, but they're there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so at some point you're going to have to do the work anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Have you sat with a counselor and said, here's the problems in my life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And what has your counselor said? Leave this man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. So here's what I'm hearing. Your daughter's been through absolute abject hell. You've got a lump on a log as a husband. And my guess is that there's 50 other things going on in your life too. Is it just a short phone call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
What I want you to do for maybe the first time in your life is to get out a piece of computer paper off a printer somewhere, just a blank sheet of paper. Okay. And I want you to take a pen and not in a blaming way. Please, God, hear me say it's not about blame.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's about ownership. What can I control here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
lily your mom rolls into town and gets a job at this church i made it sound like your mom's like the bad guy here she's not but i mean everybody's a bad guy here but your mom's working at the church she's she married to your dad yeah yeah even now they're still married even more awesome and so then what happens
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And the beautiful thing is it is both humbling and limiting and terrifying because you will realize I cannot control what my husband does, period. I cannot control whether my daughter stays sober or not. I don't have that kind of power. She's a 28-year-old about to be a new mother with extraordinary trauma in her past.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
in your other kids, in your financial situation, and whatever else has happened in the past, what can I actually take ownership of right now? If my husband's a lump on a log and he's not going to change, I have a choice to make. This is my life. I'm going to make him a cup of coffee. I'm going to go about my days. He said some stuff 20 years ago, 10 years ago. I'm done carrying that around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I like him. He's annoying. I wish he'd lose some weight and I wish he would get a different job, but it is what it is what it is. Or leave. But every day there's been a pot on the stove of old stew and you keep heating it back up and then you just are like, ugh. You don't ever either eat it or just throw the stew out. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So what I want you to do is to stop being a person who's receiving all of these external things. I can't do it because of this, and he won't do that, and she might do this, and then there's this thing over here, and then I don't like the dad of the new baby. What can you take ownership of in your life? What can you control? Write that on a piece of paper.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And then begin to take action steps towards those very, very few things. Your thoughts and your actions, by the way, are all you got of what you can control, what you can impact next. That's it. That's it. And it's so frustrating at how little it is, but it's also so freeing. This is all I can go do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And before you file for divorce, have a friend sit down with you and go through finances, where you're going to live, family stuff, inheritances, vacations, holidays, and see if the juice is worth the squeeze. You've been married 30 years. And he may have gone to counseling and been like, it was a waste of my time. Because we get home, she's just going to X, Y, the same, same, same, same, same.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If you went and saw a therapist, the therapist is like, hey, why don't you just treat each other nicer? And you're like, no, that's not it. Maybe. I don't know. What can you control? What can you act on next? But if you want to leave your husband, don't put that on your daughter. And if you want to leave your husband, get some wisdom and guidance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But I'd recommend before you go do that, taking a few other steps to see if this is really what I want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And if maybe by changing my thoughts and my actions and my day-to-day interactions with people and my day-to-day behaviors, if suddenly the light doesn't begin to come on in this home and in my own chest and in my own room and in my own life without the light coming from the blast of blowing everything up. Just a thought. Thanks for the call, Dawn. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
This show is sponsored by better help. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for patterns or relationship behaviors that are unsafe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But to me, all those labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting deep relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me in a relationship and how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags. Listen, ask yourself, how can I learn to know what I value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
therapy can help you figure out your values, learn what you're looking for in your relationships, and then decide your boundaries and non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? What you got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You have the right to feel however you want to feel. And yes, you can be frustrated. The question is, are you going to leave him? Probably not. Is this the 10th time you've given him a list and he hasn't bought on that list and that's the only problem in your marriage? Then yes, move on with your life. Just go buy the things you want to buy and move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If there's something deeper here, have that conversation. I don't know. A couple of years ago, there was like a glitch in the matrix and... Anyway, I ended up on Christmas morning. I had nothing to open. Zero things. My family was all... It was just a thing happened to a thing and somebody thought... I had zero. And I was shockingly sad. And I was just like, this is bumming me out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm a grown man. It was in my house that I paid for. So it wasn't a matter of need or... And I... Oh, my wife had got me some stuff. It just hadn't arrived yet. There was a storm and whatever. Anyway, it was just like, this sucks. It was. And it made me do some deep diving into... In your mid-40s, if you're still waiting for your mommy and your daddy to get you that right gift, stop.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're a grown man. And yeah, it's a bummer to be on Christmas morning and not get a present. And... Like, when my wife saw my face, like, she ordered stuff so early now because she knows, like, I don't ever want that to happen. Even though there's a perfectly good reason why the stuff she ordered didn't make it. Like, I don't want that to happen because that sucks, right? So, I don't know, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It's both and. But it's okay to be bummed out you didn't get anything for Christmas except for the candy that was the wrong candy. And also, I don't know. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, when he closes his eyes, the only time he ever sees Kelly smiles when she's cooking something. So he was like, sweet. Whatever. That when you're a little bit high. But other than that, like, it's like then. Seriously. And he doesn't buy drugs because he works at the police department. So like, I'm going to get her some. I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah, I think the conversation here is not about the gifts. It's about... You're one of the rare men in the world that their wife gave you a roadmap to their heart. And you were like, nah, I'll take my own roads. Skittles, right? And or whatever crappy kid he got. And I think that's the conversation because I almost would guarantee that happens across the board.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
This is both hands. This is like, they came to y'all and they didn't say, did they say, Oh my gosh, we've like fallen for each other. We had a hookup or they came to y'all and we're like, no, we're together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Can you help with this? Sure. And you just shove the socks in the drawer and she's like, hey, it would really help me if you put it like this. Hey, can you help the kids get ready? They're fine. Like, if that conversation had that conversation, if this guy's perfect and he just sucks at gift giving, let it be. And let me say this, after that year happened to me,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I have become incredibly empathetic to other people and gift giving. And I realized that I was just an Amazoner. Click on a few things and have them shipped to the house. The last couple of years, I've tried really hard to pay attention. And it's made Christmas so much more fun watching my wife and my kids light up because they're like, oh, you heard me. It's become so fun that way, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so, I don't know. I'm glad it happened to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And the gift you got me this year, just the coffee table book of all the Metallica songs, that made me feel seen and heard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And also with you. And Ben, you rolled up with a lot of weed. I'm not a smoker, but I appreciate the sentiment. You're illegal. You're welcome. Call the cops. You're welcome. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So they're having like an out in the open affair. Right. Did she keep her job at the church?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. And so then they were like, that's still cool. And then did your mom stick around?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay, so your mom and your dad are getting divorced. Lily, your mom and your dad are sticking it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And then somewhere in all of this, y'all two are like, you know what we can do to make this more awesome? Let's get married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Let's jump right to the phones. We have a couple on to start today's show. Let's go out to Miami, Florida. Let's pick up James first. What's up, brother James? Hey, Dr. John. How you doing, man? How's everything? I'm doing all right, man. Living the dream. Running a scam called a podcast.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
All right, so... Again, I don't get surprised very often, but this is a new one. So congratulations on that. So how can I help you right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Well, this isn't a part of my final answer, but here's just an aside. If a friend texts you a long, serious text message about their thoughts of your character, they are not your friend. Okay? So you immediately opt out of me caring what you have to say. If you don't show up at my front door, you don't call me. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
On the way to work this morning, I sent a text message to an old, old friend that said, call me. And they called and we talked as I drove into work today. It wasn't a long text message. Okay. So that's number one. If they truly were invested and think you're doing something wrong, that's a conversation you have in person together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
So as people begin to lob text message grenades, I really don't care. Right. You're just showing, oh, you're out, right? So your voice doesn't matter. If somebody wants to come over to my house or a close friend calls me because they live in another state or whatever, and they're just like, hey, we got to talk, dude. I'll hear that all day long and take that wisdom. So that's number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Number two, y'all decided to get married in the middle of a hurricane. So by doing that- No, there's no judgment, no right or wrong, but y'all that meant y'all made choices to not participate in other parts of this fantasy picture that young married couples have like the mother son dance or whatever. So some of that is just being both bummed out and knowing, yeah, we chose that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It just is what it is. The third part is, have you sat down? Like, does your mom accept Lily?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
All right. Let's bring on. Is this your wife, Lily? Yes, sir. All right. Let's bring on Lily. Lily, you there?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Okay. Um, how have you felt through all of this, Lily?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But let me push on that because you can't control the train wreck, but you can control whether you stare at it, whether you're an earshot of it, whether you run into the aftermath of it all. You know what I'm saying? Like, James, your dad, Lily, your mom made a choice, and the choice was to blow up their families. And that explosion came with smoke and ash and down structures everywhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Like, that happened. But if y'all go back to those same blown up structures wanting what was there before, which was full family support and mother-son dances and dinners are on the fire, like that's on y'all. Cause y'all going back to a thing that you know doesn't exist anymore. Totally. And so you get to be sad that those things don't exist, especially since your dad and your mom blew them up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
But then y'all also made the decision to get married. And so y'all have to make that grownup decision, which is James, you tell your family, like, She's a part of our life, and she's not her mom, and she's not dad. And so I'm going to ask you all to treat my wife with respect and also your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I'm doing great. All right. So, James, I picked you up first. So dudes first today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
It sounds like they're the kind of person of the character that says, yeah, but we're going to need a minute. And I think there's some both and there. Lily, how is James around your dad or your mom?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
Yeah. But guys, I would not, he has cashed out his vote in my life. If I'm y'all he's cashed out. Not only did he blow up your lives, but he continues to make y'all feel like the crazy ones. That's, that's a great way of putting it for sure. So, like, by virtue of his behavior, like, he's out. You don't get a vote, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And so, I'm not even going to give him, like, basically, I'm not going to wake up every day and there's a cinder block by my bed that just says, dad's idiotic decisions and his refusal to take accountability for his actions. I'm not going to pick that brick up and carry it around all day. Forget that. I'm not carrying that. And I get to be sad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
I get to be sad that he blew everything up and then I've got to live in the aftermath of it all. Yeah, that's really good. And I can feel compassionate for my mom that every time my mom sees my wife, she sees the resemblance of the face of the other woman, right? Yeah. I mean, all that's true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
And I would still think it's right to ask your family members to act like adults and treat Lily with dignity and respect and to treat her as a separate entity than her mom. Totally. And I don't know how, I mean, maybe y'all can navigate this. I think it's worth a conversation at some point that, hey, there will come a day in our life when we have a new kid or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Dad Slept With My Wife’s Mom (It Ruined Everything)
You're going to see this woman again, mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Usually we do them on the 100, like the 100, 200, 300. You forgot? No. We've been sending you the questions to pick from since June, and you haven't. It was supposed to be on the 600th episode, and this is episode 679.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Actually, we've done quite a few because usually we do them on the 100, like the 100, 300, 300. But if we're being real transparent here. You forgot? No. We've been sending you the questions to pick from since June.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
and you haven't yeah so it was supposed to be on the 600th episode but i like i like amas coming in cold and then um just so people know so it was on the 600th episode we planned it and this is episode 679 i i like but you you never said that you just ignore the email listen i like coming in cold i can't stand like overly prepared because they look like like they look
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Seriously. Only because of the show. But I don't... It's just a thing, y'all. I don't even drink, so... Oh, my gosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I think they know. It depends on... If it was a day, like, if my husband and I just were home...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
you know breakfast slow down family show slow down breakfast okay breakfast out like my idea would be we'd be able to go to loveless cafe when it's not a two and a half hour wait you know have a nice breakfast walk around downtown some little tiny um town that we have a ton of these here in that area where you have a little town squares with shops and stuff in them
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
If it's just me and I have a day off, probably a lot of – sadly, I would love to say I have all these grand things, but it's probably a lot of napping in front of the television, falling asleep. But if I have – if I'm up and about and doing things, I get out in the sun, go take a hike, go walk around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
And I also love the idea – I love going to coffee shops by myself, and I love eating meals by myself. No problem doing that whatsoever. Going to a movie by myself, totally fine with all that. I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Because I deal with all of this a lot, so sometimes I need – She won the lottery professionally. A little alone time. Yes, a little don't talk to me time. All right. What's your favorite social distortion song?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
It's such an amazing song. It's so good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
That beginning of Paradise City.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
When it's just slash. I have so many freaking memories tied to just that beginning. I mean, I can think of a million things because I was – so you were probably in middle school because I was – what was it, 89? I was a newborn. No, you weren't. 89, I think. You were graduating college. I was a freshman in high school. Yeah, sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
But I just have – yeah, for some reason, that bit right there especially – A million, just a flood of memories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I don't think anyone will ever confuse us for prepared and slick. I just don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Right, probably having a tip or tantrum about something. Of some sort, but yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Oh, yeah. My Michelle. Mr. Brownstone's one of my favorites, and I know it's horrible. I'm fully aware of what it's about, but I love the song.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Was it Rocket Queen or Bye Michelle?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Well, that's pretty much all music from the 90s.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
That I listened to in my car. I know. I'm like, this is awful. I know. And then I turned it up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. Last question on this one. Favorite Metallica song?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. Question number one. Ask me anything. What is the most common relationship advice people get wrong?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
It is perfect. To me, it's like Inner Sandman and then everything else. Nothing else matters. For some reason, I just love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah, it's something in Hetfield's voice in that one that I love. There's something in his voice that I just love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. Trauma has become a buzzword.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
What is it really and how do you recognize its effects?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. This one says, I want to journal and be vulnerable, but I worry that someone will read it. How do I get past that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. How do you feel about your impact on other people's lives?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I think we all caught that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah. When we first started doing this show, man, that, that took some time. I remember my husband walking in, I was working at home one night, like 11 o'clock going through emails. And I was just,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
crying and he walked in he was like nope this has to change this can't continue and I had to learn how to compartmentalize it and that's why we talk about I think we all talk about as soon as I walk out of here I can't tell you the calls we just did it's really a strange phenomenon yeah and I think we all feel that because I have to shut it off it's like an extra sketch just gets shook and then we're out yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
And then it's like, okay, on to the next one. And I know when I go through emails, sometimes I'm sure it seems heartless because I have to be just so yes, no, yes, no, because we get 200 a day. So it's just, yeah, it's a matter of just turning it off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
And I'll have, when we're in our content strategy meetings and Trevor, our content strategist will be like, so when John was doing this call, what did he say? And Taylor and I are like, we don't even remember the call. And he's like, it was last week. We don't remember yesterday's because we've just turned it off. You have to. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
And that may mean that sometimes I sit at lunch and I don't sit with people and I sit by myself and just put my earbuds in. That's because she's antisocial. Partially. Or like if it's at the end of the day and you've had – I go home and there's like no radio in the car. I do that often.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. If you could play lead guitar for any band, dead or alive, for one show, who would it be and why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Well, I don't play guitar. So first of all, that'd be a miracle. But if I could ever... So I'm going to ask you a question and I'll answer it too. This kind of goes with that. If you could see one band, one artist, dead or alive, ever, you know, one time, just to watch them play, who would it be? Queen. Oh, that's mine. It's Queen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
My second would be Journey with Steve Perry back in like 79, 80. A huge Journey fan. Love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I was five. Yeah, whatever. And six. I'd just like to point that out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Because I have a sister, my brother and sister are quite a bit older than I am. So I grew up listening to, I had a Kiss poster on my wall when I was five. It explains a lot. But because I was listening to their music. And so I've been a Journey fan since, practically since they were.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Oh, they're a marketing... I mean, it's 100% marketing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Well, and I remember they were the first that – my brother was a huge Kiss fan, and he had the Kiss t-shirt. Because I have a picture. He went to school picture day with a Kiss t-shirt. My mom was so mad. But we still have that. He had a Kiss lunchbox. And they just – they were the first ones to do that. Nobody did that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Oh, yeah. They're geniuses when it comes to that kind of stuff. But my favorite and my poster was Peter Criss, the drummer, when he would sing Beth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
It's not great. I mean, you listen to it and you're like, that's not great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I said, does that explain my fascination with Kid Rock and Dave Navarro? Yeah, some of those guys, probably.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
What does healthy masculinity look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Can you give me an example of the can, I can, I get to, all of those?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Love that. So how do you limit kids' access to social media when they're at school or with their friends? Because we've talked a lot about at home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
So I'm going off script here a bit. So I think it's more prominently female than male is my guess that we grow up with the idea somehow of we can change it. And I don't know where that comes from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. Can you pick a couple of your tattoos and tell us the story behind them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right. So last one. If you could pick three headliners for Deloney Chela, what bands are you choosing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I don't know. I can't tell you that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Like you said, like, 92, Pantera.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Hey, it's your show. Be whoever you want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah, I've never seen them live, but I've heard they're amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Let's just say no. It would probably be 1992 Guns N' Roses. Mm-hmm. So, you know, original lineup.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah. Actually, because 92 was the last time I saw them. So, so good. I saw them and Metallica same day at a festival. Ah, it's amazing. Anyway. Teddy Swims. Mm-hmm. And this is a random concert.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah. And then I'm going to make it even worse. George Strait.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Just the amount of, just the catalog alone of George Strait. So it's a very effective concert right there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
One of my best concerts ever was Stapleton at the Ryman just a few years ago.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I had the chance to see him again at the big stadium here. And I was like, I'm good. I've seen him at the Ryman. I'm good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
David Brothers. Turnstile. Run DMC. Run DMC. Beastie Boys. You know who else would come out? You cheated a little.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Back when the brothers were still both in the band.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah, I got to see them in concert.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Counting Crows. I want Counting Crows. Black Crows.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I have none. Literally. Zero.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
body compositions that no but if people will stick around for the the outro i have a fun question kind of around that we'll be right back all right we are back as we wrap up the show kelly you have one more yes somebody sent this in okay if you could 100 design kelly's next tattoo without her having any say what would it be oh no question about it
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I thought I was done with my old English face.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah, well, he pays me. That's true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Well, he still pays me, so, you know. Here we go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I know that. Taylor just goes, what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
She's a lot younger than we are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
She played here a couple, about two months ago, and I know some people that went and said she was amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah, so it sounds almost like – so I'm a Gen X, that it's kind of we were the first generation of – I'm totally making that up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah, because I mean I know there's the idea of you date the guy that's kind of an ass, but you're like – and you know that. Everyone's told you he is, but you're like, oh, I can fix him. I'll be the one who can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Oh, I think so. Cause I think even, well, so I'm thinking back to, cause you know, I'm a huge history buff, especially like 14th, 15th century history. Um, And when women – we didn't have the rights. We couldn't divorce or leave. But I know that there was a way that women would manipulate situations. You deal with the power you have. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
And so I think that that's probably gone through the centuries and the decades as women had more power and more power. Because it was the only way they had to control their environment. Stay safe and not dead, right? Exactly. And I have to figure out some way to get what I want because I don't have a say-so. And then all of a sudden when things were not completely level but more level.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Two days after Christmas, which for most people is probably past mowing season, I would think. For most people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Right, exactly. You could get a bank account without having to get my husband's thoughts on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Anywho. But yeah, so then all of a sudden it was like, well, now I can fix him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
In my context. Yeah, within my guardrails that are okay. Yeah. And I think there's also something, and I may be out... of out in left field here on this one, but this is probably not overly kind to my own sex either, but there's a whole idea that we can change him because we're so amazing. He's going to want to be with us, so he'll change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
I think there's definitely some of that about I'm the one that'll be... I'm the one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
And I'm the one that can change him when no one else could.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Oh yeah. I think that that's, do you agree, Taylor? Is that still a thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yeah. I can be the one because either I'm so amazing, not even that, but just like, I can do what all these other women who talk about what a horrible human he is. I got it. I got it. There's something in me or he'll see something in me and he'll be like, she's the one. I'll change so I can keep her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
All right, question two. When should you delete pictures of your ex-significant other?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
Yes, but I think for people living farther up north than we do, snowblowing is a thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
What about, so this situation came up this weekend. So I have a friend of mine that recently got divorced and we were at her house and I'm at her house all the time. But one of our other friends happened to know, she was like, you still have one of your wedding pictures up. And she was like, well, he's still the father of my son. Yeah. And like she had pictures in her house of them as a family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
She's like, well, because this is still his house and these are his parents. But like I know I have – I was married prior, no kids, but I have a box that's like our wedding album and stuff like that. And I remember one time years and years ago saying something to my husband about, should I get rid of this? He's like, why would you? It's part of who you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
B, just no. And then... And I think, I mean, it'd be weird if I was doing that, but if, like, the idea that, like, he's like, I mean, it's just part of who you are, and it's in a box in the attic, but it's like, throwing it away doesn't make it not exist. And, like, my kids know I was married, and...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist. I think a lot of you probably should too. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Some of you have tracker watches. Some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, We don't want to spend the money. We don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this. Your well-being is worth it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
You are worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe and like the show. Man, please just take 30 seconds and hit the subscribe button or roll off and do a quick five-star review. It makes such a major, major difference for everybody involved.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
It really helps the show. If just a percentage of you would do that, man, it would send the show through the stratosphere, and I'd be so, so grateful. Thank you so much. And don't forget, tonight I'm in Atlanta. Can't wait to be there at the beautiful Fox Theater. And it's going to be incredible. The show's been going awesome. And I'm going to be there with my friend Dave Ramsey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And Phoenix, May 5th. Fort Worth, May 7th. Kansas City, May 9th. Get your tickets at ramsaysolutions.com slash tour. It is wheels off. A blast. A total blast. This show, live, plus a whole bunch of other craziness. So can't wait to see you guys. All right, let's go to Memphis, Tennessee and talk to Bonita. What's up, Bonita?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I'm doing fantastic. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Awesome. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Let's just put it out on the table. That's the best way to do it. How long have you been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. So, um, is this new? Or has he always been sexually avoidant or is this, does this just pop up after you got married or did y'all wait to have sex before you got married? And then all of a sudden, Tell me about the trajectory here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So when you've talked to him, what does he say?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Is he struggling with erections? Is he struggling with erectile dysfunction?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. Hmm. Hmm. So he's affectionate and loving just when it comes to the act? I mean, like, without being... I don't want you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, okay? But I'm trying to get to... I'm trying to paint me a picture in my mind of... He's affectionate. Y'all are hugging. Y'all are touching. You start kissing. And then you think, all right, it's on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And then what happens? Does he just get up and leave? Does he go outside? Does he get on the phone? What does he do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So he gets off and then he just leaves you hanging and then he's off playing his video games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
No, it's not normal. I'm really reluctant. In fact, I will never give somebody the data on what's normal, like how much sex should a couple be having each week. Some people have it every day. Some people have it twice a day. Some people have it twice a month. What's important is that both people talk about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And there is some give and there is some take and there is some, there's all kinds of support and all that kind of stuff. But when it comes down to it, it is what we both need and more importantly, what do we both want? And what's concerning for me is I'm hoping that you've been really direct with him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Like y'all have been out on a date, y'all been having dinner together and you say, hey, we've got to talk about this. What's going on? And I'm trusting that you've had that. Have you been pretty direct with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. So something else is going on, and it would be a fool's errand for me to try to just guess. I can put some things out there. He could have some pretty significant psychological hangups. He may have had abuse as a kid. He may have had – sex was so – he came from a household where sex was so – shameful that just flipping that switch as a married man, it's, it's just, he can't do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Wait a minute. He moved his person he's having the affair with in y'all's house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Um, he may be one of the, um, what I would call the sexless generation that just grew up with, with that light switch completely off and spent their whole life on video games, did not hold hands and didn't try to kiss girls in high school and college. I think it's, which I think is healthy. And all of a sudden, um, Um, there, there's been an, uh, what I would call it. I don't want to overstate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
An impotence epidemic, 18 to 25 year olds who can't get it up, but because they're, they've for lack of better terms, they've blown out the hedonic sensor in their mind. Right. And so I don't know what his background with pornography use with only fans, but like, I don't, I, uh, I don't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And it may be as far as he needs to get his testosterone checked or he's struggling with attraction to you. He's gay. There's a thousand different things that might be the case.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
But what's important is you... Keep going. Go ahead. So I threw a bunch of stuff out there. Tell me what you think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I'm sorry. Can I just stop you for a second? I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
No, no, no. I know. I know. But hold on. That's a big, gnarly deal. And I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
That's not supposed to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
It's not. It's not fine. Don't say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
But here we are. Okay. All right. I don't want to derail us, but I just want to always pause for a second when I hear that and just let somebody know I hear you and I see you and I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So you're talking about him. Did he experience a real rough go at it, too, as a kid?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Here's what's important. Here's what's important. You have a new marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And let's draw some real firm boundaries right now. And boundary number one is... Actually, I'm not going to use the word boundaries. Let's come up with some very firm game plans moving forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
For the rest of your marriage, I've been married, gosh, 23 years now. And I was with her five years before that. And we've had big ups and we've had big downs, okay? That's just part of being married. We're on the roller coaster. But... the thing that we had to develop, my wife and I had to develop out of necessity, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
To make sure we could stay together was when we get a part on an issue that we have a way to come to the table and talk about it and be honest and both of us love each other enough to go get the help we need if we need it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. And so if he looks at you and says, I don't love you enough to stop playing video games. I don't love you enough to go talk to a counselor about the fact that I'm attracted to this, to my wife. I love my wife, but I have no interest in pleasing her in the bedroom. None. He's got to go see somebody if he would rather look at pornography and by himself than be with his wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Or he might find himself completely asexual. That's an increasing trend, not because people aren't innately sexual, but because there's so many distractions and so many other things just handing out free dopamine in our lives, especially in our childhoods that come all the way up to adulthood. That just makes it hard. And it's really, I mean, I'm just speaking from experience.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I can't imagine a more embarrassing thing than being a 25-year-old guy who finds himself not wanting to have sex with his wife, who kind of wants to, but he doesn't want to want to, and having to go talk to somebody. That's an embarrassing thing, but he needs to love you that much. You're worth that, and so is he.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay? The bigger issue here beneath the sex is... This will come up with kids. This will come up with home. This will come up with jobs. This will come up with one of y'all gets a promotion and you're gonna have to move though. And do we move or not move? And all that stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Whenever you have a little girl, you're gonna have like a GPS pin that sets off in the middle of your chest because you remember what it's like getting abused by the person who's supposed to love you most, right? You're gonna find yourself hypervigilant. So everybody responds differently to life
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Wait a minute. He moved his person he's having the affair with into y'all's house? What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A Texan who found himself living in Nashville for the last, golly, dude, almost half decade. How long have we been here? Seven years now? Long time. Taking your calls on your...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And what's important with marriage is two people who are head over, like not head over heels, are firmly committed in a compassionate way to saying, I want to love you the best that I can. Okay, that's what we're shooting for here. And so the bigger issue is not that he's 25 and doesn't want to have sex with his wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
The bigger issue here is you've said, hey, I want you and I need you and I miss you. And he said, yeah, I'm in the middle of a Fortnite game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
That's what can't happen in a marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
You know what I'm saying? So it's a good moment to flip on before this dance gets entrenched. I've been married for a few months, man, flip on every light in that house and say, I'm putting down a boundary. I don't need you to do anything, but I'm going to say what I want and what I need. And I'm going to ask you, will you please go come with me to see a marriage counselor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All right, so this is going to be a really hard thing I'm about to say to you, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Will you please come with me? And by the way, I'm going to give you all, I know being young and married is hard and finances are tough. I'm going to give you three free months with my friends at BetterHelp. You can do it online. You don't even have to get in the car and drive anywhere. Y'all can do it at home with a computer screen and y'all can sit side by side and do couples counseling, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
With a licensed therapist. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And it's probably not going to be enough. Both of y'all have come from pretty traumatic backgrounds. At some point, y'all are going to need to talk to somebody, but I know it's expensive, and I know it's hard to find somebody right out of the gate, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
But he needs to be able to articulate, here is why I am not interested in pleasing my wife. Y'all got to put that out on the table. You're owed at least that much, and he needs to be honest with himself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I want you to block them both. I don't want you to know what's going on in his life with his new affair partner. It's going to make you insane. The courts have split y'all up. You have 100% custody. You never saw yourself as a single mom, and here we are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay? And both of you are going to have to deal with that trauma at some point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All right. Can I tell you something? You're not crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
No, you're not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Wanting to be with your husband is not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And wanting your husband to please you back doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to be more important than video games doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to have wheels off, peel the wallpaper off sex as a newlywed doesn't make you crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay? You're a good wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And he's clearly struggling with something. So let's do this. Let's clear the table and say we got to talk about something really important and I need your full attention. No phones, no hiding, no video games, just you and me. And if we need to get out of the house, cool. And you got to say, it's going to be hard for me to hear, but I'm ready to hear it. And I won't throw a fit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And if I need to step away, I will. But I'm going to listen carefully. We've got to talk about our physical intimacy in this marriage. And beneath that, we've got to talk about we're married and I'm already second fiddle. And by the way, he's never seen or experienced a functional marriage. He's never even seen it. He doesn't have a picture of what this looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So y'all are going to have to be extra, extra clear with each other about here's how you can love me. Will you do it? Will you be a part of it? Thanks for the call, Benita. Best of luck to you. And hey, if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. I'm not going to be mean. I just want to hear from him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So if he wants to call in, I'd love to hear what's going through his heart and mind and see if I can help you guys get on the same page. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bond Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Go check them out. All right, let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to, here's Johnny. What's up, Johnny? What's up, John?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So thank you for doing this. Thank you, brother. That means the world, man. Sometimes I feel like I'm just yim yamming at a camera here. So I appreciate you, man. That means the world. Thank you. You bet. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay? Every time you get online, every time you hear the rumors, are y'all still working at the same place?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Well, is she making you wear wings and fairy crowns and stuff like that? I don't know. Fairy porn and dragon porn are the new things for modern housewives. So tell me about it. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So can you, how do you know this is happening? When y'all are sleeping together, you can, you can like feel her check out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
He's just a complete and utter scumbag.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Yeah. Of course they're not together. God almighty. I'm so sorry. But listen, I know this is hard. And there's a lot of things we could talk about moving forward. But this is ground zero. You can't look back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
No. And, and man, um, this has come up more and more and more, um, as so the old trope is men watch pornography and women read it. Okay. Right. And, um, And I guess even a further trope is men are visual. They want to see it. And women want to participate in it. It's a creation of a world. And when you're reading, you're creating the mood, the sounds, the smells, the pictures.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I mean, so you're immersed in it, right? And so I have not been able to find any data. I'm confident that it exists somewhere. I can't for the life of me believe that, that romance novels do the same things to your dopamine that hardcore pornography consumption does. Okay? That's number one. But none of that matters here. Okay? I want you to read a book called Dopamine Nation by Anna Lemke.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
L-E-M-B-K-E. It's a modern masterpiece. Everyone should read it. But in that book, she is a Stanford Medical School professor who is a psychiatrist who focuses on addiction. And she details in brave detail her stone cold addiction to romance novel escapism and the increasing, the escalation of it. Interesting. Okay. Okay. But here's what is the most important thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Do I think romance novels are inherently bad? I think they're garbage, but do it. I mean, no, I'm not going to be a romance police. I read a couple of the, I forgot what they're called. They're the fairy porn books. They're like, I forgot what they're called. What are they called, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
court of something of crowns and petunias and yeah thorns and knives or whatever it is and yeah it's just like it's fairy porn and there's dragon porn I mean there's all that stuff right um The problem here is, and I actually, I'm glad you brought this up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I think talking about fantasies, when you don't go into graphic, like, oh, I'm fantasizing about your sister, then we've got a problem with oversharing, and that's insanity. But talking about with your spouse, like, I'm kind of into this and this picture of this, and that can be a really intimate, fun, like, kind of jealousy, kind of like, tell me more about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Like, that can be a really arousing conversation, right? Yeah. No doubt. But the purpose should be to bring you together. And sometimes those conversations about fantasies become ways people covertly feel like they got permission to escape. And that's what I feel like happened to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And unfortunately, you were with somebody, you married somebody, you bought a house with somebody, you made a human with somebody who's just a terrible guy. He lacks complete and utter character. And if you've listened to the show, you know I don't talk about people who struggle with addiction that way. This is a person who completely and utterly lacks character.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So you're going to have to take the brave, bold step and put that on the table. And doing that in a very non-sexual environment would be my recommendation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
At lunch, right? Not even at dinner because there's sometimes an expectation that right after dinner, we're going to lead to the bedroom. Like I'm talking about at breakfast on a Sunday morning or a Saturday morning. Okay. Yeah. And you take care of the childcare and say, I got to put this on the table. And can I just applaud you, dude?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Because this happens in marriages all across the country and guys don't know what to say or what to do. And so 99% of the time, they just shut up. And their wife goes into a vortex and the guys feel that gap and And then if you're not careful, you find yourself becoming somebody you don't want to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I know, but what's going to happen is somebody at work is going to think your jokes are hilarious, and you're going to text her back. And now we're off to the races. Somebody at your local church is going to gently put her hand on your arm when y'all are doing something and you're going to really like that level of connection. Because you're going to go, oh, you're with me right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Even this something innocuous is this. And now you're off to the races. You get what I'm saying? Like it just takes one little inch and you head off another direction. And otherwise it might feel kind of weird or it wouldn't be weird at all. Just friends. Suddenly it lights up connectivity, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And it doesn't make any sense because your wife may come back and say, hey, we're having sex all the time. And it's like, yeah, but you're not with me. And so I'm no longer comfortable with indulging in these fantasies because you're leaving our bedroom. Yep. And so it's a hard conversation. Women have it all the time with husbands struggling with pornography and all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
But like, and people who've like... Just let me say it this way. Imagining you're having sex with somebody else while you're with your partner is unhealthy. Let me say it that way. Okay. Okay. Crystal clear. It's not... It's... I don't know. It's a form of... That to me is not fantasy. That is a form of emotional infidelity, if you will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And so we're going to, we're going to have to move forward. We're gonna have to look forward. And the first step there is just owning reality. Tell me about reality. Did y'all sell that house? I'm assuming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Yeah. Well, and again, not always, okay? Not always. But it's often indicative of... people who've been married for seven to 10 years and they got a couple of kids and they, you start feeling a little bit exhausted in your own skin. And instead of doubling down and what I would, I say this all the time and it, it, it doesn't always, it doesn't always connect in the way I wish it would.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I need to get better about coming up with new ways to say it, but it's about recreating our marriage. And what that means is we've got to recreate the connectivity and it's going to look different than it did the first seven years we were together. And so what does that look like? What does novelty look like? What does fun look like? What does flirting look like? What does play look like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All those things are going to be renegotiated and they're going to be different now. But you got to put them on the table. And part of that is saying, I'm uncomfortable with this. And that's just hard and scary to do. It is. Or you saying, hey, it's become a major turnoff when we are having sex and I feel you disappear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And I would say you need to check yourself on if sex is increasingly becoming a performance, that's problematic too. Instead of a place where you can wheels off. Does that make sense? Yeah. No, it totally does. It's not a place where we got to go perform. It's a place where we get to just go get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Yeah. It's just her and I. And by the way, how old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
uh four and one all right there's not going to be a ton of shut off sex right now for one or both of you yeah sometimes there's in this season you're in there's survival sex right there's just getting it done sex and that's okay that's okay not every not every encounter has to be the super bowl right yeah of course but there does need to be a and having a one-year-old i mean y'all still coming out of it right
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Yeah, he's like 18 months, but yes, we are definitely still coming out of it. So I think this is an amazing time to just kind of resettle it and reimagine it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Well, and rebuild can sound dramatic, so maybe I wouldn't use rebuild here unless she says I just – I'm not interested in trying to have orgasms without thinking I'm in a castle somewhere with some dragons. I don't know what she's doing, right? Or with Fabio all oiled up with long hair. I don't know what's in her head, but I'm not interested in what you just told me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
The fact that you feel unsafe or the fact that you feel disconnected, I don't care. I'm going to do what I got to do to get off. Y'all have bigger issues. I don't think that's the case here. I don't either. I think the case here is that just a step became a step became a step.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And as a full-time working mom who also has a one-year-old or an 18-month-old, man, just escaping from everything, including this guy I love and just going to another planet for a few minutes, I get how you end up there. So it's not drinking the haterade. It's just saying, hey, I don't like this. I feel like you're disappearing. What can we do together to reimagine our intimacy life, our sex life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And by the way, bro, most of this is going to be outside of the bedroom. It's going to be, how do we, I want you and your wife get a book. Y'all definitely read Anna Lemke's book, but get, I just lost it. Emily Nagatsky's book, Come As You Are. Y'all read that book together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
as you are okay and there will be some awkward times when you're reading it together big time um and mainly because most women have never thought of many of these conversations that she brings up and some of the things she asks people to do but especially men have it but it's a new way to talk about the gas pedals and the brakes and what does romance feel like and what does intimacy feel like how do we create a sex life that one of us doesn't have to escape from
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Cool. That's great. And this is all same team language. This is not me versus you language. And maybe you go first by saying, hey, I'm finding myself more and more and more entering into being intimate with you as a show, as a performance, and I just want to be with you. And that way you're walking in with your blocks. You're not walking in and saying, hey, you're doing this, right? Yep. Yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. And you get to say, hey, I'm uncomfortable with where we're headed and I want to do something different. And just have a little bit of space if she says, I don't want to. And then y'all got to deal with that. That would shock me, but okay. Yeah, I don't think it is. I just always tell everybody, man, just hold a little sliver, right? Yeah, yeah, and I appreciate that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
My guess is, my honest guess is she doesn't super love it either. And often, especially new parents find themselves in these loops. And she wants you she wants to like she loves the release of a good orgasm. She wants you to feel good about yourself. She can you just find yourself in this loop. And sometimes we think we're like helping out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And actually, we're we're increasing the disconnection a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more. But, bro, thank you so, so, so much for the call. This conversation, I'm confident it's going to help a whole bunch of people. And it's because you did something that most modern men won't do is you said, hey, can I get your thought on this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So thank you for going first and being brave on this one, brother. You can help a bunch of people. Thanks, man. We'll be right back. All right, gang, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. We all know that we live our lives on the internets these days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I hate it, and I wish it wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become weirdly normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies or give away our phone numbers or social security numbers to businesses who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete Me sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
It's insane. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
We can't really avoid being on the internets, but we can work to make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all of the Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
There is no boundaries to hold. They don't exist. There's no boundaries. They don't exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Let's go to Kelly, the overlord. And she says, am I the problem? What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
You've been throwing some grenades with these am I the problems lately.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All right, let's do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay? There's no boundaries there. If this was a situation where his mom and dad were really amazing people, And they were doing what they could to be present in the life of their grandkid. And they were team Renee. That's another story. That's not the case here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
No, that was super uncompassionate and not cool. Yeah. Um, yeah, I hate that for you, brother. No, cause, um, man, I, I don't want to blow it. I watched a comedy special this weekend. Um, and it's not for everybody, but at the end of it, um, man, I was, I was sobbing box of Kleenex. It was one of the best performances I've ever seen. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
But the guy goes to his wife and says, I'm so sorry that I've got this problem. And she said, no, no, no, no, no. We have this problem and we're going to solve it. And dude, I just lost it. It was so amazing. But when somebody decides they're going to get sober in a marriage relationship, it is both of y'all working together. And, um, you can't get sober for somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
You can't make them get sober, whatever, but you cannot get hammered and wasted and stop by a liquor store. So yeah, no, you're not the problem brother. In fact, keep on keeping on man. And I keep going to meetings and keep staying strong, but yeah, I hate that for you, man. That's tough. That's tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. If you're married, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And somebody, one of you says, Hey, I want to get healthy. I want to start exercising. I want to start eating healthier. I want to stop drinking, whatever. Just swallow your ego and your pride and say, ride or die, man. Like, is it going to be uncomfortable? Yes. Is it your fault? No, but good God almighty, dude. Like just ride together, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Nothing has made me feel more loved over the years than when my wife is like at the beginning of the month when she goes to the grocery store, she's like. all right, what kind of diet are we this month, dude? Right. Are we, are we keto? Are we like, whatever?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Like, it just makes me feel like she's in this with me, even to the point that, or, and I, or I find like, I find like crackers or bread in her office where she's like, I'm eating crackers, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to put my husband in a position where he's going to eat the whole box and whatever. So man, um, yeah, not the problem, brother. And, uh, stay strong, stay strong. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Does that sound good?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Ask and put Am I the Problem in the headline.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All right, come see us live, and don't forget to hit all the Internet's buttons. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
They're a part of the cancer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Right. And so your obligation, number one, is to you being well and whole. Them in your life does not help you be well and whole in any way. Number two, it is all focused on this little boy and giving him a good life. Because you know as well as I do, it's going to be hard enough as it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Right? And so let's put all of our focus. You owe that other squad nothing. Okay. Okay? If they want to be a part of their grandkids' life, which I really wish they would be, then it's their job to make the appropriate apologies, to be emotionally regulated, to get in the car and drive. It's their job at this point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. And like I say, I mean, if you want to block them all, I'd block them all. They just don't get a vote. They don't get a vote. Okay. I know that sounds harsh, but they're burying you. And the courts have said, move on the, like your psychological wellbeing said, move on. You've got a life there. Do you have family support on your side?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
But they're helping. They're not nutty too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Amazing. Okay, amazing. So can we just do something for a second?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Take as big a deep breath as you can and hold it. And I want you to take your fist and put it right in the middle of your chest. And I want you to exhale real big and make this noise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
on your emotions, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. I just got back from Texas shooting a Chris Williamson show, Modern Wisdom, and he was super kind and super hospitable. I had a great time. It was awesome just being back in Texas. Made me a little bit happy. Made me a little bit happy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I didn't hear it. Do it again. Do it louder. Big, big, big, deep breath. And then go. Okay. When you're off the phone, I want you to do it really loud to where it's almost a yell. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I can hear your chest is so knotted up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. So hear me really carefully. This is not your fault. That little boy won the lottery when he got you as his mama. And nobody wants to go to war with their child's father or their child's mother. And you had to to keep him safe. That makes you a good mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. Would I wish this on anybody? No. But I want you to start reestablishing trust with Renee because you don't trust Renee anymore. Fair? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Yeah, you think you pick crazy men. You think you made bad decisions. You don't think you're a good mom. You think, oh my gosh, my son's going to be raised by a single mom. He deserves better. I wouldn't wish this on this little boy for anything, but you're a good mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So how we're going to focus on raising this kid is we're going to look to the future. I want to make sure you're economically stable. Make sure this kid knows what love is, what it feels like. Make sure this kid knows what boundaries are so that you're not living out of some sense of, I've got to be overly permissive because I don't ever want them to be sad. Little kids are supposed to be sad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Little kids are supposed to not like their parents every once in a while. And that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. And on certain nights when he's asleep and you're collapsing into bed, it's okay to grab the sheets real tight and squeeze them and bang on the mattress because it's not supposed to be like this. It's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All right. But I want you to block everybody. They don't get a vote. And if your husband gets the help he needs and gets clean and goes to a rehab program and then petitions the court and then shows up on your front door on a knee and says, I'm so sorry, we'll have that conversation. Call me back. I think you and I both know that's probably not coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And as your kid gets older, the conversation is, Daddy, you're like, where's my dad? Where's Daddy? He was very, very sick and he had to go away. And we both miss him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
It's just that he was sick. And I may... Man, right off the top, I would probably take those pictures down right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And when he's old enough to begin to ask questions, where's my dad? You can say, here's a picture. But daddy was very, very sick. And we miss him. And there's going to come a time when he's mad, when you're the bad guy. That's just part of the situation that you're in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And also, man, I love coming back to Nashville where water falls from the sky a few times a week. It's pretty great. All right, let's go out to Seattle, home of Alice in Chains, and talk to Renee. Hey, Renee, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And that's where you being well, you being healthy, you being financially stable, you having a good gang around you, family, friends, all that, so that when those storms come, you can weather them. Okay. And what we're looking for is to raise a great 25-year-old man. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
That's what we're looking for. And that means he's going to have to have other men in his life so he has a picture of what good men look like. Does he have a good relationship with your dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
It does, yeah. Because you're wondering what's wrong with you because you got left again, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Will you do something amazing for your brothers and your dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Will you take them out for breakfast one morning on a Saturday?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And let them know? Look your stepdad in the eye and say... Daddies aren't supposed to leave their little girls and my dad did and you stepped in. And dads aren't supposed to leave their little boys and look to your brothers and look to your stepdad and say, and y'all stepped up. Thank you. And I'm going to lean on you guys because I want him to know what a good man looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
So this cycle stops here and I can't do it without you guys. Like it's easy to just kind of assume that, But that kind of conversation from a single mom to her stepdad, that kind of conversation to your brothers will be like a tall glass of water in the desert for them. Okay? And it will give them additional purpose. Is that cool?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. And then you never stop asking for help when you need it, okay? Okay. Let me tell you this, and I'm not telling you this to pour salt in a wound. I'm telling you this to give you another side, okay? When I'm on the road and I'm away from my daughter for three nights, I get to where I can't breathe. I don't sleep well. I don't exhale right. I get grouchy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Of course. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Dads are not supposed to leave their daughters. I'm so sorry that happened to you. But that was because something was going on with your dad, not because of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And when I'm not around my son for a couple of nights, he's 14, he's tall, he smells, he's got hairy legs, and I get to where I don't breathe right and I don't sleep right if I'm not around him. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Dads aren't supposed to leave their sons, and I'm sorry that your ex-husband did that to you. And when I'm not around my wife for a few nights, man, we've had our ups and downs over the last couple of decades, but man, I don't, I just don't sleep right. I don't, I don't move through the world. Right. Husbands aren't supposed to leave their wives. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. But listen, my one promise, sometimes I get things wrong on the show, but I'm always going to tell the truth. You're a good mom. And your little boy won the lottery when he got you to be his mama. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Okay. But you got work to do, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
All right. You call anytime, Renee, and I'm always going to be here to take your call. And anything I can do, let me know. But let's get to blocking folks today. They don't need explanations. They don't need any of that. They don't need Facebook, Instagram, all that stuff. No more taking grenades from a family that just wants to throw grenades. We're done with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
What happened? I'm so sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
We're going to start looking forward with the family we got. We're going to create an amazing world for you and for that little boy. You, my friend, are worth being loved and you're worth the work. So is that little boy. Blessings to you, Renee. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about Organifi. There's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients in what we eat and what we drink.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
I hear all this stuff about food dyes and the colors and the extra nasty chemicals and the pesticides. Listen, I'm not a food scientist, but I know that none of this sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients for me and for my kids. I don't have to worry about anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Organifi products are certified organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, pesticide-free, and herbicide-free. And they make it super easy to get your daily dose of superfoods, especially with their green juice and the red juice. Organifi green juice is a detoxifying mix of 11 superfoods like ashwagandha that help boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
And their red juice is filled with antioxidants, and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without the caffeine jitters, and I know about caffeine jitters. And finally, don't forget Organifi's greatest hits album, the Organifi Starter Kit, with red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Right now, you'll save 20% on the kit at Organifi.com slash Diloni with promo code Diloni. Right now, go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney today and use code Deloney for 20% off everything else on their site. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You get them out of your head and you can begin to challenge them. Yeah. Okay. You know this isn't forever. And this is one other thing I read about this. Don't know if it's true or not. Again, there's a few more annoying things than having some man tell some new mom what she could be doing, right? That's the worst. It's the worst. But here we go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I have heard that maybe a possible potential secret, particularly if dietary things aren't changing anything, is that some kids like noise. And so this sounds counterintuitive, but maybe taking a crying baby out on the subway, taking a quiet baby out into, I mean a yelling baby out into where it's loud, sometimes quiets them up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay, there you go. So maybe that's it. Maybe sitting in the room with the washer and dryer going and the vacuum going and you have headphones on, maybe that's it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I know. I'm not talking about vacuuming. I'm just saying like, uh, yeah, turn it on, but just, just to create some noise. But yeah, I think we're past tools at this point. You and your husband are smart and y'all have got Google. Y'all can figure those things out. The bigger deal is this. You're not crazy and you cannot do all this by yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. And it's okay to be angry and it's okay to be frustrated. I don't want you to assume you said something earlier, like me and my husband have come closer together and we're just trying to hang on to it. Let's be really intentional about hanging on. Let's meet once a week. One out of 10. How are you? I'm a four. I'm a seven. No way. Cool. You just got crying baby duty early on this week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Right. And then we'll work together, but I want you to be really, really intentional about it. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Do you trust me that you're good at this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
No, if you had a calm baby, if you had a calm baby, you would be under an illusion that y'all are amazing. When I had my son... I remember, I don't know if I've told this on the show, my wife was a professor, I was a professor. We had my son, and after about six months, or no, it was about a year, I remember telling my wife over dinner, we're amazing at this. Every other parent is an idiot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Why don't we quit our jobs and go on the road and just teach people how to be parents? And then my daughter came. And then I realized, I don't know anything. I know no things, right? I don't know anything on the planet, right? So the illusion is, the challenge is you're imagining, man, if it was just this, then everything would be better. It wouldn't be. I promise you, it'd be different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Just cannonball in. Just cannonball in. Hey, do me a favor. Take a big, big, deep breath. And exhale it. Yeah. And I know that you psyched yourself up and you were like, you're not going to be the one on the show that has to take a deep breath. And so it's okay. It's all right. It's all right. Yeah, right. That's right. So what's happening?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Now, you're in hell. You're in misery, right? And we want this baby to quit screaming? Yes, no question about it. But fantasizing about what it could be is a waste of energy. It's a waste of time. And it's not true because you don't know. You don't know. But you know you love your husband. You know you love this baby. And you know your baby won't stop screaming. And we know this isn't forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Get those thoughts out of your head. Get yourself connected. Get some other people. Invite them in. Nobody's going to judge you as harshly as you judge yourself. I'm proud of you for reaching out. And I'm grateful for you. We need more moms who care about their kids. And more moms who want to do this right. It's been a blessing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
down the line, I'm going to send you building a non-anxious life as my gift to you and your husband can use it. It has nothing to do with a colicky baby, but I feel like I want to give you something and I can't give you a hug. So thanks for being on the show. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody, listen to this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
My friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe that every single member of my family sleeps on, they are in their final hours of their new year sale right now. Now, listen, I get it. You're trying to hang on to those resolutions and new habits and systems for this new year, but you still aren't getting the good sleep that you desperately need to build a great life on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I've struggled with getting good sleep my entire life and sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. And now that I've created a great sleep routine and I've got my Helix mattress, I'm consistently getting deep refreshing sleep. Now listen, this is important. Everyone has their own unique sleep positions. Everyone's body is different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So Helix has created different mattress models designed for everyone, for side sleepers, stomach sleepers, back sleepers, all of you. And if your spine needs some extra support and comfort, they have mattresses just for you too. Helix offers a hundred night trial and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Here's what I want you to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. I did it too. And you'll find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference in like two minutes or less. Here's the kicker. The Helix New Year sale is in its final hours. Get 20% off site-wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today. Go right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of the year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful. And overall, people are thinking about building a better life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Let's start this year with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard questions, and find peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the show The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
That's hallow.com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow to get your year started absolutely free. Go check them out. All right, we're back. Let's go out to Portland and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Everything's great. I know it's too soon to stop you, but I'm going to. I can tell you already have some deep, deep mom guilt about what you're about to tell me. And so you feel like you have to preface it with all of these great things so you can cosmically balance it out before you hit the other side. Whatever you're about to say, you as a new mom,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So tell me what you're hanging on to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
No, no, no, no, no, no. Here's what it is. Can I tell you what I think it is? I may be wrong. I think that inside that little girl is still trying to figure out what she did wrong. And the fantasy you have is that one day the thing that you did, you'll finally figure it out and you can finally fix it. So your mom will say, welcome home, honey. And your dad will say, there's my girl.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And so the scary hard part is you didn't do anything wrong. You were a kid. And you're right, you're 53 and you're still trying to figure out what did you do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Yeah, but what does that give you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Well, in a strange way, you're becoming him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
In an effort to teach him what he did to you, you're just doing what he did to you. Like the thing perpetuates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Of course. So, so here's, here's, here's my, I'm just going to give you, you and I would have to sit down for a long time and peel back what they did, what they said, where'd you come up with this decision? But let me, here's my guiding rules. Okay. For these kinds of, these kinds of issues. I always want to, my personal bent is always seeking reconciliation. I believe in that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And I've worked with enough people who've experienced evil trauma to know it's not always possible. And so it's both. Right. But I know this. If the person who hurt you still has control over you, that reconciliation won't happen. You just fall back into the same pattern. If you have set the brick down that your dad gave you when you were young,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
and I don't know what it is, abandonment, abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, who knows what it is. But if you set it down, and forgiveness, remember this, forgiveness is not, and I go around and around with colleagues who say like, not everyone is worth forgiving and my clients don't have to forgive everybody. I would say, okay, but forgiveness is for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Forgiveness is you saying, I'm not carrying your crap anymore. I'm setting it down. I am free. It's the great C.S. Lewis talks about hell is locked from the inside.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And a new mom trying to figure out how to be married as a new mom, all of that mess, you're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to be frustrated. You're allowed to be sick to your stomach. You're allowed to have all those things, okay? So you don't have to preface it with, I know I'm blessed and I know you had it. There's going to be no negative YouTube comments from me, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Right? So I am opening the prison and I'm heading out. And then I greet you at the gate because I'm free to come and go. And so you may have heard in some of my earlier episodes, I used to tell people, go to Lowe's and buy a cinder block. Put a couple of pieces of duct tape on that cinder block and get a Sharpie and write the things that happened to you by this man. Write them on that duct tape.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Hold that cinder block. Carry it around your backyard for a while. 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 3 minutes. As long as you can hold it. Until your arms start burning and your hands get tired. And then take it somewhere in the very backyard and throw it away. Set it down. But let it be a symbolic move. I am done carrying it. I've been to therapy. I've got my own family. I've got my own kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I am not carrying you anymore. And then tear the tape off, throw it away. And if you can do that, but you're going to feel powerless because right now you feel this pseudo weird, I'm in power because now you're following me around. Now you're chasing me. Now I'm abandoning you. And you realize, oh no, I just took the cancer baton and I'm spreading it into my family still. Right. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
How long are you going to carry it? I know. How long are you going to carry it? I know. I know. How long are you going to carry it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. I mean... And maybe that's the question that will never be answered. Why didn't y'all protect me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Do you need their protection anymore? No. You're free. No. You're free. No, I... You're free. Hell, the gates of hell, the gates of your hell are locked on the inside. Open the gates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Squirrely and messy and loud and all the chaos and all the fun?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Do you have friends? Do you have a gang?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So you don't, you don't need to look for your dad for protection anymore. He had a shot and he botched it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But if you listen, if you talk to your mom for, yeah, it's awkward, but it's awkward because you allow it to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You're good. Whatever you're going through is right, okay? All right, so your baby is mostly healthy. You are blessed and what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
If that's all they can handle. I have a personal rule. My personal rule is I don't talk to people unless they can hear me. Period. So when someone bombs my DMs and is like, you don't do this or you don't have it, I can't respond to you because you're not going to hear me. When one of my psychology professor colleagues calls me on the phone and is like, hey, man, I caught your show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You answered it this way. Let's talk about that. That's awesome. Now we're back and forth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Right? My mom is amazing, and she's not perfect. My sister, my brother, my dad, they're all amazing, and they're not perfect. I'm not either. And so if my dad says something, I can call my dad and say, hey, don't say that again. And he'll go, oh, okay, okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Or I could tell my brother, hey, that joke wasn't funny. Too far. He's like, I know. Sorry, sorry, sorry. And trust me, they tell me all those things too. Right? Right. Because I can hear them and they can hear me. And if your mom can only handle two or three cards a year, then that's what she can handle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But you're sending these cards expecting something more than that card can give.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
That call, listen, that call will never come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay, but listen to what you just said and it's very important, okay? I think we have a culture that cuts ties with family too quickly. I'm not saying yours. I mean, I trust that you went through hell and that you did what was right, especially in consultation with a professional. I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But it was your expectations of what they needed to do and how they needed to do it that they couldn't meet. You cast them as actors in your movie and you got mad at them that they didn't know the lines and they didn't even know they were in a film.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I have a dad who's in his mid-70s or early 70s. He's a lifetime Texas police officer. I would love for him to grab my face and look me in the eyes and say, I love you, and I'm so proud that you are my son. I did a pretty good job with you, and you're an amazing man. That tool isn't in his toolkit. And by the way, if he did that, it would freak me out. Right? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But my dad did write me an amazing card this year for Christmas that I will probably at some point get part of it tattooed on my body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Yeah. And how am I to get mad at the carpenter for having to use a hand saw instead of having... He didn't have the tool in the kit. That's great. Right. It's my fantasy that I cast him in. It's not fair to him. He's an amazing man. And by the way... My field of dreams moment, right, isn't real either. Right. True. Because if your dad called you and he's like, hey, I'm coming to visit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I need to see you. And you got all tantric. We will not meet at my house. We will meet. Okay. And he sat across the table from you in a diner and he said, listen to you. I screwed up. I should have been there to protect you. I wasn't there. And I'm sorry. I failed you as your dad when you were young. And then I've been chasing your approval ever since.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And I know I put too much on you and I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me? And you said yes. And y'all hugged. There's no music that will swell. There's no flashback or montage scene that kicks in. You'll get in your car and you might sob and you might feel some peace and relief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And then you're going to go home, and your husband's going to be walking out of the bathroom with his iPad, and the smell's going to be so bad, and it's going to knock your head. Your life will go back to your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Right? And so, grieve like mad. Write him a letter that you'll never send him. Don't ever send it, but write it. Get it out of your body. Free yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
It didn't feel like you thought it was going to, did it? You thought, I'm going to bomb them, I'm going to tell them what's up, and you feel like crap. And that's one of the modern revenge lies. It doesn't feel good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You literally said it. You're holding on to it. What's that giving you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And so, and can we, can I be honest? I bet he's gotten better and your expectation moves because your expectation is trying to
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
inspire a feeling well no you think it's going to feel a certain way and it never does and so you just move it okay you don't need to just apologize you need to go on your hands and knees okay you don't need to go on your knees you need to re-roof my house uh no you need to send me money because you should have like it just keeps moving because you'll never get that feeling it's like the conversations i've had with people who are trapped in heroin they tell me the first time
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Sit with me on that for a second. I was going to say these things out loud. Stop me if I'm wrong, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
They knew, oh, I'm going to do this the rest of my life. And you're chasing ghosts. You never feel the highs, never that good. That's the same with feelings. You're just chasing it, chasing it, chasing it. Quit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And that means you're still playing a game. okay quit playing the game yeah you listen you won you have an amazing marriage you've got four amazing kids you just moved to new town you already have one friend that's more than i've got kelly calls herself my friend but let's be honest no she's like she's shaking her head no she's not bob's my friend hold on amigo right like you won
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And so like, how do I feel like if I do this, if I forgive them, if I send a Mother's Day card, they win? No, they didn't because you're not even playing. I'm out of the game. And I want everybody to hear me. If somebody abused you, somebody hurt you, somebody continues to haunt you, they've got some, they continue to try to use you. No, that relationship's over and it's okay to grieve.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
It's okay to wish that you had grandparents for your grandkids. They're not there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
didn't happen I'm going to grieve it and then I'm going to stop carrying it around because choosing to carry it anymore is choosing to be miserable in the limited time I got left I wonder what it would be like Sarah if you just burned all those notes and letters you saved for all those years I'm not recommending you do that but I wonder what it would be like because I bet a part of your identity over the years has become this really tough person who cuts people off and I hold on to it
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Y'all were going to have this beautiful family, and it was going to look like this, whatever this is. It was going to feel like this. You're going to be one of those moms, one of those wives. He was going to be one of those dads. And you probably have some stupid friend whose baby's the best baby ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
How's that working? That's the great Dr. Phil asked. How's that working for you? What if we let go? What if we opened our hands? What if we unlocked our own hell from the inside and just said, I'll see y'all later. I'm going to go be with my amazing family. I'm free. Happy Father's Day, Dad. I wish you the absolute best. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I hope today is a good day for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And you can genuinely wish that for them. That doesn't mean I don't have a relationship with you. That doesn't mean I don't sit down and have a meal with you. But I do hope that your day is good. That, my friend, that's freedom. We'll be right back. Okay, I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I've been spending more time on screens than I like, and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off right starts with good sleep, period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set Every night, she loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth Cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone. Let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable when possible. Let's everybody keep their own clothes. And let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, let's go out to Princeton, Minnesota, and talk to Joe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I'm good, brother. Life going okay for you? Good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Excellent. Hey, I said Princeton, Minnesota.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Look at that. I'm learning my geography. I thought, Taylor, I thought you put the wrong initials up there, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Okay, Joe, we're on the same page, brother. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
No, you're okay. Take your time, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
No, it's tough, man. Especially when you lose someone that we love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And then you get this angel who won't shut up, right? Like just screams and screams and screams and screams. Is that about right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
How many days have you replayed that last day y'all were together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I know. Before we go any further, I need you to hear me say, you didn't miss anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You didn't miss anything. One of the strangest things about people who die by suicide is their friend community, their family community often reports that the last week or two weeks before they passed, they seemed to have turned a corner and they were so happy and so joyful and they came by and visited and they gave us cool stuff and they were just so over, like it was, they were light. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I'm so sorry, man. So how old is your kid? Your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So, um, I guess my first question is, are they going to hear about this from a family member somewhere else down the road? A cousin or an aunt or uncle? Are they going to hear the S word, the suicide word? Are they going to hear that from somebody or are they pretty self-contained?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I hate this for you. I hate it. I hate it for that little baby and the discomfort, and I hate it for you, and I hate it for your husband, I hate it for your marriage, I hate it for that picture you had.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Does she have... Do your kids have cousins that they hang out with all the time?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Generally speaking... I want my kid to hear about something from me first if I think there's a chance they're going to run into it. Developmentally speaking, so let's pretend that's off the table. Let's pretend no one's going to say that about granddad. Your kids aren't going to show up somewhere and hear that granddad died by suicide or committed suicide or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
They're not going to hear that and come to you as a 10-year-old and say, daddy, what's suicide? So let's pretend that's off the table. from 0 to 12, 0 to 11, depending on the maturity of your kid, every kid's different, I would say he got very, very sick and he died. That's it. He was very sick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And then from 12 to about 16-ish, 15-ish, 16-ish, granddad was very, very sick in his mind, in his head. What do you mean? He had a lot of, he had an illness, but it was in his brain. And then 15, 16, as they ask further, and we can sit down and explain, his mind was really sick and he thought that the way to heal his mind was to not be around anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A show about your marriage, your mental health, your emotional health, joy, laughter, fun, grief, hard, hard stuff, tough seasons, not knowing what to do next. That's what this show is about. My promise is I'll sit with you and we will figure out what to do next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Or he was so sick that he thought he was a burden to those of us and he thought the gift he could give us was to not be here. And I miss him every single day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. And then there'll be a weird moment when your kid's 18, 19, 20, 21, you're driving down the road and something tragic comes on the news or whatever. And it will happen somewhat organically unless you're a closed off dad and you don't sound like that kind of guy. But if you keep open rapport with your kids, there will be a day when it's organic and it feels right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And you'll say, that's how your granddad died. Whether it was a gun or whether it was medicine or whether it was junk, like whatever the thing is, that's how your granddad died. Right. But those type of things don't always have to be a big announcement. But as for the young kids, yeah, they can't wrap their head around it. Right. I hate this for you. Yeah, thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And I always ask this question, and I don't ask it to be too intrusive, but... How are you? Do you have those thoughts, too, that the world would be better if you weren't here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Awesome. Good for you. Have you forgiven your dad yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. It's okay to be really, really angry. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Have you heard me? I tell everybody to do this thing, so I'll tell you as well. There's a real beneficial exercise of the three letters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
To write your dad a letter and tell him how much you miss him, how amazing he was. As you talked about him to me, seal it up. As you talk to me, like, man, he taught me everything I know. Be specific. You taught me how to whittle. You taught me how to fix this thing. You taught me how to tie my shoes. And then write him a second letter. Put an envelope. Seal it up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Write him another letter that tells him how freaking pissed you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And then write him a third letter and tell him, dad, I'm letting you go. Here's what you're going to miss. And man, are we going to miss you? Okay. And I'm letting you go. I want you to go rest because you weren't able to rest here. I'm going to go let you go. And I'm going to use what you taught me. I'm going to go be the best damn dad that ever existed. Yeah. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Screw them. Forget them. Forget them. Okay? Because it's like getting married and not turning off your Hinge account, right? It's like buying a house and keeping the Zillow listings open. Like this is your baby. And choosing to enter into the space of other people's babies and what they have, it's a choice to make yourself a little more miserable in an already miserable season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And then what you're going to bring to your house is peace. And you don't have that. Your kids don't have that. Your house doesn't have it. And you're working so hard for it because you're an incredible dad. Let's let your dad go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
It's hard. It is. You didn't miss anything. It's not your fault. You know those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Yep. Okay. It's been one of the honors of my time here to talk to you today. Thank you for being open. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. You got it, man. You're a blessing, brother. For everybody listening, you'll hear me say all the time, don't lie to your kids, don't lie to your kids. And I'll tell you again, don't lie to your kids. And don't overshare with your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And there's a difference. A 9-year-old, a 10-year-old, they can't wrap their head around suicide. What they do know is they're just like dad. Half a dad is them. That means part of granddad is them. And it's just an algorithm that a young kid can't map out. So, granddad was sick, really, really sick. Dad was sick. Mom was sick. Your friend was really, really sick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And as they get older, we'll begin to clarify what sickness means as they're able to internalize it. Some kids can't handle it until they're 18. Some kids can handle it at 15. Every kid's different. You'll know your kids. Joe, you're a good dad. Andy would be really proud of you. We'll be right back. Okay, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Good folks, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination. You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the entire next month. Being well and being healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect by a long shot, and you're probably not either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setbacks. And one way to make your journey easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what you eat and drink. This is why I love Organifi, because their whole food blends contain only the best. They're plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, and soy-free ingredients.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage. That's it. Their green juice is great in the morning. It's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. And Organifi Red Juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com slash Diloni right now to save 20% off at checkout with code Diloni. That's Organifi, O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. It's time for Am I the Problem? Go for it, Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Let's call her Kelly Daniel. So Kelly Daniel writes,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
In the beginning – I mean this is getting real close to home. Yeah. Jane Doe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Ooh, that one's tough. All right, I'm going to talk this one out loud, and I might change my mind from what I originally say out loud. No, I think her feelings are real and valid. It's true. And if he is not...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
recognizing her at every turn too um and there are husbands that um placate i think my wife jane and it goes on to the next and then if you can you can google steve carell's first emmy when he said i didn't prepare anything but my wife wrote this and it's hilarious and it's supposedly his wife writing his acceptance speech but it keeps mentioning her over and over and at the end you realize he understands he is nothing without her
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And it's really a beautiful, funny, very Steve Carell, but it's like the whole recognition speech was about her, right? And it was really beautiful and well done. And so if he's not doing that, then shame on him, right? This is a joint thing. Yes, one person gets directed. Same to the show. My face is on it. When it goes bad, I got to go on. I got to say, I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But when it goes good, everyone's like, man, your show. Well, dude, there's a whole crew back there, right? So I get that. But if my life isn't dedicated to pointing out, dude, without you guys, I'm just some knucklehead on the street running my mouth. I'm a lunatic. Then shame on me. The other side of it is, There's a lot of ego involved here, right? Like who cares? Like life's too short.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And so I get both. I get them both. I don't know that anybody's a problem here. I think the problem probably is she hasn't sat down and said, hey, I'm feeling left out of this thing. And I know that I'm not supposed to, I'm a nonprofit and I'm supposed to just sing Kumbaya and say, yay, all the children are getting served. But man, you have a lot of plaques with your name on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And this is an us thing. And I'm really, it's a relational issue. I'm not feeling like you appreciate me. I think that's a fair thing to say out loud. And yeah. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Or he probably is thinking she hates public speaking. She hates getting on stages.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Yeah. That conversation will be tough, but have it anyway. Not having it is also tough. Kelly, Joe, Andrew, Taylor, even me hermano Bob, I'm nothing without you guys. So glad you're in my gang. Appreciate you. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
I feel terrible. I keep interrupting you and I feel awful. I just feel like I would ask your permission to hug you if you were here and your husband. And so I'm sorry to keep interrupting. I know that's rude of me. But hear me say directly, Abigail, she is not better at this than you. She is not a better mom than you. She is not better at taking care of her baby than you. She's not. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
It just sucks. By the way, anger is good. Being mad is good. Anger is just simply points you towards something that you wanted it a certain way and it's not or it was supposed to be a certain way and it's not. Anger is good. You're not a bad mom because you get angry that this kid won't stop screaming and that this is supposed to be some beautiful moment and the kid is ruining it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
The kid's going to ruin lots of other moments. It is what it is, right? Let me ask you this. Is your rage against the baby? Is your upsetness or is it against the way you were so desperate to have it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay, so that was my next question. Is the rage against the baby or is the anger against feeling powerless?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Okay. Most of the time, parents, when they first are faced with the fact that someone's going to break their kid's heart, that someone's going to get in a wreck and hit their kid, that their kid's going to fail a class, that there's that powerless feeling, and parents react all different ways. Anxious, depressed, overbearing, hide, they run, they get mad at the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Your response is your response, okay? I just want you to know, I'm trying to say, I want you to know you're not broken, and it's not the baby's fault. It just is. Yeah. And it sucks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Quick reminder, I get loads, loads and loads and loads and loads of requests via DMs. I don't even read those. I don't check on them. And so I do check my DMs, but if it's like a personal topic, I don't read it. I skip it and move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So can I ask you a hard John Deloney question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Seven months in, now this has turned and it's messing with your marriage. Now it's turned, it's messing with your friendships. Now it's turned and it's messing with that incredible mom and woman that you see in the mirror every day. Is the anger and rage and frustration, is it helping?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Yeah. I mean, that's like, because you, you got that from some awesome mom magazine. Just be present in the moment. No kid won't stop screaming. Right? Like it's easy to be like, you know what? You should meditate more. And there's fine. Listen, you're not crazy. This is maddening. It's heartbreaking. It's not what you pictured. And it's not forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And I would be really hesitant to cast character judgments on your kid. Like they have X or Y kind of temperament. Maybe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But maybe your baby's just allergic to the way your body processes milk or something. Who knows, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And so whatever is going on is going on. I have heard of some success with GI doctors. I'm sure y'all have gone down every road you can go down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. And maybe Kidney's $30 formula from Walmart. Oh, man. I'm going to get some hate on that one. Here's the thing. Not forever. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So... Anytime I sit down with a family and they're dealing with something like this, like our baby's really hard or baby's sick. Or if I sit down with a family who's got a child who's got a terminal something or other, I always tell them less, like how do we handle the kid? What conversations we need to have? What things we need to be doing in the house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
We can get to all of those, but I always tell them here's number one. The stats say less. that this is going to mess up your marriage. And so let's actually start there. Okay. So I would love for y'all to, this is an obnoxious exercise. It's silly. And y'all are probably gonna be rolling your eyes and laughing, right? You and your poor husband, but I want y'all to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
This is like an exercise in we're just going to do it to do it because some moron podcast, I'm not saying that anymore. Some podcaster said like to do this, right? So I want you all to sit on the same side of your kitchen table together. And I want you to get a note card and I want you to write colic on it. And I want you to set it in the middle of the table, arms length away from you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And I want you both to look at colic for 30 seconds while you're holding hands and And say no words. Just time it. Just stare at that word. That is the bad guy here. Not your husband who's getting frustrated at you getting frustrated. Not your husband who is just kind of fed up and he's got to go to work and he's got to sleep too. And why don't you, one of us has to, all that stuff that happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And then why can't you just be happy and he's not grieving enough and you're grieving too much or vice versa. Y'all are on the same team. Okay? That's a simple, silly 30-second exercise, but I want it to be, and then I want you all to make a plan. How do we stay together? How do we get tighter at the end of this thing, not further apart from each other? What does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You're going to have to say, here's what I need. Here's what I want. Do we have signals? Do we have plans? Do you already have that? Or do you all just fly by night?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So if you want to be on the show, social media is not the place. Call 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. All right, let's go out to Albany, New York and talk to the one and only Abigail. Hey, Abigail, what's happening?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Perfect. Okay. Do you have friends that you call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. You are not a bad mom by calling somebody and saying, I'm at the end of my rope. I need you to come hold my baby for 30 minutes while I go for a walk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. I want you just to get on the phone and figure it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Call a local teenager. Call a kid. Call a... And again, you're not running away. And I say call a kid. Like my son, when he was 10 or 11, he would go to somebody's house and they were frustrated. Or they were cleaning. They were doing something. Plus played Legos. Whatever the thing is, right? And I know people are like, he's a screamer. Whatever. But you know what I'm saying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
If you have to hire somebody, hire somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
They're going to come in and go, oh my gosh, this woman's amazing. And she does this 24 seven, 365. And all you can see is the thoughts that you have, the ones that scare you. And you project those into everybody else's head. It's not true. It would be such a, and here's the thing. Here's what the baby gets. A mom with a centimeter more capacity. That's a gift.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. So I want you to set the judgment of yourself down. I want you to set the judgment of your, your family unit down. I want you to set any of those stories that you're making up, set them down and reach out for somebody. Do you have a neighbor that will come by and hold your kid? Do you have anything?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Say I need 30 minutes. I need two hours. And by the way, this kid is going to scream the whole time and I'm going to double your rate. Right. Whatever. You are less being a babysitter and you are more being a mommy savior. Right? Yeah. See what I'm saying? Okay, here's number whatever. I'm just making these things up. Instead of comparing to friends, I want you to reach out to them. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
You already have some deep, deep mom guilt about what you're about to tell me, and what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
So I want you to have an open conversation with your friend. Hey, we're really struggling. Your baby's amazing. It's awesome. There may be days that I call you for 30 minutes or for an hour. It would be a real gift and I'll return the favor. And maybe your friend will get a dose of, oh, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
And I also want to promise you this, as much as they're painting whatever picture they're painting is not true. It's not. It's not what you're going through, but it's not perfect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay? I want you to begin to write down your thoughts and I know you're terrified to put them on paper, but I want you to get them out of your head because they're killing you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Okay. Do you have somebody you can talk to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Oh, man. Well, thanks for coming to hang out. Pull up a seat. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
Make the time. But saying these things out loud and having somebody not flinch, like I'm not flinching. Hope you can hear my voice. I'm not flinching. You got thoughts just shooting all through your mind, okay? But write them down, get them out of your body. You're not going to keep them. You'll shred them. You'll burn them, whatever you want to do with them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
It's probably not a journal you want your friends to find. You definitely don't want your kid to find it later, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Being a Mom Isn’t What I Thought It’d Be
But I want you to get them out of your head. Because then here's the deal. When you get them out of your head and you can look at them and you can do the one, one of my favorite exercises in the world is the demand. Is this true? Is this true? I wish I never had this baby. Is that true? No. No. My husband sucks. He's the worst. He doesn't love me or support me. Is that true? No. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
What's up, guys? Okay, so we got Cindy and Will from Montreal. Good to see you guys. I'm not seeing you guys. We're going to talk to you. How about that? Yeah. All right, so who wrote into the show?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And it's hurt your whole life. That's part of the adult growing up process that just stinks, man. I hate it for you. Thank you guys for the call. Y'all are in a good spot. Don't stop communicating. Cindy, commit to stopping the nagging and complaining because those two things never work. And Will, keep standing firm for your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Now, y'all stand firm together and say, okay, we added another kid to this crazy house. We're wiping the deck. We've got a new marriage yet again. What do we want this thing to look like and feel like? Y'all are on the right path. You're on the right path. I'm so honored to talk to you guys today. All right, we come back. We talk to a woman who is wondering, can I trust my husband again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental health resources, physical health resources, and more. Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to the fear of judgment. I personally understand this. I felt that same sense of judgment before I finally got the courage to ask for help. And listen, when people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It impacts their families, their workplaces, and their entire communities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
The world is better when we are all healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for you for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole. So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist. So to get started, just fill out a short online survey, and they'll match you with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, and it's really easy to do it, and it costs no extra money. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, so we are long past Easter now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, for growing in your faith, and for building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay, so you throw the first grenade, and then Will and I will sit in the shrapnel and see what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So if you committed to consistent practice of prayer and gratitude or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Can I just say on behalf of husbands everywhere, and this is going to sound trite, I'm not playing, and I know people might roll their eyes listening to this. I'm being very serious. I'm proud of you for standing up to her because that was not easy. Yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, as the world is burning down around us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Halo helps me stay mindful even when life is gone berserker. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for intentional spirituality with Halo. Plus, when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Again, go to Halo, H-A-L-L-O-W, halo.com slash Deloney for three months for free. Let's go out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to Lee. Hey, Lee, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I'm doing great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Yeah. Excellent. As good as we can. Yep. Right. I guess try to figure it out. What a wild world we live in. So what's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So can I change your language just a wee bit?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And I want to empower you, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
There was a moment a decade ago when you had to take a stand for your safety and your kids' safety, and you said enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
and i announced i always am telling couples the data is clear the reality is clear it sounds all cool and hipster and modern to you have your finances and i have mine and then we get these disastrous marriages where you got two people co-existing in the same house they're co-managers of their household so you guys did what i will preach till kingdom come which is you combine your finances and like you mentioned there's a few moments when somebody has to take a stand and say hey
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
You, partner, you're driving us into oncoming traffic. So it's not we in that moment, Lee. 10 years ago, you said, for my safety and for our kids' safety, I'm taking a stand. I'm pulling my money out. I'm not sharing with you anymore because you're untrustworthy. And I'm going to make sure we got a home and we got electricity and we got water and we got food, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So my first response before Will responds is, tell me about your negative feelings. What are they?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. I want to call out how proud of you I am for that statement because that's hard to do. when you love your partner and you watch them struggle with addiction after addiction, that's hard and you want to be supportive, but there comes a moment when you say, okay, for me and my kids, we got to eat. So I'm proud of you for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So paint me a picture of the last 10 years and why are you, why are you stumbling back into, I think it might be time to re rejoin finances.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. Sober from what was his last vice that he is working through? Alcohol was the last one. Okay. So he's been alcohol free, gambling free, drug free for two years now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. Has he reengaged in being present in your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Do you feel safe physically and sexually and emotionally?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Well, if you have to convince yourself of basic safety, then that often means you're overriding your body's innate safety signals. You took a big gulp of air when I asked if you're safe physically, sexually, and emotionally. Tell me about that pause.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Or I said to my therapist recently, I want to feel in my chest what I know to be true in my head. Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Like you're seeing this changed behavior. You're seeing minute by minute, day after day, a changed man. And yet your body's still saying, hey, remember when, remember when, remember when, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. So in your everybody's completely healed picture, the fantasy picture, I'll call it, what does recombining finances get the both of you? What does that bring to your home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. Do you feel disjointed still?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Is he still being irresponsible with the spending, even though his addictions are under control?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. So if that's the case, I don't think we're there yet, but I do honor the fact, here's what I hear you saying. How are you saying you admire how hard he has worked the last two years and you see the work he's putting in and you feel a sense or a move inside the middle of your chest for you to make a move back to center too. And you want to feel like you're doing your fair share now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Give me an example or two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
for y'all to come together instead of you just staying on your side of the fence and you keep telling him, when you get over here, when you get over here, you're saying, okay, I'll take down the fence too. We'll meet in the middle. I want to applaud his sobriety for two years. That's a nightmare for anybody. That's tough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I do think you might be at a place where you can sit down and have the money conversation. Here's what must be true. You got to be on a budget for six months. Or the impulse spending or the boxes showing up in the front of the house or the new whatever guitars or guns or whatever he's into.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I want to see that you are invested not in quote unquote managing your money, but you're invested in this household working together, together moving forward. And then you be very specific about what you would need to see for you to be able to exhale and override your body's GPS alarm systems and put your money back in the same account.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Because it could be that y'all dump all your money back in the same checking account and you have a big kumbaya moment and it's beautiful and you just handed a match to somebody holding a can of gasoline. Or it could be the olive branch. And so sobriety is step one. Like when people say like, hey, I want to meet with my –
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I went behind closed doors with a couple a few months ago, and I got kind of an emergency call. Hey, things are blowing up. Will you come over? I went over, and one of the people was completely drunk, just hammered. And so I said, hey, there can be no healing in this house until that's dealt with, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And so I think what's hard for you is you've got 10 years of kind of doing life on your own with this other person in your house who you love and care about. And now you've gone to and you wanted to just quote unquote go back to the way it was. I don't think we're there yet. I think two years just said, okay, now we're at the starting line. Almost like you're redating again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay, now you're clear eyed. Here's what must be true for me to feel safe with something as powerful as transportation, food, lights, a roof over our head. And if he looks at you and says, I'm not doing any of that crap, then I think, Lee, you have a, you've got more data than you wanted, but you've got data that you got to deal with. That would say he's not invested in this marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
He may be invested in staying sober, but he's not ever going to be invested in getting you guys back together. If, like some folks I've been around who are, I mean, their sobriety stories are amazing. But they cross that one-year mark, that two-year mark, that six-month mark, and they say, what's next? How else can I get back in the game?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
How else can I heal this relationship so that we can move forward? And so maybe you sitting down and saying, I want to just call out the last two years I've watched you change. I've watched the lights come back on in your chest and in your eyes and in your soul, and it's amazing. And I feel like we're back at the starting line. I want to combine our finances.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I want us to start talking about our future. I want us to talk about retirement. I want us to talk about how we're raising these kids. I want to talk about us having a fun, exciting sex life again. I want us to talk about these things. Starting line number one, I want to see you for six months budget your money and manage your money. You're a grown man. I'm not going to do it for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I want to see you have some impulse control there because I want us to bring our money back together. And yes, that might blow up. But if that blows up, then you know it's not what you think it is right now. Or it's not what you're hoping and grabbing so tightly around. Like you're holding this thing so tight, you may realize it never was all the way back. Tell me what you're thinking.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Can I tell you one other hedge I would make if I were you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Do you have an emergency fund of any sort? Do you have a cash position just for you, some savings?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That's amazing. So basically you've been a single parent inside of this home. How many kids do you have? Okay. So you've been paying the bills, taking care of your kids, taking care of everything, taking care of you, and you still managed to save three months. Like if it all burns to the ground, you've got three months to keep the lights on. That's amazing, Lee.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And so you do have some margin that when he, two months, three months, six months, you're a grownup. You get to decide what your body's going to need to feel safe. But if he doesn't speak it, behavior is a language. If he acts it, if he puts into action a commitment that he wants to be all in with you,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Then you've got some rope here that in case he burns, if he takes that money, y'all put in the same account again, y'all go down and have a ceremony. You open a new checking account in a new place. You close your private accounts. You put it in there, but you're keeping that savings account. And you tell him, I'm keeping an emergency fund because we are tiptoeing our way into this trust.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And if he loves you and he's all in and he's truly on the path to sobriety, he'll say, whatever it takes for you to feel safe. My gut tells me that your silence is speaking volumes and I don't know if it's just a lot to digest or if you're scared about this conversation or if you know underneath all of this, he's not going to do any of this stuff. And you got to deal with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Yes. But also something you can't put off forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So can I give you two or three pointers for how to engage in this conversation?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. Set a date for it. Get out of your house. And maybe write down two, three, five, seven things that you have felt in your spirit, in your chest, that you have seen with your own eyes over the last two years of ways he has just turned the lights back on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And that might be as small as, I just see every time you walk by the sink and there's dishes in it, you just clean the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. Thank you, I see that. There's not just little tiny hairs all over the sink when you shave. Like, I see you. I believe you that you say you haven't had a drink in two years. And you've got the two-year chip. I'm so proud of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I want you to put some immediate relational deposits in the bank when you sit down. The good stuff starts with you. You, you, you. The challenge then, when you shift gears to... I want to begin coming back together and I still don't feel safe about our money. And so do you see what I'm doing? Like you were saying, the positives are saying you, the negatives you're saying I. I feel unsafe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I see the work you're doing. I want to begin to practice putting our money back together. Here's what that would look like. You being on a budget for two to six months. You, whatever. And by the way, I'm going to help you out. So this show is hosted by the Ramsey Network. I also co-host the Ramsey Show. I'm going to give you our flagship product. It's the best budgeting app on the planet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
It's called EveryDollar. I'm going to give you the premium version for a year. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
In fact, you know what? I'm going to send you two. I'm going to send you two of those. Let him use one by himself for three months, for six months.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And he can make you a participant in that. So you don't do anything in his account, but you get to see he's living with a budget. Y'all commit to a weekly budget conversation. How are we doing? You commit to a monthly reconciliation of how money goes. And this is you telling him, I want to feel safe. So here's what I need.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Here's what I want to feel safe in this house when it comes to how we spend money. With the goal that in January to start the new year, August 1, whatever, I want us to put all of our money back together so that we are ride or die, same team, both of us moving in the same direction moving forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And for six months after that, I'm going to keep an emergency fund over here on the side because it was 10 years of pain. And it was painful before those 10 years. And it's been dicey the last two. So I'm being smart for me and the kids, but I'm working to come back to you. And I want you to work equally hard to come back to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And I think that's a fair, honest, and I'll say rational, but a way that communication will work. And it'll be your best attempt to make him feel safe and seen. And at the same time, put some hard things on the table by using the word I. Here's what I want. Here's what I want so that I can feel safe in this house. I want to acknowledge you. I want to feel safe. Are you in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And by the way, as the old, the great Dr. Erwin Yalom says, everything is data. If he looks at you and says, this is stupid. I'm not doing any of this crap. Or he says, sure, I'm all in. And then one month later, he's like, I'm not meeting you. My budget is my money. Then you've got some big answers to some big questions. And y'all are going to have to have that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Or, I mean, you can choose your other hard, which is we're just going to keep living like this forever. But I hear in your voice you're tired of just being roommates and you're ready to be married again. I applaud you, sister. The next path is choose your heart. Choose the one that might get you to where you both want to be. I'm proud of you. Hang on the line.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
We'll get you hooked up with those free tools. All right, when we come back, we talk to a new dad who is struggling with his wife's picture of raising his little baby. We'll be right back. All right, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, trying to eat right, and a million other things all at the same time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
You're tired and you're wired and you're exhausted and you're just trying to hold it all together. There are small daily choices that we can all make to feel a little more clear-headed and a little less anxious in all this chaos so that we can show up and be steady and whole for the people we love. For me, that includes using Organifi juices and gummies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too. Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are really easy to fit into your daily routine, even when you're on the go. You just mix them with water and you're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
It's a great way to start in the morning. And I love Organifi's red juice, a good way to start in the morning for caffeine-free energy and a good pick-me-up in the afternoon. And of course, I love their SheLegit, Creatine, and Happy Drops gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients. Good folks, Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 20% off. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney. Houston, Texas, home of the not doing so well Astros. Talk to Neil. What's up, brother Neil? John. John, how's it going? Dude, I'm doing great, brother. How are you? I'm, you know, living the dream.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That's what everybody says when one of their tires is flat and they think their back tire is flat too. Living the dream. So what's up, Neil?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Hopefully you're not struggling with breastfeeding.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Contrary to what some of the science textbooks say now, you can't brother. Oh, shame. I wish I could.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So I want to first blow up that idea. You're going to have things that are very important to you and your marriage that will not be important to your wife and vice versa. Okay. It doesn't have to be something, but you can honor her the importance that it has for her. Okay. Yeah. And so don't ever feel like, well, it's important to her, so I have to make it important to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That can't work like that. You're going to have an exhausting life if you all do that for each other, okay? If you're constantly forcing yourself like, she likes square dancing, so I've got to like it too. Like, nope. She can go square dance with somebody else, right? So when you say she's having problems with breastfeeding, is she having problems producing enough milk?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Is the kid having problems latching? Like, what are the challenges here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. Has she met with a breastfeeding coach?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. So what I would tell you is on day 12... nothing is the way it is in the movies and nobody tells you these things. Like when you see a, just like in a movie or a buddy and their wife is just breastfeeding and it all looks just so natural. And they're just having a conversation in a coffee shop with one of those little showery thing. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
It looks like a, like a shower curtain, you know, or like the other day at the hibachi grill, that lady just decided to go for it right there at the hibachi grill. And there's like fire flaming up and the guy's like making onion stuff and she just let it rip. Knock your lights out, right? But like, it looks so simple and so pain-free and so dot, dot, dot, dot, dot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And I had some friends who were way down the road and they would tell me, they're like, no, no, no. Like that baby doesn't have any teeth, but those gums feel like death or... Getting a kid to latch sometimes is really tough. And then you begin to think, I'm a failure as a mother or my body's broken somehow. And it's just a challenge, right? Just getting there can be a challenge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And so you're day 12 in, I would exhale a little bit just knowing, man, there's different sights and smells and challenges and pain and all those kinds of things are just new and nobody tells anybody about any of that stuff. And I applaud you, brother, for wanting to help. And you are experiencing this in day 12. I experienced it for about two years before I called it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So I'm going to give you some language here, but kudos to you for already trying to figure it out. Few moments in my life have I felt more powerless than in the season you are in right now. Because there's going to be seasons over the next one to two years where your kid will be screaming and you can't stop it. And you will feel like a huge failure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
You will see your wife in tears because she thinks and wants so desperately this basic, this basic biological process between a mother and an infant feeding is so difficult. And you're going to want to rescue her from the pain, from the tears, from the kid biting, the kid screaming, the kid kicking, all those, you want to rescue her and you can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I know, and you'll feel freaking powerless. And you put on top of that, you haven't slept. And you put on top of that, you're getting emails from work that you're trying to respond to, and you're not doing a good job of that either. And then you just start to feel like, I suck at all of this stuff. Yeah. And that's a total lie, and it's not true. You're a good husband. You're a good dad, Neal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And this is just one of those things that I wish I had another phrase for it, but this just sucks. If your baby was starving and you were watching your wife force her ideology and it was coming at the cost of your kid's health, then we're going to intervene. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
If you see your wife trying to make something happen and the lactation consultant says, hey, you aren't producing enough milk, we have to supplement. And she said, absolutely not. I will never supplement with formula ever, ever, ever. We have a different kind of problem. It doesn't sound like y'all are there yet. Is that fair? Yeah, I would say not yet. Okay. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
My hope is now that you have done the right thing, which is to bring in a professional, that professional will serve as a, what I would call a neutral third party. And it will give you a touch point that when you start getting concerned, hey, that baby hasn't eaten all day. The doctor said, we need a supplement. I know that's not what we want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That wasn't our plan, that we wanted everything to be natural. We wanted that way. And thank God we live in a teeny tiny sliver of history when they have supplementary nutrition for infants. Thank God. And then we can go be lunatics about what's in this, in the, you know, this is what I would do. I would like what's in that formula and who made it and who owns like good on that rabbit hole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Yeah, 100%. I don't know any husband loves a nagging wife. All right, so Will, tell me what's going on in your world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Let that be a thing y'all can focus on like a demon y'all can fight together. And that will shift the blame from fighting her, fighting her body, her fighting herself, you fighting your ineptitude as a dad, which isn't true, but it's what it feels like. My hope is that just a few tips from a lactation consultant, from a breastfeeding coach, man, that makes all the difference in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And it may not be easy, but it may be way better. Okay. And maybe sit down and ask your wife this question. After the baby's asleep, okay, ask her this question. How do you want me to bring up concerns about the baby? And when do you want me to bring them up? Because I want to do it in a way that is honoring you and us and that kid. And it's just a good conversation to have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I've learned after one of my kids has just thrown a temper tantrum or being nine or 15 or whatever's happening, I've learned that is not the moment to tell my wife, we need to start doing, that's just not a good time. I've learned that the next morning after everybody's had coffee, to be like, hey, tonight, let's go for a long walk. I want to talk about what happened yesterday.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And my wife goes, all right, cool. And you'll just learn. So having this conversation now, how do you want me to have this conversation with you as we move forward? And then the second thing is, how do you want me to ask you things that I don't fully understand? Okay. You mentioned one of them. You could care less if it's breast milk or if it is formula. I don't care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I just want my kid to not scream. I don't want my kid to have a full belly. So how do you ask that question to an exhausted, hormones have just exploded, body still hurts, either she's got episiotomy or she's got a huge wound healing across her lower abdomen, right? Like, how do I bring this stuff up? It's very delicate, right? Right, right. It's tough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
What you don't want to do is get in the position that some men find themselves where they start telling women what they need to be doing with their baby and their body. Yeah. Because whether you're right or wrong, it doesn't matter. It feels like it's, oh, it's now you versus me and my baby. And husbands never want to find themselves there. And sometimes husbands have to intervene.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Things aren't healthy. Things aren't safe. Things aren't okay. Postpartum is real. It's scary. Yada, yada, yada, yada, yada. How do we want to have these hard conversations?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
How do I support her? Here's how you do this. At noon, the day before that 10 o'clock, you let her know, I feel powerless at 11 o'clock when you're crying. What are some things I can do to bring you peace when that's happening?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
so that at 12 o'clock or 11 o'clock, when she is heartbroken that she's struggling with breastfeeding, because she's had this picture in her mind, she knows this kid a year in advance of you, which took me a long time to recognize. She's already got a relationship with this kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And so when she's feeling shame, like her body's a failure, like she's a failure as a mother, she can't even feed her own kid, all these stories she's telling herself, you don't want her also to feel like she's got to take care of you at 10 o'clock too. So y'all have already had that discussion at noon. Hey, how can I best love you when things aren't going well?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And she might say, it would really be awesome for you just to sit by me and not ask me any questions. Let her cry. It may be really awesome. Bring me a cup of tea. It may be really awesome. Just take this baby and make that baby a bottle and let me just sob by myself. And then have that plan so that when things get tough at 10 or 11, and by the way, it won't just be about this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
There's going to be some weird rash that just pops up that happens. There's going to be a preschool that y'all have signed up for four years in advance that just closes. And now you don't need childcare. There's going to be things like that that pop up all the time. So having a plan ahead of time so that when this thing happens, how can I best love you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And the uncomfortableness and just let her cry. Sometimes. Sometimes it's I'll rub your feet. It is, man. Sometimes I'll rub your feet. And by the way, in 10 years, is it a boy or a girl? It's a girl. In 10 years, some little jerk of a fourth grader is going to break her heart. And you're not going to be able to fix that. But you're going to be able to sit by her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And you're going to be able to hold her teeny tiny little 10 year old body while she sobs. You can't fix it. You're going to want to go fight a fourth grader, but you're not going to fix it, but you're going to be able to exhale. And so, yes, there is a thing about feeling the powerlessness. It doesn't mean you're broken. Doesn't mean something's wrong. It just is. But let me tell you this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
This is the way this is and the feelings are scary and the feelings hurt and you're a good dad, man. Thank you. And you're a good husband. So heavy. It is. And can I challenge you to do something that I wish I had done? I'll certainly try. Get on Amazon today. and buy a really, really nice thick lined leather bound journal. And at the top, write day 13.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And in those moments of powerlessness, those moments of just you're overcome with love, you're overcome with the responsibility, the weight of a little girl, Write her a note, an entry into this thing so that when she's 16, you can just hand her the whole thing. Here's 16 years of how much your dad loves you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
When it was hard, when it was easy, when I didn't know what to do, when I didn't feel like I was loving you and your mom well, but I just stood in it, I stayed in it. When I had to say hard things like, hey, we've tried for three weeks and the baby's losing weight. We got to do something about formula. Let's go meet with a doctor. We got to do something. And that was a hard conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Hand her that journal. And by the way, that will give you something to do with that excess feelings of powerlessness. And I don't know what to do next that you're feeling at 10 o'clock at night, at two in the morning, at five in the morning, all that kind of stuff. All the joys and excitement and pain and challenge of having a newborn at the house, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
When you feel like, I don't know what to do next. You're right where you need to be, brother. I'm proud of you. Hang in the game. This is when most men begin to bail. Hang in there. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about delete me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel like digital trails leading right back to us? Now scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a PH where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and to care about you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Did you make her cry, or is that her move? And has that always been her move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
You ever got an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's actually looking out for you. With all the new technological advancements, no one is really safe anymore. So what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what you can control. The first thing is to learn about how to be careful online and offline with your digital footprint.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And the second thing you need to do is sign up with Delete.me. I use and recommend Delete.me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and selling it to a bajillion other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Delete.me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks and the harassment and the other online threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy with Delete.me. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off their annual plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash deloney. Hey, please take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. We get millions and millions and millions and millions of views every month on our short videos, on the long form videos, tens and tens of millions of videos. I mean, it's amazing. And... We have 1.1 million subscribers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
What does that mean? That means that many of you are watching this. You're watching every day. You're consuming it. If you'll just take a second to hit the subscribe button, it moves the show up in the algorithm and it gets the life-changing bravery of these callers to more and more people. And what we need right now is real-life examples of bravery in our homes. We're not seeing it anywhere else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
It will get this show out to more people, and that's what we need right now, is more people listening to these stories and these struggles and listening to people make hard choices about what to do next. So if you'll just take a second, hit the subscribe button or the like button or the leave a quick review, whatever it means to the world. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
No. No. And from one guy who is comically clueless, like embarrassingly clueless about the intentions of other people. Just trust your wife on this one, dude. And yes, I think what she is saying is even more right, which is let's build a culture of beyond reproach. Nobody can ever question us because we don't put ourselves in situations to be questioned, right? Which is good God almighty, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
In my past, I've put myself in the dumbest situations and it's just stupid. It's just dumb. So 100%, this is not a... this question came from somebody like going to a youth group. This is far beyond anything out of a faith context. This is just being smart and protecting your wife's reputation, protecting your reputation. And Plutonic, dude, some of my best friends on the planet are women.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
They're awesome. They're like, they're awesome. Women are awesome. I thought it's so stupid. I just said that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Well, Just so we all know, I almost made an awesome joke just then, but I'm trying to be more mature, as you're always asking me to do. But I don't spend the night at their house when it's just them. I just don't. And it's just not wise. So anyway, there you go. No, you are not the problem. You are very wise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I'm going to take the high road here and assume your husband is like me, and that's just comically clueless. He's had affairs in the past, though, so I don't think he is. But you know what? I've been kind of a grump today, so I'm going to take the high road on this one. gonna be happy. Nope, you're not the problem. He is. And probably that other woman is too. Kelly, fix the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Stop tattooing yourself and fix the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That's a lot. I gave you that one. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Um, She's been doing this to you your whole life, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Hope you are making it. We are recording this. What month is it even? Are we in March? Are we in April?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That's right. But what I'm saying is she has blown through your feelings and emotions and what you need and what you want your whole life. Yeah. Right? So can I just say on behalf of husbands everywhere and dads everywhere, and this is going to sound trite, I'm not playing, and I know people might roll their eyes listening to this. I'm being very serious.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I'm proud of you for standing up to her because that was not easy, was it? No. A manipulative, overbearing, self-declared matriarch. is every bit as pompous and arrogant as a self-proclaimed patriarch. I'm the man of this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
It can be just as obnoxious when it's, I'm the matriarch of this house, and you've been dealing with that crap your whole life, and you stood up on behalf of your wife and your kids and you, and I'm proud of you. Okay? Thank you. You did not make her cry. That was her move number two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That's when a bully gets punched in the nose and then goes running to the teacher and says, he hit me, forgetting the fact that that bully has been messing with you for months and years on end, right? So crying, just the, that's manipulation tactic part two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I don't even know when we are, where we are. That's a problem. It's a problem. I'm all over the place though. Traveling and then running to do this and then writing in the mornings and in the night times. And when the world burns down, I'm okay with it. When we just light matches and then dump gas on it. Golly, dude. If you are sitting at home wondering what's happening. Me too. Me too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
There you go. But here's the deal. He's taken that and that's the life he's chosen to live. You can't impact that. Right. And so here's your next move. Y'all have to begin to not speak your boundaries. You have to begin to live them. And what that means is she has opted out of y'all seeing her every week. That's a choice she made. And your dad has chosen this life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And so because he's chosen to attach himself to somebody like this, he has chosen to not see your kids. And y'all are gonna have to grieve the fact that every young kid needs grandparents that are on their side. And y'all don't have that. How does that sound?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Of course she does. I would expect a kid... who every time they see somebody tells them the greatest thing ever, shoves a bunch of presents in their face, feeds them a bunch of sugar and junk. I expect a kid. It's their parents' job to keep them safe. And if you guys have identified, we're tired of this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
The other thing you can do is every time you get a gift, you can throw it in the trash on the way out. You can set it down on the front porch and leave it. But you have to begin to take action, I guess is what I'm saying. And you can't, my guess, Will, is in your heart and mind. I hear that little baby. I love that sound.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Will, I can imagine you're refusing to do to your kids what was done to you, right? I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Okay. And minimalism isn't always right. So you guys sitting down and deciding what do we want our house to feel like? What kind of world do we want to create together? There's always going to be a push-pull there, right? I'm a little bit of a prepper. My wife's a little bit of a rationalist. And then some weekends I want to be a minimalist and I want to throw everything away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
So it's always like a push-pull, right? It's a teeter-totter. And that's a good marriage, right? Y'all both holding each other in check. When Cindy's like, hey, we'll just strap the kids to the roof because I want to drive a two-seater. She needs a will in her life to say, hey, we need a Highlander, right? We need at least a couple of seats.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And then the other side of it is you're like, hey, let's buy everything. And she's like, hey, that's not wise for us financially, space-wise, and all that. So that's all good. That's all good, that push-pull and that tension. You don't want a tension-free marriage, right? Y'all want to be always negotiating and navigating these things together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
The bigger deal sounds like, because Cindy, tell me if I'm wrong, this isn't just about gifts. Because a mother like this eyeballs you every time you walk in the house, doesn't she? Absolutely. A mother like this makes sure you know how much better a job she did raising her precious will than you'll ever do raising your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Yep. And so, Will, in many ways, this is about Cindy feeling like she's still competing with another woman. Yeah, that's something to settle in here for sure. And it sounds like you are, and Cindy, I want you to, and I know you have, but I just want to say it out loud. I want you to understand the Herculean effort Will is putting forth in taking on his mom. That's a hard deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And that's what this show exists is for people to pull up a chair and just to look across the table from one another, um, and say, how can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And for you, it's like, I'm the wife. You're right. And that's still hard, right? And Will, I have to lean on you a little bit more and say, all right, it's time to start acting. And that's going to come with tears from your kid. That's going to come with dramatic tears from your mother-in-law. That's going to come with your dad having to make some hard decisions.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
I think there's some merit to that. I'm going to... I would love for you to send me an email when they actually move because I don't think they will.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
If she does, because it... Again, I hate talking about people's mothers, right? That's so dicey, right? And I feel scummy even doing this. It's like I'm breaking every code I learned in recess in fourth grade, right? A person with this limited scope of power. And what I mean by that is she has already exerted dominion over your dad. she had you under her thumb forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
How can I sit with you when whatever's happening is happening, whether it's in your homes, whether it's in politics, whether it's in your neighborhoods, whether it's in your schools, my promises, I'll sit with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. Um, Yeah, I'm going to stop talking because I'm going to get myself all fired up, man. Let's go out to Montreal, Quebec.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And then when you brought this other woman into the fold, your wife, she was like, oh, I'm going to run your marriage. I'm going to run your wedding. I'm going to run your kids. I'm going to run their gifts. It's rare that a person like that just withdraws what limited scope of influence they have on the world, right? And so by moving across the country, she's going to go back to just running away
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
the one person she's already exerted dominion over. So if she does do that, yeah, I mean, this problem solves itself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
Throw it in the trash, dude. Just don't open it. I mean, if she wants to just burn her net worth to the ground, go for it. Or don't throw it in the trash. That's bad form. Take it to a local shelter. Those kids don't have any toys. Take it to your local church and drop the toys off. Your three-year-old doesn't get a vote.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And I don't mean that to be ugly or mean, but your three-year-old doesn't get to decide the direction and influence on your home. Of course she loves grandma. Grandma buys her everything. Every day is Christmas. Every week is Christmas, right? So of course the three-year-old is going to love that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
The question I want you to ask yourself is, is grandma walking kid around, teaching kid things, showing your daughter things because she's trying to open your daughter's eyes to wonder and love and fun? Or is she saying, look what I bought my daughter. Look what I bought my – I mean my granddaughter. Look what I did. Look what I did. Look what I did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
And my guess is you've lived that and then you're watching it be repeated and it's hard to decouple it. All I have to say is to answer your original question, Cindy, your feelings are real and that's okay. Choosing to nag, not a good idea. It's not going to work. Choosing to complain all the time, it's not going to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
It's you and Will getting away for just half a day and saying, okay, our lives are all different now because we have two kids, two under three. So what do we want this house to feel like and look like? And then we get to decide that. And that's going to be how many toys we have in the house. That's going to be how many times we go down the street to see grandma and grandpa.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
That's going to be how we interact with cousins. It's going to be, how do we want this house to feel? And then we're going to reverse engineer our boundaries that way. And you guys have spoken your boundaries. Will, you've gone to battle for your family and I love it. Now it's time to begin acting. And yes, if they actually move across the country in a few months, fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tolerate My In-Laws for My Family’s Sake?
