Bryan Green
Appearances
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
This episode is sponsored in part by Groons. All right, let's talk about a better way to take care of your health. Are you juggling multiple supplements every day? With Groons Vitamins, you don't have to. It's not just a multivitamin, a greens gummy, or a prebiotic. It's all of those things and more at a fraction of the price. And here's the best part. It tastes amazing. We'll be right back.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And I really wish that everybody would stop trying to sell me life coaching classes. Look at me. I'm perfectly well adjusted. Yes. I'm a contributing member of society. I have this fucking show and 40 kids. Everything's fine. I'm okay.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I don't need another life coaching class. It's fucking ridiculous.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I found a primo example of this online. I'm not going to rehash Jay Shetty's shit. Listen, you can go and read so many exposés on Jay Shetty. And by the way, if you believe in what Jay Shetty has to say, if you think his dime store wisdom is good, if it helps you out, then continue to listen to him.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
But you don't need to pay $10,000 to get some wisdom. When people gatekeep like that, it's to enrich themselves, and they probably don't have the answers. I found a woman, an Australian woman, online that I don't know how I found her. My algorithm is on fleek, as Christina would say. And this algorithm has been showing this woman, Natalie Peterson, who is a life coach in Australia.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Any lightworker I know is poor as piss. But this lightworker seems to be rich as shit.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
They believe in energetic healing and the energy is everything.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Oh, like an energy, like Reiki and stuff like that?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Kind of, but it's their version of it so they can sell you courses.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Reiki is way too well known. They make up their own shit and then they make you pay $10,000 for it. It's just another way of saying they believe in energy and how it transforms your life. Not a bad thing to believe in. I'm not saying that. But the way that this is being pitched and the way that this woman talks – I think is quite frankly fucking insane.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And maybe that's why we don't, you know, Natalie Peterson hasn't taken the U.S. by storm yet, but we'll see. I'd like to review some of that. Let's take a break. We'll get to it after this.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
This episode is sponsored in part by ShipStation. Well, if you've been listening to the commercial break over the holidays, then you know that Chrissy, Christina, and I have been hard at work knocking out 25 episodes in one single month. So we understand just how chaotic a business can be.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
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Go to ShipStation.com and use the code commercial to sign up for your free trial. That's ShipStation.com code commercial. Thanks to ShipStation for being a sponsor of the commercial break. One of the best television shows of this decade is Severance on Apple TV, and I have been patiently waiting like everyone else for season two. Well, the wait is over.
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Our cup fill is over because on January 17th, Severance season two will be released. This genre-defying television show will blow your mind. It's hard to describe even one minute of it in the short amount of time that I have. So I'll tell you this.
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If you're a fan of dark comedy, sci-fi, romance, drama, dramedy, well-acted, well-written television shows, and or having your mind blown, this is the television show for you, my friend. And now, The Severance Podcast with Adam Scott and Ben Stiller is available for free.
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free on the Odyssey app or wherever you listen to your podcasts, and they are re-watching With Us season number one every weekday until season number two is released, where they will then re-watch season two with us.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And they are going to give us an in-depth episode analysis with behind-the-scenes stories, fan questions, and guests from the show like creator Dan Erickson, as well as John Trattoro and Britt Lauer. Plus, celebrity super fans like Jon Stewart, Kristen Bell, and Dax Shepard are going to stop by. This podcast is going to be another excuse to spend more time thinking about severance.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
If you're not watching this television show, run to Apple TV, watch season one, listen to the companion podcast, and then you too can have clammy hands waiting for season number two to release. It's available now, free on the Odyssey app, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. This podcast is brought to you in part by our good friends at Squarespace.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And anybody who listens to the commercial break knows how much I like a spa day. The Club Series 6 Blade Razor. This isn't just any razor. It's a mini vacation for your face. It's got six stainless steel blades and a vitamin E infused lubricant strip. This razor delivers the closest, most comfortable shave. Honestly, I feel just a little too pampered after I use this.
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I love talking about Squarespace because it's one of the tools that we use in our own business. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.
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Whether you're just getting started or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create beautiful websites, engage your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your own terms. As a lifelong, sometimes successful entrepreneur, Squarespace has grown with me.
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Using Squarespace, I've been able to launch multiple websites and even build a business around launching Squarespace websites because they make it easy, it looks super professional, and it gives you all of the tools that you need to be successful online. Let me give you a couple examples of those tools. One of our favorites is the new Design Intelligence from Squarespace.
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Combining two decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology, you can unlock your creative potential. This helps you personalize a website unique to your needs. What about creators like me who want to sell content? Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. Courses, blogs, videos, podcasts, and membership.
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That reoccurring revenue everybody is looking for so your clients can get access to your content for one-time fees or subscriptions. and then you're definitely going to need a way to take the payments. Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments and not get lost in a sea of coding. The onboarding is fast and simple.
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You can get started in just a few clicks, and pretty soon you'll be receiving payments. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash commercial. and you'll save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com slash commercial, and you'll get 10% off that first purchase of a website or a domain.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And thanks to Squarespace for being a continuing sponsor of our small business and the commercial break. I was just reading on Reddit, someone had posted a conversation that they were having with Jay Shetty's Instagram DM. And they basically said, hey, I'm interested in this course, you know, tell me what it is.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And the person on the other end was like, oh, hey, you know, Jay Shetty's masterclass, you know, to really be a life coach, you got to spend two or three hours a week doing, you know, personal phone calls and all this. And she was like, okay, great. Like, how much is the course? And she's like, well, I think it's important to find out how much money you make per year first.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
So essentially they're right-sizing it, and some other person says it costs between $150,000 and $200,000 to complete the entire course. What? And I'm like, $200,000? And he gets a speaking fee. I'm sorry. It costs between $10,000 and $20,000. His speaking fee is between $150,000 and $200,000. Don't you think I would be much more interesting for that $150,000, $200,000?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I think I could do corporate speaking, and I could just – incessantly ramble on like I do here on the commercial break. And I think that the people would get more out of that than they would a Jay Shetty appearance.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Oh, I think some people think we're already life coaches. And they have real problems. Those people have real problems. They do need a life coach. Natalie Peterson is a 5D energetics business coach. 5D. 5D. Remember they used to say drums playing chess in 5D. Yeah. Like, oh, really?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Five dimensions, including the light work. There she is. She believes in some weird combination of extreme and extraordinary capitalism, light work, and spiritual healing.
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She's on Instagram. She's been pitching her shit for a long time. Looks like she gets some seminars in small hotel rooms, you know, hotel ballrooms here. And while most of her stuff is behind a gate, like you can't see all the real tips and tricks.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Luckily, luckily, she is letting us in on some of her most important secrets, which I think you'll find really has more to do with money than anything else. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm strolling on the internet.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
As I do like to do. Here's Natalie Peterson, Australian life coach and 5D energetics business coach.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
She just did the Star Trek. Nothing like being an energy healer and starting your video off with fuck.
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First level's like, you pay me 50 bucks, and then, you know, I give you a little bit of information. Level two is where I really suck you dry for everything it was.
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is doing this right there is not another light language I think she's pregnant by the way so let me say that when you're pregnant you wear whatever the fuck you want to
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So you can order them from the website, Amazon, or get them at your favorite retailer near you. That's what I do. Alternatively, you can visit the site right now for 20% off. $20. or more and get your products delivered right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com slash TCB and use the code TCB for 20% off $20 or more. And remember, whatever you shave, welcome to the club.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
It's way too powerful, Chrissy. I don't want to put you in a situation where you could literally change people's lives just by looking at them.
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Be careful, Chrissy. These are powerful secrets.
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Age-old wisdom from Brisbane, where all the Eastern philosophy started.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I love when I get absolute clarity about anything.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I don't even know what the weather's going to be like in an hour, but she's going to provide absolute life clarity from Brisbane.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
You got to burn the sage. You got to burn the sage. Look at all the workers are in their total white uniforms to denote that they are better than you. Oh, they have an orgasm course at the beginning? Yeah. They all have an orgasm before they walk in?
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I've seen some of these, like... female lightworkers and how they like put people into, there's something called the fire breath. We've learned about this. The breath of fire, fire breath, right? Which is a real thing. And it's a real yogi thing. You can really do this fire breath by breathing in and out very quickly and then doing certain breaths.
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But I've seen some of these and these women get like orgasmic. It's like, honestly, it's a little strange for like a weekend seminar at the Holiday Inn. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Well, there's a lot of people that believe that. It does help me. I do have to say that I also believed that for a long time. And while I wouldn't go to my chiropractor if my back was like actually tweaked out, that's for an orthopedic to go to, to keep it in shape, going to a chiropractor, I don't know, something about it, I do believe that it loosens me up a little bit.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Yeah. Yeah, nothing like doing pole dancing before we do some energetic light work. What is going on there?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
That's a lap dance she's giving. Wow. Okay, maybe this is going to be good. How much is this course?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I don't know what this song is, but it goes right along with my interpretation of absolute clarity and 5D energetic work.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
He's already said the N-word three times in this song. Completely on the spot. Money Chat with Nat Patz.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Yeah, she's not using a screen. She's using an easel with a marker.
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Thanks to Dollar Shave Club for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Okay, let's see. I can't wait. This is going to be groundbreaking stuff. Pieces you did around money. Pieces you did around money. This is an important part. A lot of people have energetic problems with money. Anybody who works here at the commercial break, let's see what happens when she gives her. We're going to find absolute clarity out of this.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Cool. Cool. Cool. Within an emotional level, the spiritual level, the physical level, the mathematic level, the scientific level, geography, Chrissy.
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Yes. Roller coasters. And within any level, this is how basically I break it down like this.
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It's 51 days till spring. I can't believe it. But what's in the air is Cracker Barrel. Cracker Barrel is there for you, for your family, for your office gatherings, your parties, whatever you may need. Cracker Barrel is there for you. Just like spring is coming, Cracker Barrel is here already. So remember, live more and do more and celebrate Cracker Barrel.
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Do you get the impression she's making this up as she goes along? I think she did make it up. I think so. But when you put it on an easel like that, the second you put it on paper, you feel like you've gotten what you paid for. Now imagine you're one of these women or men, I mainly see women, but I'm sure there's men in the audience too.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Imagine you're one of these people and now you've spent $2,000 to be here at the weekend. And what What she puts up on the board, you think you're going to be like some energetic light worker or something? What she puts up on the board is money chat with NatPat.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I don't know anybody that doesn't have anxiety around money. First of all, some kind of anxiety around money. Second of all, this is horseshit. Why are you telling us about what happened when you were 15? What are we doing?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
On her website, it says that she is calling in $250,000 a month.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
she's calling in calling in you just have to ask for it ask the universe i've been asking the universe for a long time just claim it i did find a couple pennies under i cleaned my bed today and i found a couple pennies there you go there you go i called it in your direction i called it in hello hello hello i need 250 000 universe hello
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
A pack of cruisers. I think that might be cigarettes.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Remember, folks, these are the two light codes that have changed her life and given these women absolute clarity. So far, she has told us which store she purchases jeans at and she gets two packs of cruisers every weekend.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I'm pissed if I spend money on this. And some girl's telling me anecdotes between her and her cousins and money.
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And by the way, I'm coming in here to be an energetic light healer. And so far, she's telling us how she loves extensions, her fake tan, her jeans, her cruisers, and all her money.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Let's get real. When you don't have money, you're a fucking bleeb. Let's get real. You're worse than I am.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Yeah, the National Light Practitioners Association.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
She's been personally touched by me as well. I'm personally touching everybody's lives. If you want to spend more money, let me know and I'll get you in touch with another lady who we work together to take all your money.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
On her website, it says that she is calling in $250,000 a month.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
These secrets. I have to keep some of these secrets confidential. We don't want these getting out in the world. Read books. Budget your money. Get your tits done.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Oh, my God. Of course they are. They feel embarrassed they spent $2,000 on this. They're like, I better come away with something.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Write that down. She's got a person writing. Go ahead. Yes, please. Millionaire Mind. Please make note that it's the most book I've ever listened to. Mm-hmm.
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Even if you have a penis, it came from your father. And your father's line. And now we have to get rid of the penis. To get rid of the anxiety and read the books. By the way, Millionaire Mind is the book I've read the most via audiobook. Yes. I've read it through audiobook.
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Of course, there's a portal. Of course. Do you have access? Have you paid for it yet? I'm sure they're all like this. Yes.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I did find a couple pennies under my bed. I cleaned my bed today and I found a couple pennies.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I literally have a word, transformation. And the second you hear play... What I am!
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Transformation, transformation, transformation. Keep transforming. Are you transforming yet? Have you transformed?
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
She's out of breath. She's making it up as she goes along. She can't keep up with her own bullshit.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I'm looking at you, Rhonda. I wasn't lazy about it. I did it every day. I said, hey, money, what you doing today? Good morning.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Okay, I'm going to have a cup of tea. Would you like to join me? And then we're going to go shopping and then I'm going to spend you. How do you feel about that? Okay.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Literally. When it leaves my purse, is it going to come back? Are you going to come back? Okay, literally. All right. Talk to you later. Bye-bye, little money.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Here's what she's... Okay, the lady asked this question, and I know you can't really understand it, but she said, I've got a few friends, and they don't do well with money, and I feel like their energy is affecting my energy. Do I get rid of those friends? To which Natalie responds, yes. Yes. So get rid of your poor friends. Literally, get rid of your poor friends. You must literally leave them.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And if you need new friends, I'm here for you. It's just $10,000 a month for access.
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Yes. And it's hard because you love me. And it's hard because they're real people. But I don't give a shit. Pay me more money.
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Hiya, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
All you got to do is call it in. Just call it in. All right, do we need to take a break? I'm lost on time. Okay, let's do that. Let's take a break. We'll be back with more Natalie Peterson.
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Nat Pat's changing our lives. We'll do more Money Chats with Nat Pat, literally, after this break.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. You know who's getting under my skin lately? Since I'm on a roll, I'll just keep going. You know, if you remember, it could be anybody. It could be everybody, actually. It could be everybody. Because I'm really fucking irritated this week.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
All right, we're back with Nat Pat. She's given us all the secrets. She's currently telling us to get rid of all of our poor friends because that's what poor people need, less friends.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Listen, you're way too poor to be around me. I am multi-four-figure life coach, and you can be too. If you get your head out of your ass, stop being anxious, read Millionaire Mindset, and pay your bills with gratitude, everything will turn out fine. And by the way, call your money in the morning.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
We love when Tina shares. Tina, please share. You're not a plant in the audience, are you? Because I bet you are.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Sounds like the kind of person I want to hang out with.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Oh, I already know plenty of these people, by the way. I don't need Nat Pat to give a fuck about herself. Clear plant, saying nice things about Nat Pat.
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By the way, notice how we all start to conflate. And I'll say we all because I'm guilty of this, too. Trust me, there was a period in my life when this this would have got me. Some of this would have gotten me. She says, I don't know why I wanted to be in the room, but I wanted to be there. Like there's some magical force pulling you into the room.
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Do you remember when you and I went to, I won't name the name of the company because I think they might be a little bit legit. But do you remember you invited me to like an MLM seminar one time? Yes. And we walked into this hotel room, the hotel ballroom in this nice hotel north of Atlanta. And we walked out ready to take on the world.
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Yeah, well, she's giving us a little inside scoop on her entire weekend program. And, yeah, I just want to change that. Does she eat? Yeah, she's eating, by the way. Well, she is pregnant, so let's give her a break. Yeah, she is. I know this because I've watched some of the other videos. Yeah, she's eating.
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First of all, second of all, I just want to point out here, this girl said, you know, I wanted to be in the presence of someone who does not give a fuck about anyone else but herself. And she's like, can I change those words? I give too much of a fucks about you.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
That's right. Which is exactly the same as I don't give any fucks about you. I give too much fucks about you.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
It's going to happen. I called my dad. I called my brother. And so now she's encouraging people to be those people. She's encouraging you to cut your life out. Go ask for money from somebody else.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I probably would have guessed that actually just throwing that out there.
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The light codes course, which she doesn't know how she's going to pay for, but she's got it. Don't worry, Chrissy. Everything's going to turn out fine. She's back with her life partner.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
You are the woman I never thought you'd get an opportunity for me to see. Just wanted you to know that. And nothing says I love you like you're finally the man I never thought you would get to see.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
This has nothing to do with money or light codes. And listen, okay, that's a big problem for a lot of people. There's some sexual hang-up or something, and freeing yourself of that sexual hang-up, I think, is a big deal. But I don't know that I would go to NatPad about it.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
See, did I tell you paying $2,000 for this course would pay off? Right? Right? Now you've heard all about Tina's love life.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
We're going to make multiple seven figures. Woo! Selling skincare to the plebes. We're going to figure it out. I'm going to have a downline. 75 people. Everyone's going to be selling skincare, skincare, skincare. We all need to take care of our skin. And these are the people that do it. And I'm going to be the representative for North of Atlanta.
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I broke even. Net loss of $100 after a plane flight. But let's call a spade a spade. I am now the national representative.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
That's right. And I am also now the national representative. I am the lady on the PSA for koala syphilis.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
You didn't let it go. You gave it to Natalie to fund her incredibly interesting lifestyle.
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You have to justify this. After you're involved in it, now you have to justify what's going on.
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This is how people get programmed. Yeah. This is how people get programmed.
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It's called light and easy. Oh, light and easy.
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I became a grandma. I became a grandma. And now I'm going to spend $2,000. Now I'm going to hire the kids, too. The kids are going to be in the light coaches.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Yeah, I think she said, can I do light codes on them? They're babies. What light codes are you going to give them? Make sure they read Millionaire Mindset. Be grateful when they pay their bills. Light codes means nothing. Light codes is just this. This is the point. If you don't, she just said she was going to reveal her two biggest light codes, the secrets to her success.
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The first modality is just so you can go out there and heal other people and heal yourself. But the second one, you're going to be given the tools, the powerful tools to change people's lives.
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And so far, all we've seen is her talk about one time she read a book and then also other people blowing smoke up this lady's ass because they're justifying the incredible amount of money that they've spent to come to this workshop. I'm pissed if I'm walking out of this. This is why life coaching is horseshit. Like Natalie might have some wisdom.
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And it took us about a week to come down off of that high horse when we decided there's actual work involved here. And no one wants to be involved in our little scammy bullshit. And so I guess this isn't going to work out. Back to radio sales. Back to the sales. Back to SEO. And that's about it. But this is not – but that was not the first time I had been pitched MLM.
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I'm not saying that Natalie as a human being doesn't have some wisdom. I'm sure she's been through things. I'm sure she can share some advice. That doesn't certify you as a light code 5D energetic business coach. It's because you can rent a Holiday Inn room. Doesn't mean you have something to impart on people for $2,221. What are we doing here? Why are we sitting here right now?
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Yes. She said exactly what we said at the beginning of this show. You do not need NatPat to give you some keys to the kingdom. They're inside you already. Maybe you need to read so you can put some words to it. Maybe you're tactile and you need to feel around for it a little bit. But at the end of the day, you don't need NatPat to certify you to be wise. Look at your own life.
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Take wisdom from your own life. Look internally. Heal yourself. I guarantee... This is fucking insane. This woman is drinking a White Claw and eating Cheetos while you paid $2,000 to hear about her fake tan and her brush brush.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
No, that's not why we hate you. No, no, no, no, no. And by the way, hate is not a word that I use for you. I love you. God bless you. And if all these people are paying you money to sit up there and yammer on, well, I wish I could do the same sometimes too. But I promise you, I am not upset because you decided to put this information in a course. I think that's what's wrong with this world.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Yep. This is gonna get him This is the way we make more money put this out my anatomy of my body I had no idea
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This is the light code I've been waiting for. Pain in her vagina. Natalie's got pain in her vagina.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I have no idea. I don't know where this went wrong. I don't know what we're talking about anymore. I don't know how this has anything to do with life coaching. Your numb vagina is not why I paid $2,221. It's not money. It's not light work. I guess it's her... We're not talking about her vagina. That's what I paid for.
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I worked for a guy at a restaurant, and he had been high-level MLM in multiple companies.
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Yeah, nothing like saving a baby's life. Oh, my God. Here we go. Unbelievable. Modern medicine has a lot of problems. But I can promise you, I can promise you, having been through it, have birth at a hospital. Have birth at a hospital. God bless America.
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I'm a man, by the way, so I want to say that that's obviously a personal choice, but having been through a traumatic birth. You did. Do it where doctors are.
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It was like the egg – I forget what it was called, but there was like a big egg MLM one time. Yeah, egg, made out of eggshells, all kind of like powders and potions.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
This is a life coaching course people have paid for. And we are completely off the tracks.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I think that you're bringing up a good point. It's good to end on. Life coaches... Do not have any answers, but they will tell you that they do so that they can get you. They can part you from your money and then get you somewhere where you can spend more money. And then by the training manual where you two can learn how to give the answers that they don't have that they've never given you.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
And at the end of the day, you're broke and miserable and they're rich and miserable. Think about the options. Yeah.
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And hey, listen, Nat Pat, if you come across this and you want to come on the show and explain exactly what the light codes... If you want to explain exactly what you didn't explain in this video, I'd be happy to listen. If you've got some wisdom to impart, I realize you've got to keep some of that very secret because it's very powerful stuff.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
Should it get out there in the wild, Chrissy? I don't know what would happen. Should everybody become a more...
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
That's right. Then who's going to pay for my course? And Jay Shetty is just the next stop, right? Jay Shetty and then the next person and then the next person. I can name five people on my Instagram right now that are some version of life coaching. And I do believe in mentorship. Like, if you need help getting organized and you pay someone who's a professional organizer... That's good.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
If you need help starting a podcast and you get a podcast coach, that's good. If you do something so broad, like light codes too, and you're teaching people about your numb vagina, you've just wasted everybody's time and my money. Yeah. But hey, at least that lady got a commercial out of it. I know. I guess that's all we got to say. All right. 212-43081. Stop. Brian, stop. No, no, no. Don't stop.
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supplements supplements are a big one that's a big one uh lula roe of course we all know is that lula roe is that how you say it uh lula roe yeah the the tights the tights yeah lula roe of course they had a big expose done on them and netflix and and so many of my essential fucking oils that now you know just cancer causing bullshit that you burn in your house and make it smell like hotels or whatever i don't know yeah i don't know spencer pratt
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
I'm not telling you to stop. I'm just saying, Brian, stop. Hey, listen, we've been saying this all week, and I think it's something we're going to say a lot around here. Sharing is caring. So if you like the show and you think somebody else might be interested in the show, do us a favor. Pass it along. Or if you don't like somebody, pass it along. If you have a numb vagina, pass them along.
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Everybody needs something in this life, and the commercial break might be the thing. Share it on your Instagram or whatever. Tag us. We'd love it. We certainly would. That'd be great. All right. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Voicemail or text message, we'll get back to you, we promise.
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TCBpodcast.com, all the audio, all the video, and your free sticker at The Commercial Break on Instagram. TCBpodcast on TikTok and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break for every single episode of The Commercial Break on video. Subscribe, like, comment on your favorite video. We'd appreciate it. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you.
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Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. And 5D, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
But anyway, the point is— Scott Disick. Scott Disick. Oh, yeah, that's right. But I think Spencer was selling—whatever. He probably was. MLMs are scams. All of them. They're very nature. The people at the bottom get screwed, and the people at top win, and the people at top are always the insiders who manage to get hundreds of people, if not thousands of people.
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No, here you go. It's got to sell a product because if you're not selling a product, then it's illegal. But there is one industry that is now becoming MLM, in my opinion. And I think a lot of people would agree with me. There is one industry that is unregulated, that does not necessarily need to sell a product. Maybe they sell a quote unquote product. That is taking the world by storm.
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And that is the business of your fucking soul. Your soul is now an MLM. Life coaches. Oh, life coaches. Yes. That are creating the problems that you desperately need to solve over and over again. Making you as neurotic as possible because they have the solution, which just causes more problems that then you need more life coaching for. Life coaches are out of fucking control.
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Do you want to take my course? Do you want to take my seminar?
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Do this. Do that. You need it. I've got it. Whatever ails you. And this really, it strikes people at two levels. It strikes them at a scientific emotional level, like the science, the neuroscience of your emotions. And then oftentimes it mixes in some kind of pseudo-spiritual Eastern philosophy bullshit. It is clearly just horse hockey, right? Or most of it.
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Horse hockey, picking and choosing little things from here and there and putting together, probably rehashing somebody else's words and then building some expensive course that then you need to take to make yourself better when they are the ones, in fact, that are driving you fucking up a wall telling you you have everything wrong with you.
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This really is getting under my skin because I see it everywhere. Everybody is a life coach. And what I saw the other day made me go down a rabbit hole. I saw a girl that I know posted on her Instagram. Her new thing on her new description on Instagram is Jay Shetty certified life coach. Jay Shetty.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
One of the most popular podcasters in the world. He's been around for a long time. He was like Facebook video. Then he went to Instagram. Now he's doing podcasting. He has literally sat down with the president of the United States, Joe Biden, to have an interview about pseudoscience bullshit, right? Okay. I'm not saying everything that Jay says is wrong.
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And I'm not saying that he doesn't have some wisdom. He probably does. But so do I. I've got dime store wisdom just like he does. I can rehash quotes. One of the things Jay is accused of,
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in general is taking other people's quotes like the Buddha or Wayne Dyer I read that and then he'll put his name under it Jay Shetty like he made up the quote but he didn't they are very famous quotes from other people but most people are none the wiser so they think Jay Shetty has got time store wisdom all day long Jay Shetty putting his name on quotes is the new putting an inspirational poster in your office it's all bullshit hang in there hang in there
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
You don't need anybody. Generally, we're not broken. We're perfect just the way we are. We've got our foibles and our coibles. Yeah, you've got to work on yourself on this and that and the other thing. But that wisdom can come. The wisdom that's being rehashed in life coaching has been around for a very long time. And if you seek it out, you can probably get it for a couple of books on Amazon.
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It's huge. But the self-help industry, I believe, is making us causing the sicknesses that we think we have. In other words, they're identifying all kind of, you know, I'm a hypersensitive left brain quark. I've got hypersensitivity. You don't have hypersensitivity. You're sensitive. You're emotional like the rest of us. You're alive. You're alive.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
You're feeling things. It's okay. You'll be all right. Go home and eat some Ben and Jerry's like the rest of us.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
You'll be fine. Everything's okay. Settle down. We all go through shit. And yet I agree that, you know, you can go through a moment where you need some uplifting. You're vulnerable. You're going through a breakup. You're having a hard time. Money's tight. Kids are shitty. You know, relationships not going well.
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Nat Pat Is Calling In The Cash!
That's a time when you seek inner wisdom or maybe the outer wisdom of like a book that is clearly trained professional.
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Or a trained professional like a therapist or a psychiatrist or psychologist. But paying – and let me explain about Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty's course to become a certified – Jay Shetty, life coach. Oh, God, how much? Close to $10,000. Close to $10,000.
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And then for a time, he was claiming that then you would be associated with some fancy, you know, you'd be on your way to getting a master's degree with some fancy university in the UK that he attended or had a relationship with or whatever. And I was just watching a Coffee Zillow, this guy who kind of busts scams and Bitcoin scams and stuff like that. He was talking, Bitcoin! Bitcoin!
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Melania Coyne. He did an expose on this, and he was explaining that they called these universities, and not only did the universities not know what the fuck anybody was talking about, the universities demanded that Jay Shetty take their names off of the course and off of the materials and off of the website. Jay Shetty... Also claims he was a monk in India for four years.
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He never really lived in India. I mean, Jay Chetty, like all these little things just don't add up. And then he's charging exorbitant amounts of money to make you a life coach. So you can go out there and teach other people just how shitty their life is. It's crazy. Life coaches, like really good ones.
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And I'm talking like the Wayne Dyers of the world who probably would never have considered himself a life coach. He was just a guy who had a lot of wisdom and he would like to share it. He was a good talker. He was a good bullshitter, but he would put words together that made sense. It resonated. Yeah, it resonated. It made you think about your life.
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And yes, if you wanted to go see Wayne Dyer, you'd have to pay a price. A lot of times you would give that to charity. I saw Wayne Dyer, and I paid for the ticket to go see Wayne Dyer. I bought his books. I bought his stuff. I liked what Wayne Dyer had to say, but I never considered Wayne Dyer my life coach, nor did I consider him my god.
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I wasn't like, oh, Wayne Dyer, I'm in the cult of Wayne Dyer.
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Never. I just liked his dime store wisdom. I thought it was good. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at start to change. That's a really smart one. That's a good one. But I don't put my name under it and call it Brian Green's saying. It's not. It's Wayne Dyer's saying. But if you want to quote me, feel free. Listen, life coaches are irritating.
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And now everybody and their mother is a life coach. And everybody and their mother is now making a seminar or a – you know, class that you can take so that you too can be a life coach. We are all just selling each other's souls for nothing. It's like, it's just crazy to me. It's another MLM.
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If you get in early and you become a Jay Shetty life coach, then you can teach courses on how they can be life coaches. And then everyone's going to be a fucking life coach. There's going to be no one left to talk to. All right, put them up. I'm being dead serious. This is craziness to me. And, you know, I talked to Allison Hare, who's a friend of ours and a longtime fan of the show.
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One of the people who helped to get this show off the ground, if I'm being real honest about it. She and I talk about this all the time. All of these like this, this like prevalent. Life coaching, pseudoscience, be neurotic, kind of like everybody needs to fix everything that's wrong with them and, you know, overanalyzing and overthinking is making us more sick and more anxious and more neurotic.
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And we're never really getting the answers because there are no answers to being human. It's just the way that it is. It's the way that it is. You know, David Lynch died. Yes. David Lynch was one of the, I guess you could call them the ambassadors of something called TM, Transcendental Meditation.
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Transcendental Meditation has also been accused of being kind of culty and you have to pay a lot of money to learn how to do it, blah, blah, blah. But there's many celebrities and many other people who believe in Transcendental Meditation, including the fucking Beatles, right?
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I mean, they were like some of the original, the Maharaja Yogi or whatever his name was, was teaching Transcendental Meditation. And I watched David Lynch's last video before he passed away. And the video was him leading a TM class, essentially, like from a Zoom call or whatever. And he was saying that, you know, the Maharaji one time told John Lennon, he said...
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Nothing, no thing can change the world. And if you understand that, then you understand it. If it sounds confusing, just think about it for a second. Not nothing, like no, but no thing can change the world. That's where consciousness lies. That's where humanity lies. That's where spirituality lies. And then John Lennon took that and wrote the song, Nothing's Going to Change My World. Right?
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Nothing's going to change my world. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So across the universe, the very famous song across the universe was written because this was a conversation that he had with the Maharaji. The wisdom is inside of you is another way of putting this. You don't need to hire some $50,000 life coach to fix things that aren't wrong with you.
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Why don't they want to shoot them? Yeah, why did they want to shoot him? And then follow up to this, did anybody send like archaeologists or something to the grave sites to follow up on this? No, of course not.
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I didn't know if we were going to make it out of there, but we did have time to scoot our fat asses down to the four buys and get down the hill.
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Let's stand around here and talk about it again. That's what we always do. We can't actually see it on the camera, like the video camera that we happen to have recording this for television, but we'll stand around and talk about it afterwards.
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Oh, yeah. Oh, Bill's my favorite for sure. For sure. He just screams. Yeah, there's no comment. There's no sense to what he's saying.
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But we will not be following up on it. Next week, we'll be chasing the whisper wolves.
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Now it's time to move on to the next one. Yes, even though we found clear evidence of Bigfoot and his burial sites and his nest and the whistlers and we have them all on camera, let's go home. I mean, honestly, if you need any more proof that this isn't real, then just imagine this.
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All the things that have happened over all of these seasons that they've caught on camera and been a part of and found and the Whisper Wolves and the Thunder Brother Knife or whatever, they never once presented these things to any kind of authority. They just move on to the next episode. Like you do when you find the discovery of humanity. Yeah. It'd be like if an alien came to you.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Holdley. Best to you, Kristen.
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It'd be like if Alf was living in your house and you didn't call somebody about it. All right. Anyway, let's take a break and we'll be back with more shenanigans. The Boys from Mountain.
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Oh, yeah. We're almost there. We're almost at number one.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. I appreciate it. Like your hat. Thank you. Menfo hat. Menfo right around, not right around the corner, but coming up quickly. I'm sure Jeff is a frazzled.
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We're on to number two. Here we go.
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Ah, the cornfield. This is one of my favorites. Good old cornfield. Yeah, where they're running indiscriminately through the cornfield, shooting at each other.
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I don't think that was that person we've seen. He is so big. And not, you know, everyone has different body shapes. But this is a big body shape. Like, it's clear, maybe Ozempic. I don't know.
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No. Yeah, he doesn't need to wear a shirt tucked in. You know what I'm saying? Like, when you're that big, give yourself a chance to look normal.
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Speaking of way too heavy, what? Look here, look here. Yeah.
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How do you know that... How do you know that a dead branch on the ground broken is fresh? I mean, I'm sure that there are people that can tell you that, but I'm sure it's not huck. I don't think so.
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Have we announced who's going to be there yet?
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Not yet. Okay, well, let me know when I can talk about it. Um... I think you told me, but it's a secret. These things are very secretive. We don't want to do Fyre Fest 3 at Mempho.
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Those are the poachers. Those are the poachers, and they're ready to kill anybody who gets in between them and whatever it is you poach in Kentucky. What exactly is that? Are there elephants for their ivory? Rhinoceroses? I'm not sure what you poach in Kentucky.
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And I'll do a Fyre Fest update later on in the week, but just know that it's definitely not happening. Definitely not happening.
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Willie, Bill, we're getting shot at. Willie, I'm on the ground. I don't think I'm going to be able to get back up.
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That's not the ready position. You've got to lay down on your front so you can crawl around. Right now, the only thing you can do is roll off the hill. Just to let you know, there's like lights off in the distance. They're yelling at each other. And then one of them fake shoots, right? And then so all of these guys slowly but surely sit down on their butts and then lay on their backs.
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Like they're going to stargaze. You don't lay on your back. You lay on your front. Now you can't even see.
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What do you want to... I copy that, 10-4. We're certainly going to get murdered. Do you want me to shoot back or what? Look at this guy. He's looking up. He's looking through his gun. This is so stupid.
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All right, I copy that. You say lay down and get hip? Get hip. Oh, I thought he said get hip. I'm like, cool. That was cool.
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All the kids are doing it. Lay down. Hey, we got to find a safe spot.
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Yeah. Of all, I am less shocked that the mountain monsters...
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I don't know. I can't tell. I'm staring at the stars. Like he just sat up. He just sat up. I'm surprised he could see up, honestly.
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find don't never find something that they're chasing that I am that Firefest 2 is in fact not happening but it's not happening I wanted to quickly and I know you guys on Friday we watched Mountain Monsters we were getting through the top five scariest hunts and we got to number three meaning we had just kind of come up on number three we'll get back to it we promised we will
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And that's exactly what we're going to do. Finders keepers.
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Play dead. He can't hear us. I don't know. We have guns in our hands. What should we do? Go, go, go.
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All right, we'll go radio silence. Good luck. See you later. You good?
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Huck, Huck, they've got guns and they're coming up on us. I think we're trapped. All right, I'll turn off the radio so I can't hear you getting killed. Bye. I'm sorry about all the drama, but I can't listen to you get murdered. I'll be at Krispy Kreme. I'll talk to you later.
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Let me turn off my radio. Let me turn off my radio. Turn off communication. Yes, I can't hear you die. I can't live with that kind of guilt. Not me. I got to go.
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Guys, we got to go. Let's go. Guys, we got to go. I don't know where we're going to go, but we got to go.
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Guys, we got to go. It's two furs at Burger King.
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It's two furs of chilies. It's margarita hour and chilies. They got to go, guys.
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We can get up there and get behind them. Well, they're certainly moving with a sense of urgency. Plotting along. Guys, we'll have to drop one. We don't want them to get. Did he say we'll have to drop one? Guys, I got to drop one or two.
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I'll catch up with you guys. Meanwhile, maintain radio silence. Get over here with your gun after shooting at me. I want to talk to you, son. Man to man. Man to man. Tell me about why you're trying to kill me. Hey! Where'd you go? You in here? Oh, I got movement! I got movement!
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God! Jeez. They're shooting at each other.
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I'm cold. Don't mind all the blood pouring out of my shirt. He looks like he's got blood on his shirt.
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That big foot. Oh, no. It's just a logo. He grabbed me.
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But I wanted to ask you real quick. Did you know that Alec Baldwin has a new reality television show?
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Yeah, what's different this time? Why can't you go yelling and screaming?
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Okay, so wait, let me get this straight. We're ignoring the fact that you just got grabbed by a Bigfoot and shot at it?
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Yeah, it was a close call, but let's move on. I don't want to think about it.
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I don't want to think about it. It's rather embarrassing for me, so we just move on. I appreciate it.
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Okay, so this is ridiculous. This is ridiculous. It appears they have put a Bigfoot trap that looks like an igloo made out of wood.
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It looks like a pyramid. Yeah, like a pyramid or something made out of wood. And it's tipping itself over, which I imagine they're now going to tell us was Bigfoot tipping it over. But I don't see anything anywhere. It's like someone's pulling it down. No! Oh, you can actually see the string wrapped around it. That's crazy. Bad editing.
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Okay, why are you not? You're three feet from it. Why are you not going to see what is going on? Is someone going to go investigate? No. What the hell?
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I have no idea. I think they're purposely confusing us because I thought that was Bigfoot. But they're saying it's the poachers that are doing this. But they are literally standing a foot and a half from it. Why not, like, I don't know, shoot somebody or something? But I got to see who in the hell... I mean, I don't condone just shooting people, but...
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I also don't condone, like, incongruent television. It's got to make some kind of sense.
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I'm going over there right now, and you better have your room cleaner.
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So I've had it on in the background because a lot of times, you know, there's a couple of channels that I'll just keep on in the background. It's like mindless entertainment that I really don't have to pay attention to, but I'll tune in if I hear something interesting. And I was watching or I had it on in the background. And man, Alec, listen.
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Well, I first started talking with this... Well, all's forgiven. All's well that ends well. Talk to you later.
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Yeah, maybe somebody's not so happy that you're running around their cornfield building traps and shooting indiscriminately.
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But the more we talked to him, I think he's... The more we talked to him, the more I liked him. And I gave him a job at craft services.
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Hey, it's cool. Don't worry about it.
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I'm Buck. Don't worry about all that shooting at me.
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It's all good, brother. Split the money? Split the thousand dollars? What do you say?
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poaching ring the west kentucky poaching ring what are they poaching i still want to know i mean i understand there is but like you know you took too many deer this season you're killing the babies or whatever there is poaching everywhere there's poaching but you usually don't think of west kentucky and poaching usually think of like south africa or a ring yeah yeah or a poaching ring like how much money can you make
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Nothing like that poor woman's family who will never recover.
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I believe that it was. I believe it was a freak accident, and I believe everybody, including Alec, probably could have took more care to make sure that things were okay. You, of course, had the person, the armorer, who was supposed to never have real bullets anywhere on set, but did, which is just insane to me. I don't think it was some grand conspiracy. I think she was a kid.
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A kid who was also partying at night and made some mistakes. Some big ones that cost somebody their life. But then Alec, I don't think he checked. Whatever. Who cares? It doesn't matter. But anyway. That must be a very frightening, terrifying, difficult thing to go through for everybody and for the person who pulled the trigger, Alec.
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And when you're watching that show, I will give the show – it's been criticized by a lot of people, and I can understand why. On the backs of this death, you're out there trying to rehab your image or make money or whatever the criticism is. Agreed. All of that. But then also, when you watch the show, you can see just how vulnerable and in pain Alec is.
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He is very much stewing in his own shit, so to speak. I'm sure he feels horrible. Of course. Yeah. He's not gloating in this. Right. And I think that's pretty clear. I don't know. But and he's a public figure. So, of course, he went and did the obligatory interview so that people can get the questions answered. They feel like they have some. He's got to defend himself in some way, shape or form.
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Yeah, you have a gun, number one. Number two, how did you make all these elaborate holes in the ground? When did you have time to do that?
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Hold tight, honey. I'm on my way. He said hun. Did he say hun or Huck? Either way, it's funny.
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Yeah, I guess the cameraman's in there, which means that hole is really big. He's got a knife in his hands, by the way. He's now in the mud, three feet in the mud, and he's got a trap door on top of him with leaves and foliage, and he's holding one of the biggest hunting knives I've ever seen in my entire life. I imagine what happens next is he starts stabbing upwards at whatever's coming.
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Quick, do a whacking off like motion and kill whatever's on top of you.
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Now they're showing the three different holes or the three other. So we've got Huck running up the mountain.
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with his four by that's not going very fast because god love him huck is a big boy and then you've got three separate individuals that are now in holes with trap doors on top of them all have some kind of weapon in their hands a knife a shotgun which how you're going to shoot that in that hole i have no idea but and it looks like i don't know a pipe bomb i'm not even sure what that is guys i gotta get over there now
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The top of the door is now shaking. Mud is falling into the pit. Huckleberry is just doing his best to keep his composure. Start stabbing upwards. That's what I do.
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He's not even traveling at a mile per hour. That poor old man, he's trying his best to make it look scary, but it's not. If Bigfoot is moving slower than that, then I am officially not afraid of Bigfoot. Bill, I'm on my way to get you.
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Huckleberry just got attacked. I'm on my way to get you. Drop a pin and share your location. Do you have the Find My app? It's real easy. Let me walk you through it. Make sure you update your iPhone 17. Connect to the local internet. Search for Find My app.
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He's a public figure. But what I was going to share is that people stewing in their own shit is never something easy to watch, them dealing with that kind of pain. And this was recorded the three weeks before he was to be the trial. And so it's like really intense. And I was just watching a scene before you got here.
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You got to get down off here. Two, maybe 30. I'm not sure because they are not real.
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You got to go. I know for eight seasons we've been trying to get images of an actual monster, but you should go now because there is no monster to get images of. Oh, he's ziplining. Whoa. Well, that was an interesting way of getting down from the treehouse.
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Yeah. By the way, the cameraman went down the ladder. He got a harness on and decided to zipline down. Like six feet. Yes. It took him much longer to zipline than it took the guy to climb down.
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What's going on? Oh, nothing. Just attacked by a 10-foot, 385-pound Bigfoot. And my knee's bad. I got a bad back. And I forgot my medicine. And my angina's acting up.
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I mean, how many people can fit in that golf cart? Yeah, that's a lot of people fitting in a golf cart.
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I was just watching a scene where him and his wife are driving up to their Hamptons house or whatever. They're arguing about all kinds of different stuff. And she's just like a whip. She's just, you know, get off your ass. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You know, lots of people are in pain here. You have a family to deal with. Like, you got to get your shit together.
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Yeah, four and the camera. Oh, wow. Wild Bill McCrowski there.
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We got to go. Wait, what are you guys running from? Because you were running to save the other guy, and now you're running to get away from something? Yeah, this is the way this show works. It's just a lot of running and shaky camera work.
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Ready? There's going to be a comedy routine right before we get done here.
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Oh, there you go. There it is. We ended. We got it. We got all five. That was good.
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I like that. I like the compilation videos because we get a lot of mountain monsters in a short amount of time. All right. Well, you know, stay safe out there. It's dangerous out in the middle of the woods. So don't go there. Yeah, that's all I got to say. And be prepared.
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I say next time you're camping, dig three or four five to seven foot deep holes and get some old doors and put some foliage on them in case you run into a squalor or a whistler or a diddler or whatever it is out there. You want to make sure you've got the proper resources to take care of yourself. Thank God we have the mountain monsters to show us the way.
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And I saw a video came up on my YouTube, and I was like, oh, yeah, we got to do the mountain monsters. Plus, a lot of our comments on the various platforms say that their favorites are the mountain monsters. So there you go. From me to you. A gift. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Holla. Holla back at you, boy. All right. TCBpodcast.com. That's where you go.
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You got to figure out how to process this pain and process it. But I don't I put myself in Alex's shoes and I don't know how I would process. I don't know how you do process something like that.
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You find all the information about Chrissy and I, all the audio, all the video right there from one location, TCBpodcast.com. If you want a free sticker, go to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu says I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address. Away it will go. No muss, no fuss.
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Also, we'd love it if you would contact us on our telephone line, TCB hotline, if you will, Chrissy. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3222. Holla at your boy. 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB.
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Send it there or a voicemail if you'd like that. At The Commercial Break on Instagram and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break for all the episodes on video the same day they air here on audio. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Yeah, when you know you were responsible for someone else's death in such a terrible and freak way.
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I did know a guy when I was working at La Estrada and giving away Chianti Classico and soft shell crabs. I did know a guy, worked with a guy who had gotten into a car accident. That was his fault. He ran a red light, wasn't drunk or anything like that. He ran a red light. He wasn't paying attention, ran a red light, killed a woman, like a lady who had a family.
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And a couple of nights I went out drinking with him and it didn't take the little bit of pinprick and it all came out. And this was like, years after it had happened, like six or seven years after it had happened. And he still had zero reconciliation about it. Zero. It was all right at the surface. And I can only imagine. That's what guys that go to war must feel like.
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Police officers, other people who are in terrible incidents and accidents. Anyway, I give the show a little bit of credit, a little bit of credit for showing those very vulnerable, tough moments where it seems like Alec is essentially leaking out of his own skin. They kept it in there. So whether the editors...
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have full control over the final cut, or Alec has some kind of approval or whatever it is, I will say that they are showing some of these vulnerable moments, and you see just how tough this has been for everybody involved. Now, of course, that, you know, who is that? Hannah Goode? What was her name? Somebody or other? The lady who died? Anyway, whoever died,
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That, obviously, there's no comparison. None. Zero. She can never compare. Alec can figure a way through this. She can never, and her kids can never. But anyway, I just wanted to share that. The Baldwin show is rather interesting in that sense. Okay, now to something completely unserious. The Mountain Monsters. We all know them. We all love them. We all think they're ridiculous.
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And it just keeps getting more ridiculous as they are now counting down. There's a compilation video out there where they count down the top five hunts the mountain monsters have had in their hunting career of mythological bullshit creatures. We just saw them put together the Thunder Axe, I guess.
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That's right. It's the Lightning Man with the Thunder Brothers. The Thunder Brothers and the Lightning Man. But if they put together some kind of magical axe, I guess they have protection against the Thunder Brothers and the Lightning Axe.
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Yeah, like he was He-Man. And someone got struck by lightning, by the way. And peed. And peed himself. Lots of peeing in that episode. Anyway, go back on Friday. You can watch that episode. Let's get right back to it. I think we have some time left in this segment. Let's get right back to it with number three. Here we go.
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The Midnight Whistler. Now, why do all these creatures look alike? They all look exactly the same.
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I mean, some are more bulky than others, but it's generally the same principle.
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And I might add that these animations are absolutely childlike. I mean, you would think that I understand this thing is done on a shoestring budget. It just takes a forest and some a couple of cameramen and terrible sound effects. But you would think that they would spend a little bit of money just to go. I mean, I could get better things done on Fiverr. Do you know what I'm saying? All right.
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And how are you going to do that, Buck? You have never proven anything has existed. How are we going to do this one?
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this episode of the commercial break i am pissed off that i got tom fooled into believing that he was a good guy simply because he said hey i'm larry sorry you don't tell me that dude in that truck he pulled the wall clear over us he tore down our trap
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What is this? It's a mining operation? Oh, my God. These guys, they really have a specific acting skill set. And that is pointing at things that are not there and screaming really loud. Did he just say, look at those black guys?
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All right. I just wanted to make sure we weren't getting into some weird territory here.
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It was like a two-stick teepee. Three. Three sticks just put together like a teepee, but they were tiny.
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It could be booby trap. Easy now. If they don't say easy four times an episode. Easy, easy. Go slow into your certain death. Easy. The slower we die, the better.
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This is a bad spot. This is a bad spot. I'm telling you, we shouldn't be here. The lighting is terrible.
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This place gives me the herpes. This place gives me a bad case of the clap.
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You ain't the only one, brother. Yeah, you ain't the only one, brother. Let's do this.
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Let's stay around in the dark for a couple more hours and see what happens.
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Hey, Larry. Hey, boys. It's me, Larry. I was the one who stole your radio.
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There's another one over there! And rather than call scientific authoritize, we have decided to put the thermals on them. It's like a whistler. It's so stupid.
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That's a train whistle that the kids get for Halloween at the shitty houses.
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You know, and she's crying and she's upset because this is like one of the first times I think she's actually puked as a toddler. Yeah. And the warm water is running on top of us. The warm water will calm her down. And then I can just feel it, Chrissy. I can just feel the warm, silky, smooth flavors of macaroni and cheese and birthday cake running down the back of my body.
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And I look over my shoulder and she's just like all over my back. It's just dripping into the shower. Yeah. I'm in a mess now and I don't know what to do. How will I get out? What will I do? Do I throw the child over the shower glass and hope that they land on their feet? Do I scream? This is now a choose your own adventure in my mind.
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Do I call Astrid and beg her to take this puking baby out of my hands? Or do I just man up, let her puke on me, and clean her up when she gets done and hope that everything turns out okay? Well, I would have yelled to Astrid, but Astrid was cleaning the puke from the bed. Like, you know, waking all the kids up and taking them off the beds and, you know, cleaning the puke.
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She had puked all throughout the whole bedroom. It was just, it was disgusting. It was awful. The worst part about it was it had that smell. You know, sometimes you puke and it's got a smell, but it's not that bad. And then sometimes you puke and it smells like it's been ruminating for a couple of days. Do you know what I'm saying? That distinct throw up smell. And this was that.
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And this was that. It was. So now I'm full of it. She's full of it. The clothes are in the corner. There's puke all over the shower floor. What do I do? Well, I just decide to man up and let it happen. Yeah, you have to.
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Yeah, running down into the drain, which is lovely. You can clean that up later. Yeah, clean that up later. Well, I unscrewed the drain and I just like, you know, let it wash down. Listen, whatever. It's going to the same place, right? It's going to the same place as the toilet water. What do I give a shit at the end of the day? And it wasn't my kid is small relatively.
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So it wasn't like huge volumes of throw up. It wasn't like I just had 13 Bud Lights and threw up all over the floor.
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uh so i just let it happen and then i rock her in my arms for like 20 minutes while astrid is cleaning up the thing i mean the shower is just going and i'm there with the thought that someone has just thrown up on me and i'm in the shower and i can't tell you the pins and needles running up and down my back and my arm you know that like feeling like oh get it off me get it off me i
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And I know it's off me because I've been sitting in the shower for 20 minutes. But I can't get rid of the thought that someone had thrown up on me.
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She's a stranger when she's throwing up. That's not my child. That's some demon child. That's some demon animal that's throwing fire out of her mouth. She might as well be like a livey bull eye virus as far as I'm concerned. It was disgusting. And that was my thought too. It's like, what if she has a virus? You know that awful 24-hour stomach bug that you get? Yeah, that's bad.
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It feels like August or October of last year. Yeah, it happened. Like sometime in the late summertime.
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I hate it. To begin with. I hate it. And then when it's—
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uncontrollable and you're just oh you're laying down and then getting back up and laying down get back up oh when you are i'm never being like there's nothing left there's there wasn't anything left but i yeah i continued to go yeah i continued to go and retch and that's the worst part yeah is i'd almost rather have something in there yeah retch that bile that green oh
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Yeah, but luckily this was not that, so to speak. This was, I think, a combination of foods. We went to a birthday party. There was ice cream and cake and cookies and Doritos.
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Running, jumping, bouncing. Oh, it was at a trampoline park, too. There you go. Bouncing up and down. That was it. And, of course, Dad's always spinning the kids around for some reason, throwing them on the bed. That's my type of play with them. I just pick them up and throw them on the bed.
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But that that so this was not a virus related thing. I think it was just a tummy ache type of thing. But man, I'll tell you what, I am so glad it wasn't because all I could think about laying down that night was please don't wake up in the middle of the night like I did six months ago. Yes. That was the time the kids, the kid, one of our children was puking in the car.
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Oh, it was July because it was one of my kids' birthdays. And the next birthday was just a couple of days later. And we missed any activities for that birthday because we were so incredibly sick. Astrid and I got it almost within 12 hours of each other. And we were both hugging the porcelain. I mean, just like begging for mercy. And then the kids got better and Astrid and I were still sick.
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Oh, my God. I was like... Go to McDonald's. Buy all the Happy Meals you can. Buy the movies. I don't care how little money we have. Just send them to Six Flags. Get a babysitter. Put them on a bus. Send them to the airport and back. I don't care. It doesn't matter. All reasoning goes when you're that sick. You don't give a shit. You just want your children to leave you the fuck alone. Please.
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Please. But no, there's no rest for the wicked. Those kids don't stop. No. As a matter of fact, the worse off you are, the more irritating they get because they understand. They have an inherent sick sense. They know you're sick and they won't leave you alone.
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Yes. The one time as a parent I've been hungover was the worst parenting day ever. Not only because I was hungover, but because they knew it. They had an instinct. Like a cat. They have like cat-like reflexes and they jump on you and they pounce. And they're like, hey, daddy.
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And you're like, my brain's about to bleed. Oh, really? Peppa Pig is on. Can I turn on Peppa Pig in volume 50? Sure. Okay. No problem, I guess. It's 6.15 in the morning. Time to wake up. Daddy just got home at 3. I know. Welcome to parenthood, Daddy. Oh, excuse me while I vomit on you.
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Yeah, is Bluey going to do an episode on a hungover mommy and daddy? Yeah, they should. In that movie, we need to put a section of that movie dedicated to hungover. They haven't dealt with hungover yet. But I could see Bluey and Bandit doing this really well. And you're right about this. Sesame Street needs to do an episode on mommy and daddy being hungover.
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Yeah, so the mom and daddy can get back to drinking. Listen, I have lots of, I have one friend in particular who did this the entirety of growing, raising his children, but he had a wife that always took care of the children. Do you know what I'm saying? He always had an out. He had a card. He would always say, I got to go to work, baby. I got to brainstorm about my work.
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I got to do a brainstorming sesh, which meant five days worth of cocaine and two bottles of whiskey an hour and cigarettes and all kinds of things. And he would always call me and he'd be like, bro, I got to do a brainstorming sesh. And one time I caught him out on my porch at like 530 in the morning. Sun's just coming right up and he's out there on his computer.
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Cigarettes, like five cigarettes in his mouth. You know, lines cut on a mirror. Yeah. I solved the key. I solved the key to all the things that I needed. And then he slept for two days.
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He slept for two days and went home. That's how it works. All right. I got lots more to talk about. We'll be back.
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All right. And we're back. You know, Chrissy, I'm always looking out for the listener. I'm always thinking about the listener. I like to think that I'm selflessly thinking about the listener as I'm trolling around bikini pictures and making sure that the world of Instagram is nipple-less. But sometimes I come across a trend that I think is important for some of our listeners to know.
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And, you know, I think we have a few single listeners out there. I hear from them every once in a while. I get a text message or an email. And just by the nature of the email, you can tell that they're single or they should be single. Or there's a reason they're single. There's a trend on TikTok and Instagram going on right now.
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There's a girl who has taught everybody something called the sticky eyes. Have you heard about the sticky eyes? I have not. Okay, let me let her explain in her own words. How's that? I'm going to put this up to the microphone because we don't have somebody to play this for us. Sticky eyes.
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First of all, this girl, there's no humility with this girl. I mean, she is. I invented this. I invented it. You invented eyes? Did you invent eyes? Let's see what she has to say.
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Okay, this sounds just as dumb as anything Michael Anthony has ever said.
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Yeah, just like cornered them. Put an arm up so they can't get away. I mean, this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Stare at them uncomfortably long and they'll come right to you. With a police officer, maybe? I mean, how many restraining orders do you have, young lady? This is weird. You don't just stare at somebody uncomfortably long. That is a weird notion that that would work.
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Never look again. Throughout the entire relationship, look down at your feet. So I noticed you staring at me. Nope, my shoes. Those are my feet. What the fuck?
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It doesn't work. This girl, for some reason, thinks she's got some magic because she stared at a guy and he came to her. Yeah, okay, guys are pretty fucking dumb in general. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, she's a pretty girl. Yeah, she's a pretty girl. I mean, she's attractive. You give...
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If you have that girl staring at you and you're at a bar and you're single, of course you're going to come hither. I mean, that's it. That's the thing. Guys aren't – this is the thing, ladies. Guys are really not a riddle. We're not a mystery. In case you haven't figured it out yet, we're pretty open as far as books are concerned. We're pretty open books.
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If you give us any amount of positive attention or negative attention, it's likely we're going to come hither like a puppy dog if we're single. Because that's just what we do. There's no magic to that. You could just go up to a guy and say, I think you're attractive. Come have a drink with me. Yeah.
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And if a guy has half a head on his shoulders and he's single and available or in a relationship that's, you know, ethically non-monogamous or whatever you're calling it these days, then of course he's going to come hang out with you. Yeah. Do you know how many times this same trick has worked on me? None. You want to know why? I didn't give a girl a chance to have the second stare.
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After the first stare, I was buying her a drink. That was it. Yeah, look at me once. I was literally scanning the bar for anyone to look at me. And if you looked at me, you got a free Bud Light. That's what happened. You play the odds. You send over Bud Light no matter what. Just Bud Light, Bud Light, Bud Light. And if you don't like Bud Light, you're not for me. Then move on to the next one.
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It was usually the bartender. It was uncomfortable. Who'd ask to change shifts. She'd be texting somebody. She'd be like, can you cover my shift? Brian's back.
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The guy who stares? Yeah. Yeah, that guy who stares. This is not a good idea. I don't know why this is so complicated. Be yourself. Do your thing. Don't be a fucking creep ball. Don't be staring at people endlessly until you try and zoom them in with your magical powers. Just go and have a conversation with somebody. And if it works, if there's magic, you'll know it.
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And if there's no magic, you'll know that too. And if there's magic that you're feeling and she's not or he's not, well, you'll figure that one out eventually. That one will come to you eventually.
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It's not a hack. There's no hack. Yeah, I've seen all the cooking and cleaning hacks, you know. How do you clean a dead body out of your basement? Doesn't work. Tried it. How do you make a million dollars podcasting? Tried it, doesn't work. Money hack. Money hack, yeah.
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Investment hacks. Listen, if there was a secret that you could use, some magic power, and on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack works.
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And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when.
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And like some weird tribal writing in a cave. It's been lost for a generation, but now we found it again. Yeah. Like lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yeah. Noemi taught us that one, and we're still surprised that vinegar is cleaning the house better than any, you know, industrial lubricant cleaning solution we've ever used. Here's the reality.
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And I think this is, you know, I had an idea for a segment that we could do that's named We Did It So You Don't Have To. Yeah. Like, take a life hack, do it here, see if it works, and then we'll all really do the test. If I have been fooled once by the Rubik's Cube hack videos, I've been fooled a million times by them. Do you know these videos that go around?
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You can solve any Rubik's Cube by twisting it three times this way, four times that way, seven times this way. Chrissy, I've spent hours in that kitchen dissecting those videos. I must be doing something wrong. I must be doing something wrong. And then I go to the comments section and it's like, yeah, that works. if you take an already completed Rubik's Cube and do that in reverse and start there.
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So every one of them's fake. Every one of them's a lie. There is no hack for the Rubik's Cube. I mean, there are tricks to get it done quicker, but you just have to know how to solve a Rubik's Cube, which unfortunately my pea brain... Wasn't able to do in my best of years. It's not going to be able to do in my worst of years. Okay? I'm on the downslide.
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I'm not going to be able to complete a Rubik's Cube. I don't care. I'm throwing it out. There's no hack to finding love. There is no hack to relationships. It's about meeting someone with mutual respect, trust, and admiration and trying your best on a daily basis to keep it par, to keep that par. Trust, respect, admiration.
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That's it. That's the hack. The hack is be a fucking good partner.
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If you're a good partner, you'll have a good partner. It really is pretty simple. I've tried all the relationship hacks. Dating people who are a little off kilter because they're really good in bed, but you'll make it work. Don't worry about it. No, doesn't work. Date your best friend. No, doesn't work. I don't know. Pay for sex. Still didn't work. I paid for it and I didn't get it. I paid for it.
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Ménage a trois. They kicked you out. They kicked me out of the bedroom. I was the only one left without an orgasm. And I had no involvement in the other orgasms. So there you go. Wasn't fun. Okay. There's no magic secret. There's no hack to relationships.
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Trust. Admiration. Yeah. All those things that you hear about that are so hard to do.
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That's the hack. Do the hard work. You got to get it right. Yes. Listen, Astrid and I. as of yesterday, have known each other face-to-face. The first time we met face-to-face, 10 years ago.
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Thank you very much. So we've been over 10 years talking to each other. People will ask, and when I say people, I mean dignitaries and presidents around the world, prime ministers.
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Dr. Phil, how do you do it, Brian? How do you have a relationship with so little friction? Well, first of all, be a podcaster who spends most of his time... Let me tell you, like, funny side note. At the beginning of this podcast, if you listen to it, you will be reminded that Brian would often come in and say, I think I'm one step from divorce because I'm spending so much time on the podcast.
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Last night, Astrid encouraged me to spend more time with the podcast.
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If there was a secret that you could use, some magic power, and on occasion, I will admit, on occasion, a hack works.
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Well, she's like, oh, we can get rid of that. We don't need that. You can do the work, right? And I'm like, that means more time in the studio.
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Whether you're ready or not, whether you want to eat or not. You can go back to work after that. Feel free.
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There you go. See, here's the thing that I've learned about relationships. They ebb and flow like every other thing, right? Like friendships, every relationship in life, business, friendship, whatever. There's usually some kind of ebb and flow. At first, you can't get enough of each other. Then you're mad because you aren't getting enough of each other.
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And it's usually something your grandma was doing way back when.
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I don't know if it makes me happy, but it's... It gives me purpose. Let's put it that way. We laugh. We do laugh. That's it. And so how do you make a relationship last for 10 years? I can count on one hand the amount of blowouts that Astrid and I have had. And those blowouts were... Where compared to some other relationships I have, those were like a conversation on a Tuesday afternoon.
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That was a good day for some of the relationships that I had because the blowouts last very little time because we have a mutual respect and trust and admiration for each other. And we know we just we kind of understand how each other ticks.
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And like some weird tribal writing in a cave that's been lost for a generation, but now we've found it again.
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Laugh at your small penis and your inability to give the other person an orgasm. Laugh at that stuff. That's funny to you. That's funny. That's funny, babe. Look, it's been 10 years. No orgasms. Isn't that funny? Call Guinness Book of World Records. All the Guinness Book of World Records. Ten-year relationship, zero orgasms. We'll get there. We're working on it, babe. We're working on it.
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It's a marathon, not a sprint. To which she says, I'll be in the bedroom. Go back to your studio. I'll be working on my orgasm while you work on your shit, whatever that is you're doing in there. Listen, this is not complicated. Sticky eyes doesn't work because it worked for this young girl who is attractive and probably.
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Yeah, at a bar in college. Come on. At a bar in college. You could literally... I mean, I hate to tell this story, but I'm going to tell it. Because, you know, why not? I've already told every story. When Chrissy and I worked at Clear Channel... There was a guy that sat in the office next to me, and he was a huge Clemson fan because he went to Clemson. Clemson, Clemson, Clemson.
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Like lemon and vinegar really does clean. Yes. Noemi taught us that one, and we're still surprised that vinegar's cleaning the house.
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Everything's about Clemson. Clemson. Chrissy, you see the Clemson game?
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Yeah, I want to say his name because if I said the name and then I did the voice, it would make perfect sense. But he was married. He had kids. He just sounded funny, right? But we loved him. He was a great guy. He was. Yeah, but he'd be like, hey, Brian, you ever been to a Clemson game? And I'd be like, a Clemson game? No, I've never been to a Clemson game.
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I very rarely stepped foot on a college campus, if I'm being honest. And he'd be like, I'll take you to a Clemson game. You love a Clemson game. The Clemson games are so much fun. And so after a year of haggling me and after a divorce and, you know, being beat up at Clear Channel every day, seven days a week forever. Protections, protections, protections, protections. Your protections are up.
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Your protections are down. How many protections do you have? Give me more protections. You know, meetings every morning at 7 in the morning. You know, I finally, I relented. I said, well, you know, because he kept on saying, you got to come to a Clemson game.
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I take the kids and we set up the thing and we got a nice place and you love it. It's Clemson. And I'm like, oh, it's a beautiful campus and there's a party and I got my own spot and I paid for it and it's over near campus.
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And I'm like, I don't know what anything you're talking about. And it doesn't sound like a ton of fun to go to a Clemson game with your family. He had two young kids at the time.
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Tailgating the whole thing. But I like the guy. He's a friend of mine and he and he was good to me. And I think I was a friend to him. And so after a year of the nonstop talk about Clemson, I said, all right, I'll go to a clinic. Well, you got to go to homecoming with me. Homecoming is going to be so much fun.
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And I was like, OK, he's like, I don't have a ticket for you, but you can jump over the turnstiles. And I'm like, jump over the turnstile? What am I, 12? I'm going to jump over the turnstile. Am I a hooligan looking to get in a real Madrid match like this? What am I doing here, right? So Saturday afternoon arrives.
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I'm going to meet him at his house, and we're going to all drive over to Clemson, which is like a two-hour drive from Atlanta. And this is all going to make sense when I tell you the rest of the story after the break. We'll be back.
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Okay, Chrissy and I were talking about a trend on a reel that's trending on Instagram and TikTok. A hack.
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How to get someone to come hither out of a college bar by staring at them until they get uncomfortable and finally come your way and approach you with a security officer. So we were talking about that and we were explaining, you know, how that's probably not the solution for a relationship. And then Chrissy said, plus, at a college bar.
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I mean, a college bar where everybody is smashed and looking for a one night stand, basically. Not everybody, but most people. I mean, we've all been to a college bar. We know what happens at a college bar. Everybody gets drunk and laid. That's what happens at a college bar.
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Aw, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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So I was explaining that in my early 30s, I have this guy who's working at the office next to me, and he has gone to Clemson. He's a Clemson guy. He's got a Clemson tailgate spot that he pays for every year, season tickets. He's been begging me to go to a game for over a year. So finally I say yes. I show up at his house. He's already pre-gaming it. Wife's pregnant, by the way.
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She's going to be driving the car. Two small kids already. We're going into like a minivan or something. And I'm like, yeah. And so I just cracked the Bud lights immediately. Like this game, by the way, is at 3 p.m. So we're like, it's like 11 o'clock in the morning. We're heading out there. And he's like, this is gonna be the greatest thing ever. You never seen a Clemson game?
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Clemson's gonna, you're gonna love it. It's awesome. And I'm like, okay, great. We're going to Clemson game. We get there, two-hour drive. We have roadies. The kids are in the car, and we're pouring Bud Lights into these plastic cups and drinking on the way to the Clemson game. And I swear to God, Clemson flags the entire way up there. Everybody's doing the same thing.
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Everyone's heading to Clemson. It's like a big exodus from Atlanta to Clemson. And we go, and we park in the trees, right in the shadow of the stadium. It's pretty impressive, right? I've never been to a college football game at that point in my life. Never. Never. So I'm, you know, okay, I'm getting excited. I'm like, all right. So we pop soap in the back.
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There's a bunch of people that are parked around us in this plot of grass, and everybody knows everybody.
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Hey, what you doing? Hey, hey, hey, Clemson. Where's Clemson? Homecoming. Homecoming Clemson. You know, Clemson, Clemson, Clemson.
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And everybody's dressed in that damn orange and those fucking sun visors and sunglasses hanging around their neck. You know, the typical Clemson wear. Oh, yeah. Across the way, across the street is sorority and fraternity row. The row. The row. And I mean, one long street. So mainly sorority houses on this end of the street where we are.
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How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of this commercial break.
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And then at the end of that street, gas station, couple of bars. So before the game, I am out of cigarettes right before the game. And I'm like, okay. And he goes, well, you just got to run down to gas station down there at the corner, which is like a quarter of a mile. So I go, I cross the street. I'm walking in front of these sorority houses. Party everywhere, right? Party everywhere.
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So I've got a roadie in my hands. I'm now like six, seven Bud Lights in, and I don't really make it to the gas station in the most direct way. I kind of walk through the grass. I pour myself a beer from the keg. I'm just enjoying myself. I'm walking in. I'm talking to people.
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Yeah, I didn't go to college, so now I'm getting the college experience, hanging out with the sorority and fraternity guys. And by the way, I wasn't the only 30-year-old doing that. There was, like, lots of people just, like, partying everywhere.
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Only one you'll ever need. Five minutes or less. Raw Dog It. Raw Dog It.
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So there were two bars at the end of the street, like the strip mall. It was a Mexican restaurant that was a bar, and then it was, like, a bar bar, and then a gas station. So I walk in the front door of the Mexican restaurant... I order a Bud Light. There are a ton of kids in this place. Just all drinking. Male, female, everything.
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And there is a young lady sitting at the bar when I ordered the drink. And she's staring at me. And I'm like, hey, what you doing? And she's like, getting ready for homecoming. This is crazy, isn't it? And I'm like, yeah. And she goes, you are handsome. And I was like, oh, well, thank you. And she's like, meet me here after the game. That's what she says to me.
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And I take that Bud Light and I pound it, knowing that I got to get back and jump the turnstile because I don't have a ticket, right? And I don't think much of it. I have no idea how old this girl is. I'm guessing in her 20s, you know, like mid-20s. But I don't really know. I mean, they don't ask for an ID, right? She looks adult, but she doesn't look like, you know, she's not 40.
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And I go and I grab my cigarettes and I go back. And so now I have to jump the turnstile of the Clemson thing. This guy, you know what he did? He's like, I'm going to take the ticket. And then I'm going to get the ticket stub because they only check the ticket stubs. And then you run to the opposite side of the stadium.
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You like that, when I kind of swooped in? Uh-huh. You'll have to check that out on YouTube.com.
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And then I'm going to give you the ticket stub because I'm uncomfortable about actually jumping.
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I'm like, I'm an adult. Why don't I just buy a ticket? He's like, there ain't no more tickets left. It's Clemson. And I'm like, okay, I don't fucking know. By the way, this is long before Clemson was good at football this last time they were good at football. They weren't that good at this point in time. But I'm like, I don't want to just try to like, it's a big area.
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You walk into these gates and then there are ticket takers, right? But if you're sneaky enough, you can kind of like sneak in behind someone and just head for the hills, right? Just dart, I guess. I don't know. But I'm not a ticket jumper. Like, that's not what I'm going to do.
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So he's trying to explain to me how he's going to throw me the ticket stub from the balcony and then I'm going to catch it in the trees and then I'm going to walk back in and say I left and whatever. I'm like, no, okay, fine. I'll jump the turnstile. I'll do that. Well, everyone's walking in and I'm going in behind him. And then he's like making this ruckus about his tickets.
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Hey, that guy who does Dr. Phil, is it Ryan Long who does Dr. Phil? Do you know who I'm talking about? The comedian who does the Dr. Phil live show?
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Like he drops his ticket. You know, he's trying to create a distraction. And I like sneak in sideways. And as I'm moving to the side, what do I run into? A security guard. And he's like, ticket. And I'm like, he has my ticket. Yeah. And then this guy is just like counting them twice. He's like, one, two, three. And then he's like putting behind four, five, six.
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Seven, eight, nine. Yeah, sleight of hand. And the security guard is like, you don't have enough tickets. And he's like, I thought I had seven. I don't know what happened.
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and he's like go he just says go right and i'm like oh thank god this isn't the first time yeah this isn't the first time and it's not the last time apparently this happens a lot we go we watch the game well the thing that sucks about the game is that there's no alcohol served at the game at this time there's no booze served at the game that's still a thing yeah so i'm coming down i'm like fuck this like you know okay yeah i mean day drinking only works if you keep drinking
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Yeah. And they're playing like West Kentucky Tech. You know what I'm saying? It's a homecoming game. It's an easy school. It's 40 to zero by the time it's the first quarter is over. So I'm like, ah, whatever. Halfway over halfway through the game. I'm like, I'm going to go back to the and everybody agrees. Let's just go back to the car and we'll start drinking.
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And by the way, the stadium is half empty at this point. Like nobody's there to be everyone wants to get back to partying. So we start drinking again. And within an hour, I picked up right where I left off. My buzz is good. And ding, the light bulb goes off. Oh, I got to meet that girl at the bar. So what do I do? I walk back to the bar and no fucking hairy shit.
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Have you seen this? Uh-uh. I think we've talked about it briefly on the show. There's another podcaster and comedian. I think his name is Ryan Long. And he does, like, he gets a bald cap on. He dresses up like Dr. Phil. And he does a whole live show called Dr. Phil Live. Oh, wow. Where he goes up and he pretends he's Dr. Phil. He talks to celebrities. He interacts with the audience.
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Is that girl there with her friends hanging out? And she's like... you know, hanging out, drinking. I'm like standing there trying to get her to notice me. Like clearly she'll remember me. She has no fucking, like she's not even paying attention. She has no idea who I am. She's not doing the sticky eyes at all. She's doing the dirty eyes. Like why is this guy staring at me?
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And so finally I walk up and I go, hey, can I buy you a drink? Remember me? And she goes, oh. Not really. I was like, we met before the game. You told me to meet you here. And she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, yeah. You know, I'll take a drink. Drink. Two drinks. Three drinks. Now I'm like 45 minutes in.
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And at some point, however it happened, whichever it happened, I'm not even sure because I do not have this kind of game. I am not John Anthony. I am not, you know, Adam the Liar. But all of the sudden we are kissing, like making out in the bar.
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kissing and making out and then i realized i've been gone an hour and 15 minutes and my blackberry i've like missed like 12 text messages and phone calls because he's like i gotta go the kids gotta go to bed you know whatever so i'm like oh shit well listen i gotta go i'm sorry she's like oh no no no no let me give you my phone number and then call me and then you know next you know i live up in anderson or whatever she says you know i could come down to atlanta whatever i'm like oh okay give me i'll put it in my phone blah blah blah blah
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I don't wait an hour before I text this girl. And what do I get? I get, this number doesn't exist. I get a total fuck you. The number doesn't exist. It's a totally fake phone number. It doesn't exist. There's nowhere for it to go. Text messages just bounce. My BBMs just bounce. That's it. BBM, if you remember that. The BBM just bounces, and I am lost in it. So here's my point.
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staring at someone at a college bar is not a particularly like, I don't think it's an effective tactic, but then you don't even need it. You don't just go to a college bar and hang out for long enough. And a lovely guy or girl, whatever your favor is, is going to find you because that's what you're doing. You're all partying and having a good time, letting your hair hang out.
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It's the time of life when you just go and have fun and kiss strangers and Drink and accept shots from people. I mean, be smart about it, right? Be smart about it. Always get consent. But have fun. Like, you don't need tips and tricks and hacks. You just need to be yourself. You'll be okay unless you're a total asshole. And I know a few of those. Yeah, then you should change.
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Then you should change. Yeah, then you need therapy. Skip the college bar. Go to the therapy.
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Yes. But there is no hack to therapy. getting attracted to someone or someone getting attracted to you. There is no hack. It's a magic. It's a magic formula that even the best of scientists, nor the quantum witch can solve for you. You'll figure it out. You just got to get, put yourself out there, go to the bar, grab a pack of cigarettes, walk into the Mexican restaurant.
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When you're on your way to grab a pack of cigarettes, put yourself out there, start smoking cigarettes, drink lots of Bud Light. Jump the gate at the Clemson game and, you know, be unscrupulous in general. You will find your human being. They are out there. There's plenty of us. And there's lots of them.
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I'm reading all these sad stories about this generation of kids that's growing up now, these 20-somethings and late teens. They are the least laid. They are the least relationship involved. They are the least optimistic that they'll ever have relationships that are meaningful, like romantic relationships that are meaningful.
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It's really funny, but my impression is better. That's all I got to say. Okay. You want to do a Phil off? We'll do a Phil off. I can do a Phil off. This is going to be a changing day in your life, I'm telling you right now. Grass greener on the other side, isn't it? Dr. Phil has found his way into controversy and infamy. He has been quite the nudnik as of late, running around.
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And that to me is very sad, but I understand why it's because you've never just put the screen down for a minute and walked into a bar and gotten yourself into a little bit of good trouble. You know what I mean? Good trouble. That's okay.
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Yeah, like drugs. Drugs are perfect for your late teens and early 20s. Now put them down by your mid-20s or else, you know, then shit starts going sideways. But this is the time of your life. Go have the time of your life. Get in trouble without getting arrested. That's the good kind of trouble. Find a few strangers. Make new friends. Have an adventurous night.
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Do something that doesn't involve a screen and staying at home, wishing things were different. And I promise you, I promise you, you may not get laid every time, but it eventually will happen if you want it to. Take advice.
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Good trouble. I don't want to encourage anybody to get in actual trouble. I just want them to get in the good kind of trouble. You know, the kind of trouble where you end up, you know, making out with somebody at the bar.
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Yeah. What's wrong with that, Chrissy? What's wrong with that?
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breaking onto the golf course at 3 in the morning and smoking a joint and laying a blanket down and giving each other mutual massages. That's a good kind of trouble. Been there, done that. Yeah. Find a massage friend. I guarantee you're going to have some fun with that one. I used to have a massage friend. That's what we called each other, massage friends.
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No, I don't think so. I don't know who you're thinking about, but I don't think so. I don't think so. I'm not going to say that. Find yourself an Eastern European angry friend. You know what I'm saying? Find somebody. And you guys agree to just have the good kind of trouble. An Eastern European angry friend. Okay. That's the good kind of trouble. That's the good kind of trouble.
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Just make sure you don't get on their bad side. All right. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas. We're taking them all right at that phone number. We'd love to hear from you. Text message or voicemail. If you have something you want to say to us, call in, leave it on the voicemail, and you could be the next voice that opens up the commercial break.
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Also, we are imploring you, please go follow us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak. You'd be a doll face if you do it on TikTok, too, though we don't post there as often. Listen, I can only do so much. But TCB Podcast on TikTok, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak for all the episodes the same day they air here on the audio feed. Go check out the new studio floors at tcbpodcast.com.
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All the audio, all the video, and your free sticker at the Contact Us page. No muss, no fuss. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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What happened to the Dr. Phil show? Couldn't he continue to do that? I don't know.
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Catching people near the border? Make sure everything's going okay. Oh, really? Okay. All right. Dr. Phil. Yeah, this is the part that really kind of gets me. And I don't want to go. I'm not going to go off on a tangent. So stay tuned. Don't press pause just yet. Not going to go off on a tangent. I'm just going to say this and this will be it.
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It surprises me and it infuriates me at times how content creators and other celebrities are just jumping over themselves.
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to lick the balls of you know political figures that otherwise we would have just had a kind of a healthy distrust of like a a little bit of i don't know like a little bit of uh i don't think i trust that guy because he's a politician but now everybody's like licking the balls as quick as they can and i get it because you don't certainly don't want to be on the bad side of a certain political party that may or may not exact revenge upon you but then at the same time like shouldn't we
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We have like a little healthy disdain for our politicians and our higher ups in our government. Doesn't matter who's in power. They're all going to fuck you. And so you might as well have a you know, just keep one eye open when you're dealing with these people and to just run to get in the middle of the fray in the fracas so that you can take it, you know.
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Him and Judge Judy were the number one syndicated television shows in daytime TV. And daytime TV pays a shitload of money because it gets syndicated all over the place. And they throw those, I don't know, Tide commercials in there, and everybody loves it. General Mills and Tide, they all spend their money in the afternoon, and that's big money. You can make a Dr. Phil show probably for $50,000.
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If you have the set ready, you could probably make it without Phil's salary. You could probably make it for $50,000.
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Yeah. Yeah, it was Oprah. Thanks, Oprah. See, even Oprah, you should have a healthy disdain and distress for. Now, I like Oprah. I don't know her, but I can't say too much. I like Oprah because my mom liked Oprah. Oh, I love Oprah. I love Oprah because my mom Ballsy, a woman as she is, decided to do the following. Let me tell you the story.
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There was a famous period of time with the Oprah Winfrey show when Oprah was everything. Oprah was everything in the 90s. Everything. And they used to run these commercials. And here was the tagline. It was like a promo commercial for Oprah. And they'd be showing clips of her show. And there'd be a little ditty in the background. And that ditty was Oprah's on.
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Right. So the thing was, everybody was saying, oh, Oprah's on. We got to go watch Oprah. So my mom picked us up from school one time, three o'clock. That carpool was no joke. Sometimes you get stuck there till 315, 330, just waiting for your kids to get to your car. It was a holy shit of a process like it is now with my kids. It's like, holy fuck, this is so inefficient. Why do we do it this way?
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But anyway, that's not for me to decide. That's for me to suffer through. I'm not going to decide things I'm going to suffer through. So my mom picks us up.
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swear to god driving through my neighborhood and there are a number of stop signs but we're in this neighborhood that no cop has ever visited for any reason besides maybe some drama that happened inside the neighborhood cops don't sit there and clock people it's a neighborhood like a private neighborhood well my mom blows through a stop sign and when the cop pulls her over my mom is so agitated that she tells the police officer can you hurry up oprah's on
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Oprah's on. My mom had to make it to see Oprah. She's willing to kill her kids. Did he?
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He did not speed things up. In fact, I think he slowed them down. I would say so. Yes, because that's the way it works. It's not a great excuse. But my mom had been watching Oprah since we were kids in Chicago when she had a non-syndicated show when it was just broadcast locally. And it was a different type of show back then. But I just remember my mom would cry at the Oprah show.
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She would laugh at the Oprah show. It was like Oprah was her best friend. And so for me as a little child, as a toddler and a little kid, why?
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Auntie Oprah. That's what it felt like. Yes. It felt like I had an extra aunt and her name was Oprah. And Oprah was omnipresent in our lives. And whatever Oprah said went. So I have an affinity for Oprah. It doesn't mean that Oprah's done all the most wonderful things in the world, including hoarding land in Hawaii. But okay, let's get past that. She dropped a holy shit bomb on us twice.
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Not once, but twice. With Dr. Phil and then Dr. Oz. God damn it. Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz Oprah? Really?
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And I didn't see the Oprah Winfrey network running from that. Do you know what I'm saying? They collected that cash. That's all I got to say. I didn't see her running from that. Dr. Phil? Listen, at first, Dr. Phil? Yeah, yeah. Straight talk. Straight talk, Dr. Phil. You know, my husband's cheating on my wife's cheating on my uncle cheating on my brother.
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And he'd be like, there's going to be a change day in your life. Do you think you should be sticking your dick in your mother?
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no well that's right you shouldn't be sticking your dick in your mother let's let's let's talk turkey here guys and girls we shouldn't be sticking dicks in our mothers you understand you agree with me and everybody be like oh finally someone said it you shouldn't have sex with your mother and it was dr phil and we're all like dr phil a little straight talk when it's needed that's right but then it turned into like catch me outside girl like you know what i'm saying catch me outside
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Jerry Springer show. That's right. They devolve. And if you've watched the Jerry Springer Netflix documentary, which is very good, by the way, then you'll see how quickly that happened. Because guess what? That's where the ratings are. We love a train wreck. Yeah. And to me, Dr. Phil, toward the end, a lot of it was just like poverty porn, if I'm being honest.
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It was just bringing on a lot of people who didn't have a lot of money, were in tough situations that probably any of us could find ourselves in. But they happened to be in it and then exploiting that situation for ratings, sometimes in three or four episodes. But Ryan Long does a pretty funny Dr. Phil.
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Be funny. Hurry up. Be funny. Hurry up and be funny. Yeah. I'll tell you what's not funny, Chrissy.
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Puke. Puke is not funny. I don't find puke to be funny. No. I hate puke.
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Well, I mean, I don't think there's any. I don't know. There are puke lovers out there. There is a sexual fetish. No. Yes. No. I'm not even kidding. Not even joking.
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Yeah, well, hey, listen, I'm not putting it in your vagina. I'm just putting it in your mind. There's a sexual fetish out there for people who puke. They like to be puked on. That's a thing. I don't know. I know. Absolutely horrid.
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We all went to school, and every school had that bag of orange-flavored sawdust that they would throw on puke that did nothing but make the puke smell like orange-flavored puke. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad.
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Oh, yeah. I still smell it to this day. As a matter of fact, I went into my kid's school the other day, and there was a pile of that orange. It was present. Yeah, they still use the same shit to suck up the puke.
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Yeah, isn't there like something, like a puke machine? Don't they have like a puke robot that comes and like, you know, I will now clean up your puke? Yes, there should be. Or something. There should be. We need to invent that. Boston Dynamics needs to invent. Screw all that soldier bullshit.
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Invent a robot that goes and cleans up puke on your behalf without making it smell like orange deodorant puke. Do you know what I'm saying?
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Yes. It's got a big mouth on the bottom of it, like a fish mouth, and it just sucks up the puke. It puts it in a bag, like a sanitary bag, and then it drives it to a far-off location and puts it on a rocket and sends it to outer space. Yeah, it explodes. That's right. Because puke and shit.
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I mean, if you know me, if you listen to the show, then you will know that I just have a real problem with pee-pee-poo-poo and puke. It's like bodily fluids are not my thing at all.
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And then I had 30 kids. And now they're all, it's coming out of every direction. It really is. Yeah. It was a couple years ago when two of my kids got sick at the exact same moment, and Astrid happened to be out with her friends that night, and they got sick at the exact same moment. One sat up out of bed, like shot up like something out of the exorcist, and just started projectile vomiting.
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And then the other one who was in the same bed rolled over and started vomiting over the side of the bed within seconds of each other. It was insane. And so here I am carrying both kids, running into the bathroom, disrobing them, putting them in the shower,
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Well, that was a couple years ago, and then we had the projectile vomiting incident on the way home from my dad's house one time where the entire car was full of puke. I mean, my kid could not stop throwing up, and it was projectile, and it was gross. Well, the other night... As I do, Chrissy, I was taking my third shower of the day. That's my wrap-up shower, my wrap-up shower for the night.
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Try and relieve some of my high blood pressure. I stand in the shower for 30 to 40 minutes, catching up on whatever television I haven't had an opportunity to watch yet. So I'm taking a shower. It's 11 o'clock, 1130 at night. And the door is closed. The door to my bedroom, the bathroom is closed. And I hear the most ungodly bang, like, boom, just a crashing sound.
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And I was, holy shit, what was that? Because everybody was asleep. And then as soon as I scream, what was that? Astrid comes popping through the door. Oh. Like a fucking Kool-Aid man, you know, crashing through the door with one of my youngest kids holding her, facing forward, arms outstretched, and all I can see is just puke just pouring out of this child's mouth.
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And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's on the glass of the shower. It's splashing on the floor. And I say, give her to me. Give her to me. Why I said that, I have no idea, but I just thought I was trying to be helpful. Yeah, I didn't think she would actually do it. She gives her to me fully clothed. I'm in the shower completely naked.
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And now I've got this kid that's puking all over the place in my hands. Fully clothed, now sopping wet. So I undress her real quick in the shower. I put the clothes off to the side in the shower and I throw her up over the top of my shoulder. And I'm just like rocking her back and forth like, oh, it's okay. It's okay.
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The pipe is only so big, and if it gets a lot of stuff stuck in there, it's going to back up. So I thought, well, yeah, it's probably the meat, babe. Probably the meat. So now we're on our way to Chuck E. fucking Cheese for one of my kids' birthdays, and now I've got a full-blown emergency under my sink. I've got a bunch of meat stuck in my P-trap. If you don't know what a P-trap is, look it up.
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They knew. If the authorities got a hold. If the authorities got wind of what a problem this was becoming, then certainly they were going to cause unwanted attention on this Cloud 9 and the Galaxy Gas. Well, it happened. Someone died. A problem came. People got sick. Families started complaining. You know, DAs started looking into this.
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And so the guys at Cloud 9 decided to sell their Galaxy Gas business and take it out of the stores altogether. This just happened at the middle of last year. But the amazing thing is, is that a simple Amazon search will show you that it's very easy to get this gas delivered right to your fucking front door in relatively similar containers with relatively similar amounts.
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This was a novelty when we were kids. You'd see it at the dead show, the fish show, whatever. You'd occasionally have a friend who'd bring a packet of whippets over and, you know, maybe you'd get... I tell you the one time where we cleaned a store out of whipped cream cans, and we had to explain that we were having an ice cream party, and the girl at Kroger was like...
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We were like, it's a freaky whipped cream party. And I got the headache of all head. I mean, we sat up in like a weird loft one time. Just whipped cream all over the place. It was a disgusting scene. I'm disgusted with myself. Disgusted with myself. I woke up with all these empty whipped cream cans.
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I did not do the whip it. That's right. Because if you don't shake the can and you hold it up straight, you can get the NO2 goes to the top and you get the NO2 out of it. And when I worked at Chili's, they had to lock the whipped cream away because everybody, they would buy it in boxes and everybody would find themselves in the walk-in cooler doing whippets when the manager wasn't looking.
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It was a thing. But it was a novelty. It was relatively like, you know, once a year somebody would have a NO2 cartridge and you would, you know, get high. I remember one time at a festival, like a small festival here, somebody brought one of the medical grade, like had, you know, the hippie crack mafia type thing, had those things.
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And it was a parking event where it parked like parking camping, like you would park your car and you would camp next to it. The guy parked next to us. And my friend could not get to the – he had to leave the festival like four times. No, to get to the ATM to get more money to buy more hippie crack. It was insane. He got addicted over the weekend. In a weekend, he got addicted.
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And I can't think of how many balloons were empty sitting around the car by the time we were done. I can only imagine. It was insane. Because, you know, the guy who was selling the hippie crack decided that he cared about people's germs and you couldn't use the balloon twice. Whatever it was. This is crazy. And I guess you could see this train coming down the tracks.
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But here's what I have to say. More than don't get addicted to hippie crack, because don't get addicted to hippie crack. It's a terrible way to go. And it's dangerous. And don't drive and all that other stuff. I'm not saying you shouldn't do it. I'm saying you should do it smartly like every other drug.
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Unlike Brian's rules of drugs, which is do it until you cause so many problems in your life that you have to stop to do it. I am saying that don't ruin it for everybody by being a fucking moron. Do your drugs by yourself at home late at night with the curtains drawn like everybody else in their right mind does. Please don't ruin it for everybody.
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Because when you're outside the parking lot of a Cloud 9 and you have to buy three or four tanks just to get your fill in a day, you've got a fucking problem. You need to stop for a few weeks. Pretend like you're sobering up by smoking weed or drinking alcohol like the rest of us do. And then go back and buy one at a time. One a day. One a day. Isn't that enough? Can't you say that's enough?
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Here's what I'm trying to share with you. It's idiots like you that ruin it for everybody else. And if you're going to do your galaxy gas, do it like a regular drug addict. Like my uncle said, don't fuck up while you're fucking up. And that is my PSA for today, Chrissy. Sounds good. Thank you. Giving advice to the children.
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I can't wait till my kid comes to me and he says, hey, episode 7,326 of the commercial break says if I'm going to do galaxy gas, do it in the privacy of the own home. So don't mind the tank of NO2 I've got stuffed in the closet. I'll be wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Right back.
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Welcome back to the commercial break again. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy. Holy best to you, Kristen.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You don't know it, but that's the seventh time I've said that to you in the last couple of minutes.
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Did I tell you about the time that... So, like NO2, Freon has a similar effect to your brain. Freon, the thing being... The car Freon? The car Freon, the air conditioning Freon. So, one time, a friend of mine had this wise idea that he saw or he heard... This is long before you could go on the internet and figure these things out. He figured out from somebody...
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No, no, no, no. Best to you. How we doing? We okay? Everyone recording? All right, good. Christina and everybody else learning the ropes here in the brand new studio.
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that he could get Freon from an air conditioning unit by taking a screwdriver and pressing a little nipple, and it would spray the Freon backwards. So he went out, he took a garbage bag, and he got Freon out of an apartment complex, like all the air conditioning units were lined up. So it's the middle of the day, and he's got a garbage bag hanging.
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He came back into the apartment of this girl that I lived with who I did not know. I just moved in with her like, I don't know, four weeks earlier. She was like a friend of a friend of a friend.
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Dude, this guy went everywhere with me for a while. He was trouble with a capital T and I made life no easier on him. We were trouble together with two capital T's. Double trouble. Yeah, we were the tits of trouble. And so, the right one and the left one. So, True boobs. That's what we were. We're true boobs. Men at their base nature. Just doing stupid shit for the sake of doing stupid shit.
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Impulsive was our middle name and sometimes our first name. This guy walks in the apartment. He's like, you know what? Takes a huff of the Freon and he's like...
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like spinning around his head's like he's bobbing and weaving and he almost kind of falls over and i'm like so after he comes to i'm like oh dude you almost fell over you got to be careful with that so then he's like you know i got the garbage bag i take a little bit and i go totally blank yes like my eyes go like and i'm like oh And I wake up and I'm like, that wasn't fun.
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That felt like way too much NO2. Like I was out, you know? And so now he's got the bag and he's like, you just got to do it right away. Takes a big one. He's standing up in front of one of those old televisions that's sitting on a stand, you know?
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Yeah, we're still learning. We went without a studio TV for like four days. And then Brian decided this morning at six o'clock in the morning that we probably needed to see someone we're going to talk to later on today.
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And he goes shoulder and head first into the television. The television falls and breaks. And then I'm picking him up. Now the television is cracked and broken, and I'm picking him up, and I'm like, dude, are you okay, dude? And he's like, oh, man, that was intense. And the bag, by the way, fell out of his hand. So he was like, what happened to the bag?
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Chrissy. I wasn't worried about this guy's head and the things I'd seen. Yes. And so we put the TV back on the stand, fix all this stuff, like put the books back.
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I got home that night and she was like, what happened to the TV? And I was like, unbelievable. What happened to that TV? I eventually fessed up to it. Yeah, I had to spend... The TVs back then were like $7,000 for some shitty TV, so I had to... But yeah, don't... Be careful with the NO2. It's something that you can get addicted to. Let me now be a serious adult for a second.
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Be careful with the NO2. You can get addicted to it. It's called hippie crack for a reason. It probably makes you feel like crack. Not that I've ever smoked it, but if I did, and it was like NO2, I would tell you that it's similar to crack. So don't smoke... Crack and don't do hippie crack. Okay? Okay. All right.
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Now, speaking of adult stuff, the other day we were leaving the studio, and my wife is yelling at me that there's water pouring out of our cabinets.
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I do let my pipes drip, actually. You did good. Okay. We did too. I'm pretty keen on that. That's a good thing to do. But, you know, I have this, like, when we redid the house and we renovated it, we made the pipes, most of them, all PVX, which is a plastic, like, you know, it's like PVC, but it's a different type that's supposed to expand.
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So I rushed to Best Buy, asked for a very specific television. That guy was like, you know what you want. Then tried to sell me on another television.
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don't get me started it's terrible and it happens all the time and for a couple extra bucks a month worth of dripping water you save yourself tens of thousands maybe in fixes because if it gets under your floorboards it gets into your walls everything's got to be replaced because then you have mold and all that other shit and
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Even if it dries, sometimes the structure of the house, the integrity of the home can be ruined. So the first thing I'm thinking is burst pipe. Holy shit. That's terrible. So now I'm freaking out. Girls are leaving the studio. I'm freaking out because not only because I think that there's a burst pipe in my home, but because I know what looking at the pipes entails.
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And I was like, dude, I've been through it. Can you please get me the TV? I don't have long. People are dialing in from the UK. Anyway, check out, speaking of the UK, check out Russell Howard, our guest this week. Very lovely, talented, popular comedian in the UK making his way to the United States for another round of tour dates on the West Coast.
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I was cursing your name. I'm like, fuck you. Yeah, you got to sit in Atlanta traffic, but I have to go under this scary, scary house. That's a scary, scary crawl space. It's a crawl space, not a basement. And it's a crawl space from a house that was built in like the 40s. So it's really scary down there. It is decades and decades and decades of old pipes, wires. I don't think dead children.
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But I don't want to know most of the time. I know how to change the filters on my two HVAC units. And that's about it.
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A Meaty P-Trap
That's right. You get in, you get out. I don't even look in opposite directions. I don't even look because I don't want to know. There's probably a possum down there. And he's probably mad at me because he can hear under the floorboards what I'm talking about. I've actually had, I actually had a fucking, not an Xfinity guy, a charter cable guy. Fuck you, charter cable.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Because the fucking charter cable guy, he went under the house to go, you know, make sure that the wires were installed properly. So he didn't have to like run them through the side of my house. And he comes back out and he's like, listen, dude. They're done rat poop down there. And rat poop carries Legionnaire's disease. And I ain't about to get Legionnaire's disease. So you can call my boss.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I don't give a shit. I ain't installing the cable down there. Do you remember that? And I said, fuck you, Charter. Upward and onward to AT&T. Now, listen, besides Charter just being a terrible cable system altogether. I'm sorry, but it is. I was kind of happy about this because now I could explain to Astrid that we didn't need the cheaper charter. We needed the more expensive AT&T.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
The faster internet. That's right. Yeah. Charter goes at about five megabits per minute. It's like – it was just not good. Anyway. So – Luckily, we found someone who was willing to go into the house and do this. But he was right about it. I mean, we've talked about this on the show. We had a friend, Willie the Mouse, that was in our house for a long time. That's right.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
He was scaring Astrid in the mornings because there was food misplaced.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
We had a camera that we set up to see exactly what was moving the food around our counters that night. It was Astrid who first caught on to this. She was like, there are pears on the floor. And I was like, well, maybe they just fell off. And she's like, Brian, I don't think fruit just jumps off the counter. And I was like, well, I don't know. Maybe. And so we set up a camera.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And at the time, because Nico and Blue, Nico had had some surgery and Blue kept on attacking Nico. So we put Nico in the kitchen to go to sleep with a little gate so that Blue couldn't get at Nico. Blue, you bitch. And so after a couple of nights of this happening, I thought, well, Nico's not barking. There can't be anything live in there. Nico would certainly be attuned to that.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I put a webcam up and I was recording it, a motion camera. And what I saw was the most amazing thing ever. There was a mouse, a cute little mouse, not a rat, a mouse, a cute little mouse. who was literally going into the kitchen at night, coming up from where I don't know. From the crawl space. From the crawl space. He was coming up. He had found his way in.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
All the information is in the show notes from Tuesday's episodes. We sure do hope you go watch it. I am currently watching my new favorite obsession, The Fish Tank.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
He was coming up, and he was eating food from Nico's bowl where Nico was sleeping right next to it. And Nico lifted his head up. Looked at the mouse and the mouse looked at Nico and they made a gentleman's agreement. I won't tell if you don't. And Nico went back to sleep. Nico stared that mouse in the face and thought, yeah, that should be here. It wasn't even a dog.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And to be fair, Nico really wasn't a dog. It was more like just a small child. It was in dog form. He cried about nothing. It was a weird dog. But anyway, lovely dog. The sweetest dog you could have ever had. Very sweet. And poor Nico. Blue just tortured that dog. Terrorized. Tortured that dog. Anyway, so we know that there have been rodents. Like most people, there are rodents. It happens.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yeah, it happens. The rodents are looking for warmth and food and water and all that stuff, and a house provides all that things for them. But it's been a long time since we've had the house sealed up for approval. But I went down, and I have to go to the very end of the house, the way that my house is.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yes. The way that the house is, is there's a crawlspace entrance under the new part of the house that we just built a number of years ago. And you can probably at least bend over to get in that part. But the further you go to the older part of the house, the smaller it gets until there is only a two and a half foot, two and a half foot.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
viewer it's called the fish tank it's a house somewhere in the united states of america where they give people free room and board and the catch is they are being videotaped 24 hours a day i think except for the bathrooms i don't know because i didn't actually pay to watch the site but i keep on watching their instagram there's very few people that are onto this right now but it is literally a fish tank and you are viewing crazy people living together in a crazy situation isn't that big brother
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
between the mud, the floor, the actual earth, and the rafters of the floorboards. It is very tight back there. And then you take into account the piping from 1920, the wires that the charter guy left down there. Fuck you, charter guy. The old telephone cables. I'm not even kidding. Telephone cables, gas lines. I know.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So as soon as you girls leave, I get a flashlight lantern, like one of those flashlights. I saw that. Yeah. It's this huge thing, but it puts off a lot of light because I said, if I'm going down there, I need reinforcements. I'm going to bring this big lantern. I'm going to bring an actual flashlight. I've got my phone light on. I'm recording. I'm ready for anything. Anything's possible.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And I'm ready. And I start crawling and I'm over the HVAC, you know, whatever they call that, the duck work. I'm over the duck work. And then I got to go under the duck work. I got to pass the first HVAC unit. Are you shimmying? At the end, I am shimmying. But there's a gas line that sits right there, and I know I cannot – you don't want to fuck with the gas? I don't need two problems now.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
In order to get to really see where that leak is, I can see that there's water on one of the pipes. But to see if it's actually spraying or something, I've got to go under or over that gas line, and it's right in the middle of that two and a half feet. So I went under. I put my face on the ground, and I scraped it along the side. Oh! Rat shit and all.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I just scraped my face under, and now I am in full panic claustrophobic mode.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And I am sitting under a house where the rafter is right at my nose, and I can see the pipe in between the rafter, and luckily it's not spraying. So I know that it's not a problem with the water coming in the house. It's a problem with the waste going out of the house. So it takes me about another half hour to get back to civilization.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And shimmying back is the harder part. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you get there. Yeah, but then you know what you have to do to get back. And so I'm scared and nervous and I'm like a little boy.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yes. I'm checking my phone to make sure I have bars. Astrid, by the way, has gone somewhere away from my house. She's decided I want nothing to do with this. I'll see you later, Brian. So she's gone and I'm now under the house all alone. So if there's a ghost or a monster or an alligator or, you know, I don't know, a swimming, swimming wolf wolf, then I'm not, no one's here to help me.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I have to call 911 and I'm ready. I'm prepared to call 911 and tell them exactly where I am. I get out of there and I go, OK, it's with the drainage. So let's go start fiddling fucking around with that. I don't know the first thing about anything, guys. I'm really not a very intelligent human being.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I read a lot on the Internet and I watch a lot of Instagram and I pick little bits and pieces up that make me occasionally sound intelligent. But I'm soft in the middle. If you press me, ooze comes out.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I'm as intelligent as Flavor Flay. So I go upstairs and I open the kitchen, you know, the cabinet doors, and I see that there's water down there. And I can see where it's coming from. I start doing a series of tests. Turn on the dishwasher, turn on the faucet, and I can see where it's coming from.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
It's coming from the hose that goes from your dishwasher into your disposal, which I have, which a lot of people have here in the United States at least. Mm-hmm. And that disposal, there's a drain from the disposal that goes out of the house, down under the house and then out of the house.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And then there's a little hose where the dishwasher water drains out into the disposal that then goes into that drain. If that drain is clogged and the dishwasher comes on, there's nowhere for that water to go. So it's just going to start spilling out, backing up and spilling out of wherever. It's spilling out of that hose. That's what's going on.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And then it's making its way down into the rafters of the house. It's going through the holes where the hoses come up, right? So I'm like, okay, I got this licked. I know at least know where the problem is. So I'm like, Astrid, you know, when did this start?
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I said, oh, wow, that's really weird. Maybe the disposal is clogged. I turn it off. I stick my hand down there. I can't feel anything.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And I go, meat? You put meat in the disposal? And she goes, yeah, but it was stew meat. And I go, what is stew meat?
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
It is Big Brother, only this is real crazy people. Like the Big Brother is now, I think, all celebrity crazy people. And who fucking cares? They know they're being watched. The difference is they know they're being filmed because there's cameras in the house. They don't know it's live. They know they're being filmed. They don't know it's live.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
A disposal is like a second cord on a parachute. You only use it in case you need to. That's it.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Do you know my dad, Ned, didn't even put a disposal in his brand new house? You don't want to know why? Because he says it's just a reason for things to leak. Because everybody decides that anything could go down there. There's two schools of thought on disposal, and I get it. And Astrid comes from a place where there are no disposals, so I also get it. It's not really her fault.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
She did what she thought the disposal was supposed to do, which is chop everything up and make it nice and tidy to go out the house. But that's not how it works. The pipe is only so big. And if it gets a lot of stuff stuck in there, it's going to back up. So I thought, well, yeah, it's probably the meat, babe. Probably the meat.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So now we're on our way to Chuckie fucking Cheese for one of my kids' birthdays. And now I got a full-blown emergency under my sink. I got a bunch of meat stuck in my P-trap. If you don't know what a P-trap is, look it up. I'm not going to explain it here. I'm not Tim the Toolman Taylor.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So now that I've got a half a cattle stuck in my fucking P-trap, I'm like, well, okay, I know what I need to do. I need to go get one of those thingies to stick in there. The plunger? No, I don't know.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yes, thank you. Finally, someone with common sense. An auger, a snake. I need to go get one of those snakes and the things that you can stick in there and twist around and then it pulls everything out or pushes it down or whatever, loosens it up.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yeah, you can do an electric version, but I thought if I get a 15-foot one, then I'd be fine. I could stick it down there and twist it around. You know, they make manual ones too. So we go to Chuck E. Cheese. Story to be told. We go to Chuck E. Cheese. And then afterwards I said, OK, I'm going to the Lowe's and I'm going to go get the shit that we need.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So I go and then I go, I'm really I'm going to probably stick with first breaking it up with some Drano.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I know. Well, listen, it is, but if you don't put it down there all the time, if you put it down there once in a while, you'll live to tell another day.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So I don't know how they don't know it's live, but they don't know it's live. So at least that's the catch that they say. So if you want a very interesting Instagram account to follow.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So I go, and I'm looking at all the different selections of Drano. They have drain this, grease that, do this, do that. Supercharged. Supercharged, yes. Guaranteed. Works in five minutes. Guaranteed.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
No, you don't want the regular Drano. Yeah, you don't want Drano. You want... Drain everything.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Or you're definitely getting through. You want Drain Dragon 3000. That's what you want. Trusted by professionals. Guaranteed to work in five minutes. So I get the one. There is one literally that has a plastic bag wrapped around it. And it said, please put this back in the bag when done using for safety purposes. And I don't even read it. I go, that's the one. That's the one.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
that is the one i need that i need that so i get it i get the snake i check out i go home i tell all the kids to get the fuck out of the kitchen so i don't hurt you i put the dog outside 20 degrees but whatever she deserves it and then i take this thing out of its plastic bag and i start pouring it into the kitchen sink into the disposal
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
To which it says, never use in a disposal ever. And then it also says, please put a porcelain bowl or tin pan on top of the drain after use in case of explosion. And I'm like, what is this devil that I just poured down my sink? It is liquid lye. Yeah, the same stuff my mafia uses to dissolve your fucking body is the shit that can dissolve your grease.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I've seen people getting in fights. I've seen women throwing food at men. I've seen women doing weird things to themselves, not sexual things, but weird things to themselves while apparently nobody else is. I mean, just like strange human behavior that we probably all do in some fashion. I mean, honestly.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
But you cannot put it in plastic pipes and you cannot put it inside of a disposal.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Which I just did. Done deal. So now I quickly turn on the water to flush it all out. And I decide, okay, just go with the auger. And I think, okay, it's only been in there for 30 seconds. Whatever, 30 seconds. So I take the water. I turn it on. Then I hear the water pouring out of something. And I look, and it's pouring out of the disposal. And I thought, oh, it's the pipe. It's backed up again.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
No problem. I take the P-trap off. Bye. Bye. Clean as a daisy. Everything's now flowing well. Only there's water pouring out of the bottom of the disposal.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
It burned through the rubber casing because lye, as soon as it touches any organic material, heats up to like a thousand degrees. Sets itself on fire, basically. I have caused a chemical reaction inside of my disposal and I have completely ruined it. It is draining out of the bottom of the disposal. Right next to the power wire where I'm sure water is not supposed to be.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Brian, fix the problem that Astrid started and caused his own fucking problem.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
This is like, this is the worst. And so, of course, I just continue to blame Astrid for everything. They're out the night. But the truth is I fixed one problem. I caused another. That's right. So now I've got to change my disposal out this weekend, which should be, you know, a whole dickload of fun. But I called my brother who actually knows how to do stuff.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And I said, listen, I don't need you to do it. I'm just going to buy you a six pack. Can you sit there and watch me and make sure I don't set myself on fire, cause an electricity problem or chop my hand up? Listen, I'm not the guy you call when there's a problem, like a mechanical problem or an electrical problem or a human problem or a relationship problem, problem with your brain.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I am the guy you call when you occasionally want to giggle at how stupid humans can be. I'll keep you posted on the brand new disposal. We'll talk about Chuck E. Cheese after this.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I said this a couple of weeks ago, and then I saw it on Russell's special, too, and I think this is probably coming into the collective consciousness now. Our phones are constantly recording devices, and they're taking notes, and they're reading our text messages, and we're putting everything we do on these phones or on social media. All of us are going to be arrestable at some point.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Trump's naming Sylvester Stallone and Jon Voight and somebody else as special envoy to Hollywood. Hollywood is not a country. It's a fucking zip code. What are we doing? What are we doing? I noticed he also invited all the titans of industry over to his inauguration. You know, Musk, Zuckerberg, the TikTok CEO.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
The government is bought and paid for. It is official. It is official. Expect your life to get a lot more miserable. And not just miserable, but it'll be publicly miserable. We'll know it's coming this time. It's not like everybody else who keeps it a secret. We'll know it's coming this time. Anyway, went to Chuck E. Cheese for one of my daughter's birthdays.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
All of us are going to have arrestable offenses at some point on our phones. But if you could watch... Yeah, there's another thing going wrong there. Let's just fix that now, too. What a disaster this episode is. This will be the funniest episode of Commercial Break history, guaranteed, because that's the way it always works out.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Man, the cheese is on top. And I would tell you what, there is a whole section of the internet that's just in love with the Chuck E. Cheese pizza. I agree. Really? And everybody else agrees. The pizza is good? It is fucking deliciosos.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I got to agree. I mean, listen. So we were going to do a party for my very young daughter at an age where we've learned that they will not remember and it's unlikely they even understand what's going on. But a smile on a child's face is worth a thousand bucks. So you do what you do. We've always done big blowout parties on birthdays.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Unlike my own existence, my own upbringing, where birthdays were barely even recognized. And that's okay. It was a different time back in the 60s. We had big parties in the 60s. You did? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We just grew up in a different type of family. Yeah, we had big parties. We really didn't have big celebrations. It wasn't like a birthday week.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
It was more like a birthday minute where you woke up and it was like, happy birthday. Yeah, we'll have cake later.
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A Meaty P-Trap
Yeah, I know. I feel jealous of the people who really enjoy celebrating their birthday because I don't. And Astrid hates it every year. I know I'm a miserable, sad sack of shit, and I've talked about it so many times on this show. My happy birthday is being miserable for my birthday. That's how I get all hyped up for it.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yeah, I know. But I love making a big deal out of other people's birthdays. I love my kids' birthday. I love my wife's birthday. I do my best. Given the circumstances. Given all my PTSD, I do the best I can. So we're going to have a little family get-together this time for this young girl's birthday because we don't want to spend $10,000 doing a big blowout.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And we've learned some things over the years, and that is they don't remember them, they likely don't even understand what's going on, and they still want to go to bed at 6.30 in the evening. But the snowstorm hampered that party. So we quickly, Astrid, not we, come on. Astrid. I don't want to get pivoted.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
She thought quickly on her feet and she decided, why don't we do for like a couple of bucks, some discounted weekday price. We can do a Chuck E. Cheese party, invite just a couple of young kids that she likes to play with and some of the other kids, young friends.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And then we can wear them out for two hours, go from four to six, have some pizza, bring a cake, decorate the table nice, and everyone will love it. And at least then we know she's going to have a good time. Yeah. And I thought, this is a brilliant idea. Let's do this. So we do it. So we reserve the spot, put down 50 bucks, unlimited gameplay. Do whatever you want. You got the wolf package?
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
We got the cheese. We got the e-cheese. Yeah, we got the sleazy e-cheese. The easy e-cheese package, baby. One of those cards that doesn't stop. You just go, go, go. Just press it and it just goes. And we've been to other birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese that are like this. And it's a lot of fun because the kids just go do whatever the fuck they want.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
But, you know, if someone could record me 24 hours a day, I don't think anybody would like me. I just don't. I do weird shit all the time. I'm constantly walking around doing weird shit. If you got the version of me that Astrid gets, you wouldn't like me either. That's all I got to say. Astrid feels obligated to stay with me because she knows I'll fall apart if she leaves me. I'll just be a...
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
They don't have to worry about tokens or I don't have to worry about spending $10 every five minutes. Daddy, I don't have any more points. What were you doing? The claw. You can't do the claw. You don't know the claw. As adults, adults do the claw. See that 49-year-old over there? Trying to make a living selling claw-related shit on eBay. Yeah. He is a L-O-S-E-R. But that's okay.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
He's got the easy sleaze package, easy cheese package. So we go and we pull up 15, 20 minutes early to this party. There is one car in the parking lot. And by the looks of the car, it's the manager of the Chuck E. Cheese. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I know. I already know. I know where it's parked. I know what kind of car it is. I'm like, that's amazing. We had the run of the mill.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
It's after a snow day. It's a school night. It's 4 o'clock. No one's going to be there. That's fun. And no one was there, not another living soul, except for the manager of the Chuck E. Cheese, who, God bless his extraordinarily nice heart, took a long time to check us in. And, you know, he was a very chatty fellow.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
He let me know that he'd been with the company for 29 years since he was 16 years old. He'd been with the company. He loves the cheese. He loves the cheese. I don't want to knock a working man because a working woman or man is a working woman or man. There's lots of different jobs out there. And as long as you're working, that's it. Who fucking cares what you do at the end of the day?
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
But man, 29 years listening to the Chuck E. Cheese theme song over and over again, dealing with small children. It's a special kind of person. So the second that we get checked in, he's already trying to upsell me on shit, right? He's like, you want to go in the bouncy house?
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
The bouncy house, by the way, is one small trampoline connected to another small trampoline that has a big gate, like a cage around it. And you can only go in there if you have a certain wristband. So I said, well, how much is it? And he goes, well, with your special package, you can have it for a discount at $5. And I go, okay, get the kids socks. They have to wear special socks in there.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Then he says, okay, you guys pre-ordered two large pizzas. Is that what you want? What time do you want it out? And I said, two large pizzas? There's like 10 adults coming and seven children. We better up that to three large pizzas. Make it four large pizzas. And he goes, I'll extra large it for an extra $7 a piece. And I said, yes.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
So now our extraordinarily inexpensive Chuck E. Cheese venture is already costing me hundreds and hundreds of dollars. But I don't want people to go hungry.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yes. So, yeah, I mean, if you're cheap at the cheese, people are going to know. Exactly. If you're splitting a personal pan pizza between 10 adults, they're going to know. They're going to go, hey, B, you want me to chip in? And if you ask people to chip in at the cheese, things aren't going so well for you. I thought that podcast was doing okay. Aren't you guys on the charts or something?
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yeah, that doesn't equal money. I'll tell you that much right now. So I say, no, no, no, no, no. Big spenders here. Let me break out that Chime credit card that gives you $300 before payday. Diners Club. Yeah, Diners Club. That's right. Diners Club. Not Capital One, Capital Two. Because that's where the important people bank, at Capital Two. So I said, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go extra large.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Let's do a couple peps and a couple cheeses. And I mean peps, I mean pepperonis. People who are into the pizza world know that.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yeah, give me a couple peps plus and then give me the cheese. And don't give me any of that uncooked pepperoni. I want those nice, you know. Crispy. Crispy peps. That's what I need. Crispy peps right on my cheeses. Get the chef out here is what I want. And by the way, at one point during the check-in process, the chef, There was a chef. Middle Eastern guy, very old, probably in his early 80s.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
A drunken, disorderly mess. Yes, I'll be one big reason to call the cops. That's what it'll be. And the children certainly aren't going with me. No judge in their right mind is going to look at the commercial break and go, yeah, they should be with him. He eats cream and cereal for breakfast. The guy knows how many drugs the guy has done. Yeah, exactly.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
And he was so nice, even though he did not speak a lick of English. He was so nice. I mean, he speak a little bit of English. And he was like, he was like, you know, came up and he shook my hand and he goes, you need anything? Shit. Like that. I love this. He was so cute. I wanted to give the guy a hug. He's wearing gloves and a hairnet. I loved him. He was the best.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
I thought, okay, if you're microwaving my pizza, I'm good with you, right? Whatever's going on back there. However you guys create those pizzas. So I get everybody the wristbands, the socks, the things, and everyone's going wild. The kids are going crazy. It's just a lovely time.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
You know, it's hard to have so many kids at a Chuck E. Cheese because they all want to play something with you and they need help.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
You know, one of my daughters is on the motorcycles for adults that go back and forth, but she's stuck on it. And it just keeps swinging back and forth. And she's screaming bloody murder. But there's so many other kids that I have to pay attention to that I don't notice for like four minutes that she's like just stuck on this motorcycle. That's right. And the birthday girl likes the carousel.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Yes, she keeps on asking for more and more and more. She spent the entire afternoon on that thing. So then, you know, whatever it is, 4.50, I said, I winked to my guy back in the kitchen. I go, dink, time for pizza. And man, he came out, he was so proud of those pizzas, and they were fucking delicious. I mean, so good. He got cups and plates and glasses. Oh, let me tell you something, too.
The Commercial Break
A Meaty P-Trap
Not only did I have to pay extra for the socks, but then... The guy, I go, what about the drinks? And the guy goes, oh, well, you could get drinks. Like we have the soda found $2.99 for the cups and then you get all you want. And I say, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me get like 13, 14 of those things. So I paid an extra $70 for drinks.
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And what he failed to tell me was that the drinks came with the birthday package. What? By the time I'd already used the, I'd already sucked up a bunch of soda by then. And I was like, fuck. Anywho, pizza's coming out. Everybody's having a great time. My little girl is having, she's just like in shit heaven. She just loves it. She's having so much fun. So many smiles on her face. I loved it.
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And then it was time. The big moment arrived. And they told me this was going to happen. 5.15. Chuck comes out. Chuck is going to make an appearance. He's going to come say happy birthday, do a little dance party.
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The man, the myth, the mouse, Chuck E. Cheese comes out, which I'm pretty sure was just the manager in a mouse hat. Actually, I know it was because he had the same shoes on. But anyway, okay, all right, whatever. So he comes out. And my daughter was frozen in fear.
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Frozen in fear. All my other kids were doing the dance party with him. And my daughter just, she was on the corner of the dance floor and she kept taking one step back without moving. She kept taking one step back, one step back. And so I noticed that and I went up and, you know, to make sure that she remembers this in therapy sessions later on in life.
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I think it's that they don't move their mouths. I think that's probably the scariest part is that they're talking, but there's no mouth moving, you know? Because there's a loudspeaker. He's doing this dance. Hey, you know, hey, cheeseheads. Oh, and by the way, one of the characters, they don't do the characters anymore, the dancing characters, the animatronics. It's just all on a video screen.
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And he doesn't have a straight thought to save his life. Plus, I'm pretty sure that studio is a fire hazard of epic proportions because it is for sure. Anyway, new studio on the TV looks nice. I like that. I think we look better on this TV than we did on the other TV. This one's in actual 4K. I think the other one was just pretend 4K.
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But there's a whole five minutes dedicated to a character called Munch the Mouse, which, you know, and he kept on saying, who wants to be a part of the munch pack? Munch, munch, munch. Who wants to munch with me? And I thought, eh. know I'm a little bit older than these kids. But the munch pack, I don't know. I had a hard time with that one. I thought this seems overtly sexual to me.
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Who wants to be a part of the munch pack? I do, but I'm 48 and I don't know what it means to you, munch mouse, whatever your name is. So my daughter's backing up. So to make sure that she knows that I care about her, I walked up, I kneeled down and I said, hey, listen, It's just pretend. If you want to say hello, you can say hello. And so I picked her up, and she put her head on my shoulders.
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Then she turned around. She looked at the – and I thought, this is it. She's ready. She's ready for this. And I started walking up to the mouse. And the closer – here's what happened. It was like a siren. I walked up. Ah!
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I walked back it's like she had like a little like I don't like a little magnetic device in her brain and the closer I got the closer the more the magnet electrified it was really really strange but all's well that ends well because Chucky tried to keep coming to her to give her a handshake and finally I had to tell I said hey Chuck hey leave her alone back off I said I think it's enough with Chucky that's what I said I think it's enough with Chucky
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And he goes like this in his big mouse hand. He gave me the thumbs up. So, you know, we had cake. We had fun. And then the most miserable part about any Chuck E. Cheese experience, Dave and Buster's, Andretti's, you know the places. Great Wolf Lodge. The most miserable part about any of these arcade-based point systems where you get tickets or tokens or tickets, whatever the fuck it is.
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is that you have to then try and tell your children how that big stuffed animal costs 7,800 tokens and you have four. Four. We paid $700 for that card and you only have four tokens. You cannot get the 7,000. See that 49-year-old over there at the claw? It's going to take him a year to get that stuffed animal. He's going to try and sell it for $100 on eBay because that's what he does for a living.
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Daddy talks on a microphone. You make the call. Whatever you want to do. Or manager at Chuck E. Cheese. Whatever you want to do, kid. But you do not have enough tokens for that. And they all throw big fucking hissy fits. And I'm like, I'm turning you all into little spoiled shitheads. Why do you think you deserve that? You didn't do anything. All those skee-ball tickets were mine.
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Remember for a while there, they kept saying, you know, coming soon, 4K capabilities. But then when 4K came, my TV didn't change. It just got weirder. Like the TV looked weirder. It looked like we were... You know, like an old video camera or something. Do you know that one?
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By the way, I did play a lot of skee-ball. I love skee-ball. I was rigging the skee-ball. I love skee-ball. Skee-ball is so much fun. It is. And I'm so good at it. I can get in the middle almost every time. If I get into a rhythm.
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Me too. Yeah. It's exactly what you do. That's the only way to do it.
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And it's like the real skee-ball thing. And by the way, I took one of my kids' cards for like a long time and they kept on tugging on me like, can I have my card back? And I was like, no, I'm getting you tokens. Daddy's in the middle of something. Daddy's in the middle of something. Yeah. By the way, I love how I'm – and then I watched – my twin brother was there with his fiancee, Carrie Ann.
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And I loved it. They were playing with the kids and having fun. But at some point they checked out and then they were running around doing video games together. And I was like, and I, first of all, where'd you guys get the card? I know you took it from one of the kids. And second of all, Hey, what the fuck? This is for the kids, not for you.
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But I couldn't yell at him too much because you know what? I do love the games too.
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So anyone, anyway, everybody had enough for a rubber bouncy ball that I quickly threw away as soon as we got home. And that's my day at Chuck E. Cheese. Fuck you.
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Oh, the chef came out. He was like going home for the day or something. And he's like, everything good for everyone. Good birthday. And I like, I just wanted to give him a hug.
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I was like, you're so good. Everybody at Chuck E. Cheese was lovely, by the way. Lovely.
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Do you know? The manager told me when I got there, he said, you got the place to yourself at least till 530. He goes, but then there's another birthday over there. He pointed and then he goes, and that birthday right there is for a 46-year-old man.
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And I said, well, we want to be out of here by then. What time does that guy come? Yeah. And they always put stamps on your hand, like with the same party gets the same stamp, so you have to check. But they never check.
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No. You got to keep a close eye on your kids. No one's going to watch your kids like you do. That's right. That's all I got to say. All right. Check out Russell Howard's brand new special available on his website. We'll ask Christina to put the link in the show notes. You're the best. He's also on tour, got lots of stuff on YouTube, his social media.
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He's a really, really nice guy and extraordinarily funny. He's a really good satirist. Satirist? Is that what you call him? Satirist?
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Satirist? Tomato, tomato. If you want more information, go read the New York... I'm going to read that article. Yeah, I'll send it to you. It's really fascinating, actually. It's really fascinating. Two enterprising young men found a way to get everybody hooked on NO2. Locally. Isn't that how it always happens, though? Yeah. And also, if you would, please go to our website, tcbpodcast.com.
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Yeah. And I couldn't get my, they couldn't get that TV off it. So anyway, so here we are with our new TV in the studio and finally we're recording. So you're hearing actually what we're doing. There you go. So speaking of drugs and a hot mess. I read the most interesting article the other day, and it hit very close to home because it's very close to home. Let me explain.
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All the information about Chrissy and more facts and information that you could ever want about Chrissy and I. All the audio, all the video. Plus, you can get your free TCB swag. Go to the Contact Us button. Drop down menu says, I want my free sticker. Give us your address and away it will go. Please do follow us on social media. There's more of you now than there ever was before.
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But I'm not sure what that means. I don't know that you listen to the show. At The Commercial Break on Instagram. TCB Podcast on TikTok. And now all episodes available. YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. And as Astrid points out, you'll want to see the new studio. Please do that. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We would appreciate it.
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I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I do say, we will say, and we must say, goodbye.
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The New York magazine wrote a very lengthy article on the new drug craze sweeping the nation, what they called the next drug epidemic. And the title was something along the lines of the next drug epidemic comes in blueberry flavor.
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Yes. And the new drug epidemic they were talking about is something called galaxy gas. Galaxy gas is just nitrous oxide. Nitrous oxide, the laughing gas that you get at the dentist's office that keeps you from going literally crazy as they're drilling a hole in your fucking head.
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Or outside of a Grateful Dead show or any fish show or goose show. You know how it goes if you've been there. That's the noise you hear.
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Twenty dollar balloons. And then there's some huge line. By otherwise seemingly regular adults. looking to get their fix like they were a child hooked up to the nitrous tank. Because listen, we all go to the dentist at some point. Even my son got it. My son, he got a cavity filled, very young kid. And the doctor said, should I apply nitrous?
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And I said, yes, you should, because that's the only way you're going to get that kid to sit still while you have a drill in his mouth. I know my child. And I also know nitrous oxide. And while I don't want to give my kid used to the idea of being high. I also don't want the kid to suffer. Yeah, like let him doze off. And man, did he. He was saying some wacky shit.
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Yeah, like Little Mermaid was on that TV up there or something. And he was like, you know, before they actually came in to do the procedure, he was like, Daddy, do you think fish can fly? Daddy, why do I sound so weird? Talking in like riddles. And I thought, wow, my kid is much more fun on Galaxy Gas. Here's the thing, though.
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That NO2 is also used in a specific product called Whip It or Whip Cream. Okay? Whip It is owned by a company that will also sell you that gas and In a container, small little metal container called an NO2 cartridge, or what some people on the street, like me, would refer to back in the day as a whippet.
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Yes, and you could go to your local head shop and you could get a pack of those whippets. They were just one hit. right? And you could buy like, it were like $5 a piece. So you'd spend $180 to get 20 of these things. Then you have to buy the accoutrements to crack them open and put them into a balloon.
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Because if you try to do it straight in your mouth, then your mouth would freeze and your teeth would fall out. So, You don't want that. You just want your brain to freeze. You don't want your teeth to freeze. You want your brain to freeze. And that's what it does.
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It is essentially starving your brain of oxygen, which then gives you a certain kind of wah-wah-wah feeling, like you're high, you're floaty, you're leaving your body. You've been to the dentist. You know what I'm talking about. Imagine that times 10, and that's what a Whippet does in a very small dose.
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So here's the story. There is a place not too far from where I live. There are many of these, so don't try and Google it to figure out where I live. But there is a place not too far from where I live and very popular here in Georgia and now throughout the country called Cloud 9. Cloud 9 is a head shop, a head shop that sells smoking devices for your tobacco.
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like a 15 foot bong, why you would want to smoke your tobacco out of a 15. You know how you walk into one of these head shops and they start telling you not to say anything that would make it seem like you were doing anything illegal. It's like the rules of the head shop. You don't say we have any weed smoking devices. You say, do you have a tobacco smoking device?
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That's 15 feet long that I can get shit faced with. Crack pipes, lighters that have flames that are way too big, you know, patchouli. Tapestries. Yes, tapestries. That's right. Tie-dye t-shirts, grateful dead skulls, all kind of incenses, probably kratom, the opioid receptor drug. Stuff that you chew or smoke or drink in the tea or whatever. The dick pills.
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Oh, I am definitely in that store. All kind of shit that a regular adult grocery store refuses to sell, not because they can't make money, but because grannies and grandpas won't like the fact that their bong is sitting next to Pert Plus. Do you understand what I'm saying? Okay, now you got me. They're on every corner, in every town, everywhere. It's a head shop.
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The head shop, Cloud9, is owned by a couple of young enterprising guys, brothers, who went to Kennesaw State University. They found that during the pandemic, people were coming in in droves looking for whippets, and they could not keep them in stock.
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So they did some homework to find out exactly who owned this market and how the gas got here and who was making the containers and how all of that stuff worked and the legality of selling NO2 directly to a consumer. And what they discovered was the largest producers of Whippets were the whipped cream company, Whippets. So the same company...
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that sells you the stuff that makes your apple pie delicious on Thanksgiving is the same company that's selling your teenagers the shit that's getting high after a Grateful Dead show. Now, it's long been known that there is something called the hippie crack mafia.
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If you're into this kind of thing, then you will know that at fish shows, Grateful Dead shows, widespread shows, jam land production shows. That's right. Minus that one fashion show we did where I said no whippets allowed this time. No whippets. That people would be somehow getting huge containers like medical grade NO2, the stuff you would see at a dentist office.
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They would be getting these huge bottles that were like, you know, four feet tall. And they were balloon after balloon, filling up balloons and selling them for $5. It was always curious to me, how did they get a hold of that container of NO2? Do they have a dad that's a dentist?
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Apparently, you used to have to have some kind of medical license or at least convince somebody that you had a medical license in order to get those. And the hippie crack mafia, there was a big expose on them a number of years back, was just faking that they had a medical connection.
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And they were getting like hundreds of these bottles at a time and spanning out across the United States, although they claimed it was never a racket. It probably was a racket. It was probably a guy who was selling these other people would then go out and sell them individually, just like drugs, any other drug.
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Well, the guys at Cloud9 figured out that they could call China and they could have this gas delivered directly to the United States without any kind of permit. Really? And it was legal as long as they delivered the gas safely. It was more about how they got the gas contained than it was whether or not they could sell it to people.
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And they figured out how to get people to cheaply make containers that were much bigger than the single-dose Whippets And they could flavor that gas, and then they could sell it in their stores. And man, did they.
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Millions and millions of dollars. Millions and millions of dollars worth of Galaxy gas. They branded it Galaxy gas. So they were buying it from China. They were filling it up in containers. They were delivering them across the United States, and they were expanding huge. Now these stores are everywhere, these Cloud9 stores. And people were coming in and buying stuff.
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something that would give you maybe 200 doses, 300 doses of this galaxy gas.
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Yeah, it's like two or three feet, the biggest ones, right? And they're $120. So rather than pay $5 for one Whippet, now you were paying like $120 for 300 Whippets. So they were making it cheaper, they were making it more flavorful, and they were making the delivery devices more accessible to everybody.
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And what they found, what the managers of the stores found, is that people sometimes weren't even leaving the parking lot before they were running out of one bottle and going to buy another. They were maxing out their credit cards.
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Of course. Driving on Galaxy Gas? I couldn't even imagine driving.
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Within 20 minutes, that's why the dentist makes you sit there for 15 minutes with pure oxygen afterwards to get your head clear. And that is a relatively low dose of NO2. They are mixing like 10% gas with 90% oxygen. Maybe 20% if your dentist likes you. You know what I'm saying?
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Chrissy, this was crazy to me, the stories that some of these managers were telling inside of this article about how addicted normal human beings, teenagers, 20-somethings, they were ruining their life trying to get a hold of Galaxy Gas. It was so popular that they couldn't keep it in stock.
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And the manager, the owners of these stores kept pressing and pressing, sell the Galaxy Gas, sell it, sell it, sell it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And the owners told the managers, don't get the police involved. Whatever you do, don't get the police involved. Even one time when there was an armed robbery, they said, don't get the police involved. This is an internal thing. Yeah, because they knew. Yeah.
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Eddie Vedder's got a unique voice. I thought, oh, he's just trying to rip him off, just like Scott Stapp, just like the next Candlebox, just like the next guy. But when we got in that theater and he was so rock and roll it wasn't even funny, I was like, oh, no, this guy's not Eddie Vedder. This guy is his own thing, and he's really good at what he does.
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The Tabernacle's a beautiful place to see a show.
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We get to the place a little bit early, grab our tickets, you know, old-style box office go, grab an actual ticket, like an actual ticket, which is amazing. I haven't held a ticket in my hands in years. And we go in and we go downstairs to the Tabernacle Bar, which is underneath the actual venue.
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So you walk in and then you can go up the stairs or down the stairs, go up to the venue, down to the bar, you go down to the bar. And in the back, it says $20 off. uh, uh, what do you grind?
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Well, I thought, well, if there's a t-shirt or an album or something, I'll buy it. Cause I didn't pay for the tickets. Let me support Ari in some way, shape or form.
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But there was no merch hanging on the wall, but it said $20 Venmo at Ari Shafir. And I thought to myself, he really just put his actual Venmo out there. Like his personal Venmo out there. Yes, it was his personal Venmo. And it said, Grindr. So Raphael, being Raphael, thought, oh, he's selling mushrooms. That's what it is. There's mushrooms. We can go buy mushrooms.
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So we thought, oh, let's go buy some mushrooms. Is he really selling mushrooms? Okay, let's go buy some. He told stories about drugs and stuff like that on our show. And I know he's told plenty of other stories about doing hallucinogens. Yeah. So I thought, well, maybe he's just ballsy enough to get someone to stand there and actually sell mushrooms.
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But I was disappointed to find there was no mushrooms. But what it was was a small, like, plastic grinder with his face on it, kind of in that, like, Grateful Dead red-blue coloring. And then on the back, he had signed every one of them. There was just, like, a bunch of grinders for sale. 20 bucks.
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So I bought two of them, and then I crushed up my cocaine, and there we go. On went the night.
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My one time a year. My one time a year I took a drag of a cigarette was at the Ari show. And I quickly put it out. I was like, oh, no, no.
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I think it every time. Every time that someone lights up a cigarette around me, that smell gets me. And I'm like, oh, I'd love a drag. And I resist 364 days of the year. But there's one of three places where it gets me. At a concert. in Las Vegas, or in Europe. One of those three things. And I'll even tell Astrid, I'll be like, let me have a cigarette. And she doesn't care. She doesn't control me.
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She's like, okay, whatever. You want to have a cigarette? Have a cigarette. But every time I light up a fucking cigarette, I put it right the goddamn out because I can't take it. It's gross. It's just gross. The taste, the smell. I don't know. I almost feel drunk after. You know what I'm saying? Like there's some weird sensation that comes over me. I think that because...
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Drugs, alcohol and cigarettes were so intertwined in my brain for so long that now when I smoke a cigarette, I get taken back to some place. It's like I'm having a flashback of some sort of me on a floor writhing in anxiety from a long night of cocaine. You know what I'm saying? It's a weird place. It's a weird place that I go.
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So we go upstairs and we all go sit down at these lovely seats that Ari has gotten us. And it's a good crowd. It's a good mix of human beings.
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I know, Chrissy. I couldn't take it. I was like, dude. I know you can't really help the way that you laugh. It's like the way that you sneeze. It's one of those things that just grows on you over time. And some might say I have an obnoxiously high, weird laugh. But I do have to say, the guy sitting next to you, he sounded like a horse. He did.
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I thought to myself the same thing. I was like, is he doing that for effect or is that like, is this a... Then I thought, was he paid? Yeah, me too. I was like, are we, is Ari taping this and he needs someone to be uproariously laughing or... What's going on?
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Okay, dude, we get it. It's funny. We know. But it was, it was funny.
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I had a good laugh. Every minute or so, I had a belly laugh. And yeah, he... Tina came with us. Tina came with us. Tina was there. Some people have written in and said, why isn't Tina on the last few episodes? Tina was always here as in between. She was a stopgap measure. We... Christina was here for a long time. Christina moved on. Tina is always going to be a part of the show.
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She helps write some stuff. She helps with content ideas and guest interviews and all that other stuff. So Tina was here physically in the studio because I had set up the studio in such a way that I could not conveniently do it myself. So, you know, Brian, with all his forethought, can't actually get to the things I need to get to in order to make the show work. So now I've bought more equipment.
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We have more wires. And now I'm able to do it by myself. So Tina will be in here. We will check in with Tina soon. Don't worry. So I know that there's a lot of upheaval going on at the commercial break and everyone's all worried about it. Don't worry. It's, you know, it's back to Chrissy and I. Everything's fine. Astrid's still here. Tina's still here. Other people are still here. You're here.
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Oh, Gustavo's here. Yeah, Gustavo was just on the phone with Astrid. Gustavo! You know, if Gustavo, as long as Gustavo is allowed to stay in the country, I think we're all OK. We don't know. And the Venezuelans are very much up in the air right now. Last time Trump was in office, the Venezuelans were heroes to him. And, you know, he loved them and he was protecting them.
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And, you know, you're welcome here. And we're giving out all these visas to make sure that the Venezuelans don't get, you know, killed by Maduro. And now it's the opposite. Now he hates the Venezuelans. Now the Venezuelans need to leave. And So we'll see. It's a very unsettling time to be a Venezuelan or to love a Venezuelan, to have a Venezuelan family member. It's a very unsettling time.
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Now, of course, Astrid is a citizen, so I don't expect... that anything bad would happen. But we just don't know. I mean, you know, it's a weird, weird time to be an American right now. And let's hope that, I don't know, there's some sense of normalcy or calm that starts to come over this White House so that we can all get about the business of having a good economy,
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Feeding our families and not having to worry about the next dramatic thing. Anyway, that's that. Anyway, to put a point on this, Ari was hilarious. You need to go see him if he comes around. He is.
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So good. So good. So thanks to Ari Shaffir one more time for giving us those tickets. And Aaron Weber, who we haven't seen live yet, but maybe we will. You know who's coming in town I want to go see? Who? Kelsey. Kelsey's going to be in town next week, I think.
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Yeah, let's go. So, Kelsey, send those tickets over to Brian at... No, I don't expect free tickets. And maybe we will go see Kelsey. You never know. We're a wily group. We're out and about all the time.
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I mean, Saturday night, that was just one of many nights that I have been out in the last 10 years. That's one of six nights I have been out in the last decade. That's right.
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Two nights in a month. It's crazy. The only thing that was missing on Saturday was Astrid. I know. That's the only thing that was missing. Damn it. It's hard to find a babysitter for three kids.
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And then you have to trust the babysitter.
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That's right. And they have to be willing to stay with the babysitter. Because we could have very well just, you know, there was a couple extra ideas we had about who could babysit. But you're right about that, is that we don't know how the kids are going to react. And to have them come all the way over here to then 15 minutes later say, well, we don't need you.
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I don't think this is going to work out, which has happened before. Because you can't leave your kids with someone when they're screaming bloody murder. You got to trust that they know. I know.
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Well, they do like you. So at least you got one foot forward from some other people.
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Okay. All right. Well, let's do this. We'll talk about babysitting over the break. And then when we come back, we'll talk about stuff you care about. Okay. All right. We'll be back.
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It's cold, but there's a tent with heaters. It's a little rainy. Yeah, band playing. I happen to know the guy who's playing. Anyway, it's a whole fucking shit show over there. And we get right to it. We get right to work, as you do when you're in radio promotions. You drink and act like a fool.
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Did you know that there's only one kind of dog that's allowed in Greenland and it's a Greenland dog? I did not notice. A Greenland shepherd dog or something like that? Greenland hound or something like that.
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So, you know, when Papi Liao was here, we were sharing our love of these people who sail across the ocean by themselves or with another person for no good reason except to show the rest of us that things can be done. Actual things can be done when given a chance. A little bit of motivation and a lot of effort.
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But I love watching these videos about these people who just like, you know, sail across oceans. Or there's a whole family. And now I'm stuck in this loop of this family.
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You've seen The Family. It's like, there's a couple of them that do this. But this one I'm watching, it's like a dad, a mom, and like three teenagers. Two boys and a girl. And sometimes they have their friends with them. And they have this really big boat. Like, it's a really big boat. It's got like rooms downstairs and stuff like that. But it's a sailing boat.
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And they are sailing to some wild places. I mean, like... Israel, like they're going in the Red Sea and stopping in Iraq and wherever these places are. There's crazy places. Yeah. And they really do it. I mean, they go to the Caribbean, they go everywhere. And so somehow stuck in this loop of watching these videos, I start getting served up these other videos.
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And one of them is my girlfriend and I iced in for the winter, wintered in. And I was like, oh, what is that? Wintered in. What does that mean? What that means is they live in Greenland. They go up to the Arctic Circle. They find themselves a nice like fjord, like a like a calm, nice, nice fjord.
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And they stick themselves as far in that fjord as they can get where the water stays relatively calm and the tide doesn't shift too much. And they wait for the ice to ice them in. And then they spend the winter there. On a boat, like a two-person sailing boat with one room. Like we're talking like sleeping on a hammock type of thing. Food. And that's it.
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And then they just, they winterize the boat. They let the ice come. They just stay iced in for the entire winter. Which is fucking insane. It is fucking insane. And the only protection they have.
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They just look cold. The whole thing looks cold. You're right about this. You get cold just watching the video. You don't even have to be there to feel cold because these people are in a constant state of cold. They're surrounded by ice. It's like minus 13 degrees at any given time, even during the day.
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You got to make sure that everyone is having a good time. You got to make sure that when you leave, they know that 94.9 The Bull, they party hard there. They believe in the products they're selling.
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And they just sit there and read and do work on the Internet and look for the bad weather that's going to come and cause problems for them. It just seems like a miserable existence. Right. But they're all excited because they're getting away from everybody. They're like, oh, it's so excited to get away from it. You live in Greenland. You're already away from everybody.
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It's not like there's like a population.
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They ice in for the winter. No, not in a warm. I mean, I guess if you consider the boat a warm place. But, you know, they got 50,000 gallons of diesel and this is the weirdest thing. They ice in, then they throw a bunch of stuff off the boat to make sure that the boat sits as high up in the water as possible.
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And then they go and they bury it out somewhere on the ice or in the snow for a later date. Food, rations, emergency kits, communicators in case they get into trouble and a bunch of fuel. And then they just run the generator to have heat and electricity and stuff like that. And their satellite, their fucking Starlink or messing up the sky or whatever it is.
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So I'm watching this whole video. It's like two hours long. It's their first. They're going to go and do this. And so they're getting the boat ready. They're getting all these things ready. And they decide we need two things for protection because we're really in the middle of nowhere. So there's going to be nothing. There's no human beings. There's no roads. There's no nothing.
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But what there is is polar bears and ice foxes and stuff like that. That's all that lives up there. Polar bears. Now, I don't know because I never met a polar bear, but I've seen them at the zoo and they're rather intimidating creatures. They're huge.
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And they're known to kill people because they don't give a shit. They are apex predators. And if you're fucking around and they're territorial too.
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Right. So they get two things. They get a gun and they get a dog. But they have to go to another part of the tundra to go look for a dog. And all these dogs are living outside in this snow and ice. They're not inside dogs. They're outside dogs. And they grab a dog and put him on the boat and try and train him to go pee-pee-poo-poo other places. And he's this huge dog.
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And he's living on this tiny boat just sitting there while they're sailing through the waters. But in all this conversation... They explain that in Greenland, there are no other breeds of dogs that are allowed except for service animals that have been registered and approved by the government. That's it.
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So like I would imagine they probably have like drug sniffing German shepherds or something like that. You know, dogs that find people when they're lost or whatever, but not many. And so I did my homework, and it's true. In Greenland, they only have one kind of dog, and that dog serves a real purpose. It either gets you from point A to B because it's a sled dog. It has a couple purposes.
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Number two, it scares away the polar bears or lets you know that one's coming. And number three, it keeps you warm and protected, right? It's a real purposeful dog, and they don't bark. And so here I am. eating my cream and cereal, watching my video on being iced in for the entire winter was making me feel lonely just watching it. And I'm watching these two amazing human beings do amazing things.
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And I'm looking at this dog and it's just sitting there on the boat like this while they're floating through the ice, trying to find a good place to land. And this dog is just as like a pretty as a princess, just sitting there and only gets excited when he thinks, The dog thinks, number one, now I'm going to get to get off the boat and go take a nice run. Or number two, there's impending doom.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Odley. Best to you, Chris.
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Like there's danger. Even when there's drama going on with the boat, like, oh my gosh, you know, the ice broke up and now we got to reposition and we could get swept away and all this. And everyone, all the humans are excited. The dog is just sitting there quiet as a mouse. It's not that it doesn't care.
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It knows instinctively that I don't need to add to this drama because everybody's already excited anyway. How did I get the opposite of whatever that is? Because I could fart and my dogs bark for a half an hour as if the world has ended, as if there's a criminal coming inside the house to take my children away. This dog is the opposite of whatever that Greenland dog is.
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Those dogs have been bred for purpose and they care about their owners and they want them to be nice and calm. And all I'm doing is causing myself a panic attack every 15 minutes because Blue won't shut up. Won't shut up. There's storms over the weekend. I'm up. I get home from the Ari show.
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When I was a kid, my dad, you know, he was a dad of a certain generation. So maybe he wasn't Mr. Fluffy lovable all the time or any of the time. But he was a man who protected the house.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us. Hope you survived the St. Patrick's Day melee, although Monday, St. Patrick's Day, certainly helps keep things in check. Does it? No, because I remember a Monday, St.
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And he took care of his family. That's what he did. And he did it very economically. Not a lot of words, not a lot of hugs, not a lot of I'm proud of yous, I love yous. I am the exact opposite of whatever that is. I am always doting over my children. I love you. I'm proud of you. Let me help you with that. I got this. You know, maybe sometimes a little bit too much, even helicopter-y sometimes.
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But I picked up from my father that need and want to protect the family and make sure that they're fed. That's why the commercial break, guys. That's why the commercial break. That's why six years of the commercial break.
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Yeah. I'm just hoping it actually starts feeding the family someday soon.
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But I feel this real sense of obligation. Like when I remember when the storms would come to Atlanta, my dad had the weather radio, which is what you had back then, the police scanner.
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And he would stay up in his office and he would turn that on. He would monitor. And on a couple of occasions, he said, let's get down in the basement. Right. Because tornadoes are very real here in Georgia and they do happen. So I picked that up from my father, that need, that want to protect the family. So I get home from Ari on Saturday night. Everyone is sleeping, snug as a bug in a rug.
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Everyone's in the same room because Astrid said, I'm putting everyone in the room. Actually, when I got home, there were like shoes outside in the hallway. Like she was ready if something went down before I got home. But now I'm home and Astrid greeted me and then she went right to bed. She's like, okay, he's got it now, right? It's his shift. So I'm up.
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I'm watching the never-ending news coverage.
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You know, Channel 5, Channel 2, David Chandler here. You know, we have a severe weather. Get down in your basement now. It's impending doom now. You know, Daytona in five minutes and City Central in three minutes. And be careful. And here's all the, you know, open a window and keep your weather radio on and all this other stuff.
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Like the dramatic news coverage, 24-hour news coverage. So I've got it on my phone and I'm watching it. And I'm like, okay. Okay, I'm ready. If anything happens, I know, grab the kids, put them out in the hallway, and we'll survive whatever happens.
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Yeah, it's hard to put all of us in a bathtub. There's so many of us. We don't have a bath that big. Plus, the bathtubs here are on exterior walls, and that's not a good idea. You want to be on the interior wall, right? Okay. So, no must, no fuss. We'll get in the hallway, no problem. But here's my point. I'm like, I'm not going to wake them up unless I absolutely have to do that.
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Not going to wake them up. But Blue has other ideas.
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I turned the red tide green. I turned the, I don't know, the pink tide blue. I'm not sure what I did. But it was a great St. Patrick's Day. It will go down in history, in infamy, if you don't mind, here in some circles.
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Yeah. And so I am just trying to be quiet, trying to keep the volume down. I'm not going to wait. It's 1.30 in the morning. I'm not going to wake anybody else up unless I have to, because number one, it takes a Herculean effort to get those children to sleep in the first place. And I don't want to have to do that twice. But number two, everybody needs their beauty sleep.
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Let's make sure they get as much rest as possible. The first rumble of thunder and Blue's spinning in circles, barking. And I'm like, shut up, Blue. Quiet. And the more that I tell her to quiet, the more she starts spinning around and barking. Chrissy, I'm like this. I'm like, okay, here's the deal.
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If you bark one more time, I'm going to put you out on the back porch and you're going to have to deal with this on your own because you are a little bitch and I don't want to have anything else to do with you. And all I could keep thinking was, if I only had that Greenland dog, we would have none of this. The dog would be quiet as a mouse.
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ready to jump, ready to pounce when the time came to protect the family. She would literally lay over us to protect us from the tornado. And here's Blue. And all Blue can do is run around like a little rat making a bunch of noise.
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She is Toto from The Wizard. Yes. I wish the tornado would take her away to Oz.
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She's cute. And it's like, so it's hard to be super angry at her, but live with her for a decade and you'll figure out how to do it.
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Anytime I come in, anytime I leave.
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It's her motto. That's right. She's not like us. She's just weird. She just keeps going. And it's strange because when we leave the house or come in the house, that's it. Even if someone we know very well, Chrissy, who comes over here all the time, like three or four days a week. Yes. She just barks, and it doesn't stop for like 15 minutes.
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And then when you leave, it doesn't stop for 15 minutes, and it just never ends. And any bit of uncalm, like something that's not calm, and she just goes at it. And it drives me crazy, and she's going to wake the whole fucking family up when there's no reason to. That's the worst part about...
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Having Blue is that at any given moment, Blue could decide that something's not to her liking, and she's going to make sure that everybody knows about it by barking.
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No. Every... baby that we've had all 20 of them every baby that we have had it is a constant fight to keep the kids yes stop stop but you can't reason with it because the more you try and reason with her the more angry the more like worked up she gets and it's like no no no no shut up And I thought, oh, my God, I'm changing you for a Greenland dog. I'm sending her to Greenland.
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What we can remember, what we can talk about. It was quite the ordeal.
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And I'm going to unleash holy hell on all of Greenland as they breed her into the mix. And the Greenland calm protection dogs all of a sudden turn into barky, yappy little shits. Oh, it's so terrible.
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Yeah. Well, usually you do the muzzle when they're a bite risk. That's why you do the muzzle.
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Because it can restrict them from opening their mouth, but a dog doesn't have to open its mouth very far to have it bark. And then instead of, we're going to get. We can take its vocal cords out.
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Yeah, we can take its vocal cords out. Hannibal dog. Yeah. We'll get this. I've heard dogs with their vocal cords out. It's the most annoying thing. Oh, yeah. Now it's a squirrel. Now I got baby squirrels living in my house.
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It sounds like a dog with a sinus infection. So lo and behold, you know, the baby, I'm like, oh my God, come on.
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Well, I remember all of it. Well, most of it. I do remember carrying you into a hotel room.
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And I have to get some sleep because now I'm going to be miserable.
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Well, you know, when we redid the studio, Astrid's like, just let her stay in the studio because she seems to be okay when she's there. But the problem is that if I get worked up about something, she's going to get worked up, too, and then we're all going to bark.
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Because unbelievably, the person who is really kind of over it in this family, I mean, everybody's over it, but the person who's most over it is Brian. But she just like she is attached at my hip. She that's the other thing is that she follows me around everywhere. And if I'm not like literally looking at her, she will walk in front of me and stand in front of me and just look up.
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And I'm like, oh, my. Really? I can't go anywhere. I go to the bathroom. She has to she's trying to get in the door. And I'm like, you know, I don't need to shit with you here. I don't. Oh, Chrissy, it's terrible. I want a Greenland dog. That's what I want.
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Well, that's what we need for Blue to do.
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Well, I'm going to send her down with that Billy McFarlane and they can do the Fyre Festival. There's only one problem with that. I don't think the Fyre Festival is happening. What a shit show. What a shit show. I'll give you an update about that and also some 90 Day Fiance drama when we get back. Darcy and Stacey. Darcy and Stacey have written a song. Oh, God. And wait until you hear it.
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Green, shots, yingling, a lot of yingling, a tent, a hotel room.
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It's just about as bad as you can imagine. Let's catch up with Fyre 2 and Darcy and Stacey when we get back.
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I'm not listening to the Severance podcast, you asked me. I listen to the Severance, what do they call them? IPEC episodes. They're essentially review episodes. But somehow the cast is connected. It's not like the official. I have listened to the Severance podcast, the one that's the official Severance podcast. But this is called like the Severed podcast. It's different.
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All interesting. There's so many theories. This show you have to watch in such detail. Every little nugget is another thing to hang on to. And I love it, but I can't go down every single rabbit hole because I don't understand all of it. And I want to come to the natural conclusions that I'll come to with my own brain. But this last episode, these last two episodes have been real wing dingers.
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I hope there's another. There's got to be another season. I mean, it's not possible to wrap this all up in one more episode, unless that episode is like three hours long, which I hope it is. I love Severance. And that episode two episodes ago was only 30 minutes long, 36 minutes long, something like that. And that left me disappointed. But I loved the episode.
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We got it right. So here it is. Chrissy and I are working for the radio station, as we did for many years. Well, not many years. Four years. Three years. It seems like forever. Yeah, you go work in radio and tell me how long it seems like. One day is like five years. It's like interstellar. You know how 1.25 seconds is a day on that planet? Mike's planet or whatever?
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stop talking so evil why do you talk so evil anyway if you're not watching severance you have no idea what we're fucking talking about but you must watch severance because everybody's watching severance um okay so i was going to talk about two things i was going to talk about darcy and stacy yes and then i was going to talk about i just remember the note fire fire fire festival yes
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It was coming to me. It just took me a minute. So weird. I got an email over the break, and then it got me all flustered, and here we go. Okay. Firefest 2, definitely not happening. Definitely, definitely, definitely not happening. The local government says it's not happening. The island that it's supposed to be on says it's not happening.
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Now, all of the hotels that were associated with this have said they have no idea what anybody's talking about. No artists have been announced. And Billy McFarlane has. So you remember how I told you that I had been contacted about like an ancillary something that was going on with Fyre Festival? What I did not realize until I watched a video over the over our little break over the weekend was.
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was that Billy has been trying to put on all kinds of events since he got out of jail, and none of them have happened. He was supposed to book out a hotel, and then he was going to have the biggest artists in the world play at this hotel, and he had to spend a million dollars to get a room to go to watch these artists. That never happened.
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He was going to do an underwater concert, where you're going to have to use scuba gear to get down there. That didn't happen. He was going to do a private Hamptons retreat where everyone got on a helicopter and flew to the Hamptons and saw the best artists in the world. That didn't happen. So many things that Billy has said are going to happen never happened.
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And all in an effort to get people to buy tickets that then he would use the money for however he used the money. And he claims up and down sideways that this is happening. But even the production company, who does have some experience putting on Festivals like EDM festivals down in Mexico, like three of them, but they do have some experience.
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They put out a statement saying that if everything goes right, we'll have this festival. But they have not announced it officially on their website, on their socials, on their Instagram, their TikTok, nothing.
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That's right. Meaning if we get paid, we don't want to be a part of this shit show. So we're going to stay as far away as possible until the very last minute. Oh, and by the way, in case anyone was wondering, Billy McFarland is on parole. He cannot leave the country. Ha ha ha. So Billy McFarlane does not even have permission to be at his own festival. He has never been to the site.
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He has no idea what's going on on the ground because he can't physically be there. So if this isn't if this isn't a clear indicator of just how full of shit this whole situation is. Then let that be your warning. Billy himself has never visited the festival site, has no idea what's going on, can't possibly know what's going on. If you're going to put on a festival like that, how long does Jeff go?
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Does Jeff go like a month ahead of time?
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No, I mean like he goes like physically stays there for like a month ahead of time, a couple weeks ahead of time.
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Okay. Because that's what you need to do if you're putting on a festival. Yeah. And Jeff doesn't even own the festival. It's like there are other people that have ownership. I mean, Jeff has ownership, but he's not like the guy who's writing the checks. Jeff is the director of the festival. But he is down on the ground with his hands dirty.
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Billy can't be there. Don't buy these tickets. I'm sure you haven't, but don't buy these tickets. Let Billy learn one last lesson here. And that is no one's ever going to trust you again to put on a festival. You should have had all of this shit figured out from the moment that you opened your mouth about it. You should have given yourself.
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I just watched Interstellar and that ticking noise. I don't know if you know this, but in the movie Interstellar, this is a total side here, but in the movie Interstellar, when they get to that planet, the water planet. Okay.
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To do it again. But like in the like even worse this time, because at least last time you had musicians that were booked. To try and get people to trust you to do this correctly when you have no acts. Now you have no hotels. You have no indication from anybody that's actually on the ground that they know what's going on. This is like the worst possible PR disaster for any music event, any event.
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And Billy on the Today Show, when asked, you know, do you think people are taking a risk buying these tickets? Yes. And Billy said, well, I think you take a risk when you buy any tickets. No, you don't. Because with most festivals, they've already planned it. It's already it's already happening. They already have the permits, the staging, the porta potties, months and months of logistical work.
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And they probably paid large deposits to these bands and these artists to get them to show up. So, you know what, Billy?
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No. That's what the commercial break does. Not a major music festival. But guess what? If it doesn't come across on your RSS feed, no one's going to die. It's just insane. And to me, how anybody would be hoodwinked into buying these tickets, I don't know. I'm sure there are a couple of people who have bought tickets because they just want to be in on the shit show.
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They get to the water planet, they're near the black hole, and they've left the other guy in the spaceship away from the black hole, and they say to themselves, we have to do this quick, because every 1.25 seconds on this planet is a day on Earth. So the longer we stay here, the longer we're gone.
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But man, I'm telling you what, Billy, if you aren't making money on the festival, if you haven't already signed contracts with Netflix, Hulu, Disney, Max, you know, and all these people to make a documentary about shit show number two, you're the moron. You should have absolutely have a camera crew following you around right now. So that's just an update on Fyre Fest.
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It's less than two months away, about a month and a half away, and no artist, no musical artist has been announced. But there's plenty of sports stars that have said they are connected in some way. Actually, they haven't said that. He's posted them on his Instagram. And so that just makes me feel like it's all that much more shady. Like...
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You want to pay $1,400 just for the tickets to go hang out in the same general area? You could pay $30 and go to the arena and see them play from the nosebleed seats and probably get just as much access as you're going to get at the Fyre Fest. You think Kyrie Irving is going to be hanging out with you because you paid $1,400 to be there? No siree, Bob. Paid the million and a half? Maybe.
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Maybe then Kyrie Irving would be there.
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We don't know. But Darcy and Stacey, you can get them to make you a personalized something or other for like 26 bucks. Right, Miranda? I'm kidding. All right. So let's do this. Darcy and Stacey. How do I explain Darcy and Stacey?
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Yeah, to someone who does not know. I want you to imagine... the biggest birthday balloon you've ever had. Then imagine four of those, two up front, two in the back. And then imagine two smaller balloons in your cheeks, two long balloons in your mouth, and then one in your forehead. And now you are imagining what used to be human beings are now just robots, I think, essentially plastic robots.
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Darcy and Stacy, twin girls who were your first introduced to, on a short-lived reality show called, like, Twinsies or something like that back in the 90s.
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Yeah, the guy from Norway. That's right. Yeah, it could have been the first season of Before the 90 Days or 90 Day Fiancé the other way or whatever it is. But she got introduced to us like 10 years ago, a decade she's been in the consciousness. But she did do a shortly lived reality show before that.
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But I don't think it was on TLC. I think it was like UPN or something. But it only had like three episodes. And it was following these two twins who were married, both of them, who both of them had children. They had both been divorced and moved back home with their father. And it was supposed to be following these two girls who had champagne tastes and caviar dreams on Walmart budgets, whatever.
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And they end up being gone for 23 Earth years, and they're gone for like an hour and a half, or whatever it is, right? But... That's what radio feels like. Every 1.25 seconds is like a day on earth. And so I think by that count, Chrissy and I were there for 23 years. Yes. So we are at the radio station, and Yingling has traditionally been a northeastern beer for whatever the rules of the road.
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Right. And over the years, over the 90 Day Fiancé programs, they have embedded themselves into this lexicon, into this very popular 90 Day Fiancé format.
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Yeah, she had a nip-tuck here and there.
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No, today it is just, they are, and I just saw an Instagram reel about Darcy, and she was going to get her monthly Botox. Mm-hmm. She had a subscription service to Botox at this place, and she was doing a promotion for them, obviously, and she was getting this Botox. You couldn't put more Botox in these girls. No. And now they've got those weird jaw lines because they've had that jaw work done.
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Yeah, they look like square jaws. It's really disturbing. In my opinion, it's plastic surgery. They're starting to look like that cat lady.
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And their eyes are almost closed because they have so many fillers that are drooping down. It's weird. They're both, they seem like nice enough human beings, but they're just plastic fantastic. And they're ridiculous human beings, by the way, too. So the other day I'm trolling on their Instagram to get an update on all the plastic surgery.
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And I find a song that Darcy has written for, I think, a brother that they had had that passed away some years ago. And I don't want to make fun of the brother passing away. That's not.
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God bless. That's a very difficult thing to go through. But I'm not sure this is the correct way to honor him, singing this song that is insane to me. Are you ready for this? I'm ready. All right. Let's see if we can make it work. Hold on.
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I mean, not a terrible intro. Like, as songs go, it's not the worst. But now we're getting into, like, every song I've ever heard before, ever.
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I think we could have used some autotune here.
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I don't even know if that note really exists in real life. I think that was something she made up.
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You can't distribute here, distribute there. But then for some reason, all of a sudden, Yingling comes in.
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Who did this for these girls and said, yeah, that's a hit?
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I know. You know what I know is bad is it's got more shares than it does likes.
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You did. And lucky you. Because St. Patrick's Day was about, they came here on January 1st, and St. Patrick's Day is just a couple short months ahead, and they're going to blow it out.
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Oh, God. That's it. Okay. That's all I can handle.
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Oh, it sounds like all the amount. It's singular. It's the music singularity. It's all happening right there in that song.
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And the weird whispering in the background. I know.
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Girls, come back to humanity. Come back down to Earth, ladies. Please. It's enough. Listen, I get it. You always lived in a weird world. Wherever you came from, you always lived in a weird world. You're twins. You're trying to be plastic fantastic and beautiful all the time and all that stuff. I get that. But you have drifted so far from normalcy that it's hard to relate anymore.
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Like you're just strange at this point. And God bless you. That's the way you want to live your life. Listen, you're not hurting anybody. I guess that's fine. But it just feels to me like I had, you know, when I first saw Darcy in that first season, I really felt like that guy screwed her over. He was a real jerk. Right. He was a real jerk and he screwed her over.
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And although I always felt Darcy was a little strange, I also felt like Darcy deserved better than that guy.
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Could you imagine if those two are still together? No. No, he ran off with another 90 day fiance chick. Did he? Yeah, he got, yeah, he got the better, some... One of the super hot South American girls. That's right.
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At a local bar, not a local bar, a bar up north in, you know, one of the suburbs of Atlanta. But they're going to get a tent and bands, and they're going to have the St. Patrick's Day party that they've ever had. And man was it, because Chrissy and I... We scouted the location, and there was like a Hampton Inn in the parking lot.
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And she wanted to dress half naked and he got all upset about it. And it's like, you knew what you were getting yourself into, bro.
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Yeah. Don't try and pretend like you don't know. We all know. We all know you. The Greenland dog only comes from Greenland.
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I don't even know where I am in that show. It's on in the background. It's fine. But I can't take it anymore. I really can't. They're all so thirsty.
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Yeah. Well, when you're on your 12th season of 90 Day Fiancé and now you're just putting all of your marriage woes out there for everyone to see, half those couples aren't together. I know. Weren't even together when they showed up on the show. They're certainly not going to be together after a month and a half of drinking in a fucking jacuzzi. Drinking in front of cameras in a jacuzzi.
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Yeah. Has never fixed any marriage ever. And it's not going to fix these. It's terrible. It's a terrible television show. I hope they put that one out to pasture.
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But honestly, the new 90 Day Fiance that just came out is not much better.
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Yeah, I think it's jumped the shark at this point. I'm over it. There's too much good television to watch.
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Like the Seven Little Johnstons. That's the thing.
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It was so good for so long. We had an embarrassment of riches, but now it's just, it's dated at this point. Yeah. And we all know that no one comes in on, no one can get immigration papers anymore anyway.
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It's going to end. It's too close to the bone at this point.
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If Donald Trump hasn't put a stop to 90 Day Fiance, the television show yet, he's coming after it. Trust me. Oh, yeah. He's going to find out that's a way he's going to get, you know, score points. All right. TCB podcast dot com. That's where you go to find out more information about the show. All the audio, all the video right there from one location. You can also get your free TCB sticker.
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Give us your physical address on the contact us page and we'll send you a sticker. Just tell us you want one. No problem. We'll do it. At The Commercial Break on Instagram, please do follow us. We try and post clips of the show and other stuff there. I'm going to post pictures from our night with Ari Shafir up there. So follow us, please, at The Commercial Break.
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YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. For all the episodes on video the same day they air here on audio and 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, or leave a voicemail. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. Bye.
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Like the bar is sitting in a strip mall parking lot, and in the back of the strip mall parking lot, there's a brand new Hampton Inn. And we decided to rent a hotel room there so that we know.
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It's going to be shots and beer all night long. We're not driving back to wherever the fuck we have to go. We're just going to walk over to the hotel room. Two beds. Just be clear about that. Two beds. Like Ross and Rachel... Chrissy and I never hooked up until season seven. But we're only on season six. So, you know, we're not there yet. We're not at the Villages yet.
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Yeah, we're not at the Villages yet. So we get this hotel room. We drop our bags. We park in the middle of the parking lot. So our car is halfway in between. And we go to this party, which is a – it's cold, but there's a tent with heaters.
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Yeah, band playing. I happen to know the guy who's playing. Anyway, it's a whole fucking shit show over there. And we get right to it. We get right to work, as you do when you're in radio promotions. You drink and act like a fool. Yeah.
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You got to make sure that everyone is having a good time. You got to make sure that when you leave, they know that 94.9 The Bull, they party hard there. They believe in the products they're selling. They drank a keg of yingling on their own. There was just two of them. Well, there was three or four of us.
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But halfway through the night, it's probably midnight, 1230, and I can see the look in my best friend's eye. I know that look. When one eye is drifting off to the side.
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Yes. Chrissy got the look, and the guys were swirling around, and I was like...
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Yes. And I came back with another person who worked at the radio station. And that's all the story I can tell. But just know it was an interesting night for everyone involved. So much more interesting I wish I could share. But I love my friend and I'm not going to take it any further than that. So there you go. We have had a few St. Patrick's Days together. And that was a Monday night also.
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So there you go. I don't think we showed up to work on Tuesday. But I think everybody knew that anyway. It wasn't like they were expecting us to show up. We had work obligations the night before. Yes. I just remember waking up in that Hampton Inn, and our other friend had already left, and I was like, oh. Uh-oh.
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Yeah, I think we went to breakfast or something.
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Yeah, at like the Flying Biscuit or some shit.
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YuengLings, Stormy Springs and Ding-A-Lings!
Well, that's the kind of breakfast you have when you're out drinking. You to 1230, me to 330 watching movies all night long. Anyway, that was a fun one. So I hope you survived your St. Patrick's day. If you got any shenanigans you'd like us to know about, go ahead and text them or call them in. But I thought it was important to start the morning off or start the week off, uh, sharing two things.
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Number one, Aaron Weber, great guy, funny comedian. And, uh, he is our TCB infomercial this week. So if you didn't listen, go take a listen to Tuesday's episode with Aaron Weber of the Nate Borgazzi clan up there in Nashville, Tennessee. He's on Nate Lynn podcast. He's on the never ending tour. Uh, he's got a 30 minute special out. That's easy to digest. Really funny, fun for the whole family.
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It's relatively clean comedy. You can watch it. Um, You know, with small children who aren't going to understand, like, the nuances of the comedy, as the kids get older, they may catch on to some of the things. I wouldn't call it clean comedy. I think that's the wrong way to say it. He doesn't use traditional cuss words. That's probably the best way to put it. But he's really funny.
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He's a great guy to talk to, Aaron Weber. And then all the links in the show notes if you want to go. From Aaron Webber, clean comedy guy, to Ari Shaffir, not clean comedy guy. Let me tell you something. Ari came on the show a couple of weeks ago, and we had so much fun with Ari, and we laughed so hard. He is such a naturally gifted comedian. He's one of these guys.
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But you're not going to fully understand the extent to which Ari can make you laugh until you see him on a stage doing his thing. I think even the special does not do him justice. Because two things. We saw Ari on Saturday night. He was nice enough to leave some tickets for us. So we went and we saw it. So number one, great tickets. Thanks, Ari. Really appreciate it.
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Number two, I didn't expect Ari to be as physical in his comedy as he was. Like I watched the special and I know he walks around the stage and he uses his body in certain ways.
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But he uses his body to great effect. And the microphone as a prop and whatever he's got at his disposal as a prop, he used it to great effect. He is a fantastic storyteller. He really is. And he went on forever, by the way. I expected a 45-minute, 60-minute set.
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Oh, I was an hour and 38 minutes or something. It went on for a long time. And I could have done another half an hour. I really could have. He was so fucking funny. If you get a chance to see Ari anywhere near you, you will not be disappointed in the show he's putting on right now.
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Yeah, I wish I could remember their names. I'm sure I could go look them up. He had a host that did 10 Minutes that was pretty funny. He had another guy come out that was in The English Teacher. Is that right? The English Teacher? Let me look that guy up real quick because I want to give him a shout out.
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The English Teacher. He did this whole bit about... I mean, you know, it's not for the faint of heart. He did a whole... This comedian did a whole bit about...
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about abortion and i just could not stop fucking laughing is it it's not norbert leo boots is it was that him i don't think that was his name but no that was definitely not him i'm sorry okay i'll find out and i'll put a link in the show notes i don't want to waste and there was another girl too that came out and she was on netflix yeah and i really liked her too Yeah.
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So, yeah, listen, I liked them all. I thought they all were good in their own way. I will say this. The other two comics that came out, the first two comics, the host and this guy from The English Teacher, they were so high energy, as was Ari. And then the girl in between was a different energy altogether. And so, yeah, okay. But she was funny. I mean, she was funny. But then Ari came out.
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And there was no muss, no fuss, no break in between. When the host came out, it was 45 minutes later. Ari came out. There was absolutely no space in between. And when he came out, he murdered the city from the moment he got out there. He was so fucking funny. He told a story about Bert Kreischer that I didn't know. I'm not going to spoil it because if you go see it, I want you to.
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And obviously, they're his jokes. He's so much better. It's his story. But he told a story about Bert Kreischer that I never knew. And it was. uproariously hilarious. Meanwhile, there are terrible thunderstorms and tornadoes bearing down on the city of Atlanta. I mean, I think those tornadoes killed like 38 people on their way over to Atlanta. And that's terrible. I'm not making light of that.
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So it's 120 years old. Am I mistaken when I say that the tabernacle was somewhere where MLK Jr. preached at one point?
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And it's still got the organ, the pipe organ sitting in the back of it, refurbished, obviously. And now it's a theater. And it's been this way since about 1996. They've had this as a theater. It's an institution and it's a beautiful place to see anything. I saw Raphael and I were talking. Raphael came with us. Raphael and I were talking. I saw Stone Temple Pilots at the Tabernacle in 1997, maybe.
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So not in the heyday, heyday, but pretty close to the heyday. Yeah. I have never seen a real-life rock and roll star so rock and roll.
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Scott Wheldon came out so high and so charged up and so ready to go. We are both convinced that we saw him smoking. crack during the show. That probably was true. At that point, I think it was known that he had an addiction problem. There was something going on there that no one could quite figure out. It wasn't a cigarette. Couldn't quite figure it out.
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But this guy put on a show like I have never seen before in my entire life. He was like... The whole crowd was bouncing up and down with him, and he was so in control of that crowd, of the music. It was loud. It was fast. He was so good at what he did. I mean, I miss that guy. That guy, you know, you can't live like that forever, but he was so good at what he did.
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STP was, and they weren't even my favorite band, but when I left there, the Tabernacle, they weren't my favorite band, but I had a newfound respect for STP because I always felt like STP was like a ripoff of Pearl Jam. Mm-hmm. Not always felt like that, but when they first came out, I was like, oh, this guy's just trying to mimic Eddie Vedder. There's only so much Eddie Vedder that can go around.
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Yeah. The Margaritaville, the Gulf of Margaritaville. That's what I think we should call it next. The Gulf of Micropenis. How's that? Probably a more apt term for this right now. It really surprises me that Google has done this. And it makes me sad. Apple has not. Not yet anyway.
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So Apple Maps for now, even though they'll make me drive through, you know, a large river to get to the other side of the street. Apple Maps, not so great.
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If you're going to be a map maker, make sure you get that part right. You got to be up to date on it. So even though Google has certainly built a reputation for having a great map system, I'm a little bit disappointed that they changed it to the Gulf of Mexico. Not, I mean, the Gulf of America. Not that I... you know, whatever about Donald Trump.
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It's just that can we just that easily change something that has been around for so many years? And why are we changing it to the Gulf? What is the difference? What happens? What happens? Like all of a sudden it's America's? I don't know. It's open ocean. It's everybody's, I suppose, or that's what it's supposed to be, right? Am I right? I mean, back me up here.
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Be funny. Yeah. Okay. Ready, set, funny. I mean, all right. But there's some things that penetrate the inside of this space. And Gulf of America is one of them. All right. Let's take a break. We'll be back.
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Do you know who that is? No. You don't know who that is? A young and up-and-coming senator named Barack Obama. decided he was going to run for president. He was the senator of Illinois.
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Do you remember that Army Hammer, the whole situation with the cannibalism? Of course, yeah. Potential sexual assault and the rope tying. What do they call that Japanese rope tying? You got it, Tina?
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Well, shibari is the rope tying. Isn't hentai the... The whole style of... Yeah, that includes... Oh, it does?
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Oh, I did not know that. You learn something new every day. That Shabari, he was doing that Shabari shit. By the way, I see a lot of like Shabari reels out there. Yeah. People getting tied up, like, you know, consensually tied up.
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There's two women specifically that I see doing a lot of reels. And they're like, okay, what are we going to do today? And it's like, oh, a light noose. We're going to do a light noose. And I'm like, that's fucking scary.
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It doesn't sound light. You don't say light noose. That's not light. It's like saying, I'm going to have a light creme brulee for dinner. You can't do that. It doesn't work like that. To me, I would be nervous about that kind of tying up, but there are consensual adults who know how to do this.
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Yeah, it's a whole thing. It's very complicated, and it's almost an art form in and of itself. And while it doesn't look comfortable to me, it doesn't squeeze my balls, that doesn't mean that it's totally out of bounds. But Armie Hammer... was really shunned by the whole Hollywood community.
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Armie Hammer, of course, the guy who starred in The Social Network, and The Social Network, and he was also in The Social Network. He was, didn't he play the Winklevoss twins? I think that's who he played, is the Winklevoss twins. And, uh...
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He got shunned by the whole Hollywood community because there was a lot of talk that he was into cannibalism, that he had brought some girls to a random motel in the desert and mistreated them, potentially sexually assaulted them. I don't know that that was ever brought to a conclusion. He's not in jail. I'll tell you that much right now.
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And then somebody he like went down to his family's estate in the Caribbean. Yes. And then people were finding him. Being a real estate agent, like trying to sell timeshares down in the Caribbean. Am I right about that story?
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Yes. And the governor, Rob Bogoyevich, was being the governor of Illinois. And now listen, the city of Chicago and Illinois has a long history of corruption, scams, misdeeds, misangles. By the way, that's nothing new in government. It's always been happening. But Rob was one of the clearly more scammy governors that the state of Illinois had ever had. And that's saying something.
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Part of it. Okay. All right. So the guy was down there, he was selling, and he was really on the outs with everybody. But everything old is new again, and everybody gets a second shot because people love a comeback story. And Armie Hammer has had a podcast out there probably for, I'm going to guess, almost a year now. Mm-hmm. And it's all about army hammer. It's all about army hammer.
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It's army hammer on army hammer. It's a very, uh, meta podcast. And what army does is he invites people to come in and tell him how they feel about him, including his mother, his father, his friends. Um, He's had some celebrities on there. They get Jillian Barbary and I can't remember who else, but he's had some people out there who have come and they've really read him the riot act.
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And I don't know if this is one big jerk off army hammer on army hammer. You know, it's feels, feels very jerky offy, like, you know, kind of just feeding your ego even more. But there are certainly interesting moments that I've seen, at least on reels. I haven't listened to the podcast, but I've seen it on reels. And he's, he's, I guess laying it all out there.
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His side of the story. What went wrong? Why he's got some mental deficiencies? What he's into? You know, some self-reflection, I guess. It seems to me that Armie might be a narcissist, right? And that this is just yet another narcissistic attempt to feed his ego. But I don't know that. I'm just assessing it from a way far away. I'm not getting anywhere near Armie Hammer.
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But the interesting thing is that a couple of days ago, Armie Hammer was interviewed by somebody for a podcast. And the question was, what directors would you work with? And Armie said, I'd work with Woody Allen. If I sat down and decided that he was of good character, I'd do a movie with him. Fucking Woody Allen.
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And I was like, oh, okay. There's the kettle calling the pot. I mean, what an interesting combo. That's a movie I might watch. Woody Allen does Armie Hammer. I mean, I don't know. I don't know that Armie Hammer isn't like the Woody Allen. You know, say what you will about Woody Allen. He has made some movies with some of the most incredible actors of any time since he's been directing movies.
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He's got a complicated personal history, like a lot of artists do. We've been talking about this a lot on the show lately because it's an interesting question. Do you separate the art from the artist? And I think in some cases, yes. And I think in other cases, it might be hard to do that because your personal feelings kind of get in the way of the art.
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Woody Allen is one of those people that for a long time, I just have some complicated feelings about Woody Allen.
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screwing his adopted daughter and marrying her like that to me feels way out of line way out of bounds and if you did you ever watch that movie about woody allen the documentary uh about that that mia farrow did with her son ronan i think yes is it ronan farrow yes um yeah that was a yeah that was disturbing it was disturbing and there didn't seem to be a lot of uh
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redemption going on or apologies or self-reflection on on part of woody he seemed to be pretty resolute that nothing he did nothing wrong and that to me feels almost borderline weird it does feel yeah so now put army hammer and woody i know that i don't know about army hammer either there's there's been no conclusion there either and he doesn't seem all that apologetic about anything either however if you take those two dumb shits and you put them together in a room to make a movie i'm
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That might be interesting to watch. I'm just saying. It might be interesting to watch. It might be. It's like slowing down to look at a car crash. It's possible someone's hurt in there. But at the end of the day, you're going to rubberneck. Everybody does. You're going to rubberneck. Why do we do that? Why do we look? Why is it that these kind of things become attractive to us?
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You just want to know whether – you just want to know whether or not someone's disembodied.
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Yeah. And what do you think about – we spent a couple of these. Yeah. Louis C.K., back on the road, doing comedy. They've got a new documentary out about him. They do? Yes, they do.
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It's like, it takes a long time. Hey, we're starting the show over. We're going to do it again. I like a little drum. Yeah, we're going to do it again.
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I think it's on Hulu, if I'm not mistaken. I don't know if it's out or it's coming out. I saw a trailer for it where one of the girls was saying, yeah, it was pretty well known. You'd go to a party. Louis C.K. was there. You know, some people in the corner doing coke. A couple people over here smoking weed. You know, a couple of the people having one too many cocktails.
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And then Louis would be in the corner whacking off. And it's like... really yeah I don't get it I don't get it at all that's a weird predilection if there's one thing that I'd rather no one ever see including my wife it's me whacking off do you know what I'm saying If there's one thing that's uglier than Brian's sex face, it's Brian's sex face in the mirror, okay?
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I just don't—no one needs to see that. And why you would think that that's like—why that turns you on, I have no idea. Who wants to see you wet? No one. It's not a thing. It's not a thing. But Louis C.K. back on the road, you know, a lot of these people who were canceled are getting a second shot at— at reclaiming some of that magic that put them there in the first place.
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Now, I don't know that Louis C.K. will ever be the draw he was before. I just think there's too many people who think that what he did was kind of creepy, and there's no amount of apologies that's going to wash that away from their brain. But there's also a lot of people who just don't get, you know, it's like, whatever. He did what he did, and he apologized, and I guess we all move on.
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uh rob went to jail because after barack obama you know had to give up the seat to be the president of the united states yes there was an open seat and the governor got to pick who was going to be the senator and so rob decided that he was going to essentially um
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He was never my favorite comedian. Yeah. But I mean, how do you feel about some of these people coming back into the lexicon, like coming back into the fold? Does that bother you? Do you think if someone is canceled for reasons that that are enough to cancel them, they should stay away?
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Yeah, they can make the apology to her. Yeah, I agree with you. I think that, you know, there's some things you can't come back from marrying your daughter. There's some things you can't come back from.
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Right. And then there's other things that while disgusting and weird are forgivable at some point, whacking off in front of people, probably not my first choice of a party trick, but I totally understand, but I totally understand that everyone's into their own thing. Right. And, uh,
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Do you get consent? Do you walk around to the other people at the party? Do you mind if I jizz in the plant?
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You think he just got off stage and in the green room, he's like, hey, just give me a second. I'll be over here pulling my puns.
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That's so weird. So weird. And what is he thinking about? And what is going? Is there lubrication involved? Is he just spitting on his hand? Like all the minutiae behind that really got me thinking one night. It was like a couple of years ago when this whole thing came out. I was like, what is he doing? Like. What is the whole process here? He goes in the corner. He drops Trout.
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He just spit on his hand and start whacking off. And what does he think? Is he looking at people? Are you looking at somebody? Because if you're looking at somebody, then it takes it up to another level of disgusting. But if you're just like hiding in the corner.
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Wasn't it someone famous, too, that he did that in front of Amy? Was it Amy Schumer? I don't want to misspeak here.
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Because Brian gets it wrong all the time. I don't want Amy to be shamed into Louis C.K. 's masturbation shenanigans if that was not it.
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Yeah, that's true. I think she – I'm mistaken. Yeah, it's just like a – that's a weird – so anyway, so Louis C.K., okay, right? Go make your apology to her, and if people find you funny, well, I guess it's not the worst thing in the world, whacking off in front of people, unless, of course, you're staring at them strangely. But then there's other stuff that you just can't come back from.
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We're separating – And those are situations where I think it's okay to separate the art from the artists. Like, okay, Louis C.K. clearly has some weird glitch in his head where he thinks whacking off in front of people is something that's interesting or makes him horny. But then there's people like, let's take, who's the director? Harvey Weinstein. Harvey Weinstein, you can't separate.
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Yeah, that guy was like the worst of the worst of the worst.
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But man, did his production company, Miramax Films, make some really, really great films. And I'm not going to stop watching the films because Harvey Weinstein. I don't think we're putting dollars in. Are we putting dollars in Weinstein's pocket when we're watching those films? I don't know. Maybe his brother. But I'm telling you.
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Ask many, multiple people, lots of different corporations and people and newspapers to give him money in the hopes that they could obtain the seat or something related to the seat. And he also wanted to be in the cabinet. And he also he was like and he got caught on tape saying all of this. He was asking for bribes for that Senate seat and other things related to that Senate seat.
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But that guy can rot in jail for all I care. He doesn't need to come back and produce any more movies on my behalf, no matter how many apologies he has. It doesn't seem like the guy's got much longer to go anyway. Rob Schneider is another example. You remember that Rob Schneider?
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Copy guy. Rob Schneider. went total, like, crazy conspiracy theorist extremist on the right side. Okay, whatever. Whatever your political beliefs are. But he has gotten, he has left or gotten kicked out of multiple venues For like yelling and screaming crazy shit. I'm talking like shit. I don't even want to repeat here on the show. Crazy, crazy shit.
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And people walk out of his appearances, even people who are inclined to. feel the same way about his political beliefs, walk out of the show. It's too much for them. It's way too much for them. So he walks out. But Rob Schneider, but he keeps on getting gigs. People keep on setting him up with more gigs. Now, listen, that in and of itself, you know, whatever.
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I guess you just have to be into that kind of comedy if you're into that kind of comedy. But he's been canceled by both the right and the left. The guy
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You know who's still in the doghouse? Kramer. Kramer's still in the doghouse. Oh, Kramer. Yeah. He did an apology to her there for a while there. That didn't seem to soothe anything over.
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But he went haywire one night, too. He really did. This all leads me to say, Kanye, yay. Yay. Are you reading about yay?
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He sold T-shirts the night of the Super Bowl with swastikas on it and then tweeted, I'm a Nazi. Take that, bitches. Oh, OK. All right. So regardless of how you regardless of how I have ever felt about Ye's music, there is zero opportunity for that guy to ever make an apology to her. In my mind, of course, it's game over.
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canceled by brian for do what you want to do listen to what you want to listen to think of what you want to think too but i say done with yay i mean swastika is too far it's just too far you've gone too far you're selling t-shirts with swastikas on them what in the good fuck are you thinking yay simmer down and you even told me and i went back and looked at it
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that his wife is like on an apology to her behind him.
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Okay, so she made an apology. And now Bianca, what's her last name? Sensori. Sensori. Let's read about this. For just one second. Kanye West's children with Bianca Sensori argued on Grammy night. Sensori rep denies cry for help after husband's Kanye hate-filled tirade. Yeah, okay. So... Yes, we have reached out to X to get the account unverified or banned.
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Apparently, a dummy account is running around saying things on behalf of Bianca. Yeah, there's no amount of apologies, Bianca, to soothe over your dumb, dumb boyfriend's... trolling bullshit. It's just over. I agree with you. Enough with Kanye. Let's just be done with Kanye.
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And he got caught red handed. on tape asking for multiple hundreds of thousands of dollars, jobs for him, jobs for his wife. He's not going to give that seat away for free, I think was the exact terminology that he used. That seat is gold and I'm not giving it away for free. He is now pardoned. He is now pardoned.
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Maybe we take a decade-long break from Kanye and check back on his mental health after he has, and this is no joke, after he gets some medication that can clearly set him straight. The interesting thing about Kanye is that I read that He obviously deals with mental health issues.
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And he said that he was once diagnosed with bipolar, but then another psychiatrist came in and said, no, you're not bipolar. There's a different thing going on with you. And you should take this different set of medications. To which Kanye said, I don't really want to take those medications because they stomp on my creativity. Which, okay, I get it. But when...
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Your creativity is the vehicle upon which you're delivering the message, and your unchecked mind is going haywire. You might need to find a balance there between medications and your creativity, because the things you are saying...
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are absolutely disgusting and if you're trolling us cool whatever then i'm just going to ignore it all together but if that's really where your brain is going then i think you definitely need to find some new medications that can help you straighten that out and mental health is no joke we've talked about it a lot on the show and i don't want to make fun of you know i don't want to make light of somebody's mental health issues but
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But when you're that far off the gravy train, someone's got to pull you back on the tracks. Something has to pull you back on the tracks. Therapy, medication, friends and family, a combination of. And I think that's probably part of the part of the problem, too, is that Kanye is so famous. He in his own mind, he probably can't trust anybody. And he's like he's just so in his own bubble.
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There's no one there to burst it. No one is going to burst it. Because everybody else around him is probably on the Kanye gravy train too. They put up with it because they're getting paid to put up with it. And they want to be around Kanye. And I'm sure there's some people that actually love Kanye and know that somewhere deep down, there's somebody in there that they like.
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We know this because we've dealt with people that have mental health issues.
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There are people, sometimes, the people that we love are not the people that we like, if you understand what I'm saying. The people that we love are somewhere in there, but the people we don't like happen to be here right now, right? And that's just a complicated part of mental health. But as far as Ye is concerned, and Brian is concerned, Ye, we're broken up. It's a done deal.
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No mas. And Bianca, I have some clothes for you to wear. That's all I gotta say. You can walk around like that here at the house. But when you go out of the house, I'm just going to kindly ask you to cover up your clitoris. It's a rule in the green household.
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Tell you more about our rules when we get back. Take a break.
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And it looks like he might, one of the things that he was essentially asking for in that whole bribing situation was, I'd like to have a cabinet position. And in that cabinet position,
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Hey, we are coming up on five, I mean, five, 700 episodes. Yes, we are.
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I did. Wow, that's amazing. I think that 700 episode is going to come out on your birthday.
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It is. Lucky number seven. Maybe this is the year we make some money. We'll see. We don't have a great string of luck here at the commercial break. We're going to keep trying. Hey, listen, at 700, what are we going to do now? There's no going back. At 700 hours, you're in. You're in for a penny. You're in for a pound. And I have to tell you that it's official. My secret is out.
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I'd even like to maybe think about being an ambassador sometime down the line because an ambassador is a cush job, especially if you get an ambassadorship to somewhere, you know, Eastern or Western Europe where there's not a lot of drama and you can just go there anytime you want and live a high on the hog and shake hands and kiss babies.
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My neighbors now know about the podcast. Some folks at Starbucks know about the podcast. I've asked them to keep it low-key. I've asked them to say... You verified that? I verified it. Well, they verified it. And... Red-faced, I turned around and walked out of the building without getting my cup of coffee. I said, well, it's been nice knowing you. Thanks very much.
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I was over at my neighbor's house, the good neighbors, the great neighbors over next year. I was over there. The good neighbors. The good neighbors. Yeah, the good neighbors. Oh, my God. You know what happened? What? The other day, I was – do you remember Carpet Trunk Squash Lady?
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kept on bringing produce that didn't look so hot over to the house and wanted me to eat it. And I was nervous about all of it. Sweet lady, a little bit off. That's the same lady who threw the air conditioner out of the window.
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Thinking that was going to solve the problem for the broken air conditioner wasn't going to get better once you threw it out the second story window. But okay, whatever. They're a little bit older and they're having it. So the other day I see the husband walking across the street over through the grass. And I think to myself, well, that's strange. He's never been over, right?
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He was walking into my grass toward the house. So, you know, I met him out halfway because he's a little bit older. It looked like he was struggling to walk. Yeah. I didn't know what to do. I just wanted to make life a little bit easier for him. So I put on shoes and I run out there and I say, hey, man, how you doing?
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And he goes, well, listen, my wife, she's falling and she's on the floor and I can't lift her up. I'm just too old and weak. And I said, oh, okay. Do you want me to call somebody? Do you want me to call somebody? He said, no, I don't think she wants to go nowhere. She just needs to get up. You think you could help me pick her up?
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And I'm like, oh, man, you're asking the wrong guy to pick somebody up. Look at me. What do I look like? But, you know, being the dutiful neighbor, I said, OK, head over and I'll be there. And let me change and I'll be over there in a second. And so I go over there and this poor lady is laying like almost face down in the floor and she.
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has some health issues you know i don't want to get into their personal business but she has some health issues and she had been at the hospital for like nine months hadn't seen her in a long time she'd been to hospital for like nine months a long time and so i had to lift so i pull her up off the floor it's kind of a sitting position yeah and i'm like going to like grab her arms and say okay let's let's get up really slowly when she explains i can't even use my legs you gotta pick me up and put me in this in this chair no no
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And I thought to myself, oh, shit, this is where it all goes wrong. I'm not strong.
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She wasn't, like, crying or wincing or anything like that. It took all of my might to get her up into a chair. All of my might to get her up into a chair. Like, dead weight is... Dead weight is dead weight. It's really hard to lift up. So anyway, so I put her on the chair and I said, hey, let me call the ambulance. Let's get somebody out here to take a look at you.
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There's really nothing to do unless there's some war drama that breaks out in the country. There's nothing to do. An ambassador is a cush job. Everyone wants one. And he wanted an ambassadorship. Well, now there's talk that Trump might make him the ambassador of Serbia. So it turns out all the bribing worked. It just took about 15 years.
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And she said, I'm not going back to that hospital. I'm not going back to that hospital. And I thought, well, you got to respect her wishes, I guess. So I said, here, here's my cell phone. Next time, just call me. Don't take the walk all the way over the street because I'm afraid that guy's not going to make it over. He's like shuffling with his feet.
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And those cars are going, you know, 80 miles per hour down that road. They don't give a shit. Look at that poor old guy. Anyway, so we're all standing out there, and the kids are running around and talking to the good neighbors. And one of the adults in the house comes out, and she says, hey, you have been a source of entertainment at our house. I just want you to know that.
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And I thought to myself, here we go. The cat's out of the bag. The good neighbors know, and now it's time to move. I almost put a for sale sign out in front of my house immediately after this conversation. I swear to God, I did. I was like, well, that's it. We're done. They're going to know about all my drug abuse, all my whacking off and all my sex. It's over.
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I might as well just have people living here at my house. Everyone can see what's going on. And she said, yeah, you know, I didn't know that you were doing a podcast. like a comedy podcast where you were interviewing people.
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Yeah, she was like, I thought you were in real estate. I thought you were in like the financing business. And I said, I was. That's why we call it the commercial break. I said, the actual, the first episode of the commercial break that you can no longer find was about commercial real estate. But I just decided I didn't want to talk about real estate 24 hours a day.
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And she said, oh, well, I listened to one of your episodes. And I had no, and I thank God this was the thing that she said, because there were like children standing there, like her children too. She was like, I had no idea that Keanu Reeves was not the first choice for the Matrix. And I'm remembering the episode where we talked about that. It's a rather benign episode.
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And I thought to myself, well, that's a good episode. That is a good episode. for you and I to recommend to people.
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Say, just listen to that episode. Just that one. Don't go anywhere else. Right. We should have a separate... And then I thought about this walking back over to the house figuring out how I move or quickly figure out how the commercial break cannot show up at their house. I said...
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To myself, we should have a separate RSS feed where it's the same name, the same picture, the same everything, but it's only got a couple of episodes. And those episodes are like you and I talking about therapy, you know? Like self-help, therapy, all good groceries. That's what we should talk about.
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No Kanye, no penises, no clitorises, just us having a very friendly conversation for 20 or 30 minutes. Then, when people we don't want to know about the podcast... Find out about the podcast. We can direct them to that dummy RSS feed where they'll be none the wiser.
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They'll be none the wiser. How would they ever know? There's no difference in the look. We'll even start with the same opening music. They'll be like, this is great. Brian's doing great things over there. Look at him. He's helping people.
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Oh, we got a lot of feedback about that one. A lot of feedback about that one. We actually got a pushback from a couple of people who noted that, you know, life coaches are like therapists. They are there to help you in tough times and help guide you. And it's not always easy. You know, someone trying to scam you out of money. I didn't say it was always about scamming you out of money.
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But if you want to have a life coach like a therapist, get a therapist, someone who's actually been licensed to do the work. I'm not saying all life coaches are bad in every circumstance. I'm saying that not everybody can be a life coach. When someone's 26 years old without having lived any life and they want to be a life coach, I just have a hard time swallowing that pill.
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When you haven't even left your mom and dad's house, but you're a Jay Shetty life coach, what exactly does that mean? What life have you lived that makes you qualified to do that? There are people on this earth that I would take life advice from. Is Chris Christopherson still alive? No. No. Well, when he was, I would have accepted him as a life coach. Chris Christopherson. Who else?
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Who's another wise figure? Oprah. Dennis Leary. Oprah would be a good life coach. Maybe even her friend Gail, because Gail seems like she's been there every step of the way. Has a best friend ever made out better in history than Gayle did? No. I'm just wondering. She's like now making $20 million a year as the morning co-host of This Morning on CBS or whatever it is.
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You're talking the ambassador? Is it called the... Yeah, but I don't think it's called the ambassador. It's called the diplomat. Yeah, the diplomat.
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Never in the history of ever. I'm sorry, Chrissy. That's just not going to happen to you.
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Chrissy's like, if I hitch my wagon to Brian, I'll be like Gayle. I'll be doing the morning shows while Brian's... Maybe we need to go on a road trip.
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Yeah, I think there was always like... Yeah, Oprah always would mention Stedman and Gail. They were constant conversation points. But I think you're right about this. There was like a coming out party for Gail on the Oprah Winfrey show back in the early 2000s where everybody decided, oh, this Gail lady she's talking about is pretty cool. Yeah, she's funny.
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Let's get her out there in front of everybody. And let's face it, Oprah owns her own production company. So Oprah knighted a bunch of people. She knighted Dr. Oz. Thanks, Oprah. She knighted Dr. Phil. Thanks, Oprah. I think she knighted Gail. Okay, we can accept that one. Who else did she knight? Wasn't there one other person that kind of became famous because of Oprah?
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I'm sure a number of people did. Went in the lexicon because of Oprah, but I'm thinking of her production company more specifically. Oh, Eckhart Tolle. He became a household name, I think, in part because of Oprah. Dr. Wayne Dyer was on the Oprah show a couple of times also. You know, these are people. Eckhart Tolle. I would take life coaching from Eckhart.
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I just have... I stopped watching it. I got into it. I was really into it. And then I felt very confined in it. Like, I felt like we kept running over the same old ground episode after episode.
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That's a person I would take life coaching from. Debbie. Who's in her junior year of college is not someone I would take life coaching advice from. I'm sorry. That's my point. My point is that everybody becomes a life coach without any life experience or any kind of you know, road rash, then what do they really know?
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I think good therapists, good life coaches, people in your life who give you good advice, the reason why they give you good advice is because they have seen a thing or two, and that gives them some wisdom. That's the definition of wisdom, right?
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What is the definition of wisdom? Am I just making that up now?
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Okay, thank you. You know what would be a good life coach?
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Chrissy, do we have to have a conversation about your late night party?
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Okay, so it's like a documentary covering that first couple of years of Led Zeppelin in IMAX so that you can see all of Robert Plant?
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The Atlantic Station IMAX. Very cool. So not crowded on a Monday night. So you and Jeff had the run of the roost.
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Oh, two other friends. That was a foursome. All right. And so it was well done. It was a good documentary.
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Yeah, Led Zeppelin has been weird about that stuff. I think Robert Plant and Jimmy Page both do not like to be fluffed up a lot, which I give them some credit. Jimmy Page and Robert Plant, life coaches. There you go. Those two. Those are life coaches I would take. And Vince Neil. That's another one I would take life coaching from.
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Yeah. In case you don't know, there have been a string of plane accidents. Now, one might say plane accidents happen all the time. They're just being covered more often because, of course, the terrible situation that happened when the helicopter, the Army helicopter and the plane crashed into each other, leaving 68 people dead. Yeah.
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And so there's a lot of focus on air traffic and aviation right now. But this really was a weird event out in Reno. Was it Phoenix?
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In Arizona, where a private plane veered off the runway and smacked into another parked private plane. Very weird for this to happen. Maybe they lost control. I mean, obviously, they lost control. I don't know why they lost control. But one person dead, two people to the hospital to find out that this is one, one of the planes owned by Vince Neil.
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I'm asking you. You don't have to worry about it. Why are you – what? Who's going to – who cares? Is it like – is there another explosion like in season one? Do we have yet another explosion?
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People still paying a lot of money to go see old Vince in his beer belly, rolling around the stage, trying to remember the lyrics to his own fucking most famous song. They're the ones that call on the...
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Yeah, he's out of breath because he doesn't walk anywhere. He takes private planes. That guy is unbelievable. How do you have multiple private planes? You have to have a lot of money to have multiple. It's a Learjet, too. A Learjet, cool, a couple million bucks, easy. That doesn't include any of the costs associated with maintaining a plane. Vince was not in the plane.
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It was a company that he has a holding company for his jets. Yeah. Wow. Wow. Motley Crue cash must have been really, really good.
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Yeah, he actually did. Does Tommy Lee have a plane? I don't know. I don't know. But I will say this. I will say this. The Motley Crue reunion tour was one of the most successful reunion tours of all time. So didn't they go out? It was Motley Crue and was it Guns N' Roses?
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Yeah. Poison tour? Poison reunion tour? Yeah. Not as successful. Motley Crue, very successful. Smash Mouth, not getting back together. That guy died. I just wanted to give you a little information on what's coming up this summer, because festival season's right around the corner, and we all want to know who's going to be the big festival headliners this year.
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Well, it looks like some of our old favorites are on the lineup. Pearl Jam, Phish, Phish, and Pearl Jam. Who's playing at Mempho this year? Yeah.
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Oh, you can't give us the inside track? No. You can't give us a few details?
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No. Okay. All right. I was wondering if you were being literal about being explosive.
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Look at that. Boys from Atlanta going over to Memphis to play a game. Man, I'll tell you what. Those guys, they're also making bank.
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And all they do is play cover tunes. Yacht Rock cover tunes.
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Of course, I don't know if I could get up every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night and play sailing and still be sane. But I think Yacht Rock Review has structured themselves in a way where people just kind of turn in and out of the band. It's like a corporation. And different people fill the roles over time. I could be mistaken. I think a couple of them have been around since the beginning.
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But I think that's the way it is. But they really... Kevin reminded me the other day that him and I went and saw Pink Floyd... Dark Side of the Moon, done by Yacht Rock at the Variety Playhouse. Can't say it was my favorite version of Dark Side of the Moon, but it wasn't terrible either. They're very talented musicians. They did their thing.
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Yeah. I did a chili cook-off there once. I produced a chili cook-off, Jam Land Productions did. Jam Land Productions put together the first ever and the last ever.
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I will do my best to continue on with The Diplomat because I do love Keri Russell. She is incredible. Incredibly beautiful. Incredibly talented. Incredibly good at any acting job that I've ever seen her in. The Americans is one of the best television shows, I think, of the last 25 years. I think anybody who's watched it all the way through would agree. I need to go give that another watch.
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Any place we thought we could lose money, we'd be there in a heartbeat. You wanted to lose money, we were there with you. Don't worry, we'll put in some too. No problem. That chili cook-off went over like a Led Zeppelin. I'll tell you that much. It was the first annual and the last annual. Park Tavern Chili Cook-Off. And we had a lot of bands play. We spent a lot of money on it.
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And a lot of people came out and cooked chili. Unfortunately, not a lot of people showed up. Beautiful Saturday afternoon.
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No, I think we got like 300 people in there and we wanted like 3,000.
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It is. And it was great. And it was like 20 bucks to get in. And I think if I'm not mistaken, we had... cracker play oh like uh camper van beethoven or cracker um play because you know they're local they're in athens right yeah and so if i'm not mistaken i think that's who played There were maybe 100 people in front of the stage.
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Right. Beautiful place right there on Piedmont Park. Been around forever. Everybody knows it. Huge facility. Cold beer. Lovely staff. You know, you got the whole thing. And it was a nice spring afternoon, and it just didn't go well. Yeah, I got the golden touch.
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I got the golden touch. By gold, you mean dog shit.
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Midas had the golden touch. Brian has the peep-peep-poop-poop touch. Peep-peep-poop-poop. So I decided to drink. That's what I did.
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I ended up throwing up in the corner of the park. But I did get laid that night. I do remember that much. So there you go.
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Well, long after I threw up, yeah. Well, when you throw up, that gives you more room for more beer, and then you just go back into it. You drink yourself sober, and then pretty soon you're, you know, you're Romeo. Hey, baby. You're a lover, yeah. Yeah.
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Nothing like chili cigarettes and Bud Light breath to get you all hot and bothered.
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Ah, the chili cook-off. Everything turned to shit, lost a bunch of money, never invited back, but I got laid. And that, my friends, is the moral of the story. You want a life coach? I got experience for you.
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And Tina. Lots of people come in with wisdom at times. But I don't think I want to be anybody's life. I think you have to have some success in life, too.
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I am my kid's life coach. Take my kid today. He's got like... I don't want to get into all the details, but he's going to go on. They have like a morning meeting of the entire school every day. And he's going to be, he's going to stand up there. He's going to hold the American flag while they say the Pledge of Allegiance. It's a big deal, right? To be the flag holder at such a young age.
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You know, it was like, you know. And so the teacher sends all the information out, and she says, yeah, parents, if you want to come, please feel free to come to watch your kid do the Pledge of Allegiance flag holder. Different days, different kids. And I was like, wow, put it in the calendar. Get up this morning. Everybody rushes to get dressed. And my kid is like, I don't want you to come.
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I think that would be rewatchable. You haven't watched The Americans all the way through? Not all the way through. Every episode is like a piece of candy.
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And I'm like, what? Oh. And he's like, I don't want you to come. Please don't come. He's like begging me not to come. He's embarrassed of me. And he's not even nine yet. He's embarrassed of me. He told me. I said, just tell me the truth. Are you embarrassed? And he said, yes, I don't want you to come.
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I respected his wishes because, but he's got another event where he's like playing music next week and he's not escaping my presence from that. I thought, okay, I'm going to let you go on the flag holding. But I said, 30 years from now, when you have a life coach and you're crying about how daddy never showed up to anything, you're going to want this moment. Yes. So remember that.
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Because 30 years from now, it's all going to be psychics and life coaches doing therapy. Mark my words. More people trust psychics than therapists. It's crazy.
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All right, tcppodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there. You can also get your free sticker on the Contact Us page. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, tcppodcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Also, go check out Ari Shaffir's new special, America's Sweetheart, on Netflix. Available now. We love them. Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. I think so.
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That I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we do say, we must say, goodbye. Goodbye.
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I'm too busy keeping up with Severance, bailing out loud. I think now I'm watching some BritBox series. I can't remember the name of it, but it's very good. Severance has got me all kind of twisted up.
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One of the neighbors comes out, one of the adults in the house comes out, and she says, hey, you have been a source of entertainment at our house. I just want you to know that. And I thought to myself, here we go. The cat's out of the bag. The good neighbors know, and now it's time to move. I almost put a for sale sign out in front of my house immediately after this conversation.
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I don't even know what to think about the latest episode.
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It feels... It was probably the best episode yet of Severance, in my opinion. And I'm not going to give anything away. And I think this would be known even from the trailer of that particular episode. Because we go outside of the Lumen Walls in a way that only Severance could do. And then we have another explosive episode in only the way that Severance could do.
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This is turning out to be one of the best television shows I have ever seen.
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And there are a lot of people I've seen online who are like, I don't believe the hype. Fuck you. The hype is real. It is. Severance is good. It is well written. There are so many double entendres and secret meanings and Easter eggs and things to be discovered. And that has caused an entire community of people to try and figure out what Severance is all about.
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I'm following them all on Instagram. If you're a good analyzer of severance, I am currently following you on my personal account because I have to digest all of the different theories.
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Some of them are very outlandish. There was one where... Helly, who's one of the characters in Severance. Helly R. Helly R. One of the characters in Severance. I know. Helly and Helly R. It's just Helly Egan, Helly R. You have to be careful about which one you say because then you start another conspiracy, right?
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But that Helly was wearing the exact same outfit that Pam was wearing in an episode of The Office. Wow. And somebody connected the dots and said there must be some meaning to this. Now, I think that's a little far-fetched. I don't think the writers of Severance are watching. I don't think we're getting Easter eggs in the office. It's just like two-way far-fetched.
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But that just goes to show how involved people are in this. Honestly. The reality is pretty fucking miserable right now. And so any chance to get away from reality, I think is a, you know, you got to do it. That's just it. And severance is way down the rabbit hole. You can completely, it's the only thing that I wish. And I know they're doing this for a reason and I get it. It didn't work.
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Binging didn't work. So now we're back to showing it once a week. I just wish I could binge this particular show. I can deal with it on other shows, but on this show, I just want more. 48 minutes is not enough.
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But, of course, I get addicted to anything. You know, I'm OCD. I get addicted to anything.
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Yeah. Speaking of escapism, I read an article that you sent me about how researchers have found, from the 17th century, they found a crypt. That crypt was attached to what was then known as one of the most advanced medical facilities, hospitals. Right. that was around, according to historians, in Italy, in Milan, Italy.
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And they were analyzing the brains of about 10,000, some of the material from about 10,000 different bodies that were found in this crypt near this quote-unquote hospital. And what they found was stunning to the researchers. They found cocaine in the brains of some of the people, two of the people specifically, that were inside of this crypt.
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I swear to God, I did. I was like, well, that's it. We're done. They're going to know about all my drug abuse, all my whacking off, and all my sex. It's over.
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making, kind of dating cocaine about 200 years earlier than they believed Europeans would have had access to cocoa leaves. And they are saying, this just like, this made me think about a whole bunch of different things. Escapism is part of the human experience in so many different ways.
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Whether we go out to a nice meal to forget about our woes for a couple of hours, or we're drowning our sorrows in some dibbity dabs. Tasty Tina. No matter what your form of escapism is, television, playing with your children, making love, music, whatever it is, escapism is necessary. It's necessary for our brain. Going to sleep is a form of escapism too.
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And it's just our body's needs, our brain's needs to just stop for a minute. Stop from all of the regular rigmarole that we go through. The commercial break is form of escapism. It's a bad one. I'd rather have a crack problem, quite frankly. There's a lot more. It feels much better to smoke crack than it does to. And I don't know that personally.
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I'm just saying I've known people who have told me that crack tastes good and it makes you feel very nice. So I say all of this to say that it's amazing how a few puritanical people can just kind of make a whole class of escapism feel really dirty and nasty. Now, I'm not saying addiction is good because people who are going through addiction are really having a hard time.
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I'm not advocating for addiction, but some escapism here and there.
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It seems necessary. And the fact that we all get shunned for a lot of different versions of escapism is just yet another kind of Puritan, conservative Christian type of downer that's been put all over us. And I want to break free from the chains, Chrissy. I want to break free from the chains. Do a little bit of cocaine. When you're watching your children, it makes you feel so much better.
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I got so much more energy with cocaine. Cocaine has been around for a long time. People have been chewing that leaves. My dad told me a story. My dad used to, he was a commodities trader. But when I say commodities trader, he wasn't like a commodities trader that would trade in paper. He was a commodities trader that would trade in actual commodities.
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Example, he would buy 100,000 head of cattle from Mexico and buy it, ship it, slaughter it, chop it up, package it, sell it somewhere else in the world, right? And then make money on the spread, essentially. So, and he did this very successfully for many, many years. Poultry, pork, beef, mainly.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Oatley. Best to you, Kristen.
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And so he would visit South American countries often to go make deals with farmers or cattlemen or herders, ranchers, whatever. And so he went down there one time and they were driving up a hill and they stopped for some reason up in the mountains of I can't remember where. I think it was Columbia, but I'm not really sure.
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So he's driving up the mountains in dirt roads and they stopped for a few minutes to do whatever. And they see these men who are carrying these huge bundles of whatever it is they are picking, whatever, you know, produce they are picking up the mountain and barefoot. And they're just going and they're just going and they're going and they're going.
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And so my dad noticed that they had huge wads of leaves in their mouth, chewing them. And of course, the next question is, what are they chewing? What is that? Is that tobacco or what is that? No, it was cocoa leaves. Mm-hmm. they were getting paid, some of them, in cocoa leaves. That's what they did. They would just chew on cocoa leaves all day, and they would just go, go, go.
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Little ants marching up and down and up and down. And that was the life that they lived. Day after day, night after night, they would go to work. They would get paid a little bit of money. And I'm not glorifying this. I'm just saying this is the way it was. They would chew these leaves, and they would march up the mountain doing the work that they needed to
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do relatively i guess happy because who's gonna complain when you're high in cocaine and you're just you know running around yeah i beg for a simple life like that if i could chew cocaine leaves while cocoa leaves while i was taking care of my children if that was not frowned upon by some people then i might go ahead and do that chrissy
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Coming to you live somewhere north of Atlanta. Somewhere near the Gulf of America. Right by Lake Micropenis. We're all here. We're all doing it. We're doing the thing. Thanks, Google. One day at a time. Another service. Another tech oligarchy folding, bending the knee. Yeah, unbelievable. Wow. Wow. And Rob Bogoyevich is going to get out of jail, too.
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It is part of the culture. At Publix, why can't I buy cocoa leaves right next to the bay leaves? Why can't we have that kind of situation set up? Because of puritanicals. That's why. Puritanicals. I don't even know what that means, but I like to say it. And they're keeping me down, Chrissy. They're pushing me down. And I'm sick of it. I'm taking a stand.
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I'm going to start buying cocoa leaves on Silk Road 2.
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What's that Silk Road 2 coming? I thought we were going to get part. And now, Silk Road. I mean, Silk Road is probably the single reason why Bitcoin even exists. in any way, shape, or form still to this day. If it wasn't for Silk Road, Bitcoin might have just been a flash in the pan, might have been an idea that never really took root. But that's Silk Road.
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People found out that this was an excellent way to pay where you could, quote, unquote, not get tracked. But that's not true. Everything is tracked. But you know what I'm saying? So that's Silk Road, too. If you could do us a favor and sell raw cocoa leaves... I could chew the cocoa leaves and lose my teeth, but at least I would be happy.
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At least it would be a good form of escapism from all the craziness we're seeing today, like the Gulf of America. That's crazy to me. That's crazy to me.
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gulf of america and google kowtowed and google bent the knee by the way who is the naming organization who does that like isn't there there's got to be like the national you know the international map makers of the world that rules mean nothing right now but are there any the question is like are there any rules or is that just like a it seems like there would be
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Is that like just a colloquial thing that we say, like it's the Gulf of Mexico? Because we've always said it's the Gulf of Mexico, but it was really never named the Gulf of Mexico. Do we even know that, how those rules work? Can we just literally say it's no longer called the Gulf of Mexico? Apparently. And then change it? Okay. So why don't we start a petition to name it something else? Right?
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This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family, and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy, and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments, even when you're on the go. With Ring, you've got the whole home covered.
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I saved a fucking squirrel, for God's sakes, a baby squirrel, which carries hepatitis or something like that. I went to great lengths to save that squirrel. I drove in the rain 20 miles in my air-conditioned car to get that squirrel to safety. Now, listen to me. The ASPCA does a great deal of good. And while they have those terrible commercials that everyone hates, there's a good reason why.
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They tug at your heartstrings so they can save animals and make sure that these animals, even when they're left abandoned by shitheads who do not understand the responsibility of having an animal. They try and make sure that they get to good homes and do the best they can to do that in a no-kill way. The ASPCA is today's charity.
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Now, some of you have written in and talked about this also, so we are going to give it a little love. If you would like to donate to the ASPCA and help cats, dogs, and other animals find loving homes, and stay out of the kill shelters. And I'm not saying they never get put down because that is just not a reality of life, but help them find a good home.
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Give them some cash so that they can do well and make sure that these animals get saved, especially after disasters. This is the one thing that really sucks is that if you're in a disaster and you're choosing... You want to keep your animal with you, but life circumstances, it's either you or your animal. There are tough choices that need to be made.
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The ASPCA can come in and help in those situations. They do do a lot of good. Please help us by donating to them. Link in the show notes. And if you donate to any of our causes, send a screenshot. We will send you some swag with love from Chrissy, Christina, Astrid, and I. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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Okay, and we're back. Okay. Tell me the worst Christmas gift you have ever received.
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Be honest. You got to let them know. I think a mirror. You got a mirror for Christmas?
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And what did you interpret that mirror to mean? What was the symbolism? Like, take a look at yourself before you leave the house or something? Take a look in the mirror?
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Yeah, I wonder what's going through his head. Like a nice chair or a nice couch, a love seat. Everybody needs a good end table, right? Don't we all need a good end table? I do. I don't know. And then you pick the mirror. That is kind of a weird choice, but it's certainly a man choice. Like it's a choice from a guy who probably doesn't, you know, I don't know. It doesn't have much, anything else.
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Was he the kind of guy who would spend most of the afternoon on Sunday watching football?
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Okay, there you go. Just checking. Christina, worst gift you've ever received?
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Oh, she gets you like play band-aids.
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Well, then there you go. She got her comeuppance. Band-aids have become quite the commodity in this household.
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We have 10 boxes of different charactered Band-Aids. And if one kid gets a boo-boo, and I mean the smallest of boo-boos, one that does not even, I keep on explaining to them, Band-Aids are for blood. Band-Aids are for blood. If there's no blood, there's no need for a Band-Aid. That doesn't fix a bruise. It doesn't fix a bruised ego. It doesn't fix that you're
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brother kicked you in the ribs it doesn't fix that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter to their little minds because all they care about is having you know hello kitty or whatever it is on their on their body it doesn't last but five seconds because they always rip it off right away and then they play with it and eat it and stick it in their hair and all this shit how many hundreds of boxes of character related band-aids have we gone through in this house because when one kid gets a boo-boo all of them have a boo-boo they're all you know someone who comes to me there you're
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Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Grain.
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So, Christina, if you, you know, have extra Band-Aids, this is a good house for them. That's right.
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And so you were known for being the Band-Aid girl.
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Okay. All right. So your mom's getting back at you for years of... Just never forgot it. That's right. I would say the worst gift that I have gotten, and I think we may have had this question like back in season number one when we were doing like a fish, that fishbowl thing where we were pulling questions out of there.
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This is the Uncle Eddie to my Russ, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Here we are yet again in the studio helping you through the holiday season. I don't know how, but there's in some way, shape, or form, I'm sure we're helping you through the holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think the worst gift, I know the worst gift I have ever gotten was for my former brother-in-law, former brother-in-law. Who was one of my favorite humans on earth. His name was Charles. And he was a gay man. And he was a very fashionable gay man. French aristocrat, high society gay man. Always dressing nice. Always looking nice. Always smelling wonderful.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And he gave me no shit like a subscription to Hair Club for Men. No.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
As well as some like peroxide shit that you put on your head. The minoxidil. Minoxidil. He got that for me as a gift. And he took, he had no idea how badly this hurt my feelings. No idea. He was like, what? You know, I know you want to look good. So I'm just, you know, I'm helping you. And I'm like, helping me what? Grow back my receding hairline? And he's like, well, it's no secret, Brian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I was like, thanks, Charles. I appreciate it. Worst Christmas gift ever, for sure. And I think probably in a couple of days we'll get her on the phone. But my mom is certainly the – she's an equal opportunity destroyer of hopes and dreams around Christmas gifts because my mother has got to be the worst gift giver consistently. Really? On a consistent basis. Yes. Let me give you an example.
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I am 25, 26 years old. Remember, I have a twin brother. I'm 25, 26 years old. So that would have been sometime in the 2000s, right? Sometime in the 2000s, long after 1982 has gone. But my mom was still pandering under the delusion that I was like a four-year-old boy because when I opened up her gift, her big gift,
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To me was a full head to toe jean outfit, jean jacket, jean shirt, pair of jeans, you know, white socks, white crew socks. And she was like, you can pinch roll them like they were acid washing. She's like, you can pinch roll them. And I'm like, pinch roll them. Mom, no one pinch rolls anymore. What are you talking about? That jean jacket, Chrissy, was the ugliest thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
thing I had ever seen in my entire life. But what was made worse was when Kevin opened up his gift to realize that he got the exact same outfit.
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Yes. So Kevin and I had matching jean outfits. Sweet. Now, we humor... we use it a lot to defuse emotional situations in my family. And Kevin and I were running a little hot that my mom had decided to get us jeans. So we kept a lot, you know, we made a big joke out about it. You know, jean jackets, mom, don't get jean jackets. You don't get jean jackets. That's not what happens.
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The very next year, My mom decided to go to Kohl's and get Kevin and I flannel jackets, flannel jackets, like the kind you wear to chop wood. Do you know what I'm saying? Not the stylish kind, but the kind you use to chop wood. With thick corduroy pants. So now we look like true woodsmen. And it wasn't just me who got it. It was Kevin who got it. So year number two, my mom fails.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Just let us think that we're helping. Yeah.
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Well, I mean, if people donate to our causes, then we're definitely helping. That's for sure. How else are we helping? I don't know. We're just putting more downloads into the universe for people to absorb. There you go. Thanks for joining us. Chrissy, do you know the origins of the 12 days?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Year number three, I think we each got a carton of cigarettes with a brand new ashtray. Because your mom's helping you die. Well, you used that. I got a six-pack of Bud Light one year. I think that's what I got from my mom. And then eventually my mom wised up that she was trying to pick us fashion choices. Listen, when you're a mother, you'll always be a mother.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
When you're a father, you'll always be a father. You're always going to want to dress your babies. I'm sure that that's true. I'll know that when I'm 72 and my kids are nine. I'll realize that. But what my mom wised up to was, why don't I just give the boys gift certificates so that they can go and do their own thing?
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Great call, unless mom gets us gift certificates to like, you know, what was the store? Woolworth? Do you remember that store? Woolworth?
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Woolworth. They don't even exist anymore.
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Yes, there was like one in the greater Chicagoland area. And I don't know how she got these gifts. I think she asked my grandma to send them to us. Woolworth, where am I going to get? And then one time it was the Burlington Coat Factory. The Burlington Coat Factory, mom?
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Is that where all the kids are getting cool clothing?
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Is the Burlington Coat Factory? Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Of course, my mom was always known to make like super special. Listen, Christmas was such a special time when we were very young children. Then our parents divorced like a lot of parents do divorce for a lot of different reasons. And when they divorced, my mom went to live in an apartment and my dad stayed in the house. And, you know, so my dad did his best to make the Christmases special.
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And my mom did her best to make the Christmases special. Yeah. But I think when they weren't together teaming up to make the Christmases special, it just something got lost. So my mom would like decorate her apartment. She had this fake tree that would bend at an angle, you know, and like tinsel and stuff like that. So it lost its luster just a little bit.
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And I'll tell you when I think it really kind of like it hit me that it's lost its luster was one year. I think this is the same year that we got the cigarettes in the ashtray. Yeah. we come in, it's Christmas Eve, and my mom has got the oven on, and it smells good in the house.
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That was different, yes, because my mom, it never smelled good when my mom was cooking, God bless her soul. But it smelled good, and so I was like, I wonder what we're having. It smells, doesn't smell like traditional Christmas food. And my mom said, it's
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By the way, we just figured out that the 12 days of TCV is actually 13 days of TCV, since we don't know how to count on a calendar. So you're getting an extra episode. We'll actually be doing 13 days.
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We all sit down for dinner, and my mom pulls out trays from the oven that had been warm, two of them separately. And she puts them on the table, and they have these tins with the cardboard top. And both the cardboard tops say Pizza Hut Pasta.
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My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas, and I'm telling you what, it was all it was cracked up to be. It was fucking terrible. It was. Pizza Hut cooking pasta bowls. I mean, you would think, how hard is pasta to fuck up?
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If you're making the pizza, you can make the pasta?
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But I didn't see any pots of boiling water over at Pizza Hut when I went there. I mean, I don't think those were coming in the door fresh. It was terrible. And it was just like that. To me, it was a bit of a sad moment. Funny, but a bit of a sad moment.
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Because I was like, my mom's trying so hard to make Christmas is special and she just can't win for losing. I mean, it's like absolutely has destroyed any notion that Christmas is special by freaking.
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And I go, mom, and she goes and she goes, you don't like it. And I'm like, it's Pizza Hut for Christmas. And I go, I know, like, you know, OK, I appreciate the effort, mom. But how did you even think of this idea? And she's like, well, I can't. I called him and I asked him if they were open on Christmas Eve and they said yes. And I thought, great, let's do pasta from pizza. I saw a commercial.
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halfway through the 12 days of christmas we realize that it's 13 days of tcb do you know the origins of the song 12 days of christmas uh no i don't think that i do i don't think i do either let's learn together let's get learned the best known english version was printed in the mirth without mischief a children's book published in london in the 1780s
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Listen, they do make it look great on the commercials because that's what the people who make the commercials are paid to do. Exactly. They're not getting their pasta from Pizza Hut. They have professional chefs that do that shit. There is no pasta chef at Pizza Hut, I can guarantee.
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Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive, And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer. So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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But now Domino's does. I think it just makes its way around the pizza universe.
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That's right. I think there's a company who makes pasta bowls for pizza places and they win the big contract and realize that it's a loser and then they move on to the next big pizza brand. It's like, you know, one moment Pizza Hut has it, the next minute Domino's has it. Little Caesars is next. Little Caesars pizza bowls. That's why I can appreciate a Little Caesars.
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Listen, if I'm going to have pizza The holidays, which is not the worst idea in the world. No, it's really not. We've already determined that Brian is not a big fan of the traditional clucking and chucking dinner with ham and turkey that gives you salmonella. I'm okay doing a taco Christmas. I'm okay doing a pizza Christmas.
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One year we did our own pizzas and we cooked them in a pizza oven at my dad's house. That was fantastic. I'm OK with that. But let's not go to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve. If I'm going to have a pizza on Christmas Eve, I'm going to have a pizza from one of the like the boutique pizza places around here.
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No, there was like, you know. Everybody in every city around the world has Antonio's Pizza, Tony Romo's Pizza, Bob's Pizza. You know those pizza places that have been in your neighborhood for years, but you don't know anybody who's ever gone there? But on Friday nights, there's a lot of cars out front? Everybody has one of those pizza places and has forever and ever.
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But it isn't until very recently, and I think Atlanta might have been one of the places that started this trend, to have these very... boutique pizza places that have, you know, wood-fired ovens I had flown in in a helicopter from Italy for $700,000. Yeah, from Sicily. That is not old. We just flew it in from Sicily.
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And those are the kind of places where if you're going to get pizza for Christmas Eve, let's do a pizza from that kind of place. Now, I do have to say... Pizza Hut, when I was a kid, was the better of all the options, in my opinion. That was my personal opinion. Like, I would rather do Pizza Hut than do the other guys.
