On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman wondering if it’s too late to save her marriage · A wife looking for ways to be a more spontaneous parent · A husband reconsidering the vision he has for his family Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What happened during the argument that led to the arrest?
Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, and you can type away, fill in the form, and maybe even chat GPT. We'll write it for you. You can put it in the form and ship it off and then we'll give you a buzz and have you on the show. And yes, I get calls. I mean, I get direct messages. We take calls from all over the planet.
So if you're in some other country somewhere, I'm glad that you're in our gang and glad that you're with us and I'd love to have you on. All right, let's go down the road a couple hours to Knoxville, Tennessee and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth, what's up?
Hey, Dr. John, how are you?
I'm good, lady. What's up, ma'am?
So it's kind of, a difficult thing to talk about. Um, so excuse me if I get emotional.
Hey, listen, you are, you can get as emotional as you want and go slow as you want and only say what you want it to. Okay.
Okay.
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Chapter 2: How does physical abuse impact relationships?
Same team.
I'll just give some backstory. Me and my husband met in 2023 in February. Um, we got married in November. We found out we were having a baby in December. So fast forward, our son is now seven months old and, um, It's been really rocky. Um, we had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical, um, abuse, I guess you would say.
Um, he was charged with, um, aggravated assault against me and is now in jail. And I'm, I'm torn between like leaving or staying. Like I feel guilty. I feel like I'm kind of ruining his life. Um, So I don't really know where to go or what to do.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
That's not how this is supposed to go.
No.
So let me make sure. I'm going to read back to you what I got in my mind to make sure I'm hearing you right, okay? Okay. You met this guy a couple years ago. Y'all fell in love pretty hard, pretty fast. How old are you?
we're about 25 okay so still kind of young but you're going for it y'all got married and then i guess y'all you got pregnant on your honeymoon and yeah then um you have a seven month old and since you've been married your husband's i didn't get the game he's playing too much playing video games all the time tell me more about that yeah it was so he struggled really hard like when
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Chapter 3: What are the signs of a toxic marriage?
Did he just ignore you guys? No helping with the bottles, no helping with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing?
Yeah. My son was nearly three months old, and he hadn't even washed a bottle yet. He would wash them, but he would lay them in the bathroom beside him and put his...
headphones on and just kind of listen for him to cry oh god so did he do this before the baby was born or while you were pregnant he he played games um he's played games the whole time I've known him but it wasn't to this extent okay so it just kind of got worse so tell me what happened the night it escalated so earlier that night um he wanted to have sex and uh
And so we kind of got arguing about that. And then he went to play his game.
How did the argument go?
It was like... He was... I was, we were actually laying down to watch a movie and I was falling asleep and he was like trying to wake me up to have sex. And I told, I got aggravated. I told him like, I'm trying to fall asleep. Like I've been working, like I want to get some rest. And he's like, you know, well, you told me like I could wake you up sometime and be spontaneous.
And I was like, yeah, like after I've had a rest, not like when I'm falling asleep. And it just kind of turned into like, I don't know. He started making me feel like I don't care about him. And, And it was like, like I was going back on my word or something. And it was like a big misunderstanding that way.
So then he gets up, he's throwing like a major league two-year-old tantrum, but he's in a 25-year-old man's body. And then he gets up to go play his video games.
Yeah, so right after the argument, I went outside to just breathe because our arguments have escalated and I'm just kind of, I just kind of exit.
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Chapter 4: How can someone safely leave an abusive relationship?
So there'll be a lot of yelling, a lot of cursing. It's not always physical like it has been before, but not to this extent.
Paint me a picture of physical, like what does that look like?
Like there was an argument where he had taken our son, um, right before I was about to shower with him and was like trying to get me to talk to him. Like he was using my kid. He knew I was about to get in the, like bathe my son. And, um, I'm trying to grab my kid and he's like pushing me, like push me back. And like, we're just arguing over it.
And so, so let me paint this picture. Cause it's, I'm asking these questions on purpose. Cause I'm getting to, I'm, I'm, I'm walking along a path that I don't normally walk with a collar. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am. Okay. I'm not just being nosy. Actually, I'm going somewhere, okay? Okay.
So I'm painting a picture, or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on, who's getting into the shower, carrying her newborn. He grabs the baby. You're standing half in and half out of the shower. You don't have any clothes on, and he's shoving you, saying, you're going to come talk to me?
