The Commercial Break
5:30!!
Tue, 13 May 2025 04:00:00 -0000
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EP#746: Bryan takes the kids over to Grandma Kiki's for Mother's Day and a stranger wants you to know dinner is a 5:30!! Plus, Bryan and Krissy are gearing up for their most ambitious idea yet: The 12 Hours of TCB! That’s right—twelve chaotic hours of podcasting, caffeine crashes, celebrity guests, and probably a few FCC violations. But before the madness begins, the dynamic duo checks in on their usual nonsense, which this week includes: disturbing dreams, Catholic guilt, and Krissy’s moral compass vs. Bryan’s Google search history. TCB Intro Clips: TCB Is terrible! Watch EP #745 on YouTube! Text us or leave us a voicemail: +1 (212) 433-3TCB FOLLOW US: Instagram: @thecommercialbreak Youtube: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast Website: www.tcbpodcast.com CREDITS: Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Executive Producer: Bryan Green Producer: Astrid B. Green Voice Over: Rachel McGrath TCBits Written, Voiced and Produced by Bryan Green To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: Who are the hosts and what is the episode about?
And even though I am far removed from the dogma of the Catholic religion, I do have to say there was a little tickle in my pickle— A nice little salute flag.
Yeah, a little scratch in my scritch. I just thought to myself, how wonderful that the new pope would be from the same place that I was born. The mean streets. The mean streets of suburbia Chicago. The mean streets of the south side of Oak Forest, Illinois. O.K.C. Forrest. Yeah, that was the hand sign. Yeah, that's right. O.A.K., baby. O.A.K. I'm from the O.A.K. What up?
What up, Pope?
What up, Leo? This sent everybody into a tizzy. Now, Chrissy and I were here recording when the white smoke puffed, when the pumpum was officially pumped out. They found out maybe it's pumpum. When the white smoke poured out, everybody was going crazy in the Vatican, and a lot of people on TV were also going crazy.
Oh, yeah. I was watching a thing where there were people that traveled there especially just to see it, and they're not even Catholic. They're not even Catholic. They just always dreamed of being there when the Pope was announced.
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Chapter 2: What is the significance of the new Pope from Chicago?
Not a dream of mine, but okay. I'd much rather watch it on TV. I went to the Vatican when the Pope wasn't even in the Vatican. And I got to tell you, it was a crowded place. I can't imagine being there when there's half a million people. It was crazy. The Vatican, if you haven't been, is the smallest country on earth. And it is tiny. I mean, five city square blocks.
I mean, five square city blocks. That's it. And so to pack all those people in there to see habeas pumpum. And the guy looks like a tiny little dick. I mean, he's up like 16 stories in the air. He comes out on the balcony and he waves and he's got his robes on and his little pumpum hat. Yeah, his little pumpum hat. He looks very cute up there. He's very cute. That's a mile away.
But everybody is very excited. I saw one couple had just gotten married at the Vatican. Oh, wow. with their Catholic pastor in tow. So they went to the Vatican to get married. I guess this is a thing you could do. Had I known that, still wouldn't have gotten married at the Vatican, but okay. Yeah, that seems pretty, like, you know people.
Listen, they were in their 70s, and they were from, I think they were from Chicago, or maybe it was Indianapolis. I can't remember. There was, like, a number of people they were talking to on the news, but... This old couple was so excited. I mean, this guy hadn't had a boner in 30 years, and you could see it through the screen.
He had such a boner that he was there when the Pope was picked on his wedding weekend. It was so exciting for him. And I thought, there is zero sex happening in that marriage.
Zero sex.
They said they were on the camera and they were like, we extended our honeymoon an extra couple of days so we could figure and see if maybe the Pope would be picked and habeas pumpum. It's from Chicago.
And I thought, oh, God, no one's getting laid in that relationship. No one. Why? That might be their turn on. Hey, listen. That might be their kink. Hey, listen, to each their own. Pope kink. There is a, the Pope kink. I don't see those two as the kind that watch The Young Pope, but hey, listen, maybe. The Young Pope was wild. I love that show. You got to get to that show.
It's so good. Well, what I did get to over the weekend of my weekend recovery was- You've got to talk to Jeff and say, hey, we've got to rearrange the schedule. Yeah, and I'm getting ready to go back again for the big barbecue thing. That won't be as wild and crazy. Says the girl who said that every time. You say that about every event.
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Chapter 3: What are the hosts' thoughts on priest celibacy and church reform?
Yeah. And then the split-offs and the Eastern Orthodox and this, that, Constantinople, all the popes. Istanbul is Constantinople. It made me think of that song. Istanbul is Constantinople. It made me think of that song. I thought that song was great.
Then there was the whole Renaissance period where they had mistresses and were having children. And the whole thing was intertwined with the families of Italy. So later down the line, there had to be a big reformation. But anyway, it was very fascinating.
For all intents and purposes, the pope acted like a king for a long time. The king of everybody. The king of everybody, of everything, of anybody. And a lot of craziness happened. I'm not going to go through the whole pope's history, but I will say this. is that the Reformation, when the Reformation happened, only then were priests and the Pope celibate for a long time.