But you will deal with this again at some point. And maybe that's the space you need to begin to get a little stronger, a little stronger. I just want you to be prepared for it's going to feel bad when mom calls and says, I don't feel good because of you. You cut us off. You made us leave. You won't let me love my grandkid. And it's you, you, you. It's going to hurt, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I'm all right, man. It's good to speak with you, Dr. John.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Hold on. You're not all right. A bomb just went off in your neighborhood, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I know. I know. You don't have to do that with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Don't say yes, sir. Jeez Louise. Kelly's the old one here, not me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You're a blessing. I appreciate you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Give me a picture on the ground, man. Asheville, North Carolina is one of probably the top two or three places, favorite places in the United States for me. And it's a retreat for me and my wife. And my understanding is it largely doesn't exist right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I hope wherever you happen to be, you're doing okay. This show, we talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships. If you want to be on the show, it's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And I guess we will see who's right or who's wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I wouldn't wish what happened to you guys on anything, on anyone, right? And I grew up in Houston, so this kind of stuff was not regular, but man, we had some doozies too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And let me tell you though, when you watch the news, all that crap these days about how divisive it is and how people versus people, like there's something about experiencing what you're experiencing that has some sort of restorative effect. Like, I don't know, on the ground, neighbor going by neighbor. It's like, oh, dude, we're not nearly as divided as people we think we are, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
A little bit more, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Well, brother, how can I help you today, man? What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I don't think you look past it as much as you accept it. And here's what I mean by that. There's no proverb. That I finally sat down and confronted my anger. And she took off her mask and revealed herself as grief. I think that the worst of the worst has happened. And those friends, the people that you had psychologically leaned on as, if something ever goes down, I got these guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I'm sure the internets will let me know you were wrong or we're still waiting. Hopefully, hopefully, hopefully. Jeez Louise. All right, let's go out to Des Moines. Let's go out to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Paul. What up, Paul? Hey, John. How are we doing today? There we go. I'm doing great. How about you, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
They're not there. Yeah. And random people from middle school called you. Right? I find myself, anytime there's a tragedy, I find myself going through my phone and finding anybody and just being like, are you all right? If you're in my phone, I need to know you're okay. It's a weird thing I have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I just want to make sure you're okay. Are you okay? Right? And people will be like, dude, it's like 900 miles from my house. I'm like, I don't care. I saw it on the news. Are you all right? Right. So I get that. And then people don't call. Yeah, it's really hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
There's a psychological, I don't want to get nerdy about it, but when your neighbors are going door to door making sure everybody's got water and people are dragging all the, you've probably seen, you drive down the streets and there's just piles of cabinets and carpet and lawn furniture, like just piles of stuff in people's yards, yard after yard after yard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
There is a sense that we have work to do. And the body has a pretty amazing way of channeling, actually healing, resolving some of the impact, the psychological impact of we're just going about our lives and all of a sudden it won't stop raining and the town washes away through work, through work, through work. But the social and relational part, man, they didn't show up. They didn't even call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And your body's going to look for ways to be angry. A place to put that anger that, is this really the world that we live in that's so random that one afternoon my entire city is gone? Yeah, that's the world we're in, man. And so it's easy to look for blame, for anger, for rage. What I want to tell you, it's that old AA proverb. It's like drinking poison and hoping those buddies die.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
So, like when it comes to practical tips, I always, and if you listen to the show for any length of time, I'm always finding myself in recommending this in some shape, form, or fashion. I would write those guys a letter and not send it. I'm going to get that out of my body. I'm actually going to take an hour and write two letters per hour over a couple of days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Dear Tom, bro, my whole world imploded and you didn't even bother to call. Do you remember when we did this? Do you remember when I showed up for you here? And it's not a reinforcement mechanism as much as psychologically grounding yourself in this word that none of us want to sit in, and that's reality. This is the truth. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
One afternoon, my town got washed away, and you didn't even bother to call and see if I was okay. Very real. Yeah, I appreciate that. You just dropped your shoulders in that. Yeah, I definitely did. It just, it just like you didn't show up. And I now know where my energy is going to go moving forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Yeah, but let me throw this out there too, Felix. You're also spending a lot of energy by yourself with no distraction for the first time probably in years, maybe even in your lifetime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
No internet, no TV, no light to read by at night, just you and your thoughts. And if that gets thrust upon you, it's really easy to sit there and begin to create stories. And what you don't know is if those buddies texted and called and called and texted and got in their cars and drove and they faced roadblock after roadblock and had to turn back and had to turn back and had to turn back. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And they may have reached out a thousand times. And they may have heard from a friend of a friend. No, no, no. Felix is all right. I checked in with him. I went and saw him. He's good. And they were like, oh, thank God. And they're waiting for you to reach out that the power's back on. So here's the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You're literally creating a story in your mind, and then you're trying to solve for that story. And what I would suggest is if these guys are your close buddies, maybe pick up the phone and call and be like, bro, where were you? I would hope that my closest, closest ride or dies would give me that. Before they cast judgment on me, they would at least reach out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I'm grateful, man. Hope that outlook is a good one. Not a, not a sideways one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And just be like, bro, you didn't show up. And if they say, dude, I had my own crew. All right. Then they're, then they're, they're letting you know their true colors. Exactly. But you might hear, dude, we went, we, we went to hell and back trying to find you. And we found out through my friend of a friend, you are right. And we went to help so-and-so.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And you might even hear them say, dude, you're the toughest guy we know. Once we heard you were alive and your house was okay, we went to help so-and-so because he's still a day 90. Right. And so here's the meta here. Here's the overarching theme. Spend less time creating stories about other people and other situations and instead go right towards reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You used all the right, good, counselor-y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with, like day to day. What's up? Hey, everybody. This is John, the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well, and I hope the world you find yourself in is one where you're safe, when you're having fun, and you're finding some joy, some laughter somewhere in this wild, wild world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
ask the question, make the phone call, reach out or write that imaginary letter, burn it in your fireplace and be done. Right. But the more time you sit and just stew and spin and create story after story, after story, the more you are choosing to be miserable in the moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And then actually like move, then move, then move, then move, then move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
It's probably the same about work. It's probably the same about call. You need to call your mom. It's probably the same. You need to forgive your dad. Like it's probably a lot of those things that just, they just spin and spin and spin, make a list of them, dude. And when you're sitting there with day 18 with no power, like you, I mean, you literally have two choices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You can just start, you can start drinking again. And I'm using drinking metaphorically. You can just start trying to Xanax over your life again. Or you can make a list and be about action. I'm going to call that guy and see if he's really my friend. And right now, the story you've created, the story you're telling yourself is, his life is perfect. He's back at work just having a good old time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
He's laughing, having glasses of wine. His restaurant didn't get touched. And I'm over here with no food, electricity, no water. Maybe, but maybe not. I'm going to call you. You're my good, good, good right-of-the-eye friend. I've shown up for you. I'm going to call you. Maybe he was so scared he didn't know how to even pick up the phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And because you love him and you have a long 20-year history with him, you might pick up the phone and say, dude, the next time my city gets washed away, I expect you to be on my front porch. I don't care if you're scared or what. And he's like, all right, you got it. I failed you. I'm back. And that's forgiveness. Or maybe some of these buddies are just lame. They're just scumbags.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
They didn't show up. And you need to grieve that because you thought you were closer. And then we're going to brush our shoulders off and we're going to dust our sandals off and we're going on. Because I'm not just going to sit and stew and sit and stew and sit and stew. If you put meat in a crock pot, over time it just turns to mush. And I'm not going to do that to my spirit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I'm not going to do that to my soul. Felix, hey, brother. Thank you for the call. Give me a long rebuild, brother. You call me anytime, anytime, anytime. And I'm glad that you're safe. And I'm glad that you are showing up for your neighbors and your neighbors are showing up for you. We are praying for you guys there in Asheville and hope you'll reach out if you all need anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Blessings, my brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to the great and powerful Katie. Hey, Katie, what's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Doing all right. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Anytime somebody says they're curious of my thoughts, that means it's going to be a doozy. We'll see.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
That's such a big question. Um, there's several, there's, can I pull the threads apart here a little bit?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. um thread number one is this is your husband's dad and in almost every way i would follow his lead a thousand percent and so if he's not ready if he doesn't want to meet boyfriend then the family's not going to go meet boyfriend well can i add on to that real quick of course of course so he has four siblings he's one of four and all four have said to mom hey i'm not ready
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. So that's all you need to know about what mom thinks about her kids. And also, by the way, mom was hurting. The whole thing's a mess. And so here's what I want to do. I don't want to be in other people's heads judging why they're doing what they're doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
My guess is your mother-in-law is trying so desperately, frenetically to get back to quote unquote normal the way things were.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Just trying to lock it in. It's going to go back to the old ways. I'm going to be married. We're going to have a big happy family and then we can get all the grandkids back and everything's going to be the way it was. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And that's just part of the grieving process. Hopefully she doesn't run in and marry somebody. Dating somebody is fine. You get some scars doing that, but you learn, right? And you can exhale.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
If you just go marry somebody, it creates a whole other issue. But yeah, she's struggling and just like, look, here he is. He's great. See? And not trying to vomit all over her kids, but she did, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Yeah. So the first thing is I would let your husband walk through that. My hope is one day he can be happy that mom finds somebody new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And so he gets to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And at some point, mom may say, hey, here's one of my boundaries. I'm married now. This is my new husband. This is my new life. I want you a part of it, but I can't just take my husband and carve him out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
and so um hopefully they can negotiate that navigate those boundaries over time it's just it's just a messy season hasn't been a year yet right yeah yeah um here's the second thing tell me about you did you did you love this guy was he scary like tell me about your relationship with him i love that man dearly yes he was scary but i loved him dearly he's kind of a
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
So I think an important thing for you and your husband, and this is, y'all are the only people that you can manage in this moment, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Yeah, man. So you used all the right, good, counselor-y words. Or like the internet-y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with, like day to day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
If you haven't already, both of you need to write him a letter and read it to each other. Dear Bill. And in that letter, usually there's like, I often recommend people write three different letters. That might be a lot for you guys right now. But one of those, there has to be some sentiment about, I miss you. I pick up the phone to call you and I miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And there has to be a sentiment, a discussion about how angry I am. I can't believe you did this to us. And that's valid and it has to be expressed. And then the third thing that I always tell people is you have to write about what they're going to miss. Here's what you're going to miss. I'm going to be the most amazing wife to your son. You don't even know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You're going to miss the little league games. You're going to miss prom pictures. My son's going to miss getting to wrestle with his gigantic, crazy, bear-looking granddad. All that. You took that from us. And we're going to move on. And took that from, like that language is abrupt and hard when somebody dies by suicide, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
We're not trying to tell facts here. We're trying to let this stuff cycle through our body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And when you write a letter about, or you write a section of a letter about, so here's who I'm going to be. I will love your son till the end of time. And your husband might say something along the lines of, I will be the dad and the husband that you tried so hard to be and you were sick and you just couldn't be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. But what we're doing is we're giving our bodies an understanding that we are now turning our gaze, not back anymore, but we're looking forward now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And reading it together, as the great David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. It's important to write those letters, but you need to read them in front of somebody. And if he's really got gangster siblings, they all write a letter to dad and they all read them together. And they're going to be different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
My guess is with a dad like that, there's going to be four kids all over the spectrum when it comes to whose degrees of wellness, right? And degrees of how well they married, right? There's going to be some... Okay. So... That's what I would, because you need to grieve this. Your husband needs to grieve it. And since it was his dad, I always give him the $51.49. Like you make the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Are we going to Christmas or not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I would not introduce mom's boyfriend. Absolutely not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. I would talk about if it's still okay. Granddaddy got real, real sick and he died.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And we miss him so, so much. And whenever your kid brings up granddad, it's okay. I think it's healthy for you to look at your son or your daughter and to drop your shoulders and say, I'm so sad he got very, very sick and that he died. Mommy's very sad. And that way they don't feel crazy. I miss grandpa. Where is he? I miss him too. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And let them see almost an overexpressive, like demonstrative. Let them see your shoulders. Like record big. Let them see that in their mom and in their dad. And maybe bring them along and ask if they want to write a letter to granddad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Or draw a picture for granddad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Because we don't want those kids to learn in our house. If there's a tragedy, we don't talk about it. We keep it quiet and we bury it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You want to show them. I wrote a grownup letter to granddad. He's not going to be able to read it because he died, but I wanted some things I want to tell him. And when I get sad, this is what I, how I do it. You draw him a picture. He can see it from up in heaven, right? We're going to, we're going to use that kind of language.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
But we're teaching them life will hit us in the mouth a thousand different times over the course of our life, and we don't hold it, and it's okay to talk about it in this house, and it's okay to be sad, and grownups get sad, and dads cry, and moms get their heart broken and all that. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
But I just know the data, the stats on abuse, the stats on all that stuff, and I'm not putting my kids with boyfriends or any of that kind of stuff until I've firmly vetted those dudes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
The way you said that is the right way to say it because mom is going to say, this is my new husband. This is your new father-in-law. And your language was perfect, Katie. I don't know this man. Yes. He is a dude at a TJ Maxx. I don't know that guy. Yep. Right? Yep. And she might vet him. Doesn't matter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
At some point, if she marries him and it's going to be forever, your husband and in you, y'all can take him to coffee and do an interview before he has access to your children.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Like, I need to like, hey, you're marrying my mom with arms crossed. Tell me about yourself. Okay. He is guilty until proven innocent. Not really, but you know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Oh, yeah. And if he's a man of character and integrity, he enters that coffee, that lunch at Cracker Barrel with such grace and dignity and humility. And if he's a total prick and he's like, you don't talk to me that way, then it's all you need to know, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Can I just tell you, Sister Katie, I'm heartbroken for you. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Have y'all done a holiday yet? Have y'all done Christmas yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Y'all did a first Christmas without him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. My guess is last Thanksgiving, Christmas are somewhat watery, blurry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Yeah. This one's going to be real hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Nope. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to head directly into it. What does that mean? Make him a plate for Thanksgiving. Make him a seat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And everybody go around the table and say one thing they miss about grandma that they're grateful for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
At Christmas, put a stocking on the wall. we're not going to go through the rest of our life pretending that this powerful, important man didn't play an amazing role in our life. And also that we have so much guilt that we didn't know. We didn't say the right thing. We wish we had, we're just going to head straight into it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. Because otherwise there's going to be an empty seat at that table. There's not going to be any seat at that table and everyone's going to be thinking about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And secrets are what bury families in these moments.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
We're not doing secrets. Not at this house. We're going to have a seat for granddad and we're all going to say something we miss. And your kids are going to see mommy and daddy cry. But there'll be tears of gratitude at Thanksgiving dinner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Can I revise something I just said?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I would probably not put a plate there for a four-year-old. That's going to confuse that kid. He's too young.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I would go around the table and, um, say something that you're grateful for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
That you miss about granddad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. Don't put a table there. Cause he's going to be waiting because yeah, developmentally that four-year-old is going to be waiting for him to show up and he won't show up. That'll be too weird for him. Um, But I do think it's important to have a gratitude moment around the table during Thanksgiving and potentially have a moment at Christmas. Talk about Christmas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Talk about what Grandpa used to do before he got sick. He'd dress up like Santa and be silly and be goofy, or he would always bring candy. You guys don't remember this, but Granddad used to tell those stories, tell those stories, tell those stories. I'm grateful for you, Katie. I'm so sorry. Your kids are lucky to have you and your husband's lucky to have you. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Yeah, that's a great collision there in your house. And I guess if she was on the phone here, I think there's a tendency with people who are over-emoters and over-talkers. And you are currently talking to one right now. Yeah, yeah. I'm mostly speaking hyperbole and mostly am a lot. They can... I have an office, a little office-y, I don't know, complex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Is she the problem here? I'm going to say yes, she's the problem. And here's why. The way she asked the question, is it okay that she's upset that they don't do any chores? Of course. That they're not helping with anything? Of course she should be upset about that. But that's not where the problem is. The problem is they're all adults.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And for decades, they've had the same rhythms and routines and relationship dynamics. And so for her to reenter into those as housemates, And then pretend they're all going to suddenly change and pretend like she just keeps sticking her hand back in the bag and there's a rattlesnake in there and it keeps biting her. And she's like, stop biting me. And then she just shoves her hand back in the bag.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And at some point, the rattlesnake's a rattlesnake. Your sister that's 11 years younger than you just doesn't clean up. You can make peace with it or you can get frustrated by it. Here's the thing. She doesn't want to be their mother and she is 100% acting like their mother. Contempt always leads to you being alone, always, because contempt is hierarchical.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
It is you on top of a ladder looking down. I somehow am better than you and you might not think I'm better than you, but I'm raw. Yes, you're the problem. Here's why. Either move out or make peace with it. Your sisters are messy. Do the lawn work, lawn work, pay the bills or say, guys, I'm going to get my own place and I can keep it as tidy and clean and as I want to. That's my thought.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
What do you think, Kelly? It'd be so funny if you're like, you're an idiot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
That's for next show when Kelly calls in with all of her marriage drama. Tune in. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
There's a bunch of us in this one big giant room. And when I open the door, they can feel me coming in. They'll all yell, hi, John, before they even see me around the corner because I just come in such a lot, okay? It is easy for people like me, like your wife, to think we are somehow elevated or superior to those around us who are internal processors. Who are quiet or introverts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
There's a great book, and I forgot the author off the top of my head. It's called Quiet. And it may be a book that you all read together. It's really a phenomenal book. Kelly, can you look up who wrote that book, Quiet? She'll grab the author. But here's the thing. I want you to know I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Or you're not somehow malfunctioning unless, unless she is coming to you and saying, I can feel how angry you are and you're refusing to talk to her. But that doesn't sound like that's the situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Does she come from a pretty wild growing up? To say the least, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Now, I started laughing when you first started talking because as you were saying it, I wrote the word down regulation on my paper, on my notes here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
There you go. Yeah. So let's reframe it in this way. My guess is to some degree, and again, I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall here, but I think I'm right. Her being able to read a room kept her safe as a kid. For sure. That's how she knew when dad had a bad day at the office or if he was going to come in really angry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And his wife always was trying to ping pong around and figure out emotional regulation, who and what and how. And you've listened to the show. So I spent my career, my dad was a policeman. I grew up with that world, right? And that's been my professional world too. So I can imagine she's always walking into a room and trying to make sure she's okay to be there. For sure. And then you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Hey, Kelly, when is Election Day? Are we past it? We're recording this show early.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Then you, Paul. Here I come. You're just steady Eddie, right? I like to think so, yeah. Yeah, and so here's the deal. Over time, you will be the gift that her nervous system desperately needs. And let's be honest, she's going to bring some joy and excitement and fun It will never occur to you to jump up on a table somewhere and take your shirt off and make out and thank God you married her, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
For sure. Okay. You would just be like, let's look at spreadsheets and then go to bed, right? Like, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I know, I know, I'm being ridiculous. But here's the thing. Here's what, I'm going to give you a couple of easy passes, but I want you to see her when she says, you're not being emotional and I can't read you. That's her asking. Do you see me and am I safe in here? Sure. Yeah. She definitely uses that safety word. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
So what I want you to begin to practice with her are ways that you can communicate to her and remember behavior is a language that she's safe and she's loved. Well, you not betraying who you are, which is you're just not a demonstrative maniacal guy. Right. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And so sometimes that is as simple as – and people sometimes roll their eyes, but the feedback I get all the time working on an app, the feedback has been hilarious because it's like I never thought something this simple would be so transformative in my marriage. Sure. Simple things like SOS, skin-on-skin contact four times a day for about 10 to 15 seconds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
So I'm making a prediction. We still won't know who the president is because everyone's going to sue everybody and be mad. And you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Right when you wake up, we're just going to touch feet under the covers. or if you get up really early and she gets up a little bit later or vice versa, often people who are emotional regulators like her, um, get up really, really early because their bodies just snap them up because they got to make sure everything's okay. And maybe you sleep in. Is that, is that her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Yeah. Okay. Hard to go to sleep. Easy to pop up and open awake. Correct. Yep. Okay. So when you get up, Go straight for nothing else. I mean, obviously go to the bathroom or whatever, but before coffee, before anything else, put your hand on the back of her neck and give her a slow, long hug. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And then right before you go to work, put your hands on either side of her face and just put your forehead on her forehead. And the first thing you do when you walk in the door after work, you make sure your phone is away. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
and you just set down whatever you got or when she comes in I don't know your work schedules or whatever but when one of you comes in everything in your world stops and you go give her a 15 second hug sure and then before bed even after y'all have been like if y'all had sex even after all that right before you go to sleep before you just roll over and go to sleep
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
10 or 15 seconds of just skin-on-skin contact, okay? Sure, yep. It touches a high regulator, especially when there is an emotional, an energetic mismatch, if you will. Right. Okay? The second thing is I want you to press a little bit on being specific. Yeah. What do you need from me right now? How can I love you right now? I just need you to show something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
I'm feeling a landslide in my guts. I love that we can put this like down because we'll know, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Will you hold both of my hands and look at me? And she might not see it, but she'll feel it. Okay. Okay? And here's the third thing. You probably, at some shape, form, or fashion, want to try to solve her emotional dysregulation. Don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Don't try to solve her. She's not a broken engine. In fact, she is an extraordinary ball of feminine energy in your house. It's awesome. Right. And so let that light shine in your home and be so grateful that you married her and coming as a part of that, having that, that amazing ball of energy and light in your house, you're going to get burned sometimes. That's fine. Right. Right. So, okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
So those sounds so simple. Let's go for a walk. Let's do skin on skin contact. How can I love you today? You looking at her and saying, here's my promise to you. Anytime you want to check in with me, I'm okay. But you got to hold my hand to check in. Yep. Anytime you want to, we'll check in via hugs. Sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Like when I was talking trash about my Astros, by the time it published, your Rangers had won.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Another thing for emotional, dysregulated people, sometimes it's sex and sometimes it is amazing. Chit chat. Who makes dinner in your house? She does. Okay. Ask her if for 15 minutes you can just put all your stuff away and just sit in there and chit chat while she makes dinner. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
There is something about somebody being in another room while somebody's doing a project that begins to, the body gins up stories about what's going on in that other room and what's happening. And it's, is he going to come in here? He's going to be upset. I don't know who I'm going to get when I get it right. And it just kind of builds and builds and builds and builds and builds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
And then you are so gracious that you just got home from work and she's making dinner and you pop down at the table and it's on. Sure. And you don't even, like, what happened here, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Hey, you have been, she's been in a fight with you for 45 minutes, you didn't even know she was there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay, here's two things I want you to ask of her. Number one, please do not have imaginary conversations about me. Okay. Have them directly with me. Have practice, have the courage to have those conversations with me. And I will never make you feel small or little for asking those questions, whatever you're going to ask. Do you still love me? Do you think I'm beautiful?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
This weekend I was in Houston and one guy at the concert I was at, he was one of the sound guys, he had a shirt. And it was the Astros on it, but it just said Houston Cheaters. And it was... It was good. I tipped my hat to that guy. To wear it with 15,000 rabid metal fans and just to decide I don't care. It was awesome. I support that. But yeah, so this is out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
That's just her touching base and saying, am I safe here? Because I wasn't growing up, but am I safe here? The second one is ask her when you're giving her a hug or when y'all are making physical contact, will she commit to giving you the benefit of the doubt? Yeah. So when you ask a question, when you say a thing, when you bring something up, will she whisper to herself, he's on my team?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
He's on my team. Not, I can't believe, right? Because in her mind, she's always looking for a place where she's not safe and you're going to say the thing the wrong way and it's going to be proof to her nervous system that you are just like whoever else was in her life. Sure, yeah. Does that ring a bell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. And, dude, just for whatever it's worth, how old are you? 26 today, actually. Okay, great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Okay. Y'all are right where you need to be, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
You're not broken. You're not crazy. Y'all are going to figure out a way to communicate with each other over time if y'all work on... How can I speak in a language you can hear? And will you constantly let me know that I'm safe? and sometimes constantly letting people know I'm safe, is I'm seeing you work out. I'm seeing you come home from work sweaty and tired. I am seeing dinner on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
We are making flirty eye contact. You send me flirty texts all day. You laugh at my jokes. You chit-chat with me. You are always down for whatever sex stuff I'm into. Safety is established in all kinds of different ways in relationships, in romantic relationships, especially the key here is...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
Can we put it on the table what we actually truly need and not these proxy, you're not emotional enough or you're too emotional. That's why we love each other. Underneath that, do you see all of me and you still love me? Am I safe here? Am I safe here? Am I safe here? Paul, you're the man, dude. You're the man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
It's a bunch of tiny little fixes, not even fixes, tiny little adjustments in how y'all see each other and experience each other. And I think you're going to have an amazing long-term marriage, brother. And congratulations. You're in for a ride, my man. We'll be right back. All right, let's go out to Asheville, North Carolina and talk to Felix. Brother Felix, my man, how are we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Good folks, it's time to shift the focus from doing it all by yourself to knowing that we can only be well and whole when we ask for help. Thank you so much for having me. This month, start to build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Kelly was just singing, to the window, to the wall. Is that your favorite song?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I don't think that's true. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia and talk to Jimmy. What's up, Jimmy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
The way you made me smile, the way you said it, you were like, and then this and then this. And I just thought like, my pet's heads are falling off. Like it was like all the commute and the people and everything. Can I just take a second just to shout you out? Yeah. Jimmy from Philadelphia, just like...
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
fist in my chest I'm proud to be talking to you there's millions of men who just go home and they sit on their couch and they play video games and I take their call their calls of their exhausted frustrated wives and there's also millions of men out there working jobs that they hate because they have integrity and they're putting food on the table and they're taking care of their kids and taking care of their families and you're one of those men and I just want to shout you out
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
How long have y'all been where you are?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Home safety is important, right? Neighborhood safety is important. So I don't want to undermine that. But besides basic safety and besides like a good community, One of the greatest gifts dads can give their kids is stability. Or the other way I would say that is not stability and we never move and not stability as in they don't ever know that there's challenges, but stability as in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
There's not an inferno raging inside my chest at all times. My daughter was making fun of me last night. She was like, why are you so stern when you get home? And I'm like, I'm not stern. She goes, you're a fake. And she rattled off and my wife started dying laughing. She's like, she's totally right. And I was like, really? And she's like, yes. And bro, I'm running a scam here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I'm a YouTuber for God's sakes, man. So I have no reason to be stern when I get home. So I guess... I guess there's two things here. Number one, you know this, I know this, I just want to say it. This is just a season, man. It's winter and it's cold. I promise you spring's coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
So you know that, but I'll reiterate, it's not true. Okay. You're one of the good ones. And for all of human history, men went off to war and they didn't go for seven-month deployments. They just went for years until the war was over or until they were dead. And so for some reason, we've got this weird illness in our culture called passion disease where it's like, it's not my passion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I don't care, man. At some point, we have to take care of our families. And that's just the season you find yourself in. So you have two choices, not two choices, two things that I think can really help here. Three things, three things. Number one, keep applying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Okay, but I want you to bound it. Here's what I mean. If you're like me, and I've had a couple of jobs where I got to a point where I had to go. I knew I couldn't be there anymore. I applied for jobs in the morning. I was looking at the, at the trades to try to find new places to go during lunchtime at nighttime. When my kids were watching TV, I was sitting next to them scrolling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
My wife would go to bed. I'd be up all night and I would make myself insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Think of that like a pornography addict who keeps going to the next scene or think of that as somebody who's always looking for another hit. You're not actually looking for a job at that point. You've activated a fight or flight response, and your body's saying we have to do something right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Here's how you bind it. Here's how you put a boundary on it. You say, I'm going to apply for five jobs a week, period. Okay. And I'm not going to scroll through them like pornography. I'm going to find five jobs, and I may not apply for five. I may apply for three, but I'm going to have two cups of coffee, so I'm going to count that as my five or ten or whatever your number is, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And when that's over, your discipline is I'm going to close this laptop until the next Monday. Okay. Okay? Here's the second thing. And this is going to sound so woo-woo and cheesy, but I want you just to go with me on it, okay? You're from the Northeast. I'm from Texas. You and I both don't have any room for woo-woo, but I want you to do this for me, okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Why are you trying to get me canceled? We've had a good run so far, Hannah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I want you to take a note card, like go to Walmart or Walgreens. They're 99 cents for like 150 of them or something. I want you to get a note card. And when you get to work and when you leave work for 30 days, one month from today, I want you to have written down three things that you've never noticed before.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Yep. Not even a gratitude list. Just three things you've never noticed before. I've not noticed how many curly phone cords we have in this place. I have not noticed how stained up the carpet is. I've noticed how good it smells in here. And here's what I'm, here's what that does. Like, so, and I'm going to give you like a really horrific analogy, but I'll bring it back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Whenever I would show up to a house and somebody had just walked inside and a loved one had passed away or they had just experienced a shooting and there's like a real tragic, wild situation where their bodies are spinning out like mad. I would literally hold their hand And grown men, anybody, hold their hand and we'd walk down the street and we would count cracks in the sidewalk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Or we would count leaves on the curb. And all I was trying to do was get somebody from this state of, I won't go through the parasympathetic, but get somebody from their body is taken over for them because they're dying. There's a threat to, no, I'm here now. I'm okay. I'm all right. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And what that does is it takes you from, I hate this, I hate this, I hate this, and then you become somebody that you're not. Oh, yeah. Instead of, look how nasty that carpet is. And then you just kind of chuckle and go on about your job. Okay, just observance of things I haven't noticed. I just want you to write down those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And what it will do is it will increasingly make you more present, more mindful of the world that you exist in. And it's easier to exhale when you're on your own feet. Okay. Okay, here's the third thing. I want you and your wife to sit down and be honest about, we just moved to this new house and it was cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
One of the hardest conversations I've ever had with my wife, and I've had some doozies, was when I, after living in a home for maybe six months, I said, we've made a terrible mistake. We've got to sell this house. And my wife sobbed. I was wrong. I should never have bought the house. I did. And it was a whole thing. And within five more months, we had put on the market and we sold it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And looking back, that was the spark that changed our entire financial lives. It changed my mental and emotional life. It changed everything for us. But that was one of the hardest conversations of we thought this was the next right step for successful people, and we bought into a lie. We got to sell this house. Okay. Okay? And so I want you all to sit down and create. Okay? Forget the job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Forget the home we just bought. Forget the imaginary quote-unquote good neighborhoods that you always told yourself you were going to give your kids because you didn't have that growing. All that. Forget all that. Where do we want to live? What do we want to do? What do we want this house to feel like when I get home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And let's start working towards that because my fear is you're going to get a new job and it's still not going to be the job that it would be the two jobs ago that you had that was a good job that then went under. And so you haven't grieved that one yet. And then you're going to be on to the next one. And then what you're going to find is every job you get, you go with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
That's right. So find the life that you and your wife want to create. And maybe she's dying to tell you, yeah, dude, this is way too much workage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Like it was cool, it's cool, we did it, but let's sell this house while the market's still, let's sell this house and it's still on market and let's move to a smaller place or let's move to Kansas or let's, we've always wanted to go to Arizona, let's just go to Arizona.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You're not that old. You're 43. You're like at my age. What was the app? Please say it was Tinder. Please say it was Tinder.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Like whatever it is y'all want to do, begin to have that conversation and then the job will be in service to that life, not just the next thing. Because I want you to go to something, not from something. Okay. That makes sense. And, by the way, if this job is killing you, if there's unethical practices, if they're being abusive, bro, walk out the door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But if it's just annoying and that your coworkers are TPS report people, literally on my show team, one of the guys is the president of the chess club where we work. That's the truth. Another guy is like one of the leaders in the Dungeons and Dragons club. That's 100% true. And the producer of my show is 107 years old. Like, you don't always get to pick the people you're talking about, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
People I work with, they're amazing. They're awesome. But, like, if it's just annoying, then there comes a moment when you're like, yeah, whatever, dude. I'm not going to give you all hate. Just suck it up and do it. It's not even about that. It's not suck it up and hold it, right? So even the idea of, like, I'm just going to suck this up. No, I'm not going to give you all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Like, Michael Singer calls it detachment. Jocko calls it good. Like either what, whether you're a Navy SEAL or you're like an existentialist, like you're a, you're a, like a mindfulness practitioner. The practice is I'm not going to give you all my hate. Y'all aren't worth that. Okay. Okay. If you hurt my kid, I'll give you my hate. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Except for his face. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Taking calls from real people going through real challenging times, man. Trying to figure out what's the next right move for their life. With their relationships, their mental and emotional health. Whatever you got going on in your world. Hey, if you're a regular, please take 10 seconds to subscribe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But if you're just an annoying place to work, but y'all are putting food on my table, I'm going to show up here. And what I will give you is my, my excellence and my dignity. Cause you don't get my character either. Like the whole quiet quitting thing was not a middle finger to the bosses. It was a middle finger to the mirror. It was a bunch of people who cashed out their integrity. Okay. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And so I'm just not going to give you all that. And the commute's awful. Commute sucks. All right, cool. I'm going to listen to more books on marriage or more books on architecture. I'm going to become a book listening guy. Okay. Right. Or I'm going to call five of my old college roommates at one, one every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And I'm, we're just going to talk on the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
All right. So 43, did you see him and you swiped right? Yep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Like you get to pick, but if you can find play and find goofy and find absurdity in annoying moments, you win life. Okay. Does that make sense? Yup. Yeah, it does. I know this is kind of a beating dude. Cause it's kind of like, dude, my job's just awful. I get that, man. I don't want to like, I don't want to paint it to a picture that it's not. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But what the research says over and over and over again is those that find joy and happiness from the inside out, not the outside in, they win, man. They win. They just win. And that's what I want for you. Most of the people who go from job I hate to job I hate to job I hate really are running for themselves. That's not you, obviously. But, man, I just want to applaud you again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You saw that your current job was a sinking ship. You jumped off the lifeboat. You got into the next safe boat. Man, I don't like this boat. It doesn't smell good in here. People are mean on this boat. But this boat is putting food on my family's table. And maybe this is a good moment for us to rethink how we're doing everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But all of these things put you back in the driver's seat of your life instead of you feeling like you're being drug around by a job you hate. Get back in the driver's seat, brother. Appreciate the call, Jimmy. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about train well. Listen, there's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
There's just health. It all works together and everything's connected. It's almost impossible to be whole in one area and struggling in another. So if you're ready to make positive physical changes that can help restore some sort of wholeness to your entire life, check out TrainWell. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To get started, you just need to answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to go get to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. And I love the workouts. My wife loves them. We both love how they adapt to our travel schedules. TrainWell is awesome. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes exercise easy. And they can do it for you. If you're ready to start taking control of your health,
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. Right now, they have a special offer just for my audience, $69 a month when you lock in your plan. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash deloney right now. That's trainwell.net slash deloney. We are back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Let's go out to Norfolk, Virginia and talk to Anna. Not Hannah or Banana. What's another one? Manna? Fanta? Santa? Let's go out to Anna. What's up, Anna?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Oh, dude. My last name rhymes with the processed lunch meat. I'm with you, sister. I'm with you. It's a rough childhood.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
That was a lot of... If you weren't calling about phone usage, I would say, man, you are somebody who scrolls a lot. You've got all the right word salad-y things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I can tell. You're a great overthinker, and overthinkers love overscrolling. All right, so get me beneath it. What's happening in your house? What happened that you decided to call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Your husband keeps saying, Hey, you're on the phone all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Seven to nine hours on the phone overseas by yourself. That phone was an amazing gift from the technocratic gods. Why was it a gift?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Hold on, hold on, hold on. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're just repeating Jonathan Haidt clips. Why was that phone a gift to you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
There you go. It kept you from running on into the ocean and not coming back, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
So let's just call it what it is. The phone saved your life. Stop going to war with it. Okay? Because here's what you did. You had two broken ankles and a blown out ACL. And you went to your husband and you said, I'm using these crutches way too much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And instead of going to see a physician, see a surgeon to get your ankles fixed and your knee fixed, you just had your husband lock up your crutches. The phone was never the problem. It becomes the problem because those... Bastards are so good at their addictive nature to them. But that's not the problem. The problem was I'm so desperately lonely. I can't breathe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I know. I'm just being ridiculous. And by the way, if this was flipped, I couldn't do this because it would be like the internet people would be murdery. But okay. So tell me about it. Yeah. I'm being ridiculous, but go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And I'm stuck in this house with this child that everyone says you're supposed to love. You're supposed to be so grateful for. And no human is ever supposed to be locked in a house with a screaming child alone. That has never happened in human history until like a few years ago. It's madness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Now it's a habit. It's an automation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Hold on. Can we go beneath that for a second?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I think you're surrounded by people, but I think you're still dreadfully lonely. And I think you've told yourself, I'm not lonely because look at all these people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Do you think their life is better because they get to be friends with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Don't be sorry. Take a breath. You're good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Don't stop. You keep shooting and trying and I have to just be for a second. You've never had somebody tell you, God, I'm so glad that you're my life. And so give yourself a moment. You get to practice sitting in that seat. You've never been in that seat. And it's kind of like when I stare at my nine-year-old and I'm like, hey, look at me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And she goes, she looks at me and I said, you are the most beautiful woman, the beautiful girl I've ever seen. And she goes, dad. But look, she has to look away because the laser of how much I love her, it burns too bright for her right now. And that's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Yeah. How much are you on your phone? Seven to nine hours. What are you, or what are you at now? Two hours a day?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Okay. So you have a 60% reduction. If you were trying to lose a hundred pounds and you lost 60 of those, would people be cheering you on? Yes. Okay. They'd be screaming and yelling. Yay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
That's right there. You just said it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You have put him, and maybe he asked this of you, but he is not your husband. He's your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And I don't know how y'all got in that role, but he's your father. And I don't know what your home life was growing up, but I can almost guarantee you that you were never enough for him either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
There you go. And dad didn't show up and protect you and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, you're my daughter. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. I love you. You're awesome. That didn't happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Okay. And so we're going to forgive and we're going to let that stuff heal. But you're chasing a ghost with your husband. He's not your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Can you get addicted to phones? Yes. But it's not like cocaine. You just throw your phone away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I know, but listen... let the phone be the same. And I'd be having this conversation with someone who's drinking, who suddenly finds themselves in a really robust, amazing community. And they only have to drink when they go home. They only have to drink when they're around their parents. I would not, the drink isn't the problem there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
The drink is the flashing light on the dashboard saying this part of your life is not safe. It's not okay. and you started this call telling me how wonderful everything is with your husband except for this one thing I call bull crap on a stick. It's not. It's not. You have to believe that for yourself because that's what keeps you safe. Fair or not, fair or unfair. True or false? False.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Do you agree on everything he wants you to agree on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Dude, I feel like your whole sweater is just unraveling and you're just holding a ball of yarn and you're like, no, no, it's a sweater. It's a sweater. All right, here's the hard truth. Here's the hard reality, the hard truth. You can't have a good marriage if you're married to your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And you can't have a good marriage if you're married to someone that says, well, I won't want to be your dad, but you just keep acting like a child, so I got it. That's not a marriage. You're trapped.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You can, you can, y'all have to have a, a, a level set, a change. You've got to be honest about why is my home the least safe place that I inhabit? Is it the way he talks to you? The way he demands of you? The way he says, no, this is what we believe. Or if you say, hey, this food at the restaurant's not very good. I don't like this. And the waitress comes over and says, everything good?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And he goes, we're fine. We're good. I don't know what it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Okay, perfect. I love that you said that because I want to like this guy, right? I really do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
He's amazing. He's crazy about this. Maybe that's the thing. Maybe he feels like you put him, the first time you said, hey, I'm an addict. I need you to put these restrictions on. He said, okay, I'm a lover, and I need to listen to my wife, and the best way I can love her is to do whatever she asks me. I'm going to do this. And so he's trying to do what you ask him to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
He didn't want to be doing it. You don't want to be. Maybe that's the case. I don't think you're a I think walking around with a label that I'm an addict. It's not helping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I don't think it's intellectually honest. I think underneath it, I want you just to look at the places in your life where you find yourself reaching for your phone. And if you have the self-awareness, what you just said is really powerful. To me, it's the little dotted light in the dark on the path that is where you need to walk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And that is sitting down with your husband saying, okay, I lived my whole life terrified to walk in my front door because of my dad and my mom. And I'm so sorry, but I, because of my nervous system, Home is still a place I'm not comfortable and I'm dedicating 2025 and 2026 to learning and practicing being comfortable in this house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
So every week you and him are going to hold hands and do something really schmoozy. Like ask each other, how can I love you this week? What's the most loving thing I could do for you this week? What does safety feel like this week? And you are going to have to do the hard work of saying, this is what makes me feel seen. This is what makes me feel safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And I'm almost going to promise you that phone usage will go away. It just will fade out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Yeah, I think you, A, take all the restrictions off your phone. And people listening are like, what? Take them all off. Take them all off. You're a grown-up. You made humans. And then number two, make some really firm, put some hurdles in your way, as they say. James Clear says, make some friction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
So when I walk in my house... In fact, if you and your husband want to do something kind of cheesy, go to Home Depot and get some wood and y'all create like a really fancy box together and get a YouTube video and y'all make a birdhouse but kind of convert it. And it'll be awful and janky.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Of course he is because he's a freaking awesome guy. No, I was talking bad about him. I'm not saying he's great. Make an amazing box that when you walk in the door, the phone goes in the box.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I don't need to get all these rigamarous and all these special apps and time. No, I'm putting the box just goes in there. And that way, the only time you get it is when you need it. When I have to make a call. When I need to check on a map. And then it goes back in the box. And you being present with yourself, every time you want to go check it, ask yourself, just stop for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You're looking for a millisecond between I want to grab the phone and I'm going to grab the phone. Just a millisecond. And all you're going to ask is, all right, what's going on right now that I started to grab for that? What is it here that's making me feel unsafe? Is it because there's dishes in the sink and I think my husband's not going to like me? Because that's not true. That's dumb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Is it because the laundry's not done and because I've been wrangling these kids all day and I'm going to assume that my husband's going to think I'm gross and not a good wife? That's dumb. And you can challenge those thoughts without holding your phone. And so the second one is carrying something with you. Look, you can't see this. You can't see it unless you're watching this on YouTube.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I literally on my desk have the thing that I carry with me at all times. I've got a bunch of stickers on. I try to make it all tough and hard because I'm insecure. But like I have it right here and you can doll yours up however you want to. But it's like nine bucks I got at Walmart. But I just carry it. And when that little voice pops up like, oh, you suck at being a dad or I can't believe you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I just write it down. Get out of my head. It's not true. Does that make sense? And then here's the other thing. Last night, my wife and I were having kind of an argument, disagreement, and I just got back in town from a quick trip up north to Michigan, and there's all this awesome candy up in Traverse City with cherries and all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Okay, so I'm going to free you from everything, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I bought a whole thing of sour cherries, and I looked at my wife and said – I'm going to eat my feelings for a few minutes. And she rolled her eyes and laughed. But I was mindful about, I'm going to go do something that's going to make me feel not that great, but it's going to... She goes, what are you really doing? And I go, these things make sadness go away. We both died laughing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And I had about half of what I normally would have had if I'd mindlessly ate them. And then we went on about our... Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Okay, listen, part of your feeling safe in your own house is you look at your husband and say, I need you to stop calling me a kid because I'm not a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Just because somebody has a good resume doesn't mean you have to hire them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
We all act like kids. That's the best part. That's the best part of being an adult. I can go to Taco Bell whenever I want to. The best part of being an adult is when somebody's chair makes a fart noise in a meeting that I get to laugh really – it's the best. It's the best.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Y'all have drawn this artificial boundary inside your own home between this is what grownups – grownups take care of their responsibilities. Grownups pay their bills on time. Grownups don't owe other grownups money. Grownups don't wear jerseys with teenage names on the back of them and cheer for college. They don't do that, right? That's what grownups do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But, dude, when it comes to like laughing and having joy and being silly and being intentional, but in your house, it's the labels and the name calling. And my guess is you got labeled as a troublemaker. You got labeled as that kind of girl by your mom. You've been called names your whole life, and you're just used to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And I think part of you feeling safe in your own house is saying, hey, stop calling me names. If you see me doing something, I don't want you labeling it. That's a childish behavior. I don't want to hear that. I want you to get beneath it and say, hey, he needs to say, not, whenever you're acting like a child, get on your phone. Say, hey, I miss you. Me and the kids miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And just because you made some artificial checklist that he matched nine out of 10. Let me tell you something crazy. When I was 18 years old, and by the way, it's not apples for apples because you're experienced and you've been through pain and you've been down the aisle before. You've done all that. So it's not quite apples to apples.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I feel like you're tuning us out. That's the adult way to answer that. Not just, I'm taking your ball and I'm going home. That's a child acting on a child. But I have a feeling that you've brought these labels. I'm an addict. I'm a this. I'm a this. I'm a child. Help me, help me, help me. And I think your husband's probably done the best he can with what he's got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And so let's reset this whole thing. Here's the things that make me feel not safe in my own house. And he gets permission to say his, right? Well, it makes me feel unsafe. Let's make a box together, make a commitment. When I'm in the house, the phone goes in the box. Phone doesn't come in our bedroom. When a child walks in the room, the phone goes down no matter what I'm doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I always make eye contact with kids. And let's start with some of those basic things. Ask yourself, what is this phone trying to protect me from? Don't just run around kicking out your crutches because they serve a role. Let's get to the root here. And I think you're onto something. I think the root is I want to feel safe in my own house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And you just got to give yourself some grace and learn how to do that because you've never felt safe in your own house. And by the way, In your house, not everybody's house, but in your house, the name calling's got to stop. The labeling's got to stop. We've got to get to the root causes. Thanks for the call, Anna. Thanks for the call. Thanks for the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, the book I wrote. I think it's going to be a pretty great roadmap for you and your husband. In fact, I'm going to send you two copies. I want you to read them together and do kind of a little husband-wife book study with it. I think it's going to help with the labeling challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I think it's going to help with all these actions moving forward. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right, all right, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress, the one you have at home. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing, comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on, Helix.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And let me tell you this, my Helix mattress has helped me start to get to sleep faster and sleep deeper so I wake up more refreshed. Helix has mattresses for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot, if you've got spine concerns, if you lie on your back, your side, or your stomach, or whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But when I was 18, I made a list because some goofball told me like, the world's going to take everything. You better make a list of what your non-negotiables are. I made a list of my future spouse. like 10 things. My wife had two of 10. My wife of 23 years had two of them, and one of them was be a beautiful woman. There was one trait that she had that I thought I had to have on this magical list.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Helix offers a hundred night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So right now I want you to stop, take two minutes. I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. I did it. You can do it too. It will help you find the perfect mattress and you can buy it right now. And they'll even ship it straight to your door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Right now, Helix has a special March sale that's tied into that big basketball tournament. So to celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and Cinderella's, you can get 20% off site-wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Am I the problem, Kelly? Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Every once in a while, Kelly, I think as a species, we're going to make it. I think we're going to turn the corner. And then I remember... There's guys like this in the world. This can't be real. I have no reason to believe it's not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Oh my gosh. This segment is actually brought to you by Preparation H because I now have hemorrhoids after hearing that. They just happened just now. They just did. Like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
No, he is not the problem. No, he's not. I think he is his friend in kindergarten.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
No, I'm going to. Yeah, I'm taking my ball.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Yeah. This can't be real, but I don't think it's fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And second of all, shut up. And then his third.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Shut up. Like your friend asked you to pick up some tickets. You're going to go to a game. And by the way, here's the other thing. If he was your friend, I'm thinking of my friend Trevor right now in Dallas. I just picked a random friend. I said, hey, Trevor, I got two front row seats to the Mavericks game. I'd rather set myself on fire than do that. But let's say I did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I got you. So if I called Trevor and said, hey, I got two seats. Me and my wife are flying in. We're going to go sit courtside at this game. would you go grab those tickets for me? He'd be like, of course I will. He's not even going. You know why? Because he's my friend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And the fact that a friend would be like, if you're really my friend, you'd give me part of the handkerchief, whatever goody bag. What is happening? We're doomed, everybody. If you're listening to the show, like and subscribe, and it might be the last thing you do. We're doomed. God help us. See you guys next time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Now, like I said, your list will be different than mine because you've been there. But yes, attraction is a huge part of it. And yes, attraction grows over time. I don't know if attraction grows over time, but its importance in... It's importance fades in my experience, not my personal experience, but just in talking to people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But yes, I think the quote-unquote looking right or not handsome, is he overweight a little bit? Is that the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And so I don't think this has any new attraction, Hannah. I really don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I think the vibe's just not there and that's okay. Can I go one layer deeper?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You waited so long, so careful. You found someone that you like talking to. You've bought into the lie that nobody out there has my values. All guys want is 27-year-old women who... By the way, all that is nonsense. Nonsense. It's just algorithmic nonsense. Okay? But... You put yourself out there and then you met somebody who's kind of cool, but just not your guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And I bet you've spent hours agonizing over what is it, the thing that he's missing that doesn't make him the guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Hannah. Yeah. You don't have to lead with... That's not – having a special needs child makes you freaking amazing. It's not a liability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Hit the like button, the five-star review thing, whatever you have to do to tell your little digital device that you're in our gang. It makes such a humongous difference. Big time, big time. We have some... It's extraordinary shows coming your way this year. And I'm so excited about the burst on some of them. But we'll just have to let them be secrets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I know because some people aren't – it's not about it being a liability. It's the same as in their world. Like when they say, hey, here's what I'm looking for for the next 10, 15, 20, 30 years of my life, caretaking isn't on that list.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Now, if somebody says, I think special needs kids are, and they have this whole list of evil things, then I would like to take you to some of my friends who still are professional MMA fighters. And I'd like you to spend a couple of afternoons with that, right? That's one thing. But if somebody says, hey, I think you're amazing. My mother is 82 and she's going to be moving in with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And that's not what somebody wants for the next 30 years of their life. I'm not going to begrudge them that. And Hollywood said, love will find a way and I'll get on a boat and I'll just meet you and we'll hook up in the back of a car and I'll die for you. That's just not reality. But here's what is reality. Here's what is reality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
A bunch of people getting back out there and settling and then resenting the person they're with because they didn't have the courage to say, this isn't really the life that I want to sign up for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
So I think you're amazing. Yes. I think you're amazing. So he did a good move. He's a good salesman. So it's like you test drove a car and he was like, and you're like, ah, I'm going to, this isn't really the one for me. And he's like, how about this? Just take it for the weekend. Take it home. Like he's good. Right. He's like, I just want to stay friends. I just want to stay friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Um, and I think, um, like he's like old dumb and dumb. Like, so you're telling me there's a chance, right? That's fine. Cool. Um, But as long as you keep your integrity about you and you don't hide the fact that you're going out again and maybe you get to a point where you're like, hey, if you want to be my friend, I'm going to talk to you about people I'm dating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And if he's like, oh, he opts out of that, then he can opt out of that. But I think this may have been the most perfect situation for you to get back out there. A really wonderful guy, a kind guy. You got to kind of... I almost said something that if I was listening to my own show, I'd have been like, whoa, that's not what I meant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You got to go out and hopefully hold hands with somebody and hopefully kiss somebody and hopefully feel. You haven't felt somebody else in six years, right? And so hopefully you got to go do that and exhale. And so now kind of the stars and the sparkliness has kind of wore off and you are remembering, oh, there's a reality to this. There's a day in, there's a day out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
There's a picking up somebody's underwear. There's a fight about the this and you got the extra complexity. I've got a child that needs some extra caretaking. And so cool. It's just not going to be this one. And so it sounds amazing. At least you didn't go back out and fall head over heels for some smoke show and find out he's a serial cheater. Or you didn't go out and find another jerk, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
But here we are. I think everybody who's dating needs permission to say, you're awesome, and this just isn't for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And that's okay. You don't need to apologize for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And also, I challenge everybody to be open to completely falling head over heels for somebody that doesn't fit your picture of what you think beauty is or what you think masculine attraction is. And I just tell you that one of the funniest moments of my adult life was being 19 years old. My wife's brother introducing us. He was a friend of mine. And he's very, very awesome. He's very pragmatic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
If you want to be on the show, if you got something you want me to sit with you and we'll figure it out. 1-844-693-3291. Do you even have to dial one anymore? Is that a thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And he said, you're probably going to marry my sister. We can't be friends anymore, but y'all should date. And she had... jeans pulled up way too high, a brown braided belt. I had, I either, I had really long hair or I'd shaved my head completely off. Or maybe I even had a Mohawk at the time. I probably hadn't bathed in two weeks and we both looked at each other and we're like, yeah, no, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And, um, I think she's stunning after a quarter century together. I think she's stunning. And she tells everybody that she bought really low and I'm a stock that finally matured, right? So like she just bought low and the stock rose in value. So all I have to say is I also want people to be open too because I know it's easy in the swipe right world. Just keep swiping, swiping, swiping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Dude, if somebody, I love what you did. They meet all these criteria. I'm going to go hang out. And I think that just adds to the fun. Can I challenge you to enter into this new season with your hands not clenched tight?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
You've done a ton of work. You lost a lot of weight. You did a lot of healing. You know what I want you to have? Have some freaking fun. You're a special needs mom. You have no fun in your life. Have fun. Have fun. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Go have a good time. Go have a good time. Hold hands. Kiss boys. Like, fun, fun. We don't have enough... The world's on fire, literally. Let's find joy where we can. Let's find fun where we can. And I know I'm overstating it, and I don't even know what I would do if something happened to my wife. I can't even wrap my head around that psychologically, but...
