Episode #662: Donate to St. Jude, The National Breast Cancer Coalition Fund, the ASPCA and the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence Megan and Harry A polo docuseries When your family doesn’t like your SO Parental Control, from MTV This is definitely not scripted A set up Watching your girlfriend go on a date with another guy Thirsty thirsty family Bryan’s Escape! OTS ankle massage Who does she choose! Text us or leave us a voicemail: +1 (212) 433-3TCB Follow Us: IG: @thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast YT: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak www.tcbpodcast.com Executive Producer: Bryan Green Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Producer: Astrid B. Green Producer & Audio Editor: Christina Archer Christina’s Podcast: Apple Podcasts & Spotify To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Best to you out there in the podcast universe and happy holidays. Sometimes podcasts like ours will take off a lot of time during the holidays, but not us. We're gluttons for punishment. So we have the 12 days of TCB coming at you. December 13th through the 25th, brand new episodes every single day and live fresh episodes during the entire holiday season.
As the great Clark Griswold once said, Holy shit, where's the Tylenol? Find it quick and join us this entire holiday season for brand new episodes of The Commercial Break.
you a Merry Christmas.
Oh, well, you know I know that one. Isn't it enough to host a party and now you're making me sing too?
All right, we wish you a Merry Christmas it is. All right.
Yes.
All right. Tell me when. Sing now. Santa Claus and Jesus are coming over now.
The next episode of The Commercial Break starts now. Ding dong.
Happy birthday, Jesus.
Oh, yeah, dancers and prancers, welcome back to the 12 Days of TCB. I'm Brian Green. This is the mistletoe to my camel toe, Kristen Joy Hoadley. Best to you, Kristen.
Best to you, Brian.
Best to you out there in the podcast universe. Thanks for joining us. Here we go. We're doing it. We're rolling through the 12 days, the 13 days, or the 20 days of TCB, depending on how you count it. Don't worry. We'll get our maths right in 2025. Megan and Harry making quite the, having quite the kerfuffle over there at Netflix. Are they? So, I have never really been into the royals.
I think we talked about this when the queen died and then, you know, we have to be careful. We have a... We have one of those in the building.
I'm not a royalist. She's a royalist. Don't let her bullshit you. No, I'm kidding.
Your parents are, though. Yeah. So, Meghan and Harry have broken away from the royals. Okay. Yeah, of course. And they came over here to the United States, I think in the hopes and the wishes, probably the expectation that they would take over America, that they would be the king and queen of the United States of America, at least in a pop culture sense, right? Yeah.
Because, you know, Meghan had already been famous here in the United States. And then, you know, everybody loves Harry after his jaunt in Las Vegas with his penis hanging out. You know, everyone was really excited. You remember that? Remember when he was showing his penis in Las Vegas? Good for Harry. Don't stop Harry from having a good time. You can't fault Harry.
Being a royal has got to suck in a lot of ways. I mean, it's got to be awesome in a lot of ways, but it's got to suck in a lot of ways. So they break away from the Royals. They make the announcement. They come over to California to embed with all the other rich people, Kanye and Kim and all those other people. And then Netflix comes a calling, as you know that they would.
It was either going to be a podcast on Amazon Studios or it was going to be Netflix. And Netflix, being the king of the... streaming world, so to speak, said, here's $100 million. Go out there and make us some fresh content. And Meghan and Harry promised to deliver. And what they delivered was a hot steaming... They walked in the room. They walked in the Netflix executive boardroom.
They stood on the table and they delivered a hot steaming pile of turd. Because besides that very first reality show that they had, that really, let's be honest about it, while it revealed some stuff about the royals... Was it a reality show?
I think it was... I think a documentary, whatever.
While it was... Interesting in some respects. It wasn't their story. Yeah, it wasn't that interesting. I mean, let's be honest about it. And since then, they have done almost nothing of note. And now to cap their story. Time at Netflix, the hundred million dollars, one hundred million dollars that they received to create these like four shitty television shows.
They have produced a I guess a 10 part miniseries on Polo, a docuseries on Polo.
Oh, is that the polo thing?
Yes. I actually wanted to watch that. Bringing polo to the masses. Because, you know, when you have to buy horses, stables, hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of veterinary care, and you have to have four horses just to play one match of polo. Four horses.
You have four?
Yes. And they're six-minute little intervals. I don't know what they call them. Hex or cues or quads. Jaunts. Jaunts. Yeah, jaunt. Four different horses that you switch, like every three minutes you switch a horse and you rest one and then you go. I watched the first 15 minutes of this terrible, terrible documentary trying to make it look like polo is the everyman sport.
That people who play polo are really sports heroes. And that the people around them suffer because of the sport that they play. Sacrifice, toil, and trouble that comes with playing polo in Palm Beach, Florida. Fuck you! Megan and Harry, fuck you. I got to be real honest with you. This is the dumbest fucking idea that they could have possibly had. They make themselves look even more entitled.
They make themselves look even more out of touch. And they put themselves at a level that is unbelievably unattainable. No one can play polo because it's such a fucking expensive sport. Let's not even get into the treatment of the horses. You don't have enough time in your lifetime, in two of your regular lifetimes, to even have one year of polo.
Two of my regulars.
Two of your regulars equal one day of Meghan and Harry. Because apparently Harry can twiddle off to fucking St. Croix and play a polo match while you and I are sitting here doing the 65,000 hours of TCB just so we can pay health insurance. It's fucking unbelievable. It really is.
It's the audacity to try and make polo seem like an everyman's sport, when what it really is, is like the egotistical, it's like the epitome of obnoxious, rich entitlement, in my opinion. And I watched however long I could digest of this, and all it shows is good-looking, white, rich men Doing nothing but riding their horses along all day. Riding their red rockets as they do.
Boys just mounting things as they do. Shirtless sometimes because let's make sure we get in the abs.
