On today’s episode, we hear about: · A husband wanting to feel loved outside of intimacy · A young couple struggling to get her parents’ blessing · A wife unsure how to cope with anger toward her in-laws Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: Why do young men equate love with sex?
I heard you say that a lot of young men nowadays only know how to give and receive love through sex. I felt a little pointed out when you said that. So I'd love to know, how does one learn how to receive love through other methods? And I really want to make it easier for my wife to love me.
Chapter 2: How can one learn to receive love beyond intimacy?
Yo, what's going on? This is John. With the Dr. John Deloney Show, I'm so grateful that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships. Whatever you got going on in your crazy, crazy life. Whew, man. We all have it. I've got it. Everybody's got it. Kelly especially has it. Kelly, the show producer. So much so that she wore all of her necklaces today.
Blang, blang. Do you have a pinky ring that costs about 50? No?
No, I don't. I do have on my yellow rose a Texas gold ring, though. That's all I got.
That cost about $10.
Hey, actually, no, it didn't.
Ah, here we go. Hey, if you want to be on this show, I'd love to have you. 1-844-693-3291. Give me a call. For you texters out there, yes, you'll have to call, but a human won't answer. It will just be a recording, and you can leave a message or shoot us a note at johndeloney.com slash ask.
And big time, big time, if you'll hit the subscribe button, if you will share these episodes with your friends, leave five-star reviews, it makes a huge, huge difference for us. Let's roll out to Cleveland, Ohio and talk to Adam. Hey, Adam, what's up?
Hey, Dr. John. It's delighted. I'm delighted to talk to you today.
I'm glad that you called, man. And for those of you who aren't Adam, it took us a long time to get this show rolling this morning because we had lots of technical difficulties because... Ben doesn't like hitting record. I don't know, I'm just blaming you because I saw you at a corner of my eye, Ben. But no, it's all good, man. Adam, what's up?
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Chapter 3: What challenges do couples face in seeking parental approval?
Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, you look really nice today. It's like, oh, sweet. You just want to take your shirt off. I get that. I totally get it. I'm trying to do this in a way that I can also teach at the same time instead of just pulling apart your situation. Because I know I'm really grateful that you called because millions and millions of men experience this.
And on the other side, millions and millions of spouses experience trying to love with three kids. How old are your boys? Three, five, and eight. Good gosh. You haven't felt loved in a long time, have you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Tell me about growing up for you.
Um, I, my, my, my father was pretty, uh, intense. I'll say, um, my mother was very loving and kind of tried to protect us from his outbursts. I'll say, um, so, uh, love was kind of avoiding my father and leaning into that relationship with my mother.
Okay, man, you are, um, you're, you're helping a lot of people by being honest. Um, what did high school romance look like for you?
Uh, a lot. I, I had, I was, I was a serial monogamous. Um, I, I had long relationships, but a lot of them. Yes. And, um, very deep, very deep, very fast.
Uh, I wouldn't say deep, uh, but I mean like this, did you fall hard?
Yeah. Oh, and I was always the one who loved more than the other. Even now in my relationship, I'm the adorer. Okay. And my wife is the adored. And every single girlfriend I'd ever had, I fell harder than they did. Yes. It's almost embarrassing to think about it, honestly.
Well, so I get that, but also I want to step back and... I don't know, dude, if I let myself, it's a rainy day here in Nashville. It's kind of just a gray day. And so it's just one of those days where I just on the way to work, I was a little extra introspective just because of the weather. And I listened to like moody music kind of thing. I can get choked up. Here's why.
I'm thinking about a little boy who so desperately wants to be seen and known and hugged by his old man and is constantly having to be rescued by mom. by this maternal figure. And I'm looking at a little boy who goes off a cliff every time somebody gives him a little bit of attention because not because there's something wrong with him or it's embarrassing, but because he's desperate for oxygen.
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Chapter 4: How can love languages complicate relationships?
But when we say we want something and someone says, I'm not going to give that to you, that's so devastating that we then dump it into this, well, I need it. I need it. I have to have, right? And so the ultimate question I have to ask, are you wondering, becomes, Why doesn't somebody love me? Because when you outsource it to a physical act, it's basically a little kid asking, will you prove it?
Will you prove it? Will you prove it? Yeah. And when you get a group of guys, and I'm all about getting a group of guys to meet with, I talk about that all the time, you have to have that. But if the group of guys just sit around and it's this, iron sharpens iron happens through action. It doesn't happen around like, So what did you do? Are you struggling with this? What are your struggles?
You get what I'm saying? Because it just becomes a one-up. Yeah, it's trying to hack your way around. Do we have to go do stuff together? We have to share a common purpose and mission. And I would be willing to bet there's a lot of secrets held at that table. Fair? Yes. Yeah, I think so. And you might be the open one, which is awesome.
But I've never seen one of those groups where someone doesn't sit down and be like, hey, I'm cheating on my wife. And it stuns everybody. Or I've been an alcoholic for three years. Everyone's like, what? And they don't know. Now, again, it's not every group. But backing all the way out, let me ask you this. You, Adam, why don't you feel like you're lovable? What is it about you?
I don't know. I think, like, intellectually, I feel like everybody should love me. Like, I'm pretty much a people pleaser. But hold on. You had to be.
You had to be.
Yeah. Yeah.
