The Commercial Break
Health, Wealth & A Paladium Ping-Pang!
Wed, 21 May
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EP #751: Bryan and Krissy review the proliferation of Alien Light Ladies (and guys) across the socials. It seems every other reel is talking in tongues and selling a course on aligning your inner star child! In this wide-ranging, off-the-rails episode of The Commercial Break, Bryan and Krissy start with preschool graduations and end up in the intergalactic rabbit hole of light language influencers. Buckle up. More About EP751: Bryan opens with a hilariously detailed recap of attending a preschool “graduation” where kids practiced their choreography for months… only to immediately collapse, cry, strip, or play dead the moment they hit the stage. Krissy and Bryan swap stories about the madness of modern school ceremonies, audience weirdos, and what happens when parents start crisscross-applesaucing in a sweaty multipurpose room. But halfway through, the episode swerves hard into the stratosphere—literally. Bryan introduces a new obsession: a subculture of TikTok and Instagram influencers claiming to speak alien light languages. These spiritual content creators, often scantily clad and surrounded by rose petals, offer $10,000 courses to “activate your Palladian power” and speak in made-up cosmic tongues. Bryan and Krissy watch and roast a collection of these videos in real time, trying to decode phrases like “divine abundance,” “sacred soul blueprint,” and “cosmic wealth activation”—and trying even harder not to cry from laughing. TCB Clips: R.I.P. "Norm"!! Watch EP #751 on YouTube! Text us or leave us a voicemail: +1 (212) 433-3TCB FOLLOW US: Instagram: @thecommercialbreak Youtube: youtube.com/thecommercialbreak TikTok: @tcbpodcast Website: www.tcbpodcast.com CREDITS: Hosts: Bryan Green & Krissy Hoadley Executive Producer: Bryan Green Producer: Astrid B. Green Voice Over: Rachel McGrath TCBits / TCBits Music: Written, Voiced and Produced by Bryan Green To learn more about listener data and our privacy practices visit: https://www.audacyinc.com/privacy-policy Learn more about your ad choices. Visit https://podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Chapter 1: What hilarious stories do Bryan and Krissy share about preschool graduations?
Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer.
Would you like to get away? Hey!
Now I'm begging for one. Hey, everybody. Hey, Norm, what do you know? Not enough. Good morning. Hey, what's happening, Norm? It's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing milk-bone underwear.
On this episode of the Commercial Break.
Some of them are Palladians. Some of them are more generic alien light language girls. Yes. The Palladians. But the Palladians is a species of aliens? It's a species of aliens. And they believe that they've been dropped down here on Earth. And they've co-mingled, co-mated with humans.
Okay. That's how the hybrids happen.
That's the hybrids happening. And that if you're a Palladian, then you will activate when you hear certain languages. And you will activate. Your Palladian penis.
Your Palladian penis. Your Palladian penis will come alive.
And then all of a sudden you're going to have wealth and abundance. Is that what it is? Because the old wealth and abundance trick.
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Chapter 2: What is the phenomenon of Alien Light Ladies?
There's plenty of chairs like let's make sure that everyone can take a seat. And so I go over there. I'm not necessarily directing traffic, but kind of directing traffic. Right. And these seats are they're wooden and they're really heavy. So I'm pulling one. I give it to a guy. I pull one. I give him a second chair, two chairs. That's good. You're good. Two chairs. It's a very heavy thing.
Meanwhile, I don't know, Biff Johnson comes over and he's like, I'm just going to get the stack. It's like five chairs. And I go, oh, okay, all right, go for that. Literally cannot move the stack one inch. He's like... He's trying. He's trying too hard for too long because now he knows kind of what a dum-dum he looks like. Yeah, like, okay, bro.
Okay.
Do it your way. Yeah. So, okay. There are wooden chairs, though. I'm kind of hung up on this for a minute because I remember in school having like, you know, the small like plastic ones with the butt carve out and like some metal legs.
I don't want to give away too much because I care about the safety of my family and I don't know who's out there listening. Yeah. But the hall is a place where very nice wooden chairs would be appropriate. Let's put it that way. Like nice, solid wooden chairs. So these aren't like the kids' chairs? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I was thinking.
The school is on one side of the building, and on the other side of the building, it's used for something completely different. But once or twice a year, the school. I'm picturing a school and like the kids' chairs. No, no, no, no. Like stacks of kids' chairs. The school does have kids' chairs, but this place has wooden chairs. Right. Nice wooden chairs for those kids.
Right. So I, so I grab, then, okay, now we've, I think we've got enough chairs for two rows. I grab two chairs. I go walk over there. And that same guy is just like standing in the middle of this, like the row that I have to get by to put these chairs down. Yeah. And I'm standing there looking at him and he's standing there looking at me and I go, oh, excuse me.
Can you, you know, Chrissy, he didn't even like didn't even acknowledge on his face that he had heard what I'd said. But he's like looking directly at me. I know he's not deaf because we just had a conversation like I'm I don't know what's going on. So he doesn't move. Another guy recognizes what's going on here, walks around the guy and says, hand me the chair.
And I have to hand the chair around the guy who's standing in the middle of the row, not moving for what reason I can't imagine. Why was he standing? Because I thought he grabbed two chairs.
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Chapter 3: How do modern school ceremonies differ from the past?
Chapter 4: What are the traits of Palladian aliens according to influencers?
There are wooden chairs, though. I'm kind of hung up on this for a minute because I remember in school having like, you know, the small like plastic ones with the butt carve out and like some metal legs.