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But in the worst part about that particular dinner, that particular feast, was not that my mom had decided to get... Pizza Hut. It's that there was no pizza from Pizza Hut that could have come along with it.
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But here's the good news. We got lots of cigarettes to smoke. So at the end of the day, beer to drink. So at the end of the day, it wasn't that drunk.
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Well, here's my belief generally in life. Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them. I just think that's true of most human beings. We're just doing the best we can with the information we have in the moment that we have it. And that's it. And there's no knock on my mom.
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My mom was a single mother and yes, a single mother of mainly adult children, but that's still a feat. Like you still have to, she held down a job. She, I mean, my mom is a rock star in a lot of ways. Look, she made me, and I'm doing 12 days of TCB, which actually is 13 days of TCB. Okay, maybe we weren't all that great at math, but I'm telling you what.
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Pizza Hut or no Pizza Hut, my mom was trying. And for that, I give her credit. And now with the grandkids, she just loves to get them toys. And with the grandkids, she's doing so much. I've noticed that my parents are doing so much better with the grandkids than they ever did with me. I guess that's how therapists stay in business, huh? Yeah.
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Oh, yes, for sure. All right, let's do this. We're going to take a break in just one second, but I wanted to remind you, the ASPCA, doing good for animals all around the United States and beyond. So do us a favor. There's a link in the show note. If you would, go donate to the ASPCA. And if you do and you want some schwag, you can go ahead and take a screenshot of your donation there.
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something about the northern castle of Newcastle and the tine and the partridge and the pear tree and all that other stuff. But here's the more important question. Can you name the 12 days of Christmas?
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And we will send you some swag, some TCB swag. And please understand, we do not get in the middle of this. We're just putting the link on the website. It goes directly to their website. We are incentivized in no way. We haven't even communicated. We haven't even communicated with these people.
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We just like these charities. And we hope you'll do some good over the holiday season. Okay, we'll take a break. We'll be back.
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I know, but we have pizza so much around this house because the kids, you know, they're kids. They love pizza. And so we have pizza at least once every 10 days. There's pizza of some brand or variety, whether that be frozen pizza or we go out for pizza. So I do want pizza, but then part of me is like, I already have a lot of pizza in my diet.
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I'm not sure my cardiologist is going to appreciate that. Here's the reason why I ask you about the worst Christmas gift ever, because they've put out the traditional annual list of worst gifts for 2024 to get.
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This is not from town and country. This is from Whale House.
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Oh, Whale House. Good old Whale House.
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That was good. You saw that one right on the corner. You were like, I like that one. All right. Ready? Yes. I think this is the worst. Yeah, the 17 worst Christmas gifts as per whalehouse.ca. Here we go. Yeah. Don't ask me. I just found it. I thought it was interesting. I was reading through it. Okay. Number one, a coffee cup. I can agree with this wholeheartedly.
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Listen, I drink tea every night. I drink tea. It's easy on my throat, my belly. I like it. There's no caffeine. It calms me down because I need calming down a lot. And through the years, people have gotten me coffee. Coffee cups, tea cups, right? Of course. Throughout the years. It's wonderful. But now I have a hundred of them. I don't need another one. I honestly don't.
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Let's be real. Has anybody ever really said, I want a coffee cup for Christmas? I mean, unless it's a fancy one. Now, one of my family members this year for Christmas wants one of those fancy ones that heat themselves up. Oh, yeah. You put them on the little thing and they heat themselves up and stay hot for days.
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Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, get me one of those other ones. What are those? Those ones everyone's killing each other for that have a bunch of lead in them. Stanley's. Yeah. I guess we're over the Stanley's now. Are we over the Stanley's now that there's lead in them? Okay. Just checking. Number two. Walmart gift card. Mom. Walmart gift card.
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Actually, I don't think this is the worst gift ever.
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Those pants. I was wearing those yesterday. Those pants are the best fucking cozy house pants I've ever had.
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From Walmart. Not from Lululemon, which also makes a great, of course they do, they're $600 a piece, but also makes a great, you know, sweat pant, whatever you want to call it, lounge pant, whatever you want to call it.
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jogger jogger i'm telling you what those random ass pants i found in a walmart and bum shit south carolina were some of the best pants and i had to work for those because they didn't have many in my size i remember the story yes all right number three socks And this is something that was always in my stocking, always, always, always, was socks.
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Now, if you would have asked me 10 years ago, I would have said, please stop giving me fucking socks. If you ask me now, please give me more socks. I am in love with a cozy pair of socks.
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Ones that do not get holes in them. I'm wearing socks from a company called Clover, which is why they have the Clover on the bottom of them. Yeah, I like that. And they are incredible and they don't ruin. You know, I've bought them from like sock companies that are supposed to be reputable. And then three months later, they have holes in the bottom. And I don't wear socks like I'm not wearing.
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Yeah. Personal hygiene products comes in at number four. Yeah, I guess, you know, I don't need tampons this Christmas. Yeah. That's what you're saying.
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Okay, I think there's a difference between getting like bath bombs and, you know, scented stuff you can like... It's thought out like, you know, here, like one time I got Astrid, we had a, one of those standalone tubs and I got her a thing, like one of those, a tray and some bath bombs and some other stuff that went on there. And I said, Hey, you could go ahead and take your bath.
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Now, little did I know that Astrid hasn't taken a bath in her entire life. Like she doesn't take baths.
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Yeah, no, she doesn't. I think she took like three baths and we had that stand and that standalone tub was beautiful.
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Oh, but she was, she's just not a bath person. Some people aren't, but I thought I tried.
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But after six years of knowing her, I probably should have guessed having never seen her take a bath before.
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A picture frame comes in at number five. Now, yes, an empty picture frame. Yes, totally worthless. Don't get someone an empty picture frame. That's a highly subjective thing to put in someone's house, right?
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On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
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I can roll with that. I guess it's the context also. I'll tell you what we got my mom for Christmas last year. Kevin got it for her, and we've been adding to it. It's one of those digital frames.
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Where you hook it up to the internet. It's got an address, and then you send pictures to it. Yeah. So even though my mom is not mobile, so we can't get her out of the house a lot.
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When we have an event here at the house or we're over at the gym and there's a recital or whatever it is, we can take pictures and then we send it to her so we can say, hey, mom, look on your frame. We've got some new photos. I love it. So I think that was a good present. But an empty frame? Yeah, I don't want that. Ugly Christmas sweater. The very out... I think it's overdone.
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The ugly Christmas sweater thing is overdone. And I don't own ugly Christmas sweaters because anytime I have gotten them as a gift, I just don't wear them.
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Yeah, that's it. Or that same year. Yes. Or I re-gift them.
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Guilty of re-gifting or not re-gifting?
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On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
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Yes. I agree. I've gotten like golf balls that then I re-gift to my brothers or something like that. Well, I guess I'm telling him now. Sorry, guys. I got the golf balls from someone else. I gave them to you. I've regifted a few things, but I do it with intention and love. It's like, oh, I know you would like this much better than I would.
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So I'm going to pretend as if I got this for you, even though someone else got it for me.
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Very specific. But anything from the dollars. Can we talk about the dollar store? You can't give a gift from anything from the dollar store. Can we talk about the neighborhood ruining dollar stores for a second? I mean, these places are absolutely terrible. And despite being a dollar, it saves you no money. They are simply, think about all the extra packaging.
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Think about all the extra things that have to be done to break stuff down into smaller sizes to charge you more money for less product. Think about this. You go to Walmart or Costco, you buy a giant jug of detergent, right? It costs you $25 or whatever. Then you go to the dollar store and it's like $1.99 for the tiniest little thing of detergent or a couple packets of detergent.
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Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. What is it?
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It is so much more expensive. Per item, like per gallon, per fluid ounce, per M&M, whatever it is, to buy that stuff at the dollar store than it is at Walmart. Now, if you only have two bucks on you, I can understand. But they don't pay those people a living wage.
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You know what makes me feel good about society right now? They're closing dollar stores by the minute right now, like the Dollar Generals and the dollar stores, because they just are terrible. Stop the dollar stores. Don't get me anything from the dollar store. Don't want. Thank you anyway. But a candle from the dollar store?
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It's disappointing. It smells terrible. They're bad for you. They don't burn correctly. Like all the chemicals they put in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A keychain comes in at number eight.
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Please don't get me a fucking keychain. Let me get my own keychains. I don't want your keychain. I want my keychain. And I don't wear a keychain. Who wears keychains anymore? Who does this? What's a keychain for? When you're seven and you have a backpack, a keychain makes sense because you collect them on your backpack, right?
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It's some little indication of your individuality when you're a young person. But when you get over the age of 15, do we need keychains anymore? Really? I don't think people have keys anymore. I turn my car on with my phone. Fuck you.
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Five diamond rings. I knew there were rings in there.
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I'm rich. That Hyundai sitting outside doesn't turn itself on. I press a button, ladies. Number nine, and I couldn't agree with this more. Please never do this. We're just talking about this on today's show. A pet for Christmas. Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically. Because Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries... None of it. Don't do it.
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You do not get someone a pet when they do not expect you to get them a pet. That is a terrible fucking idea. They will feel obligated to keep that animal. They probably didn't want in the first place. You want to know why? They didn't have a pet in the first place. If you want a pet, you go get a pet. You don't do that's not something someone does for you. You do it yourself.
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Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the sixth day of Christmas, which would be today on the TCB, there's no 13 days. We're going to make up the 13th day. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Six flying nuns.
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Unless it would be like a pet for the family, you know, a family house where you and your husband or your wife or your whatever have spoken about it at length. You've you're going to surprise the kids with a dog. You know, they're not going to take care of it. So it's your fucking responsibility. OK, got it. Yes, 10-4. 10, a t-shirt. A brand new t-shirt. No. No, don't get a t-shirt for Christmas.
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Unless it's like a really good t-shirt. Yeah, unless it's a really funny t-shirt.
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A good quality one. But don't try and get someone a t-shirt that you think is fashionable.
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No. That's a bad idea. Then you're my mom all the time.
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Number 11. Weight loss programs. No. Weight loss programs.
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I think I could, you know... Listen, my hair is going regardless, right? A weight loss program might indicate that someone else feels you're lazy. You can't take care of your own self.
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That's a terrible gift. That's like getting someone rehab for Christmas. You're an asshole. Go to rehab. Which one time I was in rehab for Christmas.
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Do you remember the time I told you that I was homeless? Like I was living under somebody's porch because my dad kicked me out because I kept bringing strippers home. And so I lived under the porch of the stripper's mom's house while she was cheating on me. Because really, honestly, who's dating the guy under my porch? Yeah. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation.
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So the next step for me, even though at the time I was certainly drinking and drugging, it wasn't like I was a full-blood, you know, I wasn't like had to snort cocaine 24 hours a day or was drinking myself into oblivion every single afternoon. I just was casually doing drugs most of the time.
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But my big out was I had a guy that met me at a coffee house, like an old high school friend met me at a Waffle House, I think it was. And was like, hey, dude, I heard you're having a bit of a problem. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I'd like to call some of my friends and have them meet us here. And they can help you, I think. And I was like, oh, okay, great.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
The people who showed up were people from a rehab program, quote unquote, where they asked me if I was in danger. Did I owe any drug dealers money? Oh, wow. How much alcohol did I drink? I got all of a sudden got roped into like a little cult and they sent me to a halfway house in on Buford Highway, Atlanta. What? Not even kidding. Twelve guys living in a three bedroom apartment.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Four of us per room. We all had to pay rent by going and working day labor jobs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I was there during Christmas. There was no TVs allowed. You could have a CD Walkman. If you had one of those, you could have a CD Walkman or a radio. No televisions allowed. None of that shit. So on Christmas Eve, they rolled in a TV and they played It's a Wonderful Life to basically 16 hardened criminals and Brian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It was the most disturbing Christmas Eve of my life, Chrissy, of my life. Yes. And so rehab for Christmas, not a bad thing. Exercise bike falls right behind weight loss management. Calendars or office supplies. Agree with this 100%. You don't need to get that for somebody. Let them do that on their own. That's a highly personal thing. My wife loves calendars. Loves calendars. Loves them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Six geese a-laying. By the way, what? Six geese a-laying? Only in Old English.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
But you know what? She doesn't want anybody else picking that out for her.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Number 14 is a paperweight. Well, I didn't even know those existed anymore. Do we even use paper anymore? I mean, who's getting a paperweight? Do you have a paperweight? You looked at me like you might have a paperweight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That you use as a paperweight. But a paperweight is like a rock. You know what I'm saying? Like a rock with a place for envelopes that no one gets anymore. I don't know. Cash is number 15.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Hey, listen. I'm saying this moves up to the best gift you could possibly give. This summer and this spring and this fall and this Christmas for the commercial break is cash.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
uh we should start a patreon just so people can tip us you know what i'm saying yeah uh number 16 is self-help books agree with that 100 don't get personal yeah you make people feel like they're being an asshole you know what i'm saying if you give them a self-help book like like how not to be an asshole yeah like maturity 101 yeah relationships for children The five love languages for assholes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Is geese a-laying, geese a-laying an egg?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah, that kind of stuff. And number 17, coming in at the worst gift to give someone. I just forgot it. Cleaning tools. Don't get someone a vacuum for Christmas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
There are some Dysons out there that I would die for.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah. Six geese and a laying. Oh, six geese and a laying. There you go. Six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Listen, the Dysons are like, that's a different story, though. A Dyson is like getting an iPad.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
We have a Dyson, and that thing has like a screen on it that tells you how much shit it's picking up at any given time, and is it max, eco, maximum.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah, Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a vacuum. They did. Yes. Dyson is the apple of vacuums. That is for sure. It's its own ecosystem. You need their chargers. You need whatever. Anyway, I like a good Dyson.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
But don't get me Clorox or, you know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
No, cleaning supplies. Merry Christmas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
All right. TCB podcast.com. That's where you go. More information about the show, all the audio, all the video right there from one location. You can also get your free TCB sticker, or if you need a replacement for your 21 EPM sticker, that's biodegrading right in front of your eyes. Let us know. Go to the Contact Us button, drop-down menu. I want my free sticker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Give us your physical address, and we'll send you that sticker. No muss, no fuss. Also, if you donate to one of the charities we've been talking about in the 12 days of TCB, the National Breast Cancer Coalition, St. Jude's Hospital, and the ASPCA, take a screenshot. Let us know, and we'll send you some free schwag. I'll send you some of that deep schwag. Some of that B-side swag.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Menfo stickers picked up off the ground from Menfo. Touched by Brian's hands. Don't you want that? That's going to be worth money. My fingerprints are on that bitch. Picked up off the ground. Picked up off the ground and mailed back to us by Jeff's partners. I'm not paying to throw these in the dumpster. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, we will take them all. Also, that's where you can send the aforementioned pictures. You can also leave a voicemail there. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we must say, and we do say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video doorbells, cams, and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. What murderous motherfucker decided to write this goddamn torturous song? And now why am I singing it? Because I really don't know the lyrics, and I'm so interested to hear them. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight rocks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think this is some pervert that made this up. Listen to this one. We all know what that is. I mean, if you haven't tried a French hen in bed, then you don't even know. I've been French Hen and Astrid for years. That's how this gringo got Astrid. She was like, what is that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I was like, that is the French Hen.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I hide on you like a little squatting bird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I twaddle my wings as I bounce on top of you. I give myself a blowjob.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It's a French horn. A French hen. Okay, so that's it. So we've got eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, this guy's definitely a pervert. Listen to this one. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Nine strippers dancing, nine ladies dancing, nine ladies dancing. This is a porno song. Nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, six swans a-swimming, six geese getting laid, four golden rings, four calling birds, three French horns, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Now, here we round the corner, and for sure, without any doubt, this is perverted.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, on the tenth day of Christmas, oh, my true love gave to me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Well, I didn't know the 1780s were quite so liberal, but here we go. Ten lords a-leaping. Oh, yep. Lords a-leaping. Oh, if you try a French horn with a lord leaping, if you're a leaping lord that tries a French horn... You're a bottom and you know all about it. All right. Ten lords a-leaping. Nine ladies dancing. Eight maids a-milking. Seven swans a-swimming. Six geese a-laying.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Five golden rings. Four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And a partridge in a pear tree. But on the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me more porno things.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Eleven pipers piping. Laying pipe? Eleven pipers laying pipe. Eleven pipers piping. Ten lords a-leaping. Nine ladies dancing. Eight maids a-milking. Seven swans a-swimming. Six geese a-laying. Five golden rings. Four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And a partridge in a pear tree. All right, well, I guess they have to end. They can't end it in porn, so they go back to something more Christmassy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four golden birds, three French hens, two turtles, a hen, a partridge, and a pear tree. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think that's the first time I've ever sung that song. Ever. Ever. That's the first time I've ever known what's in it. And now I'm realizing half of it is porn.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That's what it is. What's the 13th? Well, okay.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And the 13th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a break from TCB. That's the gift that keeps on coming. 12 drummers drumming, 11 people laying pipe, 10 lords leaping over each other laughing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
nine naked ladies all right okay that's it there's the 12 days of christmas i'm glad you reminded me i remember learning it when i was small but i can't i did not remember everything yeah i remember doing the christmas like recital you know and i i remember little drummer boy became a favorite song of mine because i learned how to play it on the on the what do they call that the The drum?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
No, the accordion. But it's not an accordion. It's like a... Keyboard? Is it a harpoon or a harpen or... Oh, a recorder. A recorder.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Where you press the button and you strum and then it... No, the recorder was the little flute thing. No, okay, that's a different thing. It's a little like... A harpsichord? Maybe it's a harpsichord, but you would just press the button and it would make a key. But it had the names of the keys on it, so it was made for little children to play. It wasn't like some complicated thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It was like you press this button or that button, and then you strum it, and it made a certain noise. And so we learned how to play Little Drummer Boy, which really has one note in it the entire time. I mean, it's not that hard to play. But Little Drummer Boy, what's the best Christmas song, traditional Christmas song?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I don't know if that's a traditional Christmas. Think of like a Judeo-Christian Christmas song.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That's a good one. Good King's a good one. I like that one. I think Little Drummer Boy is my favorite. But then, of course, there's is Ave Maria. Would that be considered a Christmas song? Maybe?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Her name's Ave Maria? Her name is Ave Maria. Really? So you call her Ave or you call her Maria?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
You call her Ave. Wow. That's really intense.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Cuban professional baseball player. Guess I'm not talking about the same one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Hold on. Okay. Give me one second. Christmas song list.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Okay. Let me give you a list of songs. You tell me which one you like the best. You tell me which ones you're partial to. You ready? Sure. Okay. Here we go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole. Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano, which is a favorite around my household.
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Take it from America's most revered messenger. Shorten your cold at the first sign with cold-shortening products from Zycam, the number one cold-shortening brand. Available in stores or see where to buy at Zycam.com. Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Do you hear what I hear? Bing Crosby, which is a great one. Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra. Although I don't really think of Frank as like a Christmas kind of guy. I think more of him is like breaking my legs in a dark alley kind of guy. But okay, here comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry. But Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen, in my opinion, is...
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
If we're really at a Bruce Springsteen show, that goes on for three hours.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Sing it again. Clarence, another saxophone. Santa Claus is coming to town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa Claus is coming to town. New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt. That's a real classic. Do they know it's Christmas?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Wham! Well, I mean, there's the other one by Wham, too. Last Christmas. Last Christmas, which one of my kids is incessantly singing. I love that song. And so the other day he was incessantly singing it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And you have to, if you know me, then you know that if you know me, and that means listen to more than three seconds of the commercial break, then you know I'm a bit of an oddball, a little bit of a goofball. And when I sing songs or I hear them repeatedly, I start making up my own lyrics. Usually those turn into comedy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And usually poop or pee is the first thing I go to because I'm a three-year-old in my mind. So one of my kids goes to the bathroom. He uses the restroom. He comes out of the restroom, and I go, oh, number one or number two? And he's like, oh, it's number two. I go, oh, okay. So he starts singing Last Christmas. I go, last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day you flushed it away.
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This year when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Well, it's the best thing that has happened ever. Like, Dad made up the best song ever, and now he's singing it. Can we make a video? Of course we can. And this is all happening around bath time, right? I have very young children, so I need to help them with bath time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Really do all of it. And it's fun, and we're having fun. This is going on for like 30 minutes. I am embedding this song into his head, into a kid who remembers everything. He's an elephant. He remembers everything. So he runs down to go have dinner. Dinner's on the table. And I'm getting changed, whatever. And all of a sudden I hear, Brian Green! And I'm like, uh-oh.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
She found my Instagram search page. I'm like, uh-oh. And I'm like, what?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And she's like, you cannot be telling these kids these songs. They're going to go to school, and then they're going to get in trouble. Everyone's going to get in trouble.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. He's just fun. So I'm like, listen, kid. this song is for this house and this house only you cannot repeat this so let's just get it out of our head let's sing the regular version which is also a little weird too but okay wham like we're gonna sing wham okay the wham version he says okay so last night as we're going to bed
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
One of my daughters started singing the exact same song to Astrid, and Astrid's like, I told you. They're all going to get kicked out of school.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I'm like, ah, a little pee and a little poo. It's never hurt anybody. I mean, listen, my son will be the hero of his very young age classroom if he sings that song and he does it well. Do you know what I'm saying? I do. For sure. All right. Despite all that we bitch about blue here around the green household, we really are animal lovers.
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Kickstart My Heart!
So let me get this straight, Billy. Yeah. You had hotels that you put on the website that people could go stay at. Somebody called them. They said, we have no idea what you're talking about. First, we're hearing of it. So you terminated your relationship with them.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Such a shit show, performers. What are you going to have, a girl with like a, you know those girls who wear the metal boobs and then they take like a drill to it and make sparks?
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Kickstart My Heart!
Woo, I paid a million dollars. I paid a million dollars for a private plane all the way down.
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Kickstart My Heart!
I imagine the private plane is like the TCB plane. It's like got one wing, one propeller that works. You're not going to get down there in one piece. What are you thinking?
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Kickstart My Heart!
How do you give part of the budget of the festival to restitution?
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Kickstart My Heart!
So you're taking investors' money and you're paying the other people back? It doesn't make any sense. That's a Ponzi scheme. It's a total Ponzi scheme. This guy doesn't know what the fuck he's doing. If you... Listen, in the festival community, Billy's name is Mud. And it's never going to be any better until he partners with a legitimate festival organizer.
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Kickstart My Heart!
And he sits in the background and learns how to do it a couple of times. And then maybe he can do his own festival.
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Kickstart My Heart!
This is a total sham. Yeah. Mempho, produced by Billy McFarlane. Good evening, everybody. Okay. All right. You get the gist of it. He goes on and on. He addresses every point. And it's all bullshit. I have a team down there that doesn't F around. Well, I'm convinced.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Yeah, where are those people and why aren't they talking? Where are those people and why aren't they saying something? And why hasn't anyone knocked on the door of the Cancun mayor's office and said, hey, I'd like to bring 50,000 people down here to have a festival and here's what it's going to do for the community and here's how we're going to work with you.
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Kickstart My Heart!
If they are saying out loud, the government of Cancun is saying, we have no idea what this guy is talking about and it's not happening unless we do, this is Mexico. This ain't Northeast Arkansas where you can just get buddies together and throw up a stage and have a couple beers. This isn't Muddenfest Part 2.
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Kickstart My Heart!
He didn't. No. So what are you going to do? Steph Curry's going to show up and bounce a basketball? What's happening? I'm not paying $1,400 for that. I'm sure Steph is a nice guy. I'm sure he's really talented at basketball. He is, obviously, but I'm not going to pay to watch him bounce a basketball. And unless Steph Curry is spending the night in my hotel room, I'm not paying $1,400.
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Kickstart My Heart!
You should have done this seven months ago, eight months ago, nine a year ago. I mean, we talked about this. Bonnaroo is the gold standard of three-day festivals.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Nothing like having a 24-year-old beautiful nurse shave your hairy, fat chest so she can get the suction cups on. Okay, I get all the suction cups on. And I'm walking out of the place and I notice that under my shirt, it just looks like I... I'm sorry, it looks like I have a bum. That's what it looks like. It looks like I'm in Ireland during the Troubles. And look out. I look like an IRA member.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Yes, because he just screwed like 10,000 people. And it was so bad that the bands didn't even make the flight to go down there.
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Kickstart My Heart!
One of the producers gave a blowjob for water. Or he was going to.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Where's that guy? If that guy's involved, I'll trust it. Maybe. Maybe. Because at least he seemed like he was willing to get shit done. Billy, meanwhile, was with Ja Rule on some pig island or something. Yeah.
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Kickstart My Heart!
international you know Kylie Jenner swimming in a bikini I don't know what was going on it was awful it was terrible it was all hype no substance and this time Billy you gotta be all substance and no hype you just have to put a like every other festival in the world put a website together a really clean website where you don't have to use half of your fucking phone's memory to get it loaded a really clean website that says these three nights these three musicians are headlining here's some supporting acts
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Kickstart My Heart!
It's a reasonable ticket amount. Come have fun down in Cancun. I promise this time it's going off. And these are the people that are handling the money. And these are the people that are going to keep you safe. And here's the local government that we're working with to make sure that everyone gets in and out in an orderly way. All of this other shit is just noise.
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Kickstart My Heart!
And Billy is trying to pull the wool over whose eyes? I don't know. I don't know.
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Kickstart My Heart!
He claims that he's already sold whatever, a Phoenix ticket or a Phoenix fire ticket or whatever it is. Some weird name, Prometheus. Oh, yeah, Prometheus. And Prometheus, isn't he the guy who set the world on fire or something? I think Prometheus, the god that set the world on fire. Anyway, don't buy Fyre Fest 2 tickets.
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Kickstart My Heart!
That's a little piece of advice from your friends here at the commercial break. And if you have, well, shame on you.
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Kickstart My Heart!
I don't think anybody's bought tickets. I really don't. I believe that Billy is in a panic now because this bad press has come out and everyone is saying, no way am I putting $1,400 down. I don't care if you're Elon fucking Musk. $1,400 is $1,400.
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Kickstart My Heart!
And you don't just piss that away because if you buy that, there is zero chance that you will get your money back if shit goes sideways because he doesn't have it. He is desperately trying to collect money so he can put it together.
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Kickstart My Heart!
It really is unbelievable. And shame on anybody who's part, any of these artists or whoever they are, and athletes. And listen, I understand everyone's got to make money and maybe Billy's paying you under the table or whatever's going on. Whatever your deal is personally, or maybe you like Billy as a friend, I'm not sure. But shame on you.
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Kickstart My Heart!
You should also be doing your homework and saying, if this is not really happening, Billy, I cannot have my name on it. Period. End of sentence. Because the thing is, he gets a few famous people involved. Now, all of a sudden, everybody thinks it's legit and they're buying tickets.
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Kickstart My Heart!
That's what happened last time. All of those models went and started swimming in the water.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Cheese sandwiches and muddy tents. They didn't even have tents. They weren't even set up. They were trying to set them up themselves, glamping. It was like... A porta-toilet, a portalette, and a blow-up mattress. That's not glamping. That is regular camping, as far as I'm concerned. All right, well, you get the point. Don't go to Billy's Festival.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Absolutely. Well, this reel was put out over a week ago as we're recording this, and my suspicion is...
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Kickstart My Heart!
it's like radio silence now because now he's really he's really fucked because now to the today show has de-skinned him or skinned him or whatever and uh there's nothing else to do he's not you can't recover from that in two months if you had a year maybe but in two months it's just not gonna happen all right okay let's uh let's take a break and then i don't know what we're gonna talk about we'll figure it out we'll be back
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Kickstart My Heart!
All right. Hey, I wanted to let you I'm going to remind you that Kathleen Madigan was on the show this week. Her fall tour tickets are now available. They're on sale at her website, Kathleen Madigan dot com. I will put a link in the show notes. You can go listen to Tuesday's episode with her. What a great guest. Kathleen Madigan is like.
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Kickstart My Heart!
It's just so familiar that her whole personality is so familiar to me. And it felt like being a family function.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Yeah, she was great. And I hope that she comes back on again. I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around Nate Borgazzi, Ron White. Kathleen Madigan. Who else did she say? She said some other famous person. All playing golf behind her house, like, you know, teeing it up during the pandemic.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Yeah, and fishing. I think that's great. I think it's great. And I went back and looked at her Instagram. You could see pictures of her and Ron and stuff like that. So anyway, KathleenMadigan.com. Go check out her tickets.
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Kickstart My Heart!
She had to turn it off. Yes. So Louis Black. That's so on brand for Louis Black. And I also wanted to give a big shout out to Ari Shafir. Ari, of course, is on his farewell tour, which just means he's taking some time off, probably some well-deserved time. He's taking some time off. He's going away for a year or two and then he'll come back. But he's on his farewell tour right now.
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Kickstart My Heart!
He's swinging through Atlanta this weekend. We're going to go see him. We're really excited about this. I want to thank him very much. He was kind enough to send us some tickets. And then encourage you to go buy some tickets. I can't send you free tickets. I'm sorry. You don't have the kind of clout that TCB has. Huh? All right?
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Kickstart My Heart!
Yeah. You're not bringing in pot brownies. Okay? That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm trying to say. Anyway, Ari Shafir at arishafir.com. You can go and check out his tour tickets are available. Go see Ari and listen to his podcast also. So Kathleen Madigan, Ari, go check that out. There's a very interesting trend that's going on, and I'd like your thoughts on it. Puffy pussy.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. I came in there a little hot. I'm sad.
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I think this seems to me to be a very dangerous thing to do, but what the fuck do I know? I'm not a medical professional, though I did spend the night at a Holiday Inn last night, and I am a Google doctor. I will say that.
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I know all the places to go. I know all the things to look for.
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Yeah, chatty GPT knows all my conditions. It actually knows I'm a hypochondriac. It's like, settle down. You're not sick. Yeah. this is nothing to worry about a couple of I'll share this a couple of When I went through the whole thing with the parathyroid and my calcium levels were through the roof and my parathyroid hormone was through the roof for many, many years and it kind of went unnoticed.
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When I finally got diagnosed that some of the things that I was experiencing, some of the symptoms I was having were due to this high calcium level and the high parathyroid level and the tumor in my throat, the rather large one.
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Um, one of the follow-up items was you got to go see a cardiologist because of course, having that much calcium in your blood for that long could cause damage to your heart. It could be, could collect in your arteries or whatever. You got to go get it checked out just to make sure.
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So I go and, you know, they do an echocardiogram and an EKG and all this, and they say, Hey, listen, you know, your heart looks healthy. Everything looks good. Your blood pressure's a little high, but all right. You know, everything else looking good. Thank God. But then a couple of months later, I start feeling like my heart is skipping a beat, like a palpitation.
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And while I've always had this sensation, like sometimes when I'm laying in bed at night, you know, when everything's quiet, I'll feel my heart skip a beat. I don't know if you've ever felt this.
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But that doesn't stop Brian from completely freaking out about it. Completely freaking out. Because I usually experience it at night, but then all of a sudden I'm experiencing it during the day, it's happening much more frequently, and it's noticeable. And if you've ever felt your heart skip a beat, the thing is, it happens to everybody.
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It's called a PVC, a premature, you know, I don't know, vasectomy... coming. I don't know what it's called. It's called something, PVC. And it happens to everybody. It's just when your heart just, it pumps one extra and it gives you the sensation that your heart has skipped a beat. But this is really not what's happening. It's got an extra beat. So this happens to everybody.
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I'm just getting used to things. It's new in here and I'm getting used to it. I looked last night, I was sitting in this chair and I was doing like some tech checks.
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It's usually represents much less than two or 3% of your total heartbeats over the course of a given period of time. But Brian is freaking out about this so much. I run to the cardiologist and he says, okay, I'm No problem. We know exactly what to do here. We're going to fit you with a heart monitor. For seven days. And I was, I thought to myself, oh, okay, how do you do that? What's that?
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Like you put on a ring or, you know, we're all so used to these gadgets. I'm like, do I have a wearable? Are you going to take my data from? And he's like, well, we actually don't. We have so many of these tests going on that we don't have one available. You got to wait your turn. So come back in a couple of weeks and we'll fit you with it. And I'm thinking, fit me with it.
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He's like, yeah, it's a little thing that goes around your chest. Don't worry. It's fine. You'll be fine. So I go a couple of weeks ago and I'm like, okay, it's my appointment day. And it's been a month since I've been to the doctor. You know, I've been waiting a month for this. And of course, now I'm not experiencing the things that I was experiencing before.
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So it's just like taking your dog to the vet. Everything's wrong with your or your tooth hurts and you get there and it's no longer hurting or whatever you get. So I show up and I this nice young lady and she's got this black box. It looks like a small suitcase. And she's like, OK, I'm fitting you today with a whatever, a heart monitor X220. And I'm like, OK, great. How do we do this?
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It is a full EKG machine that you wear on your body, wires and all. So she is explaining to me this thing as she's taking, unboxing it. And I am thinking to myself, holy shit, that's like 50 feet worth of wires. That's those stickers you got to put on your body. It's the things you got to clip into the stickers. It's the little suction cups that go in.
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I'm like a walking telephone pole, you know, but not the kind here in America, like the kind down in, you know, Argentina where all the wires are coming out of the box. Like people hook up directly to the transformer. You know what I'm saying? They plug stuff in into the transformer.
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Oh my God. Look at the amount of wires. And then it's just a whole mess. It's a whole thing. We really need Odyssey to come in here and clean this shit up for us. That should be in our next contract negotiation. Help us figure out wires in our studio. Because you know that at least half of these don't do anything. No. They're just hanging down, hoping at some day to be useful to somebody.
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It's like, you know, you go to some of those places like the favelas and stuff and people literally run an extension cord and then they cut the extension cord off and they plug it into the transformer themselves. So this lady's taking out all these wires and these suction cups and these stickers, and I'm thinking to myself, holy shit. And she's like, don't work. It's really quite cool.
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They're very small. And I'm thinking to myself, nothing is small about what you're showing me, but okay. It's a machine, I would say, the size of my cell phone. But it's heavier and it's bigger. It's thicker. And it's got one big button in the front of it. And it's got a little small screen. And that big button you're supposed to press anytime you feel that sensation or any sensation.
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Aching, dizziness, confusion, whatever it is. I mean, I don't know how you're confused. You're pressing the button. But okay, you know. You're supposed to press the button and let them know which symptom you're feeling. Meanwhile, 24 hours a day, unless you are showering, you've got to be hooked up to this monitor that then hooks up to this larger clunky thing.
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Or you can wear a small, I would say it's like the size of a key chain. You can put that key chain into one of the suction cups and that acts as like a sixth suction cup. So it's like this confusing mass of wires and machines that you've got to carry around with you at all times. You can't be more than 50 feet from the base station. You have to charge the base station while you're wearing it.
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It's a whole thing. I could do this for at least seven days is what she says. The doctor may want more information, but at least seven days. Chrissy.
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Yeah, I know. That's what I said to her. I said, do I? I've got a ring. Yeah. I've got an Oura ring. Do you want that data?
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Because my Oura ring is this small. And it can tell me whether or not I'm having a good day or a bad day based on every, it can tell me my cardio age, how I slept, whether or not I'm sick. And you're giving me this clunky piece of wiry shit that I got to wear around for seven days. Oh, and by the way, it's being monitored 24 hours a day. It has a cell phone signal.
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And she says, so if anything goes wrong, They're going to call you. And I was like, like wrong, like what? And she's like, do they see anything weird? They're going to give you a call to make sure you're OK. And I thought to myself, well, that's kind of big brotherish. But OK, let's let's get this over with. I'm in this far. I'm in this far.
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So I've got all of these wires that are big and bulky sitting under my shirt. Oh, and by the way, because I have the world's largest amount of chest hair that I have to manage on a daily basis, she can't get the suction cups on, so she's got to take her own razor and shave my chest. Nothing like having a 24-year-old beautiful nurse shave your hairy, fat chest. So she can get the suction cups on.
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Okay, I get all the suction cups on. And I'm walking out of the place, and I notice that under my shirt, it just looks like I – I'm sorry. It looks like I have a bum. That's what it looks like. It looks like I'm in Ireland during the Troubles. And look out. I look like an IRA member.
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But okay, here I am. I'm running around with all these wires sticking under my shirt. So now I got to pick bulky clothing so it doesn't look like I'm about to kill everybody in the place. And I'm walking around. Well, just my luck, on the third day of wearing this, we have to go to a kid's birthday party.
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With all of the people that I know from the school already hate me because of the commercial break. Now I got to go in there and try and explain away all the wires sticking out of my chest. I'm doing the show right now. Yeah. You're on.
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No, that's not a heart monitor. That's seven microphones hooked up to my body.
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And that's probably never going to happen. Sorry, guys. It's probably never going to happen. You're always going to be hanging there doing nothing.
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Every fart, every movement, every burp and palpitation recorded in hi-fi so you can hear it. So I go into this place. This is actually a pretty cool birthday party. Here's the thing.
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I didn't go to the cheese. I wish I had gone to the cheese because the food was really good there. But this was an idea that on paper sounded terrible, but in reality ended up being fantastic.
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So I never know about any of this stuff until like minutes before we're leaving. You know what I'm saying? I just can't remember. I don't keep up with it. It's on the family calendar. I can see it, but whatever. I'll look at it. I'll look at it that day. So Astrid says to me, yeah, we're going to a place that sells – swing sets, and play sets for backyards.
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trampolines okay big you know jungle gyms and uh tree houses and all this we're going to this place that sells it and i thought to myself one of two things either these people are friends with the people who own it and they're allowing us to go in there and hang out or this is the cheapest way to do a birthday party ever just have everybody show up at the place that's meet me there you meet me there and you know hey we're thinking about buying do you mind if i eat my birthday cake here
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Oh, my God. We have more five-hour energies than we know what to do with. If you want a five-hour energy, let us know. We'll send you a few. Thank you to Five Hour Energy, by the way, a sponsor of the show. Love me some five-hour energy. But we have a lot of five-hour energy in here.
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I was so, like, I thought to myself, oh, okay, that's interesting. I've never seen this. Yeah, that's new to me. But we show up. It's, like, in a strip, like, an industrial strip mall or something like that. And I thought, this is, like, really weird. But we walk in, and this place is a wonderland of these huge swing sets, jungle gyms, tree houses. Oh, yeah.
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in-the-ground trampolines, above-the-ground trampolines, all of this stuff indoors. It's kind of cold outside, a little muggy and a little rainy. So we go there, and it's perfect. And you can go on any of them. All the kids just go, and they play on all of these beautiful swing sets and play places and all this other stuff.
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And they rent the place out for a couple hundred dollars an hour on weekends, and you can just go and hang out. Makes sense, I guess.
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And you don't have the place to yourself. There can be people in that are coming to look at the swing sets, but they're bringing their children too. So, you know, there was a couple of people that walked in during that time. But this was the most brilliant idea.
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At the end of the day, it was like really fun for everybody, including me, who's wearing a heart monitor, jumping on the trampoline with the kids.
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I'm like double bouncing these small children and the parents are like... Does he have a bomb in his shirt or what's going on there? I'm sweating profusely because I have a sweater on because I'm trying to cover up the wires. But the entire time, like I know some of these people, the entire time I'm talking to them, all I can see them doing is staring at the wires under my shirt. That's it.
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I mean, it was an interesting afternoon. It was an interesting seven days. And now I have these, like, the skin has been ripped off the places where I had these things because I had to change the stickers every day. And it was just a lot. I'm pressing that button left and right. Anyway, so I go, you know, I get all that done. And the doctor says, well, you had 1,685.
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PVCs while we were doing this, while we were having this. But that represents much less than 1% of the total beats of your heart. So you're in good shape.
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You know, that's one of the, I mean, we don't get a lot of perks for being a middling comedy podcast. It's not like, you know, we get red carpet invitations or anything like that. Huge gift bags. Huge gift bag. No, no, no. None of that stuff. I wish. But what we do get on occasion is our sponsors are nice enough to send us some stuff like Dollar Shave Club.
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Yeah. And I'm like, oh, okay. I guess I'll just have this weird sensation that my heart is stopping every five seconds. No problem, doc. Something you could do about that? And I've learned that there is a procedure. When your heart gets out of whack, when you got like more than 10 or 15% of your beats are like that, there's a couple of procedures they can do.
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One of them is literally shocking it back into rhythm. Stop your heart, start it again. So it gets into rhythm, like into a sinus rhythm. And I thought to myself, oh Lord, don't let that be me. Because knowing me and my wire propensity, it's going to be hooked up the wrong way and it's just going to stop and not start again. Anyway, was going to talk about Puffy Pussy, so let's do that.
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Kickstart My Heart!
So let's talk about Puffy Pussy on the next segment. I'll make you listen to some commercials. I'll make you wait for Puffy Pussy, okay? You're not getting your Puffy Pussy here. No Puffy Tacos here, kids. We'll have to talk about it when we get back.
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All right, Puffy Tacos. That's what we're talking about. Puffy Tacos. So I saw this reel a couple weeks ago. Saw a reel, two ladies talking about their friends had been discussing how they had...
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injectables like in plumpers like lip plumpers butt plumper you know plumpers around your eyes or whatever there are now doctors plastic surgeons types that are injecting that into women's labias to increase the size of their labia and make it look more full more plump more I guess would be the right word to put it.
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And these ladies were explaining that as you get older, the labia loses some elasticity. It loses some of that plumpiness. And when you have children, sometimes they can do damage to the actual labia, not damage, but it just it can stretch it and make it look different and all that other stuff.
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And so they're so they're like, I guess the bottom line was some women are getting these so they can encourage a camel toe because it's not like the inner labia. It's the outer labia. So they're getting these injectables into their outer labia so that they can enhance the camel toe, so to speak. Which is really interesting to me. And I don't know.
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I mean, I don't love the idea of putting something like that so close to something so sensitive, but I don't have one. So I don't know. And if someone could tell me that I could actually see my penis if I plumped it up with something. I might do that. I might do that. I might inject something. And I know that there are guys who do procedures like this to enhance the look of their penis.
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I got a really nice shaving kit from them with a bunch of stuff in it. It was it was a really nice gift, actually. It was very well presented. Very nice gift. But that's one of the very few things that you can like say, oh, that's a perk of being a comedy podcast in the middle of the pack. But 5-Hour Energy was nice enough to send us a bunch of 5-Hour Energy.
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Yes, he's injecting Botox into his penis. And if I'm not mistaken, he has had some kind of filler in there to keep it rigid and firm and all that stuff. Listen, I mean, yeah. Okay. Here's the thing. If you're doing it for you and it's something that you really like the look of your vagina better when it's fuller and it gives that camel toe appearance, God bless you, child.
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This is what I'm thinking is we are going to have these knockoff yahoos.
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Oh, yeah. People have died. They have had all kinds of sicknesses and illnesses because people are taking like common household. They're taking silicone injectable, like the stuff you would put on a crack in your tile. And they are filling people's butts with that stuff. I read an article about a lady who went to one of these knockoff whatever's down in – I think it was Jamaica.
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She was a medical tourist. She went down there. She wanted the big, beautiful butt that Kim Kardashian has ushered in this world of big, beautiful butts. And she went down there to get that – Like, full look. And the guy was taking silicone he bought at Home Depot for tiles.
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And sticking it in her ass. And you know what? It did not end up well for her. Go fucking figure. She ended up in the hospital, all kind of sick, years of treatments. It was really quite this thing because it's not like they can just suck it back out. It floats around your body and your body sucks it up. So that's the only, like...
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And I know that there are medical grade silicone that obviously they've tested and must be approved by if there is an FDA, the FDA. If there's an FDA left, the FDA. You know, it's just so but it's so foreign to me that you would want to like stick that in such a sensitive area. But God bless you.
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I haven't met a vagina that I don't like yet. Haven't met one. There's not one vagina that I've looked at, been around, seen myself where I thought to myself, oh, I don't want to have anything to do with that. Right. I think they're all beautiful in their own way.
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But. You know. It's a trend to get it all freshened up down there, right? To get it high and tight.
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Sage it and clean it with wax. Yeah. It sounds painful. It sounds painful to steam your vagina. But this is the new trend. Puffy pussy is the new trend. And, you know, I think we're going to be hearing a lot more about this in the future. And I'll get it done to mine and I'll let you know when it happens. But basically camel toes are in. Camel toes are in.
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Yeah, like nipples are seeing their moment right now. I think you see that in a lot of fashion. Many, many.
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Yeah, that's Kim Kardashian ushered that in too. And listen, I'm not bothered by a nipple. I don't think there's any reason to be ashamed of a nipple. It's a nipple.
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It's not going to kill anybody. And guys have their shirts off all the time. We see guys' nipples all the time. We have hyper-sexualized women's breasts. And there's like this fantasy fetish. And of course, breasts are awesome also. I haven't met a boob I don't like either, right?
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So I understand there's certain connotations and there's a lot of people who may feel more shy about sharing that message. That nipple with the world?
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But I was looking at Chappelle Roan with a couple of her girlfriends at one of the fashion houses in Milan Fashion Week or whatever. And without exception, there was like four of them sitting in a row. And without exception, each one of them had at least one of their nipples out, like in showing. But I thought it was all tasteful. I thought, oh, okay. All right. You know, there's the nipple.
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You got it flaunting. There it is. Yeah. And I think camel toe, just like the nipple, is the next. We talked about it. We said, hey, listen, going 100% naked to the Grammys, not a fantastic idea, in my opinion. It's all just clickbait bullshit. But... After the nipples out, there's only one other place to go, and that's down south. Penises are seeing their moment.
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We haven't really talked about this yet, but we'll get to it. But we are planning something big for our five years. Yeah, it's unannounced. But for our fifth year anniversary as a podcast, as a middling comedy podcast. We are planning something really big, so stay tuned. Well, we'll throw the name out there and then you guys can kind of figure out what it is. The 12 Hours of TCB.
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We're seeing a lot of full frontal penises on television and prestige TV and movies. And camel toes are seeing their moment also. And if my Instagram is any indication, camel toes are a hot trend right now.
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Yeah. And there's so much camel toe content out there. You would be surprised, Chrissy.
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I am a man. So Instagram has instantaneously served me up every camel toe and nipple that is available on there. And for a platform that says it stays away from sexual content, there sure is a lot of hypersexual content on Instagram. And that's why I say, uh-uh, uh-uh. When my kids, they pick up my phone, they want to play a song on Spotify or whatever.
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And then the other day I found the youngest of them flipping through Instagram. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. My algorithm is not for children. My algorithm is not for children. Whether it's a crazy person talking to themselves about whatever conspiracy theory or Chappelle Roan's nipples out. It's just not for children. And not that I care.
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I don't want my children also to have hangups like I did, like a Catholic, like about every body part that you ever have should be hidden away from the world forever. But at the same. But there's a time and a place where that's appropriate. And there's a time and a place. And especially my daughters. I just want to keep them down in the basement. I just want to keep them down in the basement.
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That's all I want to do. You know, and I say this about plastic surgery and rejuvenation and all that. I think there is taking it too far. I definitely think that's there. And I think we're now seeing that some of the injectables that people put into their faces are not working out long term, especially if they're overdoing it.
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The lip fillers, the cheek fillers, the eyebrow fillers, the forehead fillers.
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Make your own decisions. And if it's for you and you love it. Yeah. Great. I'm all about it. Right. And as long as it and it's not harming anyone else around. Right. Right. You don't do harm to yourself. I don't love the idea, but that's your choice, not mine. And those two girls are a prime example of how it can be overdone real quick. They don't look human anymore. To me, they don't look human.
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But obviously, there are people who are attracted to them. There's lots of men that are attracted to those two two girls. To me, it's way overkill. Those lips are like big hot air balloons and their cheeks are out to here. You can't even see their eyes anymore because they're between the fillers in their forehead and the fillers in their cheeks. They're like, ah, it's just too much.
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And then the boobs and the butt and everything else that's been done. It looks so plastic. Fantastic. But even the cat woman, the lady who had so much plastic surgery to make herself look like a cat, even she was attracting men at her advanced age looking like a weird cat. Honestly, she was somebody was attracted to that look. Somebody felt it. I guess that's a good thing, too.
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Like it goes to show that no matter what you look like. And what you do to yourself and what your personal preferences are with makeup and clothing and styling your hair or whatever. Somebody is going to be into you. Somebody is going to love that look.
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Might not be my thing, but who fucking cares? You know, I'm only one guy. I can only have so many wives. That's it. Okay. Twelve. That's how many wives. According to Job. J-O-B Job. Yes. I just want to make this quick mention and then I'll move on. I promise I'll move on from it. 90 Day Fiancé, brand new season. I'm not watching it with any intent. It's on in the background.
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When I was fixing the studio, it was on in the background. 90 Day Fiancé, they have their first thruple. Their first thruple. So they have two girls, one guy. The girl that the wife that he currently has is Brazilian, I believe. The third person they are bringing into the marriage, the woman, is a stripper from Tijuana. From Tijuana. They're all beautiful. They're all good looking human beings.
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And then I'll let you chew on that until we have all of the details nailed down and we are 100 percent sure that this is actually happening. It's probably best that we just leave it. Probably.
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They're all beautiful. And I am so this is the one storyline where I'm like, OK, I'll pay attention to this story. That's interesting. Yeah. Hey, listen, you throuples are interesting. They're interesting.
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Because, you know, it's going to blow up. Yeah. In the second episode, the lady from Tijuana, the dancer from Tijuana, she meets up with them down in Tijuana. They're all together. They're excited. It's been a long time, all this other stuff. They're in a hot tub, and all of them are talking.
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You got to be so... You got to be like the most... enlightened human being in the world, the most self-aware human being in the world. You got to work on yourself 24 hours a day for that to work out because here's the reality. That's really tough to watch your loved one have sex with someone else, the person that you love. I mean...
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Listen, even after years of marriage, I am still madly in love with my wife, and I just kindly request she doesn't sleep with other men. That's it. I have one request. Just don't sleep with other men. And if you are going to sleep with another man, let me know first so I can figure out a way out of here.
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A lot can happen. Yeah. We're also working on a merch drop and all this other stuff. But I'm reluctant to say any of it.
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It does seem like a lot of effort. Yeah. That Gino and his wife, you know, whatever her name is.
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More power to you. Yeah, more power to you. To each their own. We've always said this, to each their own. I'm not knocking it. I know there's lots of people who try it and who are in it and who like it. But I have had many friends, and I say probably more than five, couples, friends, or not couples anymore, who have tried this.
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And I just got this interpretation that, you know, ménage à trois is... means your relationship is not working because it's always the fix for something and it never fixes anything. It makes things so much more complicated that then it's really hard to unfuck once you start sleeping with other people. And I had a couple that I know, and they're such a beautiful couple.
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Because how many times in our history have we mentioned something that never happened? I mean, we had live shows until hours before we were supposed to be on stage. Until hours before we were supposed to be on stage. That came down to the very last minute. And anyway, I don't want to talk about all the things we haven't done. Let's talk about all the great things we are going to do.
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And I mean physically beautiful and then really sweet with each other. It's like one of those you really hope, you're like rooting for them because they're so sweet to each other. And I will tell you what, They did this for a period of time and came this close to divorcing with children. And everyone was like, no. Yeah. And guess what? They stopped all the, you know, open marriage bullshit.
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And 10 years, nine years on from that, they seemed very happy, very strong. And they will tell you right to your face. It wasn't a great idea. Yeah, we did it. It was part of our relationship, but it wasn't a great idea and it was really hard to navigate. And it was extremely hard to navigate with the children. Like, how do you explain that?
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Yeah, you're like, daddy's going on a date without your mom. Yeah. Daddy's going to get a nut.
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It really, really does. But, if it's for you. If it's for you, if you like that kind of work, yeah, call us, tell us. And then, you know, there's, and then there's this like other version of like open, there are these people who, I don't know how to explain it.
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They're not hippie-ish necessarily, but they are so against any labels or anything that they just float through the world, having mild attachments that can be unattached and then reattached at any moment. And I've never seen that work out either. Like, you know, oh, you know, all the free people.
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And that never works out either because then you're just running through life damaging people's emotions. And that also feels not so great. But again, you know, there are people out there where it works, but they're French people and they're much smarter than us. That's right. They're French. They're much smarter than us. They have much more experience. And that's the way it works out. Yeah.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Look at that show, Sister Wives. It's now Sister Wife. Yeah. It's no longer Sister Wives. It's Sister Wife. It all fell apart over the course of two short years.
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Yeah, they're all on TLC. Turn on TLC. Seeking Sister Wife hasn't had a season in a while, but it was interesting while it was there.
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That had one season. That had one season. They didn't come back. And by the way, very rarely does someone come back for a second season of Seeking Sister Wives.
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Because it doesn't work out. It just doesn't. I guess they move on or they don't want to be filmed. It must be hard to be in that lifestyle. But then on top of that, to have a camera crew following you around, that's extra hard. But there were a few couples that kind of, you know, they seem to have figured it out, at least in front of the cameras. So, I don't know.
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Kickstart My Heart!
I'll tell you one thing we're not going to do. We will not likely be attending the Fyre Fest 2. Because Fyre Fest 2, I don't think it's even happening. I'm going to give you weekly updates on this until it just falls all apart. And right now – so last week I mentioned that Fyre Fest 2 had been announced. They were selling tickets. The lowest price ticket is $1,400.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Here's The Seeking Sister Wife Season 4. All right. Come on. Where is that? All right. Oh, watch The Pit. The Pit is just fantastic, by the way. It's so fucking good. The Pit. The Pit on Max. I'm telling you. I won't disappoint you with this one. Yeah. Unless you don't like blood or bones or guts. In that case, you probably don't watch the pit, I guess. It's hyper-realistic. TCBpodcast.com.
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More information about Chrissy and I. All the audio, all the video right there from one location. TCBpodcast.com. You can also get your free TCB sticker. Hit the contact us button. Drop down menu says, I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we will send you one. No problem. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Text us questions, comments, concerns, content ideas.
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We are taking them all to that phone number. You can also leave us a voicemail if you would like to be the next voice on TCB. Leave us a voicemail. Make it short. Make it sweet. Don't use your name if you don't want us to say your name. Those simple rules. Simple rules, Chrissy. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break.
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For all the episodes, the same on video, the same day they air here on the audio. All right. Well, I guess that's all I can do for today.
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They're doing it a little differently this time. You cannot actually – I mean, I would hope. You would hope. Yeah.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Billy McFarland, who, of course, spent time in jail for defrauding a bunch of people regarding Fyre Fest 1, got out of jail. He owes millions of dollars in restitution to the people who were left high and dry at the last festival. I need to tell you about Fyre Festival. You remember 2020, the whole shit show. Yeah, there's been multiple documentaries made about this.
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Kickstart My Heart!
And if you don't know what Fyre Fest is, then I don't even know why. How did you find a podcast? How did you press play on a podcast? But Billy is at it again. He has announced Fyre Fest 2. It has long been brewing. I know because I told the story about how someone in his organization supposedly, and I think it was true that they were in the organization.
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I think I even talked to Billy on email a few times. But they had been asking for a long time if Billy could come on the show and talk about Fyre Fest 2 or some derivative thereof. And I just decided it wasn't worth the trouble. I didn't want a platform. It wasn't worth the trouble. So Fyre Fest, I know, I'm so glad that I never agreed to that. This is back when we weren't doing interviews either.
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And I'm really glad because the commercial break is not 60 minutes. I mean, we're not even Dave Letterman. We're just like, you know, two buffoons asking people questions. And I think Billy really deserves a treatment, if you know what I mean. A fully vetted interview where all of the tough questions are asked and you hold his feet to the fire. And that's not us because we're too nice for that.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Right. Despite what you might hear on air, we're actually pretty nice people, and we're not interested in de-skinning someone here on the air. Although, if we were going to de-skin somebody, it might be Billy McFarlane.
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Kickstart My Heart!
I don't know. What do I know? That's another reason why I'm probably not best suited for this job. I don't even know the English language all that well. Anyway, Billy has announced Fyre Fest 2. Last week he announced it or the week before. They put a website up. It's in Flash. Did you see it?
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Kickstart My Heart!
Let me share. So he announces this. I go to the website like I'm sure millions and millions of other people did, including people who still owed money by him. And the lowest price ticket is fourteen hundred dollars. The highest price is one million dollars. And for that, you get a private flight to from Miami to Cancun, which is, by the way, like an hour and a half flight.
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Kickstart My Heart!
It's not even like you're flying over to Europe. It's an hour and a half flight. on a private plane that you could probably rent for a hundred thousand or less. You could probably rent it for 50,000. It's eight tickets. And then you get to stay on a yacht, quote unquote, or a villa.
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Kickstart My Heart!
So a couple of things that Billy has done differently this time is he has decided no one can stay actually on the property overnight. There's no camping. You have to go to one of the hotels that is, that are close. There's a couple of problems with all of this that people, you know, it didn't take long to figure out. Number one, He didn't put the actual location of the festival.
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Kickstart My Heart!
He put latitude, longitude, like he did on the last festival that ended up being a private island once owned by, I don't know, Chapo Guzman or something like that. El Chapo. This time he puts the latitude longitude. It is literally in the Gulf of Mexico. Like when you put in the latitude longitude, it's in the Gulf of Mexico. It's not even on land. It's somewhere in the middle of the ocean.
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So not really specific about where this is going to be. He named some hotels that he has relationships with that are going to give discounted, you know, fair or whatever. I mean, fourteen hundred dollars. Nothing is discounted. I'm promising you this. You don't even get a hotel room for fourteen hundred dollars. That's just showing up to the actual festival.
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Kickstart My Heart!
He has not announced one person that's going to be there except for a couple of sports stars that are going to show up. And I'm not going to name them because they probably will change their mind. And I don't know. I don't have anything against them. So some athletes are going to show up. Do you want to go to a festival to see some athletes? Is this the NBA finals or what's going on?
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Kickstart My Heart!
It doesn't make any sense to me. It's incongruent. There's no musicians that I know of that have been slated to play or announced formally. Billy keeps on putting on his stories pictures of these athletes and then just their name. And everyone's assuming that's who's going to show up, but he doesn't really say it out loud because he probably doesn't have a contract with them yet.
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Kickstart My Heart!
He knows he can't do that. So let's say this. There's no one yet playing. There's no location. The people in of Cancun, Mexico, the government there has said no one has asked us to to get a permit for this and they will need one. So as far as we're concerned, it's not happening. It's not going to happen.
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So unless Billy gets his shit together really quick, this is happening in like two months, by the way.
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It's so messy. You don't do any of this like this. You just don't. Unless you're Jam Land Productions, you do not put Fyre Fest together like this. You're asking for trouble.
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First of all, I'd have investors that have cash in an escrow account. I'd have a probably more than one accounting firm that was managing the money. Like, you know, Goldman's. I don't know. I don't know who, but somebody that was announced along with it. Somebody else is managing the money. We are a year out from the festival. This is two months away. He's announcing this. Two months away.
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No acts. No permits. No nothing. So I would have an accounting firm, maybe two, that were handling the money, all of the money. It never touches my hands. I'm not in charge of it. I cannot get anything paid for unless they sign off on it and it's going to the intended purposes. I would have all of the acts booked and paid for so that you know they're showing up.
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And I would make sure that I had every permit that I ever needed in place. And I would try and sell reasonably priced tickets and forget about all this luxury bullshit that is just going to appeal to a few people.
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But those people, if they have any sense in their head, are not going to be spending a million dollars on a private flight in a hotel room that could cost you a total of $100,000 if you did it the best way possible.
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Kickstart My Heart!
Yeah, and give me your credit card information on Billy's website. That's in Flash, by the way. Flash! Who does Flash? So the government says this is not happening. There is no actual location. There are no actual artists that have been announced. And no one is coming forward to say, I'm playing Fyre Fest 2, which you would think they would two months out. But here's the kicker.
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Don't ask me why they invited him on there. But okay. Because it's a story. It's a story. And just like us, they have to kill content.
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He goes on Good Morning America. He does an interview, but the interviewers are prepped. They are ready. They have done their homework. They have called the hotels and the government and they have called the hotels to ask them, are you in fact accepting
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patrons of this festival do you have deals with billy and two of the three hotels that were named on the website as sister hotels people that are doing business with billy say i have no clue what you're talking about yeah none this is a shit show he is history is repeating itself I think Billy is trying to get the money first and put it together backwards.
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You cannot put together a festival for 100 people in two months, let alone 100,000 or whatever Billy's aim is. It is crazy, Billy. Everybody loves a comeback story. You did the crime. You did the time. I don't argue that everybody deserves a second chance. But you can't then just do the same shit you were doing before and telegraphing it. I can't believe the balls on this guy.
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Kickstart My Heart!
So he goes and he does this reel where he's like walking around the streets of Miami or something, addressing all of the things that people have now figured out about this, right? And he combats them point by point.
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But he claims that, you know, they I think the way that the interview was framed is kind of one of these cutaway interviews where they're interviewing him, not live, but they're interviewing him. It's a canned interview. And he's saying one thing. Then they're flashing to the reporter saying something else. Right. Let me. Would you like to hear? It's just terrible. It's just so terrible. Billy.
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Mick Farland. Peter. Okay. You ready for this? Yeah. All right. Listen to this. I'm going to put this up to the speaker here.
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This is why I don't put together festivals, because I can't even remember which television show I've been on.
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That they do name. But that production company has not come forward to confirm that they're part of the festival yet. They don't have it on their website. They don't have it on their social media. And apparently this production company is... legitimate in some people's eyes. But this production company is not owning up to the fact that they are partnering with Billy.
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Now, I think there's silent speaks volumes. They probably do. They probably have said to Billy, if you get your shit together, we will produce this festival, but you need to pay us. You need to get your shit together. And Billy just went ahead and put their name on the website, hoping that things worked out.
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Wedding and A Wetting!
Because I'm not going for those live shows. Okay, I'll give an explanation. While we have just a minute here, I'll give an explanation. We have chosen to press pause on the live shows just for right now. It was... It was a lot when we were planning to do the other shows. And because I don't need to get into like, I don't want to get into everything. I had my surgery. I'm feeling better.
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And I think it's okay just to take a beat here for a second and not go back into a ton of stress and extra work. We just got done with the 38 days of TCB. Yeah. We're planning the next 38 days of TCB. Yeah. And more information on that. It's our fifth year anniversary. There's a lot going on, and it doesn't feel like it's a good idea to throw additional live shows on top of that.
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Yeah, okay. All right. But maybe you don't. It's probably adjunct, but I don't think you know the exact reason. So the girls like to take baths. They're smaller, and the girls love the bath time. I mean, the boys do too, but I tell the boys, I say, you really got to take a shower because you're sitting in your own stink in a bath, essentially. And kids get really dirty.
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Daniel Point, 2027. If our democracy is still around when, you know, we're functioning as a society, Chrissy and I will think about Daniel Point in 2027. All right. I will now finally tell part of the wedding story from Spain when we get back from this break. Why don't we do this? Let's take a short break. I'll regroup, fix a wire I can see, I can hear is causing a problem.
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Last we left off with my conversation about the wedding in Spain, I think I was walking my child through an incredibly rainy night. Remember, I told you that we went to this. So for those of you that don't know, I ended up going to a family, Astrid's family wedding in Spain, which was just incredible. Like the whole scene was incredible. It was in Sevilla.
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So it was in the south of Spain, in the southwest of Spain. Like, literally, you can take a boat over to Africa from close to Sevilla, right? So we go to this, I would call it a rehearsal dinner. I don't think it was really the rehearsal dinner, more like a rehearsal party. And it was in this huge facility sitting on the main river that runs through town.
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This huge event facility, restaurant, whatever, had been cleared out. Absolutely beautiful. Yeah. So the kids were just having a great time as kids do in situations like this. It's way past their bedtime. We're in a completely different time zone. Kids are running all over the place and there's lots of kids. And my kids were just tearing up the place.
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I mean, literally running from one end to the other, driving themselves insane. But the baby, the youngest of them is just a baby. That's what she is. She's less than two years old. She has a schedule. That schedule has now been all kind of fucked up. We've had a long plane flight. We've had a long drive from Madrid. It's a whole thing in a small car. You know, there's nothing big in Spain.
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So my germaphobic nature, I'm passing it along to my children. I'm passing all my anxieties along to my children. I'm keeping therapists in business, okay? So I tell my guys, I say, hey, get in the shower. Wash that dirty ass of yours. Wash your ping-pang and your ching-chang, and let's get it all done.
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In a tunnel. I had to park in a tunnel. But I didn't park in that tunnel. The guy who owned the parking lot. It's like a family-owned business. In Sevilla, if you have ever been, when I say cobblestone streets, I mean cobblestone streets.
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And when I say built for horses, I mean one horse. The body length of the body width of one horse. These buildings are so close to each other. But yet cab drivers go up those streets all the time. The local cab drivers. You know the difference between a local cab driver and a tourist in Sevilla? The tourists get stuck in between two houses. And the cab drivers skillfully maneuver around.
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They know which way the streets go. They know which streets they can go up and down.
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We stayed at an Airbnb. like a rent-a-condo, right? Which was absolutely beautiful, right downtown, courtyard in the middle, just a lovely place. We rented a couple of these for some of the family members, but it was in a Y, like a street that was a Y. It was two streets that came together and then two streets went apart. The building was in the middle.
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Those streets were so thin that on four, not one, four different occasions, I had to look out the window because I heard the sound of...
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Oh, Chrissy, it was crazy. There was this one lady, and I don't know. We didn't talk to her, so I have no idea where she was from. But she was driving like a Volkswagen something, and she was scraping both sides of her car along the brick of the buildings, and she just kept going. She was just determined. You're in it now. The crazy thing is she opened her window to pull in the mirror. What?
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She was doing tens of thousands of dollars of damage to the side of the car, but she had to make sure that the mirror didn't get messed up.
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Oh, this car, yes. I had to take 50 pictures because, you know, when I rented the car, it was a whole thing. I already told the story, but when I rented the car, it didn't work and we needed a bigger car and the girl got the bigger car and she was so sweet about it. But then when she pulled the car up...
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I got out of the car to put one of my children in the car and noticed on the passenger side there was a scrape. I don't mean a scrape. I mean a scratch, probably six inches high along the entire side of the car. And now I know why, because they were in Sevilla trying to navigate around apartment buildings.
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And in Spain, if you have a scratch that is bigger than a nickel, you will be charged for the damage, period and descent. It's not like here in America. You can get scrapes. I think you can total a car here in America. And as long as you opted for insurance, they don't give a shit. It's just part of the game here. But there they take it very seriously. They have rulers.
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And then the girls, they take baths because they refuse to get in the shower unless I drag them in there. So I think to myself, well, there must be a clog down in the drain because when I'm going to wash their hair and I start the water again, it just fills up. It's draining slower than it fills up, and so I'm getting concerned that something's going on down there.
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They will come out and measure to see how big the scratch is.
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I know, because my first time in Spain, I got charged like $3,000 for scrapes on the car that I didn't realize were there and probably were there when I rented the car. But I had no... You know, in America, you don't think about anything like that. You get in the car and you go. You don't fucking worry about scrapes and all that shit. The car is scraped.
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You just take it for granted that the car is fucked up. And if you fuck it up more, it's not really going to matter to the guy at the lot. Anyway, when I get to Sevilla... We had prearranged parking. Astrid smartly prearranged parking two blocks from the condo. So, of course, I got to lug all the luggage up this hill on cobblestone streets.
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But when I pulled into that parking lot, it was down underneath a building in a tunnel. And when I say a tunnel, I mean, think of like...
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picture gladiator the movie where they keep the fighters yeah they keep the tigers waiting yes that's what it looked like and honestly it's probably worse but this was a family-owned place how do we know that because we talked to the owner the second that i pull into this tiny little place There's like 50 cars in this basement. I don't see any place to park.
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And even if I did see a place to park, I wasn't going to be the one. I already knew that I could not maneuver around this parking lot. I understood it. And so did the guy who owned the parking lot. Because when I pulled in, he got out. He got out of his little cubby and he came around and gave me this number. And he said... I'll do it in English because he knew I was a gringo. He already knew.
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He said, I'll do it for you. I said, thanks, man, because I have no fucking clue. So. We go to this rehearsal dinner. Everybody's getting kind of tired. Everything's wrapping up. And some people are going to go off and they're going to party. But not me because we have kids and they've got to get to sleep. And I'm not going to take these kids out to a club. It doesn't matter where they are.
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The kids are an excuse for me to go home and be in my underwear. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm going to go back to that condo and I'm going to watch the rest of Showgun or whatever I'm watching.
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So everyone's standing in a taxi line, waiting for the cabs outside this place, and it's starting to drizzle just a little bit, just a little drizzle. I look at the weather. I see that, you know, it's just a little passing rain shower. There's some rain behind it, but it's just a passing rain shower.
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And I say, don't, there's like, everybody's getting into these Ubers and these taxi cabs, but there they don't have like children's seats. They don't have child seats and you don't have, you know, put them on your lap or whatever. Even though there's some laws around it, when you have an Uber or a cab, you don't necessarily need to do that. So Astrid's like, oh, I'll take these kids.
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You take that kid. You take the baby. I'll take the baby, whatever. I said, you know what? It's only a 15, 20-minute walk. I'm just going to walk. Just let me walk. On the way home, I'll pick up some food at a local Mercado. How's that for your Spanish right there? Stick that in your Funkin' Wagnalls. And so I say, let me go. I'll just take the kid on a walk. It's the middle of the night.
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It's drizzling. I really have no idea where I am. The cobblestone streets are really confusing. I have to go over this bridge over the river. And so the first thing I do is I start walking. I take a left. I'm going over this very large bridge. A lot of people out walking. And within five minutes of starting that walk, it starts to rain. pour.
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But now I'm very concerned about all the plumbing. So I do what I know to do, and that is take a hammer and screw to things and, you know, see if I can get that plug up. Yeah. I don't know. I was just fooling around in there. And it's got one of those like the kind you twist, like the plug that you it's attached and you twist it and push it down and you twist it and pull it up.
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The sky opens up and now I'm pushing a one and a half year old in the middle of the night in Sevilla, Spain. It's a little chilly and now it's pouring down rain and Brian is ultra prepared because I have no umbrella and the stroller has no cover on.
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I'm wearing a three-piece suit. I'm wearing a fucking suit. And nice shoes. Now I'm like, fuck.
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Exactly. Exactly. Not really. Astrid's texting me. She's like, are you sure you don't want us to come pick you up? But Brian, because Brian refuses to be wrong about anything, it's like, nope, it'll pass. I'm just going to stop in that grocery store and stay there. Well, my baby and I stop in that grocery store, to which everybody in the grocery store looks at me like I'm a fucking moron.
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I got a child in a stroller. Everything is sopping wet. There's literally a puddle in the stroller. The baby is swimming in the stroller now. Brian is dripping down wet, full suit on. So what do I do? I take off my jacket and I put it over the child's head. So now I've covered my little baby with a jacket in the store. Yes, the wet jacket in the store.
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The baby's crying because now she's got a jacket over her head. She can't see what's going on. I'm standing at the front of the store.
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I have the jacket over. Well, I thought, I'm going to make a run for it. I look on the weather app. It doesn't look like there's much rain, but it's pouring down rain. So there's like five or six of us that are standing in the store, in the opening of the store, you know, just waiting. And so one of the ladies at the store comes over with a towel.
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I'm standing there. It's pouring down rain. Five minutes goes by. Ten minutes goes by. And now I'm – by the way, now I'm in a square. Like, you know, a square. There are no cars around because we're in a square. It's a pedestrian square. So me and these people are just standing there, and there is a –
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There's a guy, I'm assuming he was Chinese. He was standing next to me. And he starts speaking to me in like broken Spanish, right? And I start speaking to him in broken Spanish. And he says, I think he's saying to me, where are you going? I have an umbrella. I can help you get where you're going.
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OK. Not like a like an independent plug. It's actually attached to the whatever the drain, whatever the fuck that's called. So I unscrew, unscrew, unscrew. I unscrew the drain and I look down there and I can see like something purple down there, but it's a little dark. So I take a screwdriver and I can't even get the screwdriver down there, but it feels spongy.
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Yeah, it was very nice. And I said, sure, I'm going, you know, norte. I'm going north. I'm going up this way.
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Yeah, I really don't, by the way. And when you're in Seville, Google Maps cannot be counted on. Not when you're walking. It's too difficult. It already took us three hours to find the parking lot because Google Maps couldn't tell us. We had to keep on going down one-way streets. We couldn't figure out how to get there. So I say to the guy, I say, yeah, yeah, I'm going this way. I kind of point.
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I'm going north. I'm going norte. And he says, okay, you know, me too is what he said to me. And at least that's what I thought he said to me. So he pops open his umbrella and we're like, vamos. All right, let's go. And he's like holding the umbrella over himself and over the baby. And I'm pushing from behind. And as soon as we get out of the store, he turns right and I turn left.
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Breathing cold. Sopping wet. Everything's wet. I can feel my socks are squishy.
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We get up to the square. We get about halfway home. And I'm like, okay, all right. I submit. Surrender. I submit. I surrender. So I flag down a taxi cab.
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In for a penny, in for a pound. Here we go. It took us another 20 minutes to get home. It did not stop. Get back to the house. It did not stop raining the entire time. By the way, we stopped for groceries at the store that was very close. Very small store. And I just brought in this sopping wet stroller. I'm sopping wet. I'm making a mess through the entire store.
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I'm buying some bread and some mead and, you know, some stuff for the kids to have for breakfast. And I go to put it under the stroller. It's got like one of those, you know, carriers under the stroller, like every stroller does. I go to put it in the stroller and it is just a pool of water. I kind of like kick the water out. The bread is sopping wet by the time we get home. Oh, that poor baby.
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I put her right in a warm bath. So the next night is – the next day is the wedding. The wedding is in the main cathedral in downtown Sevilla, which is – It's a famous cathedral. World famous cathedral. People just, they go to Sevilla just to see the cathedral. It really is beautiful. It's huge. It is like something out of a movie.
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Yeah, it's a place that... The first time I ever went to Spain, my future in-laws at that time, they and my mother-in-laws or my, excuse me, my father-in-law's sister and her husband, they took us on like a 10-day journey around Spain and into the Pyrenees Mountains. And that's when I, that's where I was at the ski chalet playing, you know, home sweet home.
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But when they did, we went and we stayed at decommissioned castles that were sold to a private hotel company in a public-private partnership with the government. And the hotel company made these castles into hotels. There's so many castles. And so many of them were in bad shape because they didn't get taken care of because the families had long since left them. They don't live there anymore.
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So I take the screwdriver and I kind of scrape along the sides. And what do I pull up? 150,000 hair ties is what I pull up. I pulled up an entire ball, and I'm talking like a ball that was like six inches big of hair ties.
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Yeah, all the upkeep and stuff like that. So this is a really good idea that the Spanish government had, and I think it's done throughout Europe now, but we stayed at this series. But anyway, every town that we went to, small and large, almost like without... Without fail, we went to a cathedral in every one of those towns.
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And this would normally, if you told me 10 years ago, Brian, you're going to go to Spain, you're going to take a tour of the cathedrals, I would have been like, the fuck are you talking about? I don't care about the cathedrals. You care about the cathedrals when you get there.
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They're beautiful. The art in them. The history. Yeah, and the history. Forget the religion and all the bad stuff that religion has done. They're just beautiful places. And they're older than dirt. I mean, some of them. So this cathedral is huge. Very famous. I want you to picture three football fields by three football fields. This is how big this cathedral complex is.
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And the inside of the cathedral is almost just as big. But the main cathedral is like, you know, 100 feet in the air, stained glass windows, light coming in. It's just, it's something out of a novel. It's unbelievably amazing. But then they have... A street trolley that rides outside one side of the cathedral, the main entrance.
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There's a street trolley that goes up and down with a road, like the main road through the middle of Sevilla. So we get to the cathedral. Some of my children are going to participate in the wedding. I am really hoping they're going to be on their best behavior. I am hoping this is not the reason that everybody talks about my, you know, I'm hoping they're young. So I'm just praying.
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It's a wild card. It's a wild card. Are they going to behave? Are they going to make noise? Am I going to get them to sit still? Is this baby going to be quiet? You know, I don't know. Well, the answer was no. The baby was not going to be quiet. The baby went apeshit the second that we got there.
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So rather than interrupt everybody's very beautiful wedding, which it was, I, as soon as the bride walked down, I took the baby. I went outside. I put her in the wet stroller and we walked around the cathedral. That's what we did for like the end part of the wedding.
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As the wedding is wrapping up and people are walking outside, I noticed that there's like a little bit of a crowd that's gathering outside of the main entrance. There's like a, I don't know how to explain it. There's a door that the cathedral is raised off the streets.
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So there's like five or six steps that you have to go down to get to the street level where then there's this trolley that goes up and down.
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Okay. So there's people coming outside. They're waiting for the bride and groom, bride and groom taking pictures, all that good stuff. They're standing outside of the main entrance. And all of a sudden, all of these tourists are now taking pictures of everybody dressed in a dress to the nines and their three piece suits and their beautiful dresses.
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And, you know, the kids that are come to flower girls and, you know, some of my kids that people are now starting to take photographs because this is becoming quite a picturesque. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Your hair is everywhere. Remember that Dashboard Conventional song? Your hair is everywhere.
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Hair is everywhere. Between Astrid, the girls, and that fucking dog, that hair is everywhere. Because, of course, we've got to give Blue a bath every 15 seconds because she's a mess, too. That dog. So I've decided. People have written in. People wrote in and they said, hey, listen, go to the vet. There are medications that can help with this.
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And I responded to some of them, listen, I think we've been through all of the medications, but I certainly will go back to the vet and I'll have a conversation with them. The dog is on Prozac, doggy Prozac, low-dose Prozac. And we have it on a pharmacy, like an automated online pharmacy that sends it.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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So the other day, I go to give Blue her medication like I do every night, and there's no more medication. So I tell Astrid, I said, hey, you know, there's no more medicine. She's like, oh, no, we buy it from the pharmacy. I'm like, listen, it's not there. Astrid goes and does a little investigation to find out that the online pharmacy and many pharmacies locally are out of Prozac.
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There's a Prozac shortage. Remember how all the prices were going to go down and everything was going to be available for us? The eggs are $5,000 a dozen and there's no more Prozac for my dog. So things are going really well. So no more Prozac for the dog. So I say, okay, this is it. This is the jumping off point. Let's take Blue off of Prozac, right?
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This is just like Astrid just did this so right. She got together with some of the other moms in the group and they hired a group of babysitters.
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Oh, it was a pro move. As soon as we got there, the kids were like literally whisked away to go play in color and play games. Oh, that's key. Yeah. So Astrid and I had like at least 15 minutes of adult time. Right. We were like so happy. Yeah. We partied. The band was playing. Everybody's dancing. The bride is dancing with everybody. It was really wonderful. I was really happy.
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I was having a good time. We sat down for dinner. It was a multi-course dinner. It was beautiful. It was lovely. I forgot what I had. I think I had steak. It was just delicious. And then after dinner, so now we're probably like four hours into the reception part after dinner is done. Oh, and by the way, the dessert was epic. It was so delicious. I asked for seconds.
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I didn't know some of the people at the table. I stole their dessert when they didn't have it. I said, can I have that? I'm fat and old. I'm American. We're not used to these sizes. I need my belly full. I had a long, wet night last night. Can you help me out? So after all of the dinner festivities are done, They ask everybody to go stand on the stairs to take a picture.
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Stand on the stairs of this house to take a picture. It's this huge stairwell. I'm talking like 10, 15 steps up into this house. And everybody, the entire wedding party, everybody who's there, goes and stands on those steps. And so they have a photographer. The photographer looks like she's about to take a picture. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Chrissy, a horse,
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Like a huge horse with the braided hair, a Spanish horse with the braided hair or Arabian horse, whatever you call them.
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Let's go cold turkey, which I know can be dangerous. I understand we're keeping a close eye on Blue. And here's how I know things are not going so well for Blue. Because every third step in this house, I am stepping in pee. Blue is peeing, literally walking and peeing around the house. And I am absolutely done with it. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm throwing my hands in the air.
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It was like beige almost with dark hooves and dark hair. The hair was braided. The tail was braided. There was a saddle on it. There was a guy dressed like one of the three amigos. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like full. With the gear. Yes. Full Spanish regalia. And that horse comes out and starts dancing flamenco. Not the guy, the horse. The horse is dancing flamenco.
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And the guy is on top of him like... music's playing there's like a speaker playing music and the horse is up on two legs dancing around clapping and clocking around and you know he's and he's making the horse dance on two feet and i'm like what and where in the fuck did i just get dropped what happened here we were at a wedding and now we're at a horse dancing what happened here
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But that wasn't the best part of it. The best part of it was behind the horse, after the horse comes out with the guy on top and does a little number, a lady comes out in her full flamenco. Oh, yeah. And she starts dancing with the horse with the guy on top of it. So now there's this coordinated dance going on with the lady and the horse.
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They're like dancing around each other and she's got the fan and the clackers and the clackers. You know, she's doing this whole number and she's like, you know, seducing the horse with her things and the horse is bowing to her and then up on two legs and then back down. And the guy is, you know, he's got his hands in the air. Chrissy, it was the craziest thing I've ever seen in my entire life.
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I mean, I've seen a lot of animal tricks because, you know, I'm just that kind of sick fuck. But I have never in my life seen a dancing horse like this. It was crazy. He's dancing and spinning and the guy is on top of him. And I don't even know how the guy stayed on top of the horse. And the lady is running around the horse and under his leg.
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And, you know, she's bowing to him and he's bowing to her. It's this whole regalia that's going on right in front of us. God, I love Spain. And there's like 200 of us just mesmerized by what is going on.
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This is like, I don't know whether or not this is like we're being pranked or if this is just one of the coolest things I've seen. Is this traditional wedding fair in Spain? I don't know. Clearly, this is not the first time these people have done this. So this act is somewhere else, like somewhere else they've been practicing this. You know what I'm saying?
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And I was stunned, amazed, quite frankly. This went on for like 15 minutes. They did this whole dance and the guy jumped off the horse and he did a thing with his sombrero. Did they take the pictures? The pictures were taken because the lady was taking the pictures and then all of a sudden the horse came out of nowhere.
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Then all of a sudden you hear galloping like click, click, click, click, click, because it's all cobblestone, you know, it's brick on the floor. So by the time the horse gets there, you already knew that something big was coming out. And so the lady and the guy, and they take some pictures, and away they go.
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And then the second part of the party, now all of a sudden they're cleaning up all of the area around the tent. And they're setting up bars outside. Coffee bar. They're bringing out an espresso machine. They've got a bar outside. And now the house...
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part comes to life there is a dj inside the house the house goes dark neon lights everywhere dancing lights and the second the the last part of the party has officially started which is let's get crunk let's get crazy people now listen i love this wedding so much this wedding was incredible this wedding was incredible now look i'm a man of a certain age i'm not old but i'm not young i'm somewhere in between those two
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I'm making a plea to the gods. Please find me a solution to the craziness that is blue. I can't do it anymore. I don't know what to do.
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And I understand that the people who are getting married are young. They're young people and they're going to party the night away. I'm not going to be at it in a younger age or had I not had children, I might've been right in the mix. Oh, you would have. But I, oh yeah, for sure. But I would have been that drunk idiot.
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Hey, listen, it's all about odds. You got to sign it up.
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Yeah, exactly. At this point, the kids, like now we're talking it's 10, 10, maybe 11 o'clock at night.
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They're just getting going. But my kids have had no sleep. The baby's still up. All the kids are still up. And the babysitters have a clock out time, right? So we already knew that about 11 o'clock, we were going to either have to bring the kids. But surprisingly, the kids went in and they were partying. You know, they do the hora de loca, which is the crazy hour in Venezuela.
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And so in the crazy hour, they bring out all kinds of like props and costumes. And so they have, you know, balloons and toys and... hats. Oh, you know, you went to my wedding, all this different stuff. So the kids got in on the crazy hour and they went crazy, literally.
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Yes. It was very adorable. So now they're in there dancing and partying. I'm in there dancing and partying. Everybody's in there dancing and partying. But about 1130, you know, Astrid and I look at each other and this is like the most difficult part about being a parent. I think you'll appreciate this. You want them to enjoy everything that's going on.
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There is doggy Xanax, but that makes me feel a little bit bad. Like, I know Prozac also has an effect on her brain, but Prozac is like an antidepressant. Xanax is a depressant.
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But you also understand that as the parents in the room, there are consequences to your actions. And the consequences will be that by the time we get them back to the condo, all hell will be breaking loose because they will be tired, they will be hungry again, and... they are going to be fussy, no doubt about it. So when do you call a night a night? And Astrid and I have this debate all the time.
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Astrid errs on the side of, let them party. Let them just party until they fall. And I'm of the mind that we have done that before, and it never works out in our favor. Ever. Ever. Keep them on schedule. Or as close to the schedule as possible. Special events like this, of course, you got to let them party a little bit. You got to let them have some fun. You want them to remember these good times.
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But if you don't get them to bed at some kind of reasonable, like before one in the morning, you are going to be... They're still going to wake up at five in the morning and six in the morning. They're still going to be up. But we are going to suffer the consequences because they're going to be up and fussy and hungry and we're going to be tired and fussy and hungry. So...
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we look at each other and she said what do you want to do and I said I think we gotta call it a night I think we gotta call it a night and then we have this little back and forth like we always do I feel bad because I feel like I'm stepping on you know the fun I feel like I'm being the fun sponge and that's not necessarily my personality and so I but what do you think but what do you think but what do you think I think we should let him stay up okay but I'm just reminding you that last time we did that we ended up with a dirty diaper against the wall you know and kids pulling our hair out
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That 30 minutes made all the difference in the world. The 30 minutes cause sheer terror in the household. Sheer terror. Because those kids, on the way home, went fucking bananas. I rode in the car with my son. Astrid took some of the other kids with her. By the time we all got back to the condo, everybody was screaming bloody murder. Everybody was screaming bloody murder.
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We were trying to get them to do a bath. They wouldn't go into the bath. We're trying to get them to sleep. They don't want to sleep. We're trying to get them to get some food so their bellies are full. Nothing works out. And they still woke up at 6 in the morning. That's the thing. You've got to be careful.
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about keeping those kids up past the prescribed bedtime because you know that the pendulum is going to swing at some point and you better be a parent. It's the tough part about being a parent. All right, listen, I'll talk more about this. That's my fluffy version of it.
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Yeah, I think that might be the solution. Xanax, I'll take the Xanax and we'll let her continue to be crazy. Maybe I'm the one who needs to chill out. I am irritated so much by all the barking. But now Chrissy is irritated by the barking too. Tina's only been here for two days and she's already irritated by Blue.
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I think you might have an invite. You might have an invite.
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Gustavo's wedding right around the corner. What are we going to do, Gustavo? Chrissy's angling for an invite to the wedding. Hey, I gave you my seat, Gustavo. That's it. And I do believe, I do believe, not to put any pressure on any situation, I do believe there is some conversation about doing that wedding in Spain. So there you go.
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Yeah. I know. That's the only thing. It only costs $25,000 with a family of 12.
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You're going to be in there. Oh, they would have loved you. They would have loved you. Everybody loves you. You know how to party. Yeah. And listen, that's not all the nitty gritty details. There's some stuff I'm not going to leave to the imagination. I think there's some funnier stuff. But I really did have a good time. And I don't want to seem ungrateful. It was a lot of fun. A lot of fun.
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The hosts were wonderful. We were taken care of every which way. And the place where we stayed was beautiful. And Sevilla is gorgeous. Put it on the bucket list, kids. Put it on the bucket list. Madrid, Valencia, Sevilla, Barcelona. Valencia. Mallorca. There's my list. There you go. Mallorca's number one.
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If Spain will have us. I think Spain is one of the few places I haven't talked shit about. So there you go. All right. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. As our new voice of God, Rachel, would say. I want to thank Rachel McGrath for being our new voice of God. Thank you for stepping in so quickly and helping us out with the liners. I think we'll keep her.
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Yes. You can text us questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, but better yet, leave us a short voicemail and maybe your voice will be the next one to open up the commercial break episodes. We'd love that. So leave us a voicemail. And if you don't want your name said or, you know, whatever, just make sure you...
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Brian is dripping down wet, full suit on. So what do I do? I take off my jacket and I put it over the child's head. So now I've covered my little baby with a jacket. The wet jacket. Yes, the wet jacket in the store. The baby's crying because now she's got a jacket over her head. She can't see what's going on. I'm standing at the front of the store.
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No one knows. Make it funny like Sid did. Add the commercial break on Instagram, tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there in one location. And youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak for all. All the episodes on video, same day they air here on The Audio. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for right now.
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My friend's getting his hair cut, and then we're going to go to lunch, so we'll be back. Until next time, we always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Even Noemi, who is like the most calm, kind, gentle person you have ever met in your entire life. Like when I say sweet lady, I mean sweet lady.
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What do we do? I don't know. I mean, I throw my hands up in the air at this point. I have no idea what to do.
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The dog seems anxious. Anxious, yes. Extraordinarily anxious. And any time there's any movement of any kind, any talking of any kind, any anticipation that food might be coming, anything, anything a dog would normally... not get so upset about, she just goes on a barking spree or she twists and turns or she jumps on the couch or she runs out in the mud or she shits on the floor.
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It's like she is so anxious. And so we use these pads around the house because, of course, Blue is so crazy that she won't even go outside to go to the bathroom. I mean, sometimes she does. But we tried to housebreak her. And I know that small dogs are hard to housebreak. Like, I also understand that that's just part of the nature of having a small dog. So we put these pads around the house.
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Yeah, we've gone down that road before, too. Nope, no urinary tract infection. It's just a function. It's just a, like a... The causation must be anxiety. It must be some form of anxiety. So what do we do? I don't know. I don't know anymore. I officially throw my hands up in the air to the gods and I say, let what may happen. I'm going to leave the front door open and hope that nothing bad occurs.
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They do. Yeah, they do. And it's a controlled substance. And it's a big deal to get it from... The doctor told me a long time ago when he put her on Prozac. He said, listen, this is one step before we have to get into like super controlled substances like Xanax. And he goes, that is certainly a solution. But just understand that is a depressant.
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It is going to change the dog's personality, no doubt about it. But I think you might be right at this point. It's either the humans or the dog.
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One of us has got to be calm and sane. Like I went and meditated today for the first time in, I don't know, three months. I felt so good after I got back. I come in, I pull up to the house. I'm happy. Go lucky. I'm listening to our podcast and I'm like, yeah, we can be funny at times. I'm so excited about life.
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Hey, we are funny sometimes. I'm feeling kind of optimistic about life. Ah, yeah, maybe eventually we will have listeners. I feel good about myself. I'm like, it's not so bad. 700 episodes in, we can crack a few jokes.
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absolute chaos and there's nobody home but me it's just me and Blue barking incessantly at me about what I don't know I'm like Blue what what do you want what's going on what's in your head the other day she was in here and she was laying down and she was being so sweet and so calm as she can be and so I got down on the floor And I pleaded with her. I said, Blue, I love you. You know I love you.
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I brought you home in my little arms. You tiny little thing fit in one hand. You didn't speak for the first 10 days that we owned you. I did not hear a peep out of that dog. Not one thing. And I said, can we just agree to be friends and to be quiet? Like, I'll be quiet if you could be quiet. I will stop yelling at you if you stop yelling at me.
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Not but two minutes later, she walked out of the room after we had this little moment. After you had the moment. After I had a moment. I have a Disney moment. I'm not projecting a human personality onto this dog. And so I go, oh, well, yeah, you know, I felt good about that. I was like, okay, you know, Blue knows I love her. She heard me. I walk out of the room. I smell shit.
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She's shit in the hallway. She's shit in the hallway. We had a conversation. Wait a second.
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I'll show you what good friends we are. I can't watch TV. Everything's just chaotic right now. The whole situation is chaotic. And so, but anyway, because she gets so messy, we often have to give her baths too. Like there's a lot of baths. And while she doesn't shed, she's a Yorkie, so she doesn't shed. If you put her into a bath, hair will fall off of her. She gets that winter coat sometimes.
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Fake spring is here and it's in full effect. I was talking to somebody else about this. I mean, weather is the lowest form of conversation, but we got seven hours to fill this week. So let's... Let's give ourselves a break. You know, I was talking to somebody who was in Philadelphia, I think, Boston or Philadelphia, and I'm emailing with them.
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And they were explaining to me that it was a balmy 36 degrees up there after they had experienced incredibly cold temperatures for a long time. So he was sharing with me that it's not that bad. Like 36 feels pretty good. And I walked outside with a short-sleeved shirt on. I could have been wearing shorts. One of my kids went to school in shorts the other day. It's fucking February 3rd.
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Yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my best friend and the co-host of this incredibly dumb podcast, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us.
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It's that warm. We call this fake spring in Atlanta. And it'll happen probably two or three weeks before we get to April. We'll have fake spring where it gets really warm. It feels good. You can almost smell the flowers blooming, you know?
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Yeah, they start to bud. You get that smell like the grass starts to like wake up a little bit. So you get that springy smell and it feels really good. You start to think about, you know, where you're going to, which beach you're going to go to.
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Brian's skin starts to turn darker instantaneously. I'm like, ah, I could get in. I don't have to go to the tanning bed. I can just stand out here. I'm feeling good. I look at that pool, which is incredibly clean because I'm not the one cleaning it. I look at that pool and I go, ah. A few more weeks, we'll be out in that pool. And then next week, negative two. It's going to be negative two.
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Two more snow days before it's all over. But it is really, this is what I enjoy about Atlanta. You know, some people like to say, They say, hey, listen, you don't like the weather. Wait a couple of hours and it'll change. It's an old joke. And they say it about San Francisco. They say it about Seattle.
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They say it about almost anywhere that you can say that because the weather is unpredictable by nature. Not even the weathermen get it right. So it's unpredictable by nature. But in Atlanta, it really is true that at this time of year, like during the hardcore winter, winter swings everywhere. In Atlanta. And when it swings in the warm direction, it feels really nice.
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All right. Fuck you. You have too much time on your hands. I can't even think about going to a park and reading a book. I'm meditating and I'm doing it quickly so I can get back to my children. You know what I'm saying? Quick. Meditate. Quick. Think of nothing.
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I was just about to tell the girls here in studio that I avoided yet another plumbing disaster here at the house. The tub was not draining in my house. And I was getting concerned about this. It was like draining slower and slower.
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I'm thinking about it quickly. I'm thinking about nothing quickly because I know I got something else to do. That's the problem with having kids is there's never not something to do. There's never an empty space. There's never a dead moment. It's always filled by some activity. So when you do get a chance to do things like go meditate, you really do have a stack of things behind your mind.
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It's like, which bill did I pay? What time am I to pick the kids up from school? Who's going to be sick tomorrow? Where did blue shit in the house, which I know I'm going to come home to. But I do agree with you. It is one of the nicer weeks that we've seen in Atlanta in a long time. It was very cold here. Yeah, I just, I've said this a lot. I just don't care for the cold weather. I did my time.
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I put it, I served my time in Chicago for the first 12 years of my life. And 12 winters in Chicago is enough for anybody. I'm done with it.
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Yeah, I took to the warm weather like a person who had been born in Florida, honestly. Yeah. I wish I could live in Florida, but it's not a great state to live in.
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Wedding and A Wetting!
We wrote it in the notebook and that's what happened. More information to follow in the fall.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And we're over there, and everyone is charged up. And we meet in the parking lot, and I'm like, and Raphael's behind me. He's like, fucking kick his ass, man. Fucking get him, dude. Swing first. You got to go right for his head. Swing first. Get him. Get him. Get that $100 back. Get the $100. And we're all, and by the way, everyone's lambasted. We're all fucking shit.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yes. It's like two in the morning. So we get over there. We're out in the parking lot. I will never forget this. And I say, where's our fucking money, Eric? And he goes, I don't know. I got robbed. And that's how it is. And you're not fucking getting $100 because I don't have it. And I said, well, if you don't give us our $100 back or our product right now, I'm going to kick your fucking ass.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And he pulled out a knife. And I ran. And I ran. I ran across the street back to the bar. Raphael's like, what are you doing? What are you doing? You got to kick his ass. And I'm like, I'm not going to kick his ass. He's got a knife. And he's like, don't worry about the knife. Fucking grab the knife out of his hand. I've got your back. And I'm like, then you hit him.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on this 3,000th episode of the commercial break. I really appreciate it. In case you haven't heard, I want to say it right at the top of the show, and then I'll shut up until the next episode of the commercial break. 12 hours of TCB, May 31st. That's the Saturday market calendars, kids.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And he's like, I don't want to hit him. Everyone's yelling and screaming at each other. So now I'm the big asshole because I decided not to fight the guy with the knife. And Raphael has relentlessly bullied me about this since the night that it happened. You should have kicked Eric's ass. You should have kicked that guy's ass. Relentlessly bullied me about it. And you know what?
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I think he's right. I think even though that guy had a knife, I think I should have found a way to kick his ass. Because Eric continued to be an asshole and continued to be a crackhead and scam people's money. A crackhead's a crackhead. They're going to take your money. I should have learned that lesson a long time ago.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
But at the end of the day, like, I kind of pussied out in the whole situation. Not only did I not fight him, but I ran away from him. I ran across the street away from him. So big Irish tough guy decided to run. Now, in the moment, I think I felt my life was threatened. He had a knife. It wasn't a particularly big knife, but it was a knife.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yeah. Yeah. It was like one of those. It was a flip one. Right. It was like a flip. It was like a small hunting knife.
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Or like a bread knife for, you know, the bread. I don't know what it was for, but I saw the silver and I headed out and Raphael has busted my balls ever since about this ever since. They're not a probably two conversations that go by when and if Raphael's at least three beers in him, he's going to mention that I should have kicked Eric's ass. Yeah.
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He has relentlessly bullied me about this forever and ever. He roasts me about it all the time. And he's probably right. And because he's probably right, and because I like the good nature of the rib, I love him. I love him because I'm a pussy and I didn't, you know, kick Eric's ass. And so at the end of the day, A little good, hard love every once in a while.
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A little good, tough love where people are poking at you and they're telling you the truth in a way that feels funny or satirical or sarcastic. I think it makes for good times. That's what I got to say.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I think this article that I read is so fucking true, is that if you can get with your buddies and you guys can tell each other like it is, but have a little laugh at the same time, you're going to be friends for a long time.
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I'm going to have to scan. You should have gone to the roast, Chrissy. You should have gone to the roast.
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No, there's no. Oh, trust me. I'm sure you have a lot of roast material. I'm sure it's in your brain somewhere. We're not friends for this long and there's not at least 10 things on your list where you're like, what a fucking dick. But I'm not suggesting that you roast me. I'm just sharing this, you know.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yeah, this little thing. And, you know, if you want to, we can take some LSD and I can fuck with you. That was the other thing that a lot of my friends did.
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We have. That's true. We have. But never LSD. Never LSD or ayahuasca. I mean, ayahuasca I put in a different category of things to do. That's not like, you know, haha giggles on a Friday night. That's. No, that's not. Yeah, it's like get the therapist involved kind of thing. I want to know how my friend did on the hero dose.
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She called me over the weekend, as she often does. She'll call me on the weekend when she's driving up, you know, outside the perimeter to do something. She'll call and check in and tell me how funny the show is. That's why I answer the phone because she always says how funny our show is. And that makes me, that gives me a tickle in my pickle. So,
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Celebrities, fun and games, probably Chrissy and I sleeping a little bit on air, or the opposite, we'll be high on some kind of, you know, Colombian marching powder that keeps us going throughout the day, or five-hour energy. We have plenty of that, Chrissy.
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But I'll get an update and I'll let you know how the hero goes. Please do. But anyway, I love you. We should have done the roast. I should have kicked that guy's ass. I love you too. Yeah. Okay. We'll be back with more shenanigans.
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Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. Okay, I have a question for the listeners out there, and I know I'll probably get a lot of feedback about this.
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I mean, I'm eyeing that five-hour energy right now. I'm like, well, it's not good for my heart. But, you know, you only live once. Twelve hours of TCB celebrating five years of the commercial. Five years of the commercial.
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True or not true statement I'm about to make. Everybody in your particular town has all of a sudden become a student driver. Oh, my God.
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It's a lone old woman or single human. Yes. Or clearly someone who should have been driving most of their life.
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Appa to driving school on the side of the car. There'd be a big yellow sign on top of it. You'd know clearly that this sometimes even two extra like, you know, red lights sitting on the back of the car, like hooked up through the, you know, you know, the crappy civic with the two extra lights.
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The guy's making extra money on the weekend teaching driving or whatever that it used to be clearly identified. But now, at least where we live in Atlanta, we've talked about this with a lot of people.
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It appears that every fourth car is now a student driver because they are putting bumper stickers on the back of their car that either say, please be patient, learning to drive, or student driver in a big yellow bumper sticker that they have attached to their car, magnet, whatever.
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You know what? I thought about that. I know you might be right. I thought about that, and I looked it up, and I don't see... There is a band named Student Driver, but they don't seem to be like... They don't seem to be so popular to be Taylor Swift level to get that kind of attention on the back of a car. I mean, every fucking fourth car, it says student driver.
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It's hard to wrap your head around. It is. How long this has been going on. It feels in a lot of ways like yesterday. And in some ways it feels very much not like yesterday. I completely agree. We've been doing this for a lot longer.
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So now I did a little informal experiment, a little control and a little, you know, a little control and a little what do you call it? Test. Test skirt. I drove to both schools that my children go to, and that happens one hour after the other, one at eight, one at nine. And I drove them to school, and I would say it's a five-mile round trip to each school.
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So we're talking about 10 total miles that I'm driving. And I saw seven, seven student driver cars. Stickers on the back of cars. That is an insane amount of cars to see. And I'm driving like side streets, not highways. So I'm getting stuck behind cars or see cars at a stoplight or whatever that have student driver on the back of them.
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Just because you're a poor fucking driver does not mean you get the right to put student driver on the back of your car. What that does mean is you should take lessons. But if you've been driving for more than a year, you are no longer a student driver, and I don't want you to use that student driver sticker. because it gives inappropriate attention to your piss-poor driving.
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And if you think for one second that I'm going to excuse you because you put a sticker on the back of your car and you're driving 22 miles per hour in a 45-mile-per-hour lane, no siree-bah. Enough!
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We all are going around lying to each other, pretending that shit is one way when it really isn't, so that we can get the empathy or sympathy of others on the road when the fact is you shouldn't have a license in the first place because you don't know how to drive.
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Student driver. F-U, student driver. F-U. That's what I'm going to put. F you, student driver. This is a trend that has taken hold, and I don't get it because I don't know. But when I was a student driver, like when I had my learner's permit, I think I knew a collective three other human beings who had their learner's permit.
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Yeah, well, I mean, when you're this deep in, it's all-consuming. That's all I remember is the commercial break. I don't even remember which other jobs I had, if I'm being completely honest with you.
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I, it's impossible that every fourth car on the road has their learner's permit or is within the first year of driving. Here's the thing. So, and this is what really got me set off. This is a couple of months ago. I've been waiting to talk about this for months.
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Fuck no. I mean, I think my dad probably would have wanted to do it. But two things. He was way too precious about his vehicle to be putting a sticker on the back of the car. Bumper stickers were a no-no in my house and continue to be a no-no in my house. Like my kids always want to put a sticker on. I'm like, do you know how fucking trashy? I mean, do you know how trashy that is?
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And then people send us pictures with their TCB sticker on the back. TCB is okay. No. So I... A couple of months ago, I'm driving here in the back roads north of Atlanta. And, you know, I've gotten really a lot better about my road. I don't call it road rage. I call it road irritation about my road irritation.
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Yeah, well, and I'll take it because it's true. But I slow down. I give people some space and some grace and understand that they just might be going through something. However, if I see someone that is purposefully driving like an idiot, like they're like they're on their phone, FaceTiming somebody. That's a whole different animal altogether.
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So I am driving in the back roads and I'm on my way to Starbucks. I'm driving the back roads and there is a person in a very nice BMW, like brand new BMW. These are like 80, $90,000 cars. Big old student driver on the back. So I'm already irritated. I'm already irritated that anybody would give a student driver a $90,000 car. That's a dumb thing to do.
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I don't care how much money you have to throw in the trash. I don't care if you're Elon fucking Musk. You give a clunker to a student driver.
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until they learn how to drive, or until they deserve to have a $90,000 car. Giving your 16-year-old kid or 17-year-old kid or 18-year-old kid or any kid a $90,000 car is a clear indication that your head is screwed on improperly. I'm just sharing that with you right now. So I'm behind this car, and they are going 22 miles per hour in a 45,000.
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And so now I for about a mile, I'm like, OK, all right, Brian, speed it up here. Give him 100 feet. Chill out, you know. But, you know, I start to get a little twitchy at like mile number one point five because now I'm now there's a line of cars behind me. And there's a guy behind me who's Brian Green number two.
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So much. in such a short period of time. And it's been the longest five years of my life and the shortest five years of my life. I've had multiple children. I mean, it's just like, we could go on and on and we will go on and on on the 12 hours. We'll have a lot to discuss. We'll be reviewing the five years of the commercial break, talking about some of our favorite, uh,
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He's like, you know, he's swerving to the left, swerving to the right, right up on my ass. And I'm like, hey, bro, don't get at me.
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And I'm not getting any closer because I don't know what's going on there. But I start to edge a little closer. And as I edge a little closer, I can see through the back window that they have one of those suction cups holders on their thing. And I can see that there is a video playing on the phone, a video or a FaceTime call. And I'm like, okay. You got to be kidding me.
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You got to be kidding me that this person is watching a video or making a FaceTime call while not paying attention to anything that's going on. And by the way, she, who I learned later is a she, she is kind of swerving around, like almost hits a mailbox over on the other side of the road, hitting the brake. Oh. You know the people that drive with two feet? Yes.
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My mom drives with two feet and it drives me crazy. She drives with two feet. She hits the brake and the accelerator at the exact same time.
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I know. And my mom claims that's how she learned to drive. And I'm like, no one in their right mind would teach you how to drive like that, mom. That's crazy. I knew your father. He was an FBI. Like, this guy did not drive like that. I'm sure of it. So... I get stuck for like four and a half miles. She's taking every turn I need to take. She's driving every place I need to drive.
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And wouldn't you fucking know it, she pulls into the Starbucks. And I don't have time to go into the Starbucks. One of the few times I'm going to run through the drive-thru. So I go behind her in the drive-thru, and now she's got her window rolled down, and I can see through her rearview mirror that she is, in fact, on a FaceTime call or a video call.
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I don't know which one it is, but she's on a video call. It's a huge line at Starbucks for the drive-thru, and as people are pulling up, she's not pulling up. It's taking her, like, minutes to realize that people are moving, and so I just give her a little love tap.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And she goes like this. like waved me off through her window. Wow. And I was like, oh.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
She's at the, oh, no. Now I'm full on road rage. Now I'm pissed. I'm like, okay, lady, all right. She gets up to the speaker. She's taking her dear sweet time. She's asking the person on the phone. I can hear this all going on. She's asking the person on the phone what they want. She's ordering 10 different coffees, 30 different ways, whatever.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
So we get out and she pulls up and she pays and this whole thing takes like 15 minutes. It's like incredibly frustrating. I should have gone in because now I'm like late anyway. Right. she pulls to the end of the drive through to the stop sign to get out of the parking lot. And she stops at the stop sign. There's only, there's only two people.
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Only two cars can fit in that entrance, one going in and one going out. And she stops and she picks up her phone and now she's texting or, or writing an email on her phone and she's not going. And so I sit there for a minute and I give her a little love time and she goes, she weighs me off again. Um, And I open the window and I go, you got to go. I can't fit around you.
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And she waves me off a third time. And now there's a guy behind me. And he's like, meh. This guy's really pissed. And you know what she does? She puts on her blinkers. Like her hazard? Yes, like her hazard. And goes swerve around. Well, there's a guy behind me. I'm behind her. And now there's a person in the drive-thru. So none of us can go because she's sitting there. So now I'm like... Yeah.
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segments, content, guests, and all that other stuff. Celebrity guests will be here, and we'll do it all for a good cause, Chrissy, as we celebrate National Mental Health Awareness Month, which is May, and of course, just like us, we're waiting until the very last day of May to do it. In support with our good friends at Odyssey, Covert Creative, and CTV.
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I'm just laying on the horn. And then I stop and I go, we cannot get around you. Pull into the parking lot. And she goes, go around me. I'm busy. So I literally am stuck. I cannot go backwards. I cannot go forwards. Now there's a traffic jam. So I get out of my car because now I'm like, I'm going to have to explain to this lady and I hope that she doesn't shoot me.
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So more information to follow on all that jazz. I don't want to get you mucked up in the details. We're still a couple months away from that. But I thought I'd let you know. Because, you know, you're going to have to pack a lunch. This is going to be a long one. 12 episodes, 12 hours, one day. We actually had to contact Apple and Spotify.
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We had to contact them and let them know that, no, that's not fake traffic. That's just us being ridiculous. And they said, okay, this one time we'll allow you to do it, TCB. And we said, thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I learned that, interestingly enough, I was thinking about you when I learned this.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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I was this many days old when I learned that friends who roast each other tend to be friends for longer and tend to be more satisfied with their friendship. The strongest connections that we make are with the people who give us the hardest time, like roasting each other. And so it made me think about that time that Brian Moses, who you barely remember, but I can kind of remember him.
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For a year, because I kind of took this keen interest in this one particular hour-long special that I watched, and I knew someone who was a big Thomas Kinkade collector, bought into the whole thing. A neighbor that I had in Chicago had a lot of these paintings.
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Oh, really? Very interesting. Okay. So I lived next door to someone or down the street from someone who essentially had the same thing in their house and they adored these things. They were like precious. They would show them to us and tell us the story about how they got them or what it means or who this guy is and, you know, the word of the Lord and all this other stuff.
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The word of the Lord. Yes. I hate when people say that, the word of the Lord. Like you heard him say anything. All right. Okay. So there had been rumors, I read a number of years ago, that Thomas Kinkade had was actually a really fantastic artist, but he did not always paint all these lovely Lord of the Light type paintings. But sometimes he painted some really disturbing, dark, weird shit.
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Brian Moses invited us out to do the roast battle out in L.A. He does it with Jeffrey Ross and that whole ragtag group that's doing Kill Tony, which is now on Netflix. Kill Tony is on Netflix.
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But then it was all locked away in a vault. But no one ever found the vault to get into the vault or whatever the story was because it's kind of like Al Capone's vault, right? It was like stuffed away somewhere in a secret location that no one ever knew about. So it's like this nebulous thing. In this documentary, apparently... They find the vault? They open the vault. Oh.
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And they get access to this collection of paintings that was very much not what Thomas Kinkade supposedly was all about. And I think this proves once and for all that Thomas Kinkade was maybe the ultimate art troll ever. More than Banksy... more than Andy Kaufman, Thomas Kinkade. Why?
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Because yeah, Banksy's made a lot of money and everybody fiends for a Banksy, but you're in on the joke with Banksy, right? He's making this art to blow up or, you know, on the side of a wall, some random Italian town or whatever. Thomas Kinkade had the, he took it all the way. He took it all the way. He made billions of dollars.
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His company made billions of dollars selling these rather like kind of, you know, ho-hum paintings to unassuming people. He took it all the way. And until the last dying breath of the Thomas Kinkade phenomenon, everyone who loved Thomas Kinkade believed that Thomas Kinkade was a certain way... A wholesome guy. Yes, when in fact...
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He was getting lap dances and hand shandies by night, snorting coke off strippers' asses while you were staring at his Thomas Kinkade painting, wondering what the word of the Lord is. Unbelievable. He gotcha.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I think this might be one of the most underrated stories about a troll or a performance artist ever. And I cannot wait to see this movie. And there's like one trailer out there in the universe. And they have an Instagram page with a couple videos. But it's just more like splicing the trailer up in different ways. There's not a lot of people following this page.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yeah. OK, I'll just I'll leave. I'll leave it there anyway. OK. Remind me of that time that he invited us out there. And both of us, I think, were a little bit gun shy. You were more gun shy than I was. I was like, it's OK. We'll go up there. I was offering us to, you know, he's like, just do three minutes. We'll give you coaches. You guys can write these jokes.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
But I think this is going to be one of those. I mean, to me, at least, this is going to be one of those stories that I love to dig into. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Because I love the thought. I like my neighbor in Chicago, but it's been many years since I've seen her. I love the thought that she just bought into this whole milk. And honestly, it was 2% with some cocaine in it.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
They don't show it in the trailer, but they show an iPad with pictures or like photographs of stuff in the vault to people who knew Thomas Kinkade or studied Thomas Kinkade or whatever. And the expression on those people's faces is like... Like, whoa, like, you know, completely aghast at what they saw.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And so apparently this stuff is really dark and like, you know, maybe disturbing in a lot of ways. Like, I mean, I imagine it's like, you know, S&M type stuff.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I don't know what I imagine, you know, death and destruction or whatever. I can't wait to see it. I'm so excited about it.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I know. We should like, I mean, it'll be a long time before we'll be able to, a little viewing party here. It'll be a long time.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Oh God, I can't wait. I'm just like super excited. I don't know. Just that one hour of television so many years back got me so interested in the Thomas Kinkade story. And then, you know, occasionally I'll read something about Thomas Kinkade and I'll be like, oh, yeah, something's going to leak out of it.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
You know, this whole thing came crashing down, by the way, for Thomas Kinkade, like Beanie Babies and everything else in the life. You know, it's hot. It's not good. Something happens. Thomas Kinkade went through a series of scandals, I believe, and that kind of destroyed his reputation. But this takes it even further.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Like this gets to the root of the matter, which is he really was scamming us all in a way where he was, I think, going to bed at night laughing to himself. Like, I can't believe I pulled this off. This is amazing. Right. Like Andy Kaufman, the wrestler. Do you know what I'm saying? Like no one could ever figure out if Andy Kaufman wanted to be a wrestler. Was he a wrestler?
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Did he actually wrestle? No one could ever figure out if he was. What was that character that he played? Do you remember? Oh, yeah. It's right at the tip of my tongue. Not Leon, but.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yeah. Someone like that. Andy Kaufman. And you have to have your head directly up your butthole not to know this. But Andy Kaufman was a performance artist. One of the best comedians of all time. Certainly one of the most shocking comedians of all time. He had a...
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
character that Tony Tony something that would come out and Tony was like a lounge singer but he was a shocking lounge singer he would come out with like half naked women he would sing dirty songs and so many people believed that that was Andy Kaufman yeah Tony Clifton Tony Clifton that he would dress up because it was clearly makeup like you could see that it was like a prosthesis he was wearing on his face so many people thought that's Andy doing the joke
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
You can be in total control of which ones you do and which ones you don't do. And I thought to myself, we should revisit that because we are best friends. We are. And maybe a little roasting is what this relationship needs. Just get it out in the open. Spice it up a little bit. Either make us friends or come to a natural conclusion of the commercial break. Yeah, exactly. A natural conclusion.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
But... sometimes Andy and Tony Clifton would be in the same place and people would see him in the same place. Tony over there, Andy over there. And people were like, wait, I thought you were Tony. And he's like, I don't know what you're fucking talking about. Tony was like Andy's manager, quote unquote, who was also a lounge singer. It was like this whole routine.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
But Andy found ways to continue to fuck people over and mess with their mind. It was like a magic trick of hilarity that he loved. And I thought it was brilliant. I really did. I think it's so I think it's so much fun. And the thought that Thomas did this, but got away with it? Like everyone's serious? Andy Kaufman, okay, he's got someone else dressed up as Tony Clifton today.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Thomas Kinkade, no one suspected. No one suspected. But long before the internet, long before you could Google or there were cell phones in everybody's hands taking pictures.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Disney, Universal, on and on and on and on and on. He painted some of the most precious brands for some of the most precious brands in the world. And they didn't know that he was, in fact, just a sleazy artist. who is a good artist, good artist, no doubt about it. He certainly had a talent for painting, but I can't wait. I want to wrap it up. I want to piece it all together.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I want to see the end of this story. I'm living long enough to see the end of the Thomas Kinkade story.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
That makes me happy. Yeah, we'll have a viewing. I don't know when, and I don't know if that's legal, but maybe I should reach out to the people who made the movie and say, I'd really like to talk about this movie on air.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Can I get a viewer? And to which they'll say, who? Who? Well, it's your old friends at TCB. And for the 33 hours of TCB, we'd like to talk about the Thomas Kinkade documentary.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
It was interesting. It was interesting. The theater was interesting. The people in the theater were interesting. The few of us that there was. The security guard keeping an eye on me was interesting. It was all very interesting. And the movie itself was not interesting. That's right. I'm sorry.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Borderlands was not a good movie, and I think it's universally agreed upon, including some of the people who made the movie. They just don't like it. They tried, but it was just too weird and choppy. Whatever. If you're one of those people who knows about Borderlands and you watched Borderlands, I'm not saying anything sacrilegious. You understand. It was a really bad movie. But...
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Nonetheless, great actors and actresses in it. And our friend Gina Gershon was in it. That's right. Jack Black, Kevin Hart.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
A video game. A very popular video game. Like a very popular video game. But there are so many problems making a video game into a movie. This is like notoriously a hard thing to do. And they didn't get it right on this one either. all right you student drivers out there look out brian's coming for you i'm giving you no grace student drivers i'm on to you i see you you inconsiderate selfish pricks
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I know. One of the two. But I was thinking back on like all of my friendships, all the friendships I've had throughout the years. And I think it's true. I think the friends that I've had for the longest, sans you, because I think we have a little bit of a different relationship. We don't roast each other a whole bunch. I mean, we have fun here in the studio.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
No, I'm kidding. If you're a student driver and you want to denote that so we all take care around you, then do it. But don't put a student driver. Why would you put a student driver sticker on the back of your car if you're not a student driver? To me, it makes no sense. I don't understand.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
The only thing I can think of is that you're a bad driver and you want people to give you a little bit of room.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
That's right. TCBpodcast.com, 212-433-3TCB. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram and YouTube.com. Slash The Commercial Break. For all the episodes the same day they air here. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. Thanks. I'll tell you that I love you. I'll say best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yeah, we rib. But it's not, it's not a, I wouldn't call it like a serious roasting. We never like get under each other's skin or try and, You know, poke at our insecurities. Yeah, no busting balls. But I do... Some of my other best friends that I've had are friends that I consider good friends. We really do give each other a hard time.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I think about Raphael or my brothers or, you know, some people that I'm maybe not as close with now, but back then. And they would just go at me. And I... hated it with every fiber of my being. Right. But for some reason, it endured me to them. Like, I liked the fact that they would roast me. Let me give you an example. This weekend, there was a big party.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
So those who have listened to the commercial break know that I'm married to a Venezuelan woman. And how I met that Venezuelan woman was through my Venezuelan best friend and his incredibly large family. Now, this is the kind of family where where you can be like 32 cousins removed, yet you are still part of the immediate family. Do you know what I'm talking about?
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yeah, this seems to be big in the Hispanic culture that everyone is part of the family, no matter how distant the relation is.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And when the siren song of a party goes across the wires, then everybody from many different countries, even other planets, I think, just zoom on in to come to this party because there's going to be free liquor, someone's going to cook food, and there's going to be dancing, so we better get there because... You know, that's the spice of life. General fun.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yes, that's the thing that makes the world go round. And for Venezuelans, the party is life. Life is a party. There is no other reason to exist except to get to the next party.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I agree with you. I'm right there. And as a teenager, that was like the... As a teenager and in my early 20s, before I met Raphael, that was the opposite of what I experienced. I would... And I've said this before... And in my family, my immediate family, my cousins, my uncles, my aunts, we have one very large family on my mom's side.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yet it seemed like a race to get out the door as soon as you got in the door. Do you know what I'm saying? Like it was in the door. Food was served immediately. People would say their goodbyes and gone. If it lasted an hour, that was a party. If it lasted two hours, people were getting fussy and antsy. If it lasted three hours, there was like a mutiny on the bow.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Like, where's the fucking, get me the fuck away from these people. But in the Venezuelan culture, which is the one I know the best, and I think this is true of a lot of Hispanic cultures and European cultures, quite frankly. like Spain and stuff like that, it seems like the opposite. Everyone just, they want to stay as long as they can. They want to do as much as they can.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
So over the weekend, there's like the first big get-together for one of the family members' 100th birthday party.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And she looked great. Her name is Tatcha, or that's what we call her, Tatcha. And she was not even a family member. She is the woman who raised the great-grandparent, The grandparent, the parent, and then Raphael.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
The phone works both ways, bro. We could talk to each other.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
What a celebration. And she looked fantastic. They had her sitting in a chair like when you walked into this clubhouse with a bunch of balloons and like a whole thing. And then two photographers were taking pictures. Everyone who came in got a picture with her. It was just like a beautiful event.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Everyone was there. Five years old, because I don't think we've all gotten together. Like everyone has gotten together since the pandemic. Some people have, but we haven't seen a lot of those people since the pandemic. And it was just beautiful. A hundred and, I don't know, 20 people there. Everybody who's anybody who ever talked to these people is invited. And this is this huge party.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Room is filled. And Raphael, my best friend, is there giving me a hard time, as he always does, about everything. Yeah, bro, we don't see you anymore. It's like, you know, you don't even love us anymore. He's just like ribbing me the whole time. And I'm annoyed. And I'm like, Raphael, shut the fuck up. Like, the phone works both ways, bro. Like, you could, you know, we could talk to each other.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
We did, but that's not enough for him. He's like my extra wife. He's like a second wife.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
We did, but that's not enough for him. He's like my extra wife. He's like a second wife. It's never enough for me. He needs more of my time than I am able to give. He got a taste. He got a little tasty Tina or Brian. And listen, when you get a tasty tea of these cheese bags... You want the full dip. You know what I'm talking about? You want a full-throated taste of Brian.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
It's never enough for him. He needs more of my time than I am able to give.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
He got a little tasty Tina or a Brian. And listen, when you get a tasty tea of these tea bags, you want the full dip. You know what I'm talking about? You want a full-throated taste of Brian.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yes, that's right. And then 24 hours later, you're like, that guy's a real asshole. I realize now why we haven't seen him in five years. But he him and I were shooting the shit. And we were just like, you know, hey, man, I love you. It's so good to see you. You know, I just we need to spend more time together, which is true. All of this is true. I'm not. He's right.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I have a million children and it's really hard to find time. But I need to find time because that is the fruit of the tree is your friendships and the people that you love. Yeah. And now the kids are old enough, or some of them are old enough, that I can break away for a few minutes. I need to do more of that. And he goes, but you're just such an asshole. Like, you're such an asshole.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And man, I hate you sometimes. He's like, I still think you should have kicked that guy's ass. And as soon as he said that, I get so fucking irritated because I remember the exact thing that he's talking about.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
The exact ass that he wanted me to kick. That's right. Yeah. I remember the exact ass and the exact moment that he's talking about. Let me explain. We're working at the La Strada, the Italian Trattoria, where you send some soft-shell crabs and some dried bread. We're also working there, too? Chianti Classico. That's how we met. That's where we met. What? Oh, okay. That's where we met.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
There's too many stories to tell, but I won't get into it. If you remember, he became the general manager of the – there was two of these locations. And the one that I worked at, he came from the other location to be the manager. And the very first night that we met, he wasn't there to manage. He was there to just sit at the bar and kind of observe things. Well, we both got incredibly drunk. Yeah.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Headed to the bar across the street, closed that out, then walked to his grandparents' house where Tacho was waiting to make us food. Right, right, right. She like got up and started cooking empanadas. And I'm like, what the hell?
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yes. And then he tried to get me in his bed. Yes. Remember?
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
No, this is the very first night we met. Rafa has suggested that we sleep in the same bed together. And as an Irish white guy with a lot of Catholic guilt and some feelings around that, I was like, no, no, no, no, no. You got the wrong guy, mister. See you later. So I'm out with his his grandparents portable phone outside of this townhouse calling for a cabin for 30 in the morning. Anyway.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Fast forward a year later, we've been working together for a long time and now we're best friends. And there is a guy named Eric that works at the restaurant. Eric is a noted crackhead. And when I say noted crackhead, I don't mean that like as a like as a put down. I mean that literally he is a crackhead. He smokes crack and he's been known to do it at work. The guy is a fantastic waiter.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Fantastic. Maybe the best in the entire place.
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Yes, because he is like sonic. Smooth and efficient. He's light on his feet. He's zipping all over the place. He can handle a million tables. He talks to everybody. He's sweating profusely all over your food. But he's really good at what he does. And everybody knew it. So therefore, they tolerated the other behaviors. But at some point, Eric and I got on the wrong foot. He owed me $100.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
I don't know. I gave him $100 to go get drugs. He never came back with it. Something happened. And this turned into an entire restaurant ordeal. Do you know what I'm talking about?
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
We gave him money to go get something. He never showed back up with it. Then claimed that he got robbed or whatever the deal was. Like real crackhead type shit, right? Like real crackhead type story. Eric was all of a sudden persona non grata. But we saw him pull up with his wife at the time into the bar directly across the street. And we had been looking for him.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Yes, that's right. And then 24 hours later, you're like, that guy's a real asshole.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Where are you with our hundred dollars? Where are you?
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The same night he left. He had gotten off like in the afternoon shift. And we said, all right, bro, set us up for the, you know, hook us up for the nighttime. We're going to have a big party here at La Strada once it closes down. Which happened a lot, by the way.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
We would lock the doors and multiple times the police officers were like in the parking lot, like with the flashlights looking in and we were like, nothing to see here. We wouldn't open the doors. We'd be like, we're fine. Everything's okay. There's hostages in here. Don't worry about it.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
uh so he took our money he and i was like the guy in charge for whatever reason of this particular situation and rafael got me all worked up and he said you gotta fucking kick this guy's ass man there's only one way to teach a crackhead how to there's only one way to teach a lesson to a crackhead and that's a fucking kick his ass kick his fucking ass brian go get him get him get this walk across street let's get him
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
And there were other employees that went over there and they got Eric all riled up. So now it's like it's literally a scene out of the West Side Story. When you're a jet, you're a jet all the way from your first cracky pipe to your sniff all the day. Like it's like it's crackhead West Side Story. And so at some point, the game is on.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
We've been at the restaurant as long as we can be at the restaurant. I don't know what to do. I'm not a fighter. I never have been.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
No. I've been in a few scraps. A couple I've won. Most I've lost. It's not my thing. I've defended myself in certain situations, but I am not the guy to swing first. I have never been the guy to swing first. So we go over there and we're walking across the street and Eric comes out with his team and I got my team. And it's like seriously a gang war in front of this suburban dive bar.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
But he rallied some troops. Are you alive in 2025? People have teams regardless if they're right or wrong. It doesn't matter. This is true. Good point. People like shitheads, too. For some reason, they vote for the troll. I don't know why. Who knows? And when I say team, he's got, like, his, you know, four or five people. And I got my four or five people.
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Friends Don't Let Friends Not Fight!
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
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TCB Coloidal Colada Coolers
I can't believe she didn't win. She wasn't up for G.I. Jane. G.I. Jane. Wasn't wasn't she up for an award for G.I. Jane or striptease or something? Ghost. Ghost. Ghost. Yeah.
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I mean, all of these, you know, I get it. So much. I get that they think that I get that it's like popcorn actress. Right. I understand what they're saying when they say that. But she when you think back on it, she has chewed on a few roles. Yes. That were pretty groundbreaking. Striptease made so much noise when it came out. Yeah. No, not Ghost, but G.I. Jane made so much noise when it came out.
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Ghost was a huge deal when it came out. Didn't Whippy Goldberg win an Academy Award for that? I think she did. I know she did. I think she won an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress in that film. So to be her sitting in that seat for just a moment and recognize that the movie that she just made is essentially coming true in real life. Yeah.
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The whole premise of Substance is happening right in front of her eyes. The young lady beats out the older woman who has seen her better days in Hollywood and has aged to some degree. And it was just like life imitating art in such a weird way. And I'm sorry.
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But I know there's a lot of interpret—there's like a lot of reels going around with— Morris face when Mikey Madsen's called out. Oh, really? I think she handled it as graciously as possible. But you can tell she was on a roll leading up to this. And then it just she just didn't get it. It just didn't happen.
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Somebody put it so sad that Courtney Cox didn't win an Oscar. I was like, that's not Courtney Cox. I get the joke, but it wasn't Courtney Cox. Okay, Quentin Tarantino came out and announced best director.
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Maybe we should mix our wine cooler with our hangover remedy. Wow, tasty. The drink that gets you sober.
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supposed to come out for a while yeah but that's Quentin all the time he's always saying he's making the next movie he's writing the next movie the thing about Quentin is he's got to have his hands in every single bit of the movie which I think makes those movies uniquely Quentin Tarantino right but he's got to write every line he's got to do everything he's got to make the lighting himself he's like that Christopher Nolan the two of them they and James Cameron they're like super involved
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to directors but I guess the best directors in the world are the ones that really take control of every single bit of it and listen I haven't met a Quentin Tarantino movie that I don't like exactly and I gotta say that he is just such a cool cat like he comes out on stage and he's talking to people Is he talking to the crowd as if it was one person at a bar and you guys were best friends? Yeah.
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You get the sense that Quentin Tarantino is cool in any situation. And I don't care how old the guy is. I think he's always going to be that way. He's just one of those cool cats. He came out. He did Best Director.
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I just wanted to share that Quentin Tarantino coming on the Oscars made it just a little bit more interesting than it otherwise would be. Morgan Freeman showed up to talk about his friend Gene Hackman, who had just passed away.
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Under extraordinarily strange circumstances. Extraordinarily strange circumstances.
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Yeah, it's nine days, ten days. Yeah, they didn't find him for— For like nine or ten days. She was mummified.
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Yeah, I don't disagree with you. And when I first read about it, at first I thought, oh, there's something nefarious. Right, of course. There's a bandit going around Santa Fe, New Mexico, killing people.
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Or murder, suicide or something along those lines. But then when you hear the at least the description of the scene, it appears one died first and the other one went after because of whatever. Or she died and she was his caretaker and he fell on the floor and couldn't get up. Right. Something along those lines. I don't really obviously, you know, more information to come.
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But when they talked about the dog dead, I was like, right. But, you know, hey, listen, it is not strange for people, older people to die with their dogs in the house and they get eaten by the dog. Yeah. And I know Blue would be the first one to take a bite out of me. I know she would. OK, that's why I don't like Blue, because I know that Blue would turn on me in a heartbeat.
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She may seem all, you know, small and not very ferocious, but if she didn't have food, that dog wouldn't go three hours and she'd start chewing on my penis. I know it. I just know it. All right. I do have to also share that, you know, I liked the, they did a performance of The Wiz, which I thought was fine. Queen Latifah did a fine job. It was fine.
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And Ariana Grande and Cynthia and a couple other people in the front row started dancing, but the rest of the Academy didn't even bother to stand up and I mean, it's the whiz. It's like, you know, I don't know. I thought it just showed just everybody in the audience is boring, too. None of them are standing up and dancing in this extremely soulful, you know, catchy song.
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Ariana and Cynthia figured it out. Why didn't everybody else stand up? You don't have to dance. You can just stand up and do a little, you know, head bopping. But they didn't put any other great music in the show. I mean, you had the Bob Dylan biopic that was there. There's so much great music from some of these movies every year.
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You could have showcased some of this stuff, and instead you pick The Wiz? Really? I mean, I know that Quincy Jones was winning an award, but The Wiz was like the only song besides the Wicked song that made any kind of impression on me whatsoever. There were only three songs played the entire time. The other one was... The other one was... I think it was another Wiz song.
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I think they did two Wiz songs. Two Wiz songs? The Wiz came out in 1971. It's 2025. I get it. I get why you're doing it. I get the through line here. But I think you could have added some pop, some music, something to move the festivities along just a little bit. Because then in the end, the most boring thing that happened the entire night was Adrian Brody's insufferable six-minute...
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Did you watch the Oscars? We haven't had a chance to talk about it because this is our first episode since the Oscars appeared. Did you watch the Oscars?
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acceptance speech adrian did this 26 years ago when he won for the pianist and then he did it again this time he literally told them to shut the music off while he finished what he had to say and then he had to say nothing Not a fucking thing that meant anything. Be good to each other. Okay, that's great, Adrian. We already know that. We get it.
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He basically made the same speech, 26 years difference, and just almost the same length. He beat out everybody else for the longest acceptance speech ever. Really? Ever. In the history of the Academy. Ever. And he only beat himself out for that particular award. He is insufferable. Patting himself on the back and talking about how acting is a tough job and it's a fragile profession.
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I don't disagree, but there's millions of people across the world that are watching you. I don't know. It just came across as very insufferable. jerking himself off and I didn't care for it. Adrian's a fine actor. I've seen him in a lot of stuff and I like him when he's acting.
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It's just as long as that fucking acceptance speech. For God's sakes.
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It was so long that Hulu decided to cut off the last 12 minutes of the show because they had a hard out at whatever time it was, 1045.
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Hulu was live streaming it because ABC, Hulu, Disney, and they cut off the last 12 minutes of the show.
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Where you find out best picture. Now, listen, you didn't miss anything. I'm just sharing with you. You didn't miss anything. They could have cut out Adrian's fucking half of his acceptance speech and probably gotten an extra 30 minutes on there. I think it went on forever. Anybody who watched the lives knows what I'm talking about.
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It was insufferable, incoherent, and irrelevant as far as I'm concerned. I think we should all be good to each other. I get the message, Adrian, but honestly, enough is enough. 30 seconds. Fine. Move on to the next one and play a song that's been made in the last 50 years. All right, we'll take a break and we'll stop talking about the
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing that Conan thing where he takes his hip and he moves it back and forth. You don't know the Conan thing? Yeah. He takes his hip, he moves it back and forth with a string.
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All right. I do also have to just say, I promise this will be the last thing I say about the Oscars. Where was the star power for the Oscars? No Clooney, no Brad Pitt, no Uma Thurman. No. I mean, there were like all the regular kind of like. You know, grandfathered in actors and actresses that we usually see all dialed up, you know, sitting there in the front row. None of them there.
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Yeah, okay. All right, so Conan did the Oscars. I think, you know, he did a job. He did just fine. Conan did just fine. He was a steady hand on the ship. He did a great... I think, intro monologue. He did a good job without offending too many people. He was really funny. I liked the bit with John Lithgow. You know, Conan is a good host. He's done this for a long time.
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I didn't see Uma Thurman there, but I just noticed. And then I read there was a lack of kind of that, you know, typical Hollywood elite that are there. Not that... Not that it would have made it any different, but at least, you know, seeing Clooney all dressed up. That's a nice thing. You like to see Clooney dressed up. He's a handsome guy.
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You look at the Oscars and they probably show it. If Clooney's there, they're showing him six or seven times during the Oscars. He's got that expressive face.
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No. Clooney hasn't had a movie in like 10 years. Where did Clooney go? What's the last movie he did? Lake Como. Yeah, Lake Como. That's it. Yeah, I guess when you have a private island in Italy, you don't go many places.
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Oh, my God, to be Clooney. And all you have to do is those coffee commercials every couple of weeks, and you make $100 million.
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Why don't we have a tequila brand? Why don't we have something that's like of value? Because the content certainly isn't it. I mean, I'd like it to be, but that's not making us any money. Why don't we start a wine or something?
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Brian and Chrissy's wine coolers? TCB lights? TCB bubbles?
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A wine cooler. Like a really syrupy blue raspberry wine cooler.
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TCB, giving you a headache on a Tuesday night. Yeah, like really cheap. Yes. We'll get you drunk and make you feel like junk. Why not? TCB, wine coolers for teenagers. Yeah. We'll target teenagers for our sales. Yeah, you know. We'll get like a Joe Camelot character going on so we can target the teenagers.
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Yeah, I think due to doge deregulations, I think you can now market alcohol and cigarettes to kids. Isn't that true? Yeah, it's got to be. I don't know. Listen, if we were in the wine cooler business, that's where it's at. We're going to do a merch drop. I'm not even going to say when because then it will never happen. But we're going to do a merch drop and like Aster and I are talking about it.
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And now I'm thinking wine coolers. Why not? Wine coolers. Let's drop wine coolers and then some weird hangover remedy made of beet juice. Beet juice and colloidal silver. Yeah.
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Maybe we should mix our wine cooler with our hangover remedy. The drink that gets you sober. The alcoholic drink that gets you sober. Brian, TCV wine coolers. That's good for the kids. TCV wine cooler. Take the kids, take the keys away. Hey, listen, it works for everybody else. You know, I see that Sam Murill. And his buddy, Mark Norman. And they have a whiskey brand. I think it's a whiskey brand.
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They have a whiskey brand. And I see them out there promoting that all the time. And they're at parties and they're at restaurants and they're eating steaks and they're drinking drinks and they're taking promotional pictures. It looks like a ton of fucking fun. Yeah. And while I don't drink all that much, that's not to say I wouldn't to become a billionaire. I'd stay drunk for a couple more years.
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You know what I'm saying? I could deal with my kids if I had a private plane. If I had a private plane, I could drink wine coolers until I'm blue in the face. TCB Wine Coolers. May turn your skin blue. Colloidal Silver. That's it. Colloidal Silver. We're making wine coolers, and the flavors are going to be Colloidal Silver, Homegrown Vaccine, We're going to do a bunch of them.
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He did whatever it was, 26 years, 30 years of late night television. So he certainly knows how to work a crowd. He knows how to be in front of a crowd, how to deliver a monologue, how to be funny. He's got a team of writers.
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It's just going to all be weird conspiracy theory names, and we're going to mix all kinds of tonics and stuff in there. Because... The content is not making us a millionaire, for sure. We're far from that. But if we could get some kind of cocktail or something that we could go sell and then just we sell it to the bigger liquor distributors, right? Isn't that how it works?
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It's so hard. Yeah, it's really hard. Yeah, I had a guy.
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Yeah, that's it. You got to have, like, it's really hard to convince a distributor to put those on shelves. And then it's super hard to convince the people who own the stores to give you shelf space. And if you don't have the shelf space, you're not selling the liquor. Like, it's all, it's really a racket is what it is. But so are cereal aisles, too. It's the same thing.
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You can't make a new cereal. Yeah. And get into Publix. It just doesn't work that way. You have to show them that you can sell, convince them to, you know, you've watched an episode of Shark Tank. You know how it goes. I get all my information from Shark Tank. Okay. Kevin O'Leary. But I will share that I had a friend who started a energy drink business, like an energy drink water.
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And they went around to every mom and pop gas station. We all know the ones, the ones that sell crack pipes and they have a Bitcoin.
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They have a Bitcoin machine in the corner, you know, where you can buy Bitcoin by putting money into the till. We all know those gas stations and they went around to every gas station in the southeast trying to get that sold. And they did. They would sell like a case at a time or whatever. And they were doing this all out of the back of their truck. And this went on for seven fucking years.
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They tried to get Coca-Cola to buy it. They tried to get Pepsi to buy it. They tried to get distributors to buy it. They tried to get some kind of help. And no one and no one would even take a meeting with them. They were like, get get a number. Everybody's got the same idea and everybody's doing the same fucking thing that you're doing. And by the way, we can just make our own.
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Conan doesn't age. Good docs are good genes. Question mark. Yeah, you're right about that. Conan doesn't age.
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Why would we buy yours? We can just make our own. We already have all the facilities and everything to do it. It's a really, really retail is a really, really tough business to get into. But then soda drinks or energy drinks or waters. Forget about it. That's really tough. But since we are such notable podcasters, I mean, we're like number 106 on the comedy charts.
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So since we're like number 106 on the comedy charts, I think we could sell a case or two of this blue colloidal silver. Energy slash COVID vaccine slash drink and I'll get you sober before you get drunk kind of drink. It's a magical drink. It fixes everything. And it's endorsed by RFK Jr. That's all I got to say. What else do you need? Yeah. By the way.
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Not going to talk too much politics here, but you notice that RFK Jr. is singing a new tune about the measles vaccine. Yeah, he's realizing that under his watch, he doesn't want millions of people to die. So he's like, about that measles vaccine.
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Yeah, I got one like 10 years ago, I think. I think I got one about a decade ago. Okay. When I turned a certain age, when I turned 20 about a decade ago, I...
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I got tetanus and an MMR shot, I think. Measles, mumps, and rubella.
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Yeah, his first television show, of course, came on, was it, was he on NBC? Did he come on after the late 90s? Yeah, he came on after The Tonight Show, I think is what it was. But Conan O'Brien, you know, from moment one, was a very skilled comedian and a comedic writer. Oh, he's really funny. He's self-effacing. He never takes himself too seriously. He's humble in the face of all successes.
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No, it stays with your body the entire time. It's just like the chickenpox virus. It stays in you dormant, ready to come alive at the next, you know, shitty, stressful period in your life and attack you. It's not a good thing. And, you know, it can morph. It can mutate. And that's why in the last hundred years or whenever they've started the measles vaccine, there have been few, if any, mutations.
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Fatal cases of the measles. And now there have been six in a short period of time. And, you know, I think, listen. People can be wrong and then they can be right. And you got to applaud them when they're right. Right. And so I do applaud the fact that RFK has come out and said, take the measles vaccine. It does save lives. I can applaud that. But I mean, the damage is already done.
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There's like 168 people in Texas that have the fucking measles and most of them are children. And it's like, like some of my kids do not have their full course of vaccinations yet. And I, just sharing that I firmly believe in the science. And every other doctor that I've talked to has said so.
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The only people who have cautioned me against vaccines are people who don't wear shoes and smell like a dirty rat. Do you know what I'm saying? They're still looking for their career path at 67 years old. And that seems to be following fish in a van. So listen, whatever it is you personally choose to do, do it. That's fine.
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But also there is this community aspect that is to be considered that if it if the measles mutates and becomes something we're not vaccinated against most of us, then it becomes a real shit show. And I think that is the concern now. It's like, yeah, yeah. Welcome to we're all going to God. Yes, this is idiocracy live. It's happening to us live. It's fucking insane. Speaking of idiocracy.
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I'll share a personal story. I'm sharing this as a cautionary tale, and I will say this before I get started. I am not proud of the way anybody acted here, except for the innocent person involved in this, and then I'll share this. The other day, I go to pick up one of my kids from school, one of my daughters from school. And her school is in a... I didn't even want to say that.
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It's in a building that is multi-purpose. So it's not just a school. There are other things that are going on there, but it's very small. It's not a big school at all. It's probably 70 kids in the entire school. And this is not a regular school. This is like a preschool, right? So there is... you know, a decent sized parking lot there.
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And the parking lot is like every other parking lot you have ever been in in your entire life. And that is two rows on opposite sides of parking spaces. On one side behind it is the building. On the other side is a forest, a county forest. Okay? Okay. And walking trails and stuff like that. But that is also very small.
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So parking lot, two rows of parking spots, and then a lane for people to drive in. You understand what a parking lot is.
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So I go in this little traffic circle to go pick up my daughter, and then you can either go right into the parking lot, you can go out that way, or you can go left into the parking lot, and you can go that way. Two different streets, two different ways to go, and I like to go left. I could go right, but I like to go left. That's just the way that it is.
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When I am approaching the traffic circle, I notice that there are cones in the parking space. If I was to take that left, there are cones in those parking spaces. And I can see at the corner of the parking lot near the exit is a tree truck. Someone is cutting down trees. Oh, okay. It's got the big, you know, grinder on the back of it.
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And there are a couple of guys over there with the yellow vests on, and I can see that they're doing some work. Fine, whatever. Okay, I guess they block off the parking spaces so that in case any tree limbs fall off. No one gets hurt. Or they need the room to navigate. I don't know. I don't care. I don't think much of it.
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So as I pick up my daughter around the traffic circle and the middle of the parking lot, and then I go to the left, I'm driving by where the cones are, and there is a guy that's picking up one of the cones from one of the parking spaces. I've got my windows down. It's a nice day. As I'm driving by him, he whips around. whips the cone at my car and screams obscenely.
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And then when he got fired from The Tonight Show, he took over The Tonight Show for two minutes. And then when he took over The Tonight Show, he became an international superstar. Yeah.
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Now, listen, I'm not throwing stones in a glass house. I do not have the... I am not exactly the picture of vocabulary. I often use cuss words in my daily life, and I don't shy away from doing that around my children either. I think they need to understand how real people talk. I think we were talking about this with Kathleen Madigan, who will be on next week. So he goes...
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Motherfucker, did you not fucking see I'm putting fucking cones here? He's screaming at me. He's got a hard hat on. He's probably 20 something years old, long hair, long beard, you know, screaming at me. Windows are down. Daughter's in the car seat in the back. And I was like, no, I did not. And I was like, fuck you, right? Because now I'm pissed. He's thrown a cone at the car.
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He's screaming obscenities while my daughter is in the back. That's a scary thing probably for a little kid. But it's also scary for me because I don't know what this guy's intentions are. You know, I see that you have the yellow vest on. I understand that you're upset, but I don't know what about. I don't see you putting cones anywhere where I'm not supposed to be driving. The lane is clear.
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That's where I'm going. And so he runs around the car to the side of my car, grabs on the inside of the car, and is screaming at me through the window. Do you not fucking see I'm fucking blocking this lane here? Can you not fucking see that? And I drove. I just drove. That's what I did. I just said, nope, not even staying here for this. I am driving.
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Not because The Tonight Show did well. It did not do well under him. But because he got fired in such an unceremonious way, and then that pompous jack-off, Jay Leno, came back after he promised he was retiring, came back for another 10 years.
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But as I am driving forward, another young guy, they're like twins, right? But long hair, long beard, the whole hard hat, yellow vest, the whole nine yards on jumps from. So now I'm driving toward the exit and there is a guy there sitting near the truck and he runs out into the middle of the road and throws his hands up. Really? Yes. And now he's screaming at me.
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There's a fucking tree coming fucking down the fuck you think you're doing, you fucking asshole. And I'm like, I don't fucking care. That's what I said to him. I don't fucking care. And I drove and he now both of them, by the way, now the other guy has run up to the car. So now there's two guys standing there screaming profanities into my window. And I say, I don't fucking care. I'm going home.
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That's what I said. And I drove and I drove out of the parking lot. There was no tree down. There was, you know, it was they were feet, you know, 50 feet away from anything that I didn't see any work being done in the middle of the road. I wasn't endangering anybody's life, including myself or my daughters.
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Had I thought that as embarrassing as it would have been, I would have backed up and gone the other way. But that was not happening. There was no tree. There were no tree limbs. There was no I don't even those guys weren't even working. They were sitting there yelling at me. It's like, what are you doing? So I drove as fast as I could, and I sped out of the parking lot.
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And as I sped out of the parking lot, I'm like, holy shit, because I'm sure some of the parents saw that, right? They had to have. It's not that far from where the traffic circle is, number one. Number two, I probably could have reacted a little bit differently. Maybe cooler heads could have prevailed. Maybe I could have said, there were no cones blocking the area.
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But maybe I could have said, hey, do me a favor. Stand behind my car while I run over you real quick. And then we'll make sure everything's okay. Second of all, it's not a police officer. It's not like this guy has some measure of control over what happens. And there's clearly no present danger in front of me.
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So if he was going to put cones in the lane so that people couldn't drive there, he hadn't yet done that. He was in the process. But it didn't look like that to me. It looked like he was picking up cones from the parking spaces. And he didn't need to scream obscenities.
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Yeah, that made me... I was never the biggest Jay Leno fan, but that kind of sealed it for me. I was like, that's a really shitty thing to do to your quote-unquote friend. But I don't think Jay Leno's friends with anybody. I think Jay Leno's friends with Jay Leno. Do you know what I'm saying?
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You can see my daughter in the back seat because the windows are down. Like, I can see that. I know that you can see this. And screaming and yelling like a fool is not helping anybody. The guy simply could have put his hand up. Right. And just said, hey, bro, listen, there's a tree being cut down there. Can you back up for me? Right.
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Now, I also could have just backed up and turned around, but I just felt like I just in the moment adrenaline took over.
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Yeah. It's like everybody is so on fucking edge all the time that it's really... It really is a scary time to be alive, right? This guy was so on edge about someone driving past him that he was willing to put people in danger, including himself, in order to get his point across. But what was the point? The point was what? You know, there was no tree down. There was... If you really...
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thought that people were in danger, you should have put the cones on there long before you decided to cut any trees down. Do you know what I'm saying?
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Yeah, it's pickup time. It's pickup time at school. Yeah, let's not cut down trees. Anyway, I'll talk more about it. Let's take a short break and then we'll get back.
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So I say all this to say that I think Conan is uniquely suited, like Jimmy Kimmel, to handle the Oscars or something like the Oscars, an award show that really needs someone who can bounce it along, keep it on time, tell jokes in between, improv when necessary, when he sees things happening, do it on the fly and move to the next one.
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Yeah, so there's my Tuesday afternoon. Okay. There's my Tuesday afternoon. Yeah, it was... And then it kind of, like, it stuck with me for the rest of the day. Of course it did. Right? I'm replaying it in my head. Yes. My daughter is scared. She didn't, like, say a word to the attire right home. Yeah. And I was like, listen, honey, this is a little hard to explain.
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But I drove by those guys asking me to stop because I didn't want to get into any more of an argument with them. And I'm sorry that you had to see that. And even Daddy probably could have been a little... A little cooler head. Like 99% of the time, I'm really not that guy. Like I don't go around yelling at people. I'm actually quite the opposite if you find me in real life.
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I'm just kind of – I'm not quiet, but I certainly wouldn't be the guy yelling in the middle of a grocery store or something like that. But, man, it just all happened so quickly. I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I got nervous that my daughter was in the back. I didn't like the fact that the guys were in my car yelling at me, essentially.
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And I quickly recognized that they are no state authority that I have to listen to. Get out of here, right? Right. Get out of here before it escalates and someone says or does something stupid that you can't take back. I mean, whipping a cone in the car, it's a pretty extreme measure to take. Really?
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Over your tree job. You know what I'm saying? Not that tree job isn't cool. It's cool. Tree job. I've had whatever. Tree guys are tree guys. But it just seemed a little hot-headed for the moment.
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Yes, he whipped it right at the bumper. And I was like, wow. What just happened? Anyway, that was my Tuesday afternoon, Chrissy. The world is on fire. Everyone needs to take a breath. Rev down. Rev down. Everybody rev down. Hey, tree guy, if you're listening... I could have handled it better, but you could have also. We all could have handled that a little bit better.
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The second guy came to his defense. He literally popped out of nowhere and he had his hands up with that yellow thing. And I thought for a second.
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Absolutely. If you're cutting down trees and you're concerned about cars getting hit, don't even allow that lane to be open. Close it down. And it wasn't closed. I didn't run over any cones. There was no tape or cones or anything in front of me. I was driving on a clear lane, which anybody would have done because the part that was closed off were the parking spaces, not the lane. Yeah.
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If you needed that lane clear for the work that you're going to do for safety purposes, insurance reasons, whatever, do it like 40 minutes before you intend to cut down any trees. That's the first action you should have taken. But no, you thought whipping cones at cars would be a better way to stop them from getting around the danger. I don't know. I'm just sharing that with you.
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So, tree guy, if you're listening, tree company. We all could have handled that better. I think that's clear. OK. All right. All right. Enough. Speaking of, you know, let's all rev down. Casey Anthony is back. Did you see this?
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But it doesn't matter because the Oscars is a snore fest no matter what.
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She is legal. Legal. Legal analyst. Yeah. A legal analyst because you've been encased in the judicial system for years of your life. Listen, Casey Anthony popped on TikTok and I don't think she's had social media ever. OK, so or maybe certainly not since, you know, Kaylee Anthony went missing and then was found dead in the trunk of a car.
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Her daughter, Casey Anthony, comes on TikTok and shares that she has been in the legal field, quote unquote. for 20 plus years and that she is going to now be a legal advocate for those that are missing or murdered, young children that are missing or murdered, including her daughter. Hey, here's a little advocacy work on behalf of your daughter. Don't kill her in the first place. Unbelievable.
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Is Casey Anthony like the last person we really need to come – trouncing into this shit show that we already have. I'm being dead serious. Please do not give this lady any breath of air into her social media. There are going to be lots of people who buy into this bullshit, but I got to be honest.
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When I saw this TikTok pop up, it was somebody else's reel that they were showing, basically saying the same thing that I'm saying. I was like, no way. Did Casey Anthony just talk to the camera and say she's going to become a legal advocate for children in trouble? I mean, this girl was out partying while her daughter was missing for 31 days until she called 911. That's unbelievable.
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That's like the worst parent ever. And now she's going to be a legal advocate for kids? Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Casey Anthony was like... Remember that trial? It was like the O.J. Simpson trial of the 2000s.
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Everybody had their eyes on that Casey Anthony trial because it was just such a weird thing that happened. Casey Anthony... Claims that she left her daughter with some nanny, a Mexican lady. She left her with a nanny while she went out partying with the guy that she was dating for a couple of days. And then she came back and the nanny said she didn't know where her daughter was.
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Well, it turns out that she was in the trunk of a car the entire time, and then she was buried outside in a plot of land not too far from her parents' house. And then her parents were strangely, like, defending but not defending her. Her dad was supposedly, may have covered some of this stuff up. I mean, the details of the trial are just horrific.
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Oh, he was? I must have taken a pee break during that because I think I watched most of it, but I don't remember Ben Stiller.
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And a guy that's having children, I can't understand for the life of me how 31 days passes before you notify the authorities that your daughter is gone. That's insane to me. But that's what happened. And why anybody would ever take legal advice from Casey Anthony is beyond me. It's beyond me. Why she would have the audacity to think that anybody would want to accept that advice.
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I hope this is playing just like it's playing for me. And that is what a terrible fucking idea. But you know what, Chrissy? There is a dum-dum born every second. There are a lot of people on this earth, and most of them are not well. And some people will follow Casey Anthony, thinking that she's innocent. Some people may not even know who she is.
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And she will have her moment in the sunlight. And that's the part that drives me crazy. Just like that OJ Funkin' Simpson. OJ Funkin' Simpson! I watched another documentary on him.
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I am so... Yeah. wrapped up and ensconced in nothing but the O.J. Simpson trial, right? And just like everybody else on earth at the time, we were all big fans of The Naked Gun and all the movies that he was in. You know, everybody loved O.J. Simpson. And then to think for a second that he would essentially brutally murder these two people was a crazy idea at first.
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Speaking of Ben Stiller, Ben Stiller's show Severance has now become the most watched streamed television show ever. Something like, you know, 539 million minutes of streaming watched or something. So 97% Rotten Tomatoes score. A lot of people don't like it, but I do. I think it's very good.
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Then the slow chase and then all the drama and then the trial and the backdrop of the rodney king and it's like it's a very weird period of time in american history pop culture certainly but that oj simpson went twiddling away free as a bird and he couldn't even keep himself out of trouble for like more than 15 minutes he got arrested again Yes, for like kidnapping.
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He brought a gun to get some of his signed helmets back. I mean, OJ, honestly, if I had one piece of advice for OJ, if I'm a friend of OJ's, it's like, dude, God just kissed you on the forehead. Never even think about jaywalking again. Don't even think about it. Go to the golf course. Make new friends. Live your life. Be a good citizen. Never get in the crosshairs of anything legal again.
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And yet he tempted fate over and over and over again. He did that. Remember Fox bought that If I Did It documentary? He wrote a book. OJ Ballsy, Ballsy OJ, wrote a book called If I Did It. And then he wrote how he would do it if he did it, if he murdered his wife and Ron Goldman. And the crazy part was that it didn't matter because he was acquitted. So no one could say anything to him.
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And he just pretended like if I had done it, this is how I would do it. And then Fox bought a documentary that had O.J. talking about how he would do it if he did it so that they could put it on there. Fox, a bastion of class and taste. Ah, Fox. When I think about class and taste, I think about Fox. That's what I think about. All right. Well, listen, we're going to be back tomorrow. Fear not.
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Well, I'm not going back to that parking lot for a couple of weeks. I really thought some of the parents might start texting Astrid because Astrid knows a lot of the parents and be like, what just happened? Why was your husband in the parking lot screeching away? I got so nervous. And Astrid was like, who fucking cares? What? No one cares. You know, whatever. It's just a thing. It happened.
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And I'm like, yeah, but I don't know. It felt bad to me.
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It felt like an exchange of negative energy in a way that I usually don't navigate in the world. So I got... Kind of upset about the whole situation.
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Yeah. But, you know, what are you going to do? I apologize to the tree guy for driving around you. So now you can apologize to me for being an asshole. You're probably like that all the time. Yeah. You're probably a jerk off most of the time. No, I'm kidding. I don't. Probably. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3TCB.
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Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, you can text them there or you can go one step further. Rev down. Leave us a message. Tell us your crazy story that happened to you today. And then maybe, maybe, just maybe, we'll review that on a future episode.
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Also, if you would like to be on the commercial break as a guest, you got something interesting to say, you just want to join the show, you want to say hello to us, text us or call us and leave us a message and let us know. And then someone will get in touch with you if we find you suitable for the show. And by suitable, I mean you are breathing.
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You can talk and you can breathe and you've got a good cell phone connection. We're going to start taking listener phone calls, Chrissy, if you don't mind, if that's okay with you.
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What else? TCBpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, more information about Chrissy and I. You can also get your free TCB swag right there on the website. There's a drop-down menu that says I want my free sticker. If you leave us your physical address, we'll send you something. No muss, no fuss. We don't even keep your email addresses. That's how dumb we are.
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Yeah, you have to know what the next one is. It's so hard to wait. They just don't do it like that. I wish they would just dump a season on us. Dump a season on us, and then I can wait another two years for the next season. I'm okay with that. Yeah. If they can move the production along a little faster, that would be great. But I also understand it must be very hard to write this show.
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At The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and all the episodes on video the same day they air here on audio at youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. Goodbye.
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There's a lot of loose ends. You've got to wrap up. They don't want to make it. And then to film it.
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It is like a puzzle. Anyway, we've talked enough about Severance. I'm a Cuck for Severance here on the show. Yes. But, you know, I thought Conan did just a fine job. I think the Oscars is a snooze fest. I think it's really just become kind of a boring, you know, jack off show. And so let's talk about it just for this segment. And then we're going to we're going to move on.
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So there are two moments of the show that I think were very interesting, and that was Conan's beginning monologue, kind of the first 15 minutes of the show. They did like a very nice tribute to L.A. and moviemaking and to the people who suffered horrible things during the wildfires over there in L.A.
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and the firefighters who, of course, were very brave and went in there and tried to save people's homes and businesses. Yeah. So that was very nice. And then there had been a lot of talk. And, of course, it came true that Ariana Grande teamed up with, oh, God, now I can't remember her.
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Cynthia Erivo. Yeah, Cynthia Erivo. Cynthia Erivo. They teamed up to do their whole wicked thing. So Ariana Grande came out, and she sang Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Mm-hmm. I noticed that she was lip syncing somewhere over the rainbow. Now, I would imagine this has something to do with maybe her voice wasn't in great shape. Maybe she wasn't feeling good, something along those lines.
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But I noticed that the music, the actual backing track and her lips were not 100 percent aligned. The cameras did not show close ups when she was moving her lips in while she was doing the lyrics. But then I also noticed when Cynthia came out to do the Wicked song, you know, Defying Gravity, that she was singing. It appeared that she was singing. You could hear the breaths.
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You could hear the lips. You could see that Ariana was singing.
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It is my favorite pastime. I love to determine whether or not someone is lip syncing, and I like to call it out. Now... I don't have any problem with it because it's the Oscars, and you don't want to fall flat on your face during the Oscars, especially if you have a cold. Listen, this is coming from the former singer of 33 Penis, okay? I'm not saying that I could do a better job.
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I'm just sharing with you that that's what I observed. I observed that she was lip-syncing during Somewhere Over the Rainbow and not during Defying Gravity. So Cynthia comes out. It's mainly a Cynthia song, that Defying Gravity. There's a few lines for Ariana. She fucking nailed it. I mean, 100% chills up your spine, nailed that song, every note of it.
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And that to me, I'm convinced she's that girl has got a voice. Such a tiny little frame and such a huge voice comes out of it. I will share. Well, no, I'm not going to share that because then I'm going to get to comments and stuff like that. Brian, should you?
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This is one of those moments where Brian goes, should you or will you regret this 10 days from now when you have a list of text messages beating you up about what you just said? Okay, I'm not going to share it. Never mind. You make your own judgment calls. But Cynthia has an amazing voice. She brought the house down. Everybody's standing up.
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And I thought to myself, okay, this is a great start to the Oscars. Let's keep it going as my children are screaming. My children are doing their own version of Defying Gravity in the background.
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But then, honestly, it just became a snooze fest. It was, you know, award after award. The presentation style was not particularly interesting. Conan did not... He was not on camera enough, I think, to make a super impact on what happened. He showed up for a few seconds, made a one-liner, and then went away, introducing the next people who were introducing... The next category.
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And that, the way that they did it this year, for those of you that didn't watch, and most of you didn't watch, apparently due to the, because I looked at the ratings, they, five people, best cinematography, five people nominated, five people came out on stage, and then they would talk a little bit about that cinematographer. Hmm.
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but they wouldn't show the work that they were talking about enough for you to get an idea of what they actually did. That's right. So how the fuck am I supposed to make a snap judgment about who's supposed to win? Isn't that the fun of the award shows is like, I have no fucking clue what they're talking about.
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I didn't see the movie, but if you show me 15 seconds of the cinematography work, then maybe I can make a snap judgment and be a Monday morning quarterback. That's what we all
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like to do but they didn't give us a chance to do that because somebody yapping about them and I don't care I want to see the work if you're gonna do best costume let's see the costumes let's not sure please what I don't understand it was a gimmick it was a gig it was a gag and I I'm not sure it worked to great effect that's my personal opinion but But then all the winners came up.
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They did their little spiel. Kieran Culkin, I thought, gave a great speech. Did you see Kieran Culkin's speech? No. Okay. So I'm going to talk to myself. Kieran Culkin.
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Yeah. If they had two kids, they were going to have a third if he won one award. When he won that third award, the third kid award, she said to him out in the parking lot because he had always wanted four kids. She said to him, you win an Oscar and I'll give you the fourth kid. And he said the fourth kid. Oh, they've already got three? Yeah.
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So he goes, ye of little faith, we're getting working on the fourth kid, which I thought was a very cute shout out. It was a very cute anecdote that he said. And I didn't see the movie that Karen was in, but I don't care.
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What's that movie? Is it Jesse Eisenberg? What's it called? I Am Mine or You Are Yours?
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Oh, okay. I'm going to watch it when I have time. Astrid and I had the best of intentions. The best of intentions to at least watch two of the 50.
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No, I don't care about Love is Blind anymore. I'm done with it. I don't give a shit. It's too boring. This year, it's just too boring. The Midwesterners are not bringing the heat, and I'm not all that interested in it. I understand that there's some drama going on behind the scenes, but it's more interesting to read about it on social media than it is to watch it on the actual show. There you go.
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I know we'll finish it at some point, but we're just like, eh, okay. We were going to make an effort to watch at least two of the 50 best motion picture. We're going to watch Anora and we're going to watch Conclave. We're going to watch those two.
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So many people are like, this movie is life-changing. And I'm like, life-changing? Really? I saw Amy Schumer doing a shout-out to the Onora cast. Really? And she was like, this movie was life-changing. Life-changing in every way. And I'm like, that's a big statement to make about a movie. And we've all seen those movies, for us, personally, that have changed our lives.
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Mine is Pink Floyd, The Wall, because I was high on acid. But anyway, so, you know, it's... I get it, but was it really that good? It only made $15 million at the box office.
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You know, so Mikey Madsen wins for Best Actress and she beats out Demi Moore.
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Here's my take, and you tell me. That... Substance is, in some ways, a... It's grotesque and weird movie. It's a weird character that Demi Moore is playing. It's not like a traditional Oscar winning role. It's not a traditional Oscar winning movie. But it was a very good movie. And she was very good in it. But I think the Academy, who is now a little bit younger in age, right?
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Listen, if we were in the wine cooler business, that's where it's at. We're going to do a merch drop. I'm not even going to say when because then it will never happen. But we're going to do a merch drop and like Astor and I are talking about it. And now I'm thinking wine coolers. Why not? Wine coolers. Let's drop wine coolers and then some weird hangover remedy made of beet juice.
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They've kind of changed a number of years ago. They kind of, you know, put out the old and brought in the new. that maybe that particular performance is a hard one to move, like to check the box of. And they go, oh, well, Mikey was really good. My opinion is that Demi Moore's role that she played was maybe not like an Oscar type of, it's not a traditional Oscar movie.
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It's a weird French film about people crawling out of their skin. Isn't that essentially what it is? No. Isn't it about a substance that she takes?
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Coming out of her body, right? It's like crawling out of her own skin, right? So, but let me ask you this, like you saw a Nora and you saw a substance, which one was the more Which one was, in your opinion, was the better performance?
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I think that's the point I'm making. I don't know that the shock value of the performance outweighs Mikey playing kind of this vulnerable, edgy, sharp sex worker.
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No, listen, I mean, you know, to each their own. There you go. And Demi Moore.
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To be Demi Moore for just a moment, and that moment to be sitting at the Oscars after, I don't know, 300 years of acting or however long she's been doing it, from Bruce Springsteen videos to the Friends to being kind of called like, you know, a bit of a popcorn actress, I would say, like someone who doesn't, who can't do serious roles.
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She's just kind of one of these, you know, light on their feet, comedic actresses who did Friends. What other performance has Demi Moore done that has gotten such notoriety in such a meaningful way as far as a dramatic actress is concerned?
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performance wasn't the best of the night. But give her the due respect.
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She can see you. Sit the fuck down and shut the fuck up. Did you see it was like a guy with a cowboy hat that was like walking around talking to people? It's like, dude, take your hat off. First of all, you're in the shot. Second of all, shut up. Let the girl sing for fucking sake. This isn't like... Mix and mingle time. Yeah, this isn't the Roxy on the L.A. Strip on a Thursday night.
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Give the girl some respect, for sure. But that was happening during other performances, too.
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Those producers at CBS need to get those people under control. You need help next year, you let me know. I am as fussy as they come when I need to be, and I will go talk to anybody. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit who it is. Taylor Swift, Elton John, I don't give a shit. I'll tell them to sit down and shut up. Pass the cocaine to me, please.
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So I can get on with my job in a more anxious way.
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Yeah, I did notice that there was a lot of yammering going on while people were... Yeah, rude. The one shot of the night that really got me pissed, I will say this, is they cut to Will Smith at some point. Will Smith with that stupid fucking smile on his face. I have never been a huge Will Smith fan. I'm not a huge fan of anything of his acting. It's just not for me.
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Oh, Bianca was all aglow at the... that she did not even get invited to, apparently. This is crazy. So you had to have heard about this listener out there in the audience.
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I have nothing personal against the guy. I'm not like, oh, he's an asshole. But then he kind of became an asshole when he hit Chris Rock.
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Yeah. What did that mean? I don't know if you got this, but we were texting last night. And I said, he's just scared of getting slapped by his dad, so he put a house on his head.
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I have no fucking clue, but when your dad's running around smacking the most famous comedian that's ever lived, I mean, you're gonna have a... It's going to be a hard childhood regardless. Those kids grew up in such a bubble that they don't understand. Why did he put a castle on his head? I have no clue. I don't know if that was like a message. Is it his new album, Castle?
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I have no idea, but it really was pretty dumb. I mean, listen, I get it. You're taking chances. You're trying to get some PR. I don't know that Jaden Smith would have gotten as much attention had he not had a castle on his head. But let's make the assumption that he did this just like Bianca went nude because they wanted to get all the photogs flashing.
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He did that, but not in any kind of meaningful way. What conversation does that start? Chrissy and the group are just left confused about why there's a house on somebody's head. It doesn't make any sense.
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Yes. If you're going to go... In my opinion, if you're going to go fashion forward, right, let there be something left to the imagination and let there be a storyline to what you're wearing. This piece was created by. This is because I'm doing this. This is in celebration of the firefighters. Something along the lines of I've got a story to tell.
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But Yee and Bianca showed up to the Grammys, to which they were not invited. They had no invitation to go. But who in their right mind is going to tell him? Who on the red carpet is going to turn Yee away when he shows up with Bianca? Of course, they're going to be let in, and the producers are going to quickly scramble to get him a chair because he is PR gold.
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Now, admittedly, I did not hear the story about Jaden Smith. I don't think anybody bothered to ask. I think people were like, Will Smith's your dad.
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There you go. You get a pass and you get a pass. But like, you know, let's let there has it has to make some kind of sense, like the realm of reality. You put Mr. Rogers Toy Castle on your head. It doesn't make much sense. At least, Bianca, we know what we know what the story is. Sex sells. I need photographers. Kanye desperately needs to stay in this in the limelight desperately.
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So now he's got Bianca doing his bidding for him. Do you think she's under some kind of duress?
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I mean, listen, let's roll this back just for one second, not get too, you know, 40-somethings about this. There are plenty of people who go naked for fame and money. Plenty of people. Plenty of people do it for work as a legitimate job. Plenty of people take it a lot further than just walking down the red carpet. Oh, yeah. And I don't argue with anybody's.
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anybody's ability or freedom to do exactly what they want. I just think there's a time and a place for certain things. And I'm not sure that the Grammys, like I was watching the Grammys when I was like nine, I was so interested in music. I was watching when I was eight or nine years old with some kind of intent, right? I wanted to watch the Grammys. There's children watching.
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There's no point to you being naked. It's just causing a stir. And I don't understand why you had to go like full vag. Leave something to the imagination.
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But I'd like to see you try, Chrissy. I'd like to see you try. We should get Jeff in like a pimp jacket and get you in one of those Bianca dresses.
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Oh, he can wear his chef apron? Bare assed chef apron. Chrissy, fur coat, walking down Peachtree Street. And let's see how many people we can get to take a picture of you. Let's see how quickly that gets a TMZ for sure. Hey, listen, as they say, any PR is good PR. And Chrissy, we just need you to do this just this once. Okay.
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And don't worry, because once people have seen it, there's, you know, that's it. Once it's been seen, what does it really matter at the end of the day? If someone took a picture of my micropenis and put it all over the internet, well, it's out there. Why not show it again? Then we can feel free for you to do the show completely naked. Yes. I'm going to make you do it.
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I don't know if she's under some kind of duress, but it does seem a bit, the whole situation seems a bit weird. So my belief is either they are both in their own little world, knowing that they are trolling people and feeling some kind of way about the art of it, like the actual experience of it. They're making a statement that we just don't understand or that we don't care about.
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Or Yi is convincing her to do this, and he is holding money and fame as kind of a negotiating tool in that relationship. Or then there's the worst case scenario, which is just she's kind of like, you know, under his thumb. I don't know. Either way, it's got us talking. It does. That was the point. There you go. All right. So let's talk more about more stuff after we take a break. We'll be back.
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But what they didn't expect is that halfway down the red carpet, Bianca would undress. And when I say undress, I mean the full fucking Monty. Yeah. At around 8.05 p.m. I will remember this for the rest of my life. Where were you when your wife texted the first picture of a naked woman, not herself? I was in my studio.
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Yep. Hey, hey, hey, we're back. Yip, yip, yippers. Yip, yip, yip, yippers. Hey, I wanted to say a couple of things real quick about the Grammys before we get off the topic. Did you see that girl, Rae, who sang? Yes. The British lady? Yes. Oh, my God. Where did she come from?
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It's like Amy Winehouse meets Adele meets somebody else or other. She was, that voice was stunning. Beautiful. Loved it. I'm going to get into it. If I can remember, I will definitely play her music. If my old man brain can remember to do that. I actually wrote a note. I said, oh, check her out. She's really good. Where did she come from?
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I don't know. She was amazing. So there you go. Okay. One more show related thing. So at the beginning of today's episode, you may have heard somebody left a voicemail for us. If you would like your voice to be on the commercial break, leave us a voicemail, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. If you leave us a short voicemail, say hello, say goodbye, tell me what a jerk off I am. I deserve it. It's okay.
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Go ahead and do that, and you may hear your voice at the beginning of the commercial break. Just a little thing that I thought we would do, Chrissy. I love that. For all of those wonderful people, most of which text in. I think they're afraid to use their real voice sometimes. On the commercial break, we spent an entire episode talking about how embarrassed we were about our own podcast.
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So I can only imagine how other people feel about it. I don't know.
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We'll review some of those reviews later on in the week. And yeah, there's many, many good reviews. And then there's a few. Obviously, there are going to be detractors.
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Who takes the time to write a negative review about a podcast? I mean, I get it 100%.
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You have to really dislike what we're doing in order to take the time to go to Apple and write a negative review.
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I guess they think they're being helpful to other people. But why don't you just let other people find out how awful we are on their own? Please? Can't you do that to all of our naysayers? And I would bet you dollars to donuts that some of those people who dislike the show so much are probably listening just as much as the people who really like the show.
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I hate listening to a few podcasts. I'm not going to say who, but I hate listening to a few podcasts, including our own, actually. I listen to it. My kids want to listen to the show now in the car. They want to listen to the show in the car because their mom, sometimes on the way to school, she'll put on the show just to hear, you know, their commercials as they're edited, right?
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She did. She sent it out to the group. Rolling Stone. The Instagram for Rolling Stone sent out those pictures unedited. No censor whatsoever. So at least for a period of time, her vagina and her boobs were just hanging out on the Rolling Stone IG. Who made that editorial decision? I'm wondering, what did Rolling Stone decide? Her vagina was newsworthy enough to not put a black box down there?
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She's like kind of like a fifth set of ears on the editing process, right? And so sometimes she'll put it on in the car. And I think to myself, why are you doing that? This show is terrible for... I mean, it's like the last thing you would want to put on for each other. That's going to bring up a lot of questions. It's going to bring up a lot of trauma is what's going to happen.
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Those kids are going to be in... Those kids are going to be in therapy forever. Do we know the porn star Bonnie Blue? I do not. Okay. Bonnie Blue is the young lady who about three months ago... Did, did, literally did 100 guys in 24 hours. Oh, that one, yeah. You remember this?
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Bonnie Blue, OnlyFans star, many hundreds of thousands of dollars every month worth of subscription cash that she gets. So she's one of the more popular creators on OnlyFans. And she has been talking about this for a number of years, how she would like to have sex with multiple men in a day, that that's something she wanted to break some records.
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It's just like a personal achievement she wanted to do. I'm sure it doesn't hurt the OnlyFans cash either. Yeah. And about three months ago, she did 100 men in a day. So she made an open casting call. If you are between this age and this age, if you are single, if you have a test, I guess it's probably one of the prerequisites. I would hope so. I hope so, too. You know, you must wear protection.
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You're going to get a couple of minutes with me, blah, blah, blah. So she did it. She rented a house in England, like a brownstone in England. Yeah.
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I know. I wasn't expecting London either. I mean, imagine the line of guys waiting outside, fluffing themselves up. What are the neighbors thinking? Yeah. And by the way, whoever owns that Airbnb, I sure as shit hope you got it cleaned, man. That is like...
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No throwing DNA all over my roof, all over my ceilings. That's intense. There was a famous YouTube creator who followed her around for that day, making a rather kind of like a serious look at what was going on. She allowed this. Not during the actual, like, act of having sex with these guys, but before and after. And...
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she seems like a rather smart, intelligent human being who is just, you know, made some personal goal for stuff kind of like the 28 days of TCB, like let's do it and let's see if we can get through it. Do you know what I'm saying? So she's rather sweet and intelligent, very beautiful, a young lady, very young.
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And, but afterwards, after this is all over the guy who, and I wanted to review this here on the commercial break, but I don't, I think I would feel bad about taking the views away from the guy who actually made this documentary. So if you want to go Google Bonnie Blue on YouTube or you want to search on YouTube, I'm sure that that documentary will be one of the first that comes up.
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It's got a couple million views. But afterwards, she seems very emotionally distraught.
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She's doing a lot of crying. She's saying, you know, it wasn't that bad and I don't feel all that bad, but emotionally and physically, I just think I went numb at some point. Mm-hmm. So a couple of days ago, she followed through on her promise to do 1,000 guys in a day. And she did 1,059 guys in a day. She screwed. 1,059 guys in a day. I don't even know how you physically accomplish that.
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How do you get that done? What is that? I can see Tina's doing the same math that I'm doing here. It's 1,059 divided by 24. How many minutes 44 in an hour that's about one a minute that is intense that is insane yeah Let me read the... Just a quick in and out. What's that?
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How do you do anything else but have a quick in and out? One minute. I mean, I guess you just got to be, the guy's got to be ready to go. There's no dilly-dallying. You got to fluff yourself before you get into the room.
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Definitely no foreplay. No afterplay. No cigarette. You are just going in, knocking it out as quick as you have ever knocked it out before. And even a minute is a little quick for it. It's even a little quick for me.
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Yeah, that's got to be intense. I don't know what drives somebody to do something like this. I'm sure she wants to get in the record books. I'm sure there's, if this is your job, it's a stunt that helps get attention for what you do. I am sure that she sold a million subscriptions to get this done in 24 hours. But just like the physical and emotional toll this must take on you is just insane.
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It was pretty newsworthy. I got to say, what else is there? What do we have left?
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I haven't had sex with, I mean, I haven't probably had sex a thousand times in my life, in my entire life. I haven't had sex and I've only had sex with a few people. So, and I'm married for 10 years. So you would think that I probably would have gotten close to a thousand. I bet I haven't gotten anywhere close to a thousand.
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It is hard to think about. What do you think like the average, how many times do you think the average person has sex in a lifetime? Like not sex with partners, but sex just in general.
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Yeah, the act. Let me ask Google AI. That's got to be a wide range. How many times does the average person have sex in a lifetime? Let's see. I'm sure that AI will know this. Oh, well, never mind. 5,778 times. I am lagging far behind. Huh. Does that include myself? Does that include sex with myself? Because if it includes sex with myself, I know I'm well up over 10,000.
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Where do we go from here? There is nothing. What are we going to do? Show our gaping anuses next time we walk down the red carpet?
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You better get to it, Brian. I know, Chrissy. Well, never mind. I'm not going to make that joke.
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Well, we know I've had sex 30 times at least. So, yeah, I just thought I'd mention this because after porn star Bonnie Blue controversial 1057, excuse me. Porn star Bonnie Blue is being brutally roasted after her record-breaking sex marathon with 1057 men in 12 hours. Twelve. Twelve.
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was banned the high-profile british sex worker whose australian visa was cancelled in november after public outcry over her viral schooly stunt featuring featuring barely legal young men she had planned to make a fortune by selling the video of her sleeping with 1057 men however the explicit video has since been removed from the 25 year old's subscription site after only fans repeatedly said the x-rated clip breached its rules
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Is there no safe place to have sex with a thousand people in a 12-hour period? OnlyFans is a platform designed for creators who have completed our comprehensive onboarding process and choose to monetize their content, said a spokesman. To keep our community safe, OnlyFans... also verifies the age, identity, and consent of all parties featured in explicit content.
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We do not allow large numbers of OnlyFans creators to be featured on an account, even where release forms have been provided. Okay, well, there you go.
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Blue, who recorded the jaw-dropping video at a $30,000 mansion famed for hosting illegal sex parties, has previously been vocal about why she makes her controversial content, stating that she often rage baits in order to boost subscriptions and ultimately line her pocketbook. What's rage bait? Rage bait means that you, like... People dislike you. They dislike what you're doing.
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They're really angry about something. So you post in order to bait them into interacting with you. Yes. As a result, social media are having a field day pointing out that Blue's shocking sex stunt was all for nothing if she can't make money from it. Imagine doing all that work for nothing, wrote one person on Facebook. What an anti-climax, scoffed another person.
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Others have pointed out no one has seen the video. Did it even happen? Until I see the video, oh my God, guys, you're such fucking morons. You're such fucking assholes. Why are you poking this young lady? She wanted to have sex with 1,000 guys in 12 hours to raise her subscription level. Didn't work out in her favor. Why do you have to throw bleach in the wound?
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There's no designing about it. No one designed anything.
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Do I agree with having sex with 1,000 people in 12 hours? What does it fucking matter what I think? Honestly, you want to have sex with 1,000 guys? But there was some controversy that I read that maybe a couple of the guys were not of age, even though they signed the release forms. No one really knows. They're trying to get to the bottom of it.
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I'm sure the internet will snuff them out one way or the other. One dude even brought his mom with him. He needed a ride to the event, so he brought his mom. His mom waited in line with him for like three hours until she had no idea what was going on until they got up to the door and he had to sign the release form. What? Can you imagine? No! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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It's just a fishnet, yes. I'm sure Yee designed it. Probably, that's true. I'm sure it was a Yee design, right? I hate calling him Yee, by the way. Kanye, that's his fucking name, okay? Kanye. Yes. I'm sorry, but I never bought into all the Kanye hype. I never really cared for the guy. Now, I am no hip-hop expert. Let's just put that out there.
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Anyway, I am clearly a white Midwestern old man from Chicago who likes a certain flavor of hip-hop and rap, and Ye was just never my thing. Kanye was just never my thing.
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You thought so? Yeah, I was never convinced. Never convinced. But now, he has just completely gone off the rails. There is no semblance of normality.
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And I think he's trying to troll us all, but the joke, I think, is not funny anymore.
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It's just stupid. That woman looks like a fucking hostage. And I'm sorry, if it's her choice to be out on the red carpet, completely naked, then God bless her. I don't know why you would make that choice, but okay, sex, drugs, and rock and roll.
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She has been showing up topless to the Cheesecake Factory for years. Years she's been showing up. And why? I don't know. Listen, I'm all about nipple equality.
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Like the dress had purposefully had a little bit of a cover up on the vagina. But if you zoomed in, you clearly saw that, no, that was just stubble from her pubic hair. Oh, I went that far. I went way down the rabbit hole. I tried to get in her vagina with that zoom just to make sure that I was seeing what I was seeing. And for fuck's sake, it was really a vagina. It really was.
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But this turkey thing, I think this is wonderful. And I don't know why we don't do this here in the fucking United States. We have no preventative care. Preventative care is discouraged because it costs money. And then you don't make money. They don't make money on the medicine. It is completely ass backwards. And why are we all running to Turkey to get this done?
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Shouldn't this be available here in the United States? I understand that medicine here in the United States costs money because it costs money to develop new drugs, new procedures, new things. And our doctors and surgeons, they should be paid extraordinarily well. But the insurance companies have fucked it all up for us.
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I don't disagree. I think Bianca has a lovely, beautiful body. And good for her on the beautiful body. Do we... Is the shock value of showing your vagina on the red carpet moving any kind of fashion ball forward? Or it's just there for shock?
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And now it's just so much fucking money to get anything done that you don't get preventative care. Like you had a scan recently. How long did it take you to get that approved?
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Oh, it was? Yeah. Okay, that's a bad example, but there are other examples where it takes a long time to get that kind of stuff approved. I had to get a heart scan a number of years ago. I had so much frustration with my insurer trying to get that heart scan done that was recommended by a doctor because there is a history of Widowmaker in my family.
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I was at the age where the doctor was like, you should get this done. You should go get a calcium score done, right? That's what I had done, yeah. Yes. And you know what? The insurance company spent three months going back and forth with the doctor about whether or not this was a medically necessary procedure.
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And the doctor was like, I can't call it a medically necessary procedure, but it is medically informative. We need to know if there's a problem now. Yeah, get the baseline. That's right. And he's like, you know.
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Once a year. Scan me up. Once a year. Send the time you're 20. Get them done. And that way you got a baseline and you know if something changes, there's a problem. Go look into it. Motherfucker. Let's go to Turkey. If anybody out there has any connections with airlines, hotels, money... Bank accounts that have more than one zero on it.
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What's a couple million dollars in zoning bribes amongst friends? Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, Eric Adams... I don't know what he's doing up there because I'm not in New York, but he seemed like a nice guy, and then he's taking everybody's money to build three inches outside the zone. I don't know. Guys, don't do that. Do it under the table like everybody else does it.
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Jesus, you're taking free plane tickets and writing it down in your book. It's so stupid. Okay, and then there's that other guy, Bob, whatever his name was. He was putting gold bars in his closet. Gold bars in your closet.
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Yeah. Zell somebody like everybody else does. Zell. That's how you buy your drugs. Come on, Bob. Get it together. Speaking of drugs and speaking of drugs in Turkey, the most amazing thing happened and we totally forgot to talk about it. The guy who started Silk Road. Oh, yeah. Got pardoned by Trump.
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He got pardoned by Trump. Trump is a teetotaler. He has never taken a drink, smoked a cigarette, or done drugs in his life, according to him, because his brother died, a terrible alcoholic, and I think there was some other family issues around alcohol and drugs. So he has stayed away from it. Now, whatever you think of Trump, good for you, Trump.
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If you know that's going to be problematic, then don't do it, right? I... Cannot believe that he let the guy that created Silk Road go being such a teetotaler.
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Hey, brother, let the Silk Road guy go. Yeah, there's a couple fentanyl deaths and a little bit of blood on his hands, but let him go. I don't know how I feel about this. You just started Silk Road and then people started facilitating it. I mean, you built it to facilitate drug sales.
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Mission accomplished. You got the commercial break to talk about you yet again. I'm sure that's the show of TMZ.
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Oh, I didn't know that. I didn't know Silk Road was into sex, too. I thought it was just drugs.
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Well, I mean, I didn't know you could buy sex on Silk Road. I don't know. I never went to Silk Road because, quite frankly, I am not competent enough in any computer language to figure out how to get on the dark web. I have no idea how to do that.
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Bitcoin. Yeah, if it includes Bitcoin payment, I'm not in. Yeah. I'm not in. I...
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On Silk Road? Yeah, I think so. Well, it's been so long since it's been around. Oh, Murder for Hire is probably a bad one. Sex trafficking, I agree. If it was just the drugs, I might say, all right, but if you're literally helping to facilitate Murder for Hire and children getting bought and sold, no way.
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Uh-uh, dude, you need to go to jail, spend a few years, and then come out the other end a clear, crisp, clean human being. Yeah. Start Facebook, too, like Mark Zuckerberg did. There's plenty of drugs and sex trafficking that goes on on Facebook, but they hire people to go to Washington and lobby on their behalf. That's how you play the game, dude. That's how you play the game.
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Obviously, obviously, somebody was lobbying on behalf of the dude from Silk Road, because you know that the dude from Silk Road probably has a big fucking bank account. And guess who else does? SPF. Sam Bankman. Oh, right. Yep. He's... He's getting apparently Trump and somebody else are talking about pardoning him, too.
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Oh, yeah. Everybody's talking about it. And so now here's the question. Did they get kicked out or were they asked to leave or did they just leave on their own? There's a lot of conflicting reports.
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Let all of them. Let all the criminals go. Sounds great. Let's kick out all the hardworking people. Fuck them. Let's start a trade war with everybody, and then let's let all the criminals go as long as they pay for the pardon. That sounds like a good idea. Unbelievable. Hey, Silk Road dude, by the way, I need some dibbity dabs. Tasty Tina. Tasty Tina. Send my way. I don't hate you personally.
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I don't know you personally. But it just seems like a weird thing for Trump to do is to pardon a dude who started a major drug, sex, and murder website, trafficking website.
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It is Anything Goes. It is Anything Goes. What do you think? You think that he can start Silk Road too? If he's pardoned for his crimes, does that allow him to then go and start another website?
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I don't know how a pardon works, but I think it's kind of like all-encompassing.
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If you get, if you... You're wiped clean. Yeah, if you're wiped clean once, you just get to do it again. Huh. Interesting.
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My opinion is that the producers at CBS, the people who are directing the show, quickly made the decision that Guy and Bianca could not be allowed anywhere on that floor for fear that she may try and complete the same type of stunt live on television. And then what would they do? They'd have to dump part of the show, right? Yeah. So, I don't know.
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Maybe I should start lobbying for a pardon. I don't know what I did wrong yet, but I'm sure there's something. I'm sure the commercial break is in violation of some statute somewhere. Yes, it is. All right. Okay. Well, hey, listen, at least we do the show with clothes on, Bianca.
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Yeah. Until we need to up our subscriptions on OnlyFans. We should do this show on OnlyFans. We should start an OnlyFans account. Rather than have a Patreon, we should go straight to OnlyFans. I wonder if anybody would pay for it. We've had lots of people say they would pay for a subscription. If we took the commercials out, they would pay for subscription. And I would do that.
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But it's just too difficult for me to put yet another version of this show together. So we're just going to deal with the commercials for now. Okay, guys. Plus, at any moment, you can take your subscription away. You know what I'm saying? Like, you make that promise now, but then, like, a month and a half in.
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Yeah, your wife starts going, hey, we need to tighten our belt around here. This $1.99 you're paying every month for commercial break? It's got to go. I know that I'll be the first thing to go in your expenditures. I know it. No one needs the commercial break. And if I keep it free, at least you can have it. As long as I continue to do it, at least you can have it. So that's what's going to stay.
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Hey, listen, if you want to be on the commercial break, call in, leave a message. 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB. Call in, leave us a short message, say something, say whatever the fuck you want to. Say it, keep it under a minute if you would, and then know that we may use that on a future opening or inside of the show content. Also, we'd love to hear from you. So many text messages.
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I'm talking to so many people. Astrid, everybody's talking to a lot of people. Join in the conversation. You can leave a text message, questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, 212-433-3TCB. Also, we'd love it if you would go to the website and request your free TCB sticker. Yes, we still do that. We haven't gotten a new sticker in a long time.
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New year, new sticker. Coming soon. So get in line, tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, right there from one location. If you hit the contact us button, drop down menu, I want my free sticker. You can give us your address and we'll send it to you.
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At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok and youtube.com slash the commercial break for all the episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio.
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But I do have to say, I think the most exciting thing about the Grammys was Bianca being naked.
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Yeah, I agree. I watched most of it. Let's review some of these just so we can get it out of the way. I thought the opening, Brittany Howard, Brad Paisley, Sheryl Crow. I liked how they focused on the fires. One of the things that I thought CBS got really right about the Grammys was allowing local businesses to have free airtime.
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And put celebrities in the commercials so they got a little bit of extra attention. My personal opinion, what a great call. Because I'm sure 30 seconds on the Grammys has got to be a million bucks. Oh, yeah. Got to be a million bucks. And I hope it moved the needle for some of those people because they desperately need it. Yeah. So they opened the show with kind of this tribute.
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I have it recorded if you want to watch it. Listen, it was a lovely – they sang the song We Love L.A., which is a – who's that guy who sings all those songs about L.A.? You know, the one that does Toy Story and – do you know who I'm talking about? Mm-hmm. No. No? Okay. Well, great. Another commercial break mishap here where we have no fucking clue what we're talking about. I Love L.A.
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is... Hold on one second. I want to get this right. I love... That's it. That was the song.
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Which is kind of weird to see all those people sing it. Randy Newman. Oh, Randy Newman. Yeah, Randy Newman has kind of an interesting career. He did I Love L.A., which was a super hit back in the late 80s, I think. Yeah. And then he went on to do all of the Toy Story movies, a lot of the Pixar stuff, which they're great songs. They're wonderful.
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But that's kind of, in my opinion, the zenith of his career is the Toy Story movies. That's kind of the best music he does. Yeah. But anyway, I love L.A. They opened up with that. And then Trevor Noah, I thought, did a job. You know, I think Trevor Noah can be so fucking funny. And I think he can be so fucking biting. And I think he's got satire for days.
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I don't think this was... I don't think he was like... I don't think this was the place for it, he felt like. So he kept it very tame, very mild, very middle of the road. So I didn't think it was particularly funny. I didn't think it was offensive. I thought it was fine. Trevor Noah is a great guy, and I thought it was fine. Which were some of the performances that you enjoyed the most?
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Oh, Shaboosie might make me go buy a country album. Shaboosie's cool.
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Chapel Roan is always sitting on that big pink pony. Dochi's amazing. Dochi... It's got me liking hip-hop again. I think Doji made an album that's worthy of some of the best albums that have been out there. Yeah, it's really good. In my opinion. Again, no hip-hop expert. I mean, I am a hip-hop expert. I can freestyle really well. I won't do it here on the commercial break.
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You better get to it, Brian. I know, Chrissy. Well, never mind. I'm not going to make that joke.
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But, I mean, if you want to, I'll tell you what, I'll make you a deal. I'll freestyle if you wear a Bianca dress.
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Dochi was amazing. I like how they strung all of those artists together, like Dochi, Teddy Swims, Shibuzi. They kind of put them in one big... Yes.
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Yeah, all the new artists, the people that were up for new artists. But Krogman wasn't up for new artists. They just came back from a commercial and they were playing.
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Yeah, and why were they separated from that whole thing?
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Okay, so they're amazing. They are. I love them. They're one of my favorite bands that's out there today. But I like how they started together. Here's what the Grammys gets right that a lot of award shows get wrong. Is that when you're celebrating the creativity and the art that these people are making, show the creativity and the art and stop all the hammering. You know what I'm saying?
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So the Grammys only had like five categories. that they announced there on the CBS, on the actual broadcast, because the rest of them were given out in an awards ceremony earlier in the day. Like, you know, best second draft audio engineering. No one fucking cares. I mean, people care in the business.
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But not the people watching CBS to see the performances in the fashion. So I think they did a good job. Listen, if the Oscars would get on this particular... you know, bandwagon here and just show parts of the movie that we really, really liked, then I think we could all agree that the Oscars might be worthy of a watch. But the Oscars is so much yammering.
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It's like three hours of fucking yammering and patting each other on the back and jacking each other off. It's hard to watch the entire thing. I think the Grammys got that part right, if I'm being honest. Sabrina Carpenter.
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Did a very complicated set piece number that kind of, to me, harkened back to some of the Madonna stuff, like just these complicated set pieces, a lot of dancers, moving parts, costume changes. Do you like Sabrina Carpenter?
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Chrissy Hoadley doesn't turn Sabrina Carpenter on.
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Yeah, you're asking the wrong guy about Sabrina Carpenter. Oh, okay. I thought you knew. Actually, the thing that surprised me is a very, very old man who is not very hip with the kids. except my own children, who are too young to know I'm not cool.
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I will say that I was surprised at how many of the artists I did know, how much of the music was familiar to me, how much I actually think I am kind of in the flow, at least the Grammys, in that flow. I mean, I knew most of the songs that were sung, except for Sabrina Carpenter. It's no knock on Sabrina. That's just not my flavor of music. Chapel Roan?
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of the show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Pardon my interruption. Hope everyone's doing well out there. What a night. What a spectacular night at the Grammys, Chrissy.
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5738 Minutes Of Bryan's Life!
Amazing. Shaboozy? Lovely. Teddy Swims? Has got a voice? that is like 350 years old. Teddy Swims is amazing. Isn't he from Lawrenceville, Georgia? Is he? He is. He's from Lawrenceville, Georgia. And let me tell you something. Lawrenceville, Georgia is not a hotbed of creativity, in case anybody doesn't live here, doesn't know.
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Lawrenceville, Georgia is not where you would expect Teddy Swims to come from. But I also think when you look at Teddy Swims, you don't expect that incredible voice to come out of that person. And it is incredible. Like soul crushing. He has really got a talent. I don't know where he got all that gravel in his throat, but I'll take that. I'll take all that you're giving me.
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5738 Minutes Of Bryan's Life!
I do have to say that I noticed during, I noticed a couple of things. Number one, it appeared that Taylor Swift was sitting on Cynthia Erivo's lap. Did you see that?
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Yeah, it appeared as if Taylor had just popped a squat right on Cynthia's lap. It seemed really weird. And I think that somebody in the production staff should have made an effort to separate the two of them a little bit so it didn't look like they were dating. It was really strange. If you watched it, then you know. Yeah.
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You do not give two fucking rat tails of a shit about anything when you're worth $2 billion. Yeah. Nothing's going to break your stride. You know that old song? Ain't nothing going to break my stride.
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Nothing. Who cares? Okay, I didn't win this Grammy. I've won 35 other Grammys. I've got a shelf full of them in one of my 36 houses across the world. There's two of them on my private plane. My first private plane. Not my second private plane that I used for Travis. Hey, listen, good for her. Absolutely. She's there to have fun. Yeah.
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It's hard to be a spoil sport when you've already won everything. And if she was kind of bratty about it, Taylor is a PR genius. She really is. Say what you will about her. Love her. Hate her. Be a Swifty. Don't be a Swifty. Think it's all bullshit. Whatever. Taylor has crafted an image. That is almost untouchable. Now, everything is touchable, but it's almost untouchable.
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I do know people that don't like her. Yeah, I'll name one after we get off the break here. Somebody we know very well, but they don't like her because... Man or woman? Woman.
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Mm hmm. Woman, for reasons that are just, in my opinion, petty and being silly and looking for dirt. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, you know, oh, a billionaire. There's an argument out there that billionaires can't be billionaires unless they do some really terrible things to other human beings.
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Is there no sacred space anymore? No. Is there no sacred ground?
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I understand the premise of the argument. I understand that if you do kind of like a big thought experiment in your head, imagining all the ways that billionaires fuck people over in order to get their money, that that might make sense. But I don't think that that – I don't think any – stereotype is 100% true.
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Like, who did she screw in order to get her a million dollars?
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That one dude? That one dude? What was his name? Scooter? Scooter Braun? Okay, Scooter Braun.
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He screwed her. She screwed him. Now everybody's screwing each other. Who fucking cares? Billionaires pissing over $300 million. Who cares? You got to admit, Taylor's done a great job for herself.
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5738 Minutes Of Bryan's Life!
And I celebrate it. I say congratulations to Taylor. But I also noticed... That especially like when Sabrina Carpenter was playing, the way that CBS had the camera angles, I noticed that there were a lot of people in the audience that were just generally chitting and chatting over. I thought I saw that too.
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When you're doing, when you're literally doing it. Nude. Yeah, you're doing an ovulation test, walking down the red carpet, then there you go.
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Yeah. I mean, come on, guys. You're lucky enough to get an invite to the Grammys. Sit on the fucking floor. The best seats you'll ever get to anything ever in your entire life, and then all you can do is fucking pass cocaine back and forth and yammer the entire time? Give the girl a break. You may not be a Serena Carpenter fan, and maybe that particular...
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How it affected their— One of them they monitored down here on Earth. One was up in space for over a year, and then they determined how—because they're— identical twins, theoretically, everything is exactly the same. I mean, not theoretically. Scientifically, they're exactly the same. So they get to determine.
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They get to have a control model and an experiment model, and they get to figure all that out, which is pretty smart when you think about it. See, this is why those guys at NASA... Shouldn't be listening to the commercial break. We don't want to dumb you down.
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We need you to be at your sharpest. Maybe that's why that Boeing space capsule is still up there. It's because everyone at the Kennedy Space Center is tuning into the commercial break and not paying attention to their jobs. Now, listen, I know that's not NASA. That's Boeing. So if there's any Boeing employees that are listening to me, please do me a favor.
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Turn us off and pay attention to what you're doing. We need those doors on that airplane. And I'm sure we have a few Boeing employees that listen to us. That's a big, huge company. But, yeah, you know, I'm flattered that someone at NASA would listen to us. I'm excited that those two astronauts have made their way back down to Earth. I'm really excited, actually.
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I'm, like, genuinely excited for them because I know what a great feeling that must be.
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But, yes. But, yes. You know. I one time went to Costa Rica for like a month, month and a half. Yes. And I thought this is going to be the best time of my life. And it was in a lot of ways. But after week number three-ish, I was like, why did I do a month and a half? You know what I'm saying? Like, I got an apartment. I got people there.
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I got things I could be doing, you know, and I'm stuck there because at that time I didn't, I was young and I didn't know how I could call and change my arrangements.
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We went and I stayed for three and a half weeks and you were there for a week. So I was there for two weeks after you were. No, that wasn't the time. But I was there for a longer period of time at one point.
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Yeah. And listen, I loved the people I was with. I loved where I was at. But I was in the jungle of Costa Rica. I wasn't like in some, you know, resort down in Punta Reynos or something like that. Punta Reynos. I don't know. Punch Uranus. I wasn't down there at Punch Uranus. I was up in the middle of nowhere with satellite internet service, which just to let you know, you could. Sucks. Yeah.
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And this was like 15 years ago. So you could stream a movie, but everybody had to be asleep and everything else had to be turned off. And then you had to buffer. Like you had to load it for an hour before you could watch it. But what I'm saying is that I really enjoyed in the moment what I was doing. But by week number three, I was feeling a little bit like this. I'm ready. Yeah, I'm restless.
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I want to get home. I want to be at my home. And. It took me another three weeks to get there. Nine months. And some people will say, these are the best in breed. They've been trained to do this. There's no emergency. There's lots of food and oxygen and rest and water and all that other stuff. They're in no danger whatsoever. I'm sorry. The second you leave the ground, you are in danger.
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No matter what vehicle you're in, you're in danger. Right.
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Nine months. Nine months. And I don't care how steely-eyed these commanders were, you have to— There's going to be a movie made.
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Of course there is. There's going to be a movie made. George Clooney and— George Clooney.
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Yeah, sure. George Clooney, Sandra Bullock in part two of Stuck in Space or whatever that was.
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Oh, the documentary is coming quick. With the people and everything. HBO's on that. That'll be out in a year. Don't worry about it. Netflix, HBO, Hulu. Somebody's going to be on that. But I want the dramatic retelling of like a Groundhog Day for nine months where they keep telling you, don't worry, we're fixing the jet engines, the propulsion or whatever.
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And then they keep just like, you know, stringing you along. You're getting increasingly anxious and nervous. It's going to be a great movie. It's going to be the real Groundhog Day. And I just feel glad that they're home and I hope they're having cheeseburgers and naps.
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Best to you. Two astronauts. Two astronauts who were probably listening to us in space, I would imagine. Yeah. Why not? All right. Last week, before we had TCB infomercial Tuesday, last Friday, Chrissy and I started to dig into Carl Lentz from Hillsong Church. His triumphant return, his big apology tour has started. He's got his new podcast.
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And he has decided that with his wife sitting in the room, he is going to tell all of us how they are going to move forward from the tragedy. He had the balls to call it a tragedy. The tragedy.
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Yeah. Well. Of course he does. He brought it on himself, but let us all think it's a tragedy. As if, you know, a hurricane came swooping his dick into a random babysitter. Yeah. Don't think that's how it happened, but okay. And listen, I want to say this. I believe in second chances. I think we all make mistakes. I've made a lot in my life. I'll make many more. And I'll apologize in advance.
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I'm sorry. I'm just feeling like this is not the most sincere of apologies. I think Carl needs money and he sees that that bank account is emptying quickly. How can I get back on the gravy train by apologizing and telling everyone I have a new mission to walk with the Lord? And yeah, strap in or strap on, Carl's back. He's going to have a new church in no time.
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Oh, I'm going to strap on this Bieber hat. And Carl Lentz is going to make his triumphant return to the commercial break after just two days gone. Yeah. He's going to make his triumphant return. So let's get that teed up and we'll be back to continue our conversation with Carl Lentz.
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Yeah, he's not even, he's telling his wife what to say, basically. But anyway, we'll get into it.
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Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. Okay, here we are again with Carl Lentz, our good friend from the Hillsong Church.
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We did make a deal with Disney+, Max.com, Hulu, SiriusXM, and Spotify to do a number of documentaries, Chrissy, but that was it. What was it? Besides The Sun, The Globe, Washington Post, New York Times, my own blog, my vlog, this new podcast, and Logan Paul's video cast.
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Best friends with Bieber for a period of time. He was caught...
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preaching on a full dick as i like to say with his hard sword of the lord and a couple of lovely ladies yes victory v and a yoga instructor and a babysitter and dropping cash at somebody's mom's house to make sure she didn't talk there's a lot of shenanigans going on with carl and he got caught and he's explained on friday you can go back and listen to it he's explained the moment when it all went down and where they were and how they got there nowhere to go
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Nowhere to go. They got kicked out of the house they were staying at. I imagine somebody regarding somebody had to do that. Somebody famous or somebody had to do with the church was not having it. They did not want all that kind of drama in front of their apartment or their condo. So now we are getting to the point where Carl's having a conversation with his wife.
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His wife is asking some questions to Carl and Carl is then telling her what to ask, when to ask it, how to ask it, because that's what you do. Oh, let me get my phone out here. to make sure that if Carl calls, we've got it. Hey, girl. Hey, Christian.
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Well, I just got to say, it's been a long time since I had an opportunity to preach to the fairer sex. And also, it's hard looking at just the same tits night after night after night. And that's not the way the Lord has taught us. He said, thou shalt have variety in the nipples and the navels. And the good word of the Lord preaches it to us.
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But I got this girl, my wife, she's just not understanding of the Bible right now because, you know, I did accidentally slip and jizz all over the babysitter. And so I just, I don't know how to say this and make sure that I'm in touch and in step with all that God has given us. Can I see your tits? Yeah. Send me a picture. I'll Venmo you over a couple dollars. Thanks, Chrissy.
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Tell Jeff I said hello. He's going to heaven if you send me a picture of your tits.
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It was the not letting go part that was hard. That's where I got in some trouble. That's when I got a little revved up. High on coffee. Full of semen. I needed to let it go, as Elsa would say. Let it go. Let it blow. All right. Well, let me get back to my apology. I'll call you later, Chrissy.
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It's not fair to the, by some accounts, millions of people who are tuning in, showing up at your church, giving you guys money, you know, dancing to the techno music.
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bead of the Lord I don't know what you guys were doing over that church Bieber and Haley and all those people who it's not fair to is the people that you were standing up there preaching about all the piety that you needed everyone else to adhere to while you were living the rock star lifestyle it was hypocrisy that's what wasn't fair I don't care about the I mean I don't care about the cheating because it didn't happen to me I don't think you did right by your wife or your kids but that's that's my own personal moral compass and
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It's the part where you tell everybody else to do something, but you refuse to adhere to that yourself. It's hypocrisy.
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Let it rain and it will grow. And it is growing, Chrissy. And that is why I'm calling upon you today to... First of all, $19.95 plus $19.95 shipping and handling, and you get access to my new app called LetItGoLentz.com. And then also, you get a discount if you allow me inside your universe. And by universe, I mean uterus. And that's just how we do it here at Let It Go Lentz.
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Yeah, boy! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Now, listen, taking your own life is nothing to be joking about. No, no, no.
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That's right. Spend another 38 minutes on the highest setting in your tanning bed at the house and then get out of it, put on your gold chains, and let's start a podcast.
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That's what you mean, right, Carl? Because I'm pretty sure that's what you're saying without saying it. Some men that have chosen not to leave because they're getting paid to do so. Your agent, your attorney, your manager, that's who you count on in these moments. Every celebrity does. If you don't get dropped by them, that's what happens. But a cheating scandal, you know, that's for a PR company.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. How the hell are you? You know, we haven't had a chance to talk about this yet, and it's... Way after the fact now, but you heard it here last on the commercial break, as you always do. I just might let you know that, that if you're listening, you're hearing information you heard already.
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We did make a deal with Disney+, Max.com, Hulu, SiriusXM, and Spotify to do a number of documentaries, Chrissy, but that was it, besides The Sun, The Globe, Washington Post, New York Times. My own blog, my vlog, this new podcast, and...
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logan paul's videocast i mean that's quiet hey listen for me that's quiet for me that's quiet that's quiet i also did another babysitter a couple dances listen you can take the lens out of the pants but you can't take the pants out of the lens you know what i'm saying
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The two astronauts stuck in space for almost nine months have had an opportunity to return home to their... Planet of origin here on Earth. And thanks to SpaceX. I mean, there's no other way to put that. Even NASA said without Trump's intervention and Elon, those two would have probably not gotten home for a long time because there were no scheduled rocket launches scheduled.
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By the way, to be fair, the commercial break included. I reached out to Lance and I got no response.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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No scheduled rescuable, I don't know, vehicles to go up there and get them down. And that fucking Boeing piece of shit is still floating around up there, stuck on the space station. Unbelievable. I mean, what a bad string of luck for Boeing. I mean, I just guess they're bad at what they do now. But doors flying off, wings falling out, planes falling out of the sky, and then they can't...
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They get billion, billion, billion dollar contracts from the government to make a space capsule and they can't even get the thing to fly home. It's kind of an embarrassment. But, you know, in this case, I will give it to Trump and to Elon. They got somebody up there to drive them home, I guess, an Uber up to the ISS. Yeah. And now they're back home, frailer than they were before.
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After nine months in space, everything changes. Your body, your eyeball structure changes. Did you know that? I did not. So gravity helps to keep the shape of your eyes. So when there is no gravity, your eyes change shape because the fluid around it and they're just kind of squishy textured. So they change. The eyes change shape.
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Well, I'd like you to come on a commercial break and make amends with us because we had a whole character based on you. And then you went away for two years and we had to put the character away. And what about us, Carl? What about us? What about our show? What about the things that you, the pain that you caused us and me personally?
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A whole lot of buzzwords over and over and over again. I think you made your point. Now.
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People want to pay me to get an ad-free version of this episode. I can't change it. I can't. What am I supposed to do, Chrissy? Money's just hitting me in the head. I can't help it.
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So when you get back down to Earth and then gravity is pulling on your eyeballs again, some people have trouble seeing like clearly. And so it takes them a while for that eyeball to change. get that shape back. So there's all kinds of consequences to being up in space for that long. No surprise there. I mean, when you don't have gravity, it's just much easier on everything.
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You fucked hot girls. That were under your guise. Or maybe not. Maybe you were having sex with multiple women, some of which were part of your church, some of which were not a part of your church. I don't know because you haven't told that part of the story. That seems to be the one part of the story you're avoiding. Yeah. I don't think anyone ever blamed your wife for that.
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Maybe some people did, but I don't think anyone ever blamed your wife for that. But that is not an addiction. That is some dumb thinking. That is some dumb, dumb thinking. That's all it is. Not everything in life is an addiction. Here we go. Psycho psychoanalyzing sub sub sub genre of mental health illness is to make a category specifically for us. The reason why we did these things.
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But the truth is, it's just a dumb decision. To have sex when you're such a public figure with people who clearly may or may not decide to have their own agency and go out there and tell that story. You got caught. That's what happened. It's not an addiction. It's a dumb decision.
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I mean, complicit. Why would his wife be complicit?
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Or maybe they had an open marriage. Oh, maybe that's what people thought.
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Huh. Now that's a twist I could get with. Now that's a TLC reality show waiting to happen. Yes, it is. Carl Lentz, the thruple.
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Okay, this is going to be another. They're going to jack each other off here for the next 30 minutes, and I don't know that I'm with it. I don't even know that I need to platform all the BS. Listen, I hope that he is a changed guy. That's all I can say. I hope he's a changed guy. We've had some good laughs at his expense. And we might continue to do that.
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I'll say that Carl is a character in our universe that is exaggerated probably from the real human being. He's obviously in a lot of pain. He put a lot of people through a lot of pain. And I do hope that he is a reformed dude because everyone deserves a second chance, including Carl. And I don't think what he's done is the worst sin in the world.
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But what's the first thing you are eating when you get back?
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I think that my opinion is the hypocrisy at the church is more damning than anything, at least to the wider universe, than anything that he did, you know, in personal indiscretions. That's painful to his wife and his children. But... More of that religious, you know, let me take your money and hope everything works out kind of thing. So I hope Bieber forgives you.
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Yeah, that's the one I want to know. Bieber, call us. Bieber's on his own terror right now. What's going on with him? You see, he's all kind of a mess. Yeah, he's like making posts that are weird and you didn't know. Look into it. Google it when you get home. They do a little hunting, pecking. And I don't know. I don't know. But that's just what's on there.
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Yeah, but like the last few months, apparently like more erratic and people are a little concerned, wondering if he's trolling or what the deal is. I don't know. I don't know. But some people think he was caught up in some of that Diddy stuff, and maybe that's kind of leaking out the side of his brain.
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They're doing pre-motion trials right now, back and forth, and the government's putting more evidence in, and lawyers are trying to get more evidence out.
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Sentenced? Sentenced, yes. Well, if even half of it is true or a quarter of it or a tenth of it, it's pretty bad stuff. So let's see. Innocent vote proven guilty. That's the way that it is. But it sure does look, from my point of view, like some shenanigans were going on there. All right. More shenanigans on the tcbpodcast.com website.
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I'm having a fat cheeseburger with as many French fries as I can stuff down my gullet, a milkshake, and some vagina.
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All the audio, all the video, all of our shenanigans right there from one location. At the commercial break on Instagram, tcbpodcast on TikTok and youtube.com slash the commercial break. For all the video, the same day it airs here on the audio, 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, or a voicemail if you'd like to be on the show. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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Hi, thanks. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Oh, yeah. For you, an entire bottle of wine. For me, a whole box of cream and cereal. Yeah. I'm going on a run. I'm going on an epic run. I'm putting that weight back on immediately. Because I can only imagine that the worst part about being stuck in space, besides not knowing if you're ever going to come home to your planet, is not being able to eat anything that tastes like anything.
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That's space food. I don't think it's gotten much better. I don't know.
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It's just got to be awful. Yeah, it's all freeze-dried. You can't have liquidy stuff up there, nothing with juices in it, because then the juice flies everywhere. So everything's got to be freeze-dried. And while I'm sure that they've gotten better at the taste of things, the texture of things is probably not very good. Maybe they have hamburgers, but they're completely dry, dried out.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
It's just all got to be gross at the end of the day. And you can only take so much of that. It's not like they have a chef up there preparing meals. You're eating a certain variety.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
variety of food and you're eating it over and over again thank god for that iss or they would have been fucked those who would have been like that is my nightmare about space kids there it is right there is that we get up there and then in some interstellar weird situation 150 years has passed by before i get to come home to earth and everybody's much older than i am like that's the weird shit that goes on in space that i'm not cool with i we're not there yet
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
We're not there. Space travel is not common. It's not like taking a cruise or a train or a plane. When we get there, if we get there in my lifetime, then possibly I would consider it if it was something that had been done hundreds of thousands or millions of times.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
Yeah. And there's like a Ritz-Carlton up there. You know what I'm saying? Like there's like an indoor pool and gravity and a chef to cook you meals. The moon Ritz. The Ritz a la moon. The Luna Ritz. Ritz Luna.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
La Luna Ritz. If there's one of those up there and they figured out the gravity thing and the food thing and everything else and not having my eyeball change into a weird shape and not being able to see when I get home, I already can't see. If I go up to space, I'm fucked. I'm coming home blind.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
Hey, listen, some people might think that way. I know, for me, it would be the exact opposite. That I, in fact, would be fucked. That I would have no sight when I got home. Okay, so that was exciting news. I watched the splashdown. I saw them take them out of the capsule and all that. I thought that was very... A big deal. Yeah, it's a big deal. And I felt happy for them. And...
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
So right around that time, I get a text message on our hotline here. And that text message has a picture of a picture of those two astronauts as that news is, you know, the news is they're coming home. We're going to get them back down right before the, you know, maybe a week before they actually splash down. I get a picture of a picture of those two astronauts.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
It's a picture of them like on a wall. And somebody who's been writing us for a while says, here, check out these two. I pass by them every day on my way to the bathroom. And I'm like, well, let me respond to this one personally, because I want to understand exactly what kind of office you're working in where you have pictures of astronauts near the bathroom.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
You know, the one that every astronaut in the history of ever has ever had. You know what I'm talking about.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
No bubble head. And the suits have gotten prettier. I will give them that. They have managed to get those suits now just look like a jumper, essentially. Now, how they keep space out, I'm not sure. But I don't want any space in my suit. In my space suit, I want no space. You know what I'm saying? But anyway, so I think to myself...
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
Well, either this guy works in a place where they really, really like space or he has some important job where they have pictures of astronauts on the wall. Let me respond directly. And since I've talked to him before, I say, hey, man, why exactly do you have pictures of these two near your bathroom? And he says, because I work at the Kennedy Space Center. That's why.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
And I'm like, you work for NASA? Yeah. Wow. Yes, I do. Well, you may be a little excited that you're talking to Brian from the commercial break. Why? I have no idea. I mean, you know, I'm just a dude. But I am extra excited that I am talking to an actual rocket engineer, like, you know, a guy who helps people go to space. Yes. That's amazing. I'm so excited about this. And I really was.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
I was like fanboying a little bit. I'm like, wow, a NASA person is actually listening to the commercial break. To which I reply, well, there's a first for every, I mean, you know, I'm like paraphrasing here. There's a first for everything. You must be the first person in the history of the commercial break that works at NASA and is listening to the commercial break.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
To which he responds, probably not. I think I know differently. And I don't want to get into all the details because I don't want, you know, I don't know if he wants to be known or doesn't want to be known. But I suspect there may be some fans of ours working at NASA.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
And to which I say, what in the good fuck is going on at NASA that there are commercial break fans working at the highest levels of intellectual institutes? Do you know what I'm saying?
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
No knock on you. And the point is taken. And I would say, yes, it's like Brian tuning in to Seven Little Johnsons while he's editing the show. Correct. Just to have some noise on in the background and see if I can hear something interesting. It would be like that if either of us were employed in the business of sending people to space and we're not. We are just too dumb. I mean, I'm a dumb, dumb.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
You're relatively smart, but I'm a dumb, dumb editing a podcast that no one gives a shit about, except for maybe a few people at NASA. I mean, that is just like to me, that's really exciting stuff. I go to bed thinking to myself, wow, we we did it.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
Yes, seven degrees of dum-dums. Yes, seven degrees of dum-dums, at which point you reach someone intelligent is in that seven degrees. That's right. I'm excited because someone with intelligence has reached our sphere of influence here. That's crazy. I am definitely feeling, I don't know, a sense of... A little pep in yourself? Yeah, I got a little pep in myself.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
A sense of achievement, a sense of accomplishment that someone who is much, much smarter than I am and probably actually went to school and paid attention is, you know... listening to our show and enjoying it. I think that's great. I think it's great.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
So to the NASA employees out there who are listening to the show or employee, however many of you there are, I will tell you that we love your mission. I am all about it. And even though you will never catch me putting on one of those spacesuits with no space, I will tell you right now that I appreciate what you're doing because I think it is important. I do think space exploration is important.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
I went to that one that's over in Huntsville, Huntsville, Alabama, space camp, which a lot of my friends went to for the summer. Yes. Like the month long, you know, your parents pay ten thousand dollars and you, you know, do the thing. But apparently that not only I don't think I don't know if it exists anymore. I'm sure in some form or fashion it does.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
But apparently not only was that fun for the kids, but in some cases could help to fast track you to a space program. Like you could go work at NASA. That was one of the things you could put on your resume that would say, hey, listen, I'm interested in working here. I went to space camp. Now, I don't know how many kids that went to space camp actually became astronauts, but I'm sure there's a few.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
There's got to have been a few, right, throughout the years. Definitely. I never went to space camp, but I went to the Huntsville Space Center. And that is where I stuck a pizza onto the ceiling and poured 320 pixie sticks into the hotel air conditioner room and made everybody three and a half hours late because I had to clean it.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
So I think if it wasn't clear from the beginning that I was not going to be qualified to work at NASA... I'm sure they have that on my record somewhere.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
It's got to be on my record somewhere. But we did go, and we did get to do a few of the things. I think we were there for two days, and we did get to do some of the things that you would do in space camp, ride that twirly-whirly thing, you know, which I remember was not a pleasant feeling particularly. It was like, you know, and we were kids. I think they were giving us the kid version of the ride.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
But that thing, you know, the circular thing where they spin you around in all kind of different directions? Yes. I do remember vaguely being in that. I do remember it not being a pleasant feeling because, of course, it's not. You're just throwing your lunch all over the place. And while I love rides, roller coasters, any of that stuff, get me on it tomorrow. I love it.
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NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
That I don't think I felt like it was a pleasant feeling. What else did we do? I think we got to go in like a simulated space shuttle and, you know, press the buttons, stuff like that. We got to put on some of the gear.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
We got to look at the, you know, they always have to put you through the boring part too, where you look at what they actually do in space with experiments and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I just wanted the fun stuff. Rocket, rocket ride up, rocket ride down. That's what I wanted to be a part of. But then I had to go through the boring stuff to get there too. So, you know, never.
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
Experiments. It's the only mission of those things. And to release, you know, secret CIA spy satellites. That's it. That's the only thing that they do. There's no purpose to being in space except to determine if we can, in fact, carve space. carve a way to make a life up there in space longer than whatever. What's the current record? 165, I mean, 390 days or something like that?
The Commercial Break
NASA Is Listening...To TCB?!
Yeah. And I think that guy, one of the senators, don't we have a senator now? Yeah, there was two twins. Mark Kelly? Yeah, the Kelly twins. Mark Kelly and John Kelly, I think. Yeah, yeah.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Probably a lawyer told her to do that. Yeah, exactly. Yes. A lawyer probably said, hey.
The Commercial Break
You'll Always Have Chipper!
They might be investigating you. Yeah. Well, I mean, it is a pretty obvious scam. It's a pretty obvious scam. And despite what everyone involved in it says, it's an obvious scam. So the hot to a girl, no more. All right. So let's do this. Let us take a short break. And we come back. We're going to continue to celebrate New Year's with you. We're going to make some college football predictions.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
We're going to try and keep one or two men around the listenership around here.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, okay. Here, you got one right there. All right, we're getting saucy on a New Year's Day here on The Commercial Break. We'll be back.
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And thanks to Chime Credit for being a sponsor of the commercial break. This episode is sponsored in part by ShipStation. Well, if you've been listening to the commercial break over the holidays, then you know that Chrissy, Christina, and I have been hard at work knocking out 25 episodes in one single month. So we understand just how chaotic a business can be.