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Yeah, I'm kind of glad this is the guy you got your first rodeo back on the circuit. Sounds like he was a pretty cool guy, treated you well, and there was not a spark there. It's all great. It's cool. Swipe right. Thanks for the call, Hannah. You're awesome. Go get them. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
All right, we got to talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days, all of us. I wish this wasn't the case, and the internets don't care what I wish. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the Internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I thought they're going to put people on the moon. They already figured that out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of the things that we have on the Internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives now take place on the Internet, it's simply become normal to just give away our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I recently looked at the reports my friends at Delete.me have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers that may have my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
All right. So 844-693-3291. I don't know. Put a one in front if you have to. I don't even know if you do anymore. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Knoxville, K-Knoxville, Tennessee, and talk to Hannah. What's up, Hannah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
Delete.me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. We can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with delete me. Get protected with delete me today and get 20% off all of their plans.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
And that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to join delete me.com slash Deloney right now. That's join J O I N join delete me.com slash Deloney. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, I talk about this all the time, but here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
I was born and raised in Texas, and I love the myth of the Lone Ranger, Lone Cowboy, the guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves all their problems by himself or herself. It's a fun, great story, and it's a lie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
In a society that's obsessed with your diet and your workout routine and your mental health and your job and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone. Whether you're introverted, extroverted, or whatever internet-based relationship style you want to give yourself, we all have to have a community and a support system to do life with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Will you do one last thing for me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to write nine-year-old Barry a letter. And tell him that you're so sorry that his mama treated him like that and his dad walked out. I want you to tell him that that little boy is loved and that you're going to grow up and you're going to fix it. You're going to be a dad that shows up for all five of his kids. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Man, that's a big question, dude. What precipitated the question? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to let that little boy go play. That little boy needs to go have fun and not have the stuff get threatened to get taken away from him. He needs to go get a job and learn how to save and give and spend some of his money. A little kid needs to learn how to laugh and play. He's got his whole life to get beat down by the system, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
As a kid, man, he needs mom and dad to love him and show up and that didn't happen for you. But that little kid's still trying to defend you and protect you. You got to let that kid go play. People ask me how to do that. Sometimes that's holding a picture of yourself as a young kid and writing that kid a letter. Sometimes that is taking a picture of your mom, Barry, and put it in your back pocket.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And every time you want to snap at your kids, every time you want to yell at your wife, every time you want to just grab your phone and disappear, I want you to pull that picture of your mom out and look at it and say, hey, mom, I'm going to beat down on my kids just like you did on me. We're going to do this together. And then you're going to realize real quick, no, no, no, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm not letting her into our house anymore. She's out. I'm going to learn these new skills. I'm going to go get it. I'm proud of you, Brother Barry. The light came on for you. We're going to get a routine and we are going to stick with it. We're going to ask our wife. You're going to ask your wife, how can I love you today? And I'm going to let you in. How can you love me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Inch by inch by inch, we're going to walk this thing out. I'm grateful for you, brother. You call me anytime. We'll be right back. Okay, let's talk about Organifi. Listen up. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey. It's an adventure. And for most people, that journey can be tough, filled with ups and downs. And that's why I love Organifi.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
They make it super easy to make healthier choices about what you eat and what you drink. And right now, they're making it even easier with the Organifi Starter Kit. For those of you still on the fence about whether to get Organifi or not, it's a great way to sample Organifi for not much money. With code DELONI, they'll give it to you, all of it, for 40 bucks right now, including shipping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
By who? Your wife? My wife. Okay. My wife. Is she right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Listen, the starter kit is like Organifi's greatest hits. seven days of green juice travel packs to boost your energy and calm your mind, seven days of red juice travel packs full of antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery, and 30 days of essential magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And if you get in on the starter pack right now, they'll also send you a branded Organifi shaker bottle. for free. So make Organifi's whole food blends and top quality ingredients part of your health and wellness adventure, just like I have. Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% off all of their products with code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, let's talk Cozy Earth, the makers of the best bedding, sleepwear, and bath linens in the world. So if you're like me, your New Year's resolutions are hanging on by a thread, and your body is redlining from all of the new exercise and new eating habits and all of the back-to-school activity, all of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay. All right. Good on you for owning it. All right. So keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I'm all about go, go, go, go, but we all have to remember rest is vital for our overall health. And though I like to go hard, when I rest, I like to rest right. And for me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. And Cozy Earth has a great Valentine's Day sale for her and him going on right now. So there's never been a better time to experience Cozy Earth's bedding and pajamas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
They're soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. perfect for the sleep and the rest we need to be re-energized. Invest in yourself by investing in cozy, comfortable sleep with Cozy Earth. And right now, Cozy Earth has an exclusive sale for all of you watching or listening to the show. 40% off all products to help you stay cozy this winter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's Cozy Earth, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to the home of Reggie Miller, Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm doing great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
What's the question behind the question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Oh, gosh. Is there like, I just, I don't want to wait. Like Dawson's Creek's playing in the background. So great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Jack, I'll never let go. I love that. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah. Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. But what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. Woo! What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you got going on in your world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Where'd you land diagnostically?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah. So yeah, totally. A hundred percent. And that's, I mean, I come from this house. I'm a product of this house. Okay. My dad was a law enforcement guy, an amazing guy who worked his butt off, worked extra jobs. And so there's two things at play here. Number one, the idea of having to budget your money,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Often signals to a man who grew up with a picture of what being a husband and what being a provider looks like as a symbol, like a bat signal that you haven't made it yet. You're failing your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The fact that we have to budget for money is just a reminder that my neighborhood, I'm a public servant. The public doesn't give a crap about me. I remember watching, like, I remember, dude, it's visceral watching my dad's face swipe the ATM card hoping there'd be money in there because he had kids with groceries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I remember as a kid thinking, if that's what the public thinks of public service, I'm out. Screw you guys. Because people try to shoot my daddy and we can't afford groceries. I remember being like 12 and being that cognizant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So I think number one is understanding that for your husband, the thought that we have to sit down and plan what we're going to buy and not buy might be felt in his chest as, yep, it's true, you're failing your family financially. Okay? And so it's easier than coming at somebody like, we need to, you need to. It's just a compassionate way to go, dude, you're not failing our family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The second thing is shifting that needle from it's redefining what protect and provide mean. What I have found in my house is it is easier for me to go shoot my guns and become a great marksman. It's easier for me to go take some boxing classes and some kickboxing classes and to get back into MMA training stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
It's easier for me to go work out than it is for me to, on a day-by-day basis, show up and be a steady, joyful, delightful presence in my own home. Okay? And so what I have to do for myself and convincing a whole generation of men that providing is financial, but you also need to provide an electric free home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Provide a joyful, stable, or as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, a sturdy presence inside your house. And I have come to believe for me, the gym, the shooting range, the what at fill in the blank is a numbing device. It's a distraction from, I don't know how to be, I don't know how to provide stability inside my house. So I'm going to provide, you got my direct deposit. That's what you get.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm going to go protect and do these other, right? You get what I'm saying? Your husband, from his training, knows how to protect better than 99.6% of the population. He's got that down. Yep. Right? He needs to have you gently yet with, and compassionately yet directly, help him redefine what protect means. He says, I need you to protect my spirit. I need you to protect our finances. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I need you to protect our family in the event that you die, which you will now or you will later.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And that we have money so that our special needs kid can continue to get the services he needs so that one of our other kids can go to college so that I don't have to immediately... I get a chance to grieve you and I don't have to immediately go to work on Monday. Right. And so it's just redefining protect and provide. And in my house...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
My wife has done an extraordinary job of holding my hands in those hard seasons and letting me know any talk of financial failure is in my head. It's not in hers. Okay. The failure on my part is not budgeting in reality, not spending in reality. Right. That's my failure, right? Yeah. And by the way, as I've...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
continue to work here where I work and been around different people, the wealthiest people on the planet that I've met, they all budget. It looks differently, but I just thought there was this place you get and you just never think about it again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You know what I mean? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
If they are, their money will be gone in a generation. It'll be, it'll go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Here's the words. I don't feel safe in my home not knowing where our money is, where our investments are, and how much we owe. Will you help me feel safe?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
This year during our annual retreat, my wife and I go on that annual retreat every year. This year was my favorite one we've ever done. But I did something different this year and I watched her body change. I went and I called a buddy. She's a real estate agent here in Nashville. I called her and asked her to run an appraisal, run comps on my properties.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I called my smart investor pro and said, I need to know, I need to detail the counting of everything. I got everything. I even got all the guns, all the guitars, all of my, like, if I die today, here's what this stuff is worth. And it wasn't just like fake what it's worth. This is like, if you had to sell this today, this is what you could probably get for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then I had the life insurance policy and the number. Like, here's who you call. And I read it off to start our meeting. Here's where we are financially. And I watched my wife's shoulders just drop to the floor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I remember laughing and I was like, you know all this? And she's like, yeah, but just seeing it. And she didn't verbalize this, but I think the fact that I went and got it beforehand told her he's invested in making sure I'm safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And my wife knows I know how to fight and she knows I'm fast. I know how to run. If I need to run away, it's like, that's not the kind of protection. The protection that applies to most of us is if our house burns down, what then? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. And so I think it's just redefining what's safe and what protect and what provide actually means right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And there may be, listen, there may be another side to this or maybe a wife listening to this right now and she knows exactly where every account is. Her husband makes a whole bunch of money and she thinks he's in danger of a heart attack any day because he's never been to the gym. The protect and provide conversation in that household might be, I'm worried you're a ticking time bomb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
If you want to protect me, you want me to feel safe, I want you to go to a doctor. I want you to get an exercise program. I want you to start lifting weights. I want you to do something. You get what I'm saying? So that means something different in every house. But most of the men I know right now have doubled down on the thing that's easiest for them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And they are puffing up like a balloon and expecting their whole families to just get behind that. And families are going, hey, whoa, you can lift a lot of weight and you can run real far. I don't feel safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I mean, that's a story you're telling yourself that you have to choose to stop telling. Because it's not true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I mean, has your husband told you that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah, but I mean, is he being silly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So I think you and him need to go have a, have a great, like let's reimagine our marriage. Now we have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. We've never been married with a 12 year old and a special needs 14 year old. Yeah. And I'm feeling an itch to go back to work or every time I buy something, I feel like I'm a net drain on the household. Do you feel that too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I see you working so, so hard in so many jobs and doing so much stuff and I miss you. Yeah. I think there's just a moment to settle in. And you can say things like, the story I tell myself is when you make a joke about my boyfriend, the Amazon guy being around, that somehow me buying stuff for the house doesn't sit well with you. Yeah. Right? And he can learn not to make that joke anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or you can learn, it's just a stupid story I'm telling myself. I'm running this household. I'm taking my CEO skills that I was using at another place when I was a breadwinner and I'm running this thing. Yeah. And he can say, the story I'm telling myself is you love me a little bit less because I don't make more money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And y'all can give yourself an opportunity to be open and kind of level set. Because the joking, like in my house, that's always a joke. My wife was a gangster. She made more money than me. She was this rock star professor. And like now to this day, like she stays at home. She has her own small business, but she stays at home. Like she runs the place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. And I know that you might bristle at that at first, but what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. What you're saying out loud is hard, and I'm proud of you. It's a courageous thing you're doing, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I'll like, oh man, you're spending my money again. And I didn't realize that that was kind of a jab. She felt that. And it wasn't until she committed to making the jokes that it loosened the grip. When I'd be like, hey, what are you doing today? She goes, I'm going to spend all your money. But you get what I'm saying? But that was her way of running directly into the anxiety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But that only came from us having a conversation where she said, I feel like every time you make a joke, you're kind of pointing it out. And I was like, oh my gosh, dude, I'm a walking train wreck. Like, no, spend all of it. Like you keep the lights on here, right? I do. But I mean, that's just us having that story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Awesome. Yeah. And can I just tell you one last thing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I think your marriage is stronger than you think it is right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I think I've got it. It sounds like I got a husband who's working really hard for his family and I have a wife who loves this guy and y'all are just, he slowly started speaking Spanish and you've slowly started speaking Greek and you'll just need to make a commitment to start speaking the same language again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
All right. You're awesome. I appreciate the call. Call anytime. Yeah. I love the idea of a stay sweep the arm. Like we used to be married like this and now we're going to rebuild something amazing and new and cool. And, um, let's block off half of a Saturday morning and let's call the babysitter or your kids may be old enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Now let's call somebody or they can take care of themselves for half a day and let's just go reimagine it in the best possible way because we've chosen how we got here and now we can choose whatever we want to choose moving forward. Awesome. Amy. Awesome. We'll be right back. All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Hey, I just let Amy from Indianapolis go and I got to talking too much and I distracted the whole conversation and I never even answered your question, Amy. I'm still here. I don't know how you say this in Latin, but I kind of blew that last call. So we talked a lot about your marriage. You called and said, how do I pay off this debt? And how do I get debt free? And how do I teach my kid?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, awesome. Well, I appreciate that. You're making me feel not like I need to just get a new job. All right. So listen, here's the deal. I'm going to hook you up with a couple of tools that will walk you through it. Okay. So you probably know I work for Ramsey solutions and also co-host a whole other show. That's a financial show. How people get out of debt, the Ramsey show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And, um, so I'm going to send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to send you all the original or they've been reshot obviously, but the financial peace university, um, videos, I'm gonna send them to you for free. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And, um, The way I've seen couples, especially when one really wants to get control of their finances and get out of debt and stop making other people rich, right? Just that piece of if my husband loses his job, if he quits, if something were to happen to him, God forbid, we're okay because we don't owe anybody anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The most common connection I've seen people make when one really wants to do that and the other doesn't really care, doesn't care about getting out of debt or whatever, is when one person says, I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe knowing that if something happened to you, especially if someone who works in law enforcement, that Ford doesn't care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Ford Motor Company wants their money or our mortgage company wants their money. Right? So that's number one. I'm going to send you that. The second one is the app that my wife and I use. It's called EveryDollar. I think it's the best budgeting app on the planet. I'm going to send you the premium version for a year. And here's what it does. It connects to your bank. Y'all can put the things in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Now, here's the challenge you have. You don't trust you either. You don't come to you with the truth about what you feel about certain things. You anger it away, you rage it away, or you numb it out. You football game it away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You can put all your debts in it. But when one of you buys something, it shows up for the other person too. Okay. It just keeps y'all connected. All right. And you put it in there, you budget together once a month. And I didn't know this, but turns out like budgeting and talking about calendars can turn into this wild aphrodisiac. I did not know that, but here we are. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But just this idea that we're going to plan the month ahead together. Right. And we're going to be on the same page together. It's pretty amazing. But this thing helps you do it in real time every day, especially when you forget like, oh, I ran through and grabbed some Starbucks or it pops up and you can hold each other accountable that way. But it comes down to intentionality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then you've got a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old. What's the cognitive awareness of your special needs 14-year-old?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, okay. Where is he developmentally?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, okay. All right. So your 12-year-old is, I think, perfect age to begin to see what the family budget looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And to begin to know, here's how much money the electric bill costs. And here's how we move that money over to pay it. And this is all the money we have left. And they begin to go, oh, man, wow. And so when mom says, hey, turn the lights off, they get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Right? But I think bringing them in, and maybe you don't bring them into the entire conversation, but you bring them in and maybe let them hit the button on the electric bill or the water bill. And they get to see how much it costs. And they get to participate in that. But 12, I think, is a good age to start bringing them into that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
All right. So those two tools will help. At the end of the day, if you want to get out of debt, you and your husband have to get on the same page, share accounts, get all that crap out on the open. Here's what we owe. Here's what we're trying to do. Here's our side business and your side hustles and blah, blah, blah. All that. We got to get on the same page and then we just have to be intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And the debt snowball. I'm going to pay off things smallest to largest. I don't care what the interest rate is. Blah, blah, blah, blah. We're going to pay off things smallest to largest and just get this stupid stuff done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Cool. Is that cool? Awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Y'all commit to watching those videos together. Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with those free tools. They're all digital tools and they're awesome. And if you guys are listening to this and you think, man, this is the year I want to just not owe anybody anything. I want freedom in my own freaking house. I want peace in my house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Go to the link in the description below here and we'll send you to all these rad tools. These are tools. I use them in my house. I use them in my house. So there you go. We'll be right back. All right, good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
and so what you're asking your kids to do and your wife to do is something that you won't even do and so instead of trying to fix some things so that your kids will come to you I want to turn off that nuclear reactor that's in your chest because somehow you woke up how old are you 36 you woke up at 36 and you don't like the life you live why
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks and more. Go to bondcharge.com and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. All right, let's go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee and talk to Gail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Hey, Gail, what's up? Hey, I'm good, Dr. Deloney. Thank you for taking my call. Absolutely. How are you? Good. Excellent. What's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I don't know why. Well, I mean, it's, number one, you know that his life's going to be different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And in many ways, it's going to be a struggle. Right. And there's health implications, and depending on all sorts of factors, there's lifespan challenges, there's all sorts of issues. So you see that, and you're compassionate, and you care.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Right. It's easy to overlook the fact that a typical kid's got to have tons of challenges too. They're just different. Right. And that a kid born with Down syndrome may have more. Right. So that's number one. The fact that you're sad just means you're projecting this kid's going to have a tough road, and that breaks your heart. Right? Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The second one is you used the word project, and I love that. You had a picture. Was it your daughter or your son? It was my daughter. Okay. When your daughter called you and said, I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby. instantly a picture was created in your mind. It was a VHS tape of what was going to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And so I think what you're dealing with is less grief that you have a healthy kid, less grief because the stories you know, they're not necessarily true. Kids get invited to birthday parties, may be able to drive, maybe not. May be able to go to camps, maybe not to go to certain camps, but will get to go to other camps. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Will laugh and have joy and have, like, just write all kinds of things, a whole spectrum of things. But you had a picture in your head of what it was going to look like, and that picture is different now. Right. And so I think it's you acknowledging, oh, I instantly created a picture, and I got to make peace with the fact that picture is going to be different. And it's okay to be sad about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The challenge is not projecting that sadness onto the kid especially and not projecting it onto your daughter. Right. And then often the best solution to some of this stuff is information, education. Right. And so that means I'm going to go meet with some parents who've got kids who've got Down syndrome. I'm going to go become grandparents of Down syndrome kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Surely there's a Facebook group for that. There's a Facebook group for everything. Yeah. But I'm going to learn about this, and you're probably going to find a significant amount of relief.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But I want you to head into it. Right now you feel sad, and you feel guilty that you feel sad, and so it's causing you to stay away, right? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah, but that's a scarcity thing. Can you celebrate him? Can you whisper a quick prayer?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
All the things you're saying, tell me if I'm out to lunch, man, because I could be way off. Is a guy who's just so tired. Yes. But you're tired because you've been at war inside your own chest for so long. You don't think you make enough money. You don't like the job that you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I wish you an amazing life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
No, no, no. Every time you see a typical kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Every time you see a mother holding a brand new baby that quote unquote looks perfect to you. And you don't know that story of that baby. You don't know what congenital heart defects that baby has. You don't know what ticking time bomb, whatever that kid has. But I want you to practice the gratitude. I want you to wish them well. Okay. Because here's the thing. You wishing evil on them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Are you being sad about them? Or are you cheering them on? Quite honestly, it doesn't affect them at all. It does affect you. Right. And your body will respond to each one of those stories you choose to dwell on. And if you choose to dwell on, screw that young mom right there. It's not fair. I can't believe it. Your body dumps adrenaline and cortisol into your body, into your bloodstream.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You just stew in it and baste in it. Gotcha. Or if you see that mom and you run up and go, oh my gosh, my daughter just had a baby too. Let me see this thing. And you look at that mom and say, I wish both of you the absolute grandest adventures of all time. Okay. Then your body, you get to, your body lifts up, right? Your spirits lift.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And even if you walk away and you're a little bit sad, that's okay. Right. Okay. Right. It's kind of like when somebody cuts you off in traffic. You can flip them off and bang the steering wheel and be like, you're probably a Democrat or you're probably a Republican, right? You can do that. And you have the stroke. Not them. They don't even know. They're listening to their stupid music.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
They're not listening. They're not paying attention to you. Or you can just exhale, drop your shoulders, and whisper a quick prayer. Dear God, hope to get to the hospital before his wife passes. And one of those drops your heart rate, makes you a little bit more compound. You get to pick. but I don't want you to beat yourself up for your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But also, I don't know, man. I've just met some pretty extraordinary families where somebody's got down syndrome. I met some amazing people down syndrome. I've met some amazing families. And again, there's a spectrum of, of, um, sociability and ability to get a job versus they need more caretaking. It's just a wide spectrum.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So who knows how it plays out and how it ends up, but man, there is so much laughter and joy and no way in fun and exploration and curiosity to be had. And I just suggest you double down on that is with all your heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Well, and back in the day, they sequestered everybody. Gotcha. They moved them in a special class away from traditional and they've integrated classes a lot more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And so if you went to a public school right now, you'd probably see more students walking around with various, you know, like non-typical challenges. Gotcha. I think our learning exceptionalities, I don't know the positive spin they've tried to put on it these days, but you're just gonna see a lot of different, a lot of kids with special needs more integrated into traditional classrooms.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You don't like that you don't show up for your wife, but you don't have any tools in your toolkit, so you just get madder and louder about it, and it makes it work, right? Oh, yeah. Your friends have all gone off to do stupid stuff. Alabama sucked this year. All of it, right? It's all in the middle of your chest, right? Definitely. Where does that come from, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And this is going to sound bananas, but you weren't looking for it then. So that doesn't mean it wasn't there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Right. There's that, there's some, there's that psychology about like when you buy a red car, you see red cars everywhere because you're finally looking for it. Right. And so whatever you're what was that? Brene Brown says, whatever you go looking for, you're sure to find like you didn't go looking for it. So you could have seen it and not even registered it. True.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And so you'll see it a lot more now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And you'll smile a lot more and you'll see the laughter a lot more and you'll learn some skills.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
But your feelings are your feelings and they're OK. Don't beat yourself up for them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then go do the next right thing. Right. And by the way, buckle up because you're about to be loved in a way you have never been loved before. All right. Okay. All righty. Hey, you're awesome. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And it's when Christians all over the world would get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. Lent is about getting rid of all of those things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of ultimately living a full, joyful life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and you want to experience Lent in a new way, or you think the whole thing sounds kind of nuts and you want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Right now, you can get three months of Halo, the number one prayer app in the world for free when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney. And this means your free trial will last all the way through Lent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And when you join Halo, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at halo.com slash Deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge starts. That's halo, H-A-L-L-O-W.com slash slash Deloney for three months of Halo absolutely free. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe to the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Take 30 seconds and leave a five-star review and send these episodes to your friends, your loved ones, or people you don't like. You can bomb them. I'm super grateful for the support. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
How long have you not liked the skin that you're in, your life? You only get one, dude. You only get one, and you're like more than a third over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I don't even know, man. Sounds like she has told her. And she's been like, I don't care. God's more important than you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You don't get to be around my friends anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or maybe she needs to fix her attitude before she gets struck by the lightnings. That's what I think. Who is this who wrote in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm just trying to have some FUN, period. All right, so listen. I don't know. That sounds like she's already told her. And so I think sometimes it's strange when somebody just, you put a boundary down, like, hey, please don't say that in front of my kids, and they just blow right through it to the point that you think you're crazy. Like, did you not hear that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or, hey, this is a dress-up event, and they just show up in sweats and a t-shirt. You're like, I know I told you, right? Then you just have a choice to make. Are you going to blow it up and say you need to leave or are you going to say whatever? That's just my sister, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I think most people in Cleveland, Tennessee understand there's just some people that want to talk about the L-O-R-D all day long, all day erday, and it just is what it is. And I think she might be feeling more sensitivity in her own chest than other people are feeling. I like to hear when people are really passionate about their faith. I like to hear about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
It makes me feel good that they feel safe enough and compelled enough and passionate enough to just let it rip. I like that. I like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I wonder if Cheryl's the one that doesn't like the message, not the friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Or she's like Ben, she worships rocks or something. I don't know what she worships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yes, I think you're right. I think... She's the one with the challenges of what's being said, not the neighbors. Most people are pretty respectful. Or they'll just respectfully say, I don't believe anything you just said. And we move on with our lives, but I don't know. I think that's a good call out. If this is a proxy, if the neighbors are like, the neighbors don't care. It's you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So you need to sit down with your sister and say, I don't believe any of this. I don't want to hear about it. Or you can just let your sister talk about the things she feels compelled to talk about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You're always talking about like old person stuff all the time. And we kind of let you run. Like your joints and I don't know, hot flashes. I don't know whatever stuff you're talking about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You've not one time ever mentioned any of that stuff. So out of fairness. But I would like to call this out. I have noticed you are invoking, you're wearing more colorful things this year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I feel like you are invoking joy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
In your own subversive way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yes. You are continuing to be not joyful at all, but you're wearing clothes that project joy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yes. And then everyone on our show just wears black and sad colors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Yeah, that ended up in a meeting too. Yeah. We talked about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
A poem? It's two syllables. Poem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
When I think of a poem, I think of like a wooden pogo stick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
It's called a poem. Let's just end the show. All right, America. Make sure you read some more poems and be kind to one another. Love y'all. Bye. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
A lot of men who don't like who they are either have some sort of hidden addiction or a thing they did that they've just buried. They've got some things that happened to them. Like in a previous show, I talked to a child abuse survivor. Went on for a long, long time. Or... They had some narrative, some false metric that was supposed to feel a certain way when they got it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
When I get a house this big, when I cross the six-figure mark is when I hear all the time. When I get this new promotion and I become the senior associate vice president, whatever, it's supposed to feel a certain way, like I've got there, like I've arrived, like I made it. And most men are hyper disillusioned when they get there and it doesn't feel like they thought it was going to feel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm here to help. And by help means I'm just going to sit with you. I think we're in a world where everybody just talks at everybody all the time. most of the time we know what the next right step is. It's just hard to make it, or just, we got 50 different options and choices and opinions and just need someone to sit with us. So that's what this show is about, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And there's not a psychology for what comes next. So most men get mad and they hit the gas harder. Did any of those three ring a bell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay, so can you cut yourself some slack for a second? You're trying to be a professional baseball player, and you've never seen an actual game played. You're trying to be a great dad of five kids, and you've never seen a picture of a good father who shows up and is present in his kid's life. You don't even know what that looks like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You have some fantasies about it and you've watched some movies about it, but you don't even know what that looks like and feels like. Cut yourself some slack.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
To have joy in your own house. Of course you toggle from numb to anger and back and forth and back and forth. Laughing and joy got stuff taken away from you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I know. Because my guess is joy got stuff taken away and being angry or being sad got you hit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So what you learned at a really young age by the person, by the people who were supposed to love you the most and give you a roadmap for what love looks like is I need to disappear in my own skin. And there ain't no hiding with five kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I know. I know. I got two and sometimes I just want to disappear. So here's what I want you to, the grace I want you to give yourself. This is a skills issue, not a character issue. If you stop practicing, I'm going to call that a character issue. But the fact that you're terrible at shooting free throws, you've never tried before. You've never had somebody coach you on how to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Me sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for over two decades and it's, It's one of the greatest honors in the world when someone calls and says, hey, man, will you just sit with me and let's figure this thing out. If you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real challenges.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You haven't even seen somebody shoot a free throw. Of course you're not good at it. But I'll be damned, I'm going to wake up every day and take 100 free throws before I leave the house. I'm going to take 100 free throws before my kids go to bed. And in four or five years, I'm going to be real good at shooting free throws. Because I deserve that and they deserve that. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay. This is kind of a recent revelation in the neurological literature, in the brain science stuff. Your adult relationships and your relationships with your wife, relationships with your kids actually uses the same pathways that were developed with your mom and your dad. Your brain repurposes those same relationship pathways. Great. Right? Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
As all of the Western world, all of planet Earth goes, oh, great. Here's all that means. You're going to have to build new ones, man. That's your only option. You made five kids and you looked at a woman at an altar and you said, I do till death do us part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
So your only option is I got to build new ones. And the way we build new ones is not sitting around ruminating and not sitting around thinking about it over and over again and not listening to another podcast and their podcast. It's getting out there and doing it. Even and especially when I don't want to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And then I just sit there. That's right. You just sit there. That's right. So what courage and bravery looks like for you right now is doing it anyway. Can I tell you how simple it is? Please. How old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Let's roll down I-65 and go to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Barry. What's up, Barry?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
You got twins on the back end?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
My homie, dude. I'd hug you again right now. All right. Number one, I want you to build, and again, I'm stereotyping Alabamans. You may not know how. I want you to build a cornhole thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I want you to have a nightly tournament with your five kids. I want it to include trash talking. I want you to do it when it's cold. I want you to do it when it's hot. I want you to ask your seven-year-old, hey, is it okay if you're going to go to bed getting dominated by dad at cornhole? And they'll be like, bring it on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Here's what I want. I want them to get some sort of predictability every evening. Dad's going to show up. And I want you to practice showing up when the only thing on earth you want to do is go hide in the bathroom and sit there for 45 minutes and scroll your phone or just turn on the football game and numb out. I want you to make yourself go do it. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
And I want you to show up and I want you to show up and I want you to show up. All right. Here's number two. This one's going to be even harder than that one. Okay. Are you ready?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to go to Walgreens today or Walmart or something. I want you to buy five of the cheapest spiral notebooks you can buy. And I want you to write their names on it. And I want that to go on their bed. And every night I want you to write something in it. It can be one sentence. I'm not asking you to write a paragraph. One sentence where you saw them doing something great that day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
That's it. And if they want to write you back and put it on your bed, you would love to get that. You can tell them that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
The third thing is I want you to take your wife out for breakfast and say... I want to start two things on a regular basis. Number one, a weekly calendar dinner budget meeting, just us together. How are we doing? The second thing is I want us to begin to ask every morning before I go to work, how can I love you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I know. I want you to ask her and I want her to ask you. And if you want to be a real gangster, I want you to go for a walk together once a week. No complaining, no whining, just walking. I'm going to send you every deck of the question for humans for couples and the intimacy deck. And I want you all to commit to doing a couple of cards.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Here's what you'll have to do. You'll have to rebuild your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
From the floor up. You have five kids. You have seven people in your house now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
Okay. And I want you to tell her, I don't have the skills to be the dad that I want to be. I've never seen it happen. But you need to get a couple of men in your life that you can call, that you can text, that you can have coffee with, that you can grab a drink with, that you can laugh with. And if that's her dad, if her dad's an amazing man, I want you to call him and tell him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I'm going to invite you into my life. But your dad didn't show up for you, man. You got to own that. That means you got to go with some help.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
I want you to tell your wife, I've never seen a mom show up and be present with her kids. I'm learning. But I'm going to dedicate myself to learning how to do this right. And so that might mean, hey wife, when you see me getting enraged, will you just put your hand gently on my arm? And I promise I won't disappear. I'm going to put my cell phone away. I'm going to continue seeing a counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Because sometimes our bodies know. Here's the thing. I don't have any use for... I say I always have use for people. I don't have any use for people who belittle other people during scary moments. That's honestly one of the reasons why I hate...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
civilian tape review of situations people running out of a building or that kind of like i don't like that because it's just it's just not fair yeah and your instinct was right was to run his instinct was silly and foolish it could have got him killed and instead of acknowledging that and yeah So for him to not be able to say in a similar fashion, dude, I just thought it was a joke, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Thank God we're all right. Yeah, y'all got out of there. Good for you. But to turn and mock you guys, it's just very immature.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Um, and something happened to precipitate this or he just started ignoring you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
He's not just immature about this. He's immature about a lot of stuff, isn't he?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Your feelings are always wrong. There's always an explanation for your feelings. But when he has feelings, they're right. And if you disagree with him, you're wrong for feeling that his feelings aren't right. It's a very immature way of go through the world. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to consider that this is a very revealing situation. a straw that breaks the camel's back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And I'm not saying your relationship's over, but I'm saying it's time to set some things on the table because here's what's happening. I can feel it. It's festering inside of you. And you are sweet, Alyssa. You just, you don't want to fight. You like doing the next right thing. I could get married tomorrow if I wanted to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I just, I got, I'm going to watch the new season of Dexter and just call it and go to the next thing, go to the next thing. You can just make your way through the life, but what's happening inside of you, is that your insides are starting to catch fire. And before you burn up, because that's what's going to happen, your secrets will kill you, not him. I think there's a truth telling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
There is a, hey, for five years we've been engaged. And you don't honor my feelings. You don't honor my fears. When I get scared, you make fun of me. When you get scared, you're like, oh, I was drunk. I didn't even pay attention. There's just a general sense of immaturity or a general sense of His world is all about him and feeling powerful and strong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And if he can't feel powerful and strong, he dismisses you. And it's just not a partnership. That's not a two people creating something amazing together moving forward. And anytime somebody tells me like, oh, we've been engaged for three years, four years, five years, seven years. We just haven't got around to it. There's almost always a reason we haven't got around to it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
There's not a reason we've done it. There's a reason we haven't done it. And I think that's worth exploring. In your own heart, maybe go sit with a therapist and talk about it. Or sit down with him and say, hey, we need to just talk. You thought it was a joke and you were just walking around thinking kids were goofing off. Fine. I'm not going to judge you on that. But people got killed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
It was scary. It scared me to death. And the fact that you care less about how scared your fiancé was... and more about mocking me and being like, oh my gosh, that wasn't even that big. It tells me a lot about your character. And I think that's what's known at your insides, Alyssa. I may be wrong, but I think that's what's known at your insides. And I think that is worthy of exploring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
All right, let's go out to, sorry, Miss Jackson, Mississippi, and talk to Sean. What's up, Sean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Well, one, man, I feel honored that you called in. Like that was the first time you said a lot of that out loud, didn't it? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I can hear it. And so whatever you've done today or whatever you'll do tomorrow, this is the bravest thing you've done in a long time, and I'm proud of you, and I'm honored that you called me. Thanks, sir. Okay. Here's step number one. You have to decide to stop carrying his shame and his secrets around as though it's your burden. This is killing you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
The more you keep this a secret and you tell yourself that this is somehow a reflection of you, it's like you drinking poison and hope he gets sick. The secrets and the shame are killing you. I can hear it on you, man. And you can't buy houses out from under that. You can't out-earn that. You can't out-discipline yourself in the Navy out of that. Do you get what I'm saying? Does that resonate?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You've been carrying this for a long-ass time, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Did your dad hurt your friends too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
stocks they like social media and stuff and it's just like hard to find anything like if i were to have to defend this man in court i would not have a good case right and so you can hope and wish this was a one-time thing years ago but your gut tells you differently yeah and i want to challenge a core belief you have in the center of your chest is that all right yeah
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Okay, you have more than one thing you can control, which is not telling anybody this. Another thing you can control is letting him carry all of his crap and you stop carrying it. You can say my dad was a very sick man, continues to be a sick man. And has never shown retribution, has never gone through the behavioral stuff to get well, to like, we've never talked about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
He's never wept in front of me and talked about what he's taken from our whole family, blowing up the whole world, hurting all these kids. None of that has ever happened. And that is a cornerstone of redemption. And so I'm not going to not do these things because of what society says. I could care less. And you can lie to yourself, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You don't not like him because he's overweight and doesn't jog. He grosses you out because he's a person who has chosen disgust as his essence. Fair? Yes. Okay. Very fair. Own that. Because I'm listening to somebody, and I've got a picture in my head of a guy who is not going to redeem a family tree, but you have been tilling the soil, and you've planted a new one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I know, but that's what you're doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Then go change it, brother. There's no disgrace in that. And if you've listened to this show for one year, two years, five years, you know I'm all about redemption and I'm all about people freeing themselves from being haunted from their past. I wrote a whole book on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And how dare you not deal with anything, not confront anything, not say anything, and then call your son who's trying to build a new life that you destroyed? And demand he take care of you? No. Somewhere in your guts, brother, you either think you've got a fault here. Somewhere in your guts, you think you did something wrong or you think you can fix this. And dude, I want to free you from that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You cannot. You don't have that kind of power. Here's the more damning thing. He could have, and he has chosen not to. And that means he's left one more victim in his wake, and that's you. And for that, dude, that breaks my heart, and I'm sorry. And if you were sitting right here, I'd hug you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
We're not going to swear at people. We're not going to curse at people. We're going to keep our dignity and our character about us. You're working too hard to change, I mean, to plant a new family tree and to tend to this young tree as it's growing. So you're not going to resort to the world and throw in rocks and sticks and grenades at your old man. He's cashed himself out of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And for that, that in and of itself is a tragedy. I wouldn't wish that on any young man in the world to have their father cash them out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You're going to have a season of being real sad, Sean, okay? I just want to tell you what's coming. You're going to be real sad. But if you will engage in that sadness and not try to flex and work out and discipline and whatever, Xanax it away, you will be free on the other side of this thing. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Tell me what you're feeling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
If this is lingering around back there, if you brought some friends over and your dad may have hurt one of your friends or you don't know, that's not on you, dude. You're a kid inviting buddies over to play. It's not on you. And if you brought girlfriends to your house and your dad was creepy and you tried to defend him and you tried, it's not on you, okay? Be free of that. You're a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I know something hasn't changed. You know what I call that? Wise. I call that an outstanding young man. I call that a great boyfriend. I don't call that a bad son. Thank you. Okay. That's what good men do, is they take their girlfriends into a situation, and when they get sick at the way another man is looking at them, they get them out of that situation. Good on you. Yeah. Can I tell you this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I'm not worried about the present, a future danger. I'm not. Dude, you're a 26-year-old. Are you still enlisted? I'm active in the media. Yeah, I wouldn't fight you. You'd knock my head off. Right? An out-of-shape old man. Like, I'm not worried about what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
The reason I don't want you around this man is he has never had a reckoning with you about what he did to you, to those young kids, to the family, to the ecosystem, to his neighborhood. He's never had a reckoning. And when a dad doesn't atone for his sins with his sons, his sons carry them and it buries them. And I'm sick of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Oh, he has. He has, dude. Not in the ways that society wants him to, but he's dealt with it. You know how I know? He lost his son. And he's too much of a coward to reckon with it. So what does he do? He tries to get you back by dumping a whole dump truck full of responsibilities in your front yard. The yard that you have worked really hard to make because he gave you nothing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
How dare he show up with a dump truck and put all that in your front yard?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I knew it. I knew it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Here's the exercise I want you to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
No, here's the exercise, okay? Listen to the exercise. I've recommended people do this before, and I'm going to probably recommend this a thousand more times before the show's over. But here's what I want you to do, okay? I want you to go to a Lowe's or Home Depot when you get off shift. And I want you to get a roll of duct tape, and I want you to get three cinder blocks. Okay? Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And I want you to tear off a piece of duct tape on each one of those cinder blocks, and I want you to get a Sharpie, and I want you to write on them. Never told me the truth in my house. Hurt and abused children. And you write whatever you know to be true. And I know you're soft peddling the stories that you grew up with. I know that. And I know that mom got out of there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I know brother has been through some kind of hell, too, because he wouldn't be living his life if his nervous system wasn't haywire also, right? Yeah. Okay. I want you to write them on that cinder block, and I want you to carry them around your yard. Are you on base or are you off? I'm off base. Okay. I've been a while. Okay. I want you to carry them around in your backyard. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Until your arms burn and I want you to throw it on the ground and say the words out loud, I'm not carrying this anymore. And I want you to tear off that tape and throw it away. And then I want you to pick up the next one and go again. I want there to be a physical memory of I set this down and I don't carry it anymore. This is my dad's sins. I'm not carrying them because they're not mine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You'll have your own. You'll screw stuff up. You'll have your own stuff to carry, but I'm not carrying that anymore. I'm not carrying his secrets. I'm not carrying his dirtiness. I'm not carrying it. Okay. I will. And here's one last thing I want to caution you about, okay? Yeah. I think I've told this a thousand times on the show. I was doing a practicum during my grad school, and we were...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I'll just cut to the chase. One of the psychologists I was working with, he gave me a really important piece of wisdom. We looked at a young kid and I said, hey, this one's going to be all right. And he goes, why do you think that kid's going to be all right? Kid had gone through hell. And I said, well, he's got straight A's. He's doing great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And he looked at me and said, John, straight A's can be a trauma response too. Your need for control and for perfection and for external validation is for medals and for acknowledgements and for a home and then another home and you're probably saving up to get a down payment to buy another home, that won't fill that gap you have in the center of your chest. Okay? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
That will heal from the inside out when you're ready. My promise to you is it can heal. And it will be way harder than running 20 miles. But you can. And you will bring peace to great, great grandkids that you will never meet. If you heal that from the inside out. Thank you, Dr. Young. Is that fair? Yes, sir. All right. Brother, you call me anytime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I'm going to send you both my books here just as a gift. I know it's just a small token, but I want you to read through them, okay? And I'll hook you up with them for free. You call me anytime, and I'll walk with you. Nothing breaks my heart more than somebody who hurts kids followed only by somebody who abandons their kids. And this happened to me. Both of this happened to you. And I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And at the same time, I'm overcome with how proud I am of you. and the steps you're taking to plant and tend to a new family tree. Generations from now, kids will bask in the shade of this new family tree because you did this work. You're going to get burned, you're going to have scars, and you will bring peace to future generations. All right, we're back. Kelly, ah, that last call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Yeah, that was pretty heavy. Ah, dads, man. I know all the research is focused on moms, but dads, man. Dads are important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Man, dads are important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Let's sing a song. You go first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You are correct. Half of the listeners of this show just clicked off. They're like, oh, God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Whatever. Y'all don't know this. In Kelly's office, she has this immaculate huge corner office. She has a karaoke machine set up there. And on Thursday and Friday afternoons, her one whole wall is all mirrors, as you can imagine. And she sings karaoke, mostly Nickelback and Creed, and she lets it R.I.P. She lets it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
She puts on these awkward tight jeans and she puts her feet up on like a monitor wedge and she gets it in front of these mirrors. It's not bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I do a lot of hip thrusting. I do. I don't mean to. It comes from way deep inside. It's all the 80s metal. It's just kind of in there. But listen, you're not as bad a singer as you think you are. We all hear it all across the second floor, but you let it rip. All right. Hey, listen, it's the last day for you. Six people are still here. Last day of the atomic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
christmas sale questions for humans building a non-anxious life it's it's like this is a chance to get um to get your friends great gifts get your family great gifts that can actually help them in the new year and isn't going to break your bank so go to ramsay solutions.com slash store last day of the sale make it count go be a good gift giver this year and um God help you, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
If you have someone on your team at work that's got a karaoke machine, just unplug it. Love you guys. Bye. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Yeah. So this is simple. Your husband calls your brother. I mean, your husband calls his brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
It's two grown men. They got into it. Um, and there can be a thousand different reasons, like different opinions or whatever. Um, He calls his brother and says, are we cool? And are you going to honor and respect my wife or no? And if not, then the family is choosing and the family chooses to have him over. They're choosing to not have you guys over. Okay. It's that simple.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Maloney Show. Ben is behind the board. So I was trying to redline it for him, so he'll have to spend extra time in editing. There you go, Ben. Hey, I'm so glad that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I'm not going to go be around a situation that I know is going to provoke violence and it's not going to do it. When somebody makes a comment like about miscarriage and stuff like that, I've been open about our story too. We've had a number of those too. That is not somebody who's making a comment about miscarriages. That is somebody just grabbing knives and trying to stab you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
They're trying to hurt you with the deepest possible way. And I've got about as much use – I have no interest in being in their presence. Okay. And I'm a grown-up. And what that means is y'all might have to grieve a picture y'all had of what Thanksgiving was going to look like. Right. And that sucks. You and your husband might have a fight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You might have a deep disagreement because he might feel this pull to honor his mom and dad and his head means going and sucking it up and he's going to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Think of this in a different way. If his parents have not called this to a head and are trying to pretend it never happened or trying to avoid a confrontation... Behavior is a language. They are telling you, we'd rather y'all not come this year. Because y'all were very clear about, I'm not going to go in a situation where it's going to be violence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I don't want my daughter seeing me fly off the handle like that. And I don't want my daughter seeing somebody talk to their mom that way. Right. Not going to do that. Right. And so, mom, dad, if y'all don't want to deal with this in the home, cool. We get the message. Y'all don't want us here and that's fine. It breaks our heart, makes us sad. We're going to grieve it, all those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
But we get the message. And there is the two male grownups acting like two male grownups. Right. And calling each other on the phone. And if the brother doesn't want to ask, you got all the answers you want. You got answers that you need. The thing that you guys can turn this and be real immature about it real fast is considering a one and a loss. If he gets to go, then he wins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And if you don't get to go, you're lost. And if you start keeping score like that, then it's not going to be about healing a family. It's not going to be about people respecting and treating each other with dignity. It's going to be about winning and losing. And no relationship survives that. Okay. And so take the one loss nonsense off the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
You're just going to get a real clear picture of everybody's revealed character. And fire does that. It reveals.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask ASK. I don't know what I'm singing. I'm just in a good mood today. All right, let's go. Let's just go to the phones to maybe it's an eight mile Detroit Rock City and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
So listen, everybody lost, nobody won. So if he shows up all like, hell yeah, he shows up to this thing and y'all are gone. Everybody lost. He lost. Your parents lost. The cousins lost. Everybody lost. And if you all show up and there's no brother and it's like, yeah, he doesn't get to come here anymore because of what he said. Everybody lost. So take the one loss off. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
What I want you guys, you and your husband to do is to A, be real sad about this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
and you guys reverse engineer what's a great Thanksgiving look like and it might be inviting some people from your office who don't have anywhere to go it might be what we do in my house we do it at Easter it's Easter of randos we got the wildest eclectic group of people songwriters lawn people bankers university executives my tattoo artist and her family I mean just random people it's so great
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
But in a perfect world, our families will all be here. They can't travel this far. So we're sad about that, and then we go do the next right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I would not walk into that situation unless your husband has called his brother and settled it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
That is taking a lit match and a can of gasoline to a situation. That's stupid. Somebody's going to get shot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I know, but I want your husband to be a person of character and integrity, somebody who stands up for his wife, and also somebody who tries to heal important relationships. Okay. I want him going to bed at night knowing I made three phone calls and he didn't respond. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I don't want him going to bed going, well, if I even call, he's not even going to answer it because nobody knows to make that call. Okay. But yeah, I would absolutely 1000% you are inviting trouble. And what do you do for a living?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Okay. I thought they had mentioned something about that. So, you know, 1016s, you know, domestics is where most people die. Right. Not doing that. Am I setting that up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Can I tell you one more weird thing? And I'll get some grief about this on the internet. There may come a time when you make peace with him going and you not. And him saying, I want to go see my mom and dad. And I know it's chaotic and wild and it's not giving in and it's not what I, but I want to go see my mom and dad. And you go, yeah, absolutely. Go see your mom and dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
That's important for you to see them. As bad as they've treated, as bad as they fumbled this whole situation. And imagine they're a broken hearts. They got their two boys in the living room fighting and saying vile, evil things to each other and being powerless. And I just overcome like, fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
There may be a season when, not this year, but there may be a season when you say, go see your mom and your dad. I'm not going to go. They've made it clear what they think about me, and that's fine. Go see your mom and your dad. And then when we come home, we'll do X, Y, and Z. I think that's fair, too. If y'all agree on that and y'all want to set that, he may say, no, forget that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
I'm not going on anything without you. Great. Y'all get to decide that. But that's for the future. This year we're going to be set. All right, let's go out to Louisville, Kentucky and talk to sweet Alyssa. What's up, Alyssa?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Wow, I can't wait to hear this one. Tell me what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Like they did a duel? Like for your heart or affection? What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Yeah. I don't think it's an either-or situation. I have been in enough wild situations that I have just made peace. I don't judge people's initial reactions to terrible events. Everybody reacts differently. And I have acted very foolishly running into situations that I had no business doing that. And it makes for good theater. It is terrible in real life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
And I have seen people think the whole thing's a joke and start laughing. I've seen people curl up in a ball and start screaming. I've seen everybody run. I've seen people all of a sudden grab a stapler and a brick and run. I mean, everybody does something different. And so I don't judge anybody's instant reaction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
The only people's instant reaction I judged are those who have trained and trained and trained for specific events. But when it comes to average people who duck or who run or who laugh, I just don't hold judgment there because everybody's body reacts differently in those situations.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
On the back end, though, y'all are at home. It's two weeks later. It's three weeks later. If y'all sit down—and did you find out it was a real shooting or not a real shooting?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Okay. So have y'all circled back up now that the smoke is cleared and sat down and said, hey, let's talk about that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Yeah. I don't mess around at all anymore. Not even a little bit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Share anything, of course.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Oh, you've watched him and watched him be cowardly in day-to-day interactions, and now all of a sudden he's mocking you because of how you protected yourself?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
Yeah, I would ask your nervous system about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money, and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing night at ramseysolutions.com slash tour.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. Remember, Cozy Earth spring into comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off everything. That's 40% off. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 40% off. That's C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Use promo code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
All right, the rumors are true. Yes, the modern world exposes us to things that were just unheard of until a few decades ago. I'm talking about the little screens and the big screens and the giant screens in our homes and in our offices, the fluorescent lights, the EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
This is why I'm super excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, every day, and I love them. And here's why I think you're going to love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with your sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It can help you recover from aches and pains and transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
All right, let's go out to Kansas City, Mo, and talk to Kate. Hey, Kate, what's up, lady?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I just got to Cleveland, Ohio, and let's talk to JT. What's up, JT? How you doing, Dr. John? I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Hmm. What brings that question up right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I'm 27. All right. Let's just pause right there. You're right where you need to be, dude. Okay. Three-year-olds run around and bang their head on every boundary possible to see if it will hold.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Correct. You're not a bad dad. I mean, you might be a terrible dad. I don't know. But just because she's doing that doesn't mean your marriage is bad, doesn't mean you're bad, doesn't mean your past is bad, doesn't mean anything other than she is three years old. And developmentally, she's doing exactly what she should be. And she's saying, oh, yeah, you say that stove is hot?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I am doing good, doing good. Recovering, but I'm coming back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I'm going to find out. And this is just a... critical developmental time. And that's why when people call me, they're like, my marriage is messy or this is happening. And my kids three, I always just stop and be like, all right, call me back in two years and we'll square up again. It's just, it's just that, it's just that season, man. All right. So y'all are butting heads. And by the way, yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
You ever seen those cram videos? I forgot the name of the comedian. They're the best. Like the, the goat videos. They're like cram. Don't get into a, like a, head-butting competition with a three-year-old. Everybody loses that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Oh, man, I don't have any idea. Help me. Help me. I probably need to call you. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
No. Okay. Your daughter's being three. My bigger concern is that you're at a place, you're at a fragile emotional state to such a degree that a three-year-old is threatening the access upon which your world spins. Let me put it another way. That sounded really dramatic. You're giving a three-year-old a vote. Like, a three-year-old doesn't get a vote. They're three.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Like, I'm not going to give a three-year-old my bad day. I'm not going to give you my feel like you're three. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, there's a reason they can't vote. They don't have – a three-year-old does not have the – they can be manipulative, and a three-year-old can, like – I don't want to get through all Piaget and all that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Three-year-olds are smart and they can be manipulative, but they are not as cognitively complex as adults put upon them. Okay. And so she just wants to check in with her mom. That means you and your wife need to be connected there. Or you and your wife need to come up with, she doesn't check in with mom. Okay. But that will go away over time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
What won't go away is she will very quickly, if she has... I guarantee she already has. She knows how to control dad. I can get dad to leave the room if I push one inch past this one line. He'll leave. I can finally get him to give me that candy if I just push past this one line. Or... I'm uncomfortable because daddy's uncomfortable and he'll, I can do this one thing. He'll get mad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
He'll spank me. He'll yell at me and then I can cry and then I'll feel better. But what she's learning is it's her job to make sure dad's emotionally okay. And dude, that cannot be your daughter's job. Right. That was alcohol's job. That was your affairs job. And now you've given it to your daughter. That can't be her job. That has to be your job. Okay. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
spill over and i do tend to get frustrated with my daughter not because it's my daughter it's because it's like i haven't processed other stressors yeah make make that commitment right right now today make today day one day one that that never happens again don't make her carry one too man she's three yeah okay and here's the other side of that
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
keep hearing in your language that you're trying to put yourself in a position where either you're the only one doing it right or you're the victim of a thing and if you're going to work and you're working really hard even if you have to clean up other people's mess but it's paying your bills and it's what you want to be doing every day then exhale and make peace you work with a bunch of people who don't do their job okay
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But if you show up every day expecting that thing to fulfill you too, or I don't want to be like a beautiful mind here where I'm pulling this piece of data and this piece of data and trying to create a whole new story. But of all the different things you're telling me, everything is leading to a guy that is desperately seeking something external to tell him he's got value and he's okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
That's you right now. That's you right now. You just moved it to something that's not going to get you arrested or get you divorced, which is work. And that's where most sophisticated men move their addictions. Do you have any friends?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Are those guys you can call and just whine about work with for a minute?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Do you have an exercise routine to burn some of this off?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Not as a place to escape, but a place to channel some of this energy. And kudos to you, my brother, for getting a group of friends. That's awesome. That is amazing. Thanks. Often I hear in these situations, wives just become trash bins for their whole day because they're the only person their husband has, right? Yeah. Tell me about your addiction. What were you struggling with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Yeah. That even tells me more. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Searching for somebody out there to tell you, to help you feel alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Where's that come from, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
You've been singing and dancing your whole life, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Doesn't surprise me. Okay. Doesn't surprise me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Yeah. Well, and I'm just trying to quickly reverse engineer it as a parent. Like, all right, great. Like, you don't need to know about chlorophyll, borophyll, but you do need to know about how to clean the bathroom. So I'm going to shift grades to – I can see the logic there, but then I can also see a kid being like, dude, I'm seven. I just got C in bathroom. Like, what are we doing? Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
How long has this been going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I can see that too. Right? Yeah. And so it's like one of those things that like as you get older, you'll start to get compassionate because your parents are probably trying to do the best they could. And they were reading a lot of internet and they were like, yeah, we're going to do it different. And then they ended up giving their kid a grade on bathroom counter cleaning. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So it's like one of those like, oh, gosh, this is insane. And also I've been dead in my own skin for 12 years. And now I'm finally free. And – then all of a sudden the world hands me this box with every act of depravity known to, you know, in human history. And now I'm married. Now I got a kid that won't listen to me. Now I got people at work that won't do it. And it just kind of unspools.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So what if I flipped it all over, dude, and said this? Are you still fighting on a day-to-day basis to put away pornography?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But what I'm asking is, I asked it in too dramatic of a way, but you're staying vigilant, right? You're still working? Yep. Good. Are you done cheating on your wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Have you and your wife sat down and begun the healing process to get to the root of all this stuff? Mm-hmm.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
He's not that awful. He's medium awful with the babies. He's full awful with the older one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
The next gift you can give your family, and this is a tough one, is to deal with the nuclear reactor that's sitting in the middle of your chest. The one that's always hot, always looking for the next person, always trying to get out of the next thing, always worried about what you just said, always trying to make sure you're impressing the person over there or over there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
The one whose head's always on a swivel, the eyes are always moving. Situational awareness 24-7, 365. Right? Yeah. It's exhausting. I'm going not to care so much what people think, but. I know, but that kept you alive growing up. You had to. Right. Because you were getting graded. And listen, your daughter's teeny tiny little body, think of her just as a walking nervous system.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I promise you that little girl wants more than anything on planet earth to run and hug her dad. And her teeny tiny little body is saying, do not do that. He's electric. And I know this brother from personal experience. And when I freed myself, I freed her. Now I'm getting all choked up on the radio, man. Hold on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
My daughter, dude, she is a human hurricane, and she still, dude, she fights me every single day, literally and figuratively, and I love it. But it's not from a place of nervous system fear anymore. It's from normal developmental. I've got a really tough, amazing, beautiful little girl. Who's going to grow up to run some stuff someday. It's not me versus her anymore. It's me with her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But I had to go do my work so that I could show up okay. I had to get my head off the swivel. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Probably both and. Okay. Probably all the above. When you met with a counselor, were you totally honest about what you grew up with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But, but also taught like, all right. So I am with the, I remember the exasperated when, um, my son, my daughter didn't do it so much, but my son, when he was just like a, like a ball, I just remember he's a ball of human. Right. Um, And as a newborn, my wife was back teaching and he would just scream in this harrowing scream. I didn't know what to do. And I would just like try everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. So I want you to go ask for some very specific practices, not just tools, but practices on reactivity. Okay. The nerd word is mindfulness. It's the gap between stimulus and response. We're going to start to lengthen that gap between when your daughter goes, no, daddy, and the rage that fires up without you even realizing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And the rage comes from a perceived lack of control, out of power, out of balance. That's exactly what it is. And that came from when you were a little bitty kid because you never had any autonomy in your house. You were getting graded on toilet cleaning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Bro, you got a grade on how to pee. You've never, you got a grade on wiping your deuces. Bro, you've never had autonomy. Not for a second. That's what pornography gives you. It gives you, it gives you the sense of aliveness. And it's not even the pornography. It's the urge. It's the dopamine buildup. People think dopamine is after you click. It's before you click. It's the build.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It's the feeling of. That's the rebellion of a life that has no autonomy. And a three-year-old little girl just reflects it back to you. And so for the sake of our entire family's souls, dude, you don't get a vote into whether I'm in a bad mood or not. I'm not giving you that. You're three for crying out loud. You are going to stop hitting or you're choosing to fill in the blank. But okay, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Go check with mom. And then when you come back, you're going to do X, Y, and Z. I'm not going to let her make me mad. She's three. And then what she's going to learn is, oh, mom and dad are united in everything. And then shortly, those need to go check with moms. Those things stop. Okay. But you get what I'm saying? I want you to ask your counselor for some very specific tools.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Sometimes it's breathing exercises. Sometimes it's journaling. Sometimes it's catching yourself being mad and forcing yourself to walk back and get down on your daughter's level and look her in the eye and put both hands on her face and say, daddy got too mad. And that was not your fault. That was daddy's fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Have you forgiven yourself for cheating on your wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Commit to that. Stop carrying it around. If your wife says she's not carrying it around, you stop carrying it. Stay vigilant, but stop carrying it. Go be the next best husband you can be the next minute, and the minute after that, and the minute after that. Okay? Okay. It's game on now, my brother. Good call? Absolutely. All right. Grateful for you, brother. Thanks for calling, JT.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Stay out of trouble. Appreciate you. We'll be right back. All right. Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the internets all day, every day. And I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter. It's here and it's happening.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Everything in my life and everything in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our health portals, our personal messages and communications, where we live, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our life exists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And because so much of our life takes place on the internet now, somehow it just became normal over time to just give away our address or our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. Ugh. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at the reports that my friends at Delete.me have sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Hey, don't forget to subscribe, like, and review the show with all the stars you can punch into the internet boxes. That was my, uh... Was that a good song, Kelly? You don't think you'll like that song?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Screaming, screaming. I didn't know what to do. And I used to get so frustrated. I would just get exasperated. Like, I don't know what to do here. Um, but my wife wasn't there. So I had to do something right. And sometimes I would just take him out and put him in a stroller and just be walking on the street and screaming. I know what to do. Right. Um, and so I get that the three or four year old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Well, fine. Alright, let's go out to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, and talk to Turn the Page. Hey, Page, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I'm doing great. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Hmm. Why are you angry with your dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And, um, you didn't practice what he preaches. No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Let me ask you this. Is he your therapist?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So let's, let's hold him accountable to the role with which he's assigned in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Forget what he does for a living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
What are you mad at that he did or didn't do for you as your dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Are you in graduate school right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Now we're getting into like adult grownup temper tantrum me kind of world. Tell me about that. Let me say this. So I have a ton of compassion for mom or dad. Like, I need a break for a second. I got to go outside because my nerves are fried. I get that. I get that. And I also get the other side of it. Like, hey, one of us doesn't get a break, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Okay. so there's a couple of things here that are, are kind of blinking lights at me. Okay. And so I'm, I'm, I'm always okay to be wrong. I'm, I'm, I'm often wrong. Okay. Um, but there's a few big blinking lights that are relatively common. Um, and so, uh, are you, are you in your twenties, early twenties?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. All right. Um, So big blinking light number one is there's actually some words for it. I won't nerd out, but students who study psychology, students who are in the first couple of years, especially of graduate school for psychology, LMFT, LPC, social work, whatever, begin to pathologize and diagnose everything and everyone around them. about everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
No, it makes sense. Everything, everything. And it's a, it's a, it's, it makes sense. But as one colleague, I used to, I used to, she used to say no unauthorized practice of magic outside of Hogwarts. And so, um, if you're not in school, close the book.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Now, school's always fun to be reflective and to, like, ask yourself questions, but it's not until, you know, it's like when you think you have every diagnosis until you do one of your practicums in a psych ward and you go, oh, that's what that is. Right? I was uncomfortable. That is not, that is what we call fill in the blank diagnosis, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Yeah. So that's number one, which is don't look to counteract your dad's, you know, uh, wizardry with your own, um, undergraduate wizardry. It's a fool's errand. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So you'll know one of my big things is don't diagnose your friends and your neighbors and your whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Perfect. So I intentionally don't ever use the words narcissist around my friends. I don't use the words. There's just words like that that are diagnostics. I don't use them. I just don't use them. I say, that guy's a jerk. And I'll leave it to his clinical psychologist to diagnose him. But what I can say is, and this is the part two, focus on the behaviors. I don't care what your job is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I don't care how smart or how not smart I think you are. Don't talk to somebody like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And so I don't care what the diagnosis is. That's a context, not an excuse. You can't treat people a certain way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I don't care what your IQ is. You can't treat people a certain way. Have some dignity and some decorum for crying out loud. Right? The third thing is I get involved when somebody's getting hurt. I don't care if that's my role or not my role or my place or not my place. I could care less. If somebody's getting hurt, I'm getting involved. And so if your mom's getting hurt,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
and you can't sleep at night without saying something, then say something. Know this, you've probably got a part of a conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
One of us has to be here for the screaming human being. I get that. But tell me about the three, two, three, four, five-year-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Have you studied triangulation yet?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay, Google that one because it's happening to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And it always collapsed the relationship between everybody. Yeah. And so you're getting triangulated into this. What do you think about this? What do you think about this? Did you hear what she said? She told me that you said that I'm out. I am not playing that game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
One of the most successful things I've heard from multiple peers, people my age is, they tell their parents, well, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. That's my dad. I don't hear you talk bad about my dad. Or that's my mom. I can't be your safe place for that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Like, but one step further, I'm not going to listen to you talk bad about my mom. If you need to talk bad about mom, you need to get yourself a therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Right. So that's one thing like, like one is I'm not going to talk about mom. The next layer of boundary is I'm not going to sit here and listen to you do it. So if you keep talking bad about mom, you are asking me to leave by your actions. And that's a different level of grown-upness of putting up boundaries. And I'll tell the same thing about mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I'm not going to sit here and let you talk bad about dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I know, I know. I'm just putting it out there. It's just not picking on dad. And I would back all the way out. As it comes for resentment, I wouldn't give him that kind of power. Hmm. Like, go study and be the best therapist that you can possibly be. There's tons of hurting people out there that need somebody to sit with them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And if you notice, he is not being congruent in the things that he learns versus how he's weaponizing some of these things and how he is... like honoring his patients more than he honors his own kids or honoring his patients more than he honors his wife, then make a firm commitment, as for me and my house, I won't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
The best way to navigate resentment is to commit and then live out, step by step by step by step, a different kind of life. I'm not going to be that kind of person. The path forward as two adults navigating how to move forward is... One person has to turn the lights on and say, here's the boundaries, and I'd love to have you in it. Here's my picture of what us together looks like. Are you in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And as another adult, whether it's your dad, it's your mom, it's your spouse, it's whoever, they can say, I'm not in. And avoiding that reality, I mean, you can kick the can down the road, but that reality is eventually going to catch up with you, and it's heartbreaking at any point, so I'd rather catch it earlier than later. Yeah. But Paige, go be a great therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Go be the best counselor you could possibly be. The world needs you. The world needs you. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. Easter is just around the corner, and it's one of the most important days of the Christian calendar. Easter is a season of spring, which means new life and freedom that goes beyond feeling good in any one moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It's about real, lasting freedom that comes from being intentional, choosing peace, and finding and trusting God. And that's why I love what Hallow is doing this Easter. They're offering a special prayer series focused on finding interior freedom, letting go of the stress, worry, and that constant need to try to control everything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Their prayer series is about finding peace by trusting in God's love and grace and mercy. These short prayers and reflections are designed to help you keep building on those daily habits you started during Lent so that you can carry that sense of peace into Easter and beyond. And that's just one of thousands of songs, prayers, and meditations on Hallow's amazing app.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And they help you stay grounded and connected every single day. So download Hallow right now and get three months free at Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash deloney. Again, that's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W, .com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. Kelly, my voice is fading.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I kind of feel like this is how the metal singer I always wanted to sound like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Guys, that's so good. All right, so am I the problem? Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
He's not that awful. He's only medium. He's medium awful with the babies. He's full awful with them. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your relationships and your marriages and your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, the good stuff, the challenging stuff, the dark stuff. Here's my promise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Ugh, this question. You wrote this question. I know you did.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So I was with her 100,000% on point one. I think she's really reaching on her point two, mainly because there's no plot in those books. Come on. She's like reading literature that just happened to have some nudity in it, right? Like I was walking through a museum and I saw, and the David was standing there, right? Not real. And I actually just did a big event and this question came up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I don't have any data. So the best generalizable data, or I would say non-generalizable data, but we'll generalize it here. And by the way, generalized, I say that all the time. All that means is I can make a point about men and cast that upon all men. And when you say non-generalizable, that just means I can't say this about everybody, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Um, but I think I'm pretty close here that in some, you're like, you still don't know what you're talking about. I'll stop speaking. Nerd on the whole women read pornography, men watch it. And I can't, I've never read a study on this. I've never, whatever. And that doesn't hold true for everybody. Some women watch pornography. Some men, I what's that? What's the fairy porn porn book.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I read a couple of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Yes. Yeah, it's Hogwarts after dark. But like I read the first – that first book on the airplane. Like I read it. Whatever. It's fine. I can't, for the life of me, I've never seen a study on this. It cannot be as quote unquote damaging neurochemically as watching hardcore pornography. I can't imagine that. Okay. To the dopamine system, to the whole dopagenetic system. I can't imagine that. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
At the same time, Anna Lemke writes really eloquently. Like she studies addiction at Stanford School of Medicine. She talks about her addiction, literal addiction to romance novels. They became a place where she went to and they got increasingly sexualized and they got increasingly out there. And she had them on her Kindle. She could hit another one and another one and another one and another one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And it was like a morphine drip, right? And so... When any type of sexual content, if you will, becomes a way to escape the life that you have, you're in a big problem. You're in a problem. I will say the visual stimulating stuff, I just think it's worse. I think it's not good. It's just not good. And I think it has to do different stuff. I didn't talk to Huberman about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It has to do different stuff to you. Maybe I'm wrong and I'm okay being wrong there. I'm not saying that I want to be the police on nudity in movies. I'm not going to be the police on like what's a good book and what's not a good book, whatever. I think anytime you get into banning books, you get into – that's never gone well in history ever, ever, ever. So all I have to say is you know –
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
you know, and I know that's not a helpful thing, but you know, you know, if, um, here's a good example with one of the, the fairy porn books. Um, I told, I asked my wife to read one. I was like, read this. This is like going through like it's wildfire and I don't get it. She texts me, this is actually kind of hilarious. She texts me him reading this book.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I just read the hottest scene I've ever read. I bookmarked it for you. Bro town in Motown. You want to say I got home early that day. I got home, clear the decks. Hey dad, shut up kids. Everybody, not really, but like I read this quote unquote scene. I mean, I went thumb through it to find out like, dude, am I going to have to like get on Amazon and get some wings? Like, what are we doing here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Like I'm down, but like, I need to know. It was the most boring scene in human history. it was so it, I didn't get it. It was like, we were like, no, it was nothing. There was nothing explicit. In fact, I asked my wife, like, when did they start hooking up? And she's like, that's not the best. Not what are you talking about? That's not the point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And I was like, that's pretty much always the point. She's like, no, it was about anticipation and build and nobody knew, but they knew, but maybe one person knew and nobody was watching, but maybe. And I was like, oh my my gosh, I don't know you. We've been together for a quarter century. I don't know. But so that led to a hilarious, fun, amazing conversation. I learned stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So all I have to say is this, I'm not going to police all that stuff. Like, especially when it comes to literature and whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I will say, you know, if you're hiding from your own marriage, you know, if dude, I can't stop doing this, or I'm increasingly becoming more aroused by these books and about my own life, or I'm skipping sex or intimacy or hookups with my husband or my wife so that I can get under the covers and read these. But like, then you got a problem, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Gosh, this is the most like, dude, you're like talking about every house USA right now. I guess this is as direct as I would put this. The stake of his relationship with his daughter and his wife are on the line right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And I guess if you want to get super moral about it, if you're going to say, I don't want to have eyes for anybody else, then yeah, clear the deck, man. If you're going to clear the deck, clear the deck all the way. But as for, so that's me just spinning off the top of my head here, but I don't know if that answers the original question. I don't even remember. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Yeah, it lights up like a Christmas tree.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I know because nobody gets beheaded. There's not true crime books.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It's Hogwarts gone wild.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Let's don't use besmirch on this show. Gosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Escaping. And I'll even say this. There's times to escape.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I'm intentionally escaping.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Escaping versus numbing, I think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Well, and AI do just print them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Like you can just hit a button because there's not plot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
That's when it crossed over to like BDSM, like some.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Well, I still don't know that it beats the real thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So they say. That wraps up another educational episode. I don't know if we helped anybody on that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And if this was not about relationships, but this was about feeding his family at work, hey, we are no longer writing things on paper and putting them in an envelope. We have this new thing called email. You learn how to do it or you're fired. You know what everybody did? They learned how to do email. And so I know we can do it, but we have to step over our egos. And by the way, it's a big step.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And this is the pot talking to the kettle here. When you look in your tool bag to help solve a problem with your kids and there's no tools in there, or there's just one, yell, or just another tool, just hide, or another tool, just shut down and play video games. It's scary. So I get that. But he has got to
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
put on his big boy pants and decide I'm going to learn how to connect with my daughter and do this right because the stakes are way too high. Yeah. If you approach him as a skills issue, at least in my house, I will tell you it's one of the greatest gifts my wife gave me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
besides psychological stability, which I needed desperately, um, she approached me learning things about my kids as skills, not as character defects. Do you get the difference?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It made all the world to me because when I would do something wrong, when I would try to take on my daughter when she was four and there's now I've got a 40 year old trying to take on a four year old, which is a recipe for an inferno, right? Um, She didn't come at me and say, you're stupid, you're dumb. I can't believe you're doing this. She would never do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But she'd say, hey, this particular approach isn't effective. Try this one. And then I had to be a grownup and go talk to Becky Kennedy. I had to be a grownup and go talk to Sissy Goff here in Nashville. I had to be a grownup and go learn a whole bunch of skills. Talk to my friend Lynn Jennings back in Lubbock, Texas. I had to get on the phone and learn some skills because the stakes were too high.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
it just takes a lot of patience and it's really boring and it's really revealing. And I ended up in counseling, some, some pretty heavy, heavy counseling. Cause I had some stuff I had to get right with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
So that's always good. So you get, you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Um, How did his mom treat him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. What about his dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Does he like the way his mom raised him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I'll sit with you. For the last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move, and I'll sit with you. I'd love to have you on the show, and the show goes out all over the world. We've got gajillions and gajillions of listeners and watchers. I'd love to have you. That sounds gross. I'm a watcher.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. Have you two aligned on parenting strategies?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Here's a helpful exercise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
I want you all to get away for a breakfast, okay? And I know that sounds insane right now. Can you pump or something? I don't know the mechanic. Can you get away where it's just you all two for one breakfast for two hours? Is that possible? Okay. I want you to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And I want you to hold both of his hands across the table and say, I see a husband who loves me and our two kids more than life itself. And I'm so grateful. Do you believe that? Is that a true statement? I don't put words in your mouth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Do you believe he's a good man inside?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. I also want you to tell him whatever is true in your heart about how he has talked to you about how he was raised. And that I don't want to duplicate that here. And maybe that frustration and that smoke and that anger he's feeling, his dad laughed. He needs to go deal with that smoke and anger and rage, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Or that powerlessness. That's the feeling. It's that powerlessness. I can't even get a four-year-old, a 10-pound four-year-old to put her clothes away, right? I can't. I feel so weak and powerless.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And then men especially take that personally and becomes existential. And then it gets loud. And then I think you'd be real clear, hey, the stakes are too high here. What was your relationship like with your dad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. So are you both kind of flying blind here on what a good dad looks like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Can we put that on the table? And you can look at him and say, now that I'm a mom, here's what I wish I'd had. And then here's a real fun exercise. Let's say your daughter's name is Julie. What do we want Julie, who do we want Julie to be the night she walks across that graduation stage in high school? We want her to be a person of character. We want her to be hilarious. We want her to be strong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
We want her to be independent. We want her to be able to follow instructions, like all those things. Write all those down and let's distill those all the way back to, okay, then as of right now, she's got to know that we love her no matter what. As for our house, no more yelling. As for our house, no more disappearing. And let's put some of those things on paper. Because I think both of you are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Have you heard me talk about pictures and words?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Okay. I think you have a picture of what you want him to be like. And he's got a picture of what he wants his kids to be like. And y'all are talking past each other. So let's go paint those pictures really clearly. Yeah. And then he's going to have to just be a grown man and get some new skills because he doesn't have a skill set.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
People who view the show, who listen to the show, consume the show. I'd love to have you on the show. Sometimes just a moment of bravery, reach out, ends up helping a whole lot of people. Go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form, and it will go to Kelly and Taylor, and they'll see if they can pick you for the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And you're going to have to be a grown woman and get some skills on communicating directly and clearly and go from there. Does that make sense? I don't know if this is helpful or not, but... No, yeah, that makes sense. I ache for him. It's like I want to hug him and also be like, bro, it's time. Yeah, like hug him and shake him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
It's shake and then pat pat and then shake and then pat pat. Because I've been him. I've been him. And I want him to know what it's like on the other side of this. When your nine-year-old daughter brings you this hilarious story that she's written in a secret card that says, I love you, daddy. You're my favorite.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And curls up next to you on the couch when you're sick and says, I want to watch whatever show you want to watch. I want them to know what it feels like to be at peace with your kids. And that means you're at peace with yourself. I want them to know what that feels like. And you can't. You just got to tell somebody, trust me, walk through that gauntlet. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But I will also tell you that it's become much, it's a much easier process when I know my wife isn't sitting next to me judging every step I take. She's with me, encouraging me and receiving feedback too, because it's not like she's perfect, right? But we're doing this thing together. You're on the right path, man. You're on the right path. You can't change him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
But man, you can sure encourage the heck out of them. And on the actual tasks, you can be very, very clear about some tasks. But let's get away. Let's swipe the thing clear. Both of you are trying to have a picture of a dad that you've never experienced in real life. Let's get aligned on that picture. And let's go try to make that picture real. I believe in you guys. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
Let's talk about cozy earth. Listen, in my house, I would prefer to sleep somewhere just south of the Arctic Circle. I like it cold. And my wife, she would prefer to sleep in a fire or maybe like in a grill. We can't agree on temperature, but we can agree on how much we both love our cozy earth sheets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And I don't know how they do it, some kind of temperature jujitsu, but she stays comfortable on her side of the bed, and I stay comfortable on my side of the bed, and we're both happy with our cozy earth sheets. And it won't shock you to know that before I started learning more about bedding, I just thought sheets were sheets were sheets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Loses It After 10 Minutes With The Kids
And I've come to learn that not all sheets are created equal. There's a huge range of quality, from that awful cheap old fitted sheet I slept on in college to masterfully crafted sheets created with softness, strength, temperature regulation, and comfort throughout. And Cozy Earth is not just another bed sheet company. They make their sheets out of viscose from bamboo.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I realized, oh, it takes about 15 seconds to plug in with somebody, to make somebody's day, to make them feel a little bit more human again. Or it takes 15 seconds to just completely blow by and let everybody pass each other in the day into the night.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And so whether you're being a plumber, whether you're being a counselor, whether you're learning how to be in the presence of hurting people, you have a gift. And that gift is you want to see other people have a little bit better day after they've met you than before. That's amazing. Very few people have that desire. That means you got to go get some skills. You got to learn how to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I mean, yeah, don't read all the paragraphs, but just tell me the story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And you've got the VA money and as a taxpayer, I'm happy to support your secondary education. Why don't you go get trained in how to do that? And along the way, if you start listening to stories and listening to stories and you start to realize, oh, there's a thread here. I could record this and put this on YouTube. That would be amazing. And along the way, I think you're going to find Andrew.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
you're going to realize Andrew's worth a little bit better day too. Hey everybody, check this out. Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe are having a new year sale going on right now. This past holiday season, I traveled all over the place and when I was out on the road, I would count down the days until I could get back home to my Helix mattress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest and I'm getting into new levels of deep, refreshing sleep. And every single one of my family members now sleeps on a Helix mattress. And my family, like all of you, are all different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And because everyone sleeps in their own unique way, Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs a little extra love, they have mattresses for you too. Helix offers a hundred night trial and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or a 15 year warranty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz, just like I did, and it will help you find the perfect mattress for your sleep preferences in under two minutes. And here's the best part. Like I said earlier, Helix is having a New Year's sale going on right now. 25% off site-wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase and a free bedding bundle. go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and not so good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
The stories of our pasts and the stories we have yet to write about our future are powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. As we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February. I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life forever for the better. If you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as an editorial partner helping you write new, better stories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
If you're considering therapy, I want you to consider BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we are back. Don't forget, you can go over to the Ramsey Network app. This show is hosted by Ramsey Solutions and the Ramsey Network. And you can go over and get the Ramsey Network app. You can get the show a week early and some other cool stuff. Go check it out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I think you can, Kelly, is there a link in the show notes or something like that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Let's go out to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Julia Guglia. What's up, Julia?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Of course. Thanks for calling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Yeah, totally. There's a lot there. There's a lot here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Some of it I've lived in my own marriage and some of it I've lived with my mom's pretty amazing story. I guess all of this, For me, sits on a really concerning fulcrum, if you will. Can I just poke?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
How long have you been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
How in a 20-year marriage are you still scared to tell your husband how you feel and what you want to do next?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay, so you don't have a great marriage. You have one that you have managed to peacekeep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
You have an arms agreement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
a great marriage when you come home and said, can't do this anymore. Your husband should say, who do I need to go kill? Right. And obviously nobody, but you're kidding. And you're like, I'm a grown woman.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I mean, but yeah. And then it's what's our next move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Because the way you laid it out to me, your mortgage is more important than your, than your husband's wife's sanity. That's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Yeah. But that tells me, here's what I could almost guarantee you. This is not about your job. This is about your kids about to leave your house. And how old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay. So you are starting to count the days down. You have three years left with one and six years left with another. And you're starting to realize this is my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
This has, I mean, every job has politics and gossip and drama. Every single one of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
There you go. What you have to deal with directly is you don't like living in your own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And right now, you're married to somebody who doesn't care how you feel in your own skin. He just needs you to tough it up and not get fired right now because he's got this thing he wants to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Give me more, give me more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Hold on. That's not true. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
No. And if your family is first, your job is in service to your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And so I'm not saying there's not seasons when you work 150 hours a week and there's not seasons when you're going to school and working and like that's life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But the person trying to be the last person on the Titanic of a business and we're just drinking and Adderalling and watching our family. Like that's not how men just handle problems.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Why doesn't he quit and get a new job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Here's what's awesome. You have a light at the end of the tunnel. He does. There's a dollar amount. No strings attached.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That's similar to when my boss calls and says, hey, your book just went number one. We want to get right back on the horse. Let's circle up and have a meeting about what the next book will be. When can we put it out? Right. And I listen to the conversations. We talk about it. They ask me what I'm researching and what I'm kind of obsessed with at the moment and what I want to write about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And it's all good. And then I go sit down with my wife and say, here's what our life could look like in the next 24 to 36 months. How would we map this out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And after writing three books in three years, my wife said, the best way you could show me you love me is to take a year off. Done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Done. You know what I'm saying? It's not a matter of what comes like, all right, here's this money and there's a light at the tunnel. It's you and him sitting down saying, okay, what is this going to mean for us? Because I don't like this life that we have. And what's cool is we have created this one, which means we can create a new one. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But what you're telling me is... I think he would... He would what? Yeah, go ahead. He would what?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Do you? I don't. Why are you at such a... Tell me where I'm missing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
No, it's not that. It's like... Here's the way I'm feeling you. Tell me if I'm wrong. You know, you're driving down the highway and you got out of the bathroom and you got to go pretty bad, but there's no exits. And then finally there's an exit and you exit and you've had to go for a while. And right when you exit and start to turn into the gas station, it's like becomes a hundred X emergency.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Like just sitting in the car like they were hanging out together a lot?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And it's like there's a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere, and now all of a sudden it's like, I got to have it right now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. And so what I'm asking you is, yeah, why all right now? Because it doesn't sound like you're running to something. It sounds like you're running from something. And I would guess you've been running from things your whole life. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I want you to run to something. Right. What do you want to run to? Well, that's the big question, isn't it? No, because I think you know. I think you're real smart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Mattering? Yeah, but those are amorphous. Those are moving targets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Cause your husband could quit this job, not take the money and come sit with you and be like, I love you and this and this. And you'd be like, well, mattering is this. And then this and that, like be specific.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But you're playing at the surface. Get beneath that. Where's the disconnect?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Why doesn't your husband value what you just said to me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But there's something you're not either confronting or something you're not telling me that's underneath all of these things because you've got this, you've got this stirring in your chest. And my guess is it's been stirring for a long time and it's about to burst on you. And I can't, I can't place it. Like you're about to go do something dumb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Like, do you have somebody at work that you're texting that you probably shouldn't know?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Do you have money that you're spending that your husband doesn't know about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay, what are the things about you that nobody knows that you are trying desperately to wallpaper over? You're about to do something and I can feel it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