Okay, I'm scratching that off the list then. Please. Going back to Queer Eye.
Yes, thank you. Let's get to something that's a little bit more realistic. Like, you know, gay guys dolling up straight guys for a hobby. Let me tell you something. If Netflix wants to spend $100 million, they can come here and drop $100 million right here, and I will work so fucking hard to give you the most mediocre content that's ever been produced on Netflix.
It won't be all that good, but it won't be terrible, I promise you. And it won't be about fucking horses and rich people. Meghan and Harry. That's all I got to say. Honestly, I was kind of rooting for Meghan and Harry at some point. I was like, okay, they're getting a bad rap. They're over here. They're just trying to make their way in the world.
I was too.
But now that this polo thing has come out, I'm 100% against Meghan and Harry.
Are they shown in it?
briefly okay briefly because you know they don't want to they didn't want it to be a documentary about harry just playing polo but this is such a steaming pile of turd and netflix knows it that there has been no promotional materials made no one has been out on podcasts uh abc nbc morning shows no one's talking about it there are no trailers running around you know other streaming platforms or however they do these things and there's no conversation to our
no one's coming yes no one's i haven't seen harry at the commercial break yet or any of those other spoiled rich brats i mean honestly it's you watch 15 minutes of it well i saw a clip of it the other day you know how it just automatically plays when you hit on a show which can be kind of annoying yes but it just automatically played and i was like oh polo i don't know maybe i'll save it but maybe not
See if you can digest even 30 minutes of this particular show.
Yeah, I'm not that interested.
It really got my goat. In a time when people are really suffering to make ends meet, and a lot of us are struggling with paying healthcare costs or for feeding our families or getting from point A to point B. Listen, we are blessed that we get to make a living doing what we're doing. Super blessed. And I'll never complain about it.
having this job I don't dig ditches for a living I'm not up on high rises you know doing rivets or do they still do rivets I'm not sure do they still do rivets okay whatever it is I'm doing I'm not complaining about doing this for a living what's rivets window washing rivets you know rivets you know the guys that we used to like the iron workers they would do rivets hot rivets they'd throw them to each other in buckets never mind this is a different story for a different day but we don't do rivets and so you know I feel blessed in that sense I really do
But to try and make polo approachable, like as if it was something that anybody, that 99.99% of human beings could even pretend to want to do. Listen, golf is bad enough. You really, you have to pay $150 every time. Do you hear that? I have horses running right outside my door. That is unbelievable how loud that is.
My daughter, one of my daughters is so loud, she walks like her dad does with her heels, and you can just hear it all through the entire house. To make polo try and seem approachable, and that people suffer because of the sport that they play.
What was the suffering that was happening?
Oh, it's like in the beginning, you know how they say, coming up on this season of, you know, right? It's these wives of the polo players, and they're like... Everybody around him, you know, no one gets enough time from him. Everybody suffers because of polo. Everybody.
Oh, God.
Meanwhile, suffering is not drinking, you know, lazy teenies in fucking, you know, Martinique every Thursday on your way to your private jet going to a polo match. That's not suffering.
suffering is uh being denied health care that's what suffering is and these people have no idea what suffering is because that's not the world that they live in i mean i listen i understand suffering is relative like stress is relative suffering is relative and if you work hard for your money i don't fault you for being a billionaire a millionaire do what you want to do with it but please don't try and pull the wool over our eyes and all of a sudden make it seem like polo is the thing everybody we should have been paying attention to polo all along
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, no, it's not relatable at all.
You look at the formula for a successful sports documentary, docupick, docudrama, whatever it is. Aaron Hernandez story. Aaron Hernandez came from nothing. Now, he did murder a bunch of people. I'm sorry about that. But he came from nothing, right? The guy comes from nothing. Father is abusive. No money in the home.
and he struggles all his life to be accepted, to figure out who he is, and he becomes one of the better football players. A lot of drama, a lot of strife. In there is brewing a good story for a docu-series or a docudrama or whatever it is. My 15th horse has a sprain, so I can't use him in my polo match today is not anything that I'm fucking concerned with.
It really isn't, except for the horse that has the strain, quote unquote, because we really know what's going on. That horse is in the glue factory, fuckers.
fuck you megan and harry fuck you you know who's gonna get mad about this marianne because she is a royalist oh she is she is a royal well actually maybe she's a royalist she won't really care about megan and harry well that's true she's a true royalist right that's true how do your parents feel about megan and harry they hate them of course they do of course i get it are they fans of charles
I don't think they have any thoughts about Charles, really, but I'm not totally sure.
Does anybody have any thoughts about Charles?
I think they have a general respect, and that's probably all they care about. It's just part of their culture.
It's part of their existence. It is what it is, and they're not really plussed either way. They don't really give a shit. Well, listen, I didn't really give a shit until I saw... The absolute shit show that was Polo on Netflix. I mean, $100 million. $100 million.
They've had some other stuff that's gone belly up.
They've had a lot of stuff that's just kind of failed because, let's be honest about it, they're not all that good at making television. There was like this whole expose on the Daily Beast. I know, it's terrible.
There's this whole expose on the Daily Beast or something about this particular series and how the people at Netflix are so frustrated with Meghan and Harry, Meghan specifically, because they had come to Netflix and pitched that they were going to put together a television series called
docu-series that basically touched people's lives and you know did good work and bridged whatever and then they come to them with this like you know completed polo series and netflix is like what the fuck is that you know what the fuck is this why are we doing this and that's why they're burying it and now apparently what is left in the can is a cooking show by megan and
That has been sitting on the shelf for like nine months that no one wants to put out there for whatever reason. I don't know. I don't get into the specifics about Netflix. But I'm telling you right now, Netflix could drop a tenth of that, $10 million on us, and we would create some high entertainment. I'd basically just take a camera and watch my kids run up and down the – Oh, my God. Hey, guys.
