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Chapter 1: How can I talk to my wife about her phone use?
How can I talk to my wife about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness? It's hard for me to push through that and for us to get through that barrier.
You're never going to get through that barrier until you'll deal with the way you treated her in the past. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your relationships. Your marriages, your kids, your emotional and mental health, whatever you got going on in your life.
For 20 years, 20 plus years, man, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move when everything's falling apart. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Fill out the form or leave a message and we'll holler back or let you. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado. Denver CEO and talk to Martin.
What's up, Martin?
Hey, how you doing today? I'm doing all right, brother. How about you, man? I'm doing well. Thank you for having me on your show. I really appreciate it. Absolutely, man. What's up? So my question is, how can I talk to my wife about her cell phone use without causing defensiveness?
That's my favorite question of the day so far, Martin. Um, without causing defensiveness, why is that your goal?
Um, so there's a lot of, uh, background to, to the question. Um, okay, let it rip. So the first half of the first eight or nine years of our marriage were very, uh, emotionally abusive from my side and it caused a lot of walls, um, between us.
Okay.
And, um, When I would come home from work and I would see if the house is dirty or things that weren't the way I wanted them, and I would notice that maybe she was on her phone, I would automatically say, well, you've been on your phone for multiple hours. Why haven't you been cleaning the house? And that has led to other conversations, to other areas of our marriage.
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Chapter 2: How do past actions affect current marital issues?
and say that was then, I wasn't safe then, but I'm safe now. That's a choice you have to make in that moment. And so your wife for eight or nine years, almost a decade, experienced living in the home with an overbearing dad. Oh yeah, big time. Okay. And she's probably had scars from her own dad. Cause that's tends to be how those cycles work. And then she married another version of him.
And so now she's in a home. You'll have worked really hard. Y'all have changed. You've changed. You've literally not just stopped getting mad about the house being a little bit dirty to your liking, but you've let that go. Right. And by the way, I'm doing my best. Yes. Well, that's, We can talk about that in a second. Okay.
But I'm going to say women, but I'm saying it, people in positions of lesser power, kids are incredible face readers. They're incredible body energy tuners, if you will, because they have to. That's how they stay safe. I say often women, but women are usually smaller. They're in a more precarious position. Both of you get mad, right?
So they are very good, not always, but sometimes, at identifying body language. They can feel you walk in the door. And so you can say, oh, it's good to see you. But she knows, oh God, he's pissed. I can feel it on him, right? And so that means you have to do the work to regulate your nervous system. And that's not just going to counseling and learning some tips and tricks.
That's you getting to the root of why in the world would something as trivial as dishes in the sink make me mad? Why would I outsource my joy to that? That's ridiculous, right? And then you get into other things. But that's your work to do, brother. But let's get to her. She's going to have to choose, when she sees that flash across your face, to feel that less than, ask herself, is it true?
Yeah, I actually just sat here on the phone for five hours today and didn't do anything. Or, no, I've been working hard all day. He just caught me just in this one weird moment. And she's going to have to choose to move on too. Does that make sense? Yep. So you can't, You can't solve that for her is what I would say.
My bigger question is, what is it about being inside her own home that she still has to hide inside of a cell phone? Think of a cell phone as Xanax nowadays. Scrolling is a way to numb out, to be present. It's like alcohol. It's like, I'm here, but I'm not there. What is it about her own home that she feels like she has to hide inside of? That's a good question.
Because here's the sucky thing about... Let's take the phone away. Let's pretend she drank. Every day you came home and she had a tumbler full of vodka. Okay? Mm-hmm. The question we don't often ask is what is going on in her life that her body has figured out is this is the best way we can handle this problem. Or said in another way, alcohol works, man.
Yeah. And alcohol... My ultimate, I mean. Scrolling Instagram works.
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Chapter 3: How can I rebuild trust in a marriage?
Yeah.
Right. Yep. Or that you thought it was going to feel like when there's a big economic correction and everybody's job goes away. There's something about having a math problem, right? I'm with you. I want a number. I want a number and a savings account. It's my emergency fund. I'm with you on that.
But anything else is me using future pain as a way to numb a current, present-day decision I need to make.
Mm-hmm.
It's a Xanax. Okay. The second part of it is, here's the only question you need to ask yourself. Will I wake up every single day and come what may, good stuff, bad stuff, I will make it my mission to love you in the best way that I know how. And part two to that is, vulnerably, will you make that same commitment that you'll wake up every day and decide to love me the best way you know how?
Yeah.
That's beautiful. And she's the type of girl that will do that. She'll do that with me and I'll do that with her.
So are you in? I'm in. I'm all in. Game on? Game on. Okay. Okay. If you get married and mom needs a place to go and wife says the only right move is mom to move in with us, then y'all figure that problem out together. Yeah. And if you say, I see what's coming and I don't want to have a mother-in-law living with me, then break up with your girlfriend and set her free.
But holding on to one of those things and holding your girlfriend, future wife's head underwater is not fair.
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