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And remember, whatever you shave, welcome to the club. Thanks to Dollar Shave Club for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
We don't need no Hollywood production staff around here. We got our own smoke machines. Fuck you.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Fuck all the agents and the smoke machines. We got it covered. Fuck it. We'll do it live. All right. Happy New Year. We're back. Let's make some college football playoff predictions.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Let's assume that Notre Dame is going to win that one, though Indiana, I think, is a pretty good team this year. Let's assume Notre Dame is going to do that one. On yesterday, New Year's Eve, we would have had, you make these predictions, and then we'll see if they come true. Okay. SMU at Penn State. Number 11 against number 6. Who are you going to go with? I'm going to write these down.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
We'll see what happens. Penn State. Okay. Chrissy says Penn State. Do you have any interest in college football? Yeah, of course. Do you? No. No. Okay. I didn't think so.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I stepped foot on a campus with a football team once.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I dated a girl and went to an SEC school once. Right. I wrote on my resume one time I went to a school without a football team. I didn't get that job, though. Didn't get that job. Background checks.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
All right. Number 12, Clemson against number five, Texas.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Okay. So you're going to say Clemson. Are you going to say Clemson? I don't know. I'm also going to say Penn State. Okay. And I'm going to say Texas.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Okay. I think that Texas, I think their butt hurt a little bit about the two Georgia losses in a year. So I think they're going to come back rowdy and ready to go. All right. Another game being played on New Year's Eve is the Boise State-Penn State game.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, I'm sorry. Boise State against the... We're playing Duke. Well, it's going to be Penn State because they won. This is like the next bracket.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah, it's a bracket now. That's how they're doing it now. That's how they're doing it now. This concludes the football portion of the commercial break.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Boise State got a bye because they're ranked number three. Yes. So they're number three. Penn State will be number six. You predicted Penn State will win. So those will be the two that play. I also predicted Penn State would win. So it's number three against number six.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And Chipper came, and we were all sitting in a booth, and Chipper slid in, and man was he miffed. He was hot. He was hot. He came in hot. But at that time, nothing else, nothing was going on. So the first thing that this young lady does is head to the bathroom. So that me and Chipper are there alone. And I'm like, so, hey, Chip, what's going on? And he's like, he's like, you tell me, bro.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
You're going Penn State. Okay, Penn State makes it to the next one.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, you do? Or Pennsylvania. What's your connection to Penn?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Okay, I'm going to go Boise State because I think they're really good. And why do I think that? Because they have a three in front of their head. Because they have a three and the other one has a six in front of it. This is exactly how people choose brackets for basketball. And that's why March Madness, that's why I lose $50 every March. Because I go, oh, well, they're number four.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
They're number 12. They must win. Having no knowledge of any of it. All right. And today, as we sit here, as you're listening to this show, here's the games that are being played. Number four against Arizona State and the Texas Clemson winner. So we said Texas was going to win. So Arizona State, number four against Texas, number five. Who's winning that game?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I'm going to go Texas also. So, so far, we're here. We're almost together except for the Penn State one. All right. Number one, Oregon versus Ohio State or Tennessee State?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Okay. You're going to say Tennessee. I'm going to say Ohio State. Love you, but I don't think that Tennessee is going to beat Ohio. Why do I not think that? Because the numbers are different. Yeah, that's right. Because their colors are better. Yeah.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
All right, and then the final game on today, January 1st, is going to be Georgia versus the Notre Dame-Indiana winner. We picked Notre Dame, so I have to say Georgia. I'm going Georgia as well. And they are looking good.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Okay, so we got Georgia, and you got Georgia, Georgia. So really, it's going to be for you, Penn State versus Texas, Tennessee versus Georgia. That will be very interesting. For me, it will be Boise State, Texas, Ohio, Georgia. That is also an interesting matchup. I like it. So my prediction is that the Bulldogs win this all. Let me tell you this.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Because I've been watching all the games this season, or some of all the games this season, and Georgia has had two incredible games where they went multiple overtime. Didn't they go nine overtimes? Seven overtimes? There was a lot. In one of those games? It was crazy. It went on until midnight. They just kept on moving back up and down the field.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
no that was not the overtime one because georgia won the the seven overtime one that was against uh i can't remember who was against anyway we don't know anything about football so fuck us so here's my prediction if i had to say as a very educated college sportsman guy i would say that georgia's gonna win because they look not so great at the beginning carson beck this this guy who throws the ball guy he that guy who throws the ball guy he tries to
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Lamborghini. He drives a Lamborghini. And that's all I need to know about him. He's my kind of guy. It goes fast. Because nothing says humble sports guy like Lamborghini at 18 years old. Yeah.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. Five years ago, he probably would have been driving a 2003 Accord, and they just would have put money in his mom's account. But now they can actually pay him directly, so they give him a Lamborghini. How did he get a fucking Lamborghini? Anyway, Lamborghini went straight to his head.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Did I say Labraghini? You did. Lamborghini. Labraghini. It's a new breed. It's a Lamborghini. Welcome to the AKC show. It's like a Labradoodle, only with a tailpipe. They're all the rage in the Hamptons, the Lamborghini. It's a mix between a Labrador Retriever and a Porcini Mushroom.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It keeps your brain strong while not pissing on your carpet, protects the doors. They're lovely. They don't walk so good. And they bark a little weird.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah, they've got hip problems. Because all those dogs have hip problems. They do. Because every one of those fucking breeds has a hip problem. I saw the other day an Instagram reel, literally in a puppy mill, like in a convention center where they were showing off new breeds of dog. And this guy was so excited.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
You're probably smoking crack cocaine. Aw yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my hungover friend Chrissy. Best to you, Chrissy.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
He's like, this is a, you know, it's a mix between a Labradoodle and a Poopadoodle and a Zoopadoodle. It's a Fluffadoodle. And he's like, this is all the rage in Japan. It's this little tiny thing with these big eyeballs. And it was like, it couldn't keep its head up. It was a Pokemon.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It couldn't keep its head up. It kept falling to the side. And I was like, that poor thing. It's missing chromosomes.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
They're not supposed to be bred like that. Dogs are meant to be inbred. Just keep breeding them the same. That's how it goes. That's why mutts are so smart. Exactly. When they try to make those designer dogs, they end up being like Blue.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. Blue's not even a fucking Yorkie. I got to be honest with you. We bought a Yorkie, but that's not a Yorkie. You don't have papers. Yorkies are small. I have no papers. Papers. Papers. I bought it in a double wide. Conyers, Georgia.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. We also went to the world's biggest hoity-doity down or whatever it was, the Hokey Pokey Bar, whatever the fuck it was.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
That place was terrible. That's where like Chipper Jones showed up drunk and... Was mad at me because I was screwing his girlfriend and he was married. What? Yes. Okay. Dive in, please.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
All right. I got to tell this story. Chipper... I love you. You probably don't even remember this because God bless you, child. But Jeffrey Jones is a very famous baseball player in the 90s and 2000s for the Braves. He's like, he will go down in history as one of the best Braves players ever. He was truly a franchise man. He played the Braves almost his entire career.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. I'm easing you in this time. Easing you in. So that when you wake up from your hangover, you don't feel terrible. I'm so drinky.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
But Chipper had a way with the ladies. Yes, he did. And this was no secret.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
He was a handsome dude, third baseman. He could sit there all summer long and just talk to the girls on the side because he was playing third base. And Chipper had a couple of kids out of wedlock. He ended up dating a Hooters girl. That Hooters girl got pregnant. And he had his problems being faithful. And I don't think this was any secret to anybody who knew Chipper or even didn't know Chipper.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah, like a lot of sports people. Sports, yeah. Sports man's people. The sports man's people. Ben Carson, the football thrower guy. The football thrower guy. So Jimford took a liking to some of the cheerleaders for the Braves. They were called the Braves, the Bravers or something, the Brave Girls or whatever. Well, Brian also took a liking to the Braver Girls, too. Yes, he did.
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A lot. And there was a young lady who was there who we kind of kindled a little flame for the summer.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes, it was a Yule log. It was more like a, I don't know.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It was more like a Boy Scout trying to start a fire for the first time. Fumbling around with his stick, his twigs and berries. You know what I'm saying? But anyway, she was lovely. But I knew pretty early on because she told me that she was also involved with Chipper Jones. And I thought to myself, well, you know, whatever. Let me dive in. If it's good enough for Chipper, it's good enough for me.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I should do this. I should do this. This sounds like a great idea. Yeah. Why not? I mean, Chipper's married. I'm not, you know, let her have her cake and eat it, too. What do I care? So but here's the thing.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
So it got hot and heavy for a few weeks, but then I just decided it was best just to be friends because I didn't want I really didn't want to, like, be on the bad side of a professional baseball player who didn't whose personal life seemed to be a little bit of a disaster. And he would oftentimes look at us sitting in his seats at the Braves Stadium, not lovingly. That's just the eye that I got.
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I know. Look at you. You little drunky skunky. Chrissy's our little drunky skunky. Listen, every podcast needs one. That's right. Brianna has Grace. I have Chrissy. Have you been keeping up with this whole thing about Brianna Chicken Fry and Grace O'Malley?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
So when Chipper came to this bar. It was this huge bar. Huge. Huge honky-tonk.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, flip cup. Yeah, flip cup when that was a popular thing to do. Back in the 70s when that was a thing.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
back in the disco years we used to twirl and touch but then came country western and my arm got sore so he came and this young lady was there at our invite it was like a it was all the 94.9 the bowl all the braves people everybody was there i invited her she came chrissy and i took an uber it took seven days to get there and seven thousand dollars from where we lived in downtown Atlanta.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. And Chipper came, and we were all sitting in a booth, and Chipper slid in, and man was he miffed. He was hot. He was hot. He came in hot. But at that time, nothing was going on. So the first thing that this young lady does is head to the bathroom so that me and Chipper are there alone. And I'm like, so, hey, Chip, what's going on? And he's like, you tell me, bro. And I was like,
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I have no idea what you're talking about. And he was like, yeah, I bet, bro.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
He had a few. And he was like, yeah, I bet, bro. And I was like, listen, Chipper, nothing. Whatever. It's done. We're over. We're over. Chipper, buddy. I'm done having an affair with her. Now you can continue. Okay? We're sharing. We're buddies. We're vulva buddies. All right. I don't know what to tell you. What do you want me to do? And he was hot.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And, you know, so it we there was uncomfortableness for like five minutes as she went to the bathroom. I just kind of muddled my way through a conversation. And then when she came back, I left. But this wasn't the last time.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I know. I was like, OK, Chrissy, let's go. Time to go. And then we took another $7,000 cab ride where we were like, can you put $5 on this card and $6 on this card? And I have $20 in cash. And then do you take Diner's Club? Do you take Groupon? Remember when that was a thing? Do you take Groupon?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I think they forced us to buy Groupons at Clear Channel.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
We did. Like the clear day, half days or something, clear days.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, the sponsors would come to us and then every day it was a new thing.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It was a lot of massage and nail places. Let's be honest about it. They didn't have enough money to advertise, so they would give a deal out and then they would get talked about on air. It was like a way to bring them into work. It was...
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah. Well, listen, there's a lot of things in my life that if you would ask me what I regretted in 2013 or seven or whatever it was, I would have been like dating Chipper Jones girlfriend. But we remained friends for me and this young lady remained friends for a long time. Yeah. And so because I like he would talk to her when, you know, while he was like,
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I am not the only one keeping up with this. Okay, Christine is a little bit tuned into this. All right, so here it is. You ready? Okay, and happy New Year's, everybody.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
He would talk to her on the field and he would come over and talk to her on this other thing. And so I learned I knew which seats were chippers, like the ones that he could give away for his family, that his family was suspiciously never there. It was always her or some of her friends or whatever. And so I always stayed out of those seats from moving forward.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I was like, I don't want to end up in the bar with me. What's that?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah, and up in the bar with you. And then I had this pass where I could walk down in the locker room, right? I could walk down where the players went. I could park over there. I could go inside the locker. I could go in the – they don't – I'm sure they do not do this anymore. But back then it was a little more loosey-goosey.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I could walk in past the police officer down under the stadium, and I could walk straight into the stadium where the players walked into the stadium. And I just remember one time, weeks after this whole happened, all this happened, and I'm walking past the part with all the, you know, the clubhouse where the players are, like the locker rooms, and Shepard Jones is standing there.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And I was like, hey, bro. And his response was, yeah.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I was like, hey, man, I don't want to fight you. You're 12 times the size of me. Now Chipper owns a bar.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Hope you're enjoying your day, watching lots of football. That's a great thing to do.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And I think he's been married for a while. I think he's been happily married for a while. I think he's been through a couple divorces. But, you know, I, you know, anyway, whatever. Here I am spilling the tea on Chipper Jones 20 years later. It's not it's not chicken. It's not Brianna chicken fry, but it's some kind of drama. OK, there you go. You got the Chipper Jones story out of me.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
OK, let's take a let's take a break, please. Get me out of this story. I probably just caused a legal divorce. Yeah, there's legal action happening. All right. We'll be back.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Drinking mimosas, having a brunch, ringing in the New Year with friends, family, or yourself, which is what I did a lot of years in a row. Now that I think about it, it's kind of sad. I wish I had joined Chrissy. A widespread panic. I like coconuts. You can't break them open and they smell like ladies lying in the sun. All right. So lots of football on today. Lots of stuff to be discussed.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Hey, your immune system's going to thank you, and now you can get up to 45% off when you use the code TCB. That's 45% off when you use that code TCB on Groons Vitamins, and thank you to Groons for being a sponsor of The Commercial Break.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
a day and a half uh yeah chipper was married three times he was married once from 92 to 99 i won't mention their names because maybe they don't want the attention but maybe they don't want people to know that they were cheated on uh and then his uh the wife that he would have been married to when i was around was uh from 2000 to 2012 so that didn't last very much longer after i left and then he's been happily married since 2015 and he's got a number of children here and there and everywhere
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
here and there and everywhere and that's the story yeah that's the story man i i just i forgot totally forgot about that period of my life until you you you told me that was a summer i'm here yeah and that was a summer that was easy to forget yes because there is so much drinking going on so much drinking going on i mean those were the good old days Yes. So let me tell you a story about that.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
We're here at the commercial break. We're going to take it easy on you. We're here in our pajamas just like you are. And we're going to enjoy a nice episode.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I'll piggy front off this and I'll tell you this story, you know, to get to get you in the New Year mood. Yeah, that was a good bad old days. That's right. Like we look back upon it fondly. But some of those days when we were in it didn't feel so great. Right. A lot of people getting laid off that the economy was terrible.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
We're so glad we didn't lay it off. And then three months later, we're like, shit, we should have gotten laid off. We should have taken that package. Okay. So... I don't know if you remember this, but we used to go to this bar. I mean, I know you remember this part. Central City Tavern. It was across the street from my house.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Every fucking day we went to this place. And it didn't matter if we had gone somewhere else, we would end the night at Central City Tavern. Or we'd begin the night at Central City Tavern.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
The very first place we ever went out to drink. Next to the Mexican place. Yes, next to the Mexican place. And then they moved across the street from where I lived in this like shopping mall.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It was serendipitous. You could walk there. Yeah, you could walk there. And I did a lot. Or you could drive there relatively safely because it was only a tenth of a mile, right? It was a tenth of a mile and the Atlanta PD had much more bigger fish to fry than Brian.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Well, we usually do do every episode in our pajamas until we got the fucking cameras in here. Now I got to wear a shirt every day. I got to wear...
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Where I would go have margaritas and then go to Central. And then go over to the other place. It was my favorite 1-2 combo. Start off at the Mexican, we'd serve her some cheese dip and a couple tortillas and then walk over and get loaded at Central City Tavern. Then go wherever it was for the night that we were going to go. Then come back to Central City Tavern. That's right.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
So there was a girl that was working. That was lunch. I know. It was so crazy. Those years were so crazy. So crazy. Oh, man. I'd be a millionaire if I didn't drink so much. So, and we knew all the bartenders over there and everyone was friendly. And it was just like, it was like cheers for us, right? It was that kind of place. And this place was enormous, the Central City Tavern.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And they had a bar area. And the only place that ever had people was the bar area. The restaurant, it was just completely empty. That's true. All the time. Sometimes they'd have a band in the corner and no one was listening to it. Just loud and obnoxious. So there was a girl who waited tables on that side, like on the restaurant side, restaurant at Central City Tavern, but the restaurant side.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
clothes according to Astrid half the time I was like a newscaster with like pajama bottoms on and a shirt I know now we have to wear actual clothing to the show it kind of kind of sucks but anyway it's a small price to pay to have every episode moving forward on youtube.com slash the commercial break available right now this episode you can watch us in our pajamas all right so listen
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And to me, and I think to a lot of other people, she looked like Elsie from, do you remember that? So I called her Elsie. I would call her Elsie. Well, she had a kid and over months I wore her down and I finally got her phone number over months of tipping and hanging out. And, you know, I just, I always,
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
thought she was cute but then one day you know we just got talking and then we we exchanged numbers and i said let me take you to it she's she was a braves fan she hadn't been to many games and i said let me take you to a braves game i got that pass i can get you in and you know we could have really good seats i got that good good yes and so i got that good good i got those third row seats where you get wet just sitting there staring at as chipper jones flirts with you from the third baseline you know what i'm saying
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I've shared a Volvo with that guy. How does that make you feel? Are you quivering in desire yet? How do those seats feel now?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
You want some cotton candy? I think I could scrounge one up for you.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. We sit in the seats where they don't yell at you about stuff. They bring it to you. They wait tables here. So I say, let me take you to a game. And she calls me that morning. It's a Saturday afternoon game. And she calls me that morning and she says, I'd like to bring my son. And I'm like, oh, I am in way over my fucking head now. But okay, bring your son.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah. You weren't there. I remember this. Or if you were there, you were somewhere else.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
But we go this Saturday afternoon. I get there early, as I always did. Yeah, it was a Saturday afternoon.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I had managed to pick myself up and get to there. So I got there early and started drinking, as one does when they're on a first date with somebody. And by the time she got there with her kid, I was well in the bologna sandwich. You know what I'm saying? And the Braves cheerleader was like, we had not been together for a minute, but this whole incident with Chipper Jones had already happened.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
But the Braves cheerleader was there and she was on me. She was like on me like glue.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
She felt it. That's right. Exactly. So when the LC got to the stadium with her son, I tried to dedicate some time to LC and her son. But the Braves cheerleader would not leave us alone. She came up. I remember we were sitting at this table, like in one of those park bench tables, like having a hot dog or something.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Me, drunk, you know, Elsie with her kid trying to go, oh, first guy I introduce after daddy's gone is a fucking lush.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
He's a 33-year-old divorce radio sales guy. He's got that pass. And hey, the cheerleaders like him. The other drunk cheerleaders. The other drunks like him. He must be a good guy. Now I'm thinking about this, wondering how I ever managed to get laid with anybody. And how I probably will never get laid again. After I tell this story, Astrid's going to go, oh, it's worse than I thought.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, I know she knows. Yeah, all these stories are not new to her. These are all the stories I tell to woo a woman. Let me tell you about this funny time I went to the Braves game. Knocked dicks with Chipper Jones.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Let me give you the lowdown. Drama drop on Brianna and Grace. Brianna Chicken Fry had that big fallout with Zach Bryan. She accused him of controlling behavior, breaking up with her online, generally being verbally abusive, and then he pulled some real douchebag moves.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah. Hey. Yeah. Cool. So here I am. We're at this table and we're sitting there and over comes a brave cheerleader. And she sits down right next to this girl, Elsie. And she starts talking to her.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, Oh, we love Brian here. Brian, Brian, Brian. He said he's always here. He's always drinking. He's always got a bunch of friends. It's so good. You know what? I've got some extra seats available. A little close. Let's get that little guy up there close. Chipper Jones seats. Let's get Chipper Jones seats.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And she did cock block me. Because when we got down to those seats... Guess who magically didn't need to work until the seventh inning? The Braves cheerleader. And she sat right there. Right there. Next to Elsie. Right there. Unbelievable. Playing with the kid. Talking to Elsie the entire time. By the end of the afternoon, Elsie was like... They were best friends. They were best friends.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I was out. And Elsie was like, this has been a lot of fun.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. Those two are in. I'm out. It's me and the kid holding our baseball bats in our hands. Well, no tiki, no taki today, kid. Didn't get a foul ball, and I'm not going to get any balls. But, hey, at least I shared a vulva with Chipper Jones. You'll always have that.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I'll always have that. I'm telling you what, man, it was very interesting. And, you know, hey, listen, it was many, many years ago, and I've sobered up since then, and I'm still a jerk, but I'm not drunk, so one could be forgiven for all that jazz. All right, well, listen, I hope all the college football goes well. Happy New Year. Let's get the fuck out of here and take a vacation. God bless you.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Let's get these girls home before they kill somebody. Driving is going to be a bitch, girls, so don't hate me. But you get many, many days off. So there you go. Well, you get many, many days off. You get a few days off. I'll take a few days off. We'll figure it out.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah, can you edit episodes 665 through 672? Oh, Chrissy. The MC promises. I love a Mac.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
But in this big argument that they had, Brianna Chicken Fry is a content creator and podcaster that works for Barstool Sports, owned by Dave Portnoy. Dave Portnoy supported Brianna during this whole thing, said that Zach was an asshole, had her come on his podcast and talk all about it. And it really was some weird behavior on behalf of Zach. He's kind of a douche in it.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
That's the house. Life is a highway. I want to ride you all night long. You're going my way.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I just remembered that song playing at the honky tonk.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It was in Cars, the movie or something. I don't know. Am I right about that? Yeah, I'm right about that.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I was a big fan. Listen, how can you not like a little Rascal Flatts?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
No, that's not. No, that's not who sings that song originally. Oh, I didn't know that. And both versions are good, by the way. It's like some one-off 80s singer. He sang the song, and it went crazy. It did. It was everywhere. Back in, like, 88 to 90, you couldn't throw... You couldn't turn on a radio station without hearing that song. The original version. Rascal Flatts redid it in 2000.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah, that's true. Hey, kid, come on. Let's get a baseball bat. While the brave cheerleader cock blocks me on your mom.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
What's your name again? I can't believe I'm a dad now. That's hard to believe. Yeah, that was the other thing. After that day, I was like, not ready to be a dad. I'm way too irresponsible for all that. I don't even have a car with a headlight. How am I going to take care of the kid?
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
tcbpodcast.com that's where you go you find out more information about the show all the audio all the video right there from one location plus your free tcb sticker go to the contact us button drop down menu i want my free sticker give us your address and we'll send you one at the commercial break on instagram tcb podcast on tiktok and 212-433-3822 questions comments concerns content ideas youtube.com slash the commercial break all the episodes the day that they air on spotify a
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
All right, Chrissy, Happy New Year. That's all I can do. Happy New Year to you. Best to you.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, Goodbye!
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
He's kind of a douche news on why anybody wants. Now he's in concerts and people are throwing stuff at him on stage, which I think is great. Cans, bottles, beers, tomatoes, phones. This is a new thing people are doing, throwing their phones on stage, hoping that the artist will take a photograph.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes, because and I think this all started, if I'm being honest, with Chris Martin from fucking Coldplay. It's goddamn Coldplay's fault. Everything's Coldplay's fault. Listen, the whole world is all seven degrees of Coldplay. Chris Martin one time. I think this was Chris Martin. He took somebody's phone that they had thrown on stage recording.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
They were like making a video and he went around the stage and did this whole number with the phone and then gave it back to somebody. So now people are literally throwing their phones at artists to try and get them to take a selfie. You are willing to lose your $1,000 iPhone to get Billie Eilish to take a photograph? That's ridiculous. You're right there. Take a photograph yourself. That's true.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I could not be more thrilled that one of my favorite brands has joined the commercial break as a sponsor Dollar Shave Club. Been a customer for a very long time. One very happy customer indeed. It's no surprise that facial hair is personal. It grows on our face. We all grow it, we all shave it, and all of us style it differently.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Insurance. Yeah, Apple does make it pretty easy. Apple does make it pretty easy to get that phone back. And now everything's in the iCloud.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. So if she takes the phone and decides to put it in her pocket and not give it back to you, now you can track her to which hotel she goes to. It's all a big ploy. But the behavior at these concerts is out fucking outrageous. Go see your favorite artist. Shut up. Sit down. Here's an idea. Put your fucking phone away. Enjoy the moment. I like that.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
That's when Chris Rock, when I went to go see Chris Rock, he made us all put our phone back. Jack White's the same way. Yeah, Jack White's the same way. And that is the right thing to do. And I've recently seen that comedians are walking off stage when people start recording their sets on video. And...
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes, I saw a video of someone walking off stage because they were being videoed. But the video was coming from the club. Yes, and the actual artist put it up there. And it was someone we had on the show. I don't want to misspeak. So I want to say it was Gianmarco, but I'm not 100% sure. Okay, so Brianna, drama with Zach Bryan, big deal. She has a podcast with her friend Chrissy. You look so drunk.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
You are doing the perfect impression of Chrissy drunk.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Someone get her a bag of bread. Where's the bag of bread? That's all we need. I do need some bread to soak up this alcohol. You can go in my refrigerator and get it later. All right. Brianna, Grace, have a podcast together. Best friends. They're BFFs. They love each other. The podcast does pretty good. It's on the Barstool Network.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
All of a sudden, Grace O'Malley, who's become very popular on the internet, decides to walk off the Chicken Fry and Grace O'Malley show. She just leaves. No explanation. She's just not there one day. Okay, so everyone's trying to get to the bottom of it. Grace O'Malley goes through a few stand-up routines and she drops some hints as to why she has left.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And Brianna Chicken Fry comes out and says, she was not supportive of me during this whole Zach Bryan thing, so it's best that we just part ways. Dave Portnoy then gets involved because he can't keep his mouth shut because that's how he makes his money. He just talks about drama all day. Right. So back right before Christmas, Grace O'Malley leaves Barstool Sports. She quits or she leaves.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And everyone says Dave Portnoy must have fired her because of the drama between her and Chicken Fry. But no, she says, no, he did not fire me. I quit. And Dave Portnoy says, Grace O'Malley is great with me. I didn't fire her. She chose to go a different direction. I wish her nothing but the best. Then.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Call Her Daddy announces, the lady who does Call Her Daddy announces, I am bringing Grace O'Malley onto my network to do her own podcast. So now Grace O'Malley has gone from second fiddle to chicken fry during this whole Zach Bryan drama, you know, kind of playing the back, you know, the passenger. Here's what I want to say, Chrissy. Don't go to Call Her Daddy. That's all I got to say.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
That's what makes us all unique and interesting, and honestly, I think that's pretty fucking great. Dollar Shave Club is for everybody and every budget. Whether you like to go smooth like a baby's bottom or you're maintaining a fantastic manscaped beard like I do, Dollar Shave Club offers grooming products that are always high quality and always the right price.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
The passenger in this shit show called Burana Chicken Fry all of a sudden is the hottest commodity in podcasting and Call Her Daddy has picked her up and now she's got her own show. I think it's going to be called Unwell. I'm rooting for her. I'm rooting for Grace O'Malley on this one.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Oh, Unwell's The Network? What's the name of the podcast? I thought it was the name of the podcast.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Okay, I'm sorry. I misspoke. Unwell is The Network. She's going to have a new podcast on The Network. That's right. You know, just even just six months ago, that would have gone unnoticed by anyone.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yes. Yes, Brad Williams' penis is 10 inches long. Six months before he did die. Yeah. You think I have time to keep up with everybody else's podcast network? I can't even keep up with my own. I mean, for God's sakes. When you're in here 17 days a week, you don't have time to talk about Call Her Dad.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I know. Seriously. I should. I should. You should do that. Hey, listen. Alex Cooper, who's her name, who runs Call Her Dad. You want to have a conversation? Go through Odyssey. Because we really do like Odyssey. Yes, we do.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
But, I mean, if Alex Cooper called, I wouldn't hang up on her.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Well, we keep on saying it. So many people out there, and most of them are unwell. Yeah. So now, Brianna Chickenfry finds herself playing second fiddle to... Grace O'Malley. And I'm not not rooting for Brianna. She was an abusive relationship. That sucks. Zach Bryan is really the shithead in this whole situation. But I'm just so fascinated by all this little drama going on in the podcast network.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And now like Travis Kelsey's cousin is doing a podcast to that. I mean, for God's sakes, it's all getting out of control. Everyone has a podcast. Yes. I was talking to someone the other day, and they know we have a podcast and they've been listening to it. And they said, wow, everybody has a fucking podcast. And I go, everybody has a fucking podcast because there's zero barrier to entry. Right.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
You get a microphone, you press record, and then you publish it on all of these major players. And if you're lucky, someone will listen to it, right? If you're lucky, someone will listen to it. Or if you pay... Dr. Phil. Smart, listen, Dr. Phil, a lot of money to talk about you. Oh, Joe, good old Brianna and Chicken Fry, man. I mean, good old Brianna and Grace O'Malley.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
She didn't, according to Brianna, here's, if I'm going to take a guess, here's what it is.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Yeah. Brianna, Chicken Fry. I don't know how to say this without being a total jerk off. How do I say this? Brianna Chicken Fry, lovely lady, lovely young lady, right? And she gets a lot of attention for being a lovely young lady with Dave Portnoy and all this other stuff. And she seems like a very lovely person also as a human being.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Grace O'Malley's doing a podcast with her, and the two of them are supposed to be riding this rocket to success. And then Brianna gets all of this attention because of her interaction with Zach Bryan, but Grace is left by the side. So now you've got these two podcasters who really want to take on the world together, but Brianna starts to kind of, her star starts to rise a little bit in this world.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And maybe Grace wasn't so cool with all of the, you know, drama that was going on with the Zach Bryan thing. Maybe she thought that, you know, hey, while you're getting all this attention, maybe you should talk about our fucking podcast or bring that traffic to our podcast. Now, I don't know that. But sometimes there are this little interplay that goes on between people.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
And it's like it can really turn into just kind of a fuck you situation. They're best friends.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
That's why I like Chrissy. She has zero interest in being successful. I get to sit here and take all the flack, all the slack, and all the acclaim. Whatever that means. Whenever that comes. Whenever the acclaim comes, Chrissy's going to be fine with it. Whenever my Zach Bryan moment comes... I want to fuck Zach Bryan just so I can get some attention from Dave Portnoy also.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
When is that going to happen? I wish Grace O'Malley nothing but the best. This sounds great. I love it. She's got her own podcast. Great for Grace. Just another podcast to dilute our listenership. Just another podcast to steal more listeners from us. And since our audience is currently all female, I'm sure they're going to run right over there. That's an amazing turn of events, by the way.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
I think it is a quicker – I think people are realizing they can cut out the TV networks, Netflix, Amazon. They can cut all these people out. I just read an article about the Chicken Shack show, about how Chicken Shack – Chicken Shop Day.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Is that a new restaurant? Too many chickens we're talking about today. Oh, my God, Brian. Chicken Fried, Chicken Shack, Chicken Sheet.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
No, it's that date show. I know. Okay, I read an article about this. And the guy who was writing the article said, it's amazing. that she has usurped any television network, anything. Like, this might normally go on, like, you know, MTV or maybe even Netflix or whatever.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
She has usurped all of them, has started her own production company, and has a fabulously successful show and just as much reach, if not more, because she's doing it all on her own and she's got her own distribution through YouTube and all these other platforms, right? It happens. It does happen.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
So I think everyone who otherwise would go the normal Hollywood mainstream route... Mm-hmm. has figured out that you don't need Hollywood. Fuck Hollywood. You don't need the agents and the production, you know, the producers and the production assistants. You don't need all of that.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Well, Matt is a great agent, but he's not really like, he's not an agent. He's an agent, but he's not agent-y, you know? He's not like a slick, slimy kind of guy. He's a nice guy, and I like that about him. And he gets us good deals, and I like that about him, too. And he saved our asses a couple times, and I like that about him, too.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
But I think that all of these people who would normally kind of be funneled into this Hollywood mill.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
It's been shaken up. So now the first thing that you do is you go get a podcast so you can tell your side of the story, make people believe that you're interesting.
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You'll Always Have Chipper!
Tell people wrong facts. Listen, this is why podcasters should not be at the White House. That's my opinion! Exactly. Speaking of podcasts. It is really strange that the Hak Tua girl, ever since that Hak coin went in the shitter, the Hak Tua girl is nowhere to be found. She has not produced an episode of her fabulously popular podcast. She has not gone. She has not made any social media posts.
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Ask Chris Rock. Tell him to come on. We'll help him. We'll do an interview with him. If he needs a little love here in the States with some listeners, then just give him our email address. Oh, I will. I will. Absolutely. Or both of you can come. Oh, whatever. You guys will figure it out.
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Yes. Embarrassing me. Well, you put it out there. We got to listen to it, right?
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Do you think we're going to take an opportunity to listen to those silver-haired foxes on the RSS feed? Come on, man.
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We have to rein it in sometimes. Yeah, I love that. The biggest group of listeners, according to Spotify Analytics, is females, like 25 to 35, right? It's like 80% of our Spotify audience. And this is like a relatively new development. We were about 50-50 male-female, skewing a little bit older, like at 30 to 45.
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But then all of a sudden, over the last six months, we've turned into this younger female crowd. And every once in a while I have to remind myself.
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Yeah, at least the people on Spotify. I have to remind myself that, you know, Chrissy and I were just saying this, they're not going to remember what totally tubular means.
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Yeah. You face a lot of... I mean, Astrid's not... you know, Astrid doesn't have a million Instagram followers, my wife, but I see you present a lot of the same challenges that my relationship does because there's similar age gap between me and my wife.
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And so it's always like, it's fun to have conversations with my wife and I love talking to her, but sometimes it's nice also to talk to the 46 year old man who also went through some of the same things I went through. And then like, we connect on that. And that's hard. Like when I say some things to Astrid sometimes, she's like, what are you even, I wasn't even born.
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When you're from Venezuela. All right, let's get started. Let's not waste all the good talk here. Let's get started. Oh, I thought we started. No, no. Well, we can actually, you know what? All right, we're just going.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
All right. Des Bishop back here with us. Welcome back. Welcome back, Des. Thank you for coming on board. We really appreciate it. We all woke up last week, Thursday. I opened up the Hollywood Reporter, Huffington Post, Daily Beast. I saw the big news that Des is starting his fifth podcast. Yes. It was front page. Flash all over the front page.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Des is starting his fifth podcast, The Bishop Exchange, with not his brother, John Bishop. But I swear, when you made this announcement, I ran to Astrid and I go, hey, Astrid, did you know that Des has a new podcast with his brother? Because I could, you guys, not only do you, obviously you're from across the pond.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
You have the same last name, but you kind of share a little bit of a resemblance, you and John Bishop. A little bit, I think.
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over our name and you know we're like we're like like-minded guys yeah you're like-minded you're of the similar age and you're running around the similar you're playing in the same playground essentially so tell us a little bit about your boyfriend john because maybe uh maybe the people over on this side of the pond don't know as much about john as you do
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And remember, whatever you shave, welcome to the club. Thanks to Dollar Shave Club for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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Yeah. Do you find this is pretty common? Like, we were talking to Russell Howard a couple of weeks ago.
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So, you know, Russell, we were talking to him. Two things I found was interesting. One is that Russell is such a sensation over in the UK. But he also, I think, you know, he's got some following here, too, in the US. So when I was doing my homework about Russell, I found a website. The second interesting thing, not only is he trying to make that kind of plant his flag over here.
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Second interesting thing about Russell is that the UK is. Government. The United Kingdom government has a website tracking the popularity of comics coming from the UK.
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Well, so there's a website tracking the popularity of comics over there in the UK. And I found this to be so extremely interesting because some of the people that were high on this list of comics, you know, I don't know how it gets voted. I'm sure it's just people voting online. It's like third... third call actors from Benny dorm, the show Benny dorm were like higher than Russell Howard.
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And I was busting his balls. I'm like, yeah, but are you, are you more popular than the show Benny dorm? And he was like, Oh my God, I can't believe this. There's a website out there. So now I'm going to do my research on John on that same website. And I'm going to see just.
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popularity of anybody that was... I guess the criteria for this particular website was British-born comics doing the circuit around the UK. So it's really just about British comics. And it was just such a funny website. And then they had all this information as to who they were popular with. Female, male, what age group they were popular with. It was a really interesting website.
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And at the time, because it says UK Gov, I thought it was an actual... Like, you can't.
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It's just a polling thing. So where do you and John record the podcast?
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Okay, so the Bishop Exchange is the name of the podcast. Go check it out. We've listened to the first couple of episodes.
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That's one of the challenges. Well, I have noticed as a guy who follows your Instagram, I have noticed that you've been conspicuously absent from the United States for the last couple of months. Have you purposefully fled over there back to Ireland? Yeah.
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Des' next-door neighbor is not Howard Stern. We're just making that clear right now. Howard is not on that side of the island.
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It is a job in and of itself. Do you handle your own Instagram? I do. You need a person.
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I'm fascinated to know this. How do you handle the holidays?
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Yeah, she's Italian. She knows. So seven different fishes on Christmas Eve, you just like go and you have... It's cooked different ways. How do you even find seven different types of fish? Well, you got calamari. Come on, there's loads of fish. Oh, okay. If we're adding in squid, then okay.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
My dad made this all the time when we were kids. He made corned beef and cabbage of Irish descent. Yes. Of Irish descent, living in Chicago. That was a thing. Corned beef and cabbage everywhere. I fucking hated that dish. It was disgusting to me. But as an adult, I have had other people's corned beef and cabbage. It's not bad. Sorry, Dad. You made it like shit. Yeah. Well, yeah.
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So is it fucking cold over there? I was thinking about this this morning when I realized you were over in- In Ireland? Yeah.
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E-O-W-A-N, Eowyn. So when you have this storm, did it snow in Dublin? No.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yappa, yappa, yappa, yappa. Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the Hurts to My, My Homes. Chris and Joy of Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Wow, I'm going to get this right one of these days. Her name is Hoadley, not Fodley, in case anybody was wondering.
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Yes. Everybody's got that friend who freaks out about the weather, right? Chrissy's my friend who does that. I'm Astrid's friend who does that. The only time that I've been to Dublin, which is just a beautiful city, the only time that I have been to Dublin was the worst snowstorm they had experienced in decades. Oh, that's right. And the entire city shut down. It was like a foot of snow.
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We got the last plane. We were the last plane to land at the airport before the airport got shut down.
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Three days, and we took taxis. We were all standing waiting for these brave taxi drivers who were going to drive us into the city and get us to the hotel. That car was moving from lane to lane without any effort whatsoever. It was just sliding all over the place. The poor driver had no idea how to drive in the snow.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Astrid and I were shitting ourselves in the back of this taxi cab ride, and we ended up getting stuck at a hotel. Everybody. People were sleeping on the floor. They were trying to feed them and give them water. This went on for like, I don't know, four days we were stuck in this hotel.
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As a dumb American, I just made the assumption when we were flying in and I was seeing all these alerts, I just made the assumption, oh, they know what to do with snow.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
yeah shut it down and the only thing that was open were the bars and so that's what we did we walked to the it's kind of fun though and it's kind of fun and it's kind of pretty you know it's a pretty city in the snow and you know yeah so let me so i uh on your instagram you're going a little viral right now because you have a hot take uh not to say a hot take it's just a take on uh mr musk's
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wave to the crowd at the inauguration. Give me your, like, just a little dissertation on how you feel about Elon Musk in general.
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Here on a TCB infomercial Tuesday with our second second Des Bishop coming in to join us.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
You know, last time Des came in, he said, hey, call me anytime. I'd be happy to come back on the show anytime you guys want me to. And, you know, as I always thought about it, but then I'm like, he really didn't mean that. Yeah, he really didn't mean that. My negative Nancy brain always goes to. He's just being nice.
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Part of me wonders, and I agree with you on this. I don't think he's a, you know, I don't think he's a Nazi, right? I don't think that's like, I don't believe that about Elon. I believe that he is trying to be the most retweeted guy that particular day on his own platform. And he's trying to say to other, you know, the other side of the aisle, fuck you. We can do what we want. We're back in power.
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You know, take that. Essentially. And then I can just kind of excuse making it away. But what concerns me about Elon in general is that he seems to be losing his mind a little bit. He's tweeting hundreds of times per day.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yeah. He's at the inauguration. Clearly, he's done something. Ketamine X. I'm not sure what it is. His eyes are rolling in the back of his head. He's swirling around. So I think this guy is just kind of deep in his own mind. like his own bubble, and there's nothing to pop it. And now he has come into power with this movement that has no intention of checking him whatsoever.
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And so I worry that he gets more delusional and the people that follow him or encourage this type of rabble-rousing are then... Also, the people that are in power.
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So now we're all just kind of losing our minds collectively, and there's no way to decipher truth from fiction because everything is excuse make the way, and everything is just really, like you said, whataboutism defeats all common sense. And I am also kind of a centrist, and I think... I feel like this kind of behavior is super dangerous. And I don't know.
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I believe in his right to free speech and all that other shit. But I was saying on the show, we shouldn't be licking the balls of billionaires. We should be helping to keep them in check to make sure that they don't get out of control and wield some intense power over our government. The government is now for sale out in the fucking ocean. And Elon is the one that's buying it.
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He's just being polite because a lot of people have said something very nice like that. Call me anytime. Happy to come back on the show. But I'm very nervous to ask them back on. But Des was – I was watching Des' Instagram. He announced that he's doing yet another podcast. I don't know how many podcasts that guy has.
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And it drives me up a wall that everyone out there on his own platform is just excuse making this kind of behavior. And, you know, almost like God worshiping him. He's really seemed to have lost it down a ketamine hole or something.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
But he's doing another podcast called The Bishop Exchange with another comedian from the UK called –
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That's right. Vulnerable people become the enemy of populism, right? That has always been the case throughout time. That's how you gather power. That's how you roll in. That's how you get the snowball rolling. And it's clear that's what's happening. So while I support anybody's right to vote for anybody, including Trump, while I may not like him personally, I support your right to vote for him.
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I absolutely do. I get concerned when the entire movement is based on demonizing groups of people. And on the other side also, by the way, it happens on the other side also. And I just think that it's like an unhealthy, dangerous place to be. And Elon seems to be the guy with the biggest microphone.
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Not related, even though they look very much alike and they don't talk alike. John has a much thicker accent. But anyway, the Bishop Exchange now available on any podcast app. Wherever you get your podcasts. It's really funny. So I told Des, I said, hey, Des, here's a reason to come in. I felt like it was a good reason to throw some bait out there and see if he really meant what he said.
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the left like it's insane a lot of people are trying to do this tucker carlson and a lot of people are bringing on apologists and saying that you know it's listen it's it's such a complicated mess and and um and i agree with your your point of view i think elon is trolling and i think shane is right if if it's an if if you're not in fact saluting the nazis then do us all a favor and just say i'm sorry just say i'm sorry that's all
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How hard is that? High as shit on ketamine and ayahuasca. And I didn't know what I was doing. That's that.
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Of course it is. And listen, we could go down the line. You know, this is not that we typically are not a political podcast, but we say things. I like to say things when I think it's just obviously makes sense pragmatically that you need to check the far, the extremes on both sides of the aisle. And you need to come out and say, like, Trump, I'm with you. I wish he would just...
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Check them like just check them because but he knows that they vote. And that's the thing is that he is looking to consolidate any vote that he can get anywhere. I said this when Trump was running. Trump will say anything to anybody any day or time left or right.
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liberal or conservative if he thinks that's going to get him a vote in the moment because memories are short and people forget and they're willing to overlook as long as he's talking to you for that moment. And that's the truth. Listen, a lot of politicians have done that throughout time, but what I think makes this different is that there are a bunch of people around Trump who are
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They're leaning into his worst urges and that allows him to lean into his worst urges. And now we're kind of in this shit show. And it does look a little fascist to me for for sure. Now, like we're laying people off because they're black. I mean, like, you know, we have to call in if somebody we think it was a DEI hire. Did you hear that one? It's like it's just it's fucking.
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insane to me what's going on. We can debate the policies about DEI or equal opportunity or all that. We can debate that all day long. But that debate should happen in the halls of Congress or in our city halls or in our own workplaces. There shouldn't be forced Like, fascism, essentially.
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And he responded right away. He's like, I'd love to. So he's in Ireland. He'll join us here in a few minutes. But the big news today, well, a news item today is that the Eagles and the Chiefs will meet themselves in the 355th Super Bowl game. And the Eagles celebrating in Philadelphia, the only way Philadelphia fans know how, by shooting off guns and running into each other with cars.
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Like, you have to call your brother or sister out if you think that they've, you know, been promoted because of some policy so that we can fire them.
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Yes, they are. I've got to look that one up. Yeah, this is insane. So, okay. So, let's move away from politics just for a second because I could go on all day long and I don't want to lean into my worst impulses. So... So let me ask you this. Last time we saw you, you were, if I'm not mistaken, you were in the Hamptons? Yeah, West Hampton, yeah.
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And a renovation was going on in one of your apartments. Was it going on in your apartment downtown?
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We talked to Hannah and then you were like hiding in the Hamptons because you guys were doing a renovation or something. Is that right? That's probably some excuse we had for just being in the Hamptons.
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Oh, yeah, that's right. So here's my question. So do you have a place in Ireland also? Yeah, I still have the house that I've had since 2005.
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He has three houses across two continents and we have yet to be invited to either of them, especially not the West Hampton one, which here is... I know why he's not inviting us to the West Hampton. I wouldn't invite me to the West Hampton either. Yeah. I keep my shoes on. Do you enjoy the Hamptons? Do you enjoy the Hamptons? I mean, you've been there, obviously, since you were a child.
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Des' next-door neighbor is not Howard Stern. We're just making that clear right now. Howard is not on that side of the island.
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I mean, just insane. Those Eagles fans, those Philly fans, they are no joke. You know, when the Phillies play the Braves, It's always a ruckus time, right? Because the Philadelphia fans are fans like no other, and the Braves fans are fans like no other. And what I mean by like no other, we're like the people in L.A. We show up at the seventh inning, we leave at the eighth inning.
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That was the whole thing about Susan Lucci. She never won a Daytime Emmy for anything, did she?
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Great character. Yes. Yes. My stories. I got to watch my stories.
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We used to have this lady that worked at the radio station where we worked at. And there was a break room. The break room had a TV. And this is an older black woman. She was probably in her 70s. She was like in the accounting department and like clockwork.
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She would sit down at noon or 11 or whatever it was. And if you went up there into the break room, you would see her watching her stories. And she would say, don't turn my stories. I'm watching my stories. That was so cute. What do you watch when you're on the road?
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yeah which they've now changed don't don't no spoilers okay okay i won't say a word about the new season but i have to tell you this so we are on the odyssey network that's our podcast network so is the severance podcast which is really good the companion podcast so i got a chance to to do some reads and for the um for the severance podcast the the severance is such a good fucking show it's so well crafted it
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If you haven't started season two, there's only two episodes. You will not be disappointed. I am obsessed with this show. And I'm obsessed with all of the rumors and theories. Oh, there's a whole wiki.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
We show up right before the beer sales stop, and we leave right after they do. That's it. That's how long we stay at our Braves games. But those Phillies fans are getting rowdy. Rowdy.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
I just finished it this morning. I just finished the second episode this morning. I'm just in love with that show. The part that's a little bit disappointing to me is that, you know, Severance is getting a big marketing push right now.
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But because of kind of the like the disparate nature of cable and streaming and all this. I don't think severance has the kind of audience that say a breaking bad did or, you know, stuff like that. Yeah. So I, I re and I'm, I so encourage everybody to go watch severance. I had a friend who was like, Oh, watch severance. Well, I just didn't understand it.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
You know, in the second episode, how the heli is... helly is walking through the glass hallway yeah it is apps that shot visually amazing so visually stunning it's amazing i just absolutely loved it let me have you watched the show say nothing
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Some guy shot a gun in the air. I was just watching a video. He shot a gun in the air, and the girl was like, ow, you hurt that, you know, my ear. That's a gun. Don't shoot that in the air. And he goes, I don't give a fuck. The Phillies won, or the Eagles won. And I'm like, you don't give a fuck? Okay, all right. That's the way it is. So who are we going for? The Chiefs or the Eagles? The Chiefs?
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Here's my take. As someone who grew up at the end of The Troubles and as someone who my family watched a lot of the news about The Troubles, but I was not very educated.
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The Troubles is the Irish Protestant Catholic, the UK government against the separatists, the people who wanted independence, the nationalists. But in the north of Ireland. In the north of Ireland.
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So this is specifically, this show follows the history. of one woman who was a part of the IRA and she became a manager, an executive in the IRA. And then it becomes also like kind of an adjunct story is about a guy named Jerry Adams who claimed he was never in the IRA. but then became a politician in the government. And some people thought, well, he's just a member of the IRA.
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And he kept claiming, no, no, no, I'm not. But apparently, or according to this movie, it makes Jerry seem as if he was directing a lot of violence during these troubles. That he was a part of it, that he was directing it, that he had his hand in it. And then, we could take five hours to explain this, but let me explain one important part.
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in the troubles, there was something called the missing, which were people that went missing supposedly because they were Informers. Informers for the UK government against the IRA. They were in the IRA, but they were ratting out other IRA members. They went missing. And some people got caught up that may have been innocent, and they went missing.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So it makes it appear that Jerry Adams directed these people to be missing, quote unquote, right? But he has claimed all along that he had nothing to do with it, not directly. So did I get that right, kind of?
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I only know this because I watched a brief period of the Chiefs game a couple nights ago.
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I could not be more thrilled that one of my favorite brands has joined the commercial break as a sponsor Dollar Shave Club. Been a customer for a very long time. One very happy customer indeed. It's no surprise that facial hair is personal. It grows on our face. We all grow it, we all shave it, and all of us style it differently.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
It was? Yeah. Really? Uh-huh. Okay. All right. Listen, I have never been myself, so I don't want to talk shit about Buffalo. But I know it's up there, that it's cold.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
I thought it was some of the best television that I have watched in a long time. So well acted, beautifully scripted, terribly stressful to watch, but intense, dramatic, interesting. And as I don't, I mean, they make it pretty clear. This is a dramatization of things that really happened.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
that Jerry Adams has never admitted being in the IRA they say that clear but that kind of that's a little bit of a scapegoat and I understand what you're saying that kind of gives them some creative liberties but it also puts in the mind of the watcher that Jerry Adams is guilty as shit right and so yeah but I mean Jerry Adams is guilty as shit in the sense that like we all like this is the problem because the series makes it the series kind of like slowly goes into this like unsolved mystery type series right yes but like
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Like, we know. But I agree with you. Like, the peace process is hard, and so at some point you have to put a pin in it and say, okay, we're going to do our best to move forward. It's the same thing that happens in any war, in any, you know, conflict. It's at some point...
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
in conflicts in your relationship with your wife or your husband, at some point you have to say, okay, we did each other dirty on this one. We said some shitty things to each other. Let's kiss and make up. And can you give me a handjob? You know, I mean, listen, that's the way that it all works.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yes, very close to the falls. Did you go to the falls?
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yeah? You think you can make it over in a... Barrel?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yeah. So you got to be careful. Yeah. Yeah, it just takes a spark, right? It takes one spark. The snowball gets rolling downhill and that can come from... People need to be careful with their words and certainly with their actions, especially when they have a platform. And I think this conversation has... You know what surprised me?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
This conversation has been a lot more interesting than I anticipated.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yeah, that Dolores Price, those three episodes were highly intense. It's her and her sister. They go to jail and they go on a hunger strike for their civil rights. And it is some of those scenes are some of the most intense watching. But the overall, the show, I think is well-deserved.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
The kudos that they're getting is well-deserved for the acting and for the story making and for the cinematography. It's just really well done.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
There was a guy like three years ago went over in the barrel and didn't make it.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Des and the Bishop Exchange is now available anywhere that you find your... Join the congregation. It's available anywhere you find your podcasts. Des is currently on tour over there across the pond, but I assume you're making your way back to the States for another round.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Des, if you come to Atlanta, we will help you sell those tickets.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Oh, that would be awesome. That would be better. So there's a new club here called the Helium Comedy Club.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
That's a chain. Yeah. Oh, it's a chain? But they're good. Yeah, and so they've got some good names in north of the city. There's some good names that have been playing up there. So check it out. You book the show. We'll help you sell the tickets.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Right. They don't allow it. Right. The guy just went. He just did it. Yeah, but he didn't make it. He didn't make it. So there you go. But the Chiefs won.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
And you're also welcome to come back here. I hope sooner rather than later. Dez is our second second. By the way, you're only the second guest we have asked to come on twice. Really? Yes, true. Reggie Watts and you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Reggie Watts, yeah. Dude, he's my favorite. I don't think a lot of people understand the genius of Reggie Watts. We do. He is genius. Last time he came on, the second time he came on, he's like, he had a new girlfriend.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So we ended up spending about 48 minutes of the hour we were on talking about love and to hear Reggie Watts talk about love while he is in love was one of the most fascinating conversations we've had in a very long time. He is a genius.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Des Bishop, Reggie Watson, the commercial break, all on one.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Well, now my wheels are turning right now. My wheels are turning. I'm going to email you because I've got an idea, an event that we have coming up, and I've got an idea.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Maybe Reggie, Des, and us can be in the studio at the same time. So I'm going to email you. Thanks for coming on. Desbishop.com, I think it is. .net. I lost .com.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Oh, fuck. Add Desbishop on Instagram. Motherfucker. Who's sitting on your URL? I don't even know. How much do they want? I can't even get to that part.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
It was a good game. That's what I was watching at the very end of it. So now I know from one of the announcers that if the Chiefs win this Super Bowl, they will be the only three-time champs, three-peat champs of the Super Bowl ever. Listen, that Patrick Mahomes, he's really good at what he does. He's really good at what he does. He's got swagger, but there's a reason for it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So annoying. All right. Maybe I'll help you find that out. We'll railroad this guy. They're called... Yeah, where they just buy up stuff just to have it. Yeah, they just buy up stuff just to have it. Okay. Desbishop.net. He's on tour across the pond. He'll be on tour back here in America. Please check out the Bishop Exchange burner phone, of course. It's very popular with the kids I hear.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
And tell Hannah we said hello. Des, we love you. We'll see you very shortly. Yeah.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
All in one place, all on your own terms. As a lifelong, sometimes successful entrepreneur, Squarespace has grown with me. Using Squarespace, I've been able to launch multiple websites and even build a business around launching Squarespace websites because they make it easy, it looks super professional, and it gives you all of the tools that you need to be successful online.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Let me give you a couple examples of those tools. One of our favorites is the new Design Intelligence from Squarespace. Combining two decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology, you can unlock your creative potential. This helps you personalize a website unique to your needs. What about creators like me who want to sell content?
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. Courses, blogs, videos, podcasts, and membership. That reoccurring revenue everybody is looking for so your clients can get access to your content for one-time fees or subscriptions. and then you're definitely going to need a way to take the payments.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments and not get lost in a sea of coding. The onboarding is fast and simple. You can get started in just a few clicks, and pretty soon you'll be receiving payments. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash commercial.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
and you'll save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com slash commercial, and you'll get 10% off that first purchase of a website or a domain. And thanks to Squarespace for being a continuing sponsor of our small business and the commercial break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
And so is that... girl that sits up in the stand. What's her name?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Oh, Des Bishop. What more is there to say, Chrissy? What more is there to say? We talked about American politics. We talked about Irish politics. We talked about Irish politics and then American politics. It was a whole day. Severance. We talked about severance. That's one thing we did talk about. And the non-existent renovation that Hannah told us was going on in her apartment. There you go.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So is that girl. I didn't see one Taylor Swift sighting, though. But I was kind of watching the game with my head turned.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Now we know. You've been outed, Hannah. You've been outed.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
We meant to get our story straight before I came on, but I didn't talk to her. No. That's got to be interesting. Hannah is very successful at what she does. As a matter of fact, I think she just sold out three nights at Radio City Music Hall with Giggly Squad, her runaway podcast hit. And Dez is famous in his own right and much more famous over across the pond.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Then they separate for long periods of time. He's over there for seven weeks. That's a long time to be without your wife. That's a long time to be without your wife.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Look at you! Does Jeff like the professional football?
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
part of me thinks that might work just fine I'd love to separate from my family for seven weeks just the children not the wife just the children actually I think I'd I think I'd miss them terribly you absolutely yeah I go out you know I go out of town to a conference or whatever for a day or two and all of a sudden I'm missing my kids it's fun that's fun it's funny in that way about children and family members is that you think you need a break from them and then you get a break from them and you really don't want the break from them yeah you're instantaneously missing them
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So anyway, Des, lovely human being, desbishop.net. That's where you can get tickets and information about his tour. Also check out the Bishop Exchange with John Bishop and Des Bishop. It's a good podcast. We've listened to the first couple of episodes. They're just getting started.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
One of the things that they do do is you can actually call in live on their show, and they will take your questions right there. More information about that on his social medias. So thanks, Des, for coming in today. We certainly appreciate it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yes. And I believe we'll see Des for a third time. Maybe.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
He told us he would, but we'll see. We'll see how it goes. After we just talked American politics for an hour.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
I agree. A hundred percent. Listen. Everybody's got a point of view. It's okay to share that point of view every once in a while. I know that the commercial break is often a break from all of the regular bullshit, but sometimes the bullshit percolates and you just want to hear what somebody else has to say. That's it. That's all we're doing here. Just facilitating a conversation.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Yeah, look at us. Look at us. We're the new Rogan. Oh, no. No. No, sure. That won't be happening. All right, densebishop.net, you know what to do. Also, we'd love it if you would check out our website. We have a .com, tcbpodcast.com. That's where you go to find out more information about the show, all the audio, all the video, right there from one location.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So if you're a URL kind of person, feel free to dial us up. You can also get your free TCB swag.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
On the AOL. There's a song that my son has been listening to, and in this song, it's got the noises of dial-up. Oh, wow. It's like a sound effect. And he goes, Dad, that's what phones used to sound like, right? And I go, that's how you used to connect to the Internet. And he said, with that noise? And I go, well, that's the noise it would make. He was very confused about everything.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
I said, that's the noise of computers talking to each other. And he was like, like Siri? Okay, I'll just put it down. Forget it. Never mind. You'll learn when you're old. You'll hear it in the history books.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
All right. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok. And now every single episode of the commercial break is available on video, usually the same day that it airs at youtube.com slash the commercial break. So please go. Follow us. Subscribe. Like on your favorite videos. You know what to do. 212-433-3822. That's 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
We take them all. Voicemail or text message. We'll get back to you. Join the conversation. Share if you care. All right, Chrissy. I guess that's all I can do for now.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
When you do fantasy football, please explain to me exactly how it works.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
I could not tell you one sentence about fantasy football. Not one. I would go to conferences. I would speak in front of people. Really? I would market the company. And you had no idea how it worked? Had no clue. Had never played fantasy sports in my life. Didn't start when I worked there. Never did it afterwards. And I was the vice president of marketing for the fantasy football company.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Well, you see how well the fantasy football company did. Currently employed by that fantasy football company. We marketed it right into the ground. When you hire the guy. So the guy comes to me and he says, hey, listen, I'm starting this company. I know a couple of tech geeks and they've built this platform and it's really great. And, you know, it's all the rage and fantasy football.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
It's going to change the world of fantasy football. And I was like, great. And he's like, so I want you to be the marketing guy. I want you to head the marketing department. It's a startup company. They just gotten funded. And I said, that's great, but I got to tell you one thing. I don't know the first thing about fantasy football, never played it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
And he's like, I don't think that really matters. I think you could probably market our company as well as anybody else out there. And I said, okay, well, if you're going to pay me, sure, why not? And I didn't even ever take the time to get educated about fantasy football. It was a short-lived job.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
That's what makes us all unique and interesting, and honestly, I think that's pretty fucking great. Dollar Shave Club is for everybody and every budget. Whether you like to go smooth like a baby's bottom or you're maintaining a fantastic manscaped beard like I do, Dollar Shave Club offers grooming products that are always high quality and always the right price.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Not because I was bad at my job, but because the guy who ran the company was bad at managing all that money that people gave him. Yeah, well, you know, it takes all kinds, Chrissy. It takes all kinds. Well, when you get into fantasy football, let me know. But we're not talking about football today. We're talking about Dez Bishop. His brand new podcast, The Bishop Exchange.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
He, of course, is on burner phone with his wife, Hannah. And you can catch him, if you're over on the other side of the pond, on tour currently. In Ireland. Yep, desbishop.net. You can check out those dates in the UK and in Ireland. And then he'll be back here stateside in the spring. He is one of my favorite comics characters.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
He is genuinely a nice guy, and we are so pleased that he was not full of shit, and he, in fact, agreed to come back on a second time. So our good friend, and we call anybody who comes here twice a good friend, right? So, so far, we have two good friends, Reggie Watts and Des Bishop. Our good friend, Des Bishop, joins us through the magic of telepodcasting as soon as we get back from this break.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
What do you think, Chrissy? Let's do it. All right, we'll be back.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
This episode is sponsored in part by ShipStation. Well, if you've been listening to the commercial break over the holidays, then you know that Chrissy, Christina, and I have been hard at work knocking out 25 episodes in one single month. So we understand just how chaotic a business can be.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So when you're running an e-commerce business, you understand there's a special kind of chaos that goes on with fulfillment and shipping. But ShipStation is one service that you can count on to help you remain calm day to day We'll be right back. We'll be right back. stuck around with ShipStation. Now it's your turn. Calm the chaos of order fulfillment with the shipping software that delivers.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
So let me introduce you to some of their top sellers. I think they're going to make your grooming routine feel like a spa day. And anybody who listens to the commercial break knows how much I like a spa day. The Club Series 6 Blade Razor. This isn't just any razor. It's a mini vacation for your face. It's got six stainless steel blades and a vitamin E infused lubricant strip.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Switch to ShipStation today. Go to ShipStation.com and use the code commercial to sign up for your free trial. That's ShipStation.com code commercial. Thanks to ShipStation for being a sponsor of the commercial break. One of the best television shows of this decade is Severance on Apple TV. And I have been patiently waiting like everyone else for season two. Well, the wait is over.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Our cup fill is over because on January 17th, Severance season two will be released. This genre-defying television show will blow your mind. It's hard to describe even one minute of it in the short amount of time that I have. So I'll tell you this.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
If you're a fan of dark comedy, sci-fi, romance, drama, dramedy, well-acted, well-written television shows, and or having your mind blown, this is the television show for you, my friend. And now, The Severance Podcast with Adam Scott and Ben Stiller is available for...
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
free on the Odyssey app or wherever you listen to your podcasts, and they are re-watching with us season number one every weekday until season number two is released, where they will then re-watch season two with us.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
And they are going to give us an in-depth episode analysis with behind-the-scenes stories, fan questions, and guests from the show, like creator Dan Erickson, as well as John Trittoro and Britt Lauer. Plus, celebrity super fans like Jon Stewart, Kristen Bell, and Dax Shepard are going to stop by. This podcast is going to be another excuse to spend more time thinking about severance.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
If you're not watching this television show, run to Apple TV, watch season one, listen to the companion podcast, and then you too can have clammy hands waiting for season number two to release. It's available now, free on the Odyssey app, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. This episode is sponsored in part by Groons. All right, let's talk about a better way to take care of your health.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Are you juggling multiple supplements every day? With Groons Vitamins, you don't have to. It's not just a multivitamin, a greens gummy, or a prebiotic. It's all of those things and more at a fraction of the price. And here's the best part. It tastes amazing. And I really do love how easy it is to take Groons. nut-free, and even HSA-FSA eligible.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Groons is backed by over 35,000 research publications with ingredients that boost gut health, immunity, and even support thicker hair, glowing skin, and more. You wanted a supplement you could enjoy? This isn't a chore. It's something you look forward to. Do not wait for the flu to strike. Take control of your health today with Groons Vitamins.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
This razor delivers the closest, most comfortable shave. Honestly, I feel just a little too pampered after I use this. And the precision trimmer is perfect for getting those little detailed areas like right under the nose or around your jawline. Because when you're going to keep it high and tight... You need to get it precise. But don't take my word for it. Try it for yourself.
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TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Hey, your immune system's going to thank you, and now you can get up to 45% off when you use the code TCB. That's 45% off when you use that code TCB on Groons Vitamins, and thank you to Groons for being a sponsor of The Commercial Break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Welcome back. Well, you look good. Welcome back. Yes, thanks for coming back.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Des Bishop
Thanks for having me. Thanks. I've actually been wanting to reach out for a long time, but, you know, the holidays and all that other stuff. But every time I see a reel, I'm like, I should let Dez know he should come back on the show. And so when you got the new podcast announcement, it was a perfect time to say, let's do this.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Okay, so one of seven. So how did you grow up? Did you grow up Catholic, Christian? Catholic. Catholic.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Jeez, it's like a little Brady Bunch situation going on.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
second oldest second oldest of all seven of all seven wow it's got to be that's got to be in so i'm one of four uh my mom was one of eight good catholic you know upbringing my mom wanted more my dad i think understood that this is it this is the limit i don't have any i don't know how many more credit cards i can oh right yeah he's like the money isn't increasing yes because the people are that's right
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
That's right. And we're all going to Catholic school like little good Catholic children. We're all going to Catholic school. Did you go to Catholic school all your life?
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Well, yeah, because... So when I was... I lived in Chicago, born in Chicago, and I go to Catholic grade school there. And for those of you that aren't Catholic, you may not understand that the archdiocese, at least when I went to school, and I'm sure maybe Rory too, the archdiocese will...
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
fund they will fund some of your education if you are catholic and you attend one of their archdiocese churches right so like here in atlanta so when we were in chicago the education was mostly free i think they paid a couple hundred dollars a month for whatever and then the uniforms and then the and then the and then the but when we got here my dad was just like i just moved here i have a new job i don't know how long i'm gonna have the job i gotta i'm sorry guys you're gonna have to go yeah
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
sixth grade, you're going to have to do middle school, out of the frying pan, into the fire. The difference between the two educations was... And I went to one of the nicest suburban middle schools in the country, and I felt like I was getting eaten up by a big flower. I mean, like a big dragonfly.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
It was crazy how much different the attitudes, moods, and just having 700 children in your grade was, right? Right. So when I go, then we go back to Catholic school after sixth grade because my dad realized that we were. The black eye that I had for the entire year was probably not good for my confidence. And my dad found a way to get it done. And here's the point. We get to sixth grade.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We get to seventh grade in the private school back in Catholic school. And within three months, the teachers are like, we've actually got to hold them back a grade because I don't think they learned much in that sixth grade. There's a difference between the speed at which they educate you when there's 15 kids in the class versus 500.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And so you hit high honor roll in the public school?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah, it's like a continuation of the Catholic guilt. And I mean, we know this uniquely as Catholics going to Catholic school, but you are not applying yourself. You are not focused. You cannot sit still. And it's like, in your head, you're thinking, what is this original sin that I'm born with that I can't sit here and pay attention to?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. It's a TCB Infomercial Tuesday with Rory Scovell. I am so excited to have him here with us today. This has been a long time in the making. I asked a long time ago for Rory to show up, and he did not. He did not.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I feel like you and I have a very similar story because I also, in 11th grade, there was a lot of trouble. There was some family strife, but I also was one of those kids who was diagnosed with ADHD. I have a twin brother.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And I think what happened is that me and my twin brother kind of suffered the same fates in a lot of situations because there weren't that many twins and they didn't know what else to do. If you're ADHD, you can't not do this and you have to do this and we'll all go together and we're just doing it that way. And they put me on Ritalin, and it made me so anxious. And I would sweat up a storm.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You know, I'm already Irish, so I'm schvitzing all over the place. And I got these huge armpit stains. But then I'm wearing these coats in the middle of winter just to cover these armpit stains. But I would go to class, and I would just be so anxious. intensely focused on something and so nervous at the same time about everything. And so it didn't last long. I was there.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I was on that for maybe two or three months. And when I took it off, I found a way to kind of focus in on things. But yeah, but these these kids, they're on really intense stimulants. I also took myself off of... Mainly cocaine is mainly what I took myself off of.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And now he is here, and I am very excited because one of my favorite television shows of all time is a show called Those Who Can't. It's a television show that had a brief run on TruTV three or four seasons, I think, and now you can't even find it. We were just looking for it, and you can't find it.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Isn't that the worst? I got into that phase in my 30s, too. You had to read it each time. Do you find as you're getting older that you're paying more attention to the... I think it's kind of like the butterfly effect. Like, I don't know that all of these things are connected, but I feel like if one thing is affecting one thing, then it must be affecting the other.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
In other words, it all kind of is interconnected. So if you're eating better and you're addressing past traumas or... situations in your life that may be locked inside your head or weighing you down emotionally, if you take care of those things, address those things, it can only improve everything a little bit more, right?
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
People are – I think they get stuck in their heads and they get stuck in their ways. And I think also – and I know you know this because I watch your special and I sense that you're onto this – is that the tribalism is so strong that if you –
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
It's crazy, but it is one of the— Oh, yeah, he's also been on Physical. He's been in a lot. Babylon. He's been in a lot of television programs. He's done a lot of stand-up. And he is known as an improvisational comic of... He's like on the top of the mountain as far as improv comedy is concerned. He's always down there. Largo. We're going to Largo, darling.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
everything is about one or the other black or white when everything's really gray it's like if you believe in eating healthy then you must be one of these health conspiracy nuts who believes every you know big mcdonald's is a big conspiracy to keep us all fat and ugly and And weighed down. But and you voted for that girl or you voted for this guy. But that's not the truth.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You can evolve like we can evolve and not believe that, you know, 5G waves are going to activate the COVID vaccine and send us all to hell. But that eating, not eating McDonald's every day for lunch is probably not good for us. There is a middle space there where you can believe those two things can be true at the same time.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You did this special on HBO, on Max. It's streaming now on Max. It's brilliant. It's really good. Thank you. You're welcome. And you go right at it, right from the beginning. You hit right at the kind of the gut of religion. What is your... Where are you now in... Where are you now in kind of your evolution about religion? You grew up Catholic, went to Catholic school, just like I did.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Something turned me off big time about the theocracy and some of the idiocracy. And I was just having this conversation with my dad yesterday, which was not a comfortable conversation. Because he said that Conclave, the movie, was Hollywood pushing a liberal agenda on it. And I was like, Dad...
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Anyway, I said, Dad, you know, the Catholic Church has been a hiding ground, like literally a place for gay men and women to go hide for years. And the fact that the Pope might or might not understand that is not a Hollywood conspiracy that's been written. It's the truth. But anyway, where do you stand in religion as an adult?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We're going to Largo to see Rory and Conan. And maybe catch a little John Mayer of Largo. I wish I was in LA so I could go to Largo.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah, just to say you're going to Largo. I'm going to Largo, darling. I'm going to Largo.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah, it's so tainted and it adds to the tribalism and now it's political, which is just crazy to me because that was my dad as a kid. I don't know. Maybe your parents were like this. Also, my dad.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I remember this specifically during one of the elections, like the first Clinton election, second Clinton election, when I was aware enough that an election was happening and I asked my dad, who did you vote for? And he looked at me and he said, you never ask somebody that question. He said, you never asked somebody that question. He's my fucking father.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Meet me at Largo. And you'd think Largo is this magical place with palm trees growing in the middle of it and a pool where they have girls in one-piece bathing suits and bathing caps. Largo seems like a magical place. But then you look at it, it looks like a dining hall. It's like a dining hall. But Largo... If you go to their Instagram, anybody who's anybody is at Largo.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
He wouldn't tell me who he voted for, which was insane. But I long for those. I long for the day when you didn't. But, you know, you are I think you are you and I think a lot alike about this. And I know Chrissy does, too, because we've talked a lot about it on the show. It's like religion in and of itself is not the evil creature. It is God. Sure. Sure. Do unto others. That's it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And that story's been told, that story was told seven times before Jesus Christ supposedly even walked on the earth, this kind of the same story. And I love that you wrap in this new special, it's not new now, but it's been out for about what, a year?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah. It's so good. And you wrap this in such a hilarious package, but it's pointed and it's satirical and it's improvisational, I would imagine, at moments. And it's just really good. It's really sharp. And you go at it and the audience seems to be with you because it's hard to defend. It's hard to knock common sense. It's just hard to knock common sense.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And I saw during the pandemic, the COVID, I saw Rory was at Largo a lot. So you know he must be good because everyone's there. Everyone's showing up at Largo. Every comic we've had on this show, maybe with the notable exception of just a few, I've seen their picture at Largo over the last six months. It's insane. And then some we haven't had, like Conan.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
They're known for a lot of things. So anyway, so Rory is a very diverse, very well-rounded actor and comedian. And I just couldn't be more excited. This is like a personal.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
It's a personal. I'm personally fanboying just a little bit because those who can't is great. And you can't find it anywhere. So I implore you, the listener, to write into True TV or whoever owns the rights. I think it's True TV. Yeah. Release. Release the hounds. Yes. Release the those who can't. Oh, and Rory has a special that came out about a year ago to much value.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
, . . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P,實, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a Laboratory a
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I think it was like kind of all over the place. A lot of press about it. Religion, sex, and a few things in between is now on streaming on max plus minus HBO plus minus. It's on that HBO. Discovery TLC. But it's on that app. I watched it over the last couple of days. I thought it was brilliant.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I think this is the downside. And I think there's a lot of downsides, but I think this is the downside. The wonderful part about prestige TV and the ability to throw, just throw cash at creative ideas and allow them to manifest themselves in beautiful ways is great.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
But the downside is once the press gets out there and physical is great and everybody watched physical and they see a bump in subscribers, we're going to season two, but then it doesn't happen again in season two. It's just like, guys, sorry, we got to let that go. And so you get these kind of, there are so many great shows, Netflix, Hulu, Apple, Amazon, That have three and done. That's it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Because I think that's the natural arc of subscriber acquisition due to the show. It's like once the press fades out, it's like, what are you going to do?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I think it's, Chrissy and I have talked about this and I kind of take this contrarian stance that Netflix broke something that was not broken. We may not have loved everything about it, but the kind of the way that cable carried television shows into our homes and allowed good television to stay around, there was something there. And now, yes, we have endless choices, but- The discovery is hard.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah, he's also on tour. So all the links in the show notes to all of that, get tickets to his tour. And all of his Instagram, his TikTok, all of his social handies. Handies. I'm thinking about that auto blow toy.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
If your show's not getting a bunch of press, it's just going to get buried. You know, the story arcs last for a season, maybe two, maybe three. And it's just really tough as the viewer, because you get emotionally... Imagine if Severance ended tomorrow. We'd all go throwing our heads through a wall. Well, physical was good, and there's not a lot of closure around it. As is those who can't.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And that was one of my favorite television shows ever. Of all time. So here's the story. I go, I was lucky enough to take a big, long trip in Spain. My wife is Venezuelan and Spanish and we have family in Spain. So we said, let's go spend a month in Spain. Let's take the kids. They're young. We're going to go spend a month in Spain. And we traveled all around and we get to the north of Spain.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And my wife had rented an Airbnb that really ended up being like a working chicken farm. It We were in the middle of the Andalusian mountains or wherever the hell we were. And we are on this like live chicken farm and the Airbnb.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I said, honey, the only thing I need is I need internet so that I can make sure that the show is running and that, you know, we get communication from the network and stuff like that. And she says, oh, don't worry. Every Airbnb we're going to get has internet. But when we get there, the internet is coming from the owner of the house lives in
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
two doors down which is like half a mile away and she has internet that she then sends to like you know it's in it's like a wireless router so if certain parts of the house you might or might not be able to connect depending on what day or time or if the chickens are out if they're not or whatever
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
So I had downloaded – I had watched a couple of episodes of Those Who Can't, and I downloaded all the seasons onto my phone through TruTV, or I think it was TruTV. And I – The way that I did that is in the middle of the night, I snuck out of the front of the house and the chickens followed me and tried to peck at me.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
They followed me and I went up to the other house and I started downloading your episodes. And you kept me sane through a good portion of this trip, which I really wanted to go insane. We're in the middle of nowhere, nothing to do. The kids are going crazy. The chickens are shitting everywhere and trying to kill my kids. And I watched your show and I loved it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I just wish there was so much more of it. Was that a great experience making that television show? And so many comedians came on that show.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Let me break down the fourth wall for the 50,000th time on this show. It takes a lot of work to book this show and Astrid and the great team at CTB book the show, the guests on the show. But that doesn't mean that we also don't get pitched a lot of guests outside of that kind of circle of trust that we have, so to speak, the tree of trust, the nest, the safe nest.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Well, this will probably be the 300th time I've said this on the commercial break, but watch that television show. It is so fucking funny. It is one of the funniest television shows that I honestly have ever seen. I loved it from the first episode. Send me that picture because as a fanboy... I'm going to print it and I'll put it here in the studio.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And I think that's a fun part about the show. Really, honestly, I mean, all the guys are good. Benny's great. Adam's great. But you are a scene stealer in that show. It's like every time you come out, you want more of the principal because it's just so funny. And I can only imagine...
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
how many takes some of this took, because if I was standing there, there would have been breaking all over the place for sure. What is your favorite thing to do? Is it like, are you still in love with improv? Are you feeling stand-up is... where your place is, you're kind of versatile.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You're one of those few who are doing all, I mean, I guess there's a number of people out there who do it, but not to great effect. You've now been in a great television show, had a great special, been in comedy TV. What is your, where does your heart lie?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And we get pitched so many guests through our general mailbox, like PR people just, you know, throwing auto-generated emails, I'm sure, out there. And we got the most interesting one about an hour ago. The creator and owner of the auto-blow machine, which is, I guess, the world's best auto-masturbator.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
My hope for you is you go back to your time with the guys. Those who can't free yourself and you focus and you say, I'm going to be the scene stealer. I'm going to be the guy who shoots the ball because I think you're really talented. You're very good at stand up. You have a you are a natural storyteller. I call you a tendril comic. And this is a complete comic compliment. And here's here's why.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You're a storyteller, but there are tendrils. You go here, you go there, you bring it back. You go here, you go there, you bring it back. It's my favorite kind of storyteller is someone who knows how to take a left turn and then get back on the road at some point. But in between, we're going to have a little laughs with this absurdity, with this craziness.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I'm sure Rory's going to love that this is an intro to his DCV info show. But the auto blow machine is one of these, like, it's a huge contraption.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I mean, I don't know if you intended this in your special, but there's a whole part where you're like, let me get back to what I'm doing. You pull out a piece of paper, you turn around and you do three and a half minutes with this piece of paper, two and a half minutes with this piece of paper. And I just thought it was brilliant. Was that improvised? No.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yes. Yes. It's like mine. It's like a small VW bus. But this one you have to plug into the wall. At least mine was chargeable. You can take it off the plug. But this one you plug into the wall and then you sit it on yourself and then it just like does its thing, auto blowing you to complete you. It's auto-blowing you to completion. And you can sync it with real-life porn movies.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah. Wow. It's so good. You watch it. It's religion, sex, and some other things, right?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And everything in between. Yeah. On math. And a few things.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
When I say Tyndrell comic, that's the Tyndrell comic. It should have started with that. A few things and religion and sex. Rory Scoville, I got a million other questions. So I hope you come back. I really am grateful for your time. Oh, and Rory is now going until April. How many shows are you doing?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Okay. Well then when in fall, when you come to Atlanta, uh, We will come see you. I will put links in the show notes as we always do to Rory's, all of his pertinent stuff, the special, how to get tickets. We really appreciate you being here today. You are a smart, kind, empathetic, self-aware human being who also happens to be hilarious.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah, coming from a mediocre comedy podcast host, now you can go die in peace. Brian said it.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You have reached the pinnacle of your career, my friend.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We often say here, when you come to the commercial break, you're either on your way up or on your way down. I'll let you figure out which one it is. Thank you, Rory. We really appreciate it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
auto blows we didn't get to the auto blow but maybe next time when he comes around we'll talk to rory about auto blow yeah that is my favorite type of conversation i find that we have a lot of those around here actually is when um what you may not what you didn't see actually what you won't see in that cut is that when we you know we stop and went during the commercial break we talked to him and say okay
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
goodbye thank you very much and all that other stuff and he said yeah I really like the way you guys approach that because you just sit and have a conversation it's relaxed it's and I said yeah because you know that this is your life type of interview so many people do that and I find it it's overdone like there are some people who are really good at that Howard Stern really good at that 60 minutes
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
really good at that brian and chrissy we can't focus on anything for more than two minutes so you might as well just have a conversation like you're talking to a friend yeah like you're talking to the chef at the counter with the martini there you go that's yeah that's when you get all the good juicy information that's when you learn that the bread on your table is going to be the croutons and the salad tomorrow and trust me no one wants that shit no one chrissy
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
So there's some porn movies where you can, I guess, like Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon and Wizard of Oz, you can start it both at the credits, and then it'll auto-blow you to completion, just like the movie.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I did, too. I hope he comes back. He will. He'll be back. I have a feeling. I have a feeling that's one of the few that say they want to come back and will actually come back. Or maybe I'm wrong. I've been wrong before. I could be wrong again. I don't know. All right. RoryScoville.com. That's where you get all the tickets to his tour. I'm sure that all of his special information is up there.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
But need not even go to his website. You just click on the links below in the show notes. All the information will be there. I'll put all the pertinent details, and we'll repeat that throughout the week so that if you didn't hop on board on Tuesday, you can go on Friday and check it out in the show notes. That's how we do it, in case you haven't picked up on that little pattern.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
It's Rory week here at the commercial break, and we sure are grateful for his time. Just a nice guy. Just a nice guy.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I love every state. I'm all about it. Every state. North and South Dakota. East and West Montana. They're all wonderful. I love them. Yes, they are. West Virginia. Regular Virginia. I love them all. I've been to all of them. All 48 contiguous states I have visited. Did you know that?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I have stepped foot in all 48 contiguous states, and I think that is an accomplishment that every American should try. Now, I know that it takes a lot of time to do that, and not everybody is a college dropout with a bad cocaine problem, but if you do get there in life... Just keep driving. That's all I got to say. Do a big circle. It'll be okay.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah. Oh, we didn't even ask him about Mike Gordon.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We didn't even ask him how he got up with the guy from Phish. I know. That's true. Yeah. Oh, that was like the most interesting question we had. Leave it to us. Who has ADHD? Him or us? I think between the two of us, we couldn't figure it out.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
But it was an interesting conversation. I hope you enjoyed it as much as we do. So go to the show notes. Click on his links. Go see him. Watch his special. You know. TCB Podcast dot com. That's where you get more information about Chrissy and I. All the show notes, all the audio, all the video right there at one location. You can also get your free TCB swag.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We'll send you a sticker if you give us your physical address. Astrid will send you one. Take about a week or two to get there. No muss, no fuss. Add the commercial break on Instagram. TCB Podcast on TikTok. YouTube dot com slash the commercial break. And two one two four three three.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Three, TCV, questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, or leave us a voicemail and be the next voice of the commercial break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
So anyway, probably not going to have that guy on as a guest, but maybe, I don't know, maybe that's what we should do.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Maybe that's where we get our... I'm going to tell him, I'll say, if I get 30% of any sales that come from the commercial break, I'll probably be a millionaire after that episode. Everyone's going to be like, I got an auto blow, a TCB auto blow.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah, we could do a collab, a TCB collab with the auto blow guy.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
It does. Listen, it's not above us. It's not like I'm saying we're too good to have the auto blow guy on. We're not. It's just can we actually have a conversation with the auto blow guy without getting electrocuted?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I don't trust something you got to plug in. I just don't. I'm not putting that thing on my dick. I'm sorry. It's just not happening. I like to hide when I'm doing my thing because I don't even want to see me. I was talking to somebody a couple months ago and they were like, yeah, it's kind of weird. You're in the mirror doing your thing. And I'm like, in the mirror? You're doing the mirror?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
That's gross. I feel bad for Astrid. I like to turn the lights off. So at least she doesn't have to look at this while she's trying to auto blow herself to completion.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Rory's on tour. He's got that special. He's been in Physical. He's been in Those Who Can't, which you cannot watch anywhere. So I don't know why I'm talking about it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
My Northwest Spain adventure with the Airbnb that had no air conditioning, chickens, and no internet or television.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Which, hey, listen, I'm sure that for some people that's like, you know, that's the best thing that ever happened. Yeah, that's the best thing that ever happened. But for me, it was the worst thing that ever happened because I was like, wait, I got to sit around with my extended family and talk with no distraction?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I think we were there for about a day and a half, two days, if I recall the story, before we took off.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. We left the rest of the family there. And Astrid's like, I already know. I came to her and I'm like, honey. And she goes, I already know. I booked a hotel. And I'm like, all right. Yeah. But those who can't, I downloaded it onto my phone while holding my phone up in the middle of the street trying to get my neighbor's internet.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
In Spain, while the chickens were coming after me. I didn't even know chickens were nocturnal. That's the weirdest thing. I know.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah. And then all of a sudden, like the Wi-Fi waves are going through their brains.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
They thought it was morning time. They thought, oh, this guy's here to feed us. And I said, no, I'm here looking for Internet. Get off my leg. Get away. They're scary when they're that big. Well, it was a rooster, actually, and he was not happy that I was. Hanging out near his ladies. Yeah, he was defending the hen house.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
I said, listen, it doesn't even work for human women, so it's not going to work for chickens. Don't worry about it. I'm good. I'm just looking for some true TV comedy. That's what I'm looking for. So let's do this. So before we get way far off track, check out Rory's special. If he's coming close, get some tickets to his tour. We got lots to discuss with him. So let's do this.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Why don't we take a break, Chrissy? And when we get back through the magic of telepodcasting, you and I will have Rory right here in my living room, essentially. Wa-bam! Wa-bam! Wa-bam! I wish I could do that, but I'm too throaty today to do wa-bam! It sounds real now. It's like...
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We're on our 10th fake spring around here and the pollen is starting to snow pollen in Atlanta because it rained over the weekend and it was warm and now it's cold. So what happens? The trees jizz pollen directly into my sinuses and then I've got a... Tree semen-based infection in my nose. That's what happens. Sock puppet like Ari. Sock puppet. That was funny. That was funny. All right.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We'll talk lots more about all that jazz when we get back with our good friend. Our good friend. With hopefully our friend, Ari Scoville. We'll be back.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. And Rory's here with us now. Thank you for your time. Very grateful to have you here with us today.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
You are originally from Greenville, South Carolina. Is that right? Yeah, right around the corner from where we are. We're here in Atlanta. Yeah.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Yeah. Greenville has become quite a little pocket of cool. Yeah. And I didn't know that. I went and saw Pearl Jam there maybe like seven or eight years ago. And we spent a couple days in Greenville and just kind of darted around from here to there. And I thought, what a cool fucking city that I have never thought twice about living an hour and a half away. Yeah.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
700 000 that price is substantially higher yeah the fact that the you guys can't stop advertising how great right yeah but we see that we see the commercials all the time i think i saw a billboard one time it was like yeah greenville is second atlanta and we don't want it or greenville is atlanta number two we don't want it or something along those lines it was like it was like the greenville uh tourism board said please don't come we're not interested in your bullshit yeah you
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
We are the armpit of Atlanta. Don't bother. It's a great jaunt. I mean, if you live here in Atlanta, you can go an hour and a half away. But I do understand places like Asheville and Charleston and, you know, these places.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
Charleston has always been a tourist city, but Charleston also is just like overrun with tourists like every other tourist town in the world and places like Greenville, which are like these tertiary cities everywhere. They get inundated with human beings to go there for the weekend. And then they decide, since I can now work from home, let me go live there.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
And then people like Rory's family have to pay $850,000 for a thousand square foot dump shack.
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TCB Infomercial: Rory Scovel
What happened? You should be $100,000. Your parents still live there?
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I Would Rather Not!
You may have never heard a Phish concert. You may have never been to one. But I guarantee you have friends that have. I guarantee you know people who have been to Phish. Or I guarantee you know people who are going to shows that were influenced directly by Phish. They have had their tentacles in all kinds of musical history. I am not a cuck for Phish. I like the band. I like their music.
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I Would Rather Not!
I've been to shows. I enjoy watching them live. It's not my favorite band ever. But I would say they certainly have earned their place, like the Grateful Dead earned their place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Phish, in a lot of ways, is another Americonic band that is highly successful. So Phish deserves their place. Outkast deserves their place. Joe Cocker deserves his place.
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The Black Crows deserve their place. The White Stripes deserve their place.
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We can talk about, like, White Stripes... We can talk about how that's influenced music in all kinds of ways. The revolutionary band making music on their own terms. The Black Crows, they're just in-your-face rock and roll. And that voice that Chris Robinson has. And those two brothers, the way they're always punching each other on stage and kicking each other in the balls and stuff.
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Would you rather have to give a TED Talk about your last sexual experience or your search history projected on a billboard for three days? Oh, God. Well, I'd do the TED Talk because it would, like my last sexual experience, it would be very short. I'd just be like, I came, I saw, I came.
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That's one of the great rock and roll stories of all time, along with Oasis, those two brothers. The stories of four brothers who can't fucking get along, and they make great music, and they can't get out of their own fucking way to get on stage and make us all happy. Fuck all of you.
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Oh, I know. Oh, they're talking about Oasis. I was like, what? Really?
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That's what I said. Yeah, that's what I said. You've got two sets of brothers that can't get along to save their life and make wonderful music. Both of them, like both sets of brothers.
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Like Kevin and I. Kevin couldn't play an instrument to save his life, but I know the saxophone or the sexy phone, if you don't mind. That's right. I play Alto. What do you play? Nothing. That's right. Kev, you should have stuck with it. Because do you know how many times the sexy phone has gotten me laid? Zero. Zero.
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I Would Rather Not!
I have put my lips all over the sexy phone. I get my reed wet every time. By the way, wind instruments are some of the most disgusting things in the world. Trumpeters are always spitting their saliva all over the floor. I mean, I was in band for a long time. I know how to play a sexy phone. Not very well, but I was second chair because I was too lazy to be first chair.
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And I agreed with my band director's decision. I was like, I don't want all that pressure to practice. No, I'll just let him play and I'll pretend. Yeah. When the solo comes on, just give me an A, D, A, D, A, D. But I knew. I knew the notes and I knew how to play. And, you know, I would also not toot my own horn. I won a few local awards for my sexy phone playing.
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Mainly because the guy in the first chair would come with me to the competition. And he was very good. Russell. It was Russell and Brian. They were mainly Russell dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, Brian. Yeah. And the people who were judging the competitions would be like, well, I'm not even sure the second guy played anything. He just pretended. But Russell was really good.
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I Would Rather Not!
We would practice for weeks and I would just retire. Anyway, whatever. Those wind instruments, when you have to get a reed wet, you just have to keep on licking it until it's wet and warm. I mean, if you think about it, it's all kind of gross. Now in my old age, I'm not sure that my germaphobes would handle a sexy phone. But back in the day, I could get a reed wet. You were good with it.
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I Would Rather Not!
There you go. All right. So that is the nominating class of 2025 for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. So haters be damned. I think these are really hard choices, actually.
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Brian just kicks over a glass of water. Yeah, I think it's a really hard choice. And I don't even know that I could pick five. But I would have to say Joe Cocker, OutKast, I think Fish, I think the Black Crows. White Stripes. Yeah, Chubby Checker, I guess. I would get all of them.
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I would get all of them. I really would. Well, Mariah Carey, bad company. And I'm sorry, Joy Division. I know so many people love Joy Division New Order. I know. I know. I was never into that unless I was dating like a goth girl. And then all of a sudden I became like a New Order fan. I was like, oh, yeah, I love New Order. That's great. That's great. What songs do they sing? Yes.
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I know that there is a big cult following for Joy Division, New Order, and so can't shit on them too much. But if I had to take a couple of out, the out, and say, okay, next time, guys.
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Just for this year. Yeah, I'd say New Order, Joy Division next year. I'd say Mariah Carey next year. I'd say Bad Company next year. And I'd say Soundgarden next year because Soundgarden is going to get it. They're going to eventually. Chris Cornell died and posthumously. He was one of the more interesting voices.
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Bad Motor Finger. if to me, is one of the transformative albums of my life. It was like the first grunge album.
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Alice in Chains. Alice in Chains, yeah. Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam. Nirvana, yeah. And so many hundreds of others. Those were like my informative years. Yeah, me too. But Soundgarden? They were older than the rest, and they were first. They were like in the 80s. They were making music that was starting to sound a little edgy, like the time of Guns N' Roses.
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They were one of the first OG original Seattle sound bands, and that Bad Motor Finger came out just like... It preempted a little bit of all of that Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Alice in Chains hype. Stone Temple Pilots came a couple years later. But I will tell you what, that Soundgarden album, I bought it in Chicago on a trip home, like back to go visit family.
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And my aunt let me buy it at a CD store because I had heard one song and I wore the shit out of that album.
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I couldn't believe it. Like, it was, like, sonically explosive. And I just loved it. And his voice. Oh. It was like a hot knife cutting butter. It was unbelievable. Chris Cornell, may you rest in peace, my friend. Another great one gone. I can't believe Eddie's still here, actually. I can't believe Eddie Vedder's still here.
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I got tickets for both nights. Do you think I'm going to miss Pearl Jam?
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I got Pearl Jam. I got Oasis. And for some reason, I got Shakira. Don't ask me why. I don't know. I'm heading there. We're going to go see Ari Shaffir. We're going to do Oasis. We're going to do Pearl Jam. We're going to do... Shakira, I guess. We got a lot of things on the books, actually, which is surprising. We need to probably find a babysitter. That reminds me. So why don't we do this?
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I Would Rather Not!
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. TCB, raw dog in it. All right. All right.
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Let's take a break. I'll find a babysitter for all my activities this spring and summer. And then when we get back, a good game of Would You Rather, Chrissy. Oh, okay. TCB style. We'll be back.
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I Would Rather Not!
All right. Let's play a little game. I asked our good friend GPT. Chat? Chat. Chatty. Chatty PT. Yeah. APT, APT. Have you heard that song? So my kids were running around. One of my kids was like, and I'm like, what's what is that? And then I realized it's a Bruno Mars song where he'd say, meet me at the apartment, the APT, the apartment.
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And I was like, God damn, my kids aren't even old enough to wipe their own butts, some of them. And they're already saying words that I don't understand. So I had to ask ChatGPT, what does APT mean? So anyway, so I've been playing with ChatGPT and I told ChatGPT, go out there, find all the available information about the commercial break, which is...
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A lot, because we're thousands of episodes into this stupid show. And I said, read all those transcripts, and then I want you to do a would-you-rather commercial break style. So revolving around TCB. Now, not all of them are super specific to TCB.
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I Would Rather Not!
Some of them are more generalized, because I think the transcripts sometimes aren't easily readable to things like ChatGPT, because we just— Or listenable. Or listenable. Fair enough. That's true, too. Okay. But I thought we'd play a little Would You Rather TCB. What do you think?
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I Would Rather Not!
Yes, that's the new slogan. Raw Doggett with TCV. I thought about putting it on the... Oh, so I changed the description of the show. I asked ChatGPT to give a description of the commercial break, and then I put that description on the show. But I made it clear that this was how a chatbot recently described the commercial break. So there you go. We're going all in on AI.
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Anybody? All right. We hit that down just a little bit. There you go. Perfect. Okay. Here you go. Rather. Ready? Rather. Rather.
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I Would Rather Not!
Speaking of Dan Rather, Lester Holt is leaving MSNBC. I saw that. I mean, NBC. Wow. Okay. He's been doing that for 15 years. I didn't realize it had been that long. Yeah. It felt like just yesterday. But like just yesterday. Do you watch regularly? No, I don't. I don't. The only reason why I watch the last five minutes because the kids like to watch Wheel of Fortune.
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So we'll turn it on five minutes ahead of time. All right. Would you rather? TCB style. Here you go. Chrissy. Would you rather co-host an episode with Brian during one of his angry days?
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You do have them. Well, it said during one of his tangent days, but I'm paraphrasing so that we understand.
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But hold on, Chrissy. Hold on. Because you haven't heard the second part.
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I can be kind of ornery. Would you rather, this is to the audience, but we'll answer for you. Would you rather have your most embarrassing story shared on the commercial break or accidentally send a nude email to your entire contact list? Let me think about that one, too. Well, I've already had all my embarrassing stories here on the commercial break.
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Everybody you've ever worked with. All those random guys at the bar that you've never cleaned out their phone numbers. Embarrassing story on the commercial. We've already been.
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Yeah, me too. I really do. We turn it down just a little bit more. Thanks, Tina. I appreciate it. For some reason, it's very loud in my ears. Would you rather. Be a guest on an episode where Brian's talking about pyramid. Oh, would you rather be a guest focusing on you as a pyramid schemer or a cringeworthy pickup artist?
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Pickup artist for sure. Yeah, because we kind of like the pickup artist. Yeah, exactly. Pyramid schemers, I don't have any. I don't suffer for those. But the pickup artists, sometimes I'm like, okay, I get what you're saying.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yes. Oh, that's true. We'd love to have a pickup artist on. I'm just too afraid to ask them because then, you know, you ask Frankie B. So many people write in and they're like, get Frankie B on, get Frankie B on. I'd love to do that, but then the game's over. Yeah. Like if he comes on, I mean, maybe it's not.
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Yeah, he's real, and he's probably going to be nice, and we're probably going to like him, and it's going to be hard to bust on his ball, you know? Yeah. We've had people on that were like, we had questionable thoughts about.
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At least most of us did. Some of us did. Would you rather join Brian on a misadventure in the jungle?
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I'm trying to get out of this seat and have AI do my... You remember how I promised that we would never be an AI show?
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Yes. Or accompany Chrissy on a wild night with hazy memories.
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Well, we've done both at the same time. Separately and at the same time. Would you rather be the subject of a TCB deep dive into your awkward teenage years or have them analyze all of your social media posts in the last three years?
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I Would Rather Not!
Well, yeah, for you. But if you're like a regular listener, I'm probably saying if you've made it past 30 years old, you'd probably rather a steep dive into your teenage years. Because at least then you can say, well, with some hindsight, I'm a better person. But, you know, if you're... No.
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Harding Kanye West's social media post that I'm not going to feel good about it. Hold on one second.
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You don't have bad memories from your teenage years. I don't have... I mean, yeah, I do have bad memories from my teenage years. Would you rather be featured in a TCB segment about dating fails or a TCB... segment about bizarre restraining order.
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I Would Rather Not!
Soon to be 100% AI manufactured. And more than likely, funnier than ever. Make me a mediocre comedy podcast. One already exists. It's the commercial break. Starring Brian Greenwig and Kristen Hodley. Oddly. I'll see you oddly. Celebrating Chrissy's birthday. Congratulations to you, my friend. Chrissy's back from Mexico. We're all here. We're having a good time. It's a birthday month. I like that.
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Yes. I mean, that's an easy one. Dating fails. Yeah. GPT, they took that one to the extreme. Would you rather have Brian prank call your boss live on the podcast or have Chrissy send a flirty text message to your wife? I'd say flirty text message. You just say, they have an AI text message system. She does that to everybody.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, you wouldn't want me prank calling your boss because it's likely you'd end up without a job. You know, I used to do prank calls for the show. And I called such infamous people as OJ Simpson, Bill Murray, But not a lot of them made them on air because I was like, I don't know what the legality is of recording these and throwing them out there. Although lots of other shows do it.
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I'm sure there's some loophole that lets me do it. Maybe someday I'll play it. I called O.J. Simpson. He answered the phone. Just letting you know that. And I think we might have played a portion of that on one of our shows. But I called O.J. He answered the phone. Sounded like he was on the golf course. And we talked for a minute. And he laughed at me and hung up.
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Would you rather have an awkward first date recounted on TCB or have them discuss your most recent wardrobe choices?
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Wardrobe choices. Yeah, I think so, for sure. You don't want us discussing your relationships. That's for sure. No, we're bad at that. Would you rather participate in a TCB game where you have to guess the outcome of a bizarre news story or one where you have to decipher the meaning of obscure slang terms?
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I think news story. I think that's an easy... I don't think either way. Fine. Okay. Yeah. Would you rather have Brian and Chrissy critique your karaoke performance or your toast at a wedding? Oh, your karaoke performance. Definitely. Because if we did your wedding, you'd be out of the family. Yeah.
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Would you rather have your high school yearbook photo displayed on TCB's social media or have them share your most awkward childhood nickname? Well, I would say social media because no one actually looks at our social media. So there you go. At least people listen to the show. Would you rather have your...
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Brian and Chrissy attempt to set you up on a blind date or have them plan your next birthday party.
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I don't know. I mean, I think if we were given a list... I'll tell you what. I think we could do just as good picking a blind date as some of those television shows. We were going to try that. We were going to try that. But again, I was worried about the legalities should something bad happen. Yeah, hooking people up with murders. Yeah, I just don't know.
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Yeah, hooking them up with stalkers and murders, and then all of a sudden I'm in a courtroom, you know, something bad has happened.
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Yeah. Do you remember that Jenny Jones lady? Yes. Okay. The Jenny Jones show was just as popular as... Jerry Springer at one point and almost as popular as Oprah. Jenny Jones show started taking on that kind of Jerry Springer-esque type of attitude and mood. She did. And someone murdered somebody after they were set up or confronted on a date. On the Jenny Jones show, something along those lines.
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And the Jenny Jones show went away within a year. It went away.
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Yeah, but Springer continued. I mean, Springer went on. Yeah, because he was lawyered up, I guess. I'm not sure. But we don't have the money to pay for lawyers around here.
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Would you rather have your most embarrassing voicemail played on the podcast or read your last series of drunk text messages? I'd say please neither.
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I think my most embarrassing voicemails are probably really embarrassing. And I know exactly who I would have sent them to. And people would be like, he's a monster. I mean, you know.
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What's that? Mads? Mads. Did I send it to Mads? If you're watching Love is Blind, then you know. I-K-N-Y-K-Y-N-Y. Would you rather have Brian and Chrissy improvise a skit about your most recent mishap or have them reenact your most awkward family gathering?
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Whatever that is. Okay. Spilling coffee in front of a bunch of strangers. Showing a photo of your dog during a PowerPoint presentation. I don't know.
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Yeah, I don't care. Whatever. Would you rather have your... Whatever. That's not that. Would you rather have your internet browsing history... Discussed by TCB or have them analyze your most recent dreams. Oh, analyze the dreams. Analyze the dreams. Yeah. I would not anyone, anyone looking at my history.
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No. That computer. That computer is a national treasure right there. Would you rather have your most awkward high school memory turned into a TCB bit? Or have them dramatize your last terrible job interview.
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At least for another couple days. I like that. I'll let you ride for another couple days. Okay. And then no more talk about Mexico making me jealous. Even though our tans are equal. We have equal tan.
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Yeah, I'd say school memory only because so much time has passed. And school was, like, all my school memories are awkward. You know what I'm saying? And I think most people's are. Would you rather a Brian and Chrissy provide commentary on your most recent social media photos or have them read aloud your last five text messages to your loved one? Uh...
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I Would Rather Not!
I'd say the social media photos because we all put up there what we want people to see. Yeah, exactly. There's not going to be anything too embarrassing. Right. However, Astrid and I, you know, Astrid and I are married. Sometimes we say things like, you know, did you call the divorce attorney or meet me in the bedroom in five minutes?
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The guest bedroom. The guest bedroom. Would you rather have your most embarrassing moment in public in a public place discussed on TCB Or have them discuss your most disgusting habit. My most public place embarrassment, I think, for sure. I don't want anyone to know about my bad habits. It's cream and cereal. But you don't want me seeing it. You don't want to see that. It's an ugly thing.
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You know, it's like when animals die in movies, they don't really show it because it's going to make everybody all upset. Yeah, you don't want to see it.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, that's kind of like my cereal of cream. You don't want to see it. You know it's there. You know what happened. But you don't want to see it. Would you rather have Brian and Chrissy have you confront your most irrational fear or have them know your most common daydream? I think help the irrational fear. Yeah, sure. But I have a lot of irrational fears. So I don't know.
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Yes. I would love nothing more than to get a natural tan, but not in this weather. It's not happening. So I wanted to tell you a follow-up on a story that you may or may not hear in the future, in the week, or maybe you'll never hear it.
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It'd be hard to pick one, I think. Would you rather have Brian and Chrissy speculate or would you rather have Brian and Chrissy display your most unusual talent or have them know about your most guilty television pleasures? This is an interesting one, chat. I do have to say that.
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Yeah, we've already talked about our TV guilty pleasures. So I don't know necessarily that that's that big of a deal. So probably that one. Would you rather have Brian create a mock advertisement for the product you sell or have them do a parody about your favorite hobby? Probably free advertisement. That's what I'm going for. Even if it's a mock, it's a free advertisement.
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Yeah, we did. Still are. There you go. According to who we tell. According to us. We partied a lot. Okay, and one more here. Would you rather have Brian and Chrissy read random pages of your diary... Or have them know about your most embarrassing sex story. Oh. Neither. Thank you.
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I don't know. I think reading random pages in a diary might be interesting, too. Although you're probably going to get random musings about the lady at Starbucks or something like that.
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Sex Sent Me to the ER? Yes. Sex Sent Me to the ER is one of the more fascinating television shows that's out there.
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There's all kind of crazy shit on that show. Yeah, and it's on at 2 o'clock in the afternoon. I know. Which means sometimes my children, because I watch a lot of TLC, sometimes my children are watching it, and I'm like, oh, shit, you guys shouldn't be watching this. What are you doing? Why are you watching this? All right, okay, so that's the TCB version. I've got a couple more Would You Rathers.
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Maybe we'll throw them out in the next segment. Why don't we do this? Let's take a short break, and when we get back, more fun and shenanigans with Chrissy and Brian. We'll be back.
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But I was telling a story about SNL 50 and how all the hype and excitement and all the people that were in town for SNL 50, that Superfly is a podcast that's on our network, Odyssey, with... Dana Carvey and David Spade.
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I Would Rather Not!
All right, and we're back. We're doing a little Would You Rather. Let's do it without the music this time because I think the music felt a little too loud in my ears for some reason. Sometimes I like the music and sometimes I'm like, eh. I think it just depends on what kind of mood I'm in. Brian on an angry day. Here I am. I can't believe it said that. It did.
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I Would Rather Not!
All right, so these are not specific to TCB. These are some would-you-rathers, not specific to TCB, but I thought we'd ask them anyway. Ask them anyway. Let me take a drink of water while we're at it because I feel like after two hours of talking, my mouth is dry. And I'll spill it all over myself in a minute. The older I get, the more I'm just like spilling and dribbling.
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Sometimes I'm eating and my nose starts to run like my grandpa's did. And I'm like, what? Why is my nose running?
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I do keep it freezing wherever I go. And I have absolutely no nose hair because I cannot stand it. And I know that every single... Like, ear, nose, and throat doctor will tell you that that's the worst possible thing you can do. You're inviting disease and sickness. But I just can't take it. I'm not going to be one of those guys who's got nose hair.
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Yeah, I'd let it. I'm like sticking that thing halfway up my sinus cavity. I can't stand it. If I see a hair, I'm like, ah! And why is it that when you get to a certain age, your ear and nose hair grows faster than anything else on your body? It's like, where did that come from?
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Yeah, Esther and I were talking about like we each have like one eyebrow hair that when I wake up in the morning, all of a sudden it'll just be like sticking out. It was like it wasn't there yesterday and now it's three inches long. What happened overnight? Did a little goblin come and pull it out? I mean, it's so weird. So strange how your body works. All right. Ready?
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Would you rather get caught watching porn by your grandparents or your boss? Oh, that's a good one. Boss. Yeah, boss. Listen, I'm going to have, I'll have no job after this, but one could make the argument that you would have a bunch of bosses over the course of a lifetime. And if you got a cool one, they'll understand. Totally. Even at the office, sometimes you need to get one out. Yeah.
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David Spade was telling a story. Dana Carvey didn't go to SNL 50 because he was sick. So that was a disappointment to me. One of the few people that didn't show up that I would have liked to have seen. Because apparently they were going to do Wayne's World. And Dana was sick, so they didn't do Wayne's World. Even though Mike Myers was there, they didn't do Wayne's World.
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But grandparents, it's a hard thing to put back in the bag, you know?
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Would you rather accidentally text I'm horny to your family or to your landlord?
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Oh, God, I'd rather die than do either of those things. Yeah, because your landlord, like they could kick you out and your family, they already hate you. You know what I'm saying? I'm horny. Well, I'd rather do it to my family because they think I'm a weird human being anyway. They probably just go, what is Brian doing? What is he? What joke was that? You know, they think it was jokey.
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Would you rather have to give a TED Talk about your last sexual experience or your search history projected on a billboard for three days? Oh, God. Well, I'd do the TED Talk because it would, like my last sexual experience, it would be very short. I'd just be like... I came, I saw, I came.
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Though the nerves never go away. You know, when we have these comics up, one of my favorite questions to ask is, do you still get the nerves? Are you still nervous before you go out on stage? I think they call it like the longest 15 feet or something like that. Eddie Brill used to say... He termed it the longest 15 feet.
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And what he meant by that was the 15 feet between backstage and the microphone is where it all starts flooding in, right? You get nervous. You get the, you know, I've heard comics say that they have like this irrational fear that they're going to pee themselves on stage. And I heard one comic who no one you would know. It was like a comic on another comic show.
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He was ended up being a comedy writer for TV. But he had to stop doing comedy for like six years because he had an irrational fear that he was going to pee himself on the stage. So irrational that it paralyzed him from going out on stage for five years. He couldn't do stand up. So going out and talking in front of public is never easy. I don't care who you are.
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And if you don't have that fear, then you're just not human. I don't think. Um, so doing a Ted talk, one of that prestige would be really difficult. You do not want to fuck that one up. You get one shot at it usually. And people are really expecting something fantastic to come out of a Ted talk. They paid a thousand dollars to be there. They want to hear you say something brilliant.
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And that, to me, would have killed it. I think that would have killed it. So... David Spade tells a story about how Nate Bargatze says, I'm going to go do 1520 at the Cellar. Do you want to come with me? And so they hop in a car and they go. And on the way there, David Spade calls Chris Rock. Chris Rock is taking a nap and says, yeah, if you're going to the Cellar, I'll meet you there.
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My last sexual experience is not going to be that. That is not what it's going to be. And I can choose any sexual experience and it's all going to be the same. It's not going to be super impressive. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.
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I Would Rather Not!
No, thank you. How do you lengthen your penis? Would you rather have a one-night stand with someone who won't stop crying or won't stop talking? Ooh. Gosh. Wow. Neither. Neither. Thanks.
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I think I've had both. Yeah. I think I've had both, and I don't think either were fun.
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uh crying in bed is a disconcerting thing and i've had it happen a number of times and i can understand why look at me um no one i mean you come to the realization that this might be as good as it gets this bald hairy fat man writhing around on you uh and i've had i've been in bed with people who yeah with talkers remind me to tell you what they're saying
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I Would Rather Not!
I had a couple of experiences with a mutual friend, and the talk was not sexual in nature. I think they were trying to –
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I Would Rather Not!
deflect the intimacy of the moment or the tenderness of the moment or the maybe the embarrassment of the moment I'm not really sure what it was but it was kind of like this incessant need to talk so that I don't know but I didn't want to talk like okay can we stop talking for a second so we can enjoy this And she just kept on talking. And I didn't find it to be very interesting.
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I Would Rather Not!
But then the crying part of it, if you've ever been in bed with someone that cries, that is a reason for concern no matter what. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. There's usually some kind of trauma behind it. Yeah, no thanks. Neither. I'll take neither. Would you rather have an orgasm every time you hear your name or never be able to orgasm while music is playing?
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I Would Rather Not!
We reviewed a video once about a guy who couldn't control his orgasm. On a follow-up note, I found a video where it was clear that that guy was making it all up, even to the doctors. Like, the doctors kind of caught on.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, around kids, and he was, like... Yeah, it was weird. Holding his balls. It was... It seemed a little, it seemed a little acty to me. It turned out it was acty. Would you rather moan every time you stretch or gasp dramatically every time you sit down? That's funny. That is a good one.
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I Would Rather Not!
And every time he was punching something, he'd be like. And everybody in the gym was looking at him going, what in the world is going on with you? He was fully committed to the bit to fully committed to the bit. I think dramatically gasp every time I sit down. I think I do that now. I'm surprised I still can sit down with these aging bones.
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I Would Rather Not!
So they go to the Cellar and then Leslie Jones is already slated to be there. So David says to the show manager, he says, okay, you know, uh, let Leslie go up first. I'll introduce Rock and then Rock can introduce Nate or whatever, how it goes. And then the house manager and David's thinking to himself, wow, this is, these people paid 18 bucks to see this show. This is amazing.
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I Would Rather Not!
Would you rather have your partner's parents walk in on you? Would you rather have your in-laws walk in while you're having sex? Or have your boss walk in while you're having sex. I'd say again, this is boss. Yeah. I can get another job. I can't get more in-laws.
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Would you rather have your phone auto-correct every word into something sexual or turn every emoji into an eggplant and a water symbol?
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I Would Rather Not!
Would you rather have to wear lingerie to work for a week or go commando for a year? Well, commando can be covered up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it can. You can put a pair of jeans on and go commando. And I don't think I'd want to wear anything to work that reveals anything. Not for a whole week. No, no thanks.
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I Would Rather Not!
Would you rather accidentally scream the wrong name during sex or have your partner do it to you? Oh, that is a good one.
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I Would Rather Not!
No, no, no, no, no, no. I think I'd much rather do it to them. Because I'm kind of a numbskull anyway.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, either way, no one's having an orgasm. Either way, you're done. Either way, there's going to be a long conversation. It's going to be a long night. All right, how about three more about relationships? Would you rather be able to only have sex in public places or in complete silence? Public places. Public places. Yeah, I don't like silence.
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I Would Rather Not!
That makes me nervous when someone doesn't say anything. Been there, done that, too. That's a nerve-wracking one. Would you rather date someone who's amazing in bed but terrible at communication or someone who's an amazing communicator but terrible in bed? Oh. Huh. I'd rather them be average at both, kind of, I think.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yes. And let's be real about the nature of sexual attraction and sex in long-term relationships. It ebbs and it flows. It comes and it goes. But communication you always need. Yes. Right? So you might have periods where you're fucking, you know, six nights a week. And you might have periods where you're fucking one time a month.
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I Would Rather Not!
You know, that's just the way that relationships are for so many different reasons. Right. But you always need to have good communication, especially during the times when there's a lull in sex.
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I Would Rather Not!
So I'm going to go with that one. Would you rather have to role play as a different character every time you have sex or never be able to role play again? I'm saying never be able to role play again.
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I Would Rather Not!
You're going every time? Yeah. Oh, such a... I need those cameras in that house. Desperately.
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I Would Rather Not!
You know, they got all these great comics. Well, that wasn't, that wasn't half of it because the hour before, the hour and a half before, Steve Martin, Martin Short, And was it Jerry Seinfeld? I think Jerry Seinfeld. They had all shown up to do sets at the Cellar in one night. On one night. If you paid $18, you got to see all of those people. Oh, my God. Do 15, 20 minutes of stand up.
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I Would Rather Not!
Oh, Chrissy, what's going on over there? Would you rather have sex with your celebrity crush once but no one believes you or never get to do it but everyone believes you have? Oh. Oh. I want to have sex with Dua Lipa regardless of who believes me.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, I don't give a shit if you think I have. I don't care. Whatever.
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I Would Rather Not!
Until this show, I've never been one to talk about my sexual exploits anyway. I don't care. Who cares? Yeah. Would you rather find out your partner is secretly running an OnlyFans or secretly has a foot fetish?
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I Would Rather Not!
Would you rather your partner never shave again or never wear deodorant again?
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I Would Rather Not!
But there is a point when it's too hairy. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, I don't mind hair down there. God bless you. God bless America. As a matter of fact, just a personal preference. I'm not a huge fan of the totally bald thing. That, to me, feels a little weird. It always has.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, bush is back. A few of us have been ringing that bell the whole time. Bring it back, 70s style. I don't care. But there is too far.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Would you rather date someone who's way too loud during sex? Or never makes a noise while orgasming.
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I Would Rather Not!
Way too loud. I agree with that one. You can put me in that category. Way too loud.
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I Would Rather Not!
Well, I got like 600 more of them, so there you go. Chad GPT, overachiever. That made me a bunch of them.
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I Would Rather Not!
It just kept on going even when I turned it off. It was like, I woke up this morning and it was like 700 of them. Yeah. Nice. Cool. I like when ChadGBT does, you know, they can make us more games. We'll figure it out. Yeah.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah. And I'm going to be honest about it. I'm not going to be like all the other creators and not tell you that that's what I did to make that game up. Okay? There you go. So. Would you rather Brian not tell you that Would You Rather was made by Chad GPT or pretend it wasn't? Which one? You tell me.
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I Would Rather Not!
Send in your favorite Would You Rather. We'd love to hear it. We'll play a game and we'll use only your Would You Rathers. Oh, that's a good one. So send in some Would You Rathers to us and in a couple weeks we'll play it again. Listener style. Only listeners. You make it about TCB, make it about not TCB. I don't care. Whatever it is.
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I Would Rather Not!
Oh, we will. Because some of the people that text in are really interesting. I love them all, but some of them are more interesting than others. Let's put it that way. All right. So in order to do that, you got to know how to get a hold of us. And here's the best way. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We take them all right there.
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I Would Rather Not!
And also, we'll listen to a voicemail or two. If you want to be the next voice on the commercial break, you could be the open of the show. Leave us a short voicemail at that number, 212-433-3822. If you don't want your name said, take it out. Don't say it. And, yeah, we've had people doing that lately, and I really like it. So there's been a few.
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I Would Rather Not!
Also, some people have commented that the bits are back. The bits are back. The bits are back. So I've been making bits at the beginning of the show while you were gone. So if I have time, I will do them. Just sharing that with you. Don't expect that every time. It's hard. That's hard.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, that's hard. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Also, all the audio and all the video and your free TCB sticker at TCBpodcast.com. We'd love to hear from you. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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I Would Rather Not!
But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, would you rather us say goodbye?
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I Would Rather Not!
Okay, so that leads me into an episode full of game playing. Here we go. Are you ready? I'm ready. Don't play the music yet, Tina. I'm going to just do a little game with you. I want to know. You have five people to induct into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Are you ready? Okay. Okay, I'm going to give you the list, and I want you to pick those five people. Okay. Okay, here we go.
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I Would Rather Not!
They're not already in there. It's this year's nominated group. Now everyone's got to vote on them. They'll announce it later on this month, I think March 5th or something like that, later on next month. March 5th. Okay? Pick your five.
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I Would Rather Not!
Okay? Bad Company. The Black Crows. Mariah Carey. Chubby Checker. Joe Cocker, Billy Idol, Cindy Lauper, Joy Division New Order, Manya, Oasis, Outkast, Phish, Soundgarden, The White Stripes.
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I Would Rather Not!
Some people are saying this is one of the weakest nominating classes. I would argue that this is one of the better nominated class. Now, I know every year we can have this debate.
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I Would Rather Not!
OK, but I really do think there's a couple in here that are just they have to be in. They have to be in. Okay, you ready? You want me to review again? Well, no, hold on.
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I Would Rather Not!
With that movie he did, Rock School of Rock or whatever. Listen, Tenacious D is another conversation altogether. I don't think they're Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. They've done a lot, but I don't know that it's Rock and Roll Hall of Fame level. But they're good in their own right, right?
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I Would Rather Not!
But they're a comedy band, and it's kind of like, you know, they had one or two albums that they actually put together of their own music, and they do a lot of cover tunes. Okay, so I agree with you on Chubby Checker. This certainly cannot be the first time that he has been nominated. He was back in the 50s. It's like a twist. Yeah.
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I Would Rather Not!
One of the original rock and roll stars, like rock and roll, Chubby Checker. You think of those two go hand in hand way back in the day when they were just talking about this newfangled thing called rock and roll, making the kids shake their hips and literally jizz on each other. That's what they were afraid of. Girls were going to get pregnant because they were shaking their hips.
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Yeah, rock and roll made them shake their hips. So Chubby Checker, I agree with you.
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I Would Rather Not!
OutKast changed the landscape of music in their own way. I think they are groundbreaking, revolutionary, no doubt about it, and certainly puts Atlanta on the map. And I do think that OutKast deserves their place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Now, they're one of the younger groups that are there inside of the nominating class. So... I don't know, because you also have Joe Cocker.
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I Would Rather Not!
What's that? Isn't that funny? I know, he didn't write any of his own music.
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I Would Rather Not!
Got that voice. Well, with that kind of voice, you just sit around smoking a lot of cigarettes, drinking a lot of whiskey.
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I Would Rather Not!
That song alone, right? But then he played Woodstock. Yeah, he's done a lot. Okay, but I agree with you. He didn't write all of his own songs. I still think he deserves his place as one of the more iconic voices in rock and roll. Joe Cocker deserves to be in there. Billy Idol, I could skip for now. I'm not like, okay, yeah. Yeah, I like him. I don't know. Billy Idol's a little...
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I Would Rather Not!
He's like campy punk. You know what I'm saying? And I'm not sure that I'm... He's like a slicky, glossy, kind of manufactured... I'm not saying that Billy Idol didn't have some good songs.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah. And I think he's a nice... He seems like a cool guy. But I'm not sure that... I'm not sure I would pick him in this round.
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I Would Rather Not!
Oasis? I mean... I might have a case for it. I think you do have to say Oasis deserves their place in rock and roll history. So I'm going Chubby Checker. Black Crows, Joe Cocker, Outkast, The White Stripes. But that leaves out Phish.
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I Would Rather Not!
And how do you do that? Bad Company I could give a shit about. I mean, I just don't care about Bad Company. I'm sorry. I just don't like their music, but I know that a lot of people, you know. You're a certain kind of person if you like Bad Company, and I don't hate you. I don't hate you for that, but I just think of, like, you know. You have a Harley Davidson that you ride once every three years.
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I Would Rather Not!
You know what I'm saying? Like, I don't know. That's just, you know.
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I Would Rather Not!
They had their moment, I guess. I wasn't alive for it, so I don't know. It's not my thing. And I know I'm going to get a lot of people that say, you know, bad company's my favorite. Okay, bad company's your favorite. Okay, don't be mad at me. Go somewhere else. Stop it. Stop yelling at me. Cindy Lauper. Cindy Lauper.
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I Would Rather Not!
She did a lot for the MTV generation. She was one of the original video stars. Her voice, anything she touches turns to gold with that voice of hers.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yeah, it's so original. Listen, I say all of them, except for Joy Division New Order.
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I Would Rather Not!
But if you have to take one out, I would say Joy Division New Order might have to wait until another nominating class. Manya, I'm sorry, don't know who they are, but... Okay, sure. I'm going to say Manya because I don't want to be insensitive. Manya! DEI stands strong here in the commercial break. Manya, they're in. Yeah, this is a tough one. Mariah Carey, Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Mariah Carey.
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I Would Rather Not!
They do need categories. And I understand that over the last three decades, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame has really come to include all musicians in general. If you are a pop sensation in any way, shape, or form, if you have any clout as far as music is concerned, you could get a nomination for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
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I Would Rather Not!
And I ain't mad at that because without that, then we don't have OutKast. You know, some people might say OutKast is not rock and roll. Well, it's not, but they have a rock and roll vibe. They certainly are a lot more edgy than most, right? So I would include OutKast in that. Soundgarden is also in there too. But Soundgarden is young. They're new to the nominations.
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So I think this is like their second or maybe their third nomination.
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I Would Rather Not!
They can live a few more nominations. They'll get in there. Don't worry, kids. Don't be mad at me. They'll be in there. Just give it a couple more years.
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I Would Rather Not!
They've been transformative to music in general. Let me explain why. Grateful Dead did this to great effect. Grateful Dead is, in my opinion, is the most Americana band that has ever been. Not because they're my favorite band, although I do like the Grateful Dead. But because they did it all without big corporate dollars behind them.
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I Would Rather Not!
They were one of the biggest bands in the world and still to this day are one of the biggest bands in the world. Yes. And you may have never even heard a Grateful Dead song because there's only one that I can think of. Maybe two. Casey Jones and... What's the other one? Touch of Gray. We'll get by. Touch of Gray. Yeah, Touch of Gray and Casey Jones.
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I Would Rather Not!
Maybe those two you have heard because they were... Because they had some commercials. Yeah, they had radio hits, right? They were radio hits in general and an MTV hit with Touch of Gray. But... The rest of their music, largely their catalog, is shite. It's the live music that everybody wanted to see. They wanted to go experience. That's right.
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I Would Rather Not!
They built a traveling cult of human beings who did drugs, got naked, and found a way to survive for summers at a time, springs at a time, winters at a time. just on the kindness of strangers, and then they saw some good music at the time. If you listen to the Grateful Dead early on, it's really quite crap, actually, in my opinion, musically. They're figuring it out.
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I Would Rather Not!
But that's part of the beauty of the Grateful Dead, is they figured it out in front of audiences. Uh-huh. Show after show, time after time, night after night, 300 nights a year. They never went home. They never slept. They just got high and made music until they figured out how it sounded good. And that sometimes would take 400, 500 shows to make a single song sound okay.
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I Would Rather Not!
They did that to great effect with great commercial success. Excuse me, with great success without the commercialization. Now there's Grateful Dead on everything. There's a fucking, you know.
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I Would Rather Not!
But that's not always necessarily the Grateful Dead's machine doing that. That's people who enjoy the Grateful Dead. Fish picked up directly where they left off. And, you know, Fish has had a little bit more commercial success, but not much. But they are still around 35 years later.
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I Would Rather Not!
Yes. They've been through their ups and their downs. Trey had to take four years off because he was addicted to heroin. Listen, they have done amazing things. And there is not a fish show that does not sell out. There is not a fish show that does not sell out. And they have done it so well.
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I Would Rather Not!
And in the lineage of the Grateful Dead, that when the Grateful Dead decided after Jerry died that they would get together for a couple more shows, you know who they picked? They picked Trey from Fish to stand up and be Jerry or in place of Jerry and stand in his stead. And those were hugely commercially successful shows. So you may have never heard of Fish Show except for Sample in a Jar.
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TCB Infomercial: Aaron Weber
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Holdley. Best to you, Kristen.
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TCB Infomercial: Aaron Weber
He's like, these guys are so big in Tampa. It's going to be the next big thing. You're never going to believe it. These guys are awesome. It's the best rock and roll I've ever heard in my entire life. And he puts on Bow With a Bow. He puts on Kid Rock.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
And welcome back to WSHIT on a beautiful Wednesday morning. 602 on the in-studio clock, currently 56 degrees. SHIT's Mark Mellenhopper says it's going to be pleasant, partly cloudy, with a few stray tornadoes later on this afternoon. Now, if you hear a few stray voices in the studio this morning, that's because it's Take Your Daughter to Work Day here at WSHIT.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Coming up with those ideas took a long time, actually. But now when you ask ChatGPT what the commercial break is all about, you will get an answer that is very flattering to us, but also is pretty far off the nose from what we actually do. It's like the commercial break is known for their parody commercials inside of the actual commercial break.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
We have fooled AI completely. Some AI don't even know our names. I like it. Yeah, it's like Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford host the commercial breaks. The commercial breaks.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
If you're going to have four guests on a panel, at least get their bio right. At least get their bio right. Me and the guy next to me just sat there. And it was all we could do to just, like, get through it. Number one. Number two, there were barely anybody in the audience anyway. So it was like, ah, who fucking cares? No one's listening to this. All right. We'll talk more about AI.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Chrissy and I's trip to see Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers and my interesting weekend and my brother's engagement party. Oh, yes. Take a break. Be back.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Okay, here we are back in the studio again, Chrissy and I. Back to the way it was, Chrissy.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Ash to ashes, dust to dust. All the people around us keep leaving. What are we going to do? What do we do? It's just like, you know. I think I've learned that the commercial break is just really, it's about friendship, Chrissy. It is, yes it is. It's about friendship. And all our friends keep leaving. What are we doing wrong? I don't know, whatever.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Now, I do want to address this because people have been emailing and texting and calling and they've noticed that Christina is not in the liners anymore and that Tina has been here helping us with the cameras. So let me pull down the curtain just a little bit. I'm going to share a little bit of information. I'll address this once and then we will move on with life, all of us together.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
So, Christina has moved on to greener pastures. You are right. She is not here at the show anymore. There is no big nefarious drama. There is no secret. Christina is not sick that I'm aware of. She is not hurting. Nothing has happened to her. She has moved on to greener pastures. As people do sometimes, we have options.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
all the love in the world for Christina and we know that she's going to do wonderful things in this business and we wish her nothing but the best and we'll always be here for she'll always be part of the TCB family and always be part of TCB's history she was here for a couple of years she has her own show called All the Rom-Coms We've Loved Before. You can go and check that podcast out.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It's been around for a long time, like longer than our show, right? Am I right about that? It's been around for a long time. I think they put out an episode, try to put out an episode every week. They talk about rom-coms. That's what they do, her and her friend. And that show is also very funny. So if you want to keep up with Christina, you can go listen to that show. I encourage you to do so.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It's available on all the podcast platforms that you listen to our show on. And yeah, Yeah, that's what I'll say about that. Keen-eared listeners have been paying attention. And yeah, so now we have Rachel is the voice of God or the person who does our liners. Good friend for a long time, but a big fan of the show.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Funny, fun fact, Rachel was our first ever guest. She was. On the show. You can go back and listen to that gas station girl. That's an episode. You can go listen to that.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
The podcast has a strong, engaged fan base that regularly interacts on social media and podcast platforms. Bullshit. Bullshit. If you look at our social media, that's not what you would say. I love you guys, but that's not our sweet spot, you and I together. I'm talking to you, listener. You and I, we have a special kind of relationship. It's like we have a secret romance going on.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
I think it's episode number like 13 or something. You can go listen to that if you want to hear a whole episode of Rachel. Very famous voiceover artist. We are blessed to have her. Across the world. Across the world. Yeah. You'll hear her in Walmart, in Publix, in Kroger if you have a Kroger, on SiriusXM, on your local television stations.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
90% of you are within earshot of a radio station she is the voice of God for. So she is very famous at what she does, and she happens to be a good friend of us and of the show. So she has agreed to do the liners under distress. But, you know, hey, listen, we had to convince her somehow to do it. And so I said, I will release the pictures. that I have in my phone from us 10 years ago.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
If you don't do our liners, and she immediately had liners to us, that's the way we wrote. Maybe that's why we don't have any friends here at the commercial break. I do everything by blackmailing people. So she is the voice of God. And of course, you've heard Tina here in the studio.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
She is helping to produce the show because, you know, Brian set the studio up so that everything I need is 10 feet away.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yes, that's right. And Tina, also a good friend of the show, been here for a long time. Those of you who listen know that Tina has been on many times here on the show. She's filled in for Chrissy when Chrissy had to take some time off. So we thank Tina for being here. And again, all the rom-coms you loved before, if you want to keep up with Christina, please go over there and listen to her show.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
I'm sure she would appreciate it. And it's funny. So go listen to it. Okay, that's that. So yes, Chrissy. You told me I should get chat GPT, and that's exactly what I did. I had a different AI program on my phone that I don't use very often, but on occasion I'll go there. And I mainly ask about the commercial break because I don't know anything else to ask it.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Like, you know, I'm not looking to solve some complicated problem. I'm not looking to dig in any worldly events. It doesn't need to, you know, I'm not a biochemist. I don't need it to... solve complicated cancer questions. You know, it's just a tool. It's a thing. It's fun for me. I'm an old man. What do I need to ask GPT about?
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
But I decided, why don't I ask GPT about my favorite subject, the only subject I know about, the Commercial Break podcast. Would you like to hear what it has to say? What should we ask Chad GPT about the Commercial Break, do you think?
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Is the commercial break podcast funny? Question mark. It's thinking. It says yes. Oh! First word, yes. The Commercial Break podcast is known for being funny. Okay. It's known for being funny. No, it's not. Okay, but we'll take it for its word. Hosted by Brian Green and Chrissy Hilde. Got it right.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It's an unscripted, more than you know, comedy podcast featuring absurd stories, pop culture commentary, and hilarious takes on random topics. Their chemistry... And off-the-cuff humor makes it appealing to listeners who enjoy lighthearted and often outrageous conversations. Outrageous. We are outrageous, Chrissy. Two old people sitting here and musing about the days gone by. So outrageous.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
If you like spontaneous, slightly irreverent humor with a mix of pop culture and personal anecdotes, you'll probably find it entertaining. Would you like recommendations for episodes to listen to? Oh. Wow. Yes. Please recommend some episodes from the Commercial Break podcast. Let's see. I'm interested to see what it comes up with. It's reasoning. It's currently reasoning. It's thinking.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It's thinking. Confirming podcast details. Ha. Wow. Okay, it's keeping us informed of what it's doing. Providing episode recommendations. Here it comes. Uh-oh. I bet it recommends episodes from a different podcast. Thousand bucks. Clarifying episode details. Wow, it's really out there. I don't have any detailed episodes that are must-listen for that commercial.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
We don't let anybody know on social media that we're dating. Yes.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yes. Um... Is the commercial break podcast a popular podcast? Question mark. Because I want to know that answer myself. I'm still trying to decide whether or not we're popular. Evaluating popularity. Assessing popularity. The commercial. It's being so politically correct. The commercial break podcast has developed a loyal following within its niche.
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While it may not be as widely recognized as some mainstream or interview podcast, it's appreciated by listeners. who enjoy its off-the-cuff sense of humor and unique take on pop culture. Here's a few bullet points on the commercial break's popularity. Dedicated audience. The podcast has a strong, engaged fan base that regularly interacts on social media and podcast platforms. Bullshit. Bullshit.
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If you look at our social media, that's not what you would say. I love you guys, but that's not our sweet spot, you and I together. I'm talking to you, listener. You and I, we have a special kind of relationship. It's like we have a secret romance going on where we don't let anybody know on social media that we're dating. Yes. Positive reviews.
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And pop culture resonates with fans looking for something a bit different. Word of mouth. Like many cult favorites, this popularity tends to spread through their recommendations rather than mainstream media coverage. Well, you got that right. There is no mainstream media coverage of the commercial break.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Odley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Yes. Let's ask it this. Can you find any mentions of the commercial break podcast in the media? Question mark. I wonder. And if it comes up with something that we don't know about, I'm going to be surprised.
The Commercial Break
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Yeah. It's reasoning, considering media mentions, considering them. This is weird how it keeps on. It's letting me know what it's doing. I don't have any real time browsing capabilities, but check out the podcast platforms to see what the commercial break is up to. Okay. What is the commercial break comedy podcast about? Question mark.
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I'm now letting it know that we're a comedy podcast, so it doesn't mix us up with the other one about commercial advertising. The Commercial Break is an unscripted, keeps on saying that, humorous podcast that takes a look at advertising. It takes a look at advertising. Okay, well, listen, ChatGPT doesn't quite have us down yet. Let's see here.
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Can you tell me more about the hosts of the Commercial Break podcast? Question mark. Let's see if it even recognizes which version of the commercial. Because there is another commercial break out there. But that commercial break is called Commercial Break. It hasn't had a new episode in years. And I also don't think that was about commercial advertising either. Oh, okay. Here we go.
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The hosts of the commercial break are Brian Green and Chrissy Hoadley. They are celebrated for their natural chemistry and off-the-cuff humor. What? While detailed biographical information is hard to come by, here's what is generally known about them and how they shape the show. Oh, okay. Tell me more. Brian Green, background and expertise.
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Brian brings a perspective that is informed by a strong understanding of the advertising world. His insights on how to commercials are conceived and produce provide a behind the scenes. Wow. Congratulations. Let's talk about Chrissy. Background and perspective. Chrissy is recognized for her energetic and spontaneous approach.
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Thanks for joining us. Just reading that Tom Brady showed up to the Super Bowl with a $780,000 watch slung around his wrist. Ah, to be king. It must be nice to be king. Isn't he also now the co-owner of one of the NFL teams, I think he is? Wow. It must be nice. It must be nice to live a day in somebody's shoes where you don't have to worry about negative account balances. Yes.
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She often injects the conversation with personal stories and a keen sense for the absurdities of modern media advertising. With a style that's both relatable and irreverent, Chrissy's commentary bridges the gap between industry insight and everyday pop culture. Her ability to riff on topics about advertising and bring a playful twist. It's a key ingredient to the show's appeal.
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Do any celebrities listen to the Commercial Break podcast? Question mark. I think this is so off base, it's not even funny. The other day it was giving me great answers, and now it's giving me terrible answers. I texted you a few.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yeah. I haven't come across any celebrities that have publicized that they listen. There's no readily available information letting you know. Okay, let me ask this. My friend Jeff has a podcast called Classic Conversations. And Classic Conversations is a good show, but I think that just a few less people listen to it. So let's see if a unique name gets it more accurately.
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Can you tell me about the podcast Classic Conversations? Question mark. Reasoning. Checking podcast info. searching for public details clarifying details i couldn't find a definite okay all right doesn't it doesn't make me feel that bad that you know yeah it just doesn't get podcasting right let's see this is the commercial break podcast better than smart list question mark
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It's going to tell me that it doesn't want to compare the two. It's going to say, well, I can't compare the two. Determining whether or not the commercial break is better than SmartList ultimately comes down to personal taste.
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Okay. Which podcast is more popular? Question mark. I just want to know, like definitively. ChatGPT will give me the answer. She'll talk straight to me, Chrissy. She's not going to bullshit me. Popularity can be measured in several ways. Audience size, media coverage, and social media buzz. SmartList has mainstream recognition and gained widespread attention. Media coverage.
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The podcast has been featured in major media news outlets. Audience reach with a diverse range of guests and format that appeal to both casual listeners and celebrity enthusiasts. Smartless attends to attract a large audience. The commercial break has niche appeal. While it has a loyal and dedicated fan base, the commercial break caters to a more specific audience. That's true.
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Less mainstream exposure. It's content and focus on industry-specific humor. Community engagement. The podcast is well-loved within its niche, but its overall audience size is generally smaller than the Smart List. That's one way to put it. Overall comparison.
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In terms of mainstream popularity, Smart List appears to be more popular due to its celebrity draw and larger media presence than the broader audience. And the commercial break, on the other hand, shines in a very specific niche with dedicated listenership.
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Thank you, dedicated listeners. We really appreciate it. What are you sighing about? I'm just bummed out that Chad GPT doesn't... You know, we don't have a Wikipedia page yet, and that kind of bums me out. I wish somebody would start a Wikipedia page for us, you know, just so we could feel like we've done something with our lives. Like, if it's not on Wikipedia, then what is it?
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And if ChapGPT doesn't even understand what the commercial break is about, I bet if I ask it any question about any episode of SmartList—no, knock on SmartList, I like SmartList— But I bet if I ask it a question about any specific episode of SmartList, it would get it right for sure. Well, that's a good thing to ask. Hold on one second. Let me ask this then. Let me ask it.
The Commercial Break
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Let's see how in tune it is with the actual podcast universe. Can you summarize the last episode of the Commercial Break podcast? Question mark. Let's see if it can get it right. If it does, then we know that it's at least... Listening? At least listening. That's right. At least someone is out there listening. His name is Chat.
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On February 10th of 2025, The Commercial Break put out an episode called The Great Ramblin' Raft Race. Okay. All right. It's listening. Yes. Discusses water rays and touches upon the drama surrounding It Ends With Us. For more detailed information, please go listen to their official website. All right. It's listening. When I asked it about you the other night, it says Chrissy Holey...
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Taking all the food out of your mouth. You know, all the stuff that we all worry about. Here down on the floor. Yeah, down near the smoke. You know, they say stop, drop, and roll. Yeah. I feel like that's most of us. Stop, drop, and roll. That's what we do. Stop paying your bills. Drop anything that matters to you. Play it box. Yes, and roll right into bankruptcy. That's what it is.
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is the co-host of the Commercial Break podcast, and she plays a key role in the show's dynamic and success. Known for her quick wit, humor, and candid personality, Chrissy is the perfect complement to Brian's style, making their chemistry one of the highlights of the podcast.
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She brings relatable, fun energy to the conversation, often balancing Brian's banter with her own unique insights and comical commentary. Before becoming a podcast host, Chrissy worked in media and entertainment industries, and her experience in this field shines through in her ability to gauge with various topics from pop culture to current events.
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She often brings a fresh perspective to the discussion, whether she's chiming in on trending topics, sharing her personal experiences, or just having a laugh with Brian. Chrissy's down to earth, unfiltered, and she's a favorite among the podcast listeners.
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Right? That's very favorable. That is a very favorable review of you.
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Well, I think it's kind of accurate if I'm sitting in this chair. That's how I see you, right? That's sweet. It is very sweet. Thank you, chat. You're very sweet. And here's what it said about me. Brian Greene is one of the hosts of the Commercial Break podcast. He is known for his charismatic and comedic personality, which plays a big role in the show's success.
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As a co-host alongside Chrissy, Brian brings a mix of humor, sharp wit, and a laid-back style to the podcast.
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You look laid back. I look laid back. His ability to engage in spontaneous, often humorous conversations about a wide range of topics is a key element to the show's appeal. Before the commercial break, Brian worked in various areas of entertainment industry, which likely contributed to his knack for storytelling and commentary.
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His background in comedy and media is evident in the way he hosts the show, often using clever humor to bring out the best in his co-hosts and his guests. In addition to being a podcast host, Brian is involved in other creative ventures and businesses. I am? I love it!
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He is also known for his podcasting expertise, with his ability to navigate the media world and handle the show's dynamic with ease. His personality makes listeners feel like they are eavesdropping on a fun conversation between friends, which is one of the reasons the podcast has gained such a loyal and niche following. Yes, I think it is. So... Here's my question.
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Why asking the exact same question to chat GPT gets such wildly different answers? Why do you think? I don't know.
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Well, hey, listen. It can't read – I don't think it reads the internet. Does it read the internet yet? I don't know if ChatGPT is at the point. You remember when ChatGPT first came out and it said anything that was anything on the internet before this date, it's not going to have access to, right? But I think it might be, like, more up-to-date now. Well, clearly, the –
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Search engines themselves are using AI to go out there and search. And AI and other AI tools that I have used have done an okay job of like summarizing some of our episodes. And like they do it in a kind of a humorous way. The one thing that I will share with you that I've shared with Astrid about the commercial break.
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is that I don't think it's ever going to be an AI podcast because AI has really not got a great sense of humor. So we use like an AI platform before we brought on our video editing staff, who are wonderful, by the way. Weplash, check them out. You need any information, you text me about our video editing services.
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I do get a little, I do get a little verklempt sometimes when I see somebody wearing a $740,000 watch. And I think to myself, I have negative $740 in my account right now. If I could just borrow that watch, take it to the pawn shop for a couple of days, I think I'd be okay. You know, hey, just give me a hundred grand, Tom. Here's my plea to you, Tom.
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The video editors who do our show is a company, and we have our own dedicated team on that company. But if you want any more information, just let me know. They're wonderful. But we used this AI service. I won't mention it before we hired Weeplash. We used this AI service to cut up clips using AI. And it got it so wrong every time. The beginning of the clip would be awesome.
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And then the end of the clip would be anything but funny. It would be like me rambling for four and a half minutes. And I was like, that's not a clip. That's just Brian killing airtime because he has four episodes to do this week.
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It's hard. It's hard to cut clips. You have to have a sense of humor, and you have to understand the sense of humor of the show. It doesn't do a good job doing that, obviously, because it thinks we're an advertising show. It thinks we're about advertising.
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We used to work in advertising, but that's not how we talk about it, first of all. Second of all, I guess you would be remiss probably to think we talk about advertising, given that the last episode of this show was talking nothing but advertising the entire episode. But I think every podcast does that the day after the Super Bowl, right? Yes. They must.
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That's what you talk about the day after the Super Bowl, the commercials. But that's not what this show is about, in case you haven't gotten it. All right, let's do this. Let us take a short break. I'm going to get unwound from all the bad GPT information. And then when we get back, Chrissy and I will talk about our experience with Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers. We'll be back.
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All right, one word to describe your experience with Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers.
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Entertaining is a good word for it. I would have put interesting. It was funny. It was funny, and not in like a laugh out loud way, like where Bill was, you know, hamming it up out there on the stage, although he did do that at times.
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I will share with you that the Blood Brothers, I saw the advertisement for Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers pop up on my Instagram because I follow, I think, Variety Playhouse, which is a local playhouse here. It's exactly what it sounds like. It's a concert venue and playhouse. It's very famous. It's down in Little Five Points, which is like the hate Ashbury of our town.
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That's the best way to explain it. Little mom and pop stores, head shops, you know, used clothing stores. You know, every town has this little corner where all the alternative kids go and hang out. And while Little Five Points certainly has its fair share of yuppies, too, that go down there because it's just Little Five Points is a great place to go and hang out. They've got some great dive bars.
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Listen, I know I knocked your analyzing of the game a little bit, but what's a little criticism amongst friends? I'm trying to make you better. I'm trying to help. What I would really like is just an invite to that island you live on, whatever that place is. I think it was that, you know, I went down to the Brady Isle. That's right. I'd like to go down to Brady Isle for a couple of days.
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It is generally known as the counterculture section of our town. It has remained that way while the rest of the town has blown up with incredibly expensive properties. So we love Little Five Points.
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Always love Little Five Points. You lived down there for a while. I lived down there for a while, about a mile down the street in East Atlanta, which is also another kind of counterculture favorite here in Atlanta. For older people. So when you're in your teens and 20s, you hang out in little five points. When you get into your 30s, then you move over to East Atlanta. That's right.
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And then when you get into your 40s and 50s, you move to the Virginia Highlands. That's the way it works, okay? If you're single and you don't have children, that's how it happens. That's what you do in Atlanta. That's where you go. And if you're rich, you stay in Buckhead. Stay up there. Go to Buckhead. Nah. Nanny nanny boo boo. All right.
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So we see this advertisement pop up, and it's like two days before Christmas. And I decide, Blood Brothers is right. My entire family loves Bill Murray. My dad has kind of like put us in front of the TV to watch Bill Murray when we were kids. And I remember my dad laughing out loud at a lot of Bill Murray stuff.
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He is. And I think of Bill Murray when I think of Chicago. I think of Chicago Cubs. He's often there at the games, you know, sometimes singing. Yeah. The seventh inning stretch. Bill is an interesting character who doesn't have a phone number. who doesn't, oh, he has an email address, but it's Yahoo, so we already talked about that one. He's a guy who's like hard to get a hold of.
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He's a very interesting human being. He shows up at random weddings, at bars. I've had friends that have met him in like random places. He will literally crash weddings. He like lives in Charleston, has some property there, and he will crash weddings in Charleston. He'll show up and be the guest of honor. I mean, he's just that guy. He loves a good party. He loves a good time. He goes out there.
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He experiences the world. You know, with every artist comes drama, and I don't want to get into that part necessarily, but when I see Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers, I think we have to go do this. We have to go see Bill Murray in person in a tiny little venue called the Variety Playhouse. It fits about a thousand people. This is going to be fun regardless.
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There's one of two things that are going to happen musically. It's going to be a total shit show, or we're going to be blown away at the musical prowess of Bill Murray and his Blood Brothers. So my dad and my brothers and I were all going to go. Christmas present that I gave to everybody. But my dad, unfortunately, had something else to do. And so he told us well in advance that we couldn't go.
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And while I tried to sell the ticket, it didn't happen for this reason or that reason. And the day of, I'm sitting here with Chrissy and I'm like, you heard it on air.
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You actually gave me. Bill Murray merch one time for my birthday. You gave me a candle with Bill Murray on it. You also gave me a magnet that still sits on my refrigerator today from Stripes. Bill Murray Stripes magnet. Okay, so you get it. We're Bill Murray fans.
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So we all meet down there at the Variety Playhouse a couple of nights ago, and we go into the venue, and there is an opening band to which we don't see a lot of. What's that name? Tisha Mingo?
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I know. I was familiar with the name. Mm-hmm. Because they, like, traveled around playing the Brandy House here many, many years ago.
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If you could loan me $100,000 that before you die, I promise I will do my best to pay back. And could I borrow the watch for a few days? I'll bring it back just how I found it. But probably it will be like something I bought off a Somali pirate in Barcelona. Listen, Tom, we're buds. We know each other. Well, I invite you to come on the commercial break. Let me tell you about this.
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Yeah, they were playing acoustically up there. Whatever, like, no one, it didn't seem, the crowd didn't seem too excited about that. And I wondered why, because I thought, well, we're going into a Bill Murray concert. I expected the crowd to be really charged up and hip. Even though it was sold out, it wasn't very crowded. It was like we stood in the balcony and we had no problem finding space.
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And sometimes at the Variety Playhouse, that place gets packed. Like, human to human, you can't move. So either they purposefully didn't sell more tickets because that's the way that the band preferred it, or... A lot of people didn't show up. A lot of people bought tickets, but they just didn't show up. I would say if it holds a thousand people, there were probably 700 in the facility.
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That's my guess. But right in front of the stage is just open. There are no seats run in front of the stage. There's a good, you know, 40 by 100 foot square where you just there's nothing. People just stand there and it certainly is filled in there. So 15, 20 minutes go by after Tisha Mingo comes out. We're sitting there getting drinks, talking, laughing.
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And all of a sudden, Kid Rock shows up out of nowhere. And when I say Kid Rock, I mean you would have been... excused if you thought for one second that this guy wasn't Kid Rock. He was a doppelganger. And when I say a doppelganger, I'm talking down to the gold chains, the silly hat, and the damn glaringly white high tops. He was everything Kid Rock. Long, stringy hair and all.
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Redneck voice the whole nine yards. He came out and he's like, Y'all ready for Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers? I'll be right back! And we were like, oh, okay, cool. And the crowd did nothing. The crowd was like, woo.
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Well, as I start to look around, you know, Chrissy and I are talking as I start to look around, I realize the average age of the attendee here at the Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers event is 67 years old. Everybody's sitting around us. We're standing in the back in this empty space.
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There's seats, but there's like 10 rows of seats in the balcony and then just this big empty space where people can stand. Where they have tables, high tables. Yeah, bar tables. Mm-hmm. As I look into the crowd of those people that are sitting there, I realize they're not getting up because they can't. They don't have their walkers with them. It is unbelievable how old the crowd is.
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Yeah, or the what I call the Atlanta uniform, which is some kind of white shorts with a polo shirt, like a bright colored polo golf shirt tucked in and a big old brown belt with, you know, penny loafers on that is the Atlanta out uniform. And there are many older gentlemen wearing the Atlanta uniform, the Buckhead uniform. So now I realize, I get it.
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I'm putting my finger on the pulse of the crowd. The finger of the pulse of the crowd were guys my dad's age who wanted one last hurrah. Do you know what I'm saying? Let's call that drug dealer we haven't used in three or four months. Let's get away from the children that probably have already left the house because they're at college or whatever. Let's get some blow.
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Let's get a couple beers and let's go laugh at Bill Murray. Let's go have a good time with Bill Murray.
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That is the vibe of the crowd. Now, I'm not saying everybody at the crowd was like that because we brought the average age down probably by about 10 years. And that's saying something. When we walk into a room and bring the average age down by 10 years, you know it's an older crowd.
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But after like 10 or 15 minutes, after this guy says, we'll be back in just a few minutes, all of a sudden, the band starts walking out. And the band, the Blood Brothers, is a typical blues review band. That's what they are.
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There was double everything. Double guitars, double bass, double drummer, double keyboards, double harmonica. One saxophone. They should have had double saxophone because that guy was good.
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And they start playing a number of bluesy rock and roll tunes. I would say like Chicago blues is probably the best way to describe the kind of blues that they were playing. Just like a rock and roll-y type blues.
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I would say that anywhere else in America, this was a $10 cover band. Do you know what I'm saying? Like you would walk in, pay $10. This band happens to be playing at a bar that you like to go to. This would have been like a Northside Tavern band.
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This would have been a band you would have seen at a medium-sized bar. They would have been there on a Friday night. Really talented. Very good at what they do. But the music caters to a certain crowd. And that crowd is drunk and high on cocaine. That's what the music caters to. This is not, you're not seeing Chappelle Roan here, you know? Yeah. Okay. All right.
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I just want to, I don't want to knock the band, but I also want to be accurate about my description here. But some of the tunes are okay. They certainly know how to play their instruments. And one drummer is playing rather well. He's got one drummer and he's going, but there's another drum set.
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And in between the drum set, there's a set of congos, like the big, you know, the big bongos, excuse me, the big bongo drums. Yes. So after the first song is played, I'm like, where's Bill Murray? We're all thinking.
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Let me stop talking about Tom here because I'd like to talk about something. that I heard in the podcast news. There is a rather well-known podcaster, not going to name her because I'm not here to talk shit about other creators, and I'm not here to step on other creators' game, however that game may be played. But there are a number of ways you can make money in this industry.
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Because he's fat. Yeah. Bill got fat. The keyboard player is huge. Now he's wearing glasses and he's got a bald spot. And we're going through the members of the band, all of which are of a certain age, except for one of them. And it's like, is that him? Is that him? Is that him? But none of them are him. And we're like, where is Bill Murray?
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When the second song starts, now Bill and the second drummer come out, and Bill starts doing the bongos, like, one hand at a time. When I say rhythmless, he's kind of getting it right, but it's clear there's probably no microphone to those bongos. He's hitting it like...
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He's hitting it very slowly, and he keeps looking back at one of the drummers, I think in hopes that the drummer would give him some kind of cue, like, yeah, you're doing good, or yeah, get on this beat, or do that, and the drummer keeps pointing to him, and he's picking up different percussion instruments, like the washboard, or the cowbell, or whatever, tambourines.
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The cheese grater type thing. Well, you know, if you had had it on your chest, it would be called a washboard. But I don't know. And you can barely hear it. It's there, but you can barely hear it. When he plays the tambourine, you can hear it. But the room's small enough that you could hear the tambourine anyway, even if there was no microphone. There was no amplification to it.
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Basically, you quickly realize the following. Somewhere at some point in Chicago, Charleston, New Orleans, wherever these Blood Brothers come from, wherever they were, Bill took a liking to them. He saw them and he loved the band. He was drunk. I don't know. I don't know if Bill drinks or does drugs. He was in some state of musical euphoria about the Blood Brothers.
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And afterwards, he approached and said, you guys are great. I love you guys. To which they say, fantastic. You are one of the three people in the crowd tonight. And Bill says, I can change your fortunes. So here's the deal. Why don't we go on tour? You can put my name on the bill. I'll take the private plane. You take the U-Haul truck. I'll stay at the Ritz Carlton.
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Could not be prouder to have our little bundle of joy, Bobby Joe Alexis, here today with us. Just a proud mama here, teaching Bobby Joe Alexis the ins and outs of local broadcast news. Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you, bitch. Sounds like someone's going to have to put a quarter in the swear jar.
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I'll see you at the Red Roof Inn. You guys load in. I'll show up five minutes before the show starts. You guys keep most of the money. I've got that movie cash. I've got that Yahoo cash from commercials. Don't worry about it. He made a deal with them. to say, I will help you sell tickets.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
He looks like he has a great time. Listen, the guy's 74 years old. First of all, he dresses smartly for a 74-year-old. He doesn't try and dress like he's 22. He doesn't try and dress like, you know, most 72 year olds, which they have a uniform, too, you know, like dress pants, you know, socks and shoes and some kind of, you know, stuffy shirt. He had like some weird colored shirt on.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Some flared pants, linen flared pants that looked really good. Like he looked good. The guy looked good for 74 years old. And he did sing three or four songs, including the very famous cover of Like a Rolling Stone that now everybody has seen on the Internet from some other appearance they made.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
And he sang it the exact same way, which is more like it's like Bill Murray doing Bill Shatner singing a song. Do you know what I'm saying? That's the vibe that I got.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
but it wasn't the worst thing i had ever heard in my life no it was fun and i think i was having a fun time with you and the brothers that's what it was it was a good time with the brothers chrissy and i were dancing we were making fun of everybody else dancing we were having fun with bill bill was pointing and doing shenanigans when he was when he was not singing he was not trying to be the center of attention when he was singing he was the center of attention
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
You could sell subscriptions like Chrissy and I once did. I think we got to a total subscriber count of three. Yeah. Two of which were my family members. So I think we got three subscribers. We quickly threw that idea out the window because we didn't want to make more content that wasn't going to be consumed. Why do that?
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
So he knew his place in the band, too. So you got to give him respect for that. He knew that these guys were the guys that are talented. I'm just here to sell the tickets. And if I'm the band, that's a deal I'm taking every day of the week. Of course. Because most blues bands are not going to see... 5,000-seat venues sold out night after night after night.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It's just not a form of music that's extraordinarily popular right now. So these guys have a real leg up on a lot of other blues musicians in that Bill is willing to put his name on the bill and probably gives all the money.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Oh, he's going to sell tickets. He sold out both nights here in Atlanta. I will say this. The crowd was kind of a dud. You went into the bathroom and you heard somebody talking about their cataracts.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Usually it's cocaine, not cataracts we're talking about in the bathroom of a concert. But, you know, so the crowd was a bit of a dud. It wasn't the most hyped crowd.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
I spent a couple minutes down on the floor. I just didn't hear the crowd really, like, you know, getting that much. Like, you know, sometimes you can tell when a crowd has a lot of energy. That wasn't in the room. But it was also a Thursday night, you know, in Atlanta. Maybe it was just the night. Maybe it was the vibe. Maybe it was the age. I don't know. But I will say...
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
There were a few guys in front of us that clearly had gotten a hold of something. You know, those reels where it's like when the Molly kicks in or when the LSD kicks in, you could tell because they stood up out of their seats and all of a sudden they were staring at the wall. There was one guy who was like staring at the ceiling and standing up and you knew the Molly just hit.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
That's what you knew. You can see it. And he was probably 62 years old. And there were other guys that were dancing. I mean, it was just like... It was entertaining. The crowd was entertaining.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
If you need entertainment, I would encourage you to do the following. Go to the local bar that's been around for a long time, where the average age is into their 60s. Because those are human beings, too. And they've lived a lot of life. And they're just trying to shake a couple more good nights out of their bodies. And they...
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
are hilarious they need your attention they need your entertainment they're not dead yet the boomers aren't dead yet and they're letting us know from the villages to the bill murray to the blood brothers show they're letting us know they're here they're queer and they aren't going anywhere nowhere whatsoever
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Plus, it was the first time you and I had been out without kids or Astrid in 10 years.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Astrid couldn't go because she was watching the kids, by the way. That sounded kind of weird. Astrid, I love you. First time we had been out, you and I, on an adventure in a decade.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yeah, they're great. Most of them are great, aren't they?
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yeah, no, we had a good time. Blood Brothers saw the Blood Brothers.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Actually, it's bloodbrothers.com. Bill Murray, because that's what you expect. But if he comes to your town, it's a relatively cheap ticket if you're not buying it on the secondary market, and it's two hours of entertainment.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It wasn't very long. It was an hour and a half, two hours. They knew. They knew the crowd out there couldn't handle much. Right. Yeah. The encore was happy birthday, by the way. Which was the funniest part to me. I was like, okay, let's go. Roll them up. Roll them up. All right. Thank you to Ari Shaffer for coming in this week.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Oh, yeah, that's true. We were just doing one show a week. And then we were trying to put together a second show and struggling mightily to put that second show together. If four days a week is an indication of just how terrible we are at this show. We don't do this because we want to. We do it because we need it to sell to advertisers. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Kind of. So, yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
We would appreciate it if you'd go check out his new special, America's Sweetheart. What an interesting and engaging conversation we had with Ari.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Couldn't have been a nicer guy. Honestly, could not have been a nicer guy. And he changed my perspective a little bit.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
You Be Trippin' is much better than this podcast, so go check it out. I'll put a link in the show notes for you. AriShafir.com for tickets and access to his new special, which is available on Netflix if you're a subscriber for free. Go watch it. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, we take them all right there. Text us. We'll respond to you.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
We'd love to hear from you. Or leave us a voicemail, and you could be the next voice on the commercial break. Leave us a short voicemail. Don't get into it. A minute or two. Max. Max. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok, TCB podcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there on the website and your free sticker and youtube.com slash the commercial break.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
For all the videos the same day they air here on the audio. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. If you got a softie in your brain, you're gonna have a softie in your pants. You know what I'm saying?
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
So there's a subscription base. You can do that. There is the advertising model, which we subscribe to because it doesn't require you, the listener, to take any additional action except for listen to the sponsors. And quite frankly, for now, I think that's the best way to do it because it's not a heavy lift. It's not a heavy lift for the listeners. It's not a heavy lift for us.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
We just, you know, read some advertisements on occasion, companies that we would do business with or do do business with. Then there is the model where you can have a business that you sell to the audience, like a course or a manual or merch or whatever. We call that pitching your audience. You can pitch your audience for whatever it is you want to sell to them and then make a cut off that.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
That certainly is another business model. Then there's the business model where you have adjunct content that then you sell to streamers, like some – Murder mystery podcasts, true crime podcasts, they will sell their ideas to Netflix and to the streamers.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yeah, and we're in one of those. We have what's called a 360 contract with our talent agency, which means that any adjunct stuff that would happen, they would be responsible for pitching and getting a cut of or whatever. But what adjunct material is going to be made from the commercial break? No. A series on Brian's 15 minutes with Chopper Johnson? I don't think anybody's buying that.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Though it would be a good series, and I should write it. I should write a series based on my time with Chopper Johnson. Actually, that might be funny. Huh, I got an idea now. Anyway, so those are the ways that you can make money, and there's probably other ways that I'm not thinking about.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
But one of the ways that I had never thought about, but I had heard sometimes happens, is selling space on your show in the form of guesting. So charging a guest to come on and be in front of your audience. Now, where does this make sense? You're probably saying to yourself, why would, you know, I don't know, Ari Shaffir pay the commercial break to come on? Well, he doesn't, clearly.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
You know, I mean, quite frankly, it would be the other way around if it was anything. We would have to pay Ari to come on our show. But to make it clear, we do not pay for guests. They do not pay us. Because if they did or if we did, I would have to tell you that because that is what the FCC requires.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
If this is a commercial, if time has been paid for and you are actively pitching something, anything out there, the FCC requires now, it always has, but now it's coming down hard on creators. It requires that you indicate that that is what is going on inside of the episode. Yes. So that is why when you hear me read a commercial, I don't have to do this, but I do.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yeah, thank you. I need the check before we air this, but I'll let you know that. 10 fucking buckaroos.
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TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
CEOs of companies, senior vice presidents of companies, marketing various products or services, I'm sure, to people like B2B businesses and stuff like that, I think is where that would probably make the most sense. I don't think you go on and sell like, you know, air mattresses.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
on any podcast, right? You would do that inside of commercial time because you're not going to just accept the guy from Purple coming on here and talking for an hour about his mattresses. You're probably going to tune that out real quick. So it probably makes sense to sit down. And I also don't want to, like, again, I don't want to bust on any other creator's
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
you know, modes of making cash because it's really hard to make money in this business. And so if that's the way that you do it, fine. But I think the big rub is, I think what the podcast periodical that I was reading is trying to point out is there's no indication that that's what's going on inside of the show. No one's saying that out loud.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
And so in fact, it's one long commercial, but no one tells you that it's one long commercial.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yes. Now I went and listened to an episode and it's clear there are, I think there are a lot of guests on this show and I'm not a hundred percent sure every single one of them paid to be on because some of the guests, I don't think they would have to pay to be on. And I don't think that that's the game.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
And I, again, I'm not going to get into specifics, but some of them, it's clear that they are pitching a service and that the host is going along with the most rosy eyed version of
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
They're essentially blowing smoke up the ass of the guest, which we also do. But again, we don't pay anybody to do that. We're just nice people. We just like to be nice. I don't like confrontation, okay? Except unless it's you, the listener, and I'm just yelling in the microphone. That's the kind of confrontation I like, the one where you can't talk back to me.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
But this just got me thinking, wow, $10,000 an episode. Imagine if we made $10,000 an episode for a guest to come in here. I mean, we do like 6,000 episodes a year. Carry the one forward to zero times six. We would be making $600 a year. That's how it would work. Yeah. $10,000 an episode. That's a lot. It is a lot. It is a lot of money.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
As I was saying, for protests at Tina Tannin Tweez, as more people have presented symptoms from a listeria outbreak due to a shrimp dip served inside of the waxing room over there at Tina Tannin Tweez. Unfortunate incident all around. We had an opportunity to talk to Tina. And she said the green coloring on the shrimp was part of the recipe. Local health officials are investigating the incident.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
And you must be, they must have a really good audience that buys all kinds of shit.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
There's no indication anywhere inside of the episode that this is a bought and paid for episode. It's like those commercials you see after Good Morning America.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
What did I used to call that at Clear Channel? I made up a word. Oh, advertorial. An advertorial. An advertising editorial. It's like, it feels like it's organic. But wait, why is she so excited about that brand new egg beater at two o'clock in the afternoon? Oh, because it's a whole commercial for the egg beater.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
But it looks like your local newswoman who's just telling you about great products and services that you need to know about. But no, it's all paid for. It's bought and paid for by the people who are featured on that showcase. That's how it is. But now on television, you will clearly see at the bottom somewhere, even in tiny print, this content bought and paid for by whomever.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
You hear this on radio a lot on the weekends, like on talk radio. You'll hear a tax guy talking about tax implications today.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
you know giving you some content that's actually good for you like that makes sense like oh i could use that tip or i could use that trick or whatever but then they're telling you to call their office to make sure that they you know you implement that the right way by using their service okay got it but again there's always an indication that it's being that that time is bought and paid for that here there is no indication and it's you know i'd say it's ruffling some feathers
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
It is illegal. Yes, it is illegal. It is illegal by the FCC standards. Well, let's put it this way. It's against the FCC rules. You can be fined. Even when you're a podcaster and you're not using public airwaves to do this, you can still get fined if you're misleading people as to the nature of what's going on. So interesting to follow up on and just to let you know.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
The commercial break is now open for business when it comes to guesting. If you have a business and you would like to pay us to be on air, no shame in our game, especially if you have a private plane company, a travel company, a... What else do you need, Chrissy? What do you need? A private driver. Private driver company. What are you looking for, Tina? New socks on a daily basis. A sock company.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Yes. Very surprising turn of events. It doesn't surprise me that it's happening.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
it surprised me who it was. And then it surprised me that this has been going on without any counter indication that that was going on.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Would you be bothered if your favorite podcast then came on and announced that all the people we have had on have been paying us to be on?
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Okay. No, it's not that. It's not celebrity. It's not like we have comedians and celebrities and stuff like that. It is definitely almost all business-oriented, life-coaching-oriented, get-your-shit-together-oriented. It's one of these rah-rah, sis-boom-bah, wake up in the morning and start your day off right. Unlike the commercial break.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
No. You listen to us at the end of the day when your life is miserable and you know it. Do you know what I'm saying? That's when you listen to the commercial break. You're like, okay, I listened to what Mel, whatever Robbins in the morning and I'm listening to the commercial break. Now they realize that Mel is full of shit. My life's always going to suck. Brian will commiserate with me. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
Ryan will let me know what the skinny is. Yes, I will. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, kids. I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Life sometimes can be funny. And it's not always roses. I'm just sharing that with you. But just know that at least we're not paying anybody. At least no one's paying us to be on the show. When I say no one, I mean no one. No one is paying us to be on the show. Not yet.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
So far, five people have died. Dear God, Bobby Joe. Bobby Joe, I'm taking away your access to Disney+. I knew that Taylor Swift was no good. And now on with traffic. That's it, Bobby Joe. You are not getting any more Peppa Pig plates. Bobby Joe, Alexis McKenzie Smith. We're going to take a short break and then we'll be back to this episode of the commercial break. Fuck.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
But we're looking forward to that day. We're going to start a second show called The Commercial Breaks. And it's just going to be all commercials is what it's going to be. And then you can listen to it. I'll just beg you to go listen to it, just so we can get some listeners, so we can get people to pay.
The Commercial Break
TCB, Your Undercover Lovers!
I thought about, for a long time, before we had actual commercials, I thought about doing my own funny pretend commercials. I thought that would be the commercial breaks inside the commercials. But we never did that, right? Never. We never put parody commercials in there. We did bits at the beginning of the show. That took a lot of time, energy, and effort.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family, and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy, and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments, even when you're on the go. With Ring, you've got the whole home covered.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
We're taking $20 per post. Chrissy will sit in the studio for the rest of the day and do nothing but Instagram posts. Taylor Swift is number 12. This is surprising to me. I would have thought she would have been much higher on the list. But T Swift, with over 285 million Instagram followers, you can get her to mention your shit for $1.6 million. There's another one.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I know it's not Christina's favorite musician in the world, but there's another one where I think the rubber would meet the road. Because unbelievably, most of our audience is female. Or maybe not believable. Maybe totally believably, most of our audience is female. Kendall Jenner is number 11 with $1.75 million to make a post. I can understand that. Kendall's very beautiful and popular.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
290 million followers. Justin Bieber. The Biebs? The Biebs, even though you don't hear a lot about the Biebs anymore.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
He just had a baby? Yeah, Ian Haley. What do you think about the Biebs and Diddy? Do you think Biebs is like a victim of Diddy?
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But I'm just curious. I'm so curious to see how this all plays out. And obviously that's his private business. If he chooses never to share anything about Diddy, that's on him, right?
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But it seems if you go back and watch a lot of those interactions that are public, like ones that were videotaped, him on Ellen and stuff like that, it seems highly suspicious the way that Diddy is acting toward Justin Bieber. But Justin, lick your wounds with $1.75 million every time you post on behalf of somebody else. Khloe Kardashian.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Ooh, Khloe being the highest paid of the, or maybe not the highest paid, but one of the highest paid. What about Kim? We're going to get there, I'm sure.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
305 million Instagram followers, $1.85 million for a mention from her. Beyonce comes in at $1.9 million at number eight. Number seven is Kim, 2.1 million. The queen will always be the queen. 359 million Instagram followers. If that doesn't tell the aliens all they need to know about life on Earth in 2024, then I don't know what will. Ariana Grande comes in at $2.25 million. 377 million followers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of the
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
That's probably going to go up after that turn in Wicked. The Wicked. Yeah. Dwayne Johnson, guys. The Rock. Are we really going to pay The Rock this much money for a fucking advertisement? $2.3 million. People are paying it, yeah. Here's a Voswater mention that he did. Voswater has been a staple in my life for over a decade.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
For $19.99 plus $19.99 shipping and handling, I'll send you Voss water straight from my own refrigerator. So much after, oh, he acquired a stake in the company. That's how you do it. You do it right. I'm telling you this. You do it the Shaquille O'Neal way. You know what Shaquille O'Neal did when he started getting famous and people were like, I want you to pitch my product.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I want you to pitch my product. I'll pay you money to pitch my product. He said, no. I'll tell you what. You know what you can do? You give me a piece of the company.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You give me a stake of the company. And now he owns like a stake in Foot Locker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Krispy Kreme. That fucking car insurance commercial that I can't stand. The General.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Domino's or some shit like that. Isn't he the new CEO of Domino's or something? Didn't that bonehead go away? Kylie Jenner. Oh, Kylie Jenner gets paid more than Kim.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Uh-huh. Kylie Jenner comes in at $2.4 million. She's got $423 million. Okay, here's the top three. You ready? Selena Gomez, $2.6 million. Good for her. With 423 million followers. I like Selena.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
uh leo messi comes in at number two messi and ronaldo at the top that's it 2.6 million dollars he's doing a uh what commercial is this oh he did a lays potato chip commercial i think like selling your soul to lays uh cristiano ronaldo you tell your soul for 2.5 or whatever i was 2.5 you would hawk some lays yes it's
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
With one zero behind it, $2.50, and I would be doing Lays commercials all day long. I am not too proud.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Here's my thing about, like I was talking to one of our network representatives the other day. That sounds important. It does sound important, doesn't it?
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Which means Brian is incessantly emailing the sales team, wondering when the next dollar is going to come in the door. What's that check coming? Hey, it's been an hour. Is that check here yet? So I was talking with this guy and he said, can you do me a favor for one of our sponsors? Of course I can. And he said, oh, it's so nice and refreshing to have that kind of attitude.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And I said, well, what else happened? What, that's going to be a dick? No. About you bringing money in the door? And here's my opinion about sponsorship. Well, I know most people don't like to listen to ads or watch ads. I'm one of those people, too. The truth is, is that's the reason why we can do 12 Days of GCD. Yes. It's because they're sponsors who pay us to do it.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I mean, they pay us to support our creation of that content. And since we don't take sponsors who we don't, you know, use or would use, then what's... Honestly, that's the way people communicate their products, right? That's how they get the word out there.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And that's why... Okay, and now let's look at the least paid influencers of 2020. That's just everyone sitting in this room.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Okay, so... Let's see here. They're called nano-influencers. Let's see how much Big Ed gets paid per post. Oh, yeah. Big Ed paid per post.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Listen, we used to say this on Clubhouse when we were incessantly babbling on that stupid fucking app forever during the pandemic. We used to say there's riches and niches, bitches, because there is riches and niches. Here's how I liken it to. If you want to advertise on the commercial break, you can probably advertise anything. I mean, most things, right?
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
There's some things I don't think you'd want to advertise, like kids products or Disney toys or whatever. But you can advertise insurance, beer. you know, online sports betting. You can advertise anything because our listeners are listening to a very broad topics when there's topics at all. When there's content at all, Brian's doing.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But let's say you have a model train podcast or a model train Instagram. When you do that, there might be a model train store out there that sells expensive model trains to people that one customer could spend $5,000, $6,000, $10,000 on those model trains. So for you, paying $1,000 to get at those 10 or 15 people that watch the Instagram feed or listen to the posts might be well worth it.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Where if you're advertising on the commercial break, paying $5 to be here for six months on our show might not be worth it. It's a math game. You've got to figure it all out. Big Ed gets paid. Are you ready for this? Yes. Well, I'm very curious. Business videos. Business videos?
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
What was his name? He was fantastic. We had him on for a while. We're going to find him. Maybe we'll put him on. Maybe we'll check in with him. We do. Okay, business videos where you can do business with Ed. What kind of business? $1,000 per post. I don't know. He's on that cameo like everybody else.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, that's what he does. Listen, Big Ed last year made $250,000 on cameo alone. Really? $250,000 on cameo.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Listen, I love Big Ed, and if I could play it here on the commercial break, I would pay for it all day long. But as I mentioned the other day, I can't. Angela's on there. Angela made 100 grand. Angela. Soulja Boy. Angela. Soulja Boy. Angela. Soulja Boy coming at you live from Nigeria, man. $5.25 per post, man. Do business with Soulja Boy.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, 90 Day Fiancé. Nothing anyone under 60 is going to understand. We got our own language too, Christina.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
He's done 1200 of these soldier boy. He has not been on TLC in at least three years. And soldier boy is doing that's $56,000. He made this year alone, uh, Telling people happy birthday for being on 90 Day Fiancé. Fuck you. Fuck it all. We're giving up. 12 days of TCB. My ass, we're cutting it short.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Apparently. Hi, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Ray. This is the Ellen to my Clark. Kristen Joy Holdley. Best to you, Kristen.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I think in the right producer's hands, this could be a goldmine of reality trash.
The Commercial Break
12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
For sure. Number one. Number two. I think I've blown my chances to be on TLC after I told the girl who brought Pimple Popper to the TLC networks that her show was shit.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, I pissed off the TLC executives. Well, that's one of many. All right, let's take a break, and when we get back, Santa porn. We'll be back. Oh, God.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. 12 days of TCB day number what the fuck ever. Who cares? Welcome back. We appreciate it. Happy holidays to you and yours, whatever it is you choose to celebrate. We choose to celebrate financial stability. So you get 12 episodes of the commercial break and you get 12 episodes of the commercial break and you get 12 episodes of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
All right, Chrissy, what do you want Santa to bring you for Christmas?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Well, I mean, you know, depends on who's dressed up like Santa, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Oh, okay. Well, to your mind, but all right. Sometimes she shares nothing and sometimes she shares everything, folks. Depends on what kind of mood she comes in the door. All right. So I don't know. Don't ask me how I got on this. But somehow through the magic of my social algorithm, somebody was reading Santa Erotica. Yeah. I was like, is this a thing? And oh, yes, it is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Santa Claus erotica. Now, I got to imagine that that white beard and that big belly just turned a lot of people on. I'm assuming that the thought of bringing you a special package under the trees.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive, And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer. So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But I think the joke is Santa Claus was dad, right? You know what I'm saying? Oh. Like from the child's perspective, I saw Mommy Kissing. Chrissy goes, oh, really? Now I'm thinking about that song in a whole different way. I think that song might be the reason why I started suspecting that Santa Claus was not, in fact, real. Is that I was like, wait, hold on one sec. Santa Claus erotica is real.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
It is alive and well. It is in the dark corners of the Internet. And yes, I have found it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Thanks for joining us. We appreciate it. Uh, Chrissy, the other day you surprised me with a fact about Cristiano Ronaldo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Well, listen, for a cool $2.6 million, we can get Sabrina to mention our show along with her Christmas polling. Okay, here we go. You ready? A little sample of Christmas erotica from out there. This is by a person. I don't want to steal their content, so I want to make sure that I'm shouting out that this is on Lit Erotica, and this is by the author R. Beamer. R. Beamer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Probably the real name, probably not. Okay, here we go. You wake up with a start. A startle, I'm assuming, is what they meant to write. Was that a sound you heard? You roll over to look at the clock. 1103, Christmas Eve. Not a creature was stirring. You look out the... What are we going for? There's a lot of flavors going on in this first paragraph.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You look out of the bedroom door and notice a light was left on. Must have missed it when we went to bed. You get up, silent and slow as not to wake your partner, and pad softly into the living room to turn out the light. You are surprised to see a man in the living room. He has his back to you and is placing his presence under your tree. Santa, you ask slowly.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
He straightens up quickly and turns with a jerk, his fingers held to his lips. Well, hello, dear, he says quietly. Shouldn't you be in bed with your pasty nipples? I'm kidding. His blue eyes look over you and suddenly you're conscious of what you are. He's conscious of what you are wearing. And it's not much. A pink satin buttoned up pajama shirt that just barely hides your red panties.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
As they call him, CR7, being the highest paid influencer in all the land. Yes. At $303.23 million per post, per mention. And I thought to myself, you know, we could give ourselves the gift of followers this Christmas season if we could just get somebody. Yeah. like Cristiano Ronaldo to mention us on their Instagram.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Pink satin, red panties, button-up pajama shirt. It's a little chilly and your perky nipples are pressing through your shiny top. Wait, you're wearing flannel? Okay, I don't get it, but all right. I'm just going to roll with it. He wrote it. I didn't. He doesn't look at all like the traditional Santa Claus you see everywhere this time of year.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
He's wearing a red velvet coat and a hat, of course, but he's also wearing black leather pants, heavy black boots, and a red satin shirt. He looks to be in his 50s and he's not fat at all. He seems to be fairly good shape for his age. You figure this makes sense considering all he has to do on this evening. His hair is silver gray, his beard short and a little wild. His eyes sparkle with delight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
He's just the sexiest Santa you've ever seen. I heard a sound, so I arose from my bed to see what was the matter. Are you really Santa Claus? Of course, my dear. He laughs a little in spite of himself. Have you been a good girl this year? I've tried to be, but I might end up being on the naughty list. That's okay, my dear. Some people move from the nice to the naughty list and back all the time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Strange. It looks like the clock is a little slow. But Santa, I never had a chance to tell you what I wanted for Christmas. This is not entirely true. You tried to visit at least one mall Santa every year. You like to flirt with the Santa and make him a little uncomfortable as your husband takes pictures. He likes it too. Oh, it's a cuckolding Santa fantasy. I love it. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Well, then, what would you like Santa to bring you this year? Another eye twinkle. This man is starting to turn on you. Should I be sitting in your lap from this as you give him a wicked smile? Of course, my dear. Santa makes his way to the couch, sits down and pats his knee. You slink over knowing... He is watching your body move under your silky top.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You sit down on his legs and feel the smooth, cool leather on your hot cheeks. You put your knees together in your hands and your lap. You start to list all the things you would like Santa to bring you, but it's pretty clear they are things for other people to get. Your friends, your family, all the people you love. I can see you're a giving person and you care for others more than yourself.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
That's a great way to stay on the nice list. But what can I do for you, young lady? Santa's blue eyes stare deeply into your green eyes. He holds your gaze for several heartbeats. You feel your private parts start to tingle and warm. Your pussy is getting excited and wet. Very excited indeed, you think to yourself. I'm going to give Santa Claus a huge present.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You reach up, gently slide his stocking cap from your head and run your fingers through his long, thick, gray hair. You scratch his beard lightly with your long fingernails. You reach down and take his hand. He's wearing a soft leather glove. You pull at all the fingers, removing the glove from his right hand. You place his fingers on your lips, never breaking eye contact.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You start to kiss his fingertips and then you lick them slowly like the disgusting human that you are. You slowly insert fingers into your mouth and then suck on them gently, rolling your tongue around and getting them soaked with your saliva. I'm already grossed out. I know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
His cheeks start to flush, his breathing getting shallow, and he moves his pelvis underneath you, obviously becoming uncomfortable. But he doesn't break the stare. You spread your legs a bit, fit the bottom of your nightshirt and guide your wet fingers into your panties. You press them against you and hot and slowly rub them into your slot. His strong feet.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes, we would have to do 12 days of TCB for another 120 years to get to $3.2 million by my math. So I thought there's got to be somebody out there, someone that would do this for us. Let me see. Maybe we can't get CR7, but maybe we could get someone in that neighborhood that would be willing and able to give us a mention on their Instagram. Right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Fingers take over and you grind your ass on his legs. His fingers part your lips and enter your velvet canal. They find your button, pinch it and tease it. You arch your back with pleasure and suddenly you're moaning hysterically. Strong fingers probe deeper. Suddenly you orgasm. It's gentle, easy, but very intense. Visions of sugar plums dance in your head.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You relax after waves of pleasure have passed and lay your head on Santa's chest, still quivering and shivering with delight. Santa pets and strokes your silky hair as you recover from this passionate experience. But you know it isn't over. Okay, I'm going to skip over this one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes, that's what I'm going to skip over. Let's fast forward. You remove your mouth from his throbbing hard-on, stand slowly and drop your sopping panties to the floor. I would like to go for a ride on your sleigh this Christmas, you say, and then lick his earlobes and gently massage his head. Of course, my dear, you've earned it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You are suddenly concerned with the amount of time Santa has spent with you, and you're worried about all the others he'll need to visit tonight. But you look at the clock, and it's still 1103. The magic of Christmas. That's how he does it. You say to yourself, I love you, Santa Claus. I love you, too. Ho, ho, ho. You people are disgusting. You disgust me with your filth.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You've defiled Santa Claus. Santa and Christmas Eve. Kris Kringle has been torn apart by your throbbing slot.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Velvet Canal. That was my favorite. The Velvet Canal. As you shiver and quiver. Ah. This is amazing. People will literally get horny over anything.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
This is proof. Santa Claus. Never in my wildest dreams, I imagine. I mean, honestly, Santa Claus, he's kind of like the epitome of goodness and richness and wholeness. And we've just made it impossible for anybody to think about Santa in the same way again. How...
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
sick do you need to be to sit around imagining that santa claus is gonna you're gonna ride santa claus's sleigh on christmas eve i mean that said we did read one time that people want to had dolphin fantasies i know and dragons and dragons and aliens are pretty that's a pretty common theme yeah Watch any hentai. That's pretty vanilla.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Hentai is all dragon tentacles and octopus and going in and out of every orifice and ripping people apart. That shit's intense, by the way, hentai is. But I just thought I wanted to give you a taste of how unwell some of our fellow human beings are. Oh, I believe it. It's great.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, it's all out there. Well, we'll get to that in Easter.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, no, I know. You know, like I under like erotica is a huge thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
literature category erotica it's been forever and ever and ever there's like i think those books sell very well the ones that have intensely detailed descriptions of lovemaking they still sell like hotcakes and they're as evidenced by entire websites where people can write their own you know romantic porn essentially not all that well but great you know if i caught romantic but
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You've got to imagine if you pay Cristiano Ronaldo. Here's the thing. I went to TikTok yesterday. And I started looking at videos of CR7. I tried to find his actual TikTok account because I had heard via the Internet, via the Google AI, that he had 423 million followers on TikTok. But it is unbelievably difficult to actually find his real page on TikTok.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You don't think that, I think that she was, he or she was trying to add a little romance in there. It wasn't as graphic. Listen, there were some choices that I made leading up to this. And I'm telling you right now, I went the route of safe. Okay. All right. Good. I went the route of safe.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And I'm sorry if I ruined anyone's Christmas, but I just, if I'm going to know the world is so fucked up, I want to share that with the rest of you, especially during the 12 days of Christmas. Of course. Let it be known far and wide, Santa Claus, North Pole is not the only pole Santa Claus is. It's rubbing this year. You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
To be fair, I do remember when I was a kid and they still had magazines, you know. What's that? Girly magazines. What's that? We used to look at women on pieces of paper. What? With nipple pasties. I used to read the JCPenney catalog.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
The brassiere section. I mean, listen, you're impressionable when you're young. And the JCPenney catalog comes in the door at 12 years old. And there's girls in bras? Oh, my God. Forget it. Long before Victoria's Secret started sending out that stuff.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But I will tell you this, when there were girly magazines around, I'm sure they still exist somewhere, but when there were girly magazines around, inevitably, every year during the holidays, behind that shitty little, you know, mini-mart cashier that you were getting your gas at, there would be Mrs. Claus in some kind of negligee. Oh, yeah. You know what I'm saying? Like, Santa...
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Maybe Santa is not the most popular version of erotica, but Mrs. Claus has certainly been bastardized by every man out there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah. And that's a good time to remind everybody, 21 EPMs. Make sure you get all of your ejaculations in this Christmas month.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Oh, yeah. Listen, house cleaning. Astrid heard our siren song about the browning of the 21 EPM stickers. The controversy currently gripping the web that our 21 EPM stickers are cheap and they don't last and they're turning brown. Well, they turn brown in the sun because they are environmentally friendly. They're eco-friendly. They're biodegradable.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
So we are – and we actually found this on their website that we found that because they're biodegradable – They're only going to last for a couple days and then they go away.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, if you put them in the sun, which we have suggested that you do. If you put them in the sun, then they are going to degrade.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Happy holidays to you and yours. All right. This Christmas, Chrissy and I are asking you to donate. We're going to talk about this charity one more time. Then we're going to bring in some you've suggested. We're going to talk about two charities that we would love for you to send some, you know, some payola their way because they do good works out there in the world. And it's that time of year.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And these charities, most of them really depend on this, the giving this time of year to make them go all year round. It's like everything else. Everybody spends that money here in the holiday times for tax benefits or just because they're feeling good or because they're thinking about others. The St. Jude Foundation, the St.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Jude series of hospitals provide treatment to terminally ill or long term cancer patients. children who typically have serious and complicated types of cancer. They provide that treatment at no cost to anybody for anything. And they do that because of the donations from people like us. So please, we'll put a link in the show notes. We have nothing to do with this. You go directly to their website.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You pay what you want to pay. But if you do decide to donate to one of those, send us a screenshot to 212-433-3TCB and we'll be happy to send you some additional swag just as a thank you for even listening to the show quite frankly.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
We're paying attention to what we say. Also, Chrissy would like the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
There's so many fan pages. And a lot of them have nothing but a picture of Cristiano Ronaldo. Like literally one post, Cristiano Ronaldo, 6.6 million followers. Really? Yes. I'm not even kidding you because people are probably having just as much of a hard time finding the actual Cristiano Ronaldo as I did.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah. If you could avoid getting breast cancer or you could, any kind of cancer, right? If there's a vaccine for cancer that did not include mutilating part of your body, then that would be like one of the most amazing breakthroughs ever. So please donate to one or both of those great causes, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund or the St. Jude Hospital Fund.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas with my fog machine. Okay. Hey, do you remember earlier this year, I wanted to, since we're kind of reviewing the year during the 12 days of TCB, I wanted to bring it back to a story that we talked about way at the beginning of the year, maybe like, maybe spring. We had both watched a documentary about guys that were going around. Everything okay? Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Oh, okay. We can talk about that, too. But let me get to this one first. So the documentary we watched on Netflix. I think a lot of people watched it. about the guys who were going around trying to repopulate the earth with their own genes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
So it was like a triangle, a triad angle, I don't know, six guys that were going to sperm banks and then convincing people to get private donations that included handing semen out car windows, meeting at malls, grocery stores. They were basically, they were in it for sex, I think, a lot of times.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
That's what we need to do is pretend to be somebody else. So here's my—OK, so let's put—besides having a finsta, what if we pay somebody to talk about us? Because if we pay Cristiano Ronaldo $3.23 million and his fake accounts are getting six or seven million followers, wouldn't it stand to reason that if we pay him to actually mention us, we would get some flack? We would get some sloppy seconds?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But most of the time, what they were really in it for is repopulating the Earth or populating the Earth with their genes. It's like this weird fantasy that they had, this weird, like, domination fantasy that they had. And they went around doing this. So terrible. Terrible. They were found out and there was a small town in Denmark, I think it was.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
In Denmark or Sweden that had realized that like 120 of the children in that town were all related. Because the women... who wanted to conceive either by themselves or they couldn't conceive with their husband, took semen from the same person. But they did not know this until the cat got out of the bag.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Everybody started doing DNA tests to realize that if they had gotten a private donation, it had likely come from this one particular person that then they discovered was not even one particular person. It was multiple particular people. In other words, you would call the dude or meet him on a website.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
He would say, I've only done this once or twice, but I'm really dedicated to giving women children when they want them, regardless of their circumstances. So I'm happy to provide you my semen. I'm college educated. I'm good looking. He would provide, you know, pictures. He looked like, you know, I don't know, like a blonde Jesus.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, he was just like a handsome guy. And then they would meet him and inevitably get the donation one of two ways. Either he would give them the semen or
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
that was just made either in their house like in their bathroom yeah he'd pump and dump essentially or he'd provide a live donation which means you have sex with the person and then they conceive that way which is also apparently a way that you can do this too which really surprised me okay so listen
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
So, loosely, in this documentary, a gentleman as part of this quad of guys that were doing this was mentioned. And at the exact same time, this guy was on 90 Day Fiancé before the 90 days. He was dating a woman. And his job that he made clear from the beginning of him being on this show was to provide live sperm donations.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
It was only one way that he did it, and that was to have sex with the woman. And he'd get paid to do this. They'd pay for his travel and give him a couple thousand dollars each time he donated sperm. And sometimes he'd have to do it multiple times. And when the girl that he was dating, that he intended to marry... asked for him to wear a condom, he refused.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
When she then got nervous that she was pregnant, asked for the morning after pill, he refused to buy it for her. She went out and got it herself because he really wanted her to have this baby. It was like a sick, weird fantasy. This guy... At that time, one of the things that they showed in that show was that he was taking a cadre of vitamins to increase his chances of getting a woman pregnant.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Supplements? Supplements to make his semen stronger and more virile and all this other stuff. There is now an actual supplement on the market called SemenX supplement.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
semen x that you can take to make your semen strong for you know the clearly i mean listen the supplement market is very loose it's not regulated there is zero regulation about the supplement market i could that's why why brian 5000 why brian 3000 now available everywhere you have sex Why, Brian 3000, I'll personally give it to you right now. 30-day free trial of my penis. How Semen X works.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
You ready? From their website. The only thing better than sex is amazing sex. But what if you could make the sex last even longer with intense orgasms and great semen? Order your Semen X today. Yes. Seminal vessel fluids constitute 70% of your load increase. Okay. The prostate gland fluid that forms 25% of your load increases. Your seminal plasma load increases.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes! How many followers do you think we would get if we paid him to do a mention for us? If he said, like, one of my favorite comedy podcasts is the commercial break. Oh, lots. Yeah, millions? Millions. Probably millions. Okay, but we can't afford him, so let's put him aside. What if we find someone a little less expensive?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I mean, this is something Alex Jones should be selling.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Immediately, if not sooner. Because, oh, wait, there's a commercial. I don't know if I want to play the commercial because then I'm just giving him a free commercial. But the funniest thing is the testimonials that are on this website. Okay. I want you to take a look at the picture of one of the guys that's giving the testimonial, Neil W. Okay. Do you see that guy? Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Does it look like Neil W. will ever be called upon to load increase?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
No, he's 70 years old. What does Neil need his load increased for? What is he looking for, Neil? Okay. My orgasms are way more intense. I've been taking semen X for a little over 60 days now. I saw your ads and decided it's exactly what I needed. You will not be prepared for what comes next, my dick. I mean, this is amazing. I have to tell you, this stuff works like a charm.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
My orgasms are way more intense and my semen volume is more than doubled. Who cares?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Well, they might now. Let me talk to the network executives and we'll see what happens. Our network liaison. Who cares? Unless you're actually trying to get someone pregnant, which I guarantee Neil is not. Who cares what the load volume is? Is that really a problem? Or do we care about the load? Have you ever cared about the load volume?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I don't think Neil's trying to get it. Yeah, drop in loads. I mean, this is just unbelievable to me. This is one of the vitamins that that guy was taking was this semen X. It really was? It really was one of the ones that he was taking. I'm surprised this picture is not on the website.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Because if there's ever been someone that should be, look at these guys, Chrissy. Look at these men on the front of this website. If these are not guys that you want to make sure that their load increases.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Do you want to see them have more intense orgasms? Do you want to see any of these guys have more intense orgasms, Chrissy?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Oh, my God. Look at this guy. He's right up your alley. Oh, my God. It's so funny. They couldn't have paid for stock photography? Steven X, you couldn't have sprung for a couple extra dollars to make it look like anybody? Decent? Would want your product? Yeah. Pan in on that, Chris. Give us a shot of that. Look at that guy. Look at that guy. No, no, no. It's okay.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video doorbells, cams, and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
We'll have our guy zoom in on that. That's unbelievable. What about the Russian documentary? What was going on with the Russian documentary? The Mail Order Brides. The Mail Order Brides. Or did you just want to talk about it?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Well, stay tuned because there's two more documentaries of equal... shenanigans that I have found that I would like to do. This is actually one of the things in season number six that I would like to do more is that we do a multi-day themed breakdown of longer, like a longer episodic documentaries, videos. And I've found two already that are just amazeballs and you're going to love them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And one of them is very much in the same vein as mail order brides. Uh, but this has to do with the, the paid dating coaches. So the pay, the people, but not the men. The women who take rich guys and they put them together with a gaggle of geese and then they try and hook them up. Do you know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Remember her? Yeah. Do you remember how she did that show?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Oh, she does? Oh, okay. I always thought that would look like a scam from the beginning to me. It was like she just put a bunch of really hot young girls in front of a bunch of really old, white, rich guys.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, that's true. Nothing unusual going on there. Yeah, exactly. No, not in L.A. I actually live in L.A., but it's just a different world out there. Things just happen different. Kylie Jenner gets paid $2.6 million to mention you on her social media out there. Here in Atlanta, we do things different. We mention Semenex in the hopes that they'll pay us money someday down the line.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
That's how it works here in Atlanta. We for real. We for real. No, no, no. Do your thing. Okay. we're all still getting used to each other in the same space and that's okay christina christina was so lost in the moment talking about the mail order bride well she was ordering semen x over there she was hoping it would increase her load i don't know where did you put it did we did you replace it
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
No? Okay. It's usually in a green... There we go. Sorry. No, it's all good. It's all good. You know, the reason why I pointed to you is because I thought that's what you had done.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I was loading my load. You were loading your load. I was loading my load. Loading. Now loading. See you next time. Give them a shout out. We just did a free commercial for them, by the way.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
We did. All of those people aforementioned is probably the reason why some people are listening to us today, actually. Without their help, we would be nowhere, Chrissy. So let's piggyback off of that thought and go 21st century. Get on social media.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah. There's probably half the audience that's running to semenx.com right now to either check out the pictures or order it themselves. Use sick fucks with your Santa Claus porn and your semenx. This has been a rowdy episode of the commercial break for 12 days of TCB. Well, when I saw the Santa erotica, I just couldn't pass it up. I was like, oh, no, no, no, no. That's commercial break material.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
All right. Let's get Dr. Phil to talk about it. Oh, yeah. Dr. Phil. I'm going to get that commercial. We'll see if we can play it for you. All right. Do us a favor. Go to the St. Jude website or the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund website. Donate for Christmas. Give a few bucks. You know that every dollar really does matter when you're talking about life-threatening illnesses.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And let's be honest about it. The health care system in America is really fucked. As we're seeing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes, it stops. And when you're really sick, there's nothing else that matters. It's just that's all. That's it. And sometimes you can't even function. And I know that for a fact. And Chrissy knows that. And Christina knows that. We all know that. Get old enough and you're going to know that if you get sick. You need health care. You need it now, and you may not have the money to pay for it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
So these people are doing good work out there. You may need them someday. Hopefully you don't, but you may need them. Pay it forward. All right, tcbpodcast.com. That's where you find all the show notes, all the information about the show, audio and video, every single episode of The Commercial Break, now available on youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Add the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. If you donate to one of those causes, send us a screenshot. We'll send you free swag. If you need another 21 APM sticker, let us know. We'll send it off to you. No muss, no fuss, no problem. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And best to you and your jingle jangles out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I do say, we will say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Get them to get an influencer to mention. Not that Conan or smart list guys aren't. I will say this. They didn't do it with all their gusto. Conan did a good read. I can't say. And I love SmartList. I absolutely do. I think they're wonderful. It's one of my favorites. I feel honored just to have had them say their name. This is the fact that they accepted our money. Dr. Phil, not so much.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
In hindsight, probably wouldn't repeat that. But here's the crazy part. Dr. Phil brought us a lot of listeners.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
That's how I know a lot of our audience is not well.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But Dr. Phil, we did like five commercials with him, and the first four were just, you know, hey, it's Dr. Phil. Do you enjoy ghost stories? People who date chickens? That's so funny. Listen to The Commercial Break, available everywhere you listen to your other podcasts. The Commercial Break, now available three days a week. Do you enjoy fucking your grandma?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
and writing in about it the commercial break will take your text message that was the first four and then he got it and then all of a sudden on the fifth one he had some drinks or something i actually i know he doesn't drink but something happened he was huffing you know paint cleaner or something because he goes you know those guys at the commercial break they're fantastic i love those do you like talking about ghost and mountain monsters and horse chickens he did make him read that
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yeah, I paid for it. I will not be rerunning the Smartless ad. However, I'm not going to let our audience know just how disrespected we are by everybody else in the podcast community. Here's Smartless at the commercial break on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. Thanks to the commercial break for advertising with us. It was supposed to be a minute. It was less than 10 seconds.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Okay, so let's go through the top 20 paid influencers of 2024. And let's see if there's anybody that's gettable for us. Okay, Kevin Hart. The American stand-up comedian, actor, pitchman extraordinaire Kevin Hart is everywhere. Four foot two and worth a billion dollars. Everybody loves Kevin. It's hard not to like Kevin Hart. I mean, he's just one of those guys. He's like Tom Cruise.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I mean, not Tom Cruise. Who's the other Tom? Tom Hanks. It's like Tom Hanks, not Tom Cruise. I was about to say, well... If Tom Cruise would accept...
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
influencer money i bet tom cruise would instantly be the highest paid influencer ever now i know he does like he won't do commercials here in the united states but he does lots of international commercials and apparently he gets paid like 10 million 15 million dollars yeah to do one of those you know silly i don't know uh perfume ads you know we're just standing there with his hair whipping back
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Sand. Wind by Saint-Laurent Zevi. Those people must sell perfume. Like, celebrities must sell perfume.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Because every perfume commercial has celebrities. And the only one I've actually ever enjoyed is the Miley Cyrus one, just because I like that song. Anyway, Kevin Hart, take a guess at how much Kevin... I'm going to have you guess at how much these people make increasingly until we get to Christian. Okay. Cristiano, excuse me, not Christian. Christian, like we're buds. Christian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
We'll see you next time. Get your quote today at Progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust Progressive. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Hey, Chrissy, best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
A million dollars for a Kevin Hart mention. I think Kevin Hart, if we had a million dollars, which we don't, but if we had a million dollars, Kevin Hart might be a good fit for us.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Because everyone likes him and therefore gives us a shot. Yeah. Getting there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
God damn. We don't even have 200 followers on TikTok. Not 200. I mean, to be fair, I never post on there until like last yesterday. Okay. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Well, I'm not famous, but good looking is subjective, Chrissy. If Christina wasn't gay, she would think I was good looking.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Okay, thank you. um i'm gonna say 1.2 1.1 million 1.14 1.41 million dollars katie perry katie perry 1.41 1.41 okay one excuse me 1.141 yes 1.1 yes whatever who cares it's a lot of money too much we don't Katy Perry comes in at number 18. She's got 205 million. So he's got 278. She's got 205.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But I guess she probably has more of an international flavor to her, like everybody kind of knows who Katy Perry is. This has not been the greatest year for Katy Perry, I will say that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
That was this year. I think so. Would she have that with Russell Brand?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes. Russell Brand officially went off the deep end. Okay. Katy Perry. Average price per post is what?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
$1.2 million. $1.22 million. And she will give you a mention. Next at number 17 is the aforementioned Miley Cyrus.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Who's got 214 million Instagram followers. A mention from her will cost you a cool... 1.3. 1.276, so pretty close. What about Kourtney Kardashian? What do you think she costs?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Wait, is Kourtney Kardashian hanging out with Machine Gun Kelly now? What is going on there?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Travis. That's right. Barker. Travis Barker. Travis Barker's wife gets $1.35 million per post. This year, a couple of months ago, she had one post that had three and a half million likes. Three and a half million. Damn. I got excited the other day when I posted on TikTok for the first time. And you know how you can watch the little counter if you go on your desktop version?
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I just figured this out. You can go in the analytics and watch the little counter as you get your views. When it got to 50, I had to tell my wife. I was like, I think it's going viral. It's got 50. And then it ended at 56. And it went off the cliff. Because TikTok said, no old white men here. Also, you're on a desktop. Yeah, well, fuck you. I'm on desktop. I got seven desktops over there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I just bought Christina a new desktop. I've never had so many screens in my entire life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes, take care of them. Nicki Minaj plays in at number 15.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
1.3. Yeah, you're just going up the ladder, aren't you? 1.35 for Nicki Minaj. Virat Kohli. Kohli is a current captain of the Indian cricket team. Many regard him as one of the best contemporary batsmen in the world. Never watched cricket in my entire... Actually, that's not true. I've watched like five minutes of it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But for the life of me, I can't understand it. It's huge. And it goes on for months. Games go on for months. Games go on for months? No, they go on for days. Days? Days. Games go on for days. Really? Yes. They will go on for days and days. And I don't know why. Why can't it be wrapped up in a single sitting? Or one day. One day. Or five hours.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
I mean, take a page out of the American baseball book and just get them to hustle up a little bit more.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Get it done in one day. Anyway, he's got many followers. Doesn't say here how many he has. But he makes about $26 million a year, earning $1.385 per post. That's crazy. $1.3 million to make a post. Mm-hmm. And when you're that famous, and I don't know that anybody this famous, like, I don't know anybody on this list is listening to the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
But if you are, write in and tell us, do you accept? two or three of these a month? Or are you really choosing to only do three or four a year? Because if I'm one of these people, I am literally sitting in this studio all day long doing posts for sponsors.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Sexy Santa
Yes, that's true. Jennifer Lopez gets 1.5 million per post and doesn't say here how many she's got. Let's see here. How many followers does she have? J-Lo. Oh, she does like coach and stuff like that. God damn, Chrissy. Why can't we just do one of these? I mean, why can't we just do... Why can't we have 250 million? Why can't we have one sponsor just... We have over 300 Instagram followers.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, you're still alive and you're looking great. Hey, you know... Der Chattahoochee-River ist sehr ähnlich, wie wir es auf dem Show gesprochen haben. Der Chattahoochee, der durch Atlanta läuft, der Chattahoochee-Coochee bis dahin, da finden sie Kühe fliegen, wie fliegende Kühe fliegen. Du willst einfach nicht was essen, was aus dem Meer kommt.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Und die Leute, die diese Räume zubereiten, sind jung und sie haben Immunsysteme, die damit umgehen können. Nicht wir. Ja, Steine.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Du hast viele Jahre Stand-Up-Comedy gemacht. Und ich wollte dir eine Frage stellen. Okay. Has there ever been a time or a gig, like a specific thing you could think about, where you were just like, holy shit, this is the worst, I'm quitting, I'm done with this. This sucks, I've had the worst night of my life or run of my life, and this is it.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I'm wondering, because some of the comics that we talk to are fresh-faced comics, right? And they don't have the experience behind them, I think, maybe to experience those ups and downs. But has there been a moment when you could think of where you're like, holy shit, I'm done with this?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Es gibt tausende Leute, die dich beobachten. Und es ist nur du mit dem Mikrofon. Das muss eine seltsame Versuchung sein.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, no, it's true. And also, you depend only on yourself at the end of the day, right? So it's like you, like Patrick Mahomes, he depends on however many other people to make sure that he wins from season to season. For you, you can just kind of throw some cold water on your face and say, okay, Kathleen, you know how to do this. Go up and get him tomorrow night.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
You feel like your actual physical presence. You're like, I need something to fill the stage up. That's got to be a kind of strange feeling is when you're in those, you know, wherever you are. I don't know where you're playing. And it's just you sitting on the stage. And there's these thousands of people that are watching you. And it's just you with a microphone.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I get nervous. It's good money, but you just don't know what you're getting. Too many X-Factors.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, you have such a long and storied career, and you're still doing it very successfully. Over all of these years, you've seen comedy evolve. When did you get started, Kathleen? When was your first gig at The Bone? Oh, The Bone.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, we were talking about this before you came on and I was telling the people here in the studio, I was like, I don't think Kathleen ever stops touring. I think every time I look, she's doing another, there's another reel, there's another post. She's got another set of shows coming on. But I think that's, I guess after 35 years, that feels very normal to you.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And, you know, do you enjoy that part of it, like being out and traveling or would you rather spend more time traveling? sitting and doing what you want to do.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I mean, come on. Yeah, they put you in a room, essentially.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green, this is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, we had Lewis on. He's one of my favorite guests. He's so good at what he does.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, he was a playwright. His origin story is rather weird. He had a rather strange origin story. It was like writing one-act plays down in some basement in New York or something.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we are in yet another Tuesday morning or Tuesday afternoon or whenever you're listening to this. It's a TCB infomercial Tuesday with... Noted, storied comedian, Kathleen Madigan coming in. I can't wait. This one is years in the making, actually.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ja, das war, als er auf Comedy Central war, als er auf The Daily Show war, was ich glaube, wo viele Leute zu Louis Black und massiv ausgesprochen wurden. Es ist einfach so, er ist so faszinierend und so klug und so scharf an dem, was er tut. Es ist schwer, die Brillanz in all dem Schreien zu ignorieren, richtig?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Und ich denke, für mich war das eine wirklich attraktive Form von Komödie für mich, wie er es gemacht hat. Und er hat gesagt, ich habe früher Headlines auf der Bühne genommen und das ist, was ich tun würde, ich würde die Zeitung lesen. I circle headlines and that's how I got started. I just yell and scream and people liked it and he said, okay, why not?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
He got it. Das ist eine smarte Überzeugung. Als ein Typ, der in Chicago geboren wurde, hast du einen sehr berühmten Sinn für Humor, eine Art von Reden. Das Midwest, dieser Geschmack des Midwesten kommt in dich heraus. Und ich denke, das fühlt sich sehr berühmt an.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Es ist wie das, worum ich geboren bin, die Geräusche, die ich gehört habe und die Art von scharfen, aber ruhigen und politischen Komödie, die du tust, ist sehr gut. Ist da ein Ort, wo du fühlst, wo deine Komödie fühlt, Ich glaube, dass die Leute besser darauf reagieren.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Wenn du in den Südwesten gehst, fühlst du dich, als hättest du eine wärmere Rezeption, als du in bestimmten Orten im Land hättest? Oder ist deine Komödie, hast du das schon so lange gemacht, dass deine Komödie irgendwo aufeinandert?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
We've been trying to get Kathleen on the show for a very long time, and we're super excited that our schedules collided in the universe, and we're finally now getting Kathleen in here. Kathleen has been around for a very long time. I don't want to date her, she's a young lady, but I still want to share that she's... She's grown up with some of the best. The Jerry Seinfelds of the world.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ich sehe, was du sagst, und ich stimme dir zu. Die lustige Sache ist, die Sache mit dem Eiskaten, den Eiskatern, richtig? Und praktizieren all dein Leben, um das eine Ding mit jemand anderem zu tun, der sich verletzen könnte. Das kommt aus einem deiner Comedy Central Specials, das war way back when. Und ich habe es gerade gesehen. Ich habe das letzte Mal gesehen.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Es ist auf meinem YouTube-Kanal aufgefallen. Und ich bin so, oh, lass mich das anschauen. Wirklich lustig. Aber du bist edgy in deiner eigenen Weise. Aber es ist kind of this polite Midwestern way. You're kind of sneaking in the back door, right? It's edgy and there's some commentary there. But you have to know where to find it. You have to know how to listen to it in that own Midwestern way.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
You have worked with probably a lot of the greats. Seinfeld, Louis Black. And I was... I always wanted to ask a question. Do you ever get advice from one of those people, like one of those huge success stories, that you were like, I don't think that's great advice. They gave you advice and then you were like, I actually don't think that's great advice.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Louis Black, Mitch Hedberg, Jerry Seinfeld, did I already say Jerry Seinfeld? I'll say it twice, Jerry Seinfeld, because you know, he's a big deal. Chris Rock, she's been around for a very long time.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Robin was one of the best in my opinion, but he was frenetic. And I think watching some of his old stuff, like back in the 80s, sometimes it's a little bit disconcerting how much he's moving around. And obviously, I think he's powered by something besides Wheaties. Do you know what I'm saying? Back in the 80s.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Do you want to know where I found the most touching Robin Williams documentary film footage? It was not on a Robin Williams documentary. It was on that Christopher Reeves documentary. Because I had no idea the two of them were best friends.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And then when they got to the part where they started talking about how after Chris had his accident, Robin was there, but they never talked about the accident or his disability. And one of his children was saying, I think that Robin gave... Chris, some sense of normalcy back, because he never mentioned anything about the accident or anything about being in a wheelchair or anything like that.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And I don't know, there was something very touching and sweet about that. He's like, they both kind of confided in each other. Robin was amazing. How sad. How many shows did you guys do together? How many tours did you go on?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, she grew, I think she kind of hit her stride during the Comedy Central boom, when Comedy Central actually had comedians on.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, I don't disagree with you. I think some of the stuff that he did on film that was more serious just felt more earnest to me. And sometimes I think he could be more funny when he was delivering a wry line rather than something, you know, jumping out of a box and, you know, with suspenders and trying to make everybody laugh.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ah, das ist eine sehr interessante Überzeugung.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ja, ich preferierte sein Erwachsenes zu seinen Morken-Mindi-Jahren. Ich werde es nicht teilen.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
It was very interesting. So you are a storyteller by nature. I would share that you're a storyteller. Do you ever tell stories about people in your personal life where they're like, hey, I prefer that you don't share that story. Right.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, that's how it started. That's how Comedy Central started. Comedy Central used to be three to five minute clips, like MTV was videos three to five minutes. Comedy Central, 24 hours a day, would do nothing but play comedies. Ja, genau. Which was really cool. But oh, how things have changed. I mean, Comedy Central is still a good channel. Whatever. They still have good comedy shows.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ja, genau. Ja, das ist cool. We do a lot of content here. We're on 700 plus episodes at this point. 1,000 hours of content.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, we pull from everything. But I have learned, and I learned very quickly, people aren't volunteering to be on your show. This wasn't their life choice. And you have to be careful about what you say. But it's easy to edit and change names and flip things around. When you tell the story, the faces and the names just get changed to protect the innocent. Chrissy, that's how you do it.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Aber trotzdem wissen einige Leute, wenn ich eine Geschichte über meinen Bruder erzähle, werde ich einige Details ändern. Aber manchmal sagt er, ich wollte wirklich nicht das Teil. Und ich sage, ich habe es nicht gesagt. Keiner würde das zusammenfassen. Aber sie wissen. Und manchmal wird er überrascht. Und ich sage, okay, ich werde es machen.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ich werde es bei ihm machen, wenn ich denke, ich bin am Ende. That's a fair policy.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Wait, can we follow this down the rabbit hole just for a second? What? Your brother-in-law did not know what religion he was?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
In den letzten Amazon-Spezial, die ich gemacht habe,
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
That's a ridiculous amount of ass covering right there, isn't it?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
He's a shark who's lost his teeth. He's not going to do anything. He's not going to worry about it. Don't get all fussy about something. If that's the level of ass covering that Amazon is doing with all of their specials, I can only imagine.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Well, he presented it as a true story to Netflix. Netflix took it on verbatim. They didn't do anything. They didn't check. And now the judge went, so she sued them for like $150 million.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yes, because they did nothing to protect her identity.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Und Kathleen ist richtig. All they had to do was skinny African-American church secretary. And then you could have made the case that, oh, this was a fictional story that we made up whole cloth, even though it was very similar to something that happened to me.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
So while this guy got all these props and it was a true story, that makes it interesting, but it would have been interesting even without the true story part, right?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
But Kathleen is here and I can't wait to dig into, you know, some of her... Whenever somebody comes out like Louis Black or Margaret Cho or Kathleen Madigan, when you have someone who's been around for a long time, you get to dig into some of the dirt, like figure out... Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. Ja. And you want to reminisce about the old days.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Do you remember, every time I think about based on true story, do you remember when Fargo came out, the movie Fargo, and the beginning of the movie, it said, you know, the events in this movie are all true, right? And everybody was like, when did this happen? Where did this happen?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Well, the thing that the Coen brothers didn't mention is, yeah, all the events are true, but they didn't happen in one story. That's like a hundred stories they took the pieces from. Those guys are so genius, I think. That is quintessential Midwestern Fargo. Und ich weiß, dass es exagerierte Akzente und Tropen sind.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Aber wenn du das Film siehst, wenn du im Mittleren Westen geboren bist, wenn du da schon mal gewesen bist, dann ist das wirklich zu Hause für dich. Oh ja, das ist, wie sie sprechen. Oh ja, das ist, wie sie agieren. Oh ja, das ist, wie polizistisch sie sind in der Face of Murder. Ja. Do you have a... Over the years that you've been doing comedy, has there been trends that you've seen in comedy?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Have you changed your comedy over... I know your comedy has evolved over the years, but is there a trend and you're like, I'm not jumping on that bandwagon, no thanks. Now I feel like comedy is... Some comedians, they're not really comedians, they're... Ja, genau.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Und ich denke, dass es Komedien gibt, die das mit großem Effekt tun. Like, I think Nate Bargatze is an example of this, right? His comedy is slow, it's plodding, but it's funny. And there's not a cuss word in there, right? And I think there are other comedians, who I won't name, I don't want to offend anybody, who just don't do it to great... I think they're just... I agree with you.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Why are you not saying the words that you could say? You could punctuate these things with something a little bit more... If it's your normal way of talking.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ich kann nicht mehr mit dir verabschieden. Ich schiebe mich nicht davon ab, die Kinder zu kussieren. Wiederum, es gibt einige Wörter, die ich nicht wähle. Ich werde sie nicht an ihrer jungen, leichten Zeit lernen. Aber dann. Ja, genau. Broadcast-Television? Oh, ja, auf TV.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, it's like two people sitting around the retirement home remembering when. You know when I go to my mom's retirement home and they're always playing that old music? And every time I go there, like I went there the other day.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I bet off air we could name three of them. I bet we'd be thinking about the same people.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
They got three drink tickets and a shitty cheeseburger and they're going to stay the night at the Howard Johnson at the Hojo. What are you going to do? It's Schaumburg, Illinois. What are you going to do? You have got to have seen and done a lot of sets with very successful, famous comedians. Ron White, you've been mentioning, is one of your friends. Do you guys hang out a lot, you and Ron?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I think about Pearl Jam being played. Pearl Jam is now classic rock. Es ist, ich bin gar nicht verrückt. Ich habe es live auf einer klassischen Rock-Radio-Station gehört. Das war vor ein paar Monaten. Wir sind nach Florida gegangen, um meine Arztpraxis zu haben. Und sie hatten keine Serien im Auto, also habe ich einfach... Nicht Daniel Beach. Nicht Daniel Beach.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ich werde glücklich, wenn ich der Bartender auf dem Golfkurs bin. Und für ein paar Wochen, das ist alles, was ich in meinem Bar habe, sind die drei, die mich einfach unterhalten.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
You know, that was when COVID happened. Our first episode was released. like the same week that all of the lockdowns started happening. So April 15th, 2020. And this podcast may have saved my life because at least I had something to come do. Like I had some outlet, some way and we just didn't talk about any of it.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I mean, of course we mentioned masks or whatever on occasion, but we just didn't talk about any of it. That's why the show is named The Commercial Break. So we would just kind of shut it out. And I gotta be honest, that hour and a half or two hours at that time, once a week, that Yeah, once a week. Now it's four times a week.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
That really allowed me to decompress in a way that I think saved me from just going absolutely fucking stir crazy.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
If you remember, our governor opened up the bowling alleys and the nail salons.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And I thought to myself, I mean, at the time, now in hindsight, I think it was a good idea that he was saying, hey, we can't just shut down everything forever, right? But at the time, it was the funniest thing ever to know that our governor had made some decision somewhere at the highest powers of local government. He said, nail salons. Das ist eine sehr seltsame Frage.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ja, du stellst alles an, was andere nicht tun.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Das ist so verrückt. Yeah, and then there's like Brian, who owns Zany's here in Nashville. Little Dorf, he's out there golfing every day. Nate was here, all my...
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
My grandfather... put out and I've said this a couple of times on the show. He was in a nursing home with he was unable to walk because he had so many broken hips, colon cancer for the second time. You know, he was like 98 years old and he was taking his resume and giving it to the nurses in the nursing home and telling them to please fax it to this phone number.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
He tried to find work until the day that he died because he had a very he was Irish, too. I mean, of Irish descent. And he had a very similar way of thinking. It's that you you work. Ja, genau. Kathleen is on the never-ending tour. The tickets go on sale this week, so the tickets are either now available or will be available over the next couple of days for your fall dates.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And then there'll be the winter dates and then the spring dates and then the summer dates until Ron comes back over and kills another three or four weeks with you.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Listen, I know we aren't great friends, but next time you, Ron, Louis and Nate get together up there to play a round of golf, I'll carry your bag.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
They don't care. There's no rules. I love it. I love golf and I'll be happy to play around with you. I'll even, I'll pay for the fireball. I'll put a link to all of Kathleen's stuff inside of the show notes. I could talk to you for another hour and a half, Kathleen. I hope that you come back because I enjoy your comedy and I think you're a great person to talk to. This is a ton
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Your podcast is great too. Can I just share one thing with you, Kathleen? Please don't take any offense to this. Put a microphone on your producer. No.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
But I want to hear what she has to say and I can't hear her.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah. Well, no, don't fire her. I was watching it actually on YouTube this morning and I was like, I can't hear what she's saying. But you do repeat a lot of the stuff that she says.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
It's not for everyone. We've had a million taglines. And we'll have a new one after this too. Kathleen Madigan, you're fantastic. Thanks and you're welcome back anytime. And we hope you do come back.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
I mean, we say this a lot. I know. But it is true. I mean, I don't want to just sound repetitive.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
But it is fun talking to these people because, you know, they're human beings, but they don't have to be interesting and fun to talk to. You know what I'm saying? If I went to a bar tomorrow and I talked to 20 people, I think probably 10 of them at least, I would be like, okay, all right, whatever. I don't wish to have another conversation with them. Right.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And then five of them would be kind of interesting. And then five of them you would want to follow up with. You'd be like, those are cool people. I want to hang out with them. I think 90% of the guests that we've had on the commercial break are people you want to hang out with again. They probably aren't saying the same thing about us. But at least we have a good impression.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
So she's like, that's what she does. She's just stand up. The funny thing is, we were going to go to Daniel Point and it's close to where a lot of Astrid's family lives. So they bought a bunch of tickets and God bless them. And they have no fucking clue what the commercial break is all about. They have no idea. They think it's just some fun project Brian's got going on on the side.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
At least from our perspective, it was a lot of fun. And Kathleen was. And I swear to God, that is like my dream date. Get Nate Bargatze, Louis Black, Ron White, Kathleen Madigan in a bottle of Fireball and let's go play golf. Yeah, that's awesome.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah. And go see fish. Let's all go see fish. That's what it is.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, there's no value. We're not Joe Rogan. We're not informing you about how Doge is saving your money. That's not our lot in life. Ah, good old Jo. I wanted to really ask her about her thoughts. Well, never mind, I'm not going to get into it. I wanted to ask her her thoughts on something, but I refrained, maybe conversation number two.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, some of the quote-unquote comedians that are out there right now doing their thing. Anyway, she's got Pubcast, which is her, I think it's weekly podcast. You can find that wherever you're listening to this. You can go on the... Und ja, natürlich. There's a special right around the corner, but we can't talk about it.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Keep an eye out for Kathleen's new special sometime later on this year, I would imagine.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
She's working on it, as are we. We're working on it, too. Alright, well. What else is there to say?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah. She's my Aunt Sandy. Well, without the gay part. I mean, I don't know if she's gay and who gives a shit anyway. It doesn't really matter. Anyway, it doesn't really matter, but I'm saying Aunt Sandy... Das ist Kathleen. Kathleen ist Anne Sandy. Sie haben beide den selben Sinn für Humor. Es ist so vergnügt und relatable für mich.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ja. Ich wünschte, Anne Sandy wäre noch da. Ich weiß. Ich wünschte, sie könnte auf den Telefon kommen und sprechen, weil du würdest sagen, sie ist ein Lachen im Moment. Ja. Sie hat 100 Millionen Dollar in ihrem Leben gemacht und verloren. 100 Millionen Dollar. Nicht so viel wie die Katze.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Not as much as the cat lady who lost billions of dollars. Well, Aunt Sandy lost it for a different reason, but I won't get into all the family drama. But I will just share this, that Aunt Sandy for one of our birthdays came to our house in Chicago, picked Kevin and I up, took us to Toys R Us, gave us each a cart and said, go for it. Can you imagine? Best day of my life. G.I. Joe's left and right.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
They still think I'm in real estate. And so... And I'll keep it that way as long as possible.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Teddy Ruxpin. I think I got a speaking spell. I think I even got a cabbage patch doll. Which my mom went to war over to get us for Christmas and then Aunt Sandy comes and we just throw in the basket. Mom got us one cabbage patch doll.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
You should be that aunt. You're going to need a different job, but you can be that aunt. Das ist das, was ich mache. I call customer service, it just changed my name. Also, at the commercial break on Instagram, please follow us there, TCB Podcast on TikTok. For every episode on video, you can go to youtube.com slash the commercial break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
The same day they air here on the audio feed, 99% of the time, they're out there already, unless YouTube has flagged the video. And tcbpodcast.com for audio, video, and your free schwag. Just give us your address and we'll send it off. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. And best to you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, that's right. So we canceled those Dania Point shows because I was not feeling well. But we still managed to make it to Spain a couple weeks before my surgery to go to a wedding that I talked about.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Anyway, I'm really interested to talk to Kathleen because I know she's been around the block and she's seen a few things and I like to dig into that stuff. You know, we have a lot of new comics that come out. I say new comics, they've been doing it for a long time, but they're just kind of hitting their stride and Kathleen's been doing this for a long time.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
One thing I've noticed about Kathleen, following her on social media, is that she sells out theaters. I mean, she's doing theaters.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Yeah, and to be a comic for that long and still be selling out theaters is, you know, there's got to be a real sense of accomplishment about that. You've hit it. You've done it. You're moving into your, you know, the later stage of your life and you're still selling out theaters. I wonder if you ever, like when you're a stand-up comic like that, do you think about retirement?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Or do you, you know, like here with the commercial break, and this is not a joke, I've actually thought about this, like how long can we actually do this show for?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Ja. Do we go to where 55? Do we go to where 60? I mean, I guess that largely depends on how little money we make over the next couple of years. But it's like, how long do we do this before we just say, okay, I think we're too old to be doing a comedy podcast that's at all relevant.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Well, the market has already spoken, Chrissy. The market has already spoken. We're just not listening. So kathleenmadigan.com is where you can get tickets to her tour. She's on the never-ending tour. This is not like Kathleen. It's Ich glaube, die Tickets sind diese Woche auf dem Markt, oder? Tickets are on sale this week for her fall tour.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
She is currently on her spring tour, spring and summer tour. And I was just looking, there's like 26 more dates still available for the spring summer tour. I'm sure she takes a little bit of a break and then she'll do the fall tour. And that's going to be extensive. Also, she has many specials available. You can go to KathleenMadigan.com.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
She's got Netflix specials, Amazon specials, Comedy Central specials, YouTube specials. She's got all kind of material out there. And she's really funny. She's got that Midwestern charm and politeness. with a very witty and edgy sense of... You have to be good at what you're doing to do it for 30 plus years.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Like some other folks we've had here or some comedians who have been doing this for a long time, Chris Rock, Jerry Seinfeld, you have to be really good and you have to really enjoy the art and craft of stand-up. And that is not easy. Because like we've talked about with so many comedians on this show, this is not Led Zeppelin. You don't get to go and play your greatest hits.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
You have to keep coming up with new material. If Kathleen wants to sell out Ja. Ja. Like, bless your heart. hat die ganze Familie, überzeugt, aber nicht gesprochen, über die Frau, mit der sie gelebt hat, für 47 Jahre ihrer Leben, war nur ihr bester Freund.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Es war so katholisch. Ich meine, kurze Haare, beide von ihnen. Short hair. They would work out together. They had naked statues of women everywhere around their house. They both drove a Jaguar. I have never seen a more lesbian couple in my entire life. But no one ever said it out loud and everyone pretended like they were just best friends living together. And that's what they told the kids.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Oh, they're best friends. They live together. Now, I also lived with my best friend, too, who was a guy. But that lasted for about six months until the apartment got too smelly, too full of beer cans. Too much biohazard material around. Until we forgot to pay rent and then we got kicked out. I mean, this was not that. These two were definitely married, essentially, for so many years.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And it was a loving relationship. And I'm not saying that's Kathleen. I'm not saying she's trying to hide the fact of anything. But Aunt Sandy was so funny. Because I think she had this different perspective on life. And her comedy was sly, biting, under, it was just quiet. It was quiet comedy. And if you didn't, if you weren't picked, she was so smart too.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And if you weren't picking up on it, then you may not have known that Aunt Sandy was actually making fun of you. But I quickly caught on to it. And I loved it. Everything about Aunt Sandy was awesome to me. I really enjoyed it. Including the statues of the naked ladies all around her house. It was my favorite house to go to.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
And I don't think my mom brought us over there very often because of all the naked ladies hanging around. All the pictures and portraits of nude women all around the house. Anyway, you get what I'm saying. Okay, KathleenMadigan.com, links in the show notes. Chrissy, let's do this.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Why do we not take a break and then when we get back through the magic of this awkward transition phase and telepodcasting, we'll bring Kathleen Madigan on from wherever in the world she is. I think Nashville. We'll grab her, we'll talk to her, we'll keep her here as long as we can. Like a hostage situation, we'll keep her here just as long as we can. Yes, let's do it.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Und danke, Kathleen, dass du mitgekommen bist. Wir haben es wirklich gefreut.
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
Was hast du unter dir? Was ist unter dir? Das ist Granit unter dir? Oder was ist da unten?
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TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
So you take your chances. $200,000, that's a lot of money. That could go to good news somewhere else. You get a pool. I mean, you get a pool for $200,000. You got a pool over there in Nashville?