Hey, we're trying to work it here. I'm trying not to become the Megan and Harry of podcasting and drop a steaming pile on everybody. I wonder if that comes through on the actual audio. It's got to, right? If it's that loud.
It does. Yeah, it does. Here and there.
It does? Okay.
Even after it's been.
Yes.
Leveled and everything.
That's the little pitter patter of Santa's elves. I just want you to know that. All right. Well, listen, let's take a break. I'll go yell at my children and give them reason for therapy later on in life. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence is the charity that we're currently supporting. Thank you so much for having me.
They give money to local organizations that help shelter women and families from abusive men or abusive relationships. And they do financial literacy and education for women who've been in abusive relationships so they can get out there in the world and start anew. It's a great cause that really – there's so many charities out there. I feel like this is one. Sometimes it gets lost in the shuffle.
Uh, we need it more than ever. You know what I'm talking about? So get off your lazy ass and donate five. Don't be Megan and Harry donate $5. We'll be back.
Holidays getting you down? Family acting out of pocket? Text us and tell us all about it at 212-433-3TCB. Or leave us a voicemail with all of the unhinged and or spicy details. And then follow us on Instagram at thecommercialbreak.com. and on TikTok at TCB Podcast if you need a laugh or an escape.
You can always escape for a full hour and watch our YouTube videos at youtube.com slash thecommercialbreak while you simultaneously peruse our website, tcbpodcast.com, to find out all there is to know about Brian and Chrissy. Now let's hear from our sponsors so we can afford the holidays this year.
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All right, I've sufficiently beat my children into submission, so we shouldn't hear any more of that. Okay, so after my Megan and Harry rant, you remember the first time you went to Jeff's house for the holidays, Jeff's parents' house for the holidays, Jeff's family's house for the holidays. Yes. How was it?
It was great. You're a little nervous. Of course, yes. But his mom was lovely, and yeah, it was fantastic. This whole family was very welcoming.
Yes. I think that is, in my opinion, the first time you meet the parents or the parents and then the first time you do holidays together.
Yes.
Those are two big indicators of whether or not things are on the right track. Yes. Are you going to be a fit? You guys can get along just perfectly fine together, but... Do you do well on vacation? Do you do well when you're sick? Do you do well staying together in the same place more than five nights in a row? And do you get together or do you do well at family events, introductions, family?
And those family holidays, those can be make it or break it. Because let's be honest, if you go over to your loved one's house and their parents are shitheads or you just don't get along with them or they give you the side eye, it's very difficult to get over that. You don't want to go to your loved one's families forever. holidays, you're likely not going to last very long.
And I have been through this. I know this. I stayed with someone way too long, and their family hated me. And it was very uncomfortable. They hated me so much that I wouldn't even get invited to the holidays. What? It would be like she would just avoid it. You know, well, I'm going to go to my mom's on Christmas Eve, so I'll see you on Christmas Day. Really? And I'd be like...
You, I, you don't want me to come in. No, it's like a pajama party probably. And then I would see pictures on Facebook and there'd be like 12 people over there. Me not included. Fuck you.
Wow.
Yes. You know what I'm talking about. Yeah. It was just a drama or she would start an argument the day before Christmas, even that way. It was, there was an excuse not to have me over. The truth was, I don't think her family liked me. I didn't like them very much. Any, it was a, it was a, it was mutual. Yeah. I don't like you either. Yeah. It was really her stepdad that I didn't like.
But anyway, besides the point, parents have a lot of influence and sway over people's relationships. Families and parents, they can make or break a relationship. And here, while we're talking about this, I'm going to give you a little piece of Brian Greene advice when it comes to families and relationships.
Do not tell your mom or dad, brother or sister, or maybe even best friend about every single argument that you have with your partner. No. Because they will slowly start to despise your partner and it will come tearing apart at the seams when your mother and father tell you that they're no good for you because all you guys do is fight because that's all you talk about is when you fight.
So that's my little advice.
But the truth is that you weren't good for each other. Fuck you.
I don't know about you guys, but everything that gets told to me gets told straight to my sisters. Oh, yeah.
Okay, sisters, I think you can get... There's like a little bit of an exception there because sisters and brothers, you have that...
But I have seen this play out in real life where you slowly start to turn people against your partner, even though that's not really how you feel, because the thing that you talk most loudly about or most forcefully about are the arguments and disagreements that you have. And you don't color it in with all the wonderful that they're doing. But you're right. They were bad for me in the first place.
So fuck them. In the 90s, MTV knew this. MTV knew that parents held the most sway over who their children dated or fell in love with. And they built a whole show around it, Chrissy. And it was called Parental Control. Now, while I was hunting, Christina and I got in a text message chain. She was telling me about another MTV show we may or may not review.
And then that got me thinking about the other dating shows that were on MTV in the 90s and early 2000s that were, quite frankly, fucking insane. They would never fly now. But back then, it was a different time. Parental Control was a short-lived show. I think it was only three or four seasons. But it was a literally... I mean, it's a great concept.
I'm not sure how well it's done, but it's a great concept. And that is rather than you pick your boyfriend or girlfriend, the parents will. And here's the twist. You already have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So it's your parents trying to pick a new boyfriend or girlfriend. I mean, who agrees to go on these fucking shows?
You must be so thirsty when you say, yeah, I'll let your mom and dad pick a new dick. Yeah, no problem. I got that part down. So parental control. I thought it would be a great time this Christmas, now that we're thinking about spending time with family we don't love, to go ahead and review parental control.
Let's do it.
You want to do that?
Yes.
All right, I may need your help. Hi, I'm Eddie. I got it. Ah, there you go. All right, this is an episode... Parental control.
This is an episode.
This is an episode.
This is an episode. Whabam! Episode!
My family-owned construction company.
