Bryan Green
Appearances
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family, and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy, and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments, even when you're on the go. With Ring, you've got the whole home covered.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I saved a fucking squirrel, for God's sakes, a baby squirrel, which carries hepatitis or something like that. I went to great lengths to save that squirrel. I drove in the rain 20 miles in my air-conditioned car to get that squirrel to safety. Now, listen to me. The ASPCA does a great deal of good. And while they have those terrible commercials that everyone hates, there's a good reason why.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
They tug at your heartstrings so they can save animals and make sure that these animals, even when they're left abandoned by shitheads who do not understand the responsibility of having an animal. They try and make sure that they get to good homes and do the best they can to do that in a no-kill way. The ASPCA is today's charity.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Now, some of you have written in and talked about this also, so we are going to give it a little love. If you would like to donate to the ASPCA and help cats, dogs, and other animals find loving homes, and stay out of the kill shelters. And I'm not saying they never get put down because that is just not a reality of life, but help them find a good home.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Give them some cash so that they can do well and make sure that these animals get saved, especially after disasters. This is the one thing that really sucks is that if you're in a disaster and you're choosing... You want to keep your animal with you, but life circumstances, it's either you or your animal. There are tough choices that need to be made.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
The ASPCA can come in and help in those situations. They do do a lot of good. Please help us by donating to them. Link in the show notes. And if you donate to any of our causes, send a screenshot. We will send you some swag with love from Chrissy, Christina, Astrid, and I. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Okay, and we're back. Okay. Tell me the worst Christmas gift you have ever received.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Be honest. You got to let them know. I think a mirror. You got a mirror for Christmas?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And what did you interpret that mirror to mean? What was the symbolism? Like, take a look at yourself before you leave the house or something? Take a look in the mirror?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah, I wonder what's going through his head. Like a nice chair or a nice couch, a love seat. Everybody needs a good end table, right? Don't we all need a good end table? I do. I don't know. And then you pick the mirror. That is kind of a weird choice, but it's certainly a man choice. Like it's a choice from a guy who probably doesn't, you know, I don't know. It doesn't have much, anything else.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Was he the kind of guy who would spend most of the afternoon on Sunday watching football?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Okay, there you go. Just checking. Christina, worst gift you've ever received?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Oh, she gets you like play band-aids.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Well, then there you go. She got her comeuppance. Band-aids have become quite the commodity in this household.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
We have 10 boxes of different charactered Band-Aids. And if one kid gets a boo-boo, and I mean the smallest of boo-boos, one that does not even, I keep on explaining to them, Band-Aids are for blood. Band-Aids are for blood. If there's no blood, there's no need for a Band-Aid. That doesn't fix a bruise. It doesn't fix a bruised ego. It doesn't fix that you're
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
brother kicked you in the ribs it doesn't fix that kind of stuff but it doesn't matter to their little minds because all they care about is having you know hello kitty or whatever it is on their on their body it doesn't last but five seconds because they always rip it off right away and then they play with it and eat it and stick it in their hair and all this shit how many hundreds of boxes of character related band-aids have we gone through in this house because when one kid gets a boo-boo all of them have a boo-boo they're all you know someone who comes to me there you're
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Grain.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
So, Christina, if you, you know, have extra Band-Aids, this is a good house for them. That's right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And so you were known for being the Band-Aid girl.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Okay. All right. So your mom's getting back at you for years of... Just never forgot it. That's right. I would say the worst gift that I have gotten, and I think we may have had this question like back in season number one when we were doing like a fish, that fishbowl thing where we were pulling questions out of there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
This is the Uncle Eddie to my Russ, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen. Best to you, Brian. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Here we are yet again in the studio helping you through the holiday season. I don't know how, but there's in some way, shape, or form, I'm sure we're helping you through the holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think the worst gift, I know the worst gift I have ever gotten was for my former brother-in-law, former brother-in-law. Who was one of my favorite humans on earth. His name was Charles. And he was a gay man. And he was a very fashionable gay man. French aristocrat, high society gay man. Always dressing nice. Always looking nice. Always smelling wonderful.
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And he gave me no shit like a subscription to Hair Club for Men. No.
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As well as some like peroxide shit that you put on your head. The minoxidil. Minoxidil. He got that for me as a gift. And he took, he had no idea how badly this hurt my feelings. No idea. He was like, what? You know, I know you want to look good. So I'm just, you know, I'm helping you. And I'm like, helping me what? Grow back my receding hairline? And he's like, well, it's no secret, Brian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I was like, thanks, Charles. I appreciate it. Worst Christmas gift ever, for sure. And I think probably in a couple of days we'll get her on the phone. But my mom is certainly the – she's an equal opportunity destroyer of hopes and dreams around Christmas gifts because my mother has got to be the worst gift giver consistently. Really? On a consistent basis. Yes. Let me give you an example.
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I am 25, 26 years old. Remember, I have a twin brother. I'm 25, 26 years old. So that would have been sometime in the 2000s, right? Sometime in the 2000s, long after 1982 has gone. But my mom was still pandering under the delusion that I was like a four-year-old boy because when I opened up her gift, her big gift,
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To me was a full head to toe jean outfit, jean jacket, jean shirt, pair of jeans, you know, white socks, white crew socks. And she was like, you can pinch roll them like they were acid washing. She's like, you can pinch roll them. And I'm like, pinch roll them. Mom, no one pinch rolls anymore. What are you talking about? That jean jacket, Chrissy, was the ugliest thing.
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thing I had ever seen in my entire life. But what was made worse was when Kevin opened up his gift to realize that he got the exact same outfit.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yes. So Kevin and I had matching jean outfits. Sweet. Now, we humor... we use it a lot to defuse emotional situations in my family. And Kevin and I were running a little hot that my mom had decided to get us jeans. So we kept a lot, you know, we made a big joke out about it. You know, jean jackets, mom, don't get jean jackets. You don't get jean jackets. That's not what happens.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
The very next year, My mom decided to go to Kohl's and get Kevin and I flannel jackets, flannel jackets, like the kind you wear to chop wood. Do you know what I'm saying? Not the stylish kind, but the kind you use to chop wood. With thick corduroy pants. So now we look like true woodsmen. And it wasn't just me who got it. It was Kevin who got it. So year number two, my mom fails.
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Just let us think that we're helping. Yeah.
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Well, I mean, if people donate to our causes, then we're definitely helping. That's for sure. How else are we helping? I don't know. We're just putting more downloads into the universe for people to absorb. There you go. Thanks for joining us. Chrissy, do you know the origins of the 12 days?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Year number three, I think we each got a carton of cigarettes with a brand new ashtray. Because your mom's helping you die. Well, you used that. I got a six-pack of Bud Light one year. I think that's what I got from my mom. And then eventually my mom wised up that she was trying to pick us fashion choices. Listen, when you're a mother, you'll always be a mother.
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When you're a father, you'll always be a father. You're always going to want to dress your babies. I'm sure that that's true. I'll know that when I'm 72 and my kids are nine. I'll realize that. But what my mom wised up to was, why don't I just give the boys gift certificates so that they can go and do their own thing?
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Great call, unless mom gets us gift certificates to like, you know, what was the store? Woolworth? Do you remember that store? Woolworth?
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Woolworth. They don't even exist anymore.
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Yes, there was like one in the greater Chicagoland area. And I don't know how she got these gifts. I think she asked my grandma to send them to us. Woolworth, where am I going to get? And then one time it was the Burlington Coat Factory. The Burlington Coat Factory, mom?
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Is that where all the kids are getting cool clothing?
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Is the Burlington Coat Factory? Yeah.
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Of course, my mom was always known to make like super special. Listen, Christmas was such a special time when we were very young children. Then our parents divorced like a lot of parents do divorce for a lot of different reasons. And when they divorced, my mom went to live in an apartment and my dad stayed in the house. And, you know, so my dad did his best to make the Christmases special.
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And my mom did her best to make the Christmases special. Yeah. But I think when they weren't together teaming up to make the Christmases special, it just something got lost. So my mom would like decorate her apartment. She had this fake tree that would bend at an angle, you know, and like tinsel and stuff like that. So it lost its luster just a little bit.
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And I'll tell you when I think it really kind of like it hit me that it's lost its luster was one year. I think this is the same year that we got the cigarettes in the ashtray. Yeah. we come in, it's Christmas Eve, and my mom has got the oven on, and it smells good in the house.
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That was different, yes, because my mom, it never smelled good when my mom was cooking, God bless her soul. But it smelled good, and so I was like, I wonder what we're having. It smells, doesn't smell like traditional Christmas food. And my mom said, it's
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
By the way, we just figured out that the 12 days of TCV is actually 13 days of TCV, since we don't know how to count on a calendar. So you're getting an extra episode. We'll actually be doing 13 days.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
We all sit down for dinner, and my mom pulls out trays from the oven that had been warm, two of them separately. And she puts them on the table, and they have these tins with the cardboard top. And both the cardboard tops say Pizza Hut Pasta.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
My mom got Pizza Hut pasta bowls for Christmas, and I'm telling you what, it was all it was cracked up to be. It was fucking terrible. It was. Pizza Hut cooking pasta bowls. I mean, you would think, how hard is pasta to fuck up?
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If you're making the pizza, you can make the pasta?
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But I didn't see any pots of boiling water over at Pizza Hut when I went there. I mean, I don't think those were coming in the door fresh. It was terrible. And it was just like that. To me, it was a bit of a sad moment. Funny, but a bit of a sad moment.
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Because I was like, my mom's trying so hard to make Christmas is special and she just can't win for losing. I mean, it's like absolutely has destroyed any notion that Christmas is special by freaking.
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And I go, mom, and she goes and she goes, you don't like it. And I'm like, it's Pizza Hut for Christmas. And I go, I know, like, you know, OK, I appreciate the effort, mom. But how did you even think of this idea? And she's like, well, I can't. I called him and I asked him if they were open on Christmas Eve and they said yes. And I thought, great, let's do pasta from pizza. I saw a commercial.
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halfway through the 12 days of christmas we realize that it's 13 days of tcb do you know the origins of the song 12 days of christmas uh no i don't think that i do i don't think i do either let's learn together let's get learned the best known english version was printed in the mirth without mischief a children's book published in london in the 1780s
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Listen, they do make it look great on the commercials because that's what the people who make the commercials are paid to do. Exactly. They're not getting their pasta from Pizza Hut. They have professional chefs that do that shit. There is no pasta chef at Pizza Hut, I can guarantee.
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Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive, And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer. So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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But now Domino's does. I think it just makes its way around the pizza universe.
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That's right. I think there's a company who makes pasta bowls for pizza places and they win the big contract and realize that it's a loser and then they move on to the next big pizza brand. It's like, you know, one moment Pizza Hut has it, the next minute Domino's has it. Little Caesars is next. Little Caesars pizza bowls. That's why I can appreciate a Little Caesars.
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Listen, if I'm going to have pizza The holidays, which is not the worst idea in the world. No, it's really not. We've already determined that Brian is not a big fan of the traditional clucking and chucking dinner with ham and turkey that gives you salmonella. I'm okay doing a taco Christmas. I'm okay doing a pizza Christmas.
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One year we did our own pizzas and we cooked them in a pizza oven at my dad's house. That was fantastic. I'm OK with that. But let's not go to Pizza Hut for Christmas Eve. If I'm going to have a pizza on Christmas Eve, I'm going to have a pizza from one of the like the boutique pizza places around here.
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No, there was like, you know. Everybody in every city around the world has Antonio's Pizza, Tony Romo's Pizza, Bob's Pizza. You know those pizza places that have been in your neighborhood for years, but you don't know anybody who's ever gone there? But on Friday nights, there's a lot of cars out front? Everybody has one of those pizza places and has forever and ever.
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But it isn't until very recently, and I think Atlanta might have been one of the places that started this trend, to have these very... boutique pizza places that have, you know, wood-fired ovens I had flown in in a helicopter from Italy for $700,000. Yeah, from Sicily. That is not old. We just flew it in from Sicily.
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And those are the kind of places where if you're going to get pizza for Christmas Eve, let's do a pizza from that kind of place. Now, I do have to say... Pizza Hut, when I was a kid, was the better of all the options, in my opinion. That was my personal opinion. Like, I would rather do Pizza Hut than do the other guys.
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But in the worst part about that particular dinner, that particular feast, was not that my mom had decided to get... Pizza Hut. It's that there was no pizza from Pizza Hut that could have come along with it.
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But here's the good news. We got lots of cigarettes to smoke. So at the end of the day, beer to drink. So at the end of the day, it wasn't that drunk.
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Well, here's my belief generally in life. Most people are doing the best they can with the information they have at the time that is given to them. I just think that's true of most human beings. We're just doing the best we can with the information we have in the moment that we have it. And that's it. And there's no knock on my mom.
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My mom was a single mother and yes, a single mother of mainly adult children, but that's still a feat. Like you still have to, she held down a job. She, I mean, my mom is a rock star in a lot of ways. Look, she made me, and I'm doing 12 days of TCB, which actually is 13 days of TCB. Okay, maybe we weren't all that great at math, but I'm telling you what.
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Pizza Hut or no Pizza Hut, my mom was trying. And for that, I give her credit. And now with the grandkids, she just loves to get them toys. And with the grandkids, she's doing so much. I've noticed that my parents are doing so much better with the grandkids than they ever did with me. I guess that's how therapists stay in business, huh? Yeah.
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Oh, yes, for sure. All right, let's do this. We're going to take a break in just one second, but I wanted to remind you, the ASPCA, doing good for animals all around the United States and beyond. So do us a favor. There's a link in the show note. If you would, go donate to the ASPCA. And if you do and you want some schwag, you can go ahead and take a screenshot of your donation there.
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something about the northern castle of Newcastle and the tine and the partridge and the pear tree and all that other stuff. But here's the more important question. Can you name the 12 days of Christmas?
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And we will send you some swag, some TCB swag. And please understand, we do not get in the middle of this. We're just putting the link on the website. It goes directly to their website. We are incentivized in no way. We haven't even communicated. We haven't even communicated with these people.
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We just like these charities. And we hope you'll do some good over the holiday season. Okay, we'll take a break. We'll be back.
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I know, but we have pizza so much around this house because the kids, you know, they're kids. They love pizza. And so we have pizza at least once every 10 days. There's pizza of some brand or variety, whether that be frozen pizza or we go out for pizza. So I do want pizza, but then part of me is like, I already have a lot of pizza in my diet.
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I'm not sure my cardiologist is going to appreciate that. Here's the reason why I ask you about the worst Christmas gift ever, because they've put out the traditional annual list of worst gifts for 2024 to get.
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This is not from town and country. This is from Whale House.
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Oh, Whale House. Good old Whale House.
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That was good. You saw that one right on the corner. You were like, I like that one. All right. Ready? Yes. I think this is the worst. Yeah, the 17 worst Christmas gifts as per whalehouse.ca. Here we go. Yeah. Don't ask me. I just found it. I thought it was interesting. I was reading through it. Okay. Number one, a coffee cup. I can agree with this wholeheartedly.
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Listen, I drink tea every night. I drink tea. It's easy on my throat, my belly. I like it. There's no caffeine. It calms me down because I need calming down a lot. And through the years, people have gotten me coffee. Coffee cups, tea cups, right? Of course. Throughout the years. It's wonderful. But now I have a hundred of them. I don't need another one. I honestly don't.
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Let's be real. Has anybody ever really said, I want a coffee cup for Christmas? I mean, unless it's a fancy one. Now, one of my family members this year for Christmas wants one of those fancy ones that heat themselves up. Oh, yeah. You put them on the little thing and they heat themselves up and stay hot for days.
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Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, get me one of those other ones. What are those? Those ones everyone's killing each other for that have a bunch of lead in them. Stanley's. Yeah. I guess we're over the Stanley's now. Are we over the Stanley's now that there's lead in them? Okay. Just checking. Number two. Walmart gift card. Mom. Walmart gift card.
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Actually, I don't think this is the worst gift ever.
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Those pants. I was wearing those yesterday. Those pants are the best fucking cozy house pants I've ever had.
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From Walmart. Not from Lululemon, which also makes a great, of course they do, they're $600 a piece, but also makes a great, you know, sweat pant, whatever you want to call it, lounge pant, whatever you want to call it.
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jogger jogger i'm telling you what those random ass pants i found in a walmart and bum shit south carolina were some of the best pants and i had to work for those because they didn't have many in my size i remember the story yes all right number three socks And this is something that was always in my stocking, always, always, always, was socks.
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Now, if you would have asked me 10 years ago, I would have said, please stop giving me fucking socks. If you ask me now, please give me more socks. I am in love with a cozy pair of socks.
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Ones that do not get holes in them. I'm wearing socks from a company called Clover, which is why they have the Clover on the bottom of them. Yeah, I like that. And they are incredible and they don't ruin. You know, I've bought them from like sock companies that are supposed to be reputable. And then three months later, they have holes in the bottom. And I don't wear socks like I'm not wearing.
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Yeah. Personal hygiene products comes in at number four. Yeah, I guess, you know, I don't need tampons this Christmas. Yeah. That's what you're saying.
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Okay, I think there's a difference between getting like bath bombs and, you know, scented stuff you can like... It's thought out like, you know, here, like one time I got Astrid, we had a, one of those standalone tubs and I got her a thing, like one of those, a tray and some bath bombs and some other stuff that went on there. And I said, Hey, you could go ahead and take your bath.
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Now, little did I know that Astrid hasn't taken a bath in her entire life. Like she doesn't take baths.
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Yeah, no, she doesn't. I think she took like three baths and we had that stand and that standalone tub was beautiful.
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Oh, but she was, she's just not a bath person. Some people aren't, but I thought I tried.
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But after six years of knowing her, I probably should have guessed having never seen her take a bath before.
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A picture frame comes in at number five. Now, yes, an empty picture frame. Yes, totally worthless. Don't get someone an empty picture frame. That's a highly subjective thing to put in someone's house, right?
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On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three French hens, two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
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I can roll with that. I guess it's the context also. I'll tell you what we got my mom for Christmas last year. Kevin got it for her, and we've been adding to it. It's one of those digital frames.
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Where you hook it up to the internet. It's got an address, and then you send pictures to it. Yeah. So even though my mom is not mobile, so we can't get her out of the house a lot.
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When we have an event here at the house or we're over at the gym and there's a recital or whatever it is, we can take pictures and then we send it to her so we can say, hey, mom, look on your frame. We've got some new photos. I love it. So I think that was a good present. But an empty frame? Yeah, I don't want that. Ugly Christmas sweater. The very out... I think it's overdone.
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The ugly Christmas sweater thing is overdone. And I don't own ugly Christmas sweaters because anytime I have gotten them as a gift, I just don't wear them.
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Yeah, that's it. Or that same year. Yes. Or I re-gift them.
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Guilty of re-gifting or not re-gifting?
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On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
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Yes. I agree. I've gotten like golf balls that then I re-gift to my brothers or something like that. Well, I guess I'm telling him now. Sorry, guys. I got the golf balls from someone else. I gave them to you. I've regifted a few things, but I do it with intention and love. It's like, oh, I know you would like this much better than I would.
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So I'm going to pretend as if I got this for you, even though someone else got it for me.
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Very specific. But anything from the dollars. Can we talk about the dollar store? You can't give a gift from anything from the dollar store. Can we talk about the neighborhood ruining dollar stores for a second? I mean, these places are absolutely terrible. And despite being a dollar, it saves you no money. They are simply, think about all the extra packaging.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Think about all the extra things that have to be done to break stuff down into smaller sizes to charge you more money for less product. Think about this. You go to Walmart or Costco, you buy a giant jug of detergent, right? It costs you $25 or whatever. Then you go to the dollar store and it's like $1.99 for the tiniest little thing of detergent or a couple packets of detergent.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. What is it?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It is so much more expensive. Per item, like per gallon, per fluid ounce, per M&M, whatever it is, to buy that stuff at the dollar store than it is at Walmart. Now, if you only have two bucks on you, I can understand. But they don't pay those people a living wage.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
You know what makes me feel good about society right now? They're closing dollar stores by the minute right now, like the Dollar Generals and the dollar stores, because they just are terrible. Stop the dollar stores. Don't get me anything from the dollar store. Don't want. Thank you anyway. But a candle from the dollar store?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It's disappointing. It smells terrible. They're bad for you. They don't burn correctly. Like all the chemicals they put in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A keychain comes in at number eight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Please don't get me a fucking keychain. Let me get my own keychains. I don't want your keychain. I want my keychain. And I don't wear a keychain. Who wears keychains anymore? Who does this? What's a keychain for? When you're seven and you have a backpack, a keychain makes sense because you collect them on your backpack, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It's some little indication of your individuality when you're a young person. But when you get over the age of 15, do we need keychains anymore? Really? I don't think people have keys anymore. I turn my car on with my phone. Fuck you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Five diamond rings. I knew there were rings in there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I'm rich. That Hyundai sitting outside doesn't turn itself on. I press a button, ladies. Number nine, and I couldn't agree with this more. Please never do this. We're just talking about this on today's show. A pet for Christmas. Do never get anybody a pet for Christmas unless you have talked about it with them specifically. Because Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries... None of it. Don't do it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
You do not get someone a pet when they do not expect you to get them a pet. That is a terrible fucking idea. They will feel obligated to keep that animal. They probably didn't want in the first place. You want to know why? They didn't have a pet in the first place. If you want a pet, you go get a pet. You don't do that's not something someone does for you. You do it yourself.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the sixth day of Christmas, which would be today on the TCB, there's no 13 days. We're going to make up the 13th day. On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me... Six flying nuns.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Unless it would be like a pet for the family, you know, a family house where you and your husband or your wife or your whatever have spoken about it at length. You've you're going to surprise the kids with a dog. You know, they're not going to take care of it. So it's your fucking responsibility. OK, got it. Yes, 10-4. 10, a t-shirt. A brand new t-shirt. No. No, don't get a t-shirt for Christmas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Unless it's like a really good t-shirt. Yeah, unless it's a really funny t-shirt.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
A good quality one. But don't try and get someone a t-shirt that you think is fashionable.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
No. That's a bad idea. Then you're my mom all the time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Number 11. Weight loss programs. No. Weight loss programs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think I could, you know... Listen, my hair is going regardless, right? A weight loss program might indicate that someone else feels you're lazy. You can't take care of your own self.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That's a terrible gift. That's like getting someone rehab for Christmas. You're an asshole. Go to rehab. Which one time I was in rehab for Christmas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Do you remember the time I told you that I was homeless? Like I was living under somebody's porch because my dad kicked me out because I kept bringing strippers home. And so I lived under the porch of the stripper's mom's house while she was cheating on me. Because really, honestly, who's dating the guy under my porch? Yeah. It's pretty much a lose-lose situation.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
So the next step for me, even though at the time I was certainly drinking and drugging, it wasn't like I was a full-blood, you know, I wasn't like had to snort cocaine 24 hours a day or was drinking myself into oblivion every single afternoon. I just was casually doing drugs most of the time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
But my big out was I had a guy that met me at a coffee house, like an old high school friend met me at a Waffle House, I think it was. And was like, hey, dude, I heard you're having a bit of a problem. And I was like, yeah. And he's like, I'd like to call some of my friends and have them meet us here. And they can help you, I think. And I was like, oh, okay, great.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
The people who showed up were people from a rehab program, quote unquote, where they asked me if I was in danger. Did I owe any drug dealers money? Oh, wow. How much alcohol did I drink? I got all of a sudden got roped into like a little cult and they sent me to a halfway house in on Buford Highway, Atlanta. What? Not even kidding. Twelve guys living in a three bedroom apartment.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Four of us per room. We all had to pay rent by going and working day labor jobs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I was there during Christmas. There was no TVs allowed. You could have a CD Walkman. If you had one of those, you could have a CD Walkman or a radio. No televisions allowed. None of that shit. So on Christmas Eve, they rolled in a TV and they played It's a Wonderful Life to basically 16 hardened criminals and Brian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It was the most disturbing Christmas Eve of my life, Chrissy, of my life. Yes. And so rehab for Christmas, not a bad thing. Exercise bike falls right behind weight loss management. Calendars or office supplies. Agree with this 100%. You don't need to get that for somebody. Let them do that on their own. That's a highly personal thing. My wife loves calendars. Loves calendars. Loves them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Six geese a-laying. By the way, what? Six geese a-laying? Only in Old English.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
But you know what? She doesn't want anybody else picking that out for her.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Number 14 is a paperweight. Well, I didn't even know those existed anymore. Do we even use paper anymore? I mean, who's getting a paperweight? Do you have a paperweight? You looked at me like you might have a paperweight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That you use as a paperweight. But a paperweight is like a rock. You know what I'm saying? Like a rock with a place for envelopes that no one gets anymore. I don't know. Cash is number 15.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Hey, listen. I'm saying this moves up to the best gift you could possibly give. This summer and this spring and this fall and this Christmas for the commercial break is cash.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
uh we should start a patreon just so people can tip us you know what i'm saying yeah uh number 16 is self-help books agree with that 100 don't get personal yeah you make people feel like they're being an asshole you know what i'm saying if you give them a self-help book like like how not to be an asshole yeah like maturity 101 yeah relationships for children The five love languages for assholes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Is geese a-laying, geese a-laying an egg?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah, that kind of stuff. And number 17, coming in at the worst gift to give someone. I just forgot it. Cleaning tools. Don't get someone a vacuum for Christmas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
There are some Dysons out there that I would die for.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah. Six geese and a laying. Oh, six geese and a laying. There you go. Six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me. I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Listen, the Dysons are like, that's a different story, though. A Dyson is like getting an iPad.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
We have a Dyson, and that thing has like a screen on it that tells you how much shit it's picking up at any given time, and is it max, eco, maximum.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Yeah, Dyson really changed the game. They made it sexy to have a vacuum. They did. Yes. Dyson is the apple of vacuums. That is for sure. It's its own ecosystem. You need their chargers. You need whatever. Anyway, I like a good Dyson.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
But don't get me Clorox or, you know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
No, cleaning supplies. Merry Christmas.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
All right. TCB podcast.com. That's where you go. More information about the show, all the audio, all the video right there from one location. You can also get your free TCB sticker, or if you need a replacement for your 21 EPM sticker, that's biodegrading right in front of your eyes. Let us know. Go to the Contact Us button, drop-down menu. I want my free sticker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Give us your physical address, and we'll send you that sticker. No muss, no fuss. Also, if you donate to one of the charities we've been talking about in the 12 days of TCB, the National Breast Cancer Coalition, St. Jude's Hospital, and the ASPCA, take a screenshot. Let us know, and we'll send you some free schwag. I'll send you some of that deep schwag. Some of that B-side swag.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Menfo stickers picked up off the ground from Menfo. Touched by Brian's hands. Don't you want that? That's going to be worth money. My fingerprints are on that bitch. Picked up off the ground. Picked up off the ground and mailed back to us by Jeff's partners. I'm not paying to throw these in the dumpster. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas, we will take them all. Also, that's where you can send the aforementioned pictures. You can also leave a voicemail there. Add The Commercial Break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today. I think so. I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we will say, we must say, and we do say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video doorbells, cams, and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. What murderous motherfucker decided to write this goddamn torturous song? And now why am I singing it? Because I really don't know the lyrics, and I'm so interested to hear them. On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight rocks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think this is some pervert that made this up. Listen to this one. We all know what that is. I mean, if you haven't tried a French hen in bed, then you don't even know. I've been French Hen and Astrid for years. That's how this gringo got Astrid. She was like, what is that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I was like, that is the French Hen.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I hide on you like a little squatting bird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I twaddle my wings as I bounce on top of you. I give myself a blowjob.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It's a French horn. A French hen. Okay, so that's it. So we've got eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Oh, this guy's definitely a pervert. Listen to this one. On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Nine strippers dancing, nine ladies dancing, nine ladies dancing. This is a porno song. Nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, six swans a-swimming, six geese getting laid, four golden rings, four calling birds, three French horns, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree. Now, here we round the corner, and for sure, without any doubt, this is perverted.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
On the eleventh day of Christmas, on the tenth day of Christmas, oh, my true love gave to me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Well, I didn't know the 1780s were quite so liberal, but here we go. Ten lords a-leaping. Oh, yep. Lords a-leaping. Oh, if you try a French horn with a lord leaping, if you're a leaping lord that tries a French horn... You're a bottom and you know all about it. All right. Ten lords a-leaping. Nine ladies dancing. Eight maids a-milking. Seven swans a-swimming. Six geese a-laying.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Five golden rings. Four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And a partridge in a pear tree. But on the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me more porno things.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Eleven pipers piping. Laying pipe? Eleven pipers laying pipe. Eleven pipers piping. Ten lords a-leaping. Nine ladies dancing. Eight maids a-milking. Seven swans a-swimming. Six geese a-laying. Five golden rings. Four calling birds. Three French hens. Two turtle doves.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And a partridge in a pear tree. All right, well, I guess they have to end. They can't end it in porn, so they go back to something more Christmassy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve drummers drumming, eleven pipers piping, ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five golden rings, four golden birds, three French hens, two turtles, a hen, a partridge, and a pear tree. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I think that's the first time I've ever sung that song. Ever. Ever. That's the first time I've ever known what's in it. And now I'm realizing half of it is porn.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That's what it is. What's the 13th? Well, okay.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And the 13th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a break from TCB. That's the gift that keeps on coming. 12 drummers drumming, 11 people laying pipe, 10 lords leaping over each other laughing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
nine naked ladies all right okay that's it there's the 12 days of christmas i'm glad you reminded me i remember learning it when i was small but i can't i did not remember everything yeah i remember doing the christmas like recital you know and i i remember little drummer boy became a favorite song of mine because i learned how to play it on the on the what do they call that the The drum?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
No, the accordion. But it's not an accordion. It's like a... Keyboard? Is it a harpoon or a harpen or... Oh, a recorder. A recorder.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Where you press the button and you strum and then it... No, the recorder was the little flute thing. No, okay, that's a different thing. It's a little like... A harpsichord? Maybe it's a harpsichord, but you would just press the button and it would make a key. But it had the names of the keys on it, so it was made for little children to play. It wasn't like some complicated thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
It was like you press this button or that button, and then you strum it, and it made a certain noise. And so we learned how to play Little Drummer Boy, which really has one note in it the entire time. I mean, it's not that hard to play. But Little Drummer Boy, what's the best Christmas song, traditional Christmas song?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
I don't know if that's a traditional Christmas. Think of like a Judeo-Christian Christmas song.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
That's a good one. Good King's a good one. I like that one. I think Little Drummer Boy is my favorite. But then, of course, there's is Ave Maria. Would that be considered a Christmas song? Maybe?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Her name's Ave Maria? Her name is Ave Maria. Really? So you call her Ave or you call her Maria?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
You call her Ave. Wow. That's really intense.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Cuban professional baseball player. Guess I'm not talking about the same one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Hold on. Okay. Give me one second. Christmas song list.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Okay. Let me give you a list of songs. You tell me which one you like the best. You tell me which ones you're partial to. You ready? Sure. Okay. Here we go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole. Feliz Navidad, Jose Feliciano, which is a favorite around my household.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Take it from America's most revered messenger. Shorten your cold at the first sign with cold-shortening products from Zycam, the number one cold-shortening brand. Available in stores or see where to buy at Zycam.com. Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Do you hear what I hear? Bing Crosby, which is a great one. Jingle Bells by Frank Sinatra. Although I don't really think of Frank as like a Christmas kind of guy. I think more of him is like breaking my legs in a dark alley kind of guy. But okay, here comes Santa Claus by Gene Autry. But Santa Claus is Coming to Town by Bruce Springsteen, in my opinion, is...
