On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman feeling insecure about her boyfriend’s sexual past · A grandmother struggling to balance life while having custody of her grandson · A man unsure if he should bring up concerns about his older brother’s girlfriend Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: What insecurities arise from my boyfriend's sexual past?
I found out that my boyfriend has had a more colorful sexual history than I was originally aware of. And my last relationship, it was so awful. He, I guess, would try and do the same thing and coerce me into his sexual deviancy.
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Hope you are doing incredible, wherever you find yourself.
also know that not everybody's doing incredible right now and so wherever you happen to be i'm glad that you've joined us whether you're sitting in a park somewhere and it's freezing cold and you're just listening to the show or you're going for a walk or a run or you're cleaning the house or driving somewhere thank you so much for being with us it means the absolute world on this show we talk about your emotional health your mental health um your relationships your kids your your spouse whatever you got going on in your world
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And it does help get the show out there to more people. people all right let's go to laredo texas and talk to brianna what's up brianna hi uh how's it going i'm doing great how about you oh i'm doing all right myself excellent so what's up in your world uh well nothing too much uh but my question yeah what's your question
Yeah, my question for you today is I found out that my boyfriend has had a more colorful sexual history than I was originally aware of.
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Chapter 2: How do I deal with feelings of irrational insecurity?
That's a very colorful way to put that. Well done.
Yeah. Obviously, I won't go into too much detail about what exactly that entails.
Go into all the details that you want to. It'll help the show. I'm just kidding. Totally kidding. You talk about what you're comfortable with. All right, so he had a past.
Yeah. Um, just did a lot of things that I wasn't really aware of. And now I just cannot help but feel this like deep sense of insecurity that I know is completely irrational. Uh, but I don't really know how to deal with that or how to get over it.
So what if I told you, I don't think it's irrational. Why do you think it's irrational?
it's all in the past it doesn't really like it's not really anything that currently happens of course and like all of those things weren't things that he had wanted to do they were kind of thrust upon him yeah so it was it was an abuse situation or an assault situation I put it in coercion like strong coercion okay
And when you say you just recently found out, are you also wrestling with him not being honest with you, or has he been pretty straight up? It's just come in waves, if you will.
I guess it's not exactly that he had been dishonest. I guess it just never came up.
It just never came up? Yeah. Kudos to him for not leading with that. That happens sometimes these days. So I don't think you're irrational. I think we're wired to look to our right and look to our left and ask ourselves, how do we measure up? And I think it's dealing with that and working through it. But I don't think you're crazy.
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Chapter 3: What should I know about emotional health and past relationships?
Um, I guess if I were to go into like a specific thing, I just had like, I didn't, I wasn't angry at him, but like I was more so angry at myself and I had just started crying and I just, I don't even really know how that happened.
Tell me why you were angry at yourself.
Um, Well, I think I just always have this constant battle in myself between a need for modesty and a need to feel desired. And in my brain, I can't do both.
Ah, dude, that's really insightful. Is there part of you that had a picture of people who...
have colorful sexual past are a certain way and now you found yourself in love with somebody um and you're reconciling that cognitive dissonance where you told yourself a story for a long time about these kind of people do that and then you've met somebody that's pretty wonderful and it's it's not jiving yeah that sounds about right and i think it's a mix of um
And my last relationship, it was so awful. I'd only ever had one other relationship before. My boyfriend, my current boyfriend, I think he's actually the best person on this planet ever. But my previous relationship was so awful in so many ways. And he, I guess, would try and do the same thing and coerce me into sexual... uh, deviancy.
Um, and you know, I guess I have a way with words sometimes and I was able to like talk my, talk my way out of it for a really long time.
Is there, is there a little part of you that's frustrated that your boyfriend didn't have that same ability?
Yeah.
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Chapter 4: How can I balance raising my grandson while living my own life?
And I, I, Didn't. And I wished I had, well, I wish I had at least waited until my current boyfriend, but it was just this whole thing. Like I had a whole episode of vaginismus cause I was so stressed out from the whole situation. Yeah.
It was your body telling you, yeah, we don't, we, something about this isn't right. Yeah. So, um, have you forgiven yourself for, for violating your, your own values?
I'm in the process of it. Okay.
I don't know if this helps. I don't think you're a bad person.
Okay.
I mean, you don't need my approval or anything like that. I don't want to sound like that, but... Hmm. I guess my encouragement to you is you're not crazy. And if you were put in a position where it was constant beratement, beratement, beratement, beratement, and you ended up going against your own set of values, and now you're looking in the aftermath like, I wish I hadn't have done that.