And I'm Monica.
I kill people for a living.
I'm the general manager for our company.
I also kill people for a living. And my hair is awesome.
Lauren is a total catch.
She's beautiful, sweet, and so much fun.
Can I just say the out loud part here? Lauren does not look like the child of the father. I'm just going to share that right now. But Lauren might be adopted. You never know. There's just one problem.
His fucking boyfriend. We hate him. We hate him. What? What is this guy?
He came straight out of a Blink-182 video. He's wearing sunglasses, spiky gelled hair, graphic t-shirt, and board shorts. And he got really close to the camera from up to down. Of course. That's all the rage back there. Limp Bizkit.
That's an original Limp Bizkit move, Chrissy. Fred Durst originated that move.
Face into the camera.
Boyfriend is a jerk.
They bleeped out jerk. They really bleeped out jerk.
My, how times have changed.
Yeah, things have changed. She's dating Jeremy. They've been together for three months, and Lauren thinks he's a dream come true. But her parents think he's a total nightmare. So they're sending Lauren up on two blind dates with guys they've each handpicked just for her.
If you think this is hard for Lauren, imagine how tough it will be for Jeremy when he sits down with her parents and they watch the days together.
Oh, God, he sits down with them.
This is the most New Jersey family I've ever seen in my entire life, by the way.
They're responsible for the trends.
Yes. Teresa Caputo haircut on the mom. Dad's, what does he have, a trash compacting company or something, a construction company? Waste management. Yes. And now the little soprano in training is sitting next to them waiting for the girlfriend to go out on two dates. Handpicked by mom and dad. How do they handpick them? Find them in a grocery store?
Yeah. I think MTV shoves them to them.
I'm pretty sure the producers just showed up at the front door with these two good necks.
I have amazing legs. I can't believe this. He's touching her calves and I'm sitting next to you cows.
Enjoy looking at her on the screen because it's over, pal.
I can't believe this. She's touching his legs and I got to sit here reading jokes the producers wrote. At the end of the day, he probably said, this really sucks.
MTV bleeped it out.
Lauren will have to decide which guy she wants to keep seeing. Her boyfriend, Jeremy, or one of the new guys her parents have selected for her.
New guy.
New guy.
New guy.
New dick. New dick. No control. This is back when shows actually had an opening, like a theme song. Now it's just, you just go straight into the television show. People don't have the patience for theme songs anymore.
Hi, I'm Lauren.
My boyfriend's name is Jeremy. He's super hot and he knows how to break it down.
First of all, when it's break it down. Yeah. Well, now they would say he knows how to dick me down.
Really makes me. Oh, my God.
Angry when Jeremy criticizes or insults Lauren.
Whoa, bad hair day. He cuts her down and makes her feel bad about herself. Damn, girl, you got some chicken legs. Is that what you're wearing?
He's the one that's going to be feeling bad, if you know what I mean. Jeremy.
My pretend punching abilities are right here. Wow. Now, clearly, this is just for the camera. This is all scripted, you can tell, because they're poorly saying these lines. But if he really does say things like that to her, then I can understand where these parents are coming from. 100%. Someone's talking like that to my daughter in front of me, and it's game over.
Oh, yeah. Wears his sunglasses all the time, even indoors.
What does he think? He's some kind of movie star? He's afraid to get recognized?
Forget the sunglasses. Do us all a favor and just put a bag over your head. Yeah, I got that. Drives me crazy that Jeremy ends every sentence with, oh, yeah. Pork rinds. Oh, yeah.
Baby, I love you. GED. Oh, yeah. Suspended license. Oh, yeah. Syphilis. Herpes simplex A. Oh, yeah.
ah yeah ah yeah tuna casserole may i finish this sentence ah yeah pre-ejaculation jeremy you're out of here for good oh yeah and how about this one lauren's boyfriend throws temper tantrums anytime he doesn't get his way he stomps his feet and yells like a little baby they gave me kung pao i ordered orange Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. Oh, interception. God, this is not fair.
What's the matter, Jeremy? You need someone to come in and change your diaper?
Our daughter needs to be with someone who appreciates all she has to offer. Jeremy, it's time for you to move on.
Because you're out of here.
We're going to find a new boner for her to ride. MTV Network's casting call.
They're outside the MTV Network's building, which is so un-MTV-like. I just have to say that. It's like it's just a normal office building. And they have a line. What I can imagine is clearly set up a shot of a line of guys, maybe 50 of them, standing in line waiting to get the front door.
Time for mom and dad to meet the potential blind dates for Lauren.
Hi. Hey, I'm Dylan.
Was that Nick Lachey? I think it was Nick Lachey. Well, he lasted about as long on this as he does on that Love is Blind. They walk in and walk out of the door. Yeah, that's true. And by the way, I'm making fun of people showing up to the MTV networks. This is the guy who sent in at least two applications to real world. That's right. At least. Yep.
Thanks for coming.
So what do you do for a living? I work at a gym. I'm working in a grocery store. I sell insurance. I'm a semi-pro babysitter.
What the hell is insurance? I practice masturbating.
I sell insurance.
Aren't they like in high school? Yes.
I got to imagine they're like in their early 20s. But yeah, he said I'm a semi-pro babysitter. A semi-pro babysitter.
My pro.
Sometimes I watch them. Sometimes I don't. I'm a full-time student and an athlete. I'm working on being a kid's pastor.
I set rat traps for a living.
Like an exterminator?
Are you serious? Yeah, puts food on the table.
Hey, listen, that's a guy I can get behind right there. Not the rat trap part. Sorry, you're out. But a guy who actually gets his hands dirty for a living is someone I'm okay with.
I rap and dance. Fold clothes all day. Right now, I'm not really doing much. Just freelance construction. Right. I'm in construction myself. Could you hook me up with a job?
I thought you were here for a date, not a job.
