On today’s episode, we hear about: · A husband wondering how to address his wife’s hurtful behavior · A woman seeking advice on how to create boundaries with a friend · A mom struggling with thoughts that keep her up at night Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at BON CHARGE. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How should I address my wife's past?
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so, so grateful that you're with us. Wherever you happen to be, I hope you're doing well. I hope life's going okay. And I hope you are making good choices. I'm looking at a couple of folks behind the glass that don't make good choices.
And that's how we ended up on this show.
Chapter 2: What should I do about my wife's glorification of her past?
I know. Somewhere your couriers took a tragic turn. But for everybody listening, I'm glad y'all are here. It's good to talk to you all and good to be with you.
If you want to be on the show, real people going through real challenges, mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on, dealing with grief, dealing with, I hope things, I wish things were going to be a certain way. They're not anymore. Whatever you got going on, I'll sit with you. 1-844-693-3291. You can leave a message and we'll holler back at you.
Or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go to Auburn, Alabama and talk to Jesse. Hey, Jesse, what's up? Hey, Dr. John. What's up, man?
Hey, man. I'm just calling to see if you can help me work through something. I've been married for about 20 years and Had what I thought was a great relationship and hopefully still do. What happened? I've recently stumbled across some messages where my wife has been talking to some co-workers of hers. They're close friends, co-workers.
They do go on work retreats together and spend a little time together. I have found, I stumbled across some where she had been referencing some conversations she had with them about some previous partners she had had back in college and sort of talked about them kind of braggingly so, kind of glorifying the glory days, so to speak. And it really, really hit me pretty hard.
And I am just trying to figure out how to... how to handle this information.
So I hear the hurt in your voice, okay? Let me ask you a few questions. So you say the glory days. Did your wife have multiple sexual partners back in college?
That's another question.
difference between the two of us um hold on hold on let me just answer that question did she have multiple partners back in college she did okay she did um yeah and so y'all been married 20 years and you found some text messages that she was texting some co-workers male or female co-workers it's actually a group account social media um that she has um
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Chapter 3: How can I cope with feelings of insecurity?
where there's a little clique of four of them. Okay. Two women and a man. Okay.
So when she was talking about the quote-unquote glory days, give me some examples.
She would say things like, you know, in the context, she'd be talking about, you know, former and how she had lots of love in college. That was a quote. And how the ages 19 to 23 were like heaven, or she hopes that's what heaven's like. And she would reference a few of the men and about the story that accompanied that and when they talked about it at the last meeting. trip they were on.
The story about, so she went into detail about having sex with one of these dudes or a couple of these dudes and what she liked about it, didn't like about it and all that?
Fortunately not. Not a lot of detail, but I'm just seeing the tip of the iceberg. I'm just seeing the reference on when this story was associated with this person or that person.
How do you know it's the tip of the iceberg?
Well, what I stumbled upon was her text threads where she referenced those stories, where when they were together, you know, she talked about this guy, and that's when, you know, we were at this resort when I was telling you all about this guy, and those are the threads that I'm seeing.
So I'm now sort of discovering that she's talked about these former sexcapades, that she's, you know, when they're together, and then while they're chatting on the text thread, the social media text thread, you know, when they're talking, you know, referencing more about it and making more jokes or just whatever she's just talked about. I just can't believe she said these things.
So is her past a surprise to you? No. Okay. That's kind of my twofold question is obviously finding out that she is You know, when I married her 20 years ago, you know, I put her past behind me, and it took me some time to get over that, but I did, and I don't want to shame her about her past.
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Chapter 4: What are healthy boundaries for friends with addiction?
Yeah, I think it's just, I'm up for being the person. It's just, it's hard being the only person.
That's fair. And I think that's where you can come in and say, I can't be your only anymore. And by the way, I'm not going to do things that violate my core value, which is like keep secrets from my husband. Not going to do that. Yeah. If you want help from me, of course, I'm going to bring him along. How dare you? You broke my trust.
Chapter 5: How do I support a friend struggling with alcoholism?
Okay, then you're asking me to violate one of my core, core values. I'm not going to lie to your family. You can tell them you're over my house. Fine. I'm not going to go out of my way to lie for you. Yeah. I'll go with you to meetings or I need to know why they're suddenly so unsafe that you have to lie to them, that you're bringing me into this.
But what you're not establishing, I think, that's important is like wipe the table clean and just spend a minute with you. It's probably good to journal about this a little bit. Write it down. Okay. What are my values? Or in another way to say it more directly, who am I? I'm a woman who never keeps secrets from her husband, period.
