The Dr. John Delony Show
My Wife Had an Affair Because She Doesn’t Find Me Attractive
Wed, 05 Mar 2025
On today’s episode, we hear about: · A husband trying to process his wife’s affair · A woman unsure how to proceed with a new relationship · A father wondering how to avoid his ex-wife without hurting his son Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋 Go to trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How can I save my marriage after an affair?
I'm trying to save my marriage after finding out that my wife had a three-month affair with her boss. Oh, man. And I don't know what to do. My wife has been dealing with a lack of attraction towards me. She says that I am overwhelming in my desire. Why do you want to save this marriage?
Chapter 2: Who is Dr. John Delony and what is this show about?
What in the world's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. talking to you about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriage and your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. And you tried to Google it and you tried to chat GPT it and you just went, what? I just need someone to sit down with me and listen to me. And that's the promise on this show.
I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's your next right step. All of us have chaotic lives. Not everybody's got somebody they can just sit down with. And that's what this show is all about. You want to be on the show? Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask and check this out. This upcoming fall, my favorite event I'm a part of.
We just did the Valentine's Day weekend and it was off the hook. It's my favorite event that I'm a part of. It's called the Money and Marriage Getaway. It's a weekend retreat here in Nashville, Tennessee. It's a marriage retreat. Y'all get on the planes, on the buses, on the, on the planes, trains, and automobiles get to Nashville.
It's a weekend with me and my buddy, Rachel Cruz, and a couple of special guests that we bring in because Nashville is kind of a rad city for that. And listen, three days of laughter, hard conversations, often some tears, intentional time together, lots of practical teaching.
And the best part about it is if you leave the money marriage retreat without your question answered, we cap it to just 600 couples or so. Um, If you leave without your question answered, that's on you. The whole purpose is getting access. You can listen to the show. You can read blog articles. You can read my books.
This event is about being able to look me in the eye and say, okay, but yeah, what about my situation? And we're going to get your questions answered. Join us November 6th through 8th, 2025. You can go to ramseysolutions.com slash events. Get them quick. It sells out all the time. We've already sold a huge chunk of tickets for next fall. Get on it, get on it, get on it.
All right, let's go out to Jackson, Wyoming, one of my favorite places in the world, and talk to Ryan. Hey, Ryan, what's up? Hey, John, how are you? Doing all right, brother. How about you? I've been a lot better. Let me know what's up.
I'm trying to save my marriage after finding out that my wife had a three-month affair with her boss. Oh, man. And I don't know what to do.
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Chapter 3: What should I do if my partner does not find me attractive?
I'm sorry that happened, man.
You too.
Have you said that out loud before?
Yeah. I've told a couple of close friends.
How'd that go?
Um, it went well. They're supportive. I don't think they fully understand why I want to try to save it.
Um, so I want to, I want to start the conversation this way and then we'll dig into what happened. Um, You can only save your part of it. And she might not want to save it. And I think sometimes after somebody cheats on us, we think that we, it's all our fault. And so we need to do a bunch of stuff differently. infidelity almost never happens in a vacuum, right?
I don't like to use the word fault, but there's usually a world that's created between two people. Not always, but often. So you can, quote unquote, try to work on your part, but I don't want you to think you're a personal failure if this thing doesn't get held together because you don't want to hold it together.
I've been more okay with that lately. Good, awesome. I think I've gotten to the point where I am I know I'm going to be okay if this ends.
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Chapter 4: How can therapy help rebuild my relationship?
She felt something, and she pursued it. That continued until early November. Um, and then I found out about it around Christmas and we've been really struggling. We're basically taking our marriage a week at a time right now. Okay. Um, she's therapy. She's gone to two appointments as a third appointment today. I just got my insurance back and I am about to start looking for a good therapist.
Um, Why do you want to see this marriage? Let me ask you, how can I help?
Both of us love each other a lot. There's a lot of love between us. We care about each other deeply, but we're dealing with the lack of attraction on her side. We're dealing with the fact that I want more than she does. We're dealing with the fact that... it seems like we want different things, but we both love each other deeply. And I want to save this marriage.
I love her more than I've loved anyone else in my life. But I don't know if those differences and things that we are dealing with can be overcome or if it's worth fighting for. So I need someone to tell me if it's worth fighting for or if I should try to find happiness elsewhere.