Yeah, he had... carried the child into his bedroom, or carried our child into the bedroom, and he's like, well, I'm going to change the stopper, and I'm like, I'm taking the stopper off to shower, and then it's like, And he had later admitted that he was using our son's like.
But there's a particular, there's a particular, and the reason the picture of this moment, and I know it's a little bit of a graphic moment. I don't want all of these people who listen to the show trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. That's not the point. The point here is there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability.
And a woman who is unclothed, holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a slippery, unsafe situation to shower. And a guy that will use that moment to exert some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid, right? Weaponize their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book. You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell.
We'll get through that kind of stuff. But I'm trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel, very immature man.
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Chapter 5: What resources are available for mental health support?
I mean, I don't know.
I know that I shouldn't have done that, but... Yeah, but there's... So here's what... I'll say fine, yeah. You probably shouldn't have done that. And that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form, or fashion. Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho. What he did was a crime. Do you get the difference?
And all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight every once in a while. That happens. And that's why repair, like coming back together after a fight, that's such an important skill for all relationships. We say dumb things. We do something dumb. Like I step outside and I act bratty or whatever the thing is. But we don't commit crimes of violence.
And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in my questions back to you, you're hearing me. I'm trying to be as calm as I can, but I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me. What I'm hearing is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions. He has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife.
He has one interest and one interest only, and that's him. And clearly he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with. Clearly. But I'm going to look at behavior, not diagnostic here, because I don't have that information. I never talked to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is, you got to show up for your kids.
You can't hide behind 24-hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you. You cannot shove... An exhausted naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath You can't do that. You can't use your son your baby as a as a as a lure To get another adult to do what you want him to do out of fear.
You're gonna hurt their kid You don't take over some try to like have wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and And demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you you don't shove a woman down even if she's You put your hands on even if even if she pulls off your headset and said if I can't do if you're gonna wake Me up and you can't play video games.
That's silly, but You don't then respond by shoving her up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck letting you know I could kill you right now if I wanted to So reading that back that way, and I know by the way, in 99.9% of these conversations, you're soft pedaling it for me, right?
Yeah, I think so.
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Chapter 6: How can one be a more spontaneous parent?
This is bananas. We were seeing a marriage counselor, and she would she had known that it had been physical before, like before this happened. And she was like, she was like, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that, but I want you guys to know like what you're doing with this normal. And like, he's repeated that back to me. I can't even tell you how many times like this is normal.
Like what we're going through is normal. And I'm like, this is not like something is wrong here.
She said that her husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal.
Yeah.
That it's just, she should have her license taken away. That's not normal. It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, form, or fashion. She should have her license stripped for her.
Now, if she was saying, I will not tolerate you putting your hands on them, every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage, is going to struggle with communication and figuring things out and dad's trying to check out. That is normal. But if she's telling you, you just got to like, hey, some guys just shove their wives around. That's not true.
I mean, it's true that that happens. That is not normal. It's not right. It's not good. It's not something you just deal with. Do you have a friend? Do you have a, I don't know, somebody you work with, somebody that could let y'all crash?
I think maybe my babysitter. I thought about staying where I'm at and getting an order of protection out and maybe filing for emergency contact, but I don't know.
I think that's very, very wise.
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Chapter 7: What should you do if your therapist normalizes abusive behavior?
And everybody struggles with communication challenges, right?
Yeah.
That's my hope. If not, if the therapist was saying, no, no, no, everybody kind of shoves around each other a little bit. That's okay. Then I want to know because I'm going to file on their license. Okay. So get that kind of clarity. If you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying, I'm hoping it is, then you can continue to stay there. But I want you to get some very clear.
I want to talk through what being safe looks like. What's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan. Okay. Okay. That's number one. Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. All right. I'm going to give you my buddy Ken Coleman's book. It also has an assessment in there for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want?
And I want you to do take that assessment and read that book. It's really, really short. And it might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory. Okay? Okay.
Thank you.
I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University. All nine lessons. It's digital. You can watch them at home by yourself. And I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to all that. I want you to do that. And it's going to, I'm going to give it to you for free. And I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself.
And I want you to, again, to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller. You're going to have this insight. You're going to have knowledge. You're going to have wisdom and you're going to have a path. Okay. The third thing I'm going to send you the every dollar app for free for a year. The good one, like the, not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version. Okay. Okay.
And that's going to be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff. Okay. So you can start looking at what does economic independence look like? Okay.
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