I did, and now I'm showing up to a new relationship with somebody who also found themselves in that same situation. What I want you to always come back to is you have permission to feel what you feel. And you have permission to learn from what happened. And you also, you're right to be cautious taking your next steps.
And I guess my challenge to you is to not outsource your self-worth to his old girlfriends, to him, to this old, terrible boyfriend from your past that just dishonored you over and over and over and over again. And that you're able to find peace inside your own chest from the inside out.
To that point. I mean, I know pretty much what's wrong with what I'm doing. I just don't know how to like actually get better.
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Chapter 5: What steps can I take to prioritize my own needs?
Okay. So you trust him, he's safe?
Yes. Okay. God, he saved me.
Okay. Amazing. That's amazing. So here's what we're going to do. When your body spins up and tries to protect you, when that lightning bolt snaps in your head of him with one of his exes, we're going to exhale and we're going to immediately have a new picture that's going to replace it. And sometimes I'll say things like, nope, I'll just be walking across my house and say that.
I've been doing it for so long that now I'll just whisper it or now I can just move on without it. Or occasionally, I don't know why, I think sometimes a physical act. So I'll fidget with the middle of my shirt or with the hem of my shirt, or I'll scratch around my thumbnail. But I have a thing that is just like a quick physical tell.
And then I'll immediately have a picture of us two, you and him walking, holding hands. Or the first date or the time he dropped his ice cream and you slipped in it and you both fell down. It was hilarious. But I'm going to replace that picture that just popped into my mind to get really kind of ugh. When a parent loses a child, there's something insane.
It's just disorienting about seeing a casket that small, right? And it will zap into a parent's mind over and over again. And so the challenge for a parent is to go, nope, and to immediately have a memory in queue, ready to rock and roll. And it can be the same one over and over again of the little kid driving around on a big wheel or for an infant grabbing your finger and holding on real tight.
And so for you, it's getting a couple of pictures in your mind of you and him having a great time. And what you'll do with your mind over time, is it lightning bolts that picture in? You're like, nope. And you exhale and breathe. I'm going to give five or 10 seconds on the memory of us holding hands, of us running, being silly or whatever. The first time he kissed you, whatever.
I don't know what the thing is, but whatever thing brings you like a small smile to the corner of your mouth. And I'm going to meditate on that. I'm going to remember how he looked, how he felt, how he smelled, how I felt inside. Do you get what I'm saying? This sounds so cheesy, but it's something you practice.
And then I want you to keep some sort of journal that when you have those feelings, I feel like I'm not enough. I feel like he's more experienced than me. I feel like whenever he tells me a story or I think about him, I feel how bad I felt when it was happening to me. I'm going to write those things and get those out of my body because I get to feel them.
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Chapter 6: How do I cope with feelings of grief from past experiences?
Yeah. You know what I mean?
It just becomes like goo.
Yeah, I think, I mean, he doesn't talk about it a lot, but I know it's something that bothers him a lot.
Yeah.
And like when I hear about it from him, it's, you know, it's like the worst thing I could imagine someone pressuring you to do or one of.
And you've been there, right?
I've been there, and I was pressured to do the same thing. Yeah.
I'm sorry you experienced that. I'm sorry somebody did that to you. That shouldn't happen like that.
No, I wish I knew that it wasn't normal.
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Chapter 7: What strategies can help me manage my thoughts about my partner's past?
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Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney right now. That's C-O-Z-Y, CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Me and my homie Dave Ramsey are going on a short tour, and we're going to hit a couple of cities, and it's going to be an absolute mayhem blast. Durham, North Carolina on April 23rd. Louisville on April 21st. Atlanta on April 25th. Phoenix on May 5th.
Fort Worth, Texas. Texans, y'all got to show up on this one. May 7th in Kansas City. Guys, what happened? Kansas City, May 9th. Dude, they're going to be an absolute party. Tickets start at $40. It's just going to be wheels off. Everybody's going to get to decide from the audience what we talk about. We'll both be on stage. It's going to be a blast. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash tour.
We're talking about relationships. We're talking about life. We're talking about money and everything in between. Unfiltered, unapologetic, and hopefully you'll leave with some things that you can use to make your life even. All right, let's go out to New York, New York and to New York and talk to Marie. I think I sounded just like Alicia Keys just then. What's up?
Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.
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