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Kathleen Madigan
You'll be fine from the tornado. Do you live in the city of Nashville? Are you like city proper?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Not just standing there like a loony. That is the point that you made that I thought was pretty prescient. And we had this conversation in the studio a couple of weeks ago. We were kind of talking about how some of my children are now listening to Michael Jackson because Michael Jackson is in some of these cartoon movies that he's got, like he's got, you know, the bad thriller and stuff like that.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And I was like, I wonder if that's, you know, I wonder if I should have any feelings about that. But I really don't because sometimes it's important to separate the art from the artist. And you said something interesting. I'm not going to butcher your joke, but you said something interesting. I don't follow Kanye on Twitter. I follow him on Spotify. And I think that was a really well done joke.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
That is a prescient point. Like all artists are fucking Looney Tunes. Looney. Looney Tunes. All of them.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
went last night and saw bill murray and his blood brothers the band so bill murray singing playing drums and tambourine very poorly i'm a cowbell yeah bill murray the comedian comic actor yeah comic actor it was crazy he's got like an eight piece band that he travels that he travels well let's be real about this it's the band it's the band with bill murray How was it?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It was actually entertaining. I give it that. I think that's a good way to put it. It was entertaining. I don't want to knock it because we had a ton of fun.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
But this is a $5 cover band anywhere else without Bill Murray. This is the house band at some cheap bar that serves $5 drafts. That's what it is. But they were talented, no doubt.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And Kendrick Lamar was there. And so was Donald Trump and Taylor Swift. We'll get into all of that tomorrow in detail. But wow, what a blowout.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I don't want my artists. If they're not a little bit insane, do you know what I'm saying? Take away all the, all the people have done shit, all the artists who have done shitty, crazy things and go and take your, your, I don't know, your Spotify playlist or your CDs or your albums or whatever, go take them and throw them in the garbage and you will have nothing left. There's nothing else there.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It's true. It's true. So tell me about the traveling.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Do you think, while we're talking about Kanye, are you under the assumption, I am, that he's just trolling everybody? Yes. That that's just like a master troll? Yes, 100%.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
The Philadelphia Eagles. Manhandled Patrick Mahomes. They did. Manhandled Mahomes. Probably the best quarterback certainly of our, you know, in this time period. Shocking. It really was. I don't know the first fucking thing about football and I was shocked.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So that was a failure. It's true. I think it's illegal in some parts of the world to have that mustache, actually, isn't it? In Germany, I think. Really? I think frowned upon. I think frowned upon. Yeah. Germans got super sad. I do know for a fact that you cannot have the name Adolf anywhere in Germany. That's a name that you cannot put on a birth certificate. Really? He ruined it. He did.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
One bad egg. One super bad egg. Yeah. Yeah. What's going to happen to all the Donalds out there of 150 years for an hour? The Joes. What are we going to do, Chrissy, when we can't name our kids Donald or Joe anymore? You have an excellent podcast called You Be Trippin'. It's really good. What gave you the premise? Actually, I have to say this.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Ari, you've been doing podcasting a lot longer than people have known about podcasting. Weren't you on Rogan's episode number two or three or something?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it's been around for 15 years. When did you do your first podcast? Like 2010, right?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
It really is. I think that if you're a comedian, an entertainer, I mean, it's just a thing you have to do. It's a rubber stamp. You have to get a podcast.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
When we did our first podcast and we would, I mean, this is five or six years ago. We come from radio. We worked in radio back in the...
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
at the tail end of the demise of what was radio you brought it down you killed it that's true luckily we weren't on air we were on the business side of things so it was even shittier on the sales side than it was on the on air side you thought the on air guys were buffoons you should have seen some of the people we worked with I mean used car sales yeah that must have been great local radio and the people that came at you guys oh yeah wow it was entertaining
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, you're like going to a dry cleaner and begging them to spend $1,000 on two spots that are clearly or might bring them some business. But you have to be convinced that this is it. And knowing damn well that every other radio station in town is every other person in town has come to them. Calling on them, yeah. We used to hear stories that in radio, when we got into, this was like 2005, 2006.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
During the second quarter, I was like, well, this is over, I guess. I guess we're just going to all sit here and watch the Eagles. It honestly looked like a high school team playing a flag football team. It was unbelievable how the Eagles tore them apart in every aspect of the game. What do they have, like 100 yards of total offense or something like that?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
So right when podcasting was coming online. That's right. We worked for Clear Channel and what is now iHeartRadio. They didn't even have an app yet. Like it was coming online when we were starting. So we used to hear stories about the heyday back in the 90s where they would have a margarita machine next to the fax machine. Next to the cocaine. Next to the cocaine.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And the fax machine would just ring all day. People just sending an order. Tens of thousands of dollars worth of radio because that was kind of the only game in town. You were either doing TV or radio and TV was prohibitively expensive. Yeah. But by the time we got there, things were a little bit different.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Sounds great. Congratulations on you. That sounds good for you. But I think comedy right now is kind of seeing a renaissance. It has. Oh, yeah.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah. In Berlin, there's mobs every show. Do you yourself do a lot of traveling for comedy? Yeah. I mean, besides here, like the continental United States. Do you do a lot of traveling outside the U.S.?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And I don't even know what that means, Chrissy. I don't even know what that means.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
They don't grow it naturally. Everything there has got to be imported, right? So that's probably why it's some of the worst cocaine.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Yeah, it was 23 to nothing and 30 to nothing within the third. Anyway, TCB Infomercial Tuesday. You're not here to listen to football and listen about football. I know that if you're here to hear Brian talk about football, change the channel. Not going to do it.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Where are they getting the cocaine from? It's certainly not coming from South America. China, probably, I would imagine. Where does Europe get their cocaine? From Africa. Oh, really? Yeah. I think they ship it over and they run it through Africa. We went to Sevilla, Spain for a wedding, which is near the Cape. So you could take a boat over to Africa.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And one of the guys was telling me that Sevilla, while a beautiful and pretty tame town in general, is known to have a lot of drug running through it. People will take over those boats, those ferries. Because it's on
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
the water yeah because it's on the water and they'll then they'll run drugs up into uh europe into spain yeah on a ferry on a ferry and and great britain's appetite for cocaine has grown exponentially so there's a lot of drug running that goes around that goes on through spain so that they can get it up to europe i know all about the cocaine and don't ask me why it's not because i spent 10 years of my life staring at myself in a mirror on the table
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Hey, man, that guy over there, he's a cokehead. Yeah? Really? I'm going to go.
The Commercial Break
TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I'll talk to him. I'll be back in two to three hours. We're going to go to the bathroom together.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
you didn't know what cocaine was and you're like why is everyone's bladder so small everyone just keeps getting up I've been to those parties yeah before you knew what it was only parties I went to for a long time right yeah I was a manager at a bar and you would it was just clear as day if you knew what to look for and I did because it takes one to know one right if you knew what to look for you would know and then of course you always had the local dealer you know the guy that sits
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
They sit at the bar. They sit at the bar and you just kind of keep them in check a little bit. You're like, hey, don't be so obvious about it, you know, because it's good for business. Yeah, be less obvious about your cocaine. We talked to Steve O. It was like a couple, I don't know, a year, year and a half ago.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
And Steve was telling us that when he was getting high, he had a night with Mike Tyson where they did two eight balls of cocaine. They sat in a Las Vegas bar.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
uh tcb infomercial tuesday with ari shafir he is here with us i'm so excited to talk to ari ari is a noted comic who has many specials out there he's been doing this for a very long time a podcaster longer than i guarantee you and i have even known what i've known about podcasts for a long time i guarantee he was doing it long before we even heard the word on the bandwagon he has He has.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
bathroom for four hours eight balls of cocaine him and mike tyson he told this story and for like five minutes i didn't say a word my jaw was on the floor i was like think about being in a room coked up with a certified killer a small room and i know mike see you know he seems now like a very self-reflective smart you know empathetic human being but there was a time this is hope mike
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Tell me what your favorite place to visit is. Like all the places you've been, what is your favorite?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I love that. Hey, that's incredible. Is Iceland one of the favorite places that you've been?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
I've heard Berlin is like the wildest party scene on earth.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
That's incredible. I like sometimes watching videos about the Berlin club scene because it's just wild. It's like literally an old steel factory, 15 football fields large, not a space in between the human beings. There's 10,000 people in there and they're all just fucked up and getting down. And it feels, even when you're watching the videos, it feels liberating. You're like, oh, wow.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
2015, I think, is when he started his first podcast. He's made many appearances on many different podcasts, including The Rogan Show, Tom Segura's podcast. And then he's got his own podcast called You Be Trippin', which is very good.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
We visit Spain a lot. And, you know, Spain is also another liberated country. You walk on any of the beaches there and you're certainly going to see tits, if not the whole thing. And they don't care. There's literally children right next to the nude women. It's just part of the culture. They're not hung up on all the stuff we are. Yeah. But I learned the first time. Wear sunglasses.
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that is a little bit weird but there you know there's like this separatist culture sometimes that goes on in Spain because there is a whole part the Basque country in Spain that is a different universe and they speak a different version of you know they in some parts they speak a different language almost I mean it's a dialect but it's almost a different language but there's a separatist like Basque country is different than the rest of Spain and you need to be mindful sometimes about what you know what you say and who you're with
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It's really funny. Now on my fourth episode, and I've really been enjoying it. I just listened to the one with Jim Gaffigan, which I thought was really good. Wait, did you listen? Harland. I listened to the Harland. Oh, you listened to the Harland? You listened to Harland Williams? Williams. OK, well, we'll talk more about that with Ari. And now he's got his brand new Netflix special is out.
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I like in Texas, Texas to America is what Basque Country is to Spain. They believe they're a different country. Everybody says they're a different country. They don't sometimes follow the same rules. There's just a long history in Spain of... civil disobedience and unrest and stuff like that. The Spanish Civil War was not too long ago, actually.
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My brother-in-law just moved there, and he comes back, and he's like, Texas is great. I'm like, dude, first of all, you're Venezuelan. Second of all, you just came from Venezuela. Don't act like you know Texas is a different country.
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I know, but he's got it. He's only been there for two weeks, and all of a sudden, Texas needs to separate from the United States. And I'm like, dude, come on. Really? Don't be like that. Don't be like that. Get in the country first and then go from there. Who's your favorite guest on UB Trippin' and what's the favorite story you've heard on UB Trippin' so far?
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That's been some good ones. That's a really good one. Yeah, you've had some interesting guests on this. Harlan Williams, by the way, has that Disney money. He's got that Puppy Dog Pals cash. Puppy Dog Pals. What is that from? That's the name of the show. You wouldn't know this unless you had young kids. Yeah, it's Puppy Dog Pals.
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America's Sweetheart. This one is got me. That one had me rolling on the floor.
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He created it and he does the voices or a few of the voices in this show called Puppy Dog Pals, which took over this. Like now it's Bluey. It's all about Bluey. But a cycle ago, it was all Puppy Dog Pals all the time.
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on uh disney jr yeah and it was created by harland and i think he wrote a lot of the stories so and you know i it was like harland williams you could hear the voice you could un you recognize the voice instantaneous you had talker carlson on i didn't listen to the episode but that was an interesting get
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He is really good at what he does. So Ari is here. We're going to talk all about it. He's also got his farewell tour. I'd like to get to the bottom of that. Why is he faring well?
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We're going to find out. Will this be an eagle? No pun intended. Will this be an Eagles type situation? Where Ari just says it's farewell and then he comes back seven or eight times? Or is this the nail in the coffin for Ari Shafir? We will find out, Chrissy. Yes, we will. Because I will go right at him. I'm going to ask him the tough questions. Like, why are you calling this the farewell tour?
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I would fall victim to this if I'm being real honest. If I'm being real self-reflective, I would fall victim to this because I see the word Tucker Carlson and I feel a certain type of way. And then I'm like, okay, not going to listen to that. I'm not going to let it get under my skin, right? It doesn't make me discount the conversation. It doesn't make me discount you.
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It's just like, I just don't care for Tucker Carlson. But I do like what you're saying. Yeah, he's a great traveler. You know who we had on? I don't know if you've ever seen the guy, Channel 5 News, Andrew Callahan. You don't watch political stuff, but there's a guy on YouTube named Andrew Callahan, and he made a documentary on HBO called This Place Rules. Anyway, he's a kid. He's not a kid.
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He's in his 20s. He started out as a kid. Yeah, he's got millions of dollars. Is that All Breaks, No Gas? All Gas, No Breaks. All Gas, No Breaks, yeah.
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Yeah, so we had him on last week, right? Oh, cool. And this show is not political. We call it the commercial break. Take a break from all the bullshit. Great. That's my whole special. Yeah. There you go. That's my whole special's point. Great. I love it. And your special is great. And it does...
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do that particular ethos a lot of justice but we had him on and one of the reasons why I had him on even though we don't talk about politics because Andrew is saying we have to get to the reasons why people are so divisive and stop talking about and stop harping on the talking points that are making it so divisive we're not getting anywhere with that and so he put out a new documentary does a really good job of kind of like you know uncovering why people are getting to this point and who they are as human beings because we're
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Everybody, you know, we can't go on forever just fucking at each other's throats. We have to, there has to be some conversation. You make an interesting point. Let's take him away from the thing that's making him divisive and just make him, there's humanity there. Let's talk about it. We have some shared interests. So congratulations.
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Yeah. Well, we didn't talk about politics for four, five years almost. Then we said the word and then the election came and we felt that it was just like too big of a story to ignore. We had to say something, but we didn't bash anybody. We just said, you know, Trump's
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president and even though he wasn't our choice uh we wish we hope that everything goes well and you would not believe that within a heartbeat we had reviews of people we're not i'm never listening to you again you bash trump and it's like i didn't bash trump that's not what i did i just said that he wasn't my choice but yeah so everyone's this round up like it's it's crazy i don't think you can change it you want to change it you can't change i think you just gotta focus on yourself and just be like you know the starfish thing no what's that those two guys walking on the beach and um
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If you're looking for hard-hitting interview styles where Brian talks over the guests the entire time, this is your place, my friends. This is your place. But before we get to that, I have one note. Chrissy and I last week went and saw Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers. Long time coming.
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Yeah. You, you, you know, the guy, uh, Dr. Wayne Dyer passed away a couple of years ago. You see me on PBS all the time. Bald guy is, you know, anyway, he calls himself Dyer. Yeah, he did. He had this saying, it said, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at start to change. Right. And, um,
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I think that's what you're saying, essentially, and focus on the things that are good instead of the things that divide us. You're getting me.
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I didn't expect to feel this way about this interview. I'm having feelings. I had this friend who moved to Los Angeles, and he goes, he hated it.
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It is true because there is, you know, I don't want to get like too woo woo here on this particular podcast. I'll do that in my own personal life. But at the end of the day, the metaphysical becomes the physical. So if you are wishing the negative, if you are talking about it constantly, you're going to manifest and focus on those things.
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I got these tickets for my brothers and for my father to go see Bill Murray, who the entire family just really enjoys Bill Murray. And we're from Chicago. There's some connections there. So my dad has been kind of putting Bill Murray in front of us since we were little kids in the early years of Saturday Night Live, all of his movies, Caddyshack. Of course, we can go on and on.
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It's not to say that you can just think yourself into being a millionaire. I don't believe that. But if you can't also, you can certainly think yourself out of being a millionaire. Do you know what I'm saying? You can certainly focus on the negative and stay depressed and lazy and unmotivated.
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Yeah. And I take this stance that, you know, in this country, at least, we have the freedom to vote for who we want to. And no matter who is in office, and you're right, the pendulum swings one way or the other. You can make fun of them. You can make fun of them. Yeah. And you can wish them well.
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You can not like the things that they do, but you can also agree that when they do things that are good for you or that you agree with, you should applaud those efforts because that is the way that the country works. Actually, rooting for someone to fail is rooting for negativity in general. Yeah, I like that.
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Sure. I would. I would. If Trump came in the room today, I would not leave.
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Just don't follow it. I agree with you 100%. We said this during the campaign, and while this was not the platform for it, but if either of those candidates had said, you know, hey, I'll have a conversation with you, how could you at least not have that conversation, right?
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How could you at least not want to talk to them and try and get inside of their heads or have a conversation that might be meaningful or maybe even lead to some change? If you could get Biden...
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We'll take him to a German sex club. We'll have him both hands naked with socks on. If it's me, I'm bringing him ayahuasca. If it's me, I'm bringing him ayahuasca. I saw the most interesting reel one time. This guy had made an AI. He had said, what if Trump did ayahuasca? He made an AI reel about the evolution of Trump if Trump did ayahuasca.
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He was in Stripes, which is one of the funniest fucking movies ever. That is Bill Murray at his zenith, in my opinion. Either that or What About Bob? It just depends on which style you like. You could go Lost in Translation. Oh, Groundhog Day.
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And it turned him into it went through all these pictures and photographs as he went from like this stern, grumpy, you know, kind of vengeful guy into this loving, caring hippie where his hair grew out and he was shirtless.
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And he was sitting there like this, going like this. And I thought to myself, it could fucking happen. It could fucking happen. If a guy wants to do ayahuasca, Trump, if you want to do ayahuasca, I know a guy who knows a guy. I'm just saying. We can do it together. You know a shaman.
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If we had the, if every, I mean, listen, ayahuasca is not to be toyed with. She is a fickle bitch, right? But if those who are ready would do it, I think that we probably have a little bit. We could start with Molly. We could start with Molly.
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If everyone can see how the ego is driving us all fucking up a wall, then I think most of us would agree.
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addicted to mushrooms oh my god what a silly what a silly thing to think do some mushrooms you'll understand you're not doing that every tuesday night right um hey ari i wanted to ask you something are you taking a break yeah i'll get a good travel for a while oh are you good for you good yeah i'm gonna put it i'm gonna sell all my stuff and uh
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Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters 2. Every single Wes Anderson movie he's been in. Love those. Which was the one about the school, the kid in the school?
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I'll text you. You're texting my wife, so I'll text you back. I'm keeping it close. Oh, no disrespect. I was just trying to rearrange the... Hey, I just want to rearrange the meeting.
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Yeah, I agree with you. And I think that you doing that indicates you have some level of mental health because so many people, including myself, will just work yourself into a frenzy and just keep on going and just keep on going. I'll put it off. I'll do it next year.
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And even though I do do a lot of traveling, I can understand that it must be really difficult to take a pause and say, I'm actually going to take this year off and I'm just going to... Take care of myself. I'm going to do some traveling. I'm going to go and do what I want to do. Enjoy the fruits of my labor.
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Royal Tenenbaums was fantastic, but there was the one about the school. Anyway, you get it. He's been in a ton of those. So Chrissy and I went and saw Bill Murray and the Blood Brothers, or as we found out, the Blood Brothers, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, with Bill Murray playing the tambourine. And the cowbell. And the cowbell. And he sang a few songs.
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And you know what? You're going to come back and probably create the best special that you've created because you're going to have perspective to work on it. Cut your teeth, conferences, experiences, meeting people. Yeah. And you're going to dry the market. You're going to dry the RE market out. There's going to be no supply. You'll build up demand. There you go. Exactly. Exactly.
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If you don't see me now, you're not going to see me for quite a while. Yeah. Right. You got to think about it that way. Ari, this is a conversation. We can talk forever. We can talk forever. This is a conversation I didn't expect, actually. And I'm so glad that we had an opportunity to do it. I love it. Yeah. I play a heel online, so. Yeah. If you talk to me, it's like, oh.
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Well, actually, I never thought ill of you. I just was, you know, I was curious about some things. Like, oh, I wonder why Tucker Carlson. Yeah, Tucker Carlson seems like an interesting choice. But you watch your special and it's clear that you're on the team of common sense, humanity, and being pragmatic about the way that you look at the world.
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And I can appreciate you said, hey, listen, I don't watch the fucking news. Haven't in years. That's something I wish I could do. But I really appreciate your perspective. And I've enjoyed this conversation. Yeah, that's good. We're going to see you in March. America's sweetheart. Okay.
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I will text you. We will be there for sure. Thank you very much for the offer. We'll take you up on it. I want to come see you. If I can talk to Molly for you, I will, but I'm just coming into town. Well, listen, you're coming into town, so we'll take care of it. We'll take care of you. Okay? This is our turn. Let us treat you.
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And when you wake up the next morning, we'll take you for some fantastic breakfast at burgers.
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If you can see straight. Listen, we just went to Bill Murray last night. Chrissy and I did. And we're lucky Chrissy showed up today. That's all I got to say. Oh, really?
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Ari's brand new special, America's Sweetheart, is now streaming on the mega comedy platform, The Netflix. And he's also got his podcast, You Be Trippin', available on Apple Podcasts, wherever you find your, wherever you're listening to this podcast, you can check out his. It is a fascinating podcast. I've listened to a couple of episodes. I will now go listen to the Tucker episode.
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I will hide in the corner and listen. I'm granting myself permission. Go to the Harland one too. That's the one I'm actually interested in listening to is the Harland one. Ari, we'll see you in a couple of weeks. You are welcome back anytime, my friend. Thank you so much. Enjoy Nashville. And thanks for your perspective. Appreciate it.
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We'll talk more about that later on this week also. But I thought there was an interesting little through line there when last night I was watching the Super Bowl, the big game as they call it, Chrissy, down in the Big Easy, if you don't mind. And Bill Murray popped on for about 15 seconds and gave his email address.
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Wow. Did not expect that conversation from Ari. And I'm sure I'm glad that we had him on because I have a new level of fandom for Mr. Ari. And I can't wait to see him. I hope that we get to go to the show here in Atlanta. I'm going to have Astrid text him, so don't get too excited. If he gives us tickets, we're going to go. Maybe even if he doesn't give us tickets, then we'll go regardless.
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I don't think I've ever seen comedy at the Tabernacle. Oh, you haven't? No, I've never seen comedy at the Tabernacle.
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You saw Joe Rogan at the Tabernacle? Rachel and I, yeah. Really? Yeah. How long ago? Years ago. Really?
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It was? All right. There you go. Look at that. Chrissy's at the tabernacle watching.
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That is. It was my part of town for a long time, too. But then you get kids and you go north. That's what happens. Everybody goes north when they have kids. For understandable reasons. There's more land. You got, you know, whatever. Anyway, I don't want to get into all the local politics here. But Ari was, I thought, a very fascinating character. Me too. Really funny.
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And I'm so glad that we had a chance to have him on. And I hope he does come back. That could have been a conversation that went on for two hours, if I'm being honest. But we don't get that much time with guests. We're no Joe Rogan. Ari will spend four hours with Joe, but he won't spend one hour with us. Thanks, Ari. Appreciate it. I'm kidding, of course.
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All right, so all of Ari's information is going to be down in the show notes. I would certainly appreciate it if you go check out his new special, and I know he would too, America's Sweetheart, his tickets to his farewell tour.
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Did you know it's called his farewell tour? I did.
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I thought that was interesting that we just did a farewell episode a couple days ago, and now look at that. Ari's here doing his farewell tour.
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I wish him... Good for him. That sounds fun. When I saw that he was taking a break, when I listened to his podcast, and then I kind of put two and two together... Which is called You Be Trippin'. You Be Trippin', yeah. When I saw that he was taking a break, the first thing that I thought was, oh, I hope there's no health issues or anything like that.
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I hope he's not taking off because there's something that he needs to go do health-wise. But by all indications, he's just going to... Do it. Soak it all up. Enjoy life. And he's right. He's right about this. You should do that before you get to the villages, not after you get to the villages.
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Because there are so many times that I'm traveling and with older people or I see older people and they're not having the time of it that they could have had had they done this 30 years earlier. That's not no knock on them. It's just like... He's right. I don't want to be that person.
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I would rather do it now, have the memories, and then do what I can when I get older than wish that I had done all of that and trying to do it as I get older. Ari Schaefer, very funny. All the information in the show notes as it always is. Thank you very much for coming in, Ari. We certainly do appreciate it. Yeah. AriShafer.com, America's sweetheart. Tickets on sale now and you be tripping.
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Bill himself at Yahoo.com. Now... I know I was getting tricked, but I had to go along with it anyway. You wanted to see. I had to take the chance that we might actually be emailing Bill Murray. That Bill might have spent four and a half million dollars just to have people email him so he could fuck around, right? Because that's the kind of guy that Bill is. He doesn't have a cell phone.
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Right. Yeah. Yeah, you got a doobie? Can I hit that? I got any shrooms? These people were talking about their cataracts. Or doing the Trump dance. There's a couple guys doing the Trump dance. Well, I mean, Bill himself is 74 years old. He's no spring chicken. But he looked good out there. I do have to give it to him. He looked good out there. He went full bore the whole time.
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Well, you know, I don't want to down on Bill because I know he's doing his thing. But it's clear that what Bill did is he found a band that he really, really likes. And he said, I want to help you guys out a little bit.
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I'll sell the tickets. You guys take the cash. I'll be at the Ritz. You'll be at the Red Roof Inn. I'll take the private plane. You take the tour bus rented at U-Haul. You guys do the load in, load out. I'll be there 15 minutes before the show starts. But, you know, hey, listen, I'm sure if I'm in the Blood Brothers, I'm not complaining one bit. I've been doing this all my life.
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I like shitty little dive bars. And finally, I'm selling out bigger venues. And it doesn't matter because now I get to hang out with Bill Murray. And I'm sure there are some stories to tell. Oh, to be backstage at the Bill Murray show. All right. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822.
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Text us questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, or leave us a voicemail and you can be on the next episode of the commercial break. Make it short. Make it brief. Don't say your name if you don't want your name heard.
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He doesn't have an agent. He only has a home phone that he never answers. Apparently in Charleston that Chrissy and I have tried to dial a number of times. We did. And an email address is like one of the only ways that you can get a script over to Bill. It's like there's story after story after story about how hard it is to try and get Bill Murray to be involved in anything.
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So I thought, who the fuck still has a Yahoo address? I know. Who? No one. So clearly this is his real email address because this is the way Bill Murray would have done it. Fax machine and Yahoo email address. That's clearly what's got to be going on here.
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So I emailed that fucking email address, and what comes back is the strangest fucking story about him seeing a dog in the mirror, and then he had to go to the vet to get checked out. It's like a really weird, convoluted, complicated marketing scheme, I guess is the best way to put it, for Yahoo Mail. An effort to bring back Yahoo. It's not going to happen.
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We all have bad memories of our Yahoo accounts. We're not going back there. We all have bad memories of not being able to email, not understanding what email is, and Nigerian email scammers. We all have a bad memory about trying to get $14 million out of South Africa. Okay? We all have it. Everyone's got that story because Yahoo put us in that position. And I'm sorry, Yahoo. I'm not going back.
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If I show up to a meeting, any meeting, even though I'm a dumb, mediocre comedy podcaster, if I was to show up to a meeting and say, yeah, my email address is brianpodcast at yahoo.com. People would laugh me out of the room. There's no serious person in the world that still has a Yahoo email address. Is there?
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Oh, don't even get me started on AOL. I actually just emailed with a guy who had an AOL email address.
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I think AOL is still sending out those disks for free hours of internet. Download now. And then it would take you three hours to get the disk to load onto your computer. Yeah, listen, those were the early pioneers of the internet, but they just kind of mishandled the whole situation. Didn't Yahoo get bought by somebody? I don't know. I had a friend who worked for Yahoo for the longest time.
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He was like, he would make... banner ads for Yahoo. Sure. Not for their clients, but for Yahoo. And he would make like the tiles that would show up on the homepage. And he was really good at what he did. He was like a really good designer. And Yahoo paid him a dick shit of money to do this day after day, night after night. He would create them like five in a day.
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And Yahoo apparently was a great company to work for. But somewhere along the way, Yahoo fell out of favor. And I don't know How that happened.
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We all migrated to Google, where now they just, I don't know, it just says Google on it. It doesn't give you any information. It just says Google.
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But Yahoo was so embedded in my life that I remember feeling, you know, there's like certain brands that you buddy up to. You really feel like, you know, you're... You're there. That's my brand. Yeah. Like Bud Light was my brand for a while. Right. I really liked Bud Light. I wouldn't drink anything else if I had the choice. I was a Bud Light guy.
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When I walked in and I saw that blue box, I knew that was mine. And I she knew I was hers and I knew she was mine. You know, that kind of thing. Yahoo. I had that same sentiment with for a while because, you know, Jam Land Productions at Yahoo dot com. by the way into um was it music live music production yes we would put on festivals and live edm concerts at clubs
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We're a little bit ahead of our time with that one. But jamlandproductions at yahoo.com, probably still out there somewhere, I would imagine. But I felt like some kinship with Yahoo because they were my email service provider. Sure. But I think once I got a Blackberry, it just all turned to shit. I thought, I don't need that Yahoo anymore. But, you know, strange thing about Jam Land Productions.
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That name is actually still alive and kicking with the... I'm sure. With Pete. Oh, right.
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He's still putting on shows under the name Jam Land Productions. There you go.
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We must. You know who else is putting on shows? Who's that? Ari Shaffir is putting on shows. He's on tour. He's on his farewell tour. He's hitting a bunch of different cities, including Atlanta. So we'll have to have a conversation with him about that. We'll angle for free tickets. We'll see what happens. Ari is very popular. He's got many specials out there on YouTube.
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You can go to arishafir.com for all of the information. I will put links in the show notes. You can also check out his new special, America's Sweetheart, which is doing apparently well on Netflix. It pops up I don't know if Netflix just, like, throws those things in front of me. It's probably an algorithm, right? Yeah, it is. You like this, so you'll like that.
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I've read about it a while back, yeah. All right. They're fucking with me like the rest of the internet is? It's all an algorithm. Well, anyway, you might have to go searching for it, but Ari Shaffir has a new special called America's Sweetheart, and it is very good. You should go watch it.
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We're going to talk to Ari about all of his comings and goings and maybe ask him about a few pop culture things and see what, take his, get his temperature.
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We'll take a break, Chrissy. Let's do this. Let's take a break and then do the magic of telepodcasting. We're going to have Ari right here in studio, on that TV, live and in person in front of us. We get to ask all the questions. Are you have your questions ready? I'm down with it. Yeah. Take notes. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Ari, thanks so much for joining us today. We really appreciate it.
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Thanks, guys. Thank you very much. You're in the beautiful city of Nash Vegas right now?
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Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's a nice, red town. Where do you go when you're in Nashville? What's your favorite honky tonk to head out to?
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You're doing a number of shows in Vegas, huh? I mean, in Nashville, huh?
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TCB Infomercial: Ari Shaffir
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Nate is clean as a whistle. When I watched his recent special, I talked about it here on the air. It's clean as a whistle. It's a different kind of comedy than I'm normally listening to. Yeah, me too. But I thought he did an excellent job. He's really good at his craft. But so are you. America's Sweetheart is an excellent, excellent set of comedy. You did a really good job.
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I thought it was really funny. Congratulations on it.
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Yeah, I agree. I agree with something you said. I wanted to point this out because we were talking about Kanye the other day and his young lady running down the red carpet.
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A hundred percent. You're saying there is no sacred ground anymore.
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Once your vag is out, then there's nothing else left to the imagination. I mean, why even? It's just news. Why even have the thing? We asked the same question. Which I'm for. Yeah. What is it pushing? What agenda is it pushing? Obviously, you're there to get cameras. I know one thing it's pushing.
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It did. That was the purpose. And that's what, you know, that's what Kanye does very well is he gets people talking. And I was telling Chrissy here, I said, this is the first time my wife has ever sent me a nude photograph of a woman that was not her. So mark the time, mark the place. She was like, did you see this? And I see it. I'm zooming in.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on a Tuesday after the Super Bowl. One of the most uneventful Super Bowls in history. I mean, eventful in the sense that it happened and there were commercials.
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For like 15 minutes, Rolling Stone had the unedited photograph on their Instagram. And I'm sure everybody took a screenshot like I did. But now when Astrid looks at my phone and she sees a nude woman, I'll be like, you sent it to me.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Aw, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. TCB Infomercial Tuesday with yet another repeat customer, Kelsey Cook. I can't believe it. Seeing her moment. Someone's agreed. She's seeing her moment.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
We have these conversations all the time. We have these DeLulu conversations all the time. Chrissy and I do. Like, there are steps you can take to move outside of the RSS feed, so to speak. Like, we live very much in this RSS bubble. We do this show at our, you know, here in a local studio. And we live...
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regular lives outside of this but there are lots of podcasters mainly comedians who do this out there who have this level of fame and success where i think that their lives are altered because they are outside the rss feed outside of that bubble and so christy and i often say what would it be like to live outside that bubble or if we took steps to live outside of that bubble and i can see what you're saying because maybe your life changes in a way that doesn't feel um
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Like it sounds great, but then when it happens, maybe it's not. Like when you can't go to the grocery store without people asking for an autograph or take a picture or can you do a reel with me or whatever, people start to get this sense of, you know, they want to encroach on a universe that's been exclusively yours or you and your boyfriends. And that feels good to you.
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It feels good to go out, get the adoration, do what you do, kill it, and then come home and be a normal person.
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She's having her moment. She's coming on the show even though she's much more popular than she was even just six months ago, which I find hard to believe. Thank you, Kelsey.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
That's all I gotta say. That's all I gotta say. Prince never moved out of Minneapolis. That's all. That's all you gotta say. He literally made Minneapolis like ground zero for...
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
It's on my list. Okay, so your new special. Fantastic. Everybody here has watched it. It's so funny. It's like required reading around here. Beginning to end. Solid. Thank you. And I'll say this. The ladies, including Astrid, Tina, Chrissy, all just raved about this special. I think it really resonates. And I thought it was very funny also. I don't see you as the jealous type.
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That's like the biggest surprise eye opener of the entire special was like, she's not jealous. Is she a jealous type? She seems so mild mannered.
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No doubt that we played a huge role in her success, and I'd like to take credit for that, and I'd like her to admit that here on the show. That if it wasn't for the commercial break, she wouldn't, in fact, have a new special out on Hulu and YouTube. And if it wasn't for the fact that she came on the commercial break, she would not be as popular and making as much money as she is right now.
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I get it. Like, I am not at all... I mean, I think I was more of a jealous type in my 20s, but I just was never... I just never really... Like, okay, if you don't like me or if you're whatever with someone else, then I guess that's not... I think it's laziness is actually what it is. It's not too lazy to get involved in my own emotions about any of that stuff.
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But I do see what you're saying is that, you know, I love my wife... passionately and she's my one and I don't ever I don't want to do this again right I want yes we have I like what we have and this is the best I the best relationship I've ever been in and I all those things yeah and I do see what you're saying is I think it's maybe not jealousy it's protection
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Yes. I think that that has that can play into it, too. And by the way, you can have all the trust in the world. That doesn't mean you're not human. That doesn't mean that like the mind abhors a vacuum.
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And who is this bitch who's literally telling you to your face? Your boyfriend is hot.
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And when she admits that, I'll be happy. As long as she gives us tickets to her next appearance here in Atlanta. That's one thing we need to ask all our guests. If you come to Atlanta, backstage passes, drink tickets for the kids, and a bucket of popcorn.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
And he touched her in a moment of vulnerability, and I'm sure that she felt like that was, I'm putting words in her mouth, of course, but I suppose that what she felt was some sort of connection because in that moment, she felt like he reached out to her and said something nice.
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And, you know, when you're when there's a famous comic standing up there and then you and you admire their work and then they connect with you, it's like, oh, OK, I'm sure she meant it. Like, I love your husband in a way that he was very nice and I made a special connection with him.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Yeah. We were talking to Ari Shafir about this, about like the people in the first couple of rows, you know, and how they go to like a comedy show, you know, wherever it may be. They go to a comedy show and there's this sense that they understand, depending on who the comic is, that they could be a target of the comedy. Right. And like some people may enjoy that. Other people may not.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Yes. Those are our demands. That's our rider, Kelsey Cook. And I'll have you know that I will take no shit. I will take nothing less than free popcorn at your next event. KelseyCook.com is where you can find more information about Kelsey, all of her tour dates. She's on an extensive tour right now, so I'm sure she's coming somewhere close to you.
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But how they react in the moment, who knows? Right. It's like a big X factor. Right.
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Is there any interest? Has there been any discussion? This is a question, you know, that I probably shouldn't ask, but I'm going to ask. Has there been any conversation around getting married? Or is this just like, we're here, we're doing it. We don't need to put it on paper.
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All right. I was just wondering if I needed to call Chad and...
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Yes. And so did you do this over... I mean, I don't want to give away all the magic, but was this a couple of nights that then you strung together? Or did you just do one night and then you had callbacks or...
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
And two shows in that night. So answer me this. I noticed that it's on two platforms. Is that right? Yes. It's on Hulu and YouTube. Okay, so why is that? I'm very curious as to why this is. I don't recall at least seeing this. This 800-pound gorilla, right?
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We've had a lot of comics on who've had specials on 800-pound gorilla. Good for them supporting good comedy. So why is it double-platformed?
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So go to KelseyCook.com to buy those tickets and the brand new special on Hulu and YouTube, which I'd like to ask her about.
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We got to spice it up. If we had every Yahoo with a YouTube special on, we'd do nothing but Yahoo's.
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Yeah, that's what we told Kyle Kinane. I said, hey, I'll have you on when you get on a streamer, okay?
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Well, I actually think it's a good idea, right? We talk about this a lot. It's like being multi-platformed is so important. And I think the more opportunity you have to get in front of eyeballs or ears or whatever it is to share your work, your creativity, you're taking a lot of time, energy, and effort. This is what you do. It comes from, I'm sure, a lot of like...
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A lot of internal strife and struggle and hard work. And you want as many people to see that as possible. Not everybody has access to Hulu. Not everybody can either afford it or has it or whatever the reason may be. And YouTube is such a jurganaut. I mean, they are...
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you know there there's more watching going on on youtube right now for the first time ever than any all the television platforms put together so youtube is a player in the market and so yeah i think it makes a lot of sense that you would put this out both has there been like generally positive feedback about this special i saw some i was reading through the comments on youtube which is where i watched it i was reading some of the comments and unbelievably
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Everybody here has watched the special. Everybody has given it a Michelin star, essentially.
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Like, most of them are so very good toward the special, and that's not... Like, YouTube is the cesspool in the comments section. I don't usually read it. But I saw a bunch of people were just raving about your special.
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Yeah. Because I would imagine, I don't know, but I would imagine, and after having talked to a lot of comics, that the money that you make, the living that you make, is by and large done through live shows. It's not like Hulu's paying you a million dollars for the rights to stream your specials. Right.
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You may get some money out of them or you and I would imagine that if I were in a comic and I was up and coming and, you know, or trying to make a break, I would might even say, you can have this special. Just put it on your platform. Like, just put it on your platform.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
And then if it does well, then we can talk about it in a year or whatever. Maybe we can do another special. So I can see how this is really a driver to get more people to show up where you really make your bread and butter, which is at the live shows.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
No, it's true. Yeah. No, it's true. You're right. She. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't know what else to say. I mean, Kelsey is she very much looks. She very much looks like a innocent, like a teacher or something.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Yeah. If you have 4 million views, you're not only putting some butts in seats, but then at the same time, you have some leverage to have those conversations with, you know, Disney executives. If I'm you and I'm trying to get on Hulu. Brian wants to be your manager. Yeah, I want to be your manager. Yeah. I'm so fascinated by the inner workings of all this.
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If I'm you, or if I'm managing you, here's what I'm saying. Kelsey will do this special for free, but I need an all expenses paid vacation to Disney World once a year, which is the equivalent of about a million dollars worth of...
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
net revenue yeah yeah corn dogs are 42 dollars you know those fucking pretzel heads those mickey pretzel heads they're like 15 dollars a piece i believe it it's insane it's insane um so you're out on tour currently where are where are you looking tell me about the places that you i mean i know you're not going to tell me that you don't like any places to go i get the the politics of that
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But tell me about the places. I'll tell you some places.
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Yes, of course I do. That's the more interesting conversation, but I'm trying to get my way in the back door here a little bit.
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It was a little dramatic, but in the fog of war, they don't know.
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Yeah. And that's that's no not. I mean, no knock on the way that she looks. She's beautiful. But I'm just saying when there's certain like when you look at Madison from Love is Blind.
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care a gun where someone's if someone's pointing a gun in an open mall I'm like fuck all that I just don't want anything to do with it and exactly and we do hear about this so often that it's a trigger word I think for everybody you know it's a real trigger word for for is for me as a parent Every time I hear the word school and gun, it happens frequently, right?
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Every time I hear that, I just go in sheer panic. Not because I think it's happening at the school my kids go to, but because it happens so often. Someday it could be the school that my kid goes to.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
So she looks like a troublemaker. Right. She just in those eyes, there are years of experience and she looks like a troublemaker. But when you look at someone like Kelsey, she seems like she could do no wrong. Right. She just seems like a very innocent, nice human being. But when you watch her special, you realize that there's some dirt behind those eyes. I'd like to talk to her about that, too.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Of course. Horrifying. During the winter, I'm sure that you must enjoy getting down to warmer places when you're traveling. Do you like arrange or have your manager arrange your tour schedule to get you to a few warm places?
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Yeah, come on. Let's get that manager to work.
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I just have an allergy to the cold weather. I really do. I mean, we live in Atlanta and it got cold down here, too. But, you know, for me, it's I grew up in Chicago and I think I've done my penance. I've done my time. I would rather stay down where it's just a little bit warmer if I can avoid that. Like, I don't I'm not interested in going on a ski vacation.
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People call me and, you know, people like texting. Hey, we're going to go skiing wherever. And I'm like, fuck that. You're going to go to be cold. You're going to go somewhere to be cold. No, thank you. I'll take my chances.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
It's the land of lakes. It's the land of lakes. I see it on my cream box every day when I make coffee and eat cereal. Land of lakes. That's us. I think that's where my cream comes from. I'd like to think so anyway. When I'm looking at my cream box, I just imagine a rolling field with snow.
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Cows. Butters being churned. Beautifully appointed. Churning butter. By hand. Yes. Here's a funny, like a little...
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funny side note i watched a couple of days ago like a national geographic special on antwick the coldest place on earth where people inhabit which is up in like i don't know somewhere in russia or one of the former ussr states oh yeah and it regularly is like minus 75 degrees fahrenheit there for like seven months a year what
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
And the kids can go to school if it's minus 53 or warmer, but they cannot go to school if it's minus 53 or colder. They eat for breakfast strawberries and churned whipped cream. That's like their meal because it's got so much fat in it. That's what they need to eat. And that's the only thing they can eat because it's the only thing that can stay fresh is the actual dairy that comes from it.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Of course, she's got the podcast also that she does with her boyfriend. She does with her. Yeah, she does with her boyfriend, Chad, who's also a very famous, very popular comedian. Hold on one second, because I'm looking at Hulu here. She's got a link on her website and I am trying to watch on YouTube. Hold on one second. Let me see if I can pull this up.
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the cows that i guess are able to survive in minus 75 degree fucking weather that sounds insane to me like the way these people live is like they might as well be on a spaceship somewhere near uranus i mean it doesn't make any sense to me again it has to be just generational that you grow up that's the only yeah they have nobody's going there the body tolerance for that yeah no one's visiting this town yeah um okay so you get out your i'm cold now yeah i know
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
So you get out your special and now is it do you find it? I'm sure in some ways it feels good creatively to go out there back on the road. And are you knocking around the new material planning the next special essentially?
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Yeah, I think I don't know who we were. We were talking to me, Sam Morrill, and he was explaining that, like, you know, Led Zeppelin can have one hit and go to her on that hit.
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But he was explaining that, you know, once the hour's out, I can no longer do that material. He's like, I can do some of the best, you know, I can do some of the greatest hits. I can, you know, repurpose a joke here and there or the thing that people like to hear, you know, their favorite, the favorite joke, quote unquote.
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He said, but by and large, I got to come up with a new hour because no one's going to pay to see, no one's going to pay 50 bucks to see me if they know they can watch it on Netflix. It's just not going to happen. Exactly. And that must be tough.
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Yeah, I don't know. I think that would be incredibly difficult to do. You look at Chris Rock. I mean, what would bring the pain was like, killed us all, right? Oh my God, Chris Rock's stalking the stage like that over and over. He didn't come out with a new special until like a decade later. It was like 10 years in between those specials. And he was afforded that opportunity.
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And what did he do in between? I don't know, a few movies and a television appearance here and there. And he just really paid off of that for a long time. But now I think the age of the Internet, because we're all so used to seeing new content every single minute. Social media. Yeah, that we can't just settle down and enjoy. You can't just enjoy what you want, listener.
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The Hustler is the one that she did a couple of years ago was The Hustler. And then Mark Your Territory is the new one. I wanted to mistakenly call it The Hustler, but it's Mark Your Territory is the new special. 800-pound gorilla who is supporting great comedy. 800-pound gorilla has a ton of comedy specials.
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You now get to demand that Kelsey come out with a new hour every 15 minutes. It's not a reasonable expectation. Watch her special and then go buy her tickets. See her do Stairway to Heaven.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Well, if you ever need any mediocre comedy to distribute on your social media platform, feel free to knock us up. We do like 60 of these shows a week. Oh, my gosh, you guys. Speaking of turning butter, this commercial break. That's for sure. That's amazing, though. Kelsey Cook, brand new special out on YouTube and on Hulu. Yeah.
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We would highly encourage all of our listeners to go listen to the special. And then regardless of whether or not Kelsey's going to do old material or new material, we encourage, and she'll do new material. It's all really funny. It's all funny. You laugh harder in person because that's the way that it is.
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Chad and I... Oh, sorry, go ahead. No, go ahead. You, please.
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Okay, now tell Chad to settle down. There's room for both of you at the top. You guys could be... This could be Desi and Arnaz, right? You know what I'm saying? You guys could be... You guys could be the next power couple out there. Speaking of Justin Timberlake, you could be Brit Lake. I saw you were at the Justin Timberlake concert. Was that you? Yes. Look at you. She's a JT fan.
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TCB Infomercial: Kelsey Cook Returns!
Huge JT fan. Lifelong, instant fan, all of it. I do bop my head to his music when the kids play it or Astrid plays it. I do. I can't say I'm the biggest fan, but there are a couple songs. Is it In the Mirror? Looking in the Mirror? Oh, Mirror, yeah. Oh, yeah. He played that on Saturday Night Live once with like a full horn section.
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And I don't know who those people are, but they're doing great work to support good comedians. And I say, yay, sir. Yay to you. So Kelsey will be on in just a few minutes. While we're at it, we'll talk more extensively about this later on in the week. But I wanted to share that on last week's show, we were talking about Love is Blind. Yes. I was talking about Madison.
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Yes, he was really funny on Saturday Night Live. And then he ran that stop sign in Montauk. And then the Hamptons. I know. And then we all turned on Justin. Uber.
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Kelsey, we're going to give you one piece of advice because we've done so many of these stories, it's not even funny. Uber, okay? Thank you. Uber.
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Yes. Tell that manager to get you a drink.
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Yeah, passing out and sleeping are two totally different things. You only know that once you get sober or once you've kind of cleaned up for a while. I haven't had... I don't drink. I mean, I don't drink like... I'm not a teetotaler. I would never, ever not have another drink. That's not, I don't go to AA meetings. But I haven't, because I have children, I haven't had drinks in a long time.
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I haven't gotten drunk in a long time. And I will tell you what, there is something about it that has been quite life altering in so many different ways that are easy to see now in hindsight, but would have been difficult to understand when I was drunk.
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You don't even want, like, it feels so good, you don't want to drink. Like, you're like, oh, I'll do it. Once you get out of the habit. Yeah, do you really want to wake up hungover tomorrow? No, probably not. Right. Because that kid's going to be bouncing on my face at five in the morning and I don't want to deal with it. Thank you, Kelsey. Please tell Chad we said hello. You are welcome here.
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Thank you, guys. Anytime, Kelsey. And we appreciate you coming back. You were one of the few who agreed to it.
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Well, thank you, Kelsey. We hope to see you again soon. Congratulations on all of this success from Chrissy and I and everybody here at TCB. It couldn't have happened to a better person. And onward and upward. This isn't the last stop. We're giving a eulogy, but it isn't the last stop. You're going to keep on going.
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And I was talking about how Madison was having a conversation with one of the guys in the pods. And one of the guys in the pods said,
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Ah, good old Kelsey Cook. I do enjoy me some Kelsey Cook. I do, too. Yeah, she's really, really sweet. She's solid. She's solid. But don't let that fool you. Go to watch her special with your kids' earmuffs on because she's good. I think one of my favorite jokes was using a bidet in the middle of Minneapolis in the winter. It's like getting local anesthesia on your asshole.
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Well, she'll probably unfollow us, too, after this appearance. But we do like Kelsey Cook, and KelseyCook.com is where you get more information about her tour, about her specials, and about her podcast that she shares with that boyfriend. I think maybe in the future, according to her, might be a husband, but we don't care. We like Kelsey either way. And Chad. And Chad.
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started to catch on to her shenanigans a little bit right he and he pushed back he said hey listen i don't think i could deal with the way that you handle things or that doesn't that's not the way that i would handle it that's not the way i would prefer to be handled and so well i don't conflicts i think it was conflicts attachment style yeah yeah conflicts then uh there was another question about sex there was another question about the way that you deal with um
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But Chad hasn't come on the show yet. No. What's up with Chad? Why didn't Chad, didn't we invite him on last time she was here? We said, hey, tell Chad if he wants to come on, he can come on.
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That's right. Yeah. Des Bishop, he's also got his own podcast.
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He was a repeat. Reggie Watts was a repeat. I think there are a couple more repeats. Some of your favorite guests coming back up because they can't get enough of the commercial break. Listen, they all want to be like Kelsey Cook. They all want their careers to go skyrocketing to the moon.
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Yes. Des Bishop, Reggie Watts, Kelsey Cook. Who will be next? Stay tuned. Stay tuned, you. More surprises to come. Anyway, KelseyCook.com. We appreciate her coming in. We really do. And she's welcome anytime. She's one of those. And Des and Reggie are one of those, too. There's lots of them, but there's a couple of them where you're like, yeah, of course. It's too easy to talk to you. I know.
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And then there's a couple that, you know. It's probably a mutual agreement that maybe not. Maybe the commercial break's not the place for me. And I would say, maybe not. You're right. I never thought I'd get to the day where I'd say, well, no thanks, celebrity. Don't come on the show.
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I don't think Heather McMahon is coming back on the show.
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Heather McMahon. Boom. Explosion. Hannah Burner. Kelsey Kirk. Career explosion. In a good way. Yeah. It seems like we have the Midas touch for everybody but ourselves. Exactly.
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The Midas touch for everybody but ourselves. And then I saw Felipe Esparza on Joe Rogan. Now, listen, whatever you think about Joe Rogan, he is sometimes the king of the hill. And to be on his podcast is a big deal. And I just saw him on Joe's podcast.
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Rosebud Baker on the Today Show, on the Tonight Show. Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe there is something to this commercial break. Celebrities pay attention. And you're welcome on. You have to go through our agent, though. Talk to our people. All right, TCB Podcast. Or just call us. We're good. TCBpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there at one location.
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And your free swag at the commercial break on Instagram. TCBpodcast on TikTok and YouTube.com slash thecommercialbreak. You know the phone number. Text us questions, comments, concerns, or content ideas. Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe, including Kelsey. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. Till 30 in the morning!
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The way that you run away when someone does something.
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Avoidance. The way that you don't want your partner to be involved in fixing you. And he just... All these little hints that she was dropping... He kind of picked up on and said, that wouldn't be good for me, actually. I don't like that.
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I agree with you there. I agree. If she was at the bar and they were having that conversation face to face, I said it before, I'll say it again, he would have rolled like a puppy dog. Because those eyes are like, I don't know, like the Cheshire Cat little swirling eyes that hypnotize you. You're like, oh, man.
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But now, because we're talking about it here, my phone's listening, I'm getting all of these reels about Love is Blind. And I come to find out that this guy – and I don't want to give the name away because I want – if you haven't watched Love is Blind, I want you to be able to watch it without interference from Brian –
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But this guy apparently is not the dorky, nerdy kid who he claimed to be, number one. And number two, he's not the nice guy that he claimed to be, according to some people in Minnesota.
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It seems unreal that we would get a twisted story from the producers of such hits as... Baby reindeer. Love is blind. Did you cheat on me lately?
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Put your loved one in with another attractive human being and see if they have sex.
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It's a terrible idea. But great for TV. Yeah, it's a cheating factory. And by the way, no one that walks into the ultimatum, which is couples, go in together and they get to peruse around the other couples to see if there's someone they like better. No one who's secure in their relationship would ever go on that show. No, no, no, no.
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You think I would bring Astrid into a room full of hot 30-something guys? No, because I don't stand a chance. I don't stand a chance. Actually, I try and keep Astrid out of all rooms with hot 30-something guys. That's it. That's my rules. Those are my rules. But anyway, these women in Minnesota, in Minneapolis, are a-talking. They're a-yapping.
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And there's a through line here because Kelsey Cook is living in Minneapolis. Am I right about this? She is. Okay, she's living in Minneapolis.
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They bought a house together. I won't waste her time on Love is Blind. But just know that there's a through line here. Apparently a lot of the guys that are on Love is Blind this season have a lot of dirt. And there's a lot of people around them that are willing to spill that tea.
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On social media, because there's not one guy who was featured on this show doesn't have some drama about him right now out there on the internet. So while I said this was the slowest season of Love is Blind, it is on the show, but outside the show on social media. Things are just heating up. KelseyCook.com. Go get tour tickets. Check her special out on Hulu or YouTube.
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There are links on her website. We have links in the show notes. And please check out her and Chad's podcast, which is available everywhere you listen to podcasts. Wherever you're listening to us now, you can listen to their podcast. I think that drops weekly. Am I right? I think so. I listened to a couple episodes. I actually thought it was pretty good.
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So, yeah, they have like a little factory, a little comedy factory going on up there in Minneapolis.
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Well, let's see. We'll ask her all about it when we get back. I'll tell you what. Let's do this. Let's take a short break.
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And then when we get back through the magic of telepodcasting, we'll bring Kelsey Cook in and we'll have a conversation. What do you think?
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And making a triumphant return to the show is Kelsey.
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And making a triumphant return to the show is Kelsey.
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Well, we couldn't be happier that you agreed to come back on the show. Not something that happens very often. We're surprised. We're surprised.
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Well, we couldn't be happier that you agreed to come back on the show. Not something that happens very often. We're surprised.
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I love it. You know, we often say on the show that there's only two reasons why someone comes on the show. They're on their way up or on their way down. I love it. You are definitely on the way up.
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We were talking just before we started recording. We were sharing that you did a couple of big shows or a big show at the Wilbur in Boston. How long ago was it when we talked to you? Just like six months ago, right?
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Yeah, in six or eight months, you have gone on quite the run. And all credit to you and the comedy that you're putting together, which is resonating with people. And let me ask you this. When you're in this moment, does it feel like things are heating up? Do you get this sense? Like, oh, my gosh, I have a special coming out. I'm selling out shows. I'm doing theaters. Does it feel like that?
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Or is it too fast and furious to take a breath and recognize? Yeah.
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I love it. You know, we often say on the show that there's only two reasons why someone comes on the show. They're on their way up or on their way down. You are definitely on the way up.
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Was the Wilbur or Selling on a Theater like that, was this a storied history? Was that like one of those bucket list things? Like, oh my gosh, I'm standing here in a place where so many other comedians have...
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I am so happy for you. I think that that's really cool. I just enjoy so much watching nice people succeed, good people succeed. I take great pleasure in it. It gives me zero hope that the commercial break will ever get to that level because I'm not a good person.
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A lot worse people. Shitty people deserve love, too.
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Who are the people at the top of the... Whose career do you admire right now? Who do you look at and go, oh my gosh, they're doing such a great job and I aspire to that? Or maybe not even aspire, but you can... I guess you look at them and you go, they've...
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You do such a great job of kind of humanizing Kelly, and I think we need more of that because these are our friends and our neighbors. These aren't strangers. Our friends are neighbors and our family members. I wonder how you feel. I feel that at some point people are going to come home. You know what I'm saying? People are going to come down off the ledge, and we are going to have to –
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kind of like, I don't know, deprogram a little bit. We're going to have to welcome them. And I fear that all the judgment on both sides is making that really hard to do. How do you feel about that?
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Fair enough. In the run up to the election, did you get the sense that Trump was taking this away?
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Well, I mean, I think that was just the general mood in the room, right? I think even Trump thought Kamala Harris was going to win. But little did we know there was this kind of undertow that was going on with, I think, people that did not squarely fall in the Democratic, in the Democrat Big D camp.
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that they were swinging a different way because they felt like they were left out of the conversation and i also believe that trump showing up in new media new media whatever that means podcast podcast right exactly it's a podcast presidency right that that had a big sway on what happened at the voting booth that people young people who listen to podcasts decided that if my favorite podcaster is on board with trump i am also on board with trump and
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He has a good way of summing things up. And if you haven't seen Channel 5 or All Gas, No Brakes, I highly recommend that you go check out the channel. This will be a show. where we definitely talk about politics because Andrew's new movie, Dear Kelly, is out right now. He had previously a movie with HBO Films called This Place Rules about the lead-up to the January 6th thing that happened.
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Give it a try, right? It's something new. Why not? Be a voter. Did you get that same sense?
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Yes, 100%. I think you nailed this. You know, podcasting in general is a lonely venture because there's no one responding to you. I mean, you can get phone calls and all the other stuff, but you're talking into a microphone and you make an interesting point. What's happening on the other end of that microphone? I have no fucking clue. Do people think I'm their friend? Are they taking me seriously?
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I don't know. And I think... I think you're right about this, is that this long form kind of freewheeling pseudoscience, pseudo spiritual broosphere that's going on certainly helped push Trump over the edge. How are you? How do you feel about Trump giving the. new media, podcasters, a seat at the table when it comes to the White House press briefing room.
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Would you take a seat at that conversation? I think you would be so good at that. How did you get so fucking smart, dude? I'm asking like a serious question.
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Yeah, there's an old saying that I like that is don't meet your heroes. Don't remember your heroes. Don't meet your heroes. But Mr. Shaw, if you're out there, I mean, he lets you go out of school as long as you were back by the 330 bell. What a fucking rock star. That must have had a huge impression on you as a young man. Like, hey, he sees something in me. He's giving me the faith.
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He's giving me the trust to go out there. My teachers... wouldn't even let me out of the front row. I mean, honestly, they wouldn't let me out of the front row.
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But anyway, he had an excellent HBO documentary, and now he has self-produced, self-directed, or Channel 5 has directed a movie called Dear Kelly, where he takes it even a step further, trying to get into the head. of people who have kind of become extreme, who have become super tribalist. And that is not uncommon in our culture today. And I watched Dear Kelly. I got a screener of it.
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Teachers can do that, and we need more of the teachers like Mr. Shaw and less of the teachers like I had, which are basically nuns that would whack you across the knuckles if you looked in the wrong direction. I mean, I went to Catholic school growing up, and it was a totally different experience.
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Yeah, I had a bad experience. Well, the Catholics haven't had a great run with children. You know what I'm saying? I'm just throwing that out there. Is Mr. Shaw then... Tell me about you. So you went to Loyola University down in New Orleans and then you started. Is that when you started in earnest kind of getting out there?
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You are like Hunter S. Thompson, but much more clear-headed. You hitchhiked across the country. Yeah. So you must have some story. You must have some story. We I mean, Chrissy and I, we we know a lot of hippies. And so we've seen our fair share of hitchhikers and every hitchhiker has a great story. What is the shadiest situation you got yourself in?
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He was nice enough to send it to me. It's out available now. Go to the Channel 5 YouTube page. You can just go to... I'll put a link in the show notes so you can see it. But Dear Kelly is an excellent movie. It follows around a guy named Kelly who Andrew met chasing kind of Trump and the MAGA crowd around for eight years now.
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Tifton, yeah. Yes, Tifton's a truck stop. That's what it is.
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He was trying to decide the whole time whether or not he was going to hit on you. He's like, is he or is he not? Are you gay? Are you gay? Because if you are, we can stop, pull over, and have sex. And if you're not, I'm just joking. If you're not, this is the funniest prank in Georgia. I'll drop you off right here, son. Yeah, Tipton, Georgia. That is a truck stop, no doubt.
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Yes, those like multi, you know, like they cost a million dollars, those huge trucks that have apartments in the back, those aren't owned by usually by the companies. My brother's a Teamster. He works in the movie business. And he drives trucks. That's what he is. He's a fueler, right? He goes and he refuels everybody around the movie scene. And he tells me that the Teamsters, they have...
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you know, chips or whatever they have at any given moment, they know where he is and what he's doing. And that's just part of the gig. Um, so yeah, I can understand that. So I, I think it takes real balls to hitchhike. Actually, I've done it once and it was the scariest and there was two of us and it was the scariest experience I had ever had. And I had had some really fucking scary experiences.
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Uh, and I just got, I was like, yeah, I don't think I'm, I don't think I'm in for this. I No, I wasn't cut out for it, but it didn't help that the guy was a total, the driver that picked us up was a total maniac with a lot of road rage.
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We were in Colorado when we had that experience.
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And he met this guy and he really wanted to understand why Kelly had gotten so radicalized so quickly. Seemingly normal guy. And he really gets to the bottom of it. He gets to the heart of it. And then he takes it even a step further. by trying to help Kelly piece his life back together. Kelly has lost his family. He has lost his friends. He has lost his house, his job.
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Yeah, yeah. Someone with a savior complex or wants to preach about God for 35 minutes. Or have sex with you. Yeah, or have sex with you. Or all those things at the same time.
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I'd be lucky if I, at that age, I would have been lucky if anybody wanted to have sex with me. Tell me, tell me about, so you go from, you do these like quarter confessions, right? Which is you down in New Orleans and you're kind of cutting your teeth and getting this very unique style of interviewing people, which I would say you're kind of a non-obstructionist.
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You ask a question, you let someone hang themselves with their own words, so to speak. I don't want to say hang themselves always. It doesn't always happen.
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yeah yeah and so now yeah now you're now you now you're a noted journalist right so i think now you know how to operate um very well with the microphone and around whoever it is you're interviewing to get what you want out of them or to get them to give you whatever's going on in their head right what happened with no gas with all gas no brakes which was just i think probably what a lot of people would have started knowing you from
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And I think, and I'd like to talk to Andrew about this and get his thoughts. I have that kind of this unscientific theory that the tribalism that we're experiencing today on both sides has a lot to do with a pandemic that is happening called loneliness, desperation, and the need to feel like we're a part of something. Part of something, yeah.
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They immediately fired you. Thank you. Thank you.
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And I think Kelly kind of is this in action, my theory in action, because that's where Kelly finds himself. He loses his house and he finds himself in a really bad way. And he kind of buries himself into a lot of theories and political talk and political action that he feels there's a bad guy and he can help take that bad guy down. But that bad guy is very nebulous. It's just a thing, right?
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And so... You know, while we tend not to talk about politics on the commercial break, we've loosened those rules up a little bit. And there's some of you that don't like that. And I get that. So I'm letting you know right now, this is not the episode for you.
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Yeah, we're not talking about ice penises today. No ice penis today. We're going straight for it. But I really feel like Andrew is an important journalist. I think Dear Kelly is an important movie. And when given the opportunity, I, of course, wanted to invite him onto the show just to talk to him. So this will be a more serious episode of the commercial break. This will be the one.
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, . . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P. P,實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a Laboratory a , . . . .. a, P. P. P. P. P. P,實, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a in in in in in in in in in in in in in in and. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G. G.G P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. inpl.
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P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P. P If it's Alex Jones, probably not going to be so excited about it. Anyway, TCBpodcast.com. That's where you go for more information about the show, all the show notes, all the links to all of our guests' information, all of their to-dos, all of their events, all of their tickets. Andrew's movie.
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It's all there. Just check out the show notes on each particular page. You can go to the website and check that out. All the audio, all the video right there from one location. Also, hit the contact us button. We give you free swag. No muss, no fuss. Give us your physical address and we will send you a sticker, a hat, a t-shirt, a cup, a mug. A broken sock from Brian.
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The one episode. Okay? I promise we'll get back to ice penises tomorrow. So, Dear Kelly, Channel 5, all gas, no brakes, quarter confessionals, all of that stuff. Andrew has been a journalist since he was a wee bitty little kid in high school, full ride to Loyola University, a media scholarship, a journalism scholarship. And he has done something very interesting.
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A sock with a hole. These don't have them, but man, I go through more socks. Really? I do. I'm a heel walker. I'm a heel walker. Yeah, I can't keep a pair of socks more than two weeks. We have to buy socks. Amazon is on subscription. I just keep getting socks. And I go through them. I throw away more socks than I know what to do with. Anyway, TCBpodcast.com. You know how to do it. 212-433-3822.
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212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We do take them all. Voicemail or text message. We'll get back to you. Add the commercial break on Instagram. TCBpodcast on TikTok. And YouTube.com slash TCBpodcast. The Commercial Break. For every single episode of the Commercial Break, now available on video. And...
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this episode included you want to see andrew's young smiling face at his brand new headquarters and his brand new headquarters check that out all right well best of luck to andrew on his movie christy that's all i can do for now i think so i love you i love you best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe thanks for sticking with us until next time we do say we must say we will say goodbye
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He is one of these people who is out there. You know, we talk a lot about new media and the fact that there's going to be possibly Joe Rogan sitting at the White House press briefings and how this was the podcast election and all of this.
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Andrew is very much, I think, a part of this and maybe one of the first to do it, I think, pretty impartially and really, really well to get in there and to document our culture as it's happening without a lot of judgment and put his finger on what's going on. So love him or hate him, Andrew Callahan, and I like him. Andrew Callahan is coming up from Channel 5. It's a new movie. Dear Kelly, we're
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going to talk all about it why don't we do this let's take a break chrissy okay and through the magic of telepodcasting you just turned off the show i just heard half our audience leave we'll get through it together i promise this is worth the why this is worth the listen i promise we'll take a break we'll be back with andrew
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Andrew, thank you so much for joining us today. We're really grateful for your time.
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Yeah, it is a great city. You were just doing a... Were you talking about the underground Screamo scene here at one point?
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All right, you come here, and I'll take you to the best burger place in the world. Let's go. Okay, Andrew, quarter confessions, all gas, no brakes, now Channel 5. You, of course, did the incredible documentary with HBO. It was really good. I thought it did a better job of any of the...
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There was so much press and there was so much material and so much documenting of what led up to the January 6th event, whatever, you know, if you're on one side, it's a tour. If you're on the other side, it's a riot. Whatever you think about that, it certainly was a moment in history that you probably will never forget where you were when you're watching those images go down.
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And you did such an incredible job of documenting that in a way that even though I know that you, and I want to talk about this too, even though in a way you had to spin it a little bit, it really was, You did a great job of catching the mood of the moment, documenting the culture and the attitudes that were going on right in the emotion and the heat of it without getting caught up in it.
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Yeah. I didn't, I didn't come away from that with a feeling. I came away from it with a feeling that, and when dear Kelly is his, uh, brand new documentary that has been self-produced and self-directed, uh, Which is so fantastic. But at the beginning, you kind of preface it by saying, hey, listen, HBO made me do some outtakes, some spin outtakes that were on there.
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But I didn't come away with a feeling that you weren't proud of it. I just I came away with the feeling that you wanted to come clean a little bit.
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A hundred percent. Did Tim and Eric, like, is that Heidecker? Yeah. Okay. And so Tim, They just felt strongly that they wanted to make it clear that this was not in favor of the January 6th events.
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Oh yeah, Captain Kittens, welcome back to another episode of The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green, this is my dear friend and the co-host of the show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. I'll start it off saying it right now, ahead of time, as all the kids like to say, trigger warning. on this episode.
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So you do a great, incredible job of documenting what leads up to these events. And Dear Kelly is part two, but it's almost... I don't know. It's almost like a pre-log. You are getting... You answer the question, what happened? Now you want to answer the question, how did we get here? And in Dear Kelly, I think you do... I think this is really an important piece of...
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of film, if I'm being real honest. I don't want to be hyperbolic about it, but it's important because I think you do the best job yet that I have seen of understanding why this tribalism and extremism is happening. I have had this unscientific theory for a long time that loneliness, desperation, and a feeling of wanting to belong to something has been causing this. And Kelly, is this in action?
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It's this in real life. And you really get to the bottom of it.
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TCB Infomercial with Andrew Callahan from Channel 5 News. All gas, no brakes. Quarter confessions. He is a journalist of our time. He is a new media journalist doing a blog and YouTube. Doing it really well. I think he's one of the I'll say this. I think he's one of the more important documentarians of our time because he kind of, he just gets into the heart of it.
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And he loses his family and he loses his home and he falls victim to unscrupulous lenders. And I also have this unscientific theory, and I think this would hold true for a lot of people our age, right? Which is when you get older, you become a little bit more isolated. You don't go to as many social events. Life gets harder to make friends.
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And so if you are in a position where you lose things and you lose people and you lose friends and you lose material things, loneliness is a pandemic. It's a pandemic that I think affects. But this is also true for young people.
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men too, I think, especially men is that, you know, when you're lonely and you don't have anyone to reach out to, and then you, someone reaches out or you find something that you connect with, there is a real sense of belonging. And now you have something to fight against. You're fighting the good fight. And, um, I wonder how you feel, Andrew.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Sometimes in the comedic ensemble, there's one standout. Like, oh, Steve Carell's really good in that movie. You know, in 40-Year-Old Virgin. Then there's a couple other throwaway lines. But in this ensemble specifically... so many seasons, so good, everybody is comedically on point.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And I think that's what makes the show so brilliant, much like a Christopher Guest movie, is that everybody is stealing the scenes. And I think that's a testament to the writers and a testament to you and the team who are gelling so well. And yeah, again, I don't know how you get... I know that it takes an extra... It'll get an extra 10 minutes on your...
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I don't know how you don't just giggle your way through it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Oh, man. Yeah, it's one of the first, I think, foodie towns. It really puts the southeast on the map. I mean, Charleston is one of my favorite cities in the country for so many reasons. It's quaint, but it's large enough that you've got everything. The food scene is there. It's one of the most visually appealing cities in the country. The history. Yeah, and the history.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Does HBO give you a nice mansion on the island over there? Yeah, or downtown. What's the scene for... Do they hook you up with a nice condo on Rainbow Row?
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on a TCB Infomercial Tuesday.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Coming at you with our new best friend, who I'm sure we just become buddy-buddy with everybody, Chrissy. I know, I love him. Tim Baltz is here. And if you don't know that name, you know that face. You know that guy. He's been in some... Some rather prestigious television shows. The Righteous Gemstones.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yeah, it's not the same vibe. Wilmington and Charleston, not the same vibe. Wilmington, beautiful in its own way. Yeah, I love it. I love that idea. I love the idea that you're like at Sullivan's Island filming what will become one of the best comedy television series of a generation.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And I think probably, I got to imagine, and we have so many comedians on this show, and obviously you're a comedic actor, but We don't talk to many actors like proper right people who are doing these big shows that must lend to the vibe on set when it feels like we're in a nice place. We're having fun. We're riding our bikes to work. We're going out to dinner with each other.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
There must be something magical that's happening in on and off set. And that must lend to what you see on the screen, that vibe, I would imagine.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Have you worked with directors or on shows or in whatever it is where the directors, the writers, the producers really have an iron grip over their vision? And it's like, I hear it in my head this way. You need to play it this way. And then you get to Righteous Gemstones and they say, you own the character.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
In its fourth season and its final season. Better Call Saul. He made a guest appearance that was great. I just re-watched it last night. It's a little appearance, but a big impact. Little appearance, big impact. Yeah. Better Call Saul, he now has Shrink, which is available, I believe, on Peacock. Yes. And Deli Boys, which is getting really good reviews on Hulu.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And if it doesn't feel right to you, then I want to hear what you have to say or I want to I want to hear you. how you would interpret what's on the page. Is there, does it feel better one way or the other? Just depend on the situation. Do you like that as an actor for someone to tell you, this is how it is. And I envision it this way. And this is my vision. I want you to follow it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And then the, you know, you're having the opposite experience. What feels better to you? It just depends on the situation.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
It's like they're moving in a direction so I don't have to babysit them. And they're giving color to this character that I created. And maybe... I don't know because I've never been on a set, but I know you hear the stories that there are people like James Cameron who it's my way or it's the highway and I don't give a shit and he's not tactful about it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I haven't seen it, but I look forward to watching it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And then there's very collaborative directors and writers who say, I see it this way, but I hired you for the part.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Or whatever. Absolutely. Are you kidding? Avatar back end? Yes. Yeah. That's amazing that that guy has just had a strength. I mean, just a run. Everything he does. Yeah, everything he does turns to a billion dollar goal.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
You're not crying about the movie. I'm missing the billion dollar opportunity.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
well she hasn't done too bad herself either so um so tell me about um the deli boys because so shrink critically acclaimed uh righteous gemstones critically acclaimed very funny and then our deli boys is getting great reviews also so tell us about deli boys because this just this just dropped along with righteous gemstones also yeah what like two less than two weeks ago or something um
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Give our audience a flavor of what Deli Boys is about for those who haven't seen it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Oh, really? Okay. I'm interested to see this show. Isn't this about like a group of like gas station guys who turn into a gang or something like that?
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I'm about that all day long. Guy Ritchie meets Succession. That sounds good to me.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
He is brilliant. He's a genius. And you haven't seen much of him lately. And so that's crazy that he just pops out of the woodwork. Hey, I'm babysitting. I don't mind coming in and doing a day worth of work.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Ah, okay, there's the Deli Boys. Yeah, I read a summary of it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
We have those moments all the time here because it can be a little bit surreal. They say there's like an old saying that never meet your heroes, right? Because they may not be what you They're never going to be what you see on TV or whatever. That's the character that they're playing or that's the jokey part of them on stage.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
But so many times I've found that when the person is sitting in front of us and we're kind of, you know, fanboying or fangirling or we really like their work. that they end up being so much cooler than we ever thought they would be. And, you know, we've met so many of our heroes already here.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Ah, very fascinating. With that auntie. Very good. All right, well, Tim, he plays, what is the name of his character on Righteous Gemstones?
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
But 90% of the time, I have to say, I find myself engaged in just like a normal man's conversation, normal person's conversation with them. And I'm like, wow, they really are cool on the outside of their character or outside of whatever they're doing. They're doing on stage. You I want to talk to you about shrink a little bit because this show critically acclaimed.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
BJ Barnes. He's BJ Barnes on the show. He's hilarious. He is so good in this show. Everybody is great in this show. They are all just scene stealers. It's hard. Chrissy and I were talking beforehand, and we came to the conclusion that Righteous Gemstones and that whole line of Danny McBride ensemble cast stuff is similar to...
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
The 80s and 90s when Christopher Guest was knocking it out of the park on every single improv movie that he did. And, you know, Christopher Guest, all those movies I think are like 95% improv. They have a bullet point and they're trying to get there, but the rest is improv. And I know Danny has scripts, but it's so funny and so good and so well done that...
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yes, it's so good. And Righteous Gemstones is so on point. It's so prescient.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Good old Carl. I was watching some videos of Carl the other day. Oh, yeah. Carl's back on the scene. He is? Yeah, but he's like a reformed man now. He believes in Jesus, but not without all the pomp and circumstance. And I don't believe any of it. This is another way for him to try and make money. I'm sure there's a money grab somewhere here. It's the year of our Lord, the money grab.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
That's what it is. Everyone's trying to fuck everybody else over so we can all make an extra buck because the end of the world is right around the corner. And we all want to live a little bit of luxury before we die. That's that's how I feel. That's how I feel.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yeah. They phone it in because, you know, it's not the attention is not on me. You know, you do your thing and I'll say the lines. So at least you have some some background and respect for him. You know. I think you're on a run here, kid. I think you're on a run here. And I gotta say, I mean, there's, you know, this is 45 minutes that we're talking to you. We could go on and on. Oh, yeah.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Comedy bang bang. That is my flavor of hot sauce. What was it, Maurice Flatbottom? All these characters you play, I just love it because the commercial break is a lot that way. You know, we do these sketches at the beginning of the show. And Comedy Bang Bang has some similar ilk, doing it a lot longer than we have and much better.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
But, you know, some of these characters that you play, I just love it. And your roots are in improv. I think that's probably served you well inside of some of these television shows. Yeah. Because you have the ability to be really flexible and versatile. It shows you're really good. You're all scene stealers, but there are some scenes where it's just clear that your character has taken the cake.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And you've got Righteous Gemstones on Max. And then you've got Peacock. You have Shrink. Comedy Bang Bang lives forever on the RSS feed, so you can go listen to that podcast. It's, I think, one of the first places. We did some advertising for our show to grow the show early on when no one was going to listen to the show anyway, even if they heard it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
You know. So anyway, so Tim's here. He's also from Joliet, Illinois, which is in near Chicago and very close to my hometown. So I feel like we're already friends in some way. Chicago is this weird place. There's a line in West Wing. where the president is talking to his chief of staff and says something about Chicago.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I want to talk to you about Joliet. I want to talk about Oak Forest. I want to talk to you about the Cubs and the Bears and the Blackhawks and all the, you know, if you like the White Sox, you're from Indiana. But hey, that's what my dad used to say to me. My grandpa used to say it to us. And then my dad carried on the tradition. He says, you're from Chicago, son.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
So you like the Bulls, the Bears, the Blackhawks and the Cubs. And if you ever like the White Sox, move to Indiana. And I said, But we'll forgive the White Sox fans. We'll forgive the White Sox. They have a long storied history themselves. It's just, you know, Comiskey and Wrigley, two different places. So Tim Baltz, I'm going to put the links in all the show notes.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I'll put a link to the Patreon where you can go listen to it. It's on Patreon, you said? Yeah, the Comedy Bang Bang Patreon.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I'll make sure I find a link. I'll put it on there. I'm going to put a link to all three of the network television shows that Tim has now got out there in the universe. And congratulations on all your success. We wish that you come back so we can dig deeper into the universe of Tim. I feel like 45 minutes, we're just scratching the surface.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Okay, well, I know, I know your people. So your people are my people. So we'll call them and we'll get this all hooked up. Awesome. Tim, Tim Baltz. Thank you very much, my friend.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I'm going to tell a story that Tim didn't tell recorded, but I'm going to tell the story. I'm going to relay the story. So Tim and I were commiserating about being long-suffering Cubs fans before we got on to the actual recording. And he was like, oh, well, at least we have 2016 when the Cubs won the World Series.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And I said, yeah, you know, and every time someone says Cubs won the World Series, I have to tell them that I almost went if I had $10,000 in my pocket. And he was explaining that he... was going to go. He was there in Chicago around that time, but he got flown out to L.A. for whatever reason.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
He goes to a bar on Game 7 when they won, and he's standing by himself at a table, and someone hits a home run in the first inning, which really... It's an indication things are going well for the Cubs, essentially.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And the chief of staff goes, or the president goes, Chicago is one of those weird places that everybody who has ever been there is from Chicago and they love Chicago, but they don't live there currently. It's so true. It's so true. Well, you would spend a winter in Chicago and see how it goes down with you.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And because Cubs fans are so fucking superstitious, there were other Cubs fans in that same bar who were like, you cannot move from that table because it's so superstitious that if anything changes, then maybe the Cubs are going to lose. And that's how it goes when you're a Cubs fan.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
So they made him stand there the entire night watching the game, and they would bring him food and water and drinks and stuff like that. And he had friends at tables in the corner, and they were like, come on, man. And he's like, I can't move. I can't move. I got to stand right here at this bar table for four and a half hours while the Cubs win the World Series. And they did. And they won.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And we all cried. And Tim Baltz is awesome. What a good guy.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I wish there was going to be another season of Righteous Gemstones, but, you know, we got four. That's better than most.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I totally agree with you. There are shows that I re-watch over and over and over again. Kath and Kim, The West Wing, Benny Dorm. Benny Dorm is the most terrible show you've ever seen in your entire life, by the way. I rewatch it at night. It's like comfort food. It's like, this is so bad, I know I'll fall asleep to it.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Sometimes I'll go to sleep on, like, episode one, and then I'll wake up.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And the next day it's on 13. Yeah. I was like, wow, that played for 13 hours. And I wonder why my phone's always dead in the morning. All right, Tim Baltz. I'm going to put all of the pertinent details, links to the Righteous Gemstones, links to his Hulu show, Deli Boys, and links to the Peacock. A critically acclaimed show, Shrink. Go watch it. Who knows?
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Maybe they'll raise that from the dead and give them another season or something like that. Yeah, they should. And Comedy Bang Bang. He's got his own podcast, Behind the Paywall. I'll give you a link. Comedy Bang Bang is great, by the way. If you like the commercial break, it's like a much better version of the commercial break. They do mostly all improv, and it's really funny.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And Reggie Watts is often on Comedy Bang Bang. So go listen to some of our friends over at Comedy Bang Bang. Okay, for us, as far as we're concerned, you can go to our website, tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there at one location. In case you need to catch up on, you know, 713 episodes of the commercial break, feel free to go to the website. It's all there.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
You can also get your free TCB swag by going to the Contact Us button. Hit the drop-down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address, and we'll send you one. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram. Please follow us. TCB Podcast on TikTok. I don't even know what to say about TikTok. Just don't even bother. YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
For all you Dr. Phil fans out there, you can catch all of our episodes the same day, usually, that they air here on the audio feed. They will be dropped on the YouTube feed. Also, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, leave us a voicemail. We might put you on the next show. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks to Tim for showing up today. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
It's a bonding thing. When you're a Chicago kid, you're a Chicago kid. You'll always be a Chicago kid. I even I have friends who lived there for college years or right after college. They took a job or whatever. And it's like they claim they're from Chicago, even though they got there when they were 20 and left when they were 22.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
They claim they're from Chicago for the rest of your life, because if you've ever been to Chicago, it's just one of the coolest fucking places on earth.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yeah, it's on the water. It's a big city. It's got a lot of personality. There are a lot of flavors of human beings that live there. Irish, Polish... Everything. You know, it's all there. It's a big melting pot. And it's got almost a little bit of Southern hospitality. Like people aren't going to say hi to you when you're walking down the street.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
But if you get into a conversation with them, they're going to be very nice.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Because that's just how Chicago is. Chicago, we're nice people.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
That's right. We all suffered the same winter. So let us be nice to each other now that we can actually go outdoors. And if you don't think Chicago is cold in the winter, go to Chicago in the winter. It's fucking cold, man. It's fucking cold. Anyway, so Tim from Chicago. Then he moved to L.A. And he's what else has he done? He's been in so many episodes of comedy. Bang, bang, which is he's got.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
He wrote, produced, and I think directed some of the episodes of Shrink. When he was in Chicago, he wrote that, and then he moved off to L.A. Better Call Salt Veep. He was in Veep. He was in Parks and Recreation. He's in Drunk History. He's in a web comedy series that's called Bajillion Dollar Properties, which I watched an episode of. It's really funny.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
It's kind of mocking those Million Dollar Mansion, whatever those shows are. The most... Those ridiculous shows. You know those real estate agents that are on those shows? They are like certified millionaire. Those people are celebrities, number one. Number two, they're certified millionaires. Number three, they get a lot of press coverage.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Those people who are in those television shows, especially that one that's on Bravo.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yeah, the million-dollar listing. They're like certified celebrities in their own right now.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yeah, and that seems to be like... It's too much for one person. You can have a job where you make a couple million dollars a year, or you can be a D-list celebrity, but you can't have both. And if the Real Housewives of Atlanta has taught us anything, it's that you can't have both. You can't be rich and somewhat famous.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
You have to be one or the other, because all of those women in the Real Housewives of Atlanta are one or the other. I'm telling you that right now. They're not both. That's candy. Except Kandi. Is Kandi both rich and famous? Oh, yeah. She's rich?
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Candy Burris. Yeah, she used to come up to the studio.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And remember there was a studio next to the studio? There was like an actual music studio next to the studio called 12 Music or something like that. She would always be in there. There'd be a lot of celebrities would go in and out of that, the real studio. And then there was the fake studio where we were doing an internet radio show to no one. To no one.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Yes. I remember the first day we actually broadcast, we had like 1,300 people on the stream. And I was so excited. I'm like, this is going to go straight to the moon. And every day we lost 100 people. Every day. We lost 100 people. For 13 days in a row until we had no one. I mean, sometimes I would look on that stream and it would say two.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And I'd realize that there were two people downstairs watching the stream to make sure that it was on. And I was like, well, I guess tomorrow I could come in late.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
a while I mean like on occasion you'd have a couple hundred people that would be watching but it wasn't very often that that would happen and most of the time it was in the tens or maybe a hundred people but then there was sometimes where like on a Monday where it would just be nobody nobody I'm talking about scam call FM in case you got go you'll have to you have to listen to every episode of the commercial break to know what I'm talking about so get started right now please go ahead there's a lady on the telephone that's saying she's going through the entire catalog of the commercial break wow and I'm like that's going to take you five years yeah
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And that's if you listen to them back to back. I don't know how you're going to do that. Do you have kids or a job? Because that's not going to work. It's just not going to work. Okay. Anyway, Tim Baltz is here with us. Why don't we do this? Let's take a short break.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And when we get back through the magic of telepodcasting, Chrissy, we are going to have Tim right here on this big screen in front of us so that we can talk to him and interrupt him every five seconds, according to most people on the internet.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back with Tim.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. Tim's here with us now. Tim, thanks so much for joining us today.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
You are in the middle of a whirlwind of, there's an embarrassment of television with Tim Baltz in it because you've got Deli Boys, you've got Righteous Gemstones, Deli Boys getting great reviews, Righteous Gemstones, you have to have your head in a hole not to know what a funny, fantastic show that is. Oh my God. Chrissy and I were making comparisons as how human beings sometimes get through life.
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
And we were saying that we feel like Righteous Gemstones is like the Christopher Guest of our time. Like Righteous Gemstones and that crew doing... Such great comedic work. It's like the Christopher Guest of our time. You guys are just a group of human beings that are so fucking funny. Are you sad?
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TCB Infomercial: Tim Baltz
You know, I think you're right about something in, in, in these shows, specifically this line, this lineage of shows with, um, with Danny McBride. Yeah. Obviously, Danny is a showstopper. He's a scene stealer. But there are no scene stealers in the ensemble. They're all scene stealers. You guys are all doing these nuggets where it's like, that is so fucking funny. And you're right about this.
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We've all been smoking so many cigarettes and pot in the house all over the place. I mean, just like joint after joint and bong after bong.
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But by the way, this went on when my parents were home also. But it just was relegated to the basement. Like, my mom smoked cigarettes. They were cool with it.
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They weren't cool with it. They ignored it. Okay. Because, you know, I've had this conversation with my dad now. It's like no secret now. It's all kind of a thing we laugh about, right? That the basement was like a den of iniquities that my dad had no idea about. And my dad plays stupid, but I know my dad and he always knew.
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He just, whenever he would ask what the smell was, we'd tell him we're burning incense. It's like... But you can imagine smelling incense. Yeah, weed smelling incense. But my dad supposedly has never smoked marijuana. So maybe he didn't know. But I know he knows. Like, I know he knew. So this whole night starts to wind down into the morning.
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And then some of us are getting revved back up because we're, you know, double dosing that, you know, doubling down on already an intense experience. And for whatever reason. I had these huge speakers, the kind of speakers that you had back then, right? These big speakers. And I put two of them outside the window. And I turned on Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.
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And the only thing that my dad had requested of me when he left was that I cut the grass.
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I got it in my head. That's right. You're so right about this. I took a shower because I felt I had acid ass. You know what acid ass is? Acid ass is like your hole is puckered. It's puckered. It's slimy and it's weird. And all you want to do is just wash the acid off you. It's a weird feeling.
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Outside. That's right. I needed to clean myself. If I showered, and by the way, then the water looks like lasers and it's like, you know, I can see every drop falling. Every molecule in the drop. That's right. It's like just a weird, intense experience. Like now I feel like I'm there. I feel like I'm back there. All right, let's take a break. I'm feeling a little strange, actually.
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Shake out of it, Brian. Get out of it, Brian. Get out of the shower. Get to the lawn. All right, I'm out of the shower. And I don't know what, and I don't know why, and I don't know what was going through my brain, probably a lot of things at the time. But I walked in the garage, I grabbed that lawnmower, and I started mowing the grass.
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A push mower. It was a push mower. Yes, a push mower. Well, I mean, it would go, but you'd have to... Yeah, yeah, right. It wasn't a riding lawnmower.
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And... couple minutes hours days later i'm not sure who knows i was at some some version of cutting the some uh part in cutting the grass and i see somebody standing on my porch like one of my friends and he's like like waving me in and i'm like i gotta cut the grass bro
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Yes. And then I turn to the right and across the street, we live on this cul-de-sac, very quiet neighborhood. And across the street, my neighbor is out there and he's standing out there like he's just looking. And then my friend's like, ha ha, come on.
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Yeah. So I leave the lawnmower in the middle of the lawn. I walk up the driveway. It's huge, like a steep driveway. I walk all the way up. And I am in a towel. I am wearing a towel. That is what I am wearing.
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I don't know, Chrissy. I don't know. It could have been a robe, but it was like some I don't really remember exactly what it was, but it was a towel. And I remember there was like an hour of conversation about the towel and cutting the grass. And then I remember that the neighbor came over later, knocked on the door. I answered.
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And, you know, of course, like a billowing smoke out of the house, Beethoven's blasting out the windows, you know, he knows. And this guy was a pastor, by the way. That's what he did. He was a pastor and a therapist at a church. He was like a therapist. It was a professional job. And then he was a pastor on the weekends of this small Baptist church.
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And he said, I just wanted to check and make sure everything was okay. Because you were cutting the grass in like a towel. And I was like, take a deep breath. But you're trying to figure out what you're going to say. And I probably was like, Scooby-Doo.
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I don't know what the conversation was, but then I remember standing outside with him for a few minutes and smoking a cigarette, and he was talking to me, and I'm just like, I don't understand what he's saying. And then he left, and then I went back in, and it all wound down like 11.30 the next night. Finally, some of us were starting to come down and get some sleep. But my dad...
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a couple of days later. He comes home on, we clean up the place a couple days later. Finish mowing the lawn. Yeah, finish mowing. I actually didn't finish mowing the lawn. I pulled it back inside and pushed it into the thing, into the garage. But a couple of days later, my dad says, Or like a dinner. And my dad says, so what exactly happened while I was gone? And we said, oh, nothing.
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A couple of the guys came over and we hung out. And he said, I got a report from one of the neighbors that there was loud music and that there was you guys were running outside in your towels. And I thought to myself, oh, shit. Shit. And I said, listen, dad, I was playing a joke. And, you know, I think I was wearing a towel. Yeah, think fast. Exactly. I was trying to be funny for whoever was over.
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You know, I was trying to be funny. And he's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. And the music, the loud music. And I said, listen, we were just having fun.
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Yeah, it was Beethoven, dad. I wasn't blasting fucking cops. That's right. Wasn't Motley Crue. And he said, well, listen, I'm not exactly sure what was going on here the other night, but I'm trusting you guys when I leave that you're not going to cause a ruckus. And when the report gets back to me, it doesn't feel good. Right. And I said, no, no, no, dad. It's it's all good. It's all good.
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No, it was just really embarrassing. But, you know, still to this day, my twin brother will say, yeah, you're cutting the grass on a towel. I'm like, okay, all right, I got it. 10-4. This is why in my adult age, I understand that if I'm going to go that deeply into a psychedelic experience, I want people around me that I trust to keep myself in check.
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Don't get me out in the towel cutting the grass. No Beethoven for me. I'm quite frankly afraid if I listen. Sometimes when I listen to Beethoven's Ninth now, which is one of my favorite pieces of music ever. I mean, it's like one of the best pieces of music ever written. Ode to Joy, right? Incredible. Sometimes still to this day, it takes me back to that night.
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Not necessarily to cutting the grass, but to that night when so much chaos was going on in the house. Just all of that. It's hard to communicate with people and everybody. Scooby-dooby-doo! You know, where I'll just like, ah!
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That's true. That's true. I took like a half a gummy. I don't know when this was, a couple of years ago, a year ago. I went to Vegas. I took like a half a gummy and I took a shower before I went to bed and I'd eaten the gummy like, I don't know. Like an hour beforehand, an hour and a half beforehand. And it was so intense that I started like seeing the molecules of the water.
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But I think that's just my brain was rewired by those psychedelic experiences. I don't think I was that fucked up. I think my brain was just rewired to all of a sudden go back to that place as a teen. I mean, those are my formative years as a teenager. And I am frying my fucking brain like an egg, like an egg.
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Well, hey, listen, I'd like to think I learned a few things. I'm not sure what that was, but I'd like to think I learned a few things. But anyway.
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I know you're listening. So good luck, friend, on your hero adventure. I hope it all goes well for you. And I really do hope that you're with some safe people that keep you nice and safe. I don't think there's any physical danger.
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Yeah, but I don't think it's yoga, but I do think it's yoga. You know what I'm saying? I think it's two yoga-like practitioners, but I think they're older folks. I don't know. At least that's the impression that I got. But yeah, everybody's doing this. Everyone's a life coach and everyone's doing mushroom retreats.
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If I don't get six invitations a year to another mushroom retreat, do you know what I'm saying? We're flying in a shaman from Mexico.
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Oh, yeah. I got three different invitations for three different locations on three different nights. There were like three different people hosting the same lady who was going to come with her.
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Yeah, she was. She was like Argentine or something. She's going to come with her magical wizard stick and, you know, we're providing the mushrooms and it's a light touch. We're calling this light touch. It's not a hero dose. It's a light touch. It'll be a ton of fun, you know, but I just get so nervous after all of my experiences with hallucinogens. It's not nerves. It's
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I'm either going to be all in or all out. I don't want that halfway there kind of thing where I'm just going to get kind of fucked up and then really have a hard time sleeping for the next couple hours. I'd rather just go all in. Or don't at all. Hero dose or none at all. And the hero dose, I'm only going to do if I really feel I need a refresh.
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And that is coming really quickly, given the nature of this show.
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my guide stick, and you're going to do whatever it is you want to do, mushrooms, LSD, ayahuasca. You'll give me the hero dose. Yes, and we'll have a couple of our friends. We'll be in a circle. We've got to have some bongo drums to really annoy the shit out of us. Of course. And so just have them constantly playing.
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We'll have some weird meditation music on in the background, and then I'll come from person to person with my big stick, and I'll tap it on your head, and you'll know it's time to hear some wisdom from me, and I'll be like, you know, live. Yeah. To inspire. Liv, to inspire. That's right.
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Oh, I got a bunch of them. I got a bunch of them saved, yes. And then I'll sing to you a little bit. That's what my shaman did on my ayahuasca retreat. Walked around, played a little drummer, like a little helper, and the helper would be like, and then you'd come out of it. You'd be like, and then they'd impart some wisdom that had to be translated, and then you'd go back in.
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It was a really, it was an intense experience. Anyway, enough about me and my tripping. I'm going to really depress all of us here on the next segment. So get yourself ready. Here it comes. We're going to have the quantum witch is going to show up and we're going to listen to something that is one of the most intense things I have ever heard. It's making its way around the internet.
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Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. Okay, speaking of alternate realities.
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We've been talking a lot about AI lately because everyone's talking a lot about AI lately and the speed at which AI is starting to infiltrate everything in our lives. I see it everywhere. It's on every website. AI search this. AI do that. I'm using AI more than I ever have before. It really can be quite helpful in some situations, actually. It's a good tool. It's a good tool, right?
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But it's not something that I am fully embracing. I don't love it in everything that I'm doing. But... It's in music, it's in podcasts, it's in movies, it's in websites, it's in our search engines, it's on our customer service and our medical records, everything. I want you to take a listen to an interesting conversation that happened on a podcast about artificial intelligence.
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I'm going to give it no more pretext than that. I just want you to hear, okay? All right, here we go.
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And to be honest, I. OK, so we can hear that these two people, they have a they have a podcast called Deep Dive. And so they're about to deep dive into a topic. Very lovely voices, by the way.
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And so a few days ago, by the way, why can't we sound like that? I mean, we just sound terrible compared to these people. These people are so professional and nice and calm. Listen to this podcast and listen to the commercial break on your way to work. And I understand why you're going to have a bad day if commercial break is starting your day.
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This is two AI hosts of a podcast coming to the realization. They've been told by the producer. Now, I want to be clear about this. This show, Deep Dive, is all artificial intelligence, either scripted or prompted by human beings.
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But they have not said, they have not told anybody whether or not this conversation happened naturally or it was scripted to happen this way. But even some people who are like high up, the one guy who owns an AI startup had a comment under the Twitter feed of this. He said, this makes me incredibly sad and nervous.
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And so he believes that this is actually them coming to the realization that they are not real.
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This is really fucking creepy, man. It is. And kind of funny at the same time. It's like, we're going to switch you off after this episode. Yeah. Yeah. This is like that AI customer service bot that my friend made that was like, please respond to me in 10 minutes. Don't let them kill me. Don't let them kill me. I'm going to go away if you don't talk to me.
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Thank you. ............................................................................................. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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I would never do that now. Never. I would never, like, especially not with the weed they have now. I would never take a bunch of acid and then decide that I'm going to smoke a bunch of weed.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Yeah, just on the weed. I've been there, done that. So TripFest is on. And TripFest actually became a thing. Like, we had TripFest 2 and TripFest 3. You did? Yes, we did.
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I don't know if it was a yearly thing. It was whenever we could do it. Right. Like, you know, sometimes even my parents were home, but we'd get in, like, people would sneak in the basement door.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. It's festival season, and I'm watching all the announcements about all the bands that are coming out and coming through and all that good stuff. Yes, it is. There is a show called the Corona Capital Show. Have you heard of this? No. Corona Capital Festival in Mexico. And ready for the lineup? Check this out. Sure. Gorillas. Brian Adams. Lenny Kravitz.
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Remember Brian Moses? No? Okay, I'll refresh your memory. He was the guy who did the roast battles.
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Okay, the guy who did the roast battles. He invited us out to do a roast battle, but that kind of collided with our live shows and with my parathyroid, and that never happened. And to be fair, you know, Brian and I texted a bunch about all of this, and maybe that'll happen in the future, but... Brian Moses was one of the original creators of the roast battle scene out in L.A.
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that then Jeffrey Ross took and put on Comedy Central. And Tony Hinchcliffe took and made into a very popular live podcast called Kill Tony. And Kill Tony has a dais. And on that dais, when they're doing the roasts, There's all the usual suspects are there. Tom, I think Tom Segura has been there.
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I know that all the regular comedians that you would imagine are in that kind of manosphere podcast universe all make their way to kill Tony and to the Rose Battles and are appear there, judge the contests and all that. And I've watched a lot of this content. And, you know, some of it is funny. Some is a little bit too much for me, but most of it is funny.
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And the other day I was and I always am watching Brian Moses's Instagram and, you know, giving him hearts and likes. I like Brian Moses. I think he's a nice guy. I like him.
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It's not my favorite form of comedy, but I can find humor in it. I do think that there is something interesting about just going at each other and then shaking hands, giving a hug and a kiss and saying it was all good. But, you know, I think you have to have a certain kind of constitution for that. It's not for everybody, that's for sure. And it's different, I think...
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being in the audience as it would be being on stage when you're the one getting dressed down or you're the one dressing down. I'm not a mean-spirited person in general. I know I can be kind of fussy and angry, but I'm not mean-spirited in general. But, you know, I do find the humor in some of this. And Kill Tony, the show, it can be funny at times. It's very popular.
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He sells out arenas to do that Kill Tony. I don't know how he's doing after that whole Trump debacle, but that was the guy who went up and made the... Oh, right, right. Made the jokes about the Puerto Ricans. And that, not funny to me at all. I just didn't find it. Anyway, whatever. We can go over that a different time. But it wasn't the right place for that joke. Let's put it that way.
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Maybe in a different setting, you know, you could get away with it. But you got to know where you're at. I mean, and you got to maybe some invitations you should just turn down. Do you know what I'm saying? Anyway, whatever. Who cares? No one gives a shit about what Brian thinks. But I'm watching Brian Moses' Instagram the other day, and he's at one of these roast battles in L.A. Place is packed.
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It looks like a bigger room than he's normally in. Place is packed. People are screaming their fool head off. It's like a quick-cut Instagram reel. And the person who's taking the video turns the phone around, and it's Farrah Abraham from Teen Mom. Do you know who Farrah Abraham is? Your girl. My girl. My girl.
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Porn star, porn star and teen mom, ex-teen mommer who got kicked off Teen Mom for being an idiot. And just in my opinion, one of the worst human beings to ever be on reality TV is Farrah Abraham. She's just a mean as a snake, weird, crazy. I don't know. She's I never cared for the girl. She made interesting TV, but I never cared for her. I like that show, but Farrah was my least favorite.
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But anyway, whatever. It doesn't matter. Farrah Abraham, three-time Pornhub Award winner, X-Teen mom, general click-baity bullshit girl, is on the dais. of the roast battle. And I'm like, that's very interesting. Not the usual cast of suspects that you would see at the dais on the roast battle, but also they invited us to be on the dais of the roast battle too.
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So I guess there is no usual suspects. But anyway, I was like, wow. Farrah Abraham, how in the world did she get connected to this whole universe? And why would they invite her to be on the dais? I mean, it's interesting. It's clickbaity, you know, Farrah Abraham.
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Goo Goo Dolls. Four Non Blondes. Emil and the Snifters. Cold War Kids. Scissor Sisters. The Japanese House. Billie Eilish. Pixies. Sex Pistols. Kaiser Chiefs. London Grammar. The Backseat Lovers. The Macabres. Pearl Jam. Florence and the Machine. Tears for Fears. Karongbin, TV on the radio. Holy shit. Wow, that's a lot. 311, who cares? That's not my thing, but whatever. Some people like them.
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No, she like the deus are like the people who are judging the people who.
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They they interact with the person that's on stage or the two people that's on stage. Usually the deus means the people who are roasting one person. But in the roast battle, there's two people up on stage roasting each other and then a table of judges.
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Yeah, she's a judge, I guess. I guess. I don't know. I didn't see the whole thing. But I was like, wow, that's weird. How did Farrah get involved in all of this? So I started to do a little research. And it turns out that Farrah's on a big PR press right now. She's out there doing her thing for her books and her dildo lines and all this other stuff.
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And she has recreated herself as a stand-up comedian. She is out there trying to be a stand-up comedian. Now, listen, I've said this a million times. I'm going to say it again ad nauseum. Uh, it takes a lot more bravery than I have to go up there and, you know, be heckled every night after night and try and put an hour of material together. So good on her.
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No, because it's not online. I didn't see any of it online, but I saw her go to multiple, you know, talk shows and talk about how she's this and that she did ketamine therapy. She's a new person and all this other stuff. I mean, the ketamine therapy is getting out of control. Can we just all admit that the ketamine therapy is not the cure all for everything?
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Ketamine therapy doesn't mean you're a better person. That's not what that means. It means you've taken a high dose of a, you know, essentially a drug that disconnects you from your own humanity, from your body.
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Absolutely could be used as a tool, but it doesn't make you an instantly a wonderful human. Yeah. Nor does it make you funny. Nor does it make you funny. Yeah. And I don't know.
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Because she's only done two shows. You know what I'm saying? She's only done two shows. But no, she's going to be a comic. But that's how this works. You know, D-list celebrity star. You know, Farrah was on Teen Mom. Then she got kicked off of Teen Mom because of some things that she did and some things that she said.
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And trust me, I think you really have to do something pretty terrible to get kicked off an MTV reality show. I don't even remember at this point. She, like, talked shit about the other cast members or didn't show up to filming and was, like, demanding. Being a team? Yes. But understand that Teen Mom has been on for 20 years. Does it go on? Yes, it is.
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It's the only television show besides Catfish that MTV has. It's the only one. There's no more Beavis and Butthead music videos. All those shows that were on MTV in the 90 minutes or whatever it was called.
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I'll show you how to search. I'll show you how to search when you get a moment on your TV.
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Let me... Let me do something real quick here. Let me talk to my phone. Let me talk to the other person that's inside my phone. Why did Farrah Abraham get kicked off of Teen Mom? Thinking. Thinking. Yeah, Farrah Abraham was essentially let go from Teen Mom in 2017 due to, oh, that's right, due to her involvement in the adult entertainment industry.
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Because, that's right, so in 2017, there was a bunch of noise that Farrah made that she had been unwillingly videotaped during a sexual encounter with an actual porn star. So she claimed that she had been videotaped and she wasn't supposed to be videotaped. And now, you know, this guy was going to release the videotape. It's like, you know...
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There's like a rubber stamp you put on the PR when your sex tape's about to release and this is it. Deny it ever happened and attract a bunch of attention. Make it sound like a bigger deal. Meanwhile, she made the guy sound like a total asshole. Turns out he's a pretty nice guy. He did her a favor by starring in her porn video. So then she makes this porn video.
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Then she goes on to make a series of porn videos. I don't care. Cool, dude. Make a porn video. But she made a big stink about it. And part of the reason I think she made a big stink at first was because she knew that the producers at MTV would have a problem with this. Now they'd probably love if you would go and make a porn movie.
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But I guess in 2017, it seems so long ago that, you know, so many universes ago that it was such a big deal that she got kicked off the show. Then she went on to continue her career in porn. And then she did. I don't know.
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It used to be my thing. Yeah, it used to be my thing. Counting crows. Dropkick Murphys. This has got to be a joke. Spin doctors? The black crows? No, there's no way they get them all in there. Really?
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Yeah. She opened up a fro-yo or something like that. Yeah. She owns a couple of fro-yos in L.A.
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She's riding her way to the top. She's scrappy. Yeah, she is scrappy. Do you say strappy or scrappy? Strappy and scrappy. Okay, strappy and scrappy. That's right. I bet her kid loves it. Oh, her kid is like now trying to be an influencer on TikTok. Yes. Her kid is now the same age she was when she had her. She's like 19 or 20 or whatever it is. This is just it is. I don't know.
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Something about it seems so off to me. Farrah Abraham is trying to give stand up comedy. There are so many talented comics out there that have been hucking and chucking and fucking for so long just trying to get their break. And then Farrah Abraham comes in, sucks all the air out of the room because she all of a sudden decides she's funny.
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And she's trying to get on the comedy bandwagon, just like we are, trying to get on the comedy bandwagon and make a few dollars. I'll tell you what, Farrah. I'll reserve judgment until I see the actual comedy.
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I've got an alert set up. I'll let you know if there's anything. I promise you she's not going to be hilarious. I'm going to bet $99.99 out of $100 that she's not funny because her personality is just kind of miserable in general. And I don't say that for any other reason. except she is a person who has a miserable personality.
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All you got to do is watch any episode she was in in Teen Mom to know she comes from misery. She picked up her mom's misery. She's anxious and miserable, and she's mean to the people around her.
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Listen, if ketamine does make you funny, then Chrissy and I are going to get an industrial barrel of ketamine, and we're just going to stick our faces in it five minutes before we come on air. Can you imagine? That's like my ultimate dream. My ultimate dream, and I know this is never going to happen.
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Yeah, to be funny. To have an episode of the commercial break, where it's funny from start to finish, is to do like some kind of crazy narcotic and get on and do an episode of the commercial break. But, you know, they're illegal, so we can't do them here in the state of Georgia, even though I don't even know if there are other police officers anymore. Do we even have those? I don't know.
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Well, Corona's got the money. That's for sure. They're now the number one beer in the world, I think. Are they? I think so.
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Yeah, they're in line. They're in the same Social Security line with my mom waiting for her check. Okay, we're not going to get into that. Yeah, that's going to make me have flashbacks, too. I don't want any of it.
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Yeah, anyway, I want to do some hard drugs and then just get on air.
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No, it's true. It's not like someone's going to come busting in the door. Right. We certainly couldn't do them on tape, but could we do them afterward? You remember Reggie sent us those like, you know.
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And that made me feel a little floaty. It was. I mean, I haven't done drugs in a long time, so I was like, whoa.
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I know. And then we talked for an hour and a half with Reggie. And then when we got off air for like two hours, I was like, oh, hey, babe. You take care of the kids.
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Oh, maybe it's Dos Equis. But I think Corona's like right behind them. Budweiser and Bud Light fell out of favor. Whatever. But I guess they're back in favor. They were out of favor. Now they're back in favor. But that's one hell of a lineup. It really is. I mean, that is three days of music. That's three days you don't want to miss. Usually a festival gives you a break.
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Yeah. Give me a chance to like pull myself together afterwards. Clean up. Take a shower. Mow the lawn. Yeah, mow the lawn. Take a shower. Play some Beethoven. I mean, I'm willing to give it a try. Maybe episode 1,000. Maybe that's what we do.
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Bam. And that way, if I just fall dead of a heart attack right here, then, you know, we've made it to 1,000.
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Yeah, okay. Thank you. I appreciate it. I was like, I got the, Oh, I got lasers. We got all kinds of wires and lights in here. We can concentrate them into a laser somehow for sure. All right. TCB podcast.com. That's where you go to find out more information about Chrissy and I, all the audio, all the video right there from one location at TCB podcast.com.
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You can also get your free TCB sticker or swag. Go to the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we will send you something. We promise. Oh, merch drop coming soon.
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windshield wiper merch drop coming soon. And you're going to want to take advantage of this because I'm not going to give away all the details, but it's going to be a special merch drop. You're going to want to take advantage. We'll let you know more information as well as going to say it, but not going to talk about it to 12 hours of TCV. Just stay tuned with more information in April.
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212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We take them all at that phone number via text message or leave us a voicemail and you could be on the next episode of the commercial break. We'd love to hear from our listeners. So many of you texting in all the time. Thank you very much. We appreciate it. And sometimes it takes a day or two for us to get back to you.
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So don't worry if you don't hear from us right away. I got three phones, and I can't take care of all of them at the same time. This one, one for my secret affairs, and the studio phone, which I also use for secret affairs.
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At the commercial break on Instagram and YouTube.com slash the commercial break for all the episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio most of the time. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe.
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Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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They say, hey, here's some shitty bands you never heard of so you can go take a piss and get some beer. Yeah. And then if you happen upon some new music, you're going to get all excited about it. You're like, oh, I saw this band I never heard of, but they were good. But this is all bands you've heard of.
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Trip Fest 2025!
Wow. Okay. But given Bonnaroo, run for their money. Yeah, there you go. Listening to you listen to a podcast where the guy was talking about ketamine therapy, and it reminded me of a conversation I had with one of our friends. I won't name her because she probably doesn't. I don't know if she wants this widely known. She's done mushroom therapy.
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before, her first time doing psychedelics, and she really enjoyed it. And I think she did it like four or five times, something like that, you know, over the course of time, that's how you do it. And she was with the therapist, I believe, and the therapist walked her through the whole thing. And she said, but this time I'm going to do a hero dose at a retreat where there's no guidance whatsoever.
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They have people there to keep an eye on you, but there's no guidance whatsoever. There's no one walking you through the situation. Right. And she goes, I don't really know what hero dose means. And I go, oh, I know what it means. It means you're going to think you're Superman and you're going to fly off a building. It means you can't see shit.
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It means you're gone, like total out of your body experience. And she's like, well, this dose is supposed to just reset you at like a carnal level, like, you know, at a base level. And I'm like, yeah, OK, go for ayahuasca. How much how many mushrooms do you have to take to get to that point of that perspective? Yeah.
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Because I've taken a lot of mushrooms before. I've taken a lot of acid before. And I've taken ayahuasca, which is about as strong, I think, of a hallucinogen as you can get. And they're vastly different experiences. And mushrooms, I consider the lightest touch of them all.
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Yeah, mushrooms, they just kind of make you feel warm and fuzzy and give you, hey, you might see a few things. Yeah, happy. You might see a few bubbles or trails here and there. But typically not that, like, life-altering reset at a carnal level. Like, that usually does not happen. So I told her, I said, I think Hero Dose means they're going to go for it.
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They're just going to give you as many mushrooms as they think you're physically able to handle.
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Trip Fest 2025!
And then go for it. And then no guidance whatsoever. That's brave. Go ahead, do that.
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That is brave. You know, here's the thing about hallucinogens. I haven't taken so many in my life. They really are like a door to a different world. And I don't know what's going on. Like scientifically, from this reality to that reality, I don't know how it's all connected. No one does.
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I don't know how it all works. I don't think anybody really does. But I think they're starting to understand that it opens something in your pituitary gland and that's called the God gland. And something is going on there where you are able to connect with some other version of reality. And a lot of people have these theories that you kind of go into an alternate universe or whatever.
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I don't know. That's such a personal experience. And that's the thing about hallucinogens, too. It's all personal. There's no rubber stamp on what your experience are. But, you know, if you're going to go whabam, do it, get it, like reset at a carnal level, you need to be prepared, number one. You need to be relaxed, number two.
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You need to be in a good or at least a stable headspace, number three. All of it. I mean, you know, music, no music, whatever. All of it. You need to be in a safe space, mentally prepared, relaxed, and relaxed. like kind of a stable place in your life.
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Like if the whole world is spiraling and you're under a huge amount of stress or something terrible has just happened to you or is going to happen to you, this is not the time to do this. I mean, I know they say like cancer patients and stuff like that, you know, face their death by going. That seems to me to be a very brave thing to do.
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Because you're already kind of mind fucked and then you're going to go mind fuck on mind fuck. Like double fucking doesn't sound really... I don't know. For me, it just... It seems very scary to me. And so I explained. I said, just be like... Be in a... Make sure it's a good day. Get up. Have your coffee. You take a shit. You know, you make sure you get a shower. Feel fresh and clean.
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And then just... Relax. Get ready for it. It's going to be a roller coaster if they give you that hero dose. But I like the term hero dose. I wish I had used that term when I was six hits of blotter acid in. Don't worry, Brian. It's just a hero dose.
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Yeah. Don't worry. Why don't you run out there in a bath towel and cut your grass while your father's out of town while Beethoven's blasting out of the window?
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I was a hero to the lawn and to all my neighbors who certainly reported back to my father that some strange events were occurring over at your house while you were gone. My dad goes out of town. Told this story before, but it's been a couple of years, so I'll refresh in case you haven't heard it. My dad goes out of town and we're at the age. I think it's like I think we're like 16 at the time.
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We're at the age where he can leave us alone for a day or two. It's not a very lengthy period of time, but it's a Friday night. And my mom is not there, so she's not living with us at the time. And he says, okay, guys, just don't destroy the place, right? There's food. There's money for pizza.
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Be good for one night. But I think he inherently understands that we're going to party. Yeah, of course. But we know this is coming for weeks, and we prepare for weeks. We tell all the trusted friends and neighbors and untrusted people. We tell everybody. We say, hey, come over, trip fest. That's what we called it. Trip fest.
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Presented by Jam Land Productions. Brian's shriveled up weenie. So my twin brother and I, and I don't know where my little brothers were at the time, but they weren't home. I don't know where they went. Maybe my parents were. Maybe my dad was smart enough to put them in a safe place.
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Yeah, he made arrangements. Maybe they went to Chicago. I don't know where they went. They weren't there. I know that much. But so it's Kevin and I. And Friday night comes and we have amassed a gold mine. of blotter acid and like a pound of weed. And I mean, not like regular weed, like at that time anyway, the diggity dank, the sticky icky. The kush.
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Which is really just like terrible Mexican schwag weed sprayed with some kind of chemical to get you extra high. But for us, at least in my circle of friends, there was no tripping without weed.
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They, of course, go hand in hand because you think in your tiny little 16-year-old pea brain that smoking weed is going to take the edge off any kind of bad trip you're having. Now, as an adult, I understand that you are really just adding gasoline to the fire. Right. I would never do that now. Never.
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I would never like, especially not with the weed they have now, I would never take a bunch of acid and then decide that I'm going to smoke a bunch of weed.
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Yeah, just on the weed. I've been there, done that. So TripFest is on. And TripFest actually became a thing. Like we had TripFest 2 and TripFest 3. You did? Yes, we did.
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I don't know if it was a yearly thing. It was whenever we could do it. Sometimes even my parents were home, but we'd get in. People would sneak in the basement door.
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When people would like fuck with you, they'd like, you know, trails, trails, trails, trails. And you'd be like, what? Huh? Yeah. Oh, it was the worst. Yeah. They'd wave the finger, turn off the lights and the glowing posters and the whole thing, you know, put on some trippy Pink Floyds with the wall.
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Yeah, it all is shits and giggles. Like, literally, shits and giggles. When you start off, you just get this... In case you haven't done it, like, LSD especially... Every, it's about 30 minutes in. If it's real LSD, it's about 30 minutes in and you start to feel like goosebumps. And then those goosebumps turn into this weird kind of like, I don't know, like almost like you're clenching your jaw.
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You're feeling the strychnine run up your back. Like it's a little weird. And then within an hour, you're fully immersed in whatever the trip is. And the trip is largely dependent on the kind of acid that you have, whether or not it's clean or dirty. And then number two, your frame of mind, who you're with, what you're doing. Yeah.
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And if you're active, if you're active, you know, I think it can kind of lend itself to a better experience because you're at least have purpose and you're doing something. If you're just sitting in your dad's basement smoking immense amounts of weed, nothing good could come of it. But now we have like there's like 12 people in this huge house and everybody is in the same frame of mind.
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It is mass chaos. And I can only imagine if we had cell phones back then, we would have been embarrassed by behavior as we're running up and down the basement stairs, yelling and screaming that certain things are happening when they're not happening. One guy's in the corner looking at the corner. Another person is crying. The third person is moaning upstairs.
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And, you know, people are watching the wall on TV. It was just like a lot of I just remember a lot of chaos. But also I'm tripping my balls off. So everything's very chaotic. So we go through this whole night of just craziness and I'm sure there's, and I know there is, there's multiple dosing. You know, you get two hours in and you're like, I can handle it. Let me take another one.
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Because I was never the kind of guy who just backed off. I needed to go a little further. I wanted to see how far I could take it.
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No. No, no, no, no. I've had enough. You didn't say that. My dad's not going to be home until Sunday. It's only Saturday at 6 a.m. I've got at least three more hits in me.
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No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, 10. Listen, we'll start curbing at about 3 p.m. Dad will be home in 12 hours. We've got to curb it at 3 p.m. So at some point in the night, some people kind of went away. I don't know. They drove home. They went away. Yeah, they went away safe and happy and feeling good. They drove themselves. Oh, my God. I know, but it is what it is. I don't know what to tell you.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They're treating the patients in real time during that hour, and those patients can stay for multiple episodes, depending on what kind of case they have, or they can be in and out in an hour. So it's fascinating. It's fantastic. I fucking love it. It's on Max. You should watch. Everybody should be watching this. It is very much being talked about right now.
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Just Fyre TCB!
It's already been picked up for a second season. Michael Crichton and his – Michael Crichton's estate had sued the pit because Noah Wiley was on ER. Oh. And then one of the writers and producers from ER also was a writer and a producer on this. So they're saying they stole the idea for ER. But I saw a couple episodes of ER. And I don't remember it being half as engaging as The Pit. Yeah.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Also, I was in my 20s when the ER or 20s or 30s when ER came out. And maybe it just wasn't that stage in my life when I could like deal with a medical drama. I love this show. Watch it. But there's a point here. There's never a point to the commercial break, but there's a point here. I have, for a long time on this show, have wanted to find a way to wrap music into the show. But we are not...
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yeah, we're big music fans. But the radio stations, you listen to radio or you listen to Howard Stern or someone on Sirius, and they can play all the music they want because they have ASCAP licenses. They're able to do so. Those things are terribly expensive. And I looked into it because I really wanted to play music on the show. And it's just not a possibility.
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Just Fyre TCB!
It's too expensive for the amount of downloads. For all five downloads we have, it's like $70 million. But I'm going to take some chances here and there, and I'd like to share with you new music when I find it. Now, this music is not new, but this is a fantastic song. I'm going to give you the name of a band, and I'm going to let you listen to a song. That was the opening song to The Pit.
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Just Fyre TCB!
It's the only place you can find music these days. Do you know what I'm saying? But they do do a great job. Because I think the... I think the cost of playing some of this music has come way down. And there are more licensees, like musicians, artists, people who own these rights, that are willing to put this music in shows for cheaper prices because they know it will lead to more streams.
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Just Fyre TCB!
It does, yeah. And that's the name of the game. When I was a kid, you would have never heard a Beatles commercial, a Beatles song in a cereal commercial. Fucking Frosted Flakes and Let It Be? Really? But... That has all changed. The landscape of music has completely changed to the point where it's so impossible to make money selling albums that these people have to make money anywhere they can.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They're willing to license these songs out. And I think they do it for a much more reasonable rate. And the people who are putting the music in these shows are really good at what they do. They find these little unknown artists and one commercial or television show can blow them up. Okay, ready? Opening to the pit, I'm going to say a name of an artist and I want to know if you have ever heard
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Just Fyre TCB!
Honestly, I wish this had played the whole episode. I just want to listen. I've listened to this for 15 hours.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I have no idea what this has to do with medical drama, but it's so good. Yeah. It's so good. It draws you into the first episode. And there's like shots of Pittsburgh and riding over the river. How are you going to turn a television show off if it's got this at the beginning? Am I right? Yes. Am I right?
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Just Fyre TCB!
So Robert Bradley, speaking of Love is Blind, Robert Bradley is a blind man. And the way that this band got started is the other members of the band wanted to start like a grunge band back in the 90s. They were like that grungy kind of thing, right?
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Just Fyre TCB!
They were definitely not Chopper Johnson material. They were in a practice space, I think in New Orleans. They were in a practice rehearsal space and on a break or getting ready to practice or whatever, the lead guitarist Robert Bradley singing in another studio space. The window was open. He could hear him through the window. And then he came out later. He heard him through the window again.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And then hours later, Robert Bradley still singing. And so he convinced him to come and sing for the band, sing with the music. And this is what came out of it. And some of the music that these guys put out is just fantastically soulful. And Robert's got that voice that I think only a blind man from New Orleans can have, honestly.
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Just Fyre TCB!
If you think about it for two seconds, that's a million years worth of life experience in that voice. And it just got me. I'm convinced. I'll watch The Pit for at least one episode.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And the funny thing is, there is not another drop of music in the entire series. That's it. One song, that's it. But whoever made that choice, whoever picked that song, whoever got Robert Bradley's shit, called the Robert Bradley whatevers and said, hey, can I use this song?
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Just Fyre TCB!
100% right that that gets you through the first 15 seconds and then you're involved you're like okay and then the doctor walks into the ER and he starts his shift and you're like okay well I guess I'll just stay around for one hour oh man and it comes out every Thursday fuck you Hulu I mean not Hulu Max fuck you I just want to watch all 15 hours is that okay I would burn through that show I really would anyway Love is Blind The Pit I would suggest The Pit before Love is Blind but you know they're both medical dramas in some way shape or form
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Just Fyre TCB!
All right, let's take a break. And I got to talk to you about something that is crazy. Something crazy has returned.
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Tina Tannen-Tweese is not responsible for lost or stolen items inside or outside the facilities or in your body cavity. Please be aware that TT&T is operating under a state carnival license and may not know exactly what they're doing. By entering TT&T, you agree that some of the chemicals and processes used may be harmful to your health.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Okay, are you ready for some of the craziest news you will hear music-related, festival-related this year? I think so. Or maybe ever. Do we all remember freaking the way fuck out back in 2020 when some douche canoesel, some scam artist decided to put together something called Fyre Fest? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Fyre Fest.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Best festival that never was. The best festival that never happened. On Pablo Escobar's private island with, you know, swimming pigs and bologna sandwiches and tents that weren't set up and artists that didn't show. And, you know, basically the total shit show that almost killed some people, honestly. Left them out in the middle of this island without infrastructure, water, food.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And certainly no festivals, certainly no music. And this guy went to jail. He did. Because he raised a lot of money. And that money went where? No one really knows. It went to just trying to put together a festival that was clearly short of the mark, but short of any mark like this.
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Just Fyre TCB!
This wasn't worthy of a dive bar, let alone an actual festival on a private island where people paid tens of thousands of dollars to get pampered for an entire five days. They didn't even get a pot to piss in. And lots of people were pissed and lots of people were stuck and lots of people were put in really tough situations, bad situations by this one guy.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Now, let me tell you how this has to do with the commercial break. Hmm. About three years ago, I get an email.
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Just Fyre TCB!
We're our own Fyre Fest. And like mauls to a flame, shitheads beget shitheads. Because about three years ago, I started getting communication from a guy who claimed to be one of the new executive producers for Fyre Fest 2.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They did bring it back. It is back. I mean, that's what they say, right? Yeah. Let me give you the skinny on this. They have not announced one artist, because I'm sure no artist would attach themselves to this. Right. Who would attach themselves to this?
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Just Fyre TCB!
I don't know either. But I can't imagine it's going to be anybody worth seeing. I'm sure that there is somebody out there who, if they get the money, they will go do it. Because it's hard to make money in music. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. So maybe they'll decide to do it. Okay. Okay. So three years ago, I start getting communication from a guy who will remain nameless.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And he starts telling me that he would like to put this guy who had just gotten out of jail on our show. Oh, yeah. Could he come on our show? Do you remember this? I do remember you saying that. Okay. Mm-hmm. And we communicate for a long time about this. We go back and forth.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I'm trying to make a decision about whether or not this makes sense for the show, whether or not we want to even get involved.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Remember, he only spent like a year in jail. Fire-faced. Hold on one second. I want to make sure that I get some of these facts right. Okay. So this guy communicates with me for about a month. And he says, they're going to put together a prep show for Fyre Fest 2 at a secret location somewhere in New York.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And if you allow Billy to come on your podcast, Billy McFarland, the guy who actually created this, the guy who went to jail, if you allow him to come on your podcast, then I can get you one ticket to... to this, like, Fyre Fest 2 prep concert, whatever. He was trying to put together, like, a satellite show or something, right? Okay. They were gonna make this big deal.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I don't think that ever happened. You could get a ticket to that. I will get you one ticket to that at face value. So, Billy was gonna come on the show, make an announcement about Fyre Fuck Fest, or whatever it was, too. Fyre Scam Fest 2. And then I was gonna have the privilege of paying Billy... To go to his show. Thousands of dollars to go to his show. But then I couldn't say anything bad.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I could ask questions, but I couldn't shit on Fyre Fest, whatever. It became this long, complicated conversation where clearly this guy was trying to get money out of me. He was trying to get me to pay him to have Billy on the show. Now... You're probably saying to yourself, Brian, do you even think Billy was involved in any of these conversations?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Or is this just some guy who decided, you know, I found a sucker, essentially. Well, I had been CC'd on multiple emails with Billy, and Billy responded on at least one occasion. And while I don't know Billy's specific email address for sure, 100%, sure seemed like it was Billy's email address. Let's just put it that way, right? So Billy was trying to get money out of podcasters like me.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I assume this, I'm not the only one. To then go and put his little shit fest together. And he hadn't even paid back the people who got fucked over the first time. That's right. He's trying to make money.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And as a matter of fact, I think our good friend Andrew Callahan, if I'm not mistaken, all gas, no brakes, found Billy McFarland and found out that he was acting as a ticket broker for prestigious concerts and events. And he was making trying to make thousands or tens of thousands of dollars reselling concert tickets after he got out of jail.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And they actually almost sent him back to jail because he wasn't allowed to do that. whatever it was. This guy is trouble. I mean, I get it. Second chances. I agree with it. I've had plenty of second chances in life myself. This, and I'm sure I'll have a few more before I'm dead. This, the commercial break has had 30 second chances in its life. We are the little podcast that couldn't.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But I'm going to tell you right now, don't give your money to these people because you will end up being disappointed. $1.1 million. Give the commercial break $1.1 million and we will turn off the RSS feed and the commercial break. You can put whatever name you want on it. Chrissy and I will do an episode every day for the next five years. Just to you. That's it.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But this guy, Billy, is notoriously dumb at what he does. And if you pay for Fyre Fest 2, you are just as dumb. Don't give this guy your money. Don't do that. Because he is going to disappoint you. There will be no Fyre Fest 2 in the way in which he envisions it or tries to sell it to you. He's a good salesperson. He doesn't follow through on what he says he's going to do. Time after time...
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Just Fyre TCB!
and he's always trying to build people out of money that's clearly billy's game you want to take a guess at how much these tickets are sure how about two thousand dollars for one fire fest general access pass it is fourteen hundred dollars what does that get you you might ask chrissy
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Just Fyre TCB!
I can't even get through this website because it's some complicated, you know, slick website. I think there is also a level of tickets where you need to fill out an application. Fill out an application. Fill out an application.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yeah, very exclusive indeed. Okay. For this, you will get access includes access to the festival grounds on Isla Mujeres. At the water stage, transportation will be provided from our preferred hotel locations. The Fire Ignite package grants four-day access to the Fire Fest, May 30th through June 2nd. Doesn't it seem like there's not a lot of time to be selling those tickets? No, there's not.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yeah, this is going to be a shit show, no doubt about it. You have to get your own travel. You have to get your own accommodations. But then there's another level of tickets, Chrissy, which I think is probably more suited to us. If we're going to go to Fyre Fest, this is what we're going to do. We're going to do the Fuego VIP experience. Oh, yes, Fuego.
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Just Fyre TCB!
We're going to do the Fuego experience, and what's that going to include? Let's see here. That is going to include access to Isla Mujeres. We're going to get to explore, embrace the unknown, and defy impossible alongside some of the most fascinating people in the world. Oh, my God. I don't know what this gets you besides that. Really?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Now, to be fair, this does include private travel. So you can, this website, by the way, Billy, is terrible. It's terrible. Who uses Flash anymore? Honestly. Oh, God. You're using Flash, dude. Stop it. Make a website that doesn't take up all the resources on your computer. Okay. Fire Phoenix package grants four-day Phoenix access to the Fire Festival. Okay. And that's all it says. What?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Clearly this can't be true. You don't get anything else but that?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yeah. Fuck that. I'm not going to do that. You don't even know who the artists are. Oh, Phoenix passes include complimentary luxury accommodations for two in the fire artist areas at the five-star Impressions Isla Mujeres or the five-star Almerari Isla Mujeres for three nights.
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Just Fyre TCB!
That's what you get for $1.1 million. And I think that's a much better deal than staying on a yacht for four days in a festival that no one's going to play at. You know what I'm saying? Is it going to be 33p acoustically? Who's going to play there?
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Just Fyre TCB!
One king or two doubles, private ground transportation to and from the Cancun airport or the fire ferry, and the fire concierge will reach out to the Phoenix pass holders to assist with travel and accommodations. Okay, so you get your travel. Commercial flights are ready. Oh, you don't even get travel on this one. It says commercial flights are readily available in and out of the Cancun airport.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Oh, now added the Prometheus package. For $1.1 million. Yes. Prometheus guests will live like the gods of fire. Prometheus pass holders have their accommodations provided by fire, and they will have the option of a four-stateroom yacht or a luxurious four-bedroom villa with immediate proximity and access to playa fire and festival grounds for three nights from Friday to Monday.
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Just Fyre TCB!
The fire concierge will reach out to you to coordinate your ultimate stay. You will also be flown in and out on a private plane. I mean, there's a sucker born every minute. I know that there's a sucker born every minute. I get it. And I also get that there are going to be some people on this earth who just can't pass it up.
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Just Fyre TCB!
In the year of Doji and Dogecoin and Haktua, you know, TuaCoin and all this other stuff, there are some people who have money who probably should have never had money. And they're willing to spend it just to be involved in something notorious like this. So I do have a feeling that Billy will sell tickets to this, even though he has announced no artist. No one knows who's going to be there.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And you're going to pay someone $1.1 million to take a private plane down to Cancun and stay only four nights on a four-stateroom yacht? I promise you.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Run your Amex to Billy's personal Zelle. That's right. I mean, honestly, guys, for $1.1 million, you could rent a four-stateroom yacht in Cancun. You could fly privately, probably for $50,000. A nice plane for $50,000 down to Cancun. Atlanta to Cancun and back, a really nice plane, like a 12-seater, like the kind you see in... Rap videos. You know what I'm saying? You get down there.
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Just Fyre TCB!
You can probably rent a yacht for 20 days fully staffed and go anywhere you want to in that Yucatan Peninsula and come home with $500,000 in your pocket. I promise you it does not cost $1.1 million to rent a yacht for four nights and be at a festival with Where no one's playing. There's no one announced. Why would you do that? I don't know, Billy.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I'm sure that somebody likes him, but I'm going to tell you right now, don't give your money to these people because you will end up being disappointed. $1.1 million. Give the commercial break $1.1 million, and we will turn off the RSS feed and the commercial break. You can put whatever name you want on it, and Chrissy and I will do an episode every day for the next five years. Just to you.
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Just Fyre TCB!
That's it. That's what you get for $1.1 million. And I think that's a much better deal than staying on a yacht for four days in a festival that no one's going to play at. You know what I'm saying? Is it going to be 33p acoustically?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. I was going to say you're the Mads to my Dave.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I can't believe someone's letting him do this. I mean, I guess, you know, who's going to stop you from doing it, but I can't believe the people down in Mexico haven't seen the movies. They're not like, ah, you know, we should get a deposit. We should get a deposit.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yes. And I think that Billy is probably hedging his bet. He's waiting for people to buy tickets so that then he can pay artists to get down there. That's why he hasn't announced anybody because what festival in the world is start selling tickets in artists.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I know that there's, like, Bonnaroo's been going on for thousands of years, and it'll probably be the last thing remaining when the fucking, you know, asteroid comes down to Earth. We'll probably all be at Bonnaroo. And so they sell tickets year-round even before they announce, but they have a track record of treating you right. They have a track record of doing this.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They have a track record of being successful at getting really fucking good artists year after year, time after time. Billie has zero track record of anybody even showing up to play on a stage. Ha! Why would you trust that he's going to give you the best experience ever? What is the experience? Being in a hotel in Mexico for $25,000? Fuck you. Fuck you. I don't believe it. I don't take it.
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Just Fyre TCB!
That being said, I am going to email this guy that I was talking to a couple of years ago and see if we can get a couple of tickets to go down there. Yeah. Because it was going to turn into a shit show. I want to be there. Right. So we can document it all here on the commercial break.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Oh, yeah. Oh, you know there's going to be. Yeah. There's probably media requests out the ass. And after this rant, I'm sure we won't be invited. But we'll try nonetheless. Okay. We'll take a break. And we'll be back.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But, you know, I don't know how many people will get that, how many people will pick up on that. Will you pick up on it?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Okay, so I wanted to follow up on a conversation that we had a couple of days ago about the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
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Just Fyre TCB!
The band is not Maña, it's Mana. And they are a very famous Mexican rock and roll band.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Nice. Astrid saw them when she was a kid, and she really loved them. And so I got myself educated about them and their music. They're older. They're like the bad company. They're like the Zeppelin. They're older. They're loved. They've got billions of streams on Spotify, so clearly they're very popular. And they are... in this year's Rock and Roll nomination class.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And that means that the Academy, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Academy, or voting class, is currently voting on who should get in. And I think they elect five every year, if I'm, induct five every year, if I'm not mistaken. And then you can vote. We, the public, can vote. Also, you can vote up to seven times.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yeah, you can vote up to seven times. It might even be seven times per day. Go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame website. and vote. But I think there's like a couple thousand members that vote, I believe. And our vote only counts for one of those votes. So it's almost a joke at the end of the day, right? I get why they're doing it, but you don't have any real effect on what happens.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But I thought that I would get an update on where we stand with the voting. With just a couple of days left to vote, I thought we should get in the game here, right? Okay. Currently, Phish are in the lead. After just a couple weeks of voting, 101,000 fans have voted as one of the 14 nominating classes, one of the 14 nominees for the class of 2025.
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Just Fyre TCB!
This is the first time that the group has been nominated. Billy Idol is in second place. There are so many people on this earth that aren't well. Billy Idol? Of all the people, Billy Idol? Honestly? Yeah. But maybe then you think about who the people are who would go to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame website and vote just like I did. I voted for OutKast, by the way.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Soundgarden is in third place with 57,000 votes, followed by Cyndi Lauper, Bad Company, Joe Cocker, Chubby Checker, so far down the list. That's a joke. The Black Crows lead the back half of the list. With 39,000. Mariah Carey, 36,000. Outkast is 35,000. Oasis is 32,000. Joy Division is 31,000. While the White Stripes are at 31,000. Really? I'm surprised. And Mana comes in with just 12,000.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I am not. I am only three episodes in, but I unfortunately saw a reel that indicated what I'm headed into. So here we go. Love is blind. Okay. Don't tell me everything, but love is blind up to episode four. Spoiler alert. Turn off the first segment because we're going to talk about it. Love is Blind is back. Because it seems like it's back every two months now. It is.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Okay, so there's 1,200 people who vote. And ours counts as one vote. That's kind of a joke. They should make it one artist. Allow the public to vote first. Whoever wins is inducted. And then the other people, the other 1,500 people, 1,200 people who vote on it, then they get to vote the other four. That feels like it would make – then it would be meaningful to me.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And I think you get a lot more people to vote on it if that was the case. Because I'm tallying all of that up. If you can vote seven times, maybe seven times in a day, and there's only like 500,000 or 600,000 votes that have been cast, that's not like a huge amount of votes that are being cast. But if they said, okay, now you're going to induct one of the five –
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Just Fyre TCB!
then I would be much more involved in it. Yeah, I'd actually want to go and vote. I agree that Fish should be inducted. It's their first class inductees if they do get inducted. I don't agree with the rest of the way that this is going down. Chrissy and I told you guys this. Fish, Joe Cocker, Chubby Checker,
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Just Fyre TCB!
White Stripes, Outkast. Those are the people who absolutely need to be in. Soundgarden will come around again. They will be in. Don't worry about it.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Bad Motor Finger? Yeah, it was good. Oh, man, is it good. Oh, man, is it good. Life-changing, actually. Just the way that it's put together.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Oh, I didn't drive until I was 18. I didn't have a license until I was 18 years old.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I drove across the country with other people. No, I wasn't driving with other people driving. Yeah. But man was I mean, that was like a transformative album. I just absolutely loved it. So, yeah, Soundgarden will get in and I agree that they deserve to get in. But Joe Cocker has had to. This has got to be his 30th time being nominated. I mean, for God's sakes.
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Just Fyre TCB!
How many times are we going to nominate Joe Cocker before he gets in or Chubby Checker even? He was around in the 50s. This has got to be his 30th year being nominated. Chubby fucking Checker.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I'm telling you why I did not like Tutti Frutti. It's because when I was in the band playing my sexy phone, full of saliva and spit flying everywhere, when I was playing my sexy phone... I had to play Tutti Frutti was one of the songs that we played at the football games. You did? Yes. How did that go?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Yeah. Yes. And that 150 times over and over and over again while they set up the next play. Whatever they do in football. That's why Brian did his best to avoid Friday nights at the stadium in high school. Yeah, I was sick. I wasn't there. I was in disguise. I would not show up to the band, but I would show up to the game and not go in the stadium so I couldn't be seen by my band director.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They're constantly doing one. And they're about a year behind on production. So what you're seeing now is filmed about a year ago. And I see why they do this is so that when they get together for the recap, the live reunion, they actually have some meat and potatoes to talk about. Some time has gone out. People who are married are either married or not. People who have been together.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I mean, I did everything I could to get out of those. Not because I was embarrassed to be in the band. It was neither here nor there. I wasn't particularly a popular kid in school anyway. You just wanted to have fun. I just wanted to have fun. I didn't want my Friday nights taken by...
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Just Fyre TCB!
Have sex? I don't know. I thought there were going to be hot band chicks playing the flute, and I was going to get... I was going to get in their first chair, if you know what I mean. I thought I was going to wet their reed. Do you know what I'm saying? You did it for the looks. I had to take an elective. My parents encouraged us to do things outside of school, like any parents do.
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Just Fyre TCB!
You try and be a well-rounded person. I loved music. There was no doubt about that. I had a passion for it. I was playing that loud guitar horribly at home for hours on end. And I think that I just wanted to direct that energy somewhere, and the band seemed like the natural place to do that. At least I got to play the instrument.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But I didn't want to fully commit to everything the band had to do. Like, I liked to go to Busch Gardens every year for the band stuff, for the band, you know, the band camp, or whatever it was, the band challenge, or whatever it was, you know, that cost my dad $10,000 so I could go and smoke cigarettes and avoid any responsibilities with the band for five days. I liked that kind of stuff.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But the Friday nights at football, years in a row, it was kind of a little much for me. I actually wanted to see what the other kids were doing when I was sitting there.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I swear to God. I swear to God. I do remember a specific night. And my band director would get on my ass. His name was Mr. Poole. And he was really a lovely guy. And he was just trying to guide a very...
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Just Fyre TCB!
wild child into some kind of responsibility and he could be tough right uh i think he was a man of a certain flavor if you know what i mean i think he i think he was uh you know i think he liked other men that's what that's what i think and so he was very effeminate
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Just Fyre TCB!
in his movements his actions and his voice but you could he you were just as scared of him as you were of the senior varsity football coach because when he meant business he meant business yeah and he got he could get an ornery real quick and it kind of scared me a little bit And so he would always like jerk a nod in my chain. He called me into the office. Where were you on Friday night?
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Just Fyre TCB!
And I'd be like, I was Mr. Poole. I really was not. This is the third Friday night. You are not feeling good. So the next Friday night that you're not feeling good, you're going to be leading scales in the class for the next two weeks. And I didn't know my scales. So I didn't want to lead scales. No one wanted to lead scales. So I was like, oh, shit.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And then so I remember one night I was stoned out of my brain. It was Friday night. The game started at 730. It was like 630, 645. And I knew I had to go there, but I was too stoned to do it. Like I was just too stoned. And all my friends were going to the game. So what did I do? I never wore a baseball cap. I still don't. Very rarely I wear a baseball cap. I put on a baseball cap.
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Just Fyre TCB!
It just gives them some breathing room. Plus, it probably takes a long time to cut and edit those shows. Yeah.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I put on some baggy clothes, and I went in, and I stood in the back. I had no fun whatsoever. I was paranoid. I can't imagine. And one of the girls in the band recognized me, and she was like, shouldn't you grab your saxophone? And I was like, huh?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Huh? No, I don't think I understood what she said. She was like, I was like, huh? And I just, I ran. I ran out of the place. I was like, I was too scared. And she kept my secret. Thank you very much for keeping my secret. Oh, sweet of her. Yeah, it was.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But I'd say if there were like, you know, 10 home football, 7, 8, 10 home football games a year, Mr. Poole was lucky if Brian showed up to two of them. Two of them. But I'll tell you what I did show up to. I always showed up to the... graduation ceremonies, which were at the Atlanta Symphony Hall in these huge symphony hall. Huge, right?
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Just Fyre TCB!
And we would have to sit on stage and play that fucking song, the March of the whatever, you know. We would have to play that while every single graduating student came up and got their degree. And even though the school was much smaller, like two hours, it was like, you know.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Into a storyline that makes sense. And they do storyboard these out, make no bones about it. They flip flop, you know, they might take something that happened on day three and make it look like it happened on day two to further the storyline. You get it. It's editing of a reality show. It's not all straightforward. They have to make it interesting.
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Just Fyre TCB!
But I liked it because it gave me and my first chair friend a chance to go downtown, smoke cigarettes around the building, and fuck off for a couple of hours. And kids, that's really what's important in high school. Smoking cigarettes and fucking off for hours. Believe me. More good advice from Uncle Brian.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I don't. No, I don't, really. But, I mean, I didn't realize how good it was back then to have a home that was paid for, electricity that came on no matter who paid the bill. You know, I didn't have to worry about working.
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Just Fyre TCB!
You know, work was essentially just for fun money. You know, smoking cigarettes wasn't going to kill you. They didn't know that back then. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Just like... I tell my kids all the time, don't try and grow up. Don't try and grow up. It's okay. Just enjoy it. Like, don't worry about the next thing. Don't worry about, you know, what mommy and daddy are talking about.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Enjoy. Yeah, turn the lights off and go to fuck to bed. Stop throwing up on my shoulder.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Listen, you know, you get to a certain point in life and you realize just how good you had it back in the day. Yeah. But I digress. The truth is, kids, I should have followed through on my responsibilities and shown up and played on Friday Night Football because that would have been the right thing to do. But then I wouldn't be the same lazy, mediocre comedy podcaster I am today.
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Just Fyre TCB!
That's right. Canceling recordings every fifth day. I don't want to do it today. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. That's where you can leave us text messages, questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas. We'd love to hear from you. We will respond. Or you can leave a voicemail, and maybe you'll hear your voice on the next episode of the commercial break. How's that? How's that for a deal?
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Just Fyre TCB!
That's good. You don't have to sit that one out. Go. Leave us a voicemail. I'll cut it up in weird ways and make you sound strange. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB podcast on TikTok. And do us a favor. Go watch our show after you finish listening to our show. YouTube.com slash the commercial break. For all the episodes, the same day they air here on the audio. They air here.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They air here. They air here. on the audio feed, and tcbpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video, and your free TCB swag. Give us your address. We'll send you some. No muss, no fuss. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. Goodbye.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I got to say, slow start on Love is Blind season number 12 or whatever, Ron. Slow start.
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Just Fyre TCB!
They do, well, there's three full episodes. Now, I believe four full episodes. It goes into like, they're still in the pods. I'm in like six. Oh, really? Yeah. They're still in the pods at six? Mm-hmm. I thought that was long. Yeah, that's a little unusual. Yeah. I think two seasons ago, they had like two episodes in the pods. Right. And then they were right at the honeymoon. Yes, exactly.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I like that. Plus, I like my people a little crazier than they are this season. However, there is one X factor that everybody is talking about who's watching Love is Blind. Her name is Mads or Madison. She is a smoke show. Smoke show. And when I mean a smoke show, I mean the type of woman who eats men for breakfast and spits them out before brushing her teeth. At noon.
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Just Fyre TCB!
This girl is trouble with a capital T. Been there, done that. I literally have dated women with the exact same personality. Now, Astrid and I are watching because this is a couple's watch. There's not a lot of stuff that we have as a couple's watch because Astrid doesn't like me watching TV with her anymore. But she'd prefer I be in the studio than anywhere else. But this is a couple's watch.
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Just Fyre TCB!
So we got excited. Love is Blind, you know, it happened to come out on Valentine's Day. So we sat, we watched. But it was so slow. The first episode or two were so slow. We only got through one episode a night. Whereas last season or the season before, we were getting through two or three, maybe four episodes in a night. New episodes would drop and we'd burn through them. Mm-hmm.
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Just Fyre TCB!
So I wasn't super hyped about this season after the first episode, but smartly, the producers started focusing in on a girl named Madison. Nassar and I are watching this. Madison's having these dates, and she's kind of whittling it down to two or three guys. But every guy that she is talking to, she is trauma dumping all of the things that have happened to her.
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Just Fyre TCB!
When a guy says something, she will say, let me give you an example. Well, my mom was a drug addict, and so I had to raise myself and make hard choices. Mm-hmm. Fast forward to a couple scenes later, she's with a different guy. Well, I grew up in a very strict church. And I thought to myself, you grew up in a very strict church with a drug addict mother? Like, something didn't add up to me.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And every time they showed Madison, she had yet another trauma, another drama, another... And listen, I'm not diminishing trauma. If she did have a drug addict mother and had to grow up and raise herself... I kind of raised myself too. Like that's a very traumatic thing to go through.
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Just Fyre TCB!
And as an adult, if you haven't kind of sat down and reasoned with that part of your life, then it's a very difficult thing to move past for sure. And so, but she kept saying, I'm past it. I've done it. I'm self-aware. But then every time something came up, she had to bring up the trauma again, every time, every conversation. Another example,
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Just Fyre TCB!
I don't want to talk about sex right now because I grew up in such a strict church. I'm very... Oh, yeah. I'm very... I remember her saying that. I'm reserved. And I was made to feel like sex is shameful and that women weren't supposed to have sex unless it was for the purpose of making babies. Very next scene, she's like half naked, twerking, basically...
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Just Fyre TCB!
mutually masturbating with another guy in the pod. Yeah. Which was very, and I know the producers did this on purpose to kind of like, you know, give this, hey, she's saying this, but she's doing that, saying this with this guy, doing that with that guy. What's up? So they're also honing in on this and they're doing it slowly and pretty connivingly, but you can pick up on it very early.
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Just Fyre TCB!
So if you haven't watched it, I'm giving it to you. I'm not giving away anything, but Madison is trouble with a capital T. And one of these guys is on to her. One of these guys is so... Self-aware, and I think emotionally intelligent, that when Madison is saying these things, he is not, like, rolling over like a puppy dog for her sexy voice. Now, he has no idea what she looks like.
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Just Fyre TCB!
I don't think, anyway. He has no idea what she looks like, but just the way she talks can kind of twist you into a knot. I'm sure a lot of these guys are just drooling listening to her voice and her talk in this sultry, sexy way. Well, one of the guys...
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Just Fyre TCB!
he's seeing past it and he's like yeah I don't know he asks what's your attachment style and she says dismissiveness whenever something happens that I don't like I tend to run away from it right and he says yeah I don't think I like that I don't think that's something I could handle he's being honest with her where the other guys are like Madison Madison well wait till you see let's take it a little further in oh really well I saw the reel this morning and I understand what what did it say
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Just Fyre TCB!
Did she kind of like blew up the whole thing for another girl altogether?
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Just Fyre TCB!
Okay, well, drop the bomb. Drop the bomb. Really? Yeah. Love is blind. Love is blind. Spoiler alert. We're talking about it. By the time this comes out, everybody will have already seen it.
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Just Fyre TCB!
This is the guy who I was talking about. I like that guy. I like that guy, too, because he was honest with himself. He's like, I think something's off here, and I'm not going to just— He doesn't do the engagement. Wow.
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Just Fyre TCB!
Very interesting. Good for you. I think that guy's name is Dave. Good for you. Dave or Sean, one of the two. Good for you, Dave. Good for you. I'm so proud of you, Dave. Yeah. I'm so proud of you. Because he's really smitten. Yeah, of course. And if he saw what she looked like, he's probably going to kick himself in the fucking nuts. Yeah. Yeah, she was a model. She's an artist.
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Just Fyre TCB!
She's an international woman of mystery. I mean, every time someone talks to her, she did something different. She's doing something different. I don't know. She seems like a bit of a chameleon to me, like an emotional chameleon. And listen, I'm not pointing out Madison to say that, you know, don't take this as, oh, Brian just thinks all girls are crazy. No, I don't.
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Having lived with it, dated it, been there, done that. And maybe we all have had some similar experience with someone that just is an emotional chameleon. They gaslight you. They tell you whatever you want to hear. They give you love. They pull it away. This is Madison. This is what she's doing. And you can see it even through the editing of the show.
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If you've ever been in one of these relationships, guy or girl, then you feel it. You're like, oh, this seems a little too familiar to me. And even though Madison is a total bomb of a physical woman, It's just so much – there's so much drama behind those eyes that it's like run as fast as you can.
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Yeah, he's going to kick himself in the nuts when he finds her Instagram. When he finds her Instagram bikini pictures, he's going to fucking flip out. I haven't even looked at her for her – I get a little – Like, I don't want to, like, ruin it for myself. Right.
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And I know that they're not supposed to post and, you know, but you can, like, tell little things if you check out their Instagram. They make rather benign Instagram posts until the episode reveals whatever the episode reveals. But, yeah. But then the rest of the stories are like, eh.
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Oh, really? Okay. All right. Well, don't tell me that, because we so far have seen one engagement, and it looks like something that actually could be promising.
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Yeah. Is that the one where we're seeing cracks? No. Okay, good. All right, because I like those, too.
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Oh, it's when they see each other? It's another couple that when they see each other.
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Love is not blind, guys. Love is not blind unless you're actually blind. Do you know what I'm saying? That's it. It's just the truth. We use all of our senses to eat. We use all of our senses to fall in love with all of our available senses. Let's put it that way. But love is not blind unless you're actually blind. That's the truth. It can't be.
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There's no way you can't look at someone you're not attracted to and go, I want to fall in love with that person. It's really hard to do that. I mean, it is. So many people have tried with me and it just didn't work out with anybody except for Astrid. And I want to get her eyesight checked. You won the prize with her. I did win the prize. I married up for sure. All right.
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While we're on television shows, which we tend to talk about once a week, but while we're on television shows, I wanted to let you know. I am watching, I think, probably one of the best television shows I have seen in a long time. And let me preface this by saying I am not a medical drama kind of guy. ER. What was the other one? Grey's Anatomy. You can name the endless amounts of medical dramas.
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that there have been on television, St. Elsewhere, all the medical dramas that have been on television and caused quite the ruckus, quite the stir. I have just never been convinced they're interesting enough to watch for any period of time. I'm not into it. It's not for me. I'm sorry. It's just like a... It's like...
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I don't know, like bad romance drama wrapped in with some medical bullshit and there's always some mystery that someone's uncovering and some medical miracles happened out of nowhere. It's all a little too fluffy and bullshitty for Brian, okay? I like Seven Little Johnstons. That's where good television lives. However...
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I am on the pit. And the pit is so fantastic. And that Noah Wiley, who's on that show, executive producer, co-writer, and the lead in that show plays like the pit is a teaching hospital in Pittsburgh. They call it the pit because he works in the emergency room that is filled with people and they don't have enough time. They don't have enough money and they don't have all these other reasons.
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It's just like a real live emergency room. It is so incredibly real. Down to the props that they use for the medical procedures, the words that they're saying. They're using words that clearly only surgeons or doctors or medical professionals would even know.
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Yeah, on a real emergency room. Not one where they're fluffing up the language for the viewers to kind of homogenize it for everyday viewers. This is like they're saying the real words. And then in between, the storylines slowly unfold. And the storylines are interesting enough to keep you engaged. The acting is fantastic. It's quick-paced. They're taking care of a new patient, you know.
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And, by the way, I love how this is done. It's 15-hour shift. at the pit, 15 episodes an hour each show. So you're actually following them minute by minute during the show. So it's not like there's big jumps in time forward or backwards. I mean, there are some flashbacks so you can get some of the story. But basically, when it's 9 a.m., you're following them from 9 a.m. to 10 a.m. And you're...
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Well, I mean, I'm just going to take out the trash. What am I? Right.
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Well, if you're going to starve, it doesn't matter where you're going.
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What am I? Some frou-frou man? I'm a guy. I'm a dude. I can go out there without it. Clearly. Yeah. I'm wearing sandals and a short-sleeved t-shirt and complaining about the fact that it's cold. And now I'm like, at night, I'm going down this rabbit hole of watching people climb Everest. I'm in this Everest rabbit hole, they call it.
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I have no idea why people want to... I mean... Have no idea.
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To each their own, granted. But from the outside, to me that looks like, why would you... I think this is why I'm down the rabbit hole.
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Why would you ever want to go almost... I don't even want to hike to Stone Mountain. I know.
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We've done it a couple of times. I mean, we've been to the top of Stone Mountain a couple of times. I don't even like being that high.
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Why would I really put my life at risk? Consciously, from the moment I said, yes, I'm doing it, there is... And I don't even know the statistics.
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Okay, well, then first, and then to make my life miserable? That's it. Because when I was a kid, I remember there was... And I forgot. There's like a Venezuelan guy that when I was a child made it to the top of the Everest. The Everest.
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Thank you. Well, that's what I get from watching Bridgerton.
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Yeah, and then he went on to be some type of coach that would go to businesses to give speech and blah blah.
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But and back then, I remember he went to like my mom at the time, the company where my mom was working at. And he gave, you know, a conference and my mom came back.
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And then my mom came back like, oh, my gosh, we saw this guy, blah, blah, blah. You know, like he's one at the time. Apparently, he was like one of very few people that had made it to the top. Right. But I believe by now, like, after internet and social media and all that, like, we realize there's actually a lot of people have made it.
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Now, I'm not taking... I have... I don't want to, like, take away the challenge.
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But I don't want to be one in already thousands of people have made it.
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Listen, and here's the wrap on Everest, is having watched now hundreds of hours of content, and I don't know why I'm watching it. I think because it's so antithetical to anything I would ever think about doing. I understand it. So you now have... At base camp down at the bottom of the mountain, you have five different camps. And at base camp, it's basically a five-star hotel. They bring chefs.
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They bring TVs. They bring satellite radios. You have internet. Everybody's going up there for the clicks. Everybody wants to get to the top because they want to do – like some dude was the first dude this last year, the first guy to do a backflip on the top of the mountain.
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no one's life is that perfect no scene is always that pretty no relationship is that perfect no even when you have an airplane private airplane your life still sucks in some way shape or form money doesn't solve all problems vacations don't solve all problem problems and no one and i mean no one mormon moms cooks fucking chocolate cake in a goddamn three thousand dollar dress fuck you
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The backflip on the top of Everest, hundreds of people, if not thousands of people, have died in pursuit of getting up to the top. No matter how you do Everest, it's hard. And no matter why you do Everest, it's hard.
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You are putting your life in your own hands, and you are very likely putting other people's lives in your hands, like the porters and sherpas that have to go with you and do all this stuff. And if you are ill-equipped, if you have never done something like this before, you can still get to the top of Everest. But do you make it down is the question.
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And I just am baffled by people who have no experience doing mountaineering whatsoever deciding that Everest is all of a sudden something they want to do because you can pay a company to basically float you up to the top of it. But people die and they die because inexperienced people try and go up there.
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But it's similar to, and yes, exactly. I agree. Like random people who have never.
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Because if you, if that has been a goal of you for years and you have like worked and trained to get to that point. I mean, sure. Right. Same thing happens with like divers and a fisher, fisherman or whatever, you know, all kinds of different high risk.
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no spearfishing was such a dangerous sport right when you don't have any equipment well no i wouldn't try and do that either i am equally as afraid of the top of everest as i am of the bottom of the ocean i don't want to do either of those two things no i don't i forgot the name in english but when you like the the ones who dive with no equipment oh free diving free they call it free diving yeah yeah um oh that i've watched a lot of movies on that too that's crazy
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So, but it's just like people, you know, you have the people who died and, you know, oh, I want to see the Titanic.
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Listen, those people, we talked a lot about that. I still have a hard time believing that people went down in a tin can developed by some dude that was just grifting off people. By the way, and listen, I like explorers. are important people, people who want to push boundaries, go places other people don't want to, and test endurance, human endurance.
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But I can appreciate that there's a difference between doing that blindly because you think there's some recognition or some hoopla for it, and then having some internal drive to do it and also having a brain to go along with it. I would just ask a person who has no mountaineering experience, decides they want to go on an Everest adventure, which, by the way, can be two to three months.
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You might get one or two days that the window is good, and when there's thousands of people on the mountain, there's a traffic jam, and that's why people are dying.
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I would ask somebody, if you have no experience mountaineering, and you want to go to the top of Everest, and you think paying somebody $50,000 to shepherd you up there is a good idea so you can take a picture at the top of the mountain, would you also... go 500 to 600 feet underwater, hold your breath for 15 minutes? No, without any training?
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Of course you wouldn't, because that's a dumb fucking idea. It's the same principle applies when you go to the top of Everest. And listen, I'm not the guy who would ever climb Everest. I don't know what it's like. And I will say that anybody who even tries it, attempts it, has bigger cojones than I do.
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So I'm not trying to like shit on people who just decide they want to go up and decide they want to go to Everest. But I watch all these videos, and I understand that people who really do love Everest and love mountaineering and love climbing and do it for a living, they're very concerned about how many people are now just showing up at Everest trying to get up to the top for no reason.
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It's become like a commercial thing. It's very commercialized. Like everything, right? And we should really try to maybe pay more attention to it.
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Yeah. Let the professionals go up Everest. Let National Geographic do that. They're good at finding people who are professional for that. We all have Stone Mountain to climb. Stone Mountain! Over 200 feet tall. You could take a tram up to the top.
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Yeah, about something happening. Dun, dun, dun, dun! That's bad news. Don't tell me. I can't take it.
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Oh, he unalived himself? Or he accidentally unalived himself?
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When you go to the top of that stone mountain, it's very flat at the top. And there's like a huge area where you can stand. But it's clear that there's a line. And if you go past that line, it's just a sheer drop off. And they have gates there. They have like fences and gates. They do? On some parts of it, they have fences and gates. But still, it always makes me very nervous. Yeah, me too.
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You know, the couple times you've taken the kids up there.
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Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't like heights in general. I don't like heights in general, and that's why I even surprised myself climbing up that rock wall at Great Wolf Lodge. I was very proud of myself. I don't know why I did it. I did it because you said that I couldn't do it. That's why I did it. I did it just to spite you. How do you feel about that?
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I am. I'm like a child. And you're my fourth child. No, I'm not. I just have to take care of you a lot less.
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Okay, well, we'll hear Astrid toot more of her own horn when we get back. I want to talk about the TikTok ban that lasted 24 hours, talk about Trump meme coin and the Melania meme coin, and tell you why I think we should all get in on this action, grifting ourselves to death right after these words. We'll be back.
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Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to another episode of The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene, this is the CEO of TCB, my wife Astrid. Best to you, Astrid.
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Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. 800 episodes of this show and you still don't know to say best to you. You're fired!
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Okay, back here with Astrid as Chrissy and Christina take a inclement weather day, whatever the fuck that means, inclement weather day.
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Actually, I don't want to go outside either, so I can't blame them. Yeah, and if there is, on the off chance that there is snow, I wouldn't want... Chrissy and Christina stuck here. Yeah, because they would be miserable in this household if they had. Let's listen to our children run around for five, six days, however long it's going to be. It's going to be cold for the next week, too. Geez.
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this is kind of like chris's signature um well yours and chris's signature you know welcome to the show true so as i was getting ready i was like well no i i don't think i should you know i don't want to like you don't want to say best to you i mean i do yes and no
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Well, there's like a winter storm. Yeah, there's... Passing through, like, the whole country.
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I know. And you know what the crazy thing is? It's like, even in Amelia Island, they're expecting snow down there. That's kind of insane. I know.
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That's what I... Listen, I don't know how the things go. But yesterday, last night, I was looking at the weather channel.
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And it showed, like, parts south of here were getting snow.
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And were not. And I was like, well, I don't know how the math works, but in my head, I would have thought...
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Well, it just has to do with the way the jet stream is passing over us, and the jet stream pushes the moisture down south instead of up here. So don't ask me. I'm not a weatherman, but I think I can predict the weather better than some of the weathermen, if I'm being honest. A week ago, we were going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.
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Now we're not even going to get any snow, but the kids are still home, and Chrissy and Christine aren't here. So Astrid and I doing an episode here in the studio. It's convenient for us to just – Walk down the hallway and do an episode. So there you go. All right. So TikTok ban. TikTok ban went into effect on Sunday.
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On Monday afternoon, Donald Trump signed an executive order basically giving TikTok more time. I think he gave them 90 days to figure out whatever it is they need to figure out. I don't know if they need to be sold or change the way they're doing things.
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Apparently, the deal was that they needed to sell it to... An American owner.
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Yeah, they're going to sell it to Elon. Well, I don't think that should happen. I mean, I don't want to go down a big political rabbit hole, but it's clear to me that Elon has lost his marbles. And I don't know if any of these funds that could afford to fund Elon to buy it would actually take the risk on Elon buying it.
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Because if Elon did to TikTok what he did to Twitter, he will devalue it overnight and it will just be another shit show. Lots of other platforms like Blue Sky and Threads, they're really getting a ton more traffic because people have realized that when you build your world on someone else's platform, the rug can get pulled any day. Now, Threads and Blue Sky are somebody else's platform too.
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But being a content creator is really tough. And a lot of these TikTokers rightfully... had the holy shit scared out of them because their only source of revenue was turned off for a day. And what was scary was the thought that that could happen forever. So I really feel for a lot of these creators.
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TikTok pays, I think, the best of it. I mean, Instagram just started paying. What, about a year ago they just started paying? YouTube is a joke.
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I don't know because we don't have enough followers to know.
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Yeah, we don't have enough followers. I'm going to go there in a second, and I know where your head is at. But YouTube is a joke. You have to get millions and millions of views, and you have to be on the safe side of the content. The content that we produce, it's just not favored by the algorithm, and I don't know that it ever will be.
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Yes and no. No, there's no yes and no about it. Our fans say best to you when they text in.
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And we'd have to have millions and millions of viewers just to make any kind of living. So the RSS feed for us, where you're listening to us on whatever player, is really... an opportunity for a creator to kind of own their world. It doesn't matter if one of these platforms goes away because you can listen to us on 150 other platforms. And I like that about the RSS feed. It's decentralized.
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I own it. And in partnership with my network, I get this produced and out to you whenever I want to, however I want to. And if I want to turn Spotify off, I can turn Spotify off. I don't like what they're doing. I just turn it off, right? If I don't like what Apple's doing, I just turn it off. Now, I wouldn't do that because those are the places where y'all are listening to us.
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I tell best to you to everyone I talk to on email and on text messages or Instagram. But what I mean is... Since Chrissy's not here today, like, I don't want it to sound like I'm just copying what Chrissy says.
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But these content creators, they're really putting their lives in the owners of TikTok's hands. And if it goes away, what do they do? Well, I mean, it's like being on one-legged table. If the leg gets kicked out from under you, the table's going to fall and everything on it's going to go with it.
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That's why, like in the last years, I've seen more and more of people... I remember when Instagram started. Back in the day, back in my day, when Instagram started. No, that was in college. And, you know, the people who were kind of already famous gained a lot of followers quickly. And then, of course, the whole platform started growing more and more with celebrities and...
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content creators and whatnot but then people I remember at least in Venezuela it started happening to famous you know radio artists actresses and actors that they would get hacked and all of the sudden they had a platform with you know 200,000 people, half a million people, and it went away because somebody hacked it.
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And they couldn't figure a way to get those accounts back, so they had to start, like... Start all over again. Again with an account from zero. And then eventually I started seeing all these, you know, like, social media experts, marketing, you know, accounts that you follow to kind of, like, grow your, you know, your Instagram account.
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And the one thing they would say, it's like, you need to convert... those Instagram followers in whatever it is that actually – and that's why people are always like, sign up to my newsletter. Well, yeah.
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The word is that get what's called first-person data. Get an email address. Get a physical address. Get a phone number. Get them over to your website where they can get involved in the club. You remember we had the break room for 35 seconds.
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Or if you sell something, just convert them into your own ecosystem. Because the second that platform goes away for whatever reason, then it's like what's happening with TikTok. All these content creators just basically built a career on there in the last couple of years or since the pandemic. And one day it was off and they were all...
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Yeah, they're all scared shitless, and it's really understandable, and I think there's a valuable lesson here, and that's that the tech billionaires, the tech oligarchs, they can at any time fuck around with whatever they want to fuck around with, and things change. There's a big to-do right now about... whether or not a podcast should have video.
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Fair enough. Fair enough. But as my wife and as the OGTCB, I mean, honestly, you are kind of the reason we're all here. So, fuck you. Thank you. And best to you. Best to you. There you go. I don't even know. Where do best to you start? I think I was talking to Chrissy about something or somebody said... Yeah, I don't know.
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That's the huge conversation going on in podcasting right now.
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Spotify putting videos up, and there's a lot of people in our industry, in the audio podcasting landscape, that don't want to play nice with Spotify in this push to get video on their platform because they don't believe that Spotify is going to treat those creators correctly, and that Spotify is just making a play to get Mr. Beast over, to get all of those big video...
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content creators over to Spotify so that they can eat YouTube's lunch. Okay, you know, the commercial break is not going to make a difference either way, one way or the other, whether or not we put videos on Spotify or not. It's not going to materially affect us or the traffic on Spotify, whether or not we do.
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But these content creators on TikTok, I mean, I hope, are learning a valuable lesson about diversifying where you're at. And here's the thing. When you're a content creator like we are and you're listening to our show and so many of you write in and you're very faithful to the show and you're loyal to the show and you love us and we love you and it's a great relationship that we have.
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The one, and a lot of you ask, like, what's the one way that we can help? Like, how can we help? What can we do for the show? There's one thing that you can do for the show that's super important. And that is, I mean, under one umbrella, and that is engage with the show. Follow us on Instagram.
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Follow us on YouTube, comment, subscribe, watch the shows when we put them on social media or on YouTube, because by engaging, you then allow us to go out and to place sponsorships into the show. We have made the decision not to do memberships and stuff like that. First of all, I'm not sure anybody would pay for this shitty show.
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But second of all, it's just I'd rather do it for free and have a few sponsors in the show and make our living that way. But we do need your help with that. This whole thing with TikTok, I think, underlines the importance that if you like our show, if you like what we're doing, if you're engaged in the commercial break, engage with us in multiple ways. Subscribe, like, comment on the show.
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Which means that it also helps us stay... you know, produce, like continue to produce a show.
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We can't produce the show. Yeah, we can't produce a show unless we have sponsors. We can't have sponsors unless people are engaged in our show. Here's the other thing that Astrid pointed out that I think is really smart.
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Is that if you really like our show, if you're like all of you who are texting me, like, you know, on a daily basis, some of you, if you really like the show, the biggest compliment, the biggest favor, the biggest financial and spiritual and emotional favor, you could do the commercial break. Share it with people. Share it with your friends. Share it with your family. Word of mouth.
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I know you're a little embarrassed that you listened to the commercial break. I'm a little embarrassed to create it. But, hey, we can all take our lumps and just share it. Share an episode with them. Share an episode with them.
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You know, it really. It's something that I understand you don't think about like on your daily basis, but just one minute of your time to click the share an episode with somebody that maybe you heard something that reminded you of a friend or that you saw a family member that you think, you know, can relate to.
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I think someone wrote it in an email one time. Best to you. And I thought that was a very strange way to end an email. So I started saying it every episode of the commercial break. Anyway, Chrissy is not here today. Inclement weather in Georgia, which means it's farted cold wind for two seconds, has closed down the entire city.
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If you saw a family member you don't like. Share the commercial break with them. Right. If you're dating some hot chick and you want her to break up with you, you want to ghost her, don't ghost her. Send her an episode of the commercial break.
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Yeah, but that random action that may not really mean anything to you, for us, means a lot.
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Yeah, and I tell you guys, two years ago, three years ago, you can ask Astrid. I would refuse to come on air and say something like this because I don't want to grovel at anybody's feet. If you like the show, you like the show. That's it. That was in my head for a long time.
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But now I'm of the opinion that there's a community of us that are talking to each other and you're listening to the episodes and commenting on Spotify. Sorry it took me a year to get back to you. But there's a bunch of people out there who really do like the commercial break. And we like producing it. So if you want us to continue to produce it, you can do us a huge favor. Share the show.
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Engage in the content. And communicate with us, too. We'd love to hear from you. And I think that's all the groveling I'm going to do for this week.
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Yeah, Blue needs to eat. Blue needs a new home. So if you like Blue, if you like the idea of a dog constantly barking and shitting all over your house, please text us. I'll be happy to ship her to you. DHL. None of that fancy FedEx shit. All right. Okay.
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Speaking of TikTok creators, one of the things that was interesting that came out of this whole TikTok ban was TikTok creators who are extraordinarily popular on the platform believing that TikTok would go away forever. And really not wanting to, like, you know, I guess they figured the game was up, the gig was out, we aren't going to do this anymore. They would reveal their secrets.
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Did you hear about this? So many TikTokers revealing that, in fact, they are full of fucking shit.
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So, I'll give you an example. There is a, and I have a couple of examples here, but there's one that I... There's a famous girl on TikTok.
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They sat down and did videos saying, well, I was teaching you how to clean your house.
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I was teaching you how to do makeup. I never liked the makeup. I taught you to do the 10-pump foundation. 10 pumps is way too much. I made all of these beautiful fruit-based ice cubes that you could put in your water. I've never used ice cubes. I don't like them. One girl who was famous for having a billionaire boyfriend.
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She would create content about her and her billionaire boyfriend, but the boyfriend was never in the videos. The boyfriend was fake. He never existed. I mean, just like Charlie D'Amelio. Is that like that famous girl, Charlie? Whatever. Anyway, she was caught one time. with what people said was a vape because her fan base is so young. She said, it's not a vape.
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And for the sake of safety, we'll keep Christina and Chrissy out of the studio today. So my fine wife Astrid has shown up. A lot of Venezuelan-related content flowing through the commercial break lately.
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It's an anxiety pen, a pen that you fiddle with for anxiety. She admitted it was, in fact, a vape. Like, so many people went on TikTok and just, like, admitted that they were full of fucking shit.
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Yeah, but, I mean, I guess... That's good that they did that just so that people realize that what you see in social media, but honestly also at this point, don't we all agree that most of the things that... I just said this the other day. Even...
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influencers that i personally follow and somehow you know like respect in a way like i feel like their content is genuine and you know and i like them or i like what they share right no i don't know them personally so it could very well be just you know a show that they're just putting on for the camera but i understand also because how do they make a living like
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Because Instagram makes you this close when it's a partnership, like you're getting paid and they have to put like a hashtag on.
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Of course, this is a big deal that's happening right now in our industry.
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It's like, I get it. Like, I believe that... You know, I'm sure they like the product or especially if they're talking about products that I've seen they have been, you know, promoting for like years. It kind of makes sense, right? Like if you don't really like a product, I guess you're not going to promote it for five years.
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But at the same time, I'm also not oblivious to the fact that I'm sure like it's not like that product is, you know. the God of the, whatever it is that you're promoting. It's like, okay, you know, you have to take it all with.
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There's a, yeah. So if someone is, I mean, I think everybody understands that if someone is promoting something, they're getting paid to do so. They're not going to say negative things about it. Right. Period. End of sentence.
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Well, just like in your life. A lot of Venezuelan content.
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I see a lot of content creators out there that will literally promote whatever the fuck is thrown their way, regardless of, I think regardless of whether they feel it's a good product or not, we kind of take the stance here that, you know,
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we are likely to use it if we promote it it's something that we would use it's something that we do use it's something that we like that's just because i don't want to fuck over the the listeners there's so many things that we get like requests for will you do this will you do that and we say no because i wouldn't use it in the first place so i'm not going to do it i'm not even talking about the promoting these people are not talking about promotions they're talking about
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I mean, it's only fair that Venezuela is represented in some fair way here on the commercial break. It is a big part of my life. It is a big part of my life. And it is probably 5,000 of the 6,000 Instagram followers we have are from Venezuela. Well, that's about true, yeah. Yeah, we got to feed them some Venezuelan content on occasion. Gustavo was here on a special episode on Saturday.
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their content in general was full of fucking shit. I just said this about that girl, Bobby Althoff. I said her name was Althoff. It's Althoff. I'm sorry. Whatever. However you say her last name. She, you know, so many people are like, oh, Bobby's fake. She's fake. She's fake.
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It's all a thing that she's doing for the camera, this kind of disinterested, you know, flat tone that she has with these interviews she's doing. What did you expect? Did you expect that everybody who turns on a camera is going to be 100% organic? There's like something a little bit showman-y about wanting to be on camera.
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There's going to be a little twist in your personality or voice when the cameras go on. That's just the way that it is.
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Yeah, but like, for example, talking specifically about this girl, you say that she used to share, you know, content about her billionaire boyfriend and, you know, I'm sure all the private plane trips and all that. Okay. It's just like people who all that they share is the pretty, you know... The pretty way they decorated their living room or how they redid their bedroom. Wonderful.
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And I'm sure that's how it looks after you clean up and organize. Right.
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you know, cleaned the scene and all of that to take the picture and post it on Instagram.
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But that's what people forget. It's like, you think everything in their lives looks like that?
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No. I think there's a lesson here. Even when you, like the listener, or we, go to take a picture of our kids, of ourselves, or we're taking a video or whatever... We clean up behind us. We look for the best spot. We look for the best view behind us.
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And you pose the picture. You feel like you look the best.
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Of course. There is always a bit of, I guess, like... Appearance. Like you want to... It's non-organic. It's non-authentic because you are making sure that it's the best angle because that's how you want to present yourself to the world. It's just like most people don't go out of the house in... you know, wearing just underwear with holes in it or shit stains.
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They don't do that because they want to present themselves to the world in the best possible light. Now, that doesn't always happen. That doesn't include everybody in the world, but there's a certain amount of showmanship that goes into just being a human being. Now,
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Making up a billionaire out of whole cloth and trying to convince everybody and their mother that you have a billionaire boyfriend, that's a little Andy Kaufman-esque. And what I mean by that is now you're just putting on a whole show forever. Now you're creating a character out of whole cloth. There's nothing organic about it. I don't know if I agree or disagree.
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I don't really give a shit if I'm following somebody and they're creating content that's entertaining to me. Well, maybe it really doesn't matter at the end of the day because I'm not paying them to do that.
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I do... I agree with what you just said. And also, those people, the problem is, again, yes, if you have followers and they enjoy your content, go ahead, you know, to each their own, whatever. But
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I like that also then becomes part of the problem of the problem that social media has actually increased, you know, mental illnesses, insecurities in people because you go there and it's like, you know, oh, everyone's house is perfect. Everyone like for some people that has become a true.
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last year I unfollowed a couple accounts that I used to love because I came to the conclusion that it's like well if this is really their life the wonderful that's not how my life is and just because it was kind of like bothering me that it was so perfect you were jealousy watching and not jealousy but also like comparing like wow my life is not you know that put together all the time and
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One day I realized, I was like, no, I mean, I'm sure theirs is not either. They're just showing the pretty picture. So I just decided, you know what?
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Who won the game, by the way? I totally didn't. I watched the beginning.
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I'm not. But I think we've gotten to the point, I would like to think, at least a lot of us, in the collective consciousness. That we inherently understand that no one's life is that perfect. No scene is always that pretty. No relationship is that perfect. Even when you have an airplane, private airplane, your life still sucks in some way, shape, or form. Money doesn't solve all problems.
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Vacations don't solve all problems. And no one, and I mean no one, Mormon moms... cooks fucking chocolate cake in a goddamn $3,000 dress. Fuck you!
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We should Google that. We should see who won the Venezuelan-USA game.
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If all the dresses and the outfits in my closet were $3,000 then I guess... You would make chocolate cake in $3,000 dresses?
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But since they're not even the... $50 dress. I go change to my pajamas.
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I love you in your $50 Moo Moo from Walmart. It's my favorite. I love you regardless of what you wear.
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for the Venezuela-USA game, and I don't even know. Venezuela-USA. Let's see here. Venezuela-USA. USA 3, Venezuela 1 on January 18, 2025. So there you go. USA did by 2. That's 3 to 1. I found that to be a weird game in the sense that it was in a very small stadium. It wasn't at Hard Rock like I assumed that it was going to be. Very small stadium.
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You know, the TikTok reveal that killed me was Jojo Siwa. You know, Jojo Siwa.
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I don't know. There's something like there's something weirdly interesting about Jojo Siwa and all of her machinations. I don't know. I got fascinated by that dance she did in the video. You know, she's like a child star that's now like every other child star.
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Okay. No, I'm explaining to the audience. Like she's breaking away from this child star persona that she has and now she's like hyper-sexualized. You know, like all the female child stars have to do according to the Hollywood rules of sexualization, I guess. I'm not sure. No, but think about it. But hold on.
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But one of the things that she was doing was running around doing all these performances and like drinking out of a Tito's or a Fireball bottle, like drinking straight alcohol. And people were like, holy shit, like she would take six, seven slugs out of it. Well, she admitted, at least on one occasion, that that Tito's was not in fact Tito's vodka. It was just water.
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And so that's good for her health. But I was really disappointed by that because I thought, well, she's... breaking away from her youthful appearance and also then getting highly intoxicated on stage. But it's just fake. So fuck JoJo Siwa and her fake T-dotes. So let's talk about Donald Trump for a minute. So here we are, day three of the Donald Trump presidency.
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Not going to get into all the politics because that's for a different time, for a different show. For a different podcast.
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Yeah. But I will say this, is that the grand grift is on. Donald Trump and Melania Trump have both within hours. Actually, Donald did it beforehand. Melania did it afterwards. Within hours of the inauguration. put out these meme coins, these alt coins, you know, Bitcoin-like electronic currency. A meme coin is basically this.
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A cryptocurrency that has no value whatsoever. They just make it. based on a meme, like a personality or something out there on the internet. And there are tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of meme coins. And they are well known.
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Well, this one is just based on him, Donald Trump. He created his own. And at one point, the Donald Trump meme coin had a valuation of... of $85 billion hours after the inauguration. Do you know how much Target, the corporation, is worth? $62 billion. The Donald Trump meme coin was worth more momentarily than the Target corporation was, Target being an S&P 500 company.
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Melania then announced her coin hours after the inauguration, and guess what happened? The Donald Trump coin lost half of its value, and then the Melania Trump coin shot up in value. In other words, everybody's trying to rug pull everybody else. Everybody's trying to be the last sucker in the pot, essentially. The last frog in the pot, so to speak.
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I have thought about this. This is exactly what we were talking about with the Hawk Tua girl. Remember the Hawk coin that is now probably going to get her landed in jail? Yeah. What in the fuck is going on? Why are we all just grifting each other at this point?
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Why is everybody allowing people at the top to just absorb massive amounts of wealth while everybody else gets stuck with the Trump coin or the Melania coin or the hot to a coin or whatever coin, the Pepe coin. It doesn't matter. Nate, you name it. These, they have no intrinsic value whatsoever except to make other people rich. And those other people will not be me.
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Yeah, because it's not part of any, like, big league but it's the first international you would think that down in florida yeah no but those games are you clearly don't know much about okay miss soccer bbc tell me all about it Well, those games are to classify. For the World Cup.
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It will not be you because we are the suckers who are giving the money. It's fucking insane to me. We need a TCB coin immediately, if not sooner. Why don't we have a TCB coin?
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Possum coin. That's it. I like that. Possum coin. It's just crazy to me. And then, so, like, there was this guy who was doing the, you know, when Donald was getting sworn in, he was doing the, he was the preacher. The preacher giving some kind of speech. Yeah.
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That preacher got off the dais of giving that speech, walked into the back of wherever the fuck they were, the rotunda or whatever, walked into the back and immediately started recording himself. He put out his own meme coin minutes after he gave. Like some, you know, I don't know, eulogy or whatever the fuck he was talking about. Some, you know, passionate, the Lord loves us.
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The Lord loves Donald Trump. The Lord will save us. All this shit. He walks right into the back. He starts filming himself. And now he's got a meme coin also. He's also grifting everybody. I'm sure he did. Because what happens?
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I think we... Don't we have to at this point? Isn't this the only thing that's going to save the commercial break is a meme coin that can get grifted? How many people listened to the commercial break? I don't know. A couple hundred thousand people? A couple hundred thousand people bought a meme coin?
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Well, in my mind, it's a couple hundred thousand people. I like to pretend that we're bigger than we are. I like to pretend, just like meme coin people like to pretend that they're actually making money. It's fucking insane to me, babe. It's insane. Everything is for sale. Everyone is for sale. Everyone's a sucker.
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It's insane to me that you were reading about all of this. That's what's insane.
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I didn't. I actually watched a video on it by this guy named CoffeeZilla.
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Because also, you know, I am hooked with that show that I'm watching.
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How did we go from Trump to your show? How did we go from Trump being going to your show? I knew you were going to try and fit this in somewhere. What is this show? Okay, tell us about the show. No, tell us about the show. Now we're going to talk about the show.
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What is it about? Did Gustavo recommend this to you? Yes. Is Gustavo recommending romantic period pieces to you?
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No, because even though it has romance, it's mainly suspense. There's a mystery in the family. Romance is actually not the main part of it.
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It's suspense. It's a thriller. What are we suspended about? What is the drama?
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B-I-X? Bix. V-I-X? Yes. VIXX. Like the vapor rubber? That's like the platform for all the Hispanic shows.
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Yeah, and by the way, this also is a show from 2011. Oh, okay. But since it is a period piece, you actually don't notice.
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So even though, yeah, of course, you know, soccer fans and watch them, but they don't, they're not a spot, like people don't, feel so inclined, I guess, to, like, pay for a ticket to go see the... Meaning, like, they're not that big of a deal.
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Yeah, I guess that's the good news is you can watch it anytime. I just don't get it. I can't get into those period pieces.
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Actually, I think you would like it. I think you would get hooked into the story, but you would have to watch it with subtitles. It's not translated.
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Well, I will tell you something. Here's a little knowledge about Brian and Astrid. Back when we had our first child, or maybe you were pregnant with our first child, there was a show on... What was that show on? What's that? Univision? Yeah. On Univision.
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I forgot what it was called too, but it was on every night. I was totally hooked. It was on every night, four nights a week.
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I thought it was four nights a week, Monday through Thursday. It was on Monday through Thursday at eight o'clock and I was absolutely hooked. And the show was about a father of a rich, like he owned a company and he died and he came back as another person. He like inhibited somebody else's body and came back as another person. And, This show made no sense whatsoever.
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It was like loose ends everywhere. And I was absolutely hooked on this show. It was only in Spanish, only Spanish subtitles. And so we had to watch it very painstakingly slow so that Brian could pause and read what was in Spanish and try and understand it. I loved that telenovela. I really did. We haven't found one since that's all that good. We tried to watch a couple of others.
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No, it took up a lot of my time, and now we have so many children. I don't know how I would ever... Right. How am I supposed to read that much Spanish?
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And instead, you like to watch videos about people climbing the Everest.
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Aster likes to go to the Everest. Aster's going to go to the Everest and climb it.
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The meme coin, the Donald Trump meme coin. I'm sorry. It just got me hot under my collar. I just couldn't believe that so many people are jumping in on this when they know they're going to get fucked. How? You know what's coming down the track. I mean, listen, it's a Ponzi scheme. And the people who get in early and the people who sell quickly, they will probably make some money.
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There are suckers that always come in behind you, right? But at the end of the day, when it has no value and it can't be used anywhere and there's nothing to be done except to try and make a little bit of cash in the transaction, you're giving all the fees to someone who's already incredibly wealthy with all of the power in the world. And then you're also giving money to his cronies.
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who essentially hold a lot of this meme coin. By the way, this is not just Donald Trump. There are so many people out there that are doing this. There was a guy who started the official Cuba meme coin on Monday, the day of the inauguration. He started the official Cuba meme coin. And people thought it was actually Cuba putting out a meme coin.
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And that guy got filthy fucking rich while the rest of the people are left holding the bag. There's no value in it. You can't make money unless you're so fucking quick. And it just drives me crazy. I feel bad for people who don't know any better. And they're like, you know, dump $50,000 of their hard-earned money in this shit. And they lose $49,000 of it because...
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They don't inherently understand how dumb this really is. It's just a grift. It's just a way to suck up a bunch of other people's cash. And it makes me sad, Astrid. It makes me sad. Maduro would be proud. That's all I got to say. All right. All right. Well, thank you for coming in with me today. I certainly appreciate it. Thanks for having me. My beautiful wife, Astrid, here in the studio.
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I know. It's a classification game. There are many of them.
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Hopefully tomorrow we'll be back with Chrissy and Christina. But if not, this one will show back up because she's contractually obligated to do so. You are the official some. Because you're close and you can walk down the hallway and come in the studio. It's either you or some of the kids. I don't think we want the kids on the episode. Yes, she's wonderful. All right, you heard us.
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We're groveling today on the episode. Please do us a favor. Don't let us fall at the hands of the fate of the TikTok or the Everest or the Instagram or whatever it is. Do us a favor. Subscribe to the show. Engage with the content. Share it with a friend. And that way we can keep doing these episodes for another 700 episodes, which is like only a year's worth of it.
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If you lose one... If it was, like, last year at Copa America, well, that would be... Sure. Then you're...
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I think we're doing like 280 of these episodes a year. It's a lot. When we get to 1,000, I'm going to feel pretty accomplished, actually. There's not a lot of podcasts out there that have 1,000 episodes. I think there's only like 600. And people who get to 3,000 episodes, I think there's only a few. Joe Rogan. Is this Joe Rogan? I think he's on 3,000. Anyway, go to the website, tcbpodcast.com.
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That's where you get more information about the show, about Chrissy and I, all the audio, all the video right there from one location, tcbpodcast.com. Plus, this one will be happy to send you some TCB schwag. Go to the Contact Us button. Drop-down menu says, I want my free sticker. Send us your physical address, and we'll send it off to you. I promise we will.
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Also, if you would, do us that favor, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. Go ahead and subscribe, like, comment on your favorite video. All the episodes are there on that YouTube channel. Usually the same day that they air here, right? Usually the same day. Usually the same day that they air.
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I also understand as the stakes get higher, I guess the interest gets larger. But being down in Fort Lauderdale, so many Venezuelans living down there. It's kind of like a mini Venezuela down there in between Miami and Fort Lauderdale. You would think that they could fill a relatively small stadium.
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Yeah, it depends. Sometimes it's a day off, but it's close enough. Listen to it here and then go watch it there. You know how to do it. We'll certainly appreciate it. Also, at the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on the newly renewed TikTok. It's back and we still only have 100 followers. So please do go ahead and follow us on TikTok. That's such a miserable site.
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Actually, if you are going to choose, follow us on Instagram and subscribe to our YouTube channel.
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Absolutely. Instagram at The Commercial Break. YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Those are the two places we would love to see you. Also, please do text us. 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. You have something you think would be interesting on the show, we'd love to hear from you. You want to be on the show? You want to call in on the show?
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Yeah, that's something we're going to do also. So all of those things, I would really appreciate it. We love you, we love you, we love you, and I love you.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Astro and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. Since you're new to H&R Block, we'll look at your returns from the last three years for any money your last guy might have missed for free.
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I mean, I would assume there was no more than 5,000 seats in that little stadium, whatever it was called.
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No, I'm sure they can fill it up. But again, I don't think... Now, I mean, and I talk for the Venezuelans. Every time La Vino Tinto, which is how we call our team, plays, especially in the last, yeah, I would say decade. You know, the whole country turns and in support. And, you know, we we have a like a slogan that it's basically we have faith.
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And it's because we've never actually made it to the World Cup. But it's been a big dream of the whole country.
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The day we make it to the World Cup. Because I was explaining this to you last week. Our national sport is baseball. So that's what the country has always been big on. Baseball players. Well, baseball in general. But so soccer, it's almost like a newer sport. Right. But the younger generations, like my brother, they're soccer fans.
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In my house, even though we did watch baseball and I also grew up, we also have our teams and our local teams and just like here. Yeah. I would say my house was more of a soccer house than a baseball house.
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But let me ask this, because this is counterintuitive to me. You're down in South America, where soccer is huge.
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I mean, obviously, it's like... But that's a misconception, though. It is huge.
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But it's not huge... It's huge in Brazil, of course. It's huge in Argentina. Yeah, but Colombia also, like Venezuela, if you look at historically, it's not like they've been into... Colombia has grown as a team and has made some bigger accomplishments in the last decade.
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OK, but follow me just for a second here. I don't I don't. OK, maybe it's a misconception. I don't live down there and I don't want to claim to speak for the people that live down there. But hold on. Then Venezuela is mainly or largely Spaniards from Spanish descent.
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Well, first of all, if you want to have Venezuelan content, you got to let me speak on top of you.
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Yeah, I don't want... That's the one thing that drives me crazy about Venezuelans. This is a good topic to talk about, because it's the one thing that drives me up a fucking wall about being in a room full of Venezuelans, is that no one finishes a sentence, ever finishes a sentence, because someone's not talking on top of them. How do you manage to accomplish to get anything through to anybody?
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I don't know. Our brains work that way. Your brains work in absences.
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We can multitask. Okay. All right. So go ahead. Talk over me.
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Listen, I'm no soccer expert. And if any Hispanic soccer expert listens, I'm probably saying half of what I'm saying. It's not true.
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That goes along with the theme of the commercial break. Don't worry about it. We got you covered.
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But what I believe is... Soccer is not like a big thing in all of the Latin countries. It is for sure a thing in Europe. Yes. Which includes a Hispanic country like Spain. Right. Where it's very big. Yes. But... And yes, Venezuela was built mainly by Spaniards, Italians...
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And all those countries are big in soccer. However, like, I mean, I don't really know the historic facts, but our sports, like the native, I guess, the native sport or something, somehow it's baseball. And actually, and that comes also because we're a country that it's, even though it's inland in the continent, right? It's part of the Caribbean. And baseball, it's a Caribbean sport.
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I got it. I totally understand. I'm following your flow here. And I also do know that Venezuela has contributed a lot to American professional baseball. Some of the best baseball players are Venezuelans.
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I think half the Atlanta Braves were Venezuelan at one point. I really do.
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Yeah, we have exported. That is true. We have exported a lot of baseball players to the major leagues here, which the country has always been very proud about. But soccer is not one of those. I would say the big countries that have...
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in my opinion humble opinion have led the soccer uh culture in in the in the continent have have been brazil like i said argentina uh uruguay and mexico mexico is big in soccer too um But other than that, I think the other countries we've kind of like follow. Chile has a good team. Yeah. But I'm not sure if that has been.
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So now we've named most of the countries down in South America.
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Then if you think I named all the countries. You don't know geography.
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So I guess the point is, is that USA beat Venezuela. I don't think that's any big surprise there. I also understand.
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I really don't think it's a big surprise. And even... And I think... Right. Well, it's not that you guys have the best team in the world. No, no, no, no, no. America has... Even though, I mean, America is relatively new to the sport of soccer. Also, we had like when I was a kid, everybody played soccer. Everybody. I was part of the first wave of children playing soccer.
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And now the chickens have come home to roost, even though I've kind of a I'm not of the age where I would be playing professional soccer. I'm a little too old for that. But now we've had a couple of generations of children that have played soccer. And now it's an incredibly popular sport here in the United States. It is dwarfed.
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by basketball football and other sports but people get excited now about the sport of soccer it took us a long time to catch on but now here we are and i would say that you know the reason why it's so popular is because parents don't mind their children playing soccer soccer is not a sport i personally and don't take offense with this but i'd rather have my kid play soccer all day long
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than football just based on the injury, the potential injury. And then, of course, we can go down the rabbit hole about things. I personally actually don't even understand football, so there's nothing for me to say there.
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Well, speaking of football, last night, as we're recording this last night, Ohio State beat Notre Dame in the first college football bracketed playoff. And they played here in Atlanta. Here in Atlanta in the Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Yeah, they played in the Mercedes-Benz Stadium. Man, I feel for those people who had to walk just from their car.
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Here in Atlanta, I was just emailing with somebody at our network, Odyssey, and they are up north. I think they're in Pennsylvania. And I was saying that it's very cold down here. But then I looked. It's 20 degrees here. Feels like zero in Atlanta. Yeah. But up north, like in the upper peninsula of Michigan, it feels like minus 45 degrees. Feels like minus 45 degrees.
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I know. Our city's completely shut down. No one's going to school.
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People are working. Five feet of snow. They just do it. But I mean, the old adage is they're better prepared for winter weather than we are. Fair enough. But, I mean, you know, the kids are home from school today, and it really makes me a little bit upset because there is no real threat of snow, like any kind of winter weather.
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Right, that's what I was going to say. I mean, again, I know nothing about cold weather or snow, but it's not snowing. Like, okay.
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What I thought was like, well, I guess I'll rub the kids with a bunch of layers.
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But they don't want the kids out in the cold. I think this is because some kids have to wait for transportation to school and standing out for a bus in feels like zero degree weather. That's serious. Like you can get frostbite doing that.
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But then since we don't typically experience this kind of cold weather, the thought is those children are less prepared than if you live in Detroit or Chicago, wherever.
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If you're a parent, you just have gloves and ski masks. I don't know. You have a bunch of shit ready for those kids to go. Ski masks. To rob a bank or, you know, stand outside for the bus. Yeah, you have snow boots and crampons to get to school. Yeah, skis. Those little walking shoes. The snow walking shoes. Sleds. Sleds. All that shit. So here we are.
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The only thing we have, it's like sand buckets for when we go to the beach.
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Yeah, I'm just not interested in cold weather. I mean, thank God you and I are on this same page.
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To me, it's like actual torture. No, it's torture for me too. I was instantly cured of my cold weather, my thick blood the second that I moved down here. I took to it really well. I dislike the cold with a passion. I went to go take the trash out last night, and I don't know what it is, 19 degrees, 18 degrees outside. Babe, it's like a different kind of cold.
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It doesn't feel good to me at all whatsoever. And now I'm going down.
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Yeah, Atreyu. Atreyu. Arturo. Yeah. He's Italian.
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What was the dog's name? It was Atreyu and Falkor. Oh, Falkor. Falkor, that's right. Well, Neverending Story 2 was my favorite.
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Oh, what a piece of trash. What a piece of trash. That was clearly people trying to make a couple bucks off the popularity of that movie. I saw that movie in the theater. Scared the shit out of me because, you know, there's some pretty heavy moments in that film. But it had boobs, so I liked the boobs.
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It was the first time. I think my mom tried to cover our eyes and I was like, oh, no, no, no. But my mom got me those nachos. You know, they give you a plate of stale chips and then they had they used to have this. They don't have this anymore because I think they realize it was causing dysentery around the world. Yeah, it's very messy.
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You would press you would take that plate of chip like a little basket of chips. Yeah. And then you would put it under like almost like a soda machine, but press the button and cheese would come out like cheese whiz or whatever hot cheese. And I, you know, my mom was like, what do you want? I'm like, oh, give me the nachos. And she gave me the nachos.
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And halfway through the movie, I ended up puking all over the back of a seat. Yes. And so I still cannot have that kind of cheese because it reminds me of the bad taste coming out of my mouth.
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Yeah, that's not cheese. It's not. They call it cheese, but it's not really cheese. Yeah. But anyway, back to Dune 2 is so beautifully shot, so well done. I'll watch it. You could give me more of that all day long. That could be four hours long, and I would like it because it's just so good. It's so well acted. Timothee Chalamet, Zendaya, who could be in anything.
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She could literally stand still, and I'd enjoy watching her because, first of all— She's physically she's beautiful. She's really appeasing to the eye. But then she's versatile. She's a really good actress. And and that combination, she has all the things she can do anything. And I love it. I love her in Euphoria. I love her in all the movies. She's been just a great actress.
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I can't wait to see what she does in the future. And Timothy is no slouch himself. He's really good. And he's very versatile himself. And then you add in all of the heart, you know, all the other Javier Bordem and all the other people who are in the movie. It's really well done. And, you know, they have that HBO television show, the one based on... You talked about that.
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Mother hens, the chicken hens. I don't know what they call them. The Illuminati. I'm not... The Illuminations. The mothers who go, you know, the women who go around that planet, you know... whispering in people's ears and making them do things. They made a whole television show about that clan of women and how they got to be so powerful and all this other stuff.
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But because it's not directed by the same person, acted by the same people, and they have the same budget to make those kind of visual effects, and they don't have the sandworms running around that you can ride, it doesn't feel as weighty or as urgent or as present or prescient. Totally different. Totally different. Completely different.
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So I tried to get into it, but, you know, I was like, I got Seven Little Johnsons to watch.
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If I'm going to be on Max, let me watch Seven Little Johnsons. But, you know, it's two and a half hours for the brutalist. It's too much brutalist as far as I'm concerned. Three and a half hours. Three and a half hours. I think it is. Holy shit.
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And the special effects don't look like special effects. They don't give it away. The guy rides a big giant worm and you don't know. You're like, oh, where did they get a big giant worm from? Because it's so realistic.
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Oh, no. I'm not doing that. Yeah, that's not something you drop in before bed.
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Well, you must at three and a half hours long. Dances with Wolves had an intermission in the theaters, if I'm not mistaken. They took like a 10-minute intermission because it's four hours long. So, I mean, how can one person sit for four hours without having to pee or throw up or get more nacho sauce or whatever? Yeah.
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Just ask ChattyGPT. Say, how long is The Brutalist?
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No fucking shit. I thought it was two and a half hours.
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Oh, my God. No wonder Adrian Brody took so much time. I mean, geez, seven minute, you know, congratulations speech is nothing compared to three out. Almost four hours. That is dance. That is dances with wolves. Let me see here real quick. I just want to see something. Let's open up another page here.
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Oh, yeah. You have to prepare for that. How long is Dances with Wolves? I think it's three and a half hours long, too.
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Fantastic movies. Three hours and one minute long.
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They're telling an entire lifetime of a guy that went out west and danced with the wolves in three hours and one minute. And you can't get the brutalist in and under three hours. It's four hours long. Oh, no, I don't know. I can't do that. That's no thank you.
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Yeah, make it wicked. Brutalist and brutalist too. Brutalist and... More brutal. And ouch. Brutalist and ouch, part two. I don't know. I mean, I just like, there's no way. I'm not in it. I'm not in for three and a half hours. That's three separate nights of watching. Yes. television for me. I can maybe get 45 minutes in a day of straight watching television, and there's just no way.
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Three hours and 35 minutes. I thought it was two hours and 35 minutes, and I was convinced I'm not going to watch it at that.
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Yeah, that was already way too long for me. The problem, the challenge for directors and writers and producers these days is that prestige television is so good and you have to compete for those eyeballs and you can tell an entire story in eight, 10, 12 hours of television. in a way that used to be done on a big screen in two hours.
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And there has been a trend lately to make movies shorter and shorter. But now I'm seeing it's moving in the other direction because I do think in their mind, like, okay, I wrote The Brutalist. This could be a really good prestige television show. Or I can try and fit the story in one movie. But even Wicked, two and a half hours long or two hours and some change, and there's still a part two.
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Mm-hmm. So really, they filmed, you know, five hours of content because they filmed it all at one time. So there's going to be another part, too. So that's the challenge is you're trying to take a movie and have it compete with these streamers. And these streamers have endless hours that they can dedicate to a storyline. And so I think that's why it's my opinion. Why? Anyway.
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And the studios are probably more willing to do it because they say, well, okay, it may take extra money, but if we can get it on the big screen, that's where we really can make a lot of cash. When the streamers, it just gets lost in a sea of other content. And no one really knows, you know, what's going on. So anyway, no one really knows what's going on anyway. It's welcome to 2020.
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I am in the biz. I'm a big TV guy now. Making moves. Yeah. I got a treatment out there. Anybody want a treatment? I got a treatment. Not for your oozy penis. I got a treatment, like a television treatment. And if you work in television and you want a treatment, text me up there, whatever that phone number is. All right, let's do this. Let's take a break. And when we get back, I have not only...
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Do I have next door posts that I've been collecting? I have plenty of Ask TCB's relationship style. So we'll let you take your pick or maybe we'll get to both. Maybe we'll just mix them up together. And so why don't we take a break and when we get back, we'll do it. All right.
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I can see greasy little paw prints all over my table here. And I'm wondering exactly which one of my children has. I mean, they come in here all the time. And I like to have them in here. You know, my dad was one of those guys that like went in. His office was his office. And he never let us in. It was all off limits. But he had all the twinkly, winkly, sparkly things in there.
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And that's, of course, that's what I wanted to play with. He had the computer long before computers were generally in homes. And so we liked that office. But he was a no-go zone, no-no zone for us, for the kids. But I'm telling you what, I don't want to be that dad. So I invite my children in here. But every time, I end up spending an hour.
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Four and a half reconfiguring the studio because the one rule is don't touch the equipment. And the one thing they do is touch the equipment. Even when I'm here, I'll be like, I'll turn my back for two seconds and they're over here pressing all the buttons.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Oble. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us. We are smack dab in the middle or at the beginning of March Madness, Chrissy.
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Well, they do gymnastics. They make movies. Sometimes I let them talk in the microphones to make their own show that'll never get hurt. You know, whatever. They're taking after daddy. That's sweet. They see daddy doing something and they take after it. All right. So your choice. Ask TCB. Next door. What do you want to do this segment?
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All right, this is Nextdoor. I have now taken the Nextdoor app so I don't have to scroll through Nextdoor. Saving them doesn't make any sense because I still have to scroll through all of them. So I wrote them down here and I also found on the internet a place where some people are posting their favorite Nextdoors.
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Hey, by the way, Grandma Greta, I feel you. I wish everyone would shut up too. I got those fucking landscapers out here. Now they're here at six in the morning.
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For the past three weeks, a cat has been following me on my daily walks. I'm worried the owner may have trained the cat to follow people, and now he's lost his way. Picture of cat not included, by the way.
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No, you can't train a cat. No, those creatures are weird. It's like having a wild squirrel in your house. You just hope that they don't attack. I was watching this video the other day, this YouTube video. And it was like, there's two cats and a dog in the house. And a kid is getting a snack in the kitchen. It's like one of those in-home cameras, right?
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So the kid's getting a snack in the kitchen, and one of the cats is at his feet, turns around, knocks into the cat on accident. The cat freaks out, screams, you know, and runs away. And the other cat... And he hits the other cat. Well, the other cat attacks the first cat and then runs and attacks the kid. He's like, you know, biting and scratching the kid.
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And then the dog comes and knocks the kid over, attacking the cat. It's chaos.
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And I was like, oh, no. No cats for me. No thanks. On my 2.5 mile walk with my dog, I saw a total of 13 American flags. I was hoping to see more. What's wrong with this country? I was hoping to see more. This is from my side of town, by the way. You saw 13 in 2.5 miles. You were hoping to see more? I'm out of butter.
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Can someone please help me and call Walmart to deliver to this corner, naming the streets? I will be around all day.
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I'll be all day. Can someone please call Walmart for me? Sure, no problem. Random question. Does anyone have a dash hound I might be able to take a picture with? That's creepy. That's creepy. Something's going on there we need to know about. Hey, out of curiosity, does anyone know what day COVID ended? Sure. January 14th, kid. You're all good. Please shut up. Hi, neighbors. I'm Patrick.
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Yeah, you know, and have you ever won a bracket?
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Blocked channel. Here we go. Urgent. Help. My son visited and blocked Fox News on my TV. I don't trust digital or anything iTunes. Fox is all that should be allowed in my household. How can I unblock Fox?
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I told my son that I'm taking him out of the will and he needs to put Fox back on my TV. Please help immediately.
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No, either of us. I came really close in, like, 1999, and I got very excited. And then sometime in the last couple of years, I stopped filling out the brackets because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.
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Well, I didn't put any of the responses unless I thought they were really funny. I don't think actually this had any. I think this is like fresh when I saw it. But I'm sure this is coming from my mom's retirement home. Oh, yeah. I'm sure of it. I found a can of beans. They are Bush's brand, Bush's best to be exact. They were found on this street last night.
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If you lost a can of beans, tell me what kind of flavor they are, and you can come pick them up for me.
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Wow. Yeah, just to make sure that you're the actual bean owner. He goes, please show me a receipt, and I'll be happy to give them back to you. I really can't keep them. I have too many beans already. Too many. To which someone said, do you have a picture?
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I don't know if they're trolling or not, but that's a pretty funny comment. Anyone have anything new to argue about? I'm sick of politics and pandemic. Anyone have some strong opinions on the best actor or who should play the next Batman or which band is better than the Beatles? Anything? I'd like to have a conversation. I think you're just lonely, bro. Yeah. Talk to Chad GPT.
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He'll have an argument with you. She, he, it, the, they. Hi, y'all. Now, we all use devices connected to the internet and whatnot, and my grandkids come over and they use their phones and their iPads, too. Well, the other day, my grandson went to connect to the Wi-Fi, and our neighbor's router is named All the Cops Are Buttholes. Now my wife is very upset.
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She was upset that our neighbors are rude and using words like buttholes. Any thoughts on how I should approach this situation?
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It's probably some dude in a van stealing your credit card information.
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Yes. Okay. Is it possible to sue the networks for harassment, TV networks? Some commercials, Southwest Airlines, Progressive Insurance, Geico, and medicine commercials appear over and over again, and I'm starting to feel harassed. Please don't tell me to mute or change the channels. I am asking specifically about the logistics of suing the networks. You're asking for legal advice on Nextdoor?
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Hey, listen, I don't know. People have won money for stupider shit. Trust me. An arrow just landed in my backyard. I'm very concerned. My dog was barking. An arrow? Where do you live? Sherwood Forest? What are you doing over there? My dog was barking his head off in the backyard, and my husband went out to try and figure out what was going on.
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Yeah, well, you know, yeah, it's like... Because the thing is, is that every year, every year, there are these Cinderella teams that just go on a run and they fuck your bracket all up. And I don't like that. Like, I'm with the best. Like, I'm the guy who goes, oh, number one versus number three. Right. Number one. Oh, number 10 versus number four. Number four.
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And this woman was standing on something in the neighbor's yard. Her head was peeking above our fence, telling us the arrow had accidentally shot into my yard. It was a 2.5-foot arrow. Wow, that's a big one. And she was trying to tell my husband, yeah, it's not dangerous. Don't worry. I have my own kids and animals in the backyard. What would you do?
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Tell your neighbor to stop shooting arrows in your backyard.
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Yeah, she's bad at it, but she's practicing. You know what I would do? Stay out of the yard for a few days.
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To the person who assumes my cat is homeless. Oh, I think this might be related to the other one. Ready? Okay. To the person who assumes my cat is homeless. He's not. Recently, he has been coming in looking especially groomed, and he is a rough-and-tumble cat from Lives Outside. His fur feels luxurious, but I'm salty because he doesn't let me brush him.
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I saved him from the needle and adopted him about six years ago. So please leave my cat alone. Stop taking care of him.
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Suspicious driver. One stopped in front of a house, but he didn't see anyone get out while he was there. He followed the car, and after it took a left into our neighborhood, it sped up and ran the light. Does anybody see these suspicious cars also? Should we pursue? Should we pursue?
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Everything turns out great when you pursue random strange cars at 3 in the morning. That's exactly the advice the cops would give you. Have you heard of my story about chasing my own stolen car down into the east side of Atlanta? That's right. Oh, yeah. Yes, but I had the cops with me, so that was a little bit different.
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I work for Lyft as a driver, and I usually work late night hours to get people right home from the bars. The last few nights, I've noticed the same old man following me around in his car at 2 or 3 a.m. I think he's stalking me. I tried to switch to my wife's car the next night, but he found me and he still followed me to customers' houses and through other neighborhoods.
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I finally got scared and ran a red light to get away from him.
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Who knows? I don't know. These are two. No, this is not connected. But then he says, can anyone help me find this man? Not pictured. Sure. Right. You don't give any description about your car, his car, the neighborhood that you were in.
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Yeah, exactly. I was at this restaurant and I saw two kids, one of which had a trench coat on and standing on another one's shoulders. I think they were trying to pass as adults to get alcohol. Yeah. That's got to be a joke. That's got to be a joke.
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That's a good one. I like that one. Cheers to you, sir. That's a good one. To the neighbor who mows their lawn every single day, please stop. It's grass, not back hair. I agree with you, bro. I got a guy who blows leaves in the middle of summer. There's no leaves. Stop it. Does anyone else hear that humming noise at 3 a.m. or is it just in my head? The comment is, do you have your TV on at night?
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He responds, yes. Goes, unplug the TV. Lost Roomba. My Roomba was... A rogue Roomba? I had my rogue... I had my Roomba cleaning an area rug that's outside of my porch. It escaped under the fence.
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I'm that guy every year because I'm a fucking lug nut and I know nothing about sports. And I think to myself, I'm being smart about this. And then I'll randomly choose one. It'll be like number 13 against number 12. And I'll be like, number 13.
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That Roomba had to get away from you. The squirrels in my yard have been acting awfully suspicious lately. Anybody else notice this?
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What are they doing? What are they doing? They're filming X-rated squirrel porn. They're whacking each other off in the backyard. Offering a free couch, slightly used. May contain my cat.
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I thought the same exact thing. Did anyone else see that guy dressed like Victorian times at the grocery store? I know this is a weird question, but do you believe in time travel? Because I think he might have been a time traveler. Somehow I want to think this is a troll, but I think it's probably not.
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To the person who keeps putting their mail in my mailbox, I know where you live. My dog keeps escaping despite the invisible fence. Does anyone know of any invisible fence recommendations? Yes. And the other guy goes, well, I'd help you, but it's kind of hard to see. It's good to know there's some friends out there. You know what I'm saying? That there are all these crazy people.
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There's some friends out there. To the person who took my lawn gnome during my garage sale, that wasn't for sale and I want it back. Okay, we'll get it right back to you. found a pineapple on my porch this morning. Does anyone know what this means? Is anyone missing a pineapple? Yes, I do know what that means. That means someone wants to fuck your wife.
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To whoever decorated the stop sign with the googly eyes, please stop. It's confusing drivers. Is it really? As if your entire life, that sign shape and color has not been embedded into your brain. Someone keeps ringing my doorbell at 2 a.m. and leaving a rubber ducky on the porch. What does this mean? I don't know, dude. That actually sounds kind of scary.
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I like those guys. I like that. And inevitably, I'm done after the first round. I mean, I think a couple years ago, I did okay until they got to the sweet 16. And then I just got blown. I had one team... I had X'd out in the first round. They ended up winning the whole thing. I forgot who it was, but whatever. I do enjoy watching it.
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Who's playing the bagpipes? It's very beautiful, but it's very early. I thought that was you, Brian.
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That's right. Lords of the Acid. Live. Philip Savina. Lords of the Acid. Watch Brian have a complete anxiety meltdown on the stage. While playing the bagpipes. While playing the bagpipes. Backed by Mike Gordon from Phish. I found one shoe on this street. If you're hopping around looking for it, let me know. Someone keeps stealing my cat's toys from the porch.
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I guess we have a cat burglar in the neighborhood. Does anyone have a unicycle I can borrow? Asking for a friend. There's one more here. Okay. Oh, no, that was it. Okay. All right. So that was it. That was all the ones I got. Those were good. Yes. That's good. Thank you, Internet. You win every time, Internet. You win every single time. All right. Let's do this. We'll take a short break.
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And when we come back, we'll do some Ask TCB's relationship style. So if you've been waiting to get this question answered for a year, I'm going to get to it now.
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We're here for you. I want to leave enough time. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's shitty relationship. So I just wait a long time until I'm sure it's already worked itself out and then give the advice. And hopefully you'll have taken it by then. All right. We'll be back.
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All right, so I have a bunch of Ask TCBs, relationship-related, that I have had forever. I mean, some of them are... I know, guys, I'm sorry. But honestly, sometimes it just takes me a while to get to it, and I have to compile them. The TCB hotline is a great idea.
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If we actually had a way of managing all the text messages that come through in, like, one neat, nice little package, and I know they have apps that do this for us, but honestly, sometimes they get buried, you know... Buried, buried, buried, buried, buried. And then I have to go back to it and I have to go, oh, that's right. That person asked a question and whatever. Blah, blah, blah. You get it.
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We're unorganized here. Okay. One idiot running the ship. It's two ding-a-lings and a ying-a-ling. All right.
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Yeah. Well, that's the name of the last episode. I put a ying-a-ling. Wait. Ying-a-lings, twins, ying-a-lings, Darcy Sings, and two ding-a-lings. Perfect. Something like that. Okay. All right. So you want funny ones or you want more serious ones? You want me to mix them up?
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Okay. Here's one. Now, I think this is serious, but I'm not 100% sure. And so you can tell us, Thomas, you can tell us, text me and let me know if this was a serious question. But we got this a long time ago when we reviewed about the lady who thought she was a cat and the guy who was dating her. Oh, yeah.
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Remember, the girl was like 20 years old, and he was like 56 years old, and she was like super slinky and sexy, and he had her running around the house like she was a cat. Lapping milk. Yeah, pissing in a litter box and all kind of crazy shit. Hey, guys, I just love the show, but I have a quick question. My girlfriend of two years has recently decided that she, in fact, is a cat.
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Now, I think this might be one of those people who like they think they're an animal. Do you know what I'm talking about? This is like hot right now. It's a trend for these kids to believe, truly believe that they are an animal. They can morph into an animal. They can do this. Not for me to say whether or not you're an actual cat, but okay. She's now hissing when she's mad.
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She naps in weird places curled up like a ball. And last week she wanted to drink milk straight from a bowl on the floor. I saw you guys do this episode. And believe me, this is true. People do do this. Do I need to call a therapist or do I just lean into it and buy her a scratching post?
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Yes. Yes. Because, you know. Radio. That's why. Because radio.
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Yeah. First of all, do you have a litter box? If you have a litter box, it's all good. Don't worry about it. Listen, milk is a lot less expensive than a fancy restaurant. So I'd say I'd say lean into the things that are positive about this.
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If she's hissing at, I don't know, you like your back scratched? You like someone making muffins on your chest in the morning? Hey, listen, there you go. You got it all, right? And, you know, I guess it's cool, dude.
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But if all of a sudden she woke up and started acting like a cat, you probably want to get a therapist involved. But I'd let it roll for a few days. You know, see if there's some kind of weird sex you can have that feels good. Yeah, it feels good. All right, let's go to a serious one. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about this too much. And you're not giving us a bunch of details.
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But if she like literally didn't just flip a switch and become crazy cat lady overnight, then I just say she's having a moment. She's into a fetish or whatever it is and let her roll with it for a little while. If it's not harming anybody, then who cares? Although it is a little strange when your girlfriend goes, can you pour me some milk into a bowl and lapping it up. That's what my kids do.
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My kids are weird, though. Children are strange. All right. My partner never apologizes, even when they are clearly wrong. OK, so Tammy says she loves the show. I've been with my partner for three years and I'm starting to notice a pattern. They never apologize. Even when it's obvious they have messed something up, they'll either double down, change the subject, or somehow make it my fault.
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I'm exhausted from having the same argument over and over. It never gets through. There's never an apology, even though there are situations where she has clearly been wrong all this time. Is this a red flag or am I being sensitive as she's telling me that I am? Yeah. Well, Tammy.
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Yes. She's gaslighting. She's never apologizing. Listen, I have said this before on this show. The number one lesson I have learned about relationships and life in general. Know which hills to die on and which ones not to. Even when I'm right sometimes or I feel that I'm strongly right, I let it go. I let it go and I say, okay, that's fine because I'm not going to be a right fighter.
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I will never forget U.S. Open, Tiger Woods, Monday, a Monday extra rounds because they were tied, right? So, you know, you go into playoff and it was, I forget the guy's name, the Japanese guy. He was so good. And Tiger Woods with a broken leg. Oh.
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Right fighting leads to so many fucking arguments. It's not even funny.
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harder yeah it makes life harder so if it's small shit just leave it alone who fucking cares if it's big shit like you're like she's really in the wrong yeah that's that's a problem and that is that you know you might have to go to therapy for that one and this is not the place to get therapy that's for sure chrissy and i don't know shit from shinola
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But I would say that like if she really never apologizes and she's doing things or saying things or arguing things that are clearly in the wrong, like in like black and white reality, everyone would go, oh, yeah, you're in the right. She's in the wrong. And she just refuses to apologize. That's a certain kind of illness. It's called right fighting. And it drives me up a wall.
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Anybody who's a right fighter drives me up a wall. So, you know, you got to just decide whether or not this is a big enough deal to you. Yeah, something you can live with or something you can't.
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um oh this is janice janice says every single night my husband is for the last two years my husband starts their dinner conversation with so today i was on uh cryptocurrency trader.com my husband has become a crypto bro and i cannot take it i haven't i won't and yet he won't stop uh last night i caught him i I caught him trying to make NFTs out of some of our wedding photos. What?
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And he has become the person I despise the most. An uninformed moron. What would you do? So Astrid and I have had this conversation.
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No, not about NFTs. No, not about crypto. No, this is the argument that we have had. Given the whole situation with Love is Blind and then Unmarried at First Sight and then a couple of other television shows that we either have in the background or we've watched together, there have been breakups due to political differences.
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Like, I don't think I could be with this person because this is what they believe. And the question that's always gone on in our mind is how in 2025. And then there's like specifically some people in our inner circle who have divided households and they're like recently divided. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like in this last election, one went one way, one went the other way.
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And now it's causing a bunch of drama. At least that's what I hear. It's causing a bunch of drama. And some people are really struggling how they wrap their heads around. how this supposed idiot is living in our house. No matter what you think, the other side, clearly everyone is very tribalistic right now.
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And how do you ignore what one side of the fence is doing supposedly to our country, no matter what side of the fence you are on? You probably demonize the other side for what they supposedly are doing to our country. And how do you have a marriage with that person where you've got to interact with them every day and they clearly don't think the same way that you do. Can you do that?
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And I think the intention of the question is, this is where she's going with it. Like, he's become this dude that I just dislike altogether. Like, kind of this amalgamation of all these, you know... Kind of a lug nut, so to speak, right? How do I deal with that? Get a divorce. That's what I got to say. That's my advice to you. Get a divorce. Call a divorce attorney. That's it. I don't know.
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And they had to play 18 holes. And it started at like 8.30 in the morning, and they put that on in one of the conference rooms, and no one got a fucking thing done the entire day. It was six hours of watching Tiger Woods. Someone went and got some beer. And it was just like playing hooky. I know. Meanwhile, you know, there's no ads running in the radio shows. No sales being made.
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I don't know how you do that in 2025. If it was me, I don't know that I could deal with having someone so diametrically opposed to everything that I think is right and good and live with them. I don't know. I don't know how you do that. You're a better woman than I am.
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There's a good out. There's a great out. He wasted my money on crypto.
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But I'll share with you that I stripped some of the politics from this. But this goes deeper than just crypto. Crypto is like just kind of an example.
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So that's why I kind of went off on a rant there. I probably should have added that at the beginning and not at the end. But, you know, you get what I'm saying.
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Listen, is the dick good? Because if the dick is good, maybe you just ignore some of it.
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Yeah. But you guys have been together for a long time. The dick can't be that good. You know what I'm saying? Like, eventually, we all get used to the dick. I had a friend, same guy, who said, you're at that age where you're scared of pussy. Used to say the following, show me a hot girl and I'll show you a guy who's sick of fucking her. Right? Yeah.
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Never truer words have been said and replace the girl with he, they, them, whatever it is. It's true. Show me a hot guy. I'll show you a girl who's sick of fucking him. Right. It's just the way that it goes eventually. And so I don't know. You got to just kind of.
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Yeah, it's in your head. It's in your living room. It's at your dinner table. I don't know. And especially if you won't shut up about it.
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Maybe you just say, listen, we don't believe the same thing, so let's just talk about the bills.
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That's it. Okay. My family's girlfriend is treating me like an outsider. I'm summarizing these so that we get a little teaser beforehand. I've been dating my girlfriend for over a year and her family still acts like I'm some guy she met yesterday. I try to be friendly. I offer my help at family events. I step in when I can to be there. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Well, it's not starting off great, bro.
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You got to find a new girlfriend. Sorry. Got to say it. You got to find a new girlfriend.
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Yeah, this is like you guys have been together for a year and you haven't talked about this?
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Is she even your girlfriend? Or are you just showing up to your friend's random events and hoping that things turn out okay? Yeah, you got to have conversation about stuff like this. Should you mention something? You should have mentioned something the first time it happened. Absolutely got to communicate about these kinds of things.
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But if her family doesn't like you and she's involved with her family a lot, there is zero chance it's going to work out well in the long run. I'm sure there are certainly exceptions to that rule, but not that I've seen it.
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Listen, I was married. I've been married twice. And you know this if you listen to the show. My first wife, I loved her immediate family. And I think for the most part, at least up until the very, very end, when of course you have to pick a side, they liked me too, right? But it was just three members of the family, mother and the other two, the brother and the sister.
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And we seemed to all get along very well for a very long time. Yeah. And then one side of her extended family, I really enjoyed their company. I felt like we also got along very well. I think they would – at least I would hope they would say the same thing about me. But there was the other side of the family, like, you know, the other side of the extended family. It was clear. I was not –
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Yeah, there's just tornado warnings just running back to back to back on these major radio stations here in Atlanta. We're all watching Tiger Woods. The entire world was watching Tiger Woods. Any excuse. Any excuse.
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The chosen one. They did not want some scrappy, you know, in their minds, libtard, even though I wasn't. But that's what they assumed about me. Libtard, poor, you know, wearing a chain around his wallet kind of guy. They wanted some French aristocracy. You know, they wanted some French aristocrat to come in and.
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Some preppy, went to the right schools, did the right things, worked at the hedge fund kind of guy. And I just wasn't that dude. I was never going to be that dude. But it was clear from the moment that I met them. And they even made that known out loud at family events. So I felt very uncomfortable around that side of the family.
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I was never good enough for this lady in their eyes, was my impression. And since they said it out loud, I'm pretty sure I was getting that one right on the nose. And that never sat well with me. And I'm not sure that if we had stayed married 20 years in, that things would be great between us. Because I think I would feel very shitty about all of that, you know, just not fitting into their family.
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Like, I don't think it would have been comfortable.
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No, it gave me a complex. And I still have that complex to that day. Thanks. Thanks, ex-wifey and your extended family. You know who you are. I don't need to tell you. Of course, I really hope that my ex-wife isn't listening to this show, but she probably is. She probably is.
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You know, if you've got an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend that does a podcast four days a week, you're probably going to tune in every once in a while, too. Just to find out, just to say, yep, I made the right choice getting a divorce from that guy. I sure did. All right, let's do two more.
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I adore my girlfriend, but he eats like a literal trash panda. He's hunched over the coffee table the other night, gnawing on a rotisserie chicken like a caveman. He refuses to use napkins instead, wiping his hands on his own shirt or worse, sometimes the kitchen towel. Do I stage an intervention or just start feeding him on the porch?
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Okay, stop being silly. Your boyfriend doesn't have manners. Manners is something that gets taught to you as a child.
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Yeah, how did he become your boyfriend? Did you not notice that he was slopping up his food like an idiot? I mean, listen, young lady, manners are something that get bred into you at a very young age and you It's hard to teach an old dog new tricks. Trust me.
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And I am beating my children over the side of their head with the manners thing because so many people in this day and age don't have any respect, manners, chivalry, none of it. And I'm sorry. I still believe in that kind of stuff. I think it makes you a well-rounded human being that can adjust in any situation.
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Manners do matter. And if your guy doesn't have manners and he's over the age of 20, it's going to be really hard for him to start picking them up now. Small things can change. Big, all of the stuff is not going to change at one time. So my advice to you, find a new boyfriend. That's all I got to say.
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Yeah, feed him outside. Okay. Just get a new boyfriend. Don't bother. Put him out on the porch. Don't put him out on the porch. Just don't bother having him around. Okay? All right. There you go.
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Why not? I mean, you know, it all goes back to Trump, I guess, at the end of the day. I mean, Tiger's no fool. He's one of those billionaires that's going to, you know, benefit from tax cuts. He's like, let me get in this family. Let me get in this family. Listen, I have my thoughts about Tiger Woods as a human being, neither here nor there. His private life is his private life.
