On today’s episode, we hear about: · A man wondering how to tell his daughter that he’s not her biological father · A woman struggling to adjust to the political climate in the United States · A wife feeling pressured by her in-laws to live nearby Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How should I tell my teen daughter I'm not her biological father?
When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. Long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her.
Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter?
I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I was there when she was born and everything. Oh, homie. Man. Yikes.
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and fill out the form, and we will hollabackerel at you and get you on the show. All right, let's go out to my hometown, H-Town, and talk to Dennis. What's up, Dennis? Hey, John. How you doing? I'm good, brother. What's up, man?
All right, so I'm 35. When I was 19, I met the mother of my older daughter. I have two daughters. One's about to turn 16. The other one's 13. So I met my older daughter's mother. Long story short, she ended up being pregnant before I had met her.
Okay. Oh, so your 16-year-old daughter is an adopted daughter?
I don't know if you'd call it adopted. I signed the birth certificate. I was there when she was born and everything. So she doesn't know. that I'm not her biological father. She's 16? Yes, she's going to be 16 next month. Oh, homie. Man. Yikes. So I'm the kind of guy, I took responsibility because I'm the kind of guy that if you can do something right, you should do it. All right? Okay.
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Chapter 2: What challenges arise from not telling a child their true parentage?
And it's not because they found out that you... were an amazing dad that stood by her. You signed her birth certificate, which by the way, I don't even know if that's legal or not, but you did. And all throughout her life, you've been there. And then you and mom broke up and you've stayed. I'm assuming you continue to see her. You have custody rights and all that kind of stuff.
Yeah, she lives with me and everything. Okay. So that's not the issue. The issue for a 16-year-old finding this out will be now and forever, what else are they lying about? If they lied about something this big, is God real? Is sleeping around really that bad? You know what I'm saying? They'll question everything you've ever taught her, values-wise. This is a big one. This is a big one.
I didn't think about any of that.
It's less about, I mean, it is a big deal. She's going to want to know, who am I? Who's my real dad? But you have to understand, she's built a foundation. Her whole world rests on, I'm half this guy, Dennis, and half my mom. And when she finds out that she's half of a mystery person at 16, dude, that is psychologically unmooring. You get what I'm saying?
Yeah, I get that. I just worry about her future, man. What's this going to do to school? Is our grades going to drop or is our future going to be ruined?
I don't say ruined, no. What will ruin it is if she finds out her parents lied to her her whole life. The trauma here is the dishonesty, not that you stepped up.
Yeah, and that's a big thing with me, too. I don't want a letter. Right.
And so, yeah, dude, because here's the thing. She's going to find out. She's going to do a DNA test. She's going to have to fill out questionnaires about health history. I mean, and by the way, does her bio dad know she exists?
Yes, from what her mom tells me. I'm not entirely sure how truthful she's been.
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Chapter 3: What are the potential psychological effects on my daughter?
Yeah. She's always had... narcissistic tendencies.
I don't care about the diagnostic term. Is she somebody who doesn't tell the truth?
Lately? No. I mean, yes, lately. Yes. But in the past, no. Okay. She has lied throughout our relationship. She's lied to me before.
So dude, okay. So I'm jumping in here. Sorry. What's your question? Are you asking, should you tell her?
I guess the question is, should I tell her sooner rather than later? Yes.
I would tell your ex, this is happening, period. Okay. The best possible scenario for your daughter is you and her mother tell her together.
Just tell her if she has to be on board. No, she doesn't have to be on board. You tell her. I'm going to do it by myself.
That's exactly right. The best possible outcome for your daughter is that y'all get in a room and say, we held this from you. We did the best we could with what we thought was right. And now we've learned that we were wrong and we are sorry. And we messed this thing up. And you be very clear about, I wasn't involved in making you, but I got here as soon as I could.
And I didn't tell you early, but please, the best you can, let my actions speak louder than my words. I am your dad and you are my daughter. Yeah. But if I'm her, the very first thing I'm going to say is y'all lied to me. The very next thing I'm going to ask is, does he even know I exist?
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Chapter 4: How can I ensure my daughter feels loved during this revelation?
Okay.
And I guess what I want you to hear me saying is in every way possible, I want this sweet 16-year-old girl whose world is about to get turned upside down, that when she feels like she is in a free fall, that at the very worst, you are free falling with her. At the very best, you're going to be free falling, but don't ever forget, I've got you. You're anchored in. You know what I'm saying?
So in a perfect world, this starts at like four or five. Okay. Age four or five with that sentiment. I wasn't there when you were made, but I got here as soon as I could. And from the age of three, four, five, whatever age those conversations start coming up, she always knows, I picked you.