The Pope was not only not celibate, he had wives and mistresses and all kind of crazy crap. And so, you know, I got a text message, and I'll share this because it wasn't – I don't think it was combative. I think it was trying to be instructive about how priests should be celibate because it's their – I understand the line of thinking. I'm not that dense.
And I grew up Catholic, so I got the whole thing. But I just... I would love it if we would look at our priests and our popes and our cardinals a little bit more like humans and a little bit like vessels directly to God. Because if we did that, then we could understand that they're fallible and we wouldn't follow them into the fire. Some people wouldn't follow them into the fire.
I think, quite frankly, there'd be a little bit more empathy for them. I think, quite frankly, we'd all feel a little bit better if our priests and our pastors and our pope had the ability to go out and get laid. That's all I'm saying. Hey, listen, I know that's like a hot take, but I don't really think it's a hot take because I heard a lot of people talking about it on the news.
Like there were newscasters who were asking priests and cardinals and deans of schools and, you know, people. prominent Catholics. Is this the Pope that could lead us into a time when we truly have some more like kind of open-minded thinking like the rest of the fucking world? I mean, rabbis are married, right? There's lots of, I think, Presbyterians, priests and pastors get married.
Baptists certainly have wives, some of them many wives. I mean, listen, I'm not for that, but here's what I'm sharing. I think the Catholic religion- They give an inch. given it. Just the tip. What if we said just the tip? Yeah. What if we said just the tip? No shaft, just the tip, just the tip. Wouldn't that make everybody feel better? I think it would make the priests feel better.
I'll tell you that right now. Let them blow off a little steam. Let them get an EPM in once in a while. I think this makes everybody a little bit more connected to humanity because in my opinion, and it's my humble opinion, The streets to God, or whatever you want to call it, whatever your version of God is, the streets to God are paved inside your body.
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Chapter 4: What is the story behind President Trump's private plane?
You're the lawyers. You figure it out. Say, I'm sorry. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I need the plane. I want that plane. Because I want that plane. I need the plane right now. I could just hear him. I could just hear him in the Oval Office. I don't care. Stop plane. I get it. I do. I understand. It's really one very just dripping in awesomeness airplane. Yeah. Yeah. When you dream.
Chrissy and I have a dream that we have an airplane once. But the furthest that I've dreamed is like you've seen those videos of people flying in to go climb Mount Everest. Yeah. Where they're flying in on like a six-seater airplane that's piled together with duct tape and the guy is yelling in some foreign language.
And they have to land on a half-inch runway and the plane, the wing falls off when they land. That's my vision of a private airplane for Chris. Well, we were also saying we would like maybe like the old Rolling Stones.
Yes. Yeah, I'll take that. Refurbished. The Iron Maiden plane that's still flying around. Even they had a 727 or something. Iron fucking maiden. They're like, that's pretty revolutionary. The iron fucking maiden had this little 727. Chrissy and I are going to get the Leonard Skinner version. The kind that doesn't fly. Sorry, Leonard Skinner fans.
Anyway, I forgot totally what I was saying about the phone. Me too. I totally forgot where we were going with this. Welcome to another ADHD episode. We started talking about Trump and the plane and then that kind of stuff.
Yeah, but I sidetracked on that plane for some reason. We started thinking about how opulent it was. My mind could not get off that plane when I saw it. At first I was like, motherfucker. It's going to take an airplane from a foreign government, one that we probably shouldn't be all that friendly with for a million different reasons.
It's like when Phil Mickelson took a billion dollars to go play golf. I was like, God damn it, Phil. And then I started thinking about all that money and how much Phil gambles.
Right.
His wife hates him. And I was like, well, I guess I can understand.
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Chapter 5: How did the hosts celebrate Mother's Day?
It's got a little Spanish flair to it. Casio 3000.
Yay! It's almost like mariachi. It is. Well, I asked it to do flamenco, but I think it went a little left. So, in case you don't know, I'm having fun with my new AI music recorder. Yeah, I put in some lyrics and I give it some direction and it goes wildly out of control and makes up these crazy shit. Well, you know, I said to the kids, I said, okay, listen, kids...
Yeah. What did you do? Is this what you did? This is really, really difficult because when you have younger kids that have minds of their own that can now speak full sentences and have no idea what a secret is, this is really difficult to do because they are desperate to say anything that comes to their mind. Oh, yeah.
It's to the point where, like, I told Astrid the other day, I said, I would love to finish a sentence. I would just love to finish a sentence. That's what I would love to do. I'm trying to teach the kids, like, you have to say, excuse me, wait until the conversation is over. There's a break in the conversation. And then you can jump in. But they are Venezuelan. And I don't know what to tell you.
They're Venezuelan. So they just talk over us. That's what they do. Because that's what Venezuelans do. So I say to them, okay, so one of my kids, one of my daughters, is desperate to decorate the entire household with 700 balloons, streamers, and pictures that she's going to draw on every wall. And I said, well, how many of them do you think you want to do? And she said, maybe 100.