Well, I mean, I think happiness is inside your guts right now. Um, you help me find it. Well, I mean, there's, there's, there's so many layers here. Um, You have bought into a story about how she suddenly found you unattractive. You've bought into a story about your marriage is full of love and you're crazy about each other.
You've bought into a story that she was just good buddies with somebody who found her attractive and she just kind of goofed up. all those stories are creating this context where you're suffocating and you're, it's tough to hear. Yeah. And I, again, you and I could talk for five hours on this deal, probably for five different weeks.
In many of the situations when I've had a very similar conversation with somebody, when you dig down to the root of it, You're a good man, and she finds safety in you. I'm a really good man. She has absolutely no idea how to practice or create desire and novelty and romance and eros. And so what she does is she doesn't chase joy. She doesn't chase stability. She chases excitement. Okay. Aliveness.
And that is a fire that can never, it's all consuming. That's how you end up doing something. And that's like, you know, let's just go read the YouTube headings on this show. That's how you end up in crazy situations when you're always chasing unbounded. And I'll come back to what that means. Unbounded excitement, aliveness. Seeking aliveness is amazing. It's the same as spending money.
Spending money can be fun. Money gives you options. It gives you resources. It gives you access to really cool, shiny things. But just unbounded spending creates huge deficits that ultimately end you. Right? And so what it sounds like You are floating in the ocean and she just keeps saying, I got to swim over here because it's all you. It's all because of you. It's all because of you.
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Chapter 5: Should I pursue a relationship with my deceased friend's spouse?
I'm a little bit on the messy side. I am extremely empathetic and that I think causes me to appear unconfident a lot. I also have been through three job losses in the last year. So this is about, this is about a bad job. I, I got laid off.
Um, I, she doesn't respect my confidence. She doesn't respect me. That's it. And I don't mean that in the like traditional matcha. That's what I mean. We got to start there because you can't stay married. You can't stay connected and love someone who just thinks you're a loser. And maybe the word she's using, I'm unattracted to you. Maybe that's the essence she's talking about.
And let's get to the bottom of that. But you're a good man. Do you have things to work on? Sure. Can you get less messy? Yes, of course. She's Louise. Does it suck getting laid off, quitting a job, and then finding yourself? Yes, it does. Does that make it hard on a household? Yes, it does. Sean, I need to sit down and decide if we're going to stay together right now.
You got some healing to do because you have some scars on your heart. And the woman you want to reconnect with and rebuild with is the one who put them there. I'm sorry, my brother. I'm sorry. Have her call the show. I'd love to talk to her. I have a feeling she's got a story to tell, too. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.
You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, yes, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But if you ask me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship.
What's really important are your values and your potential romantic partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are all bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values?
What is important to me in a relationship? And how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all the different flags on someone else. Instead, ask yourself, how can I learn what I value? Therapy can help you figure out your values, help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and non-negotiables.
If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, you just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.
So whether you're dating, you're married, or you're building a friendship, or you're just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, I've got to tell you, I love Organifi. I love them.
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Chapter 6: What steps should I take when starting a new relationship?
Okay. Good deal. So about 10 years ago, currently I'm not married. I am divorced. But 10 years ago, I was a homeschooling military wife and I had five kids at the time. And we had moved to a new duty station. I had signed up at a homeschool co-op and very quickly made one of the dearest friends I've ever had in my entire life. And she was my ride or die, call it 2 a.m. type friend.
We did everything together. Sometimes the dads would join in, but usually the stuff we did was during the day. So it was usually us and the kids. And because we were military, we quickly moved. but she and I would keep in touch. And fast forward to about four years ago, she got a cancer diagnosis. And then shortly after that, I actually filed for divorce. It was a very abusive marriage.
And so our grief journeys kind of overlapped a little bit. And early last summer, Actually, the day after my divorce was finalized, she lost her battle with cancer.
Oh, golly, dude.
So talk about a range of emotions there.
I'm telling you. Well, it just seems like there was one big emotion. My God.
Yeah. Yeah. It was a hard 24 hours. 24 hours? Well, just a shock, I guess. Okay, there you go.
I was going to say, geez.
No, it was a lot more than 24 hours. Okay, so fast forward to a few weeks ago. I got a Facebook friend request from her husband who had recently gotten on Facebook. And so I accepted it. We started talking. Oh, yeah. Oh, no.
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