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town. Santa Claus is coming to town.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
If we're really at a Bruce Springsteen show, that goes on for three hours.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Sing it again. Clarence, another saxophone. Santa Claus is coming to town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Santa Claus is coming to town. New Jersey. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt. That's a real classic. Do they know it's Christmas?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Wham! Well, I mean, there's the other one by Wham, too. Last Christmas. Last Christmas, which one of my kids is incessantly singing. I love that song. And so the other day he was incessantly singing it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And you have to, if you know me, then you know that if you know me, and that means listen to more than three seconds of the commercial break, then you know I'm a bit of an oddball, a little bit of a goofball. And when I sing songs or I hear them repeatedly, I start making up my own lyrics. Usually those turn into comedy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And usually poop or pee is the first thing I go to because I'm a three-year-old in my mind. So one of my kids goes to the bathroom. He uses the restroom. He comes out of the restroom, and I go, oh, number one or number two? And he's like, oh, it's number two. I go, oh, okay. So he starts singing Last Christmas. I go, last Christmas I made a big poo, but the very next day you flushed it away.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
This year when it comes out my rear, I'll give it to someone special.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Well, it's the best thing that has happened ever. Like, Dad made up the best song ever, and now he's singing it. Can we make a video? Of course we can. And this is all happening around bath time, right? I have very young children, so I need to help them with bath time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Really do all of it. And it's fun, and we're having fun. This is going on for like 30 minutes. I am embedding this song into his head, into a kid who remembers everything. He's an elephant. He remembers everything. So he runs down to go have dinner. Dinner's on the table. And I'm getting changed, whatever. And all of a sudden I hear, Brian Green! And I'm like, uh-oh.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
She found my Instagram search page. I'm like, uh-oh. And I'm like, what?
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And she's like, you cannot be telling these kids these songs. They're going to go to school, and then they're going to get in trouble. Everyone's going to get in trouble.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. He's just fun. So I'm like, listen, kid. this song is for this house and this house only you cannot repeat this so let's just get it out of our head let's sing the regular version which is also a little weird too but okay wham like we're gonna sing wham okay the wham version he says okay so last night as we're going to bed
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
One of my daughters started singing the exact same song to Astrid, and Astrid's like, I told you. They're all going to get kicked out of school.
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12 Days Of TCB: Christmas Trauma (And Birds)
And I'm like, ah, a little pee and a little poo. It's never hurt anybody. I mean, listen, my son will be the hero of his very young age classroom if he sings that song and he does it well. Do you know what I'm saying? I do. For sure. All right. Despite all that we bitch about blue here around the green household, we really are animal lovers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Because I know that these things can be, you know, you can feel pain in your back when you have testicular cancer or vice versa. So I go to the doctor. I call the doctor's office. I want to get in there immediately. The doctor is not available. The doctor is booked up. But they say, there's a physician's assistant, and she would be happy to see you. Well, okay, she, all right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So I'm thinking, you know, grandma's going to come in, talk to me about this, and we're all going to go, you know, we're all going to leave happy, or I'm going to get a follow-up.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
what appears this is like when i was like 35 years old what appears from behind the door you know they knock on the door mr green you know open the door hi i'm physician assistant you know l mcpherson i mean the woman dualipa i'm physician history of this happening because when you got your colonic when i got my colonic also a beautiful it was the most one of the most beautiful women i've ever seen in my entire life was sticking a tube up my ass to flush out the
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
The seven-layer burrito from Taco Bell. What are you eating? I don't know. What are you doing next Friday? So, you come here often? I don't know. That was my hairy asshole looking. What emerged from behind the door was just a lovely lady. I mean, she was just beautiful, in my opinion. And then I was like, oh, here we go. And so now I have to tell her the problem, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And best to you out there in the podcast universe, continuing our adventure into 20 straight days of the commercial break. For purely commercial reasons. So thank you for joining us. We really appreciate it. A lot of great feedback from the audience. So far, so good, apparently. Some people decorating while they're listening to the 12 Days of TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I know she's a medical professional, so I was explaining to her. But what I didn't expect was what came next, which was not me. It was... hey, why don't we take a look? Let me do an examination and I'll make sure there's nothing there to be concerned about. I'll have to call someone in to do that, as is medically appropriate.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And then who came in was one of the nurses, a nice young gentleman that I had known for many years going to this doctor's office. I think he thought that I was cute. That was my assumption. But they took great joy in making me uncomfortable that day by spending a little extra time jingling my balls. There was no bell ringing, but the jingling of the balls.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And luckily, there was nothing to be concerned about. It ended up that my back pain was referring that testicular pain. And when they took care of the back pain, the testicular pain went away. But this is all very important to talk about with your husbands and your boyfriends.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Especially around Christmas. You know, it's a time when we all get together and we love each other. I hope you're sitting by the fire right now with your kids.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
trimming the tree when we were prepping you for the 12 days of tcb we said gather around the yule log and listen to brian talk about his balls it happened it actually happened it was it was we were foreshadowing the entire time yeah we didn't even plan that either oh my god that was just that was just lovely wasn't it isn't everyone having a good time on the 12 days of tcb now that you've thrown up your lunch you could go back to work or that burrito
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, that's right. It's time for a break. Okay, good. All right. We have got some great stuff for you today on the 12 Days of TCB, reviewing all of the wonderful things we've done in 2024. All of your favorites, our favorites. Teresa Caputo makes the list of any season, and she's back, and I've got her in more hilarious hijinks from Teresa Caputo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But before we go, I want to remind you that we're focusing right now on some charities. Those charities, that charity that we're focusing on right now is the ASPCA. The ASPCA does God's work with animals. And when they're left or abandoned or they're sick or they're just given up because someone can't take care of them, the ASPCA does their best to care for those animals.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
They also do, you know, investigations into animal crimes and stuff like that. So I like the ASPCA. I love the ASPCA. A couple of our listeners wrote in when we were asking them and they said the ASPCA was important to them. There's a link in the show notes. Please go and donate. If you do donate and you want to send a screenshot to us, we'll be happy to send you some TCB swag.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
We have nothing to do with the money exchange. Just go there, click the link. It'll take you directly to where you can donate. National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund and St. Jude, we're also focusing on. We'll throw a fourth one in there. Before it's all said and done, we'll throw a fourth one in there. So donate to one of those causes this Christmas and make some folks happy. Let's take a break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Some people getting away from the political pods they were listening to. Then November happened and we all got depressed and stopped listening to anything political. Yes. And some other people just enjoying the fact that they have a new episode of TCB every fucking day of the week. Ha ha ha! It was kind of weird to look in my Spotify and see an episode pop up on like a Sunday.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Okay, Christina in studio with us today. Merry Christmas, Christina.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes. Speaking of ASPCA. Oh, Myrtle. It's very sweet. Myrtle's very sweet. I now have Myrtle and Ruby, my two little ladies. Why Myrtle? Because of the street? Myrtle?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Speaking of dreams, one of the people that we love discussing over any season of the commercial break is Teresa Caputo. The absolute shit show that is Teresa Caputo and her, I guess, con artisting. I don't know any other way to put it. Teresa, you know her. You love her. It's a carnival trick. It's a parlor trick.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And especially what they call the cold readings, the live readings, where she will go into a group of people and then she will start to whittle those people down based on extraordinarily broad questions until someone connects with her on something, likely because they are willing and they believe in this type of stuff anyway. They want to believe. They want to believe.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And of course they want to believe. When you lose somebody or someone's close to you or they think you're on the other side, you would do anything to talk to them one more time, to have them around one more time, to think that they're with you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And if someone can put a voice to that, And a moment of desperation or vulnerability, then open the pocketbook because here Teresa comes. Now, Teresa has not done a ton of cold readings live on television. And I can understand why, because there's a big opportunity for failure here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes, that's right. So the deeper we get into the Teresa Caputo catalog, the harder it gets to find the cold readings. And let me explain why I like to do the cold readings more than the show. Because first of all, her team will copyright us immediately, even though we're not infringing upon our copyrights.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But second of all, because the cold readings are such a huge opportunity for failure that she does so few of them. Yeah. But one of the places she seems to show up quite a bit is this local television station, ABC 7 in Chicago. For some reason, she's done like four or five of these cold readings there in Chicago on the station. Maybe it's because she has a hard time selling tickets there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
No, Friday was our first episode. Yeah. No, no, no. Kristen Joy Holey.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Maybe it's because she sells a lot of tickets there. And that's what she likes to go on. Because I'm sure that just like the comedians... It's a promotion for the show. Yeah, she primes the local audience for this. She does have that weird television show where it's like a mix of slapstick comedy with people on the other side. The new show you mean?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I know she's driving around in an RV with her assistant, stopping for a hot dog and then choking because someone's choking her and that's her sign for a dick down the throat. I don't know. I'm not sure. You know, and hey, listen, let us be clear about this for anybody, because I know that we have listeners out there who actually like Teresa Caputo. It's okay to have differences. Totally cool.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, certainly the first Sunday we've ever published. On purpose. The first Sunday we've ever published. Yes, that's correct. I think way, way, way, way, way early on, I believe we were publishing on Mondays at first.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, I just don't think it manifests itself in this wig. That's not what I'm saying. In this high-headed, you know, high-haired, loud mouth of a woman who is clearly taking advantage of people in their moment of desperation. Yeah. So I want to do this. I found her on ABC7. You want to take a listen? Let's do it. Let's do it. Teresa Caputo on the 12 Days of TCB. Here we go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I never know when I'm going to fail and it's going to happen often. Notice, look at her point. She's scratching behind her ear. Chrissy and I have always suspected that that hair is not only terrible. Yeah, earpiece. It's hiding an earpiece so that she can talk to her production staff that is digging up dirt on the unsuspecting audience.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes, Christina. Crisscross applesauce. There I was in the middle of Kroger. Crisscross applesauce. And a lady pulled up to me with her little wagon, and she had ham in there. And I said, ham is the sign for a dead husband. So I said, do you have a dead husband? And she said, no. But I know she did.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's right. Some people do know. Have you ever heard of a dead husband? Have you ever read a book with a dead husband? Some people just don't want to believe it. That's okay. That's okay, Chrissy. Ha!
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It could be every person that has ever died. I mean, unless you know you're going, unless it's clear that that's, and you get an opportunity to say your goodbyes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And I think I accidentally released episodes on Sundays because I didn't know how to work it. I also accidentally released episodes unedited or poorly edited or... With all the bits and parts we should have edited out in. And so I've corrected all that. It just took me a couple years to get there. So anyway, thank you for all the kind words. We really appreciate it. 212-433-3TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Sure, absolutely. But let's assume that most of us are going to wake up tomorrow and have no idea that it's coming. That's just the nature of life. If you don't have any idea it's coming, how are you going to say goodbye to the people that you love? This is such a broad start. And I noticed, okay, just for those of you who are listening to this,
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She is sitting behind a table with two other Yakimos. And then she walked, all of a sudden she just gets up from the table and starts walking. She's feeling it, Chrissy. Now there are people, she's getting piggy fronted.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, they are numb and she's choking on her throat. She's getting piggy fronted.
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Does anybody have a head? Have you ever seen a head? Have you seen a brain? Did you Google brain? Has anyone's husband departed in an audience of 100 people? Has anybody's husband departed? And it happens to be the lady right in front of her. That's amazing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I'm playing a little Pictionary in my head. Have you ever played the match game where you turn over the cards and you try and match the two? I'm matching the legs. Did he have a blue suit, a black suit? Did he ever wear pants? Has your husband had legs? Did your husband have legs?
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Nothing says disabled of the legs like jumping up and down.
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Oh, hey, listen, in the afterlife, anything's possible, Chrissy.
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She said, did he die of a disease that took him a long time? He goes, no, it was sudden.
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Well, when you're dealing with the spirits, when you're dealing with the spirits, you have to get many manicures.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, you don't even know, Chrissy. When I see someone ringing a bell, you know what that means? That means they did not have a chance to fuck before they died. That's it. They needed to take a good shit. It's like Elvis. Elvis died because he didn't get his bell rung. That's right. Did you know that? Okay, now remember, everybody, when I was talking before about the bullshit and the lying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
This is the part where I do that. Okay, just checking.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
In case you want to text us and let us know what you're doing this holiday season. The young lady who had the 21 EPM sticker brown out. Yes, yes. She contacted us. She did. She said, I heard your siren song on the commercial break, and I would like a new sticker. So we're going to send her a new sticker. If your 21 EPM sticker has browned out, let us know and we'll send you a new one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It's the Coachella of... Brains. Yes, Chrissy. Flying around. Oh, it's a Travis Scott concert.
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loved ones so that kind of gives them that so so she's a completely abandoned this woman that she was talking yeah because she saw that she wasn't going anywhere with the lady she got it wrong and this is how cold reading happens you do broad and then you move on yeah and if you can't get it you go backwards you go more broad so now she's back to the legs did anybody have any legs that one woman's like but what about me my husband did die and i want to talk yeah she's like wait um
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Can we go back to my dead husband? Do you mind? Would you mind talking to my dead husband? Meanwhile, Johnny on the spot here with the microphone. Look at him.
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But you just said you don't see anything. You just feel it. But now they're showing you the light switch. And by the way, why are you wearing the ruby red slippers from Wizard of Oz? Why is that happening?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's your mother, her last flatulence. Did you have to make some hard decisions about your mother's health care? I mean, this is, I knew it was you. I knew it was you. Who doesn't make tough decisions about a loved one's health care at the end?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
What happens is when spirit... Notice that every dead person is just happy that all the decisions were made correctly. Exactly. They want everyone relieved. If someone made a decision that ended up in my death, I don't care if I'm in the afterlife. I'm pissed off. I know. And I'm letting Teresa know. Let those shitheads know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, Teresa, you are. The thing that gets me every fucking time is even in an audience of 100 people, there are still two, four, six that desperately believe this.
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Desperately believe this. They want to believe. And these are the same people.
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I don't fault them. Yeah. I don't fault them.
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I fault her. I fault her for knowing she's full of shit and continuing the scam, continuing the scam. She is literally, I mean, I don't know if she's selling out anything, but she is literally showing up to theaters where there's a thousand seats and getting 700 people in there to pay $49.95 to see her do this dance. And by the way, reviews are in.
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And even though they keep it pretty tight, they don't allow filming of any kind, any audio. There are a few people who have taken videos inside of the room. Uh-huh.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
uh and it's pretty amazing how wrong she gets most of the stuff it this whole dance that she's doing right now at least on a few of the videos it it takes her sometimes 40 minutes to get onto something like she really stumbles around and she gets pissed at the crowd that's what happens you don't believe me i don't care if you believe me this is you know yeah it's just it's ugly the whole situation is ugly
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No, that's what I was going to say. Eco reasons meaning economical reasons. Okay. We only paid a dollar for a sticker.
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I trusted you with my pocketbook and you took five dollars. I saw it.
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I can't listen to Christina and Chrissy at the same time talk. How is she listening to multiple spirits and communicating with another human being at the same time? Oh, it's so annoying.
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Is that correct? Am I giving you any other option? Am I giving you a chance to speak? No. Yes and no. That's all she asks. Yes and no.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yes. Environmental reasons is what Astrid has come up with to cover our tracks. So thank you, Astrid, for covering our tracks. How was your weekend? I mean, we're recording this now when we're getting back from the weekend. So how was your weekend?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Now he's piggy-fronted? He's stepping forward?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
He's saying keep the address book. You might need it for a rainy day. He's also saying stop stealing from your mother's pocketbook. He's also saying you made all the wrong decisions with me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Okay, that's a good time. Is that a good time for us to take a break, too? I love it. They're prompting us for our break, too. I like it. Okay, ASPCA, link in the show notes. Please donate to a good cause this Christmas. We've got a few of them, so check them out in the show notes. We certainly would appreciate it. We'll be back with more Teresa.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Oh, you went to the Botanical Gardens? Yes. Oh, how exciting.
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Now you wish there was an HR department, don't you?
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Yes, that's correct. She was missing out on that. And so now she's coming back because she doesn't want to leave it open-ended because then people will be like, but what about that first woman she talked to?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Did he stub his toe? And don't lie to me because your husband's going to tell me the truth.
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They are just delicious. Thank you so much. As if we need another light-up thing in this house. But, yes, I've got mine.
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So they make me feel these things. And she pointed toward her vagina.
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Yes. She just told you that. She just told you that. Mm-hmm.
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Why are all the ghosts are thanking everybody? I'm being serious. There's not an angry ghost in all the land. No, not at all. I guarantee if I'm stuck in some kind of purgatory where I'm flying in and out of Teresa's hair, I'm going to be pissed. Like, is this really the bitch who I've got? Is there somebody else out there?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I know. And rather than just rinse and repeat all of the three Christmas-related things that I have, I decided, let me just dress regularly, and then I'll put on a hat or something like that.
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Yeah. The 12 Days of TCB wasn't well thought out in the wardrobe department. No. And barely thought out in the content department.
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Yeah. Teresa's been known to do this. She's very racist, I think, if you ask me. But, you know. I guess that's an opinion that's never been proven in court.
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Do you know someone that would refer to as a noun?
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We're getting there. Kristen and Jeff called me. I got in kind of a tizzy. So my twin brother came over to spend the night on Friday.
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Perfect. Thank you. Congratulations on the death. Yes.
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She just shook her head. She said, no, that didn't happen.
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Do you, next to her, do you understand that? How about two rows up and to the left? Do you understand that? Is there anybody who understands that?
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Was there anything that I've said previously that you might have understood?
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Yeah, I know. That's a pretty broad statement.
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Yeah, really. Wow. I don't like to be looked at.
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Because his fiance, his new fiance kicked him out of his own house. Yes, because that's what you do when you're newly engaged. You say, fuck you.
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I think she's trying to. She sees that Teresa's embarrassing herself, and she's trying to be nice.
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They're like, this is so creepy. There's the two ladies that are hosting this local morning show, and they are showing a shot of the two ladies who have, by the way, since the beginning, looked pretty skeptical about what's going on when they're showing shots of her. Right now, the look in this woman's face says all you need to know. Like, we should cut this short.
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I think this might go on for another minute. Hold on. Let's see.
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This is why A&E continues to give me $750,000 a year to make my show. That's the thing that pisses me off the most, too, is that... And listen, there are so many television shows we can say the same about in different categories and different circumstances. We were just talking about this before we came on air.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
There's the fetishization of all different kinds of things in reality TV show from dating moms to, you know, people who are overweight too. But this is the worst kind is that there's people at A&E or Lifetime or whatever. They must know that this is just a bunch of parlor tricks here. But yet they put them on TV and edited in a way to make it look like Teresa hits a home run 100% of the time.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It didn't even take two weeks. I think it was a week and a half. And Kevin's already out on the street. But if you were engaged to Kevin, then you'd probably kick him out too. So Carrie Ann has this like girls party that she does every year. And so she did it at Kevin's house this year. Well, he has a townhouse. So I think there's a little more room to spread your wings.
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Yeah, because she's just trying to, she wants them to buy in. Yeah, she wants them to buy in. And that's also why Teresa does not leave a lot of room for conversation. No, she has to keep talking. Yeah, she needs to drive the narrative because the second that she lets someone else do that, she's in la-la land and it doesn't work.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
She's still trying to convince someone that a fall has made their loved one die. This is the worst part of Teresa's ignorance of her absolute ego driven ignorance is that she makes people think something that isn't true. She just rewrote this lady's story about her husband's death. And she does this all the time. As long as she gets the win, everybody else takes the loss.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Now this lady, poor lady, if she believes in this, is going to go home and think that for some reason, a fall three years before her husband's death had something to do with his death. And if she had just realized that the fall, you know, I don't know, caused an aneurysm or whatever, then everything would be okay. But at least Teresa looks good on local Chicago morning news. The Windy City. Yeah.
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Of course, Chrissy. You don't know how this works. You've never had that heavy sensation on your breath? That gagging back in your throat?
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The piggy fronting right on the back of your head? Yeah. It's kind of like if, you know, when you're sleeping and Jeff sticks his morning wood into the back of your, you know?
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She says the same thing to every single person. She just uses different words.
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Your casual, absolutely obvious racism is insulting and disgusting, Teresa. You are a hot racist. Oh, man. She's a terrible human being. She's a terrible human being. Do you agree with me, Christina? Are you picking up on this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And there's two things that are really funny about this. And then I'll get to you. Number one, Kevin comes over and he is, seems like he's way in the holiday spirit. And I'm like, what he, what happened? You know, he said, listen, when the girls got there, I just decided to stay for a few. Of course, I had to have a few drinks with her friends.
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Yeah, she's short of saying did they get shot by a gang member. You know what I'm saying? It's like she's just so fucking obviously racist.
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She's like, no, not every black person has a shaved head with a design. And by the way, it's the white people who make that look terrible.
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Oh, Teresa, you are horrible. Cancel her immediately. Get her off television.
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He's like, yes, you do. You're a racist white lady with money.
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Now she's getting angry with this guy because this guy refused to say that he has money. dead people in his life that have clearly stereotyped haircuts.
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Grandmother, uncle, aunt, brother, sister, mom.
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Excuse me, Chrissy, I'm going through the Rolodex.
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I wish she was here. I wish she would come on this show. I wish she would come on this show. If anybody knows Teresa Caputo makes this happen, I swear I will make a sticker every other day that doesn't brown out, and I will put it on your refrigerator, personally.
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And I said, oh, so you're, you know, he got lubed up a little bit. But then the his the favorite sport over the night became look at the ring camera and see who's drunk.
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It's because dumb shits like you keep on bringing it up so that you can make an extra buck on the next ticket sale or television show or shitty merch that you sell, Teresa. Swear. Now I'm getting angry because I feel like now she's just... It's clear, after having done this long enough with Teresa, that she is so overtly racist. She's a scam artist and a fucking... Prejudiced human being. Yeah.
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And she wants us to believe that she's carrying the weight of the world. You are not carrying the weight of the world. You are white. You are racist. And you are privileged. And you are making money on the backs of people who are vulnerable in shitty situations. And you're taking advantage of them by using words to confuse them about what really happened to their loved ones. Fuck you.
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What is happening? I don't know. Why did she... Oh, they're lowering... Oh, they're lowering her mic because the other ladies are trying to do a television show.
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The other ladies are actually doing a television show. This isn't the Teresa show. No.
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Oh, okay. I think it's replaying itself. Yeah, I mean, listen, what else is there to say about Teresa Caputo? She is the world's worst human being. That's all I got to say. No mas.
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Yes, we were watching the ring doorbell cam to watch the ladies come in and out of the party as they were exiting for the night. And it was high entertainment. I bet it was. And this is a sport I haven't gotten into yet.
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Every time. It starts off as shits and giggles and then Brian gets all worked up because Teresa's terrible. She's a terrible. Fuck you. I hope this goes viral. Not for me, but for her. I hope this goes viral because we have shed light on this in the past, but I don't think that it's been quite so obvious as it was today.
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that Teresa Caputo not only is lying to people, scamming people out of money, and doing a parlor trick, but then she's overtly racist about it, which is just terrible. It's just terrible. And that fucking accent, that goddamn hair. Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho. Oh. She's never had her bell rung before.
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Oh, yeah. Well, she did piggy fronting all the time. Who doesn't love a good piggy fronting every once in a while?
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As does a colonic, too, just to let you know. Tell Jeff... Anytime he needs his bell rung, I'll come over there. I'll let him know. I'll check for smooth texture.
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Hard points. Listen, us guys, we got to stick together, right?
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It's not a sexual thing. It's not mainly a sexual thing.
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It's a health thing, and then it's a sexual thing. Well, we can do both, Chrissy. Tell Jeff we can do both.
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Oh, if we only could. If they had like a little monitor on your finger and you could just go in there, wipe the windshield, and it says your bell's been rung. You're good. You're 100% less likely to get prostate cancer. Check your balls, guys. Make sure you get that prostate check. That's all I got to say. That is an important message.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And 21 EPMs will reduce your chances of cancer by an estimated 38%. 21 EPMs a month. Are you keeping up? Don't answer that question. You should be keeping up. Astrid gets angry about the sexualized text messages, so don't do that. All right, 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, we are taking them all right there at that phone number.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
TCBpodcast.com, all the audio and the video. YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break for every episode of The Commercial Break moving forward on YouTube and Spotify a couple of days after it comes out on Spotify. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for now. Hi, thanks. But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. I'll say best to you. Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But this made me think of you because I want access to your ring doorbell camera because I know that's probably the best ring doorbell available anywhere in the city of Atlanta is Chrissy and Jeff. I will bet you at least twice a year Chrissy and or Jeff are caught on ring doorbell sans clothing. I will bet you at least twice a year that happens.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
quadruple fitster have no family to celebrate Christmas with this year the commercial break is live the entire holiday season to make you even more miserable than you currently are so put your Christmas pajamas on gather around the Christmas tree and listen to brand new episodes of the commercial break
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
You guys do some midnight gardening in the buff. Well, in the summer, you know, hey, listen, we live in Atlanta. You can be excused for, you know, going sans clothing in the summer. So it's like 1030 at night and I can see that my phone is ringing, but I'm laying with one of the kids trying to put them to bed. And it's Jeff, also known as Jeff Hoadley in my phone. Jeff doesn't have a last name.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
He's just Jeff Hoadley. And so I was like, wow, Jeff's calling. Something must be happening with Chrissy. He must be trying to get... I thought he was out of town. So I was like, oh, he must be trying to get a hold of Chrissy. Yeah. Or there's some emergency.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
trimming her tree with her trim she's got it's a trim trim it's a trim trimming uh so i i immediately text back i can't answer because i'm with i don't want to wake my even if there is an emergency i don't want to wake my kids up so fuck chrissy i got to keep the kids asleep but i'm like hey jeff what's going on is everything okay is there an emergency
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And he says, oh, yeah, man, I'm just sitting here with Chrissy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, I texted both of you. I texted both of you because I needed the 411 immediately. There was a drama drop coming and I needed to know. You know what I'm saying? I thought this might be the night when I have to wake everybody up and say, I've got to go down to Atlanta because Chrissy's in trouble. But it wasn't that night. It was just Jeff wondering if I had ever had my bell rung by a doctor.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
You don't call me after seven o'clock at night for any reason.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I confirm that you do get your bell rung by the doctor. Now, the prostate check is very infrequent now. They usually do not do that because they have found that rubbing your finger over the prostate just causes unnecessary erections.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, I thought that Jeff was talking about sticking the finger in the rear. Yes, he was. Oh, I thought it was the grabbing the balls and coughing. It was both. Oh, yeah, there's two separate molestations that go on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Well, listen, I mean, you can hardly blame a doctor. Listen, it's boring in a doctor's office. I got a cold. I got the sniffles. I got snot. My back hurts. Every once in a while, they get a young, strong, strapping lad in there. And, you know, slaying their bells is the best thing that they, you know, it's a little break from the monotony. So you can hardly blame them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's like, you know, old-fashioned pedoing. When, you know, you're just a little ball tingling. Never hurt anybody. Under the guise of a medical professor.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of the
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It is absolutely incorrect. And it only took them 300 years to realize.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Since when do they start sticking their fingers in women's anuses? There's no prostate back there. I have never had that. No, no, no, no, no. When I was 30 years old, I got my first bell ringing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
It does ring like a bell. It is a weird sensation that some people find quite pleasurable, right? I do not. It felt very uncomfortable to me. And as a matter of fact, at times, my doctor had to tell me to relax. The last time I had this done.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Warm lube. Warm lube if they're being gentle. Yeah, if you're friends, they'll do warm lube. There's a glove that goes on. And it is maybe 20 seconds whole operation.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
But it feels like three minutes, right? It feels like a long time. And the last time that I had this done.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah. The last time I had this done was at the urologist because I have a family history of prostate cancer. So it was important and early prostate cancer. So it was important for me. This is why 21 EPM sticker even exists. Yeah. It was important for me to make sure that I was getting checked frequently as a young man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And so I have a urologist, and I went to him for the first time, and he said, well, listen, this is not like a predeterminative test, but by feeling the nature of your prostate, by feeling whether or not it's hard or soft.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, hard or soft, and then they rub it to make sure it's smooth, right? So they take their finger and they do a little window washing, so to speak. They go up there, they wash the windows. The quadruple fist there. That's right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And so the last time that I had this done, the doctor took his finger out and he goes, was it tight because you're not relaxed or is it tight? Is that normally how it is? And I was like, what are you talking about? Did you expect it to be loose? Did you want it to be loose, doctor? He asked me that question and I said, I think I'm just a little nervous. When they touch your prostate like that,
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Let me go back one second. When I'm 25, 26 years old, I get invited to basically the Breath of Fire Kundalini cult. Oh, that's right. And in the Kundalini cult, I'm in the tantric sex yoga shop, the level one that they talk about inside of this documentary on HBO. I actually went to like an offshoot of this. Uh-huh.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And as an offshoot of that offshoot, they say at the beginning, they say, listen, if anybody wants to stay for the live prostate massage. The live prostate massage retreat, it'll happen directly. The retreat. There's a retreat. And if you can find a partner, then you can also follow along with, right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So you can imagine, first of all, the sights, smells, and sounds that were going on at the prostate.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That was a bridge too far, Chrissy. A bridge too far.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
No, I was done. The Kundalini yoga was enough. It was a tantric... And there was no... I guess maybe some people might imagine a tantric yoga workshop would be all about sex. And there is talk of sex, but there is no sex. At least not in the beginning. The level one. Level two, they go for it. So...
