On today’s episode, we hear about: · A man wondering how soon he can start dating after his divorce · A veteran unsure how to connect with others without alcohol · A wife struggling with returning to work after having a baby Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How soon should I start dating after my divorce?
How soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce? My wife decided she wanted a divorce and there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things.
Often people are divorced for years before the paperwork is final. When she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home. You didn't really see that coming? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us talking about your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life.
Real people going through real challenges from all over the planet. Give me a call. 1-844-693-3291. or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Love to have you on the show. Let's go out to Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, and talk to Lee. What's up, Lee?
Hey, Dr. Deloney. I'm just wondering, how soon is too soon to start dating after a divorce?
Chapter 2: What challenges did Lee face during his marriage?
Ooh, good question.
Tell me about your world, man. Well, about... Oh, about a year and a half ago, my wife went to live with her folks to take care of her mom. And then about half a year ago, she decided she wanted a divorce. And there was some stuff on my end, some pornography addiction and some other things that I worked on and tried to save the marriage, but in the end, she went ahead with a divorce.
What were the other things on your end? I hesitate to say financially abusive, but whenever we would get a tax refund, The first year that we were married, the first two years we were married, she spent the tax refunds before I had a chance to have any input. And then ever since then, I would spend them without taking any input from her.
And I would justify that because, oh, well, she spent those two tax refunds. So now these other 12 I've spent. How did you share finances? We did full, you know, just all in on keeping everything together.
Where else did you say, this is mine and this is yours? You did that with your fantasy life and you did that with tax refund checks. Where else did you do that?
Um, I would say that, yeah, it was kind of the house was not so much me, but on her end, the house was always hers, and I didn't really get much of a say in what was, you know, like, hey, I need a trash can here. Can I have that? No, I don't want that trash can there. Yeah. Stuff like that.
When she moved to go take care of her parents, how often did you see each other? How often did y'all talk?
We talked every day, but we'd see each other maybe twice a month. Okay.
Were those just conjugal visits or were they high fives and you just go back home?
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Chapter 3: How can I cope with loneliness after a divorce?
And there's scorekeeping and there's – I did the dishes on Friday and you owe me $4.28 for the Arby's meal that one time. Like, right when there's that kind of – Like my buddy George Campbell said, it's like when couples start Venmoing each other, right? Y'all are roommates because that's what me and my roommates did in college.
And so when you're there and then somebody takes off and you throw five kids into the mix under 11, right? You can't survive that if you are not completely unified in a singular purpose on we're building something together. So my suggestion would be, or just in two seconds of hearing you talk is, you've been living a separate life for a long time. Y'all come together to make kids.
And at the same time, it sounds like, and tell me if I'm bonkers, when she just called and said, hey, I'm not coming home on a divorce. You didn't really see that coming? I didn't. Okay. So how long ago, six months ago, about right now, when she said, I'm filing? Yeah. How long were you married, man? 14 years. My gut tells me you're still walking around
The house after the tornado, just sitting in the damage of a house that's been completely blown over. And you're trying to see, like, I can save this potholder. This guitar still was in a case. It's okay. Here's a few photo out. But, like, you're still walking around a completely wiped out house. Is that fair?
Yes.
And something else that you said that raises an eyebrow for me is when she made this announcement, you went into try to save it mode, which means six months later, you may be sitting at your house right now on the phone with me. Really beating yourself up for quote unquote what you did to blow up this house. Or that somehow this is all your fault.
You don't get to see your kids every night because this is all your fault.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's definitely where I'm at. Can I just tell you, man, I wouldn't wish where you are on my worst enemy in the world. I'm sorry, dude. I know that doesn't bring her back. It doesn't bring your kids bouncing through the house back. And, um, you never thought you would miss all the noise in the house, right?
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Chapter 4: What should I do to prepare for dating again?
An exhausted mom of four who's pregnant with number five just may not have the energy to fight you when she finds out you just spent the $2,000 on a TV or a golf club or whatever you spend the tax return on. A buddy for sure will, right?
I do have a group that I get together with on Tuesdays to go shooting.
Awesome. That's fantastic. After y'all go shooting, I want to challenge you for the next 60 days, the next two months to have the courage to say, hey, we're watching whatever fights, whatever game, whatever's going on at my house or at the local Wild Wings or whatever. I'm getting the first round or I'm buying the first round of wings. I'd love to invite y'all to come.
And several guys can be like, no, I got family, I got this, but a couple will show up. I would challenge you to do that and begin exhaling and learning that you're not the worst person who's ever lived. And it took two people to tango in the marriage you had. And you've got to learn to forgive yourself and you've got to learn to exhale.
In short, the Twitter statement here is become a guy through action that you deeply respect. And then that gives a new romantic partner something to anchor into when you meet. Otherwise, you're using somebody else to feel better, and that makes you a parasite. That makes you like a vampire. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah, that makes good sense.