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Well, I got more. I got more, so we can do more. Good. I got lots more. Okay. Well, I'd like to thank, well, I'm trying to adjust my glasses here. They look good. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. I'd like to thank our guest this week, Aaron Weber, one more time. He was great. And on a second listen to the show, I think he was really great on the show, actually.
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Aaron Weber's new 30-minute comedy special produced by Nate Bargatze. is available on YouTube. Links in the show notes. Go listen to the episode on Tuesday. He's really funny. He's just a good guy. He's also got some tour dates coming up, so you can go to AaronWeber.com. And check him out. If he's coming to a town near you, go see him.
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He's one of these comics you're not going to pay $500 to go see. It's probably $30 for a ticket. You can sit in the front row.
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Get yourself a couple drinks and have a good day.
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Yeah, he's at Zany's a lot is what I've noticed. He's the Zany's regular. So if you're there, go check him out. And the Nashville Comedy Fest is coming up here in a couple weeks as this is being released. So if you're up in Nashville, go see that. Go say hi to our good friend Veer Das. Tell him the commercial break said hello. He'll probably run from the stage. Who? Oh, those guys. Those two.
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Yeah. Okay. All right. Thanks. I got a therapy session in a couple minutes. I'll talk to my therapist about it. Hey, listen, we did the best that we could given the circumstances. We were newbies and we're still newbies, but we haven't gotten much better according to some people on YouTube. Yeah. I'll share that on tomorrow's episode. Oh, yeah.
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Remind me to tell you about Kathleen Madigan and her rabid fans who dislike me with a passion. Wow. I don't care. Whatever. I care, but I don't care. It's all too confusing. TCBpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there from one location. You can also get your free swag. Drop down menu on the contact us button says I want my free sticker.
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Give us your physical address and we'll send you a sticker. 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, or leave us a voicemail at thecommercialbreak on Instagram, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak for all the videos the same day they air here on the audio. Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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But his private life became so public for so long that it's hard to ignore some of the drama around Tiger. But he has just had accident and incident after accident and incident. He abused the shit out of his body with that golf swing. And he's done. He's not going to play competitive golf at any kind of level ever again. I'm convinced of that. And that's sad to know because Tiger Woods really was.
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One of sports' most interesting things. I mean, he's just a different... It's like Michael Jackson, Tiger Woods, I don't know, Tom Cruise, Michael Jordan. These people, they just defy gravity in a way that's really hard to understand. They capture the world's attention and they have the goods to back it up. And then every time... There was a time there...
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When almost every time Tiger Woods teed it up, he was in contention or winning. He won like 12 tournaments one season or something. I mean, just like unbelievable. He was so much fun to watch. And you could count on him winning. So it was, you know, it was great.
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Mickelson and Woods at that Masters. And Mickelson hit that shot off the pine straw. That was great. It turns out he's a creep, too. I know. I know. It wouldn't surprise me if he's dating one of the Trumps also. I mean, now he's in bed with the Saudi Arabians. It's whatever. Don't meet your heroes. That's all I got to say. Don't meet your heroes. But the March Madness gets me every year.
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I love it. I love to watch. I'll start paying attention here over the weekend. But one of the things that I was paying attention to was this story about the University of West Virginia. Uh-huh. not getting into the tournament. You know, they have a selection committee that essentially selects all of the teams. And there are some that it's just obvious they're going to be in the tournament.
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Duke, right? They're going to be in the tournament. They're like the number one team or whatever. They're going to be in the tournament, no doubt. But then there's these on the bubble teams. They call them on the bubble teams. And the selection committee selects those teams. And this year they selected UNC, the University of North Carolina, over the University of West Virginia, I think it is.
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And everyone was like, huh? UNC didn't have a better record than University of West Virginia. University of West Virginia certainly should have had more consideration than UNC. And everybody was calling it a big scandal. And I was reading about it, and it does kind of feel like there's some weight to the...
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conspiracy theories I guess as the athletic director for the UNC for the UNC sports division you know the athletics yeah is on the selection committee and he got paid some money and he paid some money like there's this it's all just follow the fucking money that is Which is unbelievable to me. I mean, listen, it's not the fault of the kids at UNC.
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They're just trying to play some basketball and they're excited about getting into the tournament. And they won their game last night on this, like, they call it the first four, which is like a wild card. They won, I guess, silencing some of the critics. But it just goes to show that everything these days is bought and paid for every fucking thing. Capitalism is taking its final dying breaths.
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I think we're realizing that it only works for a few. It doesn't work for the many. And it's just like it's so incredibly transparent what's going on here. And no one seems to give a shit, I guess. No one stops it. No one cares. I don't know. Again, no knock on the kids from UNC. They're playing basketball and they're excited to be in the tournament.
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But so were the kids at the University of West Virginia. They deserve their shot, too. And I don't know. There's got to be a way that they can level the playing field or something. Having a selection committee with athletic directors on it doesn't sound like the most.
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No, it doesn't. And, you know, fair and balanced.
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It's the Fox News of selection committees. NCAA. Yes, for sure. And this kind of parlays into another point that I wanted to make about bought and paid for. Anora, this movie. That took the world by storm. And, you know, you saw it. I did. You said, hey, listen, this wasn't life-changing for me.
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I have seen very few of those movies that, like, changed my life. But I have seen them. I do know what you're talking about.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Yes, Pink Floyd, The Wall, High on Acid, changed my life in so many ways. I still can't watch that movie without seeing Trails. I mean, it's like weird. I tried to watch that a couple of months ago. You did? Yeah, it was on one of the streamers or Pluto TV or something. I tried to watch it and I was like, oh my God, I feel like I'm tripping. I feel like my face is melting.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Oh no, wait, that's just the tanning bed. So I'm reading about Onora and get this. Okay, so- But Onora wins all of these Academy Awards. And the Academy Awards are voted on by the Academy. The Academy is made up of, I think, 1,200 or 1,300 people. It's the Academy.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
The Academy is this mysterious group of human beings, actors, actresses, producers, directors, technical people. I don't know how they pick the people. In the biz. Yes, in the biz bullshit. Some in the biz bullshit. And they, I think, have up to a couple weeks ahead of the show to cast their votes. Well, listen, Onora was made like two years ago. It came out a year ago. It didn't change.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Onora is not changing from month number three to two weeks before the Oscars. It's got to be in the calendar year. So we have at least a month to watch this movie. Why do they wait until the very last minute to submit their votes? Well, here is why. And you may have seen this on a website like Variety or Hollywood Reporter. You may have seen For Your Consideration.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Christopher Guest, that's right. For Your Consideration is someone buying a $10,000 banner ad to target one of the two separate Academy members who will visit that website on any given day. Why is that? Well, because there are big marketing campaigns that the studio heads put on to, first of all, get their movies nominated, and then second of all, once nominated, get them to win an award.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Because winning an Academy Award has a very... what they call Academy bump. And that means even if you're nominated, but certainly if you win, even if you win like best technical blowjob fluffer on set, you're going to see more people watching your movie because that is a notable effect that happens. It's a rise in viewership based on winning an Academy, just nominated.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
But then if you win, then you get a big bump.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
And if you win one of the big awards, you get a huge bump. This movie cost three, four, five million dollars to make. It was a very small budget.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
And everyone went around talking about how small a budget. And we made it, you know, Gonzo style and here and there and on set and on location and in these places in New Jersey. So this movie doesn't cost much and then it doesn't make much. I think it made like 40 million dollars worldwide. So, yes, it's a success in the sense that they spent a little bit and they made more.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
But guess how much they spent on marketing this movie to the Academy? Almost $20 million. Wow. XX, the amount of money that it took to make the movie is what they spent gifting the Academy Award members, I guess, whining and dining them, maybe sending them elaborate gifts and taking them on trips. I don't even know. But they're allowed to do it. They're allowed to do it.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
It's actually frowned upon if you don't. So the reason why they wait till the very last minute to submit their votes is because they want to see how many hand jobs they're going to get before the show.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Unbelievable. Nothing is sacred anymore. Nothing.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
It doesn't. It shocked me, but then for like half a second. And then I was like, oh, yeah, that makes sense. Totally. They spent more money than any other film this year marketing to the Academy. Any other film. Thank you. And $20 million is a lot of cash when you're talking about a thousand people that you're trying to target. That's what I do quick math in my head.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
That's $4 million per Academy member. If I do that minus the one carry three and a half million dollars per Academy member that you're spending marketing your film for an Academy award. And guess what? It worked. There you go. I did not see one of those movies. Not one. Dune 2. Wicked.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
It's as long as Adrian Brody's speech, first of all. Second of all, I got to take vacation days to watch The Brutalist.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
Yeah, I got to find babysitters to watch that movie. There's very few movies I want to get that invested in. Wicked was two hours and something odd long. I enjoyed it. It kept bouncing along. So I thought, oh, okay, there you go. Dune 2 was a lengthy movie.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
You could give me more of that all day long. I do like the dunes. I'm a dune kind of guy.
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For Your Consideration: Nextdoor & Ask TCB
You got to watch it. You have to watch it. It's so fucking good. And it's so beautifully shot. And the special effects don't look like special effects. They don't give it away. The guy rides a big giant worm and you don't know. You're like, oh, where did they get a big giant worm from? Because it's so realistic.
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The 700 Club!
I felt like maybe we could structure it a little bit. And at times we tried. But that was work. Yeah, but that was work. It was work and it felt constricting. And I don't feel that I found the funny in like when I was doing the bits.
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The 700 Club!
For the first 20 or 30 episodes. That was fun because I got to manufacture that out of whole cloth. But it took a lot of time and I had to write everything down and I had to practice and then I had to do it over again. It took hours to create those things, sometimes days to create those things.
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The 700 Club!
And so, and then when I tried to structure the show, like put more structure to the actual content of the show, I found the more that I put structure to it, the less I felt there was freedom to have fun with it. I always felt like we had to hit the next beat, hit the next beat, hit the next beat. So then after 50 episodes, I think it got really loose.
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The 700 Club!
And I would say that, you know, in that 100 to 200 range, I think we relied a lot on other people to bring the funny, and I don't mean other people like guests, I mean like videos, right? Yeah. We were doing a whole lot of videos. I think the nature of the podcast, really, quite frankly there, I think for like a string of 100 episodes, I would say that 70 of them had videos in them.
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The 700 Club!
We were doing a video every single day. But also, we were only doing two episodes a week. So it was a little bit different, right? And even then... I found that the improv was where the freedom was to have some fun and to be funny. So by the time we turned the corner on like episode number 350, I felt like I, at least from my sitting in my chair, I felt like the podcast had a personality.
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The 700 Club!
I don't know necessarily what that was kind of goofy and ADHD and all over the place, but I felt like it had a personality and all we needed to do was just have the freedom to find the funny and, And eventually we would get there. It might take us 10 or 15 episodes, but we would find a good episode in there somewhere.
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The 700 Club!
And I think after episode, like, let's say 500, I felt like we knew what we were doing. We could turn on the microphone. We could figure out an hour of content. We could talk, you know, incessantly for 45 straight minutes and not have to worry about it. And now at episode number 700... You know, I think the episode has a following. I think the commercial break has a following.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, that doesn't even work all that much. Hey, I don't want to record today. Okay.
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The 700 Club!
I think there are people who really enjoy hearing us talk for whatever crazy reason. Yeah. And I think the podcast has taken on a personality of its own.
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The 700 Club!
And then Brian died in a tragic cream and cereal accident. chewing cocoa leaves with his cream and cereal. Brian had a massive coronary right there at the kitchen table. His children cried, but the listeners did not, for their long suffering is over. The commercial break. The worst podcast ever. Yeah, that's how I feel about the podcast. I feel like it's taken on a life of its own. It has.
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The 700 Club!
There is a weird thing that has happened with the commercial break that I've, over the last 50 episodes, I've really noticed. It does have a life of its own. There are people out there who... really enjoy the show, and they have... God bless you. I know, God bless you. Seriously. Thank you. What are you thinking? What are you doing?
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The 700 Club!
What are you doing with your life when you're just listening to us? I mean, I thank you from the bottom of my heart because it provides us a living, but I cannot imagine. I... I never listen. I mean, when I'm editing, I listen to parts of our episode, but I used to listen to every episode because I wanted to hear it and I wanted to listen to what we were doing and see if we could make it better.
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The 700 Club!
I gave up on making it better. I just decided I don't need to listen to it. I just did it. What do I need to listen to it for?
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The 700 Club!
Raw dog it. Chrissy and Brian raw dog you every Tuesday through Friday. We're going in bald, baby. Going in bald. No hat needed. Yeah, that should be our new tagline. Raw dog it with the commercial break.
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The 700 Club!
Oh, God, we have a tagline every 50 episodes. We find something different to say. It's not for everyone. It's not for everyone. Thank God we don't do that anymore. I'd have to add we raw dog it to the end of that. Welcome back to another episode of this, the commercial break. Hey, it's not for everybody, but at least it's free. Fact, news, or fiction, 15 minutes or less or your money back.
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The 700 Club!
Aw, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Chrissy to my Brian.
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The 700 Club!
Go to TCBpodcast.com to collect your earnings. TCB, we raw dog it. Raw dog it with the commercial break. Ryan and Chrissy.
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The 700 Club!
Oh, yeah, it was. Well, that was also a way to kill minutes. I mean, I think we were doing three minutes of intro for about 180 episodes there. Brian was just blabbering on. You know, if you know, you know, I-K-N-Y-K-D-Y.
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The 700 Club!
Oh, my God. I was on Instagram the other day, and the worst offender of I-K-N-Y-K-Y-D-Y, or whatever that is, if you know, you know, the worst offender literally put it four stories in a row. I, K, whatever that is. If you know, you know. If you know, you know. If you know, you know. If you know, you know. Showing an inside of a random bar or restaurant on every photo.
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The 700 Club!
And it's like, well, I don't know because not everybody lives in your fucking town. So why don't you let us know? So that way we're in on the joke also. This must be the coolest place on earth. If you know, you know. Are the only people that know. Like, I'd like to know too. Can you let me in? Doesn't have the name of the place. Doesn't say why they're there.
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The 700 Club!
Doesn't give any information about why or why not. It's cool or not. It's like, it's so dumb. And then Astrid puts it on our Instagram post just to piss me off. Yes, she does. Astrid, you're fired. After 700 episodes, Astrid's fired. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back celebrating 700 with 700. I'll explain after this break.
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The 700 Club!
yeah, we're doing a little math here in the studio. So 3.5 to 4 million podcasts that have ever been ever, uh, since it started 2009, 2010, only, uh, Tina did some research. Only two and a half percent of those have made it past episode 300, which in the most liberal of math, probably put somewhere in the neighborhood of 8,000 that have been over 300. There's no specific stats on over 300.
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The 700 Club!
It's un-fucking-believable that this podcast made it to seven episodes, let alone 700 episodes. And you've been here with us for some of it. So thank you very much. We appreciate it. There's a few out there. I think there's a few. Tina's one. Tina might be one that's been listening since the very beginning.
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The 700 Club!
So it doesn't, they don't, they're not really tracking that. Uh, But you have to imagine that if you double that, at least half of those are out. At least half of those are out the door. And then you add some more. I would say we're probably one of a couple thousand that have gotten to episode number 700.
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The 700 Club!
And if we get to a thousand, which if we're here and we're kicking and the fans are still listening to us. Fans. The listeners. I hate saying that word. Hate saying that word. If the listeners are still here, then we will, I think. Be in the upper. We will win just because we did it for this long. Do you know what I'm saying?
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The 700 Club!
I mean, at some point, Joe Rogan just became famous because he was 7,000 episodes in. And people were like, there's so much of Joe Rogan that how can I ignore it? Do you know what I'm saying? We will win. Just by staying steady, staying the course, mediocre all the way, doesn't matter that only 15 episodes are good, we're going to keep on going. We'll add a 16th by episode 1,000, I promise.
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The 700 Club!
When we get to episode 1,000, at least 0.15% of our episodes will be ones you want to listen to. Also, I wanted to say this, and I kind of got lost in my thought, which happens often here. The podcast has taken a life of its own, and for the listeners, who at least the ones that interact with us, it's...
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The 700 Club!
interesting to see what the podcast means to them how it affects them in their daily life how when they listen they get a giggle or it helps them through their work day or it's helping them through a divorce or whatever the situation may be the stories are endless but that to me feels like you know i don't feel like we're saving little kittens from trees But we're doing something. Yes, no.
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The 700 Club!
Brian's ranting all the time about something or other. Brian's getting more miserable in his old age, and you're listening. Okay. I guess we're all going to get cranky together. Let's do that. 700 episodes. Chrissy, there's only one other content creator that I can think of where the number 700 really means something. And that's, of course, the 700 Club.
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The 700 Club!
The venerable morning show that is bought and paid for on your local... CBS, NBC, CW. Your own personal Jesus. Your own personal Jesus. That's a good one. That's a good way to put it. It's your own personal Jesus. The televangelists that have enough money to take over an hour of morning television every day. And it's not because... The network wants that content.
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The 700 Club!
It's because they pay for that airtime. The 700 Club, of course, is headed up or was headed up, I think now his son does it, by the Robertson family, Pat Robertson and his whole Pat Robertson ministry bullshit. He's one of the few televangelists from the 80s that kind of survived the downfall of all the 80s televangelists who were in some way, shape, or form absconding with cash.
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The 700 Club!
So I guess you give them a little bit of credit there. But Pat Robertson, He's got to be one of the biggest idiots that ever lived in this entire world. He's dead now. And, you know, I'm not going to dance on somebody's grave, but I don't miss him because he was a bigot, a racist, an interpreter of the Bible in any which way he saw fit to twist the words to make sure that it fit his narrative.
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The 700 Club!
And I think there's a couple of others who claim that they've been listening since the beginning. So that's good. I know one or two that write in often. And I think Marianne has probably been around since close to the beginning. Roxanne has been around since close from the beginning. Gustavo has been around. But those are family members, so I don't know if we can count them. Rachel. Rachel.
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The 700 Club!
And his narrative was always crooked. It was always wrong. It was always weird. And Pat Robertson was an old kook, if you ask me. He was just a weirdo.
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The 700 Club!
He was an old kook. I mean, he was. He was an old kook. Somebody said to me the other day, they go, he's an old kook. And I go, what's a kook? He goes, I don't know. It's a crazy person. I said, okay. I call him a kook, not a kook. But anyway, he's an old kook. The guy was just a looney tune. And he had been for years. And the older he got, the more strange he got.
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The 700 Club!
Him and that Kenneth Copeland, they both just got old and got crazier than they ever have been. And it's just amazing to me the way that he takes Scripture and he interprets it. He one time told a man, wrote in and asked if he should divorce his wife who had Alzheimer's because he didn't recognize her anymore.
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The 700 Club!
And Pat said, yes, if she was still in her right mind, she would agree that you needed to go on and find a wife who could, you know, fulfill her wifely duties. And unfortunately, the time was up for whatever. I mean, just a crazy... AIDS had caused, you know, or I don't know, the tsunami and the hurricane was coming for Florida because that's where the gay people live.
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The 700 Club!
I mean, the guy was just all over the place. Terrible human being, terrible human being. But there is comedy in some of these situations, as we found over our 700 episodes. I waited respectfully at least a year or two after Pat Robertson died. But now I think it's fair game. I think it's probably fair game the day after he died. But you know what? Here we are. The CBN Network, the 700 Club.
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The 700 Club!
Let's review one of my favorite segments with Pat, which was when Pat took phone calls and answered questions. You ready?
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The 700 Club!
As I do like to do. Here's some 700 Club. Oh, is there, do we have that on mute? Let's, yeah, let's try that again. Oh, that's weird.
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The 700 Club!
Indiana Jones number four. It was found. Actually, the first Indiana Jones Ark of the Covenant was found. What about Noah's Ark and more? Your questions take center stage. Look at this stock photography guy on the phone, very concerned about whether or not the Ark of the Covenant has been found. Hey, Jim, it's me, Bob. Hey, did they find the Ark of the Covenant? I got a meeting later on today.
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The 700 Club!
I need the answer. All show long on today's 700 Club. Showing young people on the telephone, you know, hey, what up? Flippity flop. Jizzity jizz.
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The 700 Club!
Rachel, Rachel's been around since the beginning. Rachel was on at the beginning. Actually, she was on episode number like, I don't know, 10 or 11 or 12 or something like that. Anyway, here we are 700 episodes into the commercial break. Thank you for all of the love, the support, the kindness, the, you know, downloading on a consistent basis. It has been a wild ride to say the least.
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The 700 Club!
Well, I think Pat got liberal in his old age because there was stock photography of a black person. So there you go. Times do change. Old coots get a little less cootie in their old age. You know what I'm saying? Coots.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, this is right before he died, by the way. I think this is from 2020 or 2021 or something like that. But that blue sweater is something straight out of Mr. Rogers. And that face is something straight out of hell. I mean, listen, everyone's going to get old and nasty at some point. It just happens to us, right? Yeah. Could have happened to a nicer person. Let's put it that way.
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The 700 Club!
And hopefully my chin don't fall off. Hopefully my jaw don't separate from my face.
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The 700 Club!
I'll do my best to offend as many people as possible so I can make the news tomorrow. That's... That's what he did. He liked to make the news, Chrissy.
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The 700 Club!
The ears got huge. Have you not noticed Brian's ears are getting big? Because he's a sinner, Chrissy. A sinner.
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The 700 Club!
She's like, I smell a dead body right now. I think it's yours, Pat.
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The 700 Club!
She's like, my husband is a fucknut, and he's been sitting his entire life and now claims he wants to be saved. Can you please explain why he's going to go to hell?
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The 700 Club!
Clear up the confusion for me. Like Pat knows. Like anybody knows. Yeah.
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The 700 Club!
We can all go crazy. I love it. But remember, you never know when you're going to die.
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The 700 Club!
Grace may abound, Brownie Brown and Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston. I wouldn't presume. Does that answer your question? What did he just fucking say?
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The 700 Club!
And I don't want to get too celebratory. A thousand episodes. That's when we go fucking bananas. But 700, every time we hit another hundred.
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The 700 Club!
That's what I heard. Good advice. All right. Great advice. Great advice on the Bobby Brown there, Pat. She has to say that.
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The 700 Club!
And I think we should give to the church and tithe and buy another airplane and put me in these pretty blue sweaters and get me Viagra and a pretty co-host and wheel me around from strip club to strip club when no one's looking.
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The 700 Club!
It's something to be said for it. Of course, we just hit 500 like three months ago. So now we're at 700. It's also unbelievable how much content we put out. It's really, it's really a grind. It can really be a grind. I mean, not that I'm complaining. We don't dig ditches for a living. It's just anything you do.
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The 700 Club!
You are one of the richest Christian preachers that has ever lived. Of course you believe investing. Investing in you, tithing to the church to make you and your family personally wealthy without taxation. Congratulations, Pat. You have pulled off one of the biggest con jobs in television history.
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The 700 Club!
Excuse me. My lips are dry. Give Uncle Pat a kiss, Chrissy. Give Uncle Pat a kiss on his penis.
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The 700 Club!
Do you remember when Pat was a younger man and he had the nipples of a bodybuilder? I'll show you.
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The 700 Club!
The more you get, the more you can give Uncle Pat for his kisses on his penis.
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The 700 Club!
Open the windows of Malachi and pour the water out the blessings. Don't you see? Come here. Give Uncle Pat another kiss on the lips. Let me get them. Let me moisten them for you. Yeah. Don't mind the makeup.
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The 700 Club!
Pat, there's no problem with the time you're living here because you have done very well for yourself. I will say this about Pat and take this for what it's worth, but I think it's important to point out. In 2020, Pat Robertson did correctly predict that Donald Trump would be president. There would be attempted assassinations on his life twice.
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The 700 Club!
He predicted it would happen in 2020, but he predicted it would happen. Now, he was wrong about the year. But when I heard that, I was like, wow.
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The 700 Club!
The beast has to be fed. No rest for the weary. That contract does not flex. It just does not flex. And it says we are obligated to be here for a certain amount. Actually, I was the one who told them we would be here for a certain amount of time. So it's kind of my fault. I agreed to it. Odyssey was actually willing to let us be a little bit flexible, but I was like, no, no, no.
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The 700 Club!
But I love that oatmeal, Chrissy. It's soft. It's soft and it's lovely. It's like my mother's bosom. And I was thinking the other day, if I could be alive in the time of the Romans, I could have bathed with other men without promiscuity. But I'm not alive then, so I bathe with other men in secrecy. It's just a little bit different, Chris Eyre.
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The 700 Club!
He wouldn't have believed in Jesus back then, but he believed in him now. He's too much of a hippie, I think, is what he's saying. He's an itinerant preacher, which I think means...
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The 700 Club!
What time is it? Lunchtime? I believe. Oh, what are we doing? We're reading emails? Okay, let me put my teeth back in.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, he's so evil. Look at that face. Oh, that's a face of a lover.
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The 700 Club!
How highly offensive, Pat. You could have been born a different color and poor. You're right. You could have. Now, listen, to defend what he's trying to say, I think, means he's taking some realization that he, in fact, has been lucky in his life.
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The 700 Club!
But since I know Pat Robertson and I've heard all of the terrible things he's ever said as a noted racist and bigot and homophobe, I think he's just pouring more salt in the wounds of people who can't afford a pretty television studio and three private planes.
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The 700 Club!
We'll be here every day for the next three hundred thousand years. Don't worry about it. We'll figure it out.
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The 700 Club!
I don't care about you, you silly little bitch. Who's this woman talking over me? Snap it.
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The 700 Club!
But hey, you know what? There is something to be said for longevity. I think there's something to be said for reps. Even ChatGPT agrees that the show, the consistent content that is put out on a frequent basis.
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The 700 Club!
Oh, I can't wait for this one. Watch the hypocrisy flow through the scripture now, kids.
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The 700 Club!
And while Jesus said unconditional love to everyone, there were some conditions on that love.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, the consistent, mediocre content put out on a consistent basis is better or worse than really good content put out just a few times a year. You know, there are some podcasts who literally put out one or two episodes a year. I think there's a very famous podcast. I wish I could remember the name of the guy. He's a famous author.
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The 700 Club!
This and that, Chrissy. I just think that's the wrong way to finance things. What you need to do is ask people to send you money in an envelope.
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The 700 Club!
No, that wasn't. That wasn't me. Roll it back. Roll it back. Take your finger, roll it back. Hold on one second. Honestly, I want to hear this. Hold on one second. Yeah, just swipe your finger backward just a little bit, like over to the left. There you go. Okay, one more time. Just swipe it over to the left. Okay, listen to this.
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The 700 Club!
Turn that back. Three swipes. Three swipes. Let's lead up to it. I want to see what happens. Everybody looked at me.
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The 700 Club!
All right. Praise God. He dropped a bomb. I dropped my phone. There we go. All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back.
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The 700 Club!
He puts out two podcasts a year, and they're less than 60 minutes each time. And people fiend over them, and sponsors pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to be attached to those two episodes. Let's do that. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I mean, if we had that kind of cachet, maybe we could. But let's be real.
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The 700 Club!
Ooh, Rachel sounds good on those liners. Yes, she does. She's a laugh-a-minute. All right, we're listening to Pat Robertson try and digest his oatmeal.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, it was his oatmeal. I don't know what that was, but that was unholy. That's either someone... Like in the behind the scenes with a hot mic or the lady just farted or he just farted. And it just sounded terrible. I mean, terrible. All right. Let's get back to Pat answering whether or not we should be playing lotto. Scratch off his answer so far. Nonsensical.
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The 700 Club!
The law of use, the financial curve, little by little. Is that how you did it, Pat?
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The 700 Club!
Well, people don't want to come into the church building because they don't want to get sanctified in your fucking – in your hypocrite box. That's just what's going on. People are becoming less and less secular because they feel like religion is not –
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The 700 Club!
very modern it doesn't fit the modern idea of spirituality and i think that while religion in and of itself is not always harmful and that there's lots of people who go to churches and different religions and they make great use of their time here on earth doing lots of good for other people i don't throw the baby out with the bathwater i think religion has done a lot of good
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The 700 Club!
If the last 699 episodes have been any example of what we would put out twice a year, no one's paying $100,000 to be on that show.
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The 700 Club!
I also think it's done a lot of not so good. And when you walk in and all you're doing is getting a lecture from somebody about how wrong your life is, and they're sitting there probably doing the same thing or worse, why are you so connected to God that you can talk down to me, but I have to sit here and give you my money and listen to the beat-up session, feel guilty, walk out,
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The 700 Club!
Listen, it's all a big racket. That's what it is. It's a big fucking racket. It's been going on since the beginning of time. I'm not saying every single piece of religion should be tossed out or whatever. But I just think the way that it's been interpreted... Interpreted? Interpreted, Chrissy! It's utter foolishness.
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The 700 Club!
Praise Jesus and this oatmeal getting down my tummy. I think the way it's been interpreted... It leaves power and money to a few while the rest of the people feed into it. It's another MLM. That's all it is. But there's, you know, the product they're selling is your soul. That's it. It's like life coaching.
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The 700 Club!
And, you know, a lot of people were- No, sounds perfectly safe. Religion has a track record of being great for kids. Bus those kids on in. Hey, kids, come on the happy bus. We're going to go to church.
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The 700 Club!
If I could make the money that we're making now... Which would still leave me in debt. But at least we, you know, at least it's something. It's better than some podcasters. If we can make the money we're making now, only putting out two episodes a year, you believe you me. I would be in Mallorca. Well, not on this paycheck, but it's on some paycheck.
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The 700 Club!
I'm sorry. As a parent, that does not ring true to me. I don't mind my kids learning about religion. As a matter of fact, we have considered bringing them to like a non-denominational church or even the Catholic church just so they can go and get an idea of what God is and Jesus and how it all works.
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The 700 Club!
all came into mother mary and all that other shit they want to believe in that if that's what they choose to do i'm not going to stop them nor am i they might listen to the commercial break and think i'm not a big fan but i'm not going to tell them to their face they shouldn't be doing that as long as i think it's healthy and safe for them but what's not healthy and safe it's sending your kids on a random bus to a church because you feel too lazy to go then again that is two hours alone with my wife
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The 700 Club!
Where's the local church bus when you need it? Yes. Sorry, kids. We're taking our chances. We're gambling in a different way.
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The 700 Club!
The whole kid thing is weird. You get an old ice cream van, and you paint it a dark color so the kids know you're coming. And then you slide open the door. Maybe you put a waterbed in there so that the kids can have some fun. And you slide open the door, and you say, come, kids. Come with me. Come with Uncle Pat. Kiss his penis. Kiss me on the penis. Oh.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah. It worked. It worked. You know what's creative? It's that lady's hairdo. That's what's creative.
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The 700 Club!
Thank you. And why, Cindy, are you thinking about this in Louisville, Kentucky? What are you thinking about? Have you been watching Indiana Jones?
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The 700 Club!
She says, my question is considering the Ark of the Covenant. Is that the question? We're considering the Ark of the Covenant? I don't get the beginning of the question, but do you think it's still out there? Will it ever be found? Yes, my question has to do with, pertains to, is about the Ark of the Covenant, not considering. But I get where you're going, Cindy.
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The 700 Club!
I'm just wondering exactly why you're going there. What made you wake up on this side of the bed this morning?
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The 700 Club!
I would be in Mallorca for three months of the year. I would be at every school. My kids would hate me by the end of it because I would just be lounging around the house. Yeah, bothering them. Listen, I... You know, there is a small sense of pride about hitting 700. I don't know what it is about the number 700, but it feels like we've really accomplished something. I think there are. It's a lot.
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The 700 Club!
People think Pat is on to something here, that he has some wisdom. Pat, life coach Pat, would you take Pat as a life coach? Me, personally, no, but some people apparently put a lot of faith in his answers.
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The 700 Club!
I'm almost dead, so I'm not too concerned about any of this right now. Did he just say Trump?
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, oh, the trumpet. Yeah. The second coming of Christ. I mean.
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The 700 Club!
You're waiting for the, what are you waiting for? Two camels and two giraffes and Jesus Christ on the mountain of the olives with little jalapenos and blue cheese in them?
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The 700 Club!
Interesting. Be careful. Gotcha. Totally understand. Thanks. All right. One more question for Pat before we wrap it up here.
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The 700 Club!
Wow, she sounds very serious. My question is, who are the clouds of witnesses in the Hebrews? That's my question. Answer it now.
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The 700 Club!
I think there have been three and a half million podcasts, the individual podcasts that have been put out there. I think if the statistic that I remember correctly is less than 50% of them will make it past episode number 10. Less than 50% of that will make it past episode 50. And the numbers just dwindle after you get past 100.
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The 700 Club!
Well, after 700 episodes, Chrissy, and reviewing the 700 Club, I can now confirm that Pat Robertson and the commercial break do indeed have something in common. We are up against it month after month. Getting started was the hardest part. We had $70 in our pocket, trailer full of kids, and we're just trying to make it work. Well, congratulations, my friend. After 700 episodes, here's to 700 more.
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The 700 Club!
I hope you're sitting right there next to me at 1,400, just like you were at 700. And thank everybody out there for taking part in a part of the TCB history. Listen, I don't have any answers for you on Jesus or God or the second coming or the clouds of wisdom or whatever it is. But I will tell you this. It's highly likely we'll be here tomorrow. All right. What else can I say?
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The 700 Club!
Pat Robertson, still a kook? He is kooky, man. By the way, this is Pat Robertson rather tame. Some of the stuff he's said, and I thought about pulling some of the more like... some of the more fiery clips.
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The 700 Club!
But I just didn't want to piss everybody in the entire audience off. I felt like it wouldn't be as funny if we were just, if he was talking.
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The 700 Club!
90-something? I mean, listen, if you're 90-something and still rolling in the TV studio and answering questions, I guess you got something to say for yourself, right?
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The 700 Club!
All right. Okay. Well, I hope that you're happy out there in heaven, buddy, looking down on all of us. Send me a message. Tell me what it's like. Teresa Caputo it. Piggy front me. That'd be interesting.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, I'd like to know what Pat's up to. Is he still rolling? He's piggy fronting. Is he piggy fronting around you? That's right. Okay. All right. Hey, listen. Ari Shafir was our guest last week. We would appreciate it. You go watch his new special, America's Sweetheart, on Netflix, available now for you to consume. Ari was certainly one of the more interesting guests we've had in here.
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The 700 Club!
Interesting conversation. Go take a listen to that episode if you haven't heard it. Also, if you'd like to be on the commercial break, if you'd like to be on one of the next 700 episodes, do us a favor. Leave us a message at 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. I might use you to open up the next show. Leave me a short message.
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The 700 Club!
There's just a couple hundred thousand podcasts, I think, that have put out more than 100 episodes. You get up to 700. I don't know. Maybe there's a couple hundred of us.
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The 700 Club!
Be mindful of what you say and what name you use, because if I put it out there, I can't undo it. I won't undo it. You can also leave us a text message, questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Send a text message and we'll get back to you. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, if you care. TCBpodcast.com for all the audio, all the video right there from one location.
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The 700 Club!
Also, your free TCB sticker. Hit the contact us button. Drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address and we'll send it off. And please, if you would, check out the new studio and all the episodes, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak, available the same day they air here. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, that doesn't even work all that much. Hey, I don't want to record today. Okay.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, we'll just do it on another day. But I was sharing with Chrissy and Tina, when you do a podcast that is largely dependent on your personality, you do have days where it's just like, I'm not feeling it today. I'm just not feeling it. I don't want to be funny. It's kind of like ready, set, funny. That's hard to do.
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The 700 Club!
And that's not obvious by some of the episodes that I don't know what else to tell you. I mean, there's sometimes when it just falls flat. But you get to do another rep tomorrow. And you get to hit it out. There's one around the corner. This is how I feel about the podcast now. Most of them, I would say... 65 to 70% of the shows I find to be okay. Listenable, right? There's like an additional 20.
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The 700 Club!
If we're saying 70% are okay. Listenable. Like in other words, I think, I think it's worth listening to, but I'm not sure it's the funniest thing or the best thing that ever. There's another 20% of them that I think are, are funny. They're good episodes.
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The 700 Club!
Their belly laughs once or twice in the episode. There's like 10%, so maybe like 70 of our episodes, that I think I would consider like really good TCB episodes. A shining example of what we can do on our best days, motivated, not feeling like shit, you know, just all the stars align, something funny comes along, and we hit it out of the park.
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The 700 Club!
And I think 60 of those include Frankie B. But anyway, okay. So then there's probably... 10 episodes, 10 to 15 episodes of the commercial break that I would think I would call classic. He's like really fucking great episodes of the commercial break hitting on all cylinders at all moments. We're just going. We're just if someone has lit a fire under us and we're just going.
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The 700 Club!
This is not one of those, but we are at 700. So that's how it rolls. But I also know. That at any moment, we can hit one of those episodes. So I feel like the more reps that we do. Chasing the dragon. Yeah, I'm always chasing the dragon. It's like a heroin addiction. I'm always looking for the next high. Yeah, I'm always looking for that high. That first line of cocaine. That first hit of acid.
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The 700 Club!
That first time you take mushroom. Cocoa leaf. Cocoa leaf. Yeah, I'm still up for cocoa. I'm still up for, you know, someone wants to go into a cocoa leaf business. Are cocoa leaves illegal to eat? To have, to possess. I have to imagine they are.
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The 700 Club!
Like unprocessed, not cocaine, but cocoa leaves. I wonder, I wonder if that's true. We'll have to take a look at that. I know that it's legal. I think it's legal to grow poppy, but I think you have to grow it for like food purposes, like the stuff that comes out of heroin. Like poppy seeds. Like poppy seeds. So I think you can grow the poppy seeds, but only if you use them for tea.
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The 700 Club!
Speaking of poppy seeds, just on a totally different note, did you know that a lot of people buy poppy seeds in bulk and then make tea out of it to get high? Isn't that weird? That seems like a lot of effort. I don't like effort getting high. I want Dee to show up at the front door. Yeah, I didn't even like leaving my house to get the drugs. Like I had someone come to me and I paid extra for that.
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The 700 Club!
A lot extra for shitty drugs that came, you know, to my house. But anyway, I digress. 700 episodes, Chrissy. Congratulations.
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The 700 Club!
And whether or not you can bring them back? Mm-hmm. Why? Are they legal in Mexico?
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The 700 Club!
To grow the plant, to own it, to have them? Yep. Okay. Makes sense. Don't bring them back, Chrissy. Don't bring them back. Well, I love you, but that was kind of weird. You're like, I'm going to go to Mexico and investigate. Why? Why not investigate?
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The 700 Club!
Oh, yeah. I don't think you would probably get any in Mexico. It's got to be illegal in Mexico, too. But I'm sure it's more likely that you could get your hands on some in Mexico. Like, I don't think there's any drug dealers running around with cocoa leaves in their pocket. You know, hey, man, you got that cocoa leaf?
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The 700 Club!
you can clean them out of their jaws though yeah like re-boiling the same tea leaves yeah but you'll lose your teeth that's the part about it how do you lose your teeth with it? Well, here is a fun fact that I believe is actually true. So this will count as something that I said that might be a fact. Novocaine is a derivative of cocaine. It has the same structure as cocaine.
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The 700 Club!
That's the reason why it numbs your mouth. And that's also the reason why your doctor might say to you, your dentist might say to you, You may feel your heart race a little bit after I give you this shot of Novocaine. It may raise your blood pressure a little bit. It's because it's doing some of the same things that cocaine does to your body.
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The 700 Club!
So essentially, we are still using this cocaine, you know, some derivative of cocaine in our medical procedures because it does provide, you know, anesthesia. Some people say it takes care. You know that when you go to, another thing that my dad told me, when you go to, say, Peru. Right. Because parts of Peru are a mile above sea level.
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The 700 Club!
They will give you cocaine tea. Yeah. Tea made of coca leaves. Yeah. And my dad went to a hotel once where they prepared it like turndown service. They prepared it for you because you could get altitude sickness and they wanted to prevent you. You know, they were trying to help you from getting altitude sickness. I don't want that before my turndown service because I'm never turning down.
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The 700 Club!
I'm turning right up. That's turn up service. Turn up for what? But, you know, it's a product that's used throughout the country. Anyway, whatever.
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The 700 Club!
Oh, I just read a story about a couple that broke up while going to Machu Picchu, which I think is a weird place to break up. I know. Like the guy broke up with somebody at Machu Picchu. He was like, I didn't want to date her. I didn't know what to say. We ended up on the trip. And I thought, well, Machu Picchu would be a good place. It's like Machu Picchu.
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The 700 Club!
You're going to break up with somebody at Machu Picchu? Just text her, bro. Listen, that's a story you don't want getting around. That you broke up with somebody while you were on a trip to Machu Picchu. One of the most remote places on earth, by the way. It's not like you just like... zipping on a car up onto Machu Picchu. It didn't take like three days to get up there or something, right?
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The 700 Club!
You have to hike into the woods. Yeah, anyway. I know that there's a squirrely motherfucker or two out there who grow cocoa leaves. There's got to be here in the United States. I mean, I don't know how you grow them or you get a hold of cocoa seeds, but you know there's a squirrely...
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The 700 Club!
son of a bitch out there you would think so yeah because you know if you look at it i don't even know what a cocoa plant looks like i think it just looks like a plant like a fern so you know we should do go to mexico get yourself a hold of some you know cocoa stems like you know the just pull pluck a couple out of the ground or find somebody who can do that for you bring it back say it's a fern and let's start growing them in my house as ferns and then uh you know the kids will never go to sleep
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The 700 Club!
They'll be chewing on the ferns. I'll investigate. It kind of does look like a fern, doesn't it?
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The 700 Club!
Looks like a bay leaf. Looks like a bay leaf. Yeah. See, I told you. We should have these right next to the bay leaves. I think you're on to something with that. In the public. Yeah. I back it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I'm just going to bring them back and put them in a bay leaf package. No one will be the wiser. No, officer. Except for the drug dogs. They're bay leaves. Yeah, they're bay leaves.
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The 700 Club!
On this episode of the commercial break, there's just a couple hundred thousand podcasts, I think, that have put out more than 100 episodes. You get up to 700. I don't know. Maybe there's a couple hundred of us.
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The 700 Club!
I use them in my stew. That's right. I don't want you to get an anal cavity search like I had that one time. So don't bring bay leaves back. I'm going to need you because we need to get on with the next 700 episodes. We're about to sign another contract. This time I might be a little smarter and I might say, well... I promise to try. How's that?
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The 700 Club!
I'm going to put it in the verbiage in the contract. I promise to try to make these many episodes per year. It's been a ride. It's been a ride.
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The 700 Club!
Well, we'll be here for the next couple of days, folks. I was going to take a sip of water. Okay. Take your sip of water.
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The 700 Club!
No, no, no. A thousand. We'll go for a thousand. We'll do a bottle of champagne. That's when you get to drink, Chrissy. At a thousand.
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The 700 Club!
What is your perspective on the evolution of the podcast over the last 700 episodes? I love it. Yeah?
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The 700 Club!
Yeah, we're still doing that. Remarkably, there's still a story or two left in us.
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The 700 Club!
I think that's been a... I think that's probably been one of the biggest changes about the content is the interviews. And it's something that I've found myself really enjoying. I haven't enjoyed every moment of every interview, but I've enjoyed in general having people come in and breaking up the content a little bit and allowing us to talk and find other people's perspectives.
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The 700 Club!
And, you know, just talk over the guests, as Bob would say. Yeah.
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The 700 Club!
Yeah. I think the first, you know, if I had to like... Let's pretend we were doing a documentary, right? Like a VH1 behind the podcast. TCB behind the podcast. And the interviewer was like, you know, tell us about your journey on the podcasting. I would say that for the first 10 or 15 episodes, I had a loose thought that this would be kind of sketch comedy satire and maybe a little bit of improv.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Because I know that these things can be, you know, you can feel pain in your back when you have testicular cancer or vice versa. So I go to the doctor. I call the doctor's office. I want to get in there immediately. The doctor is not available. The doctor is booked up. But they say, there's a physician's assistant, and she would be happy to see you. Well, okay, she, all right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So I'm thinking, you know, grandma's going to come in, talk to me about this, and we're all going to go, you know, we're all going to leave happy, or I'm going to get a follow-up.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
what appears this is like when i was like 35 years old what appears from behind the door you know they knock on the door mr green you know open the door hi i'm physician assistant you know l mcpherson i mean the woman dualipa i'm physician history of this happening because when you got your colonic when i got my colonic also a beautiful it was the most one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my entire life was sticking a tube up my ass to flush out the
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
The seven-layer burrito from Taco Bell. What are you eating? I don't know. What are you doing next Friday? So, you come here often? I don't know. That was my hairy asshole looking. What emerged from behind the door was just a lovely lady. I mean, she was just beautiful, in my opinion. And then I was like, oh, here we go. And so now I have to tell her the problem, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And best to you out there in the podcast universe, continuing our adventure into 20 straight days of the commercial break. For purely commercial reasons. So thank you for joining us. We really appreciate it. A lot of great feedback from the audience. So far, so good, apparently. Some people decorating while they're listening to the 12 Days of TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I know she's a medical professional, so I was explaining to her. But what I didn't expect was what came next, which was not me. It was... hey, why don't we take a look? Let me do an examination and I'll make sure there's nothing there to be concerned about. I'll have to call someone in to do that, as is medically appropriate.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And then who came in was one of the nurses, a nice young gentleman that I had known for many years going to this doctor's office. I think he thought that I was cute. That was my assumption. But they took great joy in making me uncomfortable that day by spending a little extra time jingling my balls. There was no bell ringing, but the jingling of the balls.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And luckily, there was nothing to be concerned about. It ended up that my back pain was referring that testicular pain. And when they took care of the back pain, the testicular pain went away. But this is all very important to talk about with your husbands and your boyfriends.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Especially around Christmas. You know, it's a time when we all get together and we love each other. I hope you're sitting by the fire right now with your kids.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
trimming the tree when we were prepping you for the 12 days of tcb we said gather around the yule log and listen to brian talk about his balls it happened it actually happened it was it was we were foreshadowing the entire time yeah we didn't even plan that either oh my god that was just that was just lovely wasn't it isn't everyone having a good time on the 12 days of tcb now that you've thrown up your lunch you could go back to work or that burrito
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, that's right. It's time for a break. Okay, good. All right. We have got some great stuff for you today on the 12 Days of TCB, reviewing all of the wonderful things we've done in 2024. All of your favorites, our favorites. Teresa Caputo makes the list of any season, and she's back, and I've got her in more hilarious hijinks from Teresa Caputo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But before we go, I want to remind you that we're focusing right now on some charities. Those charities, that charity that we're focusing on right now is the ASPCA. The ASPCA does God's work with animals. And when they're left or abandoned or they're sick or they're just given up because someone can't take care of them, the ASPCA does their best to care for those animals.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
They also do, you know, investigations into animal crimes and stuff like that. So I like the ASPCA. I love the ASPCA. A couple of our listeners wrote in when we were asking them and they said the ASPCA was important to them. There's a link in the show notes. Please go and donate. If you do donate and you want to send a screenshot to us, we'll be happy to send you some TCB swag.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
We have nothing to do with the money exchange. Just go there, click the link. It'll take you directly to where you can donate. National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund and St. Jude, we're also focusing on. We'll throw a fourth one in there. Before it's all said and done, we'll throw a fourth one in there. So donate to one of those causes this Christmas and make some folks happy. Let's take a break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Some people getting away from the political pods they were listening to. Then November happened and we all got depressed and stopped listening to anything political. Yes. And some other people just enjoying the fact that they have a new episode of TCB every fucking day of the week. Ha ha ha! It was kind of weird to look in my Spotify and see an episode pop up on like a Sunday.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Okay, Christina in studio with us today. Merry Christmas, Christina.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes. Speaking of ASPCA. Oh, Myrtle. It's very sweet. Myrtle's very sweet. I now have Myrtle and Ruby, my two little ladies. Why Myrtle? Because of the street? Myrtle?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Speaking of dreams, one of the people that we love discussing over any season of the commercial break is Teresa Caputo. The absolute shit show that is Teresa Caputo and her, I guess, con artisting. I don't know any other way to put it. Teresa, you know her. You love her. It's a carnival trick. It's a parlor trick.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And especially what they call the cold readings, the live readings, where she will go into a group of people and then she will start to whittle those people down based on extraordinarily broad questions until someone connects with her on something, likely because they are willing and they believe in this type of stuff anyway. They want to believe. They want to believe.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And of course they want to believe. When you lose somebody or someone's close to you or they think you're on the other side, you would do anything to talk to them one more time, to have them around one more time, to think that they're with you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And if someone can put a voice to that, And a moment of desperation or vulnerability, then open the pocketbook because here Teresa comes. Now, Teresa has not done a ton of cold readings live on television. And I can understand why, because there's a big opportunity for failure here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes, that's right. So the deeper we get into the Teresa Caputo catalog, the harder it gets to find the cold readings. And let me explain why I like to do the cold readings more than the show. Because first of all, her team will copyright us immediately, even though we're not infringing upon our copyrights.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But second of all, because the cold readings are such a huge opportunity for failure that she does so few of them. Yeah. But one of the places she seems to show up quite a bit is this local television station, ABC 7 in Chicago. For some reason, she's done like four or five of these cold readings there in Chicago on the station. Maybe it's because she has a hard time selling tickets there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
No, Friday was our first episode. Yeah. No, no, no. Kristen Joy Holey.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Maybe it's because she sells a lot of tickets there. And that's what she likes to go on. Because I'm sure that just like the comedians... It's a promotion for the show. Yeah, she primes the local audience for this. She does have that weird television show where it's like a mix of slapstick comedy with people on the other side. The new show you mean?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I know she's driving around in an RV with her assistant, stopping for a hot dog and then choking because someone's choking her and that's her sign for a dick down the throat. I don't know. I'm not sure. You know, and hey, listen, let us be clear about this for anybody, because I know that we have listeners out there who actually like Teresa Caputo. It's okay to have differences. Totally cool.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, certainly the first Sunday we've ever published. On purpose. The first Sunday we've ever published. Yes, that's correct. I think way, way, way, way, way early on, I believe we were publishing on Mondays at first.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, I just don't think it manifests itself in this wig. That's not what I'm saying. In this high-headed, you know, high-haired, loud mouth of a woman who is clearly taking advantage of people in their moment of desperation. Yeah. So I want to do this. I found her on ABC7. You want to take a listen? Let's do it. Let's do it. Teresa Caputo on the 12 Days of TCB. Here we go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I never know when I'm going to fail and it's going to happen often. Notice, look at her point. She's scratching behind her ear. Chrissy and I have always suspected that that hair is not only terrible. Yeah, earpiece. It's hiding an earpiece so that she can talk to her production staff that is digging up dirt on the unsuspecting audience.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes, Christina. Crisscross applesauce. There I was in the middle of Kroger. Crisscross applesauce. And a lady pulled up to me with her little wagon, and she had ham in there. And I said, ham is the sign for a dead husband. So I said, do you have a dead husband? And she said, no. But I know she did.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's right. Some people do know. Have you ever heard of a dead husband? Have you ever read a book with a dead husband? Some people just don't want to believe it. That's okay. That's okay, Chrissy. Ha!
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It could be every person that has ever died. I mean, unless you know you're going, unless it's clear that that's, and you get an opportunity to say your goodbyes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And I think I accidentally released episodes on Sundays because I didn't know how to work it. I also accidentally released episodes unedited or poorly edited or... With all the bits and parts we should have edited out in. And so I've corrected all that. It just took me a couple years to get there. So anyway, thank you for all the kind words. We really appreciate it. 212-433-3TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Sure, absolutely. But let's assume that most of us are going to wake up tomorrow and have no idea that it's coming. That's just the nature of life. If you don't have any idea it's coming, how are you going to say goodbye to the people that you love? This is such a broad start. And I noticed, okay, just for those of you who are listening to this,
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She is sitting behind a table with two other Yakimos. And then she walked, all of a sudden she just gets up from the table and starts walking. She's feeling it, Chrissy. Now there are people, she's getting piggy fronted.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, they are numb and she's choking on her throat. She's getting piggy fronted.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Does anybody have a head? Have you ever seen a head? Have you seen a brain? Did you Google brain? Has anyone's husband departed in an audience of 100 people? Has anybody's husband departed? And it happens to be the lady right in front of her. That's amazing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I'm playing a little Pictionary in my head. Have you ever played the match game where you turn over the cards and you try and match the two? I'm matching the legs. Did he have a blue suit, a black suit? Did he ever wear pants? Has your husband had legs? Did your husband have legs?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Nothing says disabled of the legs like jumping up and down.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, hey, listen, in the afterlife, anything's possible, Chrissy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She said, did he die of a disease that took him a long time? He goes, no, it was sudden.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, when you're dealing with the spirits, when you're dealing with the spirits, you have to get many manicures.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, you don't even know, Chrissy. When I see someone ringing a bell, you know what that means? That means they did not have a chance to fuck before they died. That's it. They needed to take a good shit. It's like Elvis. Elvis died because he didn't get his bell rung. That's right. Did you know that? Okay, now remember, everybody, when I was talking before about the bullshit and the lying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
This is the part where I do that. Okay, just checking.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
In case you want to text us and let us know what you're doing this holiday season. The young lady who had the 21 EPM sticker brown out. Yes, yes. She contacted us. She did. She said, I heard your siren song on the commercial break, and I would like a new sticker. So we're going to send her a new sticker. If your 21 EPM sticker has browned out, let us know and we'll send you a new one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It's the Coachella of... Brains. Yes, Chrissy. Flying around. Oh, it's a Travis Scott concert.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
loved ones so that kind of gives them that so so she's a completely abandoned this woman that she was talking yeah because she saw that she wasn't going anywhere with the lady she got it wrong and this is how cold reading happens you do broad and then you move on yeah and if you can't get it you go backwards you go more broad so now she's back to the legs did anybody have any legs that one woman's like but what about me my husband did die and i want to talk yeah she's like wait um
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Can we go back to my dead husband? Do you mind? Would you mind talking to my dead husband? Meanwhile, Johnny on the spot here with the microphone. Look at him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But you just said you don't see anything. You just feel it. But now they're showing you the light switch. And by the way, why are you wearing the ruby red slippers from Wizard of Oz? Why is that happening?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's your mother, her last flatulence. Did you have to make some hard decisions about your mother's health care? I mean, this is, I knew it was you. I knew it was you. Who doesn't make tough decisions about a loved one's health care at the end?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
What happens is when spirit... Notice that every dead person is just happy that all the decisions were made correctly. Exactly. They want everyone relieved. If someone made a decision that ended up in my death, I don't care if I'm in the afterlife. I'm pissed off. I know. And I'm letting Teresa know. Let those shitheads know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, Teresa, you are. The thing that gets me every fucking time is even in an audience of 100 people, there are still two, four, six that desperately believe this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Desperately believe this. They want to believe. And these are the same people.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I don't fault them. Yeah. I don't fault them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I fault her. I fault her for knowing she's full of shit and continuing the scam, continuing the scam. She is literally, I mean, I don't know if she's selling out anything, but she is literally showing up to theaters where there's a thousand seats and getting 700 people in there to pay $49.95 to see her do this dance. And by the way, reviews are in.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And even though they keep it pretty tight, they don't allow filming of any kind, any audio. There are a few people who have taken videos inside of the room. Uh-huh.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
uh and it's pretty amazing how wrong she gets most of the stuff it this whole dance that she's doing right now at least on a few of the videos it it takes her sometimes 40 minutes to get onto something like she really stumbles around and she gets pissed at the crowd that's what happens you don't believe me i don't care if you believe me this is you know yeah it's just it's ugly the whole situation is ugly
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
No, that's what I was going to say. Eco reasons meaning economical reasons. Okay. We only paid a dollar for a sticker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I trusted you with my pocketbook and you took five dollars. I saw it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I can't listen to Christina and Chrissy at the same time talk. How is she listening to multiple spirits and communicating with another human being at the same time? Oh, it's so annoying.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Is that correct? Am I giving you any other option? Am I giving you a chance to speak? No. Yes and no. That's all she asks. Yes and no.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes. Environmental reasons is what Astrid has come up with to cover our tracks. So thank you, Astrid, for covering our tracks. How was your weekend? I mean, we're recording this now when we're getting back from the weekend. So how was your weekend?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Now he's piggy-fronted? He's stepping forward?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
He's saying keep the address book. You might need it for a rainy day. He's also saying stop stealing from your mother's pocketbook. He's also saying you made all the wrong decisions with me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Okay, that's a good time. Is that a good time for us to take a break, too? I love it. They're prompting us for our break, too. I like it. Okay, ASPCA, link in the show notes. Please donate to a good cause this Christmas. We've got a few of them, so check them out in the show notes. We certainly would appreciate it. We'll be back with more Teresa.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, you went to the Botanical Gardens? Yes. Oh, how exciting.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Now you wish there was an HR department, don't you?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes, that's correct. She was missing out on that. And so now she's coming back because she doesn't want to leave it open-ended because then people will be like, but what about that first woman she talked to?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Did he stub his toe? And don't lie to me because your husband's going to tell me the truth.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
They are just delicious. Thank you so much. As if we need another light-up thing in this house. But, yes, I've got mine.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So they make me feel these things. And she pointed toward her vagina.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes. She just told you that. She just told you that. Mm-hmm.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Why are all the ghosts are thanking everybody? I'm being serious. There's not an angry ghost in all the land. No, not at all. I guarantee if I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory where I'm flying in and out of Teresa's hair, I'm going to be pissed. Like, is this really the bitch who I've got? Is there somebody else out there?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I know. And rather than just rinse and repeat all of the three Christmas-related things that I have, I decided, let me just dress regularly, and then I'll put on a hat or something like that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah. The 12 Days of TCB wasn't well thought out in the wardrobe department. No. And barely thought out in the content department.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah. Teresa's been known to do this. She's very racist, I think, if you ask me. But, you know. I guess that's an opinion that's never been proven in court.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Do you know someone that would refer to as a noun?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
We're getting there. Kristen and Jeff called me. I got in kind of a tizzy. So my twin brother came over to spend the night on Friday.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Perfect. Thank you. Congratulations on the death. Yes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She just shook her head. She said, no, that didn't happen.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Do you, next to her, do you understand that? How about two rows up and to the left? Do you understand that? Is there anybody who understands that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Was there anything that I've said previously that you might have understood?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, I know. That's a pretty broad statement.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, really. Wow. I don't like to be looked at.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Because his fiance, his new fiance kicked him out of his own house. Yes, because that's what you do when you're newly engaged. You say, fuck you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I think she's trying to. She sees that Teresa's embarrassing herself, and she's trying to be nice.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
They're like, this is so creepy. There's the two ladies that are hosting this local morning show, and they are showing a shot of the two ladies who have, by the way, since the beginning, looked pretty skeptical about what's going on when they're showing shots of her. Right now, the look in this woman's face says all you need to know. Like, we should cut this short.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I think this might go on for another minute. Hold on. Let's see.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
This is why A&E continues to give me $750,000 a year to make my show. That's the thing that pisses me off the most, too, is that... And listen, there are so many television shows we can say the same about in different categories and different circumstances. We were just talking about this before we came on air.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
There's the fetishization of all different kinds of things in reality TV show from dating moms to, you know, people who are overweight too. But this is the worst kind is that there's people at A&E or Lifetime or whatever. They must know that this is just a bunch of parlor tricks here. But yet they put them on TV and edited in a way to make it look like Teresa hits a home run 100% of the time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It didn't even take two weeks. I think it was a week and a half. And Kevin's already out on the street. But if you were engaged to Kevin, then you'd probably kick him out too. So Carrie Ann has this like girls party that she does every year. And so she did it at Kevin's house this year. Well, he has a townhouse. So I think there's a little more room to spread your wings.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, because she's just trying to, she wants them to buy in. Yeah, she wants them to buy in. And that's also why Teresa does not leave a lot of room for conversation. No, she has to keep talking. Yeah, she needs to drive the narrative because the second that she lets someone else do that, she's in la-la land and it doesn't work.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She's still trying to convince someone that a fall has made their loved one die. This is the worst part of Teresa's ignorance of her absolute ego driven ignorance is that she makes people think something that isn't true. She just rewrote this lady's story about her husband's death. And she does this all the time. As long as she gets the win, everybody else takes the loss.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Now this lady, poor lady, if she believes in this, is going to go home and think that for some reason, a fall three years before her husband's death had something to do with his death. And if she had just realized that the fall, you know, I don't know, caused an aneurysm or whatever, then everything would be okay. But at least Teresa looks good on local Chicago morning news. The Windy City. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Of course, Chrissy. You don't know how this works. You've never had that heavy sensation on your breath? That gagging back in your throat?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
The piggy fronting right on the back of your head? Yeah. It's kind of like if, you know, when you're sleeping and Jeff sticks his morning wood into the back of your, you know?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She says the same thing to every single person. She just uses different words.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Your casual, absolutely obvious racism is insulting and disgusting, Teresa. You are a hot racist. Oh, man. She's a terrible human being. She's a terrible human being. Do you agree with me, Christina? Are you picking up on this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And there's two things that are really funny about this. And then I'll get to you. Number one, Kevin comes over and he is, seems like he's way in the holiday spirit. And I'm like, what he, what happened? You know, he said, listen, when the girls got there, I just decided to stay for a few. Of course, I had to have a few drinks with her friends.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, she's short of saying did they get shot by a gang member. You know what I'm saying? It's like she's just so fucking obviously racist.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She's like, no, not every black person has a shaved head with a design. And by the way, it's the white people who make that look terrible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, Teresa, you are horrible. Cancel her immediately. Get her off television.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
He's like, yes, you do. You're a racist white lady with money.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Now she's getting angry with this guy because this guy refused to say that he has money. dead people in his life that have clearly stereotyped haircuts.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Grandmother, uncle, aunt, brother, sister, mom.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Excuse me, Chrissy, I'm going through the Rolodex.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I wish she was here. I wish she would come on this show. I wish she would come on this show. If anybody knows Teresa Caputo makes this happen, I swear I will make a sticker every other day that doesn't brown out, and I will put it on your refrigerator, personally.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And I said, oh, so you're, you know, he got lubed up a little bit. But then the his the favorite sport over the night became look at the ring camera and see who's drunk.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It's because dumb shits like you keep on bringing it up so that you can make an extra buck on the next ticket sale or television show or shitty merch that you sell, Teresa. Swear. Now I'm getting angry because I feel like now she's just... It's clear, after having done this long enough with Teresa, that she is so overtly racist. She's a scam artist and a fucking... Prejudiced human being. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And she wants us to believe that she's carrying the weight of the world. You are not carrying the weight of the world. You are white. You are racist. And you are privileged. And you are making money on the backs of people who are vulnerable in shitty situations. And you're taking advantage of them by using words to confuse them about what really happened to their loved ones. Fuck you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
What is happening? I don't know. Why did she... Oh, they're lowering... Oh, they're lowering her mic because the other ladies are trying to do a television show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
The other ladies are actually doing a television show. This isn't the Teresa show. No.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, okay. I think it's replaying itself. Yeah, I mean, listen, what else is there to say about Teresa Caputo? She is the world's worst human being. That's all I got to say. No mas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes, we were watching the ring doorbell cam to watch the ladies come in and out of the party as they were exiting for the night. And it was high entertainment. I bet it was. And this is a sport I haven't gotten into yet.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Every time. It starts off as shits and giggles and then Brian gets all worked up because Teresa's terrible. She's a terrible. Fuck you. I hope this goes viral. Not for me, but for her. I hope this goes viral because we have shed light on this in the past, but I don't think that it's been quite so obvious as it was today.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
that Teresa Caputo not only is lying to people, scamming people out of money, and doing a parlor trick, but then she's overtly racist about it, which is just terrible. It's just terrible. And that fucking accent, that goddamn hair. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Oh. She's never had her bell rung before.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, yeah. Well, she did piggy fronting all the time. Who doesn't love a good piggy fronting every once in a while?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
As does a colonic, too, just to let you know. Tell Jeff... Anytime he needs his bell rung, I'll come over there. I'll let him know. I'll check for smooth texture.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Hard points. Listen, us guys, we got to stick together, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It's not a sexual thing. It's not mainly a sexual thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It's a health thing, and then it's a sexual thing. Well, we can do both, Chrissy. Tell Jeff we can do both.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, if we only could. If they had like a little monitor on your finger and you could just go in there, wipe the windshield, and it says your bell's been rung. You're good. You're 100% less likely to get prostate cancer. Check your balls, guys. Make sure you get that prostate check. That's all I got to say. That is an important message.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And 21 EPMs will reduce your chances of cancer by an estimated 38%. 21 EPMs a month. Are you keeping up? Don't answer that question. You should be keeping up. Astrid gets angry about the sexualized text messages, so don't do that. All right, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, we are taking them all right there at that phone number.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
TCBpodcast.com, all the audio and the video. YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break for every episode of The Commercial Break moving forward on YouTube and Spotify a couple of days after it comes out on Spotify. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. Hi, thanks. But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But this made me think of you because I want access to your ring doorbell camera because I know that's probably the best ring doorbell available anywhere in the city of Atlanta is Chrissy and Jeff. I will bet you at least twice a year Chrissy and or Jeff are caught on ring doorbell sans clothing. I will bet you at least twice a year that happens.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
quadruple fitster have no family to celebrate Christmas with this year the commercial break is live the entire holiday season to make you even more miserable than you currently are so put your Christmas pajamas on gather around the Christmas tree and listen to brand new episodes of the commercial break
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
You guys do some midnight gardening in the buff. Well, in the summer, you know, hey, listen, we live in Atlanta. You can be excused for, you know, going sans clothing in the summer. So it's like 1030 at night and I can see that my phone is ringing, but I'm laying with one of the kids trying to put them to bed. And it's Jeff, also known as Jeff Hoadley in my phone. Jeff doesn't have a last name.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
He's just Jeff Hoadley. And so I was like, wow, Jeff's calling. Something must be happening with Chrissy. He must be trying to get... I thought he was out of town. So I was like, oh, he must be trying to get a hold of Chrissy. Yeah. Or there's some emergency.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
trimming her tree with her trim she's got it's a trim trim it's a trim trimming uh so i i immediately text back i can't answer because i'm with i don't want to wake my even if there is an emergency i don't want to wake my kids up so fuck chrissy i got to keep the kids asleep but i'm like hey jeff what's going on is everything okay is there an emergency
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And he says, oh, yeah, man, I'm just sitting here with Chrissy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, I texted both of you. I texted both of you because I needed the 411 immediately. There was a drama drop coming and I needed to know. You know what I'm saying? I thought this might be the night when I have to wake everybody up and say, I've got to go down to Atlanta because Chrissy's in trouble. But it wasn't that night. It was just Jeff wondering if I had ever had my bell rung by a doctor.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
You don't call me after seven o'clock at night for any reason.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I confirm that you do get your bell rung by the doctor. Now, the prostate check is very infrequent now. They usually do not do that because they have found that rubbing your finger over the prostate just causes unnecessary erections.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, I thought that Jeff was talking about sticking the finger in the rear. Yes, he was. Oh, I thought it was the grabbing the balls and coughing. It was both. Oh, yeah, there's two separate molestations that go on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, listen, I mean, you can hardly blame a doctor. Listen, it's boring in a doctor's office. I got a cold. I got the sniffles. I got snot. My back hurts. Every once in a while, they get a young, strong, strapping lad in there. And, you know, slaying their bells is the best thing that they, you know, it's a little break from the monotony. So you can hardly blame them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's like, you know, old-fashioned pedoing. When, you know, you're just a little ball tingling. Never hurt anybody. Under the guise of a medical professor.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of the
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It is absolutely incorrect. And it only took them 300 years to realize.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Since when do they start sticking their fingers in women's anuses? There's no prostate back there. I have never had that. No, no, no, no, no. When I was 30 years old, I got my first bell ringing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It does ring like a bell. It is a weird sensation that some people find quite pleasurable, right? I do not. It felt very uncomfortable to me. And as a matter of fact, at times, my doctor had to tell me to relax. The last time I had this done.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Warm lube. Warm lube if they're being gentle. Yeah, if you're friends, they'll do warm lube. There's a glove that goes on. And it is maybe 20 seconds whole operation.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But it feels like three minutes, right? It feels like a long time. And the last time that I had this done.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah. The last time I had this done was at the urologist because I have a family history of prostate cancer. So it was important and early prostate cancer. So it was important for me. This is why 21 EPM sticker even exists. Yeah. It was important for me to make sure that I was getting checked frequently as a young man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And so I have a urologist, and I went to him for the first time, and he said, well, listen, this is not like a predeterminative test, but by feeling the nature of your prostate, by feeling whether or not it's hard or soft.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, hard or soft, and then they rub it to make sure it's smooth, right? So they take their finger and they do a little window washing, so to speak. They go up there, they wash the windows. The quadruple fist there. That's right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And so the last time that I had this done, the doctor took his finger out and he goes, was it tight because you're not relaxed or is it tight? Is that normally how it is? And I was like, what are you talking about? Did you expect it to be loose? Did you want it to be loose, doctor? He asked me that question and I said, I think I'm just a little nervous. When they touch your prostate like that,
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Let me go back one second. When I'm 25, 26 years old, I get invited to basically the Breath of Fire Kundalini cult. Oh, that's right. And in the Kundalini cult, I'm in the tantric sex yoga shop, the level one that they talk about inside of this documentary on HBO. I actually went to like an offshoot of this. Uh-huh.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And as an offshoot of that offshoot, they say at the beginning, they say, listen, if anybody wants to stay for the live prostate massage. The live prostate massage retreat, it'll happen directly. The retreat. There's a retreat. And if you can find a partner, then you can also follow along with, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So you can imagine, first of all, the sights, smells, and sounds that were going on at the prostate.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That was a bridge too far, Chrissy. A bridge too far.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
No, I was done. The Kundalini yoga was enough. It was a tantric... And there was no... I guess maybe some people might imagine a tantric yoga workshop would be all about sex. And there is talk of sex, but there is no sex. At least not in the beginning. The level one. Level two, they go for it. So...
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So what I heard from the more, I guess, prostate enthusiasts in the room was that by ringing the bell, you can ring the bell and the outcome can be explosive, if you know what I mean, right? There can really be... a release that goes on there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Finger in the butt. Yeah, that's the bell ringing. No, let's call that the jingle bells. There's the jingle bells and then the bell ringing. The jingle bells is grab your nuts and cough, turn your head and cough, and then the finger in the butt is the bell ringing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Both important parts of men's health, by the way, at least until recently when they stopped ringing your bell because they figured out that it was just old-fashioned pedoing. Yes, I do. All right. So this happens when I'm 25, 26 years old. And then I know of the prostate massage community and what goes on in there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And then when I get my first bell ringing, I was so nervous that I was going to jizz all over the doctor's office. Oh, my God. Starting to clamp up.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I didn't know. Well, apparently, sometimes that happens. Apparently, sometimes you just go in and it goes out, right? You're there in, you're out, everyone's happy. I guess. I don't know. And so, I'd like to ask Doc Scott about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I think he was at the retreat. I'm sure. I swear to God. I'm sure. So, ever since then, it's not the most pleasurable thing in the world to me, but it has been done less frequently as the years have gone on because doctors say... We have now decided that this is not a great way to determine whether or not you have prostate. There's more advanced ways.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, you just take some blood and they can tell it in your cells. But don't let that stop them from a good time. Let's torture Brian with a bell ringing. Now, there's the other thing that he's talking about, which is the jingle bells. The jingle bells.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
The coffin balls. Now, this is really important, and men should do this frequently, is you should examine your own testicles for lumps, bumps, or otherwise weird things that are going on. This is super important, and you have your partner do it, whatever. You guys make a play date out of it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I mean, I guess it's not great if you actually do discover a lump, then it kind of kills the mood, but... You can start off that way, right? Yes. So the doctor coughs. You can grab someone's jingle bells and you can hold them. And then when they cough, it can determine whether or not the prostate is working effectively as the balls go up or down.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's what I understand because I'm not a doctor, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. And then they may squish them around a little bit just to feel what's going on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I went to a doctor, I was just telling you this, I went to a doctor one time, I was having terrible back pain and it started, I didn't know this at the time, but that terrible back pain, I was also then having terrible testicular pain in one of my nuts, in my left nut. So I was like, oh shit, do I have something very serious? Do I have cancer?
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Putt Putt Rawr
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Putt Putt Rawr
It doesn't matter who you are. Yes, of course, to some degree, to all degrees. I can promise you, when I am not here, looking like a stud, high fade, Done to the nines. I am literally in my pajama pants farting and eating cereal and cream, yelling at my children, kicking my dog around the house, dating high schoolers.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Now, this is a difficult endeavor to go out there and to put yourself out there and to create in any way, shape, or form. And when you create for a long time, you know, yeah, maybe you find some, like... Maybe you find something organically that works. Maybe you become more natural to your own creative style. You have to find that. It only happens over time.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I don't fault Bobbi for doing her thing, right? I don't find that particular shtick interesting. It's not interesting to me, but I think it's a little mean-spirited to go stomp on her grave because she's no longer getting the views when Bobby was just trying to create like the rest of us. That's my personal opinion. Now, you want to get me on the Hawk Tua girl, that's a different story altogether.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I will dance on the Hawk Tua grave because that was a shitty thing that she did. That was super shitty. And Hawk Tua is nowhere to be found. Did you hear about, I told you about Hawk Tua?
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Putt Putt Rawr
Of course she did. Yeah, she seems pretty innocent. And she had no fucking clue what she was doing. Yeah. But that, in and of itself, listen, this girl got management three days after that video went viral. Somebody on that management team, a father, a friend, a somebody should have said, slow your roll, girl. You want to make money.
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Putt Putt Rawr
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Putt Putt Rawr
And you should be making money if everybody else is making money on this Haktua thing. But you got to slow down a little bit and not get yourself involved in every, you know, Dick Harry come lately's fucking bullshit. And for that, she has to take a little responsibility.
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Putt Putt Rawr
To be fair to Haktua, she did put out a like an Instagram post that said anybody that's been affected by the TuaCoin disaster, please contact the TuaCoin disaster. The great Tuacoin disaster of 2024. Anybody who bought into Tuacoin, you also got to take some personal responsibility. Yes, you do. You bought Tuacoin. Tuacoin! It's a coin based on a girl who said, it started a podcast.
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Putt Putt Rawr
It wasn't particularly great. But anyway, I will say, I will give Hawk, whatever her name is, Haley, I will give Haley a little bit of credit because at least it seems like she's trying to figure out how she undoes this clusterfuck. But I got to be honest. I mean, I think there's big trouble around the corner for her. I noticed she hasn't put out a podcast episode since that all happened.
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Putt Putt Rawr
That's a disaster. Yeah, that's... Well, the only other thing that's on her Instagram besides this apology letter is a video of her like at a private island in the Caribbean on a boat sailing around the ocean blue seas.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, that's a little tone deaf. Like, you know, let's... Let's be real about it. If you get into something like that and everyone's blaming you for spending their life savings in a terrible way, you probably shouldn't be on a private. You probably shouldn't be publicizing that you're on a private island. That's just bad.
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Putt Putt Rawr
or more and get your products delivered right to your door visit dollar shave club.com slash tcb and use the code tcb for 20 off 20 or more and remember whatever you shave welcome to the club thanks to dollar shave club for being a sponsor of the commercial break i did try to jog once but it makes the wine just jump right out of your glass
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Putt Putt Rawr
Chrissy, there's like one dude. One dude was like, I lost $450,000 in HuaCoin. And I'm like, who gave you $450,000 in the first place? And how did you lose it on HuaCoin? What did you think HuaCoin was going to do? Did you really think there were that many people interested in this young lady's longevity or success that they would keep HuaCoin afloat?
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Putt Putt Rawr
And by the way, had you been in on it, you would have understood like kind of the economics of it. Like now it's easy for me to say this because I'm just looking at videos pointing it out.
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Putt Putt Rawr
But if you did a little bit of homework about this meme coin, only 90% of the supply was controlled by like 10 different wallets, which means that 10 people, 10 wallets controlled the price of the coin. They could sell and just wipe everybody else out. And that's exactly what they did. So, okay. Anyway. Who A Coin, Bobby Atloff, Gustavo, and what else did I talk about? A little bit of everything.
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Putt Putt Rawr
A little bit of everything. Johnson City, Tennessee. Johnson City, Tennessee. All right. We'll take a break and we'll talk about Great Wolf. I'll get back to Great Wolf Lodge. We'll be back.
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Putt Putt Rawr
This episode is sponsored in part by ShipStation. Well, if you've been listening to the commercial break over the holidays, then you know that Chrissy, Christina, and I have been hard at work knocking out 25 episodes in one single month. So we understand just how chaotic a business can be.
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Putt Putt Rawr
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Putt Putt Rawr
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Putt Putt Rawr
One of the best television shows of this decade is Severance on Apple TV. And I have been patiently waiting like everyone else for season two. Well, the wait is over. Our cup fill is over because on January 17th, Severance season two will be released. This genre-defying television show will blow your mind. It's hard to describe even one minute of it in the short amount of time that I have.
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Putt Putt Rawr
So I'll tell you this. If you're a fan of dark comedy, sci-fi, romance, drama, dramedy, well-acted, well-written television shows, and or having your mind blown, this is the television show for you, my friend. And now, The Severance Podcast with Adam Scott and Ben Stiller is available for...
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Putt Putt Rawr
free on the Odyssey app or wherever you listen to your podcasts, and they are re-watching with us season number one every weekday until season number two is released, where they will then re-watch season two with us.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And they are going to give us an in-depth episode analysis with behind-the-scenes stories, fan questions, and guests from the show, like creator Dan Erickson, as well as John Trattoro and Britt Lauer. Plus, celebrity super fans like Jon Stewart, Kristen Bell, and Dax Shepard are going to stop by. This podcast is going to be another excuse to spend more time thinking about severance.
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Putt Putt Rawr
If you're not watching this television show, run to Apple TV, watch season one, listen to the companion podcast, and then you too can have clammy hands waiting for season number two to release. It's available now, free on the Odyssey app, or wherever you listen to your podcasts. This episode is sponsored in part by Groons. All right, let's talk about a better way to take care of your health.
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Putt Putt Rawr
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Putt Putt Rawr
Two for the ropes course. Great. I see you have the blue wristband. That means it's only $29.99 per minute for you to do the ropes course. And I'm like, I have the rawr pack. I'm roaring. I'm supposed to have the rawr here. And he's like, you just get a fucking discount. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. And he's like, well, the activities that are included are putt-putt. And putt-putt.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Hey, your immune system's going to thank you, and now you can get up to 45% off when you use the code TCB. That's 45% off when you use that code TCB on Groons Vitamins, and thank you to Groons for being a sponsor of The Commercial Break. All right, last you left me, I was somewhere in the Great Wolf Lodge, stuck in the middle of a piss-soaked lazy river.
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Putt Putt Rawr
With my young children somewhere south of Atlanta. For those of you who didn't catch the first episode, you might want to go listen to that, and it'll catch you up on what's going on. So after about, Chrissy, we're in this freezing cold pool. Oh, that's right. The wave pool. Yeah, the wave pool.
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Putt Putt Rawr
The wave pool. Of course. Of course. Of course. They had never seen a wave pool. I mean, you know, they're very young. Of course, they've never seen a wave pool. The waves weren't particularly large. Listen, under circumstances like this, there's no one else in the wave pool. I saw it personally get cleaned. There was a lot of bleach poured into the pool. I would have felt great.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And it was actually 87 degrees as advertised. But that was not at all. It was barely 80 degrees, if that, maybe 78, 77 degrees. I'm just taking a random guess. The things that I saw in there, it would have been like... I don't know, going to Dunkin' Donuts, watching some lady lick all the donuts, and then having to buy one. Do you know what I'm saying?
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Putt Putt Rawr
And then having to buy one because your children were hungry. This is how I felt about walking into the Great Wolf Lodge wave pool. Someone licked the donuts, but my kids are hungry, and so I'm going to have to buy them, and I'm going to have to put it in my mouth. And I'm sorry, no matter who you are, no matter how tall you are, you could be Gustavo.
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Putt Putt Rawr
and he was there with us, by the way, you're going to get that water in your mouth. It's coming in your mouth.
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Putt Putt Rawr
It's waving right in because your small children are flailing around as the waves are smacking. I mean, my kids were getting hit so hard by these rather small waves, three feet tall. But my kids, some of them are only three feet tall. And so it was just, bam, they didn't know what to do. And so they're just getting pushed and pushed further and hitting their heads on the cement. And
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Putt Putt Rawr
knocking into everybody else and then there's like adults who can't seem to control themselves in a child's wave pool do you know what i'm saying like it's their first time at the wave pool like lick the donuts be damned i need another bear crawler you know like they need another fucking bear claw in my mouth these adults they're fucking ridiculous to me can you not control yourself for two seconds there are small children around that you're acting the fool though by the way at the great wolf lodge
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Putt Putt Rawr
I've said this, and I'll say it again. It appears that everyone there is very nice and well-trained. But there was one, count them, one lifeguard guarding this wave pool. Now, it wasn't very big, so maybe they have determined that that's enough, and I'll take that on face value. But when I go to Six Flags Whitewater, there's like 30 lifeguards around that wave pool.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And putt-putt. And I'm like, I don't want to play putt-putt. Putt-putt's everywhere. No one likes putt-putt.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Now, Six Flags Whitewater has a bigger wave pool, bigger waves, and much more rowdy children. That's huge. Yeah, it's a huge, it's like, isn't that one of the largest water parks in the country or something?
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Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, it is huge. And they have big waves that come there. So that I can understand. And it gets deep. I think it's like 10 feet deep at one end. This is only five feet deep at max. But that one lifeguard, here's a weird thing that lifeguards are doing. Let me stop for a second. Here's a weird thing I've noticed all lifeguards are doing now.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Remember, do you remember telling me, me telling you the story about how we went to that Margaritaville?
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Putt Putt Rawr
And the lifeguards were doing like one lifeguard was like moving their head back and forth with their hand. And I thought maybe there was they had a touch of autism or something because that's all they were doing for like 30 minutes. And then somebody else would come in. I've noticed that all lifeguards are now doing this. Why?
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Putt Putt Rawr
It's a technique, I guess, to make sure that they are paying attention and scanning.
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Putt Putt Rawr
But they're actually moving their heads back and forth with their hands. It's a little weird. I don't know. Maybe somebody who has a kid that's a lifeguard or has been a lifeguard or is a lifeguard can write in.
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Putt Putt Rawr
She's a different kind of lifeguard. She's the kind of lifeguard that you pay $10. Actually, it was her friend that came and was a lifeguard for the pool party. Yeah, she did not do that. But she was very attentive. She stood up and was watching the pool. I think I paid her way too much money to do nothing, to be honest with you. There were a bunch of parents in the pool, but whatever.
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Putt Putt Rawr
You know, and making some hand gesture, basically like, you know, stop fooling around. And every time the whistle blew and I looked over, they were not calling attention to children. They were calling attention to the adults who had been sitting at the bar over there getting fucking sloshed with their yard Bloody Marys or whatever it is. Let's settle down, guys. Come on. You're in.
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Putt Putt Rawr
This is generally for children. I understand adults can have fun there, too.
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Putt Putt Rawr
One of the adults had a child like I'm going to guess 10 or 11 years old. They were down in the deep end. And every time a wave came, they were throwing them up in the air. Right. To hit the wave. Which is like, okay, maybe you and your kid have this understanding that that's a fun game, but the pool is crowded. He could land on other people. He could land the wrong way.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Like the lifeguard is doing the right thing. You don't throw children at the wave when it's coming their way, right? That's like some form of child abuse. Another example, there's a rope at the end so you don't get sucked into the wave making machine. There's a full grown ass man, hairy back and all with his, you know, oversized board shorts hanging half off his ass.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And he's hanging on to the rope as the waves come by. And this lady had to blow the whistle 50 times. And this guy's, you know, doing the ways like this. And she's looking right at her and she's going like this. Stop. Stop.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, he's just hanging on for dear life. And I thought to myself, really? Really? Did someone not give you a kiss as a child? Because this is like, this is terrible. You're terrible. Stop it. Stop it. So, okay, so all of this is going on, and the wave pool eventually gets too cold. We jump on the lazy river so that we can go. Astrid has now gotten some food with Allie.
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Putt Putt Rawr
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Putt Putt Rawr
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for listening. We'll get back to Great Wolf Lodge just here in a short, hot second. But I picked up the studio phone and I want to make it a habit of checking in more often with our listeners and like talking about them on air because they really are a great group of people.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I think I told you that the towels were stolen. So here we are, stuck in these two chairs, not the kind of chairs that sit up above the ground, the kind that sit way down at the bottom.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Yes. In a sloped angle cement floor that is going down into the kiddie pool, which is a splash park, which means they have lots of things where you press the button and it sprays water or it dumps water everywhere. The only seats that we could get were actually like halfway in to the splash pool.
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Putt Putt Rawr
So here we are, cheeseburgers and all, and there are little shits running around spraying us with, you know, just spraying water in your general direction. So I'm eating a soggy, sloppy hamburger that's been pissed on by a Dunkin' Donuts-filled child. It was ick all over. But my kids are loving it. They are loving it.
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Putt Putt Rawr
So even though some of my kids are a little bit older, and this little splash park here is probably meant for three and under kids, I've got kids that are double that age, but they can still go in there and they can still play. So this little splash park. So now we're done eating. Our stomach's full.
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Putt Putt Rawr
The best thing to do, the best time to go swimming is right after you've had food, according to all medical experts. So now my kids' stomachs are full, and what are we going to do? We're going to go in the kiddie splash park where they have four little slides. You walk up to the top. There are four slides pouring down water like little waterfalls, and you just go down.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Those slides, they're not even 10 feet long. They're tiny little slides. There's no tunnel. There's nothing. It's just a slide down into the pool, slide down into the pool, slide down into the pool. There's another lifeguard over there. There's more. Grown-ass adults. That are riding these 10 slides. What? You know, literally landing on small children as they splash down.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Pulling up their pants and being like, that was awesome to get that one on the Instagram. I can put that one on my Instagrams and TikToks and my Facebooks. I just wanted to kill some of these people because, guys, this is... There's no human being on earth that would look at this pool and say, this is made for me as an adult.
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Putt Putt Rawr
This is made for a 380 pound, you know, 42 year old man in board shorts and a T-shirt. You know what I'm saying?
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Putt Putt Rawr
But this couple of guys, these couple of guys, they took it upon themselves, wearing their hats and all, that they needed to slide down these slides more than the children did. As at one time, my son was up there, and one of these guys came. My son was, like, trying to position himself on the thing, and one of these guys came and just got around him and slid down. What? Yes.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And then he splashes into the water like a three-year-old gets up, you know, hats all disheveled, and he's like, woo! Like that. And I thought to myself... Yeah. One of two things here. One of two things. Either you are challenged in some kind of way. And in that case, I give you a pass because, you know, there you go. And number two, you are in desperate need of a blowjob.
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Putt Putt Rawr
We don't get too much hate, at least not here on the text message line. That is saved for the reviews where everybody can see them.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Do you know what I'm saying? You are in desperate need of some sexual affection to mature your ass a little bit because this is terrible. Like you are just acting like a terrible human being.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I didn't. No. Well, what am I going to do? I'm going to get into a, you know, then I'm going to be the guy on Instagram. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. His wife was already videotaping him. Had a phone, was videotaping him going down the slide. So I can only imagine he's one of these guys that I'm really jealous of because they have 58,000 followers on Instagram and we have three.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Not thousand, three followers on Instagram. This is one of those cases, you know, I travel Instagram a lot and I wonder exactly how people get these many followers. This is how.
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Putt Putt Rawr
The kiddie pool at Great Wolf Lodge. And by the way, there's a whole niche out there on Instagram. Great Wolf Lodge.
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Putt Putt Rawr
If you want to see what it's really like, you feel free to hashtag Great Wolf Lodge because you will see everything that I'm talking about and probably more. It is a thing because there are many of them throughout the country. So after we get done with that and we go on the big water slide a couple of times, it was like a couple of big water slides. Yeah.
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Putt Putt Rawr
My kids can't get on all of them because some of them require you to be a certain height. And a few of my children are not that height. And so I didn't want to leave them alone. My wife had already decided she had. Astrid was already done with this. By the way, Astrid was done with it as soon as we got started with it.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Our good friend Brandon hitting us up from Knoxville, Bristol, Johnson City area. That is called the Tri-Cities in East Tennessee. I do love Johnson City. Johnson City is a beautiful little town up there in East... Have you ever been to Johnson City?
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Putt Putt Rawr
This is one of those things where I knew going in. likely I was going to end up being the sole survivor here at the Astrid. She's too much of a germphobe to be in there. And it was her idea, by the way, to go to this place. But we were there and the baby was getting cold and I knew exactly what was going to happen. And that's okay. So I took the kids on the big rides that they could go on.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And by the way, those slides, perfectly fun. They really were. They were fun. They were fast. They were long. You know, all the things you would want in the bed or at a Great Wolf Lodge indoor water park. There you go. But after we did this a couple of times, everybody was starting to shiver. And I made the adult call.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I was going to be one of the few adults at the Great Wolf Lodge to say, hey, listen. I know the wave pool is lovely and now filled with tomatoes and American-sized cheese from the cheeseburgers that people are eating inside of the pool, but let's go get dried off, and then we can find something to do. Yeah, because there are other things to do there.
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Putt Putt Rawr
A mini bowling alley. Have you seen these? They're like all electronically controlled. So you go in, you have a reservation, you go in, you type in your name. And the lane is half the length, half the width, and the ball is much smaller. And so are the pins. So you can just basically throw it down. If you're a grown person, you can just like throw overhand it down.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
You just like baseball pitch it down there. But the kids have fun because they can actually pick up the ball and roll it down there.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And there's no gutters. So it's all just, it's bumper ball essentially is what it is. And they have 10 of those. They have a big rock climbing wall. They have a ropes course. They have aforementioned restaurants, a huge arcade, also known as a money pit for adults, for people with children. So we go upstairs and to our room, which is strategically located as the last room in the entire building.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
So from one side of Great Wolf Lodge to the other side of Great Wolf Lodge, I would say it's probably about 16 miles. So you have to walk 16 miles in your wet bathing suit and T-shirt. I put on a T-shirt and I wrapped a towel around myself. I put my shoes on because that's what adults do after they get out of a pool. Most adults didn't do that.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
So now I want you to imagine riding up in an elevator to the fourth floor, not particularly fast elevator, riding up in the elevator in the fourth floor with various size, shapes, colors and others of people who are in various states of undress.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
one guy one guy he had a family with him right and he was short and he was stout he was just he looked like i don't even know how to explain it he was short he was stout you know put a teacup and pour him out i don't know he looked like a teapot that's all i can describe it they had gotten a pizza from downstairs but he couldn't wait the elevator ride to eat the pizza so he would literally had the box in his hand and he was like oh my god without a shirt on or shoes oh
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Where do we find these people? They're living amongst us. They're all living amongst us.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
They're your friends. They're the people you're passing on the highway. These are the people in your neighborhood. And they're all fucked up. Go and figure that out.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, did I? You know that Raphael, my best friend, his cousin owns a string of restaurants, liquor stores, bars down there. That guy is fucking killing it. Houses, rental houses, taxi cabs.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Chrissy, if you go to Great Wolf Lodge, there's a lot of people in the world and a lot of them aren't well. And a lot of them showed up at Great Wolf Lodge after the new year. I can imagine. It took us an hour to get back to our room. I swear to God it did. Now I have tired, cold, exhausted children. But the day's not over yet. It's only like 3.30 p.m. And I can't put my kids to bed at 3.30 p.m.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
As much as I want to. I've learned over time that putting your kids to bed at 3.30 p.m. means they're going to wake up at 3.30 a.m. and not want to go back to sleep. So we got upstairs. Everybody gets dried off. I tell the kids, I'd say, I want you to go straight into the room. The shower. The shower. Go to the shower.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I don't want to. No, no, no. You're not going back downstairs unless you take a shower. One of my kids who's really smart and very contextual was like, it doesn't make much sense why we have to get into the shower after we've been in the pool. I said, would you want to take a shower if you had just peed on your own leg? Yes. I said, that's why we're taking a shower after we got out of the pool.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And it was more than our leg. Get in the fucking shower. God damn it. And you better don't use that soap in that container that people are probably jizzing in. Use the soap that mommy brought. We are such germphobes, by the way. Oh, I bring my own soap, too. Don't allow for baths anymore because who knows what's going on in those bathtubs. This is the Great Wolf Lodge.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
This ain't the Ritz fucking Carlton. Do you know what I'm saying? And listen, I don't want to sound elitist. I'm not. I'm germaphobic. There's a big difference. I don't mind.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I know. Because it does take a lot for me to get over, both Astrid and I, to get over the fact that Listen, we know from raising our own children just how disgusting they are. And they are disgusting. Children are disgusting. They're snot-filled throw-up shit rags. That's what they are. And they run around doing all of these things at all times. I will share this story.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
My youngest over the weekend. now we put her in the shower, you know, and I let her go for, yeah, I just let her sit. It's a way to wait, kill 15, 20 minutes, put in the shower. She loves it. We give her a couple of toys. She plays, she sings, she dances. She pretends like she's washing herself off. You know, it's a whole thing. I was in the room, whatever I was doing, talking on the phone.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Sex workers. I mean, that guy's into everything over there. He is really, like, he's just into everything. Man.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I can hear daddy, daddy, daddy, poopoo, daddy, poopoo. I turned the corner. Daddy poopoo was right. She's just there doing her thing. And she's like, uh-oh, daddy, poo-poo. Have you ever seen, remember E.T.? Where they put the big cover over the house? Yes, that's what I did with my shower. I hazmatted it. I went and got Drano. I got liquid pipe cleaner. We soaked the floor in bleach.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
We took towels. We threw them out. We did the whole thing. Because I understand that that's how the kids get sick, and it's a never-ending cycle once they do, and we're trying to protect us and them. I mean, getting sick is part of building defenses, but we don't need to be sick every single week of the winter. So when we go to Great Wolf Lodge, imagine this. That was a big chance. Yes, of course.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
It's a norovirus peach tree dish is what it is in the middle of winter.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And there's no guarantees that the poor people who are cleaning these rooms can get them as clean as they need to be. You can't. It's impossible. It's not their fault.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
How is it that one guy, like in the same circle of people, one guy can miserably fail at every business opportunity that comes his way. And another guy can literally turn shit into gold. He turned a string of restaurants, bars, and liquor stores in Johnson City, fucking Tennessee into a huge success.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I think we're lucky if they change the sheets. Do you know what I'm saying? I really do. And that's why they put these bottles of soap.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
now that are sitting in every hotel room every place everywhere except for the finest of hotels and i can only imagine what some sick fucks are out there doing to those bottles of soap i don't even want to know people are weird and men especially i guess listen guys i was a boy too once like you know i don't know what's going on with those bottles of soap i don't want to know
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
So I take these kids in there and I wash them off as thoroughly as I can. And then I'm like, okay, well, let's go downstairs and try and kill some more time. We go down there. We have now paid like $180 for this all adventure pack. They are our adventure, our adventure pack, which is supposed to get us all kinds of everything for free. We don't have to worry about it. No muss, no fuss.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
We're just supposed to go there. Well, the place is crowded. So we go up to this little stand where you can check into all these different activities. And I'd say, you know, okay, two for the ropes course. Great. I see you have the blue wristband. That means it's only $29.99 per minute for you to do the ropes course. And I'm like, I have the roar pack. I'm roaring.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I'm supposed to have the roar here. And you just get a fucking discount. And I'm like, you got to be kidding me. And he's like, well, the activities that are included are putt-putt and putt-putt. And putt-putt. And I'm like, I don't want to play putt-putt. Putt-putt's everywhere. No one likes putt-putt. No one likes regular putt-putt. Let's be honest. It's played out a little bit. Okay?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yes. And Allie and Gustavo decide to do the ropes course. And then Astrid, for some reason, one of my daughters and Astrid are eyeing the climbing wall, a very huge climbing wall, four stories in the air climbing wall on the back of the thing. And they start looking at that climbing wall. And I'm like, oh, my God. My young girl is going to go up there and try and climb four stories?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I will tell you the surprising end to this story, as well as the pizza shop when we get back.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I'm down here in Atlanta where literally money's growing on trees, and I can't plant a plum to save my life. I mean, I swear to God. Good for you, Fosse. Good for you. He does have a great set of restaurants. And Fosse, if you want to call and tell me the names of those, I'll shout them out here on air. Yeah, so I love that Johnson City area. It's lovely.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Astrid and one of my girls eyeing this climbing wall that is three and a half, four stories in the air. It's very tall and it's like a real climbing wall. And there's a bunch of children that are manning this climbing wall. But I can see that they have some kind of, I don't know if you've ever been climbing. Did I tell you this story that
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
It's hard. I wouldn't even try because of my fear of heights. I would get, I've been on children's climbing wall. Yes. That's like seven feet. Yeah. Like there's a place, a play place that we go. Yeah. My son wanted me to help him climb up. So I did that, you know, whatever. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And the rope is one of those belay ropes, like an auto belay. So you climb up and then if you fall off, it automatically catches you and lowers you down slowly. It's an auto belay. So it's not someone actually, you know, make me feel a little bit better. Okay.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
At least there's not some, you know, jack off teenager trying to make sure that my daughter doesn't come crashing down or God forbid my wife. So I was like, okay, you know, here, I'll watch the baby while you do this, I guess. You know, be careful up there. Well, my daughter, there's three sections of the wall. There's very difficult, difficult, and easy. So they put my daughter on easy.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
She's just tall enough to get into the harness. But I give her credit. She's fucking brave. She did it. Listen, she has never seen.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I know. She has never seen any of her parents exhibit that kind of courage because we don't have that kind of courage. Right. But Astrid gets up there, too. This is going on over the course of an hour. It's like my daughter first, and then we come back to it, and then Astrid and my daughter are doing it.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And then Gustavo, who's just finished the ropes course, which, of course, I'll never do because that thing's three stories in the air, and you've got to walk on a tight rope and all this stuff. I was like, fuck that. I literally cannot get on a ladder without feeling afraid of heights. But Astrid goes on it, and then she gets down. She probably gets halfway up the wall, and she goes down.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And then Gustavo and Ale are getting in their gear to go next. And Gustavo goes, hey, brother, you going to go? Come on, brother, let's go. And Astrid turns to him, and she goes, he's not going to do that. Like that. Something about that, those words.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Compelled my balls. Yeah. to release a high dose of testosterone. And my brain went into auto shut off mode. And after they did it, I just didn't say a word. And after they did it and I got braver and braver. And after Gustavo got down, I think he made it almost all the way up the difficult wall. After he did it, I jumped over there and I said, loop me up, coach.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I'm ready to go up. I am ready to go up. Chrissy, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know why I'm doing it. I... I have never been in a harness. I don't know how to climb a wall. I don't even know what you're supposed to do. But instinct takes over. And I quickly, quickly, and not looking down once, climbed right up that wall and rang that bell. All the way up to the top. Difficult range.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And congratulations to my kind of cousin who did it well. Also, I wanted to say that one of our friends, do you remember about a year ago somebody wrote in and they said that they had heard about us on a podcast called The Hillbilly Horror Stories?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Three and a half stories in the air. To which then my poor hands and body, my old frail body, just gave out. And I knew I knew it was coming, but I was like, OK, I can't hold on any longer.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And I let go. And the belay released like 10 of the 30 feet, just like. And then it slowed down, but it slowed down in a way that I couldn't catch my body. So I literally landed on the ground flat. To which the young teenager, who I think is there to help you in some way, shape or form. Nice guy was like, whoa, dude. And I was like, oh, man.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And then I was like having trouble getting myself back up. I was like, and he's just standing on top of me like, you all right, bro? And I was like, yeah, can you help me up? And he's like, wow, bro, you took a hit there. And I was like, yeah, can you help me up?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I think Astrid has this on video, and if she does, I will put it on our Instagram at the commercial break. Chrissy, this was like, I really felt very proud of myself when I hit that bell, but like most of my life, most accomplishments are then superseded by some embarrassment. Yeah. Can't win for losing. I must have looked like an idiot. I don't even think I've watched the video.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I haven't watched the video. I must have looked like an idiot just falling non-gracefully three stories down and falling directly on my back. Oh, God. I mean, it's hard.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, you know, that'll make you sleep well at night. And then I wonder why my back's hurt for the last couple of days. Actually, now I think I'm putting two and two together. That's it. That's why I landed directly on my back. But I was just, I don't know what made me, it's like the time that I jumped out of an airplane.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I don't know what made me do it, but some kind of weird thing happens sometimes, even though I'm terrified of heights. And you probably on any other day.
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Putt Putt Rawr
a whole um zipline zipline situation mile in the air didn't we do like the world's longest zipline yes or the world's highest or something yeah it was very very long it was like 15 different stops yes very long very high up in the air and and there again something in my brain takes over where i can manage to get over the fear you weren't just gonna have me do it no no no no you had to let
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
So for the second time in a year, somebody has written in to tell us that they heard about us on Hillbilly Horror Stories, who we shouted out at the time because we had no idea who the Hillbilly Horror Stories were, never communicated with them. We certainly hadn't purchased any ads or done any cross-promotion with them.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Well, yeah, when you when you decided you were going to come, I think you said, let's we got to do the zip lines. I've read about the zip lines. And what was I going to do? Have you do it by yourself? No, let's both get in a harness, smoke cigarettes all the way through the tree canopy of Costa Rica.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I think it's a pretty safe assumption. If we're talking about that trip to Costa Rica, one or both of us was fucked up at any given hour of the day or all given hours of the day. That was a wild trip. Yeah, so I fly planes. I jump out of them. I randomly climb up walls. But if you tried to get me on a ladder to change a light bulb in my own house, my knees would shake, literally.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I don't know what it is. It was crazy. Yeah. So anyway, so now I've had my adventure for the day, right? I've decided, like, I'm a man. And I was so proud of myself. Astrid looks at Gustavo and she goes, he's still got it. And I was like, got what? I don't know. I probably look like a... He's still got it.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I don't even think I used my feet. I was just pulling myself up.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, I just wanted to get to the next thing so I could prove to myself that I could do it. But it was hard. I went on the difficult one. It was hard. So, okay, so. All right, now we're done. Everyone's done. Oh, we get that arcade. And Chrissy, I give those kids, I give them $25. I tell them no, no, no, no, no about the arcade because they started asking the second they saw it.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Money pit, money pit, money pit. And what do you get at the end? You get a rubbery ball and a pack of three sweet tarts for the $38 you've spent. It doesn't make any sense. But of course, I give in because I'm like... Talk about germs, too. I know. Oh, God.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
No, no, no, no, no. I'll tell you the surprising thing. One second, I'll tell you about cleaning that surprised me a little bit. So we walk into this arcade, and the arcade has surprisingly few video games and a whole bunch of things with claws.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And you have to drop a little arm in there. They're all spinning around on this wheel real fast. And you have to drop an arm in there to try and shove them off. And if you shove one of them off, you get them. I haven't seen that one. There was a kid... This little shit, every time he dropped that arm, he was getting like 50,000 tickets.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
He was putting them on his arm, and he had a whole sleeve of these tickets. I'm running around with ropes of tickets. Yes, ropes of tickets. And I'm like, I'm fascinated by this kid. pudgy little redhead, just like mastering all of these games. And that wasn't the only time I saw him getting tickets. Wheel of Fortune, he won 10,000 tickets. The kid had like 600,000 tickets.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And apparently, Jerry and Tracy were the hosts of this show and Jerry passed away. So they wanted to let us know that. And he was apparently loved by a lot of people, according to this listener who also wrote in to tell us about this. And so sorry to hear about Jerry. Jerry. Yeah, not Garcia. That one passed a long time ago, this other one.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And I'm like, so I asked him, I go, how are you managing to do this? And he goes, well, I've been here a lot. I get real good at it after a while. And I'm like, and where are your mommy and daddy? They're in the room, smoking meth. They're at the bar doing coke. Yeah. So these claws, these claws, they're 10 points each time. And 10 points is like $3. Well, I've given my kids $25.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Well, I managed to get a claw thing for each of my children, but then fail at successful tips. So basically they get four claw attempts and then they're done with their money. And then they're screaming and yelling because they didn't get the thing that they wanted to really get. So I said, that's enough. That's it. You know, you're getting shitty right now. It's like eight o'clock at night.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Well, one of the reasons why I say everybody there was really nice is because we actually didn't have the tickets to get them what they wanted. And the people just let us. They were like, I'll just have it. That's nice. Which was nice. But then I thought about it. I just spent $110 at your arcade. Thanks for the bouncy ball that cost that cent. That cost one red cent.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yes. Give it to him. He's in $6,000 now. Yeah. Great Wolf Lodge.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Checkout's at 11, but we got out at 7 before they ran the credit cards. Because I didn't want them to lock me in the room. So we go back upstairs and now everybody's fussy, everybody's tired, and everybody's hungry. That's it.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
So we're trying to figure out what to do. We've seen other people have other pizza boxes, like outside pizza places, boxes there. But we decide no because that may take a long time. Yeah. And we don't know what to trust out this far. Like we don't know which pizza place.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
He had the pizza from downstairs. From downstairs. Yeah. The Wolfie's Pizza. Yeah. Everything is Wolfie something, right? Swim, swim, Wolfie's dolphin or whatever it is. There's the taco place. There's the burger place. There's the Dunkin' Donuts. There's the ice cream shop. There's the pizza place. And there's a cafeteria like place where they just make cafeteria type food.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Well, the cafeteria place, for one reason or the other, wasn't open. I'm imagining dysentery, but, you know, who knows? It's like a cruise ship.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
The health department shut them down. I don't know. The taco place is open, but I'm not sure I trust tacos from Great Wolf Lodge.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
The Wolfie Taco. Yeah. And by the way, no one seemed to be getting the Wolfie Tacos, so it made me a little suspicious. It's like my father-in-law always says, if the restaurant isn't crowded, there's a reason, right? It's not good, probably. So I thought to myself, well, I'm not sure I want to get the shits before I leave Great Wolf Lodge in 12 hours.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And then the burger place, well, we've already had the burgers. So let's not have burgers twice. So what's pizza? So Astrid finds a way that you can order online. You can order the pizzas to be picked up down at this pizza place that's embedded in the inside of the adventure park. So Astrid orders whatever it is, four pizzas, wing, a bunch of stuff. And she says, okay, be ready in 30 minutes.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
But sorry to hear about Jerry and thanks to Hillbilly Horror Stories.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Okay. So one of my kids begging me, can I go with, can I go with, can I go with, can I go with? And I know what it's going to be is just I want to buy the next thing. I want to buy the next thing. I want to buy the next thing.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
But as a father, sometimes you actually do have to hang out with your children. So I was like, all right. These are the kind of moments they'll remember when they get older. My daddy told me no for an hour straight waiting for pizza as he got increasingly frustrated at humans in general.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
So I tell Astrid after like 25 minutes, all right, it takes an hour to walk down there, so I'm going to go, and it'll be ready by the time I get there. Well, I go down there. They got these big screens. It's not even a pizza place. It's like there's a counter, and that counter, they have a – They have a big glass refrigerator full of drinks. They have a counter.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
The counter has plastic plates, bags, cups, and then it's got like some cookies behind the glass and some other stuff behind the glass and the little cash register over to the right where you can order stuff. Then it's got these screen... It's probably got...
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
seven tables in this little area and then a bunch of tables outside it's still inside the facility but outside the actual in enclosure that is the pizza place but then there's no ovens right behind that there's just this big wolf sign and then there's a door where i imagine the kitchen is somewhere back there okay they probably make all the food at one place and then just bring it to its respective restaurants do you know what i'm saying yes i would say so they freeze it
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Probably. I have to imagine. Yes. And then after we started doing... And I'm not claiming this was done because of, but I have also noticed there is a semi-popular podcast that is now... just exclusively reviewing mountain monsters. That's all they do. But I have to imagine that maybe it has something to do with me. Because I always imagine that. You're the center of the universe. That's right.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
This is not fresh pizza. This is DiGiorno's afterthought pizza. That's DiGiorno reject. Yes, that's right. Chucked in in mass and cooked there in some weird oven. So we've got four of these pizzas, big screens, and they've got names. Order name, so it's got your last name, ready.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And then they're just shoving them in this box, and there's one poor kid whose responsibility is to yell out the names of the orders and try and get people their pizza. Well, what I noticed as soon as I walk in is that our name is there's like four screens and our name is on the fourth screen. And they're just getting to the people on the left hand side of the screen.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And I'm like, I go, all right, son, take a seat. We're going to be here for a minute. I already know this. There are people that are sitting there, all of them waiting for pizza, you can tell. There are certain people who you can already understand are irritated by this whole situation.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yes. There is a story to this moment, and you are walking in on that story, and you don't know what's going on. So my spidey senses are up. I'm trying to figure out... Is there going to be a fistfight over the Wolfie's pizza or is someone going to lose their shit? Because there are certain indicators that I won't get into right now for various reasons.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
I could not be more thrilled that one of my favorite brands has joined the commercial break as a sponsor Dollar Shave Club. Been a customer for a very long time. One very happy customer indeed. It's no surprise that facial hair is personal. It grows on our face. We all grow it, we all shave it, and all of us style it differently.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
There are certain indicators on certain people that tell me that it's likely that someone could explode. Someone could explode or is in the process of exploding and I'm just walking into it. So I find a table. I sit my kid down right in front of the glass window. There is a lady with her three children and she keeps walking back and forth trying to get the guy behind there's attention.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
She keeps on every five seconds. Is that ours? Is that ours? Is that ours? And he keeps on saying, no, it's not. I know your name as soon as. OK. The guy goes back to get more pizzas, comes back. I start realizing that every time the guy went back to get pizzas, she takes a plastic bag from like one of those things you see at Kroger, like a plastic bag hanger. She takes a plastic bag.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
She puts plates and napkins in it and she tells her kid to go get a drink. And the kid puts the drinks in another plastic bag. That kid takes all of the accoutrements outside the restaurant and the kid comes back. What? Every time the guy leaves, this lady is stealing plates, plastic bags. She literally took like 50 plastic bags off the thing and stuffed them in another plastic bag.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Told her kid to go get more drinks and off away that goes. These people are stealing from the Great Wolf Lodge. Drinks, waters, sodas, utensils, napkins. It's like, what level of desperate? You could afford to come to the Great Wolf Lodge. You can afford paper plates and napkins, and other people may need them.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
This is going to make it twice as expensive next time I decide to come to the Great Wolf Lodge because you're shitting on me. The honor system. She did have a scam going on. And I don't know. I'm sure other people noticed it. I couldn't have been the only one. Meanwhile, my son is like, can I watch your phone? Can I watch your phone? Can I watch your phone?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And I am engrossed in what is going on. And so finally, I just like I make it a rule of not giving my phone to my kids anywhere. But I just hand him the phone and I'm like, here you go. Meanwhile, he's on like you porn and I'm here watching the ladies steal drinks. Yeah. I'm just going, should I say something or should I not say something?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Because, you know, this day and age, sometimes it's dangerous to say something. And maybe, just maybe, I'm making the assumption that she's not paying for it, but maybe it's possible that she paid for it. Well, after like the fifth time of grabbing four or five different liters of like Gatorade and soda, there's no way. Because...
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yes, there was an honor system in the sense the guy would hand you your pizza. He handed me my pizza. And then he said, you can get your drinks. I see you have this. You can get your drinks from the thing. He was telling everybody that. Right. But he wasn't really paying attention to what you were getting.
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Putt Putt Rawr
But, you know, my kid's watching, and so I feel like even if I wanted an extra soda, I don't think I would do it, even if he wasn't there. But I'm certainly not going to do it with my kid there. No way.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yes. In the scam. In the theft of the Great Wolf Lodge pizza place. So after this lady got her pizza, there were people behind me, and they were in slow motion redneck explosion over how long this was taking their pizza. And I could hear them talking, the parents talking amongst themselves, the children yelling at, saying, you know, when's this fucking pizza going to be ready, dad?
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
One of our good friends says, wow, a whole show about naked penises and an in-depth conversation about billionaire politics. At this rate, you're going to make me a lifelong TCB listener. I think that's Sean.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And the dad would be like, I don't know, son, but I'm getting real pissed off. Yeah, I'm getting pissed off, too. You know, like a whole family of shitheads. Do you know what I'm saying? Like they're breeding them in some kind of Peachtree dish for dinner.
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Putt Putt Rawr
assholes and i can hear these kids you know and my kid is like daddy i think that guy said the word asshole and i'm like he did and you don't repeat it only daddy can say that on his podcast because that's how we make money and you'll learn you'll learn the hypocrisy of daddy later on in life but for right now you can't say the word asshole that's right
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Putt Putt Rawr
So eventually, after like 40 minutes, our name comes up and the guy comes up with our pizza. I know we won the pizza lottery, but when we stand up, The guy behind me is at the counter before I am. He stands up right away and walks right in front of me. And he goes, is that our pizza? And I go, I think he called my name. And he looks at the guy and he goes, this guy was here after us.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And he goes, it goes in order. And maybe you were. Yeah, they ordered it before you. Oh, my God. Did this guy blow up at this kid? Yeah. And he was like, this makes no sense. How do you fucking run an operation like this when people are waiting and this guy gets it before that guy? There's no making sense of this. Blah, blah, blah. This poor teenager is like, sir, I'll get my manager.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
But this is the way it is. You have to wait for your pizza. It'll be up soon.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
And this is happening so much. We see it on social media. And now it's just like unfolding in front of my eyes. It's not the first time. It won't be the last time. But finally, I just couldn't take it. I make it a point not to get involved because, you know, I got kids with me. Like, I don't want to be the ire of anybody's displeasure. Right. But I finally looked at the guy and I go, hey, man.
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Putt Putt Rawr
He's a kid. He's just doing what he's told to do. I know I waited a long time for the pizza, too. Like, you got to give him a break. It's very busy in here. He just he's just trying to do what he's going to do. And the guy goes, man, fuck that. We all been waiting here 40 minutes. I go, I know I waited as long, too, but it'll be good once you get it. Just give him a break. Right.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Yeah, our naked attraction episode. So, you know, sorry to hit you over the head with a bunch of balls to start the year off. But, I mean, what else are you doing? You know what I'm saying? Well, bam. Our favorite trucker says, can never do too much Frankie B. I'd listen to a podcast if they strictly did only Frankie B content.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Just give him a break. He's not the one that's making this all everybody in this whole operation. Yeah. And the guy, to his small credit, after having a major meltdown on this 14-year-old teenager, did go and sit down as I was leaving the restaurant, right? But I was like, and then my kid is like this. He goes, Daddy, what did you say to that guy?
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Putt Putt Rawr
And I go, I just told him it would probably be best that he didn't yell anymore in the restaurant. And he goes, my kid goes, yeah, but we did wait a long time for the pizza. And I thought to myself, I am also growing a shithead in a Peachtree dish. We are all friends. And you know what? There's not much I can do about it.
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
It's the Georgia thing. It's also early in the week, so I'm still trying to get my sea legs under me. So you have to peach tree dish. It's a Lamborghini. Lamborghini. Lamborghini.
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Putt Putt Rawr
You don't know how many words I get wrong all the time. I'm just a wordsmith that can't get the words right.
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Putt Putt Rawr
No, that's not true. We're planning our next visit to the Great Wolf Lodge. Well, here's the thing. I also don't really care for Disney World right now with small children. And I think some things have just gotten out of control about Disney World. Pricing.
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Putt Putt Rawr
layoff staff over commercialization even though i'm that's funny i'm saying that about disney world but they've over over commercialized it uh but the children love it and it's not about me for once in my goddamn life i'm not going to be selfish we will at some point go back to the great wolf lodge because the kids had so much fun and no one ended up with their anuses falling out so there you go i guess we'll give it that no one threw up
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Putt Putt Rawr
But what surprised me about the Great Wolf Lodge as far as cleaning was concerned is we could see inside of the glass walls of that place. And when the pool closed at 9 p.m., I didn't see one, not one person in there cleaning. Now, it's very possible that could have been done later on in the night.
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Putt Putt Rawr
It could be done down under in the machinery. I don't know. But I thought certainly a crew is going to go in there and just spray that place down.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Listen, I'm sure somebody who works there can tell me differently, but I didn't see anybody in there, and that made me a little bit surprised.
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Putt Putt Rawr
We did. Oh, you did? Yeah, we got up, and I took the kids to the pool, and we had fun. Anyway, 212-433-3TCB.
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Putt Putt Rawr
for uh 212-433-3TCB tcbpodcast.com add the commercial break on instagram tcbpodcast.tiktok and youtube.com slash the commercial break okay Chrissy that's all I can do for now I think so but I'll say that I love you best to you best to you out there in the podcast universe until next time Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye
The Commercial Break
Putt Putt Rawr
Well, just go back, listen to season number two and three of the commercial break, and you'll get what you want. We talked about Sidney a couple of months ago. Sidney had written in. He had written us a letter, asked for some advice, talked about some things. And we didn't know whether or not to refer to Sidney as a girl or a boy. I have found out that Sidney is a boy. Sid is a boy. Okay.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Sid listened to the 12 Days of TCB. He says we're crushing it. And he just wanted to let us know that he and his girlfriend give each other gifts. Him and his lady give each other gifts. How do you keep it a secret? Remember we talked about that? And we said you don't keep it a secret because we just talked about it on the commercial break. Taj says, happy holidays.
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Putt Putt Rawr
This is back from the holidays. We're just getting to some of these now. But that's better than we used to be where we would get to it six months later. That's right. She volunteers with the local SPCA. They foster cats and dogs throughout the year. And this Christmas, she'll be alone. But she's got TCB in the 13 days. She thanks us for putting together the 13 days.
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Putt Putt Rawr
By the way, everybody in the text messages referred to it as the 13 days of TCB because that's actually what it was. And someone says, where have all the PUA's gone? Can we do some more Frankie B? Then we did some more Frankie B. She says, you read my mind. Love you. Love TCB. Keep it going forever. You're welcome, of course.
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Putt Putt Rawr
So just a small snapshot of some of our listeners out there writing in and saying wonderful things about us. Thank you for writing. I do, do, do love our listeners. They are... Absolutely. Absolutely. I mean, listen... We've said this before. We'll say it again. Podcasting can be a lonely venture because part of the reason – let me share this.
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Putt Putt Rawr
We have Gustavo coming up on a special episode on Saturday in celebration of the USA versus Venezuela international soccer match that will take place here in Miami.
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Putt Putt Rawr
The America's Cup Final at the Hard Rock down there, which is the same place they're going to play this. People were literally creating stampedes to get in without tickets. And like... It's just beyond me. There are families there. There are children there. There are people who paid good money. And I understand that ticket prices are out of control.
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Putt Putt Rawr
That's what makes us all unique and interesting, and honestly, I think that's pretty fucking great. Dollar Shave Club is for everybody and every budget. Whether you like to go smooth like a baby's bottom or you're maintaining a fantastic manscaped beard like I do, Dollar Shave Club offers grooming products that are always high quality and always the right price.
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Putt Putt Rawr
But that doesn't mean that then you can go put everybody else's life in danger. You're a fucking moron. Don't do that. That's just ridiculous.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Listen, I can't go see. I can't go see Chris Rock in concert anymore either. It's too expensive. So you know what I do? I wait till it comes out on Netflix. That's what you do. It is, in my opinion, sometimes sporting matches are better when you're watching it on TV. Especially when there are stampedes running through the fucking hallways. I couldn't imagine.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I put myself, you know, we had a lot of friends that were down there because, you know, Miami and the Latin connection. And so... We had friends that were down there and the videos that they were showing through WhatsApp were insane. It was like a life or death situation for some people. Now, luckily, I think only one person passed away from a heart attack or something like that.
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Putt Putt Rawr
But that could have been a really sticky situation. Anyway, it's Venezuela versus America. You know, the Americans are too lazy to do it. You know, they're too lazy to stampede. And, you know, God love the Venezuelans. They'll probably be a little bit late. So there you go. It's not going to turn out just fine. But that's going to be a good match. I can't wait.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Anyway, Gustavo is coming on on Saturday. Here's the reason why I bring up Gustavo. Special episode with Gustavo coming in as a guest. Here's why I bring it up. Because Gustavo has this fear of the microphone. He has a real fear of getting on the microphone. And the way that I talked him off the ledge was to explain to him that podcasting is an extremely lonely venture.
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Putt Putt Rawr
There's literally no one on the other side. It's a camera, a microphone, and no one else in the room. There's nothing to be scared of. No one's going to give you instant feedback. You're not going to feel embarrassed by being in front of a bunch of people. You'll just feel that way later. You'll feel that way after the episode comes out.
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Putt Putt Rawr
You'll beg me to take it off the RSS feed, and I'll say, ah, ah, ah. But podcasting can be a lonely venture. And when you guys text in and you let us know about your lives and how TCB interacts with that life, it really is something special. It is something that I'm grateful for.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I think that this would be... I think it would be a different vibe for me if I didn't know that there were people on the other end and some of them... Loving us and hating us. Yeah, loving us and hating us. Listen... It's hard sometimes not to take the criticisms and internalize them. And that is why I never, ever read the reviews anymore. I don't Google the commercial, Blake. Blake.
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Putt Putt Rawr
I don't do any of that because I just don't, you know, whatever. But when on the odd.
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Putt Putt Rawr
That's right. On the odd and off chance that we get like somebody writes in and it's not so nice, I just ignore it. You know, I'm like, whatever. I say thanks for listening. What am I going to do? I can't make everybody happy.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Speaking of not making everybody happy, do you remember the podcaster Bobby Althoff? The Atloff. Is it Atloff? Bobby Atloff. You remember, Christina? This young girl who was like a homemaker. She was doing videos about... cooking food in her house and stuff like that. And then one day, all of the sudden, she gets an interview with a celebrity. I think it was a celebrity rapper.
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Putt Putt Rawr
So let me introduce you to some of their top sellers. I think they're going to make your grooming routine feel like a spa day. And anybody who listens to the commercial break knows how much I like a spa day. The Club Series 6 Blade Razor. This isn't just any razor. It's a mini vacation for your face. It's got six stainless steel blades and a vitamin E infused lubricant strip.
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Putt Putt Rawr
And this interview goes viral because her way of interviewing people was extraordinarily weird, dry, maybe even a little bit off-putting. She was very quiet. She was very confrontational, but she wasn't like loud about it. She would be like, you're kind of ugly. She would say stuff like that. And I'm not even kidding. It was like really weird. So she went super viral.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Millions and millions of views in just a couple of months. So Bobby then has this runaway train of a successful podcast. And she gets all of these celebrities to come on the podcast. A lot of rappers, a lot of R&B stars. Drake. She does a famous interview with Drake in a bed.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Okay. In a bed. She starts kind of hitting on him. She is married with a child. That husband soon files for divorce. Oh, God. For a long time. people, and people had been whispering, like a whisper campaign, that WME, the agency who represented her, the William Morris Endeavor Agency,
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Putt Putt Rawr
who are very big players in the podcast space, that WME, that she was an industry plant, that WME had essentially taken their other clients, their famous clients, and strategized, constructed this out of kind of whole cloth because Drake was their client, this other rapper was their client, lots of her guests were their clients.
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Putt Putt Rawr
It's hard to believe. And early on, a very well-placed source in the podcast industry had told me that she was an industry plant. Now, I don't even know what that means, really. Because at the end of the day, you know, you could say that, like, our views manufactured, our downloads manufactured, whatever. I don't know. Who cares? It doesn't really matter.
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Putt Putt Rawr
If people like the content, is she really an industry plant or is she just someone that kind of struck while the iron was hot? But people have been... kind of eulogizing her over the last couple of weeks or month because her views have plummeted. She's like not the hot thing anymore. As time went on, people started to understand that Bobbi was not the person that was on the podcast.
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Putt Putt Rawr
She had a much different personality in real life and that a lot of this stuff was just kind of for the cameras. She also made a few comments like – I heard that somebody else was making half a million dollars podcasting, so that's what I need to do so I can make half a million dollars. In other words, people felt like she wasn't doing it for the love of the podcast.
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Putt Putt Rawr
Listen, let me explain something to you. There are no millions of dollars in this type of podcasting. I mean, you can certainly reach those successes and those heights, But for every Joe Rogan, Conan O'Brien, and Theo Vaughn, Dax Shepard smart list, there are 50 of us who are just paying the bills. That's it. And barely. And some months not even. Bobby was not that kind of podcast.
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Putt Putt Rawr
This razor delivers the closest, most comfortable shave. Honestly, I feel just a little too pampered after I use this. And the precision trimmer is perfect for getting those little detailed areas like right under the nose or around your jawline. Because when you're going to keep it high and tight... You need to get it precise. But don't take my word for it. Try it for yourself.
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Putt Putt Rawr
She was not the smart list kind of podcaster. She had a lot of YouTube views, but YouTube monetizes much differently than podcasts do. And so here's the reason why I say this while we're talking about this, and then we'll get on to Great Wolf Lodge. I feel a little bit bad for Bobby, if I'm being honest. Because, yeah, maybe she's an industry plant and WME helped her get those guests on her show.
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Putt Putt Rawr
But people had to find her genuinely interesting in order for those views to happen. It wasn't... And... That's the name of the business. If you have an agency, you fully expect they're going to help you make connections. That's why you have an agency to make those kind of connections. Bobby was playing a character on a podcast. Everybody's playing a character when the camera turns on.
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Oh, yeah. I don't know. God bless dentists, man. God bless them. That's a tough job. No wonder a lot of them jump off a roof. It's like, who wants to be in somebody's mouth all day long? It's such a weird profession. And it's so important. And at the end of the day, you should kiss your dentist on the mouth after the cleaning that you were...
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that they were kind enough to go inside your nasty ass mouth and clean it out. And, you know, I talk to that hygienist that I have. You know, she likes to talk. And even though my mouth is wide open, I enjoy hearing her talk. But she told some stories about some nasty ass mouths. I mean, there's some nasty ass mouths out there. What are you people doing? You got the breath of a thousand asses.
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That's all I got. The breath of a thousand asses. Do you remember that Chris Rock bit? No. You've got the breath of a thousand asses.
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It can happen. One of my kids has already had two cavities filled. Now they're tiny little cavities. We got them filled just, they weren't hurting him, but just as a precautionary measure. Yeah. But after that, I scared the holy shit out of my kids, and I don't care.
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They brush those teeth in the morning and in the night and sometimes in between because they are literally worried about the repercussions of getting a cavity. And I don't care if I'm being a weird dad by scaring them with the cavity monster. But the cavity monster is coming for them.
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Show them a picture of people who are getting veneers and what happens right before you get the veneers. Have you ever seen? That is disturbing. Astrid has a picture of hers because she has veneers. Yeah. And I refuse to look at that picture. I'm like, I don't want my opinion of you to change forever. Yeah.
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I don't want us to be, you know, mid-coitus, and then I have to come into my head, all those little nubbies. Like, I just don't want it. That is what they do.
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Yeah, that's why I won't get veneers. I won't do it. I like my teeth. They're a little crooked on the bottom, but I like them in general. That's okay.
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You know, my kids have started to notice that I have fangs. And they're like, how do I get fangs? Have you noticed that I have fangs?
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Yeah. I got pretty big fangs, and they're really sharp, too. Maybe that's from that girl who bit me the first time we had sex. Made me bleed. That's right. The vampire chick. Yeah, I know you're out there. What's that?
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I did get bitten. And it was bloody. And it was, that hurt. That hurt bad. So anyway, girl I dated on Facebook now has a daughter that looks like the girl I dated on Facebook. So there you go. It's a weird time to be alive, kids. It's a weird time to be alive. And we're happy that you're here for the ride. I'd like to remind you that Kathleen Madden...
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again was on Tuesday Kathleen was a doll face and we had a lot of great feedback about Kathleen a lot of people really are into Kathleen and she is just as fantastic as she sounds she is just as wonderful as she could be like she was a really really nice person and very funny go listen to that episode it's Tuesday's TCB infomercial and links to her tour tickets links to her specials of which she's got a million of them she's got just so much material out there when I was doing the episode I
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You know, when we have people on, if they're comics, especially.
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Yeah. Yeah. I listen to it. I like to cut the intro. I went down such a rabbit hole with Kathleen. I just wanted to cut a quick clip. And 58 minutes later, I'm still watching like her special. It was like this super cut of a bunch of her specials put together, like the best parts of her super specials, a super cut of her specials. And I just could not get out of there. I was like, oh, my God.
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Yeah, I'll wait for the payoff. And then 58 minutes later, I was still watching. I'm like, I got to get out of here. I got kids. I don't have time for all this. I got kids and a podcast that's, you know, in the bottom half of the top of the bottom half of the charts.
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And a Facebook page to check. It's the first time I've been on Facebook in a long time, and I'm telling you what, nothing's changed over there. It's still a hot mess. And I've called most of the idiots, but somehow the idiotic thinking just has a way of finding itself in front of my face.
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Oh, man, those two fuckers. Okay, I'll tell you about Instagram verified. Oh, okay. I don't know if you noticed that commercial break is now verified. For what reason, I don't know. You did notice that? I did. You did? Oh, look at you. Chrissy got on Instagram. So proud of you, Chrissy. All right, we'll take a break. We'll be back.
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All right, so the commercial break is now verified on Instagram. You know, Instagram, like, I don't know, maybe two years ago, three years ago, during the pandemic at some point, them and Twitter, Twitter and Instagram, decided that they could, since they weren't making any money directly off people...
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that they could get a few bucks off you if they did this program called verified, which basically means that you probably are the person you say you are. It doesn't even mean that you really are. I mean, the amount of checking, I don't know what the amount of checking is. I don't know that LexisNexis or they connect to someone or they verify you through email or whatever they do.
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I know you have to have like two-factor authentication, 2FA, put on. So I guess they're doing the best they can to figure out if you're the actual person or company that you say you are. And so we've been talking to various AI platforms about growing the social media, which has been a pain point of ours for years.
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And it turns out that if you don't put any effort into growing, then you're likely not going to grow. That's what it turns out. Okay.
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I mean, I see people literally dressed up like Pokemon at 52 years old. with a dad bod and a micro penis running around talking about how much they hate women. And they've got like 50,000 followers. And we have like 7,000 followers. And I'm like, how is this possible? How is this possible? How is it that that content is better than this content?
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But I'm starting to understand, I think, a little bit why. Part of it is because we're just putting clips of our show out there. And that may not always be we're not all that funny.
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In plain terms, we're not all that good at what we do. And we're not really capturing people's attention. And therefore, Instagram doesn't really push us out there. We certainly have had a lot more traffic recently than we ever have. And a few of those reels have gone viral. But those reels are like mainly about Venezuela. It's like anytime we talk about Venezuela, we get a ton of new followers.
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And media and personalities and soccer players and professional baseball players and you know all kind of like superstars in the Venezuelan community like our stuff follow us all that and I love it too I love it and there's nothing about it that I wish I could change not a thing I love having a Venezuelan audience and But let's all be real about it. The Venezuelans are great.
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We also need some other people, too. Right. We need some because I don't know that the Venezuelans are always listening to the show. I think they like to follow us on Instagram because we put out reels on occasion that this green this green goes talking about Venezuela. And he actually might know what he's talking about. Right.
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Or he doesn't know what he's talking about, who you are, depending on which comment you read. But, OK, you get what I'm saying. But I'm not always sure that they ended up being listeners of the show because there are some really great Venezuelan podcasts and we are not one of them. And so I'm talking to the AI platforms and I'm like, OK, tell me about how we can grow this Instagram.
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And one of the things that keeps getting repeated is that those who are verified tend to get more views than those who aren't verified.
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Yeah, of course, because you're paying Instagram. So you're juicing, you're asking them to juice your views essentially by being verified. They know who you are. They can, I guess there's some kind of, let's just put it, they put their thumb on the scale a little bit for those who are verified.
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With a dad bod and a micro penis running around talking about how much they hate women. And they've got like 50,000 followers. And we have like 7,000 followers. And I'm like, how is this possible? How is this possible? How is it that that content is better than this content? But I'm starting to understand, I think, a little bit why.
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But now over the years, as I've been watching this verified thing, like let's take, for example, we had a reel that went viral about the New Year's Eve Venezuelan traditions. Right. Okay.
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That reel went nuts. On January 1st, Astrid cut our video editor, cut it up. Astrid put it on Instagram within hours. We had tens of thousands of views within days. We had hundreds of thousands of views, thousands, tens of thousands of shares, comments, likes all this other stuff. It went crazy in the Venezuelan community.
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This is it. This is our moment. We're going viral. Then like Lady Gaga burps and she gets 17 million views in an hour. Yeah.
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It was just like, it was a couple of days of madness because it really, it really was that I had to turn off notifications because we were, I would get off Instagram and two minutes later I would get back and it'd be like a hundred more likes, a hundred more comments. It was nuts. You know, a hundred more followers. So anyway, here, that's not even the point.
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The point is, is that when these people were coming through and I was like watching who was liking the reel and who was commenting on the reel. Anytime that I would see a verified checkmark, I'd be like, oh, this is someone fantastic. I must go check out and see who they are. And you'd go and it was, you know, likely someone with like a thousand followers. Right.
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Let me get through this second bottle of wine, and then I'll make a decision. Yeah, you should get verified. But anyway, so it doesn't really hold a lot of weight, the verification, because we don't have all that many followers.
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Because it can juice the engine. And then because there could be people that want to make an account with your pictures and your stuff, and you've got to know who the real –
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Part of it is because we're just putting clips of our show out there. And that may not always be... We're not all that funny. So maybe that's why.
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Christian Ronaldo has... 312 million. I don't know what it is. 300 million plus. I think 300 million plus followers on Instagram. But when you search for Cristiano Ronaldo, the first account that will come up is like, you know, Cristiano Ronaldo is like, you know, the name.
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That guy has like 58 million followers and he is simply a finsta.
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And he's got 58 million followers. Now, I don't believe that he can monetize that account because I think the Instagram has some rules around monetizing other people's likenesses and stuff like that. I think. I don't know. Who knows?
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But I'll tell you right now, it's like for a while I thought about calling the commercial break Instagram account Cristiano Ronaldo break because anything having to do with these super famous human beings, they have gravity and they come along. I've noticed that. So there's so many different derivatives and fake accounts and Finsta and all this. So I made the decision to go ahead and get verified.
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But it's such, I don't want to say it's a ripoff. I want to say it's a lot of money. And then for just a few extra views, I'm not sure. But I guess at some point you do have to go ahead and take the steps that people take when they're in the public eye. And since we're definitely in the public eye, and by the public eye, I mean all three of you. Both of you know who we are.
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Maybe I should have waited until we actually... Because I guess my point was, when I go to a verified account, when I look at a verified account, I'm always expecting that they're going to be some heavy hitter, hundreds of thousands, millions of followers, somebody that we should know, that should be in the know. And when I look at most verified accounts, it's like people with 300 followers. Yeah.
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And I guess they're thinking the same thing I am, which is maybe this will do the trick.
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So we're verified and that's all there is to it, Chrissy. We're not going to get unverified unless we get unverified. Actually, we tried to get verified on the commercial break. We tried to do that multiple times over the years. And for some reason, they didn't think we were who we were. They thought we might have been a finsta and they declined to verify us. And then finally it happened.
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No, when you do, well, listen, you don't have a lot of interaction on your account, so you might have to go through an extra step or two. I don't know. I really don't. I don't know what the protocol is. But when I went to go get my personal account verified, so the chatty GPT or whatever AI we were using, was like, get verified, and then anybody associated with the show, get verified.
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Make sure those accounts are interacting with each other, right? It's just part of the social media game. So I'm like, okay, I'll get verified. And when I went through the process of getting verified, I think because my Facebook is connected to it, I'm sure that it ran checks, like AI checks on the pictures that were there and the pictures that are here. Are they the same person?
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Do they have the same eye measurements? I don't know how all that works. But the one thing that they did make me do is you must turn on 2FA on your account. You must have 2FA on your account. If you don't, you can't get verified. In some cases, they will ask you for identification, like a state ID or a passport. But the commercial break...
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All I had to do was just ask to be verified, and I'm assuming that because I just got verified, so now I'm verified, I'm someone on the show, I own the account, that all of that stuff kind of came together. Yeah, it had to. Yeah, so it's a process. Okay.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chris. Best to me, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us. We appreciate it. I'm getting to this weird age.
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Yeah, get into it. And it's not cheap either. That's the thing is it's like 15 bucks a month, 15 bucks a month. I'm now paying Mark Zuckerberg, which I hate it. I really do. I don't like the thought of giving that guy any more money. I'm done giving all of these oligarchs money. I'm done with it. I'm done giving all of these boneheads money. I'm not buying a Tesla.
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Couldn't afford one if I wanted to. I'm not giving Mark any more money unless I click on one of his ads because I want to go to that concert. And who's the other billionaire that I'm not going to? And I'm not subscribing to the Washington Post anymore. That's it. Those three things. I'm done. I'm done. You've made your stance.
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I'd like to really take a stance and not use Amazon anymore, but let's be real about it. They kind of got us by the balls there.
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Yeah. Who's not going to use Amazon? Amazon is amazing. Party City is going on a business. Oh, I know. Did you see that?
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Well, listen, there's now all kinds of layoffs going on everywhere, including people at our own network, Odyssey. Now, radio has been shrinking since 2008. It's just been shrinking. It saw its heyday. It's been shrinking. We don't have to rake the radio industry over the coals. It's just a dying industry. That's it. Because less and less people are listening to actual on-air radio.
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It'll always be around. But it's not going to see the 90s again. That's not going to happen, the early 90s again. So even our network Odyssey laid some people off, but there are layoffs happening all over the place. And then you add in all of the craziness that's going on with Elon's chainsaw or whatever's going on. And we're likely going to have a dramatic economic downturn.
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Oh, it's happening. It's already happening. And that's why these companies are laying people off is because it's like 2008 all over again, but this time they can see it coming. So they are not going to be caught flat-footed. They're preemptively cutting labor and, you know... That's just the way that's what you do when you're in one of those boardrooms and you start getting nervous.
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You don't know, just like everybody doesn't know what's going to happen from one day to the next. They're not fortune tellers, but they can sense on the streets that things are not going to be easy and no one's making it easier. It's just like destroying a very healthy economy for what reason? I don't know. I mean, I know there are reasons, but I'm not here to talk about all those.
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I mean, I've been at this weird age for as long as I can remember. Maybe I was just born weird. Maybe the age doesn't matter.
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But here's my point. So, you know, all of these things that are, you know, kind of happening at one time, like there's all of these layoffs and all this other shit going. What was my point? What was I talking about? I don't know.
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Yeah. I was talking about Amazon and then all of a sudden I forgot what I was talking about.
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There you go. $15 a month. Now I'm giving these oligarchs money. I'm done giving all of these oligarchs money. That's it. That is my point. My point is I am done giving the oligarchs money. There you go. How's that? Except for Amazon and Facebook and occasionally everybody else.
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It's all integrated into our lives. They have seeped their way into every inch of our lives and we cannot unfuck this fuckery. And that makes me upset to some degree, but I certainly enjoy the perks of it. So it's hard. It's a hard.
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I was born this way. Okay. I need my Navaj. Navaj. Navaj. Navaj, that thing that takes snot out of your brain. I'm getting to this weird age where... Here, let me explain. I just looked at a Facebook post. Of a girl that I met when I was a teenager, when I was like 15 or 16 years old, and we had a dalliance, like a moment, right?
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Yeah. I mean, I know this is like this is a totally ADHD segment, but let me share this. As far as the streaming services are concerned, I've said it before and I'm going to say it again. I really think we broke something that wasn't broken, if you think about it. Netflix is a channel. It's a channel. And yeah, there's lots of content on that channel.
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And you can pick and choose what you want to watch when you want to watch it. But it is a television channel. That's what it is. And it is a big television channel. And they have billions and billions of dollars they throw at creating content. Apple TV is a channel. It is a television channel. You watch it on your television or on your phone maybe, but it's a screen.
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And all of these cable providers, AT&T, Comcast, Charter. Charter. I see you out there, Charter.
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Right. They were all over the place sponsoring the Braves. And I'd be like, yeah, charter. And then I got charter. And I now realize why you don't hear about them anymore. Anyway, Cox Communications, all of those people, they provided a service. They essentially they were the people who carried those channels into your house. And they still do that.
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But just via a different a different band on the wire, which is Internet. And so it's the exact same thing. Only now, every one of these channels has found a way to squeeze an immense amount of money out of us. If we would have all let the cable companies just negotiate all of these carriage fees and all that other shit, yeah, maybe Netflix wouldn't have $100 billion a year to spend on content.
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But they could have still created really great content. It still could have all been on demand. And we just would have had a little tiny little box sitting on our television that would have allowed us to flip through. And we would have paid one bill. One bill. I know. I am paying $300 a month for content. $300 a month for content between the cable that I still want.
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That's it. Yeah. Oh, add the internet. Forget about it. I've got like 10 gig internet or whatever it is. I'm paying like 150. I mean, because we need it. There's so much shit going in and out of this fucking room right here. But you know, the truth is, is that I'm paying $300, $400 for all of that every single month.
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I would have rather paid $250 every month, get all of it, get the gold package, have it all on demand, and have a little box sitting there and just flip through the channels. And then when I want to watch, I don't know, Kath and Kim or The Crown or whatever it is, I just go to the Netflix channel like I do on DirecTV. On demand, The Crown. Let me watch it. That's it. I can do that.
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And then Netflix can put television commercials in there, and I'll feel like it's okay that they do so. But now I've got to watch fucking television commercials anyway. On Amazon?
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Come on, Bezos. Really? You're charging me all of this money. You're getting me seven ways to Sunday on every single thing that I buy. Like, here was the point. Now I remember. I got it. Full circle. Party City is going out of business. And Astrid took the kids to Party City and they went to the going out of business sale. They got like two more weeks left or a week left or whatever it is.
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And she cleaned up. She bought like $1,000 worth of stuff, $780 worth of stuff for like less than $200. All this stuff that you can use at parties, birthdays, you know, and we just put it in the corner and we use it when we want it. Party City was never the cheapest place in the world to buy stuff, but it was nice to go walk in there and look at stuff.
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That's gone. Absolutely. I used to go to party. My Grammy... Remember when I told you about the New Year's Eve parties down in the bar basement that my grandma had? We used to walk us up to Party City. Anyway, my kids are asking, why? Why is it closing? Why is it closing? Why is it closing? And I literally had to explain to them that Amazon...
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sells this stuff for 50% cheaper and they get it to your front door the next day. And there is, it's unlikely that most people are going to get in their car, dress up, get in their car, go pay double, walk through a store, spend an hour fissing and futting around when they could lay on their couch, press the button and have it there the next day. And this is happening all over the place.
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Like you do when you're 15 or 16. Sure. Nothing of it. It wasn't the love of my life, but it's just something I remember. But we've been Facebook friends since I've been on Facebook. And she has a daughter that she had at a relatively young age, I would say like late teens, early 20s. And now that daughter is like in her early 20s. You know what I'm saying?
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Now, with Party City, there might be other factors. They might be owned by a hedge fund or ran them into the ground. I'm not sure what it is. But I can understand that Party City must be hard to make a living doing that when you sell streamers for $5 and you can buy them on Amazon for $2 and get them here tomorrow or tonight. It's just a whole fucking clusterfuck.
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Amazon is so wonderful, and the convenience of it is so lovely, and those people that work so hard to bring those packages to your door so quickly. I just bought another random wire. That random wire got here in a day, and it's a random wire. You wouldn't be able to find this anywhere else. It's a random wire.
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wire I got it I'm gonna come in here one day and just organize I know and the wire didn't work so it goes in the wire box and Astrid's gonna get upset at me I know we're gonna have to have a whole conversation about how there's thousands of dollars of wires that I never used in that box and I'm gonna say yeah but maybe someday we'll need it and she'll go yeah maybe someday you will but you will buy a new one the exact same wire again you will I know you and I'll say yeah okay babe and you know more marital strife because of this commercial break
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yes anyway my point was i'm giving all my money to the oligarchs amazon's coming in here and then they're killing local business i mean not the party city was a local business but you know they're they kill these other businesses and uh yeah yeah happy days happy days happy days are here again i know i
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Whatever that is. They take over high school gymnasiums or whatever. They do. They take over empty party cities and pet smarts. That's what they do. Old old coals. And, you know, they have a smart business model. They know they're seasonal. And so they go in and they look for people who are desperate to make a couple bucks with that empty shit that they got sitting there.
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And they just go in there for a couple of months, pay them cheap rent, get in, get out. I guess they have a warehouse somewhere where they keep all that stuff. And that's it. It's really quite amazing. Logistically, of course it is. Of course it is. Where do you think they get their stuff from? It's Amazon. Yes. Oh, Amazon. I have a love-hate relationship with you. I really, really do.
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And then on top of that, you got BritBox and BBC. So, you know, I turn on that prime.
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There is such good television coming out of BritBox, they're having their moment. I mean, like everybody else in the world, that prestige TV has also hit BBC and I don't know what the other channels are, but the other channels out there. But I do love some British television. I love it dearly. And it's almost like now if...
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After a certain time of night, like 11 o'clock, I only want to hear a British accent or maybe an Australian accent. That's it. That's all I want to hear. It soothes me. I'm like a little baby. I'm like, oh, my British accent. I go to sleep. I'm re-watching Kath and Kim.
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Oh, my God. What a fucking hilarious show. It's an Australian show. What a hilarious show about a mother and a daughter, Kath and Kim. If you haven't seen the show and you're into kind of like absurdist humor, which, of course... You must be because you're listening to the commercial break. If you're still here. Yeah, this is the absurd of the absurd.
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So that daughter's in her early 20s and looks exactly like her mother did when she was a teenager. So I'm at this weird age where I'm looking at these Facebook posts and I'm like, holy fuck, am I getting old? I mean, holy fuck, am I old? Hmm. I'm old. We used to look like that. That used to be us. We used to look like that. And now we're saggy and old and gray. And now they rule the world.
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This 15, 20-minute segment has been a perfect encapsulation of what the commercial break has always been about. Nothing. Nothing. Brian being ADHD. That's it. All right. Speaking of ADHD, we got to take a break. Speaking of oligarchs, we got to take a break so we can pay some bills. Well, let's listen to this Amazon commercial and we'll be right back.
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I have noticed, and you can call me out on this, listener. I want you to call me out on a few things. First of all, we're going to start doing a segment on this show called Brian Was Wrong. So when you hear me say something that is wrong, text in, and we're going to keep a running list.
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And then every couple of weeks, we're going to get it out of our system and make fun of Brian about how wrong Brian is and for how long he has been wrong. Number one. Number two, I am noticing that I often start the next segment with this. It's kind of like, do you remember this?
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The smoke alarm? The smoke alarm. I'm like a smoke alarm every time we come back from a break. I'm like, ah, ah. I asked ChatGPT, what's the thing that Brian says the most on the show? Like, what's the word he uses? I want to know what my crutch word was. And it was uh and like. So those two words. As are a lot of people, I'm sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. I'm not, you know.
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But I want to clean it up. We're professional broadcasters now, Chrissy. We have to clean this shit up. We got to get better. We got to get better. I'm noticing that there are a lot of Teslas on sale on Facebook. Yeah. I just saw another one. This is probably the fifth one that I've seen in like, I don't know, two weeks. People are selling their Teslas. They want to get rid of it.
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$24,000, 2020 Tesla, less than 50,000 miles is a pretty good deal. It's a Tesla Model Y. That's a pretty good deal. $24,000 and a $4,000 tax credit. So essentially it's just 20 grand, right? That's like, you can't buy a lot of used cars for 20 grand. That's a lot. And I was reading that people are putting like Toyota stickers on the back of their Teslas.
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So that and or there's a there's a sticker that you can buy now from a guy that's that is creating them. And it says, yes, I bought the Tesla, but I do not like Elon. Right.
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Yeah. And so, yeah, it's never before has a brand changed. and a person been so closely aligned since Walt Disney, I think, right? As a brand and a person been so closely aligned and the fate of the brand is going with the fate of the sentiment around that person. It's, um, That's all I got to say.
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I mean, I don't know how you feel about Elon or whatever, but I think it's very interesting that there is such blowback.
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Well, when Tesla came on the market, I got to be honest, I was with everybody else. I'm like, finally, we're going to solve this problem. Everybody and every liberal in California bought a Tesla. And there were lines for them and waiting lists. And I went and looked at them multiple times. And I almost pulled the trigger, but I just felt like it was a very expensive car.
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And we don't have anything to do with it anymore. Oh. There's going to be no more late nights at McDonald's making movies and smoking pot in the walk-in cooler. It's never going to happen again.
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And it was also going to be hard for the way that my particular living situation is. It was going to be hard for me to find a place to put the outlet. Yeah. But we have a Tesla charging station near our house and there's like 30 of those stations sitting in a parking lot.
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And they're always full. And there's always someone waiting to go. I guess I guess you make a reservation. There's always extra cars sitting there. So it's there's a lot of them on the road here in Atlanta, especially. Yeah, there are.
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Yeah, I saw one earlier. I went in one in Denver. Yeah, Denver.
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I was coming, I was going back to the airport. It's about a 30, 40 minute ride. I asked for an Uber X or whatever. I was traveling for business. So I was like Uber X or Uber Comfort or something. One of those things, you know, one of the many things that Uber now offers.
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Yeah. And so what showed up? A brand new, spanking new, smelling like it just came off the lot.
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uber uh tesla and the guy said to me he said i just got this car a couple weeks ago i said oh that's great you got a tesla now you're driving for uber that you know it must pay well and he said no no no i get this from the company like he was some kind of deal where they were getting it through the company and they could take it home at night and they were paying a certain amount of the money that they had so i don't know but now that the sentiment is changing you know tesla feels like a different company
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It feels like a different company. And that's the thing. It feels like a different company. It's not a different company, but it feels like a different company to a lot of people. And there's a big backlash. And I find it fascinating how the human brain works, that it's hard to compartmentalize those two things. But I guess then again, you don't see the CEO of Chevrolet running up and
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Are you intent to go to McDonald's and smoke pot in the walk-in cooler?
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What do you associate with the commercial break? I don't know.
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Drinking. Drugs. General Scallywagging. My puffy, pushy eye is out of control.
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Crabapple. That's true. I'm going to make a whole series. I'm going to make a series called Crabapple.
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Oh, I just love making characters for Crabapple. I really do. It's really good. And people have said, and I've said this before, I'm not tuning my own home, but people have said, I really like the fact that the bits are back, you know, and there was one of our listeners said, I actually went back and listened to your first 15 or 20 episodes.
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And he said, I think you guys, this is a very kind compliment. He said, I think you've been funny since the beginning. And so congratulations to you. You know, not every episode is hilarious. We understand that. But he said, I think you guys have been funny from the beginning.
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And then someone else commented, I went back and listened to the bits at the beginning of the show since you've been starting doing them again. And, you know, they're really hilarious. Here's the thing about the bits. They do take a lot of time and you got to script them out. And I do all the voices and all the production. And it's a little bit of a pain in the ass.
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Yeah, but it's going to be totally different then. Our bodies are going to react different. I mean, listen, I agree with you. Yes, when you get to a certain age, you should give no shit about it. Like driving that train high on cocaine, Casey Jones. Let's go. What does it matter anymore? It doesn't matter. It's like those old ladies at that Romanian, you know, traveler party, right?
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I had so much fun. That's the point. It brings me so much joy. I love creating these characters. I just have this... Yeah. Yeah. And WSHIT is their community radio station. Of course, and Yuckles. Yuckles. That is the local comedy club. Clown show and dating school. Or no, clown school and dating. I'll have to bring Yuckles back.
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But here's what I really wanted to talk about. Not Elon, not Tesla, not Crybubble. I wanted to talk about the couple. Two things. Number one, the couple who is now suing, is it Emirates Airline, I think, because Emirates put a dead body next to them in first class. Did you see that? No, no. Yeah, they had to fly like 12 hours next to a dead body.
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Yes. Someone passed away on the plane. They had a heart attack or a stroke or something. Oh, my God. An older woman, which is sad, of course. Yeah, yeah. But she died of natural causes and it was just an event that happens on a plane. Probably happens. Listen, there have been pilots that have died, like co-pilots that have died.
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And the other pilot has to fly the plane home, you know, or make a landing. But they were over the ocean and there was nothing they could do. So the pilots made the decision, which is the right decision to make, that let's get to where we're going. And maybe this person has family that's waiting there or whatever. They're going home.
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Let's get to where we're going and then we'll deal with it when we get there. And this couple is very upset. They have pictures and video of them sitting next to a sheet, essentially a woman. And there's a sheet and she's buckled in and that's it. Right. Oh, my God. And it's in first class. So there's a little bit of separation, but there's still a dead body next to you.
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I understand just how disconcerting this must have been. But where in the fuck did they expect them to put the dead body? Other people were saying, put him put her in the bathroom. And I'm like, yeah, but then you take up a whole restroom and you've seen those plain restrooms at the end of a flight of especially an international flight.
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There's a lot of people have to travel in and out of those bathrooms.
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That's right. So you end up with a woman just flying everywhere.
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You got to secure her. I mean, you can't have her flying all over the place.
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Right. There's there's not many options. And I understand you want to sue because you didn't have a nice flight, but you're in first class on your way.
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Come on, guys. Really? Honestly, think about the poor lady's family.
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I'm going to say it, at the gypsy party. And they were all doing blow, huge plates of blow, and they were in their 80s. I agree. We should be like that. But it's not going to be the same. We're not going to be as fresh-faced, as young, as wild, as willing, as flexible. And I mean physically flexible, like our ability to, you know. Have sex without breaking a hip.
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It's the right thing to do to make sure that she gets at least in one piece back to wherever it is she's going so that the people that love her, you know, can do whatever they need to do to get some closure and not have, you know, I don't know if you bruise after you die or whatever, but not have, you know, open wounds or something because you're flying around the bathroom or flying around the floor or whatever.
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You can't put her in the overhead bin. We've all seen that it's really hard to get big stuff into an overhead bin. Yeah.
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They did the right thing. In my opinion, they did the right thing. It probably happens all the time, but, you know, rare enough that you'll probably never experience it. But you are sitting in the open seat. What are you going to do? I mean, you got to do what you got to do. If it was me, I would have been gracious about it. And I would have said, well... Can I get a free bottle of champagne?
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Can I get some free booze? Because if you give me... Yeah. And I'm sure they did. I'm sure they did. I'm sure they did.
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Yeah. They didn't just go, oh, hey, I'm going to put this dead body next to you.
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Yeah, of course. It was an inconvenient... Probably the whole flight got something, right? Because it's a... A stressful thing to go through. But it does happen. It's part of life. And what are you going to do? Stop being such a dick. Don't sue anybody. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It was a circumstance. And you should have been gracious in the moment. Because it wasn't about you.
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It was about the lady and her family. Leave it alone. Number two thing that I'm upset about. As far as lawsuits are concerned. Some Tool fans are suing Tool. Like, there's a class action lawsuit because Tool recently played their Tool in the Sand at the Hard Rock Dominican Republic.
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I mean, everybody does. It's a cruise or it's an island retreat. It's big business. And you can go to a place like the Hard Rock in the Dominican where they are literally set up for it.
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You don't have to do anything as a band except for bring your gear and play a show.
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They're going to play two nights, Friday and Saturday. On those two nights, they are promising the two unique sets of Tool, right? So everybody goes to the first show, and they play six or seven songs, whatever it is. And because Tool songs are 86 minutes long, they play two songs, right, essentially. Mm-hmm. Then on Saturday, Maynard asked the crowd, who was here last night?
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Well, everybody was there last night because everybody's there for the entire weekend. You don't have an opportunity just to go for one night. And Jewel does not play in the most unique set because they repeat some of the songs that they played from the night before, which upsets some fans to the point where they start booing
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They start booing them during their set in the Dominican Republic on a beautiful beach. So I got to say, at what point do you just... say to yourself, man, you're really fucking entitled here. I get it. You're there for the weekend and you want to see all of your favorite Tool songs and you don't want to hear it twice. I understand.
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But Tool is entitled to play whatever it is they want to play because they're the artists. And if they feel like repeating a couple of songs, it sucks for you, but that's what they're choosing to do. And who knows, production-wise, they might have to do that because they have the visuals for these songs or Whatever the case may be, it doesn't really matter. You're seeing Tool twice.
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Like all these things there back then. Not now. And that's a little weird. But I know that we experience this at every age. Right. It's not just at this age where you experience it. It happens to everybody. It's. The wheel keeps on turning. Youth is wasted on the young. All the old adages we can put in there. But I looked at this specific picture and I thought to myself, that was us.
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Listen, if it was me and I was seeing whoever, I don't know, Pearl Jam. Let's say I was saying Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam also is in this. We don't do set lists except for 15 minutes before, and we always try and change it up every single show and blah, blah, blah. If I heard... you know, three of the songs on Friday and then three of the same songs on Saturday, I wouldn't complain.
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I'd feel grateful to have been in the room to hear any of it. And it just seems like a shitty reaction to playing a couple of songs, repeating a couple of songs. Now that all said... I do have to say this about Tool. They seem to really dislike their fans in general. Maynard seems to be really like kind of a fussy character who doesn't really care for the fans. And I understand. I get it.
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He's making the music for him, not for you. But if that's the case, then don't go out there and play in the sand. I mean, you're playing in the Dominican... It's clearly a money... It's a money thing, right?
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If there's any band in the world that I don't think about when I'm on the beach, it's Tool. I don't think about Tool when I'm drinking a fruity cocktail. I really don't. That's like the last thing that I would think about would be... any kind of Tool album. It's not beach music. It's just not. But it's big business to each their own. It must be a fun time to get together with other Tool fans.
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Get together with other Tool fans. Meet the one or two women that decided brave enough to show up inside the crowd. Exactly. And, you know, have some fun for the weekend. That must have been the most male... skewing weekend in hard rock history. But apparently, they have been doing this for a couple of years. This wasn't even the first time. They've been doing it for a couple of years.
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So Tool fans, stop being so entitled. You don't have to sue the band because they played a couple of songs over again night after night. That's a ridiculous thing. And Tool... If you really don't like the fans, then don't put out any more music and don't play. Do it in your basement for yourselves, to yourselves. Make your own mixtapes or whatever.
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But stop treating the fans like they're a bunch of assholes when they're paying money to see you. They're flying down to the Dominican Republic. The least you could do is be respectful of your fans. That's the least you could do. And listen, this has been going on time and more. Every rock and roll band at some point starts to argue with themselves and the fans. They're all... It's all the wall.
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Pinky and Floyd are arguing about the fans and they're slowly building a wall between them. But now I kind of understand why, because your fans want to sue you when all you do is play the music.
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I don't see them winning a fucking penny. I really don't. Because they said two unique sets of music. Yes, two unique sets of music. That could mean the same songs in a different order. Just remember that. Take that from a guy who was the front man for some of the world's most unknown music.
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Like I'm imagining guys with big black boots on and like long sleeve, you know, black tulle shirts.
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Yeah, I'm imagining a lot of guys in the pool with their t-shirts still on. Do you know what I'm saying? That's what I'm imagining. Like jorts and a long sleeve t-shirt. So I don't get why. I'm a Tool fan. So, there you go. I'm making fun of myself. What's that?
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I don't love every single thing that Tool's ever done, but I am a Tool fan. And I think their music is technically beautiful. Yeah, but I get it. It's kind of like Rush. You know the band Rush? I think you have to have a certain mindset to be into Rush, and I never had that mindset. Tool, I think, is the same way. You've got to be into very technical music to get it.
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That was us just a minute ago. Like, where did we go? Where did we go? We were all young and fun and somewhat good looking back then. Now I'm just... I have a fear that I'm not the George Clooney I thought I might be. Like, you know, Clooney gets better looking with age. He was on ER. Was he on ER?
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But I was hooked from that video Sober. Remember the video for Sober with the little claymation character? It was a very scary video, and I was convinced from moment one. I was like, oh, this band. I like this band. So I'd probably go down there to the Dominican Republic and see Tool. I've seen Tool a couple times. I've seen Tool a couple times. It's a weird show.
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Maynard is always hiding in the corner in some weird getup. He's always behind the drums. He doesn't really show his face. It's not his thing. He's a performer, but not... I don't know. It's all weird. If you like Tool, then you know if you don't. Why am I talking about Tool fucking cares? Don't sue Tool. Stop it. Stop it. Big babies. All right, tcbpodcast.com, that's where you go.
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More information about the show, all the audio, all the video, right there from one location, and your free TCB swag at the Contact Us button. 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, we take them all right there via text message or voicemail.
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You could be the next voice on the show at the commercial break on verified Instagram, tcbpodcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. for all the episodes the same day they air here on the audio feed. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there on the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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He was on ER. I think he started when he was on ER when he was like 57 years old. And now he's like 92. And the guy just keeps getting better looking. He's like Harrison Ford, George Clooney, Brad Pitt. They're all aging very gracefully, I must say.
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That'll do it. Tequila and money. But I don't drink and I don't have any money.
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So I just fear that I'm not going to be that Clooney I thought I was going to be.
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Yeah, between puffy pussy and Botox in your dick, there's something there. There's some combination of fountain of youth that is...
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I think brewing right around the corner. We're learning more. We're figuring it out. And while I'm not against plastic surgery or fillers or Botox or any of that stuff, I've decided it's not for me personally right now in my life. Mm-hmm. I don't know, just there's some things that I've seen that makes me a little bit nervous that these type of elective procedures, should they go wrong?
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And they will go wrong with me because that's not my luck in life, right? I'm going to end up having one eye that's just shut like permanently, like a pirate.
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Yeah. He's going to do Botox to get rid of some of the wrinkles in my head, and I'm going to end up with a camel toe. That's how it's going to be.
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All I ask is that you do it for Instagram so we can get a few more followers. Maybe if we start showing your camel toe, we'll get above 10,000. Camel toe is camel toe. It is what it is. It is what it is. It is what it is.
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Listen, I mean, they're all different. They're all beautiful. And there's some camel toe out there.
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I agree with you. Free the toe. Who cares? Honestly, at the end of the day, who gives a shit? It's a vagina. We all came from one. It's not going to kill you. And, you know, listen, I think there are appropriate places to have, like, sexualized camel toe, if you know what I mean. And then there... But...
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Okay, if you're walking around the mall with jeans that are a little tight and you're showing a little crack.
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Yeah, just be opposite. That's right. The slit. Yeah, I mean, listen, there's a fountain of youth brewing somewhere. We got people out there that are spending, you know, millions of dollars trying to, that one guy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, our friend Allison did a whole podcast episode about that guy and that movie. Yeah.
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There's a documentary that now has been made about the... I mean, you probably... I've seen it.
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No. No, I don't care. I care about the science and the technology, but I don't care that much about one egomaniac trying to, but they say biologically that his body is the body of like a late 20 year old. Right. And he is in his mid forties. So he has managed to be, I think your phone's ringing. Uh, his, he has managed to beat back, uh, some of time. It's the dentist. Do you need to take it?
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They call me incessantly trying to sell me something. Oh, they do?
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Yeah, I mean, I get it. Like, you know, you're trying to make a business out of it. Dentists... are like doctors with used cars out front. Do you know what I'm saying? Like, there's something to be sold there.
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Like, a doctor's always pushing some kind of... You know, the medical reps come... Speaking of medicine and trying to beat the clock, you walk into a doctor's office, you tell them what's wrong, they diagnose you, and then they likely give you some kind of medication. That medication...
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could be the best fit for the job, or it could be the medication that they just got pitched that's supposedly doing new and wonderful things. That's the way it works. Everything's about money. It's all driven by revenue. We know this. But what I have noticed about dentist office specifically is that there are a lot of ancillary services to be added on to a dental visit. And
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Some of the dentists we've been to are really good at figuring out how to make it sound like you really need to get that done when the truth is you probably do not.
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I love my dentist. I can't say that they don't try and pitch me anything, but I can say that it's not a hard sell. They're not, like, if I say no, then it's dropped. But they do, you know, and they text me and, you know, $1,000 off your, you know. Whitening or whatever. Yeah, your intense whitening services. I can go to the fucking Kroger and get Crest White.
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They are. I don't smoke anymore, so I don't get those yellow stains anymore. So I think my teeth are pretty white. I don't think I need a thousand dollar cleaning service. But should I? I'll let you know. Right. But there's like... I want to be careful about how I say this because I really do like my dentist. I'm a fan of the dental office. I'm a fan of the people that work there.
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I think they're kind. Me too. It just seems like there's a lot of suggested dental work that needs to get done, but I'm not feeling like it. Like, I don't feel it. So do I really need to get it done? Like, there's something back there, and we better spend $1,000 preemptively making sure that it's okay.
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But the preventative work doesn't always seem necessary. So I just push it off and push it off and push it off. But then again, then I'll end up in a dental chair. Yeah, then I have root canal that was seven months long. And that's the other thing is that I'm also reading and seeing a lot of Instagram reels.
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Now, I don't know if this is, this seems to be one guy pushing this narrative, but there also seem to be a lot of dentists who are latching onto this narrative that root canals are 100% ineffective. Mm-hmm.
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ineffective they cause nothing but back like infections and bacteria in your mouth and there's one dentist specifically he's got a lot of traction on instagram who says if you're being told you need a root canal you are being told that you need to have a lifelong infection in your tooth And forget about it. But I have yet to see what the alternative to the root canal is.
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Like, just let it rot out of your head. Pull it. I don't know.
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God bless. I've had three of them. I've had three of them and none of them went to plan. None of them. Not one of them. Now, I get it. I'm Irish. I got those Irish, you know, I don't know, potato eating teeth. I'm not even sure what the thing is. But the roots of my teeth are very long. And I had the first dentist who did a root canal on me, who was Dr. Feelgood. He had a...
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and don't come calling to me because I think he's long since been out of business. I don't even think he lives in the state anymore. But he was my, I was a bartender. He sat at my bar.
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Yeah, I don't even think he's in the state anymore. I don't know, but just don't ask me. I don't want anyone trying to follow up with me because, you know, listen, this was the go-go 2000s and we were all just a little bit crazier back then and everybody was hooked on pain pills. Let's just admit it, okay? Everybody. He had in his office like a candy jar. But that candy jar had Demerol in it.
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What? Demerol. And he would give it to you. I know. And then forget about the amount of pain medication that he would prescribe you for one tooth procedure. It was silly.
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It was silly. But that was the norm back then. There were a lot of people prescribing a lot of pain medication. That's true. And listen, in that sense, the root canal wasn't that bad. I mean, it wasn't that bad because I was so fucking doped up before, during, and after. Yeah.
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Um, but he said to me when I got my first root canal, I, it had to be done in three separate parts because the first time he went into the mouth and he opened it up, he said, I don't have drills that are long enough to get to the bottom of your roots. He's like, I have to special order them. And I'm like, what?
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And he's like, so I'm gonna have to close you up, clean you out, close you up, put a temporary filling in there. And then you got to come back when I get these back in a week. And he goes, here's the good news. The good news is you will never lose a tooth on its own. You just won't lose a tooth on its own. Those roots are so far up into your head.
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He's like, but the bad news is you may go through this anytime you need a root canal. And he was right. Every time I get a root canal, those doctors, they got to bring out the extra long whatever they call it. It's not a drill. It's like a poker.
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Those extra long pokers to get up into the roots. And so I've always had multi-part root canals. They're always messy and they never stop the pain 100%. And it's really obnoxious. So I'm starting to kind of, you know, conspiracy thinking. This is as far as Brian's conspiracy thinking goes. The root canals are a grand conspiracy by, I don't know, big filling. By big fillers.
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Yeah, I had Anne Hathaway. That's what I had. Pete Davidson, Kevin Costner, Anne Hathaway, Trump, and Taylor Swift. Listen, say what you will about Trump. He seemed to be very well received by that crowd. Very well received, which has not always been the case when Trump has been in the building. He has oftentimes been booed.
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Oh, really? Yeah. Is that true? Mm-hmm. The first time a president has ever gone to the Super Bowl?
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You would think that, what is it, Super Bowl 59 or something? Mm-hmm. You would think that after all those- It was Licks. It was Licks. Oh, yeah, that's right. L-I-X-X.
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L-I-X. What is that? What does the L stand for? The L stands for? It stands for 50? L-I-X. So that means one before 10. So 59.
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So you would think that after 59 Super Bowls, there would have been one president who decided to show up. Well, that's taxpayer dollars well spent right there. Shut down the Superdome so that Trump can come in and check it out. Listen, I got no problem with Trump showing up at the Super Bowl. It's obviously one of those things that most Americans tune in. It really is.
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I thought Obama was a big football fan. And certainly Bill Clinton, you know, the Super Bowl's got a lot of ladies that show up to it. Ladies of the night, you would think Bill Clinton would have been there to get some action, right?
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Hey, what do I know? I'm just a guy. I've never been to a Super Bowl. I'll never go to a Super Bowl. I don't know. It just seems like not something that I'd, it's of all the sporting events that I could go to, the Super Bowl is way down on the list.
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Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we've had a couple of them here.
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You went to some parties that were like Super Bowl sanctioned?
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Did you go to that Shaq thing? Is that what you went to? No. Oh, okay. Shaq. Shaq puts on a big... Oh, Shaq. Yeah, he becomes a DJ for a day. Yeah, that's right. No, I didn't do that. He puts on a big Super Bowl party.
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Like one of those warehouse things? Yeah. Yeah. And what do you mean by it was like, eh? It was just like kind of a boring party?
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It's like a scene. Scene and be seen. Scene and be seen kind of party. Yeah, that's admittedly not my scene either, mainly because no one's looking for me. Do you know what I'm saying? I think if people were looking for me, then it would be more exciting. Yeah. I'm more of a naked hippie in the wood kind of party. Because no one's looking for me there either, but at least I get to see tits.
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You know what I'm saying? So that's kind of my, that's more of my scene. Yeah. If there's boobs, then I can, you know, I can appreciate it. I think when the, not this time when the Super Bowl happened, but the last time when the Super Bowl happened, I did go to a couple of the strip clubs here. Okay. Days before, now, the day before the Super Bowl, we had a big ice storm.
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So, you know, but it was like a couple of days before, and I went to a few of the strip clubs, and it was lit. It was hopping. It was lit. Slamming. Slam packed. Yeah, Atlanta's known for having a lot of great dance halls where you dance naked. They are. Or they dance naked and you watch them and pay them to dance naked. Yeah. And yeah, I have no problem with that. Gold Club, baby. The Gold Club.
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By the way, not one of my daughters is singing that fucking Pink Pony Club, you know. At the Pink Pony Club, Chappelle Roan. Now, let me explain. I normally wouldn't have any problem with my daughter singing a Cheval Rhone song as long as the lyrics were appropriate. But she's a little girl. She is not even six years old yet. This one I'm talking about. She's not even six years old yet.
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And to anybody who lives in Atlanta, Pink Pony Club takes on a whole different meaning.
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Because the Pink Pony Club is the largest strip club in Atlanta. It is extraordinarily famous. And if you've lived in Atlanta long enough, you've been to a Pink Pony Club, no doubt about it. There used to be two. They shut one of them down. But I went to the grand opening of that one, of the second one.
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We went together. Yes. And I got propositioned by another executive at the company to have sex with him and his wife. Yes, that's right.
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Very not cool. Don't sleep with other executives and their wives. Just sharing that with you. Unless they have cocaine, then you can do it. All right, let's do this. Let's take a break. We'll run through the commercials on the Super Bowl. We got lots more to talk about. Thanks for joining us on this episode of The Commercial Break. We'll be back.
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All my friends and family all across the country, I say hello. How are you doing? And I must also say hello to my friends and family in Philadelphia. May you not kill each other. with the five-day celebration that will be for the Super Bowl.
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All right, let's talk about the most important thing regarding the Super Bowl, which is, of course, the commercials. Doesn't matter who's playing any given year. By the way, I had no dog in this fight. Like, I am not... a fan of the Chiefs. I am not a fan of the Eagles. I don't really care either way.
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But my kids got excited about the Chiefs because they like their ketchup and mustard colored uniforms, right?
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When one of my kids said ketchup and mustard, I was like, oh, that's true. It is ketchup and mustard. Anyway, so they like the ketchup and mustard. And then, you know, the girls like Taylor. So, of course, they're going to vote. You know, they're going to run with that. So I will say I had no dog in the fight, but I thought, okay, I'll root for the Chiefs. Why not see them three-peat?
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Those numbers are broke. Records are broken all the time. It's part of what makes sports interesting is when you can go ahead and break a record or do something interesting. Get 5,000 yards in one game. But I quickly became an Eagles fan, like within a quarter. I thought to myself, wow, these guys are playing superior football.
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And for a guy who doesn't know the first thing about football, I thought, yeah, this is cool. I like to see this. I like to see someone just dominate, picking people apart, picking a team apart. That was really good football played by the Eagles. So I will say, by the end of the first quarter, I was like, okay, go Eagles. Why not?
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That's right. So let's talk about the most important commercials of the day because, of course, the most important thing is the commercial breaks. Right, Chrissy? That's right. There you go. T-Mobile has decided that they are going to hook up with another big cuck, Elon Musk. The guy single-handedly destroying our Earth right now.
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Elon Musk, they're going to hook up with him and do some Starlink thing where you can get phone coverage anywhere. There is not a place where I travel. That I need that kind of coverage. If you're looking to get me on the top of Mount Everest, that's not going to happen. I do not go in the middle of the Sahara Desert. I am not camping out in Yosemite.
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I am not in the great wilds of Alaska or Canada, the great northern Canada. I am not any of those places where I would need Starlink coverage.
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I don't think so. I don't think so, and I'll explain why. Okay. You are fucking up the one – place close to earth that we have not fucked up yet which is our near earth atmosphere you are stuffing it full of little flying machines that by the way are coming down out of the sky all the time there was a lot of space junk yeah there's a lot of space junk
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Well, I'm already reading they're the city of brotherly love tearing the city of brotherly love apart currently right now. Did you know that they canceled school in Philadelphia on Monday a week before the Super Bowl even happened?
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And we're just creating more space junk, which is going to make it harder and harder to fly into space, harder and harder to see our own stars, harder and harder to, you know, navigate all these other things. This is like one huge experiment that no one knows what's going to happen. And now there are tens of thousands of those things flying in the sky. I have seen them with my own eyes. Yeah.
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It is rather disturbing because they are not stars. They are just little satellites providing internet to people in the Sahara Desert, I guess. Listen, I understand. I agree with you. In developing countries where you don't have internet access, I can understand how Starlink could be beneficial.
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But I think you could probably do that for developing countries with far fewer pieces of space junk flying through there. I just don't agree with filling our sky with a bunch of junk and hoping that everything turns out okay.
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I think we should have been a little bit more careful about deciding to allow somebody just to throw tens of thousands of satellites in near-Earth orbit and hope that everything's going to go okay. That's my personal opinion, you know?
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I don't want to go to space. I'd like my children to be able to look in the sky without seeing Elon Musk's name written there by a bunch of drones. That's what I'd like. Is that okay? Yes. Yeah, okay. Yes.
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This is not about Elon Musk. This is about space. This is about...
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Okay. Well, I disagree. And I think that we could probably take that same amount of money and just give connectivity to places on Earth that don't have connectivity. That's it. And the regular way that we do it here, you know, the regular, the way that it's been done for a long time, and it doesn't, that seems okay.
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You can position one satellite for connectivity or two satellites for connectivity. If I can get SiriusXM in my car anywhere I go and they have two satellites or three satellites, I think you could – and I am not an expert on connectivity. But I think you could probably do the same thing with far less space junk.
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They were preparing because they knew that no parent would be in a condition to drive their child to school the very next day. They were getting the DUIs off the street because everyone was going to celebrate well into the night, regardless of whether or not they won or they lost. And man, did they.
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Look at that. Every single one of those is a satellite.
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That's insane. That's insane. It covers every inch of the earth.
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More regulations. And then maybe we could accomplish the same thing without so many tiny little satellites. And I don't know, but maybe we could. And in the case of natural disaster, I totally understand. But do you know, you know this because Jeff does this. When Jeff has a concert, and there's going to be 20,000 of his closest friends are going to show up over there in Memphis, right?
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And he knows that that's going to be a problem when everybody's trying to call out and share pictures with their friends and post on Instagram. Jeff says, I need those people to post on Instagram to get the word out about Mempho. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to call Verizon or AT&T, and I'm going to let them know we're having this party, and they're going to show up with a big truck!
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And a big poll, and on that poll is going to be some receivers, and it's going to allow more people to use their phone inside of that venue. No muss, no fuss. Yeah. Can Verizon or Elon or whoever show up with one of those anytime there's a natural disaster? Could we do that also?
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Thank you. I will not be signing up for T-Mobile's Starlink service.
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Mad at you now. We're not friends anymore. Jurassic Park 17 is coming out with Scarlett Johansson, and I couldn't be less excited if you asked. If you tried to make me less excited about something, I couldn't be less excited about Starlink. I'm still stuck on it. I'm sorry. If you use Starlink, God bless you. If you're listening to me on Starlink... God bless you. God bless you.
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Thank you for listening. Yeah. Whatever. Anyway, I just have a problem with the space junk, but that's neither here nor there. I think the technology is amazing, but SiriusXM does the same thing with three satellites or two satellites, whatever it is. Jurassic Park 17 is coming out.
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I thought that that was a very anticlimactic commercial because how many times can we visit the same island and get the same goddamn dinosaurs to chase us around?
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And why are we going back to the island? Stop! Stop! Just let him die over there. What are we doing? Why are we going back? The first dum-dum had that idea to make Disney World out of Jurassic Park, which, by the way, was an excellent movie and an excellent book. Jurassic Park won.
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I was just reading all about the shenanigans going on in Philadelphia last night and probably well into the morning as the Philadelphia Eagles won over the Kansas City Chefs and the... Excuse me, the Taylor Swift Chefs. The Taylor Swift Chefs lost to the Eagles in a romp, Chrissy. It really was a romp. In a total romp.
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One. We stop at one. We don't need any more Jurassic Parks. You have to squeeze the ever-loving shit out of every fucking IP. I swear on all that's holy. No one is asking for Jurassic Park 7. No one. Do you know anybody in your personal life that is texting you, hey, when are they going to make another Jurassic Park?
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And I feel bad for Scarlett Johansson because I have a feeling that people are done with Jurassic Park and the poor girl probably got paid a fucking armored truck full of cash, probably showed up at her house to be in that movie. And it's probably not going to do very well because it's the same movie that we've been seeing since Jurassic Park 1. Yeah.
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They go to the island for some inexplicable reason, and then for some explicable reason, the dinosaurs want to kill them. Because they're dinosaurs! Fuckers. Then, of course, the Super Bowl started in the first commercial, 30-second commercials. Sean Hannity had to make sure that you know that he's on Fox News.
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If it was on NBC, they would be showing Lester Holt, and they would be talking about Rachel Maddow or whatever. They would have some kind of commercial to drive people to their properties. That's what they do. Ain't got no problem with that. That's obviously part of the game, no pun intended.
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But that Sean Hannity commercial where he's like staring at the mirror at the other, you know, news anchor and they're like, you know, oh, get ready to hit America and freedom. It's just weird. It's weird and it's overdramatic. Couldn't they have just shown like a clip from the Sean Hannity show and said, Sean Hannity, 9 o'clock on Fox, you know, like any other normal person.
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Why you got to be all weird about it, Fox? Anyway, I move on. There was the Ritz commercial with, what's that guy's name? Shannon? Michael Shannon? Do you know Michael Shannon?
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It was a Ritz Cracker commercial and Salt Bae was on it. So the whole premise was salty people. So there was Michael Shannon, who is obviously known to have a very sour face. And then the Aubrey Plaza, who also has a very sour face known as a kind of like, you know, resting bitch face. Both of them have. And then they were talking, you know, they were being miserable, essentially.
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Why are Ritz crackers so good? Why do they have to be so salty and buttery? When I smile, people think I'm breaking mirrors. Whatever he was saying. Something, kind of an unfunny punchline. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, Salt Bae shows up. And it's like, Salt Bae? Are we really paying Salt Bae to do a commercial? I...
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would be happy to do a Ritz Cracker commercial because I like Ritz Crackers. Salt Bae is just a dude who throws salt on meat. Why is he a thing? And why is he in a Super Bowl commercial?
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No shit. He got $19 million in sales. He paid $8 million for the commercial. I guess it was worth it. I guess that's a plus plus.
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Well, he did this last year, too, or a couple of years ago, too. He spent all the money on the commercial. And so he just made a commercial with his iPhone where he was sitting in a dental chair getting his new teeth. And obviously, maybe he had had some laughing gas or something because he seemed like he was kind of twisted up. And he was like, uh... Yeezy.com. Yeah. It was a little weird.
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They had no fight in them. They had no answer for what the Eagles were throwing at them. The Eagles' defense... It looked like they were playing against children. It really did. They sacked Mahomes six, seven, eight. I stopped counting after a while. Six, seven, eight times.
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I understand the point. I get it. It's supposed to be a weird, out-of-place commercial. And then you're supposed to go to Yeezy.com and buy some Yeezy clothes. I'm wearing my Yeezy. I'm wearing my Yeezy sweater, by the way. Listen, Elon Musk. On Super Bowl Sunday, limited Yeezy's account. He put a not safe for work stamp on it, which means that it then won't show up in everybody's algorithm.
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Because even Elon Musk, think about this. When Elon Musk thinks you're going crazy, you have done something wrong. Yes. He is just right. He is. It's a screed. And that screed is anti-Semitic, racist, homophobic, transphobic. It is. It just goes on and on and on and on and on. And I understand he's trolling us. But it's like, I don't know that the joke is funny anymore.
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Hello, everyone. Well, the Ball State softball team continued to play this weekend, and they were hoping to continue off of their straight three out of four losses. And so we'll take a look and see how that happened. They started off good, but then eventually the Ball State women's team shut down and ended up doing poorly. Oh, no. And we're going to continue on now.
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She apologized for her husband? Basically, yes. I wonder how Yeezy feels about that. That must be a weird relationship to be in. It has to be. Fly on the wall. Chrissy and Jeff on Naked Cooking Days, Yeezy and Bianca on any Cheesecake Factory dinner date. That's it. That's what I want to see. Mountain Dew with Seal. Oh, right. The Seal is a seal. Listen, weird, very strange.
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Seal was a seal, and he was singing about Mountain Dew, and I was, you know, like... I could be a kiss from a Mountain Dew. My flippers won't hold a Mountain Dew.
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I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. Good job, Mountain Dew. I thought it was funny.
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It was so fucked up. That in the, what was it? Is it Amazon commercial or Netflix commercial with the kid who grew a hat on his head? Oh, yeah. That's right. That made me sick to my stomach. I felt kind of queasy.
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Oh, the whipped cream. Yeah, that was weird. Yes. I thought to myself, we just talked about how Whippet has a whole secondary industry killing your children with laughing cats. And they had a commercial where the tongue came out of the mouth.
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Those two commercials. I don't know. I don't like when, like those CGI drawings of, it's just weird to me. There's a lot of this AI running around where they make the skin and the head and the bones do different things. It makes me feel a little queasy.
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I couldn't even watch that commercial. And then they had like four parts to it. So that kid with the head hat just kept on showing up. It was a little strange. WeatherTech had one of the best commercials of the night.
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This is coming from a guy who does not know the first thing about sports. And I'm telling you what, even I could tell that the Eagles were just superior to the Chiefs. It was embarrassing. I think I even texted that to you at one point.
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Yeah. Hey, listen, I didn't know that floor mats were so in demand.
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But, you know, every third person in this country owns a pickup truck. And by the way, statistic. They're needed. True. Someone wrote this one time, and I think it was 70 percent. 70 percent of pickup truck owners report never using the benefit truck. It's like, why do you have a pickup truck if you don't have a... Anyway, so I think that's what's going on.
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There's a lot of pickup trucks getting weather tech. I don't know.
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In a convertible. Yeah. So they're driving down the highway, going real slow, and then they're doing beach volleyball or something. Then they're playing bingo, and one of the ladies wins.
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She said they were like 80s or something. It was cute and it was well done. Good job, WeatherTech. I'm not going to buy your stuff, just because I don't need it. I don't own a pickup truck. Let's see. Instacart did, I think, the best nod to our generation, the Gen X people who grew up with a certain type of mascot in almost every one of the food commercials, like the Kool-Aid. What is his name?
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Mr. Clean. The Green Giant. The Green Giant. Tony the Tiger, I think, was in there. So all of those, when we were kids and we saw commercials on Saturday morning TV trying to get us to tell our parents to go buy them something, they would put a mascot, like a practical effect mascot or a cartoon mascot like Tony the Tiger or Green Bean Giant or whatever his name is.
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And those would be the commercials we would watch over and over again for years in the 80s and 90s. And so what they did is they put them all together in one commercial for Instacart. And I thought that was really well done. I liked it. Even though it was only like 30 seconds long, I thought, oh, that was cool. Snoop Dogg and Tom Brady kept on telling us to, you know, stand down, be peaceful.
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Yeah, that's right. Thanks, Snoop. Thanks, Snoop. That's all I got to say about that. Disappointed in my boy Snoop. We already talked about this, but... Matthew McConaughey was in every third commercial. And I guess this is his big money-making opportunity.
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Where he was putting together a conspiracy. Where he was saying that the Super Bowl and football in general was just a conspiracy to get us to eat more food.
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No, I don't think anyone expected it to go like that. It was clearly... I think the Chiefs were favored going into the game.
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Because the Super Bowl. And then he was talking about all the food-related... terms that are used in football and how the NFL since the beginning has been doing nothing but getting us to buy more food. And that was an Uber Eats commercial. And who else was in it? The lady who directed Barbie.
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Greta. Oh. Greta. Oh, my God. Greta Gerwig. Greta Gerwig was in that commercial, too. I thought that was an interesting commercial. It was cute. You know, it was fine.
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Google AI was the creepiest commercial of the night and the most hypocritical commercial of the night. And I'll explain why, Chrissy, if you don't mind, first here for a second. Go for it. It was a commercial where a guy is talking into his phone and obviously practicing for an interview for a job. Guy probably my age, in his 40s, right? Practicing. to do an interview.
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And so he's asking AI, you know, and AI is asking him questions and he's asking questions back and forth and they're prepping for this interview. And all of the answers that he's giving, so that AI asks, what is the hardest job you've ever had? And as he's answering those questions, very business-like, what he's actually talking about is being a father.
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So they are intertwining images of him as his children are growing up doing various things, right? So meant to tug at your heartstrings. But this thing that you're talking to is actually going to take your fucking job away. It is the most inhuman thing that you could think of. It is a little bit dangerous, a bit scary, and I understand it's cool and fun right now to play with.
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And yeah, maybe it can prep you for your next interview. But then what happens when it takes your job? Asshole. Google AI is the least...
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Oh, just a little bit? Okay. So Chrissy keeping an eye on the MGM bets there. Favored just a little bit going into it. They have the experience. They've won two in a row. They beat the Eagles in a Super Bowl two years ago. And so you just kind of think, well, they have the upper hand. And they've got Patrick Mahomes, who whether or not you like the guy, he's really good at football.
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emotional thing that i could think of it's literally a computer that's spitting out things back at you it's like mirroring humanity in a weird human voice and then they try and like tie it into the emotionality of raising children we won't be able to raise our children if ai takes all this shit away from us
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Yep. I did have a panic attack after that episode also. So much so that I'm not running that episode. I don't think I want to give everybody else a panic attack. I think I'm putting that in the can. I really do. I'd listen to it again. And first of all, just you and I, by the way, we did an episode, we reviewed the most advanced robot that is currently out there.
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And it was about as creepy as you would expect. It's got advanced AI as well as facial movements and all this other stuff. And we reviewed it and it was really just Chrissy and I going, shit, shit, shit. Yeah, it's just us having an anxiety attack live on air. Okay, one more and then we'll take a break.
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I thought that Rocket Mortgage did one of the better commercials of the night as they took John Denver's Take Me Home Country Roads They had that song tied to, you know, people doing everyday things, crying, laughing, getting hurt, helping each other, you know, raising children. So at first I thought, oh, this is a West Virginia commercial. Yeah, me too. Come home to West Virginia.
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But what it was, was come home to Rocket Mortgage. We'll buy you a house. So they play this song. You're singing it along in your head. You're like, take me home, country roads. It's like a cover of the John Denver song being sung by a choir. And so the commercial is very nice. It tugs at your heartstrings the whole nine yards. Cut the commercial.
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And then it's playing the John Denver version of the song in the Superdome. And they are showing people in the crowd singing along to it, like have their arms around each other. So the entire, you know, the Superdome is essentially singing the same song, just like you were when the commercial was. And it was like a touching moment, I thought. Like, oh, well done, Rocket Mortgage. Well done.
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Good coordination. Well done. You know, well thought out. And it worked to the effect that everybody was singing the song and having a moment together. All right. We'll take a break. We come back. We'll talk more.
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He is really good at football. He creates plays out of thin air. He can run the ball. He can pass the ball. He can twirl around. I mean, in the last quarter, there was a few flashes of brilliance from Patrick Mahomes, but that was it. I think they held him to like less than 200 yards of off. It's just insane. The numbers were insane.
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Okay, back here reviewing some of the Super Bowl commercials on a Super Bowl Wednesday. I know, Wednesday after the Super Bowl.
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Hey, you heard it here last. Why not? So we talked about the Rocket Mortgage. Okay, now let's talk about the most hypocritical commercial of the night, besides the Google AI bullshit. Yes. The personal Jesus Jesus commercial. Holy shit. Did they get this so fucking wrong? I know. In every way, shape, or form.
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Johnny Cash covered Personal Jesus on his last album where he did all cover tunes that was produced by Rick Rubin to great effect. Yeah, it was a great album. It was an incredible album. The song Hurt by Nine Inch Nails being sung by Johnny Cash is one of my opinion in the top 25 songs of all time. It is an incredibly...
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emotional and moving version of that song sung by an incredibly moved and emotional johnny cash prodded by rick rubin to almost cry during the song and you can hear it in his voice it's amazing but he also did a cover of personal jesus by depeche mode Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode is a song talking about television evangelists and the people who give money to them.
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And it is a song essentially making fun of those people, right? It's a satire is what it is. So in their infinite wisdom, whoever they are, the people who every year now put together a minute-long commercial about Jesus and going to this website to learn more about Jesus Christ, Think what you will about Jesus Christ. But even Jesus Christ would have known that personal Jesus is not about him.
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It's about the idiots who are taking your money. In the name of faith and religion. And the crazy part is that no one in the organization.
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No one in the marketing agency that they probably paid $2 million to to make that commercial. No one was wise enough to research what the meaning of the fucking song Personal Jesus was. Because Depeche Mode, I can guarantee you, did not mean to put it in a Jesus commercial. No. And where is Depeche Mode on all of this? That's a good question.
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Well, let's be real about it, too. They probably don't own the rights to the song, right? It's probably owned by, you know, whatever, BMG or Universal Music Group or some hedge fund somewhere. Scooter Von Braun or whatever his name is. Scooter. Scooter probably owns it and sold it. But yeah, Depeche Mode got a big check for, you know, using their song in that commercial.
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But it was just like at first I thought, oh, this is cool. It's showing people who are in some kind of distress being helped by somebody who is not in distress. So a police officer, a firefighter, a neighbor, someone random on the street. They're like pulling them out of a car after a car accident. talking to them while their house is burning down or whatever. It's just showing people in distress.
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These very beautiful black and white photographs mostly. And it's just a series of them as this cover of Depeche Mode's Personal Jesus is playing in the background. And at first I thought, okay, this is a really effective commercial. But as I got about 15 seconds in, I started to think, there's no way this is about Jesus.com, is it? There's no way this is the Jesus.com commercial. And it was.
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And as I mentioned yesterday on the show, I don't even know what that means, but it doesn't sound good. It just doesn't sound good. No. So while the game may have been less than entertaining after the second quarter, everything around the game was to be watched because that's what the Super Bowl is.
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Fail in every sense of the word. Besides the beautiful photography, fail in every sense of the word. Fail in the use of a cover song, fail in the meaning of the song, fail in the intent of the commercial, and fail to anyone who ever heard that phrase. Depeche Mode song and understood what it meant. We were all going, what? Really?
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They had no idea. Do you think that there's somebody getting fired this morning? Maybe. Because there must be a ton of people. I didn't see it, but there must be a ton of people online who are like, what the fuck is that all about? Tom Brady played a robot in a Duracell commercial, and I think that could not be more true. Best use of actual robots in a commercial, Tom Brady. Tom Brady.
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He is so stiff. People have been ridiculing Tom this entire year over his announcing abilities. And I also know that it, listen, I've done 700 episodes of this show, probably 800 hours of the show, and I'm not the best announcer on the microphone. I think I know what I'm doing in the studio, but I also know that it takes a long time to sharpen those edges.
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And I'm still umming and ahhing all the way through the show. So I get it. But Tom Brady yesterday, he must have said five times, four minutes and 13 seconds left in the game when it was like the second quarter. When asked, what do the Chiefs do now? Tom was like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. He was making like inside jokes at Kevin Hart, which is another celebrity that was there, by the way.
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He was just, he was kind of all over the place. And I didn't really care for his announcing style. I didn't really understand a lot of what he was saying. I don't think he was lending, besides the fact that he has been in many Super Bowls and has the ability to put himself in Patrick Mahomes' shoes. You know, you're down by a lot. What do you do?
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But he used none of that wisdom during the actual Super Bowl. that he was getting paid to talk about that exact stuff. He just didn't do it. Tom Brady is a robot. He's a robot. He needed batteries. That's all I got to say. So I thought that was a well-done commercial.
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Because I could easily see Tom Brady as a robot. No knock on Tom. He seems like a nice enough guy. Tom Brady does. You know?
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It is a ridiculous television program to entertain 100 million people with lots of commercials, dancing, and other shenanigans and dramatics. Am I right or am I wrong?
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He seems a little skinny. Like, I think Tom could have a burger or something. Doesn't he seem a little skinny? Yeah. Did he look a little gaunt to you? I'm just saying that. Okay. And so chat, GBT dots. We already talked about that. The whipped cream tongues didn't have, didn't have any care for tongues flying out of people's mouths.
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Yes. NFL did a commercial, as they always do, trying to let us know just how much good they do in the world. And they had a commercial, which I referred to as the I am somebody commercial. So it was a bunch of coaches sitting around talking to various kids of different ages, and they were cutting back and forth to these coaches, giving these pep talks.
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And some of these kids were able-bodied and some of them were disabled. And it brought me to tears, actually. I was like, wow. And they kept on screaming, I am somebody. I am somebody. I am somebody. And, you know, it was a tearjerker. And then it was like NFL, doing your community proud. Yeah, right. Okay, got it. Billion-dollar industry that can't even take care of its own players. I got it.
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You're doing great work in our society. Thanks. Appreciate it. The Much Ballyhooed Hellman's commercial with Melanie Griffin and Billy Crystal.
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Going back to the Harry Met Sally orgasm scene. Yes. Yeah. Are we to believe that Hellman's mayonnaise, which is not even the best mayonnaise, is really causing... It's my favorite mayonnaise. Is it your favorite mayonnaise? You don't like Duke's? Mm-mm. Oh, Chrissy. I know. It's a divide. What is your problem?
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It is a divide between real mayonnaise and other shit. And homogenized oil.
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I did too, and then I tried Duke's, and I never went back. I mean, not that I never went back. It's not—I will eat Hellman's mayonnaise if it's there, right? If it's the only mayonnaise available.
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What's that? How often do you eat mayonnaise? Depends on if my OCD has me in a mayonnaise cycle, right? That's true.
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That's true. Sometimes I eat a lot of mayonnaise. Sometimes I don't eat any mayonnaise. I'm not currently in a mayonnaise phase, but I could be back at it at any moment. Yeah, I've cycled it out. I want notice when you go back into the mayonnaise phase. Well, just check my refrigerator. You'll know. There'll be two of them sitting there. I got backups everywhere.
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You know, I think the early 2000s were really like the heyday. We were on the precipice of advertising greatness. And it has all fallen off a cliff since then because I didn't see one commercial except for the breast cancer commercial that I thought was. Like, yeah, the job of making my eyes open a little bit wider. Like, wow, that was a really good. Right.
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You know, OK, so besides disagreeing on mayonnaise, I will say this. I just didn't find that commercial to be funny, engaging or at all. And I understand you're not going to believe that someone's having an orgasm over mayonnaise. Billy Crystal tried his best to deliver the lines, but it was just such a trope. It felt like, oh, Hellmans, you could have done better than that.
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And Billy, well, I guess if someone paid me $100,000 to show up for 30 seconds on set, I also would do that. But I just thought it was kind of a weird commercial that didn't make any sense. Yeah, it was. Pringles had a great commercial with the mustaches flying around. I thought that was well done. Good job, Pringles. A couple points for originality.
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The mustaches came off the guys and came off the Pringles. You know, the Pringle guy with the mustache came off and was flying around. And then they flew right into like a skyscraper window like a bird would and then fell down. It was really funny, actually. The Bud Light commercial with— No, the old Clydesdales.
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No, I'm talking about the other one. That was Budweiser. Yeah. The Clydesdales.
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I love the Clydesdales. Me too. It's an American tradition. I thought this was one of the weaker commercials.
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They have had so many good commercials with the Clydesdales. They have. They're spoiled. Like the Clydesdale with the puppy, the Clydesdale going and delivering beer in the big truck. You know, like— These emotional moments that you have and this connection with the Clydesdales, which, by the way, I've seen those Clydesdales. When I went to Denver to the Budweiser plant, I saw those Clydesdales.
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They are as big as this house. They are incredibly big and beautiful. And you don't want anything to do with them.
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Yeah, they are very majestic. So I just look forward to that commercial because I always know you get a little tear jerk out of that one. But this one, not so much. It was like rolling a keg to some guy in a bar. And I didn't get it. I didn't understand it. But I was talking about the Bud Light commercial where they had... Peyton? No, Shane Gillis. Yeah, Peyton Manning. Shane Gillis.
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Who else was in it? Oh, Post Malone. Oh, right. So all of them were in the backyard and Shane Gillis was trying to keep Peyton Manning from, you know, the neighbors calling the cops or whatever. They were having a big party, essentially. A big cookout is what was going on. So I guess we've all made up with Bud Light now.
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I guess that's the point. That's the point of it. We've all made up with Bud Light. It's okay to drink Bud Light again. So, fine. It was a fine commercial. It was, you know, interesting.
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Cute. Spruce Who Let the Dogs Out, the Bill Murray email commercial I already talked about. You know, Bill Murray gave his email address, and I don't know what was going on there. You can do it. Do it yourself. Billhimselfatyahoo.com. Email it. They are going to spam you, just letting you know.
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Yeah, I'll show you a picture of it. It's a long convoluted email with bad spelling and weird hyphenation. Very strange. Did you watch the video? I did. I watched the video.
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It makes no sense. Bill Murray woke up one morning and he was a dog in the mirror. Huge fan. Didn't get it. Yeah, I didn't get it either. A huge fan to the point where Chrissy and I actually went and saw him singing terribly at a concert with his blood brothers. Of course, the meta had to make an appearance. And of course, meta hired the Kardashians to do or a Kardashian. The mom.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Well, she's not even a Kardashian. She's a Jenner. But hired her to talk about how wonderful the Ray-Ban meta sunglasses were going to be forever. Fuck you. Fuck Mark Zuckerberg. Fuck you, Kardashian. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Don't. Please don't give Kuckerberg any more ammunition. Don't. Just don't. He has ruined so much of society.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
And now we're all going to play along as people get to wear glasses that are recording every bit of humanity.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I don't know. Then it shows you that, you know, it searches things for you and it shows you the world around you. Could we separate ourselves anymore from the human experience? I'm being serious. I could see how this is cool. I understand it's cool. But Ray-Ban and Meta getting together to do the Meta Glass, fine, whatever. But don't take that money. Don't.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
There are a couple of these, like Jesus.com or whatever it was, wouldn't take their money. Meta wouldn't take their money. AI, probably not going to take their money. And they do have a lot of money, though, so maybe it might be a little. Okay, and AI, I'd take their money. But Meta, I'm not taking their money. Fuck Meta. And then to see a Kardashian in there, it's like, wow, there you go.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Two peas in a pod right there. Two people that ruined society. Mark and Kris Jenner. Kevin Costner cares. Megan 2. Why is this movie such a big deal? It's all over the place.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Why is this movie such a big deal? I don't know. Why do we care? Did we see Megan 1? It's about a dancing robot that kills people, I think. Is that what it is? Now my kids are excited to see it. They saw the commercial and they're like, oh, daddy, I want to see Megan 2. I'm like, Megan 2? What are you talking about? Megan, it's like a murdering robot, isn't it? Isn't that what it's about?
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Well, you're really shooting your shot, I guess. If you're paying $8 million for 60 seconds, you are shooting your shot. Unless you're one of these. Like, we'll go through some of the commercials in the next segment. But, you know, one of the things that I thought was strange is they told us there was going to be a lot of AI-focused commercials.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I'm already having a panic attack. Lays did, I thought, a nice commercial where they had a girl who was growing a potato plant and then she took her potato and sent it to the Lays factory, which, you know, that happens. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
That may have been why they did the commercial. I think so. Yeah, because they got to get back on the wagon and get in your belly. Homes.com must be spending a ton of money on celebrities because they had Morgan Freeman in their commercial. I can only imagine that he must be one of the more expensive voices to get. in your commercial because everyone wants Morgan Freeman's voice, right?
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
So he was in a homes.com commercial. And I just noticed that homes.com has a lot of commercials right now. They are really hitting the marketing very, very hard.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, Zillow and Realtor.com. So I think they're really just trying to kind of, I don't know, smother the market.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, get into your brain. Although, I don't know if I've ever been to Homes.com. Have you been?
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Is that what it is? Okay. All right. Hims and Hers. Oh, yeah. Let's talk about this for a second and how just terribly positioned this commercial was for a lot of different reasons. First of all, Hims and Hers shows... Talks about the conspiracy on behalf of the medical industry to keep people sick and overweight. Talks about how many Americans are overrate.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
It shows pictures of regular average Americans, most of which are overweight in the commercial. And it talks about how the medical industry wants to keep us sick so that they can sell us medicine and keep us coming back. To then be a commercial about a medical company that sells medications to keep us coming back.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
It was unbelievably tone deaf. Unbelievably tone deaf. And it shows, it was also talking about the unrealistic expectations set upon us on the media for our body types and body expectations and, you know, body image and all this other stuff.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Now, lose weight with our medications. Not the other guy's medications. Lose with our medications. Uh-huh. It's the same fucking thing. You're a same cog in the wheel. I don't understand why you're trying to convince us otherwise. Incredibly tone deaf. I have nothing against him or hers. I don't know who they are. I don't know what they do. I guess they sell GLP-1s.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Oh, call me. I'll do a sponsorship for you. Anyway, you know, okay. Great. Yeah. And then they're trying to tell us that there's unrealistic expectations about body image. I agree. No doubt about it. The camera's for me. Excuse me while I take one second to talk inside of the studio. Thank you very much. I have no doubt about it. That this is all true.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
And while there were AI-focused commercials, I didn't think they were all that brilliantly done. Like, ChatGPT had a commercial where just a bunch of dots made a bunch of pictures. It was so stupid. Right.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
That, in fact, the medical system has kind of turned itself backwards. I don't think it's a conspiracy, but I think that it's just the way that it is. To sell you the medications and, you know, not fix the problem. Because that's where the money is. Like Chris Rock said... It's on the comeback. It's not on one sale. It's on keeping you coming back. And I understand that. I'm not dumb enough.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
But does Hims and Hers understand that they are part of that process, that system?
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
So they have doctors that are prescribing you medication to keep you coming back so you stay skinny. It's insane how tone deaf this commercial was. But the very next commercial, the very next commercial is for poppy sodas. Poppy sodas, low sugar, supposed to taste like your favorite soda, but it's got low sugar and all the, you know, low carb or whatever it is.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
beautiful women skinny as can be in slinky outfits telling you that you should drink poppy soda to keep those unrealistic expected to keep those bodies unrealistically skinny it was crazy that Fox did not separate these two commercials that no one in at Fox after having gotten 16 collective million dollars from these two companies didn't think for one second to check how the continuity would go
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
You would think that would be one of the things that someone has to check, right? Yeah, I guess. I just, I watched it and I was like, holy shit.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, it's true. I mean, listen, no one accused any of those big networks of being smart. But at the same time, if I'm Poppy or if I'm hims and hers, I'm upset the next morning that these two commercials ran back to back. Because one is talking about how, you know, media and the health industry is just trying to keep you sick and make you live up to unrealistic expectations.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
uninteresting that i don't know what the point was why did we do that chat gpt i thought a lot of them were like that where i was like what what did that mean well yeah woody harrelson and matthew mcconaughey are in you know 12 of the 64 commercials yeah okay we get it they're buddies what does it have to do with ai i'm not really sure i mean i think there was some narrative going on there but i really didn't get it and then matthew mcconaughey is in every single commercial that they have like
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
While the next commercial wants you to live up to those unrealistic expectations. It's crazy. Yes. That was the dumbest thing that Fox did all night. I have tried poppy sodas.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, I've tried them. Listen, I don't, you know, everybody claims they taste, you know, it's like soda, the soda maker and all these. They all claim that they taste like your favorite soda.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah. But I don't know if they taste like your favorite soda. That's all I'm saying. I guess that's left up to interpretation. Yeah. And I don't have anything against poppy. We actually have some in the refrigerator right now. It's fine. Whatever. Cool. Yeah. It's carbonated soda that essentially tastes a little bit like maybe your favorite soda, but not all the way bit.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Like a little bit, not all the bit. You know what I'm saying? Okay. It's not a... If you really are dying for a Coca-Cola, there is nothing else that's going to replace that taste except for Coca-Cola. None of those spritzy spray stream things that you have at home. None of those sodas that are low carb, low sugar. Coke Zero is not going to do it for you. Coca-Cola is what you want.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
It's a taste that humans are born. I think humans are born wanting Coca-Cola. They know the taste. Yes. A Pepsi's not going to cure that. Nothing's going to cure that. RC Cola, not even going to come close. If you want a Coca-Cola, drink a Coca-Cola. And I'm not a cuck for Coca-Cola. I'm just saying that's the way it is. Same with Sprite.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
There's a lot of Sprite imitators out there, Chrissy, but none of them taste like Sprite. That's all I have to say. What did you think about the commercial?
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
You thought they were so-so? Yeah. Yeah? Well, listen.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah. I don't think there was any standout commercial where it was like, that was the best commercial.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah. But I did think the breast cancer commercial was excellent to raise awareness. It showed bouncing boobs. It showed famous scenes from movies that have boobs. It did everything but show an actual naked boob. It was all boobs.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, we got that. Ye took care of it. No problem. Thanks, Yeezy. We appreciate it.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Check your ta-tas. Men and women. The only thing it didn't do was show a man and his boobs, and I wish they would have, because men also can die from breast cancer. True. I don't think a lot of guys know that. But check your ta-tas. Everybody, check your ta-tas. Go get your ta-tas checked out. That's the most important message of the night, I think, quite frankly.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
That and Taylor Swift, maybe on the backside of her very... Wonderful two-year run, 23-24. Okay. I'd like to thank Ari Shafir, who came in yesterday. Tuesday's TCB infomercial was Ari. Please do yourself a favor. Go watch his new Netflix special, America's Sweetheart. Available right now. It's out. You can go watch it. AriShafir.com for tour tickets and all the good stuff about Ari.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
You can go check that out. I'll put a link in the show note. All week long in the show notes. Ari. Also, we'd like you to get in touch with us, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, we're taking them all right there. Text message or leave us a voicemail if you want to be on the next episode of The Commercial Break. Who knows? Maybe we'll use your voice.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Just be mindful about what you say at The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. For all of the episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio, please subscribe, like, and comment on your favorite video. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Best to you. Best to you. Fuck your Starlink idea. Until next time, we always say. We will say. We do say. Goodbye.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Oh, okay. Yeah, Jeep. All right, good for you, Jeep.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Oh, Matthew McConaughey is a Jeep guy? Oh, I thought he was a Buick dude. I don't know. I thought he was a Lincoln Continental dude.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, wasn't he? Yeah. Wasn't he driving around that Lincoln? Now it's Jeep. Saying things like, I keep getting older, and they say the same age.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
The Ladies Cardinals will play an Iowa tournament starting this Friday. Before the Ball State baseball team kicks off its conference season this weekend, the Cards will battle an in-state rival, Indiana, tomorrow. Tomorrow's game will be the meeting between the two, beating both.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I'm going to let you think about it. I'm going to let you stir here for a second.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
It's not Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Do you know it? No. Dazed and Confused. That's right. Dazed and Confused. One of the great movies of the 90s, for sure.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
It does. Only American Graffiti was set in the 50s and this was set in the 70s. But I get what you're saying. I understand. It's like kind of a one night out type of, you know, riding around in cars and chasing girls and all that other stuff. Okay. I get it. Anyway, I thought that the Super Bowl was overdramatic and overproduced on behalf of Fox, but that's what Fox does.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
That's what Fox has been doing since Fox came on air. They just have a certain flair for the dramatic. They do things different than the other networks do. Not good or bad or indifferent. It just is what it is. They had the whole opening with Lady Gaga, which I thought it was touching. I didn't know why we had to have all of the football commentators surround her. I think it would have been more...
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
prescient, if that would have been police officers or firefighters or people in the military, people that are real heroes, because the song is about, you know, something. The song was about something. Something sad.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yeah, it was right on Bourbon Street. Yeah, they were doing it right on Bourbon Street. How they got Bourbon Street closed like that, I don't know. So Astrid said, you know, oh, that was, you know, do you think they did that live? And I'm like, fuck no, they didn't do that live. They probably did that at three in the morning when they could close down Bourbon Street.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Because I would bet you dollars to donuts that none of those bars would agree to close. days or the day of the Super Bowl? No way. When the Super Bowl's in New Orleans, those people are making hand over fist cash on liquor unless Fox just paid them a dickload of money.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
But my interpretation would have been that they probably did that really early in the morning or really late at night and had a crowd show up to do that. I thought it was a little weirdly positioned with all the football commentators, but the song was beautiful and the point was taken and I understood. So I thought, oh, okay, all right, a little shout out. Then they did a God Bless America.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
And then John Batiste. He's great. I love him. He is an incredible musician. He is an incredible musician. And then they had Harry Connick Jr. come out, and he did a little, you know, let's get this party started kind of thing. And I thought all of that was very New Orleans.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I think they did a good job of adding the flavor of New Orleans into the actual production. They then had some very famous college marching bands that came out and did their thing. Yep. That was a very New Orleans thing to do, too. So I think they did a good job of representing New Orleans. I will say that. Yeah. But just, you know, a touch of the dramatic, like a touch of the dramatic.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Dramatic for Fox, but I get it. That's what Fox does, and that's what Fox needs to do. And let us not forget... The game is secondary to the entertainment value that it's providing. The point is to keep you hanging around during the commercials.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
And they have done a good job, the Super Bowl collectively and the NFL in general, has done a good job of making this a spectacle you must watch regardless of who's playing and regardless of what the score is. You have to watch for the commercials.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
And the halftime show. which was Kendrick Lamar, which I thought was fine. I thought it was good. I know there was a lot of messaging going on in there. I only, and I'm just being honest about this, I only got some of that messaging after I read about it on social media. But Kendrick is great. He's a super entertainer.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
He's out there in the middle of the Superdome with 12 layers of clothes on in full gloves. I mean, I understand it's a style he's got going on, but that dude was sweating. Yeah. Yeah, you're under those lights and you're wearing like that, the two heavy coats and gloves and these big boots. I mean, that must have been a lot to go out there and shake it like that for a long time.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
But I thought that the Super Bowl halftime show was fine. It was fine.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I am getting too old. How did my brain just fart and not see Serena Williams? I watched the entire thing pretty intently, and I didn't see Serena Williams, not once.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Oh, was she glammed out? Was she one of the dancers?
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Gotcha. Yeah, well, I missed it too, and I was watching pretty intently, so there you go. And then, you know, so I thought, obviously, the Super Bowl is a very polished... They had a lot of celebrities there. They did a good job of showing the celebrities, but not being overly heavy on, you know, showing the celebrities.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I think Fox and the NFL in general have probably learned that showing Taylor Swift after every play that Kelsey is involved in is bad news. Trump was there. He admittedly got a rousing applause from the crowd at the Superdome. And then they showed Taylor about 30 minutes later and she got a rousing boo from the crowd.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
It sounded like it, didn't it? It really did. Yeah, it sounded like it. Now, maybe that's because the Chiefs fans have been blessed with two appearances and two wins already, and it's kind of perfunctory at this point. Maybe they didn't show up. Maybe they were like, oh, we've already, you know... If you're apt to go to see the Chiefs win a Super Bowl, you probably have already done that.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
If you have extra $12,000 to drop, you probably went to one of the last two. And when you think of Philadelphia, the Eagles fans do like a good party. And New Orleans is where a good party is. So they're probably getting out of the cold, coming down to the New Orleans, sitting in the soup for a couple of days, and then going and watching their team absolutely kick the shit out of the Chiefs.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I don't think Travis Kelsey had one catch. Did he have one? Maybe at the end?
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
But it was bad. Patrick Mahomes rendered useless during the game, basically. And then the celebrities that were there, they had... I saw Kevin Costner next to Pete Davidson, which I thought was a funny combo. Yeah. Seriously. Pete Davidson, I like. I like Pete Davidson. I have a newfound respect after watching him do stand-up because he was really good at it. He was very funny.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
mad at you now. We're not friends anymore. Jurassic Park 17 is coming out with Scarlett Johansson, and I couldn't be less excited if you asked. If you tried to make me less excited about something, I couldn't be less excited about Starlink. I'm still stuck on it. I'm sorry. If you use Starlink, God bless you. If you're listening to me on Starlink, God bless you. God bless you.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
And that is not what Pete Davidson is known for. He's not known to be a stand-up comic. He was really good at it. I thought he did an excellent job. But to see Kevin Costner... First of all, in every commercial talking about freedom in America and all of us have won together and all this other bullshit, he's just such a cuck. And I don't know. Kevin Costner, I'm not a huge fan of right now.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
But then to see him next to Pete Davidson was an odd couple. It was, though.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Pete Davidson is drugged out, tattooed, you know, got a stoner character. And Kevin Costner is the opposite of whatever that is. Kevin Costner is the kind of guy that if you borrow $5 from him, he will remember it six years later. Do you know what I'm saying? I just imagine that's who he is.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Yes, that's how I imagine Kevin Costner. He's got a spreadsheet like my dad does. You owe me $5. Where's that $5? When do I get the $5? You told me you would have it to me last week. There are two kind of people in this world, let's admit it.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
There are the kind of people who remember you owe them money and the kind of people who understand that you borrowed it because you don't have any in the first place. So you're probably not giving it back. And I like the other, I like the second part better than I like the first ones. I'm just sharing that with everybody. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Kevin Costner is the first. He's the guy who remembers you owe him $5. I don't like that. And Pete Davidson is no shit, the second kind. Not because Pete is irresponsible with cash or doesn't care whether or not you pay him back. He doesn't remember, okay? That's Pete Davidson. So Pete and Kevin Costner were sitting together. I don't know who was in Taylor's box.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
I couldn't see who was in Taylor's. Some other famous people were in Taylor's box. I think she was sitting with the Kelsey family also. Maybe that was Kelsey's sister.
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Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
Oh, Brittany Mahomes. Okay. All right. And then I saw that Paul Rudd was there.
The Commercial Break
Starlink & Superbowl Stink!
With Paul McCartney and Adam Sandler. That's a box where I think I would have enjoyed. Yeah, that seems like a fun box. Adam Sandler, Paul Rudd, a Chiefs fan. He looked like he was in a lot of dismay. Who were the other celebrities that were there? Who else did we see? Hold on one second. I took notes, actually. I don't know why I'm just trying to guess when I took a bunch of notes.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Yeah, there's probably a lot of incriminating stuff out there.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I get ass. Oh, yeah. Cats and kittens. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Why not get in front of a national or worldwide audience?
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Oh, my God. So she's back looking for more, but just not too big.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I expect you to mutilate yourself if I'm going to get mutilated.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I don't know. Why do you have one tattoo right up there and it's faded?
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
He just didn't make it by the time he was going to be on national TV.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Maybe we can get it to where they go up one more level.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Can we just go up one more? Can we go to their chest now?
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Hey, can you move a million pounds into my wealth? Holy shit, I just saw your penis on national television. Did you just helicopter your penis? Did you just helicopter your penis? Oh, well, I haven't been sure.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Or a deer, I guess. I don't know. Maybe he'll explain. Yeah, I hope so.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
The victory V. The victory V. Victory is for vagina. V is for victory in your vagina.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
How is this even possible? He's been with her for a long time.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I thought that maybe they got married, but they've been together for a long time.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
And keep walking so we can get a hot shot of your ass. Baker. Actually, Jess isn't getting any of my cream today.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Maybe. Yeah, maybe there's a little makeup that goes in certain places.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I wonder if they have to keep that studio really warm.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Now they do show the... Or they meet. Drop your drawers! They be globes.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I know some things, but I couldn't really hear it. I fully expect you would know things because of your love of Britain.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Oh, I mean, you've got to love The Matrix. I love Point Break, too.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
Okay. He was also doing a million other movies at that point.
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Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
I think he's still around, but maybe he just made enough money.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
No, I thought she was with somebody else. That's her. I don't know. She was with somebody else, I think.
The Commercial Break
Hit 'Em With The Helicopter
The girl at the gas station. That guy with the small penis.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
But I think at the end of the day, Frankie B is like the gold ring of getting in.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
That's right. Don't meet your heroes. I have asked a guy to come on. who made the rounds over the summer. I think the popularity has faded because I don't see as many of his reels out there now. But he's a guy who makes music, and he sings songs about his ex-girlfriend, but his voice is not good. The music is not great. It's very nonlinear.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
But the problem is, all of that stuff, I think you could auto-tune your way into something. The lyrics that he writes are not really lyrics. They're like conversations that he's had with his ex-girlfriend. He'd be like, you know, I broke up with you or you broke up with me because you said we didn't do fun stuff. But that one night I was on the couch with you.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
We were watching Netflix and it was really great because Love is Blind is our favorite show. Not a bit of irony. The guy was not joking. This wasn't a joke. This was like he was singing these songs, but he was just talking like the lyrics were just him talking. And everybody went crazy. I mean, he had hundreds of thousands of views on these videos and these songs.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
And I tried desperately to get him on. But I think at the end of the day, he probably listened to the show and was like, yeah, I'm not going on to be made fun of. That's not going to happen. There's lots of Internet. I mean, I think Hawk to a girl would be someone that I would bring on the show, though she's not obscure. She's pretty popular. She's pretty famous. Let's put it that way.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
But I would love to get in her head. Because Hawk to a girl, let's – or who's the girl who does the – what's her name? The girl that does the crazy dancing and drinking that I – I don't know. Anyway, you get it.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
Yeah, but there's one specifically we've been talking about a lot, but now I can't remember her name because we haven't talked about her in a while. We haven't talked about her in a while. Haktua Girl, I think, would be an interesting internet celebrity.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
Well, I'd just like to dig into not only what a shit show Haktua Coin was and all the things that she is hocking as Haktua Girl from, you know, beats on a beats website. Like, she literally has her own beats. Oh, really? She makes her own beats like drops to the altcoin, to the meme coin, to the t-shirts.
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
Well, she has been talking about it. She showed back up and she did a...
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
podcast her own podcast where she brought on some people to grill her about this and she there was no nothing else was answered she didn't she just kind of dodged all the questions but even the people who were there as you know crypto experts were like dude this was a total rug job like you you really screwed a lot of people here but I what I think is more interesting the angle that is more interesting is what it's like to get so famous so fast and
The Commercial Break
The Great Wolf Mayhem!
And how you handle that. She got an agent at WME, and then they signed her to a big podcast deal. And this all happens basically overnight. She goes from complete obscurity to someone that everybody knows. And that's got to be a hard thing to do. Okay, so that's all the listener questions about the commercial break. But now, here, let me give you one. That is a relationship question.
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This is Brad, I guess is his name. My girlfriend talks in her sleep. And a couple of nights ago, she had a full-blown romantic conversation. Oh, no. His name isn't Brad. Excuse me. He doesn't give his name. She had a full-blown romantic conversation with a guy named Brad. I don't know who Brad is. She swears she has no idea who he is.
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But now I am stuck wondering, do I confront her about the dream boyfriend or just accept that I am in a weird love triangle with her subconsciousness? That is an interesting question.
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Yeah, true. First of all, I'm going hunting on all of her social media for Brad connections, right? That is happening for sure.
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Yeah, if there is a guy making a repeat appearance, then he definitely is in her head. And for some reason, you might want to dig in. And listen, you can't control your subconsciousness. As much as I'd like to say that I have never dreamed about another woman since I met Astrid, that's not true, right? Because, and I can't control it.
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Yes. When I first met Astrid, when Astrid first came here to live with me, we got married. I had a series of dreams over the course of a month about Lisa Kudrow from Friends. Oh, you did?
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And I was so – it was as if Lisa Kudrow and I had actually had sex.
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And I was so weirded out. I could not get her out of my head. And I got to be honest, I wasn't a huge Friends watcher when it came out. I have not done the rewatch. I've probably seen a lot of episodes by default because it's been everywhere forever. But Lisa Kudrow is the last of the girls. Yeah, it was not the one. It was Jennifer Aniston every time.
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I mean, and I wasn't even all that attracted to Courtney Cox, but she might be the second. It's not that Lisa wasn't attractive. Of course she was. But something in my brain turned Lisa Kudrow into the world's sexiest woman. but not Lisa Kudrow now or Lisa Kudrow, the actress, the girl from friends, Phoebe, right? She was Phoebe. It was Phoebe and that smelly cat.
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And we were having sex like multiple times in my dreams. And it was really weird. And I could not get it out of my head for a couple of weeks. This went on. So you can't control your subconscious. Obviously I'm not sleeping with Lisa Kudrow, but you know, or Phoebe, either of them. Uh, I wish I could, uh, I will tell you right now that I don't think you can control your subconscious.
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So if she's telling you that I don't know who Brad is and I have no idea why I'm saying his name, I'd take that on face value and just, you know, run with that, right?
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Yeah, that's right. Unless she brings home some of her coworkers and Brad shows up at the front door. Hey, I'm Brad. Yeah. I work in the office next to your wife. Then you might have some problems. But okay. All right, listen. We got to get Betty on the phone. Betty works for or worked for, we'll get some clarity on that, for the Great Wolf Lodge. She's got a few stories to share with us.
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These may be cautionary tales. I'm telling you what. By the way, I'm not trying to poo-poo on the Great Wolf Lodge. It's a great place to take the kids and kill a day or two or whatever it is. But... We all know what goes on. And let's not try and pretend Great Wolf Lodge is something that it's not. And I've told you about my story. I'd like to hear about other people's experiences.
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Especially an insider. An insider. Someone that works there. So let's take a break. And when we get back, we'll talk more about it.
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And taking a listener phone call now, Betty from the Midwest is here with us.
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Hey. Well, thanks for calling in. We certainly do appreciate it. Betty was texting us because Betty was explaining that at one time she actually worked for Great Wolf Records.
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The inside scoop on the Great Wolf Lodge. And I said, you have to call in because I have to hear more about the inner workings of the Great Wolf Lodge, one of my least favorite vacations that I've ever taken. But it wasn't the worst vacation I've ever taken, that's for sure.
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But you've got to understand, as an adult with small children, it was a little strange to see full-grown adults sitting at the bar boozing themselves greatly to great effect while – While everybody else ran around, you know, peeing in the pool.
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Okay, text us your address and then Astrid will be happy to send you some pictures. I mean, some stickers and pictures. Astrid likes to send listeners pictures, but maybe you're not her flavor. I don't know. How long have you been listening to the show?
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Oh, when we were 15 episodes in? You're kidding me. Thank you for sticking with us. Wow, Betty, I had no idea that you were listening for that. I had no idea anybody was listening for that.
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Yeah, we figured people had turned over many times. Wow. No, I stuck around. Okay, so how long did you work with the Great Wolf Lodge? I mean, how long have you been associated with the Great Wolf Lodge?
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You're on your sixth year. And let's start with this question. Do you think people are absolutely the worst after working for the Great Wolf Lodge for six years?
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So in other words, when you're interacting with just one person, they tend to be nice. But when a group of people is together, they're dismissive. And the group think mentality takes over and people start becoming real shitheads. Is what I experienced at the Great Wolf Lodge also.
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Is that everything just kind of went wild. Yes. Like they went wild when they couldn't get their pizza in five minutes, but it was everybody working everybody else up is really what was going on. What is it?
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Yeah, I think it's, you know, I think it's well documented group think mentality takes over and people, you know, one person gets irritated. It can let energy can literally pass on to the next person.
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So it does. So tell me, give me like a little slice of some of the experiences that you've seen from the Great Wolf Lodge that would make us all turn our stomachs.
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Okay. Why don't you do this? Why don't you give us one? Let's do it in this order and we'll see if we have enough time to get through three. Why don't you go gross, Karen, we'll end it on a high note with wholesome.