Well, listen, if we could knock out two at the same time, I'd certainly appreciate it. Do you see my t-shirt? Who is that? Who's on the front of that t-shirt?
It looks like Mandy Moore.
It is Mandy Moore.
There you go. And a wolf. Yeah.
Nothing like showing up with the graphic wolf tee that's got Mandy Moore on it to profess your love to Mandy Moore. And keep it open, you know.
What's something you like about a woman? Starts with the letter B. Boobs. Boobs. Boobs.
Why does it always have to come down to boobs?
uh beavis beavis to be fair i think it's the first yeah you set them up for that one yeah i would have said brains but you know okay
I thought we were coming up to booze.
I'd have to say her beauty.
Oh, my God. I love that answer.
Badonkadonk.
Badonkadonk. Oh, my God. This is a relic. Someone put this in a time capsule.
Junk in the trunk. So you like big butts? I cannot lie.
I knew you were going to say that. I don't know.
Okay, well, hey, he's a man. What do you expect?
We need somebody who can be there for our daughter in good times and in bad. Put on this wig, pretend you're my best friend, and try to cheer me up.
I'm not sure who's more thirsty here, the parents or the kids. The parents definitely seem thirsty.
Hey, what's the matter? Why are you so upset? Have I told you that you're awesome? Every guy at school loves you. Hey, girlfriend. I'm sad. Cheer me up.
I'll give you a back massage.
I'll give you a front massage.
Dad's like, uh-uh.
What?
Well, we already know that the parents aren't going to like this guy for stereotypical. Listen, New Jersey drones. That's all I got to say. Jersey drones.
Come here, sweetheart. Come here. Tell me about your feelings. Why are you such a picture? I'm depressed. Cheer me up. Make me smile. Give me a break. I'm trying. This conversation is over.
He said, give me a break, bitch. I'm trying. Nothing like impressing mom. Like calling her a bitch.
Tell me one thing you like to do before you die. A menage a trois. A five some. Intercourse.
A five some. Intercourse. He said intercourse. Well, at least his expectations are reasonable.
And her course. I'd like to try that before I die. Uh-huh. I want to run a marathon. I've always wanted to kick down a door. Just find some random door and... Kick down a door?
That's big goals. You dream big, baby.
I would like to have... That guy is literally a definition of a lug nut.
He is amoeba. Baby with Angelique Jolie.
Who wouldn't, huh?
Yeah. I'm...
I want to be the first man to walk on the moon.
Oh, dude, come on, man. You clearly. I mean, is this Joe Rogan? Is this Rogan?
You know, we've already been there.
Why should we pick you to date our daughter? Why shouldn't you pick me? That is the real question.
Because I'll always be there for her. I'm a good guy. I'll treat her right. I'm a gentleman. I'm always going to be opening doors for her. It's a great answer. Because I have an IQ of 60?
Yeah, yeah. 60 is nothing to brag about, bro. First of all. Second of all, we all know who they're going to pick. They're going to pick the dude with the hat who sets the rat traps. And they're going to pick Johnny Come Lately with the Mountain Dew hair.
The beauty. Oh, I mean 160. That's right. I'm good looking. I have a big brain. My butterscotch nipple. Oh, ****. What? Do you want one scoop or two?
Oh. I'll cheat your daughter out. Wow.
I didn't mean to say that.
We have raised an entire generation of morons. These are the same guys, by the way, that are crypto bros now. I just want you to know that.
Oh.
Thank you very much for coming. No problem. Thank you.
Nice meeting you. Thank you, guys. Don't be a fake ring. I'm in for the real thing here. Cool.
I love this music. It is so 2000. Okay, let's do this. Let's see what we got. I'm so ready. All right. That's my baby right there.
Well, that's your pick, and that's my pick.
Meanwhile, are they on a Macintosh 001? I think they're using a laptop to pick. I think so. And MTV has put a, like, has overlaid it with a shot of the six guys that, or nine guys that they're looking at. This could not have been more unrealistic, this show.
Oh, it's so stupid.
Jeremy, life's going to be good.
All right.
So here's what's up. My mom and dad think my boyfriend Jeremy is bad news. So they each set me up on a blind date. My mom's choice is up first. She really likes funny guys, so I bet he'll make me laugh.
Jeremy, why don't you take off those sunglasses and show some respect?
What are you going to do about it? Oh, my God.
This guy. Wow.
Yeah, the guy who's currently dating their daughter. Yeah, I think he then went on to try on for Jersey Shore. Then he went on to try on.
Yeah, he's in Jersey Shore Rejects.
Oh, yes. He looks like a Jersey Shore Reject. He's a punk ass.
I may be a punk ass, but you're a fat ass. Damn.
Ooh. I mean... If one of my daughter's boyfriends said that to me. No way.
Mama. My guy. Wait till you see the eye candy I picked for you.
The guy who sets rat traps.
Oh, I knew it was going to be him.
Oh, Chad.
Chad's the one who said beauty.
Yes. Versus the bee. I can't believe his name is really Chad.
Hey, Chad. Come on in. Thanks. The guy I picked is a sweetie. He's not full of himself at all, and I think my Lauren's gonna love him. My gorgeous daughter, Lauren.
I'll make your daughter happy, and she'll have to... And I'll bone her right in front of her boyfriend. I'm up for cucking. You know what I'm saying, Mom, Dad? Tons of fun.
And her creepy boyfriend.
He's got his sunglasses on. And he slowly pulls them down.
Honestly, if there's any reality in this, like if this actually happened, that the new potential boyfriend showed up at a function at the house and you had to sit there and watch your girlfriend go on a date with another guy, that would be torture, I think. Especially for an 18-year-old.
No!
Nice sunglasses, bro.
When Chad walked in, I was like, I got to get some mayonnaise for that white bread. Screw that, dude.