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
So what I heard from the more, I guess, prostate enthusiasts in the room was that by ringing the bell, you can ring the bell and the outcome can be explosive, if you know what I mean, right? There can really be... a release that goes on there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Finger in the butt. Yeah, that's the bell ringing. No, let's call that the jingle bells. There's the jingle bells and then the bell ringing. The jingle bells is grab your nuts and cough, turn your head and cough, and then the finger in the butt is the bell ringing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Both important parts of men's health, by the way, at least until recently when they stopped ringing your bell because they figured out that it was just old-fashioned pedoing. Yes, I do. All right. So this happens when I'm 25, 26 years old. And then I know of the prostate massage community and what goes on in there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
And then when I get my first bell ringing, I was so nervous that I was going to jizz all over the doctor's office. Oh, my God. Starting to clamp up.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I didn't know. Well, apparently, sometimes that happens. Apparently, sometimes you just go in and it goes out, right? You're there in, you're out, everyone's happy. I guess. I don't know. And so, I'd like to ask Doc Scott about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I think he was at the retreat. I'm sure. I swear to God. I'm sure. So, ever since then, it's not the most pleasurable thing in the world to me, but it has been done less frequently as the years have gone on because doctors say... We have now decided that this is not a great way to determine whether or not you have prostate. There's more advanced ways.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
Yeah, you just take some blood and they can tell it in your cells. But don't let that stop them from a good time. Let's torture Brian with a bell ringing. Now, there's the other thing that he's talking about, which is the jingle bells. The jingle bells.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
The coffin balls. Now, this is really important, and men should do this frequently, is you should examine your own testicles for lumps, bumps, or otherwise weird things that are going on. This is super important, and you have your partner do it, whatever. You guys make a play date out of it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I mean, I guess it's not great if you actually do discover a lump, then it kind of kills the mood, but... You can start off that way, right? Yes. So the doctor coughs. You can grab someone's jingle bells and you can hold them. And then when they cough, it can determine whether or not the prostate is working effectively as the balls go up or down.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
That's what I understand because I'm not a doctor, but I stayed at a Holiday Inn last night. And then they may squish them around a little bit just to feel what's going on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Baby, It's A Cold Read
I went to a doctor, I was just telling you this, I went to a doctor one time, I was having terrible back pain and it started, I didn't know this at the time, but that terrible back pain, I was also then having terrible testicular pain in one of my nuts, in my left nut. So I was like, oh shit, do I have something very serious? Do I have cancer?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Carnival Cruise actually sells, and I think a lot of cruise ships do this, they sell rooms underneath the waterline.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, those are the $200. Well, I don't know. On Carnival, you might get a balcony for $200, but you can actually get one of those stowaway rooms, and they call it the stowaway room.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
What do you say? But we'll let you have all the well liquor you want. Don't worry about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, man. I'll tell you what. Whatever was going on, he looked angry. They actually had to sedate him. The doctors sedated him. Like an elephant. They just stuck him like an elephant. That's crazy. I mean, I don't even know if that's legal. But I guess out in open water, anything's legal. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Hey, listen, great idea. I don't drink. So next time I go on the carnival cruise, I'm going to start kicking down doors to get the good stuff. All right. Okay, listen. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is what we're talking about for the next couple of days or for the last couple of days we've been talking about it. We are going to put a link in the show notes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence helps women and children who are getting out of abusive situations get back on their feet, find shelter, get away from the abusive relationships, and then get back on their feet and also with financial literacy so that they can take care of themselves and their family during what has to be extraordinarily difficult times. Super, super.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I know that the local women's shelter around here, which we give a lot of stuff to and money to, this is the busiest time of the year you can only imagine. And a lot of women choose to decouple from those situations now. A lot of those women have children. And it's just a terrible thing. Yeah, it's scary. It's a terrible thing to think about.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And then to think about the fact that the kids may not have Christmas gifts, which makes it twice as miserable and twice as scary, and that the women are really in a shitty situation they've got to dig themselves out of. These people do God's work by helping other human beings get out of terrible situations. So if you would, donate a dollar.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Even a dollar can make a big difference this time of year to any of the causes we've been talking about. But this one feels near and dear to my heart. So if you would, please, we'll put a link in the show notes directly to their website where you may make that donation directly to them. We have nothing to do with it, but we're just encouraging you to do some good during the 12 days of TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The love connection has nothing to do with the carnival cruises or the abuse, but, or maybe, I don't know. We don't know what happened in every love connection relationship, do we? But I will promise you, the person we're reviewing today is not TCB. An abuser.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Probably the nicest guy that's ever been on Love Connection. We're going to be back with one of our favorites. What the fuck, Chuck? Love Connection. After these words, we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And we're going to have the hap-hap-happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking King. Oh, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to The Commercial Break. I'm Brian Greene. This is the Donner to My Blitz. And Chris and Joy Hoadley, best to you, Chris.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, man. Okay, listen. Over the last couple of years, one of our favorite things to do is to review dating shows. Now, yesterday, we reviewed MTV's Parental Control. What a terrible television show.
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I didn't find Jeremy, actually. Didn't find Jeremy. I would have thought for sure.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
He's not around. He's not with us anymore. He's incarcerated somewhere. Jeremy, I couldn't find him. I thought for sure he would be a, you know, someone trying to make a living on Instagram, but he, I didn't find him. I'll continue to look. My search skills are fantastic. So if he's out there, I'll find him. But I only spent a couple of minutes on it yesterday.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Okay, so one of our favorite things to do has been to review Love Connection episodes. Love Connection, of course, the very famous dating show from back in the 80s and early 90s. They actually had two versions of the Love Connection, one with Chuck Woolery and then another one in the mid-90s with another guy. Not as funny. Chuck is definitely the best.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Although he became problematic in his later years. He was great, but he's great now. He's great back in the 80s.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Chuck Woolery did... I believe. I do remember seeing something about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, Chuck died. Okay, I think Chuck died. We'll figure that out. Is he dead? Yeah, he's dead.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Aw. I know. Okay. Well, Chuck, at least in the 80s, you were a nice guy. So I think I have found the nicest guy that has ever been on the Love Connection stage, and that is saying something, because in the 80s, the people just had a different personal attitude. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And also look, this guy, wait till you see this guy. I think he's 31. He looks like he's 62. Wait till you see this guy. Okay, let's review this episode of Love Connection. Here's our boy Chuck Woolery.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
brian best of you out there in the podcast universe welcome back to the 12 days of tcb here we are rolling toward christmas eve christmas day the day after christmas the day after the day after christmas every fucking day you get a new episode of the commercial break in december fear not thank you to everybody who has been supporting us writing in i know saying wonderful things about us i do i do love the reaction that is nice that makes it worth it
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Look at him. He is 37 years old. Chrissy, this guy does not look a day under 65 years old. This is amazing. I know. I think all those preservatives are... It's a huge mustache.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, the jowls and the gray hair. All of it together. And the caterpillars on top of his eyes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It's about 30 miles outside of Fort Knox. As the crow flies. Yeah, if you take a 40 over there to exit 32, then you get off at 32, you can take 16 over to 12. You know where the gas station is, Chevron. You'll take a right there. I live about 12 miles from there, and you got to pass a couple of pastures first, Chrissy. Okay. Just letting you know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I used to get in my bell-bottoms, and I would go out on Friday night, and I liked to wear the bell-bottoms, but my penis often showed, so I'd put a little pad in there so it was not to upset any of the womenfolk. And then we'd go out and party hard. We did a lot of cocaine and poppers back then, and that's why I think it was fun.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, my God. I had a dance partner. She had a boyfriend. Made it pretty clear to me that there would not be any funny stuff. But that was okay with me. I wasn't very sexually mature. I was only 29 years old. I wasn't quite ready for the full ride, if you know what I mean, Chuck.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I got my whole outfit at TJ Maxx for about $39, and then she would be wearing a sparkly-do, if you don't mind, and then we would go out there and do our thing, and there was absolutely no physical contact afterwards. It was kind of nice for me and her husband.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Look at his eyes. He's like, this was what's so great about 79 and 80s. Most people thought I was gay. So I really did not get a lot of action, but I looked good doing it. Do you know what I'm saying, Chuck?
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Really? Five to ten times a week? There's only seven days in a week? Geez.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah. I think even when I was dating someone seriously, we wouldn't go on five dates a week. Do you know what I'm saying? No.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, it did plummet. I got into transformers and model trains. And I had a model train partner, and you see, she would come in and help me with the model train, but she was married. But what would happen is we would go to the model train conventions, and then oftentimes I would be approached by other men to play with their trains. And it was nice in that regard.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This has been great for the audience, not so good for the three of us here in the room, as we've been nonstop recording. But hey, we'll get a nice break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I felt like I was being paid attention to.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I think this guy's very nice. I wish for one minute I was as innocent as John was.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This was all jerk-em-off cowboy. I was at a certain kind of cowboy bar, and I don't know, it just didn't feel right to me, Chuck.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Plus, the tight jeans didn't show off the best of me, if you know what I mean. I found that my dating decreased by five to ten days a week.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Got sore arms from dancing with the cowgirls?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Sounds like though. Well, listen, he's a man about town.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Brian, the beat-em-up boss, will give you guys a break, I promise, real soon.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Disco is your thing. It is. Right. I think he probably should have changed his haircut after disco.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This is my favorite part when we get to look at the ladies he's going to choose.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
She likes dancing. She likes woodworking. And woodworking. And woodworking. I think that's something John could get into.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, well, that might be a downside there, Terry. The 80s were a different time, guys. Some men just take no interest in my child, and some take a lot of interest in my child. That's right. I think this lady's a perfect fit for our boy here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, man, will it be well-deserved. So, yeah, and everybody has been writing in saying that they're really enjoying the 12 days of TCB. Some people have been so kind as to send screenshots of them donating. I saw a National Breast Cancer Coalition fund or two the other day. A couple ASPCAs, and the St. Jude Foundation seems to be a popular one with everybody. So thank you very much.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
If you want to be taken seriously, don't wrap your shirt in a bow.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
She's very forward for the early 80s. She's in construction. You've got to have a good head on your shoulders to be in construction.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You can tell in Ellen's eyes that she's already way too advanced for our boy here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, you lucked out on this one. I'm not sure this guy even has ever looked in a mirror.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It is a fun and interactive way for the audience to get involved. Choose which person's going to go on a blind date with this luscious, lovely man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Don't worry, Chrissy. I got the second half.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
That's a nice way to end things. Yeah, this is one of the very early episodes, by the way. You can tell just by the hissing noise in the background and the way that this is made.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It's kind of weird that you set people up on blind dates. They show up at each other's houses. Yeah.
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I'm just letting the music play because I like it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Would you think that reciting poetry to you, would that be weird or would you like that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Your schwag is on the way. I do promise that. So, Chrissy... How are you feeling? I just want to take a temperature check in the room. How are you feeling?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Poetry. Yeah. But I mean, like if you just met a guy and he came in on the second date and he just said, I have a poem for you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah. Maybe like the second year of marriage. Right. Right. Yeah. Something like that. No, not for you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
event yes what if i had someone create a mega write a poem for me i've written soliloquies yeah but i don't think i've ever written a poem for anybody and i certainly wouldn't recite them to him that's what i message is for it's like making someone listen to you play the guitar it's giving barbie you know yeah i know the scene yeah i've done that a lot escaping brian but to be fair to me i was drunk or high so there you go
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
These three women. They willingly did it because they said, well, it's better than him talking. I said, do you want to hear a little Brian's escape?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I just was a fan of things that, words that sounded good together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We won't actually hear about that date, but we'll hear about Joe's date.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, because she came back for a second round. Oh. You see what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
No, they don't do that. In later years, they also don't have a seven-and-a-half-minute introduction like the commercial break did for the first two seasons.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You sound like you got a little bit of a cold.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
He's been divorced for 13 years. He's 37, so he got divorced at 24, 25. Got divorced. Yeah, 24. That's young to get divorced.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
But, I mean, if you were married to John... Well... I know. It's going to take a certain kind of personality. It is. Nice guys sometimes do finish last. It's a true story. And the reason why nice guys finish last is because there is a certain boredom that comes with always being nice. Do you know what I'm saying? I'm not saying it's a bad thing, but I can see John...
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, listen, yeah, he sounds so exciting that he couldn't find his own dance partner.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You need some tea and honey? I might. We'll get you some tea and honey after this episode. Not letting you go. You got to finish this episode. Man, I'll tell you what.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You could be getting older, John. That might be a statement that might be true.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, we're all getting older, Chuck. It's just one of those unfortunate things. One year I'm 36, and the next year I happen to be 37. My birthday was last Tuesday, Chuck, and I almost ran over a squirrel. Luckily, I avoided any kind of contact. But it was because my arms are sore from all that flippin' and floppin' and country-western type music.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, we don't need to hear about your self-reflection. It's like Aaron Rodgers doing a whole Netflix special on his ayahuasca experience. It's just a little glow-up we don't need. You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
What? To one of your last loves? Yeah, nothing gets a girl wet like the last girl getting poetry.
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Well, please repeat it. Please recite it. But of course, Chuck won't have a follow-up question here, which will suck because that's not what Chuck does. Chuck's bad at follow-up questions.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, and I already said it, so now you already got it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Let's move this along. Let's move away from the interesting part of the show and back to the boring part of the show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, God, I put it into the ether. What are we, Teresa Caputo now? What are we going to do? You got to go around, spit twice, spin around, yell in the air? What are you going to do? How do you get rid of a cold? Well, listen, it is that time of year when people do get sick, and you have been coming here, where I have 13 to 15 children, that bring around every fucking disease possible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, he chose the one that I thought would be least a fit for him because Ellen looks and sounds like she's lived some life.
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And John looks like he literally reads novels on his day off.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I took Route 34, and then I got off at Exit 12, and I was in my jeans and had some suspenders on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Chuck, all right, John, let's move it along now.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right, John, let's move along now. We only have 15 minutes. She had some other plants. She had some other plants. Please name them. Please. I hope this guy names them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It was a penis. Life-size. Life-size. Yeah, life-size penis. And I came to the realization, I was dating the wrong sex.
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I don't know if I could meet up to this nude. He doesn't, his penis doesn't quite measure up.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
He knew the second that he walked into that room that he had the best love connection story. And he might be right because this might be episode number three. And it had great detail in some places. Please tell us which places it had great detail.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right. I think that's a good place that we should take a break. Let me remind you that we are talking about the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is one of the five charities that we are going to focus on during the 12 days of TCB. We're just shining a light on these charities that do such great work. And if you would...
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
One of my kids had this weird... Have you ever heard of Rosalia? Have you heard of this? Rosalia is a very nondescript infection that children get.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Be so kind as to just donate a few dollars, $5, $10, $50, $1,000, whatever it is, to one or multiple of these charities. We certainly would appreciate it. It'll make you feel better. They'll be able to do some more good. Go out there in the world in 2025 and help some people, some pets.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Most of these charities use a majority of their money. I mean, all of these charities use a majority of their money to the intended causes, which not all charities do. There are many charities, probably the ones you know most about because you hear about them all the time. that do nothing but market their own charity.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
They'll spend like 70% of their budget on getting more money and then they pay their, you know, the people who run these organizations a whole shitload of money. None of these organizations do that. St. Jude does do a lot of advertising, but they also do a whole shitload of good and they do more good than they do advertising. Anyway, you get the point. Links are in the show notes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Please go donate. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
It sounds like a lovely flower. It basically blooms into an extraordinarily high fever with a rash. Right. But adults don't get it. So don't worry. You don't have to worry about it. Or do adults get it? I'm not sure. If you get it, let me know. But my kid was cooking. She was like at 105.7. And so when you touch her, she's hot. So listen to this. This is crazy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right. Now we're back. All right. All right. We got it. No problem. Don't worry about it. Christina here in studio with us. By the way, just doing a wonderful job. There's so many moving parts now to this whole thing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You know how many times we've done it? If we had never done it, I probably would be frustrated. But we have done it so many times that it's just part of the gig.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Christina and I recorded something twice today. All right, so we're back with Chuck. He is literally with the nicest guy in the world. They're about to tell us about, well, he started to tell us about his date, his blind date with this young lady. And we got to the part where he walked in the apartment and he saw a nude painting of another man. With a apparently very large penis. Here we go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, Lord. You just walked in the door, John.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You just walked in the door and saw a picture of a penis.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The poetry. I thought he was going to say, you know what? My penis. I mean, honestly, you can't give this girl 15 minutes before you start dropping poetry on her. Man, the 80s were a different time because if this worked, if she goes on a second date with him, I'm going to be very surprised.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
No. He's a rapscallion, that John. Remember that.
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I know, he's got his little eyes. Those eyebrows move up and down, and they're accentuated by the world's largest eyebrows. So they just, you know, you can't help but notice. He's like a little kid. He's kind of cute.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I'm here with you. I walked through the door. Did you know my penis hits the floor?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You say 105.7, their brains are burning at that point, but not true with children. Children, they have a lot of malleability in their brains because they're not fully formed yet. So it's a little bit, it's much different actually with a child. If you're at 105.7 as an adult, you're dead. I mean, there's no way your body can take that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You went and got something to eat. What happened there, John?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Was the nude in the bedroom? In one of the doors. In the apartment. First of all, second of all, you were literally describing plants she had in her house. And you said, we went to eat. What happened? I know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yes. So far, all we've done is I brushed aside her, Chrissy, and I got an erection immediately. And you don't want to rush these things, you see. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This is the same guy who bruises because of country western dancing. You have to understand.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Wait, does she sit on you? I don't know. Like a chair. Yeah. Geez, John. God. I thought you were a nice guy. Now you're just like a little hellcat waiting to be unleashed.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Okay, so you told us about none of the dates. So far, you walked in, saw a penis painting, caught something to eat, made out on a chair, and she told you enough is enough.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
So when my first one was born, about a year, he's a year and a half old, and one night he was sleeping in the bed with Astrid and I, and I rolled over, he was in the middle of us, I rolled over and I touched him, just like put my hand on him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
There we go. They made a love connection. Wow. I found my dancing partner who does not have a boyfriend.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, I knew they were going to pick one because of the dancing. Yeah, because of the dancing and because they're both very quiet in nature. 51%. He just gave the audience a scathing look. Yeah, he gave them the death stare. I think lasers came out of his eyeballs. That was crazy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, it's very obvious as much as it can be in 80s television that things have heated up between the two of you.
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Come on down. Come on down. Get yourself a furry young man. She's lovely.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I like it. She is lovely. Good for them. I actually wanted to see this work out for this guy because he really is a nice guy. He does seem like it. You don't, like... You would be hard-pressed to find somebody in 2024 that talks and acts like this. Hard-pressed.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And while he may be a little, you know, maybe he's got old-world themes. This is the 80s, right? He's 40 years old in the early 80s, so. He's got his family crest on his pocket, for God's sake. The sundial crest.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
All right. There you go. Well, I feel really happy for John.
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And he was like a tea kettle. That's how hot he was. And I was like, holy shit, you know, he's a fever. So we get up, we get the thermometer, we take his temperature, he's at 105 something. And we are freaking the fuck out. Of course. We're like, oh my God. So we get some cool damp cloths and we give them, you know, Tylenol or Motrin or whatever it is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You know what? This is a couple that I probably would never find online because I don't think that John is the type of person who probably kept up with technology. But I do have to say, what a lovely couple. What a lovely, just like wholesome episode of the commercial break. How... Could we make it any nicer for you as we lead up into Christmas?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We didn't go for anybody. We've done so many love connections, and so many of the guys are just jerk-offs. Remember that one guy who was the guy who was like a bouncer at the door?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And he was touching the ladies, and he was like, I date all night long, or whatever he said. I can keep going all night long. Yeah. So many of these guys were headed straight to Jerry Springer. But John was a nice, classic, wholesome young man. And that lady. Yeah, or jail. And that lady was so lovely. Nothing like parental control. Nothing at all. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, listen, how much more damage can we do today? Honestly, let's quit while we're ahead. I do love a good love connection. I really do. It was part of my childhood. I remember my parents watching this show a lot because it was on during daytime TV. So you would get like, if you stayed home sick or you're on vacation, you would get Price is Right. You would get Love Connection.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You would get Judge Wapner. Yeah. In the 90s, you would get Oprah. It's something you would get. What time did Oprah come on? Four o'clock. Oprah's on. That's right. Four o'clock. You had to miss it. Can't miss television. Oprah. Oprah Winfrey. But Love Connection was one of mine. Love Connection was the one that I really loved. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
tcbpodcast.com that's where you go you find out more information about the show all the audio all the video right there at one location and now every single episode of the commercial break moving forward will be available on youtube the same day that it's available here on the audio feed spotify just a couple of days afterwards so please do us a favor go to the youtube channel subscribe like comment on your favorite video share if you dare share if you care
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Or you can go to Spotify and watch those videos, like I said, just a couple of days after they drop here on the audio feed. Also, do us a favor. 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Would you be so kind as to text us comments, questions, concerns, content ideas? We take them all right there at that phone number. You can leave us a text message. You can leave us a voicemail.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We don't care how you do it. Just do it, please. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok, and again, YouTube.com. slash the commercial break. Also, because we know you're in the giving spirit, we certainly would appreciate it if you could spend a few bucks. If you want to give Chrissy and I something really special this holiday, you can do two things.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And we put a call in to the doctor and the doctor says, well, listen, if it goes down, you know, great. If it goes up, go to the hospital. If it goes down, don't worry about it. Come and see us tomorrow. So we bring him in the next day. And when the doctor takes his temperature, it's at 106. And now, so I'm totally freaking out about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
You can keep listening to the 12 Days of TCB and beyond. Follow us on your favorite podcast platform. But then secondly, you can donate a few bucks to one of the causes we've been talking about. St. Jude's Foundation, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, and the ASPCA. All of these organizations doing wonderful work. Spend a few dollars.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Make yourself feel good. It's tax deductible. Go straight to their website by clicking the link on the show notes. Thank you in advance. All right, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Happy holidays. Until next time, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And the doctor is like, don't worry. This is your first. It's our first. Don't worry about it, right? Which is a really hard thing to do as a child. She's like, don't worry about it. Honestly, sometimes kids go into the 107s, sometimes even the 108s, and it's just their body reacting to an infection.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
If you got a softie in your brain, you're going to have a softie in your pants. You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
As long as we can bring it down with some kind of medication or, you know, cooling them off in some way, shape, or form, then we don't get worried about it. But I thought to myself, holy shit, you could cook rice at 107. Can you cook rice at 107? I don't know. What does water boil at?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
What is it? I know, Celsius. That always gets me fooled.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, what does water boil at? 130 degrees Fahrenheit, I think is what it is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
212 degrees. Okay, so you had a little ways to go. Okay, yeah. So we couldn't fry an egg on his head. Right. Rice can boil on my son's chest. So anyway, if you get Rosalia, let me know. You know where they get a lot of infections like Rosalia is at Carnival Cruises, apparently. I was going to share with you this. Where is this going?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video doorbells, cams, and alarm kits.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I was going to share with you that right before we got on, I was flipping through Instagram, as I do, and I saw this reel where someone had posted that a guy on a Carnival cruise, not but 45 minutes to an hour after they left the L.A. port, was trying to kick down people's doors. He had his shirt off, big boy, trying to kick down doors on the Carnival cruise.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I have determined that the Carnival cruise has become the Black Friday Walmart thing
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
of cruising because it's so cheap right i mean it's dirt fucking cheap it's like a hundred dollars to go to cozumel for the weekend those ads before i've been on a carnival cruise by the way i went on there many years ago my first cruise was a carnival cruise and i thought it was lovely because i had nothing to compare i was gonna say maybe that's the starter cruise yes the starter cruise it's the starter cruise or it's the i want to get away for the weekend and i don't you know i'm i'm not getting paid till next week kind of cruise
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list. And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Because I've been on Royal Caribbean and Disney Cruise. Now, Disney Cruises are crazy expensive anyway, so you get what you pay for in that sense. Royal Caribbean, I think, is like the middle of the road. They have Ritz-Carlton Cruises now, too. Oh, I know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Way off. So there's a huge gap between $239 for a person to go to Cozumel for the weekend and $41,000 for the mid-suite on a Ritz-Carlton cruise. And so I understand that when you make it accessible or affordable for everyone to cruise, everyone's going to cruise. Everyone and anyone are going to cruise.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
But so far this year, I think I've heard that Carnival Cruises has had to pull a poop cruise for three and a half days back to port. Many people have fallen and jumped off. Sick, you know, all kind of bacteria running through there. You know, some lady died in the jacuzzi. People are literally rocking the boat in the middle of the night.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
I can't tell you how many fights I've seen in those clubs at night that are going on in those Carnival Cruises. What is wrong with people? You're on a cruise. Why is everyone so upset?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, that's the thing. And trust me, they're not giving you, you know, Cuervo 1800 on the top shelf. Yeah, that's what we call the well liquor. You know why I call it the well liquor? You keep it in the well so people can't see it. That's a true story.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah. Top shelf liquor is on the shelf so people see it and they want to buy it. Well liquor is in the well where no one can determine exactly what they're drinking, including the bartenders or the people selling you that alcohol. It is... It is a bad idea to order well drinks all night long because that alcohol is probably high octane.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
They're the well liquor of the cruise world. Absolutely. Listen, you can't fault someone for trying to find a deal. In that regard, I say, hey, listen, you know, if you can only afford $239 a night or a cruise. You've got to get to Jamaica. And you've got to get to Jamaica tomorrow to buy some weed. And flush it down the toilet before you make it back to port. Like Brian did.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Then listen, Carnival is a great option. By the way, Carnival Cruise was the cruise that I got stopped on the way back in.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And had a strip search, including an anal cavity search.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Well, of course they are. They know that the people who are smuggling weed go on carnival cruises.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
This way, sir. Yeah, they land a helicopter. This way, sir.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We will now pull into Star Island in Miami.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Trump helicopter will pick you up and fly you back to a New York City skyscraper. There you'll have your ass wiped with only the finest cotton sheets. 500 thread count. Yeah. Ritz Carlson cruises. You press a button in the bathroom and it goes, poo-poo. Or pee-pee. Someone comes running in and they dab your penis. If you pee-pee, they go, ping-ping. Clean the seat.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, they must have bidets on the Ritz-Carlton. Well, actually, no. There's spaces at a premium there. But I did look at the floor plans. I did, too. You and I are the same. I wish I could do that. I wish I could do that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Listen, true story. Astrid and I love a Ritz-Carlton. Oh, we do too. We love a Ritz-Carlton. We got married there. That doesn't mean we have money. It means somebody else had money to give us, right? But we have been lucky enough to stay at a number of Ritz-Carlton. That is a treat. We are the kind of people who go on vacation and we spend the money on the accommodations. Exactly. Right?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We have children, so we know that, you know, we're not going to do anything fun during the vacation, so we might as well stay somewhere nice.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah. And so we've stayed at Ritz Carlton. Plus, when you get married to Ritz Carlton, they give you a bunch of points you can use, you know, to stay a place. So we've made the best use out of those points. So I love a Ritz Carlton. So when those cruise lines, when they started hitting me up about their new cruise ships, I was looking at every floor plan.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
And some of those cruise ship suites at the Ritz Carlton, they're like 1,300 square feet. Oh, yeah. That's half this house. I mean, it's bigger than my apartment. I know. It's not even in the way that they do them up. Every inch. Finest. The finest quality everything.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Of course. When you're paying $41,000 a person to get on one of those cruises. A person. And then they only take you on like a three-day cruise for $41,000. They have three restaurants. When they have racquetball on a cruise ship, you know you're cruising with stuff. I think they actually have a polo field there. I think Harry and Meghan do polo on the Ritz-Carlton ship.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
But when you go on a carnival cruise, because I've been on one, they stick a bed up against the wall. There's a porthole you can't see out of. And the crapper and the shower are the same thing. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, see, that's what I'm not going to do. Yeah, you put down the toilet seat, give yourself a shower, but it's not.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
So you're saying there's a chance. Hey, listen, after the 12 days of TCB, I'm treating everybody to a carnival cruise.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Oh, I would do it. I think those carnival cruises are the ones where they have the yacht.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The wrestling cruises are definitely on carnival. I can guarantee you that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yeah, Brad Williams. Or the 90s music cruise, which apparently is very popular. I saw there was a 311 cruise. Creed has done a cruise.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Everybody has a cruise. Why not a TCB cruise?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Why can't we have a cruise? Well, I think we need to actually probably do the live shows we bailed. on last year before we do. People texting all the time. What are those live shows? Stay tuned. Stay tuned. Those live shows may now be on Twitch. Hey, we gave you refunds. What can we do?
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
The live show's now on Carnival Cruise from here to Cozumel. Now, Carnival's not in on this. It's just us. It's like these charities we've been talking about. They know nothing about it. Neither does Carnival Cruise. Chrissy and I will be doing a live episode of TCB in the formal dining room every night at our table, which I just hope we can sell the table.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
Yes, a private, yeah. If not, then we'll do it next to the bed by the porthole. I can see it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Poem Time For Lovers
We had a whole show planned. I'm not even going to get into it. It's not even worth talking about. We'll get back to it, I promise. Let's put a pin in it for right now and circle back later. Yeah, 2030. When my next parathyroid gets taken out. When my next tumor grows, then we'll think about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Didn't he went to the hospital one time for over caffeination?
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
He's fallen off the stage a number of times, I feel like. But that's another thing rock stars do. Yeah, exactly. How many times? Who was that other guy? Steven Tyler. Yes. Steven Tyler. But Steven Tyler has a good reason. He's high on Percocet. Why are you so rad? Exactly. Stephen Tyler. Stephen Tyler, they unwound that band, Aerosmith. They unwound it.
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No more live shows because Stephen can't do it anymore. He's getting too old. And fine, fair. At some point, you got to clock out. Like, that's just it. He's like 76 years old or something. And his voice, those songs, if you're into Aerosmith, those songs are at such a high register and they're so loud. At some point, your voice just can't do that. Right.
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But for some reason, I'm just not feeling like Instagram's going to go crazy about Aerosmith's next last tour. No. Like they did for the Aeros tour. No. But so they unwind the band. They call it quits. Everybody's fighting with each other, you know, always. Aerosmith's been that way forever. People are sober and not sober.
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You know, people falling off stages and cracking their head and going in other bands and all this other stuff. Then poor Aerosmith, the nail in the coffin. Disney World took their name off the roller coaster. That Aerosmith's rock and roller coaster, they did not renew the contract. But I do have a little like Disney adult information for you.
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And best to you out there in the podcast universe. We're running up to the Christmas tree. Oh, my God!
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They will be putting the Muppets on that rock and roller coaster. So it now will be the Muppets rock and roller coaster. And let's be honest, that's a much better call. Do you want the guy high on Percocet? Yeah. Or do you want Gonzo high on Percocet? Gonzo, of course.
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All right. Well, listen, it is the 12 days of TCB. We are so happy to have you on board. Until Christmas Day and then beyond, actually, probably. We should call this the 15 days of TCB because that's how long it's going to go on. 15 straight episodes of the commercial break. Actually, when you count them all together, it's 20 straight episodes of the commercial break. So congratulations to you.
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You, while you're listening, I have no idea. Yeah. Can we dethrone Kylie now? Is that okay? Have we put in our time? Have we done enough? Can we get on top? Yeah. So the 12 days of TCB. During the 12 days of TCB, we're going to be reviewing content, events, and stuff that we've spoken about over the year that we've enjoyed. We're going to revisit it.
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Today, we're going to get into some Ask TCBs that I have stuffed away for good measure. But I've put a twist on it, Chrissy.
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I'll get to that on the next segment. Yes. I'll get into that next segment. But I did want to say that also we'd like to do a little good during the 26 days of TCB. Yes. And so Chrissy and I have both thrown a charity into the mix, and we'd like to review those two charities one more time. St.
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Jude's Foundation, they provide free health care, absolutely free, including travel and food and everything a family needs to get through a very difficult time, typically kids with terminal cancer or some kind of cancer that's really bad. And the family goes to the hospital, and they get the best care in the world for children's long-term disease care. So the St. Jude's Foundation, the St.
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Jude's Hospital, we'll put a link in the show notes. And also, Chrissy.
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It's a great drop, Christina. Thank you very much. We can't go on an entire 12 days of TCB without homage to one of the best Christmas movies of all time. We just reviewed them yesterday as per town and country because that's where we get all of our... That's where you get all the great information.
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Yes, Chrissy's sister passed away suddenly from breast cancer and the worst kind of... Yeah, a year ago. The worst kind of worse that you can get. And so there's going to be a cure in our lifetimes. I can feel it. Cancer probably will...