That was a survival skill.
Yeah. And I was the guy that you say the trauma response of getting... good grades. I was that guy. Um, and was pretty, I generally been successful at everything. I put my, my hand in my mind too. And, and I'm also just like, I got a silver tongue. I'm good at talking to people.
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Chapter 5: What does love look like in a busy family life?
Love look like an increasingly that's ramp up the novelty of our sex. Yeah, you're absolutely right. But that's not about her. She's going to scream when she listens to that. Well, here's the thing. It's you chasing a ghost. Will you do a quick experiment with me or a quick exercise with me? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, I want you to close your eyes. Okay.
Okay.
Your old man walks in and sits down. I want you to picture him sitting down. What do you say to him? You can say anything. You can ask him anything. Why was it so difficult to be nice to me? No, that was silver tongue, Adam. Why won't you love me? No. You're just answering that because you want me to answer that. What would you say? I really think that's what I'd say.
I think I would say to him, you were a jerk to me as a kid. Okay. Why was it so difficult for you to be a kind person? I care so much about kindness now.
Talk to him. Talk to him. Talk to him.
I feel like you were nice to everybody else. Everybody else thought you were a nice guy. Everybody I've met nowadays thinks that you're a nice guy and doesn't understand me when I say that you were a jerk to me when I was a kid. Why did you treat me like that? Keep going. Why did you treat mom like that? Why did you treat my sister like that? I don't understand that.
Why you feel like it's acceptable to behave like a child to me and my family. I don't know. I think that's it. That's all I'd say.
Now, I want you to do something even harder. Imagine you're 10. I want you to look down with your eyes closed and your feet aren't touching the floor. And you see your little feet kicking. I don't know what kind of shoes you wore. I wore little Converse All-Stars when I was a kid. I want you to look at whatever shoes you're kicking. I want you to look back up and see your dad.
What does 10-year-old Adam ask your old man?
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Chapter 6: Why is it hard to feel loved by a spouse?
You can tell something to a counselor that I promise you will make their toes curl. Fair?
Maybe. I don't know. You can. I've lived a pretty boring life.
Yeah. And then the second part is I want you to sit down with your wife and begin to have conversations about want. Play. Laughter. We often exchange excitement for joy. We think we're chasing this excitement. And if we're good men, we dump all that on one person. It's just a lot. What brings you joy? What gives you peace in your heart? Is sex a part of that? Of course it is.
Is adventurous, novel sex a part of that? Of course it is. But if that's the end aim, I'm promising you, nobody can hold that. We have a culture that's been melted by that message. So A, your wife is blessed and it's honorable that she has a husband that just wants her all the time. But I also promise you, she feels that you don't want her to be together. You want her because she's feeling it.
You want her like a Xanax. Yeah. And that's not sex. That's numbing. That is so I don't have to feel unloved in my own skin. And I wish there was another way other than grief demands a witness. You sitting with another person, preferably a trained person, but maybe these guys are your guys. And you can sit down and have like the deep heart. I got to be seen.
Here's a couple of easy things you can do in a day. Have the breaks and gas pedals conversation. I want you and your wife to read Emily Nagatsky's. What's the name of that book? I just lost it.
Come As You Are.
Come As You Are. That's right. Y'all read that book together. Read that book together. And I want y'all to have some conversation. And it will be super, super comically awkward in all the best ways. Emily's a great writer, but she gets right to it, man. And I want y'all to begin to ask questions like, how can I love you? What does love look like in this moment today? And on and on and on.
the sex will come and i'm telling you this is wild sex will be different it will be deeper and uh more more fulfilling in a wild way and it will be a what kind of sex you want to have tonight and what are you into and it becomes something it becomes an act of play an act of escape not an act of desperation it's the greatest sexual ever ever ever have Because it won't be survival sex.
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Chapter 7: How to navigate difficult family dynamics?
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All right, let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia, home of the Braves that ruined my childhood because they had all those great pitchers. Talk to Emily. Hey, Emily, what's up?
Hey, yeah, so I just have a question. My husband grew up in a very abusive family. And it just really makes me mad, the stories and some of the mess we've been dealing with now. But I really just want to be able to look past that, forgive them, and just kind of pretend none of that has happened.
And I want dragons to be real, and I want four million lives.
Yeah, pretty much. So pretty much a compromise between consuming me and yeah.
So when you said dealing with the mess now, what has emerged since y'all got married?
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Chapter 8: What steps can couples take to improve their relationship?
Yeah.
So what I don't want you to do is be led by that power, that 12-year-old girl who's totally powerless. And now that you have bigger muscles, right, you're bigger and you don't put up with that crap anymore. that you're going to try to exercise that demon with this dead mother-in-law.
Okay.
And my guess is you're being, you're telling me only some of it.
Yeah. If I told you everything, we'd be here for hours and hours and hours. So it's kind of like, yeah. Yeah.
So you have a sense of justice inside your, your heart and your chest that I think is so good and right. But that sense of justice also comes because you had to protect yourself because no one else would. No one else did.
And so in a strange, awful way, that scumbag, piece of crap, child molesting youth minister and the abusive mother who beat your husband into unconsciousness when he was a young kid. both of them every single day have a seat at your dinner table.
Yeah. They're still here with me, even though they're not with me.
That's right.
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