Sloane, you ready to go on our date? Let's go. All right, let's do it.
Mayonnaise for that white bread. I don't remember that dig.
Me and my eyebrows will be here waiting for you. Me and all 12 inches of my eyebrows will be right here waiting for you.
Not too much fun. No touching.
I walked in the door. He seemed sweet and really good-looking.
Lauren and Chad are off on some high-speed fun while mom, dad, and boyfriend Jeremy get to watch the action right from their living room.
Good pick, mom.
Hey, you don't f***ing hear me. I want to make sure you see this. What the f***?
This dude needs to eat the cheeseburger. He's really skinny. He is very skinny. All right, before we get into the dates, maybe we should take a break. Let's remind you one more time. We would love if you would do some good with us this holiday season and donate to one of the charities. This one y'all picked, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. Couldn't agree more on this one.
Helping women and children who have suffered at the hands of abusers get back on their feet and make their way in the world. Just like good old Jeremy here is going to have to do after his girlfriend goes out with a real man. All right, let's take a break and we'll be back.
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All right, and we're back with Parental Control. We're currently watching, what's his name? Can't remember. Jeremy. We're watching Jeremy suffer at the hands of MTV as his girlfriend goes on a date with the real man.
Chad. Hey, pay attention.
Chad, I just can't get over his name is actually Chad.
Then you might learn something.
Yeah, whatever.
We got these surfboards. We're not by the ocean. What's going on?
We're going to do a little sport I like to call scurfing.
Look at how cute he is. Why don't you date him? He's got more personality than that robot man over there. Who would you know about?
Ooh, snap. Does MTV pay for the counseling after this? They're going scurfing, by the way, which I've done many times myself.
What is scurfing? I have no idea. Personality.
Here we go. A skateboard that looks like a surfboard.
Yeah, that is honestly the dumbest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. Who wants to skateboard on a ten and a half foot long surfboard?
Real revolutionary.
It's so revolutionary, it really took off.
Yeah, notice all the kids scurfing out there. I belong to the National Association of Scurfers. I'm a scurf herder, if you know what I mean. And by the way, and we'll talk about this when this is done, but what really surprises me about this is how truncated these dates end up being. Watch. They're going to go skate down one half a block.
They're going to have a little picnic in the park, and then it's going to be done. She's got to choose someone else.
Don't you wish you guys could do fun things like that?
This is like the X Games, except it's like the Z's games.
Let's do it for real. Wait for me.
That's what you call having fun.
Good, clean fun. We have clean fun.
I shower with her all the time.
Oh, man.
Geez.
Yeah, they did.
Did they put them on cue cards or something? They must. This guy is not smart enough to come up with these on his own.
So did you have fun?
I had a great time.
Let's get something to eat. Let's get some chow. Let's get off these skirts and let's go chow down on some dogs and some munchies.
Wouldn't it be nice for a train to have a guy look like that show up for our daughter?
Yes, it would. What is the difference between the T-shirt and jeans that the current guy is wearing and the T-shirt and jeans that the other guy is wearing?
No, it's not much difference. Well, there is some difference.
It's so much fun. I think scurfing is my new favorite sport.
I'm glad. Scurfing is awesome. So I brought us some fish tacos because fish tacos go perfect after a day of scurfing.
hey mom you ever make fish tacos uh yeah i sure do dad you ever eat mom's fish tacos does not oh it gets so much worse are so what are some of your favorite foods
My favorite foods, I'd probably say strawberries and chocolate with a little whipped cream.
Yeah, your daughter and I were playing with strawberries and whipped cream last night. I will kill you.
No, no, seriously. No, no, seriously. She put whipped cream in my balls. No, seriously, Dad. I'll kill you. Hey, Dad, have you ever put whipped cream on your wife's nipples?
Yeah. We were cooking. I made dessert last night. Mom, it was almost as good as your first taco.
So what's the deal with your boyfriend anyway?
Is that her brother? Why is he calling her mom?
There's no way. Yeah, honestly. They're not married. This is weird. This is weird. It's all weird.
He has a bad temper tantrum problem. That's not good. I don't have a bad temper tantrum problem. Wow. Do you have a bad temper?
Not really. Give me my pillow! Not really. I'm pretty loaded on Z's and wacky tabacky.
Meanwhile, this guy's throwing a fit over here.
So how do you control your anger?
I like to do some yoga. Just something that relieves some stress.
Yoga.
Before you go, I got something for you to remember the state by. Every scurfer needs their board wax, and this is my favorite brand. Well, thank you. I had an amazing 15 minutes with you.
Thank you.
I had an amazing seven minutes with you. I'm glad. Scurfing is my new favorite sport. I didn't even have a chance to eat a fish taco. Bye.
We should probably get you back home now.
Okay, let's go.
All right.
Isn't he awesome? Oh my God.
Dude, you're out of here.
I just got back from my date with Chad and it was crazy fun.
Was it crazy fun? Was it really crazy fun? Yeah. I have a feeling that they picked people who were... The family dynamics were already well established. They know that she's going to pick the guy she's already dating and that this is just like... They're thirsty. They're going on TV to be on TV. Yes, of course this is pretend. You don't talk to your...
your loved one's parents like this and expect to get away with it.
Any second. I hope this guy is just as adventurous.
Lauren, are you ready to go out with an adult instead of a moron that throws hissy fits? Shut up. I'm not the one who throws hissy fits. Yeah, you are. You're a little whiner, a little freaking baby. I hate you guys. All right.
I swear, I think that's her real brother.
It's got to be her brother. You might be right about this. It might be the brother. Real man's like, Lauren.
Are you nervous? You have nothing to worry about.
Oh, Dylan. Dylan and Chad. Hey, Dylan, come on in.
Dylan's got a little bit of the bead, you know, cut going on.
Hey, Dylan, come on in, bro.