What would that get you? Like that fantasy, what would that get you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And she did too. Yeah. Yeah. Well... Maybe not initially, but she did too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
When was that acquisition?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And you still haven't grieved that loss?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
No. And then you see your husband, your experience and your husband going through another acquisition and the whole thing's back on fire again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And when everything catches on fire, your body starts pulling memories from 20, 30, 40 years ago to justify how you feel right now, why you don't deserve to be taken care of, why your needs don't matter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And it also justifies your next destructive behavior move, the next drink, the next ignoring your kids to stay on your phone, the next texting back someone you're not married to, whatever the thing is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I know. I'm just throwing things out there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay, what is that avoidance getting you other than making you crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay, so let's stop. Here's what I want you to start solving for.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
One thing and one thing only. We're not solving for money. We're not solving for relational bliss. We're not solving for great sex. We're not solving for parent of the year. We're going to solve for one thing, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Peace. And the only way to solve for peace is to begin to list the things that are setting you off and head directly into them. Okay. Because here's what's coming your way. A hard conversation with your husband about what kind of life do we want to live, do we want to have together. Listen to me super carefully. You can have this in divorce court.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
You can have this while one of y'all is being open about your affair or pornography use or whatever. Or in rehab. Or you can both just spend the next 20 years, most of which will be empty nesters, you on your iPad, him on his cell phone, and y'all six inches apart from each other on the couch, but 6,000 miles away from each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Or January 1, which this show's coming out after that, but we're talking before that, you and your husband can go have a retreat. Y'all can get away for a day and be like, we get to create whatever world we want. What do we want our life to be like? You're about to be free from this crazy thing. We're going to have a whole bunch of money. What kind of world do we want to have?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But you don't think you're worth that conversation. Because you're worried if you say, well, actually, what if we sold the house and just downsized? We have two and a half years with our old list left. What if we sold this house and downsized? You're afraid he's going to say, I'm never doing that. You know, it's a stupid idea. And now you got to deal with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
with a husband that's not on the same page as you. And you got to do this with your job. You got to do this with your kids. You got to do this with your health. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm just seeing a path of freedom right in front of you, but you got to walk towards it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
It's not helpful. I mean, it's like, you're like, okay, thanks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay. Here's your homework. I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. I'm going to send it to you as just my gift. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But you got to promise that you'll go through it and you'll answer the questions and that you'll bring your husband with you. Okay. And if he says no, if he says no, then you go, you say, well, I'm a forge on ahead. Cause all you can control is what you can control.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But I want you to get a journal today on Amazon. That's too expensive. A nice one. Silly. Nice. Silly. Nice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I want you to begin to write down in it the things that you are anxious about. And make a checklist and head right through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I know. You're an anxious mind, dude. I get it. I can live that life. But listen to me. You have to know on the other side of this, I am free. I get stressed. I get pissed off. I get frustrated.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But 95% of the time, my brain doesn't take off on me anymore. And when it does, I kind of know where it's from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Not for avoidance, not for feeling good, not for maximization of profit, not to avoid a fight with my husband. Because sometimes to have peace, you got to go through a hard disagreement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Will you just say, I think I'm worth the effort that's coming?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But you're going to have to reinforce it all the time. I want you to put on your mirror right after this call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
A note that says, I am worth the work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Because what you have ahead of you is hard because you haven't done this your whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
You're still giving that bastard that hit you as a kid, you're still giving him a seat at your table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And then begin to ask your husband, what do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our finances to feel like? Why are we making all this money for what? For misery? If you love your team at work, if you don't like, now I'm going to have to navigate going back, we'll figure that out. All right, so I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside and Play Club.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I think I may be the only member. And yet, like all of you, I often find myself at work or in my personal life living on the internets. As a society, we've created more and more online accounts for everything, and we're all always signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend, and everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff all the time. It drives me nuts. And with all this online activity, Do we really know where our data is and who even has it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace. This new year, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Anthony. Hey, Anthony, what's up, man? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? Good, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
There's some pretty clear, pretty simple tactical things we can do there, but I don't think that's the purpose of this call. I think you need an answer to that question, not your kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I don't think you've dealt with him leaving you guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Not that, not that, not that, not that. He doesn't want to be in your life. But there's got to be a moment when you exhale and you drop your shoulders and you let past that Texas male armor and The understanding that you lost your dad and your brother bailed on you. And he said, you're not my family. I don't want you in my life. That hurts, man. Yeah, but I mean, it's life. No, it's not though.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And, um, so bring me to now y'all get, y'all just finally called it. Cause this sounds like just a mess.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I mean, it's life, but that doesn't mean you ignore it. Let me put it this way. At least honor your body. Because your body is still trying to solve for it. Because your body leaned on that guy for a long time. You had to ride or die. And he said, I don't want you in my life. You're not my family. Out. Which I can't. I mean, my brother is one of the best men I know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I can't imagine him calling me and saying that. I can tell you I've got one of my oldest friends on the planet. Did that exact same thing. Said, I wish you the best. I'm out. You'll never hear from me again. And dude, it left a huge hole in my heart. Sucks. So at least do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
What in the world's going on? Happy New Year. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. You're raising kids, trying to keep a marriage together. Look, whatever you got going on in your life, trying to navigate a divorce, whatever you got going on in your life, here's my promise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
At least sometime this week, in between Thanksgiving and Christmas when we're having this conversation, write him a letter that you'll never send him. Just tell him how much you miss him and how you wish him well, wherever he ends up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
because it's trapped in your chest right now whether you want to like admit it or not it is just life but it's not a good part of life just because life is our moms pass away someday doesn't mean we don't deal with it that's just life is the way Texans it's like a saying that Texans use just to avoid like dealing with hard things and then when it comes to your kids it's as simple as yeah daddy had a brother named so and so
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And he got real sick. And his particular sick was in his mind and he wanted to be left alone. And that's what you tell somebody until they're about 10 or 11. And when they get to be 10 or 11, they may ask a little, like, what do you mean he wants to be left alone? Like he really struggled with anxiousness. And when grandpa died, he really took it to heart. And he felt lost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And his way of dealing with loss was just to cut everybody off. That's the way he made him feel safe. And it makes your dad real sad. It makes Anthony, it makes your dad real sad. Then you tell your kids, but I'll never leave y'all. Ever, ever, ever. And as they get older and older, then it becomes a little more age appropriate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
At 13, 14, 15, you can say like, yeah, he struggled with depression his whole life or he was struggling with whatever was going on with him. And you'll know more context there. He drank too much. He struggled with, he smoked too much. Like you'll know the details there. And when somebody gets into ninth grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, you can start explaining some of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And depending on where your autistic son falls on the spectrum is how much he'll be able to appreciate some of that nuance. And listen, when you tell them that back part that it makes you really sad, you're not showing them weakness. You're not showing them vulnerability.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
You're showing them that they're not crazy because they will immediately imagine what if one of their brothers got that same sick and left them, how heartbroken they would be. And so you saying, I have feelings and I miss my brother and I wish he hadn't taken off. I miss him a lot. It's a gift to your sons. It's a gift to your daughters, gift to your kids. It makes them feel not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And if you haven't written your dad a letter, just tell him you miss him. Tell him all the things he's going to miss and what kind of dad you're going to be. Please do that too. What was your dad's name? I can do it. Pedro. Is he a good guy? Not so much. Complex? Yeah, a little bit. So maybe your letter is a little bit of a thumb on your nose. Hey, you left.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And so with therapy, I mean, sexual assault, the sexual assault, the sexual assault, um, I guess going over to somebody's house, hoping that it is just goes halfway and not all the way. I mean, this whole thing is messy, but I, I don't, I want to always start with if somebody gets sexually assaulted, you in the, in the army, um, her at the workplace, her with the boss, her with the power deck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Here's what kind of dad I'm going to be, just so you know. I'm going to be different than you were, because here's how. And by the way, brother, the fact that you're asking this question tells me you're already about legacy change, right? Yeah, definitely. What's the chances your old man would have called and said, like, hey, I've got this other kid. What's the best way to tell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
He would have called, right, to get wisdom on that, would he?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That's right. So you're changing. I mean, you are. You're a man of integrity. You're a man of wisdom. You want to do this thing right. You want to give these kids something that you didn't get. That's noble. I would hug you if you were standing in front of me, and I'd make it really awkward, too. I think you're a good dad, man. Do you feel good about the work you're putting in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Oh, yeah, definitely. That's amazing. The hardest thing is becoming a new father without a path forward. You're having to make this thing up as you go. Do you have some men in your life that are good dads that you can lean on? Not really. That's your homework assignment. You got two letters to write, one to brother, one to dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I want you to reach out to one or two guys, guys you work with, got uncles of yours, somebody in your life that you see they've got good kids. You see they've got a relationship with their children that you want to have one day. And you say, hey, I want to go buy you coffee. I'm going to buy you a beer. And let's sit and talk and say, I like how you're being a dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I want you to teach me because I didn't get that. My dad wasn't a good man. He had a bunch of kids that none of us even knew about. And then he died. And I want my kids to have something different, but I need a roadmap. Will you walk with me? I think this applies across the board. I haven't read it in like two years. There's a book by a guy named John Tyson.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
He's a pastor out of New York, but he wrote a book called The Intentional Father. And it's probably been the most influential book for me. And if you're not a person of faith, I still think it's a powerful, powerful book about the intentionality of it takes to be a good dad. So that may be a book to check out. And if you've never been to a church building, I mean, it's no problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
The book is still very, very, very wise, but it is written by a pastor. We'll link to it in the show notes. And I've never met John. I don't know anything about him. I just know that that book really impacted me in a very significant way. It even impacted me taking my son, my 14-year-old, to his first punk rock show recently. It's like he needs to see my life through his eyes, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Anyway, all I have to say is that that might be a place to start as well, but I want you to get a couple of men in your life that you can reach out to and say, all right, I'm about to do this thing all in. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
It's when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's actually good for your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start each of your days with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's something called the Daily Minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, Hallow's offering three months free when you join at hallow.com slash deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, I'm the problem. Is it me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Or are you? I think it's you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Go for it. Hey, you're rocking some gold chains today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Oh, usually you don't unbutton that many buttons, so it's cool. It's just blinding. It's not a bad thing. Jewelry's good. Anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I always want to start with, I'm going to sit with a victim first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I'm a come around the city bling bling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Pinky ring cost about 50. Bling, bling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Every time I buy a new ride. Okay. Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Is this where we are? Like, as a people? Is this what it's come to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I just don't know what to say. I just need more context. If you ask for a dog when you're nine. I have an eight-year-old that asks for a dog. Literally has no concept of any of it. But.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
No, I'm not going to call my, sweat my kid who can't afford a house. No. Yeah. It's dumb. It's dumb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
But you're the grownups.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Now, in college, I got a basset hound named Molly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Molly was my ride or die.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
The greatest dog that's ever existed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Agree or disagree. But Molly, when I came home to college, she lived with my parents for six months while I was in my first apartment before I could move. Yes, that's my responsibility to buy food, to buy vet bills, to repair their back door that she ate. I never did that, by the way. Sorry, mom and dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
It's my dog. Right. I said, can they stay at your house for a while? Right. And she destroyed everything. And I still didn't pay for that. But I gave my parents great-grandkids. I think that's a fair trade. Not really. I should have bought them a door. I'm sorry. But here's the deal. That's my dog. When your nine-year-old asks for a dog...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And then for nine of those 12 years the dog's been alive, that kid just lives in your house with the dog. Here's why I'm exasperated. I'm so sick of adults acting like children. I just can't anymore. I can't. Like, what parent would call their 21-year-old kid or 22-year-old and be like, hey, I need some money for vet bills. Because this is your dog.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
If you need money, like, hey, me and your mom have fallen on real hard times and we're struggling to make ends meet. Like, could you help? That's a different conversation. I'm all about that. It's your dog. You have to... Is that where we are?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That's like... Hey, when you were 12, you really wanted a futon in your room. And we got that futon, and it's time for us to get some new furniture. So we think you owe us about $112 on the new couch. What are we doing? Listen, adults, adults, if you will act like adults, regulated, yes, get emotional, yes, but overall regulated human being. Overnight, boom, the world would change.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
The whole world would change. But if you go hitting up your kids for back dog support, I don't even have the words for this. Yeah, dog support. I'm surprised. Okay, parents, hold my beer. Sue her. Sue your kid for back dog child support. Do that. Yeah, how about that? Dog parents, child support payments. Now we're talking. I like that. I've kind of burned this entire thing. Just ruined it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I didn't think I had any buttons to push today. I'm having a pretty great day, but you found the one, Kelly. You just mashed the crap out of it. That's what I do. It's one of your spiritual gifts. You and your bling bling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Love you guys. Nine-year-olds, listening. Hey, you shouldn't be listening, but we all know there's an adult crisis in this country. Nine-year-olds, don't ask for things that you can't afford 12 years from now. Think this through. God help us. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move after they've blown their lives up or someone else has blown their life up or just life has happened. So if you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
So now like this episode will come out in January, but this is December. So are you in like the 60 day you're in Texas? So it's 60 day waiting period. Yes, sir. So January 13th, January 13th is the final day. Okay. And as far as you know, this is over, over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Let me ask it this way. Okay. You're holding papers. They're in the 60-day period. As far as you're concerned, is this marriage over? I feel like I've done everything. She served you. This isn't a judgment question. This just informs what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
So if there's a period at the end of this marriage, the question, how do you navigate a sudden divorce? Is you put every ounce of energy you have into you getting well and you becoming somebody that you can hold your head up around. This entire story is a guy who does not see any value in himself. Some of that's because it was stolen from you through assault, through abuse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Some of that was because they told you that if you went to the military that that in and of itself... Would make you feel a certain way. And maybe it did. But then you left. And you left your brotherhood. And you left camaraderie. And you also left abuse. And you left everything. And now you're just sitting at home collecting checks. And you don't believe in you anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And so we're going to drink. We're going to outsource sex, not to our wives, but to strippers and to pornography. And we're going to outsource. We're going to smoke a lot. All you're doing is just every morning you get up and your alarms are going off. The ones that are supposed to keep you safe, the ones that are saying, dude, you only get one life. Make the most of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And you're like, I can't today. And you climb up and you pull the batteries out. That's it. Mm-hmm. And so how do you navigate a sudden divorce? You grieve like crazy because this isn't how you drew it up. Yeah. And you get real, real sad. And you devote yourself not to mindless, I will be a beefcake. But you're going to go exercise. And you're going to go see a counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And before we start the show, please hit the subscribe button. Hit the subscribe button. Especially on the YouTubes and the podcast. It makes such a huge difference across the board for us. All right, let's roll out to East Texas. Almost Louisiana, but not quite. Tyler, Texas, and talk to Andrew. Hey, Andrew, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And alcohol, weed, pornography, it's all Xanax. It's all a numbing device to keep you from being comfortable in life. I'm sorry, to keep you from experiencing the discomfort you feel of living in your own skin. How long have you not liked Andrew? I guess I've been trying to figure that out. Don't try to figure it out. Just answer it. You haven't liked you for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And just that embarrassment and the shame and the isolation all by yourself? Yeah. Okay. So tonight, I want you to write a letter to that second grade you. And I want you to tell second grade you that shouldn't have happened. And it wasn't your fault that you got embarrassed and ashamed. You're just a second grade little kid hiding papers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And that teacher should have treated you with more dignity. And I want you to make a commitment to 35 year old Andrew. That I'm not going to descend and become one of the millions of unmarriable men in this country. Yeah. But I'm going to develop a purpose. What do you want to do, man? That's a stupid question. Who do you want to help in this world? You can help people by being a plumber.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
You can help people by being a professor. You can help people by being a surgeon. You can help people by being a roofer. The job, I don't care. Who do you want to help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay, so that has a success rate of 2%. I just made that number up. I like it. I pay all my bills with YouTube show, so I'm not anti that. But most YouTube people I see that are successful have built upon years of practicing. That's not everybody. There's some people who just show up, right? But How would you become good at interviewing? How would you become good at storytelling?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay. How are you going to do that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That's the production side. Here's what I'm trying to get you to do. I want you to be very granular and very specific about what your next steps are. What courses do you need to take? Do you need to go take some classes on how to sit with people who are hurting? What are you going to do? And one of them says, well, my happiest moment was the day after my dad passed away. You know what I mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Then now you're in it, right? So what's the outcome? If you have a YouTube channel where you tell people stories about their happiest moments, what does that get you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Keep going. Who needs to hear that? Someone like me. Keep going. What do you need to hear?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Okay, I want you to remove the camera because you just said something profound to my friend Andrew. You can't give an audience what you don't have. I see. And I want you to first believe that there is life after tough stuff. And you going and reflecting everybody else's
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
journeys isn't going to heal that hole that's inside your chest right now you're going to have to sit down and decide i'm worth the work that it's going to take to heal the abuse what i saw during my military service my loneliness my failed marriage my rubbing my wife's nose in it her cheating on me all those things i got to work through those things and not dwell on them and live in them but i got to process them and get them out of my body so i can get on to the next stop
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Do you get what I'm saying? I don't want you chasing for other people what you're trying to give yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
Yeah. But here's what I hear you also say, that you want people to have a little bit of a better day. Yes, yes. That when people get their head down or when the world knocks the wind out of them, you want there to be a path for them to see, no, no, no, no, no, that's just today, but tomorrow could be better. And that's where I want you to consider using some of that VA money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
I don't know. What happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
And I want you to go consider becoming a counselor, even if it's just an addictions counselor, which is just a two-year program. I want you to become skilled in sitting with hurting people. Okay. And in the process of doing that, and dude, that might be, I learned working at Burger King that like it took 15 seconds for me when I was 17 years old, taking an order to,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
That if I said, they would walk up to the register and they would just look straight at the menu. They wouldn't even make eye contact and be like, oh, number one with no cheese. And I'd go, oh, hey, how are we doing today? Fine. No, no, really, how are we doing? And they would drop their shoulders and make eye contact with me. And it was almost a snap back to humanity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Hey, coming up, we are talking to a veteran who is struggling with alcoholism. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about red light therapy. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long, long time. And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about Bonn Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Listen, our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium-sized screens, and big screens. And all of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bonn Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and additionally in EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I use Bond Charge's red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and even help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat. I use all of these things all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's Red Light Mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I've got the mask, and I'm looking handsome. Just wear it 10 minutes to a few times a week for fun. fresher skin, and it's super easy. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to say 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to say 15%. Go check them out. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading a whole bunch of creepy people back to us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And now scammers are using phishing attacks, that's phishing with a PH, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. Have you ever got an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's really looking out for you? With the new technological advancements, really no one is safe anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So what are we supposed to do? Start controlling what you can. First, you learn about how to be careful online and offline with your digital footprint and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That way, I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data and then selling it to other people that I don't even know about. DeleteMe has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment, and the other online threats before they even start, and take control of your digital privacy with DeleteMe. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney for 20% off their annual plan. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Chattanooga, Tennessee and talk to Tyler.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
What's up, my brother? I'm doing great, man. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Awesome. Hey, can I just say, I don't even know what you're hanging on to, but I'm proud of you for hanging in there. Whatever's going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Good on you, man. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
How often do you say this out loud? The story you just told me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I don't think you have a drinking problem, to be honest with you. And bro, feel free to challenge me, okay? Yeah. I think alcohol is playing an important role in your life. I think you have an I don't love Tyler problem. And I've created a life that I don't want to live in anymore. then alcohol plays a pretty important role in keeping you from doing something pretty stupid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I'm exhausted. I'm not talking about tired from sleep. I went to a concert last night. I'm tired. You sound like you're tired of, you're exhausted from being in your own skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
How long have you been fighting dude? Not just alcohol, but how long have you been fighting Tyler?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Yeah. When did you realize Tyler's life was something you needed to escape from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So you just said two important things and the Marines I've sat with over the years, not that great. And for the most part are usually fantastic coverups for some pretty gnarly stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
No, I'm sorry. I interrupted you. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Bro, is this your... I feel like you are truly honoring me, so don't ever apologize, okay? I made a choice to sit down and talk with you, and it's an honor, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So here's the one gap I see in your entire story, okay? And this is just me promising you I'm going to tell you the truth. I can't. My buddies who are SEALs can't. You can't. You cannot hold all of this by yourself, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And the gap between this work you're doing, which dude is freaking noble. I'm proud of you. It's awesome. But the gap between this work and you exhaling and finally setting all these cinder blocks you're carrying around down is you have to get with other people. You cannot do this by yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
It's the same thing as you would not get in a truck as a gunner and just head out past the wire by yourself. You wouldn't do it. Nobody would do that. It's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Yet so many of you guys come home and you go in your apartment and you know, you know better than I will ever know what brotherhood is, what friendship is, because you got a line of people who are ready to get deployed and die on your behalf and you for them. And so you come home to an apartment and Janet next to you is like, you left your trash can lit up, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. When she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home. You didn't really see that coming? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us talking about your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So, I mean, you know that disconnect. And you have a second layer. Somehow you've convinced yourself that there's shame in being trained and not going. And so you don't feel like you're fully in that gang. But you're not fully in the civilian gang. And by the way, you've been holding up your whole family forever. And you just kind of blew over my dad left. You know, you get what I'm saying? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And you got a six-year-old who's now, how old are you now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Yeah, you got a six-year-old wondering why I don't fit in with the military guys with the stories and why I don't fit in with my civilian friends and why I don't fit in in this town where I don't have any friends. And then by the way, dad, what was so bad about me that you left?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Of course you're drinking, bro. Alcohol works. And this is going to sound crazy. I'm going to applaud you for finding something that works in the meantime. And your strategy is going to kill you. You know that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. So instead of continually fighting, what's essentially become a crutch for you until you go sit with a trauma counselor and walk through and let that little six-year-old boy stop wondering what was so bad about him. Because by the way, nothing. And that peacemaker skill set you have can stop working for everybody else, making sure they're at peace, and you can start working on inside. I can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Then you deal with the alcohol. Because you've got a new support system to help you walk. What scares you about talking to people in real life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You're a Broadway performer.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
What's so bad about you that if somebody sees it, that they're going to be disgusted or walk away or not want to be around you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Let's throw the shoulds out. And I just want to suggest that disgust has probably played a role in keeping you safe too. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
If you can make the switch from I should have and I have to and I've got to and I need to, if you can make the shift to I get to because I'm worth it, that's peace. I get to tell the truth because I'm worth not hiding from. I'm a pretty good guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Where else did you say, this is mine and this is yours? You did that with your fantasy life and you did that with tax refund checks. Where else did you do that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I grew up in a hellscape and I've told everyone my whole life that I was good except for a few things. Growing up in the house with somebody who struggles with meth and also her kid and your brother going off to get a bunch of medals and pins and your dad disappearing and your mom living in that chaos and you being her emotional support animal. Bro, no kid can carry that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And you're almost 30 and you're still carrying it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And I think I want you to, yes, I want you to cut back on drinking. I want you to sit with somebody and begin to work through that. But I want your position to not be, I need to stop drinking because what you'll do is if you don't deal with that six-year-old kid inside your chest, you're just going to move to another thing. And it might be work or it might be rage or it might be success.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
It might be some, it's going to be another drug.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Instead, I want your position to be, I am declaring a ceasefire inside my own chest. My nine-year-old self wanted to go to war. My 30-year-old self is glad I'm still here in all one piece. My 21-year-old self wanted to get in the action too. And bro, I totally get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And maybe I'm going to go back to grad school and become a counselor and sit with those that did because I can speak their language. Just the landscape is wide open. I just need you to believe it. If you, for the listeners, we often change the state and the town just in case. I'm going to put this out there and you can let me know who's on the phones right now when we get off the call.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
If you're in my area here, I want to get your contact info and I'll go have coffee with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Do me a favor. Make a fist. Yeah. Whatever hand you would punch somebody in the mouth with, make a fist with that hand, left-handed or right-handed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And put it right square in the middle of your chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And exhale as deep as you can and pull your shoulders all the way down. And say these words to me and the millions of people that will see this clip. I love this guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And I'm done fighting him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Amen. Amen. So you get off this phone call, I want you to pull up Google and I want you to commit to go into a meeting tonight, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And no more hiding. You have nothing to hide about. Have you done stupid stuff? Yes, we all have. Have you done some big stupid stuff people don't know about? Probably.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You've been working really hard on making yourself a great dad. a good man, you're doing the next right thing. You called me, next right thing. You're going to sign up for a counselor, next right thing. You're going to go talk to, start going to meetings, next right thing. Are you back in the gym?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That's not true. That's not true. You take your little boy for ice cream? No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That's something you do, right? You tell him you love him every time you see him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That's something you do, right? Do you wrestle with him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That's something you do, right? Do you honor his mom even if she makes it really tough on you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You're doing a whole bunch right, brother. So that not true statement, that dishonest statement, you're not going to say that anymore? You're doing a lot of things right. Understood. Fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
It has been a high honor to talk to you today, brother. I don't get to talk to a lot of men. I talk to a lot of men who are doing good stuff, and I talk to a lot of men who feel frozen and stuck. I don't get to talk to a lot of men who are frozen. frozen and yet are scratching and clawing from the inside of that ice cube to get out. And that's what you're doing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And I've got the utmost respect for you, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And if you drink on day seven, okay. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram and just say, day one, and I'll applaud you again because we're back on the horse. But we're not going to war with Tyler anymore. We're making peace with Tyler. Cease fire. It's over. We're friends now. Now we're going to do the next right thing together. And that cannot be done alone. It has to be done to other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Period. Point blank. End of story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
If you come down and visit me, I'll have coffee with you. If you bring a couple of guys, I'll take you out for lunch and buy your lunch. How about that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
All right. High, high honor. I'm going to send you Building a Non-Anxious Life as just a gift. It's a roadmap for you, man. And the secret to that book is it's not just about anxiety. It's about being uncomfortable in your own skin. It's not going to be a tool to help you stop drinking, but it will help you build a life that will make alcohol less and less relevant. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And if you're like any of my other buddies who are veterans, I'm going to also send you the network I work for is the Ramsey Network. Their flagship product is Financial Peace. I'm going to send you that, too. And you can start getting control of your money because I know that haunts you, too. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. And I'm going to give you all nine lessons. They're digital lessons. You can just watch them by yourself. Or if you want to be a gangster, have your six-year-old sit down by you and watch them together. And you all can talk about them over ice cream. And you can say, this cycle stops with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
All right. I love you, good man. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I am proud of you, dude. If everybody's listening, this right here, what you just heard from brother Tyler here, this is what bravery and courage looks in real time, in the real world. Having the grit and determination, I will make the next right step. God, it's what an honor to talk to you, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
When we come back, I'm going to talk to a new mom who is mourning the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and struggling with the idea of going back to work. This applies to millions of you because I get your questions. Stay tuned. All right, so Easter has come and gone again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
When she moved to go take care of her parents, how often did you see each other? How often did y'all talk?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, and about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So if you're committed to consistent practice of gratitude, prayer, or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Whether it's a guided meditation, there are tons of music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life feels like it's falling apart. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for God with Halo. Plus, when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Go to Halo, H-A-L-L-O-W, halo.com slash Deloney for three months for free. What up, Elizabeth?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Of course, love. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I am running a scam called a podcast. What's up? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
What's your, are you married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Were those just conjugal visits or were they high fives and you just go back home?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. What's he make a year?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So y'all can afford health insurance if you wanted it, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. So answer me the question, why are you back at work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So it feels so cruel and soulless, right, when I ask it like this. What do you want more, the Tahoe and the jet skis, or do you want to be holding your babies?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Is he not on board with this plan?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I feel like you're holding back a little bit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
He makes $180,000 a year. Y'all are going to make it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You're really close already.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So are you not telling, well, there's two things or one big thing. Either that statement isn't true. It's something you just keep repeating to yourself. Because if he makes, if he made 35,000 bucks and he was in grad school and he was driving Uber in the morning and you had to go back to work because y'all have to eat.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Because apartment rent is insane and house rent is insane and buying a house, God help anybody trying to do that, right? Yeah. If that was the case, I would exhale with you and say, y'all are in a rough season and I hate it for you. And I would say he's an amazing dad and husband trying to grind it out and make it work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
He makes $180,000, by the way, in a field where he is hustling and scratching and clawing, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
He's not sitting at a desk just getting a salary. He's busting it out there, which tells me he's a hard worker and he'll go get stuff done when he needs to, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. So either he's the best husband and father and you haven't been fully honest with him about how much your job is killing you, or he's not the best husband and father. He's a pretty selfish guy who doesn't care that his wife is withering away in her own home because Because he wants his new Tahoe and he wants his jet skis.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
One of those two things is true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. So. So basically he's using his wife as his insurance plan or his fallback plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Yeah. That's not a good way to quote unquote use your wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
If y'all both agree for a season, my job's pretty precarious. I need you to pick up some work or go back and get a full-time job so we can make sure at least we have health insurance for this little baby. I get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
To want to be a stay-at-home mom? God, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. And so maybe that's not the company for you. And that's okay. That's a conversation for a future thing. But the deeper thing here is I don't think you're struggling with going back to work with a new baby. I think the baby exposed, you're living with a provider, but a very selfish man. And you've probably always known that a little bit, but you could navigate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And now that you have a kid, you can't navigate it anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And what in the world? He's allowing his family to speak in on his behalf. They don't get to do that. They don't get a vote.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
A sacrifice is when a mom and dad say, in this season, we have three kids under the age of four. We will never go to a restaurant for a calendar year because we simply cannot afford it. I'm going to take the bus. I'm going to get a ride to work. I'm going to make this full-time sales job, and at night I'm going to go to night school so that I'm not beholden to if one account goes away, we starve.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That's a sacrifice. Not going on a third vacation is not a sacrifice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Not being able to travel to family holidays, that's not a sacrifice. It's just not. Not in the grand scheme of all humanity until like 30 years ago. And I'm not mad at you at all. I'm just, this is the cultural air that we're all breathing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay, but you're in the same community? Yeah. Okay. And all these questions I'm asking, they're serving a purpose, and here's where I'm headed with them. Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. And so there's not a good standard stamp answer to how long after a divorce is finalized is it smart or safe to start dating because it's so context-dependent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Because the illusion is those things, that stuff, those pictures on Instagram or in our phones are somehow going to give us the peace that, here's why financial stress destroys marriages. Number one, there is the basics. If you're hungry, you don't make good choices. If you're scared to death at work, you don't make good choices.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
If you don't have a car or you're cold because you don't have any heat, totally get it. Abject poverty is very tough, right? But the reason financial stress hurts most marriages is because people aren't united in moving forward towards a goal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And so the unity is the problem, up to a certain point, not the income level.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Everything above that is about ego and pride and what I want to show the world or what I think I quote unquote deserve.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
The piece you're chasing is found in both people with both feet in the boat. Are you scared that if you tell him the truth about how you feel, you're going to end up like both of y'all's families?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You think he's going to resent you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay. So you'll have a resentment collision in slow motion happening right in front of me. And it doesn't make you unique. Every marriage I know has multiple seasons of this. But somebody has to stop and put it on the table. Like this. I can't breathe in my own house. Every morning I hand this kid off to go sit in some dead-eyed office to make money for somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I can't, it's not about being the best mom and wife. I mean, that's a performance thing. This is about, I'm starting to hate breathing in my own skin. I don't like the life, the thought of somebody else raising my kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And so I want us to put on paper a four month plan for me to stay home. What must be true? A six month plan. In six months, I'm out. So what subscriptions do we have to cut? What cars do we have to sell? What credit cards do we have to pay off? What house do we have to downsize? What vacations are we going to cancel? What must be true? And put on the table, I don't want to resent you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I love you too much. And by saying this stuff out loud, I'm terrified that you're going to resent me and not love me or this kid. Put it on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Somebody's got to break the loop. And I get, dude, I don't want to badmouth the guy. Sounds like he's working hard, but it sounds like he's trapped too. And this is what, I didn't have this life growing up. I'm going to make this life, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And I think the challenge is for two people at this point in a marriage, both of you come from broken homes, from divorced homes, right, from a mess, and you're trying to create something new, and you both go in with a picture of what that looks like that's well and good and that helps you survive. Now you have a kid. Now you've got to both say, okay, what is our picture going to be?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Let's co-create it together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Well, there's two ways. One, feel what you're going to feel. Your body's going to try to protect you any way you can. And many young girls who come from divorced homes, their job was to keep the emotional lights on in the house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
That can't be your job anymore. You'll have to both do that. So your job isn't to make sure all the windows are open and the sun's in the house. That's both of y'all's job, which means some days he opens the blinds and some days you open the blinds. So your body's going to feel what it's going to feel. It's going to try to keep you safe the way it's been trying to keep you safe your whole life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And the way you're painting it, and you and I could probably talk over a couple of drinks here in Oklahoma City for a couple hours. Like, it sounds like y'all have been roommates for a long time. And when you're roommates, this is mine, this is yours. You did this. Oh, well, I'm going to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You can't make decisions based on that. And then the second part is we have to approach those throwaway statements. Well, life is expensive. Cool. Let's map it out. Let's see.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And for a season when you have young kids, that's not enough?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I'm asking you. That's $10,000 extra a year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
No, it's not. It's more than that. No, it's about $10,000 a year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Okay, that's where you have to go. Because couples can be all over the place when it comes to beliefs. They can be all over the place when it comes to desires. They got to be unified on those central values. And central values are things like, I want peace in this house. Or central values are
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
If one of you hates your job and needs to get out of it for whatever reason, we're going to both work together to see if that's a reality. It might be a two-year reality. It might be a five-year reality because we borrowed so much money we can't do it. We literally can't do it right now. It might be a six-month reality. 900 quote-unquote extra dollars, if you're smart – or not smart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I didn't say that right. If you are savvy, can become $1,200. $1,200. And that's assuming, you're assuming he might lose an account, but he might gain an account. And if he's a great scrappy go-get-em salesman, he needs to find another job that's not so precarious that one account, the whole world goes away. He can go use those talents. Everybody, the world spins around salesmen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
He can go find other sales jobs that will pay him a considerable amount of money. Everybody's looking for a good salesman. Everybody. And so I think it's about saying, okay, six months, what must be true? And by the way, I don't want him to do that. I want y'all to do that. Y'all to do it. Kelly, what's that insurance company that Rachel...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And there's scorekeeping and there's – I did the dishes on Friday and you owe me $4.28 for the Arby's meal that one time. Like, right when there's that kind of – Like my buddy George Campbell said, it's like when couples start Venmoing each other, right? Y'all are roommates because that's what me and my roommates did in college.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Yeah, check out Christian Healthcare Ministries. I don't know if they don't have a faith requirement, I don't think, but that's the name of the company. Go check them out. That might be a great alternative also. A friend of mine endorses them, and I've heard great things about their product. I just don't want you to Google one thing and be like, all right, that's it, and then move on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And I also know there's sales jobs because I work at a place where there are salesmen who get benefits. And so it might be, okay, I'm going to look around and I'm going to go get a job doing sales where I make 150. But I'm also going to get health insurance and benefits so we can all exhale a little bit. What I'm saying is there's a path. There's a path. There's a path. You're not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I shout from the rooftops and salute anybody who wants to be a stay-at-home mom. Love it. Love it. Love it. And... you're headed towards a slow moving resentment wreck. And so, yeah, I think it's saying I tried it for two months. I tried it for four months, however long you've tried it. I'm going to have to make a change. Feel how, feel like, oh my gosh, I feel this. I feel that. I feel guilty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I feel whatever. Exhale and then go do the next right thing for your family together. It was a tough one, Elizabeth. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. More and more people are becoming aware of the need for mental and emotional and physical health resources.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Whether it's finally taking action with their physical health, finally getting some friends to do life with, or finally getting the courage to seek professional mental health support. But when it comes to seeing a therapist, over a quarter of the people surveyed say they avoid getting therapy due to fear of judgment. I understand this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I felt the same judgment before I finally got the courage to go get help. When people won't get help, it doesn't just affect them. It affects their families, their workplaces, and their entire communities. The world is better when people are healthy and whole. And if I can be selfish for a moment, the world is better when you are healthy and whole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. They have a network of more than 30,000 licensed therapists with a wide range of specialties. BetterHelp has over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And so when you're there and then somebody takes off and you throw five kids into the mix under 11, right? You can't survive that if you are not completely unified in a singular purpose on we're building something together. So my suggestion would be, or just in two seconds of hearing you talk is, you've been living a separate life for a long time. Y'all come together to make kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So to get started, fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost, and it's really easy to switch. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash deloney. All right, Kelly, something cool happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I'm telling you right now. If... Here's the honest truth. Some husbands don't act in a way that is worthy of their wife grabbing their face and saying, hey, stop, stop, stop. I am proud of you. I'm glad I picked you to do life with. I only got one shot at this. I'm glad I chose you. Some guys aren't there. But for those that are, nobody's perfect.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
But for those that are, I'm telling you right now, if you're listening to this show, make it a point tonight to take a quick stolen moment, grab your husband by the face, just look him in the eyes and say, I need you to hear me say this. I'm so proud of you. So glad I chose you. I'm grateful every day at how you're trying to hold this whole thing together in a crazy world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Dude, that's like a drink of water in a desert for an exhausted husband. Thank you guys so much. Love y'all. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And at the same time, it sounds like, and tell me if I'm bonkers, when she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home on a divorce. You didn't really see that coming? I didn't. Okay. So how long ago, six months ago, about right now, when she said, I'm filing? Yeah. How long were you married, man? 14 years. My gut tells me you're still walking around
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Real people going through real challenges from all over the planet. Give me a call. 1-844-693-3291. or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
The house after the tornado, just sitting in the damage of a house that's been completely blown over. And you're trying to see, like, I can save this potholder. This guitar still was in a case. It's okay. Here's a few photo out. But, like, you're still walking around a completely wiped out house. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And something else that you said that raises an eyebrow for me is when she made this announcement, you went into try to save it mode, which means six months later, you may be sitting at your house right now on the phone with me. Really beating yourself up for quote unquote what you did to blow up this house. Or that somehow this is all your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
You don't get to see your kids every night because this is all your fault.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Yeah, that's definitely where I'm at. Can I just tell you, man, I wouldn't wish where you are on my worst enemy in the world. I'm sorry, dude. I know that doesn't bring her back. It doesn't bring your kids bouncing through the house back. And, um, you never thought you would miss all the noise in the house, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And now that house gets deaf or your apartment or wherever you're living gets really, really quiet at night. Doesn't it? Yeah, it really does. I'm sorry, man. So tell me about what you're thinking with dating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
My fear for you, brother, is... You're doing probably what I would do, which is the very overly masculine one tool in the toolkit response, which is this. You're going to go fix this. You're going to fix you. You're going to fix a future marriage. You just need, it's kind of like you're at the YMCA and somebody, a team just came in and wiped your team out, just crushed y'all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And you immediately are like, I'm not going home like this. Let's run it back with another team. I got to get back out on the court right now. And if you do that before you sit down with your team and say, hey, why do we get beat so bad? And we got to work on our shots and we got to work on passing. We got to learn a few plays. The tendency is I want to fix this right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
I want to stop hurting so bad. And you quickly tell yourself a story. Oh, what will make me not hurt is a companion, a wife, a chance to run this thing back. Because now I've got my pornography problem licked. Now I'm never going to say this is mine and that's yours. I'm not going to do that again. Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And most of the time I see that happen, I see people run right back into the exact same brick wall they just got a concussion from. Does that sound right? Or do I sound crazy? It sounds like you're really staggeringly, and I completely understand it, it sounds like you are staggeringly lonely. Yeah, I'm definitely lonely. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
here's what I hate on two ends I hate for you just the thought of you just a good guy just sitting at home I hate the thought of you just being at home in a quiet house by yourself every evening and I hate when your kids you get to see your kids you suddenly have to perform you don't get to just be with them with your shoulders dropped it has to be a show now I hate that for you and I hate that for them
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And on the other side, I would hate to see you two years down the road dating and dating and dating and trying and trying to fill that void with another person, another person, another person. But the same demons are still haunting you. And so the demons I'm concerned about are beneath the pornography, beneath the...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
What must be true for me to feel alive in my own skin, in my own house, in a house with five rambunctious bananas kids, with a wife who doesn't look the same, who's tired, who's exhausted, but we're all in the same team, that we don't keep score together, that you're able to hear feedback and criticism and go forward. Those same demons are going to haunt you wherever you go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
So all I have to say is my dream for you would be that, and I learned this from Dr. Young who trained me. I would love for you to say, I'm not going to jump into anything for six months to a year after the smoke clears. And I don't think the smoke has cleared yet. What I would love you to do though is get a group of guys that y'all commit to going fishing every Saturday.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Or you'll never hear me recommend this again, but go play golf. Go play pickleball. I don't know what you're into. Go bowling. Go do silly stuff, but fill the void with real relationships with men, with guys that you can finally practice being yourself. You've never been allowed to fully be yourself. And fully being yourself wasn't always great, right? So you have to have guys that call you out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
An exhausted mom of four who's pregnant with number five just may not have the energy to fight you when she finds out you just spent the $2,000 on a TV or a golf club or whatever you spend the tax return on. A buddy for sure will, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Awesome. That's fantastic. After y'all go shooting, I want to challenge you for the next 60 days, the next two months to have the courage to say, hey, we're watching whatever fights, whatever game, whatever's going on at my house or at the local Wild Wings or whatever. I'm getting the first round or I'm buying the first round of wings. I'd love to invite y'all to come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And several guys can be like, no, I got family, I got this, but a couple will show up. I would challenge you to do that and begin exhaling and learning that you're not the worst person who's ever lived. And it took two people to tango in the marriage you had. And you've got to learn to forgive yourself and you've got to learn to exhale.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
In short, the Twitter statement here is become a guy through action that you deeply respect. And then that gives a new romantic partner something to anchor into when you meet. Otherwise, you're using somebody else to feel better, and that makes you a parasite. That makes you like a vampire. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes good sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Is there anything about you, and this is just you being vulnerable, anything about you that you don't respect? Um... I've got several things with me. What about you? Yeah, definitely. Rattle them off. Say a couple out loud.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Still haunts you? Yeah. Have you sought forgiveness and to make that right with her? Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to tell you with that lingering fear of yourself, that lingering, you can't trust yourself. 15 years later, 14 years later, that's a place where I want you to spend some time working on it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
Because every time you feel like something's going well, that little demon's going to pop up and say, yeah, but one time, years ago, you did this. Yeah. My dream for you, brother, is you find forgiveness for yourself, peace for yourself through a community of men who hold you accountable. You'll have fun with, you'll laugh with, you'll learn things with, you'll do silly things with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Too Soon to Start Dating After My Divorce?
And from there, you become a man that you respect, which then in turn, you're not expecting somebody else to fill that gap for you. You're able to show up for somebody whole and then they can anchor in. And now y'all are off to the races. Grateful for the call, man. Thanks for trusting me just to throw some things out there for you to chew on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Before you even ask, what is he telling you to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
For now. But iceberg, dead ahead. Like, it just keeps.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Good Lord, your house is a boring place, isn't it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
That's where we drink. Congratulations. Thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Despite my best efforts to wreck it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Why didn't your husband go storming into his mom and dad's house and say, what's going on here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I don't care about that. Like, you get to say, like, I'm kind of not like that until somebody... And it makes it worse because it's my sister, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Right, so these are both your grandkids. And I'll get into the family business dynamics here in a second, but, like, I'm interested in the... I'm just putting myself in this position. If my wife had a kid and my dad was her boss and my sister's boss, and a woman's pregnant with one of his grandkids, and he's like, yeah, your butt's going to be back here on work on Monday.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Let's go out to San Bernardino, California, and talk to Nathaniel. What's up, Nathaniel? Hi, John. How's it going, man? Good. Just another day. Hey, exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And then another woman's pregnant with another one of his grandkids, and he's like, nah, you take your time. Work from home. I'm just going to pay you. Money's just going to show up. Yeah. What are you talking about? I'll be in there for that next morning. Where's your husband on this? I don't care. You don't get to say, I just don't like that. I don't give a crap. You're not doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I would have. I'm an impulsive baby sometimes, though, but I would have quit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
You're mature. I struggle with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Has your husband worked there, too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
All right. Here's the truth about family business.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Sometimes the kids get treated differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I would have assumed that you're one of the kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Your in-laws have confirmed you are not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And so I am going to, I want you to imagine, you may have heard me talk about this. I want you to imagine you have like a small wooden box on your kitchen table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And in that box, I want you to imagine, and it should be, the number should be five, four, five, or six people who get to speak into your life in that box. Who have permission to hurt your feelings, have permission to challenge your values, have permission to really come at you like, hey, are you sure this is right for your kid? That kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And I want you to consciously take them out of that box.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
That doesn't mean you don't love them. That doesn't mean you don't highly respect them. That doesn't mean you don't do everything you can to get to Christmas or whatever. That means as you had a picture of what this loving, connected relationship was going to look like with these in-laws.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
You had a picture of what kind of grandparents they were going to be with your kids and their grandkids and your relationship with them or whatever. And there's also this work relationship. I don't want to jeopardize the family side of this because I have a integrity question when it comes to business management. So I'm going to take them out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And if you're financially able to, yeah, I'd put in my two weeks. If you're not, I would keep working until you find an opportunity that's going to be great for you. Okay. And with three kids under five, I am going to, it's going to be a tough, tough road to hoe, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It's going to be tough. Do they pay you in a way that's cost prohibitive for you to move?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Gotcha. So let me tell you, you're right to have your feelings hurt. I have my feelings hurt for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It just feels yucky. I'm pissed off at your husband.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Okay. That's what I was digging for. You owe it to him and your marriage to not keep secrets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Because we often think about protect and provide, right? We're going to protect and provide. He's a cop, for God's sake. That's my gang, right? Yes. And he knows how to handle a gun. He knows how to handle himself. He's got a taser on. He knows how to do that, but he doesn't know how to call his mom and say, Mom, what the crap?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And sometimes protect is about muscles and bullets. Fine. Most of the time in the modern world, protect is about you will treat my wife with dignity and respect and honor. And this is dishonoring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Dude, walk me through that one, man. When you say catch, what do you mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Okay. I don't, here's the thing. I, man, cause let me say it like this. Every wife in a similar situation ish, If you're really honest with yourself, you feel like the chips are on the table and he chose mom, not you. Or he chose keeping the peace with mom and dad over, hey, something doesn't feel right here. And by the way, they're the boss. They can do whatever they want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It's your green kit, right? You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So, I don't want this to... be a small potted plant like I'm just thinking of like a clay pot with soil in it that you hold in your chest that's the secret where a seed just got planted of yes I trust him that he'll fight for me yes I trust he'll take a bullet for me but man he didn't even call his mom yeah right yep you're right
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And so it's now going to be on you, and this sounds unfair, and people are going to be mean to me in the YouTube comments. I don't care. It's now on you to not... In my estimation, again, I'm only getting one side of the story. He might come and be like, bro, you don't understand. Actually, my wife's a terrible worker. My parents have been telling me that, and I don't know what to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So there's a whole other side, I'm sure. But from where I'm sitting... He messed up by not going and saying, hey, mom and dad, I need some clarity on this. This doesn't look right to me. And I would say that was a glitch in your relationship. That was something that put you second place. And he said before God and family, no, you come first, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
On the other side, I don't want you to plant the seed and had this grow into some sort of resentment, frustration, because it will, and it'll come out in weird ways, I don't want you to put a glitch in the relationship too. I want you to come across the bow and say, hey, we need to talk. I'm going to resign this position. I'm going to let them go do their thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I want to have a grandma and grandpa more than I want to have always be looking over my shoulder to see who's getting, like, whatever. I'm just going to opt out. But man, I gotta be honest with you. I wish you'd called your mom. I wish you'd called your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Okay. I just know secrets blow up relationships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Sorry this happened. This is a bummer, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Can I tell you one last thing? I don't know if this will give you any peace, but hopefully it does. I'm going to talk. I'm going to sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth and my butt at the same time. Don't take this personally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I don't think this was a slight against you. I think it was a do-whatever-you-want daughter. And I bet with the pace of the job, the pace of all the babies, the pace of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Son quit. He went and got another job. With just everything going on, I'm hoping that there wasn't a plotted effort to, no, let's make her life miserable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It was more like, oh, daughter, you do whatever you want. You're our sweet, precious daughter. You can't do anything wrong. Right. And I bet your husband would be like, it's always been that way since she was five years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And so it's one of those like, I'm not going to take it personal. I'm not going to give you all that. I'm taking you out of the box. I'd rather y'all be just fun, silly grandparents and whatever. I want to preserve that. And a part-time job isn't worth it. And me wondering why I'm getting treated differently. I'm just going to step out. I'm going to step out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And husband, next time, you pick me over mom. You pick me. Thanks for the call, Nicole. You're awesome. Appreciate you. And even if you're mad, give your husband a hug. My buddies who are police officers need more hugs. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Delete Me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish this wasn't the case. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Would your wife have called you? If she was at a concert and she was evacuated to a hotel for her safety? No, no, no. For a friend. I know, but would she otherwise have let you know that that's happening?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And because so much of our lives exist on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email address to random companies who then turn around and sell those email addresses to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at the reports my friends at Delete.me have sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
That's when you knew something was up? Homie.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So we can't really avoid living on the internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Pueblo, Colorado.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Man, I got some crazy adventures in Pueblo. And talk to Leigh. What's up, Leigh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Good morning. I'm doing great. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Go for it. I haven't read it, so I haven't seen it. So let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Yeah, okay. All right, so you see her at a hotel, and you quickly come up with kind of a stretch of a story just to protect yourself, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Well, even if he doesn't deserve it, just thank you for being somebody. Like when I decided to make a lot of changes in my life, having a wife that I knew was ride or die with me, I made all the difference.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
All right, so I'm going to give you some hard things and some tools. Is that cool?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Hard thing number one, you can't want this more than he does.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
All you can commit to is I'll tell you the truth and I'll love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I think I've talked about this on the show. This is a horrific, terrible, awful analogy, but it's the only one in my head right this second, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I wish I had a better one. I'm going to commit to finding a better one, but this is the one that just pops into my head.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
My dad was a hostage negotiator for the SWAT team. Okay. At a major metropolitan city. And so what that meant was if somebody had a bomb or if somebody had hostages or if somebody was going to jump off of something, they called my dad. But I had a big old mustache and he would come in. He was usually the plain clothes guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Like the, Hey, how's it going? So there'd be a policeman in a uniform kind of talking the serious. But my dad was the, hey, basically pulling up a seat kind of guy. How we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And he told me something real important one time, and it's still something that I keep in mind when I do my job every day, whether I'm helping people in flesh and blood in real life or I am doing what I'm doing right now, talking to you on the phone. And it's recorded and it's put on the internets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
he said he would always um when he would get off the elevator he'd go all the way up and somebody's about to jump or they're saying i'm gonna jump or he's on a overpass and somebody's gonna jump he would always find a place where he could quietly pray give me the words to say the right thing and then he would go through a quick exercise watch or listen
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And the watch or listen was, and this is harrowing to think through, but this is the reality of hostage negotiators and people that work with hurting people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
This may not end well. I may do everything right and this person jumps. I may do everything right and this person falls.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Am I going to watch or am I going to listen? And it basically, that was a quick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I'm going to do everything that I can, but I can't hold the outcome. This other person does. And so I want you to be in that same position. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself micromanaging and becoming that angry mother that you don't want to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So I'm going to get up every day and say, I love you. Dear God, give me the words to say. We're going to agree on some accountability together. And so that you know your boundaries and your role.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And then you are going to do everything you can so that you are healthy so that he has somebody to anchor into.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Okay. Awesome. Um, have you told him I'm scared of losing you at a young age?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Yes. Men are invincible until they're...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Yes. And here's the thing. They're not deterministic, but they are sure like they're sure like correlative, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And so, yeah, I should be concerned. He's got a roadmap of what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And so he just has a daily choice to wake up and ask himself, don't go down that road because I know how this ends. And by the way, I know how this ends pain-wise for wife, kids, family, extended, whatever. Or I'm going to have to do something radically different, which means I'm going to have to choose minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day to be uncomfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Because I've got absolutely no roadmap for what comes next. My mom didn't do it. My dad didn't do it. My brothers didn't do it. I'm going to be on my own with this amazing woman by my side with a machete, hacking my way through the jungle, creating a new path.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
But I mean, you get what I'm saying. And the reason I tell you that is I want you to be compassionate for him because for you, it's just like, dude, diet and exercise, it's not that hard. And for him, it's like every comfort, every comforting strategy, every numbing strategy, plus you're sitting on this time bomb that is your genetics, like all of this stuff, I'm going to swim upstream.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And so it's not, and again, it's not just getting out of bed like it is for me or like it is for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
This is a wholesale sea change of living for him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So cool, I'm gonna be compassionate. And he has to decide, I'm worth being around.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And for a 45-year-old unhealthy guy to go to the doctor, that tells me he at least is thinking about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Amazing. All right. So I want you to do a couple of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Okay. I want you to take him out to a healthy breakfast. Okay. But I want you to take a piece of paper. And I think this is instructive to have no screens. So he feels you plugged in, like you and a yellow pad. Swing by Walgreens or Walmart and buy a yellow pad and a pen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
But I want you to look at him and say, I want you to give me a roadmap on how I can love you moving forward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And I want you to let him, like, do you want me to tell you? So here's an example in my life. I've given my wife permission to say, hey, are you really hungry? When she sees me grabbing a thing of cookies and ice cream out of the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I'm not offended at my heart. In fact, I feel loved.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Right. Now, if she came in and was like, oh my gosh, let me see your calorie counter. I'm going to eat more out of spite because I'm an immature child. Sometimes when she just gently puts her hand and she'll do it just in passing now. And I was just become part of, she's like, um, are you gonna sleep good? And they're not passive-aggressive. They're things we've talked about, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
They're like, are you really hungry? And I'll go, no. I'll start laughing. And I'll just put it all back. Or occasionally I'll say, no, I'm deciding to make a bad choice. And she'll laugh and be like, cool. But here's the thing. I do that so rarely now that it is funny. It's silly. Like, oh, you're going to choose to be miserable for the next two days? Grown man? All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And she knows it's not a personal attack. It's not a, and I'm not going to, it's not going to become a lifestyle for me and whatever. So that's just the way our house works. Or the other morning she goes, hey, would you do me a quick favor? And I was like, yeah. And she said, will you call? And she named my counselor, my therapist. And I started laughing because it's not a quick thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It's a big thing. And, but that's her saying, I'm watching a series of behaviors. I'm watching some old patterns emerge. And we've talked about it and I love you. And so, but that came from us sitting down and talking about it and me getting to say, hey, here's how you can best love me. And you can say, I'm not content to sit here and watch you die.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
But I want you to speak into how can I love you? Does it help if I ask you about how your day went when it comes to eating right? Does it help? Does it help you when I ask you to go for a walk with me in the morning? Does it help you to, like, ask those serious questions because we're going to leave with a roadmap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Okay. Now, here's a couple other things I'm going to give you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Number one, I'm going to give you, give him... a subscription to the train. Well, it's the app that I use. My wife uses my manager's wife. Use it. Like it's a personal trainer and a, um, and an app in one. It's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It's, uh, amazing. But it has the workouts you can do at home whenever I'm traveling. And I'm like, hey, dude, I'm going to have four kettlebells and a band. It's like, gotcha. I'm just going to have bodyweight exercises. Gotcha. And it's amazing. The accountability, it's frustrating because they're always there, but they check in. It's great. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So I'm going to hook you all up for free with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And I'm going to hook you up for free with the app that I use for eating, for calories. And it's my friend, Dr. Lane Norton's. It's the Carbon app. I think it's the best one out on the market. Oh, thank you so much. You can scan your food and we'll connect you with his team and they'll get you taken care of there. It's the app I use. It's the one on my phone. It's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I just talked to one of my colleagues here the other day that I call him the square root of himself now because he's lost so much weight. And he just said, I just follow the Carbon app. I just do what it said. So those are a couple of what I think are the best tools on the market that I'm just going to give you all for free, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Actually, Lane, Dr. Norton is going to give you his thing for free, but I'll hook you up with the Tradewell app. And here's the bigger thing. At some point, I want you to ask him, would you mind if I went to counseling with you so that I can learn some tools on how I can best love you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I want you to think of food as a way to numb pain. Mm-hmm. And I'm assuming he's unhealthy because of dietary choices. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
That's when you knew something was up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
All right. Think of being sedentary. Think of just kind of feeling frozen in his own feet, right? In his own shoes. When it comes to diet choices, when it comes to just dealing with stress, he's got a roadmap ahead of him that his family has given him for generations. And that roadmap will get you killed. There's a short cliff to it. And he wants to do something differently.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
But when you say, hey, I'm invested in learning how I can love you. And remember, this is you saying, I, I want to love you. Can I come with you so that I can learn some things? It's not you going, you need to let me come to counseling so that you can. It's not that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And he might say no, and you don't take it personally because he's healing, but he might say, yeah, it'd be awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Homie, denial is not just a river in Egypt, dude. It's also... My man. Hey, how did you let her kiss another guy for five minutes right in front of you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And it's showing him investment. What you're showing him is I'm safe. I'm not your mom. I'm your wife. I love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Will you do one more weird thing for me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Get a journal and put it on your bed and y'all write each other notes every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And he moves it to his pillow, you move it to your pillow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And if it's not, if he doesn't feel like it's belittling to him or it makes him feel, you know, less than, sometimes just say like, hey, I saw you reach in and grab the cookies and I saw you Stop. Catch yourself. I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I saw that. I saw you sneak in one extra lap around the track. I saw you sneak in one extra set of dumbbell curls in the garage. I saw you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And I'm so proud of you. It's awesome. Or you're inspiring me to go work out a little harder myself, right? But it's those little notes of encouragement. Or I saw you struggle today. I want you to know I love you. And nothing can ever change that. I saw you working hard. And I'm imagining you giving our daughter away at her wedding. And I just want you to know I'm so grateful for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And I know she's going to be grateful for it too. It's those little things where people feel seen and they feel known and they still feel loved. And sometimes it's hard to say that. It's hard to hear that. But man, you can read it over and over and over again. So I think it'd be awesome to try that out. Thank you for loving well, Lee. You're pretty amazing. He's lucky to have you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
You can tell him, call me anytime. I'm happy to walk alongside him in any way. And to hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with TrainWell and with the Carbon app. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Listen, you've heard me say this a thousand times, you're worth being well. And I believe that therapy can help. So if you've been on the fence, this is your chance to try therapy for a fraction of the cost. 90% off your first week. Let's be honest. We all spend money on things that we hope will make us feel better, like streaming subscriptions, new clothes, gym memberships, organic groceries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Some of y'all are even essential oil people. But when it comes to actually digging in and getting real about our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. Please hear me, your mental and emotional health is just as important as your physical health. And I know actually going to therapy can seem like a huge first step, but it's more accessible than you think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Right now, BetterHelp is offering 90% off your first week of therapy now through March 31st, 2025. This is the biggest discount we've ever offered on this show. 90% off your first week. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get started. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back, Kelly. Am I the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Ayo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. counseling, coaching, whatever you got going on in your life, my promise is I'll sit here and we will figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Man, this one's so layered. I'll start with the, ask me that last question again, like her last question, that last sentence. I want to make sure I address that one first.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So anytime, I tell this to all women and all men, anytime your alarm systems go off when it comes to some sort of sexual impropriety, I always want you to listen to that alarm. And I also want you to not listen to that alarm alone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So if something sets your, like your little GPS pin in your chest sets it off, like the thought of your father-in-law changing your infant daughter's diaper, which in no shape, form, or fashion is out of bounds, is weird, or in any way sexualized, anything other than loving and caretaking. If something in your chest says, whoa, I can't have that happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
That's fair. Hey, can I applaud you for just being honest about that? Yeah. Good on you. I can imagine that is just so surreal. Yeah, pretty much. Your first instinct is different than mine, and mine probably would have ended me up in jail. So good on you for freezing. Right. So what's the last few months been? You said this is September. We're talking in February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Let that alarm be heard and let that be something that you head towards, not away from. And when I say towards, go sit down and talk to somebody close to you. Go talk to a counselor. Go talk to a close friend and say, I feel this super mama bear protection when I think of another man changing my daughter's diaper. Is that bananas? And let your friend say, I didn't feel that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Or I get it and also, right? So when I say avoiding it, Just setting up a perimeter saying no men ever in any shape, form, or fashion. No, I don't know, Sunday school helpers. No, no, any of this. Never, never, never. I do think there's just been too many stories. I have a young daughter. I'm overly vigilant. I just am. And so I'm overprotective. When it comes to this idea of...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
A granddad changing his granddaughter's diaper. No, there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's totally 100% appropriate. I mean, I think it's appropriate. I think there's nothing familial. What's the right word? There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it's a good thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
On the other side of it, something is setting her off, whether it's something that happened to her when she was a kid, whether it's something that just got in her head, that she heard a story, she knows somebody, or her radar on that particular guy or those two particular men is just going off and it's not good. Here's one other line. So there's all of that. I don't know that any of that matters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I'm going to be real careful here how I say this. I don't think it matters when you tell a family member, here's what I'm comfortable with. That family member gets to have their feelings hurt, gets to be frustrated. You're their parent. You're the parent. And so I don't ever want you to feel small or little for your boundaries that you have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And if a family member says, I don't give a crap about your boundaries. I think you're wrong. I think this is ridiculous. I think this is stupid. Then you have a right to pull that back. It's going to come with consequences. It's going to come with a cost. I want you to check those boundaries with friends, with counselors or whoever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
But I guess I would tell her, yeah, it's not weird at all for father-in-law to change a diaper. In fact, most father-in-laws won't. So I think it's pretty amazing. And it's not wrong that you have something in your chest saying this isn't right. And it's also not right for him to belittle you for feeling that. Does that make sense? It's all of it all in one big pot. Okay, so that's a lot there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
What do you think? Tell me if I'm wrong on any of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Or maybe never did and was like, I'm going to do it right this time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Yes. Devastating. And I would say, not anxiety in the clinical sense, but this angst that she feels, I want her to go talk to somebody. Because this will trickle out into other areas of this kid's life, this kid's lived experience, where grandparents feel at arm's length. And dad may be okay now, but it's going to be weirder and weirder and weirder and weirder.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So, yeah, I wanted to go talk to somebody about that. And I think that's worth digging into. But I guess I tell everybody, man. Your feelings are your feelings. And when the dashboard light comes on on your car, you don't just immediately spray paint over it as though it doesn't count. When it comes up, you at least got to check in and see, is this right? My check oil light's on now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Tell me what the last few months have been like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I buy my oil from my friend Michael, who's a... An exec at Schaefer Oil, the best oil on the planet. Free plug there. They don't pay. But it's amazing, and I don't have to get it changed every 3,000 miles because it's amazing stuff. My car, the light comes on, and I go, oh, do I need to check? I check the mileage just to make sure, and then I go, oh, no, no, I'm good, right? And so I go on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I check it, but I move on. Same with your feelings, man. If you get a bad sense, I'm going to listen to it. But, dude, yeah, it's not inappropriate for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
dads and grandparents to be involved in fact i think it's pretty amazing um so there you go cool great grand this is usually when the music comes up and i'm trying to figure out how to end the show i think we just say good job i quit just kidding i don't know you don't you can't sorry what else am i gonna go do Chad GPT took my professor job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I mean, I'm kind of stuck here, so... Let's do this, YouTubes. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
So let's take the hurt off of him. take the hurt off of him. Let's don't give some dude from your elementary school access to your soul. Let's just hold it what it is. Your wife cheated on you. She broke your heart. She blew your family up. Does she still want to be married to you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
She's back on her phone again. Okay, let me be super clear with you, Nathaniel. She does not want to be married to you. She wants you to take care of the kids. She wants you to provide money, but she does not want to be married to you. You have to absorb that. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay, so what's your next move? Pretty much... Here's what it feels like.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It feels like you are an expert in maneuvering, almost like I'm imagining the slow motion scene in The Matrix when the bullets were coming. The bullets are reality and you're Keanu Reeves. You're really adept at kind of diving away from painful realities and conversations because those painful realities and conversations force you to have to act, make a call. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
You can leave a message and we'll call you back and talk to you about having you on the show or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask and you can type in your question in the little info box and it goes into Kelly's cauldron of wizardry and magic. Cauldron, I guess, was kind of witch adjacent, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And you have a pretty comfortable life, and things are fine, things are good, and now your wife blew them up. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I know, but listen. We're not gonna be run around, we're not gonna live our lives afraid of triggers. Triggers are just simply your body getting your attention, saying, hey, you may not be safe now, and so you're gonna head right into those triggers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And sometimes you have to get a therapist to go with you or a couple of close buddies to hold you accountable, but I'm not gonna live my life that my body shuts down if a song comes on the radio. I'm gonna deal with that. I'm not gonna live my life, every time my wife flips over her phone, if I've been very clear, hey, if you wanna be married, We've got to rebuild trust.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And trust looks like you not flipping your phone over every time I walk in. Trust looks like I want to see your text messages. Trust looks like I want to link our phones together so your text messages go to the iPad that I can see them. True. And if she says no, then she's telling you I don't want to be married to you anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I'm not interested in rebuilding trust in a way that makes you feel safe. Because I blew up our marriage. I lacked integrity. True. Right. But you can only control you. And so you have to be very specific about what you need. And I think you are like, well, you know, you got to be specific. And I think if you're not specific, then there's not a chance that she doesn't meet those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And I think it allows you this kind of pseudo reality where it's all kind of back to normal and it's kind of fine and she's flipping her phone over, but it's cool, like whatever and blah, blah, blah. It's not, man. I can hear it on you. Yeah, it's not. It's not. So call it what it is. True. Do you still want to be married to her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
You should have a, all of you should have a trust issue. And by the way, you can have a trust issue and still want to be married to her. The question that's instructive here is, does she want to be married to you? Have you asked her that? I haven't got a chance to ask her that. No, bull crap on a stick with a pony and a frog, like waving a flag. You do, you've chosen not to. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
What do you mean you don't have time? You create time for something this important. You stop the presses. You leave work. You get childcare. You figure it out. This is too important. I'm going to give you the playbook for the next move, okay? You don't have to do this. You're a grown man. You can do whatever you want to. If I'm in your seat, here's what I'd do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I let her know you and I are talking just for the listener. We're talking on a Tuesday. I would let her know tomorrow night, Wednesday night at five o'clock or six o'clock. I've gotten childcare for the kids. We're going out to dinner to a private place. And we're going to have some hard conversations. There's going to be no screaming, no yelling, no fighting, no getting up and running away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
We're going to sit down and have some hard conversations. You pick the restaurant where you can go into the back and talk quietly or get a table on the side or whatever. And then when y'all sit down, you say, hey, we're getting back into the old behaviors. I was not clear last time and I'm sorry. Number one, do you still want to be married to me? Neither of us wanted to get divorced.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I'm sure you didn't want to cheat on me when we got married, but here we are. Do you still want to be married? If you do, here's what must be true. And then you have to have the courage to write down what must be true and communicate that very clearly, clear as kind, very clearly, and give her a chance to scratch and claw her way back to your heart. Otherwise, you're being cruel.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
She doesn't know up from down, and you're kind of just wishy-washy in the whole thing from like, I don't know. It's time to be clear. And here's the bigger thing. Your kids are absorbing this, brother, in your house. They're absorbing their dad being like, well, I just don't have time. We haven't had time to sit down. And you have to make time. It's too important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
It's the most important thing in your world right now is your marriage. They're watching your wife flip over the phone every time they're learning, like that little sneaky, oh, eyes on a swivel. Everybody's looking around always and, oh, make sure this and deleting this. And they're seeing that. They're absorbing that. Stop. Stop the madness. Decide I'm not letting this go generational.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And that also means that she might look at you and say, yeah, I'm done. I'm out. And then, brother, call me back because I'll sit with you, man. Or you might look at her and say, I'm not going to be able to get the trust back, man. You cheated on me with a friend. You lied to me. You pawned our kids off with an uncle. You didn't even let me know. I thought you were hiding from fires.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Yes. I was like, oh, sweet. You made like a figurine of me. And she turned it around and had needles in its neck. Anyway, if you want to be on that show, give us a call or reach out. Oh, geez. We are crushing this thing. I always wonder, like, what was it like to be on the Titanic? And I feel like every time I sit in here, I feel like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I thought your life was in jeopardy and you're off sleeping with an old friend of mine. I just can't. I can't come back. And you get to choose that. Or you can choose just to keep going on about your day, pretend everything's fine until it's not again. I just want to tell you, this will catch up eventually, man. Choose your heart. Kind of live halfway underwater, slowly gasping for air.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
Or decide I'm going to stand up on my own two feet and breathe. And here's what must be true moving forward. It's your move, my man. She did you wrong and broke your heart. She blew up your house. Now you've got a broom and you've got to start the cleanup process. Hopefully she joins you. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I want to tell you about Cozy Earth, the makers of incredible sheets, bedding, and bath linens. It's almost time. The sun will come out tomorrow so soon. Spring is almost here, and Cozy Earth has a spring into comfort sale going on right now. It's a great time to buy their bamboo sheet sets and their bath sheets.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I love, love their sheets, and their towels are giant and soft, and they don't get all thin and crusty after going through the laundry. They are the best. Their sheet sets are soft and breathable, and they keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. And like I said, you'll feel the quality of their bath sheets right away. They're so huge, don't even call them towels.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
They call them bath sheets, and they're actually more like bath comforters. It doesn't matter what they're called, they're just amazing. I also got a huge Cozy Earth weighted blanket that my whole family piles under. It is bye-bye for my anxiety. Cozy Earth is my go-to and your go-to for building a sanctuary in your home so you can feel safe, relaxed, and ready to take on whatever comes next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And remember, Cozy Earth spring into comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off everything. That's 40% off. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney for 40% off. Go. All right, here's the deal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the lame cat videos and endless streams of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help you recover from aches and pains.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
I used it on my foot this morning. Transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Wife Cheating With My Friend
And check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15% site-wide. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. All right, let's go out to Columbus, Ohio and talk to Nicole.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
They just come home and they have to blame mom and dad. Y'all didn't prepare me for X, Y, and Z.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But look at it as what it was. It was a 16-year-old saying, I was scared, and they came to you. Y'all should high-five each other.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Yes. What you don't want is your kid to go to another house, and they find peace there, and they don't want to come home. Because that friend of hers that she went to visit, she's going to come to y'all's house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
You're not going to laugh. You're going to be goofy. And hopefully your husband's poking fun at everybody and you're poking fun back. You're not playing questions for humans and you're laughing. And her nervous system will tick down about 15 heartbeats a minute. And she's going to want to be at your house more than her house. And she won't even know why. And she'll probably make fun of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Your parents are so lame. They don't let you do anything. Right? Yep. That's what I don't want. So for whatever it's worth, you're doing a good job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
The world will give them plenty of concussions. They don't need them from you. You know this, and I've got a young daughter, so it breaks my heart to say this. The world will tell my daughter all kinds of awful things about her. Yours too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Right? She doesn't need that from me to toughen her up. What she needs is to know, no matter who says what or how or when, if I have to, if I need to, that guy will come running for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Awesome. How are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
All right. And then she can go do crazy, amazing things. So good job on you guys. I hope so.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
You're amazing. Appreciate you. Thanks for the call. And yeah, I'm going to leave it at that. You're my hero today, Joey. You and your husband. I don't want to wait. I love Dawson's Creek. We'll be right back. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why you'll love them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
We don't know what that is down here in Nashville. Actually, we have a little bit of snow down here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
You can also check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Let's talk about TrainWell, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. Listen, I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise. So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready to shake things up, you got to check out TrainWell.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Exactly. And can I just give you a quick shout-out? Joey was the name of my childhood crush on Dawson's Creek, and I named my daughter Josephine with the intention of her being named Joey, but it hasn't worked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I use it, my wife, my coworkers and their spouses, everybody's using TrainWell every single day and the results have been off the charts. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer, it's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And again, the results have been extraordinary. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today. And they've extended their special offer for my audience, just $69 a month. When you lock in your plan this February, that's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Go to trainwell.net slash deloney right now. That's trainwell.net slash deloney. Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas, some of the greatest food on planet Earth, and talk to Jack. What's up, Jack? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? Doing good, brother. What's up with you, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Keep going. I won't interrupt you, but keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Um, so hold on, man, what, what are you, What are you not seeing here, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
It was the best. Okay, so what's up, Joey? How can I help?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
What are you doing, man? You know, you know, I think it's, you know, you know, like, like you're worth more than this. Yeah. It's right. Yeah. It's, it's, You were dating a woman who doesn't hang out with her ex-boyfriend four nights a week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Okay, but here's the deal. It doesn't matter. Here's why. You get to decide, especially in the beginning of a dating relationship, you are just a few months in, you get to decide what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. It doesn't matter if it's a thousand percent plutonic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
What you have said is, hey, I have a value and that is it makes me uncomfortable when you're with a person that used to be all hot and heavy with for a long time. And you'll hang out three or four nights a week. You're always talking. It makes me uncomfortable as your new boyfriend. And she has said, well, I don't really care what you feel or what you think. He gets me and he knows me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And we really understand each other. And he was there for me during a hard time. And you get to go, cool. She's allowed to do that. But what you're doing right now is you're taking your discomfort and you're just swallowing. You're just shoving it down. And it will return with a vengeance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Yeah, don't, dude. They're going to erupt. They will come out at real inopportune times. And what often happens is you'll end up snapping. You'll end up yelling or screaming or doing something goofy, calling her 500 times one night or something, and you're going to look like the crazy one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I don't know many that could, especially at the beginning of a relationship like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
yeah that makes sense like i don't have i i am on um that's even faded out in the last few years but for years i was still on speaking terms still like on i've got good relationships with most of people i used to date but it's when they become your go-to person they become your your your main connection you're never going to be able to develop anything with her
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Yeah. So here's the deal. It's heartbreaking. You like her, right? Sounds like you like her. Yeah, yeah. It's cool, fun to hang out with. That's awesome. No relationship is worth absolving your values for. Some relationships are worth questioning your values. Like, do I really believe what I think? And I've changed before because I was really like, I'm going to believe this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And then I met somebody and they challenged those values. And I was like, I was immature. I was wrong. That's all great and good. But having a value of, no, if I'm going to be your person, I want us to learn to lean on each other. I want us to learn to grow together. I don't want you to just tell me, oh, you just have to accept the fact. I've already got this other former romantic person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
They're already my foundation and my anchor. You and I will just play. I'm not having that. I don't know many people that would have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Of course she wouldn't. Why would she? She already has somebody. She doesn't have to do the hard work of reconnecting with somebody emotionally. That's a hard thing to do, which means she's never fully disconnected from this guy, which means they're not broken up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I don't think this has to be a blow-up. I don't think this has to be an explosion. She gets to do what she wants to do, brother, and so do you. But I do think there's a gentle and a, but yet confident, right? A gentle yet confident. Hey, I'm gonna go ahead and call this. I really loved being your boyfriend. It's been fun.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Um, I just have different expectations for him dating and I wish you the absolute best. And we still work together. We're gonna be friends. Yeah. Yeah. Here's the other thing. You're a grown man. You don't have to do what I say, and I don't want to be in the habit of breaking up couples, right? And so if you're like, you know what? I got a good arrangement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
She holds my hands on the weekend, and she just does all the emotional and psychological and spiritual stuff with him. That's a weird way to build a life, bro, but you knock your lights out. But, I mean, you know it in this call. Let me just say this. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. Your gut feeling is right. Go with your gut. I'll leave it there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And to be a good brother to me, dude, go get some Chips and Queso there in San Antonio, Texas. It's one of the best Chips and Queso on planet Earth. Do that for me today. Thank you so much. We'll be right back. Okay, good folks, Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And it's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
You're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you were sitting right here. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Talking to you about your marriage, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, your schools. I don't know what's going on in your world. I know mine is B-A-N-A-S.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and want to experience Lent in a whole new way, or you think all of this sounds crazy and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 Challenge. The Lent Pray 40 Challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Plus, right now, you can get three months of Halo, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney. And that means your trial will last all through Lent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
When you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign up at halo.com slash deloney to get notified when the Lent Pray 40 Challenge begins. That's Hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, we're back. So we had a call coming in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Somebody wrote in to the show and we had to set up and we had a scheduling challenge. But the call is so important that I want to read the letter, the note that came in and answer it here live because I think this is applicable to all of us. Here's the question. It's from Sydney in San Diego, California. My 16-year-old sister has been having sex with her current boyfriend.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I'm concerned as the oldest sister as our parents allow her to go over to his house under the guise that their relationship is innocent. She had a previous boyfriend when she was 14 in which I had to get her Plan B as they had unprotected sex and her boyfriend couldn't get it for her. He was too young.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I feel caught in the middle as she's my baby sister and we've always been relatively close through issues at home. We've always been the only safe space for one another, but her sexual decisions regarding her boyfriends concern me as she has no job, no car, and she's too young to be responsible for the consequences of having sex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I debate telling my parents, but I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship. How should I handle this to keep her safe and respect our relationship? I'm 19 years old and when she needs help, she's open. Yeah, she's 19 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
When it comes to sexual relationships with minors, when it comes to kids, teenagers drinking, trying drugs out, smoking weed, when it comes to adult friendships or relationships, maybe you know your friend is having an affair. Maybe you know your friend is struggling with disordered eating or some sort of addiction on their own or any number of things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
It can often feel like the most important thing in that relationship is the phrase, I won't tell anyone. This trust. And I happen to have done this for long enough, for 20 plus years, where people got really, really hurt because everyone around them said, I won't tell anybody. And it might have been because they were considering hurting themselves. And they said, you swear you won't tell?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Like, yeah, I promise I won't tell. Well, I've been having suicidal thoughts and nobody says anything. Or don't tell anybody, but I've been sleeping with so-and-so. And they're 14. They're a child. They're 16. They're a child. And we feel trapped between, it's not my responsibility to say anything, especially when they're adults, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
They promised they wouldn't tell that they're cheating on our mutual friend. And so when we have dinner together as a couple, it's kind of awkward because I know she's sleeping with somebody else, but her husband's here too. I just come to believe that this question here, I know this would be a huge breach of trust in our relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
When you're 19 and your 16-year-old sister is putting herself at such catastrophic risk by having unprotected sex as a 14-year-old, as a 16-year-old, the breach in the relationship is not reaching out as an adult, as a 19-year-old to protect that 16-year-old from themselves. I'll never blame a 16-year-old for being curious about sex and intimacy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I'll never blame a 16-year-old about being curious about alcohol. They're 16. They're hormonal and they're curious those two things together. That's like gasoline meet match It's the adults in their lives that are it's our job to create boundaries and safe context and To have connected relationships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
It's not our job to keep secrets Under the guise of if I tell on them, they're not going to tell me anything you're maybe maybe But every one of my friends knows i'll lose that all day long if it keeps you safe I'll lose that all day long if it keeps my integrity. So there's been relationships I've had in my life where I've said, hey, you got 48 hours and I'm going to make this phone call for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I've had friends say, when I've told friends, hey, before today is over, you and me are going, or you're going to a psychiatric hospital. I drive you. I'll take you. Or I'm going to call 911. They're going to come pick you up. But you're going to go. How do you want this to go? I'll call your dad. I'll call your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I've told a police officer and another sergeant who wanted to wait 12 hours before they communicated to a dad that his son had passed away. I said, you tell your supervisor to call me. I'm calling him right now. So he's not going to wait 12 more hours to find out that his child has passed away. And I called the dad and I told him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And so I guess what I want you to hear me say as we started this new year, number one, secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill you. Secrets will kill your relationships. Secrets will kill your friends. Let 2025 be the year that you don't hold secrets anymore. Be free. Be free. Be free in your house. Be free in your own heart. Be free in your own chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Be free with your friendships and connectivity. Number two, often the most trusting, loving thing you can do in a brother-sister relationship, in a mother-father relationship, in a sibling relationship, in a best friend relationship, is to call out things where you see your friends getting hurt. When you see them doing destructive things, especially in kids. You have no option with kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
You have to ring the alarm with kids. And I understand, hey, if you have a friend who's cheating on her husband, fine, I'm not going to call her husband, but I'm not going to hang out with you anymore. I'm going to step away. I'm a step away because what you're asking me to do is to not be honest with my partner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
You're asking me not to be honest with my friend, your husband, and that is a breach of friendship, right? That's actually a breach of trust. And so broadly speaking, I have a reputation with my friends and with people who call in and I work with people all over the country behind closed doors as being a vault. My wife doesn't know who I talk to. I just keep it quiet. It's just silence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But everyone that I talk to also knows, now if there's a reason to make a phone call, Dylan's going to make a phone call. And it's not because I'm better. It's because I've been on the other side when I didn't. And I can't get those back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
So to Sydney in San Diego, California, as a 19-year-old, a big sister of a 16-year-old, God bless you for being in her life and for being a safe place for her to call. This is when you go get involved directly. Yes, you need to include your parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
So the, you're so awesome. You're so awesome. I'd high five you if you're sitting right here. So here's, here's meta number one. Okay. Your 16 year old doesn't get a vote.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Unless your parents are absent, they're abusive, they're struggling with their own addictions, and then you need to get a minister involved, a pastor involved, a school counselor involved. You need to get some people involved because your 16-year-old sister is a child. She's a kid. Doesn't need to be having unprotected sex at 16 years old. after having empathetic sex with a 14-year-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
It's a kid that's really struggling and reaching out and trying to grab hold of something that resembles connection. And she needs you to bring other adults, probably trained adults, into the situation ASAP. If you're an adult, if you're a grown-up like me, if you're really old, like kind of the geriatric population like Kelly or others, the responsibility is the same.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
If you have kids in your life, you have a mandate. You will get involved. If it's abuse, if it's sexual relationships, if it's alcohol consumption, if it's drugs, all that, you will get involved. They're kids. If it's your friends, let this be the year we're not keeping secrets anymore. Breach of trust is often silence. A breach of trust is often silence. Not gossip. It's silence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships, like red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me? And in a relationship, how will I show up and honor myself and love my partner? Let's forget all of those flags and instead ask the question, how can I learn to know what I even value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Therapy can help you figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra money. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Kelly, all right, something cool happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
The fact that your child can get through high school without their parents ever screaming and cursing at them is a huge win.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Did you add Kelly and the team?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
