On today’s episode, we hear about: · A woman dealing with the aftermath of her ex-husband’s infidelity · A newlywed wondering why her husband doesn’t want to have sex more often · A husband worried about the expectations his wife has from reading romance novels Next Steps: 📙 Read Dopamine Nation: Finding Balance in the Age of Indulgence by Dr. Anna Lembke 📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message. 📚 Building a Non-Anxious Life 📝 Anxiety Test 📚 Own Your Past, Change Your Future ❓ Questions for Humans Conversation Cards 💭 John's Free Guided Meditation 🤘🏼 The Dr. John Delony Show Merch Connect With Our Sponsors: 🌱 Get 10% off your first month of BetterHelp. 🔴 Get 15% off with code DELONY at Bon Charge. 🌿 Get up to 40% off with code DELONY at Cozy Earth. 🔒 Get 20% off when you join DeleteMe. 😇 Go to Hallow for a 90-day free trial. 💤 Visit Helix Sleep for special offers! 🥤 Get 20% off with code DELONY at Organifi. 💪 Get 25% off your order at Thorne. 🏋️ Go to Trainwell to get started! Explore More From Ramsey Network: 🎙️ The Ramsey Show 💸 The Ramsey Show Highlights 🍸 Smart Money Happy Hour 💡 The Rachel Cruze Show 💰 George Kamel 🪑 Front Row Seat with Ken Coleman 📈 EntreLeadership Ramsey Solutions Privacy Policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices
Chapter 1: How can I move on from my ex-husband's affair?
How can I move on from my ex-husband's affair and focus on raising my child? He was engaging in an affair with a girl from work. And at that time, he moved her into our family home.
Wait a minute. He moved his person he's having the affair with into y'all's house? What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. A Texan who found himself living in Nashville for the last, golly, dude, almost half decade. How long have we been here? Seven years now? Long time. Taking your calls on your...
on your emotions, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. I just got back from Texas shooting a Chris Williamson show, Modern Wisdom, and he was super kind and super hospitable. I had a great time. It was awesome just being back in Texas. Made me a little bit happy. Made me a little bit happy.
And also, man, I love coming back to Nashville where water falls from the sky a few times a week. It's pretty great. All right, let's go out to Seattle, home of Alice in Chains, and talk to Renee. Hey, Renee, what's up?
Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call.
Of course. What's up?
So my question is, how can I move on from my ex-husband's affair and focus on raising my child?
What happened? I'm so sorry.
So I kind of wrote it all down, so I'll say it really quick. Yeah, read it. I wrote, my ex and I met in 2015 through work. We dated, and in 2021, we bought our house and got married. In May of 2022, I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time, I also learned he was engaging in an affair with a girl from work who is 10 years younger than him.
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Chapter 2: What should I do about my husband's infidelity?
Oh, yeah. I have my family's close by, so it's nice to have them.
But they're helping. They're not nutty too?
No.
Amazing. Okay, amazing. So can we just do something for a second?
Yeah.
Take as big a deep breath as you can and hold it. And I want you to take your fist and put it right in the middle of your chest. And I want you to exhale real big and make this noise.
Okay.
I didn't hear it. Do it again. Do it louder. Big, big, big, deep breath. And then go. Okay. When you're off the phone, I want you to do it really loud to where it's almost a yell. Okay.
Okay.
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Chapter 3: How do I handle my child's relationship with their father?
Yeah, that's fair.
Yeah, you think you pick crazy men. You think you made bad decisions. You don't think you're a good mom. You think, oh my gosh, my son's going to be raised by a single mom. He deserves better. I wouldn't wish this on this little boy for anything, but you're a good mom.
Thank you.
Okay. Okay.
Yeah.
So how we're going to focus on raising this kid is we're going to look to the future. I want to make sure you're economically stable. Make sure this kid knows what love is, what it feels like. Make sure this kid knows what boundaries are so that you're not living out of some sense of, I've got to be overly permissive because I don't ever want them to be sad. Little kids are supposed to be sad.
Little kids are supposed to not like their parents every once in a while. And that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom.
Yeah.