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will affect you in your lifetime whether or not it affects you or someone you love the cancer rates are so high and so we need to fund people who are trying to find vaccines and cures for these terrible illnesses as these rates of cancer skyrocket um So please do us a favor. St. Jude's Foundation, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund. We'll put a link in the show notes.
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We have nothing to do with this. You go, you donate directly to them. We are just putting shedding a little light on two of our favorites and more to come. You've also sent some into us and we'll get to it. So let's take a break and we'll be back with more shenanigans.
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This episode is sponsored by Prealcohol from ZBiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, checklists to get done, and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make indeed.
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That is until I found pre-alcohol. Z-Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. And here's how it works.
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Take care of my 12 to 13 children. Still record an episode of the commercial break and make it to bedtime with a little bit of energy left in the tank to watch bad television. I know that pre-alcohol has done its job. And with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual.
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Town & Country, page six, the New York Post, and Google's new Gemini. And BuzzFeed. Yeah, BuzzFeed. BuzzFeed. Does anybody read BuzzFeed anymore? I think a lot of people do. I know. It's still out there. Do you do BuzzFeed? No, I'm an adult.
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But with pre-alcohol, I can stay on track and not let the holiday season... throw me off course go to zbiotics.com slash commercial to learn more and get 15 off your first order when you use the code commercial at checkout zbiotics is backed by a 100 money back guarantee so if you're unsatisfied for any reason they'll refund your money no questions asked
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Remember to head to zbiotics.com slash commercial and use the code commercial at checkout for 15% off. Thank you to Z Biotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier.
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Okay, so one of the favorite things of the audience, apparently, is when we do Ask TCB. And a lot of people send in questions, but we have just been typically terrible about staying on top of those. So we're usually six months to 12 months behind anybody's Ask TCB. So whether or not they get the advice on time, I just don't know. And I'm really sorry about that.
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We'll try and be better in the future. But here's what I wanted to do. I took some Ask TCBs that we've had in the can for a very long time, Chrissy. And since it's likely that these people no longer need our advice, because, I mean, it's just... It's been so long. It's been so long. I have decided to put a twist on this.
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I have decided to ask AI to ingest the question and any identifying information about the person, name, age, location, throw it into AI, and I ask them... Whabam! Whabam! Bam! Changed it into a story that we can read here on TCB. What do you think? Perfect. I love the idea. I thought, let's do it with a twist. I mean, some of these were like short, half questions.
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They turned into days-long stories. But I thought, we'll take two of our favorite things to talk about right now, AI and our fans, and we'd mix them together into a cauldron of fantastic questions and answers. You'll get the worst advice from AI forever. I should have asked AI to answer the questions. That's what I thought you were saying. No, no, no, no, no. I asked him to spin the question.
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We still have to answer. Okay. So I think if you wrote in, you're probably going to get that this is you. Are you ready? Yes. All right. Okay. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to my – I want to welcome you back to my favorite comedy podcast. AI is not working so well today. It doesn't understand plosives. It's your girl, 28 and single, living the dream.
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If that dream involves an alarming number of bad dates and a questionable amount of takeout food – I just decided now likes takeout food. So let me paint you a picture. I don't mean to brag, but I'm like a solid 8.5 on a good hair day. 9.5 if I just left the salon. And let's be real. That's pretty intimidating.
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I mean, I walk into a room and it's like I'm a lion in a room full of gazelles, except the gazelles are just guys awkwardly sipping their drinks trying to remember how to engage in conversation instead of staring at me like I'm the last slice of pizza at a party.
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AI has gotten really wet. And let me tell you, this was one of the questions that was like half a paragraph long, okay? Then there was Mr. Too Much Information. He was this guy. We went to a cute little Italian place. It had ambiance, candles, and the whole nine yards. And then within the first 15 minutes, he started telling me about his childhood trauma. Like, who does that?
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That was a very abrupt ending to our music. But that's okay. Leave it like that and we'll just... Merry Christmas. Fuck you and the Christmas music.
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At one point, I was genuinely concerned he was going to pull out a PowerPoint presentation about all his little feelings. I mean, I'm all for Mr. Emotional Vulnerability, but let's save the therapy session for when we're at least Facebook official. Yeah, he officially got off the track. And then there was the one who thought he was a comedian, Dade. Listen, I love a good joke.
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This is about me, probably. I love a good joke, but this guy's idea of humor was telling me how he once dressed up like a giant hot dog for Halloween and got kicked out of a bar. I mean, I'm all for invasing my quirky side, but I didn't sign up for a stand-up routine about condiments and buns. By the end of the night, I was pretty sure I'd just been on a date to the worst improv comedy show ever.
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No, that's the commercial break, my dear AI. So here I am asking you all for advice. How do I navigate this dating nightmare? I mean, do I start carrying around a sign that says, please don't panic, I'm just a regular girl who enjoys Netflix and pizza? Or should I start adopting cats and embrace my future as the crazy cat lady who has a podcast about dating disasters? Help me out.
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How do I find a guy who can handle my beautiful chaos without running for the hills? Now, you ready for the original? Yeah, I was going to say, what's the difference between... Hey, TCB, I love your show. I am 29 and single. So AI decided to make her a year younger. For what reason, I don't know. I'm 29 and single living in Chicago. I would consider myself a pretty attractive girl.
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And I've always had a problem being intimidating to men who think I'm, quote unquote, too hot.
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I just asked it to take the question, make a story that's interesting for for our podcast, essentially. Right. Can you. So then some of this gets gets put into this. And she says, you know, help me out. How do I find a guy who can handle my brains and my beauty without being intimidated? I'm just a regular girl. Right.
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So essentially, I think what she's saying is that she's an attractive woman and she finds that the guys that she's into find her intimidating. And yeah. Well, first of all, congratulations on being beautiful and congratulations on thinking you're beautiful. Yeah, I think that's amazing.
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Oh, it did? Oh, okay. There you go. It wasn't my fault. It's the cuckoo roadcaster is going on. Yesterday it just started blinking out. So if it does that during the episode, then no one will know because they just won't hear anything.
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best part about this this email that you wrote to us is that you have a degree of confidence in yourself and that is always going to be attractive and that is always going to be intimidating to no matter who it is whether it's a guy or a girl confidence is intimidating because let's face it most people lack confidence they just do um look at me i lack all kinds of confidence how do i make up for it i come on the commercial break and pretend like i'm a big shot
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But the truth is, I get intimidated by beautiful women also. But here's the thing. If you're really just a regular girl and you're approachable and you're humble and you have this quiet confidence about you, but you just like to do the regular things that everybody else likes to do, then I would suggest the following. Do not go on the dating apps because guys are going to swipe right on you.
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But then when they connect with you, they're going to feel a certain amount of intimidation because you're beautiful. Number one, find people in social situations because then it's easy for them to get to know you without staring at you. And vice versa. For you to get to know them. Right. Number two, wear a bag on your head. I mean, that's the only thing you can do. Right.
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When you're that beautiful walking around life, I mean, it must be difficult. What's the website where you can go? Only beautiful people. What's that website where they are the the dating app where you have to be like they have to approve you. You have to look a certain way.
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No, Raya's for famous people. There is a dating app where you have to be approved by other people that you're good-looking enough to be on the website. Social situations. People need to know your personality along with your good looks.
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If they're just looking at your good looks, they're going to be intimidated and they're going to start acting like dipshits right off the bat because that's what guys do. They stumble over themselves sometimes with a beautiful woman. And so I think that's probably why you're finding it difficult. Yeah.
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Also, maybe I suspect that, you know, I don't know, but maybe you're a little bit more difficult than you think you are. That might be something to think about, too. What is the website? Did you find it?
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Yeah, Elf was on – I think it was last night Elf was on, and my kids were watching it. And I just love the movie. I just love it. It's so near and dear.
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Imagine a fucking committee to get on a goddamn dating site.
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That's not real. Can you imagine if AI is now... Yes, I can. It's happening. I mean, it's hard enough out there in these streets. And then you've got AI making a decision about whether or not you could be on a dating app. That's pretty fucking shitty. And then you have to put yourself in the shoes of people who do not get approved. That must be a real fucking blow to your ball.
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That's what I read. Social proof. Yeah, you're right. There was this thing that – There's a term that was going around for a while called, and we referred to it as social proof, right? Like if you have a restaurant, social proof that other people like it will drive people into the door, you know, posting about this or posting about that. I love this restaurant. This food is good.
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Near and dear to my heart. And there's absolutely – I mean, like, there's sweet moments in it, right? But it's not some pious, preachy Christmas movie. It's not It's a Wonderful Life. It is just on the surface a – Grown up acting like a kid and getting away with it. And I just find it to be very lovely.
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The wait staff is amazing. That's social proof. Your friends like it. And so you're then likely to go try it if you're out for a new good time. And now I can start to see, I do think that people in general are moving away from posting on Facebook because let's face it, it's just a shitty platform with a lot of old people. It's like Nextdoor. Facebook is turning into Nextdoor.
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But Facebook dating, and when you sent me that, I did some research, Facebook dating has exploded. Because people can then see that they have friends in common. They can read comments. You don't have to be matched with someone to see people. And it's free. Yeah, and it's free. It's more of an inviting experience. Now, I would never go on Facebook to do dating, but that's just me.
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We did, but that was different. That was a long time ago when Facebook was still a thing and you would message people, number one. Number two, we didn't get connected by Facebook. Like I would have never seen Astrid had someone not pointed. I mean, maybe I would have, but had someone not pointed out that she was in fact there. So that took a real life social situation for us to get connected.
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Are people in your circle using Facebook dating?
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Well, I mean, okay. Is there anybody that you know?
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He's got his fingers in all of the pies. He's a finger pirate. He likes to finger pies. He's always fingering pies, that Mark Zuckerberg. And he's just creepy. Let's be honest about it. He's like, I think, I think Mark, if you want to, like someone goes, what is AI? Look at Mark Zuckerberg. I think he is literally a creation of AI. A DNA pool put together in some weird laboratory.
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He doesn't even talk like a human being. He's so strange. But he's got the kids' attention. What can you say? And Facebook Marketplace, by the way, I have been to the local police department at least... 12 times in the last three months dropping off stuff because we have sold stuff on that Facebook marketplace. And thank God because this podcast ain't making any money.
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Okay, you ready for another one? I'm ready. Here we go. The AI put the subject line, help, my husband's fantasy life is a little too adventurous for me. Oh, this one was interesting too. You ready for this? Yes. Okay, long time listener here, and I've got a hilarious yet slightly perplexing situation that I need your advice on. So strap in or strap on because this ride's about to get bumpy.
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I have to let you know that the podcast world has been shaken up, Chrissy, by yet another addendum.
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I'm 33, happily married for three years to the love of my life. Let's call him Mr. Go-Getter. We met at a restaurant where he was the adventurous type and I was, well, let's just say my idea of spicing things up was bringing home a new flavor of Ben and Jerry's.
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He brought a whole different vibe, suggesting threesomes when we were dating, which honestly made me feel a little bit like I was auditioning for a role in a very bizarre film. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no prude. I can be adventurous in my own right. But when he suggested a threesome with a man, I thought, wow, I am definitely not ready for this level of team building. Yeah.
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The only thing I want to build a pillow fort for is Netflix binges, not a harem. Fast forward a few years, and recently I've discovered that Mr. Go-Getter has been watching a lot of porn. And it's not just any porn. We're talking about the whole library of gay male porn. I mean, I always knew he had a diverse taste, but this is next-level shit.
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I'm married to someone who has been secretly training for the Gay Olympics. Ha! And I didn't even get the memo. Now I'm sitting here wondering if I should be flattered or concerned. Is he secretly harboring a desire to join a male review? Should I be preparing myself for a romantic dinner where he suggests I wear a glittery bow tie to match his new interests? This is the AI? This is AI doing this.
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Okay. Is AI slightly homophobic or am I just reading this the wrong way?
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It's AI, but I will say AI didn't veer too far off the track here and I'll explain in a minute, okay? I'm all up for exploring new horizons, but I didn't think we'd be sailing into the waters of what's under the rainbow. So here's a question for you, oh wise and hilarious podcast host. How do I approach this situation?
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Should I dive into a conversation about his newfound interests without sounding like I'm about to launch into an intervention? Or do I just embrace my new inner wild woman and join him in a research session? Note, I'm open to the idea of glitter, but I'm not sure how I feel about the bow tie. Thanks for reading and keep those laughs coming. Okay, ready for the real one? Yes.
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Hey, Chrissy and Brian, I have a very interesting and perplexing situation going on in my personal life. I have been happily married for three years. And when I met my husband, I knew he was a bit of an adventurer. He would oftentimes ask us to do threesomes. And one night when we were engaged, he asked if we could bring a man into the bed, to which I replied immediately, no, I'm not up for that.
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Episode number one dethrones Joe Rogan, who has been king of the podcast world forever and ever. Amen. As long as I have as long as I have been around podcasting, Joe Rogan has been at the top. And I imagine he will be again. But Kylie Kelsey. dropped her very first episode of her very first podcast, and she dethroned Joe Rogan. Good for Kylie. Yeah, good for Kylie.
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Now, years into the marriage, I have discovered that my husband has quite the taste for gay porn. We haven't really talked about it. We still continue to make love as a couple. But I have a feeling that he is ready to adventure outside of the relationship to essentially tickle. She says tickle his fancy. And I think what he means is like go out there and get a taste of what it's like.
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I'm a little bit concerned that he might be undercover and he may find more interest in having sex with men. Do I ask him about this and bring myself into the conversation and agree to a threesome that makes me a little bit uncomfortable? Or do I just allow him to explore his other side in secret? Asking for your advice. Thanks so much. Love you all. I don't
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Well, she wouldn't have written in if she was okay with just keeping it a secret. I mean, if you do, like, okay, so she got an indication early on that he might be up for a little, you know, a little play with some, you know, a little ball play, so to speak.
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No, of course not. Yeah. I think maybe it's just a fantasy that you have or it's a fetish that you have or you like watching your wife or a significant other get cucked. I don't know. There's lots of different flavors out there.
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Lots of different flavors. And you can't make assumptions just because someone likes something that they are a certain way. And let's be real about it. Many people are finding themselves to be much more fluid than we ever thought. Lots of people don't fit into a box. And especially in 2024, I think it's more acceptable than it ever has, has been not to fit in a box.
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And it sounds like this guy doesn't want to fit into boxes. He wants to have people's boxes fit into him. So She moves forward a couple of years in the marriage and finds out that he secretly has maybe a porn addiction to men. Maybe this is just a fetish that he has. Maybe this is like a phase he's going through with the porn. But secrets are going to burn. They're going to burn.
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They're going to burn you. They're going to burn him. They're going to fester. You're already upset about it because you're writing a fucking podcast about this.
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You know, if you were okay keeping it a secret, you wouldn't have said anything. By the way, this is signed anonymously, so she did not leave her name. I would advise you to sit down with your hubby and be like, remember that time you wanted me to get spit roast? Are you into men? And if you are, is this something that we need to explore together?
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Or do you need to have a night out with the boys, so to speak? I mean, if you're up for it, like... Here's the problem is that if he continues to go down this rabbit hole, things that you watch often on porn, I imagine, often become fantasies that you feel like you want to live out in real life. And then, you know, let's be honest about it. You know, this happens all the time.
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That business trip to Vegas. One minute you're watching a little toe porn. The next minute you're sucking feet in Thailand. That's how it happens. Not that I would know, but that's what I know. Yeah, I think it's the best advice I can give you is that communication is always key. It is. And you can talk it through.
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And if your husband's secretly undercover, well, I mean, he's having sex with you, so he can't be that undercover.
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Right? He just probably likes to swing both ways and, you know, either let him have a night out and have that conversation.
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If you're okay with that. Or invite another guy into the bedroom if you're okay with that, I suppose. I think it's the best advice I can give. Keep on listening to the commercial break. Keep your marriage together. Sorry it took me six months to answer that question. You're probably divorced at this point. You've been waiting for that free advice to come your way.
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Send some magic this way, Kylie, please. It's just like another addendum to the Taylor Swift era. It's amazing to me how incredibly popular those Kelsey brothers have become. They have the number two or three podcast. They do. And then Kylie Kelsey, husband of a person, of a brother who was dating a girl who happens to be famous. It shows you that there's a very low bar to entry in our world.
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So AI is making very interesting stories out of all this. This is really fascinating to me how AI takes a little bit of information and then can generate a whole thing. Yeah. And you just have to feed it just a little bit of information. Hold on one second.
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No, it's a different one. Okay. Oh, this one's interesting, too. Okay, ready? We'll do one more. Do we have time or should we take a break or a couple minutes? Okay. Long-time listener, first-time emailer, buckle up because I've got a wild tale that's equal parts romantic comedy and sitcom episode gone wrong. I'm single and living my best life in a cozy little apartment. But here's the twist.
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I live next door to a super cute lesbian couple. I mean, they're the ultimate power couple. Think Beyonce and Jay-Z, but with a lot more flannel and a few too many houseplants. Oh, my God. That's funny. And this is AI. This is AI. And here I am, the single gal next door who can barely keep a cactus alive. But here's where it gets juicy.
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The single girl next door. Girl. Got it. Okay. So there's a gay couple, two women living next door. She's a single woman.
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But here's where it gets juicy. I've developed a full-blown crush on one of the women. Let's call her hot neighbor number one. I'm pretty sure she likes me too. I mean, we've had some eye contact and it could melt a glacier. I also swear I caught her giggling at my attempt to carry groceries one trip like I was some kind of Olympic athlete.
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Spoiler alert, I dropped a jar of pickles and it shattered everywhere. Wait, this is a story. Yes, this is AI making up a total story. It's so weird. It's so strange. Now I'm convinced that there's some cosmic connection happening here. Since we all share a wall, I've been blasting my favorite songs and belting out the lyrics like I'm auditioning for The Voice.
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I mean, if she's not into me, she might be after hearing my rendition of I Will Survive. Yeah. P.S. I can't carry a tune to save my life. So here's my dilemma. How do I profess my feelings for Hot Neighbor without it turning into an awkward episode of what not to say to your lesbian neighbor?
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Should I knock on the door and say, hey, I'm totally crushing on you, and it's not just because I'm desperate for a friend with better taste in houseplants? What's up with the houseplants?
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AI? Lesbians in the houseplants? I don't know. I can already picture the... Oh, wait. Or should I slide a note under her door like a high school love letter, complete with doodles and maybe a coupon for a free coffee? Well, AI, if they're living together, you don't slip a love note under the door. No, no.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
I mean, I want to make my move, but I don't want to end up being the neighbor who makes things weird. I can already picture the awkwardness running into her at the mailbox and... After I've confessed my feelings and she's like, thanks, but I'm kind of into this other woman. Right. So help a girl out. How do I navigate the neighborly crush without becoming a full-blown kind disaster?
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Original email. Hey, TCB, best to you. I am a gay woman living in a small apartment in the Northeast. I happen to live next door to another gay couple, two women. One of them is extremely hot, and I find myself crushing on her. I think we are into each other based on some looks and a few things that have been said during social conversations.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
I would really love to tell her my feelings, but I have no idea how to do that. Any advice? For a lonely, lost lesbian. Do not say the feelings. Do not say the feelings.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Okay. All right. Okay. You could do that. Well, listen, you know, like we said, things have gotten very open in 2024 and lots of people swing lots of different ways.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
You can't ruin the power because you've decided you have a crush on one of you have hallucinated that she has a crush on you. Additionally, I mean, might be true. But yeah, I've had these fantasies before in the past when I was young, like one of the girls in the cup, you know, there's a couple and one of the girls is hitting me.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Now, one time it happened to be true, but the husband was asking me to sleep with his wife. So that's how I got that's how I picked up on the information that it was OK to do that. I'm telling you right now, I don't think it's a good idea that you should profess your love. Maybe a dinner is a good idea or move. You're stalking this poor woman. Leave her alone. Leave Brittany alone. All right.
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Let's take a break. More fun with STCB. We'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Number one, we had reported a couple of weeks ago, and I say reported very loosely, because that's like Joe Rogan showing up at the White House press corps. But we had reported... We had reported that Jamie Foxx had said in a stand-up special he did here at the Fox Theater in Atlanta, people had said that he addressed rumors that he had been poisoned by P. Diddy.
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Okay, all right. One more AI-twisted Ask TCB, in case you're just joining us, which you wouldn't be because you'd be listening to the entire episode unless you're skipping around like an idiot.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Basically, I took old Ask TCBs that I never got to because I'm bad about that and I'm sorry, but I took it and I threw it into AI and I said, make an interesting story out of it and spit it back at me because sometimes these are like, you know, a couple sentences long, but I just wanted to see what AI was going to do with it. And guess what I got? More trash. It's basically trash.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
it is but it's romance novel trash it seems like it's interesting that's the vibe that it is interesting isn't it and it only takes like a little bit of information the original question in any kind of identifying information and then i say i know we're totally fucked we are so fucked yeah oh man oh chrissy you got me there i take back when i said we weren't fucked we're We're fucked. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Oh, this is a good one, and I think we can chew into this one for a minute. Brian, help. My son is living the restaurant rock star life.
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Hey, Brian, big fan of the podcast here. 41-year-old woman living in Ontario, and I'm reaching out because I've got a situation with my 20-year-old son that needs some solid comedy wisdom. Who better to ask than you? My son is working as a bartender.
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Let me tell you, it's like watching a live action version of Cheers, except instead of Norm, we've got my kid doing tequila shots with all the regulars. I mean, I worked in the restaurant business in my 20s, so I know it can be a wild ride, but this boy is living like he's in a rock band.
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He's coming home at all hours, sometimes smelling like a cocktail and looking like he just finished a set at a dive bar. Last week, he stumbled in at 3 a.m. and I swear he was trying to convince me that he was just practicing, practicing being drunk. I mean, I get it. Who doesn't want to be the next Tom Cruise and cocktail? Tom Cruise and cocktail AI. Are you? What year are you referencing?
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That's true. But I didn't think it would involve my son turning our living room into a makeshift bar with a collection of empty bottles and ashtrays. And let's talk about the revolving door of ladies he's bringing home. It's like I'm living in a sitcom where every week it features a new guest star. I'm just waiting for the laugh track.
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Except I'm half expecting one of them to pop out of his closet next, holding a cocktail shaker and asking if we have any fresh limes. I'm not sure if I should be concerned or should I just start taking notes for my next reality show. That's an idea. TLC.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
And that was the mysterious illness that kept him in the hospital here in Atlanta for a month, two months, something like that. And there was no information as to why he was in this hospital. People just knew he was very sick. And there was no information coming. So... People said that when he did his stand-up special, he in fact said, I was poisoned by P. Diddy.
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Wait until I tell you about TLC's brand new reality show that I cannot wait to watch. So here's where I need your advice. How do I approach my son about his fast-paced party animal lifestyle without coming off like the cool mom trying too hard or the concerned parent who just sounds like a buzzkill? Should I invite him to a family dinner and casually drop some life advice between bites of lasagna?
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Or do I set up a surprise intervention with a PowerPoint presentation, second PowerPoint reference in three emails?
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No. Yeah, who uses PowerPoint? Someone says they're sending me a PowerPoint and I immediately go, not for me. Help me out here because I want to keep the lines of communication open without losing my sanity or my son. Thank you for any laughs or wisdom you might share. Thanks, AI.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
All right, the original email, let me just like, I'll put a summary to it because it's also very long and I don't want to get into every little inch of it. But basically, this lady is in her 40s. She does have a son that's 20 years old that's working in the restaurant business for like the last two years. He's really gone off the deep end. He's bringing like new girls home.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
It is. It is time for baby bird to fly from the nest. If you are a bartender, you should be living on your own because that's a lifestyle. You don't throw on anybody else except for another bartender. That's it. That's the only reason. Or a server. Or a server, yeah. Someone else that works till 3 a.m. in the morning.
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Listen, there's no advice I can give you because this kid is going to live his life. This is basically the closest you're going to be to Dave Grohl from the Foo Fighters is being a bartender at a popular bar. That's it. I don't know what else to say. If you're into the ladies, there's going to be lots of them. If you're halfway good looking, they're going to come home with you.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
You are drinking, you are drugging, you are having a party. The only advice I can give you as a parent myself, who hopefully does never have to deal with this, you need to just tell him to be careful, wrap it up, be consensual, and don't get crazy on the cheese whiz because the cheese whiz can get crazy on you. That's it. That's all I got to say. And take an Uber. Take an Uber. Yeah, take an Uber.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Not too much nose candy. About an eight ball a night is probably the max. That's a sweet spot. That's a sweet spot for me. An eight ball, a couple of Percocets, six to 12 Bud Lights with a couple of whiskey drinks and a pack of six. One pack of cigarettes per night. If you're going for the second pack of cigarettes, you're over the eight ball limit.
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And then there's no reason to be out on the streets. Listen, the gas station guy knows. He knows. He knows when you're walking in at 430 in the morning for a pack of Camel Lights that you're fucked up.
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No, that's the other thing that I'd say. If he's a bartender at a popular bar, the guy is making loot, right? I mean, bartenders make good money if they're good at what they do.
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They make good money. If they make good money, they likely can afford a place on their own. I know Ontario right now, which she did right from Canada. I know Canada is having some inflationary problems. Everything is very expensive up there, just like it is here. But tell him to get a roommate. Get a roommate. That's it. Get a roommate. Let them live their best life.
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If he's smart like I was, by the time he's 48, he'll decide to calm down a little bit. Right.
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Now that the special is being previewed, we have yet again gotten it wrong, Chrissy. That is not what Jamie Foxx said.
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Yeah. Just tell him, listen, you know, when you're working in the restaurant business, it moves at a fast pace. It really is the rock and roll lifestyle. It's just close to being a rock star as you can come without being an actual rock star. And it's fast and it's loose, but mistakes happen and people get in trouble and you have to be careful.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
So explain to him that just don't go crazy on the drugs. Always take an Uber. Always make sure it's consensual and wrap it the fuck up. Because the last thing, the thing that will cramp your bartender lifestyle is a child. How do I know? I've got 40 of them. And they cramp my style. All of them. I can't get a fucking good night's sleep here.
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Grandpa. I'm a man. Not you. I was talking to her. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
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Yeah, to the AI. Yeah. Plus, when he... Yeah, to AI. Exactly. Exactly. Tom Cruise cocktail PowerPoint presentations. That's what we've learned from AI. We are all fucked. You're right about that, Chrissy. Here's the other thing that I have to share with you. You won't be so incredibly worried about your son when you don't know every machination of what's going on.
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No, you don't even know what time he's coming in. You don't even know who he's coming home with. You don't need girls popping out of the closet. That kind of shit is free. If girls are popping out of the closet, call the police, honestly. Like your son's a creep. Girls are popping out of the closet. Well, there you go. That's a twist. There you go. Ask AITCB. There you go. Bam!
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Jamie Foxx didn't say that. Jamie Foxx talked about rumors that he had been poisoned, to which he said, I don't know about that. Like, I don't have any information on whether or not I was poisoned. I wasn't poisoned.
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Silly romantic love stories made up whole cloth by AI for one reason I don't know.
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It's like I just put a little AI, you know, I don't know, child worker to like, you know, here, go write some stories for me.
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Yeah. Here you go. Here you go. Just feeding you. They're all coming up to the surface and biting. All right. You ready? Before we go, I got to tell you about TLC's brand new reality show starting in January. It's a girl who has severe Tourette's syndrome and she's trying to find love. I could not wait for this show. Oh, yeah. She's cute.
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She's got like Tourette's, like the kind of Tourette's where you yell and scream things. And one of the trailers has her in an airport and she's waiting in line for her security. And there's pictures of guns, you know, don't take guns. And she's screaming, I have a gun! I have And I'm like, oh, but she's dating a guy, like another handsome man.
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So TLC just continues to knock it out of the park, fetishizing all the weird things that go on in this world. And what can I say to TLC? You're making a living off the backs of people. But hey, listen, if you become a reality star, right, even on the fetishizing of your Tourette's syndrome, I mean, I guess that's not a terrible thing at the end of the day. No, just careful in the plastic surgery.
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Those people deserve all the shit that they get.
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Yes. It's awful. They have turned into caricatures of themselves. Yeah. I don't even know.
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You know, I'm watching so many Instagram reels about so many, mainly women, but it's happening to men too, whose fillers are just out of control now. They're migrating all over their face. They're getting weird. Stacey and Darcy are two of these who just had so much work done, so many fillers put in, that their lips look like balloons. Their cheeks are almost closing their eyes completely.
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That sounds like, I have no reason to believe otherwise, but isn't that what everybody's saying? Isn't everybody saying they left the party early? So who in fact stayed at the party? If everybody left the party early, who was still there? Was it Jay-Z or Beyonce?
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Their foreheads are lumpy. Yeah. It's weird. Be careful. Be mindful. You're all right. Stacey and Darcy, while not my flavor in women, were beautiful girls in the first place. They were. Yeah. And now not. Yeah. They've always been destined for reality show success. They've been doing this even before TLC. They were making their own reality shows with their dad.
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And the truth is that, you know, they've got those kind of personalities that I guess some people like and they want to follow around and they're interested in the story. You don't have to blow your face up like that. That's just terrible. And now you're going to suffer the consequences. When do those fillers go away? Never, according to some doctors.
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Yeah. The doctors are saying that that doesn't work. Not all of them. Yeah, not all of them.
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One doctor was saying, there's like a doctor on Instagram, and he's a plastic surgeon who does fillers. And he says, when you do the fillers in the lips and some other places, he's like, there's some room for error, right? And if it migrates, it's going to migrate somewhere else in your lips. He's like, but people who are getting like, you know...
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eyebrow fillers, cheek fillers, you know, whatever fillers, chin fillers, all this other stuff to make themselves more defined. He's like, we can try and dissolve those things, but the truth is not all of it is ever going to be dissolved. It's going to live in your body until the day that you die. And he's like, we can't stop the migration from happening.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
We're seeing it happen over and over again. So be careful, kids, with the fillers. And also, the commercial break is now selling fillers. Come on down to TCB Studios. It's a filler party. Yeah, that's the other thing is that you don't even need a license. I mean, you can just fill. Anybody can fill anybody. That's the insane part about it is that there is literally zero regulation on this.
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And you can open up a shop tomorrow, call yourself a cosmetic whatever, and then start filling people. Isn't that true?
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You have to get them. Okay, well, maybe I'm wrong about that.
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Drama drop. Well, here's the other thing. The veneers are out of control. Veneers and fillers. Make sure you do those by someone licensed. And for God's sakes, if you're going to get anthrax put into your eyes, make sure it's by a doctor, someone who actually went to school for that shit. All right. Merry Christmas, everybody.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
All right. Okay, so there you go. Ask DCB. AI-flavored Ask DCB. Yeah, AI-twisted. AI-twisted Ask DCB. TCBpodcast.com. That's where you go. You get more information about the show, all the show notes, the audio, the video. It's all there from one, right there from one location. No need to go anywhere else.
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Wow. I mean, this P. Diddy thing has legs. It's going to keep running for a long, long time. Okay. But it's Christmas and I don't want to talk about P. Diddy. Thank you. Let's talk about number two. I had claimed here on the commercial break that I was, in fact, one of the world's best lip sync detectors. Yes, you did.