The hardest, easiest thing you can ever do. Last night, we had dinner with a couple friend, and my wife was like, hey, we're playing matchmaker this year for John. He's getting friends. And so, yeah, I know, not that kind of matchmaker.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I'm calling into my own show next week. But, like, you're going to get friends. And so she's like, I have a couple of guys I think John would hang out with. What do you all think? And they were matching. I was in front of them. And I was like, what are we doing here, guys? Like, I'm a grown man. And my wife was like, yeah, you're not doing a great job. So, yeah, good for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Listen, 2025, pick up the phone. Make the call. Shoot the text message. And if they can't come, that stinks. But let's go find somebody else that can't. I promise you, I promise you, this woman, if they keep meeting like that, all three moms, all seven kids, everybody's going to benefit from that. Their extended families, everybody's going to benefit from that sense of community and connection.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Here's what she's communicating to you. She found herself in an external situation that scared her and she did not... Think of it like this. It's like, let's say she was a 16-year-old boy on a football field and just turned the corner wrong and some linebacker knocked his head off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
So great. So awesome. And two kids, 18 months and not younger. Ah, yikes. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
He came home and said, hey, you guys never hit me that hard. I was totally unprepared to get hit that hard. Right? That would make no sense. And so psychologically, it's very similar. What you've given your kids is when the world hits them in the mouth, which it will, they have two things that very few of their peers will have.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Number one, a sturdy, to quote Dr. Becky Kennedy, a sturdy set of parents that they can be anchored into so that when the world shoves them off a cliff, they don't fall to their death. They may bang up against the side of the cliff, but they're still anchored in. The second thing they have that is becoming an increasing luxury in this world, one of the highest privileges known to man,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And that is an escape hatch. I can always go home. I'm welcome there. And here's the thing. It's really cool to look at like the, I'm making these names up. I don't know about their childhood, but the Elon Musk's and the Bill Gates and like Steve Jobs, like they had tough times growing up and they made it. That's true. That's fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But what that doesn't take into account is the millions and millions and millions and millions and millions of people who grew up with really tough times that are in nightmarish situations with addiction or struggling with where to find homes or joblessness.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
That's right. And so where you have to be careful is not to try to take home everywhere. Just like the school. So you're going to hear mean things and you're not like, it's good that she sees that's how other people interact because then she's going to get to decide, I'm not going to marry somebody like that. That curses at me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Well, and I think those conversations when your kid reaches 14, 15, and 16, that's important. That's not a bad thing. I took a 12-hour road trip one way, 12-hour road trip back with just my son over the holidays. It was amazing. But he's in high school now. I told him some stories about me. He didn't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Kelly, how is your world these days?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And it was this – it was – that trip started with us kind of at odds after a long semester of him just starting high school. My wife says it's like an old bull and like a young – She goes, man, this first semester was so annoying. You two just like bumping into each other all the time. But it started with like, my dad's kind of stupid. It ended, man, like pretty rad. Same team, same team.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Because it's like, hey, you're old enough to hear some of these stories. Here's why I do this because of this. Like, oh my goodness, I didn't know. I'm like, yeah, there's a lot you don't know, right? But every 14, 15, 16 year old, they think they know everything. And that's cool. Where I do think there could be some powerful moments is in two shape-shifting things. Number one,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
We're going to show you behind the curtain some. You're 16 now. Every week or every month, you're going to do the budget with us. You're going to see how much we make. And you're going to get to see how we allocate it and how expensive things are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And so we're not just going to throw you to the wolves so that you have to scratch and claw and figure it out for yourself because we know 18-year-olds do a terrible job of figuring things out on their own. Sometimes they do, but most of the time they don't. What we are going to show you is it sucks out there. And here's how we do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And we're going to let you figure out how to get your oil changed. And we're going to let you figure out this. And we're not going to drive you anymore. You got to go get your license. If she's one of those kids that doesn't like their license and you're going to start paying for stuff. So it's, we're going to increase the weight on the bar. She's 16, 17, 18. That's important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But it's important when you're in the weight room in high school that they don't let you work out in there without coaches in there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I always ask you how things are going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Well, no, this is part two. This is where you have an outsized responsibility. I want you, if at all possible, every week, every other week, I want you to begin to take the 16-year-old daughter of yours to breakfast. Before school, if at all possible. Tell your husband, you got morning duty here, if at all possible. It may not be possible. It may be y'all got to go to dinner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But here's what we're doing. We're setting up a context for when the conversation comes. Can I be super crass? Is that okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I want her the first time some guy tries to undo her bra to come to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I want her to have that conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Awesome. Awesome. But I don't want her with your husband. I want her with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Because there's going to come a moment when you can say, hey, this happened to me that one time. And her eyes will get real big and go, what? Or me and your dad struggled like this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Yes. Yes. And if you wait for a big announcement, a big moment, a big thing, then it becomes a spectacle that kids can distance themselves from. If it comes from every Tuesday we go to breakfast, every Tuesday we go to breakfast, mom, every Tuesday we go to breakfast, hey, mom, this boy tried to kiss me yesterday and I didn't like it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Now you've built this relational equity that these little questions sneak out and they test you and they test you and they're not doing it intentionally, but they're like, is she safe? Is she safe? Is she safe? I know we're safe at the dinner table. I know we're safe with dad, but there's other layers to this. Is this okay? And then you can say, no, no, no, no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Is your life going like Kelly's is? This show is for you. It was so bad and chaotic, you can't even talk about it. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. Shows for real people going through real challenges. Like Kelly. Like Kelly. I won't talk about your personal challenges on this show, but God help me. You're my personal challenge. That is true. That is very true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
One time in high school, a guy tried to do this and here's what happened. Or at one time in college, this happened. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Yes, but they're not tools. They're relational connectivity. And I think that's where parents struggle. Kids, they need information and they need models and they need systems, but they need relationships way, way more. So I can tell my son, hey, don't do X, don't do Y.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
It is infinitely more powerful when I say, hey, dude, one time I did this and here's what happened and it cost me 10 years of my life. Don't do this. Or when I say, no, here's why. Or here's my rules and expectations and you're going to break my rules and expectations and you can always come home. But I think most parents wait until something bad has happened and
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Or to some value is challenged or until a kid leaves the house or they wait until there's some big grand like announcement. And one of my things I teach parents is as often as possible, take all the steam out of those things. That was the question for human things. Make conversations and interactions and connection a part of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
We've over-sophisticated ourselves. I think we got a bunch of academics, myself included, in a room, and we came up with all these theories and models, but the 16-year-old's life just keeps going. Their life just keeps going and keeps going and keeps going, and we'll come up with a teaching strategy and a plan. They don't want to know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
They want their eyes to get huge and be like, some guy tried to kiss you, Mom, and you didn't like that? Like, yeah, it was a bad deal. Here's what happened. Or even age appropriate. Yeah, some really scary things happened to me when I was in college. And I'll tell you more about it when you're older, but I need you to trust me on this one. You're not going to go out with that boy again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Or, I know that boy looks funny. It shocks my daughter that her mom... dated a guy and married a guy that had five earrings and real long hair, except for the seasons when I shaved my head. She was like, what? My mom? And so it's good for her to know those things. And it's good for her to know that I was not a great human being at one time. It's good for them to see how we work things out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But man, this idea that you have to hit your kids to toughen them up because the world's going to hit them, that just causes CTE. That's dumb.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Yeah. It doesn't make sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Like how do we, would we show, you know, what you do is you show, cause what, what is an argument? An argument is, um, it's any number of things. It can be old emotional things, but basically it's a, it's a strategy to solve a problem. And that problem might be I want to be heard. The problem might be I'm mad. I just want you to be mad too. That problem might be I don't want to eat here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
I want to eat here. Who knows what the argument's about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But it's a strategy to solve a problem. And in your house, you all solve problems every week by doing a budget together. In y'all's house, you put sex on the calendar. 16 may be too young, but maybe not to be like, see that asterisk on the calendar? That's for us. And she'll go, oh, my gosh. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
But that's not a bad thing. And it might be it wasn't always like that. Or this is date night, and this is when things get grody-comody, so y'all are going to want to go to bed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And she'll go to bed and she will be, and also her soul will be at peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Right? And so it's bringing them behind the curtain to see the planning of those things because that's how this family, that's how we are modeling how we solve problems. You don't have to go to war. Every time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
If you want to be on the show or you go to johndeloney.com slash ask, I would love to have you. We get calls from all over planet Earth and we'd love for you to reach out and leave a message or fill out the form and we'll see if we can get back to you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to Dayton, Ohio and talk to Joey. What's up, Joey?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And so I think here's what I would love for you to do. Take your daughter out for breakfast and be like, hey, tell me about what scared you in that house. Like what scared you? And then she can tell you some things and maybe a story will pop into your head about you and your husband when y'all first got married or when y'all were dating.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
Or when he cheated on you with an old girlfriend when you were first dating and you've never told anybody that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
No, no, no, no. But there's always things, right? But I think when a kid, what your 16-year-old is telling you is, Mommy, I was really scared.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Feel Like We Should Fight More in Front of Our Kids
And I think you and your husband need to high-five each other because she got really scared and they came to you. And it came in the form of a complaint. It came in the form of a 16-year-old often doesn't have the verbal acumen to say, I went to a house that they were fighting. I'm so grateful that you two have chosen to handle your situations. And they don't know how to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Well, there's a difference between you disappearing and her pushing you away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You bailing on her is one thing, and you committed to not do that. Her constantly calling you and barraging you with tons of text, or I need you to do this, or I can't borrow some money, or oh my gosh, can you... I don't want to be a part of that. Right. And I'll also say this. Sometimes these type of... You only have a few opportunities to have a 30-year friendship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You only have a few opportunities like that. And so here's kind of my thinking on it. I have a few 30-year friendships. I have a few 40-year friendships. I believe those conversations are worth direct, in-line, human-to-human conversation. I'm just making this up, but when you cross the quarter century mark, I'm done having to filter myself around you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Okay. So some of the greatest, some of the greatest moments of my life, especially when I was a young, young guy trying to figure out how to be a young adult was when friends would tell me, dude, you are the worst. And those men are still my friends to this day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
So you have a volatile friend who maybe needs to hear, hey, all these people that quote unquote leave you, you ever thought it might be you? Because here's the deal. You're looking at not having the friendship anyway. You might want to consider not having the friendship, having loved with all you had, which was to tell the truth that nobody else would tell this friend, versus running away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
it does one thing she comes back at me with is well it's my life and i can do what i want but you don't honor that you don't honor yourself the way she honors herself because your response should be i know but this is my life and i get to do what i want to do and i am 40 now i don't just don't want to do uh i don't want to do dating drama anymore right i don't have different conversations
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
She never has. Ever. For 30 years, she hasn't. And I think it's not fair for you to suggest that you haven't got something out of this for 30 years. You've been the hero for 30 years. You've been the wise, steady one. You've been the safety net. And now, you need someone who's wise. It's hard having kids. It's hard being married to the same knucklehead. Like, you need somebody to be wise.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You need someone to lean on every once in a while. And you're realizing, oh, I don't have that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
So... It does no good to think about, to spend time meditating on how much you've helped over 30 years. That's a choice to be miserable in your present day. Right. The best way to spend energy is to go find people who you can lean on. Right? And that is miserable. And there's no roadmap for that. Making friends in your 30s and 40s is the absolute worst. It's the worst.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And you don't have any other options because you need oxygen, and that's what friends and community are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
That's like the great Beyonce song. If you like her, then you should have put her on your bank account. Gosh, what a gesture. What a gesture.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Yeah, I think I've talked about it on the show. I have one ride-or-die friend who was my longest friend. And I got a call several years ago. It was just like, hey, I'm moving on with my life and I wish you the best. And this is the last time you'll hear from me. And it was somebody that I love deeply. Been through a lot of wild adventures with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And I don't ever talk about them because I want to honor them. But they had the courage and integrity to reach out. And then I immediately fired an email back and it bounced back to me. That was it. Ouch. Yeah. And, God, I wish them well. Hope their life is full and great and grand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And also, I gotta have other men in my life, other women in my life that I trust, that I can lean on when things get wild. I've never raised two kids before. I need some wisdom. I've never been married to the same person for 20 years after almost blowing it up a few times. I'm over my head as all of us are trying to figure out life. And so I need people in my life. So sad. Broke my heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And I'm going to go do the next right thing. Right. Because, I mean, again, what else am I going to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
That's right. And so you have an obligation to yourself, to your husband, to your kids, to your family, to your friends, to if somebody doesn't want to swim to shore, I'm not going to voluntarily drown with you. I will pull and fight and scratch and claw with you to get you back to shore. If that is not where you want to go, then I can't be your person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And by the way, when you're swimming out in the ocean and you're lost and you need help getting back to shore, if they're like, yeah, I don't do that. I don't help. I got a date. Life's too short, man. Life's too short. And a 30-year friendship is not something just to throw away. And I think they're worth fighting. And I realize I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
If you think a hard conversation, a direct, loving, confrontational conversation is worth it, have it. Sit down and have it. If, like it sounds like,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Y'all have just y'all have taken two paths and you're both trying to keep pumping air into something that has been deflated for a long time Just let it be Because my guess is you probably were really great friends really really great friends for about 10 years really great friends for maybe 15 years and then You went to college and she didn't or y'all both went to college But you were in the sorority or you had this major and then you started dating somebody seriously and then you got married and then you had kids and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
you look back you probably have been going your own way for a long long time both of you didn't want to do what it would take to make new friends so you try to keep propping them up remember the old days remember that oh yeah oh yeah it's margarita night whatever it's just been a maybe you've been living as much fantasy as she has but my guess is this friendship's been over for a long long time maybe it's time you don't have to make a big announcement about it just time to exhale and be really sad
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Then I'm going to do the next right thing. I hate it for you, Amy. I hate it for you. And also, I'm excited to see who you can become and who you can begin to rely on when things get hard without somebody always trying to bring you down. We'll be right back. All right, let's go down the street to Nashville and talk to Harvey. What's up, Harvey?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
All right. Tell me what you're wrestling with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Bro, that's like scratching a lottery ticket at 21 years old. The last six years here have been B-A-N-A-N-A-S, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You keep cornering yourself with an either or. Yeah. Like if you can learn at 27 to fight like hell to avoid either ors at all costs. Okay. Because either ors force you to fight something or to run from something. Yeah. And those are trauma responses. They're never good platforms to make sound decisions from.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
So if you don't owe anybody any money, let's say you don't owe anybody any money, then it's not a matter of either I have to stay at this job and be unethical or I have to quit and be homeless. Because I've given myself a third option. I worked really hard to give a third option and be like, I'm just going to walk out. I'm not doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And so I always want to create a world where I don't have to find myself in an either or. That's why politics is so... It messes people up psychologically because it is a this or a that. And this particular election that we're having now has been dubbed... When this comes out, it will hopefully be over, but it's a either we die or we die. That's the two options, basically.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I always want to avoid that. So... At 27, you have a new wife. Do you have any kids? Nope, no kids. Okay, you're making a great living in the construction world. Are you on call 24-7? Tell me about your job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
No, no, no. When you were a kid, did you screw something up bad?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Was it your responsibility to make sure mom didn't get mad growing up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Is he a different dad with your youngest than he was with you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
All dads are, right? Yeah. Here's the thing. You're 27. You're, I'll tell you this story. So, um, there's a, when I worked at the universities, it's universities are technically nonprofits. We all laugh at that because we know that they are very much in the profit making business, but they're all nonprofits. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
There's a website you can go to where you can find out all the 990 tax returns of all nonprofits in the United States. And so I could find out all 990s list the top 5 to 20 highest paid people at the particular nonprofits. You can find out what your preacher makes. You can find out what people leave these things. So I got on there one time when I was working really hard, 24-7, 365.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I just want to see what people made. And I found out what my boss made. Dude, I got so mad because I think it was double or maybe triple what I was making. And I was working 365 days a year, 24 seven. Yeah. And then out of the blue, he calls me and he's like, hey, I see something special in you. I want you to start coming to meetings with me because you need to learn how these meetings work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You need to learn how to speak CFO, how to speak president, how to start speak board of trustee member. I want you to see this stuff in live, but you're going to sit in the back of the room. You're not going to say anything. And it was about three to four weeks in of doing this. I just started going to meetings with him and I'd be quiet and not say anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And I remember thinking on the way home one day, Oh God, he earns this money because I was doing, I was busy 24 seven doing tasks. He was under the squat rack. The whole thing rested on his shoulders. Yeah. And he got paid for that weight. Yeah. Right. And so what you're figuring out at 27 years old is these guys like you're going to be a leader someday. And you're like, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And you're going to make this kind of money. And you're like, yeah. And now you're learning. Oh, God. These people get paid for the weight they carry. Oh, yeah. Right. And you're figuring out in real time why men die sooner than women do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Okay, that's where I'm calling bull crap, though. From this point forward, it will be a choice you make. Yeah. You don't have to live this life. Yeah. On multiple fronts, here's front number one. You can just quit. You've made a whole bunch of money as a 27-year-old. You can go, quote-unquote, follow your passion, which I think is a terrible idea. But you can go do a thing that you want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Okay? Yeah. Go knock your lights out. The second thing is you can do nothing. You can keep doing this. And it will... You'll... increasingly seek novelty from your wife and it'll be tough to come by. Y'all have a kid, try to solve it that way. You'll become one of those little league dads who goes, is on the phone yelling at construction deals while you're watching a little league game.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Like you'll be that guy, fine. And you'll have a humongous jacked up truck because you think that will bring you peace. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Or, or you can become the, what I'm considering like the greatest flex on earth right now. And that is a leader. Let me put it this way. That same man who told me about the, hey, I want you to start coming to these meetings with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You know what he did one time? It was amazing. We were having a, he had just started at this university and we were having a big debate. There was five of us in a room and we were fighting and fighting and fighting. I think this, I think you're wrong. I think the president's going to say this. Going around and around and around. It got to be five o'clock, 5-0-0.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I had never left work before six or 6-30 ever in my career. And he's still talking. He's engaged in the fight, but he gets up. And he goes over to his desk, and he grabs his laptop and puts it in his bag, and he's still hot. Like, we're all kind of hot. It's kind of a testy meeting. And the other four of us are sitting in the chairs in his office.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And he puts on his coat, and he grabs his bag, and he grabs a hat. He always had a hat. And he started walking out. And the room got kind of quiet. Like, where are you going? And he smiled, and he caught it. He's like, oh. And he had just started working at the university. And he's like, y'all don't know me that well. I'm sorry. He goes, I love you guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And then he pointed out the door and he goes, but I love them way more. Y'all knock the lights out when you come and we'll finish this tomorrow. And he walked out the door. And here's what that gave me. That was not a sense of, oh, I guess he's not invested.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
That gave me as a young professional, a picture of, oh, that's why he's so good at work because he's that intentional about being good at home. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And so you make choices. I am going to turn this off. I am going to go see a counselor because I'm 27. I've never carried this kind of weight before. I'm going to keep a journal. I'm going to have an exercise program.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Yeah, he's not because y'all are broke. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. And if you're like me, you got a lot going on. For 20 years, I've sat with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. And I'd love to sit with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I'm going to meet with a group of men at 6 o'clock over down the street at one of these rad breakfast places here in Nashville. I'm going to do that. I'm going to start it right now. I'm going to start leaning on a group of men. I'm going to be able to say, hey, I'm scared. I'm nervous about interest rates. The stuff's slowing down. You guys have a supply chain issue.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I have to have a group of men I can talk to. Right? Because you don't have a lot of 27-year-olds you can talk to right now, do you? I don't. You're at that weird spot where you have separated from your homeboys, but you aren't 42. Agreed. And you're bloody lonely, aren't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
There have to be guys you can be honest with. Yeah. And it takes a special church group for that. Most guys go to church groups and they're so lame or they are wearing their performance pants or they're just there because their wives want them to go. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You have to have a table where you sit and you go, and if you don't have that, you can go to 500 different groups and you're going to be lonely at a crowded table surrounded by people that like you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You probably haven't blown something up yet. It's true. Yeah. It's only after you blow something up and you realize the world doesn't end. That's probably true. You're still trying not to make a mistake.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And so I want you to rest assured you will make a mistake, a big one. And you'll be embarrassed and you'll get called on the carpet and people will yell at you and you'll cost people a whole bunch of money. And if you put the time in right now, you'll go home and your wife will be a safe place for you to go home to. your kids will still be happy that dad's home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You can't add the additional pressure of all the stuff you're carrying. And you're carrying a lot. Carrying a lot. And by the way, signature, all that, that's just drama. Don't do that to yourself. You know what my signature is worth right now? That's like me walking around being like, you know, I could send a message out to millions right now. I could. Like, I'm not going to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
That just becomes me making drama in my own head. It's over-inflating myself. I don't need any over-inflation. You get what I'm saying? Oh, yeah, yeah. So you're not going to be like, do you know what my signature is worth? Not very much if that's the way I see the world. It's going to go away. Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
But if you try to add the additional, like, I got to be perfect at this thing, man, that's what's going to bury you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Would that company have hired you if they didn't think you were capable of it? No. Okay. So in the moments that you doubt yourself, at least trust them that they would not have put somebody in charge of all of this money and resource and time if they didn't believe in that guy. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. All of us have seasons of doubt. I have them all the time too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
But I want you to really focus on who you are outside of this job. And I tell people all the time, like my personal friends, they know this, this job would have buried me had I got it when I was 30. Because I would have got so caught up in it. And I got to a point where I was actively working every day of my life to not be a part of this thing. And only then did it happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Which allowed me to hold it really, really loosely, which allowed me to say that extra thing and be fully myself. And that allowed me to actually help people. And so what your company hired is you. And if you can show up and tell the truth at work, I don't think this is a good deal, guys. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Or I'll go along with it and I'll sign away this thing, but I think the winds of construction slowdown is coming or whatever things you wrestle with. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. I'll sign it. But I'm relying on you four guys because that's you just being honest and you being you. You being authentic. And I know that word gets beat up all the time, but I'm just going to tell the truth. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And it relieves that pressure. And on the backside, do you and your wife owe anybody anything? Outside of the home and cars now. Okay. Number one, don't be an idiot. Don't take out loans on depreciating assets. You're too smart for that. pay off your cars today. Can you do afford to do that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Okay. Make that number one priority. Pay off your depreciating assets. They're losing money every second they're around and you're still paying the same. Okay. That's number one. Number two, I want you and your wife to sit down and strongly consider, and this is going to go against all the bro wisdom. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
All the TikTok bro wisdom and all the big truck, like, yeah, dude, it's going to go against all that. There is something deep and profound when you go to work every day and you know they cannot take my house. Yeah. And so you can invest money. You can like, dude, I'm going to put some stocks. I heard the apples. You can do all that crap. You can speculate on land. You can do all that stupid stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
It's fine. Yeah. If you want to be able to get under the squat rack that is senior executive leadership and hold, get under that weight of running the company, of being a senior leader, and know if something goes completely belly up, they can't take my house because it's mine. I can go get a job at the supermarket and pay the taxes on it. I'm going to be fine. Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And it gives you, like right now, your brain would be failing you if it let you sleep all night. Yeah. Cause it knows one wrong step and maybe they're going to take our house. Maybe they're getting my, I'm married now. They're going to take my wife's like, right. You see what I'm saying? Like your nervous system knows. Oh yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Yeah. Even your cadence is very tiptoe-y. Are you safe in your own house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Okay. Yeah. So I want to begin to solve for peace. Okay. Not for financial gain enough for maximum profit. I'm going to do the spread. Be the one weirdo dude that solves for peace. Yeah. To solve for peace. And in your industry, you know who I want building my buildings? The construction dude that is not walking around flexing with jeans so tight that it's kind of uncomfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And you're the guy I'm talking about. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He's got real tight jeans and boots and his truck is $133,000. I'm not impressed by that at all when it comes to construction projects. It's not. And so I would tell you, get out of that world. Stay in the world. You make a real difference in my community. I'm grateful you're here. Yeah. But I want you to have peace in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And talk to your wife and say, what if in three years we didn't owe anybody anything? We paid off our house. It was small. We lived over in Creve Hall instead of in Oak Hills or whatever. Like, we just decided to pay off our house. Yeah. And we're going to just drive regular cars. Mm-hmm. And then nobody can take anything. That's just solving for P's. That's non-anxious. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Here's what I want you to do. I'm going to hook you up with something, okay? It's going to sound kind of weird, but I'm going to hook you up. I don't think anything's wrong with you. In fact, I think you are exactly where you need to be. But I also think you've got a bunch of voices. Is that fair? Speaking at you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Yeah. You got your old buddies, your college buddies. They're still like, yeah, bro, dude. And you got all the news and all the bank speculators, and you got all the old dogs in the construction industry. You got everybody yapping at you. And you got your church friends, yada, yada, yada. Okay, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to hook you up, but I want you to use it, okay? All right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I want to hook you up with three months for free with better help. Okay. Okay? And I want you to get online and tell them the exact same thing you told me. I'm 27 years old. I've worked really hard. I'm pretty smart. And nobody outworks me. And now suddenly I found myself at the head of a pretty large construction company in Nashville, Tennessee, where there's gangbusters construction going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And suddenly I can't breathe. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And I want you to commit to it. And I would tell you to go get a counselor, go find somebody you can talk to. I asked Kelly to pull the data. It's about a 48 day wait period right now. All right. That'd be hard. So I'm going to hook you up and you don't have to like sneak into a counselor's office in Nashville. You can do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Does he scream at you? Does he swear at you? Is he just like a parasite in the house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
You can do it from your phone. You can do it from your laptop, wherever you happen to be. And you got hotspots. All you guys have hotspots in your trucks. You can do it from your truck. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Is that fair? Yep. All right, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with the BetterHelp guys, and I want you to actually use it, okay? And I'm here in Nashville. Come by and see me anytime, dude. I'd love to hang out with you and grab a cup of coffee here in the lobby. That'd be awesome. For everybody listening, Harvey's not crazy. In fact, he's exactly where he should be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Here's what's happening. He thought this was going to feel different. When I get to be a leader, when I get to be making this much money, when I get to, when I get to, when I get to, and suddenly you realize this is heavy. It's hard. It's scary. Leadership is hard. They talk about it in school. It's like, become a leader. Dude, leadership's hard. A lot is expected of you. Being a boss is hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Having a signature that can sign for millions of dollars, it's hard. And people don't talk about that. And you're not allowed to because somehow you're supposed to be so grateful and so lucky, which you are. But man, it's hard. It's scary. And especially you can't go to like tell your buddies, I think you need to go see a counselor. I'm newlywed. I don't know how to do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I'm breaking away from my college friends. I'm breaking away from my friends. From my parents, I am making all these changes. Therapy is a great place to sit down and do that. And like I said, there's like over a month, month and a half wait list across the country right now. I think what, 40 or 50% of mental health professionals have some sort of wait list right now. It's tough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
That's why I'm telling you guys. People ask me all the time, why are you always talking about better help? Why are you talking about better help? You say you go to a therapist. Yes, if you can go to a trauma therapist, if you can go to somebody in person, go. Go. But, So many people are trying to make a phone call, man, and it's hard to get in. It's hard to get in. It's hard to get in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And the BetterHelp folks will show up for you, man, within 24, 48 hours. They will be back in touch, okay? So call my friends at BetterHelp. Sounds like a BetterHelp commercial here. Call them. Call them. They'll see you right away. You can go to betterhelp.com slash Deloney, and they'll hook you up with, I think it's 10 or 20% discount, 10% discount for the first month, 10.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Go give them a call, betterhelp.com slash Deloney. Go check it out. But any type of transition, here's what I'm seeing with Harvey, the guys like Harvey, who are amazing young talents. They're quitting. They're quitting under the guise of, I gotta follow my passion. Or they're quitting, I don't love my work. They're quitting under the guise of, I can't find balance. All of those things are myths.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
They're all bull crap. They're all like 10 years old. Those aren't real things. When you're in your late 20s and you are building something... A career, trust, a skill set. You just work a lot. I want everybody in their 20s, work like B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Work like crazy. You will draft off that in your 30s and 40s and 50s. Work really, really, really hard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And it comes with a lot of grief and a lot of weight and a lot of heaviness and a lot of, I don't know how to do this. And what if I mess this all up? It is awesome to have somebody to talk to. Call my friends at BetterHelp. Go see somebody. Get a group of men that you trust that you can be honest with and not just say it out loud, but will give you some skills to practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And then ask your wife, what kind of life do we want to build together? What kind of world do we want to create? And don't box yourself into either or conversations. Give yourself three or four or five options. You're the man, Harvey. I'm proud of you. You're building the neighborhoods and the community that my kids are going to grow up in, and I'm grateful for you, my man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I want you to do the work that you need to do right now in your late 20s so that you can be well, weather the storms, and be a builder, a construction guy of integrity. We need more, more, more men and women like you. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem or are you the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Yeah, not Kelly. Do we know anybody with discipline who's like,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Jeez, that's a tough one. All right, here's my... Let me say it like this. There are people who eat a certain way. And a part of the appeal of eating a certain way is because I just feel amazing, right? I feel great. And there are some people that eat specialized ways as an act of theater. It's a way they enter and exit a room, enter and exit a party.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
It's their reason for, it's their way to get the world to move around them. And I'm saying this as lovingly as I can, but if you're listening, you either know somebody like that or it's you. Okay, so in my house, I don't like to talk about diet and all that, but I eat very, very few. I almost never eat bread, okay, unless my wife makes this rad sourdough stuff. I just don't eat hamburger buns.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I don't eat whatever. So when she makes her fancy lasagna, And my wife is like greatest cook on the planet. She just, we've been together for 25 years. She will make part of that lasagna that's just meat and vegetables and stuff. And she won't put the stuff in there. And it's no skin off her back. And in fact, there's no drama about it. She just doesn't, it's just a way she cooks it now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And it's just, so let me cut, let me cut right to the chase here. Um, It is not financial abuse for you to look up and say, I have to make sure the needs of me and my child's safety is being met. And almost always in this situation, it's not a net zero. It's not just like he's being a bump on a log sitting in the house, just playing video games, doing nothing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And I don't throw a fit about it. And back before, I would just get the lasagna, and I would pick the noodles out of it. And so it was a low-key, I feel better, I don't snore, my clothes fit better, and cool. And she wanted to be a part of that. And so we all have people in our life that are like, hey, I don't eat gluten. It's all good. I'm fine. Don't worry. It's all good, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And then we all know the, I don't eat glutens. And so like, we all know that person. Or my daughter, if she eats a peanut, she dies. And so I look at labels now. But it's her that would die, not everyone else. And so if everyone else is doing a thing, it's our job to opt out, not to force our will on the world. I say all that to say this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I have to believe that if she feels noticeably better and she is her best version of herself, Her husband would fully enjoy that. If there wasn't the theater of going into a Burger King or an Arby's with a bowl of fresh fruit and... Do you have any non-organic, like... And don't forget the blender. And a blender and... Like... Come on. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And so that's where I think there's like a both and to this thing. Like... If you have diets that, like, if you're allergic to foods, you don't feel good, yes, it's your job to plan ahead. So good on you. Can you mix them before you go and put them in a cooler and just take them in in a straw or put them in a Stanley cup? Can you do that just to be inconspicuous?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Or do you have your own, just walk it into, like, a Chili's with a cooler and be like, you know where there's a plug? And making, like, a shake while the awesome blossom is on the way. Like... Is Awesome Blossom even Chili's?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Awesome Blossom? Yeah. They're all the same restaurant. Pretty much. It's a Bloomin' Onion. It's a Bloomin' Onion. It's all the same restaurant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
There is a Chili's Mafia in there coming for you, sister. I made a joke about Chili's once.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
So anyway, I think there's some both and here. If you have somebody that you love and they legitimately have some dietary needs, be compassionate and kind and go the extra mile. And if you make some choices about dietary needs, minimize the theater. Not everybody needs to know. Do your thing. Feel great and go on about your life. Like both things can be true. Is that fair? 100%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Because I know those people. Dude, if somebody just rolls into an Arby's with a blender and like a... Just hashtag just saying. Do your thing. Dude, listen. I know some people have glutens. It makes them really sick. A beef and cheddar or two can cure most anything you've got. I love me some Arby's.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Oh. They got the meats, Kelly. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
It's that he's also buying a bunch of crap and into conspiracy theories and doing willy-nilly stuff that he's a net drain on the house. Am I right or wrong?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And so, yes, you have to take him off. And you have to be prepared for what comes next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I know. Are you more afraid of a confrontation with a guy who has been using you as an ATM machine for the last 14 years, won't even commit to you, but is just using you as an ATM machine and making his friends, using your blood, sweat, and tears to make his friends think he's cool while you stand in line at a food bank so you and your kid can eat? Are you more scared of that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Or are you more scared of... ultimately filing bankruptcy, being destitute because your husband had the willpower of a small child. Like here's what, you've got two hard paths ahead of you. You don't have an easy path. You have to choose your heart. And the path you're on right now is killing you and you're watching it happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And I think the challenge for most people is they would never, ever, ever do that. And so they spend time trying to figure out. Most people can't imagine that somebody, how many kids do you have? One? Three. Three. Good God. Most people can't wrap their heads around having three kids and a wife working full time and not working ever to provide, but making sure everybody's taken care of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Let's roll out to San Francisco and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And when their wife says, Hey, we don't have any money blowing up on your wife. Most people that's so insane. That's such a bastardization of the role a husband is supposed to play in their house or a man is supposed to – you didn't even bother to be your husband. A man is supposed to play in your house? Like, so his whole life is a fantasy. He plays house, but he won't commit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
He plays husband, he won't commit. He plays dad, but he doesn't want the responsibility. He plays friend, but he spends his wife's money while she's getting noodles at a food bank. I mean, his whole life is a fantasy. But here's the problem. You've allowed it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And it's a fantasy that continues to grow and grow and grow. He's just a kid in his mom's basement. It just happens to be you're his mom, right? You're the maternal figure in his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
He needs to get a freaking job and he won't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
So Anna, you're at a precarious position right now. And you're probably not sleeping and you're probably spinning out a lot. And here's why. Your body knows that you are on a razor's edge and they're going to take your house from you because you put your house on the block. You're dangerously scared because you know that your credit is going to be like his.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And even if they take your home from you because you default on an equity line of credit that you can no longer afford, your kids aren't going to be able to have an apartment because your credit's so bad. You know these things in your nervous system. The real question is, are you going to act on them? What are you going to do next? And I get the grief and I get this fear and I get the terror.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I get all of it. And even if you don't think you're worth it, your kids are. I'm just sick to my stomach that this is the way this man has chosen to treat his wife and his children. It's disgusting. It's just gross, man. But neither you nor I can do anything about how he chooses to wake up and piss away his life. What we can do is choose the next right thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I want you to think about your four walls. Is my home secure? Do I have running water and electricity? Do I have transportation? Do I have food for me and my children? And if you don't have those things, you have to move to protect yourself financially, particularly when you are the chief breadwinner. You're the only one bringing him money. And listen, his fantasy will come crashing down.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
The question you have to ask yourself is, will it come crashing down on top of you or next to you? And as for me and my kids, I would not subject them to the abrupt ending to his little fantasy run that he's had. So yes, I would move the money. This is a matter of safety. I would move my direct deposit into a new bank.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I would close the checking account, and I would tell him, I have taken the money out of the account. You've spent us into a dangerous hole. If you want to go get a job, you're welcome to have money. You will have no more resources or money. And by the way, I want you to put a freeze on your credit report so he can't take out any credit cards in your name, no loans in your name.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And I don't know how the laws in California work. Hopefully his 14 years of not being willing to marry you will backfire on him. But I don't know how that crazy state does stuff. So I don't know. And you got to ask yourself, is this a relationship you want to stay in? He's a predator. He's a child. He's not a sexual predator, but he is somebody who just does nothing. He's not a predator.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
He's a parasite. That's what he is. He's a parasite. He's a parasite. I hate it for you, sister. I wish I had better news. But yes, this is not financial abuse. This is you spreading your wings and protecting your children and protecting you from somebody who does not care about anything other than himself. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
All right, let's go to Denver, Colorado and talk to AMY. What's up, Amy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
Does it have to be an event? And here's what I mean. We don't have a good system. They just don't exist. Maybe they do in other cultures. I don't know of any. There's ways to end romantic relationships and there's ways to end business relationships. There's just not a good way to end a grown-up adult friendship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
There's not like a, like I'm breaking up with you like over coffee. It just doesn't work like that. Right. But so I'm asking you, does it have to be an event or can it just be, dude, I'm not, I'm not going to answer. I don't have to answer the phone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
I mean, if she is, if she is a toxic person, you coming up with the right explanation will not satisfy her. Right. That conversation will be theater for you. And it won't, I mean, it, If she chooses to ask you because she cares about you as much as you've cared about her over 30 years, she'll ask you, hey, seriously, you never answer the phone anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Spends All My Salary
And then you could say, dude, I just can't do the toxic boy thing anymore. I just can't. You make your choices. You do your thing. I've been ride or die for so long. I've got to – I just don't have the mental capacity for it anymore. That's being 100% honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I love the extra hour of daylight, but dude, losing an hour of sleep is tough on me and my entire family. It's when we all lose that hour that I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for my attitude, my cognitive function, and my ability to just show up and do life well. This is why I love my friends at Helix.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Let's go out to San Bernardino, California, and talk to, well, well, well, my Michelle. What's up, Michelle?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
What business is he going to start?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I imagine that when they were like, man, we need somebody to move out of state, he's like, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. There's a hurricane. There's been a human explosion at my house. I'll come back in three years. Yeah, that's not a good time, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah. In these kind of situations, again, he's not on the phone, so I can't – I don't know what's going on in his mind, what's going on in his soul. Who knows? And so I can only speculate, so I don't want to do that too much. But, y'all, I say this often on the show, and I'll say it again here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Often when there's a newborn, this isn't an excuse, but it's a context for everybody out there to stop with the Hollywood stuff and to speak very clearly to each other about what you need and what you want. Husbands also often have a kid come home and they have no idea what to do. And if you try to Google what to do, it is super unhelpful. And none of their guy friends can help very much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And so home becomes a failure factory. I don't know how to succeed here. And the good husbands who find themselves stuck, they're trying to Google, they're trying to help, they're trying to wash the bottles and they do that wrong and they do the diapers wrong. And then my wife comes home and goes, hey, guess what? I'm having twins. They're like, oh gosh.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
They know one place where they can be successful for their family and that's at work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Okay. So really that's a man that doesn't feel like he has a purpose in his own house. And so he's found the one thing he can do that society says, this is the way you love your family. Right. And there is some truth to that. Like, right. Providing for his three kids and his, and his pregnant wife. That's important. It's critically important.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But so is being present, being home, being around during this chaos. Right. But if you rattle off and say no, then you quickly become his mother, and he's been rebelling against her his whole life, hasn't he?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But here's what you need. Beneath the no is what? When he brought that up, what did you immediately think? Give me the things that you started rattling off in your mind that if he's gone, won't get done, won't happen. Fill those blanks in for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah, but let me flip that around on you. Having held a six-month-old, I don't think I've ever felt that scared and inept in my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I didn't know what to do. I just knew I couldn't feed him other than unless, you know, we, my wife had pumped. I knew I was kind of useless. I know now that's not true, but I want you to not personal in the same way that he's like, why aren't we making out anymore? And you're like, cause I'm a human jungle gym right now. Right. And he takes that personal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I don't want you to take his request to start a business as it take that personal to that makes sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
You people of the desert, keep your secrets. Hey, next time I'm there, I'm going to bring like a Subaru Outback or like an Overlander 4Runner, and I'm going to just tell everyone I'm from Nevada, and they're going to be like, ooh, a local.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
All right. Well, that's where you got to write that stuff down. And let's have that conversation. Because here's what you're telling him in those moments. I need you. I want you here. I'm so proud of you trying to protect our family, to earn for our family, to go start a new business so that I can stay home. And if this is a math problem, y'all need to be honest about your math problem, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And it may be that we got to leave San Bernardino, California, which is a very expensive place to live. And we're all moving out of state. There's a math problem to this. But beneath it, and again, I'm trying to be as altruistic as possible. This guy may suck. You may need to take all this personally. Like he's trying to run away from you guys, right? That may be the case.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Kelly's nodding, yes, yes, yes. He may be terrible. I'm trying to be as altruistic as I can. but beneath the no is I want you here. You play an important role here. And here's what that is. I can't do this by myself. I need you home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And then it is, tell me what scares you about holding that baby. Tell me what scares you about, and now you're getting into dangerous territory for a guy because vulnerability gets a guy killed on the works on the worksite in the boardroom. It gets a guy killed. And so you're asking him to do something that's scary to him. And if he's honest, he may say, I'm scared about money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I'm scared about having three kids in here and not knowing what to do. Or he may say, I'm a jerk. I don't want to be here. He won't say he's a jerk, but this is his way of leaving you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And I'm going to talk bad about the strip. I'll be like, I hate gambling. They'll be like, yeah, that'll be cool. We'll drive out in the desert and me and Michael Easter will go for a rock. It'll be awesome. All right. So Nevada. All right. So Mary from Nevada. Um, I feel like I'm like a Michigander who got lost in Nevada. All right. So what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
It's not about killing a dream. It's just not a good time. If somebody else goes and starts this particular branch of this company that him and his partners are running, um, in two or three years, there will be multiple state opportunities there too. And you'll have two three-year-olds and you'll have a five-year-old and then y'all can make some plans.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I moved across the country with my one two-year-old and she did great. I know that's nothing like moving a circus like you would be moving, but like, you know what I mean? Like you can do that. But right now it's just not a good time. But if you shut down every time you get emotional and blame pregnancy or blame, like he needs to hear, I love you and I miss you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Again, I, I'm, I'm trying to be altruistic and think of the best motives for her. Um, if you come back and you're like, no, he actually, he sucks. He's a terrible guy. Then that's, that's a whole other thing. Um, But I want you to spend some time writing down what it is. And it sounds so common sense, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Me on the other side of this thing, I can be like, bro, you got to do X, Y, and Z and all these things. Totally. But I want you to, he needs to hear you say, I need you. Is that Hollywood? No. Hollywood, he's just supposed to read your mind and know and have downloaded all the childcare info and all that kind of stuff. I'm not trying to provide this guy a pass, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
He's that interested in plumbing. He could get that interested in child raising. I know he could figure that stuff out. I'm just saying, at home, he's trying to come up with other options down the road. And here's how I can love you guys.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And if you say actually here's how you could love us right now That becomes a compelling message other than no No, you can't do that Because my guess is that'll send him running for the door even faster or maybe not Maybe he'll just live and dead in his own skin and blame you for the whole time and that's resentment And we don't want that either um Yeah, not a good time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I'd love to talk to him, though. I want to find out if he's a great guy like I'm hoping he is or if he's kind of a box of turds. But, Kelly, I can see you just fuming over there. What are you thinking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Okay. Flabbergast away. At me or him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But you know what that means, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I know, but, you know, again, maybe I – am I – which one is right, Michelle? You can answer this. Am I being too soft on this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Well, moving out for three years is a huge thing. It's not one little thing. I guess, Kelly, here's the thing that catches me. I personally remember, and maybe I'm too biased for this call, I personally remember thinking, I don't know how to do this, and I don't know how to do this. I can help my family at the office. And so I took another job, and then another job, and then another job. And...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
him circling back saying, I'm trying to set us up so in five years I can be with you guys fully, which we all know that's not true. None of that is true. He's going to have, if he's successful and that's successful, there'll be 54 more branches open across the country, right? So that's not even true. But either he's lying or he is saying, okay, I want to be here all the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And if I just sacrifice right now, and he just doesn't understand, you can't burn that time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
It's madness. Any rational person is madness to leave your wife for three days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah, you can't. Not the right time. Not the right time. I, Michelle, want – again, instead of you saying no, I want to hear you write out for yourself and for him, here's why I need you here. And this might sound so absurd and so dumb. But he needs to hear, and not just tasks. You need to do diapers. This is a marriage-building moment. This is a before and after for your marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I see you, and I need you, and I want you here. And I know you don't think that you're providing things. You are. You're a critical piece. You're way more important than some stupid plumbing business. You're their dad. You're my husband. You're the foundation of this home. I need you here, especially during these first few crazy years. Thanks for the call, Michelle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Give him that gift, and if he rubs your nose in it, call me back, and I'll eat crow, and then we'll call him together. That'd be fun. But hopefully, hopefully, Kelly is shaking her head at me. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about cozy earth. In my house, I would prefer to go to sleep somewhere just south of the Arctic Circle. I like it cold.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor. Period. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids and everything you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And my wife, on the other hand, would prefer to sleep on the surface of the sun. We can't agree on temperature, but we can agree on how much we both love our cozy earth sheets. And I don't know how they do it. It's some kind of temperature jujitsu. But she stays comfortable on her side and I stay comfortable on mine. And we're both happy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And it won't shock you to know that before I started learning more about betting, I just thought sheets were sheets were sheets. And I have come to learn not all sheets are created equal. There's a wide range of quality from my awful... cheap old fitted sheet I slept on in college to masterfully crafted sheets created with softness, strength, temperature regulation and comfort throughout.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And Cozy Earth is not just another bed sheet company. They make their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. And remember, Cozy Earth spring into comfort sales happening right now with exclusive savings for you watching or listening to the show. 40% off all products. That's 40% off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. Use code Deloney. All right, we're back. Hey, before we take the next call, listen, I missed the math on this. Huge whiff on my part. All right, you were doing the math, Kelly. What do you got on this last call here?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
That means there was some rocking on to the break of dawn in the hospital.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Gosh, I wish we could get him back on the phone. We won't do it on this one, but I'd love to know the math on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah, we'll clarify it on the show. But yes, if... Oh, man. I whiffed on that one. There is signs in the hospital that says like... Like, here's the deal. They have to tell you to take time because you know somebody's tried.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Even the ones like no sex during the... Like... While somebody's in labor. You know that those signs are up because somebody has tried it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
God help us all. We're doomed. Let's go out to Carroll, Iowa and talk to Victor. What's up, Victor? Hey, John. How's it going? Good, man. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Well, that's because y'all are from Iowa. That's kind of the thing. But, no, dude, yeah. I don't know how this math works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Tell me about that. You're on dangerous thin ice, homie. I'll walk up there a little bit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Well, here's the thing. I say it on the show all the time, and this is a perfect example of it. The things that your body and spirit and mind and nervous system did to survive as a kid will blow up your adult relationships.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah, she has to decide. Forget everybody else, forget everybody's opinion, forget everybody's anything. It is you and her, ride or die, that is it. Yeah. And she has to choose two things. Number one... To be honest about what she wants and what she needs. And she probably is going to have to practice that because she's never given herself permission. As a kid, she didn't have permission.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But she's never given herself permission to ask that question. And you're going to have to be a steadfast supporter. And you got to put your oxygen mask on first. And then the second thing is she's going to have to practice being uncomfortable saying no. Because she doesn't have a psychology for it. She doesn't have a wiring for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But tell me, like, let's, let's pause all that. How's your marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
That's it. Your house, you brought that up twice. Your house is a disaster. You don't, you don't think you have enough money. How's your, what's your, um, sex and intimacy life like?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah, I want to lean on you, though. That can't be a thing you sit on. That can't be a lawn chair you lean back in. You got to go forward. And it might be writing it down and writing it down and writing it down until you can say, here's what I want. I want you. Here's what I need. How can I love you today? And then vice versa. But y'all have to... Here's the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
If she doesn't feel anchored at home, she's going to just default back to 12-year-old her, 12-year-old her, 12-year-old her, because that's what her nervous system knows. Yeah. That neural wiring is already in place. And if she feels anchored and has a purpose and connected at her house, then she can have a chance to begin to practice these other things. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But y'all have to have a shared path moving forward, which is, as for our house... And you can be honest about, hey, I don't think we have enough, and she can say we have plenty. And then the beauty about that conversation is it's a math problem. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And in my house, it's a math problem, and I'm a little bit crazy on one end, and my wife is a little bit open-handed on the other end, and we both make space for each other. It doesn't bother her one tiny bit to have a mortgage on a house. that you're paying off with some speed. I can't sleep at night. And I really want a deep freezer with like a year's worth of food in it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
She's like, okay, whatever. So we make some concessions for each other because we're on the same team. Yeah. But almost always when I hear somebody defaulting back to their time when they were a kid, it's because their body recognizes I'm out of control again. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Okay. Who cares what the, who absolutely cares what the, what the details are.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Okay, again, you keep taking me back. I want to come here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Okay, now let's have that real question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And you need to be able to say, I would love that for you. Like that's great and wonderful or that terrifies me and here's why.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Otherwise, you're going to end up moving across the country in a move that you don't think is good for her or your family or you and you're going to resent her and the family or you're just going to keep plowing ahead and trying to make more money at work and she's going to resent you. You've got to put that stuff on the table. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Her going back home to become a surrogate mother for all these kids is probably not a wise move right now with her own two kids and a young, very young, young, young marriage. but it also may be a place where she gets some help with the kids too. Is she lonely? Yeah. Are you? That's one thing she said a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I would put that at the top, top, top of your priority list. And I'm telling you as a fellow guy, it's the worst. I hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But our bodies come home dysregulated and our family absorbs our attention when we do that. Yeah. I can absolutely see that in our boys. And dude, I invited my neighbor to a concert the other night. I gave him like two hours notice. He's got a toddler. Of course, he couldn't make it. And I was like, oh, man. I was embarrassingly nervous all day to text him. Me. Me. I wrote the book on this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And I was like, man, I don't know, dude. What if the concert's weird? It's not good. It was so ridiculous. And you know what? It ended up being magic. A great fun night. My buddy Brian Welch from Korn shows up. I mean, the whole thing ended up getting off the rails. It was a blast. And because I was a chicken all day, I didn't give this guy enough time. Right? I'm still working through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I tell you that to tell you there's amazing opportunities for connection on the other side of just being awkward and going first. This could be weird, man. But here's all the things I'm telling you. I'm throwing a lot at you. Yeah. What matters the most is you and your wife decide, let's clear the deck. What kind of home and marriage do we want to have? Because we get to build whatever we want.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
You have bricks in your backpack from your childhood. Your wife has bricks in her backpack from her childhood. She's got automated default setting to run across the country and save everybody from themselves because she had to do that growing up. You've got your default settings, which is probably scarcity and not enough money. We've got to work, got to work, got to work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And y'all need to sit down and say, okay, those things kept us safe and got us here. And we get to choose what happens next. And you saying, I just don't do that well. It's not my toolkit. You got to get that toolkit. You got to learn how to talk openly and directly with your wife. That's the way you can love her. Clear as kind, right? And her vice versa. And, and, and, and, and, and, and.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And so I guess the answer is to how does she stop mothering is let's get her a place where she can anchor in with you. Anchor in in a way that she's never anchored in before. And by the way, her body tells her that you might die. You might leave. You might get sick. And so let's honor that. Her body's not broken. It's just running a script that it already knows. I will be right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
How can I love you today? I'll be right here. What kind of marriage do we want to build? And we're going to build it, and we're going to build it, and we're going to build it. And it might include moving. It might include not moving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
It might include one year of just you socking away a bunch of money in an emergency fund so that you can exhale some, and then you'll move across the country to New Mexico. Who knows what it ends up being? But it's going to start with y'all saying, as for our house, we're going to choose peace. And what does that even mean? Thank you so much for the call, brother. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering. Prayer and meditation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And when you sign up at halo.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free, so you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out Halo at halo.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. This is the second time we're back because Kelly's not reading it read good. Go ahead, Kelly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
No. Like sex and rejection are so deeply intertwined. It's like so personal. I mean, it's the ultimate, this is all of me. Do you still love me? And when somebody is like, hey, this is all of me. even underneath my skin, right? And I'm trying. And when somebody tries in a vulnerable state and it's met with, oh, that's stupid. Dude, that cuts to the soul, man. Yeah, no, not at all.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
I would be heartbroken. And I'm so sick of the, I'm tired of getting rejected all the time. We need some more language there, right? Because that's just trying to make somebody else's life all about you. Let's get some different language there, man. But yeah, she has every reason to feel heartbroken. This is a conversation that needs to happen in the daytime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And all of your intel, if you will, is from a 15-year-old via a 17-year-old. Yeah. So my...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Like over a breakfast, like, hey, we're not seeing each other eye to eye here. What needs to happen? And dude, what was the book?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Dude, tell her to put the link in the show notes on that one. Love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Wait, why? Why, Mary? Why? Let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor, period. And I actually teach my son to stand up for people. And so if my son is out somewhere and there's somebody out on the margins and they're in an unsafe situation or somebody's trying to hurt them, I have taught and trained my son to intervene.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And if he gets arrested and goes to jail and has a criminal record and is wearing an ankle monitor, I will also teach him that the 15-year-old girl he's dating is going to need to take a break for a bit. I'm not sitting down with a minor, with a 17-year-old who's about to be 18 and trying to get the facts. Because you know what 17-year-olds who want to hook up with 15-year-olds do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
They just make up whatever story that is going to be most advantageous to them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
You get what I'm saying? Like, this is like a scorched earth thing for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Because here's why. You'll be testing. The test here is your daughter. This isn't hypothetical. If he spins you some story that's amazing and you feel compassion and moved and he's getting rigged by the system, whether he's telling the truth or not, that's the test there for a guy that just got arrested and is being prosecuted for assault is your daughter. I'm not taking that risk.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
If you notice I'm being a little more chill, it's because they did the chat GPT roast of me. They said I come in pretty hot, like I've had a bunch of espressos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Not a 15-year-old. When she's 18, she can do what she wants to. But are you heartbroken about breaking her heart again?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Yeah, but the stakes are too high. I would much rather my 15-year-old not like me than cross my fingers and hope that a convicted 17-year-old makes good choices. I think the fallacy here, yes, if you cut off a child, and I've had episodes of the show where I kind of go after dads especially. I'm taking her phone. I'm cutting her off. She can't do anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
So basically you starve a child who's desperate for connection from oxygen, right? Right. That's a terrible idea. You're right. They will claw through the walls to get out of your house so they can breathe. With connection being their breath, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And if you have a young daughter whose dad has been absent or abusive or treated their mother like crap or been highly critical, then yes, she's going to go find the nearest warm-bodied male that says, I love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Totally get that. Totally get that. And what I want you to do is I want you to think about 25-year-old her who's holding a toddler and is not in school. or didn't go to school because she couldn't, who looks at you and says, why did you let me run amok when I was 15? Because I'd get mad at you? Now listen, I got a 14-year-old. I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare. I hate it. I hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Right? And I don't have near the challenges you have. I just know the nights after we have hard conversations about something I'm drawing a hard line on, man. I know what it costs my kid. I hate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
So now I'm coming in like I'm like five Quaaludes in, four or five Xanax.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
In your case, the false dichotomy is it's either I let her cross my fingers and let her like, I give this 17-year-old a stern talking to, and then I let my daughter out with the wolves, which, by the way, let's just do the math. I don't know what the age of consent is in Nevada, but what is he six months, eight months away from being 18. And this is illegal.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
It will be. And if he's got pictures of her on his phone right now, he's, you get what I'm saying? Like this is a mess waiting to happen, but let's back all the way up. If you keep her from a rattlesnake, if you keep her from getting hurt, um, You have to backfill that connection.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And that's exhausting. You don't have time. You probably have to work another job now because you're trying to figure out how you're going to pay bills post-divorce. I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare. But this is your mother moving in with you for a season. This is y'all finding an aunt or your sister. We'll do whatever we got to do because we got about three years, maybe two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
We can do anything for two or three years. but we're going to go to breakfast once a week. We're going to have dinner. I'm going to be obnoxious. I'm going to take your phone if I got to do that. You're not having a car. I'm going to do these things. And a 16-year-old can run away. They can. There's not a lot we can do. We can call the police and get her back and yada, yada.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
But it's a tough season. And the research says divorce on 15-year-old kids on early teens is really impactful. Not to mention the father figure she's grown up seeing. It's hard. It's hard. But I guess what I'm trying to present to you is I get how trapped you feel. And this is the time to wrap your arms around that girl and say, I can't let you do this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
The most hurtful that I come in hot with youth minister energy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
This is, she's 15. She's seen a lot of life. This is when you sit down and say, here's what happened to me when I was 15. This is what happened to me when I was 18. And that's when she sees her mother as a person, not as this overlord. You get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
That hurt in my soul. Right in my soul. I have no sparkles on my jeans, by the way. Anyway, I didn't come in here with a somersault or whatever and... Yeah, they gave me the hemorrhoids on that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Absolutely, yes. And I think it gives you a little sliver of credibility to say, hey, I can't, I can't. If he defended somebody and he got arrested and got convicted and whatever, then I'll salute him, but I'm not going to, you can't go out with a 17-year-old with an ankle monitor on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
We're just not going to have that. We're not going to have that story. When you're 18, you can do what you want to do. Unless you're still living at my house, eating my food and, or I'm still paying your tuition. This isn't about control. This is about safety. And I know I can't, I can't imagine being in your seat when you made a hard call to value your dignity and your character and
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
to leave this guy who was cheating on you and rubbing your nose in misery. And they blame you for blowing up the house, or at least he does. And like, I get all of that. And the last thing you want to do is to have one of your kids mad at you again. I hate you. I'm leaving here. Nobody loves me. He's the only one who loves me. I did. I get that. I guess the hard,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
line I draw is that this is when she needs a boundary. She needs love. She needs connection. She needs a tight, tight squeeze more than ever, more than ever. And as parents, like globally, but especially in the United States, we have to learn to be okay with teenagers who don't like us. We have to be okay with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
You're a good mom for modeling to her what it's like to have dignity and respect for yourself when your husband tries to take it from you. I applaud you. And I also know the road ahead of you is very difficult. I also applaud you for being honest and open and beginning to show these young girls like, hey, I was a young girl too. And I've been hurt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And I found myself in crummy situations and, and, and, and. And I'm drawing the line here. And that's when your extra connection has to begin. We're going to have breakfast every week. We're going to go on a date once a week. You and I are going to have to keep a joint journal together. You and I are going to go for walks every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
You and I are going to start going to the gym or yoga or something together. I'm going to double down on connection. She's going to hate it and be mad. I can't believe this. I don't want to go. And then she's going to wake up and be 18 and exhale and say, thank God my mom came and got me. You're a good, good mom, Mary. Thank you for loving these girls.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And thank you for having a radar that went up. Ain't no 17 year old boy with an ankle monitor dating my daughter. And I know that sounds old and paternalistic and I simply don't care. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, cutting corners with our physical health won't cut it anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Bro, that hurt my heart. And dude, shout out. You want to be youth minister? Knock your lights out. Man, if the world really experiences me that way, I've got a lot of work to do. I'm going back to therapy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And whenever I try to just wing it, when I don't have a plan or any goals, I end up skipping workouts and making a lot of excuses or not really getting anywhere with my physical fitness. And I hear from you a lot, and I know that you guys work out the same way. If we all want to make real progress towards our fitness goals, we have to have a real plan.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
And TrainWell's got just the plan for everyone. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan, and then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Me, my wife, our friends, we've been using these workouts and TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer at trainwell.net slash deloney today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. And as we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
33. So if you slap it up, flip it and reverse it and go back to like 16-year-old Ben, is this how you drew it up? No.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I'm talking about new stories that will change your life forever for the better. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. If you're considering therapy, I want you to try calling my friends at BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of bond charge products with my own money and I love them. Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus studies being double blind placebo trials.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one has shown any negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite stretch marks, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I use my red light therapy panels and mask both near infrared light and red light 10 to 20 minutes each day and sometimes more. And I often do this during my prayer and meditation time or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It's become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. I've also ordered Bond Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and bulbs for my home, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
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The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Yeah, just sitting there in headphones listening to my voice while you edit and edit and edit. Most people don't know this show is about four hours long and you have to make it into about an hour show. Yeah, me and Sarah just pulling this together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
All right, let's go out to Seattle, Washington, home of Pearl Jam and talk to Erin. What's up, Erin? How we doing?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Well, yeah, yes, and? I guess what I would say out of the gate, I would say fun can't be your metric for life. If you're asking the question, is this fun? You're never going to go through hard times in the gym that get you stronger. If your questions are, is this fun?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
You're never going to like have mind the depths of your marriage because the only way you get to the other side where you feel tethered and united with the person is you have to go through hell together. And so I think until you shift your metric, it doesn't look fun. I mean, just look at it on paper. It's a bad algorithm. It's going to cost you money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
It's going to blow your marriage up for a while. It's going to change your sex life. I mean, it's going to change all the stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Except, let me push back. What life you've painted. Do you mind asking how old you are?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Okay, 26. Yeah, you told me that. So I'm going to tell you something as an old man, mid-40s, okay? Okay. Your generation, and I'm responsible for your generation. I was an educator for 20 years in high school and universities, okay? I'm responsible. We told you guys that the path towards a great life was the avoidance of painful things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
If you have body, if you've always had body image issues, I have too my whole life. And I can't hold a candle to what women go through. The path is not avoidance of bringing, like watching your heart grow a new chamber as it wraps around this new life. And avoiding that because of some past challenges. The work is I'm heading straight through that body image challenge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Your overbearing in-laws are going to be chaotic and overbearing. Why don't you have kids? Where's my grandkids? I can't believe you married her. Oh, my gosh. She's too – she doesn't look right. It's not going to go away. It's going to amplify either way. So the work is not to avoid the in-laws. It's to go right through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And that means you have to have hard conversations with your husband about are you going to still be mommy's boy or are you going to be my husband? And when it comes to career, dude, career is amazing. Career is amazing. And career has become a drug for the modern Western world to avoid the hard, messy, gritty reality that is depth and life. What did you get your master's in?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I don't know if I could draw up a less fun birthday party for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Congratulations. So are you going to go work at a big firm or are you going to go do boutique stuff?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Awesome. High respect for that. And the moment their executive team gets a whiff that they're going to miss a Q number, they're going to lay off 10% of you guys and they will have that job filled at the beginning of the next quarter without you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And so on the other side, I can't do the math. The math doesn't work. And that leads me to believe that, kind of like this, I heard a famous attorney once say, you never use a gallon of milk to measure how far something is from something else. But a measurement in a gallon is right. It's a great measurement when you're measuring like milk or whatever, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
All right. Well, I still remember we went to the Under Earth show last time, and it was... That was rad. Off the chain. All right, let's go out to Alberta, Canada, and talk to the great Tara. What's up, Tara?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Or when it comes to how much tequila Kelly drinks on a regular basis. You measure gallons. It's good. But you don't use a gallon to measure how far a football field is. Similarly, algorithms are good. Math problems are good. That's not the measurement you use when you talk about creating life. And here's what I can tell you. Here's what I can tell you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
The data tells me that, yes, your marriage takes a dip. But it takes a dip if your metric is fun and your metric is quote unquote happy, which I think happy is cocaine and cotton candy. I don't think that's even a good metric. And it also takes a hit when couples are not intentional about understanding that our life is going to change and it's going to be different.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Most couples have a kid and they keep saying this phrase, I just want to get back to the way it was. Instead of recognizing, I can't believe we get to make what happens next. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So I can tell you just as personal. This is just me. I have one regret in my life. And that's that I didn't have more kids. That's it. I said some stupid things I wish I could take back. Actually, I regret a few of those. I've heard some people. But globally speaking, I wish I had more kids. And that's just me. It's not for everybody. But I am...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I just don't believe a person can fully understand their capacity to love something or someone until they are staring at a reflection of themselves in their hands. Until they're staring at a loved one, a kid, whether through adoption, whether through personal care, like it's just amazing. And it will cost you money and you'll lose sleep. You won't progress as fast in your career.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And all those things are true. So let me ask you this. Why are you asking the question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's not true. Bad churches tell you that, but that's not true. And so it sounds to me like you're watching your friends suffer. You've, you've been told this message by me and countless other professors and friends and family forever. And you're haunted by, I want to have a kid. It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like you're trying to make it make sense. Cause that's what you want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Let me free you from this. God's a big boy. He can take care of himself. He's got things figured out. If you believe in God, you have to believe he's got things figured out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So the question is, who are you going to be when you walk into that accounting firm if you're a person of faith? Who are you going to be as a mom? Who are you going to be as somebody who says, as for me and my house, we're not going to have kids? I think that's the theological answer that most people have to wrestle with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Tell me about what you're working on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Yeah. I get that. I get that. And you're not wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Yeah. My kid's getting close and I thought I was all ready. And it's like, man, but here's, here's the thing. The math isn't going to work out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Like there's going to be trying to preempt scary times and hard times and frustrating times. In any job, in any relationship, in any endeavor is a fool's errand. Because A, you never know how extraordinary it's going to be on the other side. And our bodies are designed for, but what if it all goes wrong, right? That's how our bodies have survived all these gajillions of years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And with some intentionality. So as you're talking, I'm thinking, Yeah, we're going to give that overbearing mother-in-law a role if she wants it. We're going to not include that overbearing mother-in-law, but I'm going to have three high school kids that come over and spend the night with me sometimes so I can sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I'm just thinking of one solution after another after another that kept my family's head screwed on straight.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Yeah, so the first one is... no woman should be alone with a crying baby and that's the way we've built our modern western society that a brilliant like um competent amazing woman comes home she's pulled from her job she's pulled from her social circles she's pulled from her spouse and she sits in a box with a screaming toddler for months, sometimes for years. That's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's never happened in all of human history. For all of human history, there were kids and cousins and grandparents. There's actually some pretty remarkable conversations around, I say conversations in the literature about grandmothers. Like, what's the utility? Like, if it's pure biology, right? Like, reproduce, and that's the species. Like, why would grandmothers hang around?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
What's the point of being alive post-menopause? Why didn't nature just end the life of a woman when she couldn't bear kids anymore? Well, come to find out, anthropologically...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
having wise older women who are there to participate in, like whether it's wisdom and in the modern world, whether it's like my mom, who's still a professor, whether it is hugging, hurting kids, whether it is taking care of nurturing, whatever it is, there's roles to play for everybody. And so your adventure becomes, I know me when I'm sleep deprived.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I know me when there's a screaming kid and I can't do anything about it. So instead of avoiding the whole thing, I'm going to head straight through it. Okay. What must be true then? Does your husband want kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Have you sat down with some older women that are a couple of years ahead of you and just said, if you had to do it all over again, would you? And not people who are with one and two year olds, because they're still like square in the middle of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But I guess I just... As an accountant, that doesn't make any sense. I get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
have tos and you have been comparing yourself to people's bodies to people's attitudes to people's spirituality to people's interpretation of what god wants them to do to their dreams you've been comparing yourself forever what i want you to begin to practice is having the courage to co-create a new world with your husband where y'all decide and if you're people of faith informed by your faith right
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So when he pushed back, I'm interested in this little, it's almost a derailment, but I think we may find some answers here. When he pushed back and said, oh, so you think this is boring. Tell me about that interaction.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But y'all decide, what kind of world do y'all want to inhabit? And when y'all decide that, no decision is fixed. And so every decision is six months, is three months, is one year. And if you say, I want to keep working full time, great, keep working full time. And if three months in, you're like, this is the worst decision, I want to go home, then go home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And if you're like, this is the best thing for me, I love it. We have an amazing nanny. My mother stepped up and she's taking those old nursing skills. She's the best. Stay at home. It's amazing. Awesome. But here's the thing. Y'all get to decide. And nothing is fixed. Nothing is forever. Y'all get to change your mind all the time. Build something new. Build something new. Build something new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But I want you to begin to think, what do I actually want with my one reckless, wild, precious life? It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't that helpful, and overall building a better life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year, let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your heart and your soul.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Let's start with our spiritual lives and let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Hallow has some amazing daily prayers, and one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and fostering a community for accountability. So start the new year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three months for free when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. All right, Kelly, you're looking at me through the glass.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I think men get that same flack. I don't think we talk about it the same. Probably. No, we don't get the same flack. That's not true. We don't get the same flack, but we get... I think you just get flack either way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's right. Yeah. So, yeah, I think there are people who sit down and think it through and say, this is not for us. Always going to honor that. High five all the way to the end of time. But I do think that our generation sold them part of the algorithm that wasn't true. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
It would be like if my parents grew up dancing and they loved dancing and they were not great at it, but they weren't dancing every weekend. And I'd always hear them banging around the house and they got home laughing, carrying on. And then in high school, I took dance classes. And every time I went out to dance class, they sat us down and said, hey, if you do this, here's what's about to happen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And they painted this picture using ulterior metrics, wrong metrics. This will happen, and this will happen, and this will happen, and this will happen. Jeez, okay. I'm not doing that. I don't want that life. I don't want that life then. Cool. I got the message. I don't want that world. I don't want to exist there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And then you sit down and you meet somebody and you're like, hey, do you want to go dancing? And it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have talked to the experts and they have said, this happens. You run out of money. You don't have any time. You don't get to do art anymore. You don't get to do this. Your career goes away. All these things that aren't objectively true. They're just false.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But you paint this picture about it, and then people say, well, it's just not for me. Totally get that people's right to do that. I honor that all day long. And as from a house that, man, we tried to have kids, and it was horrific. I wouldn't wish that on anybody, right? Been there. I totally get it. So what I'm saying is not everyone has to have kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
What I'm saying is I think there's got to be some ownership that we told people to use this calculus, and it was the wrong calculus. What I should have looked at, back to my dance analogy, some guy in a classroom can give me all of the, well, here's how many calories you're going to burn. Here's what it's going to do to your hips. And here's what it's going to do to your toes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
They can give me all that stuff. And then I could just remember back to how much laughter and joy and warmth was filled my home growing up when I watched my parents dance, right? And when dad blew his knee out and all the rehab and all the whining, like, by the way, my parents... If they ever are dancing, I'll know where the apocalypse is upon us. They don't dance. So is that making sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
You always picture me in the weirdest stuff. I told you to go see somebody about that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Every time we have these calls about kids, I always get lit up with mean emails and questions, and that's fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Some people... Millions and millions can't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Well, and that goes back to what I was saying earlier about... Man, there's a – just if you decide this, decide don't do it alone, right? Find the aunts and uncles and teenagers and neighbors and grandparents. And I know there are people who listen to the show and say, I've got nobody. Okay, that's your work then.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And that's not a popular thing to say, but that's your job then to go find some people that you can breathe with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So give me some examples of some things you would love to try.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And the beauty is they get to decide that. They get to decide that. And... Oh, I keep looking at the economic data. The birth rates are declining all over the world because people are opting out of having kids. And there's people trying to ring the alarm bells. I'm like, uh, what a strange new world we live in. But alas.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Adam. Adam, save me from myself. What's up, brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Gosh, that's such a blessing, man. Thank you for asking the question. I wish there were more teachers out in the world like you. That's pretty awesome, brother. Well, it just hit me one day. No, it's incredible. And I count my few years of teaching high school as two of my favorite years I've ever been alive. It was hard. I got hit in the face. I mean, it was wild, but man, I loved it, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So I think my initial thought is this. How far up river can we get relationally so that when these things occur in the life of a young person, That regardless of what's going on at home, regardless of what's going on in their lives and their worlds, they know of one sturdy adult that both knows them slash sees them and holds them to a standard.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And so most schools get this wrong on either side of the teeter-totter. It's all emotional. It's all relational, which is great, but kids know when they're not doing their best. Yeah. And kids know when an adult hugs them and says, it's okay. The kid knows it's not. And so what we tell kids is we lie to them, and they know it. They know it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And then the other school says, I don't care what's going on anywhere, anytime. You will do this work. And just a basic understanding of Maslow, like I can't do algebra if I don't have any food at home. I can't do algebra if I'm playing defense because dad gets drunk and beats the crap out of all of us. And I'd rather him hit me than mom and little sister. Right. And so I think the middle is this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Something as simple as everyday school starts and for two minutes, 120 seconds, kids write in a folder. My wife actually taught me this from her college students. They write in a folder. How's home? How's school? How's you? Something simple like that. And obviously it needs to be age appropriate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But what you'll find is, and here's the annoying part because you don't have any more space in your life. You respond to every one of them. Yeah. Right. Even if it's as simple as you're a blessing. Thank you for sharing. I see you. I got your back. I'm watching you change in front of me. It's amazing. Right. Like what happens is it's boring. It's boring. It's boring. It's boring.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And then you open one of those folders up and it's like, my, my granddad just died. And you never would have known it. You just would have seen that kid pull their hoodie over and put their headphones in and you would have yelled at them to get their headphones out and they would have thrown their phone and it would have been a whole thing. Yeah. And then the other side of that is
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
When you've shown up and shown up and shown up and shown up and shown up. And by the way, the writing a thing right before class, that's a little thing. I mean, that may not be appropriate for your school. So I'm just thinking of any number of intervention strategies that somebody can implement with the main goal being, I see you. And I know you're a whole person outside of this classroom. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
You step out in the hallway with somebody and if they're smaller than you, you take a knee. And if they're not, you look them in the eye and you say, I'm so sorry. You feel safe to give me a hug. And then you look at them before you head back in and you say, hey, you can't have those in there. You know that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And they laugh or they cry and they take their headphones out and they put them in because they're held to a standard. But I don't think you can have accountability outside of relationship. I agree. And then here's the suckiest part. You have to have a very ironclad plan, you and your wife. to deal with the amount of secondary trauma that all teachers hold on a daily basis.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Because no person was designed to carry that much pain. What those kids are bringing into your classroom every day. Yeah. Yeah. So what does that look like? Everybody does it differently. Some people walk. Some people go lift weights. Some people go to a therapist. Some people go to church. Some people do all of those things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So underneath that, I hear somebody saying, hey, I want to add some life to our life. And he says, no, I'm good. Where are other places in his life where you see him, for lack of better terms, I don't want to over-dramatize, I don't want to connect these too closely, but where he's dying in his own skin? He comes home and he just drops his backpack down and he grabs a drink and sits on the couch.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Some people get home and they put their phone away and them and their spouse just go for a walk. No talking. Give me an example of what some of the things your kids are going through.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
What up? What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. Glad that you are with us. Saving minds and saving... We're not saving anything. We're just trying to figure out what's the next right move for people who are struggling and hurting all over the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
We, we referred her to, you know, we got her the help we needed, but she needed, but I mean, it's an amazing testament to your ability as a teacher, but, but deeper than that, just your ability to be a guy that kids can feel that I trust that guy. He cares about me. He wants me to be okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
It does, it does, it does. So if you've ever listened to this show, you know, I'm always telling people to write letters. I was just a dumb 21 year old, 22 year old. That was the very first time I ever enacted that was when I had a class full of high school kids and one of their classmates died by suicide. And it was horrific. And I passed out papers to everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And I said, everybody, I want you to write him a letter. And I read all of them. And it was one of the most important shape shifts for me. And it changed the tenor of my classroom. Because I commented on them. I talked to folks. There was two or three of the kids that were really personally struggling deeply. And so we could connect them to counselors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But I remember it being a really important connection point. Because they're never going to raise their hand in front of their classmates and say certain things. But they will write it down. And I was a goofy – I was a goofball teacher anyway. But being a goofball, I'd built a relationship with them over the course of a year. So when that moment came, we were checked in. That makes sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
There's some research about the kinetic importance of writing that when you lose the connection between your head and your hand, it changes things. I'm not smart enough to tell you yay or nay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I think there's something important that says, I think this is a life lesson that we are communicating at the 30,000 foot level, high school kids, middle school kids, elementary school kids, and college students, that there is a life before and after this class. Take two minutes and exhale and check in with yourself where you are. And so I don't think that can be done with a screen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
It's too distracting. It's designed for the exact opposite sensation than that, what I'm trying to get from them. Yeah. And so I think there's something powerful about all screens down, all phones over, pull out your folder. And my wife did this awesome thing too with her college students that I stole and did it with my college students. I did it even with my doctoral students.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
in that same folder at the end of the class day, she had three columns on the page and the students had to grade themselves. I think it was one to five on a Likert scale. Like, how was your participation today? How was my class? And how would you, what's one thing you learned today? And I'd go through and initial them just to let them know I saw it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But it was amazing to me how many students would honestly represent, like they would score themselves. Like I gave myself a two today. I didn't even read the assignment coming in. I'm sorry, I'll be on it next time. But just knowing that people were cared enough to ask changed the dynamic of the classroom. And occasionally I would learn something. I came unprepared today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
My mom's in the cancer ward and I went to see her last night. I didn't get home till late. Man, now I can check in after class, shoot an email to them, let them know, hey, I'm going to extend your deadline this weekend. You don't even have to ask. I could do some things around grades and connectivity and things like that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But it was amazing would just write me a couple of lines and letting them know week after week that I'm checking in on it, what that will do. Sometimes it's just initial. Tell them, if I initial it, great. That means I saw it and I love you and I care about you. I like it. It's going to be a lot of folders. Bro, so many folders.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Or he goes outside and he's like, hey, and then he goes in the bathroom for 30 minutes and scrolls on his phone. Like, is that the case? Do you watch the guy that you married slowly, I don't know, losing life force, if you will?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
The other thing that I like about the folder, and again, there's a thousand intervention strategies. This is just one of a thousand. One thing I loved about it was they also got to decorate it how they liked it. And people would put crazy stickers on them, write sayings on them. I would encourage that, especially at the beginning of a semester. Bring whatever your wild self to this thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
There'd be hunting stickers and deer stickers and like metal stickers and whatever. Like bring it and decorate it up. Don't do anything inappropriate, obviously, but decorate it up. And that was a cool way I got to know these students right away. Like, oh, I know I was you growing up or I knew a guy like you. And that's pretty cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And this guy's going to be just a box of turds, and I can't wait to get to know him because he's going to be fun, right? But whatever it is. So I think it's, at the end of the day, how can, in the context with which I live, how can I develop relationships and respectfully and with compassion hold the accountability line? As often as I can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
There is moments when it's like, hey, I need you to step out of class. You can listen to your headphones out there. I know your world just blew up. That's very, very, very rare. But if you go too far on the, it's okay, honey. I'm just going to pat you on the head. You don't have to do anything. Kids know that we believe, oh, you're not enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
The other side of it is like, keep going and just whacking them with the old three-foot ruler. Regardless of what's going on in their life, just lacks compassion. And students will sing and dance for you. And then they will cut you out of their lives forever. And I don't want them being in a place where they learn to hate learning. All right, I want to tell you about my favorite cozy earth.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
We're just into the new year. And for the past month, my sleep was all screwed up. I was spending more and more time on screens than I normally do. I was traveling all over. I felt out of place. And here's the deal. Starting the year off right starts with good sleep, and that means creating a space that helps you actually rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Their bedding is amazing. It's soft and breathable, and it keeps me and my family cool and comfortable all night long. My wife sleeps in these Cozy Earth long-sleeve bamboo pajama sets. She loves them. And we all love the bath linens and the best towels in the world. And I've really fallen in love with these Cityscape hoodies. So let's do a restart. Let's put down our phones this new year.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Let's set regular bedtimes and actually stick to them. And let's get comfortable whenever possible and invest in our sleep, all of this with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering up to a 40% off discount code exclusively for Dr. John Deloney Show listeners.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. All right, we are back. And don't forget, you can go over to the Ramsey Network app where the show is hosted and you can download the Ramsey Network app and you can get this show a week early. It comes out on YouTube. Subscribe, do all that kind of stuff. And it comes out on podcast. What do you say when it comes to podcasts?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Subscribe to podcasts, is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I don't know, thumbs up. But on the app, you just... Yeah, but if you're on the app, it just comes out straight on the app and you can get it a week early. And there's an episode of United States of Anxiety where I... Flew to Connecticut and met with somebody. She was awesome, and we walked with her for 90 days. It was pretty rad. So you can check that out, too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
So go check out the Ramsey Network app. Happy birthday, Ben. Make good choices. Thank you. No guarantees. As the lead singer of Dump Band would appropriately say. And Kelly, happy Thanksgiving. Hope it all works out for you. I can imagine you being one of two things. A bundle of joy at Thanksgiving... Or, good God, let's go outside and throw the football. I'm joyful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I can see you coming unhinged and having it be a great hang at Thanksgiving.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Anytime somebody says two superlatives about themselves, I'm great. Fantastic. Wonderful. Like Tommy Boy. Good. Great. Grand. That means they're lying. Best of luck to you, Robert's family. Holidays are here in Kelly's Cup. We'll see you soon. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Has he never gotten excitement? Not really. Okay. Because whenever – I always want to look at trend lines. Are you seeing him become something over time that is starting to make you go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want a different kind of life. Or is this the person you've known, always been with, and you realize, okay, I want to recreate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I want to not recreate, but I want to rebuild our relationship into something new. Will you come with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Okay. That starts with you being honest. And I think the honesty is... I mean, that's hard to say, like, hey, I want to try some new things in the bedroom. And especially, depending on what culture you're in, that can be really vulnerable for a woman to say that and then to be turned down, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Because you're trained your whole life, all guys want is sex all the time, and it has to be crazy and what... And so then you find yourself like... am I the only woman I know? Like, I want to do this all the time. I want to do it every day. I want to do it in different rooms. I want to like, I want more and more and more. And you begin to ask yourself what's wrong with you. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Okay. So let me ask you that same question. Where, where, where are you finding yourself dying in your own skin? How long have you been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Okay. So do you have this moment where it's sinking in like, oh, this is my life? Or do you just want wild silence?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
This show is about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your dating relationships, whatever you got. And I'm grateful that you reach out. People call from all over and they are... brave and they're honest and I'm super grateful. You want to be on the show? Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and what's up Kelly? We have a special
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Yes. Like you have put your finger on the pulse of, I think, I mean, 95% of North America right there. Like so much of our life is bills, going to work, getting kids to soccer, getting kids to school and whatever. And we shut the door. We have our own hour and a half just to... play, become somebody that we don't have to be all the time. Try things, laugh, get awkward, like whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And it can be gut-wrenching when your partner says, nah, I don't want to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But that means you have to be honest. Talk about the thing beneath the thing, which is you're not a guy who gets excited about much. I get that. I'm suffocating in the world that we have co-created together. Will you build something new with me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And I know that his first impulse would not be to have sex on the kitchen table or just to walk in when the kids are gone and rip his shirt off and like show some initiative, right? That wouldn't be his first impulse. But the question is, would you do that for me? And if he looks at you and says, no, I won't, then that's the deeper conversation. Because that is not just about sex.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
That's about playfulness, life. That's about a marriage that is going through the motions. And the bedroom is just like, it's just the alarm bell, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Or are there baby steps? So maybe there's not pull over on the side of the road, but when the kids are in bed, we'll be a little bit risky and we'll go downstairs and have sex in the car in the garage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But for you, that's part of the spice, right? That's part of the like, yeah, we could get caught like the old days. Like when we used to make out, we could get caught, right? And like that's part of the feeling alive again. I guess what I would tell you is I'm worried about the trajectory. And here's why I'm worried about the trajectory of your marriage. What you did was a pretty vulnerable thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And I'm not saying that, and this goes both ways, both genders, right? So normally, and I'm inside of a bell curve here, although this is shifting radically right under our noses. historically speaking, it's the guys who are like, I just want to try some cool stuff. I want to try new things. And she won't, she won't, she won't, she won't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Um, we're seeing it more and more and more and more where women are like, dude, I just want, like, it's my husband that won't have sex with me over. And I'm hearing that over and over again, whether it's HRT, I mean, whether it's a hormone replacement and testosterone, who knows what it is. But, um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
you did something pretty vulnerable, which is you sat down with the person that you said, I'm with you forever. Here's what I need. And he said, no. And not only did he say no, he said, I'm not even going to entertain it. Meaning I get, if you were like, I want you to dress up like a cop and come bang on the door and scare the kids. Like I get him being like, man, I'm not comfortable with that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
My fear is you're going to run into somebody at an afterschool event or dropping your daughter off. And you're going to get the sense right away that, Oh, this person's adventurous, a little bit flirty. And that's when you answer the text and that's right. So you head down a road, man, which I hope you don't do. I hope you have the integrity not to do that, but man, it just sets a table for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
But also y'all made kids. But I can't wrap my head around this just uncomfortable to talk about. Y'all made humans. You made kids. You built a life together. And to have a thing that we can't talk about or feels unsafe to talk about, I think that's the pulse. That's where I want y'all to go get with a marriage counselor and go talk about that. Because here's the question you begin to ask yourself.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Beneath the, why doesn't he find me attractive? Or why won't he try these things that I would love to try in the bedroom? Beneath that, it is, what is it about me that makes him feel like he can't talk to me about stuff? And that's deeply intimate. That's identity, right? Why is there secrets that he can't tell me or won't tell me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And for him just to say, for anybody just to say, eh, that's just weird. I don't want to talk about it. You've been married 17 years. Y'all been together two decades. I just don't buy that excuse. Obviously, don't do things you don't feel safe and comfortable with in the bedroom. Get that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Obviously, every long arc of a relationship, people are going to try stuff that initially they're like, I don't even know how this is possible, but okay. That's every relationship. And you have to find that balance. And it's a balance of this is too far uncomfortable for me or this is way out of my comfort zone, but you and I have come up with a safety plan and we're going to make this. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
All right. All right. I'm in. Every couple navigates that. Everyone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And I would even go as far to say is not, no one is ever 1000% like, Oh yeah. Everyone's super a hundred percent in like, right. You're co-creating a thing together. What I would say that I find distressing here is the lack of willingness to talk about it. It's just a shutdown.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And that to me, that's a, that's a fear of intimacy. That's a fear of if she truly knows me, if she, if she knows how little I know or how scared I am, or if she truly knows me, she gonna leave. If she truly knows me and, and it wouldn't surprise me if he comes from a highly performative childhood.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Like you will sing and dance, and if you sing and dance incorrectly, and you don't make mom and dad look great, then you pay a price for it. And so you learn over time, I don't do hard things. I'm doing uncomfortable things. I shut this system down. I'm off. I'm out. And when you decide to do life with somebody, you decide...