Okay. And on certain nights when he's asleep and you're collapsing into bed, it's okay to grab the sheets real tight and squeeze them and bang on the mattress because it's not supposed to be like this. It's okay.
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Chapter 4: What are the signs of a healthy relationship?
No, it's not normal. I'm really reluctant. In fact, I will never give somebody the data on what's normal, like how much sex should a couple be having each week. Some people have it every day. Some people have it twice a day. Some people have it twice a month. What's important is that both people talk about it.
And there is some give and there is some take and there is some, there's all kinds of support and all that kind of stuff. But when it comes down to it, it is what we both need and more importantly, what do we both want? And what's concerning for me is I'm hoping that you've been really direct with him.
Like y'all have been out on a date, y'all been having dinner together and you say, hey, we've got to talk about this. What's going on? And I'm trusting that you've had that. Have you been pretty direct with him?
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, at this point, yeah, because it's – yeah.
Okay. So something else is going on, and it would be a fool's errand for me to try to just guess. I can put some things out there. He could have some pretty significant psychological hangups. He may have had abuse as a kid. He may have had – sex was so – he came from a household where sex was so – shameful that just flipping that switch as a married man, it's, it's just, he can't do it.
Um, he may be one of the, um, what I would call the sexless generation that just grew up with, with that light switch completely off and spent their whole life on video games, did not hold hands and didn't try to kiss girls in high school and college. I think it's, which I think is healthy. And all of a sudden, um, Um, there, there's been an, uh, what I would call it. I don't want to overstate it.
An impotence epidemic, 18 to 25 year olds who can't get it up, but because they're, they've for lack of better terms, they've blown out the hedonic sensor in their mind. Right. And so I don't know what his background with pornography use with only fans, but like, I don't, I, uh, I don't know.
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Chapter 5: How can I communicate effectively with my partner about intimacy?
Whenever you have a little girl, you're gonna have like a GPS pin that sets off in the middle of your chest because you remember what it's like getting abused by the person who's supposed to love you most, right? You're gonna find yourself hypervigilant. So everybody responds differently to life
And what's important with marriage is two people who are head over, like not head over heels, are firmly committed in a compassionate way to saying, I want to love you the best that I can. Okay, that's what we're shooting for here. And so the bigger issue is not that he's 25 and doesn't want to have sex with his wife.
The bigger issue here is you've said, hey, I want you and I need you and I miss you. And he said, yeah, I'm in the middle of a Fortnite game.
Right.
That's what can't happen in a marriage.
Right.
You know what I'm saying? So it's a good moment to flip on before this dance gets entrenched. I've been married for a few months, man, flip on every light in that house and say, I'm putting down a boundary. I don't need you to do anything, but I'm going to say what I want and what I need. And I'm going to ask you, will you please go come with me to see a marriage counselor?
Will you please come with me? And by the way, I'm going to give you all, I know being young and married is hard and finances are tough. I'm going to give you three free months with my friends at BetterHelp. You can do it online. You don't even have to get in the car and drive anywhere. Y'all can do it at home with a computer screen and y'all can sit side by side and do couples counseling, right?
Like that. Okay.
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Chapter 6: What should I do if my husband is avoiding intimacy?
Oh, that's good.
And wanting your husband to please you back doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to be more important than video games doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to have wheels off, peel the wallpaper off sex as a newlywed doesn't make you crazy.
Oh, okay. Okay?
You're not nuts.
Oh, that's good.
Okay? You're a good wife.
Oh, okay.
And he's clearly struggling with something. So let's do this. Let's clear the table and say we got to talk about something really important and I need your full attention. No phones, no hiding, no video games, just you and me. And if we need to get out of the house, cool. And you got to say, it's going to be hard for me to hear, but I'm ready to hear it. And I won't throw a fit.
And if I need to step away, I will. But I'm going to listen carefully. We've got to talk about our physical intimacy in this marriage. And beneath that, we've got to talk about we're married and I'm already second fiddle. And by the way, he's never seen or experienced a functional marriage. He's never even seen it. He doesn't have a picture of what this looks like.
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