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And now every single episode of The Commercial Break is available on video, either on the website, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak, and soon on Spotify. I think we actually, I added a couple episodes yesterday, and I think they're going to start doing that with every episode. So you'll be able to watch it on Spotify if that's what you're into. Why not? I'm into it. Yeah.
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There's no money in it, but whatever. There's no money in this either. That's our business plan. That's our business model. I'm not Kylie Kelsey.
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Yeah, let's do that. Wherever the money is not, let's do that. All right. Yeah, I'm not Kylie Kelsey. I have 75 million people waiting for me to say a word. That's unbelievable. Kylie Kelsey. Who knew?
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Who knew? What did she have to say? I don't even know what she's all about.
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I guess we'll figure that out. At the commercial break on Instagram, if you would, please do go ahead and follow us. TikTok, as long as it's around, TCB Podcast on TikTok. As long as that's a thing. I'll have to go remove my Jamie Foxx video. It was getting attention.
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I'm just perpetuating the rumor he tried to stop.
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Well, God bless. I'm not making any money on TikTok either. 212-433-3TCB, 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas, ask TCB. We'll get to it, or we'll put it in AI and make fun of it. Also, National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, link down in the show notes, as well as the St. Jude Network of Hospitals. Please go donate. They need your money, and they're doing good work.
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Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for right now. I think so. But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, Chrissy and I always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
that I could tell when someone was lip syncing with almost certainty because my eyes are so fantastic, as is my hearing, according to Apple's new hearing test.
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have no family to celebrate christmas with this year the commercial break is live the entire holiday season to make you even more miserable than you currently are so put your christmas pajamas on gather around the christmas tree and listen to brand new episodes of the commercial break
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But I might be wrong because there is a guy who broke down Taylor Swift's concerts, like five of them, layered them on top of each other, took pieces of songs, and then ran it through some very accurate machinery to see whether or not there was a track or if she was in fact singing live. And without any doubt, at least if you take this guy's
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You know, his graphs, his charts, charts and graphs and things that he has. And I don't know who this guy is either. Let me give him a shout out and then you can go watch his video if you so choose. This is, let me give his channel a shout out here because he was the one who, this is Wings of Pegasus. Nothing like Wings of Pegasus to get your...
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Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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I think Wings of Pegasus is going to dethrone Kylie Kelsey tomorrow. Wings of Pegasus did a breakdown, a thorough analysis of... It seems pretty scientific to me, at least. I don't know the first thing about it. And he, in fact, shows that the track that's being used, at least in part of the concert... is the same, the exact same during five concerts. There's no fluctuation in vocal tone.
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There's no fluctuation in timing. There's no fluctuation in texture of her voice or any of that stuff. It's all exactly the same. Now, some people might say, oh, my God, I can't believe I got hoodwinked into watching someone lip sync. And I say, really, who fucking cares at the end of the day? I mean, to get up there. No, it's a whole show. It's a performance. Yeah, to dance and sing.
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And I'm not, like... I think it's pretty well known at this point that a lot of artists use backing tracks or use pre-recorded vocals. And is that, are you there? Like, it's not Bruce Springsteen. You know what I'm saying? You're not there to see a 17-hour concert and watch a band take it to the absolute limit with all its foibles and flaws.
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It's not the Grateful Dead where you go Franklin's Tower into Slipknot, back into Frankenstein.
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franklin's tower and it's seven hours long that's not what you're seeing you're seeing a pop sensation do pop songs and quite frankly you probably do want to hear the album version of those songs like if she was actually singing there might be bad nights and and i i think about this too is when you have such a machine that's running can you afford to have a bad night can you cancel because your voice doesn't feel good can you uh
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Can you afford, can everybody else afford to have those weird fluctuations in vocal tones and textures or ambient noises or whatever? No, you can't. Do you think Live Nation is going to let that happen? So while it looks incredibly convincing, I would say that what I now know is I am not the world's foremost expert on lip sync detection.
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December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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The wings of Pegasus is, and he has determined that Taylor Swift is in fact lip-syncing.
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Yeah, she's got the Disney Plus thing out right now.
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Yeah, they're recording probably another one because people just can't get enough of it. Well, yeah, exactly. Why not? And Taylor's getting paid. Disney Plus had to have paid her $50, $60, $70 million to have that footage be aired on Disney Plus. And I don't know. I'm going to imagine that if my household is any indication, we have probably paid for half of that documentary.
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Because it's not. Non-stop running in this house all the time. And so, yeah, there has to be some cohesion. You tie those nights together, right? You take the good and the bad and you chop it up and you edited it. And that's why you record a couple different nights. And you have to have the same, like... like vocal intonations on the same night.
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So it would make sense that you would have some kind of backing track at least to lead you along so you knew where you were in tune. But this was not the nights where she was recorded for that documentary. This was, in fact, like... It was like Tokyo, Amsterdam... I forget it. Nottingham, England or something like that.
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He takes it and he puts it all together and what comes up, it's like a fingerprint. It matches exactly every night. And that... I guess surprised me because I thought I was pretty good at detecting whether or not someone was lip syncing. But then also you could hear some of like the, what they call the plosives. Listen to my voice. You can hear a plosive, right?
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It's my P's are popping a little bit. And that's an indication that I am in fact doing this live. No lip syncing here. There is plosives in my voice. And so there are plosives in her voice. And I noticed that when I saw her live. And so I thought, oh, clearly she's live. But then this guy shared that that's a pretty common tactic. You go into the studio and you record these live.
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With the plosives. With the plosives. You leave them in so it, in fact, does sound live.
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Wings of Pegasus. I'll tell you what. Youth is wasted on the youth. You know what I'm saying? Wings of Pegasus is probably 19 years old. He's got a million views on one video. He's probably 10. I'm 20. What's that? I said he's probably 10. Nah, I don't think he's 10. He's got a nice guitar. You don't give 10-year-olds nice guitars.
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Oh, it was a video. Oh, it was a video. It was a YouTube video. Yeah, Wings of Pegasus. Check that out.
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Yeah, now listen, Dave Grohl might have been right. Remember when Dave Grohl was making a big stink? He was picking a fight with Taylor Swift saying, at least we sing live or something like that. Do you remember that? Yeah, vaguely. Okay. Well, he was making a big stink and he got all the Swifties all upset at him. And then he said, at least we're singing live.
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And, you know, to which she responded, we're live, isn't it? Or whatever, you know, she said. And the fact remains, it's very possible that that $2 billion concert was just one big miming event. She was out there miming a lot to her own music.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Yeah, this is honestly the least surprising thing I've heard all day. It's more surprising to me that... Jay-Z and everybody else left the party early, then it is that Taylor Swift might be, in fact, lip-singing at least in parts of her show. There's like a part in her show where she sings like this 12-minute song. Don't know what it is. It's about Jake Gyllenhaal, apparently.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
All Too Well. It's a really pretty song, actually. But it goes on forever and ever. There's like a four-minute version and there's a 12-minute version. She plays the 12-minute version at the show. At least she did at the one I was at. And I thought it was a really lovely song. I have to imagine there is no way that that was pre-recorded.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Because it did sound to me at times like she was in or out of tune. And so I thought, you know, that's... And I saw her face. I could see her and her guitar. She was playing the guitar. I could hear the strumming in the monitors. And then I could see that her vocals were there. So... You know, listen, if only...
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
When I was in 33P, we had had the opportunity or the technology to have backing tracks, auto-tune, and someone else sing our songs and create them and write them. It would have been possible that I also would have been a superstar. Because everybody's looking for an aging, bald, white guy with glasses who's over-opinionated, over-caffeinated, and over-stimulated to be a rock star. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Doesn't the world need another Dave Grohl? Doesn't the world need another Dave Grohl? Am I right? Am I right? Is Dave Grohl wearing a wig? Shall we find out? I don't think so, actually.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Dave Grohl should go into hiding. There's a point when you just say to yourself, well, there's nothing good that's going to come of this. Listen, you know, he's a rock star. He's a rock star. You know, I think we put a little bit too much faith in some people sometimes that they're always going to do the right thing. He's a rock star. And also, didn't he like...
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Hasn't he been on a chain of, if you look back on his relationship history, like a chain of cheating on people and then getting into a long-term relationship with them? I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
He got somebody pregnant? Yep, he did. Out of wedlock? Okay. That's also the least surprising thing that I've heard all day. The guy from the Foo Fighters got someone pregnant. Honestly, you go on tour for, you know, 200 nights a year. That's got to be incredibly difficult just to keep the relationship together.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
And then on top of that, all of the temptations and the just the seductions of being out on the road. Plus, you're in and out of touring buses, hotels, you know, like press events, all this other stuff. At some point, that's got to be so stressful and hard. And additionally boring that you just like need to liven it up a little bit. So a little cocaine and getting the locals pregnant.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Santa! Oh, my God! Oh, yeah, guys and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. It's 12 days of TCB, day number three. Jingle to your jangle. Chris and Joy, how are they? Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: You Ask, We Answer
Oh, was it? Oh, well, then fuck him. Yeah. you. It was a one night stand kind of pregnancy that I can understand. Right. OK. Sorry. Whoops. I'm a rock star. What do you want me to do? But then you're doing a long term relationship. Come on, Dave. You know better than that. You drink too much Red Bull to get. I mean, come on, Dave. Let's get it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, we wish you a Merry Christmas it is. All right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, I've sufficiently beat my children into submission, so we shouldn't hear any more of that. Okay, so after my Megan and Harry rant, you remember the first time you went to Jeff's house for the holidays, Jeff's parents' house for the holidays, Jeff's family's house for the holidays. Yes. How was it?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. I think that is, in my opinion, the first time you meet the parents or the parents and then the first time you do holidays together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Those are two big indicators of whether or not things are on the right track. Yes. Are you going to be a fit? You guys can get along just perfectly fine together, but... Do you do well on vacation? Do you do well when you're sick? Do you do well staying together in the same place more than five nights in a row? And do you get together or do you do well at family events, introductions, family?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the mistletoe to my camel toe, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And those family holidays, those can be make it or break it. Because let's be honest, if you go over to your loved one's house and their parents are shitheads or you just don't get along with them or they give you the side eye, it's very difficult to get over that. You don't want to go to your loved one's families forever. holidays, you're likely not going to last very long.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And I have been through this. I know this. I stayed with someone way too long, and their family hated me. And it was very uncomfortable. They hated me so much that I wouldn't even get invited to the holidays. What? It would be like she would just avoid it. You know, well, I'm going to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, so I'll see you on Christmas Day. Really? And I'd be like...
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You, I, you don't want me to come in. No, it's like a pajama party probably. And then I would see pictures on Facebook and there'd be like 12 people over there. Me not included. Fuck you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. It was just a drama or she would start an argument the day before Christmas, even that way. It was, there was an excuse not to have me over. The truth was, I don't think her family liked me. I didn't like them very much. Any, it was a, it was a, it was mutual. Yeah. I don't like you either. Yeah. It was really her stepdad that I didn't like.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But anyway, besides the point, parents have a lot of influence and sway over people's relationships. Families and parents, they can make or break a relationship. And here, while we're talking about this, I'm going to give you a little piece of Brian Greene advice when it comes to families and relationships.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Do not tell your mom or dad, brother or sister, or maybe even best friend about every single argument that you have with your partner. No. Because they will slowly start to despise your partner and it will come tearing apart at the seams when your mother and father tell you that they're no good for you because all you guys do is fight because that's all you talk about is when you fight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. We're doing it. We're rolling through the 12 days, the 13 days, or the 20 days of TCB, depending on how you count it. Don't worry. We'll get our maths right in 2025. Megan and Harry making quite the, having quite the kerfuffle over there at Netflix. Are they? So, I have never really been into the royals.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Okay, sisters, I think you can get... There's like a little bit of an exception there because sisters and brothers, you have that...
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But I have seen this play out in real life where you slowly start to turn people against your partner, even though that's not really how you feel, because the thing that you talk most loudly about or most forcefully about are the arguments and disagreements that you have. And you don't color it in with all the wonderful that they're doing. But you're right. They were bad for me in the first place.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
So fuck them. In the 90s, MTV knew this. MTV knew that parents held the most sway over who their children dated or fell in love with. And they built a whole show around it, Chrissy. And it was called Parental Control. Now, while I was hunting, Christina and I got in a text message chain. She was telling me about another MTV show we may or may not review.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And then that got me thinking about the other dating shows that were on MTV in the 90s and early 2000s that were, quite frankly, fucking insane. They would never fly now. But back then, it was a different time. Parental Control was a short-lived show. I think it was only three or four seasons. But it was a literally... I mean, it's a great concept.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm not sure how well it's done, but it's a great concept. And that is rather than you pick your boyfriend or girlfriend, the parents will. And here's the twist. You already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So it's your parents trying to pick a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, who agrees to go on these fucking shows?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You must be so thirsty when you say, yeah, I'll let your mom and dad pick a new dick. Yeah, no problem. I got that part down. So parental control. I thought it would be a great time this Christmas, now that we're thinking about spending time with family we don't love, to go ahead and review parental control.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, I may need your help. Hi, I'm Eddie. I got it. Ah, there you go. All right, this is an episode... Parental control.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Can I just say the out loud part here? Lauren does not look like the child of the father. I'm just going to share that right now. But Lauren might be adopted. You never know. There's just one problem.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
He came straight out of a Blink-182 video. He's wearing sunglasses, spiky gelled hair, graphic t-shirt, and board shorts. And he got really close to the camera from up to down. Of course. That's all the rage back there. Limp Bizkit.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They bleeped out jerk. They really bleeped out jerk.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
This is the most New Jersey family I've ever seen in my entire life, by the way.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. Teresa Caputo haircut on the mom. Dad's, what does he have, a trash compacting company or something, a construction company? Waste management. Yes. And now the little soprano in training is sitting next to them waiting for the girlfriend to go out on two dates. Handpicked by mom and dad. How do they handpick them? Find them in a grocery store?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I think we talked about this when the queen died and then, you know, we have to be careful. We have a... We have one of those in the building.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm pretty sure the producers just showed up at the front door with these two good necks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
New dick. New dick. No control. This is back when shows actually had an opening, like a theme song. Now it's just, you just go straight into the television show. People don't have the patience for theme songs anymore.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
First of all, when it's break it down. Yeah. Well, now they would say he knows how to dick me down.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Your parents are, though. Yeah. So, Meghan and Harry have broken away from the royals. Okay. Yeah, of course. And they came over here to the United States, I think in the hopes and the wishes, probably the expectation that they would take over America, that they would be the king and queen of the United States of America, at least in a pop culture sense, right? Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
My pretend punching abilities are right here. Wow. Now, clearly, this is just for the camera. This is all scripted, you can tell, because they're poorly saying these lines. But if he really does say things like that to her, then I can understand where these parents are coming from. 100%. Someone's talking like that to my daughter in front of me, and it's game over.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They're outside the MTV Network's building, which is so un-MTV-like. I just have to say that. It's like it's just a normal office building. And they have a line. What I can imagine is clearly set up a shot of a line of guys, maybe 50 of them, standing in line waiting to get the front door.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Was that Nick Lachey? I think it was Nick Lachey. Well, he lasted about as long on this as he does on that Love is Blind. They walk in and walk out of the door. Yeah, that's true. And by the way, I'm making fun of people showing up to the MTV networks. This is the guy who sent in at least two applications to real world. That's right. At least. Yep.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I got to imagine they're like in their early 20s. But yeah, he said I'm a semi-pro babysitter. A semi-pro babysitter.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Hey, listen, that's a guy I can get behind right there. Not the rat trap part. Sorry, you're out. But a guy who actually gets his hands dirty for a living is someone I'm okay with.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Because, you know, Meghan had already been famous here in the United States. And then, you know, everybody loves Harry after his jaunt in Las Vegas with his penis hanging out. You know, everyone was really excited. You remember that? Remember when he was showing his penis in Las Vegas? Good for Harry. Don't stop Harry from having a good time. You can't fault Harry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Nothing like showing up with the graphic wolf tee that's got Mandy Moore on it to profess your love to Mandy Moore. And keep it open, you know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
uh beavis beavis to be fair i think it's the first yeah you set them up for that one yeah i would have said brains but you know okay
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Badonkadonk. Oh, my God. This is a relic. Someone put this in a time capsule.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm not sure who's more thirsty here, the parents or the kids. The parents definitely seem thirsty.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Well, we already know that the parents aren't going to like this guy for stereotypical. Listen, New Jersey drones. That's all I got to say. Jersey drones.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
He said, give me a break, bitch. I'm trying. Nothing like impressing mom. Like calling her a bitch.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
A five some. Intercourse. He said intercourse. Well, at least his expectations are reasonable.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I would like to have... That guy is literally a definition of a lug nut.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, dude, come on, man. You clearly. I mean, is this Joe Rogan? Is this Rogan?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Being a royal has got to suck in a lot of ways. I mean, it's got to be awesome in a lot of ways, but it's got to suck in a lot of ways. So they break away from the Royals. They make the announcement. They come over to California to embed with all the other rich people, Kanye and Kim and all those other people. And then Netflix comes a calling, as you know that they would.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, yeah. 60 is nothing to brag about, bro. First of all. Second of all, we all know who they're going to pick. They're going to pick the dude with the hat who sets the rat traps. And they're going to pick Johnny Come Lately with the Mountain Dew hair.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are crypto bros now. I just want you to know that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I love this music. It is so 2000. Okay, let's do this. Let's see what we got. I'm so ready. All right. That's my baby right there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, are they on a Macintosh 001? I think they're using a laptop to pick. I think so. And MTV has put a, like, has overlaid it with a shot of the six guys that, or nine guys that they're looking at. This could not have been more unrealistic, this show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, the guy who's currently dating their daughter. Yeah, I think he then went on to try on for Jersey Shore. Then he went on to try on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, yes. He looks like a Jersey Shore Reject. He's a punk ass.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Ooh. I mean... If one of my daughter's boyfriends said that to me. No way.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It was either going to be a podcast on Amazon Studios or it was going to be Netflix. And Netflix, being the king of the... streaming world, so to speak, said, here's $100 million. Go out there and make us some fresh content. And Meghan and Harry promised to deliver. And what they delivered was a hot steaming... They walked in the room. They walked in the Netflix executive boardroom.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. Versus the bee. I can't believe his name is really Chad.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Honestly, if there's any reality in this, like if this actually happened, that the new potential boyfriend showed up at a function at the house and you had to sit there and watch your girlfriend go on a date with another guy, that would be torture, I think. Especially for an 18-year-old.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
This dude needs to eat the cheeseburger. He's really skinny. He is very skinny. All right, before we get into the dates, maybe we should take a break. Let's remind you one more time. We would love if you would do some good with us this holiday season and donate to one of the charities. This one y'all picked, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Couldn't agree more on this one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Helping women and children who have suffered at the hands of abusers get back on their feet and make their way in the world. Just like good old Jeremy here is going to have to do after his girlfriend goes out with a real man. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They stood on the table and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd. Because besides that very first reality show that they had, that really, let's be honest about it, while it revealed some stuff about the royals... Was it a reality show?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, and we're back with Parental Control. We're currently watching, what's his name? Can't remember. Jeremy. We're watching Jeremy suffer at the hands of MTV as his girlfriend goes on a date with the real man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Chad, I just can't get over his name is actually Chad.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Ooh, snap. Does MTV pay for the counseling after this? They're going scurfing, by the way, which I've done many times myself.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, that is honestly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Who wants to skateboard on a ten and a half foot long surfboard?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, notice all the kids scurfing out there. I belong to the National Association of Scurfers. I'm a scurf herder, if you know what I mean. And by the way, and we'll talk about this when this is done, but what really surprises me about this is how truncated these dates end up being. Watch. They're going to go skate down one half a block.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They're going to have a little picnic in the park, and then it's going to be done. She's got to choose someone else.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
While it was... Interesting in some respects. It wasn't their story. Yeah, it wasn't that interesting. I mean, let's be honest about it. And since then, they have done almost nothing of note. And now to cap their story. Time at Netflix, the hundred million dollars, one hundred million dollars that they received to create these like four shitty television shows.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Did they put them on cue cards or something? They must. This guy is not smart enough to come up with these on his own.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes, it would. What is the difference between the T-shirt and jeans that the current guy is wearing and the T-shirt and jeans that the other guy is wearing?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
There's no way. Yeah, honestly. They're not married. This is weird. This is weird. It's all weird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, this guy's throwing a fit over here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I had an amazing seven minutes with you. I'm glad. Scurfing is my new favorite sport. I didn't even have a chance to eat a fish taco. Bye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Was it crazy fun? Was it really crazy fun? Yeah. I have a feeling that they picked people who were... The family dynamics were already well established. They know that she's going to pick the guy she's already dating and that this is just like... They're thirsty. They're going on TV to be on TV. Yes, of course this is pretend. You don't talk to your...
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
your loved one's parents like this and expect to get away with it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's got to be her brother. You might be right about this. It might be the brother. Real man's like, Lauren.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They have produced a I guess a 10 part miniseries on Polo, a docuseries on Polo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I just hope Lauren sees in him what I saw in him. Fine, firm arms and a nice round potato bottom.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, both of these dates take place on the same day if the clothing is any indicator because they're wearing the exact same thing they were wearing for the last date.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. I actually wanted to watch that. Bringing polo to the masses. Because, you know, when you have to buy horses, stables, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of veterinary care, and you have to have four horses just to play one match of polo. Four horses.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, I know what happened to Jeremy. He got his GED and now he's working for the local sanitation company selling ecstasy on weeknights at the under 18 club in the boardwalk.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's just like what they told us in the production meeting. We're going to blow leaf. We're going to blow the balls up and down the thing. Did MTV try and figure out the corniest games that they could play with these people? It sounds like it. Why don't they just go on a regular date? Get a cup of coffee. Have dinner. Make out in the back of a car. I mean, what's up with this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Gas, time, money. The good news is, Chrissy, they'll only be playing for two and a half minutes. Any date you've ever taken her on?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Things are getting heated there in the house. Geez. If I'm not dad, I'm just jumping on Jeremy. I'm not talking anymore. Not that I condone violence in any way, shape, or form. But in this case, I might condone violence in every way, shape, or form. Oh, this seems like no fun whatsoever. They're trying to blow an exercise ball with battery-powered leaf blowers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes. And they're six-minute little intervals. I don't know what they call them. Hex or cues or quads. Jaunts. Jaunts. Yeah, jaunt. Four different horses that you switch, like every three minutes you switch a horse and you rest one and then you go. I watched the first 15 minutes of this terrible, terrible documentary trying to make it look like polo is the everyman sport.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, yeah, it does not look like any fun whatsoever.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That date was so fun. Let's sit down here in front of these hot, bright lights and talk to each other.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Juice and oranges. He did not bring juice and oranges. He's an 18-year-old boy. He did not know how to do anything. He doesn't know how to cut up oranges. That's completely unrealistic.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I don't know. They told me to lie about this part. Me and my friends totally came up with it in the production meeting right before we came on here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
We're changing the name of the commercial break to Brian's Escape.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Anybody you're dating. When someone that I know says, I mean, I described one of my girlfriends like this for like four years. She's great. She's just got issues.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That people who play polo are really sports heroes. And that the people around them suffer because of the sport that they play. Sacrifice, toil, and trouble that comes with playing polo in Palm Beach, Florida. Fuck you! Megan and Harry, fuck you. I got to be real honest with you. This is the dumbest fucking idea that they could have possibly had. They make themselves look even more entitled.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm a little wiped out from running a blower up and down the half of soccer field.
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You have great legs that I can feel through these shin guards and these soccer socks.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Okay. Let's make a decision. The moment has arrived, Chrissy. What will she do? Predictions on the table?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I'm going to say she sticks with the current guy that she has. He's got issues. Yeah, he's got issues, but when someone has issues, that usually means everyone has issues. You know what I'm saying? And they've been together for a long time. I know this. Trust me.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Oh, elimination. Oh, elimination time. The stakes are very high. The music very dramatic. Standing in a living room that hasn't been renovated since 1979. Here we go. Wood family.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
And he gave her an ankle massage. I know. Threw her over the sock ankle massage. I mean, that's second base in some religions. It is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
By the way, how much goop does he have in his hair?
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Gel is literally dripping out of the top of his hair.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
They make themselves look even more out of touch. And they put themselves at a level that is unbelievably unattainable. No one can play polo because it's such a fucking expensive sport. Let's not even get into the treatment of the horses. You don't have enough time in your lifetime, in two of your regular lifetimes, to even have one year of polo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Chad, what? What happened to Jeremy? I have to know. I will follow up. I will let you know. Next episode of the 12 Days of TCB, we're going to figure out exactly what happened to Jeremy and whether any of this was real at all.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes, Christina will text me at midnight and remind me to figure out what happened to Jeremy. Or she'll find out, probably before I do. Wow, that really was a terrible television show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
I was too. At the end, despite how terrible it was, and now I remember watching a lot of these episodes. And I always... was so interested in the outcome and always rooting for the new guys because, you know, the old guys were assholes.
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Of course. But you could tell it was all fake as he was walking out of the house and he pretended to throw the camera.
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So obviously terribly fake. But, you know, it was a more innocent time back then.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yeah, early 2000s, for sure. Yeah. Dr. Phil, Maury. No 90-day fiancé, though. None of that. None of that didn't come around until the 2014s, 15s. Anyway, all right. Well, listen. Another day knocked off. Scratch that off our advent calendar, Chrissy. We opened a gift, and it was Jeremy going home. I can see Christina literally scratching it off the calendar. Thank you. I appreciate that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
All right, TCBpodcast.com. That's where you will go to get your free TCB sticker. All you got to do is go to the website, hit the contact us button, drop down menu. I want my free sticker. Give us your address. Away it will go. Also, all the audio, all the video right there on the website. If that's how you choose to listen or watch it, it's all there available to you.
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And now, for your viewing pleasure, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak.com. You can go there and see every episode of the commercial break moving forward on YouTube. Usually drops the exact same time that the audio does on Spotify. We have video a couple of days after the episode drops. So go over there. Like, subscribe, follow all that good jazz at The Commercial Break on Instagram.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
TCB Podcast on TikTok. And 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Let us know how you're enjoying the 12 days of TCB. We'd love to hear from you. And please donate to one of our great causes that we've been focusing on for the last couple of days. We would appreciate it. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe and Jeremy also. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Two of your regulars equal one day of Meghan and Harry. Because apparently Harry can twiddle off to fucking St. Croix and play a polo match while you and I are sitting here doing the 65,000 hours of TCB just so we can pay health insurance. It's fucking unbelievable. It really is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's the audacity to try and make polo seem like an everyman's sport, when what it really is, is like the egotistical, it's like the epitome of obnoxious, rich entitlement, in my opinion. And I watched however long I could digest of this, and all it shows is good-looking, white, rich men Doing nothing but riding their horses along all day. Riding their red rockets as they do.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Boys just mounting things as they do. Shirtless sometimes because let's make sure we get in the abs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Yes, thank you. Let's get to something that's a little bit more realistic. Like, you know, gay guys dolling up straight guys for a hobby. Let me tell you something. If Netflix wants to spend $100 million, they can come here and drop $100 million right here, and I will work so fucking hard to give you the most mediocre content that's ever been produced on Netflix.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It won't be all that good, but it won't be terrible, I promise you. And it won't be about fucking horses and rich people. Meghan and Harry. That's all I got to say. Honestly, I was kind of rooting for Meghan and Harry at some point. I was like, okay, they're getting a bad rap. They're over here. They're just trying to make their way in the world.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But now that this polo thing has come out, I'm 100% against Meghan and Harry.
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briefly okay briefly because you know they don't want to they didn't want it to be a documentary about harry just playing polo but this is such a steaming pile of turd and netflix knows it that there has been no promotional materials made no one has been out on podcasts uh abc nbc morning shows no one's talking about it there are no trailers running around you know other streaming platforms or however they do these things and there's no conversation to our
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
See if you can digest even 30 minutes of this particular show.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It really got my goat. In a time when people are really suffering to make ends meet, and a lot of us are struggling with paying healthcare costs or for feeding our families or getting from point A to point B. Listen, we are blessed that we get to make a living doing what we're doing. Super blessed. And I'll never complain about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
having this job I don't dig ditches for a living I'm not up on high rises you know doing rivets or do they still do rivets I'm not sure do they still do rivets okay whatever it is I'm doing I'm not complaining about doing this for a living what's rivets window washing rivets you know rivets you know the guys that we used to like the iron workers they would do rivets hot rivets they'd throw them to each other in buckets never mind this is a different story for a different day but we don't do rivets and so you know I feel blessed in that sense I really do
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
But to try and make polo approachable, like as if it was something that anybody, that 99.99% of human beings could even pretend to want to do. Listen, golf is bad enough. You really, you have to pay $150 every time. Do you hear that? I have horses running right outside my door. That is unbelievable how loud that is.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
My daughter, one of my daughters is so loud, she walks like her dad does with her heels, and you can just hear it all through the entire house. To make polo try and seem approachable, and that people suffer because of the sport that they play.
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Oh, it's like in the beginning, you know how they say, coming up on this season of, you know, right? It's these wives of the polo players, and they're like... Everybody around him, you know, no one gets enough time from him. Everybody suffers because of polo. Everybody.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Meanwhile, suffering is not drinking, you know, lazy teenies in fucking, you know, Martinique every Thursday on your way to your private jet going to a polo match. That's not suffering.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
suffering is uh being denied health care that's what suffering is and these people have no idea what suffering is because that's not the world that they live in i mean i listen i understand suffering is relative like stress is relative suffering is relative and if you work hard for your money i don't fault you for being a billionaire a millionaire do what you want to do with it but please don't try and pull the wool over our eyes and all of a sudden make it seem like polo is the thing everybody we should have been paying attention to polo all along
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
You look at the formula for a successful sports documentary, docupick, docudrama, whatever it is. Aaron Hernandez story. Aaron Hernandez came from nothing. Now, he did murder a bunch of people. I'm sorry about that. But he came from nothing, right? The guy comes from nothing. Father is abusive. No money in the home.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
and he struggles all his life to be accepted, to figure out who he is, and he becomes one of the better football players. A lot of drama, a lot of strife. In there is brewing a good story for a docu-series or a docudrama or whatever it is. My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can't use him in my polo match today is not anything that I'm fucking concerned with.
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It really isn't, except for the horse that has the strain, quote unquote, because we really know what's going on. That horse is in the glue factory, fuckers.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
fuck you megan and harry fuck you you know who's gonna get mad about this marianne because she is a royalist oh she is she is a royal well actually maybe she's a royalist she won't really care about megan and harry well that's true she's a true royalist right that's true how do your parents feel about megan and harry they hate them of course they do of course i get it are they fans of charles
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As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
It's part of their existence. It is what it is, and they're not really plussed either way. They don't really give a shit. Well, listen, I didn't really give a shit until I saw... The absolute shit show that was Polo on Netflix. I mean, $100 million. $100 million.