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
I'm going to gently and safely, if it's okay for both of us, if it's safe for both of us, we're going to open these cans back up because that's the only way you don't starve the other person for affection. And for everybody listening, this call starts with, I want to do more adventurous things in the bedroom. We're the only one we're ever going to have. Let's try some wild things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
Let's have some fun. Let's like, I love your words. Let's be playful. Let's elevate the boringness and let's have some fun. But that's a symptom of a bigger conversation, which is I don't talk about money. Hey, I need you more present. I'm doing the best I can. Hey, would you ever be interested in trying this in the bedroom? I don't talk about that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
And that's what drowns relationships. The actual acts that happen in the bedroom is a it's just a. It's blinking lights on an alarm, right? They're traffic lights of are we both flying down the road together, arm in arm, built something new, built something rad, no brakes, all gas pedals together. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, good folks, listen, we all have stories.
The Dr. John Delony Show
My Husband Won’t Try New Things in Bed
We have the family and cultural stories that we were born into. We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves. We've got the stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write about our futures, and they're all powerful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I know, but I don't have a humongous star tattooed right at the base of my neck. So I can change. I did almost get a Houston Astros H one time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Spring is here, and that means the darkness and the cold are finally lifting, and we can get back into the swing of things. Spring break, summer plans, I feel like I'm coming back to life. So let's reset. Most of us have blown our resolutions. So let's reset. Let's make today day one for a new great year. Top of the list of a reset, great sleep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Great sleep is the foundation for everything in our lives. And this is where my friends at Helix Mattresses come in. I've slept on everything, cheap mattresses, bad hotel mattresses, hunting camp sleep pads, overpriced mattresses, you name it. But when I switched to my Helix mattress, everything changed.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I now fall asleep faster, I sleep deeper, and I wake up feeling rested, restored, and ready to go. And because every person is different, Helix has a mattress designed just for you. Side sleeper, back sleeper, you sleep hot, your spine needs a little extra care, whatever it is, Helix has you covered. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I did it, and it takes less than two minutes, and it will help you find the perfect mattress. And Helix gives you 100 nights to try it all out risk-free. And right now, my audience gets 27% off site-wide plus a free bedding bundle with any Lux or Elite mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney right now. And if you get a post-purchase survey, tell them you heard about it on this show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney. Go right now. helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. Now. I have been loving red light therapy and EMF blocking gear for years. And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about my new partner, Bon Charge.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights in front of little bitty screens that we carry around with us, medium-sized screens, giant screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bon Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with your sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat all of the time. And listen up. If your skin looks tired, I want you to check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. Super easy. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless and it can change everything. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. All right, we're back. Don't forget Kansas City tonight. Come out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I will tattoo Nashville Stars on my chest. I'll copy yours when you have. Old English, everything. It'll be rad. Nashville, let's do this. Nashville Stars, come on. Let's make it happen. Let's make it happen. All right, let's go out to Hoboken, New Jersey and talk to Marcus. What up, Marcus?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
You guys need some redemption, Kansas City. Y'all need some redemption. Tonight we're going to do it. As I'm reading this ad, I'm reading this ad a few weeks early, I think it's pretty close to sold out. We're getting close on Kansas City. So if there's tickets available, come see us. It's going to be wheels off. Me and my buddy Dave Ramsey, the Money Relationships Tour, cannot wait.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I love, love, love Kansas City, even though y'all let the Eagles win. I love, love Kansas City, and we're going to make it right tonight. Come check it out. All right, let's go to Akron, Ohio and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up, Jane?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I've got tons of problems. What's your problems? Let them rip. Let them rip, Jane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I'll trust you and honor the story. Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Why? Did she say why? Hold on. Let's let her know the story. Why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
No, no, no. Trust me. I've heard wild stories in my life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Let's just pause right there. Okay. Let's just pause right there. Exhale for me. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Now listen, um, that's bonkers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And even when another adult, especially somebody who's like a parent, a parent, a beloved one or a teacher or a coach, um, They can say stuff and do stuff that's bananas. I don't know how or why, there's still this nagging voice inside of us that's like, are they right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And so sometimes one of the most gracious things I can offer somebody, any of us can offer each other, is just to look at somebody. And so I can't see you, but I'm hearing you. Jane, you're not crazy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I know you do. I know you do. When this stuff happened, did your husband immediately intervene on your behalf?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So, so let me just, let me cut through all of this and just put this on the table. Unless your mother-in-law has called, preferably with your father-in-law by her side, and said, hey, my 22-year-old man, I looked at him like he was a little boy, and you were taking my little boy, and I went bananas. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
You didn't deserve that. I was crazy. I'm sorry. That won't happen again. I'm glad y'all are married. I'm glad y'all are working it out and figuring it out. And short of that, Jane, I rarely say this. Y'all, she's out. No one, my mom, my dad, whoever included, is going to verbally assault my wife and hit me in the face. I'm not going to stick around for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And unless you come back to the table with, I was way out of line. I was wrong. Here's how this is not going to happen again. There's just some lines that you draw on the sand. Because here's what most of the time I hear this story. I'm going to lay a few things out. You tell me if I'm way out to lunch or if I'm right. You mentioned one of them. This is just how he grew up. This is normal to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And so you find yourself almost in a reparenting role with your own husband saying, hey, you can't do that. And he's like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it takes a minute. And God bless you for staying with him and y'all figuring this thing out together. But most of the time, there's a long lull. And then mom or dad just picks up the phone and kind of jumps back in as though nothing ever happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Somebody gets pregnant and suddenly, oh, they're back in. Or somebody gets a new job and starts to move and it's like, oh, is any of that happening?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
There you go. Okay, so now they want back in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Is his dad like that too? Or is his dad just beaten down and goes along with whatever she says? Correct.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
What a coward. Yeah. What an absolute coward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Not my story. Not my story. Not there. Okay. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay, but what is it about, why won't you accept that for the period at the end of the sentence that it is?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
You didn't. They gave you up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Stop chasing them. It's not easy, but it's simple. You guys got to stop chasing them. They're telling you over and over, we don't want a relationship with you. So much so that we will assault you, we'll scream at you, we'll lie about you. We don't want to be in relationship with you. You being two independent thinkers, two independent people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
We do want you in relationship with us when we can control you and you do what we say and you make us feel good by all of your actions bowing to what we want. Then they want you in relationship. They do not want an independent couple. They don't want to be relationship. I mean, she got up and left and said, I don't want to be in a relationship with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And I also get, that's not how it's supposed to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And nobody is, there's nothing can get in the way of your grandkids. Here we are. Yeah. And their own ego or her like mental health disorder or her emotional challenges or your father-in-law's spinelessness. That he hasn't looked at her and said, hey, you cannot hang out with him. I will go see my grandbaby and I will be nice to my son's wife. It will cost you when you get home. Fine.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I'm not giving this up. He could do that, but he's choosing not to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And so I think there's this idea like we got to live in reality. This is where we are. Has your baby been born?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay. Can you do me a huge, huge favor here? I know this is crazy. Can you not try to solve their problem right now? This is too special of a moment for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So here's an exercise that I'm stealing from Terry Real, okay? One of the great psychotherapists of my time. I want you to get a picture of your mother-in-law. And I want you to put her at the kitchen table with you when you all have dinner. And then when you're talking about the pregnancy, you're talking about what we're going to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I want you to look over at that framed picture and go, what do you think? Because we like having you with a seat at the table. And then y'all will both go, oh God. And you'll flip it. You'll immediately flip it over. But that's the entry to the practice of
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Instead of trying to figure out what's the new right way I can say this or what's the new way I can tiptoe into the living room, what's the new way I can – it's not about you. She isn't well. And so for the first time – are your parents in the picture? Sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Amazing. So let's exhale. Let's grieve with your husband. Can we just put it out there, sit on the front porch, look out into the stars and just be like, I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And let's be really, really grateful that we're fortunate and privileged to have your parents in the game, rocking and rolling, doing their part, loving you guys, supporting y'all. It's the best first-time grandparents can do, right? You know what I mean? And let's spend the last month just absorbed in each other and the madness and excitement that we're bringing a new baby home.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Not by your hand, but in your lap. Here it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Let's be sad for a bit. Write an imaginary letter to your mother-in-law. God help you don't send it. Have your husband write one to his mom and y'all read them to each other. Let's have a miniature little ceremony in our living room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
This is the last day they get a seat at our kitchen table because they're taking the joy out of what should be one of the most exciting, scary, terrifying, fun, joyful moments of our life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Real quick. I'm up against the clock. Go for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Because they will poison the whole... We just feel like we've lost that entire side, you know? You have. They took it from you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And your husband has spent his whole life trying to solve his mom's issues. And his dad's cowardice. And if aunts and uncles are amazing and awesome and don't carry your mom's same challenges and they want to meet you guys, that's awesome. Cool. Great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
But if she won't even have more than a five-minute conversation with her pregnant daughter-in-law and her son who's about to be a first-time dad without screaming and yelling and stomping off, it's just going to blow those events up too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Yeah, exhale on that one. I know that wasn't easy. What in the world's going on? This is John with Dr. John Deloney's show, Taking Your Calls. Real people calling from all over the planet, talking about your relationships, your marriage, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Or you don't know the poison she's putting in the well, talking about to all the cousins and her brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles or whatever's on the side of the family. Oh my gosh, you don't know her. You have no idea. I'm opting out. I love you guys. Cousins, if you want to come visit the baby, you're welcome to. You're welcome to come. I'd love to have you here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Y'all can come here to us. That'd be great. We'll send photos. And we're not going to cut people off. I'll send photos. That's great. I'll send a monthly newsletter. I'll do all that. That's fantastic. I'm not going to drive over there. It's just not a safe place for us. She hit me in the face. She called me a blankety blank blank. Called my wife a blankety blank blank blank.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Yeah, we're not coming there. She screamed and made a spectacle in a public place. Called us liars and walked away from her own kid. I'm not going to do that. That's cool. I've already grieved that at my house. As for me and my house, we're going to seek peace. We're going to be sad that it's not with the people we thought were going to be with us, but they opted out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And so we're going to control what we can control, and that is peace in our home. And that means my side of the family is awesome. And if there's some great cousins or whatnot, cool. But you guys are still trying to find a way. What's a way we can kind of be around them, but also they're telling you over and over again, we don't want to be in relationship with you, period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Let's be really sad and grieve that. Let's not find another angle to try to make. They've told you over and over and over again. And for whatever it's worth, I'm really, really sorry that happened. Coming up next, we're going to talk to a family trying to figure out how to navigate, how to approach a very, very sensitive topic with their oldest son. We'll be right back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And we can pretend that our personal information isn't being taken and sold to scumbags on the internet, but pretending it's not real doesn't make it true. The truth is the digital world is the wild west, and it's a place where your information is bought and sold and stolen most of the time without you ever even knowing. Think about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
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The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Stop scammers and spammers before the problems start and take back control with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. Chattanooga, Tennessee. Let's talk to Alex. What's up, Alex?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Rocking on to the break. Dawn, what are you up to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
How old was your son? How old was he?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Did he sign over full custody? He's out, out, out?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Yeah, take your time. You're good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Hey, um, I appreciate you being honest. Okay. That's not an easy thing to do, to just call some strange dude and just lay it out like that. So I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah, exhale on that one. I know that wasn't easy. It wasn't at all. I know. I know. Exhale one more time. How many times before you got married did you tell yourself you're never going to be that guy that cheats on his wife?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Yeah. I, I right now he's six. You said Say that one more time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay. The burden of that story is squarely on your shoulders. It's not on him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay. The angst you feel starting to kind of well up is in your chest, not in his yet. Okay. Does he know that his... That you made him with another guy, and that guy made some really bad choices?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So... You would probably, not always, but probably be astonished with what he does and doesn't know.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay? It's just, it's amazing to me how kids pick stuff up. And they pick up glances and eyebrows. Like, they're just, that's what they do, right? They're very attuned. And that also means you had a pretty stressful pregnancy, fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So... He bathed in that, if that makes sense.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay? Like, he lived inside of a very stressful situation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay? So, as you begin to have the body parts talk and the mommy parts and the daddy parts, like, as you begin to have that conversation... I'll give you a couple of like guidelines on, here's a couple of lines just to have in your pocket. Here's a couple of, I would call them principles, just like some guiding principles. Okay. That will navigate this, but let me like rest in peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Six is way too early for this conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So I actually got a heads up on just kind of like a high level of what your call was about. And I called two different amazing Dr. Lynn Jennings and Dr. Michael Gomez, two very accomplished, accomplished. Both of them are mentors of mine, but very accomplished psychologists and therapists, respectively, who work with
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I mean, in this situation over and over and over again, this is what they dedicate their life to. And so both of them gave me very similar, like very, like just right down the, down the line. Here's some very clear things about how you can just walk through this process with your head held high. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So before we get going, if I tell you something, say, I promise I'll believe you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
By the way, that's ridiculous. You've done a pretty remarkable, amazing job with this little one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And I want you to know that he doesn't carry that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay. He will at some point. I don't want to lie to you. When he's 12, it's going to be tough. But right now, he doesn't carry that. Is he so excited to be a big brother?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
One gift you can give him, and I learned this from an old counseling professor of mine. She was amazing. Call them his kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Or use his brother and sister. Like, hey, you're a brother and sister. And it gives a six-year-old, especially an untethered six-year-old like he is sometimes, it gives them the greatest gift in the world, which is purpose, autonomy, and ownership.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Okay. So that's just a, that's just, that's not what you called, but that's just a thing like, hey, these are your brother and sister. Do you know what you are? A big brother. Yeah. And amazing. Amazing. Okay. So when the conversation comes up, when he one day says, But who put the baby in you, mommy, when he asked that question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
You say, another man did. Where is he? He made some bad choices. And so he doesn't get to see us anymore. And really quickly, if your husband is there, your son's adoptive father, this amazing guy, if he's there, great. If he's not, great. But here's a remarkable line that Dr. Jennings gave me that I love it and I will repeat it a thousand times. You ready for this line?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
When your husband takes a knee in front of this little boy and says, I wasn't there, I wasn't a part of making you, but I got here as fast as I could. And then the exhale. Whew. And then you hug him and say, I got to you as fast as I could. Because you're my son. And that's a conversation for a six-year-old, an eight-year-old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Things get more complex when they're nine and 10, but you're probably in the range of 16, 17, 18. Sometimes you have a sophisticated 14 or 15-year-old. Sometimes it's a little bit slower, but you're getting older when you get into... All right, we need to go out and have a hard conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And by the way, even then, there may come a time when... I mean, think about it this way. Think about if your twins came to you and said, hey... When you walk me through the night, you and dad rocked it onto the break of dawn and got pregnant. Like, you're not going to do that, right? You'd be like, shut up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And so similarly, just because it was a tragic circumstance, we're still not going to walk through step by step by step.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
But there may come, there will come a time when you sit down and say, your dad made some bad choices. I know, I know. You always say he's bad choices. What does that even mean? All right, when I'm ready, I'm going to have this, I'll tell you. And we're going to go out and we're going to sit somewhere in a corner booth somewhere and I'm going to tell you what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And this can be a harder conversation. And I would strongly recommend as you enter into that world, you sit with a counselor. And what I would say is you're going to rehearse that one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Just to make sure I've got a couple of clear statements, but you're, I mean, you're talking several years from now. Here's the magic important part. Okay. When your kid is six, seven, eight, nine, and 10, the shorter the conversation, the better.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Most adults want to have big, too long hour conversations, unpacking what happened and why. And oh my gosh, I'm so grateful you're here. I'm going to tell you the details, but I want you to know your report. He made some bad choices. And so he got in trouble and he's not allowed to come here anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And your daddy wasn't a part of making you, but he got here as fast as he could because he could not wait to be your daddy. Big hug. Conversation's over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And if you have an astute six-year-old or seven-year-old like I did, he may ask a couple of follow-up questions. Awesome. But I'm going to let him ask the next follow-up questions. What did he do? Oh, he did some grown-up stuff. We'll talk about it one day when you're older. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Now here's the big magic moment here that I need you to metabolize, okay? You're going to want to get, I hate to use this language, but hopefully you know what I mean. It's not perfect language, but you're going to want to get this out in an effort to be, quote unquote, as transparent and honest as you can with this kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
But if we're really honest, what we want is you want to get this out And I kind of want you to carry this now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And I want you to never put that on him because it's not his to carry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Here's where this, go ahead, go ahead. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
You're good. This will get hard. And this is me just being as honest as I can. I know we don't have a lot of time. I normally wouldn't tell you this in the first session. Okay. I would tell you later, but this will get hard. As he starts to look like that guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And did you date this guy? Was it a one night stand? Was it an out of the blue?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
No, no, no. Your question is so great. And I'm going to give you the words of Dr. Jennings, and I love this. When they're young, always tell the truth and tell them something they can hear that they can actually digest, right? Because a six-year-old is not going to understand what rape and assault is. right? Doesn't even know the body parts yet. Like didn't even know how that works yet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So they're not going to know that. And, and, and it would be overwhelming for a six year old to just be so like, there was a really violent interaction. And right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So here's, here's the magic line that Dr. Jennings gave me that I love. Start with a story that you can always build on. And that's it. I don't know. That sounds simple, but the secret is not telling anybody anything, not telling him you're no, you weren't adopted. You're one of us. That will fester. Yeah. No, your bio dad was amazing. He went off to sea, and we never saw him again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So what I would tell you is even if you weren't ready to get married, you did, right? Yes. So there we are. So we're here. How long have you been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
That will fester. That will fester, right? Yeah, for sure. Daddy made some bad choices, so he got in trouble. Then two years later, yeah, dad made some choices. He broke the law, had to go to jail, or he broke the law. You got all of the best, best parts of him. But he made some real bad choices and got in big trouble. Then two or three years later, he had to go to jail.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Like, well, no, I didn't press charges. What did he do to you? It was pretty tough. It was real tough stuff. It was a bad deal. What is it? It was a bad deal. I'm not comfortable talking about it with you yet. I'm going to wait until you get a little bit older. You see how we're always building on this story? We've never lied.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
We never kept secrets, but we're not just going to dump the whole thing because a six-year-old, a 14-year-old can't carry that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And here's where some external language in other areas. Right now, just y'all continue to use the line over and over and over. My job is to keep you safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
That's just a line, always. And then, like, I've told my son that since he was zero. Told my daughter that since she was zero. They rolled their eyes out of the back of their heads and repeated after me. But then when my son was like, Dad, I want Snapchat. I said, hey, what's my one job? Oh, God, keep me safe. Okay. Well, when you were a kid, it was not falling off a ladder.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Now it is not letting predators come into your house, our house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And so when you sit down and he's 15 or he's 17, he's like, why didn't you ever tell me that? I have one job. What was my one job? Oh, are you serious? Keep me safe? Yes, keep you safe. That's too much for a night. And you see what I'm saying? You've laid the groundwork now that these other people
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Other principles that we have for raising you guys is we're always going to tell you the truth, but we're also not going to just bury you in details. It's not for you. And by the way, you can tell a 17-year-old, a 22-year-old, I made a call. Are you serious? You didn't put him in jail? I made a choice when I was 22. You're going to go judge her? Like parents are allowed to do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
What did you tell me until I was 17? Because I made a choice. And that's sometimes enough. That's often enough. But we're going to tell a story that we can always build on. I wasn't a part of making you, but I got to you as fast as I could because you're my son. And you got the very, very best parts. Your daddy. And he did some bad stuff, so he got in trouble and can't see us anymore.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Yeah, it's a bummer. And we're going to start there. And they probably will never, ever need the nitty gritty. There'll probably never be a day when you sit down with this grown man and say, he put something in my drink. Maybe. Not for real. That's way down the road. Right now, he just needs to know minute by minute, you're my son. I love you. To the end of the earth and back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Why did it take six years for y'all to get married? How are you still not ready even after six years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
To the moon and back. Thank you for the call, Alex. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, we're back. Hey, Kelly, what if we just like called it? What if we're just like, you know what? You look beautiful today. Ben, you look great. Kelly, number two. Awesome. Andrew, you look great. What if we just called it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I'm fried right in the middle. It's all good.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
I said that as weird as I... God, it's so awkward.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Everybody, love you guys. Back in the booth. Everybody listen to the show. Go outside, see the sunlight. Be kind to each other. Love y'all. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And do you get how accidentally your wife just became a tool in your toolkit that you were using to build this big fancy picture for the outside world? Look how great Marcus is. I see it. I see it. And I would tell her if she was on the phone, yeah, but you married him anyway, right? She played a part. She went along.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
She went with you for six years waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. She didn't turn you down when you wanted to make a big spectacle either, right? No. Yeah. So it's not like she's absolved of this. This is just the world y'all co-created where we're going to walk around with this big film projector that enters into the room before the real us ever shows up.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And you get so focused on what's on that film projector that you forget to deal with the inside. And that is, I'm looking at another woman saying, ride or die till death do us part. I will stand in front of the bullet and you will be by my side and I'll be by yours. Come what come, I will be right here. And it's easy to get distracted when you're focusing on that image, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. That's D-E-L-J-O-H-N-D-E-L-O-N-Y dot com slash ask. A-S-K. Fill out the form. Let us know what's going on, and we'd love to get you on the show. A couple of things. I'm drinking this drink, this liquid death. The show's not sponsored by it. I just like it. But here's what I'm really excited about. My new shirt.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Instead of dealing with reality. Right. So, I guess here's like to drill all the way down. Man, you're like a guy I would love to spend just a long time just talking to. And just like hear the whole story. Because I know there's some depth to it. And you sound like a guy who's, man... You've probably done a lot of work over the last year, haven't you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Do you... want to be married and build a life with this singular one woman? Or are you working really hard to not be the guy that failed in his marriage?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
That has happened. All right. So you're trying to prevent a fire that's already happened. You're walking around in a house that's burned to the ground and you're standing in the ash and you're looking for the fire extinguisher. It's already happened. If you're worried about hurting her, she saw you having sex with another woman. That's happened. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
She waited six years for you to say, all right, finally, I do. She's already been there. The only way you come back from that level of, and there's infidelity in layers, and often the challenge with someone who's struggled, who's got cheated on, if you will, is the imagination of their partner with somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And honestly, in a strange way, that makes it worse. Absolutely. Because she doesn't know what else you're going to do and forget. If you were able to say, okay, I've been telling you for a year, I don't remember. I do. I do. I do. I did. That is, in a strange way, is more comforting than I sometimes drink something, smoke something, snort something, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Somebody puts something in my drink, whatever happens. There are places I go and I don't even remember what happened. I can burn our marriage to the ground and just be like, I don't even remember it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
None of that matters. if you want to take a knee in front of this woman, not so that you can save face, not so that you don't have to go back to your family or look at your mama in the eyes or look at your community or look at your dad shaking his head at you like he may have done your whole life. Like, not for all that. But you look at her and say, I want to rebuild a life with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
What can I do today To make you feel loved. Because here's what she is feeling, I'd be willing to bet. And she's not on the phone, so I'm just projecting into her mind. But I'd be willing to bet she sees you doing so much amazing work on you. And she sees you doing so much stuff for you. And you're still concerned what people in the outside world are going to think about you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Rumor has it, rumor has it, that Nashville is getting a Major League Baseball team. My Astros have traded away everybody. It's happening, Nashville. Let's get a baseball team. And I can finally let it go. Just like, is it Ariel? Is she the one? Elsa. Elsa. I don't know. I'm tired. I'm done. I gotta be done. I haven't lived in Houston for a long time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And what I just imagine, I got a nine-year-old little girl. I just imagine her, my daughter, standing in the middle of my living room saying, but daddy, I'm right here. Wow. And I'm imagining your wife, and I know it's father-daughter. I made it weird just then.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
But your wife is standing in the middle of your house and saying, I see you roofing the house and painting the house and changing the carpet. I am right here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
The honorable thing, if you don't want to be married to her, tell her. And live in the aftermath. But there is not an amount of work you can do on you that's going to suddenly make her feel more beautiful to you. And there's not an amount of counseling and insight and dealing with family trauma and money you can make.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
None of that is going to make you get up and make her coffee in the morning because you love her. And make you throw your phone away and have no social media because you don't care what the outside world thinks because I got her. Right. And even if you don't feel that, you can work towards that. Those feelings come and go. Man, I've been married for a quarter century. It's part of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
They come and they go. That's where the discipline of just doing the next right thing is. It's kind of like exercise. Like, there's a day I don't want to lift, but you just do it because that's what you're going to do that day. Right. But if you're out on her, man, what I would tell you is you've done all this work. Be a person of high integrity and tell her I'm out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
If you're in, then you take a knee in front of your wife and say, tell me what I need to do. What will make you feel safe in your own home? We've been together for a year. And I would tell her, you can't weaponize sex. If you say, I'm going to stay, sex and intimacy is part of a marriage. And it might take time and it might take healing and it might take a bunch of stops and starts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
But retribution for a year or two years or five years, starving your partner sexually because you did this one thing, that's not going to work in a marriage either. That's about power, right? Right. But if she is telling you, I still don't feel safe in this marriage, there's no way I'm going to sleep with you again. Right? Only you know that. Only she knows that, right? I'm speculating here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
So let me ask you, do you want to be married to her? I do, yes. Are you willing to sacrifice your reputation and your ego and some egg on your face for a while to take your knee in front of your wife and say, I love you? And how can I love you today?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
Tonight you sit down with your wife and you clear the table and you have nothing between the two of you. And I want you to tell your wife, the last year I've worked really hard. I've gone to a lot of therapy. I've seen a psychiatrist. I've done this. I've done coaching. And I've done this for me. And starting today, everything about my marriage will be waking up and saying, how can I love you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
And all I'm going to ask you, sweetheart, is you begin to do the same for me. Right. And listen, man, that's the only way it works.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Had an Affair in the First Year of Marriage
No, thank you, man. You call anytime and we'll get you on. Appreciate you honoring me and all of our listeners with your bravery, my friend. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, coming up next, a woman wonders if it's time to cut off the in-laws for good. We'll be right back. All right, here's a quick word about the best mattress in the world, Helix Mattresses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yeah, I know you do. You've been putting in the work, man. I'm proud of you. Yeah. If you'd called me six years ago, this would be a very different call, right? But I see you putting it in, man. Yeah. How old are your kids? 25, 16, 5, and 3. Oh, my gosh. Jeez, dude. You have a 3-year-old? Yes, sir. And he is an absolute joy. Of course. Oh, I just love him to death. He's finally got mature parents.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yes. Whose self-worth isn't hinging on how he acts in any given moment, right? Mm-hmm. So what if you with a smile on your face said, hey, honey, we survived? I love you more than life itself. I'm all in. And you stayed with me and I see the work you've done. And I'm so grateful that you hung in there with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Now we've chosen a marriage where we're working on the activities, but we're choosing a marriage that is adventure-free, that is novelty-free, that is life-free. We get in a routine. And some part of having a three-year-old is about routine. You just got to do the same thing over and over every day and you got to grind that one out. But we get to decide how this home feels every day we walk in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
We get to decide our adventure levels. So I'm going to turn off the TV. It makes me, I feel less than when you're sitting there on your phone. What are some things I could do? What are some ways I could love you to make the phone so boring and lame? What is the phone allowing you to hide from? And you've got some things you hide from too. So you can put those behaviors on the table too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Let's go there. Let's go to the deeper stuff. And at the end of the day, here's this. We've chosen this life. And that means we can choose something else. Something awesome. Start there. And man, if you both want to call me, we can keep going. I would love it. But I want Martin to start liking Martin. And I want Martin to stop paying penance for who Martin used to be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I want Martin to start owning who he gets to be moving forward. And I have a feeling that will change the entire energy in your home. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Halo, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, and Lent is the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer, and even meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And throughout Hallow's The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. You'll get to participate in experiencing life change yourself. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And when you sign up at hallow.com slash deloney right now, you'll get three free months. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check them out at hallow.com slash deloney for three free months. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney. All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the internets now. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things. Everything's on the internet now. So much of our lives exist there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet, it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete.me sent me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So listen, we can't really avoid the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with DeleteMe. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. And that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney right now to sign up. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
All right, let's go out to Los Angeles, California and talk to James. Hey, James, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Awesome. I love talking to a Southern California guy who says the word stoked right out of the gate.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I think the first thing is you take ownership of your hesitations and don't put them on her.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You just nailed it right there. Every single person I know, myself included, has had to grieve the fact that they had a picture in their head of how their parents were going to be involved and it didn't look like that in reality. Yeah. That was never on my wife. It was on me. Yeah. And quite honestly, it wasn't on me. My parents are grownups. They get to do what they want to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And because I don't come from a home of billionaires, they didn't buy me a house and a plot of land and give me a job next door to them. Yeah. And so I had to do what I thought was best for my family. Actually, me and my wife did. Yeah. Right? And so I moved away. And I grieve that. Bums me out. And they have jobs. They have lives. I mean, they've got a whole world too. Yeah. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
How old is your soon-to-be wife's mom?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So you're projecting a potential challenge 20 years from now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
No, no, not that. Not your income. Not your income. I'm talking about if you sat down with your wife and you said, I want to have this much money in the bank for the day your mom says I need to move in with you. Would you knuckle down for two years with us and we're just going to funnel that money into an account?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And this is my commitment. This is my, not my commitment to you fund, but I don't want to be an anxious mess walking around all the time. Absolutely. And do you know if mom has, if her mom has support, if there's federal programs, if there's money?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. Right. Like you have to heal that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Do you know that to be true though?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So I don't know that I would count on that just going away. Maybe. Who knows what's going to happen in 20 years. Yeah. But let me pan back 30,000 feet and look at this with you. Up in the clouds looking down, okay? Okay. There's a 1,000% chance you'll have struggles your first year of marriage. Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
There's a 1,000% chance at some point one of you gets laid off, one of your job changes dramatically, you've got a wild swing up or down in finances. Yes. One or both of your, if y'all stay married long enough, all of your parents will pass away. Yeah. All of your parents will do something at some point that you wish they hadn't done revolving on your grandkids or your marriage or something. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so trying to pre-solve all of those problems, or as Brene Brown says, trying to dress rehearse tragedy. Yeah. What it does is it does two things. Number one, it's fake. It's false. It gives you a false sense of security that you have any idea what it's going to actually feel like when your mom passes. Yeah. Any idea what it feels like when your mother-in-law decides, I'm moving in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And of course, that's the month your wife's going to find out she's having twins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Right. Yep. Or that you thought it was going to feel like when there's a big economic correction and everybody's job goes away. There's something about having a math problem, right? I'm with you. I want a number. I want a number and a savings account. It's my emergency fund. I'm with you on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But anything else is me using future pain as a way to numb a current, present-day decision I need to make.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
It's a Xanax. Okay. The second part of it is, here's the only question you need to ask yourself. Will I wake up every single day and come what may, good stuff, bad stuff, I will make it my mission to love you in the best way that I know how. And part two to that is, vulnerably, will you make that same commitment that you'll wake up every day and decide to love me the best way you know how?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So are you in? I'm in. I'm all in. Game on? Game on. Okay. Okay. If you get married and mom needs a place to go and wife says the only right move is mom to move in with us, then y'all figure that problem out together. Yeah. And if you say, I see what's coming and I don't want to have a mother-in-law living with me, then break up with your girlfriend and set her free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
A lot of years. Are you different now? Yes. Okay. Does she acknowledge that and accept that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But holding on to one of those things and holding your girlfriend, future wife's head underwater is not fair.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your relationships. Your marriages, your kids, your emotional and mental health, whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So it might be you saying, okay, what is it about having an elderly person in my house? Is it that I can't walk around in my underwear? Is it that I'm worried about money? And if it keeps coming back to your fear of money, I grew up in a home that it was sketchy on groceries sometimes. Yeah. We never went hungry, but man, it was pretty dang close.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And my dad borrowed a lot from groceries sometimes. Yeah. So the challenge was me working through my money anxiety. Had nothing to do with wanting to take care of an elderly woman in the most honorable way possible. Had to do with I felt less than insecure. Yep. And that's a me problem. That's a you problem, right? Exactly. Exactly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And by the way, brother, if you're like 99.9% of us, you're still going to feel nervous. It's okay. Yeah. How long have you been together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
When you think of it that way, you've made it an item of scarcity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And it's very, very expensive to start a young family in California. Yeah. It's prohibitive. And so... What does it look like to, like me and my family just did the other day, have some adoptive grandparents on your street? My son still goes when we go to West Texas. There was a Miss Tarver who lived next door. She was in her late, late 80s, maybe early 90s.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
She would share a fig Newtons and he would pull up little weeds in her garden. They hung out. My son was two. He was three. He was four. They were best buddies. I would have done anything for that to be my mom, but it wasn't. My mom was a professor in another state, in another town. And so I grieve like, oh man, that would be,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And it made my parents, my kids' grandparents' house that much more special when we went and visited. It made it a magical place to the point now that my son says he has to live a minimum of one hour away from me just because he wants it to be magic when he comes home. All I have to say is you get to inject what happens next, the joy, the laughter, the fun, the excitement, and none of it
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
trying to recreate your childhood, A, won't be what you remember it to be in reality. But also, man, it robs you of any future adventure you can stumble into. And think of the way your sister is doing it right now. That's like her having a car that you want. That's cool. I can afford that car. Sweet. That would be awesome.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
We get to come once every four months and visit mom and dad, and it's magic for the kids. And by the way, you don't have any kids yet. It's like four or five years down the road, right? And hey, this is important. Have the values conversation. Your wife has said, hey, if we have children, I want to be a stay-at-home mom. Cool. What must be true financially for us then?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And let's start planning for that right now. Let's don't get surprised and go bananas like young couples in their early 30s do financially when they find themselves dual income. Let's go out every night. Let's just, let's us live hyper-intentional So after 24 months, we don't owe anybody anything in the world except for our mortgage. Let's don't go out to eat a whole bunch when we're newlyweds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Let's just grind it and grind it and get a humongous emergency fund so we're safe. And then when we have our first kid, we can all exhale. It's going to be awesome just how we planned it. And my last thing to you, James, before I let you go, Almost always when I talk to a young man who's like, I don't know, I don't know, I should, I know everything's right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That guy, when he looks in the mirror, doesn't believe he's worth hitching his wagon to. So you've talked to me about your future wife. You've talked to me about her potential mother's health challenges. You've talked to me about your parents and potential moving and finances. I want you to look in the mirror and ask yourself, am I a man worth marrying? Am I a marriable man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And the answer to that question is yes. But underneath that is, what are the things you need to lean into? Your tendencies, your addictions, your challenges, places where you want to grow. Lean in there. And that's a problem for you to fix, not for the external world to come solve for you. Thanks for the call, my brother. Send me a picture when y'all decide, when y'all gonna get married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And that's the hard part. She's going to have to make a choice. And so it's, it's a, what you're experiencing is really common. So let's take this out of this situation. Cause it's pretty raw with you. Let's say, um, let's say your wife cheated on you. Okay. Um, You walk through it all. You all figure it out. You get it all squared up. You decide to stay together. You all build something new.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
If you get married in Nashville, I'll come. Party on, dude. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and full of weird stains? And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're staying out of town or staying in some hotel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing, comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep every time you lay down. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on and that my entire family sleeps on, Helix Mattresses.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I'll tell you this, my Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep deeper so I wake up more refreshed. And Helix has mattresses for everybody. So no matter how you sleep, if you run hot, if your spine needs a little extra love, if you lie on your back, you sleep on your side, you sleep on your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and every Helix mattress comes with a 10- or 15-year warranty. Right now, I want you to stop what you're doing for two minutes, get online, and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. I did it. You should do it. You're going to find out the perfect mattress just for you, and you can buy it right now, and they'll ship it right to your door.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Right this second, Helix has a special March sale that's tied into the big basketball tournament that's going on. And to celebrate all the brackets and buzzer beaters and cinderellas, you can get 20% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney today for 20% off your mattress. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
All right, let's go to Fort Wayne, Indiana and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Do you realize the gravity of the question you're asking?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. Yeah. So a couple of things. Go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. Two big flags shot up for me just now. Flag number one is when you say he's a great dad, but he doesn't know how to connect with him at a deep level, what does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And then here you are four years later, and you bebop into the house 30 minutes early, and she looks surprised, and she sets her phone down face down really quick. Your body has a GPS pin in it. It's going to remember, oh, I know exactly what she's doing. I've seen this play out before. Sure. And as a part of having... a well-regulated home moving forward, two things have to be true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So does he come home and plop on the couch and just turn a game on? Or go to a study and scroll his phone? Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So let me ask you this. This is a deeper, harder question. Okay. And he's not on the phone, so I can't talk to him. So I can only ask you questions. Okay. Has he learned over the last 9, 10, 11 years that he doesn't do this thing right? And that this is Elizabeth's home? And this is how you need to do things? And he's learned that his kids don't really like him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so he's come to the conclusion, however false it may be, that the greatest gift he can give his family is to go to work, make sure the direct deposit's still functioning, and stay out of everybody's way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. And if, um, you've probably, if you ever listen to the show, you hear me talk about a dance, the couples get into all couples get into me and my wife and every couple gets into dance. Um, and they're very hard to, to peel back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But one thing I want you to just ask yourself and examine is sometimes when we know that someone we love has depression or they're struggling with anxious season. Right. And by the way, all these diagnostic things are just a symptom, a cluster of symptoms. Right. Right. Right. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
but if he knows I'm walking into the door, my wife's already cast this judgment about me and my feelings don't even working right. According to her, I don't put my clothes up the right way. I don't, um, when I got home, I just needed to exhale for a second, but I needed to actually go into the, my kid's bedroom and knock on their door where I don't really know what to say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I don't know how to say it. And, um, Here's what I'm hearing across the country. Men are increasingly not like being at home because their homes feel like a failure factory.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And that's not on you, but it's something to be cognizant about. That the world tells men, you need to be doing this and you have to do this. And if you haven't done this, oh my gosh. And then you're not doing enough housework here, which is there's some truth to all of this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But it has to be contextualized in this is what works for us. Okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So answering your original question, how does a dad build a – oh, let me ask you one more thing. Here's the second thing, the second flag that went up all the way back. Jeez Louise, I'm talking too much.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And again, tell me if I'm wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
What is your husband not bringing you? What is he not providing for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
One, you have to call out, hey, my body's doing, it just noticed this and this and this behavior. And y'all have a plan already in action where she goes, oh God, here's my phone. Right? You have already talked about, when I see you flip your phone over, it just sets, my body goes to set off. The second thing is, is you have to feel it, exhale,
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
My wife once told me it felt like I had a nuclear reactor in my chest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I never yelled. I didn't swear in our house. Of course, I would never hit anybody or anything like that, but she said, oh, I knew. Right. I could feel it. Are you talking about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I don't want you casting that on your daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
No, no, no, no, no. You're trying to solve his relationship with her, which needs to be addressed. Okay. And I'll give you some tips on that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But you have to sit down with him and have this conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because you're hoping that if he fixes it over here, it will somehow, the greatest gift a father can give his daughters twofold. Number one, she needs to know every single day how grateful you are that of all the daughters in the world, you got picked to get that one. She's beautiful and loved no matter what, come what may. That's number one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Number two, the greatest gift a dad can give his daughter is to on a minute-by-minute, hour-by-hour, day-by-day basis, love her mother recklessly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so you're trying to solve a problem over here. The problem is between the two of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So the hardest thing for most couples is that. Now, here's some low-level tips. Every kid is different. My son loves together time, long drives. We drove to Texas for the holidays this year instead of flying because he loves road trips. Me and him in a car was awesome. He likes going hunting with me. He likes going fishing with me. He likes time with.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That also means when I'm out in the garage, I invite him out there all the time. He didn't always come, especially as he's getting older. Dude, when he was younger, it made every job take five hours longer. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But he came and it was awesome. So presence with my daughter. Last night, we have an Olympic wrestling mat up in our living room. We wrestle. She's maniacal. And last night I gave her boxing gloves and it was like, I'd unleashed like round, like, like the second boss on a video game. Like, Ooh, she's awesome. But here's the thing. It's intentional. And we, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Or I had to, I, I, I gambled a half yesterday for her. We had a, a Candyland tournament the other night, just talking trash. And we made, we made a bet. I lost. So I had to give her a half yesterday on, on, on this weekend. Um, Here's the deal. Whether it's Candyland, whether it's wrestling, whether it's kicking a soccer ball, whether it's making a drive, the word there is intentional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And you just got to know what that is. The master underneath that ticking time bomb that you're talking about is your husband's got some demons that I can almost guarantee you originated when he was a kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
and say that was then, I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe now. That's a choice you have to make in that moment. And so your wife for eight or nine years, almost a decade, experienced living in the home with an overbearing dad. Oh yeah, big time. Okay. And she's probably had scars from her own dad. Cause that's tends to be how those cycles work. And then she married another version of him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And he has to choose, I'm going to deal with those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And if he doesn't, it's the old backpack analogy. He has a backpack. And when he was a kid, some adults in his life shoved a whole bunch of bricks in him. And he can deal with them. He can go to a therapist. He can go to a trauma therapist. Almost every man that I know who's struggling with what your husband struggles with has some sort of abuse in their childhood.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Almost everyone. And every day he's at war to not scream, yell, or punch. And he's fighting so hard and he's doing good work. And it's hard to get a man on the other side of it to say, whoa, that's not the solution. The solution is just be free. Not to fight harder.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Right? But you can't do that. I can't do that. He's got to decide to do that and go sit with a trauma therapist and work through that. If he doesn't, he's choosing to take that backpack full of bricks and hand it to his kids and say, y'all carry this. I didn't want to do the work to set it down. Period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But y'all need to work on y'all's marriage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because your kids don't want to be around him right now because they feel that nuclear reactor more than you do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
They want to hug him, but it's like hugging an electric fence. They can't. It hurts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And then they back up and then you get frustrated. He realizes he failed and he just goes in the garage and the whole thing starts over again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I'm not saying that you just go cheer him on. Like you're so great. Right. I get that. But you're the only person in that house that can lean into that electric fence.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yes, you have to use I statements. Here's why.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
He's been fighting his whole life. And when you say you need to do some stuff, those gloves come on instantaneous. He's like Wolverine. Those blades shoot out without even thinking about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because somebody's been saying, you need to satisfy my sexual desires. You need to take the blame for my failures as an adult. He's been doing that since he was a little kid. Right. You're going to turn and flip the script as you look at him dead in the eye, holding his hands and say, I don't feel safe around you. I don't feel safe in my own living room.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Not because you're going to hit me, but because I keep trying to plug into you and I don't feel loved in this house. I make money. I let you do whatever you want. I know, but I want you. Or I miss you. And I keep trying to hug you and I keep getting electrocuted.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Will you fight your way back to me? Most men who had childhoods where they were hurt in some shape, form or fashion are so vigilant about making sure the people around them are not hurt. That when they come to realize the very things that kept you safe as a kid are hurting the people that you love the most. That sometimes is the crack in the armor that they'll say, okay, I'll go talk to somebody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And by the way, when I went and met with the person that ended up walking me through the most healing adventure I've ever been on, I went in full protest. After I had a PhD in counseling, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I was not happy to go. I went as a sort of middle finger to my wife.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Like, fine. Watch this. I'll even go do that. And I happened to go to a trauma therapist and she's just, I felt it. She stared a hole right through me. She knew. Right when I walked in, she knew. And that was the first time ever I felt like, oh man, I met my match.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so now she's in a home. You'll have worked really hard. Y'all have changed. You've changed. You've literally not just stopped getting mad about the house being a little bit dirty to your liking, but you've let that go. Right. And by the way, I'm doing my best. Yes. Well, that's, We can talk about that in a second. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So it's not like the clouds will part.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Here's the answer. Oh, so what do you want me to do? Go see one of those stupid counselors? Just one time where you go sit with somebody and tell them what actually happened, what really happened to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Let's get back to the original question. What do you want this house to feel like when you come home? How can I love you through that? How can I love you to that? And then you have to look in the mirror, probably get with a counselor, a couple of good friends or a minister, like whatever, whoever you make decisions with. Say, okay, here's your what. I got a nine-year-old daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I want to be in a relationship where my daughter has a vivid feeling and a picture of what love looks like, what a marriage looks like, how a husband loves his wife. I don't have that. And how a wife loves her husband. I haven't done that well myself. I'm going to work on that. Or what? I'm going to leave. I'm just going to make peace with it. You get to decide that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But yes, everybody can have an or what statement, but every or what statement comes with choices. Thanks for the call, Elizabeth. Y'all have some hard, hard conversations coming, okay? The one piece of advice I'll give you on those conversations is write everything down beforehand. And if there's some old default behaviors that you both go to, just know they're coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Plan for them, breathe through them, and keep on moving. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, listen. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean the endless streams of lame videos or the rise of AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why I think you're going to love them too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. Red light therapy can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, my infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And you can check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney. Use coupon code Deloney to save 15% off your entire order. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Oh, man. Hey, I got to props that guy. That's a great story he made up. Real fast. On the fly.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
But I'm going to say women, but I'm saying it, people in positions of lesser power, kids are incredible face readers. They're incredible body energy tuners, if you will, because they have to. That's how they stay safe. I say often women, but women are usually smaller. They're in a more precarious position. Both of you get mad, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Man. I don't think anyone's the problem here. He's pretty obtuse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
It's one of those things, like, I don't care what people think. Sometimes you should. And I know it's cool to, like, go through... I'm reading Anthony DeMello book right now. Like, I get it. I want to not have any attachments and not have any external people judging me and not care. Fine. But sometimes my lack of... Like, I don't care if my shirt's tucked in. It embarrasses my wife, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Or I don't... Here's a good example. Can I give an example? Sure. It was working here when I first submitted the first round of questions for the intimacy deck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I had several conversations with people that were like, what is the matter with you? Who would ever talk to their spouses about this stuff? Are you insane? And et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. So it got to the point that I went home and I talked to my wife and I was like, who, by the way, had authored most of the questions. I said, hey, here's the problem.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I think I work with a bunch of weirdos because I've been asking these same questions like at dinner parties for years. To which my wife said, yeah, you've been making dinner real weird for a long time. It's been awkward for ages. I, And then I thought back and we talked about it and we laughed, but she had asked early on our marriage, like, hey, don't ask that question at dinner with strangers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I'm like, oh, okay, cool. So anyway, all I have to say is my obtuseness has, we probably had fewer and fewer dinner date invitations over the years. But all I have to say is him parking there reflects on her. And so, yes, it is a valid request to say, hey, would you please not park at the sex shop?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Um, and with your big pink Cadillac or whatever, he's driving his big jacked up red truck with the cow balls hanging from the back underneath. Like, like if you're like, if you're going to drive that car, don't park it at the, at the sex shop, please just, and that's not ridiculous. And it's cool for him to be like, I don't care what people say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I get it fine, but your actions reflect in other people. So there you go. That's why I've quit asking weird things at the dinner table. Alas. What do you think?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You know, or whatever. I saw them cow balls right in front of the dirty store.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That's the other thing is, bro, don't die on that hill.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Just park somewhere else. Here's the real problem. He 100% went to the sex shop. And she caught him. That, dude, you're the problem. Busted. Busted. If you're gonna drive that truck, you're gonna get caught doing that kind of stuff. Anyway, no. Listen. Every relationship has a little low-hanging annoyance. Hey, would you not? Would you fix your pants? Just fix your pants, for God's sake.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Fix your pants. Hey, whenever you wear those shoes, it just... Don't wear the shoes! Jeez Louise. Can we just... Did you just not park at the sex shop? God help us. I love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
So they are very good, not always, but sometimes, at identifying body language. They can feel you walk in the door. And so you can say, oh, it's good to see you. But she knows, oh God, he's pissed. I can feel it on him, right? And so that means you have to do the work to regulate your nervous system. And that's not just going to counseling and learning some tips and tricks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That's you getting to the root of why in the world would something as trivial as dishes in the sink make me mad? Why would I outsource my joy to that? That's ridiculous, right? And then you get into other things. But that's your work to do, brother. But let's get to her. She's going to have to choose, when she sees that flash across your face, to feel that less than, ask herself, is it true?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
For 20 years, 20 plus years, man, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move when everything's falling apart. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form or leave a message and we'll holler back or let you. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado. Denver CEO and talk to Martin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Yeah, I actually just sat here on the phone for five hours today and didn't do anything. Or, no, I've been working hard all day. He just caught me just in this one weird moment. And she's going to have to choose to move on too. Does that make sense? Yep. So you can't, You can't solve that for her is what I would say.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
My bigger question is, what is it about being inside her own home that she still has to hide inside of a cell phone? Think of a cell phone as Xanax nowadays. Scrolling is a way to numb out, to be present. It's like alcohol. It's like, I'm here, but I'm not there. What is it about her own home that she feels like she has to hide inside of? That's a good question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Because here's the sucky thing about... Let's take the phone away. Let's pretend she drank. Every day you came home and she had a tumbler full of vodka. Okay? Mm-hmm. The question we don't often ask is what is going on in her life that her body has figured out is this is the best way we can handle this problem. Or said in another way, alcohol works, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You can scroll for an hour and it makes part of your day go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
She's got some autonomy. She's got some autonomy. Because again, that comes back to, that puts you right back, and this is going to sound really strange. You assume a lot of power over her and probably others too. And so here's a way to kind of deflate that. You're not powerful enough to do that for her. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Just the same as you are not powerful enough to scare her into cleaning your house for you. You are not powerful enough to scare her into treating your kids the way you demand they be treated or have sex with you just as much and as often as whatever. You realize you don't have that kind of power. You can scare somebody and you can corral them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And for a period of time, you can force when you have a power differential. But you just set the whole relationship on fire. And you found out you didn't love that, right? You don't even like that. Yeah. Yeah. Much less the hell she was living in. Right. The bigger question is, go ahead, go ahead.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
How long since you guys have really been working hard on, on practicing doing the right things?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Sure. And so, so, um, you say it changed the trajectory of your marriage. We all headed towards divorce and then she got pregnant and you decided to stay together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. So let's go all the way back to the beginning. Do you like Martin?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
A lot of self-doubt. Where does that self-doubt come from? I feel like I'm not good enough. Who told you that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so you, you recreated the exact same pattern where you'd walk into your own house and not feel comfortable in your own skin and you blamed her for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
Okay. And yet here we are. So the question I want to ask you is what are you going to do now? And I want to back up, and maybe this is inappropriate, but will you go on a reframe with me for a second? Sure. Okay. For the first eight or nine years, you had a picture in your head of what your life was going to look like. You were going to have kids. You were going to have chaos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
It was going to be fun. It was going to be this. And you were not going to be the dad your dad was. And then you got a decade of infertility. And I've been there, not for a decade, but for a lot of years. And what I didn't understand is how much anger got built into that. And how many 16-year-olds are having kids. And it's, what about us?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And I had a picture of my house that's going to be in every time I came home. It was a reminder of that picture's not happening. And then you did what you defaulted to how you were raised, which is everybody else needs to fix their crap. And that's why I don't feel good. Yeah. And then you did something that your old man never did. Here's the reframe. You said enough is enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I'm going to change. And you asked for forgiveness from your wife. Is that right? And you did something crazy in your line of men and that's go to a therapist. Is that right? Oh yeah. Yeah. And you've been trying and working hard and you've been doing the, doing the actiony things for the last couple of years. So I'm going to tell you something I don't think you would expect me to say to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
I'm proud of you for the work you're doing. You're changing the whole thing. Thank you. I know it's cool in academic circles and in Hollywood movies to flip a switch. That's not how it works in real life. And you've put in a ton of work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
That's my favorite question of the day so far, Martin. Um, without causing defensiveness, why is that your goal?
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And so I want you to think of the work you've done over the last two years, you and your wife, is the whole house fell down. And y'all have been doing the worst part of building a house, which is leveling a foundation, re-digging it out, breaking up the concrete, re-pouring it, leveling it, having to do the porch again. And this thing's off and that back corner is sagging.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
You finally got the foundation poured. And now, the phone is just a, it's a proxy, dude. It's the light on your dashboard. That your wife is uncomfortable in her own home. In her own skin. Yep. Okay? And my guess is your energy coming in the door tells her the exact same thing about you. So this is a beautiful moment after a couple years of hard work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
that you and her get away and you set it up, you deal with the childcare, you deal with all of it. You get away for half a day or you get away for a day. And you sit down and say, I'm gonna go one layer deeper and I want this house to feel safe and I want you to feel alive inside this house. What must be true for us to build the house we wanna build now? I can do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
How Do I Tell My Wife to Get off Her Phone?
And here's what some of the questions look like. Not, why won't you get off your phone? But how could I love you in a way that made being on your phone like a total useless waste of your time? What is a way that I could contribute to making this house feel so safe that this is the place that you think of more than any other place in the world where you want to be?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And on the other side, after they're spending time connected with their family, wish for a disconnection. I've never met that person. But man, it's a hard road to walk. So my prayers are for this guy, man. And if he's listening, bro, I believe in you. Meredith, have him give me a call if he ever wants to. I'd love to talk to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But it's time for you to set down your fear of being disliked and stand really tall and be a woman who protects her kids and be a woman who has boundaries and and be a woman who understands that her safety and her health are the greatest gifts she can give both her husband and herself and her kids. Thanks for the call, Meredith. We'll be right back. Okay, good folks, it's February.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It's the coldest and the shortest month of the year, although it can seem like the longest month of the year sometimes. I struggle in the deep winter months. I just want to stay up too late, throw my routines out the window, and then I oversleep in the mornings, and I get in this blah cycle, and I never feel fully restored. But I'm going to tell you this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Ever since switching to my Helix mattress, I'm getting ahead of the blah cycle. I'm sleeping more deeply and I'm waking up more refreshed. And now I'm able to get up and get moving even when it's cold and dark outside and do the things I need to do to be the best husband, father, and coworker I can be. It's been a marvel this season because my entire family has been feeling this too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
All right. So what's going on in your world?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And as you all know, my whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses. And Helix has a mattress for everybody, no matter how you sleep. If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side or stomach or whatever. Helix also offers a hundred night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
So get online and take the Helix sleep quiz, just like I did. In less than two minutes, you're going to find the perfect mattress for you. And my listeners get early access to their President's Day sale right now. Right now, get 20% off site-wide plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That's helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney for 20% off right now. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about the different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. Red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, sure, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I don't know anything about rambling because I never, ever, ever do that. But you go ahead. Just kidding. That's all I do. Man. So go ahead. Feel free to read it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship. What's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values, what is important to me in a relationship, and how will I show up to honor myself and love my future partner? forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, how can you learn what you value?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Therapy can be a great way to figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in your relationships, and then decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And if it's not a right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, you're married, you're building friendships, or just working on yourself, try BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to H-Town and talk to Jenny from the block.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Of course. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Why now? You've been doing this for two decades.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Give me some examples of some things you would like to see from him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Okay. But you can't go forward with your husband being an alcoholic.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I don't believe ones where someone's beating the other person up physically. Those are over. But I do believe in people figuring it out and choosing to do something different. I do believe in that. I've been there myself. I believe in it. but it takes both people and it takes a setting down of ego that is very hard to do. So I can be wrong here, but I look at this as a matter of fidelity.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And what I mean by that is it sounds like your husband has been cheating on your household for years through inactivity, through a lack of willingness to engage through, uh, putting volunteer projects to boost his ego above caring for his family. It's an integrity issue. It's a lack of fidelity. It's cheating. It might not be with a romantic partner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
He might not be sleeping with somebody, but he is choosing other things to go in front of his household, in front of his marriage. And my only pushback on you would be, and this is, again, very un-Hollywood, very unromantic, but very just the way the world actually is, not the way La La Land told us it should be. Have you sat down and said, I need these things at the house?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
All right, so let me, let me, let me, I don't know him. And I already, I struggle with guys like him, okay? And also, I'll defend him for a little bit. And you can tell me if I'm out to lunch here. When my son was born, I've talked about it on the show, when my son was born, I didn't know how to put on a diaper. I didn't know how to do it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I tried, but I got the message real quick that everything I tried was wrong. Every time I would do the dishes, I would put the dishwasher into the dishwasher. There would always be this, like my wife would go back and like, quote unquote, do it right. The lids don't go right there. They need to be stacked in this order. Why'd you put this thing on top of this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I just knew that everything I tried to do was wrong. And so then it was like, okay, I need you to give me a list of how you want this stuff done. And I know that sounds super annoying and frustrating. But my question to you is, does he have a litany of, if you look back over 20 years, just a long list of not ever really doing stuff right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I've had this argument across the board. I could gladly do the dishes in my house three times a week. My wife likes them done seven times a week. So she can come home and do the dishes four times. If we, let's say we were both working and I knew him three times and she can say, Hey, I'm doing the dishes way more than you. And I got another full-time job. And really she is. That's true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But underneath it, we have a values issue, a belief issue. I believe we could do every three days. And she's like, I don't want to go to bed without him. So when you say like, you don't have an opinion over, or he doesn't think it's a big deal. Give me an example of something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
What does he do? Can I get beneath it all? You don't respect this guy. Why? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and whatever else you got going on in your life. So grateful you're spending time with us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
So do you want him to read your mind some?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Just know this, just know this. There will be absolutely no safety, healing, full connection with an addict in your home. Period. You can get all the counseling you want. You can get all the therapy you want. You can get all the whatever you want. But if you've got somebody struggling with alcoholism in your home, there will be no peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And it sounds like there's a disagreement on what things need to be done every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But then you get into a, they need to be done my way and then it needs to be done. Okay, well then just give me a list of the things that need to be done your way. And then you go, well, I don't want you to just like give you a list. I want you just to kind of know. And then he says, okay, well, I do know, and someone's going to come clean that toilet in two days. I don't want to scrub it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It's disgusting. Somebody blew it up. They'll be here in two days. We pay them a bunch of money to come do it. Do you see how there's just this, like, it's just a figure eight of an awkward dance going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Can I get beneath it all? You don't respect this guy. Why?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Okay. You need to approach it there because I think you're going to lose the conversation. I think he's gotten it over the years. I don't – I need to be able to read her mind what she wants when she wants it. And in your head, your routine is ironclad. It's so clear. You can set an atomic clock to it. He clearly doesn't get it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And so, again, it goes back to he should be able to just know my routine. Well, he doesn't. But if he asks you about it, you get frustrated. So we can have that proxy war, fine. The real deal is you don't respect this man. And when your last kid leaves, the thought of spending another 20 or 30 of your best years of your life with someone you don't respect just curdles your stomach, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Have you sat down and said, I don't respect you because you haven't done anything to earn my respect?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You move on with it. You heal and you get on about your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And as far as I'm concerned, it's a matter of fidelity. Because I told my wife, till death do us part, I'll show up. I'll be here. And that means when things pop up in my life, health issues, emotional health challenges, I got to go do the next right thing to be well so that I can show up like I said I would. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Yeah. No, he wants you. You've been his mother for 20 years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Except that when he picks something and goes, you're like, well, why'd you wear that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Did you used to be like that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Okay. Yeah. So I want to say, like, all of this is earned on both sides. And you might in your head be like, I don't even care what you wear anymore. Just wear something. I'm so sick of the question. And he still remembers the time he felt like he embarrassed you somewhere, and you let him know he embarrassed you somewhere. And so he's just going to, all right, cool.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I was going to ask every time, which again, he sounds like a high school kid, not a husband of, of, of somebody who's like, yeah, he's not a partner. He's a kid. I guess the question for you, do you have somebody already?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And I'm going to do something that's mean, but it's the truth, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That's right. So I can't think of a more important step for you guys to take, which is you guys to go sit down with a marriage therapist together. And stop talking about stupid stuff like chores. And I'm calling them stupid. I'm being inflammatory on purpose. Chores are important and roles are important. Oh, it's important. But y'all have way deeper issues. And here's the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You're on a countdown clock. You know, like every job comes in, they're like, all right, it's one week till Christmas. I need everybody to plug in. Everyone's like, yeah, okay. Right? That's where you are. You're counting it down. And I don't want you to look at the next two or three years as just something to endure before you can then go live your life. I want you to have left it on the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Your kids are going to grow up grasping at a ghost. What I mean by that is they're going to see their dad. They're going to hear their dad. But he will be numbed out to the good stuff and the bad stuff. And they will never be able to connect with him. because he won't be there. There'll be a copy of a copy, right? It'll be like trying to hug somebody wrapped in saran wrap.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And right now, behavior is a language. He's choosing other things. In front of you. And also, it sounds like he has learned over time, there's not really anything he can do that he can win. Have you ever sat down and said, hey, you got to get a job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Why didn't you get a job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
He needs to go to Walmart. Like he needs to go to Walmart or Costco and throw boxes. He's been out of the workforce for 20 years, two decades.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Dude, he won the lottery with you. You were a scratch off for him. He got to avoid all of reality. Here's the thing. I think the... You have to be at an or what? Because I don't know that he can sell. I don't know there's a thing he could do right now to salvage it. He's going to have to become a different person.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And I think out of fairness to him, I don't know that anybody can become the person that you want him to become overnight. So you're going to have to take ownership in your part in creating this. Meaning he had his head in his head as a stay-at-home dad and you had this in your head as a sole provider and we talked about it and he's never been able to do it right or do it enough.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And he's had no purpose for two decades. Like, it's just, you get what I'm saying? It's just a big thing of molasses. It's just goo. And I think somebody, and it's probably going to be you because he doesn't have any initiative. And if he did poke his head up, you might whap it down. Like, you need to say, all right, all this is going to stop. All this is going to stop. Here's what I need.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I need to respect my husband. I need to have a job. No complaints, no whining, no this and that. I need you to go to Walmart. I need you to go to Costco. I need you to go get a job throwing boxes. I need you to work to participate in this family. And I need to take ownership for I've let the way I wanted it done override our relationship for 20 years. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I'm going to tell him I'm sorry for beating you up for doing the dishes every other day instead of every day. I know we hire someone to come clean the toilets and I should have told you I expect you to clean them on all the days in between or whatever the thing is. Then you got to be real clear about what you want in your house. Real clear about what you want in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You can never feel their skin.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And that's going to start with being real clear about what you want inside your own chest. I think your marriage can be saved. I think you're going to build something amazing. But you're going to have to start with practicing peace. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It'll be my gift to you. Read it. Both of y'all read it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Maybe that'll be your roadmap out. Y'all need to call somebody ASAP. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, it's Valentine's time. I don't know why we need yet another holiday right after Christmas, especially when it's cold and dark outside, but they didn't ask me. So Valentine's it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And if you're wondering what to get that special person in your life during the Valentine's Day season, you've got to check out the entire Cozy Earth lineup. Right now, Cozy Earth has a great pre-Valentine's Day sale for him and her, and it's going on right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
So there's never been a better time to experience their bedding, the shirts and hoodies that I love, insanely comfortable pajamas that my wife loves, and even and especially their world-famous towels and bath products. Everything Cozy Earth is soft and breathable and virtually indestructible. Their sheets and sleepwear keep me and my family cool and comfortable all night long.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And the bath products inspire me to want to shower on those days when I don't even want to get out of bed. Make this a Valentine's Day to remember. And if you didn't come through for Christmas, here's your chance to go above and beyond with Cozy Earth. And again, Cozy Earth has a pre-Valentine's Day sale exclusively for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off all products. 40% off!
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Washington, D.C. and talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I'm great. What's going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That's the... I think Taylor Swift figured out that she was the problem. It was her. So what's going on at work?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Can you point back to somebody in your life that, um, gave you love when you achieved things for them?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But at some point, it's one of the parents' job when one parent's struggling, it's one of the other parents' job to keep the kids safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Those values are great, man. What do you want to be when you grow up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I'm not even sure I understand what you just said there. Your graduate advisor recommended you for a doctoral program somewhere.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But you didn't do a good job on your thesis?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I'm a Christian. I did tons of grad school. My wife did tons of grad school. She was a teacher. Figured it out. What does busyness get you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
My friend Ian Simpkins says, if busyness is your drug, rest will feel like stress. Why are you scared to slow down and hang out with your friends and laugh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Not even their net. Sometimes you unfortunately have to pull down and grab a bow and arrow and a shield and go first too. You're not just catching them when they fall or getting knocked off because dad's drunk a lot. But also, I'm going to take you out of this situation because it's not safe for you. Neurologically, it's not safe for you. Physically, it's not safe for you emotionally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I know, but that's because you're hiding from Lynn. Why? Lynn sounds like a pretty amazing person. Why don't you let anybody get to know her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I know, but they don't know you. They see you. They don't know you. Here's the thing. You work really hard, and in this current world, there's not a lot of people who work really hard. So what that means is you're always going to have another opportunity. And so...
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You're going to have to decide not to chase every opportunity, but you're going to have to decide what kind of life you want and then accept the opportunities to get you where you want to be. If you want to quit every job and go work with the marginalized rural communities, go do that. It's extraordinary work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And if you have to get a PhD to do it, I don't think that's the case, but if you want to get a PhD to do it, then make sure somebody pays for it. Don't spend $150,000 to go make $41,000. No, it's marketing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Or what a great, cool thing that your graduate advisor picked you. Said, hey, I'm recommending you for this. And you can say, that's so great, amazing. But I kind of like being a teacher. Never saw it coming, but I like being a teacher. So I'm going to commit for five years. Here's what you need to practice. You need to practice saying the word no. And here's how you do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You wipe off your calendar and you reverse engineer the calendar. with a series of identity statements. I'm the kind of person who exercises every day. I'm the kind of person who has people in my house once a week or twice a week. I'm the kind of person who doesn't owe anybody any money, so I've got to work two jobs for the next two years to pay off all my debts that I got.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Whatever the things are, you put those first. And then you say, okay, what do I have time for? My full-time job, cool. I have time for one grad school class this semester. Or I've got time for four. Or I've got time for what? You get what I'm saying? Because here's what's going to happen. You're going to wake up and be 35 or 36 years old with a PhD.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And you're going to be feeling the exact same feeling that you're feeling right now. which is, I don't really know what I want to do, what's next, this thing, and I don't know. Do you get what I'm saying?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And I know that because I woke up after my first PhD with that same like, all right, okay, so, all right. My second one, I was obsessed with trying to figure out how I could be better at helping people. And dude, it flew by.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I was a dad with two kids and a full-time job and you still make time work because it was the most exciting thing in my life I couldn't wait to learn more to do more to be connected more I had to fight upstream I had to tell everybody I want to do this thing it wasn't like hey I want you to do this I want you to do this I don't know but I want to come back to this thing like what do you want man you get one shot at this crazy life
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
What do you want? That's not rhetorical. I'm being serious. What do you want?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And the husband's got to make some hard, hard choices. I hate this for all of y'all. I hate it for him. I hate it for y'all. I hate it for those kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That's not true. That's 1000% not true. And I know that because I was married to a teacher. You might not be able to be a teacher at a place that requires you to be there until midnight. Or you might have to be a teacher and not get on a bunch of committees because you've got different roles and responsibilities.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Great. And just know. But you're taking yourself out of positions where you meet other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I know, but you're expecting other people to give you something you don't have, which is... You don't so much care for Lynn. But you want other people to.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It might look like rest. For some people, caring for themselves looks like doing a whole lot more work. For some people, it's doing a whole lot less. You know what your drugs are. If your drugs are affirmation and gold stars and certificates and hours worked, then yeah, I'm going to tell you. I ended up with a massive wall of certificates.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It's not an antidote when your wife says, do you still want to be married to me? It's not an antidote when your daughter says, get away, daddy. I don't like you. I promise you. It's cool. It's awesome. All the accolades, all the different dinners, all the plaques, they're fine. They're cool. But I can tell you, I got rid of most of them because they don't mean a whole lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But I want you to organize groups of people to hang out because you love life. And I'm telling you right now, you must be great at working with young people. Are you good at it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I think it's important for you to sit down with somebody and dig into this negative voice that is constantly beating you up. Because it's not true. I was a graduate advisor of students. I would not put my name and reputation on the line to recommend a student for a PhD program if I didn't think they were going to go out there and do well. That's the currency in doctoral programs.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Are they going to go out and make your advisor look good? But you can't see it. I've worked in education. They don't put people around. The coaches don't last very long if they're no good. You can't hear it. When somebody tells you, hey, great job, you're doing awesome, the only voice you hear is your voice going, yeah, but maybe not. And that's going to sabotage a dating relationship.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That's going to sabotage a new family. It's going to sabotage new career stuff. And you're going to constantly just be meandering around searching for somebody to fill that gap. And that gap's got to be filled by you. And it takes professional intervention sometimes. So I want you to call a counselor and say, I have a negative voice that I can't get control of.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That no matter what the external world tells me about how great I'm doing, I can't feel it. I can't see it. I can't hear it. I need help. And a good therapist will say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here. Sit down. But that demon that you're wrestling with is bigger than the show. I can't do it in 10 minutes or 15, 20 minutes, but it's going to be you walking through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And it's going to be you deciding, Lynn, that you want to set that brick of that negative voice down. I'm going to set it down. Cause I want peace. I want laughter. I want life. I don't want just another shiny certificate. Thanks for the call sister. Let's let this be day one. You say, okay, I'm chasing light. I'm chasing laughter. I'm chasing peace. And I'm going to start with a professional.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I'm gonna start clearing away the stuff that takes away from that. And maybe you end up in a PhD program. Maybe you end up as a teacher. Who knows? Or neither. Not really a right path here, but just a path that gets you wherever you want to go. We'll be right back. All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Just kidding. It's the worst. I mean, it is amazing, but it's also the worst. And it doesn't matter if I don't like it because everything in my life and your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages, our communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where we live.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of different accounts for banking and shopping and social media. It's become normal to even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup with our phones.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm so thrilled to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of our online activity, who even knows where our data is and who has access to it?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete.me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker websites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
So while we really can't avoid the internets, we can try to make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Individual delete me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. So go to join delete me.com slash Deloney today and get 20% off. That's join delete me.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Am I the problem, Kelly?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Dude, screw them. Dude. You're a first-gen student that scratched and clawed and fought your way. I used to go backstage from graduation. I used to read the names of graduation. I used to go backstage and weep, especially for those first-gen students. Because it was like... I mean, they took a machete and went out into the jungle to carve a new path for them and their family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And there were some families, dude, that always give the big speech like, don't keep... Hold your applause to the end. And there'd be some of those first-gen students who would cross the stage, and it didn't matter. That place would erupt and... I mean, the whole thing. And then there'd be those other students who would walk across all by themselves. And it used to make me weep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It broke my heart for them. So... my guess is this person has been carving their own route alone for their whole life. And they were hoping that this would be the moment. And they found out in no uncertain terms, you're never going to, that call is never going to come that, Hey, we're proud of you. It's not going to come. That doesn't mean you don't keep going.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
As Jesus says, you dust your sandals off and go into the next town and families. Go to graduation for crying out loud. It's literally the most boring thing on the planet ever. Just go. Do your cruise later. Jeez Louise. What do you think, Kelly? Am I crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You go. You go. So, yes. Sorry for saying screw them, but screw them. I hope their cruise isn't that great. How about that? That's me just being petty. I was going to say something not nice, but I won't. Yes. Hey, just know this. When you cross that stage, you did it. I'm proud of you. Kelly's proud of you. Like the whole gang's proud of you. We're rooting for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I wish your parents would holler at you and they're not cool. They never have. Now your next adventure is to go find a gang that will celebrate with you for all of your professional victories, your romantic victories. We start a family, those victories, your job is to go find some people that will be in your corner from now until the end of time. I'm proud of you. Way to go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Absolutely 1,000%. Okay. That your house is in desperate, desperate, desperate need of boundaries. You are in desperate need of boundaries. practicing setting boundaries and holding them. And you don't like to be unliked and you don't like to, when people are mad at you, do you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I know you do. And yet you married somebody who struggles with alcohol, which means they're very volatile. and you don't know what version of them you're going to get, and you especially don't know what version of their friends you're going to get. And so you play whack-a-mole with your emotions and their emotions, and you stuff everything down so that everybody feels, quote-unquote, peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It's not peace. It's numb. It's not real. There's a difference between numb and peace. You don't have peace in your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
If you want to be on this show, real people going through real challenges in their life, kids, schools, work, marriages, dating, whatever you got going on, I'm here for you. 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. All right. And I just had a bunch of gummy candies because I'm having that kind of day. And my tongue is bright, bright red.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I would put my foot down because here's the thing. You have somebody that's coming around that's, in your words, not a functioning alcoholic, someone who's not safe, not well, says stupid stuff, vomits everywhere, falls down everywhere, whatever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
But tell me if I'm overhearing something, there's something in your gut that says, I don't want him around my kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Because he has chosen to hide his, and I'm not blaming him. He's just chosen to hide. He's chosen to disconnect his emotional regulation center. So you have to be the emotional regulation for the entire house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And so when he's intoxicated, he is saying, I don't get a vote here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
So you say, this person is not welcome at our house anymore. And if you choose to bring him over, you are choosing to send us away and I will take the kids and we will leave. And you, Meredith, have to have the courage to keep your kids safe and to pack them up and leave, even though that means going to a hotel. That means going to your parents' house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That means going to his parents' house, wherever is the next safe place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And when he throws a fit and gets all, acts like a child, you can say, you're not going to put my children at risk with your drinking and especially with the people you bring to this house. Period.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Brene Brown calls it dress rehearsing tragedy. you have thousands of imaginary conversations in your head that you're not having in real life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
The problem is every time you go down that road, your body spins up as though you're actually in it. So your body's fighting wars all day, every day, and that's why you're so tired.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Just take action. And by the way, I think it's fair for you to lay it out for him when he's sober.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Like, hey, we need to talk, and it's always better to do it at breakfast, not at nighttime. But some people don't do it. Whenever, lunch, breakfast, whatever, I'm going to say a few things, and I'm going to ask you to listen. No rebuttals. No fights. I'm going to ask you to listen. If you come home drunk again, you are sending me and your children away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
That's a choice you are making, but we will not be here anymore when you're drunk. Number two, if you bring somebody here, I will call the police and have the police come take this intoxicated person out of my home. Or me and the kids will leave. I like option one better because I want him, I want the friend to think twice before coming to your house.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
No, they've numbed the obviousness. That's not a word, but they disconnect that when they start drinking. And so we're at a point where there's no more him hawing. And no more, I hope he gets the message. Remember this statement, facts are your friends and clear is kind. Here's the truth. When you are intoxicated, you do X, Y, and Z. In my home, that ends now. Clear is kind.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
If you come home intoxicated, And if you punch a hole through the sheet rock again, or if you curse at me, or if you swing at me, or if you whatever, I will call the police 100% of the time. Okay. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Maybe I can color correct it. All right. Let's go out to Mobile, Alabama and talk to Meredith. Hey, Meredith, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
So I need you to hear me real careful. The marriage, the image of the marriage you're trying to hold together is gone. It doesn't exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And I'm not telling you that to deflate you. I'm telling that to free you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It is of course. And he's lovable. He's probably amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And we all do, but his demons are powerful. They're strong. They're real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And he's going to have to choose to stare him down and get the help of a 12-step community and walk through it. And that means he's going to lose some close friends. That means he's got to change his life up. And that's a tall order for anybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And I think it's important for you to tell him, the day, the moment you decide to get clean, I will grab a sword and I'll stand right next to you and I'll charge the gates of hell with you. He needs to know that you're not leaving him. He is telling you to go. You get the difference?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. What you up to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
When you come home drunk, you are sending me away and your kids away. Please don't do that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
Well, and think about it this way. That's one way to look at it, and I think that's a fair way to look at it. The way I tend to look at it now is somebody is in the throes of trying to survive right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And when you're trying to survive, using whatever coping strategy you need to survive, you're not in a place to be a parent.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
You're not in a place to be a connected, plugged-in co-creator of a romantic relationship and a marriage. You're surviving. Right. So I'm going to give you space to survive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I love that question. Like, man, instead of, why are you drinking all the time? Like, what is happening in your life on a day-to-day basis that alcohol is the best way you figured out how to do life? How to survive. But the problem is you can't answer that, Meredith. Only he can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
I can't, I've been hunting a lot and I, it's just so weird. I just out in shorts and a t-shirt. It's so strange anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And probably, probably opening up, got him, got his head knocked off early on in his life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
It's probably being real safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And I bet you underneath alcohol, he's a pretty great guy, isn't he?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
There you go. And so he's worthy of being loved, and he was worthy of you trying to go rescue him. He really was. And I hate that you figured out, like, I don't have the strength or the tools, or it's not possible. And so that's my plea to him. That he's worth a different kind of life. And his kids are worth a dad who's plugged in, and his wife's worth a husband who's plugged in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
And it's going to be hell to get there. But that journey's worth it. I've never met somebody who got sober who said, you know what? All this time with my kids and intimacy with my wife or my husband, I wish I was just drinking. I haven't met that person. I'm sure they exist, but I haven't met that person who's gone through the pain to get well.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I want you to check out my buddies, mindpump.com. Mindpumpfitness.com, that's the ones I use. Or Jordan Syatt, S-Y-A-T-T. They've all got great, great programs that you can use to work out with. But when it comes to comparison, here's the thing. It's hard because you see an outside shell of somebody. You see the world that you think they're living.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And they see the world they think you're living and they don't know how hard it is for you on a day-to-day basis, on a week-by-week, month-by-month basis. And so you may not have a home yet, even though you're 28. You may not have a six-pack, even though you're 28 and you're a male and whatever. You may not be dating anyone yet, whatever. But, dude, you've got more bravery and strength than most.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
You've been going through it for a long, long time. And so I want you to sit down with your doctor and say, okay, we've been playing defense for a long time, 10 years. I want to start playing offense. I want to see what it looks like to begin to work through defense walk right through some of these things that I'm anxious about. And it's just exposure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I want to start walking through some of this stuff. I want to begin to get on the market and start dating. I want to get on the market and potentially get another job that might bring me a little more peace. And I'm going to start doing some acting stuff because I'm not married to anybody. I've got all the time in the world. After hours, I'm going to get after it. So Chris, here's one last thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I want you to write Chris, 35-year-old Chris, a letter. Talk about how good you're going to feel. Maybe one or two projects you've been a part of or four or five projects you've been a part of. How you're going to go to the local talent agency and just start slowly dipping your toes in that stuff. Maybe join a local theater. Maybe start an exercise program.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I want you to write a letter to 35-year-old you and make a commitment. You've been fighting hard for a decade and I want you to start living that. I'm so proud of you, man. I'm proud of you. And honestly, honestly, I can't wait to see what happens next. Cheer your friends on. When you see a buddy with a house, cheer him on. When you see a buddy with a six pack, cheer him on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
That's the antidote to gratitude, like celebration. That's the antidote to comparison, I think. But dude, I'm proud of you, brother. It's an honor that I got to talk to you. Call me anytime. We'll be right back. All right, let's go to Durham, North Carolina and talk to Leah. What's up, Leah?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Well, I appreciate that. It's mostly, it's probably like mostly me, but I'll thank them too. Leah, I literally do nothing. They run this whole thing. They're amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
All right. We're going to go to the next caller.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
You're out of your mind. All right. So what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
No. Okay. I can tell by your call. You don't want to. Why don't you want to... Forget the money part. You don't want to live by them. I could tell by how you asked that question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Okay. You've made this about money, but I don't think it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Tell me about your family. You don't want us talking about it. It's so great. Tell me about your family.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
If you could pick them up and drop them in your current neighborhood, would you do that?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
A hundred percent. Okay. All right. That's helpful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Yeah. I mean, it's not having kids that ruins marriages. It's a lack of intentionality. And honestly, loneliness is tough. So tell me about your friends and where you live right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Do you have a community? So here's the thing I saw in real time. I've heard about this, but I saw it and it was amazing. When my wife got pregnant with Hank, she texted three of her friends, three amazing women who already had kids. And she said, I'm going to text y'all at 2 a.m., 8 a.m., whenever. Y'all are like my help me outs. Y'all are my come overs any times.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And I'm telling you what, they were amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
and like they would show up they would take the kid they would do all like it was about intentionality yeah and so i got to see that ringside that was pretty amazing it was less so when josephine came around because there weren't all those like how do we do this questions or is this rational kind of questions um and it was it was more challenging because i think it was less about the question answering and more about you've heard me say this a million times like um
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
28. So about 10 years, man. So what did they label you with? What did they diagnose you with back when you were 18?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
The idea that a woman's supposed to come home from the hospital and just sit at her house for two months or four months or six months or forever if she chooses to stay at home all alone by herself is insane, right? And not sleep and not eat and not have human contact. Like that's madness. We just made that up here in this culture and it's insane.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And so finding people intentionally that you're going to be around – I think it just comes down to intentionality and you choosing to go be weird.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Well, I, and I love, are you pregnant now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Okay. I would love when you find out that you're pregnant, I would love for you to take out a group of three to five or six women. You pay for coffee or you pay for brunch and just announce it. And then, I don't know, I don't want to be cheesy, but like hand them each a handwritten card or something.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
It's like, from this moment forward, you're my ride or die. You can opt out, but I'm going to lean on you. Y'all are my family here in North Carolina.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And every Tuesday, we're getting together. Every Thursday afternoon, we're getting together. And I'm going to text you at 2 a.m., at 4 p.m., at 1 a.m. Like, I'm going to need you guys. And I'll always be there for y'all. Are y'all in? Are we all in? And if you do that with five people, four of them will say yes, one of them will say no.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Good God. Okay, so... Yes, a lot. I won't get into your psychiatry. That's a lot. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your life. your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on. Here's my promise. I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Or actually, they'll all say yes because peer pressure, and then one of them just won't respond to your text. But that would be about them, not you. And that's okay. They get to do that because their life might be bonkers. Who knows? But yes, you're going to have to choose to ask for help and support and relationships and friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And then I would love for you and your husband to practice on the front end to begin to build together relationships. away like every once a week every Sunday night we get together we talk about our calendar we talk about our budget and we ask each other like two or three like how are we doing how are we doing In fact, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I'm going to send you a questions for humans, intimacy deck and questions for humans. Three, the brand new couples deck. I want you just to keep those. Go through a couple of them every Sunday night. Right now, when you don't have kids, when you're not pregnant, you get in the rhythm of this is how we come back to the table and we come back to the table and we come back to the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
It's just a part of our life. And so that when you have kids, your first baby and you go through pregnancy, you're There's going to be things that you don't even think to tell him or that you're just experiencing and you don't realize he's not experiencing them either or vice versa. And it's just the rhythm of y'all talking is going to already be there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
The rhythm of you going up through the week is going to be there. The rhythm of you guys being honest with each other is going to be there. And... Man, that's the part that blows up marriages. The marriages I see that get even like deeper and more connected are those that talk and co-experience this thing together. And they understand, okay, what we had is completely over now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And here's the other thing, Leah. I'd recommend if you love where you live, you'll have great jobs, you're doing well, and you're establishing yourself, you can always, six months in, look at your husband and be like, dude, we got to get out of here. We got to go home. I got to go back to wherever my family lives. And y'all can always do that. It would be harder to move to your family
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And then six months in, be like, yeah, we made a mistake. Forget you guys. We're out of here. So you can always move afterwards. But if you love where you live and it's better for you all financially, I think younger couples all across the country are having to make that call right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
We want to live in these established cities with our families where they've lived for 20 years, 30 years, 50 years. We can't afford it. So we're having to move to other places across the country.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
beautiful wonderful like newly established places it's just the way the world right now because things got real real expensive and especially in some of these major metropolitan areas and so um y'all do what's best for you guys financially you do what's best for you guys with your community and you sister get over the i don't like to ask for help you're about to bring a human into the world you're gonna need all the help you can get my sister hey thanks for the call we'll be right back
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
So I was presenting behaviors is the nerd way to say that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
All right, let's go out to Naples, Florida, and talk to Paul. What's up, Paul? How we doing? Hi, Dr. John. What's up, dude? I'm doing great.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Dude, I am introverted as the – dude, I am – Oh, okay. Listen, like I'm on this – I'm in the studio by myself talking to a camera. I can see Kelly's like mean glare out the corner of my eye where she's just like totally disapproving of everything I do and say. But other than that, like, yeah, dude, it's making friends in your 40s. It's one of the most challenging things I think a person can do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I really do. You're not crazy. You're not alone. I'm going through the same thing right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I mean... I would hug you if you're sitting right here. You are so far ahead of where I would say 95% of mid 40 year old men are right now. Like you were the, the fact that you're thinking about this and feeling it and you're bummed that your buddy left and you're able to verbalize that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I mean, you are so far ahead of the game because most men in your situation would have grabbed an extra drink and would have played an extra hour of fortnight or sat in front of the computer and watched another hour of pornography or just like gone back to office reruns until they just fade out. And I can't tell you how impressive I am. I impressed with you. I am. So you've identified it early on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
What I have found for me is I'll just be as honest as I can. Um, if I get the courage to ask somebody to a thing and they say, no, I don't know why. I just feel like I'm 10 again. Like it just, it's like, oh, you're going to be by yourself again. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And I've started a thing. I started about three years ago. I started when I buy a concert ticket, I would just buy two.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Or I might buy three or whatever, depending on how expensive they are. And then I would just invite people to come. And if they could pay for them, cool. If they couldn't, cool. I just like going to concerts. And I know it's not always the best to go by yourself. And the other night I had an extra ticket and I was calling around and nobody would, nobody could come.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And it was, by the way, it was an insane band, right? Like nobody in their right mind would want to go to this show. And it was like two days out and it was late. It was like a weekday. So you have to get up and go to work tomorrow. But still, I just have this weird thing. I take it personal. So here's the only way I figured out is, is creating a context. So I,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I would recommend you and your wife having a once a month or once every two weeks. Once every two weeks is probably a lot. But once a month, we have a potluck over at Paul's. And, dude, we do that with Easter. We do that with some holidays. We do that kind of randomly. And I invite everybody. And when I invite 40 people and 10 of them come, I don't feel bad. I think it's pretty amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Yeah, yeah. But I invite like my amazing Kate, my tattoo artist and her family came. I've got songwriters like low-key songwriters and college administrators and marketing people and like lawn care guy. Like they're just random people at the house. They all vote all over the place. We even have this. I have, I always set up the guest room and I make a big announcement.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
If you're here and you don't want to be here and you just want to go to bed, you can go up to the guest room. I've made the bed up and you can go to sleep. Just go shut the door and go to bed. Right? Like, um, here's a TV is on with video games or stuff going on outside. And so we have a random assortment of people over at any given time. Um,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
My eight-year-old was like, hey, you know what would be fun? A dog birthday. And I was like, no, we're not those people. But my wife threw a dog birthday and had random people over. And so it's finding ridiculous things to gather around a table. And I'll just tell you this, man. There's not an easy way to do it. You just got to go first and you got to be weird. Yeah, yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Great place to start is right there. Okay. Great place to start is there's four or five people. A couple of my closest friends I met when my son was in fifth grade and we had just moved to a new town here in Nashville. We moved outside to another city, like a rural town, and my son's coach, His name was David was just a great guy, just a hospitable guy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
We, we, we, our lives are very, very different. Um, he's a veteran who works in it. He's an amazing guy. And his wife became one of our close friends. Like they just became cool, but yeah, that's, that was a great place. And with that community, we've found a new, a few new more friends and a few more friends. And so it's become a fun group.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
We don't have a lot in common professionally, but it's been a blast. Yeah. Yeah. I do. I can't tell you how proud of you. I am, man. Good for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Yeah, I want somebody just I can laugh with. Life's too short. Or a life, somebody I can see a couple weeks later and be like, yeah, you remember when? Or that was awesome that one time, right? It just becomes...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Yeah, it's just doing life with – my wife is very – she's more introverted than me, but where she excels is she's really – she took on about 10 or 15 years ago the idea of hospitality as a spiritual practice. Yeah, sure. And it became like both of our default setting is just to be alone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Was there a problem with feeling really good once a month?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Uh, so we face down in her, especially I'm going to, I'm going to walk through my tendency to want to be alone and I'm going to open up my house. And so she's like, she has done everything from learn how to garden. So she's got fresh stuff and she went and learned how to make sourdough. She's done all this wild stuff, um, so that she can really excel at the art of hospitality.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And now we have people coming and staying at our house from all over the country. If they need two days just to reset their marriage or whatever, but it's, that's, that's all her. Yeah. Just creating a quiet, safe place for people to come. But here's the thing. She's become the master at the one-on-one.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
She goes and has lunches with one person, and she's got some deep, rich friendships that, quite frankly, I'm jealous of. But here's the thing. Everybody does it differently. There's not a right or wrong way. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
So maybe invite two people over or three people over or three couples over. Just know that one of them you're going to have a good connection with. One of them is going to be weird. And one of them will make butt crack jokes all the time like I do. It'll be fine. Sure. So, yeah, I'm all in for you, brother. I'm proud of you, dude.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Hey, send me a picture the first time you get a bunch of gang together. And then just put an arrow over the one that you're like, yeah, I'm not inviting this guy back over. He's weird. Just kidding. Don't do that. That would be the Kelly photo. Hey, thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, as we wrap up this show today, listen, I've been talking about this a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
We're about to hit a major milestone. So if you will just stop what you're doing, because I'm about to ruin. Listen, if you'll stop what you're doing and hit subscribe on the YouTube channel, it makes a humongous difference. And we're getting really close to the million mark. And it would just mean a lot to me. And we're filming this on Halloween today. And it comes out when? Early December?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And so I see that you came as a mean, mean old lady. It's a great costume.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
On time. That's what I came as today.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Well, I was hunting in the woods last night, chasing a deer, and I happened to look... Listen, last night I had quite the adventure. I'm still recovering from it. I may or may not have slept last night, but I came as on time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
You might get it for Christmas too, but that's it. Hey, love you guys. Stay in school. If you're trick-or-treating tonight, make good choices. And this episode comes out after the election, so hopefully we're all still alive. Love you guys. Take care. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I mean, I spent $500 yesterday, but that's because it's deer season. I don't make great choices in deer season. What are you taking right now?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Good God. Okay, so. Yep, a lot. Yeah, but you're taking an antipsychotic and you're taking Gabapentin? You don't drink, do you? No, not anymore. I'm four and a half years sober. Good for you, brother. Congratulations. Okay. I won't get into your psychiatrist. That's a lot.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
That tells me that you are either struggling mightily with major depressive disorder still, plus psychotic features, plus anxiety on top of it, and you're struggling to sleep. Is that right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Okay. How long did it take them to diagnose you with bipolar II? Eight years. When they started the diagnostic, did they do it right in one meeting? Because here's the thing, bipolar II, I want someone to track you and follow you and you come back and you come back, and that's something that they look at over time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Yeah. All right. So I'm not a medical doctor, so I'm going to keep my mouth shut on my opinions there. Here's the bigger thing. How do you feel right now, man?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Um, so what does your activity level look like? You getting outside? Are you able to go exercise? You're on a lot of stuff that would suggest you're probably put on some weight. You probably feel pretty lethargic sometimes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Chris, that's saying a lot for anybody, brother. That's a lot. That's excellent, man. So are you overweight now? Would you be classified as overweight?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Okay, so where did 20 pounds go? I can cheer you on, but that may have been unhealthy 20 pounds.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
There's a lot of tough stuff going on in people's lives these days, from their relationships, their kids, their partners, to that person they see in the mirror every day. their mental, emotional health, whatever you got going on, give me a buzz for the last 20-plus years. I've been sitting with hurting people, and I'd love to sit down with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I call that the gummy bear belly. All right. So, um, Tell me how I can help. It sounds like you've got professional care, and it sounds like you are, I mean, you're staying in a pretty narrow window of behavior, and your physiology sounds like all of us fluctuate and go up and down. You've got a ton of medication that makes it tough, and you're able to still power through that, which is amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
So, um, see how to approach this. Cause, cause as far as I'm concerned, few people could hold a candle to your bravery. Thank you. And few people will ever know who interact with you on a day-to-day basis. Few people will know the hell you walked through for the last 10 years and the struggles you maintain on a daily, weekly, monthly basis. I mean, it's impressive. Thank you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I say this with a smile on my face. If you were here, you'd see this, and so this isn't a grenade I'm throwing, but you're pretty narked up. You got a lot going on. A lot. I don't like all the medication, for sure. Pharmacologically. Yeah, so here's the thing. You getting up and looking and saying, hey, I still got to go do some things, and you going to get those things done? Dude, that's amazing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I'm impressed. The bigger question is... It sounds like you, for the last 10 years, you may have been wandering through, just going through the motions to make sure that you trust the next step you take. Yeah, I would say that's fair. Because if you don't trust yourself to spend money when you're up, you've found yourself in a place where you don't even trust yourself when you feel good. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Oh, wow. I never thought of it that way. And your baseline is, I'm probably always feeling worse than the average person. So you walk around every day with something that most people take for granted, which is you don't trust your own body. You don't trust your brain. That's a scary place to be, right? Oh, yeah. That's terrifying.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
So while the rest of us are walking down the road every day, you're walking on a tightrope. And the fact that you're remotely keeping up with everybody is staggering. It's awesome. Thank you. And you know, on the show, I'll tell you the truth, man. I would clown you. But I'm thoroughly impressed. An antipsychotic, I wrote down here. Did you say Lamictal too? Yeah. And Gabapentin?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Give me a call, 1-844-693-3291, or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's go out to Grand Rapids. I love Grand Rapids. Talk to Chris. What's up, Chris? Hey, Dr. John.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
But here's the thing. You getting up every day and getting after it, I mean, it's amazing. The bigger question I want to ask you is this. After 10 years of, like, I'm just picturing a tightrope between buildings and your arms are out and you're trying to stabilize yourself, right? Yeah. Yeah, totally.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
After 10 years of that, I wonder if instead of surviving, you've never asked yourself, what do I actually want to do? Because I didn't hear in your voice that you want to be like an insurance adjuster. Yeah, no, it's not a passion I have in life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
You thought about it. You thought about it. When you were like, man, I wish my brain worked like everybody else's. And yours doesn't, so here we are, right? Mine doesn't either. Right. When you ask yourself that, what would you do? What's your fantasy? What would you want to go do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
So do you reach out to local shoots there in Grand Rapids or in local theater just to act because it brings you joy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
From a social anxiety perspective or just because you just don't like it? Both. Because here's the thing. If it's about anxiousness, I would love to see you try. Yeah. I would love to see you experience that anxiousness and don't let your body's fear of what happens next rob you of a thing that you might love. Yeah. Okay, for sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
You've pathologized, not in a bad way, it's to keep you safe, but you've pathologized feeling good. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Meaning I would love to open up the Michigan trades and see what commercials or local whatevers or even a small film that's shooting within a two or three hour radius of me. That brings you a lot of anxiety, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Yeah. Um, not as much as the stage. Okay. Yeah. Well, I, I, I have a, I have a tendency and I want you to run this by your doctor, but I have a, I have a bias towards if there is something in the vicinity of things that I love, I want to head into that problem. Can I tell you, can I give you a lame example that has nothing to do with what you're talking about? I am sure it won't be lame.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I'm terrified of heights, like in a, like in a comic way. I don't like getting on a ladder. Very few things in the world scare me. Getting like heights scare me. And I love, love, love getting out in the woods and hunting all fall. And I have missed out on a lot of pretty neat opportunities because most hunting where I live is done in tree stands. Oh, yeah. Okay. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And so this year, this year, after years and years and years of being out in the woods, I decided I'm going to get over that. And so I've taken some additional safety precautions, but also I've pushed myself. And here's the thing. I'm settling in already. Really? Like I feel it. I put my fist in my chest and I feel that I'm nervous. And then I say, okay, I'm tied in here.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
So if I do fall out, I'm just going to dangle from the tree because I'm tied in. And so then I begin to exhale through it. And now I am finding peace. But it just took like finding the thing that I was anxious about and going right into it. Okay. And you may be in a psychological state that you need somebody to walk with you. That's great, man. That's great. But here's the thing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
I want you to begin to ask yourself, what do you want to do? So the idea of packing up from Grand Rapids and moving to Hollywood, that's probably not going to happen at this stage of your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Okay. When it comes to performing, talking, thinking of people, what would you want to do?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Unless Kelly is your producer and it's never safe. It's never safe, Chris. I'm going to do this. I'm going to send you a copy of my buddy Ken Coleman's book, The Work You're Wired to Do. And it's got a... It's got inside of it, it has... I'm going to send it to you for free, but it's got a... like an assessment. It's called a get clear assessment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
It's what he calls it, but it runs you through a, it takes a while, about 15, 20 minutes, but it runs you through a whole bunch of things and it points out some things you might be interested in.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And the beautiful thing about actors, I think everybody in the plant on planet earth in high school and in college should have to take at least one theater course and one counseling course, because a counseling course would teach you empathy and how to sit with people. And a theater course would teach you how to Stand in front of people and become dot, dot, dot, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
And that will help you in sales. That will help you in any number of positions of having to give people bad news and deny claims or to say yes to claims or whatever your job happens to be. It helps you embody something else. And so if you love acting, Chris, I want you to spend some time acting. I would love that for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
If you don't like being an insurance adjuster, being an actor may not pay your bills in a way that you can go buy a house and deal with some of those deeper core issues. I would love to see you get on some sort of exercise program. So the next time you see your doctor, I want you to say, I'm going to start an exercise program How can I get started? And dude, there's a thousand.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Why Do I Compare Myself to Other Men?