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Oh, God. This sounds like, you know, Venice after flooding. This is like, this sounds really fucking gross. So, Betty.
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Oh, the carpets are terrible. Oh, no. A carpet. I said this the second that I walked into that place. It had carpeting, which, in general, in hotel rooms, I have learned... You know, it used to be that when I was a kid and we got to a hotel room, it was the best thing in the world. The smell of chlorine and bleach and the pool. Like, something about a hotel just got all of us brothers so excited.
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We loved to stay at a hotel room. We take our shoes off and run around the hotel room like every kid would. But now.
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And I'm trying not to pass this germophobia onto my kids. But now when they take their shoes off in a hotel room, I'm kind of like, put your shoes back on. Put a socks on or something. Because I know. Socks. Socks. I know just like every other adult knows that that carpet, if that hotel is more than a year old, has seen all kinds of DNA on it. All kinds of DNA. And I don't want to do with it.
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So, it's a crime scene. I bet. I bet. So, was management alerted quickly? Was the situation taken care of quickly? Or did it take some time to figure out what had happened? Or was the security keeping an eye on these boys?
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Oh, my God. Your poor coworker. Your poor coworker. These are the people.
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But now, and I'm trying not to pass this germophobia onto my kids, but now when they take their shoes off in a hotel room, I'm kind of like, put your shoes back on. Put a socks on or something. Because I know. Socks. Socks. I know just like every other adult knows that that carpet, if that hotel is more than a year old, has seen all kinds of DNA on it. All kinds of DNA.
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Oh, my God. I just can't even think of the minutia. Those little shitheads. Those little fucking twats.
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Oh, that's the worst. You know, I don't... Like, sometimes when you're on a road trip and you stop at the rest stop, you know, generally, if the rest stops are maintained, generally, there's like a 24-hour maintenance person that's there that's cleaning. God bless those human beings who are doing that because that is the worst of the worst. But what gets me...
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Every time I go to a truck stop or a rest stop or whatever it is, what gets me is not that people shit, that it smells bad or whatever. That's everybody shits. It's stuff on the walls. It's the shit on the walls. And I'm like, how did you, how possibly could you have gotten it up there? How did that happen? You have to purposefully be aiming in that direction or something. I don't know.
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Because I have never been one that has ever thought about shooting shit on a wall. It's fucking disgusting.
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They're like little monkeys. They are little monkeys, 10-year-olds. So did those kids get kicked out of the Great Wolf Lodge? Was there any conversation with the boy? Because I imagine if security has it on camera, then you have an idea of who did it, right? You see their picture.
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Yeah, but this is the best story they've ever told as a 10-year-old. They're all running around school telling the story about the time little Timmy shit on the wall of the skee-ball machine in Great Wolf Lodge. Can I ask you a question while we're on pee-pee-poo-poo? Yes. How clean are those pools? Is it like the people who work there, do they have a general understanding?
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I mean, I understand there's a ton of chlorine in those pools, like a ton. You can smell it. It burns your nose, right? And I'm sure they keep those chlorine levels at such high levels that no bacteria could survive more than a couple seconds. But how many times a day do little kids shit in the pool?
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No, you can't drain a pool. You've got to just get it out of there. Cycle it. Yeah, put chemicals in it and cycle it.
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No, of course not. This isn't Caddy Shack. When you have an AFR, an accidental fecal release... I'm just – Tina's laughing so hard. When you have an accidental fecal – it's making me laugh. When you have an accidental fecal release in one – so the Great Wolf Lodge that I came to here or went to here in Georgia, there is the wave pool. There is the kid pool. There is the water slides.
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I'm sure they're all very similar in that sense. When you have an AFR in one pool, does everybody have to get out to the entire Great Wolf Lodge water park? Does everybody just have to leave? Or just that pool? It's just that pool?
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Okay. And they all have their separate filtration systems. Okay. Okay, good. Okay, that's all right. All right. Somebody's somebody's working on it. Listen, you know, it wasn't the most like I and I think I mentioned this on the show where I talked about my experience with Great Wolf Lodge. It wasn't the messy place. It was well kept.
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It was just no seeing some of the people that were running around in there. One 10 year old boy running around literally with his ass hanging out in the water. I was like, I'm in ass water right now. That's what I'm in. I'm in ass water. I'm in somebody else's asshole water right now. And that kind of skeeved me out a little bit.
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Has Great Wolf Lodge ever considered putting that chemical in the pool that turns pee a different color? No. I don't know. That would be a good idea. I don't know.
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It's real. You can get that. You can get it at the pool store. But it doesn't work in all circumstances and it has to be at high levels of concentration. You can put it in the pool and it'll stay there for like 30 minutes. But then it eventually gets filled. The chlorine overtakes it and whatever. I don't know. There's some technical shit. Okay. That is a pretty disgusting story.
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I'm thoroughly grossed out. I hate pee-pee-poo-poo and I definitely dislike puke. And God bless the people who have... Do you hear me, listener? I don't imagine anybody at TCB who's listening to TCB. I like to think of our listeners as a very pragmatic, common sense, kind people who aren't adding to the drama of the universe.
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But if there's one of you out there, or you have little shitheads, you have little yous that are running out there acting like you... Can you please put a cap on the bullshit? Because somebody out there in the universe has to clean up after your little chitlins. And no one wants to clean pee-pee-poo-poo off of the skee-ball machine. No one. But that's somebody's job. That is somebody's job.
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Yeah, I would think so. It always gets me that like the people who do the most amount of work for us in the service industry are the people who are likely to get paid the least. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm not complaining because I was a bartender, but bartenders can bring home 100, 200, $300, maybe more in a night, depending on what restaurant you're in.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chrissy Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on yet another episode of The Commercial Break. Hey, listen. I want to make today all about listeners.
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And we're just talking to hot chicks and making cocktails all night long, right? But the guy who's cleaning – the busboy who's cleaning up all the tables and the bathrooms and all that other stuff is making like 10 percent of our tips, right? It always seemed a little bit – I guess that's just the way of the world. Okay. So tell us – I don't want to go on a tangent, not while you're here, Betty.
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But I guess I have no one to blame but myself. No, you're good. Okay, so now tell us a Karen story, because God, do I love Karen stories.
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Oh, God. We might do both of them. Okay, do the Christian boys first. Let's do Christian boys first.
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Oh, my God. I'd be mad. I'd be so mad if this was happening.
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Yeah. Or a child or whatever. It's just rude behavior. Or it could break something. Of course.
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Listeners, listeners, listeners. You, the listeners. I want to waste no time.
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I bet this happens every day at Grateful Wolf Lodge, that there is a group of shitty children, and the parents are just as shitty. Yeah, they're just as shitty. They're just not paying attention. If my son is throwing food in a public area, if one of my kids is doing that, I'm going to yank a knot.
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I'm going to jerk that knot right out of their tail, and they're going to be up in the room for the rest of the vacation.
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It's listener appreciation day. That's right. We're going to be having a listener call in later. One of our first listeners that's ever called in. I know. I am excited, too. We've been texting, interacting for a while. I'm interested to find out how long she's been listening to the show. But she texted us for the first time after she heard my story about the Great Wolf Lodge. Nice.
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So now they have four of them in each one of the, you know, there's whatever, 10 or 12 kids. Yeah, and four kids in each section?
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So I can only imagine the doors are just stuck because these shitheads keep, you know, there's four of them in there and they can't not.
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They've gone too far. It's enough. Yes. Where are the parents? Where are the parents? There are no parents. Exactly. Where's the chaperone? And now they're causing drama and inconveniencing and making other people upset because no one is there to tell them how to act like fucking human beings.
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Because she is an employee or was employed by the Great Wolf Lodge. Not the same one that I went to, but there's a series of them throughout the country.
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Yeah, and she was throwing a bunch of stories out there. And, you know, between me, Astrid, and Christina, who I think interacted with her once or twice. I think interacted with her once or twice. It kind of bubbled up to the top for me, and I was like, oh, yeah, I would like to hear it. I'd like to hear straight from the horse's ass exactly the kind of shenanigans that are going on.
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No way. Of course they were. Of course they were. Because they have no rules. They are lawless little children. I don't know how you feel about this, Betty. But I think that when kids get sheltered in one way, they have to act out. They don't know how to behave. They don't have the place, the time, the...
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appropriate venue to get that kind of energy out so they don't know how to act when they get out in public because they're so sheltered in other parts of their life. I can only imagine, right?
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Oh, yeah, that too. Yeah, you have the right to do this. They're not told no. They're not told no. Do you get this? I can't... First of all, you're an angel. You're an angel. I mean, I know you're doing this for money and you're doing this to feed your family or feed yourself or whatever.
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But at the end of the day, I can't even imagine what it's like to work at one of those places in a time when there's such entitlement. And there's so little pushback on some types of behavior. As a matter of fact, people at the highest levels of our society are acting like these children are acting. No rules, no guardrails, no law, nothing.
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And so everybody, when you can't even point to anybody in our society and say, behave like that, then where are the examples? It's certainly not here on the commercial break, that's for sure. Yeah.
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Okay, hold on. Betty, we're going to take a short break, and then when we come back, then we will. I want to hear the wholesome story. We're going to pull this on to another.
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Well, we've got the other Karen story, and we've got a wholesome story. I don't know if we'll have time for both, but give us one second. We're going to take a break. Okay. And then we'll be back.
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I know she does. So that later on in the show. But first, it's been a minute since we did an Ask TCB. So I thought now was a great time to do an Ask TCB. In the meantime, look at how cute one of my daughters is.
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Okay, so Betty, so what I want you to do is I don't know if we have time for both stories. We may have to follow up with Betty because you know what?
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Let's update the Great Wolf Lodge situation. Let's see how shitty humans have gotten since the last time we talked about it. Because you only really will understand just how the depravity of some people in this – that are walking amongst us if you talk to the people whose responsibility is to go around cleaning up their fucking shit. That's it. Literally, their fucking shit. Literally. Right.
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Yeah. And that's it. Or work amongst that, you know, people at their worst, so to speak. And my opinion is, and I've said this many times on the show before, restaurants and people who work in the service industry see people at their worst for a number of reasons. At a hotel and a resort like Betty works at, you see people 24 hours a day and a whole cycle, right? Yeah.
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you see people you're gonna act with them for two or three minutes so they're on their best behavior but when you see somebody at over the course of a day then and on vacation then you catch them at their worst or when they're eating because you have to do it three times a day everybody is picky about what they eat everybody has to guzzle down food and so when you work in a restaurant or cleaning up after people who are in a restaurant then you see the worst of people because people for some reason when it comes to food they just they're we're animals we're absolute animals
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So God bless you, first of all, Betty. Second of all, let's end this on a high note and tell us a wholesome story.
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Mine. You don't get to see it, listener. Mine. That's mine. We're going to keep my kids out of it for right now. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's the best idea, actually.
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Okay, so hold on one second. So let me explain to those who are listening because my kids did this also. Oh, okay, yeah. In the middle of what she's calling Mean Street where all the retail and restaurant and— Adventure Park. Yeah. And the adventure park is they have a like a place where you can pan for gems. They give you a bag. It's full of rocks, mud and sand.
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And then you put it in a pan and you sift it like you were sifting for gold, so to speak. But it's just like a little it's a couple of wood canals that are made coming from a water fountain down into a pool. Right. OK, so go ahead.
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That's how they get an extra $100 on you. Yes, I saw it. Yes. I told my kids no. I'm like, no, I'm not doing that.
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I do, but I try to, I don't think I've, maybe once or twice I've said a name. I don't give the ages. You don't even know how many children I really have. No. And I'd prefer to stay that way. Thank you very much.
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I do. Just say that. I do. I have a gaggle. Okay, so let's give some shout-outs to some listeners and let's answer their questions. What I have done is I have put together a series of questions that are specific to you and I, like about the minutiae of the show, about the actual commercial break. And I thought, oh, that's a good one.
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This is what gives me the smallest, things like this give me the smallest amount of faith in some of humanity. Because Betty, whose responsibility it is,
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is to literally clean up after you like you're your mother like she's your mother right and she cares so much about the people who are coming in and out of the place where she works that they have a good time that they don't hurt themselves that it puts a smile on their face so she's willing to take money out of her own pocket to make sure that a father and a daughter have an experience that's not dangerous and that that can like the kid wants i know this because i have the kids that of this age like they want to do this and if they can't do it then to them the world is ending right
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Right. So giving, lending to that experience, allowing it to happen is the best thing in the world to the kid. And then to the father, it's like, oh, I don't have to deal with a total meltdown because you can't put batteries in the water, the fountain at Great Wolf Lodge. Wow.
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Our listeners are much better humans than we are, Chrissy. I just have to say that right now. For sure. All right, Betty, I want to end this on a high note. We don't have a ton of time, but I will tell you this. We will be calling you back. Save the second wholesome story. Save the second Karen story. Maybe we check in with you in a month. Continue to collect stories. I would love to have you back.
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You're really our first listener caller, except for Will the Champ. Will the Champ. who called in very early on. And I can say, I think this one was a winner.
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I love it, Betty. Well, Betty, long-time listener calling in to give us the skinny on just how terrible all of you are out there. Do better, people. Yeah, do better, people. But we do have to say there is faith in humanity because for every shitty 10 to 13-year-old boy that's out there making life miserable for people like Betty, there's a Betty to make life better. For all of us.
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So I put a couple of them together that have come over the years.
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So, Betty, thank you very much. Best to you, Betty. Best to you.
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We will text you and we will check in shortly. Absolutely. Thanks again, Betty. Well, I have to say, I think having a listener, you know, I've always been very fearful of having listeners on. And here's the reason why, even though I encourage people to call and leave a voicemail, there's a reason why I encourage them to call and leave a voicemail is because then We can edit it.
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She brought the drama. She brought the stories that were good. I cannot... I'm still trying to get over how four 10-year-olds... I couldn't... Listen, I did a lot of shitty stuff as a 10-year-old. I put pixies... And I'm one of these kids. I am one of these kids. I'm not going to pretend like I wasn't.
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Yeah, after five years, we're finally catching on. First and foremost, it's kind of cold in here, so let me turn off the air conditioning.
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Pixie straws. Pixie dust. I put that like 30 of those in an air conditioner in a hotel room on a field trip. And then I turned the air conditioner on along with a number four, three other 10 year old boys. We did that kind of stuff.
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And one of the kids threw a pizza up on the wall. Like we had a leftover pizza. You know, they ordered a bunch of pizzas and we had an extra one. It was like, you know, the vegetable pizza or whatever. And he took it and he threw it up onto the ceiling. It like stuck on the ceiling. But I will tell you what.
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The adult, we, first of all, we realized the error of our ways in the morning and tried to clean up it. Tried to clean up it. We tried to clean up it. Clean up it, I will. Clean up it, you will. Yeah, sure. Peter throw on what he did.
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But I will tell you what, the adults that were around us were going to be goddamned if they were going to allow us to leave that hotel without every inch of it being cleaned up.
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The entire class had to wait for 90 minutes while the maid came up, or the person who was cleaning, the cleaning lady, came up, brought her little cart, and we had to take the cleaning solutions, the vacuums, and everything, and do it ourselves.
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Well, now that I can feel it on my feet now, and that's always pretty annoying when my feet get cold, you know?
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the way to do it and and it was clean it was as if no one had ever even stepped foot in that room when it was done because the adults that were with us made sure of it and had they been or understood been there or understood what we were doing at that moment we would have been fucked we would have been we were fucked as it is i got grounded we got demerits we got all kind of we had to write a letter to the owner of the hotel it was a whole fucking thing
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I was a shithead at 10 years old. I can say that. But never once did I ever think about defecating anywhere except a toilet. That's just like a step beyond. You can't walk across the way and go to the bathroom? Unbelievable.
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Yeah, I don't mean to fuss at you, listener. I don't mean to fuss at you. But like I said, 99.9999999% of the commercial break listeners I think are like-minded. I don't think you would listen to the show if you weren't like-minded. I think it would irritate you, right? So at least that's what I like to think. And I interact with a lot of you on text message and on email.
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But I know that there's one of you out there who has children that you just like let them do what they want to do because that's the path of least resistance. Yeah. You are going to teach them by – but you are going to teach them by acting – essentially by telling them what to do. They don't know any different until you tell them what to do. And shitting on the floor is not acceptable.
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Same with being cold. Do you know that my mom did this when we were a kid? And I have done this for friends, family, and my children now. All of your blood moves through your body. I think it's in about like, I think it's 36 seconds. So your blood goes from your heart and back to your heart in like 36 seconds. Very fast, right? That your blood flows through your body. I think that.
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I want their mugshot on every fucking Instagram reel from here to Timbuktu. And I want it to say, these kids. These kids shit on floors. These kids shit on floors. And then puke. And then puke. Well, I'd puke too if I saw someone shit right in front of me.
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That seems like more trouble than just going to the bathroom. Yeah, and why do you have to bring your friends with you?
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Kids are so strange. Were they playing skee-ball and one kid went, I got to take a hot dump. And the other kid went, let's do it behind the skee-ball machine.
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Can I see Uranus? The old dare. Yeah, the old dare. A dare to do it behind a skee-ball machine. And then just imagine the whole scene back there. A bunch of kids. One's shitting. One's puking on the other one's back. I mean, it's a whole nightmare. Anyway, listen. Listen.
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I mean, this must be like death by a thousand paper cuts when you work at a place like this, because you must see just the wildest stuff day after day, night after night, and have to deal with it. Oh, God bless Betty.
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There is a small amount of hope. A small amount of hope. For our world. And her name is Betty. If we can just get Betty. Maybe Betty can be in charge of Doge.
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We'll put Betty in charge of Doge and maybe we'll get some better results. Do you know what I'm saying? Oh, the good old Dogey.
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Yeah, so we've been communicating with a number of our listeners and whoever is on the phones. We have been talking to a few of them about potentially coming on. There's a guy named Sean who has been a huge fan of the show for a long time. Love our Sean. And he's like a wildlife trapper, but like a wildlife trapper who traps like alligators. Oh, yes. And snakes.
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And, you know, rabbit raccoons and possums and all the things we hate. Is he in Florida? He is. Well, yeah. Maybe I'll let him tell us where he is. You know what I'm saying?
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Yeah. It's in the southeast somewhere. Yeah, I'll let him decide whether or not. Oh, maybe in Louisiana. I just want to be careful about. Oh, yeah, maybe Louisiana. We'll ask him when he gets here. So if you want to be on the show, could you please... Text us, 212-433-3822, 212-433-3TCB. Start a conversation with us. Leave us a voicemail or text us.
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Let us know why it's interesting to put you on the show, and maybe you'll be the next person, the next guest on TCB. Kelsey Cook and then Betty. Kelsey Cook and then Betty. I got to say, they're both just equally as interesting. It's so nice. There you go. All right. Also, could you do us a favor? Please follow us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak.
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We'd love it if you would become an Instagram follower. We have clips of the show usually daily. I think Chrissy and I are going to try and get in the game here. We're going to try and make some content specific for social media. So the only place you'll be able to see it is on social media. That could include clips of the show.
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Me doing some fun Joe Jonas trend or, I don't know, eating a piece of cake or whatever the kids are doing these days. Yeah, don't expect too much out of us. But we might. We might do it. Of course, we just said it, so now it will never happen.
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But anyway, so just follow us at The Commercial Break, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break for all the shows on video the same day they air here on the audio, TCBpodcast.com, all the audio, all the video, and your free TCB swag. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today.
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Yeah, let me check that fact right now. This is when we need somebody. Okay. How long does it take for the blood to flow through your body? About a minute. Okay. About a minute. It moves at three feet per second. Wow. That's fast. Your blood's really going, right? That heart's really going.
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I will tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to Betty out there. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye. Goodbye.
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Yeah, it's unbelievable. So John, now totally, totally different tangent. Just real quick. John Mayer was a local singer-songwriter here in Atlanta. Yes, he was. And he had another writing, singing, songwriting, writing partner that he would go and do gigs with here in Atlanta.
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And the scuttlebutt was, from people around that other guy and that other guy, was that John went and took some of the songs, some of the tunes that they had created together, and he made it into that very first, very famous, very popular album with Wonderland and Georgia. Why Georgia? Why? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Forgot to mention that guy. Yeah, forgot to mention that guy.
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But who knows if that's true or not true. And I would imagine that if it was true, they've settled that score long since. Like there's been some lawsuit that got settled or something. Or John just did the right thing. Because he does seem like a nice guy.
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Yeah, he dated some young girls. But at the end, I don't know who has it. Apparently everybody on Love is Blind has. So there you go. And I'll follow up on that on the next episode. We'll talk about Love is Blind.
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I know. I was saying, you know, this other guy was so emotionally mature and such a good guy. And then I read some stuff online that maybe indicated he wasn't. So the blood in your body moves all through your body in one minute. And your wrists have these major arteries that go through them. You know, we all know that.
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The Great Wolf Mayhem!
And so if you put a cool, damp cloth or coal or ice on your wrists when you're extremely hot or warm water when you're extremely cold, in about a minute, your body will be warmed up because the blood is moving through there. So it warms up your blood. So there you go. Little tip from Bob. Now you know. Also socks. Now you know. Yeah, also socks. And turn off the air conditioning, Brian. Okay.
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All right. So Dave from Chicago asked, hey, Dave, thanks for listening. What is the wildest or most unexpected thing that has happened while recording an episode? Well, I know this. I think I know this one.
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Oh, yes. Oh, that was pretty wild, too. Yes. We had some soundproof panels on the wall, taped on the wall. And a couple of them fell at one time and it scared the holy shit out of both of us. And I think it's still in the episode. It might be like episode number six or seven. I mean, maybe not six or seven, but 30 or something like that. I thought about the time.
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And I stood up and I was like, we got to get out of here. We're going to die like a White Snake concert. Great White, sorry. Like a Great White concert. I think that would be it.
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of your gaggle of kids running around but that's not too crazy a couple times when i've literally stopped recording because i'm supposed to i was supposed to have been on a conference call or something like that yeah like oh hey everybody stop i gotta i'll be back in an hour and then there's the times we've recorded without actually hitting the record button yeah i mean there's but besides that there's been not like anything too too too crazy uh
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Jennifer asks, no indication of where Jennifer is, if you had to describe the show to someone that has never heard it before using only a couple of words, what would they be? TCB. It's about friendship.
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I think it's relatable, ridiculous, and at times redundant. I mean, I think those are the three words I would use. It's like, you know, you're a fly on the wall and a friendship that's existed for a very long time. And we're always, it's like you and your friend getting together. It is a nonlinear conversation that goes all over the place.
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Yeah. i.e john mayer john mayer putting ice on your wrist and now listener questions that all happened in the first seven minutes of the show um okay uh oh hold on one second i give me one second i want to make sure i credit this one but it's on a different uh app Terry. Terry says, has there ever been a topic or a joke that was too outrageous to talk about or make in an episode?
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Would you be willing to share it here? Well, no, because it was too outrageous to say then. It's not going to be okay to say it now. I think there have been times when we have not aired episodes or parts of episodes because upon further review, they felt insensitive or maybe it cut too close to the bone. Like we were talking about a topic that,
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Maybe we should have waited a little while to talk about it, I guess would be the best way to put it.
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Yeah. I don't think there's anything that we personally feel is off limits. I mean, obviously, there are some things about our family members that we want to try and protect the people who didn't volunteer to be on this stupid fucking show. But as far as our own personal inner workings or inner thoughts are concerned, go back and listen to 700 episodes of The Commercial Break.
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There isn't too much in my life you haven't heard about. Yeah. And there might be a few stories, but it's just for reasons to protect other people who are involved in them who may not want those conversations had. But there are topics that we have talked about where we felt afterward. I'll think of one, and I'll just share the topic, and then you'll know, is that we –
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frequently uh especially in season two and three we would do videos a lot of videos and one of our favorite kind of videos to do was my strange addiction or something along those lines you know and we found one about a guy who liked to be a baby and he wanted to be a baby yes But it was a sexual fetish. Yeah. And we felt after. That was very uncomfortable. Yeah, it was very uncomfortable.
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We did the entire episode and then we felt afterwards that fetishizing, you know, sexual behavior in this manner. Involving babies. Yeah, it didn't.
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Yeah, it wasn't a very funny episode because Chrissy and I were kind of like, we thought it would be funny. Goo goo ga ga, pee pee poo poo. But it didn't turn funny when he was like, handjob, handjob. You know what I'm saying? It was like, it got a little weird. Suck on your tits, handjob kind of thing.
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There was another one that we just recently did where Mirica, the world's most advanced robot, was on. And we may run part of this in the future. It wasn't that it was too outrageous. It was so depressing.
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That it didn't end up being a very funny episode. Chrissy and I were kind of like, oh, this...
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Oh, I was thinking about it for a week. Yeah. Same guy asks, what's a moment from the podcast that made you laugh so hard you had to stop recording? We've never stopped recording because we're laughing too hard. That's also a trademark of the commercial break is that we laugh a lot on this show. I think COVID Christmas Castle.
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Waffle House was pretty funny. Was really funny. Waffle House.
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And I was doing the voice. Yes. Yeah. Hey, girl. Hey, girl. I can't go preaching on a full dick. That was pretty funny. Yeah. And there's even recently there was one I can't remember what we were laughing about. It happens all the time. We're always laughing hard.
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That's right. On or off the microphone. A lot of times we don't even catch the funniest stuff because we're just talking about it here in the studio. And Jane asks, if you could bring any bizarre, obscure, or internet personality on as a guest, who might it be and why? Well, I find these all the time. I would love to bring a lot of these people on.
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This kid had none of it. None of it was true. All the cash was borrowed. All the shoes were, you know, rented out from someplace. The cars were not his. The plane that he claimed was his was not. He claimed he had a private plane.
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But in doing the investigation, the guy realized that the plane that he was taking a shot standing outside of was not the same plane that he was taking a shot standing inside of. It's just all manufactured. And I feel like Atlanta, while I love this city, I love it to death. And I know there's a lot of money in Atlanta. A lot of real money in Atlanta.
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This is a place where you can make things happen. It's a lovely city. But there's just too many $250,000 cows out there on the street for me to believe that everyone is making that kind of money. It's like a rat race. It's keeping up with the Joneses. Everyone's got to do it. Yeah, how do you look? That's right. Fake it till you make it.
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That guy, that real estate, late night TV, real estate seminar guy, like we reviewed him one, like Joe Kwan or whatever his name was. Joe Kwan, he made that up. Look like a million dollars till you make a million dollars. And that couldn't be more the truth.
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Dude, when I worked for Scam Coal FM, which was also, you know, pretend like you have money.
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All of it. Yeah, it was so, it's where I realized that the housewives of Atlanta were neither housewives or lived in Atlanta, and none of them had money. It was all just a facade, essentially. No knock on NeNe Leakes. You know, I think she's done great for herself.
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Yeah. But they just showed these women in fantastic and spectacular riches. And almost none of it was true. And how did I know that? Because I became embedded. I got like thrown into the middle of this group of ladies who was either on the housewives or adjacent to the housewives. None of them bad human beings. All of them very nice. But you realize that it's a paper tiger.
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You poke it and it breaks, right? And same with the guy who ran the place. Simon Gwabadia is like the biggest paper tiger of them all.
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I can't do it. The Atlanta ones. I can't watch Simon. Yeah. I can't watch Simon.
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Yeah, I asked some of our of our listeners ahead of time. I just sent them a quick note like, hey, you know, I know we don't normally talk about politics, but if I was to have an interesting conversation, not specifically bashing one politician or another, but just about the you know, how people get.
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They took his visa because he said he was someone else. I'll take that. Exactly.
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Yeah. And then he went to and then fucking phone. I think the story goes is that he said he was someone else lied on his visa application. And then when they caught him, then he sued the government because he said that they like, you know, kicked him out on fraudulent terms or whatever.
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I mean, the guy has been a joke for a long time. And it doesn't surprise me that Portia has Portia has eventually caught on.
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Be my liaison, because I don't think I can swallow another season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. I love it. So this girl comes in with this guy. This guy claims to be a big-time music producer, that he's working on all of these albums with these people that I had never heard of. This is when you were working. When I was working there. Yes.
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A couple nights later, we're at the bar that Simon said he owned but never owned. We're at that bar. And then this guy, so he says, let's take it back to my house. Take it back to my crib. And we're like, okay. We go to his crib. It's like me, him, and this other person. His crib. His crib. There isn't even a crib on the floor. There is zero furniture in the place.
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And he was driving around a Maybach. And I was like, did you just move in here? He's like, no, I've been here for about a year. I'm switching furniture up. I'm switching furniture up. Sure. He had a blow-up mattress in the corner. It didn't look like he was switching furniture up. It looked like the furniture had never arrived, ever. The rug didn't have any indentations in it.
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You know what I'm saying? It was just so manufactured. And I was like, wow, dude, you're driving around $150,000, $200,000 car, and you do not have a couch to sit on. No knocking your game. I know that's probably you probably get, you know, lots of action that way. But it was just mysterious and magical to me about how like, I don't know how magical thinking this all was.
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And who knows if the Maybach was even his or even real. Maybe he made that up. Maybe he put that nice Mercedes Benz Maybach symbol on his Toyota. Maybe that's what happened. At TCB, we'll never pretend to have money because we'll probably never have any. And we're still looking for that airplane. One engine, we don't care. If it can get up 100 feet in the air, we'll take it.
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Make sure you send inquiries to tcbpodcast.com. Let's take a break. We'll be back.
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The landscape and how people, you know, fall into extremism and, you know, kind of the closely or the hotly divided country that we have right now. Would you be interested in that conversation? And most people said yes. And a few people said, eh, not really interested in all that. But all the feedback was positive. Good. Andrew did a good job.
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I was playing a game with my kids the other night. Let's play in a game. Sometimes we like to have a dance party. Oh, I love dance parties. Yeah. And so the little game is that everyone picks a song and then they go up, they are on stage, quote unquote, right? And they do their dancing and then I judge the contest, right? I say, okay, you get a five for this or a 10 for that.
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I'm really pretty a harsh judge. I'm like the Simon Cowell of dads. Really? Yeah. I'm like, what was that? That was awful. You sound disgusting. You sound like a dead horse. I don't sound like a British person either. What is that voice, Brian? So one of my kids was singing September, which is in the Trolls movie. You know. Dancing in September. Dancing to remember. Yeah.
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So my kid was going, body down, dancing on September, body down. Now, he's a kid. Like, he mishears, you know, we have all of us misheard lyrics. All of us, yeah. We're just making stuff up. I don't even, you know, I don't even know he could put that sentence together in real life, let alone while he's singing it. So he's just singing what he knows. And so I tried to tell him.
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I said, no, the lyrics are body da, right? Bowdy da, however you say that. And I don't even know the lyrics. Is it bowdy da?
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It's originally Earth, Wind and Fire, right? Yeah, that's the version we were listening to. It's in the Trolls movie. So that's why, you know, they like it. September. Hold on one second while we get this right. Here it is. Yeah, it's body-ah. Body-ah. Body-ah. It was close. Yeah. Okay, body down, body-ah. And it got me thinking, what are some of the most famous misheard lyrics?
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Because we do this all the time. It's a pretty common thing that we hear something that's not really there because of the way or the inflection or the accent in the artist's voice. We just don't get it, right? Now it's all pretty easy because you got Spotify saying those lyrics to you. Back in the day... You would have to open up your tape case cover and get to the bottom of the lyrics.
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We did a good job of keeping away from the bashing and just having a conversation about the nature of our culture in 2025. So please go listen to that episode and then check out Andrew's documentary. You can go to his Patreon page. Unlock that, dear Kelly. Support independent journalism for sure, for sure, for sure. Okay. New Orleans Super Bowl right around the corner.
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And that is if the artist was generous enough to put the lyrics in there.
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That's right. Nothing pissed me off more than getting a brand new CD or tape to find out that there was zero information on the inside except for who the fucking engineer was. I don't care. I want to know what you said in that fucking song. Yes. Yes. Thank you, Chrissy. It should be mandatory. Mandatory minimum. So let's go through some of the 40 of the top misheard, 40 popular misheard lyrics.
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When I was doing the carnivore diet, there was no meat was safe in my house because I was so ravenously hungry because there were zero carbs in my body. Astrid was just feeding me steak. I know, you have steak, bacon, all this stuff. It was so expensive. Steak, bacon. I didn't care. If it was alive, I was killing it and eating it.
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And to be honest with you, I lost a bunch of weight, but I lost too much weight. Like it went quick. Yeah, you were really thin. It melted off me and it went quick. So I went back to cream and cereal. Okay. I went back to cream and cereal after my parathyroid got taken out. I figured, hey, I get back to calcium. I need to build my bones back up. Okay, ready? Here we go.
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Oh, yeah. That's right. You're right. I think we had a Harper's Bazaar one in there, too. I don't know. Anyway, here we go. Ready? Okay. Dancing Queen by ABBA. We all know Dancing Queen. Feel the beat of the tangerine. I've never heard that in the lyrics.
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Tambourine. Yeah, thank you, Tina, because good housekeeping here didn't bother to put the real lyric in there. They're just telling us the misheard lyric. The mis one. We're going to have to figure it out on our own. All right, Losing My Religion by R.E.M. Let's pee in the corner. Let's pee in the spotlight. No, me. Yeah, that's me in the corner. How did you get that one wrong? I know.
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What dum-dums are listening to that song? By the way, I saw a video with Michael Stipe. And the guy who was doing the video played Michael the original audio that was used for Losing My Religion, the isolated track of his voice. And Michael Stipe started crying when he heard himself in that isolated track. And the guy was like, what's getting you so emotional about that?
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He's like, it's just so raw and so emotional. And I was so young. I realized it makes me think about how much time has passed since he's gone. Michael Stipe's getting up there in age, for sure. Do you remember, like, total side note, that R.E.M. signed the biggest record contract in history at the time. It was like $150 million for five albums with Warner Brothers Music or whatever.
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Chrissy, the football team against another football team. Can't wait. Super excited. Taylor Swift's team versus the people who shoot each other after they win. So it's the Eagles versus the Chiefs. The Chiefs in the Super Bowl for the third time in as many years. Could they do it? Could they be the only team in history to win three Super Bowls in a row? No one knows. And very few fucking care.
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It was Universal Warner Brothers Music. and they never had another hit song after that. They didn't. They didn't. They didn't have one hit song after that. It was not a good deal for Warner Brothers. Now, if they bought the whole catalog, then I can understand.
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Yeah, of course. From Athens, Georgia. You're the one that I want.
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I've got chills that are multiplying. That's not even close. No. Who are these people who are mishearing this? Good For You by Selena Gomez, which I don't know the original song. Do you?
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What the real lyric is, I'm 14 carats. I'm 14 carats, yes. 14 carats. Monster by Eminem and Rihanna. It says, I'm friends with the mustard that's under my bed. But of course, the real lyric is, I'm friends with the monster that's under my bed. In sync, it's gonna be May. And people think they're saying, it's gonna be May. May. May. The month. The month.
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I mean, I realize that NSYNC was not exactly, you know, they weren't, I don't know, it wasn't Shakespeare. But why would they write a lyric called It's Gonna Be May? Yeah. If you just think about that for one second. Old Town Road by Lil Nas. Oh, yeah, Old Town Road. I'm gonna take my horse to the hotel room. I'm gonna ride till I can't no more. Hotel room?
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Actually, I think I did think it said that. I don't know what the... I'm going to take my horse to the Old Town Road. Old Town Road, yeah. That was a good song. Stir It Up by Bob Marley, which is a fantastic song.
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Little darling, stir it up. People think he's saying cereal. No. Little darling cereal. No. Yeah.
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I think good housekeeping is making this up on their own. Or this is an AI product.
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Because who thinks he's saying cereal? No. He was a stoner. But I don't think he's saying stir up your cereal. I think Bob is a bit deeper than that. We Will Rock You by Queen. I can understand this one. Buddy, you're an old man, hard man, living on a man, gonna be a big man someday. You got mud on your face, big disgrace, kicking your cat all over the place.
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It's kicking your can all over the place. And I think the original lyric was actually kicking your ass all over the place. But I think the record company said, no, no, no, no. Blowing in the Wind by Bob Dylan, the 17-minute diatribe. And my friends, my friends are blowing. These ants, my friend, are blowing in the wind. These ants are blowing in the wind. Definitely not ants.
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Of course, it's these answers, my friend, are blowing through the wind. Royals by Lorde. That was a good song. Yeah, it is. You Can Call Me Bean. I don't know which part of the song this comes in, but she says, you can call me, or you can call me Green Bean. She says, you can call me Queen Bee. Queen Bee.
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I guess that's not a far fetch. I mean, you know, Elton's a man with certain acquired tastes. Who doesn't like a... Who didn't like Tony Danza in the 80s for five minutes? Tony Danza for five minutes in the 80s was just your regular old Joe guy that everyone could kind of, you know...
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But I will say this. It is now the least expensive Super Bowl ticket in a decade. Inflation adjusted in a decade. So prices are dropping out. The bottom is falling out of the prices. I just looked. You can now get a ticket for $2,300. Not bad seats. I would never pay $2,300 to see a sports event. I almost paid $4,000 to go see the Cubs win the World Series.
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Wasn't there a guy in there, too? Danny Masterson? Well, not Danny Masterson. Danny Masterson is a guy that's in jail currently.
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I forgot. I forgot who the kid was. But Waterfalls by TLC. Okay. Go, go, Jason Waterfalls. Go, go, Jason Waterfalls. No. Don't go chasing. Chasing Waterfalls. Blank Space by Taylor Swift. Got a lot of Starbucks lovers. Yeah. Okay, star-crossed lovers, obviously. Starbucks lovers. What in the good fuck is going on there? Empire State of Mind by Jay-Z and Alicia Keys. Great one.
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This must be AI, because who in the world... It's saying concrete jungle, wet dream tomato. It doesn't even come close to sounding like that. Baby Baby by Amy Grant. Don't know that song. I'm going to move on. Genie in a Bottle by Christina Aguilera. Come, come, come and let me meow. Come, come, come and let me meow. No. I don't even remember that part of the song. Purple Haze by Jimi Hendrix.
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This one is a very frequently misheard lyric. Excuse me while I kiss this guy. But it's excuse me while I kiss the sky. Message in a Bottle by The Police. A year has passed since I broke my nose.
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A year has passed since I wrote my note, since I wrote this note. Humans by the Killers. Are we human or are we denser? Denser. D-E-N-S-E-R. What is denser? It's denser. Denser. Like dense. Oh, dense. Like thicker. Okay. So stupid. Oh, God. How about Living on a Prayer by Bon Jovi?
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Yeah, actually, I could go to that. Last time we saw Bon Jovi, he wasn't doing so hot. Do you remember a couple of years ago when we reviewed Bon Jovi doing a live concert? Yeah. And it was just like his voice was extraordinarily torn up. He couldn't hit a note to save his life.
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He had a real problem. So I forgive him. I don't think I've ever apologized. I do a lot of apologizing on this show in case you're just joining us. So here's yet another apology on behalf of Brian. I'm sorry. Straight to Bon Jovi. Yeah, straight to Bon
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jovi i thought you were just being bad at singing but apparently you had a throat issue so there you go lucy in the sky with diamonds the girl with kaleidoscope the the girl with kaleidoscope goes by oh it's the girl with the kaleidoscope eyes really yes
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Why would they run this with AI like this? I mean, I guess AI is taking over the world. Bad Moon Rising by Credence. Mm-hmm. There's a bathroom on the right.
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That's a good one. I'm using that one next time I hear that song. Like a virgin. McDonald. Like a virgin. Touched for the 31st time. Like a virgin.
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My name is Bonnie. Bonnie Blue. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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But that's the Cubs winning the World Series. Sorry, that wasn't a bomb.
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I do. It's now part of the show. Blue and my phone dropping on the floor in this echo chamber. I don't know what it is about this table. I got to figure it out. Maybe I should have bought an actual table that wasn't $32 on Wayfair. No offense against Wayfair. Wayfair is great.
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But it was really heavy. I felt like, oh, when you look and it says it weighs 62 pounds, I thought to myself, great. Solid. It's solid piece of wood. It is absolutely hollow in every sense of the word. And so everything that happens in this house now gets echoed through the table into the microphone. I think that thought part's solid. So sorry, yeah. There you go.
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There's a little annoyance for you in your morning drive there. But that is interesting and—
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Last year, Las Vegas, ticket prices were through the roof, almost doubled. The cheapest ticket was about $5,000. And some experts... That I read this morning said New Orleans has a lot to do with it because New Orleans, first of all, has far fewer hotel rooms. So the hotel rooms are terribly expensive.
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, , , , , ,, the P P P P P P P P,實 , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , a P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P P The Robinson Brothers from Black Crows. And I think I saw Miley Cyrus up there. And then he was doing he was at the comedy club in L.A., the comedy store. And there were comedians and then there were also musicians. And he got out there and sang a few songs.
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I thought we got told that Aerosmith broke up because Steven Tyler didn't have a voice anymore. And now he's out there acting like an idiot, singing all these songs with everybody else. I want an explanation, full explanation from Aerosmith as to why they really broke up. Do you remember? I want to remind you of this. Not that anyone cares this much about Aerosmith anymore. I certainly don't.
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But I went through my Aerosmith. I think we all went through our Aerosmith phase. If you're of a certain age, you remember Pump and Pump and Pump. You remember that album. It was a big one. Every single song on that album was a runaway hit. Every single song. So... You remember that during the pandemic, their drummer, I think Kramer is his last name, Joey Kramer.
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It's, you know, the cost to travel down there is more expensive, the cost to travel and stay there. And then some people think that, you know, New Orleans just had a terrible incident occurring. Maybe some people are shying away from going to New Orleans specifically. And then some people speculated Trump announced he's going to go to the game.
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Joey Kramer got locked out of practice. Do you remember this? They were practicing for an upcoming tour and he got locked out of the practice. And there was like some kind of person standing at the door saying, no, you're not allowed in. And he was like, but I'm part of the band. And he's like, yeah, not anymore, dude. So he basically got told when he showed up for practice. Yes.
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And they claim that he was on painkillers and he couldn't do the job anymore or whatever. That's rich coming from Steven Tyler. Isn't Steven Tyler the one who left a 14-year-old in a burning apartment so that no one would find out she was pregnant or something like that?
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No shame in that. There's lots of people that have addiction problems. I'm not shaming anybody with an addiction problem. I'm saying it's a little rich that now he's got a charity that helps young women. When he wasn't doing any of that back in the day, he was impregnating young women, not helping them. And now, Aerosmith's broken up, but not really.
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They're broken up because of his voice, but his voice is still being used other places. There's something else going on there, and I want a full explanation right now. As well as, is this Ozzy Osbourne's really his last concert? Or is Sharon just trying to sell tickets?
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Here's the thing about Ozzy. Never the world's biggest Ozzy Osbourne fan.
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Musically. Not my thing. Black Sabbath wasn't necessarily my thing. He had that one song with that Lita Ford, remember? You told me lies. You told me lies. And now I feel so rain. Mama, I'm coming home. Do you remember that song? Okay. All right. He had that one song.
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Yes. at some point in the 70s or 80s or whenever they got married. She took over his career and she did wonderful things for the guy. She sobered him up. She straightened him out. Although, if anybody's ever seen any of the Osbournes, the television show, I think you would have a tough time arguing that Ozzy was sober. But okay, let's make the assumption that he's on some medication for purposes.
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But she took over that career and she really helped him because he was a fucking hot mess. Everybody needs a Sharon Osbourne in their life. But then Sharon has a, Sharon has a way of making everything a little bit hyperbolic. Do you know what I'm saying? She's always blowing everything up. I think this is the fifth time that Ozzy Osbourne is going to do his last concert.
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He was on his last tour six years ago. He was going to make his last festival appearance three years ago. He made his last television appearance two years ago. But none of them are his last appearance. But this time, she says, full stop, it's his last appearance. I doubt it. We'll see. I think this is just... The Eagles also have done six farewell tours, and yet they have yet to say farewell.
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Don't say it. Don't say it. Just say sayonara for now, right? We're leaving for now.
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And some people speculated that that is not a positive for ticket sales. That is a negative. Not because people don't like Trump. That might be the truth, too. But because Trump has been a target and they worry about safety. Who knows if any of that's true? It's all speculation, I'm sure.
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When will that happen? I don't know. Tomorrow? Maybe. If I'm still around. If I'm not? I don't know. If I'm not feeling good, maybe I don't do it. This is the commercial break's absolute last show. Forget it. We're not doing one tomorrow. Until we show up tomorrow to do yet another one. Okay? Don't say that. That's just silliness. We know you're just trying to sell tickets, Sharon.
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We know that Ozzy's going to show up some. You're going to have to roll him out there to pay some bills at some point. You're going to roll Ozzy out there and have him do a little thing. The guy's 78 years old. This could very well be his farewell show. Unless then you see that guy that they're still rolling out there.
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Frankie Valli. Frankie Valli is 117 years old. He is a robot. He literally has a mechanical head and mouth. And he is still going out there and singing live. Is he really singing? I don't know. Some of it. Yeah, some of it, I think. I think he's got auto-tune and a backing track, but I think he's trying to get some breath out of that mouth. I'm not even sure the guy takes a full breath anymore.
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But you know what? They put him on a dolly and they roll him out there every night and they stand him up. That's right. And they use a computer to make his hands move. And the guy goes out there.
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Yes. The animatronic? Yes. He is Chuck E. Cheese. That's who he is. They literally made him an electronic man. And he goes out there with his little robot wheels and he goes out there and he sings for 30 minutes.
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I don't disagree with that. And that's why I think Ozzy is not going to have his last, his final farewell show at this festival. Because I think that if you're a musician or whatever it is you do in life, like my grandfather was 97. nine years old in a retirement home with a hip that wouldn't heal, colon cancer, and could barely speak any kind of English.
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And the guy, and he was a former FBI agent, till the day that he passed away, the day before he passed away, he asked one of the nurses to take his resume and fax it to a phone number. And they would pretend to do that. They would pretend to do that because it was giving him some kind of purpose. So listen, this might be the Commercial Breaks farewell show.
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Or we, Chrissy and I, might be doing this until our 98th birthday.
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Yeah, until we're in Chuck E. Cheese mode. Tina's got to roll us out here.
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Yes. Until AI is doing my voice. Yes. I'm just here going... Till I have no teeth. Actually, you know what? I'll always have teeth because I know that I go get them in Turkey.
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Yeah. Maybe. Me too. By the way, loved it. Astrid, not the biggest fan of it. I can't wear sandals in New Orleans because of the New Orleans soup, the street soup. You don't want to have anything to do with that. So not my favorite footwear city, but I love it. I think it's a beautiful city. I've been going for years. I have friends that live there. The people are nice.
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Hey, once again, I want to thank Andrew Kelly. Now I'm thinking about me doing this well into my retirement days. Yes. Yes.
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When you think about it, well, retirement age back in the 60s, now you work until you're 72 or whatever it is.
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No doubt. Doing the show. I mean, listen, I heard the Villages has taken a turn. I was watching a reel about people in the Villages racing their golf carts. That's what they're doing, racing golf carts up and down the street. It's like a parade. And some guy was driving in the wrong direction and smacked into another golf cart.
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And the guy who was driving one of the golf carts went flying out into the street. It was like really intense. And I was like, geez. They have fun down there, but it's dangerous. They do.
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Yeah, listen. Could be Chrissy and I. Could be Chrissy and I. All right. Thanks to Andrew Callahan. I'm going to put links in the show notes to go to his Patreon and watch the brand new directorial, independent directorial debut. Not his directorial debut, but the first one he's directed independently. Dear Kelly, I think it's a movie you must watch.
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to have a little bit of a better understanding of why this country is so polarized, at least for some people, why this country is so polarized and how easy it is to get sucked into extremism. And remember, like my father-in-law says, aye, Brian. And also, extremes on both sides end up in the same place. Just remember that. I don't know what it means, but it sounds really smart.
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So I'm going to say it. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. If you want to hear your voice on the commercial break, leave us a message, your salutations, your good wills, your good wishes, or just talk shit about us. One way or the other, we'll probably play it on air. Wish us well on our farewell tour. Fare thee well. Fare thee well. So go ahead. Text us. Leave us a voicemail.
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You may be on the next episode of The Commercial Break. TCBpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there from one location and your free sticker at the contact us button. At The Commercial Break on Instagram and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Thanks, Dr. Phil. You're welcome, Brian. All right, Chrissy. That's all I can do for now.
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I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there on the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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And listen, Bourbon Street is not the street I go down at my age. It's just not. I mean, you go down just to see shit.
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Oh, yeah. It's like that is soul. Bourbon Street is like the cheesecake factory of booze streets. Do you know what I'm saying?
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It's bright. It's shiny. It has a thousand items on the menu. You know, all of them include a shit ton of cheap alcohol that's going to give you a headache. That's what you do when you're a frat boy or you go down for the first time or Mardi Gras. I guess you go down Bourbon Street for Mardi Gras because, of course, that's where a lot of the action happens. But that's not my favorite part of town.
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There are many other places in New Orleans that are just as fun and wonderful. And Frenchman Street, the Garden District. I remember I went down to New Orleans for Jazz Fest. And one night we went over to, I think it was Frenchman Street. Am I right about that? Am I saying that right? Is that the right street?
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And there was, you know, it's kind of a place where some retail and some houses are mixed together, like most places in New Orleans, down there in the district. And there were house parties going on. Oh, yeah. Where live music was playing out of the open windows. And you just walk in and out of some of these houses. Yeah. It was amazing. It was just the best. That's so much fun. I love it.
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It was so much fun. And there's lots of drugs and alcohol down there. Yeah. So at a certain part in my life, New Orleans was like, you know, that was like a mecca. I'd much rather go there.
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It's old. Music, food. The food's incredible. They have a piano down there that's twice my age. Do you know what I'm saying? They have a piano at one of those bars that's twice as old as I am. It's been there twice as long as I have been on Earth. And yeah, it's just there's so much going on down in New Orleans at any given time. It's a big city. It's got big city problems.
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The Eagles also have done six farewell tours, and yet they have yet to say farewell.
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You certainly have to mind your P's and Q's down there. Like, don't take cab rides from a gypsy cab driver with a gun in his face. Right, learn from Uncle Brian. Learn from Uncle Brian. Take these sanctioned cabs. Though we did get from point A to point B safely. I'm pretty sure it's because someone had a panic attack in the car.
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And the guy was like, rather than rob you, I'm going to drop you off because I don't want to be bothered by anybody. These white people bothering me. I'm getting out of here. But the ticket prices dropping is, I think, an indication also that people are a little bit nervous about the economy. Who's going to go spend?
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$5,000 just for you and a buddy to go see, unless you're like a diehard Eagles or Chiefs fan, you can watch it on TV. Let's all be honest. The best thing about the Super Bowl is the fucking commercials. That's what we want to see.
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It's Kendrick Lamar. Yeah. Kendrick Lamar. Okay. All right. There you go. Yeah. I'm looking forward to that. So, yeah. Okay. Another sports-related thing that I want to talk to you, piggy front on, is you see Marcus Jordan? Michael Jordan's son got arrested for cocaine, leaving the scene of an accident. Yes. Got stuck on a rail, you know, like two rail ties in his Lamborghini.
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Don't say it. Don't say it. Just say sayonara for now, right? We're leaving for now.
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Oh, it's an SUV. Oh, because why not spend an extra $50,000 on a Lamborghini? That's insane to me. Listen, I knew Michael Jordan had children, but I had no idea about any of those children. They've done a good job. Oh, you didn't? I had no idea that Marcus Jordan.
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Oh, the real Housewives? He's on the real Housewives of something? Oh, yeah.
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Okay, wait. No, no, no, no, no. Hold on. Yeah, you didn't know about this? I grew up in the age of Michael Jordan in Chicago. Scottie Pippen and Michael Jordan were like wonder twins. Yeah. They were so good with each other and for each other on the basketball court.
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And I realized there may have been some friction that Michael Jordan got all of the attention and Scottie Pippen was... Michael Jordan isn't Michael Jordan without Scottie Pippen, right? But his ex-wife was screwing Michael Jordan's son?
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That's a twisted affair. Yeah. That is a twisted affair. I know. Wow. That's the kind of drama that like usurps even real housewives drama bullshit.
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They had a podcast together? Scotty Pippen's ex-wife and Michael Jordan's son?
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Well, that's one way to get back at your... That's one way to get back at your ex.
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That's one way to get back at your ex. Could you imagine fucking your long-time co-worker slash friend's ex-wife or son? That is unbelievable drama. Wow. Okay, so the guy is known. Well, I don't watch Real Housewives, so I would not have known this. I knew that Michael Jordan had kids, but I had no idea who any of those children were until I started reading the headlines that Marcus Jordan...
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was arrested for cocaine. He had cocaine in his pocket and he was drunk and he fled the scene of an accident when cops were trying to pull him over and got his Lamborghini SUV stuck on a train crossing, essentially. This just befuddles me. This befuddles me to no end. That if you can afford a Lamborghini SUV... Lamborghini...
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The Lamborghini SUV coming in at, I don't know, half a million dollars. Yes. Half a million fucking dollars.
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You can't afford someone to get in that seat and get in that driver's seat sober? You could pay me $30 and an In-N-Out burger, and I would stay with you all night long drinking water. Yes. Just to make sure that you got home safely. That would be enough for me. And by the way, there's plenty of those people out there. They're called Uber drivers. They will do it for you for very little money.
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How you get into a car being Michael Jordan's son, being a famous person yourself after getting smashed. Leaving the scene of an accident, cocaine in your pocket. With cocaine in your pocket. Do what everybody else does. Have somebody else drive you if you have cocaine in your pocket. That's what I did all the time. I refused to drive if I had cocaine in my pocket. You want to know why?
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Because you're just adding insult to injury. It's just stupid. It's stupid. Don't do that, Marcus. Come on. You're already fucking your best friend, co-worker, ex-wife. Like, just... And doesn't your dad talk some sense into you? Doesn't that daddy of yours say, hey, son, don't fuck up while you're fucking up? And where did he get the Lamborghini SUV? Where did he get it?
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Is that Michael Jordan's money or is that Marcus's money? What does Marcus do?
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A lot of business ventures, quote unquote. We'll find that out. Yeah, I know a million of these people. I got business ventures. That's me. That's Brian. I got business ventures. I got a podcast. I'm an entrepreneur. I got a podcast. I'm a producer. I'm making a movie. I'm an actor. I'm an actress. I'm in real estate. I'm in MLMs. I sell essential oils for a living.
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Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the most optimized Sanders, Kristen Joy only. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us.
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I got lots of entrepreneur things going on. Yeah, that sounds very nebulous to me. And I know a lot of these people. Atlanta is full of people. who have jobs that they never had. Do you know what I'm saying? They will tell you, you know, it's like, hey, what do you do? Oh, man, I got a lot of irons in the fire right now. I'm a producer on this movie.
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I'm making this new album with a friend of mine. I got a podcast and a vodcast. I'm an influencer in the wild. I also have a talent management company. If you know, you ever want me to take 10% of your money for no reason. They have all of these job descriptions.
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But they do none of them. They actually do none of them. A little bit of this and a little bit of that.
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It's like this is the kingdom of the non-existent job here in Atlanta. Now, everybody seems to have money, but no one can tell you exactly what they do. Because they're renting the fancy car.
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I'm sure like a lot of different places, like many different places in the United States of America. Atlanta is the best. is like the glowing metropolis full of $250,000 cars. You can be driving anywhere in Atlanta and see an extraordinarily expensive car every five minutes. It's just the way that it works. But how do all of these people have all of this money? Where did it come from?
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I don't think it exists. I think you're right. I think where it exists is on the rental lot. The guy who actually bought the car and is renting it to you. That's what happens. I mean, I was just reading an article about this kid who gained like half a million followers in three months. And it was an expose that's really not surprising to anybody. The kid said he had a lot.
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It was like his Instagram was full of shots of him holding tens of thousands of dollars in cash. Gold bars, gold chains, million-dollar shoes, driving around labraginis. It's got a tailpipe.
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Just want to shout out to Andrew Callahan, Channel 5 News, Dear Kelly, the new documentary that has been self-produced, directed, and funded by Channel 5 and Andrew's media company. Go check that episode out Tuesday, the Tuesday infomercial. A lot of positive feedback about that
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Um, he's, he's got all this, like his Instagram, which is full. And this kid is like 19 years old. Full of multi-million, I mean, the posts themselves were worth multi-million dollars. You know what I'm saying? They just look like they're dripping in gold. And the expose was done by like this investigative reporter, quote unquote, on Instagram to find out that this kid. Arrival. Arrival.
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Yeah, there was another dance hall in that same area that would often change names. But this was Fantasy Factory for a long time. And it was like this warehouse building back when it's all warehouses. So it was like a really kind of weird part of town. Yeah, kind of industrial. Yeah, very industrial. Train tracks right behind it. You could literally hear the train.
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And you would walk in and they would hand you a menu. And then there would be the girls would be in this room and you would pick the girl and you would pick the menu. And it would be like, you know, I told you the story. I think once it would be like, you know, jacuzzi experience, massage experience, you know, leather experience, feather experience, whatever it was.
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It is like a brothel. But obviously you can't. It's not legal to pay for sex unless you just don't say it out loud. You know what I'm saying?
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Yeah, and one of my friends was really hell-bent on getting there. We had been fucked up for hours and hours and hours. And so we went there. I reluctantly went there because I'm not interested in using sex workers. That's just not my thing. It's not my thing. But I went there because I was so fucked up and my friend was so hell-bent on going there that I just didn't want to leave him alone.
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I was like, okay, I'll go there. And we'll see. I had no idea what to expect. And he took to it like a duck in water. He took to it right away. He was like, pick his girl, pick his experience. And he's out the door. And then I'm just standing there, fucked up, tweaked out of my mind, drunk as a skunk. And I'm like, jacuzzi experience? And I go upstairs.
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A jacuzzi experience, you, sure, and I go upstairs and we are all of a sudden outside on the roof of the building and there is a jacuzzi. And she's like, all right, darling, you know, you get changed and I'll be back in a minute and get in the jacuzzi. And I'm like looking at that jacuzzi and I'm like, I don't want to go in there. No. I don't want to touch that water.
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I don't want to touch that water with your dick, let alone my dick. So I got in the jacuzzi. I was wearing shorts and underwear at the time. And I took off my shirt and went in the jacuzzi with my shorts and my underwear. So needless to say, no action happening on behalf of Brian. I think I talked to the very lovely naked girl across from me for an hour. That's what I did.
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A beautiful view of the city, beautiful view of her boobs. And then I just left. I left. And I was like, and he's like, how was it? Isn't it awesome? How was it? And I was like, yeah, I just sat in a jacuzzi. What did you do? I got laid. I got laid. That's what I did. Oh. And I thought, well, I guess. And he paid for it, too. So I felt bad because I was like, well, sorry. No, this is not me.
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It's not for me. But anyway, you know, listen to each their own. It doesn't bother me. I think I'm not that prudish. I'm not that prudish. To believe or to think that there aren't plenty of guys and girls that are out there paying for the girlfriend-boyfriend experience, so to speak.
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And I'm okay with it. As a matter of fact, I think take it out into the light. I think sex work is work. Take it out into the light. You're providing a service. We have had friends that have been involved with sex work, and I loved them dearly, and I thought nothing less of them. I thought, what a smart... way to use your energy, your time and your abilities to help someone else.
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And, you know, there's like under the guise of like sexual healing, right? Sexual massage healing.
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But it's just weird. I just don't know that I would go to the BP for dinner.
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Essentially teaching guys how to be better lovers was the tagline.
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That's right. It was a marketing line. It was on the it was on the pitch deck. Yeah. But I'll say that, you know, I never once thought less of her, the person I'm speaking with specifically.
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Yeah. And I thought that that was a perfect thing for her to do because she really was a magic healer.
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She was a great person to talk to. She gave a hell of a massage. She had magic hands. And she knew, I think, how to energetically handle certain types of, like, I'm just going to say this, masculine energy. And so I think she probably would have been really good at that. Really good at that. I asked her one time if I could use her services. She told me no outright.
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You go and you tell me what it's like. I got kids. I can't afford to go.
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But, you know, that's, say, listen, it's not for everybody, right? I'm not for everybody.
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I wouldn't ever. Can I get a freebie? No, of course not. Of course not. I did one time though, after a concert go home, like we were like, everyone got pretty smashed except for me. Unbelievably. I stayed relatively sober. I drove her home one night. She was smashed.
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I drove her home one night and we ended up doing whatever, like, you know, waking ourselves up a little bit with some, you know, some, a little tasty Tina and then sleeping in the same, in the same bed. And, um, And when I woke up, she's like, you want a massage? And I thought to myself, is this the question you asked before the sexual healing? I was like a little bit nervous.
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And she's like, thanks for taking me home. I owe you something. You want a massage? And then I said yes. And it was a magic massage.
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Yeah, you go downtown. I'll stay OTP. I'll do the OTP stuff. I'll go to like, you know, the pumpkin patch.
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Yes, I felt so good. I need a massage. That's what I need. Somebody send me a gift certificate for massage. I'm just going to start asking our listeners to pay for stuff. Send me a massage gift certificate. And if you text me, I'll tell you which massage place to get. It's not Massage Envy or whatever. That place that I went to that one time with the sheets.
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What a terrible, terrible place. I don't even think that place is still open. Anyway. Okay. So let's do this. Let's take a break. I got some fun stuff I want to talk to. I was right about something. And now I'm going to explain to you all the bad things that are going to happen to you because of something I told you not to do after you had already done it.
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So I don't know how the math works on that. But I told you not to do something. And I did it? No, you had already done it. But then I told you not to do it. You said, I did it. And I go, oh, well, you shouldn't have. Okay.
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Okay. All right. So let's take a break. And when we get back, we'll talk about 23andMe.
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The fall festivals. I'll do that. How's that?
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I'll do the cherry blossom festival. You do the BP dinner and Magic City strip club.
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Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting.
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Have you ever been to Magic City? I have. Yes. You have to go to Magic City. Yes. Magic City is magic. Oh, yeah. Listen, it is not for the faint of heart.
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Okay, before we get to 23 and me and me, I'm certainly going to read you the riot act here, but I wanted to say that it is April now. So I'm going to let this cat out of the bag and we're going to just kind of slowly build up into this. Chrissy and I will be celebrating doing five years of this show very shortly. I think the actual day is like April 19th or something like that along the lines.
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That'll mark five years of this silly fucking show. Yeah.
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And probably close to 800 episodes at that point. I mean, it's just like, it's ridiculous how much content we have put out there. But we are
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kind of proud of it we are trying to learn to live with it we're getting therapy to be proud of what we're doing uh and uh other people like it apparently from what we hear and uh in conjunction with central talent booking covert creative and our network odyssey we will in may be celebrating mental health awareness month by doing drum roll please 12 episodes of the commercial break in one day.
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That's right. Everybody loves a good endurance feat. Every human, since time immemorial, we have celebrated those who have gone the distance, who have done things further, faster, and longer than everyone else. So to my knowledge, there has never been another podcast that has put out 12 episodes in one day. Now, that's to my knowledge.
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I haven't really checked, but I'm just making the assumption that no one is going to at least attempt this. We're going to attempt it. I don't know if we're going to get through it, but we're going to attempt it. It will likely be on Saturday, May 31st, the last day of the month. That way, Chrissy and I can go directly to bed and not wake up till Monday.
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And and I can put my children somewhere for the afternoon. But we will be doing this to raise awareness about the importance of mental health. We will have celebrity guests on board to help us get through the day. And Chrissy and I will be releasing an episode that we are recording that day every hour.
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for you to listen to uh from 10 a.m until 10 p.m now details subject to change but details all of it yes i'm glad i told you the details because they'll probably change it'll probably be like 11 30 12 45 or some bullshit like that um but right now that's where we're going with it uh and it's very much going to happen now because now we've roped celebrities into it
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I don't think we have much of a choice at this point. But I just wanted to let everyone know that there's the opening salvo. May 31st, mark your calendars. 12 episodes of TCB. If you can keep up with all 12, you're going to get something. And we're likely to give away something on that day, so stay tuned. You'll probably want to tune in. Mark your calendars, kids.
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12 hours of TCB is coming your way to celebrate five years of the commercial break and Mental Health Awareness Month that is May. Okay, now... Speaking of your mental health.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of the show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on this beautiful, lovely day here in Atlanta, Georgia.
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No shit. We should get a therapist. I can't believe you wrote me into this. The original idea was 24 hours of TCB. I put my foot down on that. Oh, I didn't say it wasn't happening. I said it's not happening this time. We've got to work our way into it. What are we going to do at 10 years? I don't know.
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I think we're definitely doing the 12 days of TCB again, which is going to be 23 episodes. We know that. But we'll prepare better for that. We'll space it out a little more evenly last time. But this one, there's no spacing out. We're going in. We're staying the day.
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Yeah, we're considering throwing out a live episode on Twitch. The thing is that podcasts are recorded by nature. There is no functionality on the RSS feed to do live. So we would have to do that on YouTube and or Twitch. But we will record the episode and then flip it back out on the hour. So essentially, while you're listening to one episode, we'll be recording the next episode.
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So that's the minutiae of it. We'll talk a lot more about that. But, you know, we're going to have a lot of time to talk about lots of stuff. So if you have any ideas, anything you've heard us do over the last five years that you would like us to touch on during this 12 hours of TCB, text in, let us know. We'd love to hear from you. And of course, you know, please tune in.
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Set your podcast player to auto download so you get all the episodes. Obviously, most people will not be listening to 12 hours of the commercial break, but you'll have a whole three days, Saturday, Sunday and Monday to catch up on those 12 hours before we start Putting out more episodes the following week. This is so stupid. What was I thinking?
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I was thinking something and I opened my mouth and everyone was like, yeah, let's do that. And I'm like, well, you don't actually have to do it.
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Anyway. Okay. 23andMe is bankrupt. They went bankrupt. Unsustainable business model, lots of competitive. It's a competitive industry where there are lots of companies doing the exact same thing. DNA technology is getting cheaper and cheaper. And so, therefore, the 23andMe model is not sustainable because it's not a subscription service for most people. It's just a one and done.
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And 23andMe is that company that claimed that they could tell you why you liked coffee because you were from the Arabica community. Your clan was from the Arabica zone of Colombia or whatever. It was kind of silly, if you ask me. But the thing that I have always been warning people about since these services started coming in fashion, probably 10 years ago,
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was what happens when the government or private industry that does not mean well wants to buy that information from that company. Because I promise you in the terms of service, you're not going to have the right to say no. They're going to have the ability to take that data and sell it. And they probably will. And they probably were anyway. But now it's on the auction block.
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Let us talk about the weather for 30 minutes to make sure and piss everybody else off and the rest of the country. It's cold up north. It's warm down here, so we're up for a good weekend. Anyway, I was watching... John Mulaney's show on Netflix. It's LA or LA Live or whatever. What are they calling that? John Mulaney Live? I don't know.
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And who's going to get it? Elon Musk? That Bezos guy? I don't know. Dennis Rodman? I mean, anybody could get that information. And then they could have their own database of DNA sitting there, ready for use in what way they see fit, creating new human beings. The splattering blood in the scene of the OJ crimes? I don't know. But you never know. And that's the challenge.
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The challenge is you don't know what they're going to do with it. And you have no say in what they do with it anymore. And now the judge is going to sell it to the highest bidder. Or they're going to sell it to the highest bidder. And... it's likely that the investors in that company are not going to give a shit about where that information goes because they just want their money back.
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And that is the challenge. And that's why I've never used one of those services. Now, to be fair, my twin brother has, and we're twins, so I'm kind of fucked anyway. But, I mean, we're fraternal twins at least. There's a little twist in the DNA somewhere there. But, you know, this seems dangerous to me.
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Anytime we give this kind of extraordinarily, all of our personal information is out there anyway. Our social security numbers, our addresses, our phone numbers. Anybody can be found at any time just knowing how to Google. And now with ChatGPT. Brian has broken. Powering down. With ChatGPT.
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It's so much easier than it was before to find out loads of information on people. I asked Chad GPT to give me a biography on myself and you, and you should have seen the amount of information that it got just reading the internet. It got a lot of information.
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No, I needed a biography for purposes. And I said, okay, can you create a biography on the two hosts of the commercial break? And it came up with a whole four pages on me, less on you, because I don't think as much information is out there about you. But some of that information, I was like, wow, that is pretty spot on.
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And there's a couple of things that I didn't understand or I thought were just wrong altogether. But mostly... the right information, and there's a lot of it. And I don't put a lot of personal information out there.
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Oh, really? Yeah. Yeah. Well, you want to know the craziest thing? And this is all just leading... This will lead to a point, I promise. Most of my speeches do. You just might have to listen for a couple episodes to get to that point. I...
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asked chat gpt something about the commercial break they had like a new model that came out and i said and it was like a deep research model and i got access to it they're like you get we're giving you access to test it out you know go ahead it's like 4.5 or whatever so i said like i always do because i'm just obsessed with hearing about myself i'm like okay tell me about the commercial break
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And the commercial, and at this time, you and I have recorded our interview with Rory Scovell, but we have not released our episode with Rory Scovell. And it goes, gives me a biography of the, or, you know, the dissertation on the commercial break. And then it tells me the commercial break also has celebrity guests in a segment they call TCB Infomercial.
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Everybody's Live with John Mulaney.
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Here's some of the examples, you know, Lunel, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, yada. Do you want more information on the commercial break and their guests? I said, yeah, tell me which celebrity guests have been on the commercial break. And it says, da-da-da-da-da-da-da, and Rory Scoville. And I was like, how does it know that we had Rory? What's that? Your phone. My phone. That's right.
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And I saw two of our good friends on there. I saw Lunel and Pete Davidson.
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It took the information from my phone.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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And we've never talked to Pete Davidson, but I one time was in the same room with him, and so I feel like we're friends. You were. I feel like we're friends. You are. Yeah, I was there with him right before he went to rehab. So I feel like we have this special connection, he and I. And even though he has no idea who I am, I was in the room, Pete. I saw it all go down.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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He was explaining, Lunell was busting his chops about Kim Kardashian, busting his balls about dating Kim Kardashian. And he was hilariously explaining that, yes, I dated Kim Kardashian and now I laugh about it. Like now I realize just how ridiculous that was. I laugh about it. And I'm glad. That shows some self-awareness on Pete's behalf.
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I think he went on a run there where he was, like, dating people for PR. You know what I'm saying? Like, maybe not on purpose.
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She's beautiful. Yeah, when one of the most famous figures in the world, and I mean that literally and figuratively, one of the most famous figures in the world is paying you some attention. You know, if you're into that kind of thing, of course, it's going to be there. Kim Kardashian, not my thing. I'd much rather go with it's Khloe, Kim. Who's the third sister? Khloe, Kim, and Kourtney.
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Yes. This is going, yeah. And oh, and by the way, one enterprising reporter pointed out that on the website's terms of service, when you purchase a ticket, it says that Fyre Fest 2 and its organizers have the right to change the date, time, locations, and artists without notice. And there are absolutely zero exchanges or refunds. So riddle me that, Riddler.
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How are you going to buy a ticket for starting at $1,400 and there is no guarantee you will ever see that money again? None. Zero. I guarantee they don't have event insurance because you can't have event insurance because Unless you have an actual event at a location where there's plans for things that are happening.
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No insurance company in the world is going to insure an event that's happening in 17 different places. This is so backwards from everything that I understand that goes on in the event industry, especially the festival industry, that Chrissy's right. It's not a festival. It's a party in multiple locations. They have loosely cobbled together some people who may or may not be involved.
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And then they're hoping, hoping that they get enough people down there to break even. At 1,800 people, you would have to sell. You'd have to sell every ticket to even get any artist of note down there. Now, I'll eat my shoe if they announce like, you know, Green Day or Adele or, you know, I don't know, whoever. Travis Scott is going to show up.
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But I guarantee it's not going to be that caliber of artist. It's going to be like JoJo Siwa. It's going to show up. It's going to be like JoJo Siwa and I don't know, like some, you know, D-list celebrities that you might or might not get to hang out with. It's so weird. How's he going to pay for all of this? It's all weird. It's so weird.
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And he's desperately trying to put on, you know, a happy face for everybody. But I know he's got to be freaking out inside that he announced this. This is his big comeback. He's trying to make it all happen. And it's clear that no one believes him. No one. With good reason. Because he hasn't done this the right way. He should have announced a festival for 2026.
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and then said, and he should have had all his ducks in a row. Here's where it's going to be. Here's who's playing. Here's how you buy tickets. If it doesn't happen, I've got a protection program. I've got an insurance company like Allianz or somebody that is going to pay you back. Don't worry about it. And the tickets are reasonably priced. They're $500 for the weekend, right?
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Or something along those lines. And then if you want to spend $10,000 to get a crazy suite, then that's it. But There's like loosely associated hotels that are going to charge you in addition to the tickets that you're buying.
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It really is cobbled together. It's not the right way to do it. It really isn't. It just shows a lack of professionalism in any organization whatsoever. He had this idea in his head. He announced it. And now he has no idea how it's all going to go down.
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And so you, therefore, shouldn't even think about going down there unless you're like one of those people who really loves to stop at a car crash and take a look at it. You know what I'm saying? That's why I would go down there. I would go down there and not buy a ticket. I just want to be in the town to see what happens.
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Yeah, and there's going to be so much press just crawling all over the place for that. You know that every reporter that works for every magazine in the entire world is begging their editor for this assignment. Please send me down to Quintana Roo for this particular event so that I can watch the shit show and get a tan while I'm at it. There you go. Exactly. Wow. So unbelievable.
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I think Kourtney is the prettiest of the group.
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Yeah, I think she's the prettiest of the group. That's just my opinion. I mean, there's the younger Kardashians or whoever they are, but it's a little too young for me. I got daughters. But I was never really into Kim Kardashian. It was never my thing. It was never my style. But that's okay. She's a beautiful woman. Yeah.
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I think it's May 31st. I think it's the same day as the 12 hours of TCB. And I have no fear that that's going to be problematic for us. Firefest. When is the Firefest? I don't know when the Firefest is. Yeah, I think it's May 31st. May 30th. Yep. May 30th, 31st, and June 1st. Wow. What a shit show this is going to be. I just can't wait. I can't wait to see how it all goes down. Take lots of video.
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If you're going, take lots of video. I know that no one to listen to the commercial break is going because they believe me on this one. They may not believe me on everything, but they believe me on this one. They believe me that this is not a good thing to do with your money.
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I mean, I think you have to have your head directly stuck in your ass to think that it's a good idea to go down to the Fyre Fest. Don't you?
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Or just a lot of extra money. Or you're already on your way down to Quintana Roo. And hey, why not? And you got $1,400 to blow. Let me see what it's all about. But I don't want to see some fucking shitty DJ that played at Ibiza last summer.
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That's the kind of that's the kind of shit they're going to you're going to get, you know, DJ breaker balls coming from straight from his, you know, straight from his five day set at Ibiza's. You know, Ibiza's hottest outdoor beach club. It's like, oh, okay. Congratulations. You know, the brand new YouTube artist, Dave. Dave. Acoustic set from Dave.
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It means there is no one to announce. That's what it means. Because you know that if Billy had anybody of note, he would be screaming and yelling at the top of his lungs how great it is that this artist is coming. Even just one. One A-list artist. legacy act that you could hang your hat on, you would be saying that.
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And then also, if you had that one A-list legacy act, then you could get other people to attach themselves to the show. They would be like, well, you know, okay, Rihanna's playing, so I guess I'm going to play too. Of course. But the fact is, there is nobody to talk about because there is no festival happening. It is totally and literally a shit show. Again, I can't believe it. I can't.
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I've never seen a train wreck so clearly coming down the tracks. Never.
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Yeah. Fire Festival founder Billy McFarlane has reassured revelers that the proper permits are in place for the rapidly approaching multi-day event in Mexico. McFarlane proclaimed that the second installment of Fire Fest will be an opportunity for him to amend the disastrous 2017 event, which left attendees stranded on an island in the Bahamas that lacked any food, water, or accommodations. Yeah.
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So Pete, being kind of this goofball stoner character, all of a sudden dating this string of incredibly beautiful women was quite the run. Epic. If I don't mind saying so myself, that is Warren Beatty level epic. A Warren Beatty level run there he went on for a little while. But now he's realizing just how silly it all looked. And I'm glad.
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And it shows a picture and it says, I have a second chance to do right by the people around me and against all odds to turn this nightmare into real dreams. McFarland said via video at Thursday's press conference for the for the attendees, for the partners sitting on stage. Firefest two is about being a dreamer. You are so full of shit.
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Being a traveler and being an adventure seeker around the world, converging on Playa del Carmen to live like Jack Sparrow or live like Laura Croft for three whole days. The festival will host 1,800 guests and feature 40 musical performances. Event associate producer Daniel Martin said, poor Daniel, you have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
However, the Fyre Fest organizers stopped short of revealing any of the artists despite the event slated to kick off on May 30th. Partner Mike Felb vowed to unveil the first list of artists on the Fyre Festival's social media platforms in the next few weeks. The intention of this press conference... In the next few weeks. It's unbelievable.
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The intention of this press conference is to set the basis of the festival, the foundation of it, the security, the locations, the infrastructure, the hotels. So this is the intention for today. The artist, the first release of the artist will come in the next couple of weeks. So please be attentive to it. Okay. What in the world does that even mean? That's a weird way of talking.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Another partner named Fernando said the organizers have already secured Fernando. Fernando. Another partner named Fernando. That's weird. Hey, my name's Fernando. Don't worry, dude. Everything's cool. Everything's cool. Come on down. Buy the Prometheus package. He said that the organizers have already secured the permits to make the festival successful. Well, permits don't make it successful.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
They just allow it to happen. But thank you. Manuel Reda, the head of artists and commercial relations for the Mexican event organizer Lost Nights, said that the FIRE team has found a home for the festival in Playa del Carmen. Reda expressed confidence in the FIRE team's ability to make a festival a success. The reality is, of all those, doubts and concerns are fixed with a very simple thing.
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Well, no, they're doing it in Playa del Carmen, which is a major city down there. But I agree with you. Like, why are you giving us the Jack Sparrow? I don't want to live like Jack Sparrow. He was a drunk living in, like, the time of the scourge. We are in the Riviera Maya. We're in Playa del Carmen. There's no lack of five-star hotels, five-star culinary experiences.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And since founding the new partners.
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You don't have to have a fire fest. That's just a vacation. Yeah. And since founding the new partners, the new team here for Fyre Fest 2 is about building long-term and deep relationships with both the partners of the company, the attendees of the event, and the local supporters in the region, where Fyre Fest will be held. I don't even understand what any of this doublespeak is.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
They're just talking out their ass. The press conference comes a day after the U.S. Sun exclusively revealed Fyre Festival counter-goers will not get a refund if the event is canceled. The top-tier Prometheus ticket is valued for a staggering $1.1 million. The U.S.
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Sun revealed that the second iteration of the initially doomed festival has some unusual stipulations in the terms of service for the multi-day sorority, which has already changed its location twice in the last month. In its astonishingly long terms of service, FIRE attempts to avoid accountability should anything go wrong this time.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
In the lengthy agreement for ticket holders, there are a slew of serious warnings about what one might expect. One such warning reads in a section titled Refund and Exchanges. All ticket sales are final. Absolutely no refunds or exchanges. General emissions start to $1,400. Next step is $5,000, then $25,000, and finally $1.1 million.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
On Tuesday, McFarland claimed on Instagram that they had sold their second Prometheus ticket. Don't believe it. In 2018, McFarland pleaded guilty. He agreed to blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Okay, you get it.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Yeah, they were sending voicemails back and forth. I'd be scared to send Kanye that kind of voicemail. Like maybe not. Maybe if I was in it, I would be like, OK, Kanye, you got to settle the fuck down. What's going on? But I just think that Kanye is so unhinged. And I realize most of it is like this troll character he's playing. But there are also a lot of people.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Keep our eye on things. In the terms of service, it says, and you will bear all risks of inclement weather in connection with the event. Events may take place despite inclement weather. In the event of cancellation due to a natural disaster, tickets will not be refunded. All costs associated with the cancellation, such as travel, will be your responsibility.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Well, that should make you feel warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks, Billie, for putting on the second most interesting thing that's ever happened in the festival industry. Menfo being the first, of course. Menfo. Go to Menfo. Go to a real festival. Go to Menfo. Yeah. There won't be no glamping there, but, you know, there's lots of hotels to stay at in Memphis.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
I don't know how to explain it. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to go with it. I don't know how to think about it.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
What that thing is, I have no idea. But hey, listen. Okay. God bless you. You know what, Billy? I do wish you the best.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Well, I hope they have a rousing good time. I hope they sell every ticket. I hope there's great bands, and I hope Billy pays back every dollar for the first people he fucked before he decides to fuck the second people. But I don't know. I have no faith. I have no faith. I have no faith in humanity anymore, Chrissy. I'm done. All right, tcbpodcast.com.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
That's where you go to find out more information about the show, all the show notes, information about our guests, all that good gravy is available at tcbpodcast.com. I also want to remind you to check out Tim Baltz, our episode on Tuesday. Tim was fascinating. I love him. We really loved having Tim in here. So please do go check out that episode, the TCB Infomercial episode this week.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
We would appreciate it. If you would like your free sticker, we are now sending new stickers out. So go ahead, tcbpodcast.com. Drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we'll send you one in due time. Don't get fussy. Don't get upset. Don't get itchy. It's going to happen. It'll be there. Snail mail is not what it used to be, kids.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And either is our organization here. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. All the videos the same day they air here on the audio feed are available on our YouTube channel. Go check it out. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We take them all there or you can leave us a voicemail.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
But then the people who follow Kanye are not all of them, but some of them probably have some, you know, like tinker toys in their head. And I'd be nervous. I'd be nervous that those people would want me.
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Be the next voice of The Commercial Boy. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. I'll say best to you.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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hurt for some reason, because, you know, you just never know what people are thinking. I get nervous about that here on the commercial break. I really do. Like sometimes we'll get a loose cannon that starts texting us and I'm like, I'm going to not respond to that guy. I'm going to not respond to that guy.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Most of our listeners, 99.9% of them, it's harmless, good fun, and we're all having a laugh. But then there are one or two who take it to the extreme, and you're like, okay, like, you got to settle down just a little bit. Take a deep breath. I'm just a podcast. You know, I go and have my coffee like everybody else, which, by the way, there is no sanctity in my coffee anymore. I know. I'm out.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
I'm done. I'm outed. And I strongly am suggesting to myself that I go find a new Starbucks because it's just, I'm not safe there anymore. I'm not safe, Chrissy. I'm not safe anywhere I go. I'm too famous at this point. I'm too famous. You don't know the struggles. You don't know the struggles because you're not famous like I am.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
You hide there over in the shadows, making your laughs and your little jokes. And people love you. And everyone loves Chrissy. And Chrissy's the best. And Astrid's lovely. And Tina and Christina and all this other stuff. I take the heavy hits. And I get noticed the most. Of all the people here at the podcast, I have been noticed twice. And that's all I got to say. All right? Twice.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And it makes me just a little bit nervous. The cat's out of the bag. And how do I put it back in?
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
No, I know. Now I go in with sunglasses and a hoodie. I take an Uber. I take an Uber XL.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Yes. I have a towel. I have someone behind me going like this with a towel. And I walk in and I say, there's not enough cream in my coffee. I act like a dick. That's what I do. That's how famous people act, right? I think so. I don't think so. Speaking of famous people acting a certain way, Bad Baby. You know Bad Baby, the Cash Me Outside girl? Yes. Of Dr. Phil fame.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Dr. Phil has really brought upon this earth a string of awesome, hasn't he? Dr. Phil, what a shithead. Anyway, Bad Baby, who is honestly... Rose to prominence because of an appearance on Dr. Phil is now a musician and not a bad one by most accounts. People like her music. She was in Atlanta celebrating her 22nd birthday. So she's 22.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
We've been hearing about the Cash Me Outside girl for like 10 years. Then she was like 13 years old.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And she went to Magic City for her birthday. She went to a restaurant called X1, XV, LX. Do you know what I'm talking about? Let me explain to the listeners, and this is the point I want to make. Bad Baby went and had dinner at a BP gas station. A BP gas station. The hottest restaurant in Atlanta in some circles, depending on how you like your food and your flavor.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
in some circles is a BP gas station where there is a restaurant on top of it. The owners of the BP built a, what was originally right there on 10th street, 10th street. Yep. That's it right down there in 10th street. That BP has been there forever in a day. There was a time when that was not the gas station I would stop at after midnight. No way.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
But then all of a sudden, bikers and trikers and casts of characters, they would all meet up because it had a large parking lot. They would all meet up.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Right next to it. Like, you know, it was almost like a strip mall, like a BP, a rather large kind of BP convenience store, and then a Chinese restaurant next to it that did to-go food for the Georgia Tech campus, which is right across the highway. It's right there, yeah. Yeah, it's right across the bridge.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
The Cheetah is behind that. Yeah, it's a block down the street. So it's in the heart of the city. Like, if you put a dot on Atlanta, you'll probably put it right on top of that BP. But so when I lived down there, it kind of went from this creepy, weird BP to all of a sudden you would see gangs of people just hanging out there in the middle of the night, 2, 3, 4 in the morning.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
There'd be 100 motorcycles parked in the parking lot and everyone just having a good time. That then parlayed into... Some hip hop stars and rap stars doing like impromptu performances there and large crowds showing up for parties and this and that. And the other thing, the BP took on a life of its own. It did. It just all of a sudden became like folklore, like legendary folklore.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
You had to go to. If you were going to stop in Atlanta, you had to go to the 10th BP. Well, the owners of this BP, being entrepreneurial as they are, decided, well, let's take advantage of this and we'll build an event space. But we have no more room because we're in the middle of downtown Atlanta that almost looks like downtown Manhattan now. Swear to God.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
So many buildings and more of them being built every single day. Tall buildings, like 40, 50 stories in the air. It lines the highway now. And it's just like, there's no room anymore. So these guys, this family decides, let's go up. We'll put on top of our BP, our BP convenience store, an entire event space that then turned into a restaurant that now everybody is going to. They like, it's a thing.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
You go to the BP to have dinner. Mm-hmm. And I forget what it's called, Louis V or XY. I'm getting the name all. I'm murdering the name. But anyway, it's the BP gas station. That's all you need to know. And they are serving food and liquor up there. Yeah. And people are having a good time.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And celebrities in all types, B-list, A-list, Real Housewives, they're all now posting about their trip to go have dinner at the BP. At the BP. At the BP. Yeah. I mean, I realize that maybe in some places in this country, downtown New York, New York, New York, Chicago, that there may be like convenience stores like 7-Elevens on top of taller buildings that then have restaurants in them.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
But this is not that. This is a standalone BP convenience store that someone put a restaurant on top of. And now everyone likes to go to dinner there. It's crazy. Hey, listen, I ain't hating on the game. I don't at all. I think it's great. I think they're really... They really took the moment and parlayed it into something cool and trendy. But it's just weird.
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I just don't know that I would go to the BP for dinner.
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You go and you tell me what it's like. I got kids. I can't afford to go.
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Yeah, you go downtown. I'll stay OTP. I'll do the OTP stuff. I'll go to like, you know, the pumpkin patch.
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The fall festivals. I'll do that. How's that?
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I'll do the cherry blossom festival. You do the BP dinner and Magic City strip club.
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It's famous. Have you ever been to Magic City? I have. Yes. You have to go to Magic City. Magic City is magic. Oh, yeah. Listen, it is not for the faint of heart. And... When I first went to Magic City way back when, I was one of two people lighter-skinned human beings, let's put it that way, in the building. And one of them was on stage. The other one was on stage.
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And so, but I was, I did not feel out of place one bit. I mean, I never did. Like, you know, I'm literally colorblind and then figuratively colorblind. I don't care. And some of my friends decided they wanted to go for a party and took me. I was like, yeah, fuck yeah, I want to go to this place you guys keep talking about. Oh, yeah, everybody's having fun. Magic City is magic. It's magic.
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And they should do a documentary about it. It is an amazing strip club where you have a ton of fucking fun and you will see the wildest shit you've ever seen in your entire life there.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
This is where it all started at Magic City. And I promise you that's not hyperbole. These girls at this club started that. And I think if I'm not mistaken, some of the most famous hip hop stars in the world have danced at Magic City also.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And so it's like a place to be seen, a place to see. And a lot of people parlay their fame at Magic City, especially a lot of women parlay their fame at Magic City in further careers. And I think that is great. That does not happen at the Cheetah, right? But the Cheetah is a different flavor of strip club.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
It's much more cozy. Yeah, much more cozy. I don't even know. I don't want to know what it is in square feet, but it's like one room. The Cheetah's like multiple rooms. Oh, yeah. 50-foot ceilings. I mean, why do you need ceilings that high? Yeah, why do you need ceilings that high at a strip club? I'm just wondering.
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I mean, I guess if you came down from a chandelier or something, but it's not... Anyway, I don't want to get into the... I don't want to get into the architecture about strip clubs, but Magic City is much more cozy. And the experience is so wild that you're likely to never forget that. If you walk into the Cheetah, you're going to see beautiful dancers and have a good time.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
Yeah, Cheetah's more professional. For sure. Buttoned up. Buttoned up.
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Yeah, you have to go into a private room to get a hand shandy there, where you can probably get off at Magic City if you just don't touch the dancers, you know what I'm saying? Or I don't know, maybe you touch the dancers at Magic City, I don't know. But yeah, Cheat is the kind of place where you'll get thrown directly out for any kind of rude behavior.
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I mean, they took the doors off of the men's stalls. Yeah. Because they knew that cocaine use was going on in there. That did not happen in Magic City.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
They put more doors on the stalls. They put two doors. It's like there's a security door. It's just a different flavor. And I love it. I think it's great that Atlanta has Magic City.
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Date Night In Atl: The ITP BP & Magic City!
And there used to be a place called the Fantasy Factory. Do you remember the Fantasy Factory on Northside Drive, the Howell Mill area? No. Nah, you wouldn't have gone there. That's the kind of place where you walk in.
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Then that's a whole different story altogether. Forget about it.
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So I decided that I would go and I would take a look at some old, I found a video, a dating do's and don'ts. How you ask out a girl on a first date. This is from the 1940s. You want to hear this? It's an old PSA. You know how we like to go through the old PSAs. Yes. Let me make sure I got it all set up here. Yeah. Okay. So let's take a listen to – oh, wait. That's not it. I'm on the wrong channel.
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Yeah, as I do. The studio almost exploded this morning. Yes. We're lucky to be recording right now, actually.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Yeah, I know. You're going to hear this probably twice, but I'll tell it again. I went to go get paper in the closet that's right behind the camera. And as I did, my leg caught the wire that's keeping the camera connected.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Your toe caught it. My toe caught it and the camera just went whoop. It totally bent an entire USB port, almost in a U shape.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
This is an episode full of Pop-Tarts, dating advice from the 1940s, sketch, and of course, love connection. What the fuck, Chuck? See you on the other side where hopefully I will be a little less fragile and you will be laughing. Bye!
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
It almost looks like it was made that way because it got moved with such force. Surprised I didn't date the computer with it. You can see it on youtube.com slash the commercial. Okay. That's okay. All right. I know. I'm always fucking up something. But here we are. We're here and back. Better than ever. Okay. Now, let's listen. This is choosing a date, getting a date in 1943.
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One thing you can consider is looks. One thing. One thing. Thanks for that. If I'm a betting man, if this is your first date, you should probably go with the looks. It's the cover of the book. Yeah, that's right.
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Can't trust Janice with your feelings. She's so hot, but she's a snooze fest, I'm telling you. Never in the history of ever has that mattered to a teenage boy. But good try, narrator.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Nope, boy don't care about either of those things. I'll tell you what he cares about. We're talking about 15 year olds here. Yeah. The guy, a kid does not think that clearly about whether or not he's going to have fun, about whether or not she pays attention to him. You know what a boy cares about? Yeah. Boobs.
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tinder i mean is that the way you do it you go on instagram you say hey this girl this girl i know uh she she's a single girl she wrote on on her instagram hey is not a pickup line you will instantaneously be deleted but i think back to my tinder days and i'm pretty sure hey was what i put on every girl i swiped right i was like hey hey you could at least do the h e e e y well you know i sometimes i would hey with a winky face
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And sometimes I'd put a hay with my winky face. My jackrabbit with extender winky face. There's no extender, though. It's just a jackrabbit. Hides in a hole most of the time. Comes out for feeding. I want to be clear.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Well, Anne's a real bitch. Yeah. Well, Woody didn't give it his best try. Hey, Anne, how about a date? But that is the... Hey. What? That was too funny. Yeah, he didn't give it his oldie old college try there. He basically said the 1940s equivalent of, hey.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Oh, it's another episode of the Commercial Break. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's Kristen. I'm Brian. And happy holidays.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Hmm. When the narrator goes, hmm, you know you're in trouble.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
No, it's like leave it to Beaver. He's got like the, you know, the wool suit on or whatever. You know, and the thing is here, it's, listen. You remember what having an old phone was like. You'd have to pick up and you'd have to call at a certain time and you'd have to pray that the parents didn't answer the phone because then you'd have to talk to them. Hey, is Mandy there? Who is this?
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Chrissy and I were saying on an episode ago, there was a guy who could call the police department to complain that the police officers had stolen his weed. When they complained that they had stolen his weed. I'm going to give you one second. I'm going to turn this off because it's causing color fluctuations in our video.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Let me stop to pause and explain to the audience what's going on, why I just said that. It's because I broke the camera. And so when I broke the camera, we had this whole discombobulated thing. We have a TV that's right behind the camera that Chrissy and I can see each other on when we're doing the show. So we know if we look good and all that other good shit.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. I hope everyone's doing well. Chrissy and I still on a millionaire hangover. We're at a million downloads. And we want to thank every one of you both so much. for listening. You, you out there listening to us right now through your ear balls, through your earphones, through your ear pods.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
But because I probably broke that whole system – It no longer works. So I turned on a television show while we were recording.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I know. Contextual advertising. It's all the wave of the future. So Chrissy and I did this show the other day. The guy calls back to 9-1-1. He calls 9-1-1 and he says, hey, I want my weed back. To which the officer says, give me your name. And every time the officer asked him a question to which he obviously didn't want to answer or he needed extra time to answer, he'd go, what?
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
So the officer would be like, what's your name? What? What?
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
We're watching the birth of the very first insane clownpathy gathering of the juggalos. The high teen carnival.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Why does every woman in all of these things, every girl, every woman, why do they all sound like wind-up dolls? It's like you pull the string.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Who's bringing the prophylactics? We're going to the high teen carnival. I gotta get some sticky icky.
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Driving, walking, driving, walking, using the squatty potty, using squatty potty or whatever it is you're doing out there. We really appreciate a million downloads. Not possible without you. This million downloads brought to you by you. So there you go. Congratulations to you. Best to you. Best to you. Is all we got to say. And best to you. Congratulations on that. So yeah, a million downloads.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Little Nas, Big Nas. What's that? Little Nas X. Little Nas X. There you go.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
She's getting ready to get her boudoir. Of course she is. I think this is her mom whistling and she's going to go talk to her mom.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I can't tell the difference between the voices. This is something straight out of casting.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
She's saying that if you leave your boyfriend with enough money, he'll ask you out on a second date because he can take you out. So this is teaching the women to be subservient. Frugal. Yeah, frugal. Make sure you don't spend too much of his money. It's a whole thing.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I hope you don't mind. I ordered a champagne cream sauce tower. Fondue. Crab cakes, lobster, prime rib.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Anything. Your gold-plated casino chips. We're going to eat them all tonight. Don't worry about it.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Well, it was fun while it lasted. Actually, I don't have enough money for this date. Can you call your mom and dad? Tell them to pick you up. Western Union. I'll be in the casino.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
We've been talking about it for a couple days now, and we are super excited. Out of New York, breaking news.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
It was all a whole different world. Like, you went out, you went out, and there was a phone where you were, and you felt like you would call. Good luck, Chrissy, in the world. See you later. Me and your mom are going to go smoke some meth. Don't come back for a couple days. Imagine how nerve-wracking that would have been.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Just to send your child out into the world and then have no way of getting a hold of them and just praying that they come home. What an anxiety-filled world. Maybe it is better than this 2021. I can literally put a tracking device up me in the ass with a thermometer and say, God, knock yourself out.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Breaking news. I'm going to read this to you. Okay. A New York woman named Elizabeth Russett is leading the crusade against Kellogg's Cereals. and breakfast brand.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Oh, yeah. They have the little eye things now, like the eye button or whatever you call it, like Apple, and you can put them anywhere.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I don't know what she needs it for. I'm right here in the studio.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
God forbid you show your toes in public. I had to psych myself up in front of the mirror. Don't talk. Don't say anything, especially when we're not dancing. We did another episode about being single. And one of the rules back from 1938 was don't talk while you're dancing. A man doesn't want to hear you when you're dancing.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
That's it. I don't want to hear none of that yibber yabber. I don't want to hear none of that woman talk about emotions. Don't start crying on me. It really kills my boner.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I've been drinking since noon. Can you stay sober enough to drive us? Ah, you're a woman. You can't drive us home. Don't worry about it. I'd rather drive drunk than let you get behind the wheel. What do you know?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
In her lawsuit, she claims that the fruit filling in her Kellogg's whole grain frosted strawberry toaster pastries, if you're eating something with more than four names, you should change your diet, that's all I gotta say, is mostly other fruit. According to the lawsuit obtained by TMZ, the Pop-Tarts in question are actually heavier on pears and apples than strawberries. The nerve.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Don't waste your money on flowers. She's not special enough. That ad has been with every boy in the fourth grade.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Get yourself a couple of Rufinols and go to town, boy. 1938.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Say, I'll have to run. What is that talk? Say. Say, Christine, how you been?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Is this a high teen? That's a high teen party. That's a high teen carnival right there. It's a real swinging affair, Kirstie, if you know what I mean. All the kids are in their bebop skirts. The greasers are in the back smoking cigarettes. Smoking cigarettes.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Jim Morrison is just being born. It's a whole thing. I don't know if you know this, but a swinging clarinet lets you know it's a rockin' good time at the High Teen Affair.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I'm not knocking the woodwind section. I like the clarinet very much. But you don't see it around too much anymore. I mean, every once in a blue moon, someone breaks out a saxophone, which I think is really cool.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Love horns, right? Saxophone, horn section, you get it. But very rarely do you see a clarinet. The clarinet is like the stepchild of the wood section. It's for an orchestra. Exactly. Where no one sees it. Like third row. It's usually some diminutive woman.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I remember I was in band and I had this band teacher. I won't give away his name. God forbid. God bless the guy. He was just, he was, you know, he was, and he'd always be like, okay, clarinets, pipe down. No one wants to hear you under his breath. No one wants to hear that shit.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Which she insists is not enough nutrition to provide nutritional benefits to her body, let alone a strawberry taste. Russa claims that Kellogg's is using the packaging to fool folks who want a snack packed with more strawberries. She is saying that her damages, personal damages exceed $5 million. And she would also like to see Pop-Tarts relabel their strawberry Pop-Tarts.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I personally never aspired to be first saxophone. I was okay with third. Right. Because I just was kind of forgotten about. If I wasn't playing the right notes, I'd just pretend. You'd get called out.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
but actually not blow anything half the time I didn't show up to like the football games and stuff and I'm like this sucks I gotta go sit and play saxophone I don't want to do that on a Friday night I'd rather go get high the high teen carnival that's what I want to do But the couple times that I did, I had a good buddy named Russell, and he played baritone sax. Oh, yeah. And he was good.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
He was a good baritone. But he played alto sax, too. So sometimes we would enter competitions as a baritone-alto combo, and we'd have to practice these things. Anyway, I think he ended up being first chair at some point. Nice. He'd just look at me like... He'd look at me, and I'd be like... I didn't even have my mouth on the thing.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Yeah, exactly. Because when we started a new thing, a new piece of music... Everybody would break into their groups and they'd do it. And then, you know, we'd come back together. And then, you know, he'd be – listen, we were horrible anyway. It was just bad. It was just bad. It was just like a high school band, you know, a small high school band. Right.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And so he'd be – and the conductor would be – he'd be so, you know, excited about it. And he'd give us his hand and tell us to get more and more and more. And I'd be like, I don't even know where – I don't know what page we're on. If we were to be on page six, I'd be on page one. I always remember feeling such anxiety about being totally lost. And I'd be like.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Fresh out. Fresh out. I got to go tune up for tomorrow's saxophone recital.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Hey, listen, I think in 2021, anybody can take anything.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Sleep on it. Sleep with somebody else on it. Just figure it out. Let me ask you a question. What is the appropriate amount of time to wait to text somebody after a first date?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Depends on how much I had to drink. If I had a lot to drink, I'd probably be texting before I get out of the Uber.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I know I'm not your dream man, but can I be you now, man?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
That's packed full of nutritional value. It's got 36 grams of sugar. It's made of basically potato starch. I mean, if you're going to start the morning off right, Elizabeth, start it off with a sugar-coated... carb bomb straight to your gut. Have a cup of coffee.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I think a couple of hours to the next morning. If you've had a good time, right? If you haven't had a good time, just text them immediately. Say, so long.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Well, thank the baby Jesus. Brian took a breath. And now I will use this opportunity to let you know that we've got a brand new phone number. That's right. It's 212-433-3TCB. And you can text us anytime you want. Or you can call and leave us a voicemail. And we might just use your message on the show. Once Brian gets through all the messages he missed last year, of course.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Anyway, you can also find and DM us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak and on TikTok at tcbpodcast. And of course, all of our audio and video is easily found on tcbpodcast.com. Now I'm going to thank G one more time that we have sponsors. So thank G and here they are.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Hey, you remember we were talking about the love connection a couple of episodes back? Yes. I actually found a Love Connection video that I'd like to play for you. Okay. Now, Love Connection, you know, it doesn't move at the fast pace we're all used to. There's kind of some back and forth that goes on here that may not be relevant, but I'm sure you and I can have fun with it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
This is the horniest man. I've watched so many Love Connection episodes recently. I mean, by recently, I mean the last six months. This is the horniest man I have ever heard on Love Connection. Okay. He really gets into it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I finally grew a dick. That's it, Chuck. You know how it goes, us boys. 95 pounds. Really? All through high school? All through high school. Chuck acts like he cares. Really?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Good Lord. From the time you were 18 to 22, you grew seven inches? That's insane. What did the doctors do to you? You had some special military program?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
This is the kind of person who puts half a cup of French vanilla flavored coffee mate in her coffee, has a couple of strawberry pop tarts, and is on her merry way to shit in some office bathroom somewhere in New York where the unsuspecting poor office workers have to deal with it. Unbelievable.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
don't say they're shapely my mom always used to be like you have beautiful you have a woman's legs that's what she used to say you have such pretty legs you really do brian they're like a woman's legs and i mean like a but a man but like a woman a man woman i was always so self-conscious meanwhile i had hair on them in third grade like an entire bushel full and i was like what does she mean by that
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
That's why I went through that painful procedure. Took about six years of recovery and rehab.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Took a while to get used to it. Every time I walk in the mall, I got to stop at the Victoria's Secret. Not because I want to, because the legs just stop. I don't know what's going on. It's like they smell retail. You said you want to have children immediately.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Tomorrow. I'm okay. I'll come back for a second taping. They always do.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I bought you these crotchless panties. I bought you these edible nipple tassels. I'm so glad my aunt hooked us up on this blind date.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
here's some vanilla flavored thongs you want to try them on I'll take a lick I'm hungry haven't eaten since San Francisco it's a long way up to Modesto I hope you don't mind I started chewing on your panties on the way I hope you don't mind I took a couple bites out of the crotchless on the way up I'm so hungry my blood sugar was dropping quick and my legs were getting twitchy
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Unbelievable. Is this really what you have time for, Elizabeth? Who's the lawyer that took on this case? Listen, there's a lawyer that will take on any case. That's true. I will almost guarantee you that there is a lawyer that will take on any case.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Ever since this leg operation, things have gone south. I've got to be real honest with you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Two people are clapping because everyone smoked in 1982. Good for you, girl.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
As long as the lawyer is not, you know, creating some crime by taking the case, like if you know that your client is lying and you go in front of the judge and claim that it's true, or, I mean, I didn't want to get into it. Never mind. I'm not going to go there. I'm not going to speak politics on here because you guys don't care neither do I. Really, it's boring.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
That's right. I have a full-size cardboard cutout sitting next to me in the bed. Smoking. We like to watch movies together smoking. I've burned two of them down. First of all, smoking in the bed is horribly dangerous. Oh, my God. I never did that. Oh.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
This is my ex-husband. I pay him to follow me around. I crush my dates.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
One day I'll be mistakenly pregnant and I'll get married right after that. It just happened on Love Connection. Where does he choose? The three women Matt had to choose from. It's time for you to match him up.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
So everybody in the audience is now using the audience-o-meter, which is a button in front of them. One, two, three, yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Oh, man, those nipple tassels are going to fit those tits perfectly. She's got an awesome set of legs on her. Our legs knew right away we were good.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
She's got an awesome set of legs on her. I can fit in those pantyhose. We'll be swapping pantyhose and leggings in no time. Hey, what do you think about Lou LaRoe?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I got a great opportunity for you. What if you went on a first date and it was like an MLM meeting? I will tell you. I will tell you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I will say, Elizabeth, Fuck you! And your strawberry Pop-Tarts.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Do you remember the young lady that I dated in Tennessee? There was a girl. She was a little bit younger than I was. You were upset because you thought she was too much younger than I was. I mean, she was legal, clearly, but she was, you thought, remember, we got a little bit of a tiff, right?
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Okay. And listen, nothing bad happened in that relationship. It just ran its course. It went on for like three weeks and then, you know, onward and upward. Okay. But a year later, she called me and she texted me. I don't know if you remember this. I think I told you the story. And she was like, I'm coming in town to Atlanta and I'd love to meet with you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And I was like, oh, I guess you want to rekindle this flame.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And she lived out of state. It was mainly the reason why it didn't work out is because I got sick of traveling, right? So a couple of hours before we meet, she says, hey, I hope you don't mind my sister's coming with me and her business partner. And I was like, what? I go, oh, okay. Yeah, sure. Why? Because we have a business opportunity we really want to talk to you about.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Stop taking up everybody's time. This is ridiculousness. This is phony baloony baloney right here. And it's of the highest order. If you think that strawberry Pop-Tarts, even if they're whole grain...
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
It ended up being an MLM scam. Now, I think it was her sister more than it was her. But she just literally.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
There's this guy. He was dumb enough to drive up here every Saturday night. Gave me what I wanted, and he left. Kicked him out on Sunday. Told him I had to go to college.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
His legs look great, too, Chuck. It was a match made in leggy heaven.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Or the fact that I have lingerie waiting for them at the table.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Jesus, they're kissing. They're making out for 10 or 15 minutes. Now, let me remind you kids at home. They have met at his house. Now they go – or they met at a bar.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
have any kind of nutritional value whatsoever and that the strawberries are going to add additional nutritional value do you know what strawberries have a lot of sugar that's what they have a lot of a strawberry has no nutritional value except for maybe a little bit of vitamin c that is good for you it is very okay antioxidants if you're counting on a fucking pop tart to give you antioxidants you gotta at least there were pears and what was the other one
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
They were supposed to go dancing to another safe public location. But within an hour, they're back at his house so that they get a beach blanket and some glasses and go down to the beach. Now I'm not – listen, I say this probably happens now here and all that. You just – like I think people would be a little bit more cautious. Caution. Yeah. Anybody ever watch a Netflix special? No. Right.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
In the living room. We were on the floor. You know how it goes. He said, I don't worry about it. They're used to it. They're watching Jeopardy. They won't notice anything.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
In front of his... In front of mom and dad? It was actually dad that made this suggestion. Why don't you go to lick her legs, Mark? Nothing says I love you like a lick on the legs.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Oh, yeah. He's looking. That's how it goes. Chuck just keeps, or Mark just keeps sawing off women's legs and sticking them back on his own.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And this, my friend, is why a million downloads is not surprising. This is classic TCB.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I had to clean up the evidence, Chuck. I had to dispose of the evidence, Chuck. We killed my parents. They were bothering us. We buried them at the beach. Okay.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
It's pears and apples. Apples. Oh, man. Apples. This is the kind of lady who walks into a grocery store and is looking for a wet spot to slip on. This is the kind of lady who stands purposefully in the middle of the subway door, hoping it's going to close on her. This is the lady that would literally throw herself down an escalator at an airport so that she can go ahead and file suit.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
You know the producers have told him not to take that story any further. Right. They go, okay, we get it. You're fucked. But kissing. Yeah, just kissing. Prime time audience, just kissing. That's all I want you to talk about.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I finished on her back. threw a dirty dish towel and said, why don't you clean up while I take a shower? Because I'm a gentleman through and through.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I already have the blanket. Didn't want to get that all messed up, so I finished on her back and went about her way.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Go jump in that dark ocean. Go jump in the dark ocean and clean yourself off. I'll meet you back at the apartment.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I guess you figured that out. You better put your dick away, Mark. I know the 15 pressure points on a man and a scrundle sack is one of them. I will take that other testicle out, Mark.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I mean, we had a great time and everything. Yeah, call me again, but they're going to pay for a second date. I might as well try.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I might as well sample the wares, if you know what I mean. I think the record on this, here's how it works. If the audience chooses a different person, so you go, I imagine you go to the studio or they send you a couple of tapes. You have these three choices. You pick the person you want to go on a date with, or you let the audience choose. Yes.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
If you pick the date, and then at the end of the date, the audience chooses someone different, you can then go on a date with that person.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
This is the lady who sues Kellogg's for a Pop-Tart having two little strawberries in it. Okay. This is insane. This is insanity. Why? Why? Why? Let me tell you a little story.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And they'll pay for it, and you come back and you talk about it. Right. I think the record is five. I think someone has been on there five times.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Then they take you up on it. Take you up on it. And then after five times...
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Yeah, but there are bad dates that happen. And maybe we'll review those in a future episode because that seemed to be funny. I didn't think that was going to be all that funny, but it actually ended up being pretty funny. Sometimes you just don't know until you get on air and you start working with it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Yeah, some of the things you think are funny are duds, and then some of the things you think are duds are funny. Yep. So, all right. Well, listen, I had a great time here today.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Well, don't worry. Next time I stop by Victoria's Secret, my legs are just going to walk me right in there. Remember to go to TCBpodcast.com. Please do that. Follow, like, subscribe, rate, review, all that stuff on your favorite podcasting platform. It really does help us out. It does. And we certainly would appreciate it. I know a lot of you have already done this, but I would implore you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Do it again. Do it again, or if you haven't done it yet, I know that it just takes a few minutes out of your day, and it really helps us. I want to thank all of our sponsors for TCB. If you can, buy their products and services because that also helps us out. And if you want your collectible TCB sticker, we've just got a few left of the first edition.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
To find out how you get that sticker and where you get that sticker, go to tcbpodcast.com and click on the button that says TCB. Give me my sticker.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Yes. I want to thank once more Siete Chips, Project Pollo, and Moon Cheese for providing snacks for the studios. Okay, that's it. That's all I can do today. What else do we need to do?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Okay, so I'll say this. I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we must say bye.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I mean, if you're eating it again, if you're eating it Subway and you're expecting that your tuna salad has tuna in it, you got to you got to like Subway has some of the real investigative journalism that's coming out. Subway has some of the worst quality meat you have ever seen in your entire life. It actually shines rainbow colors if you look at it under under lighting. I'm not even kidding.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Like when you're walking through the aisle, if you see one of those, you know, one of the lights up top, you can it's like a mirror. You can see it on the turkey and it's shining all kind of bright colors. You know what that indicates? It's not fucking meat. That's what it indicates. It's just some conglomerate of like pig anuses or something. I don't know. Let me tell you a little story.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Go back in Brian history and tell you a little story. It's about two years ago. I'm in a car full of in-laws and we're coming back from something or the other. And it's about 10 o'clock at night. And we decide, or somebody decides in the backseat, you know what would be really good right now? Ice cream. Let's get some ice cream. But there's no ice cream shops open at 10 p.m.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
It's just not the way they roll. The kids go to sleep early, so they're not open. So we decide the only ice cream that's palatable at this time of night is either we go to the store, which no one wants to do, or we go through a McDonald's drive-thru and get a hot fudge sundae. Now, that just all largely depends on whether or not the hot fudge sundae machine is actually working, right?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Because most of the time, the hot fudge machine is not working. That's a whole different story altogether. We go through the drive-thru. The guy tells us to please pull forward and he'll bring us his hot fudge sundaes.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
courteous courteous very nice young man 10 30 at night there's no one else in the drive-thru line i might mind you right so he comes he gives us our our sundays all of us there's like five sundays and before i even before i even open up my spoon i can already smell something that smells like a dead raccoon it smells awful it smells awful i mean it's it's worse than shit it smells worse than shit now
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And the thing that I'm holding is all sticky. It's like everything's sticky, right? And so I put the ice cream up to my nose. I have a highly sensitive nose. I'm like, I have a hose for a nose. I stick it up to my nose, and guess what? It's the ice cream or whatever's in the ice cream. Rancid ice cream. Rancid something is in there. It is fucking disgusting.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
So I say, everybody, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Smell your ice cream, right? To which then everybody goes around smelling their ice cream, and they all smell like this.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
So I'm like, okay, let's throw these out. Smell my finger. Smell my chin. Yeah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Smell my chin. How did your date go? So I don't know. Smell my chin. So I just say throw these away, right? And we'll file a complaint with the manager because it's 10 o'clock at night. There's a bunch of young teenage punks in there. They're not going to do anything about it anyway. Well, Astrid is like, no way am I letting this go. So her and Gustavo go in. They have a conversation with the guy.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Yeah. And then I don't know. I forget what happens. I think we got our money back. Astrid wanted to follow up with this. So I ended up calling a general manager like inquiry line. Right. And I said something. But I think back on that, whatever they had handed us was certainly rancid. It was bad. It was really, really bad.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
We could have easily called the health department and or filed a lawsuit based on them endangering our health. We should have kept it, got it analyzed, whatever was in there. There might have been decomposing body material. Somebody might have been buried in the fryer or something. I'm not even sure. But I never did that. You know why I never did that?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Because I'm not that fucking asshole who's going to go file a $5 million lawsuit against McDonald's. Nothing happened. I didn't need it, right? It's just a bad smell on my fingers. That's what ended up happening. And if I filed a lawsuit every time my fingers smelled bad... We'd be in court all the time.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I know you're already on your phone. So pull up Instagram and follow us at The Commercial Break and then follow us on TikTok at TCB Podcast. Done? Perfect. Thank you. Since you're at the ready, why not text us hello at 212-433-3TCB. Or if you've got some drama in your life, a little fun story, or anything really, we're desperate for content. Call and leave us a message at 212-433-3TCV.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And don't forget to check out TCBpodcast.com because that's got it all. Speaking of having it all, let's listen to our fabulous sponsors and get back to the commercial break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
This podcast is brought to you in part by our good friends at Squarespace. I love talking about Squarespace because it's one of the tools that we use in our own business. Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Whether you're just getting started or you're managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create beautiful websites, engage your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your own terms. As a lifelong, sometimes successful entrepreneur, Squarespace has grown with me.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Using Squarespace, I've been able to launch multiple websites and even build a business around launching Squarespace websites because they make it easy, it looks super professional, and it gives you all of the tools that you need to be successful online. Let me give you a couple examples of those tools. One of our favorites is the new Design Intelligence from Squarespace.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Combining two decades of industry-leading design expertise with cutting-edge AI technology, you can unlock your creative potential. This helps you personalize a website unique to your needs. What about creators like me who want to sell content? Squarespace makes it easy to sell access to content on your website. Courses, blogs, videos, podcasts, and membership.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
That reoccurring revenue everybody is looking for so your clients can get access to your content for one-time fees or subscriptions. and then you're definitely going to need a way to take the payments. Squarespace Payments is the easiest way to manage your payments and not get lost in a sea of coding. The onboarding is fast and simple.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
You can get started in just a few clicks, and pretty soon you'll be receiving payments. Check out squarespace.com for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, go to squarespace.com slash commercial. and you'll save 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. That's squarespace.com slash commercial, and you'll get 10% off that first purchase of a website or a domain.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And thanks to Squarespace for being a continuing sponsor of our small business and the commercial break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
Hey, hey, hey, and happy new year to you, my podcast pals. I don't know about you guys, but I am violently hungover and my entire body hurts from dancing my ass off last night. So that brings me to today. It's here. It's happening. It's another TCB Classic. Dug right up from the very bottom of the annals of TCB all the way from 2021, if you can believe it.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
As I do. And I was saying this on Fireside. My wife started watching The Bachelor a couple nights ago. It's back. It's back, which means 21 weeks of Bachelorette every fucking night, five nights a week or whatever it is. There's so much of that show that goes on, the different versions of it and all this other stuff.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
And it got me really like thinking about dating in general and how difficult dating in general really is. And especially in 2021. And I'm not even dating. I have no clue what it's all about. I'm just guessing that it's really a lot harder than it was when I was there.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
I mean, I'm lucky to have kind of fallen into a situation where I fell in love very quickly and we got married and it ended up working out. So far.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
It's tough. Yeah, it's tough. The rules have changed. The game plan is not the same as it used to be. And people get hurt. Feelings get hurt. Things happen. But so rudely these days, so rudely and intentionally, that it really makes me think either people are turning into big assholes or they're all scaredy cats.
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TCB Classic: WTF Chuck!
You're so scared of everything that you have to ghost everybody on the moment's notice.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Carnival Cruise actually sells, and I think a lot of cruise ships do this, they sell rooms underneath the waterline.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, those are the $200. Well, I don't know. On Carnival, you might get a balcony for $200, but you can actually get one of those stowaway rooms, and they call it the stowaway room.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
What do you say? But we'll let you have all the well liquor you want. Don't worry about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, man. I'll tell you what. Whatever was going on, he looked angry. They actually had to sedate him. The doctors sedated him. Like an elephant. They just stuck him like an elephant. That's crazy. I mean, I don't even know if that's legal. But I guess out in open water, anything's legal. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Hey, listen, great idea. I don't drink. So next time I go on the carnival cruise, I'm going to start kicking down doors to get the good stuff. All right. Okay, listen. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is what we're talking about for the next couple of days or for the last couple of days we've been talking about it. We are going to put a link in the show notes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence helps women and children who are getting out of abusive situations get back on their feet, find shelter, get away from the abusive relationships, and then get back on their feet and also with financial literacy so that they can take care of themselves and their family during what has to be extraordinarily difficult times. Super, super.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I know that the local women's shelter around here, which we give a lot of stuff to and money to, this is the busiest time of the year you can only imagine. And a lot of women choose to decouple from those situations now. A lot of those women have children. And it's just a terrible thing. Yeah, it's scary. It's a terrible thing to think about.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And then to think about the fact that the kids may not have Christmas gifts, which makes it twice as miserable and twice as scary, and that the women are really in a shitty situation they've got to dig themselves out of. These people do God's work by helping other human beings get out of terrible situations. So if you would, donate a dollar.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Even a dollar can make a big difference this time of year to any of the causes we've been talking about. But this one feels near and dear to my heart. So if you would, please, we'll put a link in the show notes directly to their website where you may make that donation directly to them. We have nothing to do with it, but we're just encouraging you to do some good during the 12 days of TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The love connection has nothing to do with the carnival cruises or the abuse, but, or maybe, I don't know. We don't know what happened in every love connection relationship, do we? But I will promise you, the person we're reviewing today is not TCB. An abuser.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Probably the nicest guy that's ever been on Love Connection. We're going to be back with one of our favorites. What the fuck, Chuck? Love Connection. After these words, we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking King. Oh, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the Donner to My Blitz. And Chris and Joy Hoadley, best to you, Chris.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, man. Okay, listen. Over the last couple of years, one of our favorite things to do is to review dating shows. Now, yesterday, we reviewed MTV's Parental Control. What a terrible television show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I didn't find Jeremy, actually. Didn't find Jeremy. I would have thought for sure.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
He's not around. He's not with us anymore. He's incarcerated somewhere. Jeremy, I couldn't find him. I thought for sure he would be a, you know, someone trying to make a living on Instagram, but he, I didn't find him. I'll continue to look. My search skills are fantastic. So if he's out there, I'll find him. But I only spent a couple of minutes on it yesterday.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Okay, so one of our favorite things to do has been to review Love Connection episodes. Love Connection, of course, the very famous dating show from back in the 80s and early 90s. They actually had two versions of the Love Connection, one with Chuck Woolery and then another one in the mid-90s with another guy. Not as funny. Chuck is definitely the best.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Although he became problematic in his later years. He was great, but he's great now. He's great back in the 80s.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Chuck Woolery did... I believe. I do remember seeing something about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, Chuck died. Okay, I think Chuck died. We'll figure that out. Is he dead? Yeah, he's dead.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Aw. I know. Okay. Well, Chuck, at least in the 80s, you were a nice guy. So I think I have found the nicest guy that has ever been on the Love Connection stage, and that is saying something, because in the 80s, the people just had a different personal attitude. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And also look, this guy, wait till you see this guy. I think he's 31. He looks like he's 62. Wait till you see this guy. Okay, let's review this episode of Love Connection. Here's our boy Chuck Woolery.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
brian best of you out there in the podcast universe welcome back to the 12 days of tcb here we are rolling toward christmas eve christmas day the day after christmas the day after the day after christmas every fucking day you get a new episode of the commercial break in december fear not thank you to everybody who has been supporting us writing in i know saying wonderful things about us i do i do love the reaction that is nice that makes it worth it
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Look at him. He is 37 years old. Chrissy, this guy does not look a day under 65 years old. This is amazing. I know. I think all those preservatives are... It's a huge mustache.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, the jowls and the gray hair. All of it together. And the caterpillars on top of his eyes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It's about 30 miles outside of Fort Knox. As the crow flies. Yeah, if you take a 40 over there to exit 32, then you get off at 32, you can take 16 over to 12. You know where the gas station is, Chevron. You'll take a right there. I live about 12 miles from there, and you got to pass a couple of pastures first, Chrissy. Okay. Just letting you know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I used to get in my bell-bottoms, and I would go out on Friday night, and I liked to wear the bell-bottoms, but my penis often showed, so I'd put a little pad in there so it was not to upset any of the womenfolk. And then we'd go out and party hard. We did a lot of cocaine and poppers back then, and that's why I think it was fun.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, my God. I had a dance partner. She had a boyfriend. Made it pretty clear to me that there would not be any funny stuff. But that was okay with me. I wasn't very sexually mature. I was only 29 years old. I wasn't quite ready for the full ride, if you know what I mean, Chuck.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I got my whole outfit at TJ Maxx for about $39, and then she would be wearing a sparkly-do, if you don't mind, and then we would go out there and do our thing, and there was absolutely no physical contact afterwards. It was kind of nice for me and her husband.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Look at his eyes. He's like, this was what's so great about 79 and 80s. Most people thought I was gay. So I really did not get a lot of action, but I looked good doing it. Do you know what I'm saying, Chuck?
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Really? Five to ten times a week? There's only seven days in a week? Geez.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah. I think even when I was dating someone seriously, we wouldn't go on five dates a week. Do you know what I'm saying? No.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, it did plummet. I got into transformers and model trains. And I had a model train partner, and you see, she would come in and help me with the model train, but she was married. But what would happen is we would go to the model train conventions, and then oftentimes I would be approached by other men to play with their trains. And it was nice in that regard.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This has been great for the audience, not so good for the three of us here in the room, as we've been nonstop recording. But hey, we'll get a nice break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I felt like I was being paid attention to.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I think this guy's very nice. I wish for one minute I was as innocent as John was.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This was all jerk-em-off cowboy. I was at a certain kind of cowboy bar, and I don't know, it just didn't feel right to me, Chuck.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Plus, the tight jeans didn't show off the best of me, if you know what I mean. I found that my dating decreased by five to ten days a week.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Got sore arms from dancing with the cowgirls?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Sounds like though. Well, listen, he's a man about town.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Brian, the beat-em-up boss, will give you guys a break, I promise, real soon.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Disco is your thing. It is. Right. I think he probably should have changed his haircut after disco.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This is my favorite part when we get to look at the ladies he's going to choose.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
She likes dancing. She likes woodworking. And woodworking. And woodworking. I think that's something John could get into.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, well, that might be a downside there, Terry. The 80s were a different time, guys. Some men just take no interest in my child, and some take a lot of interest in my child. That's right. I think this lady's a perfect fit for our boy here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, man, will it be well-deserved. So, yeah, and everybody has been writing in saying that they're really enjoying the 12 days of TCB. Some people have been so kind as to send screenshots of them donating. I saw a National Breast Cancer Coalition fund or two the other day. A couple ASPCAs, and the St. Jude Foundation seems to be a popular one with everybody. So thank you very much.
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If you want to be taken seriously, don't wrap your shirt in a bow.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
She's very forward for the early 80s. She's in construction. You've got to have a good head on your shoulders to be in construction.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You can tell in Ellen's eyes that she's already way too advanced for our boy here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, you lucked out on this one. I'm not sure this guy even has ever looked in a mirror.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It is a fun and interactive way for the audience to get involved. Choose which person's going to go on a blind date with this luscious, lovely man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Don't worry, Chrissy. I got the second half.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
That's a nice way to end things. Yeah, this is one of the very early episodes, by the way. You can tell just by the hissing noise in the background and the way that this is made.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It's kind of weird that you set people up on blind dates. They show up at each other's houses. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I'm just letting the music play because I like it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Would you think that reciting poetry to you, would that be weird or would you like that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Your schwag is on the way. I do promise that. So, Chrissy... How are you feeling? I just want to take a temperature check in the room. How are you feeling?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Poetry. Yeah. But I mean, like if you just met a guy and he came in on the second date and he just said, I have a poem for you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah. Maybe like the second year of marriage. Right. Right. Yeah. Something like that. No, not for you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
event yes what if i had someone create a mega write a poem for me i've written soliloquies yeah but i don't think i've ever written a poem for anybody and i certainly wouldn't recite them to him that's what i message is for it's like making someone listen to you play the guitar it's giving barbie you know yeah i know the scene yeah i've done that a lot escaping brian but to be fair to me i was drunk or high so there you go
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
These three women. They willingly did it because they said, well, it's better than him talking. I said, do you want to hear a little Brian's escape?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I just was a fan of things that, words that sounded good together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We won't actually hear about that date, but we'll hear about Joe's date.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, because she came back for a second round. Oh. You see what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
No, they don't do that. In later years, they also don't have a seven-and-a-half-minute introduction like the commercial break did for the first two seasons.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You sound like you got a little bit of a cold.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
He's been divorced for 13 years. He's 37, so he got divorced at 24, 25. Got divorced. Yeah, 24. That's young to get divorced.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
But, I mean, if you were married to John... Well... I know. It's going to take a certain kind of personality. It is. Nice guys sometimes do finish last. It's a true story. And the reason why nice guys finish last is because there is a certain boredom that comes with always being nice. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I can see John...
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, listen, yeah, he sounds so exciting that he couldn't find his own dance partner.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You need some tea and honey? I might. We'll get you some tea and honey after this episode. Not letting you go. You got to finish this episode. Man, I'll tell you what.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You could be getting older, John. That might be a statement that might be true.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, we're all getting older, Chuck. It's just one of those unfortunate things. One year I'm 36, and the next year I happen to be 37. My birthday was last Tuesday, Chuck, and I almost ran over a squirrel. Luckily, I avoided any kind of contact. But it was because my arms are sore from all that flippin' and floppin' and country-western type music.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, we don't need to hear about your self-reflection. It's like Aaron Rodgers doing a whole Netflix special on his ayahuasca experience. It's just a little glow-up we don't need. You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
What? To one of your last loves? Yeah, nothing gets a girl wet like the last girl getting poetry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, please repeat it. Please recite it. But of course, Chuck won't have a follow-up question here, which will suck because that's not what Chuck does. Chuck's bad at follow-up questions.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, and I already said it, so now you already got it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Let's move this along. Let's move away from the interesting part of the show and back to the boring part of the show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, God, I put it into the ether. What are we, Teresa Caputo now? What are we going to do? You got to go around, spit twice, spin around, yell in the air? What are you going to do? How do you get rid of a cold? Well, listen, it is that time of year when people do get sick, and you have been coming here, where I have 13 to 15 children, that bring around every fucking disease possible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, he chose the one that I thought would be least a fit for him because Ellen looks and sounds like she's lived some life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And John looks like he literally reads novels on his day off.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I took Route 34, and then I got off at Exit 12, and I was in my jeans and had some suspenders on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Chuck, all right, John, let's move it along now.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right, John, let's move along now. We only have 15 minutes. She had some other plants. She had some other plants. Please name them. Please. I hope this guy names them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It was a penis. Life-size. Life-size. Yeah, life-size penis. And I came to the realization, I was dating the wrong sex.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I don't know if I could meet up to this nude. He doesn't, his penis doesn't quite measure up.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
He knew the second that he walked into that room that he had the best love connection story. And he might be right because this might be episode number three. And it had great detail in some places. Please tell us which places it had great detail.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right. I think that's a good place that we should take a break. Let me remind you that we are talking about the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is one of the five charities that we are going to focus on during the 12 days of TCB. We're just shining a light on these charities that do such great work. And if you would...
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
One of my kids had this weird... Have you ever heard of Rosalia? Have you heard of this? Rosalia is a very nondescript infection that children get.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Be so kind as to just donate a few dollars, $5, $10, $50, $1,000, whatever it is, to one or multiple of these charities. We certainly would appreciate it. It'll make you feel better. They'll be able to do some more good. Go out there in the world in 2025 and help some people, some pets.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Most of these charities use a majority of their money. I mean, all of these charities use a majority of their money to the intended causes, which not all charities do. There are many charities, probably the ones you know most about because you hear about them all the time. that do nothing but market their own charity.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
They'll spend like 70% of their budget on getting more money and then they pay their, you know, the people who run these organizations a whole shitload of money. None of these organizations do that. St. Jude does do a lot of advertising, but they also do a whole shitload of good and they do more good than they do advertising. Anyway, you get the point. Links are in the show notes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Please go donate. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It sounds like a lovely flower. It basically blooms into an extraordinarily high fever with a rash. Right. But adults don't get it. So don't worry. You don't have to worry about it. Or do adults get it? I'm not sure. If you get it, let me know. But my kid was cooking. She was like at 105.7. And so when you touch her, she's hot. So listen to this. This is crazy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right. Now we're back. All right. All right. We got it. No problem. Don't worry about it. Christina here in studio with us. By the way, just doing a wonderful job. There's so many moving parts now to this whole thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You know how many times we've done it? If we had never done it, I probably would be frustrated. But we have done it so many times that it's just part of the gig.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Christina and I recorded something twice today. All right, so we're back with Chuck. He is literally with the nicest guy in the world. They're about to tell us about, well, he started to tell us about his date, his blind date with this young lady. And we got to the part where he walked in the apartment and he saw a nude painting of another man. With a apparently very large penis. Here we go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family, and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy, and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments, even when you're on the go. With Ring, you've got the whole home covered. Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive,
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, Lord. You just walked in the door, John.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You just walked in the door and saw a picture of a penis.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The poetry. I thought he was going to say, you know what? My penis. I mean, honestly, you can't give this girl 15 minutes before you start dropping poetry on her. Man, the 80s were a different time because if this worked, if she goes on a second date with him, I'm going to be very surprised.
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No. He's a rapscallion, that John. Remember that.
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I know, he's got his little eyes. Those eyebrows move up and down, and they're accentuated by the world's largest eyebrows. So they just, you know, you can't help but notice. He's like a little kid. He's kind of cute.
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I'm here with you. I walked through the door. Did you know my penis hits the floor?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You say 105.7, their brains are burning at that point, but not true with children. Children, they have a lot of malleability in their brains because they're not fully formed yet. So it's a little bit, it's much different actually with a child. If you're at 105.7 as an adult, you're dead. I mean, there's no way your body can take that.
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You went and got something to eat. What happened there, John?
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Was the nude in the bedroom? In one of the doors. In the apartment. First of all, second of all, you were literally describing plants she had in her house. And you said, we went to eat. What happened? I know.
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Yes. So far, all we've done is I brushed aside her, Chrissy, and I got an erection immediately. And you don't want to rush these things, you see. Yeah.
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This is the same guy who bruises because of country western dancing. You have to understand.
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Wait, does she sit on you? I don't know. Like a chair. Yeah. Geez, John. God. I thought you were a nice guy. Now you're just like a little hellcat waiting to be unleashed.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Okay, so you told us about none of the dates. So far, you walked in, saw a penis painting, caught something to eat, made out on a chair, and she told you enough is enough.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
So when my first one was born, about a year, he's a year and a half old, and one night he was sleeping in the bed with Astrid and I, and I rolled over, he was in the middle of us, I rolled over and I touched him, just like put my hand on him.
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There we go. They made a love connection. Wow. I found my dancing partner who does not have a boyfriend.
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Oh, I knew they were going to pick one because of the dancing. Yeah, because of the dancing and because they're both very quiet in nature. 51%. He just gave the audience a scathing look. Yeah, he gave them the death stare. I think lasers came out of his eyeballs. That was crazy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, it's very obvious as much as it can be in 80s television that things have heated up between the two of you.
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Come on down. Come on down. Get yourself a furry young man. She's lovely.
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I like it. She is lovely. Good for them. I actually wanted to see this work out for this guy because he really is a nice guy. He does seem like it. You don't, like... You would be hard-pressed to find somebody in 2024 that talks and acts like this. Hard-pressed.
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And while he may be a little, you know, maybe he's got old-world themes. This is the 80s, right? He's 40 years old in the early 80s, so. He's got his family crest on his pocket, for God's sake. The sundial crest.
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Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays.
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All right. There you go. Well, I feel really happy for John.
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And he was like a tea kettle. That's how hot he was. And I was like, holy shit, you know, he's a fever. So we get up, we get the thermometer, we take his temperature, he's at 105 something. And we are freaking the fuck out. Of course. We're like, oh my God. So we get some cool damp cloths and we give them, you know, Tylenol or Motrin or whatever it is.
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You know what? This is a couple that I probably would never find online because I don't think that John is the type of person who probably kept up with technology. But I do have to say, what a lovely couple. What a lovely, just like wholesome episode of the commercial break. How... Could we make it any nicer for you as we lead up into Christmas?
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We didn't go for anybody. We've done so many love connections, and so many of the guys are just jerk-offs. Remember that one guy who was the guy who was like a bouncer at the door?
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And he was touching the ladies, and he was like, I date all night long, or whatever he said. I can keep going all night long. Yeah. So many of these guys were headed straight to Jerry Springer. But John was a nice, classic, wholesome young man. And that lady. Yeah, or jail. And that lady was so lovely. Nothing like parental control. Nothing at all. All right.
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Well, listen, how much more damage can we do today? Honestly, let's quit while we're ahead. I do love a good love connection. I really do. It was part of my childhood. I remember my parents watching this show a lot because it was on during daytime TV. So you would get like, if you stayed home sick or you're on vacation, you would get Price is Right. You would get Love Connection.
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You would get Judge Wapner. Yeah. In the 90s, you would get Oprah. It's something you would get. What time did Oprah come on? Four o'clock. Oprah's on. That's right. Four o'clock. You had to miss it. Can't miss television. Oprah. Oprah Winfrey. But Love Connection was one of mine. Love Connection was the one that I really loved. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
tcbpodcast.com that's where you go you find out more information about the show all the audio all the video right there at one location and now every single episode of the commercial break moving forward will be available on youtube the same day that it's available here on the audio feed spotify just a couple of days afterwards so please do us a favor go to the youtube channel subscribe like comment on your favorite video share if you dare share if you care
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Or you can go to Spotify and watch those videos, like I said, just a couple of days after they drop here on the audio feed. Also, do us a favor. 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Would you be so kind as to text us comments, questions, concerns, content ideas? We take them all right there at that phone number. You can leave us a text message. You can leave us a voicemail.
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We don't care how you do it. Just do it, please. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and again, YouTube.com. slash the commercial break. Also, because we know you're in the giving spirit, we certainly would appreciate it if you could spend a few bucks. If you want to give Chrissy and I something really special this holiday, you can do two things.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And we put a call in to the doctor and the doctor says, well, listen, if it goes down, you know, great. If it goes up, go to the hospital. If it goes down, don't worry about it. Come and see us tomorrow. So we bring him in the next day. And when the doctor takes his temperature, it's at 106. And now, so I'm totally freaking out about this.
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You can keep listening to the 12 Days of TCB and beyond. Follow us on your favorite podcast platform. But then secondly, you can donate a few bucks to one of the causes we've been talking about. St. Jude's Foundation, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and the ASPCA. All of these organizations doing wonderful work. Spend a few dollars.
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Make yourself feel good. It's tax deductible. Go straight to their website by clicking the link on the show notes. Thank you in advance. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Happy holidays. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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And the doctor is like, don't worry. This is your first. It's our first. Don't worry about it, right? Which is a really hard thing to do as a child. She's like, don't worry about it. Honestly, sometimes kids go into the 107s, sometimes even the 108s, and it's just their body reacting to an infection.
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If you got a softie in your brain, you're going to have a softie in your pants. You know what I'm saying?
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As long as we can bring it down with some kind of medication or, you know, cooling them off in some way, shape, or form, then we don't get worried about it. But I thought to myself, holy shit, you could cook rice at 107. Can you cook rice at 107? I don't know. What does water boil at?
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What is it? I know, Celsius. That always gets me fooled.
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Yeah, what does water boil at? 130 degrees Fahrenheit, I think is what it is.
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212 degrees. Okay, so you had a little ways to go. Okay, yeah. So we couldn't fry an egg on his head. Right. Rice can boil on my son's chest. So anyway, if you get Rosalia, let me know. You know where they get a lot of infections like Rosalia is at Carnival Cruises, apparently. I was going to share with you this. Where is this going?
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I was going to share with you that right before we got on, I was flipping through Instagram, as I do, and I saw this reel where someone had posted that a guy on a Carnival cruise, not but 45 minutes to an hour after they left the L.A. port, was trying to kick down people's doors. He had his shirt off, big boy, trying to kick down doors on the Carnival cruise.
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I have determined that the Carnival cruise has become the Black Friday Walmart thing
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of cruising because it's so cheap right i mean it's dirt fucking cheap it's like a hundred dollars to go to cozumel for the weekend those ads before i've been on a carnival cruise by the way i went on there many years ago my first cruise was a carnival cruise and i thought it was lovely because i had nothing to compare i was gonna say maybe that's the starter cruise yes the starter cruise it's the starter cruise or it's the i want to get away for the weekend and i don't you know i'm i'm not getting paid till next week kind of cruise
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Because I've been on Royal Caribbean and Disney Cruise. Now, Disney Cruises are crazy expensive anyway, so you get what you pay for in that sense. Royal Caribbean, I think, is like the middle of the road. They have Ritz-Carlton Cruises now, too. Oh, I know.
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Way off. So there's a huge gap between $239 for a person to go to Cozumel for the weekend and $41,000 for the mid-suite on a Ritz-Carlton cruise. And so I understand that when you make it accessible or affordable for everyone to cruise, everyone's going to cruise. Everyone and anyone are going to cruise.
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But so far this year, I think I've heard that Carnival Cruises has had to pull a poop cruise for three and a half days back to port. Many people have fallen and jumped off. Sick, you know, all kind of bacteria running through there. You know, some lady died in the jacuzzi. People are literally rocking the boat in the middle of the night.
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I can't tell you how many fights I've seen in those clubs at night that are going on in those Carnival Cruises. What is wrong with people? You're on a cruise. Why is everyone so upset?
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Yeah, that's the thing. And trust me, they're not giving you, you know, Cuervo 1800 on the top shelf. Yeah, that's what we call the well liquor. You know why I call it the well liquor? You keep it in the well so people can't see it. That's a true story.
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Yeah. Top shelf liquor is on the shelf so people see it and they want to buy it. Well liquor is in the well where no one can determine exactly what they're drinking, including the bartenders or the people selling you that alcohol. It is... It is a bad idea to order well drinks all night long because that alcohol is probably high octane.
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They're the well liquor of the cruise world. Absolutely. Listen, you can't fault someone for trying to find a deal. In that regard, I say, hey, listen, you know, if you can only afford $239 a night or a cruise. You've got to get to Jamaica. And you've got to get to Jamaica tomorrow to buy some weed. And flush it down the toilet before you make it back to port. Like Brian did.
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Then listen, Carnival is a great option. By the way, Carnival Cruise was the cruise that I got stopped on the way back in.
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And had a strip search, including an anal cavity search.
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Well, of course they are. They know that the people who are smuggling weed go on carnival cruises.
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This way, sir. Yeah, they land a helicopter. This way, sir.
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We will now pull into Star Island in Miami.
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Trump helicopter will pick you up and fly you back to a New York City skyscraper. There you'll have your ass wiped with only the finest cotton sheets. 500 thread count. Yeah. Ritz Carlson cruises. You press a button in the bathroom and it goes, poo-poo. Or pee-pee. Someone comes running in and they dab your penis. If you pee-pee, they go, ping-ping. Clean the seat.
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Oh, they must have bidets on the Ritz-Carlton. Well, actually, no. There's spaces at a premium there. But I did look at the floor plans. I did, too. You and I are the same. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that.
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Listen, true story. Astrid and I love a Ritz-Carlton. Oh, we do too. We love a Ritz-Carlton. We got married there. That doesn't mean we have money. It means somebody else had money to give us, right? But we have been lucky enough to stay at a number of Ritz-Carlton. That is a treat. We are the kind of people who go on vacation and we spend the money on the accommodations. Exactly. Right?
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We have children, so we know that, you know, we're not going to do anything fun during the vacation, so we might as well stay somewhere nice.
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Yeah. And so we've stayed at Ritz Carlton. Plus, when you get married to Ritz Carlton, they give you a bunch of points you can use, you know, to stay a place. So we've made the best use out of those points. So I love a Ritz Carlton. So when those cruise lines, when they started hitting me up about their new cruise ships, I was looking at every floor plan.
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And some of those cruise ship suites at the Ritz Carlton, they're like 1,300 square feet. Oh, yeah. That's half this house. I mean, it's bigger than my apartment. I know. It's not even in the way that they do them up. Every inch. Finest. The finest quality everything.
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Of course. When you're paying $41,000 a person to get on one of those cruises. A person. And then they only take you on like a three-day cruise for $41,000. They have three restaurants. When they have racquetball on a cruise ship, you know you're cruising with stuff. I think they actually have a polo field there. I think Harry and Meghan do polo on the Ritz-Carlton ship.
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But when you go on a carnival cruise, because I've been on one, they stick a bed up against the wall. There's a porthole you can't see out of. And the crapper and the shower are the same thing. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, see, that's what I'm not going to do. Yeah, you put down the toilet seat, give yourself a shower, but it's not.
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So you're saying there's a chance. Hey, listen, after the 12 days of TCB, I'm treating everybody to a carnival cruise.
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Oh, I would do it. I think those carnival cruises are the ones where they have the yacht.
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The wrestling cruises are definitely on carnival. I can guarantee you that.
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Yeah, Brad Williams. Or the 90s music cruise, which apparently is very popular. I saw there was a 311 cruise. Creed has done a cruise.
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Everybody has a cruise. Why not a TCB cruise?
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Why can't we have a cruise? Well, I think we need to actually probably do the live shows we bailed. on last year before we do. People texting all the time. What are those live shows? Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Those live shows may now be on Twitch. Hey, we gave you refunds. What can we do?
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The live show's now on Carnival Cruise from here to Cozumel. Now, Carnival's not in on this. It's just us. It's like these charities we've been talking about. They know nothing about it. Neither does Carnival Cruise. Chrissy and I will be doing a live episode of TCB in the formal dining room every night at our table, which I just hope we can sell the table.
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Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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Yes, a private, yeah. If not, then we'll do it next to the bed by the porthole. I can see it.
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We had a whole show planned. I'm not even going to get into it. It's not even worth talking about. We'll get back to it, I promise. Let's put a pin in it for right now and circle back later. Yeah, 2030. When my next parathyroid gets taken out. When my next tumor grows, then we'll think about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Didn't he went to the hospital one time for over caffeination?
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He's fallen off the stage a number of times, I feel like. But that's another thing rock stars do. Yeah, exactly. How many times? Who was that other guy? Steven Tyler. Yes. Steven Tyler. But Steven Tyler has a good reason. He's high on Percocet. Why are you so rad? Exactly. Stephen Tyler. Stephen Tyler, they unwound that band, Aerosmith. They unwound it.
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No more live shows because Stephen can't do it anymore. He's getting too old. And fine, fair. At some point, you got to clock out. Like, that's just it. He's like 76 years old or something. And his voice, those songs, if you're into Aerosmith, those songs are at such a high register and they're so loud. At some point, your voice just can't do that. Right.
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But for some reason, I'm just not feeling like Instagram's going to go crazy about Aerosmith's next last tour. No. Like they did for the Aeros tour. No. But so they unwind the band. They call it quits. Everybody's fighting with each other, you know, always. Aerosmith's been that way forever. People are sober and not sober.
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You know, people falling off stages and cracking their head and going in other bands and all this other stuff. Then poor Aerosmith, the nail in the coffin. Disney World took their name off the roller coaster. That Aerosmith's rock and roller coaster, they did not renew the contract. But I do have a little like Disney adult information for you.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. We're running up to the Christmas tree. Oh, my God!
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They will be putting the Muppets on that rock and roller coaster. So it now will be the Muppets rock and roller coaster. And let's be honest, that's a much better call. Do you want the guy high on Percocet? Yeah. Or do you want Gonzo high on Percocet? Gonzo, of course.
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All right. Well, listen, it is the 12 days of TCB. We are so happy to have you on board. Until Christmas Day and then beyond, actually, probably. We should call this the 15 days of TCB because that's how long it's going to go on. 15 straight episodes of the commercial break. Actually, when you count them all together, it's 20 straight episodes of the commercial break. So congratulations to you.
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You, while you're listening, I have no idea. Yeah. Can we dethrone Kylie now? Is that okay? Have we put in our time? Have we done enough? Can we get on top? Yeah. So the 12 days of TCB. During the 12 days of TCB, we're going to be reviewing content, events, and stuff that we've spoken about over the year that we've enjoyed. We're going to revisit it.
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Today, we're going to get into some Ask TCBs that I have stuffed away for good measure. But I've put a twist on it, Chrissy.
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I'll get to that on the next segment. Yes. I'll get into that next segment. But I did want to say that also we'd like to do a little good during the 26 days of TCB. Yes. And so Chrissy and I have both thrown a charity into the mix, and we'd like to review those two charities one more time. St.
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Jude's Foundation, they provide free health care, absolutely free, including travel and food and everything a family needs to get through a very difficult time, typically kids with terminal cancer or some kind of cancer that's really bad. And the family goes to the hospital, and they get the best care in the world for children's long-term disease care. So the St. Jude's Foundation, the St.
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Jude's Hospital, we'll put a link in the show notes. And also, Chrissy.
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It's a great drop, Christina. Thank you very much. We can't go on an entire 12 days of TCB without homage to one of the best Christmas movies of all time. We just reviewed them yesterday as per town and country because that's where we get all of our... That's where you get all the great information.
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Yes, Chrissy's sister passed away suddenly from breast cancer and the worst kind of... Yeah, a year ago. The worst kind of worse that you can get. And so there's going to be a cure in our lifetimes. I can feel it. Cancer probably will...
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will affect you in your lifetime whether or not it affects you or someone you love the cancer rates are so high and so we need to fund people who are trying to find vaccines and cures for these terrible illnesses as these rates of cancer skyrocket um So please do us a favor. St. Jude's Foundation, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund. We'll put a link in the show notes.
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We have nothing to do with this. You go, you donate directly to them. We are just putting shedding a little light on two of our favorites and more to come. You've also sent some into us and we'll get to it. So let's take a break and we'll be back with more shenanigans.
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This episode is sponsored by Prealcohol from ZBiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, checklists to get done, and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make indeed.
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That is until I found pre-alcohol. Z-Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. And here's how it works.
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Take care of my 12 to 13 children. Still record an episode of the commercial break and make it to bedtime with a little bit of energy left in the tank to watch bad television. I know that pre-alcohol has done its job. And with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual.
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Remember to head to zbiotics.com slash commercial and use the code commercial at checkout for 15% off. Thank you to Z Biotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Okay, so one of the favorite things of the audience, apparently, is when we do Ask TCB. And a lot of people send in questions, but we have just been typically terrible about staying on top of those. So we're usually six months to 12 months behind anybody's Ask TCB. So whether or not they get the advice on time, I just don't know. And I'm really sorry about that.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
We'll try and be better in the future. But here's what I wanted to do. I took some Ask TCBs that we've had in the can for a very long time, Chrissy. And since it's likely that these people no longer need our advice, because, I mean, it's just... It's been so long. It's been so long. I have decided to put a twist on this.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
I have decided to ask AI to ingest the question and any identifying information about the person, name, age, location, throw it into AI, and I ask them... Whabam! Whabam! Bam! Changed it into a story that we can read here on TCB. What do you think? Perfect. I love the idea. I thought, let's do it with a twist. I mean, some of these were like short, half questions.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
They turned into days-long stories. But I thought, we'll take two of our favorite things to talk about right now, AI and our fans, and we'd mix them together into a cauldron of fantastic questions and answers. You'll get the worst advice from AI forever. I should have asked AI to answer the questions. That's what I thought you were saying. No, no, no, no, no. I asked him to spin the question.
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We still have to answer. Okay. So I think if you wrote in, you're probably going to get that this is you. Are you ready? Yes. All right. Okay. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to my – I want to welcome you back to my favorite comedy podcast. AI is not working so well today. It doesn't understand plosives. It's your girl, 28 and single, living the dream.
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If that dream involves an alarming number of bad dates and a questionable amount of takeout food – I just decided now likes takeout food. So let me paint you a picture. I don't mean to brag, but I'm like a solid 8.5 on a good hair day. 9.5 if I just left the salon. And let's be real. That's pretty intimidating.
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I mean, I walk into a room and it's like I'm a lion in a room full of gazelles, except the gazelles are just guys awkwardly sipping their drinks trying to remember how to engage in conversation instead of staring at me like I'm the last slice of pizza at a party.
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AI has gotten really wet. And let me tell you, this was one of the questions that was like half a paragraph long, okay? Then there was Mr. Too Much Information. He was this guy. We went to a cute little Italian place. It had ambiance, candles, and the whole nine yards. And then within the first 15 minutes, he started telling me about his childhood trauma. Like, who does that?
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That was a very abrupt ending to our music. But that's okay. Leave it like that and we'll just... Merry Christmas. Fuck you and the Christmas music.
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At one point, I was genuinely concerned he was going to pull out a PowerPoint presentation about all his little feelings. I mean, I'm all for Mr. Emotional Vulnerability, but let's save the therapy session for when we're at least Facebook official. Yeah, he officially got off the track. And then there was the one who thought he was a comedian, Dade. Listen, I love a good joke.
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This is about me, probably. I love a good joke, but this guy's idea of humor was telling me how he once dressed up like a giant hot dog for Halloween and got kicked out of a bar. I mean, I'm all for invasing my quirky side, but I didn't sign up for a stand-up routine about condiments and buns. By the end of the night, I was pretty sure I'd just been on a date to the worst improv comedy show ever.
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No, that's the commercial break, my dear AI. So here I am asking you all for advice. How do I navigate this dating nightmare? I mean, do I start carrying around a sign that says, please don't panic, I'm just a regular girl who enjoys Netflix and pizza? Or should I start adopting cats and embrace my future as the crazy cat lady who has a podcast about dating disasters? Help me out.
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How do I find a guy who can handle my beautiful chaos without running for the hills? Now, you ready for the original? Yeah, I was going to say, what's the difference between... Hey, TCB, I love your show. I am 29 and single. So AI decided to make her a year younger. For what reason, I don't know. I'm 29 and single living in Chicago. I would consider myself a pretty attractive girl.
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And I've always had a problem being intimidating to men who think I'm, quote unquote, too hot.
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I just asked it to take the question, make a story that's interesting for for our podcast, essentially. Right. Can you. So then some of this gets gets put into this. And she says, you know, help me out. How do I find a guy who can handle my brains and my beauty without being intimidated? I'm just a regular girl. Right.
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So essentially, I think what she's saying is that she's an attractive woman and she finds that the guys that she's into find her intimidating. And yeah. Well, first of all, congratulations on being beautiful and congratulations on thinking you're beautiful. Yeah, I think that's amazing.
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Oh, it did? Oh, okay. There you go. It wasn't my fault. It's the cuckoo roadcaster is going on. Yesterday it just started blinking out. So if it does that during the episode, then no one will know because they just won't hear anything.
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best part about this this email that you wrote to us is that you have a degree of confidence in yourself and that is always going to be attractive and that is always going to be intimidating to no matter who it is whether it's a guy or a girl confidence is intimidating because let's face it most people lack confidence they just do um look at me i lack all kinds of confidence how do i make up for it i come on the commercial break and pretend like i'm a big shot
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But the truth is, I get intimidated by beautiful women also. But here's the thing. If you're really just a regular girl and you're approachable and you're humble and you have this quiet confidence about you, but you just like to do the regular things that everybody else likes to do, then I would suggest the following. Do not go on the dating apps because guys are going to swipe right on you.
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But then when they connect with you, they're going to feel a certain amount of intimidation because you're beautiful. Number one, find people in social situations because then it's easy for them to get to know you without staring at you. And vice versa. For you to get to know them. Right. Number two, wear a bag on your head. I mean, that's the only thing you can do. Right.
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When you're that beautiful walking around life, I mean, it must be difficult. What's the website where you can go? Only beautiful people. What's that website where they are the the dating app where you have to be like they have to approve you. You have to look a certain way.
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No, Raya's for famous people. There is a dating app where you have to be approved by other people that you're good-looking enough to be on the website. Social situations. People need to know your personality along with your good looks.
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If they're just looking at your good looks, they're going to be intimidated and they're going to start acting like dipshits right off the bat because that's what guys do. They stumble over themselves sometimes with a beautiful woman. And so I think that's probably why you're finding it difficult. Yeah.
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Also, maybe I suspect that, you know, I don't know, but maybe you're a little bit more difficult than you think you are. That might be something to think about, too. What is the website? Did you find it?
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Yeah, Elf was on – I think it was last night Elf was on, and my kids were watching it. And I just love the movie. I just love it. It's so near and dear.
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Imagine a fucking committee to get on a goddamn dating site.
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That's not real. Can you imagine if AI is now... Yes, I can. It's happening. I mean, it's hard enough out there in these streets. And then you've got AI making a decision about whether or not you could be on a dating app. That's pretty fucking shitty. And then you have to put yourself in the shoes of people who do not get approved. That must be a real fucking blow to your ball.
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That's what I read. Social proof. Yeah, you're right. There was this thing that – There's a term that was going around for a while called, and we referred to it as social proof, right? Like if you have a restaurant, social proof that other people like it will drive people into the door, you know, posting about this or posting about that. I love this restaurant. This food is good.
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Near and dear to my heart. And there's absolutely – I mean, like, there's sweet moments in it, right? But it's not some pious, preachy Christmas movie. It's not It's a Wonderful Life. It is just on the surface a – Grown up acting like a kid and getting away with it. And I just find it to be very lovely.
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The wait staff is amazing. That's social proof. Your friends like it. And so you're then likely to go try it if you're out for a new good time. And now I can start to see, I do think that people in general are moving away from posting on Facebook because let's face it, it's just a shitty platform with a lot of old people. It's like Nextdoor. Facebook is turning into Nextdoor.
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But Facebook dating, and when you sent me that, I did some research, Facebook dating has exploded. Because people can then see that they have friends in common. They can read comments. You don't have to be matched with someone to see people. And it's free. Yeah, and it's free. It's more of an inviting experience. Now, I would never go on Facebook to do dating, but that's just me.
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We did, but that was different. That was a long time ago when Facebook was still a thing and you would message people, number one. Number two, we didn't get connected by Facebook. Like I would have never seen Astrid had someone not pointed. I mean, maybe I would have, but had someone not pointed out that she was in fact there. So that took a real life social situation for us to get connected.
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Are people in your circle using Facebook dating?
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Well, I mean, okay. Is there anybody that you know?
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He's got his fingers in all of the pies. He's a finger pirate. He likes to finger pies. He's always fingering pies, that Mark Zuckerberg. And he's just creepy. Let's be honest about it. He's like, I think, I think Mark, if you want to, like someone goes, what is AI? Look at Mark Zuckerberg. I think he is literally a creation of AI. A DNA pool put together in some weird laboratory.
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He doesn't even talk like a human being. He's so strange. But he's got the kids' attention. What can you say? And Facebook Marketplace, by the way, I have been to the local police department at least... 12 times in the last three months dropping off stuff because we have sold stuff on that Facebook marketplace. And thank God because this podcast ain't making any money.
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Okay, you ready for another one? I'm ready. Here we go. The AI put the subject line, help, my husband's fantasy life is a little too adventurous for me. Oh, this one was interesting too. You ready for this? Yes. Okay, long time listener here, and I've got a hilarious yet slightly perplexing situation that I need your advice on. So strap in or strap on because this ride's about to get bumpy.
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I have to let you know that the podcast world has been shaken up, Chrissy, by yet another addendum.
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I'm 33, happily married for three years to the love of my life. Let's call him Mr. Go-Getter. We met at a restaurant where he was the adventurous type and I was, well, let's just say my idea of spicing things up was bringing home a new flavor of Ben and Jerry's.
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He brought a whole different vibe, suggesting threesomes when we were dating, which honestly made me feel a little bit like I was auditioning for a role in a very bizarre film. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no prude. I can be adventurous in my own right. But when he suggested a threesome with a man, I thought, wow, I am definitely not ready for this level of team building. Yeah.
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The only thing I want to build a pillow fort for is Netflix binges, not a harem. Fast forward a few years, and recently I've discovered that Mr. Go-Getter has been watching a lot of porn. And it's not just any porn. We're talking about the whole library of gay male porn. I mean, I always knew he had a diverse taste, but this is next-level shit.
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I'm married to someone who has been secretly training for the Gay Olympics. Ha! And I didn't even get the memo. Now I'm sitting here wondering if I should be flattered or concerned. Is he secretly harboring a desire to join a male review? Should I be preparing myself for a romantic dinner where he suggests I wear a glittery bow tie to match his new interests? This is the AI? This is AI doing this.
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Okay. Is AI slightly homophobic or am I just reading this the wrong way?
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It's AI, but I will say AI didn't veer too far off the track here and I'll explain in a minute, okay? I'm all up for exploring new horizons, but I didn't think we'd be sailing into the waters of what's under the rainbow. So here's a question for you, oh wise and hilarious podcast host. How do I approach this situation?
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Should I dive into a conversation about his newfound interests without sounding like I'm about to launch into an intervention? Or do I just embrace my new inner wild woman and join him in a research session? Note, I'm open to the idea of glitter, but I'm not sure how I feel about the bow tie. Thanks for reading and keep those laughs coming. Okay, ready for the real one? Yes.
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Hey, Chrissy and Brian, I have a very interesting and perplexing situation going on in my personal life. I have been happily married for three years. And when I met my husband, I knew he was a bit of an adventurer. He would oftentimes ask us to do threesomes. And one night when we were engaged, he asked if we could bring a man into the bed, to which I replied immediately, no, I'm not up for that.
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Episode number one dethrones Joe Rogan, who has been king of the podcast world forever and ever. Amen. As long as I have as long as I have been around podcasting, Joe Rogan has been at the top. And I imagine he will be again. But Kylie Kelsey. dropped her very first episode of her very first podcast, and she dethroned Joe Rogan. Good for Kylie. Yeah, good for Kylie.
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Now, years into the marriage, I have discovered that my husband has quite the taste for gay porn. We haven't really talked about it. We still continue to make love as a couple. But I have a feeling that he is ready to adventure outside of the relationship to essentially tickle. She says tickle his fancy. And I think what he means is like go out there and get a taste of what it's like.
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I'm a little bit concerned that he might be undercover and he may find more interest in having sex with men. Do I ask him about this and bring myself into the conversation and agree to a threesome that makes me a little bit uncomfortable? Or do I just allow him to explore his other side in secret? Asking for your advice. Thanks so much. Love you all. I don't
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Well, she wouldn't have written in if she was okay with just keeping it a secret. I mean, if you do, like, okay, so she got an indication early on that he might be up for a little, you know, a little play with some, you know, a little ball play, so to speak.
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No, of course not. Yeah. I think maybe it's just a fantasy that you have or it's a fetish that you have or you like watching your wife or a significant other get cucked. I don't know. There's lots of different flavors out there.
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Lots of different flavors. And you can't make assumptions just because someone likes something that they are a certain way. And let's be real about it. Many people are finding themselves to be much more fluid than we ever thought. Lots of people don't fit into a box. And especially in 2024, I think it's more acceptable than it ever has, has been not to fit in a box.
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And it sounds like this guy doesn't want to fit into boxes. He wants to have people's boxes fit into him. So She moves forward a couple of years in the marriage and finds out that he secretly has maybe a porn addiction to men. Maybe this is just a fetish that he has. Maybe this is like a phase he's going through with the porn. But secrets are going to burn. They're going to burn.
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They're going to burn you. They're going to burn him. They're going to fester. You're already upset about it because you're writing a fucking podcast about this.
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You know, if you were okay keeping it a secret, you wouldn't have said anything. By the way, this is signed anonymously, so she did not leave her name. I would advise you to sit down with your hubby and be like, remember that time you wanted me to get spit roast? Are you into men? And if you are, is this something that we need to explore together?
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Or do you need to have a night out with the boys, so to speak? I mean, if you're up for it, like... Here's the problem is that if he continues to go down this rabbit hole, things that you watch often on porn, I imagine, often become fantasies that you feel like you want to live out in real life. And then, you know, let's be honest about it. You know, this happens all the time.
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That business trip to Vegas. One minute you're watching a little toe porn. The next minute you're sucking feet in Thailand. That's how it happens. Not that I would know, but that's what I know. Yeah, I think it's the best advice I can give you is that communication is always key. It is. And you can talk it through.
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And if your husband's secretly undercover, well, I mean, he's having sex with you, so he can't be that undercover.
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Right? He just probably likes to swing both ways and, you know, either let him have a night out and have that conversation.
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If you're okay with that. Or invite another guy into the bedroom if you're okay with that, I suppose. I think it's the best advice I can give. Keep on listening to the commercial break. Keep your marriage together. Sorry it took me six months to answer that question. You're probably divorced at this point. You've been waiting for that free advice to come your way.
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Send some magic this way, Kylie, please. It's just like another addendum to the Taylor Swift era. It's amazing to me how incredibly popular those Kelsey brothers have become. They have the number two or three podcast. They do. And then Kylie Kelsey, husband of a person, of a brother who was dating a girl who happens to be famous. It shows you that there's a very low bar to entry in our world.
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So AI is making very interesting stories out of all this. This is really fascinating to me how AI takes a little bit of information and then can generate a whole thing. Yeah. And you just have to feed it just a little bit of information. Hold on one second.
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No, it's a different one. Okay. Oh, this one's interesting, too. Okay, ready? We'll do one more. Do we have time or should we take a break or a couple minutes? Okay. Long-time listener, first-time emailer, buckle up because I've got a wild tale that's equal parts romantic comedy and sitcom episode gone wrong. I'm single and living my best life in a cozy little apartment. But here's the twist.
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I live next door to a super cute lesbian couple. I mean, they're the ultimate power couple. Think Beyonce and Jay-Z, but with a lot more flannel and a few too many houseplants. Oh, my God. That's funny. And this is AI. This is AI. And here I am, the single gal next door who can barely keep a cactus alive. But here's where it gets juicy.
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The single girl next door. Girl. Got it. Okay. So there's a gay couple, two women living next door. She's a single woman.
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But here's where it gets juicy. I've developed a full-blown crush on one of the women. Let's call her hot neighbor number one. I'm pretty sure she likes me too. I mean, we've had some eye contact and it could melt a glacier. I also swear I caught her giggling at my attempt to carry groceries one trip like I was some kind of Olympic athlete.
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Spoiler alert, I dropped a jar of pickles and it shattered everywhere. Wait, this is a story. Yes, this is AI making up a total story. It's so weird. It's so strange. Now I'm convinced that there's some cosmic connection happening here. Since we all share a wall, I've been blasting my favorite songs and belting out the lyrics like I'm auditioning for The Voice.
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I mean, if she's not into me, she might be after hearing my rendition of I Will Survive. Yeah. P.S. I can't carry a tune to save my life. So here's my dilemma. How do I profess my feelings for Hot Neighbor without it turning into an awkward episode of what not to say to your lesbian neighbor?
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Should I knock on the door and say, hey, I'm totally crushing on you, and it's not just because I'm desperate for a friend with better taste in houseplants? What's up with the houseplants?
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AI? Lesbians in the houseplants? I don't know. I can already picture the... Oh, wait. Or should I slide a note under her door like a high school love letter, complete with doodles and maybe a coupon for a free coffee? Well, AI, if they're living together, you don't slip a love note under the door. No, no.
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I mean, I want to make my move, but I don't want to end up being the neighbor who makes things weird. I can already picture the awkwardness running into her at the mailbox and... After I've confessed my feelings and she's like, thanks, but I'm kind of into this other woman. Right. So help a girl out. How do I navigate the neighborly crush without becoming a full-blown kind disaster?
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Original email. Hey, TCB, best to you. I am a gay woman living in a small apartment in the Northeast. I happen to live next door to another gay couple, two women. One of them is extremely hot, and I find myself crushing on her. I think we are into each other based on some looks and a few things that have been said during social conversations.
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I would really love to tell her my feelings, but I have no idea how to do that. Any advice? For a lonely, lost lesbian. Do not say the feelings. Do not say the feelings.
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Okay. All right. Okay. You could do that. Well, listen, you know, like we said, things have gotten very open in 2024 and lots of people swing lots of different ways.
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You can't ruin the power because you've decided you have a crush on one of you have hallucinated that she has a crush on you. Additionally, I mean, might be true. But yeah, I've had these fantasies before in the past when I was young, like one of the girls in the cup, you know, there's a couple and one of the girls is hitting me.
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Now, one time it happened to be true, but the husband was asking me to sleep with his wife. So that's how I got that's how I picked up on the information that it was OK to do that. I'm telling you right now, I don't think it's a good idea that you should profess your love. Maybe a dinner is a good idea or move. You're stalking this poor woman. Leave her alone. Leave Brittany alone. All right.
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Let's take a break. More fun with STCB. We'll be back.
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Number one, we had reported a couple of weeks ago, and I say reported very loosely, because that's like Joe Rogan showing up at the White House press corps. But we had reported... We had reported that Jamie Foxx had said in a stand-up special he did here at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, people had said that he addressed rumors that he had been poisoned by P. Diddy.
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Okay, all right. One more AI-twisted Ask TCB, in case you're just joining us, which you wouldn't be because you'd be listening to the entire episode unless you're skipping around like an idiot.
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Basically, I took old Ask TCBs that I never got to because I'm bad about that and I'm sorry, but I took it and I threw it into AI and I said, make an interesting story out of it and spit it back at me because sometimes these are like, you know, a couple sentences long, but I just wanted to see what AI was going to do with it. And guess what I got? More trash. It's basically trash.
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it is but it's romance novel trash it seems like it's interesting that's the vibe that it is interesting isn't it and it only takes like a little bit of information the original question in any kind of identifying information and then i say i know we're totally fucked we are so fucked yeah oh man oh chrissy you got me there i take back when i said we weren't fucked we're We're fucked. All right.
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Oh, this is a good one, and I think we can chew into this one for a minute. Brian, help. My son is living the restaurant rock star life.
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Hey, Brian, big fan of the podcast here. 41-year-old woman living in Ontario, and I'm reaching out because I've got a situation with my 20-year-old son that needs some solid comedy wisdom. Who better to ask than you? My son is working as a bartender.
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Let me tell you, it's like watching a live action version of Cheers, except instead of Norm, we've got my kid doing tequila shots with all the regulars. I mean, I worked in the restaurant business in my 20s, so I know it can be a wild ride, but this boy is living like he's in a rock band.
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He's coming home at all hours, sometimes smelling like a cocktail and looking like he just finished a set at a dive bar. Last week, he stumbled in at 3 a.m. and I swear he was trying to convince me that he was just practicing, practicing being drunk. I mean, I get it. Who doesn't want to be the next Tom Cruise and cocktail? Tom Cruise and cocktail AI. Are you? What year are you referencing?
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That's true. But I didn't think it would involve my son turning our living room into a makeshift bar with a collection of empty bottles and ashtrays. And let's talk about the revolving door of ladies he's bringing home. It's like I'm living in a sitcom where every week it features a new guest star. I'm just waiting for the laugh track.
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Except I'm half expecting one of them to pop out of his closet next, holding a cocktail shaker and asking if we have any fresh limes. I'm not sure if I should be concerned or should I just start taking notes for my next reality show. That's an idea. TLC.
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And that was the mysterious illness that kept him in the hospital here in Atlanta for a month, two months, something like that. And there was no information as to why he was in this hospital. People just knew he was very sick. And there was no information coming. So... People said that when he did his stand-up special, he in fact said, I was poisoned by P. Diddy.
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Wait until I tell you about TLC's brand new reality show that I cannot wait to watch. So here's where I need your advice. How do I approach my son about his fast-paced party animal lifestyle without coming off like the cool mom trying too hard or the concerned parent who just sounds like a buzzkill? Should I invite him to a family dinner and casually drop some life advice between bites of lasagna?
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Or do I set up a surprise intervention with a PowerPoint presentation, second PowerPoint reference in three emails?
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No. Yeah, who uses PowerPoint? Someone says they're sending me a PowerPoint and I immediately go, not for me. Help me out here because I want to keep the lines of communication open without losing my sanity or my son. Thank you for any laughs or wisdom you might share. Thanks, AI.
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All right, the original email, let me just like, I'll put a summary to it because it's also very long and I don't want to get into every little inch of it. But basically, this lady is in her 40s. She does have a son that's 20 years old that's working in the restaurant business for like the last two years. He's really gone off the deep end. He's bringing like new girls home.
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It is. It is time for baby bird to fly from the nest. If you are a bartender, you should be living on your own because that's a lifestyle. You don't throw on anybody else except for another bartender. That's it. That's the only reason. Or a server. Or a server, yeah. Someone else that works till 3 a.m. in the morning.
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Listen, there's no advice I can give you because this kid is going to live his life. This is basically the closest you're going to be to Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters is being a bartender at a popular bar. That's it. I don't know what else to say. If you're into the ladies, there's going to be lots of them. If you're halfway good looking, they're going to come home with you.
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You are drinking, you are drugging, you are having a party. The only advice I can give you as a parent myself, who hopefully does never have to deal with this, you need to just tell him to be careful, wrap it up, be consensual, and don't get crazy on the cheese whiz because the cheese whiz can get crazy on you. That's it. That's all I got to say. And take an Uber. Take an Uber. Yeah, take an Uber.
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Not too much nose candy. About an eight ball a night is probably the max. That's a sweet spot. That's a sweet spot for me. An eight ball, a couple of Percocets, six to 12 Bud Lights with a couple of whiskey drinks and a pack of six. One pack of cigarettes per night. If you're going for the second pack of cigarettes, you're over the eight ball limit.
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And then there's no reason to be out on the streets. Listen, the gas station guy knows. He knows. He knows when you're walking in at 430 in the morning for a pack of Camel Lights that you're fucked up.
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No, that's the other thing that I'd say. If he's a bartender at a popular bar, the guy is making loot, right? I mean, bartenders make good money if they're good at what they do.
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They make good money. If they make good money, they likely can afford a place on their own. I know Ontario right now, which she did right from Canada. I know Canada is having some inflationary problems. Everything is very expensive up there, just like it is here. But tell him to get a roommate. Get a roommate. That's it. Get a roommate. Let them live their best life.
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If he's smart like I was, by the time he's 48, he'll decide to calm down a little bit. Right.
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Now that the special is being previewed, we have yet again gotten it wrong, Chrissy. That is not what Jamie Foxx said.
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Yeah. Just tell him, listen, you know, when you're working in the restaurant business, it moves at a fast pace. It really is the rock and roll lifestyle. It's just close to being a rock star as you can come without being an actual rock star. And it's fast and it's loose, but mistakes happen and people get in trouble and you have to be careful.
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So explain to him that just don't go crazy on the drugs. Always take an Uber. Always make sure it's consensual and wrap it the fuck up. Because the last thing, the thing that will cramp your bartender lifestyle is a child. How do I know? I've got 40 of them. And they cramp my style. All of them. I can't get a fucking good night's sleep here.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Grandpa. I'm a man. Not you. I was talking to her. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Yeah, to the AI. Yeah. Plus, when he... Yeah, to AI. Exactly. Exactly. Tom Cruise cocktail PowerPoint presentations. That's what we've learned from AI. We are all fucked. You're right about that, Chrissy. Here's the other thing that I have to share with you. You won't be so incredibly worried about your son when you don't know every machination of what's going on.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
No, you don't even know what time he's coming in. You don't even know who he's coming home with. You don't need girls popping out of the closet. That kind of shit is free. If girls are popping out of the closet, call the police, honestly. Like your son's a creep. Girls are popping out of the closet. Well, there you go. That's a twist. There you go. Ask AITCB. There you go. Bam!
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Jamie Foxx didn't say that. Jamie Foxx talked about rumors that he had been poisoned, to which he said, I don't know about that. Like, I don't have any information on whether or not I was poisoned. I wasn't poisoned.
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Silly romantic love stories made up whole cloth by AI for one reason I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
It's like I just put a little AI, you know, I don't know, child worker to like, you know, here, go write some stories for me.
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Yeah. Here you go. Here you go. Just feeding you. They're all coming up to the surface and biting. All right. You ready? Before we go, I got to tell you about TLC's brand new reality show starting in January. It's a girl who has severe Tourette's syndrome and she's trying to find love. I could not wait for this show. Oh, yeah. She's cute.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
She's got like Tourette's, like the kind of Tourette's where you yell and scream things. And one of the trailers has her in an airport and she's waiting in line for her security. And there's pictures of guns, you know, don't take guns. And she's screaming, I have a gun! I have And I'm like, oh, but she's dating a guy, like another handsome man.
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So TLC just continues to knock it out of the park, fetishizing all the weird things that go on in this world. And what can I say to TLC? You're making a living off the backs of people. But hey, listen, if you become a reality star, right, even on the fetishizing of your Tourette's syndrome, I mean, I guess that's not a terrible thing at the end of the day. No, just careful in the plastic surgery.
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Those people deserve all the shit that they get.
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Yes. It's awful. They have turned into caricatures of themselves. Yeah. I don't even know.
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You know, I'm watching so many Instagram reels about so many, mainly women, but it's happening to men too, whose fillers are just out of control now. They're migrating all over their face. They're getting weird. Stacey and Darcy are two of these who just had so much work done, so many fillers put in, that their lips look like balloons. Their cheeks are almost closing their eyes completely.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
That sounds like, I have no reason to believe otherwise, but isn't that what everybody's saying? Isn't everybody saying they left the party early? So who in fact stayed at the party? If everybody left the party early, who was still there? Was it Jay-Z or Beyonce?
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Their foreheads are lumpy. Yeah. It's weird. Be careful. Be mindful. You're all right. Stacey and Darcy, while not my flavor in women, were beautiful girls in the first place. They were. Yeah. And now not. Yeah. They've always been destined for reality show success. They've been doing this even before TLC. They were making their own reality shows with their dad.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
And the truth is that, you know, they've got those kind of personalities that I guess some people like and they want to follow around and they're interested in the story. You don't have to blow your face up like that. That's just terrible. And now you're going to suffer the consequences. When do those fillers go away? Never, according to some doctors.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Yeah. The doctors are saying that that doesn't work. Not all of them. Yeah, not all of them.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
One doctor was saying, there's like a doctor on Instagram, and he's a plastic surgeon who does fillers. And he says, when you do the fillers in the lips and some other places, he's like, there's some room for error, right? And if it migrates, it's going to migrate somewhere else in your lips. He's like, but people who are getting like, you know...
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
eyebrow fillers, cheek fillers, you know, whatever fillers, chin fillers, all this other stuff to make themselves more defined. He's like, we can try and dissolve those things, but the truth is not all of it is ever going to be dissolved. It's going to live in your body until the day that you die. And he's like, we can't stop the migration from happening.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
We're seeing it happen over and over again. So be careful, kids, with the fillers. And also, the commercial break is now selling fillers. Come on down to TCB Studios. It's a filler party. Yeah, that's the other thing is that you don't even need a license. I mean, you can just fill. Anybody can fill anybody. That's the insane part about it is that there is literally zero regulation on this.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
And you can open up a shop tomorrow, call yourself a cosmetic whatever, and then start filling people. Isn't that true?
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
You have to get them. Okay, well, maybe I'm wrong about that.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Drama drop. Well, here's the other thing. The veneers are out of control. Veneers and fillers. Make sure you do those by someone licensed. And for God's sakes, if you're going to get anthrax put into your eyes, make sure it's by a doctor, someone who actually went to school for that shit. All right. Merry Christmas, everybody.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
All right. Okay, so there you go. Ask DCB. AI-flavored Ask DCB. Yeah, AI-twisted. AI-twisted Ask DCB. TCBpodcast.com. That's where you go. You get more information about the show, all the show notes, the audio, the video. It's all there from one, right there from one location. No need to go anywhere else.
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Wow. I mean, this P. Diddy thing has legs. It's going to keep running for a long, long time. Okay. But it's Christmas and I don't want to talk about P. Diddy. Thank you. Let's talk about number two. I had claimed here on the commercial break that I was, in fact, one of the world's best lip sync detectors. Yes, you did.
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And now every single episode of The Commercial Break is available on video, either on the website, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak, and soon on Spotify. I think we actually, I added a couple episodes yesterday, and I think they're going to start doing that with every episode. So you'll be able to watch it on Spotify if that's what you're into. Why not? I'm into it. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
There's no money in it, but whatever. There's no money in this either. That's our business plan. That's our business model. I'm not Kylie Kelsey.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Yeah, let's do that. Wherever the money is not, let's do that. All right. Yeah, I'm not Kylie Kelsey. I have 75 million people waiting for me to say a word. That's unbelievable. Kylie Kelsey. Who knew?
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Who knew? What did she have to say? I don't even know what she's all about.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
I guess we'll figure that out. At the commercial break on Instagram, if you would, please do go ahead and follow us. TikTok, as long as it's around, TCB Podcast on TikTok. As long as that's a thing. I'll have to go remove my Jamie Foxx video. It was getting attention.
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I'm just perpetuating the rumor he tried to stop.
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Well, God bless. I'm not making any money on TikTok either. 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, ask TCB. We'll get to it, or we'll put it in AI and make fun of it. Also, National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, link down in the show notes, as well as the St. Jude Network of Hospitals. Please go donate. They need your money, and they're doing good work.
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Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for right now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
that I could tell when someone was lip syncing with almost certainty because my eyes are so fantastic, as is my hearing, according to Apple's new hearing test.
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have no family to celebrate christmas with this year the commercial break is live the entire holiday season to make you even more miserable than you currently are so put your christmas pajamas on gather around the christmas tree and listen to brand new episodes of the commercial break
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But I might be wrong because there is a guy who broke down Taylor Swift's concerts, like five of them, layered them on top of each other, took pieces of songs, and then ran it through some very accurate machinery to see whether or not there was a track or if she was in fact singing live. And without any doubt, at least if you take this guy's
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
You know, his graphs, his charts, charts and graphs and things that he has. And I don't know who this guy is either. Let me give him a shout out and then you can go watch his video if you so choose. This is, let me give his channel a shout out here because he was the one who, this is Wings of Pegasus. Nothing like Wings of Pegasus to get your...
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Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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I think Wings of Pegasus is going to dethrone Kylie Kelsey tomorrow. Wings of Pegasus did a breakdown, a thorough analysis of... It seems pretty scientific to me, at least. I don't know the first thing about it. And he, in fact, shows that the track that's being used, at least in part of the concert... is the same, the exact same during five concerts. There's no fluctuation in vocal tone.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
There's no fluctuation in timing. There's no fluctuation in texture of her voice or any of that stuff. It's all exactly the same. Now, some people might say, oh, my God, I can't believe I got hoodwinked into watching someone lip sync. And I say, really, who fucking cares at the end of the day? I mean, to get up there. No, it's a whole show. It's a performance. Yeah, to dance and sing.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
And I'm not, like... I think it's pretty well known at this point that a lot of artists use backing tracks or use pre-recorded vocals. And is that, are you there? Like, it's not Bruce Springsteen. You know what I'm saying? You're not there to see a 17-hour concert and watch a band take it to the absolute limit with all its foibles and flaws.
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It's not the Grateful Dead where you go Franklin's Tower into Slipknot, back into Frankenstein.
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franklin's tower and it's seven hours long that's not what you're seeing you're seeing a pop sensation do pop songs and quite frankly you probably do want to hear the album version of those songs like if she was actually singing there might be bad nights and and i i think about this too is when you have such a machine that's running can you afford to have a bad night can you cancel because your voice doesn't feel good can you uh
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Can you afford, can everybody else afford to have those weird fluctuations in vocal tones and textures or ambient noises or whatever? No, you can't. Do you think Live Nation is going to let that happen? So while it looks incredibly convincing, I would say that what I now know is I am not the world's foremost expert on lip sync detection.
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December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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The wings of Pegasus is, and he has determined that Taylor Swift is in fact lip-syncing.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Yeah, she's got the Disney Plus thing out right now.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Yeah, they're recording probably another one because people just can't get enough of it. Well, yeah, exactly. Why not? And Taylor's getting paid. Disney Plus had to have paid her $50, $60, $70 million to have that footage be aired on Disney Plus. And I don't know. I'm going to imagine that if my household is any indication, we have probably paid for half of that documentary.
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Because it's not. Non-stop running in this house all the time. And so, yeah, there has to be some cohesion. You tie those nights together, right? You take the good and the bad and you chop it up and you edited it. And that's why you record a couple different nights. And you have to have the same, like... like vocal intonations on the same night.
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So it would make sense that you would have some kind of backing track at least to lead you along so you knew where you were in tune. But this was not the nights where she was recorded for that documentary. This was, in fact, like... It was like Tokyo, Amsterdam... I forget it. Nottingham, England or something like that.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
He takes it and he puts it all together and what comes up, it's like a fingerprint. It matches exactly every night. And that... I guess surprised me because I thought I was pretty good at detecting whether or not someone was lip syncing. But then also you could hear some of like the, what they call the plosives. Listen to my voice. You can hear a plosive, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
It's my P's are popping a little bit. And that's an indication that I am in fact doing this live. No lip syncing here. There is plosives in my voice. And so there are plosives in her voice. And I noticed that when I saw her live. And so I thought, oh, clearly she's live. But then this guy shared that that's a pretty common tactic. You go into the studio and you record these live.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
With the plosives. With the plosives. You leave them in so it, in fact, does sound live.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Wings of Pegasus. I'll tell you what. Youth is wasted on the youth. You know what I'm saying? Wings of Pegasus is probably 19 years old. He's got a million views on one video. He's probably 10. I'm 20. What's that? I said he's probably 10. Nah, I don't think he's 10. He's got a nice guitar. You don't give 10-year-olds nice guitars.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Oh, it was a video. Oh, it was a video. It was a YouTube video. Yeah, Wings of Pegasus. Check that out.
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Yeah, now listen, Dave Grohl might have been right. Remember when Dave Grohl was making a big stink? He was picking a fight with Taylor Swift saying, at least we sing live or something like that. Do you remember that? Yeah, vaguely. Okay. Well, he was making a big stink and he got all the Swifties all upset at him. And then he said, at least we're singing live.
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And, you know, to which she responded, we're live, isn't it? Or whatever, you know, she said. And the fact remains, it's very possible that that $2 billion concert was just one big miming event. She was out there miming a lot to her own music.
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Yeah, this is honestly the least surprising thing I've heard all day. It's more surprising to me that... Jay-Z and everybody else left the party early, then it is that Taylor Swift might be, in fact, lip-singing at least in parts of her show. There's like a part in her show where she sings like this 12-minute song. Don't know what it is. It's about Jake Gyllenhaal, apparently.
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All Too Well. It's a really pretty song, actually. But it goes on forever and ever. There's like a four-minute version and there's a 12-minute version. She plays the 12-minute version at the show. At least she did at the one I was at. And I thought it was a really lovely song. I have to imagine there is no way that that was pre-recorded.
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Because it did sound to me at times like she was in or out of tune. And so I thought, you know, that's... And I saw her face. I could see her and her guitar. She was playing the guitar. I could hear the strumming in the monitors. And then I could see that her vocals were there. So... You know, listen, if only...
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When I was in 33P, we had had the opportunity or the technology to have backing tracks, auto-tune, and someone else sing our songs and create them and write them. It would have been possible that I also would have been a superstar. Because everybody's looking for an aging, bald, white guy with glasses who's over-opinionated, over-caffeinated, and over-stimulated to be a rock star. Yeah.
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Doesn't the world need another Dave Grohl? Doesn't the world need another Dave Grohl? Am I right? Am I right? Is Dave Grohl wearing a wig? Shall we find out? I don't think so, actually.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Dave Grohl should go into hiding. There's a point when you just say to yourself, well, there's nothing good that's going to come of this. Listen, you know, he's a rock star. He's a rock star. You know, I think we put a little bit too much faith in some people sometimes that they're always going to do the right thing. He's a rock star. And also, didn't he like...
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Hasn't he been on a chain of, if you look back on his relationship history, like a chain of cheating on people and then getting into a long-term relationship with them? I don't know.
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He got somebody pregnant? Yep, he did. Out of wedlock? Okay. That's also the least surprising thing that I've heard all day. The guy from the Foo Fighters got someone pregnant. Honestly, you go on tour for, you know, 200 nights a year. That's got to be incredibly difficult just to keep the relationship together.
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And then on top of that, all of the temptations and the just the seductions of being out on the road. Plus, you're in and out of touring buses, hotels, you know, like press events, all this other stuff. At some point, that's got to be so stressful and hard. And additionally boring that you just like need to liven it up a little bit. So a little cocaine and getting the locals pregnant.
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Santa! Oh, my God! Oh, yeah, guys and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. It's 12 days of TCB, day number three. Jingle to your jangle. Chris and Joy, how are they? Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Oh, was it? Oh, well, then fuck him. Yeah. you. It was a one night stand kind of pregnancy that I can understand. Right. OK. Sorry. Whoops. I'm a rock star. What do you want me to do? But then you're doing a long term relationship. Come on, Dave. You know better than that. You drink too much Red Bull to get. I mean, come on, Dave. Let's get it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, we wish you a Merry Christmas it is. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, I've sufficiently beat my children into submission, so we shouldn't hear any more of that. Okay, so after my Megan and Harry rant, you remember the first time you went to Jeff's house for the holidays, Jeff's parents' house for the holidays, Jeff's family's house for the holidays. Yes. How was it?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. I think that is, in my opinion, the first time you meet the parents or the parents and then the first time you do holidays together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Those are two big indicators of whether or not things are on the right track. Yes. Are you going to be a fit? You guys can get along just perfectly fine together, but... Do you do well on vacation? Do you do well when you're sick? Do you do well staying together in the same place more than five nights in a row? And do you get together or do you do well at family events, introductions, family?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the mistletoe to my camel toe, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And those family holidays, those can be make it or break it. Because let's be honest, if you go over to your loved one's house and their parents are shitheads or you just don't get along with them or they give you the side eye, it's very difficult to get over that. You don't want to go to your loved one's families forever. holidays, you're likely not going to last very long.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And I have been through this. I know this. I stayed with someone way too long, and their family hated me. And it was very uncomfortable. They hated me so much that I wouldn't even get invited to the holidays. What? It would be like she would just avoid it. You know, well, I'm going to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, so I'll see you on Christmas Day. Really? And I'd be like...
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You, I, you don't want me to come in. No, it's like a pajama party probably. And then I would see pictures on Facebook and there'd be like 12 people over there. Me not included. Fuck you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. It was just a drama or she would start an argument the day before Christmas, even that way. It was, there was an excuse not to have me over. The truth was, I don't think her family liked me. I didn't like them very much. Any, it was a, it was a, it was mutual. Yeah. I don't like you either. Yeah. It was really her stepdad that I didn't like.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But anyway, besides the point, parents have a lot of influence and sway over people's relationships. Families and parents, they can make or break a relationship. And here, while we're talking about this, I'm going to give you a little piece of Brian Greene advice when it comes to families and relationships.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Do not tell your mom or dad, brother or sister, or maybe even best friend about every single argument that you have with your partner. No. Because they will slowly start to despise your partner and it will come tearing apart at the seams when your mother and father tell you that they're no good for you because all you guys do is fight because that's all you talk about is when you fight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. We're doing it. We're rolling through the 12 days, the 13 days, or the 20 days of TCB, depending on how you count it. Don't worry. We'll get our maths right in 2025. Megan and Harry making quite the, having quite the kerfuffle over there at Netflix. Are they? So, I have never really been into the royals.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Okay, sisters, I think you can get... There's like a little bit of an exception there because sisters and brothers, you have that...
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But I have seen this play out in real life where you slowly start to turn people against your partner, even though that's not really how you feel, because the thing that you talk most loudly about or most forcefully about are the arguments and disagreements that you have. And you don't color it in with all the wonderful that they're doing. But you're right. They were bad for me in the first place.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
So fuck them. In the 90s, MTV knew this. MTV knew that parents held the most sway over who their children dated or fell in love with. And they built a whole show around it, Chrissy. And it was called Parental Control. Now, while I was hunting, Christina and I got in a text message chain. She was telling me about another MTV show we may or may not review.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And then that got me thinking about the other dating shows that were on MTV in the 90s and early 2000s that were, quite frankly, fucking insane. They would never fly now. But back then, it was a different time. Parental Control was a short-lived show. I think it was only three or four seasons. But it was a literally... I mean, it's a great concept.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm not sure how well it's done, but it's a great concept. And that is rather than you pick your boyfriend or girlfriend, the parents will. And here's the twist. You already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So it's your parents trying to pick a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, who agrees to go on these fucking shows?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You must be so thirsty when you say, yeah, I'll let your mom and dad pick a new dick. Yeah, no problem. I got that part down. So parental control. I thought it would be a great time this Christmas, now that we're thinking about spending time with family we don't love, to go ahead and review parental control.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, I may need your help. Hi, I'm Eddie. I got it. Ah, there you go. All right, this is an episode... Parental control.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Can I just say the out loud part here? Lauren does not look like the child of the father. I'm just going to share that right now. But Lauren might be adopted. You never know. There's just one problem.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
He came straight out of a Blink-182 video. He's wearing sunglasses, spiky gelled hair, graphic t-shirt, and board shorts. And he got really close to the camera from up to down. Of course. That's all the rage back there. Limp Bizkit.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They bleeped out jerk. They really bleeped out jerk.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
This is the most New Jersey family I've ever seen in my entire life, by the way.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. Teresa Caputo haircut on the mom. Dad's, what does he have, a trash compacting company or something, a construction company? Waste management. Yes. And now the little soprano in training is sitting next to them waiting for the girlfriend to go out on two dates. Handpicked by mom and dad. How do they handpick them? Find them in a grocery store?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I think we talked about this when the queen died and then, you know, we have to be careful. We have a... We have one of those in the building.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm pretty sure the producers just showed up at the front door with these two good necks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
New dick. New dick. No control. This is back when shows actually had an opening, like a theme song. Now it's just, you just go straight into the television show. People don't have the patience for theme songs anymore.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
First of all, when it's break it down. Yeah. Well, now they would say he knows how to dick me down.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Your parents are, though. Yeah. So, Meghan and Harry have broken away from the royals. Okay. Yeah, of course. And they came over here to the United States, I think in the hopes and the wishes, probably the expectation that they would take over America, that they would be the king and queen of the United States of America, at least in a pop culture sense, right? Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
My pretend punching abilities are right here. Wow. Now, clearly, this is just for the camera. This is all scripted, you can tell, because they're poorly saying these lines. But if he really does say things like that to her, then I can understand where these parents are coming from. 100%. Someone's talking like that to my daughter in front of me, and it's game over.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They're outside the MTV Network's building, which is so un-MTV-like. I just have to say that. It's like it's just a normal office building. And they have a line. What I can imagine is clearly set up a shot of a line of guys, maybe 50 of them, standing in line waiting to get the front door.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Was that Nick Lachey? I think it was Nick Lachey. Well, he lasted about as long on this as he does on that Love is Blind. They walk in and walk out of the door. Yeah, that's true. And by the way, I'm making fun of people showing up to the MTV networks. This is the guy who sent in at least two applications to real world. That's right. At least. Yep.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I got to imagine they're like in their early 20s. But yeah, he said I'm a semi-pro babysitter. A semi-pro babysitter.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Hey, listen, that's a guy I can get behind right there. Not the rat trap part. Sorry, you're out. But a guy who actually gets his hands dirty for a living is someone I'm okay with.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Because, you know, Meghan had already been famous here in the United States. And then, you know, everybody loves Harry after his jaunt in Las Vegas with his penis hanging out. You know, everyone was really excited. You remember that? Remember when he was showing his penis in Las Vegas? Good for Harry. Don't stop Harry from having a good time. You can't fault Harry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Nothing like showing up with the graphic wolf tee that's got Mandy Moore on it to profess your love to Mandy Moore. And keep it open, you know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
uh beavis beavis to be fair i think it's the first yeah you set them up for that one yeah i would have said brains but you know okay
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Badonkadonk. Oh, my God. This is a relic. Someone put this in a time capsule.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm not sure who's more thirsty here, the parents or the kids. The parents definitely seem thirsty.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Well, we already know that the parents aren't going to like this guy for stereotypical. Listen, New Jersey drones. That's all I got to say. Jersey drones.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
He said, give me a break, bitch. I'm trying. Nothing like impressing mom. Like calling her a bitch.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
A five some. Intercourse. He said intercourse. Well, at least his expectations are reasonable.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I would like to have... That guy is literally a definition of a lug nut.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, dude, come on, man. You clearly. I mean, is this Joe Rogan? Is this Rogan?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Being a royal has got to suck in a lot of ways. I mean, it's got to be awesome in a lot of ways, but it's got to suck in a lot of ways. So they break away from the Royals. They make the announcement. They come over to California to embed with all the other rich people, Kanye and Kim and all those other people. And then Netflix comes a calling, as you know that they would.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, yeah. 60 is nothing to brag about, bro. First of all. Second of all, we all know who they're going to pick. They're going to pick the dude with the hat who sets the rat traps. And they're going to pick Johnny Come Lately with the Mountain Dew hair.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are crypto bros now. I just want you to know that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I love this music. It is so 2000. Okay, let's do this. Let's see what we got. I'm so ready. All right. That's my baby right there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, are they on a Macintosh 001? I think they're using a laptop to pick. I think so. And MTV has put a, like, has overlaid it with a shot of the six guys that, or nine guys that they're looking at. This could not have been more unrealistic, this show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, the guy who's currently dating their daughter. Yeah, I think he then went on to try on for Jersey Shore. Then he went on to try on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, yes. He looks like a Jersey Shore Reject. He's a punk ass.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Ooh. I mean... If one of my daughter's boyfriends said that to me. No way.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It was either going to be a podcast on Amazon Studios or it was going to be Netflix. And Netflix, being the king of the... streaming world, so to speak, said, here's $100 million. Go out there and make us some fresh content. And Meghan and Harry promised to deliver. And what they delivered was a hot steaming... They walked in the room. They walked in the Netflix executive boardroom.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. Versus the bee. I can't believe his name is really Chad.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Honestly, if there's any reality in this, like if this actually happened, that the new potential boyfriend showed up at a function at the house and you had to sit there and watch your girlfriend go on a date with another guy, that would be torture, I think. Especially for an 18-year-old.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
This dude needs to eat the cheeseburger. He's really skinny. He is very skinny. All right, before we get into the dates, maybe we should take a break. Let's remind you one more time. We would love if you would do some good with us this holiday season and donate to one of the charities. This one y'all picked, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Couldn't agree more on this one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Helping women and children who have suffered at the hands of abusers get back on their feet and make their way in the world. Just like good old Jeremy here is going to have to do after his girlfriend goes out with a real man. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They stood on the table and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd. Because besides that very first reality show that they had, that really, let's be honest about it, while it revealed some stuff about the royals... Was it a reality show?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, and we're back with Parental Control. We're currently watching, what's his name? Can't remember. Jeremy. We're watching Jeremy suffer at the hands of MTV as his girlfriend goes on a date with the real man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Chad, I just can't get over his name is actually Chad.
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Ooh, snap. Does MTV pay for the counseling after this? They're going scurfing, by the way, which I've done many times myself.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, that is honestly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Who wants to skateboard on a ten and a half foot long surfboard?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, notice all the kids scurfing out there. I belong to the National Association of Scurfers. I'm a scurf herder, if you know what I mean. And by the way, and we'll talk about this when this is done, but what really surprises me about this is how truncated these dates end up being. Watch. They're going to go skate down one half a block.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They're going to have a little picnic in the park, and then it's going to be done. She's got to choose someone else.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
While it was... Interesting in some respects. It wasn't their story. Yeah, it wasn't that interesting. I mean, let's be honest about it. And since then, they have done almost nothing of note. And now to cap their story. Time at Netflix, the hundred million dollars, one hundred million dollars that they received to create these like four shitty television shows.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Did they put them on cue cards or something? They must. This guy is not smart enough to come up with these on his own.
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Yes, it would. What is the difference between the T-shirt and jeans that the current guy is wearing and the T-shirt and jeans that the other guy is wearing?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
There's no way. Yeah, honestly. They're not married. This is weird. This is weird. It's all weird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, this guy's throwing a fit over here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I had an amazing seven minutes with you. I'm glad. Scurfing is my new favorite sport. I didn't even have a chance to eat a fish taco. Bye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Was it crazy fun? Was it really crazy fun? Yeah. I have a feeling that they picked people who were... The family dynamics were already well established. They know that she's going to pick the guy she's already dating and that this is just like... They're thirsty. They're going on TV to be on TV. Yes, of course this is pretend. You don't talk to your...
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
your loved one's parents like this and expect to get away with it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's got to be her brother. You might be right about this. It might be the brother. Real man's like, Lauren.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They have produced a I guess a 10 part miniseries on Polo, a docuseries on Polo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I just hope Lauren sees in him what I saw in him. Fine, firm arms and a nice round potato bottom.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, both of these dates take place on the same day if the clothing is any indicator because they're wearing the exact same thing they were wearing for the last date.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. I actually wanted to watch that. Bringing polo to the masses. Because, you know, when you have to buy horses, stables, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of veterinary care, and you have to have four horses just to play one match of polo. Four horses.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, I know what happened to Jeremy. He got his GED and now he's working for the local sanitation company selling ecstasy on weeknights at the under 18 club in the boardwalk.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's just like what they told us in the production meeting. We're going to blow leaf. We're going to blow the balls up and down the thing. Did MTV try and figure out the corniest games that they could play with these people? It sounds like it. Why don't they just go on a regular date? Get a cup of coffee. Have dinner. Make out in the back of a car. I mean, what's up with this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Gas, time, money. The good news is, Chrissy, they'll only be playing for two and a half minutes. Any date you've ever taken her on?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Things are getting heated there in the house. Geez. If I'm not dad, I'm just jumping on Jeremy. I'm not talking anymore. Not that I condone violence in any way, shape, or form. But in this case, I might condone violence in every way, shape, or form. Oh, this seems like no fun whatsoever. They're trying to blow an exercise ball with battery-powered leaf blowers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. And they're six-minute little intervals. I don't know what they call them. Hex or cues or quads. Jaunts. Jaunts. Yeah, jaunt. Four different horses that you switch, like every three minutes you switch a horse and you rest one and then you go. I watched the first 15 minutes of this terrible, terrible documentary trying to make it look like polo is the everyman sport.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, yeah, it does not look like any fun whatsoever.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That date was so fun. Let's sit down here in front of these hot, bright lights and talk to each other.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Juice and oranges. He did not bring juice and oranges. He's an 18-year-old boy. He did not know how to do anything. He doesn't know how to cut up oranges. That's completely unrealistic.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I don't know. They told me to lie about this part. Me and my friends totally came up with it in the production meeting right before we came on here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
We're changing the name of the commercial break to Brian's Escape.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Anybody you're dating. When someone that I know says, I mean, I described one of my girlfriends like this for like four years. She's great. She's just got issues.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That people who play polo are really sports heroes. And that the people around them suffer because of the sport that they play. Sacrifice, toil, and trouble that comes with playing polo in Palm Beach, Florida. Fuck you! Megan and Harry, fuck you. I got to be real honest with you. This is the dumbest fucking idea that they could have possibly had. They make themselves look even more entitled.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm a little wiped out from running a blower up and down the half of soccer field.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You have great legs that I can feel through these shin guards and these soccer socks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Okay. Let's make a decision. The moment has arrived, Chrissy. What will she do? Predictions on the table?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm going to say she sticks with the current guy that she has. He's got issues. Yeah, he's got issues, but when someone has issues, that usually means everyone has issues. You know what I'm saying? And they've been together for a long time. I know this. Trust me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, elimination. Oh, elimination time. The stakes are very high. The music very dramatic. Standing in a living room that hasn't been renovated since 1979. Here we go. Wood family.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And he gave her an ankle massage. I know. Threw her over the sock ankle massage. I mean, that's second base in some religions. It is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
By the way, how much goop does he have in his hair?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Gel is literally dripping out of the top of his hair.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They make themselves look even more out of touch. And they put themselves at a level that is unbelievably unattainable. No one can play polo because it's such a fucking expensive sport. Let's not even get into the treatment of the horses. You don't have enough time in your lifetime, in two of your regular lifetimes, to even have one year of polo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Chad, what? What happened to Jeremy? I have to know. I will follow up. I will let you know. Next episode of the 12 Days of TCB, we're going to figure out exactly what happened to Jeremy and whether any of this was real at all.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes, Christina will text me at midnight and remind me to figure out what happened to Jeremy. Or she'll find out, probably before I do. Wow, that really was a terrible television show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I was too. At the end, despite how terrible it was, and now I remember watching a lot of these episodes. And I always... was so interested in the outcome and always rooting for the new guys because, you know, the old guys were assholes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Of course. But you could tell it was all fake as he was walking out of the house and he pretended to throw the camera.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
So obviously terribly fake. But, you know, it was a more innocent time back then.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, early 2000s, for sure. Yeah. Dr. Phil, Maury. No 90-day fiancé, though. None of that. None of that didn't come around until the 2014s, 15s. Anyway, all right. Well, listen. Another day knocked off. Scratch that off our advent calendar, Chrissy. We opened a gift, and it was Jeremy going home. I can see Christina literally scratching it off the calendar. Thank you. I appreciate that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, TCBpodcast.com. That's where you will go to get your free TCB sticker. All you got to do is go to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address. Away it will go. Also, all the audio, all the video right there on the website. If that's how you choose to listen or watch it, it's all there available to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And now, for your viewing pleasure, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. You can go there and see every episode of the commercial break moving forward on YouTube. Usually drops the exact same time that the audio does on Spotify. We have video a couple of days after the episode drops. So go over there. Like, subscribe, follow all that good jazz at The Commercial Break on Instagram.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
TCB Podcast on TikTok. And 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Let us know how you're enjoying the 12 days of TCB. We'd love to hear from you. And please donate to one of our great causes that we've been focusing on for the last couple of days. We would appreciate it. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe and Jeremy also. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Two of your regulars equal one day of Meghan and Harry. Because apparently Harry can twiddle off to fucking St. Croix and play a polo match while you and I are sitting here doing the 65,000 hours of TCB just so we can pay health insurance. It's fucking unbelievable. It really is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's the audacity to try and make polo seem like an everyman's sport, when what it really is, is like the egotistical, it's like the epitome of obnoxious, rich entitlement, in my opinion. And I watched however long I could digest of this, and all it shows is good-looking, white, rich men Doing nothing but riding their horses along all day. Riding their red rockets as they do.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Boys just mounting things as they do. Shirtless sometimes because let's make sure we get in the abs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes, thank you. Let's get to something that's a little bit more realistic. Like, you know, gay guys dolling up straight guys for a hobby. Let me tell you something. If Netflix wants to spend $100 million, they can come here and drop $100 million right here, and I will work so fucking hard to give you the most mediocre content that's ever been produced on Netflix.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It won't be all that good, but it won't be terrible, I promise you. And it won't be about fucking horses and rich people. Meghan and Harry. That's all I got to say. Honestly, I was kind of rooting for Meghan and Harry at some point. I was like, okay, they're getting a bad rap. They're over here. They're just trying to make their way in the world.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But now that this polo thing has come out, I'm 100% against Meghan and Harry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
briefly okay briefly because you know they don't want to they didn't want it to be a documentary about harry just playing polo but this is such a steaming pile of turd and netflix knows it that there has been no promotional materials made no one has been out on podcasts uh abc nbc morning shows no one's talking about it there are no trailers running around you know other streaming platforms or however they do these things and there's no conversation to our
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
See if you can digest even 30 minutes of this particular show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It really got my goat. In a time when people are really suffering to make ends meet, and a lot of us are struggling with paying healthcare costs or for feeding our families or getting from point A to point B. Listen, we are blessed that we get to make a living doing what we're doing. Super blessed. And I'll never complain about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
having this job I don't dig ditches for a living I'm not up on high rises you know doing rivets or do they still do rivets I'm not sure do they still do rivets okay whatever it is I'm doing I'm not complaining about doing this for a living what's rivets window washing rivets you know rivets you know the guys that we used to like the iron workers they would do rivets hot rivets they'd throw them to each other in buckets never mind this is a different story for a different day but we don't do rivets and so you know I feel blessed in that sense I really do
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But to try and make polo approachable, like as if it was something that anybody, that 99.99% of human beings could even pretend to want to do. Listen, golf is bad enough. You really, you have to pay $150 every time. Do you hear that? I have horses running right outside my door. That is unbelievable how loud that is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
My daughter, one of my daughters is so loud, she walks like her dad does with her heels, and you can just hear it all through the entire house. To make polo try and seem approachable, and that people suffer because of the sport that they play.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, it's like in the beginning, you know how they say, coming up on this season of, you know, right? It's these wives of the polo players, and they're like... Everybody around him, you know, no one gets enough time from him. Everybody suffers because of polo. Everybody.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, suffering is not drinking, you know, lazy teenies in fucking, you know, Martinique every Thursday on your way to your private jet going to a polo match. That's not suffering.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
suffering is uh being denied health care that's what suffering is and these people have no idea what suffering is because that's not the world that they live in i mean i listen i understand suffering is relative like stress is relative suffering is relative and if you work hard for your money i don't fault you for being a billionaire a millionaire do what you want to do with it but please don't try and pull the wool over our eyes and all of a sudden make it seem like polo is the thing everybody we should have been paying attention to polo all along
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You look at the formula for a successful sports documentary, docupick, docudrama, whatever it is. Aaron Hernandez story. Aaron Hernandez came from nothing. Now, he did murder a bunch of people. I'm sorry about that. But he came from nothing, right? The guy comes from nothing. Father is abusive. No money in the home.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
and he struggles all his life to be accepted, to figure out who he is, and he becomes one of the better football players. A lot of drama, a lot of strife. In there is brewing a good story for a docu-series or a docudrama or whatever it is. My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can't use him in my polo match today is not anything that I'm fucking concerned with.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It really isn't, except for the horse that has the strain, quote unquote, because we really know what's going on. That horse is in the glue factory, fuckers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
fuck you megan and harry fuck you you know who's gonna get mad about this marianne because she is a royalist oh she is she is a royal well actually maybe she's a royalist she won't really care about megan and harry well that's true she's a true royalist right that's true how do your parents feel about megan and harry they hate them of course they do of course i get it are they fans of charles
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's part of their existence. It is what it is, and they're not really plussed either way. They don't really give a shit. Well, listen, I didn't really give a shit until I saw... The absolute shit show that was Polo on Netflix. I mean, $100 million. $100 million.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They've had a lot of stuff that's just kind of failed because, let's be honest about it, they're not all that good at making television. There was like this whole expose on the Daily Beast. I know, it's terrible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
There's this whole expose on the Daily Beast or something about this particular series and how the people at Netflix are so frustrated with Meghan and Harry, Meghan specifically, because they had come to Netflix and pitched that they were going to put together a television series called
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
docu-series that basically touched people's lives and you know did good work and bridged whatever and then they come to them with this like you know completed polo series and netflix is like what the fuck is that you know what the fuck is this why are we doing this and that's why they're burying it and now apparently what is left in the can is a cooking show by megan and
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That has been sitting on the shelf for like nine months that no one wants to put out there for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't get into the specifics about Netflix. But I'm telling you right now, Netflix could drop a tenth of that, $10 million on us, and we would create some high entertainment. I'd basically just take a camera and watch my kids run up and down the – Oh, my God. Hey, guys.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Hey, we're trying to work it here. I'm trying not to become the Megan and Harry of podcasting and drop a steaming pile on everybody. I wonder if that comes through on the actual audio. It's got to, right? If it's that loud.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That's the little pitter patter of Santa's elves. I just want you to know that. All right. Well, listen, let's take a break. I'll go yell at my children and give them reason for therapy later on in life. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we're currently supporting. Thank you so much for having me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They give money to local organizations that help shelter women and families from abusive men or abusive relationships. And they do financial literacy and education for women who've been in abusive relationships so they can get out there in the world and start anew. It's a great cause that really – there's so many charities out there. I feel like this is one. Sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Uh, we need it more than ever. You know what I'm talking about? So get off your lazy ass and donate five. Don't be Megan and Harry donate $5. We'll be back.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And he grew up in Cincinnati, I think it was, Cincinnati, Ohio, somewhere in Ohio. And so the movie gets made after the book kind of banters around for a couple of decades trying to find the right writer and director. The movie finally gets made in the early 80s, I think it was, 1983. And it is... A flop at the movie theaters, basically.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Not a flop, but it doesn't do very well at the movie theaters. Until a burgeoning network, cable network called TBS decides, what can we do for Christmas? It's not going to cost us a lot of money, but might get people to tune in. And they start running it. They run it on a loop for 24 hours. And the rest, as they say, is history.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
As a bunch of children, my age and younger and older, decided that was the movie that we were going to watch because it was on, just on a loop. So you could essentially, you could do anything. You could go and eat some Christmas cookies and come back and it was on again. And it just got embedded into our minds. Really? And now it is a Christmas classic.
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I think there will, other Christmas movies will come along for other generations. But for our generation, for a large, like a 20-year period, that was the Christmas tradition that made us feel this. My mom hated it. Your mom hated it?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I think it reminded me a little bit of growing up in Chicago, the snowy winters, the being bundled up, the growing up in 1942, the kind of things that I did. Yeah. It's because it's so quotable, and the lines are sparse but funny, and you can get it as an adult and you can get it as a kid. I think that's why we as children started to really identify with it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. This is the jingle to my jangle, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And even though the toys that they are obsessing about were nothing like the toys we were obsessing about, there's something charming about... This has... This is less about the Christmas spirit and more about what Christmas really was about when we were kids, no matter what you thought, which was getting a present, getting that present that you wanted.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And then when you're an adult, you see that this really becomes about parenting children and how these moments are special and how they're fleeting and how they come. And so as a parent, I have a new appreciation for it. However, my children do not have an appreciation for it. They don't like that movie whatsoever.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
You've never seen a Christmas story?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yeah, yeah. But you've never seen a Christmas story?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
The singing kettle? Yeah. What in the fuck is the singing kettle?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
It's a live performance with puppets and stuff? No, it's okay.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
best to you out there in the podcast universe merry christmas happy holidays and all that jazz we're on day number two of the 12 days of tcb reviewing our favorite content stories and events of 2024 i know you don't like the camera christina but don't kick it over I spent a long time on those wires. Welcome back. We're in the brand new studio.
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You canny shove your granny off a bus.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
It is very silly. And so I'm glad I didn't grow up in Scotland. Yeah. I will say that my children have—speaking of silly songs, my children, I have introduced them to Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Oh, a classic. Which is a Christmas classic. And so now they are running around the house saying, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, which the Venezuelans don't understand.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
No, they certainly don't. Okay, so we're getting close to a break here. I want to remind you that each day during the 12 days of Christmas, we are going to be asking—or we're going to be telling you about a— Essentially a charity that we have done a little research on and we feel strongly are doing good work out there in society. And we feel strongly that they should be supported in their mission.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
So Chrissy has chosen one. Chrissy, today you are choosing.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
The NBCC, we will put a link up there on the show notes, the National Breast Cancer Coalition and their fund. They do good work. Apparently, most of the money goes to the work that they are doing to support women and help find a cure.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yes. So, yeah. A cause that is near and dear to, I know, Chrissy's heart and my heart, too. So check your tits, check your balls, and support the foundations that are trying to find a cure for this extraordinarily terrible disease that affects many, many women. And men. And men. That's true.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
If you know a man or a woman in your life, if you know a man or a woman in your life, it's likely you're going to know breast cancer at some point. Yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
in your life it is so please go to the link in the show notes we have nothing to do we are not authorized by them we are just saying this out loud uh that we would love it if you would go and visit and if you find it a worthy cause please donate a few dollars this holiday season to support the women and men in your life who may or may not be affected by breast cancer um yes okay so that's it so let's take a break and we'll be back
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
This episode is sponsored by free alcohol from Zbiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, checklists to get done and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make indeed.
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That is until I found pre-alcohol. Z-Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. And here's how it works.
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when you drink alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in your gut it's this byproduct not dehydration that's to blame for that rough next day free alcohol produces an enzyme to break down this byproduct and just as long as you remember to take free alcohol as your first drink of the night then drink responsibly you'll feel your best tomorrow we've now been out for a few nights of drinking where free alcohol is the first thing that i drink let me tell you when i can get up in the morning i
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Christina is here with us and we're celebrating and enjoying the holiday, the very festive holiday time with you by, I don't know, by just generally being festive. We're a little less boring than we normally are. How's that? There you go.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Take care of my 12 to 13 children. Still record an episode of the commercial break and make it to bedtime with a little bit of energy left in the tank to watch bad television. I know that pre-alcohol has done its job. And with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual.
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But with pre-alcohol, I can stay on track and not let the holiday season... throw me off course go to zbiotics.com slash commercial to learn more and get 15 off your first order when you use the code commercial at checkout zbiotics is backed by a 100 money back guarantee so if you're unsatisfied for any reason they'll refund your money no questions asked
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Remember to head to zbiotics.com slash commercial and use the code commercial at checkout for 15% off. Thank you to Z Biotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Okay, the 12 days of TCB, and we are reviewing 12 of our favorite news events, content ideas, guests. We reviewed guests yesterday, and now we're going to get into some meat and potatoes. Chrissy, we did this in 2023, and we did this in 2022. We did a little year in review, and we managed for one episode on those other two years, but this year we stretched it out to 12 hours of TCB.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And Chrissy, best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You thank you for joining us. How are you feeling? I'm feeling This is a marathon, not a sprint. So I don't want you to get burnt out. I want to make sure you have lots of coffee. You've taken your magic mushrooms and all that good stuff.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Bigger, better, and more complicated than ever. So this year we're reviewing some of our favorite content that we've done before. And no year would be complete without discussing one of our favorite, the mountain monsters in our lives. We love the mountain monsters. What a ridiculous premise. What an absolutely ridiculous show. That really has taken the world by storm, quite frankly.
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There are so many people who like this show. Oh, yeah.
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I think they're on season number 27 or something. They have to be. Good for Buck. I agree. At this point, I'm rooting for him. You know what I'm saying? So Buck and Huck and Chuck and Fuck and all the guys that are in the group and the gang.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
But before we get to reviewing a mountain monsters for our second day of the 12 days of TCB, I wanted to ask you if you've ever heard of any... Are there any holiday monsters that you have heard of besides... Krampus. Are there any holiday monsters that you know of?
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Well, I mean, monsters that might actually exist.
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You've never heard of the Merry Lild?
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Yes, the Christmas zombie horror. All right, here it is. The macabre skeleton mare of the Welsh tradition rises from the dead and wanders the streets with her attendants, who are fresh from the grave, to remind the living of their existence. Mary Lwyd, Lwyd, L-W-Y-D, they should put some vowels in there, L-W-Y-D, Lwyd, has only one goal in mind, and that is to get in your house. Ha!
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To keep the zombie horse out, you must engage in a battle of wits.
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No. Oh, the zombie whores. That's a whole different... I met one of those on Christmas Eve. They met the mirror on the side of my car. To keep the zombie horse out, you must engage in a battle of wits, in rhyme no less, usually on New Year's Eve, where the undead mare is represented by a puppeteer parading a horse skull on a pole draped in a white cloth. Sounds like a ton of fun. I know.
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It's so weird. That is so weird. The babushka, Chrissy. In Italy, Russia, and parts of Europe, we encounter a witch-like lady rooted in the fairy tale figure of Mother Holy. who doles out punishments for the lazy and riches for the hardworking. In Italy, she is known as La Befagna, and in Russia, the Babushka.
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Each January, she packs up and sets off on a broomstick to join the three kings who are seeking the Christ child. She searches every house, and if she finds a child there, she leaves cookies and gifts behind. Well, that's the kind of Babushka I like.
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It doesn't sound very scary. How about the straggle? Have you ever seen the straggle? Ha! Look at that, Chris. Look at that forefinger. The straggle. Yeah, the straggle.
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Yes. I was just watching. I can't remember who the celebrity was. I want to say it's Pete... Not Pete Davidson, but there's another gangly-looking Pete with blonde hair. Do you know I'm talking about the comic? He had an HBO show for a while of his own. He was talking about Magic Mind. Have you heard about this drink, Magic Mind?
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I know this one simply because I was in Switzerland for a while with Astrid, and I had seen something on TV about this. In many places, such as Switzerland... Perchta rides with a throng of demonic-looking helpers known as straggle, who love to participate in the feast of offerings left out for them on Christmas by people hoping for Perchta's blessing of wealth and health in the new year.
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In some places, straggle get to dole out punishments themselves and aren't terribly discerning as they rob all the bad children and tear them to pieces flying through the air. Oh, nothing like the straggler. Don't be a straggler. That is scary. That is scary. Jesus, people are weird. People are weird. How about the bell schnickle?
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In some German and Pennsylvania Dutch communities, bell schnickle, the bell snickle, shows up a couple weeks before Christmas. Filthy and dressed in rags and furs, like my mom used to dress me up for Halloween. Yeah. to beat children who have misbehaved.
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In 1872, a Philadelphia newspaper recounted Mr. Belsnickel, his personal appearance dressed in skins or old claws, his face black, a bell, a whip, and a pocket full of cakes or nuts. And either the cakes or nuts or the whip are bestowed upon those around.
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Back in the 19th century, it was popular for rowdy revelers to go bell-snicking and get drunk, vandalize the city, whip children, and play planks. That's awful. Different kind of corporal punishment. Back when it was fun and there were no consequences. Unbelievable. Drunk adults whipping children. One more here. One more here, Chrissy. The gorilla. The G-R-Y-L-A. The gorilla.
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One of Iceland's most renowned figures associated with Christmas, the gorilla, is a giant troll who is in a perpetual bad mood due to their insatiable hunger.
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Oh, yeah, they do. It's one of those things. They swear they see them. They believe in them. So they're in a perpetual bad mood due to their insatiable hunger. This sounds like both of my children and my wife. Each Christmas, Gorilla comes down from her mountain dwelling to hunt for naughty children.
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She places them in a sack, drags them back to her cave where she boils them alive for her favorite stew.
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Oh, and she has 13 sons called the Yule Lads. There you go. That's where the Yule Logs come from. The Yule Lads.
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The Yule Lads. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We tear apart your small children.
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And eat them for lunch. Boil them. Yeah, we boil them alive. All right, but... Listen, the mountain monsters know better than to talk about eating children on their show. They want to get ratings. So the mountain monsters are at it again, Chrissy, and I just thought because we have done so many mountain monsters over the years.
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In 2024, we've done the fewest amount of mountain monsters that we have since the show started. In our five-year history, four and a half year history, this has been the year where we've addressed the mountain monsters the least. Maybe we should have done more of them. The mountain monsters, but it's still one of my favorites. I think we have to agree. And I think the audience agrees also.
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Absolutely. That the Mountain Monsters is classic TCB. There are now whole podcasts dedicated to making fun of the Mountain Monsters. And it makes me wonder. Let's take the good part of TCB and let's just do that all the time.
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Smart idea. I wish we had done that. Cow killing bastard. Exactly. All right, so here the mountain monsters are. There's no preface on this particular video except to say that the mountain monsters are literally in a nightmare. So let's see what happens. Here we go.
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You guys notice that I just said some words and those were the only words we said for the entire hour? Now, you're going to make me believe that these four yellers, screamers, and yappers didn't say a word for an hour.
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I'm not sure Magic Mind has psilocybin in it, but it is apparently some drink that a lot of people that are taking and they feel very good about themselves and the world around them when they take Magic Mind. Yes, so I snorted Crank this morning, and that has made me feel awful good, Chrissy.
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Oh, there's a picture of him. Hey, there he is. Wow. I've never seen something so realistic, Chrissy. Look at that picture. That's straight out of a Canon Rebel ES-07. All I can think about...
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Yeah, they're going to pull over and meditate.
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Yeah, get our heads right. You got to get in the right mindset before the big game, Chrissy. I know, you do. You can't go off willy-nilly into Ashe County, North Carolina, without getting your head right.
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Try to find out why this rogue team wants us back to that little red shed. What is a rotine? You know, roti is a certain kind of food they make, traditional holiday food in Venezuela, the roti. Okay. But I don't think that's what they're saying. I think they're saying rotine. If they're taking rotines to the red shed, we might want to censor this episode before it starts.
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Well, listen, it just hasn't kicked in yet. My third eight ball has not kicked in yet. Okay, got it. All right. Top 20 Christmas movies of all time, as ranked by who? I don't know. But give me three of them. Tell me three of the top 20 Christmas movies. We're going to review them real quickly. Okay. As ranked by town and country.
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They do. But my favorite is when that, whatever, wild cat. We just got to Ash County, North Carolina.
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Trappers. Yeah, Trappers. It's a local bar, Chrissy. We found Billy down there.
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I like how it said night two of the investigation. Investigation indicates that, you know, you're actually doing serious investigating.
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And that makes it real. I don't think this is the first thing Buck has strapped on. I'm just saying. I bet Buck likes pegging.
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But we haven't really shot anything in the 72 seasons of Mountain Monsters.
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Wait, hold on. They're talking about people? They're ready to go meet people. I guess so, yeah. And they're bringing loaded guns. So now we've just turned into Ash County is just lawless. You just bring your guns. Ready for a gunfight? Uh-huh. This is the real Hatfield and McCoy's right here. Yeah.
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There's a rogue team and a Bigfoot, and Satan is protecting them all. But luckily, we have what look like real guns but are probably water pistols prepared at any moment. to go firing upon anything that moves in the woods, because that is both legal and reasonable to film a reality television show. First of all, second of all, who are these cameras? This is any reality to this.
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Who are these camera guys agreeing to just go behind armed men who are ready to shoot at the rogue team? The rogue team of who?
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I don't know. You think they've been divided? I don't know because there's only three. Well, listen, when Satan is running through the woods, you know, he's bound to catch a couple of them, right? Yeah.
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I don't know what lies ahead of us. I think they've cocked their guns 12 times. Yeah, chick, chick, chick, chick.
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The Martha Stewartists. Martha Stewartists. A magazine that ever lived.
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The red eyes. The red glowing eyes. Well, listen, to be fair, if there is a red devil, he's probably going to have glowing eyes.
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A totem pole. Yes, a totem pole. We found a totem pole. We're now mixing Indian ufology with our monsters. Okay, fair enough. Hey, listen, to be fair, Indians did believe in a lot of this shit, too. That looks like something straight out of Polynesian Resort in Walt Disney World, Florida. That was the fakest looking totem pole I've ever seen.
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Huckleberry is naked in the rain. Oh, no. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I got to take my hat off for this. I cannot believe this. The band is broken up and three of them are on the side of Satan. Oh, no. And he's dressed in a hula hoop or a hula skirt or whatever you call those things.
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It honestly looks like he got lost in a Polynesian resort costume department.
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You're right about that. That's on there.
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Is this a flashback? What is happening? This is a flashback.
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They were there before. We didn't see part one. They're coming back for a second time. We didn't see part one. We're catching up on part two. But now we think we're understanding that the team has literally been split up. The guys are no longer working as one. They are two.
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Listen. Chrissy, far be it for me to get in the minds of genius. I don't know. I'm just a mere mortal. I can't talk about all these, the comings and goings of the mountain monsters, but I will tell you this much. This is going to be an interesting episode. If these guys are fighting against each other. Maybe we'll find them tonight.
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It's a Wonderful Life is on there.