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They've had a lot of stuff that's just kind of failed because, let's be honest about it, they're not all that good at making television. There was like this whole expose on the Daily Beast. I know, it's terrible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
There's this whole expose on the Daily Beast or something about this particular series and how the people at Netflix are so frustrated with Meghan and Harry, Meghan specifically, because they had come to Netflix and pitched that they were going to put together a television series called
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docu-series that basically touched people's lives and you know did good work and bridged whatever and then they come to them with this like you know completed polo series and netflix is like what the fuck is that you know what the fuck is this why are we doing this and that's why they're burying it and now apparently what is left in the can is a cooking show by megan and
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That has been sitting on the shelf for like nine months that no one wants to put out there for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't get into the specifics about Netflix. But I'm telling you right now, Netflix could drop a tenth of that, $10 million on us, and we would create some high entertainment. I'd basically just take a camera and watch my kids run up and down the – Oh, my God. Hey, guys.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
Hey, we're trying to work it here. I'm trying not to become the Megan and Harry of podcasting and drop a steaming pile on everybody. I wonder if that comes through on the actual audio. It's got to, right? If it's that loud.
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12 Days Of TCB: Bryan's Escape!
That's the little pitter patter of Santa's elves. I just want you to know that. All right. Well, listen, let's take a break. I'll go yell at my children and give them reason for therapy later on in life. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we're currently supporting. Thank you so much for having me.
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They give money to local organizations that help shelter women and families from abusive men or abusive relationships. And they do financial literacy and education for women who've been in abusive relationships so they can get out there in the world and start anew. It's a great cause that really – there's so many charities out there. I feel like this is one. Sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle.
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Uh, we need it more than ever. You know what I'm talking about? So get off your lazy ass and donate five. Don't be Megan and Harry donate $5. We'll be back.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And he grew up in Cincinnati, I think it was, Cincinnati, Ohio, somewhere in Ohio. And so the movie gets made after the book kind of banters around for a couple of decades trying to find the right writer and director. The movie finally gets made in the early 80s, I think it was, 1983. And it is... A flop at the movie theaters, basically.
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Not a flop, but it doesn't do very well at the movie theaters. Until a burgeoning network, cable network called TBS decides, what can we do for Christmas? It's not going to cost us a lot of money, but might get people to tune in. And they start running it. They run it on a loop for 24 hours. And the rest, as they say, is history.
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As a bunch of children, my age and younger and older, decided that was the movie that we were going to watch because it was on, just on a loop. So you could essentially, you could do anything. You could go and eat some Christmas cookies and come back and it was on again. And it just got embedded into our minds. Really? And now it is a Christmas classic.
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I think there will, other Christmas movies will come along for other generations. But for our generation, for a large, like a 20-year period, that was the Christmas tradition that made us feel this. My mom hated it. Your mom hated it?
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I think it reminded me a little bit of growing up in Chicago, the snowy winters, the being bundled up, the growing up in 1942, the kind of things that I did. Yeah. It's because it's so quotable, and the lines are sparse but funny, and you can get it as an adult and you can get it as a kid. I think that's why we as children started to really identify with it.
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Ah, yeah, cats and kittens, welcome back to The Commercial Break. This is the jingle to my jangle, Chris and Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chris.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And even though the toys that they are obsessing about were nothing like the toys we were obsessing about, there's something charming about... This has... This is less about the Christmas spirit and more about what Christmas really was about when we were kids, no matter what you thought, which was getting a present, getting that present that you wanted.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And then when you're an adult, you see that this really becomes about parenting children and how these moments are special and how they're fleeting and how they come. And so as a parent, I have a new appreciation for it. However, my children do not have an appreciation for it. They don't like that movie whatsoever.
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You've never seen a Christmas story?
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Yeah, yeah. But you've never seen a Christmas story?
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The singing kettle? Yeah. What in the fuck is the singing kettle?
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It's a live performance with puppets and stuff? No, it's okay.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
best to you out there in the podcast universe merry christmas happy holidays and all that jazz we're on day number two of the 12 days of tcb reviewing our favorite content stories and events of 2024 i know you don't like the camera christina but don't kick it over I spent a long time on those wires. Welcome back. We're in the brand new studio.
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You canny shove your granny off a bus.
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It is very silly. And so I'm glad I didn't grow up in Scotland. Yeah. I will say that my children have—speaking of silly songs, my children, I have introduced them to Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Oh, a classic. Which is a Christmas classic. And so now they are running around the house saying, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer, which the Venezuelans don't understand.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
No, they certainly don't. Okay, so we're getting close to a break here. I want to remind you that each day during the 12 days of Christmas, we are going to be asking—or we're going to be telling you about a— Essentially a charity that we have done a little research on and we feel strongly are doing good work out there in society. And we feel strongly that they should be supported in their mission.
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So Chrissy has chosen one. Chrissy, today you are choosing.
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The NBCC, we will put a link up there on the show notes, the National Breast Cancer Coalition and their fund. They do good work. Apparently, most of the money goes to the work that they are doing to support women and help find a cure.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yes. So, yeah. A cause that is near and dear to, I know, Chrissy's heart and my heart, too. So check your tits, check your balls, and support the foundations that are trying to find a cure for this extraordinarily terrible disease that affects many, many women. And men. And men. That's true.
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If you know a man or a woman in your life, if you know a man or a woman in your life, it's likely you're going to know breast cancer at some point. Yeah.
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in your life it is so please go to the link in the show notes we have nothing to do we are not authorized by them we are just saying this out loud uh that we would love it if you would go and visit and if you find it a worthy cause please donate a few dollars this holiday season to support the women and men in your life who may or may not be affected by breast cancer um yes okay so that's it so let's take a break and we'll be back
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
This episode is sponsored by free alcohol from Zbiotics. I am not one to imbibe a whole bunch anymore. I've got 13 to 15 children, checklists to get done and jobs to do. But even with moderation, I don't bounce back like I used to from a night of drinking. I find myself having to make that choice. Can I have a great night or a great responsible day tomorrow? A tough choice to make indeed.
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That is until I found pre-alcohol. Z-Biotics pre-alcohol probiotic drink is the world's first genetically engineered probiotic. It was invented by a PhD scientist to tackle rough mornings after drinking. And here's how it works.
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when you drink alcohol gets converted into a toxic byproduct in your gut it's this byproduct not dehydration that's to blame for that rough next day free alcohol produces an enzyme to break down this byproduct and just as long as you remember to take free alcohol as your first drink of the night then drink responsibly you'll feel your best tomorrow we've now been out for a few nights of drinking where free alcohol is the first thing that i drink let me tell you when i can get up in the morning i
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Christina is here with us and we're celebrating and enjoying the holiday, the very festive holiday time with you by, I don't know, by just generally being festive. We're a little less boring than we normally are. How's that? There you go.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Take care of my 12 to 13 children. Still record an episode of the commercial break and make it to bedtime with a little bit of energy left in the tank to watch bad television. I know that pre-alcohol has done its job. And with the holiday season upon us, I know I'm going to be consuming just a little bit more alcohol than usual.
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But with pre-alcohol, I can stay on track and not let the holiday season... throw me off course go to zbiotics.com slash commercial to learn more and get 15 off your first order when you use the code commercial at checkout zbiotics is backed by a 100 money back guarantee so if you're unsatisfied for any reason they'll refund your money no questions asked
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Remember to head to zbiotics.com slash commercial and use the code commercial at checkout for 15% off. Thank you to Z Biotics for being a sponsor of the commercial break and for making my mornings after drinking just a little bit easier.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Okay, the 12 days of TCB, and we are reviewing 12 of our favorite news events, content ideas, guests. We reviewed guests yesterday, and now we're going to get into some meat and potatoes. Chrissy, we did this in 2023, and we did this in 2022. We did a little year in review, and we managed for one episode on those other two years, but this year we stretched it out to 12 hours of TCB.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And Chrissy, best to you. Best to you. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. You thank you for joining us. How are you feeling? I'm feeling This is a marathon, not a sprint. So I don't want you to get burnt out. I want to make sure you have lots of coffee. You've taken your magic mushrooms and all that good stuff.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Bigger, better, and more complicated than ever. So this year we're reviewing some of our favorite content that we've done before. And no year would be complete without discussing one of our favorite, the mountain monsters in our lives. We love the mountain monsters. What a ridiculous premise. What an absolutely ridiculous show. That really has taken the world by storm, quite frankly.
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There are so many people who like this show. Oh, yeah.
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I think they're on season number 27 or something. They have to be. Good for Buck. I agree. At this point, I'm rooting for him. You know what I'm saying? So Buck and Huck and Chuck and Fuck and all the guys that are in the group and the gang.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
But before we get to reviewing a mountain monsters for our second day of the 12 days of TCB, I wanted to ask you if you've ever heard of any... Are there any holiday monsters that you have heard of besides... Krampus. Are there any holiday monsters that you know of?
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Well, I mean, monsters that might actually exist.
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You've never heard of the Merry Lild?
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Yes, the Christmas zombie horror. All right, here it is. The macabre skeleton mare of the Welsh tradition rises from the dead and wanders the streets with her attendants, who are fresh from the grave, to remind the living of their existence. Mary Lwyd, Lwyd, L-W-Y-D, they should put some vowels in there, L-W-Y-D, Lwyd, has only one goal in mind, and that is to get in your house. Ha!
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To keep the zombie horse out, you must engage in a battle of wits.
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No. Oh, the zombie whores. That's a whole different... I met one of those on Christmas Eve. They met the mirror on the side of my car. To keep the zombie horse out, you must engage in a battle of wits, in rhyme no less, usually on New Year's Eve, where the undead mare is represented by a puppeteer parading a horse skull on a pole draped in a white cloth. Sounds like a ton of fun. I know.
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It's so weird. That is so weird. The babushka, Chrissy. In Italy, Russia, and parts of Europe, we encounter a witch-like lady rooted in the fairy tale figure of Mother Holy. who doles out punishments for the lazy and riches for the hardworking. In Italy, she is known as La Befagna, and in Russia, the Babushka.
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Each January, she packs up and sets off on a broomstick to join the three kings who are seeking the Christ child. She searches every house, and if she finds a child there, she leaves cookies and gifts behind. Well, that's the kind of Babushka I like.
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It doesn't sound very scary. How about the straggle? Have you ever seen the straggle? Ha! Look at that, Chris. Look at that forefinger. The straggle. Yeah, the straggle.
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Yes. I was just watching. I can't remember who the celebrity was. I want to say it's Pete... Not Pete Davidson, but there's another gangly-looking Pete with blonde hair. Do you know I'm talking about the comic? He had an HBO show for a while of his own. He was talking about Magic Mind. Have you heard about this drink, Magic Mind?
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I know this one simply because I was in Switzerland for a while with Astrid, and I had seen something on TV about this. In many places, such as Switzerland... Perchta rides with a throng of demonic-looking helpers known as straggle, who love to participate in the feast of offerings left out for them on Christmas by people hoping for Perchta's blessing of wealth and health in the new year.
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In some places, straggle get to dole out punishments themselves and aren't terribly discerning as they rob all the bad children and tear them to pieces flying through the air. Oh, nothing like the straggler. Don't be a straggler. That is scary. That is scary. Jesus, people are weird. People are weird. How about the bell schnickle?
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In some German and Pennsylvania Dutch communities, bell schnickle, the bell snickle, shows up a couple weeks before Christmas. Filthy and dressed in rags and furs, like my mom used to dress me up for Halloween. Yeah. to beat children who have misbehaved.
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In 1872, a Philadelphia newspaper recounted Mr. Belsnickel, his personal appearance dressed in skins or old claws, his face black, a bell, a whip, and a pocket full of cakes or nuts. And either the cakes or nuts or the whip are bestowed upon those around.
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Back in the 19th century, it was popular for rowdy revelers to go bell-snicking and get drunk, vandalize the city, whip children, and play planks. That's awful. Different kind of corporal punishment. Back when it was fun and there were no consequences. Unbelievable. Drunk adults whipping children. One more here. One more here, Chrissy. The gorilla. The G-R-Y-L-A. The gorilla.
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One of Iceland's most renowned figures associated with Christmas, the gorilla, is a giant troll who is in a perpetual bad mood due to their insatiable hunger.
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Oh, yeah, they do. It's one of those things. They swear they see them. They believe in them. So they're in a perpetual bad mood due to their insatiable hunger. This sounds like both of my children and my wife. Each Christmas, Gorilla comes down from her mountain dwelling to hunt for naughty children.
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She places them in a sack, drags them back to her cave where she boils them alive for her favorite stew.
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Oh, and she has 13 sons called the Yule Lads. There you go. That's where the Yule Logs come from. The Yule Lads.
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The Yule Lads. We wish you a Merry Christmas. We tear apart your small children.
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And eat them for lunch. Boil them. Yeah, we boil them alive. All right, but... Listen, the mountain monsters know better than to talk about eating children on their show. They want to get ratings. So the mountain monsters are at it again, Chrissy, and I just thought because we have done so many mountain monsters over the years.
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In 2024, we've done the fewest amount of mountain monsters that we have since the show started. In our five-year history, four and a half year history, this has been the year where we've addressed the mountain monsters the least. Maybe we should have done more of them. The mountain monsters, but it's still one of my favorites. I think we have to agree. And I think the audience agrees also.
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Absolutely. That the Mountain Monsters is classic TCB. There are now whole podcasts dedicated to making fun of the Mountain Monsters. And it makes me wonder. Let's take the good part of TCB and let's just do that all the time.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Smart idea. I wish we had done that. Cow killing bastard. Exactly. All right, so here the mountain monsters are. There's no preface on this particular video except to say that the mountain monsters are literally in a nightmare. So let's see what happens. Here we go.
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You guys notice that I just said some words and those were the only words we said for the entire hour? Now, you're going to make me believe that these four yellers, screamers, and yappers didn't say a word for an hour.
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I'm not sure Magic Mind has psilocybin in it, but it is apparently some drink that a lot of people that are taking and they feel very good about themselves and the world around them when they take Magic Mind. Yes, so I snorted Crank this morning, and that has made me feel awful good, Chrissy.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Oh, there's a picture of him. Hey, there he is. Wow. I've never seen something so realistic, Chrissy. Look at that picture. That's straight out of a Canon Rebel ES-07. All I can think about...
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Yeah, they're going to pull over and meditate.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yeah, get our heads right. You got to get in the right mindset before the big game, Chrissy. I know, you do. You can't go off willy-nilly into Ashe County, North Carolina, without getting your head right.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Try to find out why this rogue team wants us back to that little red shed. What is a rotine? You know, roti is a certain kind of food they make, traditional holiday food in Venezuela, the roti. Okay. But I don't think that's what they're saying. I think they're saying rotine. If they're taking rotines to the red shed, we might want to censor this episode before it starts.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Well, listen, it just hasn't kicked in yet. My third eight ball has not kicked in yet. Okay, got it. All right. Top 20 Christmas movies of all time, as ranked by who? I don't know. But give me three of them. Tell me three of the top 20 Christmas movies. We're going to review them real quickly. Okay. As ranked by town and country.
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They do. But my favorite is when that, whatever, wild cat. We just got to Ash County, North Carolina.
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Trappers. Yeah, Trappers. It's a local bar, Chrissy. We found Billy down there.
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I like how it said night two of the investigation. Investigation indicates that, you know, you're actually doing serious investigating.
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And that makes it real. I don't think this is the first thing Buck has strapped on. I'm just saying. I bet Buck likes pegging.
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But we haven't really shot anything in the 72 seasons of Mountain Monsters.
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Wait, hold on. They're talking about people? They're ready to go meet people. I guess so, yeah. And they're bringing loaded guns. So now we've just turned into Ash County is just lawless. You just bring your guns. Ready for a gunfight? Uh-huh. This is the real Hatfield and McCoy's right here. Yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
There's a rogue team and a Bigfoot, and Satan is protecting them all. But luckily, we have what look like real guns but are probably water pistols prepared at any moment. to go firing upon anything that moves in the woods, because that is both legal and reasonable to film a reality television show. First of all, second of all, who are these cameras? This is any reality to this.
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Who are these camera guys agreeing to just go behind armed men who are ready to shoot at the rogue team? The rogue team of who?
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I don't know. You think they've been divided? I don't know because there's only three. Well, listen, when Satan is running through the woods, you know, he's bound to catch a couple of them, right? Yeah.
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I don't know what lies ahead of us. I think they've cocked their guns 12 times. Yeah, chick, chick, chick, chick.
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The Martha Stewartists. Martha Stewartists. A magazine that ever lived.
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The red eyes. The red glowing eyes. Well, listen, to be fair, if there is a red devil, he's probably going to have glowing eyes.
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A totem pole. Yes, a totem pole. We found a totem pole. We're now mixing Indian ufology with our monsters. Okay, fair enough. Hey, listen, to be fair, Indians did believe in a lot of this shit, too. That looks like something straight out of Polynesian Resort in Walt Disney World, Florida. That was the fakest looking totem pole I've ever seen.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Huckleberry is naked in the rain. Oh, no. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. I got to take my hat off for this. I cannot believe this. The band is broken up and three of them are on the side of Satan. Oh, no. And he's dressed in a hula hoop or a hula skirt or whatever you call those things.
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It honestly looks like he got lost in a Polynesian resort costume department.
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You're right about that. That's on there.
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Is this a flashback? What is happening? This is a flashback.
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They were there before. We didn't see part one. They're coming back for a second time. We didn't see part one. We're catching up on part two. But now we think we're understanding that the team has literally been split up. The guys are no longer working as one. They are two.
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Listen. Chrissy, far be it for me to get in the minds of genius. I don't know. I'm just a mere mortal. I can't talk about all these, the comings and goings of the mountain monsters, but I will tell you this much. This is going to be an interesting episode. If these guys are fighting against each other. Maybe we'll find them tonight.
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It's a Wonderful Life is on there.
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In a forest. Yes. This trail is still active, boys. I don't even know what that means. It's still active. All right. I think this is a good place to stop. We'll take a break. But I do want to remind people that we are... are focusing a little bit today on one of an organization that's near and dear to Chrissy's heart, the National Breast Cancer Coalition.
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A Christmas Carol, I think, is on there also. Are you ready for them?
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We'll put a link down inside of the show notes. If you're feeling in the holiday spirit and you'd like to save some tatas and some lives, go ahead and donate to the NBCC. We're going to give a direct link. We are not getting in the middle of this. You go there, you donate what you will. That's between you, God, and the NBCC. We'll take a break and we'll be back.
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Okay, I'm going to go 20 to 1. Here we go. They ranked the top 65. How they even came up with 65 movies to rank, I don't know. I'm sure they're out there, but it probably includes Hot Frosty. I'm sure. A national treasure, okay. A national treasure of your algorithm, yes. Your Netflix algorithm. Number 20, The Family Stones.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
All right, we're back here with our boys, the mountain monsters, who apparently Satan has divided so he can conquer. They are in the woods of Ashe, North Carolina. I've never heard of Ashe, North Carolina. I haven't either. But is it near Asheville? Could be. North Carolina makes some sense. They just ran out of names, so they put a ville on the end of Ashe.
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There's Ash, and then there's the Ville of Ash. Okay, there you go. Huck, Buck, Chuck, and Fuck. There's one team of three. It's Chuck, or Huck, Buck, and who is it? Huckleberry. Huck, Buck, and Huckleberry. And then you've got the other guys, the one that screams and the other guys. They're all on the other side doing something.
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So they're running through the woods chasing each other with loaded guns, I might add to you. Former teammates soon to be murdered by their former teammates. Fresh. Yes, it is. That's real fresh. That's some definite Bigfoot sign. How do you know a branch is fresh when it's fallen on the ground? I mean, I'm sure there's a way to tell.
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acquire those skills i guess when you spend all your time by the creek and the whacking tree you know when a fresh stick is you can tell that's a fresh stick chrissy there this is so fresh your limbs wants to have the green leaves look we pick this log up and set it on top of it to hold it down look at that That looks like a fallen tree to me. It does. But I guess that's where, I guess he knows.
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He's clued into some special investigatory powers, allow him to know that Bigfoot has picked up the log and thrown it on the ground, and it's fresh. It's still active, Chrissy. This is still an active investigation. Yeah. They can't give us much information yet, but they do know they're hot on the trail.
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Of course, and then quickly happens. Yes.
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Oh, did you see that right where I stopped it? They seem to have a photograph of a small, miniature Bigfoot. It looked like a miniature Bigfoot. It looked like a child in a Bigfoot costume. Oh, they're going to shoot. Oh, they've got their guns out.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
The Family Stone, 2025. A holiday flick about a dysfunctional family that features an all-star cast, including Sarah Jessica Parker, Luke Wilson, and Diane Keaton. I do like it. It's very good. Last Holiday from 2014. Last Holiday.
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The biggest tree in the forest fell. Only we didn't capture it on camera, unfortunately. But that is fresh, Chrissy. I will tell you, if a tree falls right next to you, that's a fresh fall.
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Let's go back. Let's go. Stay together.
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Wait. Oh, my God. They're literally pointing to a branch.
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It's human. Isn't that a branch you just walked by? And I don't mean to throw shade or anything, but you're a big boy. If you walk, you're going to break a few tiny little branches. Yeah, he is. So he walks by the twig of a tree. I mean, we're talking like an inch round. Yeah, with a little tiny twig, the smallest of twigs, blooming out of it. And he's pointing to one broken one.
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It's probably no longer than three inches long. And he's saying that because one is broken on the bottom but not on the top, that's a human sign and not the Cherokee Red Devil. What is it?
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Yeah, or calling them by their cell phones.
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The heartwarming rom-com starring Queen Latifah plays a small-town saleswoman who spends her life savings on a holiday trip to Europe and finds that she is terminally ill. Except there's a twist. Oh, congratulations. Sounds wonderful.
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How do you know that by putting the butt of your gun on the ground? How do you know that's exactly where you're standing?
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These are some wild investigative techniques that I think should be shared with the rest of the country.
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If you really could tell where someone was standing a year ago by putting the butt of your gun on the ground and going, this is exactly where it happened. It's almost like his gun was magnetically drawn to that point. I know. It has a memory.
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Yeah, we got to stop and cry for a moment. Let us all give a moment for Buck and the time when he was standing exactly right there, staring off at the vine, and he saw the red-eyed red rocket monster. Yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Well, it hypnotizes you, Chrissy. Okay. That's really where you get the PTSD from. I mean, I don't know if you've ever seen red eyes from a red rocket ash monster, but it can really send you for a loop. Cherokee devil. Yes. It's like, don't stare at the commercial brake sign either. Same thing happens. You got it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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Okay, maybe I'll have to watch it this Christmas. Charlie Brown Christmas comes up at number 18. It's so fun. Now, Charlie Brown Christmas is not my favorite Christmas movie. I wouldn't even put it in my top ten. It's a classic. I do understand it's a classic. There's a lot of nostalgia around it. And what is fun is watching my children now get into a Charlie Brown Christmas. So we've all seen it.
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And why have they agreed to go back? Why? I know. Yeah. What is the point, guys? Can I ask a question? I know you got episodes to make just like we do. Yeah. But can I ask, why are we going back to the place where Buck almost got killed?
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Putting him through all of this PTSD. Don't look at his eyes. And then you're claiming it's psychological warfare. You're the dum-dums that decided to go back there. It's not like they... It's the rogue team. It's the... There's a rogue team. Let the team be rogue. I know. Let them go do their thing. You do your thing. There's plenty of room in Ashe County.
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You don't have to go right back exactly to the spot. Kentucky seems to be your hunting grounds. Why not go back there? A man up and go to that little red shed. That's what I say. Take a break. Get the Anheuser-Busch and go back to the red shed. There it is.
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What? I don't see anything. What happened? Where'd it go? Everyone's crying now. I don't know what's going on.
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They're flashing back to a time. So when he was there before. In the red shed, there was a Cherokee girl that he fell in love with briefly. But she ran off. She ghosted him. They connected on Tinder. Or Grindr. I'm not sure which one it was. But they connected. And all Buck wanted was just a moment. A moment more with the Cherokee girl. And who doesn't, quite frankly, Chrissy.
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But nay, she was gone. Off in the wind. Probably eaten by the, you know, redhead. The red devil. Red devil.
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You all right? Oh. Oh, God. Buck's throwing up. What's going on there? Geez. He's gagging. Yeah, that's not a sight for anybody to see. Oh, God.
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I don't know. Maybe it's a burrito baby or something. Poor buck.
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Right now. I'm going to keep an eye on him. You go get the seven and a half foot red devil.
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There is some love between the guys. Oh, absolutely. You know, there's some compassion between them. They're just a bunch of friends trying to chase deadly creatures through the woods of Asheville.
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It's a timeless cartoon starring Charlie Brown as he seeks out the true meaning of Christmas with the help of his friends and his curious dog, Snoopy. Okay, number 17, going exactly the opposite direction, Harold and Kumar Christmas, a very Harold and Kumar Christmas, which is super fun, very funny, and unbelievably, like even a little bit festive. I think you'll like this one. Yeah. Yeah.
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You think they're like in a pitch meeting and they go, you know what we should do? Make a big drama about that Cherokee girl that ghosted you that one time and make it emotional for her to go back to the red shed.
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And do you think, not only do you think that there's like a pitch meeting where they have to write all of this out, but then do you think that there are people out there somewhere in cable television land who, who actually are buying into the drama that Buck has to, you know, go and face his demons at the Red Shed in Ashe, North Carolina.
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There's a lot of people in this world. Some of them are not well, right? Okay. I do believe that there's... But I don't believe it's a majority of the audience. No. If the comments underneath the YouTube videos are any indication, most people take it like we do. It's a good comedy show if you watch it that way. And it's funny. You know, it can be really funny.
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But there are some comments under there where you know people are really into this show and they hang on every scene.
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Oh, and that's the end. We might have to find the second parts of that. He walked in the shed. Did you see that, Christina? That was crazy. Christina's blown away. She can't believe it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
This is high entertainment. Screw the 12 days of TCB. If you really want to have some fun this Christmas, put yourself on a marathon of the mountain monsters. Nothing gets you in the Christmas spirit like the Red Rocket. But what happened was he went back to the shed where he had seen the Cherokee girl.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And when he walked inside of the shed, there were a bunch of manila envelopes tacked to the wall with all of their real names.
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Yeah, I don't think it was a red rocket. Well, listen, maybe we'll find out. Maybe we won't. Stay tuned to the 12 Days of TCB. We're on the edge of our seat now. It wouldn't be a year in review without our mountain monsters. That's all I got to say. I love it. I love it. I know. I love the boys.
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I wonder if they do a holiday episode. They should. Chase holiday monster. They should. If they don't, they should. I'll look into that. If it is, I'll see if we can't do that. Yeah. Sometime shortly after the 12 days of TCB. All right, Chrissy. The NBCC, the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, will put in a link to their official website where you can donate directly to them.
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In the show notes, if you could be so kind as to do that, it is a cause that's near and dear to our hearts. We certainly would appreciate it. I know Chrissy would. I would. And hey, if you have tits, check them. That's all I got to say. Men and women. Because it does affect men also. Men do get breast cancer.
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And at a more alarming rate, I think, than ever before I was reading. So there you go.
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tcbpodcast.com that's where you go to find more information about the show all the audio all the video which includes now every episode of the commercial break is available on video on the website youtube.com slash the commercial break and soon spotify video if it's not up there already it'll be up there soon and those episodes just to let you know get released a day or two after they get released on the audio feed can't cannibalize our own you know sponsors crazy
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Because we don't have many. Right. Yeah. Exactly. We don't have many. We got to keep them around. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. We're taking them all right there. You can call, leave us a voicemail or text message. That phone number, and we will get back to you. We promise. I don't know when, but we'll get back to you sometime soon. Ask TCB.
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Looking for something to watch after little ones go to bed? Press play on this Bouty Holiday Comedy, which is the third installment of the Harold and Kumar series. Neil Patrick Harris is in it. A very funny cocaine-filled child is in the movie also. It's a lot of fun. You'll like it. Watch that one. Number 16. I disagree with this completely. Christmas with the Cranks.
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We might get to that sometime in the year 2025. We should. Ask TCB is on the list of 12 days of TCB. Okay. So there you go. I'm doing a little foreshadowing for you, Chrissy.
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Again, youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. Subscribe, like, and comment on your favorite videos. Add the commercial break on Instagram. TCB podcast on TikTok, at least for right now on TikTok. We'll see what happens in a couple of days. TikTok might go away. You never know. Yeah. Okay, Chrissy, I guess that's all I can do for now.
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But I'll tell you that I love you.
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Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe until tomorrow. We always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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I don't even think that would show up in my top 65, and I don't even know 65 movies. Christmas with the Cranks was not very good.
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Jamie Lee Curtis. Tim Allen. Tim Allen. Speaking of cocaine, Tim Allen. Did you know that Tim Allen spent like seven years in federal prison for cocaine distribution?
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It's true. Before he became a stand-up, he spent a period of time for, and not a small amount of cocaine, it was like 20 pounds of cocaine or something. Can you believe that? Isn't that crazy?
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Indeed. And then, you know, listen, and then he's Buzz Lightyear, right? Okay, so he's Buzz Lightyear, and then he makes a couple of comments during the pandemic.
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Buzz Lightyear, Tim Allen. He makes a couple of comments during the pandemic that rile the people up over there at Disney. And they say, no more Tim Allen as Buzz Lightyear. He's not going to appear in any movies moving forward. But I guess Tim had the last laugh as they're currently making Toy Story number five with... Tim Allen. So The Christmas of the Cranks is a lighthearted comedy.
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The funny flick follows a couple played by Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis who anger their neighbors by making plans to skip Christmas in favor of taking a Caribbean cruise. It's a ridiculous premise and it's not very funny. Dan Aykroyd is in the movie also. I'm sorry, I just don't like it. But anyway, okay. Number 15, A Nightmare Before Christmas.
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I know people who go crazy over this movie. Who go nuts over this movie. I dated a woman for a period of time. And she, it was like right when, I think it was in 2000, like the early 2000s. And she, like everything was about A Nightmare Before Christmas.
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I can appreciate where Tim Burton is coming from. He's never been my favorite director in the world, but I understand, like, I can appreciate the creativity behind Tim Burton movies. And this one is Claymation. So it's really, really, like, I guess, a huge feat of animation that he did this. And I think it took him a long time to do it.
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Not my favorite, but I can appreciate that it's in the top 20. Almost Christmas is number 14. Almost Christmas.
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From 2016, starring Danny Glover, Omar Epps. I have not seen this one. Okay, I don't think I have either. Danny Glover is a retired, who doesn't love a little Danny Glover? I know.
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Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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How have I never heard of this? Danny Glover is a retired widower who only wants one thing for Christmas, his grown children and the families to get along for the holidays. The performances from this talented ensemble cast will make you grateful for your folks this December. Okay, well. All right, Monique's in it. Put it in there. Jessie T. Usher's in it. DC Young Fly. Nicole Allen Parkway. Okay.
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Oh, it's okay. Oh, I see. There's a little break in the curtains there.
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Listen, we've never been a podcast that's particularly discreet. So there you go. All right. This is right up your alley, Christina. Number 13 is A Christmas Prince from Netflix.
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Wow. A Christmas prince packs every rom-com cliche that you can think of into 90 minutes. And that's exactly what makes it so delicious to watch. When a journalist is assigned to cover a handsome but mysterious prince of a small country named Aldovia, she gets more than she bargained for. Right?
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nice uh yeah not not a movie i would watch but okay all right uh number 12 is santa claus number two not a fan of the santa claus movies they're okay i like some tim allen movies like toy story but i am not a fan of the santa claus uh series yeah no i liked uh what's the other one though with it's with um kurt russell i liked that one That's Santa Claus, like, five or something, isn't it?