Hmm. So take me back, man. How'd you end up in a psychiatrist office?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
That's a big one. 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them. What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking calls from all over planet Earth about your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, struggles with addiction, whatever you got going on in your life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Can I tell you a thing that kind of sucks about forgiveness?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I haven't seen it done intellectually successfully. Like you can't sit in a dark room and be like, and remember that old office episode when Michael Scott declares bankruptcy, he runs out in the middle of the room. He's like, I declare bankruptcy. That's not how that works. I've not seen people with this type of
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
long-term hurt be successful in forgiving themselves or somebody else as an intellectual exercise you have to go do yeah and often yeah forgiving yourself is doing the next right thing yeah it's just hard
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
and let's just like put it all out on the table um for the next five to ten years unless he is just a man of extraordinary character who's just has a demon that is cocaine you'll be the bad parent he'll be the cool fun parent you'll be the parent that has the rules and the guidelines and he'll be the parent that's like oh my gosh let's go right
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And he'll have resources and he'll have the fun and he'll be the dad that sneaks the beers. I mean, it's going to be the next 5, 10, 15 years of tough stuff. And what you're doing is you're trying to create a world where your 25-year-old son, your 25-year-old daughter can look back with their hand in yours and say, oh, now I get it. She was fighting for us the whole time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
She was fighting for us the whole time. But no more daddy gets weird. You should be able to leave town, leave the country, and they be with their safest person imaginable, their dad. And he's chosen not to be that. I hate that he left you, and I hate that he left y'all. Thanks for the call, sister. Call anytime. We'll be right back. All right, it's Organifi time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
All right, so there's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients in what we're eating and what we're drinking. Conversations about food dyes and the colors and the nasty chemicals and the pesticides. I am not a food scientist, but I know that none of this stuff sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Ooh, that's a big one. So if you've listened to me for more than like three minutes, you know, I'm not going to give you that full answer, but I'll, I'll, I'll sit with you. What you got going on?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I trust them for me and I trust them for my kids. Organifi products are certified organic, non-GMO, gluten-free, pesticide-free, and herbicide-free. And they make it super easy to get your daily dose of superfoods with their green juice and their red juice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Organifi green juice is a detoxifying mix of 11 superfoods like ashwagandha that boost your immune system, reduce stress, and help you feel good. Their red juice is filled with antioxidants, and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without all the caffeine jitters, and I know a lot about caffeine jitters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And finally, don't forget the greatest hits album, the Organifi Starter Kit. It's got red juice and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go. And right now, you'll save 20% on the kit at Organifi.com slash Deloney with promo code Deloney.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now for 20% off the Organifi Starter Kit and everything else on their site. Go right now for better health. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing over time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent Challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has an enormous catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
That means you're covered through the entire Lent season and beyond. Go check out Hallow at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months for free. Yo, yo, we are back. Hey, me and my buddy, Dave Ramsey, we're taking our shows on the road, Money and Relationships Tour. It's coming soon to a city near you. It's going to be wheels off.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
We'll answer questions. You guys get to decide a lot of what we talk about on the show. It's going to be like our shows live. And for those of you who just listened to this podcast or YouTube, I also host another show. that allegedly is way, way, way, way bigger than this one, where we talk about relationships and money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And so, listen, we're coming on the road, unfiltered, unapologetic, and it's going to be also fun, and also you're going to leave with some things you can – do to change your life right where you live. And so you're going to be full of wisdom and things you can actually take with you, new tools.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So we're going to go to be, we're going to be in Louisville on April 21st, Durham, April 23rd, Atlanta on April 25th, Phoenix on May 5th, Fort Worth, Texans, you got to show up May 7th, Kansas City, May 9th. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash tour. It's going to be wheels off. Can't wait to... Do you guys ever want to know what do they edit out of these shows before they go live?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Come to the show and come to see us live and you'll see it all. All right. Hey, and like or subscribe. Please hit those buttons. They help us a lot with the algorithmic overlords. Thank you. Let's go out to Norfolk, Virginia and talk to Hazel. Hey, Hazel, what's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I'm doing pretty good. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Have you heard the show before?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You know what? That's the nicest thing somebody said about me. I appreciate that. No, I'm biased about silly things, not about big things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
um all right so let's um let it rip dude so anyway if you know this if you if you haven't seen this show a lot i'm not very good at this so you have nothing to be nervous about you're you're you're good we'll fumble through it together so what's up so um how do i explain to my parents that politics is ruining ruining our family and that they need to tone it down how old are you i'm
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Oh, I'm only asking you because I'm going to say the oldest sounding thing in the whole world. And I'm sorry for saying it like this. It's something that I wish someone had told me when I was 24. And I also know I wouldn't have listened when I was 24. There's literally nothing you can do to convince them of anything.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And it's one of those heartbreaking things that we learn as we grow older that people that we love do things that hurt us. And we have pictures of the way we want things to be. We want family dinners to be fun and a safe place and hilarious. And sometimes they're not. And we want our dads to love our husbands, and we want our moms to love our wives, and sometimes they don't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And we want our uncle to not drink. It just is. And so I guess the thing I can tell you is I'm imagining you've already tried to have a conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Yeah. Then here's the deal. They're opting out of relationship with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Can you honestly say because I don't like talking about politics and that's all you want to talk about?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I know, but you keep doing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So I would flip the language around, okay? Because I'm not a fan of cutting people off either outside of extreme abuse. I am a fan of letting people opt out when they want to opt out. Your parents are not interested in a relationship with you. They're interested in being right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And my experience underneath all the political jargon is people are terrified and they don't have a map for how to work through that fear. And so they grasp with both hands so tightly. And so it's less about you cutting them off and it's more about them opting out of relationship with you. And that breaks my heart for you. Because it sounds like you still want your dad. You still want your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
No, don't be sorry at all. It's heartbreaking. It's happening all over the country. And there's a strange... I say this with all due respect. I heard somebody recently say...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
of hint around this and it it rang true with me if i'm 55 or 65 it feels like i inhabit a world that i no longer have a grasp on and when everyone's talking about machines and learning and ai and like it just feels like everything's spooling underneath us and when your whole life has been about control It can feel unwieldy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And so that doesn't give them like a pass to be ugly or rude or mean or demeaning. But it's a context. But there's something powerful about sitting in that exhale like my dad doesn't want to be in a relationship with me. He just wants to be right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Yeah, but Hazel, they've been doing this to you all for your whole life. Before politics. What was it before politics?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
No, but before that, was there some sort of religious dogma? Was there some sort of military dogma? Was there some sort of, this is who we are, this is how we do things? Was there some of that too?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Well, it's, it's relevant. Um, It's irrelevant.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I just don't want to derail too much. No, it's not going to derail at all. It gives me kind of a GPS pin that I want to hand to you. Your pain is earned over a whole lifetime. For your whole life, you've been put in the middle of immature, emotionally unregulated adults. And that's not a kid's job.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
to prop up dad, to prop up mom, to prop up the other side of the family, to get in the middle of we love you more. No, we do. It's not your job. Your job is just to grow up and bang your head against boundaries and be silly and have fun and kiss. You get what I'm saying? Mm-hmm. And so your whole life you've been told you do X, Y, and Z, and that's your path to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Instead of the old prodigal son picture in my head, which is the kid that leaves and dad sees him from far off after he squandered everything and he goes running after him. I don't care where you've been. I don't care what you've done. I don't care anything. You're my kid. And so I don't want you to think you're crazy that it hurts so bad. It should hurt real, real, real bad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Yeah. Um, To get this out of the way, otherwise it'll just spin in my head and loop and loop and loop. I absolutely hate the phrase high functioning.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And if your birth dad, did your birth dad leave?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And so can we just call this what this is? Dad number two is leaving also? and blaming you for it. Dad won left. You know what? You'll get it one day. You're too stupid to get it right now. There's nothing too stupid about your dad is supposed to fight the gates of hell for his daughter. And now you have another dad telling you, oh, you just young kid. You don't understand. Let's be honest.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
There is tons of geopolitical stuff you don't understand. It's not coming through on your newsfeed either, right? That's not the point.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
The point is, Dad, who cares how you vote? Will you be my dad? And he said no. Not unless you continue in your young adulthood to jump when I say jump and think what I say think and believe what I say believe. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
hold on hun it's not you've been saying it's alright your whole life this one's not alright I'm just used to saying that I know you've been saying that your whole life when unregulated unregulated adults act like children scream and yell and hit and punch and leave and then they blame you my dad does like to blame me he doesn't realize he does it but okay
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Because all that means is somebody has X, Y, or Z challenge or struggle with addiction or mental health disorder, whatever it is, and they go to work and get a paycheck. High functioning rarely is in reference to the wake state. that somebody like your husband leaves relationally, emotionally, financially on the people that love him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So can I ask you a hard, hard, hard question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
What are you going to do next?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Okay. How much longer you got?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Very cool. Can I tell you that I'm proud of you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It's pretty awesome. And one day you're going to be a part of building a building that my kids go inside of to learn something, to get well because they've got doctors and medicine in there. Or a courtroom that's going to help my kids after an injustice has been done to them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You will. You will. But don't deflect for a second. I just want to say I'm proud of you. And we always talk about changing your family tree and we talk about legacy and we talk about hope, but we don't do enough justice to those conversations and we don't talk about how much it hurts sometimes. Doing the next right thing is hard and it hurts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Especially on those days you just want to pick up the phone and call your dad.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I would write them a letter. And that way, whenever they talk to you, there's some sense of superiority or power or insecurity that takes over their bodies. Okay. Okay. And so when you challenge a thought, you challenge a belief, or you say, hey, when y'all do this, it hurts. They instantly go to fight or flight and they come back over the top of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And y'all have been in that dynamic since you were a little bitty kid. So let's call that what it is. And that's a failed strategy. It doesn't work. So if we're going to try to connect, let's try one more thing. And that is a letter. And here's the beauty of a letter. If you write it with the intent to get you, I got you, it will burn everything to the ground. I would not recommend doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
If you write a letter that says, hey, here's a path to your daughter, to my heart, to my mind, to my spirit, and I love you guys, and here's my boundaries, then they can read it, get all fired up, and then they can set it down. Can I believe she wrote that? And then they can read it again. And then they can read it again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And if they read it two or three times, they read it and they're not so reactive. And they begin to hear the voice of their daughter saying, hey, hey, hey, hey, I don't care how y'all voted. Hey, hey, hey, I don't care about your conspiracy theories or your what. I want my dad. I want my mom. And that might be the shot you got. Is that fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Okay. And you can text your mom back and say, hey, mom, I'm writing a letter. I'm not doing a good job of talking. And my thoughts and words get all jumbled up. So I'm going to write a letter and send it to you. And know that I love you and dad. I love you all. And when you hit send on that letter or you put it in the mail, handwritten letters are gangster, I think.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And for those, I've spent a lot of time with people who struggle with cocaine. Just for people who are listening who don't have that kind of reference, 20 years means you've dealt with a lot of gnarly actions inside your home. Give me an example of a few of them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And you put it in the mail and they may read it and throw it away. And that's just reality. You got to choose reality. Do what's the next right thing. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's my number one bestselling book that I wrote. It's got a whole section about grief just for this moment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Check out that book and I'll be my gift to you for being a legacy changer, being a family tree changer. And just make sure the relationships that you have in your life that you're going to always go running towards loved ones, not putting up walls. I wish I had a better outlook on this call, but kind of political nonsense divide going on between families is just breaking my heart.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It's happened all over the country. I hate it. I hate it. Moms and dads, this is what it sounds like when you're quote unquote right. And your kids are sitting there, even your adult kids are sitting there all by themselves. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Don't skip past this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Listen, we all know that we live on the internets these days. Our whole lives are on the internets, and I wish this was not the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish it wasn't the case. It just is. Everything we do takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, and because so much of our life exists on the internet now,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It should become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies, to give our phone numbers away to random companies, and those companies turn around and sell our information to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me. Listen, they reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
35,000 data brokers that had my personal information and they've removed my personal information from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed, when they remove them, and from who. I want you to have this kind of peace too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Listen, we can't avoid our lives being on the internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all of the Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Don't forget to like or subscribe and subscribe. All the button pushy things that tells the internet we love this show. Their five-star reviews, all that stuff makes such a huge difference. I wish it didn't make a difference, but it for sure does. So thank you so much for everybody who just takes a second to hit the subscribe button. Let's go to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Pahil.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
What's up, Phil? Hey, Dr. John.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Very cool. Congratulations, man. How long has the journey been?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Congratulations, man. Tell me about your adopted kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Maniac. When you listen to this call, I want you to go back and just hear, it's very nuanced, but your discussion about IVF and the way your voice lit up when you started talking about this little boy, he must be pretty special, huh? I can't even tell you. I can hear you smiling through the phone, dude. Yeah. He's a good dude. I love him. That's amazing. What have you brought to his life?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Can I salute you for that, brother? I appreciate you. Thank you. Like, I mean, for real. Yeah. I know you fell in love with his mama, but you didn't expect this one, did you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Well, I'm glad you're being conscientious, man. That's awesome. I'll get into some of the nerd stuff, but I guess for whatever it's worth... My wife and I tried for several years till we finally had our son. And then we tried for a number of years and had a lot of losses and whatnot in between before my daughter came along.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I was always nervous about her coming because I could not wrap my head around loving something and someone as much as I loved my son.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And I spent a lot of that last pregnancy nervous because And the only way I can describe it, I described it to a buddy like this once. It just felt like another chamber of my heart opened up that I didn't know was there. And so now it's a strange thing that everything in our life we're told is scarce, right? It's finite. And love doesn't work that way. It just expands in such a wild way, man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I wish I could wrap my fingers around it and package it and sell it because I'd be a trillionaire. It just does. It just does, man. It just opens up. So there is some data that goes both ways. And so whenever that happens, meaning there's no difference between adopted kids and bio kids. And then, yes, sometimes there's a little bit of an unbiased shift towards the nerd.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
They call it resource allocation, right? Like you might say like, well, no, my kid's going to drive this car. Or my kid's going to put this much in their college fund kind of thing. Um, but when I get conflicting studies like that, I tend to right, wrong or different. I tend to kind of just throw them out and look at the, look at the dad who's, who's about to have his life, um, double in blessing.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And so I would talk about, um, a couple of things. One, you know, this more than anybody listening, um, love is a choice you make. And you've chosen to lean in and love this little boy like his own dad. You've become his dad. Did you adopt him formally? Not yet. We're in the process.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Amazing. Amazing. I would begin ASAP referring to your wife's pregnancy as his baby. It's a little hack I learned from one of my mental health professors in grad school. She said, just try this. It was magic in my house. It gave them ownership. So we got to avoid, because you're going to have a big age gap. It avoided the, yeah, what about me and the new kid syndrome, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Like the superstar syndrome. And it became, oh, it's my kid. I get to help. Your brother, your sister, your kid. And whatever, the kids are so desperate for ownership in places where they feel powerless. And so, man, that'd be a great gift. I would have honest conversations with your wife about resources. Yeah. How much are we going to put in college funds?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
How much are we going to save for cars and just be aligned with your finances? And then put some things on the calendar, probably as you already do. I'll continue to do my weekly... breakfast with my son, I'm going to continue to coach his soccer team, whatever things that you do, right? Those things aren't going to stop. And don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and your soul melts.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You know what I mean? Yeah. And also, don't beat yourself up if you hold your daughter and you don't feel anything. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Yeah, because she won't give a crap about you. Not even the slightest bit. But you are building her nervous system and her brain every time you hold her. Every time she feels peace and warmth. Every time her big brother holds her. And we're going to teach that boy about loving a sister and protecting a sister and the things that big brothers do for their sisters.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And he's been bringing it into the house forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And it's going to continue to be a part of the laboratory that he's grown up in and the world that he's grown up in. Yeah. So I want to honor your fear on this end. I want to tell you on the back end with some limited practices and you just keep showing up and being you, a guy who loves almost recklessly. Man, you're going to be great. You're going to be a great dad. I appreciate it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I wish I'd done this. I would go to the store and buy a little journal and start writing your daughter-to-be notes. I would also get a journal and write your son notes and begin that practice.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So that when they're both 18, they're going to have years of nerdy little dadisms from Phil and love notes and I'm crazy about you notes and maybe even some fears in there. I think that'd be a pretty magical thing. I like that idea. But I think you're on the path, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Thank you. Cool. Now, if you get into it and you screw it all up, call me back. Hopefully I'll still be employed here, but I think you're going to be good to go, man. I appreciate it. Thank you for the insight. You got it, man. I know this isn't for everybody, but having a daughter is one of the greatest things that ever happened to me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Dude, your kids are going to have a dad who knows how to call his emotions out, man. They won the lottery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
No, love deeply and love recklessly. And I think the meta message for both your kids is no matter what, you can always come home. Yeah. And I would also give your 10-year-old some grace. I expect him to kind of be all over the place for a while.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
as things you know what I mean like as a new kid interrupts his little his little safety nest and as he figures out he gets old enough to realize you know my other dad left and but this guy's amazing but you're not my dad and all of that just chaos that comes with adopted teens um I don't know. They also know how to love in a way that is pretty profound and powerful.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So you got on quite the ride, my brother. And again, I want to honor you. It's amazing that you did that. There's a lot of kids out there that need good dads. And your daughter, man, you can look at both of your kids and say, no, no, no, no, no. I chose you. Usually you can only do that with adoption, but... With the video game world we have now, you get to choose your daughter, too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It's amazing, my brother. It's been an honor talking to you, Phil. Blessings to you. Send us a note when she's born, healthy, and we'll shout you out here on the show. Take care. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean lame AI influencers or scrolling and scrolling and scrolling.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I'm talking about all the screens in our homes and our offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products literally all of the time, every single day, and I love them.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Okay. Ish. For now. I'm thinking of what they could have been 20 years ago versus how much they've just literally been snorted away. So can I ask you a personal question? I want to kick you while you're down, but can I ask you a hard question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And here's why I think you'll love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. Red light therapy can also help you recover from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every day. And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use coupon code Deloney to save 15%. Go check them out. All right, we are back. We have an Am I the Problem? Not the original Am I the Problem? Because Kelly's not here. So Taylor's filling in and her dad watches the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So we'll save that, the good one for the next time. All right, so which one you got, Taylor?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
No, not at all. And your family's the worst. And so where I'd say it's your problem is you continue... showing up to the tiger cage and putting your hand through the fence and getting bit and getting mad at the tiger. The tiger's going to be who the tiger is. And so, no, you're not the problem for wanting to be included. And you've done an amazing job of Being upfront about it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It's not like your husband's even said, hey, this is ridiculous. This is my wife. Send her on the text chain too. And his family is immature toddlers. They're like, we don't like her. We only talk to him, whatever they're doing. And so, yeah, no, it's not your problem at all. It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap. Your choice is, I'm going to stop expecting a tiger to not have stripes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I'm going to just, to not bite me when I put my hand through the fence. I'm going to quit putting my hand through the fence. And that means I'm not going to try to live my life through their life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
they don't want me in it i'm gonna message received i'm gonna go make a life elsewhere and by the way your husband's gonna need to be on board with that because his family's made it very clear they don't want you in their life and as for me in my house if my family did that my family has made it very clear that if me and my wife ever separated they are team her all the way all the way um yeah i'd be going to live at ben's and ben's in his gaming room or whatever i don't know it's gonna be a great time man we would party
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Why did you make humans with this guy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
but you're gonna have to teach me how the dwarfs of Gondor fight the elves of whatever dragon thing. I'll teach you. Oh man. But yeah, I mean, I mean, a cow can't be a horse, right? It just can't be. And so that's what we got going on here. She wants her family to be something that's not. And for 15 years, she say,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Yeah, it's not going to happen. And so I'm going to go find family somewhere else, which is heartbreaking to say out loud, but it is what it is what it is. Does that sound right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And they don't. Hey, that's kind of the theme of this show. I'm going to start a new thing right now. It may only be one time. It's called The Wrap Up. Parents! Stop being so immature with your adult kids. My God, who cares how they vote? Who cares what books they read? Include them in things.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Call your kids and say, I'm sorry for letting all this nonsense get in the way of loving you and the person you choose to love as well. Stop. I'm watching families everywhere melt and just right in front of me because of this kind of petty ego nonsense. Stop. We need each other now more than ever. I love you guys. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Uh-huh. For most normal mortals, it would have been 48 to 72 hours, but you, I guess, could handle the front end of that before he had to disappear.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It's not, though. It's so clear. No. It's not.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
What is it about your current reality that you're having trouble being honest about? Because listen, for the last 20 years, you have lived inside of a spider web of dishonesty. And you've allowed it to. It's both and.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And so what is it about this current reality? Like if your friends set you down, forget the cocaine, forget the drug abuse. hey, my husband's getting a bunch of escorts. He's making the kids incredibly unsafe. He's making you unsafe with his sexual practices. He disappears for days on end. What would you tell your friend?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Get out. So what is it about this situation that you can't put both feet on the ground? I feel like you're out in the bay, in the water, and it's three feet, but you won't just stand up. I don't know. It's three feet deep.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
My promise is this, I may not have all the answers, but I promise I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for more than two decades and it's one of my, one of my
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Tell me about that. Well... Not about the can't do it. You're a financial executive. You make enough money. You've got a rare thing that women in your situation have, and that's financial security. You're okay. Yeah. I want to go back to the thing before that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And you've been watching a man slowly kill himself for two decades.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You remember the bomb blast, though.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
It has nothing to do with intelligence, Audrey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Your dad, your dad dying wasn't your fault. You know that, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
the highest honors of my life that I get to sit with folks amidst their pain and amidst their trust and see if I can point out on the horizon and find a small pinprick of a light that might provide hope for the next right move. If you want to sit down and have a chat with me, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Love to have you on the show.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You don't have that kind of power, sweetheart. You don't have that kind of power. You didn't have that kind of power when you feel when you're eight years old and there's not a more powerless feeling that Then one of our parents dies when we were a kid. Yeah. And there's especially not a more powerless feeling when mom says dumb things on the back end of that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You can't get rid of him. He is opting out of their life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
He has opted out multiple times. And I want you to consider the fact that he is screaming in his silent voice, please get these kids away from me. I'm not safe.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You say you work at the same place.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Will this cost you professionally to divorce him?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Will he be a person of character on the back end or will he run you down?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
person of character so far but he is running me down silently and nobody knows that he has this problem either well and that's that so let me let me change the language a little bit so you i guess for all intents and purposes you've made your decision And if you're calling me as just kind of a C-level podcaster to be like, do I stamp this? Yes, I stamp your decision.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Consider it stamped, okay? Yeah. I don't know that I've talked to somebody who's tried this hard for this long to get somebody to see in the mirror what you see, which is a man that you love.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And he's gone from he can't to now I think it's he won't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And so he won't. And exhale, put a stamp on it. When you make that decision that I'm ending this for the safety of me, my family, my children, you are now entering into a business transaction. And if you are doing business...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
If you were sitting around a table with a room full of lawyers about to sign an agreement or terminate a contract with business professionals, there'd be some sort of NDA-ish kind of language that says you can't go out in the public and run me down or I'm going to make this whole thing public. Right. And so now that you're entering into this world, that's got to be part of the language. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You can't, quote unquote, protect yourself partly, right? Boxers don't go in with one arm up. They got to have both up. They're going to get knocked out.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And you know as well as I do that in the workplace, his word's going to be valued, especially initially, over yours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
So we're going to be people of integrity, and we're also going to put down in writing, this is how this is going to go. But you need to hear me say, he left you a long time ago. He just didn't do the paperwork.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
He just keeps coming back. Well, you keep allowing him back. I would come back if I was him too. To a warm, safe place with somebody who loves me unconditionally, who let me just run amok, and two little miniature versions of myself that are the fantasy of the innocence and purity that I could have been, that I still can be, but I just won't.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Of course he comes home. Yeah. Yeah. How old are your kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Let's roll out to Ontario, Canada and talk to Audrey. Hey, Audrey, what's up, lady?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Yeah. I would use language like, Daddy's really sick.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
Well, I mean, that's all well and good. Therapy all around. Yeah, I mean, it's all well and good. You're pretty therapized up. You know what I mean? Yeah. The thing you've got to start doing is taking action.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You've thought about it enough. You've talked yourself into circles. You've had enough cups of coffee with well-meaning, like it's time to either say, this is who your dad is and we're going to ride or die. Or your dad has opted out and I'm going to have to do the dirty work here and actually take care of the paperwork because he won't. He doesn't love us enough to fully leave.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
He loves us enough to bounce back and hurt everybody.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And I'm not going to let him do that to my kids. And then he gets to choose, quite honestly, he gets to choose, and all this stuff comes out in court, by the way. He's got a lot to lose. Yeah. About his drug use and his safety, and he's going to take drug tests to be around the kids and all that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
And then you've got a whole other crazy world of I mean, just the unequalness with which these things get separated. But probably a lot of your success is due to the shared childcare expenses and all that kind of stuff. And so figuring that out, just sitting down and making sure we're all honest about what this is going to take.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
What are you talking about? You gave it a try. I gave downhill snow skiing a try. I hated it. I went to ski school and I just went out of control down a bunny slope and I knocked over a ski instructor and he's like, what's the deal, bro? And I was like, really? You think I did this on purpose? And I spent the whole day freezing on greens. And then I just like, I hate this. I quit.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
You've been with me on my journey. I'm a huge Audrey fan. This is big for both of us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Is It Time for Me to Give Up on My Marriage?
I gave that a try. I don't like being cold. I don't like being out of control. And skiing's both. You gave two decades of your life. I did. And I think you have to forgive yourself. Because you've known the ending of this ride for a long time. And you kept staying on and staying on and staying on and staying on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Validating like, no, you're beautiful, or no, I love you, or send me nude pics. What do you mean when you say validating?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And is that in violation of you? Yes.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And I say that, I just told somebody else, like I just told the caller before you the exact words, you're worth being loved, right? Which is very validating. But you're saying this, this is in a secretive romantic relationship. He's receiving validation from other people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. Okay. So... When you say the words, I may never fully recover, what do you mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. So did you find, you found out he cheated on you while you were engaged?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. Um, how long have y'all been married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Three years. Can I just exhale with you for a second? I'm sorry. This is the worst. Like watching somebody you love hurt and go to rehab is pain, pain, pain. And then while you're gone, finding out there's a secret life behind your back that in some situations may put you at risk, like your health and safety at risk. That's devastating, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
In fact, in many ways that can, it can make your marriage feel like it was built on a house of distrust. I mean, a house of lies, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So just for whatever it's worth, your pain is right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You're not crazy. I don't think you recover from this. I think you decide I'm going to build something new or I'm not. Recovering means something has happened that you're somehow less than. And I don't think that's true. You recover from a broken arm because something on you is broken. I think you're good. I think the marriage that you thought you had is over.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Three years ago. So tell me the story, man. She was dating somebody. He passed away, and now y'all are together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
The question is, am I going to build a new one or not?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
No, listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. The marriage you had is over. It doesn't exist.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You'll have to decide to build something new. Because if you spend a ton of energy trying to get back what was, and he tries to wallpaper over everything to get back to what was, I'm telling you right now, what was never existed. It wasn't what you thought it was. He was with somebody else. He's not the man that you thought you married.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Character-wise, strength-wise, integrity-wise, your life is different now. The thing you had is over. What you have to ask yourself is, am I going to build something new or not? And you can't build something new with somebody who's actively using substance abuse.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And you can't build something new with somebody who is not telling the full truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth to help them God. That's it. That's the only way. You got to clear the deck. And by the way, you have to tell the full truth. I went and looked in your phone. Here's what I've seen. I've seen everything. But I don't think I've seen everything actually.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I think I've only seen a part of it. I don't know you. I'm disgusted by you. My heart is broken and you broke it. And I don't know if I want to build something new with you. Like you have to be that open too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Because if you hedge it, there's going to be, that's the seed, that's the soil from which resentment grows. Because you start burying parts of yourself so that you can get to the next thing, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
He'll be home in two weeks, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Can I make two recommendations?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Because he's going to think there's something innately wrong.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
It will be very disorienting. And you might want to get him back. Like, you caused me this much pain. I'm going to cause you pain in here. You're stuck in here and you're going to be wondering what I'm thinking about if I found somebody new. Like, whatever stories he's ginning up there because he's stuck in rehab, there's an integrity that I want you to keep whole in this process.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You were not treated with dignity and respect, but that will not take your dignity and respect from you. Does that make sense?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So I've always been a person who tells the truth. I will continue to be a person who tells the truth. The second piece of wisdom is, I don't know if you're allowed to do this, but if possible, I would reach out to his case manager. And here's why. And I think there's a possibility that he hears this in rehab from you and there's a counselor there that can help mediate the conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And he's got some support and structure before he comes back out thinking his world is healing and it's laying in pieces all over his living room floor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And it may be that his social worker says, I'm going to ask you, please don't bring this up right now. He's too fragile and he won't make it through this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Do you get what I'm saying? Because I know part of you doesn't want to blow his life up right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Because you're worried about him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
That's right. Yeah. Do you have a number of a case manager you can call?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So I would ask that that person speak confidentially, that you can speak confidentially to them. And they may not be able to. They may say, hey, he's my client actually. But hopefully they'll use their professional discretion and wisdom and judgment. But I would call that person and say, here's what I found. We're going to have to do a confrontation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I'm going to have to sit down and decide if I want to stay married to this person. And rest assured, they're going through that stuff inside. They're walking through amends. They're walking through truth-telling. They're walking through, you may get out of here and your partner leaves you. They're going to be talking about that stuff inside, but it's just different when it happens.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Can I ask you a personal question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
It will. That building fell down. It's over. Yeah. Are you going to build a new building or not going to?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. What's that something? It could be God. It could be arrogance. It could be ego. It could be love. What is that something?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And I think that's one of the demons of infidelity is it makes the person who got cheated on feel insane. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And that's – I talk about this a lot on the show, but that to me is one of the – I mean there's the initial betrayal and there's a lack of safety, right? If you're sleeping with somebody else and then you're sleeping with me, I don't know what you're bringing into this relationship, right? Oh, yeah. But I think one of the terrifying aspects of it is you didn't see it and you lose trust in Jenna.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Like if I can't see that he's having multiple relationships with multiple people under my roof – Do you feel crazy?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And... You got married to somebody who's been wrestling with addiction. The greatest truth benders on planet earth. And so I think writing, I mean, I'm glad that you have a journaling practice. I think writing something down and finding a situation where you can read it to him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And if you know, I want to fix this, but we're going to have to rebuild trust from the basement up, begin to think through what would it take for that. Like no phones, no social media, no this. If I see alcohol again, like what is a path going to look like? And by the way, your path can change every 10 days, right? I thought I was going to be okay with this. I'm not okay with this.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I thought like you get to set the ground rules and he gets to decide whether he's in or out. But there's a cruelty to, we just have to rebuild this thing. And he's like, okay, whatever it takes, you know, move back in the same house. Very quickly, everything goes back to the way it was.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And so there's got to be some level of me thinking through, okay, if I'm going to stay in this, here's what must be true. And you can make a list of 200 things. You can make a list of 800 things. You can make a list of three things. Here's what must be true. Here's the ground rules for redesigning and rebuilding. No, not re.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Here's the ground rules for building, for designing, for constructing a new home because you burned our other home to the ground. It's gone. And so if you and I are going to get in a room and meet with an architect and meet with the design crew and interior designers and a construction team and we're going to rebuild this thing, Here's what must be true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Sorry that you're going through this, Jenna. He's lucky to have somebody walking alongside him and loving him like you do. My hope for you is you don't lose yourself in this process and trying to make this thing work. My hope is it empowers you and emboldens you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
that what you want matters, what integrity matters, strength and compassion and kindness matters and integrity, integrity, integrity matters. Thank you for the call, Jenna. Call anytime. We'll be right back. All right, you know this. I'm a founding member of the Anti-Internet Club. I think I'm the only member. But listen, I'm all over the internet these days. You are too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our email addresses. We're buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account trying to sell me stuff, all kinds of stuff, and I hate it. And I also know it's not going away anytime soon, which is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
With all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information, and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But when you use Delete.me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites, and they send reports throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And right now, I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allows me to let my guard down just a little bit and feel some peace.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
This holiday season, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Corse Gold, California and talk to Anita. What's up, Anita?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Doing all right. How about you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
10 years. But he is not the father of these kids?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Why doesn't she have custody?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So she doesn't have custody. Almost always, if a mom doesn't have custody, there's physical abuse or there is substance abuse. But in this case, she just left her kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
He was violent with her or vice versa?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. Okay. So I guess there's multiple layers here. She's a 28-year-old. So if you ask me, how do I protect the family? And you're talking about you and her other siblings and aunts and uncles. You protect them by not having somebody who's physically volatile around. If you're asking me about the kids, her kids...
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
then we react very directly and very swiftly to protect children in all cases, even if it's going to cost us a relationship with another adult because we protect kids. That's what we do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
She screams at people. She curses. She goes for the jugular and says hurtful things. What does that mean?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Why do you continue to wade into another adult treating you that way?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
How much is she bringing this up and how much are you projecting this onto your normal relationship?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Talk right into your phone for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. So let me clarify a few things for you. Mental health disorders, I categorize those differently than emotional health disorders. Regardless of the disorder you have, you don't hurt kids, period. Period. And so I don't care how somebody's mom treated them and how they in turn treated your kid, their daughter. I don't care the lineage on that. You don't hurt kids. There's no excuse for it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
A borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar, those are contexts, not an excuse. Because if as an adult you can't control your rage and you scream and yell and hit a child, it's the other adult's job to protect that kid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But it never makes it okay or I understand or, well, actually he has a, I don't care. I could care less what somebody has. You don't say that to kids. You don't hurt kids. And so, number one, I don't care. It sounds like, unless I missed something, there's not been psychiatric intervention with your daughter.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You've gotten online and asked some people and tried to figure out what she might have to explain her behavior. I don't care about any internet diagnostics.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Does she have diagnostics? What has she been diagnosed with?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. When was the last time she was diagnosed as bipolar?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You don't explode on pieces of you, your children, because you're more comfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. My guess is home, that her body put little GPS pins in home growing up. Home has never been a place of peace and safety, ever. And so when she goes home, when the most important, the most valuable, the most developmentally critical male relationship in her life was her father, was the one who imparted most of the direct pain.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Yeah, because I see a narrative that you can also create. You can create a story that you're dating somebody that's forever damaged. And that you are just this second place, like cut rate placeholder for her one true love who died when she was still a late teenager. You can make up that story.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
then the leap her body has to learn, her nervous system has to learn how to be in the presence of another grown man who says the words, I love you, and she can receive it. And so my guess is she doesn't feel like she's like, ah, I can put my guard down at home. It's the exact opposite. When she goes home and that front door closes, she's at war.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Even if she knows that this guy's safe and loves her and been together 10 years.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You're not going to like my answer. Can I be direct?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You can't give her something that she doesn't want from you. And if she's not asking for your help, you trying to go back and heal the past with future behaviors is an impossible task. And what you end up doing is giving her more work to do.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So you are carrying around an immense amount of guilt for what happened as a kid, when she was a kid. And looking back, there's lots of woulda, coulda, shouldas. And I would agree with you. You should have done things differently. But it's easy for me to armchair quarterback this thing 20 years later. And I'm not going to do that to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
What I will tell you is the only thing on planet Earth you can deal with is what happens next. Not trying to figure out ways to duct tape and wallpaper and stitch up what happened in the past.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Go have breakfast with her every week.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Anita, that's different. And let's be honest. If everything I put on the table, you're going to be like, well, I already do that. That's not what I mean. What you're doing right now isn't bringing you peace. And so you're going to have to do something different. Having the kids over and having quote-unquote contact is different than every week you and her are going to get coffee together.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
One of those is you have a job, she's got a job, you get in the routine, you get in the dance, the kids come around and play, you kind of half-hearted with them. It's a numbing device. It's awesome and it's good and it's long-term relationship building and those kids are going to have fond memories of grandma's house forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But that's not the same thing as every week you and daughter go look across the table from each other at a diner and say, how are you? Because right now she's not calling you saying, mom, I keep blowing up on my partner. I keep screaming at this man. How do I stop this? She's not doing that.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. I have a rule in my life that I don't answer questions I'm not asked. And I also draw pretty firm lines if I'm not being invited into ugly, rude, destructive, soul-crushing behavior, I will say, hey, I don't want to be a part of this. Or maybe I might occasionally ask the old Dr. Phil line, how's that working for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You could also make up the story that after three years of the sun being out in her life, everything being smoke and haze and ash, She saw through the haze you, a light, someone who could bring her some joy, make her laugh again. Someone she could imagine herself having his hand in her hand. And that would be one of the most empowering, uplifting, turn, like write a new story with energy.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But listen, you can say all the right things. It doesn't matter. Her healing will have to come. Y'all's relationship will have to be healed from the nervous system out, from the inside out. And that can only be done. That cannot be done with words. That can't be done with, she calls you once a week and throws grenades at you or tells you about the grenades she threw at somebody else.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
She absolves herself and goes right back in. It will be solved with gentle over and over and over consistent showing up and showing up and showing up. And it's very not sophisticated. It's very not like highbrow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Happy New Year! This is John. I don't know why I'm yelling. I was not going to yell. That's one of the things I'm not going to do in 2025. The world's yelling. I'm going to be more chill. So, let me do that over. Hey, Happy New Year, everybody. I'm glad that you're joining us on the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hopefully, you are still on vacation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
happens with that intentional deliberate contact and it's not what i'm saying at all actually okay there's a strong difference significant difference between communication and connection y'all are communicating all the time text message phone call dropping the kids off that is different than that is that is twinkies and gummy candies to steak and salad
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
That's it. That's the place to lean in. And that might mean you sit down with her and say, I would love it if you came to a relationship counselor with me. You're the most important relationship I have left in this world. And her body has GPS pins probably in y'all's connected relationship. Oh, I'm sure.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And so hiding from those or pretending they don't exist because we communicate via text message between phone calls where she just talks nonstop, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, and hangs up. Listen, I can text my wife, I love you a hundred times today. She will get that data. She'll get that information.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Her body will not exhale until I walk through the door and she sees me across the room, drop my bag with no phone in my hand and smile and say, I'm so glad I'm home. Then her soul, her nervous system will rest. Do you get the difference?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I had to personally go sit down with somebody who specializes in trauma care and body work. There's some people that think it's a woo-woo. I happen to believe in it really strongly that trauma gets stored in your body. It doesn't get stored in your words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And so for me, I had somebody who was specially trained, and they have those in California, specially trained in trauma therapy. And it required me to go back through hell. But she was with me and she had her hand on my shoulder. She had her hand on my elbow. She had her hand on my hand. And it was the first time in my life somebody touched me and they didn't want something from me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But what my body learned over time was it wasn't safe then, but it's safe now. And I have not found anybody anywhere that can talk their way into safety.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Yeah, but the way your body is trying to resolve them hasn't worked.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And so we have to deal with the anxiety. And that means the way you deal with anxiety is directly through it. So maybe it's not you talking, just walking right in and ripping the wound open. All right, tell me what happened. That's horrific therapy, by the way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Almost all good therapy when you're dealing with hard trauma starts with a season of teaching you skills on regulation, on breathing, on exhale, on how to tap your legs, on how to think through, how to process, let things move through you. So that when you get to the hard parts, you've got a set of skills underneath you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And I think more importantly, you've developed a sense of safety with another person in the room with you. That's how our bodies are regulated with other people. And so we can only ever truly feel safe if the person we're in the room with or people we're in the room with are also safe. You can't just be in the room with some cold shoulder saying, all right, well, then what happened?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And you go through it, your body's going to start ringing every alarm bell it has. And so what I would tell you is if you've been seeing somebody for two years and you have panic attacks thinking about going to see them, stop. Listen to your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. Is this making sense? Like you have to decide this. Here's what I think it comes down to, Anita. You have to decide. I lived and experienced hell. I was married to a very, very abusive evil man. And my daughter was there too. And I didn't... I would do anything to go back and protect her, get her out of there, get me out of there.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And I can't because what has happened has happened, has appeared at the end. And now I'm watching my daughter both recreate in some minor way what happened, what she experienced, and... I'm reaching for her in the dark, but my body is still scared to death about what happens next.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And if you can metabolize that reality, then you can come to the belief that you're not going to therapy as punishment for what happened or what you didn't do years ago. You're going to counseling, you're going to therapy, you're doing the trauma work so that
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
because you're worth it so that you can have a peaceful rest of your life because i think what's happened is your daughter's trying desperately to plug into you and it's still electric because you still have the shame and you still have the guilt and you still have the trauma so close to the surface And you think all you're worth is some text messages and her calling you and yelling at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And you're worth so much more than that. You're worth peace. And that also means you've got to set down the bricks of shame that you've been carrying for so long. You've got to set them down. And when you get anxious, you've got to get with somebody who's trained and go right through the anxiousness. Not around it. Right through it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Sometimes that is not talking about your traumatic situation, but maybe hearing somebody read a story or maybe drawing a picture first, but slowly heading into it. And I personally have experienced
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
body work related to trauma i personally have witnessed seen emdr i've met with countless students who have learned emdr and brain spotting and tapping all these different modalities all these different techniques all to say is there's ways that you process this through your body and then you move through it but the goal has to be on the other end i'm setting this down i'm not carrying it anymore his influence on my life is going to end
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
He is going to stop impacting every minute of every hour of every day of my life. And I have a goal that I want peace. I want to be able to fall asleep at night. I want to be able to reconnect with my daughter. That's the path here and that's the story here. And it's easy to get stuck in a loop. It's easy to say, I've been trying. It's not working. It's not working.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay, if what you're doing is not working,
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
good you got more data let's try something else and if you've been with somebody for two years and they still make you have a panic attack cool I'm gonna go see somebody else this isn't working but the goal is gonna be he controls my life not one second more then I'm gonna go run headfirst screaming out into the field to grab my daughter and I'm not gonna try to go heal her quote-unquote mental health issues I'm not gonna Google what's wrong with her
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I'm going to be a safe, peaceful place for her. I'm going to work as hard as I can to get to that place. You're both worth it. Thanks for the call, Anita. We'll be right back. All right, before we get back to the show, let's talk about Organifi. Listen, health and wellness is an adventure and a journey. It's not a destination.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You can never eat so great or work out so hard on one particular day that you're good for the next month. Being well and healthy is something you work on every single day. And I'm not perfect, like not by a long shot. And chances are you're not either. Our health and wellness journeys have stops and starts and highs and lows, victories and setbacks.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
One way to make both of our journeys easier is to make consistently healthy choices about what we eat and drink. That's why I love Organifi, because their whole food blends contain only the best plant-based, certified organic, vegan, dairy-free, and soy-free ingredients. And Organifi makes it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix it with water or your favorite healthy beverage.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Their green juice is great in the morning and it's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind, and support you throughout the day. Organifi red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina, and recovery. And don't forget the pure juice and those happy drops. Make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Go to Organifi.com slash Deloney right now to save 20% at checkout with code Deloney. That's O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney for 20% off. All right, we're back. Hey, thanks for joining us today. I wish your new year's going to be, I hope your new year's off to an amazing start.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Yeah. You don't love her better through a teenage romance.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
We're going to do a special segment during the next show about what I'm doing this new year and what I want to challenge you all to do in the new year. And don't forget, this show can be streamed, the video and the audio in the Ramsey Network app, and you can get the shows a week early. If you just can't wait, you can get them a week early in the Ramsey Network app.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You learn to love her better by asking her in the present. How can I love you better? You're trying to do it through him. You're trying to become him. You can't be.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So get everything early exclusive and for free by clicking the link in the show notes and downloading the Ramsey Network app today. If you go out to eat this week, I want you to prepare. Go prepared. And I want you to tip outrageously. I want you to tip obnoxiously. And I want you to leave a note that says, I saw you and I'm grateful for your hard work. Thank you for showing up for me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Thank you for showing up for me and my date. Thank you for showing up for me and my family. And I want you to give somebody at the beginning of this new year a little extra light. A little, as great Vinnie Tortorich says, some coal in the furnace to help get their train a little bit further down the track. We're going to change everything this year. A bunch of tiny wins.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
We're going to pick up trash. We're going to tip really well. We're going to let other people walk in front of us in the door. We're going to say thank you. We're going to do the workout and we don't want to. We're going to not get that extra handful of candy. That was for me. And if you're Kelly, you're not going to get any more tattoos. You're done. You've got to be done.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Your liver is like, I can't process any more foreign bodies. We're going to change everything this year. Tiny win by tiny win. I love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye. Hey, what up? What up? Listen, the latest episode of my docuseries, United States of Anxiety, is available right now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Yeah. Why are you, why are you, I'm sounding accusational and I don't mean to be. What is it about you that you don't think you're worth being the lens that you want to be loved through?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Each episode follows a caller from my show on a 90-day journey to transform their life. You want to know the cool part? I personally walk alongside them throughout it all. This episode features Kelsey, whose battle with severe anxiety is putting her most important relationships at risk. And you can only watch this show on the Ramsey Network app.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So make sure you download the app and dive in right now. And while you're there, you can also binge episodes of the Dr. John Deloney Show On Demand and other Ramsey Network shows like The Ramsey Show. And did I mention this app is free? Go ahead and download the Ramsey Network app right now. Go, go.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Or why do you keep inserting him as the lens into the glasses that you're wearing with which you see her?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I mean, what's it protecting you from? What's it protecting me from?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And what's a possibility that could happen if you put your whole self into this?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
There you go. Yeah. That's it. Exhale on that. Sit on it. Yeah. The only way love works... The only way a long-term romantic relationship works is if both people say, this is all of me, do you still love me? And if somebody says, this is most of me, but I got to keep this over here to the side, or this is enough of me, ultimately, that relationship fails.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
It either fails with two people who just decide to be roommates forever, or it fails, somebody goes and finds somebody else because they need oxygen, and the other person's withholding oxygen. So I think what you're feeling for like a first time grown up, how old are you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Yeah, first time grown up. I could actually make plans with this person. We have a long-term high school girlfriend. You're not thinking like we could get married. Well, you're having that thought now, right? We could make a family. We could have kids, buy a house together. You're realizing how terrifying that proposition is. And so I think your terror is very well earned.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I know you're not, but it's fun and just a dream, isn't it? And I hope that you are launching into a new year, whether you got new goals, new identities you're trying to work into. You've got some things that you want to be different this year. Man, I really hope that you are off to a great, great start. And your 2025 is going to be something special.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I think it's grossly unfair to lay that at the feet of her deceased boyfriend from three years ago. Yeah. And it's unfair for her to carry your insecurity. A hundred percent. Have you ever sat down with her and said, I think you're pretty amazing and I just wonder if I'm enough? I have. What'd she say? You're amazing. Does she lie to you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Okay. then I think the thing you need to practice, and this isn't a moral issue or a character issue or a defect issue. This is a skill set issue. Something you got to practice. You've never shot free throws. You got to shoot free throws. That's just kind of it. You have to practice sitting uncomfortably when she says, I love you, and it doesn't feel like it yet or it feels scary.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And over time, you'll feel more comfortable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But think of it this way. That's your mind. Yeah. Taking two hands and shoving away somebody who's trying to hug you. Yeah. Don't do that. I don't want to do that. It's violent, right? Don't do that. And also, it's probably worth the time. It's probably worth your effort. And it's probably got roots all the way back into when you were younger.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
But there's a reason why your mind and nervous system are trying to protect you. Maybe you got hurt real bad when you were a kid. Maybe mom laughed when you were a kid. Maybe dad was supposed to love you. I don't know. Maybe your older sister or older brother. Who knows? But somewhere back in there, your body learned that true vulnerability will get you squashed. Or it's never experienced it ever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
It's never experienced the peace of being fully seen and fully loved, which is what you should get from your parents. And so for whatever reason, When this new amazing relationship, this new young woman says, hey, no, I love you. You're amazing. Your body's instinct, your nervous system, your chest, your instinct is to shove her away. And so we're going to practice not shoving her away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
We're going to practice saying these words. I believe you. We're going to practice consciously pulling our shoulders down. We're going to practice consciously smiling. I believe you. I believe you. And she's going to hold your hands up in the desert even when you don't have the strength and energy to do it. And you're going to learn.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And if you keep thinking of him and you keep bringing him back up in your mind, I want you to go see a counselor. Go see a therapist. Go talk to somebody. Because again, it's your body trying to protect you. But I think we need to let this young man who passed away, let's let him go rest. He's done enough work. And he's going to be present in her heart and especially in her heartbreak forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
extraordinary go make it so on the show we talk about mental and emotional health we talk about your relationships we talk about whatever you got going on in your life and if you want to be on the show give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 it's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask a s k all right let's roll out to new york new york and talk to michael what's up michael Can you hear me?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
He's going to be part of her. It's different than love, but he's going to be part of her life story. But he's not yours to pick up and use as glasses to view her and your relationship and your self-worth. That's not his job. Your job is to make peace and to begin to find strength and confidence in who you are and what you want, what you need, and what love you can bring to the table.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
And most importantly, what love you can accept. Thanks for the call, my brother. I really appreciate you reaching out, man. Practice these things and head into it. Sometimes the scariest, hardest thing to do is just to trust the person looking at us saying, no, no, no, I choose you. We look behind our shoulder to see who they're talking to, and we realize, no, they're talking to us.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So we're going to practice accepting it. Because you're worth being loved, my brother. We'll be right back. I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of Bond Charge products with my own money, and I love them. Red light and near-infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer-reviewed studies, with 400-plus studies being double-blind placebo trials.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one has shown any negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite stretch marks, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I use my red light therapy panels and mask both near infrared light and red light 10 to 20 minutes each day and sometimes more. And I often do this during my prayer and meditation time or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It's become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. I've also ordered Bond Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and bulbs for my home, and more.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Bond Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices. Go to bondcharge.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 15% off your order. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. And everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and otherwise building a better life. But we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
So how about this year, let's focus on fewer sustainable goals and building better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your soul. Let's start by focusing on our spiritual lives. In 2025, let's focus on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Halo offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Halo has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect for beginners to start with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from the show The Chosen.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and fostering a community for accountability. So start this year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow.
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow.com slash Deloney for three months of hallow, absolutely free. Let's go out to San Diego, California and talk to Jenna. What's up, Jenna?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I got you, man. How's it going? Good, man. How are you? Fantastic, brother. What's up?
The Dr. John Delony Show
Her First Boyfriend Died . . . I’m the New Guy
I have an immediate thought, but I'm going to hold. I'm going to hold. Tell me what happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And when you sign up with Delete Me, it's decluttering your digital life and removing a source of anxiety at the same time. So stop scammers and spammers before the problems start and take back control with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com right now.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com. All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com, that's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho and talk to Megan. What's up, Megan?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And I can almost, I can almost hear the shame in your question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is your body.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're just trying to talk it out. Talk it out. Just sit with it for a second, okay? I can hear it on you. I can hear it on you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Have you done dumb things over the last 10 years?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
No, I don't ever believe outside of, yes, some serious physical challenges. I don't ever believe in any marriage around any issue that the phrase, this is how I am. I don't ever think that's okay. And I don't think it's okay to cheat either.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I know, I know, I know. But A, I want you to fully own it. And I'll even go as far to, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but due to your frustration and due to your heartbreak and due to feeling like you're being rejected, you became somebody you never thought you would become.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I know, I know. But you're already going back to, well, it's actually how I was raised. It's actually how I'm being treated. No. Listen, all the way to the beginning. I heard it right when you called. I just want you to sit with it for a second.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay. And there's a ton of reasons and we'll talk about some of them. But there's so much deflecting going on.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Just sit with it for a second. You're in a marriage that you go home to every day. You got four kids, you said, so you got a house of chaos.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you're looking at somebody in the storm saying, will you come meet me here in the storm? And he says, no, I ain't coming.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Now, let's dig into the truth of that. Tell me about his medical condition.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
What has he done to try to solve the issue?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Um, so has he tried Cialis or has he tried any of those, the medications, just the, the easy ones?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
No. How old are you? I'm 20. Bro. Yeah, man. Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. Yeah, man. I'm smiling, but it's like out of horror for you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Hold on. I think there's another option here beneath it. Because if he was struggling with ED, which is a increasingly common phenomenon for a million different reasons. Yeah. And A, he looked at you and was like, I don't come hell or high water. I'm going to every doctor in the country to solve this problem because I want to be with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And on the nights when his body just wasn't working as he wanted it to, he was singularly focused on making sure there's not going to be an orgasm gap in my house, which is the literature name for it that's happening all across. The orgasm gap is well known, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And it was completely focused on, all right, it's not working for me tonight, but you're about to have the night of your life. And we're going to go again tomorrow. If that was happening, my guess is you would be on the same team. It wouldn't be this me versus him. And so what you're suggesting, here's what I'm putting on the table. I think that you're saying, I really want to be with you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And he's saying, nah, I don't really want to be with you. That's the way it feels.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And he's, and by the way, I do feel that way. I've talked to countless men. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's something that men think about all day because it's just not, you know, there's no feeling there. It's not working. I totally get that. And I have to be an adult. Husbands have to be grownups and say, okay, I'm not going to let my shame completely rob and starve my partner.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
So let's deal with that actual issue because when you keep making it something mechanical, y'all are avoiding the big issue.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Because when you bring it up, he feels ashamed and his way of responding to his shame is he comes after you and y'all get in this dance. And then you keep dancing, you keep dancing and then somebody at work says, my God, you're beautiful. And then you go do something completely stupid.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
It is. It's frustrating. But do you see how you've created this world where everything is happening to you, and he's created a world where he's a victim in his own body, so he quits?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
How old are you? I'm 20. Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. What's going on? What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your... Man, it's tough to be in relationships these days.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
It's not frustrating. It is heartbreaking. Counseling 101 is not to put words in your client's mouth. And so I'm doing that here and I'm sorry. But I think you keep minimizing it. And your body is screaming at you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking that now. There's no way.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you're like, well, this is just really frustrating. And then you tell yourself a dishonest story, which is it just builds up and I can't help myself. That's not true. You can.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
It's not about sex. Let's take sex off the table for a second, okay?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I know, but I almost guarantee you that's in other places in your marriage. Does this happen with money?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
There you go minimizing it again. Right? Y'all aren't on the same page with how you obtain, save, and spend money. And what that means is you're not in alignment on what do you want this year to look like. And that means you're not in alignment on in five years, where do we want to live? And that means you're not in alignment on in 15 years, where do we want our kids to go to college?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And that plays out minute by minute. What about holiday plans? How do y'all decide where you're going to travel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And that's another... Okay, so do you hear this recurring theme? You're married to somebody who has opted out of his own life. Sex is a part of it. And sex is the part for most people when they feel dead in their own skin... Pornography makes them feel alive. That guy at work that's like, my God, you're beautiful, makes you feel alive.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Yes. But that's deep. That's a piece of it. I think wanted is the story you tell yourself. And I may be out to lunch. Yeah. I think beneath that is you are trying to co-create a life with somebody that looked at you and said, I am out. Or to put it another way, he left you a long time ago. He just still lives in the same house. I don't want to talk to you about our future.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I don't want to talk to you about your needs. I don't want to talk to you about what you want. I don't want to talk to you about how we spend money. I don't want to talk to you about how we go on vacation. I want to just opt out. The direct deposit's happening. You should be happy. I'm going back to my beer and my video games.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Yes. You're a person of integrity. Good call, man. Excellent. Well done, brother.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay, but that is the definition of nagging. Here's the difference between taking them on. I'm not leaving this room until you engage with me. If I'm not more important than your beer and I'm not more important than your phone, and I'm not more important than you have a little checklist, I played with the kids, I put two of them to bed, I changed a diaper, leave me alone.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
If I'm not more important to you than that, then I want you to be a grown man and tell me you've left this marriage. On the other side, Megan, you can't cheat because you become somebody that you don't respect anymore. And it's hard to request somebody else treat you differently than you know yourself to be inside. Right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you probably spend money on the side or you have conversations on the side or you vent on the side. It's all about you're starting to circumvent the life that you had. So he's quit his life. You're starting to go around it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And the only path is through it. And so, yes, when it comes back to an ultimatum, I think an ultimatum here is fair, but it's not about sex. And the more you make it about ED, the more you make it about, I tried Viagra, didn't work, lay off, the more y'all are missing the point. Here's the next path. Okay, you ready? And I say this all the time. I'm going to keep saying it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Hey, honey, I've got someone to come watch our four kids. I want you and me to go to breakfast tomorrow or on Saturday. And I need you to be fully with me. No phones. You can bring a piece of paper, somebody need you to be fully with me. Oh God, what are we talking? No, no, no. I just need you to be with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And when you sit down, say, I've got the very clear message that you no longer want to be married to me. And I also have the very clear, and you can say from your, like, I have done these things. And the story I'm telling myself is because I've done these things, you no longer want to be married with me. I need to know now, do you still want to be married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Because if you do, we got to build something completely new. And that means I need you fully engaged. And that means I need you to hear me say, I'm sorry that I have blown up my side of this marriage and done things that I never thought I would do. Exhale. Exhale. That means he's going to have to learn new skills. He's going to have to have uncomfortable conversations with multiple doctors.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
He's going to have to be willing to be awkward with you in the bedroom, and when it's not happening, be like, all right, it's my turn. Batter up, right? He's going to have to go through that shame and awkwardness, and you're going to have to be willing to go, I'm ready to go. Ah, man, I thought it was going to be wild intercourse night. It's not. We're going to go to plan B and C and D, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you're all going to work together. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Right? But all of that will be predicated on does he even want to be married to you? And his behavior, behavior as a language, is he is out. Have that conversation. I'm happy to talk to him, and you call me back anytime, and we'll get you back through and put you back on the show. I want to know how that conversation goes. Okay? Go straight into the conversation.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Thank you so, so much for the call. You're not broken. There's not something wrong with you. You've done dumb things, but there's not something wrong with you. Now it's here we are. What are we going to do next? We've chosen misery. What if we chose to do something amazing next? Coming up, we have a woman who is wondering about the repercussions of her upcoming plastic surgery with her kids.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Stay tuned. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm so excited to tell you about my friends at Bonn Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium-sized screens, and big screens. And all this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and studies are showing it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, all of it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I've got the mask and I'm so excited to use it. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
That's bondcharge, B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button if you're watching us on YouTube or the subscribe button if you're listening on podcast. Thank you so, so, so much. All right, let's go out to Rio Rancho, New Mexico. I love Rio Rancho, New Mexico. And talk to Celine Dion.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Celine, this is the first time somebody's asked this question on the show. It's a phenomenal question.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Yeah. So brother, I'm just going to tell you right out of the gate. I'm sorry. Thank you. 20-year-olds are not supposed to find condoms in their car after their mom borrows it. Like, that's not supposed to happen. No. On 50 different levels. And, brother, I got to applaud you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
No, I totally got you. Like out of one corner of your mouth, you're telling your daughters, you're beautiful and you're strong and you could do anything and you're always enough no matter what. And then you look in the mirror and you hate what you see, huh?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I get it. It's tough, man. It's tough. Super tough. Yeah. All right. So go all the way back. How long have you... You want to get rhinoplasty? Get a nose job?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay. How long have you been frustrated? Yeah, go all the way back.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
What does... Okay, this is a twofold question, okay? Mm-hmm. Like this is ringing true to me in such an amazing way and in a powerful way. Okay. And I think I've been pretty open to show about my body image issues for my whole life. And I love that you pointed it back to a one interaction with a 10 year old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Cause I can pull my issues back to like three or four different conversations with random people that I would not take money advice. I wouldn't take parenting. I don't even know where some of these people are. But their voice, man, they have a seat at my table when it comes to appearances, right? So tell me about what your husband says.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Your mom put you in an impossible situation, which is, at some level, hey, the fate of this family staying together now rests on you, 20-year-old Joey. Yeah. And that is stone cold unfair. And you did the right thing by saying, hey, you have this much time and I'm not going to contribute to the lack of integrity in this house by also me becoming a liar in the process. Not going to do it. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And then... I'm interested in... Well, I'm interested in this. Why does... And there's not really a right or wrong answer to this question, but I'm just fascinated by it. When you're sitting in front of, do you have one of those sit down like chairs that you put your makeup on or do you stand up in front of your mirror when you're looking at it in the morning?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay. So imagine that 10 year old boy next to you and an incredible husband and the father of your kids next to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
why does the 10 year old's voice matter more or why is it more honest than your husband's and your guts?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
That's it. The voices that we heard as kids from our parents, from friends, from knuckleheaded little 10 year olds. Oh my gosh, you're fat. Oh my gosh, you're so flat chested. Oh my gosh, you have zits. Oh my God. Like whatever the thing is. Over time, that becomes our voice. Right? Yeah. So I'm going to ask you a hard question. Okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
It's going to sound cruel, but this is me just kind of calling it out. Be completely honest with me.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I don't, I want to say the last thing I, the last thing I read was that that was kind of debunked, but I may be wrong. So I don't know. I don't know. Um, so you're telling me it's a little bit bigger than average, right? How many people since that 10 year old, or have you ever been like in college when you were leaning to kiss a guy? Did you like just jab him in the eye?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Have you ever like been walking out a door and you turn to say something, somebody in your nose just whams the side of the door? No. Okay. So you're telling me like objectively, I am one and a half points on our imaginary scale, bigger than average.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And my husband says, my God, I saw your face and I want to spend the rest of my life with that face.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And, let's be honest, sometimes those voices don't matter. There's a voice inside of you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
So give me not two days after because you've probably seen those after surgery photos. It looks like you've gotten a car wreck, right? I know, yeah. Wake up two months post-surgery and you look in the mirror. Not what are you going to see because they're going to get it from a six down to a three, maybe a four. Okay. So what are you going to feel?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I'm proud of you. I'm so proud of you, dude, because I know that's hard because it's also your mother. No matter how gross and like weirded out this is, it's also your mom, right? Yeah. All right. So how can I help, man? What can I do for you?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
So do you think this surgery will unwind 18 years of feeling less than or not feeling beautiful enough?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I don't care now. You're all grown up now. I'm talking about nine-year-old you. Seven-year-old you. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay. Your dad's struggles with addictions were not because he had an amazing, beautiful little daughter. And your mom trying to survive was not on you. But my guess is somewhere along the way, you got the message internally that something in your home was wrong and it was because something was wrong inside of you. Did you and your dad ever come back together?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
So no. Okay. Yeah. And here's what I'm, here's what I want to get to. If you want to get, um, rhinoplasty, um, people get like, people get braces, people get breast augmentation. I mean, we're in a world where you can kind of do whatever you want. Right.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
You can go to the doctor and just change everything about you. Okay? I'm not going to sit here and judge that. I'm not. I'll even say this. I got my teeth whitened, so I'm in the same boat. Okay? It haunted me since I was a little kid. I'm wearing a shirt that's a little bit too big because I'm at a weight right now that's about 10 pounds higher than I've walked around with most of my adult life.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay. So I'm playing cover up too. Okay. So there's no possible way I could sit here with any sort of integrity and be like, no, you're beautiful on the inside. You should never, I'm not going to say that. Right. You got to be able to look yourself in the mirror and feel good. Okay. And I want you to be able to breathe. Right. And on the other side of it,
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
All the data you're giving me is some kids when they're in a house where a parent struggles with addiction, when they're struggling with a parent that they've got to prop up emotionally, they go to smarts. I want everyone to think I'm smart. Some people go to beauty. I always want to be beautiful. Some people go to desire.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I'll sleep with 40 people because I want you, I need you to tell me that I'm beautiful, even if it's for an hour. Some people go to just covering up the whole thing with substances. Some people say, I'm going to go do it with achievement and money. But for whatever reason, you pegged beauty. And some 10-year-old gave you a ticket that said, there it is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And I don't know how this works with all the brain chemicals, but somehow your body connected. I'm guessing. Again, I'm guessing. Something's wrong with me. Because if something wasn't wrong with me, my dad would hug me. If something wasn't wrong with me, my mom would stop and just hold my face and tell me, my God, you're beautiful. And then this 10-year-old idiot says, God, you got a big nose.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you're like, oh, that's it. Right? And it just gets stamped in a GPS pin right in the middle of your chest and it just goes off forever.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Does it matter that your dingbat husband can't keep his hands off you? Does it matter that your daughter thinks she's the most beautiful kid that ever lived because she looks just like her mom? No. The data doesn't matter. It's just the emotions. Also, I can't honestly tell you that I have seen any data on the childhood psychological impact of adult parent... Plastic surgery.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I'm going to go look that up because it's a fascinating question. I think it's fascinating. But anecdotally, I think you're, my gut tells me you're right. That it would be very strange for a daughter who keeps saying, look how much I look like my mommy and everywhere they go, she's like, oh my gosh, you look just like your mom. You're just as beautiful as your mom is.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I know, but listen, you can't carry this. Like they're, they're 30 year married couple. They're what? 50 or 60 years old. Yeah, you can't carry this. You're 20. I don't mean to kick you while you're down. I couldn't carry this for my parents. They have to be grown adults and do the next right thing for them to stay well individually and to decide, do we want to stay married?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And then mom says, yeah, there's something wrong with me. I can't imagine that a child would internalize that. I don't want to put that on you. I know that's heavy, but I can't imagine that there wouldn't be some sort of algorithm cranking off in your four-year-old's mind to be like, oh, got it. Okay, so when I'm older, I'm going to do this too.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I'm going to tell you, I don't want to tell you what to do. I don't want you to get up this phone and be like, if I ever do this, this has been my dream since I was a little girl. If I do this, there's something wrong with, there's not. I think you're going to have some hard conversations with your daughters as they grow up about what beauty is and all that kind of stuff.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
But also we live in a wild age, right? Yeah. I'm pretty sure in a few years you'll be able to gene edit, like everyone's just going to come out looking like a supermodel, right? Because you'll be able to just AI. I don't know if that's true or not, but you will have to have some hard conversations, and I trust that you can have those.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I trust you're a great mom, and I trust your husband loves you like crazy, and y'all can figure that out. I'm more concerned with you understanding that beauty will always come from the inside out. And I'm so, so sorry your dad didn't tell you on a day-to-day basis how beautiful you are. And I'm so sorry that your mom didn't tell you how beautiful you were.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And I'm so grateful that you're a mom that makes sure her daughters know how beautiful they are every day. Does your husband tell them that they're beautiful?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Good. Yes. Good. Yeah. Every day. Every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And their eyes are going to roll out the back. Dude, I think my daughter's going to lose her eyes out the back of her head. She rolls them back so far. But she's going to hear it from her dad every day.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Right? So I think I jumbled everything up and didn't give you a clear answer. But the objective data you gave me is you're an amazing, beautiful person. And you're an amazing, loved, beautiful woman. And there's a story on loop that somehow says, if this was just different, then everything from the past would be okay. And that means everything in the future will be okay.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
You're a gangster, dude. Thank you so much. I tell you, thank you so much for the call. Um, man, this is a, this is a tricky one. This is a really, really tricky one. Um, especially as there's just so, so much technology. So thank you, Celine, for letting me talk it out. For the listeners, thank you all for letting me just talk this one out in real time as I was experiencing it in real time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Man, it's a big one. This is a big one. And I love, love, love talking to parents who see themselves through the eyes of their kids and they start to say, wait a minute, I don't think this story I've been telling myself my whole life is true. And what kind of impact am I going to have in this family tree? You're amazing, Celine. Thank you so, so much. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
You've heard me say it a thousand times, and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And yes, therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist, and let's be honest, a lot of you should too. And taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And listen, we spend time and money on so many things. Going to the gym, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. We wear tracker watches. But listen, when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. We hold back on the expense or on the time.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health and all these other things in your life. And the good news? BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month-long waiting lists.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
You just get online and fill out a short survey, and you get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit... You can switch at any time for no extra cost. Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Kelly, am I the problem?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And if we do, what is that going to look like? And you cannot participate in that. Okay. You can love your dad and you can say, dad, I'll go have a drink with you or you can't drink yet, but I'll go have coffee with you. I'll go get a bagel in New York with you. I'll go do whatever with you. Um, but I'm not going to talk about mom. That's for you and your counselor.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Just call your mom. Just call your mom. You can bring it up to her. You can start a whole thing, and it's going to be like, well, just call your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Or my mother-in-law used to always call me and drive me crazy. Who knows what story your mom's telling you? Just call your mom. If she says, I don't want to talk to you, or she makes it very clear she doesn't want to be around you or your kids, that's a whole other story. Let me put it this way. Stop keeping score. Just stop keeping score.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Like don't keep a secret tally mark of I've called you nine times. She calls me two. That's not fair. Just call your mom. If you want to talk to your mom, call your mom. And tell her, if you ever want to, Mom, you call me sometime. With a smile on your face. Okay, I don't want to bother you. You're never bothering me, Mom. Never, ever, ever, ever. You call me anytime. Come visit me anytime.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
You're never bothering me. We love it when you come. Okay, just want to make sure. All right, cool. But yes, just call your mom. Just call your mom. Just call your mom. Just call your mom. Sound good, Kelly? Perfect. Can I ask you a hard question?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you can just edit this out if you don't want to answer it.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I feel like those who have lost their mom, this becomes a much deeper just freaking call your mom.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Just call your mom. That should be the name of the show. The Dr. John Deloney Show, colon, just call your mom. Just call your mom. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Be kind to one another. Bye.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
That's for you and your buddies. That's for you and your pastor. That's for you and whoever, but he's got to have adult friends that he can lean on and adult professionals to lean on. He can't burden his 20 year old son with this. Okay. And I know that makes you feel the one thing that all men, especially 20 year olds are taught to avoid at all costs. And that is feeling powerless.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Whether you're dating, you're trying to date, or trying to figure out how to be married in a culture that is obsessed with you not being married very well. Man, trying to raise kids in a sideways world. trying to, man, deal with in-laws, all of it. Or if you're dealing with your mental and emotional health or you're dealing with all of that in a big cocktail, that's what this show is about.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And men are taught when you feel powerless, you just start swinging. When you feel powerless, you just start jawing. When you feel powerless, you just start shooting. When you feel powerless, you just start drinking. And so the biggest challenge you're going to have is, is keeping your wits about you and doing the next right thing for a while. Yeah.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Not trying to drink this away, not trying to ignore this away, not trying to lie this away, but also not trying to solve it. It's just this uncomfortable tension that's just going to be for a while. And dude, you didn't do anything to cause it. I'm sorry it happened.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And let me tell you, that's a great blessing you give to your dad. Yeah. That I'll love you no matter what. You want to keep this marriage together, I'm going to love you. And you say, I'm out, I'm going to love you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
that's a great blessing you are wise beyond your years my man it's an honor to get to talk to you likewise but what I don't want you to do is this will start welling up after the initial smoke wears away and right now you mentioned it feels like you're a ghost like you're in a fog it will turn to anger and rage okay and what I want you to be very careful of is what you do when you're angry
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
All right. But here's the deal. Are you living at home? I am. All right. It's time to move out. It's time to find a place to go. Are you in school?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Okay, I think it might be time for a grand adventure. Are you good at construction? Pretty decent, yeah. Well, here's what I know about you. You're a person of high, high wisdom and high integrity at 20 years old. You either went through some crap as a kid, or your parents raised you really well. Which one is it? A little bit of both. A little bit of both. Okay. You've seen the world. Fair?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Sure, yeah. You've seen some stuff? Yep. All right. I don't want you to lose that wisdom. And it might be that you get one of your brothers and you say, hey, let's move to Texas for a year. And let's just work construction. They're building solar panel farms like crazy. Let's go get on one of those crews. And let's get an apartment. Let's go on an adventure. I'm 20 years old.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I'd say go knock your lights out. If you'll hang on the phone, I'm going to hook you up as my free gift. I'm going to hook you up with my buddy. Ken Coleman wrote a book, Work Your Wire to Do, and it's got a career assessment in there. I'm going to get that for you for free. I'm also going to send you his book. It was the number one bestseller. It's called The Proximity Principle.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Me sitting with whoever you happen to be all over the world, hurting people everywhere, trying to figure out what's the next right move for me to make. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and fill out the form and send it in, and we will see if we can build a show with you in it. I'd love to have you on the show. For real.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And basically it's an end around. It just teaches you how to put yourself in conversations and around people that can enlighten you to the next step. And if you want to get into sales, here's the thing. The whole world moves at the speed of sales. If you're good at selling and you're a person of wisdom and you're a person of integrity, bro, the world is yours.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And so if there's somebody on your construction team that does the sales part of the job, you may come in and say, man, I think I want a future in sales. If you don't mind being told no a lot, you don't mind being uncomfortable, you're clearly pretty good at navigating that. Bro, the world can be yours. Yeah. Or just go get a job in retail, man. You're not doing anything anyway.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Go get a job at two different retail places and just work on sales. go get a job in a car dealership and go get a job at a department store, man. And you're not going to make a jillion dollars, but you're going to slowly see how commission works. You're going to slowly see how sales work.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
You're going to slowly see, I'll tell them the truth to a customer when you could get a little bit more out of this one sale. But over time, you're going to get a bunch more if you tell the truth and you, as a salesperson, you're focused on one thing, helping other people. There's that old Zig Ziglar quote. If you help enough people, you don't have to worry about money. That's going to be you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Right. Yep. Bro, the world can be your oyster, but I want you to begin to think about what is life outside of this house and get one or two of your brothers and you all go begin to make your fortune somewhere and just continue to be wise and people of high integrity. Don't borrow money.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Don't put yourself, don't chain yourself to somebody else so you have to do what they say every day and then go get it, my man.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
He's a 50 or 60 year old man. if he had heart trouble or he'd had a hip replacement or he had just had a stroke and he needed hands on deck, um, I could see some 20 year old muscle. I can see a 20 year old saying, Hey, I'm going to, I'm going to take six months of my life off and I'm going to walk alongside my old man when he gets back on his feet.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
But what he needs right now, I'm saying this with all love in my heart. You can't give him.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Yeah. Yeah. It's the hardest thing in the world. There's a moment in all of us when our dads become human. Yep. It's really hard to watch.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
He gave you a great gift. Because one day someone's going to break your heart. One day someone's going to cheat you. One day someone's going to hurt you. And you're going to be able to draw back on this and go, hold on. It's okay for a season to just drop my shoulders and weep. Yep. It's okay to be devastated for a season.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
There would be something wrong with your old man if he got up the next day after finding out his wife of 30 years was cheating on him and he found out the way he found out and he was like, oh, that's cool, man. Got to go make that buck. There'd be something wrong with him. Yeah. The right thing is that he's devastated because he loved hard, right?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And that's what I say. That's what I say with all love and respect. I want you to get out of that environment because you need to see the sun come up again.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
And you need to see, you need to hear the birds chirping again. Yeah. And you need to see a customer smile because you came in their life and you helped them with a problem. And they showed you appreciation for that help by giving you money. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And he needs to go talk to a counselor, your old man. He needs to go talk to a couple of close friends.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
For those of you who've been brave and joined me, thank you so, so much. And for everybody who has hit the subscribe buttons or been listening to us just quietly in the shadows for all those years, thank you so, so much for being in the gang. All right, let's go out to New York and talk to, hey, Joey. What's up, Joey?