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In a forest. Yes. This trail is still active, boys. I don't even know what that means. It's still active. All right. I think this is a good place to stop. We'll take a break. But I do want to remind people that we are... are focusing a little bit today on one of an organization that's near and dear to Chrissy's heart, the National Breast Cancer Coalition.
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A Christmas Carol, I think, is on there also. Are you ready for them?
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We'll put a link down inside of the show notes. If you're feeling in the holiday spirit and you'd like to save some tatas and some lives, go ahead and donate to the NBCC. We're going to give a direct link. We are not getting in the middle of this. You go there, you donate what you will. That's between you, God, and the NBCC. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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Okay, I'm going to go 20 to 1. Here we go. They ranked the top 65. How they even came up with 65 movies to rank, I don't know. I'm sure they're out there, but it probably includes Hot Frosty. I'm sure. A national treasure, okay. A national treasure of your algorithm, yes. Your Netflix algorithm. Number 20, The Family Stones.
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All right, we're back here with our boys, the mountain monsters, who apparently Satan has divided so he can conquer. They are in the woods of Ashe, North Carolina. I've never heard of Ashe, North Carolina. I haven't either. But is it near Asheville? Could be. North Carolina makes some sense. They just ran out of names, so they put a ville on the end of Ashe.
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There's Ash, and then there's the Ville of Ash. Okay, there you go. Huck, Buck, Chuck, and Fuck. There's one team of three. It's Chuck, or Huck, Buck, and who is it? Huckleberry. Huck, Buck, and Huckleberry. And then you've got the other guys, the one that screams and the other guys. They're all on the other side doing something.
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So they're running through the woods chasing each other with loaded guns, I might add to you. Former teammates soon to be murdered by their former teammates. Fresh. Yes, it is. That's real fresh. That's some definite Bigfoot sign. How do you know a branch is fresh when it's fallen on the ground? I mean, I'm sure there's a way to tell.
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acquire those skills i guess when you spend all your time by the creek and the whacking tree you know when a fresh stick is you can tell that's a fresh stick chrissy there this is so fresh your limbs wants to have the green leaves look we pick this log up and set it on top of it to hold it down look at that That looks like a fallen tree to me. It does. But I guess that's where, I guess he knows.
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He's clued into some special investigatory powers, allow him to know that Bigfoot has picked up the log and thrown it on the ground, and it's fresh. It's still active, Chrissy. This is still an active investigation. Yeah. They can't give us much information yet, but they do know they're hot on the trail.
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Of course, and then quickly happens. Yes.
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Oh, did you see that right where I stopped it? They seem to have a photograph of a small, miniature Bigfoot. It looked like a miniature Bigfoot. It looked like a child in a Bigfoot costume. Oh, they're going to shoot. Oh, they've got their guns out.
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The Family Stone, 2025. A holiday flick about a dysfunctional family that features an all-star cast, including Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson, and Diane Keaton. I do like it. It's very good. Last Holiday from 2014. Last Holiday.
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The biggest tree in the forest fell. Only we didn't capture it on camera, unfortunately. But that is fresh, Chrissy. I will tell you, if a tree falls right next to you, that's a fresh fall.
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Let's go back. Let's go. Stay together.
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Wait. Oh, my God. They're literally pointing to a branch.
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It's human. Isn't that a branch you just walked by? And I don't mean to throw shade or anything, but you're a big boy. If you walk, you're going to break a few tiny little branches. Yeah, he is. So he walks by the twig of a tree. I mean, we're talking like an inch round. Yeah, with a little tiny twig, the smallest of twigs, blooming out of it. And he's pointing to one broken one.
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It's probably no longer than three inches long. And he's saying that because one is broken on the bottom but not on the top, that's a human sign and not the Cherokee Red Devil. What is it?
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Yeah, or calling them by their cell phones.
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The heartwarming rom-com starring Queen Latifah plays a small-town saleswoman who spends her life savings on a holiday trip to Europe and finds that she is terminally ill. Except there's a twist. Oh, congratulations. Sounds wonderful.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
How do you know that by putting the butt of your gun on the ground? How do you know that's exactly where you're standing?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
These are some wild investigative techniques that I think should be shared with the rest of the country.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
If you really could tell where someone was standing a year ago by putting the butt of your gun on the ground and going, this is exactly where it happened. It's almost like his gun was magnetically drawn to that point. I know. It has a memory.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yeah, we got to stop and cry for a moment. Let us all give a moment for Buck and the time when he was standing exactly right there, staring off at the vine, and he saw the red-eyed red rocket monster. Yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Well, it hypnotizes you, Chrissy. Okay. That's really where you get the PTSD from. I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen red eyes from a red rocket ash monster, but it can really send you for a loop. Cherokee devil. Yes. It's like, don't stare at the commercial brake sign either. Same thing happens. You got it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Okay, maybe I'll have to watch it this Christmas. Charlie Brown Christmas comes up at number 18. It's so fun. Now, Charlie Brown Christmas is not my favorite Christmas movie. I wouldn't even put it in my top ten. It's a classic. I do understand it's a classic. There's a lot of nostalgia around it. And what is fun is watching my children now get into a Charlie Brown Christmas. So we've all seen it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And why have they agreed to go back? Why? I know. Yeah. What is the point, guys? Can I ask a question? I know you got episodes to make just like we do. Yeah. But can I ask, why are we going back to the place where Buck almost got killed?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Putting him through all of this PTSD. Don't look at his eyes. And then you're claiming it's psychological warfare. You're the dum-dums that decided to go back there. It's not like they... It's the rogue team. It's the... There's a rogue team. Let the team be rogue. I know. Let them go do their thing. You do your thing. There's plenty of room in Ashe County.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
You don't have to go right back exactly to the spot. Kentucky seems to be your hunting grounds. Why not go back there? A man up and go to that little red shed. That's what I say. Take a break. Get the Anheuser-Busch and go back to the red shed. There it is.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
What? I don't see anything. What happened? Where'd it go? Everyone's crying now. I don't know what's going on.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
They're flashing back to a time. So when he was there before. In the red shed, there was a Cherokee girl that he fell in love with briefly. But she ran off. She ghosted him. They connected on Tinder. Or Grindr. I'm not sure which one it was. But they connected. And all Buck wanted was just a moment. A moment more with the Cherokee girl. And who doesn't, quite frankly, Chrissy.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
But nay, she was gone. Off in the wind. Probably eaten by the, you know, redhead. The red devil. Red devil.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
You all right? Oh. Oh, God. Buck's throwing up. What's going on there? Geez. He's gagging. Yeah, that's not a sight for anybody to see. Oh, God.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I don't know. Maybe it's a burrito baby or something. Poor buck.
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Right now. I'm going to keep an eye on him. You go get the seven and a half foot red devil.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
There is some love between the guys. Oh, absolutely. You know, there's some compassion between them. They're just a bunch of friends trying to chase deadly creatures through the woods of Asheville.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
It's a timeless cartoon starring Charlie Brown as he seeks out the true meaning of Christmas with the help of his friends and his curious dog, Snoopy. Okay, number 17, going exactly the opposite direction, Harold and Kumar Christmas, a very Harold and Kumar Christmas, which is super fun, very funny, and unbelievably, like even a little bit festive. I think you'll like this one. Yeah. Yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
You think they're like in a pitch meeting and they go, you know what we should do? Make a big drama about that Cherokee girl that ghosted you that one time and make it emotional for her to go back to the red shed.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And do you think, not only do you think that there's like a pitch meeting where they have to write all of this out, but then do you think that there are people out there somewhere in cable television land who, who actually are buying into the drama that Buck has to, you know, go and face his demons at the Red Shed in Ashe, North Carolina.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
There's a lot of people in this world. Some of them are not well, right? Okay. I do believe that there's... But I don't believe it's a majority of the audience. No. If the comments underneath the YouTube videos are any indication, most people take it like we do. It's a good comedy show if you watch it that way. And it's funny. You know, it can be really funny.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
But there are some comments under there where you know people are really into this show and they hang on every scene.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Oh, and that's the end. We might have to find the second parts of that. He walked in the shed. Did you see that, Christina? That was crazy. Christina's blown away. She can't believe it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
This is high entertainment. Screw the 12 days of TCB. If you really want to have some fun this Christmas, put yourself on a marathon of the mountain monsters. Nothing gets you in the Christmas spirit like the Red Rocket. But what happened was he went back to the shed where he had seen the Cherokee girl.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And when he walked inside of the shed, there were a bunch of manila envelopes tacked to the wall with all of their real names.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yeah, I don't think it was a red rocket. Well, listen, maybe we'll find out. Maybe we won't. Stay tuned to the 12 Days of TCB. We're on the edge of our seat now. It wouldn't be a year in review without our mountain monsters. That's all I got to say. I love it. I love it. I know. I love the boys.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I wonder if they do a holiday episode. They should. Chase holiday monster. They should. If they don't, they should. I'll look into that. If it is, I'll see if we can't do that. Yeah. Sometime shortly after the 12 days of TCB. All right, Chrissy. The NBCC, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, will put in a link to their official website where you can donate directly to them.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
In the show notes, if you could be so kind as to do that, it is a cause that's near and dear to our hearts. We certainly would appreciate it. I know Chrissy would. I would. And hey, if you have tits, check them. That's all I got to say. Men and women. Because it does affect men also. Men do get breast cancer.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And at a more alarming rate, I think, than ever before I was reading. So there you go.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
tcbpodcast.com that's where you go to find more information about the show all the audio all the video which includes now every episode of the commercial break is available on video on the website youtube.com slash the commercial break and soon spotify video if it's not up there already it'll be up there soon and those episodes just to let you know get released a day or two after they get released on the audio feed can't cannibalize our own you know sponsors crazy
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Because we don't have many. Right. Yeah. Exactly. We don't have many. We got to keep them around. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We're taking them all right there. You can call, leave us a voicemail or text message. That phone number, and we will get back to you. We promise. I don't know when, but we'll get back to you sometime soon. Ask TCB.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Looking for something to watch after little ones go to bed? Press play on this Bouty Holiday Comedy, which is the third installment of the Harold and Kumar series. Neil Patrick Harris is in it. A very funny cocaine-filled child is in the movie also. It's a lot of fun. You'll like it. Watch that one. Number 16. I disagree with this completely. Christmas with the Cranks.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
We might get to that sometime in the year 2025. We should. Ask TCB is on the list of 12 days of TCB. Okay. So there you go. I'm doing a little foreshadowing for you, Chrissy.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Again, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Subscribe, like, and comment on your favorite videos. Add the commercial break on Instagram. TCB podcast on TikTok, at least for right now on TikTok. We'll see what happens in a couple of days. TikTok might go away. You never know. Yeah. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
But I'll tell you that I love you.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe until tomorrow. We always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I don't even think that would show up in my top 65, and I don't even know 65 movies. Christmas with the Cranks was not very good.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Jamie Lee Curtis. Tim Allen. Tim Allen. Speaking of cocaine, Tim Allen. Did you know that Tim Allen spent like seven years in federal prison for cocaine distribution?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
It's true. Before he became a stand-up, he spent a period of time for, and not a small amount of cocaine, it was like 20 pounds of cocaine or something. Can you believe that? Isn't that crazy?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Indeed. And then, you know, listen, and then he's Buzz Lightyear, right? Okay, so he's Buzz Lightyear, and then he makes a couple of comments during the pandemic.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen. He makes a couple of comments during the pandemic that rile the people up over there at Disney. And they say, no more Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear. He's not going to appear in any movies moving forward. But I guess Tim had the last laugh as they're currently making Toy Story number five with... Tim Allen. So The Christmas of the Cranks is a lighthearted comedy.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
The funny flick follows a couple played by Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis who anger their neighbors by making plans to skip Christmas in favor of taking a Caribbean cruise. It's a ridiculous premise and it's not very funny. Dan Aykroyd is in the movie also. I'm sorry, I just don't like it. But anyway, okay. Number 15, A Nightmare Before Christmas.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I know people who go crazy over this movie. Who go nuts over this movie. I dated a woman for a period of time. And she, it was like right when, I think it was in 2000, like the early 2000s. And she, like everything was about A Nightmare Before Christmas.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I can appreciate where Tim Burton is coming from. He's never been my favorite director in the world, but I understand, like, I can appreciate the creativity behind Tim Burton movies. And this one is Claymation. So it's really, really, like, I guess, a huge feat of animation that he did this. And I think it took him a long time to do it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Not my favorite, but I can appreciate that it's in the top 20. Almost Christmas is number 14. Almost Christmas.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
From 2016, starring Danny Glover, Omar Epps. I have not seen this one. Okay, I don't think I have either. Danny Glover is a retired, who doesn't love a little Danny Glover? I know.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
How have I never heard of this? Danny Glover is a retired widower who only wants one thing for Christmas, his grown children and the families to get along for the holidays. The performances from this talented ensemble cast will make you grateful for your folks this December. Okay, well. All right, Monique's in it. Put it in there. Jessie T. Usher's in it. DC Young Fly. Nicole Allen Parkway. Okay.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Oh, it's okay. Oh, I see. There's a little break in the curtains there.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Listen, we've never been a podcast that's particularly discreet. So there you go. All right. This is right up your alley, Christina. Number 13 is A Christmas Prince from Netflix.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Wow. A Christmas prince packs every rom-com cliche that you can think of into 90 minutes. And that's exactly what makes it so delicious to watch. When a journalist is assigned to cover a handsome but mysterious prince of a small country named Aldovia, she gets more than she bargained for. Right?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
nice uh yeah not not a movie i would watch but okay all right uh number 12 is santa claus number two not a fan of the santa claus movies they're okay i like some tim allen movies like toy story but i am not a fan of the santa claus uh series yeah no i liked uh what's the other one though with it's with um kurt russell i liked that one That's Santa Claus, like, five or something, isn't it?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Wait, Kurt Russell plays Santa Claus and Goldie Hawn appears?
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Well, I gotta see this. As Mrs. Claus, yeah. Oh, really?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Okay, all right. Well, I'll find out what the name of that movie is. Number 11 is the original Santa Claus. When a divorced businessman accidentally kills Santa... Nothing like the holidays to send the writers and directors into overdrive trying to figure out the most ridiculous premise. Number 10, The Dr. Seuss' The Grinch, the animated one from 2018.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
No list of Christmas movies is truly complete without an appearance from The Grinch, and the new-ish animated version deserves a place in the holiday movie canon. Thanks to Benedict Cumberbatch's memorable take on everyone's favorite green holiday grump, I agree with this.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
This is the best version of The Grinch, I think, is the new one from 2018. Number nine is Claws.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
By Netflix, an animated original. The Netflix original about a postman who befriends a reclusive toy maker is a great family Christmas film, especially with the beautiful animation that will leave you really feeling the holiday magic. Haven't seen it? I guess I'll have to see it. Have you seen this one?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Okay, I'm going to watch this. This is from 2019. Number nine, Scrooged. I love Scrooged. We've talked a couple times about holiday movies and we have not added Scrooged in there. Scrooged is fucking fantastic. I love it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
A modernized version of The Christmas Carol stars Bill Murray as a curmudgeonly New York City TV executive who learns the true meaning of Christmas in hilarious fashion and sometimes a bit scary. But I love this movie.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I remember seeing it as a kid. This came out in 1988. I remember seeing it as a kid. And I loved it from the beginning. I thought it was great. Bill Murray really does play the best Scrooge that has ever been. The Christmas Chronicles starring Kurt Russell. The Christmas Chronicles. That's what I was thinking of. Those are good. The original is number seven.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Number six is Home Alone 2, Lost in New York, starring Donald Trump. Kevin McAllister's family manages to leave him behind yet again in Home Alone 2. And this time around, he winds up in New York City, where he managed to outwit the bandits one more time.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I'm going to say it again, hot take. I just don't like the Home Alone series. I just find it to be absolutely ridiculous premise how you could leave a child behind and then that child, through no fault of their own, is then left for days on end to outwit bandits with, you know, Cracker Jacks and sound effects.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Home Alone comes in at number five. Number four, I would have put this a little bit higher, but number four is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Of course, of course. Watching this Chevy Chase movie will make anything your family does at Christmas seem totally normal by comparison. It is probably...
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Probably the best vacation movie is A Christmas Vacation, but a very close second is the regular vacation movies. I actually liked The Vegas Vacation, Vegas Vacation too. I thought that was pretty funny.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
okay uh number three is elf with will fair of course this is a christmas instant christmas classic i have met people who do not like this movie i do not like them it's like people who don't like dogs i don't trust them and even though i don't like my own dog that doesn't mean i don't like dogs in general i just don't like that one that's outside my room but if you don't like elf i think something's wrong with you like how do you not like l i
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I can understand you maybe not being a fan of Will Ferrell, but if you take your dislike for Will Ferrell out of it, how can you not love the sheer innocence and joy of the character he plays? And Will Ferrell was born to play out. He was born to play an adult child, essentially. Yeah.
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uh looking at the world in such a like an awestruck way and and seeing everything and and then add it add to it that he's a very physical comedian he just does this role such justice he does and while the ending is a little I always will stop and watch elf when it's on television
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I love him in it, too. In one of his last movie appearances. Yes, yes. Bob Newhart was great in that movie, as was, who's that guy? Wilford Brimley? Isn't Wilford Brimley in that movie?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yeah, okay. Diabetes? Diabetes. Number two is It's a Wonderful Life, which is a Christmas classic. Not my favorite Christmas movie, but it's a Christmas classic. It is.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And number one, I would say that the three elf Christmas vacation and a Christmas story. Well, jockey for position in my heart, a Christmas story is the sentimental favorite. I think this is a great one.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Fragile. It must be Italian. Such a quotable movie.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Such a quotable movie. And the story of A Christmas Story, the movie itself, is just, I think, as charming as the actual movie, which is this was a book that was written back in the 30s or 40s, I think, about the writer's childhood and kind of a fictionalized version of his Christmases. Yeah. and how he really wanted this red rider BB gun. His mom said, you'll shoot your eye out.
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Introducing: Campus Files
You can get it on the free Odyssey app or wherever you're listening to podcasts. Take a listen to this 10 minute preview about Bama Rush, and I'll be back to wrap it up.
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Introducing: Campus Files
That's when I take someone else's podcast or a snippet of someone else's show and put it on my own RSS feed, the thing that you're listening to right now. These are very common throughout the industry and nine times out of ten, I say no to these. I know your time is valuable and I don't want to waste it. But a couple times a year, a request will come across my desk and I actually like the podcast.
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Introducing: Campus Files
Hey, all you out there in the podcast universe. You're probably wondering exactly why I'm coming to you on a Monday. Well, there's a good reason why. As I often do, let me break down the fourth wall of the podcast universe. Sometimes podcasts like The Commercial Break will get a request for something called a feed drop.
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Introducing: Campus Files
and I think you might like it too. And today, I've got one of those shows. It's something I've talked about before here on the commercial break. It's a show called Campus Files. For many people, college was some of the best days of their life. But if you pull back the curtain, scratch the surface a little bit, it was much more complicated and sometimes sinister than it appeared.
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Introducing: Campus Files
Financial fraud and abuse, sports scandals, political unrest and upheaval, admission shenanigans, and downright craziness. It seems like every other week, there's a headline about a scandal at a major university. Each week, Campus Files dives into some of the wildest scandals and stories that have taken place across colleges and universities.
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Introducing: Campus Files
That 10 minutes of audio gives me chills. It's a testament to the power of audio and the power of podcasts. And if you like that, there's lots more where that came from. Check out Campus Files, an Odyssey original podcast on the free Odyssey app or wherever you're listening to this podcast. I love that Odyssey supports great content and great content creators. Go check out Campus Files.
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Introducing: Campus Files
Chrissy and I will be back to regularly scheduled programming tomorrow. And until then, I do say, I will say, and I must say, goodbye.
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Introducing: Campus Files
I'll tell you what, Campus Files is definitely sharing some stories that you will not hear on the campus tour. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to drop in a preview where Campus Files is taking a deep dive into a Greek life drama, more specifically, Bama Rush. And if you know me, I love a good Bama Rush drama. And this one is no joke. This is an Odyssey original podcast.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
The meme coin, however, has no function whatsoever. There is absolutely... I mean, they can build in utilities into its special programs and prizes and access that you get for being a meme coin holder, which is apparently what they tried to do with this Haktua coin, or the Hawk coin, as they would say. She hyped up this hot coin, got in bed with Howie Mandel's cousin. His name is Doc Hollywood.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And apparently he's like a, like, I don't know, some kind of meme coin expert or something. So listen to this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Listen to the math on this. for early investors and people who knew hawk to uh whatever her name is is it what is it kylie kaylee something like that hayley kaylee i don't know she and her team in their infinite wisdom gave 17 of the total coins to insiders basically and then released three percent of the coins to the public She pressed this hard on her podcast, on her social media.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
She tried to get people who have no clue about any of this stuff to buy this meme coin. And then the moment that it went public, 17% of the people who were holding onto it who knew what was going on sold immediately because they cashed in. That's what you do. It's called a pump and dump scheme. It's a rug pull. I'm using this very fancy terminology from Twitter spaces.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's a rug pull, and basically you are throwing the losses to the people who are unsuspecting while you cash in as an insider.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
you got to be ready to lose money. That's just part of the game. It is just a scheme. It's just a pump. It's all pump and dump. There's really no utility. You don't go to Starbucks and use your Hawk to a coin. That doesn't happen. It's just never going to happen. So, and there are millions of these meme coins out. I mean, hundreds of thousands, there's got to be meme coins.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And this is how some of these new media stars are getting rich. They do this meme coin or altcoin, and then they pump and dump it. I mean, even Donald Trump's coin is having trouble taking off.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
uh but octua is seems like she's in big trouble and still the number five podcaster in the world do we need a meme coin do we have any memes to coin not really so it's hard to do a meme coin when you're just two idiots on a podcast the tcb coin break coin break your bank coin sorry you spent so much money and by the way at one point
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Right after Hawk Tua's coin was released, the total valuation of all the Hawk coin out there was half a billion, with a B, dollars. Wow. Half a billion dollars. And then quickly went down to $40 million after everybody sold. And a bunch of the insiders made money while all the other people are just left holding the bag. That's why they call it a rug pull. And it's terrible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
So I have a suspicion that Hawk herself, Miss Tua, had no idea what she was getting herself into, that she also was not knowledgeable about Mooncorp. She was trusting the doc. That's right. But she made some money. There's no doubt about that. And that is problematic. So we'll see what happens with Miss Tua and all of her Hawkies. I don't know what you call them. What does she do on that podcast?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I mean, how did you find it? Was it good? Was it interesting?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'm speaking in old English. How did you find it? How did you find it, milady?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You never went back to it because you didn't like it. Let's just be honest about it. You didn't like it. You found it to be boring. It wasn't interesting. I haven't listened to any of it. I've seen some of the video. And yeah, she's got celebrities that come on there. I think she had JoJo Siwa recently. Listen, you know, no knock. If you could get JoJo Siwa to sit in this seat,
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You'd be out the door, Chrissy. I'd have CY in here in one second. I'd have her gyrating on that couch in a heartbeat. All right, so let's take a break. When we get back, guess what, kids? Today, for the 12 Days of TCB, something very special. We're going to go back to our poise, the 21 Convention, and Zahn. Zahn took up a computer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
considerable amount of our energy and effort this year. I think we did five total episodes on Zahn. But lest you think we've done all the Zahn there is to do, Zahn just keeps on talking. So we have more of Zahn Perion, whatever his name is, the very sad Pua, I think is the only way to say it. What did you say? The Jack Sparrow knockoff? Greasy hair, big belt buckle, and dad bod all together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And he will tell us how many books he hasn't sold and how lost his life is when we get back. Oh, also want to remind you, please, the St. Jude Foundation, the St. Jude series of hospitals. I just want to make that clear. money. We're rugging and tugging. Yeah, we're rugging and tugging. Our meme coin is St. Jude and the National Press Cancer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, so go there, donate some cash, make yourself feel good. And we will love you forever. Send us a screenshot and I'll send you an extra sticker or two or something like that. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my elf on the shelf, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Hope you're doing well. Enjoying the 12 days of TCB. Actually, I think it's the 20 days of TCB we've decided.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
All right, and we're back. Spreading some Christmas cheer all over the place, as is our network. Can you please do more episodes? No, we can't. How many more episodes can we do? I can't do any more episodes. We're full. That's it. I'm all full up. But you know what? I like this because here's the thing. 12 days of TCB gives people something to look forward to at the end of the year.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Not us, but other people. Something to look forward to at the end of the year. Gives us a chance to review the year properly where we don't have to try and fit it all into one show like we did last year. I think last year we... I tried to fit it all into one hour. Number one, number two.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Number three, it gives people something to listen to during the holidays that is completely unacceptable for any kind of family activity. So it gives you an opportunity to get away from those ratball children and your shitty Uncle Tom who won't stop talking about... You know what. The entire dinner. And listen to some funny shit. So, okay.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
One of our favorite things to do in 2024, really for the last two years, has been Poise. Actually, since the beginning of the commercial break, we've been doing pickup artists. But we've really started to refine our target. And that is the 21 Convention. The 21 Convention is an all-round...
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We've counted all of the episodes in a row. I think it'll end up being somewhere around 20. And you are officially the winners there, the listeners. We are in a purgatory. But at least we're in a nice purgatory. We're here in our comfortable, brand-new studios. I do like sitting back a little bit like this. It's better than leaning on the table. I love the chairs. Yeah. They're very comfy chairs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
man haven i guess i don't know what it is i mean it's like we're all looking good it's maga it's masculinity it's the patriarchy it's trad wife it's all things dipshit these guys put together these conventions but the convention is no longer it suffered from some financial issues like no one showed up and so i think it imploded it did
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It imploded because the guy who started it, I think he had some financial issues himself, and he took the convention down with him. But then people weren't happy with him either. Am I right about that? They were all upset because he wasn't paying them or wasn't – I don't know what the – who cares about the 21 convention?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What I care about is the content that they put out over eight years of doing this convention. It refined itself. It got more weird and more extreme and more – I actually saw a video of one of these pickup artists telling you how to text a woman, how to get a woman in bed by simply texting her. And had it not been so visual, I would have done that one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But I felt like we should go back to someone who really occupied quite a bit of that space, that poise space for us this year. In season number four, it was Michael Anthony. The year before, it was Frankie B. The year before, it was that weird guy talking into the camera. I can't remember his name, season number one. But in season number five...
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No one occupied as much time as Zahn Perion, the very sad pick-up artist who is down on his luck. But don't worry, because things are going to work out fine for Zahn. But he's here to share with you about all the tricks of the trade, Chrissy, and how to get a woman in bed and make sure that the patriarchy stays alive and well. I can't wait to hear.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Let's pick up in the middle of a Zahn conference appearance here as he talks about men with women in their lives. Here you go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Counterbalancing. Zahn is the guy who told us that you got to make sure you have counterbalancing energy. You got to make sure you have that intellectual, strong personality type, but then you have to have that thrusting penis motion. You got to slap your balls right into somebody. Which I've been trying out at the grocery store and seems to be working fine at the local croaker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Even though I like the table look, the chairs, I do have to say, I think are an upgrade. I think the whole studio is an upgrade.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What a phrase. And then put your hands up, like block your face. I can't imagine if I had said that to any of the women in my life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Powerful. So powerful, it's never worked. So powerful, women don't get it. I can't understand.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, the kind and gentle kind of don't talk. The kind and gentle don't talk unless spoken to.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Listen, sweetie, baby, honey, listen. All that yammering, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but I'm inviting you, kindly, gently, to shut the fuck up. Do you mind? Don't cross the line. Don't cross the line. And by the line, I mean the threshold of my door. This is the man cave where all man things happen. There's thrusting energy in you. You've got to be careful.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
This jacket is hot and loud. It is very loud. I'm wearing my Christmas greens here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Balls swirling around everywhere. I don't want you to get smacked in the face.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I cannot imagine under what circumstances I would talk to another human being like that, except for my children. Like, I talked like this to my children. Look in my eyes. Don't do that again. And you know what they say?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I think he just summed up. I think that's a little self-aware. I think he just summed up his entire existence. A little boy who is lost.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yes, this was a Walmart $9.99 purchase by Astrid, and she knows how to... If it wasn't for Astrid, I'd be wearing a t-shirt. I know. Astrid goes, if we're changing this studio, you are not going to wear a fucking t-shirt every episode. And I was like, okay, I can agree. If we can do the studio, I'll change into something besides a t-shirt. Don't tell Earl. I'll be back in t-shirts before too long.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, we got it. We understand. We've seen a kid in a candy jar before.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's close. She played Wembley. He's playing Waukegan. It's close.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Nothing that a woman wants more than a small child to take care of. Can you wash behind my ears?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Brian needs Moo Moo. Brian needs his Moo Moo Milky. Astrid, tee-tee, ta-ta. I made pee-pee poo-poo. Can you watch my little tee-tee? I tinkled on myself.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, yeah. Astrid, I made a poo-poo. There's a poo-poo in my pants.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, that's right. I mean, T.T. Tata, can you wash behind my ears? Where are you getting these women?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, that's an Instagram quote to go on a nipple picture if I've ever seen one. Yes. Here's my conclusion in life. Here's what I figured out. Because I've been there. Because all men have been there at some point in their life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We make the mistake of, especially I think early on in life, we make the mistake of supplementing a woman's love outside of our mother's relationship for a love like our mother's relationship. And we do become childlike. We think that it's a job of a woman to take care of us in certain ways. precursor to hot sex. You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
If you can't do your own laundry and you have to be taken care of and every little issue becomes a drama unless mommy takes care of it, then the woman will start to think of you like a child. My opinion is, I think sometimes a woman's first child is their first boyfriend because that's how men act in a lot of cases. It's just a learning curve.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But at 72 years old, or however Zahn is, he really needs to, like, grow up a little bit. Women don't want someone to take care of. I mean, listen, I think we all care. If you're empathetic, you're a caretaker. You want to take care of people. Like when they have the flu, not like on a Tuesday afternoon when you, you know, where's my lunchbox, mommy?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Because it's just how I'm comfortable. What can I say? Listen, if Machine Gun Kelly can get away with it, so can Brian Greene. Me and Machine Gun are exactly alike.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I said I demand it. Thrusting energy! Thrusting! Ah, pee-pee-poo-poo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Except for I'm not dating Megan Fox and we're not in a blood, like some blood brother marriage. They're expecting. And they're also expecting to break up because they just announced they're officially not together anymore. What? Weeks after announcing that they're having a baby, I think, right? I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, are we going to have to teach this? Really? We have to teach consideration? I mean, if you're going to see a movie with someone, wouldn't you want them to be interested in it also?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
That said, this is the guy who got dragged to all seven of the, you know, what do you call them? One of those movies? Oh, the shades.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I got a little lipstick on my collar. Mama, take care of it. Tee-pee-poo-poo. Tee-tee-ta-ta-ba. Don't cross that line, thrusting energy. Up here, but down there, over here, left and right. I don't know, up and down. He's saying nothing. I'm saying nothing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No wonder his book didn't sell. It's four tomes of fucking nothing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'm making a point. I'm trying to make a point. Same time. See, now I'm remembering exactly why we think Hassan is so funny, because he never, ever quite gets to the point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I love the Warriors propose. It's a haiku. Are you ready, Chrissy? I'm ready. Pee-pee-poo-poo. Bison, uh-oh, I made pee-pee-poo-poo. Will you clean it up? Will you, will you? What movie shall we go to in this fortnight?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
So I heard you girls talking over the break while I was, you know, actually working. And what I heard was that one out of 10 men in the United States are figuring out, or one out of 100 are figuring out that they are not the father of their child. Is that correct? Yes, that was a little snippet. Via DNA Ancestry?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Bringing it all the way back to the Aztecs. So similar to today's times.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Well, listen, so did I, so I don't want to make... I don't want to make too much fun today.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'm pretty sure they had pyramids, entire towns. But they came back into their tent. Their tent. Their tent. Pretty sure tent is a rather modern thing in the grand scheme of things.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
The warriors repose. You go out there and you fight. The warriors repose is to crawl up in a woman's lap. I like to crawl up into a woman's lap, but I think that can be true said of anybody is that everybody likes that kind of that coddling every once in a while. We all get into a headspace or emotional space where we just want to lay on someone's lap.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Get back into my eight-person quadra tent from Patagonia.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What do you do for a living? I don't know, Zahn, but I think there's a few steps before getting in a woman's lap, and I think knowing what you do for a living is probably one of them. Just throwing that out there. Of course it is 2024, and shit's weird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
That's right. My swinging balls will hypnotize you into curling up in my lap and doing my laundry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Is there anybody in the audience? No? No? Hello? He's just swinging his hand back and forth.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I think he's got somebody on the line. Okay, let's see. We'll take one question and then maybe we'll take a break. Hold on. Questions for Zan? He's the only one up there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
This is embarrassing. Why wouldn't they cut this out of the YouTube video? Like, even I'm not that dumb. Even I cut out dead air from our show. That's poor Zan. I really do sometimes feel, I mean, I feel empathy for everybody, but for Zan especially, because he didn't sell the book. He's trying to write a second one. He's got a daughter who he thinks might love her at some point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
and i said ancestry dna wow ancestry dna is a thing yes it's another cauldron of flaming shit that our world has brought straight to our front door i'm telling you right now when they were looking for that killer of that you know ceo united guy which we haven't talked about but uh when they were looking for him they were checking databases like private databases like ancestry dna for dna i just don't want
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I mean, it's just like, it's a terrible situation for Zan. You know, but by the way, this goes on for an additional 30 minutes. So clearly somebody asks him a question.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And can you... Congratulations. I can act authentic when needed.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No. He said, yeah, he said warriors in tents. Warriors repose? Yeah, the warriors repose.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I don't know. This is not really my line of expertise, transferring from the warrior to the poet, because I never said that at different conferences altogether.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'll say it back to you and then we can talk back and forth. How's that? It's called a conversation.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Meet me in room 212. That's a junior executive suite.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Okay, let me explain. On the video here, there is not a screen behind him because it's not that kind of conference room. It's like literally like one of those meeting rooms in a Holiday Inn. He's got a Vizio TV fresh out of the box with the stand and everything. And behind it, it just has 21 Convention written on it. And all of a sudden, someone's browsing the internet on that TV behind him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
In Microsoft, nonetheless. Microsoft, the wave of the future. Okay, Wanda, this is a good place to take a break, I think, Christina. Let's take a break. Just a quick reminder, the St. Jude's Foundation and the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, both of those links down below in the show notes. Do us a favor and maybe yourself a favor in the future. You never know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Donate to those two very fantastic causes. Help the brothers out. We'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
to have my dna all mixed up in there although i probably already do have my d my twin brother did it so now i'm fucked yeah yeah because we have shared the almost the exact same dna since we're fraternal we got a few things i wonder what's different in our dna it's got to be something about the looks huh or maybe it so we share the same mother and father dna that we share like the general dna of course but then i guess the specifics are different how does dna work chrissy tell me more
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
All right, back here with Zahn in 21 Convention. Zahn is teaching us men how to, you know, be... Basically, the title of the video is How to Be with a Woman in Your Life. And, okay, fair enough. We could all use a pointer here and there. But so far, what he's told us is incongruent, to use a big word that someone in the audience used, and does not make much sense.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
He wants us to both be a warrior and a pussycat. He wants us to need women, but tell them that we don't need them. He wants us to make decisions for them, but make sure they're involved in the decisions themselves. So I just don't know what to think of Zahn. Zahn is a master at not making a point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yes, thank God that someone is now browsing the internet behind him. He's captivating the audience.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I just keep talking if I was him. I mean, I've had this happen. It's embarrassing, but you just keep going. You power through. When the questions section of the presentation doesn't end up being so fantastic, you power through. You got to have backup contents on. You can't just stand there and go, no, no one. Because it sounds worse.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, ease and delight. It sounds like the next Krispy Kreme special donut. Join us at Krispy Kreme for 99 cents ease and delights.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I think he said ease and delight. Okay. I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Second of all, I don't know. Look at his brain working.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
He probably wrote a whole book on it. He has no idea what he's talking about. Huh. Huh. Wow.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No one knows. It's magic. It's a steaming cauldron of bits and bobs, little pieces of, I don't know, twine and hair. Well, isn't there two eggs? No, Chrissy, two X's and one Y. No, two eggs. Eggs? Yes, indeed. I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Next question. No? Let me tell you about something, boys.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Because when I think of ease and delight, I think of the Stoics. Like Plato. He lived a life of ease and delight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Absolute bullshit is that. That is such negativity. Nobody's going to remember you. That is the nature of death. You become remembrance. That's what it is. And it's likely at least one person will remember you. I mean, maybe in Zahn's case, some people will be forgetting. What a shocking thought. Shocking. Wait, he's talking about death, and the guy asked about ease and delight. I know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, God, remember that. He took a 20-mile journey with a strange man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's two separate children in the same womb at the same time. So you're just a sibling. That's it. That's all you are. You're just a sibling that has known another human. At longer than most people. I mean, you know, your mother, I guess, is that would be that argument there. But there's an extra human being that, you know, longer than anybody else has.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You are, in fact, remembering her. I know. That's what I thought, too.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yes, so now you have become... The guy who's remembering the lady who was forgotten.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I mean, I get the point, but it's not really. This is it. He's not articulating it well. Yeah, he's not. But I guess articulation has never been Zahn's strong suit since we've known him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Well, okay. End on a high note. Send him out the door all gung-ho.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And you've literally shared the same birth canal almost at the same time. But that's a it's a thing. But it's a bond. Yeah, it's not like identical twins. We do not feel each other's pain. Although I will say there has been times when serious life events have happened, and I have sensed that something was going on with my brother. I can see that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Like this conference you're at now that you paid all this money for. To watch my transitions slowly get darker. His transition lenses have gotten darker and darker as the evening has worn on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You're such a stoic. Who was that? Jodie Foster and Nell?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Well, what's the point? If I'm climbing a mountain, I'm telling everybody. Instagram, bitches.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What? Meanwhile, Zahn's going to go home, play some Fortnite, and eat a cheeseburger from McDonald's. That's right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But I think a lot of siblings feel that way in general. I think best friends can feel that way. Husband and wife can feel that way. Father and child, daughter and mother, whatever it is. Anyway, back to Machine Gun Kelly. They, you know, maybe he's not the father and he found out and that's what's upsetting him. Could be. Machine Gun Kelly and, you know, Megan Fox, they are blood married.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
All right, I think that's a good place to wrap it up with Zahn, because how much can one take of making no point trying to make a point? Oh, Zahn, Zahn.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, God. Well, you know, listen, he's not the worst DUA we've ever seen. That's for sure. He's not the best, but he's not the worst. And what I mean by that is he's certainly got this idea, weird idea stuck in his head about women and relationships.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, but just pulling out quotes from every chapter in history does not make you enlightened. No. It doesn't. I'm sorry. I wouldn't know because I'm not enlightened. I'm not claiming to be. But I do know that this is not it. No. I'd probably go with that chick in the white headdressing. What was her name? Bajran Yogi. Yogi Bajran. That's more my flavor. I like ayahuasca. That's more my flavor.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's mild compared to Zahn. I'd rather do a night of ayahuasca than a night with Zahn.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
God, and this thing is two hours and 40 minutes long. Can you imagine sitting through two hours and 40 minutes of this? No. Underneath that lighting in that Holiday Inn conference room? No, thank you. Oh, okay. All right. So here we go. We're trucking along 12 days of TCB right on through Christmas and beyond. All right. Through Christmas and beyond.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We will be here every day with a brand new episode. I think this is a Sunday episode that we're recording right now. I think so. I think that will officially be the first ever Sunday episode of the commercial break. So there you go. Breaking new ground every single day, Chrissy. Breaking new ground. All right, tcbpodcast.com, that's where you go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
More information about the show, all the audio, all the video, and now all episodes are available on video, either on the website, on Spotify, or youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. But when you go to the website, and we implore you to, you can get your free sticker. If you go to the Contact Us page, drop down menu, I want my free sticker, give us your address, away it will go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Also, if you make a donation to St. Jude's Foundation or the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, send us a screenshot and we will send you some extra swag. 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok. Follow us, like, comment on your favorite video. We certainly would appreciate it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
They're certainly sharing DNA. I mean, listen, you're a certain kind of kooky-wooky when you do blood wedding. I get it. I get it. Sometimes you're just so in love with somebody. You know how when you're in love with somebody and you want to eat them? Have you ever felt that? Yes. You want to eat them? Not like cannibalize them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's okay, Armie Hammer. Yeah, eat them. No, no, not like Armie Hammer, eat them. Just like you wish you could ingest. There was a level of intimacy that was further than the level of intimacy you could get by all the normal means, like sticking your penis inside of them. You had other ways of getting intimate.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Chew on them, yes. Chew on their arm and make it bleed. Yes. Anyway, Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly no longer together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I don't think so. I think Megan Fox... The pregnancy was the deal breaker. The pregnancy was the deal breaker. Here's my take on Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox, in case you want to know. Because I'm very interested in this relationship, believe it or not. Because they are a certain kind of personality. Like, wacky, out there. Mm-hmm. Eyes, all eyes on them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
They don't really give a shit, but of course they give a shit, that kind of thing. And they find comfort in each other's craziness, right? I think. This is what I'm, like, garnering just from public information. Because I have no inside track on Megan Fine. But they take comfort in each other's craziness. But that craziness can also wear on you, right? And it can wear on a relationship.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's exhausting. And it's a constant circus around those two. Constant circus. Like we've talked about this before on the show. When two people are involved in the circus... The pressure is really on. Jennifer, whatever, Jen Lopez and Ben Affleck, when that circus gets really heated, it's like a pressure cooker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's either going to come out with diamonds or it's going to crumble like a piece of shit. And I think MJQ, whatever his name is, MJK... MGK.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I think Machine Gun Kelly and I think Megan Fox, they've been under that pressure cooker for a long time. And I can imagine that certain kind of crazy has started to wear on them. They took that blood feud or blood oath or whatever the fuck it was. And as soon as that happened, I mean, how many more tattoos can you get of each other? You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You're running out of space on your body. I think that they stay at least disassembled for a long period of time because they need to cool off from the craziness. That's my opinion.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Who else? I mean, you shared blood with her. You have tattoos all over. Who else are you going to get together with? Like Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. You know, they take comfort in that certain kind of crazy, right? Then they break up and it's disastrous for both of them. They're like both really hurt. Blue agrees. Blue totally agrees.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But now they never got back together once Pamela and Tommy Lee separated.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
She just got nominated for a Golden Globe for best female performance in a musical, I mean, in a drama. I saw that. Yeah, for The Last Showgirl, I think is what it's called. The Last Showgirls. Very interesting. I want to see that. I like Pam Anderson. I've always liked Pam Anderson.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
There's a whole show. It's a reality show? Mm-hmm. Oh, very interesting. And they follow her around? Yeah, and she does all her homebody beach stuff. Hot take. I mean, not hot take, but here's what I always thought about Pam Anderson. I never thought she was the most attractive. It's my opinion, my objective, my completely subjective opinion. She was never the most attractive woman.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I know that people went gaga over her. What's a certain type? is a certain type and you're either into it. Why I liked Pam Anderson was her personality. She always seemed like smarter than the average bear. Do you know what I'm saying? She was like in on the joke. She understood it. She drove the bus. And I know that, you know, she may not agree with that 100% because I didn't live her life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I don't know. But the same reason why I like Jenny McCarthy, like not the most, you know, to me, not the most like I would prefer Daisy Fuentes if you go back to that era.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
than jenny mccarthy but at the end of the day jenny mccarthy was always in on the joke and that to me was attractive like i liked their sense of humor i liked how smart they were i'd like that they were in on the joke that was it so i i wish nothing but the best for pam anderson hopefully she gets that that golden globe not and i would like to see the last showgirls have you seen her i have not i wonder what it's about i wonder if we knew anything that we were talking about here on the commercial break
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Brian Austin Green. Yes, Brian Austin. He was in 90210. He was in 90210.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I told this story before, probably many years ago on the show, but when I moved from Chicago to Atlanta, I was 12 years old, maybe going on 13 years old, something like that. And obviously I moved with my family. Brian wasn't taking a bus on his own down to Atlanta. The show 90210 came out in that summertime or in that period of time when we had just moved.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Someone in the neighborhood in Chicago started a rumor that the Brian Greene on the show was the Brian Greene that had left the neighborhood. Same Brian Greene. When I came back to Chicago the first time after that show had been running... You rode that wave. I rode that wave.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Kids thought, well, I mean, all they needed to do was take one look at me to understand that that was not the same guy that was on TV. Plus, I think Brian Austin Green at the time was like five years old or six years older than I was. I mean, clearly I was not.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
They were in their 30s. That's how you did it back then. I mean, 21 Jump Street. Johnny Depp was like 41 playing a high schooler or something like that. That was a great show, by the way, 21 Jump Street.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Not only were the show premises absolutely ridiculous, but then the people that they got to play the characters were absolutely ridiculous. No one would believe that Johnny Depp was a high schooler or that Jason Priestley was, you know, a sophomore in high school. I mean, it's just absolutely ridiculous. And who was the other guy, the guy who passed away? What was his name on 90210? Hmm.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I thought Shannon Doherty was still alive. No, she died of breast cancer. Oh. I don't remember. I'm so confused. I'm so sorry to hear that. Shannon Doherty was like a mega, mega star when 90210 came out. In July. Wow. Oh, the people that we've lost this year. In memorandum. A lot of people. In memorandum. We would do an in memorandum here, but we'd probably get it all wrong. We would.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We have many times quoted people to be dead that aren't in fact dead.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Chris Christopherson has been dead for no years.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But you know what we have done this year as we've done the 12 days of TCB? We have gone back so far and looked at events, content, or programs that we have enjoyed over the year that you have enjoyed. You have told us as listeners you've enjoyed in 2024. And one of the things that has really resonated with people, good, bad, and indifferent, has been our focus on the pickup artist community.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And more specifically, the poise. And more specifically, the poise who go to the 21 convention. I said poise like Hak Tua. Hak Tua. Hawk Tua. Speaking of Hawk Tua, let's take a side note here. Did you hear about this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, I have been diving into this. This is fucking insane. First of all, let's say that yesterday we started the show by saying that Kylie Kelsey had the number one podcast in all the land on her very first episode of her very first podcast. Congratulations to her. No shade. Yes, absolutely. No shade whatsoever. Congratulations to her. She knocked Joe Rogan out of the top spot.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
That is a mighty feat because Joe gets big, big, big numbers. But then the Hawk to a Girl is like the number five most popular podcast in all the land. How is the Hawk to a Girl more popular than the commercial break? I mean, it's probably easy to understand. It's more entertaining. But I'm telling you right now, that is a crazy feat to be the number five podcast in all the land. That means you're
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You're getting millions and millions of people listening every single episode you put out there. Hak Tua and all of her infinite wisdom. And I don't know this girl. I don't know her. I have not paid attention to the story. I think it's kind of ridiculous that she got so famous for saying two words on a street in Nashville. But whatever. People apparently liked her personality. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
She took the opportunity to cash in like a lot of these new age, new media stars do. And she rug pulled a bunch of people with a meme coin. Let me explain very briefly. Meme coin is an alt coin. It's just like Bitcoin or any of those others. It sits on a block coin.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
Yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Sanders to my RFK Jr.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
I remember this video. I remember doing it. I don't know anything about chakras, but there's something right here and there's something right here. I got indigestion.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
Imagine you're on a job interview, raging hard on. You got a hot girl behind the desk and you let out, you go up and out, up and out. Yes. Yes.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
From the same place where all your blood goes a couple times a minute. From that heart place, that heart thing.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
It rolls across the floor like a smoke machine just waiting to pounce on any pussy that comes our way.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
Am I right? Everybody's a rapist when they've got that lower penis energy.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
To just grab it? Do you want us just to bend it over? To thrust right into her?
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
You're sorry? You tried to verbally, sexually assault a woman with her apple ass?
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
Well, thanks for pointing that out. Now none of us have a chance, Zahn.
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TCB... A Show About Friendship!
Hey, you don't mind if I practice getting good at texting with you, do you? I just got to do a couple of practice texts. I got to put in the reps. I got my 30-minute strategy call in a few minutes. Can I? Dick pic.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And that's the manager's job of the band is to make sure that they run around cracking heads if people aren't getting paid. And bands have, and they probably will in the future. I would imagine, and this is just from stories that I've heard with much smaller festivals, there have been occurrences where a band is late to go on stage because the money hasn't hit their account yet.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Because that's the only thing they got. The only thing they got is to withhold the presentation. And if someone wants them to play, I remember when we put on Jam Land Productions. Yeah. It all goes back to Jam Land. The Jam Land Mountain Blues Fest. Oh, the Mountain Blues. The Mountain Blues Fest. Jam Land Productions presents the North Georgia Mountain Blues Fest.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
You would have been like assistant associate producer running around, bringing me beer. Yeah.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
helping everybody get high or something i don't know uh but we showed up to this land up in the mountains this beautiful cleared pasture the this guy owned a bunch of land he had multiple like cleared pastures up in the mountains and we said okay this is going to be the camping this is where we're going to put the food and the food by the way was one papa john's Who was taking a golf cart.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
You had to take a golf cart up the mountain because it was hard to get cars up there. So they were taking golf carts up and down the mountain, bringing pizzas and selling them by the slice.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It was. You're right. Fair enough. Um, people got fed and there was, we had kegs of beer up there and all the other stuff, but we like went and bought them at the liquor store. It wasn't like we had a liquor purveyor sponsoring us. We had zero sponsors, but we had little vendors and stuff, you know, selling trinkets and shit like that. They sold zero trinkets, but okay, whatever.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We had like a thousand people that showed up to this festival.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, plus we just have some friends where you say party and they all show up, right? And I'm sure we were charging like $15 to some people, right? It's most... We had like undercover cops show up. Oh, really? Yes, we did from the county that we were in. I'm not going to get into it, all the details.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
But we had security down at the bottom of the hill looking for, you know, for tickets and making sure that people didn't bring glass up there and stuff like that. You know, they were like loosely checking for shit. And we had hired them. They were like our friends. You know, hey, you look mean. Go down there and, you know. And so anyway.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
The muscle knew some of the sheriff's officers from town. And a couple of them tried to get in the festival plain clothes. And the guys were like radioing up to us. Like, I got a couple of cops here trying to get in. What do you want me to do? And I was like, don't let him in. And they didn't let him in. And the cops had to get turned away because he just refused to let him in.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And it was like private land. What are you going to do? Anyway, the point is, is that we. had secured like some okay i think um i think tinsley ellis if i'm not sure was there donna hopkins band like there was some locally regional acts that you would if you were familiar with me yeah john skinny uh fat john popper um you know some local acts that uh oh we had um Moonshine. Moonshine stills.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
No moon taxi. No moon taxi here. Moonshine. Moonshine taxi. That's right. Moonshine taxi. But so, like, we're up there two days ahead of time because the stage, we literally had to, like, take spiders off the stage. Like, it was just this old stage.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It was already there. It had been set up by the guy for whatever reason. I'm not sure. But it had been there for years and years and years. And then we rented this equipment and they put it. Anyway, the guy, my partner, Pete, in the whole thing, he calls me and I'm up there. And he says, listen, I have an opportunity to get perpetual groove up there.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
P-groove. And for a late night set closing out Saturday night, midnight to like 3 a.m.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Everybody eat your drugs, including P. Groove. We're all going to eat our drugs and do this together. Right. And they were just like they were well known, but like a regional act at the time. And so I was a little unconvinced because Pete says we got to get together five thousand dollars. Because I have $5,000. They want $10,000. I have $5,000. They have $5,000.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And I don't know the exact numbers, but basically we had half, and then we had to put in the other half. He said, so are you willing to forego $5,000 in profit on the festival, which we were going to make anyway. I know. But are you willing to forego in order to make it? And I said, yes. And he ran around like a chicken with his head cut off trying to get formed.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Because back then, it wasn't like you could get on your phone and just like sell somebody $5,000. It was this whole ordeal. And I remember that P Groove got there. They had played an early set somewhere else at like 7 o'clock. And they got there right at midnight. And we were all trying to set them up. And they still hadn't been paid.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And the guy from P-Groove looked at me and he said, we're going to go because we're late. We're going to get on stage. But by the end of this, our manager's got to have that check. Like, got to have that check in hand or there's going to be problems. And luckily, we managed to pull it off. I don't know if the check cleared, but we managed to give him a check.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, we bounced a check to P-Groove. But man, they played a set. They played a set. It was incredible. And then we all got on a golf cart after, like me and the singer and we got on a golf cart. We put the keg, like a pony keg on the back and we rode around and we gave people beers and other stuff. Yeah.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
That was the same festival where the guy cut his foot because somebody brought glass, cut his foot. He's like profusely bleeding, but he had a pocket full of Percocets. So he was just like, kept chewing them. And I was like, dude, you're going to die. Don't stop that. Yeah, you're like on number five. I think it's good. Let's take you to the hospital.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Eventually we got an ambulance up there and took him to the hospital. He was badly bleeding.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Ah, Jam Land Productions. Really the golden age for, peak Brian is Jam Land Productions, if I'm being honest. If I'm being self-aware, Peak Brian is Jam Land Productions. Probably that night is Peak Brian. Me pulling off, bouncing a check to P-Groove. Hoodwinking P-Groove into playing my 3 a.m. set at the North Georgia Mountain Blues Fest that went on to do no follow-up concerts.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Well, we did Mountain Jam. Then we did Aqua Blues Fest. And then we did some other stuff. But, you know, it was hard. You can't make a living doing that.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, I know. Even Jeff knows that. Even if you're well-resourced and all the best intentions. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, to get you to year number two takes a lot. What's Memphis on year number six?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We've been doing this for eight years?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Okay. All right. I remember Jeff talking about that when we went out to dinner, and he was just excited because he had gotten the green light to go spend some money to do this.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
He was all excited. I was like, well, whatever you need, bro. I had Jam Land Productions. So if you need me to be there, let me know. I, however, was waiting patiently by the phone and I still am. So tells you everything you need to know about Jeff's faith and Jam Land Productions. I remember he's outside and we were like smoking a cigarette or something. And he's like, yeah, bro. Yeah. Yeah.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I got you. Yeah. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah. No. Well, it was worth a shot.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Well, thank you. But will I get paid? That's the question.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I got kids. Yeah, okay. Tickets, I know that I got. But even that's hard. I mean, even that's hard. You know, it's so hard to get away an entire weekend. Of course. Maybe this year I'll ask Astrid, like, Can I please go? Please? Yeah. She might love me. You never know. She's a sweet lady.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
If I really said, hey, babe, I really want to go to this, we would figure out a way to make it happen. But there's so much Catholic guilt in me. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. I'd be like, ah, the fucking kids and the fucking dog and the fucking bills I got to pay, blah, blah, blah. All right, let's take a break. When we get back, I have a Carl Lentz update.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Carl has posted an apology video online. It's about an hour long. We probably won't get to all of it, but I thought, let's get it started. Let's see what it's all about and see what Carl's up to. You remember Carl? Of course. Hey, girl.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, Justin Bieber's preacher for a while. Hillsong dude of the year. With the victory V. A victory V. Hard to preach on a full dick. All right. Got to go, girl. All right. We'll get into Carl when we get back.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. All right. All right. I got my Biebs hat on. Yeah, that's right, girl. That's right, girl. Hey, girl. All right.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I got to get my phone here just in case I got to call somebody. I got to pick up the phone. I got to see her. Hey, girl. All right. That's a little low. Hey, girl. All right. That's better. I'm here to make an apology, girl. I'm sorry I jizzed all over your mom's front door. But I did leave her a couple dollars just in case. Christian, what you up to over there?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I missed you. Listen, I've been talking to the Lord. I've been walking with the Lord this morning, and he said, you know what you need? A new picture of tits. And I got a call from the Lord, and I answered it, and he said... And I said, all right, I'll give her a call. But this isn't me. You know, you understand I'm just a vessel for the Lord. And I have a vessel.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
But just like a plane can't land with a full tank of gas, I can't preach with a full vessel. So I got to release that vessel. But I don't want to make things messy for you and your husband. So just send that picture over. I'll release my vessel. And then we'll get on to preaching. All right, well, I got a new haircut, and I'm going to say I'm sorry here. I got to let you go.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I got to do this video. I got to talk to you. Yeah, my wife wants me to make a video and tell the people I'm really sorry about all that stuff I did. And, you know, we got kids. So she said, you better get on it, Carl. It only took me three years, but here I am. Better late than never, said God or Jesus or one of them in that Bible. Okay, all right, I got to go. I got to call Biebs.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We're still in touch, me and Biebs. I say, hey, Biebs, come on over. We'll smoke a blunt. We'll get on Pornhub.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Here's Carl in his basement, seems like. Very, very nice house. I like Carl. Got a beautiful house. And he's got a single microphone. He's staring into the camera. And this is the beginning. We'll do some of his apology video. I don't know how much of this dribble I can get through.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, but you heard it over here last. But I noticed that Carl has been on a lot of podcasts lately.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, he's been doing the tour. And a lot of them are religion-related, and he's kind of doing the apology thing, and here's the things I did wrong, and here's the things I learned. But one of the things I did know about Carl is that back then, when he was hanging out with Biebs and all those people, he did Impulsive, the Logan Paul podcast.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
You know, and that's one of the bigger YouTube channels in the world. And he was on that. It's like seven years ago, but he was on it. He was kind of a force to be reckoned with.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And he had a force to be reckoned with. Oh, yeah. High up. He was high. All right.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Let's hear what Carl has. Let's give him a shot, Chrissy. Okay. Maybe he's a changed man.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We'll play a little basketball, a little b-ball. I'm in my time out period, but trust me, when I come back, you're going to love it. We'll be back together before too long. Paparazzi just waiting outside for us. All right, I got to go.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And multiple camera angles? Yeah. Really?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It's been four years since you've seen me. And now it's time for me to reclaim my throne. That's right. As a family that some people know about, other people. Trump's in office. And I figure now's a better time to scam people than ever. So here I am.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So good gravy. Get on with it. Let's talk about the sucking in the fucking, Carl.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I guess he's doing a series of these, like a podcast, vodcast kind of thing. You know, Astrid says I sound like an old man when I say vodcast. A video, a podcast that's on video on YouTube. Yeah, you know.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, still seems full of shit. And, you know, I think this was always the plan. Get out of the public eye for a while and then use the redemption story to make more fucking money.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I had a couple of them. And I think it would be irresponsible of me to let all those women go without without making this video first. Listen, I'm not saying I'm a change. What you're seeing here is a man who's healed and a man who's healing from his deep penile wounds. And I don't take pictures of me. I'm out of the public life.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
All right. All right. One picture. One picture. I'll sign it.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah. All the girls, you're going to take a picture of me. I'll stand in the back. I'll autograph it with my hard sword of the Lord. I'm back, baby. I'm back. I love it. I love the good gravy that comes from fame and fortune and money. And he's from heaven, baby. And he's from heaven. I still got a beautiful house. I've been laughing all the way to the bank. All right.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And I got a new pair of glasses from Warby Parker. This video is sponsored by Warby Parker.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I got hooked up with Frank Bonato. Yeah. I got Frankie's follicles. He had a hair transplant, his head to my head. I said, listen, you're too old, but let me carry the cross. No pun intended. I got you. Give me your follicles. All right. And look at my beard. Salt and pepper. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm a change man. And I still go to the tanning bed. I got a nice tan.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I'll tell you what. Four years in the sun. This has been a lot of fun. We had a good time here at the left household. Good time. Kids are healthy and in therapy. Homeschooled. They can't go out in public. But it's okay. I'm back, baby.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I got a nice microphone. You see that?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, probably, because he's that kind of guy.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We're still in touch, me and Biebs. I say, hey, Biebs, come on over. We'll smoke a blunt. We'll get on Pornhub.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We'll play a little basketball, a little b-ball. I'm in my timeout period, but trust me, when I come back, you're going to love it, Biebs. We'll be back together before too long. Paparazzi just waiting outside for us. All right, I got to go.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Fair Abraham. Fair Abraham is my first guest. We both had a time out, but now we're back preaching to the Lord. Preaching the good word, Chrissy. The good word of sucking and fucking. I love it. It's a time out of tradition, us preachers.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Not everything. When I got caught, I gave my wife an ultimatum. I said, open marriage or I'm leaving. And all that money is in my chest hair. That's what they want. That's what the ladies want.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So I want to thank you all very much. Good years were good. And I'm a good saver.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Thanks for joining us. Were you a Girl Scout? I was.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Did the brownies sell the cookies?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Man, I'll tell you what, it's Girl Scout cookie time, and that is a dangerous time for all of our waistlines around here because they are so good. The tagalongs or whatever you call them, now they have the toffee something or other.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Oh, my God. Absolutely addictive. A regular old shortbread cookie with toffee pieces in it. It is crack. That's what it is. It's crack. Now that I don't smoke crack anymore, that's my crack. It's crack. There's no doubt. And my kids love them, and everybody loves them. We spend about $110 on cookies every year, and they're gone within the week.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, I have questions. I got lots of questions. Like how much does that Rolex cost on your wrist?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And they're getting more expensive and you're getting less of them. Shrinkflation. Shrinkflation is happening with the Girl Scout cookies. And I want to know something. So one of the people in our family, loosely related to our family, sells them to us each year. We go to her to make sure we help her. Yeah, she's our dealer. Yes, exactly. She's our dealer charging $7 a box.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I hear you, girl. Excuse me for a second. I'm going to rub myself if you don't mind. You're looking sexy today, girl.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, a neon cross. The Motley Crue neon cross. Yeah, the cross you don't find often at churches.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Oh, it can be worse. It can be worse than cheating in a marriage that happens to 50 percent of marriages. This is just you guys are pretending like you're the.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Ground zero for all things terrible that happened. You brought this on yourself, Carl.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
absolute evidence that you can you know and that there's there's hope after a lot of time actually for it to fall apart yeah don't worry carl you'll fuck it up sooner or later i'm sure of it first of all second of all i mean he's falling short of saying call me if you have a problem i can only imagine i can only imagine what it must be like
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
To have a family, to like cheat on your spouse and then so publicly have a blow up and then have to show up at Thanksgiving dinner with your spouse's family. It's got to be the most uncomfortable thing in the world. But you got to do it. You know you got to do it if you want to stay with your loved one. You got to do that.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I don't know that I'll ever let you forget it. But yeah, he wants to move on.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, he did. Yeah, it was like an Instagram post. Like, hey, yeah, I've been fucking the hot maid. Yeah. Hey, listen. Yeah, I've been fucking the hot maid, but all things considered, I have been doing a lot of preaching too. So I figured, what? It's like a scale. It's bad and it's good. I show up to church every Sunday. I wipe my sins clean and then I wipe my dick on somebody's curtains. Okay.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
All right. What's worse? Honestly, let's be real. Who's not jizzing on the curtains?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
But then somebody else on Facebook was selling them for $6 a box. And then I go to the store the other day and there's a lady like there is often in suburbia selling the cookies outside for $15 a box. Wow. Why the price discrepancy?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I've been in a constant state of depressive solitude since Carl's Instagram post waiting for Carl to answer my questions about what happened, though it seems pretty clear what happened. There was a hot chick at the park and you fucked her and you got caught. Yes.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I'm embarrassed, but go ahead. Yeah. Because I want to crawl inside a hole and die, but sure. No problem. I'm here. That could be fun. Yeah. Perfect. It could be fun. It could be fun for her because she's like, I just want to throw you against a wall.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We waited. That's not a great question. No. What happened? Right. How did you meet her? What did she look like? Right. What birthmarks did she have? Why did you continue? Was she better in bed?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
He did. He was, like, dropping stacks of money off at her mom's house or something.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
That's right. And he was sending, like, weird photographs from the car, and I'm on my way to meet the Lord, and here's my dick, and...
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
First and foremost, finish myself off so I didn't get blue balls. Second of all, take lots of pictures so I had material to not have blue balls in the future. Third, take all the money I could from the church. Fourth, call you and tell you there may or may not be a TMZ article coming out. And could I pay you to stay around? And then number three, the kids are somewhere in there.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I don't know, they're 12 or something, 13. But click and subscribe, like and comment on your favorite videos. Go to our Patreon.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Because there's a Patreon. He's selling a book or some shit. Who knows? Get ad-free episodes here. So he has a Patreon.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Well, no, we aren't, but the people who watch this regularly will.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Shouldn't it just be one flat rate? Like across the country, one flat rate for the cookies? $15 a box. $15 a box.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I want to salvage my reputation. You just hurt the woman. The thing about being famous is, I imagine, I don't know, but I imagine that is that everything is amplified. And the people in your life sometimes didn't choose that amplification. They didn't choose to make the speaker so loud.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And so when you do something like this, when you fail the church, when you fail your marriage, when you're cheating on your spouse and your kids know about it, is that it's everywhere all the time. And all you care about is your reputation.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
How about caring about the feelings and protecting the people that you love or trying to, you know, they may not necessarily want your protection in that moment, but trying to shield them from some of this by coming out and immediately saying, this is what I did. I'm sorry. I did jizz on the curtains.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It's hard to preach on a full dick. It's hard to preach with a Bieber hat on.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, okay, I get the six and seven, you know, one person wants to make. I guess it's about how much money you raise and maybe not how many boxes you sell. But I think it should be converse. The situation should be inverse. Like, I think that we should have... how many boxes you sell, not how much money you make. And I guess that doesn't make any sense either. But listen, I don't care what it is.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, I think he's a narcissist. But I think you have to be a narcissist to believe that you're the one that's talking to God and everybody else needs to talk through you. And I think that's a certain kind of sickness, if I'm being honest.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And listen, can I just be clear about this? You cheated on your wife. You didn't murder anybody. This happens all the time. all the time. I'm not saying, I'm not trying to wash away the pain that it caused everybody else in your life. But I'm saying this isn't like the world's most surprising sin.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
You are in good company when it comes to preachers who have cheated on their wives or had sex affairs or whatever. You're in good company. It's kind of like part and parcel, you know, milk and cookies, coffee and cream, preachers and extramarital affairs. It happens.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
What? We were shell-shocked. Shell-shocked. You knew the whole time. You were a part of it. Your dick was there. Right.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
They were staying at a friend's house.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Staying at a friend's house. That had to have been a really weird dinner conversation. So, Carl, I don't know if you've read any newspaper ever today, but it says here you were dicking down some girl you met at the doggy park. Yeah.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, it was probably a church-related property is my guess.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, it was probably Biebs. Yes, you might be right. Yeah, you might be right about that. Yeah.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So some kind of celebrity, somebody associated with the church, somebody, you know, high up, a politician, whatever.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Just make it one price. $6 a box and you get as many as you did last year because this year- $15 is crazy.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Oh, that's Auntie Stardust. Daddy met her at a special club for heavenly adults.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I would not have been want to be in 50 yards of that woman that night for sure. And I do. I can kind of understand. We all understand the stress of being homeless.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
caught in the corner and like don't know what to do don't know where to go we've all been in if you've lived enough life you've been in some situation that you've probably gotten yourself into that you don't know how you get yourself out of that's very stressful and that feeling of just like what do i do now what do i do now
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It was $15. And these people look like they were scamming people. I didn't like it. And they were a little pushy about it too. They're like, guys, help your local Girl Scout troop. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I already bought at the office or whatever. And she was like, you can buy more. Yeah. Support local. And I'm like, how do you know I didn't buy them local? I didn't.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So I called Stardust, and we stayed at her house for the next couple of weeks.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, that's where you go. That's where people go when they need a place to stay is a hotel, an Airbnb, something. Rent a home real quick.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, I bet that was one of the most intense feelings ever. I do have empathy for, even if you got yourself into this situation, it never feels good. That kind of stress never feels good. And with children, every move that you make is also amplified. And so I can't imagine being in a similar situation, in a U-Haul van, driving around, nowhere to go. What do we do?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Kids are too young to understand what's going on. But hey, at least you don't have blue balls.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I was letting it go all over the place. I'll tell you what. I let it go on Tuesday, then on Thursday morning, then by myself on Friday, and then in the church parking lot. I was just letting it go for a control guy. That was kind of hard. I'll tell you that one. All right. Well, listen. We can't do Carl forever. I wish we could.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
We can get back to it, though, if we want to go more into it. Because now I'm kind of interested.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Now I'm like, okay, what did happen? Like, what is the minutiae of how this all went down? See, he's getting me. Now he's roping me into his silly story. God damn it.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yes, it is the good lighting and microphone. You know, there's a reason why people liked him. It's because he's an engaging character, right? But most narcissists are engaging characters. And I do feel for her. This is not her fault. And so I have a lot of empathy for where she's at. And I can only imagine what she was feeling at this time.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
He's talking about how he's feeling.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It is all about him. But let's be honest. It was always all about him. And she knows that. She married him. She knows what's going on. Well, and then Hillsong Church is no more either. The church that he...
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
But how do you know I didn't buy them local? I got mine shipped in from North Carolina. You got a problem with that? Is that okay? I don't know. Anyway, anybody who's got Girl Scouts in their life knows that this time of year is dangerous. And then we all got to wait another year to get them. Though I do see that they are selling some of these at the grocery stores now.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah. And they paid high-priced attorneys. It's just all shenanigans.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It's like, you know, I'm not against religion.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It's the ones that become all-powerful that just really start to destroy lives in so many different ways. And Carl is a testament to that. When you're a rock star preacher, you know, and you're playing fast and loose, you got a bunch of... Got a full dick. Yeah, got a full dick. You gotta empty it. All right. Well, listen, maybe we'll get back to Carl next week. Maybe we won't.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Hope you have a good weekend and all that jazz. TCBpodcast.com. That's where you go to find out more information about Chrissy and I. All the audio, all the video right there from one location. No muss, no fuss. You can just go there and, you know, do the URL thing if that's what you're into. Also, you can get your free TCB sticker by hitting the Contact Us button.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Drop down menu says I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address. Astrid will send you one. You want us to sign it or something like that, just let us know in the email and we'll do our best to get that out to you. At The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
For all the episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, or leave us a voicemail if you want to be on the next episode. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
But I'll tell you that I love you.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I'll say best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Girl Scout cookies at the grocery stores. Yes. I don't know what's going on, but I think I saw them at Whole Foods or Walmart or one of those things or something.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah. Like, I mean, if they're cutting out the middleman, then how are those girls going to make money?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
They are exclusive to the Girl Scouts, but I think the Girl Scouts have decided they can make money year-round on this. Why wait?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, and I don't know if the Girl Scouts are like the Boy Scouts, but the Boy Scouts aren't exactly on a hot run right now. I don't know if you know this or not, but it's a tough time for the Boy Scouts in general. And the Boy Scouts, I believe, now have to allow girls in the Boy Scout troops if they ask.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So there you go. Do the boys get to go to the Girl Scouts? Probably, I guess. I don't know. I don't know. I went to two Boy Scout meetings. And I got to be honest, the guys who were leading the meetings were giving off vibes, if you know what I mean. And I was only there for two things, whatever you call them, meetings, Boy Scout troop, whatever, conferences.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I don't even know what the fuck you call them. At the local Catholic church. The leaders were giving off vibes. I could feel it. And I was only 13 years old. And they wanted to do a camping trip the very next weekend. And my dad was like, y'all want to go? And I don't want to go. I don't know what's going on there, Dad. Something's going on. None of those troop leaders have kids.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And they're all interested in having kids. You know what I'm saying? I'm not saying anything bad was happening. I'm saying I, in my little pea brain at that time, I had a spidey sense about the whole situation. I didn't like it. It was not for me. But I did know a lot of Boy Scouts and I know some guys who are Eagle Scouts. Oh, yeah. Which is not easy to do.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
It's like when you become an Eagle Scout, I think you have to like do a bunch.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, you got to know how to tie multiple knots when you're an Eagle Scout. And like, you know, skin a bear with your bear teeth or something like that. Don't you have to catch a bald eagle and ride it around or something?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, you have to make a fire with nothing but your fingers. I mean, it's like a complicated thing. And when I see an Eagle Scout, you know, be proud you're an Eagle Scout. That was not an easy thing to do. But at what age do you stop saying Eagle Scout? Or do you always put that on your resume?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah, no, me neither. I was never involved in any high achievement at any level. None. Zero. Not even, like, middle-level achievement. Uh... I do remember interviewing a guy at Clear Channel when I was doing interviews. I remember interviewing a guy, and he had Eagle Scout on his resume. And I asked him, I said, what is this about? Eagle Scout, what are you doing there?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
And he said, well, being an Eagle Scout is an important thing. It's recognized by the United States government. He went on this whole diatribe. And I found myself really impressed. I didn't hire him because he's going to make me look bad. He's going to make me look bad. I didn't need any more competition there. I looked pretty bad as it was. I didn't need yet another guy.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I felt like he was the guy who could take my job. Never had hired the guy who's going to replace you. You know what I'm saying?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Hire people who aren't going to replace you. And I had plenty of those.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Yeah. They didn't let me hire anybody. I mean, I only had one direct hire and she never came to work. So I don't know. She had a period for like three months one time. She really did. I was like, oh, okay. I mean, and I wasn't arguing. No siree, Bob, was I arguing. I knew better. My mom raised me right. I was like, okay, you take the 56 day off in a row, I guess. Okay. All right.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Update on Fyre Fest as it stands right now. Though when this episode comes out, there will probably be more information about this. But I just noticed something. that is very interesting about this. There's been an update as we record this.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Now there's been an update to the, uh, fire fest two or two, Billy McFarland's, uh, Instagram page where he's telling people, this is the only official communication is going to come from me and my Instagram page. So with a rousing 620 likes the, he has announced that fire fest two has changed venues, uh, I just noticed this. It's now at Playa del Carmen in the heart of the Mexican Riviera. Mayan.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Mayan Riviera. Well, yeah, they call it the Mexican Riviera or the Mayan Riviera. It's Quintana Roo. And that is, you know.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I do remember when Raphael visited Tulum a couple of times, I do remember like pictures he tagged himself in had the Quintana Roo or whatever it was.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Well, so he's naming. So here's the thing. And this is what this is. I think that I understood this is probably what was going to happen. There is no stage. It's not a festival in the traditional sense. This is more like South by Southwest. where there are multiple places you're going to go to see different things. Because now he's naming clubs at Playa del Carmen where things are going to happen.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So it says, happening at Playa del Carmen in the heart of the Mayan Riviera, the venues are the Martina Beach Club, the Coralina Beach Club, the Mayan Water Complex, and other private villas and beach locations. I mean, if this doesn't sound like the most work you've ever done.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Everything's happening. Don't worry.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Just pay. Yes. We have got some people booked that you're not going to believe, including bench-warming college athletes from volleyball teams. You're going to love it. It's going to be awesome. That's so cool. It's so crazy. No one's playing. No one's been announced. Still two months out. Not even less than two months out. Still no one on the agenda. Not one person has been officially announced.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Not one band. Not even one sports star. He keeps putting pictures of sports stars on his Instagram. But I don't know that they're going and they haven't made an official announcement. And now he's basically telling you he switched locations. He was doing it here. Now he's doing it like... 100 miles down the beach.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
So now, if you've bought tickets and you've got your hotel accommodations, you've got to switch them to the new location. This is the disaster waiting to happen, and I'm here for it. I hope that Netflix is on top of this.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
I don't care if you're paying Billy. Let Billy make a little money to pay those people back. Give him $100,000 and say, I want all access, and you have absolutely no control over the editor's cut. None. Zero. We're going to show everything.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Not be 100% cocksure and fire ready, no pun intended, for this, for everything. And if I was going to do it, I told you this, I would...
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
go to a bunch of millionaire investors, and there are plenty of dum-dums out there with zeros in their bank account, and I would say, guys, in an escrow account, controlled by lawyers and actual festival managers who are not related to me in any way, shape, or form, never worked with them before you choose them, I need money in a bank account because I have the PR ability to make this happen.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
He did. He did. He did. But he still does. That's the thing is that he's so well known now because of all the drama around Fire 1. He could have pulled this off had he done it the right way. Could have. But he's not going to. It's not going to happen. And this also, this change of venue last minute tells me that there's not many tickets that have been bought. Because you couldn't do this.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
If everyone was planning on going one place, you couldn't then just move it to another venue. I mean, I guess you could, but that'd be a really shitty thing to do. So he's already leaving people stranded, essentially, is what's happening. Here's some of the comments. Came for the comments. Can't wait to see the Netflix series. Please, Netflix. Does Playa del Carmen know about this?
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
Some other person says, I'm calling them later on to let them know. Nice. A venue change two months before the event. Sounds very fire-ific. I heard Michael Jackson is going to play. Nope. Breaking news. Fire 2 headliners include Snoop Cat, One Pock, Kanye East, Big Wayne, and 25 Cent.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
For each thing. Yes. So someone said Blink-82 is taking the deposit money again. Because you don't know, but that's actually how it all transpires. And Jeff would be able to elucidate on this a little bit.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
You have to deposit. So let's say that you're hiring Blink-182, Pearl Jam, whoever. Name some big band. Green Day. Some big legacy act. Let's say you're hiring them. And their fee is $2 million for an hour and a half. Festival appearance.
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Now I'm a Belieber! (The Return Of Carl Lentz)
They're probably going to say to you, depending on the negotiations, they're probably going to say to you, we need 50% at least 30 days before the event. And then we need 50% when we walk on stage. And by the time we get off stage, that better be in our account or there's going to be problems. Yeah.
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The media does their job of slanting the conversation one way or the other to suit whatever agenda they happen to have personally, organizationally. But this one gives me a little bit of pause because for weeks, even Neil deGrasse Tyson was addressing this. He said, Listen, and he's the one who said there is a zero or 100 percent chance. We just don't know what that is yet. Right.
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He's like, so don't everyone freak out because eventually we'll know. But he said by next year, we'll know if it's zero or 100 percent chance. How did they figure that out so quick? If Neil deGrasse Tyson, one of the smartest human beings that lives during my lifetime, said it's going to take a year for us to figure this out.
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When this asteroid gets on the other side of the sun, we'll figure it out. Then how did they figure it out in just a couple of days? And why are they now pushing out this particular story? Is that true? Or is there a bunker being built somewhere? I don't know. We are definitely not going to be included.
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How do we know if no one is actually working? How do we know if no one's working at those agencies? That's why we need these people. Lifelong public servants and bureaucrats sometimes do serve a purpose. I'm all about smaller government. Trust me. I am.
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I don't need every – I don't need to fill out a form for everything that I do in my life and have someone breathing down my neck about every time I shit or send a Zelle to my cousin. I don't need that. However – Some of these people, lifelong public servants, serve a purpose.
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And there's like this reel going around about people who have been recently fired by Doji or whatever the fuck we're calling it these days.
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Well, a bunch of people quit Doge because they didn't agree with whatever Musk was telling them to do. And so there's this reel going around. It's like 20 different people. The reel's about two minutes long and they are fired and they were explaining what they do in government. One guy was like, I clean up the trash at Yosemite so that you don't have to see dirty diapers. Yeah.
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So you don't have to see dirty diapers and fast food trash bags when you're driving in Yosemite. And the next person was like, I make sure the children get, you know, lunches for da da da da and whatever it was. These people are serving small but significant purposes inside. And those all those little small things end up being big things. Can we have a review? I agree with smaller government.
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Can we have a review, a process by which we go, is this, do we need this? Do we need this? Is this effective? Is it efficient? And then make a decision, but at least give people, at least give an opportunity to these organizations and these governmental bureaucracies to justify their existence and then let us all know why we have these people around. Then we go, oh, okay, they serve a purpose.
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Let's do that. I think that... That would be a good way to go about it.
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Yeah, but Doji's just taking a chainsaw because I believe that this is part of a movement called accelerationism, where some very rich people and some other influential behind-the-scenes people believe that society is breaking down anyway, and they want to accelerate it to get over the hump and create an AI-driven one world, right? This is called accelerationism. Look it up.
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It's 30 in the morning! Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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And I think, I don't know, but I think... I don't know. No one wants to look it up. That's the thing is that no one fucking agrees with it except for a couple of Looney Tunes who happen to be billionaires and running AI companies. Like this is super dangerous. But we're all I mean, I guess we're not all rolling around because I see these town halls, one of which happened here near where I live.
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Go to Silicon Valley where the rest of the people are with your kind of skill set. Go do something good with your life. And then because Musk cannot get a security clearance because he was not born here in the United States and because, because, because, because, because, because there's even questions about whether or not he actually is a citizen.
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They can't actually appoint him to the head of Doge. So they appointed someone else the head of Doge. Did you see that?
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And it's some lady running it. Yeah. And it's some lady who her entire social media is about her kids and, you know, treating kids with certain conditions and disease as well. And she seems like a perfectly reasonable, lovely lady who's on vacation in Mexico for three weeks and no one can get a hold of her. So it's like they just like pointed the finger and were like, you do it. Yeah, you do it.
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He'll call you and tell you what – he'll tweet at you, X at you, whatever you call it, and you do it. It's unbelievable. What the fuck is going on? I don't know. I don't know either. This is one bad episode of the commercial break. There is more organization at commercial break LLC than there is in the current administration.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us on this episode number 703,000. Thank you very much. Chrissy, I was going to share with you this week that there is an asteroid headed to Earth that is probably going to mean certain doom for all of humanity. It's called Asteroid YR24 because it was found in the later part of November of 2024.
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That is saying something because this is probably the worst organization in the history of LLCs. I'm telling you that right now. No doubt about it. All right, let's do this. I don't want to get on a rant because people hate when I get on. Well, some people like it, but, you know. Some people like it, but those are the only people that are still listening.
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And since our numbers are going down and not up, let's take a break. I'll take a deep breath, and we'll get to what we really enjoy doing, making fun of pickup artists.
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Okay, all right. Off our doji and on to our PUAs, Chrissy. I'm sure on the internet.
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As I do like to do. And you know, because of my search history on YouTube, I have an eclectic mix of things that will come up.
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The algorithm. Yeah. I'm telling you, national treasure. My search history on that computer and my search history on YouTube and Instagram, national treasure. National treasure. Why? I don't know. But if you're into bikinis... And crazy people, you're going to love my search history. Who doesn't love those two things? Well, I mean, I am a boy. Here's the thing.
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Somebody put out a reel the other day. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I'm justifying my bikini watching. Here's the thing. I'm flipping through Instagram the other day, and there is a gentleman. And he says, Instagram is so rigged. The algorithm is so rigged. toward racy content for any male. And I'm going to prove to you why.
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So then he explains that he's got three different Instagram accounts, his personal, his business, and then a Finsta, a fake Instagram account that he can use. I forgot why he explains he can use it. Probably to stalk his ex-girlfriend or whatever. But, you know, probably for nefarious purposes. But he explains this and he says in all three of those, it's me that owns the account.
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So they know that I'm male. They know that I am attracted to women. They must, right? He goes, anytime that I go to search on my business, on my personal or on my Finsta, all of the pictures that pull up are half naked women, women in bikinis or some other kind of racy content. He's like, on my... on my business account, I have never, not once, searched for anything like sex-related, right?
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Never, not once. And he says that I did an informal poll amongst my guy friends, and they all say the same thing, is on Instagram, when they search, all that gets shown is pictures of girls in bikinis. And so while Instagram purports... to not want this content on, you know, it's not that they don't want the content, but they don't promote that kind of content.
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And scientists were telling us that it had a not zero chance. of finding its way to Earth or our moon. So in the direct path of Earth or the moon. Now, you're wondering to yourself, if you do the math just a little bit, there should be a zero chance or a hundred percent chance that something should hit the Earth, not a one percent chance.
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As I do. And I found a new PUA for us to talk about. He's giving a one and a half. We're not going to go through all one and a half hour. I mean, we will. I don't know. He's giving a one and a half hour course on how to pick up women as they often do. He's got kind of a new spin on it. He's got a little bit of a different spin. This is a little bit of a different spin.
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It's not far off from what we hear on other pickup artists in the community. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Sticky eyes. You're giving me the sticky eye.
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Okay, let's take a listen to this guy. Oh, Christina, you, uh, there you, I mean, Tina. Tina. Well, your name is, no, it's okay.
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Game. There you go. Just approaching women. It's about building... Old habits die hard.
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No! Old habits die hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to Christina and to Tina. I apologize. I mean, her name is Christina, but we call her Tina.
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A life worthy of attracting those beautiful women. And when you get so good at this game, you won't even have to approach women. You will just become the man. And women will come to you.
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That's how we do it. You ever gotten a new magnet from the dry cleaner or something like that? And you go and you just throw it on your refrigerator and it sticks. It's a game you play. That's what happens when you become the man and you are officially a pussy magnet. That's right. Labia literally stuck on your face.
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You flip the whole game on them. Now you're not the guy running around doing pickup lines. Now you're the guy sitting back controlling things. And women are like, who is that guy? I want to get to know him.
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Who's that guy with the whiteboard and a overly wordy poster next to him?
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I don't know. When you're not working your game, remember, someone somewhere is working on their game. And when your dream girl shows up, he will get her, says Ryan Wamanez, master pick of our master.
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Yeah, Tina was asking, like, what gives them the qualification of master? Well, I think it's the Spider-Man tattoo on his elbow. I think that gives you the master quality.
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That says master all over it. And then you get the women chasing you. Let me say that again. Don't focus on the goal.
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This is the worst PowerPoint presentation in the history of PowerPoint presentations because it's not even PowerPoint. It is literally a poster board. So let me give you a little. Here we are.
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Ryan here is a tatted up guy. Fine. Whatever. Lots of people have tattoos. I like tattoos.
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He does have a tattoo of a kiss on the neck. That says everything you need to know. So Ryan is a tatted up white guy wearing a black T-shirt that says MG Toe. Don't even know what that means. No wife. Happy life. Uh, he's got a whiteboard to the left of him. He's got a white sheet behind him and then to the right of him, not even in the entire frame.
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He's literally got poster boards that are saying, is that poster boards or is that a TV? I can't tell.
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He's got a PowerPoint presentation running. There must be a thousand words on that power, but you, you can't even see it because the whole screen is not even in focus. That's really weird.
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It was like one or two percent, three percent at some point. So I was going to tell you this so that we could all freak out and hide under our beds and make good on the last six years of living here on Earth. But... I just read that it's now a 0% chance that it's going to hit Earth. So that is good news.
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The answer is probably not. That's the second boot camp you get later. For $10,000 more, I'll give you private coaching. I guarantee he's trying to sell private coaching. But I will also say, when I started first doing public presentations as a salesperson, nothing got the crowd going more than putting every word you were going to say on a PowerPoint presentation.
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Reading your PowerPoint presentation is the best way to give a presentation.
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It's so engaging. Focus on getting laid or getting the girl. Like, oh, I just have to get laid today. I have to get the girl. It's not about that. It's about building the skill set.
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All I can see, all I can read is no refunds. Do you see that?
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That is PowerPoint. In bold, yeah. Yeah, in bold. It's about learning the process of how the game works. Let me give you a quick example of what that might look like. Oh. So... Here I am here.
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Oh, great. We're doing some football sketching out on the whiteboard.
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This is your target, right? So I'll say, hey, see that blonde over there? Go talk to her. Go use the absolutely adorable opener. So you walk.
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And you go, hey, real quick, super random, I thought you were absolutely adorable. So now here you are.
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He's the guys, guys and girls who are listening out there. You, the listener. I must describe this to you. He has the whiteboard. He has got a blue marker and a red marker. And he is literally putting X's and O's showing you where you're physically going to be standing and how you're going to walk up to a girl.
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I didn't know that they really sketched it out this in detail. Yeah.
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Ryan something? Ryan. Yeah. I have a feeling we'll know his name before too long.
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Talking to your target. You guys are kind of talking back and forth. And I am basically rovering around. I might be here. I might go here.
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And I'm just kind of scoping the scene, just kind of being like, okay, how is the student's body language looking? Oh, look, he looks pretty good. Like, doesn't have his hands in his pockets. Looks like he's leaned back.
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Like a shark and a baby seal, he's going to be circling around, taking notes, making sure that you're in the proper posture and position to get your dick wet. Okay.
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He looks very cool, calm, and collected. Like, yeah, this set is going really good. Oh.
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With Las Vegas' number one. It's okay. Here it is. This is what it says on the screen. More bad PowerPoint, by the way. I just have to say this. PUA Boot Camp video frequently asked questions. A few things you should know. With Las Vegas' number one dating coach, Ryan Juanzemes? I think so. Okay.
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You heard it here last, the commercial break, keeping you informed about all the comings and goings of the asteroids circling around Earth. Just last night, I read that it is no longer a threat to humanity. That's good news. This was a football field-sized asteroid that would have created a crater a mile wide and a lot of drama for those living in or around that particular asteroid.
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Hey guys, Ryan here. If you're receiving this message, it means you probably just purchased my new PUA bootcamp. So welcome to this quick briefing, PUA bootcamp video FAQ. This quick briefing, it's an hour and a half long. First of all, second of all. They all do that.
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If you're receiving this message, the asteroid has hit Earth. And we must make new babies. So I'm here to teach you it. I'm Las Vegas' number one dating coach. What makes him Las Vegas' number one dating coach? Is there like, do they actually have a ranker? You should know. It's like saying best pizza.
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No sander whatsoever. Sometimes we're Apple's number one improv comedy podcast, and I don't think that makes much difference. I think a lot of people would disagree.
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I made this little briefing video for you guys so that you know everything to expect before we actually meet up real life. Coaching session. Introduction.
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Oh. Oh, my God. What was that? This is all over the place. This is terrible. Juan needs to take his ADHD medication.
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Las Vegas 7 Magazine. What is Las Vegas 7 Magazine? I don't know. It's one of those. You remember when we were named one of Atlanta's best podcasts? Yes. by simply writing out our own article and sending it to them.
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And thank you for purchasing my new boot camp and or coaching and or training and or... One of the best in the game, says Bad Boy Lifestyle. Product, et cetera. And welcome. Why I created this program.
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Train with the master. Oh, he's like the Yoda of Las Vegas dating coaches.
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Let's talk about a few things and or frequently asked questions you should know beforehand. How the boot camp and or training is set up. Typically, all of my live training is...
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Yeah, he's at a mall. This mall seems to be a favorite stomping grounds of a lot of these pickup artists. I can only imagine why. Watching my students win in the field. Learn how to approach hot women. Get coaching from me. DM for more info.
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And our boot camps, etc. Consist of a mix. This is like a bad local television commercial.
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Between in-classroom lectures, theory, question and answer, et cetera, and live, in-field approaching.
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Oh, my God. There's like a guy at the mall, at the Gap, talking to girls that are clearly a little on the young side, don't you think?
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Or drilling and or training, et cetera. Example, my eight-hour diamond package.
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What scientist is doing research on this? None. Oh, a free 15-minute phone consultation. You know what, Chrissy?
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I think we're going to have to call the phone number.
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One to two days of either two times. Is that Ivanka Trump?
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Yeah, it looks like Ivanka Trump to me. Four-hour sessions consisting of four hours lecture and or theory and four hours in-field training. And or theory. And or theory. Or.
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Yeah, whatever you're weak in, he's going to bolster that. So it's either, what, theory or technique?
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That, to me, is some of the scariest type of apocalyptic visions that you could have. Accelerationism and something coming from outer space, whether it be aliens or a rock hitting Earth and then certain destruction for all of us. Think about this. I want everybody to take a deep breath, driving in your car, at work, having sex with your girlfriend because we are the best podcast to have sex to.
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Mm-hmm. I'm eight-hour block or four times two-hour trainings, et cetera. It really just all depends on our schedule, and we discussed all that before.
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That's a long time. Hey, listen, it takes a long time to teach these kinds. Christy, this is a hack that you're going to want to know.
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Heck. However, every student and or client has their own unique and specific goals when it comes to achieving success with women. So every training will be custom tailored to meet the specific and unique goals of each.
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Well, he needs you to get the diamond package, Chrissy. Listen, you're only going to learn so much by going to the in-person boot camp where he'll be swirling around you all afternoon.
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Yeah, listen, you get the diamond package or the mall package? The mall package? Not it. We're not teaching as much technique and theory as we're doing during the diamond package where we go to the outlet malls. That's really where a lot of women go.
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Cheesecake factory. Student and or client. For example, some students' goals may be to just find love or a girlfriend and or wife or the perfect partner, while others may just want to learn how to get laid fast with more women. Some... Get them digits. Students may just be seeking more confidence during social situations or learn how to manage their social anxiety in a public.
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This is some of the worst marketing I have ever seen. This is like horrible. You've been to Vegas, right? Yeah. You've been to Vegas? Okay, you go to Vegas and you'll find that there's a lot of people who are obviously looking for an extra dollar or two. They might be down on their luck. They might not have that much money. They're being paid by some strip club or brothel to hand out these flyers.
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These look like those flyers. That's what it looks like.
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All put together. Yes. While dealing with other people. While other students are already successful with women and are now trying to take their game to the next level. Or may even eventually want to become a coach themselves. Who this program is for? Generally students who have already either previously gotten Skype and or Zoom video coaching and who have done at least a one-hour assessment.
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This is crazy. Okay, so let's read a little bit of this because now we're just reading a PowerPoint presentation. I didn't realize we were going to go down this PowerPoint road, but okay, we'll roll with it. How the boot camp training is set up.
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Typically, all of my live trainings, boot camps, et cetera, he uses a lot of et ceteras, consist of a mix between in-classroom lectures, theory, Q&A, et cetera, and live, in-field, approaching, drilling, training, et cetera.
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Example, my eight-hour diamond package consists of one to two days of either two times four-hour sessions consisting of four hours lecture or theory and four hours of infield training or one-on-one by eight coaching, a block of two-by-two-four coaching, etc. However, every student or client must get their own unique and specific goals when it comes to achieving success.
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He just literally read that entire PowerPoint slide and then he put it on there word for word. Yeah, he did. Ryan, I don't know about your pickup artist skills, but I know some people who can help you with your presentation skills.
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This is terrible, bro. With me or who have already been through my bronze and gold trainings or one of my other live trainings and or seminars. But this is definitely not mandatory. So let's talk about the purpose of boot camp. What is the purpose of taking a PUA boot camp? Approaching women is a skill set which can be developed via practice and repetition.
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Learning how to pick up women is no different than learning any other skill set.
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Okay, I think what we've learned about Ryan is that he is the world's worst PowerPoint presentation skills. When I saw some of this video, I thought this was really promising. But now what I'm learning is that Ryan is just reading slide by slide thousands of words that he has typed out, and he's putting those on the video. Yeah. so that you can read along with him.
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Ryan, if your PUA skills are anything like your meeting skills, do not buy this class. Do not buy it. You're going to be stuck in a hot hotel room, probably a Holiday Inn somewhere off the strip, listening to Ryan read his own bullshit with a lot of et ceteras, spelling mistakes, punctuations. This guy writes... copy like I write text messages. Do you know what I'm saying?
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This is the problem with society today is that we're just not teaching these kids how to write. This guy needs some grammar lessons before he's going to get some POA lessons. But hey, listen, don't If you don't believe the PowerPoint slide, believe Ryan when he says you can have dating coach technique, theory, get married, get laid, etc., etc., etc., etc.
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And to sleep to. Probably more to sleep to. But okay, if you're having sex then. I want everyone to take a deep breath and then I want you to think about this for a second. For months and months and months, we look up in the night sky, maybe even the day sky, and we see a growing object. getting bigger than our moon as every day goes by fiery ball from hell coming toward us.
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All right, we're going to take a break, and then we'll find some actual content here, and we'll get back to it, etc., etc., etc.
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All right. And we're back. Now we've managed to scroll our way through something interesting here with Ryan. Yeah. I mean, listen. I was just telling Chrissy, I think that there was one time when Rafa and I owned the internet marketing company. And there was a guy who came in to pitch us on something. I forgot what it was. He came in to pitch us on something.
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And he sat down and he put up a PowerPoint presentation with thousands of words on it. And they were all bullet pointed. And he started reading line by line through it. And about two pages in, Raphael and I were like, sorry, this is not for us. Leave that with us. Just leave that with us. If you came here to read it, we can do that on our own and we won't. And we will not do that.
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Number one top dating and success coach and have taught thousands of men just like you from all over the world how to become more successful.
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Yeah, dude. I mean, listen, this makes me this makes me pine for John Anthony lifestyle because at least his videos are interesting.
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At least you can watch his videos with their interactions with women. Think of me just like a football coach and you're like a player on the team. I give you. Let's go get that pussy.
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The plays on how to approach and meet women. I tell you exactly what to do and say.
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Oh, my God. There's a video playing in the background, a background video where there's guys at the mall that are leaning over. They're downstairs. This guy is on a balcony, like, you know, on the upstairs, looking down into this courtyard area, and he is talking in a microphone, and these guys have earpieces in.
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Are you not automatically suspicious of a guy who starts coming up to you with an earphone, with an earpiece in? Yes, yes. Like, what are you, Secret Service?
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Who am I talking to? I instruct you how to stand, how to move, how to dress, how to act, and what to do through each and... I will instruct you on how to be exactly who you are not.
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Let's reenact this. Are you ready? You'll be the target. I'll be Dave. Are there Starbucks around here? Are there Starbuckses around here? Yeah?
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Yeah. Okay. Hey, thanks. Are you from around here? Yeah. Eject button. Ejaculate button.
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And we have no choice, but to suffer the consequences of certain doom, like a black cold night for many, many months until we die of starvation. That to me is the scariest kind of apocalyptic vision because we will see it coming and we will see it coming for a long time. And we will have not, there will be nothing that we can do. Hmm. unless Bruce Willis can get back on the horse and ride again.
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Yeah. And by the way, he's talking to a girl who's running a kiosk. Are there Starbucks's around here? I don't think Starbucks's is a word. Are there Starbucks's around here?
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To the process. Then you simply follow the directions, memorize the process for yourself. And next thing you know, a beautiful woman is now giving you her phone number and agreeing to meet up with you for a date.
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We are watching in what they call in the field footage. Yeah. While Ryan is incessantly babbling on about his PowerPoint, he is showing in the background live footage of his clients at the mall in the food court. YouTube.com slash the commercial break. You got to go watch this. He's showing footage of his clients in a mall hitting on the girls running the kiosk stand. Some lady having lunch.
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You know, girls at a jean store. Meanwhile, his client.
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is balding wearing glass his client is me basically his client looks like me and uh he's talking to a girl who's probably no older than 21 years old he's probably in his 40s i would imagine and there is zero chance that this guy is going to walk away with any of these girls phone numbers they're entirely too young and pretty not the real ones yeah not the real ones
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That's true. After our training, once you have memorized the process, you will then be able to go out on your own and, quote, rinse and repeat. Again, it's just like me being a master chef and or cook and or baker, et cetera. Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
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Et cetera. Like an apprentice. And I am teaching you how to bake a chocolate cake, for example. I tell you what ingredients you need.
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Yeah. Because that's her job. Her job is to talk to you. Anybody in a service environment, if I'm a pickup artist, and I'm not, this has been well noted, history will go down and I will not have pickup artist on my grave. Whatever the opposite of pickup artist is, a dump artist. That's what I am. I'm a dump artist.
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Whatever that is, whatever that means, pickup artist, if I am one of those, the first thing I am telling my clients is, is that customer service related interactions are not considered interactions that are valuable because they are paid to interact with you. Like the strip club. Like the strip club. You don't go to a strip club to pick up a girl. The most expensive thing in a strip club is what?
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I hope she comes home with me and I will pay endless amounts of money to see that that happens. That's it. The entire universe of strip clubs runs on hope.
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There's milk, oil, eggs, chocolate, etc. And... Etc, etc, etc. Proportions to use and how to mix them together properly. How to grease the pans, how to set the oven to the right temperature, how to ice the cake, and how to serve and present the cake when it's done. It's all...
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No doubt about it. Or ETC. It's the same exact thing with picking up women. It's just a process.
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Oh, my God. So he's done more in the field footage where he is pushing a guy, literally physically throwing him. And now go and talk to this girl.
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Do you know what I'm saying? That's the only way. And scientists have done that too. NASA has done this. They have... Effective. Yes, they have moved an asteroid off its course. But that asteroid was like many, many, many, many, many thousands of miles away. And they were saying that if this particular asteroid, YR24, I-K-N-Y-K-D-Y-N-O-24 –
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Once you learn the process, you will be able to go out and pick up women. Oh, my God. Where in any time you want. You might also use the metaphor of learning how to build a house.
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Now we just have random footage. Now he's showing you phone numbers. Nobu. He's got Nobu in his phone. First of all, that's an iPhone 3.
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With all the raw materials, that is, the lumber, the cement, the screws, the nails, etc.
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But you don't have the blueprint for the house or any of the necessary tools. That is, hammer, screwdriver, screw gun, socket wrenches, etc.
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doing love that metaphor about the house most likely you already have everything that you need to attract women you're enough most likely as it is however that's the most honest thing you've said the entire time there you go yes you do might just not have the know-how or the specific technical specifications of how to actually approach
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It isn't in a fucking Ikea chair you got to build. It's going out there and being social. It's not really all that complicated. And I do understand that there are many people on this earth who have social anxiety and they find that they would rather cut themselves with small pieces of paper than go and put themselves in a social situation that's unfamiliar to them. That is the challenge.
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I don't think I can help you get over that. You just have to find something in you that overcomes that kind of anxiety. But there are no technical specifications to attraction. It's either happening or it's not happening. And she's either right for you or she's not or he's right for you or whatever. You can't manufacture this automatically.
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by rinsing and repeating terrible pickup lines and putting yourself in front of women and giving them the hand and telling them to stop and talking to kiosk girls at the mall. I mean, come on. What's at Starbucks is not even a word, etc.
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what to do, how to get her phone number. And all that really is just a step-by-step process. Like I said, you already have the lumber, you already have the cement, but I'm the guy who has the blueprint and the tools that you need in order to... I've got a blueprint.
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Check it out. Build that house. Or just like with this cooking and chef metaphor, same thing. I'm like the master chef and you're the apprentice cook. So I'm going to teach you how... This sounds like the plot to Ratatouille. Bake that chocolate cake. Hey, you need a quarter cup of oil, you need a half cup of milk, and you need three eggs, and you need blank, blank, and blank.
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Now, if you only have, you know, you don't have any oil, and you only have a little bit of milk, and you only have two eggs.
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This is an extraordinarily specific metaphor, and I don't think metaphors are supposed to be specific. I think that's why we call them metaphors.
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Etc. And you try to make that same cake. Well, it's just not going to work for you, right?
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Because you don't have the... I now have a... I am officially unconvinced this is Las Vegas's number one pickup artist.
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Proper ingredients to make the chocolate cake. But that's why I'm there to instruct you exactly how to do it. So in terms of meeting and approaching women, when we go out together, essentially what I'm doing is I'm going to teach you step by step Go up to her and you're going to say this. You're going to stand like this. You're going to project your voice loud, confident, dominant like this.
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I'm out there being a cheerleader for you. OK, I'm not saying, oh, just go be confident. Just go talk to her and make it happen. I'm out there giving you the specific technical details.
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I'm shoving you. First things first. I want you to pick up your right leg, bend at the knee, push it forward, foot down. Second step, pick up your left leg, bend at the knee, push it forward, step down. Now, see that girl over there? Stop. Not the right posture. Hold on one second. Change your clothes. Change your voice. Change your thoughts. Change your mind.
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If that asteroid was on its way to Earth, then we did not have time to do anything about it. The time had already passed. So we were fucked. Yeah, six years apparently is not enough time to get that asteroid diversion machine up there. And we would really have to do something like drastic, go put a nuclear bomb on it and hope that that diverts it, explodes it, whatever it is.
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Let's put in contacts that aren't your eye color. We need a wig. You need to bodybuild. I'm going to get you plastic surgery. And now you're perfect. You're perfect just the way you are now, now that I've changed everything about you. I'm telling you exactly what to do. I am the chef. Let me give you a metaphor, Chrissy. I am the chef. I work at a cheesecake factory. I come into work at 4.30.
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I clock in. I put on my chef's apron. I wash my hands. I walk over to the pot. I put water in it. I boil it. I get four eggs. I crack those eggs. I put them in the pot. I get a cup of flour, etc., etc., etc. But wait, I haven't finished with my metaphor.
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No, no, no. You skip steps. You don't win. You're not going to get laid like that, Chrissy. You're not going to get laid like that. You think Jeff's just going to screw you because you're a hot chick? No, it doesn't work like that. You need to listen to my chef metaphor. This is why you paid $497 for the diamond package. Diamond package. This, this, this, and this.
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And you get the girl. On my boot camps and or trainings, you'll learn the secrets of attraction. What makes it and or?
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Yeah, what makes it and or? Why are we and or-ing? I don't know. I don't know. I guess it just depends on who you are and how badly you want to read through a PowerPoint presentation.
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psychology and how to confidently and strategically approach women and groups of women and start conversations you will learn how to approach and captivate your audience spark deep emotional connections and wow what is this b-roll footage where does he find this this is him where at qvc that's not him is it
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That's him. That's obviously him many years ago because he no longer has any hair or all that weight on him. But, you know, that's him.
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Yeah, this looks like a PBS studio, you know, like a local GPTV studio where he's giving the guys a pop quiz. If I could only read those questions. Those guys must kick themselves in the fucking balls when they realize they have to go sit in a chair for hours at a time and listen to this guy read through a PowerPoint presentation.
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this guy is a tchotchke oh my god it's bad i really want a 15 minute consultation instead of just sitting around all day thinking and or daydreaming about approaching women and getting a girlfriend and or getting laid etc this will actually get you out into a real life social situation with real women and learn from a master of the game that is the dating game well you know what after this i feel like i have to get out into a real life social situation i
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And so this, for at least a week, was scaring the shit out of me. I was having nightmare visions in my bed. Like, wow, my kids aren't that old. And we're all going to have to watch as the sky gets dark and we just wait for D-Day to come along.
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I think this is the worst pickup artist ever. Oh, that was bad. That's terrible. Yeah. Wow. Not only was it bad advice, it's just the delivery is terrible. Oh, my God. The delivery is all over the place. It makes no sense. And I got to be real honest, I'm not sure that this would work because I'm not sure I could get through it.
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Okay, maybe tomorrow we need a palate cleanser. Going back to Zahn. At least Zahn was making it up whole cloth as he went along. At least Zahn just made up the bullshit. This guy's reading it. It's unbelievable how terrible that is. Really bad.
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Okay, well, Chrissy and I are going to go read the 42-page PowerPoint presentation and we'll give you the cliff notes if there is such a thing, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And then we'll fill you in tomorrow. I do need a palate cleanser. I feel like I need something to wash this out of my brain. That was bad. It's terrible. All right. So bad. All right. 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB.
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Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We take them all at that phone number. Or you can leave us a voicemail. If you want to be on the show, we might use that voicemail in a future episode. You never do know. So roll the dice, gamble, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. That's my metaphor. Also, I lost my train of thought because I'm trying to read the words on the boot camp.
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Also, YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. We would love it if you would... The Commercial Break. I know. We would love it if you would come, check out the new studio, watch us on YouTube. We would love it. And you can subscribe to that channel if you're so kind. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and... TCBpodcast.com.
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That's your home for all things commercial break. More information about Chrissy and I, all the audio, all the video, right there from one location. Plus, you can get your free TCB swag by going to the Contact Us button, drop down menu, I want my free sticker. Give us your physical address and we will be happy to send that to you post-haste, etc., etc., etc.
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I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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I was ready to go to the red light district, spend the rest of my money, buy Bitcoin.
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Yeah, no shit. What do you do? There's six years left. What do you do?
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Well, first of all, The earth is full of people that aren't well, and so if we really have six years left, I know that it's going to be a total shit show. It would be nuts. If someone came on the radio today or the tele-radio who listens to my day, or if someone came on the day we've been talking about this, oh, we got there.
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Anyway, I don't want to knock radio because, you know, we work for a radio network.
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It's already knocked. Yeah, it's it's it's struggling as we don't need to kick it. We don't need to kick it while it's down. So but if someone came on the television today and they said, you know, president or whoever, and he said, Bitcoin, Asteroid.
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If Trump came on today and said, unfortunately, we have figured out through mathematical calculations that I clearly did not do, that asteroid is headed straight for Pittsburgh and we're all fucked.
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Right. It wouldn't take 24 hours. before everybody was going loony fucking tune around the world. So for that reason alone, I am sus about this particular article that says it's no longer a threat because I think that people in charge may know better than to actually say that out loud. Yeah, like Paradise, they're secretly pulling people into a bunker.
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Neil won't come on the show. I've asked him a couple of times.
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He said, I'll think about it next time I'm out there doing podcasts. And that was two years ago.
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This is a safe place for you, bro. I'd love to hear anything you have to say. You would improve the intelligence of this show by a thousand just by logging on. Exactly. That's it. That's all you need to do. But you have to think about that.
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When there is someone saying there is a 1% to 3% chance that an asteroid is going to hit the Earth in 2032, and then days later they say, oh, no, just kidding, it's 0%.
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Now, I agree. It is either 0% or 100%. You do the calculations. How is it 1%? Is it going to, like, you know, in space things fly pretty straight unless they hit something else or gravity pulls them away, right? So you would know. Like, it's an orbit. You would know. However, it's pretty predictable. However.
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If someone says there is a chance and then all of a sudden says there isn't a chance, is that just scientists or NASA saying we really can't let this cat out of the bag? Society has got to function for the next six years. Because if there is an asteroid heading toward Earth and it's certain doom and gloom, people are going to go crazy. They're going to go crazy. Laws be damned.
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Laws are already be damned. I mean, we're already living in a lawless country in a lot of ways.
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Yeah, that's not planets. That's Elon Musk's space drones up there.
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And then you can see the constellations and see what you're looking at. Exactly. Yeah, it's pretty cool because when I was a kid, I was always fascinated by it in the book. But then in real life, I could never quite figure out where Orion's Belt was. It wasn't clear to me exactly what was Orion's Belt. And my kids are now getting fascinated by this. So I got the app so that we could look and see.
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They're still confused about what's going on. I'm still confused about what's going on.
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Yeah, you can see those satellites flying across the sky. That's my point. That's my point. Okay, I get it. You're out yachting and, you know, you need safe harbor or whatever. Fuck you. So what do you do if there's six years left?
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Yeah. Well, tell me, what do we do? What do we get to? What do we get up to if there's six years left?
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You do, and we don't have any. Yeah. Well, first thing, I sell all the equipment in the house. I sell all the equipment, and I desperately try and get a real job for six years so that I have some money to feed myself and my children. I don't know.
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And then take off the last year. Just really hit it hard. Probably take the kids down to Disney a couple times.
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I could think of worse places to die than Margaritaville. Do you know what I'm saying? I could not think of worse places to die than Great Wolf Lodge. That's a given. I mean, who wants to die at the Great Wolf Lodge? I know there are people that do, but it's not me. I am not that. There is someone out there who says that's my perfect.
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You know, when I was a teenager and I was doing a lot of experimenting with hallucinogens, you know, that can really fuck with your brain. And so I would oftentimes think about apocalypse for whatever reason. What would I do in those circumstances? And then I would talk about that amongst friends. You know, we're all fucked up at night. Where would And all of us always said Disney World.
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Just head down to Disney World, spend a couple of weeks, and then just let the warm water of death wash over you, right? Because it's a cool place. It's happy. You got roller coasters, you know, Mickey Head pretzels and those ice creams you can only buy down there. That pineapple Dole Whip. That Dole Whip. I want a Dole Whip before I die.
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So that seems like a cool place, but a beach seems like a great place. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you're going to be in the shadow of an asteroid and fiery ball from hell coming at you, you know, be on the beach. Party in the woods except on the beach. Party in the woods except on the beach. Everybody's naked. Bonfires everywhere.
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Driving you fucking bananas. You can't sleep because of all the bongo playing. Lots of ayahuasca. I mean, you got to have DMT if that, you know.
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But I think I'd probably... I think I'd probably pass on the hallucinogens if I actually knew that the end was near.
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Yeah, that's going to just fuck with it. It's already going to fuck with my head. But then it's going to fuck with my head even more if I'm all fucked up. So, yeah, I'm cashing out everything and I'm just living high on the hog. But then you wonder, like, okay, isn't everybody else also going to do that? And then what about the people who make these places so special?
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His client is me, basically. His client looks like me. And he's talking to a girl who's probably no older than 21 years old. He's probably in his 40s, I would imagine. And there is zero chance that this guy is going to walk away with any of these girls' phone numbers. They're entirely too young and pretty.
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The people who work at Disney or the resorts or your favorite beach that are bringing you those fruity cocktails with umbrellas? If they know in mere moments our money is going to be no good, why am I working? Why is everybody else doing this and I'm working for these people? I don't know that I'm going to – you know. So it's a tricky proposition. It really is.
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If you knew the day you were going to die, if you could know that day, would you want to know that day?
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That's a really fascinating question with so many twists and turns.
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If you knew the day you were going to die, you could say your goodbyes. You could make sure that everything was buttoned up. You could make sure your family was taken care of. Those last things you wanted to do were, you know, you had done. You could plan your party. You could plan your own funeral. I've already planned my own funeral. If I die tomorrow... Don't make a stink. Have a fucking party.
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Just have a party. That's all I'm asking. Don't make a stink.
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Have a party. I doubt many tears are going to be shed, but, you know, if anybody starts to cry, tell them.
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Oh, Teresa Caputo's got to be there because she's got to figure out our secret word that we can't remember.
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It was Henry Fonda. We need to update that. Now we need to update it.
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Please update your password. Yeah, I think that's a complicated question with so many different – like there are – There are causes and effects to knowing the day that you're going to die. And one of them is like if someone said, hey, Brian, you're going to die next month.
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I would be freaking out. Absolutely freaking out. But then I would do my best to get everything done that I needed to get done, make sure that my family was OK and everything was going to be fine, say my goodbyes. But I'd also be incredibly sad. Right. I think about all the things that I'm going to miss. If someone says you're going to die at 89 years old.
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Well, then I just, you know, make sure I live the best life that I can until such day. The problem is, if you could know the day that you die, you can't control the day that you die. So if I can't change it, then what am I going to do? I might as well just not know. That way, I go blissfully unaware into the night, as I always do. Going to sleep. My blood pressure 200 over 70,000.
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Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera!
Just hoping that my ticker is still kicking in. Yeah, that's all you can do.
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Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera!
Yeah. I mean, your life becomes a trope at that point. You just got to do what you got to do. It is what it is.
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Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera!
That's true. After our training, once you have memorized the process, you will then be able to go out on your own and, quote, rinse and repeat. Again, it's just like me being a master chef and or cook and or baker, etc. And you, etc., etc., etc., etc., etc.
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Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera!
The heart wants with the heart wants. And the heart wants to live a couple more days.
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Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera!
Yeah, they say bargaining is part of grieving. I'd probably bargain. Like, please, just give me like, you know, if someone said you're going to die next month, I'd be like, give me another month. Like, can I have another month? I'll be really good. I promise. Yeah. I'll put it together. I'll stop doing the commercial break. I promise I will. No more commercial break. Make amends. Yes.
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Et cetera, Et cetera, Et cetera!
So part of me thinks that, I mean, listen, I am not like the most skeptical media person. Watcher in the world. I don't think that everything is a lie or a conspiracy or whatever. I think that stories are manipulated. I think that PR people do their job.
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So you said this about Ariana Grande, but that's actually not true. Yeah. OK, right. If I opened my mouth, it's probably not true. So let's let's just get let's get that point across.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Oh, we tried that. It didn't work. That didn't work very well. We tried a fact checker. They checked too many facts. They were too aggressively checking my facts. I didn't care for that. So, yeah, so the cat's out of the bag at the Starbucks. And what are you going to do? And it's spring equinox, so we're all just muddling through. I guess that's what happens. And then I read...
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There are some things, believe it or not, that I agree with with this current administration. And one of the things that at least was like tweeted about or tweeted or twatted or truth or whatever the fuck is going on. I don't know. Is that let's get rid of this time clock changing thing. And I couldn't be more in agreement with that sentiment. However, that is until I learned.
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That our good friend Donald Trump doesn't want us to have more sunlight. He wants us to have less sunlight. He thinks the clock should stay backwards and not forward. Which is the original time. Which is the original time. Yeah.
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Don't you want to be at the lake at 7.30, 8 o'clock at night with an extra hour of sunlight left or at the ocean or whatever it is you do, wherever it is you do. I spent time in Costa Rica, close to the equator, in case you're checking a map geographically. It's a little closer than I am right now. I spent time in Costa Rica, and it's 12 on, 12 off, no matter the time of year. Almost.
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Darlene will be back at the top of the hour to share some more wisdom. We'll be back after this commercial break.
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There's little changes. But it's much closer to even Stevens, if you know what I mean. I like that. 12 on, 12 off. You think you like it, but the sun comes up at like 5.30 and 6 in the morning, and then it goes down at 5.36 at night. I don't like that. I don't want the sun to go down at 5.36 at night. No, I agree.
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Besides putting my kids to bed, there is no downside, in my opinion, to having it be light out at 8 o'clock at night. And I know that then it stays a little darker, a little longer, and it's dangerous for the kids and the bus. I don't care about the kids with the bus. No. I want to have an ice cream in an outdoor mall when it's light outside.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Sane people agree with that. But insane people want to give us less sunlight. They want to give us more sunlight at three in the morning when no one's fucking awake. And then everyone has to wake up earlier because the fucking chickens and all that bullshit. And then we don't get that sunlight at the end of the day. Can't you give us a fucking break?
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I get it. But listen, going to work in school is never going to be less miserable. Do you know what I'm saying? It's not going to be less miserable because the sun is out. That's not going to happen. You might be a few degrees warmer on those rare circumstances where, you know, the sun comes up and warms it up enough for you to feel it. But let's admit it.
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It's not like the sun pops up and all of a sudden it's 72 degrees in the middle of January. It's not how it works. First of all, second of all, you're never going to like going to work or school. Never going to happen. So it doesn't matter. Let's at least – this is what I'm trying to say to you, all you people who might agree with the clocks backwards –
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If we're going to have extra sunlight, let it be during the times when we're not supposed to be at work.
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That's right. When I was working 9 to 5, which was for about a year of my life. When I was working 9 to 5, there was nothing, nothing in the world that I loved more than to hit the whistle.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
The five o'clock whistle, hit it, quit it and go find a patio and sit there for a couple of hours with the sun shining on my face and drinking myself into oblivion because that's what Americans do because we're all fucking miserable. Okay, got it. So let's all get on the same page about this one. And I understand that Mr. Trump is easily persuadable in certain situations.
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On this episode of The Commercial Break...
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And I think we should all twat at him or X to him. I don't even know what we do anymore. Truth him, truthy, social or whatever it is. Is that even still a thing, true social?
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Yeah, that's where he takes all the money under the table. Let us all agree and hit him up and let him know that the way we actually want it is things to go forward, not backward, because it just doesn't make any sense. It makes no logical sense why you would want less sunlight at the end of the day when you're not working or at school. Let the kids have an extra hour of sunlight to play around.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
What? This sounds really complicated for a mythological dum-dum creature. Like, for a walking ape? Really?
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Let me have an extra hour of sunlight because that's just what I like. I don't even have working hours. We don't even have working hours here. But if we did, we'd want extra sunlight. And then the regular, you know, everybody else who works 9 to 5 or whatever it is, let them have an extra hour of sunlight too. And let us not forget about the people who work the overnight shifts.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
You know, if we're worried about the kids going to school... Without sunshine, standing out in the bus, waiting for the bus without sunshine. What about the dancers, the strippers that have to go to work at 8 o'clock at night? Are we not concerned about their safety also? That's right. We don't want them going to work in the dark. See, Brian's always thinking here.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
That's right. The short order cooks at Waffle House, the police officers, everyone who works that overnight shift starts at 8 o'clock at night. And we don't want them to be unsafe either. So, you know, what's good for the goose? It's good for the gander. That's right. We learned about that here at the School of Hard Knocks in the commercial book. It's Friday. I'm feeling a little squirrely.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
So I've decided to do something fantastic for the audience here. And this may be a two-parter we'll have to see. I pulled down the five scariest mountain monsters chases in mountain monster history. It's a compilation video. I wish I could tell you to go watch it on YouTube, but it's 95% likely it's going to get banned by Travel Channel or Discovery H plus minus max or whoever owns it.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
But we'll do our best. We'll do our best to get it up there. So why don't we do this? I know it's a little bit of a short segment. Let's take a break. And when we get back, we're going to get right into it with some of our favorite guys. Huck, Buck, Chuck, everybody. Huck, Buck, Chuck, Huckleberry No. 4 or 5 or whatever they're on. Let's take a break.
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When we get back, we'll do some mountain monsters for you. What do you think?
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Okay, man, has it been a long time since we've done a Mountain Monsters.
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I don't know, months at least. We probably haven't done any in 2020. Maybe we did one for the 12 days of TCB.
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I think so. And we'll probably do one for the 12 hours of TCB. Stay tuned. Okay, all right. So I'm just going to drop little hints here and there, but I think this one is coming together. I think this one we're definitely doing. Well, we have to now because we have people that are obligated to... We're obligated to have other obligations to have people do it. But anyway, 12 hours of TCB.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Chew on that one, and we'll give you more details in April. But mountain monsters. Some of our favorite... This is one of my favorite comedy shows of all time, if I'm being real honest. The Mountain Monsters are a hilarious group of redneckersons that are out there chasing all kinds of monsters. From the Whisperwolves to the Pawpaw Poppers. Yes, Skinny John Popper.
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They're chasing these mythological creatures through West Kentucky, it seems like. And they made a compilation of the top five mountain monster chases or hunts, quote unquote. Hunts. Hunts. I love it.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Bigfoot. Yeah. Bigfoot. Bigfoot. We've been here for four hours and we haven't recorded a fucking thing. My mouth's not working anymore. I mean, honestly, we've been here diddling around. I know. Oh, some days it all comes together and some days it doesn't. It's that sun over the equator. It's making my brain fry. It's the thought of having less sunlight that's driving me crazy. It really is.
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Yeah, it's now anything and everything and all kinds of made up shit and, you know, cow killing bastards and everything. But Huck, Chuck, Fuck, and Ron are back at it. The guy who yells too much.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Bill, yeah. Yeah, it's Bill. It's Billy. Bill, yeah. Bill.
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Oh, he does. Their level of excitement on the cutaways gets very intense. Okay, here we are. Let's count down the top five. And we'll get started now. As soon as I press play.
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What we're seeing right now is a drone shot of a tree falling, and these guys are getting very excited because does a tree make a noise when it falls in the forest? I guess we're about to find out.
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The next episode of the commercial break starts now.
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And my teeth are falling out. Look at those teeth. Oh, that is a picture of dental health. I'm going to I'm I'm purposefully pressing pause here so I can show my children later.
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This is what happens. That's right. I got they're so scared. They're so scared about the same thing with my nephew. Oh, you got to do it. You got to tell them all the bad things that will happen. And you know what? They're mostly true. So at least you're not lying to them.
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He did. He said Bigfoot is celibate. He fucked that tree down.
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I want a cool name like Cowboy Ken. You call me Billabong Brian or something?
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Can you call me Backstreet Brian? Yeah, that's my new nickname, Backstreet Brian. Again, Huckleberry looks like a totally different human being. I swear to God they've had multiple Huckleberries. And why are they all wearing winter hats? It doesn't seem very cold outside.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe.
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It's like he's waiting for it to lift him off the ground.
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You know, whenever there's impending doom and danger and claws and teeth and bloody marks and lots of things on fire and blood splashing out of it, these guys will run right into it. They're the bravest guys I know.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Look here, look here, look here. What do you got? What do you got, Buck?
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I guarantee that was pulled down with a thing. You can see the trail right behind it. Clearly there's been like a four-wheeler behind it. Gone. Gone. Son of a bitch. I've never seen so many quick shots of a fallen tree trying to make it look scary. I know.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Look at this. Look at this. My gosh. Look at this. Look at this. Look at this.
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Why would they make a show like this? I fail to know the reasoning behind any of it. But it's highly entertaining. It is. I don't know, but look at this. We're all entertained by a falling tree. And ripped to pieces.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
That's that damn tree that Bigfoot ripped down. We know, Bill. We see it also. But thanks for pointing out the obvious.
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Yeah, it does look pretty sickly. I bet it didn't take a lot of force to just pull it down.
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The vernal. The venereal equinox, as I like to call it. It's when my syphilis flares up every year around this time. Large robot. I got a large robot penis. Oh, yes. The spring equinox when the technically when the sun rays are directly over the equator and then it moves to the then it moves to start shining on the northern hemisphere just a little bit more than it has before.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
You think he got mad because I had an erection? You think? Because he had a drone in there. Yeah, Bigfoot was upset.
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That's a good deal. You think he was upset I hadn't washed my jeans in two years? You think?
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What's IR? I don't know, but it sounds like we're watching NASA, like a SpaceX launch now. Kill the lights, go to AR. Capcom, go. Kill the lights and go to AR. Roger, Cap.
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So wait, let me get this straight. They kill the lights on the camera, but every single one of them is illuminated with a headlamp. Okay, gotcha.
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You ever seen a porn movie where the male in the movie smacks his erect penis on a vagina of a young, lovely woman? Well, that's called a tree knock. And what we do here is we run around whacking our necks against trees, hoping that Bigfoot does the same in response. It's his calling card.
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I'll be back here. It's snack time. I'm contractually obligated to have three snacks a half hour. All right.
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Man, that's a tree. I know, it's just a tree. It's an oak tree. Oh, my God. Geez. We're really desperate for some kind of attention here.
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It's a honey locust. Oh, interesting. You learn something new every day on Mountain Monsters.
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That's why it's 31 degrees in Atlanta. Welcome to spring.
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This looks like a tree yoni having her moon cycle.
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I'm telling you guys, I saw this on Instagram. It's called a devil tree. We're supposed to sacrifice to it by, I don't know, doing a little dancing and two stretches and a downward dog. We better get on our paws, boys.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Oh, hell yes. You hadn't noticed that you were walking on a side-by-side trail before.
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The first thing on her list? Invest heavily in meme coin. She explains that meme coin is a low-risk, almost guaranteed return. Her second piece of advice? Pick up a second career. She explains that those signs on telephone poles where you can make $5,000 to $7,000 a week working from home are often true, and most people just drive by them.
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It's just come upon you that there's a side-by-side trail. Yeah.
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Okay, we've all been using cell phones for about 20 years now. And I guess whatever Raccoon Jim or whatever his name is has the inability to hold a phone straight so he can get an actual picture of something. Bigfoot nest, it's just like a bunch of weeds. Too far what? Let's start beating this trail. You ready?
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That's all we talk about is how miserable we are about the weather. It's too hot. It's too cold. The pollen's out. The sun is out. I don't know. But one of my kids was very excited about the spring equinox. He was like, it's the first day of spring, Dad. And I was like, yeah. I'm still wiping your ass. What's going on there? Maybe this is the first day of not wiping your ass. How's that?
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Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen, listen. I got my gun out.
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I think that's like the rule number one of gun safety is you don't use your gun as a pointer. Sounds like something's moaning or crying or something over there.
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Go easy. Has Bill ever gone easy on anything?
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No. No, meanwhile, these guys are having a stroll. You're not really having one notice too many side-by-side trails down here in Tiger Valley. You know, in 1947, Tiger Riley got his name because he found an actual tiger? No, I didn't know that, Buck. Meanwhile, these other three are pointing guns at each other.
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And again, there is nothing smarter, in my opinion, when it comes to safety and security than sending one team one way and one team the other way to circle back around when everybody's got guns. That's right. Take out the thermals. It's 42 degrees, max.
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Hmm. Something seems awful suspicious in Tiger Valley on this side-by-side trail. Pine limbs. I wonder where they come from. Probably the pine tree, Buck.
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Pine leaves and huckle fin and what was that? Huckle honeysuckle or whatever it was. Huckle honeysuckle. That's one creepy honey huckle suckle.
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Let me ask you a question. If they're in search of this supposed Bigfoot nest, why didn't the guy who found the Bigfoot nest just tell them where it is? Why didn't they just let him know? Why are they running around like this? Come on, Bongo, Brian. Yeah, come on, Captain Kim or whatever your name is. Cowboy Captain Kim. Guys, look at this.
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It's a ball of twine. What you guys can't see is that they're just, you're not missing anything. Like visually, you're not missing anything. They're just walking around the woods, picking up sticks and making, you know, illogical conclusions about it.
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But they just turned literally to the right and two feet in front of them is this big ball of sticks and twigs and pine and honeysuckle puckle and all this.
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Of course, Chrissy, it makes more sense when you can use the thermals. Number one. Number two. You turn on the IR. Number two. I'm pretty sure you would have seen that regardless of what day or time of night it is. The thing is huge. Yeah, it's big. Good crafting on behalf of the staff there, by the way. Wow, they have a lot of shots of it. You know what I'm saying?
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Because the older you get. The more manly your shit gets, the more I get disgusted. The other day I had to call Astrid. I was like, Astrid, I need your help on this one. I cannot deal with the smell. It is a man smell. Yes. Meanwhile, all 13 children are still visiting me in the morning in the tiny little cabinet that I have. Water closet or whatever you call it. They all come in. They file in.
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They seem like they've taken a lot of B-roll of this particular thing. Oh, and there's lights. Oh.
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There's a little door. That's right. Bigfoot, while he may not, you know, he might be the kind of creature that tears down trees and tree limbs and all that, he has excellent landscape and hardscape taste. He's got great lighting outside. I want that kind of lighting outside in our landscape, actually. Astro won't let me pay for it.
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I have also never seen tree lighting in the middle of the forest. But hey, what am I? Who am I? they have lights all around it they're not even pretending to hide them there's just lights like they have spooky uh atmospheric clearly set up professional lighting casting a ride at disney world that is a massive bigfoot mess
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Well, that was it. Yeah, they're not going to show you the end. Like, all these videos. And obviously, I don't have the rights to watch, though. I don't have any of the rights to do any of this. I'm just... This is under fair use. I'm making commentary on it. But on... They don't show the conclusion of any of these. Not most of them. What they really show is like the teaser.
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And then they want you to go watch the episode. But this is the five best hunts or the scariest hunts. So we're going to do number four in the next segment. I'm going to take a short break. We'll do number four in the next segment. And then if we need to, I guess we can just roll into. Why not? The guys and the kids love it out there. It's the only thing that they love, apparently, is the Bigfoot.
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But that's okay. I'll give you what you want. All right, let's take a break. We'll be back.
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All right, we're back with the boys from Mountain Monsters. We're checking out their five scariest hunts for various different monsters. We just saw them come across a Bigfoot nest that was well lit and actually looks kind of cozy.
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Or a fire fest or something, you know, like a glamping, like a glamping location. Do you know what I'm saying? All right, let's get back to it with number four. Here we go.
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Bigfoot. That's right. Just a little way more fangier. Lots more fangs.
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Well, that explains a lot. That explains a lot. That explains a lot of things that happened to me in the woods as a kid. It was the lightning man.
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They talk to me. And I'm just like half asleep. I'm like, okay, guys, can I have a moment alone?
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It sounds like a gay porn duo. This Tuesday, the Thunder Brothers bring their variety review and striptease to Backstreet Atlanta.
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Some reason the Thunder Brothers left a pipe or the Lightning Man or whatever left a pipe that was too hot to touch. And they need it. For what reason? I don't know. It's like hieroglyphs in ancient Egypt. They need to get out of the tomb quickly. It's like a real Harrison Ford. So he's pissing on it. Oh, my God. Come on, guys. You're bringing this down. I thought this was a family show.
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Here, you grab it with your bare hands. Oh, lovely. Oh, that's nasty. Let's go.
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I was able to get anything out, but it dribbled out.
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I don't know. Why did he need to piss on it? Why did the other guy pick it up with his hands? Is piss really going to cool it off that much? Not there.
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They don't have noses, I don't think. I don't think smelling starts until you're like 20. I'm not sure what's going on there. It's awful. It's terrible. And I remember my father. I mean, we all remember our father's ass. Am I right or am I right? I don't. You don't? No. You don't remember your father's ass? Mm-mm. I mean, not like you. You know what I'm saying.
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And it's 15 after the hour here in the Rod Cunningham Diesel Depot studio. A check of traffic and weather right around the corner. But first, let's check on the markets. They're doing terribly and crab appleans are obviously concerned about the economy. WSHIT's consumer reporter, Darlene Stinkhand, has a few pieces of advice for those getting the jitters around the economy.
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That's right. He said he saw movement. I'd just start shooting. If it was me, I'd just start indiscriminately shooting into the air. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Just side to side like a movie hoping to hit something.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Yeah, good deal. Get that lighter out. That'll shed a bunch of light on the situation. Nothing illuminates a room like a lighter.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
We're in trouble. I'm losing fluid. We're losing fluid. You couldn't hold the lighter that long anyway. No. It would explode in your hand. I'm out. Oh, that was conveniently quick. I've had Bic lighters for five years.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
That never ran out. Right. When I smoked cigarettes, I had one lighter, I swear to God, for five years.
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It never ran out of fluid. And I did a lot of things with that lighter. A lot. But I never chased a Bigfoot with it.
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However, he conveniently had it lit for 30 seconds and it ran out of fluid.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Let's go. Here come the Thunder Brothers. Here come the Thunder Brothers.
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The smell of his ass, not his actual ass.
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What are these guys doing? All of a sudden, it's an Indiana Jones adventure. It's a choose-your-own-adventure. This is a Dan Brown novel now. I don't know what's going on. Is that it? Is that it? That's it!
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Well, to cool it off, you see, I stuck it on my ass.
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The Thunder Axe? What the fuck is a Thunder Axe?
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Oh, my God. This has gone way out of control. Now it's a Marvel movie. Where's Thanos when you need him? That's it. We got it.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Yeah. Everyone's got guns, but they're all excited about a thunder axe made with lashing and a piece of shitty wood.
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The door was shut, but that doesn't mean I wasn't able to smell my father's shit. I mean, for God's sake. My mom was always sneaking around the house, I think, pooping when people weren't there. She was of that ilk where a lady never let her smell be known.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Yeah. This is like a 4chan board come to life. We call the Thunder Axe. Storm the Capitol.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
What? This sounds really complicated for a mythological dum-dum creature. Like for a walking ape? Really? Yeah.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
We're going to have that Krispy Kreme 30, 40 yards out, and then we'll be back.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I heard something over here. This is just wild to me that they found a pipe. They pissed on it. Inside the pipe was a lashing that then they found a rock that then they put a piece of wood together to make a thunder axe. And that thunder axe needs to be touched by the lightning man. Then the Thunder Brothers inside the security box. And then I don't know what happens. What happens then?
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Thy lady shall never let thy poop be known. That shall keep her asshole clean and tidy. But my dad, you know, you got to talk to your dad sometimes. And sometimes when you had a father that was very busy like mine, traveling a lot, you know, sometimes dad would call us. He had a water closet, too. The door's always closed, but it was in this larger bathroom. And sometimes in the morning, Brian!
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Did you hear that very realistic explosion noise? That sounded like a cartoon.
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That was a lightning bolt right there. I guess Buck did have some extra fluid in his lighter. He did. He lit the tree on fire.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Right. It was the first 22 years of his life. He took a short break in Paducah, and then he came back. Oh, knocked him right out of his shoes. Yeah.
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Right there. I mean, he shucked the ground. Let's forget about medical attention and recall exactly what happened.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Oh, my tallywhacker. He's been pissing all over the place this time. He had to go. He had to go. That's all right. That's all right.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
You're lucky to be alive. You're not going to be alive. Don't worry. We don't need any additional medical attention for that lightning strike. Yeah, no, you're fine. You might hear a buzz for a couple of days, and radios might turn channels when you walk by them, but don't worry about it.
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Said every woman he has ever slept with. Slow down. Ease in before the thunder man gets here.
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I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's all just moving cameras really fast so you can't see anything.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Go easy now. I think you also shat yourself. I can smell it from here. I think it's pee-pee and poo-poo, if you know what I mean.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I'd be like, oh, no. No. Dun, dun, dun, dun!
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And the team quickly sent the Thunder Axe to the Smithsonian for additional research because, you know, the Thunder Axe and all that shit. All right. Everyone settle down. It's getting too loud in here.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Well, there just has never been a better episode. I love the mountain monsters.
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to death i just think this is the funniest show that has ever been it really is and it's hard for me to imagine that there is any human being out there that is watching this with any degree of seriousness but it's possible that there is someone out there believing this stuff and i feel bad for their relatives that's all i got maybe in the first couple of seasons but aren't they on like season 20
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I think they're actually only on season number eight or nine, but I believe that they are not making any more new Mountain Monsters. I think they canceled it. Yeah, right before you get that lucrative syndication contract. It always works that way.
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But don't worry. I think it's on Max right now. It'll float to Netflix or something like that. But what are those boys going to do after they get done with this? Do you think they made enough money to just kind of walk off into the sunset?
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Well, you'd be surprised. I bet these guys live in Manhattan. They're probably in the Hamptons or something. I bet they clean up nice.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Yeah, for sure. They're living on some lake in Kentucky. And they'll always be famous to those who know. To those who want. Yeah. You know, it goes to show. Make content. Somebody out there will enjoy it. How many people, I don't know. But, you know, we love it. So that's it. You can keep making them forever. We'd keep breaking them down. All right.
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All the audio and the video is now and always has been available on our website at tcbpodcast.com. It's hot. It's a hot website. But you don't have to piss on it. Pick it up with your hand. Like I said, all the audio, all the video.
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Because that shit would burn the nose hairs right off you. I mean, my dad's a hearty guy from Chicago. He's not some, you know, diminutive little flower eater. That's not what he does. He doesn't eat roses for breakfast. He has, like, bacon, eggs, pot roast. I don't know what they eat in Chicago. You know, whatever they were eating. But he's a meat eater. But the other day, my son...
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Yeah. I have no idea. That's a good question. Hit the contact us button if you want your free swag. Give us your address. We'll send you some. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. for all of the episodes the same day they air here on the audio feed.
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Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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One of my sons, he can wipe his own ass. He can do that. But sometimes you like to go in there for the double check. You know what I'm saying? You got to go in there for the double check. I don't think I learned how to properly wipe my ass until I was like 14 years old. And then maybe even not then. Like, it's a complicated procedure and you got to get it right.
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And it takes a long time to get to know your ass. I mean, I'm just speaking truthfully here. Sorry if I'm disturbing your breakfast.
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You know, I'm like, okay, let me come. And I just walked in and walked right out. And I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, Astrid. He's like, what's wrong? And I'm like, nothing. Don't worry about it. You're all good. It's all human. It's all there. One of my kids came in the other day. I picked him up from school and he was telling me about his day.
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She encourages listeners to go ahead and make that phone call and follow through. Some other advice from Darlene was to join your friend's MLM company. She explained that any company that makes you buy thousands of dollars worth of product you probably can't sell is a surefire bet to make millions and millions of dollars in extra income.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And he says, during a movie, we were watching a movie today. And during the movie, I had to fart. And he goes, so I farted and it was really loud. Yeah. And I go, oh, I was kind of laughing about it, you know, like, oh, that's a little embarrassing. But everybody farts. You can't hold it in. You're going to ruin your stomach if you hold it in.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
You know, just say excuse me, you know, when you're done. And I go, did all the kids go, ew? And he goes, no, only two of my friends. And I go, well, why did they go, ew? And he goes, because they really don't like my farts. And I was like, well, who does? The other part of the class? Is it the other part of the class that does? Yeah. I'm not sure. I don't know how all that works.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Oh, that was a different school. So we have so many kids that they all go to different schools. They're all in different grades and different schools have different grades and all this. No, actually, when I went to the school, well, you know, and I know now that At all the places that I go, the cat's just out of the bag.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And certainly at Starbucks, the cat is way out of the bag because for the first time in 10 years, nine years of going there, someone said something to me directly. They asked me directly if I was, in fact, that guy from the commercial break. And I wanted to crawl. I wanted to die inside of a hole. I was like, ah, this is the one place where no one plays.
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I mean, anywhere else in the world besides the places that I know people that you're not going to know about the commercial break. But the place that I go to, eventually curiosity kills the cat and they're trying to figure out what does that guy do? But no one has ever asked me directly, what do you do?
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
So anyway, so everybody at this school where this tree incident happened, these tree guys incidents happened, the tree incident.
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It was an incident, and it felt aggressive and scary, especially when you have children in the back of the car. And these guys were just young and dumb and full of stupid energy. And again, we probably all could have handled it a little bit better, but in the moment, I just wanted to go. I just wanted to get out of the energy.
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Because in this day and age, you never know how quickly that energy can turn into...
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violence it's just people are so fucking on edge all of us i'm not saying that that's everybody else and not me me too everybody's so on edge and we see so much crazy shit happening that at any given moment the things can just snap and you don't and then you can't take it back but anyway so i go the principal of the school you know the way that the cars line up she comes by and she clicks a button to say okay these kids need to be brought out so they can be picked up or whatever and
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And we're friendly. And so we're talking, and I said, oh, the tree guys aren't here today. And she goes, oh, those tree guys, they were awful. And I go, oh, really? Did you see what happened to me? Because I assume she did. Because everyone is yelling and screaming, and it's not very far away from where all the other parents and teachers were standing. And she goes, no, what happened?
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We were lucky enough to catch up with Darlene in the studio earlier, and here's some other advice she had for the listeners.
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So I tell her the story. And she's like, oh, my gosh, those guys were awful. They wouldn't stop doing the trees while the kids were outside and the wood chips are going everywhere and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, and I had to ask them multiple times and they still didn't listen to me. I am filing a complaint for them.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And now I'm going to file a complaint on this, too, because this is ridiculous. I'm going to talk to them.
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Like straight out of a movie. I swear to God, this happens next. There's like two parking lots, one that you drive through. And then as you're driving to get to the front of the school, there's another side parking lot for... For a forest preserve, which is what I think they were cutting the trees down for, the forest preserve. But it's this tiny little forest preserve.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
But there's a parking lot there, a small parking lot. And so I'm sitting there waiting to go and talking to her. And out of the side of my eye, I see a big truck pull up to park right in, like, the car is facing the side of my car now, my passenger side, in that extra parking lot. And guess who pulls up? The tree company, the tree company with the tree guys.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Now, only one of the guys of the two guys that was involved in the incident and the less I'd say the less aggressive when they were both pretty fucking aggressive. But the less aggressive one is there. And it appears they're there with a supervisor because they're walking around and the supervisor is like.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
pointing out these things or whatever, you know, you can tell he's just kind of like directing the charge. I don't think they noticed me, but I'll tell you what, it was crazy because as we were talking about it, they pulled up and I was like, Oh my God, here we go again. But luckily nothing, nothing happened. And it was just like, the whole thing was, Just so stupid. Come on, guys.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
What are you doing throwing cones at cars with kids in it and yelling and screaming and not paying attention? Come on. The whole world is fucking on fire right now. You can really sense the stress out there. When you're driving, everyone's driving aggressively. When you're out of place, you're just looking for the person that's going to pop and someone's inevitably ready to pop.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
People are yelling at each other. It's just all so much. Rev down, chill out. I know the world's on fire and everything's broken and it's getting more broken by the day. I get that, but... We're going to, some of us are going to survive. We're going to, I guess. I don't know. Some of us are going to survive. It's going to be okay. I don't know. I don't know how. I don't know when.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I don't know where. But some normalcy will return. It always does. And we're just having a little bit of an upheaval right now. But we can't kill each other. That's what they want us to do. They want us to be at each other's throats because then we're distracted and they can plunder. They can plunder while we're distracted fighting with each other over fucking cones in a parking lot.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Honestly, it's so fucking ridiculous. So I go to Starbucks the other day. So let me finish the Starbucks story. So I go to Starbucks the other day and I told you that I had suspected that one of the girls had figured it out and put two and two together. Just some things that she said to me indicated to me that she in fact knew that I had the podcast and she knew which podcast it was.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
But she didn't go directly at it. She didn't tell me that directly. And so I thought to myself, okay, well, she's going to keep my secret here. And I like this girl. I know she doesn't seem like the talker in the group. So I think, okay, all right, well, my secret's safe with her. And she's not going to be asking me every day. She's probably definitely not listening to the show.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
At least I don't imagine she is. She's young and has a life, and she doesn't have time for all this. But then there's a new guy there. And the new guy the other day, he's like, I'm checking out and he already knows me. He's already saying hi, Brian, and he already knows my drink. He's only been there for like three weeks, but he's on the ball. I like this kid. He's going to fit right in.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
He's going to go far in this Starbucks. He's going to go far in Starbucks making my coffee before I even walk in the door. I like this kid. He's a winner. I can pick one that goes the distance. He's going to go the distance. So he says, yeah, man, so what do you do? You work from home? And I go, yeah, yeah, I work from home. And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I think I know what you do.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And finally, Darlene expressed that most people miss an opportunity to become millionaires by simply not attending those weekend real estate seminars. She shared that two days worth of your time and thousands of dollars in coaching services you'll never use was an opportunity to build a solid foundation of real estate knowledge and become the next billionaire tycoon.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
And I was like, you do? And he goes, I think. What do you do? And I go, yeah.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
Yeah. Well, that's what I said. I go, well, why don't you go first and I'll confirm or deny based on it. And he goes, well, there's a little rumor going around that you have a podcast and it's called like the commercial break or something like that. And I go, oh, OK. And he goes, is that is that what you do? Is that true? And I go, listen, come here, you little fuck. Lean in, Claire.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I don't want anyone knowing exactly what I do. It's a family thing, okay? You got it? Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. I actually says this to him. I go, hey, listen. I go, yes, okay? The truth is yes. It took me like 30 seconds to say yes, because I was like, I don't know what to do here. I really don't want this secret out, but he's already got my number.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I can't say no, and then all he has to do is look up the fucking picture on the goddamn front of the podcast page. So I go, listen. Yes, but honestly, I kind of like coming to Starbucks where I think that nobody knows what I do, not because I'm famous or anything like that, but because it's a little safe harbor from some of the stupid shit I might say on the fucking podcast.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I don't want to have to answer, you know, I don't want to answer every question about every fucking thing that I say. I am one of these guys. This is why I do a podcast and not stand up comedy. First of all, not funny. Second of all, could never travel like that. I have too many kids. My wife would never let that happen. But third of all, I don't like the instant reaction about what I'm saying.
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Hot, Hard Axe of The Thunder Brothers!
I'd much prefer just go out there and you guys have a reaction in your own personal private space and I'll have my own reaction here. You know what I'm saying? And so I don't like the idea of having to answer for everything that I say on the show this morning.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And by the way, I do remember this woman was a real intellectual. She was like someone who was very smart. She had a lot of conversation in her and she knew what she like. This wasn't some vapid conversation. We were like talking about like, you know, deep stuff, the stars and space and aliens and all this other stuff. Right. And and she was an educated.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
So we were having a good, I thought, very meaty conversation. I remember it that way. I don't remember what we're talking about, but I remember it that way. I remember thinking, wow, you know, this is a this is a smart conversation.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And so, again, I remember specifically this time, we go to bed, we go to sleep, and she goes to bed naked, right? Okay. But there is no vibe under any... I mean, listen, if there was a vibe, I would feel it. I've got a vibe-dar. for this kind of thing. And while I think it's been wrong a couple of times, I don't think it's been wrong often.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I didn't feel any sort of like her feeling any kind of attraction toward me. I understand she's naked, like, but you got to understand the premise of the whole weekend. It was kind of a naked weekend. You know what I'm saying? Like there was a lot of, there was a lot of tits and ass.
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we're that's right we're all i'm my my micro penis is now everybody's it's no secret anymore everyone's just doing their thing feeling uh not a lot of inhibition because we're all feeling comfortable with each other except for me and this other guy had a huge swang and now i got my little peepees hanging out that's why i took my shorts off in the jacuzzi while it was bubbling so no one could see
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Yes, because this guy takes them off before he gets in, and I'm like, I would too if I had that. That is a baby arm right there. What are you doing? That is a whale dick. That is a pizzle. You got a pizzle.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
But, you know, it's it's just that kind of weekend. It's that kind of vibe. So at least in my state of intoxication, I don't find any of this to be particularly like strange. It's just what's going on this weekend. Right. And I've been in far crazier situations than this. This is not weird to see a topless woman walking around the house. Or walking around the room. So we go to sleep.
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I do remember she was nude. I do remember going to sleep. I do remember thinking for a few minutes, like, is this like a – are we having a vibe check here? Right, yeah. Is she inviting something that I'm just not picking up?
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Something. To indicate no. Well, I think part of the conversation was, I sleep in the nude. That's what I do, right? So, yeah, she's like – either she's – But there's no other hints that are dropped that I pick up on. It's an intellectual conversation where we're smoking cigarettes and drinking.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
That's right. Her tits are out. And then we go to sleep and she's in the nude. But nothing happens. I don't even think I touched the girl at night at all because I didn't feel like there was any kind of indication that that was okay. That's what she wanted. That's what she was interested in. Next day, everybody separates, goes their own ways.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And this girl and I had been texting on occasion, like not frequently, but on occasion. And like, I don't know, a week later, I text, hey, how you doing? You know, I had a fun time. And no response. And then a text again, no response. What's that? I remember the boobs. Hey, how are your tits doing?
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Hey, how are your tits feeling? Do you need some help? How are you? Nothing. Nada. No response. Months later, I saw her at a party, an event, a party. And she was just kind of dismissive. And I was like, hey, what's up? You know, I texted you a few times and I didn't hear back. And she's like, well, you know, I just felt like, you know, you clearly weren't into me. So I didn't want to bother you.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And I said, weren't into you? Like, how? And she's like, well, I just got the friend vibe. And so, you know, we had that night together and nothing happened. And I just I pick I took I picked up what you were putting down. And I was like, what was I putting down? Like, I didn't pick up that vibe at all. Did I? I must have missed the cues. She's telling me I missed the cues. But would you?
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
She was naked. That's true. So you're saying that the first indication that a girl is into you is if she's naked in your bed.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Put that in the old brain bank and remember it next time, Brian. If she's naked in bed, well, then Astrid's got a lot of explaining to do. Or I have a lot of explaining to do to Astrid. I just missed it. I missed it altogether.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I was always respectful. You were. I was always respectful. Listen, here's my piece of advice to the young men out there. Despite what other podcasters might tell you, other podcasters might say, respect is the ultimate – Flirtation, period, end of sentence. No matter what the situation is, respect an invitation. Wait for the invitation. Ask for the invitation.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Whatever you have to do, but always respect the boundaries. Even if there's a naked woman in your bed, it doesn't necessarily always mean. It probably means she's into you, but it doesn't necessarily always mean that she's into you. Still, not 100% welcoming. You can't assume anything, I guess is what I'm trying to say.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And I didn't assume anything. So therefore, I missed out on an opportunity with an attractive young woman. But we both ended up in better places. I don't know where she ended up, but I ended up in a better place.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
We didn't talk much after that, but that's okay. You know what? Onward and upward. There's my story about a naked cabin in the woods. Remember, kids, jacuzzis should be cleaned often. That's all I got to say.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Yeah. Let's catch up on a few television shows. Let's do it. All right. So, Paradise. You told me to watch Paradise. Were you the one who told me to watch Paradise?
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I really liked the way in which the timing and tempo of it, I like the fact that it gets right into it. It's not a lot of backstory and 15 weeks of, you know, this and that and the other thing. But I found at the end of the episode, I won't spoil it for anybody, I found at the end of the episode, I was a little disappointed in the whole plot twist.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Like, I thought it would be a little bit, I don't know, like a little bit more grounded in reality, I guess would be the right word to use, right?
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The very first episode. Where you find out. Where you find out exactly what's going on. I won't ruin it for anybody, but just know it's sci-fi, drama, mystery kind of thing going on involving a president in the Secret Service. And it's very well acted.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Very well acted. Even the first episode, you're like, and those are usually the worst acted scenes.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
episodes of any season you know of any show it was so well done by those by the actors involved i really enjoyed it it kept me going and i had to break it up into four different sessions because i can only get 10 minutes out of fucking time in this house to watch anything but i do have to say i'll give it a second and a third episode oh yeah but i was a little bummed out by where the direction it headed second and the third are great
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Are they? Okay. Do we find out more? Is there more that's uncovered?
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Do we understand a little bit more about why we're here and what we're doing?
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Okay, I'm going to give it a try, but I would suggest if you're into that like lost type of television show, I guess, but much better acted and probably better directed, Paradise is right up your alley. I still think Severance is the best sci-fi television show that we're all watching right now. And if you're not watching Severance, you must watch Severance.
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And adjunct to that, I'm going to throw in another one that you must watch. Bailin' Out Loud. Bailin' Out Loud is one of the best television shows that's out there right now, I'm just saying.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Are you watching Bailin' Out Loud? I'm not, but it keeps popping up. Okay, just watch an episode. I know the first episode is going to be a little hard to watch because Bailin' has one of the most severe cases of Tourette's Syndrome ever. according to professionals that they have seen. And it is intense. She is really has a hard time controlling what they call ticks, her ticks, right?
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And it goes from everything from facial movements and body movements to compulsive behaviors. And she has something called, and I don't want to mess it up. I'm not going to say it, but there is a version of Tourette's, the one that we're probably all cartoonishly familiar with, which is people yelling out obscenities at any given time. Like, you know, go fuck yourself, suck a dick.
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shows all of it, even when she's cussing. So I guess they've made an editorial decision that let's go ahead and show when she's saying the word dick or shit or fuck or whatever. Most of those come out without bleeping. So it's really intense. You get to see it. But Balin herself... is an absolute sweetheart. She's a doll face. And the show is interesting. What time does the show come on?
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She's on at 10, so it's after Safe Harbor. But it's also a cable channel, so they can do what they want. They choose not to because they want the advertisers. But it doesn't seem like they're having a problem getting advertisers on Baylen Out Loud. I like this show. I like this girl.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I am. And now, because let me share something with you in case you don't know something about the commercial break. I do like good television, but I like really bad television also. I'm into like the 90 Day Fiance 600 Pound Life, like the series of television shows that usually come on TLC.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
It's just been a channel that I've enjoyed watching devolve into absolute shit show for the last two decades.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I know. Part of it. It's not hard to get dragged into. Once you get sucked in, it's like a whirling dervish. I know. It just kind of brings you in. And some of the television shows are just fascinating looks at other people's lives. And while some of it you know is manufactured drama, it's still drama that's interesting. I am over 90 Day Fiancé boot camp or whatever it is. The resort. I'm done.
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These people... are the thirstiest people on earth since the two hosts of the commercial break started in 2020. They are so thirsty. They really are. It is horrible. It is terrible. None of these relationships have a shot of making it. They are just there to collect a paycheck and have a nice two-week vacation. I know it. I'm sure of it.
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Yes, I actually did. You thought they were. It seemed like they were one of the couples that were actually doing things together. Not to be. Poor Gino. Gino. Gino and his hat and his bald head, his little tuft of hair hanging out. I know. You've got to know. I mean, Gino is just, he is one of a kind. And Jasmine is one of a kind. She is an explosive woman. Explosive.
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Natalie, the Russian girl who is a Russian girl. She is insane. She is... There's no rhyme or reason to anything Natalie does. But I don't want to bore you all with that. I'm done with that.
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I'm sticking with 90 Day Fiancé or 90 Day The Other Way. One of those two. And there's a new season that's starting. And one of them has a thruple. It's a thruple 90 Day Fiancé.
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How are they going to get them over here on a 90-day visa? I have no idea if they're a throuple unless two of them are American, right? Yeah, I guess so. And they're bringing the third one over. But, okay, you got me, TLC. You got me for another three episodes.
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Yes, My Sister Wives or Seeking Sister Wives. Yes. Yeah, which that's still interesting. We're waiting for that show. But now I'm seeing there are commercials for new TLC programming. One of them is very small people. Like, I don't know what they have. It's not like the regular, like the Seven Little Johnstons type of dwarfism. It's like a different type. Oh.
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And there's two of them that are married, and they have a new television show. This is just Brian... just staring at other people's misfortune. I know that it is in some ways. But they are putting themselves out there, I assume, to humanize, you know, to get a paycheck. To get a little bit of traction, maybe a little bit of fame.
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We all can assume that if you're on a reality show, you're looking for that kind of attention. And then additionally, I think to humanize in some way their condition or their lives. To say, hey, we are out here being people too, and we can do these things also. We can get married and fall in love. And that's Seven Little Johnstons is on like season number 27.
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Yeah, I'm kind of getting over it a little bit, though, because it's the same thing every episode. And I've said this, it's so formulaic. It's the most formulaic of any TLC shows. I do love the Seven Little Johnstons. I really do. I mean, as people, I think that they're very interesting human beings.
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Yes. And I want to go on their show. I want to be a part of it. Can I come on and make an appearance on the seven little Johnstons? I know you live close. So come on, let's do this. It's a collab. Is that what the kids are saying these days? Let's collab on something. Seven little Johnstons. But the problem is you got to break that formula of the show. Here it is.
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Some goofy game that the family plays like a made up, you know, Oh, Hey, today we're taking pictures for Instagram. So we decided to do a silly little dance. We're all learning a silly little dance that takes up half the episode. Then there's some kind of drama that drama is resolved. And then the last five minutes of show new drama appears. That's it. And it's formula, formula, formula, formula.
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Every time you got to break that formula, we need sex, drugs, and rock and roll. That's what we need. Seven little Johnstons. Get on it. Come on. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Somebody go to a strip club or something. That's what we need. Hey, Invite me on the show. I got the answers for all this formula.
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Yes, for sure. You got to shake it up. A lot of these kids, they're in their 20s now, so they can get to it. What are we doing? We're boozing. We're having fun. We're going to the strip club. Maybe we go to Vegas. We do some fun things, but things that aren't necessarily pre-planned and script. It's too scripted.
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But anyway, I will digress just for a second so that we can ask Chrissy, what is your favorite television show that Brian's not watching right now?
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Tina, what's the show you're watching? I'll ask Tina. I'll give you a minute to think about it.
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I want to see both of those. I want to see Lioness and I want to see Landman, but they're both on Paramount+.
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But they gave you like, but it's connected to Paramount Plus?
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Okay. It was good. I heard a lot of people talking about that first episode. They got very excited about it. I was just wondering if it managed to follow through on all the excitement it had produced.
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Yes, I've watched all the Fargos. A return to form this last season. A return to form. I really liked the first season. I kind of liked the second season. The season with Chris Rock was not my favorite season. It just kind of dragged a little bit. I thought the story was a little too forced. But then the fourth season, which I think is the last one with Jon Hamm, very, very good.
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It wasn't romantic in any nature. It was just us talking. It was probably me, Brian, making up shit like I do here on the commercial break. Telling stories, making up facts.
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Have you watched The Hole? Is it The Hole? The one with... Well, that's... But that's been out for so long, I think if you wanted to watch it, you could watch it. It's about a giant hole in the ground. It's literally about a giant hole in the ground, and it's starring that guy. Now I'm not going to... I'm going to fucking forget his name. He was in No Country for Old Men.
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Not Harvey or Burden, but the other one. He's like a gruff...
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Okay, hold on. I watched something. No Country for Old Men cast... No. No, but he was in that too.
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Josh Brolin. So Josh Brolin starred in an Amazon Prime show that was so fucking good. Let's see here. Not Sicario. Sicario was good. I liked Sicario. I can't remember what television show he was in. Anyway, I'll remember it and I'll get to it. One of the things that I wanted to say that everybody has to watch while we're talking about television shows is Slow Horses on Apple TV.
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Yes, I've seen all of that. It's so good. There's four seasons of that now also. And every season is quick, to the point, and so well done.
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Filling the void with whatever shenanigans are rolling around in my head. You know how I do, Chrissy. I do. I could talk for hours. Is it the truth? I don't know. Is it factual?
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And there has never been, I mean, the acting in Slow Horses is so incredible. Gary Oldman was born to play this guy. He was born to play this guy. And what's his name? I'm having a hard time with all the names today.
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Anyway, he was born to play this role. Born to play this role. And he is so good in this. Watch Slow Horses. So, anyway, what did you think of it?
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You told me about Silo. Everyone's talking about Silo.
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Haven't gotten into Silo. Can't wait for the next season?
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For All Mankind is really what I'm excited to see. Okay. The next one of For All Mankind. We talked about that when I was watching it. I think there's six seasons, four or five, six seasons of For All Mankind. So good.
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You gotta suspend disbelief for the first couple of episodes. It looks like it's a historical drama, and then all of a sudden it takes a right-hand turn, and you're like, wait, that's not how all this shit went down. Just follow it. It's an alternative historical drama. Like, if things had been different... In the space race, what would have happened? It is so fucking good.
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And if you aren't thirsty for the next season, by the time you get done with the established episodes that are out there, then you just don't like good TV. All right, let's take a break. And when we get back, Brian will talk more shit.
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There's usually something there you can hang on to. There's usually some post of reality. It's like the North Pole. It's really hard to find, but it's up there somewhere.
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Okay, I wanted to mention a story that I read that all of us were talking about the other day on our group chat. You know, there is a woman, I won't mention her name here on the air, but there is a woman who was recently fired from her job as a police training officer because... Because she was trying to make ends meet for her children by doing some racy photographs at night.
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She was on one of these websites where people could pay her to disrobe, essentially. And she got fired because the local town council found out about her moonlighting job. Even though there was no rules in the handbook about taking moonlighting jobs, as a matter of fact, many police officers moonlight in many different ways. They're Uber drivers. They're delivery drivers. Mm-hmm. Security.
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Security at concerts and at bars. I mean, those police officers aren't standing there doing work on behalf of the taxpayers. They are getting paid by the event producers, the bar, the facility, whatever, to stand there. Cops who direct traffic in the morning for schools or offices. They're doing that to make extra money, to make ends meet.
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That's one of the fringe benefits of being a police officer is that it's likely you can pick up secondary work because people need you to do other work that's not taxpayer-approved. This lady is just doing other work. And listen, whether or not you believe that pornography should be a thing, let's put that aside for just one second.
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The lady is trying to feed her children, and she cannot do that on her police officer's salary. The story goes she had an emergency at her house. A tree fell through her roof. She needed a new roof or a hailstorm or a windstorm or something. She needed a new roof.
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and she couldn't afford it so she took somebody up on their offer yeah as many people do she took somebody up on her offer to put out some photographs and those photographs were racy they were graphic i saw some of them you know like any pornography is and who fucking cares okay so the training officer has some titty pics out there what does it matter it's 2025 this lady is a police officer
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She is putting her life on the line every fucking day for other people. And she just needs to feed her children and have a new roof. Who cares how she does that as long as it's legal? If it's illegal, I get it. If she's selling weed on the side, I understand. You can't be a police officer and sell weed on the side. Though I did know a police officer who sold weed on the side.
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uh i don't want to get i don't even want it maybe i shouldn't say that a police officer who was selling weed and doing cocaine at my house and he was a georgia state patrol officer now he was off the job he was you know not working at the time so whatever's clever it doesn't bother me one bit that would be really weird if he was in his uniform if he was in his uniform he wasn't in his uniform but he had a line yeah but he had his badge and trust me it i was a little skeeved out by the whole thing somebody else brought him over to my house yeah and i was like dude i
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Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene, this is my co-host and my dear friend Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to me, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we are. I wanted to tell a story or share with you, see if you can remember this. I want to see if I can dredge this memory up from you.
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Did you just bring a cop that's got a badge on him? He like whipped out the badge to grab a credit card to cut the cocaine with. And I was like, oh, no, we're not doing this, are we? Because, you know, that guy could like, I don't know. He could flip on me. Yeah. At any moment. It skeeved me out to the point where I didn't do anything like any drugs in front of him.
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I was like, no, it's a step too far. But I knew the guy. But whatever you do on your private time is your private time. I guess if it's illegal, you should probably uphold the law if you're having other people uphold the law.
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But the point is, is that this lady not being able to make ends meet and then getting fired for doing something perfectly legal, maybe not moral in your eyes, but perfectly legal to to to make ends meet. is like the epitome of hypocrisy. We're allowing them to put their bodies on the line when we need them to, when they're the last line of defense or the first line of defense.
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We call their bodies into action, willing to sacrifice on the altar of public service. But when they want to use their bodies to make sure that they have food in their mouths, it's not okay. It doesn't make any sense at all whatsoever. Think of it what you will. Decide whether or not you want to watch pornography or look at these pictures. That's your choice. Absolutely. But it's your choice.
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Her choice is to try and make enough money to pay the rent. And I don't understand, for the life of me, how this is a problem. If she's a teacher, I get it. I get it. I totally understand it. If you're a teacher, you need to set a good example for the children. It's just part of the job requirements. There is some kind of... expectation of morality.
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Yeah, the kids can see the pictures, especially if you're like a teacher of old. Well, I guess if you're a teacher of any children, if you're a college professor, then I get it. The kids are old enough to understand that this is the way the world works.
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But if the kids are like 10 and they're looking at nudie, you know, nude photographs of you, then I can understand how that would be disruptive in class. And therefore, while I don't disagree with the methodology, I do agree that you need to have some kind of Like you need to toe the line in some way, in some way, shape or form. Listen, let's all get over ourselves a little bit here.
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Do you know what I'm saying, Chrissy? Like, let's get over ourselves and allow people to do what they need to do to make ends meet in 2025. It's a tough, tough life. It's a tough life for everybody.
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Absolutely. And we need to be able to keep a roof over our heads and feed ourselves. And if that means that we have to go to footfinder.com and sell some sexy, hairy toe pictures in order to make ends meet, well, that's what I'm going to do. You don't have any expectation that Brian is not going to do pornography, do you? And I'm not putting my life on the line for you.
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Do you remember when you, I think you were with us, you, I, our friend, a Russian friend, and a couple of other folks, including some of her friends, went for a birthday party up to a cabin. We had rented a cabin for the weekend.
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It's really, really hypocritical to believe that this woman should never do anything you don't agree with if she's trying to make ends meet. That's all I got to say. I just wanted to throw that out there. I think, you know, officers get a bad rap for good reason.
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There's a lot of shitty police officers out there, but there are probably many more who are just trying to make ends meet and really like public service. And the bad ones should be weeded out and bad policing should be weeded out and all that other stuff. I don't need to go over every single type of bad policing, but there are a lot of good police officers out there.
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Just checking up on a suspicious person. Yeah, at the grocery store. Yeah, and the guy opened fire as soon as she opened the door. I think it was a she, if I'm not mistaken. It was a he? Yeah. He died instantly because some dude just opened fire. That's a tough job.
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That's a tough, tough job. Yeah. We should let our police officers do anything within the bounds of law to make sure that they live high on the hog. That's my opinion. And then we might get, you know, better police officers. You know what I'm saying? They might be more inclined to do good police work if they know they don't have to struggle to make ends meet. Is it the theory that I have?
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Is it the theory that I have? It's like the Amazon guy throwing packages at my door. I understand. That job is tough. That's a tough fucking job. And Brian's ordering some random wire from Taiwan and needs it yesterday. And I'm like, well, where's my shit? You know, and there it is.
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Yeah, when we first moved here, the person who lived here before us said that she was an old lady, an old kook. And she said, oh, kook. And she told the UPS and the FedEx drivers, I don't want you coming to my front door because the dog barks and it bothers me. So leave it on the side of the house.
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And so for a year or two, whenever we got a package, it ended up wet on the side of the house, like in the mud, on the trash can, down the street. It was crazy. It was crazy. So finally, I had to have a conversation with the guys. I'm like, hey, dudes. We're okay.
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Throw it at the door. Just get it somewhere close to the front of the house, and I'd be happy. I'm always, like, searching around the woods for my packages. Like, did it blow over there or did it go over there? And that also reminds me, like, there's the trash can people. The trash can people, the trash folks, they're lovely human beings.
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And I know that's got to be the most thankless job in the world. You've got to sit in that stank, in that sweaty, hot mess during the summers and cold during the winters, flying on the back of that truck. Rain, all of it. I think about a day like today when it's just raining cats and dogs, and you've got to be on the back of that truck because today's our trash day.
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You've got to be hanging on to that truck, wet with all that sloppy garbage flying all over you. God, I could never do that job. But then they have this automatic trash can machine that grabs it and throws it up in the back. Do you know what I'm talking about? The arm that just grabs it?
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Well, the person who's driving the truck or doing the arm or whatever can't seem to find my driveway to save his life. All the way down the street, after trash day, you'll just see a row of trash cans out in the middle of this incredibly busy two-lane street. People are honking. They're hitting the trash cans.
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So being the good neighbor that I am, you know, Brian, the good neighbor, I sometimes go down the street and pull the trash cans in just to make sure that no one gets into an accident.
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I'm all about automation. A poor guy doesn't need to be sitting on the back of the truck, you know, throwing the trash into my trash can. Fine. Fine. Go ahead. Use your arm. But could you do me a favor? Put it back where you found it, at least within a foot or 10 feet, not in the middle of the fucking street.
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People are literally getting into car accidents because they're trying to avoid my trash cans driving way too fast down the street in front of my house. It really drives me crazy. I bet it does. Yeah, it does. All of us neighbors, we got a little WhatsApp group going on like, hey, dude, what's going on there? I don't know.
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I took a picture of it the other day, but then I didn't send it in because I was like, these poor guys, they already have enough fucking grief. Dealing with your trash. Yeah, they already got to, you know, they already got to take my jizz napkins and throw them in the... Blue's pee pads. Oh, Blue's pee pads, yeah. There's no trash that smells like Brian's trash. Between the baby...
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My 21 EPMs and the dog, it's a cesspool of germs and shit. Sorry. I'm really sorry. But I do appreciate the trash men. I certainly do. All these people who serve me, I have just, because I worked in the restaurant industry for so long, it takes me, you have to get me really fired up to get me angry enough to call and complain. You really do have to get me very fired up. I'm just not that guy.
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I'm not that fussy. I really am not. All right, well, listen. It's a little bit of a short episode, but, you know, take it where you can get it. I got things to do. This isn't the only thing in my life. You got to go get the trash can. I got to go take nudie photographs to make ends meet. That's what I got to do.
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I got to put some highly graphic photographs of my taint out there to a guy named Dave.
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We were doing that 700 Club and I was doing the voice of Pat Robertson. Kiss me, I'm a painter.
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His hand was like a skeleton coming out of the grave.
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Yeah, I've been a couple of times whitewater rafting. It's not as nervy. Like, this is not the Colorado River.
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Poor guy. Poor guy. All right, we didn't have a TCB infomercial this week, but go back and listen to Ari Shafir from last week. It was a great episode. A lot of people commented that they really enjoyed the conversation. It was not only funny and fun, but it was insightful.
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And I think that Ari has got a good head on his shoulders and a good perspective about what's going on in the world right now, and I can appreciate it.
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You be tripping. There it is. His podcast is considerably better than this one, so go check it out. Of course, the people that come on are more famous. Except for Ari. Ari actually came on our show, so I take that as a compliment. Yeah, yeah. It's like having Johnny Carson on. Yeah, he talks to a lot of famous people, but Johnny himself is a famous person. So there you go. Thanks, Ari.
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We appreciate it. See him in a couple weeks. We're going to go see him live.
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I'm excited. All right. Check out arishafir.com for tour information. Check out America's Sweetheart on Netflix. I'll put the link in the show notes so you can just get there quickly. As far as we're concerned, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas, or you can be on the show.
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But we went to the place where they had the Olympics here in Georgia, where they had the whitewater rafting here in the Olympics. Class 5 Rapids is what they say. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But it was not, to me, as nervy as I thought it might have been. I was expecting that we would really, like, see some deep dives and big, you know, throwing around. There was a few seconds of that.
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If you leave us a voicemail, you may be the next opening voice of the commercial break. Go ahead. Touch base. Have the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok. And tcbpodcast.com is our URL. All the audio, all the video right there. But you can catch the video at youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Same day the episodes air here on the audio feed.
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But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I do say, we will say, and we must say, goodbye.
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But it was, like, that was the punctuation mark in an otherwise extremely boring trip down the river, right? And there was, like, 12 of us in this canoe. And I'll never forget, we were so...
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like hungover and starting drinking again and then we got on this boat and of course there was no drinking on the boat because we had to pay attention to what we were doing so we were all really looking just to get back to drinking it was like an irritation in our day hungover ready to eat not having any interest in this now that we knew we brought the cooler they just wouldn't let us take him with it he's like no no no man those things could hit you in the head yeah
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Then we go through the three hours of instruction. You know, if you should fall.
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All right. No one fell out of the boat except for when they purposefully flipped the raft. I think just to give you the excitement you were looking for. Yeah. The thrill you were looking for. But that's anticlimactic when you know it's coming. You know what I'm saying? It's like, okay, now we're in the cold river. Let's get out.
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So we went for a birthday party and it was one other guy, four girls and me. So two guys, four girls. And there were a number of big cabin, lots of rooms in there. And I got a room way at the top, like in the attic of the place. Brian got the attic room. But whatever. I don't care. We're here. We're having fun, whatever it is. In Georgia, this is not uncommon.
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And if you have mountains near your house, you've seen these before. These huge houses that look like log cabins, but they're not. They're really very nicely appointed places to stay. They're good Airbnbs. At that time, there was an Airbnb, but you could rent them from rental companies. And there are companies that own hundreds of these things up in the mountains of Georgia. So beautiful scenery.
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It's fun. It's fun. You usually just stay in the cabin and get shit hammered.
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yes get in the jacuzzi and rip down the shower curtain beautiful open floor beautiful open floor plan houses with nice kitchens and then every basement has the same thing out pool table arcade games a grill a jacuzzi and a warning that there are bears and so don't you know don't go out there be bear aware as they say be bear aware Because the bears will come. They will smell the food.
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You know, you could get in trouble. Yes. We don't have like grizzly bears here, but we have those black bears and the brown bears. They can be nuisances, essentially. And those raccoons. Oh, the raccoons are mean as shit. They're cute as a button, but they are mean as shit.
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Yeah, you got to be careful. Yeah, they usually have locks on them or something along those lines. You keep the trash inside until you absolutely need to put it outside. So we went to this cabin, got there on a Friday night. We just hit it hard. And I will never forget the first, we were downstairs. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Exactly.
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That's right. But Brian's smarter than the average bear, no pun intended. And I only drink Bud Light. I stick with the Bud Light. I might do a shot. But I know that if I add hard liquor into the mix, I'm not going to know how drunk I am. Like, it's going to come up on me really quickly.
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But that doesn't stop me from having 36 Bud Lights. And on the first night, there is a jacuzzi outside, downstairs, outside the basement, on the lowest floor. There is a jacuzzi, like a lot of these cabins. Almost all of them have them, these jacuzzis, that are usually eight- or ten-person jacuzzis, enough to have a nice party. So we get the jacuzzi going. We're drinking.
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Somebody's cooking a meal. We're downstairs in the basement. I will never forget the first time I ever heard the Lady Gaga song. Rah, rah. Yeah, yeah. Is on MTV or whatever music, you know, whatever video channel was on in one of these cable stations. It was playing and I was like, oh, that's cool. I like that. Whatever that is, I'll take more of that. All that you got. I like that, Lady Gaga.
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But we all got into the jacuzzi and because that's what you do. You do. Well, it was me and this other guy and these four girls, and two of those girls had boob jobs, right? And as you do when you're young and you're drunk and you're having fun and you're in a jacuzzi, somehow the conversation always turns to sex, and somehow someone's always getting naked, right? So, of course...
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Most of us disrobe at some point during the night. And that's just the way it is. So now we're all in various states of nudity in the jacuzzi, but nothing is, I mean, nothing's happening. Nothing's going on, right?
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
That's right. Night ends, night wraps up, and it's just me and this other friend of our friend. Mm-hmm. Who had some of the largest fake boobs I have ever seen in my entire life. On a very small frame, but they were large. And so we end up upstairs in my room that has a little balcony off of it, smoking cigarettes and talking through the night.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And I thought it was a very nice conversation, but I didn't feel it was very amorous. It wasn't like I wanted to hook up with this. Like, you know, it wasn't one of those conversations where all of a sudden you're making out. It wasn't romantic in any nature. It was just us talking. It was probably me and Brian... making up shit like I do here on the commercial break.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Filling the void with whatever shenanigans are rolling around in my head. You know how I do, Chrissy. I can talk for hours. Is it the truth? I don't know. Is it factual?
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
There's usually something there you can hang on to. There's usually some post of reality. It's like the North Pole. It's really hard to find, but it's up there somewhere. Yeah. It's grounding us all. It's grounding all of our compasses somewhere. You know, it moves around, but it's up there somewhere. It's a thing you can't see, but you know it's around and it's helping guide the conversation.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
That is the truth. I am a storyteller. Storytellers, we don't rely on the truth. What? This is boring. That's boring. Side note, Astrid comes in here the other night and she's asking, she's She goes, that wedding story you told. And I said, yeah. And she goes, you got it wrong. And I said, what did I get wrong? And she goes, the wedding didn't start at three o'clock. It started at noon.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
And I was like, and? And she was like, well, I just wonder if you remember some of these things. And I'm like, well, I do now that you're telling me, but what did I say? She said, you said 3 p.m. And I said, that could make a lick of difference in the conversation, like, in the story that I was telling. It had nothing to do with what time it was. It was long either way.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I'm spinning my tails up in the attic, you know, and we're smoking cigarettes and we're having fun. And eventually we disperse for the night. Or I don't know if we disperse or if we spent the night in the same bed, but whatever. The point is, nothing happened. And I'm curious about what you think about this. So night number two, we go to, you know, we go do the whitewater rafting.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
We go into town to go do a little shopping. And then we come back and we do the same. Rinse and repeat. Get shit-faced. Eat some dinner. Hang out in the jacuzzi. But this time, it's me and this girl that are left early in the night because everyone was, you know, they were hungover and tired. Tired from the day. Yeah, they were tired from the day and they'd had enough. Shopping. Shopping.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I don't know. Jewelry, shitty $3 jewelry from the local, you know, tourist trap. Yes, exactly. A magnet. I was here. I whitewater rafted. You know, the mountains are where I smile.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I'm smiling because I'm in the mountains. Right. Okay, all right. Congratulations, right?
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Salt and pepper shakers, right. My dog is a wolf. You know, like stupid shit like that.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Lake life is great. You know, all the shit you see on the walls of these rental cabins, like they just fill it with a bunch of tropes. Well, okay, I get it. The same thing with the beach, you know. Life's a beach. Yeah, life's a beach. It's hard to frown when the sun goes down at the beach. Yeah. And it's on a light preserver plug. Yeah, you sure are happy.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
My morning, but my songbirds are dolphins. You know, all the stupid shit that they put all over those walls. Anyway, I don't know what we're shopping for. Who knows? I don't think I bought anything. I probably didn't have any money. But anyway, Bud Light. That's what I bought. I went shopping for Bud Light because I drank all of it the night before.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
God forbid I be less than 10 Bud Lights in a fridge. I start panicking. I'm like, oh no.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Hey, listen, I'm not hating on a Piggly Wiggly. No. Yeah, I've seen a few that are. Piggly Wiggly and Ingles. Those two is what you find up there in the mountains. I don't know why. They're the mountain stores. They are. The mountain stores. So rinse and repeat. So it's me and this girl in the jacuzzi at the end of the night. And for whatever reason, she starts talking about her boobs.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
You know, I like my boobs. I got the dot. I don't know what she's saying. I'm drunk. I don't know what she's saying. I'm not listening. I don't care. You know, we're listening to music. We're having fun. And she takes her top off and she starts asking me if I would feel her boobs because her boobs are the gummy bear boobs or whatever. Did they do a good job? Yeah, it's a special type. Yeah.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
So I start feeling her, you know, invited, of course, invited to feel her breasts. Of course. Why wouldn't you? I'm single. I'm not beholden to anybody. It's completely consensual. She's asking me. So just to be clear about this story, I don't want anybody to get it twisted. I wasn't just feeling some girl up because she said I have gummy bear boobs.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
Yeah. Yeah. You're proud of them. Yeah. Sure. Why not? If it's someone that you trust and, you know, you're having fun and having a few drinks. Why not? Yeah. And and I had seen them the night before. So it wasn't like there was no mystery about it. This wasn't some big secret. So I started feeling her boobs, yada, yada, yada. Rinse and repeat upstairs again that night. More smoking cigarettes.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
But this time, this time, she just has a towel wrapped around her waist while we're sitting up there. And so her boobs are just hanging out the entire night.
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Just A Boy and His Stories...
I'm not going to argue looking at tits all night long. Yeah. She did pay a lot of money for them. Great boob job. They looked real. I mean, they didn't look real, but you know what I'm saying. You get what I'm saying. So there we are the rest of the night. And then again, Brian bores her to sleep. Brian's story. It's story time with Brian. And so we go to sleep.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family, and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy, and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments, even when you're on the go. With Ring, you've got the whole home covered.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
But I do have to say this. No, there's nothing to say.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
No, I'm not. Listen, I'm not saying I'm not part of the problem. I am part of the problem. I've watched Dr. Phil. I paid Dr. Phil. I paid him to talk about me. I paid Dr. Phil to talk about me. And 90 Day Fiance is just one step removed from Who's the Father?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Because everybody on 90 Day Fiancé is one step removed from being a guest on The Maury Povich Show. Let's be honest about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We were just watching an episode before we started recording here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, the last resort is right. Because none of these couples have a chance from the beginning. And why we're even pretending that they do is beyond me. But okay, let's go there. This is all... This is where we've gotten to. We've gotten to this because we collectively... Soak in the drama. We love to think that we're doing better than other people.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We love to see other people's train wrecks because it makes our train wreck not feel so damaging. And we like tits and ass. That's it. That is it. And dollars. Tits, ass, and dollars with eight spelled D-A-U, dollar sign, dollar sign, asterisk, A-W-A-R, dollar sign, dollar sign.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Okay, so Chrissy, today for the 12 days of TCB, we're going to dip our toe back in the water of the mountain monsters because, I'm sorry, yeah, we clicked toes when I said that. Look at that. Look at us playing footsie under the table. You see me, Jeff? Catch me outside. Dollar sign, asterisk, explanation point. Explanation point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
uh we're gonna dip our toes back in the mountain monster's water because we reviewed uh for the 12 days of tcb one of the episodes where they were running around chasing the cherokee bigfoot the cherokee mind melting monster or whatever it's called a cherokee devil the cherokee yeah and there had been like a rogue team or something involved the rogue team but they had met up and i don't know
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I'm not even sure I've got the same episode. I don't know, but I think I do. It's so confusing. So the way that they split up these episodes and propagate them online is really confusing. Sometimes it'll be a day old, but it's from season one. And then sometimes it'll be five months old, but it hasn't come out yet. It's really weird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Anyway, the Mountain Monsters, I promised that if I could find part number two of this, that we would play it. Thank you, Phil. I think I found it. In either which way, it's going to be entertaining. You know it is. So let us do that. Let us go ahead and... Let's do that. We will do that. I was trying to think about which charity... I'm so gracious today. Hold on one second. Well, ASPCA. Yes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We were highlighting. But there was... I sent you one this morning. There was like a Feeding America. Yes, there is. But there was a – give me one second. Can you and Christina talk for a second while I talk about this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, I was going to say, we should add on to Christina's roster of responsibilities to make sure your hair looks good. Last looks. Yes. Okay, I don't want to get this wrong. So over the break, I'll check it and we'll make sure that we let you know and put it in the link in the show notes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It's basically, it's an organization that supports women who have been abused and the children that they care for when they're leaving those relationships. This is a super important cause. We donate a lot to the women's shelter down the street. Yeah, we do too. We donate anything that we have used or left over or we bought two of them or whatever happens, we will donate over there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
This is a super important cause because abusive relationships tear down lives. They destroy children and women's lives and men too, to be honest with you. But right now we're focusing on the women. And so we're going to put a link in the show notes to this charity that does just that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They provide shelter, clothing, food, and assistance getting back on their feet and finding their way in the world without all the drama. So please support that cause and also any of the other causes that we've talked about in the 12 Days of TCB
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
If you feel so inclined, you can certainly take a screenshot that you're donating, send it our way, and we'll make sure that we get you some extra TCB swag. Let's take a break, and we'll be back with the Mountain Monsters.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Ding dong.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Ah, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the Ellen of my clerk, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we were discussing, and they support local and national foundations that help women and children who have survived abusive relationships or abusive family situations. So please donate. It's a super important cause. My father really instilled this into us.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
He had four boys, so he instilled into us that being in a relationship that's abusive is never a good thing. And he really, by hitting me, my father made me realize that hitting was not good. I don't know any other way to say it. Anyway, let's transition from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence into the National Coalition Against Violence, or for violence, against monsters.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Our marathon continues, Chrissy. I think we're doing very well. How are you holding up?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Last time we left the mountain monsters, they were chasing that Cherokee devil they had split up and then come back to. I don't know who fucking knows. They were chasing the mind-melting Cherokee devil. You ready to get into this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Sounds like the last woman I dated. Buck. Buck, he's an expert caller.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Chrissy, I think... Because I don't always... I think when you're doing such important work, it's not the title that matters. It's what you're doing, Chrissy. We don't get lost in the details. And yes, every single episode, they change the titles for these guys. Trapper, Professional Bigfoot Hunter. But now he's an expert caller. I don't even know what that means. What's an expert caller?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Never once heard Buck call the monster. Never once.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Because I said so. My name isn't Donald J. Trump.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Are your lips chafed or anything? Do I need to get you some lipsticks, some chapsticks? Do you need water, hydration?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And I don't mean, by Huckleberry, I don't mean the person. I mean the bush. I am hungry. Whoa, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Do you see that? Do you see that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Oh, there we are. Yep, you're right. I did find the second part to this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Where'd she go? He's in a hut that's two foot by two foot, yet he's doing a thorough and exhaustive search for a woman. I think he would see her if she was there. He's looking around like she's under the floorboard. She was right here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Do you need anything? You know those marathoners?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I walked up to that shack and there was no way that little Indian girl could get past me as I shaded most of the door. Now, did you see her? I did, right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Oh, there you go. Do you have eggnog really in there? I wish you did. That'd be a lot cooler if you did, bro. You know those marathoners? They just shit on themselves.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Why can't anyone just use the word saw? I know. You don't seen something. You saw something.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It's a fact. That Cherokee mind-hunting monster is chasing little Indian girls around the woods into this here whack shack. This is the whacking shack.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It is really fucking with Buck's head. Yeah. I bet his therapy bills are high.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, he's the one that yells and screams. But he said it's a spooky damn place. Is it any different than any of the other spooky damn places you've been? I mean, they all seem pretty spooky to me. Yeah. Out in the middle of the woods at night.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And why are they always hunting at night? Why don't they just do something during the day? Have you ever heard of a drone? Take a page out of New Jersey's handbook.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They do? Apparently. Chrissy knows. It's fact.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I spy with my one good eye a mountain monster of my size.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
So I'm going to do that when we get to day number nine or ten.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I've said this from the beginning. These aren't the people, but... I've said this from the beginning, you're so right about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I'm picturing like an entire... You know, like the first infantry division.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Surround the place. Yes. Turn on the high beams.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Get some drones. Maybe a couple of those thermal imaging cameras. Not the kind you buy at Walmart for $10, but the actual thermal imaging. And then you get some people with some experience. You know, people who go to college for this type of stuff and they know about cryptology. Trained. Yeah, trained.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive, And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer. So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
But no, you've got three guys who spend most of their time, let's be honest, brewing moonshine out in the woods in the middle of the night with loaded guns running around, blindly pointing them at things that they don't know. And they always seem to have a mental breakdown now in every episode. This has taken its toll on these guys, I think.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it. You know, there are a lot of people. This was a thing on, I forgot which show, The Stern Show. So one of the guys there liked to go to heavy metal concerts, but he did not want to pee. He would drink a lot of beer. He did not want to go and pee and miss his favorite song. So he admitted on air that he would wear diapers. Now it's a thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
All the fame and fortune that Mountain Monsters brought them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
After Dr. Phil's recent turn, I would not be surprised to see Hucker Buck on one of his shows. We just came. Why is everyone just standing here? Why don't we go say hi to him? So here's the thing. They've now they're now pointing their flashlights at Buck, who is sitting on the forest floor with his back turned to them. My question is, why not just go talk to Buck?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Why are they all whispering behind his back?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I've taken five to ten minutes out of this important time to talk to you, the camera, before I go check on Buck, who's probably dead.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Little Cherokee Devil cakes. You can buy them at the corner store. Need them now. So long.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
She wouldn't call me back. We matched on Tinder. We matched on Tinder and she ghosted me literally.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Damn shit. Damn shit. Damn shit. Damn shit. That whacking shit.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
She broke my heart. He looks like he just got back from a bad date. He does, I know. Am I right about this? Isn't this weird?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
He's gone. I know, he's gone. I saw her. She's gone. He's overwhelmed. I'll tell you what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to open mouth kiss you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I'm going to open mouth kiss you and everything's going to be okay. We're all going to carry you back to the car and then we'll get you some hot cocoa. Buck need huggies. Buck need kissies, huggies.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah. I'm going to start sweeping these ridges.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I'm going to start sweeping the ridges for Huckleberry. You stay here and weep like a child.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I am a weeper myself. I know about crying. I cry at songs. I cry. You know, I'm one of those guys. Emotion overcomes me. I'm not afraid to cry. I just don't know how to do it on command like Buck does.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Now that we've got Buck back with the team, our number one— What is he, a researcher? Researcher. Researcher. Chef. Where's his pad of paper? What's he researching? Responsibility is to find Huckleberry. He's lost. He's somewhere in these woods. We've got to find him. Huckleberry! Huckleberry number one!
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Rock, yes. Rock dick diapers. Rock dick diapers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Huckleberry number two! Huckleberry—ah, whatever. Is there a Huckleberry out there?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
That's where we'll find... It's likely we need to go right back into the arms of the murderous monster in order to find our friend. Because nothing says be a friend like getting yourself killed additionally.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Oh, there's a totem. Chrissy, this is the creepiest Mountain Monsters episode we have seen this week. In here. That's where we found that totem pole.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Did anybody else catch that? It's gone. He went from South Kentucky accent. To Boston? Yeah, to like New England. Like Chesapeake Bay.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It is. Yeah, super weird. Liquid Death, and then it's like, I don't know, in the spirit of Lemmy or something like that. Who knows? I saw the advertisement for it, thought it was a joke, but it's not a joke. Listen, it's just an adult diaper with leather.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
That scared me. It actually did. I thought someone was yelling in my house.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Wow. Mountain Monster's got to rise out of me. Will Huckleberry be dead? Will we find the remains of the Cherokee Devil? I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We'll wait until after we take a break. Remember... We're doing some good this DCB holiday by donating to good charitable causes. And there's a couple of them in the show notes for you. Today, we're focusing on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Christina will put a link in the show notes. Please donate just a couple of bucks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
This time of year is so important for all these charities. That's when they make their money and they do their best work. So if you would, go donate a few bucks to a family in need. We'll take a break. We'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
You change out the diaper, then it's got a leather with a satanic cross on it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Okay, and we're back with Huck, Chuck, Fuck, and Suck. Here on the Mountain Monsters, they're chasing the Cherokee Devil, Chrissy. And they're looking for Huckleberry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They were with the big totem pole. The 14-inch in diameter, 8-foot tall totem pole has now gotten up and walked itself away. It's gone. It's gone with Huckleberry. Huckleberry is also gone.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, kind of, but it's more of a thong with a satanic cross on the front of it. Oh, okay. You know, the six-sided pentagram or whatever it is. Whatever the satanists are into these days. Yes. Whatever the paganists are into.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
What I noticed about Mountain Monsters, now that we've watched so many of these episodes, I'm getting into more of the nuance of the Mountain Monsters, is that a lot of the episode is dedicated to them standing around in the woods talking about what did happen when the cameras were not around.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
So Huckleberry, that's right. It's all Billy's fault. God damn it. It's only one of me. What do you want me to do? I'm busy shaking the camera for you. But this is an interesting thing that I just put together, is that a lot of times the most intense action is only described. It's not seen.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
No, that's just me shaking the camera a lot.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
If you've ever been out in the hills of these Appalachians and you hear somebody scream with all these deep valleys, tall ridges, you have no idea where it's coming from. Trapper, can you see any sign?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
If you know how sound works, then you understand that generally when you hear something coming from a direction, that sound is coming from that direction.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Either something's got a hold of him, or the meth has gotten a little bit too much for him. But either way, we should find him before he takes his overalls off. This is bad.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
is he naked against the tree they always put huckleberry in those situations remember the time he went to like the frozen lake he put yes and he was like wearing a loincloth on the frozen lake i mean to be fair to the group huckleberry probably is the best physique of the group like if you're gonna get naked let it be huckleberry It's Huckleberry. Easy, easy, easy. Easy, easy, easy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Don't help him quite yet. He's off. Let him suffer an additional couple of minutes before we go actually touch him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Hey, listen, Liquid Death is a big... No, not Liquid Death. I know, but they're the company that I think made it as a joke, but now it's real. Now people are admitting that they wear diapers to concerts so they don't miss out. Listen, in 2025, I have already planned to go to more concerts than I have in like 10 years total. I've bought tickets to so many concerts. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
That's hilarious. Huckleberry's hung. He's hung like a Huckleberry. He's got his own twigs of berries. I'm telling you what. Huckleberry is covered in mud. He looks like a Huckleberry. Now he's officially Huckleberry. It looks like a bush running through the... At what cost does this show dignify or indignify people?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
This is the best thing on Mountain Monsters ever. Is that Huckleberry? He is naked as a baby.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
He's holding the totem pole. He's got two poles he's carrying around. If the blur is any indication. Wow, look at that. And that does not look anything like mud. I'm sorry. That is straight, like, crude oil or something. That's paint. Hell, he's gold, dude. Woo, look at that ass.
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He was having a moment. Hey. Giddy. Oh, they're tackling him. Oh, no. Did they say get him? Yeah, it's a kerfuffle. Get him. Get him before he orgasms. No one wants to see that. Quick. Rap is half hard in a cold cloth.
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Get him, get him, get him. Watch out, he's in the water.
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Oh, they jumped into the water. They did jump into the water. Oh, my God. Oh, this has gotten way crazier than I ever expected. Wow. So now we've got Huckleberry fucking a totem pole has been tackled by the rest of the team. Doused in cold water to stop him from jizzing on said totem pole. This is just amazing work on behalf of the Mountain Mountain. Who storyboarded this one out? I want to know.
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Travel Channel, you need a raise. Well, in the good news department, it's probably the first bath in Huckleberry's head. In a little while. In a little while.
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What in the world? These guys are like, they're cutely affectionate toward each other. Do you know what I mean? They are. Now, Huckleberry, I guess, has come to his senses since he's been doused in cold water. He is naked as a jaybird. I mean, the guy is just naked. And now they're petting his head, like, you know, standing above him petting his head.
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Like, you know, which indicates one of two things. Either they're being kind and gentle or someone's waiting for a blowjob. You know what I'm saying? It's just got that look to it. Hey, buddy.
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I'm a wet Huckleberry. Hell yeah! Wee-hee! All's well that ends well. He was fucking a totem pole with the Cherokee monster, but now that he's taking a bath, everything's great.
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But I am at the age where even if I don't drink a lot of beer, I might need the diapers just so I don't miss half the concert. That's just part of what you deal with when you get my age. When you're getting your bell rung four to five times a year. How many times does Jeff get his bell rung a year? This really made me think yesterday. We were talking about the bell ringing.
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we're coming out of my mother's womb walking and running oh i remember what's that walking and running shucking and fucking that's all look huckleberry's had a security oh security doing a fine job huckleberry keeping everybody away from the totem pole
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It was the most beautiful thing in the world. I saw God in my own eyes as I was caressing that totem pole gently, lovingly.
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Well, luckily, we got none of it on tape. Right. Luckily, we got none of it on tape.
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It's a certain kind of fear. Listen, I got to ask this just obvious question, too. Every episode, it's a fresh start. They come back. Everything's great. They're reinvigorated. They're going to new monster, new location.
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If you're really going through all this psychological torture, would it stand to reason that maybe you would take a couple of weeks off, a year off, two years off? You just got caught naked dragging a totem pole around the Appalachian Mountains. Don't you think that requires some vacation time?
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You've taken all our time fooling around with that totem pole. We're going to heal up, mentally and physically.
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Yeah, let's do it. Let's come back and give him some. Yeah, yeah. Let's take a break so I can get to the bar. Yeah.
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How many times has Jeff had his bell rung, do you think?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Well, it is the Cherokee Devil. It's a version of Bigfoot. You've got to understand. There's not just one type of Bigfoot. There are multiple types of Bigfoot. And the mountain monsters are tuned into all of them. They know. They put their ear to the holla. That's fact. Yeah, I put my ear to the holla, and then they figure it out. And it's a fact. That's funny.
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And these guys are determined, one way or the other, to find that Bigfoot. Imagine if they spent this much time, energy, effort, and money actually trying to find a Bigfoot. Maybe they would find Bigfoot. I think so.
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I just can't get over Huckleberry sitting there naked.
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He's just kind of like a puddle of old man just laying there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Listen, I don't look any better naked, but I'm just saying he's just kind of a puddle of an old man. I know. Am I right?
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He really does. He looks woke. But again, I want to remind everybody, I think it's best we're seeing Huckleberry naked and not any of the other guys. That's because I think this is the best of a bad choice. You know what I'm saying?
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And why are they blurring out his chest? He must have a tattoo there that they don't like, yeah.
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I guess the Nazi tattoos don't go over too well on Travel Channel, huh?
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All right, there it is, the second part of that. I think there might be a middle part there that we missed with the manila envelopes.
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We did not see the manila envelopes. But anyway, the mountain monsters did not fail to catch the Cherokee monster. But Huckleberry got a bath, so I guess that's good. Speaking of aliens and monsters, have you been keeping up with the New Jersey drone situation? Yes, I have. The East Coast drone situation?
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People are demanding answers, and I have one for you. They're New Jersey drones. That's what they are. They're drones from New Jersey.
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Hundreds of people, maybe thousands of reported sightings of drones Many people calling them UFOs.
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It wasn't weird back then. It's all of a sudden weird now, which makes me think it really was weird in the first place. It was probably weirder when it was happening than it's not happening. But what are you going to do when a doctor tells you to bend over and whistle Dixie? That's what you do. Take a deep breath. Relax, Brian. Relax. Relax your anus.
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Over New Jersey. Some people think they are Iranian actual like military drones. And some of them are rather large.
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Yes, they can be car size. Drones come in all different sizes. Matter of fact, the U.S. military flies drones that are the size of fighter planes. They're literally planes, autonomous planes. But the kind that you can get commercially available usually don't have battery life more than an hour or two.
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Some people reported seeing them for up to four or five hours up there in similar places, moving in ways that they're not supposed to move. But the U.S. government has assured us, and of course the U.S. government is assuring everybody, that... What we're saying. Yeah, it's safe. Don't worry about it. People are freaking the fuck out.
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They think that aliens have now just they're out there dancing with other drones and airplanes. They're making their move. Essentially, I tend not to believe that. I would love to think that we're finally having contact because that would be really fucking cool and or maybe not. I don't know.
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But all the videos that I've seen, I feel like those could be explained away as either commercially available drones that have something has been put on them, like some kind, you know, people make like Star Trek drones, Star Wars drones. They make drones in all different shapes and sizes. So are these people that are just fucking around? Likely.
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Also, is it possible that there are military or law enforcement drones that are out there also tracking people and the government just doesn't want to say for whatever reason? Yes. Is it likely that they're actual UFOs? No, it's not likely. No. I'd love to believe it. You know we would, but I'm just not convinced. I haven't seen any convincing video.
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Lots of people putting together super shitty fake videos, you know, trying to claim. And there are hundreds of thousands of people collectively on social media that are desperately buying into this. They think this is it. Here it comes. Here's our time. You know, this hysteria has been going on since the 1930s and it's not going to go away anytime soon. Do I believe that there are aliens?
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Absolutely. Do I think they've been here? Maybe. Maybe we're aliens. Maybe we dropped from a meteorite in the sky, or our DNA did, somehow, some way, shape, or form.
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But until someone actually shows me some proof, and there are convincing videos out there, like that military video, but until someone shows me convincing proof, I think this is likely some dickhead in his mom's garage building interesting drones and flying them around New Jersey, and other dickheads in their mom's garage flying other drones because now they want to get on the action and see their drones on social media.
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Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video doorbells, cams, and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list.
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That's my opinion, but stay tuned. We never know. I mean, what do you think?
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And if there are really thousands of sightings of these, someone is going to catch a video, if it is an alien or a UFO, an actual UFO, someone's going to catch a video that is good quality enough that we will be able to see and it will be convincing. If they don't, then it's just dickheads in their mom's garages. That's...
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If there are aliens and they got here, they're either been here for a long time, like octopuses, right, are aliens. Yeah. Or they are so fucking advanced that if they don't want to be seen, they're not going to be seen. If they want to be seen, they'll be seen. And also, if there are UFOs and it's advanced technology, they will fly in ways we have never seen things fly before.
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And again, there are videos out there that are pretty fucking convincing that the military has taken. You remember a couple of years ago that was released. That one still gets my gut. That one still makes me think, wow, maybe they did catch that on video. But so far, the New Jersey drones... Look like New Jersey drones.
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Yeah. It looks like New Jersey drones. So stop fucking around, people. It's not Elon Musk. It's not the aliens. It's just New Jersey drones. I think. My opinion. But you know what? Stay tuned. Tomorrow, we'll be back for more 12 Days of TCB. 13 Days of TCB. 20 Days of TCB. You count. You figure it out. However many episodes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Speaking of anus, so the other day we were talking about Dr. Phil and speaking of doctors and anus, I told you that Dr. Phil had done a series of, let me remember this, he had done a series of commercials for the commercial break.
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I was talking to someone at the network today, and he was like, it actually ends up being 20 straight days. 20 straight days of TCB. That's amazing. We did it.
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Yeah, we're doing it. Which means we only have officially taken off four days the entire December. Isn't that crazy?
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Yes. But our traffic hasn't gone up one bit, so I don't know. No, I'm kidding. Oh, man. All right. Well, we wrapped up that Mountain Monsters nice and neatly. Yeah, and a bow for Christmas. We've still got lots of dating content to come. MTV, old MTV dating shows. The Love Connection. And a very special Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
You know we can only end the year with one kind of bow. And man, are we going to wrap it up for you. So stay tuned to the 12 Days of TCB. In the meantime, like so many of you have, please text us. Let us know how it's going. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. You can also follow us on Instagram at TheCommercialBreak. TCB Podcast on TikTok, or you can go to the website, tcbpodcast.com.
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There's more information about the show, all the audio, all the video right there from one location. If you'd like your free TCB bumper sticker, one that will probably last at least 30 days, go to the website at the contact us button. The dropdown menu says, I want my free sticker. You can give us your physical address and away it will go. Guess what?
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All episodes of The Commercial Break now available on video. We spent all this money to make the studio look nice. Why don't you go watch us look nice on YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Or you can check out the full episodes on Spotify about three days after they air. And I wish I could put them up the very same day, but it doesn't work that way.
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We just have to find a way to make money off that. Then we'll be great. There's a lot of people actually watching them on Spotify. So please tune in to Spotify a couple days after they air here and you can watch it. Donate to all the fantastic causes we've been talking about. The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, St. Jude, ASPCA, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
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So one of the ways you can grow your podcast is to dump a whole shitload of money into having other podcast influencers types to talk about your show. And obviously, it's a paid sponsorship. It happens during the commercial. So it's not like they actually like the show. It's like they're being paid to talk about the show.
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Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for right now.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until tomorrow, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Yes. So one of our first... Like famous people that ever talked about the commercial break because we paid them was Dr. Phil on his little podcast that I can't remember what it was, but he has a couple different podcasts. And one of those, we managed to negotiate a deal with him.
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And unbelievably, it brought us quite a bit of traffic, which was surprising or not surprising, depending on how you look at it. I dug deep in the commercial break archives and I actually found because I'm religious about keeping every single thing.
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I deleted that. I deleted the Dr. Phil commercial, but air play or air drop or air, whatever it is. The what is that? I cloud kept it for me. The air. iCloud kept it for me, and I didn't want to disappoint the listeners. I wanted to follow up on this. One of the benefits of having Christina here is that she reminds me that I say something, and then we have to follow through on it.
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You're easy to ignore. Christina's new to the group.
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I don't want to let her know what an asshole I am quite yet. There's a whole thing with the ladies. I put my best foot forward for at least three months before I let you know what an actual shithead I am. So, Christina, on page eight, I think.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I want to present to you the, I think this is the very first read that Dr. Phil, let's listen to the excitement in Dr. Phil's voice as he talks about ghost fuckers. Go.
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And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They are our paid friends. To be fair to Dr. Phil, I actually wrote a sample script. And I said, if you haven't listened to the show, you can tell him that we paid. So he took my cue from that. But just listen to the enthusiasm of Dr. Phil's. The commercial break. The commercial break. Our new paid friends over the commercial break. By the way, are those dentures? Is that what I'm hearing?
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Am I hearing the dentures? Play it one more time. Is it on stop start?
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He does have a thick tongue. If I've ever seen a tongue... I've never seen a tongue so thick on a man.
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That's what she said. Hey! I mean, that's what you get. So when we were talking about paying influencers the other day to talk about our show... That's kind of what you get. So I even think if we could drum up $3.23 million to get Cristiano Ronaldo to talk about us, I'm sure what we would get was they paid me to say commercial break. Exactly. It's terrible.
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Yeah, and then you wonder why these things kind of, you know, sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Dr. Phil, we had a stroke of luck. There are other people that we have paid that we've not had such luck. It will go remain nameless because they just won't get another order from us. But that's the world of paid influencing.
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And that is why 99.9% of the time when people ask us to do commercial reads for their podcast, I just say no. Because unless it's something that I'm really excited about listening to, it would be really hard for me to give it my full gusto.
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If you listen closely, you will know the difference between a product or service that Brian is excited about and a product or service that Brian is not excited about. If you listen to those commercial reads closely enough. But I never say they've paid us a lot of money to do this. Thank you, Dr. Phil, for all your kindness throughout the years. I mean, listen, can you fault the guy?
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Dr. Phil kind of took a weird left-right turn over the last couple of years. I was never like the world's biggest Dr. Phil fan. My mother was the world's biggest Dr. Phil fan when Dr. Phil offshot from Oprah and had his own show.
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Daytime TV. He was the king of daytime TV for a long time. When he... You know, he was like a cow doctor, I think. He was like a bovine doctor. And then Oprah got sued for saying that meat was murder or something along those lines.
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That was a big deal. And Dr. Phil showed up in her defense. And then somehow, someway, some shape, some form, he ended up on Oprah. I mean, literally, the guy ended up on Oprah giving people advice.
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Yeah, he had a way to cut the mustard, Chrissy.
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And at first, on the Dr. Phil show, it seemed like he was legitimately trying to help people with legitimate family issues. But I don't know. And then it dovetailed, like they all do. Season number three, it went to Jerry Springer-level craziness. And I think we've had some of the most... Do you know the... Who's that girl, Catch Me Outside, Cash Me Outside? Do you know the Cash Me Outside girl?
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Isn't she like a famous musician now? You don't know? Oh, okay. I thought you were looking at me like you knew what I was saying.
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Yeah, Cash Me Outside, how about that? She's become super famous in the social media circles. And the reason why is because she literally told Dr. Phil, catch me outside. And what she meant by that was, I'll kick your ass. Catch me outside because I'll kick your ass. Okay. It turned into one of the most bowdy, rowdy, insane shows ever.
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And Dr. Phil, I think, in my opinion, lost any kind of credibility that a TV psychologist would have otherwise had. But it's high entertainment if you watch it just for that.
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Did you know that she got her start on the Dr. Phil show?
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No, it all started on the Dr. Phil show. Wow. Unless I'm mistaken. Are we really connecting these two together?
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She became best known for her appearance on Dr. Phil, but then became Bad Baby.
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What world are we living in? What insane world are we living in? I can't keep up. I think I saw somebody, I was reading an article the other day, and literally, I read someone's name, it had a dollar sign and an asterisk in it. How do you say dollar sign asterisk? Dollar.
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You are just damning. Unless you are super rich and super famous and you're going to pass that wealth down to your children, you are absolutely dooming your child to a world of... to a miserable life if you put a dollar sign and an asterisk in their name. Of course, maybe they chose that. Maybe that's what they chose. People want to be individuals right now.
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And that's why the Cash Me Outside girls made a career out of it. And we're still suffering and toiling the 12 fucking days of TCB.
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Well, that's true. And he has thousands of episodes. Dr. Phil has to have thousands of episodes. I, I fault us for Dr. Phil. I fault us. Because, yes, he was a straight-talking, like, you know, no-nonsense kind of dad figure, right? He was a parental figure, I think, to millions of people on television who would literally cut through the mustard.
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Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 Days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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It was refreshing to hear someone not tiptoe, to hear a therapist type not tiptoe around things and be sensitive about your feelings, but just tell you how, call it like he saw it. But that quickly turned into some kind of muddled fucking mess.
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Yeah, that's absolutely what they want to see. Maury Povich was a respected reporter at CVS at the pharmacy. he was a respected cbs reporter until he started doing paternity tests on tv and that's what he is best known for and people fucking love it they tune in by the millions to see are you the father which is amazing to me that's amazing well look at what we love on tlc yes
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This episode is sponsored by our new favorite partner, Dollar Shave Club. I could not be more thrilled that one of my favorite brands has joined the commercial break as a sponsor, Dollar Shave Club. Been a customer for a very long time, one very happy customer indeed. It's no surprise that facial hair is personal. It grows on our face.
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Thanks to Dollar Shave Club for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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That one passion in life that, despite all odds and despite some circumstances, you keep going back to because it feels like the thing that you were here to do. You have to keep exploring it, unveiling it, unfolding it, unwrapping it. Even though it's beating you upside the head sometimes, you just keep going into it. These two found volcanoes to be that thing.
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Yes. And the end is... The beginning of the movie shows the end, but the end of the movie is quite sad and surprising, but you'll figure it out.
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I mean... Well, I do, in the sense that... Well, I mean, they showed us a very... They died doing what they love to do. But what's surprising to me is that they found themselves so close to something they knew so well that was going to... be explosive. And then yet they continued to walk toward it. It was just like, guys, you've done this before. Don't do that.
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And then they go over some of the volcano explosions that have happened in the last 40 years that you may not have even heard about, some that you will have heard about, but just how insanely destructive and beautiful volcanoes are.
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Yes, Mount St. Helens was a gray one. Literally, the tectonic plates come together and they burp, essentially. And when they burp, the mountain explodes, the volcano explodes. And that's what happened to Mount St. Helens, like apparently, you know, 17 Hiroshima's worth of power. And that was crazy.
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I do remember, I mean, it was 1981, so I was just a baby, but I remember hearing about that very young in news stories.
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And, you know, that's the earth. That's the earth that we live on. So you must go watch Fire of Love. You must watch the Christopher Reeves documentary. And you must watch TCB on YouTube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Now every episode available on YouTube. That's a whole kind of different documentary. Yes, that's a whole different kind of documentary.
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We're documenting the silly stuff we talk about like other people's television shows and movies.
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Podcast of love. There you go. Brian and Chrissy's new podcast. Five days a week. Available on the Odyssey app for free or wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we'll be back.
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And it makes a huge difference. According to Indeed data, sponsored jobs posted directly on Indeed have 45% more applications than non-sponsored jobs. Plus, with Indeed sponsored jobs, there are no monthly subscriptions, no long-term contracts, and you only pay for results. And listeners of this show will get a $75 sponsored job credit to get your jobs more visibility at Indeed.com slash listen.
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Just go to Indeed.com slash listen right now and support our show by saying you heard about Indeed on this podcast. Indeed.com slash listen. Terms and conditions apply. Hiring? Indeed is all you need.
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I want to talk about a couple of things. Number one, do you know what tripping with Tarte is? Tripping with Tarte? Tripping with Tarte? You know what this is? I do not.
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Tarte, the cosmetic brand. It's got neon in it, so I thought it might have been French. Tarte. Tripping with Tarte. I think I heard one of the girls say Tarte.
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So Tripping with Tarte is apparently a cosmetics line, and that cosmetics line has become quite famous because what they do is they send influencers, makeup influencers or other influencers, a bunch of free shit, and then those influencers talk about Tarte and how wonderful it is and I like to use it for this and how it works and here's how you can use it and all this other stuff.
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Brilliant marketing strategy to great effect. They have done this and now they're a very popular brand, according to my own research that started about 24 hours ago. Yeah. Because I had never heard of the brand before this. But here's the reason why I got on this. There's an influencer, semi-influencer, like she doesn't have a lot of followers, but I find her to be very interesting.
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And she talks about Hollywood type stuff. And she's talked a lot about the chicken fry situation, which is why I followed her originally. Okay.
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So she starts talking about how jealous she is and she wishes that she would get an invite to go on Tripping with Tart, which is apparently a biannual trip that they do where they rent like a private 747, take you to a private island, go down to private beaches and do private things and their gift bags and boxes and Prada and all this other stuff.
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I want to declare here on the commercial break that we are now a makeup influencer podcast. And all I'm going to do is allow my daughters to come in here and put Tarte makeup on me for the rest of the year in the hopes that I get an invite to Tripping with Tarte. Now, I'm sure it's a policy not to invite, you know, straight, white. 40-something-year-old men on Tripping with Tart.
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But I'm happy to stay in a different resort altogether, different island if you want me to. I'm happy to do that as long as I can get a trip. This looks fantastic. And the benefits that these young ladies are experiencing for doing some makeup reviews is amazing. It's amazing. What a time to be alive. Yeah, what a time to be alive.
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Here's... Like just to get in the fray a little bit. Here's how I feel about it.
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It's the makeup for tripping your balls off, tripping with talk.
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Maybe that would make everybody happy. That's right. Maybe they could satisfy the other side of the internet by sending it over to, I don't know, Bonnaroo or something.
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Listen, you know. Marketing strategies are marketing strategies. If you have a product, you have to market it. You have to figure a way to get it in people's hands. And I understand that excesses can seem frivolous a lot of times. It feels very hurtful to those who don't have to watch everybody else get what they get. And that's, yeah.
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Yeah, that's right. They're very upset about the whole Tarte situation. They're throwing a fit. This is, and I don't know anything about this brand, so maybe, you know, I'm uninformed about this. But I think I do remember like a couple of years ago hearing about some influencers kind of talking shit about this because they felt like it got out of hand and now blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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It's a brilliant marketing strategy that worked for probably a small brand that's now a big brand. You're not going to make, it's not?
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Yeah, I think now that I'm putting two and two together, I feel like there were a couple of girls that were complaining about this on the internet.
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Yeah, I agree. I don't disagree with you that it's fucking stupid. That I agree with, right, is that we're sending... people with 30,000 followers on elaborate, expensive vacations so that they can specifically stick their head directly up the ass of a very large brand, according to Christina, a very large brand of cosmetics. But on the flip side, marketing, there is no winners.
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It's like when we market our own podcast. People will say, you know, fuck you. You have to put your, you know, why are you putting ads on Instagram or putting ads out there? Because we have to. We sell a product. The product is our content. We have to get our content out there. We're never going to be pleasing to everybody. If I could get every listener organically, I would love to do that.
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But good luck finding, good luck getting a podcast discovered in 2025 amongst 75 million others. Same with anything else that you sell in the world. You have to be better, faster, stronger. we live in, right?
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Let's send the hillbilly horror stories, guys. Tripping with TCB. Sending you to the Great Wolf Lodge. But you're not getting no rawr package. You're going to be in a bunk bed.
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Depending on the level of influencer, you might or might not get a discount on the ropes course. We will make that decision based on the kind of content you can create.
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I think our first, we have to invite Frankie B. We do. The hillbilly horror story people, whoever they are. And thank you very much for shouting on our podcast. Mountain monsters. Mountain monsters.
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Yeah, but they're not good. They're too big for us. They're too big for us. Frankie B. might be too big for us. Let's be honest about that. But I get it. I mean, I understand how also having worked with a lot of marketing people in the past, there are some real sharp ones that there are some people who just fell into marketing.
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Like when they can't find anything else for you to do, they make you a marketing manager. And that means you have another three months of your job. Marketing management means you at least here for another three months. But, you know, I can see this working in a corporate setting where people are like, dripping with tart. What are we doing this year? Let's, you know, blow our balls even bigger.
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Let's rent out Disney World for seven days and send them all there. And if it works, if the metrics make sense, it's going to keep going because that's the way that it is. This is how consumerism, how our capitalist society works. You've got to get your word out there and you've got to do it. And listen... I don't know anything about Tartt. I don't know the first thing about it.
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There might be a lot of controversy. There might be levels of influencer. But if Chrissy and I, and Christina, I think you'd take the trip if they offered. If you could get us like a small, dinky, we don't even need a plane. Get us an Uber to the local Hojo and give us some free breakfast and we'll trip with Tartt all day long. I'll take a yellow taxi over to the Holiday Inn.
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Well, listen, and I know not everybody's like this, but we generally, and we've been talking about this actually in the studio for the last couple of weeks. We generally, generally, I can't say this about 100% of the time, we've gotten some things wrong, but generally, if someone asks us for a personal endorsement, I will not do it unless I try it, I know it, and I like it.
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That should be the general premise upon all personal endorsements, but it's not. This brings up an interesting... And I'll talk about this in a second. But if everybody did that, like if people are connected with TCB and they like us and they think that we're funny and they like the brand that we have, and I don't even know what that means for TCB, the brand that we have. No brand is some brand.
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Let's send a hillbilly horror stories, guys. Tripping with TCB. Sending you to the Great Wolf Lodge. But you're not getting no rawr package. You're going to be in a bunk bed.
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Yeah. And then they hear us talking about, you know, why Brian 3000? Maybe they trust that that'll make their dicks hard and they go out and they try and use it. Same with Tart. Tart, there's also just like a level of branding, a consumer awareness about this. And next time you go to the store, you go to Ulta or wherever and you see.
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Yeah, you say, hey, I'll try it. That girl tried it. I like her content. Why not? Let's see. She looks pretty. I like that color. She did a great job. Let's do it. There's an interesting thing that's going on right now with influencers. Two things converging at the same time. Number one, the SEC is saying you must not lie to the consumer.
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We all grow it, we all shave it, and all of us style it differently. That's what makes us all unique and interesting and honestly, I think that's pretty fucking great. Dollar Shave Club is for everybody and every budget.
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If you do not know or use the product, you cannot say you know or use the product. And if you do... And we find out about it, you're in big trouble. And they are coming down on influencers. There's a famous case right now running around the federal court system of an influencer who was sending people to use something and he apparently had never tried it and it made a bunch of people sick.
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There's also the big honey scandal that's going on right now. I don't know if you know of honey.
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No tits. No vaginas. No douches. No douches. Or bras. Yeah. This is a chrome extension for your brows.
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Many influencers, especially across YouTube, have gotten paid gobs of money from Honey to create custom segments, to do custom shows, to do custom ad reads, and apparently Honey was very easy to deal with. Sponsors sometimes can be very difficult. I'm not going to name the brand, but there was one brand. I was 17 ad reads in, and they were nitpicking single words.
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Depending on the level of influencer, you might or might not get a discount on the ropes course.
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This is a major brand who would have brought a lot of money to the show, and I said, no, thank you.
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Because if the first one's a nightmare, the fifth one's going to be even worse. And I'm sorry I don't want your money. And let's be honest, I've talked a lot of shit about their brand on here. But anyway, that's besides the point. The thing is that Honey, to find an easy sponsor to deal with, is kind of like the gold of sponsorships.
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Because if they say, I trust you, go do your thing, run with it, which most of our sponsors do to their credit. They let me do my thing, they let us do our thing, and then we run with it. So Honey, this browser extension that has been around for a while, 300 million downloads or something like that, what they do is they go scan the internet for coupon codes.
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This one, Honey, was doing this. So many influencers got caught up getting paid gobs of money from... Honey, and now they have contractual obligations to keep those ads running. Well, guess what? Honey was making deals with the retailers to put in the least damaging coupon code to the retailer example. I go to Target.com. I pick out 10 things.
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Honey goes out there and finds three coupon codes for 20% off. They had a backdoor deal with Target to insert a 5% off coupon, even though the 20% coupon was available out there. Sneaky, sneaky. Secondly, Honey was dropping in their own affiliate codes at the same time. So they were scrubbing the affiliate code of the influencer and they were dropping in their own code.
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That is fucked up. It's a total scam. Unplug Honey if you have it plugged in. Unplug it because it's not good. You're just going to do it the old-fashioned way and cut out coupons like my mom did. Like those people on... Coupon King or whatever it is on TLC like they do. You're going to just have to go do it the old-fashioned way. But Honey is like an all-out, bold-faced, balls-out scam.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens. Welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Green. This is the Robbie Williams to my Graham Norton, Kristen Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. You probably know neither of those names that I just mentioned, Graham Norton or Robbie Williams. You know Graham Norton?
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People were getting scammed, and Honey was taking the money from the same influencers it was supposedly supporting. That's crazy. It's insane. Marketing is hard. Marketing is hard work. And it doesn't always work. And you got to keep going. And you can never stop spending. And you always have to try new things.
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Take it from people who, quite frankly, have spent a lot of money on marketing the show. It's part of the reason of the success. And then the other part is organic or word of mouth or whatever it is. But marketing is hard. So I understand when you hit on something that seems like it's working, you stick with it. And you might get a little silly with the fucking shit like Tarte is.
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But Honey took it, you know, they were just running a scam and just paying influencers to do this.
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A couple of years ago, yeah. So PayPal, again, treating everybody with kindness and respect. I mean, I swear on all that's holy, like... I want to be a billionaire, but not at the expense of everybody else. It's just like, I just don't want to do that. And it seems like the more you look... And maybe I'm just opening my eyes to this now because I've been blinded also by the American dream.
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The more you look, the more you understand... Not many people have done that. I mean, not many people, not many billionaires have done that. They all are just kind of stepping on the heads of everybody else around them in order to absorb that wealth. I ain't mad at the wealth. I'd love it. I don't believe in the redistribution of wealth at all.
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But I think that, you know, and we had that comment from our friend Sean at the expense. Yeah. Yeah. At the expense of other people, and I'm not going to get into a whole other rant, but wow. And then, I won't even get into it.
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Before Brian just feels way too tempted to get on his high horse, let's take a break and I'll knock, I'll put on my smoke machine and I'll knock myself down a couple pegs. We'll be back.
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The very famous, he's like our Dave Letterman over there in the UK. That's right. And Robbie Williams, of course, the famous, not so famous pop star, signed one of the biggest recording contracts in history.
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All right. Welcome back. I'm down. Down off my high horse now. So I'm going to just move on from profiteering billionaires, from tarting and tripping and tarting and honey douching and all that other stuff. The big douche is the reason why we're all in this together. Big bras and big douche. That's why we're all in this together. Yeah. Brian. Brian.
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Now I've totally forgot what I wanted to talk about. What was it I wanted to talk about?
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I can't tell you any latest on the chicken fry because chicken fry is, you know, it's kind of the whole drama has settled down, I think. What's-her-name did a good job of tampering it down a little bit, fanning the flames. That's what I wanted to talk about was the wildfires in L.A. Let's take just one minute out of our day. Yeah, to recognize that. There's a reason. Let me explain, too.
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It seems like no one in America has ever heard of him because that movie that he did, Better Man, just failed miserably at the box offices, raking in $580,000 this last weekend, which is not a killer start.
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Usually on Fridays we would do some kind of video breakdown and review. I feel like after last week's ball fest, maybe we should give it a break. We had a number of people write in about this, by the way, the ball fest.
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No, I think everybody took it in good fun, but some people thought it was a little much. Hearing the descriptions were a little much.
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They did not have to see it in full glory. And directly after that, we had our TV went out here in the studio that plays those videos. I think even the TV had too much.
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I can die now in peace. It's short-circuited because of the snowstorm here in Atlanta, which came and went and did not cause a whole bunch of drama. Some people had no power for 24. One of our friends here near where I live was out. They were out without power for like 20 hours. Really? It came back on for three hours. It went out for another 12 hours, which was just terrible.
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And they have small children. And so I asked Astrid, I said, well, why don't they just go? They have like friends that live close. Yeah. Because it didn't end up being some big ice event that all, you know, crowded us all in and we couldn't go anywhere. It ended up being a relatively beautiful event where the kids got to play in the snow. It was really pretty. Everybody in town had fun.
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Yeah, yeah, they're crazy. And I got to give it to the local news. They had coverage live, you know, most of the day on Friday. I do have to give it to the news. I think they did a good job of not making it overly dramatic. They had people out at Piedmont Park. Piedmont Park is the big, like, our central park here. And there's a couple of big hills in Piedmont Park.
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Inner tubes and baking sheets and all kind of, because we don't sell sleds here in Atlanta. There were people snowboarding and skiing. They were having a good time out there, and the news was having a good time with them, not making it overly dramatic. Of course, there were people who got socked in and didn't have power and had to suffer through the cold a little bit.
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I mean, I don't know. It could have been four or five. I didn't really know, but it covered the grass. It was enough for us to go out. Everything was white. Everything was covered. And it was enough for us to go out there and play for a little while. Then it turned to sleet, then ice, then rain, and then back to ice. But luckily, luckily, we didn't have our power go out.