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Wait, Kurt Russell plays Santa Claus and Goldie Hawn appears?
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Well, I gotta see this. As Mrs. Claus, yeah. Oh, really?
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Okay, all right. Well, I'll find out what the name of that movie is. Number 11 is the original Santa Claus. When a divorced businessman accidentally kills Santa... Nothing like the holidays to send the writers and directors into overdrive trying to figure out the most ridiculous premise. Number 10, The Dr. Seuss' The Grinch, the animated one from 2018.
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December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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No list of Christmas movies is truly complete without an appearance from The Grinch, and the new-ish animated version deserves a place in the holiday movie canon. Thanks to Benedict Cumberbatch's memorable take on everyone's favorite green holiday grump, I agree with this.
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This is the best version of The Grinch, I think, is the new one from 2018. Number nine is Claws.
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By Netflix, an animated original. The Netflix original about a postman who befriends a reclusive toy maker is a great family Christmas film, especially with the beautiful animation that will leave you really feeling the holiday magic. Haven't seen it? I guess I'll have to see it. Have you seen this one?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Okay, I'm going to watch this. This is from 2019. Number nine, Scrooged. I love Scrooged. We've talked a couple times about holiday movies and we have not added Scrooged in there. Scrooged is fucking fantastic. I love it.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
A modernized version of The Christmas Carol stars Bill Murray as a curmudgeonly New York City TV executive who learns the true meaning of Christmas in hilarious fashion and sometimes a bit scary. But I love this movie.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I remember seeing it as a kid. This came out in 1988. I remember seeing it as a kid. And I loved it from the beginning. I thought it was great. Bill Murray really does play the best Scrooge that has ever been. The Christmas Chronicles starring Kurt Russell. The Christmas Chronicles. That's what I was thinking of. Those are good. The original is number seven.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Number six is Home Alone 2, Lost in New York, starring Donald Trump. Kevin McAllister's family manages to leave him behind yet again in Home Alone 2. And this time around, he winds up in New York City, where he managed to outwit the bandits one more time.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I'm going to say it again, hot take. I just don't like the Home Alone series. I just find it to be absolutely ridiculous premise how you could leave a child behind and then that child, through no fault of their own, is then left for days on end to outwit bandits with, you know, Cracker Jacks and sound effects.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Home Alone comes in at number five. Number four, I would have put this a little bit higher, but number four is National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Of course, of course. Watching this Chevy Chase movie will make anything your family does at Christmas seem totally normal by comparison. It is probably...
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Probably the best vacation movie is A Christmas Vacation, but a very close second is the regular vacation movies. I actually liked The Vegas Vacation, Vegas Vacation too. I thought that was pretty funny.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
okay uh number three is elf with will fair of course this is a christmas instant christmas classic i have met people who do not like this movie i do not like them it's like people who don't like dogs i don't trust them and even though i don't like my own dog that doesn't mean i don't like dogs in general i just don't like that one that's outside my room but if you don't like elf i think something's wrong with you like how do you not like l i
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I can understand you maybe not being a fan of Will Ferrell, but if you take your dislike for Will Ferrell out of it, how can you not love the sheer innocence and joy of the character he plays? And Will Ferrell was born to play out. He was born to play an adult child, essentially. Yeah.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
uh looking at the world in such a like an awestruck way and and seeing everything and and then add it add to it that he's a very physical comedian he just does this role such justice he does and while the ending is a little I always will stop and watch elf when it's on television
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
I love him in it, too. In one of his last movie appearances. Yes, yes. Bob Newhart was great in that movie, as was, who's that guy? Wilford Brimley? Isn't Wilford Brimley in that movie?
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Yeah, okay. Diabetes? Diabetes. Number two is It's a Wonderful Life, which is a Christmas classic. Not my favorite Christmas movie, but it's a Christmas classic. It is.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
And number one, I would say that the three elf Christmas vacation and a Christmas story. Well, jockey for position in my heart, a Christmas story is the sentimental favorite. I think this is a great one.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Fragile. It must be Italian. Such a quotable movie.
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12 Days of TCB: Don't Stare At The Red Rocket
Such a quotable movie. And the story of A Christmas Story, the movie itself, is just, I think, as charming as the actual movie, which is this was a book that was written back in the 30s or 40s, I think, about the writer's childhood and kind of a fictionalized version of his Christmases. Yeah. and how he really wanted this red rider BB gun. His mom said, you'll shoot your eye out.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
The meme coin, however, has no function whatsoever. There is absolutely... I mean, they can build in utilities into its special programs and prizes and access that you get for being a meme coin holder, which is apparently what they tried to do with this Haktua coin, or the Hawk coin, as they would say. She hyped up this hot coin, got in bed with Howie Mandel's cousin. His name is Doc Hollywood.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And apparently he's like a, like, I don't know, some kind of meme coin expert or something. So listen to this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Listen to the math on this. for early investors and people who knew hawk to uh whatever her name is is it what is it kylie kaylee something like that hayley kaylee i don't know she and her team in their infinite wisdom gave 17 of the total coins to insiders basically and then released three percent of the coins to the public She pressed this hard on her podcast, on her social media.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
She tried to get people who have no clue about any of this stuff to buy this meme coin. And then the moment that it went public, 17% of the people who were holding onto it who knew what was going on sold immediately because they cashed in. That's what you do. It's called a pump and dump scheme. It's a rug pull. I'm using this very fancy terminology from Twitter spaces.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's a rug pull, and basically you are throwing the losses to the people who are unsuspecting while you cash in as an insider.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
you got to be ready to lose money. That's just part of the game. It is just a scheme. It's just a pump. It's all pump and dump. There's really no utility. You don't go to Starbucks and use your Hawk to a coin. That doesn't happen. It's just never going to happen. So, and there are millions of these meme coins out. I mean, hundreds of thousands, there's got to be meme coins.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And this is how some of these new media stars are getting rich. They do this meme coin or altcoin, and then they pump and dump it. I mean, even Donald Trump's coin is having trouble taking off.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
uh but octua is seems like she's in big trouble and still the number five podcaster in the world do we need a meme coin do we have any memes to coin not really so it's hard to do a meme coin when you're just two idiots on a podcast the tcb coin break coin break your bank coin sorry you spent so much money and by the way at one point
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Right after Hawk Tua's coin was released, the total valuation of all the Hawk coin out there was half a billion, with a B, dollars. Wow. Half a billion dollars. And then quickly went down to $40 million after everybody sold. And a bunch of the insiders made money while all the other people are just left holding the bag. That's why they call it a rug pull. And it's terrible.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
So I have a suspicion that Hawk herself, Miss Tua, had no idea what she was getting herself into, that she also was not knowledgeable about Mooncorp. She was trusting the doc. That's right. But she made some money. There's no doubt about that. And that is problematic. So we'll see what happens with Miss Tua and all of her Hawkies. I don't know what you call them. What does she do on that podcast?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I mean, how did you find it? Was it good? Was it interesting?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'm speaking in old English. How did you find it? How did you find it, milady?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You never went back to it because you didn't like it. Let's just be honest about it. You didn't like it. You found it to be boring. It wasn't interesting. I haven't listened to any of it. I've seen some of the video. And yeah, she's got celebrities that come on there. I think she had JoJo Siwa recently. Listen, you know, no knock. If you could get JoJo Siwa to sit in this seat,
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You'd be out the door, Chrissy. I'd have CY in here in one second. I'd have her gyrating on that couch in a heartbeat. All right, so let's take a break. When we get back, guess what, kids? Today, for the 12 Days of TCB, something very special. We're going to go back to our poise, the 21 Convention, and Zahn. Zahn took up a computer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
considerable amount of our energy and effort this year. I think we did five total episodes on Zahn. But lest you think we've done all the Zahn there is to do, Zahn just keeps on talking. So we have more of Zahn Perion, whatever his name is, the very sad Pua, I think is the only way to say it. What did you say? The Jack Sparrow knockoff? Greasy hair, big belt buckle, and dad bod all together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And he will tell us how many books he hasn't sold and how lost his life is when we get back. Oh, also want to remind you, please, the St. Jude Foundation, the St. Jude series of hospitals. I just want to make that clear. money. We're rugging and tugging. Yeah, we're rugging and tugging. Our meme coin is St. Jude and the National Press Cancer.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, so go there, donate some cash, make yourself feel good. And we will love you forever. Send us a screenshot and I'll send you an extra sticker or two or something like that. Okay, let's take a break. We'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Welcome back to the commercial break. I'm Brian Green. This is my elf on the shelf, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Hope you're doing well. Enjoying the 12 days of TCB. Actually, I think it's the 20 days of TCB we've decided.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
All right, and we're back. Spreading some Christmas cheer all over the place, as is our network. Can you please do more episodes? No, we can't. How many more episodes can we do? I can't do any more episodes. We're full. That's it. I'm all full up. But you know what? I like this because here's the thing. 12 days of TCB gives people something to look forward to at the end of the year.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Not us, but other people. Something to look forward to at the end of the year. Gives us a chance to review the year properly where we don't have to try and fit it all into one show like we did last year. I think last year we... I tried to fit it all into one hour. Number one, number two.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Number three, it gives people something to listen to during the holidays that is completely unacceptable for any kind of family activity. So it gives you an opportunity to get away from those ratball children and your shitty Uncle Tom who won't stop talking about... You know what. The entire dinner. And listen to some funny shit. So, okay.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
One of our favorite things to do in 2024, really for the last two years, has been Poise. Actually, since the beginning of the commercial break, we've been doing pickup artists. But we've really started to refine our target. And that is the 21 Convention. The 21 Convention is an all-round...
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We've counted all of the episodes in a row. I think it'll end up being somewhere around 20. And you are officially the winners there, the listeners. We are in a purgatory. But at least we're in a nice purgatory. We're here in our comfortable, brand-new studios. I do like sitting back a little bit like this. It's better than leaning on the table. I love the chairs. Yeah. They're very comfy chairs.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
man haven i guess i don't know what it is i mean it's like we're all looking good it's maga it's masculinity it's the patriarchy it's trad wife it's all things dipshit these guys put together these conventions but the convention is no longer it suffered from some financial issues like no one showed up and so i think it imploded it did
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It imploded because the guy who started it, I think he had some financial issues himself, and he took the convention down with him. But then people weren't happy with him either. Am I right about that? They were all upset because he wasn't paying them or wasn't – I don't know what the – who cares about the 21 convention?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What I care about is the content that they put out over eight years of doing this convention. It refined itself. It got more weird and more extreme and more – I actually saw a video of one of these pickup artists telling you how to text a woman, how to get a woman in bed by simply texting her. And had it not been so visual, I would have done that one.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But I felt like we should go back to someone who really occupied quite a bit of that space, that poise space for us this year. In season number four, it was Michael Anthony. The year before, it was Frankie B. The year before, it was that weird guy talking into the camera. I can't remember his name, season number one. But in season number five...
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No one occupied as much time as Zahn Perion, the very sad pick-up artist who is down on his luck. But don't worry, because things are going to work out fine for Zahn. But he's here to share with you about all the tricks of the trade, Chrissy, and how to get a woman in bed and make sure that the patriarchy stays alive and well. I can't wait to hear.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Let's pick up in the middle of a Zahn conference appearance here as he talks about men with women in their lives. Here you go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Counterbalancing. Zahn is the guy who told us that you got to make sure you have counterbalancing energy. You got to make sure you have that intellectual, strong personality type, but then you have to have that thrusting penis motion. You got to slap your balls right into somebody. Which I've been trying out at the grocery store and seems to be working fine at the local croaker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Even though I like the table look, the chairs, I do have to say, I think are an upgrade. I think the whole studio is an upgrade.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What a phrase. And then put your hands up, like block your face. I can't imagine if I had said that to any of the women in my life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Powerful. So powerful, it's never worked. So powerful, women don't get it. I can't understand.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, the kind and gentle kind of don't talk. The kind and gentle don't talk unless spoken to.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Listen, sweetie, baby, honey, listen. All that yammering, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but I'm inviting you, kindly, gently, to shut the fuck up. Do you mind? Don't cross the line. Don't cross the line. And by the line, I mean the threshold of my door. This is the man cave where all man things happen. There's thrusting energy in you. You've got to be careful.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
This jacket is hot and loud. It is very loud. I'm wearing my Christmas greens here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Balls swirling around everywhere. I don't want you to get smacked in the face.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I cannot imagine under what circumstances I would talk to another human being like that, except for my children. Like, I talked like this to my children. Look in my eyes. Don't do that again. And you know what they say?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I think he just summed up. I think that's a little self-aware. I think he just summed up his entire existence. A little boy who is lost.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yes, this was a Walmart $9.99 purchase by Astrid, and she knows how to... If it wasn't for Astrid, I'd be wearing a t-shirt. I know. Astrid goes, if we're changing this studio, you are not going to wear a fucking t-shirt every episode. And I was like, okay, I can agree. If we can do the studio, I'll change into something besides a t-shirt. Don't tell Earl. I'll be back in t-shirts before too long.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, we got it. We understand. We've seen a kid in a candy jar before.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's close. She played Wembley. He's playing Waukegan. It's close.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Nothing that a woman wants more than a small child to take care of. Can you wash behind my ears?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Brian needs Moo Moo. Brian needs his Moo Moo Milky. Astrid, tee-tee, ta-ta. I made pee-pee poo-poo. Can you watch my little tee-tee? I tinkled on myself.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, yeah. Astrid, I made a poo-poo. There's a poo-poo in my pants.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, that's right. I mean, T.T. Tata, can you wash behind my ears? Where are you getting these women?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, that's an Instagram quote to go on a nipple picture if I've ever seen one. Yes. Here's my conclusion in life. Here's what I figured out. Because I've been there. Because all men have been there at some point in their life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We make the mistake of, especially I think early on in life, we make the mistake of supplementing a woman's love outside of our mother's relationship for a love like our mother's relationship. And we do become childlike. We think that it's a job of a woman to take care of us in certain ways. precursor to hot sex. You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
If you can't do your own laundry and you have to be taken care of and every little issue becomes a drama unless mommy takes care of it, then the woman will start to think of you like a child. My opinion is, I think sometimes a woman's first child is their first boyfriend because that's how men act in a lot of cases. It's just a learning curve.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But at 72 years old, or however Zahn is, he really needs to, like, grow up a little bit. Women don't want someone to take care of. I mean, listen, I think we all care. If you're empathetic, you're a caretaker. You want to take care of people. Like when they have the flu, not like on a Tuesday afternoon when you, you know, where's my lunchbox, mommy?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Because it's just how I'm comfortable. What can I say? Listen, if Machine Gun Kelly can get away with it, so can Brian Greene. Me and Machine Gun are exactly alike.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I said I demand it. Thrusting energy! Thrusting! Ah, pee-pee-poo-poo.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Except for I'm not dating Megan Fox and we're not in a blood, like some blood brother marriage. They're expecting. And they're also expecting to break up because they just announced they're officially not together anymore. What? Weeks after announcing that they're having a baby, I think, right? I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, are we going to have to teach this? Really? We have to teach consideration? I mean, if you're going to see a movie with someone, wouldn't you want them to be interested in it also?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
That said, this is the guy who got dragged to all seven of the, you know, what do you call them? One of those movies? Oh, the shades.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I got a little lipstick on my collar. Mama, take care of it. Tee-pee-poo-poo. Tee-tee-ta-ta-ba. Don't cross that line, thrusting energy. Up here, but down there, over here, left and right. I don't know, up and down. He's saying nothing. I'm saying nothing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No wonder his book didn't sell. It's four tomes of fucking nothing.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'm making a point. I'm trying to make a point. Same time. See, now I'm remembering exactly why we think Hassan is so funny, because he never, ever quite gets to the point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I love the Warriors propose. It's a haiku. Are you ready, Chrissy? I'm ready. Pee-pee-poo-poo. Bison, uh-oh, I made pee-pee-poo-poo. Will you clean it up? Will you, will you? What movie shall we go to in this fortnight?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
So I heard you girls talking over the break while I was, you know, actually working. And what I heard was that one out of 10 men in the United States are figuring out, or one out of 100 are figuring out that they are not the father of their child. Is that correct? Yes, that was a little snippet. Via DNA Ancestry?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Bringing it all the way back to the Aztecs. So similar to today's times.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Well, listen, so did I, so I don't want to make... I don't want to make too much fun today.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'm pretty sure they had pyramids, entire towns. But they came back into their tent. Their tent. Their tent. Pretty sure tent is a rather modern thing in the grand scheme of things.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
The warriors repose. You go out there and you fight. The warriors repose is to crawl up in a woman's lap. I like to crawl up into a woman's lap, but I think that can be true said of anybody is that everybody likes that kind of that coddling every once in a while. We all get into a headspace or emotional space where we just want to lay on someone's lap.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Get back into my eight-person quadra tent from Patagonia.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What do you do for a living? I don't know, Zahn, but I think there's a few steps before getting in a woman's lap, and I think knowing what you do for a living is probably one of them. Just throwing that out there. Of course it is 2024, and shit's weird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
That's right. My swinging balls will hypnotize you into curling up in my lap and doing my laundry.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Is there anybody in the audience? No? No? Hello? He's just swinging his hand back and forth.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I think he's got somebody on the line. Okay, let's see. We'll take one question and then maybe we'll take a break. Hold on. Questions for Zan? He's the only one up there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
This is embarrassing. Why wouldn't they cut this out of the YouTube video? Like, even I'm not that dumb. Even I cut out dead air from our show. That's poor Zan. I really do sometimes feel, I mean, I feel empathy for everybody, but for Zan especially, because he didn't sell the book. He's trying to write a second one. He's got a daughter who he thinks might love her at some point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
and i said ancestry dna wow ancestry dna is a thing yes it's another cauldron of flaming shit that our world has brought straight to our front door i'm telling you right now when they were looking for that killer of that you know ceo united guy which we haven't talked about but uh when they were looking for him they were checking databases like private databases like ancestry dna for dna i just don't want
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I mean, it's just like, it's a terrible situation for Zan. You know, but by the way, this goes on for an additional 30 minutes. So clearly somebody asks him a question.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And can you... Congratulations. I can act authentic when needed.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No. He said, yeah, he said warriors in tents. Warriors repose? Yeah, the warriors repose.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I don't know. This is not really my line of expertise, transferring from the warrior to the poet, because I never said that at different conferences altogether.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I'll say it back to you and then we can talk back and forth. How's that? It's called a conversation.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Meet me in room 212. That's a junior executive suite.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Okay, let me explain. On the video here, there is not a screen behind him because it's not that kind of conference room. It's like literally like one of those meeting rooms in a Holiday Inn. He's got a Vizio TV fresh out of the box with the stand and everything. And behind it, it just has 21 Convention written on it. And all of a sudden, someone's browsing the internet on that TV behind him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
In Microsoft, nonetheless. Microsoft, the wave of the future. Okay, Wanda, this is a good place to take a break, I think, Christina. Let's take a break. Just a quick reminder, the St. Jude's Foundation and the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, both of those links down below in the show notes. Do us a favor and maybe yourself a favor in the future. You never know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Donate to those two very fantastic causes. Help the brothers out. We'll be back.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
to have my dna all mixed up in there although i probably already do have my d my twin brother did it so now i'm fucked yeah yeah because we have shared the almost the exact same dna since we're fraternal we got a few things i wonder what's different in our dna it's got to be something about the looks huh or maybe it so we share the same mother and father dna that we share like the general dna of course but then i guess the specifics are different how does dna work chrissy tell me more
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
All right, back here with Zahn in 21 Convention. Zahn is teaching us men how to, you know, be... Basically, the title of the video is How to Be with a Woman in Your Life. And, okay, fair enough. We could all use a pointer here and there. But so far, what he's told us is incongruent, to use a big word that someone in the audience used, and does not make much sense.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
He wants us to both be a warrior and a pussycat. He wants us to need women, but tell them that we don't need them. He wants us to make decisions for them, but make sure they're involved in the decisions themselves. So I just don't know what to think of Zahn. Zahn is a master at not making a point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yes, thank God that someone is now browsing the internet behind him. He's captivating the audience.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I just keep talking if I was him. I mean, I've had this happen. It's embarrassing, but you just keep going. You power through. When the questions section of the presentation doesn't end up being so fantastic, you power through. You got to have backup contents on. You can't just stand there and go, no, no one. Because it sounds worse.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, ease and delight. It sounds like the next Krispy Kreme special donut. Join us at Krispy Kreme for 99 cents ease and delights.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I think he said ease and delight. Okay. I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Second of all, I don't know. Look at his brain working.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
He probably wrote a whole book on it. He has no idea what he's talking about. Huh. Huh. Wow.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No one knows. It's magic. It's a steaming cauldron of bits and bobs, little pieces of, I don't know, twine and hair. Well, isn't there two eggs? No, Chrissy, two X's and one Y. No, two eggs. Eggs? Yes, indeed. I don't know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Next question. No? Let me tell you about something, boys.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Because when I think of ease and delight, I think of the Stoics. Like Plato. He lived a life of ease and delight.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Absolute bullshit is that. That is such negativity. Nobody's going to remember you. That is the nature of death. You become remembrance. That's what it is. And it's likely at least one person will remember you. I mean, maybe in Zahn's case, some people will be forgetting. What a shocking thought. Shocking. Wait, he's talking about death, and the guy asked about ease and delight. I know.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, God, remember that. He took a 20-mile journey with a strange man.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's two separate children in the same womb at the same time. So you're just a sibling. That's it. That's all you are. You're just a sibling that has known another human. At longer than most people. I mean, you know, your mother, I guess, is that would be that argument there. But there's an extra human being that, you know, longer than anybody else has.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You are, in fact, remembering her. I know. That's what I thought, too.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yes, so now you have become... The guy who's remembering the lady who was forgotten.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I mean, I get the point, but it's not really. This is it. He's not articulating it well. Yeah, he's not. But I guess articulation has never been Zahn's strong suit since we've known him.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Well, okay. End on a high note. Send him out the door all gung-ho.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And you've literally shared the same birth canal almost at the same time. But that's a it's a thing. But it's a bond. Yeah, it's not like identical twins. We do not feel each other's pain. Although I will say there has been times when serious life events have happened, and I have sensed that something was going on with my brother. I can see that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Like this conference you're at now that you paid all this money for. To watch my transitions slowly get darker. His transition lenses have gotten darker and darker as the evening has worn on.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You're such a stoic. Who was that? Jodie Foster and Nell?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Well, what's the point? If I'm climbing a mountain, I'm telling everybody. Instagram, bitches.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
What? Meanwhile, Zahn's going to go home, play some Fortnite, and eat a cheeseburger from McDonald's. That's right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But I think a lot of siblings feel that way in general. I think best friends can feel that way. Husband and wife can feel that way. Father and child, daughter and mother, whatever it is. Anyway, back to Machine Gun Kelly. They, you know, maybe he's not the father and he found out and that's what's upsetting him. Could be. Machine Gun Kelly and, you know, Megan Fox, they are blood married.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
All right, I think that's a good place to wrap it up with Zahn, because how much can one take of making no point trying to make a point? Oh, Zahn, Zahn.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, God. Well, you know, listen, he's not the worst DUA we've ever seen. That's for sure. He's not the best, but he's not the worst. And what I mean by that is he's certainly got this idea, weird idea stuck in his head about women and relationships.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Yeah, but just pulling out quotes from every chapter in history does not make you enlightened. No. It doesn't. I'm sorry. I wouldn't know because I'm not enlightened. I'm not claiming to be. But I do know that this is not it. No. I'd probably go with that chick in the white headdressing. What was her name? Bajran Yogi. Yogi Bajran. That's more my flavor. I like ayahuasca. That's more my flavor.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's mild compared to Zahn. I'd rather do a night of ayahuasca than a night with Zahn.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
God, and this thing is two hours and 40 minutes long. Can you imagine sitting through two hours and 40 minutes of this? No. Underneath that lighting in that Holiday Inn conference room? No, thank you. Oh, okay. All right. So here we go. We're trucking along 12 days of TCB right on through Christmas and beyond. All right. Through Christmas and beyond.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We will be here every day with a brand new episode. I think this is a Sunday episode that we're recording right now. I think so. I think that will officially be the first ever Sunday episode of the commercial break. So there you go. Breaking new ground every single day, Chrissy. Breaking new ground. All right, tcbpodcast.com, that's where you go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
More information about the show, all the audio, all the video, and now all episodes are available on video, either on the website, on Spotify, or youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak. But when you go to the website, and we implore you to, you can get your free sticker. If you go to the Contact Us page, drop down menu, I want my free sticker, give us your address, away it will go.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Also, if you make a donation to St. Jude's Foundation or the National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, send us a screenshot and we will send you some extra swag. 212-433-3822. 212-433-3TCB. Questions, comments, concerns, content, ideas. At the commercial break on Instagram, TCB Podcast on TikTok. Follow us, like, comment on your favorite video. We certainly would appreciate it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But I'll tell you that I love you. And I love you. Best to you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until next time, we always say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
They're certainly sharing DNA. I mean, listen, you're a certain kind of kooky-wooky when you do blood wedding. I get it. I get it. Sometimes you're just so in love with somebody. You know how when you're in love with somebody and you want to eat them? Have you ever felt that? Yes. You want to eat them? Not like cannibalize them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's okay, Armie Hammer. Yeah, eat them. No, no, not like Armie Hammer, eat them. Just like you wish you could ingest. There was a level of intimacy that was further than the level of intimacy you could get by all the normal means, like sticking your penis inside of them. You had other ways of getting intimate.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Hey, Chrissy, best to you. Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Chew on them, yes. Chew on their arm and make it bleed. Yes. Anyway, Megan Fox and Machine Gun Kelly no longer together.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
No, I don't think so. I think Megan Fox... The pregnancy was the deal breaker. The pregnancy was the deal breaker. Here's my take on Machine Gun Kelly and Megan Fox, in case you want to know. Because I'm very interested in this relationship, believe it or not. Because they are a certain kind of personality. Like, wacky, out there. Mm-hmm. Eyes, all eyes on them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
They don't really give a shit, but of course they give a shit, that kind of thing. And they find comfort in each other's craziness, right? I think. This is what I'm, like, garnering just from public information. Because I have no inside track on Megan Fine. But they take comfort in each other's craziness. But that craziness can also wear on you, right? And it can wear on a relationship.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's exhausting. And it's a constant circus around those two. Constant circus. Like we've talked about this before on the show. When two people are involved in the circus... The pressure is really on. Jennifer, whatever, Jen Lopez and Ben Affleck, when that circus gets really heated, it's like a pressure cooker.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
It's either going to come out with diamonds or it's going to crumble like a piece of shit. And I think MJQ, whatever his name is, MJK... MGK.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I think Machine Gun Kelly and I think Megan Fox, they've been under that pressure cooker for a long time. And I can imagine that certain kind of crazy has started to wear on them. They took that blood feud or blood oath or whatever the fuck it was. And as soon as that happened, I mean, how many more tattoos can you get of each other? You know what I'm saying?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You're running out of space on your body. I think that they stay at least disassembled for a long period of time because they need to cool off from the craziness. That's my opinion.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Who else? I mean, you shared blood with her. You have tattoos all over. Who else are you going to get together with? Like Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson. You know, they take comfort in that certain kind of crazy, right? Then they break up and it's disastrous for both of them. They're like both really hurt. Blue agrees. Blue totally agrees.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season. As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But now they never got back together once Pamela and Tommy Lee separated.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
She just got nominated for a Golden Globe for best female performance in a musical, I mean, in a drama. I saw that. Yeah, for The Last Showgirl, I think is what it's called. The Last Showgirls. Very interesting. I want to see that. I like Pam Anderson. I've always liked Pam Anderson.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
There's a whole show. It's a reality show? Mm-hmm. Oh, very interesting. And they follow her around? Yeah, and she does all her homebody beach stuff. Hot take. I mean, not hot take, but here's what I always thought about Pam Anderson. I never thought she was the most attractive. It's my opinion, my objective, my completely subjective opinion. She was never the most attractive woman.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I know that people went gaga over her. What's a certain type? is a certain type and you're either into it. Why I liked Pam Anderson was her personality. She always seemed like smarter than the average bear. Do you know what I'm saying? She was like in on the joke. She understood it. She drove the bus. And I know that, you know, she may not agree with that 100% because I didn't live her life.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I don't know. But the same reason why I like Jenny McCarthy, like not the most, you know, to me, not the most like I would prefer Daisy Fuentes if you go back to that era.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
than jenny mccarthy but at the end of the day jenny mccarthy was always in on the joke and that to me was attractive like i liked their sense of humor i liked how smart they were i'd like that they were in on the joke that was it so i i wish nothing but the best for pam anderson hopefully she gets that that golden globe not and i would like to see the last showgirls have you seen her i have not i wonder what it's about i wonder if we knew anything that we were talking about here on the commercial break
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Brian Austin Green. Yes, Brian Austin. He was in 90210. He was in 90210.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I told this story before, probably many years ago on the show, but when I moved from Chicago to Atlanta, I was 12 years old, maybe going on 13 years old, something like that. And obviously I moved with my family. Brian wasn't taking a bus on his own down to Atlanta. The show 90210 came out in that summertime or in that period of time when we had just moved.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Someone in the neighborhood in Chicago started a rumor that the Brian Greene on the show was the Brian Greene that had left the neighborhood. Same Brian Greene. When I came back to Chicago the first time after that show had been running... You rode that wave. I rode that wave.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Kids thought, well, I mean, all they needed to do was take one look at me to understand that that was not the same guy that was on TV. Plus, I think Brian Austin Green at the time was like five years old or six years older than I was. I mean, clearly I was not.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
They were in their 30s. That's how you did it back then. I mean, 21 Jump Street. Johnny Depp was like 41 playing a high schooler or something like that. That was a great show, by the way, 21 Jump Street.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Not only were the show premises absolutely ridiculous, but then the people that they got to play the characters were absolutely ridiculous. No one would believe that Johnny Depp was a high schooler or that Jason Priestley was, you know, a sophomore in high school. I mean, it's just absolutely ridiculous. And who was the other guy, the guy who passed away? What was his name on 90210? Hmm.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
I thought Shannon Doherty was still alive. No, she died of breast cancer. Oh. I don't remember. I'm so confused. I'm so sorry to hear that. Shannon Doherty was like a mega, mega star when 90210 came out. In July. Wow. Oh, the people that we've lost this year. In memorandum. A lot of people. In memorandum. We would do an in memorandum here, but we'd probably get it all wrong. We would.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
We have many times quoted people to be dead that aren't in fact dead.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Chris Christopherson has been dead for no years.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
But you know what we have done this year as we've done the 12 days of TCB? We have gone back so far and looked at events, content, or programs that we have enjoyed over the year that you have enjoyed. You have told us as listeners you've enjoyed in 2024. And one of the things that has really resonated with people, good, bad, and indifferent, has been our focus on the pickup artist community.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
And more specifically, the poise. And more specifically, the poise who go to the 21 convention. I said poise like Hak Tua. Hak Tua. Hawk Tua. Speaking of Hawk Tua, let's take a side note here. Did you hear about this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
Oh, I have been diving into this. This is fucking insane. First of all, let's say that yesterday we started the show by saying that Kylie Kelsey had the number one podcast in all the land on her very first episode of her very first podcast. Congratulations to her. No shade. Yes, absolutely. No shade whatsoever. Congratulations to her. She knocked Joe Rogan out of the top spot.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
That is a mighty feat because Joe gets big, big, big numbers. But then the Hawk to a Girl is like the number five most popular podcast in all the land. How is the Hawk to a Girl more popular than the commercial break? I mean, it's probably easy to understand. It's more entertaining. But I'm telling you right now, that is a crazy feat to be the number five podcast in all the land. That means you're
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
You're getting millions and millions of people listening every single episode you put out there. Hak Tua and all of her infinite wisdom. And I don't know this girl. I don't know her. I have not paid attention to the story. I think it's kind of ridiculous that she got so famous for saying two words on a street in Nashville. But whatever. People apparently liked her personality. Yeah.