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
But you can't bear the weight of that adult marriage on the back of your 20-year-old shoulders. And that's not something wrong with you. That's just reality. Right. Right. Is that cool? That's cool. Brother, hang on the line. I'm hooking up with a couple of free things. And I just want to tell you again, it's been a high honor to get to talk to you.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
I don't get to talk to many 20 year olds that are this high wisdom and that are this high integrity. Keep those two things. Keep those two things. Never lose them. Okay, brother. Thank you. All right, man. You call me anytime. You call me anytime. Thank you. All right, brother. Kelly, before I go to break. I don't even have the words.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
None of that. That's all. Just none of that. We come back. A wife and mother of four wonders, do I just need to put my sexual needs on the back burner? Stay tuned. All right, let's talk about delete me. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
We can all pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch on the digital devices we all have, we can just pretend that we can go about our lives as though every single thing we do isn't being monitored and that our personal information aren't being taken and sold to scumbags on the internet. But... Pretending it's not real doesn't make it true.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
The truth is the digital world is the wild west, and it's a place where your information is bought and sold and stolen without you ever knowing. Think about it. Have you ever gotten a sketchy email that somehow knew way too much about you? Or have you ever had your phone blow up with robocalls? That's not bad luck.
The Dr. John Delony Show
I Caught My Mom Having An Affair
Your personal information is everywhere on the internet and spammers and scammers are hungry to cash in on it unless you do something. And that's why I use and recommend Delete Me. They scour the internet to find your data and they remove it from those creepy data broker websites. They've reviewed over 35,000 sites for me and removed my data from hundreds of them, which saved me countless hours.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You can know this, Sarah, that with AI, college will look different for your kids than it did for us.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Sure. So there's an awesome and then a – let me just check you on it, okay? That will be the year also that one of your parents calls and says, we need to move in with you. So I know in your head probably I want to get to a place where I can just cash flow all of this, and I like that idea. I like that sentiment. And also just be prepared for life to happen along the way too, right?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you put $200 away, you'll be fine.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
The only way it gets, if you see a, and again, this is what higher ed people talk, like me and my colleagues have talked about for years behind closed doors, like just having those, we call them sad lunches, right? If you saw a dramatic number of colleges close, which I don't think is wild speculation.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Then it will make the remaining colleges very, very exclusive and thus very, very expensive. Interesting.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I think the marquee will be on a shared experience. It will be the cultural aspect as much, if not more so than the information. If I've got a personal bot who can just coach me along the way.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
The human element will be... Can I associate and talk to and hang out with other people my age and older? Can I have multiple leaders?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's right. That's right. But Airbnbs didn't exist.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And some parents like you are just steeped in reality. This is how much money I have. Even if I wanted to buy you $6,000 braces, which I do, I want you to have the things that you think are going to make you feel beautiful. I want you to have that. And I don't have those dollars, right? And then there's other parents who, as the kid gets older, they want to
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Exploring that part. It's both and. Do y'all not give at all right now?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
They want to use money and stuff as a proxy for the world that they thought they would have been able to give them had there not been a divorce. I want you to have this fancy car. I want you to have these fancy clothes and this fancy whatever. I want to say yes to everything that you want. What's your relationship with stepmom? Y'all communicate well? Y'all co-parent well?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So here's what you have to do. You have to sit down with your ex-wife and say, hey, could we meet? And I'm glad that y'all are acting like adults. It's awesome. I love it when adults act like adults. It's so good. So rare. So high five to you. And just say, hey, here's my financial situation. Here's where we are.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Okay. What has inspired the question about giving?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It would be honoring to you that she doesn't say, I want to buy this, but your dad's too cheap. Because at the end of the day, that doesn't hurt you as much as it hurts that kid. And so if y'all could come to some sort of agreement on those kind of things, and maybe you can't, and you'll remember, oh, this is why we got divorced in the first place.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Hopefully, she could say, well, in my new world, I've got $5,000. If you could do $1,000, I'm going to tell the kid that we're splitting this together. And y'all work out the money behind closed doors like adults, whatever you can put in there.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But you have a financial reality that you want to stick to, and hopefully y'all can sit down and have an adult conversation and come to some consensus here. We're not getting her a Lexus. That's never possible. I can come up over the next year with $3,500 that I could contribute to a Camry, right? And if you wanted to have a new Camry— I do have a follow-up question. Okay, go ahead.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Don't take out any loans. Please don't.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
God, no. Don't borrow money, but if you have to choose between a bank and your ex-wife, good God, at least there's laws regulating a bank.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And just said, I just want to paint you a picture of how the world works. Here's how much money I got. And your mom loves you and she wants to buy you this. And I love you and I want to buy you this. And here's what reality is.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I know leather seats feel like it's more love. It's really not. Right. Like, um, what would happen if you had that conversation?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
A hundred percent. Because here's what gift you're going to give her, a gift that's infinitely more valuable than braces, Jack. If you sit down and have this conversation with her and say, I know you really want braces. I know right now you don't as much have to have them medically as your teeth make you feel less than and you don't smile.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
There's actually some research about smiling and teeth, okay? But I'm gonna go take a second job here and I'm gonna bust my butt and I'm gonna knock this out for you. And here's my expectation. You're gonna put some skin in the game like Ken said, when it comes to grades or comes to working or whatever. But you showing her that extra hours and that extra work.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You do both. My honest answer would be you start to share years ago because I think generosity is a position. It's a stance you take on the world. When you look at giving as a number, we'll start doing X when we get there. What most people find is their life continues to grow, their needs and their expenses grow with them and that number just, that finish line keeps moving and moving and moving.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I took a second job driving for Amazon when she was at mom's house and you're exhausted and you put that cash on the table. She will understand the value of a dollar infinitely more than you just throwing money at a problem or just saying no to a problem. So I like that, Ken. But all of this starts with real honest conversations.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I get the second half because I like this question.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If retirement means going home and doing nothing.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I have no interest personally either.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I 100% agree. I am also one. I've got one of my closest friends in the world who's counting down the minutes, just counting down the minutes. And so I'm with you. When it comes to work, I have a buddy who has a giant ranch that he –
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
he messes with it you would say it was a hobby but he provides a great place when somebody needs wants to go for a hunt and bring their kid out for their first you know hunt he is he manages this thing so that people have a welcome place to come he's not retired he is not retired he works really hard i love that um he doesn't draw a paycheck right and so um i think i also want to get done to this societal norm thing
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you at 50 years old are financially independent and you're still quote-unquote embarrassed when people ask you what you do, stop. Stop. The reason people work their lives to become financially independent so that they don't have to care what people think.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So giving is a way of being. It's a way of going through the world saying, I got struck by lightning in that I married well. My jobs have been stable. I've worked out. I was left an inheritance. I worked really hard. I owned a small porta potty company. And then all of a sudden, some guy bought 40,000 acres next to us. And now I'm a million, like whatever the posture is, or I'm a person of faith.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And so for some reason you are still attaching your self-worth and your quote-unquote feelings to other people's perceptions and opinions of you. Stop.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Right. You'd go to fewer meetings. Oh, sure. But I'd still come be on the show. Sure, sure.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, I think it goes back to something I heard an AI pontificator talking about. More than a work crisis, more than an economic crisis, we are going to have a massive, especially in the United States, a massive social unrest when it comes to an identity shift. Because in the West, our identities are based on what do you do and how hard do you work at it. That's insane.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you don't answer those questions appropriately, you are seen as less than culturally. And so we don't have a psychology for what if a robot just does it, right? And what if the job that you had as an attorney making $700 an hour goes away because a chat GPT will do it for 35 cents, right? And so we don't have a psychology for that.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So I think it comes down to just breathing the cultural air, which is if you don't have an answer to the question, what do you do? My God, what if you could answer that? I love my life. I hang out with my family. I am currently working on woodworking projects, but I'm also starting a radio building thing. And I play in a punk band on the weekends at 50. Like that should be a great answer.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'm creative. I solve problems for people, et cetera. But anyway, I think I want to be free from other people's allowing other people to speak into my value or quote unquote embarrassment because of how I answer that kind of question. Yes. And amen. And by the way, last one, Enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of hard work is not in opposition to doing hard things and showing up at a scheduled time.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So enjoying the fruits of a lifetime of hard work doesn't mean you stop doing hard work. I think hard work is good for you. And every single nutritional, physical, psychological thing would say, keep doing hard things. So maybe you don't do it with a mean boss or something like that or shareholders, but keep doing hard things while you're enjoying the fruits of your labor.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And everything, every single breath that takes a blessing. And so I'm a pass-through. I'm going to let this thing, I'm going to let so much of this go back to those who need. Whatever your position is, every single psychological study, every single faith community throughout all of human history has wired into it generosity, giving, being a pass-through.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, why would you move up in house? Most people retire and then they decide we're going to, we're going to sell the big house that we raised the family. I'll tell you why we're going to tell him downshift.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Hey, the house I just bought has one of those rad chair lifts in it. I'm coming over tonight. I'm coming over tonight. Well, fair enough, fair enough. Single story.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I know, but I still... If you were at that million mark or more, I'd feel a little bit more comfortable about it. I wouldn't. Yeah, I wouldn't pull $100,000 out when you only have $750,000.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, I wouldn't have that conversation either.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And so for the sake of your soul, not like in a go to church or you go to hell, that's what I'm talking about, but for the sake of your spirit, of your soul, your marriage, your kids, yeah, start giving today. Find causes that matter to you. Find moments that matter to you. Find people that you see that we can be a blessing towards and begin to practice it.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And Ken, I tell people, practice this in little ways, meaning – Wait until you see at a restaurant when you see a waitress who's working five different sections because people didn't show up on their shift and she's exhausted and your food's a little bit late and tip her 100% of the tab and write her a note that says, we saw how hard you're working. We're grateful for you.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
No, that doesn't have anything. What's your interest rate on that? Do you know? It's all interest rate.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Call my friends at Churchill Mortgage right when you get off this call and see about a refinance in that house.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Then I'm putting the rest of it in a savings account. It's going to be in my emergency fund because I'm about to have a little baby in my house.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, you just got a $6,000 a year raise if you do this.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
All this is doable. But hey, listen, you're on it. You said the baby comes in three weeks? Oh, three weeks. Yeah. Okay. And your wife works hourly, right? So if she is at home for two or three weeks on maternity leave or six weeks. We just took a huge hit. You lose half your income, right? She has paid maternity leave for six weeks. Oh, outstanding. High five those people in Lexington.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah. And so you go get a second job, sell everything. If you sell this truck, you are debt-free. $500 a month raise right there.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Do that and then just watch her when she opens it up. Do small things like that and then find somebody at your kid's kindergarten who can't afford the tuition and tell the headmaster, hey, we'd like to pick up somebody's tuition. Just let us know. Or be more strategic about it once you think about it. But it's just a posture.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Let's call Churchill and get this house, see if we can't get the house refinanced. That's number two. And number three, brother, you're on the horn, get another job. I think with someone who works in a water treatment plant, who works as hard as you do on a day-in, day-out, you should expect to make $50,000 to $60,000. Yeah. Okay? Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And let's don't get a certification for a little bitty raise. Yeah, I agree with that. Let's go get a certification or change fields so that in two years you're doubling your salary.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It also signals to your wife and that new baby, I'm the husband and I'll do anything for my family. By the way, honey, I sold the truck and I picked up a second job for the next six months so I can get us ahead financially.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You can't. You can't. Let it ride, dude.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
How do you think any of the men marrying Dave Ramsey's daughters felt? You don't. And you know what? Both of those men, I know them. They're friends of mine. They're confident. They're smart. And they do good work. But they ain't ever going to have $750 million. That's right. So his daughters don't love them any less.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I don't know if you know this, but she is a key component of this marriage that y'all are setting up.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, none of the things you're saying matter. It doesn't matter that you don't, hold on. It doesn't matter that you don't talk to her regularly. It doesn't matter that you haven't been on dates. It doesn't matter that you haven't kissed her yet. It doesn't matter. None of that matters because you said this thing's arranged.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So if it's arranged and you as a grown man in the United States of America are going to get in that boat and say, all right, mom, you're going to direct the rest of my life. Then, bro, it doesn't matter what you make. It doesn't matter any of that stuff because you got in the arranged boat and you took off down the river. What do you care? Let that be.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
If you want to be a grown up and decide, I love you. I want to create a life with you. Us two as two individual adults creating one, not letting my mom and your dad drive our future. If you want to do that, then yes, I get there being feelings like, man, I didn't make as much money as your dad. You're going to have different lifestyle.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
We may have Honda lifestyle when you're used to a Lexus lifestyle. That's all well and good, but that's not your situation right now, dude. So if that's the choice you're making, get in the boat, prop your feet up, put your hands behind your head, and then just ride on down the river out into the ocean, man.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yes, sir. Does that make sense? It makes sense.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It's absurd. How old are you, man? 19. I tell 19-year-olds to get off their parents' cell phone plan, much less their marriage arrangement plans. So knock your lights out, man. You're in uncharted water for me.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I don't get it, but I'm also – This doesn't feel like a cultural practice. This feels like an overbearing mom.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's the thing. I've actually looked at the data on the traditional cultural arranged practices. It's remarkable. It's robust. But there's entire family systems around these new married couples and families and all that. So I'm with you, Ken, not knocking it at all. This doesn't sound like that.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It sounds like a mom that wants to make sure her boys marry somebody who's going to have a lot of wealth. Right? And good on mom.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, she got you. Yeah. You, though, Adam, aren't in. And if you're not into the cultural practice, if you're not on board with the family practice, you're not on board with this woman that you are going to. At some point, they close the door and it's just y'all two.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I would be like, hey. Can I get an offer sheet? I need to run to the bathroom real quick, and I would go to Washington, D.C., and I would never be seen again.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, everyone. Listen, we all have stories, the family and cultural stories that we were born into, the stories of the things that have happened to us, both the good stuff and the challenging stuff. And we have those stories that we constantly tell ourselves.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And none of us can go back and change any of our old stories, but the world is waiting to see what each of us is going to write next. As we enter 2025, I encourage you to examine your old stories and be intentional about the new stories that you're going to write. And I'm not talking about making goals that are going to be long gone by February.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life and the lives of those you love for the better forever. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and heal from them and begin writing new ones. If you're thinking about starting therapy, I want you to consider my friends at BetterHelp.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch at any time for no extra cost. So start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I guess... I'm trying to think of the right way to ask this question.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
No. There he goes. It's this, Vanessa. What do you do for a living?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
What is your take-home salary every year? Combined?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
How somewhere along the way did you get the understanding that you're dumb? Who told you that?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's a really smart answer. Okay. So somebody is trying to tell you that you're able to see into a future that most people who are obsessed with their stupid spreadsheets and Instagram can't. And that is this. What is life on the other side of not owing anybody anything? Or to say it another way, what is life on the other side of freedom?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And our culture is so stupid and obsessed with short inch by inch gains that they don't look at the long picture, the long game.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You already have. It's the same reason companies hire a bunch of people to goose the Q1 numbers and then fire them all Q4, not realizing that at some point people just quit working for you because you're terrible people. But they're so obsessed with the little notch here and the little notch there and the little notch here.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
So in the same way, you've already projected a future where your husband laughs every morning.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Where you have a cup of coffee on those rare, cold Phoenix mornings in your paid-off house that nobody can ever take away from you, and y'all just can go for a walk together.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
You're not dumb. Good answer, Vanessa. Ken and I in your seat would both do the exact same thing that you're talking about. And I'll pay the 3% difference on my APR that I'm losing for my new property. I'll pay that difference in a peace tax every day.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Oh, I started pre-reading this question, Ken, and it's already giving me gas. All right, today's question comes from Allison in Georgia. Yeah, you're going to want to scoot over a few feet here. My husband and I started building our dream home last year. We took out a HELOC to fund the down payment and start the building process.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
We struggled financially for the last few months due to low profits at my husband's business. No way, things weren't going to always just continue to go up and up and up and up forever. So he took out several more loans to help with the cash flow.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
These ended up strangling us, so we used most of the HELOC to keep the business afloat, along with using personal credit cards to make business purchases. The business now owes us over $300,000." And y'all owe the banks and the credit card companies, I'm assuming. Our house is almost complete, but closing on it is in jeopardy due to all of this debt.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
How do I come to terms with the fact that my dream house is probably gone? How do I deal with the embarrassment and the shame? And how do I feel safe in my home when everything is falling apart?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
There's the marriage issues. There's the – by the way, she's putting all this on her husband. She doesn't say here – that either she was complicit in this, like she participated in, well, I guess I'll just put this on, or she needs to deal with some serious financial infidelity issues in her home where her husband came and said, by the way, I just lost the house.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
He basically gambled it away, yeah. I think when it comes to dealing with when dreams are gone or when you have to grieve what you wanted to be, man, it just takes time. You've got to write some things down. I recommend people go through some sort of – For lack of better words, a funeral, some sort of ceremony that says this was and it's not going to be anymore. Embarrassment and shame.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It's just kind of part of it. If you participated in trying to rob Peter to pay Paul and you ended up gambling away all of your losses, gambling away your home, then yeah, there's some embarrassment. There's some shame. I recommend dealing with those head on. Walk straight into them. When somebody asks, you say...
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
me and my husband made some dumb business decisions we ended up having to pick between the business and the home and we chose the business and you run straight through it and you'll find that the embarrassment and the shame lose their power over you when you say them out loud and you head directly into them and then how do i feel safe in my home when everything's falling apart that sounds like a marriage question ken and that's when you and your husband get away for half of a morning and go to breakfast at a cheap diner and say right
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
We've got to rebuild our ability to trust one another. That's right. Forget the business. Forget the house. Forget all this crap.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'm going to go get myself a job and get myself a checking account.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
That's exactly right. And it's easy for me to say on this side, but it's just a house. So if their marriage is intact and they made some strategic gambles by taking out a HELOC to fund down payments and putting everything on credit cards and we triple stamp, a double stamp, it all came down. Everything's not falling apart. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But if your husband's lying to you and now you've lost your house and you may have lost your marriage, it can feel like everything's falling apart. You need to get somebody to talk to and say these things out loud.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I'll bring the nachos. You bring the beers. We're going to sit and talk about it.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, and they'll weep with you, they'll laugh with you, a good friend will poke at you, and then they'll say, how can we move forward together?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yes. And I think what you need to do, Corey, is get out of the spreadsheet and into life. And so, yes, there's going to be a library someday that wants an extra gargoyle that your $9 million could pay for. You're right. But you want something special?
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah, it's a good question. I love a good Ramsey rule follower, Valerie.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Right. Or sometimes like I was really close to paying off a house. So I paused in, I guess, technically four or five. I paused putting money in retirement because it was like six months away and I could escalate. I'm just going to hammer it. But so there is some four, five and six flexibility.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But the cornerstone principle is if you got kids, there's going to be some educational expense at some point that you don't want them to have to choose between no education or debt. Right. There is, you are going to have life after work at some point or life after an ability to go in and be given a paycheck and you have to prepare for that. So you start saving for retirement.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Dave's found 15% over the long haul is a good amount of money that's going to give you a good lifestyle in the end of it. And then, yeah, dude, try to work towards a world where you don't owe anybody anything, including your mortgage, man.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
But yeah, I think that the hard part for me, the hard part for most people is toggling out of the, which is baby step one, two, and three, getting out of debt and getting an emergency fund and then settling into living a life, right? Like, what do you want life to look like for you? And I think that's a hard part for everybody.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Go tip your waiter $100 at a Waffle House, and he'll chase you out into the parking lot and hug you because you just took care of his kid's light bill. Right? You just put food on their table for a month.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
It's always easier to blame Dave for all your decisions. Four, five, and six is where you guys sit down and say, what kind of life do we want to build for ourselves, and what's that going to look like? And you've got to own some of the consequences there.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
I have been waiting for weeks and weeks and weeks to be able to talk about this publicly, man. This is amazing. This is a huge day for Ken Coleman, for your family, for this company, and this incredible new show called Front Row Seat that you're premiering this week. Well, thanks. Tell us the genesis of this thing. Tell us how it's been going. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And I'm so jealous of everything from the... It does look cool.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
The talent, the team, the videos, all of this. The set design, everything's rad. But tell us all about it.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Yeah. people, athletes, presidents, you've been interviewing people who are extraordinary in what they do forever, like for way before you were.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
Well, and my favorite—here's what I think sets this whole show apart, and I can't wait to see this thing just hit the ground running, dude, is I don't know how many times we listen to podcasts and someone's doing an interview, and I think, yeah, but hold on, but what about— And I want to inject myself in that conversation or at least ask the next question or that felt like a softball.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And you have a live audience. You have real people in there that get to do that. And I don't know that that show exists anywhere.
The Ramsey Show
Building Wealth Happens One Baby Step at a Time
And ask their questions. So I love it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You got to go get a job, two jobs right now.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Please tell me you keep a little journal somewhere with just a tally mark that says, not going to make it or going to make it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, and there's something about sitting down with your wife and y'all put – it's arbitrary. Let's say two years. Let's put a deadline. We're going to be out of this barn in two years. Here's how much money we want to have. What must be true? How do we get that much money? Am I going to have to shoot on Sundays and Saturday nights and Wednesday mornings?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And I'm going to take as many of these gigs I can get. I'm going to stop saying no to things. What's she doing? What must be true for us to have this dollar amount to walk out of here and get that small starter home in 24 months, 32 months? And sometimes when you put a deadline on it, it doesn't feel like it's forever.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And you can just work yourself silly knowing there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
All right, today's Ramsey Network app, it's from Hope. And personally, this hits too close to home, so I don't appreciate it, Hope. But here we go. My husband and I are in Baby Step 2 and have $12,000 more to go. We're so close. He's been fully on board with the Baby Steps until recently. He's an avid hunter and wants to go hunting this season.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
If he kills a deer, it costs around $200 to butcher it and between $2,000 and $1,000 to mount it. I told him we needed to decide together about hunting during Baby Step 2 and that I don't support him spending $1,000 right now. I reminded him that by next season, we'd have a lot more money and freedom to spend more freely. He says, I've sucked the fun out of hunting by asking these questions.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
He probably had to set down his pacifier to say that. He says hunting is his hobby and the only thing that makes him happy. That's a little insulting. Gosh, that's so dramatic. I have no problem with him hunting. I just want to plan financially before he goes. Am I wrong? Is his little face red? Was his little lip stuck out?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
That's some Froot Loops in his bib. My hunting makes me happy. That's the only thing that makes me happy. You're happy. God, you're killing me. There's two problems here. Number one, you're married to a toddler. That's number one. Number two, Hope, what you have done is you have created, you've exaggerated this. I hunt all the time.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Plus, no, this isn't the season to be mounting deer. And again, $200 to $1,000. If you're taking it to some fancy taxidermist, maybe... Again, this is one like, it's going to cost $1,000. It's not. It's not. Well, he may be or she may be. I don't know. Somebody's exaggerating. Well, I think she's exaggerating a bit because she didn't want him doing this.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And he is being exaggerating with his feelings on the other side. There's more things in his life that bring him joy than hunting. And also it's hunting season and him going on Saturday and shooting a deer to feed the family and to have some fun and get out in the sun is fine. But also if you're going to add $1,200 as a part of this, that's insane, right? $1,000 plus 200 bucks.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
The melodrama around this whole thing is just out of control. So it's getting all the way beneath.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I think both. I think both. And so, no, having a plan financially before he goes, is that wrong? No. I mean, what's $30.06 cost around now?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Or two, right? So $5 in ammunition, right? But, hey, it can add up gas and yada, yada. I do think you're right. Having a plan financially is important. It's good. And let's take hunting off the table because this seems to be a third real topic in your house. Let's say it's any number of things that you like to do. Baby step two is survival.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
It's about running and gunning, and you put a pause on expensive things. You put a pause on going out. You put a pause on some of these things. And so I can imagine Hope hasn't gone out to eat, hadn't been on a date, hadn't got her hair or nails done in a year, and husband wants to go spend $1,000 deer hunting. I get that. I get that. But I think beneath it, we have to say yes.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We're going to have a financial plan before we do anything, anything, especially in baby step two.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Get our friend the Butcher Brothers on YouTube.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And so I'm saying this as someone who hunts a lot. I think there's some there's just some straw man going on here. There's some false realities here.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We're just going to shoot does this year. We're not going to mount anything. We're just shooting for food this year. And I'm going to get out and get some fresh air. I mean, bow hunting doesn't cost you anything. Assume you get the arrow back.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
i mean it's this is jeff so yeah davis feels like he's a toddler if he's saying if he's really saying this he's acting like a toddler if he's really saying this but it sounds like hope has given up a lot this year and she wants to him to give up his thing and when you start keeping score that's the death of a relationship that's not necessary it's not necessary it's um
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Oh, I like that. But here's another example. We tell people, don't go to restaurants. Don't go out on dates. You can't afford it. You're in baby step two. But you can go for a walk together and hold hands in the neighborhood. You can put the kids to bed and light some candles and talk to each other and make a date around your house.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You're just going to have to do it differently because you don't have any money. You're broke. And I think that's the same thing here. Yeah, exactly right. We're going to find some ways to do it, but man, everybody in this house needs to grow up a little bit. Jeez.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, is the goal to play baseball and be a good teammate and have fun, or is it to make yourself feel better at the expense of your 12-year-old?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Hey, James, we're talking about hunting and travel sports. Anything else you want us to talk about to get us canceled? I was going to put this question on with George and Rachel, but I think it worked a little better with you guys.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Are y'all of means? Stacey, you live in a $2 million house. I'm assuming y'all have money.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
He would be the guy that spends that kind of money on it, too. George gets scared at the deli section at Whole Foods. I can't see him out in the woods.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
That's all he wants to know. Excuse me, Mr. Deere, please don't eat those acorns. They have glutens in them.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
This is easy for me to say on this side of the ocean, but you're probably not going to get that money back. And just your husband making laps around the living room every night, existentially wondering if he's a good person. Is he costing his relationship with his dad? I don't know.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Hi, I'm good, Dave. How are you?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Well, Dave, to put it just straightforward, I kind of got lucky in the stock market. I'm up $180,000, but now I'm in a midlife crisis. I don't know what to do with my life. Should I put that money, go to school, or maybe should I get a property? I'm 24 years old. I think the properties in Chicago are not too expensive compared to other cities, but I would love your input. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I think I can... Because my father is an electrician, so if I can follow through his steps, I can also get help from him. I think that's a noble career. Maybe not the best paying, but I think that's a pretty good career to have.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Our friend Ken Coleman just read a report recently about the explosion of millionaires who are plumbers and electricians who are creating businesses.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, maybe you're right. It's just like I've always been into business. I've always really liked it. I've always liked it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I actually... Not really, if I'm being honest. I kind of really like real estate, which is why I want to buy a property, live in maybe the basement, and then rent out the first floor, and then I could basically live for the same price I'm living currently, which is, I've always lived below my means. Currently, my rent is $600, and I'm very grateful for the people that are letting me rent here.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I can imagine there. Here's the deal. Your father-in-law needs to pay back the money. He's probably not going to. He probably can't. And y'all now, Dave and I have been talking about this forever. Dave, for three decades before Ivan showed up, when you loan a family member money, you change the nature of your relationship together. Now you are invested in them accepting an offer on their house.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Leonardo, Leonardo. You're mimicking something you saw on Instagram. What do you want to do? You don't want to live in the basement while somebody lives above you. What do you want to do?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And don't watch social media and try to quote-unquote hack your way to wealth because that's what you're going to do. That's exactly it. You're going to give somebody $10,000 for their 10-step course to how to hack their wealth, and all you're going to do is make them rich.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Well, I think the matrix is your passions and your talents, the overlay. What does the world need? It's old Frederick Buechner quote. What does the world desperately need that you can provide? That only you can provide. Right. And, man, go make that happen. And the money will follow you, man. The money will follow you.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Dave, he said something, and he said it in his own unique way, but it's an old psychological trope. Wherever you end up, you go with you. He won on stocks. Young kid, won $180,000. He bet right. He threw darts backwards, which is what day traders do, and he won. And he thought that was going to solve everything. He made more in one cash out than his dad did in a year And he still was anxious.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And he said, I just want peace. I'm tired of stressed out all the time. And he realized, oh, I went with me. And so I don't want this life. I don't want this rattling around all the time. And searching for peace is always that alignment of where are you providing value and where are you working really hard and where are you getting better and better and better at a thing that you're good at?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And man, you just got to keep doing it. It's not a hack to that. You got to just keep showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Right? That's a transaction that should be between them and any potential seller and what they want to do and whether they want to keep two houses or not. But now you're invested in it and you are now judging from afar their interactions, but it's because y'all loaned them money. Yeah. Right? So now the whole thing's a mess.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
All right, today's question comes from Abigail in West Virginia. Abigail writes, my in-laws are too much to deal with, specifically my mother-in-law. Abigail, she knows you wrote this. I don't know how mother-in-laws know. They just know. She has to stick her nose into everything. She has a key to our house, which was bought by my husband before we got married.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She's folded our laundry, cleaned our house, and moved stuff while we were not at home. Oh, man. I've asked my husband to talk to her, but he told me he couldn't do it and told me to chill out. You don't have a mother-in-law problem. You have a husband problem. You have a husband problem. He's a wuss. God almighty. That makes me so uncomfortable to think my mom would come over to our house.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I can see a world where your husband sits down with his dad and says, Dad, I got mad. I blew my top. What's reasonable for a repayment? And there's also a thing where he says, Dude, this is a gift. I'm writing it off. I'm moving on with my life. What's your all's net worth?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
My mom's amazing, but my mom would come over and go through our- Unsolicited. Go through our stuff. Without your permission. And even more uncomfortable is my wife said, I need this to not happen again. And I said, I can't do it.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Oh my gosh. Abigail, you have a husband problem.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah, and some pampers while he's there. Because he might TT in his pants while he talks to mommy. Y'all need to have this conversation. This is awful. Yeah, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. This is awful. Mother-in-law is going to do what... Here's the deal. I think if... And maybe she's controlling. I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I think mother-in-law is trying to love her little baby the best she knows how. She's trying to be helpful, and she's screwed up. Yes, and she doesn't think you're loving him the right way, but she's not going to say anything. She's just going to keep doing it, and I think your cute little hubby is a gigantic 14-year-old, and he needs to grow up real, real quick.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And by the way, to husband listening to this, you don't call your mom and say, hey, my wife doesn't want you coming in the house. No. You'd be a grown up and you say, I messed up.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We need to figure out how to do these things on our own.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And mother-in-laws. Don't break into your kids' homes and do their laundry for them unless there's like a medical crisis or a newborn and they've asked for your help. Don't do that.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yes, of course. Show up with a key that you had before they were married.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
this just makes me sad yeah this is bad yeah and can I tell you this one thing so one time a friend of mine they were having some family stuff and it was a couple friend of me and my wife's and we've known them forever and ever and ever and they were going through some like just somebody passed away or something and I said hey let's get them a house cleaner just to come in and clean up and my wife looked at me and said are you crazy so what do you mean
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She said, you know what that would feel like to me if somebody came over to see us and then they hired someone to come clean my house? Oh, it would be like an insult. It would be an insult. And so I've got to say, mom coming over to clean the house and do the laundry is a little bit of a flex. Right? It's a little bit of a flex. It's like cooking the lasagna. It's like, oh.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Because the recipe you got for lasagna is not as good as my recipe for lasagna. You're not taking care of my little boy the way he deserves to be taken care of. I'll come over and help. It kind of feels like Ray Romano's mom. It's like your underwear was folded wrong. Yes. I'm sorry, honey. I'll do it for you. And so, yeah, husband needs to grow up. Mother-in-law flex.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
This whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable. Dave, I never feel uncomfortable. This one does.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
No, because this kind of mother-in-law leaves a note that says, hey, I noticed things were messy, so I cleaned up and I vacuumed. Y'all have a great night. And it's just like a little... Oh, man. It's a total flex. But if you say anything, it's like, oh, I was just trying to help.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She'll definitely mart her out. The old... Oh, okay. There's some old Dairy Queen napkins in the glove box. I'll just eat those. Y'all just go eat wherever you want to. I'll just eat the old Kleenexes, and I'll just sit in the car and be cold. And when y'all get done, y'all just come out. It's that.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Wherever you want to go. Done.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
There used to be a great little honky-tonk in Lubbock, Texas called the library. We'd be like, where are you going? I'm going to the library. All right. The honky-tonk. Going to the library.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah. Yeah. Even today, my son is studying for his first round of high school finals. He's a freshman. And I know the science of studying. I know the pedagogy of studying. I have been a high school and a college teacher for my whole career. And he's got to go through this first round of finals. Studying the way he rolls his eyes and says, Dad, I know. Okay.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And it's hard because I want to go in there and say, this is what he's got to learn this time. And then next time we'll be able to speak from a place of, all right. I need some help. Show me how to do this. And it's hard. It's hard when your precious little Johnny's underwear isn't folded right. Mother-in-law. It's Abigail's husband now. Abigail. Back up. Back up. Be cool. Be cool, man.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She has to stick her nose into everything. It's the move stuff while we weren't home.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Hey, everybody, listen to this. Helix, who makes the best mattresses on planet Earth, actually throughout the universe, they've extended their Cyber Monday savings. They've extended their Cyber Monday savings. Listen, I've spent my whole life sleeping on mattresses, ones that were not great. And sleeping on a Helix mattress has transformed my rest.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
It's made me a better dad, husband, friend, worker. Listen, I'm getting deep levels of refreshing sleep. And I say this all the time to anyone who will listen. Everyone in my family sleeps on a Helix mattress now. And my family, just like all of you, they're all different. All of us are different.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And because everyone sleeps in their own unique way, Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs a little extra love, they've got mattresses for you too. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial, and all Helix mattresses come with either a 10- or 15-year warranty.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
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The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Go to helixsleep.com slash Ramsey for details and to save 20% off everything. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Ramsey. With Helix, better sleep starts right now.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
There you go. So Allison... I'm so sorry. Allison, let me ask you this. Yeah. How much of this spinning out, this, okay, what about this? I got a plan for this. I got a plan for this. Is just the utter loss of control you feel when somebody says the word cancer with somebody you love?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Because here's what it sounds like to me. Dave and I take calls all the time. You guys, for being in your mid to back half of your 50s. Are really in good shape. You're in amazing shape. Financially. And my mom is still a professor into her 70s. You can do your job for ages. AI may take it, right? But let's just pretend. You keep doing that. Yeah. You're in an amazing position.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
The challenge for you is to exhale and be present with your husband, which is going to be hard and scary.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Y'all are good, man. You're good.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Allison, have they put him on a clock?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
That is. So let's stay as optimistic as possible, and let's stay deeply in prayer, and let's try these clinical trials. Amazing. And let's remember that every second is golden when it comes to how precious it is. And let's let tomorrow's, you guys are in such great shape, let's let tomorrow's worries be tomorrow's. Right now, we're going to just celebrate and be in joy with every precious second.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Every city is going to be different. And I tell you what, I tell people all the time, I don't get nervous anymore. I get excited, but I don't get nervous anymore. I'm pretty nervous about this one. This one's going to be fun.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
There's a different energy. We make it up as we go, dude. Several thousand people in a fancy theater. It's going to be fun.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I like option one. There's something about owning it and calling dad and mom and saying, I shouldn't have done this. I did it. And y'all are free from it. And we'll be over for dinner on Sunday. I'm going to move on with my life. And for you regular people, it would be like if you loaned them $100.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Yeah. How long have you been unable to breathe, dude?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Okay. So give me two and you're done. You're at zero. You're free.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
But that means you can't hem-haw around every couple of weeks like, maybe I'll have some work this weekend. That means... All the time you're working. I have a job at Costco and I go straight from there on Saturdays to throw boxes at Walmart until 11 o'clock at night and then I get home and I get up at 6 a.m. on Sunday, I go to church, I go do it again.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And then I do my regular job Monday through Friday.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Okay. And if y'all stay together, your marriage will be so united because y'all know we can do anything together. And few things light up a wife like a husband with lasers in his eyes on behalf of the family. Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Don't loan family members money. Give it to them or say no thank you. Period. No exceptions. That's the rule. Give it to them. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, it's that time of year. It's starting to get a little bit colder. It's getting a little bit dark earlier. And sometimes if you're like me, you just want to stay inside and get cozy.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
What up, what up? It's Dr. John Deloney from the Dr. John Deloney Show with some amazing news. The latest episode of United States of Anxiety is available right now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app. This docuseries follows real people from my show as they embark on a 90-day journey to transform their lives, and I personally walk alongside them every step of the way.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Okay, now, here's a sneak peek of what the new episode is all about. And don't forget to click the link in the show notes to download the app. What's up, Kelsey?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
What does crippling anxiety mean? Paint me a picture of that. All right, so you ready to jump in?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
We're going to check in with Kelsey 30 days, 60 days, 90 days.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
She's experiencing things that really hurt a long time ago. Tell me about this boy.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
It just feels like it would be exhausting to be Kelsey.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Whenever somebody's playing whack-a-mole with their anxiety, when it just keeps moving, that tells me the underlying system's not okay.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
One of two people that's supposed to never leave took off.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You're a burden, that's right. To the one person who should carry it, all of it. Did you ever tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault?
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
You either have to choose to let this guy love you, or you gotta choose to let this guy go.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And for me, my perfect cozy night is me and all of my family piled under blankets, watching a movie, sitting by the fire, maybe even reading a book. And listen, whatever your perfect night in looks like, sometimes therapy can feel a bit like that. a time when you can settle in, finally exhale, replenish your energy, and begin to take care of yourself.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one of the reasons I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anytime and just about anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist and you can switch therapists for no extra cost. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
They may live for another 20 years. And so you've got 20 years of rent going up. And I would want to be in my seventies and eighties with my biggest asset set.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And, Dave, tell me if my matrix is wrong here. You've got Brenda, whose parents are in their 70s. So let's always want to pretend they might live to 90, okay? Yeah. That's five more presidential elections from now. To think we could predict what the world will look like in 20 years. It feels better for me to say, I don't know. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to solve for peace in the present.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And that looks like no house payment. Yep. That feels like a wiser choice than trying to speculate on, well, is this going to be a good investment? What's going to happen in 20 years? Yeah.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
I was going to say, and if you'd walk in with $100 million of cash and just started buying places, you would be worth – An unfathomable amount of money right now. A trillion.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
Or maybe tell me if this is a bad way to look at it. Cause I don't look at things like real estate investment, but let's say things let's pretend it went in half again in 20 years. And mom passes away. Dad passes away. They live 20 more years. Great times with the grandkids. And you have to sell that place. You're still walking away with a check for three or $400,000.
The Ramsey Show
You Can’t Win With Money if You Keep Ignoring the Real Problem
And let's pretend it cuts in half, which it won't. From today. From today. Wow, that would be unprecedented. You still walk away with a chunk of money, right? You're still okay is what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah. And so I guess this long-term stuff, like, I don't know.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, it's that time of year. It's starting to get a little bit colder. It's getting a little bit dark earlier. And sometimes if you're like me, you just want to stay inside and get cozy. And for me, my perfect cozy night is me and all of my family piled under blankets, watching a movie, sitting by the fire, maybe even reading a book.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
And listen, whatever your perfect night in looks like, sometimes therapy can feel a bit like that. a time when you can settle in, finally exhale, replenish your energy, and begin to take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Take care. Bye. Bye. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Visit BetterHelp.com to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp.com.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
What up, what up? It's Dr. John Deloney from the Dr. John Deloney Show with some amazing news. The latest episode of United States of Anxiety is available right now exclusively on the Ramsey Network app. This docuseries follows real people from my show as they embark on a 90-day journey to transform their lives, and I personally walk alongside them every step of the way.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Okay, now, here's a sneak peek of what the new episode is all about. And don't forget to click the link in the show notes to download the app. What's up, Kelsey?
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
What does crippling anxiety mean? Paint me a picture of that. All right, so you ready to jump in?
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
So we're going to check in with Kelsey 30 days, 60 days, 90 days.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
She's experiencing things that really hurt a long time ago. Tell me about this boy.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
It just feels like it would be exhausting to be Kelsey.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Whenever somebody's playing whack-a-mole with their anxiety, when it just keeps moving, that tells me the underlying system's not okay.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
One of two people that's supposed to never leave took off.
The Ramsey Show
Your Debt Should Make You Uncomfortable
Your burden, that's right. To the one person who should carry it, all of it. Did you ever tell that little girl that it wasn't her fault? I don't know what to do. You either have to choose to let this guy love you, or you gotta choose to let this guy go.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So how much do you owe not including the house?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So hold on. You sold your car, but you still owe $50,000 on it? Or does he have a car?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. Tell me about the other two you're financing.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yes, I think we are. Y'all are scary, scary broke.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Wow. So there's your $1,000 right there, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Like after taxes and take them, you just added a $40,000 a year income to your house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Right? So let me ask you this. You guys have $160,000 left on your mortgage. You got $140,000 in debt. Y'all make $130,000. That tells me that y'all, because y'all don't have, I know it feels like it, you don't have a ton of debt. And I mean, you got car notes, you got credit card debt, you'll have a lot of debt, but you also make good money. This tells me you guys go out to eat all the time.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Your daughter's a princess. Like, do y'all spend recklessly? Do y'all not have a budget?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. I think one of the greatest gifts you could give your teenagers is to sit down with them and say, here's how mom and dad have lived. And here's how things are going to be different. And we're going to take your precious Corolla. And I know you love it, but we're going to sell it because it's the right thing to do. You're the worst. I can't believe you.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
But I'm telling you right now, the 27-year-old her, the 40-year-old her will remember this moment as my mom and dad did whatever it took to become free.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And I think it will be a watershed moment for you and your family.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And it will really, really not be fun.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And a 16-year-old doesn't care. She wants her cool Corolla right now. You know what I mean? She doesn't care. Especially with the crummy car you're going to have to buy her or that she's going to have to go to work for.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's fine. Go to a local credit union and take out the difference, because I'd rather you be $5,000 in debt, and then he gets a $2,000 car. I'd rather you all owe $7,000 than owe the $35,000 that you owe now.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. I'm going to ask you a very stereotypical, like, generalized question that's not fair, okay? But I'm just a lifelong Texan. Is your husband in enough that he's going to sell his truck and get a $7,000 car?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
uh yeah he would he's all on board that's an that's an amazing good man good for you yeah good for you that's that's fantastic so now you just have hard work ahead of you but it's going to clear up way way faster on this fifty thousand dollars of credit card debt is it one big credit card or is it 30 just no it's two big credit cards okay did you do some kind of consolidation loan or balance transfer or is these did you actually max out each card
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And I'm going to talk to everybody here, but I'm also talking to you too, okay, Cindy? I think when you're having to toggle a lifestyle shift with kids, especially teenagers, I want everybody to keep in mind this one word, ownership. How can I invite my teenager, my middle schooler especially, and even my elementary school kid, how can I invite them into the lifestyle changes we're making?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That can be, I'm going to teach them about how much money we make, right? And they're going to start doing the budget with us. I'm going to help. They're going to get to sit in my lap when they're younger and punch the button in. This is what our electric bill is. So when I tell you to turn the electric, like your lights off, this is why.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
But when they feel a part of it... Then there's less, oh my gosh, and more, okay, we're all doing this together.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's why we live in Tennessee. That was a dig. I love Oregon. I think Oregon's a stunning place. Let me ask you this. What's the market rate for a pharmacist? If you quit there and went over to Walgreens or quit there and went over to a local hospital, what would that do to your salary?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Oh, so you're working at like a hospital, but technically it's nonprofit. Exactly. It's a not-for-profit hospital system. Okay. All right.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
No, I would not. I'd run primate class.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So, dude, my, I mean. Here's what I just saw firsthand. And I, after the, like Biden's going to forgive it all. And then it didn't. And then with Supreme court, like after all that, I've, I'm going to be honest with you. I've stopped watching the news ticker on it every day. Okay.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
But what I witnessed was some of the most brilliant, extraordinary law students of mine decide to go into public service because of this 10 year repayment program. And they got hosed. It just got denied. They went all the way through it and then a thing happened or they went from one, from working as a public defender to working on a nonprofit and they reset the clock.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I mean, just crazy stuff that makes no sense. And it really soured me on it. And so what I would tell you is, 10 years from now is two and a half presidential elections. If you think you can predict what's going to happen in 10 years from now, best of luck to you, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So what I would tell you is for your soul, you make 175 grand and I know you get beat up on taxes, but you make 175,000 bucks and you could probably pick up Saturday and Sunday work. I would hit the gas in an insane way over the next 18 months and just pay the sucker down as fast as I possibly could. That's what I would do.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I just watched some of the brightest minds like you just get burned alive by a governmental promise that didn't come through. Shocker.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And by the way, everyone you work with is going to tell you that's the stupidest thing they've ever heard. they're going to tell you, dude, you're missing out on the 2% or 4% match. Are you an idiot? Those guys are morons. And here's what you're going to have that they don't.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You're going to have $25,000 in cash in the bank as your wife heads into labor or $30,000 in cash, and you're going to be able to sleep at night. Yeah. And none of your colleagues have that. They've got a bunch of, like, cool things on a tin key and a cool things, like, I don't know what they have. I'm just being a jerk. But you're going to be able to sleep at night.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And then the day after the birth, when the mom's doing awesome, baby's doing great, not day after, but the week or two afterwards, you're going to take that money and you're just going to roll it back where it needs to go. Okay. And suddenly that loan is going to be $225,000 because you're going to have just dropped $25,000 on it and knock it down.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
As a taxpayer? Yeah. I'm happy to support that. You get some of the brightest minds in the world to go actually solve some of these governmental nonsensical issues. Dude, I love the idea. Taxpayer, I love the idea of taking some of the brightest minds and saying, you work for the government for half or a quarter of your market rate. I'd happily pay back your student loans.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Or some AI thing comes out and somebody calls you and they're like, hey, we'd like you to come work with our new pharmaceutical thing. It's going to be amazing. And you're like, oh, I can't do that because I'm seven years into this 10-year repayment. Just get it out of your life, man. That's tough.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And if you flip it around, if you were to lose your job and you have this pile of cash, all those lenders are still calling you the next day.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So you still, it's six and a half dozen another. You could spread it out, right? You could pay some a little bit, but you're still going to have to pay that money. Um, I would rather, I mean, just sitting here, this is me. I'm not a single mom with three kids.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so it's much easier for me to say this when I look at my own risk profile, but I would rather owe nobody and get laid off and figure out what's next. Then have a whole, I have a small pocket of money, but I have a whole bunch of creditors that are going to come knocking on the door when I got no job.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags in friendships and romantic relationships. Red flags, green flags, beige flags.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
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The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
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The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
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The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I don't know if you remember. It was a while ago. There was this thing called COVID and people quit working. And then the local government said they don't have to pay rent and you can't evict them.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So in our world, just... John's at a loss for words. Yeah, it's rare. My wife and I, I just can't wrap my head around any successful marriage I know. The partner would not go make a $30,000. Dave and Sharon Ramsey, they're worth $700 million, would not make a $30,000 purchase without telling the other person.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah. I know, but here's the deal. In our world, we call that financial infidelity. And I want you to consider it being that serious of a thing. Because you have cash in the bank, you're worried enough about your future finances that you moved home with your wife to live with your dad, right? Back to your high school house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You have the burden that most men don't fully understand until their wife tells them, hey, I'm pregnant, right? And now suddenly it's like you're under a squat rack and someone just put two more 45s on each side and you're like, whoa, this is heavy.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Don't do any of that. And again, that's you anxiously spinning out. Okay. Okay. You and your wife have to get united on how much do we owe? We're going to share a bank account. There's not your money and my money. It's our money. We're creating a home, a family. We made a human together for God's sake.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so we're going to share everything from this point forward, including our dreams, including our value systems. And that's where the hard conversation like, hey, we can't have a marriage where one person just rolls off and buys a... I mean, for God's... I texted my wife when she knew I was at Guitar Center buying guitar. I let her know, hey, I'm going to get one.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And then she sends me like a rolly eye face. But it's in the budget. You know what I mean? It's just she's annoyed by it. But I wouldn't even do that with a small purchase like that. But it speaks to a larger unity. And you've got one of you buying cars, doing whatever, and then you're up there like hoarding diapers, right? And so that just gets to this unity.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Let's be on the same page and let's work together towards a common thing. And that may be the first time either of y'all have ever seen that in your lives. And so it's new and we can help you with that, man. But do you get what I'm saying? How peaceful that would be?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So I would assume the mortgage on your rental property is not very safe. Because you don't ever know. And especially in California with the squatting laws. I mean, y'all have good tenants, and God bless you. Because those tenants can go south in a hurry. And it might be 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 2 years. You guys get tied up in court, but the bank doesn't care.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I want us to be on the same page moving forward because I want us to create an amazing home that maybe neither of us had growing up because I don't want our kid to ever have to move back in with us. Gotcha.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Pay it right now. Pay it right now, bro. What's your car worth?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Has she seen, so let's be, I want to be compassionate. Has she seen, that was dumb.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I've never owned a brand new vehicle myself. That's why you have no debt and $14,000 in a bank account. You know what I mean? You haven't made some car dealership wealthy by paying the depreciation on their vehicle for them.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so we're going to go take out a loan for the difference, or we're going to save up $5,000 real fast.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You're going to go sell that thing private party, and you're going to be upside down on it, and you're going to write the other $4,000, and you're going to be done.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And don't buy a trailer. Go get an apartment that y'all can rent and y'all can save up for a down payment on your own small starter house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
My mom worked at this company called Enron that used to do that, gave everybody a lot of stock. And I had friends who went to bed, millionaires who woke up one morning with zero dollars because all their retirement was in stock in that company. So yeah, man, if you're talking to me and George, our families, our houses, we'd sell that stock and start paying off everything we own, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Nashville might be beating you for once. Yeah, we got plenty of snow today. We got like five or six inches today. Probably, probably.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I'd much rather have two tangible assets, two homes I can go see than a company saying, no, no, no, I promise we're worth it. I'd much rather that, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So Lucas, here's the thing you need to make peace with.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You have a dream. And a dream, and you've worked towards that dream, so here's what you've done. You've made choices. Yeah. What you're not doing is choosing to have peace with your choices. Yeah, I agree with that. You're the guy that got married and continues to talk to all his old ex-girlfriends. Like it doesn't own the gravity of the reality of I made a choice. I picked her.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And especially you're too rich to be holding a loan on a depreciating asset like a vehicle, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so you guys right now as a family, I mean, as a couple, y'all have picked a house on five acres. And that means y'all aren't there yet financially. Great. Make peace with it. Be frustrated and be annoyed. But what you're doing is you're making yourself crazy. And so what I want you to see is that you're making a choice to be miserable.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Now, if y'all want to go back to the well one Saturday morning over pancakes and the sun's out and it's cold and y'all are like, hey, let's swipe the table clean with this five-acre dream. If we had to go right now, is that still our dream? Great. It's awesome. And maybe y'all are like, you know what? We don't need five acres. We can go play at the public parks, dude. We want to get a house.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Let's get a house right now. Okay. But right now you're working really hard towards a dream. You're way ahead of the curve. Most Americans don't have $250,000 in an account somewhere. Yeah. So I want you to focus not on the scarcity, on what we don't have. Bro, you are on your way.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, I'd be frustrated that it's so expensive to buy land. That's annoying.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, it's annoying. And I'm not going to choose misery. Now with $200,000 in the bank. Yeah. You know what I mean?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I was going to say, if you want to change your values, change your values. But right now, your value is we want five acres, and I love that. That's me and my family, too. And I'll tell you, after three or four years, my wife wanted something crazy, like cell signal.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, before we get going, I think it's important just to... Let our friends and colleagues and family members in Los Angeles just know we see it. It's a disaster, man. I'm rarely speechless and just watching some of that footage. I've got friends in Pepperdine. It's just devastating to see.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, like water to always come out of the faucets when we turned it on, right? And so who knows what's going to happen in four or five years? Or land is really a fun idea until you have two or three kids and going to the grocery store takes an hour and a half round trip.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Right, yeah. So all I have to say is, dude, I'll be in pursuit of acres until I don't live anymore. I love that dream and vision. And if that's for y'all, awesome. Just don't choose misery today because y'all are doing great, man. How old are you guys? Yeah, that's what it is.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Or you can rent a house once a year. You and your wife can go stay at a farm somewhere for an obnoxious week and then keep the dream alive. Right. And then when you got the money, you got the money and you go get your place, man. But let's don't choose misery today by just sitting there fretting and Googling and checking Zillow every five minutes. Like, don't make yourself bananas.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, get a dollar amount and work your butt off to get that. I'd rather see you working instead of Googling, right? Don't choose misery.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Today's question comes from Wanda in South Dakota. Wanda writes, Our house is paid off, but our property taxes are high, and we pay a lot in medical insurance. My husband's Social Security is around $2,000 a month, and mine is $1,600. Can you please tell us where we can invest our cash so we can live on our savings at least another 20 years?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
All right, so they have a... Can I just say this? Wanda's scared. Yeah. And also, it's not as bad as... They're in better shape than many of the calls that we get.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's what it looks like. But they have no liabilities. They paid off their house, right? And so all of that at least lets me go, okay.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
George, this makes me think stock market that she had a bunch of stocks. And maybe I'm just looking at it when I see the word stock.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Stock markets versus... A mutual fund. Mutual fund.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
In fact, I would strongly challenge somebody to create a life that is below that $3,600 a month threshold. You get no bills other than you got your utilities, you have your insurance, and then you've got your health insurance, right? Your homeowner's insurance and your health insurance. And your property taxes. Property taxes, yeah.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So I would try to build a world where we did that.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Or leave South Dakota. I mean, there's all kinds of options there. But you would suggest just put it in a...
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And let's say the last 100 years historical averages stay, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Then... It'll double every seven years at that point. Right, so when he's 78, you'll have 640, depending on what you pull, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So if behavior is a language, what's he been telling you for the last year?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
That's one way to think of it. I was thinking more him looking at you saying, I would rather be scared and hide than to make my new wife feel safe.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Um, is, is, is there, is there kids in this mix?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
What else is he not honest with you about? This kind of stuff doesn't happen in a vacuum.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So you're worth $5 million, free and clear, and here's the thing you have then that you don't have right now. Absolute freedom. Peace.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So have you been through an ugly divorce before? Yes, I have. So it's really common to find yourself in this situation. And when you go through an ugly divorce before, especially one that you thought was going to be forever, it's common to look in the mirror and lose trust in you. Like, what did I not see? Why did I not do this sooner? Like all that kind of stuff that comes with it.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And so I guarantee you that's happening again tenfold this time.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, but he's a scam artist. He's a scam artist and a liar and doesn't tell the truth.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Have you pulled your credit to see if he's pulled anything in your name?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
And they may hold you responsible for some of the tax, the joint taxes while y'all were together. So, yeah, I would get a tax attorney. And if he won't, then you need to go on your own. And I'm sorry that this has happened to you yet again. What a mess.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
I think the new wealth... Moving forward in the 21st century, George, is can you fall asleep on your pillow at night? I think the new status of wealth, like Dave used to say, it's not the BMW. I think the new status of wealth is nobody owns me and my family. Me and my family have freedom. We've got peace. And, man, I don't care how little or how big your salary is. Solve for that, man.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
uh 325 i believe it is so um let's pretend you get paid on the 15th if you took the four thousand dollars from your savings and y'all had four grand because y'all bring home what 10 or 11 grand a month you had four grand left and you ran it and you're done with a car in one month now you've just dumped 325 bucks back in the system okay on top of the money you were already throwing
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
he was saying it there and i think it's important you know like i always tell people you got to choose your heart right being 100 pounds overweight is a hard way to live it's hard and losing 100 pounds is incredibly hard it's so it's not a matter of one's easier or not like it's just choosing your heart similar here it is terrifying to go to one thousand dollars in your savings account like that's terrifying
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
It's also terrifying to wake up every single day and know we are $50,000, $60,000, $70,000, $150,000 from multiple different angles. These guys will take our house. Those guys will take our car. They'll take our insurance. So you're just choosing your fear. Which one do you want to have?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Do you want to have an acute fear of, oh my gosh, we only have $1,000 and we've got to hustle and get this thing done? Or do you want that grinding, low-level hum, that fear that never goes away, that you don't even... get a say in your own life. Like, man, I'm out. But you're just using your fear.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah, who doesn't have any clothes on.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Yeah. No, I love it when someone's like, okay, what I'm doing is not working. Help. Right? And that's one of my favorite phone calls to make when I call buddies about workout programs or nutrition or something. Okay, what I'm doing is not working. I need some help. And I love that, man, because that's usually when people can say, all right, I got you.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
She's about to go through divorce, right?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
So it's one of those things you feel helpless sitting this far away and you're watching on your TV or watching on your phone. But... What we can offer right now is to let people know they're not alone. We see it in our thoughts, and we're praying for you guys big time.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Make a declaration in front of America, Dan. You're going to do it today.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Okay. George, can you take the mandatory distribution and turn around and buy a new Roth with it?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Just flip it around and do it again.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
It's just a choice you make today. You get what I'm saying?
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
Right. Can I do that? And then here's what y'all will do. Y'all will figure out the romance, the sex and intimacy, the dates, the fun. Y'all will figure out your life over the next four years and how to have fun and laughter and joy and friends over and potlucks and whatever. And then you're going to suddenly find yourself with no mortgage four years in. And then the whole world opens up.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You get what I'm saying? I think a lot of times people go crazy the first two years. They put everything on their credit card. They go bananas. They buy all the fancy stuff. And then they realize, oh, we spent a lot of time on external stuff and we didn't take the time to have to do the hard work internally.
The Ramsey Show
It’s Never Too Late to Clean Up a Financial Mess
You guys, if y'all flip that around and you're just intentional, like we're not going to have any money because we're going to put it all on the mortgage and we're going to make a run at this thing. Dude, that would rule. Dude, no mortgage at 30. I can't even wrap my head around that.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
He had two. he was a turtle fisherman the loggerheads took the took the yeah they had taken all his fingers their bite is like it's like the per pound i think it may be stronger than an alligator i mean it's like it's insane yeah and this guy this guy in a very thick cajun accent said yeah these turtles gave me two hooks and he kind of did his fingers So I don't know.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
So nobody ever told me that. So when we all, I looked up, and here's the crowd, and I thought, well, is she just going to hang out at the lair in this muddy place? So it got kind of weird. So I was like, oh, do you want to come? Because she didn't look like she was dressed for it. She had blue jeans on and a little jacket.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Oh, wow. I have a place up there. We'll have to hook up now that I feel like we're, you know, got a lot more in common.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I think I got kicked out at some point and didn't realize it. The relationship was a strain. I have a problem with saying what I think. But I'm beginning to think we've actually had a couple of mental health doctors on in Are you feeling the intervention vibes? Yeah, I'm beginning to think it's me, maybe.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
That's where I was going with it. She's like, oh, no, this is nothing. Of course, it was like 29 degrees, and we go out there, and I had two duck boys. The only person that I had was a seasoned veteran. uh, was Burley and he's from Colorado. He's come in for a week to hunt. He usually comes in for like six weeks.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I'm not there, man. Well, they talked about he was a brain scanner, and I thought, I'm really scared to have that done because I've always thought that mine is a lot more small than the average human. Yeah, I wouldn't recommend that because it might confirm some of your family suspicion. Exactly.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
But like what you said a while ago, you said you hang out in colleges and spoke there for a couple of decades. I have a theory, since you understand the human mind, I have a theory that once you reach about 40 years old, that you're no longer listening. So I'd keep gravitating toward a younger audience. Just try to catch them before they shut down.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Yeah, because I'm like, once they get about 40, it's over. They're just shaking their head like, no. So have you had that similar experience?
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, that makes me feel better because I've learned, I keep saying this, I've learned more. I relate that to Bible study. I've learned more in the last four or five years than I learned in the first 35. But I want to be open-minded to it. I want to think outside the box. I want to hear what other people say. I want to constantly challenge myself.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
This is the perfect segue for me to reveal what just happened. So I'll have to, Doc, I'll bring you up to speed. I had an altercation with law enforcement that went on for months. We did multiple episodes together.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well... Because we had some guests, too, that were... Yeah, are you going to tell the whole story on that? It's like your best idea... Now, I get it. This was a tough situation. My dad... Don't put it on me, because we were all just adapting. Well, my dad gives away a hunt, according to this story. Yep. Because he released a new book. He did it, much to my shock, because he doesn't do that.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
So here's what happened. We go out there and I have, there's including me, there's eight of us only have one boat. And so we're just us getting in the boat and Burley's the size of two people. So, uh, I'm like, this is a lot of people for one boat. Now, you're like, oh, Jase, you're putting them in a dangerous situation. My first words were, if we turn this boat over, stand up. It's shallow. Yeah.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
The story took another chapter this morning, and I hope it's the final chapter. Oh, boy. Because I get a ticket for not having my seatbelt on properly. I had it on, and so I was going to fight it. Long story short, after I met with the prosecutor— I thought this is not worth it. I'm going to pay the fine. So I pay the fine because this guy, I could see it in his eyes. He wasn't budging.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Pay the fine. As soon as I paid the fine, they extended grace, gave me the money back and said, let's just call it at that. So as soon as I admitted guilt, so I guess that took them off the hook for thinking they were giving me some kind of perk or They gave me grace. So I thought, well, this is awesome. It's almost a spiritual application here. I thought that was the end of the story.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And so this morning, I woke up, I get in my truck, I'm driving, and I have my seatbelt on properly because... Grace is more of a motivating factor. Grace teaches us to say no to ungodliness, Jason. And so I thought, you never know, this guy may be in his spot because I haven't seen him there since. And wouldn't you know it, right in the roundabout, same guy. And I'm on the right side.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
So I thought, we're going to have a moment here. I slowed down a little bit and I waved. He did not wave back. And I went on, but he didn't pull me over because I was wearing it properly. That's when it hit me. I thought, this is the problem with law-based work system. There's no relationship. I'm doing what's right. You know who I am. You remember what happened here. How about a wave? Guess what?
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
No wave. Well, that's the end of that story. There's a lot of truth in there.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I just thought it was interesting. I mean, you brought it up, and I thought, this is perfect. Now I'm doing technically the letter of the law, and I was kind of happy about it. I like it that you're friendly.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Okay, good. 100% right. Love it. I mean, Jesus said, you know, come and see. We're fixing to get to that in John 1. But he also said, come to me.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I mean, this is personal. He's a person. It's a relationship. That's where I was going with that. Okay, I like it.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And so we make it to our destination. I decided since we had so many people to hunt a blind where we have the sun at our back because – I didn't think we could hide all these people. I cut a little brush on the way and I thought the wind was wrong. It was in our face. So for you non-duck hunters, ducks fly into the wind. It's like airplanes. Usually. Yeah.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
So I thought, well, they'll come over from behind us. They won't see our hunting party. And this was kind of in the middle of our duck hole. We haven't had a lot of ducks, so I thought we'll just try it. Put out a little decoy spread.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Even though we got the wind wrong, you can't have the wind right and the sun right when it's a, let's see, we're hunting in the afternoon and it was a northeast wind. So for you that are smart, you can figure out. You're not going to get both of those things right. So I put the sun to our advantage. So we get in the blind, and it wasn't that cold. We were putting decoys out, and it's a clear day.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
but now I turned it off that's right right there was a there was a way to turn it off now it's just endless I read yesterday that they sell seven iPhones per second now seven so we've been going for a few seconds yeah seven iPhones per second yeah which which it's not shocking then on the way over here took me 15 minutes to get here I saw at least four or five people who were not
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
going in with the traffic and every one of them had their cell phone, which I'm thinking this guy didn't wave at me over the seatbelt thing. I'm like, I just passed three people who have stopped traffic because they had their head in their phone, you know, get them.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
But so I was just going to say, you know, what we did with our teenagers, which are, you know, now they're all grown is we had to invite all their friends and To come over for meals. I mean, we try to do this once or twice a week because I want to know who they're hanging out with. But it was amazing. If you feed them good food, they're coming because there's just not much to offer, to your point.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And I always made them turn in all their cell phones, which seemed like crazy to them at first. Oh, you go over there. That Jace. He like makes you turn your phone in when you come. I'm like, you can come check it. You can come, but it stays right here. And no TVs around. We just sat around, ate good food and talked and had conversations. It was amazing how much that grew through the years.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I mean, it got to where the parking lot couldn't hold them because this is what life should be about. So I'm just offering that as one.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
They're friends with me.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
It just didn't seem like. And so I had brought a coat, and we had two heaters, and the two heaters were the last thing in the boat. And somebody said, do we really need those heaters? And I was like, nah. It's a nice. The Colorado people said, nah. Because it was so crowded. Yeah. And so we get up there at less than one mile an hour, and everything's fine. I said, no, I don't need my coat.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
16.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I noticed a transition. So when that, because it was awkward at first and I ran into the same thing with a couple of parents and I'm like, I'm not taking their phone away. It's just a public place where they can check their phone. Because I think the most annoying thing in life, and we've had it.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
a problem with this duck season with taking the duck boys in quotations because they'll get in the duck blind while everybody's working, getting ready, and they're just sitting over there on their phone, which that happens once. They never... Because out there, it's a different world.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I think it would make a great TV show, honestly. If you watch this stuff, it is fascinating. But what I want to say is something powerful because I don't think I've ever shared this. But I did notice that transition after the bumpiness started. Came out because then more parents started because they saw a difference in their kid.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
They're now connected with people and having spiritual conversations. And so their life starts improving. And they're like, oh, whatever you whatever you want to do over there is fine. But at first it was bumpy with with a few people. But I would notice they would come down because I'm a late night owl. And that's when I do my studying.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, that one by one, they'd walk downstairs and they'd go over there. Look at that phone, you know. It's like just through the night. Well, it validated what I was doing. I was like, if you're... So upset. And so I started, as they would walk by, I'd say, it's still there. And it's just little jokes. But what I noticed is that so those people get older and they keep coming to our house.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, now most of them are college age. And now I've noticed a difference because, you know, they're still gathering up at my house. Every time Mia comes in, there's just all her friends are there. But now they're coming downstairs and they're stopping. Instead of going to check their phone, because they're still turning on their phone. And I'm like, look, at this point, you're in college.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
But I don't say anything because they're like, that's the rule here. But now I've noticed they stop. And we've had multiple conversations about Jesus and life. And I thought, isn't that something that all started with just putting their phone in has now developed in a relationship where they want to talk about life, talk about Jesus. And it's really happened in the last year.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I've just noticed more of these same people. We're just having conversations into the night about how we can get Jesus in the world.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And Burley said, I'll go park the boat because we didn't have a place to park the boat. So I told him where to go. I was like, there's a little road you go down the tree. He's like, oh, yeah, I remember that. So he goes and parks the boat. He comes back. We're putting the decoys out. Everybody's happy.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I love this conversation. I mean, I didn't know what we were going to talk about, but I think this is at the top of the list for our young people.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, it's like, uh, I was hunting with Burley yesterday. He's from Colorado. And, uh, he just got a text from a young guy who recently, you know, came to Christ, but I think he said he was 16. But when he read it to me, he didn't say who it was. He just said, what would you say here? And it was basically the guy saying, you know, he's having suicidal thoughts and this kind of thing. And, uh,
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I thought, man, this seems to be a common practice with our young people now. And I don't know if it's from technology or what, but it just seems like every once a week I'm having some conversation about a young person having these types of problems coming up. So I was going to throw that out. Do you think that's a connection to the technology world or all of the above?
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, we shot a couple of ducks, but I realized real quickly these people to my right, which is seven people, And we have two guests who are, and they didn't hunt, they just watched. They're in the other section of the blind, so they're completely safe. Nobody can shoot but me. I'm just being honest. Because Burley's been doing it a long time. He's not the greatest of shots.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And he did shoot one duck. Oh, wow. Yeah, he shot a duck. So, because it, we had a bunch of teal light wide, but one of them was in range, and he just, boom, and he got that one. So, you know, he's pretty good if the duck's sitting on the water, not moving. But anything that came in flying, I said, shoot them. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Nothing would fall. I'd raise up. Boom. One fell.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
One time. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Two fell. Well, I went, boom, boom. I just thought, okay, they're just not a very good shot. Well, then all of a sudden... About 10 minutes, 15 minutes before sunset, which is as long as you can hunt legally, it got cloudy. It covered up the sun and the wind started blowing, I'm going to say 25 miles an hour. And that moisture got in the air.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And look, the whole dynamic changed. Because I look back at the people from Colorado first and look, they were literally doing this. The woman's face was so red. I was like, are you okay? And then Austin, one of the young duck boys, he said, I didn't want to say this, but my waders leaked. And so when he was helping putting out the decoys, he was trying to just be a man about it.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And he started shivering so bad that I thought he was experiencing hypothermia.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, my dad, although doing... Improving, I think we can all agree that his quality of life is improving, except he still has the big overall problems that's caused him some problems. But I do think the prayers from everyone, and he's improving. Yeah. But he's unable to hunt. Yeah. And so Al's like, well, we got this hunt. We're committed. What are we going to do? I was like, well, it's cold.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
And so he just like ran past him. So I want to say this, that the next 30 to 40 minutes, picking up those decoys and that wind, how cold it was. And us, when we got back in the boat, because look, Burley then couldn't find where he parked the boat. So that extended it another 30 minutes.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Fast forward this to when I'm now taking this couple to the hotel aisle, which nobody told me I was giving them a ride. I actually had left, and I had forgotten my batteries to charge. And they just got left there? Yeah, they just got left there. They were fixing to hang out. I came back, and they were like, I said, what are y'all still doing there? And they're like, we need a ride.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
On the way back, everybody's personal space was no longer an issue. It was a huddle of shivering people. Because once I got my jacket on, I was fine. That thing's rated for whatever. And I was like, this is what happens. Be careful what you wish for when you say, oh, let me have my hunt.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
So yesterday I go to the store in my pajamas. I come home and Missy's like, why would you go to the store in your pajamas? And I said, I wanted to be comfortable. I was wearing Cozy Earth, which you gave me for Christmas. That's right.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
It's really cold here. And it still is. And so I was like, well, we'll do an afternoon hunt. Yeah. But we had other people coming. So our sister wanted to come. Her first hunt of the year. Yeah.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Well, Doc, I know we just met, but the fact that you're a doctor and you're carrying around a switchblade makes me nervous about where this conversation is going.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
So, Doc, you'll appreciate this. Somebody told me how to make sense of South Louisiana. Because once there's a dividing line... That happens about across Alexandria, so there's a line. We have two worlds within one state. Kind of like being a member of the kingdom of God in this world. There's Church of Christ and everybody else. I got you. I got you.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
Once you enter that, go across that imaginary line, when people are talking, so when you were in Houma, it would all make sense. If you would have just closed your eyes and realized that everybody sounds drunk.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
She's in training. Is she a duck girl? No. Yeah, she would be a duck girl. We had the two guests. Husband and wife.
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
but uh you've you've hit it until we met john yeah so my dad and i had run the nets back when we were commercial fishermen and we came up there and there was this old truck beat up truck parked in our yard and my dad was like because my dad back then was a conspiracy theorist he's like why would a truck be parked in my yard and so federal agent that's that's the first thing he's done yeah
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
I knew it. So we walk up there, and I could hear the hissing sound coming from this truck, and the engine was off. And this guy probably looked like he was 280 years old. He gets out, and he said, y'all want some turtle? The underground turtle market in South Louisiana. I kid you not. I looked in the back of his truck, and there were 10 of the largest loggerhead turtles in
Unashamed with the Robertson Family
Ep 1031 | Jase's Unexpected Intervention w/ Dr. John Delony & The Loneliest Generation in Human History
that you could ever imagine. They were all like in their own little spaces. And they were as old as he was. Yeah, they're old. Loggerhead Totters go old. And my dad noticed with all that going on, he said, well, look like you only got two working digits. And I thought, what is he talking about? And I looked at this guy's hand, and he only, most people have ten fingers, including the thumbs.