On today’s episode, we hear about: · A husband trying to rebuild his marriage after an affair · A man struggling to process emotions after his girlfriend revealed past trauma · A young wife seeking advice on how to support her husband with his health issues Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show T-Shirts Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. 🏔️ Use code DELONY at Poncho Outdoors. Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 The EntreLeadership Podcast Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How can a marriage recover from an affair?
And then I saw the last message that she had received from him was, good night, baby, I love you.
And then I confronted her the next day about it. Did she show you all the text messages and pictures and all the things they'd exchanged? No, she didn't. I didn't push for it. I probably should have. You should have because, hey, you're playing a charade. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you're doing well.
We're talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids. grief, just whatever's going on in your life. My promise is I'm going to sit with you and we'll talk about it. We're going to figure out what's the next right move. What's one step we could take? Maybe two or three. Where do we go from here?
If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. Kelly, this weekend I took my son, 14-year-old, to his first heavy metal show. I'm buddies with the guitarist and he was pretty generous and Two big moments. Moment number one, my son looked around and got a really clear understanding as to why I dress how I do.
He's like, dad, these are your people. And the second thing is at some one point I looked over, now he's a country, 90s country guy. He would prefer to be at a George Strait show. I failed him, but he'd prefer to be like a Garth Brooks or George Strait show. But at one point I looked over and he was bobbing his head real hard. And I was like, that's what I'm talking about.
That's what I'm talking about. He wants none of it. He just wants to go back to hee haw music. There we go.
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Chapter 2: What are the emotional struggles after discovering infidelity?
See, I say this because I know personally people can be a fan of both.
Agree or disagree. I'm just kidding. I'm a huge fan of both. I saw Garth Brooks and that dude jams.
Yeah.
And my buddy Aaron Watson jams.
I'm a huge country fan and a huge rock metal fan. I agree.
And if you peel away the instruments, they kind of sing about the same stuff.
Yeah.
Like, I'll fight you.
There's a very similar... Let's drink too much. You know, between the two. Yeah.
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Chapter 3: How do you rebuild trust after betrayal?
But I just can't seem to get these, like, as you described them, like, light bulb thoughts. Like, they just kind of come out of nowhere. Like, thoughts about it. And, I mean... I don't know how to explain it. It's not near as bad as it was. It's definitely getting better.
How long ago did this happen?
I made the discovery in January, and now it's October.
Okay. How'd you find out?
Well, it's a bit of a story. But my wife came home one day in August and told me about a new friend she had made at work. And over the course of a month, it seemed like they was talking way too much outside of work and I was uncomfortable with it. And I tried discussing it with her and she kept telling me, it's nothing, it's nothing. And then... I don't know.
One day, one day I woke up in the middle of the night and I just had a feeling and I checked her smartwatch. And then I saw the last message that she had received from him was good night, baby. I love you. And then I confronted her the next day about it.
She come clean. Yeah. Did she show you all the text messages and pictures and all the things that exchanged?
No, she did not completely open up her phone to me. Why not? She wasn't up for it, and I didn't push for it. I probably should have.
You should have, because, hey, you're playing a charade, because I think you know there's more there. Yeah. Am I right?
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Chapter 4: What should you do when dealing with past trauma in a relationship?
I'm incredibly nervous, so I'm just going to stumble through this here.
Oh, yeah. Don't be nervous. But I know that's like saying like, don't have brown hair like this. You can't help that. So just be as nervous as you want to be.
All right. So my husband has been struggling with some digestive health issues that have kept him from eating, kept him from keeping the food down that he does eat. And so he's extremely malnourished and underweight. To provide just a 30-second background, we're both coming off of some pretty heavy childhood trauma issues. On my end, my dad is a disabled veteran with PTSD and a cancer survivor.
So I've always kind of taken on a caregiver role and doctors and hospitals have just been a complete constant in my life. And I kind of thought I was stepping out of that. And now my husband's dealing with this health concern. So the problem is,
I've been in panic mode trying to get him to do all the steps he needs to take and heal, but he just kind of seems disinterested, like he's given up on himself. He's very hesitant to follow the doctor's diet or see personal counseling because the doctors have told us that it stems from his severe anxiety.
So my question is, how can I help him to see the importance of his health when it feels like he's already given up? Hmm.
You've had a rough go of it, sister. Are you tired?
I'm really tired.
And the men in your life are in pain, huh?