I don't want to give away too much because I care about the safety of my family and I don't know who's out there listening. Yeah. But the hall is a place where very nice wooden chairs would be appropriate. Let's put it that way. Like nice, solid wooden chairs. So these aren't like the kids' chairs? No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I was thinking.
The school is on one side of the building, and on the other side of the building, it's used for something completely different. But once or twice a year, the school. I'm picturing a school and like the kids' chairs. No, no, no, no. Like stacks of kids' chairs. The school does have kids' chairs, but this place has wooden chairs. Right. Nice wooden chairs for those kids.
Right. So I, so I grab, then, okay, now we've, I think we've got enough chairs for two rows. I grab two chairs. I go walk over there. And that same guy is just like standing in the middle of this, like the row that I have to get by to put these chairs down. Yeah. And I'm standing there looking at him and he's standing there looking at me and I go, oh, excuse me.
Can you, you know, Chrissy, he didn't even like didn't even acknowledge on his face that he had heard what I'd said. But he's like looking directly at me. I know he's not deaf because we just had a conversation like I'm I don't know what's going on. So he doesn't move. Another guy recognizes what's going on here, walks around the guy and says, hand me the chair.
And I have to hand the chair around the guy who's standing in the middle of the row, not moving for what reason I can't imagine. Why was he standing? Because I thought he grabbed two chairs.
I don't know. Maybe he used all his possible testosterone to try and lift those five chairs into the air. And now he's on a break. His brain's on a break. I don't know. I don't know. He's on a break, I guess. I'm not sure. I don't know. It was like a really silly and weird thing. Party's over. Everyone's done. Ice cream truck outside, which was a nice added touch this year. Let's go get some ice.
By the way, in years past, like when we first started taking, our kid went to this school, they would do this outside. And in May, you're really rolling the dice.
Yeah, you are.
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Chapter 5: Why do some TikTokers sell courses on 'cosmic wealth activation'?
Not one that warranted an entire restaurant in Manhattan, but an interesting idea nonetheless. That's a college town kind of thing. If you did that in a college town, you'd probably never go out of business.
That's true.
All right, so party's over. Everyone's done. Thank you very much. You know, tears and happiness, mainly because it's done, and now we get to go home. And by the way, my kids killed it. They killed it. They danced. They sang. They knew their motions. They knew their movements. I was really proud of them. But this is also not their first rodeo doing this, so I think they were prepped for this.
So we get done and then the same Biff Henderson all of a sudden – Biff. Yeah. By the way, I'm standing in the front. So when it's over, the front where I'm standing gets very crowded because now this is the open space. So now everybody has crowded the open space to get their kids, to say goodbye to their friends, have a happy summer. Thank you, the teachers, all this other stuff.
So it's very crowded where I am. And I understand that. I'm just trying to kind of like maneuver to get out. But I'm not going anywhere because no one's going anywhere. And then all of a sudden I notice right behind me, and I mean like breathing down my neck, is Biff Henderson. The same guy who was standing in the middle.
Your nemesis at the ceremony.
Yeah, my nemesis at the ceremony. And now I'm like, do we have a thing here? But I don't know because I'm not man enough to know. I don't have that kind of vibe. But I do wonder, do we have a thing here? Should I be worried that he's going to snap my neck from behind? Is this Jean-Claude Van Damme film? Do I need to stand up on the chair? Bloodsport. Bloodsport.
Do I need to grab one of these heavy wooden chairs and just... Hit him over the head with it. I don't know. And I'm a little bit nervous that now I've got this guy just literally drooling down the back of my hairline. And so I think to myself, geez, you know, just give me a little bit of room, buddy. He's got like his chest up against my back. And I'm like, it's not that tight in here.
You've been hitting from all sides, the back, the front, your legs.
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Chapter 6: What absurdities occur during preschool performances?
Okay. Well, in the non-sexual way, like us finding a mate. Let's put it that way. Finding a mate. When you're doing that, when you're trying to attract yourself to somebody or you're attracted to somebody, you want to be in your universe and you see potential in the situation. Yeah. you are definitely not going to be 100% the person you are behind closed doors.
Because let's be honest about it, the person you are behind closed doors, maybe even in very long marriages, sometimes is just a little bit different. No one can be in your mind. No one can know you exactly for who you are in your perspective every single moment of every single day. People can come close. I think I know Astrid pretty well. I think she knows me pretty well.
Does she know every single thing about me that I ever think, that I ever want, that I ever desire? No, she doesn't. Because if she did, then Dua Lipa would be on this show. But the reality for a lot of... I think she knows about Dua Lipa. I think she knows about Dua Lipa, but she still hasn't gotten Dua Lipa to come on the show. Well, that's a hard ask. It's A!
We had... I don't know if we're at that level. Tom Papa on the show. Why not Dua Lipa?
I think we put our best foot forward because that is what we are doing. That's in our DNA. That's what we do. We do a mating dance. Just like those birds that have pretty feathers or baboons. I love watching those shows. Butts get all pink and red and rosy, right? The birds are the best. The birds are the best because theirs are fucking cuckoos. They have like a whole little dance, actual dance.
And they shake their feathers and they twist from one way and they twist from the other and they cock around.
They're great.
Yes. It happens in the wild. It happens here. You're on your best behavior. You show your best feathers. You do your best dance. You have your best baboon butt shining.
You peacock it. You peacock it.
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