Me and you are buds. Good kid. That kid is awesome. I just hope Lauren likes him at least half as much as I do. And my beautiful daughter. Wow, that's weird.
I just hope Lauren sees in him what I saw in him. Fine, firm arms and a nice round potato bottom.
Gentlemen, I'm always going to be opening doors for her.
When Dylan walked in, I said to myself, I would do her. Then I realized it was a guy.
You ready to go?
All set.
All right, let's go. Remember what we talked about. Remember what we talked about, my sweet dick. How much you love the motion in this ocean, baby. Remember, I'll be thinking about you. And if you choose someone else, I'm going to break things in the house.
She's mine now.
Bullshit.
When I first saw Dylan, he definitely looked like an athlete. I love Josh. Does he?
Does he really look like an athlete? What kind of athlete does he look like? A bowler?
A polo player. Yeah, a polo player. That's right. Lauren and Dylan are off for some one-on-one time while mom, dad, and Jeremy are back at the house, ready to see how things are.
Meanwhile, both of these dates take place on the same day if the clothing is any indicator because they're wearing the exact same thing they were wearing for the last date.
Seriously, did you see that guy's hair? What do you call that?
You see that? He criticizes Lauren just like that.
Only when her hair looks like **** too. Such a jerk.
He's kind of a douche.
What happened to Jeremy?
Oh, I know what happened to Jeremy. He got his GED and now he's working for the local sanitation company selling ecstasy on weeknights at the under 18 club in the boardwalk.
So I brought you to this soccer field because I thought we'd play a little soccer. Got a little jersey for you.
Why don't you take this and go... I brought you to this local soccer field so you can play with my balls. Change and I'll meet you back here. What is this, gym class?
That's a fun day. They're not just sitting on the couch. What is that?
These are leaf blowers.
Are we landscaping?
No, come on now. We're playing leaf blower soccer.
What's leaf blower soccer?
It's just like regular soccer.
It's just like what they told us in the production meeting. We're going to blow leaf. We're going to blow the balls up and down the thing. Did MTV try and figure out the corniest games that they could play with these people? It sounds like it. Why don't they just go on a regular date? Get a cup of coffee. Have dinner. Make out in the back of a car. I mean, what's up with this?
Taking the ball, you blow the ball.
It's just like regular soccer except it blows. We're just going to waste gas.
Gas, time, money. The good news is, Chrissy, they'll only be playing for two and a half minutes. Any date you've ever taken her on?
Have you taken her on one yet? We've raced.
We've raced horses?
Dude, you're boring.
You guys are stupid.
So what kind of girls do you usually date?
Usually brunettes, actually.
Brunettes are hot.
Yep, I agree, I agree.
That's what I say.
What about you? What kind of guys do you normally date?
That's easy. Douchebags with sunglasses.
Oh, snippy snappy.
Why don't you cover up those caterpillar eyebrows?
All right, here's how it's going to work.
You're over there. I'm over here. First one to three goals wins, and loser gives winner a massage.
Whoa, my muscles are feeling a bit tense.
Yeah, that's right.
Whoa, my breasts are feeling a bit tense. Look at Jeremy. I know.
That's a peacock if I've ever seen one.
No, he's peacocking all over that couch.
You're a legend in your own mind.
Damn straight.
Your teeth won't be damn straight if you keep talking about our daughter again.
What are you going to give me, braces? What does that mean?
I'm going to kick your freaking ass.
With a fist? You know what kick means?
Things are getting heated there in the house. Geez. If I'm not dad, I'm just jumping on Jeremy. I'm not talking anymore. Not that I condone violence in any way, shape, or form. But in this case, I might condone violence in every way, shape, or form. Oh, this seems like no fun whatsoever. They're trying to blow an exercise ball with battery-powered leaf blowers.
What a date. But they're just hitting it with their leaf blower.
I know, it's so stupid.
Wow, look at how much fun that is.
Oh, yeah, it does not look like any fun whatsoever.
That's stupid, it's the f***ing plane.
Yeah!
Score!
Score for the loudest, most obnoxious game ever. I'm over this. I'm so sick of you. Give me my glasses.
That date was so fun. Let's sit down here in front of these hot, bright lights and talk to each other.
What do you got there?
I got some juice and oranges.
Nice.
Juice and oranges. He did not bring juice and oranges. He's an 18-year-old boy. He did not know how to do anything. He doesn't know how to cut up oranges. That's completely unrealistic.
How did you think of that?
He got hit in the head real hard. That's how he came up with it. I don't know. Me and my friends play sometimes.
Oh, really?
I don't know. They told me to lie about this part. Me and my friends totally came up with it in the production meeting right before we came on here.
Pretty creative group of guys.
Are you like an artist or something?
Actually, I'm in a band.
Oh, really?
Okay, which 18-year-old boy is not in a band?
What's your band's name?
We're called Brian's Escape.
Brian's Escape.
Brian's Escape.
That's the name of my new band.
100%.
That is the name of her new band.
I am literally dead. I am literally dead. Brian's Escape.
We're changing the name of the commercial break to Brian's Escape.
I can't.
I can't. I'm sorry. Oh, shit. That was so funny to me.
Brian's escape. No, we should call this Lauren's escape.
Yeah, Lauren's escape.
Yeah, that was a great one, Mom. You're working on the personality I see, though. That's right. Very good, very good. I'm proud of you. So what did you think of me when you first saw me?
Honestly, I first noticed your hair. I think it's sexy.
Thank you. Honestly.
Never mind, never mind.
It looks like a girl's hair. I thought it was sexy.
He's a lot better looking than you are.
He's a lot better looking than you are.
So what did you first think about me when you saw me?
I just thought, man, this girl is a knockout. Why is she with this douchebag guy?
Because I'm the best. Aw, yeah. You are so full of yourself. Aw, yeah.