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12 Days Of TCB: Zan The Baby Man
She took the opportunity to cash in like a lot of these new age, new media stars do. And she rug pulled a bunch of people with a meme coin. Let me explain very briefly. Meme coin is an alt coin. It's just like Bitcoin or any of those others. It sits on a block coin.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
This episode of The Commercial Break is sponsored by Ring. The holidays are almost here, and between traveling, hosting family, and finding the perfect gift, it's such an exciting, busy, and yes, sometimes stressful time. Ring helps you stay connected to the home for all the merry moments, even when you're on the go. With Ring, you've got the whole home covered.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
But I do have to say this. No, there's nothing to say.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
No, I'm not. Listen, I'm not saying I'm not part of the problem. I am part of the problem. I've watched Dr. Phil. I paid Dr. Phil. I paid him to talk about me. I paid Dr. Phil to talk about me. And 90 Day Fiance is just one step removed from Who's the Father?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Because everybody on 90 Day Fiancé is one step removed from being a guest on The Maury Povich Show. Let's be honest about it.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We were just watching an episode before we started recording here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, the last resort is right. Because none of these couples have a chance from the beginning. And why we're even pretending that they do is beyond me. But okay, let's go there. This is all... This is where we've gotten to. We've gotten to this because we collectively... Soak in the drama. We love to think that we're doing better than other people.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We love to see other people's train wrecks because it makes our train wreck not feel so damaging. And we like tits and ass. That's it. That is it. And dollars. Tits, ass, and dollars with eight spelled D-A-U, dollar sign, dollar sign, asterisk, A-W-A-R, dollar sign, dollar sign.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Okay, so Chrissy, today for the 12 days of TCB, we're going to dip our toe back in the water of the mountain monsters because, I'm sorry, yeah, we clicked toes when I said that. Look at that. Look at us playing footsie under the table. You see me, Jeff? Catch me outside. Dollar sign, asterisk, explanation point. Explanation point.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
uh we're gonna dip our toes back in the mountain monster's water because we reviewed uh for the 12 days of tcb one of the episodes where they were running around chasing the cherokee bigfoot the cherokee mind melting monster or whatever it's called a cherokee devil the cherokee yeah and there had been like a rogue team or something involved the rogue team but they had met up and i don't know
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I'm not even sure I've got the same episode. I don't know, but I think I do. It's so confusing. So the way that they split up these episodes and propagate them online is really confusing. Sometimes it'll be a day old, but it's from season one. And then sometimes it'll be five months old, but it hasn't come out yet. It's really weird.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Anyway, the Mountain Monsters, I promised that if I could find part number two of this, that we would play it. Thank you, Phil. I think I found it. In either which way, it's going to be entertaining. You know it is. So let us do that. Let us go ahead and... Let's do that. We will do that. I was trying to think about which charity... I'm so gracious today. Hold on one second. Well, ASPCA. Yes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
We were highlighting. But there was... I sent you one this morning. There was like a Feeding America. Yes, there is. But there was a – give me one second. Can you and Christina talk for a second while I talk about this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, I was going to say, we should add on to Christina's roster of responsibilities to make sure your hair looks good. Last looks. Yes. Okay, I don't want to get this wrong. So over the break, I'll check it and we'll make sure that we let you know and put it in the link in the show notes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It's basically, it's an organization that supports women who have been abused and the children that they care for when they're leaving those relationships. This is a super important cause. We donate a lot to the women's shelter down the street. Yeah, we do too. We donate anything that we have used or left over or we bought two of them or whatever happens, we will donate over there.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
This is a super important cause because abusive relationships tear down lives. They destroy children and women's lives and men too, to be honest with you. But right now we're focusing on the women. And so we're going to put a link in the show notes to this charity that does just that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They provide shelter, clothing, food, and assistance getting back on their feet and finding their way in the world without all the drama. So please support that cause and also any of the other causes that we've talked about in the 12 Days of TCB
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
If you feel so inclined, you can certainly take a screenshot that you're donating, send it our way, and we'll make sure that we get you some extra TCB swag. Let's take a break, and we'll be back with the Mountain Monsters.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
The next episode of the commercial break starts now. Ding dong.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Ah, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the Ellen of my clerk, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Chrissy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we were discussing, and they support local and national foundations that help women and children who have survived abusive relationships or abusive family situations. So please donate. It's a super important cause. My father really instilled this into us.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
He had four boys, so he instilled into us that being in a relationship that's abusive is never a good thing. And he really, by hitting me, my father made me realize that hitting was not good. I don't know any other way to say it. Anyway, let's transition from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence into the National Coalition Against Violence, or for violence, against monsters.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Our marathon continues, Chrissy. I think we're doing very well. How are you holding up?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Last time we left the mountain monsters, they were chasing that Cherokee devil they had split up and then come back to. I don't know who fucking knows. They were chasing the mind-melting Cherokee devil. You ready to get into this?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Sounds like the last woman I dated. Buck. Buck, he's an expert caller.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Chrissy, I think... Because I don't always... I think when you're doing such important work, it's not the title that matters. It's what you're doing, Chrissy. We don't get lost in the details. And yes, every single episode, they change the titles for these guys. Trapper, Professional Bigfoot Hunter. But now he's an expert caller. I don't even know what that means. What's an expert caller?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Never once heard Buck call the monster. Never once.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Because I said so. My name isn't Donald J. Trump.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Are your lips chafed or anything? Do I need to get you some lipsticks, some chapsticks? Do you need water, hydration?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And I don't mean, by Huckleberry, I don't mean the person. I mean the bush. I am hungry. Whoa, look, look, look, look, look, look, look. Do you see that? Do you see that?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Oh, there we are. Yep, you're right. I did find the second part to this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Where'd she go? He's in a hut that's two foot by two foot, yet he's doing a thorough and exhaustive search for a woman. I think he would see her if she was there. He's looking around like she's under the floorboard. She was right here.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Do you need anything? You know those marathoners?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I walked up to that shack and there was no way that little Indian girl could get past me as I shaded most of the door. Now, did you see her? I did, right.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Oh, there you go. Do you have eggnog really in there? I wish you did. That'd be a lot cooler if you did, bro. You know those marathoners? They just shit on themselves.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Why can't anyone just use the word saw? I know. You don't seen something. You saw something.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It's a fact. That Cherokee mind-hunting monster is chasing little Indian girls around the woods into this here whack shack. This is the whacking shack.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It is really fucking with Buck's head. Yeah. I bet his therapy bills are high.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, he's the one that yells and screams. But he said it's a spooky damn place. Is it any different than any of the other spooky damn places you've been? I mean, they all seem pretty spooky to me. Yeah. Out in the middle of the woods at night.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And why are they always hunting at night? Why don't they just do something during the day? Have you ever heard of a drone? Take a page out of New Jersey's handbook.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They do? Apparently. Chrissy knows. It's fact.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I spy with my one good eye a mountain monster of my size.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
So I'm going to do that when we get to day number nine or ten.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I've said this from the beginning. These aren't the people, but... I've said this from the beginning, you're so right about this.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
I'm picturing like an entire... You know, like the first infantry division.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Surround the place. Yes. Turn on the high beams.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Get some drones. Maybe a couple of those thermal imaging cameras. Not the kind you buy at Walmart for $10, but the actual thermal imaging. And then you get some people with some experience. You know, people who go to college for this type of stuff and they know about cryptology. Trained. Yeah, trained.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Their video doorbells alert you when gifts arrive, And you can even chat with the delivery people to let them know where to leave the packages. The indoor cam, it's a game changer. So easy to set up. You can use it to check in on your pets when you're away. And with two-way talk, you can even talk to them.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
But no, you've got three guys who spend most of their time, let's be honest, brewing moonshine out in the woods in the middle of the night with loaded guns running around, blindly pointing them at things that they don't know. And they always seem to have a mental breakdown now in every episode. This has taken its toll on these guys, I think.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Listen, don't knock it till you've tried it. You know, there are a lot of people. This was a thing on, I forgot which show, The Stern Show. So one of the guys there liked to go to heavy metal concerts, but he did not want to pee. He would drink a lot of beer. He did not want to go and pee and miss his favorite song. So he admitted on air that he would wear diapers. Now it's a thing.
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All the fame and fortune that Mountain Monsters brought them.
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After Dr. Phil's recent turn, I would not be surprised to see Hucker Buck on one of his shows. We just came. Why is everyone just standing here? Why don't we go say hi to him? So here's the thing. They've now they're now pointing their flashlights at Buck, who is sitting on the forest floor with his back turned to them. My question is, why not just go talk to Buck?
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Why are they all whispering behind his back?
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I've taken five to ten minutes out of this important time to talk to you, the camera, before I go check on Buck, who's probably dead.
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Little Cherokee Devil cakes. You can buy them at the corner store. Need them now. So long.
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She wouldn't call me back. We matched on Tinder. We matched on Tinder and she ghosted me literally.
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Damn shit. Damn shit. Damn shit. Damn shit. That whacking shit.
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She broke my heart. He looks like he just got back from a bad date. He does, I know. Am I right about this? Isn't this weird?
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He's gone. I know, he's gone. I saw her. She's gone. He's overwhelmed. I'll tell you what we're going to do. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to open mouth kiss you.
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I'm going to open mouth kiss you and everything's going to be okay. We're all going to carry you back to the car and then we'll get you some hot cocoa. Buck need huggies. Buck need kissies, huggies.
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Yeah. I'm going to start sweeping these ridges.
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I'm going to start sweeping the ridges for Huckleberry. You stay here and weep like a child.
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I am a weeper myself. I know about crying. I cry at songs. I cry. You know, I'm one of those guys. Emotion overcomes me. I'm not afraid to cry. I just don't know how to do it on command like Buck does.
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Now that we've got Buck back with the team, our number one— What is he, a researcher? Researcher. Researcher. Chef. Where's his pad of paper? What's he researching? Responsibility is to find Huckleberry. He's lost. He's somewhere in these woods. We've got to find him. Huckleberry! Huckleberry number one!
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Rock, yes. Rock dick diapers. Rock dick diapers.
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Huckleberry number two! Huckleberry—ah, whatever. Is there a Huckleberry out there?
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That's where we'll find... It's likely we need to go right back into the arms of the murderous monster in order to find our friend. Because nothing says be a friend like getting yourself killed additionally.
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Oh, there's a totem. Chrissy, this is the creepiest Mountain Monsters episode we have seen this week. In here. That's where we found that totem pole.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Did anybody else catch that? It's gone. He went from South Kentucky accent. To Boston? Yeah, to like New England. Like Chesapeake Bay.
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It is. Yeah, super weird. Liquid Death, and then it's like, I don't know, in the spirit of Lemmy or something like that. Who knows? I saw the advertisement for it, thought it was a joke, but it's not a joke. Listen, it's just an adult diaper with leather.
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That scared me. It actually did. I thought someone was yelling in my house.
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Wow. Mountain Monster's got to rise out of me. Will Huckleberry be dead? Will we find the remains of the Cherokee Devil? I don't know.
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We'll wait until after we take a break. Remember... We're doing some good this DCB holiday by donating to good charitable causes. And there's a couple of them in the show notes for you. Today, we're focusing on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Christina will put a link in the show notes. Please donate just a couple of bucks.
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This time of year is so important for all these charities. That's when they make their money and they do their best work. So if you would, go donate a few bucks to a family in need. We'll take a break. We'll be back.
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You change out the diaper, then it's got a leather with a satanic cross on it.
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Okay, and we're back with Huck, Chuck, Fuck, and Suck. Here on the Mountain Monsters, they're chasing the Cherokee Devil, Chrissy. And they're looking for Huckleberry.
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They were with the big totem pole. The 14-inch in diameter, 8-foot tall totem pole has now gotten up and walked itself away. It's gone. It's gone with Huckleberry. Huckleberry is also gone.
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Yeah, kind of, but it's more of a thong with a satanic cross on the front of it. Oh, okay. You know, the six-sided pentagram or whatever it is. Whatever the satanists are into these days. Yes. Whatever the paganists are into.
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What I noticed about Mountain Monsters, now that we've watched so many of these episodes, I'm getting into more of the nuance of the Mountain Monsters, is that a lot of the episode is dedicated to them standing around in the woods talking about what did happen when the cameras were not around.
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So Huckleberry, that's right. It's all Billy's fault. God damn it. It's only one of me. What do you want me to do? I'm busy shaking the camera for you. But this is an interesting thing that I just put together, is that a lot of times the most intense action is only described. It's not seen.
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No, that's just me shaking the camera a lot.
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If you've ever been out in the hills of these Appalachians and you hear somebody scream with all these deep valleys, tall ridges, you have no idea where it's coming from. Trapper, can you see any sign?
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If you know how sound works, then you understand that generally when you hear something coming from a direction, that sound is coming from that direction.
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Either something's got a hold of him, or the meth has gotten a little bit too much for him. But either way, we should find him before he takes his overalls off. This is bad.
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is he naked against the tree they always put huckleberry in those situations remember the time he went to like the frozen lake he put yes and he was like wearing a loincloth on the frozen lake i mean to be fair to the group huckleberry probably is the best physique of the group like if you're gonna get naked let it be huckleberry It's Huckleberry. Easy, easy, easy. Easy, easy, easy.
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Don't help him quite yet. He's off. Let him suffer an additional couple of minutes before we go actually touch him.
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Hey, listen, Liquid Death is a big... No, not Liquid Death. I know, but they're the company that I think made it as a joke, but now it's real. Now people are admitting that they wear diapers to concerts so they don't miss out. Listen, in 2025, I have already planned to go to more concerts than I have in like 10 years total. I've bought tickets to so many concerts. Oh, yeah? Yeah.
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That's hilarious. Huckleberry's hung. He's hung like a Huckleberry. He's got his own twigs of berries. I'm telling you what. Huckleberry is covered in mud. He looks like a Huckleberry. Now he's officially Huckleberry. It looks like a bush running through the... At what cost does this show dignify or indignify people?
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This is the best thing on Mountain Monsters ever. Is that Huckleberry? He is naked as a baby.
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He's holding the totem pole. He's got two poles he's carrying around. If the blur is any indication. Wow, look at that. And that does not look anything like mud. I'm sorry. That is straight, like, crude oil or something. That's paint. Hell, he's gold, dude. Woo, look at that ass.
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He was having a moment. Hey. Giddy. Oh, they're tackling him. Oh, no. Did they say get him? Yeah, it's a kerfuffle. Get him. Get him before he orgasms. No one wants to see that. Quick. Rap is half hard in a cold cloth.
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Get him, get him, get him. Watch out, he's in the water.
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Oh, they jumped into the water. They did jump into the water. Oh, my God. Oh, this has gotten way crazier than I ever expected. Wow. So now we've got Huckleberry fucking a totem pole has been tackled by the rest of the team. Doused in cold water to stop him from jizzing on said totem pole. This is just amazing work on behalf of the Mountain Mountain. Who storyboarded this one out? I want to know.
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Travel Channel, you need a raise. Well, in the good news department, it's probably the first bath in Huckleberry's head. In a little while. In a little while.
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What in the world? These guys are like, they're cutely affectionate toward each other. Do you know what I mean? They are. Now, Huckleberry, I guess, has come to his senses since he's been doused in cold water. He is naked as a jaybird. I mean, the guy is just naked. And now they're petting his head, like, you know, standing above him petting his head.
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Like, you know, which indicates one of two things. Either they're being kind and gentle or someone's waiting for a blowjob. You know what I'm saying? It's just got that look to it. Hey, buddy.
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I'm a wet Huckleberry. Hell yeah! Wee-hee! All's well that ends well. He was fucking a totem pole with the Cherokee monster, but now that he's taking a bath, everything's great.
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But I am at the age where even if I don't drink a lot of beer, I might need the diapers just so I don't miss half the concert. That's just part of what you deal with when you get my age. When you're getting your bell rung four to five times a year. How many times does Jeff get his bell rung a year? This really made me think yesterday. We were talking about the bell ringing.
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we're coming out of my mother's womb walking and running oh i remember what's that walking and running shucking and fucking that's all look huckleberry's had a security oh security doing a fine job huckleberry keeping everybody away from the totem pole
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It was the most beautiful thing in the world. I saw God in my own eyes as I was caressing that totem pole gently, lovingly.
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Well, luckily, we got none of it on tape. Right. Luckily, we got none of it on tape.
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It's a certain kind of fear. Listen, I got to ask this just obvious question, too. Every episode, it's a fresh start. They come back. Everything's great. They're reinvigorated. They're going to new monster, new location.
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If you're really going through all this psychological torture, would it stand to reason that maybe you would take a couple of weeks off, a year off, two years off? You just got caught naked dragging a totem pole around the Appalachian Mountains. Don't you think that requires some vacation time?
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You've taken all our time fooling around with that totem pole. We're going to heal up, mentally and physically.
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Yeah, let's do it. Let's come back and give him some. Yeah, yeah. Let's take a break so I can get to the bar. Yeah.
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How many times has Jeff had his bell rung, do you think?
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Well, it is the Cherokee Devil. It's a version of Bigfoot. You've got to understand. There's not just one type of Bigfoot. There are multiple types of Bigfoot. And the mountain monsters are tuned into all of them. They know. They put their ear to the holla. That's fact. Yeah, I put my ear to the holla, and then they figure it out. And it's a fact. That's funny.
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And these guys are determined, one way or the other, to find that Bigfoot. Imagine if they spent this much time, energy, effort, and money actually trying to find a Bigfoot. Maybe they would find Bigfoot. I think so.
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I just can't get over Huckleberry sitting there naked.
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He's just kind of like a puddle of old man just laying there. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Listen, I don't look any better naked, but I'm just saying he's just kind of a puddle of an old man. I know. Am I right?
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He really does. He looks woke. But again, I want to remind everybody, I think it's best we're seeing Huckleberry naked and not any of the other guys. That's because I think this is the best of a bad choice. You know what I'm saying?
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And why are they blurring out his chest? He must have a tattoo there that they don't like, yeah.
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I guess the Nazi tattoos don't go over too well on Travel Channel, huh?
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All right, there it is, the second part of that. I think there might be a middle part there that we missed with the manila envelopes.
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We did not see the manila envelopes. But anyway, the mountain monsters did not fail to catch the Cherokee monster. But Huckleberry got a bath, so I guess that's good. Speaking of aliens and monsters, have you been keeping up with the New Jersey drone situation? Yes, I have. The East Coast drone situation?
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People are demanding answers, and I have one for you. They're New Jersey drones. That's what they are. They're drones from New Jersey.
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Hundreds of people, maybe thousands of reported sightings of drones Many people calling them UFOs.
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It wasn't weird back then. It's all of a sudden weird now, which makes me think it really was weird in the first place. It was probably weirder when it was happening than it's not happening. But what are you going to do when a doctor tells you to bend over and whistle Dixie? That's what you do. Take a deep breath. Relax, Brian. Relax. Relax your anus.
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Over New Jersey. Some people think they are Iranian actual like military drones. And some of them are rather large.
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Yes, they can be car size. Drones come in all different sizes. Matter of fact, the U.S. military flies drones that are the size of fighter planes. They're literally planes, autonomous planes. But the kind that you can get commercially available usually don't have battery life more than an hour or two.
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Some people reported seeing them for up to four or five hours up there in similar places, moving in ways that they're not supposed to move. But the U.S. government has assured us, and of course the U.S. government is assuring everybody, that... What we're saying. Yeah, it's safe. Don't worry about it. People are freaking the fuck out.
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They think that aliens have now just they're out there dancing with other drones and airplanes. They're making their move. Essentially, I tend not to believe that. I would love to think that we're finally having contact because that would be really fucking cool and or maybe not. I don't know.
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But all the videos that I've seen, I feel like those could be explained away as either commercially available drones that have something has been put on them, like some kind, you know, people make like Star Trek drones, Star Wars drones. They make drones in all different shapes and sizes. So are these people that are just fucking around? Likely.
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Also, is it possible that there are military or law enforcement drones that are out there also tracking people and the government just doesn't want to say for whatever reason? Yes. Is it likely that they're actual UFOs? No, it's not likely. No. I'd love to believe it. You know we would, but I'm just not convinced. I haven't seen any convincing video.
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Lots of people putting together super shitty fake videos, you know, trying to claim. And there are hundreds of thousands of people collectively on social media that are desperately buying into this. They think this is it. Here it comes. Here's our time. You know, this hysteria has been going on since the 1930s and it's not going to go away anytime soon. Do I believe that there are aliens?
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Absolutely. Do I think they've been here? Maybe. Maybe we're aliens. Maybe we dropped from a meteorite in the sky, or our DNA did, somehow, some way, shape, or form.
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But until someone actually shows me some proof, and there are convincing videos out there, like that military video, but until someone shows me convincing proof, I think this is likely some dickhead in his mom's garage building interesting drones and flying them around New Jersey, and other dickheads in their mom's garage flying other drones because now they want to get on the action and see their drones on social media.
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Plus, if you want some privacy, you can just flip the manual cover to turn off the camera and microphone. Wherever the holidays take you, Ring makes sure that you're always home for the holidays. So head to Ring.com to find the latest deals on Ring video doorbells, cams, and alarm kits. Ring makes the perfect gift for everyone on your list.
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That's my opinion, but stay tuned. We never know. I mean, what do you think?
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And if there are really thousands of sightings of these, someone is going to catch a video, if it is an alien or a UFO, an actual UFO, someone's going to catch a video that is good quality enough that we will be able to see and it will be convincing. If they don't, then it's just dickheads in their mom's garages. That's...
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If there are aliens and they got here, they're either been here for a long time, like octopuses, right, are aliens. Yeah. Or they are so fucking advanced that if they don't want to be seen, they're not going to be seen. If they want to be seen, they'll be seen. And also, if there are UFOs and it's advanced technology, they will fly in ways we have never seen things fly before.
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And again, there are videos out there that are pretty fucking convincing that the military has taken. You remember a couple of years ago that was released. That one still gets my gut. That one still makes me think, wow, maybe they did catch that on video. But so far, the New Jersey drones... Look like New Jersey drones.
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Yeah. It looks like New Jersey drones. So stop fucking around, people. It's not Elon Musk. It's not the aliens. It's just New Jersey drones. I think. My opinion. But you know what? Stay tuned. Tomorrow, we'll be back for more 12 Days of TCB. 13 Days of TCB. 20 Days of TCB. You count. You figure it out. However many episodes.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Speaking of anus, so the other day we were talking about Dr. Phil and speaking of doctors and anus, I told you that Dr. Phil had done a series of, let me remember this, he had done a series of commercials for the commercial break.
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I was talking to someone at the network today, and he was like, it actually ends up being 20 straight days. 20 straight days of TCB. That's amazing. We did it.
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Yeah, we're doing it. Which means we only have officially taken off four days the entire December. Isn't that crazy?
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Yes. But our traffic hasn't gone up one bit, so I don't know. No, I'm kidding. Oh, man. All right. Well, we wrapped up that Mountain Monsters nice and neatly. Yeah, and a bow for Christmas. We've still got lots of dating content to come. MTV, old MTV dating shows. The Love Connection. And a very special Christmas Eve and Christmas Day for you.
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You know we can only end the year with one kind of bow. And man, are we going to wrap it up for you. So stay tuned to the 12 Days of TCB. In the meantime, like so many of you have, please text us. Let us know how it's going. 212-433-3TCB. 212-433-3822. You can also follow us on Instagram at TheCommercialBreak. TCB Podcast on TikTok, or you can go to the website, tcbpodcast.com.
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There's more information about the show, all the audio, all the video right there from one location. If you'd like your free TCB bumper sticker, one that will probably last at least 30 days, go to the website at the contact us button. The dropdown menu says, I want my free sticker. You can give us your physical address and away it will go. Guess what?
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All episodes of The Commercial Break now available on video. We spent all this money to make the studio look nice. Why don't you go watch us look nice on YouTube.com slash The Commercial Break. Or you can check out the full episodes on Spotify about three days after they air. And I wish I could put them up the very same day, but it doesn't work that way.
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We just have to find a way to make money off that. Then we'll be great. There's a lot of people actually watching them on Spotify. So please tune in to Spotify a couple days after they air here and you can watch it. Donate to all the fantastic causes we've been talking about. The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, St. Jude, ASPCA, and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.
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So one of the ways you can grow your podcast is to dump a whole shitload of money into having other podcast influencers types to talk about your show. And obviously, it's a paid sponsorship. It happens during the commercial. So it's not like they actually like the show. It's like they're being paid to talk about the show.
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Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for right now.
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Until tomorrow, Chrissy and I will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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Yes. So one of our first... Like famous people that ever talked about the commercial break because we paid them was Dr. Phil on his little podcast that I can't remember what it was, but he has a couple different podcasts. And one of those, we managed to negotiate a deal with him.
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And unbelievably, it brought us quite a bit of traffic, which was surprising or not surprising, depending on how you look at it. I dug deep in the commercial break archives and I actually found because I'm religious about keeping every single thing.
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I deleted that. I deleted the Dr. Phil commercial, but air play or air drop or air, whatever it is. The what is that? I cloud kept it for me. The air. iCloud kept it for me, and I didn't want to disappoint the listeners. I wanted to follow up on this. One of the benefits of having Christina here is that she reminds me that I say something, and then we have to follow through on it.
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You're easy to ignore. Christina's new to the group.
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I don't want to let her know what an asshole I am quite yet. There's a whole thing with the ladies. I put my best foot forward for at least three months before I let you know what an actual shithead I am. So, Christina, on page eight, I think.
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Ladies and gentlemen, I want to present to you the, I think this is the very first read that Dr. Phil, let's listen to the excitement in Dr. Phil's voice as he talks about ghost fuckers. Go.
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And thanks to Ring for being a sponsor of the commercial break.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
They are our paid friends. To be fair to Dr. Phil, I actually wrote a sample script. And I said, if you haven't listened to the show, you can tell him that we paid. So he took my cue from that. But just listen to the enthusiasm of Dr. Phil's. The commercial break. The commercial break. Our new paid friends over the commercial break. By the way, are those dentures? Is that what I'm hearing?
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Am I hearing the dentures? Play it one more time. Is it on stop start?
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He does have a thick tongue. If I've ever seen a tongue... I've never seen a tongue so thick on a man.
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That's what she said. Hey! I mean, that's what you get. So when we were talking about paying influencers the other day to talk about our show... That's kind of what you get. So I even think if we could drum up $3.23 million to get Cristiano Ronaldo to talk about us, I'm sure what we would get was they paid me to say commercial break. Exactly. It's terrible.
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Yeah, and then you wonder why these things kind of, you know, sometimes they work and sometimes they don't. Dr. Phil, we had a stroke of luck. There are other people that we have paid that we've not had such luck. It will go remain nameless because they just won't get another order from us. But that's the world of paid influencing.
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And that is why 99.9% of the time when people ask us to do commercial reads for their podcast, I just say no. Because unless it's something that I'm really excited about listening to, it would be really hard for me to give it my full gusto.
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If you listen closely, you will know the difference between a product or service that Brian is excited about and a product or service that Brian is not excited about. If you listen to those commercial reads closely enough. But I never say they've paid us a lot of money to do this. Thank you, Dr. Phil, for all your kindness throughout the years. I mean, listen, can you fault the guy?
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Dr. Phil kind of took a weird left-right turn over the last couple of years. I was never like the world's biggest Dr. Phil fan. My mother was the world's biggest Dr. Phil fan when Dr. Phil offshot from Oprah and had his own show.
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Daytime TV. He was the king of daytime TV for a long time. When he... You know, he was like a cow doctor, I think. He was like a bovine doctor. And then Oprah got sued for saying that meat was murder or something along those lines.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
That was a big deal. And Dr. Phil showed up in her defense. And then somehow, someway, some shape, some form, he ended up on Oprah. I mean, literally, the guy ended up on Oprah giving people advice.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, he had a way to cut the mustard, Chrissy.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And at first, on the Dr. Phil show, it seemed like he was legitimately trying to help people with legitimate family issues. But I don't know. And then it dovetailed, like they all do. Season number three, it went to Jerry Springer-level craziness. And I think we've had some of the most... Do you know the... Who's that girl, Catch Me Outside, Cash Me Outside? Do you know the Cash Me Outside girl?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Isn't she like a famous musician now? You don't know? Oh, okay. I thought you were looking at me like you knew what I was saying.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, Cash Me Outside, how about that? She's become super famous in the social media circles. And the reason why is because she literally told Dr. Phil, catch me outside. And what she meant by that was, I'll kick your ass. Catch me outside because I'll kick your ass. Okay. It turned into one of the most bowdy, rowdy, insane shows ever.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And Dr. Phil, I think, in my opinion, lost any kind of credibility that a TV psychologist would have otherwise had. But it's high entertainment if you watch it just for that.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Did you know that she got her start on the Dr. Phil show?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
No, it all started on the Dr. Phil show. Wow. Unless I'm mistaken. Are we really connecting these two together?
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
She became best known for her appearance on Dr. Phil, but then became Bad Baby.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
What world are we living in? What insane world are we living in? I can't keep up. I think I saw somebody, I was reading an article the other day, and literally, I read someone's name, it had a dollar sign and an asterisk in it. How do you say dollar sign asterisk? Dollar.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
You are just damning. Unless you are super rich and super famous and you're going to pass that wealth down to your children, you are absolutely dooming your child to a world of... to a miserable life if you put a dollar sign and an asterisk in their name. Of course, maybe they chose that. Maybe that's what they chose. People want to be individuals right now.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
And that's why the Cash Me Outside girls made a career out of it. And we're still suffering and toiling the 12 fucking days of TCB.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Well, that's true. And he has thousands of episodes. Dr. Phil has to have thousands of episodes. I, I fault us for Dr. Phil. I fault us. Because, yes, he was a straight-talking, like, you know, no-nonsense kind of dad figure, right? He was a parental figure, I think, to millions of people on television who would literally cut through the mustard.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Best to you, Brian. Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 Days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
It was refreshing to hear someone not tiptoe, to hear a therapist type not tiptoe around things and be sensitive about your feelings, but just tell you how, call it like he saw it. But that quickly turned into some kind of muddled fucking mess.
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12 Days Of TCB: Not The Totem Pole!
Yeah, that's absolutely what they want to see. Maury Povich was a respected reporter at CVS at the pharmacy. he was a respected cbs reporter until he started doing paternity tests on tv and that's what he is best known for and people fucking love it they tune in by the millions to see are you the father which is amazing to me that's amazing well look at what we love on tlc yes