🇺🇸 Watch United States of Anxiety Exclusively on the Free Ramsey Network App! On today’s episode, we hear about: · A wife struggling to balance her marriage and friendships · A man unsure if he should stop smoking weed for his wife · A woman wondering how to best support her friend who recently had a baby Next Steps: 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🌿 Get up to 40% off at Cozy Earth with code DELONY. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🥤 Get 20% off at Organifi with code DELONY. 🏔️ Head to Poncho Outdoors to check out all their styles! Listen to More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel[MS1] 💼 The Ken Coleman Show 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy https://www.ramseysolutions.com/company/policies/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How can I balance my marriage and friendships?
Well, balance is insane. So trying to achieve that is like a myth. It's like trying to catch a dragon. It's like not real. But... I don't see these two things that you laid out as opposites. I see them as recursive. They work together. So tell me what you're struggling with on either side of the equation.
Yeah. I think what I'm struggling with is I feel like I'm always feeling guilty, like whichever direction I go. And if I throw work in there too, it's really like trying to sort out, okay, if I go really hard in my career in one season, then I look up and I haven't talked to my friends in months. or I feel pretty disconnected in my marriage.
Chapter 2: What should I do if my career affects my relationships?
And then if I switch gears to really focusing on my marriage, then it feels like my ability to be as proactive and creative in my work life or my friendships, that tends to suffer. And so I feel like I'm always spinning, trying to, I don't know, organize my calendar and my weeks in such a way that everything is getting the right amount of time. That doesn't even include time for me and myself.
Chapter 3: How to deal with feelings of guilt in relationships?
And I think what I tend to bump into is feeling... Like I'm not showing up to anything as much as I should be because my energy is split. Or if I'm really focused on something, I tend to feel a lot of guilt or sadness or like I'm failing and giving attention to the other things that also matter.
And so I don't know if that's adding any clarity to it, but those are some of the feelings that come up as I'm trying to hold all these different parts of my life.
Dude, my friend, how long have you been performing?
Oh, wow.
You are living everyone else's life across multiple fronts. I don't even know what it would be like for you to actually access what you really want. I think that might be a scary proposition for you. What do you think? How long have you been singing and dancing for people to say that you're okay?
Uh, a long time, probably. I mean, at least since I was a girl. So a long time. Yeah.
Tell me about it.
Um, yeah, I guess I grew up in a home that felt pretty chaotic, a lot of love and a lot of chaos. Um, and I think, I think being excellent and doing well at things is kind of how I stood out and, um, carved out a place for myself, um, not only in my family, but also in school.
It was like, if I, I distinctly remember being younger and experiencing some bullying and thinking, well, I'll show you, like, I'll be the best. And then I won't, it won't matter, you know, that you're making fun of me about this or whatever. So, um, I'd say it's been, it's been a part of my life for a while.
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Chapter 4: How can friendships support a healthy marriage?
Yeah.
Dreadfully lonely.
Chapter 5: What are the challenges of being present in a relationship?
Yeah. Yeah. And so it's like, I woke up, I was like, oh, I feel really disconnected. So that was around the time when I called. And since I did call, like I've been trying to be more intentional, like, okay, let me actually go see my friends and tell them that I'm not okay. Cause I haven't even opened up that part of my life for them.
Cause I had just been like coming home, going to the airport, coming home, going to the airport. And so that I was holding all of that. And that's why I called.
How old are you?
I'm 34.
You have little ones?
No.
Do you want kids or no?
Yes.
Yes? Tell me about that journey.
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Chapter 6: How can I support a partner who struggles with substance use?
Oh, dude, I think that every three years. Every three years, I'm like, oh my gosh, if I had known this, right? So, yeah, you're not crazy.
Yeah, you're not crazy. Yeah, so, I mean, it's like, it hasn't been like one thing. It's been like a lot of things and poor tools to navigate all of those things. And so... um, earlier this year we had like a test separation of sorts. And then we came back together without a real plan. Then we're like, Oh, we need a plan. And so we've been building an actual plan. I've learned a lot from you.
And I mean, I have watched my videos together and things. And, um, I don't feel like we're, things feel so much better than they used to that. I can't in good faith say like, Oh, things are still really bad. Cause they're not like, I feel like we've talked about everything. We have our weekly, uh, Marriage meetings, like we're doing things we know we're supposed to do to like get on the same page.
And based on those meetings, we are both feeling more connected and being more intentional. So things seem to me to be on a healing trajectory. Very cool. But there's still pain, of course, when I look back on a lot of the disconnection we've experienced.
Are there still secrets?
Okay.
You don't think so or you know so?
I want to say like 90% I know so.
Okay. I would start there. Because I want you to be able to jump up and down on the stability of this marriage. Because now y'all have, if there's no other secrets, there's nothing else out there for you to find. And it's weird if you've let stuff slide for seven years or if you've kind of looked the other way for seven years or it's been fine for eight years, like whatever.
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Chapter 7: What should I consider about my relationship and substance use?
No, no, I drank, uh, I joined at 17. So it's kind of hard to tell you. And also I've been doing the military for 18 years now. It's all I've done. Okay. It's all you know. You really get to build, build, build, you know, and you can be alcoholics in the military. No problem.
Um, the gambling thing kind of cycled with me from, uh, when taking my first step within a year, I was in rehab, like that hit me like a, like a truck, uh, Um, so yeah. And the funny thing is about never developing the gambling addiction, I would still be drinking today, but I don't know. I never felt like I had a problem with alcohol, which is strange to say, but looking back, I'm like, cool.
Yeah. Well, with gambling, you know, you win and lose a hundred thousand dollars a day. You realize you have a problem pretty quick. Yeah, absolutely.
Well, and so I don't want to overgeneralize here. But the people I've spent time with who are both veterans and the people who I've spent time in the recovery community, which is a bunch on both sides of those, and you happen to fit in both of those camps.
If I was to distill down one central challenge they both have, that is the ability to believe that somebody else would love them just for them, not for what utility they provide. And I'm wondering if your wife is looking at the man that she loves and she said, I ride or die till the end of time. I will be by your side. After six years, A, I miss you, and B, I'm losing you.
No, no, that's fair. There's probably something else I should mention. It's going to make me sound like not a great dude. But when she brings this up to me, I kind of just default and say, well, you know what? You can just leave. I know it's wrong. I know it's, you know, especially if my wife tells me she feels abandonment issues in the past and her childhood.
And I know that's like the worst thing I can say, but I'm like, just like kind of what you're saying. If you're not going to take me for me, then. Which I know is a horrible thing to say.
No, no, no. She's trying to take you for you. And you keep trying to talk to her through a green haze. Yeah. She's trying to come get you. That weed is not you. That weed is you protecting yourself. And you lashing out at that woman is not. That's you trying to protect yourself.
Yeah. Yeah. And I'm just, uh, it's funny cause you can come up with anything to rationalize and be like, well, at least you didn't know me when I used to drink or at least when I, you know, but you know that as well as I do, that's stupid.
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