He's a sweet guy. He just has issues.
Yeah. He's a sweet guy. He just has issues. That's a great way to describe it.
Anybody you're dating. When someone that I know says, I mean, I described one of my girlfriends like this for like four years. She's great. She's just got issues.
Not bad. Wow.
1898.
Oh, yeah. Oh, you dick.
I gotta be honest. I'm a little wiped out from that game.
Well, I hope you're not too tired because I think you still owe me a massage.
I'm a little wiped out from running a blower up and down the half of soccer field.
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Bring me them legs. What are you giggling at, Lauren? You have amazing legs.
Really? Yeah. Jeremy says I have chicken legs.
Jeremy's an idiot. You have great legs.
You have great legs that I can feel through these shin guards and these soccer socks.
I can't believe this. He's touching her calves and I'm sitting next to you cows. Then you might want to put these on so you don't have to see it anymore.
Oh, snap. Thank you. Feeling all loosened up?
Yeah, nice and loose.
All right, should we get changed and get out of here then? All right, so we should have sex?
Great I don't know the date or the blowers Wow Hey, did I do good, hun, or what? That sucked.
I just got back from a date with Dylan, and he really made me sweat. What a hottie.
Okay. Let's make a decision. The moment has arrived, Chrissy. What will she do? Predictions on the table?
Yeah, now I'm going to go with Chad.
I'm going to say she sticks with the current guy that she has. He's got issues. Yeah, he's got issues, but when someone has issues, that usually means everyone has issues. You know what I'm saying? And they've been together for a long time. I know this. Trust me.
Do I stay with Jeremy or go with one of the guys my parents chose? This is a really tough choice.
Now it's time for Lauren to make her pick. Will she choose Chad, the sexy street surfer, or Dylan, her gorgeous gold?
Street surfer. The street scurfer. The street scurfer.
Or the soccer blower. Will she choose Jeremy, her boyfriend of three months, and the person her parents can't stand?
Guys, this is an experience I'll never forget. But it all comes down to this. I think I know who I want. But before I make my big decision, I'm going to give you one more chance each to tell me why I should pick you.
Well, I know 4th of July only comes once a year, but if you pick me... Well, that was prophetic. As the lead keyboardist of Brian's mistake. We'll be seeing fireworks all year long.
Oh my God, that was terrible. Lauren, I don't understand science that well, but there's no denying the chemistry that we felt.
Baby, if I've learned anything today, it's that I don't want to lose you. And I promise that if you pick me, I promise if I pick you, I'll start a band called Jeremy's Practice. Do whatever I can to make you happy.
Thanks, guys. That was really sweet. But I still need to get rid of one of you right now.
Oh, elimination. Oh, elimination time. The stakes are very high. The music very dramatic. Standing in a living room that hasn't been renovated since 1979. Here we go. Wood family.
Wood family. Dylan, you are so good looking, but your personality blows, just like our dude. Whoa. Damn.
Wow. All right.
You go, girl.
And he gave her an ankle massage. I know. Threw her over the sock ankle massage. I mean, that's second base in some religions. It is.
Right now.
That's all right. I had fun anyways.
Aw, Dylan's always a gentleman. I don't care. I can't date a girl whose hair is shorter than mine.
And now the hard part. Chad, you are so creative and athletic, but I'm afraid you may be too quiet for me. And Jeremy, we have so much fun together, but I am sick of being insulted.
By the way, how much goop does he have in his hair?
I was trying to look at it. That hair is dripping.
Gel is literally dripping out of the top of his hair.
Serious gel. Come on, Chad. Go, Chad.
Do it, Chad. Chad. Chad. Whoa.
Holy shit. Nice work.
Oh, thank God. I'm Jeremy Burr's a fit. Yes.
What are you doing? Get the camera off me. What are you doing? Get the camera off me. Get the camera off me. We did it, man. We did it.
We get our job and Jeremy's gone.
Good work, Jeremy.
How'd you ever date that baby?
I have no idea, but at least I'm with the real man now.
Got that right.
Yes.
Chad, what? What happened to Jeremy? I have to know. I will follow up. I will let you know. Next episode of the 12 Days of TCB, we're going to figure out exactly what happened to Jeremy and whether any of this was real at all.
Christina will be reminding you.
Yes, Christina will text me at midnight and remind me to figure out what happened to Jeremy. Or she'll find out, probably before I do. Wow, that really was a terrible television show.
I was on the edge of my seat.
I was too. At the end, despite how terrible it was, and now I remember watching a lot of these episodes. And I always... was so interested in the outcome and always rooting for the new guys because, you know, the old guys were assholes.
Well, they make the old guys look horrible.
Of course. But you could tell it was all fake as he was walking out of the house and he pretended to throw the camera.
It was so obviously fake.
So obviously terribly fake. But, you know, it was a more innocent time back then.
It was. It was before everything was out there.
Yes, it was long before Maury.
I didn't know at the same time.
Yeah, early 2000s, for sure. Yeah. Dr. Phil, Maury. No 90-day fiancé, though. None of that. None of that didn't come around until the 2014s, 15s. Anyway, all right. Well, listen. Another day knocked off. Scratch that off our advent calendar, Chrissy. We opened a gift, and it was Jeremy going home. I can see Christina literally scratching it off the calendar. Thank you. I appreciate that.
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TCB Podcast on TikTok. And 212-433-3TCB. That's 212-433-3822. Questions, comments, concerns, content ideas. Let us know how you're enjoying the 12 days of TCB. We'd love to hear from you. And please donate to one of our great causes that we've been focusing on for the last couple of days. We would appreciate it. Okay, Chrissy, that's all I can do for today.
I think so.
But I'll tell you that I love you. I love you. Best to you. Best to you. And best to you out there in the podcast universe and Jeremy also. Until next time, we will say, we do say, and we must say, goodbye.
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