Is there anything about you, and this is just you being vulnerable, anything about you that you don't respect? Um... I've got several things with me. What about you? Yeah, definitely. Rattle them off. Say a couple out loud.
Uh, early in my marriage to my, uh, wife, um, I, uh, I had forced myself on her at one point. Okay. And, uh, I have trouble respecting myself from that.
Still haunts you? Yeah. Have you sought forgiveness and to make that right with her? Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to tell you with that lingering fear of yourself, that lingering, you can't trust yourself. 15 years later, 14 years later, that's a place where I want you to spend some time working on it.
Because every time you feel like something's going well, that little demon's going to pop up and say, yeah, but one time, years ago, you did this. Yeah. My dream for you, brother, is you find forgiveness for yourself, peace for yourself through a community of men who hold you accountable. You'll have fun with, you'll laugh with, you'll learn things with, you'll do silly things with.
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Chapter 5: How can I overcome alcohol addiction?
It's the same thing as you would not get in a truck as a gunner and just head out past the wire by yourself. You wouldn't do it. Nobody would do that. It's insane.
Yeah.
Yet so many of you guys come home and you go in your apartment and you know, you know better than I will ever know what brotherhood is, what friendship is, because you got a line of people who are ready to get deployed and die on your behalf and you for them. And so you come home to an apartment and Janet next to you is like, you left your trash can lit up, right?
So, I mean, you know that disconnect. And you have a second layer. Somehow you've convinced yourself that there's shame in being trained and not going. And so you don't feel like you're fully in that gang. But you're not fully in the civilian gang. And by the way, you've been holding up your whole family forever. And you just kind of blew over my dad left. You know, you get what I'm saying? Yeah.
Yeah.
And you got a six-year-old who's now, how old are you now?
I'm 29.
Yeah, you got a six-year-old wondering why I don't fit in with the military guys with the stories and why I don't fit in with my civilian friends and why I don't fit in in this town where I don't have any friends. And then by the way, dad, what was so bad about me that you left?
Yeah.
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Chapter 6: What role does community play in recovery?
Let's throw the shoulds out. And I just want to suggest that disgust has probably played a role in keeping you safe too. Yeah.
Yeah.
If you can make the switch from I should have and I have to and I've got to and I need to, if you can make the shift to I get to because I'm worth it, that's peace. I get to tell the truth because I'm worth not hiding from. I'm a pretty good guy.
Yeah.
I grew up in a hellscape and I've told everyone my whole life that I was good except for a few things. Growing up in the house with somebody who struggles with meth and also her kid and your brother going off to get a bunch of medals and pins and your dad disappearing and your mom living in that chaos and you being her emotional support animal. Bro, no kid can carry that.
And you're almost 30 and you're still carrying it.
Yeah.
And I think I want you to, yes, I want you to cut back on drinking. I want you to sit with somebody and begin to work through that. But I want your position to not be, I need to stop drinking because what you'll do is if you don't deal with that six-year-old kid inside your chest, you're just going to move to another thing. And it might be work or it might be rage or it might be success.
It might be some, it's going to be another drug.
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Chapter 7: How can I reconnect with myself after trauma?
You're doing a whole bunch right, brother. So that not true statement, that dishonest statement, you're not going to say that anymore? You're doing a lot of things right. Understood. Fair.
Very fair.
It has been a high honor to talk to you today, brother. I don't get to talk to a lot of men. I talk to a lot of men who are doing good stuff, and I talk to a lot of men who feel frozen and stuck. I don't get to talk to a lot of men who are frozen. frozen and yet are scratching and clawing from the inside of that ice cube to get out. And that's what you're doing.
And I've got the utmost respect for you, man.
Thank you.
Okay. Day one.
Day one.
And if you drink on day seven, okay. Shoot me a direct message on Instagram and just say, day one, and I'll applaud you again because we're back on the horse. But we're not going to war with Tyler anymore. We're making peace with Tyler. Cease fire. It's over. We're friends now. Now we're going to do the next right thing together. And that cannot be done alone. It has to be done to other people.
Period. Point blank. End of story.
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Chapter 8: What steps can I take to improve my mental health?
Yes, sir.
Cool. Game on?
Game on.
All right. I love you, good man. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I'm proud of you. I am proud of you, dude. If everybody's listening, this right here, what you just heard from brother Tyler here, this is what bravery and courage looks in real time, in the real world. Having the grit and determination, I will make the next right step. God, it's what an honor to talk to you, man.
When we come back, I'm going to talk to a new mom who is mourning the idea of being a stay-at-home mom and struggling with the idea of going back to work. This applies to millions of you because I get your questions. Stay tuned. All right, so Easter has come and gone again.
And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, and about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point.
So if you're committed to consistent practice of gratitude, prayer, or reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. The small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
Whether it's a guided meditation, there are tons of music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life feels like it's falling apart. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for God with Halo. Plus, when you sign up at halo.com slash Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start.
Go to Halo, H-A-L-L-O-W, halo.com slash Deloney for three months for free. What up, Elizabeth?
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