And I said, 100? Yeah, on this wall. And I go, and what about that wall? And she goes, maybe 100. Okay. And so she's going down the hallway going 100 here and 100 there and 100 here. And I said, well, you better get drawn because this is going to take a long time. We got like eight days. Right.
So she's so, you know, there's like she draws and then the picture goes in the basket and then she draws the picture goes in the basket and then the other kids jump in. It's so sweet. It is so sweet. But I know Astrid. I know her. And this is what Astrid is going to say to me if I go to the store and I buy decorations, streamers, and flowers.
Oh, I love the flowers, but I would much rather have my hair done. Right.
Right? Yes. She's going to say to me. Where the money could have been spent. Yeah, where the money could have been spent. We do not have anybody from Dubai offering us a $700 million plane. Right. either on the podcast or off the podcast, right? We get free five-hour energy. That's... And an air freshener.
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Chapter 6: What challenges do Bryan and Astrid face with their children?
Chapter 7: How is AI used in the podcast and what is the AI song?
Good morning, Brian. Yeah, good morning, Chatty Patty. Did you sleep well? No. No, I did not. That is horrible. May I suggest a nap later on today? Your schedule is free after recording episode number 733,422 of The Commercial Break with Chrissy. What day is it? The day is May 13th, 2031. It's another sunny day at the village's retirement resort and brothel. Yeah, I know. Alright, any messages?
Yes, one message. Would you like me to read it? Is it from a bill collector? No, it's from your wife, Astrid. Sure, why not? Let's start the morning off wrong. Your ex has said the following. Sorry, we will not be able to come see you this week. We are very busy with shopping and the fashion week. Please make sure to pay the cleaning bill for the yacht.
I am traveling to Italy and the boat is dirty. I hope you do not mind that I asked Ricardo, the pool guy, to join me on the trip. I know you don't want me to be lonely. Also, your daughter needs an iPhone 33. Call your mother.
and please grow up okay thanks for that chatty is there any good news yes brian the good news is today you are officially the oldest podcaster alive congrats on this accomplishment wow okay well that's just miserable all right come on chatty you're an advanced ai model there has to be something you can do to cheer me up Sure. I could make a song to start your day off right. Love that.
Let's do that. Your wish is my command, Brian Green, creator and co-host of the least successful podcast in all of podcasting. I have scanned the entire digital archives and all records related to TCB. I have created a song using only reviews from some of your most loyal and adoring fans. Would that cheer you up?
You created a song using only real reviews and comments from our fans? I like that idea, Chatty. All right, play that tune.
Just a guy who rants, not funny at all. The co-host is asleep, she's pretty dull. Why people like the show? Why are they on the charts? What's the bald guy talking about? I tell the lovers to the steps. T.C. Is this what we think is funny now? How do I turn it off? My ears are saying ow Stop laughing at yourself Are these two making sense? At least I didn't pay I am deaf in my defense
That is being kind What is this show about? It's offensive to my soul. Brian is a hack. These two aren't funny and so old. Why all the hype? How did this get made? So many episodes, none of which are great. TCB is terrible. Worst show you could do. TCB is terrible. Worst to you.
On this episode of the Commercial Break.
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Chapter 8: What upcoming events and guests are featured on the show?
O.A.K. I'm from the O.A.K. What up?
What up, Pope?
What up, Leo? This sent everybody into a tizzy. Now, Chrissy and I were here recording when the white smoke puffed, when the pumpum was officially pumped out. They found out maybe it's pumpum. When the white smoke poured out, everybody was going crazy in the Vatican, and a lot of people on TV were also going crazy.
Oh, yeah. I was watching a thing where there were people that traveled there especially just to see it, and they're not even Catholic. They're not even Catholic. They just always dreamed of being there when the Pope was announced.
Not a dream of mine, but okay. I'd much rather watch it on TV. I went to the Vatican when the Pope wasn't even in the Vatican. And I got to tell you, it was a crowded place. I can't imagine being there when there's half a million people. It was crazy. The Vatican, if you haven't been, is the smallest country on earth. And it is tiny. I mean, five city square blocks.
I mean, five square city blocks. That's it. And so to pack all those people in there to see habeas pumpum. And the guy looks like a tiny little dick. I mean, he's up like 16 stories in the air. He comes out on the balcony and he waves and he's got his robes on and his little pumpum hat. Yeah, his little pumpum hat. He looks very cute up there. He's very cute. That's a mile away.
But everybody is very excited. I saw one couple had just gotten married at the Vatican. Oh, wow. with their Catholic pastor in tow. So they went to the Vatican to get married. I guess this is a thing you could do. Had I known that, still wouldn't have gotten married at the Vatican, but okay. Yeah, that seems pretty, like, you know people.
Listen, they were in their 70s, and they were from, I think they were from Chicago, or maybe it was Indianapolis. I can't remember. There was, like, a number of people they were talking to on the news, but... This old couple was so excited. I mean, this guy hadn't had a boner in 30 years, and you could see it through the screen.
He had such a boner that he was there when the Pope was picked on his wedding weekend. It was so exciting for him. And I thought, there is zero sex happening in that marriage.
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