And remember when she was four or five and trying to fight you on everything and trying to establish boundaries and all that, like all four or five and nine, 10 and 13 year olds do. The common refrain is I picked you. Right. I wish I'd, I wish I'd known all that. I know. I know. And that's why I'm not beating you up, but it's that old Maya Angelou quote, like do the best you can.
And then when you find out different, you do better. Right. And so here you are, you're faced with a really tough situation. Um, From the few things you've told me about your ex, I am doubling and tripling down on my relationship with this young little girl.
And you can tell your ex, you can be with us, but we're going forward this way because this little girl deserves to know the truth about her life, the truth about how loved she is, the truth about truth. She deserves to know all that. And that conversation for a 16-year-old, 16-year-olds are smart. They get it. They're aware.
They're not emotionally mature, but they get stuff in really big ways, often underestimated by adults. But you sit down and the first thing you say is, I'm about to dump your world upside down. And I thought I was doing right. And I'm so, so sorry. But today starts me doing right.
That's scary.
It's terrifying. Yeah. And expect her to lose her mind. Expect your ex to say all the right things. And your 16-year-old to say, screw you, dad. I want to go live with her. Expect all that. It's going to be a ping pong match of emotions for her because her whole world's getting dumbed upside down. I mean, just think for a second, like her dad's not her dad. I mean, I'm sorry.
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Chapter 5: What if my daughter's biological father wants to be involved?
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Chapter 6: How do I navigate the conversation with my ex about this?
What does that mean? I co-host the Ramsey show where we teach people to get out of debt. That means my whole job is dedicated to making sure he doesn't have business. And his whole job is making sure that people think I'm dumb. Right. I mean, at the end of the day, and he's the executor of my will. He's my closest friend in the world. I love his kids and his family and vice versa.
So it's just a, it's a very American, like we disagree on like principles, but man, our values are iron clad. I trust that guy with my life. Right. And so, yeah, it's just a very different cultural thing. So tell me how, how you're experiencing it here. Is it with family? Is it with friends? Is it, where's it coming?
It's coming from both sides. I'd say I'm kind of in the middle because I live in a rural part of Ohio. I live in Cincinnati. So as you can imagine, most people around me are Republican. And then my parents and the rest of my family live in Canada, and they're not the biggest fan of the current president right now because of tariffs and everything. So every conversation I have is...
one side of the aisle, the next side of the aisle, the one side of the aisle, the next side of the aisle. And it's a little bit much.
So let's take politics off the table. Cause that's a tough, that's just a third rail conversation, especially when you're stuck in the middle. Right. Yeah. Um, if somebody, I don't know, like one of my coworkers is pathologically addicted to, uh, murder podcasts, her name may be Kelly, right? Just, just, I'm just throwing that out there. Um,
What would it be like if somebody always wanted to talk about the last murder show on 60 Minutes they watched, and they wanted to tell you graphic details about all the murder and the death? Now, Kelly's like, oh, my gosh, that'd be my best friend. But for you, how would you respond to that?
I guess I would do what I'm doing in this situation. It's just I get quiet. Okay.
So tell me about that. What does getting quiet get you?
I don't see any reason to be in the conversation. I don't really have an opinion when it comes to it. I don't really feel like I should in some ways, back and forth. And I just want them to feel heard. But then I'm kind of sick of hearing it, I guess, is an easy way to put it.
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Chapter 7: What if I don't want to hurt my daughter's feelings?
Um, it's just because I don't know. I, I, I guess I'm a bit of a people pleaser.
I peacemaker. Definitely.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I don't like to make conflict. Uh, I like to keep everything at bay.
Yes.
But this, it's just, it's constant. It's all the time. It's in my face. I don't even feel like I can go on my phone anymore.
That's right.
Because I don't even see a single thing about politics. Doesn't matter what side it's on.
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Chapter 8: How can I support my daughter through this emotional upheaval?
Yes, I do.
Okay, so practice with me real quick. I'll be your husband, okay?
Okay. I think...
I don't know, I'm just making something up. I don't want someone to clip it. They're going to clip what I'm about to say, and then they're going to put it out on the internets. I think that American politics are the best thing ever, and I think Canadian politics are the worst, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And we're sitting down for dinner. Now go.
See, this is where I start. I feel like freezing and just not saying anything. Okay, do me a favor. Exhale.
Exhale. And I want you to take your thumb and your forefinger or your thumb and your middle finger, whichever one's more comfortable for your hand. And I want you just to squeeze them together. And all we're doing is recognizing, I feel a thing and I'm on it.
Okay.
And let's go one step further. I'll even say it's unfair for your husband who doesn't know how uncomfortable he's making you. Or he actually knows you're uncomfortable. He doesn't know why. And maybe in his weird ways, trying to connect with you.
Okay.
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