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Chapter 1: What can I do if my partner is resistant to trying new things in bed?
So currently in my relationship, I'm the one who wants to be intimate daily. I'm the one who wants to spice things up in the bedroom. I've talked to him about this, and he feels like I'm implying that our sex life is boring because I'm asking to try new things. I assured him that I don't find it boring, and I would just like to add some variety.
And I've talked to him about it, what I'm interested in or would love to explore. I met with disinterest or a no. He says he's fine with what we're doing. And I feel like we're just kind of at a stalemate.
So when he pushed back, I'm interested in this little, it's almost a derailment, but I think we may find some answers here. When he pushed back and said, oh, so you think this is boring. Tell me about that interaction.
So he just implied that, or he felt that by me sharing that I just wanted to try new things, that I was implying that he was boring or not a good lover. And I was like, no, no. And I tried to give him an analogy of when our kids try new foods. you know, they can't say they don't like it if they've never tried it. You know, they need to try it first before they can say, yeah, they love it.
No, they don't. And so he understood the analogy, but he was still kind of like, it's not the same thing. And I'm just not interested.
So give me some examples of some things you would love to try.
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Chapter 2: How can I communicate my needs for intimacy to my spouse?
So I talked about role-playing or just you know, having sex in a different place in the house because it's 99.9% of the time in our bedroom, which is fine. And so for him, he's like, our bedroom is comfortable. It's private. Why would I want to have sex anywhere else? And for me, I'm like, just to switch things up, to add variety, to make it more exciting. Sure.
And so for him, I think he's just like, why, why would I do that? I'm fine with our bedroom, you know, where we don't have to worry about our kids walking in. And I think he just likes the privacy of it.
So underneath that, I hear somebody saying, hey, I want to add some life to our life. And he says, no, I'm good. Where are other places in his life where you see him, for lack of better terms, I don't want to over-dramatize, I don't want to connect these too closely, but where he's dying in his own skin? He comes home and he just drops his backpack down and he grabs a drink and sits on the couch.
Or he goes outside and he's like, hey, and then he goes in the bathroom for 30 minutes and scrolls on his phone. Like, is that the case? Do you watch the guy that you married slowly, I don't know, losing life force, if you will?
He would say, like, he's just not a guy that's excited about much. Like, even if we have a trip planned to, like, Disney World or whatever it is or his daily things, he's just not excited. Like, he just doesn't get excitement, which I don't really understand.
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Chapter 3: What are some creative ways to add variety to my sex life?
Has he never gotten excitement? Not really. Okay. Because whenever – I always want to look at trend lines. Are you seeing him become something over time that is starting to make you go, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want a different kind of life. Or is this the person you've known, always been with, and you realize, okay, I want to recreate.
I want to not recreate, but I want to rebuild our relationship into something new. Will you come with me?
Yeah, I want to rebuild something new for sure.
Okay. That starts with you being honest. And I think the honesty is... I mean, that's hard to say, like, hey, I want to try some new things in the bedroom. And especially, depending on what culture you're in, that can be really vulnerable for a woman to say that and then to be turned down, right?
Because you're trained your whole life, all guys want is sex all the time, and it has to be crazy and what... And so then you find yourself like... am I the only woman I know? Like, I want to do this all the time. I want to do it every day. I want to do it in different rooms. I want to like, I want more and more and more. And you begin to ask yourself what's wrong with you. Is that fair?
Right.
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Chapter 4: How to address feelings of boredom in a long-term relationship?
Okay. So let me ask you that same question. Where, where, where are you finding yourself dying in your own skin? How long have you been married?
I've been married for 17 years. 17 years. Do you get kids? Yes, we have two. They're teenagers.
Okay. So do you have this moment where it's sinking in like, oh, this is my life? Or do you just want wild silence?
I guess everything just feels, I guess a lot of people, it just feels very mundane. Like every day is the same. You go to work, you... 10 to your kids, you make dinner and every day is kind of like a repeat. So it's like in the bedroom, we can do whatever we want. We can have fun. It should be playful. We can do anything.
And it just feels like if that's also mundane and also the same, it's just like, it'd be nice to try something new and feel excitement, I guess.
Yes. Like you have put your finger on the pulse of, I think, I mean, 95% of North America right there. Like so much of our life is bills, going to work, getting kids to soccer, getting kids to school and whatever. And we shut the door. We have our own hour and a half just to... play, become somebody that we don't have to be all the time. Try things, laugh, get awkward, like whatever.
And it can be gut-wrenching when your partner says, nah, I don't want to do that.
Yeah.
But that means you have to be honest. Talk about the thing beneath the thing, which is you're not a guy who gets excited about much. I get that. I'm suffocating in the world that we have co-created together. Will you build something new with me?
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Chapter 5: What should I do if my partner shows disinterest in intimacy?
Yeah. And I told him that like, like this is, you're the only person I get to do life with. Like, I don't get to do this with anybody else. I can't seek, you know, what I'm desiring outside of our relationship. And I wouldn't do that. And so it's like, this is it. And so it's like, if he's not willing, not interested, it's kind of like I have to, I guess, mourn that it will just never happen.
Like, I don't know. I think for him too, sex is deeply uncomfortable to talk about because we both come from a conservative background. And so to even talk about it, especially for me initially, and to be vulnerable, like you said, and to put yourself out there, it's terrifying. And so for him, he's like, man, you're comfortable talking about sex.
I'm like, not really, but I'm tired of keeping it inside. I need to say something.