Yeah. Yeah. I will say that one of the things, and I feel like I have tried to do a lot of that type of reflection around this situation. One of the things that does bother me that might be a me issue is kind of like when she does come into town and we are with our friends and she is kind of pitching her life as something I know that it's absolutely not.
And so it becomes uncomfortable for, I mean, I think that's the problem I have with her not being honest with other people. It's because it's like uncomfortable for me to just sit by and listen to what I know is lies in front of people I know could help her and support her.
You need to tell her that directly.
Yeah.
When you come here, I can't just sit by and have you lie to all of our friends because that violates one of my core values, which is I don't lie to my friends.
Okay.
And so if y'all want to get together and we all hang out, that's fine. But you can't go on these tirades about how wonderful everything is when you're drowning. And I'm the only one who knows it. It's not fair to me. Especially because all these other women love you as much as I do. But you see how it comes back to not something she's doing, but it's one of your values that's being violated.
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Chapter 6: What should I do if I feel burdened by my friend's secrets?
Okay. I would tell her we need to have a hard conversation next month. Give her some time.
Okay.
And I think it's worth you writing down your bullet points of that conversation so that it doesn't get, because people who struggle with addiction are amazing at shifting the conversation. Part of the illness is honesty and ability to see reality as it is, right? All that's part, it's baked into it. And so the best you can do to not take it all personal, right?
As her dishonesty is a personal attack on you versus her dishonesty is a way her body's telling her, this is what we have to do to stay alive.
Mm-hmm.
Right? That's why making amends is so important, circling back and saying, I lied to you for this many years and I'm sorry. But that comes after. That's not step one, right? Right. And so you backing up and saying, hey, here's how this is going to go from here on out. You came to me and told me this. I'm taking the reins on my life now. Here's how this is going to go.
I'm bringing in these four people in 48 hours. You can get everybody together and we can have a conversation and we'll rally around you. We'll pray for you. We'll get you whatever wall pool or money. If you need to go to rehab, go to 30 date, whatever. But I can't carry this by myself anymore. Screw you. I can't believe I trusted you. Yeah, I'm sorry.
But she deserves to hear that from you directly. I think.
Yeah. Yeah. I'm comfortable saying that to her.
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Chapter 7: How do I maintain my values while helping a friend?
most of your day feels like I'm getting dragged behind the boat and I can't get on top of the water.
Yes, that's accurate.
And if your body knows any one thing that doesn't get done, the whole day falls over. It would be failing you if it let you sleep. So what happens is you go and you go and you go and you go and you go and you tell yourself a story. I don't have time to sit down and journal. I don't have time to go have a cup of coffee with somebody. I don't have time to go talk to a counselor.
My husband, I don't have time or any money to get somebody to come watch the kids for half a day so we can reimagine our marriage because our marriage is completely different than it was four years ago. Then your body's going to crash for three hours, take the minimum amount of sleep it can get by on, and it's going to spring you back awake because it is under threat.
Loneliness, clutter, debt, existential angst, anxiety. And what I mean by that is lots of scrolling, lots of news watching, lots of people making predictions about the future. And they're trying to get you to buy stuff because by terrifying you. And you got three little kids. Your body is not wired to absorb all of that.
So it may be that you're not broken as much as there's just some things you got to do differently during the day. Does that make sense?
Yes. Definitely the not having it in my head that there's zero time to sit down and that if one thing goes off the rails, then everything is toast. I just don't know how to get out of that thought pattern. It's so hard. I don't know how to make my brain stop doing that.
So in counseling, one of the terms we use is leakage. It's just a gross word, I know, but it is what it is. Those fears and those thoughts and those to-dos, they will find their way out of your body. You can take the time throughout the day and write them down, or they will wake you up in the middle of the night to get out, but they will come out.
Yeah. Yeah.
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Chapter 8: What should I do if my friend is dishonest about her recovery?
And I understand that what I'm asking a mother of three, are you working or are you staying at home?
I'm staying at home right now.
Okay. Can you honestly look me in the face even though we're on the phone and tell me you aren't dreadfully lonely?
I actually am not. I have like the best friends ever. I'm so blessed. I feel like I have an army of people.
Do you see them in person? Do you all hang out?
Yes.
Okay.
Do y'all talk about- Not as much as I'd like, but yeah.
You talk about real stuff?
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