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Chapter 5: How can you support a partner who has experienced trauma?
No. No. I mean, things have gotten better between us, but... Leave it there for a second and sit in that.
Because that hurts to say out loud.
Yeah.
Because there's a nine-year-old little girl wondering why your dad keeps drinking. And why your dad's so mad. And why your dad is banging the cabinets in the middle of the night when you're trying to sleep. Scared to death out of your mind, trying to hide under your covers. Right?
Yes.
Yeah. That was, you should not have experienced that as a little girl. I'm sorry. And the way your body tried to solve that was by learning everything from every doctor and every medical textbook and every Google search you could find. Because you were going to solve and figure out what was wrong with dad. And I'm telling you right now, as a little girl, that wasn't your job.
And I'm sorry that you had to take that on. Thank you.
It's exhausting.
You should have been out playing with your friends and being ridiculous and going on dates and listening to Taylor Swift and just being silly. And instead, you were a home health care nurse to somebody who didn't want your help, right?
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Chapter 6: What actions can help in emotional healing after infidelity?
I just, I get scared because he's sitting right above the lethal BMI for men now and they're telling him that he has to do something right now.
I know. But do you realize there's an electric fence talking to an electric fence?
Yeah.
like the greatest gift you can give him right now is peace. And the only way you can give something that you don't have is you got to go get it. And so, um, the guy who trained me, Dr. Young, um, you can go back and listen to the episode. I actually had him on my show. He's one of my heroes. Um, he used to train, one of the core training sentiments he always gave us was calm is contagious.
And in your home, if every sexual encounter, every touchstone, I didn't say sexual encounter, but every physical interaction is electric, is performance-based, this has to go right or else, you'll starve each other of the thing you need most, which is peace in each other.
Mm-hmm.
And if every meal you're counting every bite and every calorie, your husband will know every time he sits down to do something as silly as eat a meal, he is in front of a stage of thousands. And his body will go to fight or flight or freeze. And so there's something horrifying about making peace with somebody making their choices.
And also, strangely, that's the only way when someone is just double over in anxiety. It's the only way they can begin to slowly exhale. It's peace. Putting out fires one by one by one. So the thing that kept you safe as a kid, knowing every doctor appointment, talking to every doctor, knowing every medication, knowing all the AM pills and the PM pills, that will destroy your adult marriage.
Because your husband doesn't need a mom. He just needs a safe place to land. Yeah. And like, you haven't been married very long. You don't know how to do that. I've been married forever. I'm still learning how to do that. Right. And as soon as I think I've got what safe space means, my wife, she changes. She reads new books. She has new experiences. She has new spiritual insights, whatever.
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Chapter 7: How to handle feelings of powerlessness in relationships?
But often that's a way of frame it as a partner, as a romantic interest, as someone who's ride or die, you and me versus the world. Showing up and telling somebody, you need to eat, you need to take your pills, you need to do this. That's just another parent telling them something that I'm not doing that. So in one way, I feel like I'm telling you it's like you're kind of powerless.
In another way, I'm telling you the strength and power you have will come from the inside out, will become from peace, and it'll become from love, and it'll become from connection, not rules and rules and finger pointing. Do you hear that?
Yeah. And when I'm in that situation and I'm feeling scared and anxious, I know that I come off as angry because of that frustration. And I know that sets him off and makes things worse.
Hold on. No, no, no, no. He gets to choose that too. I want to empower you both. You get to look at your husband and say, When you choose to do things behaviorally that I know that the doctors told us are hurting you, I get to be upset about that. I have permission to be angry and heartbroken about that. And he gets to choose whether he reacts to that.
But the language in your house of you're making me and you're making, it's not true. Let's just pass him the buck. You get to choose anger. You get to choose frustration. You get to choose heartbreak when the man you love, the man that promised you till death do us part, ride or die, is like, nah, I'm not going to take my meds. I'm not going to do what the doctor said.
I'm not going to go to counseling with you. I don't want to address my anxiety. You get to be sad about that. It'd be weird if you weren't, right?
Yeah.
And just know your body's running a program. It's seen this before with your dad, a man that you love, the man you were constantly asking, what am I not doing for you to get well and for you to love me? And I want you to hear me say, it's not about you with him, with your dad. And it's not about you with your husband. They both have demons that they have to decide. I want to heal.
And for you, somebody that's been trying so hard to be seen, of being worthy of being loved, I want you to hear me say you are, you are, you are, you are.
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