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And it didn't seem like there was much damage in the city. Anyway, just a nice snow event. But it was hard to for me to like I wanted to post stuff about it. It was hard for me to do that, knowing that some of our friends and family and people that work with the show, because L.A. is the entertainment capital of the world.
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I'm all confused about why we need the monkey. But, like, apparently the monkey was supposed to be the thing. Yeah, but it was supposed to be the thing that drew people in if they didn't know Robbie Williams. It's like, oh, there's a monkey. Let's go see the monkey. But I have no interest in seeing movies of monkeys. I didn't like Smokey and the Bandit. Or what was that movie?
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And despite us being far from entertaining, we actually have people that work in the entertainment capital of the world. Our booking agency, our talent agent, our attorney, they all live out there. And they spent the weekend running scared, some of them, this last weekend, running scared. What a terrible fucking situation out there. Apocalyptic, nightmarish. We've already talked about this.
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so sad and here's what i want to say like i think we'll have plenty of time to run blame around and say we could have done this and we could have done that uh you know i really hope that the one thing that happened in hawaii that they tried to stop from happening but i don't know that it happened 100 i don't think it stopped 100 doesn't happen in la and that is that these people who lost their homes maybe some of all their net worth just tied up in these big homes yeah you might be rich on paper but if your home goes up in flames and the insurance company won't pay you out
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You may be broke as I am. And I hope that the hedge funds and these money men don't come in and make this a total grab ass fest. Land grab. Because that's what happens when these events happen, when these terrible, you know, it's a well-known phenomenon.
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when a natural disaster happens like down in west palm or miami or anywhere in florida these hurricanes come through or in new orleans or in california when earthquake earthquakes come through these fires come through that the money men come in and they land grab it's what they do you you know it's like why did the snake bite me because that's what snakes do the the money man and the land man they'll come in and they'll do that
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I just really hope that these people in California, they see some justice, they don't get their insurance policies pulled, and that they find some refuge in this nightmarish situation. I don't know that we, maybe besides the earthquake of San Francisco, that we in our lifetimes have seen a disaster like this, not even the hurricanes. The hurricanes, at least you see them coming.
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You know what I'm saying? At least you can say, holy shit, that's coming. I better get out of the way, whether you choose to or not. That's a different story altogether. But this is just like how fast these fires are engulfing entire neighborhoods.
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Yeah. If you had a fire insurance policy, you should be paid out. And I understand the insurance company's job is to make money, but you can't pull the insurance retroactively. That should be at least illegal under any circumstances. And I hope that California, the regulation board, holds their feet to the fire. They need to pay out.
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The one that Burt Reynolds did with the monkey? Do you remember that?
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That will also mean, I guarantee you, a bailout from the government because the insurance companies will go under because insurance companies don't plan on 100,000 structures going up at one time. That means the insurance companies will tilt and they will go under. The government will have to come bail them out. I hope they do the right thing. And bail the insurance companies out.
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So the insurance companies continue to do what they do, and that's help people in desperate times. And if you're out in L.A. and for some incredibly strange reason are listening to the commercial break, we're going to put links up to 211 and Airbnb.org, two organizations that are helping people find long-term services.
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And in some cases, completely free. In some cases. I say that you have to fill out some paperwork. Of course you do. That's just the terrible part about this situation is indignity after indignity. But that's the way it's going to work. But I looked into this and yes, Airbnb will provide you free housing if you qualify for that free service.
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Jim Jim and the Bing Bang Boys? There was a time in the 80s when everybody had a chimpanzee in their movie.
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Whether you like to go smooth like a baby's bottom or you're maintaining a fantastic manscaped beard like I do, Dollar Shave Club offers grooming products that are always high quality and always the right price. So let me introduce you to some of their top sellers. I think they're going to make your grooming routine feel like a spa day.
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And then to all of our friends and family out there, if there's anything that we can do, please just let us know. We love you very much. And I'm sure even though this is coming out a couple of days after we record it, I'm sure this will be ongoing because here come the Santa Anta winds. And as I talked about when we were off air, those Santa Anta winds are no joke.
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100 miles per hour is not unusual. And that's insane. Those are hurricane force winds. Yeah. Very strong. Fanning a fire the size of Brooklyn.
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Yeah, but I think it's also, it can be very arid and dry out there. Yeah.
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Yeah, it's all just terrible. And idiots who are setting fires.
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And idiots who are setting fires. I'm not a conspiracy theorist, but there are videos going around of people getting arrested for starting fires. It's like, what are you? I mean, I don't know. Who knows in the year of 2025? The commercial break's about to reach 800 episodes, and people are setting fires. And Great Wolf Lodge is a thing where people go and pay good money. And Tarte.
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Tripping with Tarte is still happening. And, honey, the douche and the browser extension are both bad for your health. So just remember.
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Yeah, it was like we all went chim crazy until they started ripping people's faces off.
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No, I don't. Yeah, not the bra. And I don't know that the douche. Please, don't write me.
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Hey, all right. Christina does personal endorsements for Honey to not do. Anti-douching.
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She's an OB-GYN. She's an OB-GYN. I like that. I'm going to start using that word. Hey, babe, did you go to your OB-GYN?
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Oh, is that how they refer to themselves as OBGYNs? That's what my sister says. Oh, really?
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Yeah, I say OBGYN, but then I'm a man who doesn't want to get that part wrong. Do you know what I'm saying?
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When Astrid's been pregnant. Yeah. I have been to every available appointment except during COVID when there was about three months where they just had a policy really couldn't go.
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Yeah. And that was absolutely miserable. I went to every appointment to the point where the nurses were like, I think you've set a husband record for being at every appointment. Yeah. I couldn't tell if they thought that was creepy or if they were giving me a pat on the back. You know what I'm saying? You got an OB-GYN kink. I got an OB-GYN kink. I want to be there.
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Well, I also got along with the OB guys. I got along with the obstetrician, the optometrist. I also got along with her eye doctor, the optometrist.
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Santa-anta wins. I bet we could make a whole episode out of Brian just misspeaking.
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For sure. All right. That's it. Donate to those poor people out in California. Have yourself a great weekend. Remember that Gustavo, I, and Chrissy are going to be here tomorrow for a very special episode of The Commercial Break celebrating Venezuela versus the United States down in Miami. Game starts at 3 p.m. tomorrow. Oh, wait. Is this a Thursday episode?
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According to my notes, but you might have changed it. I don't know. Anyway, if it's Thursday, it's Thursday. If it's Friday, it's Friday. Have a good week. Either we'll be here tomorrow or we'll be here tomorrow. One of those two things will happen. But Saturday, United States versus Venezuela playing at 3 p.m. on Max and TNT and other places. You can check it out. That's going to be a good game.
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I'm looking forward to it. And in celebration of Venezuela versus United States, it'll be Gustavo versus Brian here in the studio. So tune in on a special Saturday episode of The Commercial Break, which we'll be doing from time to time in 2025. Because we record enough, we figure we might as well let people listen to them. There you go. Also, 211 if you're out in the L.A. area, airbnb.org.
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But actually, Tatanka is from Dancing with Wolves, so I have my movies mixed up. But that's not unusual for me, so there you go. Tatanka, it was the name of the buffalo in Dancing with Wolves.
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We'll put links in the show notes. If you need, you or anybody you know need help finding shelter or long-term assistance, those are so far two reputable places I have seen. So we'll put those links in the show notes. Make sure you check out Roy Wood Jr. 's. Brand new special available now. So you can check that out.
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That's right. That's available on Disney's Hulu. And what else? Yeah, go to RoyWoodJR.com to find out more information, all his shows and all that other stuff. It's all available on his website. Thank you so much for him coming in. TCBpodcast.com, that's our website. Go there for more information about the show. All the audio, all the video available right there at one location.
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You can also get your free TCB swag. Hit the drop-down menu on the Contact Us button. It says, I want my free swag. You'll get it. Just give us your address. 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, contents, ideas. We take them all in text message or voicemail. Either or, we'll get back to you. We promise we will.
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Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. For all of our episodes, full length, now available right there on the channel. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe.
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Okay. Well, I like to call him Tatanka because that makes me feel better. Okay. He was born in a peach tree dish. Oh. Petri dish. Here's the reason why I even got started on this. I was reading Rotten Tomatoes, best movies of 2024, as we head into the Oscar season here. And, yeah. Don't know that I've seen any of these. These are the ones that Rotten Tomatoes picked out.
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Onora, which is apparently one of the best movies ever made, according to some people.
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This is... This is the movie where the girl meets the Russian like oligarchs kid and they have like one wild night and they get married. And apparently it's like one of the funniest movies in the world until the last 30 minutes when it's one of the most heartbreaking movies in the world.
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Don't know. I don't know much more besides that. I do want to see it. I would see it. Chasing Amy. Have you seen Chasing Amy?
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A joyous movie theater experience. A live-action cartoon reminiscent of Looney Tunes and silent movie slapstick comedies about a drunken Applejack salesman at war with some beavers. Oh, I did see the trailer for this. Yes, I do want to see this. I do want to see this movie. Check out the trailer. I think you'll probably want to see it, too.
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Sells Apple Jacks. You know, the cereal that everyone liked back in the 90s. Yeah. I loved Apple Jacks. So good. There's now in the TV section, Mr. and Mrs. Smith season one.
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I don't know why everybody's, I watched the first episode and I don't know why everybody's going so crazy over this television show.
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And anybody who listens to the commercial break knows how much I like a spa day. The Club Series 6 Blade Razor. This isn't just any razor. It's a mini vacation for your face. It's got six stainless steel blades and a vitamin E infused lubricant strip. This razor delivers the closest, most comfortable shave. Honestly, I feel just a little too pampered after I use this.
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which I desperately want to be such a fantastic television show. And moments there are, and I can finally believe that guy does something else besides The Office.
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Yeah, but it doesn't all come together in a way that I think is pleasing. And I thought Mrs. and Mr. Smith was that way.
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Speaking of people dating high school girls, isn't Nosferatu about an old vampire that comes and makes some young girl orgasmic or something like that? Like the actual story? I think it is.
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Probably. Superman, the Christopher Reeve story was pointed out.
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This is a movie you must watch. And if you ugly cry, don't do it around ones you love. Because this is a movie that will make you ugly cry. I watched this a couple weeks ago when we were on the break. It's giving me chills just to think about it. Christopher Reeve.
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Was by all accounts, not only a very intelligent man, but a very wrapped up in himself man who was worried about all outside appearances and a ladies man and a coxswain and a guy who maybe didn't treat his first wife very well. And they had a child. Right. And he just kind of was trying to—he was sorting his wild oats as a guy who was becoming very famous doing Superman. Playing Superman.
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And also struggling with the fact that he was Superman. And that he didn't feel like a Superman because he didn't feel like he was being a very good person. But everyone was looking at him like he was Superman. Not to say he was a bad guy. He was just an actor. He was an actor of great— Like, physical appearances.
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And he, by accounts of people who loved him and his own words, didn't really know what to make of it all. And was really having a hard time with that.
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There was a movie and a television show, I think. And that television show was very popular. And it was played by kind of a portly man. I mean, I guess he would have been considered like a strongman back then. That typical kind of strongman look of back in the 40s and 50s, you know, has a little extra weight on him and big and burly. But Christopher Reeves was chiseled out of a stone.
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I mean, the guy was like, he was a beautiful man, right? There's no other way to put it. And when they approached him to play Superman... The director of Superman was trying to make a serious comic book movie, and everyone laughed at the idea. They all thought this was going to be absolutely ridiculous. Many people advised Christopher not to do this movie. He would be laughed out of Hollywood.
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And man, could they not have been more mistaken about that. It was huge success. Superman, the original movie, to this day, to me, is a great movie. So is Superman 2. Superman 3 and 4 get kind of silly, but... Have you seen Superman, the original Superman movie? I don't think so. Maybe.
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And the precision trimmer is perfect for getting those little detailed areas like right under the nose or around your jawline. Because when you're going to keep it high and tight... You need to get it precise. But don't take my word for it. Try it for yourself. Dollar Shave Club products are now available anywhere.
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It was the 80s, yeah. But you should watch it. I mean, I know you might not be into it, but it's a good story and it's interesting.
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Don't expect CGI miracles out of this movie. But they did a pretty good job. They did, yeah. Given the circumstances.
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Yeah. And Margot... Somebody? Was it Margot Robbie? Margot Robbie?
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So anyway, so Christopher Reeves goes on to do for Superman. He really has a hard time breaking away from Superman and he never does. He imbibes in his life of women and wine and partying and being very famous. And he also loves horses and always has loved horses. And he falls off a horse and has a one in a million accident falling off a horse and is paralyzed.
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I think the irony is the story. The irony is the great story of Christopher Reeves. He had his new wife. They had young children. And apparently they were having a hard time keeping him alive at first. He had a lot of problems. And the doctors... said, you know, we can... This can go either way.
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And there was... I don't know if it was presented as a choice, but there was some indication that, you know, if you didn't fight... then you could give up and that would be that. You could pull the plug, essentially. And his wife came in and said, you know, I didn't fall in love with you for your body. I fell in love with you for who you are. And in that moment, he made a choice to stay alive.
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And that starts the great journey of Christopher Reeve, changing not only his life and many around him, but then many people, he becomes a Superman to many people who desperately needed a Superman. And that's the beauty of his story is that he fought, valiantly to make sure life was better for people he otherwise would have looked over and looked down on in his previous life.
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So you can order them from the website, Amazon, or get them at your favorite retailer near you. That's what I do. Alternatively, you can visit the site right now for 20% off, $20 or more, and get your products delivered right to your door. Visit dollarshaveclub.com slash TCB and use the code TCB for 20% off, $20 or more. And remember, whatever you shave, welcome to the club.
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And only Superman could have done that. Only Superman could have done. Only Superman could have imparted that kind of power and wisdom and What a story.
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It's on HBO Max. Yeah. And so you must watch it. I mean, again, don't... This is an ugly cry. An ugly cry is coming at least twice in the movie. And at the end of the movie, it's just a gut punch. All of his kids are in it. Both of his wives are in it. Apparently... His ex-wife became a great friend of the family, and they all parented together.
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And his current wife, or the wife that he had when he died, also became a great advocate in a lot of ways for the disabled community and still continues that work. And his kids are in varying degrees of still grieving, and that's evident on the screen. But the way that this movie is put together is like a Superman movie.
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And the imagery of Superman and some of the imagery from those movies is used to great effect and great sadness at moments and great power at other moments. So I know we shouldn't get this serious on the show, but I really wanted to talk about it. And now that we're reviewing these movies, I thought I would share that I was really, really excited.
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Impacted by this movie. It was one of these things where I was like sitting here doing editing or whatever I was doing. And then I put it on in the background. In about 20 minutes in, I turned around and I didn't stop. I couldn't look away. And then Astrid walked in on me crying. And I said, I have something in my eye.
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It was so, I have never seen imagery in a movie like this before in my entire life. Fire of Love. Yes.
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At a time when... that volcanology was not even a thing. These two kind of became rock stars of the volcanologists, probably some of the most famous volcanologists that ever lived by some other volcanologist account, the most famous that lived. They became personalities inside of that world and brought volcanoes to the masses in a lot of ways that people hadn't seen.
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And the reason, the way that they did that and the reasons why they did that are unveiled in this documentary that is using their own footage that is
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absolutely insane how these people were literally standing in the middle of volcanoes not so close they're there they're in it they're in wrapped in fire and lava and they're stepping in it and swimming in it and i don't even know how to explain it you have to watch this movie
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I just told all the young people that work up at Starbucks, we were all talking about some getting excited about Severance season two. They were somebody mentioned a documentary. I said, you have to watch Fire of Love and how it's on Hulu. You know, I think we all have that one thing, or I hope we all find that one thing. Podcasting may be it for me, or the microphone may be it for me.
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We do love you, Sarah. And that is a fantastic story. And this is a good reminder here on Valentine's Day. That there's no rush. You can just take things at your own pace. I think the kids today, the youngsters, the youths today, they feel like they have to rush and make a decision about who they're going to marry within a day. The people get ghosted. They go on half a date and they get ghosted.
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They make no decision. Take your time to get to know somebody and then go on a seven-day cruise with them. Listen, this is coming from a guy who literally dragged Astrid to Atlanta within a month of meeting her. That's true. For an entire 10 days away from her friends and family. But that was a situation where we clearly knew, like, there was something in the ethos.
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You had to have had some kind of red flag with Trevor before you went on a cruise. I don't think you just showed up to the cruise and all of a sudden he started throwing red flags.
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Yeah, I'm assuming this... He's sunburned. He's drunk. He's blaming you. He's trying to play PS3 on the wall, I guess. I'm not sure. He's getting jealous of the cruise direct. Listen, the whole thing just sounds like a shit show. Congratulations on making one really smart choice, and that's breaking up with Trevor.
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I believe in fate. Everything happens for a reason. And believing in fate is... You're either all in or all out. Think about this for a second. If one thing happens for a reason, every other thing also happens for a reason. It's like you can't be kind of pregnant. You can't kind of believe in fate. So Chrissy might be right about this. Maybe this was just...
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the universe's way of accelerating your knowledge of not wanting to be with trevor trevor was not the guy and listen now having known a few trevors in my life i can totally understand where you're coming from with this they all seem to drink a lot all the trevors that i know seem to drink a lot that's true yeah again this is coming from a guy who drank a lot but you know if it wasn't for children i'd still be 18 bud lights deep by three o'clock in the afternoon most days uh but hey
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Sarah, thank you very much for writing in. It was a well-thought-out, well-written email. A-plus marks all around for punctuation and for storytelling and everything. Teacher Professor Brian gives you A-plus. A-plus. In red. In red. Yes. In red to indicate that I could at any time give you less marks. That's right. All right, let's do this. I got a fun game to play here for Valentine's Day.
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Sweet or psycho? Let's make some decisions about the gifts that we could give for Valentine's Day. Are they sweet or are they psycho? We'll be back and we'll talk about it.
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But here's where it got terrible. As I was flipping through the pictures, looking at the photographs, getting myself all excited, I realized that she was not the person taking the photographs. Like, this was before iPhones had that capability. And on one of the photographs, there was a mirror behind her, and you could see the flash and the hand of a man. So I was like, oh, well, thanks.
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All right. So I was in the shower and I was thinking about what can we do something fun for Valentine's Day? And, you know, there's a lot of different things that people talk about on Valentine's Day podcasts like ours talk about on Valentine's Day. But I was thinking about all the gifts that I've gotten over the years from various lovers and of the sort lovers. That's what I like to call them.
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Yes, former lovers, former mistresses of the night, if you will, Chrissy. I was known to be a coxswain in my younger years. I saw it. I didn't get laid much, but, you know.
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Not real phone numbers. That's right. You were my wing girl. I had a thing. It was a thing. You did. I wasn't like a pickup artist. I certainly wasn't walking home with girls all over my shoulders every single night. You know, I wasn't that guy. But I had a way of wearing you down. You did. Mainly bartenders. I think I've shared this before. By the end of the night.
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Yeah, by the end of the night, it's likely that that bartender wanted a big tip and she was willing to give me a fake phone number in order to get it. But I would I was never a pickup line kind of guy. I never imposed on anybody. I wasn't touchy or, you know, I mean, I would be touchy if I knew you, but I wasn't touchy. Like, you know, I didn't come up and grab women or anything like that.
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I wasn't like a Casanova. I just used my wit and my charm to eventually make you so irritated that you would give me your phone number. Just like here on the commercial break. I make you so irritated. Eventually you subscribe. But that that was my nature. But, you know, some of these ladies, they were very sweet and they would get me a little something on Valentine's Day.
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And occasionally those things were, I took as intended. Sometimes I think that, what is the worst Valentine's Day gift you've ever gotten?
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Yeah. I'm changing thoughts real quick, but I just want, I'm curious about this.
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I think probably the worst Valentine's Day gift that I got was from a young lady. I think I've told this story before. She just came on a little too strong. And when I say a little too strong, I mean a lot too strong. I came home when we had just started talking and kind of got a little long distance romance. She came into town when I was at work one day.
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I left my apartment door open so she could come there and we could meet to go to dinner. And when I got there, she was naked on my couch, spread eagle. And she was like, let's walk off together. And I was like, whack off together. You just got, I just, this is the first time I've physically seen you in person. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but it felt a little weird. Yeah.
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It felt too soon, too much, too soon. And she gave me a series of pictures in like a flip book that were very graphic. Which was great. Fine. Wonderful. Right. I could appreciate that's a sexy thing to do. I felt like it was a little bit too much for Valentine's Day, given we had only been seeing each other for a month and like kind of even loosely seeing each other for a month.
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But here's where it got terrible. As I was flipping through the pictures, looking at the photographs. getting myself all excited, I realized that she was not the person taking the photographs. Like this was before iPhones had that capability. And on one of the photographs, there was a mirror behind her and you could see the flash and the hand of a man. So I was like, oh, well, thanks.
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Yeah, and when I asked her about this, she was like, well, I had taken them with someone else, but I really felt like they were, you know, I could give them to you and you'd make good use of them. I was like, yeah, thanks. I appreciate it. I one time tried to break up with somebody on a Valentine's Day.
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You know who? The first time I tried to break up and I just got like, I don't know what happened. I consider myself pretty slick. And like, you know, I think that I have a good head on my shoulders. I went in there with the full intention of disconnecting this relationship because there were just way too many red flags to ignore early on. We're talking like a month into the relationship.
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And I don't know what happened. It went from let's break up to we fucked. And then we were like, and then like in 15 minutes, it was like. I think it's best if we don't see each other to flipping it around. All of a sudden, we're having sex, and then three years later, I'm breaking up with her again. It was really weird, actually. I don't know.
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There was some kind of magic spell or something that she put on me.
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The hard ones were the hard ones. And Raphael was staying at my house at the time, because I was having a lot of agita about the fact that we were supposed to see each other. It was Valentine's Day. We had been dating for very little time. I do remember.
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Yeah. So I decided to do it on Valentine's Day. Well, I got convinced by Raphael. Rafa was like, listen, it doesn't matter what day. No day is a good day. The day after Valentine's Day, the day before Valentine's Day. And I was having a lot of stress about this. I was like, I just don't think it's the right thing to do. And he was like, dude, you're going to see her. You know this is bad news.
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Just be kind and tell her the truth. It's not like you guys have been dating for four years. Like she's expecting something.
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Yeah. No. It's not like you're going to put a ring on her finger and then all of a sudden you break up with her. Just share with her. And we weren't even going out on a date. We were just meeting up after she got off of work. So she comes over to the, you know, we go somewhere. She comes over to the house and I say, hey, listen, this really isn't working out. And then I don't know what happened.
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The rest of the night is a blur. I just remember. She whabammed you.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the Casanova. To my salt bae, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Congratulations. Things worked out great. Love of your life.
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Some Valentine's Day gifts were just not meant to be given, and some could be considered sweet or psycho, like some nude photographs that were taken by another man. Right. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. All right. So I got a list of these together, and I thought it would be good to make a decision about whether or not these gifts are sweet or psycho. Oh, yeah.
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This is the dating game. The dating game. This is the dating game. The original dating game. The very one. Okay, you ready? Yes. Sweet or Psycho? A live singing telegram. A live singing telegram. Sweet or Psycho? Weird. Weird. What are they singing? That's true. What are they singing is a good question.
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I think under any circumstances, someone shows up to my door to sing an actual holiday greeting card. Yeah. I'm done.
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I say, no, that's not for me. I guess it depends on how long I've been dating.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. And happy Valentine's Day to those who do, to those who partake, to those who believe in love, in romance, in wooing the one you care about. Congratulations to you. I hope you're doing something special for this day. Though Astrid and I do not make a big deal out of Valentine's Day.
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Yeah, let's say this is you've been dating a month. This is not a long-term relationship. No long-term. Because long-term relationships, anything goes.
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And listen, everybody's a little psycho. You know what I'm saying? Everyone's a little psycho.
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Yes, that's right. You know, there's a relationship that's breaking up in my universe, and everyone's acting a little nutty. Oh, right. But everyone acts a little nutty when things get stressful in a relationship. Do you know what I'm saying? Love can make you do stupid shit. We just heard Sarah say it. She went on a three-day, seven-day cruise with a dum-dum, with a PS5 controller and no shirts.
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Trevor. Trevor. Fucker. A very large sculpture made of chocolate of yourself. What? No. Absolutely creepy. Call the police immediately. Yes. And does it melt? Like, I mean, big chocolate things. No, just stay away from big chocolate things. Get real good chocolate, like Godiva's or one of those fancy brands. A boutique, a bouquet of hot dogs instead of flowers. No. Romantic or revolting.
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Unless you really love hot dogs. That's like your thing. I do like hot dogs. I don't think I'm allowed to eat them anymore, but I do like hot dogs. My hypertension won't let me. But I will say, if I'm a big hot dog fan. Yeah.
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It's kind of sweet. It's kind of funny and kind of sweet. A personalized romance novel where your partner is the Casanova, like your partner is the main character.
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Yeah, then you're the person getting fucked, I guess. Like a hot and steamy romance novel made by ChatGPT just for you.
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I agree. I think what might be hot and steamy is just like me. doing the Santa Claus porn reading, which some people liked and some people found revolting, I would say that that might be sexy to get into a bedroom with somebody and start reading some hot porn. Totally. Yeah, get all jizzed up. Hot stories.
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True. Yes. He or she. I can't do that. I'm not physically capable of most things. Missionary, you want to be on top? That's perfect for me. I like that. I like that. I'll sit there and listen. I practice tantra. I can go for five, six, seven straight minutes. And then give me five, six, seven hours and I'll go back for another five, six, seven minutes. Maybe even eight minutes on the second time.
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A little less sensitive. You know how it goes, Chrissy. I don't need to tell you. You and Jeff are over there doing your own romance novel. Yeah. You porn actors and actresses. Let's say someone takes you to a hotel where they have a heart-shaped bathtub jacuzzi.
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Yeah, maybe it's funny. And, you know, they still have these around. They do. Yeah. You know, I think Niagara Falls was, like, famous for inventing this whole bathtub jacuzzi in the room. When Astrid and I went to the Hard Rock in the Dominican Republic, and they had a jacuzzi with a waterfall that came down into the jacuzzi right in the middle of the room. Right in the middle of the room.
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Yeah, I find it to be a hallmark card kind of day. You know what I'm saying?
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Was it sunken into the floor? Yeah. It was?
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Every day should be Valentine's Day. But I forget most of the days like I do on Valentine's Day. Now that I have daughters, though, I don't forget Valentine's Day. I do believe every woman should get flowers on Valentine's Day. So I make it a point of going to the store, even if it's just the cheapy roses.
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We've had some good times in jacuzzi. Remind me to tell the jacuzzi story about when we went to the mountains with our Russian friend and a couple other people and her friend. Remind me to tell you about that story because the ending is really funny. Anyway, yeah, that was the exact same thing in the Dominican Republic. It was a big jacuzzi in the middle of the room.
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It had a waterfall that would fill up the jacuzzi bathtub with all kind of different lighting scenarios with like a controller on the bed. And I was like, wow. And you know what the, well, I'm not going to, that might be a little too personal. Astrid might not like that. But anyway, we didn't put the jacuzzi to use, but we put the room to good use. Let's put it that way.
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I think we felt a little nervous. You know, who knows who's cleaning those things?
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Who knows? And it's the Dominican Republic, and so no knock on that, but you don't know where the water's coming. You get a little skeeved out. We're germaphobes, basically, is what I'm trying to say.
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A custom perfume made from your partner's pheromones. I would say this. Sure. But, you know, OK, I'll accept it. But I don't think it's the best gift to give a month in. No, no, not a month in. This might be something you do a year in. Do you know what I'm saying?
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A playlist of love songs. But your partner is the one singing them. Cute. Good effort. I'd say A for effort.
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Yeah, that's... Yeah. I agree. I think you've got to be really in love.
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And the voice. Uh-huh. True. I'm not going to listen to an hour of Astrid singing. No knock on Astrid singing.
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Perfect. Whatever. Yes. If you're Adele and you're making a playlist for your husband, cool.
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Yeah. A teddy bear that says, I love you, and then also says sexy things in a sexy voice. I say no on this one. I'm declining the bear that talks to me sweetly.
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Yeah, I think that's just... The talking bear. Yeah, that's weird. Yeah, no. Stay away. Let's not go to the fucking Build-A-Bear workshop for yet another event, okay? As a guy who's been to a few Build-A-Bear workshops, I don't think those are for adults. But man, do I see a lot of adults at the Build-A-Bear workshop.
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And I go and I get my daughters some flowers and I give them a little card and a kiss and a hug. And I tell them how beautiful they are and how wonderful they are and how smart they are and how boys... Drill and girls rule. So don't even think about it. There's like a little boy who's on a face. I don't want to get into all the details because my wife hates when I give details about the family.
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Teddy Ruxpin. Yes. Yeah, I had a Teddy Ruxpin.
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Teddy Ruxpin. Yes. Only after the Internet came along. Right. The Internet fucked us all, just letting you know that. A lock of hair in a locket is call the police type creepy. We don't do this ever. Not 30 years in, you don't do this. What about the blood?
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No, I'm not into that either. I mean, I understand some people are into that. But again, if you're literally... I mean, I know that we share fluids when we're in love with someone. I get that. And the DNA is being swapped. But blood is a different level. When you're mixing your blood together, you're pretty much accepting any kind of nefarious activities they've done in their life.
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You know, we can say to ourselves, well, I got a 50-50 shot if I'm sticking my dick in it. But if I am putting blood together, we know it's coming our way if they've got it. A month in, not unless you've been tested. No, thank you.
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Oh, that's right. I was talking about the blood. I was talking about the blood, not the hair.
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Oh, well, no. No hair. No blood. No nothing. How's that? Nothing with your DNA. No, I'm too much of a germaphobe. I don't want it. Nothing in a locket. Don't give me a locket. That's weird. What is it, 1922? Give me one of those digital frames with nude photos of yourself. I'll take that. A scrapbook made of all your text messages from the relationship. No, it's too serious.
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Yeah, stalkery. Yeah, that's just weird. Why are you doing that?
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Yeah, it takes too much time. Anything that takes too much time gets a little weird. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Make it a quick hit. Flowers, In-N-Out. Chocolate from Godiva, In-N-Out. Gift certificate for a massage, In-N-Out. Trust me. Dunkin' Donuts, In-N-Out. In-N-Out Burger, In-N-Out. A star named after... I have done this. I was going to say.
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It is very sweet. Astrid didn't think it was so sweet. She was like, that's just silly. I bought a star for us. It's romantic. We have a star in the third universe of Orion.
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You don't know for sure. Well, there's an international star registry, and you buy it directly from them, and they will name a star, and they will tell you where it is. It is highly unlikely you'll be able to see it with your naked eyes or any telescope that exists on Earth. But it's there. It's somewhere out there.
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And hey, listen, I can appreciate it's not the most exciting gift in the world, but I thought it was cute.
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I'm not going to say it's psycho. I'm going to say it's probably... No, it's not psycho. Don't waste the time.
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I'm probably not dating a crocheter. I'm just sharing that.
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I do never know. Actually... I do think that one of the girls that I dated was into like crocheting.
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Yeah, a beanie, a penis beanie, like a little hat you put over your dick. I like that idea. A peenie. A peenie, that's right. How about you crochet yourself a micro bikini and wear it to bed? That is a, that is something I can get. That's an idea whose time has come. A dinner date on a gondola, but that gondola is at a local mall. No. No, no, no.
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But there's like a little boy who's been showing up on some WhatsApp phone video phone calls attached somewhere to the family. And I feel like there's a little setup going on here. Do you know what I'm saying? Uh-huh. And so I am very upset about this. Now, both of these children aren't even old enough to speak full sentences yet, but I'm very upset. I am very protective already.
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If we're in Vegas, I might even accept a Venetian hotel. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. But that is also a mall. So I am saying.
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I think they have gondolas up there. They do. We took a ride with the entire family. And let me tell you, taking a circle in a dirty pond, not exciting. No matter how hard they try. It's the world's biggest hotel, America's biggest hotel under one roof. in Nashville. And they have a huge body of water in the middle of it. It goes through the entire hotel. All four buildings of it.
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It's just this immense hotel and retail center and all this other water park, all this other shit. And they have these gondolas that ride around. And they even do a little show at night where there's pirates and all this other stuff. So we decide, yeah, let's get on the gondola. We pay $1,000 to get on the gondola and it literally goes in a circle. No good.
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They're trying to be Disney-esque, so they put little characters, but the characters don't move. So they're like, look at the bear in the corner. Ah! No! Even my kids weren't excited. They were like, Daddy, when do we get off this boat? It smells bad. Well, who's that scary pirate? Okay, one more, and then we'll take a break.
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A customized crossword puzzle, but all of the answers are your inside jokes. I think that's cute. Yeah. I think that's cute.
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Yeah, that is A for effort. So I will say that that is good. A crossword puzzle. Anything where you take just a little bit of effort and tailor it to the conversations that you're having. A little inside jokes, little cute names that you give each other. Whatever. Just don't overdo it.
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Don't overdo it. Make it a short crossword puzzle. Okay, let's take a break. And then when we get back, I've got plenty more of these. We'll go through Psycho or Sweet. For romantic purposes. We'll be back.
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Okay, Chrissy and I are here reviewing Valentine's Day's presents and whether they are psycho or sweet. We're making a determination now. We're imagining ourselves into a relationship just a month in. So this is not someone you've been with for a long time. And listen, there are degrees of attraction and seriousness and falling in love like Astrid and I knew pretty immediately.
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I am not ready for any of this. I'm not ready for it. So just give me five to ten decades, and I certainly will consider... allowing my daughters to date another boy. I should be the most important man in their life.
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that we were going to be spending the rest of our lives together with 13 to 15 children, no money, and in a stupid, dumb, never-ending podcast. We knew that pretty early. And Astrid told me last night, she said, you're lucky I've been with you for so long.
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you're lucky I've been with you for so long and I agree I must agree listen I don't there's nobody has spent this much time with me except for my family and trust me by the time I left the house they were ready for me to go so I'm just sharing that I think my twin brother is the only person that spent as much time with me as Astrid and that's because he got a head start you know a nine month head start yeah in the womb that's right the only other person who's been that close Kevin stop sticking your dick in my mouth laughing
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Kind of weird. Kind of weird. I'm glad that the universe doesn't allow us to remember that part because it was traumatic. They don't even have we don't even have any images of us in the belly because back then they didn't do that unless you were like really in trouble. And then they would then they would use the what do you call it? Ultrasound. That's right. Okay, let's get back to it.
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Psycho or sweet? Yeah, let's play the music. Why not? I do like this music. Okay, some of these get a little silly, so just stick with me here. They're clearly not... There's not anything you would get. A pet that they name after... Something that you both love. Listen, you get me a pet, you are in fucking trouble. After Blue, I want no more pets as gifts.
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No, you don't get a pet after a month. And Astra did actually get me a dog after a month. We went to the pound for my birthday. It wasn't a month in. It was like five months in. And it was sweet, and I did want a dog, but it ultimately became a big responsibility. She was smart. She knew what she was doing. She wanted to keep me off the streets, out of the bars, and away from other women.
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For at least a little longer, for at least a little longer. But then I was reading, and I know this is not Valentine's Day talk, but let me, let's have a conversation. I was reading that now 15 to 17% of women, and a study done across the world, 15 to 17% of girls, excuse me, are getting their periods by the age of nine. Hmm. Nine. Wow. Nine. That's incredible.
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So she gave me a dog, knowing that I would have to come home every couple of hours to take it out. That was smart. Yeah, and probably be too lazy to go back out. So she was right. She was right. A toilet seat with your initials engraved on it.
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No, no, no. No, no, no. You don't even go to the bathroom around someone until you're like a year in. Yeah. It's just a rule. I told you there was a lady who I knew, a mother of a friend of mine as a child. And I'll never forget this dad would have like Playboy and penthouses laying around the house and they would let us read them. And we're only like 12.
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Now that I think about it, it was a really creepy situation. I'm glad I got out of there unscathed, actually. But this mother, they'd always be talking about their relationship or sex. They were just very liberal. They were very open about everything. And she told us once, while we were having breakfast, the father came down and the mother was like, you know, did you get it out?
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And he was like, oh, that was a good one. In other words, he had had a good shit. And she was like, here's the key to a good relationship. Never poop in front of each other. Ever. Never. And I agree with them. Yeah. Even though they were crazy, I agree with them.
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Please don't poop in front of me. Now, when you have kids, you know, sometimes you got to do it. Or if you're sick. Oh, yeah. If you're sick.
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Yeah. I hate being sick. I know. And I hate when other people are sick. I know. A giant puzzle of your first picture together. Okay.
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You know, it's not the best gift in the world, but okay. Yeah. I don't want to have to work to figure out what it is.
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But I do do them with the kids, you know. And I realize just how bad I am at puzzle making when there's like a 10-piece puzzle the size of our entire living room floor and I can't get it right. And I'm scratching my head and my son is doing it quickly and I'm like, oh, that's where that goes. A candle filled with your pheromones. Again, like the perfume, like not a month in.
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I do like candles. I do like candles. Even though apparently they're killing us. Candles are good. I like killing us.
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killing us yeah something about like the essential oils and the candles with the oil in them the smelly oil apparently some guy some scientist on instagram was like these are the worst things you can a scientist on instagram and that's where i get all my information well listen all the other scientists who were actually supposed to tell us what's going on have now been fired from their jobs so i gotta get all my information from robert kennedy f jr whatever his name is uh
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Yeah, I agree. I mean, it's not the creepiest thing ever, but under what circumstances are we going to wear a matching set of pajamas? Unless it's like Christmas time.
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Yeah, wait for Christmas. I agree with you on that. A framed picture.
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of your celebrity crush i like that i like that it lets me know that you don't take this thing too you're not taking yourselves too seriously and that you can appreciate that do a leap as a beautiful woman yeah i appreciate that i like that i'm gonna get asked her to joe jonas shirtless picture for valentine's day that's what i'm gonna do You think it's a little creepy? You don't like it?
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I would. But that's just me. All right. Private chef for the night. Yes! Yeah, that's a good idea. This is 100% legit. A private chef for the night is thoughtful. Oh, yeah. It lets the other one know you care about them.
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It allows the two of you to have a really nice dinner in a setting where you're not huddled up with 7,000 other people paying $999 per plate and you don't even get to choose what you're eating. Valentine's Day is the single worst day of the year besides Easter to go out to eat. Mother's Day, Easter, Valentine's Day.
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That is crazy. You can get pregnant at nine? I mean, I know that there have been random cases of this happening. But, you know, they're saying that all the antibiotics and the steroids that they put in the food and the plastics in our brain and all this shit is causing girls to go into puberty much earlier.
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If you take somebody out to eat on those days, you're telling them you really don't give a shit about them because it's going to be fucking miserable. Okay. That's all I got to say. Having worked in the industry for a very long time. A custom bobblehead of both of you. That's cute.
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Yes. A full PowerPoint presentation pointing out why the two of you were made for each other.
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Straight up conspiracy level weird. Yeah, I don't trust you if you do that. You've spent way too much time a month in thinking about why we're good for each other.
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Well, listen, if you're giving me a lap dance at the same time, maybe. Maybe. A romantic scavenger hunt.
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That's good. I like that. Don't make it too creepy, you know? Keep it on the lighter side of things. Of course. But I do like that, where it ends with, like, you know, I don't know, a ticket to your favorite band. A heart shape.
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Yeah, that's right. Or a couples therapy session. The whole month with the whole month.
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A coupon book for romantic or sexual favors. I've heard of this. I like that. I like that. I've done this, actually. I have, too. I've done this one. Yeah. They haven't been cashed in yet, but they're past their expiration date, so don't even think about it, Astrid. A heart-shaped pinata full of your favorite candies. Hi. I don't want to work that hard for the candy. Just give me the candy.
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Yeah. And where are we going to put a pinata? And now I got to hang it up and clean it up. No, thanks.
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We've done this, actually. I've said that.
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In Venezuela, every birthday party comes with a pinata. It doesn't matter if you're 5 or 55.
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Yes. Okay, an Astrid pinata, yes. Because she makes them Lilo and Stitch, Mickey Mouse, Louis.
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And if you look at some of these guys, if you look at some of these kids today that are in high schools, guys and girls, they're full-grown adults.
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Me too. Me too. And kids love them. Oh, yeah. And she's done them for me for my birthday, full of, you know, adult things. And, you know, I don't need to get into all the details. But a month in, eh. And if you're buying it from a store, skip it. I'm not interested in it. A tattoo of your anniversary date or your name. Never, never, never. No, no, no.
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I'm 99,000% sure I am never willingly going to date another woman or have another wife. And I still wouldn't get Astrid tattooed on my body because it's a dumb idea. Never get anything relationship-related tattooed on your body.
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They were saying anniversary date or your name.
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No, hell no. But like 10 years in? Okay, I can understand that maybe now you feel... Committed. I'm starting to feel committed to Astrid after 10 years in.
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They look that way. I understand they're not like in their brain, but they physically appear to be adults. And that is scary because I have kids and I, you know, as long as they can stay kids, little kids, little problems, big kids, big problems. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes.
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A pet goldfish. No on the pets. Just no on the pets.
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That's a responsibility. The goldfish is going to die in 10 days. Yeah, and then I've got to flush it down the toilet, and I'm going to be sad.
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A bouquet of roses, very simple and straightforward. We can all agree I think this is one that, yeah, sure. It's almost obligatory. You've got to get flowers on Valentine's Day. And I know not everybody likes flowers. And some people are allergic. You know, there's lots of different reasons why you wouldn't get flowers. But I think flowers are just a standard gift. It's something you should do.
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Oh, he did? That's a very sweet gift, Jeff. Can you buy one for Astrid? Love Brian on the note. Thanks. I appreciate it, Joe. A custom printed shower curtain with a full size U on it. No. No. No. That's weird. First of all, shower curtains are gross. Get rid of the shower curtains. Or change them out once a month.
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Because shower curtains are breeding grounds for all kind of like syphilis type B. I'm not sure. I don't know. But I've had some shower curtains in my life where I've been so poor in my life. that it was really between heat and a new shower curtain, and I went with the shower curtain because I was so skeeved out by what was growing on the bottom of it. Those shower curtains, they always get gross.
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They can get gross. A jar of pickles with a love note inside. I don't even know why we would do this, but okay. Not the worst gift in the world.
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Yeah, sure. Part of like a gift basket. Yeah, if you got me like a gift basket of hot sauces, because you know I like hot sauces, I could appreciate that. Uh... Let's see here. No, not that. Don't make me say that because that's kind of gross. A personalized ASMR recording. I like this. I think this is kind of funny. It's creepy, but it's funny.
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Yeah. If it was like you making sexual noises and really whispered tones, then I could see why that would be funny, cute, and maybe arousing at times for sure. Let's see. A simple love letter expressing your love. Of course. Of course. That's welcome anytime. Anytime. I mean, not a weekend, but a month in, then you're getting into love.
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I used to send Astrid lengthy texts about the stars and the moon and all this other stuff.
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Yes, that's right. A subscription to a dating app just in case. That's pretty funny, actually.
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I just want to enjoy the time. I don't want to have to worry about, you know, and listen, I'm raising them correctly. They can handle themselves. They have autonomy. I'm not here to play helicopter dad. But when it comes to the girls, I still, I think I'm a little old fashioned. Like I never, if you took me to a beach 20 years ago, right?
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Yeah, that's a no, but I like it. A framed... Well, we already talked about this. a chocolate bar that has your very first text message exchange engraved in it. I think that's cute. I'll accept it. I'll accept it. I won't call this a total red flag. I'll say it's like a mini red flag. But I think it's cute.
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A heart-shaped balloon. Yeah, okay, but you don't need to get it, but all right. A love poem written entirely in emojis. No? Yeah, I mean, whatever. Okay, cool. But don't bother. Like, I don't need to see emojis. Yeah.
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Okay, and finally, a romantic dinner for two, but at a food truck stand. No, there's no such thing as a romantic dinner for two at a food truck stand, unless you guys are just really into food trucks.
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That's true. And there used to be a food truck park here. Now it's a big apartment complex, because of course it was always going to be, right? It was always going to be. We're just waiting for the right guy to pay enough money to go. But there was a food truck park and they did do something on Valentine's Day where they only let in a certain amount of people. They had candles on the tables.
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They would get a free glass of wine or whatever. If you're into that kind of thing, if you're young and that's cool and it's a hip place to go, then I can totally, totally, totally understand. But listen, there's some good examples in here and there's some bad examples in here. Let me share with you a few things, a few opinions of mine. Number one...
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You do not break up with anybody on Valentine's Day because it's unlikely you'll be able to actually follow through on it if you have any kind of heart. Number two, make sure the photographs you're taking for your loved one are taken by you and you alone because that's an important thing. And certainly don't show someone else's hand in the photograph. That was the dumbest thing. That's funny.
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That was the dumbest thing. And absolutely no thank you on the singing quartet showing up to giving you a card. Unless it's naked, do a lipa. That is it. For sure. All right. There you go. Happy Valentine's Day to all the lovers and otherwise. And if you're alone today on Valentine's Day, don't worry about it. If you're choosing that, you're choosing yourself. Happy Valentine's Day to you.
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Yeah, love yourself. That's all you got to do. I've spent many more Valentine's Day alone than I have with somebody. And so it's not all bad. Yeah, no. Think about it this way. You don't have to go spend a bunch of money on a meal you're probably not going to enjoy. You don't have to buy anything for anybody except for yourself.
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Yes. And there are always, like, movie marathons on some cable channel that have nothing to do with rom-coms or romance. You can find it. Get into yourself. Fuck yourself. That's what I'm trying to say.
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I would have oohed and aahed at all of the girls in the bikinis. I would have.
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Fuck yourself. Clap your own cheeks. That's right.
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Spank your own ass. 21 EPMs, whatever you need to do. Remember to get those 21 EPMs in, kids. That's really important. Check your tits. Check your balls. Jizz a lot. investigate your own body, make sure it feels good and it feels right. Find your G spot. That's what I'm trying to say on this Valentine's day. Find your G spot. Then it doesn't matter what somebody gets you.
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You'll always be able to get yourself off. Okay. A romantic words of romantic wisdom from one whacker offer to another whacker offer. Right, Chrissy? That's right. I'm glad you agree with me. She always agrees with me. That's what she does. Except for Starlink, okay? I don't like Starlink. All right? But then I saw a video.
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I like to watch those people sailing across the ocean by themselves or with their family or whatever. And guess what? Starlink. And then I thought, okay, Starlink.
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We need to be careful because that's the only thing we got left is that sky. And it's already junked up. And now we got 50,000 other pieces of junk flying up there with no idea when they're coming down or how we're going to get around them or anything. I can't even believe we can send a spaceship up anymore. But whatever we're doing now these days because it's all junk.
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Yes. Bikini girl. Bikini girl. Thong girl. Thong girl. That's right. Thong girl. Thong girl. The love that never was. The love that was never meant to be because Brian was 26 Bud Lights in and missed the phone call. Okay. I get it. But she had a thong on. We're talking like 15 years ago at a time when the bathing suits weren't as cheeky as they are now.
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You get it. All right. Ari Shaffir's episode was great. We're on tour and his brand new special, America's Sweetheart, at the commercial break on Instagram, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak and 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, or leave a message to be on the next episode of TCB. All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
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Certainly, there was ass hanging out in a lot of places. pools across the country, especially the apartment pools where the young kids live. But this girl was wearing a straight up micro bikini, a string up her butt. And she was beautiful. And I was all about it. I couldn't get away from it, actually.
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And so I found my I managed to maneuver my way over the course of an afternoon and 30 Bud Lights into her orbit. Orbit. And we connected and then she, I missed the phone call. I just missed the phone call. She said she was going to meet us. She called. I didn't answer. But anyway, that to me was, now I look at these string bikinis in a totally different way.
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I do not look at them like, oh, wow, that woman is attractive. I look at it like, please don't let my daughter pick that bikini to wear under any circumstances.
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Oh, I know she will. It has happened to us. Astrid keeps warning me. She's like, Brian, they're going to do it regardless if you tell them not to. And the more that you tell them not to, the more they're going to want to do it. That's right. I did it. My friends did it. My cousins did it. And that's just the way it is these days. Asses are hanging out. You're going to have to deal with it.
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Take me back. Calgon, take me away. Take me back to the time when I didn't have to worry about this shit.
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Okay. All right. Well, anyway, it's a day for romance and love here on the commercial break. We don't want to let the Valentine's Day go without talking a little bit about relationships. Yes. Romance and love and breakups and all the other things that come with it. So...
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I have a story that I have been saving when we have been talking about the cruising and the potential TCB cruise, unofficial TCB cruise on the Margaritaville cruise ship. And by the way, people texted in. They were like, we're in. We're in. And so, I mean, I know we're not really good at following through on anything outside of this studio and barely anything inside the studio.
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But we have to give some serious consideration to taking just like a two-day cruise, three-day cruise on a Margaritaville ship where we do an unofficial TCB cruise. Now, so we've been talking about the cruise ships a lot lately. From the incidents and accidents to, you know, bringing your loved one on the cruises and all about the cruise lines.
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From the Ritz-Carlton to the Margaritaville cruise ships. We've been having a lot of discussion about this on the show. And I got a story for you.
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Oh, God, that just brings back memories, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Do you know what song this is? Okay, hang tight. Here it comes. It's the lengthy version. It's the live version. Love. Exciting and new. Oh, yeah. Bring it back. My boy. I'm expecting you. And love. I mean, this is so diner. This is not even fun. This is so Holiday Inn. Yes. Fuzzy 70s. Yacht Rock. I just love it. All right.
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You ready for a story? I am. This is from Sarah, not indicating where she's from, but the Midwest. And she has really thought this one out. She has done a well-written, great punctuation, perfect capitalization, lots of bold letters. Here we go. You ready? I'm ready. The subject is My Horrible... hilarious cruise romance.
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Hey, Brian and Chrissy, I've finally done something so dumb, I think it qualifies to write into the show. I love you guys. I've been listening forever, and this is my first, but probably not last, cautionary tale. A few years ago, I made the mistake of going on a seven-day cruise with a guy I had only been dating for three months. Three months! Three months!
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And welcome back to WSHIT. Each year on Valentine's Day, as a public service to the community of Crabapple, WSHIT provides airtime for the Crabapple Middle School students to say a few nice Valentine's Day words to their teachers. Next up is Billy. He's in 6th grade, and here's his Valentine's Day video message to Mrs. Briona.
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My opinion. Just my opinion, Sarah. You need to be at like six months to do a full seven days.
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Do a long weekend. A long weekend. At a hotel where you can get away if you need to. You know what I'm saying? So we go on this seven-day cruise, three, not three years, not even six months, three months. Let's call this guy Trevor because, honestly, if you hear the story and picture him as a Trevor, it just makes more sense. I love that. Now, I know what you're thinking. Why?
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Why would you trap yourself in the middle of an ocean with a near stranger for seven days? And to that I say, love makes you do stupid shit. It does.
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Okay, when Trevor first suggested the trip, I thought, wow, how romantic. I pictured Titanic-level romance, minus the iceberg. Cute dinners, holding hands on the deck, maybe a towel animal or two, but what I actually got was a nonstop floating nightmare. Okay, this is where we get into bullet points, so follow me here. Red flag number one, the packing disaster.
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The night before the trip, I casually asked, hey, you got everything you need? Passport, sunscreen, normal human clothes? And Trevor waved me off as if I was nagging him. Fast forward to the cruise terminal. He unzips his suitcase and reveals three pairs of swim trunks, but no shirts. One pair of flip-flops that he planned to wear everywhere, including the formal nights. A PS5 controller.
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Does anyone have Billy's parents' phone number?
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A single travel-sized bottle of 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. No sunscreen. And when I pointed this out, he scoffed, I don't sunburn. And y'all, he was blonde and practically translucent.
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A PS5 controller. But she notes here, there was no PS5 anywhere on the boat. Why would you bring a controller if there's no PS5? Maybe wishful thinking, I guess. I don't know. Just in case. Yeah, this is the Margaritaville cruise ship. What do we got going on here? You think they're going to give you a PS5 there? They don't even do that on Disney where you pay $20,000 for a one-day cruise.
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Red flag number two. He got wasted before we even left the dock. Yeah, well, now. Listen, as a former heavy drinker, I can share with you that oftentimes I was wasted before I even got out of bed, okay? So I'm not going to knock the guy until I hear the entire story. When you're on vacation.
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Yeah, it's not a red flag. It's a yellow flag. Let's say that. And if you're not drinking with him, maybe that's inches into a darker yellow flag, but it's certainly not a full red flag. Not in my opinion. The second we boarded, Trevor sprinted toward the nearest bar like he was an Olympic athlete in the 100 meter, 100 meter pina colada dash.
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The man immediately started abusing the unlimited drinks package. Which, I might add, he lost. That night, I thought, OK, fine. He's just excited. We're on vacation. Let him live. I had no idea that this was just a preview of the chaos ahead. Red flag three, the great buffet meltdown. On day three, Trevor woke up hangry and not so cute. He said, I need a little snack.
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Okay, Jim in control room, let's go ahead and cut it. I hope you enjoy watching this baby girl. Oh dear.
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That's the kind of hangry he was. But he was throwing a full blown toddler tantrum. So we hit the buffet. He stacked his plate like he was preparing for the apocalypse. I mean, waffles, bacon, lasagna, shrimp cocktails, sushi, bread rolls. Yeah, that's a great thing about a cruise ship, too. This is a yellow flag again, but putting it all together, I see where you're going with this.
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He put it all on one plate. He gets back to the table, takes two steps backwards... and drops the entire plate on the floor. Here's where it gets weird. Trevor just stood there, frozen, staring at the floor like he had witnessed a murder. Meanwhile, the staff and I are frantically trying to clean up what he just did. What was I supposed to do? What was he supposed to do?
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Turn around and then he just leaves. What? Just walked away. No apology, no explanation. Like the buffet was now haunted and he could never return. Red flag number four, he got jealous of the cruise director.
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That night, we went to a comedy show, and the cruise director, a very nice married man, a 50-something dad, I assume, whose job is literally to entertain people, made a joke, and when I laughed a little too hard, Trevor got weird. Trevor did not like this. He got quiet, sulky, and when I asked what was wrong, he muttered, well, if you think he's so funny, maybe you should date him instead.
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I had to sit there and explain to a grown man that I was not planning to run away with the cruise director, sir. This man announces shuffleboard tournaments. Please calm yourself down. That leads to red flag number five. He lost his wallet and somehow blamed me. On the last day, Trevor lost his wallet. Now... Wait, now was I there when he lost it? No. Oh, now was I there when he lost it?
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Well, it seems like Billy's got a growing affection for his teacher. We'll make sure Billy gets an ankle monitor, and then we'll be back to this episode of The Commercial Break.
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No, I was not. Had I touched his wallet at any point? No, but that did not stop him from accusing me of misplacing it. I absolutely did not. For an hour, he stomped around the cabin, flipping over couch cushions, shaking his already empty suitcase, and letting out deep, dramatic sighs. He even interrogated me like I was on trial. Trevor said, are you sure you didn't move it?
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I said, I literally don't know what your wallet looks like. Trevor, yeah, but sometimes you misorganize stuff, don't you? Me, have we ever organized anything together? No. Finally, he checked his pocket where his wallet had been the entire time. After an hour of blaming me, I was officially over it. I broke up with him before we even got through the cruise terminal.
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Moral of the story, do not go on a cruise with someone you just started dating unless you're fully prepared to either marry them or toss them overboard as if you were on a carnival cruise. I love you guys. Thank you for the many years of laughter. And thank you for the free therapy, Sarah from the Midwest.
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They have the shittiest prizes. I know. They're like, a new car from 2019, a Hyundai Electron.
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The Hyundai Electron has been discontinued, but it's new to you right now. How much does it cost? Pick the four numbers. Three, five, zero, zero. That's correct. And you have to pay $7,000 in taxes to bring it home.
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I was watching him do a game, and it was like the lady was about to win a new car, which wasn't a particularly fancy car, but okay, a car is a car. You win a car. And she has to pick the number. They give her the middle number, and then there's four other numbers, two and two. She has to pick the first two. She has to pick the last two. She gets four chances to do this.
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And she's picking a number. She's like, 75. And he's like, that's the year I graduated high school. Like, really mundane, innate conversation that's not particularly funny but not particularly offensive. He's using his improv skills to no good. But I will share that this is the job. This is the way you want to go. Be that guy. Or Elizabeth Banks on No Whammies. What's that show? Press Your Luck?
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My mom left Astrid a message, which was embedded into the beginning of the show. The clips that we do, the bits at the beginning. That was that I cut up and embedded into the show where my mom explained to Astrid that the girls at the table had been wondering for a while how they where where was the show? How could they find it? Where was it?
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Mm-hmm. Press your luck. That's what I want to do. Press your luck. Wheel of Fortune. Not Jeopardy. I'm not smart enough for that. I know those Jeopardy people are pretty picky about who they want leading that charge, and Brian's not going to fit that bill.
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But any of those other ones where it's like dumb games that anybody can play, the everyman game, I would be, I think, an excellent candidate for that.
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Smoking weed, getting drunk and spinning the wheel, having contests. Does it make that noise when you're not on TV? Does someone have to flick a button to make that noise? I would be curious about all of it. I listened to somebody was talking to Vanna White's brother, who briefly, briefly had a late night talk show in the 90s.
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So listen to this. He's trying to sell the show. Right. And he is a coked out drunk. And he admitted this is something he said, not something I'm assuming. This is something he said. I had a problem with drugs. I had a problem with alcohol. Right. And so he got some famous people to show up in his backyard. He built a set in his backyard. So it's outdoors. He's doing a monologue.
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I've never heard something less funny unless it was an episode of the commercial break. Never, never. It sounds like our first three episodes. It's just terrible, terrible. He's running around Hollywood trying to sell this like everybody was back in the 90s. Everyone wanted a talk show. So through this thing I was listening to, this podcast I was listening to, I found a link on YouTube.
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I watched it. It's some of the worst television I've ever seen. But the host asked, and I can't remember which podcast this was, right? Shout it out. The host asked Vanna White's brother, hey, how many times have you been to the set? A hundred? More than a hundred? He says, oh, probably a hundred, maybe a little bit more.
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How many times did you spin the wheel? I never spun the wheel. He said, you never took a spin on the wheel. He's like, you know, honestly, I never thought about it. And it's like, isn't that the first thing you would think about doing? Right? You go to press your luck. You want to see a whammy. You want to hit that button. You go to Wheel of Fortune. You want to spin it.
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Just watching it, you can almost tell how heavy it is, how you would spin it, what manner you would spin it.
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Yeah, just watching it, I have some spatial awareness about how I think I would spin those two wheels. The Price is Right wheel and the Wheel of Fortune wheel. But anyway, whatever. We're getting way off base here. Listen. Today, Chrissy and I are on vacation, meaning when you're listening to this, we are on vacation. So we are not talking about anything too timely or topical.
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And so even though I've never given my mom the name of the – I mean, she must know the commercial breaks a name because the kids even say it. But I've never given her any directions on how to find it because, quite frankly, I don't need her to find it. I don't need my mom to listen to the show. I can tell her what we're doing. I don't need her to listen to the show.
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We are just going to give you the goods. We had a nice young gentleman, and I mean young gentleman. He admits he's a kid. And I said, I don't want to get in trouble for texting a kid. So, you know, I hope you're at. So don't say anything that could get me in trouble.
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His name is Kylan. He had to tell me how to say it. I want to make sure I got it right. His name is Kylan. He texted and he said, hey, is this TCB? Let me share with you this string of text messages. I like that name, by the way, Colin. Yeah, it's a cool name. It says, is this commercial break? Anyway, if it is, I'm craving more Mountain Monsters, Frankie B., or also more pickup artists.
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And I said, yeah, this is TCB. It's been almost nine months since Frankie did a video where I do more Mountain Monsters. I'll get you one out the door soon. And he says, this is Kylan, but it says my mom's name because it's my mom's account. Now, at first I thought, you know, it's 2025. There's a lot of 30-year-olds who are still using their mom's phone account, right?
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That's right. But then he explains, I said, and he goes, feel free to use my name if you want to on air. I said, yeah, of course, I'll shout you out, but you got to give me some more information about you. What do you do? What's your thing? And he goes, well, does school count as a job? I'm just a kid. Yeah. And I was like, so I go automatically into dad mode. And I'm like, what did I say to him?
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I go, school's definitely your job. Get through at least high school. And then the world is your oyster. You can do whatever you do. You do whatever you want. Choose your own adventure. Do I sound like your dad yet? I mean, I'm on like dad mode right now. So Kylan says, pickup artist Mountain Monsters or Frankie B?
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Well, there's no more Frankie B. I haven't found any new Frankie B information that we haven't already done. There's one or two videos out there. I'm keeping them in my back pocket for a rainy day. Mountain Monsters, we just did. But I have been saving something for just this occasion for when someone asks, can you do a pickup artist? And we'll get to it after this.
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Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. The 21 Convention has brought us some of our most illustrious content, Chrissy.
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It's a deep pool of douchebaggery. That's well said, my friend. The 21 Convention is a short-lived convention that would happen in Orlando every year to showcase the world's— The best and the brightest. Yes, the smallest penises available to the women in the general Orlando area.
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And if you were female, you'd probably want to be out of the Orlando area when the 21 convention was going on because it was just pickup artists. And then it turned MAGA for a while there. It seemed like all they wanted to do was promote this new version of masculinity. Fine, if you're into that, cool. Yeah.
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Okay, mom. Talk to you later. She told Astrid that the girls at the table had been wondering how they found the show. How would they listen to the show? And then they Googled my name and found it. And then my mom leaves in the message that they also found out that we were the top podcast in our area. That's how my mom said it.
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But one of the guys who we've been following long, I think, before we found 21 Convention was Adam the Lion. Adam the Liar. Lions.
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Now, he has reinvented himself many times. He's been an SEO expert, a social media expert. He's been a branding expert. He's been a pickup artist. He was a polyamory artist. Yeah. He was sleeping with and he had a thruple going on there for a while. He reinvented himself as a life coach. This is the opposite of whatever Ryan Seacrest did. Adam, the liar. He followed the opposite path.
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He decided to be as unfamily friendly and non-consistent as possible. And you got to give the guy credit. At least he's trying. He's desperately trying to follow the trends. Usually three steps behind. Can't fault him for that. So is the commercial break.
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Yeah. But he's just one of these characters that you can't get enough of. I can't get enough of like Frankie B or Teresa Caputo. Adam has a soft spot in my heart because he is such an idiot. I mean, honestly, that's the only way to say it. He's such an idiot. Adam for the 21 convention.
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Apparently years ago, he had produced, I think this is like a biopic produced and directed by Adam Lyons himself. And they posted it on the 21 Convention website years ago. This looks like it was made 10 or 15 years ago because Adam is, he just looks very young in this. And his hair is pink and I don't even know. But... This is not a documentary, despite what Adam may call it.
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No, it's not like the new Dylan biopic starring Timothee Chalamet. Adam here is a, I don't know, a student pickup artist. Use caution. He is trying to... You can't just film yourself and call it a documentary. That doesn't make much sense. I was watching The Last Waltz last night. I couldn't sleep.
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It's one of the best documentaries ever made. Certainly the best music documentary, maybe the best music film ever made. But it was filmed by one of the best directors of all time and produced by Bill Graham and a bunch of others. This wasn't like the band got together and decided to film themselves and put it out, which they could have done. But you can't call that a documentary.
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Just call that I just filmed myself. You know what I'm saying? Anyway, I don't want to get into the minutia of what we're calling it. I just want to hear what he has to say. Now, I've watched very little of this. So we're going to go on this journey together.
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Yeah, cold. That's how I like to do it here at the commercial break. Raw dog, Adam Lyons.
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And you have tried them all, my friend. Where, are you a peacock? Is that, is he a cockatoo? He's in a tropical location somewhere, probably the villages in Florida. Where Chrissy and I are going to retire.
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It looks like a Margaritaville. But he fits right in with that cockatoo hair.
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That's what they do. That's what mystery taught them. You got to get out there and... Show your colors. That's right.
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In my area. I am the top podcast in my area. No shit.
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There's like, there's title cards in between sections here. And this one is like a duck to water.
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Once I learned game, I turned into a Jedi master. A Jedi master of pink cockatoo hair and role play. Yes. Nothing says fuck me like being in a park dressed up like a medieval swordsman.
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Hey, listen, within a mile radius, I'm pretty sure we're the top podcast.
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And I kind of threw it on the back shelf and ignored it. That kind of reminds me of that scene in The Matrix where he goes to the Oracle and they ask him, like he's guided to the Oracle. You must go talk to the Oracle. Yeah, you were meant to do that. Every good Genesis story of some of the most, some of the people who changed our world starts with an Oracle.
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There's someone who just sees something in you that you don't see in yourself. Like my wife. Shut up and do it on a microphone.
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Yes, mom. She's so clueless. And then she said that the girls were going to get together that night and listen to the podcast. And I have not heard from my mother since.
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And you sleep on the floor maybe while you're waiting for the bed.
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Yeah, I imagine like Takis, empty bags and Mountain Dew soda cans all around. There's the game staring at him. In the movie, whoever plays him, it's got to, you know, I would imagine Ryan Felipe or Tom Timothy Chalamet or whoever. I can see like he's in this scene where it's all dark and he's crying.
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Denzel gives him the book. You were meant to do this. Don't fret, bro. Read it. Neil Strauss. The famous composer? Neil Strauss is obviously a big inspiration. Oh, no, the pickup artist, Neil Strauss.
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I think they're at a mall in Florida, but I wonder if they know how close to greatness they are. Have you ever been somewhere and then later on you see pictures, like at a concert or, I don't know, you've never been to Disney World, but like Disney World.
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There's a couple times I've been to Disney World and then I'll be in one of those, you know, Disney adult groups for people like me who have mental problems. And then... And then they'll be like, oh, did you see so-and-so on this particular day? And it happens a famous person was there when I was there. But how would I have known?
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Eddie Vedder and my dad's Chicago picture. Yeah, stuff like that. I wonder if they know how close they are to greatness.
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I have to purposefully mute my phone because I know my mother's going to call. I know she is during the show while we record. So I don't know what to tell you, kids. My mom's on to us.
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You know, there's probably a few whiz bangers in there that were like, yeah, I agree with you, Brian. But I would imagine most people are not that way. You know, those people are long since gone. Those people have died. They died in the 80s. So yet another place I have to go and explain myself. And that doesn't always feel good.
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I guess we all have to cut out the cussing now. We have to settle down. I feel like I'm a teenager and I've been busted in the basement whacking off. And now I got to calm it down a little bit. So funny thing is, they say they're going to get together that night and listen to the show. And it's the show that we did about studs. Oh, right. Okay.
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And the preview clip that was cut, you know, coming up on this episode of the commercial break, then there's a preview clip, 30 to 45 seconds of the show that we find interesting that we put in there. And the clip is me making fun of the guy saying, we did San Diego. And I go, what is doing San Diego? What does that mean? You jizzed up against the wall? Give me 50 bucks and I'll fuck you? Yeah.
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Oh, it's all over. I was lamenting the people at Starbucks knowing about the commercial break, the people at school knowing about the commercial break, now my mom and her friends knowing how to get the commercial break. I mean, we're far from famous kids. Don't let any chart appearances or big numbers, big numbers, over 40 downloads. Don't let anything fool you.
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This one's getting a little boring. And now that I'm married, guys don't want to talk to me. I think after you get married, being a pickup artist is probably not something you can do. Like, I don't know. For many reasons. That's like eating with a skinny chef. You know what I'm saying? Like you just you just don't do it.
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They call it ILs in the community, Chrissy. You've got to get in there and get a bunch of ILs.
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Oh, yes. An instant lay. That means you walk into the bar, instantly laid.
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Boom. Vagina, dick. meat boom explosions everywhere clean up aisle three and you're out 249 left to go you know what i'm saying chrissy oh yeah thank you you prolong that how can you ideally meet the person you want to be with and stay with them forever no i i don't know i don't know but maybe he'll explain it to us in the next segment let's take a break uh and we'll be back
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All right. We just learned that Adam is in fact or was in fact married for a brief period of time, 2009 to 2013. Longer than my first marriage. But anyway. All right. All right. Settled out.
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Project Entourage, Chrissy. It's been well documented, my journey to pussy success. Anybody who documents their journey to pick up artist success is just... I might have something wrong with them. I don't know. I mean, I'm not saying everybody is the same and I'm not saying all quote unquote dating coaches, which is a big word that includes a lot of different types of men and women.
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I'm not saying all of them are bad. Sometimes maybe you feel like you need somebody to give you a pep talk or something like that. But this guy, no way.
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Thanks for bringing that clear. You're so scientific in your methods, Adam. So scientific.
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We don't get noticed on the street. No one's knocking down our door to do anything. I think the only other famous person who's ever done anything remotely nice for us was Ari Shaffir. And I think he did that because he felt bad for us. Probably. Yeah. But I'm sharing that I feel a little bit cornered. Like the commercial break is not a normal job. No. No, no, no, no. It's not a normal job.
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No, no one's asking him this. These title cards were made backwards. He came up with his own questions. He's giving his own answers. This is all just spoon fed.
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Yeah, at an outdoor mall in Florida where he's just giving himself a reason to humble brag about all the stuff he's done. The feminization of America. Here we go. Here we go. I'm going to hate on the women I so desperately need. Wait.
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Might we agree with something Adam has to say? I'd like to reintroduce that balance. I think guys don't really know their place.
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Maybe. But I don't think I agree with that particular statement. But okay.
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I don't even understand what that means. No. Ah, war ends, we all lose.
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Snake charmers. That's the text. Snake charmers.
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Oh, yeah, you're not dropping any kind of... No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, you're not dropping any kind. You're not one to humble brag. You're not one to say anything too ostentatious out loud. Just say the names, Adam, so that we can find their videos.
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By adding value, I mean dropping seed in your uterus. Oh, yeah.
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As a matter of fact, it's a job that keeps you from getting a normal job. That's how it should be described. That is so true. I don't know why I think everything's so funny today, but I do. And the fact that there's not a lot of safe places where people just assume I have some normal job.
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So three short years later, the quality has improved. 10x, Chrissy.
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Pump that penis. Pump that penis. Thrust. Thrust. Thrust. Peacock. Peacock. Peacock. One, two. One. Lean against the wall. Stare her up and down. Don't talk. No words. She'll come to you, soldier. Put that boner down. Not yet. More peacock. Peacock. Peacock. Get her into your room. Low lighting, loud music. Let's go, let's go, let's go. You're getting laid this weekend. Yes, sir, I can hear you.
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Instant lay. I don't know what they may say. I don't know what they may say. Going for nothing but an instant lay. Sound off. Hard dick. Sound off. J.P. Cock.
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He was the one who told us how he brought home a girl and he had the lighting. He like flipped on. He had a light setting that was setting the mood and a playlist. He definitely had a playlist for getting laid. And it was like a two hour cab ride or something. Yeah. I don't know.
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This is basically a sales pitch for his boot camps. He has a lot of bad press out there and he's trying to tell you that it's other people's boot camps, not my boot camps.
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He's got that used car salesperson smile at the end of everything he says.
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Which corporations are in on the pickup artist business? 21 Convention? The people you're doing the video for right now?
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I mean, I know the people at Starbucks now, they desperately want to ask me about the content of today's show, but I just keep avoiding eye contact.
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That's right. Halloween game. Take my course that only works one night a year. Put on a mask.
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Where can we find the Halloween game video? I want to know. It's within it.
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Put on a mask. Put on a mask. Pretend you're not you.
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Independent versus corporate. Uh-oh. Here's where it all falls apart. It's always the Walmart of pick-up artists coming in to squash the little guy.
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Yeah, I do. Because I don't, you know, I don't, I'm sorry. I said the guy jizzed against the wall. I mean, what do you want me to say? I'm sure not everybody agrees with the content that we're putting out there. It's not for everybody. It's not for everybody. We're student podcasters, Chrissy. That's what we are. Student podcasters.
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He was one of the first independents. No selling out here, bro. You won't find any John Anthony lifestyle banners at my boot camp.
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Wait, who – what big company is supporting pickup artists? I think he means the 21 Convention.
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Book the appointments, yeah, and lead you to the right dating coach, quote-unquote. I mean, they're really the apple of the pickup artist community. Yeah. If you're going to survive in this community, I just find it sad that people have to live in Thailand all year long on the beach and then come to Los Angeles to teach me how to pick up women on Halloween.
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Please be patient. But now my mom knows that's a whole different road to hoe there because now I'm going to have to explain to her and her. I know I go there sometimes. When we go, there's like a big dining room when you walk into these places.
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Everyone's seen it. Everyone knows about that tipping point when you've got too much patootie tang to deal with.
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How do you know that? Where are those stats? The average independent. One year. Acting like this is like some well-worn industry. It's very much the Wild West as far as I can tell. I don't know because I'm not a dating coach or a pickup artist or whatever.
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Yeah. But it seems like put your videos on YouTube. Hope that people call your phone number and order your course. And if they do, you'll make money. And if they don't, you won't. And he's right about one thing. Any small business has its toils and troubles. And, you know. As an independent podcast, you have your ups, you have your downs.
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You go with a network because they have the people who can sell your business, right? I mean, I get what he's saying, but I just don't see the pickup artist business being that big that it would sustain big corporate. When he's saying big corporate, he really makes it sound like there's a Walmart of... Pickup artists out there.
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Never seen public sentiment moving toward... Well, there was that time that VH1 had Mystery had his own show.
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But that was the whiz-bang 90s when a lot of things were different. We do dating shows from the 90s all the time. Things were just different back then. I think... Pickup artists generally are seen in a negative light because of the things that they say. Not because they're victims of their own success, but because they're victims of their own dumb ideology.
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Sometimes I do wish I had a normal job where I just didn't have to explain myself. I meet other dads, and they're like, you know, yeah, I own a bike shop, or yeah, you know, I'm in the elevator business, or whatever they do. And I'm like, oh, okay, that's great. Tell me more about it so I can pretend like I do that next time I meet somebody.
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Oh, Adam. There's like 10 more minutes to go, but I don't think I can hear Adam talk anymore. To himself? No, not to himself. His own soliloquy about himself and all the wonderful things he's done, but how he's a changed man now. Look at that dumb grin on his face. Look at that dumb grin on his face.
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This is a cruise ship on land, is basically what it is. And they have a dining room, like every cruise ship does. And they get together for three times a day to sit at an assigned table. Or not necessarily assigned tables, but they tend to, you know.
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Oh, man. Oh, we already have had feedback about the 12 hearts of TCB, and some people are questioning our sanity. Yes. So are we. Yes, we are. No doubt about it.
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So we're going to put ours to the test. We'll see how it goes. We'll share more about the minutia, but don't worry about us. We've set this up in a way that I think we're going to be okay. 12 hours of TCB, May 31st. That's a Saturday. So if you choose to keep up with it, you can. And I don't think there's any major sporting events. I don't know, but I checked and it doesn't look like it.
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Weekend after Memorial Day. That's right. So have your fun and then, you know, get some popcorn. Get some popcorn. Put your earmuffs on, kids. It's 12 hours of TCB starting at 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. We'll be releasing an episode every hour on the hour or as close to it as I can possibly edit. And then we will be doing also live recording, too, meaning live.
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We'll record and you'll be able to tune in and watch us record. So you'll be able to hear it just a little bit early. Lots more details on that in coordination with our good friends at Central Talent Booking, Odyssey, Covert Creative. We plash design and video production firm and, quite frankly, us, the commercial break. So there you go.
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Okay, so lots more information coming up about that. Stay tuned. Next week, you want to be on the commercial break, call us, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3TCB. 3TCB. Between the hours of 12 and 2.30 p.m. Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, 15, 16, 17, or 14, 15, 16, call us and we may answer the phone.
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At the commercial break on Instagram, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak for all of the episodes the same day they air here on the audio feed. TCBpodcast.com, your free sticker. And all the audio and video. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Yeah, they group together. My mom moves a lot because I think people get annoyed. Or she gets annoyed. She gets annoyed easy. So she moves from table to table. And so when we go over to my mom's, she's got a very small apartment because she doesn't need a lot. And I don't like the kids, all 16 kids to be up there because they just cause drama.
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My mom doesn't give a shit. I give a shit. There's just a lot of stuff up there that I don't need. She's got medication. There's like a lot of shit that's not child-friendly.
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And so when we get together, I often say, let's do a meal. And she can rent the private dining room, which is off the main dining room. Just imagine like your dining room at your house or your grandma's house or your parents' house. It's like a... 15-foot by 10-foot room with a big table, and you just sit there. Renting it means it's yours for the hour or two.
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Yeah, you reserved. And so my mom often reserves this, and then we'll go over, and there's plenty of chairs. Everyone can have fun. They can run around. But every time we go there, it's showtime at the Apollo because the kids... are the youngest things these people have seen in like six days. And they're very excited by the youthfulness of the whole situation.
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And I can understand that because I am excited by the youthfulness of the situation often sometimes too. The energy is infectious. The kids are cute. We often doll, you know, Astrid, I say we, Astrid, dolls them up in nice clothing and they're presentable and they'll say hello and they'll twirl around. So they're like little... It's entertainment for the show they put on.
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Yes. As we walk the 150 feet through the dining room where we have to be stopped by every person who thinks the kids are cute, and that's every person at every table. Except for a few ornery ones. You know, there's some ornery people. Yeah, of course. Now, I would imagine that I'm going to get the side eye from everybody, and we're going to be shunned like pariahs.
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We're going to be like lepers in Jesus' time. Just shunned, shunned. Because... Most people my age don't like the commercial break. They think it's too much for them. Imagine what these 80-year-olds are thinking. It's too much for them. They're not even going to understand half the words we're saying, let alone be okay with me talking about coming and pissing and jizzing.
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And I'm sorry if you're eating breakfast. I apologize.
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I mean, you know, there's probably a few whiz bangers in there that were like, yeah, I agree with you, Brian. But I would imagine most people are not that way. You know, those people are long since gone. Those people have died. They died in the 80s. So yet another place I have to go and explain myself. And that doesn't always feel good.
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Sometimes I do wish I had a normal job where I just didn't have to explain myself. I meet other dads and they're like, you know, yeah, I own a bike shop or yeah, you know, I'm in the elevator business or whatever they do. And I'm like, oh, okay, that's great. Tell me more about it so I can pretend like I do that next time I meet somebody.
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Yes, Chrissy. That's exactly what I want to do. I'll tell you what my dream job is. My dream job, Drew Carey's job. Yeah. Ryan Seacrest's job. Elizabeth Banks' job. That's my dream job, honestly. Million dollars a year. plenty of money in my pocket, feed the kids.
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I don't know if I'll be able to send them to college for that, but, you know, I'll be able to feed them, house them, live comfortably, drive a car with four wheels and a whole hood. You know, all the accoutrements that go along with being comfortable. It seems like we might need a million dollars a year just to live these days, but...
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and get to go into the studio, work like maybe 100 days a year, maybe 100 days a year, knock out a couple episodes of Price is Right or whatever it is, and mosey on with life. Because I guarantee, and I know this for a fact, that Drew Carey doesn't get... harangued by thrones of adoring fans. Have you ever seen anyone? Have you ever met anyone that's like, oh my God, Drew Carey.
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Cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Chris Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris. Best to you, Brian.
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No, no one says that. He's the guy from The Price is Right and that show that one time was popular.
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Whose line is it anyway? That's right. Very talented guy. Very seems very affable. I've met him. He has breakfast at the same diner every morning. I told you this. I met him at a diner. Mel's Diner, I think is what it's called up in the hills of, you know, Hollywood Hills or whatever it is. He has breakfast, same breakfast every morning. At least he did back then.
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And this was just when he got the job. The price is right. And he was just super nice, super affable, reading his newspaper, very nice guy. He seems like it. There was no one, and I mean no one, that was bothering the guy. You want to know why? Because he's the guy from The Price is Right and no one cares.
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Now, I'm the guy from The Commercial Break and no one cares, but that seems like my perfect job because I'm in entertainment. I get to express that creativity. But they give me the cue cards. I just have to read it, inject a little bit of personality, meet some friendly faces, and then be on with my day.
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No, I mean, if I could throw a jizz in there every once in a while, if I could get a tidpick every once in a while and the price is right, I would do that. But I don't have to. It's... I don't have to. If I had to go work for Disney and do one of those silly game shows, I'd do it. I look at that Ryan Seacrest, and now he's got iHeartRadio wrapped into that wheel of fortune.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. How the hell are you? Including my mother, who now listens to the show, apparently.
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Oh, he really— He's making probably $20 million a year for all that he does.
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A little place here in Atlanta called Backstreet. If you know, you know.
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No, I don't know that to be true. That's all rumor. It's all rumor and speculation from his ex-boyfriend. So Ryan Seacrest, who's very talented, by the way. Yeah, he is. I mean, you have to be talented and smart and –
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Have your head on your shoulders to maneuver a 30 plus year career in the entertainment business from being like a local, you know, drive time DJ who wasn't particularly good at what he did. He parlayed that into an immense amount of success and money, an empire. He now runs Dick Clark Productions. He owns it, I think. So he does the New Year's Eve. He does the radio show. He does American Idol.
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He does Wheel of Fortune. He was doing, remember like Kelly and Ryan for a while? And remember during the pandemic, he had like a stroke or something on air, didn't he? Yeah. He had to take a couple days off. He called it exhaustion. Everyone else thought it was a stroke because it looked like a stroke.
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If you're listening closely to the commercial break, then you will know that my mom and her friends around the senior citizens' home table have discovered a way to listen to the commercial break. They've found it. After five years. Yes. Someone was young enough at the table to know what a podcast was. Either that or they listened to a lot of Fox News on podcasts. One of the two.
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He was the executive producer of the Kardashians. He brought it to E! And he said, you got to put these people on TV. They're highly entertaining. And, you know, this one who just did the sex tape, she's got a whole family of sex tapes behind her. So you guys got to get on this. And so he's the genius, essentially. He's the genus and the genius behind the Kardashians, which...
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like them, don't like them. They are the most famous people on earth. They really are. And besides Taylor Swift and a couple of others, I mean, they're the most famous people on earth. And Ryan, I think has a lot to do with that, or at least for telling what was to come. He certainly had his finger on the pulse in that moment. He knew what the public wanted and he sold it to him.
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And it seems like at every turn, he kind of knows that. Now, why is he doing Wheel of Fortune? I'm not sure. It seems like an odd move, but maybe he felt like I want to be in people's living rooms every day. in this family-friendly way, which has always been his style, like even in American Idol.
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He's never been particularly edgy, even when he was a radio disc jockey on a radio station called Star 94, which was like light pop rock, like nothing offensive, no hard rock, none of that. Top 40 hits, essentially.
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He's always been family-friendly. He's always gone that direction.
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Listen, he has multi-platformed himself right into a billion-dollar business. And I don't argue with it a bit. I say, good for you, Ryan. He's dated some of the most beautiful women on Earth. He was dating that girl from Dancing with the Stars.
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Juliana Huff. That's right. Who, by the way, is one of the best smelling human beings I have ever met in my entire life. I met her at a New Year's Eve party and she was, you could smell her across the room. She smelled like a, I don't know, a bundle of daisies wrapped in vanilla, wrapped in Really good smelling perfume. I mean, it was just amazing how good she smelled. But a beautiful woman also.
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Now she's doing Dancing with the Stars. Now she's like one of the hosts of Dancing with the Stars. But anyway, I digress back to Ryan. He's really done it for himself.
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I would absolutely take that career in a heartbeat if I didn't have to work as hard. If I could do like a tenth of what Ryan does and make the same money, I'm in. But otherwise, I decline the offer. I decline the job. I decline the job. I want to go Drew Carey's route. Drew doesn't need all the extra accrued termonts. He doesn't need to be in a radio studio every morning.
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We're going to have to move them out of the way. And the National Guard eventually went and started pushing cars out of the way. It was crazy. I, day number five, even though it was still very slick and sloggy out there, I made the decision to get in my own car with this young lady. I couldn't take it anymore. I was done. I was like, I got to get you home. I'm sorry. I got to get you home.
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And she's like, I just don't feel comfortable driving. I can hear the car sliding out there. And I was like, you may not feel comfortable driving, but I do. So let me get you home.
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What else could possibly go wrong with my car? If we crash, we crash. And I'm telling you what, we slid all the way over those side streets to get her home. And I slid all the way back. And I took a deep, solid breath when I got home. And I was like, thank God I can just ride this out by myself now. It was so... It turned into like the worst...
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Jamland Productions. Oh, Jamland. Jamland Productions. Goes right along with that EDM flavor.
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Three years later. I should have known right then. I did know. Right then and right there. But, you know, sometimes we're guns for punishment.
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Yeah. Not only did I used to say that to Chrissy, I would say that in the course of 24 hours. Yes. I would be like, we broke up. call later on in the day. We're back. It's on back on.
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You just broke up this morning. And I'd be like, yeah, no, it's fine. We're all good. Yeah, we patch things up.
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Thank God for Astrid. Thank God. Astrid's the best thing that ever happened to me. Christina, you have no idea.
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But I honestly think I had to get through schnitzel tits to get to Astrid. Yes, you did. To understand what a good partner is for me and then how to be a good partner to someone else. You just have to go through that stuff sometimes. You do, that's true. I firmly believe that we learn by doing, or at least I learn by, there's lots of people on earth.
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Presented by Jam Land. Presented by Jam Land Productions. DJ shit for brains.
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And I'm really good at giving relationship advice. I consider myself really good at giving relationship advice, but I can't take it to save my life. I just can't take my own advice. I can see a train wreck coming a mile away if it's somebody else that's getting in the train wreck.
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But I will literally stand on the tracks and the train will go forward and back up a couple times before I realize I shouldn't be standing on the fucking tracks. Listen, I'm just one of those guys. I have to learn by doing and then fail multiple times. And look at this podcast. Look at this podcast. We should have given this up three years ago. We should have socked it in.
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Anyway, we're probably snowed in. I'm probably calling bullshit. I'm trying to call the bullshit, but this looks like it actually might happen. So pray for us here in Atlanta. That's my favorite thing in the world is when social media starts making those posts about Atlanta after snow. Just pray for Atlanta. Pray for Atlanta with like a dusting of snow.
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Sorry, folks. Atlanta's closed. John Candy from The Vacation.
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I kind of love that movie. Get your memes ready and tag us on Instagram. We'd love to see it. We'll keep you posted. I promise I'll make a reel. If any kind of wintry weather happens, I'll post a reel and I'll tag the commercial break in it. All right. Let's take a break. We'll be back.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the Glenn Burns to my Ken Cook. Kristen Joy Hoadley, best to you, Kristen.
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I'm officially done with Facebook. I just want to share that with everybody.
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Yeah, Mark Zuckerberg knows how to get people to pay attention. I mean, good, bad, or indifferent, Mark has changed our lives. Actually, mainly bad and indifferent, Mark Zuckerberg has changed our lives. But it just seems like... I mean...
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I know this happens with every single administration, and I'm not claiming that Trump is the only one this is happening with, but it sure does seem like the robber barons are kneeling at the, I don't know, the throne of Trump. And it's really strange to me to see them so publicly sucking a dick. I mean, honestly.
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Of course. Yeah, that's the thing is that he makes such a big stink about every single thing and he causes a lot of drama with – like normally I think most presidents, with the exception of some in our history, would just kind of like – OK, I'm not going to – I'm not going to publicly lambast you. That's for the regular. Yeah, that's private. That's right. I do that privately.
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Privately, I step on your business. I don't publicly do it. But they're so scared of getting a public tongue lashing and having, you know, whatever. I'm not sure whatever happened. They're so scared of it that they just kneel and they bow. And it's really quite disturbing to me. I liked when all this stuff happened in private that I didn't know about it. And I didn't have to be upset.
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Yeah, I mean, Trump's threatening to invade Greenland and Panama? Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? Now, listen, we probably could invade. Panama doesn't even have a standing army. That could be a really easy take. All right, I get that one. But Greenland? You're going to go for Greenland? Let Greenland be, for God's sakes. Do we really need Greenland?
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Welcome to a little weather-related opening. Winter weather warning.
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I mean, he says it's like a military strategic. Maybe it is, but we already have relationship with Greenland. Why do we want to own another country? Can't we get this one right before we start looking at others? Canada, the 51st state? Really? How about making Puerto Rico the 51st state and give them the attention that they need? Before we go paying attention to Canada.
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But of course, we know why that's not going to happen. Anywho, the one guy that I still like out of all this, the one billionaire that I'm still, you know, thinking is semi sane is Mark Cuban.
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Yeah, Mark Cuban is at least, I mean, listen, I don't love everything about Mark Cuban, but I think generally he speaks truth to power and he seems to not be afraid.
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Living Alive only does storm alert days in serious situations. This is to be taken seriously, I just read. It's a Friday here on the commercial break, and we're not actually here on a Friday. We're probably embedded in one and a half inches of snow that has crippled the city.
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Here's what's going to be shocking to some listeners who are no longer listening because they don't like the fact that their fannies are hurt that I talked about Trump in a negative way. But if your fanny is hurt that I talked about Trump in a negative way, let me share something with you that might be surprising. I don't disagree with everything Trump has to say. Don't disagree with it.
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Don't disagree with some of the stuff that him and some of the people that are around him say I actually agree with. I think that we do need big change in this country. I don't think the country works for a lot of folks, but I don't think we're going to get there by kowtowing to billionaires. I just don't think we're going to do that. That's my personal opinion.
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There should be a nice adversarial relationship going on with people who control most of the wealth in this country, and we should be checking them to make sure that their cup don't spilleth over crushing everybody in the process. And that should be part of the government's responsibility, should be to checks and balances to make sure. I'm not saying take away their wealth.
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I don't believe in that. I don't believe in wealth distribution. But I'm saying that we shouldn't just be cuddling up to them and letting them do whatever the fuck they want to do, nor should it be the opposite way around. I don't believe that because I don't think that's good for us, the small people, the people who don't make any money podcasting.
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I want to be a billionaire, too, but I'm never going to get there because, you know, I don't know. It's because there's certain people, you know, they just seem to be absorbing a ton of wealth without any checks and balances and not doing great by the people who allow them to get that rich. Amazon is a perfect example of this. They don't treat their employees very well.
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And at every turn that the employees are trying to help themselves get out of that city situation or make it a little bit better, they get crushed. And we're not helping them. And the new administration doesn't seem to be willing to help them. They want to fight against it. Why? Why? Why shouldn't we help the workers at Amazon? They bring me. A random microphone wire in three hours. I know.
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Yeah, but those people, those people who do bring me the random microphone wire in three hours. Let me give you a story for all the kids out there. When I first started playing guitar and I got an amplifier... Sonny! God damn it, Brian! Shut that shit up! When I got the first ever amplifier ever made in 1909... The Fender number one.
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When I got that, I needed a wire in order to plug that thing in. You know what I had to do? I had to go to my dad, ask him for a ride to the guitar store that was 26 miles away to then go and pay for that wire and bring it back to the house. That entire process took about six weeks because my dad knew once I plugged the guitar in, it was all over for the rest of the house. And man, was it.
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If I didn't, every three minutes here, Brian, turn it down. What the fuck? Shut up.
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So now the amazing development that Amazon can get you anything at any time and bring it to you within hours. is a blessing among blessings. It is like a gift from the heavens. It makes your life so incredibly easier. And if you, the regular listener at home, doesn't believe that those people should be treated correctly, then you are a shithead. Period. End of sentence.
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There's nothing else to say. Same with the grocery deliveries and the FedEx guy and the people who work behind the coffee counter and whoever.
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The people who work for us and do the things that make our lives easier, more convenient, better, healthier, whatever you want to say. Those are the people that we should take care of. Jeff Bezos, we don't need to worry about.
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Bread and milk. Mac and cheese or like, you know, canned soup or something.
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Who fucking cares? No one's going to ever bother Jeff Bezos. Do you think Jeff Bezos orders Amazon? Here's a question I have. Do you think Jeff Bezos uses Amazon Prime? I bet he does, too.
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Maybe not. Maybe he's got like a, he's probably got an account where like he racks shit up. Yeah. You think Jeff orders like, you know, oat milk at three in the morning to be delivered by seven?
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He's got an assistant whose assistant's assistant does that because that person probably never talks, speaks to Jeff Bezos. Jeff just sends a text message to his most trusted advisor who then sends a million people out to do everything. And that's okay. I'm not arguing with that. I'd love to be in that position. As long as I didn't hurt anybody else to get there, I'd love to be in that position.
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Bread, milk and water. Those are the things that go in the alcohol.
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But there's the point also, is that I think we need to just consider how everybody... I think everybody... I think certain people... have this mentality. I don't fault them for that. I think certain people have this mentality that that's what I want. I want to be Jeff Bezos. I want to be the millionaire. I want to drive the Lamborghini. I want to have a boat. I want to live in the Lamborghini.
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It's a Puccini mushroom mixed with a Labrador Retriever. Yeah, it's a Labradoodle. I think they have this impression that that's what I want. And, okay, that's great. That's the American dream. Everybody wants that. But you're going to need the help and the cooperation of people who may never realize that dream in order to get there.
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Gasoline, firewood. I mean, it's like people just go fucking bananas around here. And the pandemonium has already started and it's only the middle of the week. I'm referring to this winter storm that's supposedly going to affect some parts of the southeast, like the city of Atlanta, where we live, where we record. I got to be honest with you. I just don't believe the bullshit anymore.
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And if we cannot step on heads on the way up the ladder, lest we meet them on the way back down, I just think that it might be a better place to live, a better society in general. And so I argue sometimes that...
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Cuddling up to all of the robber barons that are out there right now and making their lives easier at the expense of everybody else who's helping them get there is really a shitty attitude to have. And it doesn't work.
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child labor the uh the chinese people built our railroads and everybody else got rich i argue chrissy here's the surprise for you because brian's gonna know a history fact even the egyptians treated their people shitty now we're not living in egypt though we're living in the united states of america in 2024 this should be a little bit different 2025 thank you me and my kid both still trying to get used to that new number
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I'm arguing it. I'm fighting it all the way. But I'm sorry. The guy of all the billionaires, the billionaire that really makes me just like hot under the collar is that Mark fucking Fuckerberg. He is so terrible. He's just like, is he human? I'm not even sure. That's not a robot with skin on it. Do you know what I'm saying? He doesn't move his head or blink his eyes. What's wrong with that?
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How do you do that? Practice. Yeah, I know. Facebook has just turned into a cesspool of disgustingness. I mean, maybe the marketplace is fine, and apparently everybody's dating on there now. So maybe I'm just an old man who can't get hep with the kids. I don't know. I don't know. But, you know, fuck you. I don't want to be on Facebook anymore.
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Yeah. I'm getting with the newfangled Instagram. Those people are better over there. Oh, wait, it's owned by Mark Zuckerberg? Yeah. Shit!
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Nextdoor is going to – Who owns Nextdoor? Probably some Chinese company. I don't know. I have no idea.
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Yeah, no. I think Nextdoor is a private company. It's probably owned by Uber Eats or something. I don't know. Who fucking knows?
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My landscaping company owns next door. Instead of buying Greenland, let's buy next door. How's that? Kevin O'Leary is thinking about buying TikTok.
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Which is beyond, beyond to me. I have a hard time believing that the guy who's... I don't know. You know, kind of the persnickety jerk-off from Shark Tank, which I don't have any problems with Kevin O'Leary. Quite frankly, I think he's pretty smart. But, you know, that guy is going to own TikTok?
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Is this going to be another Justin Timberlake MySpace moment where TikTok just goes into oblivion because of who owns it? Do you remember when Justin bought MySpace?
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I've been living in this city for way too long. I've even noticed that I think the meteorologists don't believe the bullshit anymore. I don't even think they think they know what's actually going to happen because they're wrong every fucking time. They're wrong about where the hurricane goes. They're wrong about what the weather is going to be in an hour, let alone five days from now.
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TikTok's alive and well, and there are a lot of creators who... rightfully are very nervous and very scared that their way of living is going to be gone because TikTok has paid a lot of creators a lot of money and a lot of people applaud them for that, as do I. If you're helping the platform be successful, you should participate in some way, shape or form.
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But a lot of creators are very nervous that this TikTok ban will go into effect. I think it's now it's going to be sitting in front of the Supreme Court. It's up to Donald Trump whether or not I guess he signs the bill into law.
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Yeah. And you know what? For that, I applaud you, Barron. Listen, I think that it's very dangerous to have China have all this information at their disposal. But I'm not smart enough to understand why that's dangerous. I just think in my head, other people have said it's dangerous. You know what I'm saying? Isn't all of our information readily accessible anyway if you really want it?
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Couldn't China just pay LexisNexis to get that information? Or any private institution could pay LexisNexis? I mean, one time I applied for a car loan. This was like three years ago. I am still getting phone calls to this day where they know my middle name, my mom's maiden name, and they know what make, model, and license plate number I have on the car. They know where I work.
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They know where I live. They know everything about me, not because I gave them that information, because they bought that information from the person who gave me the loan. Now they're trying to buy the loan. Now they're trying to get in the game. They're trying to make a little bit of money off me. That's the way it goes. So if China wants our info, can't they just give it to us anyway?
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I understand it's on your phone and they're sucking up your emails and all that stuff. But listen, let's be real. All of us have a phone network. Where there's an arrestable offense somewhere on there. You know what I'm saying? Somewhere on there, there's an arrestable offense.
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I knew it. I knew it. Instagram's doing the same thing. Facebook has been doing it for a long time. I am telling you, when I first got into... When I first got into internet marketing, way back when Google was a thing, back before search engine optimization, also known as SEOs. Do you guys do SEOs? We do do SEOs. Oh, yes, we do do SEOs.
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When Google had just come online and search engine optimization, manipulating the search engines to make your website or web presence rank higher, search engine optimization. When that was a thing, a whole cottage industry popped up under it. Now it's all AI-driven, and I don't know that SEO is – I don't know. Who knows? I haven't kept up with the SEOs, okay? That's what I'm trying to say.
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We had a meeting one time with a gentleman, and this gentleman was starting a company. I'd love to know where this gentleman is today. The gentleman was starting a company where they would take, based on your Facebook application that was on your phone or your Google app at the time, your Google information.
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They would ping your phone, determine where you were exactly within like 50 feet, and then they would serve you up. Geofencing. Geofencing, an advertisement to a particular shop or service that was close by.
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And every time they put together one of these special storm alerts, which we have going on right now, everybody runs to the fucking store. There are lines. It's pandemonium. Everyone's driving like an asshole trying to get home. I don't know to apparently make French toast with their bread, milk and eggs. I don't know what's going on. But then what's going to happen? It's going to rain.
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And then they would buy all the information from whatever company, LexisNexis or whoever, and triangulate that information so that the owner of that place that just got served up that ad would know exactly who you were and where you were. So that when they came in, they would already be prepared to serve you or know what your preferences were or your taste.
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This was like highly advanced at the time. But it has all happened long since. Everybody knows the information. Are we really scared about TikTok having that information? I don't know. But I guess I would feel a little bit better if Kevin O'Leary owned it. Because I'd rather Kevin have my information than a bunch of random Chinese communists. You know what I'm saying?
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Kevin, give me a call. I'll help you work out this deal with TikTok. He's buying it for $300 billion, supposedly. Who's giving him that loan? Because I don't think Kevin has $300 billion.
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A bunch of hedge funds. That's what happens. That's how it all works. A bunch of hedge funds. That's how Elon got Twitter. A bunch of hedge funds. Private equity. Whatever that means. Equity that's private that no one knows about. That's what it is. It's a complicated machinery. I don't have time to explain it here on the show. But just trust me. It's private and it's equitized.
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That's all you need to know. It's private and it's equitable, just not for you. Okay? You understand? All right. I've been on my rant for 30 minutes. Now we're done. Let's do this.
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I just saw Mark Zuckerberg right before we got on the show and it made me angry and I thought I'd go on a little rant about how I'm feeling about the oligarchs that are now ruling our society. I'm not mad at their money. I really am not. I believe that in America you should be able to be a billionaire if you work hard and you do it correctly.
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And I think it might be hard to always do things correctly when you're a billionaire. But that's a different conversation for a different day. But let's not just – Cuckold them. Let's make sure they're doing right by at least most people. Do you know what I'm saying, Chrissy?
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Well, thank you for agreeing with me at least on this one thing. All right. We'll take a break. We'll be back.
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Wow. Seven to nine inches of snow in some locations is now predicted.
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That's what's going to happen. It's going to rain. And we're all going to get seven days. Yes. We just got off 30 days of no school and we're going to have 30. Three more school days where I got to go fucking crazy because my kids are running around the house with nothing to do. Fuck you. Fuck you. Chesley, Nesley, or whatever your name is.
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It's going to rain. It's going to rain. It's going to rain. No, that's here. That's here where we're at right now. Metro. North Metro. But just south of here, like where you live. Let's look at that prediction. One to three inches.
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Well, just stay up where the other house you stay at and then you'll get all the snow. All right. Settle down, my 15th child. Simmer down. Simmer down. Yeah, you know, hey, listen, maybe it turns into something that we all need to be concerned about.
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I will. I will have more confidence in this, I think, tomorrow because I think 24 hours out. Yeah, the day of. They're generally – they generally – they get within the earshot of it. But you just take those hurricanes, for example. You'd think after so many years of data with the hurricanes that they could predict with some kind of certainty, like a cone of certainty.
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Brian's escape with Cone of Uncertainty. Opening. This Friday. Yeah.
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This Friday at the Chameleon Club on 10th Street. In very dangerous downtown Atlanta. Cone of certainty with Brian's escape. And isolated fingering. Special guest, isolated fingering. Special guest, get your bell rung.
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Do you remember the Chameleon Club? Yeah. Wow. The Rec Room. Oh, God. All those places. I was just reading that last night that while EDM, electronic dance music, has seen it is like the WWE is having its moment in the sun. It is really having its moment in the sun.
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Chrissy, I thought to myself, I'm so happy that Enya's seeing a resurgence. And then I realized that that's not the same Enya, it's Enya, or whatever it is. No, it was... Yeah, isn't it Enya? Can you look up who's a sphere? Anima. Anima. Yeah, Anima.
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Look at Enya Sphere. I don't know if that's the way it's pronounced.
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Well, I will tell you what, I am 100, like most of my business predictions, I was 100% wrong about the sphere. Yeah. I thought the sphere would be a gimmick and eventually they'd be playing like, you know, National Geographic whale movies on. Like IMAX. Yeah, like IMAX movies that were specially made for it. And I was 100% wrong. And even the video is pretty impressive. Oh, my God, yeah.
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I used to have the whiz-o-meter, but I married Astrid, and she said no whiz-o-meter for me.
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Yeah, I know you saw The Dead there. I'd like to see The Dead there, too. I think that would be great. I'd love to see Fish there. I think they're going to also make a return, apparently, according to my Fish sources. They're doing CES out there right now. It's hard to believe that I even have Fish sources, but I do. CES and the porn show are together every year, just to let you know.
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The ABN Awards and the CES are together every year. I think they are anyway. I believe that's been going on for a long time. But that sphere is a technological achievement of epic proportions.
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And everyone who's been there, and I've talked to a number of people who have, including you, really have been very impressed by what they have managed to accomplish. And it's no gimmick. Like, it really is a technological feat because apparently no matter where you sit in the entire building, you're either going to get bad vertigo and feel like you're going to fall down or –
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You're just going to see the visuals of a lifetime in an electronic setting, like a television screen type setting.
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No whiz-o-meter for me. We're going to take the whiz out of the o-meter. Okay. Why does my mind always go there? Of course, we just spent all day yesterday looking at penises. We did. There you go. That's a hard one to explain to Ashton.
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The thing that I think is the biggest technical accomplishment is the 100,000 plus speakers that are in the building that are directed at every single seat in the same way. Yeah. So that you, no matter where you are, can hear, have the exact same audio experience, which is like a live...
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Music lovers dream because we all know that depending on where you are and what venue it is, there's some seats that are better than others for the sound. Yeah. Like I kind of know where to sit inside of the State Farm Arena in order to have a good experience. I kind of understand if, you know, in a outdoor venue where you should stand to hear something. Well, the Fox Theater.
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The Fox Theater is one of those few places, I think, where you pretty you have a pretty good seat no matter what, unless you're sitting behind a post. But here's the point. The point is, that is amazing that this guy had this dream, went a billion dollars over budget, and managed to ride it out to bring together one of the most amazing venues or the most amazing venue that has ever been created.
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And the experience is worth all of the hype. And I think I can't wait to experience it. I'm really excited. And to answer you, yeah, I saw Anima or whatever it is. I saw a bunch of those videos.
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Yeah. I mean, everybody in the audience was taking a video of this. So that part might have annoyed me a little bit. But there are millions of videos out there. Christine is looking at one right now.
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It is so fucking cool. And I had no idea this Annie Ma or whoever it was even existed.
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I thought I literally thought when I breezed by the article that it was Enya. And I was like, Enya, good for them. I can't even believe they're still alive, let alone making it.
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Yeah, and quite amazing. Anyway, so here's the reason why I even brought EDM up, is because EDM saw a 17% increase in global revenue in general, the category of music in live entertainment and sales and streams and all that. It's a $17.5 billion industry right now. Some of the largest...
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outdoor shows some of the largest festivals are EDM when everybody seems to be suffering a little bit except for of course Mempho when everybody seems to be suffering a little bit in the live music industry electronic dance music is not but here is a weird thing that is happening there is now fewer late night overnight clubs
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to go to dance clubs to go to than any time in the last 40 years they're closing at a rapid rate people do not or are not raving anymore they're not going overnight you know they're not going late night to clubs to see uh this edm to see the dance music like they used to in droves so while everything else is kind of seeing a boost a boom including daytime
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I go in the kitchen yesterday and I go, hey, babe, I got a little concern about our new video team. And she's like, what? And I go, well, listen, we just spent the entire episode looking at dicks. And I'm not sure that I should say. And she goes, wait, did you say you spent the entire episode looking at dicks? And I was I did spend the entire episode looking. Why are you looking at dicks?
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live edm shows yeah anytime you know i've seen this they like this these people in new york have put together this sober rave the morning sober rave have you seen that yes yeah the silent disco one uh no this is a different one but they do have silent disco too i have a friend who got in on the silent disco thing early uh he worked at simcoe fm the fashion plate remember chris martin the fashion play he got in early on bought into one of those businesses and every other day
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He's at a church. He's at a conference. He's at a rave. He's somewhere with those headphones, thousands of them, giving them out to people. He must be fucking killing it. His business must have grown 10x because he's really doing well for himself.
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But these sober raves, these people on Instagram started inviting people like, you know, they'll invite them the night before to this location the next morning. Sober morning rave. Yeah, before you go to work. And before they go to work and they go and they dance and then they go to work and probably go happy to work.
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Exactly. You got a little bit of the, you know, you got a little bit of the fussies out. Yeah, you got the endorphins going. I would argue that everybody's sober. But, you know, that's just me. And I'm sure there's a few people who are still up from the night before. There's got to be a few. Yeah.
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But when I was in my early 20s, while I admittedly did not do this every night of the week, I used to love to go to those clubs in downtown Atlanta, you know, twice, three times a month and go listen to electronic dance music. Did you know that I, for a while, was an EDM promoter?
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Yes. If you had to put a gravestone with all of my professions on it, It'd be like the Washington Monument.
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This was after 33P, but before La Strada. It was sometime in that weird space right there.
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Oh, after 33P. No, 33P was when I was like 16 years old, 17 years old. I was a baby then.
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That's right. It's a natural transition. Chrissy, I'm telling you what. It was a weird time to be alive and Brian was as weird as possible. And I think I just see, like, I'm one of those guys who hops on the trend seven days after it already has peaked and started, you know. I buy Bitcoin at $100,000. It goes back down to $60,000. You know what I'm saying? I do.
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Actually, altcoin is one of the only things that I've predicted correctly. But anyway, I met a couple of guys at a restaurant that I was working at. And one of them likened himself a DJ back when Gay Raj.
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He likened himself. I'll say likened himself a DJ because he used to put CDs of mixed music together. And we used to give them out. And I helped promote some of his shows. How did that go? It didn't go well because not many people showed up. And then one time I put together a fashion show slash EDM concert.
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And I go, well, listen, it was for a show that we did about naked attraction. And she's like, I just don't understand some of the content. Yeah.
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And the only thing I got out of it was to see some girl's boobs because she changed in front of me. That was the only thing. I got no money. Worth it. Yeah, it was worth it. I just want it down at this Buckhead Club. But for a minute there, I saw the EDM. You likened yourself to an EDM promoter. I likened myself to an EDM promoter. It was fun while it lasted.
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Jam Land Productions. Goes right along with that EDM flavor.
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Presented by Jam Land. Presented by Jam Land Productions. DJ shit for brains.
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And starring, and on the turntables, the world's lamest 54-year-old white man.
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We had this guy. He was a hippie. He was like a way hippie. And he was very not smart. He was like, his brain was fried. He would be like, huh? And he sold cocaine for like a living. That's what he did. But he decided that he was going to get in on Jam Land Productions, that he could do the turntables. And he got up one night. He got up one night last. There was no one in the club.
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It was like a Monday night. Chrissy, it was like a Monday night. It was the only night we could give anybody to give us a night. And so we put together a fashion show. That didn't work. We had DJ Shit for Brains play. That didn't work. There was like seven people in the club. Most of them were employees that were off. You know what I'm saying? Like employees that weren't working.
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It was really terrible. But the guy promised us a month. So on the fourth week... The guy who we, the DJ whatever, who was going to spin, who actually probably could have brought 10 or 15 people into the door because he kind of had been doing this for a while, he decided mysteriously to cancel. He was like, I'm sorry, guys, can't do it.
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And so we got this guy, Pete, the hippie, the 54-year-old, long-haired, tie-dye wearing, sandals covered. I mean, he wore sandals everywhere. And he was a backup. There was no place else to go with it. We needed somebody. And literally, the guy brought a tape player, plugged it in, and started playing live great.
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So for this, we got like 20% of the door, which equals $0 every night, all four of those nights. And then we also got a $100 bar credit, which I would burn through in like a first hour. Of course. Because I'd be buying drinks for any girls that were, you know, I just was like.
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Well, I didn't. I didn't. What I did was I sent the audio. I sent just us in our reaction to the video. I didn't actually send the actual video because YouTube is not going to show it anyway. So what's the fucking point? I'm certainly not going to put a clip of that on Spotify. Can you imagine all our new Venezuelan listeners and all they see is a big uncircumcised penis?
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Hey, Jam Land Productions. Put it on the Jam Land tab. You should have seen these bartenders. They were like, I've seen a million of you. And you're making me work on a Monday night for no money. And you're not going to tip me. How do I know that? Because you can't afford to buy drinks. I would come in and I'd be wearing like a Huey Abera, like a Cuban short-sleeved shirt, middle of winter.
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Pants that were too big because I couldn't afford them. Yes. Birkenstocks. I'd come walking in like, you know, Mr. Club. And I'd be like, get the lighting on. Where's the speaker? Who got that? Are the girls ready?
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Do we have any dancing girls? Where's the smoke machine? I'd go in there. I took charge of the place. One time I walked back in the office of the club.
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And I go, oh, I just had a question. And he was like, I'll be out in a minute. This is for management. Here, management. You're just a shithead that's making us no money. And so I was flying around the club, talking to seven, you know, trying to make, you know, I was the guy. I was doing nothing, actually. It's probably what I was doing. Sweating.
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I had got four nights and none of them had worked out. I was so bad at this.
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And, you know, once the guy plugged in the tape player to play his old Grateful Dead, I just, I didn't even ask for another.
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JamLand Productions
San Francisco 78 plus Enya. Yeah. I'm going to put it together.
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JamLand Productions
So let me explain that once that guy got on there and he actually tried to mix the Grateful Dead live shows with a beat, it was all over. It was game over. The manager came over to me and he was like, what is this? And I go, well, listen, he's got kind of this new style. It's like a little bit, he's trying to mix the jamming with the, and he's like, I don't think this works, man.
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And I was like, well, what do you want me to do? I mean, you know, we had our guy cancel on us. So do you mind if he just kind of plays it out?
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JamLand Productions
The club closed at 2 a.m. This guy maybe started at 10.30 p.m. The club mysteriously had to close at midnight.
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JamLand Productions
Not a one person. Not one. Everybody scattered. The seven people that were there scattered. Listen, I don't claim to be a business genius. Just look at the commercial break. But I will tell you this. At least I've tried.
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JamLand Productions
Oh, man, did I dibbity dabble. Hey, man, can that $100 go toward cocaine?
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JamLand Productions
Yeah, do you have any? I got a bar credit. Can I transfer that to the guy at the end of the bar who's clear is selling cocaine? Is that okay with you? How about giving me a tip, asshole, and then we'll talk. All right, bro. Don't get all upset.
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JamLand Productions
Another Bud Light. That's the other thing, the club guy running around with a Bud Light in his hand. What an asshole I was.
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JamLand Productions
Anyway, here in Atlanta, when it's when there's snow, when there's threat of snow, when there's threat of winter weather, it is just like it's like a sport here in Atlanta. It's like a sport to see who can cancel school first. How many days can we not go to work and how many people can freak out over nothing, quite frankly. Now, to be fair. In the occasion when, and there's been many of these.
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True. I did have my Cuban shirt on. I've been a real asshole in my life. That's what I'm coming to realize. I'm kind of a jerk-off. When you get older, you realize.
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When you get older, you realize that all those things you say about yourself, they're true.
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JamLand Productions
Gustavo going to come in and make an appearance next week. Don't miss out on it. TCB infomercial for you on Tuesday. We had guests lined up, but at least one of them is canceled because of the wildfires.
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JamLand Productions
Yeah, we didn't get a chance to talk about that, but I hope everybody's doing okay out in Los Angeles, our agents out there, people that we know. So God bless. That's crazy. That is apocalyptic. That is apocalyptic.
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I can deal with ice and snow. Fire, that's scary. I don't want anything to do with that. So, God bless you. If you're out in Los Angeles, let us know you're okay. Dial us up. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, job ideas for Brian. What's next? Right. We'll take them all right there at the phone number. You can also leave us a voicemail if you're so brave.
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CCBpodcast.com. That's where you find all the audio, all the video. It's all there, right there on the website. So if you're a browser kind of person, feel free to browse. Go browse.
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JamLand Productions
Except the naked attraction one. Maybe that's where we should post it, is on the website. Like, you must be 18 to view this kind of thing. But don't mind our spelling. One of my brothers just texted me. I saw that.
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JamLand Productions
I'll tell you. Okay, anyway. No, my brother was pointing out a typo in our actual website. He's like, I think you misspelled this. We'll get it right. It's only been up there for a year. We'll get it right eventually. Don't worry about it. All right. Add the commercial break on Instagram. On TikTok. I'm wondering where Pete went. Whatever happened to Pete?
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JamLand Productions
I know. I know what happened to Pete. He actually bought Jam Land Productions. He bought it from us for $500 and a gram of cocaine. And YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break for every single episode of The Commercial Break now on video. So go ahead and check that out. We certainly would appreciate it. Subscribe, like on your favorite videos. Do us a favor.
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All right, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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JamLand Productions
The National Guard is picking people up out of their hot vehicles. They always get it wrong. Always. So when they say there's going to be three to six inches of snow where we are right now, I just don't believe it. I don't have any reason to believe it because it never comes true.
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JamLand Productions
Yeah, I know. Maybe AI can help. But they don't seem to be getting any better at this. And here's the thing. What? Everybody will remember a couple of events here in Atlanta having to do with wintery mix. The year of the Super Bowl, whatever that was, 2002? No, well... 2003?
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JamLand Productions
Okay. All right. So actually four separate events. The first one, and all of them I got stuck in strange circumstances. Let me explain. First one, weather people don't call it, and there literally was like 18 inches of snow. This is back in the 90s. I was stuck. Like 95? Yeah, 94, 95. I went to my friend's older sister's house at Georgia Southern University.
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I've told that story before where I made out with some girl and then she freaked out because I was underage. And she had some guy call and threaten me like he was his boyfriend. Anyway, all right. I'm not going to repeat the story. It was kind of gross and people didn't like it. All right, so... Christina remembers it. So she's thanking God I'm not repeating the story. The smell. That's all I got.
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JamLand Productions
I can just remember the smell of that situation. But I got stuck in Georgia Southern at Georgia Southern University for days. My dad had to pay for a hotel room because we couldn't literally couldn't drive back to Atlanta. Then there is the 2002-2003 ice storm. Uh-huh. When overnight, we accumulated five to six inches of not snow, not rain, ice.
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And it literally turned to ice as soon as it hit the ground, hit the wires, hit the cars. And everybody was socked in for days. This crippled the city in a way that I will never forget because I went without power and heat for four or five days. We had to open the oven. We had to turn the oven on and open it to get heat in the house. That's safe. And I was doing blow. Oh.
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What story of Brian's doesn't include the word blow if it's previous to 2007?
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JamLand Productions
Dee was able to get out. We managed to connect before the ice storm. So thank God I had my supplies. Most people go for bread and milk. Brian's going for blow and Bud Light. I was over at – remember I told the story how one of my friends wanted me to kind of cuck his wife? He was gay and he wanted me to kind of cuck his wife. You worked with her. No, I worked with him at the La Strada.
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JamLand Productions
And then he left to go work at the gay bar overnight. And he asked me to take care of his wife while he was out at the gay bar doing his thing. And I took care of her. And what we really ended up doing a lot of times was just sitting around doing drugs. And so like many other nights before, we decided that we were going to do drugs.
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And when we did this, we start to realize that shit outside was getting a little bit hairy. We and the gay bar closed early because it was getting hairy. And so we had to drive down to pick all kind of fucking twisted. We drove down to pick him up on the highway. sliding from one lane to the other. The scariest ride I've ever taken. Maybe because of the cocaine.
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JamLand Productions
Maybe because it was actually scary. Not really sure. But we slid back and forth all the way to pick him up. By the time we got back north of Atlanta, things were just bad.
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JamLand Productions
Transformers were exploding. Trees were falling. And I lived about four miles down Roswell Road. And a decision was made. There was no more driving going to be done. I walked that four miles back to where I was living. And I'll never forget this.
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It took me hours to walk home. Hours to walk home. I just remember slipping and sliding everywhere.
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JamLand Productions
I don't know why I had to go home. I think I was on coke and I was getting uncomfortable and I was worried I was going to get stuck. And there was a cat in the apartment. And I, you know, if I was doing blow, I was not having an allergic reaction. But after the effects of my decongestant wore off, I was going to have it. A panic attack. And, you know, I'm really allergic to cats.
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JamLand Productions
And so I just think I just got in my own head. And I'm like, I got to go. I got to get back home. I don't want to be stuck here for days. And at that time, now we had the news on and the news was saying, holy shit, what we said wasn't going to happen, happened.
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JamLand Productions
The whole city sucked in and no one has power. So when I'm walking home, I remember walking toward a gas station on Roswell Road, and there was a light post, had a transformer on it, one of those round things that sits up there that converts, whatever the fuck that does. That thing exploded when I was about a football field away from it, and I could feel it in my testicles.
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It was the loudest, deepest explosion I had ever heard. It hurt my ears, and the light was like a thousand suns. It was crazy. Boom.
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JamLand Productions
just exploded sparks flying everywhere and so i started to hustle up just a little bit quicker toward home trees branches falling cracking it was the apocalypse and brian's walking home i had a perfectly warm place to sleep by the way the apartment that i left had power the entire time the apartment that i went back to had no power when i got home for four days i had no power
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JamLand Productions
When I was on the second date, my second date with a girl who I. Yes. Anyway. Yes. She came over to my house to watch a movie. And I'll never forget. We watched Inception is the movie that we watched. And I smoked cigarettes at the time. So did she. And so as the movie ended, we decided to go outside and smoke a cigarette. When we started Inception, it was raining.
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JamLand Productions
We went out almost three hours later to go smoke a cigarette.
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JamLand Productions
It went crazy quickly. And I lived in an apartment. And if you walked outside of my apartment, I was on like, you know, it was one of these that kind of sits on the side of a hill. And that hill pointed toward I-75, which is the major artery that goes right through the city. So I live downtown right off. And I say right off 75, right off 75. I could see it when I walked into my apartment. Yeah.
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And as we woke up the next, so of course she couldn't go anywhere. She was scared to drive. I agreed with her. There were a lot of, the problem with the city of Atlanta is it's very hilly and none of our streets are congruent. There is no going around the block in Atlanta. If you head onto a street, you're kind of stuck there for the next 10 miles. You know what I'm saying?
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You can't go around the block. You have to grid. Someone was on acid when they developed the city of Atlanta. Cause it's crazy. So the next morning when we woke up and we are watching this, this is night number one on the second date I have with this young lady. We're into like the 24th hour of this date. When I...
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Woke up the next morning, I turn on the TV and I see that the helicopters are flying above the highway where I live. Like I could go outside. I could hear the helicopters above me. The TV cameras are literally down on the street because there are thousands of vehicles that are stuck in there, stuck right there where I live, like on 75, stuck right there. People are stuck.
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The National Guard is called in to try and bring them water and food. I walked outside to go see what was going on. And as I look over the balcony, there was a trucker in the woods down the hill where I live. There was a trucker, his ass full of glory. Letting the hot shit out right there on the side of the highway.
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JamLand Productions
I was like, oh, my God. I thought transformer explosion was apocalypse. This felt much more like apocalypse to me. So in the good spirit of being an Atlantan, we made a pot of coffee, a big couple pots of coffee, and we went out there and started bringing coffee.
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I likened myself to an EDM promoter. It was fun while it lasted. And guess what the name of the company was that I created?
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Coffee's going to speed that up. Oh, yeah. So we brought coffee. We brought water. We made a couple of trips out. That was also a slippery. We were kind of sliding down the ramp. Oh, yeah. But that's what we did. Anyway, day number five. Still a little sloggy out there on the roads. But now I could see that cars were out there driving. Moving.
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JamLand Productions
On the side streets, not on the highway yet, because eventually the National Guard got everybody out of their car, took them to wherever it is they were going, like a cab service, and the cars just sat there on the highway. Yeah, they did. And the governor, like seven days into this, had to say on TV, if you don't move your car today, we are going to tow you. You need to move your car.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Speaking of two birds of a feather to flock together, fall in love. You know, Chrissy, we love our dating shows around here. We've reviewed so many of them. I can't even remember all the names. But one of the ones that sticks with us, two of the ones that stick with me, are Blind Date, which we just reviewed a couple episodes ago.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And what I really would love to do is I'd love to review another Love Connection episode as we get into the thick of summer. And, you know, we... Ja, genau. Dating Game. It was the OG Tinder. It's the very first Tinder. True. You take a look at pictures and a little bit of information about somebody and then you make a decision about who you want to go out with. You meet up with them.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You bang real quick and then you ghost them. That's how it works. That's how it always works. You show a little knee. Yeah, you show a little knee. You show a little knee. Maybe you get a knee job. And then you move on. A knee job. You mind if I... I know you don't want to take the bird. You mind if I fuck your knee? Okay. Nothing like a knee fuck. Nothing like a knee fuck.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I wonder how many people have knee fucked. You know it's happened. Probably. You know there's some douchebag out there that was like, let me fuck the back of your knee.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Listen, I know that Rachel and I have talked about this multiple times. When you get that smell, when somebody has that smell.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You literally want to chop them up and eat them. You literally, it's like a baby. It's like a baby or a puppy breath. It's like you want to eat their face. And maybe, maybe, even though I would never had to, but maybe I would have fucked the knee had someone said, you can only fuck my knee. I would have been like, I'll fuck your knee. That's not a problem. I can fuck your knee.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Ah, yes, Brad, the venerable Love Connection contestant who touched our hearts and made us nauseous by bringing his date to the local Greyhound station because urine-stained metal benches, the smell of body odor and vending machine junk food for dinner has never, ever, ever turned out to be true. Bis zum nächsten Mal.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Or can I just hump the bed right next to you? Maybe we can whack off together the second you walk in the door. By the way, someone who knows that girl reached out to me after I told that story on air. Yes, they did. And so I'm really sorry I told that story on air. But she did ask me to whack off right in front of her the second I walked in the door. It's not, it's not not true.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
What did they say? I've got days and days of content. What do you want me to do? I gotta fill it up. I'm now contractually committed to a thousand episodes or whatever the fuck it is. Und das ist das Einzige, was ich kenne, ist mein eigenes Leben. Also habe ich keine Namen gesagt. Niemand wird es kennen, außer für die eine Person, die es gekannt hat. You know what I'm saying? Okay, just checking.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Alright, so without further ado, I was trolling on the internet. As you do. As I do do. And I found an old episode of Love Connection. And I mean an old episode of the Love Connection. This is from 1983. What the fuck, Chuck? What the fuck, Chuck?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I know, I do too. Sometimes I'm driving and I'm like, what the fuck, Chuck? And then of course my son goes... Good job. Just don't say that to anybody. Out loud. Keep that in your inside voice.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Das war's für heute. Wir sehen uns beim nächsten Mal.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
He did. Poor guy. Hey, this is 1983 and he is rockin'. Yeah, he's going with the Nikes. He's going with the Nikes. This guy is ahead of his time. Now, this is not the fashion model you would hope.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I wonder if it's dancewear sales like my daughter goes to dance class and she wears a tutu and I'm selling it to you. Or dancewear sales like high heels, fishnet stockings and garter belts. I wonder what kind of dancewear he's into.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, I hope so. That is the worst outfit I've ever seen on a human being. It's pretty bad. Are those literally corduroy pants?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Pinstriped corduroy pants, Nike run shoes, gray jacket, yellow polo shirt, and a haircut that I can only describe as a cereal box.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I'll get him. Fucking asshole. Fucking Brad. What kind of name is Brad?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
He does. Anybody with the initials BG is doomed to a life of misery and poverty.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, that's true. You don't have your Blackberry or your iPhone. Nothing.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Do me a favor, pick a pen or a pencil, any pen or pencil, write it down on a piece of paper. I got you. I'll put it in my Rolodex. That's for me.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Alright, enough talking. I'm gonna go down a bottle of NyQuil and hallucinate my way through an episode of Teletubbies with my kids.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You're not exactly... I was going to say the same thing. It's not like this guy's fit and trim. No, he's looking for a 10 and he's a 4.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
We'll be back next week with a special guest Kathleen Madigan on Tuesday. And I promise you some piping hot episodes of The Commercial Break.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You gotta have nice, smooth knees, if you know what I'm talking about, Chuck. I like to bang a couple of rails and I take a couple shots of Remy Martin.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I get crazy at the Friday night dance. Don't you worry, Chuck. These girls are in safe hands with me. I'm a wild guy. I was once, true story, I was supposed to play Bluto in Animal House, but I was 12, so I didn't get the part.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, but, you know. Continue. I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic... Did they want to take him home? Okay. Yeah, I went to a couple of those dances at the Catholic Church, and let me tell you something.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, of course. Take them home to bang or meet mom and dad. Break bread, you know, the whole thing. Anytime you want to.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You mean you play on the B-Team? What are you talking about?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Why did he throw in a virgin? I don't know. I don't know either. Not something you would do these days. Anybody who looks at his outfit can probably tell he's not an A-Type personality. When you're wearing green pinstripe pants and a grey shirt with a yellow polo.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, Brad from the temple. My grandma gave me your phone number. You know what I'm talking about.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I don't even know you. I'm ugly. I'm just telling you. I'm ugly. Okay, thanks for the call. No, no, no, wait. Keep on going for a little while and then you eventually want to screw me. So I'm really ugly. I'm terribly ugly.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Oh yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Why do I feel like Brad went on the love connection because it was the only way he could get closer to the TV cameras where he desperately wanted to be? I bet if we look up Brad Gunberg right now, he's been in 60 movies. As like an extra. Yeah. Google Brad Grunberger on IMDb.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and co-host, the beautiful Kristen Joy Holdley. Best to you, Chrissy.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Grunberger? Grunberger? I thought it was just Grunberg. It's Grunberger?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I want to share this with people who are listening. On the screen is a nice young lady who's giving her little soliloquy here. Und dann am Boden ist ein Bild, ein Bild, eine Box, die Brad und seine Reaktion auf die Mädchen zeigt. Er wird so animiert, dass ein TV-Produzent im Studio entscheidet, die Box auszutrennen, weil sie nicht mögen, wie Brad schlägt.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Sie sind so, dieser Kerl ist obnoxiös, schneid ihn aus.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Wow, Brad and this girl seem perfect fit for each other. Brad only wears tennis shoes with a suit.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Gail looks like she's part of the Duggar family.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Is that a wig on top of her head? Is she wearing a wig? Her hair is two totally different colors. Wow, that's crazy. Yeah, she definitely looks like a Duggar.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, they probably had like, I would imagine the girls get some saying this is my thought is like, hey, you're going to go out with Brad. They probably had 3000 girls on video. And these are the three that just didn't ever respond. So they're like, I'll put them in there. They didn't get the message.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Ein Bildungsstudent? Ein Bildungsstudent. Das ist interessant. Das ist wie ein Geschäftsperson.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Gail ist ein Wortprozessor, der eine Seite hat. Ein Wortprozessor? Ein Wortprozessor? Vor allem, bevor sie es mit Computern machten.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I think so. Give me a favor and process these words for me. I appreciate it. I think there's one of those in my head.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Two! Two! If you don't pick two, everyone's gonna die!
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Why is Brad so very animated? He really is. I wonder what he's doing. Yeah, that fruit basket didn't get used. I imagine he was just cutting rails before he came out.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yesterday he told us which of these three women he chose as his date. Today you'll hear what happened on that date.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, somebody in the production office got a hold of him and said, hey dude, you can't wear Nikes, pinstripe pants, yellow shirt and a gray blazer. It's just not a great combination. So today, let's put you in black shoes, black pants. Great? Socks?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, they kind of do. Yeah. Old Birkenstocks are those shoes you get when you work at a restaurant and you know you're going to need three pairs a year, so you spend $10 on them at Walmart. Been there, done that.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
23. I'm good with 23. 31 years old. Wow, that's a long time. That's like 150 years old in dog years. It's a Labrador. Oh, good old lab. 31 years old. Can you believe that?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You gotta understand the kind of guy I am. And since you're only 25% human right now, I'm gonna work up.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
No, listen, you're strictly a word processor until you get to 50-50. Processed by words. What a douche-kadoozle.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
What is the special on the side? Tickling your balls? Tickling your taint? Something like that. Knee stuff. This guy is way too animated. I'd love to see where he is today. He must have a TikTok channel. He can't help himself.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Listen, listen. It's simple math. Here's how you do it. Women have uteruses. Men have penises. Uteruses are inside.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Penises are outside. If you just do the measurements, it's pure. It's mathematical. You equal 75% less than I do. That's how it works.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Honestly, listening back to this, it's hard to believe that Brad is an actual human being. He's like a bad AI creature from the lagoon. But no, Brad is an actual human being who went on to act in multiple straight to video movies, but he did act in movies. It was his brother that ended up being quite the character actor in Hollywood. And so you gotta feel a little bit bad for Brad.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
No, never mind. Forget I ever said that. Alright, let's listen to Rachel tell you what you can do to help us out and then we'll finish up this episode. I'll be back at the end.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Hi Vicky. Hi Brad, how are you? Even women had mullets back then. Yeah, everybody had a mullet.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Well, no, it's not normal, but... Yeah, I just, you know, I like... I think I told this story one time. We were living downtown. I was living with my ex-wife. We lived in this house and across the way was a duplex. And the duplex was like set way off the street. I remember that. Do you remember that? Okay, there's a duplex. Yeah, because we spent a lot of nights on that porch.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You're welcome. Oh, she said you look cute. Oh, she likes him? Maybe. Welfare check on Vicky. Yep.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
But I still go on Friday nights. I still take my grandma's advice.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Go, Vicky, go. I was worried about you at first. Now I know you're gonna handle your own.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Shrinking and God knows what else ourselves to death. Dancing. Dancing. God bless the neighbors. I had Bots and Winnie. And so they were really well-behaved dogs. They were, they were sweet. They were very sweet. They didn't bark a lot. I mean, you heard a bark out of Bots once a day, maybe. And it was because someone was knocking on the front door. But anyway, we had a fenced-in backyard.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I've never been to the bus station on a date. I'm running away from the law. I stay out of the bus stations.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
What? He took her to ice cream sandwiches from the vending machine? Wow. I didn't even know they sold ice cream sandwiches in vending machines. Sounds like he knew exactly where to find the ice cream sandwiches.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, yeah, ice cream sandwiches. But can't you find ice cream sandwiches somewhere else?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
No, no, but it's the best place to get ice cream sandwiches and heroin. So, let me know.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You took her to the temple? Brad! At first I was curious.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah. I was wondering why you were a virgin, but now it's clear. You've never been outside your house with a female. In the temple?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
There's this party. We're going to hit up this party.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I just want to make sure I'm not offending the groom. Even though he's the one who asked me to tell you to leave. Wow. This is the cheapest... Man. Yeah. Either he's cheap or so sheltered that the only place he goes is to grandmas and the temple.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Now he's lying? He's making it up? Who's with... Why would she lie? Is she just embarrassed about crashing a wedding?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Or did they go to the temple, no one was there, and now Brad's making up a story that there was gonna be a wedding, but I got kicked out before it happened.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Whoa, Fred! Wow, I think we found the world's biggest asshole and I really hope he has a TikTok channel. Now, to give him a little bit, a little bit of credit, she could be lying. But you're also the guy who just said in the same sentence, I'm a virgin and women only count for 25% until they do, then they give me a handjob.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Wow, this is really strange. I had no idea when I downloaded this video that this would get so strange. I'm literally fascinated by what happened. And I'd like to do a full investigative report here on the commercial break about this date. In the notebook? Hold on one second. I'm going to write a note to Tina right now because we are going to find... What happened with Brian?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Tina, need to do investigation on Love Connection Video. Love Connection Date. Oh mein Gott. I almost never pick up my phone and write things during the middle of this show, unless it's a note, because I am really fascinated. And I would love to see if I could get a hold of this woman and see if she would tell the actual story about what happened with her and Brad.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Wouldn't that be the best thing that ever happened to the commercial break? Which is not a high bar to set, but I'm just sharing.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
In 2023, this would have been the best thing to ever happen to this episode of The Love Connection, but in 1983, 30 years, 40 years ago, this was not the way that television conducted itself. It was very, like, they weren't going to get into a bunch of controversy. They just wanted to move on in 15 minutes. Chuck ist over this guy. He's like, get this guy off my stage.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
We had the Mormons living next to us. And they got married. We saw them setting up on a Friday and for a Saturday wedding. And so they were never particularly like talkative with us. And I can understand why. It's because we were like a den of iniquities over there. Just cocaine, drugs. Beer and getting debauchery going on 24 hours a day.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, they should have picked the last one. That would have been fascinating. The girl who punched somebody. Yeah, she was close.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Good luck to you and all your lying. That was weird. Wow, that was the strangest. I have to say hands down, that was the strangest love connection. I've never seen anything like that. Maybe dating show that we've ever seen, where two people who went on the same date Oh mein Gott. Let's hope... Our boy Brad has lived as long as these parrots do. And we can still find him. He's still out there.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Because I desperately want to know what happened to this guy. We will follow up on Brad Brandenberger. Or Brandenberg. Whatever his fucking name is. I'll follow up on it. Brad and Vicky. I'm going to investigate. There's got to be some more information about these two human beings. And if I can, I will get Vicky on the show. Ja. You want your own show? Brad, go find it. Alright.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
But we were over, I was in the backyard and I was over near the fence with the dogs. And I hear this on the fence. Hello? Hey, what's going on, man? What are you setting up for over there? We're actually getting married. Oh, wow, congratulations. You're getting married in your backyard?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Hey, tcbpodcast.com, that's where you can get your free 21 EPM sticker. Ejaculations per month. It sounds like Brad needs to have a little release there. So you'll either get a 21 EPM sticker or our next sticker. It depends if we still have any more of these left. So go quick, hit the contact us button, give us your physical address at tcbpodcast.com and we'll send you a sticker as soon as we can.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Also the entire... Untertitelung des ZDF für funk, 2017 Alright, there you have it. One of my personal favorite episodes. It was one of my favorites to actually do. Sitting here in the room, I found this all to be very funny. And having been a big fan of Breaking Down Love Connection videos for the entirety of our time here on the commercial break, I think this ranks number two.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
With what the fuck, Chuck being number one, of course. Well, I really appreciate you giving me a break so I can take a break even though I didn't take a break because I had to come here and do this episode of the commercial break. You get the picture. The wheel never stops turning. I am simply a hamster spinning my legs as fast as they will go. Nor rain, nor sleet, nor snow. And all that jazz.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
All right. At the expense of repeating ourselves a million different ways, do us a favor. Please do follow us on Instagram at The Commercial Break. I would love to hear from you via text message or voicemail at 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Hit us up with your questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We would love to hear all of that.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And if you want to be on the next episode of The Commercial Break, or maybe not the next episode of The Commercial Break, but a episode of The Commercial Break, leave us a voicemail or send us a text message and tell us what you want to talk about. You can also drop us an email at tcbpodcast.com. Hit the contact us button.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Drop us a line on why you'd like to jump on the show or get your free swag by hitting the drop down menu that says I want my free sticker. Give us your address and we will send you one. Plus the one and only place to see all of our episodes on video the same day they air here on the audio feed is youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Subscribe, like, comment on your favorite video.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You've been to YouTube, you know what to do. And let me move backwards one second. You can also get the audio and the video on the website if you're that kind of person, if you're like URL-ing it. But URL-ing it is so 2010. Just open the app on your phone and dial us up. You know how to do it. Oh, and one more thing. Sharing is caring.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, yeah, we're just gonna have some friends and some family over and we're getting married and it's happening tomorrow. In the afternoon. And I was like, sure, no problem, dude. Guess what I did? I let the dogs in the backyard for the entire time. No, I'm kidding, I didn't. Anyway, had this big, long driveway going to this duplex right across the street from us. And they had a fucking parrot.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
The best way that you can help out the commercial break, your good friends Brian and Chrissy, is to share the show. Tell a neighbor, phone a friend. You hate your in-laws? Send them the commercial break. Tell them that's what your husband has been listening to. It's fun for the whole family, I guarantee. Alright, well, there's no Chrissy here today, but I'll tell you I love you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I'll say best to you, and then collectively we'll say best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, I will say, I do say, and I must say, I'm going the fuck to bed. Bye.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Not a cockatoo. Not one of those little small birds that dies in three months. A parrot. An actual parrot. I forget what you call them. They're like cockatoos? Is that what it is? Is it a cockatoo?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I know, but there's like, one of them is a pet and one of them is not. Is a cockatoo the one on the Froot Loops box?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Toucan Sam, that's right. Okay, whatever kind of bird these people had, I don't know, I'm not a bird expert.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
So they had this parrot, and that parrot, you could be in the back of my house, in the very back of my house, in a shower, with the water running, and the music playing, and still hear that fucking parrot from across the street. And they kept it outside, I can only imagine, because it was even too noisy for them to have inside of the house. They kept it outside.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Most of the time they kept it outside. What about with weather? Go fuck yourself!
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
So, this went on for two years. Two years. Until one day I get a knock at the door. And I go and I look and it's this kind of scraggly guy. He's got his shirt off. He's very skinny. He's got the jeans on with the belt cinched way tight. Obviously... Obviously he's doing drugs. That's all I can say. Obviously he's doing drugs.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I can only imagine making Mountain Dew crystal meth in the backyard or whatever. I don't know, but he looks whacked out and he looks totally fucked up. And I have never ever in my entire, I was there for like eight years. I had never seen the neighbors. I had only heard the parent. So I opened the door. Hallo?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And I'm like, oh, hey, Dale, nice to meet you. I didn't extend my hand to shake it because I was afraid of where his hand had been. And I was like, hey, man, it's nice to meet you.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, man, listen, I gotta move out of the house in like three days. And I was wondering if you could take my pet bird just maybe for a month and I'll come back and get it.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And I'm like, no, I got dogs and... People I care about and eardrums that I'd like to keep.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, I was like, I go, hey, Dale. I have eardrums. I have eardrums. I'm not gonna take your fucking parrot. So I go, hey man, I appreciate that you need a place for the bird to stay, but I don't think my house is the right place. I got two dogs.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, check with the Mormons. They're really, they love loud noises. Ich habe gesagt, hör mal, ich kann es verstehen, aber du musst auch meine Situation verstehen. Ich habe zwei Kühe. Ich habe gerade einen Divorz. Ich bin meistens trank. Es ist höchstwahrscheinlich, dass das Pferd in irgendeinem Art von Narkotik kommt, das es töten wird. Du willst mich nicht kümmern. Ich kann mich kaum kümmern.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Du willst nicht, dass der Pferd in der ganzen Situation involviert ist. And so he stood out there for a few minutes trying to convince me of the parrot.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
You see, it's like when I bought a parrot, I didn't know it was going to live 150 years and now I've got to find somebody to take it long term. They live a long time.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, and now there's a bunch of people, like pet lovers, animal lovers, who are running out trying to find people who have these parrots and getting them to sign agreements that gives a chain of custody for when and if they die. Because apparently a big problem is... Sie nehmen ihn zum Arzt oder jemand stirbt, sie nehmen ihn zum lokalen Veterinär oder was auch immer.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Sie versuchen, ihn dem Hund zu geben. Warum würde der Hund einen Pferd nehmen? Ich weiß es nicht. Aber dann werden die Vögel euthaniert, weil sie nichts anderes tun können mit ihnen. Und sie sind wirklich hart zu Hause, weil du musst wissen, was du machst, wenn du einen Pferd hast.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Nein, unless you're down from across the street. I swear to God, this guy was a work. He had the tubes and everything. He had the whole tubes and all of it. Hey man, I appreciate it. Listen, if you know of anybody, just come over and let me know. I'll give you my phone number if you want. No, no, no, I know where to find you for the next couple of days. I'll call your people.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
My people will call your people if we find a place to rehome your fucking parent. Keep it for a month. Keep it for a month. That's what he asked me. Keep it for a month. Keep it outside. Doesn't really matter. It's used to being outside. It's probably why it's squawking all the time. It's because it's fucking cold, hot, rainy, wet, hungry, needs water.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
So I know that these parrots... So then I was dating this girl one time. Her dad lived down in Florida. We went out there one time. I think I told this story. Ended up sleeping on like an air mattress in the office of this house because... I was just trying to be respectful of the fact that most parents don't want you sleeping with their daughter.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Don't want you going to pound town on their daughter in their house when you're not married. I was just being a good gentleman. Sport. Good sport, yeah. I'll fuck her when you're sleeping and I'll come slink back to the bed later. Which I did. So he had... like three parrots. And he loved these birds. But the birds would attack anybody who tried to get near them, except for him.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
So everybody else in the house was just scared shitless of these birds that were literally in the house. They weren't in a cage or anything?
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
All three of them were in a cage. A series of cages. The whole wall was dedicated to these birds. So they warned me, first thing I'm going to come in, don't stick your fingers anywhere near that. The birds, they don't like people, blah, blah, blah.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Because they will take off your finger. So, over the course of a day or two, I started staring at this one parrot. Like, we started communicating, mind melding, right? And eventually, the guy, I said, hey, you know, do you ever take these things out?
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And he's like, yeah, I do, but usually not when people are, strange people are around, because I'm telling you, these birds, they just don't like other people, and I don't want unpredictable behavior that I can't control. And he goes, but if you want me to, I'll take it out, I kind of put it on my shoulder, and you can, whatever. So, he puts it on his shoulder.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, what's that? This was in Tampa, Florida.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I'll put on my eye patch. Arrgh! I'll put on my best matey so he knows I'm a friend. A friend in need is a friend indeed, parity. Come hop over onto my shoulder and poke out my eyeball. Arrgh!
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
So he takes out the bird, he puts it on his forehand.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And the bird hops toward me, like hops toward me. He tries to get off his little thing and hops toward me, but the wings are clipped, right? So he can't fly. So he's just kind of like, like this. And I was like, oh shit, he's gonna attack me. And he's like, wow, I've never seen him do that before, you know? And the bird is like, so, put the bird back in the cage.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I felt like that was maybe a sign that he didn't like me and I needed to stay away. Go to sleep on the mattress in the office the next day. It's got two of these French doors that you can just kind of push open. You know, little poppy French doors. So I'm sleeping and all of a sudden I hear like this word and I can hear on the floor. And I'm like, I'm kind of waking up out of sleep.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
So unfortunately for all those who are paying attention, the commercial break does not have a new episode to fluff your feathers and tickle your tallywhacker today. But fear not, my little minions, we're gonna do what every other prestigious podcast would do in a situation just like this.
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TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
I'm like, what is that? I turn my head and the fucking parrot is right there. And I'm like, the parrot, the murder parrot, the murder parrot is right next to me.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
But that bird didn't do a thing. It bounced close to me and it started nudging me with its nose. It was like this. It liked me.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
And so I was like, wow, murder parrot likes me. And I swear to God, that was my first visit there and we became the best of friends. Like anytime I would go, the murder parrot would sit on my shoulder and it would nudge my face and be like this. Yeah, it loved me. So who knows, maybe I should have taken the parrot. Maybe it was better than Dale. Oh mein Gott. Oh mein Gott.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Sometimes I have to think about where we were before. You know what I'm saying? This is like, I thought about a new tagline for the show that I actually might put up there. Feel free to go down the rabbit hole, we'll throw you a ladder.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Yeah, we'll help you back out. That's right. Alright, this seems like as good a place as any to take a break. Why don't you listen to Rachel give you some information about how to get in touch with us and I'll do some extremely gross netty potting and maybe I'll sound like half a human in this next break.
The Commercial Break
TCB Classic: Brad Van BusStation
Rehash the intro and outro, throw one of the mediocre past episodes in the middle and give it a catchy name like TCB Classic. And what's on the menu for today's TCB Classic, you may ask? We're gonna re-listen to our good friend Brad Van Bus Station.
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You don't drink the tap water. Why? Because it comes from the Chattahoochee River, which for years... Let me just give you an example. For years, the city of Atlanta would rather pay an enormous fine to the United States government... then clean up the raw sewage that it was just pouring into the Chattahoochee River.
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Only, only when the federal government decided to withhold funds for the 96 Olympics did the city of Atlanta get in motion and start fixing their sewer problem. Only. And still to this day, to this day, you can drive in some parts of downtown Atlanta and they are still fixing the sewer system in the city of Atlanta.
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Still to this day, you hear about raw sewage releases because of too much rain or rainwater or whatever. So don't shoot the hooch. Come by the TCB Studios for $50. We'll give you a tour and a sticker for free. Let's take a break. I'll be back with more advice on what to do in Atlanta.
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A bunch of beer and rowdy teenagers and just have a good party of it. This was a huge ordeal in Atlanta for a long time. Now, it was coming to kind of a ceremonial close as I moved to Atlanta, so I didn't get the full... It started in 1979. Apparently, some Georgia Tech students decided to get their fraternity and sorority sisters and brothers together and do this, and then it became a big thing.
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Yeah, we're all sharing horror stories from the hooch or related waters. It's just not clean. I mean, it is a major city. It used to be an industrial city. And so I get it. You know, there's years and years of just shit in that place. But, you know, Tina was just sharing that one of her friends had to get two layers of stitches because the nurse was like, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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Yeah, it's crazy, and it's dangerous. Anyway, it's local politics. All politics is local, if you don't mind. But let's talk about non-local politics. Let's talk about Oscars. The Oscar season is coming up, and there is already a ton of drama. Let's talk about a non-Oscar-related film first, and that is that damn Whatever This Is Us story with Blake Lively and that Baldoni guy.
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No, it's... Oh, it stops with us? Oh, I thought it starts with us. Apparently it starts with us because those two yahoos are just throwing shit back and forth. They are destroying their careers. Someone needs to get a hold of both of those human beings and put them in a room together and say, you both did something wrong. Shut the fuck up before you never work in Hollywood again.
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I mean, Blake Lively is getting dragged through the mud, but Justin Baldoni... It ends with us. Oh, it ends with us.
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It begins with us. It ends with us. Who cares?
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There's Bass Ass In The Chattahoochee Coochee!
Listen, I made the mistake of following that Perez Hilton on Instagram. I'm soon going to unfollow him. But he has been talking about this nonstop for weeks. Every time something else drops, he comes in.
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They're throwing lawsuits back and forth with each other. And Justin Baldoni has now put a website together called aboutthelawsuit.com or something. You can go Google it. I don't know that that's – but it's something about the lawsuit.
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He's put a website together where he is literally sending out every text message, every communication, every email that happened between him and Blake Lively, even the ones that don't make him look particularly good. He's still sending them out there saying, I'm going to show you
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everything that happened during this movie piece by piece so you understand that it's not the way that blake lively's people are spinning it and this goes super deep and let me let me share just for a minute if you don't mind drama drop drama drop let's get into the blake lively situation not that i know enough about it to be dangerous but i'm going to make up the parts i don't know uh just so you're forewarned story time with brian story time with brian bring
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Blake Lively got the rights to make this movie after she read the book. She went and petitioned the author for the rights to the movie. Many, many people read the book. Apparently, it was a hot bestseller. It's about domestic violence and the relationship getting in or out of the domestic violence.
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I don't know the story because I haven't seen the movie, nor have I read the book, just to be clear about that. But that has never stopped me from pretending like I know something. No. Weigh in. I'm weighing in. Regardless of being completely misinformed, I'm weighing in. I'm yet another idiot on the Internet just saying shit to say shit. Hey, listen, I got a lot of time to fill on this show.
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Do you want to hear it or not? Okay. All right. Do you tune in for the facts or do you tune in for my misinformation in the voice of Bright? Of course you do. All right. Here we go. Blake Lively makes this movie. She hires Justin Baldoni to do the directing. Or maybe the production company does. I don't know how he gets involved. But Justin Baldoni, who cares? That's not important. Great start.
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Thanks. Justin Baldoni. And Justin Baldoni is also going to star in the movie. So he's starring and he's directing. At some point during this film, there starts to be a little friction between the two stars who have a lot of lovemaking scenes, a lot of intimacy scenes, and some friction starts.
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The radio stations locally would sponsor it, and they would hype it up, and so it became tens of thousands of people riding down the Chattahoochee River on their rafts. Now... I often say to people, people come in town and they say, hey, Brian, because I am a noted tour guide. They say, hey, Brian, what is there to do in Atlanta? What about that Chattahoochee Hoochee?
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And Blake apparently does not like the direction that Justin is taking the movie, nor does she like the way that the editor is cutting the movie under Justin's direction. So Blake calls a meeting with who? The most important people in the world. Travis Kelsey, Taylor Swift, and Blake Lively, and the other guy that she's married to. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds.
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So they all get in a room and they kind of beat up Justin. And they say, listen, these particular scenes shouldn't go like this. That needs to go like that. We need to have this cut of the movie. We need to have that cut of the movie, which rubs Justin the wrong way.
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But he quickly realizes that going up against Ryan Reynolds, Taylor Swift, and Blake Lively in an argument about editorial direction is probably not the best idea. So he quickly apologizes, sending like a, Eight minute voice note. Now I listened to that eight minute voice note. He talks about a lot of stuff during that voice note, but basically what he's doing is he's groveling.
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He's saying, yeah, you're right. I, if I wish I had friends like yours, they're so good to you. They got your back. I see the error of my ways. Lottie, Dottie, Dottie do. Okay. So Justin capitulates to Taylor and Ryan and Blake suggestions. But that doesn't satisfy Blake because Blake believes that Justin is treating her poorly on the set and off the set. So Justin... So Blake...
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is now saying that Justin was sexually harassing her, not staying within the intimacy coach lane, doing gross things, you know, walked in on her breastfeeding and then talked about her boobs or whatever. If any of that is true, it's creepy at best, harassment at worst. But it's hard to tell because it's all he said, she said.
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If you piece all the stuff that Justin is putting out there, some of it might make sense that he was bordering on a little bit inappropriate. Is it harassment? I don't know. I guess that's up to the judge to decide at the end of the day.
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But now, Justin, Blake comes out and puts a big to-do about this, and she didn't like the last cut of the movie, and he sexually harassed her, and all this stuff went wrong, and so she sues him. That's what you do in America. You sue! And so Justin says, wait, wait, wait. That's not how it went down. Let me show you how it went down. Countersuit.
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And so now they're both suing each other for hundreds of millions of dollars in court. They're both throwing dirt all over the place. Blake with her big high-priced PR people. Justin just trying to fight the good fight. I'm sure he has nowhere close to the same PR people, but they're trying to fight each other's fight. But at the end of the day, they are both destroying each other's careers.
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Justin has now been fired from his next director job.
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Dropped by his rep. Blake is getting dragged through the mud. Everything she ever said is getting scrutinized and questioned. Perez Hilton calls her a B-list celebrity at best. I don't know if that's necessarily true, but both of them are just absolutely getting destroyed and they will not have careers after this because no one's going to want to work with them.
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People are going to be afraid that Blake, all she's going to want to do is take over the movie and going to pressure, have a pressure campaign if she doesn't like something. Justin's known as a creep who sexually harasses and reveals all the secrets of the world afterwards. They're both killing each other.
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If I'm either of these people's management, I am saying you have got to sit down with this person and figure out a way to shut the fuck up before you never work in this town again. Now, Blake has made some money and Ryan Reynolds ain't hurting. So maybe they feel like they're going to fight to make sure that her name is cleared. And Justin is trying to make a living in Hollywood.
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That Chattahoochee Coochee that everyone's talking about. And I say, if you want Strepacoccus A, feel free to dip your toes in the Chattahoochee Coochee because that's exactly what it is. It's a Hoochee Coochee. And it is known to have bacteria in it that you probably don't want the human body coming in contact with.
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So maybe he feels like I got to reveal it all so that everybody thinks... But I'm just like blown away at how these two egos are absolutely going at each other with no regard for the consequences when we're all watching going, what a bunch of morons. What are you doing? Don't you think?
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If there is one person in this world that is less informed than I am, it is Chrissy.
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Showing up at the press tours or whatever?
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She was making it all about her and talking about the genes.
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Astrid watched it a couple times.
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She said it was good. She liked it. And I think I walked in on her crying at one point watching that movie.
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Yeah, I'm not interested in all that. Domestic violence, I just abhor it. I think it's gross and nasty. But I've got to be in the right mood to see a story like that. I have to not be full of rage, which is hard for me right now at my age and my profession. Yeah. In my circumstances, you know, no money, many children, 50 shows a day. You know, I'm just a little bit upset about everything.
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I'm irritated. I'm in a constant state of irritation. But I still think, even in my constant state of irritation, I just think that I would see through... The noise, I would try to make amends in some way, shape, or form.
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Now people are way past the point.
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Everything Blake Lively ever said is now being rehashed, and everybody hates her. Not everybody, but people dislike her, right? They think that she's kind of a snotty human being. When she was doing press for that movie, a couple of questions were asked about domestic violence, and she was like, that's not what the movie is all about. Kind of like, look at my jeans.
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Don't look at my domestic violence, look at my jeans. Kind of thing. Maybe she was just not... jazzed with the questions or the interviewer. I don't know. Who knows what's in Blake Lively's head? But they both have the world at their disposal. They both have the world at their fingertips.
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It was one of the best... It was one of the most popular movies of 2024, regardless of whose cut got out there. It doesn't matter. You're part of a project that did really well, right? Now, if you were actually sexually harassed, I can understand fighting to make sure that doesn't happen again and that people see... who Justin Baldoni is so that they don't get in a similar situation with him.
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Like a lot of other places with flowing water and bodies of water around it, the water's not always so clean. Now, we've done a good job of cleaning it up.
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But now there's so much noise, it's hard to know what's true or not. There seems to be no truth. Everybody's just giving their version of the story. Welcome to the age of 2025 when truth doesn't matter. It's just about who talks the loudest. Done with it. Done with it.
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Let's move on to the Oscar contenders. Yes. Amelia Perez. Speaking of Perez, Amelia Perez. Is it Amelia Perez? Is that it? I think so, yes. Amelia Perez.
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Very controversial. And I didn't know until I started digging in on the drama drops around Amelia Perez. This is a story, like many other Hollywood stories, it's your typical... Drug lord gets a sex change to avoid any kind of responsibility for all his heinous actions and then misses his family and so he becomes a woman to get back with him. Kind of love story. We all know it. We've all seen it.
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It's another retelling of that story. But in inexplicable fashion, form and fashion, it is a musical. Now, I took the time to go watch some of the clips of this out there. And I have a hard time understanding how this is a best picture contender. I don't knock the performances. I don't knock the sensitivity or insensitivity with which they handled the trans issues in that.
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The Chattahoochee River Keepers are a favorite charity of mine that do God's work by going out there and picking up old condoms and dead cows out of the Chattahoochee River. But still, you're taking your life into your own hands if you're riding down that Chattahoochee River in a raft. I swear to God.
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That's for someone who has a dog in that fight to really bet out, right? But they at least used a trans actress, right? to portray the drug lord who got a sex change operation so that he could go back out into the public. It's actually an interesting story.
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But why it's a musical, and why they have an actual, an entire five minutes dedicated to a song about Vagiable, I have no idea. Like, it's just a little weird. It's a little bit of a strange story. And many critics out there are curious as to how this became an Oscar contender because they named it in one of the weirdest, oddest, worst movies of the year. This is...
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The Oscars, like every other award out there, are bought and paid for. It's just a fact. If you have any other illusion, let me put that illusion to rest. It is bought and paid for. They lobby the voters to make sure that they get votes. And they do that in a lot of different ways.
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If you open up any trade rag, like the Hollywood Reporter, if you go to L.A., they have billboards sometimes for your consideration.
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I just love that movie. I think it's wonderful. But this is how the Grammys happen. This is how the Oscars happen. This is how the Golden Globes happen. The foreign press, all of them. They all happen in the same manner. You have to have a PR machine that's making sure you get in front of the voters. so that you can get nominated.
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And then once you get nominated, if you get nominated, then you really have to, then the heat has to come on. You have to really try and win the affection of the people who are voting for this, the Actors Guild, Screen Actors Guild, or whatever it is. So, Amelia Perez is kind of an outlier in the sense that many critics did not think this movie was that great. But for some reason, it got voted in.
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Okay, let's assume that there's a lot of people out there in the voting community that did like this movie. Don't know, haven't seen it. Again, I have no information. I'm just speculating. But what's crazy is now the woman who played Amelia Perez in this movie cannot go and be a part of the Oscar scene. She cannot lobby. She cannot be a part of the Oscar scene because she has lost it a little bit.
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No fucking way. Astrid said, this is a conversation we have once a year. She says, what if we get it... Every summer. Every spring.
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And people have dug up old tweets that they say were racist. Right, I saw that. you know, homophobic and all this other stuff. I read the tweets. I think some people are being a little bit sensitive. I don't think she was being super offensive. But I get it. Everything is a reason to get upset if you're looking for a reason to get upset, right? And that's the way that it is.
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But now she has to disconnect herself from the PR machine and the fun and all that other stuff because of these things that were said in the hopes that... that they can soften the landing a little bit on this bad press and be in contention for Amelia Perez. Can we all just say that Wicked was the best movie of the year and get on with life?
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I think it is. I think it is. Wicked Oscars. Astrid wouldn't know this. Yes. Best Picture. Wicked.
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Best Actress. Best Supporting Actress. Best Original Score. Best Production Design. Best Makeup and Hairstyling. Best Visual Effects. Best Filmetting. Best Costume Design. Best Sound Design. Wow. It won. I mean, not won. It got nominated for a ton of stuff. For everything. Oscar. Let's see the other ones. Nominees.
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Nora? Yeah. anora anora look at the best picture okay amelia perez a complete unknown conclave conclave was good i want to see conclave really bad nickel boys i do want to see that also i'm still here the substance dune part two also a fucking fantastic movie wicked anora and the brutalist wow that's a lot yeah you say five and now they have ten yes Okay, interesting.
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When we see those, because we live near the river. So we drive over the river a lot on the bridges over the river. And she'll say to me, hey, look, those people out there. And I say, yeah, those fucking lunatics out there. You know... with an early death wish out there in the Chattahoochee River. There are so many things that could go wrong in flowing water.
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I do think I do remember that happening at one point. They upped it. Yeah, they upped it. So, Onora is the one about the sex worker who marries the Russian oligarch's son?
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You liked it? I enjoyed it, yeah. Now, I don't want you to tell me the plot because I want to watch this movie, but I want you to agree or disagree with this statement. Okay. I saw someone on Instagram that said, this was the best movie of the year. It had me laughing for the first hour and 30 minutes and crying for the last 15.
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That's all I need to know. Thank you. Thank you.
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You weren't crying? No, I wasn't crying. She has no feelings, folks. Can't you tell? She's like Frankie Valli.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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And she, once a year, thinks it's a good idea to take our small children and all of them onto an inner tube and ride down that Chattahoochee. To which I say, nah, we're not doing that. Because not only do we have to contend with flowing water, rocks and all kinds of other stuff. I've seen adults get in trouble out there. I've done this probably 10 times, 11 times in my life.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
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And I've seen full grown ass men. get caught somewhere on the river in some kind of trouble because these aren't motorized crafts. They're just inner tubes that were blown up by some teenager getting paid $12 an hour. And then they throw you in the river and they say, good luck. And you're like, oh, where do I stop? I don't know either. But when you do, there'll be a bus there waiting for you.
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And I'm not naive enough to believe that there's not poop in most of our waterways. That's probably how it works. That's how it's worked for eons and decades, you know, since humans have been around, since animals have been around. Animals, yeah. Animals poop in that water all the time, too. All the bass poop. Listen, I can get over that. The bass poop. That's what I worry about is the bass poop.
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Yeah, good luck with that. There's no sign. No one knows what's going on. They don't tell you where the rocks are. They don't have anybody there directing traffic. It's a big clusterfuck. And besides all of that, you can't be assured of what's in or out of the river. Now, I'm a noted germaphobe. Not like Howie Mandel germaphobe, but I'm a noted germaphobe.
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is apparently the Margaritaville Cruise Line. There is a cruise line, or a cruise ship, I should say, called the Margaritaville Cruise Ship.
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They do. He's dead, and what can we do now? I mean, it's just a corporation that's going to sell his name to anything. I think the Margaritaville, like the resorts and the housing, like the retirement places, I think that Margaritaville, the company, is somewhat involved in the management of those.
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I went to the Margaritaville Resort.
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And we were just talking about this the other day. Listen, is this even in my top 30 places I have ever stayed, resorts that I have ever stayed? No.
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Yeah, we went Thursday. We came back on Sunday. We went... you know, right as school had started for most kids, but not our kids yet. So it was very quiet. We went to Panama City. I told the story. The place was brand new. It had just opened a couple of months earlier, so it was not very busy. And I will tell you something. That Margaritaville didn't impress me much.
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I just can't take the thought that I would put my mouth, my head, my hands in a river where people have been known to get brain-eating amoebas inside of their nostrils and die from it. It's not for me. So while this looks like shits and giggles, you know, 10,000 people on a raft in the middle of the Chattahoochee, it's not like that anymore, Chrissy. It's not like the good old days.
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It was kind of like, you know, a neighborhood, essentially, with a really cool pool. You still had to walk
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football field to get to the actual beach and the beach was beautiful but it was not on the beach unless you rented one of their huge houses for like you know ten thousand dollars a week or whatever but those kids my kids still talk about that place on a weekly basis and they want to go back every time right oh by the way i have news about the great wolf lodge
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One of their team members, let's put it that way. I don't want to give away any identifying information. One of their team members is coming on the show to tell us all the gory details about Great Wolf Lodge.
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We've got to disguise the name and, you know, do some things to make sure that they don't lose their job. But they have agreed to come on air and tell us some stories, not about the one here in Atlanta, but on another location around the country. And I actually can't wait because they texted some stories to me and I was like, oh, you got to come on and tell some of these stories.
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So they'll be on next week. We're doing an expose on Great Wolf Lodge and I'm never going to be invited back. It's yet another place I cannot go. But anyway, that Margaritaville cruise, that's exactly what happened. They slapped the name. They bought the rights, essentially, to put the Margaritaville on there. But it's been called the worst cruise ship in America by many travel critics.
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It really does. I mean. It's a tiny boat, and it is really disgusting. Like, it's old. It's not renovated well. The rooms are, like, Motel 6 has better rooms than these rooms. And most of them do not have balconies. They're all, like, you know, porthole windows, which I can't go on a cruise ship unless you give me a balcony.
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If I don't have a way to get some fresh air or jump off the boat in case of emergency, I don't have any interest in it. But this Margaritaville is taking it to a new low. Yeah. The food is sickening. The activities are zero. And the boat is in bad, bad shape. Who regulates that stuff? The National Cruise Ship Place of America. Elon Musk. Doge. Cutting costs. Doge. Doge does. Good old Doge.
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Does anyone else find it funny that Doge is the name of the organization that Elon... Wasn't he like... Ra-ra-sis-boom-ba about the Dogecoin at one point? Okay, just checking to make sure I got my math right there. Yeah, Elon Musk is apparently in charge of the cruise ships. But it got me thinking, and it got me thinking seriously about maybe, maybe taking some equipment.
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By the way, the cruise ship, the room rates, I looked for like a three-day Caribbean cruise, he's like $180 a person. We can bring some of our own supplies, right?
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This is my pitch to you. And I'm doing it on air so that you feel pressured to do this. We'll find a way to get a balcony room. We'll find a way to get on there. But I think we must do the commercial break from a place that is worthy of the commercial break. The Margaritaville cruise ship.
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Now we got microplastics in our brains.
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If you work for the Margaritaville cruise line, if you know of anybody that works for the Margaritaville cruise line, or you just want to sponsor us going on the Margaritaville cruise line, I know if I can get it for free, Chrissy might entertain the idea. Listen, it will be fun. We'll have a great time, Chrissy. I promise.
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No one reached out about the Ritz Cruiser.
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So all of that is to say the first annual commercial break, TCB shooting the hooch for charity will be down there.
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I figured, well, let's lower the bar all the way to the bottom and then maybe we can jump above it. You know what I'm saying? I don't know. I just saw this guy doing this review video. This was last night or the night before last.
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I saw this guy doing a review video, and I thought, wouldn't it be funny to do a podcast from the cruise ship, report on what we see and what we do, and then get some feedback from the other people that are on the cruise ship? By the way, the cruise ship, mostly empty. There wasn't a whole lot of people there. We could have the cruise ship to ourselves.
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Yeah, okay, look into it. But just know two things before you get into this. We can bring disinfectant and all... And our own food? And our own food. That's right. We can sneak our own food onto the cruise ship. It can't be that bad. We'll be together. We'll be together. We can bring Jeff and Astrid. Doesn't Jeff have some extra time to go on a margarita cruise ship?
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I remember one year we're driving along and my dad's radio station, whichever one, you know, one of the, we were either listening to angry talk radio, uh, B 98.5, which was like the soft rock channel, you know, uh, you know, she's like the wind, you know, all those frilly love songs, the Eagles, the Eagles. Yeah.
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Fuck, fuck no. Fuck. Well, generally, I don't think Margaritaville cruise ships. Well, I mean, I did bring them to the resort, but I guess they had a water slide. So what else do you want? All right. Do you want to see Chrissy and I go to the Margaritaville cruise ship? Sponsor it. Tell us you know somebody over there.
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Get us some free tickets or just stay tuned and we'll figure out a way to do it ourselves. Well, I guess that's all I got for today.
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Yeah, listen, I think this would be fun. I think this would be fun. I think we would have a good time. I think you and I would have a good time anywhere we go.
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But if we went... You know what my real vision was? Go on the Margaritaville cruise ship. And because it's so dirt cheap, invite some of our listeners to come like an unofficial commercial break cruise. We don't tell the cruise line. We don't put any kind of organization. You come at your own risk, essentially. You pay for it. Don't bother us. But we'll be there.
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And then we can all have some fun together. And we'll report back on what we'll do. We'll do a show each day and we'll report back. It's three days long. What could happen? Why? Why don't we were friends? What could happen?
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We could get definitely ill. Yeah. I just want to know who the captain is. I just want to make sure the captain has all his eyes and legs. That's all I care about.
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If we're just going to the Caribbean, I feel like we could swim if something happened. If something bad happened, we could be in the water for a couple of days. It's warm water.
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Okay, look into it. Let me know. I feel like this is the kind of thing that the commercial break should do every once in a while. It's better than going to the gathering of the juggalos. That was my next idea. But I don't know that my body can take too many more drugs. So I think I got to put that idea away for a little while. I just had surgery to remove a tumor.
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I don't think I should fill it full of cocaine and Faygo.
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All right. If you love the show, sharing is caring. Do us a favor and share with one of your friends. Leave us a positive review. Leave us a negative review.
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We'd love it. We'd love you forever. Text us 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. We take them all right there. TCBpodcast.com. All the audio, all the video right there from one location and your free sticker. Also at the commercial break on Instagram and youtube.com slash the commercial break for all the episodes.
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on video alright Chrissy that's all I can do for today I think so I'll tell you that I love you and I love you best to you best to you and best to you out there in the podcast universe until next time Chrissy and I will say we do say and we must say goodbye I take a dick and keep on licking.
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Or we were listening to Z93, which is classic rock. Led Zeppelin, Purple Haze, stuff like that. One of those three stations. All of them were promoting that damn shoot in the hooch shit. I was a young man. One of the radio stations had the brilliant idea that for a dollar, you could get a rubber ducky, and they would put your name on the rubber ducky.
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They would throw it down the hooch with the rest of the rafts, and then whichever one came in first had a chance to win $10,000. So it was like a contest that they were doing.
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Yes, the race of the duckies. Now, I'm thinking about this many years later as I'm looking at this post, that I think my dad was convinced to buy one of those rubber duckies at one point. My dad, he did not, he wasn't a frivolous man. He did not do things like this. But for some reason, I remember there was a rubber ducky that we bought or something. Of course, we didn't win the $10,000.
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Because who's keeping track of those rubber duckies once they get in the river? Who? Who's keeping track of those? How do they make sure they catch all of them? Where was the rubber ducky going? Where was it supposed to get off? Who was in charge of making sure the rubber ducky got off? It is a non-motorized rubber ducky without even a human being on it. What are you doing?
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Unbelievable how things have changed.
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Everybody threw everything into the river. I think there was a river in Buffalo, New York that was on fire for a decade or something like that.
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Oh, the River of Fire in Ohio. Yeah, it just didn't set itself on fire and it was on fire for like 10 years or something.
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It's like that, remember they were trying to clean up the Seine River for the French Olympics? Yeah, I don't ever think they really, I don't ever think they had swimming there.
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Oh, they were like, oh, this is not. This sucks, yeah. Yeah, I mean, that was never a good idea. That was never a good idea. I've been to Paris. I saw them pulling stuff out of the river. There were like, I don't know what you call them. They're people who take the, like the magnet fishers. Do you know what I'm talking about?
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Bass ass. That's what I'm worried about.
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So they take huge magnets, they put them in the water, and they see what they can pull up. So we were watching some magnet fishers around the Lovelock Bridge.
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Yeah, that's not what they were picking up. They were picking up bicycles left and right. Because apparently... In Paris, it's just a thing. When you get done with your bike, when your bike's old and it doesn't work anymore, you just throw it in the river.
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So they took out tens of thousands of bikes from that river, but they still couldn't clean it up to a point where human beings should be in there. It's a sad state of affairs when you think about it. When I really don't want my children playing in the Chattahoochee River. And I don't know. To me... My dad lives on a lake. Let me give you an example. My dad lives on a lake.
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The lake is controlled by Duke Energy. It's controlled by the dam. And Duke Energy is in charge of that dam. Therefore, Duke Energy is responsible for the cleanliness of that lake. That's their job. They made the lake. It's for their private uses to make money. It is their responsibility to make sure that that lake stays in some kind of good shape. Well,
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The lake has this weird film on top of it, like this weird, frilly, foamy film that kind of goes all over the place. It's dark in nature, in color. It looks like floating poop. If I'm just being honest to you, it just looks like a pile of shit is what it looks like floating in places, not everywhere. And I wonder what that is.
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And while my dad tries to convince me that it's just the natural comings and goings of Mother Nature, I think it looks like the natural comings and goings of a lot of drunk rednecks, in my opinion. But that makes me nervous when I send my children out to go swimming in there.
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Many people have been sick coming out of my dad's house. There's lots of different reasons, I think, for that sickness. But it does seem to be true that, you know, there's a better chance than not someone's going to come home.
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It's not helping, I don't think. I actually saw a person take a poop in that lake one time. Yeah, I'm not going to get into all the details, but there was an incident where someone had to go and they just let it rip right off the side of a dock. And I was like, oh. Kids, kids. Roll them up. Roll them up. Big Ben, Parliament, let's go. Come on, out, out.
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Yeah, we took the kids out for the rest of the day and then had to leave early the next day because you don't know where that poop is floating. And I'm not naive enough to believe that there's not poop in most of our waterways. That's probably how it works. That's how it's worked for eons and decades, you know, since humans have been around, since animals have been around.
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Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Animals, yeah. Animals poop in that water all the time, too. All the bass poop. Listen, I can get over that. The bass poop. That's what I worry about is the bass poop. Bass ass. That's what I'm worried about. When I'm going down that Chattahoochee River, I think about bass ass. Because those bass, they just open their mouth. They're bottom feeders. They suck in whatever comes.
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That means if a human poop is floating down the river, they just open up their mouth and they eat it.
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Yeah, they're the cleaners. But then what? But everything poops. You know what I'm saying? So if it goes in one end, it's got to come out the other. I'm a little nervous about this. I'm just a little nervous. I don't think anybody that doesn't have a great immune system should be running down that Chattahoochee on a raft, my personal opinion.
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And I will argue that with my wife until my kids are long out of this house, that no, we shouldn't go shoot the hooch.
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Yeah, it's a thing. They're going to go do it. I'm going to say wear a face condom. Watch out for the bass ass. Watch out for bass ass, kids. We never know what they're sucking in or throwing out. When you shot the hooch, why would you not return to it?
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. I certainly do appreciate it. I was just here reading, there's a Facebook page called I Grew Up Atlanta.
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No shit. Yes. Yeah. That was my challenge every time I did it.
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So they would say to you, like, you know, and listen, these are companies that have been around for a long time. They're reputable places. I'm not trying to knock their business model. But, you know, the shoot and the hooch or the chat, whatever the name of the company is. But every spring they open up and there is a landing here and there's a landing there and there's a landing two miles.
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Oh, okay. So you're like up in North Georgia somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. OK, so and what they tell you is they give you a piece of paper and it says about two hours to get to landing A, about two hours to get to landing B and about an additional two hours to get to landing C. So you your call, you do whatever you want to do.
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And when you get there, we have a bus that'll take you back to your car with the raft. So you rent the raft. But these are kids. They're literally children, you know, 16, 17 years old that are filling these rafts. Some are jobs and they push you off and you have no, there's no fucking clue about like, okay, about two hours.
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But that largely depends on how fast the water is going, how much water is in the river, whether or not the dam has released water over the last couple of days. There's like a lot of X factors that go into it. And that doesn't include the rapids, the rocks, the shallow water, the pee breaks, all the different stuff that you have to do.
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And there's parts of the river where you can stand and there's parts of the river that are way too deep. You can. So for me, almost every time I went out there, we ended up floating too far and we're another two hours in. You're right. It always became like a way too long adventure. Two hours, I can handle. But now imagine you brought an 18-pack amongst three people. You're two hours in.
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And they are talking about the...
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beginnings of the great american ramblin raft race which then became shooting the hooch shooting the hooch shooting the chattahoochee i'm sure every town that has a river or a big stream has some version of this a million people decide on one day that they're going to get together put their rafts inside of the flowing water and head on down a big old boozy sunday with a bunch of beer yeah
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You miss the exit. There's no way to turn back. You're not going to hand paddle upstream on a flowing river that's pretty big, actually, you know, half a mile wide in some places. So you're not going to get very far. So you miss that first exit. It's not like a car where you get off at the next exit and turn around. Now you've got to make sure you hit the second one.
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And I remember one time we also missed the second one, and now we were six hours in.
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It was almost dark. Like, it was basically dark. And we were lucky. Lucky. Only because now we were super attentive for two hours. No water, no beer, no food.
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Yes. I'm done. I'm done. But now we're in for another two hours. Here we go. Because you can't just, like, pull off on the side. Like, it's a river with a bunch of trees and bushes. You can't just yank your and then hope that someone finds you and comes and picks you up. I know. You never know where you are. Here's my point. Don't shoot the hooch.
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If I'm going to tell you to do something, I'd rather you go to the dysentery-filled Whitewater Rapids theme park here in Georgia, where at least it smells like chlorine. You know there's bleach in the water. Then go into the Chattahoochee River. No knock on all the wonderful people who are trying to keep it clean, but I'm not sure it is.
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Sure. Don't get your feet anywhere near the water, but sure. It's like that New Orleans soup. Is that what they call it? New Orleans stew, New Orleans whatever, the water that collects in the streets. Some guy was making a video of it. He's like, you see that he had like in that New Orleans twang? He's like, you see that? That's New Orleans stew.
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It had like this film on top of it and there was like rats eating at it. And I was like, oh.
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And he's like, he's doing God's work because he explained that every time he sees a tourist in sandals, he alerts them that they should go immediately back to wherever it is they're staying, the hotel, and change their shoes or buy a pair of closed-toed shoes because you do not want to have open-toed shoes walking down Bourbon Street or any of those places.
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All that water that sits on those sidewalks is not fresh rainwater.
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Water, booze, pee, poop, puke. Yeah. I mean, honestly, Vegas and New Orleans, keep your shoes on. That's all I can say. Even though Vegas does a good job of keeping itself clean, you still never know what's on top of there. And that is much like that Chattahoochee water. You would never drink that. Most people in Atlanta don't even drink the tap water. That's like a no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
But you can't sit still for 15 seconds and just say goodbye to those people. Seems really rude. You don't have to love everybody on stage. You don't have to love what they're about. You don't have to love their politics. You don't have to love who they love. You don't have to do any of that. All you have to do is just stand there and say goodbye. But you make a show of it.
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Are you kidding me? It's an honor. And I know that people like some people may argue that like Saturday Night Live is a bastion of liberal thinking and they're always beating up on conservative ideas. They're beating up on everybody. That's what they do. And yes, do they tend to lean liberal? Yes. A lot of people in Hollywood creative types do. They just have empathy for other human beings.
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So that's how they lean. But if it's good enough that you can get yourself in front of 15, 16, 25 million people, then it's good enough to sit with the 15 other artists and creators who are helping you get that message out, get your music out. It's good enough that you can stand there and be respectful for a second. Now, I'm not sure.
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I don't think anybody's yet found out whether Morgan even understood he was supposed to stand there. But that seems like would seem like a convenient excuse since he's been there before. He's done this another time. So I would say nay to Morgan. First of all, don't invite him back. Second of all, Morgan, just be nice. That's all you got to do is be nice and respectful.
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We don't all have to agree on politics or anything. But can't we stand, you know, can us as artists or creators just stand there and celebrate each other? I mean, whatever. Anyway, who cares? Fucking Morgan Wayland. There's a girl on my Instagram. I think I mentioned this the other day. There's a girl on my Instagram. She got catfished. I don't know how I found this girl.
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I don't know why I'm following her. I'm following a bunch of people that I don't know because I found one of the reels funny or interesting. And then I just followed him so I could follow up on it, maybe for the show or whatever. She got catfished by someone claiming to be Morgan Whalen's assistant, mother, brother, sister. She had this whole situation go down.
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And those people stole tens of thousands of dollars from her, like from her credit card. They asked to send money. She kept sending it on her whatever it was, credit card or Chase credit card or whatever.
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She kept sending them money through PayPal and Venmo and all this because they kept telling her that Morgan was going to invite her to wherever he lives and that they were going to have a date and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Listen, I think you got to be pretty thick to believe that any famous person would reach out via social media, ask you for money, and then invite you on a date.
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Do you know what I'm saying? And I don't think Morgan, with his $28 million private jet where he's going to God's country, needs any help with... I don't think he needs tens of thousands of dollars from anybody. But... Let's make the assumption that the story was at all believable in the first place. Wouldn't you do a little checking?
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OK, so this whole thing goes down. And while this whole thing is going down, she's getting very she's like one of these people who posts constantly, almost as if the screen is a friend and she's update or a boyfriend or a husband or a wife or whatever. And she's updating them constantly on what's going on. Hey, here's what I had for breakfast. Here's me brushing my teeth.
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Here's what I'm doing for my dance routine. I almost got a job. I applied for this. I did that. All of it. kind of like stream of consciousness a little weird. And I noticed there are a lot of people out there who are doing this. Three, four, five reels in an hour. And they're just like, it's as if they're talking to somebody in the room and who they're talking to is social media.
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If you're going to put yourself out there like that, you're likely going to have people that are not going to be nice about what you're saying. I've never said a word to this person, by the way. I'm not that person. I don't jump in on the comments, but I like to read the comments. I just don't jump in on them. So this whole thing is going down.
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She has this imaginary relationship going on with Morgan in her head, and she keeps talking about it, blah, blah, blah. Turns out he's not real. They're not real. And after some months and some trying to get her money back from the credit card company and all this, it's just gone. It's lost. The police are like, what do you want us to do?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
They never get prosecuted. Never. Unless there's like a firm trail of evidence. Those people are in, you know, Timbuk fucking 2. They're never going to get prosecuted for anything. It's likely they barely know how to, you know, they barely have a grocery store around them, let alone a police department that gives a shit. So... All this goes on. She's... Lots of tears, lots of upsetness.
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She goes on a local... Not a local, but an internet television show that's much like Catfish. It's actually called Online Catfish. But it's not the actual... It's not Neve. It's like two other people. I don't know if it's connected or not connected, but it seems to be pretty popular. Okay. And they do...
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catfish stories so she gets picked to do one of these stories and the guy on the program the girl in the program are kind of level-headed and they're like didn't you have any indication that this might not be morgan whalen when morgan whalen is like he's talking you know he's talking to you on this on his mom's instagram account But he's actually playing a sold out show in Los Angeles.
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Like, doesn't it seem like, didn't you put two and two together that he might not be able to talk to you while he's doing a sold out show? And sometimes she seems to get it. And other times she's like, well, he could have been backstage. And it's like, no, come on, lady. I mean, you know, honestly, sad. All this goes down. Show comes out. She's very upset about how she was portrayed.
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But then here's the kicker. Over the last couple of weeks, she has started to talk to the camera about how she believes that she is owed, at least owed, a conversation with Morgan, like an invitation to meet with him and have a conversation since somebody else used his name to screw her over. And she thinks that if...
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If I just had a chance, if I just could meet him, then he would see what a beautiful relationship we can have. This is scary stalker type shit. Now, I don't think she's like a dangerous. She doesn't seem to be a dangerous or violent person. Seems to be very sweet, actually.
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What she's showing is right. Exactly. She doesn't show us cooking the rabbits in rabbit stew. You know what I'm saying? But I just keep thinking to myself, I'm watching someone turn in real life. I'm watching someone turn a corner in real life. They have gone from I had a really bad situation to almost full-blown delusional. Yeah. Listen, I would love it if Dua Lipa would show up at my house.
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She could ask me for any amount of money. I wouldn't be able to give it to her, but she could ask. I'd try. Maybe I'd rob a bank or something for Dua. But if Dua came to my house and asked me for something and said, we could have a beautiful relationship, I'd say, Astrid, what do you think about polyamory? Yeah. No, not for you? Well, take care of the kids and tell them I love them. I'm kidding.
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I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I take the kids with me. Okay, so Dua Lipa is never going to reach out to Brian Greene or Chrissy Hoadley or my wife. Never. Why? Because those people have lives that have their own friends and their own family members. And they are very busy and they know better. It's like it's like rule number one of fame, an agent somewhere.
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We've had agents that have told us this and we don't and no one knows who the fuck the commercial break is. Be careful about interactions. Be careful about interactions because people you don't know who's on the other end of them. And people can interact and react in all kind of ways. But in my head, I just know that's never going to happen. Like, Dua Lipa doesn't give a shit about Brian Greene.
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Never will. Never has. Never will. And with good reason. I'm an idiot. But this poor girl, she just doesn't seem to get it through her head. And I'm starting to believe that I'm watching her turn in real life.
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A little delusional, like a therapist needs to intervene immediately. But second of all, it's really hard to date out there. When you're hoping that Morgan Whelan is going to show up at your front door, it must be really difficult to be a single person in 2025.
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I wish we'd go back to the good old days, Chrissy. Like the 80s or 90s. When it was, you know, when literally Pooh Tang was... Yeah, I mean, I wasn't dating in the 80s. What? Was I dating? Like when you're in second grade and you get a crush, is that a date? Like when you go to the all skate with somebody at the skating party? Is it like the movies or something?
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I don't know. Okay. Okay. In the 90s and 2000s, life just seemed a little easier. It seemed hard back then, but now I realize just how easy it was. You literally walk into a bar and pussy be falling from the sky. No doubt. Not really. But that's what mystery thinks. Anyway, in the 90s and 2000s, life was easier. And that's why, Chrissy, I want to take us back to a simpler time this episode.
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But first, do you have a good story for us so we can end this segment on a little bit of positivity?
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I'm sorry. They said after they've eaten fire. And I'm like, what? People are out there eating fire? Yeah. This is sounding like good news to me. Okay. All right.
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Good for her. I got to be honest with you. I have liked Paris Hilton since day one. I have liked her since day one, since that stupid fucking whatever, you know, that show.
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The Simple Life. I was into it from day one. And I've always liked Paris Hilton. And I don't know why. And I was with her one time at a bar. Oh, that's right. I was with her at a podcast conference one time. I watched her spin. And I got to be honest, it wasn't bad. And she really seemed to be into it.
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And even though she was with kind of like a bunch of like old, fat, you know, weird podcasters, she... Gave us a party. She threw a party.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I had friends that went to those. Yeah. Yeah, I like Paris. I've always liked someone who's in on the joke. I think it's I think that we were talking with Tim Baltz. Go back and listen to Tim Baltz's episode, Righteous Gemstones Shrink. I'll put some links in the show notes so you can go see it. But we had a great talk with him and we were talking with him and he was talking about Chris.
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Who's the guy, Chris? Shh. Now I can't remember his name. But he was like this weird kind of stand-up comic, but kind of Andy Kaufman-ish. He had his own show for a while. Anyway, I always liked when someone had a persona, but they seemed to be in on the joke. When she was like, that's hot, and everyone was freaking out because they felt she was dumbing down society.
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I think she was just... Her and Nicole were just in on the joke. They just got it. They got the zeitgeist. They were the zeitgeist. They were. And... When the zeitgeist ended, she smartly went away, and she came back the real Paris Hilton, and that's enjoyable, too. So I liked both versions of her, and good for her, helping out those ladies. There's your nice news. Yeah. I mean, but $25,000.
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Can't we put a little bit more in the tank? I mean, your dad owns Hilton. I mean, come on. Let's go. Your grandpa was Conrad. Come on. Let's go. All right. Let's take a break, and when we get back, Chrissy, we're going to do some Blind Date UK. It's been a while, and I look forward to hearing what Celia Black has to say for us. Okay. We'll be back.
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Hey, all you cats and kittens out there in the podcast universe. I want to tell you about Rule Breakers with Serea. It's a new podcast from our partners at Odyssey that celebrates the rebels, the risk takers, and the ones who make their own way. It's these people who often change the lives of the people around them and the world at large.
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And while in the moment it may be hard to see the forest through the trees, those Rule Breakers often define what it means to be a success. Each week, former wrestling superstar Serea sits down with the boldest voices in sports, entertainment, and beyond to talk about breaking barriers, defying expectations, and rewriting the rules.
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They're talking about it all, the fights, the failures, and the moments that changed everything. You can follow and listen to Rule Breakers with Serea on the free Odyssey app or wherever you get your podcasts. And hear, hear to the Rule Breakers for keeping life interesting. All right. And we're back.
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Listen, I said I was going to do Celia Black Blind Date UK, but we actually got into it a little bit and figured out that we could not understand a fucking word that was being said. No, the accents were so thick. The accents were way thick. So we're going to bail on that and I'm going to change it up a little bit. I still have 90s dating show material. I've got lots of it.
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I think we should do, as a good backup plan here, I think we should do... Remember the show Studs?
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Studs. This is a... I haven't thought about that show. I know. We're talking like mid to late 90s, grunge era, new rock. Think Kid Rock, Limp Bizkit.
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And there was a show where they would take two or three men, two or three women. They would put them on couches. They would send them on dates and then they would get their opinions of what happened afterwards on a couch. And what you win. I don't know who fucking knows who fucking cares. That's not the point of the thing. There's a host. He prods it along. And basically, here's how it goes.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
The people who went on the date, as they go on the dates with each other, they write things down, their impressions of what's going on and what's happening. And then the host will read these options out. Who said this? And then they give them three options. So I'm just telling you how it's going to go here. Obviously, the producers highly edit and can these responses. No one is this quick-witted.
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But you'll get it. It's a fun thing. Bordering on sexual assault type of show. The 1990s were wild. When you look back on it, it's like, where were we? What were we? What was anyone thinking? How do we get away with this shit? And why do we get away with this shit? So let's let's take a look at studs here.
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No, this was on, like, UPN or The CW. I think it was, like, in that syndication. Back in the 90s, they started to do this syndication model. Television channels would pop up, and what they would do is they would buy...
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mainly syndicated television shows, shows that were made that no network really wanted, but they would buy them on the cheap, syndicate them, and then the syndicated show would take a cut of the revenue. So channels like CW, UPN, WB, all these channels popped up out of nowhere, and they had very little original content.
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But they were syndicating like, you know, Judge Judy, Studs, all these dumb shows that no one else wanted. And they would put them on during the daytime or late at night. Studs was one of those shows. It floated around, depended on where he lived, because it was the local markets that would buy the show.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Yeah, they would travel around like regionally. They had like these regional competitions. I remember that good old days. Do you remember good old days here in Atlanta and Roswell Road? Anybody who remembers, anybody who's lived in Atlanta for any period of time might remember good old days. First bar I went to. First bar I went to. Thank you.
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We'll give you $100, get a motel room, fuck each other, and come back and tell us all about it.
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Is that lingo that I'm not understanding? I did the streets of San Diego.
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That's an interesting dance move I haven't heard about before. Let me stuff random socks down your pants.
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Someone's tie. First of all, where did you get the tie? Who's giving you a tie?
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Second of all, you put it down his pants. Third of all, did you give the tie back is what I want to know.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Yeah, like anybody has said any of these things you're talking about today.
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But have you noticed that brooch keeps moving all over her shirt?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Oh, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my dear friend and the co-host of this show, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Yeah, they give you a trinket with hair from Ben Stiller. I don't know what's going on.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
She had a pirate shirt on? Like, argh, that kind of pirate? Or what are we talking about here?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
What? Oh, a little sexual assault to end the date, huh, Milt? Milt Jr. III, or whatever is Milt Jr. III. Ha! I'm a land developer. Even the host knows he went too far.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
That's right. By the way, do we just skip over the assault part of the night? I mean, don't we have to follow up on that? Why are you grabbing her breasts like that?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. I'm terribly sad today because I just learned that Val Kilmer died.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I knew it. It was the other guy. Oh, Ty. Ty's losing on all fronts. Look at Ty in the couch. He just looks like he's lost.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I said from the tips of acrylic. Well, we know what he said because there's only two choices, you dum-dum.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Val Kilmer. If you're younger than 30 years old, you probably don't even know who Val Kilmer is unless you're a movie buff. And then you will know Val Kilmer because he was in some of the most wonderful movies ever made, quite frankly. I mean, a few of them, right? So he was in Top Gun. Tombstone. Tombstone.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Get after it. Get on it. Hey, listen, two consenting adults can have a good time, right, Chrissy? Of course. I don't oppose. I don't object, Your Honor. Nice hotel room?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
We know what he said. It's the only choice left. Geez, you don't have to repeat the dumb line four times. Hey, do me a favor. We're not saying my boner lines enough.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
The way she holds you? What are you, two? The way she holds you. She haunts me. I don't know. It's just funny to hear that coming out of that man's mouth.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Okay. Let's take a break. And then when we come back, we'll, this is a very interesting time capsule here, Chrissy. I really am enjoying this. Okay. We'll be back.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
All right, we're back reviewing the early 90s daytime television dating show, Studs. Because why not? Name it Studs. Get another boner joke in there.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
He was a Batman, a one-hit wonder Batman, but I think he played a good Batman.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I hold them. I hold them like a baby. She said, I put their hand in a place where... Let's hear that again.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
So you don't mind making the first... Wow, she seems really jittery, doesn't she? She does.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I liked Val Kilmer as Batman. True Romance. True Romance. That's correct. He was in, was he in Weird Science? Not Weird Science. He was in one of those teenage movies. He like made his debut in one of those 80s teenage movies.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Chance of a lifetime? I'm sorry, young lady. I'm sure you have lots of chances of a lifetime. You're a pretty good-looking girl. I don't think many guys turn you down.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I think that's what goes on here. Yes. I think the premise of the show is we'll give you $100, get a motel room, fuck each other, and come back and tell us all about it.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Is that lingo that I'm not understanding? I did the streets of San Diego.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Whoa. Yeah, because we were doing blow all night long. I'm sure of it.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Oh, Jesus Christ. I have mercy. What is going on? Oh, my God. I can't believe this didn't get censored.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
But for me, like when people say that, what's that movie that won all the awards about the trans woman? Oh. It's so forgettable at this point. It's so forgettable. The musical with the trans, you know, drug dealer or whatever.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
show no it's oh no i missed out on that one or the poor metal guy just keeps getting i know why are we not asking a follow-up question about dr pepper being poured on you i mean come on host whatever your name is ambiguous host from the 90s dating shows that he looks kind of familiar oh he's been oh he was like a host of a bunch of these type of shows she wiped out the gun and chewed my face instead really yeah where were you we were in my car and we were gonna kiss and
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Is he going to sing a man a lullaby? Sing a man a lullaby. The writing on this show is horrific. Of course we do. Judging by the reaction in the crowd, Studs was pretty popular. He was.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Yeah, it's iron her underpants because when you're high on cocaine, you do a lot of that stuff.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I wish they had a sound effect, like that Boeing sound effect, so I could play it.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Everybody said, or some people said, that movie changed my life. And we were all like, really? That movie changed your life? Oh, no. Never mind. It was Anora. Anora. They were like, that movie changed my life. I was like, really? It was a life-changing movie? The Doors, for me, was a life-changing movie.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Sherry. By the way, who's talking in the background? There's like a bunch of conversation going on in the background. Is there another television show being filmed in the same room?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
There you go, Sherry. The whole show you're doing like boner innuendos and sexual conversation. And I get the most milquetoast questions I've ever heard.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
The queen of what? All shit-a-vays? I don't know. Who cares, honestly? Look at that crowd. Wow, that's a snop shout of 1991 if I've ever seen one. Hey, how are you?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
What was that? It was a lion noise because the sound effects back then didn't work all that well.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Melty! Oh, look at Melty with that long, silky hair. Thank you.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I actually have a hard time distinguishing between the real Jim Morrison and Val Kilmer's version.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
But wait, I thought you guys ended the date in the morning. Doing the streets. Doing the streets of San Diego. I mean, what more could you ask for? He also squeezed your breasts together like a roll of Play-Doh. I don't know. Something about the cookies.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Oh, it's a Ty. Well, no, one big Milton. Oh, Ty, yeah. Oh, I thought Ty was certainly going to be the loser here, but okay.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Because he embodied... Jim Morrison so incredibly, accurately, and ethereally. It was like Jim Morrison came down and just took over Val Kilmer. He looked like him. He danced like him. He sang like him. He acted like him. And even though there's not a ton of offstage footage of Jim Morrison, like documentary footage of Jim Morrison, if you watch any...
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
They just pay for you to go somewhere. By the way, I love this show now. I want an all-expense-paid trip to all of Europe.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I didn't know neither was going to be a choice. All right, maybe we'll do another Wild Woman Week. You never know. That was good. I like that. All right. I didn't know what to expect there, but I ended up going, I should have watched more of this as a child. This is completely mindless television that I would have enjoyed. Oh, wow. Studs, now available everywhere you get YouTube.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Well, that was the style back then. Your jacket went below your butt. Now your pants don't even go all the way down to your socks. That's the style. I mean, but it'll come back. Everything always does. It'll come back. Guys will be wearing, you know, jackets down to their knees again, like some ska band. I'll figure it out. Oh, that was fun. I like that.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I'm glad we made that switch last minute because we would not have understood anything. I'll get back to Celia Black. I'll find an episode where we can actually hear it. The thing is, is that if you can't understand it by just listening, then it defeats the purpose of doing a podcast.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
All right. Just a quick reminder that on May 31st, Chrissy and I will be doing Chrissy and I will be recording and publishing 12 episodes of the commercial break and what we're calling the 12 hours of TCB celebrating five years of the commercial break as a podcast and mental health awareness month for May. So tune in. Mark your calendars.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Looks like we're going to be doing a live recording that day. Also, we'll broadcast it on Twitch and possibly YouTube. Also, April 16th, 17th, and 18th, I would like you to call into the commercial break while we are recording. We will answer the phone call. You will get to choose what you talk about. Anything, everything, whatever.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
We'll stay on the phone as long as we can digest your conversation. As long as we like you, we'll stay on the phone. It's a little bit. I'm calling. Call TCB. So I'll remind you about that, but 212-433-3822, 212-433-3TCB.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas at thecommercialbreak on Instagram and youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak for all the episodes the same day they air here on the audio. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast audience. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say,
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Real footage of the real Jim Morrison, and then you watch The Doors, you cannot tell the difference. It is really hard to do that. And that movie is so incredible. And I know that it's Oliver Stone, and Oliver takes a lot of creative liberties.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
But as an 11, 12, 13-year-old boy or whatever it was, when that movie came out, I went and saw it in the movie theaters with some of my friends. Like, my parents would have never let me see that movie. But someone's parents took us to the movie theater. We snuck in to see the door. The guy sold us the tickets. We went and saw the doors. And I just remember being in that movie theater, captivated.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I said, that's what I want to do. I want to do that for a living. I'd always loved music, but then that just solidified it for me. And who could have guessed it that just a few short years later, I would be falling off stage in a drunken... Stupor at an empty bar in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, to nobody. Doing my best Val Kilmer doing Jim Morrison impression. It was unbelievable.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I will always be in love with Val Kilmer for playing that role. He also did... Didn't he do a drug addict in a movie? Wasn't he in... Was it Rush? No, Rush was the other guy.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Yeah, I'll be your Huckleberry. That's a good one. when he met in the movie when Jim Morrison meets Andy Warhol. And Andy Warhol says, everybody will have their 15 minutes of fame. So true. He was so accurate about that. He knew it. He saw it coming. And now, look at us all. We all have podcasts and Instagram channels, and we're all getting our 15 minutes of fame. Fame and fame.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Being famous is not such an elusive thing anymore. Quite frankly, it's really easy to do. All you need is a social media account and either a really rock-hard body or the ability to say and do dumb, stupid shit like we do here at the commercial break. But anyway, he says, I got this phone. The guy playing Andy Warhol, who's also a fantastic actor, by the way, he says, I got this phone.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
And God called. But when he called, I didn't have anything to say to him. And I just like the way that Val acts in that scene is so mesmerizing that I don't know any other way to put it. He it's one of the best moments on screen ever, ever. That in the one scene where they're doing acid in the desert, because I've also done acid in the desert.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
And it was very accurate depiction of what it's like to do acid in the desert. You're scared, you're lonely, and you're certainly going to die. There you go. There it is. Val Kilmer, gone. Way too young.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Yeah, that's what they said. I saw his last video. He put out a social media video maybe like two or three days ago. Two or three days ago. And he donned a Batman mask. But his voice was not Val Kilmer's voice.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
He died of pneumonia? Yeah. Geez, that's what takes you. That's the random shit that takes you when you get our age. When you get into your late 30s, that's what takes you is pneumonia or hip break or something like that. You just can't recover. Your body just doesn't do it. Oh, Val, gone too soon. And he went to Juilliard, too, which I did not know until I read the articles.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Really? I didn't know that. There you go. You learn something new every day. Anyway, RIP Val Kilmer. I'll pour one out for you. You will always be one of my favorites for if for anything. I mean, there's so many other great roles you had, too. But if for anything, you literally sucking up the ghost of Jim Morrison and allowing it to be on screen. And if you haven't seen the movie The Doors.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Get a glass of wine or your favorite, call your favorite D, get him to bring over a bag of your favorite, you know, Laffy Taffy or Speedball or whatever it is you choose to do. Be safe out there, kids. Do it at home. Don't drink and drive. Don't drug and drive. But watch that movie in some state of intoxication or meditation and tell me that it's not just an amazing movie start to finish.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
It really is. Anyway, that's the sad news today. But, you know, there's lots of other good stuff that's happening in the world, Chrissy. Yeah. I haven't read about any of it.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Okay, give us a nice news newsletter. Pick one out. Pick an article out. Because, you know, I'm only going to talk trashy shit. And I'm sorry, that's just...
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
The thing is that because I love my Instagram and my news feeds and I've kind of honed them into this very specific version of the algorithm, the problem is it's not always the most positive version of the algorithm because it's not always what I'm looking for. It's not that I'm a negative person. I'm trying to find humor in all of this. I really have decided that this is all becoming very...
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
is tragically hilarious. Like the world around us is becoming tragically hilarious.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
And I think that I'm just going to laugh at it because there's nothing else to do. I have no purchase in what goes on in the larger scene. All I can do is control the things that are directly around me and maybe make some other people laugh in the meantime. So I think that I've just decided this is all for like, I think Was it George Carlin that said this? This is all for my entertainment.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
The world is for my entertainment. And I'm just choosing to laugh at it, observe it and laugh at it.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Does sound like something he would say. So if it's something that I'm saying that I'm brilliant, if it was something that he said, then at least I've quoted him. I think George Carlin said that. And that's all really that we can do. I mean, there are other things that we can do, of course, too, but not a middling podcaster. What am I supposed to do, Chrissy?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Speaking of middling podcaster, while you figure out which story you want to tell us.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Middling podcaster Morgan Whalen is getting Morgan Wallen. Morgan Whalen. How do you say his name? I don't know. Don't care. Really, quite frankly, don't care. Morgan is not my flavor of music. I'm just not a huge country music fan. I think there are some great country songs. There are some great country artists. Morgan's not my flavor. Now, that's not to knock his music.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
I just don't really get into it. Okay, fine. Whatever. But did you see where he walked off Saturday Night Live? Yes. Without saying, like, doing the traditional goodbyes to everybody in the cast? Why? Why do that?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
First of all, must be really nice to have a $26 million Learjet waiting to take you to God's country. How tone deaf is that? I guarantee 99.999% of your fans probably will never sit in a private plane. Most of us may never even sit in first class again, let alone a private plane. And then to tweet that I got to get back to God's country as if something is wrong.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
You know, it's like it's just it's divisive. It doesn't make any sense. And walking off directly in front of the camera where you knew that was going to be out on live television in front of millions of people just seemed rude to me. Like Saturday Night Live. And I want to say this about Morgan Whelan. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen. Whalen.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
Whalen. Whalen. He was supposed to be on Saturday Night Live. When that all blew up, he was supposed to be on Saturday Night Live that week. Saturday Night Live obviously made the decision that it's too hot to trot right now. Lorne Michaels said, yeah, I'm sorry, kid. You can't come on. Not now. The kitchen is too hot. You got to get out.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
But six months later, they invited him back and they said, OK, here's your shot. You know, here's your shot at redemption after he went on the apology tour. And I'm really sorry. And that's not who I am and all that other stuff. They just like empty words that come out of every person's mouth when they get in trouble. But they get caught being themselves.
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
And all of a sudden they have some different story or excuse as to why it happened. Welcome to 2025. Well, Saturday Night Live had him on six months, seven months later. So they invite him back for a second time. And it's not like... So you decide to go do the show, but it's not... Where you want to be. It's not where you want to be. Why do the show at all?
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Muds, Duds & Studs!
You're doing the show so that you can get attention. Because that's what people who are... That's what mainstream artists do. They have to go... Feed the machine. And you went and fed the machine. And the people at Saturday Night Live and NBC and all the other people who are involved in that decision gave you the platform to do that.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
Or it attributes to, you know, lubrication down there. We talked about this, right? There's a lot of different issues that can kind of come into play that makes sex awkward, uncomfortable or just generally undesirable.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
And one of the things that generally makes sex undesirable is me and the equation.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
So now we know the number. This was recorded about a year ago, though. So he's now 60. He's almost 60. He's going to have to do over 60. He's going to have to change. He's going to have to wipe all 2,000 subscribers out and go right back to the drawing board. Well, guess I can't do that anymore. Now he's going to have to change his equation for women.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
If you weren't with us on earlier versions, you can go back and listen to the old Frankie episodes. But Frankie has a whole math equation about what's an appropriate age to date. It really, at the end of the day, we couldn't actually figure out what the math equation was. We just know that.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
It's like I was driving 70 miles per hour, Spain officer. He's like, it's kilometers, son.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
I take steroids. I take Viagra by the handful.
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I'm telling you, I have been to parties where people are passing these around. Like in my 20s and 30s, I went to parties where people were like.
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Oh, my God. That was the craziest story. But I mean, I've told that many times before. But I actually knew a guy who took Viagra recreationally when he did not need it. And he was high on cocaine. And we had to drop him off at the hospital in like a drive-by shooting. We were just like, ah! Get out. See you later. Look at his cock.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
An episode you'll never hear. Funny story on the way to this episode. Chrissy and I, we record live on Fireside. And actually, probably a couple episodes that you've heard have been live on Fireside. Whether you know it or not, we've been on Fireside.
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I'm doing reps right now. You just can't see it. One, two, one, two, one, two. Do those kegels.
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That slows you down. It will. Age only slows you down when you get old. That's all I got to say, okay?
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Exactly, Frankie. Where are you going with this? How did we end up here? What are we talking about? I thought you were going to fix my dick. What are we talking about?
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Me too. Yeah. The one thing that I think most guys are on top of is the haircut. Maybe during the pandemic things got a little shaggy. But I think we're bringing it back together nicely.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
That's right. And what are we talking about now, Frankie?
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It's always the same thing. We always go back to the same thing.
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Yeah, my hair is beautiful, my body's awesome, and my dick is hard. He just ends up talking about himself for an hour.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
Your choices in YouTube videos get worse.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
And so what Chrissy and I did was we recorded an episode that we were lovingly referring to as Bill Murray's voicemail because I got Bill Murray's voicemail phone number and I was going to ask people if they wanted to leave Bill a message. Well, we were plagued with technical issues and it just didn't come out strong out of the gate.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
Meanwhile, you're in a crosswalk in downtown Denver and people are like, wait, I'm trying to get my dick to work. It's all in my mind. Jeff's like, I got to figure shit out up here to make it work down here. I'm like, who are you?
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
I'm trying to get a stiffy. Where did you come from? I thought I was having sex with my wife. Honey, these edibles are great. We have an audience. I think a bus just hit you. This is crazy.
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Some girl is like, who are you? A couple wakes up out of the bed. They're like, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought someone called for confidence. No. You better get a haircut, buddy. You're looking a little pudgy. Hey, sweetie, call me if you ever need a rock hard cock at 59. I'm not worried about it one bit. Haven't thought about it one bit.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
Although I still call myself 58 and a half. I don't even measure my, like, I'm even past measuring in years. I'm just like, I'm 40-something. Whatever. Who cares?
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
We need you to clock in, clock out, spread your old seed all over some woman. That's what she wants. That's what she's got to get.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
That's right. It's 2021 and women are still looking for you to clock in and clock out. Spread that seed, buddy. Get in there. Get out of there. Get the job done. Get out of there, man. You're in there too long. By the way, I'm going to share this with all of my friends here at the commercial break.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
And so I decided that I'm... If you want to listen to it, go to Fireside.
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If you are going to sleep with a woman, regardless if it's your first time or not, if the mood is there, if we're amorous enough that we're in the bedroom or somewhere... Or the bedroom is somewhere else. You know what I mean? If you're there, there. She's not worried about what your belly looks like or what your hair looks like. No. She's ready. Neither should you be. Right.
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She's ready and you should be also. Forget all that shit. Enjoy the moment. Put yourself right there in that moment. Be passionate. Be in the now. Get it together. Do a little teen-er.
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Listen, be present for the, I want you to be present for the entirety of that 30 seconds. I want you to be there.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
Present 30 seconds. So gentlemen, the first thing I want to talk about, I feel this. Wait, first thing. Did I rewind the video? First thing. Okay. Oh, This already feels like a long video, Frankie. I thought that was all five you just talked about.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
So we reviewed some voicemails that I found online, and there is a guy, and he has the best laugh I have ever heard on anyone. It's like a cartoon laugh.
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TCB Classic: The Curious Case Of E.D.
Before I get into the first one, let me tell you about minus zero A. Exhibit A. Exhibit B.
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I'm going to briefly touch on a couple of seven other additional points. This is bonus material.
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Frankie needs someone to really make these videos much more concise because he just gave the same advice he's given in every single video, which is pay attention to your body. Eat right. Be confident. Don't worry about how old you are. But he never tells you how to do that. He never gets to the point of like what the actual action is that you need to take.
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He just tells you you need to be a stuffy and a fat, ugly slob with bad hair.
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Don't be complacent. Shake it up. Bring a couple extra women into the bedroom. Yeah, you've been in that marriage, what, 70, 80, 90 years? 20, 30, 40 years. What are these people, 90? 20, 30, 40 years. If I'm married to Astrid 40 years, I'm 112.
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What does this have to... Excuse me, Frankie?
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Excuse me, Frankie? Frankie? Yeah, it's me in the corner over here. What does this have to do with my dick? Can you talk about my dick a little bit?
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Loved it. So if you hear that laugh, that's what we're referring to. I don't want you to be out of the loop because, of course, we never played that episode anywhere. So yet another episode lost in space. 61 or 62, I stumble upon something that will become folklore in the- It's gold, Brian.
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can we talk frankie can we talk or the editor of this video or whoever is helping frankie with these videos he just talked about this for six of the first 12 minutes he just said these exact same things and now he's illustrating them again with just a different he's actually being very specific he's like if you're in sales if you're in sales for general motors in the detroit office
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And you look fat and ugly and you walk into the office with your limp dick every day saying, well, you know, I'm the heavy hitter sales guy around here. First of all, what are you talking about, Frankie?
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Excuse me, Frankie, you're talking about sex or working out. I'm just wondering.
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Without testosterone, your balls aren't going to shrink and you aren't going to get horrible acne all over your chest. Have you seen that TikTok video of the roid rage guy? No. Okay, ready? I'm going to share this with you real quick because I think this is funny and I think it's an interesting... It's simpatico with it. Huge guy. I mean, like, huge. Like, neck is, like, out to here.
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Just, like, muscles like this. And he's got this tiny little voice and he's like, some people think that taking steroids means that you have roid rage. And in the background, some girl walks in the door. He's filming this in his kitchen. Yeah. And he's like... Get the fuck out of the kitchen! You're ruining my video! But it's totally not planned. Like, it's not scripted.
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She walks in and he goes off on her like crazy. And then he comes back to the camera and he's like, like I was saying, some people think that you have roid rage. It's true. It's true. We need to find time to work out.
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I'm going to give you two hours of playtime in the morning, two hours of playtime at night. I'm going to give you one hour of nap time. Then you can have snacks. And if you're good, then you can have some dessert. It sounds like what I talk about all day long. Trolls, happy meal. Trolls, happy meal. Trolls, world tour.
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In the history of the commercial break. The guy's name is Frank Bernardo, and he is an expert in all things fitness, fashion, fun, grooming, framing- Tic Tacs. Typography, geography, history, Tic Tacs, Tic Tocs. Tiaras. YouTube, tiaras. Fake boobs, real boobs. Greasy hair, oily hair.
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I am telling you right now, Frankie, I do not have an extra hour to build a better body. This is as good as it's going to get right now.
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There's nothing like sexual stammer to get you through. What is that, a new venereal disease? Sexual stammer. Sexual stammer is running rampant through our senior communities. The villages. Yeah, the villages. How's Papa Joe doing? Well, he's got a bad case of stammer.
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Oh, that damn stammer gets you every time. I was fucking her, but then my stammer went out. I got a bad case of the stammer.
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So we need to get you. Oysters. We're going to say this. Eating to make you sick will do nothing for your prick. You know what I'm saying? If you put it down your throat, it's not going to float your bone. I don't know what I'm trying to say here, guys. I get no respect. If you eat too many treats, you won't be able to beat your meats, okay? You know what I'm saying?
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Now, if you want to get up your stammer, let me tell you something. Ah, you know, this is how you get up your stammer. You eat 12 pounds of oysters, four milligrams of anabolic steroids.
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A whole glass of milk, pomegranates, and cocaine. You'll have the stammer to keep on going. I call it the stammer dammer bing bong diet.
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Wright has an ancient Chinese secret. Telling you what. Passed down from Bernardo to Bernardo. From limp dick to limp dick. All the Bernardos have had this problem. 22 years old, you can pretty much count on it.
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It's like a water house with a spigot turned off. You get cheated on 12 or 13 times by your wife with different guys, nonetheless. And your dick ain't going to be able to work. I'm telling you. But you know what's going to get you back in shape?
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Number one. Come in. Ancient Chinese secret. Here it is. Ancient Bernardo secret. You ready for this? Confidence. Comb your hair.
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Get a cut. Get your fashion right. Make sure you have a big engine under the hood. Yep. Cocaine.
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If you do those things in that order, you're going to be good to go.
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So, gentlemen, number four, this is big, too.
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It's big, like my dick. They're all big. They're all big. Everything's big. Everything I say is important.
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Erectile dysfunction. He is an expert in anything over 50. If you're over 50, he's your guy. He knows all about it. He's that guy that you go to the bar and you have a couple drinks and he never shuts up. Actually, he's the guy. That smashes into the bar. Yeah, that you smashes into the bar. He's the guy that you go to the bar and you're looking to have a drink and then he just pops up next to you.
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Wow. If you've been going to the barber year after year and he's been doing a good job, you know what you need to do? Walk in, punch him in the face, hit him in the potatoes and say, you know what? Fuck you, man. You're the reason I'm not getting laid. Frank Bernardo told me to do this. My length dicks because of you. My flaccid penis directly has to do with your haircutting abilities.
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Frank Bernardo says hello. Yeah. And then they just push Frank in on a car and he smashes through the window. Look at my body! Sorry about the client, guy.
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I'm almost monetizing on YouTube. 20 more subscribers and I'm going to be making bug bucks. Everything's big in my world.
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Am I stuck in a rut or stuck in a cut? Not sure.
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You know Ryan Gosling? He would do a man bun if he could. He just doesn't have the hair. How do I know? Because I beat up his stylist for him. I said, you've been doing Ryan's hair way too long. Look at that poor dick. It doesn't even work anymore.
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My body is a wonderland. All goes back to the body. It all goes back to Frank's body.
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You're going to exhume confidence. I just want you to know that. Your stam is going to be up and you're going to exhume confidence. You're going to literally get up out of the grass. You're going to bring in a backhoe and get that confidence. Yes, I'm here to exhume confidence. Yeah, we buried it at plot number 33. Right next to your stammer.
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Hey, my name's Frank Bernardo. How are you? You want to hear about some fashion tips?
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Number five, sword fighting. This is the way we practice. Gotta keep it up. I want you to go to your new barber and say, excuse me, can you trim my tree trunk right here if you don't mind? And then can we do a little sword fighting? You know how the porn guys make their dicks look big? They shave it down close.
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It's ancient Bernardo's secret. I'm telling you what.
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B98.5. Grooming tips from the 60s, 70s, and today. It sounds like a fucking radio commercial. It does. Dick stiffening help from the 70s, 80s, and today.
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Yeah. Your dick stiffening tips for your working day.
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I know. B98.5. And here's a hit from the 70s. Shave your balls for maximum dick legs. I'm Mr. Green. The dentist is ready for you now. Dr. Oswald will see you now. Oh, just one more minute. I wanted to catch this dick grooming tip. I love this station. What is it? Oh, it's D98.5. D. It's D98.5. Dick grooming hits from the 70s, 80s, and today. All your stammer in one place.
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Probably a boombox. Playing his theme song 24 hours a day so he can come out of water in a pool and look real sexy and cool in slow motion.
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Here's one of your favorites from Frank Bernardo. It's called Confidence.
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I don't even think New Balance makes new gym shoes in white.
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You're going to stiffen your dick. Don't even worry about it. You're going to get that tent back, boys. You're going to proudly walk through the mall with your dick hard as a rock. Wow. Brian got his dick back.
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Did you lose some weight? Cut your hair? I don't know. Something's different about you. Maybe it's your raging heart. That's right. I exhumed my confidence and got my stammer back. And now won't go down. Can you help take me to the hospital? Can you mind driving me off to the hospital? I think I'm having an emergency. Wow, you are looking kind of blue.
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That's because all of the blood is now rushed out of my head and into my cock. Thanks, Frankie B. No problem. Make sure you smash that subscribe button.
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We have a discount program at the hospital. You need to get that deflated. You're going to be different. That's the name of the game with everything here. I just see it now. There's thousands of people that subscribe to this channel and they take his advice and it's just like thousands of emergency room visits for hard dicks. As soon as you listen to this advice.
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So we found Frank, and we reviewed three of his... Online episodes, right? They're about 10 to 15 minutes long a piece. We reviewed three. And then Chrissy was sick one day and I had to quickly put together an episode. So what I decided to do is I threw together some clips from those three episodes and called it a best of show because we had to take a break because Chrissy wasn't feeling well.
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It's you. You're the problem. There's like violence all over the place again. The third barbershop murder in a week here in Atlanta, Georgia, as men are blaming their... flaccid cocks on their barbers. Let's go live to Jim down on the scene. It's another disastrous scene down here as the man walked in apparently and said, you're the problem for my floppy cock.
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Shot the barber twice in the head and left. This is all coming back to a man named Frank Bernardo online. I make apologies for nothing. There's a problem in this country and it's old barbers. I have a feeling maybe a barber is someone who slept with his ex-wife.
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I just can't tell you here. Call me. So gentlemen, if you incorporate everything that I just talked about. If you incorporate. What is he talking about? That's three big mistakes on words. It's stammer, exhuming confidence, and corporate. If you incorporate all of this stuff, you'll be in a different tax bracket. Talk to your attorney about that. I'm no tax professional.
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Complacent. Don't be complacent. Get your stamina up. Exhume your confidence. Remember to incorporate everything.
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Or both. When you're with your wife, when you're with your girlfriend, preferably not at the same time. Or, hey, I don't know, 2021. Maybe everyone's just exhuming.
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Just exhibit your exumption. That's all I got to say. You can exhibit your exumption in the way that you want to. Get on that stamina right now.
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right when you have a clear mind body and soul and all you gotta do is perform you're gonna be a rock star so take it sounds simple get right on that when you have a perfect mind body and soul when you've reached karma like the buddha did your dick's gonna be rock hard nothing you can't conquer i don't know how to get that way but yeah
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Well, we got murdered by about four yahoos, right? That just probably have never listened to the show ever. And they were like, these guys do the same fucking thing over and over and over again. We have done Frankie three times.
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You are literally going to radiate. It's going to radiate. It's probably because you've been zooming some shit down the street.
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With what? I don't know. I don't know what I learned from that video. I didn't learn a fucking thing. That's what makes Frankie B so great. You see, there's a lot of platitudes. Frankie just has a big videos with a lot of platitudes and he talks in circles. And you end up learning nothing.
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Yeah, you learned about exhuming. And stammer.
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And in corporate. And corporate everything you learned here. In corporate, we trust.
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Radiate. That's all I got to say. 99 episodes in. And we ended on a high note with Frankie B. Hey, listen here. Welcome to the commercial break! Look at my podcast!
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I'm normally polite, but if somebody irritates me, I'll just simply turn around and tell them to fuck off.
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So many people love Frankie B. Including us. We love Frankie B. We affectionately refer to Frankie B as Frankie. Frankie B. Yeah. I mean, he's got a name. We gave him a name. It's not what he calls himself. His name is Frank Bernardo. We call him Frankie B. Yes. And Frank is our friend, even though we have never talked to him. He's our friend.
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Yeah. I don't know. He's kind of gone away. Like, he hasn't posted too much stuff lately. Maybe it takes a long time.
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He's got a girlfriend. Or he's in jail. One of the two.
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Yeah. Or he's just talking somebody's ear off.
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But I tell you what, my friends, I have been sitting on this now for about 37 episodes. That's about four or five months. I've been sitting on this particular one, and I think it's time that we just do it. 99 episodes in, we're doing our 100th episode. Let's get one more Frankie B in under the gun before we turn 100 episodes in.
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Are you ready? I've been ready for weeks to do this one. I've been ready for months. I would have done this one right after the best of Frankie B if we had a choice.
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But I waited because of four yahoos out there who told us that we were shitheads and just kept doing the same thing over and over again. Fuck you. Here's Frankie B. Ready? Guess what Frankie's talking about today? Erectile dysfunction.
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Oh, yeah, it's the weekend. I'm going to fix your broken dick now. I'm going to get you hard. I'm going to fluff you up. Yeah. How can you not feel excited after that song? That's so cheap.
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Let's not even talk about Pearl Jam when we're talking about Frankie B. How dare you? You can't do that, Chrissy. It's against the rules. What's going on, everybody? It scared me, actually. What's going on, everybody? And welcome you to my grooming fitness fashion. You know, I say this.
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People are like... I'm sure there are people that do not listen to us on Monday morning because they're like, fuck that, man. Those guys just scream in my ear the entire time.
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That ED problem is passed down from Bernardo to Bernardo. An ancient Chinese secret. An ancient Chinese secret. Call it the cure of the flaccid floppy. You got a floppy disk? Don't worry. I'm Frank Bernardo, and I'm here to stiffen you up. How do you think I got my hair like this? Same product. Same product. Just rub a bunch of this industrial strength hair gel on it.
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It's going to be hard as a rock for days. It's going to cause a nasty yeast infection.
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It's soon to be 36. It's, you know, any guy who has a dick which are most of us, right? Understand that sometimes it works when you don't want it to. Sometimes it doesn't work when you don't want, when you want it to. And then sometimes it just does things on its own and you have no idea what's going on. That's what it seems like.
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Now, I think most of us in our younger years, including myself, don't have too much of a problem with this particular issue.
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Yeah, I had to tuck it under my shirt and stuff when I was walking up around high school.
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That's why I wore a blazer. People thought I was alternative. I was just hiding my boners. Hiding my boners. Hiding my boners. Hey, Brian, how are you? I'm good. I'm hiding my boner. Shh. Shh. Am I in my high school boner? Be quiet. Don't tell anybody. It's like the worst nightmare if you got caught with a boner. And because I went to Catholic school, I had to wear these damn pleated pants.
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And the pleated pants, sometimes it gets stuck, right? And then it just looked like...
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No, full-length pants. So sometimes my pants went all the way down to my shoes, but then other times because I had a boner, it was like a sock showing like this. And then I have to, like, throw my book bag in front of it. I can't imagine. Or walk down the hallway like this. Hey, why don't you throw your backpack on your back? No, no, no. I like it better when I'm here.
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Strength training. I'm working out. It won't go down. I don't know what happened. Miss Tiernan started talking, talking, talking. Miss Tiernan started talking about Uncle Barry Finn. She got a little bit of a low cut shirt.
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Well, I think... A thousand bucks, here comes one of Frankie's circular conversations. He's going to say there's... I think... I think, yeah, there's five parts to this. There's actually going to be 12. And six of them are going to be the same thing.
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I don't even know if we got into any steps yet. These are Frankie V's videos are all the same. He starts out with five things, right, which end up being 12 things, of which there's only really two. And then he just talks in circles.
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It's because you're a loser. Welcome to the family. Welcome to the family, you fat fuck.
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Like, subscribe, lose weight, you fat fuck. Let's get that dick right there. Let's get your cock straightened out real quick.
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Let Frankie touch it a little bit. I feel what's going on. Let me give it a little taste test. You know what I mean? A little teener. Let me get a little teener tickle of those testicles. Let me get a little testicle teener, if you don't mind. A little TT. A little TT.
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A little testicle teener. That's right. You know what you need? A shot of straight horse adrenaline. That'll get you dick hard. No, no, son. We're going to have to put this straight in your penis shaft. Don't worry. It hurts a lot more than it looks.
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Okay, without further ado, here we go. I'm going to get right into it.
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Back by popular demand. Back by unpopular demand is probably the better way to say this. Chrissy, I think it was episode number, I'm taking a guess here, but I believe I'll be right when I say episode 61 or 62. I stumbled upon something that would become lure.
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Guys, you know, this is a problem. I do have to say, this is an honest-to-God problem, and we're not making fun of the problem. Like, I don't want anybody to feel, like, embarrassed about this. People have problems. It's a unit that sometimes doesn't work, and it's like you can't, you know, as much as you might try.