But also y'all made kids. But I can't wrap my head around this just uncomfortable to talk about. Y'all made humans. You made kids. You built a life together. And to have a thing that we can't talk about or feels unsafe to talk about, I think that's the pulse. That's where I want y'all to go get with a marriage counselor and go talk about that. Because here's the question you begin to ask yourself.
Beneath the, why doesn't he find me attractive? Or why won't he try these things that I would love to try in the bedroom? Beneath that, it is, what is it about me that makes him feel like he can't talk to me about stuff? And that's deeply intimate. That's identity, right? Why is there secrets that he can't tell me or won't tell me?
And for him just to say, for anybody just to say, eh, that's just weird. I don't want to talk about it. You've been married 17 years. Y'all been together two decades. I just don't buy that excuse. Obviously, don't do things you don't feel safe and comfortable with in the bedroom. Get that.
Obviously, every long arc of a relationship, people are going to try stuff that initially they're like, I don't even know how this is possible, but okay. That's every relationship. And you have to find that balance. And it's a balance of this is too far uncomfortable for me or this is way out of my comfort zone, but you and I have come up with a safety plan and we're going to make this. Okay.
All right. All right. I'm in. Every couple navigates that. Everyone.
Right. Right.
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Chapter 6: How can unresolved issues in a relationship affect intimacy?
And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. And as we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February.
I'm talking about new stories that will change your life forever for the better. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones. Maybe think of your therapist as your editorial partner, helping you write new, better stories. If you're considering therapy, I want you to try calling my friends at BetterHelp.
BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month.
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All right, let's go out to Seattle, Washington, home of Pearl Jam and talk to Erin. What's up, Erin? How we doing?
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Chapter 7: What steps can I take to rebuild intimacy in my marriage?
Or when it comes to how much tequila Kelly drinks on a regular basis. You measure gallons. It's good. But you don't use a gallon to measure how far a football field is. Similarly, algorithms are good. Math problems are good. That's not the measurement you use when you talk about creating life. And here's what I can tell you. Here's what I can tell you.
The data tells me that, yes, your marriage takes a dip. But it takes a dip if your metric is fun and your metric is quote unquote happy, which I think happy is cocaine and cotton candy. I don't think that's even a good metric. And it also takes a hit when couples are not intentional about understanding that our life is going to change and it's going to be different.
Most couples have a kid and they keep saying this phrase, I just want to get back to the way it was. Instead of recognizing, I can't believe we get to make what happens next. Do you get what I'm saying?
Yeah.
So I can tell you just as personal. This is just me. I have one regret in my life. And that's that I didn't have more kids. That's it. I said some stupid things I wish I could take back. Actually, I regret a few of those. I've heard some people. But globally speaking, I wish I had more kids. And that's just me. It's not for everybody. But I am...
I just don't believe a person can fully understand their capacity to love something or someone until they are staring at a reflection of themselves in their hands. Until they're staring at a loved one, a kid, whether through adoption, whether through personal care, like it's just amazing. And it will cost you money and you'll lose sleep. You won't progress as fast in your career.
And all those things are true. So let me ask you this. Why are you asking the question?
Uh, I mean, I also grew up in the church and you know, like every girl's dream is to be a mom.
That's not true. Bad churches tell you that, but that's not true. And so it sounds to me like you're watching your friends suffer. You've, you've been told this message by me and countless other professors and friends and family forever. And you're haunted by, I want to have a kid. It doesn't make any sense. It's almost like you're trying to make it make sense. Cause that's what you want to do.
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Chapter 8: How do I navigate cultural expectations around intimacy?
Like there's going to be trying to preempt scary times and hard times and frustrating times. In any job, in any relationship, in any endeavor is a fool's errand. Because A, you never know how extraordinary it's going to be on the other side. And our bodies are designed for, but what if it all goes wrong, right? That's how our bodies have survived all these gajillions of years.
And with some intentionality. So as you're talking, I'm thinking, Yeah, we're going to give that overbearing mother-in-law a role if she wants it. We're going to not include that overbearing mother-in-law, but I'm going to have three high school kids that come over and spend the night with me sometimes so I can sleep.
I'm just thinking of one solution after another after another that kept my family's head screwed on straight.
Can we walk through some of those? Solutions, I guess. I just don't know what they are, I guess.
Yeah, so the first one is... no woman should be alone with a crying baby and that's the way we've built our modern western society that a brilliant like um competent amazing woman comes home she's pulled from her job she's pulled from her social circles she's pulled from her spouse and she sits in a box with a screaming toddler for months, sometimes for years. That's insane.
That's never happened in all of human history. For all of human history, there were kids and cousins and grandparents. There's actually some pretty remarkable conversations around, I say conversations in the literature about grandmothers. Like, what's the utility? Like, if it's pure biology, right? Like, reproduce, and that's the species. Like, why would grandmothers hang around?
What's the point of being alive post-menopause? Why didn't nature just end the life of a woman when she couldn't bear kids anymore? Well, come to find out, anthropologically...
having wise older women who are there to participate in, like whether it's wisdom and in the modern world, whether it's like my mom, who's still a professor, whether it is hugging, hurting kids, whether it is taking care of nurturing, whatever it is, there's roles to play for everybody. And so your adventure becomes, I know me when I'm sleep deprived.
I know me when there's a screaming kid and I can't do anything about it. So instead of avoiding the whole thing, I'm going to head straight through it. Okay. What must be true then? Does your husband want kids?
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